#i have a hard time thinking anything that came out after my grandmother died is very old

[a9saga]

baekhyun - bambi // not too far a throwback but damn its suave as fuck

[hauntedwitch04]

Lucifer II

Nyx Acheron x reader

Words: about 2.9k words

Warnings: blood, death, murder, sad things in general, shitty biological family BUT in this a lot of fluff too :)

Author's note: This is the second part for a request by a follower on Wattpad, that I personally loved and I wrote this during the night. It's not complited, the second part will be out soon, but it was getting to long. Hope you like it loves, your witch Becky

Lucifer I

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Your breath catches in your throat as you try not to let anything show in your expression and try to come up with a plan as that monster you have for a relative moves toward you, while you still have your back to her.

"I see that as usual she does nothing." My aunt says in a croaky, sour voice to the elderly village chief, who looks at me worriedly, and then lays his eyes on her and lowers his head slightly, thus hinting at an elegant greeting, which that woman certainly does not deserve.

"I am as always at your disposal, after all, by now your word is law." Responds the elderly gentleman in a grave and sad tone, before being interrupted again by that withered crow.

"If you would do everything I've asked you to do over the years, I wouldn't have been forced to have a new boss elected in your place or even bargain with a gang of rowdy kids to make you lose your job." She shouts, chuckling at the end, looking satisfied.

"So she was the one who instigated the rebellion movements by those boys, and she's not even a little ashamed of it? And then what's this about there being two tribal leaders, I really don't think High Lord knows anything about that or he would have informed us." Says Nyx, interjecting himself into the discussion, in an authoritative and serious tone, as I hear him approach me slightly, as if he sensed my discomfort at being here right now.

"Yes, I was about to inform you that for two weeks now I have been "discharged" from my role as camp superintendent. I hope I have not offended you in this way, in case it was not my intention, just I was pleased with the idea of escorting you personally." The gentleman confesses.

"No offense taken, in fact we very much appreciated your gesture and I think I speak for both of us in thanking you." You say in a confident tone as I try hard not to lay my eyes on the worst of your nightmares, but out of the corner of your eye you see her squinting as she comes toward you, as if sensing that there was a secret in you that you were hiding from your eyes in every way.

With her, just like a demon that never dies, came your grandmother. On her face the years passed showed, but the evil spirit still shone through her eyes.

The two women, now part of your small circle, do not hide their personal conversation from your ears.

"Do you think it's her?" Your grandmother asks her daughter, but the other is too busy looking at you to answer her mother.

You feel Nyx brush against the wall you had erected in your mind, and without thinking about it you allow him to enter, knowing that either way that one would collapse at the first blow from those two harpies when they finally realized who you were.

"One nod from you and these two women will be in ashes. And remember, we can blow it all up and leave whenever you wish." He says in a calm and gentle tone, as if we were talking about the activity we prefer to do in our spare time and not about killing two people and subverting an order from his father.

"You don't even know who these women are, how can you say you want to kill them? And then what would Rhys say?" Answer trying to maintain a modicum of lucidity.

"I don't need to know who they are, if just the sight of them hurts you and makes you nervous, that's enough to slit their throats with my own hands." He argues this time in a colder, calmer tone, so much so that it makes you shiver, though I don't know if it's because of the thrill of terror at seeing that calm murderous will in his eyes, or the excitement of having someone ready to defend you so blatantly in front of everyone, to kill in your name, no matter how terrible death is.

Too engrossed in your conversation, you do not realize that your aunt had approached you and grabbed your wrist, uncovering an old scar that she had left you many years before.

Frightened you immediately retracted your wrist, crushing it against your chest, as if to hide something that unfortunately everyone had already seen.

"I knew it, I knew it, that even after all these years you would come back to finish what you started! You filthy whore! You killed my beloved husband! And your sisters, who were like daughters to me! You, you are cursed! You slut, you are nothing but scum! And now you have come to kill us too! Help! Help me!" She began shouting out of nowhere, flailing and seeking the attention of everyone in the village, but you were petrified.

How dare that witch blame you for the murder of your sisters! How could she know that they were dead! Had they found them? Had they desecrated their grave?

A blinding rage rose up through your body and there was no way to quell it. You took your sword from your side and pointed it at his neck, while the flames of hell snaked in your eyes. Nyx, by your side, had not moved an inch and neither had the elderly gentleman, knowing better that now was not the time to interfere, although doubt was painted on the handsome face of your young friend.

"Don't you dare sully their name with your poisonous mouth, you witch! If anyone has to pay for what he has done it is you, the other hag behind you and your husband, who, however, has already had to taste my blade." You say in a cold, detached tone, as if a demon had taken possession of your spirit, before letting loose in a deep, icy laugh. "I am not afraid to soil my hands with blood again, in fact I am looking forward to the pleasant sensation of my sword penetrating your throat."

"You will end up in hell for what she did, you know that right? Mother will leave you no escape." Speak this time your grandmother, who until now had been silent, but from her expression you could read a kind of resignation to what was about to happen, as if she expected that sooner or later, like an avenging angel, you would return to bring justice to earth.

"Save me a seat then, see you down there." You answer, before slitting her throat with a gesture so lightning fast that even Nyx did not expect it. She could not mask her astonishment for the first few moments, only to return to the cold mask of the prince of darkness, which you had come to appreciate with time. You had decided to kill her first, to drive her daughter, who at the moment was screaming like a little girl who finally sees the monster hiding every night under her bed, a little more crazy.

Red blood flowed out of the elderly woman's throat, soiling her dress and a little of yours as her hexamenous body fell to the ground.

However, the elderly gentleman, who was shocked by your such a violent act, said nothing and continued to look at your aunt who was now in despair tearing her hair out as she begged for someone's help from her monstrous niece.

Thus came, hearing the screams, a man whom you recognized as an old friend of your uncle's who, seeing the body of your grandmother examined and you still holding the bloody sword, ran toward you. Once he got closer, he took a better look at the scene and squared you up.

"You are the little one who killed my friend, aren't you?" He left you no time to answer that with a hidden sword, he wounded your face with the intention of frightening you and making you fall to the ground, as it happened, so that once in the mud, it would be much easier to put the sword to your throat and look into your eyes as you took your last breath.

But something you did not expect happened; he passed the sword into your aunt's hand, while the man held Nyx down, who, with the strength of a wild animal hunted by a hunter, was flailing restlessly, looking for a way to help you.

"And so ends the story of our little rebel, doesn't it? You thought you were so much smarter than us, so much better, but all you did was make my job easier. I've been waiting for years for that old woman to croak, and before that I've been waiting for that pig of a husband I got to do it, if I'm honest you did me a favor, and for that I think I'll thank you by sending you to your mommy and little sisters, what do you say?" Says your aunt in a mocking tone, as you feel the sword blade enter, slowly, more and more into your throat. You would have died there, of that you are certain. "Ah wait, you won't go to them. You've been a bad child, and as such you will burn among the worst demons, because that's what you are after all: a monster."

You do not have time to process what is happening, that the man holding Nyx hostage falls, under a mortal blow inflicted by the elderly village chief, thus freeing the young prince who, with a small knife that he always keeps hidden in his jacket sleeve, strikes your aunt in the arm so that she can no longer hold the sword, which she lets fall on your neck, scratching it slightly.

You with a quick gesture, grab the handle of the sword and move it so that your aunt crouching and bending over herself in pain, meets your weapon and kills herself, piercing her stomach with it.

"I am what you taught me to be." You say, before you could almost see his soul expire from his lips, but instead probably what you saw was a trickle of blood that came out of his mouth and, like a signature, had settled on your clothes.

You stay still for a few seconds, breathing noisily through your mouth, as if you had just finished a marathon, before the terrible fear that had triggered you inside this murderous rage comes back, and the panic rises from your belly to your brain, passing through your heart, before driving you mad.

Without warning you get up, and start running at a breakneck pace, your muscles burning and your eyes watering from the wind, to the only place where those fears could end. Your feet, without even thinking about it, carry you to the clearing where thick lavender plants cover everything. You stop to observe that wonderful sight, which hides within itself, however, a terrible secret and a sad truth. You do not realize that Nyx has followed you until he speaks, in a whisper, as if already that same place has also conveyed to him the same sacredness that it had conveyed to you years before.

"Are you okay?" He asks you, already knowing for himself how stupid that question was. A thought paints itself clear inside the young man: he should have taken you away from the very beginning, when you had been sick in the woods at the mere thought of remembering that little village.

You do not answer him, but advance through the flowers, like an automaton, until you reach the place where you know you will find two small stones, under a willow tree, with your sisters' names engraved on them.

Once you get to the place, you squat down and move the lavender to reveal those two boulders, so imprinted in your memory, that often at night they appeared as clear to you as if you were holding them.

Taken by a fit of rage, you began to uproot the various plants, so as to clear their grave, without even whom to be angry against: With you, for leaving that place for so long, almost letting the memory of your sisters be forgotten in this forest; with Mother, for snatching your sisters away from you so soon or for taking them in your place; with your aunt and uncle, for somehow killing them, making them suffer and forgetting them; or with your parents, for leaving you, even though you know perfectly well that the latter is the most irrational of all. Nyx, who had again silently followed you, also begins to pluck flowers. Once finished, you pause to look at your handiwork, but you cannot stop yourself from falling to your knees on the ground, then bursting into tears.

Nyx in the blink of an eye is beside you, but he dares not touch you, knowing that you need to vent right now.

He lets you cry for several minutes, with endless sobs, until you have no more tears to cry.

"Lucifer, do you want me to call my father? He'll take us right back home, and I'll also tell him never to let you come here again-" Nyx says then all of a sudden, all in one breath, as he looks at you with frightened eyes, before being interrupted by you.

"Why do you always call me Lucifer?" You ask in a low, rough voice, but loud enough to stop the boy, who stops and looks at you confused.

"What?"

"Why do you always call me Lucifer? Do you really think I'm as bad as the devil in the stories that go around these mountains. A three-faced monster at the head of Hell, ready to punish damn and offend the righteous? Do you really hate me that much?" You ask, showing him a side you had never before shown him, the other part of you besides the fierce and unscrupulous fighter: the weak and delicate part, which for years you had hidden in a stone prison you had built around your heart.

"Absolutely not." He replies confidently as he looks at you. You still keep your face turned toward the ground, so he takes your chin with one hand and brings your eyes up to his. "You don't know the real story of Lucifer?" He asks you, continuing to speak. You shake your head as you lose yourself in his lavender eyes, the same one that surrounds you.

"Lucifer, whose name was not yet so called, was the most beautiful angel in heaven, who decided not to bend to the will of Fate, and so because of his fighting and noble spirit he was cast down to earth, taking away his grace, but this certainly had not made him any less beautiful. The princess of the Court of Night found him when he fell, at the break of dawn, and because of his ethereal beauty she named him Lucifer, or Morning Star. The girl took him in, caring for him and giving him a life in her court, not realizing that he was slowly falling in love until he had totally won her heart." Nyx narrates, while you are silent. "Nowadays we have forgotten this story, and we associate the name of Lucifer with an ancient superstition of a barbarian people, but I like to remember instead that of a fallen angel and a simple human in love, because-" Nyx, pauses for a moment, as if weighing the words he wants to use, then continues. "Because it reminds me of how I feel about you. You never told us why you came to our family, but right from the start the first thing I thought upon seeing you was that you were the reincarnation of that angel: fallen and aching, proud and damned at the same time. You, who had always brightened my days, made me fall in love with you little by little, until I realized that there was an even deeper bond between us." He finishes, touching your left cheek with his right hand, as you feel something burst in your chest, only to see a golden thread come out of your heart to connect with his.

You stand open-mouthed at that sight as you feel more tears coming to your eyes.

"I can't believe it." You say, trying to process all the emotions you were feeling. "I don't deserve it. I don't deserve you. You don't know what I've done, so many horrible things." You continue, as he nods his head.

"Don't talk nonsense, you deserve this and much more. Take all the time you want, I'll be here waiting for you." He says, and for the first time in that day, a sincere smile breaks out on your face as you can already imagine the life that awaits you by his side.

TAGLIST

@winchestergirl222 @nothingimportentreally @duda @itsmeseph @lys-neyr8 @nyotamalfoy @anonimusy @marigold-morelli @luna-1-3-5 @esposadomd @thotd-f1 @humanpersonlasttimeichecked @backups-backups @daeneeryss @hjgdhghoe @theviewfromtheotherside @e_dollly @holb32 @kierramofficial

[new-tella-us]

Parental Loooooore

Mika, David and Harold edition.

