#i have a few more issues but i won't exposed myself that much

[velvetwilde]

Daddy issues?? Me??

My comfort character is Spencer Reid, of course I have daddy issues

[sonicboomseason3]

a brief recap of what has been going on with the sonic movieverse in the past several months:

paramount has come out in public support of israel

keanu reeves, a man who has publicly rubbed elbows with none other than benjamin netanyahu, reportedly gets cast as shadow for the upcoming third movie

james marsden, the guy who plays tom, got exposed as having written a letter of support for a convicted pedophile

there's fucking??? zionist propaganda in the knuckles series???

kind of connected to the last point but adam pally, the guy who plays wade, is evidently pro-israel too

this is a complete and utter joke.

EDIT AS OF 4/30/24: if people see this version of the post, i'd really appreciate it if you reblog it instead of the other versions, as it's the most updated one with all the information that i want included. thank you :]

you know, it's been a few days since i've made this post, and some of you (not most) are staying determined in defending/justifying/giving the benefit of the doubt to keanu for that photo with netanyahu, whether it's because "it was a decade ago," "him being civil to someone he ran into at a party one time doesn't mean anything," "he's probably just silent because his pr managers won't allow him to speak up," etc. i've made my thoughts on the matter quite clear by directly responding to these people, but at this point, i'm tired of both seeing them in my notes and repeating myself, so take this as my final word on the issue.

i can't help it if you don't think the photo with netanyahu is damning, and i'm done engaging with everyone going out of their way to tell me that. i obviously disagree, especially after finding out that 1. the host of the party, arnon milchan, is a former israeli spy who has a history of developing israel's nuclear program and promoting apartheid in south africa (information that had broken out a few months prior to the party and thus would've been fresh news around the time keanu chose to attend) and 2. keanu has been caught hanging around at least two other weirdos, but if you don't find any of that to be cause for reasonable concern, then there really is nothing else i can say afaik.

with all that said, i'm beginning to realize how strange it is that these people's first instinct when seeing this post is to start debating about keanu's political stances without ever acknowledging any of the other bullet points. you guys realize that this isn't just about him, right? i know tumblr reading comprehension is known for being piss-poor, but like… you realize that i was trying to make a point of how there are MULTIPLE terrible things that have broken out about the people and company involved in the sonic movies, right? and yet, a lot of the people leaping to speak on keanu's behalf in my notes are completely ignoring the parts where i bring up paramount, pally, etc. all in favor of zeroing in on the singular point about keanu and making bad faith assumptions about me for holding him accountable. really makes one wonder where your priorities lie if, in a post that talks about so many other things, me accusing an a-list celebrity with, according to google, a net worth of almost $400 million is where you draw the line and apparently the only thing worth your acknowledgment.

ultimately, what i'm trying to say is that the intention of this post was just to gather up everything that i had been hearing for the past several months and put it all together in one place. there were a bunch of people who didn't know about at least one of the bullet points before seeing this post, and i'm glad that i could help inform them, that was what i was hoping to do! but as for the keanu thing, i've said pretty much all i can say for now, and i don't want to derail the original post even more than i may have already. unless something new comes up, i'm done talking about him.

[psi-hate]

alright, this really, really sucks but i have an unfortunate update that occurred regarding my recent living situation.

not to get into too much detail for the sake of my friend's privacy, but she and her fiance offered to take me in after i was suddenly on the verge of homelessness this february. i accepted their offer and moved in thanks to everyone's support, and for the last few months, i felt comfortable and capable in getting myself together for the first time in years.

however, despite what i assumed were all positive developments, things started getting a lot more complicated. i become exposed to the treatment and stress my friend has been suffering from her fiance over many years, from being spied on via tracking apps, in-house cameras, a ridiculous jealousy complex and all sorts of other personal issues.

her friends and i have been supporting her over the years, but i didn't realize how bad it was until i started to be subjected to it as well.

my friend decided to break up with her fiance last week, finally standing up for herself but still wanting to remain friends and live as normally as they could, they still had the house and their cats and such. her now ex-fiance hasn't taken kindly to this and has been pretty passively hostile towards us, and has started to take it out on me.

she started stalking my tumblr to find things to get mad at, and checking the cameras when i leave my room. i've not felt comfortable to leave my room in well over a week other than to get some food or use the bathroom in the middle of the night, the tension has been a nightmare.

my friend and i decided we needed to move out, especially me since i'm technically not a tenant and we suspect she's going to call the police on me to get me out of here. my friend will be going to her parents at a later point, but i unfortunately need to leave within a couple weeks as i've already been "indirectly" threatened.

this is sort of a nightmare, and i feel so horrible things turned out this way for my friend. i tried my best, but this feels out of my control. trying to keep the peace has only made things worse, and we think it's best for me to book it before i get blind-sighted.

i suspect if her ex-fiance sees this, she'll retaliate, but at this point i've already made my peace with that.

unfortunately, i won't be able to bring much of my stuff with me, i only have enough money for a ticket to move in with another close friend as an emergency.

i don't have enough to buy any checked bags for most my belongings, especially my desktop pc, so once i move i'm very likely going to not be able to do my art or anything until i can afford a laptop eventually. i'm really sorry to those waiting on any commissions, i'll try my best to get them done before i move. i feel so horrible about this.

if anyone is able to help, i'd really appreciate it. even just a reblog is more than i can really ask. i hesitate to make this request because i feel like i just asked for it only for it to all be wasted once this exploded in my face. but i've been encouraged to reach out, and i apologize if this is too much. my ko-fi:

thank you so much for supporting me so far. i don't want to disappoint anyone anymore. i am so scared but i still want to keep trying.

[caxycreations]

I hate to do this but

I need help. I need

so much fucking help.

There are a few major things I need.

TL;DR at the bottom, but I'd appreciate you read this to fully understand the situation I'm in.

I need to reacclimate to driving vehicles, so I can get from place to place on my own, but to do that I need help from someone willing to ride with me and help me feel calm in adjusting to being behind the wheel again.

I need to find work, consistent work, that pays at a regular rate, which isn't overwhelmingly fast-paced. Night shift, anywhere, or work from home, or even day shift at a place that isn't rapid-fire energetic work.

I need to save up, be able to put money back so I have enough for emergencies like car wrecks or hospital trips or some such, and so I have enough to save a nest egg to live off of eventually.

As it stands, my only two options for who can help me with driving outright refuse to do so. They won't give me the opportunity to get behind the wheel, and when asked why, it's because they just don't want to take the time for it. These are the same people who simply "didn't want to take the time" to help me reach a dentist before my health insurance ran out. The same people who demand I help them at every turn and lecture me on selfishness when I tell them I don't feel well enough to do it.

I can't find work. The only work from home jobs here call for certifications, licenses, neither of which i have, or they call for several hours of uninterrupted focus, which I can't get here because if anything as drastic as the dog sneezing happens, I'm the one ordered to deal with it. I don't have one uninterrupted hour, let alone enough for a full shift of work. As for out-of-home work, the only places within safe walking distance are the post office (which I failed the assessment for and can't retake for a year) or the cotton gin (which isn't hiring for any positions I qualify for). So with no options in town, I have to drive (see problem 1) to find work. Which I can't do. So I can't find work outside of my streaming and avatar comms, the former of which earns roughly $20-$25 a month, and doesn't pay until earnings hit $50...Basically, I'm earning $60-$70 every 2 months. I can't live off that.

And that leads to the saving issue. I make a max of $70 every 2 months, and a friend sends me $50 every 2 weeks to help me, which totals to $100 one month and $170 every other month if I earn the absolute maximum from my streams. The $100 of the first month goes to groceries, every time. It has to. The second $100 goes to groceries of that month, $50 goes to my phone bill because I have to have service for family emergencies, and the last $20 winds up going either to more groceries or to what miniscule enrichments I can get for myself to keep from going insane here. Which means I wind up with a profit of anywhere from $0-$20 every 2 months, depending on whether that 20 actually gets spent or not. And of course, if it isn't one month, it's spent the next for groceries. I have next to no profit, no savings.

Living here is poisoning me. I live in a sunroom. Not a bedroom, not "part of the house", not an apartment or studio. A sunroom. A singular room that contains every single thing I own, a mattress on the floor, and for the record, as a sunroom, it leads directly outside. Want to see my door?

That is the door between my room and the outside world. That, and a single glass door secured by a very small, very rusted door latch on one side, is my only protection from the elements and any potential intruders. The door, as you can see, isn't even fitted to the frame. It's held in place by gravity and a single nail.

And yes, that is the breaker box behind it, entirely uncovered and with exposed wiring. Should I make it worse?

That door, held up only by gravity and a single nail, were it to fall, would fall directly onto my bed. Why is my pillow at the closest end? Well because I can't sleep with my head at the other end because my totes with all of my stuff are at the other end, and the mice like running on top of those totes and I would rather not sleep head-closest to the end they play at. That big TV? Busted, belongs to my mom's husband, and they have nowhere else to put it. That monitor beside it? Busted, because my brother broke it trying to stand on his computer chair and rather than throw it out, they had him put it in here with "the other screen".

