#i have a lot of feelings about kimchay

[the-cookie-of-doom]

Here is my role reversal AU where the Kittisawats are the powerful mafia family, and the Theerapanyakuls are the poor brothers cousins trying to survive. Also they’re all sex workers. 

Tankhun is the overworked and overstressed eldest trying to take care of his family. Korn is a sick old man, likely to die any day now, and Gun is their shady, unreliable uncle who takes advantage of his brother’s failing health and the boys for his own gain. He’s part of a low-level gang; robberies, muggings, minor car theft. Nothing that would get the attention of actual organized criminals. A scumbag. 

Kinn and Vegas are the primary supports. Tankhun does his best, but he’s got his own trauma to work through. Kinn is the bartender fucking patrons for extra tips; Vegas is just a prostitute, and he doesn’t try to hide it. He also deals drugs on the side, and sometimes is forced into helping with Gun’s crimes. First as a lookout when he was young, then as an active participant. Kinn and Khun both fight with him about his methods. Kinn, because he thinks Vegas is reckless, getting involved with his father like that. He won’t be able to avoid the police forever if he keeps engaging in violent crime. Vegas thinks none of them can afford to be scrupulous with their morals, and none of them can deny that he delivers. 

Tankhun, a former prostitute himself, until he was kidnapped and… had a bad time… scolds Vegas for being so reckless with his own sex work. He’s terrified of anyone in his family going through the same things he did. Now he’s agoraphobic as hell, terrified of strangers, and only manages to pull himself together for the sake of his family. He still does sexwork, but now he’s just a camboy; there isn’t much else he can do that doesn’t require him to leave the house, when he’s a college drop-out with no qualifications or marketable skills. 

Kim’s bright plan was to become a YouTube sensation, get famous, and make it so none of his family ever has to work again. It doesn’t pan out quite that way. He does have and maintain a channel for his music, sharing recording equipment with Tankhun, but it’s small time. He does have a significant amount of subscribers; between that and his patreon, it’s not enough to live off of, but it’s enough for him to put himself through school. Anything extra he gets goes towards his family; Tankhun always tries to protest, but Kim can see the way some of the tension leaves his eyes when he doesn't have to worry about the month’s bills. Unlike the elder cousins, the closest Kim ever comes to sex work is playing his guitar shirtless on his patreon. Maybe a couple times people have offered to pay him for ~extra services~, but he just can’t bring himself to do it. 

Macau is still in high school. He tutors people for extra cash (read: does their assignments for a hefty fee) and helps Kim edit his music/videos. Wants to be a DJ someday. The two of them are close, as the babies of the family. Closer than Kim is to his own brothers, but the same can’t be said for Vegas; he and Macau are thick as thieves. 

One day Kinn gets a job as a personal bartender. He doesn’t bother trying to hide that he’s working for Porsche Kittisawat, and Kim isn’t shy about calling him a kept boy. He doesn’t begrudge his brother the choices he makes, he just wishes Kinn didn’t have to make them. Kinn puts up a good front, but Kim knows the craves the intimacy of a lasting relationship. He’s desperate for something real. To love and be loved. Kim is too jaded to stake any belief in finding something like that. 

Then he meets Chay. 

Chay is actually a fan of his. A very generous fan who regularly makes sizeable donations. Kim owes his upgraded recording equipment to Chay’s generosity, though he has no idea who his online benefactor is. 

Kim is local talent. Sometimes he gets called to play small shows every once in a blue moon. Kinn is pretty good at pulling the strings to get Kim booked at his club, courtesy of Porsche, who’s really making the offer on Chay’s behalf. It’s how Kim ends up meeting Chay. Not that he makes the connection. 

Chay is in the crowd, watching him with more interest than he thinks he’s earned. Kim thinks it’s regular attraction, the kind he’s used to. Used to it dropping off when people get to see the real him too; his pretty face isn’t enough to make up for his ugly life, especially when his personality isn’t enough to act as a buffer. Kim buys him a drink after the show anyway. They talk, they flirt, Chay admits to being a fan, which is nice. Kim’s never been recognized before. 

They start seeing each other. Kim still doesn’t connect Chay ro Kinn or to his favorite subscriber. Thanks to Kinn (and Chay’s) efforts, he keeps doing shows. Gets booked for better clubs as he proves himself able to handle it. He doesn't want to know what it cost his brother; he hopes it’s not too much, and Kinn always assures him he’s fine. He seems to mean it, and Kim is just selfish enough not to question it if it means his dream coming true. He starts promoting his shows online, and Chay is there at every one. Pretty soon that leads to seeing each other outside of shows, too, then going on dates. 

It’s building towards something. But before they can fall over that edge, Kim finds out about everything. The mafia, Chay’s subscription, Chay getting him these shows. All but paying for him. Kim is devastated. He knew better than to trust Chay from the start, it was too good to be true, and now look at what’s happened. 

He goes to his family. 

Tankhun, shrewd as ever, tells him it doesn’t change anything just because he knows now. Vegas, ruthless, tells him to use Chay for everything he’s worth until the money dries up. Macau thinks it’s romantic; that Chay admired him from afar, only for them to meet by chance and fall in love. Except they didn’t meet by chance, and Kim isn’t in love. 

Kinn understands, though. Kim didn’t expect him to. He didn’t give his brother enough credit. He thought Kinn would be like Vegas and Khun. Instead he tells Kim to follow his heart. He knows Kim isn’t like them, isn’t built for the kind of life where he can set aside his feelings and use someone else for his own gain. He’s too much of an artist for that. 

Kim tells all of this to Chay, who says that he doesn’t want to buy Kim, either. If Kim doesn’t return his feelings, that’s okay. They can go back to the way they were. They can be friends, or Chay can just be an anonymous name on a screen. He wants to be with Kim, but he doesn’t want to pay Kim to pretend with him. 

It’s exactly what Kim needed to hear. 

[kimkhimhant]

there's something about... Kim hides his pain and fear from others, and he also hides his genuine joy. he only expresses it when no one can see it, at least from what we see in the show

he only lets other people see the parts of him that are curated just for them to see. and it protects him, obviously, by not showing vulnerability to people who could weaponize it. but it also means that, he isn't able to share the good feelings with anyone either. he is alone in both his pain and his genuine joy

[wiccawrites]

Dragon!Porsche, the deity who has been guarding a perilous mountain range for almost a thousand years now. He's bound to these mountains – the result of a curse he placed on himself centuries ago, when his own foolishness led to the death of his own brother.

Porsche keeps to himself; is careful that the occasional caravan of traders or group of bandits doesn't know he's there. He does send his pet tigers after the bandits sometimes, if he sees they're the especially bloodthirsty kind who won't spare innocent lives but he makes sure his presence is undetected.

Solitude is his penance.

He's spending another evening watching the stars when he hears ruckus coming from a nearby pass. There is screaming, but not the terrified kind that Porsche has gotten used to. Instead, it sounds like an argument.

"I can't let you do this!"

"How did you even follow me? I took the fastest stallion here!"

"Would you please stop changing the topic? Your Highness. You seriously cannot be trusting some half-crazed old man's advice on how to save the kingdom."

Kingdom?

Porsche knows there's a human settlement on the other side of these mountains. Or at least, it had been a settlement centuries ago. He and Porchay used to slip into their human forms and visit there, under the guise of travelers.

Was that settlement the same kingdom these two humans were referring to? It could be. The number of traders passing by these mountains had grown significantly over the centuries.

Out of curiosity, Porsche follows the sound of their voices.

"If it can save the kingdom, I'll take advice regardless of who it comes from."

"What if it doesn't work? You'll bleed out and die!"

"I've instructed Arm to distribute rations to our people. Ships and caravans are ready. Pete will lead our men. Kim has already planned an escape route that will guarantee the survival of most of our people."

Porsche is close enough that he can see two figures -- a man and what sounds like a boy barely breaking into adulthood. The man has his back turned to Porsche but the fine quality of his clothes are certainly fit for a royal. His broad frame hides the face of the person he's talking to from Porsche's line of sight.

Porsche is close enough that he can hear the man's voice grow soft.

"It will be difficult, but I trust my brother to lead our people. He'll take care of you, so please look after him for me too."

"No. I won't do it. No. Please, Your Highness. Please don't do this. Please. You can escape with us."

"The moon is almost at it's peak. You should go."