Funnily enough, despite the fact that @seducemefanficsandheadcanons said I inspired them to go over Aron's family tree, I have to credit them for the reason I really wanna dive into Mika, David and Harold's backstories. So thanks for that! :D

Also this is gunna have a LOT of projecting cause this was basically my family.

Let's start with the childhood of David. David is the only child of Harold Anderson and his wife Annabell Anderson. (side note, if anyone remembers how the daughter of James and Mika was named "Annabelle".... that was pure coincidence. I did not mean for that to happen but, yknow what? It's canon now, Mika named her daughter after her grandmother) You would think that means that David had a nice childhood but not easily. Harold was a FAR stricter parent back in his youth. It was how he was raised and how he raised his son.

David was always expected to run the family business and adopt Harold's reputation as the strongest warlock of the Abyssal Plains. He learnt business and magic at a young age and the pressure was high. David's response to the pressure was to emotionally shut down and simply do what he was told believing it would lead to a better future in the end.

As a person, David is cold, calculated and a strict planner. He was not emotionally there for his child, again thanks to the aforementioned emotional shut down. Even though Laura tried to gently push David in the right direction, he was too stubborn to see what she was trying to tell him and he missed out on truly raising his daughter because of that. Harold would try to reach out to David but he was already iced out of David's life by then.

Now let's cover something here. This backstory is the reason David treated Mika the way he did. However, David still did Mika wrong by not putting down his walls to comfort her. It's an explanation, not an excuse. And after a certain age, David becomes responsible for his own action, he can't (and fair enough, doesn't) point to Harold and blame him for anything past his childhood.

So what changed between the Harold Anderson that raised David and the Harold Anderson that Mika knew? Simply put, he grew old. Harold realized that being strict with yourself and others was a sad way to live and that made him look back at how he raised David and ask "Was I too hard on the boy?". The answer is yes, obviously. Harold didn't want David to raise Mika the way that he raised David so he would try to intervene in small ways to give Mika the safe space David should have had.

Of course, that unintentionally created a rift between Mika and David when it came to Harold as they both essentially got two different Harolds and thus two different impressions of who Harold Anderson is.

Does David hate Harold? No. Just like how Mika doesn't hate David and even wants to make him proud to a certain extent, David still cared about his father and somewhat still sought his approval. David was just bitter at how he was treated. When Harold died, David was upset, devastated even but, he refused to let himself grieve and threw himself right back into his work. It seemed like he didn't care but he did.

Does David himself eventually grow the same way Harold did? Maybe not as dramatically but, yes. By the time Mika has kids of her own, David will have the same realization that life kinda sucks when you're too strict and that he was too cold to his daughter so he's much warmer to his grandchildren than he was to Mika. The major difference is that Mika finally broke the cycle of generational trauma by not being a strict, cold parent like her grandfather and father.

Though funnily enough, there is still a route where a strict, cold father is a problem. Enter James. The more I think about Mika and James, the more I realize how similar their backstories are and the results are that James becomes the next cold father on the list. Definitely not as cold as David or Harold but he's got some issues. And now that David has taken the metaphorical stick out of his ass, he can then beat James with it because there is no way in hell that David is going to let James basically start up the cycle again.

[dreamwritersworld]

What if…? (Sully family x reader)

As you know I made ‘the chore’ and ‘once innocent’ series, which I suggest you read first! This is story however is What if…? Y/n never made it out alive. What would Tuk do? How would Neytiri and Jake feel if they knew their daughter was gone for good?…ENJOY! 💞

My name is y/n, like goddess of the moon! I was 14 years old when I was murdered…..on a day only meant for spotting.

As I watched my father not hesitate to leave me, regardless of loak's words telling him I was hit as well….I could feel my own body start to give up on me too.

I tried so hard to push through, the burning in my heart hurt. The longer I stayed here the more I'm in risk of being hit. As I was getting up, I was hit with a gunshot right through my arm and somewhere else but I couldn’t even tell…I was losing blood quick. It gave me the push to jump on my ikran…..adrenaline was fully taking over. It could only last for so long, I'm not going to see Tuk anymore if I don't make it to Tsahik.

I was so tired, my body felt so heavy, I was losing control of my ikran... tried getting closer to the ground before I took a drop.

My body was numb...I couldn't feel anything below my chest. However I couldn't ignore the fact that an old piece of a broken plane was piercing through my stomach. I began screaming out for help…hoping someone would listen to me for once…no one can hear me.

Coughing out blood.

Last breath coming out.

Burning in my lungs.

Internally bleeding.

“h-Help! Please! N-no..”

I tried shaking away the tiredness but my eyes were getting heavier…

I was bleeding out and I died in a puddle of my own blood.

*

I know dad was upset at Lo'ak and Neteyam for not following rules but Y/n was nowhere to be found... where was Y/n?

After dad stopped yelling at my brothers I rushed in to ask him about Y/n.

"She's fine Tuk. She'll come soon." He gave me a reassuring smile and pat making me fully satisfied in his words. Maybe y/n was just cooling off ?

Eclipse came in and Y/n still wasn't home. When I had mentioned it to father he only said “She has extra duties tonight. Y/n needs to put her part in Tuk.” I sigh and walked away…something’s wrong.

When I woke up and no one was there…my heart dropped. Where’s Y/n?

I rushed around the village looking for Kiri.

“Kiri! Kiri! Something is wrong! Y/n is gone! She hasn’t returned since the war. Please come with me sister just to check around!”

Kiri looked at her grandmother with slight concern as her grandmother’s eyes showed complete worry.

“I will be back grandmother.”

Kiri left with Tuk and they had been searching for three hours.

“Ok…maybe Y/n just needed some time to herself Tuk?” It was clearly evident that Kiri was growing impatient.

“No! She would never leave without taking me or telling me.”

I turned away thinking of something to do next to find Y/n until I heard her words.

‘I want you to meet a couple of good warriors. Remember my friend Rey’akana? Well the people I’m going to have you meet are warriors he worked with that are just as strong!…if I’m not there for you when something is happening you go to them immediately Tuk.’

“…I know someone who can help, follow me!”

I rushed Kiri to come with me to the group of warriors that were relaxing after returning from war, I started speaking to Rey’akana’s old partner…explaining what was going on.

“…i don’t know but something happened! It’s not like Y/n to leave without me or not tell me. Please help me search for her.”

The group of warriors didn’t protest and followed Tuk’s order.

Kiri was pulled in another direction by Tuk as they searched for Y/n…following Evung (Rey’akana’s old partner)

Tension was high, I still had a sick feeling in my stomach. Maybe i was hungry..? Y/n wasn’t here to make any breakfast …I could sure go for her small lunch meals she makes for late work right now. My mind was stopped when I had spotted something from a far.

“I think I got something! Follow me!”

Both of them followed me as I rushed in turning the corner stopping when I saw a navi…dead from afar. There was so much blood I couldn’t unsee it.

I begin tearing up before Evung puts me to a stop.

“Close your eyes. Both of you.”

However I couldn’t turn away…no amount of training could’ve prepared Evung to not show any emotion staring at the navi. He seemed so torn about it…I couldn’t take enough of this so I pulled onto the hand Kiri was holding to rush to the navi…scared it’d confirm my fears.

“No! No- not Y/n!” Kiri dropped to her knees right next to screaming Tuk. The healer had to watch the young girl scream the most painful cries she’s ever heard. Kiri couldn’t even process it, her sister was laying before her with her entire lower half of her body practically shredded.

With the way Tuk cried…she was taking an angel by her wings and begging for everything. “y/n please no! Stay one more day please….I heard you..call for help I-I heard your S.O.S…I sent out an army to find you, just like you said Y/n. I’m so sorry.”

I looked down to me being covered in my own sisters blood…there was no way to describe the damage done to her body, I bet she was so numb she didn’t even feel how much she truly went through. Just had to sit in pain, like always. She had a gash on her side and arm…bullet wound on her arm, she had old pieces of some plane buried deep into her….her head was bleeding from the inside out, and then there was a gun shot piercing through her…chest.

“I-I’ll keep my promise Y/n! I’ll live, that’s my job now.”

Evung couldn’t believe what he was seeing Y/n was truly raised by Rey’akana. She spoke his words and it broke him even more that Y/n’s story was repeating. He called for the search party to be over and all warriors rushed to where they were told Y/n was , all showing horrific faces when they saw the accident. Some shed tears, and some couldn’t even wrap their head around it.

They pulled her from the pieces that cut deep wounds in her and had a warrior get a cover up, if y/n was going to die like this she at least deserved to have her death private just like Rey’akana’s…

I still had tears in my eyes the whole walk through…In a way Y/n prepared me for her death. Anger was fully taking over, my own father didn’t care about where Y/n was. No one cared to even check. I wanted to bring justice to Y/n, someone or something failed her…she was a strong warrior, this would not happen by coincidence. I asked the warriors to place her body in our home. Y/n never felt at home here but it’s where our memories laid.

Surprisingly everyone was home they were confused when Evung placed Y/n down on the floor paid their respects and left while Kiri was crying. Realization hit mother when she finally stopped looking back and forth and slowly to Y/n taking off her cover up. While dad just went numb seeing Y/n’s destroyed body. My brother just cried and cried beside Kiri. I was so mad, so mad at everyone for failing to realize her absence.

“Bury her, mourn your losses…someone did this and I will not stop until I find out who failed her.” Lo’ak and Neteyam’s eyes go wide as father just looks up with full guilt written all over his face in that spilt second…I knew.

“…what did you do! I know you did something! You killed her didn’t you! Why did you do that?! I needed her!” Father quickly puts his hands up, shaking his head. “Tuk this is not the time-“

“You did it! I know you did! You will not speak at her burial! None of you will! You didn’t even know her.” Neytiri was fully enraged how could Tuk lash out in a moment like this. “Stop it Tuk!”

I was quick to turn to her, hissing. “You will not stop me, I will keep fighting for my sister. None of you even knew she was gone.” Everyone had shock display on their faces…but how could they blame me? I just lost the one person who took care of me…every step of the way. That night I took Y/n’s bed and wrapped clothes, jewelry, hair pieces anything that was her’s in a secured bag, to capture her sweet home scent. I was ready for my speech and I watched how my father turned in bed, guilt was swallowing him.

Jake didn’t cry when Y/n was hurt but now that’s she’s dead it hurt. This time he’s got to know where did Y/n go? She was the daughter he barley got to know but had some strong feeling toward, so strong that he was so frustrated she pulled him in every time he saw her. He wasn’t entirely there…he knew Y/n was hurt but not that badly, he wasn’t able to see with the flames and smoke. He realizes he still shouldn’t have left her. Half of him disappeared with her…he didn’t even know his own daughter, just knew words passing members of the clan would say about you…all good words.

Neytiri mourned her daughter…the daughter that took care of Tuk. Y/n truly was like no other and she was only able to view Y/n from afar. Neytiri’s mother told her about the death Y/n had seen when she was a little girl….even scolded Neytiri for not know where Y/n was or what she was thinking. Neytiri saw how damaged her relationship with her own daughter was, how could she ever go up to Y/n and make it up to her…she just silently watched Y/n from afar, jealous of how certain people knew more about her whereabouts then her own mother. Neytiri did have small memories of young Y/n…y/n never realized how much she saved Neytiri. The little girl brought joy during her younger days when Neytiri was going back to a saddened state about her fathers death. While y/n saved her, Neytiri failed her…she couldn’t stand up for Y/n the way she did for everyone else

… ‘Now you know there was a girl named Y/n Sully. And that she saved me. In every way that a person can be saved….I don’t even have a picture of her. She exists now…only in my memory.’ …

There was something Y/n had that left a mark on everyone…maybe it was the way she expressed her emotions silently, or maybe it was the way she calculated everything…

We had sent Y/n with Eywa. Everyone in the clan mourned her. They knew her as the little joyful girl who ran around teaching and learning. Y/n was so patient she never got frustrated showing people new skills and techniques…she loved sharing things she’s observed. Everyone knew more about Y/n but her own family…everyone in the family except me of course. It was now time to tell everyone stories about Y/n…

“My sister…” I tried to push back tears struggling to talk until the crowd began applauding me, showing signs of comfort.

“Y/n Sully is a strong and gentle soul. She was always thinking about others and always wanted to keep the clan safe. She always kissed me goodnight and good morning…she’d never forget it. I remember one night she left to do extra work around the village but I was in deep sleep, and when I saw her in the morning I was sad and asked her “…no kiss goodnight or good morning’ she only replied with her precious smile and said ‘Sunshine I did kiss you but both times you were asleep and I didn’t want to wake you up!’ … Y/n was working constantly but she always made time to take care of me.