The clutter on my bed? A hot glue gun kit a friend bought me which has literally nowhere else to be.

TL;DR and conclusions

I can't take the steps to better myself alone. I need as much help as I can get. And given my major problems right now revolve around a lack of jobs/opportunities, inability to drive alone + nobody willing to ride with me, and inability to save up because of expenses, I can really only look at the things I can reach out for help on.

I've reached out to some friends to help me look for options regarding new living arrangements, but those arrangements mean nothing if I can't afford to go, or worse, can't afford to stay.

I've got to save up. I've got to have enough to put back. So that leads me to the ending note here.

If you can spare even one dollar, ANY amount of money, at all, it would help immensely. If you can't, then please reblog, spread the word and help me reach more people so I might finally get out of this place. Every cent given this way is going straight into a savings account, not to be spent until absolutely needed, or until an opportunity to get out of here surfaces.

You can help me through paypal or cashapp, either one. Cashtag is $Aazoth, Paypal fundraiser linked below. Don't stress over the amount, I only set it to the maximum because I need as much as I can get and I wasn't sure what to expect so...better safe than sorry, given idk how the fundraisers on there work. I'd have set it to end later but I can't. I'll update y'all with a new one when this one ends.

@sparrowcraft @moremysteriesthantragedies @thetruearchmagos @a-scaly-troublemaker @that-one-enby-onyx @snakelovingnerd @eldritchx @leisoree @amerylise @profoundlyhauntedclaws @thefinalgoat @leisurelywingedlemon

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for exposing a woman's lies to my sister and encouraging her to call CPS?

I (27F) am a resident doctor. I'm not getting into where or for what. My sister(25 f) messaged me last week saying she was stressed and asked me to watch her kids. I love my nieces (4F, 2.5F) and was going to agree, when my sister told me that I would also be watching her friend's kid (3M).

I have been around this kid before at events my sister has had that her friend had been at. This kid is a terror and won't listen to anyone. I am all for gentle parenting, which my sister does, but this kid has zero parenting. He doesn't know how to listen. Has drawn on walls and then peeled the wallpaper off. Screams constantly. Anytime I've been around this, he never listens to his mom or my sister. I have no doubt he wouldn't listen to me.

I asked why this kid would be around. Apparently, her friend is having health issues and asked her to watch her son so she could have a weekend away with her husband and newborn as she "isnt sure how much time she had left". My sister agreed. On the day they were supposed to return, this woman texted my sister and asked if she would mind watching a few more days. She guilt tripped my sister bringing up her "dying" and how stressful everything is.

That was over a week and a half ago. I asked my sister what this lady has. My sister sent me screenshots and then sent me one of those donation pages (like GoFundMe but not that). This woman lists what is "wrong with her". As a resident, the diagnosis she has listed is NOT life threatening. In fact, the woman had uploaded a video with the campaign and she showed medical papers. The medical papers SHOW it is NOT life threatening. While there is a medical issue, it is not one that typically causes pain or causes death. It is easily treated. But in the video she uses a lot of medical jargon that sounds worse then it is and that is used not in context.

I told my sister she was being lied to and gave my medical opinion on the diagnosis. My sister cried and thanked me saying she was worried her friend would die. I told her she needed to call CPS as this isn't her kid and the kid has been abandoned. My sister was agreeable but stated she would contact the mom again as there were other things she couldn't tell me that my sister didn't feel comfortable sharing.

I got a text from an unknown number telling me to "leave people alone and worry about your own kids- oh wait you don't have any". I can only assume it is her? My sister says there is more to the story I dont know, which makes me wonder if I am the asshole. The kid is more behaved apparently then ever, but I feel the kid has been abandoned. Note: I don't know her friend's full name or anything else about the situation so I dont have enough information for myself to call, but my sister does.

What are these acronyms?

[bees-with-swords]

It is really really frustrating to put up with systemic issues about air pollution and fire season for OVER A DECADE, and now that the east coast of the US is dealing with smoke problems it's getting the kind of analysis and publicity in the media that I've been screaming myself hoarse for since I was seven years old. It's like Australia and California don't matter nearly as much to global media as New York does. It feels extremely shitty, like my house burned down and my family was displaced and a member of my community died, but right now wildfires are getting more attention than ever before because the east coast is getting just a slice of what we've been dealing with for years.

I just feel so much envy over the outpouring of awareness, love, and support, that I never received when exposed to air quality issues OR displacement. I've lost my childhood home, my community. The fire station we paid taxes for sent their engines to a wealthy neighbourhood 15 miles away---a neighbourhood that had opted, several years earlier, to get rid of their own fire station. The fire service didn't warn our neighbours on the private roads about the fire. Some barely made it out alive. One died. Because of the lack of warning, hundreds of pets and livestock couldn't be evacuated and burned alive. The very hills I grew up on were badly damaged by corporate policies after the fire, cutting down trees and causing massive erosion.

And all of that, all of that trauma that has left our community irreparably splintered, started out with small things. Like going outside and smelling smoke. So when the memes come in (the memes that have been made before but largely ignored by folks on the east coast) and the air quality control tips (turn on your shower, increase humidity, leave out trays of water), I can't help but feel... Lost? Is history repeating itself because folks truly didn't understand what we've been going through over here? Or because nobody cared? Does the Canadian government sincerely think they can allow campfires this late in the year?

Has nobody learned from us? My house burned down, my family is living with trauma and my parents are forced into an abusive living situation and the hills I grew up on are scarred from decades of fire suppression, and nobody learned from that? Why did it happen, then? Why is nobody from the East studying it, to make sure nobody over there goes through that? Why aren't Easterners talking about fireproof housing and controlled burns and living with fire rather than against it? Were you not watching us burn? Were you not learning from our baby steps? Why are you repeating our history?

People are asking such basic questions like 'how do I keep my air clean' and 'why do we have so much fire suddenly' instead of 'how do I install metal shutters on my home' and 'how do we eradicate settler-colonialism from our ideas about forest management?' and 'how do I support fire and climate refugees?'

It feels like I've returned from the war just to watch a dozen fresh faced recruits march off eagerly. Was nobody watching? Did nobody care, did nobody learn? If people won't seek out information until the smoke is in their lungs, how am I supposed to feel any hope? I don't want my job to be endlessly educating people who don't have a reason to care yet. I would have thought you cared already. I would have thought we'd be further along.

Please do research. I don't have the energy to educate people right now, I did it for years and years but so few people listened. Go look up something about TEK and controlled burns and fire suppression and old growth forests. There's lots of material you've probably never looked at. I know it can be hard to care about what goes on in other parts of the world, but now it's affecting you. You need to know the basics of what's wrong with our system, you need to know whether fire suppression may have long term implications for your area, you need to know how to do your part in local politics, and you need to know how to help the people who are affected.

After our house burned down I got a quilt. Pajaro Valley Quilt Association made quilts for fire victims, and my mom grabbed me the nicest one they had. You have to understand, I didn't have any nice things at that point. Most of my most precious possessions didn't make it out of the fire. But I have this quilt, because the community came together and gave me one nice thing that I'll be able to keep for the next generation. We need more of that. We need people to pour out love and make donations and send cards and do anything, anything, just to make someone feel less bad on the worst day of their life. If you want to help, that's how.

I didn't get any quilts from the east coast. It feels like everyone stopped caring after the first few years of fires and drought. It became old news.

But it's still real here, it's still exhausting, and it could be you too unless we all get on the same page.

[lorbanery]

Listen

I'd never heard of most of the people mentioned in Hbomberguy's video either! It doesn't prove I'm smarter or more discerning than folks who had watched their videos, or that I can't be taken in by grifters.

All it actually proves is that their videos either never got pushed onto my recommended page, or their titles/thumbnails didn't spark my interest.

But you know whose videos did interest me? Illuminaughty's. That's right, I'd been following Illuminaughty for a couple of years up until the day video exposes started popping up on my recommended list.

I like to consider myself relatively good at spotting and avoiding scam artists. But I just never clocked Illuminaughty. Part of it was because, with very few exceptions, I don't like to engage with Youtubers outside of their main Youtube content. I don't follow people on social media, I don't join discord servers, I don't even generally watch personal/life update videos, because I don't like feeding that parasocial monster. So I didn't even see the whole mess on Twitter that started the subsequent rockslide.

But part of it was that ... I just didn't notice the red flags that Hbomberguy pointed out! He, someone who is very familiar with how to research and how to properly use and cite sources, saw things like unattributed quotes flashed on screen and vague statements about when and where quotes were found and they stood out to him. But I just don't have that background or experience. I was one of those people who fell for the tactics that HBG exposed as ways Illuminaughty covered up and suggested that there was more original content in her videos than there actually was.

Part of it was also that I just ... let slide the relatively small red flags I did notice. HBG mentioned her massive source lists — I remember thinking more than once that a massive list of sources like that would be way too much for anyone to actually sift through. But it was good that she was included sources at all, right? Or just how many flubs she has in her voice overs. Some people just don't have the time patience to edit those out or rerecord, though! And sure when she stumbles on a name it's almost like it's the first time she's come across that name despite having supposedly done all this research, but also some people are just bad at name pronunciations.