That it is.

The moon is full tonight and she lends her light to the darkness. It's thanks to her that Porsche sees the blade glisten in the man's hands, hidden behind his back.

The boy tries to plead some more, but he runs out of time.

As soon as the moon rises to its highest point in the sky, the man pushes the boy away. He turns around, slices his palm with the dagger and lets his blood drip into the earth before turning the knife towards himself.

The metallic scent blood fills the air and Porsche looks on in regret as he hears familiar words uttered into the night before the man finishes what he'd set out to do.

The thing about being nigh immortal is being able to witness the stories about you turn into tales, which then turn into lore, that somehow evolves into a legend. To this man's credit, he does have his facts right.

Had Porsche been a weaker deity, a selfless blood sacrifice made at the height of the full moon would have bound him.

But Porsche is much more powerful than that.

He watches as the man falls to the ground, a pool of his own blood already beginning to form around him.

"P'Kinn!"

The man's companion rushes to his side and Porsche freezes in place as he sees tears flow down the boy's face.

No. It can't be.

Porsche is stepping closer to get a good look of the boy's face before he can even think about throwing a glamor on himself. He steps on a branch that snaps loud enough for the boy to look up, red-rimmed doe eyes the exact same as they had been nine hundred years ago.

"Please," the boy's voice wavers as he begs, completely oblivious to the fact that Porsche had never been unable to deny him anything since they were born. "Please save him."

Without even thinking about the consequences – the bond he'd be forming with a virtual stranger, the life force that he'd be sharing with someone who he wasn't even sure was worthy saving, the target he'd be placing on all their backs if the wrong people found out – Porsche takes the dagger and gives in to his brother's request.

(Later, when the three of them are safely in Porsche's home, the man he'd saved wakes up. His name is Kinn, and he is the king of the relatively small but prosperous kingdom nearby. There is an invasion brewing and all plans of negotiation have failed.

"They will need to pass through these mountains if they want to get to us. Please, protect us."

"Done."

"You won't ask for anything in return?"

Porsche holds up his hand, shows Kinn the fresh scar on his palm.

"You've already paid the price. You're a king, aren't you? The ritual you performed binds you to me. As I am bound to these mountains, so shall you be."

"You're saying I'm your slave and I can't leave this place," Kinn says grimly. Porsche nods, lets him assume the worst; hopes this interpretation of the bond will keep Kinn as far away from him as possible . "For how long?"

"This is not a bond that can easily break."

"Will you keep protecting the kingdom?"

Porsche sneaks a glance at Kinn's attendant. The boy called Chay, who was currently napping beside one of Porsche's tigers.

"Sure, why not?"

"Then so be it.")

[divorcedmalewife]

Porchay hates the compound. He hates its extravagance. It all feels cold, unattached, and oppressive. Even the gorgeous views can’t make up for the atmosphere of the compound. There is a constant feeling of being watched, being quietly observed, which is probably the most unsettling to Porchay. Well, the most unsettling feeling. The most unsettling thing in the compound, in Chay’s opinion, is Korn Theerpanyakul.

[currentlylivingonaprayer]

my top favorite kimchay fanfics

In no particular order

(Even though nobody asked)

~~~

https://archiveofourown.org/works/40707996

dancing with our hands tied by MajorinMonster

After Chay gets jumped by a rival mafia gang he decides he needs a reputation so people won't touch him again. Kim is just there, trying to get back into chays good books.

9/10 recommend

~~~

https://archiveofourown.org/series/3061830

The idiots & idioms series by snickerdoodlles

Chay steals kims official wik account and post absolute unhinged things. Kim does nothing to stop him.

A must read for giggles

~~~

https://archiveofourown.org/works/45252880

Five Minutes by littlemisslawyer

Chays is a doctor and has been sent out of Thailand for many years. The day he comes back and wants nothing more than to take a break from work Kim has the audacity to get shot right in front of him.

Lots of cussing and chay calling kim 'pretty boy' and 'asshole/bastard'. Perfect

~~~

https://archiveofourown.org/works/43953225

Idolistic by ditchlilly

Wik centric fic. Kim likes to post false information of himself from a side account and chay somehow know what of the things he says are true or false. Kim gets suspicious and tries to find out who this boy is.

Lots of TENSION. And kittens. I absolutely love this one. Stayed awake till 3 am giggling so much I thought I would wake my family up. A must read. Definitely in my top 2.

~~~

https://archiveofourown.org/works/50830555

Progression by Azile (WitnessMarks)

Porchay trains to becomes stronger after their break up, kim, meanwhile, doesn't handel it well and then gets kidnapped. Chay is one of the people to come to his rescue. Kim comes back quite damaged and chay is one of the only people he feels really comfortable being around. Both of them are confronted with their still existing feelings for the other.

absolute masterpiece. Read in one sitting, even though it's still updating. Can only recommend. This story is batteling with Idolistic for first place.