She loved to bead, and she loved putting a smile on everyone’s face. I know that Y/n was very private about our life, but she had a sweet grace about her. Her smile was like a ray of sunshine…. It took up her entire face. Her touch was motherly…” I take a sigh being looking up at the blurry crowd in tears

“Her laugh was infectious, from my understanding everyone in the crowd before me had once been able to hear her pure and genuine laughter…she loved teaching and observing others. Y/n taught me everything. I know that her death wasn’t her fault, I saw how far she got, if she was given enough time she would have made it back home. Y/n knew how to do everything just by watching and observing…that’s how she knew exactly what war felt. Y/n was in war her entire life….Y/n was in tune with her feelings and she wanted the best for me. She always told me how she was excited to finally get promoted to fight along warriors. Y/n was always herself she was a teacher, leader and knew what she wanted.” I wiped my tears watch how the crowds eyes lit up from hearing the stories I had to tell.

“Y/n’s love was beautiful, when she hugged you or said sweet words…you could feel her love, she would pull you in. I miss her sweet kisses, her smart mind, and her beautiful smile and laugh. I miss looking at her beautiful face. She was the most loving sister, and perfect daughter…even if some couldn’t see how perfect she really was.”

I looked up at my parents and turned back, I didn’t care…even if the crowd didn’t notice my wording, my parents for sure did.

“We will not be able to see Y/n finally be a full warrior like she wanted to. She didn’t get the chance to finish teaching me her lessons….I won’t be able to tell her how gorgeous she looks when she finally finds peace, something she was searching for, her whole life. I’ll never get to celebrate her being mated before Eywa, having a final sister dance with her as celebration. Y/n dreamed of having her own family, and she made sure i knew I was considered her first baby. Y/n would have been an amazing mother.”

I begin crying more, telling everyone Y/n’s dream.

“Im so proud of Y/n she made a difference in everyone’s heart. She was so full of life and had so much more to offer this clan. Y/n made it clear to prepare me for anything…it may seem sad but she even prepared me for her death. She had a wise warrior once tell her ‘A guardian who has not prepared their ‘child’ for their own death has failed as a guardian.’ Y/n never failed at anything. I miss you Y/n…all of you. I love you Y/n.” I looked up while everyone had tears in there eyes, I begin parting my ways and dismissed them. Y/n prepared me yes…but I was going to allow myself to mourn fully.

My entire family was defeated. We were under the three of souls…everyone had small old memories of Y/n but I had beautiful memories of every part of Y/n’s life.

*Tuk’s Memory*

I begin tearing up at the idea of seeing Y/n’s sweet face again.

“Y/n!”

There she was turned around surprised and worry showing at the sight of tears that were falling from my eyes.

“Tuk? What happened my love, are you ok sunshine? Who got you upset?”

“I just-I really miss you Y/n…”

Y/n gave me a wide smile with her eyebrows furrowed.

“What do you mean sunshine? I’m fine. I am always here, I’m right with you.”

Her voice was so assuring…so calm.

“I want more time with you Y/n please have Eywa bring you back to me.”

“Tuk, You know I’ll see you again.”

“…what happened that night Y/n? Please tell me”

Y/n face had a horrific expression

“n-no no no you cant ask that y-yet.”

then the lights went out.

!💛!

….are you guys ok? …any thoughts? 💔 there will be a part 2

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[loverraccoon]

Field of Lovers

Epilogue

I felt the breeze blowing my hair in and out of my face as I laid out on my blanket. A small smile crossed my face as i covered my eyes in hopes of shielding them from the sun. I was thinking of him more than anything.

The only man who had the same effect on me as the burning sun. He shined so brightly I could barely bear to look at him. He burned me up but kept my heart warm in a gentle way. I could barely stand to be in his presence during his brightest hours but those few minutes I endured without making a fool out of myself were some of the most beautiful memories I've gained over the years.

"Tia, come inside, lunch has just been prepared!"

I sat up and looked around the beautiful country side once more knowing fully well this is my last day of peace. My current abode is my grandparents' home. They gave birth to my dear father well dear to them. Not dear to me at this age.

I recently turned 26 and all I ever hear my father and mother talk to me about is how they were married by the time I was 22. I couldn't care any less though since I find locking myself into a loveless marriage to be worse than being alone. I am actually quite happy as I am and I don't need any other man pestering me more than my father does already.

Even if I wanted to get married it wouldn't be fair. I only have one gentleman on my mind and he is far out of reach for me. My father would definitely not call him a gentleman and to be honest neither would I.

After dinner I found myself reading when my maid Rose came in. She was very endearing to me in every way. I respected her a lot and appreciated her everyday. She worked very hard for her family and husband and I longed for a life where I could work and be married. Managing a household is nice and all but i wish to work at something instead of maintaining a house and staff. I longed for freedom of choice in all matters. In matters of love and purpose especially.

Rose had a calm disposition but if I ever dared ask her about her favorite meals to prepare her face lit up with joy and all she could do was talk about her ideas or thoughts on different types of recepies. I loved her dearly even though we were what you'd barely call friends but I trusted her. She knew me well and she also never told anyone else the things she knows about me.

We suddenly heard a loud cracking sound and Rose immediately shot up and ran downstairs and I hurried after her. My grandmother came into view as she started shouting at the young maid who accidentally dropped a teacup.

"Do I pay you to break my belongings or do I pay you to keep it the same as it always was by my design?!" Her raspy voice and dark features left a hint of fear inside the maid even if she was but an old lady with graying hair. Ever since her husband died she's been a terror to the maids and this maid just made a big mistake. She should prepare to be bothered for the next few months.

After my grandmother finished reprimanding that poor maid she gestured to her husbands old office and looked me directly in my eyes. I followed her into the room and she sat down in his chair.

"My child I know things I can't hide any longer" she rested her hands on the table as she spoke to me. I sat down in front of her. I felt a looming dread creep up on me.

"Your parents are very unhappy with your marital status and they plan on sending you away to live in Laurance with your aunt." I felt my heart sink as I thought about all that I'll be leaving behind. My friends, my secrets and... Vinn.

"If I may ask why are you telling me this?" I asked holding back tears.

"Child most women my age morn their husbands and I don't. I never loved or cared for your grandfather and i regreted my marriage to him everyday of my life. Don't let some young man make you into a fool with promises about loving you forever. I told your parents to send you to Laurance." Words were bursting off of my tongue but before I could speak my grandmother continued.

"Marry a rich man who can keep you happy. Don't fall for the tricks your heart tells you. I want you to have a better life than I did. You're such a smart girl and deserve freedom, don't suffer your whole life with a man who doesn't care about you for nothing." She said holding back tears.

I knew grandfather wasn't a good man but it was painful to see the mark he left on this woman.

"I love you grandmother but my life shouldn't be in your hands." She stood up with an expressionless face.

"You can have your own opinions and I'll have mine" she looked out the window blankly. She had no direction, no goals and nothing to live for in our eyes. We were very alike in that sense. I'm not sure where I'm headed. I do as I please and have nothing in my life that is mine.

That night I slept knowing fully well that next week was my last week of freedom. It was all but rash but I wished to tell Vinn everything that happened. If I see him at all that is.

The next day I set off on my way home to Florian. A new future is dawning and my static life has been turned upside down.

[bleachbleachbleach]

B3 can I just say that the machinations of your mind fascinate me so…can you pls elaborate what you mean by 1970s aerospace corruption schemes reminding you of hitshina? cuz I’m out here trying to Google it at 10 pm out of pure academic curiosity. Thanks for sharing ur thoughts with us tho!! Love how ur able to connect things in bleach with stuff I wouldn’t have thought of otherwise like genuinely <3

It's true, this blog will see Bleach in absolutely anything. It’s not even willful; everything can and WILL be Bleach. We were watching the first Fast and Furious movie last night, and ended up talking about Bleach (i.e. the sexual renaissance Hisagi experienced on first sight of Lance’s snakeprint pants).

But for the 1970s aerospace corruption schemes, I was thinking about HitsuHina first and the 1970s aerospace corruption schemes came up as a result, rather than me independently reading about 1970s aerospace corruption schemes and applying them to HitsuHina. I feel like the connection here is probably of the “…needed to be there to make sense of this…” variety, but I have also been VIBRATING INTENSELY OUT OF ENTHUSIASM FOR ALL OF THIS since yesterday, so I’ll do my best to explain my thought process!

I’ll begin by saying that I don’t think Hinamori cares about 1970s aerospace corruption schemes, nor do I think she’d be able to come up with a reason why she should, if anyone asked her. As far as she’s concerned, she is going to visit her grandmother in Junrinan to bring news of her having made 5th Division Vice Captain! And she’s taking Hitsugaya with her, which will make this the first time they have gone back to visit together.

But first Hinamori has to do her job, because part of becoming a Vice Captain is waking up at 2AM on your day off to see if you have any messages that say “we were able to handle it, actually, you don’t need to come help!” and not finding any, and so going out to deal with that before your long travel day begins.

Okay, what IS her job, though. Why does her squad need her at 2AM?

And I was like, well, I don’t want her to have to trek out to Rukongai, because that seems logistically complicated. So I decided that in this time period, the 5th has oriented itself toward the Living World! Because Aizen is supervising field studies regarding the nature of souls’ perceptions of the afterlife and how many require konsou vs. not! (Or at least, that’s his interest on paper. He has some ~other personal investments~ as well, carrying over from his presence at the Trauma Field Trip.)

So the thing Hinamori needs to deal with this morning is that a soul was recently ferried from the Living World into Soul Society and, owing to the nature of its death, is FEROCIOUSLY clutching its memories and beliefs. It is not taking its number and filtering obediently into Rukongai like it should, and the last five hours of Hinamori’s poor subordinates’ shift have been failing to convince this soul do just… do that. Now it’s her turn, because she’s the Vice Captain and this is what you do.

What is the soul clinging so hard to, then?

Or, to back up: When do I think Hinamori might’ve become the 5th VC? Byakuya and Ichimaru become captains sometime post-1960s, which leaves Ichimaru’s previous post open for some amount of time. I want this story to be before Isshin’s disappearance, which is some point around 1980. So I was like, okay, let’s say 1970s, then. Again, not that such a date means a whole lot to Hinamori, but it means a lot to me in terms of set dressing.

So I decided, in the Living World, it is 1976, and this soul died trying to visit justice upon another, whom he believed had betrayed their shared ultranationalist beliefs and incited national shame (via 1970s aerospace corruption schemes).

I decided that in Soul Society, there is an additional level of protocols for souls such as these, where their life purpose becomes so entwined with the nature of their death, so as to result in statistically more complications on the afterlife end (and, often, a higher chance of developing spiritual power). These protocols come up even more particularly when a soul’s life purpose specifically taps into identities and ideologies bigger than one person, one soul—where the visions/desires operate at the level of the (ultra)national/societal, and manifest in a death so ideologically fraught that the symbolic weight of it cannot be left behind, even in the afterlife. (This soul became a kamikaze and flew a plane into his betrayer-comrade’s house.)

--This is not something Hinamori yet has conscious awareness of, but to be dedicated to purpose in this way makes for the kind of shinigami the Gotei would like to have, if also the kind of shinigami Aizen has variable respect for.

The only parts of this situation that matter to Hinamori are the parts that help her ease this soul into his afterlife, and convince him to take his ticket and keep walking.

Then she’s on her way to Junrinan, and her weekend in the countryside with her grandmother and Hitsugaya. But the ghosts that follow her, whether she is aware of them are not, are about the ideological commitments of vice-captaincy in the Gotei; the ever-changing nature of human souls as their world changes; A I Z E N, always; and the rapid emergence of one’s identity, either in periods of dramatic economic/cultural growth or in similar periods when one’s professional growth is entangled with one’s spiritual/shikai growth (increases in talent beget promotions beget situations that inspire further evolutions). In my headcanon, Tobiume expresses as a carrion phoenix, aka condor!Tobiume.

Hinamori and Hitsugaya talk about the nature of flight, which it turns out Hitsugaya knows something about, too.

Most of that is dramaturgy, rather than things that I’m expecting to make an explicit appearance in Hinamori’s Pleasant Vacation Weekend, but THAT is how I decided yesterday that 1970s aerospace corruption schemes were “so HitsuHina.” I am very excited about it!!

[abbatoirablaze]

Shameless, Chapter 15

Word Count:  2.5k

Warnings: slight angst, mentions of alcohol abuse and incest at the hands of Terry Milkovich.  

“What the hell do you mean, she’s back?”

“Lip,” you sighed, giving your younger brother a look, “sh-“

“Well I guess when she heard that grammy died, she-“

You cut Ian off, eyes wide as the younger of your two brothers shrugged and bit into a piece of toast, “Grammy died?”