You know, I even followed Cruel World Happy Mind for a while around the same time (I unfollowed her before this for a wholly different reason, and while I've watched her videos about Illuminaughty because they shared important information, I won't be refollowing her). I remember when she posted that video where she talks about an issue she had with a mysterious other, larger creator over fan accusations of copying. Apparently a lot of other folks had been able to figure out that she'd been talking about Illuminaughty. I had no clue.

Everyone is susceptible to being lied to. Because that's what happened here to viewers at the end of the day. They were lied to about who had actually authored the writing in those videos. We're all susceptible to it! No matter how smart or discerning you think you are. You have blind spots, you have subjects you're don't actually know that much about. And we are all inclined to trust people when they present themselves as knowledgable, because most people aren't lying about that.

And that's not a bad thing! It doesn't make you stupid or naive to trust people when they say they know what they're talking about.

This shit happens. It's always happened, it's always going to happen.

The solution isn't never be taken in by a liar. The solution is gathering information when someone you trusted is accused of lying, of being open to the possibility, of not taking it as a personal slight against you and acting accordingly.

Because that's the other thing: It's not about you. It's not a test to see how smart or naive you are. It's a wrong that's been committed. The only person who did anything wrong is the person who stole and lied. Not the people who were lied to.

You've been given information because it's important. These people have harmed the people they stole from. You have the information now, not so that you can use it as a cudgel against people who had supported them, or will having missed this whole dustup; but so that you can make the decision to not or stop supporting them. So that you have more tools to identify plagiarists in the future.

[gutzluvrrr]

hehehe back at it again

Alright so the origin for this story (I have no idea why I said origin) was that I really wanted to see someone write an izuru Kamakura x reader story where reader was like yumemi yumemite (best girl) from kakeguri only to come to the sad realization.. nobody wrote a story like that So im becoming my dream and writing it for myself (and all my other lovely izuru simps) (tell me why I wrote Simps and it auto corrected to Simpsonville..) Anyways I'mma shut up now with the boring origin and get on with the story 😚 (damnit I said origin again - modhiyoko after finishing the story)

Izuru Kamakura with a S/O that's like yumemi yumemite

p. s this is so long I almost fell asleep before finishing it

another p. s I'm so sorry for my masculine readers but the reader for today's story is female Sorry!

okay so for this we know that you are the shsl popstar (aka super high school level popstar)

(I added that because my idiotic self didn't know what shsl meant until a few months ago)

also rl quick I'mma define who yumemi yumemite is rl quick

(IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED KAKEGURI YET THERE ARE SPOILERS)

Yumemi yumemite is a popstar who only became a popstar because it was supposed to be a temporary hold until she became an actress but she realized that she went places she never thought she would have gone before by being a popstar (she actually said that in one episode) She realized that playing this character was really fun and worth much more then she thought she did hate her fans but even after getting exposed her fans still loved her but she has anger issues either way (like me 😘) so basically she's a batshit crazy popstar and you either love her or hate her because she's a Psycho but adorable (hope that explains it)

okay now I'm actually gonna start with the head cannons

(BTW this is all from my perspective and what I think would happen it's probably a little fannon instead of cannon

Starting off I'll say this everytime you were very interesting to him

on how you could hold up the sweet act for so long in front of a person who disgusts you

how you could fool everyone into thinking that you loved them when you absolutely loathed them

that caught his attention

what also caught his attention was your adorableness

but he could also perfectly see through all of that adorableness was anger and something not so sweet

(a lot of this next part is based off of the episode where yumemi goes up against her icon yukizome in a gamble)

he was for once surprised on how you would have the courage to break your own finger for an act

just to win a gamble

he was truly mesmerized by you

now this is relationship hcs

your anger issues where not a problem for him

he is very patient and is amazing at calming you down

(when she gets mad she litterly flips over tables in her dressing room)

so if you made a mess like this after helping you calm down like he would cuddle you and play with your hair of gently kiss you and bring you somewhere more quiet and alone (probably his dorm or something)

he would help you calm down more there

but he would refuse to leave you alone

he won't leave until your calm because he doesn't want you to go through something like that alone

and after your calmed down he would go back and help put every thing back in its place

if you tried to apologize for acting up

he would immediately shut it down and reassure you it's alright and not your fault for getting angered easily

also if your having trouble with stalker or creepy fans you got a bodyguard by your side

all in all this man loves you very much whether or not your a pretty little Psycho

I got one last little thingy for y'all hehe

am I going to tell you what it is NOPE it's a surprise one shot

(here's a hint if your a girl who loves flowers you'll love this oneshot)

One of yours shows was about to start and you where a nervous wreck why? because this is the first show your boyfriend izuru Kamakura was going to be at but even through all that nervousness you stepped on that stage ready to perform this wasn't a gamble show just one of your usual concerts but you were even more nervous about this rather then your gambles

but your going to give it your all

after the show

Hearing all of the people in the audience giving their applause you gave a bow and said your usual thanks for everyone coming walking into your dressing room you got a text from your boyfriend izuru Kamakura

izuru: I have something for you

you: oh?.. what is it?

just then you heard a knock on your dressing room door your assistant offered to get it but you did instead you open it to find izuru Kamakura standing outside your door holding something

you were very nervous on his thoughts on the show but you were still curious about what he had for you

hello ízuru you smiled at him walking out the dressing room closing the door behind you

he didn't reply but he did hand you something

a bouquet of [insert favorite flowers]

you blushed at it then looked up him

he then spoke softly "I got these because there not only as beautiful as you but now I realized their also beautiful like your singing"

you were about to say something before he continued

"don't doubt if when I say you truly are beautiful and might I say adorable when you smile after your performance how you are so full of energy on stage how you don't fail to thank everyone for being there... it's seems I have found myself falling more and more Inlove with you each time you show me a new side of you" he said then smiled a bit before placing a kiss on your lips

i-izuru you said tumbling your words not being able to even tell if you were still awake

you felt like you were going to collapse or melt from all the sweetness

he pulled you into a hug once he noticed your blushing form leaning forward

"don't faint dear" he chuckled

I can't it's to sweet you replied

"you think this is sweet I'm just merely showing the surface of sweetness because -" he cut off before leaning down to whisper in your ear before continuing

"I have a lot more sweetness saved for you later tonight"

EEEEEEEK I hope this was a good enough make up for the last story I half assed.

who wants a NSFW part two? just me? alright 🥲

stay spooky-modhiyoko

[caramialunaestelle]

@the-ultimate-muses sent:

"I have brought him, my dearest heart." The 'him' in question being a Kazuichi that had been kicking and screaming the entire way Gundham had carried him to the nurses office, but had since tired himself out somewhere between wiggling himself from his initial position over the breeder's shoulder to near the whole way down his back, only his legs held under Gundham's arm keeping him from hitting the floor, and his hands being tied behind his back by Gunnie's scarf. Gundham himself was also looking a bit fatigued, but he'd handled far bigger and more rowdy animals than a man who was trying to escape a tetanus vaccination. Plopping their crying boyfriend onto a cot, he was still trying to wiggle out of Gundham's grasp as his coveralls were unzipped and shucked down an arm enough so Mikan could reach his bicep. "Noooooo, guys come on!! I-I'll be extra careful when I work!! And- A-And I'll stop using duct tape as a bandaid, and I'll come right to Mikan when I get hurt!!" Please don't make him get a shot, he hated needles, he hated them. After what happened to his mom, how couldn't he? Gundham, though trying to remain unaffected as he held Kaz still by the shoulders, had visable strain on his face, hearing the mechanic beg like he was. "Kazuichi, please. You know this needs to be done. I've received injections from the white mage myself, and I felt nary a thing, her skill is so high." Was he telling the truth? That was for Gundham to know, and Kazuichi to find out. What Gundham didn't know, was that he himself would soon be at Mikan's mercy in the form of a much needed blood test, having once let slip his frequent issues with untreated anemia. //yes hi mikan? your boyfriends are medical Disasters pls help them dshfsk

Unprompted Asks || Always Accepting!

A slight pink flush tinted Mikan's cheeks as Gundham gave her the pet name. But her focus immediately locked on to Kaz as he was placed on the nearest cot and stripped down so his arm was exposed. She could tell he was panicking and extremely nervous about this, but she was used to dealing with people afraid of needles. This would be a piece of cake.

"Kazuichi," Mikan began, leaning over him. "It's g-gonna be okay. I promise I won't h-hurt you. But if y-you don't get a tetanus shot y-you'll get very sick. I don't w-want to see you sick..." She made sure to put of the puppy dog eyes and pout a little.

"I-it's like Gundham said, I'll b-be very quick and y-you won't feel a thing!" She continued to explain, now prepping the syringe with the vaccine. "Let's m-make it more c-comfortable fo you, okay?"

She turned to Gundham and pointed out the pillows on the other cots. "Can y-you grab a few more pillows, please?"

She turned back to Kaz again. "Kaz, close your eyes and h-hug one of the pillows with your free arm, okay? Now I w-want you to tell me all about your day. Or a-anything you want to talk about, okay? Tell me again about y-your favourite machines. I always like h-hearing you talk about them."

