#i have a friend from 5th grade (we still keep in touch) who's very nearly nonverbal. she has severe audio processing issues too so

[stormy-nights-are-best]

^^^ Preach

Is this kind of friendship even allowed?

[jessicawestonauthor]

On Childhood, Creativity and Writing

I have always wanted to be a writer, ever since I was a kid.

I started reading adult books in 3rd grade when I read "Woman Without a Past" by Phyllis A. Whitney - I got it from my mother's bookshelf, and I actually still have the same book today. In 5th grade I read my first Stephen King book (Cujo), and I remember my 4th and 5th grade teacher Mr. Reardon (who I am actually Facebook friends with today), really made writing a fun part of my education. I think that is when my interest in writing REALLY began.

I always felt very creative and full of ideas. My brothers and I grew up without a lot of other kids in our neighborhood, so we had to keep ourselves occupied with our imaginations. I can't tell you how many "forts" and "houses" we created with old plywood and boards, or even just in some overgrown thicket in our yard. The area between the Lilac bushes and the front porch, I always imagined was a mobile home trailer.

But the full blown worlds and storylines we came up with together were so intricate, I can still remember many of them today, nearly 30 years later. . I think growing up the way we did really gave us a wonderful opportunity to exercise our imaginations and really push the limits of what our creativity.

My brother is also a writer, and arguably a much better writer than me. Our styles are quite different and he has been actively writing much longer than me

For me, I struggled for all of these years. I loved writing, in theory, but I struggled to actually DO it. Once I started taking medication for my ADHD that all changed. For the first time in years I was inspired to start reading again in my spare time, and so I opened up the Kindle App on my phone and before bed each night I started reading books I had downloaded years ago.

It didn't take long before all of that reading refreshed my love of the written word. The stories coming to life in my head was like finding a long lost friend. Within just a couple weeks of starting to read regularly again, I found myself critiquing the stories I was reading. I was picking out things I enjoyed that the writers had done, and also things I thought could have been done better and figuring out how I would do it differently.

After a week or two of critiquing stories in my head and arguing with my half asleep self every night about how I could write a book, I SHOULD write a book, but I have ADHD and hyperfocus on new hobbies and then forget about them in six months so why bother starting when I'm just going to give up, I finally told myself to shut up.

I sat down one morning, googled writing prompts, and the first one I read immediately gave me an idea so I broke out a notebook and a fun pen and got to work plotting ideas and then character bios. Within a week I had three chapters written and my friends couldn't wait to read more.

It's been a little over a month now and I'm starting Chapter 11, I currently have just under 14,000 words, and no plans to stop any time soon. The ideas just keep flowing with no end in sight!

p.s. Please don't judge me for still having a Facebook account with all of this upheaval about the potential Tiktok ban. If the ban goes through I will most likely be deleting FB and IG both. I only have FB to keep in touch with distant family and friends

[guardianspirits13]

if you feel like answering, why is natsuo your favorite character? like what do you like most about him? what made you connect to him/what made him stand out to you?

Ohhh boy better buckle up because this is gonna be a long one.

First off, thank you so much for the ask, and sorry it took so long to strap down and answer you! Naturally, I have a lot to say and I'm always looking for opportunities to rant about my favorite character 👀

The chapter that first opened my eyes to Natsuo as a character was chapter 252. I was caught up with the manga at this point so I read it right when it was released and it really touched me. From then on I became invested in his character, particularly his relationship with Touya which I really dug into and channeled into my Brother animatic. He's been my favorit from then on, and there are many reasons for this.

I think the main reason his character resonated with me so deeply is because I've never encountered a character who hits nearly as close to home as he does. I didn't have the best relationship with my father growing up, and despite it being a different and much less serious situation than what Natsuo lived through, I can relate to and understand a lot of his resentment on a personal level. Many of his one-liners are things that I have said or thought before almost verbatim, so needless to say Horikoshi definitely knows what he's doing.

It is very important to me how Horikoshi goes out of his way to give this seemingly minor character so much development. Every scene he is in, every word he says has so much thought behind it and contributes to his character tremendously, and some of the best examples of this are in the latest chapters with him.

He has significantly more developent than most of the minor characters in 1a, despite them obviously appearing much more often. This is because whenever Natsuo does appear, he's very outspoken and the scene normally ends up revolving around him in some way.

I also want to talk about his relationship with his family as a whole- one thing about his character that I don't think anyone else has really mentioned before is how humble he is. He grew up in a household where he was neglected and essentially seen as worthless (regardless of his quirk or lack thereof but I have a whole nother essay for that alone), and even Touya wasn't exactly the kindest to him from what we've seen. Despite this, Natsuo was able to forge his own path and become the person he wanted to be. He got through highschool with good enough grades to get into a pre-med program which in Japan is a very hard thing to do considering national standards, not to mention how different the medical field must be with the variety of mutation quirks that exist.

As for humility, I think the fact that he can be proud of Shouto for forging his own path as a hero despite his personal distaste for hero society, and is immediately thankful when he’s saved from a villain by a group of high schoolers. He doesn’t act like he’s better than anyone else because he’s older, or because he won’t forgive Endeavor (quite the contrary, he seems to view his distaste of Endeavor as a shortcoming on his part).

Another thing that I really just adore about his character is how kind and gentle he is, regardless of (or perhaps in spite of) his upbringing. Considering that he's a male character in a shounen manga, this is particularly interesting to me. Out of his brothers he is physically the most similar to Endeavor, but personality-wise the most different. A huge component of this is that he was raised mostly by Fuyumi and continues to be incredibly close to her. Natsuo is a social person and an emotionally driven character, and he is certainly not afraid to speak his mind- if nothing else, he is honest. Compare this to Shouto, who is definitely an introvert and prefers to keep to himself, kind of blunt about things and definitely lacking in emotional awareness. It’s hard to separate Shouto’s personality from lack of socialization as a kid, but even Endeavor shares many of the same traits. Touya is also an emotionally-driven character but in a completely different way, he’s self-serving and angry and driven for revenge. Perhaps if he had a normal childhood Natsuo and Touya would have been much more similar, but Touya’s early signs of mental illness as a kid festered with lack of treatment. Back to Natsuo, he also is very caring and thoughtful, and we really see this most in the 5th light novel, (official translations aren’t out but here’s a link).

We consistently see just how much he cares about the rest of his family (other than Endeavor, obviously). I think this is seen really clearly through his attempts to connect with Shouto. He knows nothing about his little brother but still tries to connect with him in any way he can think of- playing soccer, eating soba, talking with him about his friends and just generally showing interest in his life.

Another interesting point here is that he almost seems to look up to his siblings as being better than him, especially Shouto. This is not in a jealous way, but more self-deprecating as he sees Fuyumi and Shouto letting Endeavor back into their lives and feels guilty and unkind because he is unable to do the same. He is proud of Shouto, but they are different in so many ways that it’s hard to find a middle ground. Shouto is mature in that he is already halfway to a lifelong career and has experienced many dangerous situations, while Natsuo is a college student and years away from helping people on the same level that Shouto does in high school. Inversely, Natsuo is more socially competent and outgoing, while Shouto is sheltered, and has a unique innocence to him. Natsuo is more familiar with their family situation and thus has a more complex understanding and much stronger stance than Shouto, especially because he knew Touya.

He also goes out of his way to try and help Fuyumi and re-iterate how much she means to him (even if it fails, it’s the thought that counts, amirite?). He consistently comes to dinner when Fuyumi invites him, knowingly exposing himself to his pervasive trauma upon seeing Endeavor to allow her to entertain the fantasy of having a happy, normal family.

I really want to re-iterate here how much of his own pain he puts to the side in just agreeing to show up for dinner. Both times he is visibly uncomfortable and almost upset by Endeavor’s presence as if it makes him anxious (which is understandable), and he is mentally incapable of staying in said situation without freaking out, which he does whenever he can’t escape; the first time when Endeavor puts a hand on his shoulder to stop him from leaving, and the second time mere minutes after an incredibly traumatic near-death experience. (Side note: Endeavor should not be getting up into his personal space like he does, knowing full well how uncomfortable Natsuo is with his mere presence).

He puts his own trauma to the side to help his siblings ,and if that isn’t selfless I don’t know what is.

With all of this deliberate development and the advent of the Dabi reveal, I am confident that Natsuo is going to play a larger role in the future and will contribute in some major way to bringing Dabi down. If there's one thing I trust Horikishi for it's that he doesn't develop his characters for nothing. There's always a payoff at the end that puts everything in place, even though he plays a slow burn. I'm always scared that whenever Natsuo shows up he's gonna do/say something that's inconsistent with his character so far and disprove one of my theories/assumptions/headcanons about him and every time I am proven wrong.

In conclusion: I love my salty son.

If you want to read even more of my thoughts on him, here's a link to a rediculously long meta about his trauma and emotions:

Thank you again for the ask. I very much enjoyed writing it and I hope you enjoyed reading it as well!!!

[comablog2]

Add a twink to the mix

Generated prompt: Eddie confesses to Buck that they have always been curious about what it would be like to have a threesome, so Buck , whether or not they have reservations (it's up to you), approaches a third party with the idea (C’s reaction is, again, up to you).

Tagging: @felicitous-one @buckleystrand @cherishingstydia @chrrlees @tkandbuck @justsmilestuffhappens @black-forest-girl @haderofthesociety @lilywoood @translucent-bisexual @transbuckley @livlyf247 @multi-fandom-writing @levithestripper @fyeahhipsterboys @impossiblealice @seaofashes

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Eddie was never not satisfied with Buck in his life. When he says this man makes him feel good mentally and physically, he means it. And he also makes him feel good sexually.

Buck completes him, and is his perfect other half.

But some part of him, maybe the part of him who had wanted that good old experimentation, wanted to try something new. Something that, while they mentioned in passing, had never actually talked about in detail.

Threesomes.

It was something that had been on his mind lately, especially with the new Probie in the station. The idea of him sandwiched between Buck and Eddie. The idea of discovering a brand new body in the safety of a consensual and relaxed environment. Buck has never seemed to be close minded. He enjoys talking about things in the relationship, especially if it'll be fun and good for the two of them.

So with that, Eddie finally decides to sit him down and decides it's time to talk.

"So.. I was thinking about something lately and I don't want you to get mad. I just want to talk about it." Eddie says quietly, looking up at Buck who just smiles and rubs his knee encouragingly. "How do you feel about the idea of having a threesome?" He rushes out, biting his lip a moment, then looking up at him with buzzing nerves.

Buck blinks a few times, then he gives a small chuckle.

"'It's not cause I'm not happy with you. You make me so, so happy. But.. I wanna try that.. you know?" He says quietly. He feels almost stupid. Nearly 30 years old and he wants to "try it out?"

"Hey, no I understand. I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought of it. " Buck says with a chuckle. Eddie shrugs and smiles at him and Buck bites his lip. "Probie huh?"

Eddie flushes scarlet, but he nodded quickly.

"I don't know. The idea of having someone new between us.. I want to try that. And probie is just.." Eddie gives a little growl that makes Buck grin.

"He's definitely new. But you do know we need to talk to him about that right? And we know that Max is trans, so he's built different, and that might make him feel a litte awkward." Buck says, leaning back in his chair. He looks up from the table to Eddie's eyes. "But we'll take our time. If it's something you want to try or do, we will try to make that happen."

"You want it too, right? I don't want this without you." Eddie says firmly. Buck pulls him into a kiss as he stands up and strokes Eddie's back gently

"I definitely want this. Now let's get some dinner to eat. I'm hungry." Eddie nodded happily and kisses back.

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Eddie looks over the railing to where Max and Buck were detailing the truck together. He can't help but chuckle slightly at the height difference between them. Buck is 6'2, and he's 6 even. Max is only 5'6 and he looks pretty short out of all the crew, accept Chimney who was similar height, if a bit taller. But Max easily holds his own, one of the determined kinds that is a strong, fast and effective worker. He fit right in with the crew here.

Max grins up at him when he notices him staring, waving and Buck looks up over Max with a small smirk and nod.

"Hey, Eddie and I are going out for a drink after work, and we wanted to know if you'd like to join?" Buck asks, and closes the hatch to the medical supply. Max perks and grins a bit.

"Hell yeah. That sounds fun." He went to say something else, but the alarm blares and they dash into action. Eddie now is dying for the end of their shift to come. The rest of the day was going to drag by, Eddie knew, but he could go hang out with Buck and Max at the end of the day. It would be worth the shift.

The last few hours slowly ticked by, but once it was over, Max was changing out in the locker room. Max was pulling on his tank top when Buck and Eddie saw the two top surgery scars on his chest. Max meets their eyes and hastily pulls the shirt down and grabbing his large sweater.

"You don't need to hide those. It's nothing to be ashamed of." Buck says, gesturing to the leg from the fire truck incident. "We all have scars." Max grins slightly and shrugs softly, pulling on a sweater.

"I'm still not used to them. It happened like almost 9 months ago but it's kinda surreal. Like.. from age nine I had boobs. Now... no boobs." He shakes his head and ties his hair off his face.

"Nine??" Eddie asks in disbelief. Max pulls a face.

"Early bloomer. Ridiculously early. It was hell." He says, gesturing to his hips. "You know what it's like having giant hips and thighs in 5th grade?? Its hell." Buck chuckles in surprise and covers his mouth with a sheepish look. "You can laugh that shit was funny."