“Yeah…”

Tony stood from the table and made his way over to you at the stove, “baby, I’m so sorry.”

“You hated her, Tony…”

“Yeah, but that’s your grandmother…I know that you were close with her even after she went to prison.  I mean, I remember how hard you worked during the summer to squeeze in some extra cash for her.”

“You were close with grammy?” Ian asked.

Lip agreed, “she used all her extra money putting it on grammy’s books when she was locked up.”

“Not all of it-“

“So wait…did grammy leave you anything?” Ian asked.

“Let’s get back to the Monica situation!” you reminded him, “when did sh-“

“Monica’s nothing.  This morning…she’d made breakfast for us and everything.  She’s trying to prove that she can be there for us, but it’s only a matter of time until she disappears again,” he admitted, shrugging you off, “come on, Sofia…answer my question.  Did grammy leave you anything?”

“I have…funds set aside…she gave me money to pay me back what I gave while she was in jail…but as far as ‘leaving me’ anything, no.  I-”

“And the envelope that came this morning,” Tony pointed out, nodding to the unopened, but thick orange envelope on the counter, “that didn’t feel like a thank you card…I think your grandmother must have known something was going to happen to her.  It’s heavy, Sof…”  

Lip’s brow raised, “what?”

You sighed, “I-I wasn’t going to open i-“

“Do it!” Ian encouraged, his eyes looking between yours and the envelope.

“It’ll just go into my personal squirrel fund,” you shrugged, “I mean-“

“You still have a squirrel fund?”

“She keeps it in case you or your siblings ever needed anything,” Tony admitted before you could say anything to Lip, “Fiona doesn’t know about it because she doesn’t want her to try to cash in on it.”

“Well, how much do you have?”

“Tony lets me put all of my money into it…so…let’s just say I have enough…you know in case anything was to ever happen…”

“Enough,” Tony laughed, “if I lost my job, we would be fine for years!”

“TONY!”

Both Lip and Ian were looking at you curiously, as though they hadn’t seen you in that light before.

As a provider. 

It made you begin to feel nervous, “what?”

“Fi Fi…when did you have the time?” Ian asked, “wh-why didn’t you tell us?”

“Please don’t tell Fiona about it…”

Lip shook his head, “I’m not saying anything.”

“I-“

“I have to go to school,” he said quickly, before making his exit, “Bye guys!”

Before you could so much as offer your own goodbye, Ian had made a mad dash for the door.  You gave your husband a look, “I think that freaked him out…”

“You know it did,” Lip sighed, “we’ve never been stable a day in our lives, Sofia…and here you are with Tony, and baby Anthony…and you guys don’t have to worry about money or anything…I mean-it’s weird.”

You frowned, suddenly feeling much more guilty as you thought about your younger siblings and how they were living just next door. 

“Hey…I see how you are getting all in your head,” Tony commented softly as he kissed your temple and wrapped his arms around your waist.  Slowly, he moved you a few steps away from the stove, and started moving the two of you towards the table, “sit down with your brother and your son…eat something…I’ll do the dishes.”

“But Tony-“

“And after that, we’re going to go next door and make sure that your siblings got off to school…And check on Frank and Monic-“

“I don’t have to do that,” Lip asked casually, cutting Tony off as he raised his hand, “do I?”

“Not if you watch baby Anthony while we check on them…”

“Can I take him to Karens for a bit?” he asked, “I told her that I’d break her out of first period and say we had a baby appointment.”

“Hard pass,” you laughed, “you can spend your time with Karen Jackson, but I don’t want baby Anthony around her.”

He shrugged and picked up another piece of toast before getting up from the table, “well you three have fun at the nuthouse.   I’ll catch you later.”

“Be home for dinner!” you reminded him, “we said we were going to talk about Thanksgiving and whether or not we wanted to go next door for it.”

“Well, you know my vote,” Tony shrugged as he sat down across from you and began to feed Anthony, “any time away from Frank and Monica is a good time.”

“Tony…”

“What?” he smirked, “I waited until Lip left to trash them…”

“Thank you…”

“So…if we don’t go over there?” he asked, “should we have Thanksgiving here, or go to moms?”

“I’m open to ideas…”

“If we have it here, we can have a little food fight afterwards…” he teased.

“Us playing with whipped cream and chocolate syrup in the bedroom doesn’t count as a food fight.”

“It does if it ends in another cream pie!” he smirked.

“SAY THAT YOU REMEMBER!” you and your twin sister sang out together as Monica and Frank dance with the two of you.

“Dancing in September!” Frank continued on as Monica spun you in her arms.

“Mommy stop!” you giggled as she sang to you.  Your eyes met your sisters and Fiona was all smiles as well. 

The music surrounded the four of you as you partied together while  your younger brothers slept. 

You lit up a cigarette as the music wafted from their house to yours, your heart breaking a little as you thought about the fond memories you’d once shared with your mother and father and twin sister. 

The song changed and Fiona pulled the cigarette from your hands and took a drag. 

“He’s right you know,” you admitted sadly, “I know that you don’t like Monica and Frank, but…we had those moments…Debbie deserves them just as much as we did.”

“You didn’t see the look in Debbie’s eyes when they were dancing with her.  It-I just-“ she cut herself off, her tears slipping down her cheeks as she took another drag and shook her head, “it’s different, Sofia…I-I know how the story ends with them.  And I-“

“We can’t protect them, Fi…” you admitted with your own frown, “not from everything.  And especially not from Hurricane Monica and the tornado that Frank is.”

“I can’t just enjoy the ride…” she huffed, “because that ride is off the tracks…the kids will only get hurt in the end.  Like we were.  Debbie had the same look in her eyes that we had.  A look that said that she trusted them…and I just can’t-I don’t feel good about it, Fi Fi.”

“Stay the night here, Fi…” you offered, giving your twin sister a small glance, “you need a night…”

“I can’t,” she shrugged, instantly rejecting your offer, “have to get the kids up in the morning.  And I  have to stop by planned parenthood to get the pill for that crazy bitch…I-“

“It’s not all on you, Fi…”

“You’re over here, living in your ivory tower,” she grunted, “you don’t have to deal with it, Fi Fi…you got to walk away from it all.  I can’t do that to them.”

Tears welled up in your eyes and you sniffled, “I-I’ve always helped out, Fiona.”

“Not like me,” she hissed, turning on you, “you didn’t do the things that I did to make sure we were fine, Sofia….you got to graduate high school.  You got to be somewhat normal.  You got married to Tony and you have a kid.  I never got that fairytale.  That wasn’t taken away from you.”

“Fion-“

“This was a bullshit idea, coming over,” she sighed, rolling her eyes as she got up and walked down the steps of your back porch, “I don’t know why I thought I could talk to you.”

“We have to go to the game…”

“I-I’m going to go, I just-she’s going to be there.”

“We never miss Carl’s games!”

“I know…” he frowned, “I-I won’t I just-I need to visit Steve first.”

“He’s the coach.  He’ll be there!” you growled at your little brother as you put Anthony in his car seat, “come on.”

“I’m coming!” he smirked, “but I told Steve we’d pick up his wife too!  So if you want mme to go with you, we have to pick up Este too!”

“LIP!” Debbie smiled as she wrapped her arms around him, “Fi Fi.  You guys came!”

“Of course we did!” you smiled, “when have we ever missed one of Carl’s games?”

“Baby Anthony!” she grinned, tickling the bottom of his feet. Your son gurgled happily, “you guys are right on time.  They just started a few minutes ago!”

“LIP!  SOFIA!” your mother called, “OH MY GOD.  A BABY!” 

You looked between your son and little brother. 

“No one told her!” Lip frowned, “and I’m guessing you didn’t when you went over yesterday?”

“No one was home.”

He smirked, “Good luck!”

“Come and sit down!” she begged, “come and sit with us!”

“What, I’m off the boat for one minute and there is a fucking mutiny?” Lip growled, when he noticed that Frank, Liam, Monica, and even Ian and Fiona were sitting all together.

“Yeah, well no one told you to get out, now did they?”

“Actually, you did!” he reminded her.

“Hey, don’t be mad at Fiona!” Monica tried, “come on up!”

“Hey Monica, shut up!” he spat, “like most of my life this has nothing to do with you!”

“I sit?” Estefania asked, pointing to the bleachers.

“Yeah…sit!” he growled, “wherever is fine!”

“You babysitting now?” Fiona teased.

“Roommate!”

Fiona stood up as you led Estefania to the bleachers to sit down.  Your mom turned her attention towards you and the baby, “well who is this?”

“Oh…I uh-“

“Meet Anthony Markovich…Sofia’s spawn.  Our grandson!”

“A grandbaby?” Monica asked happily, eyes going wide, “oh my god, I’ve got a grandbaby? Wh-when did this happen?  How-“

“Oh, I’m sure you know how a baby is made!” Lip growled, cutting into the conversation, “befriending the enemy behind my back, Fi?”

“She just showed up,” Fiona frowned, “what was I supposed to do?”

“Fiona…Lip…”

“No, Fi Fi…I came…now I’m gone!”

“Oh really?” Fiona growled, watching Lip storm down away from the bleachers, “you just going to go storm off like a baby?  Too bad there’s no door you can slam!”

The next play started, and Frank muttered about how Lip was being a prick.  Your eyes watered as you watched the fight between your family members.��

Frank stood, cheering on Carl.  Fiona stormed out of the bleachers and towards Steve. 

“How’s my favorite nephew?” Ian smiled, looking towards your son, “he doing good?”

“Doing great,” you smiled, “I mean, he’s five months old…and-“

“He’s five months old?” Monica interjected, “oh my god, he’s so perfect.  He’s so-“

“A Gallagher!” Frank smiled proudly.

“Markovich!” you reminded your father.

“Whatever,” he replied angrily, “all I did was father you little jerks…created the Gallagher legacy and-“

“I married my husband and had a child with him.  What did you expect, Frank?” you growled, “that we’d try to keep the Gallagher name?”

“Would have been nice…” he muttered, “thankfully Lip is going to keep the family name alive with his little bastard.”

“Oh, if only he could hear your sweet words!”

“Stop it,” Monica begged, slowing the argument between you and your father, “Sofia…c-can I hold him?”

You bit your lip and looked nervously at your mother. 

“I-“

“Let your mother hold her grandson!” Frank urged, cutting you off.  He took Liam from Monica, and she was holding her hands out to you.

“Please, Sofia?” she asked sadly, “I just want to hold my grandson…”

Your heart ached as you looked at her.  You began to feel guilty.  She hadn’t been afforded the opportunity to get to know your son. 

“O-Only for a minute…he-he’s not normally around a lot of people that he doesn’t know.”

“Of course!” she agreed.  You passed your son off to your mother, and you felt something in the pit of your stomach as you watched her tears slipping down her cheeks, “he’s so gorgeous…”

“Yeah…he-he’s my everything…”

“You’re a good mom,” she smiled, giving you a glance, “n-not like how I was…I can see that.”

“Moni-“

“I’m going to be here for you…for the kids…” she smiled, “and for this little one.  He’s gonna be a real heartbreaker when he grows up…come on…sit down and cheer Carl on with us…please Sofia?”

“I know that she’s here…”

“Colin, you have to go…” you frowned, gently easing him towards the door.

“My aunt said that she told Mandy to go home, and I know that she hasn’t showed back up at the house…my dad’s been looking for her like crazy…” he admitted, not budging, “and I know that she trusts you.  She had to have come here.”

You looked up the stairs, knowing that Mandy had fallen asleep an hour ago.  He took a step past you, but you put a hand on his chest, “Colin…please…”

“Sofia…she’s my little sister…I have to make sure she’s okay…”

“Trust me…she’s as good as she can be…” you frowned, giving him a sad look, “do you know what exactly happened, Colin?”

He shook his head, “dad’s freaking out…said that Mandy got knocked up by your little brother…the one that’s dating her.”

“It wasn’t Ian…” a voice said from the top of the stairs.  You turned, seeing a tired, cried-out looking Mandy with her arms wrapped around herself, “he-he’s gay…”

“Look, you don’t have to protect him, okay?” he asked, “Mandy, I know that you’re thinking the is the right thing to do, but I won’t hurt him, alright.  I-“

“Colin…you need to sit down…th-that’s not what happened…” she sighed, coming down the stairs, “i-it’s time that you guys know what happens when you’re in jail and dad blacks out.”

Colin looked like he was going to be sick as he stared between you and Mandy.

“No…he-he wouldn’t do-“

“He did, Colin,” she sighed, once more wrapping her arms around herself, “Ian and I never had sex.  Dad…he-“

“Stop…”

“Colin-“

He looked up at you with sad, tear-stained eyes.  Your heart broke for the man that you loved.  He was so sad to learn what had happened to his little sister.