As she spoke, she gently swabbed his bicep with an alcohol wipe.

[spacecadetspe]

A snippet from last year...

Jul. 22, 2023

I called Vassilios before I took my ire out on anyone, and I'm glad I did.  The infirmary has taken on a new batch of healers, and they are training on various dreamers.  I was one of the guinea-pigs.  I was told that the dreaming itself went according to plan, but I had unprocessed emotions that rose up and demanded to be processed before anyone could act.  In the climax of my anxiety, I injured myself and jerked awake.  Nobody's fault.

I spent the next day and a half resting and exploring the layout of the grounds.  I told Fortitude that I could teleport just about anywhere in the Dream World, but if asked I likely couldn't find any particular location on a map.

Night before last, I returned from my rounds to face the east wing, where the kitchen and the master quarters are.  Dimitrios had created perhaps the most beautiful pastries I had ever seen, in colors I thought might have emerged from a glassblower's shop rather than a patisserie.  

I felt dirty, wet, and generally out of place for such a gathering, but I accepted a champagne flute and paused to chit-chat with the oneiroi.  I'm not sure if my hesitation to socialize stemmed from my recent issues with bereavement and insecurity... or if I was just feeling underdressed and feeling gross from working.

Regardless, I got to spend a little time looking around, getting my bearings a bit at a time.  The kitchen is almost directly below my quarters, and it's twice as large, I think.  Everything is so much bigger than I imagined it to be, including Dimitrios' pastries!  Each one could fill both hands; the size of a massive hamburger, and filled with what I think was a Swiss creme.

Unfortunately, there were few updates for me.  Vassilios brought me a petition from the prophetic faction to allow Orpheus more unlimited access to the Dream World.  Now that things have calmed down, I stamped the petition with my signet, with a few conditions that I think won't cause too much of a fuss.  The other document was a progress report on Hermes, who seems to be doing pretty well, all things considered.

But it couldn't last.  I went back to the infirmary, and perhaps that was a bad idea.  The dreamlings just don't know how to finish out invasive dreams like the ones I continue having, so I keep waking up early and in pain. 

 Last night, I dreamed W was dying.  I cradled his little-boy body as his breathing slowed, and I was told that it would only be a few minutes.  I rocked him helplessly, trying to keep from creating rug burn on any of his exposed skin.  I know what it was; just a growing compilation of worry for my son and the grief that continues to pile up in my psyche.

I'm not worried that my son will die; I should hope that would be pretty clear.  But if these dreams continue to get worse... I'm pretty sure I won't want to go back to sleep.  I'm not sure what to do at this point.  Fortitude says I can call on anyone I like; Echidna or any of the other three-or-so thousand nightmare siblings.  I miss Phobetor, but I don't want to pressure him into being somewhere he doesn't want to be, or make him feel trapped... all of which I suspect would just end with me getting yelled at again.

Why am I so scared of this?  A former version of me would say it's because I care about him, and I don't want him to be mad at me, but I think that might qualify as a "red flag."  If I'm really that scared of what someone's going to say, then does that mean I should really put trust in that person?

At this point, I'm kind of numb.  I got up at dawn today, like I haven't in awhile, and went to the farmer's market to try and make the best of a bad night.  I came home a little more than an hour later and got back into bed, but I couldn't sleep.  I'm not sure if my chakras are still broken, or I still need to "cry it out" or whatever, but... being under that heavy gray comforter was somehow just what I needed to get through the day.

I'll take Fortitude's advice and reach out to Ikelos, who I have a contract with.  Perhaps he'll be able to help... or maybe he'll have some insight I haven't heard yet.  Either way, I'm going to try to go back to Yiorgos for another massage.  I haven't slept that well in a long time, and I need to make it a regular thing.

[themomsandthecity]

Postpartum Snapback Culture Is Toxic, So Modern Latina Moms Are Doing Away With It

Growing up, I didn't feel beautiful, and that was primarily due to how I felt about my body. I was a chubby kid, and my family didn't hesitate to make comments about it, with some calling me chunko-city. They insisted it was all out of cariño (love) and not meant to be harmful, but their words made me feel even more insecure about my body. I'm glad I can laugh about it now. But, when I gave birth to my first child at the age of 30, I still carried those body insecurities with me, and that little chubby girl came out of the shadows. When I entered college at 17, the baby fat was shedding and what was exposed underneath was an hourglass frame often associated with "the stereotypical sexy Latina." My small waist, big hips, and bubble butt started to attract attention from both men and women, and I liked it. Up until then, I was the little cute chubby one in my family. As I shed that image, I never wanted to return to it. But I did, and this time it was even more mentally taxing and so much harder to shed the physical weight I gained. After all, I had given birth to a baby and the transformation my body went through was something I was not prepared for at all. I was 30 years old and had just given birth to my first child at a birthing center - no drugs and all-natural. Although I was in labor for 27 hours, having my little girl was the most beautiful experience I had ever had at that point in my life. It was the first time I had an out-of-body experience, which set me on a journey deep into my spirituality. However, I wasn't prepared for what pregnancy did to my body. The emotional toll was deep. All the insecurities I had as a little chubby girl flooded my mind, and I slipped into depression. But with a beautiful newborn in my arms, I wasn't supposed to be feeling anything but joy and happiness, right? As I balanced being a first-time mother, who breastfed my baby girl for the first year of her life, I was also figuring out how to love myself in this new, wider, softer, and heavier frame. It didn't help that some people in my family still had comments, just as they did when I was that little chubby girl. During one family visit shortly after I had my daughter, my grandfather greeted me by laughing and saying, "You look like a Christmas tree." He was commenting on how my waist and upper body stayed slim, but my hips and butt had widened more than ever before. I won't ever forget how much his laugh hurt my feelings, and even though I snapped back with my little indirect dig about his big belly, it didn't make me feel any better. I was an entertainment reporter at the time, which included writing many stories about celebrity women bouncing back physically only weeks after giving birth. The stories I had to write about celebrity women walking the red carpet with snatched waists and nice butts two weeks after having a baby were so toxic for me, and I'm sure for other women reading the stories as well. That's why writing this personal essay is so important to me now. I want women to know they are not alone, and that the snapback culture portrayed in the media is not realistic. And it turns out I'm not the only Latina who's struggled with this. Stephanie Ferreira shares with POPSUGAR that she too experienced body image issues as a child, which affected her during and after pregnancy. While the weight gain during the pregnancy was challenging to deal with mentally, Ferreira says she did find the transformation of her belly beautiful. The real struggle came for her after the baby was born, and social media didn't help. "You have certain expectations because of the many women that post about their body postpartum and it looks like their bodies didn't change," she says. "I still looked pregnant. I was very swollen from my C-section. It was very difficult and I avoided the mirror the first few days to not fixate on it too much." In addition to self-imposed pressures, the stress of… https://www.popsugar.com/family/latinas-are-finding-postpartum-snapback-culture-toxic-49332739?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=tumblr

[notyourparentstherapist]

Post Therapy Session Thoughts

I have been seeing my therapist for over three years now. This is the longest I have ever worked with anyone. It has been very challenging as there have been times where I just want to quit.

I have quit before. There comes a time in my therapy sessions where the therapist finally tries to get us to talk about past stuff. I never want to go there. I only want to talk about current stuff because that's where I live. I then get filled with panic and never return.

This one has been different. For once I tried a male therapist. I was nervous about it. Something with female therapists was not working and there is a deficit of non-binary and openly queer therapists.

I picked him because on his psychology today profile he mentioned he was more into longer term work and I found that to be different.

I really struggle with therapy as a consumer. I don't struggle as the provider. Being a provider has clear boundaries, rules, expectations, and I am a HUGE nerd for psychological theory and for conversing and helping people.

When I am the client I feel exposed, vulnerable, and often don't know how to act, what to say, or what to do in sessions. I loose track of what the boundaries, rules, and expectations are. I feel so confused.

We have talked about a lot of things over the years. He knows more about my past than anyone should. My partner has often expressed jealously that N gets to hear about all this stuff. Yet, its is so painful. It is such a huge ask for me to sit there three times a week and dredge stuff up and then struggle with being stable. It feels like such a slow agonizing process and I feel so bad for the therapist. I often say I don't like talking about it because if it was too much for me to handle then how do I know it won't be too much for him too.

He is very kind, gentle, and non-judgmental. His background is in traditional psychoanalytic therapy however he went to a school I am familiar with. His style is a lot more non-direct and more open ended. Which some of us HATE HATE HATE. However I logically, as a provider and therapist, understand why it is so important to finally have a space where I do control what's going on.

He does not tell me how to feel or think. He only reflects back what I have said. Which gets very annoying sometimes. I will ask for direct feedback. "Do I have this dx? Do I really have DID or some other dissociative thing? Do other people have to worry about incongruencies in presentation of mannerisms and behaviors?"

He will always say. "well, what are your thoughts on that?"

And then off I will go for a few minutes. It does make me mad sometimes that he isn't direct with me about the clinical issue however why am I even buying into it anyways. Diagnosis does not change the treatment anyways.

