#i have a lot of doctor's bills coming in that im cringing seeing

[stayatsam]

yay my new computer came! they got rid of the butterfly keyboard on the new model thank god, the mac butterfly keyboard was a nightmare

[trashmouth-tozierr]

i know no one asked for this post and no one will care but i had to write it down kinda for my own benefit to process my thoughts

i watched trainwreck again last night and i genuinely just don’t know how to feel, there’s so many different emotions that i face when i watch it that i honestly can’t tell if it’s one of my favourite movies to watch or if i absolutely hate watching it

first of all the fact that i utterly adore bill in it. like aaron is one of my absolute fave characters of his and his performance is astounding🥺 the stunning emotion from his performance is so perfect as well as his classic unmatched comedic genius but then second of all i just really dislike amy schumer, i really don’t find her funny and she annoys me a lot. basically any scene of hers doesn’t sit well with me and i just don’t care for it

buttt here’s where it gets really tricky

aaron and amy completely melt my heart. i adore their relationship and it just makes me so happy. it’s that classic typical het stereotype that i lived for as a teenager and it makes me feel like that again when i see it. like?? that face he does?? when uptown girl comes on?? PLEASE i am so here for it😍 it just makes me wish for that kind of relationship irl, all i want is someone to look at me like that.

i mean look at it :

(credit to barrysberkman for the gif🥰)

but then i also feel this weirdly inexplainable sad feeling when i think that. it’s hard to describe but i guess it comes from the fact that i know relationships like theirs don’t really exist in that way. life isn’t a rom-com and the reality is i will never have what those two do in the way they have it. it seems so intangible to me which for some reason upsets me. those moments which are supposed to make you feel warm and happy end up making me feel down and confused as well

i’m not sure if it’s because of aaron/bill personally, because i love him so much and i want him specifically to be that way with me (which is so cringe i know, shush) and not with mf amy schumer. or if it’s just that i want to have a trainwreck-esque love from someone in general

it also then brings up my body confidence issues (which is wack i knowww) i basically look at amy and i’m like “well i’m so much larger than her and i’m not as funny as her. i’m not pretty enough and my personality isn’t good enough for anyone to be like that towards me. i would be way too awkward to even hold a conversation like they do and i could never have sex like that, i mean i would be so nervous and awkward and not have a clue what i was doing at all... and me?? naked?? in front of them?? well that’s enough to make anyone run away” which i know is dumb and whatever but that’s just what my brain says

this is me for reference btw :

also this is not me seeking validation is any way or trying to be like “iM sO ugly!!” not at all!! i’m just saying that i don’t exactly look like the type of person a conventional sports doctor, hopeless romantic would go for. i mean looking at me you know i am nothing like amy and my life is nothing like hers

ANYWAY that’s beside the point. like i said, i know none of you care and this has no relevance to you andddd that it also sounds super dumb to post but i just had to get it off my chest

[leelee10898]

Double Trouble

Hey guys, @leelee10898 here. Since @cocomaxley & @ao719 posted their birth story... I figured I should get off my butt and do one, considering the twins were due months before them lol. This is just a little something I threw together, it also answers a few questions some had. So here we go...

Alicia leaned back against her husbands chest as she watched their twins enjoy the puppet show with the other kids. So many things had changed in a years time. The wild fun loving group were now all parents, they traded beers for bottles, and the guys weekly poker game turned into once a month, and weekly play dates. "Penny for your thoughts love?" Leo whispered in her ear. "Just thinking how fast time flies. It feels like yesterday they were born, and now they are 1." She sighed.

"Oh I remember it well." Leo chuckled as the two thought back to the day that changed their lives forever.

1 year ago…..

"God its so hot." Alicia whined as she fanned herself.  It was unseasonably hot and humid for April, and here they were sitting at a garden party to celebrate Regina's birthday. "I'm sorry love. I know you're miserable, how about a glass of Ice water?" Leo gave her a sympathetic smile, and a kiss on the cheek. "Ok fine. But a big one,  with lots of Ice." She pouted, as Leo motioned to a nearby waiter. "Oh, and a cookie. chocolate chip, no oatmeal raisin. Wait, No. yes. Ok bring both." Slightly confused the waiter wandered off to retrieve the duchess's requested items. Leo walked over to join the guys leaving Alicia with the other ladies.