“I-I don’t blame you guys or anything.  I-It’s no big deal!” she said defensively.

“No big deal?” he scoffed, “Mandy…you’re saying he got black out drunk and raped you…he knocked you up!”

“H-he doesn’t do it all the time,” she sighed, trying to defend her father’s actions, “he was drunk…and he thought I was mom.”

“We’ll figure it out, Colin…” you tried to reassure him, reaching out to the table to take his hand, “we’ll figure it out…”

“I-I have to go!” he said sadly, shaking his head.  He stood, ignoring the two of you, and made his way out of the house.  Mandy broke down into sobs as she fell against you.

“Hey-it-it’s okay,” you tried, “we’ll figure this out, Mandy…we’ll figure this out.  I promise.”

Chapter 16

[lonelypond]

Gunsmoke, Part II: Horses Know Where To Go

NicoMaki, Love Live, 2.1K, 2/2

After dinner conversations.

Horses Know Where To Go

Her mother had asked almost no questions, letting Ruby and Dia drag her around, showing her everything of interest to them, especially Nico. There was a family sing a long and lunch and dinner and the girls tucked into bed with their grandmother reading them a story and it had been a whirl of conversation flowing by Maki like a river engorged after a storm. When the girls had been tucked in, Nico had gone outside to settle Smiley and Scherzo for the night. She’d been taking on that task since Maki had agreed she needed to work toward getting her full range of motion and stamina back. Both horses adored her and Nico didn’t mind the chores. Maki suspected she appreciated a captive audience for whatever Nico was thinking about, which would be whatever Nico was talking about. Outside the stable, whenever Maki managed to sneak a glance at Nico, unaware, Nico was usually staring after something, her profile sharp and thoughtful. Then she would catch Maki and be all “Nico Ni” but the smile would lack its genuine glow, dulled like a dusty diamond.

“Ruby and Dia are certainly thriving here.” Maki’s mother annnouced her reentry into the living room.

Maki put aside the book she’d been pretending to read.

“They are resilient, curious, and energetic.” Maki smiled. “I think that they would do well in any environment.”

Maki’s mother shook her head. It was still so hard to give her stubborn daughter a compliment. “I mean to say, you have done well, Maki. They are healthy and happy, after a trauma that could have changed their lives dramatically for the worst. I am proud of you, my daughter.”

“They are lucky Maki found them.” Nico walked into the kitchen, to wash her hands. Maki tried not to focus on the yearning edging Nico’s voice. “And I am alive because they found me.”

“You never did explain…” Dr. Nishikino the elder left an opening for Nico’s response.

“Nico needed a job, made some friends and then made some enemies. When someone puts a bullet in you, it’s time to hit the trail. Smiley had good instincts.”

“He and Scherzo are getting along.” Maki offered before her mother could come up with more questions.

“Smiley gets along with everyone. He and Nico are a team.”

Maki got along with no one, really, not without effort, although every day spending time with Nico seemed more natural. Did that make them a team?

“Is it time for brandy yet, Maki?”

Maki raised an eyebrow. “Of course, Mama.”

Nico was already halfway to the kitchen. “You two settle in the library. Nico will grab the glasses and make sure the girls are asleep.”

So they don’t overhear anything. And the library was farther away from their rooms. Maki twirled a curl of hair as she followed her mother into what usually felt like a sanctuary. Now it seemed small, closed in, entirely lacking a breeze or view of the stars.

“Nico’s a natural with children. Ruby and Dia are already so fond of her.”

“She’s had to raise three siblings with her mother. Her father died in a mining accident. Her brother had just been born.”

Dr. Nishikino sighed, “No stranger to difficulties then.”

“No.” Maki opened the cabinet with the brandy, carefully lifting the decanter, “Nico has been a big help to me. This place will be lonely without her.”

Maki’s mother was openly staring at her daughter and Nico had frozen in the doorway, her face expressionless. No words came to save anyone. Nervous in the silence, Maki gripped the decanter tightly, determined not to lose her grip on it.

“Glasses.” Nico said, placing them in an even row on the sideboard, avoiding eye contact even as her hand brushed Maki’s back. She retreated into the depths of Maki’s favorite armchair, pulling an afghan around her.

Dr. Nishikino took the decanter from her daughter’s shaky hands, pouring out three even measures. She stepped over to hand one to Nico and got a murmured thanks.

“Ever been to San Francisco, Nico?” Dr. Nishikino joined her daughter on the divan.

“Nope. Nico’s family stopped at the Rockies.” Two sips and Nico put the glass aside with a yawn.

“We’ve done a good job of rebuilding after the earthquake and fire.”

Nico had her legs pulled up in the chair, but brought a hand down squarely on the arm, “Nico prefers a place with ground that doesn't split open.”

Should Nico be that adorable, Maki thought. The tiny terror was often brusque or smiley, sometimes three different people in a minute but with her hair down and a soft expression as she stared into the fire, Nico was one of the most distracting sights Maki had ever seen.

“Maki?” Her mother nudged, having asked a question and been ignored.

Maki gulped down brandy, coughing at the unexpected surge of biting liquor over her tonsils. “What?”

“I just wondered if you missed going to the theatre? Many are still standing.”

“No.” Maki wiped off her chin with her hand, frowning at her mother for the disturbance.

“The destruction of the earthquake just a couple years after the Black Plague nearly convinced your father to move elsewhere, but now he can not be pulled away from his rebuilding and expansion plans for the hospital. He believes that through the efforts and investment of the business community, San Francisco will truly be one of the greatest cities in the world, not just the “Paris of The West.”

“Papa always says San Francisco is his second first love.”

Maki’s mother chuckled, “My husband is a romantic.”

Nico nodded, yawning.

Dr. Nishikino drank the last of her brandy and stood, “I will take myself to bed, Maki. Don’t worry about disturbing me if you decide to stay up later.” The brandy glass made a slight squeak as it returned to the sideboard. “Good night, Nico.”

“G’night.”

Maki started to rise but her mother held out a restraining hand, “I know where I’m going, Maki. You needn’t rush. You and Nico enjoy your brandy. I can get the girls breakfast in the morning.”

Nico’s yawns had settled a sleepy calm over the room, like a blanket. Maki stretched out her own legs, as if this were any other evening after a taxing day. “All right. Good night, Mama.”

“Good night, Maki.”

A quick air kiss over her daughter’s head. Then the only sounds in the room were the logs in the fireplace, settling as the flickering flames turned wood to ember and ash. The fire had been good company on many nights. Maki stared, letting her thoughts feed the flames as well, gunsmoke ephemerance up the chimney, nothing lingering. Maki allowed herself one quick glance. Nico had somehow made herself even smaller. Sleep had stolen the energy that propelled Nico. It was obvious Nico still needed rest, needed to heal and regain her fortitude. But waking, walking Nico would never stop long enough to hear that diagnosis.

###

Nico was warm. Too warm. She had burrowed deep enough into the wool blanket to start her own hearthfire. Everything about her time here had been warm, even as prickly as Maki was. But the doctor couldn’t hide the caring. Her eyes opened into deep amethyst studded caverns of concern and affection, with perhaps flickers of closer bonds that might mature into…

This interlude had been like nothing in Nico’s adult life, the closeness of a family, freely given love from two small, lonely children, and someone who could be a partner. Nico and her mom had worked together, raising her siblings, but it was something else to be two adults relying on each other as equals, watching out for beings so vulnerable and trusting. And caring. The way Ruby would smile shyly and ask Nico to sing…

Time to fold up the blanket, lay down on her borrowed bed, and get more rest for the adventure to come. One more day. Then, Nico rides off to rescue Honoka, bring down the A-Rise gang, and ensure that she was all right with the law. She wanted to be able to offer a future. And not as a fugitive. Maki, Dia, and Ruby deserved the best. Nico would be the best. But first...

Maki. Sleeping. Fire mostly out. Nico dealt with the last embers, surprised that the doctor was undisturbed. She seemed to sleep on the couch more frequently than in her room. Nico supposed it was easy enough to fall asleep in front of the fire.

Nico knelt beside Maki, taking a moment to refresh her memory of Maki, in shadows and moonlight, the evenness of her breathing, the slight pucker of her lips, the wavy knots her hair seemed to work itself into. It took all of Nico’s self control not to brush straying strands off Maki’s forehead, but Nico turned that motion into a poke.

“Wake up, Doctor Maki.”

Maki swatted, groaning, “Just Maki.”

“Time to tuck you into bed with your mama.”

“ “m not a kid.”

Nico grinned as Maki sleep grumbled, her eyes mostly closed.

“Nico knows.”

“Good.” Maki turned over, “Sleeping here.”

“No, you’re not.” Nico slid her arms under Maki’s torso ready to flip her.

But at the contact, Maki sat up.

“All right, all right.”

“Want Nico to read you a bedtime story.”

“Go ‘way.” Maki pushed off Nico.

“Yes, ma’am.” A quick spin, Nico heading to her guest room.

Maki’s whisper reached out, “I didn’t mean…”

“Nico knows. Good night, Maki.”

“G’night.”

###

The door slipped out of her hand. It wasn’t really a slam. Or a call for attention. But it did wake her mother, who had been restless, listening for her daughter.

“What time is it?”

Maki shrugged, glancing out the window, “Moon’s up but low.”

“Forget how to use clocks?”

Maki snorted, pulling out her pocketwatch. “3:37, Mama.”

“Thank you, Maki.” Dr. Nishikino sat up, leaning back against the headboard, watching her daughter lean and stare out the window.

“Have you taught Dia and Ruby all the constellations yet?”

“Of course. And the stories.”

That’s my girl, Dr. Nishikino thought.

“Dia wants to see the sky from Alaska. When she’s older, I might take them on a ferry from Seattle.”

Ah yes, Nishikinos spoil their knowledge seeking children.

“They really like Nico.”

“Yes. They found her, they feel an attachment.”

Maki might have been about to turn back to bed, but now she’d frozen, a sculpture in moonlight and granite inertia.

“Nico is very determined to fix her ‘error.’” Dr. Nishikino continued to push, “She seems capable enough to do it, too.”

“She is.”

A pause. Was Maki shivering? Mornings could be cold. Especially if thoughts ran restless. Imagination could be either cruel or kind, a simple coin spinning between hope and desolation.

“Are you going to let her go alone?”

The question cracked the statue Maki had become. She turned, her mother recognizing the stubborn set of her jaw.

“Of course not.”

That’s my girl, Dr. Nishikino thought. “C’mon and warm up and let me nap again before I have to cook you girls breakfast.”

“Okay, Mama.”

Dr.Nishikino couldn’t keep Maki safe anymore by discouraging adventure. What she could do was ensure her daughter left no neglected responsibilities to worry at her concentration. And keep faith.

“Nico’s lucky to have met Dia and Ruby.”

Maki had pulled a nightshirt over her head, “Do you ever think about destiny, Mama?”

“It doesn’t usually come up at my weekly ladies lunches.”

“Maybe, it’s being out here…” Maki crawled into bed, “The scale of everything is so much bigger, so distant. I can’t help wonder exactly what brings someone into anyone’s life. The probability of running into any single person is so low. Is it chance, fate, destiny, luck, magnetism…”

A deeper question than expected. But some days – or nights – a rare urge to talk through something seized Maki.

Dr. Nishikino chose her words carefully. “Choices, Maki. Nothing as fancy as those myths of yours. I think we all make choices. And from those choices, we find the paths that let us move forward.”

“I should have told you about Nico.”

“It would have been nice. But I know you. You don’t share, especially if it’s…private.”

Maki sighed. And suddenly she was wrapped in a hug.

“You are doing well, Maki. I have faith in you.”

“And my choices.?

“Are you where you want to be?”

Inhale. “Yes.”

“People always say horses know where to go. Maybe you do too.”

Maki snorted, a fair imitation of Scherzo, and let her mother’s giggling warmth lull her back to sleep. Her next choice could wait ‘til after dawn.

A/N:

December...wow. I think that's the longest conversation I've written between Maki and her mother. And peace and freedom and no frikkin' genocide, please and thank you.