I feel like it is part of the trap I am setting. It is a part of my reptation compulsion. My reality was so controlled by someone else all the time. I was programed to feel and think in certain ways or not to think and feel. I was not in control of how other people saw me. So now I seek out relationships that do just that. I seek boundaries, rules, and expectations everywhere.

The therapist (I think) does not want to fall into that so I can learn to navigate my own identity away from the trauma. Finally step into providing boundaries, rules, and expectations for myself because I or We want them. Not because someone else imposed it.

That's my interpretation anyways because he SO GOOD at dodging direct questions. I have given him some flak for it. I often say the relationship is the most important healing part of therapy and not knowing anything about him other than the school he went to for graduate school and that he has a cat is very annoying. Again, professionally I GET WHY. However that does not mean some of us don't respond well to it. I have expressed how some of us feel that its really unfair that the expectation is for me to discuss all these issues and intimate details about my life and I get NOTHING from him. I think it is honestly triggering and a part of why sticking with him for longer term work is important.

I am used to being used I have told him. So the fact that this is not the case here is uncomfortable and important work. He is good at his job. Most of us like him which is a unique experience. I have thought about quitting before. Firring him or what ever. But I actually would feel really bad about it. He has invested a lot of time and effort to help keep us safe and to be available when I have needed it. Which is also new for me. I am used to solving my own shit and not discussing it.

Anyways, this is what was on my brain post therapy this morning. This is not what I actually discussed in therapy but usually that content does not sink in for a bit. Delayed processing is a thing mostly so I can now work as a therapist for the rest of the day. My stuff goes away while the therapist part fronts for the day.

[stirdrawsandreblaws]

alright i was originally a lot nicer but now that i've actually looked at your blog and decided i don't have much time to entertain conspiracy theorists today, here are a few points i refuse to let go unaddressed:

By manmade poisons i mean synthetics and things designed to poison people, undermining their health and lowering their quality of life, shorting their lives and killing many, synthetics are basically incompatible with life and inherently a poison.

things designed to poison organisms are definitely poison, sure. synthetics, however, are anything manmade. this category includes clothing and cooked food, neither of which are "inherently poison".

By immune i mean when exposed your body is capable of mitigating what you are exposed to and preventing a severe or otherwise common negative response.

immunity in the context of the poll means It Does Not Affect You At All Whatsoever. i figured that would be clear since there is no immune system response for, say, chain letter curses.

When exposed to viruses, bacteria, allergens, poisons, etc in my experience i have an extremely minimal response that is resolved very quickly if it is even noticeable at all.

allergens won't usually do anything unless you're already sensitive to them. if you have a natural immunity to rabies or poison dart frogs though, please consider getting examined for the benefit of humanity.

Fear or worry of the opinions of others isn’t something i find myself concerned with either.

i am inclined to disbelieve this based on the rest of your response

[...]most people don’t even like themselves why do you care if they like you.

i'm sorry you don't like yourself but consider that might actually not be an issue "most people" share, and may in fact be key to how easily you fall into conspiracy thought.

i could go on about the fact that plant growth has exploded due to rising co2 and how any (unlikely) die-offs would merely be a return to prior baselines since animals and volcanoes produce enough co2 on their own to maintain all plant life currently on earth, or what GMOs actually constitute, or the discrete line between active and passive, but i suspect it would be a massive waste of time.

instead, i will simply encourage you to learn more, stop listening to alex jones, and challenge your biases, because holy shit "judaism is part of the cult of saturn" and "transgender people existing is a jewish conspiracy" are statements which are completely divorced from reality, and show just how sad and narrow your worldview currently is

i wish you good luck in becoming less of a human cesspit. o/

[jocatsidy]

I am the anon from earlier. First of all: thank you for responding so soon and with so much detail. As for my response, I would like you to please publish it even if you don't answer.

I don't see how cricitizing people is outdated, especially in the age of cancel culture, I'm sorry. Even if it is, I still think it needs to be encouraged, though in a more comprehensive way rather than the aggressive and sometimes nuance-less way of cancel culture. Some will carry on doing wrong no matter what they're told, but to put it very bluntly: if I manage to put enough pressure on a group of people with a fetish I'm against (to the point of making them hide it), they will still do it in private, but at least I'm sure they won't parade it around for my kids to see (and possibly even get groomed into), does that make sense? Kink culture has been normalized over the past few years due to a mindset that is much too open-minded and not critical enough, and as a result, many have been exposed to things they shouldn't have (mainly underage people). I could go on about the issues of kink culture (such as the man who go away with murdering a woman with the excuse of "it was just BDSM gone wrong", or how apparently there's no real safe way to choke, etc.) but that would divert the conversation topic. To get back to fat fetishism: I personally have nothing against plus-size and I even find it attractive if it's not excessive, but I dislike the way you speak of it, especially bed-bound; it's a life of pain and hardship, it shouldn't be romanticized. Real-life bed bound people curse their lives to hell. I am against your fetish because it's deadly. I've suffered from a deadly illness not too long ago - I survived, but I am crushed by guilt to this day because I worried my loved ones sick (I know it's not my fault, but I can't help but feel bad for the sadness I indirectly caused). I'm not trying to earn pity points, but I am trying to say that I don't get how you can put yourself or another in danger when some of us lose their lives in the most unfair ways, especially if you actively worry your loved ones. I don't get how one can toy around with their health knowing they are cherished by family and friends. I don't care that adults consent; that's like saying "anorexics consent to self-starvation so it's fine" or "suicidal people choose to off themselves so it's fine". Wanting something doesn't make it good, and to allow anything as long as it's masked by enthusiasm is pure anarchy (the truly outdated mindset, in my opinion). I'd even go as far as to say a lot of individuals with extreme kinks should question themselves, as there is always a psychological background to our desires and it might be an indicator of trauma (not always, but more often than not). Even if they use kinks to cope, it shouldn't have to be the case for them to be at peace, it's not a substitute for therapy. As for who I am to judge right and wrong: there are indeed ethical conflicts which raise this question due to their abiguous morals, but I don't think there is that much doubt to have when it comes to extreme kinks. I just want to clarify that I am not anti-kink (in fact, I have some myself), but the way you talk about overweight people rubs me the wrong way due to it coming off as objectifying

"if I manage to put enough pressure on a group of people with a fetish I'm against (to the point of making them hide it), they will still do it in private, but at least I'm sure they won't parade it around for my kids to see (and possibly even get groomed into), does that make sense?" No, this makes no sense at all. This is the same reasoning toward homosexuality that mainstream America had in the 20th century and it's an awful way to live. Also, I state this as a relay from gainer community to public venue: We don't want to expose ourselves. Trust me, people in our community who bravely take interviews or show themselves in media get REAL backlash from the rest of the community who don't want their sexual life put on stage as a freak show for "normal people." But there is a lot about our community drama that needs work... "especially bed-bound; it's a life of pain and hardship, it shouldn't be romanticized. Real-life bed bound people curse their lives to hell. I am against your fetish because it's deadly." This point, I actually have to say that you are right. I also have to say that the gainer community knows this as well and has processed it to hell and back. There is no joy to be taken at people who didn't want life in a bariatric bed, who have food addictions and their bodies are failing. For myself even as an encourager, to have a partner of this size I know it would be toil, it would be hard, it would be not glamorous at all. So I'll relay another peak into the gainer world: Immobility to most of us is a fantasy and rarely any gainer who makes it there, ever stays there. Not because they're killing themselves but because their priorities change and they want to live differently. Gainers are in total autonomy of their bodies. They work so hard to be fat and be healthy at the same time and yes, it is quite possible. And I didn't want to throw this comparison into the mix (since fat and weight has been so toxically brainwashed as a health concern into the world) but are we not entitled to the right of being in the body we want to be in? Can the same be said about Trans rights? No matter how dangerous it seems, it's just apart of us. A gainer wants to be able to feel comfortable in their birth right skin and flesh. And that is something even the Fat Acceptance community has been fighting for way more publicly than us. We know when to stop, when to say yes and when to say no. It's not anarchy, it's self and community control to a level that most people don't even get. I'm glad that you have made it past a hard and frightening time with your illness, sincerely. We have lost our own hearts of the community over here, but we can say that we weren't ashamed to live life to our truest selves. That's all we're trying to do. To be healthy and happy as we can bearing a lust that most people will judge without listening to us. Everyone in the world lives with a chance of death, and sometimes it just happens to us without a reason (i.e. getting hit by a bus). Gainers and encouragers face these fears... but we go on living. Since these have been posted, I hope you read the voices of people that don't usually get a word in. Mostly because people come in trying to defend them, save them, protect them from imaginary predatory encouragers/chasers that will chew them up and spit them out. And hopefully, everything that I've written here proves that I am not that kind of person. That everything I've written shows how much I don't 'just' objectify the people I'm attracted to. I'm a guy that makes drawings... and I'm a guy that wants people to be healthy, happy and true to themselves in whatever way they can. I will post this to your wishes, but I won't be posting anymore from here on. There really isn't much else I can say in this back and forth, though I do appreciate the time spent analyzing despite how exhausting it is. I get a lot of people saying these things to me and I can't keep writing paragraph after paragraph to try and explain it. If I didn't convince you, then please kindly go back to the part of the

internet you want to be in. I wish for your happiness and health too.