"God its hot. Who the hell planned this?" Anitah huffed. "Um you did." Genevieve rolled her eyes. "Jesus I swear this pregnancy brain is going to be the death of me. I almost forgot to put underwear on this morning." She popped a grape in her mouth. "It is hot, but its a very nice day. Maybe you guys can go inside to cool off?" Pam suggested. Finally the waiter came back with Alicia's water and cookies. "How are you holding up honey?" Pam turned to Alicia who looked like she was stung by a bee. "Im hot, im huge, I can't see my feet. Speaking of feet, they're swollen and the amount of pressure and cramping today may just kill me." She blurted out, pam gave her a questioning look.

"God im sorry Pam. I didn't mean to snap, I just. Oh, ooooh, ugh." She cringed as she grabbed her stomach. Anitah shot her a look. "What's going on over there?"

"These damn Braxton hicks." Alicia grunted. "You sure its not gas?" Genevieve snickered. "Trust me, if I fart you'll know it Gen."

She composed herself and focused on picking at the cookie in front of her. Not having much of an appetite anymore, she took deep breaths trying to keep the pain at bay. The ladies chattered around her, Leo still talking to the guys.

Suddenly Alicia's eyes went wide. "My. My water broke." Genevieve looked over placing her hand on Alicia's "that's ok honey,  we'll get you another." Pam looked down at the liquid dripping from the chair. "Um Gen, no. Her water broke. The twins are coming."

Genevieve and Anitah froze, pure fear in their eyes. Alicia let out a long loud groan.  "Oh god. It's happening." Anitah panicked standing and knocking over her chair, Genevieve following suit. The two began to freak out, while Pam tried to soothe Alicia. The commotion drew the attention of the whole party, Leo grinning widely in conversation as he turned to face his wife. The smile soon faded as his eyes landed on Alicia's pain stricken face.

Leo took off running across the lawn, tripping over the leg of a table holding a large ice sculpture in the form of a swan. He landed in a rolling heap on the lawn, the table flipping over sending the ice sculpture into the air, landing in the fountain where Madeline, Kiara and Alexis stood, soaking them from head to toe. Bastian had Brad bring a car around, as Liam and Drake helped Alicia across the lawn. "My bag. Its in our car." Alicia breathed out, Rashad volunteered to grab it while Leo limped next to his wife.

They arrived at the hospital, Leo was treated for a sprain and Alicia was rushed to a delivery room.  Anitah, Liam, Drake, pam, Rashad and Genevieve sat in the private waiting area down the hall from the delivery room. Maxwell was in Texas visiting with Stephanie and Evie, Liam called him to let him know that Alicia was having the twins.

"You're 8 centimeters your grace. Not much longer until these babies are here." Another strong contraction hit her like a ton of bricks.  "Arrrrggg Fuuuuck! It hurts." She sobbed. "Leo, we are never having sex again." Leo chuckled as he rubbed his wife's damp head. "I think we both know thats not true."

"The fuck it isnt! Bambam better not come anywhere near pebblesssss, ahhhhh my god fuckkkk it hurts."

Leo's face turned a deep red as the nurse snickered.

Anitah paced the floor. "Anitah, sit down you're gonna wear the tile out." Genevieve teased as rashad rubbed her feet. "I can't just sit. Its been hours, we haven't heard anything yet. What if something's wrong?" Liam came up placing his hands on her shoulders.  "Everything is fine my love." Anitah glanced at the door opening it a crack and sticking her head out. She heard a blood curdling scream come from down the hall, a few doctors and nurses rushing into the room Alicia was in. Before Liam could grab her Anitah bolted out the door, down the hall and into Alicia's room where she could see a small head crowning.  

A doctor approached the queen, who was looking a bit green in the face "your majesty, are you ok? You don't look so well." He questioned

"Oh, im fi-" She leaned over vomiting on his shoes.  "Fine." She lifted her head just in time to see another doctor hold a tiny baby up, and hear a tiny cry. Anitah joined Leo next to Alicia. "One down, one more to go." The doctor said. "I had to make sure you were ok." Anitah sniffled as she looked down at the new baby in her bestfriends arms. "Will you stay here for the next one?" Alicia sniffled. "Of course." Shortly after Baby A was born, baby B made their way into the world. After the nurses cleaned them up and Leo and Alicia had time alone the group entered the room. "Everyone, I would like to introduce you to Leonard Joshua and Arabella Faith."