Max drives behind Eddie's truck to head to the couple's favorite bar, the LA traffic being so slow it gave Eddie and Buck the chance to talk about how to approach it.

"We need to be casual. I mean, that's what this is. It's a casual hook up proposal. We'll have a little something to drink and ask Max what he thinks of threesomes. If its positive we'll figure it out." Buck says with a reassuring smile. Eddie nodded, smiling when Buck leans over to kiss his cheek. Max parked beside their truck, climbing out and adjusting his sweater sleeves. He was a little nervous, and he can't help but stare at the two men climbing out of Eddie's truck. Golden hour did them justice, and so did the tight jeans and very well fitting shirts. He doesn't like feeling intimidated, but he knows that these two are friends, coworkers, and there wasn't any reason to feel so anxious.

But he's still anxious nonetheless.

"Let's get inside. We need a wind down drink." Buck encourages, always the crowd motivator. Max nodded, a little tension falling away from his shoulders. A little drinking would be nice, something to take the edge off. They head inside, thankful that it's not super crowded, but the evening rush would pour in soon enough.

"Do you have a preferred drink?" Buck asks, bumping against Max as they head to a tall table top. Max shrugs absentmindedly.

"What do you guys get?" He asks, settling onto a bar stool.

"Just a beer or two normally." Eddie says, sitting beside him. Max pulls a face and sticks out his tongue.

"God y'all are gross." Max says, still shaking his head. "I know they have blue raspberry wine coolers." He says excitedly. Eddie chuckles and elbows him teasingly. "You can think what you want but at least I dont enjoy drinking overpriced dog piss." Max retorts with a raised eyebrow and a grin. Buck snorts a quiet laugh and goes up to the bar to order, declining Max's offer to pay.

Eddie liked the snark and fierceness that Max carries. Not even in a mean way, he was just expressive. Him and Buck had bursting personalities in common.

It doesn't take long for Buck to come back with three bottles and three shots.

"Shots?" Eddie asks, taking one off the tray.

"Hey it takes the edge off." Buck says with a huge grin. Max chuckles and grabs his.

"That's what the beer is for!" Eddie protests, although he wasn't exactly opposed.

"But it's a little extra." Max says, bumping shoulders. "Now, what are we cheering too. We gotta cheer to something." He says, grinning at Buck as he sits down.

"Cheers too... team work?" He suggests, and after a moment of laughing they cheers to team work and throw back their shots.

The conversation melted around them with ease, but Eddie still seems anxious. The idea of asking Max, who he wanted in more ways then one that question made him nervous but excited. Buck and Eddie made eye contact over their beers and nodded softly.

With the conversation full of boarder line flirting and sexual tension, Buck took his shot.

"What do you think of threesomes?" Buck tosses loosely, grinning softly. None of them were drunk, or even tipsy. But they were pretty relaxed and at ease. That made the conversation so much easier, and words flow easily.

"Never had one, but would totally have one." He looks between the two. "What about you two. You two are dating, so have you ever added a third before?" Max's tone went teasing, and he tried to force his ideas away. The idea that he could join and be the third, the idea of being touched by both of them, be in between them. Max shifted slightly in his seat and tries to keep away his blush.

"We're looking too." Eddie says bluntly. He puts an arm around Max and raises an eyebrow.

"Mmm.. So that wasn't just a question, and more of a suggestion?" Max knows the small amount of alcohol is making him feel bolder, but its not like he hasn't thought about this before. He shudders when Buck's hand glides to his inner thigh.

"It was definitely a suggestion." He growls quietly, hand squeezing his thigh. Max bites his lip and finishes his drink in one final swallow.

"I can drive and I'm ready to leave when you are?" Max says, looking between them and raising an eyebrow. Buck and Eddie share a quick look, and nod. All of them are then hopping off their bar stools and making their way to the exit. The bar was considerably more crowded, more rowdy, but outside the sun was set and the night are was cool. Eddie grabs Max by the hips and pulls him close with a smirk.

"Follow the truck." He says, voice gravely. Max nodded, feeling Bucks body press against his back. "See you soon."

Max fumbles with his keys to start his car, trying to calm his nerves and shifting his hips in his seat. He's way more excited then he expected.

He's able to drive, of course, but as he approaches Buck and Eddie's home, he anticipates what will happen once he's inside. Once he parks, he climbs out and locks the car, knowing he was a moment or two late. Eddie was standing there as Buck unlocks and opens the door. Eddie grins and takes Max's hand, pulling him inside.

The door shut behind them.

Max felt Bucks chest pressing against his back, his hands easily pulling the other into him. Eddie and Buck tower over Max, the heated kiss Eddie gave him taking all his breath. Eddie's hands were slipping under his sweater, under his tank top. With each touch, Max felt like his skin was being lit on fire, but in a delicious burning way.

"Let's get him upstairs, before you loose your mind." Buck says, tone teasing and deep. Max shudders, lips falling away from Eddie's with a click. Eddue leans up and nips Bucks mouth, their lips, teeth, tongue going after the other. Max rolls his hips against Eddie's thigh involuntarily at the sight, a small moan escaping him.

Bucks hand slips perfectly around Max's neck, pulling away from Eddie to kiss him as well.

"Upstairs." Max whispers against Buck's lips.

They stumble up, hands roaming, touching, grabbing, bodies tangling together as need filled each of them.

Max's legs hit the bed and he sits down, quickly pulling his legs up to sit on his knees. He grabs Eddie by his belt loops, pulling him close and beginning to one handedly undo his belt. Eddie yanks off his shirt, Buck settling behind Max and pulling off both shirts he was wearing.

"Fuck!" Max whispers, shuddering at the cold air hitting his skin. Buck places one hand on his stomach, the other on his neck and giving it a firm, but careful squeeze. Max finally, after months of dreaming, was experiencing the best moment of his life. He eases Eddie's pants down, but not his briefs. Not yet.

Eddie was Rick hard, leaking precum onto the cotton of his underwear. Max looks up at him with that look, sucking softly on the tip through his underwear.

Eddie's hands grip his hair hard, a guttural moan escaping him. Buck chuckles into Max's neck, biting and kissing the sensitive skin there. Max licks another strip along the clothes skin and smirks. Carefully he pulls off his briefs, lowering them down to his thighs and biting his lip at the sight.

"Fuck baby.." Max whispers, grinning up at Eddie. Buck chuckles and wraps a hand around Eddie's cock.

"He's so fucking good isnt he? But we don't want him to be the only one showing off, do we?" Buck asks. Max feels Buck shift back, and while Eddie fully shimmied out of his pants, Buck took off his shirt and pants.

"I didn't have bottom surgery." Max blurts when Eddie's hands start undoing his pant button. Eddie paused and looks up at him with a soft smile. He kisses Max softly and rubs his hips.

"That's okay. We're bi." Buck says, gripping his ass. Max shudders and nodded quickly. Eddie pulls off his pants and underwear, throwing the clothes somewhere over his shoulder. Max gets back on his knees facing Eddie and placing a kiss on the side of his cock. Buck settled right back behind him, hand slipping between his legs.

Max takes Eddie in his mouth, trying to clamp his thighs shut when Buck begin to tease him. Buck grabs his thigh and pulls them open. Eddie's fingers tangle in his hair again, pulling him close and Max takes him in willingly.

Soft moaning, whimpering filled the room, Buck perfectly content on watching Eddie take control of another person. Watching him being so dominant over another. Max, normally kind if stubborn, let them in without much protest. It made Buck feel warm, and once Eddie's hips begin to thrust frantically, Buck forces him to pull off.

"Dont want you to cum too early." Buck teases, carefully pumping two fingers in and out of Max. Without a distraction, Eddie's cock in his mouth, Max was focused solely on the feeling of Bucks fingers inside him.

He whimpers shakily, grabbing at Bucks wrist.

"Fuck.. Oh my God." He whispers, hips grinding down on the fingers inside him. Eddie grins and pulls Max to kiss him again. Eddie kisses him like he wants ri devour him. Teeth nibbling over his bottom lip, tongue fucking into his mouth. Eddie has his hand on his jaw, almost on his neck. When Eddie pulls away from the kiss, Max grabs his hand and moves it to his neck.

Buck chuckles at the sight, slowly adding a third finger. "You feeling okay?" Eddie asks, gently squeezing Max's neck. Max whimpers slightly at the stretch, squeezing Buck's wrist and his free hand still holding onto Eddie's arm.

"I'm okay." Max whispers, relaxing at the soft kisses from Buck on his shoulder. "I need more." Max whispers quietly, jerking when Bucks thumb strokes over the sensitive part of him. Buck grins and takes his fingers out, carefully rubbing over the sensitive nub, making Max arch into his hand. Eddie squeezes his neck, listening to Max moan shakily, Buck edging him close to an orgasm and taking his hand away.

"Fuck!" Max cries out, whining as he came down from the high he almost reached. Buck chuckles and turns Max around in his lap, back arched up facing Eddie. Max growls softly at Buck, who nips his neck and strokes a hand down his chest. Eddie slowly edges on the bed, lining up with his entrance, and carefully thrusting inside.

Max arches and gasps shakily, Bucks hand squeezing his neck firmly.

"Such a good boy.. Fuck your so good for us baby." Eddie growls firmly, thrusting a bit further inside. Max feels his brain melt into goo, body melting, thoughts fizzing out as he relaxes into the motions. Eddie was careful to have him adjust, Buck shifting back so Max could take him in his mouth.

Eddie didn't thrust roughly, just rolling his hips firmly and touching over his body, gripping his hips hard enough to make bruises, Max between them, taking what he's given, thighs trembling from each thrust. When Eddie's thrusts get harder, and his hand slips back between his legs, Max takes all of Buck into his mouth and loses it all.

Body trembling through his orgasm, Eddie thrusts only a few more times and pulls out in time. Buck tugs once on Max's hair as warning, before he releases inside his mouth. He's thighs shake softly and he arches a little bit, and moans in pleasure. Max takes it all, swallowing it all down and rocking into Eddie's hand.

The room is full of heavy breathing, everyone trying to keep touching the other person, sweaty and exhausted.

A calm settled over them, and Max carefully sits up with a small wince.

"Where are my clothes? I should probably get going." Max says, voice edging back into the awkward person they know too well.

"Hey.. no. Why don't we get a shower. Your staying here tonight." Eddie says lovingly. Max shifts, but an arm around his waist pulls him back into Buck's chest where he gets a soft kiss on the head and then his lips.

"You think we would want you gone?" Buck asks, hugging tighter.

"Well.. I don't know." He says softly.

"Wanna talk about what this will mean for us tomorrow?" Eddie asks lovingly, kissing Max softly. He nods and Buck picks him up to take him to the shower.

"I can walk ya known." Max protests.

"Not when we're here you can't."

[stardew-imagines-me]

That was quite fast, I hope this settles down. But I do like to ask something last minute, so here it goes! Can I ask something for Alex, or someone else if you prefer. Maybe him finally feeling like he is nothing like his father, and seeing his s/o and his kid(s) as proof of his realization? Hope you take it easy! :D

This is really long but jiodwoiehdiowe I loved this prompt so much!!

It took a long time to get to this point; Alex being able to watch his family run around the farm, dodging large spurts of water that whipped from the hose that you had grasped between your hands, yelling loudly at your children who clutched at their sides laughing. Teenagers, children. Sometimes he’d lay awake at night just thinking about the events of his life, thinking about how much further he had gotten than his father ever did.

He’s had these realizations many times before, but each one different from the last. His first was when you two had just gotten back from a long day of tending to the animals, pulling crops and catching fish in preparations of expanding your home. Alex hadn’t questioned the idea, even if he did, it was your home after all and he was just grateful you let him live with you - he knew you’d scorn him lightly and pout if you knew he still had thoughts like these.

Confidence, something he knows all too well and yet, still lacks the correct amount. Confidence you slowly helped him build in himself, the right kind.

That night, you had flung yourself over his side on the bed, freshly showered and dripping. He laughed and tried pushing you off of him when you would shove your sopping wet hair into the back of his neck - truth be told, it was something so small and domestic that left Alex aching for more affection, more love to receive and give.

Eventually, you settle down next to him, his arm wrapped around the side of your waist and pulling half of your body under his so you two could shield the cold of nightfall. He was nodding off to sleep when you suddenly blurted only thing that had been on your mind for months.

“Let’s have kids,”

You swore you’ve never seen Alex so panicked and shocked before, and it took everything inside of you to not flinch when he reeled back from your touch. It hurt, was there some misconceptions? Maybe this really was all too sudden..

“What..?” He asked quietly. You knew not to take it personally, but you couldn’t mask the disappoint you felt. 

“I.. Alex, I want to have kids with you,”

He looked somewhat troubled as you two laid there, staring at each other. “Sorry, this is so sudden - I wasn’t sure.. I didn’t… I’m sorry. It’s just, I see you around Vincent and Jas and you always look so happy, and since we’ve been married for nearly two years now, that, god I don’t know,” You’re rambling tirelessly, averting your eyes as you sit up and face him.

“Are we not ready?” He hates how sad you look, he never wants to make you sad but honestly, he’s terrified right now. He sighs and brings himself up as well, resting a hand on your thigh and looking up at you with as much vulnerability as he can.