[starryyyjoon]

I, you | Kim Namjoon One Shot

word count: 8.2k

pairing: idol!namjoon x fem reader

summary: namjoon meets you again and he can't help but want you to look at him the same way he has all these years.

disclaimer: it's sort of written from y/n pov. kind of smut included, not too much but still. other then that, i don't think there's anything. it was written a long time ago so i don't clearly remember, sorry!

Namjoon walked in, followed by a few staff members and they occupied the empty chairs on the conference table and I smiled at him and the others. He looked great like always, he was in a navy blue hoodie and a khaki colored trouser, with his hair pushed backwards exposing his forehead.

There was something and nothing between me and him and it was too tiring to play pretend. "You look good", he remarked and I smiled at him. He's always being too kind, I looked like absolute shit, I hadn't slept in three days and my clothes were whatever was in my reach that I'd put on after showering and I rushed here.

I had met him before this level of success but I was merely an assistant director myself and we'd talked about Monet and his work together, he'd similar interests to mine but both of us didn't really get anywhere because of our timing and I believed it was for the good. He'd always expressed how he liked my vision and wants to work with me on something and I didn't believe my vision because what even was my vision that he could see and not me and after being this big I didn't really thought he'll even remember me until he hit my phone one day and here I was, at the label's office to discuss the details of his mixtape's music video.

"So, do you've something in mind?", I asked him and he pressed his back on the chair letting out a yawn, he seemed tired.

"Not really! I want it simplistic and not too hard to understand. I haven't thought about it or anything so I don't know, I would await what you propose", he softly said.

"I haven't heard the track because of--", he intervened, "--ah you haven't? You should hear it first", he said and I nodded.

"I would need to hear it", I told him, thinking about the lengthy talks with the illustrator already.

The staff then pin pointed about the budget, the do nots and other details and two of my team members who were seated beside me talked thoroughly in detail about the technicalities. Namjoon looked bored with all the talk that didn't interest him. He wasn't much different from before slightly bigger.

All of us stood up coming to an agreement when Namjoon asked me to walk up to his studio to hear the track and I asked my team members to go ahead first. I walked through the dark corridor behind him while he talked to someone on the phone, all the way to his studio. I didn't really hear what he was talking because I was invested in staring around the place like I hadn't seen a building before.

The walls were all dark and a comforting shade since I didn't like the sun anyway. It seemed like a night mode in real life.

His studio was the corner most, he typed the passcode in and stood aside gesturing for me to walk in, followed by him. He hung up the phone call and put his phone aside, switching the AC on. He sat behind the monitor while he switched it on and I went through my inbox.

"So, how have you been?", his deep tone, made me look up and I fidgeted to put my eyes on something other then him while he turned his chair around to face me.

"I have been okay-ish, like the projects I'm doing I'm satisfied with them so I guess it's kinda okay", I said and regretted it immediately, I don't even talk like this and he knows it.

"Not the work c'mon, you, your boyfriend, family, other things?", a lose smile hung on his lips and I looked at him. How can someone look like that?

"No boyfriend because you know no one can put up with this profession. I haven't slept in three days so I'm fucking annoyed and the work is too much that I don't have time for other things", I shrugged and he chuckled. I didn't want to think about guys, I barely had time for myself. Filmmaking was a time bound profession.

"I relate, trust me I do", he turned his chair back around, his eyes on the computer screen and I looked at him. I could see why he could relate, I mean of course he didn't had time either. I knew idol schedules enough to know how these things go. "Why didn't you come that day?", he asked me and my insides twisted.

"I was hoping you don't bring it up", I said in a small voice.

"Why not? I waited for you", he said without looking at me and I threw my head back on the couch thinking of the time when he'd asked me out officially and I didn't make it. "At least I deserve to know what was more important that you didn't make it", he looked at me and I closed my eyes shut.

"I had a flight, I got an exclusive food show travel experience with discovery and it was too good for an opportunity to miss", I let it out and took a breath in. I knew I could never leave work for a guy, any guy, or anyone as a matter of fact and as much as I'd thought about it on the plane...it all seemed for the better. He wasn't the kind of guy I could've had my regular thing with and I was too young to be serious.

"It was a good show", he told me. I could feel his eyes on me and I didn't flinch. I didn't regret it but his words made me feel guilty. My head was on the headrest of the sofa I sat on and my eyes were closed. My subconscious could feel his curious gaze on me.

"Look away Namjoon", I said and I could feel his gaze was still on me.

"Why didn't you call me when you got back?", he asked me and I looked at him.

"I didn't because our cultures differ, everything is poles apart--what's the point of discussing it now?", I asked him, slightly annoyed. He and I separately needed to focus on our careers and he knew it too damn well.

"Okay", he turned around again as his monitor showed a circle indicating that the programme he'd launched was loading. "It does makes me feel better that my better position in life doesn't changes your opinion on me. Quiet comforting", he said, with a hint of sarcasm in his voice but I chose to ignore it. The last thing I'd be doing is fueling this feeling in him by discussing this useless thing which wouldn't make any difference whatsoever.

"Is this the reason you wanted me to do this project with you?", I asked him and he swiftly turned his chair around.

"No, I don't take all this for granted. I love the stuff you do. I'm pretty updated thanks to how active you're on your social media", he smiled and I couldn't shook the thought of seeing my psychotic episodes on my Instagram, Twitter...everywhere. I'm pretty weird out there.

"I love it, the stories", he flased his dimple smile before turning his chair around again and I felt his warmth, like he meant what he said.

For a second I was taken aback with how tall he was from me and how good he looked, he'd always looked good but he was more mature now and much more reserved. "I'll be calling you often because I won't send it for pre-production without your say on the concept", I told him.

"I'll look forward to a lot of calls", he said. "I'm sorry this is taking a while", he added quickly and for some reason I couldn't look away from him, whose back was visible to me.

"No, take your time", I said, crossing my arms against my chest. I really wished he was a regular guy just making music but then I didn't. I wouldn't want someone to wish that for me. He'd earned all of it and I knew it.

"Look away ___", he said slowly. I could feel his grin through his words and I looked away shaking my head right and left softly. "It's, yeah it's playing", he turned around as the music filled in the empty atmosphere.

It was a slow song with a really fast rap. It was how Namjoon was, he contradicted himself too much. I instantly knew it was his writing from the way the words went and the wordplay came into role. I couldn't help but analyze the song because I was supposed to shoot and sketch a music video for it and at times like this I didn't really get to enjoy the art for the art and I hated it.

"How was it?", he asked me, his eyes fixated on me as the music faded. I wanted it to last.

"The only problem with it is that it ends", I flashed a smlie at him and he shook his head throwing it back.

"That's too corny even for you", Namjoon rolled his eyes but I was being serious. "You know I appreciate heavy critics", he said.

"I didn't find anything to criticize, the writing is great, the composition fits and it has a catchy vibe to it. I think I would listen a song like that on a drive or something? In your case a bicycle but yeah! It's a good song", I summarized my opinion. "Do you like want a trendy video?", I asked him.

"Anything that you want to do with it", he said and I gently nodded. Since it was given to me, I couldn't stop thinking about what to do with it.

"Can you stop thinking about it while you're with me ___?", he chuckled and I looked at him taken aback for a second and then nodded with a soft smile pasted on my lips.

"Your fashion sense has improved", I remarked.

"You look casual", he teased me.

"I, I've no fashion sense. I just wear whatever is there", I told him.

"I don't think so, your Instagram says different", he said.

"It's for the show Namjoon", I said.

"You're really not the type to do that, please don't deceive me", he beamed before he turned his chair around again to minimize the current tabs on the computer.

"You're the last person I'd be deceiving--", my words were cut from an incoming call from one of the producers of one of the shows I was working on. "I need to take this", I told him and answered the call while he just gave me a gentle nod in response.

The producer had informed me about the issues related to casting and the final draft of the script and I knew I had to go.

"Guess I'll see you later, bye", Namjoon said warmly as he smiled at me. The thing was he just knew and that always stuck somewhere.

"Bye", I left.

________________

"I, for one, disagree. C'mon how do you even call it an end?", I threw my hands in the air as we discussed it for the millionth time. I liked Su-ho but his thoughts on GOT made me want to kill him. He is the only person I knew who was satisfied with how it ended.

"I think it was okay, c'mon, you have to consider that the novels didn't end and as compared to that I think it was pretty good", Su-ho claimed while he sat on the bean bag in front of me, pushing it comfortably.

"Don't even start with the novels--", my words were interrupted with the sound of the doorbell, "--they didn't even do a good job interpreting it and I am offended by that. Look there novels", I pointed at my bookshelf, showing him my GOT collection which he knew as I opened the door and my head bumped against Namjoon's chest as he took a step in.

He chuckled as he held the back of my head with one hand and pressed my forehead with the other and rubbed it gently to ease the pain.