Leonard or LJ for short was born first  weighing 7lbs 2 oz and 20 inches long. Arabella was born 2nd weighing 6lbs 10 oz and 19 ½ inches long. Both babies were healthy, and did not need to spend any time in the NICU.

******

"So when are you two gonna make the announcement?" A voice pulled them from their thoughts. They looked over to find Stephanie sitting there. They both gave her a questioning look. "Oh come on. I may not live in Cordonia anymore, but Im not stupid." Stephanie had made the decision to move back home to Texas to care for her sick mother. Maxwell and her both made the amicable decision to divorce, but still loved each other very much. He would travel to Texas to visit and occasionally Stephanie could come visit Cordonia, just like for the twins birthday.

"Well I guess now is as good a time as any." Alicia squeezed Leos hand. They walked over getting everyone's attention.  "We want to thank everyone for coming today. And Celebrating the twins birthday. But, we also have an announcement to make." Alicia looked to Leo who then grinned. "We're having a baby. Just one this time." He smirked.

The group congratulated the pair. Drake looked at Liam and shook his head, pulling a crisp $100 bill from his wallet "Damnit Liam, I should've known better then to take that bet. Liam smirked "what can I say. I know my brother,  and I'm pretty sure those two will end up having the most kids out of all of us."

Drake rolled his eyes. "Ok, fair. But how about a new bet." Liam looked at his best friend intrigued "I bet Rashad and Gen are next." Liam chucked "I'll take that bet."

Tag List: @annekebbphotography @carabeth @moneyfordiamonds @give-me-ernest-sinclaire @3pawandme @indiacater @ooo-barff-ooo @ownworldresident @tornbetween2loves @perfectprofessorherokid @stopforamoment @editboutique @wannabemc2 @zaffrenotes @enmchoices @lauradowning29 @lodberg @smalltalk88 @laniquelove-blog @gibbles82 @heatherfilliez @drakesensworld @nikkis1983 @sweetest-marbear @classylady1234 @daniv2278 @rainbowsinthestorm @jared2612 @liamxs-world @notoriouscs @blubutterflyy @captain-kingliamsqueen @whenyourheartskipsabeat @lynne1993 @coldcollectornight08 @be-still-my-aching-heart @kennaxval @the-soot-sprite @hopefulmoonobject @emichelle @cgd03 @kate-mckenzie @mfackenthal @crookedslimecreatorpasta @jemrmax2love @sashatrr @speedyoperarascalparty @riseandshinelittleblossom

[skiasurveys]

405.

Do you feel comfortable wearing tube tops? - Honestly  with the right outfit. But I prefer crop tops, since I am short waisted they usually only show a little bit of my belly lol

Has something someone said today annoyed you? Yeah my co worker lol

Do you like listening to new music, or just sticking to your favorites? I always like new music 

Did you ever feel that there was something you couldn’t tell anyone? - Yes there are a few things

Do you tend to gossip, even if you don’t mean it to cause harm? sometimes. sometimes im just trying to vent or rant.

When was the last time you were bitten by a bug? Omg, i domnt know tbh

Have you ever gotten your hair permed? Nah

Do you have a pair of sunglasses that are worth over $200? Yup, 500, but i got them on a discount cus my mom works for an eye doctor. I would never spend that much hahah unless i was super rich

Would you ever go on a trip to Europe? Yes. I want to

Are you brave when it comes to trying new foods? Nope.

When was the last time you saw your significant other? Right now. We live together.

Is there a friend that you can always go to for advice? Yes, usually sasha.

If you see a piano, are you tempted to go over and play a little something? Lol, no. 