“It’s not that we aren’t ready, I really do love children, I always have. And I love you,” His hand clenches slightly as he thinks about his words, “But I don’t know if I’ll be able to be a good dad. Mine was never around, he left when I was young, you know this, and what if -” He’s cringing at his own words.

It’s odd seeing someone so strong, so beautiful shrink into themselves. You wish you could kiss it away, you wish you could tell him he doesn’t have to explain but he does need this, it’s something that’s hard for him to talk about on his own.

“I want so badly to have children, I want to see you holding our kids and I want to complain about how hard it is to raise them. I want to teach my daughter how to play gridball and my son how to read.. I can’t promise you I won’t be like him though, I can’t even promise myself,”

Together you cried and talked about the future, reassuring that everything would be alright and he would never be like his father. Going to bed well past midnight was worth it since you watched the worry dissipate in his eyes. This wouldn’t be the first talk, and you were ready for that. It’s a long road towards healing, the least you could do was whisper gently and circle your thumb against his cheek as he fell asleep beside you.

-

The second time was when he held his daughter tight against his chest after a long night of laying down, getting up, feeding, rocking, laying down and repeating. It had gotten to the point where you got up against your better judgment and helped him put your daughter to sleep. Alex was sat in the nursery’s chair, just staring down at his precious daughter in his arms when he finally looked up when you had cupped the side of his face and kissed his temple.

“She loves you so much,” you mumble tiredly against his head. He realizes he’s crying when you wipe off the bottom of his chin with your sleeve. He does his best to muffle the exhausted, overwhelmed sob that starts to rip and tear roughly against his chest. He’s so in love with his tiny family, that was one thing his father didn’t learn.

“Oh, my baby,” you soothed softly, letting him cry quietly while your daughter slept in his arms. Maybe he might be a good dad someday, he was already doing better than his own, but that hadn’t stomped all the fear time in its entirety.

“Let’s have another,” You watched in hushed laughter as Alex cried harder, letting out wet laughter and lazy nods. His tiny family was going to grow at this rate if they had more nights like these.

-

One after another, days passed swiftly and he found himself caught in the events of every day life. His little daughter became a big sister in no time, a baby brother of her own to care after and soon to be a baby girl to follow right after him. You had a good laugh with Eveyln and George as Alex looked absolutely beat at the talk of a fourth child. Perhaps that would be a good pillow talk topic, but right now as your three children played in the yard with Sam’s kids, he was satisfied with where he was in the present.

His insecurities seemed to be put on the back burner as he helped his eldest daughter put on her backpack for the start of preschool and helped both his other kids into their highchairs for a quick breakfast. When they did reappear out of the blue, they were stomped back down when his baby boy would call his “daddy” over just so he could help him draw pictures. The pride he felt hearing his children call him daddy was immense and endless.

His confidence as a father grew with his children. His youngest daughter was co-president of book club in their 5th grade class with Elliot’s son and although he himself wasn’t the best at reading, he would always help her learn new words or phrases.

His eldest daughter was loud and energetic, taking after himself in every way possible. He beamed when she would explain how her coach scouted her out for the high school gridball team, explaining how she would most certainly be one of the most gifted in her team. He might’ve cried a bit that night when you had cuddled up next to him. 

“She said I was the best dad,”

His son made him just as proud as his daughters. He was very interested in art, and best friend’s with Leah’s daughter who was another gifted child in their middle school. He had watched his little boy scribble trees onto blue craft paper grow into (still) his little boy who had won art competitions with his paintings at such a young age. His children were one of the things that kept him working, moving and experiencing.

-

“Thank you,” Alex whispered against your bare neck, ignoring the dripping water from your hair that drenched the collar of his shirt. Ironic considering this was the exact situation that got you two into this in the first place.

“Hmm? For what?” You ask, turning around from under him and wrapping your arms around his neck. 

“Thank you for granting me three beautiful children and keeping me strong,” It was a short sentence, only lasting so many words but the meaning behind each and every one of them was sincere. It took years to get here, but he was finally able to admit that he would never end up like his father. 

“I love you so much,” He whispered against your lips and kissed you passionately. It took years, but he found love that he never expected and a life that he never experienced himself when he was younger - a life that he used to be scared of.

It took a long time, but he’s no longer afraid; he’s proud of you, of your children and how far he made it even when his father doubted every fiber of his being. Maybe, just maybe, he had always known he would be more of a man than his father ever had been.

[lovebanqtan]

Kim Seokjin As A BoyFriend

a/n= a little bit of angst, discussion of sex, and BDSM. also, I hate writing in 3rd person please forgive me if this is bad.

- You rely on each other very much.

- You never really know how much he relies on you until either, until its one of those days where Hobi be giving out that hard ass choreography, and as your standing in the corner of the dance studio, watching your loving boyfriend giving it his all and still not getting it

-You feel heartbroken.

-Hobi is being relentless on him, and finally, you snap. Even seeing poor little Jungkook breathless. 

-”Break Hobi. You got everyone worn out. Not everyone has as much stamina.” You sigh, walking up to a sulking Jin. 

-”I just don’t see what I’m doing wrong, I’m doing exactly what he’s doing and I’m getting different results.” He sighs. Pressing his sweaty body into your shoulder. 

“You are doing just fine from what I saw. Just give it 10% more and I bet you’d be perfect.” You quote him from when you were stressing over exams. Causing him to choke on his water. 

-And that's exactly what he does. Gives it 10% more and before you know it, Hoseok is jumping up and down giddy at how good practice went. Jin with his arm slung around your shoulder walking out of the studio with the rest of the boys. Each going their separate ways. 

-Besides relying on each other, he is very comforting. Even when you were still best friends. Like the time when your dog, Sammy ran away and you saw it got hit by a car, after halfway eating your weight in ice cream, you decided to call Jin. 

-He didn’t even say anything, he showed up half an hour later at the door with your favorites and a movie in hand. He understood you so well and just let you cry it out while he just talked about his day.

-You might be thinking.”Talked about his day?” Isn't that selfish?

-No. It helped because it distracted.

-”Ahh. Today, I cooked this delicious ramen, and I sat it on the table right to get a drink. And when I came back it was gone? So like what the hell? Who stole my ramen right?” 

-He made you laugh eventually.

-And when he has bad days good lord be prepared. You will have to make him talk to you. 

-”Babe, please tell me what's wrong..” I plead.

-”I swear its nothing.” he keeps scrolling through his phone, reflection of words in his eyes. 

-Okay if its nothing then why you look like you going to cry.

-”Fine then. You won’t talk to me, I won’t talk to you either.” I stand up and head toward the bedroom. 

-Packing your stuff for the night, you packed them in a drawstring bag and dragged it to the guest room. 

-”You can have the bedroom. I’ll be sleeping in the guest room till you tell me what's wrong.” I smile evilly.

- He sighs and pats the cushion next to him. Telling you everything in his day, and apparently, none of you had a good day. Which led you both to feeling bad for each other, so he cuddled you until his arms were numb.

-Also did someone says romantic?

-Kim Seokjin is the definition of romantic in your book.

-You hurt or sick? He carries you to where you need to go and makes your favorite food from your childhood.

“KIM SEOKJIN I SWEAR TO GOD PUT ME DOWN!” You screamed, waking up the whole dorm.

-You're depressed? He will cuddle you and watch Disney movies. And will totally help you eat that gallon of ice cream so you don’t feel the guilt in the hour. He’ll play with your hair, and if you go out and see anything, literally anything you want to the extremities of a tiger. He will buy it just to make you feel better. 

-You're insecure? He will make it his last dying wish to make it what you're most confident about.

-”Baby your so beautiful, I don’t know what you're talking about.” He whispered kissing your head.

-”You don’t see it? You're crazy then because all your fans do, and the people on the street do, and I don’t know why you like me.” You sobbed into his chest before turning and lying on your back. Basically choking on your cries.

-“The only one crazy here is you for listening to them, who you calling crazy. They are just jealous of you. You really think someone like me would date someone ugly.” He laughed but hearing your silence worried him. “Baby. You're beautiful, please listen.” He turned you so you would face him, and the tears streaming down your face made him want to cry too.

Wrapping his arms around your waist and pressing you against his chest. “Please believe me when I tell you you're beautiful.”

- He loves you for you and would never want you to change.

-He would probably ask to go shopping with you a lot, or just go buy himself and buy you stuff. Like, let's say your favorite artist just came out with a fragrance line. Boom! You get new jewelry every week, and honestly, you don’t know why because you only wear it to his award shows.

-The public knows about you because of you. You walked in on him filming an EatJin! which was normal behavior. Except instead of saying “hey bestie!” you said “babe can I have a bite-” and Jin was the definition of the dead inside as his views passed 30 million and all the comments were talking about you.

-But we haven’t answered the question yet...

-How is the boy in bed? 

-half of you guys just choked I know

- but for real big dick line rise up

- Jin is a major switch. So that works out most of the time.

-He can go from a major pain in the ass dom to an obedient sub.

-But when he’s a dom, he’s not that kinky on any given day, but on the 1/7 day, god bless your soul.

-Like he has a chest under your bed, just for when he’s like this. In this chest is, a bunch of silk ties (got to be gentle with your skin because now the world sees you too), blindfolds, (more specifically for him, you had brought it up and he nearly choked. but once you tried it using one of his ties, he came so quick, without you even touching him properly) a vibrator, (mostly used for your punishments?? but was given as a rewards once or twice you remember). There's more in there, you know that but you haven’t used it yet.

-On the days he’s not a BDSM master, he’s a giver in the bedroom. What I mean by this is

-Before you go to bed you have to have cum at least twice, with his fingers or his tongue and you're mad about that because he won’t let you touch him until morning. But it doesn’t mean you’ll tell him to stop. 

-If he’s hella tired after a long day at the dance studio, or recording. Or he just got back from tour. He’ll use the vibrator but make you cum five times, and you just lay there moaning with a fucked out look on your face, twitching from overstim. But even if he’s tired he’ll still take away, 

-you don’t even bring it up to him. Just laying in bed, invested in your poetry book Namjoon recommended to you. Suddenly a warm hand snakes up your thigh, and warm lips pressed to your neck. 

-How does this boy feel about PDA? 

-Now that it's like known to the world that he’s yours, and you are his. He doesn’t mind. He’ll want you to flex his hickeys to be all over Soompi. And he’ll flex his back scratches, wearing a see-through button up in his next interview. 

-Purposely turning around to ask Jungkook a question, and when the Interviewer asks what they are with a shocked as fuck look on her face. He’d blush and look at you flexing your hickeys behind the camera. And suddenly he’d gain the confidence and say. “My girl gave them to me.” And he’d smile confidently, as the interviewer looked horrified.

- He’s not afraid to kiss you in public, in fact, he asked you out in an amusement park as you were clinging to death on his arm on the Ferris wheel, and his asshole self kept rocking the bench. You cussed him out then and there.

-Smiling at your cuteness, he pulled down his mask and kissed your cold nose, in the winter air. “You're so cute, I honestly think your the only one compatible to date me.” He laughed before pulling up his mask. You were shocked and confused. You questioned your hearing. 

-It shocked you so much that you lost your grip on his arm and he continued to shake the bench causing you to call him an asshole and proceeded to grip onto his arm, until the end of the ride that he made you get on.

- After getting on the ride, you both stop at a place. That has a giant red neon sign.

“C-Co. Coco-Cola. See I’m getting nearly as good as Namjoon!” He laughs his classic windshield wiper laugh.

- Sitting down inside the warm cafe, you look him in the eye. Trying to decipher him. Was he joking? Was he lying?

-”Jin?” You ask cautiously, taking a sip of your iced coffee.

- “Yes?” Turning to you, he smiles. He has one straw in his mouth, sipping a cherry cola. 

-Before you answer, you think back. Jin is not the player type. In fact, since you in 5th grade, he’s dated, 4 girls. They either broke up with him because he refused to have sex in 7th grade with a girl who most likely had an std at that point. (good choice jin) Or he broke up with them because he lost feelings.

-You can’t really blame him. But what if he was just joking and you end up embarrassing yourself?

-”You gonna ask or keep staring at me?” he laughs again. The food has come now, my favorite American food. 

-”My bad. It's just, I can’t tell if you were being serious or not earlier, and I didn’t want to get my feelings hurt.” You turn away your face red with embarrassment.

-Suddenly he bursts out laughing in that classical windshield wiper laugh.

-“Oh my god, you're so oblivious!” He cries out between laughs, the restaurant looking at him, as he just yelled out Korean. 

-“What?” I ask.

-“When I lost feelings for Aemin, I caught feelings for you, and I thought I had been hinting all this time, especially on the Ferris wheel, but you are so dense!” He laughs hitting his knees.

-I start to laugh too. Realizing my best friend since 5th grade just confessed he liked me, and I have liked him since I can’t remember. And since you told him you liked him too. You started to be inseparable. But especially when he asked you to date him, and you started to cry happy tears. 

-You haven’t been separated since.

[spn-fic-promts]

Like a girl (5 times Dean felt like a girl + 1 time Sam praised him for it)

TW: Rape/non-con, bullying, depression, self hatred and self harm.

Dean WInchester has always had problems with his body. As with most of his problems they all started when he was 4 and his mom died. Dean had to raise his baby brother with very little help from his father. His father who could hardly look at him. And all because Dean looked too much like a girl. Too much like his mom.

