#i have a lot of feelings and thoughts about this and i could go on forever about the dirkroxy friend dynamic and the kink guilt complex but

[deathsmallcaps]

Replying to tags but then I ran out of room and I think i was if not cooking then at least microwaving

#dude when I was in 6th grade I read #the veldt #and at the time it disgusted and genuinely scared me because I was #just so surprised that people - children! - could be raised to be so heartless #idk if I read it for the first time as a 23 year old it would scare me so much #but goddamn

#I think we're both people who are *at least* good at literacy but we're both a little too STEMmy #to look at it the way some English teachers want us to? #like they want people to go from 'damn that's fucked up → what themes are the authors trying to explore here → what about the world #made them think of that and perhaps what are they trying to get us to consider and think about and perhaps change' #obviously not all writing is a fable with a moral at the end #but a lot of good writing has some sort of central belief that it wants the reader to consider

#(I struggle in creating that with my fiction ugh and I think a lot of booktok books do too and it bugs me that we have that connection)

#but anyway #I think you and I'd first reactions are like #’that's horrible → how can we prevent that specific problem from occurring again' #like take the lottery. my (and maybe your?) first reaction is like 'that's horrible → they should ban the lottery' #but the English teacher is going to want us to think 'oh gee okay so this is a commentary on traditions. why would this tradition be started #/necessary? does the lottery reflect the overall morals and sensibilities of the overall society (aka fond of the death penalty etc). #what sort of tradition might this mirror today? connecting to historical events and the fact that the person stoned and the author were #women. aka the gender commonly stoned for witchcraft in New England #do you think that's related?' etc etc etc wrapped in metaphors and shit. and tbh that's how I learned a lot of my religious and political #philosophy as well as history. I really like Thomas swift's 'a modest proposal' (satire) for that reason.

but that was NOT my initial #thought process for English class. I had to be heavily trained into thinking that way and often my first instinct is to not engage with the #metaphor an just go straight to the logic/sensible answer. blah blah blah. I really respect lit and history teachers as a profession but boy #do I not want to teach it because I would be so slack on writing the kinds of questions that would get the kids to engage with the meta. #once I got a piece I got it but it was a struggle every damn time. because I had to get over my feelings of well why didn't they just not #do that'

the biggest one I can think of is 'song of Solomon' by Toni Morrison. I think my senior AP English teacher wanted us to really #consider authors and characters of color (he was white but it was 2018-2019 aka Trump era) so he taught us othello and TM. othello is a #little easier to understand because iago is just being a little bitch about a Black foreigner getting a promotion and a hot wife and no longer being able to convince himself that he was better than Othello

But TM’s main character Milkman? Unlikeable, spoiled little shit who doesn’t give a damn that he’s the 1 percent of his marginalized community and he’s frittering his privileges away so hard that it literally induces suicidal and murderous tendencies into the people around him. Among other things.

It took me foreverrrrrr to engage with the text beyond GOD I HATE THIS GUY but once I was able to examine his psychology and the mean flip side of ‘if you want to fly, you have to get rid of earthly attachments’, which he does at the end of the story.

Was it a chore? Absolutely. But have I ever forgotten the story or the literary tools it gave me? No.

Maybe I’m just speaking for myself in this longass response - you and I usually talk animals and men not books 😅 - but yeah every English class is full of these annoying stories that are meant to rattle one’s brain and I REALLY avoid rattling lmao. Tbqh again I respect lot classes but I’m glad they’re over lmao

But anyways I listened to Levar Burton’s podcast ‘Levar Burton Reads’ from start to finish, and he once read (as a three parter) Toni Morrison’s Recitatif. It’s the story of two girls, one Black one white, who grew up around and with and against each other during the mid 1900s.

I didn’t know what the story was getting at, aside from the surface ideas of the American Civil Rights Movement and privilege and stuff. But LB usually asked questions or briefly mentioned the author’s main idea at the end. And when he did? HOLY FUCK.

If you ever decide to listen to it (I’ve never gotten my hands to a print copy so idk if they usually have some sort of author’s note at the end to ask the reader this question)(I love LB’s voice he’s a pleasure to listen to if you listen to Recitatif) please @ me and tell me if it also blew your mind and made you consider how you viewed the POV character of the story.

Because it blew my mind and made me really consider why I assumed things about the pov character. Im not going to say anything further because I feel like I’m spoiling the point but yeah.

Anyways again this could be just me but I’ve always had trouble moving on from the straight solution mindset. When I was 12 I was in a model UN and I was told to write a report about Togo and its healthcare issues. I took this to mean that I had to research the common issues there (such as unclean water and mosquito bite diseases) and then come up with solutions.

It was incredibly embarrassing to do all that and then hear every other group explain their countries healthcare issues and WHY (historically, monetarily, etc) their countries struggled with such things. And my ass went up there and talked about affordable mosquito deterrent changes to water sources and cheap water cleaning services.

I didn’t realize it then but like. It perfectly exemplified my lack of instinct to subtextually interact with instructions and prompts.

And the thing is. May the universe bless and boost the fucking lit teachers out there because my poor students are entering math class with lit skills 6 grades under where they should be and are genuinely unable to interact with straightforward STEM instructions. My college had every ed major take a ‘teaching literacy’ class and sure I passed but the thing is. I’m not really the person that’s supposed to catch these kids on that subject. I’m supposed to be a secondary math teacher. So a lot of the advice in that class simply wasn’t applicable and I wish it was!!! I’d be happy to help in that subject but also I WAS TRAINED TO BE A MATH TEACHER. AND MOST LITERACY AND LANGUAGE DIFFICULTY COURSES ARE NOT DESIGNED WITH STEM IN MIND. (Which is why I want to learn enough Spanish that I can teach kids learning English math as well because that’s an area that doesn’t get a lot of crossover and a lot of kids fall through).

Well this turned into a ramble goodnight lmao. I’d say this was a decently microwaved thought track lol

[cinnamorollcrybaby]

Good enough

Tags: Caleb x fem!Reader, smut, unprotected angry sex, Caleb’s back and he’s jealous, breeding kink, mdni, not proofread sorry, this shit is NASTY i fear.

An: This one is for a dear friend of mine 🙂‍↕️ Thanks for making me pull out of my writer’s block. LOOK i’m so sorry if this is bad but i had to write SOMETHING to pull me out of this funk… i hope you all enjoy

How did you end up trapped underneath your half-cyborg best friend who was legally deceased while taking the meanest deep strokes of your life? Well, there’s a simple answer. Caleb knew Xavier was home.

Actually, he knew everything: the dates, the tender moments, the secret times, the nightly rendezvous. Pissed was an understatement.

Had you forgotten? Had you forgotten all the promises you two made each other when you were younger? Had you forgotten that you were fucking made for him? You had to have. That’s why you were stringing along 4 different guys. You were trying to fill a hole that only he could fill.

That had to be why.

Regardless, Caleb knew Xavier was the type to listen to you through the floorboards of his upstairs apartment. He was a lot alike Caleb in that sort of manner. They were both possessive freaks who couldn’t stand the thought of you being with somebody else.

That’s why Caleb was fucking you so hard — pounding your pretty pussy so deeply into the mattress that you were seeing stars with each mean thrust.

He used his size to his advantage. It was fitting. He’d always loved how much bigger he was than you. That’s how you received your adorned nickname: pipsqueak.

He planned on his first time with you being a lot more gentle than this. He planned on being sweet and loving. He planned on cherishing your body the way you deserve, but you just had to go and give yourself to 4 other guys before him.

“Stop crying.” His voice rumbled as his piercing gaze found yours — so much different than the sweet childhood friend you had. His hand covered your mouth as he hunched over your figure, still ramming his cock head into you ruthlessly. “I know you can take it. I’ve watched you take it before.”

Your eyes blinked back tears as you looked up at him. He was being so mean. You couldn’t believe this was the same doting Caleb that you grew up with, and you didn’t even want to think about the face he had been watching you…

“Fucking pussy’s made for me, and you’ve been letting other men try to make her feel good.” He growled as he used his less-than-human arm reach down and gently rub against your small button of nerves.

“Caleb-!” You choked out as your body writhed beneath him. You could feel every ridge and vein of his thick cock splitting you apart, making you wholly his and his alone.

“That’s right… Say my name, baby. Tell me who’s making you feel so good.” He prompted with a confident smirk before he hauled your legs up above his shoulders, sinking even deeper into your dripping cunt.

Clawing at the bed, your back arched as you tried to cope with the intrusion. He’s so fucking deep it feels like you’re going to choke on him. “Caleb-“ You sob as your cunt pitifully clenches around him.

Feeling you wrapped around him so sweetly, crying out his name as you’re so overwhelmed with pleasure has Caleb revitalized with a new vigor. His hips work in tight circles, pumping his fat cock in and out of you as your cunt makes the most obscene squelching noises he’s ever heard.

“Such a fucking noisy girl. I should’ve know you were going to be a crybaby.” He teased before placing open mouth kisses along your neck snd shoulder.

“W-wait Caleb- calebcalebcaleb. I’m gonna..” You pant out nervously as his metal fingers were still rubbing languid circled around your cunt, and his tip was smooshing globs of precum against your cervix.

His fingers suddenly pinch down on your clit, making you cry out from the sensation. Your body went taut as you were being dangled on the edge of pleasure. His robotic arm wasn’t quite letting you get there.

You thought his arm was literally malfunctioning until you heard him chuckle from your suffering.

“You’re going to cum when I saw you can, okay baby?” He asked in that same condescending tone he always used when you two were younger.

His hips continued to roll after he was sure that you weren’t going to fall off the deep end, and he let out deep guttural groans, feeling your pretty pussy soak him. It was like you were practically trying to suck him in. He couldn’t believe he had waited this long to sink into your cunt like this.

and the best part about it was he knew your stupid upstairs neighbor was listening! Xavier knew you were down here getting railed, and he couldn’t do a damn thing about it.

Hell, if he even tried, Caleb would use his evol and force him kneel beside the bed as he drilled you even harder.

Fuck, the thought of slutting you out in front of every single one of your little boyfriends had his stomach tightening. His hips snapped forward into you with a pace that could only be described as feral.

You were a complete babbling mess at this point — utterly cock drunk as Caleb had you folded in half, filling you up to the brim with his length.

“Ohhh, that’s my girl.” He purred as he saw your glossed over look. “It’s coming, baby. I’m going to give you want you need.” He promised as he pressed a sweet kiss to your forehead that completely contradicted the ruthless way his hips were rutting into you.

“C-caleb- Caleb no, wait.. Don’t cum inside-“ You stuttered out in a panic. You hadn’t been by the pharmacy yet to pick up birth control, so technically, this was all unprotected.

“Why?” He growled as his back curled over. He was fucking mounting you while holding your thighs in the prettiest mating press he’d ever seen. “You fucking let them fill you up. Am I not good enough to breed this pussy?”

His hips slammed into you. It felt like he was trying to push his way straight into your womb. It was mind-numbing pleasure, making black orbs and stars dance across your vision.

“Look at me, baby.” He ordered, dragging your face to look back up at him. You could barely see straight. It was all too much. “You’re going to let your best friend breed you, and you’re gonna fucking love it. You’re going to cum all over this fat cock until you can’t breathe. Understand?”

You dumbly nodded your head, halfway hearing his words. Your pussy was aching to cum. Your swollen puffy folds were greedily accepting him in with every thrust. You wanted this. Birth control be damned. Everyone else be damned.

Caleb gritted his teeth together as he gave you a few more good harsh thrusts for good measure. He then crushed his body against yours, burying himself all the way to your womb before his cock started to jerk and pulse inside of you, shooting rope after rope of his thick potent cum. The only thing on his mind was the need to see you, his childhood best friend, round with his baby.

He needed to see the look on each other of those pricks’ faces when they realized you were spoken for.

The cherry on top was when he felt your walls clenching around him, happily milking his cock for everything he had while you sobbed and hiccuped his name. It seemed like his childhood best friend was maybe just as twisted as he was. He’d have to give her an extra good reward for being such a good girl.

As the room went still and quiet — only filled with shared breaths and pants for air, the sound of someone stabbing a sword through the ceiling was heard, and Caleb chuckled deeply. He had definitely pissed Xavier off.

[igorluvr]

‘LOVE AND LATTES

PAIRING: kang dae-ho x fem!reader

SYNOPSIS: during the games, dae-ho promised to take you on a proper first date. now that you had both successfully made it out, he was going to keep his promise

CONTENT: fluff, literally the tiniest bit of angst, kinda corny, trauma, kissing on the first date smh, reader is implied to be black

AUTHORS NOTE: tryna get a lot of fics out for u guys bcs almost 400 likes on my first ??? omg yall r so sweet i swearrr, tysmm !!! ngl this might be kinda bad bcs im too tired to read over it …

word count: [2.5k]

IT’S been around 3 days since you got out of those hellish games, and you still can’t seem to process it. There was so much death, you felt guilty for taking the money, but it was your only chance at having a way out.

After surviving and splitting the money with a good handful of people, you found yourself dropped off in a dark alleyway. With only a large duffel bag at your side, you felt lost, unsure of where to go.

Eventually, you made your way to a bus station and caught a ride back to your apartment. It took a while to adjust to being in the real world again, a world where a gun wasn’t being held up to your head every hour of the day.

You remembered how you met the sweetest boy there. Kang Dae-ho. He was everything you could’ve asked for. The perfect man, met at a perfectly terrible time. Your mind flashed back to the end of mingle game.

‘I swear, when we get out of here I’m gonna take you on a real date. No guards, no games, just us two and the future ahead of us, okay?’ Dae-ho promised, cupping your face gently in his hands.

‘I love you with all of my heart, and I wanna see you when this is all over. We can move in with eachother and spend everyday in eachothers arms.’ He rambled with tears in his eyes, ‘I can’t lose you.’

Now in the present day, you wished you’d spend more time with him. You thought back to the last day in the games, when you wrote your number on his hand, hoping it wouldn’t be wiped off by the guards before he got home so you could live out the future you planned.

As the days passed, you lost hope in being able to reunite with your lover. Memories of him flashed through your mind. “Fuck, Dae-ho.” you whispered, “If only I had one more day with you..” and as if on cue, you heard your phone ring.

You stared for a couple seconds, confused as to who it could be. ‘It wouldn’t be Dae-ho, would it?’ With an ounce of hope left in your mind, you hurried and clicked the green answer button.

Silence lingered, then you heard a voice that made your heart explode.

“Hello?” Dae-ho’s wavering voice sounded “Is this you?”

You jumped up in joy, feeling a huge smile stretch across your face.

“Oh my God, Dae-ho!! It’s actually you!!” You exclaimed. “I missed you so much I thought we’d never talk again.”

A relieved sigh came from the other line, followed by a slight laugh. “I missed you more. How have you been? Where are you? Do you want me to come over?” he bombarded

“Okay woah, I can tell you missed me. I’m doing good, well better than I was a couple days ago, I’m at my house, and yes, I would love for you to come” You answered

The line went quiet for a moment, making you wonder if you’d lost the connection. Just as concern started to creep in, Dae-ho spoke again “Do you remember that promise I made before we got out?”

Of course you remember, his words have been playing on repeat in your mind like a record. Your heart skipped a beat as you thought of it actually coming true. You muttered a quick ‘mhm’ for him to continue.

“Tomorrow, meet me at the cafe down the street from that big market. I don’t know where you stay, so if it’s too far tell me and I’ll call you an uber.” he planned, “Dress up, even though I know you’ll look amazing in anything” You felt the butterflies in your stomach form as he carried on about what’ll happen the next day.

As the conversation came to a close and you got ready for bed, you found yourself thinking of any possible scenario that could happen tomorrow, good and bad.

‘What if my hair doesn’t cooperate?’

‘What if he doesn’t like how I look anymore?’

‘What if he’s setting me up?’

All these unlikely events start to run through your mind and it caused you to be overwhelmed with everything happening. When drifting off to sleep, you hope that everything turns out right.

.𖥔 ݁ ˖ ✦ ‧₊˚ ⋅

You woke up to a constant ‘ding’ blaring through your room every 10 seconds. Immediately, you pressed the power button on your phone thinking maybe you’d accidentally set an alarm. When it didn’t subside after this, you groggily opened your phone to locate the noise.

There were about 15 notifications from Dae-ho, them all texting you as if you’d died in your sleep or something.

A pool of ‘are you awake?’ and ‘are you okay?’ flooded on your lock screen. Not wanting him to worry any further, you decided to text him back

‘goodmorninggg, i’m up now sorry 😭 im okay, how are you?’ You typed, half asleep.

Immediately, your message was read and the bubbles on the left side of the screen appeared.

‘I’m okay. Why do you sleep so late? You scared me.’ the message read. You hadn’t even realized the time. ‘2:26pm’ the clock read. You always had a bad habit of sleeping in but it had gotten unusually bad after getting back from the games.

You quickly apologized in your message, explaining your situation to which he swiftly understood. As the conversation progressed, you discussed your date. You were the type of person that needed to know every detail before doing something, especially something like this.

The both of you decided to meet there at 7pm, to give you time to get ready, and to dress up—but not too much. To be honest, you weren’t sure if you guys had the same definition of too much but you decided to put it aside for now.

Immediately after you guys finished discussing the details, you rushed to get ready. Even though you had 4 hours, it didn’t seem like nearly enough time to see him.

The closet was your first thought, since you basically lived by the rule of getting dressed first, doing hair, then putting on makeup. You scanned your closet for anything that would impress Dae-ho.

It took about 30 minutes alone to pick out an outfit. You decided on a long black dress you bought for your halloween costume that you never got the chance to wear, due to the pickup for the games occurring the same day. You picked out jewelry and a coat to go with it, since it was the beginning of winter.

After getting dressed, you gathered all your makeup supplies and rushed to the bathroom. Doing your makeup took longer than you wanted it to, but you wanted everything to be perfect since this was the first time you’d see him outside of life-or-death situations.

Every wing of eyeliner had to be just right, your lip gloss needed just the right amount of shine, everything had to reflect how much you cared.

The hair was the part you’d been dreading. You didn’t know if it was the detangling, or getting your part straight, but it gave you a headache just thinking about it.

After stalling for about 20 minutes, you finally built up the strength to start on your hair. Pinterest was your best friend for situations like this. You quickly opened the board labeled “hairstyles” and scrolled through them to find the perfect one.

You’d found this beautiful blown-out hairstyle that would look amazing with your outfit and makeup. Since you knew it would take a long time, you silently braced yourself, this wouldn’t be an easy task. You grabbed the blow dryer, flat iron, heat protectant, and got to work.

In about 2 hours, you had finally finished at 6:50pm. The cafe was about 7 minutes away from you, so you grabbed your stuff and walked out of the door.

The drive there was the worst part. Your stomach was doing somersaults. Even though you’d seen eachother at your literal worsts, it still felt so scary. With all these anxieties flashing through your mind, you managed to push them to the back and keep a confident facade.

As you pulled up, you sent a quick text stating your arrival. You fidgeted with the ends of your dress absentmindedly, spacing out and hoping for the best.

The ding of your phone sent shivers down your spine as a text popped up reading ‘Perfect. Come inside and turn to the left, I’m here.’

You felt like throwing up as you walked up to the entrance of the café. The strong smell of caffeine and pastries hit your nose as you searched for Dae-ho in the warm lights.

Turning left as he instructed, you were met with his beaming face, looking like he’d seen the most beautiful sunrise. His eyes widened in awe, and for a moment, he seemed frozen. The corners of his mouth curled up into an infectious smile, and you felt a rush of warmth, knowing that in this moment, you had completely captivated him.

Almost immediately, he jumped up and gave you an engulfing hug. You didn’t know if it was because you were used to the smell of blood being around him, but he smelled astonishingly good. It was like the best mixture of his natural scent and a very expensive cologne.

As he pulled back slightly, you noticed a beautiful bouquet of flowers in his hands—delicate white lilies mixed with soft pink roses. “These are for you,” he said, a hint of nervousness in his voice. “I thought it was only right for our first date.”

His hair was down to his neck, loose and messy, quite different from the bun you were used to seeing him in during the games. The collar of his shirt was casually unbuttoned, too. He looked effortlessly flawless.

“You look… wow. You’re so beautiful,” Dae-ho complimented, sending electric shocks through your veins. A rush of shyness met your face—he really thought of you like that?

“It’s so good to see you,” you said, your cheeks flushed with embarrassment and delight. “You look amazing too. I mean, I always thought you were handsome, but just… wow.” You took the bouquet from him, inhaling the sweet fragrance of the flowers.

His laughter danced through the air, a sound that brought you so much peace and clarity. “I’m just glad I could pull myself together after… well, everything.” His smile faded a bit, and you felt the silent weight of shared trauma hovering between you.

“Let’s not think about that tonight ,” you suggested softly, taking a seat across from him. “We deserve a night where those horrible games are the last of our worries.”

“Agreed,” he said, leaning forward, his gaze intensifying. “Tonight is about us, and starting fresh,together.”

As you scanned the cafe, adorned with twinkling fairy lights and the faint piano covers playing in the background,you felt the tension from earlier gradually melt away. You could see other people laughing, having the time of their lives. It felt surreal to be part of such a normal scene after everything you had both endured.

The waitress came up to your table and you both ordered drinks; he went for a dark roast coffee while you chose for a sweet vanilla latte. “It’s nice to be able to actually enjoy these little things.” you ranted, “After everything, I never even thought we’d get here.”

Dae-ho's eyes sparkled with that familiar warmth. “I’ve thought about this moment every day since I got back,” he admitted. “Dreamt about sitting across from you in a place that feels safe, where we can just be us.”

That sentiment made your heart swell. You immersed yourself in his beautiful sunkissed eyes. “What do you want for us, Dae-ho?” You asked, knowing that his answer could make or break you.

He hesitated for a moment, his expression solemn. “I want to build a life with you, whatever that looks like. It could be road trips everyday and always having new experiences together, or a cozy apartment with a beautiful family and no worries. I want us to share everything, the good, the bad—everything.”

The sincerity behind his words wrapped around your heart like a warm, familiar blanket. “I want that too,” you said softly, placing your hand over his. The connection was electric, sending sweet shivers up your body.

As you sipped your drinks, Dae-ho leaned in closer, a serious look in his eyes. “You know, I’ve thought about you every single day since we got out. I really missed you.”

“Really? I missed you too,” you replied, voice full of veracity. “It’s been hard without you.”

He took a long pause, as if he was searching for the right words. “I never realized how much I wanted someone like you in my life. Just knowing you were out there somewhere gave me hope.”

You felt your heart pang at his words, you spent all your life searching for a love like this, it felt so good to finally have it. “It was the same for me too. Every time I felt like giving up I had to remind myself of us, and our future.”

A soft smile grew on his face. “I knew we’d find our way back to each other. I just didn’t know how much it would mean to finally be here, like this.”

“Me either,” you said softly. “I was nervous about tonight. I worried that maybe everything would feel different.” You thought back to earlier and how stupid you were for thinking he would see you differently. This is genuinely all you could've asked for.

Dae-ho shook his head with his eyebrows fixed in a furrow. “I was nervous too, but being with you feels right. I could really see us living a perfect life someday”

Your heart swelled with warmth. With him, you felt like you can just be yourself without any fear. He was genuinely your safe space.

“I promise we’ll stay connected. No matter how hard things get, we’ll keep fighting for each other.” You swore, knowing how your past relationships ended and wanting to break the cycle.

“Thank you, really. It means the world to me,” Dae-ho said sincerely, his eyes meeting yours. “I just want us to have a future, no matter how hard it'll be.”

“Yeah, me too,” you replied, feeling a sense of calm settle over you. “It’s comforting to have someone you know will be there for you, even on the darker days.”

His smile deepened, and for a moment, everything else faded. Just the two of you were in the room—focused on your shared promise. Nothing else mattered in this moment, you were ready to finally create a new beginning.

Silence in the air was broken as he finally spoke up, “I want to build a life where we support each other through any and everything." he grinned. “Even the small moments matter. Like cooking together and trying not to burn the kitchen down.”

You chuckled softly, picturing you both in the kitchen attempting to cook and leaving something in the oven too long. “I can definitely see that happening.”

“And if we accidentally set the place on fire, at least I’ll have an excuse to scoop you up and look all heroic while I rescue you.” he joked, his expression growing more playful

Laughter erupts from you and your eyes sprinkle with joy, causing Dae-ho to lean in closer, his voice dropping to a whisper. “You know, I really missed your laugh. It makes everything feel so much brighter.”

“Really?” you asked, feeling warmth spread through your chest, “I missed yours too, it’s cute.”

The atmosphere felt light, almost euphoric, as you both relaxed into the comfort of eachother's presence. “Believe it or not, I was really so nervous for tonight,” Dae-ho admitted, his voice softening as he brushes his hair back behind his ear. “I thought I’d forget how to talk to you.”

“Trust me,” you said, voice tender, “I was nervous too. But I realized that after everything, who else could understand us like this?”

“Exactly,” He said before taking a sip of his coffee. “I feel like I can be myself around you, like I’ve never been able to with anyone else. It’s so freeing.”

“Freedom and love. Isn’t that what life’s really all about?” you said, your voice filled with hope and longing. You felt a warmth in your heart as you spoke, realizing that these two things were what you truly cherished.

As the conversation flowed, you exchanged stories, laughter, and memories—you shared dreams and fears, and slowly the nervousness slowly melted away.

“I can’t believe we made it out,” he said, his voice stern. “I can’t stop thinking about the others we lost… what they would’ve did if they made it out too.”

A brief silence enveloped the moment, both of you remembering the friends that didn’t make it, the faces of people who had shared brutal experiences with you.

“I think they’d want us to live, like really live,” you said firmly, squeezing his hand gently. “To make the most of us getting out, we owe it to them.” Dae-ho silently nodded, the thick atmosphere slowly leaving.

As the evening progressed, you lost track of time, so caught up in the warmth of shared smiles and nervous laughter. You could hardly believe this was the same man who stepped up and took initiative at every rough point during the games, willing to sacrifice himself for everyone's safety.

The night ended slowly as Dae-ho walked you outside to your car. The stars twinkled like tiny beacons in the dark sky above. “It feels different tonight, doesn’t it?” you said, glancing up at the stars. “Yeah, it really does,” he replied, his voice soft but full of warmth.

As you strolled along, flowers in hand, you both shared stories from before you met, your voices mixing with the soft hum of the night. Every smile and nervous chuckle made you feel a little lighter. You realized how much you valued this moment, this time together, away from the chaos and pain that had once consumed you both.

You exchanged glances, and you both understood something unspoken between you. “I never thought I could feel this way again,” you said, a hint of vulnerability in your voice. Dae-ho stepped closer, his gaze steady. “Neither did I. But I’m glad we’re here together.”

Finally, you paused beneath a big, ancient tree. Its branches stretched out like arms, swallowing you both in its shadow. Dae-ho turned to you, his eyes beaming in the starlight. His stare locked onto yours, and he took a step closer, face inches from yours.

"I wish this could last forever baby, I love you." he whispered, breath caressing your skin. Then, without another word, he leaned in, his lips brushing against yours in a soft, gentle kiss. You felt a spark of connection, and your heart skipped a beat as you kissed him back, the warmth of his lips sending shivers down your spine. The kiss deepened, and everything else faded away, leaving only the two of you, lost in the sweetness of the moment.

As the kiss lingered, time itself seemed to stand still, the world around you fading into a beautiful blur. When you finally pulled away, his eyes searched yours, a mix of desperation and love radiating from him. "Whatever happens, I'll always be here" he said softly, his hand still cradling your face. You smiled, knowing that no matter where life took you, this memory would be a cherished part of your story, a promise of what could be.

[bucky-barnes-diaries]

Crème de la Crème

Crème de La Crème — (French, literally 'cream of the cream') is an idiom meaning "the best of the best", "superlative", or "the very best".

Pairing || DBF!Bucky x Female!Reader

Summary || After telling your dad a little white lie about your plans for the night, you end up on a date with his best friend Bucky. As you bond over your shared love of whiskey, you realize you have a lot more in common than just sex. The night progresses with feelings and fears being shared, throwing teasing looks at one another, uttering flirtatious remarks, sharing a homemade pizza, and at the end, a delicious cheesecake that kicks off the most mind-blowing night of pleasure you could imagine.

Word Count || 5845

Contents & Warnings || Fluff, Smut — NSFW, 18+ Only, Minors DNI, explicit content/language, major age-gap (reader is early/mid 20’s, Bucky is late 40’s), alcohol consumption, pet names (doll, baby, etc.), teasing, oral (female receiving), multiple orgasms, mention of bodily fluids.

Authors Note || I started this fic in January of 2023… and I finally finished it. But yey here it is. I struggled with the summary but I hope it’s ok and understandable. Idk what more to say so enjoy :)

Disclaimer || English is not my first language so I apologise for any mistakes or misunderstandings!

DBF!Bucky Masterlist

“Argh, is there really nothing in this closet for me to wear?” you muttered, ransacking your bedroom in search for the perfect dress to wear for your date tonight. Your fingers trailed over fabric after fabric, none of them capturing what you were looking for.

Your hair and makeup were done to perfection, but finding the right outfit to go with it proved to be a challenge. You wanted something that would make you feel confident and alluring. Something that would make your dates breath catch in his throat when he first saw you.

Just as frustration started to overwhelm you, your hand brushed against something in the furthest corner of your closet—a dress you had forgotten about. As you pulled it out, a smile spread across your face. It was perfect.

Standing before your full-length mirror, you smoothed the fabric over your curves and gave a twirl. The dress hugged your body, accentuating your best features. Combined with your hair and makeup, your date wouldn’t be able to keep his hands to himself. You couldn’t help but smile at your reflection. “Oh, he will not be able to resist you tonight, girl.”

With one final glance in the mirror, you gave yourself a nod of approval, before you descended the stairs quietly, hoping to slip past your dad unnoticed. Your footsteps were light against the steps, trying to avoid drawing attention to yourself.

Your dad had always been supportive of your social life. He trusted you to make safe and good decisions. But tonight was different—tonight you needed to be discrete, because he would not approve of where you were going.

Just as you thought you had made it past undetected, his voice carried from the living room. “Heading out without saying goodbye, honey?”

You stopped mid-step, a soft curse escaping under your breath. Composing yourself, you peeked into the room with a convincing smile.

He was flipping through the channels on the TV, the coffee table stacked with enough snacks and beer for a small gathering. The game was about to start, but his usual company were clearly absent tonight.

“Just meeting a friend, Dad,” you said, trying to keep your voice steady despite the pounding of your heart in your chest. You wanted this to seem like any casual night out.

“Oh? With who?”

“Um, Jessica?” The name came out more like a question than an answer, and you saw his eyebrows furrow slightly at your hesitation. For a moment, you could see him contemplating whether to press you further, but then he just shrugged, his trust in you winning over his curiosity. Relief washed over you as he let it drop.

“Have fun, honey. Just let me know if you’re staying at Jessica’s for the night, OK?”

“Of course, Dad. I always do.”

You turned to leave but paused, guilt washing over you as you looked back at him surrounded by snacks meant for friends. “Will you be okay by yourself tonight?”

“Yeah, unfortunately, Steve had to stay home with Peggy because she’s sick. Marc forgot his anniversary with Layla and is making it up to her. Sam had to babysit AJ and Cass, and Bucky…” He trailed off with a shrug. “Not sure what he’s up to, just said he couldn’t make it tonight after all.”

Your heart skipped at hearing that last name—Bucky. Your dad’s best friend since college, and the man who had started to become the center of your thoughts. He was everything you shouldn’t want—older, so much older, your dad’s closest friend, completely off-limits—and yet he was everything you craved. What had started as an innocent crush had developed into something deeper.

Shaking away your dangerous thoughts, you focused back on your dad. “Are you sure you’ll be okay?”

“Don’t worry about your old man. Go and have fun, and say hi to Jessica for me.”

“Y-yeah, will do. Bye, Dad.” You waved quickly before heading out.

Pulling into the apartment complex, you sat in the car for a minute, your earlier excitement now mingling with butterflies in your stomach. The silence in your car felt heavy with anticipation.

Until now, what you shared with your date had been purely sex. You only shared casual conversation when others were around. But tonight felt different. Tonight would hopefully mark the beginning of something more intimate, more real.

Your heart fluttered at the thought. You knew you both wanted this deeper connection, but the way ahead wouldn’t be easy. A nagging voice in your head told you that he might come to the conclusion that you weren’t worth the difficulties of navigating a potential relationship—not worth fighting for.

“Ugh, just stop it,” you muttered to yourself, shaking away the doubts. “Just go up there and have a good time.

Tonight was about living in the moment—sharing good food, conversation, and hopefully, ending the night tangled in his sheets with mind-blowing sex and pleasure. The future could wait.

The elevator ride up gave you one last chance to check yourself in the reflection, making sure every detail was perfect. Your heart quickened with each floor that passed.

Finally reaching apartment 304, you hesitated for a moment, your fingers shaking slightly as you raised your hand to knock three times against the door.

The door opened, revealing your date, Bucky—your dad’s best friend since college, and now, for the past few weeks, your secret desire turned reality. The sight of him made your breath catch in your throat, his presence commanding your attention.

He filled the door frame with his broadness, a smirk playing on his lips as you got lost in him. The black button-down shirt he wore was open at the collar, giving a teasing glimpse of his chest hair, while a fitted navy blazer completed his devastating look.

Your eyes traced over his features. A few strands of his dark hair had escapade their slicked-back style and fell across his forehead. The salt and pepper sprinkled in his beard left countless memories burned into your skin. The thought of those made your knees weak. God, he was so beautiful.

Noticing your speechless state, he let out a deep chuckle. In one fluid motion, he pulled you inside, pressing you against the closed door. His hands found your waist, gentle but sure, as he leaned down until your lips were barely touching. The closeness made your head spin.

All your earlier doubts melted away in his presence. Whatever complications lay ahead in the future was forgotten about. This—the two of you together—felt right.

“Hi,” he murmured, his warm breath fanning across your face, carrying that intoxicating scent that left you lightheaded.

“Hi,” you managed to whisper back, your voice trembling slightly.

Unable to resist, your fingers tangled in his hair, pulling him down for a kiss you had been craving since the last time you saw him. What started as a sweet kiss quickly deepened as sparks danced across your skin.

Bucky took control, his grip tightening on your hips as he pulled you flush against him. His tongue swept across your bottom lip in a careful caress, allowing him to slip inside, making him draw a whimper from your throat. The scratch of his beard against your sensitive skin sent shivers down your spine, while the heat of his body and the intensity of the kiss left you dizzy with need, butterflies fluttering in your stomach.

When you finally broke apart, breathless, you couldn’t help but cup his cheeks, humming at the rough texture under your palms.

“So, did you invite me over to your place just for sex?” You teased, trying to steady your racing heart.

He shook his head, his playful smirk returning. “I invited you because I like your company. I like listening to you talk, the sound of your voice. But my God, baby,” his voice dropped lower, “don’t blame a man that wants to listen to those pretty sound you make when I’ve got you coming apart on my tongue and cock.”

The explicit memories of him between your thighs had you clutching his hair tighter, needing something to ground you.

“So dinner isn’t the only thing you’re planning to eat tonight?”

“Hmm, don’t worry. I’ve made plenty for us to eat,” he assured, his tongue darting out to wet his bottom lips as his dark eyes roamed over your dress-clad body. “But looking like this? So pretty and dolled up for me? Baby, you’re the sweetest fucking thing on the menu. And I’m definitely having a taste before the night ends.”

His words pulled a needy whine from you lips as you dragged him down for another deep kiss, nearly giving in to his promise. But your stomach chose that moment to rumble loudly, and you buried your embarrassment in his chest.

Chuckling lovingly, he guided your flustered self towards the kitchen. “Come on, doll face. I can’t have you going hungry.”

You had been to Bucky’s apartment before during the gatherings he hosted for friends and family. But tonight was different—you were alone with him, and his home transformed.

His apartment revealed a more intimate side without the usual crowd. The warmth of his personality radiated in every corner—shelves lined with well-loved books, beautiful artwork, and mementos that told stories of his life.

The soft glow of candles danced across the walls, the oldies music floating through the air created a perfect romantic atmosphere. Your hand felt natural in his as he led you through the space that already felt like a second home.

“Wine?” He offered with a gentle smile.

“Uh, yes, please,” you replied, settling onto a bar stool at the kitchen island.

You couldn’t held but watch him with adoration as he moved with ease in his kitchen, retrieving glasses and wine from the fridge. The way his muscles flexed beneath the material as he worked the cork free had your mouth water. Everything this man did left you breathless.

“What should we toast to, doll?” He held up his glass, his eyes twinkling.

“To us,” you said, raising your own. “To good food and better company.”

“And to spending the evening with the most beautiful woman,” he added with a wink that sent heat to your cheeks.

The wine was rich and sweet on your tongue. You never minded wine, but it had never been your drink of choice. You took another sip, nodding appreciatively.

“I’ll be honest,�� Bucky confessed. “I’m not much of a wine guy. I just thought it would be romantic for tonight.”

“What do you usually drink?”

“Whiskey. Nothing beats a quality whiskey…”

Your face lit up at that. Whiskey was your drink too, a love inherited by your dad who had taught you to appreciate its complexities. Funny how you never knew this about Bucky despite all the years you had known him. It was a small thing, but finding this common ground beyond your physical chemistry made your heart flutter.

“What about you?” He asked, noticing your smile.

“You can never go wrong with a quality whiskey,” you grinned.

“Is that right?” His eyes darkened deliciously. “Damn, doll. You should have mentioned that sooner.”

“Hmm, is that so?” You purred, leaning closer and resting your chin on your palm. The air crackled between you, thick with the promise of sex and pleasure, threatening to distract you both. You wanted nothing more than to climb into his lap and let him devour you in whatever way he wanted, but you knew that would derail his carefully planned evening.

Bucky seemed to be fighting the same battle, desire burned in his eyes as he forced himself back. He wanted you to know this was more than just sex. He treasured your company as much as your body.

“Let me introduce you to something special,” he said, voice husky. “My favorite whiskey. I think you’re gonna love it.”

Your pulse quickened at the thought of sharing this new experience with him. “Lead the way,” you said, abandoning your wine glass to follow him to his collection.

“How do you take it—ice or neat?”

“Neat,” you answered, earning an appreciation glance that made your skin tingle.

He poured a generous amount for both, and your raised your glasses.