~~~

https://archiveofourown.org/series/3489094

The KIM IS SO LOVED series by wayupthere

No comment. Read the tags, you'll know what it's about.

~~~

https://archiveofourown.org/works/45749062

Idle Talk by Iamabudgie

After someone posts a blind item on a gossip site, Kim is forced to confront something he has been delaying for months.

Absolutely amazing. Much deeper plot than you think when you first start it. Updates are months apart, but they deliver every time. Definitely in my top 3.

~~

Edit:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/52988125

I Fell for You by @liesineyes

Kims family treats him like absolute shit. Chay and Porsche just want to find out out why, while also planning to show Kim real family love.

Love this story. Not many chapters yet, but beautiful and makes me sad and happy at the same time.

~~

Edit edit:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/52593382

BREAKING NEWS by Pens

https://archiveofourown.org/works/48575617

Back on the Beat by Pens

It's kimchay works, with the most beautiful fanart I've ever seen and it makes my cheeks ache form smiling.

Also check out their tumbler account @shou-jpeg for more kimchay content.

~~

and of course the overall classics like an elegant mechanism by Laughsalot3412, or meet me where the light greets the dark by froginthesun.

I know some of these authors are here on tumbler, but I habe no idea how to tag them in a post, so I will tag them in the comments. Please tell me if I forgot someone. Check out their accounts too.

Also, if you have a recommendation, I'm open for them.

[mousydentist]

KPTS fics under 10k that changed my brain chemistry

PART 1: KimChay

Inspired by @the-cookie-of-doom making a fic rec list, cause i was like hey! i like fics too! so here's a bunch of <10k word fics that altered the course of my life. i'm gonna do a few parts, so this first one is just kimchay. i tried to tag all the authors on tumblr but there was a couple i was unsure of so please lmk if they have an account for me to tag! (or if i fucked up any of the links cause you know tumblr was fighting me) <3 without further ado, and in no particular order:

Your last lie by saturnscoded @saturnscode (8182 words)

Not Rated. Creator chose not to use archive warnings. Summary:

In which Porchay's boyfriend cheats on him with Kimhan and he decides to take revenge. Or Things get out of control and Chay doesn't know how to stop.

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu- this fic oh my god i love this fic. GO READ THIS FIC RIGHT NOW. yknow when people are like "would you rather have a fic with amazing plot or amazing writing" GUESS WHAT BESTIE THIS ONES BOTH. GO READ IT.

Ringing Endorsements by bisexualbard @bisexualbard-writes (2556 words)

Rated G. No Archive Warnings. Summary:

Kim is not impulsive. Kim is a planner, a plotter, a researcher, and generally considers all angles of an action before he makes a move. Chay has always been the exception to his rules though, which is why he’s not even surprised at himself when he walks out of the jewelry shop with an engagement ring barely a month after they’ve reconciled. The only problem is, he doesn't stop at just one.

i have shed so many tears to this fic. it hits the sappy romantic in me right in the fkn feels GOD it just hurts so good ITS NOT EVEN SAD it's just so good it makes me cry 😭😭😭

podfic available by AirgiPodSLV (AirgiodSLV) @airgiodslv!!! welcome to tumblr fdjsjd

heaven is a place (here, on your floor) by booksnchocolate @booksnchocolate (7020 words)

Rated E. No Archive Warnings. Summary:

They're going to have sex. Eventually. They're going to take their clothes off and Chay is going to explore all of Kim's glorious, glorious body with his hands and mouth and – whew, he's going to need a cold shower. There's just one problem. It’s not a big deal, at first.

oh boy. what do i even say about this fic. i think about this fic a lot. like a LOT. it's so incredibly moving and emotional and ugh. just. perfect. no notes. i've cried at this and if i read it again right now i would cry again

Kim's Magic Pussy by imdeadlily @imdeadlily (8096 words)

Rated E. No Archive Warnings. Summary:

Kim wakes up and finds his dick is gone. MIA. Vanished. Displaced. Chay has no issues with this.

i'm a die-hard imdeadlily fan. i highly highly recommend everything they've written and this fic, THIS FIC. ITS SOOOO. just. go read it. you have to experience it yourself.

rainbow hanging over your head by IsleofSolitude @emberfaye (4174 words)

Rated T. No Archive Warnings. Summary:

Chay is crushing hard on Kim. That's the only reason it takes him awhile to realize kim's brothers are being weird.

this fic is the warm and fuzzy feeling you get when it's winter and you take a big blanket that like 10 times your size and you cuddle with your dog. that's this fic. i love this fic more than at least 90% of all things.

Pillow Talk by Atlas (xx_atlas_xx) @xxatlasxx (1427 words)

Rated E. No Archive Warnings. Summary:

Kim finds some time to himself while on tour as Wik, but gets interrupted by a phone call.

FOLLOWING THE TRANS KIM THEME WITH THIS MASTERPIECE. ive screamed all up in atlas' dms ab this fic and there is a REASON it was my most re-read fic of last year. sweet little trans!kim smut that i adore

drape myself with floral light by fern_tdvuh @fern-tdvuh (2080 words)

Rated T. No Archive Warnings. Summary:

"Kim feels like a sunflower – he can't resist basking in Chay's light." How Kim and Chay recognize their love for each other via tattoos, and then share it with the world.

this fiiiIIIIIIIIIIIC GODDDDDDDD. i swoon. i SWOOOOOON over this fic. i simply do not even have the words. this fic hurts my bones, hurts down to my soul. so fucking good. 10/10

Do You Believe in Magic? by disast3rtransp0rt @disast3rtransp0rt (3407 words)

Rated T. No Archive Warnings. Summary:

Deadpool continues to breeze past the entire situation, as he usually does when he’s in ‘trouble’. In fact, ‘Pool starts flirting even earlier into their banter than usual. “Did you hear the part where we’re soulmates, Spidey?” “I actively ignored that bit, actually,” Chay outright lies. Like a lying liar whose spandex is on fire. One hand is still on his hip, and he uses the other to gesture between the two of them. “What if we’re platonic soulmates?” “That’s not how the spell works,” Sabrina the Pain in Chay’s Ass speaks up. “We were hoping to summon Death, but–”

THIS FIC EEEEEEEE oh my god this was just so cute my heart simply could not take it. i read this after like, just, such an awful terrible day and it made me smile and god i love it. very special place in my heart for this fic.

i see rain but maybe they're all tears for you by OdeToFics @thestrangeillusion (5459 words)

Rated E. Creator chose not to use archive warnings. Summary:

Chay slumps back down onto the couch, picking up his controller where he'd abandoned it when there was a knock at his door. "Take your clothes off and then come here," he commands with a steady voice without even looking in Kim's direction. When his words are only greeted with silence from where Kim is still standing next to the door he'd just locked, Chay turns around to look at him and raises a challenging eyebrow at him. "W-what?" Kim stutters out and Chay feels a rush of satisfaction in making the always cool and collected Kim Theerapanyakun finally lose his resolve for once. "You said 'anything', did you not?" Chay asks coldly. ~~ Or: Chay wants Kim to be as vulnerable with him as he had always made himself for Kim. He wants to have some control over Kim. He realises too late that he's in way over his head.

OOF this fic hurts so good. post canon kim having emotions, goodness gracious it HITS DIFFERENT. SAD ANGST PORN MY BELOVED. SMANGST IF YOU WILL

The Art of Persuasion by Zoiseaunoir (9226 words)

Rated E. No Archive Warnings. Summary:

Porchay really wants to top. Kim needs a little persuasion. ... or does he?

!!!!!! some top tier kimchay communication porn. i read this fic like seven times in the week i first discovered it AND YOU SHOULD TOO

Take Your Time (I Promise Not to Run) by WildelyDawn @wildelydawn (3637 words)

Rated E. Rape/Non-con. Summary:

“Somnophilia,” Kim reads out loud. “A sexual interest in engaging in sexual activity with a sleeping person.” Chay hadn’t said no to any of his desires so far. But this is different. This is taking without asking. It’s wrong. (Or: Kim discovers somnophilia and struggles to keep his desires to himself. Chay's there to guide him through it.)

fOOkin hell this fic, this whole series actually, actually actually everything by dawn but i digress. just like, jaw-dropping plot, beautifully written, and smutty on top of it?? just 10/10 fic overall, absolutely outstanding

podfic available by Princess_Moonlight!!!

paying the price by IsleofSolitude @emberfaye (4133 words, ongoing)

Rated M. Creator chose not to use archive warnings. Summary:

Secure with the knowledge that Kim won’t leave him again, Chay unblocked Kim and pressed the call button. (Alternatively, Chay fucks around and finds out. All magic comes with a price.)

:*) bro. this fic took my emotions and put them in a blender. the first chapter was jaw dropping and had me hooked, and the second chapter picked my jaw off the ground and stapled it back on with no novocain. my heart huuuuurts thinking about this fic /pos

I'd Rather Feel Pain Than Nothing At All by Sweet_William @sweet-william-writes (3108 words)

Rated E. Graphic Violence, Rape/Non-con. Summary:

Chay starts having graphic dreams where Kim attacks him. When he is faced with a real-life volatile Kim killing men in Hum Bar to protect him, he realises they were never nightmares. They were wet dreams. And now he's going to make those dreams a reality, whether Kim wants it or not.

yOWza bonowza this fic is a doozy /pos. author's note says "Because we need more awful kimchay fics <3" and sir you delivered!!!!!! spectacular and gasp-worthy, i couldn't stop thinking about it for like four days after reading it

Technicality by TheCookieOfDoom @the-cookie-of-doom (9136 words, ongoing)

Rated E. No Archive Warnings. Summary:

Kim is an OnlyFans model. Despite taking (literal) monster dildos up his ass on the regular, he is still, technically, a virgin.