The kids at school commented on it as well. Mostly the other boys making fun of him. He always made better friends with the girls. They loved how long his eyelashes are or how pretty his eyes and freckles were. Meanwhile the boys would call him a girl and tell him he couldn’t do things. When he got older that turned into making him use the girls bathrooms and locker rooms. Or calling him names and saying he was gay.

And at home he had to act like a girl. Well a mom at least. He knew he had to take care of Sammy no matter what. Whether Sam realized it or not. If that meant feeding Sammy and not himself, Dean stayed skinny. If that meant buying Sammy new clothes and not himself, Dean wore Sams hand-me-downs. If that meant keeping johns drunken attention on him and not Sammy, Dean covered the bruises as best he could. If dad needed help on dangerous hunts, Dean was there not Sam. Never Sam.

He had to be the big brother, the dad, and the mom.

Like a girl.

------------------------

When he was 14 his father came home one day drunk. Dean had just finished putting Sammy to bed and was doing the dishes. His father came home to see him acting like a stay at home mom and mistook him for his dead wife. John stumbled over to Dean and wrapped his arms around his waist. His hands nearly connecting over Deans belly.

“Whatta ya doin’ babe?” John slurred in Deans ear.

Dean froze, “I’m doing the dishes dad. Are you ok?”

“Oohho yeah baby I’m fine. Especially now I get to play daddy again. Huh” John roughly turned Dean around in his arms and shoved his head into Deans neck.

“Ah! Dad!! Your drunk. You need to go to bed!” Dean gasped as his father sucked on his neck.

“Mhm yeah lets get to bed sweatheart.” John scooped Dean up bridal style as if he weighed nothing, and started stomping towards the bedroom of the motel. 

“No, no! Dad Sammy’s in here. You can’t!” Dean wriggled in Johns grasp.

John actually stopped and looked as if he was contemplating something. He turned around and started back. Dean let out a sigh of relief. Then John spoke up about what was on his mind. “It’s a good thing I got a room with a seperate room with a couch.

“No!” He screamed.

Like a girl

---------------------

In the morning John didn’t remember anything. Dean remembered it all. That week John left for another hunt and didn’t leave enough money. Sam needed new textbooks for 6th grade (after skipping 5th.) He was already bigger than Dean and would need more clothes. And Dean still had to feed him.

So Dean decided to use his femininity to his advantage. After Sammy would go to sleep Dean would lock all the doors and go to the nearest gas station in the skimpiest clothes he could find. 

Like a girl.

----------------------

Dean dropped out of school in 10th grade. While Sam skipped another year in 7th grade. Jumping straight to highschool at 12. It was hard to keep Sam in school while they moved around for hunts. But Dean made sure he went as much as possible. And taught him as much as he could on his own.

Dean had to go away on hunts more and more with their father. Leaving Sammy to fend for himself. Dean got in more and more trouble by leaving Sam extra money. He was constantly getting hurt by the monsters and told to man up.

Even the monsters commented on how girly he looked. So he decided to start trying to be more boyish. Taking girls out, working out more, being more reckless, and acting more ‘manly.’

Sammy eventually graduated and went away to Stanford. Dean was happy for him but was convinced that his brother simply didn’t want to be around him anymore. And Dean couldn’t blame him. He didn’t want to be around himself either. This was the point when Dean hit rock bottom. He started carving words into his thighs. Words like pretty, and girl. He cried in the bathroom while bleeding from between his legs.

Like a girl.

--------------------------

The first time Sam kissed him Dean panicked. They were in a motel in Texas on a hunt. Sam was currently soulless. And Dean was taking advantage of him. Yeah. Dean was taking advantage of the big, strong, muscly, man that he lived with.

Like a girl.

------------------------

“Dean” Sam called for his brother through the bunker.

“Yeah Sammy I’m just getting out of the shower!” Dean called back. Sam started his way to ambush Dean in the bathroom.

Yeah Sam was sorta horny for his big brother. And he knew Dean felt the same way. They had kissed and made out a lot since the first time when he was soulless. Sam also knew he had forced himself on Dean. Luckily Dean had run away before Sam could do more.

But since then their relationship had progressed. They held hands while not in public. Hugged while relaxing (”It’s called cuddling Dean.” “Not with me it’s not”) They made out a lot. But Dean wouldn’t let Sam get any further than that.

Sam knew about Deans self esteem problems. He knew that’s why Dean acted all macho like he did. Sam hated that. Hated that Dean covered himself up like that. Forced himself to be something Sam knew he wasn’t. Sam just wanted him to be himself. Just wanted his brother.

So Sam didn’t know exactly what sort of messed up blame he put on himself that’s making him not want Sam to have sex with him but Sam plans on fixing it tonight.

Sam quietly crept into the bathroom Dean was in. His brother was looking in the mirror and holding a towel around his hips. Sam crept up behind him and snuck his arms around Deans waiste. Still so small but with rock solid abs.

“S-Sammy? What are ya doin’?” Dean whispered as Sam inhaled his body wash.

“Just admiring my beautiful big brother. I wish I knew why you won’t let me touch you Dean. It’s all I can do to hold myself back.” Sam purred in Deans ear.

“No Sam you don’t want that. You don’t want that at all.” Dean grimaced at himself in the mirror.

“Why not Dean. Why would anyone not want you? Perfect. You so perfect Dean. So much smaller than me but still so strong. I love it Dean. I love your body. And anyone in their right mind would to if they saw it.” Sam met Deans eyes in the mirror.

Dean held his gaze and whispered “are you calling me crazy?”

Sam withdrawed his hands, shocked. “What- Dean-But-You-How?-Why?”

“Very articulate little brother.” Dean chuckled. Then he turned in Sams loosened hold and sighed. “If we’re really gonna do this then theirs some things I need to tell you.”

“Yeah Dean whatever you want. I’m listening.” Sam complied as Dean sat on the edge of a bathtub. Sam following suit.

“Remember when we were little and dad would always say I looked like mom?” Dean explained everything that had ever happened to him because of his looks. Explained what their dad did, the kids at school, men on the streets who paid him to do things he didn’t want to. He told him he’d been depressed after he left. That he had contemplates suicide. But he left out the words on his legs. Figuring Sam would see them for himself.

“Oh my god. Dean I’m so sorry.” Sam has pulled Dean into his lap. Held him tightly while they both cried.

“It’s not your fault. It was never your fault. Any of it.” Dean whispered.

“But I could have stopped so much of it if I’d just payed more attention. If I’d jumped out of my own little world for just one minute I could have prevented some of your suffering.” Sam sobbed into Deans shoulder.

“That wasn’t your responsibility-“

“And it wasn’t yours to sell your body to keep me fed!” Sam inturupts him. “Dean I used to beg you for more stuff. And you always got them for me. And I never realized that you were starving yourself to get them! I didn’t even need half the things I asked for! I was just being selfish!”

“It’s ok Sammy. Shh it’s ok.” Dean rubs gentle circles into Sams head while he holds him.

“I should be comforting you.” Sam states wettly.

“It’s ok. Hey hey look at me.” Dean pulls Sams face out of his neck. “I don’t know if you still want to but if you do. We can have sex now. I understand if after what I told you you’d be dis-“

“Of course I still want to Dean! God is that why you were hiding. You thought I’d be turned off by what you’ve been through. Dean I meant what I said earlier. Your beautiful! And perfect! And everything I’ve ever wanted. I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to realize it.” Sam stands up abruptly, causing Dean to wrap his legs around Sams waiste. “I wish I could have taken your virginity before dad did.” Sam says between kisses.

“Oh my god! Sam! Don’t say that!” Dean laughs.

“Why not?”

“1 ew don’t mention dad. 2 you were ten!” Dean says matter of factly.

“So? I was a horny ten year old. And I was already bigger than you.” He chuckles and Dean smacks him on the side of the head.

They get to the bedroom and Sam literally throws Dean on the bed. Dean bounces a few times as his towel starts to slip from his hips.

Sam makes a move to pull it the rest of the way off but Dean stops him. “Nuh uh. You first big guy. I don’t know if you’ve realized but I’m practically naked and your still fully clothed.”

Sam hastily rips off his clothes and throws them around the room while dean sits back to admire the view.

“Better?” Sam smirks cockily.

“Much.” Dean holds out his arms for Sam to fall into.

“Your.” Kiss to the jaw. “So.” Kiss to the neck. “Fucking.” One to each nipple. “Pretty.” One to the belly button.

Dean freezes on the last word. “What’s the matter?” Sam looks up at Dean worriedly.

“See for yourself.” Dean pulls the towel off himself and spreads his legs. Sam instinctively slots himself between them before kissing the tip of Deans cock.

“Dean are these?”

“Yeah.”

“Your not a girl. Your the most fucking perfect guy I’ve ever met.” Sam kisses the word.

“Your not my mom. Your my big brother. Your my whole world.” Sam kisses the word mom next.

“Your not a slut. Your the most selfless person I’ve ever met. And you have the most attractive body I’ve ever seen.” Sam kisses that word.

“And your not just pretty. Your beautiful. And I’ll never stop telling you just how beautiful and pressious you are.” Sam holds up Deans leg. The muscle twitching in his palm. And kisses the word.

When Sam crawls back up to see Deans face, he finds his brother covering his mouth behind his palm. Silent tears spilling from love filled eyes.

“I love you so much Dean. More than anything.” Sam whispers as he finally kisses Deans perfect, plump lips.

“I love you to Sammy.”

[darktributary]

Love Story 1

kelsy

The last day of 5th grade I asked Cody McDonald to ask Kelsy Mygrant to be my girlfriend. She was cute, and super sweet. She wanted me to ask her myself, hahaha. I liked her. I called once at least over the summer, i believe i called one parent, and they told me to call the other parent which i did. i remember sitting on the floor of my room at Hauenstein apartments talking to her on the phone. 6th grade came and i didn’t have an ounce of knowledge of what it meant to be a boyfriend. i didn’t even talk to her, i couldn’t build up the nerve. how could i? she dated braydin. he got me kicked out of cross country because of our kelsy related dislike for each other, lol. i punched chad champion in the face when i heard he cheated on kelsy. he punched & indian burned my arm. worth it. kelsy was a fairy tale all throughout middle and high school. one of the girls that not a single person could say they didn’t want to be with or like, the beautiful, lovely, prestigious, down to earth, kind, empathetic, never would i ever give you up if i had you type. the type that you knew would make something of herself while also making something of you if she chooses. held in the highest regard among all.

JUNIOR YEAR was a dream come true. english with you. remember at the beginning of the year when i had allllll those hickeys on my neck from fucking lindsey. you n mikhala made fun of me while sitting at a table in the library across from me. i can’t even fathom how you could look at me and think i’m cute after that. it wasn’t until near the end of the year when i realized that you weren’t just a figment of my imagination. valentine’s day maybe. you weren’t the royal who could never be touched but could, maybe, possibly be my love story. words can’t describe how happy you made me then. staying up all night on my floor, seeing you get out of the car at HU’s bball court, calling on you to take care of my bad-tripping ass. i cherish these times more than anything. i tried as hard as i possibly could to be “cool” and to let you do your thing. i didn’t want to scare you away but i was falling down the longest staircase of you. you did keep me at a distance. i picked up on that and i reciprocated 😔. i tried to keep things going but i couldn’t keep up the effort alone.

SPRING BREAK senior year

when everything came rushing back. such strong feelings. i couldn’t help myself. i was drowning and you saved me. i owed you my love, but i couldn’t give it all to you. i wanted to give you everything, i knew i couldn’t but i did what i could to keep you there. i knew that you were forever and that emma wasn’t. kelsy was perfect in every way i could imagine, but for some reason my heart still hurt more for emma at the time. that feeling of love mixed with pain, it’s depth. it pulled me in the wrong direction. i couldn’t get myself to let either of you go for quite some time. back & forth, back & forth i went. finally after almost killing myself at the beginning of COLLEGE, i always knew that kelsy was 10000x better for me, i chose. i couldn’t tell you why it still wasn’t enough. i kept a keepsafe/photo vault with a handful of pictures of emma and i, a nude or two, and a few pictures of girls i screenshotted from twitter/instagram. your perfection made me do everything i possibly could to hide my bad sides. i lied and told the half-truth so many times involving that story because i couldn’t face the truth, that i had pictures of other girls on my phone that i was hiding from you. i have this dark side of me that i could never ever tell you of, and you nearly found it. i was never straight up completely honest about that, i’m sorry.

that little blonde girl from the tower... she made me very nervous whenever i saw her because i had thoughts of cheating with her. i didn’t. we sat on the 2nd floor of the tower and talked for a bit, flirted a little bit, i did not mention having a girlfriend, and i did tell her which dorm i lived in. she slid her number under my door and i threw it away. you were out of town for a funeral. i pushed the limit and i lied about it. i also danced with a girl at a halloween party that brenden and i went to. she gave me her snapchat and asked if i wanted to hang out. i don’t think i would’ve done it, but it would’ve been more difficult to say no if i hadn’t been with you in person at the time. and when we broke up, it didn’t take me longer than two days to go back to emma. i was desperate for love attention & affection. in come summer.

mother’s day. i slept with two women. i loved them both. there was no malicious intent. i wanted to be with one, and i wanted to say goodbye to the other. and i’m also a disgusting pervert who had sex whenever i got the chance to. i am cruel for this. i am disgusting for this. it’s actually the worst thing i’ve ever done in my life aside from lying about it to your face multiple times. i was certain that you’d never give me another chance if you knew. i almost told you when you asked, almost a year later in the Lockfield parking lot, but i still couldn’t face it. hell i still haven’t faced it.

this was though, the very last time i ever saw Emma as more than just a friend. the fizzling out love that i felt for her had finally gone flat, but that just made it easier to never tell you the truth about that night.

we sat at the park in your truck outside of huntington on your birthday until 6:30 am. 2016. lots of crying. i don’t remember us ending things. but i do remember reuniting with a simple “do you wanna listen to music with me” - something along those lines - on our UTEC assembly line. that moment sticks out to me a lot. it felt incredible. movie like. it was sad to leave for indy. even more sad, when we reunited fall of sophomore year, i told you i hadn’t been with any girls at all. you seemed pleasantly surprised. it was true, but then i went and slept with savanna. i convinced myself that it was okay because you and i weren’t “getting back together” just yet. but when we did decide to get back together, i was all in. i was scared, and i didn’t know myself and i didn’t know how to love you the right way, but i loved you so fucking much and only you. i cut all my ties and all i wanted was to be with you. but it was too late. the damage i caused was irreversible. and ever since then i’ve been damned with hope that i could fix things.

i pushed things too far spring ‘19. i had no idea what i was doing, i had very little clue about myself, still. all i knew is that i loved you so much that there was no way it didn’t mean something. i wasn’t ready and it either pushed you away or you never felt anything in the first place. maybe you tried but realized later, & didn’t know how else to tell me. it’s all okay. i forgive you, although it doesn’t seem necessary, i don’t think you could ever hurt me enough to even things. i can only hope that you forgive me one day.