“Cheers, doll.”

“Cheers,” you echoed, crystal clinking softly.

You raised it to your lips, and as you took a confident sip, the whiskey rolled over your tongue, warming your mouth with its spicy and robust notes, sliding down your throat with a satisfying burn. With closed eyes, you moaned softly, savoring the smoky and complex flavor that lingered on your tongue.

As Bucky took a sip, he kept his eyes intently on you, watching as you went through the sensations. The same ones cursed through his veins, heightened even more by the shared experience with you.

“Oh, that’s good,” you murmured with a slight hoarse to your throat. “What brand is it? It doesn’t taste like anything I’m familiar with.”

Bucky’s lips curled into a mischievous smirk, a playful tease in his tone. “I’m glad you like it, and no, I will not tell you yet. I’m enjoying this shared experience too much, and would like to keep it our ritual and secret for a while longer.”

You shook your head as the same expression crept up on your face. “Fine. But you’re a cruel man, Bucky Barnes.”

He chuckled, the sound deep as he leaned closer. “Come on. You must be starving. I know I am.” His words hung thick in the air, and it seemed to hold an entirely different meaning, charged with a dark and potent energy that left you breathless. The anticipation between you was still there, growing, brewing, and it would consume you both before the night came to an end.

“Is there anything I can do to help with dinner?” You questioned while you seated back on the chair as he moved with ease around the kitchen, tending to the oven and checking the fridge. Pausing to take occasional sips from his burning drink. Watching him in the comfort of his own home, relaxed and carefree, was a relief and joy. He seemed so at ease with you, and all thoughts about the immorality of your potential future appeared nonexistent.

“It’s OK, doll. You just sit there and look pretty for me,” he winked as his fingers grazed your chin lightly, and you accept his reply with a sip of your drink.

“So, what have you prepared for us this evening?”

“To be honest, doll, I’m not the best cook,” he admitted, a slight blush flushed his cheeks, “So I’ve made us pizza. I know it’s not the most glamorous of foods, but it’s one of the few things I know how to make.”

“Oh, I don’t mind pizza at all. I love pizza.” You reassured with a smile. “You can never go wrong with a good and tasty pizza,” you added with a knowing grin, which he reciprocated.

His grin widened into a broad, toothy smile as his head shook with amusement—a fond memory or thought had sprung to mind.

“What is it?” You questioned with intrigue.

He chuckled softly as the corner of his eyes crinkled. “I was just reminiscing on my college days,” he said with a hint of nostalgia in his tone. “I used to make pizza on Fridays after lectures, and your dad and our other roommates would devour it whole before I even got a chance for a slice myself.”

And there it was. The illusion of normality broken by the spoken word of your father.

Bucky hissed in a low sound as reality set for him, of the controversy of your relationship, and an uncomfortable knot formed in your stomach.

Was it really so wrong to desire a deeper and more meaningful connection with Bucky, your dad’s best friend?

All the thoughts and insecurities from earlier while sitting in your car resurfaced, haunting you. Was Bucky willing to take the risk and pursue something more meaningful than just a playful fling? Or would the challenges and risks not be worth it to him?

You knew your own answer in your heart. In spite of how unorthodox it all was, you wanted him, unapologetically, and with a strong determination to see it through with him. You were ready to face any obstacles in your way.

But what about Bucky? As you gazed back at him his expression was thoughtful yet tinged with a hint of panic. You knew he was grappling with the same fears and worries that plagued you. Would Bucky be willing to take the leap of faith with you? Would he be able to overcome the uncertainty and see the potential for something more between you and him?

The air was thick with tension now. The traces of desire lost as you each were deep in your own thoughts and contemplation. And then finally, Bucky spoke. His words hesitant yet filled with an underlying determination.

“I don’t know what the future holds,” he began, his voice low as he finally looked at you. “But I know that I want to try. I want to see where this could lead us, doll, despite the challenges and risks we may come across.” His eyes held nothing but the truth. “You are so worth it.”

Your heart swelled with hope and joy at his words, and you knew, in that moment, that you were both willing to make this work. You were in this together. With time and attention, your relationship had potential to grow into something beautiful.

“I feel the same way, Bucky,” you said with a smile, feeling confident and truthful.

After you both admitted your feelings, there was a hopeful silence in the room, laced with the returning desire brewing between you two.

Bucky broke the silence with a determined voice, eager to steer the conversation back to lighter topics. “But you know what I can make?” He began, eyes brightening with a hint of mischief. “A mean fucking cheesecake.”

Your face lit up with delight. “We’re having cheesecake!?” You exclaimed, your eyes sparkling with anticipation of something sweet.

“Trust me, doll,” Bucky replied, a confident smirk playing on his lips. “It’s the best one you’ll ever have.”

“It’s my favorite dessert,” you gushed, unable to contain your enthusiasm.

Bucky leaned in closer to you across the island, his eyes locking onto yours. With a tilt of your chin, he declared with all seriousness, “And you’re my favorite dessert. The tastiest and sweetest of them all.” His tongue grazed his bottom lip, eliciting a soft whimper from you, which only fueled Bucky’s desire.

You wanted to pounce on him again. To bend over the counter and let him taste and fuck you for the rest of the night—the dinner forgotten. But with a teasing smirk, as if knowing your thoughts, Bucky pulled away.

“Let’s eat before we get carried away. Before I get carried away, doll. Because you know I won’t stop when I finally have my hands and mouth on you.” He winked. “We’ll have plenty of time after dinner…”

Bucky had spared no effort in preparing the dining table for the occasion. Rose petals were strewed across the table surface, while flickering candles emitted a warm glow that created an intimate atmosphere in the dimly lit space. Placed in the center, was the steaming pizza—its savory aroma filled your senses with delicious anticipation of having a taste, your mouth practically watering.

As you enjoyed the pizza with Bucky, one of the most delicious ones you have ever tasted, the conversation effortlessly transitioned from racy to more mundane topics as you enjoyed getting to know each other better. What you and Bucky shared during intimate moments seemed to translate naturally to casual chitchat, making conversing with him feel natural. You were in perfect sync with each other, even outside the bedroom. You could easily get accustomed to this; Bucky, with all that he offered—body and soul, and a hell of a good time, both in casual and intimate times.

“Wow, Bucky, that pizza was incredible,” you moaned softly, dabbing the corner of your mouth with a napkin.

“Hmm, I’m glad you enjoyed it,” Bucky murmured, his warm hand settling on top of yours on the table. Your eyes met and held for a long moment. The silence between you was heavy with unspoken words and feelings—emotions that were too raw and intense to voice just yet.

What you saw reflected in his eyes both thrilled and terrified you—pure adoration mixed with something deeper. When his lips curved into that devastatingly handsome smile of his, your whole body melted. You felt safe with him, secure in his presence. This felt right—his intense gaze on you, his touch igniting your skin. This was the kind of future you wanted.

“So, are you up for trying my cheesecake now, doll face?” You nodded, eager to taste his delicious creation.

He got up and disappeared into the kitchen, returning a moment later with two plates of cheesecake in hand. The cheesecake looked perfect, its creamy surface perfectly smooth and calling to you.

Your fork sliced through the cheesecake with ease, and as you brought the first bite to your lips, you couldn’t help but moan softly as your taste buds danced with delight. “Oh, this is really good Bucky. The texture is heavenly.”

You ate in silence this time, enjoying the quiet for a moment as you both savored the dessert. But as you got to your last piece of cheesecake, you kept your gaze on him. Your lips wrapped around the fork. An exaggerated moan escaped you as you let the final bite melt on your tongue. Bucky’s dark eyes followed your every movement, his breath hitching as your tongue darted out to swipe across your bottom lip. A low curse rumbled from deep in his chest. Feeling bold, you slid your foot up his clothed calf under the table, slowly inching higher until you felt his hardness. You were ready for a different kind of dessert now. One that Bucky and you had craved all evening and that would satisfy a deeper and more primal hunger.

“I’ve been holding back all evening, doll face,” he breathed, his voice deep and husky with need. “But fuck, I can’t control myself any longer. I need you right now.”

In a fluid and confident motion, he rose from his seat and pulled you up to meet him. His large hands gripped your waist possessively as his mouth claimed yours in a searing kiss. Your fingers threaded through his hair, tugging as the pent-up sexual tension that had been brewing all evening finally erupted between you.

He kissed you fiercely as if trying to brand himself into your very soul. His tongue traced your bottom lip, begging for entrance to deepen the kiss. As soon as you granted him access, he pulled you harder against his body, and you moaned into his passionate kisses as you felt his hardness press firmly against your figure.

“I need to taste you,” he panted against your lips, his voice thick with desire.

“But you are tasting me,” you teased with a knowing smirk, though you understood exactly what he meant.

He let out a dark chuckle that sent shivers down your spine. His mouth found your neck, leaving a trail of hot, open-mouthed kisses that had you gasping. His skilled hand slipped underneath your dress, fingers trailing upward with torturous slowness until they reached their destination. When he finally cupped you through your soaked underwear, a possessive growl rumbled in his chest. His teeth grazed your earlobe as he whispered roughly, “You know exactly what I want to taste, doll. This sweet and perfect pussy of yours.” With one last devastating kiss that left you weak in the knees, he laced his fingers through yours and led you toward the sofa.

He captured your lips in a quick but searing kiss before his voice dropped to a commanding tone. “Sit down, hike up your dress, and spread those legs for me, baby.” You complied without hesitation, and his eyes darkened with raw hunger as you revealed your covered core. His gaze was intense, almost predatory with desire as he drank in the sight of you. The intensity of his stare made you feel exposed and vulnerable, and you instinctively started to close your legs. “Don’t you fucking dare, baby doll,” he growled, dropping to his knees before you. His strong hands gripped the back of your thighs, spreading you open once more as his heated gaze met yours. “Don’t ever shy away from me. You’re perfect. So goddamn beautiful that it fucking hurts.”

Despite having shared multiple intimate moments with Bucky before, tonight felt different with all the new revelations and voiced feelings. “I-I’m sorry,” you whispered.

“Hey, look at me, doll,” Bucky’s voice was gentle, filled with understanding. “You never have to apologize to me, okay? We don’t have to do this now if you don’t want to. We can cuddle or watch something if you want.”

“No,” you shook your head, cupping his face tenderly as you gave him a reassuring smile. “I’m OK. I just had a moment. I want you, Bucky. I need you so badly. Please,” you whimpered softly.

He pressed a sweet, tender kiss to your lips, and like flipping a switch, his demeanor shifted back to the possessive lover you craved.

“Tell me one more time what you need, baby. I want to hear those pretty words come from your lips,” he purred, his lips ghosting over your covered pussy. The sensation made your head scramble, leaving you struggling to form coherent words. Your fingers found their way into his hair, gripping the silky strands as your hips instinctively sought his contact. You were desperate for his mouth on your, craving his touch and kisses.

“Use your words, doll. I’m not touching you further until you tell me exactly what you need,” he teased, a smirk tugging on his lips. His warm breath ghosted over your sensitive skin, making you shiver with anticipation.

You drew in a shaky breath, your voice trembling with need. “I need your mouth on me, Bucky. I need your touch setting my skin on fire and your words making me weak. I just need you, Bucky, please.”

He hummed in satisfaction as he spread your legs wider, opening and exposing you fully to his hungry gaze. When he finally put his mouth on you, you lost it. His tongue licked a broad stripe up your covered pussy, his dark eyes locked with yours in an intense stare that made your breath catch.

“God, yes. Yes, just like that,” you gasped, your hips instinctively seeking more of him.

“Hmm, so needy, baby. So eager to get your pretty pussy eaten,” he chuckled against your skin, his scruff creating delicious friction against your sensitive skin as he placed teasing kisses around your heat.

“Bucky, please,” you whimpered, fingers tightening in his hair. “If you don’t eat my pussy out soon I’m gonna lose my mind.”

He chuckled darkly, pressing one final kiss to your inner thigh before hooking his thumbs into your underwear. You lifted your hips eagerly as he slowly peeled them down your legs.

His eyes lit up with hunger as you were finally exposed to him. “Fuck, you’re dripping for me, baby.” Without hesitation, he dove between your thighs. His skilled tongue traced a slow, deliberate path along your wet pussy, moaning at your taste. Your breath hitched as he maintained intense eye contact, his broad tongue exploring every inch of your pussy. When he reached your aching clit, a deep moan vibrated against your sensitive core, making your eyes flutter shut in pure ecstasy.

He lavished your clit with open-mouthed kisses before pulling back slightly, his voice rough with desire. “Fuck, you taste like a dream, baby doll. The sweetest fucking taste that exists.” Bucky repeated this torturous pattern, savoring your taste with broad licks across your pussy followed by gentle sucks to your clit.

He took his time, his movements deliberately slow and teasing as he savored every inch of you on his tongue. Although he knew your body inside and out, he explored you as if it was the first time, alternating between kissing, licking, and sucking your pussy, trying to find the perfect combination that has your eyes roll, toes curl, and fingers tightening in his hair. Your hips instinctively moved against his face when he found that perfect rhythm that made your mind go blank with pleasure.

“Oh, fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck,” you cried as he captured your clit between his lips, his tongue flicking against the sensitive bundle of nerves. Your breath caught in your throat as his fingers teased your entrance before he slowly eased one into you, adding another layer to your pleasure.

He slowly thrust his finger in and out, exploring your pussy with care before adding another thick digit. Your walls stretched deliciously around him as he pushed both fingers knuckle-deep, drawing a cry from your lips at the fullness.

When he curled them just right, the tips stroking that perfect spot inside you, pleasure exploded behind your eyes, stars clouding your vision. His satisfied moans vibrated against you as he watched you start to fall apart, pride evident on his face at how perfectly you responded to his touch. The combination of his skilled fingers thrusting deep while his hot mouth worked your clit was devastating, building you towards an earth-shattering orgasm.

Your thighs trembled and clamped around his head. “That’s so good, Bucky,” you whimpered breathlessly, fingers tangling desperately in his dark strands as you rocked against his skilled mouth. His rhythm never broke as you chased your pleasure. “Oh god, that’s s-so fucking good. Please don’t stop. Don’t s-stop. I-I’m so close,” you cried out, teetering right on the edge of perfect bliss.

Bucky knew you were close. He could feel it in the way your pussy fluttered around his fingers and the way your thighs quivered against his face.

Your pleasure built higher and higher with each expert stroke of his tongue and curl of his fingers. Your body tensed, every nerve ending alive and burning in the most pleasurable way.

When he sealed his lips around your clit and sucked hard while pressing firmly against your sweet spot, the dam finally broke.

Your orgasm crashed through you in intense waves, your back arching as you cried out his name. Your thighs trembled uncontrollably around his head as he worked you through your high, his movement steady as he drew out your pleasure. “Oh god. You make me feel so good, Bucky,” you gasped between shaky breaths.

“Hmm, so fucking beautiful when you come for me, doll,” he growled against your sensitive flesh, his hot breath ghosted over your pussy and his stubble creating delicious friction against your skin sent shivers down your spine. “And you taste so good. Fuck, I can never get enough. I could feast on you for hours,” The hunger in his voice made it clear that Bucky was far from finished.

His strong hands gripped your thighs more firmly as he dove back in, his darkened eyes locked with yours in an intense gaze that made your breath catch. His devious tongue eagerly lapped up your release like you were the sweetest dessert he’d ever tasted. The overwhelming sensation had you gasping and writhing, but his strong arms held you firmly in place, keeping you spread open and completely at his mercy, unable to close your legs and escape the delicious torture of his tongue.

“B-Bucky, wait—” you panted, your body still shaking from the first orgasm. But he only responded with a deep, satisfied hum against your pussy, the vibrations making you see starts as he continued his mission to draw another climax from your trembling body.

Your fingers instinctively tightened in his dark locks as the familiar coil of pleasure began building once more. “You taste divine, doll. Like the sweetest of desserts. Fuck, you are my favorite thing to eat. I could spend hours just tasting you.” His sinful words pulled a desperate whimper from your lips as he resumed his delicious worship on your pussy.

When his fingers curled deep inside you again, hitting that perfect spot while his tongue worked magic on your clit, you knew you were done for. Your second orgasm hit you even harder than the first, making you arch off the sofa, toes curl, and cry out in pure ecstasy as waves of intense pleasure coursed through your body, setting your nerves alight.

Bucky continued his assault, devouring you with hunger, drinking in every drop of your release as if he were a man dying of thirst, only slowing his movements when your trembling body became too sensitive to take any more stimulation.

“Holy shit. I don’t think I’ve ever come that hard before,” you breathed out between giggles, fingers threaded through his now messy hair. His lips curved into a satisfied smile against your skin as he nuzzled your core one last time.

As your breathing slowly steadied, Bucky pressed tender kisses to your inner thighs, worshiping every inch of you, before moving up your body. When he finally reached your lips, he claimed them in a deep passionate kiss, letting you taste yourself on his tongue. When he finally pulled back, his eyes were dark with desire but also filled with pure adoration.

“You’re incredible, doll,” he murmured, his thumb caressing your cheek with tenderness. “So fucking perfect for me.” His eyes held no lie as he gazed into your twinkling ones.

You hummed contentedly, still floating in a post-orgasmic bliss as you curled into his embrace, your body deliciously heavy from pleasure. His arms wrapped around you, and you felt his lips press a gentle kiss to your temple. Your fingers traced lazy patterns on his button-down, feeling the warmth of his chest beneath the material.

Drawing you impossibly closer against his chest, he whispered. “Stay with me tonight?”

“Nothing would make me happier, Bucky.”

Nestled in his strong embrace, you knew with absolutely certainty that this—this connection, this intimacy, this remarkable man—was everything you’d ever dreamed of and more. The depth of your feelings both thrilled and terrified you, but you knew without a doubt that you’d move heaven and earth to keep him in your life.

The peaceful moment was broken by his low, sensual growl against your neck. “The night’s still young, doll,” he murmured, his hot breath sending shivers down your spine as he traced open-mouthed kisses along your throat. “I’ve got plans to make you come on my cock at least two times before we call it a night.”

His words and promise ignited a fresh wave of arousal through your body, your empty pussy clenching in anticipation. You knew you were in for a night of pure pleasure and passion, and with Bucky, you couldn’t imagine anything more perfect.

Thank you for reading 🖤 Feedback through a comment is highly appreciated! Or let me know through an anonymous ask if that feels more comfortable. As well as a reblog to share my work with other people! I would really appreciate it 🖤

[clexa--warrior]

I don’t know if anyone else has noticed this but everything seems to be going down the tubes quite fast. And not fun tubes, like at a waterpark. The “ending in shit��� kind. The issues are complicated, the reasons diverse, but there are a few culprits who have been making themselves extremely visible.

Alongside those holding political office, tech gragillionnaires (I had to invent a new number) like Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg obviously wield huge global influence with their computers and numbers and whatnot. There has been a lot written about them and there will be more, as they continue to shape the world and win favour with Donald Trump. Big, scary, probably ruinous things lie ahead. But I’m here to discuss the smaller part. The insult to injury, the sprinkling of salt in the wound.

Whether I am engaging with the news, or with Musk tweeting constantly like a man with no job or friends, or with Zuckerbergsending out weird videos and appearing on Rogan, I am in pain. Not just because I don’t like what they are doing but because they are so incredibly, painfully cringe.

I knew that one day we might have to watch as capitalism and greed and bigotry led to a world where powerful men, deserving or not, would burn it all down. What I didn’t expect, and don’t think I could have foreseen, is how incredibly cringe it would all be. I have been prepared for evil, for greed, for cruelty, for injustice – but I did not anticipate that the people in power would also be such huge losers.

I’ve always been someone who cannot tolerate embarrassment. I hate being embarrassed more than just about any other emotion and I’ve always skipped content based on cringe humour like Meet the Parents, Borat or Nathan for You. It makes my skin crawl and it makes the contents of my stomach try to crawl out of my mouth. But I cannot skip world events.

Nor can I skip Musk’s clear desperation, even as he holds this much wealth and power in his hands, to be thought of as cool. There are endless examples of him embarrassing himself while attempting to be funny or to gain respect. Unfortunately, while you may be able to buy power, it’s impossible to buy a good personality. Watching his Nigel-no-friends attempts to be popular, his endless pathetic tweets that read as though they come from the brain of an 11-year-old poser, has made me start to believe we should bring back bullying. If yet another humiliating report in the last couple of days is to be believed, he appears even to have lost the respect of some of his gamer audience, who the report claims suspect that he may have been lying about his achievements in hardcore gaming (cursed sentence).

Zuckerberg is a different kind of cringe – but cringe all the same. His cringe moments drip through more sparingly but, when they do, my body tries to turn inside out at my bellybutton. His physical makeover for Maga reasons, performing music because no one will stop him, trying to look cool on a surfboard – all these are extremely difficult to watch. He has been trying to suck up to Trump, going on Joe Rogan’s show to say society has been “neutered” and companies need “more masculine energy”.

Putting on what is clearly a bro disguise to join the boys’ club and sit at the big boy table – it should feel humiliating. This came as Zuckerberg rolled back hate speech and factchecking rules at Meta, in a clear swerve to the right before Trump’s inauguration. What could be more masculine and cool than selling out vulnerable communities and women to impress the alpha male?

Climate crises keep coming, genocides continue, women keep getting murdered, art is being strangled to death by AI, bigotry is on the rise, social progress is being rolled back … AND these men insist on being cringe? It’s a rotten cherry on top. This combination of evil and embarrassment is a unique horror, one that science fiction has failed to prepare us for. The second-hand embarrassment we have to endure gets even more potent when combined with other modern influences on young men, like Jordan Peterson and Andrew Tate.

Peterson is a big voice in men’s rights – well, a small Kermit’s voice in men’s rights – and he’s also an embarrassment. So much so that he has his own Know Your Meme page, which covers that time he reportedly retweeted an image from a fetish film, apparently believing it was a Chinese communist “sperm extraction” facility. He deleted it shortly afterwards.

Tate is facing human trafficking charges but rose to fame as a voice for young men, a misogynist in bad outfits who does really cool things like smoking cigars, wearing sunnies inside and trying to drag human rights back 100 years.

Living your life to impress other men by hating women is one of the most embarrassing things I can imagine. Looking up to any of these men for how to live your life is even sadder.

I’ve worked hard to keep these kinds of men out of my personal life, to keep them away from me, out of my goddamn sight. Now they are in my face daily, not only influencing the world for the worse but making me nauseous at how uncool and pathetic they are, on top of their other sins. It’s too much, I can’t take it, there needs to be a change.

It’s time for us to start getting revenge on the nerds.

[kyri45]

✨ShadowPeach Bio Parents Bio AU Q&A! 14/01✨

Welcome to the Q&A! A space where I can answer related or similar question about the Shadowpeach Bio Parents AU! If you submitted your ask anonimously, then you’ll have to check the whole post if it’s answered here, if it’s not, worry not! Your asks might have been used for a future comic or just in the queue~

@cloverthewanderer ha chiesto: Soooo….Imma be honest, I just found you on Instagram this morning with a small part of your Biodads au with the monkey bois. And I might’ve thought it looked so cool I went to Tumblr to binge read it and I just caught up. I love everything about the series and it is so fantastic!! Thank you for having so amazing I am going to obsess over it for awhile. I hope you have a wonderful day!!!! Drink lots of water and take care of yourself! (All of the colors and art is just divine!)

AAAWWWW thank you!!!

@sakuralotus03 ha chiesto: Now that MK and Red Son are officially dating, MK will tell Red Son that his name is Xiaotian and Red Son will call him that from now on (or else more pet names for the couple). 🔥🍜

Aww, I think technically Red Son also has like-a full name if we keep the chinese dub logic.(Hóng Hái-er)

@samfroggie ha chiesto: Okayokayokayokay- I never liked Shadowpeach, hell I still wouldn't call myself a shipper of it (or of any LMK ship aside from Freenoodles tbh) but you, sir, have made me fall in love with your AU and I can't let it go reeeeeee Honestly, it's the familial love aspect of this that makes me love it, as someone who is fully on board with MK having four dads, shipping aside lmao I'll always look at every image of MK cuddling with any of his parents and feel my heart swell, it's so freaking cute and the angst is just the nice sprinkling on top, I need more protective Mac in my life because I never see it! Also, question, how do you feel about ocs inserts? Like, are we allowed to make art about the AU and insert ocs into it? Asking because I have an oc who's more or less meant to be like MK's mother figure, and I mean, gotta give him more parental figures right?

I got no probs with OC inserts, as long as you credit the comic!

@aptainmilf ha chiesto: Need to tell you that a chapter of your comic singlehandedly pushed a friend of mine to finally watch the show and I would sincerely like to thank you for that lmao. It was the one with Wukong and Macaque at the hot springs

Ahaha welcome them to the club!

@dimensional-storm ha chiesto: Where did the inspiration for Wukong's 'War Form' come from? It's so big, beautiful!! I love the design so much :D

From the original novel, and the sun.

Anonimo ha chiesto: Question Was the spicynoodles kiss inspired by the caitvi prison kiss? :3

Eh, technically no? I also have the text I send my friend as proff, but I swear to you I planned that scene BEFORE S2 came out.

@silktealover ha chiesto: Hi kiri! I'm b33p and I want to ask if mac and my both have ears sensitive to fireworks,if so how do they react on holidays like fourth of July or new years? :3

Yes, I guess during Chinese New Year they would be really bothered by fireworks.

Anonimo ha chiesto: So you have a shadowpeach playlist? What are your favorite shadowpeach coded songs.

My favourite one is like- S1 vibe of Shadowpeach. which is Wonderful Nothing by Glass Annimals

@ayrza ha chiesto: A FUNNY QUESTION! I have also had this doubt with the canon but I want to know now with your AU Kyri... The heads of Wukong each think differently or is it the same wukong divided into three? Will each of them have a different personality? 🤔🤔🤔 Questions that don't let me sleep at night

Aww I think they could!! Like one head is more silly, one more chaotic, while the middle one is just generally more emotionally open and vulnerable.

@twilight-bai-he ha chiesto: Between Wukong and Macaque whose the better dancer 💃🏽 and Can mk dance ?

Macaque, and MK got mooves let's say (more disco than anything else)

@pyromaniacldrt ha chiesto: Heyyyy So You mentioned in other post that Macaque's name was "Six eared Macaque", right? Does that mean Mk's name is "Habringer of Chaos"?

Nope.

@super-may ha chiesto: Stop, if Macaque got hurt in his shadow form does it mean that his real form is not injured or anything? Like in battle with Wukong in the first season he didn’t seem to be hurt or angry about Wukong’s punches. But If he isn’t hurt and his shadow form is injured I don’t think that it will stay like this with Mk and it will return to the body. Oh no, DOES THAT MEAN THAT MK WILL BE ON HIMSELF NOW IN HIS SHADOW FORM OR SMTH? Or return with Macaque’s shadow to Macaque’s body and Mk’s plan will be ruined and he will need to make a choice between himself and the safety of his loved ones? OMG IM SO WORRIED PLS MAKE A HAPPY END WITH EVERYONE ALIVE AND HAPPY AND NOT UNDER THE WILL OF HEAVEN🙏🙏🙏

it's like Sword Art Online. If you die in the shadow world u die in real life.

@harb1ng3r0fch4os ha chiesto: Can I make/post edits of the shadowpeach bio parents au ?? :3 I’ll credit you ofc :]

yea sure!

@king-cinamon ha chiesto: Have you watched Nezha (2019)?

nope. I've read his story though.

@mkthemonkiekiddd ha chiesto: Totally random question (i just wanna know someones opinion on the matter since its been in my head for so long.), how would nezha react to social media, like, imagine someone gave him a phone, Would he even know what it is

He would probably be on the edge between "this is very uneducational" and "holy shit this is the best idea for arsony I ever saw"

@astro-lmk-enjoyer ha chiesto: Will we ever see Red Son wag his tail like a dog?? (That would be so cute!! + his parents would be shocked to to see him show such emotion) Oh and I make some art for you, I posted it- Bye <3

oh my- eh... no. I don't think so.

@askthezodiacs ha chiesto: May I use your AU in RPs?

yeah sure! As long as they aren't AI made.

[pbaz7]

ONE SHOT: ART INSTALLATION

paige x azzi

word count: 4.5k

A/N: This one is short because I was about to crash out earlier and I didn’t want you guys to feel the effects of my own personal crash out so I wrote somethin short to keep it cute. I hope you enjoy 🥹🫶🏼

—————————————————————————

Paige was the perfect girlfriend to Azzi. At least, she tried to be. Anything Azzi wanted—or even thought about wanting—Paige made sure she had it. Whether it was a rare pair of sneakers she mentioned in passing, a book collection, a favorite meal after a tough practice, or a night in when the weight of the world felt too heavy, Paige anticipated it all. It wasn’t just about being thoughtful; it was about proving, in every way she could, that Azzi was her priority.

Anytime Azzi needed help, needed support, needed anything, Paige was there. A bad game? Paige had a motivational playlist waiting and all the right words to get Azzi out of her head.. A bad day? Paige would drop everything to sit by her side, holding her hand until Azzi's world felt steady again. Paige prided herself on it. She knew how lucky she was to have someone like Azzi—brilliant, beautiful, and steady in a way that anchored her.

But more than that, Paige loved Azzi. She loved her so deeply it used to scare her sometimes. Paige would give her the world if she asked for it. And, truthfully, even if Azzi didn’t ask, Paige would find a way to give it to her. Azzi deserved everything good life had to offer, and Paige felt like it was her job to make sure she had it.

But Paige was also human. And everyone messes up sometimes.

Right now, Paige was with Ice and KK, headed to Crumbl to grab cookies; it had become their post-practice tradition during the summer session. The car was filled with laughter, teasing, and the playlist Paige had made for when she had the two of them in the car together.

When they pulled into the Crumbl parking lot, Paige left her phone behind as it was tucked in the center console. The device was still connected to the aux, as they hopped out of the car locking the door. She didn’t think twice about it—she was in the moment, caught up in Ice’s ongoing debate about which cookie flavor was best and KK’s roasting Ice about her questionable taste.

Inside the store, they spent too much time deliberating, as always. Ice insisted they try every new flavor, while Paige argued for sticking to the classics. KK suggested they just buy the entire menu and let the team fight over the leftovers. Paige rolled her eyes but laughed, knowing she was going to pay for whatever they decided on.

When they finally left, their arms full of the signature pink boxes, the energy carried back into the car. Paige slid into the driver’s seat, pushing the button to start the car, and let the music pick up right where they’d left off. Because of this she didn’t even glance at her phone. She didn’t know there was anything waiting for her.

What she didn’t see were the seven texts Azzi had sent her. Or the three missed calls.

Azzi’s messages had started casually enough:

Azzi 💗: Hey, where are you?

Azzi 💗: I miss you

Azzi 💗: We’re still going on our date tonight right?

But when Paige didn’t respond, the tone had shifted.

Azzi 💗: Everything okay baby?

Azzi 💗: Well I guess that’s a no to the date

Azzi 💗: I’ve been calling you.

The final text was the simplest but carried the weight of Azzi’s unease.

Azzi 💗: Paige?

Paige had no idea about any of this as she was sitting in the car with Ice and KK, parked outside Crumbl, sampling the cookies they’d just bought. KK had decided to go live on TikTok, propping her phone up in the center of the console so all three of them were visible. Paige and Ice were in the front, while KK sat in the back, leaning forward between their seats to give commentary on each flavor.

“Okay, y’all, this one’s chocolate peanut butter—Paige said she doesn’t like peanut butter, but she’s gonna try it anyway, so let’s see,” KK said into the camera, her energy always infectious.

“I’m not gonna like it, KK,” Paige replied, rolling her eyes but taking a bite. Ice snorted beside her, already digging into another cookie.

The live chat was buzzing with comments from fans, with people dropping in to talk about the team, tease KK, or ask random questions about their day. They scrolled by so quickly that it was impossible to catch all of them, but KK seemed to catch enough to keep her audience engaged as she responded to some of them.

Then, suddenly, something popped up on the screen that made KK’s eyes go wide.

“Oh my god,” KK gasped dramatically, smacking Paige’s shoulder. “It’s Azzi Fudd! We got a celebrity here y’all!”

Paige froze for a split second before a small, involuntary smile spread across her lips. Her girlfriend’s name sat at the bottom of the screen, her tiny profile picture next to it. Paige tried to play it cool, brushing off KK’s excitement with a casual shrug, but the faint blush on her cheeks betrayed her.

“Oh my god, it’s really Azzi Fudd I feel so cool,” KK repeated, leaning closer to the camera. “Hey, Azzi! What’s up, girly pop?”

Ice chimed in, laughing. “Azzi, you better send us some cowboy hats or something. Donate to the cause!”

Paige chuckled softly, her gaze lingering on the screen. Seeing Azzi’s name made her heart flutter, but she kept her reaction subtle. She didn’t want to make it obvious—not on a live stream with fans watching.

“Hey, Az,” Paige said quietly, her tone soft but unmistakably fond. She didn’t say more, instead breaking off another piece of cookie to distract herself.

But just as quickly as Azzi’s name appeared, it was gone. She had left the live.

“Damn, she left already?” KK frowned, leaning closer to her phone. “Azzi, where’d you go?”

Before anyone could speculate further, the car’s music abruptly stopped, and Siri’s voice echoed through the speakers:

“Incoming call from Azzi.”

The words seemed to hang in the air for a moment, and all three of them froze. Paige’s eyes went wide, and Ice’s head whipped toward her, her mouth dropping open.

KK, of course, was the first to react to not make it obvious. “Oh my god, Paige!” she yelled, grabbing Ice’s arm. “It’s Azzi Fudd calling!”

The live chat exploded. Comments started flooding in:

“AZZI IS CALLING HER OMG!!!”

“Paige’s girl is calling during the live? 👀”

“Not Siri exposing Paige rn 😭😭😭.”

Paige’s face turned bright red as she scrambled to unplug her phone from the aux cord. Trying to make Siri and the ringtone stop blaring through the car’s speakers.

“I’ll be right back,” Paige mumbled, grabbing her phone and quickly stepping out of the car.

As soon as the door shut behind her, KK leaned into the live, absolutely giddy. “Y’all, Paige just got a very important phone call. Like, the most important phone call ever.” She wiggled her eyebrows dramatically.

Ice burst out laughing, shaking her head. “Man, Siri really just put her on blast like that.”

The two of them were always bad at being subtle when it came to Paige and Azzi.

The moment Paige stepped out of the car, she pressed her phone to her ear, a soft smile tugging at her lips. “Hey baby, what’s up?” she greeted, trying to sound casual, though her heart raced slightly.

“Don’t ‘hey baby’ me,” Azzi said, her tone a little sharper than it usually is with Paige.

Paige’s smile faltered as her brows furrowed in confusion. “What’d I do?”

Azzi didn’t answer right away. Instead, she took a deep breath and said, “What day is it?”

Paige froze, her stomach sinking as she tried to think about it. She pulled her phone away from her ear and glanced at the screen, her eyes locking on the date. Her heart dropped.

“Shit,” Paige muttered under her breath. Bringing the phone back to her ear, she spoke quickly, panic lacing her voice. “Baby, I’m so sorry—”

“What the hell, Paige?” Azzi cut her off, her voice reflecting her clear frustration. “We’ve had this planned for like two weeks!”

“I know, I know,” Paige stammered, running a hand through her hair. “I’m so sorry, Az. This week’s just been so hectic, I lost track of everything.”

“Yeah, clearly,” Azzi replied dryly. There was a pause before she added, her voice quieter but the hurt was still clear, “We talked about this, Paige. We’re supposed to be making time for stuff like this at least once a month.”

Paige closed her eyes, guilt washing over her. “Look, I know I messed up, but we can still do it. I can come back now, and we’ll make it work—”

“No,” Azzi interrupted. “Whatever. It’s fine.”

“Az, come on,” Paige pleaded, her voice softening. “You don’t wanna at least try?”

“No,” Azzi repeated, her tone a little colder. “I don’t really want to hang out with you anymore.”

Paige’s chest tightened at the words, her voice breaking slightly as she said, “Az, I’ll come back now, okay? We can at least grab some food, just—”

“I said no,” Azzi cut in again, her voice now tinged with exhaustion. “It’s fine. I think I’m just gonna go to bed. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

Paige blinked, disbelief and hurt mingling in her expression. “Are you for real, Az?”

“Yes,” Azzi replied simply.

Paige exhaled shakily, leaning against the car as she struggled to find the right words. Finally, she whispered, “I’m sorry, baby. I love you.”

There was a long pause on the other end before Azzi said quietly, “It’s whatever. I love you too.” And then the call ended.

Paige stared at her phone for a moment, the weight of Azzi’s tone settling in her chest. She let out a heavy sigh, running a hand down her face before slowly making her way back to the car.

When Paige climbed back into the car, the energy inside was completely different from the heavy weight she felt in her chest. KK and Ice were still on live, chatting animatedly with the viewers, their excitement from the earlier interaction with Azzi carrying on.

“Y’all, these cookies are fire!” KK exclaimed, holding up a bitten piece of cookie to the phone camera. She leaned over the middle console so everyone could see her better. “This one tastes like a cinnamon roll! Oh, wait, let me show you the chocolate one!”

Ice laughed from the passenger seat, leaning her head back against the headrest. “You’re gonna eat all of them before we get back, KK.”

“Nah, I’m saving at least one for later,” KK replied, grinning. She glanced at Paige. “Right, P Boogers?”

But Paige didn’t answer. She quietly buckled her seatbelt, her eyes flicking to the live chat on KK’s phone. Comments were flying in.

“Paige doesn’t look as happy anymore.”

“What happened to P? She was smiling before she left.”

“Azzi called, right? She’s so quiet now.”

Paige quickly looked away, gripping the steering wheel tightly. She didn’t say a word as she started the car, her jaw clenched.

The mood in the car shifted slightly as KK and Ice exchanged a glance. They noticed Paige’s sudden change in demeanor, but with the live still running, they chose not to address it, not wanting to draw attention to her.

Instead, KK kept the conversation light, talking about the cookies and teasing Ice about stealing bites from the box. Paige barely registered any of it, her mind replaying Azzi’s voice over and over again. She had never done anything like this.

It wasn’t until Paige made an unexpected turn that KK finally spoke up. “Uh, where we going, P Boogers?” she asked, glancing at the unfamiliar road.

Paige shook her head and mumbled, “I just gotta pick something up real quick.”