Is there someone you know who bakes amazing sweets? Jennifer hahah

Are you ashamed of your singing voice? I guess? I just cant hit the notes lol

Has anyone teased you with the “K-I-S-S-I-N-G” song? when i was a kid

Have you ever had a dream where you could understand a foreign language? Nope..lol

What time is it where you are? 8:45 PM

Do you have anything important to do tomorrow? Just work tomorrow 

Have you ever owned a beanbag chair? no i want one though.

If you own a laptop, do you have a case for it? Yes and I have a backpack thats meant for caring around electronics

What was the last movie you purchased on DVD? No idea, I dont buy DVDs anymore

Are you a fan of retro things? Yaaas.

Do you do your own laundry? Yeah, lol I hate it.

Have you ever used pastels? They’re fun 

Is there a song you’re listening to at the moment? Nah, I hardly listen to music when I do surveys tbh

Have you ever been in possession of a hundred dollar bill? Yes haha

Is there one food you cannot give up, even though you know it’s unhealthy? Mcnuggets

Will you bother having a party for your next birthday? Idk. This year I didnt do one, so who knows.

If you’re with someone right now, do you think it will last? I hope it does.

What was the last movie that was unable to capture your interest? IDk. 

Have you heard of the Irish actor Jonathan Rhys Meyers? No.

Do you have something to do, that you would rather not do? my job

Are you, in any way, feeling hopeless right now? Kinda

Is there someone you just need to call and talk to? Maybe not call.. 

Are you one of those people who can eat anything and not gain a pound? -Kind of? My eating habits are bad but i dont rly gain but i dont lose weight hgahaha

Are your nails painted at the moment? I wish :(

Is there a song you’ve been listening to lately on repeat? Not rly.

Do you know who you’re planning to ask to your grad prom? I graduated 5 years ago haha

When was the last time you went shopping? a while ago.

Is there anyone who did something absolutely hilarious today? - Nope.

Are you having one of those days where you feel unattractive? Not today 

Do you like hotdogs? sometimes i get these weird stages where i just love hot dogs for some reason lol

Do you ever get bored of your music collection and get new songs? Yeah sometimes I just need something new.

Have you ever bought a designer purse? Yes, Guess.

What’s the limit on how much you would pay for a shirt?

Depends on the shirt tbh.

Would you ever like to see the Walk of Fame? One day.

Have you been in any sort of physical pain today? a little.

Who were the last people you hung out with? My boyfriend

Has someone ever called you “obnoxious”? of course

Most commonly, do you obey rules, or break them? I obey, always hahaha

Do you like making funny faces in pictures? I usually like to take a good one and a funny pic

Is there something you look back on and go “I can’t believe I did that”? Yep

Are you good at offering advice? I feel like I am

When was the last time you had to resort to a map? not a physical one but google maps lol

Your significant other: have you told them you love them lately? Last night I did.

What was the last thing to confuse you? just work stuff

How many different colors have you dyed your hair? Dark brown, blonde streaks ( cringe), redish, red orange brown ombre (fire ombre), blonde, purple tips

Do you know someone who always spells “bored” like “board”? hahahaha yes.

Are you wearing make up right now? yes, that reminds me to clean it off lol

Is there a phrase that you use a lot? "you know”

Are you old enough to vote? yes

Do you have a favorite pair of earrings? I dont have my ears pierced. 

Are you a fan of Keira Knightley? Not a fan tbh but I dont dislike her? 

Have you ever resorted to alcohol to make you feel better? hahahah yes

Are you aware of the significance of the date April 14th, 1912?Titanic...?

Do you ever just lay back and watch the stars?

I do when its warm

Lately have you had much time to relax? nah

Did anything important/changing happen to you in March 2019? Not really in march.

Have you ever felt like a “new person”? yes.

Do you own any expensive jewelry? my rings 

Has there been someone in your life that just wouldn’t leave you alone? Yes, but i got rid of them hahaha

Do you hate to use public bathrooms? Usually but if i have to go, i go.

Would you consider yourself to be loyal? almost too much

Do you find most remixes of songs to be good or bad? depends on the song! some dont need it, some make them cool and unique.

[slusheeduck]

Goodbye

So I’ve been lowkey freaking out over @im-fairly-whitty ‘s Villain AU for a while now and wanted to do something for it for a while (aside from screaming about Ruy which I do almost 24/7), so here’s a quick little thing. Enjoy!