[daughter-of-sapph0]

You converted into Judaism I believe? I’ve occasionally considered converting (Haven’t looked into it yet), and am curious as to what led to your decision to convert

hi, thanks for asking. I started my conversion process around three years ago. it's been a rough process, but so far it's going well. as for why I decided, it's a long story. so I'll try my best to keep it short

I was raised catholic. my grandfather was Irish catholic, and raised my mother catholic. my father on the other hand was raised lutheran. you would think that would make their marriage extremely controversial, an Irish catholic woman marrying a protestant man. but it was actually really chill for both families. my dad was never really religious, but my mom was a devoted catholic who had us go to church and ccd every week, up until I went to middle school. I went to the tiniest private middle school in existence. there were 15 kids in all of eighth grade. the building was over 100 years old. it almost closed twice during my three years there. and honestly, it kinda sucked. so much that my two younger siblings both went to public middle schools to try and avoid the shit I went through.

since I went to a catholic private school, I was taught a fair amount of religious history alongside the basic middle school education. it wasn't the first thing that helped me open up to other religions, but being forced to study the history of other world religions was a big eye opener for me. I got confirmed in 8th grade, and then immediately stopped caring about religion. I was an atheist for most of my first two years of high school. I wasn't one of the annoying reddit atheists, I still respected other people's religions. I just didn't know what to believe in myself.

around this time I went through a major depression after my grandmother died, and struggled with my grades and suicidal thoughts. I got into twitter (which, let's be honest, is not the healthiest coping mechanism) and met a lot of friends who helped me discover myself. I eventually came out as transgender and my friends online and irl were super supportive. and a lot of my trans friends online were also Jewish. I started to learn more about their religion just from talking with them, and I actually found it really interesting. it wasn't anything like christianity. people were encouraged to question things and argue and debate.

it was a bit after a graduated high school when I started to think about whether or not I wanted to convert, and about a year later when I spoke to a local rabbi. I will be honest, the pandemic has made it extremely fucking difficult. mostly everything is online, and that makes it a huge pain. but I wouldn't be going through this huge tedious process of converting if I didn't know for certain that it is exactly what I want to do. I love Judaism. I love my Jewish friends. I love my religion. I love my own unique personal relationship that I have with god and myself. it's hard to even put into words. the same feeling I had when I came out as trans is the same feeling I have towards Judaism.

if you're considering converting, look into it first. it's a very difficult process. and that's intentional. Judaism is not a proselytizing religion. it's supposed to be a very hard and difficult process with lots of obstacles. you have to be 1000% sure that Judaism is the correct religion for you.

and that's where I'm at now. I sometimes say that I'm Jewish, but really I'm still in the process of converting. but based on how much I've learned and how much I've experienced, I'm more than certain that this is the religion for me.

[fandom-imagination-ss]

Imagine: Joel waking up after his fever breaks to see you tending to him

everything happens for a reason, Like Fungus heating up from the earth crust and starting to infect human life.

Or the first few weeks of the outbreak your AWFUL abusive boyfriend was First infected and you were saved by Joel Miller.

it took him and yourself years to feel comfortable around each other and by then he had Tess. But traveling with a girl across the country you going to make sure she was safe. you and Joel Oddly. and finally after years of knowing each other became friendly. you were stunned to see him opening up to Elle. he was always Blunt and honestly fearful. and had barriers and was hit first ask questions later. but now he was letting his guard down. and it fascinated you. A Rusty dagger got Joel. right in the Stomach. were instantly terrified it hit an organ. how it didn't you weren't sure how but he was losing a lot of blood. and you also knew he was probably going to have an infection that could kill him. you have seen people Die from all sorts of things. infections, wounds, and One from Sneezing too much. you really aren't sure What was wrong wit that women. but she sneezed herself to death.

Elle was out hunting for food, which you weren't sure if was a good idea. but she was freaking out in the basement so you sent her to go but to stay close and to be careful as you dug into your bag. In another life your Grandmother was Herbalist and your mom banned all medical medicine in the house. you weren't even vaccinated for anything until you were 18. that was your big 18th birthday gift.. Vaccines. you thought your mom and Gran crazy but the moment the world ended. you grabbed their herbs and books on plants. and you now deal with natural medicine when it's to hard to find medical.

you had no medical medicine for Joel. you had an Advil that would probably do nothing for his pain but you gave that to him hours ago. Joel mocked you as you collected Weeds as you walked. ironically a weed will at Least calm his fever. Plantain. A weed that Never dies. you. And Yarrow commonly knows for "soldiers' wound wort". it's used to help with wounds. during war time soldiers would use this to make ornaments to heal their wounds.

they work, but Slow. and with how much blood he lost you knew he would need a blood transfusion. your Dick of a ex was a doctor and he did make a transfusion at your apartment. you had clean needles in your bag, So after preparing the medicine for Joel you used your years of growing up with your mother. then you went around searching for things to Give Joel blood. Elle came back unsucessful as she helped.

"how you know how to do this? I thought you said you were a teacher?"

"Life. experience." yu weren't going to tell Her about your past. not that. she was a Kid.

"I'll do it.. he can have my blood." you smiled weakly looking up at Elle as you found clean tubbing. it was in a bag in he garrage. you think it was meant for a fridge water tube. Duct Tape will Fix the big issues.. you figured.

"Can't be you- we have no idea what will happen if you mix your blood with others.. plus if your the wrong blood type you could kill him."

"So you know his blood type?"

you shook your head, "no- But Im universal blood."

it wasn't pretty but you got it done. you weren't a doctor. Hell you weren't even a nurse. but at least that will help him.. or Kill him. you weren't sure.

it was the middle of the night. as Elle was asleep beside Joel as you were fixing hsi Jacket as he opened his eyes for the first time in days. he had a single tear roll down his cheek as you smiled weakly whipping it away as you smiled weakly, "Hey"

he went to talk but you hushed him and laid down beside him. on the other side of him as you Rested your head on his shoulder as you closed your eyes relieved he was awake.

Joel remembers telling you both to leave him to die. he ordered you to take Elle and to forget about him. he was stunned to see you Not Only still here. but wedged in between you both. he couldn't believe you would Stay for him. he didn't deserve it. he thought. to be cared for. he still felt awful but he couldn't imagine how you both felt. he was suppose to be protecting and caring for you both. Not the other way around. but you just smiled down at him. fixed his tear and laid down as he reached over grabbing your hand squeezing it tihgtly. you squeezed back as you whispered softly "Sleep Joel we need you still okay?"

"okay"

[novvakffs]

{ ic; Florence Pugh. 25. cis-female. she/her. } yo! have you heard about [ DOMINIKA “DOM” NOWAK ]? i couldn’t help but notice them blasting [ COLLARD GREENS BY SCHOOLBOY Q ] when they pulled up.  i saw them moving into [ GASOLINE ROW ] which makes sense because they remind me of [ CYRILLIC INKED ON SKIN, PERFECT BRAIDS THAT COME HOME RUINED WITH MUD AND TWIGS, ENTIRE CONVERSATIONS HELD IN A STARE ]. word on the street is that they’re [ HARSH & RUTHLESS ] but i also heard they can be [ PROTECTIVE & KIND ]. i could be wrong but something tells me that they work over at [ DUKE’S CHOP SHOP ] but i guess we’ll find out soon enough. { ooc; hannah/ she/her / 22 / est. }

heyyy! My name's hannah and this little gremlin is dominika and whatever is following under the cut is my mish mash of everything about Dom in a purely chaotic way. An actual biography is to follow but when?? we'll never know.

Basics

full name: Dominika Marta Zofia Nowak

nicknames: Dom

age: 25

pronouns:

sexuality:

sun sign: Aries

occupation: Mechanic

workplace: Duke's Chop Shop

residence: Gasoline Row

History

Dominika is the youngest of five siblings all having been born in Warsaw Poland. Yet by the time she was 13, her family moved into a small house in the outskirts of the Urbz her father worked for a small delivery company while her mother took care of the children and their grandmother.

yet just having one form of income became too little as her babcia immigrated a year later, forcing her mother to take up a job leaving all six children in the care of their grandmother, she hardly spoke English and had completely disconnected herself from her new home.

Grandma Nowak would dot on little Dominika brushing her hair and speaking over and over about how she would shine back in Poland, yet all Dominika wanted was to join her brothers playing and yelling almost all hours of the day.

Her father changed jobs when Dominika was 15, joining Duke's chop shop, after only a couple months he was able to move the family into a larger house on Gasoline Row it was a little bit more run-down than the family was used to but all of the children were put to work fixing it up and their grandmother was fairly uncomfortable with the idea of her little and only granddaughter doing any ' hard labor' as she called it.

Grandmother Nowak died a couple weeks shy of Dominika's 17th birthday, it had hit the entire family hard, and as much as Dominika hated the way her grandmother had set her to be a pretty little lady, not having her made her break. Very quickly she started stealing her brother's clothes and accompanying her father to work, some days she would stay so late her father would find her asleep in the back seat of an old lowrider and would have to carry her into the car. Trying so hard not to hit old potholes as not to wake his sleeping daughter.

Even as she grew up and moved into a small apartment just a couple blocks away from her home she continued working at Duke's it didn't take very long for her to get a paid position starting under her own father to having her own assistants in the shop.

she started drag racing at fourteen and slowly moves up the ladder, she's the head mechanic for one of the best racers in urbzville

Personality

Dominika can be a pretty harsh person, most times she doesn't see the need to sugarcoat things even when doing so would only make people feel better, niceties have always been lost on her, maybe it was because of her family since they never really cared to do it for each other, she saw it as a false platitude only for people who you hardly cared for. She hardly thinks anything through, having been under the watchful eye of her grandmother most times she hardly ever made decisions for herself, so once she was technically on her own, she did anything and everything that came to mind and she still does. Though in the end, she has never once purposely hurt someone for any other reason than retaliation. Her home had always been one about respect, if you were not respectful it was a baddddd idea.

Random Facts

She can cook like a god and just randomly gives people food when she really likes them

fluent in Polish, English, and Czech shout out grannie Nowak

has a senior dog that she just found on the street and decided to take home after a shift named pope

has a very prominent accent as her family hardly spoke English at home

her last name is pronounced no -vac

Still knows some of her grandmother's old lullabies and sings them to herself while tinkering away at work

attended ballet classes in Poland and continued to once in America,even with all of the criminal aspects of her life she still volunteers at a community center teaching tiny shits

can fight, has fought, and will fight

she rolls her own cigarettes like her eldest brother

has a silver cross on 24/7

hates plums

loves spicy food

has a shit ton of tattoos many are inspired by her family and home some are just dumb shit she got while drunk

sometimes doesn't understand the lingo tbh

really likes the chili dogs at sal's she buys at least one a day

still helps take care of her youngest brother as their parents are still constantly working, when they work late she brings both Leon and Jetzy dinner cause she doesn't trust Jetzy's cooking or memory to make it on time

Leon set up her aol account and she ngl doesn't know why she has that icon she kinda wishes she didn't have one. doesn't know how to change it

never writes in English unless she has to

is a criminal, just like her eldest brother

if you read this far like it so we can plot bb

[nathank77]

4/19/24

4:56 p.m Edited/Added to 5:05 p.m

I just woke up. I had a very hard time falling asleep again. I closed my eyes at 7:06 a.m, opened them at 7:42. Took a second 25mg Hydroxyzine. Took my first 25mg Benadryl. Closed my eyes until 8:12 still wasn't asleep... ate a think bar and then closed my eyes again.

I must have fallen asleep in 20 minutes or so after that. I've been getting weird tactile hallucinations that are associated with my mental pictures like before with psychosis... and sounds that are associated with my mental pictures at least I think for that one... cause it's like I hear a ting and imagine a can... it could be From my show... with the mental picture right after the sound.

The tactiles are like I grab a can or something and my hand feels like it moves to grab it or it actually moves..... or i can feel the can......I've had a lot of those recently.. I'm wondering if it's real xanax but based on other nights with the same bottle I fell asleep fast despite getting these.

The other day I was in the shower and I was kinda freaked out bc of my ocd and I closed my eyes and had a mental image of the shower and my arm almost touching the wall so like rather than it being visual when I was smoking pot it prob was all mental images...

Anyways I accidently started posting on dopaminergicaddictions again.. I reblogged everything here. But I accidently deleted one of my posts an important one. I'm mad cause I can't re-write it. It's just gone. I wish there was a recent garbage can...

Anyways I'm about to go see my mom but my uncle died today and my dad wanted me to call him.. so I called him.

He was like a stone wall. He expects me to go the funeral. I said I'd only go out of respect for him. I said i have 3 reasons I don't want to go:

1) time i need to sleep- he said the wake would be at like 330 or 4... but not the funeral so he expects me to go to the wake..

2) clothes I have no nice clothes. He said I have money I need to buy something nice. I DONT HAVE THE MONEY TO BUY SOMETHING TO SEE THAT SHIT BAG. HE NEVER ACCEPTED ME. THE CLOTHES YOU NEED ARE EXPENSIVE. DRESS PANTS, A BUTTON UP.