KK furrowed her brows but didn’t push further, keeping the live running for a few more minutes as they joked about Ice trying to eat another cookie. But when they pulled up to a flower shop, the sign out front indicating it was about to close, KK finally ended the live.

“Yo, why are we here?” Ice asked, leaning forward to look out the window.

Paige didn’t respond, unbuckling her seatbelt and stepping out of the car. The florist inside looked up as Paige walked through the door, her face lighting up in recognition.

“Paige!” the woman greeted warmly. “You’re just in time. What can I get for you today?”

Paige managed a faint smile, her voice soft. “Hey Julia. Do you have any of those fresh lilies I like? And maybe some lavender?”

“Of course,” the florist replied, quickly gathering the requested flowers into a beautiful bouquet. Paige waited in silence, her hands stuffed into her pockets as she stared down at the counter.

Once she had the flowers, Paige thanked the florist and headed back to the car. The door shut behind her with a soft thud, and for a moment, the car was silent.

Now that the live was over, KK and Ice no longer held back. KK leaned forward between the seats, concern etched across her face. “Alright, P Boogers. What’s wrong?”

Paige shook her head, setting the bouquet gently on the console between her and Ice. “Nothing. I just... I forgot me and Azzi had plans to go see this art installation tonight,” she said quietly, her voice tinged with guilt.

“Oh,” KK said softly, sitting back. She exchanged a look with Ice, who frowned.

Paige sighed, gripping the steering wheel but not starting the car yet. “She’s mad. Like... really mad. I didn’t even realize what day it was.”

Ice placed a hand on Paige’s arm, her voice gentle. “P, it’s not the end of the world. She’ll understand.”

Paige shook her head, her lips pressed into a thin line not really wanting to talk about it.

KK and Ice didn’t say anything else, choosing instead to give Paige a moment. The three of them sat in silence for a few beats before Paige finally started the car

When Paige got back to Azzi's dorm room, the weight of her guilt settled in her chest. The door creaked softly as she stepped inside, her eyes immediately finding Azzi lying on her bed, curled on her side, her face partially buried in her pillow. Paige’s heart sank when she noticed the faint redness around Azzi’s eyes, a clear sign she’d been crying. The sight was almost unbearable.

Paige hesitated for a moment before walking over to the bed. She crouched down in front of Azzi, holding the bouquet of flowers in one hand while reaching out with the other to brush a gentle thumb across Azzi’s cheek. But Azzi turned her head away from the touch, her silence speaking volumes. Paige’s throat tightened.

“Come on, baby,” Paige said softly, her voice almost pleading. “I’m sorry.”

When Azzi didn’t respond, Paige sighed deeply and stood up. She placed the flowers on Azzi’s desk, their vibrant colors a deep contrast to the heavy tension in the room. Paige lingered for a moment before deciding to climb onto the bed, trying to wrap an arm around Azzi, but the moment her hand brushed against her side, Azzi finally spoke, her tone low but firm.

“I wanna sleep alone tonight.”

Paige froze, her hand stilling mid-motion. She groaned softly, running a hand down her face. “Azzi, come on. I don’t know what else I can do. I promise I’ll make it up to you—”

“I don’t want it to be made up,” Azzi cut her off, her voice cracking just slightly at the end.

Paige swallowed hard, guilt stabbing at her again. She knew Azzi was hurt, but she also knew her girlfriend, the way her stubbornness could amplify her emotions. Azzi wasn’t usually like this, and Paige had never messed up like this, and that only made the situation worse. Paige sat back, unsure of what to say or do, feeling like she was failing in real-time.

Azzi rolled onto her back, staring at the ceiling. Her voice softened but still carried an edge. “Paige, you do so much for me. You really do, and I love you for it. But tonight wasn’t about flowers or gifts. It was supposed to be about us. Just us.” She paused, exhaling shakily. “And it feels like... like everything else in your life is more important than me.”

“That’s not true,” Paige said quickly, her voice tightening as she shook her head. “You know that’s not true.”

“Do I?” Azzi’s gaze finally met Paige’s, her eyes glistening. “Because it doesn’t feel like it.”

Paige’s jaw dropped slightly, incredulity flashing across her face. “Azzi, come on. That’s bullshit, and you know it.”

Azzi sat up abruptly, her eyebrows raising. “Don’t curse at me, Paige.”

Paige pinched the bridge of her nose, forcing herself to take a deep breath. “I’m sorry, baby, I didn’t mean it like that. But you’re not being reasonable right now.”

Azzi’s expression darkened as she folded her arms across her chest. “Excuse me?”

“I know I messed up, Az,” Paige said quickly, her voice softening again, trying to keep the situation from spiraling. “And I’m so, so sorry for that. I know I’m not usually like this. I know you count on me. But for you to say I don’t prioritize you?” Paige shook her head, her voice rising slightly. “That’s crazy.”

Azzi’s voice rose to match hers. “No, what’s crazy is you being on live with KK and Ice, laughing and eating cookies, when we were supposed to have our night. The one night we get every month, Paige.”

Paige stared at her, her frustration mounting. “Az, you act like I don’t care about us. I’m always thinking about you, no matter where I am. Do you know how many nights I’ve spent in hotel rooms, sending you flowers, texting you, calling you, because I’m trying to show you that I’m still here? That I love you?”

“And I appreciate that, Paige. I really do. But I don’t want flowers from across the country. I don’t want texts and calls while you’re in L.A. or New York or wherever the hell else you are. I want you. I want you here.”

Paige’s frustration boiled over, her voice breaking slightly. "I’m here right now, Az, and now you’re telling me you don’t want me here?"

Azzi, lying on the bed, didn’t even look at her as she replied, “Because I’m not really in the mood to be an afterthought right now.”

Paige stood, running her hands through her hair. “Are you serious, bro? You’re not an afterthought, you know that.”

Azzi let out a sharp laugh, her voice dripping with sarcasm. “Well, what else do you call it when the only reason you’re here is because I pointed out that you forgot about tonight?”

“I forgot, Azzi! I forgot! Once in four years!” Paige’s voice cracked, exasperation bleeding through. “And you’re acting like it’s the end of the world, like I don’t love you. I promised I’d make it up to you—what more do you want from me?”

Azzi sat up slightly, her expression still cool but her words quieter. “I don’t want to argue, Paige. We don’t argue, we never have and we’re not about to start now. So just… come back tomorrow, okay?”

“Not okay, Paige!” Paige mimicked with frustration, pacing a few steps before stopping herself, taking a deep breath. “You clearly disagree, so just say that. Talk to me and tell me how you feel.”

Azzi shook her head, looking away. “I don’t want to argue with you. Just go for now. I need some space.”

Paige sighed deeply, rubbing at her temples before walking back to the bed. She leaned down, pressing a kiss to Azzi’s temple. Her voice softened, though still laced with frustration. “I love you. I’m sorry, Az. I really am.”

Azzi looked up at her briefly, her voice subdued. “I love you too… I’m just mad right now.”

Paige chuckled dryly, standing up. “Yeah, I got that.” As she walked to the door, she gestured lazily toward the flowers on the desk. “You should put those in water before they wilt.”

Azzi didn’t respond, her gaze fixed on the wall as Paige stepped out of the room, quietly closing the door behind her. Paige leaned against the door for a moment, exhaling deeply, before heading back to her own room.

…

When Azzi got back to her room after hanging out with Caroline the next day, she stopped in her tracks, her eyes going wide. The room was completely covered in flowers. Vases, bouquets—there were everywhere, sitting on her desk, lined up on the floor, spilling over onto her nightstand. The sight was so absurd that Azzi couldn’t help but laugh, her frustration from the night before melting away with each step she took into the floral jungle.

Shaking her head, she walked to her bed, where a single notecard sat propped up against one of the bouquets. She picked it up and immediately recognized the messy scrawl of her girlfriend’s handwriting:

Az, I’m so sorry. I really don’t know how else to show it besides this. Please just get ready and I’ll pick you up at 6. Wear the outfit I got you for yesterday.

Azzi stared at the note for a long moment, a small smile tugging at her lips despite herself. She ran her fingers over the paper, then glanced around the room again, still laughing softly at the overwhelming display of Paige’s apology.

“God, she’s so extra,” Azzi muttered to herself, but the fondness in her voice for the annoying girl she loved was there.

With a sigh, she set the card down and headed to her closet to find the outfit Paige had mentioned.

Later that night, Paige showed up at Azzi’s door with yet another bouquet of flowers in her hand—a massive arrangement of deep red roses. Azzi snorted as she opened the door, shaking her head.

“I really don’t have any more room,” she teased, stepping aside to let Paige in. “I’ve been giving them out all day.”

Paige chuckled, setting the flowers down before pulling Azzi into a hug, burying her face against her neck. “I’m sorry, Az,” she murmured, her voice full of regret. She squeezed her tightly, trying to convey just how much she meant it.

Azzi’s arms wrapped around Paige’s waist, and she whispered back, “It’s okay, baby.”

They pulled back just enough to share a gentle kiss before heading out together.

In the car, a comfortable silence settled over them, the kind that only comes from knowing someone so completely. Soft music played in the background as Azzi absentmindedly toyed with Paige’s hand, which rested over her lap. Paige glanced at her every so often, her heart swelling at how content Azzi looked now, her earlier frustration with her nowhere in sight.

When they finally pulled up to the building where the art installation had been displayed, Azzi furrowed her brows in confusion. “What are we doing here,” she said, glancing at Paige with a questioning look.

Paige gave her that familiar toothless smile, the one that always made Azzi’s heart flutter. “Come on,” she said, hopping out of the car and quickly walking around to open Azzi’s door.

Hand in hand, they approached the entrance. A man in a suit opened the door for them without a word, simply smiling as they stepped inside.

Azzi froze the moment she entered, her jaw dropping as her eyes scanned the space. The installation was still there—all of it. Every piece of art she’d been so excited to see, now illuminated in the quiet, empty space.

Her gaze snapped to Paige, her expression filled with disbelief. “Paige what… how is this still here? They’re supposed to have everything at the next location already for tomorrow.”

Paige shrugged, her casual demeanor a stark contrast to the magnitude of what she’d done. That small, toothless grin reappeared as she said simply, “I rented it for you.”

Azzi blinked, utterly dumbfounded. “You rented the art installation?”

Paige nodded like it was nothing, like this wasn’t an extravagant, over-the-top, completely expensive gesture. “Yeah,” she said. “Figured we could have it all to ourselves.”

Azzi stared at her for a long moment, her heart full as she tried to find the words to respond. She didn’t need to, though, because the way Paige was looking at her—completely and utterly smitten—said everything that needed to be said.

“Paige,” Azzi finally managed, her voice soft, almost overwhelmed, “you’re insane, you know that?”

Paige laughed, tugging her further into the space. “I know. But I’m your kind of insane, right?”

Azzi chuckled, shaking her head. “Unfortunately.”

Paige grinned, throwing an arm around Azzi’s shoulders as they began strolling through the exhibit. The space was quiet, just the hum of soft background music accompanying their footsteps.

As they stopped in front of a vivid painting, Azzi started explaining its history, rattling off random background knowledge with ease. Paige didn’t know how Azzi kept so much information tucked away in her head, but she didn’t care. She just watched her, smiling softly, soaking in the way Azzi lit up when she talked about something she was passionate about.

When Azzi finally noticed Paige’s gaze lingering on her, she smiled, nudging her gently. “What?”

“Nothing,” Paige said as she shrugged playfully. “You’re just kinda cute when you’re being all smart and stuff.”

Azzi rolled her eyes, but her cheeks tinted pink. They kept moving through the space, stopping to admire sculptures and installations. Eventually, Azzi broke the silence, her tone soft and a little vulnerable.

“This is much better than yesterday would’ve been,” she admitted. “We wouldn’t have been able to be this close in a room filled with all of those people.” She glanced at Paige, her eyes warm but tinged with a little guilt. “I don’t deserve you. I’m sorry.”

Paige stopped walking, turning to face her fully. Her hand cupped Azzi’s cheek, her thumb brushing gently along her skin. “You deserve everything and I’m the sorry one,” she said, her voice steady and filled with conviction.

Before Azzi could respond, Paige leaned in, pulling her into a slow, tender kiss. It was the kind of kiss that spoke louder than any words ever could, filled with love, forgiveness, and a promise to always be there for one another.

When they finally pulled apart, Azzi let out a soft laugh, resting her forehead against Paige’s. “You’re too much sometimes, you know that?”

“Yet, here you are still my girlfriend after all these years.” Paige teased, smirking.

“Here I am,” Azzi echoed, smiling.

The two of them continued their private tour, hand in hand, stealing kisses between pieces of art and basking in the quiet intimacy of the night Paige had created just for them.

[shoukokus]

Hello hello! Hope your day/afternoon/evening is going well! Is it alright if I make a request? (totally cool if you don't wanna do it though)

Dorm Leaders reaction to Reader/Yuu(which they are in an established relationship with) being being upset over their video game cause the storyline just hit them with Emotional Damage to a ridiculous degree. (Yes, that just happened to me LMAO) and how do they comfort them? Thank you in advance regardless if you do it or not!

Been there, shit HURTS

Riddle Rosehearts

"Rose, are you all right...?" Riddle is absolutely confused as you cry at the screen. He doesn't know much about video games, any experience he has is very recent.

When you cry out his name and fall into his arms, he holds you to his chest. He just lets you sob while he looks at the computer. The screen is rolling the credits of whatever you'd been doing, and it makes him smile lightly.

He pulls you closer while brushing your head. It was funny, what you could get upset about, but it clearly wasn't funny to you right now. "It's all right, I have you."

Leona Kingscholar

As soon as you start crying from the other side of the room, Leona's ears stand up and he's sitting up on the bed. He was frazzled, just out of a deep sleep, but he couldn't ignore you like this.

"Herbivore, what...?" The words die on his tongue as he sees you still clicking away at that game you'd been playing. It was every free moment you had, and Leona was starting to get jealous. Now it goes and makes his significant other cry?

He pulls you up, despite any protests, and drags you to bed. It was late, and he needed his herbivore. Clearly they needed him, too.

Azul Ashengrotto

He was reading in bed when your cries hit Azul from the other room. He'd been waiting for you to come sleep for some time now, with you on your computer.

Azul stood up to check on you, but the door opened in front of him and you crashed into his arms. Through tears and hiccups, you explain to him what happened, and he sighs. He gets you onto the bed, allowing you to cry.

"Yes, yes..." He pats you. "Tell me all about it, okay? It's not good to keep negative emotions inside."

Kalim Al-Asim

The moment you start crying, he starts crying. He doesn't know what happened or what's going on, but when he sees you upset... Oh, boy. You tell him everything about your game, not even just the part that upset you, but everything.

So he's just about as invested as you are when you get to the sad part, and everything just spirals from there...

Look, maybe he's not the best at comforting you, but he's a great listener. It felt good to just talk about it, and how much it means to you! You'll both fall asleep

Vil Schoenheit

Vil is doing his nighttime skin routine on the other side of his room when he hears you. You'd been waiting for him on the bed with your phone, and you were now sobbing for some reason??

He knows you well enough to guess... He sighs as he makes his way to you. "Are you all right, dearest?" Vil is sat on the edge of the bed, wrapping one arm around you.

You tell him through tears all about it as he pulls you to his chest. He strokes your hair, and allows you to get all the feelings out.

Idia Shroud

Idia knows. GOD, does Idia know. He's spent a lot of time telling others that games aren't just games to some people, that they have real meaning! He's silently thankful to have a partner who agrees with him, and can get into those feels too!

Shit, but you're crying right now. He awkwardly sits on the bed, not quite knowing what to do. What does he want when a game has upset him like this...? Well... he just wants to be held by you as he falls asleep. No better sleep than after a good cry, right?!

So that's what Idia does. The two of you crawl into bed, lights off, and drift away to thoughts of damn good games.

Malleus Draconia

You may be surprised, but he knows how deeply someone can feel for video games! Why, he was practically lost without his little tamagotchi. So when you start crying, he understands.

Malleus doesn't get you away from the source, but simply sits close by as you go through the experience. He watches you like a hawk to make sure it isn't too taxing. When you're okay to step away, he's all over you.

"It will be all right, darling," he says into your hair. "You will always have me."

[wcnderlnds]

fxxk it | choi su-bong (thanos)

・❥・ summary: thanos is your ex and when he sees you linking up with the guy that scammed him out of his money, he's furious. ・❥・word count: 1.5k ・❥・warnings: mentions of death bc squid game, fighting, blood, jealous thanos, female reader ・❥・ authors note: making it my mission to name every fic after a bigbang song now.

The air was thick with tension as winning team by winning team slowly rolled into the main holding area. Frustrated groans echoing off the walls from some of the players at how many people had survived. Everyone was fighting for that money and the more people that survived, the more the money had to be shared. Praying on each other's downfall wasn’t the most fun situation to be in but in this place it was necessary. You did what you had to do to survive even if it went against every human moral in existence. It was do or die in this place. If you weren’t strong willed (and strong-stomached) then it was game over. 

The blood in your veins was pumping fast, adrenaline coursing through you at the fact you had survived yet another game. It was all thanks to your team. Myung-gi had very kindly let you join his team. If you were honest with yourself, you had wanted to team with him anyway but your ex boyfriend - who just so happened to be in the games, too - had tried to recruit you for his team. Sensing how uncomfortable you were, Myung-gi had come to the rescue, gently grabbing you by the elbow and pulling you away. To say your ex was furious was an understatement. But, you didn’t care. Definitely didn’t care one bit. Nope.

That wasn’t to say that you didn’t keep an eye on him, often finding yourself seeking him out. It was just a precaution to make sure he stayed away from you. The breakup hadn’t been smooth sailing — a lot of hurtful words and unspoken truths finally coming to light. It had been almost two years since you’d seen him. All the lingering feelings you had deep down were threatening to surface again but no. You liked Myung-gi — he was kind and different from Su-bong. Different is what you needed.

“Hey, you okay?” Myung-gi gently elbowed you to get your attention. “I know the games are rough but I’m here if you need to talk.”

You smiled. “Thank you. Not just for that but for saving me from Thanos. He and I.. we have a history.”

“Yeah, I kind of picked up on that with the face you were pulling when he approached you. He’s an asshole. He’s still blaming me that he lost all his money.”

“Sorry. He’s just very… difficult.”

It wasn’t long after when the voting took place. You wanted out so you’d voted to leave along with Myung-gi who had taken to staying close by your side. The thought alone that someone was protecting you made you smile. A sweet guy that was easy on the eyes? There’d be no complaints from you. Thanos had voted to stay which was no surprise. He was more eager than most to get that money. From what you’d read in the media, he had lost all the money he’d made rapping after he’d invested it in Myung-gi’s crypto – every single penny. His life had apparently gone downhill from there. There had almost been a moment of weakness on your end where you reached out to him but you couldn’t bring yourself to do it. Now, as you stood in line to grab your food, you could hear his familiar voice behind you. 

“You know I’ve seen you with him,” his deep voice was right against your ear, you could feel his chest almost pressing against your back. “Of all the fuckin’ people in here, you pick him. Thought you had better taste than that, Senorita.”

You had to take a deep calming breath. Something about having him so close after so long was sending a shiver up your spine, all your senses going into overdrive as you remembered the way he used to made you feel. “Yeah, he’s nice and he actually seems to give a damn about me.”

“I…yeah, well…” Thanos shrugged like he didn’t care but you could tell by the clench of his jaw and the slight reddening of his cheeks that he was furious.

“You look like you’re about to explode there, Su-bong. Don’t go poppin’ a vein now,” you teased, turning around to face him.

“Maybe stop talking about the guy who fucking scammed me like he’s an angel on earth. He’s an even shittier person than I am. The sooner you see that, the better but you go carry on with your sweet little angel boy,” Thanos rolled his eyes, stepping in front of you to grab his food. You watched as he stalked off. A small frown appeared on your face before you shook it off. No way you were going to feel bad. That’s exactly what he wanted.

‘Whatever’, you thought as you grabbed your own food and sat back down with Myung-gi. He was stuffing his face with his food, cross legged on his bunk. A word wasn’t said between you but you could see him occasionally glancing at you, the corners of his lips unturned in a small smile. The attention was nice – it had been a while since someone had looked at you like that. After your relationship with Su-bong, you had remained single hoping to finally find peace with yourself first before you jumped into another relationship. Maybe now it was time to officially move on. Myung-gi seemed to like you and there was a part of you that liked him. If you both survived, maybe this could be the start of something good.

Good thoughts never seemed to last in your world because as soon as the idea of dating someone else popped into your head, Thanos made his way over. It was like he had some kind of sixth sense. This time, he didn’t approach you but Myung-gi instead. Oh no, this was sure to be trouble. 

“First you scam me out of my money and then you want to steal my girl away?” Thanos seethed.

“Last I heard she wasn’t your girl,” Myung-gi quipped. He didn’t even bother looking up which seemed to infuriate your ex more.

“You don’t know shit about us so shut your mouth and stay away from her. She has better taste than a puny, little, fraudulent fuck like you.”

That seemed to trigger something in Myung-gi and before you could even react, he had jumped up and pushed Thanos to the ground. The two men threw punches at each other, yelling obscenities. It wasn’t the first time they had fought. It was becoming an almost daily occurrence at this point. Thanos seemed to have the upper hand, his hands wrapped around Myung-gi’s neck trying to choke the life out of him but Myung-gi kneed him in between the legs. He rolled them around, sitting on top of Thanos as he threw punch after punch into his face.

“Stop!” You cried out but nobody listened. It wasn’t until Gi-hun and Young-il stepped in to stop it. Thanos had blood pouring from his nose, his hand trying to staunch the flow. Myung-gi held his cheek, both of them panting heavily. Your eyes flitted between the two men before you made a decision you knew you’d probably regret.

“Come on,” you said, taking Thanos’ hand and dragging him off towards the bathroom. Myung-gi looked offended but you didn’t care. Your heart had told you Thanos needed you more and, as reckless as it was, you always trusted it.

He sat down on the counter as you dabbed the blood away from his face with some paper towels. Not a word was said between the two of you, only Thanos wincing when you dabbed a particularly sore spot on his face. His poor beautiful face that was now littered in bruises. Once everything was wiped up, you gently examined him. 

“Your nose might be broken but… other than that you’re probably going to have a few brusines,” your fingers softly ran across his cheek causing him to sigh deeply, leaning into your touch.

“You chose me…”

“Yeah.”

“Why? Thought you hated me,” he met your eyes, his hand coming up to take yours from his cheek and hold it in his. “Aren’t I an ‘obnoxious, loud, annoying purple haired moron’ or whatever I heard you call me the other day.”

You blushed. “I mean… yeah you are but… you’re you and there’s always going to be a part of me that loves you regardless of how obnoxious and a pain in the ass you are. I just wish you weren’t so reckless.”

“Sorry, babygirl. Gotta take me or leave me as I am. Can’t change. Won’t change,” he pulled you in a little closer, his lips hovering inches from yours. “So, what’ll it be?”

You were going to regret this, you knew you were but the heart wants what it wants and in that moment it was telling you that was him. The most reckless person you knew but there was something about him that always seemed to pull you back in. Without hesitation, you closed the distance, pressing your lips against his.

“We have a lot to talk about,” you mumbled against his lips.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” he said as he wrapped his arms around you with no intentions of ever letting you go.

taglist: @ldydeath @angelofbooksworld @taivantaylor @sherlocke3d @djarindroid @justsisse @sassyyoyo @mysatnin @basquiat-top @urmomsg1rlfreind @belladonna-303

[shadowkoo]

Drink It Over

→ Summary: Frustrated after another disastrous date and an uncomfortably long dry spell, you drunkenly confide in your best friend about your dick dilemma, or lack thereof. You need a little help getting off, and to your surprise (and maybe a little amusement) he’s more than willing to step up, turning a simple ‘friendly favor’ into something that just might change everything.

↠ seungcheol x f.reader | 3.1k words | 18+ ↠ genre: smut, friends to lovers

→ Warnings: alcohol consumption, consensual drunk sex, unprotected sex, dirty talk, light degradation (if you squint), teasing, messy sex, fingering, praise, edging, begging, brief orgasm denial, orgasm control, sloppy blowjob, face fucking, cock choking / gagging, deep throating, pussy stretching, breast & nipple play, biting, light hair pulling, face riding, oral (male & female receiving), overstimulation, multiple orgasms, creampie, cum play, cheol thinks y/n is perfect (duh he’s simping after you ofc)

→ Networks: tagged below

@ksmutsociety @k-vanity @lapydiaries @keopihaus

@svthub @thediamondlifenetwork

→ Author Note: a big thanks to ally @lovetaroandtaemin for making this banner for me and also for beta reading. i appreciate you sm!!!! this is just a short idea bc i’ve been having a lot of Thoughts™ about cheol lately so ur welcome lol if you prefer to read on ao3, it's been crossposted here! (divider credit)

"Don’t. Even. Start." You groan, plopping down dramatically across from your best friend, whose smug face is already screaming, I told you so. He doesn't even try to hide his smirk.

"I didn’t say anything," Seungcheol grins, eyes twinkling with mischief as he slides a shot glass your way.

With a resigned sigh, you grab the glass and knock it back, the soju warming you up as it slides down. "If you say ‘I told you so’ I swear I'll..."

"Oh, please," he smirks, already pouring another shot into your empty glasses. "You love my 'I told you so's."

You narrow your eyes, but you can’t stop the smile tugging at the corners of your mouth as you lift the glass to your lips.

"Do you want to guess what it was this time?" you ask, swiping the soju bottle from Seungcheol and pouring the next round.

He leans back, tapping his chin as if he’s deeply contemplating what could have gone wrong, "Hmm… Catfish?"

You shake your head.

"Unemployed?"

Another head shake.

He studies your face with a knowing smirk before tossing back his shot. "Let me guess… He talked about himself the whole time and didn’t ask you a single question?"

"Bingo!" you sigh, and instead of pouring, you take a swig straight from the bottle, finishing it off.

Seungcheol snickers, already waving down the waiter with an exaggerated gesture. "Another over here! My best friend's tragic love life demands it!"

You both burst out laughing, the waiter giving you a bemused look as you lean back and shake your head. "Why do you always have to be right?"

"Oh, it’s a talent," he says with a wink. “And, not to say I told you so… but I told you so. Like, a million fucking times," Seungcheol says, throwing his hands up in mock exasperation. "Seriously, Y/N, you’ve got to stop dating these finance bros who couldn’t care less if you fell off the face of the Earth."

You groan, slumping forward onto the table. "Seriously, ‘Cheol. It’s not like I want to keep going out with these guys. But dating is already impossible, and I’m running out of options to get laid. Desperation is a hell of a motivator, you know?"

He raises an eyebrow. "Desperate enough to date the human equivalent of a Q3 budget presentation?"

You snort, a half-laugh escaping before you sigh. "Normally, I can power through the self-absorbed bullshit, tuning it out until… well, until I at least get to the fun part. But lately, I can’t even make it past dinner without feeling the urge to bolt."

Seungcheol shakes his head with a sympathetic smile, refilling your glasses. "Cheers to raising your standards and saving yourself from the agony of underwhelming penises."

You clink glasses with him, smirking. "I’ll drink to that."

A moment of silence passes and a thought occurs.

“’Cheol?” you begin.

He looks up from his phone with a blank look, waiting for you to continue.

“Will you fuck me, as a favor?”

Seungcheol, startled by your question (rightfully so), nearly chokes. ”Um, repeat that?” He says, after getting his coughing under control.

“Please fuck me. Not right now obviously, I know you must have plans later. But sometime soon? I know you can deliver, and I’m in desperate need of an orgasm.” You plead your case, desperate to get dicked down the way you deserve, but he doesn’t seem all that convinced.

He tilts his head just slightly, trying to read you. There’s no way you can be serious…right?

“Well?” you press, trying to get an answer out of him.

“Well, what?” He huffs, “You’re asking me for a sympathy fuck?”

You nod, searching his eyes for any sort of answer, “Pretty please? Consider it a friendly favor.”

“Pffff, okay. But only since you begged.”

It’s your turn to choke on the half-finished shot raised to your lips. “Wait, really?”

“What kind of friend would I be to let you suffer? You’re in obvious need of a capital O, or three. Plus we kissed on New Year’s Eve.”

“What does that have to do with anything?” you laugh, remembering all too well. Neither of your dates showed up and you both kind of decided, ‘what the hell, why not.’ Neither of you has mentioned it again, until now. Especially not you, with how hot and bothered it left you.

“I don’t know. It felt like the right thing to say. Quit teasing me or I’m gonna take it back,” he says with a fake frown and pouty lips sticking out.

“You don’t want to drink it over-I mean think it over?” you sit back in your chair. “Wow, maybe I need to be cut off for the night.”

Seungcheol laughs as you fumble over your words, knowing very well that you haven’t hit your tolerance yet. He’s witnessed you outdrink everyone, himself included, on several occasions. You just have a habit of jumbling words together and mixing them up at inconvenient times, he clocks it as an anxious thing.

“C’mon, let’s finish this bottle and get out of here.”

Seungcheol unlocks his apartment door with you standing not too far behind him. It’s a routine you’re used to, but everything feels different tonight. As he holds the door open for you, your arms brush, and the light touch sends goosebumps prickling over your skin.

You step inside, slipping off your shoes to fill the silence. “So, uh, this is awkward. What should we do first?” you say with a nervous laugh, trying to cut through the tension.

You didn’t expect him to take your offer up so soon, thinking he’d have plans for the evening. What normally happens in situations like this? As if it’s normal for two friends to hook up…

He doesn’t answer your question with words. Instead, Seungcheol turns to you and pulls you into his arms. His lips find yours, moving softly, testing the waters while holding you close.

It’s familiar; he kissed you like this just a couple of weeks ago, but this time, he tastes of peach-flavored Soju, and it’s addicting–he’s addicting. Your lips mash together furiously while your hands run through his thick hair, twisting his dark strands through your fingers.

You involuntarily moan into his mouth when his tongue dips inside yours. Goddamn. His tongue massages yours, each lick sending a wave of heat directly to your center.

Seungcheol’s chest vibrates, releasing his own sounds of satisfaction as you grab a fistful of his hair. Meanwhile, his arms instinctively tighten around you to pull you even closer.

Somehow, in the midst of being caught up in kissing, you’ve made it into his bedroom. He walks you backward until he lowers you onto his bed, moving quickly to hover directly over you.

Pulling your bottom lip between his teeth, Seungcheol sucks gently before raking his teeth over the swollen flesh.

“’Cheol,” you breathe, once he finally pulls back for air. He looks at you with heat flaring from his eyes.

“If it gets to be too much at any point, tell me to stop. Okay?”

You nod, and his lips reattach to yours.

He’s careful not to move too fast, even though the growing length in his pants practically begs to be let free. He’s on a mission here, and that’s to give you three body-shaking, life-altering, other-worldly orgasms before the night is over.

When he feels like you’re ready, Seungcheol slips a hand under your skirt. His fingers trail the outside of your bare leg leading up to your hip, and he’s surprised to find out that you’re not wearing anything underneath.

“Jesus, Y/N,” he chokes out the words, “You went on a date with that prick without wearing any underwear?”

Your cheeks heat up, “Don’t judge me.”

He chuckles, “No judgment here. If anything, I should praise the fuck out of you for giving me such easy access to your perfect pussy.”

The redness on your face continues to grow from his words, you’re not used to hearing your best friend speak like this. You should be embarrassed by how much it’s turning you on, but you can’t focus on anything else at this moment in time besides Seungcheol’s fingers getting closer and closer to your cunt.

He trails two fingers up your slit, gently rubbing your clit before ever-so-slowly sinking them into your dripping heat.

Your breath quickens when he begins pumping them in and out, curling them inside of you to brush against that one special spot.

“Oh my god, mmm,” you hum, bucking into his hand, unable to hold back.

“That’s it, pretty girl, warm yourself up for what’s to come. I like my sluts wet and needy for me.”

His words send a wave of wetness through your body, coating his fingers as your hips buck again and again.

Faint sounds of your drenched pussy fill the air as his pumps get harsher. “Shit, do you hear how fucking wet you are? So fucking hot,” he growls before smashing his lips into yours, swallowing your moans.

Seungcheol can tell you’re close to your first orgasm; your inner walls are practically sucking his fingers back in with each thrust.

His lips move to your neck and he sucks gently, making sure not to leave any marks - even though he’d love nothing more than to mark you and claim you as his.

So yeah…maybe he’s been secretly dreaming about this. Not exactly the whole ‘friendly fuck’ part of it, but he didn’t want to freak you out earlier when you propositioned him. But you laying in his bed, pantiless and soaked just for him? Yeah, he’s definitely had this dream before. And he really liked how it ended.

“Are you gonna come all over my fingers? I can feel that you’re close. Tell me what you need.”

“More. I need more,” you whine, lifting your hips off the bed to meet his hand.

“How much more?” he grins. “Do you need more of this?” he asks, curling his fingers even further into your pussy. “Or do you need me to tell you how much of a good slut you’re being right now, with your legs spread open for me and your skirt hiked up to your waist?”

“Definitely both,” you mewl, as the tingles in your body start to grow.

Seungcheol’s fingers purposely slow down, wanting to enjoy this just a moment longer just in case you want to stop before going any further.

“What are you doing? Please don’t stop. Please, ‘Cheol, make me cum,” you beg, one of your arms holding his down between your legs.

“Fuck,” he groans, his length twitching in his pants after hearing your pleas. “Anything for you.”

You throw your head back as your center starts to clench around him.

“Cum for me, Y/N.” His demand sends you crashing. Seungcheol admires the way your face twists in pleasure as you unravel around him.

“Absolutely perfect,” he breathes, leaning in to kiss you sweetly for a few seconds. He ends it soon after, noting that there are entirely too many clothes for his liking.

Standing up, he steps back to make the first move to undress and takes off his shirt. He drops it to the floor and looks up at you, soundlessly saying ‘your turn’.

You take a deep breath and push yourself up too. You’re actually doing this.

He watches you like a hawk as you let the fabric of your now-wrinkled skirt fall to the ground. Then, your arms move to your shirt, pulling it over your head and adding it to the growing pile of garments on the floor. Seungcheol sucks in a breath when your hands move behind your back to unclasp your bra, his eyes glued to the lacey fabric that slowly reveals the most beautiful pair of breasts he’s ever seen.

Round, plump, and perfect. Just like the rest of you.

You raise an eyebrow, then drop your hungry gaze to his crotch briefly before looking back up at him, as if to say ‘checkmate’.

Seungcheol sighs, this night keeps getting better and better. His hands work to undo his zipper before he shoves his pants off - boxer briefs quickly falling suit.

Your mouth waters when his length springs out of the falling fabric, bouncing up against his abs. You’ve heard rumors that your best friend was packing, and they don’t disappoint. Damn.

“Look at you, you’re practically drooling,” he says with a smirk, taking a step closer to you as he pumps his velvety length. “Are you a greedy little cockslut?”

Dropping to your knees, you nod frantically. You’re dying to feel the weight of his thick member in your hand, and the taste of his rosy tip.

“Open wide.”

You oblige and let him guide his girth into your mouth.

Seungcheol’s body shudders as you close your mouth around him. He tenses as his length goes further into your wet heat, nearly losing it when he touches the back of your throat.

“Jesus, baby,” he says shakily. He allows you to take over momentarily while he composes himself and nearly cums when you wrap your soft hand around his dick.

“Mmmm,” you hum, making a satisfying ‘pop’ noise when you come back for air. Keeping eye contact, you lower your lips and leave a light kiss under the rim of his head, before devouring his full length again.

His hips jerk from the sudden change of pace, and he sucks in air when your cheeks hollow.

“That’s it,” he purrs, running a hand through your hair. With a handful of your curls, Seungcheol holds your head in place as he thrusts into your inviting open mouth; gently at first but each thrust after has a little more edge to it. You can feel your throat bulging from how far down he goes.

You gag around him, your eyes watering from the intrusion, and you force your jaw to stay relaxed because you don’t want this to end yet.

The way Seungcheol looks down at you with so much admiration and awe has your pussy clenching around nothing.

His thrusts become less powerful but contain more speed, and he lets out a slew of expletives.

“Fuck!” Seungcheol growls, pulling out before it’s too late. He leaves only a string of drool connecting his cock to your mouth. He only wants to cum in one place right now, and that’s inside your pretty little cunt right after he splits it open.

“Get back on the bed and spread your fucking legs for me,” he grunts, pumping his length with the remnants of your spit.

You waste no time getting into position, your pussy practically begging for more attention.

“Such a gorgeous cunt,” he mutters, “I can’t wait to ruin it.”

Seungcheol climbs over you, and you moan simultaneously through your connected lips as his tip meets your hot center.

“You have no idea how long I’ve waited for this,” he admits in between kisses, his length rubbing through your sticky folds before sinking home.

“Oh, god!” you cry out, your hands digging into his tensed back muscles.

“Fuuuck,” he drags out, “You’ve got the tightest pussy I’ve ever fucked,” Seungcheol groans, head falling forward into the crook of your neck once he’s pushed all the way in.

There’s only one word to describe it. Perfect. Absolutely fucking perfect. He savors how good you feel beneath him, how right it feels to be inside you.

“Listen, I appreciate you being gentle given your size,” you pant, “But please fuck me hard, ‘Cheol. I can take it*.*”

That’s all he needs to hear before drastically picking up the pace.

“Yes! Just like that!” you scream, your voice blending in with the sinful slapping sounds echoing between you. He stretches you out in the most wonderful way; you’re close to seeing stars each time he pounds into you.

“Is this what you wanted? To get fucked into my sheets like a nasty little slut? Tell me.” His hand grips the bottom of your chin, forcing you to look at him.

It’s impossible to form words right now, but he can tell by your blissed-out face that you’re clearly getting exactly what you crave.

Seungcheol loves how your breasts bounce in rhythm with his thrusts; he can’t help but grab one, massaging the supple flesh between his fingers.

You melt into his touch and let out a gasp when he pinches your nipple, giving it a gentle twist that sends a wave of heat directly down between your legs.

“Shit,” he curses, feeling you get wetter. You’re close.

His hand slides down your stomach and lands on your clit, expertly massaging the sensitive nub until you’re squirming beneath him.

“Seungcheol! Fuck!” you choke out as your luscious walls constrict around his cock. He helps you ride out the rest of your shockwaves, entranced by your fluttering eyelids and parted lips.