               When I’m older, I want to be a musician like you, Papá!

               The words rang so clearly in Héctor’s head that he half-expected to see a little boy laying in the gleaming white casket as he walked toward it. But no, no. That was a man lying in there—still and quiet and beyond any hope of being saved. He reached forward and lightly brushed a hair that seemed to be stuck out of place even in death.

               “Ay, Ruy, what happened to you?’ he murmured, as if his youngest son would open his eyes and answer him. Granted, Rodrigo probably wouldn’t have answered in life, either.

               “Well, it’s not like this is unexpected,” Teto had said when they got the news of Rodrigo’s car accident—he’d plunged off the road and into the bay; driving while intoxicated was what the coroner had finally said was the cause.

Teto had refused to attend the viewing, and it’d taken a good dose of wheedling to ensure he’d be at the funeral. Certainly they’d never gotten along—that fake tooth in Teto’s head was proof of it—but Rodrigo was still his brother and family came first. Even when they frustrated you. Even when you didn’t like them.

               Even when they’d turned their backs on the family for three years.

               Papá, look, I wrote a song! Can you listen to it?

               Héctor swallowed hard, eyes darting up to the lid of the casket. The funeral was in just a few minutes, and he’d need to close the lid soon. He should do it now, but…it was hard. It’d been hard with Leti, too—with the wig and makeup they’d put on her, she’d looked the healthiest she had in months.

               Was that it? Was that what had pushed Rodrigo away? Being constantly shooed off to Coco with a “Maybe later, Ruy,” while he and Imelda were busy with hospital bills, doctor visits, and his career on top of it all. That’s when the bright smiles started fading, when the sulkiness started, when the endless requests to play something with his Papá finally stopped.

               This wasn’t like Leti. The Rodrigo laying in this coffin looked nothing like his living counterpart. That Rodrigo was all constant, languid shifting, all quips and slow smiles and heavy-lidded eyes. He moved slowly, mostly due to his problems, but he moved constantly. This Rodrigo was too still, too serious. Héctor liked this one less than the living one.

               Even so, he still couldn’t shut the lid.

               I know it’s been a while, but I’m going to be conducting in El Distrito tonight. I know you have a couple gigs out here, so it’d really mean a lot if you could come see it, Papá?

               None of his other children had gotten his love of music. They had other talents, certainly—Coco had been one of the most distinguished dancers in México before she retired to have her family; Mateo was wonderfully diplomatic—though whether that was innate or from dealing with the two most argumentative brothers in México was up for debate—and did such beautiful things with the Foundation; and Teto, well, his head for numbers was practically legendary—just look at the Rivera Zapatos Corporation.

               But Ruy had always had music in him, ready to burst out the moment he gave it the chance. Pages and pages of sheet music had covered his floor as a kid—Héctor had given him a notebook, just like the one he’d had, but Rodrigo had filled it in less than six months. And the music he made was beautiful—vibrant and full of alegría, challenging the listener in its nearly manic liveliness. It was such a startling thing, hearing that come from such an angry, impulsive young man.

               Héctor had never managed to see Rodrigo conduct—there was never any time before Ruy ran away to New York—but he’d read the rave reviews about the performances, read articles about the near-child prodigy taking the musical world by storm with the way he pulled every conceivable emotion from the orchestras he led. There was a distant sort of pride in reading about Ruy; he was aware that this was his son, but he’d never seen him act the way these writers said he did. He couldn’t even imagine it.  

               There was one photo, on the front of some music magazine, that came out right after that first conducting job. Rodrigo, barely nineteen years old, staring straight at the camera, head held high with bright, clear eyes and the slightest hint of a smile—here was a young man ready to take on the world and all it had to offer.

               Héctor kept that one. After the accident, that had been the Rodrigo he wanted to remember. Not the last one he’d seen.

               “You’ve been disrespectful before but this, Rodrigo? This is the last straw. Out.”

               “Oh, no, looks like the problem child didn’t live up to your expectations again. Sorry, Papi.”

               “Your mother and I have been nothing but patient with you, and this is how you repay us? Ruining one of the few times we can be together as a family? Are you really that much of an ungrateful mocoso? I keep thinking I can’t be more disappointed in you but you keep. surprising. me.”