now this one is just technically (ha) less than 10k, its 9k and ongoing but goddamnit im counting it because loooOORDD. this has almost all of my favorite tropes wrapped up in 9k of excellent writing and GOD it makes me feral like actually fr feral

K's Puppy Boy by Maenecoon @maenecoon (9944 words, ongoing)

Rated E. No Archive Warnings. Summary:

To be in K’s position, to garner the attention of people who'd pay to see him do more and go further into the depths of depravity. To feel wanted and needed and pleasured all while earning a bit of pocket money. It sounds like a dream. And so Chay's here now, attempting a stream of his own. ー Or, Chay stumbles upon the prettiest camboy. Things go downhill from there.

OK THIS ONES ALSO JUST BARELY 10K BUT LISTEN. holy F LISTEN TO ME. go read this right now. this shit has me blushing and kicking my feet and chewing my arm off and SCREAMING OUT LOUD IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT god GOD ITS SO. ok yeah go read it.

[obscurecurse]

you guys i need a kimchay catfish au so bad. i don't know wtf my problem is. but for your considerationnnnnn:

Concept A - Kim gets catfished, obviously. Playing off the popular headcanon that Kim is a little out of touch and bad with technology, a catfish just starts sending Kim vague texts like, "it's been a long time. how are you?" Kim thinks it's Chay because he's in his feelings one night so he texts back like, "Chay? Is this you?" and the catfish (who can't believe that worked) replies, "yep it's me!" like Kim just walks right into it. And they talk for awhile and Kim thinks he's making amends, and he's so relieved that Chay is talking to him again, and eventually he runs into Chay and starts talking about something they'd texted about and Chay has no fucking idea what Kim is talking about. The angst. *chefs kiss* .

Concept B - "For a good time, call 000-000-0000 <3" Chay keeps writing WIꓘ's number in bathroom stalls for petty revenge. Kim can change his number easily, and he does. But Chay just asks Porsche to get his new number from Kinn (because Porsche is 100% down to help Chay make Kim squirm.) Kim has no idea who's doing it but his mafia brain gets activated so he texts one stranger back like, "Where did you get this number?" and they tell him the name of the bar. Kim starts casing the places where his number is written, intent on confronting this person. Every bar he goes to he crosses his number out with sharpie. But Chay just writes it again below. Eventually Kim writes, "WE NEED TO TALK. YOU HAVE MY NUMBER." Or maybe Kim catches Chay in the middle of rewriting it??? And now they are arguing in some gross bathroom at a bar. It's not the most romantic place to confess his love, but he's so overwhelmed that Chay is talking to him again. .

Concept C - Kim gets catfished but Chay's college roomate is the catfish, pretending to be Chay. Chay says he's over Kim but this roommate is tired of watching Chay mope around and avoid everyone who tries to flirt with him at parties. At the very least, they need to talk things out so Chay can move on... The roommate does not expect Kim to be so eager to reconcile. (The way Chay talked about him, the roommate thought he would be cold and disinterested.) Kim wants to meet so they can talk, and now this person will have to explain to an actual famous pop idol that they are not, in fact, Chay. The roommate thinks it's better to explain in person and say sorry so they agree to meet. Chay sees his roommate with Kim on campus and loses his cool. Kim is relieved Chay is there after all. Chaos ensues. Chay figures it out first he's like, "What the fuck is your problem?" And then he's mad at Kim, he's like "Why would I ever in a million years ask you to meet me at the tech center at a college library!? I thought you were a criminal mastermind! Do you even have a gun on you? What if it was someone trying to take you as a hostage?" (The roommate is quickly learning A LOT of new information about Chay's relationship with Kim.)

[snickerdoodlles]

headcanons behind fic: Chay's allowance and KimChay zero baht dates mentioned in long & short

Kim chokes trying not to laugh. “Seriously Angel?” Chay looks at him, lips pulled into a pouty moue like what? “You only take me out on zero baht dates, but you’ll pay people to draw us as cats?” Chay sniffs primly. “I only use my allowance for education and fine art,” he says, haughty.

Korn giving Porsche and Chay a large allowance comes up in a lot of my fics I think, because I see him giving all of his sons and his wards a large allowance. And for once, it's not actually a part of his usual manipulation and control tactics.

(Well. It's not not about manipulation and control, because everything Korn does involves manipulation and control. Korn absolutely monitors their accounts and purchases, not to mention he's absolutely the sort of person to always have a mental ledger of favors given and owed for everyone, especially family.)

However, he doesn't need to control any of the boys' finances to have control over them and he's so present over all of them that giving them access to their own money (vs having them request it from him directly) doesn't give him any more advantage over them or could even run counter to it.

No, I see Korn giving all the boys a hefty allowance as a personal push back against the ghost of his father.

We don't know anything about grandpa Theerapanyakul beyond the fact that Gun invoked his name while yelling at Korn and the mere comparison of them rattled Korn more than the literal gun war happening in his own home. Of all the terrible fathers in this series, the grandpa takes the cake apparently!

Alongside Korn's deep-seated control issues, he also has this weird...thing where he really, really wants to be seen as a caretaker and good provider. He never outright denies his sons and is seemingly very supportive of them-- Khun was allowed to fall back and be taken care of, Kim was allowed to live separately to become a musician, he paid off judges in the name of Kinn's childhood dream, later he supports Kinn and Porsche's relationship-- and the whole fucked thing with Nampheung and the narrative he's constructed around him taking care of her. Even Korn's relationship with Gun is a little bit weird given how much he talks about competition. Like, he desperately wants to be seen as a good provider and caretaker, he just also can't stop being Korn and has that stupid-ass metaphor with the knife and the apple. It's a very crunchy contradiction.

Anyways, Korn's issues aside, I see Korn giving his sons and later wards personal allowances as a part of his personal image of himself as a good provider.

And Porsche and Chay hate it.

(Porsche reminds Chay they're very grateful. Chay mutters where was this help when Porsche took out an informal loan too young. Porsche hisses and whips his head around for any walls that are listening.)

Chay mostly just tries to ignore the supposed pile of money apparently just...sitting there, for him, and spend no differently than how he usually would (it doesn't feel real, digital money is never real to him). However, after so many years of Porsche sacrificing to save money for his needs and future, Chay can't bring himself to ignore the account completely when it comes to things like school or food. He never actually looks at his account, he mostly just squeezes his eyes shut whenever he uses his card for essentials and waits for the system to deny him, except it never does. That does not make Chay feel any better about the situation.

The only time Chay's close to breaking his "no treats" stance is shortly after he and Kim get together. Chay wants so badly to treat Kim to something really special, but. Money. He frets. He makes a pros and cons list. He paces. He has an entire argument with himself in the mirror. He angsts. He takes one look at Kim's happy face over a candlelight dinner and decides fuck it, that's a guy he's going to spoil to the moon and back, stupid blood money allowance be damned.

Except, as established, Chay's never looked at his actual account, so he goes to Cash the accountant to see what his options are for spoiling dates. Like, he's been paying his tuition and the card always goes through at the grocer or noodle house, and Korn does keep telling him his school allowance includes some extra spending money, but Chay wants to spoil Kim. A band they like will be on tour in Bangkok around Kim's birthday, Chay's gunning for special VIP tickets and some extra money for merch and dinner. Surely stupid rich mafia has plenty of money to spare for that.

Chay: would I, uh, be able to get a little extra money? tickets are 3000 but they're for a really special occasion and-

Cash, thinking about Kinn's 3000 dollar helicopter tickets: I don't care, let me just pull up your account details

Chay: thank you so much 🥺

Then Cash turns his screen around to ask Chay how much money he needs and. That is. A lot of money. So many digits. The decimal certainly in the wrong spot. Then Chay looks to the top of the corner and nearly screams because that's his name on the account, what the fuck?

Cash: Khun Korn said to have enough money to cover your tuition

Chay: [does not point out the initial balance was 3x his four year tuition]

Chay...leaves. He thinks. He doesn't know how he got from Cash's office to his room but his next stop is his bed to scream into his pillow until his throat hurts. Fucking rich people.

In protest, Chay takes Kim out the next evening on a zero baht date. They walk along whatever part of the river's nearest to their university to watch the sunset, have to jump a fence and duck two railings to even find a private sitting space away from any other river goers. The view's passable at best, at least free of most industry stuff thanks to the proximity to school but hardly the most inspiring. Chay spreads out his flannel for them to sit on, and feeds Kim dry packet ramen and stale shrimp chips he got free from a university event. He didn't even buy a drink, they survive off a mostly full bottle of grape soda Chay stole off a friend.