He’s not far behind you. This look of yours alone is enough to snap the coil and release his milky load into you.

He pumps into you one last time, shooting the last of his seed into your depths, before rolling off of you.

You lay next to each other, catching your breath in your post-incredible sex haze.

“Wow,” you sigh.

“Oh, we’re not done yet,” Seungcheol says with a smirk, his head turned to look at you.

“’Cheol, I can’t move,” you admit.

“Throw a leg over my body and I’ll do the rest, baby.”

Again, you oblige, and question when his hands land on your ass cheeks, pulling you up high and higher on his body.

“What are you-” your words are lost when he pulls your hovering lower half onto his face. His tongue wastes no time to find your clit, swirling the bundle of nerves into his mouth.

You cry out when he starts sucking and grab onto his headboard to stop yourself from falling over.

He laps at your opening with his tongue before diving in. Seungcheol doesn’t care that he can taste himself while he eats your sweet cunt, you’re too tempting. He’s intoxicated by your scent, your flavor, you.

“Fuck I’m g-gonna cum again. ‘Cheol- I’m cumming,” you mewl, your hips bucking like crazy from the third wave of ecstasy washing over your body.

His fingers dig into your hips to hold you in place as you writhe against his face, coming completely undone.

You flop back into the space next to Seungcheol, every nerve in your body satiated and spent.

He grins and pulls you into his side, “So, little ‘Cheol might need a quick nap break, but then he’ll be back in business for another round…”

A bubble of laughs bursts out of you.

“I don’t know if little is the right word, my cervix would love to disagree with you on that. I’m down for a nap though, and maybe a snack break to re-energize. We need the calories after that.”

“Deal.”

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[lupinqs]

CHAPTER EIGHT ━━ Be You, Be Great

❀ ━ pairing: paige bueckers x oc (jo jacobson)

❀ ━ word count: 6.2K

❀ ━ warnings: angst, mentions of a panic attack/anxiety, underage drinking

❀ ━ links: my masterlist, nobody gets me masterlist

❀ ━ author’s note: this one is kinda all over the place i was gonna split it in two but i tried and i didn’t like that either so here this is anyways. also not proofread at all soooo

THE END of October brings a drought. Not the kind that wilts leaves or cracks the ground, but one that seeps into Jo’s chest and leaves her feeling parched in a way she can’t quite explain. It’s been weeks now since things between her and Paige started drying up, and, no matter how much Jo tries to ignore it, to act like everything’s fine, the ache of it gnaws at her.

It started just before Paige went back to LA and only worsened when she was there. All Jo got from her was clipped texts and dodged FaceTimes scattered with weak excuses about being busy with rehab. Jo had tried not to overthink it, convincing herself Paige was genuinely overwhelmed and that things would go back to normal when she came home.

They didn’t.

Paige still avoids her—not entirely, of course, because they live together, and avoiding her completely would be impossible. But she’s rarely in the apartment anymore, and when she is, it’s brief and transactional. She’s quiet during their rare interactions, offering half-hearted “hey”s and “what’s up”s before disappearing into her room or heading out the door again.

It’s just so different to how things used to be. Before, Jo could count on Paige to be there—physically, emotionally, all of it. They’d talk about anything and everything, share late-night snacks on the couch, or marathon stupid shows just because they could. Paige was Jo’s favorite person to spend time with. But now, it’s like there’s been a complete flip of a switch.

What makes it worse is the not-knowing. Jo has no idea why Paige is pulling back, why she’s suddenly so distant. She’s racked her brain trying to figure it out, wondering if she said or did something wrong. The thought of it eats at her, but she’s too afraid to bring it up. She’s terrified of making it worse or of Paige telling her something she doesn’t want to hear.

So, she says nothing.

Instead, she busies herself with other people. Ice, for one, has been in a bad place ever since dislocating her knee a few weeks ago. She’s out for the season, and Jo knows all too well how isolating that kind of injury can be. She’s been spending a lot of time with her, trying to cheer her up, keep her distracted. It’s been good for both of them, but not the same.

Nothing is the same without Paige.

And Jo knows that Paige is probably out hooking up with other girls most nights—she’s not stupid. Paige never brings anyone back to their apartment, which Jo is grateful for, but the idea of it still stings in a way she can’t explain. It’s probably just the principle of it, that Paige can go out and entertain these other girls every night while simultaneously acting like Jo doesn’t exist.

And this stupid drought lingers even under the bright lights of Gampel.

It’s First Night, the annual event kicking off the basketball season, and the whole arena is packed. The men’s and women’s teams have been split into two groups for the evening’s competitions, with Andre Jackson and Paige as the respective captains. Jo is on Andre’s team.

The evening kicks off with a dizzying mix of games, dances, and contests, the crowd roaring with every half-court shot and mascot stunt. Jo participates in a few challenges with her team, laughing when Andre attempts to dunk it over one of their managers and fails spectacularly.

It’s fun. It should be fun. But Jo can’t help but feel the weight of Paige’s attention—or lack thereof—throughout the night.

When the three-point contest rolls around, Jo is the last to go. Her name gets called, and the crowd cheers for their new freshman. She steps into her corner, shaking her limbs out. She doesn’t look at Paige—can’t, really—but, somehow, she still feels her gaze from where she stands at half-court. Jo doesn’t know how or why she always seems to register it, but the feeling is continuously at the edge of her awareness.

The contest is a blur. Jo doesn’t miss much, her muscle memory doing most of the work, and when the buzzer sounds, Andre and her teammates swarm her, lifting her arms in victory. She grins, basking in the win of it, but her eyes inevitably find Paige.

The blonde is clapping along with the rest of her team, grinning wide and hyping up the crowd, but when her gaze flicks to Jo, something shutters behind her eyes. She doesn’t approach, doesn’t tease her about beating her team. Doesn’t say a single word.

It hurts more than it should.

Jo retreats back to the sidelines, the cheers still echoing in her ears, though her head has started to hurt a little. Since the day she got here, Paige was always the first to hype her up—always the loudest voice in the room for her. Clearly not anymore.

The rest of the event passes in a haze. Jo keeps up with the energy of her team, but her chest feels heavy, weighed down by everything unsaid and unknown. By the time the night ends, she’s exhausted—not from the competition, but from the effort of pretending that everything’s normal and fine.

As the crowd filters out and the teams gather for a final photo, Jo finds herself standing a few feet from Paige. The photographers are shouting directions, rearranging players into rows, but Jo hardly listens. She risks a glance at Paige, who’s laughing at something Alex Karaban just said, her smile radiant and gummy and perfect under the bright arena lights.

But when Paige’s eyes meet Jo’s, probably having sensed her creepy staring, the smile falters. It’s brief—barely noticeable—but Jo sees it. She feels it. And it twists something deep in her chest.

Jo doesn’t know what she did to deserve this distance, but it’s killing her. Whatever is going on with Paige, clearly it might be bigger than anything Jo can fix.

And as much as she hates to admit it, Jo’s starting to wonder if Paige even wants her to try.

IT’S THE first game of the season—a guaranteed blowout against Northeastern—and the energy around campus is full of excitement. Paige should be, too. The start of a new season is always her favorite time of year, a chance to do what she loves most and remind herself why she worked so hard to get here. But this year, it feels more like a countdown to a role she doesn’t want to play.

Paige knows she should be grateful. Grateful that her recovery has gone smoothly so far. Grateful that she’s still part of the team she’s always dreamed of playing for, even if it’s from the sidelines. But sitting out isn’t what she was built for. She misses the adrenaline of the game, the weight of the ball in her hands, the feeling of sneakers skidding across the court as she runs a fast break. She misses the pressure—real pressure—and the way it forces her into focus like nothing else. Without it, she feels… aimless.

So, she’s determined to channel her energy elsewhere. If she can’t play, she’ll hype. She’ll coach. She’ll be Coach P, the way everyone loves her to be. It’s easier that way. Easier to focus on everyone else than to deal with the mess she’s made for herself.

Jo is a big part of that mess.

Paige hasn’t spent a single night in their apartment since she got back to LA—not one. It’s not like she doesn’t want to. She misses the way things were before, how easy and natural it was to be around Jo before everything got so damn complicated. But the thought of sitting in bed with Jo beside her, watching a movie or eating takeout like they always did, feels like far too much.

So, she stays away. She’s made a habit of bouncing between other people’s beds—random girls whose names she barely remembers by the morning. Paige has always been a little reckless when it comes to that stuff, but lately, it’s spiraled into something worse. A distraction. A way to drown out the feelings she doesn’t want to deal with.

But even in that, she’s careful. She doesn’t bring anyone back to her and Jo’s apartment—not after Jo saw Celeste sneaking out during the summer. Paige doesn’t want to do that—doesn’t want Jo to be dragged into her mess.

Paige tells herself she’s protecting both of them by keeping her distance. If she gives herself a little more time, maybe the feelings will face. Maybe they’ll go back to being normal, just friends, the way they’re supposed to be.

But the truth is, Paige doesn’t think it’s working.

She still catches herself watching Jo during practice, noting things she shouldn’t. The way her hair falls into her face when she’s running drills. The soft laugh she lets out whenever Nika says something characteristically stupid. The way she moves on the court—so quick and sharp, like she’s always a step ahead of everyone else. It makes Paige’s stomach flip in a way she hates.

And the more time that’s passed, the more Paige has wondered if she’s just fooling herself. That maybe these feelings aren’t going anywhere at all. That maybe this is just who she is now—stuck and restless, with a hopelessly crush on her roommate, teammate, someone who’s supposed to be her best friend.

She shakes the thought off as she walks into Gampel for shoot-around. Her teammates laugh and joke as they warm up, excited. Paige pulls on her best version of normal, slinging her arm around Azzi and teasing Nika about her taped-up finger.

It works for a while. Her voice rings out as she cheers for Lou’s perfect three-pointer, then for Aaliyah’s easy layup. She’s Paige—bright and loud and focused on everyone but herself.

Afterward, the team files back into the locker room, their chatter bouncing off the walls. Paige trails behind, mentally cataloging what she’ll say during the pregame huddle. But when she glances around the room, she realizes something’s missing.

Someone’s missing.

Jo isn’t there.

It’s not entirely unusual for Jo to slip away for a few minutes—she’s probably grabbing water or something. But Paige’s chest tightens anyway. She leans toward Ice, who’s scrolling through her phone on the bench.

“Hey, you seen Jo?” Paige asks, trying to sound casual.

Ice shrugs without looking up. “She couldn’t have gone far.” Then she glances at Paige, and gives her a look. Her eyebrows lift just enough to make the blonde feel like she’s been caught in a lie she hasn’t even told yet.

Paige’s jaw clenches. She straightens and brushes it off with a quick, “Thanks,” ignoring the unspoken why do you care now? hanging in Ice’s expression.

She slips out of the locker room before anyone else can ask questions, her sneakers squeaking faintly on the polished floor. The back hallways of Gampel are quiet except for the muffled sound of the crowd filtering in through the concrete walls. Paige assumes Jo’s probably just off clearing her head.

But then she hears it.

It’s faint at first, just a sharp, broken sound that makes her pause mid-step. She tilts her head, frowning as she listens harder. For a moment, there’s nothing, just the distant murmur of the arena. Then it comes again—a soft, muffled sob.

Paige stills.

Her chest tightens as she slowly scans the hallway, her eyes narrowing. She knows that sound. It’s raw, unfiltered, the kind of cry that comes from deep inside. Her feet move before she can think, her pulse quickening as she rounds another corner.

And there, huddled in a little alcove off to the side, is Jo.

Her head is buried in her hands, her shoulders trembling violently as her chest heaves with shallow, rapid breaths. Even from a few feet away, Paige can see how hard she’s struggling, her whole body curling in on itself as if trying to disappear.

Paige stops dead in her tracks.

She doesn’t know what to do. Jo isn’t supposed to look like this—broken and vulnerable and so completely unlike herself. Jo’s the happiest, brightest, smiliest person she’s ever met. But here she is, falling apart right in front of Paige, and it feels like the air’s been sucked out of the hallway.

“Jo?” Paige asks softly, hesitantly. “What’s wrong?”

Jo’s head snaps up, her tear-streaked face whipping toward Paige in a startled panic. Her wide, glassy eyes lock on hers for a split second before she looks away, hurriedly wiping at her cheeks with the sleeve of her warm-ups.

“It’s fine,” Jo blurts, her voice cracking as she waves Paige off. “’M fine. Nothing’s wrong. Just—it’s okay. You can go.”

But Paige isn’t going anywhere.

She steps closer slowly, cautiously, her heart pounding as she watches Jo’s chest rise and fall too quickly, her breathe shallow and uneven. Jo’s hands tremble where they’re clenched in her lap, her knuckles white, and Paige begins to recognize the signs.

“Jo,” Paige says again, firmer this time. She crouches slightly, trying to meet Jo’s gaze. “Hey, it’s okay. You can talk to me. I’m here.”

Jo shakes her head violently, her lips trembling as she stares down at her hands. “I don’t—I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” she stammers, her voice shaking. “I just—I can’t—” She breaks off, gasping for air as another sob wracks her body.

Paige’s stomach twists. She drops to one knee, her hand hovering awkwardly near Jo’s arm before she finally touches her, rubbing gentle circles on Jo’s sleeve. “Hey, hey, just breathe,” she says softly, trying to keep her voice steady even though she feels like she’s about to unravel herself. “Slow and deep, yeah? Just breathe with me.”

But Jo can’t. Her breaths are too fast, too shallow, and the tears keep coming, spilling down her flushed cheeks.

“I’m sorry,” Jo chokes out. “I’m so sorry, I don’t even know why—I don’t know why I’m like this. Maybe it’s because I forgot to take my anxiety meds today, or—or maybe it’s just everything. I don’t know.”

“Okay,” Paige says gently, nodding even though she feels completely out of her depth. “Okay. That’s okay. Just take your time.”

Jo sniffles, and Paige watches as the younger girl’s nails dig into the fabric of her warm-up pants. “I’m just so nervous,” she admits, her words coming out in a frantic, breathless rush. “Even though I know—it’s so stupid, I know—we’re gonna win by, like, forty points. But I can’t stop thinking about. I don’t wanna mess up. I don’t wanna disappoint anyone.”

Paige’s heart cracks a little more with every word, though she knows it’s not entirely abnormal for a freshman to feel this way. That doesn’t matter. She doesn’t want Jo to feel this way.

The brunette’s breathing stilts again, her voice rising a little as she continues. “Especially not you,” she says. The words come out so soft, so sad, that Paige almost doesn’t hear them. “I don’t wanna disappoint you.”

Paige opens her mouth to say something, but Jo keeps going, her voice trembling as fresh tears begin to fill her eyes. “I—I know I’ve disappointed you—or—or made you mad,” she stumbles, her breath hitting on a quiet sob. “I had to have, right? Because, I mean—why—why else would you be ignoring me?”

Paige’s heart stutters at the words.

Jo’s tear-filled eyes finally meet hers, and Paige is struck by how wide and vulnerable, like every signal wall Jo has ever built is crumbling down. Her lip trembles as she whispers, “What did I do to make you hate me, Paige?”

The question lingers in the air, hanging heavy between them, suffocating Paige with its weight. The words pulse in her chest, beating against her rib cage, and suddenly, she feels like she can’t breathe either. The guilt crashes into her like a tidal wave, a suffocating, all-consuming force.

She should’ve been more considerate. She should’ve seen this coming—Jo’s feelings. She should’ve taken the time to explain, to talk it out. But instead, she had pulled away, had put this distance between them, thinking about all of her own feelings without even giving a thought to Jo’s. And now Jo thinks she hates her. Hates her. The thought slices through Paige, a sharp pain that she can’t shake. It feels like a punch to the gut. The fact that Jo—perfect, pretty, happy, sweet, smart, everything that’s good in the world Jo—could ever believe that makes Paige realize just how much she’s fucked this all up.

I’ve never hated you, Paige thinks desperately, but the words feel so empty, so hollow. They’re not enough. They’ll never be enough.

The irony of it hits her like a ton of bricks—Jo thinks she hates her, but the truth is far more complicated. Because it’s the exact opposite. I like you too much. The thought pops into Paige’s head unbidden, and her heart skips a beat.

She takes a shaky breath, her hand instinctively reaching up toward Jo’s face. The movement feels foreign, almost bold, but her fingers are gentle as they sweep under Jo’s eyes, wiping away some of the tears that still stain her cheeks. For a moment, Jo doesn’t react, her eyes still unfocused, the remnants of panic still visible in her expression. But then, slowly, her gaze meets Paige’s. Brown on blue, the contact feels like a jolt, like electricity running through her veins.

Paige’s heart stumbles, and she can’t stop herself from cupping Jo’s cheeks in her hands, cradling her face softly. She needs Jo to understand, needs her to hear this. She needs to make it clear—I don’t hate you. The words are stuck in her throat, tangled up with everything else she’s been feeling, but they finally tumble out, heavy and full of suppressed emotion.

“God, Joey,” she whispers thickly, “I could never hate you.”

Jo’s eyes are wide, filled with confusion and hurt, and she opens her mouth as if to protest, but then she asks, her voice barely a whisper, “Then—then why have you been ignoring me?”

Paige feels the weight of that question settle into her bones. She wants to tell Jo everything, to be honest, but the words fall down her windpipe as soon as they’re formed. You’re the reason I’ve been pushing you away, she wants to say. It’s you, Jo. It’s you, it’s you, it’s you. But she’d never admit that. It’s not fair—not when Jo’s happy with Asher. There’s no need to complicate things further for something that will never happen.

So, instead, Paige forces herself to breathe, to steady herself before speaking again. She looks at Jo, trying to read the sadness in her eyes, the confusion, the vulnerability that still lingers despite the panic subsiding. Paige feels another hot sting of guilt—how could she have let Jo feel this way? How could she have been so careless?

“I’ve just been in a bad place in my head recently,” Paige says, her voice quieter now, more measured. It’s not exactly a lie. It’s just that the full truth is too messy, too tangled. She needs a reason that makes sense, something Jo can understand, something that doesn’t risk breaking everything between them. “I’ve been frustrated with my knee, and… I guess it’s just all piled up.”

Jo listens, nodding slowly, her expression still tight with uncertainty. Paige adds, carefully, feeling the weight of the words press down on her, “And—and I really like this girl who doesn’t like me back.” She pauses, her stomach twisting with the admission, even though it’s only half of the truth. “And all of it together—it’s just… it’s made me pull away from almost everyone. I don’t really know how to deal.”

Jo takes in the words, her gaze dropping to the floor for a moment, her fingers twitching nervously against her thighs. Paige watches her closely, hoping that Jo can make sense of everything she’s said, that she can understand why Paige has acted the way she has in some capacity.

“But,” the blonde adds, knowing it’s necessary, “it’s not excuse. None of it is. I shouldn’t of pulled away. I shoulda talked to you, told you what was goin’ on. And I’m really fucking sorry I didn’t.”

For a long moment, there’s silence, and all Paige can do is wait, her heart hammering in her chest. Jo’s breathing has finally evened out, the tension in her shoulders beginning to ease, but there’s still an underlying fragility in the air.

Finally, Jo says quietly, “Okay.”

Without thinking, Paige reaches out, pulling Jo into a tight hug. Her arms wrap around Jo instinctively, holding her close, and for a moment, Paige can’t help but think about how perfect Jo feels in her arms like this. How soft and warm and real she is. The weight of Jo’s body against hers, the way Jo fits into her arms, feels so right that it almost takes Paige’s breath away. She buries her face in Jo’s hair, breathing in the familiar scent of her strawberry shampoo, the feeling of Jo finally grounding Paige in way that she hasn’t felt in far too long.

“’M sorry,” Paige murmurs into Jo’s hair. “’M so sorry for making you feel like that.”

Paige isn’t sure how long they stay like that, locked together, before she feels Jo’s hands move, shifting just slightly, gently beginning to pull away. The movement feels like a cold wind cutting through the warmth of the hug, and Paige immediately feels the absence, the space between them growing far too wide. She wants to reach out and pull Jo back into her, to hold her tighter and never let go, but—obviously—she doesn’t.

Jo’s eyes are still slightly red, but as she pulls back, her lips curve into the softest, most forgiving smile, a smile that feels so Jo—genuine and kind, even when everything else is unraveling. It’s almost unbearable to see, because Paige knows that Jo doesn’t deserve to be this forgiving. She doesn’t deserve to feel like this was all just something to brush off.

“It’s okay,” Jo says, her words wrapped in warmth, in that same kindness that makes her who she is. But Paige knows that it’s not okay. She knows that, even if Jo’s forgiven her, Paige is not so quick to forgive herself, because what she’s done is not okay.

It goes silent between them again for a long moment. Paige can’t think of what to say. She opens her mouth, but nothing comes out. She wants to apologize again, over and over, to make sure Jo really knows. But the clock is ticking. The game is still ahead of them. The pressure of it presses in on her chest, and she knows that they can’t have this conversation now. Not before the game. Not when the adrenaline needs to take over and the court demands focus.

Paige takes a steadying breath, feeling the air fill her lungs, forcing her thoughts to calm down. She needs to help Jo. She needs to get her head in the right space before the game. Jo is here, with her, needing her. And as much as the emotional weight of everything is damn near overwhelming her, Paige pushes it aside.

She reaches forward, gently but firmly placing her hands on Jo’s shoulders, giving her a soft but decisive push to meet her eyes. Jo’s gaze lifts to meet Paige’s with a quiet, uncertain trust, and Paige feels the familiar surge of responsibility that always floods her when her teammates need her. She’s a leader. She has to lead. And right now, Jo needs her to.

“My dad texts me before every game I play in,” Paige says steadily. “‘Be you, be great.’ That’s all you gotta do today, Joey. Just be you, and it’ll come to you.”

It’s simple, but true. Jo doesn’t need anything more than to be herself. She doesn’t need to try to be perfect or live up to expectations that aren’t hers. She just needs to trust herself, trust her game.

Jo’s eyes shift slightly, a flicker of understanding crossing her face. It’s there, but it’s still guarded. The smile that Paige so desperately wants to see doesn’t fully reach Jo’s eyes yet, but it’s a start. She nods slowly, a small motion, but enough to let Paige know she’s listening.

“Josephine fuckin’ Jacobson,” Paige continues, saying her full name for emphasis, “you are such a good basketball player. And you’re gonna do great. Okay? Be you, be great.”

Jo takes a deep breath, and Paige watches as the tension seems to slowly ease off of her. She nods, more definitively this time, the hint of a real smile tugging at her lips. It’s small, but it’s there.

“Okay,” Jo says quietly, before repeating the word more firmly. “Okay.”

PAIGE’S MIND is fuzzy, her limbs heavy with the after effects of one too many dirty shirley’s. Despite the November chill, she feels hot, and her feet shuffle unevenly as she and Jo stumble back toward their apartment. They’re both absolutely hammered—there’s no other way to describe it. The world feels a little hazy, like everything around her is softly swaying. Her head spins, and it’s all a bit much, but it’s also freeing in a way. She hasn’t felt this loose, this light, in a long time.

Their win against Northeastern and the start of the season fills the air, hanging around them like a celebratory cloud. Jo played like Jo—21 points, 5 assists, 4 boards, 4 steals—just as Paige knew she would. A great collegiate debut, and Paige had watched every second of it from the bench, locked in. She’d felt so proud—and even a little awestruck—that Jo went out there and did that, after having such an emotionally charged pre-game.

Now, as they weave their way back to their apartment, arms brushing, legs tangling as they trip over their own feet, that sense of pride is still lodged in Paige’s chest, warm and comforting, like a glow that won’t fade. She can’t stop giggling, low and breathy, as Jo laughs along beside her. Their words are slurred, but that doesn’t stop them. Everything is funny—every little thing. Every misstep, every giggle, every second of pure chaos that they’re living in right now is a spark of joy after having been without it for too long.

Paige’s thoughts drift lazily, floating between the haze of the alcohol and the warmth of the night. She’s not sure when they’d started leaning into each other—just that they are now, and it feels comfortable. Familiar. Nice. Perfect. Great.

“You good?” Jo asks in a voice that’s too loud as she unlocks the front door to their apartment, then bursts into giggles again.

Paige snorts, stumbling a bit more dramatically than necessary. “I’m so good,” she says, her voice sounding more slurred than she means it to be. She throws an arm around Jo’s shoulder to steady herself, but the weight of her makes Jo stumble, and they both neatly collapse into the wall. They’re laughing too hard to care.

As soon as the door shuts behind them, Jo gasps suddenly and jerks her arm away, running ahead, the sound of her feet echoing down the hallway. Paige, still a bit off balance, blinks in confusion for a moment, then laughs drunkenly. “Bro—where you goin’?” she asks, her voice trailing off into giggles as she watches Jo hurry toward her bedroom.

Paige follows slowly. It’s odd, in a way—this whole night, this whole feeling. This morning when she woke up, she never expected to be here with Jo, giggling and laughing and things feeling normal again. She probably assumed she’d just be in someone else’s bed. But she’s not, she’s here—with Jo.

Jo. Jo, Jo, Jo, Jo, Jo. She’s so good at basketball, and she’s so good at being there for Paige, even when Paige fucks up. She’s still here, still making everything feel lighter than air.

Paige leans against the doorframe of Jo’s bedroom, watching the younger girl move around her room, back and forth, rifling through her closet with purpose. Clearly, she’s looking for something.

“Joey, what’re you doin’?” Paige asks. Her question hangs in the air, teasing, but it’s laced with affection—Paige can’t hide that part. Especially in her tipsy state, Paige can’t help but stare at Jo with a smile that feels like it’s stretching her face.

Jo doesn’t answer. She’s clearly very focused on something, her movements a little clumsy but endearing. Paige watches her closely, and she lets out another small laugh without meaning to. Her eyes stay glued to Jo, to how everything she does seems to command Paige’s attention. It shouldn’t be a surprise though—even without alcohol in her system, Jo is always there, always occupying every inch of Paige’s thoughts. Maybe it’s starting to get a little pathetic, actually.

Then, Jo suddenly straightens up, a gleam in her eyes. She pulls something out of the depths of her closet—a gift-wrapped box. She bounds over to Paige with her infectious energy, and before Paige can fully process what’s happening, Jo grabs her hand and tugs her into the room, practically pulling her off her feet in her enthusiasm. The force of it makes Paige stumble a little, but it doesn’t matter—Jo’s laughter fills the room, a sound so bright that it makes Paige’s chest swell.

The door slams shut behind them. Paige watches as Jo shoves the gift into her hands, still grinning, still beaming like she’s giving Paige the greatest gift in the world.

“Happy late birthday!” Jo’s words are slurred but joyful.

It is late. Very late, in fact. But Paige had been in LA during her actual birthday, and when she got back, Jo didn’t really have time to give her her gift for… obvious reasons.

But she’s here, giving her one now, and Paige feels so cared for and seen that she can barely even focus on what’s in her hands. The wrapping paper crinkles under her fingers as she tears it open, the motion slow and clumsy, but she feels her heart beat a little faster as Jo watches her do it with those wide eyes full or excitement.

The gift is a Lego set.

It’s one Paige has wanted for months, one that she’d seen in the store and practically drooled over, but she’d never let herself buy it. Jo and Aaliyah and Ines had been with her there, watching her ponder over whether or not to buy it. She decided not to, deeming it too expensive even if she certainly could afford it. But she already had, like, five sets in her hands—so, it was definitely a no-go that day.

But now she’s holding that set, because of Jo. Jo spent money on it, just for Paige. Just because she knew how much it would mean to her.

“Joey!” she exclaims, her voice full of awe and genuine surprise. She turns to Jo, blue eyes wide.

“Do you like?” Jo asks, voice soft but still excited.

“I love!” Paige responds with a wide, goofy smile. It’s true. She loves the thought behind it, the gesture, the fact that Jo cares enough to get her this, let alone anything.

It’s not long before Paige flops onto her back on Jo’s bed, the Lego set abandoned to the side, her arms stretched out like a starfish. Jo plops down next to her, the mattress dipping under her weight, and Paige has to fight the instinct—drunk and probably sober, too—to pull her closer. It would be so easy. One hand on Jo’s waist, the other around her shoulder, tucking her against her chest. It’s a dangerous thought, one Paige shouldn’t even entertain, but the drunkenness isn’t helping her self-control. Instead, she keeps her hands firmly to herself, pressing them into the comforter. She stares up at the ceiling for a moment before her gaze inevitably shifts to Jo.

Jo is staring at the ceiling, too, wide-eyed, like she’s marveling at the sheer existence of it. Her mouth falls open in an exaggerated “wow,” and Paige bites her lip to stifle yet another laugh.

“The world is spinning,” Jo announces, her voice filled with awe and disbelief, like she’s just uncovered some profound universal truth.

Paige can’t hold back her laughter this time. It bubbles out of her, loud and unabashed. “Bro, you’re so drunk,” she says, turning her head to look at her more directly.

Jo grins and shifts her gaze, meeting Paige’s eyes. “No, you’re so drunk!” she fired back, her words slurring slightly as she pokes Paige in the shoulder for emphasis.

They’re both laughing now, the kind of laughter that comes from being young and carefree and absolutely wasted. It’s the kind of moment Paige wants to capture and keep forever, this version of Jo so happy and light and hers, if only for now.

But then, the sharp trill of a phone cuts through the moment, jolting them both from their drunken bubble. Jo groans, her head tipping back against the mattress as if the mere thought of moving is too much effort. “Ugh, noooo,” she whines, squirming around to try and reach into her back pocket where her phone is ringing insistently.

Paige sits up slightly, propping herself on one elbow, laughing at Jo’s struggles. “C’mon, champ,” she teases, watching the younger girl twist and wriggle until she finally manages to pull her phone free. Jo squints at the screen, her tongue sticking out a little in concentration, before she lets out a soft, “Oh. It’s Asher.”

The name hits Paige like a splash of cold water, instantly sobering her. She forces her face to stay neutral, her heart sinking just slightly as Jo answers the call. She tries to brush it off, but it feels like someone just yanked her back to reality.

Jo’s voice brightens as she presses the phone to her ear. “Hiiii, what do you want?” she greets, the words teasing but affectionate. Paige watches her closely, her eyes scanning Jo’s face, cataloging every expression as Asher’s voice hums faintly on the other side of the line. She can’t make out the words, but she doesn’t really need to. Jo’s smile tells her everything she doesn’t want to know.

“Yes, I’m drunk,” Jo says with a laugh, rolling her eyes playfully. Another pause, another response Paige doesn’t hear. “Okay, yes, I will.” Jo giggles, the sound light and airy, and Paige’s chest aches. “Yes, I love you, too. Byeeee!” Jo hangs up with a flourish, tossing the phone toward the foot of the bed. It bounces off and clatters to the floor, but Jo just laughs. “Oops.”

Paige tries to laugh with her, but it doesn’t come as easily as before. She’s too caught up in the sting of hearing Jo say those words so effortlessly. I love you too. It’s not like Paige hasn’t heard it before, but tonight, when they’ve spent the whole evening laughing and leaning into each other’s space, it feels sharper, harder to ignore.

Before she can think too much, Jo scoots closer, collapsing onto Paige with a happy sigh. Her head rests on Paige’s chest, and Paige freezes, her heart slamming against her robe as a Jo mumbles, “Boys,” in an exasperated tone, as if that single word explains everything.

Paige forces a chuckle, but it’s quieter now, more subdued. Her mind races, but she doesn’t move. She can’t. She doesn’t trust herself to touch Jo, even though she wants to, desperately. She wants to wrap her arms around her, hold her tight, tell her that boys are stupid and unnecessary and that Paige could love her better, so much better. But she doesn’t.

Jo’s breathing slows and it seems within moments, she’s out cold, the alcohol taking everything out of her, her body heavy and warm against Paige’s. Paige shifts slightly, careful not to disturb her, and lets out a shaky breath. She hesitates, then lifts a hand, brushing it gently through Jo’s hair. The soft strands glide through her fingers, and it’s soothing in a way she can’t explain, even if it makes her chest hurt.

She stares at Jo, at the peaceful expression on her face. She shouldn’t feel this way. She knows that. But knowing—or the stupid space shit she tried that was clearly bad for both of them—doesn’t stop the feelings. It doesn’t stop the yearning or the way her stomach flips every time Jo looks at her. It doesn’t stop the way she knows Jo is happy with Asher, that Jo loves him, that Paige will never be anything more than her best friend.

But she decides that it’s enough. That it has to be. If this is the only way she can have Jo, then she’ll take it. She’ll take the laughter, the late nights, the moments like these where Jo trusts her enough to fall asleep on her. She’ll take Jo in any way she’ll give her, even if it breaks her heart a little more every day.

Because loving Jo, even from a distance, even like this, feels like the most natural thing in the world.

[hugewoman]

This article really is so chilling, it paints such a vivid and horrific picture of him as a bundy-esque predator luring women in by appearing nerdy and hapless and harmless and immediately switching the script on them.

And by all accounts he thinks he didn’t do anything wrong! Everything that’s come out from his mouth has been shock and denial, he insists these encounters were consensual and romantic and it makes my stomach turn

I wanted to lay out some of the key points in timeline order bc although it’s a very well written piece it’s not a very organized article - it’s a long read and it jumps around a lot:

The article focuses mainly on Scarlett Pavlovich of New Zealand. She was broke and almost homeless when she first met and befriended Amanda Palmer in 2020, who drew her in and sort of took advantage of her from the get go, getting her to do favors and help out without any compensation. Amanda asked Scarlett to babysit her and Gaiman’s five year old son, and she got along well with the boy right away and loved watching him.

Literally on her first meeting with Gaiman on a weekend she had agreed to watch the boy, he manipulated her into getting naked in a bath with him and fingered her and came on her, and admitted that Amanda had told him he couldn’t have her (amanda had actually said “don’t fuck her she’s too vulnerable”)

Over the course of less than a month he made Scarlett engage in humiliating sex acts involving his body fluids, making her lick urine off of him and *lick her own shit off of his dick* after raping her anally so brutally that she passed out from the pain. He forced himself down her throat so violently that she threw up and he made her lick up her own vomit

She said that he increasingly drew her into more and more sex acts in front of his five year old son until the point where the boy was also treating her degradingly and referring to her as “slave” after only a week of her being there

When she confided in Amanda about what Gaiman had done to her she reportedly said that 14 women had come to her with similar allegations about him and that she told her “I’ve had to do this before, and I can do this again. I will take care of you”

There were some sessions with a therapist but it seemed like Scarlett was maybe only only repeating what gaiman wanted to hear, that it had all been consensual and he wasn’t a monster, and the article claims it all only made her feel bad and guilty and ultimately suicidal.

She signed an NDA and was paid roughly ten grand for having babysat their child, and in 2023 she ended up filing a police report against gaiman. She had hoped that Amanda would help substantiate her claims since their divorce had finalized, but it seems like she hasn’t been willing to speak on the matter and all her offers for support were most likely performative

The details about the other women he victimized are a little all over the place, and I had to really root around for them:

Multiple women (four of whom the author was able to reach but more have come forward) say he made them call him master and treated them like sex slaves, jumping into violent bdsm shit with no warning or conversation about it

Kendra Stout of Florida who met him at a book signing in 2003 (when she was 18!) and whom he purchased a webcam for so they could have a relationship, said “He didn’t believe in foreplay or lubrication” and reported dry forced penetration, being beaten with his belt, and ultimately being raped while having a severe uti that caused her intense pain. She only recently filed a police report

Katherine Kendall a 22 year old volunteer at an event he attended in North Caroline in 2012, who thought he was only interested in a flirty friendship until ten months later when he lured her and several of her friends onto his tour bus and laid down on top of her demanding she kiss him. He sent her sixty grand afterwards for therapy

A fan of Amanda’s who she had sex with on and off for six months in 2012 and delivered to him to “play with like a toy” after she got bored with her said that he often pressured her into things she didn’t want to do that hurt and scared her

A 20 year old fan of his who he had an affair with while Amanda was pregnant with their son in 2014, and who he claimed made things difficult for him since he had taken her virginity. Their marriage at that point was supposed to have closed as they became focused on building a family, and Amanda was upset and felt betrayed. Supposedly he saw and slept with her again for years, and she may have been the impetus for their divorce

Caroline Wallner (an actual adult woman) of New York who was living and working as a caretaker on the large rural property he bought with Amanda, had to put up with him constantly sexually harassing her while she was depressed from her marriage falling apart. He also tried to have sex with her once while his son was in the room, and he essentially evicted her from his property in 2021 after she stopped engaging with him sexually, despite having promised her a piece of the land to live on with her children. She said of him “He didn’t have boundaries, there was something really wrong with him”

Important to note: most of the details of women he predated on were from the last twenty years and during his relationship with Amanda Palmer, however we know fucking the nanny is what caused his first marriage to fall apart as well, so there are likely at least as many again if not more currently unnamed and unknown victims!

Neil Gaiman should be fucking drawn and quartered in a public square. the vulture article is one of the most horrific accounts of sexual abuse i've ever read in my life. disgusting and depraved beyond comprehension. i can't wrap my head around how this man wrote such warm and empathetic and thoughtful stories and preached for years about inclusivity and representation and championed fans etc etc only to have been doing this utterly depraved shit behind closed doors. i genuinely feel physically ill. kill him. and Amanda Palmer too for knowing and not only staying silent, but pushing vulnerable women his way too. she's an accomplice and they will both rot in hell.

[blondeaxolotl]

Finally dropping a ref sheet for my yuusona, say hi to Yuu/Ebi

undercut if you want to hear me yap about her a bit

Yuu, or Ebi is a giant monster shrimp (non-magic user). Where she came from or what her homeland is currently unknown. But it's safe to assume she comes from a place populated by mostly sea monsters like her.

Despite being a monster (maybe similar to Grim?), Ebi seems to have a more calming and sensible personality when compared to Grim, only reacting strongly when something seriously bad is going to happen (ex: someone almost fucking dying) or when she's over-exaggerating to just get a reaction out of someone. Surprisingly, when she arrived to NRC, she had a more irritated reaction knowing full well she was somewhere she didn't belong, and complained under her breath about "missing work and getting family worried for nothing". In other words she seemed to have known she wasn't in any true danger when she arrived, thankfully. Ebi also appears to be naturally caring for others, immediately taking in with living with Grim at Ramschackle (and eventually becoming his caretaker basically), and helping Ace and Deuce out with whatever issues they're having without hesitation (issues being either preventing them from almost being expelled or just help with simple homework). This soon enough became an on-going thing with majority of the students, and according to Ebi it's because;

"I grew up in a large family and have always taken care of my younger siblings. It's in my duty to help and take care of those who need a hand to come pick them up from the ground, even if they didn't ask for it."