               “Maybe if this family were more than an ego stroke to you, it’d be worth caring about.”

               “What?”

               “Tío Héctor, what a family man! Tío Héctor, what a good father! The whole world thinks you’re this great papá because that’s what you tell people to think! You’re really just a selfish, self-absorbed cabrón with a brood of bootlickers! But what a family man, eh?”

               “Get. Out. Of. My. House.”

               “Don’t like hearing the truth? Sorry, Papi, but your youngest son’s the only one—”

               “You are NOT my son. Now get. OUT.”

               “…Papá?”

               Héctor rubbed his eyes, as if it could push away the image of his grown son cringing back like a scared child, brown eyes wide and frightened, cheek still red from the hard slap. That was the last he’d seen of Rodrigo before today.

               Dios, he’d never wanted it to end like this. He should have…

               “Héctor?”

                 Héctor turned, swallowing as Imelda, swathed in black, entered the room. She glanced at the open coffin, then up to him before her face softened.

               “You don’t want to close it.”

              ��Héctor tried to say that he would manage, that he had to do it and he would. But the moment Imelda’s hands rested on his face, he shook his head.

               “I don’t want to leave him like this,” he whispered, voice cracking. “I should have talked to him. I should have tried harder.”

               “But would he have listened?” Imelda asked gently. “We did the best we could with Ruy. We both know that.” As Héctor opened his eyes to look at her, he caught a glimmer of tears in hers as well. “He wouldn’t have changed. No matter what he did, he would still be the way he i—was.” She stroked his cheek. “But he’s home now. He’s here with his family. This is the most we’re able to do for him, mi vida.”

               Héctor swallowed and nodded. She was right. There was no way to go back, no way to fix whatever had broken their boy. For now, all they could do was tuck him in one last time.

               He took a deep breath as he broke away from Imelda and went back to the coffin. He raised his hands to the lid, pausing to get one last look at his youngest son—well, the still, quiet shell that was left of his son. A small hand rested over his own, and Imelda whispered, “It’s time to let him go, Héctor.”

               He took a long breath, then nodded. Both hands brought down the lid, and with a little click, Rodrigo was sealed away—leaving Héctor with nothing but bittersweet memories and endless questions about who his son could have been.

[md3artjournal]

Lately I’ve been thinking about the idea that “you are the story you tell yourself”. I used to think I could learn to do anything. Looking back, even if I wasn’t as good in reality, I still tried and actually did it. But now I don’t believe I can do anything, and I do find myself doing more and more nothing with my life. 

Looking at my Personal Myth identifying as a “monster”, it’s pretty clear I’ve been self defeatist for years now and that’s become a self fulfilling prophecy. Recently felt like I’ve been sinking even lower. I don’t just cringe at identifying as an artist—How can i with these so-called skills and such low productivity?—but I’ve acquired more self defeatist thoughts like becoming more comfortable in identifying as not an artist. I was going to finally open an online shop this coming year, finally moving on the realization that it would work much better with my anxiety than stressing/failing to sign up for more conventions. But I’m still scared about it. Especially now with all the exhausting COPPA and CCPA news making me too scared to do anything proactive online. I’ve been coming to more frequently tell myself the narrative that I’m just not suited to make a living as an artist and should probably go back to office work with art as a hobby. I used to add the thought that i can still sell online what i make as a hobby, but all the new internet rules/laws are scaring me off. I cant even renew my drivers license without freaking out! I cant even pat my bills online without hyperventilating (even tho i have enough money)! Maybe im not suited to even having a shop online. Owning a business is hard and maybe in not suited to this stress. Maybe i have to start ignoring all my sister’s much appreciated encouragements and return to an inconsequential office job. Maybe a quiet, invisible, less stressful job, where the employer handles worrying about how to correctly follow new laws, might be better for my anxiety. (Not that I’ve been officially diagnosed since I’m too afraid to go to the doctor. I’m just afraid all the time and don’t know what else to call it.) The sad thing is that in my previous office job, i used to daydream all the time that if i just had the time and energy, I’d be making so many things. But since my job took up all my time and energy to possibly do art, i couldn’t do anything fulfilling and so i forced myself into efforts to try fulfillment thru consumerism instead, since that seemed to be everyone else’s strategy. But really it was just self destructive spending. Adding to my long history of self destructive physical self harm, procrastination, negative self talk, suicidal thoughts, etc. Maybe its genetic; my bro recently admitted the same lack of energy and time to do anything fulfilling after work, had gotten him into over consuming alcohol, even tho he’s barely an avid drinker vs normal people. If alcohol didn’t taste disgusting to me, i’d have probably become an alcoholic a long time ago. I could relate too much. So i feel like returning to an office, even if it might better suit my anxiety, is still giving up on life and dooming me to repeat my last experience of unfulfillment being vented thru self destruction. But hey, collecting anime figures is fun. And photographing them is fulfilling even if I’m terrible at it. Still feels sad to give up as an artist tho. The more i think these things as my self narrative, the more i can see it becoming my identity. I noticed that I’m drawing a lot less. I’m not motivated to craft at all anymore…not that i did as much as i thought i wanted before. But even tho illustration is my weakest skill, i used to do daily drawing challenges for every single month (that i wasn’t stressing over taxes or artist alley crunch time). …i also used to tell myself i was a writer, way back when. And that self narrative drive me to constantly improve and practice. It was something i could undeniably identify with and take pride in. We really are the stories we tell ourselves. But now my story is about giving up. And everyday i skip a drawing challenge, the more aware if this defeatist turn in my life and its inevitability. Just reinforces all my suicidal thoughts I’ve kept since i was 11. What a futile existence that never should have been.