(It's a magical evening for Kim, obviously. Ferreting out little hidden spaces hand-in-hand with Chay, enjoying the nighttime air curled together, eating terrible cheap food that somehow tastes good? This is DOING things to him. He will be bringing a guitar and minimum two water bottles with him next time tho.)

[aeternallis]

A Deep Dive: Kim’s Fight Scene in Yok’s Bar

I’ve been thinking about this scene a lot lately, and I just have so many thoughts on it. 

Like low-key, but imo what makes this scene so mesmerizing yet also chilling at the same time is the fact that Kim never eliminates the possibility of Chay turning around at any time and witnessing Kim kill in order to protect him. 

Whereas Porsche tends to protect Chay by keeping him from seeing the reality of the mafia life (and tragically blindsides both himself and his brother because of it; Chay because he remains ignorant of his new environment and Porsche because his judgement of the risks in keeping Chay ignorant is impaired due to his overprotectiveness), Kim protects him only from the danger of it.

It’s an all around interesting narrative choice from BOC, especially considering that it’s Kim’s one fight scene in the entire series. 

I’ve seen many posts on here before of how Kim leaves the dead bodies for Chay like a feral cat or that he really took the mantra “nobody disturbs my man” up a notch or two, and while I definitely agree with all that on a surface level, I can’t help but think there’s so much more going on. Dare I say, maybe even a little manipulative? Hmm. 

Because for reals, there’s a reason why this fight scene makes such an impression on so many fans--the KimChay fans (including myself), in particular--and I think it’s because so much of the context of the fight, as much as the fight itself and the events leading up to it, reveals so much about Kim’s character post-break up w/ Chay. 

Like yes, there’s the aesthetic reasons and ofc, Jeff Satur and that beautiful face of his that looks like it was sculpted on a Saturday by the gods, but there’s just so much to be said in the way he’d fought and more importantly, ended the fight. 

@wildelydawn​ wrote up an amazing meta post  about how Kim fights, for which I highly recommend y’all read if you haven’t already. I definitely agree with the idea that Kim likes to play with his prey when he fights; he knows how to improvise and use his environment as sources of weapons, and he’s definitely got a bit of a sadistic streak going for him, lol. 

Now, where am I going with this? Well, let’s very briefly look at the events leading up to the fight: from the moment they break up in ep 11, to one of the very last scenes in ep 13 when Kim finds out that Porsche and Chay have left the tower, somewhere in between those events, Chay had become Kim’s singular goal and most important priority. Whereas before his goal had been to investigate Porsche and Chay’s connection to the Theerapanyakun family, directly after the break up is when this plotline falls through because his investigation hits a dead end at the temple. 

For me personally, methinks it’s the moment he finds out that Chay skipped his college interview in ep 12 and what a massive fuck up he’d just committed. As much as I adore him as a character, I don’t really think he knew the repercussions of his own actions until it was too late, alas. Ultimately, he’s not responsible for Chay’s choices, but he can’t deny that his previous actions influenced them. 

Whether it was wanting to confess his own feelings to Chay, or perhaps setting him straight because he skipped his college interview, or wanting to keep him safe, or even just to talk to him and clear the air--the point is, regardless of his reason(s), getting to Chay becomes his next target. And more than that, once Kim sets his crosshairs on a goal--especially on this one person he’s got a romantic attachment to--he is positively ruthless. 

You barely see it from how fast the camera cuts out, but if you pause at just the right moment, you can see how Kim’s expression is absolutely seething when Korn stops him from going to look for the Kittisawasd brothers (or perhaps even just Chay himself). 

This is the expression of someone who’s more than willing to obliterate anyone who gets in the way of him and his goal. This is an expression of utter resentment. This is the expression of someone who’s itching for a fight, because the universe dared to get in between him and his goal. 

(Side bar: I’m pretty sure part of the reason Jeff got the role of Kim Theerapanyakun is because of how intense his method acting can be. He doesn’t have many roles under his belt just yet, but if you haven’t seen He She It, I recommend giving it a go. His acting in that mini drama is a little rough around the edges, but the raw intensity by which he plays the character of Mike definitely highlights some of Jeff’s natural talent. He knows how to act with his eyes and his entire body, and when given the right director to guide him, as we’ve seen when he portrays the role of Kim, he truly thrives in his role.)

Yet still, for all his anger at being prevented by his father from getting to his goal, he’s mindful enough to know that he can’t just go against his orders either. Korn is the enemy of an entirely different caliber, and Kim perfectly knows how and when to pick his battles.

But it isn’t until we see him in the next ep quietly watching Chay from the bar that another facet of his character growth is revealed to us: by this point in time, he’s comfortable in his feelings for Chay enough that he can finally allow himself to luxuriate in his presence, even whilst knowing he’s in the metaphorical dog house.

His arms are propped up, his legs are loosely crossed, his body language is relaxed, whilst still very much aware of his surroundings. Keep in mind, this is the first time since the morning of the kidnapping that we see him perfectly content in Chay’s presence, now fully aware that there’s no reason for lies between them anymore. The only one left is the one he has to fix.

Yet, after all this time of trying to get ahold of Chay ( @bitacrytic​ wrote an interesting piece about Kim’s unsettling behavior when he realized Chay had cut him off, which I also highly recommend), why didn’t he take the opportunity to talk (or whatever it is he intended to do) when he was finally within sight? The camera shot of Chay talking to Yok on his phone, as well as of Kim sitting on the stool, lingers for a good 20-25 secs, so the audience is given a hint that Kim has been there for a while.

So why not take advantage of this chance?

And the answer to this question, I think, is what’s at the heart of the matter and basically defines the connotation of the entire fight.

Kim is not a fool, he knows for the time being he’s number 1 on Chay’s shit list. And because of this, it may be a stretch to say it, but I will anyway: perhaps off screen, from the moment he had him within sight, Kim may have realized that it would do him no good to talk to Chay at that moment. Not when there’s an imminent threat lying in wait, not when the heartbreak is still too raw for both of them. 

Most of all, Chay has no reason to trust him right now; it would just be a repeat of their disastrous confrontation in the club.

And he knows all too well that he cannot afford to sabotage what truly little standing he has left in Chay’s good graces. So he plays it cautious and takes the next best thing: he’ll bask in Chay’s presence, keep him company (albeit one-sided). If you scroll back up real quick and see his expression in the promotional image, it’s almost as if he’s thinking to himself, ‘keep your eyes on the prize--on him. he’s the only one that truly matters.’ 

But even so, Chay’s safety is his priority for the moment and there’s just so many reasons Kim is itching to vent some anger and frustration: the boy he loves has cut him off completely, Daddy is hatching up some plan again, besides the ongoing 4D chess game he’s got going on with all his sons, his investigation led him nowhere. Yet lo and behold, here comes some goons who not only disturbed his peaceful serotonin-gathering session (unbeknownst to Chay), but are also looking to either use the love of his life as leverage in a conflict that barely has anything to do with him, or just outright kill him. 

Really, no one can blame Kim for going a little overboard, not when these poor suckers basically offered themselves to him on a silver platter. Lol 

While I won’t go too deep into analyzing the physicality or choreography of the fight itself, I’d like to instead focus on all the things Kim chose/chose not to do, which again, says so much about his character and brings me back to my overarching thesis for this long ass rant: Kim never eliminates the possibility of Chay turning around at any time and witnessing Kim kill in order to protect him.

Kim doesn’t call out for Chay to run: this makes sense, it’s a practical choice; he doesn’t want these men to draw their attention on Chay. So long as they’re focused on him, so long as he distracts them--he can kill them one by one. 

Kim doesn’t draw the men away from the bar: an interesting choice that seems like it never crosses Kim’s mind. He’s more than agile enough to have led them away from where they’d entered, yet he keeps them all inside. 

Kim didn’t wait for them outside: another interesting choice. Arguably, it would have been more efficient for him to have taken some bodyguards and do a stake out. Further still, it’s also arguable this choice is more an emotional one (he wants Chay where he can see him, dammit), but that’s up for debate. 

Kim waits until the last possible second to use a gun: a risky choice, but he pulled it off quite well. He doesn’t go for the gun until the goons have him surrounded within Chay’s vicinity, so he goes for fast kills to end the fight even if it’s not his personal preference. Imo, it’s very obvious throughout the fight that he finds some satisfaction in twisting limbs and breaking bone, so good on him that he got to indulge for a bit. 

And finally, immediately right after the fight, he never tries to pull this one over Chay’s head: 

This one is pretty self-explanatory, I think. Hahaha. 