It didn't help that Ebi was already older than most students there, being closer to Leona's age, she started to view and treat a lot of students as if they were her younger siblings. And like it was meant to be, this quickly made her earned the title of "Big Sis Ebi". Making it known that she was someone who the students could trust and come to for both help and comfort. This meant there were a lot of visits at Ramschackle, (especially from the ones who overblotted GULPS) but fortunately, this just made Ebi feel more at home as it reminded her of her actual siblings back at her homeland, so she doesn't mind these visits (Grim on the other hand not so much).

Also yes, just like any older sibling, this does mean Ebi started to mess and tease the ones she viewed as younger siblings a lot. It ain't a true sibling bond without at least a wee bit of sibling rivalry 👌 (Rip Ace he's the most common victim to this).

ANYWAY, okay enough yapping, when I first created Ebi she was just a silly gag I made when I first got into twst.

But when I actually started to put effort into her I at first didn't know what to do since most yuusonas I know of were shipped with other characters. But I didn't want Ebi to have anything romantic with any character, I decided what better way than to basically make her the older sister figure everyone comes to when they need help? I thought it's both funny that characters are looking for comfort from a literal giant fucking shrimp, but also twst characters genuine just seem to lack a lot of comfort because Jesus fucking Christ all of you need therapy and a hug, no matter if it's by a shrimp or not 😭.

Okay yeah, that's it for Ebi if anyone has any questions about her or her dynamics with other characters, feel free to send an ask in my inbox 🦐.

[thewertsearch]

You make a cautious motion toward a beckoning EXIT KNOB, when suddenly THE SAME WILD CHARACTER-SELECT SCREEN REAPPROACHES NONTHREATENINGLY!

I think we've got to go with Jake, unless one of the blondes is secretly clickable this time around.

...nope, doesn't look like it. Back to English class, then!

What was it you were up to? Oh right, you were going to pick these dang guns up off the floor when you were interrupted by some fleeting imperceptible thought. You kind of space out sometimes.

A reference to Jake's 'spacing out' feels like it could be a hint that he's the session's new Space Player. I guess he is living beside the Forge, but I still think there's currently more evidence for Doom.

You pick up your TWIN M9 BERETTAS, weapons of choice in an absurd arsenal inherited from an eccentric old woman.

I could absolutely see Grandma Jade rocking the Sassacre Slayers. She is a skilled markswoman, after all, and we've seen her abilities in action a couple of times.

You think your bed is some sort of electronic gadget. You're pretty sure those bedpost globes are supposed to glow like light bulbs under certain circumstances. But you've never been able to figure out what purpose it serves. Just more mysterious junk inherited from your eclectic GRANDMA.

No Dreambot for Jake, I take it. Guess that makes sense - that bot was Crockertech, and Grandma Jade didn't inherit the company like Grandpa Jake did.

He's still got an upgraded bed, though, so my guess is that Jade attempted the Dreambot project, but simply didn't have the resources to complete it.

She also gave you these bedsheets when you were very young, which you adore, but only for sentimental reasons.

It looks like the only lusi depicted on Jake's bedsheets are the twelve we're already familiar with. That catlike silhouette in the center-bottom is a slight question mark, but I think it's supposed to be a very skinny Pounce De Leon.

I was going to ask where Jade got a bedsheet which references the Alternian Players, but then I remembered that her adoptive mother was an Alternian Player. Jade probably swiped some of her things on the way out, the cheeky minx.

You aren't too keen on monsters.

Yeesh, the Medium's not going to be much fun for our boy.

You'd expect an adventure-lover to be a lot more enthusiastic about fighting monsters, but I guess we all have our phobias. At least he has a ranged weapon, so he won't have to get up close and personal with his Underlings.

A lot of these posters are fairly transparent references to Lord English. The Mummy alludes to the weird sarcophagus he summoned in his Intermission, Weekend at Bernie's is about corpse-puppeting someone like he did with Scratch, and The Incredible Hulk explains itself.

Special shout out to this poster, though, which I'm pretty sure is literally titled Time-Travelling Demon. Subtle!

[hongjoongspoetry]

So it's Thursday and I finally found time to read a lot of stuff on my to-read-list and I'm actually baffled how long I waited to read this gem of a fic 😭

First of all, I've always hated Snow, but it's amazing how you make me hate him even more lmaoo 😭 My heart goes out to this MC (all your MCs in the HG universe, lets be fr) but it also aches for Yunho 🤧 UGH I LOVE YOUR IDEAS FOR THE HG UNIVERSE, like I always expect the fic to be about the games, and not about life after winning - serving as puppets pulled by Snow.

The dynamic between Yunho and the MC already got me hooked right off the bat. Like I needed to know what all that bad blood was abou. I could literally feel their past through the screen, all the complicated emotions they had for each other. Yunho (per usual) was getting on my nerves too, if she said leave, then leave!... but it was evident later on he stayed because he knows the MC too much and he knew she needed someone there 😭🤧

The TV went silent with a sickeningly loud crack as the remote control flew into it, shattering it into pieces. My lungs were heaving for air as I sprung up from the sofa, a scream tearing through my throat as I stared at my reflection in the broken TV.

As sad as it sounds, I love the way you portrayed the MC's anger at the news of the Quartell games. The uncontrollable anger, her acting out and smashing things, putting everyone and even herself in harms way. She was literally spiralling out of control and she had every right to. Trust me when I say I was feeling so empty reading Yunho comforting her (EVEN THOUGH HE'S GOING THROUGH HIS OWN TURMOIL OH LAWD) and I didn't expect them to go full blown make out session, but im not complaining 👀 they are two lost souls who have no life left in them, just give them a break im begging.

I was scared, I was scared because all of a sudden I realized I had something to lose. I have always had something to lose, even when President Snow thought he had taken everything and everyone away from me, he forgot about one person. He forgot about Jeong Yunho.

OH SHIT, WELL THAT MAKES ME UNDERSTAND HER COLD SHOULDER TOWARDS YUNHO. OF COURSE IT WAS ALL SNOW GETTING UP IN PEOPLE'S BUSINESS AGAIN 😭

If there's something I love more than enemies to lovers, then it's enemies to lovers with a hint of jealousy 😈 I literally became joongrami the moment finnick showed up 🐿️

but thankfully, no matter how spoiled, my stylist, Wooyoung was, he’d never make me wear anything revealing or uncomfortable

AND I CHEERED!!!! (ugh now I need a stylist!san x stylist!woo fic-)

“Lover boy and his bestie are staring at us,” Finnick mused with amusement lacing his tone, “I don’t think your lover boy is too happy that you’re here with me, instead of being with him.” I scoffed, turning my head to look where Yunho and Mingi stood, catching their gazes as Mingi flinched and quickly looked down at the ground, but Yunho held my gaze, jaw clenched and eyes slightly narrowed. I rolled my eyes and turned my back to them, grabbing Finnick’s bicep as I leaned closer to him

As always, you're amazing at keeping the original HG characters true to their personalities in the real franchise, but also your own OCs, like Mingi still being jumpy.

“You’d kill yourself first before they’d even pronounce you as his wife.” Minghao’s reply came fast, cutting through the growing tension due to my blatant jar directed at Yunho.

Same, Minghao. Same.

Okay, but I absolutely LOVE that the MC fucked up the training room. Yes, honey, you show them they fucked with the wrong person. Im actually surprised not many other tributes had that idea before 😭 Like, personally speaking, I would not be able to keep my cool and show off like in a circus to get a few points

Man, im really starting to dislike her whole team, WHY ARE THEY GANGING UP ON HER GIVE MY GIRL A BREAK😭

Istg it wouldn't be a bvidzsoo fic if there weren't a few yungi elements in it 😭 IM NOT COMPLAINING THO, I love myself some yungi content

“You won’t tell me what to do, I’m not going to be in a team with you. Yet better, get out of my fucking way when that canon goes off because you will be the first person I’ll kill, Yunho.”

Damn... and to think they were smooching a few days ago-

I can't take it, I CANT WITNESS MY BABIES ARGUING UGH- 😭😭 SHE OBVIOUSLY REGRETS SAYING IT, BUT YUNHO ISNT MAKING IT BETTER BY FOLLOWING HER EITHER

“I know that, but no matter how hard I think about it, I just—” He gulped, averting his eyes, “I don’t know. I don’t know what I did wrong and I can’t—I just can’t have you pushing me away when we are so close, please, Y/N. I care for you just as much as I care for Mingi, we can’t separate in the Arena.”

Okay, maybe I do feel bad for yunho after all, the dejection 🤧 I feel so bad for them AND ITS ALL SNOWS FAULT, EVERYTHING IS HIS FAUTL GOD I HATE THAT MANFMANELK

I thought mingi was going to die for a moment and was ready TO LOG THE FAWK OUT, DONT SCARE ME LIKE THAT WOMAN!?!?! It makes it worse knowing he literally HAS SOMEONE WAITING FOR HIM AT HOME 🤧

Miscommunication is my favorite trope, so yunho being in on the whole "tricking the capitol" plan while the MC didn't know and thought he was planning to kill her WHILE HE WAS DOING THE OPPOSITE IS LIKE RUBBING SALT IN A WOUND- and although the MC is being a lil silly, I can't help but take her side on this whole thing. I mean did they think she was going to trust people that easily BY KEEPING HER IN THE DARK???? Lawd-

NAH FAM THEY BROUGHT OUT HOLOGRAMS OF HER DEAD FAMILY?? ?THATS EVIL OMG. AND AS IF THAT WASNT ENOUGH THEY ARE TRYING TO KILL HER???😭

“It’s not real.” The man holding me down whispered, his voice shaky as he gulped, “They weren’t real, Y/N. But I am real, I’m here now.”

Idk if you've watched Young Royals, but its giving this one scene where drunk Wilhelm confesses his love to Simon ❤️‍🩹

“He doesn’t know me, not the real me, at least. He only wants the good and pretty, he only sees those qualities in people. Once the perfect image is shattered, he’ll be gone, he’ll abandon me. I don’t want him to lodge himself into my heart when I know just how quickly you can lose someone.”

DUDE YOUVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME HE LITERALLY SAW YOU TRASH A TV, TRY TO KILL HIM WITH PORCELAIN DOLLS AND THEN MADE OUT WITH YOU???? ARE YOU FOR REAL

“What’s your problem with me?” I did not expect that question, and neither what he said next, “What’s so fucking horrible about me that you go willingly into the arms of the biggest playboy known to Panem, that you find solace and trust in that man when I’ve always been by your side, there for you, offering you a shoulder to lean on, a man you can trust and—and love. What does Finnick have that I don’t, Y/N?! Why do you continuously brush me off and treat me like shit, but then you laugh at anything Finnick says and you look at him with so much adoration, I-I just don’t understand, Y/N. I was there, I was always there, I helped you when you saw no outcome, I was there when you grieved your family, I was there when you struggled with the consequences of winning the Games, I was there even when you continued to push me away! I never stopped trying to make you feel safe, to comfort you and to—show you that it’s okay to open up and that you can love again without being scared of death. Why can’t you just—give back even just a little fraction of my affection?!”

Well damn :0

Yunho was intense in everything he did, he laughed with his whole body, and he loved with his whole heart, whenever he did something, he put his all into it and his kiss was no different. His lips were demanding as they moved against mine, a little bit frantic as we were pressed by time, and even more desperate when I let my lips part for him, a silent request for him to deepen the kiss. I wanted him to know that I desired him, that it was completely fine to touch me and enjoy our actions. Yunho whimpered as he took my bottom lip between his teeth, and I felt warmth crawl all over my body, settling in my cheeks as my whole face felt like it was burning up. I had never enjoyed a kiss before in my life, but I prayed this would never end.

YOU CANT FIND THIS TALENT IN POETRY BOOKS DEEP INSIDE LONG LOST LIBRARIES ALRIGHT LADIES AND GENTS???? I PRESENT TO YOU ARI, ONE OF THE BEST WRITERS OUT THERE OH MY-

“When we’re out of here,” Yunho gulped, determined as his eyes melted into mine, “I’m going to marry you.” “ Just don’t let me go,” I whispered as Yunho very reluctantly released me, our hands finding each other as our fingers intertwined, a motion I was used to but found something new in it now. It wasn’t just for show, it wasn’t just to show me that I had someone next to me, it was to seal our promise and tell me that Yunho wasn’t going anywhere.

A bitch is sobbing becuase they are giving finnick and Annie (minus all the dying y'know.'

The next time I was conscious again, however, what I heard despite the unbearable headache and the dull ache of my spine, didn’t sound at all good, nor reassuring, “Katniss, there is no District Twelve.” And all I could think about was, where is Yunho?

AND YOU CALL ME EVIL JJOONGRAMI, MATTER OF FACT YOURE EVIL BECUASE WHAT THE FAWK WAS THAT???? I LITERALLY SHOT MYSELF IN THE FOOT SAYING MINUS ALL THE DYING. MC LITERALLY ASKED HIM NOT TO LET HER GO AND HE FUCKING DISAPPEARS EWRFJEWKENFK. YUNHO BETTER NOT BE DEAD OMG-

...I literally had to take a few minutes to collect myself... also I had to write about something else not to think about a potential dead yunho 😭🤧

ANYWAYS can we take a moment to appreciate your writing??? Miss Ari, you're making me FEEL their emotions, their pain, their longing and mourning even though no one is really dead. It's amazing, it's talent, you're a star my friend. Most of all, I love that Yunho despite everything is still taking care of the MC. He looks out for her both in and outside the arena, and knows that her hatred is just an act to protect them all from Snow

Thousand Miles, just to get you back

 𖥧 District 7 ꒷ this beautiful district is lush with trees, from which these citizens supply our lumber and paper, victors: Blight, Johanna Mason

Author: bvidzsoo

Pairing: victor!Jeong Yunho x victor!female reader

 𖥧 Warning: suggestive, sexual tension, cursing, ptsd, violence, blood, gore, use of weapons, murder, decapitation but not too graphic, mental manipulation and trauma, alluding to forced sex work and sexual assault, if I missed any, lmk!  𖥧 Word count: 28.7k  𖥧 Rating: mature, nc-17  𖥧 Genre: Hunger Games!au, rivals to lovers!au, set during the Quarter Quell, Catching Fire book  𖥧 Summary: You didn't want this, but then again, you were sure nobody wanted to face the repercussions of being a victor. You hated your life and you hated everyone around you, never trusting a soul again. Whatever President Snow has put you through after your Games was unforgivable and your only solace lay in Finnick Odair, who understood you and your pain. But it didn't end there, no, it never would with Jeong Yunho, another victor, always breathing down your neck and hogging you as if his life depended on it. You didn't like him and you didn't trust him after what he'd done to you despite being your mentor in your Games. And when the 75th Hunger Games come around and President Snow announces that the tributes this year will be the reaped victors, your world comes crashing down, forcing you to do things you never thought you'd do again. But if it meant Panem would be free, you'd do it again.

A/N: Hello, my lovelies! This part took longer but the word count is also...higher. The story is set during the Catching Fire book, but of course, I took creative liberty and changed up some things, I hope you'll enjoy them! I apologize if the action packed scenes are lackluster, I really tried my best while not making it too graphic. I think Yunho's part is my favourite from my HG series, although Mingi's has a special place in my heart. President Snow can die in a ditch for what he did to Katniss and Peeta, no matter how much I like his character, I'll always hate him! This part is really angsty imo so buckle up, you'll be going through it with our MC. I don't think I have anything else to say other than I hope you enjoy and that I love hearing your feedback, so don't be shy! <3 Thank you for reading! divider

            For the past two days, the sky had been covered in dark rainclouds, lightning flashing across the sky every few minutes, the thunder shaking the earth as I stood perched on the windowsill with a cup of warm chamomile tea with plenty of honey in it to make anyone nauseous, even those who enjoyed sweet things. My eyes followed the raindrops as they rapidly slid down against the window, forehead pressing against the cool surface as I could see the reflection of my eyes in it. The house was quiet, so quiet that those who didn’t know would’ve thought the mansion was vacant. Because the victors' houses could easily pass as mansions, bigger than even the mayor's house, it was quiet and cold inside too, the harsh rain welcomed as it cooled the relentless summer heat with which everyone seemed to be struggling. It was truly a blessing to be forced to stay inside my house, with no one to bother me for days on end as nobody from the district was brave enough to venture out in such a harsh downpour. Not that I had anyone in the district who cared for me, I was on my own.

Everyone I once loved was gone. It was solely my fault. I had naively refused President Snow’s little bargain when I looked him in the eyes with an arrogant look and told him to ‘get fucked’. My family, gone for almost five years now, were dead before the train could even take me back to District 7 from the Capitol. Our house, small but spacious enough to house my parents, my two siblings and me, was empty when the train had dropped me off. At first, when no one from my family awaited me on the platform, I had a feeling they might’ve been planning a surprise for me, I wouldn’t put it past them. But when I returned to an empty and cold house with a single note lying on the kitchen table, I knew. It was my fault that all of my loved ones were six feet under, their lives taken away by my foolishness. I would never stop blaming myself, I didn’t want to stop blaming myself. The constant numbness that was wrapped around my heart was a harsh wake-up call to the horrors of the world I was forced to live in.

The Hunger Games had seemed like a nightmare, they were a nightmare, but what came after was the real nightmare. The terror, the pain, the uncertainty and the coldness that followed after having returned home, forced me to face the reality that I was no more than a pawn President Snow could play with however he wished, it hurt. I had been an independent person my whole life. I didn’t need anyone and I knew I would survive on my own if the circumstances forced me to, hence the reason I remained confident that I would return alive from the Games, and the arrogance to put my ego aside and keep my family safe, at last, weren’t worth it. If sleeping with countless men was what would’ve kept my family alive, if only I had known this back when Snow proposed it to me, I would’ve accepted it. I would’ve ignored the disgust I felt and done it without trying to rebel against the only man who could cut off my wings. And he did, he did cut off my wings, right from the root, ripping them out without mercy. At last, my family’s death was in vain. They were gone and I still bedded a different man each night spent at the Capitol, each one of them sent by Snow as a constant punishment to remind me that just because my loved ones weren’t here anymore to be held over my head, he could still do it, Snow could still torture me.

And so, turning my back on everyone and living in solace had been completely my choice. I didn’t want to speak to anyone, I didn’t want to see anyone, I didn’t want to be touched by anyone. I was disgusted by my own body and could never look at myself for too long. Whether my hair was long or as short as a boy's, men would still want me. Whether I ruined my face with makeup or kept it neat, they would still ravish me. In the end, nothing I did mattered. Beauty was pain sometimes, but I was too scared to maim myself, to ruin the pretty face every man in the Capitol lusted after. Snow knew too that I couldn’t do, and he enjoyed my silent pain mixed with rage, grinning at me whenever we crossed paths, taunting me with words against which I couldn’t fight back. It would be a never-ending cycle until my last day on earth and I had accepted it, numbing myself to all emotion to the point that I was just a soulless walking body, uncaring, unfeeling.

My body jolted from its slouched-over form as rapid knocks disturbed my peace, becoming louder and louder the longer I ignored them. The rain was pouring harder, lightning more frequent across the sky as thunder shook the ground, making me flinch when instead of knocking, my doorbell was being rung relentlessly. I knew who it was, I knew because today was a big day. President Snow would make his annual announcement about the Hunger Games, the same old speech, the same old rules. But something felt different, ever since Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark became victors, there were whispers in the districts, feeble words of a different future which felt closer and closer to us. Something was changing and I, as usual, wasn’t included in the grand scheme. I was a mere spectator, twirling around Snow’s fingers however he wished me to. When the doorbell’s rings turned into aggressive bangs against the front door, I released an irritated sigh and stood from my spot, storming towards the one that dared disturb my solace.

“What!” I snapped as I yanked the door open, not surprised that I had forgotten to lock it once again. Of course it was him, it was always him. I hated his face, I hated his voice, I hated his presence. I hated his whole being, and so I didn’t wait for an answer as I went to slam the door in his face, but he was fast, arm already pushing against the door as if he could read my mind.

“The muffins will get soaked, just let me in.” His boyish voice was loud as he spoke over the raging storm, his voice deep but somehow still soft. It was annoying, the ease he carried himself with, the constant serene expression on his face was infuriating. He never looked like he struggled and I was sure he just simply didn’t. He just floated through life, taking whatever it threw his way, just to laugh it off at the end of the day and start over the next one. I hated him.

“Get lost.” I hissed and pressed my full body against the door, wrestling against the desperate man on the other side of the door.

“Are you for real right now?!” He exclaimed, voice incredulous as I let one eye peek over the edge of the door, taking in his form. His hair was damp and his cardigan was slightly soaked by the rain, but as long as he stood in front of my door, he’d be protected by the balcony above his head.

“Yes!” I exclaimed and suddenly yanked the door towards myself, hoping it would throw him off balance and I could shut it in his face, but he was smarter, and thus, he swiftly slipped inside, grinning at me victoriously. I scowled as I slammed the door closed behind him, pressing myself up against the sturdy wood as he uncaringly shook his hair, like a dog, and then stepped out of his shoes.

“I made blueberry muffins,” He beamed as he held up the tray covered by a napkin, which was halfway soaked through, “Your favourite!”

He was right, blueberry muffins were my favourite, but they were from him and I’d rather not eat them.

“I don’t want them.” But by the time I was finished talking, he was headed for the kitchen as if this were his house. Albeit, the layout for the victor houses was the same, but this wasn’t his house and he shouldn’t just walk around as if he owned it. I hated it when he disregarded me, remaining his authentic self of a joy ball, pretending like he didn’t see my sharp glare nor hear my muttered insults. And I hated him, eyes glued onto his tall body as I followed after him to the kitchen. He was tall enough that he could see well the contents of the cupboards on the top shelves as he opened them, looking for a smaller plate. I could’ve told him where they were, but I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to talk to him unless it was a complete must. He made a sound when he finally found the right cabinet, back muscles straining even through the cardigan he wore as he moved around my kitchen as he belonged in it. His build was massive, not too muscular but certainly not as lean as it used to be, and he towered over most men of our district. People were tall here, we had to climb trees, yielding an axe as we worked with lumber, but Jeong Yunho seemed to exceed what was the norm. And despite his intimidating build, his face was gentle and soft, eyes twinkling with life in them and pink lips pulled constantly into a radiant smile. His cheeks were almost always rosy, not because he blushed easily, but because he was fair-skinned and even the smallest bruise would be visible on his body.

“But I baked them for you—”

“That’s exactly why I don’t want them.”

Yunho and I had been a mentor pair for a good five years now, sent off to the Capitol during the Hunger Games, forced to watch two children die each year. Children that we knew, that we swore to train and protect as best as we could, children that ultimately were just children and would die at the hands of bigger and stronger children. Because that’s what the Games were, a sick and twisted way of punishing the districts for daring to disobey the Capitol, for trying to overthrow it due to the mistreatment they constantly faced. So, they took children between the ages of thirteen and eighteen and sent them off to their deaths each year, except for the ones like Yunho and myself, who returned as victors. Yunho was barely two years older than me but the passing of time seemed to miss him each year as his face remained youthful, and only morphed into more handsome features, unlike myself, who struggled with bags under my eyes on the daily and did everything to look less pale but ultimately, I failed, looking older than my age or Yunho. It was unfair, even in this, he was better than me.

Yunho paused as his eyes met mine and he gulped, a flicker of uncertainty flashing through his features, only to be replaced by that annoying soft smile which was always present on his face, “My mother would be really disappointed if you refused them, Y/N. She helped too.”

His mother, Yunho’s family, were still alive. His older brother worked hard despite them being rich now due to Yunho’s income as a victor, and his father had retired to pursue a much simpler career. He liked fixing cars, so, now those used by the woodsmen were all brought to Mr. Jeong for fixing or maintenance. Occasionally, I even saw Peacemakers stop by, keen on keeping it hushed that they asked a simple mechanic from the district to fix their vehicles. It was cheaper this way, Mr. Jeong didn’t charge much, it was just a hobby, after all.

“Fine,” I huffed, crossing my arms over my chest as Yunho’s smile widened into a pleased grin, “Just leave them on the counter.”

He nodded and placed the blueberry muffins on the small plate before he threw the crumbs into the trash, rinsing the tray at the sink. I remained standing, keeping the table and even counter between us, never keen on standing close to Yunho. His scent was too strong, it irked my nose, and it made me sneeze too easily. Perhaps I was allergic to his cologne—to his whole being, perhaps. Once he was done, the tray left by the sink to dry, his eyes slowly shifted, landing on my tense face. I wasn’t happy to have him over, he knew it. Yunho knew I didn’t like him, yet he never stopped imposing on my peace of mind—it was truly disgruntling.

“You weren’t going to watch it, right?” His voice was quiet. Unfortunately, Yunho also knew me too well, much to my displeasure. I stopped watching the announcements three years ago, tired of hearing the same thing over and over again. I didn’t answer as I averted my eyes, jaw clenching at the warm ambers that swum in Yunho’s eyes that had the colour of warm chocolate, “I—I think you should, this year. I’ll stay, it starts in five minutes—”

“I don’t want you to stay.” I said, voice cold as my eyebrows furrowed, looking back at Yunho, “And I won’t watch it, Yunho.”

He gulped, but suddenly his happy demeanour dropped as he placed his hands on the counter, “You know the districts had been stirred with Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark’s win, I think we should watch it this year, together.”

“Just go, Yunho, before the nightfall.” Due to the big storms, electricity would be cut off at twilight and people weren’t allowed to leave their homes. The forest was eerily quiet, with the absence of the lumberjacks, the wolves became too brave, too daring, and they would venture past the District’s boundaries and inside the town, devouring whoever they came across. The Victor’s Village of District 7 was right by the forest, it wasn’t smart to go outside at night. But, in all true Yunho fashion, he shook his head with pursed lips.

“Snow’s speech barely lasts three minutes, maybe he’ll make it five now that he’s mad at Katniss Everdeen.” Then he grabbed a muffin and grinned, “I’ll have one if you don’t mind.”

My jaw clenched when he turned on his heels and headed for the living room, the anthem loudly flooding my otherwise quiet house as I heard the sofa creak, Yunho’s big body settling on it. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, telling myself that he would be gone before I could blink. Even if the wolves ate him, I wouldn’t let him stay the night, not tonight, not ever. Jeong Yunho wasn’t someone I could trust, his faux kindness and softness were all but a mask which hid his true intentions. I had seen beyond the cracks of his good manners and big heart, and I knew he wasn’t all that different from those from the Capitol. All those years ago, almost six now, he had been my mentor, the only person who was supposed to help me and protect me from the outside as much as he could while I fought for my life in the Games, instead, Jeong Yunho, everyone’s favourite golden boy, went ahead and turned on me.

My legs carried me over to the living room before I could register what I was doing, body tense despite knowing the same old shenanigans would happen this year too. Except that this year a Quarter Quell was happening, this year it was the 75th year of the Hunger Games, and that meant something unusual would happen. It was the third Quarter Quell and the last I’d heard of was horrible, the number of tributes had been doubled, meaning forty-eight children fought for survival and it was Haymitch Abernathy who became the victor, the now drunkard mentor from District 12. Katniss Everdeen was a smart girl, I watched her closely while she fought in that arena, but Haymitch also did his best when he realized the potential she had. Something Yunho never bothered doing for me while he was my mentor, it still left a bitter aftertaste in my mouth. Caesar Flickerman went on about the wedding of Katniss and Peeta before he announced that President Snow would take the lead now.

The sofa creaked under my weight too as I settled as far away from Yunho as possible, his chewing quiet as he cast me a quick glance, a small smile playing at his lips. I ignored him, my body shivering when President Snow’s face was the only thing I could see on the TV. Even after all these years, he still made me feel repulsed whenever I saw him, muscles tensing and my body wanting to coil up in a ball as if that could protect me from his cruelty.

“And now we honour our third Quarter Quell,” President Snow’s tone was determined, confident, and almost coy as a boy stepped forward, holding a box which President Snow opened. He reached inside it, moving envelopes around until his fingers gripped the one with a clear 75 on it. I gulped, feeling irrationally nervous all of a sudden as if I would be reaped next, as if I was back in time standing in the crowd of girls, awaiting the name of the female tribute who’d have to head to the Capitol this year. Yunho could never sit still for too long, always fidgeting or fussing around, but now, even his body was frozen, eyebrows furrowed as I stole a glance at him. He had finished eating the muffin and the little foil it had been in was now crumpled into his fist, “On the seventy-fifth anniversary, as a reminder to the rebels that even the strongest among them cannot overcome the power of the Capitol, the male and female tributes will be reaped from their existing pool of victors.”

The lights of the TV became a blur as I remained seated, staring ahead, ears ringing as President Snow’s words echoed in my mind. For a split second, the world stopped turning, my lungs failed to inhale the much-needed oxygen. And for another split second, I felt my body tremble, my mouth falling open as Caesar Flickerman’s shrieks of surprise and excitement echoed through the eerily silent house, Yunho’s body unmoving on the other end of the sofa. I couldn’t hear his otherwise loud breaths, I couldn’t even feel my own body. And when reality dawned more upon me, the very high chance that I was going back inside that wrenched Arena almost six years later, nothing else really mattered. The TV went silent with a sickeningly loud crack as the remote control flew into it, shattering it into pieces. My lungs were heaving for air as I sprung up from the sofa, a scream tearing through my throat as I stared at my reflection in the broken TV. I looked mad, my eyes were wide, my cheeks red, my body visibly shaking as my thoughts were clouded with suppressed memories, all the pain, suffering, mourning, the great feeling of loss of sanity, of control over myself.

I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t go back inside that Arena.

And before I could rationalize my thoughts, control my urges and blink away the red haze that’s settled over my vision, my fingers were gripping a heavy ornament from the side table, swinging it across the room as it crashed loudly against the display window of the massive cupboard on the other side of the room. It felt satisfying to hear something break, something of material that reflected my inner world perfectly, and made the fall less painful as my legs carried me over the bookcase, yanking off every book I could grab. My body wanted to destroy, desperate to release all the turmoil that clouded my senses, the trauma that bit and licked at my flesh almost mockingly, President Snow’s snake-like eyes burned in the back of my mind, always taunting, always elated as he watched others suffer.

My hand burned when I touched the sharp edge of the vase I had broken solely with my grip, but I couldn’t stop. The pain I felt muted the screams that threatened to tear past my throat, the tears that stung my eyes but never rolled down, and the hollowness inside my chest that only seemed to grow bigger, swallowing more and more of my being. I had no one to lose anymore, just myself. But I hadn’t been myself since I had won the Games, so was I really losing someone? I had no one to return to even if I won, President Snow has made sure of that a long time ago. There weren’t many victors in District 7, not that I was on good terms with anyone. I’d either return without the male tribute or neither one of us would. My lungs burned as I gripped another ornament off the bookshelf, less heavy but very breakable as I raised my arm high, freezing at the nimble call of my name.

My chest was rising and falling rapidly as if I had run a marathon, muscles tensing more when I remembered I wasn’t alone. No, someone was here with me, in the living room, someone who knew what it meant to go back into the Arena, someone whose cheeks were tear-streaked. I gulped, eyebrows furrowing as I looked at Yunho, fingers curling tighter around the porcelain doll. It had been my younger sister’s, was I truly going to break it?

“Y/N.” Yunho’s tone was low, harsh, and shaking. I gulped, my breaths ragged as they puffed through my nose loudly, and my jaw clenched when Yunho’s face contorted in pain, reflecting what I felt on the inside. But he couldn’t stop me, my bones shook with rage and fear and before I could think more about it, I threw the porcelain doll at Yunho, who easily caught it as if he had been anticipating it. It only angered me more as I grabbed another one, my younger sister used to have a collection, and flung it at Yunho again.

“Get out!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, throwing a third porcelain doll he caught again easily, my voice raw as I wanted to sob, but my throat felt tight, unable to release any shrill sounds. When Yunho failed to move from his spot, I screamed again and pushed everything off the coffee table with one strong shove, ready to flip the heavy table over.

“Stop, Y/N, just stop.” Yunho’s voice had lost its softness, it sounded panicked and pained at the same time, begging me as I refused to acknowledge him. No, he couldn’t stop me, nobody could. I wasn’t going back there, I wasn’t going to fight for my life again, he couldn’t make me—President Snow couldn’t send me back there, not again. Not after I lost everything in vain, I didn’t want to do it again, I didn’t want to relive the terror, the struggle, and I didn’t want to feel so alone when I returned, I was scared of facing the dark on my own again. I had barely learned how to cope with the night terrors on my own, with the numbness that chilled my limbs, with the desperate yearning for connections, for a gentle touch, for words that warmed my heart, I barely learned how to live without those. I couldn’t do it again, I couldn’t—I gasped when I felt strong arms wrap around my torso, immobilising my hands and body as the embrace was tight, “No! Let me go, Yunho, no!”

I pushed, I yanked, I even bit his shoulder until he was groaning, but he didn’t budge. He was sniffing, loudly and unashamedly, but his embrace only became stronger and tighter, more and more suffocating. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think straight as his musky scent entered my nostrils, wrapping around me like a cocoon, his big body like a shield from the cruel world. My skin burned where he touched, and my limbs trembled as I tried to put space between our bodies again, but Yunho wasn’t letting go anytime soon.

“I’m here,” He muttered and I felt him raise his arm, freeing my left side, as his hand held the back of my head, pressing my face further into his neck. His skin was hot, but it was soft and it’s been too long since I came in contact with any other person, it made my knees weak as my mouth parted to hurl more insults at him, but I wasn’t able to voice them, “I’m here, Y/N, we’re in this together. I won’t let anything happen to you, we’ll get through this. Together. Like we always do.”

“No, no, no.” I muttered as my fingers twisted into his knitted cardigan, my heart racing in my chest painfully, “Leave, Yunho, just go.”

“I’m not going anywhere.” He snapped, but his arms weren’t holding me so tightly anymore. His long fingers felt cold against my scalp as they tangled against my long locks, slowly running them through my ginger hair, resting his chin against the top of my head. I loathed this, the warmth of his body, the willingness to offer me comfort, I hated him.

“I hate you, get away from me.” Yet despite my mouth speaking one thing, my body screamed another as my arms swiftly circled his torso, yanking Yunho’s body into mine. I wasn’t fighting my lungs for air anymore, I was able to breathe regularly once again, but everything felt so cold still, so numb. It wasn’t enough, Yunho’s big body pressing against mine so firmly, so eagerly as a reminder that he was here wasn’t enough anymore, and I felt weak when a whimper left my mouth, my head turning until I could hide it in the crook of his neck, nose pressing where his shoulder and neck met. His cologne was familiar, it was something I knew too well, it helped my mind relax as I felt Yunho shift his head away, warm lips pressing against the top of my head once, then twice, and then once again. His other hand dropped lower until his large palm pressed against the small of my back, and I shuddered when I felt his cold fingers slip underneath my blouse, skin on skin.

It was hard to think straight when Yunho was all over me, when his fingers explored and his mouth quivered with quiet sighs, his presence overbearing and insistent. It chased away the ever-present cold that settled into my bones, replacing it with a small flicker of something that made me hate myself. I couldn’t trust him, not after he so unashamedly tried to kill me, yet he was the only one who knew me. Yunho was the only person in this whole world who saw the real me, who saw past my coldness and walls I built to protect myself, he was the only one willing to stick around despite how off-putting I was. And it hurt, it burned, it consumed my thoughts in the dead of the night when a night terror awoke me, when all I could do was yearn for a body to hold, for soft words to be whispered into my ears, for lips that healed instead of ruined, for a touch that put me back together instead of breaking me further apart. And I wanted to take and take, to consume until nothing was left of him, until he couldn’t offer me anything more of himself because I had already taken all.

I felt tears streaming down my face when Yunho’s fingers gently traced my spine, driving my fingers to grip his cardigan harder, muscles cramping, but too afraid to let go. His hot breath fanned over my cheek as he lowered his head and I felt his insistent chocolate brown eyes on me, neither full of pity or regret, just understanding and yearning. Much without thinking, but because I didn’t want him to see me at my weakest, I turned my head further into his neck until my lips brushed against his flushed skin, making him shudder. And because my lips yearned just as much as the rest of my body, I let them explore his soft skin, gently pressing them against Yunho’s neck as he gasped quietly. His fingers tangled into my hair when I raised my head slightly, placing another kiss higher on his neck, and he was still gentle, he didn’t yank on the long strands despite being able to. My breath fanned against his hot skin as I let my mouth open, peppering his skin with gentle kisses until I reached his jaw, teeth nipping at the sharp bone. Yunho’s body was trembling and his head was angled lower, his breaths audible as he breathed through his nose.

The familiarity of his embrace was dizzying, the churning of my stomach nothing new as I detached myself from his warm soft skin, pulling my head back until I could stare into his eyes. They were darker, pupils bigger, and his lips looked slightly swollen like he had been biting the bottom one. Yunho’s full cheeks were flushed and his Adam’s Apple bobbed when he gulped, his eyes searching my face as his fingers untangled from my hair and instead gently traced my jaw, holding onto my chin as he tilted my head further up. My eyes fluttered for a second when our lips were angled perfectly against each other, Yunho’s breath fanning over my mouth making me shudder. Releasing my tight hold on his cardigan, I cupped his cheeks, almost keening as I pressed up on my tiptoes, my eyebrows furrowing as our noses pressed together, slowly nuzzling against each other. Yunho gulped again as his lips parted for his tongue to poke out, wetting the red flesh, and I blinked, dread settling deep in my stomach.

When Yunho leaned forward, pressing a slow kiss against my forehead, my body froze, my heart suddenly hammering against my ribcage. Something was wrong, the numbness was back, the pain, the terror. I couldn’t breathe anymore, Yunho’s musky cologne irking my nose as I could feel an oncoming sneeze, and I gasped when his lips tenderly kissed down the slope of my nose, making my fingers dig into his cheeks painfully. I was scared, I was scared because all of a sudden I realized I had something to lose. I have always had something to lose, even when President Snow thought he had taken everything and everyone away from me, he forgot about one person.

He forgot about Jeong Yunho.