"What's uh, what's that? Is it iron", I mocked, pointing at his chest while he let me go from his grip and took his shoes off.

"It can be", he said. "But why were you jumping around so enthusiastically?", he asked me as he seated on the couch in front of Su-ho, as he greeted him and Su-ho greeted him back.

"Game of Thrones heavy discussions", I sighed. "This is Su-ho who's illustrating the storyboard", I told Namjoon.

Su-ho was starstruck and it seemed like it'd take him a good minute to recover and Namjoon was obviously used to it. I didn't call him at the office because a lot of people would want to see him then and it could be exhausting plus he'd a time limit on his hands.

"You know him, ___?", Su-ho widened his eyes at me and I nodded, suppressing my laughter seeing his chaotic ass behave like this.

"A little", I said and I could feel Namjoon's gaze on me. "Maybe a lot", I rephrased. I could see by the way Su-ho looked at me that he needed answers. "Coffee?", I asked Namjoon.

"Oh yeah", he replied and I stood up. "I've thought of two concepts, Su-ho please brief him on it and if you want anything differently Namjoon, you can tell him", I told him as I marched towards the kitchen.

Should I use the regular coffee mugs or should I use the better ones? I mean it doesn't matter anyway but still, it kind of does? I don't know. It just comes to me, the over thinking.

Ah.

I could hear him and Su-ho talking about the concepts faintly and I was low-key proud because I did work hard on them. I opened the cabinet to take out the better coffee mugs.

This is what happens when you stop drinking milk and stop growing up. I rested my hands on the kitchen pavement thinking about how many shoes with heels I'd because of my height.

I wasn't very short but I wasn't my desired height too. It was sad. I was the right person to sell the tonics concerning height because my insecurity would make me buy it. I exhaled heavily and turned around to find Namjoon behind me.

"Let me", my hips pressed against the marble pavement while his body gently pressed against my front, I could spot the mole on his neck while he calmly took the box of mugs out. "Okay?", he whispered softly and I looked on without responding.

"Thanks", I told him, hoping he'd get away from me because this had me feeling some type of way. I won't admit what type of way. That makes it worse.

"Anytime", he clicked his lips, taking a few steps back as I stirred the coffee and poured it in three cups. Should've used regular ones.

"I like the quotes on that wall", he said as I handed him his cup, taking the other two. A wall of my house was covered in post-it notes and other stuff. Some print outs of Van Gogh and Frida's works alongside other things.

"Yeah that? Thanks", I said, as I gave the cup to Su-ho. "Did you decide on something?", I asked, as I sat down and Namjoon just beside me.

"Yeah, the first one. It was kind of okay, he made some alterations so I would send it to you by...maximum tomorrow", Su-ho told me. "But why did you call him here for just this?", he asked me.

"You seem so concerned about his whereabouts", I glared Su-ho . "I told him I could just email him but he insisted on doing it in person", I looked at Namjoon who took a long sip from his coffee.

"Yeah I did, don't worry I was absolutely free", Namjoon smiled at Su-ho and I could see Su-ho fanboy-ing.

"You're so in line today", I pressed my words.

"Shut up", Su-ho eyed me. I wrapped my hands around the coffee mug feeling its warmth.

After I talked to Namjoon for a while about the shoot and he explained to me about their company procedure and how they usually did things. I didn't like doing music videos or commercials, there's a lot of time you're bound by what the music video demands and you've to stick with that so that was that. I usually preferred either cinema like movies or dramas, I hadn't done much but I had done a few and travel shows were my preference.

"I'll see you next time then", Su-ho politely remarked looking at Namjoon and he smiled and gently bowed his head. I walked with him up-to the door. "I didn't, what the hell, you could've given me a heads up?", Su-ho whispered slowly to me as I leaned against the door.

"I didn't knew you were a fan", I said and he playfully hit me on my arm.

"I still can't believe it, you've to answer my hot questions next time", he said and I nodded.

"Okay okay", I closed the door shut behind me, taking a seat on the far side of the sofa me and Namjoon were seated on. He was scanning my bookshelf and I was looking at him.

"Literally 70% of it is fiction", he said. I read a lot of fiction and he read a lot of nonfiction.

"You should read fiction", I said and he looked at me slightly pissed.

"I do read fiction just not thar much", he pointed at my bookshelf. "If you've to recommend one, shoot", he said.

"Recommend, uh, the secrets of happiness", I said randomly and his face sunk in annoyance. "It's not a book talking about literal secrets of happiness, it has a story", I told him.

"Ah okay...I will try reading that. Let me take your copy", he said.

"No", I said back in a split second.

"I won't lose it, c'mon, ___", he said. I couldn't believe his testimony on not losing it.

"Fine, but it's annotated. You'll owe me big time if you lose it", I said and he nodded vigorously.

"Your place is great", he said looking around the house and I couldn't see why, I mean yeah maybe but not that I find it great if I think from his point of view.

"I'm barely here anyway. I pay rent for no reason", I kept the empty mug in my hand on the glass table in front of us.

"That was your friend though, Su-ho?", Namjoon asked as he kept his cup, followed by me.

"Oh yeah! I met him for work but then it's been a while since I know him, it's been years actually and he's a friend now", I said thinking about Su-ho. I don't know why I bothered explaining. It's been a good five years since Namjoon and I hadn't been in touch and there was a little catching up to do.

"You've always had a lot of friends, don't you", he sighed as he sat cross legged on the sofa facing me. I do have plenty friends honestly.

"Kind of", I shrugged. His gaze on me made me sit back in a more cautious way as I fixed my posture. "Namjoon...", I called out his name when the doorbell rung and I was irritated. "Give me a second", I stood up and walked up-to the main door.

It was my neighbor who's mother had left their house keys with me and he was here to take it back. He thanked me for keeping it and walked up to his own flat which was in front of mine.

I closed the door shut and Namjoon was standing by the balcony seeing a cactus I had grown since I couldn't grow any other plant because I was never home to take care of them in case.

"It's cute", he said as he picked the potted plant and stared at it for a little while and I stood behind him and watched him see it.

"You know your pupils dilate when you see plants", I said and he smiled to himself. He kept the cactus back in its resting place and stared at me. "What?", I asked him.

"You were going to say something", he said, his voice sounded deeper then usual for a second and I licked my bottom lip in haste.

"Oh that, you know the alterations you made? I will directly mail it to the staff and maybe cc you because it won't need a second check anyway. I've to get this done a little early since I've--", he turned towards me and I took a step back but there was barely any space and my back was pressed against the wall, "--what is it?", I asked but it came out as a whisper.

"Here", he dragged his index finger across my bottom lip and there was something on my lip. I didn't really see what was on there because of his presence so close to me. My heartbeat had fastened and I could feel it. Something I didn't want to feel.

"Thanks, I guess", I said slowly and he flashed his dimple smile at me and in that moment he seemed the opposite of the dominant he was a few seconds ago.

"Do you know you look really good?", he said, as his fingers ran across my ear touching the piercings one by one. I regretted having three all of a sudden. "And I didn't intended to do this but ___ I uh", he bent over a little, his lips a few inches away from my ear and his breath was falling on my neck.

"Namjoon", I said, trying to not look at him. I knew damn well I couldn't be able to control myself.

"Hmm", his voice was so small and I could feel goosebumps all over my neck. His gaze on me was strong and I had jitters in my stomach.

"I, uh--let's not okay", I put my hands on his shoulder as he pulled me more closer with a jolt and I gasped.

"Do you really not want to?", he asked me. It was a while since I was in this close proximity of someone like this but my subconscious kept telling me not to. "I don't understand what you find so undesirable about me", he took a few steps back and looked away.

What?

"Do you think I find you undesirable?", I asked him, pressing my lips suppressing my smile. I couldn't get how could he change roles in a span of few seconds.

"Yeah, it's pretty evident really", he sighed, looking at the the far side of the sky at the horizon and I saw him sulking.

"It's not that, are you fucking dumb? It's just you know you shouldn't start things you can't take care of", I said. For some reason I've always felt a little hesitant with him. "But you're desirable enough", I added.

"Sudden validation from you, ah", he clicked his lips in mockery and I felt bad. The last thing I wanted was to look like I was playing hard to get. I didn't feel competent enough in my heart. "Let me kiss you", he said, taking a few steps closer breaking the chain of my thoughts and I hated being so much in control and feeling a little out of place.

I was back to where I was a few seconds ago, me cornered and he put his lips on mine and my body automatically responded. He took over me in a second. My hands rested on his back and clutched the fabric. His hands travelled below my hips as he pulled me upwards and my legs wrapped around his waist. He didn't stop kissing me for one second and I didn't want him to, as he pressed his mouth harder on mine and I bit back a moan. I could feel the heat in my body and every vein seemed to electrify. He walked me up-to my bedroom like he knew which suddenly felt foreign to me as he laid me on the bed, breaking the kiss and I was breathless, panting for air.

I didn't had any resort in me to stop. I didn't want him to stop. I couldn't care more about whatever that had me concerned for a while. He watched me look at him and his lips curved in a smirk. "Should I stop?", he teased me taking a seat on the edge of the bed and I looked away from him to the right side, scoffing.