[bloggy-hell]

MOVIE REVIEW: Passengers (2016)

PASSENGERS (2016): dir. by Mortem Tyldum Lead Actors: Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence My Rating: 7.610 Best Audience: Teen to adult audience with at least a small interest in the sci-fi/post-apocalyptic genre. Great Date Movie Idea!

Quick, Non Spoliery Synopsis by Yours Truly: 

A mixed pot of romance, action and sci-fi, the film Passengers finds a space ship malfunctioning 90 years before it is to reach its destination, awaking Jim Preston from his suspended slumber much earlier than his 5000 companions. It is here where Jim, portrayed by Chris Pratt must sacrifice his morals, love and even safety for the future of the ship and all of those on board, as once you have woken up in the middle of a 120 year journey, there’s no going back to sleep.

Nitty-Gritty Review Time 

*Definitely CAN’T guarantee no spoilers in this zone and below so God’s Speed my friends*

Did I enjoy this film?

Yes, on a basic level. The visuals were great, acting on point, the romance and action most thrilling…. However the storyline itself….? Honestly, the more I delve into the plot, the more points begin to jump out and irk me.

The Concept

I feel like nowadays everyone is at least familiar with the idea of leaving Earth for an alternative inhabitable planet in the future before we all start living on top of one another. Therefore for the ready-minded citizen, the idea and technologies of the story don’t seem too complex to understand.  Here we have a space ship of the future throwing itself lightyears from Earth which transforms itself from 120 years of suspended human animation to the equivalent of a luxurious cruise for the final 4 months of travel. And the period where the ENTIRE ship is sleeping? total ghost town.

Characters

Now Jim Preston is portrayed by Chris Pratt who although billed second to Jennifer Lawrence, stands as the protagonist of this film. Jim is shown from the beginning as a practical, engineeringly skilled man in search of a new life away from Earth. With simple morals and desires, he reminds me of nothing but an Aussie tradie searching for a quiet life and an attractive lass to settle down with after work each day. Jim lives for the lifestyle in which the ship and new planet promotes to potential investors in the seemingly ginormous capitalised organisation. He is therefore left nearly hopeless at his awakening 90 years prior to arrival. Pratt, undertaking a largely serious role on comparison to his past stints with Parks and Recreation and Guardians of the Galaxy, overall shines as our alpha-male frontman determined to fix the malfunctioning ship and save the 5000 lives on board. Opposite Chris, Jennifer Lawrence is Aurora, conveniently sharing a name with Disney’s ‘Sleeping Beauty’ who is awoken by Jim in his desperate need for human (particularly female) contact on the lonely ship. Jen, who we’ve now seen in a variety of roles is quite familiar with the futuristic ‘save the world’ setting in which she shines. And whilst she is not purely Jim’s helpless love interest, for once Jen takes a backseat as the almost supporting character role in the heroic tale. As a born-bred hunger games fan I find myself almost biased in my praise for Lawrence as an actor as her versatility in character, style, personality and raw emotion is next to limitless. I mean. she didnt get those Oscars for just throwing a costume on and showing up on set. Despite these talents though, you never see her overpowering Pratt, who strongly holds his own in this movie which, although from the sci-fi genre, truly paves a future for him in more serious upcoming roles.