As if his touch burned, I pushed him away, watching as confusion and hurt flashed in Yunho’s eyes upon my rude rejection. I could feel myself trembling, Yunho’s addicting warmth disappearing with him, making me shake my head as I felt my bottom lip tremble, “Get out.”

My voice was hoarse and filled with pain, and Yunho’s eyebrows furrowed as thunder cracked loudly in the distance, making me jump. It had become darker outside, way too dark for anyone to step out, but Yunho’s house was the one opposite mine. The wolves couldn’t have him, even if they wanted to. With a lasting stare, his eyes searching my face for a hint of whatever he had seen just seconds ago, Yunho sighed deeply, hanging his head low.

“Try to rest, please.” He muttered before he turned on his heels, and marched out of the living room, the door slamming shut louder than any thunder that’s ever shaken the house's foundation. Coated in darkness and loneliness, nobody witness of the sobs that wracked my body, I crumbled to the floor, curling in on myself as tears blinded me, making my muscles hurt as I gasped for air.

Everyone would suffer again, innocent and rebels alike.

            The floodlights of the open-air stadium were blinding and the air was relatively warmer compared to the constant rainy mood back in District 7. There was a breeze in the air, a whisper of unease and death brushing against our ears as every tribute seemed tense, but tried to hide it with wide and pleased smiles. Neither one of us was happy to be back and we would try to do something to change it, not that President Snow cared. The cheers of the crowd were deafening as the two horses pulling our chariot neighed loudly, ruffling their manes. My left hand was clutching the railing tightly for balance and to root me into the present moment, my right hand clammy against another warm palm. Yunho’s fingers were long and bony, his palm big and calloused, and somehow always cold. My skin crawled when our fingers had intertwined, a flicker of yearning awakening in my chest, but I was quick to drown it in the permeating numbness. I couldn’t feel anything for anyone, not now—especially not now.

The crowd only seemed to roar louder, probably enjoying the show, when all victors joined hands with their respective tribute partners. To us, to the ones who would have to risk their lives again, it wasn’t just a show, it was a last attempt to show that we stood here, together, unwilling to become jesters for the Capitol. But they wouldn’t understand, they never did. The districts, however, could see us and they would understand that we were united even if President Snow tried to tear us apart. We wouldn’t give up, not today and not tomorrow, never again. His tyranny had run on for too long, and his fragile reign was now threatened by the presence of the Mockingjay. The whispers of a riot in the districts had only gotten louder, more persistent, not just simple rumour anymore. The Peacekeepers had been more on edge ever since the 74th Hunger Games, under close surveillance by their comrades at the Capitol.

The chariot was finally taking us back beneath the stadium, away from the eyes of the Capitol and the cameras. My heart was racing against my chest, my veins filled with adrenaline, but dread as well, as every tribute returned backstage, our chariots coming to slow stops as Avoxes came forward to tend to the horses. My grip had been so tight against the railing that my fingers ached when I finally let go, all too aware of Yunho’s firm grip on my hand. With my jaw clenched, I turned my head to look at him, surprised to find him with an impassive expression on his face, lips downturned, and his eyes shaking. Yunho was always smiling, no matter the circumstances. I gulped and flexed my fingers, trying to pry them away, but Yunho didn’t want to release his own grip yet. It made me huff as I turned my body to face him, feeling anger lick at my skin.

“Let go.” I hissed lowly, mindful of the people around us who could overhear us. Nobody could know that I’d rather gut Yunho than be on his side, to everyone around us, we seemed like the perfect mentor pair, him being a sunshine and me the broody one. Nobody knew that behind cameras I would ignore Yunho’s existence, turn down his attempts at a conversation, and lock myself in my room whenever he’d come looking for me with another far-fetched excuse just to speak to me.

When he still hadn’t made a move, fed up, I yanked my hand out of his and leaned close enough for my breath to hit his cheek, my eyebrows deeply furrowed, “Get your shit together, Yunho. And stay away, everything is for show. I hope you haven’t forgotten—”

“How could I?” His chuckle was sarcastic, jaw clenched when he faced me, and for a second I froze, my eyes widening. It wasn’t even the sudden proximity that threw me off, it was the animosity on his face and the small snare on his lips, “You remind me each year of the same old things, you sound like President Snow at times.”

Appalled that he’d compare me to that man, I huffed and gripped the skirt of my dress, lifting it above my ankles as I stepped off the chariot, storming off. I was headed for the elevator so that I could return to our flat, and in my angry strut, I failed to notice a familiar face race after me. My heels were loud as I walked with purpose, glaring at anyone who blocked my path, and I didn’t greet back anyone as I knew they’d want to speak to me. I wasn’t here to mingle, I was here because Snow forced us to play another one of his games, and I was here to win. Before I could be-line it for the open elevator doors, fingers wrapped around my bicep and halted me, making me release a frustrated sigh as I whirled around intending to tell the person off, only for the words to freeze in my throat. The man holding me back wasn’t just anyone, it was Finnick Odair. And for the first time in a while, I felt my body fill with joy as my face relaxed, lips spreading into a wide smile, “Finnick!”

He chuckled as my arms flew around his neck, pulling his body into mine with little care if it was too aggressive or not, Finnick could take it. His torso was exposed due to his stylist’s poor taste, but it didn’t bother me as Finnick was warm and smelled of the sea and somehow the rain too. He felt like family, in his arms I knew I was safe, no matter what. It was funny, really, how easy it was to trust him, to let my walls down around him and just feel everything. I didn’t have to hide my fears when it came to Finnick, I didn’t have to hide my pain and struggles, because he knew. Finnick knew everything and he was often there to pick up the pieces when nobody else was. He understood and he knew what I needed because he needed the same thing. When in the Capitol, forced to be Snow’s muppets, Finnick was my pillar and I was his, the glimmer of light in the darkness, the embrace of a warm body that demanded nothing in exchange, just simple companionship and a shoulder to cry on.

“I thought I’d get a punch for touching you,” Finnick’s honey-like voice was teasing as he hugged me back just as affectionately, “I’m glad I was spared of a right hook, I’d look horrible for our interviews.”

I chuckled, mouth hurting from smiling so widely, “Even with a black, you’d still look dashing, Finnick.”

“Oh, my,” Finnick chuckled again, his arms loosening around my torso, but I was reluctant to let go. It felt nice to be in the arms of someone I trusted, loved even. It’s been too long since my mind could be at ease in anyone’s presence, in someone’s warm and loving hold. Finnick was like the older brother I had lost, always eager to help me out, and there whenever the burden of living alone got too hard. Living in different districts, the distance made it hard to cope with his absence at times, but at least I had one thing to look forward to whenever I was forced to visit the Capitol. I knew Finnick would be here, and I knew he would be just as excited to see me, “I fear my stylist wants to keep me naked for the interviews.”

I grimaced as I definitely didn’t want the mental image of a naked Finnick in my head, and finally let my arms fall from his body, stepping back to leave distance between our bodies, but not too far back. I enjoyed Finnick’s warmth, it felt like I was around the sun, “You should switch him with someone who doesn’t view you as just a pretty piece of meat to put on display. Wooyoung would be more than happy to design your clothes, he’s literally in love with you. He never stops gushing about your looks and body proportions whenever he sees you, it’s gotten sickening actually.”

“Wooyoung is spoiled and Snow loves objectifying me, so he’d never allow it.” Snow loved objectifying Finnick and me too, but thankfully, no matter how spoiled, my stylist, Wooyoung was, he’d never make me wear anything revealing or uncomfortable. He enjoyed working with raw materials, more specifically with tree bark as he claimed it let him explore creative ideas. With the disappearance of Choi San last year, the most sought-after stylist in the Capitol, Jung Wooyoung was the next hot topic. He certainly enjoyed the limelight, glad that San was finally gone and he could have his spot. The two had always been rivals, trying to claim The Best Stylist title, at least based on Wooyoung’s claims. You couldn’t fully believe whatever he said, he loved to spice things up just for the fun of it and spread rumours like wildfire. He was worse than the grannies back in District 7.

“Snow can go and die in his sorry excuse of a mansion, Finnick, at this point, he can’t do shit to me.” I hissed through my teeth, sharp eyes surveying the place as it was buzzing with jittery tributes, stylists and Avoxes, everyone doing their own thing. Most tributes were mingling before they would retreat to their own flats, and I averted my eyes out of fear that he’d come over when I saw Wooyoung storming towards Yunho, probably, you never knew with his sudden mood changes.

“Careful,” Finnick muttered, lips pulled into a sly grin, “the walls have ears everywhere here, darling, we can’t give Snow free material to hang over our heads.”

“As if he can’t just do that without having an actual reason.” I rolled my eyes and Finnick hummed as he grabbed a sugar cube out of the little pouch he had on his waist, turning around as he searched for his and Mags’ chariot. He smiled when his eyes fell on the old lady, and he nodded with his head for me to follow him. I fell in step with him as Finnick and I walked back to his chariot, and he fed the horses with sugar cubes before he popped one in his mouth. I smiled softly when Mags finally noticed me, her face always gentle and understanding. I bowed my head and kissed her on the cheeks, a lump forming in my throat when she pulled me in her arms with a tight squeeze, reminding me of a motherly hug. Anytime I saw Mags, I’d miss my family just a little bit more. She was a reminder that I’d never get to see my mother grow old, my father, nor my siblings. It was painful, but I gulped before more emotions could surface and cleared my throat, looking back at Finnick who was gazing somewhere behind me.

“Lover boy and his bestie are staring at us,” Finnick mused with amusement lacing his tone, “I don’t think your lover boy is too happy that you’re here with me, instead of being with him.”

I scoffed, turning my head to look where Yunho and Mingi stood, catching their gazes as Mingi flinched and quickly looked down at the ground, but Yunho held my gaze, jaw clenched and eyes slightly narrowed. I rolled my eyes and turned my back to them, grabbing Finnick’s bicep as I leaned closer to him, “I wish we could switch tributes—no offence Mags, but I don’t think I’ll be able to not kill him before the Games can even start.”

Mags snickered and shook her head at me as her stylist approached us, giving the old lady an exasperated look before she guided Mags away, making Finnick wave at her as I bowed my head slightly, “He can’t be that bad, honestly, I never understood why you hate him so much. He’s a genuinely nice guy, I bet he’d even sacrifice himself for you—”

“Enough, Finnick.” I snapped as my jaw clenched, emotions twisting in my chest at the mere prospect of Yunho jumping in front of me to take an arrow or a throwing knife to the heart. Yunho might’ve been genuine and loving in other’s eyes, but I knew who he was. He wouldn’t save me, jump in front of an arrow or a throwing knife, no, he’d send me poison disguised as bread just to take me out, his own tribute.

“Right, sorry,” Finnick mumbled as he grabbed another sugar cube, eyes falling on someone to my left. His smile turned into a sly one as he nudged my arm, pointing towards a tall girl with dark braided hair and a gorgeous black costume. She was the girl on fire, the Mockingjay, Katniss Everdeen, “Wanna go say hi? We should show her we mean no harm before she decides we are her enemy.”

“But we are her enemy, Finnick,” I mumbled but followed the man, making him wink at me with a knowing look on his face. If we put it that way, Katniss wasn’t our only enemy, we were each other’s enemies too, it was only natural when it came to the Games. No previous friendships mattered once we stepped inside the Arena and the canon went off, signalling the start of the Games. I remained standing behind Finnick as Katniss’ attention was on us, her hand slowly petting the horse.

“Do you want a sugar cube?” Finnick asked with his honey-like voice even warmer now, grinning charmingly. Katniss’ eyes narrowed as they glanced briefly at me before she focused on Finnick again, jaw clenching. She completely ignored Finnick’s hand, which was extended towards her and held a sugar cube in his palm.

“No.” She deadpanned and I snorted, masking it with a gulp when Finnick threw me a displeased look. It was hilarious each time a female turned Finnick’s advances down, it didn’t happen often and that’s exactly why I enjoyed it even more.

“Well, girl on fire, you certainly dress to impress.”

“As always.” I couldn’t help but mutter as Katniss and Mingi’s clothes had caught on fire before the parade was over, the roars of the people were so loud that they managed to make my ears ring. Katniss and Finnick ignored my comment and I let my eyes study the girl’s face more, she was way too young to be here. I was an adult, most of us were, but she was sixteen, just a child.

“Thanks, your costume is…lacking.” Katniss grimaced before she quickly averted her eyes from Finnick’s exposed chest and I chuckled again, surprised to hear her addressing me as well, “But yours looks nice—raw, almost.”

“It’s because it is raw, it’s real tree bark,” I explained as I let my fingers trace the corset, sturdy and protective around my torso. I extended my hand towards her, showing her that I meant no harm, just yet, “My name’s Im Y/N.”

“I know,” Katniss muttered as she shook my hand, her grip strong but not lasting, “I’m Katniss Everdeen.”

I hummed and nudged Finnick to suggest that he should introduce himself too, but he just popped the sugar cube in his mouth and smirked at Katniss, who looked clearly uncomfortable, “And he’s Finnick Odair, don’t let his cocky attitude make you feel uncomfortable. He’s just half the jerk he seems to be.”

Finnick scoffed and gave me a sharp look which I ignored as I studied Katniss’ face more, watching her fight a small smile off her lips as her eyes hardened instead, stance determined as she pulled her shoulders back, “Well, it’s not like I’m here to make friends.”

“Not friends, but maybe having a few people on your side wouldn’t help, girl on fire, not everyone is fond of you.” Finnick’s voice dropped as he took a step towards her, making her tense up. My jaw clenched and I averted my eyes because I knew he was right, “We are here because of you and the little stunt you pulled last year, Katniss. Don’t lower your guard.”

“Thanks for the advice, Finnick, but I don’t need it.” Katniss snapped, turning around to take off towards her mentor who seemed to appear out of nowhere. Finnick was about to say something, but I gripped his arm to stop him, my eyes meeting Haymitch’s blue ones. His eyebrows were furrowed as he took both Finnick and me in, a gaze filled with questions flashing over his face before he nodded at us in acknowledgement.

“Well, let’s get Mingi and then we can go.”

“Please, I can’t stay a second longer here.”

I watched as Haymitch and Katniss walked around us, making Finnick grimace as I turned my head to watch them walk towards Yunho, who was unsurprisingly beaming as he was surrounded by a few other tributes as well. Mingi, despite being just as tall as him, was hunched forward and hiding behind Yunho, his head lowered and jaw clenched. Song Mingi had stopped doing well after his Games, always so fidgety and scared of the world around him. But Yunho seemed determined to befriend him and he has never left Mingi’s side ever since his Victor’s Party. I couldn’t help but scowl at the two men before Finnick sighed loudly, grabbing my hand to grab my attention.

“There’ll be a bloodbath this year, Y/N, and I’m not going down so easily.” Finnick’s tone lowered and his eyes shook with conviction, and a flicker of anger, “Keep your ears and eyes open, study those around you, and stay close to the Mockingjay, you’ll know who’s your friend and foe then.”

With his cryptic words, he leaned forward to press a kiss against my cheek before he excused himself and headed for the elevator, his face tired as I watched him hug his torso when the female tributes from Districts 1 and 2 went and approached him like some hyenas, eyes filled with lust as they gazed upon him. People from Districts 1 and 2 were just as bad as those from the Capitol and I hated all of them. Sick of being surrounded by so many people I disliked, I grabbed the skirt of my heavy dress and raised it above my ankles as I stormed off towards one of the many elevators, waiting for one to open its doors as I ignored the insisted stares and whispers from the other tributes. Nobody really liked me, and I intended to keep it that way.

At least fewer feelings would be involved when I’d have to kill them, it wasn’t anything personal, after all.

            The days seemed to blur together when I was at the Capitol, yet at the same time, it felt like no time had even passed at all. As a mentor, all I had to do was focus on guiding the child I was given, making them the strongest and smartest possible. I had to strategize with them and help them build up their confidence if they lacked it, and I had to build them a persona that was easily likeable and cherished by the Capitol. But for that to happen, it also required me to network, to become someone liked by the Capitol. If it wasn’t for Yunho, I was sure not many would’ve liked me. We balanced each other out, where he was too soft and forgiving, I was rigid and hardly able to let go of a grudge. Nobody would willingly become a person disliked by many, but I had long stopped caring about other’s expectations and thoughts. I lived for myself and I lived the way I wanted—as long as President Snow allowed me to, of course. Nothing was made out of sunshine and rainbows in Panem, and if you wanted to have something that was only yours, you’d have to work hard for it, and even then it wouldn’t be enough. It was sickening, really, when I realized that I was at a great disadvantage this year.

I wasn’t a mentor any more, I was a tribute, a person not many would root for. People in the Capitol had twisted and sick fantasies and enjoyed brutality, but if one’s character wasn’t likeable, they would turn a blind eye to their efforts to win them over with their skills. And this meant that there wouldn’t be many rooting for me or sending me gifts and the bare minimum of necessities. I had to play it smart, who I’d team up with, who I’d betray, who I’d trust and who I wouldn’t. I couldn’t let just anyone into my circle of allies, and thus, when people who had no idea what the Games were about tried to give me advice, it only naturally made my blood boil. My stylists, who otherwise were rather acceptable people despite being from the Capitol, had seemed to think they knew better who was good and wasn’t to have in your team. They thought just because they watched us through a screen each year they could give us advice. I have held my tongue the whole week, not wanting to create an even more tense environment. It was already enough that I fled the room whenever Yunho entered it and didn’t speak nor look at him even at the other’s futile attempts.

Tonight was no different as we sat at the big table filled with tasty food to the brim, loud chatter filling the vast dining room. Yunho was to my left, unfortunately, and his musky cologne seemed to be stronger tonight than any time else, making my nose itch as I fought another sneeze away. I raised my hand holding the fork and rubbed at my nose, trying to get rid of the constant itching, it was irritating. But what was even more irritating were Yunho’s futile attempts at grabbing my attention or trying to stir up a conversation with me, it wasn’t happening. We were headed inside the Arena in less than two days and I wasn’t about to frolic around with him. I managed to avoid him so far, I had to remain focused on my own strategy. I wasn’t dying in that Arena, if President Snow thought it would be smart to send victors back, I would make sure to give him a headache lasting for centuries. Did he want a parade? I would gladly create a scene for him.

“Ah, just look at it!” Momo exclaimed, her full attention on the TV’s screen as they were replaying images of yesterday night’s interviews. It didn’t go as planned, of course, it didn’t. Everyone was revolted for having to return inside the Arena, and in a last desperate attempt, we had tried to show our unity to the districts that even if Snow tried to turn us against each other, at the core, we fought together for a better tomorrow, for a better Panem. My lips twitched into a satisfied smirk when I watched ourselves on the screen holding hands, raising them high up in the air as Caesar Flickerman’s panicked voice cut through the microphone, and then the lights went out. Snow hated it, I knew he hated it, and the knowledge of that alone made my whole evening more enjoyable. That is, of course, until Momo’s big and gleaming eyes were focused back on us.

“You are so brave,” She said, lips quivering. Out of the team that worked with us to make us look good, Momo was the least likeable. She was the typical Capitol resident, entitled and sheltered, a bit dumb, and overall annoying, “I wouldn’t be able to stand there, you even held hands to share a last moment together. It’s beautiful.”

Wooyoung, always the little shit, snorted under his breath as he raised his fork and bit the meat off of it. Wooyoung wasn’t dumb, he was far from it, and he seemed to dislike most of the people surrounding him despite not being that different from them. He said nothing as Minghao hummed from across me, his features blank as always. He rarely spoke, but when he did, he’d either say something that would scar you for life or make you wish he never opened his mouth. He was merciless, with everyone.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” My voice was laced with sarcasm and Yunho stopped moving around for a second, I could feel his wide eyes on the side of my face. It was the first time I had spoken tonight, “Sending us to our imminent deaths? Yeah, there’s just something so romantic about it, don’t you think so?”

An uncomfortable silence fell over the table despite the amused smile on Minghao’s face, who took hold of his wine glass and tilted it in my direction as a silent toast. I wasn’t fond of him, unsurprisingly, but he seemed to be the only person besides Yunho and myself who was aware of all the horror the Capitol inflicted on the districts. He was quiet about it, but his mask sometimes slipped and I could see the hatred in his eyes, the rage boiling underneath his blood whenever Snow was shown on the screen, giving one of his lame speeches.

“Well,” Yeri, a person full of life and passion, tried to diffuse the palpable tension, “how did your evaluations go? What did you do? You never told us about it.”

“Yeah, you didn’t!” Wooyoung exclaimed with a full mouth, making Yeri grimace as she averted her eyes onto her plate. We didn’t have the time to tell them about it, not that I was in the mood to talk about how I had showcased my skills. I did it in a certainly memorable way, I was sure the Gamemakers weren’t satisfied with it, but I wasn’t here to please anyone. Yunho cleared his throat as he leaned forward to grab his cup of water, eyes falling on me briefly. I ignored him and took another bite of my dinner, the rich aromas never ceasing to amaze me. If there was just one good thing about the existence of the Capitol, it was their food.

As Yunho realized I wouldn’t speak up, he cleared his throat again and intertwined his fingers as he placed them on the table, “I did what I did all those years ago but made it more interesting, I suppose. I’m good with an axe, so…I wasn’t trying to impress anyone, really. That’s not my goal—”

“But, Yunho!” Momo’s exclamation cut Yunho off as her eyes grew wide, “You are supposed to impress them! What if they give you a bad score? That would be terrible.”

I snorted under my breath, rolling my eyes, “The Capitol giving a bad score to their golden boy? Yeah, sure, and I’m President Snow’s wife.”

“You’d kill yourself first before they’d even pronounce you as his wife.” Minghao’s reply came fast, cutting through the growing tension due to my blatant jar directed at Yunho. But, yes, Minghao was right. I’d rather kill myself than marry Snow, it was a stupid and absurd example, just like Momo’s stupid assumption.

“You’d be surprised to find out they aren’t as head over heels for me as you think, Y/N.” Yunho rarely snapped back, but as I glanced at him, I noticed his jaw clenching and unclenching. I couldn’t say that I was satisfied to see him triggered, but it certainly made me feel a little bit smug. Watching Yunho’s perfect mask crumble always satisfied me, it was proof of who he really was. It’s a pity not many were able to witness it.

“Maybe, but—” Wooyoung paused for no reason, just to be dramatic, as his twinkling eyes fell on me, “they certainly like you more than they like Y/N.”

“Say something new, Wooyoung.” I huffed and grabbed my own glass of orange juice, my stomach heavy from how much I had eaten. I had to enjoy full meals before going inside the Arena, I knew there I wouldn’t have the chance to eat much. I hated it.

“Since it seems like the cat finally returned your tongue, tell us about your evaluation.” Wooyoung grinned, lips ghosting over the edge of his wine glass. My jaw tensed as I leaned back in my chair, pushing the plate just slightly away from me as a way of letting everyone know I wasn’t eating anymore. The Avoxes lingering just around us noticed and quickly came closer, taking the plates and silverware away before they disappeared to the kitchen. I didn’t want to entertain those who sat at the table with me, but I knew I couldn’t just stand and go to my room, that would’ve been too rude, and I knew Minghao would very shamelessly drag me back. But just to prolong my moment of silence and peace of mind, knowing the reactions that would soon follow, I took a big gulp of the orange juice and made sure to savour it. Wooyoung scoffed as he rolled his eyes and Minghao, surprisingly, seemed rather interested as his eyebrows raised. Momo had her mouth hanging open as she sat on the edge of her chair and Yeri seemed nonchalant, but I knew she was just as curious as everyone else.

As for Yunho, his torso had turned to face me and his warm chocolate-like eyes were insistent, as if he was trying to penetrate my mind and read my every thought. Irritated, I held the glass in both hands and took a deep breath, “I destroyed the training room.”

The gasps that followed were satisfying, gratifying. I chuckled, staring at nothing in particular smugly, “I walked inside with my head held high, I introduced myself and then grabbed the tables first, pushing everything off of them just to flip them over. Then I went and turned everything I could over, hurling the weapons I could towards the Gamemakers, but sadly, there was a forcefield around them this time. And then, when I felt satisfied with my work, I told them to get fucked in the ass and left the room with a bright smile on my face.”

The mouths hanging open made me chuckle, which turned into quiet giggles as I stared down into my lap, feeling as if I had accomplished something big. This was the best way I could show defiance, and so I took the opportunity and rolled with it. I couldn’t have been prouder, but my joyful moment didn’t last for long when I felt a warm palm pressing against my left thigh. Before I could react, push the hand off or anything, long fingers grabbed onto my flesh through my pants and I gulped, my heartbeat spiking at the inappropriate touch. I whipped my head around, Yunho’s eyes boring into mine as his eyebrows were furrowed.

“You shouldn’t have done that.” His voice was deep, low, and scrutinizing. I scoffed but didn’t say anything as his grip only turned tighter, making goosebumps erupt under my sweater. Yunho didn’t look mad, but he didn’t look calm either, it was peculiar, I couldn’t read his expression.

“That’s…” Minghao took a deep breath, face suddenly lighting up in elation, “simply brilliant!”

“No, it isn’t.” Yunho snapped, his head turning around as he looked at Wooyoung, who looked concerned. It made my eyebrows furrow, but before I could speak up, Yeri beat me to it.

“You just put a target on your head, Y/N,” Her voice was hesitant as she glanced around the table, stare lingering on Wooyoung as if she was asking for permission to speak, “You know the President isn’t fond of you, you shouldn’t have angered him further. These Games, they—they are happening to take you down, the strongest, the ones who had proven they were strong enough to fight a battle lest it happens, you should play it smart, Y/N, not make a fool out of yourself.”

My eyebrows raised as I chuckled, unamused, leaning forward to look at Yeri better, “Really? I’m a fool now? You think I want to be here, again?! You think I want to go back inside that fucking Arena and kill those people? To relive all the repressed memories and emotions? Fuck off, Yeri, when all you’ve known is a lavished lifestyle without death constantly looming over your head.”

“Watch your language.” Wooyoung was rarely serious, but when his fox-like eyes narrowed and his lips twitched, he looked scary. He could be scary when he wanted to be, perhaps that is why he laughed so often and tried to always look mischievous, “Yeri is right, stop being so fucking proud that you can’t admit when you’ve just made a mistake. If your score is low the people won’t even bat an eyelash your way, considering there’s someone who likes you.”

“I don’t give a shit who likes me and who doesn’t, Wooyoung.” I scoffed, my thigh burning where Yunho’s fingers gripped it. It was becoming too hot in the dining room, Yunho’s strong cologne was making my head dizzy and I could feel my lungs tightening up. I didn’t want to stay here, I didn’t like being put on the spot, and I didn’t like it when people treated me for less than I was.

“Well, you should.” Wooyoung said, tone cold, “Because your life depends on your sponsors and your allies, you stupid girl.”

Before I could snap back at Wooyoung, Momo, who had been surprisingly quiet, chirped up, “Speaking of that, who are you taking as your allies? I was thinking Enobaria, from District 2, and—”

“Mingi.” Yunho’s tone was determined, eyes hardened as he looked at everyone sitting at the table, his gaze slipping onto mine, “I’m not leaving him alone, he’s coming with us.”

“With us?” I muttered under my breath and flinched when Yunho’s fingers felt like they were digging through my pants, “I’m with Finnick and Mags, I don’t care what you do and who you go off with.”

“You’re a team.” Minghao said, his lips pursed, “You two have to stick together, it’s what everyone else will do too, it’s only logical.”

“And if I don’t want to?” I fired rapidly, eyebrows raising.

“I just told you to stop being fucking arrogant, Y/N.” Wooyoung hissed, slamming his fist onto the table and making me flinch as my heart started thumping faster, “You’d be suicidal to not form a team with Yunho, he’s amongst the last ones the other tributes will go for. He’s strong and you know he’s got your back, you can’t go frolicking with Finnick and Mags, what if they turn on you?”

“They won’t,” I said through a clenched jaw and having had enough of Yunho’s touch, I gripped his wrist and ignored the looks we got. My nails dug into his skin painfully, but he wasn’t budging, it made my blood boil, “Finnick is like my brother, he won’t turn on me.”

“Mingi is like my brother too, I’m not leaving him alone—”

“So, are you saying you want us to team up with the Mockingjay?” I whipped my head around, eyes bleeding into Yunho’s, “You want to put a target on our heads right from the get-go? Everyone hates her guts, everyone will want to kill her first. I’m not teaming up with Mingi and Katniss, Yunho—”

“It wasn’t a question,” Yunho snapped, suddenly flipping his palm up as he grabbed my wrist instead and yanked me towards himself. I gasped as I felt forward, gripping the edge of the chair with my right hand, heart racing against my chest, “Mingi is coming with us, and wherever he goes, Katniss goes too. And you’re coming with us too, whether you like it or not. I don’t care if Finnick and Mags join us, I know they won’t turn against us until there’s just us left behind.”

I scoffed and yanked my wrist out of his hold, snarling at him, “You won’t tell me what to do, I’m not going to be in a team with you. Yet better, get out of my fucking way when that canon goes off because you will be the first person I’ll kill, Yunho.”

My words stung, they were honest but I hadn’t meant them like that. I hadn’t realized their weight until it was too late and I couldn’t take them back anymore. I tried to gulp but my throat was tight, cheeks burning from both anger and the sudden regret and embarrassment I felt. For the first time, I didn’t feel satisfaction as I watched Yunho’s face fall, a very clearly pained expression crossing his face. His eyebrows furrowed as if he didn’t understand why I would say something like that, but his eyes filled with tears and suddenly I felt like I couldn’t breathe anymore. It didn’t help that everyone was staring at me with wide-open mouths, just as shocked as Yunho by my words. When I heard Momo starting to sob, I knew I couldn’t sit there anymore. I stood abruptly, pushing my chair back forcefully as I took off towards my room, breaking out into a sprint when I felt my bottom lip shake, tears flooding my eyes.

Why was I on the verge of breaking down? Why did my own words hurt me when they were the truth, when they were supposed to let Yunho know that I didn’t want him around? Not here, not home, and certainly not in the Games. I couldn’t trust him, he’d tried to kill me once before, and he wasn’t even in the Arena with me, what would guarantee that he wouldn’t do it again? And now it would be so much easier done, I couldn’t trust him. In my desperate daze to get back to my room, I didn’t hear the quick footsteps chasing after me, and I gasped when my door was slammed open before it could even close. I knew who it was even before I turned around, and my hands balled into fists, throat tight as I tried to gulp again.

“Why are you like this?”

“Get out.”

We spoke over each other, Yunho’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion while mine in irritation, “Get out, Yunho, get out!”

“I’m not going fucking anywhere until you tell me how I wronged you!” Yunho had never raised his voice before, it made me flinch as his chest fell and rose rapidly, his lips downturned. He was mad and confused, and he wasn’t budging as I tried to push him out of my room. No, instead, he gripped my biceps painfully hard and shook my body as if that would shake some sense into me, his eyes shaking as they bore into mine. I couldn’t breathe as my heart raced painfully hard in my chest, my face flushed from the adrenaline. I couldn’t even tell what was wrong with me anymore, I didn’t know if I was scared, mad, desperate, or just insane. But I knew that if Yunho continued looking at me with that hurt expression on his face, I would completely break, and I couldn’t let that happen. Not when we were so close to going inside the Games where I had to be focused and committed to the thought that only I was making it back.

“You should think back on your actions, Yunho, it’s very easy actually.” I chuckled, trying to feign nonchalance, but I knew I was failing by how shaky my voice sounded, “I don’t trust you.”

“I know that, but no matter how hard I think about it, I just—” He gulped, averting his eyes, “I don’t know. I don’t know what I did wrong and I can’t—I just can’t have you pushing me away when we are so close, please, Y/N. I care for you just as much as I care for Mingi, we can’t separate in the Arena.”

I gulped as Yunho’s painful grip softened on my biceps, his shaking eyes searching my face as I tried to gather my thoughts, to give him a rational answer, “You think you won’t turn on me when the timing comes?”

I was surprised by how dejected and sad I sounded. I chuckled, fed up even with myself as the silence stretched on between us, Yunho’s lack of an answer being the answer. He knew it and I knew it too, the alliances would last as long as there were still many of us alive in the Arena. After that? Everyone was on their own, everyone. Even those who loved each other would have no choice but to choose. Me or them. And the answer was clear, it always had been. Humans were selfish, we were desperate to survive, and it was obvious who we’d choose.

“But I don’t want to turn on you.” Yunho’s voice was just a whisper as suddenly his hands moved, tracing up to my shoulders as he stepped closer, making me inhale deeply. His musky scent was nauseating, but it was the only thing in this wrenched place that smelled like home, that reminded me of home, that felt like home. Yunho’s closeness was familiar despite my dislike for it, and I found myself gripping his sweater at his hips, tilting my head back to look at him better. Yunho’s eyes were coated with an emotion that ran deep in his bones, an emotion that was so clear it made me freeze. He didn’t hate me, not even when I had been nothing but horrible to him, it was so obvious he didn’t and that was dangerous. It was dangerous because I could feel my walls crumble as I closed the distance between us, pressing my body against his bigger and stronger one. Yunho’s jaw clenched as he gently cupped my jaw, licking his lips as his eyes shifted between my eyes and lips.

“We won’t have to turn against each other, Y/N.” He whispered, leaning down so close that our lips brushed together. I gasped, quietly, as my eyes widened, freezing in his hold as I didn’t expect him to make such a bold move. But there was something hidden in his gaze, which quickly darted over the room as if searching for something, his voice really low and deep as he spoke again, “This will be the last time, to us, to them, to the children. Whatever happens in that Arena, it will happen with the intention to fix what’s been broken for so many years, to bring about a new beginning. So we mustn’t forget who our true enemy is, Y/N.”

My mind was reeling as Yunho’s words sank in, heart beating in a frenzy as I couldn’t completely focus due to the mess I was feeling inside. I wanted to push him away, slap him, berate him, but I also wanted to grab his collar and seal our lips together, to devour him, to breathe him in, to feel his body against mine, to give in to the burn situated low in my stomach. I hated him, but I wanted him. Snow took everyone from me, but he left me with Yunho as if he knew I’d torture myself over it, hate him with moments of relapse where all I could do was want him. I shuddered when Yunho shifted his head, his soft and wet lips pressing against the corner of my mouth. I wanted to chase after it, I wanted to taste him, but he turned his head when I tried to finally close the small distance. My lips pressed against his jaw instead and I couldn’t stop myself as I pressed an open-mouth kiss against his hot skin, fingers digging into his sweater, settling on his narrow hips. I couldn’t control myself anymore, it was too much. And maybe I didn’t want to let my logical brain lead me, maybe I wanted to give in to my deepest, darkest, desires led by my heart.

“If we do this together, Yunho,” My voice was hoarse as I spoke, our eyes meeting again as Yunho faced me once again, “The second I realize you’ve lied to me, I will kill you. I will kill anyone because I’m not dying in that Arena.”

“You are not.” Yunho emphasised as he gulped, reaching a hand up as he pushed my hair back, tangling his long fingers into the smooth strands, “But we must protect the Mockingjay.”

“Why?” I hissed, eyebrows furrowed as I turned my head just slightly, pressing my cheek into his, for once, warm palm. Yunho smiled, letting his other hand drop from my jaw as he shrugged, eyes shaking as his face morphed into tiredness. He seemed tired, but not just due to today’s events, he was tired of everything.

“To be free.” My eyes fluttered closed when he leaned forward, pressing a lasting kiss against my forehead. It made my chest ache and my hands almost chased after him when he untangled himself from my body, leaving me alone and cold in the room that would be my bedroom for the last time. I didn’t know what to do, but I knew one thing.

I wasn’t dying in that Arena, and perhaps neither was Yunho.

            Dread, so deep that it rattled your bones, was an emotion one could never get used to. I forgot what it truly meant to fear for your life, to do everything you could to keep yourself alive. President Snow wanted the utmost entertainment as Panem watched their most beloved victors fight for their lives, and he certainly got what he wanted. We didn’t have to run to the Cornucopia this year to get our weapons, no, the Cornucopia was where we stood the second the platforms raised us into the Arena. I couldn’t even focus on my chaotic heartbeat, eyes looking around for Finnick, only to spot Yunho instead straight across from me. He had given me a firm nod, and then his eyes fixed on something past me. When I turned to see what it was, I could see two axes lined up against the leg of a table. They were put there for us. I turned in my spot, muscles tight as the countdown began—may the odds be ever in your favour. Words I never thought I’d hear so vividly again, just through the screen of a TV while I watched my tributes fight until death.

And despite knowing what it meant to be in the Games and knowing it would be no easy feat to get away from the Cornucopia in one piece, it still shocked me how hard I had to fight to gain the upper hand. It seemed like Yunho and I weren’t the only ones yielding an axe, and thus, my first kill had been claimed right after the countdown, it didn’t surprise me. But there was no time for grief or hesitation, everyone was out there to get the other. I had to find my allies before someone could kill me, and upon seeing Finnick’s blonde hair disappear underwater, I knew I had to get away too. The Cornucopia was situated on an island in the middle of a lake, surrounded by lush green and dense pine trees. The breeze was chilly, the air humid. It felt like I was back in District 7 on an early autumn day when the days were starting to get shorter and the nights longer. The scenery felt familiar yet it made my skin crawl, I hated it here.

My ears still rang from the canons that had gone off right after the countdown, and my lungs burned when I resurfaced. The water was colder than I had expected and as I wasn’t an experimented swimmer, I struggled until I reached the shore, the axe I had to somehow carry to land also made my mission more difficult. As I gasped for air, water droplets obscuring my view, hand feeling around for my abandoned axe, I realized with great terror that something was actively sneaking around my ankles, slithering up my legs. In a frenzy, I decided to look back and I was mortified when I realized the weeds inside the water were moving up my leg, trying to yank me back inside the water. I tried to reach for my axe but it was out of reach, and just as I started trashing my legs around in hopes of making the weeds retract, I heard the sound of splashing water not too far from me. Then, the sharp edge of an axe came down and I gasped as I quickly flipped onto my back, my hand gripping the handle of my own axe as I was finally able to reach it.