& present day, my dislike for myself stems from the way i treated you, and the things i’ve never told you. it’s difficult to see the right when i’ve done so much wrong. you are still who i think of when i remember what being in love feels like. i want that feeling back so badly. everyone is telling me to move on, to give myself a chance to be happy again. i’ve very rarely listened to anything other than my heart when it comes to love, but that gets me into trouble. i’m going to listen this time. i don’t want letting you go to be what i need to love again, but it is.

i’m sorry, for every single bit. i love you. i will always.

- River ♥️

[a-romance-with-misery]

Day 254: A New Reality (3/4/20)

If I were to sum up what has stood out to me this year, the list of things would be overwhelmingly negative in nature. Whether that’d be because of the current miserable situation I, and billions of people around the world are trapped in, or because this year has been unusually bad is up for debate... anyhow...

I have an obsession with checking the statistics surrounding SARS-Cov-2, colloquially known as “the coronavirus”. As it stands (10pm Eastern/ NY time) on April 3rd, over 1,098,000 people have tested positive for the virus and over 59,000 have died from it. China (the place of origin for the virus) now, in official records, ranks 5th behind the U.S., Italy, Spain, and Germany in that order. In terms of overall deaths, China is now 6th behind Italy, Spain, U.S., France, and the U.K.

Focusing around the U.S., there have been over 270,000 confirmed cases and over 7,000 deaths so far. The rate of increase is slowing somewhat, but not at all enough to even say exponential growth of cases and deaths is over...

My family has been limiting shopping to once per two weeks. We wore masks, brought Clorox wipes, and kept our distance from other shoppers in every store we went to. And we were not at all alone in this trend. The CDC is now recommending people in the American populace to wear basic cloth masks when outside and to keep at least 6 ft apart from each other. This, of course, has not been followed by everyone nor is it entirely feasible to be followed by everyone. New York City has unofficially become the new epicentre of the pandemic as they record thousands of new cases and hundreds of new deaths everyday.

Life has changed drastically in a short period of time for so many. Over 6.6 million Americans have become unemployed at this point. Close to 3/4 of the nation is under a stay-at-home order/ been told to shelter in place. A sniffle or a cough is greeted with glares and nervous whispering in public. This is an event which will be remembered for an entire generation...

Some days, I’m angry. Some days, I’m fatigued beyond belief. Some days, I’m gripped by sadness and find myself unable to even perform the basic function of eating. Most days, however, I am fearful. I am scared.

Looking back at past pandemics, things came to pass after a year or two. Things settled down, albeit often with thousands gone, and life often returned to normal. It may sound insane, but I can’t imagine that happening this time. This virus has caused upheaval around the globe and has stunted the world economy. Thousands are already dead, and thousands, if not millions, are predicted to die. Hell, in the U.S. alone, a tenuous prediction of 100,000-240,000 American fatalities are being predicted from this pandemic. Most of this fear comes from the fact we don’t know when this event will end. We don’t know whether this is just the very beginning of the outbreak, whether we’re already near the peak and the worst will come to pass soon, or if we’re somewhere in the middle, with the light at the end of the tunnel rapidly approaching, but not nearly fast enough. Fear of what’s to come has led to a toxic political environment (especially given this is an election year), fear has fueled the rise of conspiracy theories, fear has crippled this and so many other nations. At this point in time, however, I can only see fear when reflecting upon my future. No tomorrow is guaranteed, especially given the severe symptoms of this virus and the high chance I will eventually be infected alongside the rest of my family despite our best efforts...

On a much lighter note, I want to talk about my crushes from previous years. I’ve had an unsual amount of time to reflect on myself, and this was one subject I had never broached until recently when evaluating who I am. Even bolder, I plan on including these people’s first names, because I have nothing left to lose. My emotional state right now can be described as outwardly calm, but inwardly on fire.

Anyhow, here we begin. First, we have Jakob from 9th grade. After I had gotten out of a sort of relationship with a girl (it lasted 6 months, but she eventually realized something that I couldn’t see in myself. I didn’t actually love her, I just thought I did because I had never experienced love before at that point, or really any kind of infatuation for that matter.) I met Jakob through a mutual friend of ours. Now, my first impression of him was...strange to say the least. He seemed friendly enough, but our mutual friend pointed out to me that Jakob has taken pizza from her fridge without her permission. My first impression of this kiddo was that he was vaguely rude, but kind of handsome in a subtle way. He was 5’11” (he told me, I didn’t literally measure him), had brown hair, blue eyes, a body on the stockier side, and had a cheeky grin that I would never admit I found super cute on him. Anyhow, I later discovered he was in my world history class, leading to an actual friendship developing out of that. He’s straight as an arrow and never knew (and still doesn’t know) that I ever had a crush on him. Hell, I only realized years later after another friend of mine asked about my personal life during a walk in the woods. This crush died, however, once he told me a few things my sophomore year of high school. He told me he didn’t believe in climate change and that I wasn’t as liberal as I thought I was (Mind you, this was 2016, an election year). That last comment especially irked me at the time, ultimately crushing any feelings I had for him. To this day, however, I’m still friends with him and hang out with him with another mutual friend of ours, Willow.

We have to jump to 12th grade for my next crush. This one, I barely want to include simply because of how brief it was. In my second semester of 12th grade, I met a kid named Chandler in my calculus class. He has (and still does) a fascination with meteorology, which, at the time, was one of my hobbies as well. He was handsome, I’ll give him that, with a slight scruff, blue eyes, strong jawline, and being on the shorter side (I’m 5’7” and he was shorter than me). This infatuation lasted just a few months, and never actually got that deep. I just remember at the end of my school’s Spring Fling event (where students got out of class early, played games outside and inside, ate food, etc) I spent a significant portion of that time just sitting with Chandler and giving him all my online meteorology resources. We reviewed some of my favourite hurricanes, current (at the time) storms, etc. Plus, I felt sympathy for him as he appeared to have only a few friends at the spring fling. Almost forgot to mention, he’s very straight too. But once again, this is a crush that I’ve come to realize after the fact, so...I mean I don’t know how that makes it better that I lacked self-awareness in the moment but for some reason it feels better?

Finally, we have three different men from my first year of college: Ryan, Carter, and Noah. These, admittedly, were shallow crushes at the time which is why I’m including them together. Ryan is my roommate. Yeah, imagine the emotions that went through my head when a hot guy direct messages me on Instagram to ask me whether I have a roommate for college yet or not. After getting to know him these past several months, I can say with conviction that I now prefer him as a friend. He’s a great guy, and I’m actually rooming with him next year. But I’m comfortable with him in the current position that he has in my life: a close friend who I can rely on (for the most part 😂). He’s hot (can grow a beard, muscular, smells good, and, although I’ve lied to him that I hate it, he generates a lot of body heat, so literally hot), but he’s simply just a great guy too, who’s actually in touch with his emotions (unlike most guys I’m friends with, who tend to be stoic unless they’re really comfortable around me). Plus...he’s over 6’2 I believe, which kind of scares me. Especially at night, where I may be in my bed already and the room’s dark, but he walks in and no matter how many times I tell myself monsters don’t exist, a tall, pale figure with long arms will always look like slenderman to me.

Now, we come to Carter and Noah. I know neither of these men at all, and I mean at all. They are simply physically attractive to me. Carter was the ripped ginger who often walked down my resident hall without a shirt on. He was stunning and I can’t deny that. It didn’t help that early on, I learned he was gay. Also, he was the community manager to my resident hall’s community and was likely nice as a result of this. Or maybe he just happens to be a nice guy and hot, I don’t know some people truly are just unbelievable like that. Noah, on the other hand, I have never seen shirtless. He’s just got an attractive face that gives me military vibes. That’s...something I’m attracted to hA I just choked while writing this...

In essence, I have been attracted to 4 straight guys and 1 gay guy in my life...what a story...

END day 254

No editing, just posting :/

[wherever-i-look-blog]

Who said you need fancy animation and an Oscar bait kind of story to make something as tear-inducing as Hey Arnold: The Jungle Movie?

Director(s) Stu Livingston and Raymie Muzquiz Writer(s) Craig Bartlett, Joe Purdy, Laura Sreebny, and Justin Charlebois

Summary

It has been almost 10 years since Arnold has seen his parents and the longing for them is beginning to haunt his dreams. Making Mr. Simmons bringing up a possible class trip to the place they disappeared, San Lorenzo, almost like a sign from God. However, there ends up nothing being holy about the contest they had to win to get there. If only because it was orchestrated by Lasombra, a local thief of ancient treasures who vies for the Corazyn [Spelling is based off subtitles] – the treasure of the green-eyed people.

But, in order to get this treasure Arnold’s parents, Stella and Miles, have kept out of his hands, he must use Arnold to get what he wants. Which, between keeping his friends as prisoners and tricking Arnold repeatedly, it seems he’ll do whatever it takes to get what he wants. For the Corazyn is his white whale.

Other Noteworthy Facts & Moments

Arnold was in 5th grade and is in 6th grade at the end of the movie.

Question(s) Left Unanswered

So what causes the sleeping curse?

What caused Mr. Simmons to go nuts and then return to normal? Also, is he gay or just has a male roommate? Could it maybe be that his brother was the one who dropped him off at the airport?

Are we really supposed to believe Abner, in less than 48 hours, was able to hitchhike all the way home to convey to grandma and grandpa Arnold was in trouble? I get this is a cartoon so you have to forget about realism but it still called for a raised eyebrow. Much less TSA not picking up a pig on an airplane.

What exactly caused the explosion in Lasombra’s prison camp?

How were the green-eyed children keeping themselves, and everyone else, alive?

Highlights

Roll Call

Going by Wikipedia, it has been 13 years since new episodes of Hey Arnold! have been produced. With that in mind, it isn’t hard to believe a lot of old fans may not remember who is who. Thankfully though, nearly everyone’s name was said repeatedly and we got enough reminders of the person’s unique characteristics to flare up old memories. Especially with the video package Helga, Gerald, and Phoebe made so the class could go to San Lorenzo. It made returning to these characters after 13 years much easier.

It Becomes a Very Emotional Story

Despite the aforementioned gap some of us may have between watching the show and viewing the movie, you pick up on the relationships, problematic or loving, quickly. Whether it is the relationships Arnold has with his grandparents or Gerald; Helga’s with her parents or sister, alongside Phoebe; and of course there are the romantic ones like Phoebe and Gerald and also Helga with Arnold. But where the emotional bits of the story come from has nothing really to deal with established characters. It is Arnold’s search for Stella and Miles.

Something he has been dreaming about and it seems as Arnold is approaching his teen years, it has left him with this huge gap in his chest. Making the moment when he finds his parents tear-inducing and especially when he finds a way to wake them up. I mean, call it corny, but their first words being “Hey Arnold” turned the waterworks on for me. And then with it seeming like that was a dream?! And when he saw them he touched them to see if they weren’t there like in the dream he had in the beginning of the movie? Oh, those scenes messed with my heart in ways I don’t think were kind to viewers.

The Movie Pushes You To Want The Series To Be Revived, If But For A Season or at Least One More Movie

With so many shows from the 00s and 90s being revived, the idea of Hey Arnold! coming back from the dead doesn’t sound horrible. Especially with the characters now entering middle school and Arnold’s parents in his life. And, granted, this could just be the nostalgia talking. But I would like to see the two sides of Helga meld into someone who seems deserving of Arnold’s love. Also, I would absolutely love to see Phoebe and Gerald have a full fledged relationship. Much less, see Stella and Miles as a couple, them bond with gramps and grandma, be parents to Arnold, and maybe even extend that to Helga. Giving her the chance to know what it is like to have loving parents.