I said I don't really have the money and he was like well you're on disability and I said yes but only ssi and I only get a little over 900$ a month I'm not on ssdi like you. I mentioned the disability appts and them saying he isn't on it. He didn't make a comment. So idk. I didnt push past that..

But I don't have the money to buy something nice to wear to Mark's wake.

3) then I said well psychosis is more than hearing a voice. I get mental pictures and I don't want to see a dead person. Cause of that. I said it would depend on the person but ingeneral atm It's not healthy for me to see a dead body.

- he was like well they may cremate him and if they don't you don't have to go up and see him.

He said something like I know you don't respect him and maybe me and I jumped in and said I do respect you dad you're the only reason I'd go! And he brought up that I didn't see my grandmother or my aunt the two times they came down..

He is like a stone wall he fully expects me to go. I don't have anything to wear i don't want to be around people crying. It's not healthy for me.....and mark isn't worth it! He didn't mean anything to me!

I didn't bring up reason 4: mark never accepts me. He talkes massive shit about me to my face and to my mother and sister and everyone. I was a freakshow to mark.

I might as well have been in the freakshow at a circus to him. He didn't respect my gender at all.

I don't care for Melissa- his daughter she posted this thing on fb about not knowing if women are really women nowadays and having to look for an Adam's apple....made a joke about it.

I don't care for Bryan his son- he constantly talks to me like mark did, man up if you want to be a man so badly. Etc. He outed me to my sisters ex boyfriend during the move. He is an asshole.

Marks wife eddy... I do like but I mean I'm sure she's on board with all the transphobia..... I mean she just didn't say it. Beyond that Mark raped her multiple times. He was a hot head who would break your jaw for saying the wrong thing.

Oh yea he was a drug dealer too...

I mean I truly hated mark and I would not regret not going. Cause to me he didn't exist. He wasn't my family. He used to be my favorite uncle and then I transitioned and he lost all respect for me and I snipped him the fuck out.

He died to me when I started my transition.

So idk what to do cause the whole respect for my father thing should have been enough... like i respect you but XYZ and they are good reasons... and you know he said your uncle may not have respected you but you got to be there for the family..

No I really don't... you never talked to mark. You thought he was shit too... and despite some of my family accepting me the primary people who this affected- eddy, Bryan and Melissa mean nothing to me. And I mean absolutely nothing.

So idk what to do. I'm stressed about seeing my mother. I'm stressed cause if I don't go to marks wake then I've disrespected my father.

I'm stressed cause I lost an important post bc I accidently started posting on dopaminergicaddictions again and I deleted one where I got a lot of feelings out.

I'm stressed that I didn't sleep well.. I woke up at 3:30..

I'm stressed that I'm having the wierd tactile hallucinations with my mental images.

I don't want to buy clothes and go to see mark. He didn't respect me. I was a girl to him.

He wasn't my fucking family. And everytime I try to imagine glasses I see him partially dead already very unclear but his face and part of his glasses ... cause he wore them... so I mean yea I prob shouldn't go..

This isn't about getting off this is just psychosis being a cunt and already fucking with the mental pictures. If I see him there I will see the mental picture of him for months.

[tnlbarth-blog]

July 20 2023 - 3:51pm

Trigger Warning: talk of death/murder

Warning: All people places and things resembling any real people places or things are merely coincidence and are not to be taken as such.

Death. I am so sick of it being in my life. I am sick of finding people and animals dead in my life. I am fed up with my loved ones dying. I hate that death has to happen. Every time it is heartbreaking. It doesn't matter who or what dies it's upsetting for me.

My first experience with death was my first cat, Rose. She died while I was at school and I never got to say goodbye. She was my first real friend and every day I think about her.

It feels like it never ended. More and more die. My great grandmother. I was close with her. She was a cool old woman. She sported three piercings on each ear and talked about how she used to build world war II planes. She was 4ft 7inches tall but to me she was 7foot.

A little baby kitten I found under the window of my father's bathroom. She was so little. She must have been two weeks old at least. She was covered in fleas and I washed her and I fed her and I kept her warm and she died in my arms. I was so deviated I ended up missing a day of school. Her name was Star.

My gerbil Henry died. He was gifted to me by my cousin who couldn't take care of him any longer. He got out of his cage and cannibalized his leg to survive. Once I caught him again I tried taking him to several vets but no one would help him and he died shortly after. I will always believe it was my fault.

My cousin who I had been best friends with until she moved, died shortly after she moved back. I didn't even get to hang out with her again before she died. I saw her once before her death. I got to hug her one last time and I didn't know. She died in a car accident. She wasn't even driving. This death was one of the hardest ones.

My hamster, Herman, died of being poisoned by my first abusive ex. I loved Herman. He was a kind and gentle soul. He always curled up on me and slept. He never bit and he would offer me things, usually bits of food. He was 3 years old. I hate my ex.

Then my guinea pig, Goliath, died. He was gifted to me by my uncle (my mother's brother) who didn't tell me until after he died that he was super old. He died on Christmas morning two months after they gave him to me. My uncle laughed when he found out he died. A true monster, that man.

My dwarf hamster, Leo, died. He was feisty. He liked biting everything. He was killed. I don't know what happened. I came home and his cage was on its side and I found his body smashed on the floor not too far away from it. No one confessed. He was a fierce little guy.

After Leo died I stopped getting anything smaller than a cat. Because I couldn't handle them dying anymore. I decided I was unfit to have them.

My best friend's father died. He had been suffering for years with mental and physical problems. It was sad. The man was like a father to me.

My best friend's brother was killed. He was a great guy. He was smart and funny. A little rough around the edges. It took a toll on my best friend though. The two of them were starting to bond at that point after not really connecting for years. It was hard to watch it hurt her so bad.

My father died. He had gotten drunk and was driving home when the police tried pulling him over. He was driving his motorcycle at the time and tried to get away but ultimately crashed. He was in a coma for a week and then we had to pull the plug that last day. He was never going to wake up. His brain was so shook up that it was dying little by little. He was being kept alive by machines. While he was alive he requested that we pull the plug if he ever wound up there. That was the most devastating week of my life. I have not fully recovered from that even to this day.

My grandmother, my mom's mom, died. I wasn't very attached to her as she was abusive to my mom, her father, her siblings, me and my siblings. She died of cancer.

My grandfather, my mom's father, died. He loved animals like me. He was super smart and kind. Though my aunts and uncles would have you believe otherwise. He also died of cancer.

My cat Mittens died. She was left with my family when my grandmother passed away. I don't know how old she was. She was a sweet and shy cat. By the time she passed she and I had created a special bond and she died in my arms.

My cat Samantha, who I had gotten when she was nine shortly before I had gotten Herman passed away at 17 years old. She was my best friend. I told her everything. I saved her from an abusive family. They were evil. They kicked her and sat on her and did all kinds of mean things to her. She was covered in fleas and ticks. It was awful. From the day we first met she never left my side. She died in my arms and I cried for several days. I still cry sometimes. She was there for a lot of deaths.

Through the last two years or so I've found dead shrews and mice on the sticky traps in our basement. And even though the traps are set for them it breaks my heart. I try hard to trap them and release them but the sticky traps are the only thing that truly work. I come and check every day so I can at least rescue them but I seem to always be late and the few who I do find a live struggle so hard that they hurt themselves so I am left to kill them to be merciful. It hurts me every single time. My brother on countless occasions has told me that I shouldn't cry or feel guilty because they are pests. But they have brains. They have thoughts and feelings. I feel like a monster.

Most recently my mom's outdoor cat killed two baby bunnies yesterday. I had been watching the mother bunny create a nest for them in our yard for a month. I was so excited for the baby bunnies. I watched the nest from my window every day. And I went to the window yesterday after talking to my brother and I saw my mom's cat in the yard at the nest bent down. I knew as soon as I saw her. I rushed outside and she was eating one of the babies. She sits up and watches me as I pick up the bunny's body, still warm and still mostly intact. And I found a second baby also dead. Still warm, still intact. I pick it up too. I was crying so hard. I called the cat a monster, knowing she was just doing what cats do best. I took the bunnies inside and put them in a box. But because it was too late in the evening I couldn't bury them. So I planned on doing it today. I put their box in the freezer overnight. They are buried in the woods behind my home in a grave I dug myself. I gave them a eulogy and I cried again. Their grave is marked with three small stones.

My cat Starfire or Star for short, is dying from Mammary Cancer as we speak. Slowly dying. She was diagnosed about 8 months ago but I first found the growth when it was no larger than a pea last May. We couldn't afford to fight the cancer but according to my research and backed up by the vet it wouldn't matter if we could. The probability of her getting it again was almost a 100 percent odd. She would probably die after a year whether we cured her or not. So for now we wait. And while we wait we keep her as comfortable and happy as we can.

It is starting to get hard to even want pets. Their lives are too short. And saying good bye seems to be getting harder and harder. There is a reason I state that I want to die first. Death hurts so much. It feels unfair.

Regards

TNL Barth

[kessielrg]

[MMX] Future Me Hates Me: Part 2

Summary: After stumbling upon a Light Capsule, and having it erroneously refer to her as Kalinka, Aero seeks to figure out just what her family connection is to Doctor Light. Meanwhile, after the death of Iris, Zero vows to absolve himself of his past. However, as Aero becomes the target of a Maverick, Zero is forced into finding that not all bridges can easily be burned…

Rating: K+

word Count: 1,644 words

Part: 1, [2], 3, 4, 5

. . . .

Doctor Cain had given Aero a lot of his research journals. Many were from before she was born, documenting his archaeological digs and what he’d find (or not find) there. There was just one small caveat to them though: Doctor’s Cain handwriting was notoriously hard to decipher. It was why there were so few copies or recreations of the journal that documented the day he found X- no one was able to read them. Aero had only the faintest idea of what each chicken scratch meant, and that was only because she practically grew up with it.

It’s not like anyone asked her to transcribe them. But she probably would have refused anyway; for both her privacy and Cain’s. These journals were still holders to some of Cain’s more frustrated thoughts when it came to his life’s ambition.

‘Still nothing. For the last month, I have been sifting through the dirt trying to find a fossil record which would verify my findings on Mesozoic plant life, but so far I have come up empty. Tomorrow I'll move my archaeological dig to a new site. Maybe I'll have better luck.’

The start of Cain’s discovery to X. Aero had been looking for this journal since she got home. And, just as she feared, the place where Cain found X was nowhere near where she found the odd capsule. Still, she continued to read on. Aero hadn’t got to see X right after he came out of his hibernation station. The two had their first meeting almost a month after, and they tried to stay in touch up until X formally joined the Maverick Hunters. It was so weird to think it’s been that long…

‘How did Doctor Light have the time to make armors for a project he didn’t even know would see the light of day after he passed?’ Aero thought to herself as she went over Doctor Cain’s journals more. Surely there would have been other sightings of capsules beforehand too? Some mention of them at Doctor Light’s ruined and abandoned lab? ‘Wasn’t he ill for a really long time before he died?’

Aero absently bit the tip of her thumb in thought. A few moments more and she was digging around for her phone. By (rather embarrassing) instinct, she almost called X instead of her grandmother. X didn’t know any more about his creator than Doctor Cain did.

“Well, hello my darling.” Aero’s grandmother said once she picked up the line. “How are you doing?”

“I’m fine, Gran.” Aero replied, a small grin teasing her lips. “I’ve just been wondering about something recently and wanted to know if you could help.”

“Of course, dear. What do you need?”

Aero hesitated for a moment, biting her lip.

“I wanted to know if you knew anything about your mom’s dad. I want to know how close Doctor Cossack was to Doctor Light.”

. . .

After yesterday’s assignment -a mission that did lead to any good answers- Zero had wanted to take on something more relaxed. He refused to take a day off, despite the suggestion of the Navigator, and so he shouldn’t have been surprised that he was given something he considered child’s play.

“We suspect that a Maverick has hacked into a human residence as of 500 hours and ongoing.” the Navigator told Zero. “Most of the data can be traced to a single street; Poplar Court. We know this to be from a Maverick instead of a human due to the manipulation of the cyber data directly. Further investigations show that it is a single residence that is being targeted, due to the abnormal levels of ping time between clients. The residence in question has the number 101-25 and is currently occupied by a single woman in her mid 20s.”

“1010-25…?” Zero started to wonder, knowing that the street name was familiar. When he realized how, he then hissed with disgust, “Aero.”

“Indeed.” the Navigator agreed. “While odd that a potential Maverick could be gathering intel from a human, it is still a cause for concern and needs to be investigated immediately.”

“Understood,” Zero nodded. “I’ll connect through our servers and navigate to those on Poplar Court from there. Also, has X been informed of this?”