But after Kim shoots the last man, he doesn’t linger for too long. Which again, why doesn’t he take advantage of yet another chance that’s fallen onto his lap to talk to Chay? The danger has been dealt with for now, after all. Why not at least attempt at some sort of clean up, maybe pile the bodies on one corner so Chay doesn’t trip over them? :’D If not to talk to Chay, why not at least linger in the shadows, to make sure Chay is all right (he’s bound to turn around eventually)? 

Instead, he walks away, still panting a bit from the fighting and without a doubt, from the adrenaline rush. His body language is hard to read because his silhouette is blurred, but it’s at this point that BOC could have easily concluded this scene. 

They could have left this scene as is, and made the aftermath of the fight as vague as possible, because for what it’s worth, it would have still accomplished one of the main points for KimChay: Kim’s priority is Chay’s immediate safety. 

But it’s not the end of the scene. BOC made damn sure that we would see the aftermath, and with it--the changed dynamic between these two characters and the very implications of it. They didn’t leave it vague whatsoever, they pretty much shoved it in our faces. 

This scene--this f*cking scene RIGHT HERE--blows wide open a potential trajectory of KimChay’s love story if/when we ever get a season 2.

I think for the first and only time in the show, this shot of Kim sitting on the stairway, enjoying a cigarette after a murder spree, mind you—is the first time we see him fully stripped away of any pretenses in not only the way he loves and protects someone, but how far he can get lost within his own emotions when he has no reason to hold back. He doesn’t even look the least bit concerned for Chay’s emotional well-being, because that’s not his priority when he chose to leave those men lying on the bar’s floors. 

If anything, in this specific situation, not holding back benefits him greatly. 

For the first time, his character in the show is explicitly elevated to the same level of batshit insane as Kinn and Vegas, perhaps even beyond them.

We’ve seen how WiK had won over Chay, of how tender Kim could be with him, but the fight in Yok’s bar and the conclusion of it afterwards, demonstrates how far Kim’s sharpest, most deadliest aspect of himself—Kimhan, will go in order to win back Chay. Even in trying to get Chay within his orbit once more, he remains just as calculating: he doesn’t let his own gut instinct (actually wanting to talk with Chay) get the better of him; he uses the situation, in this case--even Chay--to give himself the best advantage. Can you imagine how terrifying that is? 

It’s no wonder Korn calls him the strongest, yet most dangerous of the Theerapanyakul heirs: regardless of whether Kim holds back or not depending on the given situation, he remains just as sharp, just as deadly, just as cunning. In the first KP novel, Korn presents a question to the readers indirectly: in their world, is love a weakness or is it strength?

For Kim, the answer is obvious: it’s a weakness, but he won’t allow it to be one for himself or for Chay. 

And due to all this, there’s only one conclusion I can come up with as to what this shot of Kim sitting on the stairway outside Yok’s bar was trying to accomplish:

Kim—this conniving, devious, gorgeous motherfucker—absolutely wanted Chay to see the dead bodies now littering Yok’s bar.

In fact, I can even argue that he seemed to have been waiting for confirmation that Chay saw his “present.” That he had all the time in the world to make sure his bae got a good look at his kills.

Why, you ask? Simple. Kim trusts Chay’s backbone made of steel. He trusts him to be able to handle it. Why else would he let himself enjoy a smoke after killing 6 people in 6 mins? Why doesn’t he look concerned?! Why not give Chay some comfort, goddamn...! We know this fucker is in love w/ Chay, the dumbass was crying over his polaroids earlier that day. //sobs 

But in all seriousness...Kim has firsthand experience of going up against it, doesn’t he? He himself saw how determined Chay could be when he cut himself off entirely from Kim, both from when he pulled his hand away in the club and then blocking his number a day or two later. I don’t necessarily think it’s that Kim overestimated Chay’s love for him, but rather he initially underestimated Chay’s resilience in keeping him away after breaking his heart so terribly.

This son of a bitch (affectionate) sobbed his pathetic heart out after finding out Chay blocked his number, probably took a good look at himself (and Chay’s cute polaroids), and came to one conclusion: “yeah, Chay can handle me. I can go all in now.”

In fairness, Chay’s steadfastness can only improve and strengthen from here on out. Kim--although in love with Chay, but does have his moments of volatile moods and cold verbal wit--is not an easy person to love, as Chay is slowly finding out the hard way. He must be able to confidently call Kim out when the latter needs to be reminded to respect him, that Chay will not take any of his shit. 

Ironically enough, in creating an original story for these two characters in the show, it also brings them closer to the dynamic they have in the novel, imo. I myself have only read parts of the novel, and because we barely see KimChay in the book, it’s hard to tell how much closer show!KimChay is to novel!KimChay, but there’s hints of some similarities here and there in terms of character dynamics. Make of that what you will~ 

Let’s play Devil’s Advocate for a hot sec though, and address the rebuttal: “but won’t this only drive Chay further away from Kim and a life in the mafia?”

My answer to that is: will it though? Chay has more reasons to stay in the world Porsche forced him to enter than he ever has in leaving it. BOC cemented this fact when they decided to keep Namphueng alive, nevermind the fact that Chay’s one positive, healthy parental figure, is now the minor family head and as much as he’d like for it not to be true, he’s still in love with Kim. 

But to reiterate, Kim trusts Chay’s backbone made of steel in a way that Porsche doesn’t (again, due to aforementioned overprotectiveness, which also serves as the fundamental difference in how they both protect Chay). But the reasoning behind placing his trust in Chay isn’t entirely selfless either. 

He trusts Chay to be able to handle the disturbing scene of the dead bodies he left behind, because he has something to gain from it.

By leaving behind the dead goons for him to find, Kim inadvertently breaks another piece of Chay’s upright perception of the world, ensnares him further into Kim’s reality—and most of all, to Kim himself.

It’s a terrifying level of honesty (and wooing??) coming from Kim because it’s so brutal in its execution. What makes it even more frightening is that he’s genuinely doing this out of his desire to be with Chay. His priority during the fight is Chay’s safety, yes, but his overarching goal after their break up remains the same: to get Chay back. 

It drives home the fact that although Kim loves only a handful of people in his life, he loves them fiercely to the point of questionable insanity.

[bluestjayy]

your tags on that omegaverse post tho 👀

I could truly write a[nother] dissertation on my own fic lore and that might be the cringiest thing about me 😭✌️

But yeah! I've put a little more information under the cut for anyone who is interested 💛

The current and first fic in the series features Omega Pete (who begins as a Kuen-Kaan Omega - which in the lore of this verse is an Omega who has reached a certain age without going through their second presentation, a biological process that is triggered from being knotted for the first time, similar to some species that go through sexual maturity/biologically become fertile at different rates or in relation to viable mates. Without their second presentation, Omega's don't have heats, and their scents will be unique. In modern society it's widely considered a bad thing, it's used in media a lot the way a spinster is used a lot, this rhetoric that you can only be Kaan if you're of a certain age and have still never 'taken a knot' like 'omegas are supposed to' and thus have failed your 'biological purpose', but ofc there's nuance to that, Omega's can still have sex without taking a knot - I could go on about this forever) and Pete is not 100% comfortable in his gender because of stereotypes and how he never sees himself fitting into them etc. which isn't helped by other characters he comes across and their views on not just Omega's, but various other subgenders and specifically the idea of Pete being a Kaan Omega.

We also have Alpha Vegas, who has also always considered himself broken, but in actual fact is just dealing with a typical crisis of identity when an alpha driven society twists and poisons the stereotype of all the subgenders (including their own, wildly enough) so where Vegas believes 'i am broken for not feeling xyz, it is in fact just that in a modern society the way we interpret our instincts has to change and adapt, it's just no one is gonna talk about that. A good example I've brought up in text is the idea that Alpha's crave territory, but in a modern society how do they achieve that when it's something reserved for those financially able and if nothing else there's been a population boom? So it's all the modern ways that people change and adapt to their subgender instincts.

I won't talk too much about KimChay yet, but I know there are a few people looking forward to what is coming for them and honestly I am too, their arc is SO fascinating to me.

Kim has already appeared in this fic, and he is an Alpha, and I guess as a small spoiler I will say is that Chay in this series is a Beta.

If I got into the full system I am working with for Alpha Beta and Omega dynamics I'm playing with I'd be here for hours. Some of it is the same as traditional but I'm also growing a lot of it from home as well so... 👀

Early on I made a lore document, and this is linked in the fic as well, but for anyone interested you can find it here.

That has pretty much everything re: my evolutionary and biological lore in it (so you might be able to see how certain themes for certain characters are going to start emerging, esp for KimChay 👀👀)