On The Fence

A Grand Gesture To Make Up For All The Malice & Lasombra

The problem of a lot of shows having sequels or reviving when you get older is now you have more skepticism and question things. Also, you expect more. So with us not learning why Lasombra wanted the Corazyn, past money, it kind of made him an eye roll inducing villain. For now, you want to hear about him being impoverished and him selling local artifacts he how he got out of poverty. Or else some superiority thing where he believed the works of the people should be in museums rather than with savages. Maybe even, because of how bad the economy is, making places like where the Green Eyed People live become a tourist attraction. All of which I won’t pretend sound a bit eye-roll worthy, but it is the lack of a good enough motivation that it would have you threaten multiple children’s lives which bugs me.

But the other issue is Helga follows the usual grand romantic gesture formula to make up for the jerk she has been. And while you gotta admit, her helping Arnold find his parents probably tops anything you ever saw before, live action or animated, it doesn’t necessarily erase years of cruelty and how low-key creepy Helga is. I mean, her having a shrine to Arnold already was side-eye worthy but years worth of tapes? At that point, it went beyond elementary crush you could understand, especially considering her home life, to something that made you want to scream to Arnold that he was in danger!

For yeah, she is happy now that they are together, but can you imagine how bad that relationship will become now that she has what she wants? Especially if Arnold decides to make excuses for her and stays with her for years? And I know, while Nick is a bit more PG-13 than other networks which cater to the 18 and below market, they may not address Helga being possessive and some form of abusive. However, there have been articles written in depth why Helga and Arnold would make a terrible couple for years. So while this may give her a happy ending, it seems like a means to balance out Arnold after getting his grandest wish to come true.

Phoebe and Gerald

Am I the only one who wanted more out of these two? Gerald has been Arnold’s ride or die for years and I just wanted to see him really have more than just a moment with Phoebe. Maybe it is because Gerald is one of the handful of classic Black animated characters, of which I loved growing up. But, either way, I kind of feel like him and Phoebe got the short end of the stick.

Overall: Positive (Watch This)

Hey Arnold! The Jungle Movie fulfills your nostalgic desires by bringing nearly the whole gang back together and giving us a sense of closure. Yet, at the same time, it brings up so many new avenues for the show to go down that it makes you hope between another movie, a mini-series styled revival, or just an outright full season order, it would really come back. Which, if you go by this article in the Independent [External], from 2015, it could be possible. Till then, enjoy what Hey Arnold! The Jungle Movie gives us and keep your fingers crossed for something new in the future.

Stream or Buy: Here [External]

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#HeyArnoldTheJungleMovie - Recap/ Review (with Spoilers) Who said you need fancy animation and an Oscar bait kind of story to make something as tear-inducing as…

[my-ownbestfriend]

10-29-2019 (1)

I'm leaving for California in a day.

Three days ago I tripped on LSD.

It was the first time in I believe 5 years. (This is one I'm not the most excited to tell Maddie.) I had a great time, I remembered why I used to fry my brain multiple times a week off the shit. It was only bad then because of the stimulants I'd use to stay awake in-between doses. My hallcuinations lasted a year after no use.

It makes the genius parts of my brain more easy to access. It was Tiara's birthday, a friend of 8 years. I'd pulled two massive shifts beforehand and nearly bailed, but had the feeling that a lot of other people were doing the same. I wanted to show up for her, so I did. I stopped Downtown before heading over South, picking up a case of Corona and limes at Target as a housewarming gift. When I arrived Tiara was fussing over her make-up and halloween blood, yelling at her boyfriend Brian to take a shower. We drank, listened to music, and waited for her other friends to show up before taking off.

Before leaving I was offered X, and/or acid. I thought to myself "I can half dose a sheet of acid and be fine by the morning." it's not as if it was my first rodeo. It had just been a while. They told me it was liquid form. I was handed it on a sour patch kid which I only ate half of in the first 30 minutes. I ate the rest before we left. It kicked in during the car ride there. And so did my suspicions. Brian had made a comment earlier about how simply, he was gonna bone Tiara that night. He was getting her warmed up in the back seat. She was in the middle, I was to her right, Brian to her left with his hand underneath her. He was also touching my thigh at the same time, not sure if he meant to, it was dark in there. I'd be in the middle of talking to Tiara and then suddenly she'd be distracted by him playing with her pussy. It was hot honestly. I was turned on. I didn't even mind. My acid just had me in love with the moment. It was her birthday, go her. The lights Downtown gave me something else to focus on.

When we got there it didn't take long for me to remember why I can't stand Skyway Theatre. As I said previously, it's something my people should have otugrown by now. Granted we were there earlier than normal, I couldn't help but grumble to mysef about how lame I thought it was. I still nodded my head to the beats.

Tiara tried to show me a text and ask my opinion about her response. I couldn't read a thing. The words swirled on her screen and I pretended as if I understood. Tiara told me this girl texting her was someone that her and Brian fucked together. It made me feel strange. I'd never known Tiara to be the type of woman to fuck another with her man. Every queer girl I know has a thing for her, and I, knowing her for so long developed a sibling like relationship with her. I protected her from people who couldn't take a hint, and now I wasn't sure if she was dropping one my way.

The second I heard a dubstep remix of a Shawn Mendes song I darted to the smoking area. The social spot which turned into a middle school reunion from hell. I saw an ex, friends that aren't fond of me anymore, ones that are obsessed with blow and nothing else. I saw a girl I hadn't seen since 5th grade and she was particualrly annoying. During the peak of my acid trip, I saw a girl I was romatincally involved with- Jodi. She made a big deal out of it, I was more handsy with her than I should've been, she didn't mind. When she realized I was tripping, she made it a point to block off a corner with a trash can and keep me safe in it for the moment. We talked about how small of it world it was.

"I know. I've traveled the whole globe and yet here I am again at Skyway Theatre, Minneapolis."

I confided in her about my fear that Brian and Tiara were trying to lure me into a threesome.

"Man, it's like can't bisexuals ever just be homies?" she laughed with pity.

"You UNDERSTAND ME!" I buried my head in her chest and she patted it.

When I made my way back inside I found Brian and the gang. Brian had hand-held fans and I was absolutely living for the air he started to cool me down with. We may have been having too much of a moment. I saw Tiara glare across the room at me with anger, jealousy.

I had a few thoughts, my first was that he needed to be giving Tiara the attention he was giving me. Especially since it was her birthday. The other was that, there's no way Tiara is okay with fucking other women. She has to be doing it to keep him happy. She appoached me with the intensity of a wildcat.

"He's the Fan-King isn't he. That's why I bought him the fans. He's so tall strong, he can fan the whole room." she said, nose to nose with me, almost a threat.

I laughed. She continued to try and dance in a sexy way on him, right next to me. Everyones energy was palpable. He knew he was feeling me too much. I didn't want to be the one that made Tiara insecure. I never thought that could even be a possibility in the first place. It all was very intense and I needed to make my way out of there. They asked me to stay the night with them, and I promised (though I appreciated their concern) I could make my way home safely. I was focused on the fact that I had to open my store in T-Minus 8 hours. I needed food and rest.

After bumbling around lobbies, every door I found was locked and the bar nextdoor had just closed their kitchen. I found a security guard and asked,

"Hey, if I need to get the fuck out of here, how do I do that?" he pointed to a door I hadn't seen before.

I was free. I made my way to the Depot, a restaurant connected to First Avenue. I was called "babe" by a waitress and was reminded of my mommy issues. She gave me hydration and honey mustard chicken wings. I couldn't finish them all and tried calling a few friends to get me, help me finish the wings and take me home. Everyone was asleep. I spent good money on a lyft home. Luckily I wasn't locked out. (unsure where my keys are at the moment) I wish i didn't have to work the next day, I wanted to make the most of the acid. I was having brilliant thoughts that I couldn't turn off until 3 AM, waking up at 7:30 thereafter.

Here I am now thinking that I can see myself dosing again. Not making a habit out of it, but is that even possible with me? ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[flexi-lexi]

(/ω＼)ﾟ.+(〃ﾉωﾉ)ﾟ.+°50 More Interesting Questions

Rules: fill this out and tag at least one person you’d like to know more about! Or just fill it out! Or don’t! Answer only some of them! Make up your own questions! “What kind of requirement is that”, you ask? A reasonable one! Who am I to tell you what to do? Anything goes!

tagged by: NO ONE BUT @matsujunkie WANTS TO KNOW MORE ABOUT RANDOS SO HERE WE GO

1. What kind of food can’t you stand?: Bland food--unseasoned, monochromatic, flavorless food. Like, I legit feel a specific kind of depression when I eat flavorless food.

2. If you could choose one minor inconvenience to never have to deal with again, what would you pick?: Commuting to work because it’s such a waste of time. The dream is to walk across the street and just be at work, that’d be amazing tbh

3. Have you got any useless talents?:  I can type at like 94wpm lmao

4. If you could be really really good at one thing, what would it be?:  Public speaking--the sheer power behind good public speaking skills and general charisma is not to be underestimated.

5. Name a few people you think are extremely good-looking:  My bf let’s be real Also Emma Watson, Jay Park, T.O.P, Chris Pratt, Ryan Gosling, and Eiza González

6. What was your favorite way to pass the time as a kid?:  I played, played, PLAYED all fuckin day. When I lived in my house in the Philippines, I felt like I always had a million things to do--I’m playing kickball in my garage, I’m playing dolls with my sister, I’m playing pretend chef with my mom, so many things. And when I think I’ve run out of things to do, I’ll just watch cartoons lol

7. What is something you’re proud of?:  I’m extremely proud of my family, especially my parents who worked extremely hard and overcame so much struggle so that my siblings and I could have a brighter future. 

8. What’s one character flaw in people that you just can’t tolerate?:  Lack of basic compassion and consideration for others

9. Do you consider yourself to be more of a leader or a follower?:  I don’t often consider myself a leader, but people have always said I exude the qualities of one. I’ll only be a leader if a group needs a leader. Otherwise, I don’t think I’ve ever been a follower, I’m more of a collaborator.

10. What kind of student are/were you?:  I consider myself painfully average only because I hold myself to a painfully high standard. I think I did relatively well in high school and college, but I was always very hard on myself in high school for not getting straight A’s or not going straight to a reputable university. I’ve learned to ease up on myself in college. Instead, I learned how to be the laziest overachiever possible in college. My motto was, “What is the least amount of work I can do to still get an A- in this class???” lmao

11. Butterfly effect question! Has there ever been a seemingly minor decision you’ve made (at the time) that ended up having a profound influence on your life?: When I decided to sit next to some goody-two-shoes looking girl in 5th grade (lowkey because I was also a goody-two-shoes and I knew she wouldn’t judge me). We’ve been best friends for 15 years.

12. Name your most irrational fear/aversion:  Cockroaches and the dark

13. Are there any fictional characters you find especially relatable?:  As much as she annoys me, Sakura from Naruto is probably the most relatable character because she’s someone who has so much potential but struggled so much to become a better version of herself. She annoyed me in her early days because she was so useless but I think that quality in her annoyed me so much because I’m also kinda useless and I hate that about myself haha

14. If you drink, what kind of drunk are you? Alternatively, what sort of person are you at parties?:  I’m the social butterfly drunk; I suddenly become an extrovert and I’m just annoying af because I just scream my words at everyone. Alternatively, sober me is typically a recluse at parties--I will hang out with my phone, anyone I actually know, or the resident pet. Which is why I tend to drink at parties--I take the term “social lubricant” quite literally.

15. Do you fall in love easily? Or does it usually take a long time for you to trust someone?: Yes, it’s the absolute fucking worst. I hate it. I have a tendency to give people the benefit of the doubt, but I’m trying to lower my expectations of people bit by bit until it’s at a safe level where I can look out for myself.

16. Would you rather have one close friend or 100 casual friends?: 1 close friend, 200%

17. Do you consider yourself to be more of a slob or a neat-freak?:  I am a neat-freak at heart and my dream is to stay that way, but I’m also a really lazy person who can’t be bothered to pick up after myself until something’s been on the floor for 5 months and I start to notice it again.

18. Describe a place (imaginary or real) that you would find incredibly cozy:  A porch on a gloomy October day facing an autumn forest. Alternatively, the same porch but on an early July morning when the sun is just creeping up.

19. Do you have kids? If not, do you want them someday?:  No kids. I’m very wishy washy about kids. I tell myself I don’t want kids, but I still think about it every once in a while. Most recently I think I’ve been having baby fever because I keep imagining what my child would look like if I had one with my bf and what kind of personality he or she would have and how they would call me as their mom (mommy? ma? nay? mi? who knows) and how cool my kid would be if I could get it to speak English, Tagalog, and Korean. I don’t know if this is just a phase or if it will only get worse and more insistent as I get older...

20. What was your favorite book as a child?:  The Thief Lord by Cornelia Funke

21. Name one thing you just don’t get what all the hype is about:  Juicing??? Why are people so into juice and like expensive af juice??

22. Name one thing that you think is tragically underrated:  lol free education

23. If you had to be glued to a person for a month, real or fictional (who you have never met), who would you choose?:  Probably my papa’s grandpa, Alex Sr. Three generations named after him and I don’t know a thing about him, who he was or what he looked like.