“No. Maverick Hunter X has been placed on a multi day assignment that bars most communication from being accessible. Any and all calls are to be made in an emergency or otherwise dire situation.”

“Good.”

The Navigator gave a nod of confirmation of her own before going to type something at her computer.

“We have Data Room 5 ready for your transfer. Remember that any and all injuries you sustain in Cyberspace could prove fatal. Should you die in Cyberspace, your body will fail outside of it and R-DNA data retrieval will not be possible. Do you understand and respect these terms, Zero?”

When the Navigator looked up, Zero was already gone.

Entering Cyberspace was nothing new for Zero. He knew the risks and had seen many of the repercussions first hand- even the permanent ones. All he really needed to hear was which room was open. Dealing with an in-mainframe hacker was exactly the light work he needed today anyway. If he was clever, he might even convince them to disconnect peacefully. Zero snorted at the thought. X was the better peace negotiator between them- it was the Mavericks that decided they didn’t want to listen and, in doing so, signed their own death warrants. Hopefully, if this one was smart enough to get into a human’s communication system, then they'd have the common sense to back down too.

Navigating Cyberspace was not dissimilar to simply walking down the street. Especially when most traffic lights or billboards were connected to the interconnecting data transfer of Cyberspace to begin with. And, much to his wish to forget it, Zero knew the general path to Aero’s street like the back of his hand. Before X became a Hunter, Aero’s place was where Zero could usually find him. The two used to be quite close before then- Zero could remember Doctor Cain once telling Sigma that he hoped Aero and X would be the first Reploid and human union. The thought of it still made Zero sick to his stomach. X was destined to become a Maverick Hunter. It gave him purpose. Far more purpose than pretending to be human with another-

Zero had been so lost in his thoughts that he almost didn’t see the bug. In Cyberspace, what would have easily been a webcam or computer set became a small pocket of red data. It would collect information from anywhere its range could reach. Right now, its only reach seemed to be right above Aero’s home. A less experienced Maverick Hunter would have said it was inactive. Zero knew far better.

After some careful manipulating, Zero could get a feedback loop of what Aero had said, to what the hacker would also be mumbling. Aero took up the left screen from the loop, the hacker (whose appearance was obscured due to purposely cutting off any potential video feed) occupied the right screen. He hadn’t been an easy fix. Whoever this hacker was knew what they were doing.

“I believe my grandfather left behind some of his research work with Doctor Light in Russia.” the voice of Aero’s grandmother said. A recent phone call must have triggered the bug’s recording abilities. “A family vault with a code that you would be able to figure out, my dear.”

“Lemme guess, a very important date?” Aero snarked. The grin on her face was knowing, and almost mischievous.

“There was no doubting my grandfather’s love of Kalinka.” Aero’s grandmother laughed. Even Aero joined in. Zero had only a vague idea of the joke, but kept that thought pushed away for now.

“I might catch the next plane over, then.” Aero decided. “It’s a weird in-between with work now, you know? And I’ve got the zenny stored up that’s not going anywhere.”

“Would you like my card, darling? Exchange rates are so high these days…”

“No, I think I can handle it, Gran. I’ll send you a message when I get there though.”

“That would be wonderful. Be safe darling, I love you.”

“I love you too, Gran.”

The feed of Aero’s call ended, leaving only the audio from the hacker.

“Russia, huh?” the hacker mused. Their voice was also synthesized to all hell and back, making the vocal pattern unrecognizable. “I should have known. Finally, all the secrets to the ultimate Reploid will be mine.”

After that, the feed disappeared as well, leaving behind the hibernating bug. The vagueness of it all immediately hit the alarm bells in Zero’s mind.

‘Why is Aero suddenly interested in Doctor Light? She can’t even handle being related to Doctor Cain. And Russia? Who in her family could have had ties with Russia? It must have been someone important if this was the information the hacker was waiting for. Why would the hacker be listening in anyway? Aero wouldn’t know anything about the ultimate Reploid. Only Doctor Cain would, or even Doctor Light who made X- who in and of himself could be called the ultimate Reploid. Someone in Russia, family of Aero’s, who could potentially have the knowledge to make…’

“Shit.” Zero cursed. He immediately withdrew his data and woke up at Maverick Hunter HQ.

“Zero,” the Navigator said from over his headset, “Is everything alright? The threat hasn’t been-”

“The hacker wasn’t there. It was a bug.” Zero told her, rather harshly. “They already have the information they need. A Maverick is planning on harming a human for information. Our next course of action is to track down that Maverick because they are on the move. We also need to contact Aero -over a secure connection- now. She is in danger.”

[sapphicsmaximoff]

the heir - daenerys targaryen x oc

Summary: when a descendant of the blackfyre name makes a deal with the true heir to the iron throne, she only wishes to kill the current king, not fall in love with a future queen

a/n: I have found a new hyperfixation, and this is a new asoiaf fic im writing on ao3

Pairing: daenerys targaryen x blackfyre oc

i ii iii

Daenerys never liked the life she came to live. She and Viserys were in exile. He spoke of taking back his rightful kingdom, and it was hard to hear him speak of her as nothing but a pawn. But one day, she felt a shift. It was when the Magister had introduced Viserys to a woman. Daenerys wasn't invited to listen to their conversation, but she was there, and she remembered her name.

Calla Blackfyre, second of her name.

She'd never seen Viserys so excited to hear the name. "She is one of us, Daenerys.." Daenerys didn't know much about the Blackfyres and their relation to the Targaryens except that they were said to have died decades ago.

"I know you seem skeptical of my origins, but my mother had me and my brother with Maelys Blackfyre before his death in the Stepstones."

"And who is your brother?"

"Daemon Blackfyre, fourth of his name. But he is no longer with us." Viserys nods, noting that yet again the male Blackfyre line ceases to exist.

"And why do you wish to fight for me, Calla?" Her eyes drift to Daenerys, who silently watches, and back to Viserys. "I wish to put Robert Baratheon's head on a spike." The man is so shocked by the answer that he smiles wildly, bursting out a laugh. He roughly pats her shoulder. "Great minds think alike. But I must inquire," Calla nods, watching his eyes drift to the sword.

He looks back up quickly and smiles wider. "Why do you hold such a grudge?"

"King Robert wishes to wipe us all out. I begged my mother as a child to let us have her name, but she refused. Despite my kinfolk, Daemon I, being a bastard, he believes we carry the spirit of the Dragon through our veins. My brother and I are bastards ourselves." Viserys hums.

"I know of a man with 100,000 men. An army that would crush the Baratheons and the Lannisters."

"Is that so?" Carra nods. "Khal Drogo, owes me."

"What will he bargain for?" The prince was desperate to make it back to King's Landing, and he will do anything to get there. No matter how desperate the way may be. Carra's eyes drift to Daenerys once more. "A wife." Viserys follows her gaze and looks back at Carra.

"Can I trust you?"

Not much more needed to be said when her leather-gloved hand shook his. Daenerys didn't appreciate being sold off in front of her, but it would take quite some time for this marriage to be arranged.

In the coming moons, Daenerys watched Carra. At night she'd look at the Narrow Sea, or simply sit anywhere and stare at the setting sun. One night, she became curious and went outside after her. "What is so compelling about the sunset that you wish to see it every night?" Carra didn't jump at the princess's soft tone, but smiled lightly and turns to look at her.

"When I was young, I lived in Winterfell. It's where my mother was born. She was visiting my grandmother when she met my father. Up until my 15th name day, I'd never seen the sun. It was either gloomy and wet, or snowy and wet." Daenerys chuckles, walking over. Carra scoots over so she can sit on the bench.

"I watch the sunset now because it brings me peace. Before I was told my birthright, I was a blacksmith in my younger years. That sounds insane, right? Six-year-old forges weapons fit for the Stark boys." She scoffs, looking back out to the sea. "Starks. If I were born Carra Tiren as I wished, my life would've been so simple."

"You don't know that."

"Oh, I do." She looks back over at her. "But you will never know. You are a Targaryen."

"And yet, you wield our weapon. Doesn't that make you a Targaryen, too? By default." She smiles, and Carra smiles back. "Blackfyre was wielded by Aegon the Conqueror and has been passed down for 200 years. It was hidden until my brother died at the hands of the King himself." The girl's hand drifts to Carra's knee.

"I'm sorry." Carra covers her hand with her own. "Don't be." She retracts it and leans back. "That oaf is paranoid. So convinced that even the bastard kin of a bastard would ever wish to rule."

"But I heard it was your birthright." Carra chuckles, nodding. "The Blackfyre Pretenders. Jaehaerys made sure that never continued." She sighs. "But enough politics. You asked me about my interest in the sunset?" She receives a nod in response.

"Well, when we moved to King's Landing, Daemon would climb onto the highest of buildings and watch it. We were there for my uncle, and there was nothing for us in Winterfell. We'd sneak into the brothels as we became grown."

"Brothels?" Daenerys smirks.

"We only watched. Daemon found a strange interest in larger women with humongous breasts." The girl beside her laughs. "My Gods, they were, just-" She chuckles, and the girl watches as Carra gains her mental image. "You'd be amazed."

"Would I?"

"Yeah." She pauses, a thought on her tongue. "God, I was knighted under my mother's name. Ser Carra Tiren."

"I thought you didn't use her name."

"We did, for a while. It was because of where we were. As I said, the oaf is quite paranoid. We were exposed as Maelys' children. My brother was no fighter, simply a butcher, and my mother helped my uncle with his tavern. They were executed, and I watched in disguise. "Anyone with the blood of a Targaryen, whether thick or thin, will die before me." He said. Takes the throne, and kills the ones who have the right to be on it. Spoken like a true king, a true usurper." The girl silently watches as Carra's eyes fall to the ground.

"Your family did not deserve to be executed, and it is not your fault." Carra clenches her jaw.

"He thought we would challenge. How? My brother was not fit to be king. He was no warrior—a skinny boy with bad eyes, and frail hands. I was taller and stronger, he was nothing but a sweet man. How could he look at him and think he'd even want to be on a throne? It should've been me."

"Carra-"

"I-When this is all over, and Viserys drives a sword through Robert's heart, I will live on a beach. Daemon wished to live on a beach."

"Maybe I could come with you." Carra scoffs playfully, and she looks at Daenerys. "You? The delicate flower? You'd leave your brother to be on your own?" The girl wanted to be offended, but Carra's smile was making it hard to.

"Yes! I am my person." Carra nods with a smirk. "Yeah, sure. But, I must warn you, princess, I am boring." Daenerys scoffs. "After all you've just told me, you think yourself boring spilling out your life story?" Carra shrugs.

"My brother had fun. He was handsome enough, so the young girls would fawn over him. He had friends and went to parties in the woods. I sat at home, and read. No boys liked me, although that never mattered much to me. Aside from my knighthood, I was pretty quiet, I had one friend."

"Well, tell me about them." Carra chuckles. "Her name was Alise. She was so smart, so cunning. We met when I first moved to King's Landing. I was ten, Daemon was twelve. One day a lord came and asked for me and my boss, Geron, to forge a sword fit for a warrior. For a fortnight we worked. He paid extra, and on breaks, while he spoke to Geron, Alise, and I played. We were friends until my family's execution. We saw each other one last time before I fled."

Although Carra didn't believe Daenerys to be completely idiotic, she just didn't want the princess to know of her dalliances. "I hear she is married to some pig in Casterly Rock." She turns toward Daenerys fully. "Why did you come out here? You should be asleep."

The blonde stares into Carra's brown eyes. "I don't know. I was curious as to why you spend your nights out here."

"Well, I'm glad. I've never told a stranger my life story." The girl smiles, holding Carra's hand in hers. "You are no longer a stranger, Carra. You are a friend."

"I don't have many of those."

[eternalgirlscout]

i listened to wooden overcoats for the first time when i was a sophomore in college. i think season 2 had just ended. i was on a voracious fiction podcast streak, listening to at least an episode or two of pretty much anything, and something about a funeral home sitcom charmed me immediately. i remember recommending it to a friend as we took a walk in a local cemetery--in retrospect, i can’t decide if that was in poor taste or perfect.

the end of season 3 came out just a few months after my own grandmother died. i have a vivid memory of hearing “putting the funn in funerals” for the first time, in my grandfather’s house, and sitting with it next to a window with sunlight pouring in as i tried not to cry.

i did a full relisten late in 2020. i needed something familiar that i knew would make me laugh without pretending the hard times don’t happen.

i’ve had a long relationship with this podcast, i guess is what i’m saying. the finale was a beautiful goodbye, an ending that tied up what needed tying up without foreclosing the future, and i’m grateful to have had it in my life.