If you read this whole thing, I am on my knees proposing thank you for coming to my ted talk about my fic (which you can find here - if VegasPete isn't your thing, the KimChay arc is on the horizon, so keep your eye out for that) and I apologise for my intense need to yap about this verse 😭

[shubaka]

okay here's a silly kimchay idea

kim is running away from someone (fans? enemies? i don't know!) and needs to hide. he runs into an amusement park, hoping to blend in with the crowd

he makes his way into one of the staff buildings and he spots a mascot costume

just sitting there

waiting to be worn by someone

how convenient.

kim puts it on and is about to leave when in comes chay with a "oh, you're already here? i heard it's your first time. don't worry, i'm your spotter for the day so i'll make sure you don't run into anything or anyone." cue super cute smiles

so kim is subjected to an entire afternoon and evening of being tackled from all sides (admittedly, less harrowing tackles than the potential tackles he may have received earlier in the day) and nearly bowling the tiny kids over because his peripheral vision has been greatly reduced and the costume is seriously messing with his spatial awareness

but thankfully chay is there guiding him along and mediating between him and the pushier kids (thank god he doesn't have to talk) and even though kim is hot and sweaty and miserable (he's not even going to get paid for this???) he can't help but NOTICE how bright and cute chay is.

at the end of the shift, either

a) kim takes off the head and chay is suddenly attacked by the image of a sweaty and flushed wik???

b) kim runs off and manages to avoid letting chay see his face... but kim is smitten and he can't stop thinking about chay, so he goes back and weasels his way into a legit job at the park and somehow manages to get chay to be his permanent spotter. lots of sad, sweaty, pining ensues. chay thinks his new co-worker is just super shy and eventually starts telling kim a lot about himself because he feels comfortable around him, and sometimes it's nice to just talk and have someone listen.

[the-cookie-of-doom]

split/kid! Kim AU as promised 😘

send me an ask and I'll tell you about one of these WIPs!

I haven't thought about this fic in so long I forgot it even existed, but I added it to the list just for you <3

In this fic, through ~magical handwaving~, Kim's younger self is split from his adult self. It was meant to only cut out his memories/trauma (bc Kim will turn to magic before therapy), but oops! Turns out all those memories became a whole person! So now there's a ~13 year old knife-wielding Kim running around the compound, and adult KimChay have no idea. The significance of that age is that's how old Kim was the first time he killed someone, and he sees that as the thing that ruined him as a person. So if he can get rid of the part of himself that decided to be a murderer, maybe he can become a better man for Chay. Spoiler, that's not how it works.

The whole idea behind the fic is Kim learning to forgive himself for the things he had to do to survive. It's a lot harder to blame yourself for life going wrong when you have to look that frightened child in the eyes and tell him everything is his fault. Kid Kim is also a darling, and the brother feels make me weep.

Chay’s phone is ringing on the nightstand. He reaches blindly for it, preoccupied with Kim’s mouth on his own.  “Ignore it,” Kim murmurs, giving Chay’s bottom lip a chastising little bite. He’s half on top of Chay, both of them naked, hands wandering, and well on their way to a second round. Kim is making a very compelling argument, but… “It’s hia,” Chay says, and finally grasps his phone, hitting “accept” on the second to last ring. Kim huffs at him and starts pressing warm kisses along his jaw instead. “Hello?” “Chay,” Porsche greets jovially. “Question for you. Why is your boyfriend a child?”  “... He isn’t?” Chay looks down at Kim, now mouthing at his collarbone, just to make sure. And yep, still the same twenty-three year old he’s been for the last four months.  “I’m literally staring at him, and he is.”  “I’m literally naked with him, and he isn’t. I think I would have noticed.” Porsche snorts on the other end of the line. Kim looks up at him curiously, his tongue tracing wet circles around a nipple. Chay tugs his hair to make him stop but it only encourages him to bite. “Want to tell me why you think Kim is a child, hia?”  “I’m a what?” Kim asks, his voice low and rough and dripping with judgment. “Has your brother lost his mind?”  “See for yourself.” Seconds later Chay gets a text alert. He pulls up the messages, and nearly drops his phone when he sees the picture that loads.  There, sitting beside Kinn, wearing obviously borrowed clothes and the stormiest scowl Chay has ever seen, is Kim. Unmistakably, irrefutably Kim. Chay, left gaping and unable to speak, turns his phone around to show his lover.  “... Hm.”  “What the fuck?” Chay whispers. Then, “Porsche, I’ve got to go. We’re on our way.”  He ends the call.  “You’re not surprised. Why are you not surprised?”  “I’m surprised.”  “Really? Because you sounded like I just told you the road flooded in monsoon season.” Chay pushes himself up to his elbows, dislodging Kim. “What gives? What did you do?” “Why do you think I did something?” “Because there’s two of you!” “... I didn’t do anything that would have done that.” “But you did do something.” Silence. Kim refuses to meet his eyes. “Kim.” “It wasn’t anything bad! I just… Look, don’t be mad, okay?” Chay takes a deep breath, and then another. They’ve been together for two years now. They’ve seen each other through a lot. Chay can confidently say they’ve reached a place where Chay would forgive him for anything, because he trusts Kim not to do anything unforgivable.  “Tell me what happened, then we can figure out what’s going on,” Chay says. “I might have… gotten rid of… my memories. Of my childhood.” “... What?”  Kim squirms. He pulls the blankets up higher, suddenly vulnerable in his nudity. At least he doesn’t try to run away.  “You’re always telling me to go to therapy. I thought I could go straight to the source, cut it out, then,” he takes a shuddering breath, “then I would be okay.” “Kim, you can’t—that’s not how it works.” Kim shrinks in on himself. Chay doesn’t let him hide, drawing Kim into his arms when he tries, clutching him close. “That’s—that’s half your life! And it’s just, what, gone?” “I thought it would be. Guess not. I promise I didn’t know this would happen.”  “And you were just going to hide this from me?” Kim shrugs. Chay’s heart clenches wondering how long Kim could have gotten away with it. He never talks about his childhood as it is, like he’s already locked that part of himself away. “When do your memories start, then?” “When I was thirteen, I think.” “Why that age?”  “That was the first time I killed a man.” Kim squeezes his arms around Chay’s middle, hiding away in his shoulders. Quietly, he adds, “That’s what broke me.”  The day he lost his innocence, Chay thinks. He stopped being a child when he took his first life.  Except he doesn’t believe that for a second. Trauma isn’t what makes someone an adult; Chay would know. Kim was still so young, and he must have been terrified. Alone. 

[kimkhimhant]

I don't understand why so many people equate a single aspect of a character's personality to their sexual preferences. like pointing to Kim's apparent enjoyment of violence and being like obviously he's a violent dom top.

it feels like toxic masculinity and disturbing stereotyping to say a character who has violent tendencies can't possibly be gentle in romantic and sexual relationships, or someone who has a lot of anger can't possibly bottom or submit to the person they love.

because Kim can kill people means he would want to aggressively dom Chay and would never want to give Chay any power in their sexual relationship? it doesn't make sense to me and it honestly feels like an insult to Kim's character. I don't have a problem with Kim domming or topping. i have a problem with people making that his whole personality when it's Not. the biggest move he makes on Chay is a very innocent cheek kiss, when he absolutely could have done more. to say that the violence he commits to protect Chay= violent sexual dominance is weird!

to say that because he is ambitious & hardened & willing to threaten & kill people who endanger his loved ones, he could never willingly submit to someone - what kind of claim is that? doesn't that make it all the more impactful when he Does submit?

claiming so confidently (and rudely) that there's nothing submissive about him, and that it's out of character to write him as anything but an aggressive and violent dom top really does feel so narrow-minded and insulting. his actions in canon are very much open to interpretation.

the club scene, he momentarily loses control of his emotions: he finds out chay skipped his audition, is at a club, and is being offered drugs. he freaks out and drags chay away, but when chay stands up to him he stands down. he leaves. he doesn't continue to force chay. we can interpret this interaction either as a momentarily loss of control, or as proof that he's capable of force, but again, neither option is explicitly confirmed by canon.

the song, it's implied that he started writing it while he and chay were still together, rather than a post-breakup manipulation tactic. we see him alone in his apartment writing a song while thinking about chay's love song and smiling. it was a love song, written in response to chay's love song, but they broke up before kim finished it.

kim is absolutely capable of violence and force. boundaries are a little blurry for him, especially when he's trying to accomplish something. he looks into chay's phone, breaks into his room, bypasses his being blocked by messaging from a different number. chay also walks right over kim's boundaries. he insists that kim stays to listen to his song (repeatedly), get's kim's address from his friend and shows up at his place, etc. they are pretty well matched in that sense – their concept of boundaries and attachment are both unhealthy.

there is really nothing in canon that dictates whatever romantic or sexual dynamics they will have. i'm frustrated when people act like there are. the image someone presents in public has nothing to do with their sexual preferences.