24. What’s something you’d like the chance to do someday?:  Save a life

25. Do you typically speak your mind when you have a controversial opinion? Or do generally prefer to not rock the boat?:  I generally prefer not to rock the boat. I wish I was more straightforward, but the reason why I’m not is because I tend to get very emotional over things on which I have a strong opinion, and that doesn’t help me state my case at all. I think I’m learning to be more outspoken, though, especially because certain things just touch a nerve with me.

26. What’s the dumbest fad you’ve been caught up in?:  My entire middle school life and parts of my high school life was a dumb fad tbh lol

27. What’s something you thought was cool as a kid/adolescent, but now cringe at yourself for?:  Being punk/emo lmao

28. What’s a trait you consider to be very admirable?:  Conviction; the ability to stand up for what you believe in

29. Is there a particular kind of item people always tend to give you as gifts? (For instance, people always get you things with ducks on them because you like ducks, etc.):  I guess it depends on the person or my situation? Like, my bf always gives me necklaces and he needs to stop my parents always give me furniture and household items because I’m always too poor to buy my own. But overall I don’t think I get any one particular gift on the regular...

30. Do you speak multiple languages? Which ones?:  If by “speak” you mean “learned and know subconsciously but too afraid to practice,” then yes I speak multiple languages aside from English: Tagalog, Japanese, and Italian. I really want to learn Korean next, but where to find time and money......

31. Would you rather live in the big city or the countryside?:  Probably the big city because I’ve always been a city girl and I easily get bored without stimulation. But I also tend to get irritated by excessive noise and hubub, so if I could get a suburb that’s closer to the city side (where there’s more to do than just eat burgers, watch movies, and go bowling), then yeah that’d be awesome.

32. Has there ever been something you were certain you’d hate, but ended up loving?:  The book All Quiet on the Western Front. I saw clips of the film adaptation in high school and thought it was the most boring thing in the world. But then I had to read the book in college and it nearly brought me to tears.

33. Do you mind being the center of attention, or do you prefer the spotlight to be on someone else?:  In my imagination, I crave attention and want to be the center of it. But irl I push that shit away because when the attention is on me I become awkward.

34. Favorite holiday?:  Christmas

35. Are you a more go-with-the-flow type of person, or do you need to have things planned meticulously?:  I think in my heart I’m a Type B, spontaneous, go-with-the-flow type of person, but when I try to be that way I just get anxiety because my mind is too Type A to allow it to happen.

36. Is there something you loved so much you wish you could forget it and experience it all over again? (A tv show, book, series–anything.):  Italy, hands down.

37. What hobbies do you have?:  lol i hate this question because i’m reminded of how boring i am as a person watching TV, listening to music, reading, cooking, practicing makeup (a.k.a. watching makeup tutorials all day), occasional exercise, karaoke, eating, spending time with family

38. If you could have a superpower, but it was only mildly useful, what ability would you want to have?:  I really want to fucking fly but if it’s only “mildly useful” does that I mean my power will fail from time to time??? Because I am absolutely not down to fall at any point. So I guess invisibility? Because the power itself is mildly useful--what the fuck am I gonna do with it? Eavesdrop? Become a voyeur??

39. Something people are always surprised to learn about you:  It varies. 1) That I’m into cars (because people assume that girls aren’t interested in cars???) 2) That I’m a nerd (because I’ve learned to keep it on the DL lol) 3) That I wasn’t born here lmao (because apparently my English is “so good” lol bye)

40. Something that took you way too long to figure out:  That things pretty much never happen that way you plan or hope, but that things still somehow always fall into place.

41. Worst injury you’ve had?: All of my major injuries occurred when I was just a baby so I have no recollection of any of it. I think the worst was when a cookie jar fell and smashed on my tender two-year-old cranium lol

42. Any morbid fascinations?: Sure, maybe old-timey b&w crime scene photos, especially the super gruesome ones because when it’s b&w it’s somehow less nauseating to look at.  I also love “true” ghost stories and reading creepypastas and shit, even though I know it could potentially keep me up at night. Strangely enough, despite these fascinations, I still hate horror films. Go figure.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

43. Describe your sense of humor:  Lots of slapstick, good deal of self-deprecation, a little bit of sarcasm. Bonus: I have a great appreciation for dry humor, but I can’t do dry humor.

44. If you had to be born in another era/place, which would you choose?  As a historian, as much as I admire certain eras, I know better than to ask to be born in a time when I’m way more likely to contract polio or the bubonic plague or be enslaved by Spaniards. I also thoroughly enjoy modern conveniences such as running water and grocery stores LOL I think I want to be born in the ‘80s in the U.S. so I can experience the joy, excitement, and prosperity of the ‘90s in the U.S. It seems like a very minute difference given that I was born in ‘92, but I feel like I’ve missed out on a lot of the ‘90s because I was way too young to appreciate it.

45. Something you are irredeemably bad at:  ~ S P O R T S ~

46. Something that sucked but you’re glad you went through:  Being kicked out of the house lmao Forreal tho, it was an extremely tough and humbling experience, but I’m really happy to be independent. Strangely enough, I feel like I have a much greater sense of love and appreciation for my parents now that they’re not always breathing down my neck LOL

47. Would you rather have a really godawful ugly tattoo in a place that is only slightly inconvenient to conceal with clothing (upper arm, thigh, etc.), or the coolest, most beautiful tattoo ever in the middle of your face? (Neither tattoo can be removed or concealed with makeup, and the ugly tattoo will deeply offend anyone who sees it.):  Ugly tattoo in an inconvenient place. Because imho a tattoo in the middle of my face, regardless of the level of artistry, is an ugly tattoo anyway, and it’s one that I'll have a harder time concealing.

48. Are you more of an optimist or a pessimist?:  I’d like to think of myself as an optimist but I think I come off as a pessimist. Does that makes me a realist? I don’t know but I just told my bf to stop buying lottery tickets because he never wins. You tell me what that makes me lol

49. What would be the most flattering compliment someone could give you?:  If someone ever told me I was “cool.” Because I’ve lived my whole life never thinking I was ever “cool.” Not “cool” as in “I want everyone to like me,” but “cool” like the way I look at someone who has accomplished something that changed the world or someone who stood their ground and gave no fucks about what others thought or someone with a fabulous and unique sense of style. If someone ever told me I was “cool,” to me it means they see something in me that’s admirable or even enviable, and I can’t even begin to fathom how they see those things in me but wow ok yeah cool I’ll take it thank you

50. Something you feel people often misunderstand about you:  Over the years I’ve put up a front of being super happy-go-lucky, even though I’m actually not like that 100% of the time. So on days when I just don’t feel like engaging with people, people just assume I’m angry or sad about something like no I just don’t wanna talk to people rn bye

Tagging: anyone who wants to open up to me, @me because i find these things fascinating as hell

[howtomusicmajor]

Battling Insecurity

The biggest demon of most musicians is a feeling of insecurity. It’s the creeping (or blatant) suspicion that you are literally the worst musician in the world — or at least nowhere near as good as you “should” be. It can also manifest as the idea that you’re going to: get laughed at by your peers, be a complete failure at everything you ever attempt, be revealed as a fraud, find out everyone is just humoring you, find out that your doubters were right, end up completely destitute and have to live in a cave, or possibly just spontaneously die the next time you have to perform. It turns out that all of these worries are 99.999% of the time completely baseless. No, you are not that 0.001 percent case where these thoughts are accurate. Bassoonist Georg, who has never actually touched a bassoon and likes living in caves, is an outlier adn should not have been counted. The thing is that everyone feels like this, at least sometimes. I myself have, at the time of writing, complained at two different people a total of four times in the past week that I am going to end up living in a cave in the North Woods because no one will ever want to pay me for anything because I Suck. This is objectively not true. (You bought this book after all.) It may be a cliche, but there is a lot of truth to the thought that we are our own worst critics. There is no one else out there who knows your musical intent. If your trill doesn’t sound the way it did in your head, you are the only person who knows. Everyone else will think approximately this: “Hey, that was a trill. Cool.” If they’re especially persnickety, they might add “That was a little (better/worse) than when (you/someone else) sang a similar trill.” I don’t think there is a person out there who specifically goes to listen to a performance and thinks “This is awful and this performer is awful,” because most people are very nice. You are the only person there who thinks that you suck. There are ways to battle insecurity, of course. Every performer develops a set of techniques to reaffirm their own self-worth, to calm themselves down, and essentially talk themselves down from the tree their anxiety has them hiding up. However, trial and error can take a long time, and you are going to need your self-esteem shored up a lot in the next year. With that in mind, here are suggestions from performers in college and beyond for how to manage insecurity. Focus on things you’ve improved in the past year. When you start to worry about how obviously you’re no good and no one will ever want to listen to you etc. etc. etc., take a deep breath, then list three things you’ve improved in your playing in the past year. You have definitely improved at LEAST three, if not eight or nine aspects of your playing. Be as broad or as specific as you wish. This is about you acknowledging that you have grown and gotten better, so you choose the things on which to focus. Listen to old recordings of yourself. If you absolutely CANNOT think of a SINGLE THING you’ve improved on in the past year (really? Not even your ability to play a single piece?), then go and listen to recordings of yourself from years ago. Find something you performed in when you were a freshman in high school (or, if you’re a freshman, see if you can find stuff from elementary school!). Go and listen to it, as critically as you can. It will probably make you cringe. That’s a good thing. Know why? It’s because it shows you how much you’ve grown since then. If you fast-forward ten years from now, as long as you have kept playing, I can guarantee that future-you will listen to recordings of current-you with that same kinda cringey feeling. Because, in ten years, you will have improved so much that your current playing will be unrecognizable. And you will be proud. Remember that the goal is improvement, not perfection. Music is not a race. Music is not a competition. Music is an art for self-fulfillment and self-expression. Perfection is impossible. Being “the best” is also impossible - there are seven billion people on Earth (and six in space (I checked!)). There’s always going to be someone out there who has practiced a little longer, or harder, or started earlier, or whose fingers are just a little closer to the perfect shape for your instrument. Your goal, then, should be to improve your own self - no comparisons to others, nothing like that. Remember everyone comes from a different background. That person who sits to you in your ensemble, the one you’re envious of? You can’t know everything about their life. Maybe their parents started them on their instrument at age three. Maybe they haven’t gone out on the weekend in a year and a half because they practice then, or because they work to make up for not working during their practice time during the week. They could have a buttload of debt because of outside lessons. There’s no way to know what advantages or tradeoffs they’ve had to get where they are. Once you’re at a certain point in life, there’s no way to add something to your life without sacrificing something else that you also like. If someone else practices X amount hours more a week then you do, then they spend X amount less doing something valuable to you - work, sleep, other homework, socializing, recharging, etc. They may simply have different priorities than you, and that’s okay. Shut down the voice that compares people. Comparing yourself to someone else does nothing for you. Really. Unless you’re actively studying someone’s technique for educational purposes, comparing yourself to that 5th year senior, or that incredible freshman, does nothing for you. When you notice yourself doing the comparison thing, just shut it off. Practice rebuffing that voice. “Sarah plays really well, yes. When I’ve played as long as she as, I’ll be better than I am now, too!” Or! “That freshman plays really well - I’m glad they had the opportunities they did.” If all else fails, just look at these other people as motivation. Aspire to be as good as them, and use that to fuel your own practice. Just don’t let it spiral into beating yourself up. You’re worth more than that. Directors have a vision. If you don’t match that vision, it’s not a personal failing.This is specifically in regards to auditions or chair seatings. Every musician has a different style and different technical abilities, and that’s okay. Sometimes your skill in a certain area may be amazing, but your tone just doesn’t match the rest of an ensemble. Or your sight-reading is great, but the director prefers someone else’s musical interpretation. That’s okay. There are ensembles where sight-reading is super important, and where your tone matches perfectly. You just have to find them, and you will eventually. Make sure to take care of yourself. You can’t practice as efficiently if you’re sick. You can’t improve as much when you’re always exhausted. Trust me - due to an immune system that works about as well as a mall cop, I’ve spent on average eight weeks a school year feeling absolutely gross. I had to take an incomplete with my private teacher the first semester of my senior year of college, because I was so ill I could barely phonate (mono is a big ball of suck). I’ve been better overall, however, since I started scheduling my sleep and food and socialization times. My calendar has nine hours of sleep scheduled in every night, I have phone calls and coffee dates with my best friends penciled in every week, and food is as regular as clockwork. Why? Because it prevents that nauseous, exhausted feeling of sleepwalking through a ten hour day. Hard days still happen, of course. However, I don’t spend nearly as much time cajoling myself to just keep putting one foot in front of the other anymore. Instead, I’m awake, engaged, and able to complain about things other than how tired I am. Progress! Read up on Impostor Syndrome. Impostor Syndrome is when your brain’s resident jerkwad is constantly suggesting everyone you know is about to find out you’re a fraud. Who cares about any auditions you’ve successfully done. Who cares how good a grade you got last week. The jerkwad yells that you’re faking everything you’ve ever done, and people are going to figure that out, and then you’re going to end up living under a bridge and charging people tolls to cross it, and then they’ll figure out you aren’t even really a troll, and then you’re going to have join me in the cave in the North Woods and eat beetles and moss. That jerkwad is a liar. Even I haven’t ended up in the North Woods yet, and I’m pretty sure I should list “Can BS Real Well” on my resume under Skills. You are a real musician - after all, you play music! That’s it. That’s all that’s required to call yourself a musician. I promise.