Yunho’s suit was snug against his fit body, leaving very little to the imagination as it acted as a second skin. Our suits offered warmth but they were uncomfortable, the jacket that came with it only holding us back when we had to swim through the lake to reach the shore. Yunho was breathing hard as his eyes were pointed at me, and then he reached his hand out and I grabbed it without thinking much. I was hoisted up and I made sure no weed remained on my legs as Yunho hadn’t released my hand just yet, guiding us towards another tall person, who stood far away from the wet ground. My teeth clattered against each other as the lake’s coldness seemed to cling onto my every crevice, and I whipped my head left and right as I was trying to spot Finnick and Mags. I could see people rushing inside the trees at a distance, but neither had blonde hair like Finnick’s. Then, realizing that despite him being strong and capable of getting through the bloodbath, one of the canons that went off could’ve signalled his death.

My breath caught in my throat as I yanked my hand out of Yunho’s, making him pause as we finally reached Mingi, who was looking around himself nervously, bow and arrow clutched tightly in his hands. A hunting knife was strapped to his hips as well, and despite the always solemn look on his face, he seemed alert and present. But I couldn’t focus on Mingi or Yunho, all I could think about was the absence of Finnick, Mags, and even Katniss. Weren’t Mingi and her supposed to stick together no matter what?

“Where’s Katniss?” I found myself asking before I could think this through. I didn’t trust Mingi, hell, I didn’t even fully trust Yunho. I didn’t want to be with them, but Yunho’s long fingers found my arm again and he was suddenly walking off, dragging me after himself. I tried to stop, looking back at Mingi with a panicked expression on my face as he followed after us wordlessly, but neither one of them was saying anything. It only made my heart race faster, reminded me of the time when I was betrayed by my own district’s male tribute, flashbacks making my body shudder when Yunho just ignored me, fingernails digging through the fabric of my jacket as he led the way deeper inside the pine forest, “Stop—stop!”

I knew I was supposed to stay silent, but I was panicking, my mind was hazy and my lungs were heavy, I couldn’t continue like this. The Games had just started, I couldn’t freak out so early on, I needed to stay level-headed and in control of my thoughts and actions, “Yunho, I said fucking stop!”

“We can’t stop, Y/N!” He exclaimed, suddenly halting and making me run into his broad back. I gasped as my face collided with it and he whirled around, eyebrows furrowed, “We are too exposed right now, we have to keep going, the others are lurking around still.”

“I’m not going anywhere without Finnick, Yunho, I’ve already told you this—”

“I didn’t see Finnick anywhere,” I could barely speak before Yunho cut me off, as if he didn’t even care about what I had to say. The lump in my throat made it hard to swallow all of a sudden, “We can’t wait around for him, we have to keep moving for a while, at least. And if—he—he might’ve died already, Y/N, we can’t wait around for—”

“What about Katniss?” I hissed, turning my head around as I glared at Mingi, who looked tense and lowered his eyes when my glare burned into his shaken eyes, “Weren’t you two supposed to stay together?”

“We were, but I—she pushed me in the water to save me from a knife and I—” Mingi gulped, sharing a quick glance with Yunho. It made me look back at Yunho, feeling more suspicious than before. Something was wrong, they had to be lying. But why would they want us to separate from Finnick and Katniss? It made no sense, “I lost sight of her, I’m sorry. But she’s strong and she can swim, I know she made it out. The forest is like a second home to her, she’ll find her way back—I hope.”

“Hope,” I scoffed, shaking Yunho’s grip off as I held my axe even tighter, jaw clenching, “is not good enough here, Mingi. Are you sure you didn’t do this on purpose? Why did you want to separate me from Finnick—”

“Nobody wanted us to separate.” Yunho’s sharp tone cut me off and I gasped when I felt him cup my cheek and turn my head around, his chocolate brown eyes hard and glaring, “Things rarely go as planned inside the Games, Y/N, you know that, so we can’t just stand here and argue and draw even more attention onto us. We’ll search until we find them, okay?”

“I know you did this on purpose, Yunho.” I hissed, slapping his warm hand away, my jaw clenching as Yunho closed his eyes and released a long exhale, “I don’t know what sick and twisted game you’re playing at, but I will slit your—”

A twig snapping to our right made the rest of my words die in the back of my throat, making both Yunho and Mingi tense up as they whipped their heads towards where the sound had come from. My grip tightened around the handle of my axe until my joints ached, and I tilted my head, waiting and listening for another sound. It was minuscule, but it was there, someone was hiding behind the tree. It didn’t look like Mingi or Yunho had noticed, though, because Mingi turned his head and Yunho opened his mouth to say something, but I paid them no mind as I raised my arm and flung my axe towards the tree just as someone with a sword jumped around it. The sickening crack of bones was loud as the tribute gasped, flung back into the tree as the axe was lodged almost perfectly in the middle of his chest. Mingi gasped and seemed to freeze as Yunho gulped, his hand tightening around his own axe.

I threw him a glare before I went towards the tribute who was pinned against the tree by my axe, blood flowing out of his mouth as the life slowly slipped away from the man’s eyes. It was the male tribute from District 6, a man I didn’t know well but had heard talk shit about me behind my back. He was still alive but just barely hanging onto life, so without thinking, I grabbed the back of the axe and pushed it even deeper into the man’s chest, making him let out a gurgled groan. It only took three seconds for his head to drop and for the canon to go off. I scoffed and grabbed the back of the axe, yanking it out of his lifeless body as he crumbled to the ground, folding over itself as I wiped the blood on the back of his jacket, grinning to myself. I would’ve apologized if he would’ve deserved it, but a man who’d tried sexually assaulting me before did not deserve my mercy. Satisfied with my work, and slightly hopeful that the Capitol was thrilled by my kill, I turned with a grin on my lips. The feeling of victory didn’t last for long as I froze, taken aback by the sight in front of me.

Mingi’s whole body was shaking, his bow and arrow were on the ground and his head was hidden in the crook of Yunho’s neck, who held his friend close, muttering reassuring words into the younger’s ear. My jaw clenched, and suddenly the adrenaline rush crashed inside my body, bringing back the clattering of my teeth as my body was still way too cold. I wanted to think of Mingi as someone weak, as someone who had lost his mind already, as someone who had no place in the Hunger Games, an easy prey to whom death was certain. But deep down, in a hidden chamber of my heart, I felt sympathy for Mingi because all I wanted to do was crumble into a ball and sob until no emotion was left inside my chest. I was beyond frightened and all I wanted was to be held in Yunho’s warm and comforting arms, in the arms that felt like home. But I couldn’t, if I let my emotions take the lead, I would die and that was a luxury I couldn’t afford—not yet, at least.

“We need to move,” I spoke up, voice surprisingly gentle as I realized Mingi’s reaction had been triggered by my kill. I didn’t want to set him off more, it wouldn’t just be bad for him, it would set Yunho and me back too, I couldn’t have that happen, “We’re too close to the shore still.”

“Mingi,” Yunho’s voice was gentle as he pressed his nose against his best friend’s temple, rubbing his back up and down with both hands as his axe lay on the ground next to his leg, “It’s okay, we’re fine. Y/N took care of him, you’re safe with us. Let’s go, okay? We need to keep moving to avoid situations like this one, hm?”

I heard a sniff as I approached them, crouching down to fetch Mingi’s bow and arrow as he nodded his head, throwing his arms around Yunho’s neck as he gave him a tight squeeze. Yunho chuckled but returned the hug, a warm smile appearing on his face when the two separated. I gulped, feeling uncomfortable at their intimacy, at the ease they showed affection to each other. Even if my body and soul craved closeness to another human being, my mind wouldn’t let me bring the walls built around my heart down, I just couldn’t. It was too late now, softness didn’t get you anywhere in the Arena, only barbarity did.

“Here,” I muttered as Mingi faced me, his body still trembling when his eyes landed on his previously abandoned weapons. He gulped and very slowly reached forward, “I understand that it’s hard, Mingi, but if you let your trauma and fear consume you, you won’t get far in the Games.”

He nodded once and then grabbed his weapons out of my hands, staring at them with a ferocious glare. Yunho grabbed his axe too and then sighed, rubbing his face before he glanced around us, “Let’s head uphill, maybe we find something that we can use as a resource.”

I nodded, letting the two fall in step in front of me as I opted to look out for our backs, making sure we weren’t exposed on either side. My muscles hurt by how tense they were, and my ears were trained well to catch even the slightest shifts, the quietest of sounds. I knew how to survive situations worse than this, but I couldn’t let my guard down, the Games had barely started.

But if there was one thing I was certain of, it was that I couldn’t trust Yunho or Mingi. Finnick was my only ally in these Games and I was going to find him, whether on my own or with the help of two tall men walking in front of me, I didn’t care. I was going home once this was over.

            The first night in the Arena had been silent, uneventful. This was good only because we got a good night’s rest, otherwise, it meant the Gamemakers were planning something big. I couldn’t tell what, not yet at least, but the lightning striking a tree in the distance, far more uphill, managed to raise my suspicions. I couldn’t tell just yet what that was supposed to mean, but I had counted twelve strikes. I had been on the lookout when it happened, preferring to be the first to keep watch as the two men I was with slept soundly, huddled closely together. Before the artificial sun could set, we made a small bonfire to try to warm ourselves up, grilling a frog we had found by the creak. It got really cold by the nighttime, but I preferred my teeth clattering to cozying up with either Yunho or Mingi. I didn’t trust them, not in the least, and I had twirled the hunting knife between my fingers as I watched them sleep, so unassumingly, so easy to kill. But I wouldn’t do it just yet, not until I have found Finnick and we’d figure something out together. The Arena was big and I knew we had little chance of finding each other, but for once in my life I could only pray the odds would be in my favor.

Morning came fast and once we refreshed ourselves by the creak, which was surprisingly lukewarm, we took off once again, headed more uphill. We were looking for a good hiding spot, something we could treat as our base, but we were also just keen on exploring the Arena. It felt like the pine forest was endless, and to someone who didn’t grow up in a District that was surrounded by forests, it must’ve felt like an endless maze of trees that looked the same no matter which way you looked. But to Yunho and I it was rather easy to navigate through its density, the scenery was never the same to us. The occasional fallen log, the change of the bush type, or even the way birds flew overhead were a good tale-tell sign of where we were. Mingi seemed to be at ease too, moving around as if the forest was his second home. I knew District 12 was just by the forest, but I had no idea they could go inside it too. Maybe Mingi was hiding things about himself even towards Yunho, it wouldn’t surprise me.

As the day had dragged on and the temperatures rose once again, our stomachs churned loudly as we were getting tired from endlessly climbing uphill, the pathway slippery due to the small rocks we had to walk on. Yunho had exchanged spots with Mingi, and I was keen on remaining at the back as we trekked around some more trees, avoiding bushes that looked like something was wrong with them. We had only stopped when the sound of a drone caught our attention, the beeping of it high-pitched and loud as if it were a child’s toy. It was headed towards us, more specifically towards Yunho, and it looked like a box—a big box when Yunho caught it, his eyebrows furrowed. We had stopped then and once Yunho had opened it up, our mouths started watering. Someone from the Capitol had sent us breakfast and left us a letter telling us to feast on it as they’d send us some more tomorrow morning as well. Yunho, the ever-lovely person he was, faced a camera and thanked the sender with a bright smile and some sweet words, Mingi and I could barely contain ourselves from ravishing the bagels, cheese, grapes, and slices that looked and tasted like ham.

Once our bellies were full, we were off again hoping to find a cave as we had followed the stream until it started disappearing into an unknown direction. Mingi was at the front of the group leading us, his bow and arrow gripped in his hands as we had finally spotted a cave up-front, right by the pathway. He seemed excited upon our finding and quickened his pace, making Yunho and I run after him as Yunho glanced back to throw me an excited smile. I didn’t react as I fixed my grip on my axe, ready to face other tributes if they were hiding inside the cave that we’d claim as ours soon. But it was dark and silent inside as we reached its opening and Mingi halted, looking back at Yunho and I.

“I’ll go check, wait here.”

“You shouldn’t go alone,” Yunho muttered, his eyebrows furrowed.

“It’s fine, I won’t go in deep,” Mingi reassured him and then stalked inside, his bow and arrow drawn in case he was forced to use it. With a gulp, I settled back on my heels and looked around, trying to evade Yunho’s burning gaze. He didn’t say anything, but he continued to stare as I tried harder and harder to ignore him. My heart was slowly starting to thump faster in my chest, and I could feel myself starting to sweat from still wearing my jacket over the body-tight suit. Just as Yunho opened his mouth to say something, Mingi’s shriek made us tense up and share a concerned glance, and then Yunho was off before I could even tell him to wait.

“Mingi!” He screamed, running inside the cave with his axe raised. I remained in my spot, my breaths audible as I whipped my head around, looking out for anyone who could be prowling on us. My heartbeat was deafening as I tried to tune in to the sounds of the forest, but the pounding feet coming from inside the cave caught my attention rapidly, and I couldn’t even make out what was happening as Yunho and Mingi’s panicked faces came into view, Yunho’s hand gripping my arm hard as he yanked me after himself, sprinting downhill all of a sudden.

“Run!” Mingi screamed as he took the lead once again, his bow around his shoulder and arrow in its holster, my heart started pounding faster as I twisted my head around, trying to make out what we were running from. Going downhill was certainly easier than uphill, but the small rocky path was tricky as it was slippery and made it harder for us to flee safely. If it weren’t for Yunho’s relenting grip on my bicep, I was sure I would’ve tumbled to the ground already.

“What are we running from?!” I asked as my lungs heaved for air, Yunho and I jumped over a fallen log as Mingi was well in front of us, not looking back even once.

“Snakes!” Yunho screamed, and I felt my whole body shudder, fear gripping my insides. I wasn’t afraid of snakes, but I was afraid of whatever mutants these were, certain to kill us. I gulped and twisted my head around again to try and see the reptilians, which turned out to be my downfall— quite literally.

“Yunho, come on!” I heard Mingi scream before my feet got caught in the vines that slithered across the forest floor and I gasped as my feet were cut from underneath me, Yunho’s grip disappearing as he continued to run while I rolled to the side, curling into myself to try and protect my head as I hit the side of a boulder. I groaned, my back numb as it caught most of my fall, and my axe was somewhere on the ground. I tried to look for it, getting on my knees as I heard the slithering snakes getting closer, their hisses menacing. My heart felt like it was in my throat as I could hear my pulse clearly and loudly in my ears, looking up as the fallen leaves rattled not too far from me.

“Yunho?!” I heard Mingi’s raw voice call out in the distance, laced with panic, “What are you—no!”

I could see my axe from here, a colourful snake was twisting around its handle, hissing as its eyes fell on me. I gritted my teeth and fumbled around for my hunting knife, unlatching it from around my thigh as I gripped it in my hand, staring the snake down. The only problem was that it wasn’t just one snake that was coming after us, it was multiple, a dozen, thousands even as the otherwise silent forest was filled with their hissing. My mouth parted as my breathing got heavier, and my eyes widened when I felt something crawling up my left calf. It only took me one second to realize a snake had gotten to me without me noticing its approach, and an involuntary shriek escaped my mouth as I tried to kick it off. I tried to stay as calm as possible and fight with a level head, but the dread gripping at my insides, whispering that I was going to die, made me panic as I tried to stab the snake, but it dodged my knife each time as if it was intelligent enough to do so.

“Yunho!” Mingi’s desperate shout almost felt like it shook the ground, and I hissed at the snake as another one got too close, trying to stab that one too. It was hard to accept the fact that I would die such a pathetic death, but I bet the Capitol would love it. They were always entertained by whatever the Gamemakers had prepared for us, and I felt my lips tremble as a pathetic whine left my lips when the snake’s body got tighter around my leg, opening its mouth in a menacing snarl. But the pain spreading from of its poison never came as Yunho suddenly appeared from around the trees, slicing snakes in half as he stepped hard on others, his eyes finding mine. He looked terrified once he noticed the snake around my leg, and without consideration for his life, he leapt forward and grabbed the snake with his bare hand, yanking it so hard that it tore its body in two. The snake hissed, but before it could try to do more harm, it was decapitated by Yunho’s axe, his chest rising and falling rapidly.

“Fuck, come on!” He snapped, and it helped me quench my terror as I scrambled onto my feet, almost tripping again but this time due to nothing. My whole body was shaking as Yunho’s fingers intertwined with mine, his palm calloused and sweaty as he was breathing hard.

“Yunho?!” Mingi sounded on the verge of hysteria as Yunho and I ran towards the pathway again, and I retrieved my axe quickly, stomping on a snake vengefully before we sprinted down the rocky pathway again. This time I made sure to not glance back even though the snakes were right by our feet, trying to bite at our calves, and Achilles tendon, some even trying to jump and latch onto our torsos.

“Keep running, Mingi!” Yunho screamed back as we could see him now since we were closer to him. He was standing with his bow and arrow drawn back, hands visibly shaking and his eyes red. But once he had spotted us, he took off again, going off the pathway and jumping over bushes.

“Where are we going?!” I panted out, swinging at a snake as it tried jumping at my body from the right side.

“I have no idea,” Yunho answered breathlessly but veered us off the pathway, following Mingi’s lead. Even though he was well ahead of us, Yunho seemed to constantly know his friend’s location, and which way we needed to go to catch up with him. And it seemed like Mingi had stopped running once we reached the small clearing, his calves soaked in the creak.

“Get in!” He was beckoning us over frantically, marching over to the side of the creak when we were finally close enough, and then he grabbed Yunho’s axe and yanked us aggressively inside the water. Yunho slipped and fell to his knees, his axe remaining in Mingi’s grip as Yunho panted, head hanging low. My legs threatened to give out too but I was mostly confused as I looked at Mingi, and then back at the approaching snakes.

“Why did we stop?!” I asked, fear coating my voice, “We’re going to die, I can’t—”

“The snakes won’t come into the water,” Mingi said, his jaw set tight as he looked at the approaching reptilians.

“How do you know?!” I gave him an incredulous look, my attention shifting onto Yunho when he rolled around, sitting on his bum despite getting his suit soaked once again.

“They aren’t water snakes, just—trust me.” Mingi’s deep tone was raw and tense as his eyes remained on the reptilians. I watched too, gripping my axe and ready to kill as many as needed, heart thundering in my chest. But just as one snake tried to get inside the water, it hissed out loudly and retreated, the others following suit. No snake got inside the water, it tried though, but it jumped back as if they were electrocuted by it. I felt all power leave my body as I crumbled to my knees, steadying myself on my hands as my stomach felt like turning upside down, about to empty its contents. Our pants were loud in the small clearing, the water flow calming despite the retreating hisses of the snakes. It was eery to hear them in the distance, and my body shuddered as I remembered it slithering up my leg.

“Fucking hell,” I muttered under my breath, looking up at Mingi and Yunho. Yunho was still sitting, his eyes staring out into nothing as Mingi had moved to sit on a rock, his plump lips swollen and his eyes filled with tears. It made my eyebrows furrow as I tried to calm my body and mind, but it was hard when dread seemed to have taken its residence inside my body, inside my mind. My jaw clenched as I shakily stood again, eyebrows furrowing, “How did you know?”

Mingi and Yunho looked at me, probably surprised by my feeble voice. I hated it, but I ignored it as my glare burned into Mingi’s face. His eyebrows furrowed, but he shrugged, “I guess I just—I’ve heard it somewhere? I just—it just felt like the right thing to do.”

“So, you didn’t know.” I huffed, closing my eyes as my body continued trembling from the lingering adrenaline in my system.

“Yeah, maybe—but we’re alive, we’re—fine.” Mingi’s voice got quiet as my eyes snapped open, fixating on him. I scoffed, snarling at him.

“We’re fine?” I questioned, feeling the heat rise into my cheeks due to anger, “We’re alive?”

“Yeah, we—”

“No,” I hissed, grabbing my axe tightly for stability, to ground myself, “I am alive because Yunho came back, because he saved me. What were you doing, huh, Mingi? Saving yourself, that’s what you were doing, I’ll tell you.”

Mingi gulped, his eyebrows furrowing as he glanced at Yunho briefly, “I was just…trying to find the creak. I knew you’d follow me, I—”

“So much for being a team, huh?” I chuckled but it was humourless, “Is this what you did with Katniss, too?”

Mingi froze, eyes slightly widening as a hurt expression crossed his face. I heard Yunho exhale sharply but I was focused on Mingi, my eyes narrowing as he continued avoiding eye contact. My heart was still racing but for different reasons now, I could hear the gears in my head turn, twisting my thoughts and whispering at me that I was right all along. Mingi and Yunho weren’t my allies, they were my enemies and they were trying to lure me further and further away from other possible tributes that could maybe help me if I needed it. I scoffed, feeling my skin burn underneath my suit.

“Tell me, Mingi, did Katniss really push you into the lake?” I raised my eyebrows, watching as the guy’s eyebrows furrowed some more, “Or did you jump in because you were planning on betraying her at some point, huh?”

“Y/N,” Yunho hissed, abruptly standing up, “stop talking to him like that, what are you even saying? Do you hear yourself right now? How delusional do you sound?”

I chuckled, turning around to face Yunho as Mingi remained unmoving, frozen, dark eyes staring into the water as his hands clenched and unclenched, “Really, now, Yunho? I am delusional? I didn’t even want to team up with you two, you forced me into an alliance with you and Mingi and look where it got us! We both could’ve died out there while Mingi ran for his life! Did you forget what he’s done to his allies in the past—”

“Shut up.” Mingi snapped, standing up from his rock, jaw clenched and eyes ablaze with anger. He was breathing hard and his height was intimidating, looming over my shorter build as he approached me rapidly, “You don’t know shit about why I did that, Y/N. They were going to kill me that night, I heard them talking about it. I wasn’t going to sit around and wait for it to happen!”

I paused, licking my lips as I shook my head in disbelief, “And do you think at some point Yunho and I won’t turn against you? Do you think we won’t try to kill you?”

“We won’t.” Yunho hissed as he came closer too, his cheeks flushed and his expression conveying the simmering rage he must’ve felt underneath his skin. Yunho was rarely angry, but when he was, his voice thundered and his eyes turned sharp, lips pulled back in a snarl that was both frightening and almost comical, “Because I didn’t come here to kill anyone. We are getting out alive, but we have to find the others first.”

My jaw clenched as I looked between the two, shaking my head as I felt disappointment lick at my insides, somehow disheartened by their naivety. We weren’t going home, not all of us would survive, why could they not understand that finally?

“Are you fucking making fun of me, right now?” I said, voice hard as I looked at Yunho, “What games are you two playing, huh?! You’re insane if you think I’ll stay here with the two of you for one more second—”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Yunho hissed, stepping so close I had to crane my neck back to be able to look him in the eyes. My jaw clenched as I felt the axe slip from my fingers and I scoffed, raising my eyebrows tauntingly. The heavy weapon made a splashing sound once it collided with the water, and I could feel Mingi’s anxiety radiating off himself, his eyes watching us carefully, fingers curling around the edge of his hunting knife. I gulped, very aware that I was at a great disadvantage if the two decided to attack me right now, there were few chances I’d make it out alive. But even so, I would fight until my last breath, they couldn’t take me down that easily.

“Mingi is very clearly trying to kill me, why else would he separate me from Finnick? And the fact that you’re standing here and defending your good old buddy just proves to me that you are in on it too, Yunho. You didn’t even let me try and look for Finnick, you just dragged me away.” My heart was beating fast as my voice had started rising. Yunho looked a mixture of hurt and confused as his jaw clenched, not once looking away. I couldn’t see Mingi from my spot, but I could feel his gaze burn into the side of my head, “And the fact that he would’ve left me there for the snakes proves my point that he gives zero shit about me—and maybe about you too, Yunho, because he didn’t even think about coming to help you out. So maybe next time reconsider who your true friends are before making allegiances. If you want to kill me, come at me now.”

“Nobody is trying to kill you—” It was Mingi who spoke, sounding exasperated, “We are a team, I didn’t stop because I didn’t realize you two weren’t following me anymore. And when I finally did, I fucking turned back around and came running to help, but you had already figured it out! Do you think I wanted to separate from Katniss? The only person besides Yunho that I know and trust?! No, I didn’t fucking want to! She pushed me into the lake to save me and I freaking lost sight of her! Do you think I’m not trying to find her? Do you think I want to win these fucking Games again just to be tormented some more and more by Snow, by the memories and all the trauma?! I want to fucking die, Y/N, I hate my life and I hate myself. So killing you is the last thing on my mind, okay?!”

Something broke in my heart at how broken Mingi sounded, the way his tear-filled eyes just spilt down his cheeks, wetting them and making his eyes even redder. He was sniffing as he rubbed at his nose with the sleeve of his jacket, looking hurt and betrayed. I gulped, feeling torn between my own thoughts. I wanted to trust them, I really did, but what if they were just trying to soften me up with sob stories? What if it was all a ploy to get me to trust them, only for them to kill me? I wouldn’t put it past Mingi, and neither Yunho, we were in the Hunger Games after all and it wasn’t about forming bonds and long-lasting relationships, it was about survival, it was about killing until the strongest one was last standing. I shook my head, chewing on my bottom lip as I averted my eyes, looking up at Yunho with conflict, but knowing that I had already made my decision. I couldn’t stay with them, not when I distrusted them so much.

“It makes no sense to turn against each other,” Yunho spoke softly despite the anger still displayed on his features. He gulped and licked his lips, wanting to touch my cheek but he must’ve seen something on my face because he dropped his hand last minute, “Y/N, please just think rationally for a second and trust us. I don’t—I could never harm you, I just—I want all of us to go home and—I don’t know, but don’t do this. We will find both Katniss and Finnick, that’s what I’m trying to do, okay? But it’s hard tracking them down in this forest, we—”

“I’m not going with you anymore.” I cut Yunho’s rambling off, my jaw set tight as I released a sigh, stepping back to put distance between our bodies. Yunho and Mingi looked confused for a second, glancing at each other uncertainly, “And you have harmed me before, Yunho, but it seems like you wiped it all from your memory. It’s sweet really, I wish I could’ve too.”

Yunho’s mouth parted in shock, hand reached out but I raised mine, shaking my head, “I’ll find Finnick on my own, you two find Katniss and play besties with her, I guess. Just don’t—don’t cross my path because I won’t spare you, I can promise you that.”

Yunho’s eyebrows furrowed and he tried to reach for me again but Mingi held his shoulder, his jaw set tight. I grabbed my axe out of the water and took a deep breath, looking at the two for a long second before turning my back to them and rushing away from the creak, down the pathway we had explored earlier today. My jaw was tight and my muscles tense as I kept walking and walking, mind spinning as I concentrated hard to catch even the slightest shift around myself.

I had to put distance between myself and the other two, otherwise it wouldn’t be safe.

            Three days had passed since I left Yunho and Mingi behind. I had no success finding Finnick thus far and being alone in the Arena was getting to me. I couldn’t sleep as nobody had my back while I did so, hunting was slightly harder as it took more time than with others to help, and I also had to be constantly on the lookout for the traps the Gamemakers would send my way. I was struggling, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel more relaxed on my own than I did with Yunho and Mingi by my side. I couldn’t trust them and it was driving me crazy. Yunho was supposed to be the last one to keep watch but he had accidentally fallen asleep, leaving us defenceless. He was incompetent and I could put my life into the hands of a person who couldn’t as much as stay awake to make sure no one killed us in our sleep. Alone, without anyone to keep watch, I couldn’t exactly sleep, but I had fallen into a light slumber more than once. Climbing the trees to shelter myself from others for the night seemed like a reasonable thing to do, having learned it from Katniss as she had done the same last year in her Games.

The small fire I managed to conjure up by the spot I had claimed as my campsite was small and it crackled as I had waited for the frog to grill so that I could have dinner. Walking away from Yunho and Mingi also meant no support from the Capitol, and I wasn’t surprised when nobody sent me any gifts, not even a soothing balm after I had accidentally fallen into poison ivy. My skin was itchy and I tried to stop myself from scratching it raw, but it was hard when I had nothing to do but stay attuned to the sounds of the forests and watch out for anything that seemed misplaced. Yesterday, I was forced to kill two more tributes when they tried to take over my campsite, taunting me and laughing in my face, until I had decapitated the male tribute with just two swings. The two were the siblings from District 1, the Capitol’s most beloved victors after Finnick Odair, of course. It didn’t surprise me that nobody sent me gifts, given that I had just killed two people they seemed to really love. Without dwelling too much on what was already done, I continued searching for Finnick.

The forest felt huge and never-ending, and it felt like we were on different ends of Panem despite being enclosed inside a limited space. I was doing what I had been doing for the past three days when I suddenly heard leaves rustling behind me. I didn’t pause nor walk faster, I continued as if I hadn’t heard anything, trying to see if someone was following me—or something—or whether it was just the breeze that would blow through the Arena at times. I had opted not to go uphill anymore as I had a suspicion that Yunho and Mingi would continue searching for another cave to claim as theirs, unless it was infested with poisonous snakes once again. I gripped my axe tighter as I heard twigs snapping to my left, just behind some bushes. My steps halted and my head turned to look towards where the sound came from. I didn’t move, I didn’t breathe as my eyes bore into the trunk of a tree, narrowing when I saw something shift. I gulped and squared my shoulders back, ready to fight another tribute if needed. To be fair, I preferred the tributes over whatever mutants the Gamemakers had prepared for us, they were easier to kill and predictable, unlike the animals that shouldn’t even exist.

I took a step towards where the noise came from, but another twig snapped just behind me, making me whirl around. I couldn’t panic right now or else I’d lose my cool and make mistakes, which weren’t affordable here, especially since I was completely on my own. I gulped and narrowed my eyes, listening closely to the quietest of shifts, my eyes widening when I saw a head duck back behind the tree to my right. Was I surrounded? Who were these people? Did Yunho and Mingi find me? Did they have another ally to replace me?

I gulped, raising my axe to my chest as my jaw clenched, eyes trained on the tree where someone was hiding behind. But when I felt someone move past behind me, I was forced to whirl around and hurl my axe at—nothing. My heart was beating fast in my chest as my eyebrows furrowed, muscles tense as my axe fell to the forest floor, whoever passed behind me faster than my axe. I gulped and swiftly ran to get my axe, but paused just as my fingertips were about to reach it. Someone was breathing heavily to my right, behind a large tree, and with shaky fingers I grabbed the axe and stood up straight, pulling my arm back to swing it at whoever was taunting me.

“Come out!” I screamed, my jaw clenched as I firmly planted my feet on the ground. My chest fell and rose quickly as my eyes narrowed when I saw movement from behind the tree again.

“Y/N?” And just like that, I froze. My muscles didn’t turn more tense, instead, it felt like my whole body was a puddle as my mouth fell open, and my heart almost stopped in my chest, “I’m scared.”

I gasped loudly, my axe slipping from my grasp as my knees shook, mind reeling in disbelief. This couldn’t be happening, she—my little sister was dead. But her fragile voice called out again, shaking with fear, and I didn’t think as I sprinted towards the tree, desperate to catch a glimpse of her. How was she here? Had President Snow tricked me into believing my family was dead? I had never seen their bodies, after all, only their headstones upon my arrival to District 7, and I felt like fainting the more I thought about them being alive all this time.

“Ye-Yena?” My voice cracked as my fingers trembled just as I was about to round the tree. But my little sister whispered again, from a different spot this time, and I turned towards her voice again, hurrying over, “Where are you, Yena, please come out!”

My voice was breathy as tears obscured my vision, and I was on the verge of hysteria as I tried to find her, but she was always in some other spot, “Yena!”

I was panting from both adrenaline and fear as I tried to grab after my sister when she dashed from behind another tree, crying out in frustration. But I froze when a tall frame materialized in front of me, eyes dark and sharp, a contrast to Yena’s soft features.

“Jaebom?” My older brother didn’t move nor say anything as we stared into each other’s eyes, the first tears spilling down my cheeks as I sprung forward helplessly, my arms circling his torso, which was cold to the touch, “Jaebom, what’s happening?!”

But he didn’t answer me as more tears streamed down my cheeks, fingers grabbing onto his t-shirt tightly, shaking his unmoving body when he remained unresponsive, “Jaebom!”

And then, I heard a sinister cackle come from behind Jaebom, eerily similar to Yena’s childlike giggles. I untangled myself from Jaebom and looked past his shoulders, eyes widening when I saw Yena twirl my axe around in her hands as if it were made out of plastic. Her face looked ashen as she smirked, pouting her lips at me mockingly as my eyes shook. Her expression looked nothing like my little sister's. I didn’t understand what was happening anymore. Why were my siblings here, and why were they acting unlike themselves?

“Look at you,” Yena’s voice wasn’t light anymore, instead it was an angry snarl, “Living your happy life, rubbing it in our faces right now. What are you crying for, huh? Are you crying because you have to kill people again, like you’ve killed us?”

“What?” I whispered in confusion, flinching when Jaebom suddenly grabbed my bicep, his touch hot and burning, “I don’t understand—”

“You never do,” Jaebom snapped, and I whined as he started gripping my bicep painfully, “You always thought you were better than all of us, look where that got you. You’re just a pathetic excuse of a human being, everyone is ashamed of you. Mom and dad think you should’ve died instead of us, and now, you will die!”

In my confusion, too focused on the ache in my heart, I almost missed the huge knife Jaebom grabbed out of his belt, aiming it towards my heart. I gasped and punched him in the jaw, jumping away from him, “What are you doing—”

“Die, bitch.” Yena hissed as she took off towards me, making me scream in fright when she tried to lodge my own axe into my body. I was panting as I realized my siblings were trying to kill me, and without wasting another second, I pushed Yena to the ground and took off in a sprint, running away mindlessly as I could hear them pursuing me. My heart was beating like crazy in my chest as my siblings made weird noises, they were almost howling, and they sounded like animals. I couldn’t look back, too afraid that I’d lose my footing again, so I was forced to blindly run from them, making sharp twists and turns in hopes of losing them. But my worst nightmare seemed to materialize in front of me, as suddenly, I started seeing my mother's and father’s faces from behind trees, peeking at me with sinister smiles on their faces, cackling loudly as Jaebom hurled his long knife at me. I was lucky enough to take a right turn as he did so, the knife lodging itself into a tree as I gasped, eyes filling with tears again.

“Why are you doing this?!” I screamed as something suddenly burned my arm, and as I looked to my right, I was horrified to see my mother running alongside me, her hand burning into my arm as she had a wicked smile on her lips, “Stop!”

“You’re coming with us this time, daughter.” It was my father who was suddenly standing by the creak, holding a sword in both of his hands as I tried to steer clear of his path, but my mother’s grip was unnaturally strong and she kept dragging me towards it. I screamed and trashed around, feeling suffocated as my mother continued to cackle, my father’s eyes filled with hatred as he angled his sword so that he could gut me alive. I was a sobbing mess as I struggled to free myself, trashing around, and even trying to punch my mother but nothing seemed to work. I could feel Jaebom looming over me from behind, the heel of my own axe pressing into my back as I cried harder, whimpering when Yena appeared next to my father, twirling a knife in her hands.

“Poor Y/N.” Her voice dropped low, almost as if it was a man talking, and it made me realize that whatever was happening right now wasn’t real. It was something created by the Arena, it wasn’t their ghosts nor their vengeful spirits here to take me away, and yet, I still couldn’t fight my mother’s grip off as I clawed at her hand, biting her cold flesh in hopes that she’d release me.

“Let me go!” I screamed again, twisting my body away when my father’s sword came dangerously close, Jaebom’s burning grip tight on my nape as he angled my body to be strung on the sword, “No!”

I didn’t want to die, not like this. I was shaking from head to toe as I tried one last time to get out of the grip of my mother and brother, but nothing was working as I felt the tip of the sword press against my belly. The four cackled loudly as my ears rang, and I gasped when the sword pressed deeper into my tummy, drawing blood, but all the external pain disappeared abruptly as I felt my body pushed to the side aggressively, wrenching me out of the tight grips of the mutants that posed as my family. I screamed again when I felt hands on my shoulders trying to turn me around, and I drew my fists back, the only thought in my mind being to harm anyone who touched me.

“Y/N!” Despite being so lost in my mind, I registered the familiar ring of the voice, the panic and fear in them as I threw the first punch, breathing hard and loudly as if I were a rabid dog. I wouldn’t fall victim to the Capitol, not like this, they couldn’t kill me by using mutants. I couldn’t give Snow the satisfaction, I had to fight until my last breath, until a tribute killed me. I couldn’t go like this, I wasn’t ready. I was scared. I was alone and nobody would be there with me when I took my last breath, nobody would reassure me that it would be okay, and nobody would smile at me for the last time. I would be alone, and that thought alone was scarier than the fact that I would be dying. So I didn’t stop as I screamed and punched blindly, my sight hazy and my mind a jumbled mess as someone continued calling out my name like a mantra, the sounds around me slowly registering inside my brain, “Y/N! Please, please, it’s us. Y/N, it’s Finnick.”

I gasped, my eyes widening as if I was seeing for the first time. My lungs burned, my muscles ached, and my heart was beating so fast I was having palpitations as suddenly I could see the person standing in front of me, his face pained as tears streaked down his rosy cheeks. He had me in a deathly grip, my biceps sore from it, but it wasn’t to harm me, it was to stop me from doing anything to myself or him, to the others, “Finnick?”

A beat of silence passed as I stared into chocolate-warm eyes, so utterly confused and pent. Then, an arrow wheezed past my head and I jumped with a gasp, wide eyes falling onto the body of my brother, no blood flowing out of his body as he crumbled to the ground. He looked lifeless as he turned into nothing and I felt my bottom lip starting to quiver as I looked back at the person holding me. I had no fight left in me as I attempted to push them off of me, but I was tackled to the ground before I could make another move. The wind was knocked from my lungs as my head thumped painfully, eyes hazy as a weight settled on top of my body, pinning my hips to the cold forest floor, hands above my head as long, cold, fingers intertwined with mine.

“It’s not real.” The man holding me down whispered, his voice shaky as he gulped, “They weren’t real, Y/N. But I am real, I’m here now.”

“Yun-Yunho?” I stuttered, my throat hoarse from having screamed so much. I felt a fresh wave of tears spring into my eyes as Yunho’s filled with tears too, and without thinking, I untangled our fingers and threw my arms around his neck, yanking him down into a tight hug, “Yunho.”