it feels like a projection of misogyny & toxic masculinity & honest to God homophobia to say that because Chay is sunny & soft, he can only ever be a submissive bottom, & bc Kim is cold & raised to be violent, he can only ever be a violent, dominant top.

again, as a disclaimer, i'm not opposed to domtop kim. i think it's an entirely valid portrayal of him! i support those who write those dynamics! but it's not canon, because there is no canon sexual dynamic for kimchay. sub bottom kim isn't canon either! because there is no canon sexual dynamic for kimchay.

we almost never see kim with his defenses down. he's always on guard and putting on a brave face, except for just a few scenes, like when he's alone writing music and finding chay's polaroid.

i think it's important to recognize the fact that sexual dynamics cannot be predicted by looking at how someone looks and acts in public, and that no interpretations are confirmed by canon and all interpretations are therefore equally valid

[the-pink-quill]

KimChay vs PheeNon Parallels

If you take the couples themselves with no regards to their situations and history, just how they work together and treat each other and react to each other's actions, then Kim is to Chay what Non is to Phee.

And I know what you would think. Feral Kim and Poor Little Non? Similar? But yeah, in my opinion, they are. And that makes the way people react to Chay and Phee blocking them very very interesting.

First off, of course, is how the relationship began. Chay and Phee asked Kim and Non out respectively, and Kim and Non both just kissed them in lieu of giving a proper answer.

Of course the way PheeNon's whole dynamic works is a lot more high heat and high stakes than the coffee shop AU feels that KimChay gives, but I would say the depth of their feelings was the same, since KimChay's relationship probably lasted a few weeks (giving allowance for the pictures), as did PheeNon's.

Chay felt betrayed because he felt used for the entire duration of their relationship, however long that may have been. Phee felt betrayed because he found Non being intimate with the someone he already suspected Non to be involved with.

Remember a year ago, when Chay blocked Kim after having all of the latter's lies exposed, we cheered him on. Kim's trauma - which undoubtedly existed considering all the points made in all the fics and meta posts we all have read - was irrelevant; we were all clapping Chay for prioritizing his own mental wellbeing above that of his ex's.

Why then, are Phee's different? Why is he villainized for priortizing his own mental wellbeing over Non's, which the later was never forthcoming about as is?

Kim was traumatized by an adult (Korn), So is Non (Keng).

Kim cannot take solace in family (I think we all agree he was aware about Korn faking his own death, but never told his brothers, for reasons talked about in about 114 meta posts). Neither can Non.

Kim lied because he did not want Chay involved in his problems. Same as Non.

Chay was hurt by Kim's rejection, even after giving him a chance despite his lies. Phee was hurt by the video, even after repeatedly asking Non to come clean about his problems and Keng.

18-year old Chay blocked Kim because regardless of the background information, Kim hurt him, and his own feelings took priority.

Explain to me like a five year old why 15-year old Phee is wrong for the same reaction.

"Because the situations are different?"

In regards to their age, relationship-duration and their knowledge about their significant other's situations, HOW. Just how.

[tbhimnoteasyonmyself]

9 Fandom Peeps to Get to Know You Better

First of all, thank you Mickey (@thisautistic) for tagging me <3. Super thrilled that you thought of me for this!!

Now...

3 Ships You Like

1. Kimchay (Kinnporsche)

My babies. I want to protect them both. They're precious and perfect to be put in situations. A force strong enough to have me cooking a longfic after years of not writing a single one. Do I need to same more?? Absolutely obsessed 💜💜💜.

2. Pangwave (The Gifted)

Obligatory mention to my special little ADHD x Autism duo. Don't even argue that they're not canon, if you think that it's bc you missed very significant subtext, I suggest you rewatch this series. Pls and thank you. I will NOT take any criticism.

3. Sandray (Only Friends)

I knew from their 1st sex scene that I was down bad but their trailer sex scene just completely rewired my brain. Is their dynamic fucked up? Yes. Will they hurt each other along the way? Absolutely. But they're on their path to something better and I believe in them. Bc if Ray is deserving of love even after everything that went down then so are all of us. And there's that.

First Ship Ever

Larry Stylinson! (from One Direction)

Straight back from when I was 13, going strong! kskskskssksk I'm not so much there actively in the fandom anymore, but know that I'm there in spirit. sksksksksks Could never abandon the reason for so much change in my life! Good memories!!

Last Song Heard

Nooit Meer Spijt by S10

It's such a good song! I'm not Dutch or Dutch-adjacent but I was introduced to S10 by a friend of mine who's Belgian and I fell in love with her music ever since!

Favorite Childhood Book

A Fada Oriana (The Fairy Oriana) by Sophia de Mello Breyner Andresen.

It's about a fairy named Oriana that has to take care of a forest but one day, while looking at the river, meets a fish who talks her into neglecting the forest, which causes a lot of trouble. Then, Oriana, has to learn how to repair the damage she made.

It's a book about responsibility, consequeses, the importance of individual action and learning from one's mistakes.

Currently Reading

Património Cultural: Realidade Viva (Cultural Patrimony: Live Reality) by Guilherme d'Oliveira Martins.

It's a book about the preservation of patrimony in Portugal under the context of belonging in the European Union in the 21st century.

It's not a very interesting book nor scientific, just a summary of Portuguese and European laws for people who don't wanna read the laws (?). I wouldn't read it on my own but it's a mandatory read for one of my classes in my Master's so I gotta ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

Currently Watching

23.5

I didn't know if I was going to but since GMM seems to be finally trying out more for the GLs, I feel like I need to show my support in this direction so I made the moral choice of watching as it airs to make it clear to them the audience for this is here and we want more of it!

So far ep.1 was super cliché and silly but I liked it a lot!! I want all the clichés for the girls too! Tired of seeing queer women suffer and die on screen...

2. 3 Will Be Free

It had been sitting on my watchlist for a while but I never gotten around to it for some reason... Nevertheless, my latest Wheel Decide™ for what to watch next landed on it, so... I'm watching it now!

2 episodes in only but I'm loving it a lot!! The plot's super interesting so far, really like the way they're going about it. Let's see where it goes!!

Currently Consuming

I'm gonna opt to mention the game I'm currently playing (besides Bloons TD 6, but I'm always playing Bloons, so... not news), which is Heaven's Vault by Inkle!

It's an extremely niche game, focused on figuring out an ancient language and, with it, the history of the world it's set in. It envolves robots, space travelling, discussions on xenophobia and religious intolerence and a lot more. I haven't finished yet but I'm loving the experience so far!

I understand it's not for everyone but I'm loving it!! <3 (not a Mickey D's reference, fuck Mickey D's)

Currently Craving

You know, I could go with bibimbap bc I really want some rn but I'm gonna go a bit deeper and say: after the terribleness of my last 2 relationships, all I really want is one that's not enirely chatastrophic. kskssksksksk That'd be pretty neat. kssksksk

So yeah... This was a lot of fun, actually!! I love to share stuff about media I like!!

Tagging @jukain4216 @lost-my-sanity1 @anthrotmnt @shannankle @defomin @aiyui @fiddlepickdouglas @tinysandwichstudent @sicknsadsicknrad @itsamzz28 @whomanist and any other of my lovely moots that hasn't directly been tagged but comes accross this <3.

All the love! 💜💜💜

[lillatorg]

"the alpha," "the omega," and a mean comment forever ago

I'm desperately trying to finish this anti-AI omegaverse AU I started because I am not allowed to work on more than two WIPs at once and the KimChay dragon AU is looming in my fever dreams, fueled by the evening I spent reading about ghost ships.

And because it is omegaverse, I've been thinking a lot about terms like "the alpha" and "the omega." The one negative comment I've ever received on my fanfic was that I overused those terms in Stain of Sun. The commenter said that if they'd done a shot everytime I said the "younger omega" or "the older omega," they would have alcohol poisoning by the end of the first chapter.

I deleted the comment and blocked them, obviously, but I can see their point. Especially as I finish the anti-AI-AU, where it is sooooo easy to just call people "the alpha" instead of "Kinn." Maybe it says something about me that I so easily un-named characters? Or perhaps it is about the power of the name.

I guess my one mean commenter ever* has actually resulted in a long-lasting impact on my writing. Now I'm looking over every usage of alpha and omega and wondering whether to keep them in or use the character's name.

Which is an interesting way to think about intimacy. When does a person stop being "my coworker," "my friend," "my acquaintance," and start being Name? At what point do I recognize their, I guess, interiority?

And if the characters have progressed to only calling people by their names, how do I maintain omegaverse continuity without regular references to alphas and whatnot? Which leads me down the whole "how do I feel about omegaverse due to its focus on gender" rabbithole. Sorry, I haven't answered this question because I don't want to know.

*there was a weird one that asked who was on bottom and who was on top, which was strange because there was no sexual content portrayed in the fic, so I guess they just wanted to know my thoughts on the matter? Odd.