Chris and Jens chemistry as a couple was pure fireworks. Some say you only need put 2 attractive people in a room together to really build the basic sparks of your fire but i completely disagree. Chemistry comes from deep within, a connection to ones own emotions as well as their characters and the ability to intertwine them with others. I believe that it is a true art form, a dedication to an actors work which should never be brushed off with something as basic as ‘looks’. The 2 frontliners who have many an experience with onscreen romance completely nailed the almost insecurity that comes from being one of only two people awake on an enormous vessel as well as the dependence that they develop on each other. brava.

The Set and Visuals

I think we can all agree that nothing’s worse sometimes than some bad CGI, which i saw nothing of in this film. Many of the scenes presumably filmed on green screen appeared crafted by Gods as the clean, sleek and fresh architecture of the future remained as such for the entirety of the film. From the Hibernation pods to the bedrooms and public spaces of the ship, the smooth modern touch of curves, mezzanines, illuminations and extremely basic colour schemes really took me into the future, joined by the new technologies of the plot. These aesthetic visuals recall images of brand new houses or cars, yet to be touched by the wear of humans and really emphasise the ‘new life’ that the many Passengers would soon be experiencing.

The Plot

I was on a mixed platter with the writing of this film. The physical script was great, funny, intelligent and hardly cringe. The futuristic technolgies and outerspace caastrophes always delivered asthe developed romance between the 2 lone passaengers did. But sometimes i just wasnt fully there with them.

As much as I hate to break it down like the ghost of english teachers past, every story must have a beginning, middle and end and every character must have objectives and actions to reason why exactly they do everything which is written. I feel like Passengers had a strong beginning and middle, a clear path and direction from where Jim wakes up and everything is explained to when he and Aurora fall in love and she discovers the classic character betrayal (predictable af right?). The middle to end however is where it gets uber messy. Jim’s objective in life is defined at a fresh start on the new planet where he is needed and he can build and grow. Aurora’s is quite different, putting her writing career first and travelling only to be able to write about her experiences and be appreciated back on Earth. These are clear and whilst not set in stone, need to be remembered.

As we near the end of the plot where Jim and Aurora whilst not on good terms must fight to save the ship, it is clear that their objectives seem to go out the window. All writers love a good heroic act and happy ending i know, but with audience predictability and confusability at its finest, sometimes it best to be realistic with the plot. After both characters commit heroic acts to save the lives of those on board and coincidentally save each others lives they simply just decide to grow old together on the space ship, righto. And I know its supposed to be cute and romantic and happy and im sorry but it’s just not believable, it is to me, the writer’s easy way out to an ‘enjoyable’ movie.

And just when you thought I was finished I would also like to tack on a small plot hole I found in the story. As the lovebirds develop their relationship, we see them running round participating in the complimentary activities of the ship from basketball to dance off’s. They also showed the ships passing of a nearby star where the couple marvels at its beauty as the ship voiceover announces its passing. But technically guys, they were all supposed to be asleep in their pods when they passed this particular phenomena so why on earth would it be programmed into the voiceovers in the first place? I understand that their being awake activated a lot of the services but there is really no need to prepare to view a star that nobody is going to be awake to see #plotholeeees.

In Summary:

Despite my finalising with plotholes and slight writing criticisms, I still thoroughly enjoyed watching Passengers. As a not too common sci fi watcher (beside the occasional doctor who binge) I found the films technologies to be easy to follow and understand and praised the art directions and set & costume designers for their simplistically elegant designs. Further praise also to the great acting from Jen and Chris who I will continue to place my faith in with future epics.