My whole body shook as sobs wracked it, tears wetting Yunho’s jacket’s collar as his warm body slowly melted into mine, offering me the warmth I had been craving so much all this time. His musky scent was comforting and felt like home as I buried my head into his neck, inhaling until my lungs burned and I had to exhale once again. Yunho was safe, he was the pillar I needed all this time unknowingly, he was the one to chase the darkness away and protect me from my own dark and twisted mind. I only cried harder when Yunho started shushing me, pressing kisses against my temple, rubbing my back once he sat back and brought me with himself, letting me settle in his lap as I clung to him. I had been terrified these past three days, scared for my own life, but also wondering whether Yunho had made it past another day every time the canon shattered the quietness of the Arena.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, voice raw as I gulped, hoping it would help, “Yunho, I’m—I—”

“Shh, it’s alright.” Yunho whispered, gently prying my tight grip off himself as he pushed me back to gaze into my eyes, “I’m not letting you out of my sight ever again, Y/N, I don’t care what you say—”

“Please don’t leave me, Yunho.” I gasped, words tumbling past my lips before I could stop them, “I can’t live without you, Yunho.”

I was vulnerable, I wasn’t in the right headspace, but I knew my confession was true. I had always suspected it, but I was too afraid to admit it to myself. I was afraid President Snow would kill Yunho like he had killed my family. I didn’t want him around because I was scared to love again, to offer my heart to someone who could crush it so easily both with words and actions. Yunho knew me best and vice versa, I couldn’t live another day not knowing whether he was safe or not. I didn’t want him out of my sight ever again, I just couldn’t lose him too.

“I’m—” Yunho gulped, his voice deep as his eyes shook, jaw clenched tightly, “here.”

I released a shaky breath and leaned forward, pressing our foreheads together, feeling the safest in the past three days. The rustling of leaves made me tense up again and my head whipped around, eyes widening when I realized multiple people were watching us. I felt my cheeks heat up as I tried to scramble out of Yunho’s lap, but his fingers only tightened into the fabric of my jacket and he held my waist tightly, shaking his head at me when I gave him a sharp look. It seemed like he wouldn’t let go of me anytime soon, so I was forced to swallow my shame as I looked back at the other tributes, who seemed to be looking at me with pity. I ignored it, it made me feel weak.

“Those things are vile,” Mingi muttered, his jaw clenched, “But you should be fine the next time you see them if you ignore them.”

“And if you don’t, don’t let them grab you.” Katniss said, her tone harsh but features soft, “Kill them before they can.”

I nodded, eyes falling on the male tribute from District 3, Beetee. He wasn’t looking at me, his eyes trained on the sky as he muttered something to himself, apparently unphased by the whole ordeal. However, when my eyes landed on the fourth person, my heart skipped a beat, and even if Yunho didn’t want to release me, I pried myself out of his arms and ran to Finnick, jumping into his arms as he laughed while twirling me around.

“Finnick.” I whispered into his neck as his laughter subsided into a chuckle, his smile bright as ever as I pulled back, gazing into his beautiful blue eyes, “I found you.”

“Technically, I found you.” Cheeky as ever, he winked before he pressed a wet kiss against my forehead, lowering me back onto the ground. Our fingers intertwined as I couldn’t help but beam at him, my heart still heavy due to everything that’s happened though, “I’m glad you’re fine.”

“Well, I’ve been better.” I muttered as Finnick and I chuckled, swinging around hands as I glanced around, eyebrows furrowing, “Where’s…Mags?”

Finnick’s expression fell and I knew as I felt tears flood my eyes once again. A shaky breath left his lips as I pressed on my tiptoes to pull him into a tight and warm hug, rubbing his back as he hugged me back just as tightly, “I’m sorry, Finnick.”

“She’s in a better place now,” Finnick whispered, sniffing when we pulled apart, his eyes trained on the ground. My jaw clenched but I knew I couldn’t do anything now, just carry the grief with myself and bury it deep down until the Games would be over. Katniss, looking like she wasn’t keen on all the affection, averted her eyes and looked around the forest, pointing towards the creak.

“We should probably set camp here after we have scoped the area out.” Mingi nodded as he went and helped Yunho stand, his eyes trained on Finnick and me. I gulped and only looked away, body tense. I didn’t want to talk to him, I had nothing else to say, not now. I couldn’t believe I had admitted something so personal, something that was supposed to be buried deep down in my heart and mind. I wasn’t ready to face the fact that without Yunho I would be nowhere right now.

“Let’s go.” Yunho sighed, taking the lead with Katniss as I remained glued to Finnick’s side, eager to catch up with him if it meant I could ignore Yunho and his burning stare. I was most certainly grateful that he had saved me, but he was still not someone I could fully trust. Maybe it was all a ploy, an act to earn my trust, only to backstab me later into the Games.

My only true ally was Finnick.

            Something felt different, weird, almost. Beetee was a genius, everyone already knew that, and yet the way his mind works still amazed me. Apparently, the lightning that struck the largest tree in the Arena each time at midnight, could be used to our advantage. Beetee had the resources to create a sort of electrical fire that would leave the Gamemakers no choice but to rescue the remaining victors if they didn’t want the Capitol to riot for not having a victor for the 75th Hunger Games. President Snow wanted a year of epic games? Beetee was right here to deliver and I was more than willing to help him out. Everyone from our small group was in on his plan, and we were planning to strike tonight as everyone remained unassuming about our great plan. There was something else, however, that nobody was telling me about. Katniss Everdeen, the girl on fire, The Mockingjay, seemed to be the nucleus of it all. She had to be protected at all costs and she was supposed to remain on Beetee’s side as long as someone who could fight remained with them. We had to look out for each other and remain close, but I didn’t fully understand why protecting Katniss seemed to be our most important mission.

Nobody tried clearing up my confusion, and when Finnick reassured me that everything would be alright and that he’d have my back no matter what, I decided to stop asking or wondering. Two days had passed since I joined the small group and things had been quiet—a bit too quiet. Nobody had died in the past two days and there was a simmering tension in the Arena, as if the Gamemakers knew we were about to ruin their so-called ‘perfect’ Games. There was nothing perfect about it, it was purely terrifying and torturous, a barbaric form of entertainment as this just proved that the Capitol didn’t see the people from the districts as human beings. That was nothing new, but being forced back into the Arena made me realize once again that I couldn’t let President Snow control me anymore, I was done playing his games.

I wanted the Capitol to burn, I wanted President Snow to die and suffer like so many of us had under his reign. He could’ve been a better president, a better person, but he chose violence, he chose to punish us for something that we, the ones born after the revolution, had nothing to do with. The cycle of life wasn’t always fair, the trauma parents carried with themselves would pass onto their children, who would carry it with them for generations—unless there was just one person who decided to put an end to it. To change, to prosper, to start a new cycle.

That new cycle started with us, with Katniss, Mingi, Yunho, Finnick, Beetee, and me, here, in the Arena, as a form of riot against the oppression we were forced to endure, the pain and grief buried deep in our souls. I have heard about the riots, people in District 7 were loud and proud about taking the Capitol down if given a chance, and it only took me two days to realize why it was only happening now. A spark had been sensed, turning into a catching fire that would reach us all, either burn us or help us return from the ashes as a new person, as a new nation. The pain and anguish would never be forgotten, instead celebrated and honoured in respect to those who have lost their lives to such atrocities. And we would all thank one girl, Katniss Everdeen, who unknowingly gave the nation the spark of hope they desperately needed. I had no idea whether I’d survive whatever was about to go down tonight, but I was sure of one thing, I wouldn’t regret it. Not now, not tomorrow. I was doing it for myself, for my siblings, for my parents, and for everyone else who has suffered as much, or more, than I have. If Panem had to burn, President Snow would burn with us.

The morning passed by in the blink of an eye as we went over our plan once again, assigning partners and positions. I was supposed to stay with Katniss and Beetee, close to Finnick who’d be watching Mingi from afar. Yunho, who refused to separate from me at first, was supposed to go with Mingi until a certain point, and then he’d have to secure the area, map it out and alert us if anything seemed amiss. He’d be the last one, the one furthest from me, and despite the unsettling feeling creeping deep in my guts, I ignored my anxiety and focused on my task at hand. I had to protect Katniss and Beetee if anything were to happen. I was strong and merciless, everyone knew I could handle myself, but if I needed help somehow, then Katniss would be there and even Mingi. They weren’t people I trusted, but something told me nobody in our small group was out there to kill me…not yet, at least, and I could live with that for the time being.

Knowing that we’d need to be at our best, Finnick, Katniss, and Yunho went out to hunt something for lunch so that our bellies would be full for the rest of the day. Because Yunho and Finnick were so liked by many, thankfully we were also provided with various canned foods from the Capitol, their fans were desperately sending in supplies, and letters too, confessing their love and dread that they might not return. It made me chuckle whenever one of them had to read the letters out loud, looking at a camera with a sad, but grateful, expression in order to keep up the façade. We really needed these provisions, they couldn’t ruin their A-game just now. Finnick had returned with plenty of fish from the lake, meanwhile, Katniss and Yunho had opted to hunt for wild ducks and frogs. The meat had been cooked by Mingi and me while Beetee revised the plan over and over again, asking us questions to make sure that we had memorized what we were supposed to do.

Once the food was done and everyone settled down for lunch, the tense air surrounding us seemed to dissipate as we silently ate our meal, relishing in the comradery that’s formed between us. Finnick was by my side as we sat leaning against a tree, sharing a loaf of bread he had gotten from a fan, as he preferred to eat the fish he caught while I continued to eat the frog Yunho had caught for us. Mingi, very surprisingly, had gotten a package filled with nutrients that we hadn’t even heard of before, and while we were wary of consuming them, Beetee reassured us that he knew what these were and that they were safe for consumption as they used the same nutrients in District 3. As my stomach was finally full and I finished eating everything I had claimed, I continued sitting next to Finnick, leaning against his body.

He was warm and smelled like the ocean despite having been away from it for so long, and I had always found solace in the silence that felt comfortable between us. Finnick knew when not to push someone, and I knew when to speak up to cut through the tranquillity, “Do you think we’ll survive this?”

“Yes,” Finnick’s voice was a mere whisper as he scoped up a good chunk of meat and handed it over to me, “I must, for Annie. She lost Mags, I can’t let her lose me too.”

I gulped, all too aware of Annie’s situation as I accepted the fish despite feeling full. It tasted salty almost, so very different from the frog meat, but I think I could get used to it after having it for more meals.

“I have no one to return to,” I muttered under my breath, bringing my knees up to my chest as I let my arms circle them. I gulped, looking down at the dirty ground as the sounds of the other’s conversing became background noise, my mind preoccupied with thoughts of dying, of being alone, of never having been enough.

“That’s simply not true.” Finnick’s voice sounded strained as I felt him shift, gorgeous blue eyes boring into the side of my head, “You have me, and if I make it out alive, I can’t lose you. You’re just as important to me as Annie is, as Mags was. I never had a little sister, but thanks to you I know what it means to have one.”

I chuckled, turning my head so my cheek pressed against my knees, eyes falling on the frown on Finnick’s face, “Technically, I’m older than you. But I understand you, you’re, well, you’ve always been like a brother to me. And I love you, Finnick, I hope you know that. I have no idea what the outcome of our plan will be, but if we both make it out alive, I want to visit District 4. I want to meet Annie and maybe—maybe I’d like living in a house next to yours, maybe I’d like to see the ocean for real and not just through pictures.”

Finnick’s features softened as he placed his palm over my cheek, warm and calloused, offering me much-needed assurance, “I’d love that, and Annie would too. She has always wanted to meet you, but President Snow never allowed it. Which is for the better, honestly, I would’ve hated the thought of Annie at the Capitol. I fear I would’ve done something unforgivable.”

I hummed and nodded as Finnick’s warm palm fell from my face, his head turning as he gazed ahead. He sniffed and then cleared his throat, glancing at me for a brief moment, “But you’re not alone, Y/N. Even if I’m not there, you’re never alone. He’s—Yunho is always there, even when you don’t see it, Y/N. I think—I think you should let him in, he’s not a bad man.”

I gulped, stomach dropping at the mention of Yunho, and I sighed as I sat up straight again, jaw clenching when I averted my eyes from Finnick’s. Just to my luck, however, I spotted Yunho sitting not too far from us. Mingi was sharpening the axe for him as Yunho’s chocolate brown eyes were fixed on Finnick and me, his eyebrows deeply set and his jaw tense. I gulped and then averted my eyes once again, shaking my head with a huff, “He doesn’t know me, not the real me, at least. He only wants the good and pretty, he only sees those qualities in people. Once the perfect image is shattered, he’ll be gone, he’ll abandon me. I don’t want him to lodge himself into my heart when I know just how quickly you can lose someone.”

“You’re scared of loving him,” Finnick’s tone was full of compassion as I felt him look at me, Yunho’s gaze still burning into the side of my head as I gazed off into the distance, feeling nervous all of a sudden, “And you’re drowning in guilt and unspoken questions and feelings, Y/N. I know you don’t trust him, but you already love him, you just refuse to acknowledge the fact, and it’s doing you no good, trust me. I’m afraid too that I’ll lose Annie, I’m terrified of Snow snatching her away from me, but if I refuse to love and live the life I want, then that would mean I am letting Snow dictate my everything, it would mean that I am robbing myself of the pleasures of life. And you know Yunho would never do anything that you are uncomfortable with, no, he’d bring down the stars for you if he could, Y/N. Stop being foolish and—”

“Excuse me.” My body grew rigid as Yunho’s stern voice interrupted Finnick’s heartfelt speech, “Do you mind if I talk to Y/N?”

“Not at all.” Finnick’s smile was friendly as he nudged me, making me clench my jaw as I glanced at Yunho. He stood in front of me, looking down at me with a glare, rather standoffish for a person who was always smiling, happy and oh-so bright. I crossed my arms over my chest and raised an eyebrow.

“Well, talk if you—”

“In private.” Yunho snapped, and before I could react, his firm grip around my bicep was pulling me up to my feet, not even letting me argue as I was tugged away from our camp, but not too far so that we’d be in hearing range if anything were to happen to either them or to us. I pulled my arm out of his grip and glared at him, feeling nervous for no reason as Yunho continued to glare back at me. It was unusual, out of character for him.

“What’s your problem with me?” I did not expect that question, and neither what he said next, “What’s so fucking horrible about me that you go willingly into the arms of the biggest playboy known to Panem, that you find solace and trust in that man when I’ve always been by your side, there for you, offering you a shoulder to lean on, a man you can trust and—and love. What does Finnick have that I don’t, Y/N?! Why do you continuously brush me off and treat me like shit, but then you laugh at anything Finnick says and you look at him with so much adoration, I-I just don’t understand, Y/N. I was there, I was always there, I helped you when you saw no outcome, I was there when you grieved your family, I was there when you struggled with the consequences of winning the Games, I was there even when you continued to push me away! I never stopped trying to make you feel safe, to comfort you and to—show you that it’s okay to open up and that you can love again without being scared of death. Why can’t you just—give back even just a little fraction of my affection?!”

To say that I was stunned was understandable. My face fell in shock and my mouth hung open as Yunho became erratic, his expression a mixture of frustration and helplessness as his eyes shook, his hands curled into fists. I gulped, letting his words settle so that I could answer, but I felt utterly speechless. How was I supposed to respond to something that felt like a confession but a complete scolding as well?

“You don’t understand me like Finnick does,” I gulped, licking my lips as Yunho’s eyebrows furrowed, “And you never will, Yunho, because you were never forced to sell your body unwillingly to men that only saw you as a piece of meat. Physical closeness, intimacy—it scares me because I’ve only suffered from it. I’ve never felt the loving touch of a man, no loving words were ever uttered to me, and I was told more often than not that I didn’t deserve love, that I was too rough and scary, too intimidating and manly for a man to love me despite being beautiful. Finnick, he knows what it feels like to be used, to do things you don’t want to out of fear of losing someone. And even if this wasn’t the issue, Yunho, how could I trust you when you’ve tried to kill me?”

“What?” Yunho seemed shaken, his voice breathy as he reached out just to let his hand drop before he could grip my wrist, “What are you talking about—I have never tried to kill you, why would I—”

“Seriously?” I snapped, sudden anger flaring deep in my bones, “You’re still going to act clueless when I call you out on it? Think, Yunho, think for one second for fucks sake! You were supposed to be my mentor, the person that looks out for me, that protects me and helps me win these fucking Games, yet you send in food that’s poisoned?!”

Yunho looked like he had no idea what I was talking about and I scoffed, stepping closer to him as my jaw clenched, “District 6, the female tribute, I was cornered three days before my Games came to an end, and I was hungry. You sent me a package but I couldn’t reach it and it landed between the tributes that were hounding me. The girl decided to eat what was sent for me—she died in four minutes, Yunho.”

And just then, recognition finally flashed in Yunho’s eyes, but it didn’t last for long as suddenly he seemed to look desperate, grabbing my wrists as he shook his head, “It wasn’t food, it was never food, Y/N. If you had seen the small letter, you would’ve known it was poison from the get-go. It said, ‘sweet like honey’, and you know what we use that for in District 7, you would’ve known. I was trying to help you, I knew you’d survive, I was never trying to kill, why would I—I’m in love with you, Y/N. I wasn’t back then yet, but I-I knew I couldn’t watch you die in that Arena.”

My mind was reeling. I gulped, suddenly feeling my lungs constrict as Yunho’s grip felt like it was burning my wrists. I pried them away and took a step back, gulping as my hands started shaking. I have been living in a lie this whole time. I have made myself believe that Yunho was the enemy, that Yunho wanted me gone. I took a shaky breath and gulped again, watching as sadness spread over Yunho’s features like wildfire. His features softened as I felt my heart ache more, disbelief written all over my face. Why had I been so stupid? Why did I let Snow make me believe anything he said?

Why was I so afraid to lose Yunho?

            Nightfall came sooner than before. The tension was back and I felt sick to my stomach. Something felt wrong the longer we trekked, the closer we came to the tree. Everyone was silent, focused on our surroundings and making sure we weren’t being followed by any other tributes. But something was very wrong and I just couldn’t ignore the feeling anymore as I released a shaky breath, my eyes settling on Yunho who was walking in front of me with Mingi by his side, huddled closely together as they conversed quietly. Finnick’s pinkie was laced with mine as he swung our hands between our bodies, I ignored his playful smile when he pretended to stumble on a rock. I needed to speak to Yunho, nothing made sense anymore. I haven’t said anything since he told me he never tried killing me, and Yunho was keen on offering me space as he remained by Mingi’s side, occasionally giving me a soft smile if he noticed me looking his way.

Bothered by the incessant tension in my body, the gut feeling that something would go very wrong, I marched forward and grabbed Yunho’s wrist, making him halt in surprise. Finnick glanced at us as he passed by us and then grabbed Mingi’s shoulder when he stopped to wait for us, whispering something to the taller one before Mingi walked with Finnick again. My heart was thundering in my chest as I gulped, my eyes boring into Yunho’s as it was dark in the arena, yet his chocolate brown eyes were unmistakable.

“Are you okay?” Yunho asked with a gentle tone, letting his axe drop to the ground as he stepped closer, eyebrows slightly furrowed.

“No.” I gulped, tone shaky as I glanced past Yunho, at the others who hadn’t noticed our absence yet, “Something is wrong, Yunho, I don’t have a good feeling about this. What—what if we die? Yet worse, what if the Capitol captures us and we—we never see each other again? Yunho, I—I don’t want to do this. Let’s find another way, let’s run away, let’s—”

“Y/N.” Yunho's smile was gentle as he stepped even closer, cupping my cheek with his big palm, leaning slightly down, “We can’t run away, and it’s completely normal to be scared of the unknown. I’m nervous too, but remember, we are doing this to make a statement, to show them that they can’t mess with us anymore. If Katniss manages to pull this off, we’ll be free. We’ll go home and we…we’ll see what happens next, okay?”

No, he didn’t understand. We wouldn’t go home, something just didn’t feel right. It was too dangerous, too risky, what were the odds our plan would be successful when there were other tributes still in the Arena with us?

“It just doesn’t feel right.”

“But we’re doing the right thing.”

I exhaled, jaw tense as I looked up into Yunho’s eyes, stepping closer until our chests were almost brushing together, “Then don’t let them separate us.”

“What?” Yunho’s eyebrows furrowed, his gulp audible as his fingers flexed around my wrist. I released a shaky breath and licked my lips, hesitant to touch Yunho, but I managed to grab the side of his neck, his skin soft and warm to the touch.

“Yunho, I’m asking you to stay by my side no matter what happens.” My tone was firm as he gulped, his eyes searching my face, “I can’t—I’ve been afraid, all this fucking time unknowingly, of losing you. And when we are so close to being free, of exploring whatever could be between us, I—I’m scared that Snow will find a way to snatch you away from me, so please, don’t let go of me. Don’t let me out of your sight, don’t walk away, I know I’m a horrible person, but I’m asking you to hold on just a little more and—”

“Y/N.” Yunho’s sharp tone cut my rambling off, and I gulped, on the verge of tears as I realized just how afraid I was. He didn’t say anything else as our eyes bore into each other’s, he just gulped, jaw clenched and then, he started leaning down, closer and closer, until—our lips touched.

And I don’t think I have felt euphoria like this one in my whole life before. The sounds around us seemed to become mute as my legs felt weak, my body melting into Yunho’s as I didn’t waste any more seconds and pressed up on my tiptoes, circling my arms around his shoulders to pull him incredibly close. Yunho’s lips were warm and soft despite our circumstances and I felt a shudder rake my body when his hand slowly slipped into my hair, holding the back of my head firmly as we parted for a second. His other hand grabbed my waist and as my eyes opened, I realized I wanted this. I wanted Yunho to hold me, to touch me, to kiss me. I wanted to be in his embrace and I wanted to feel his scent on me, I wanted his warmth to envelope my body, and I wanted him to shield me from this cruel world forever. Words that were heavy threatened to tumble past my lips, so instead, I closed the gap again and this time I made sure my intentions weren’t questionable, or hesitant, but full of passion and unspoken words.

Yunho was intense in everything he did, he laughed with his whole body, and he loved with his whole heart, whenever he did something, he put his all into it and his kiss was no different. His lips were demanding as they moved against mine, a little bit frantic as we were pressed by time, and even more desperate when I let my lips part for him, a silent request for him to deepen the kiss. I wanted him to know that I desired him, that it was completely fine to touch me and enjoy our actions. Yunho whimpered as he took my bottom lip between his teeth, and I felt warmth crawl all over my body, settling in my cheeks as my whole face felt like it was burning up. I had never enjoyed a kiss before in my life, but I prayed this would never end. When Yunho’s tongue finally slipped past my lips and reached my own tongue, I wished there was something to support my weight, to ground me into reality as I lost all senses, body and mind alive in a way I had never experienced before. It was careful, but it was intense and demanding, yet I didn’t feel pressured nor disgusted as saliva pooled in the corner of my mouth, fingers tangling into Yunho’s hair at his nape.

As his tongue played with mine and Yunho’s loud puffs of air hit my face, I moaned, unable to keep the sound down when I felt his fingers digging through my tight suit, fingernails leaving dents in my body. I wanted him to mark me up, I wanted him to show the whole Capitol that I was his, that no trashy man could ever again touch me, that President Snow couldn’t do to us anything anymore because we’d always have each other’s backs. I wanted Yunho’s mouth on mine for an eternity, never growing tired of him and his passionate kisses. Our noses bumped together when I tilted my head slightly more, giving Yunho more access as my heart thundered in my chest, so powerful that I could hear it in my ears. It was consuming, Yunho’s love was scary as it swallowed me whole, but I was greedy and I needed more. I had been a fool, such a fool, to deny us this feeling, this moment, this experience. It was too late to go further, even if I threw all dignity away, I knew we couldn’t, but I hoped it wasn’t too late for us. For us to have this in the future, to love and to be loved.

I gasped as we parted again. Yunho was loudly panting as his eyebrows furrowed, cupping my cheeks with both hands as his fingers dug into my skin painfully. A shuddered breath left my lips as I blinked my eyes open, gulping as I copied him, holding his cheeks tenderly as Yunho’s bottom lip quivered, nuzzling his cheek against my hold. He looked at peace, but the furrow of his eyebrows told me that he wasn’t satisfied, that he was bothered by something. In a hopeless attempt to offer him just a fraction of the comfort he’d given me throughout the years, I pressed a kiss to each eye, then to his nose, and a swift peck to his lips. It made Yunho smile as his eyes opened, shining in the dark affectionately as I felt a lump in my throat. It was scary to allow him in, but I was done hiding, I was done fearing the unknown.

“When we’re out of here,” Yunho gulped, determined as his eyes melted into mine, “I’m going to marry you.”

I would’ve gasped if I could’ve, but I was too stunned to even react as he kissed me again before we heard Mingi call out our names. We didn’t have time for this right now, but we’d have plenty in the future. I wasn’t ready to marry Yunho just yet, but with time, I was sure I’d be able to fully trust him, to give my all to him.

“Just don’t let me go,” I whispered as Yunho very reluctantly released me, our hands finding each other as our fingers intertwined, a motion I was used to but found something new in it now. It wasn’t just for show, it wasn’t just to show me that I had someone next to me, it was to seal our promise and tell me that Yunho wasn’t going anywhere.

            Beetee’s plan failed. Someone had sabotaged us, the wire had been cut, and the lightning wouldn’t bring the Arena down. We were stuck here, forced to kill each other, forced to choose between two people I loved and myself. Katniss looked frantic from my spot, I was watching her from the bush just as planned. Electricity was gathering in the air, tension filling the Arena as the lightning prepared to strike. Katniss was too close to the tree, hell, even I was too close to it, but Katniss was in danger right now and she wasn’t moving away. I could hear rustling coming from behind but it was supposed to be Finnick, I wasn’t worried about it. Just as the sky became lighter, energy crackling above our heads, Katniss did something I never thought anyone would do. She grabbed the wire and tied it to her arrow, standing up strong and tall as she pulled it back, her eyes set on the lightning that was just about to strike her. As I was about to shout her name and tackle her to save her from her insane plan, it was too late. The lightning struck as the arrow shot straight at it, the wire frying off and sizzling as a deafening boom shook the arena.

The blast was so strong that I couldn’t react before the explosion sent me flying feet away from my initial spot, my back cracking when I hit a tree. My spine tingled in pain as I fell to the ground, groaning and wheezing for air as my body trembled from the shock of the hit, panic rising in my disoriented state. I couldn’t hear as my ears were ringing, and my vision was so hazy it made me sick and unable to stand as I tried to find my footing, instantly tumbling back to the ground. Then, something even worse happened. The darkness of the Arena was slowly disappearing as the sky cracked and tore into heavy metal pieces that were plummeting straight at us. I knew I was in danger, and I knew both Yunho and Finnick were too. I pushed myself up and ignored the aching of my body as I heaved for air again, crawling on my fours towards where I knew Finnick was at. But I didn’t get any far when I was tackled back onto the ground, Mingi’s blurry face appearing above me. I panicked, trying to find my axe, but I was so powerless that it was easy for him to get on top of me and press a hand against my mouth as I tried to scream for help. His forehead was bloody and the top of his suit torn, jacket long lost somewhere in the Arena. His bow and arrow were missing and were replaced with a knife he held menacingly.

I gasped against his sweaty palm when I felt a sharp pain in my lower arm, close to my veins, somewhere close to where the tracker had been injected. I screamed against Mingi’s palm when the knife was twisted into my skin, feeling warm blood trickle down to my wrist and hands, a burning feeling spreading up my arm, to my shoulders. And then, as fast as he came, Mingi was gone, running off into the distance as my body convulsed, shaking even more as I turned onto my back, pieces of the Arena’s roof shaking the ground as they fell around the forest. I was petrified, I was disoriented and my throat wouldn’t work as I tried to call for Yunho, frantically getting up to my feet to look for him. I stumbled into every possible tree and almost slipped on the weeds as I went downhill, searching for the one man who’s always been there for me. I couldn’t abandon him, not now, not ever. But when I finally found him, it wasn’t the way I hoped to be.

Yunho lay on the ground, unmoving and sickly pale as blood trickled down the corner of his mouth, coating the collar of his jacket and suit a deep red. I could faintly hear myself call out his name again and again, feet carrying me over quickly, only to tumble to the ground and bruise my body more, but at least Yunho seemed to stir awake. His eyebrows were furrowed as his eyes opened and he clutched at his chest with a pained expression. I scrambled to get to him, but the ground shook and my legs were so weak I couldn’t stand again. I felt tears in my eyes and dread grip my heart as Yunho turned onto his side, coughing and spitting up some more blood.

“Yunho!” A scream so shrill my ears rang left my lips, and he finally seemed to realize he wasn’t alone as his eyes snapped up, rounding when he noticed me. I couldn’t hear him as I tried to drag myself over, feeling nauseous and on the verge of passing out, but it looked like he was saying something, like he was calling out to me. And then, the ground shook another time and I lunged myself forward as the light in Yunho’s eyes dimmed, his hand extended towards me as I fell not far from him, reaching out desperately towards him. Our fingers touched as dark spots started coating my vision and I gasped for air, fighting against the urge to give in to the darkness, waiting to aid Yunho, but I couldn’t. As blinding light flooded the whole Arena, the roof completely caving in, all I could do was mutter a prayer to see Yunho once I woke up again. If I’d wake up.

The next time I was conscious again, however, what I heard despite the unbearable headache and the dull ache of my spine, didn’t sound at all good, nor reassuring, “Katniss, there is no District Twelve.” And all I could think about was, where is Yunho?

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[meazalykov]

overstimulated

lea schüller x adhd!anxiety!reader

summary: it might feel like the world is ending for you, but lea is there is help.

warnings: tiny angst, the "downsides" to adhd!!, mentions of medicine, anxiety, I hope you enjoy.

it’s game day, and you’re a tangled mess of thoughts before the alarm even goes off. the energy of your mind that courses through you every morning feels magnified today, like your brain can’t decide if it’s excited or terrified. 

the champions league second leg against arsenal in london. a big match, sure, but after last month’s win, it should feel lighter, easier.

yet, your chest feels tight, your mind replaying every mistake you could possibly make, every way you might fall short. 

your foot taps against the floor as you sit on the edge of the bed, staring at your packed kit bag in the hotel room, unable to remember if you double checked the contents. 

you should feel confident. that first leg game was your best game in months. a goal and three assists.. people were raving about you, calling you a maestro. even your teammates had hugged you extra tight after the final whistle. 

yet, instead of holding onto that joy, your brain latched onto the thought that today won’t be the same. maybe you’ve peaked. maybe that was your limit. maybe today, you’ll mess up so badly that everyone will see through you, see how different you’ve always been.

lea stirs beside you, her sleepy voice pulling you out of your spiral. 

“baby, you’re tapping.” her hand reaches for yours, warm and grounding, wrapping around your restless fingers. 

“what’s going on?” 

you glance at her, your beautiful girlfriend, her soft blonde hair sticking up in places from sleep. she’s everything you wish you could see in yourself..kind, patient, steady. you hesitate, feeling a lump rise in your throat. 

how do you explain that it’s not just the game, not just the usual pre-match nerves? it’s the way your adhd always seems to betray you, even now, even after years of managing it. 

“just... thinking about the match,” you mumble, not meeting her eyes. 

lea’s not fooled, of course. she sits up, resting her chin on your shoulder, her voice soothing. 

“you have been amazing this season so far, and you’ll be amazing today. i know you feel a lot, but you’re not alone in this, okay?”

the blonde’s words should comfort you, and they do, a little. however, there’s that nagging voice in the back of your mind, whispering that you’re doing too much. too hyper when you’re happy, too irritable when overstimulated, too anxious all the time.

even with medication, even with years of practice, there are moments where it feels like your adhd is this shadow you can’t shake, this weight you can’t stop carrying.

the morning drags on in a blur. breakfast is a struggle..you can’t focus on the food in front of you, too busy replaying different scenarios in your head. what if you misplace a pass? what if you lose your marker? what if arsenal turns this match into a nightmare? 

lea’s presence helps, her gentle reminders to eat, to breathe, to focus on the present. she kisses your temple before you leave for the stadium, her lips lingering like she’s pouring all her love into you. 

“you’ve got this,” she says, her voice firm and full of belief. 

“no matter what happens, i’m so proud of you.”

on the bus to the stadium, you sit quietly, headphones on but not really listening to the music. your teammates chatter around you, relaxed and confident. you wish you could feel that way, but your heart races as the bus pulls closer. you zone out, daydreaming about the many scenarios that could take place today. 

stepping off the bus, the noise from outside grows, the chants echoing in your chest. you keep your head down, clutching your bag tightly as you follow the others inside. the locker room is its own storm of energy…laughter, shouts, the clatter of cleats on the floor. 

it’s a lot. you’re a lot. or at least, that’s how it feels. you try to center yourself, focusing on the routine: tape your wrists, lace your boots, warm up. the yelling in your head doesn’t stop, your thoughts racing faster with every passing second.

when warmups start, you feel the weight of the stadium’s gaze. every pass, every touch of the ball feels scrutinized, even though it’s just practice. you can hear the fans chanting, cheering, and it’s both exhilarating and overwhelming. 

your heart pounds, the familiar ache of doubt creeping in. the last game against arsenal feels like a distant memory now, like it happened to someone else entirely. you’re not sure if you’re ready for this.  

you catch lea’s eye from where she’s sitting on the bench, her hands cupped around her mouth as she shouts something you can’t quite make out. however, her smile…it’s the same soft, steady smile she always gives you, the one that says she sees you, really sees you, and loves you anyway. 

it’s the only thing that makes you feel like maybe, just maybe, you’ll be okay.

well, 

you were not. 

the second half started much like the first…fast-paced, intense, and frustratingly scoreless. you were holding your own defensively, shutting down arsenal’s dangerous counters from players like beth and emily, but the anxiety bubbling in your chest wouldn’t settle. 

the bayern teammates of yours were playing well, yet it wasn’t enough to quiet the chaos in your head. the noise from the crowd, the shouts from the sidelines, even the sharp sound of cleats striking the ball…it all felt amplified, like the world was pressing down on you slowly and with torture. 

your adhd had been a constant companion for as long as you could remember, but today, it felt like it was running the show. every sound, every movement on the pitch seemed to pull at your focus, scattering your thoughts like a broken puzzle. 

one moment you were tracking arsenal’s number nine, the next your mind was stuck replaying a missed pass from ten minutes ago. even when you tried to shake it off, the nagging voice in your head wouldn’t stop: 

what if i am not good enough? what if this match proves it?

you tightened your jaw, forcing yourself to stay in the game. your body felt overstimulated, like your nerves were on high alert. the fabric of your jersey clung uncomfortably to your skin, the sweat dripping down your face stinging your eyes. 

it wasn’t just the physical discomfort; it was the weight of your own thoughts. they moved too fast, too loud, colliding in a whirlwind you couldn’t control. 

why can’t i just focus? why can’t i just be normal?

then came the clash with katie. it was the 80th minute, and arsenal had just launched another attack. you’d been frustrated all game, and katie had been particularly aggressive. 

when you collided mid-sprint, her shoulder digging into yours, it felt like a spark hitting dry kindling. the shove she gave you wasn’t unexpected..katie was known for her temper among the community. 

however, your reaction was. without thinking, you shoved her back, harder than you meant to. the force sent her stumbling, nearly to the ground.

the whistle blew sharp and loud, cutting through the noise of the game. suddenly, players from both teams surrounded you, their voices rising in protest. your heart pounded as you tried to explain yourself, but your words came out tangled. 

you weren’t like this. you were one of the the sweet ones, the calm one. this wasn’t you…but it was. your frustration, your overstimulation, your inability to control the buzzing chaos in your head,

it had boiled over. 

lea was there, her voice clear amidst the chaos. 

“hey! calm down!” she shouted, not just at the others but at you too. the blonde’s presence grounded you for a moment, but the panic was already setting in. your chest felt tight, your mind spinning faster than ever. you told yourself it would be fine, that things would calm down, but another part of your brain whispered the opposite. 

what if this ruins everything? what if they see me as a problem now?

the match ended 1-1, and relief washed over you, though it was fleeting. the whistle’s final blow signaled the end, but your thoughts refused to let go. 

you sank to the grass, pulling your knees up and burying your head in your hands. the world felt too big, too loud. your breath hitched as you fought back tears, your fingers curling into the blades of grass beneath you.

you felt someone’s hand on your back just a minute later..

klara knelt beside you, her voice soft. 

“hey, come on, let’s get inside.” her touch was gentle as she helped you up, guiding you toward the locker room. you didn’t resist, too drained to argue.

 once inside, away from the noise, you leaned against a wall, feeling the weight of everything crash down on you.

“don’t tell lea,” you said, your voice barely above a whisper. 

“please, just let her talk to obi or someone else. she doesn’t need to worry about me.” 

klara frowned, hesitating. 

“you know she’ll kill me if I don’t tell her that you’re not okay. you’re her whole world, y/n.”

you sighed, defeated. 

“fine. just… don’t make it a big deal.”

as if on cue, exactly one minute after klara left, lea jogged into the locker room, her eyes scanning until they landed on you. she rushed to your side, crouching in front of you. 

“what’s going on? klara said you weren’t okay.” her voice was soft, but her concern was clear.

you opened your mouth to respond, but the words caught in your throat. the tears you’d been holding back spilled over, and you hated it. you hated feeling this vulnerable, hated not knowing why you felt so out of control. 

“i don’t know,” you choked out. 

“lea i really do not know! my mind… it won’t stop. it’s like i can’t slow it down, and i hate it. i hate this.”

lea pulled you into her arms, her hold firm but soothing. 

“it’s okay, baby. let it out. i’m here. you’re safe. its just us right now.”

as you sobbed into her shoulder, a thought struck you like lightning. 

“did i even take my medicine this morning?” you asked aloud, your voice shaky. your stomach dropped as realization dawned. 

“fuck,” you muttered. “i left it in munich. lea, i’m so sorry. i’m such an idiot.”

she pulled back slightly, her hands cupping your face. 

“hey, stop. you’re not an idiot. it happens. we’ll get through this, okay? tomorrow we’ll be on the plane home, and you can take it then. tonight, you just need to rest.”

lea’s voice was like a balm, calming the storm in your mind. she pressed her forehead to yours, her thumbs brushing away your tears. 

“you’re not alone in this. i’ve got you.”

she kissed the top of your forehead, as if to kiss the chaos in your mind away. your thoughts were cooling down, not so much as you tap your boot on the ground rapidly, but at least you had your lea– the woman who loved you regardless of yourself being ashamed for being neurodivergent. 

author's note: I kind of wrote this for myself as someone with both anxiety and adhd (and sometimes cannot tell the difference in my symptoms).

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