[nancypullen]

Friturday

Is it Friday? Saturday? Does it matter? The mister is off for the next four days and I’d hoped to find something fun to do - a picnic in a park or a nice hike somewhere.  The forecast is so gloomy that we’ll be lucky to light the grill and char something for the holiday.  I did get a watermelon which I consider the fruit that officially kicks off summer.  That first sweet melon on Memorial Day opens the gates to ...well, nothing this summer.  I haven’t heard anything about whether the Farmers Market will be open, I know the U-Pick strawberry farms have been doing a booming business.  It’s pretty easy to stay six feet away from people picking berries.  I’m still holding onto hope that the drive-in will show something worth the price of a parking spot, but I think most new releases have been put on hold.  The owner posted on Facebook that it could be a “retro summer”,  I guess I’d be okay with that.  A Grease sing-along would be a blast.  I’d really like something to look forward to other than my Kroger grocery pick-up. I’ve just done a bit of meal prep for the week, Mickey is out power washing the driveway, and I guess I’ll go tidy up and organize my craft desk.  It’s a mess.  My cards have taken a turn, first I made this one which proves that Snapped marathon wasn’t a good idea.

And yesterday, I found this photo...

and because I have the sense of humor of a 5th grade boy, she ended up like this.

My kids are probably gagging right now. What can I say?  I’m spending too much time in my own head and it’s half fun house and half haunted mansion in there.  I’ll have to be very careful when choosing who receives that card. And speaking of being in my own head, I’m keeping a little journal for our grandbaby.  She’s just 2 years old and won’t remember any of this - other than how great it was to have Mommy and Daddy around all the time.  But she may enjoy reading her Grancy’s firsthand account of what life was like during the pandemic in 2020.

Who knows? Maybe someday it will earn her an A in a history class.  She’ll read about How Grandpa and I decided at the end of February that we were locking down and staying in. How we ordered eggs and meat from a local farm because grocery stores were gutted.  How we searched for masks and hand sanitizer and how day after day the death toll rose higher than we’d imagined.  She’ll read about armed idiots storming government buildings over their “right” to tattoos and haircuts.  She’ll read about musicians serenading cities from their balconies and incredible acts of kindness and generosity.  She’ll read about her Uncle Matt’s long work days trying to figure out what worked to combat the virus.  And hopefully she’ll read that we all came out on the other side and had the best family reunion ever.  I confess, I cry when I think about how much of her second year I’m missing.  Yesterday we had a FaceTime tea party and she was chattering about anything and everything.  She loves it when I take her on a tour of the house, especially outside when I touch the wind chimes to make them sing and show her the flowers.  She gets excited when she sees the cats and knows that they’re “Phoebe and Molly” and “Grancy’s cats”.  She then shows me her cat, Henry, who was originally Tyler’s cat and is now 14 years old.  She’s so gentle with him. But back to the subject at hand - if nothing else she’ll know that even though I couldn’t travel to see her I was thinking of her every day.   It’s nearly 4 o’clock so I suppose I’d better tidy up my craft desk and do a little prep for dinner.  I’ve got a fat hen to roast and I’ll add some carrots and wild rice.  I’ll have enough chicken left to use in another dish or just for sandwiches.  I love a dinner that does double duty.  Alliteration!  Take care of yourselves, stay safe and well.  If it’s sunny where you are then getcha’ some vitamin D.  If it’s not (like here), then make your own sunshine - do something that lifts your spirits or makes you laugh.  Dance, call a friend, make some art, read a book, watch a funny movie, whatever.  If you can’t find the silver lining, make one! Hang in there.   XOXO

[eats-the-stars]

you know, for how much anxiety my sister has, and the way it makes her super insecure about a lot of social interactions, she has always been good at keeping a handful of really close friends. i was always more of a loner since i was weird (autistic, but not officially diagnosed until i was older because my mom refused to acknowledge it but it never stopped the kids at school from calling me the “r” word and shit). i never minded it much, though. i was very self-contained and although i was quiet and kept to myself, i wasn’t insecure about myself like my sister was. lots of bullies were frustrated when i wouldn’t respond how they wanted. and also terrified of me in like 1st to 3rd grade because i would not hesitate to bite a kid and the teachers would always side w/me when i told them who started it. adults were always kind of a grey area for me, but it was way easier to get on most of their good sides. other kids was hard. i could never figure out what behavior they wanted from me. but adults? they just wanted me to be polite and nice and to smile, not break the rules, be honest. super easy. also i talked “like a baby?” when i was in elementary up until like 5th grade? I don’t know what that means exactly but i know i sounded different and it made teachers kind of treat me like i was made of glass which was irritating but useful when some kid manages to rip my stuffed toy in half during recess. they probably thought i had, like, the mind of an even younger kid or some bullshit. which meant they had mixed opinions on my reading level, which was always super high, like adult science fiction books high. I was reading Dune and Lord of the Rings in 2nd grade and they HATED it. no idea why teachers would hate a kid being able to read? but they did. but my mom was pleased as hell because there was “no way” i could be autistic (and my mom and her friends and my aunts used the “r” word when I overheard them talk about me but they honestly also thought that was the correct medical term so I know my mom didn’t mean it in a bad way, it still just kind of stings even now). my dad was actually my favorite adult for a lot of reasons, but one reason was that my mom religiously kept any suspicion that i was autistic away from him. which was easy since he’s kind of oblivious and she took me to all my school things and doctor appointments. and he was just super happy that i liked science fiction because he’s a huge nerd. so he was always the one taking my interest seriously and he’d let me info-dump endlessly whenever we were in the kitchen or in the car. asked a few questions or just quietly let me keep going. 

i think my interests were more valuable to me than friends if i’m being honest. friends were great in concept, but in reality kids were either nice to me because they were “good kids” or because they were legit nice in general, or because they wanted something from me like help with homework or to convince the teacher of something, or to try to trick me even though it would never end well for them.

but i am happy that my sister managed to make and keep as many friends as she has. it’s funny because they’re all so wildly different, too. 

her first friend was the shyest girl i’ve ever met. like all the way up through middle school she refused to speak to anyone in the school except my sister. so if anyone wanted to talk to her, they had to get my sister to translate. teachers, classmates, didn’t matter. the good thing was that they were basically inseparable so you didn’t have to look far. they used to have sleepovers at her house and her parents lived next to an ice cream shop so they’d go get ice cream and color together outside on the bench and their friendship in general was just super cute. 

meanwhile my sister was nearly as shy, but for anxiety reasons, and had “resting murder face” and intentionally kept her hair over her eyes and face most of the time to hide from ppl due to her anxiety. like she would literally just drop her head and let her hair cover her face if she was done talking. she also has problems with her speech, so she talks low, quiet, and a bit slurred when she’s in public (she’s louder at home). people tend to have a hard time understanding her if they aren’t used to it. she also got mistaken for a stoner even though she’s never touched weed in her life. doesn’t even drink. only thing she’s been on is prescription anti-anxiety meds. 

her second best friend was the most loud, aggressive, popular girl in her grade. blonde hair, blue eyes, short, and with no indoor voice. she basically just walked up to my sister one day on the playground in like 2nd grade and just decided they were going to be friends. my sister says that she’s the reason she barely had to deal with bullies at all. nobody wanted to deal with getting chewed out and ostracized by the whole girl gang for making fun of her. of course, she also evaded bullying in places w/out her friends by looking like she was low-key plotting murder, and because she had me with her on like the bus, and they already knew that i was the crazy kid who would bite you (also pepper in liberal uses of the “r” word which apparently made me more of a threat but i’d take it). i also came up w/really weird threats as a kid because i read so much that i didn’t want to make them boring and generic. so i had one kid (kind of a general bully in my sister’s grade) who made fun of my sister exactly once in my presence and then never again, and he confessed at graduation to her that it was because when we were in elementary on the bus together i leaned over to him right after he kicked my sister’s backpack under the seat, and I grabbed his leg and threatened to rip his thigh off and eat it if he did that again. i literally don’t even remember that but it did sound like me as a kid so...yeah i did not have many friends. 

[kacydeneen]

A Mother Says a Teacher Molested Her Daughter. She Was 8.

For nearly three years, Christopher Falzone taught students at Renaissance Charter School in Cooper City. 

"All kids loved him, even my daughter," said a mother who asked not to be identified. We'll call her Monica.

But Monica says Falzone betrayed the love and trust of his students.

"When he felt that he gained that trust, that's when he started the abuse."

She says Falzone molested her daughter more than 20 times during the 2017-2018 school year.

"He would sit her down and he put his hand under her skirt," she said.

"She would try to find an excuse to move away but he would call her again and again and again," Monica added.

Falzone was arrested in August 2018 after a different girl, who was 10 years old at the time, accused him of molesting her at a summer camp.

The girl told police Falzone "would lift her shirt, put his hand inside her shorts and move his hand around on her buttocks and back." 

According to a police affidavit, Falzone admitted having private conversations with the girl on Facebook Messenger and whispering "I love you" into her ear. But the former teacher told police he did not remember touching her.

Prosecutors filed more charges when four students from Renaissance came forward, including Monica's daughter.

They told police Falzone called them his "special students." According to the arrest report, he would sit them in the back of his classroom while he played videos for the rest of the class.

With the lights turned off and the other students facing the screen, they told police Falzone would fondle them.

"It's just horrible, I don't have any other words," Monica said while fighting back tears. "It's your angel. The place that you expect for them to be more safe."

Falzone has pleaded not guilty to multiple counts of sexual battery and molestation. 

"This is the worst nightmare for a parent," said Monica. "You wouldn't think that this would happen to you or your family."

Falzone's personnel file from Broward County Public Schools shows families had complained about Falzone before.

In May 2014, he was fired and "disqualified from future employment" in the Broward school district after multiple girls said he touched them inappropriately. At the time, he was a substitute teacher at Sheridan Hills Elementary.

In a statement, a student wrote, "Mr. Falzone keeps going in our shirts and pants."

Another student said he touched her butt in front of her classmates.

"He would like to put us in a position where no could see us," she told a detective from the school police.

She also told the detective that Falzone touched her private parts and kissed her neck once when she was alone with him in the classroom. 

According to the district's investigative report, the girls were in 5th and 3rd grade.

Broward County Public Schools started investigating the case in the summer of 2013 and removed Falzone from the "approved substitute teacher's list" immediately. 

Falzone denied the allegations in a lengthy letter he wrote to the district. In it, he said that he was "devastated" and that his dream of becoming a teacher had been "tarnished" by students who "possibly out of jealousy for Mr. Falzone's attention" accused him of inappropriate acts.

He went on to write, "I have chosen that, going forward, I will never hug a child in a school setting."

Hollywood Police investigated the complaints but no criminal charges were filed. 

Three of the four parents who complained told Hollywood Police they didn't want the department to pursue criminal charges.

An assistant state attorney with the Sex Crime/Child Abuse Unit informed the other parent who did want charges filed that they "declined prosecution" without getting into details why.

A year after being fired from Broward County Public Schools, Falzone was back in the classroom teaching young students at Renaissance, a charter school located just 15 minutes away from the school where he was fired. 

"It's really one of the worst examples that I've seen of failing to protect kids," said Jeff Herman, who is representing three families suing the charter school, including Monica.

"How is it that a teacher at a public school can be accused of molesting kids, credibly, and they are allowed to teach anywhere?"

In a statement, Renaissance said its "schools conduct thorough background checks and all applicants must be cleared by the district prior to us offering a position to any employee." Broward Public Schools would not comment on if they informed Renaissance that they fired him and why.

But the district said charter schools have their own hiring practices and that they only help them with criminal history checks.

Christine Rodriguez, whose daughter was in Falzone's class at Renaissance, told the NBC 6 Investigators she learned about the teacher's past and told the charter school's principal months before he was arrested.

"I explained that my friend had contacted me and told me about the molestation allegations," she said during a Skype interview from her new home out of state. "I begged him, please do an investigation, I'm sure you can contact local authorities, find out if there was ever a report made, something, just do something."

But Rodriguez says the principal didn't. 

"Something could have been done further and I feel it was ignored."

Rodriguez says that meeting was in October 2017.

"He finished the entire school year and, as we alleged, that's when most of the molestation began," said Herman.

Rodriguez says she grew suspicious of Falzone after he sent her family a long and "odd" email about her daughter, who was 8 years old at the time.

He was "...basically stating that he just loved having our daughter in his class, that she is the one that keeps him sane," she recalled. "He was giving her lots of praise, a little over excessive in our opinion."

Then, Rodriguez says she witnessed Falzone hugging her daughter "in a very passionate way" during a teacher-parent conference.

"He wasn't letting go and so I actually felt uncomfortable," she said.

Rodriguez says she eventually took her daughter out of Falzone's class to protect her.

"My daughter has even said, had I stayed in his class, it would have been me," she said.

Renaissance wouldn't comment about Rodriguez's allegations or any details in the case because of the pending lawsuits.

For Monica, the school simply dropped the ball. She says her daughter is still going to therapy.

"This didn't need to happen," she said. "You let these girls being there in a classroom with a child abuser."

She is one of Herman's clients.

Falzone is now behind bars pending trial. His lawyer didn't respond to our multiple requests for comment.

This story uses functionality that may not work in our app. Click here to open the story in your web browser. A Mother Says a Teacher Molested Her Daughter. She Was 8. published first on Miami News