I pushed myself up, my hands at the hem of the lose white t-shirt I'd on and for a second I hesitated at the fact that he must've seen better flesh than mine but I pulled it upwards exposing myself in front of him as his eyes went everywhere. "Do you want to stop?", I asked him, as I crawled over to him. He didn't object as I sat on his lap and took his face in my hands. I looked in his eyes. He looked beautiful. I traced the outline of his skull, his jaw as I pushed his hair locks that were on his forehead behind. "Do you want to stop Namjoon?", I asked him again as he held me tight, giving me my answer.

He tugged at my neck with his mouth leaving a trail of gentle kisses down and I could feel my nipples startlingly prominent beneath the black lightweight bra I had on. I clutched his hair as he bit my neck suddenly and I gasped.

He pushed me on to him, nearer but there was barely any space for me to come close and I could feel him all over. He messily kissed me before groping my bottom and I-I cut a breath in. He would take turns and be gentler a second and rough the another. "Namjoon", I called out gasping which fueled him even more. He looked at me and smiled proudly at how he had me without doing much.

He flicked the straps of my bra shoving it down exposing my breasts and I could feel my nipples harden to the point it was painful. I wanted him. I wanted him to touch me, more. The way my body responded to his touch was almost funny, how quick, how wet.

I patiently unbuttoned his shirt and stripped it off of him while he looked at me with a gaze I couldn't quite make anything of, he just looked at me while he let me work on him. My hands touched his chest and my eyes examined his torso, his skin was warm and his gaze on me gave me confidence like he wanted me back as much I wanted him.

I was forgetting my own desperation for his touch as my hand traveled behind his back, trailing down to his spine and he looked at me as he cut a sharp breath in and I felt good seeing him giving in to me. His arms surrounded mine unclasping my bra in a second and he threw it off on the floor.

I half expected him to grab me and grope my breast but he swept me in his arms as his vaguely pink mouth pressed against mine and instead of hastily grabbing me, his mouth simply rested against mine and it was worse, much more intoxicating. I, on instinct coiled my arms against his neck.

As my tongue demanded entrance and he smiled before letting me, and in a second, roles were reversed, the romantic was gone. He took control and pressed his mouth harder on me with his thumb and finger pressing my nipple and my nails dug deeper in his neck. "Joon...", I on instinct called out, as I gasped for breath but he didn't let me.

He was hard against me and I grinded next to him which seemed to please him while he left my mouth, burning with a wanting for more while my sex clenched as he took control of my body putting his arms around my back and they were free to go anywhere. I wouldn't dare stop him.

A second later, he laid me on the bed and hovered over me before taking my shorts off in a whirl and pushed my underwear off me that it didn't seem reusable. I anticipated his actions but he pushed a thumb into my bottom without no warning and I clutched the sheets, a yell escaping my mouth. My fingers curled meanwhile his other arm grabbed my breast cupping it and a second later his forefinger and middle finger slipped inside of me and my grip on the sheets tightened.

"Shh", he hissed in my ear and I hadn't realized a moan had escaped my mouth. My whole body rocked in less then a minute and I couldn't control my voice, I gasped for breath and I moaned even louder then before. "I didn't take you for a screamer ___", Namjoon seemed amused while embarrassment washed over me as I laid exposed in front of him.

"Let me go down on you", I told him and he looked taken aback as I pushed myself up.

"Do you really want to?", he asked and I shifted closer to him, placing a gentle kiss on his lips.

"I would love to", I told him. "Do you want me to?", I asked him.

"Yeah, I mean yeah", he said when his phone rang echoing in the room and his face flushed into irritation as he looked at me and I nodded gesturing him to take it. He took it out of his pocket and answered it. With every word he spoke, his irritation grew. He hung up the phone call. "Where's the wardrobe?", he asked me and my eyes pointed behind him.

Namjoon opened my wardrobe and took out a very lose t-shirt of his choice from my stack of comfortable clothes. He held my arms and slipped the t-shirt on me, pulling me close. He stroked my face and he smiled in my face which forced me to smile as well.

"Am I suppose to expect something from you or should I forget this?", I asked him as his fingers tucked the few strands of my hair behind my ear.

"You're supposed to expect everything, don't dare forget it", he whispered in my ear, nibbling on it and I couldn't help but giggle. "I want to talk to you but I've to go now and I hate it", he smiled at me.

"Okay, go", I told him and he chuckled before letting me off him and he wore his shirt back on.

After seeing him off and taking a shower, I laid back on the couch in the living room thinking about everything that had happened. I didn't regret it, I wasn't thinking much about it anyway.

The guys I'd sex with or made out with, I disliked them because of their narcissism. I appreciated my ability to find guys that were a-grade assholes. I've always had this feeling that I am lacking in some sense with other people. I look normal, like I should but I get this insecurity when taking my clothes off.

I didn't knew what Namjoon thought about it and asking him would be weird. No one who knows me like him would think I am this insecure or anxious about this stuff but then a major part of it has to do with my aura, I guess?

________________

I took a bite of the sandwich that I held in my hand as I walked around the second set just nearby to the first one. I stood afar, taking a good look, even though the storyboard fits the sights I still need to frame out a rough sketch work in my head.

I took another bite staring at the beach and the path to it and then back to the set that we'd build up by man power. It was pretty accurate in my eyes but I wanted to hear from my assistant director.

I took the walkie talkie out from the pocket of my denim and pressed the centre button, "Jae-chan, where are you?"

In a second he reverted, "Ah sunbae I am near the gripper".

"Come to the road that leads to the beach", I said, before shoving the walkie talkie down in my pocket.

The sea met the sky at the far point of the horizon and how the world is full of these illusions which are not real we know but we still believe. After all there's beauty in things that you don't get. Vastness maybe?

Sea and sky — the two melancholic blues.

"Sunbae?", Jae Chan broke the chain of my thoughts and I glanced at him before looking at the sea. His breath was heavy, I could tell he ran here.

"You could have walked, Chan-ah", I said, smiling. He was really young and passionate about filmmaking but also a little silly. He's cute.

"Ah it's okay. Did you need something?", he asked politely and I shook my head. I liked the input of many people on the same thing, it showed the number of opinions that could centre around one thing that you make in a different context which is then perceived in another.

"Do you think this is accurate in terms of the story board?", I asked him and he seemed lost in thought.

"I would say slightly better because the storyboard is still animation and this is real so I would say better. I'm pretty sure it'll be good sunbae", he told me and I could feel a smile flush on my lips. "You are nervous, aren't you?", he asked me.

"Yeah", I wrinkled my nose, turning around to walk off. I patted Jae Chan's back and he started walking with me.

"You don't have to be, and oh, he's here", he said assuring me and I knew who he meant by he.

My mind automatically went to the day in my apartment. Namjoon had messaged me after but he got busier with his work and I am not a text-er plus I'd a lot of things to do before I left Korea. It was, I didn't knew anything and I didn't want to think about it. I hoped he'd pretend nothing happened, please. But I knew he won't.

I sighed and as I entered the main set, around the vanity and food truck, the manager and Namjoon's staff members greeted me. After that, I mean impractically I wanted earth to open and swallow me. Living is hard anyway.

I'd a flight on the weekend, I'd to pack and I'd to get new boots but I'm just dumb because I'm trying to think of other things. I need a new nail paint, do I? I looked at my nails which were painted black. Maybe grey?

"Sunbae?", Jae Chan shook me and I looked at him. He gestured me to look up front and Namjoon was right there looking like Namjoon.

"Hi", I awkwardly waved at him.

"Hi", he flashed his dimple smile at me. His dimple smile hits me.

"You can get the makeup and hair done, I've a few things to recheck", I excused myself. This is awkward. This is so awkward. I hate it.

Δ

Even though I had that awkwardness lingering around but we were nearing to the end of the shoot which went really good because everyone worked so hard. It was mostly one-takes and the lighting supported the whole setting making it so easier for us to finish.

Moreover, it was a while since I had done a music video so it felt good being back on a set like this. Namjoon looked really good with the styling and although I knew the outfits pre-shoot, he still looked better then I'd imagined him to look which enhanced the whole vibe of the music video. He owned earthly tones.

That's why casting and styling is so important. Very much. Makes a gigantic difference.

"What's wrong with you?", I didn't notice he was standing next to me with a small fan in his hands while we prepped for the last shot.

"What's wrong with me?", I asked him, as I adjusted the frame in the main camera. I didn't want this conversation especially right now, especially here.

"I mean...you knowww?", I could feel his stare while I shifted the camera, something is wrong with this.

"I don't know", I said, without looking at him. I was unintentionally making him mad and nothing else.

"I was really scared that you'd say this and see, I mean, why can't you behave normal when I mention anything about us?", he hissed near me and I looked around. Luckily there was no one in our proximity to hear this conversation.

"I-I, Namjoon", I exclaimed, vaguely pointing at the setting hoping we could do this later and I could explain that I would love us but he needs to understand that I won't even be in Korea as much as he thinks I would be and that's why it won't work out.

"I don't care", he eyed me.

"I do. I care, okay? There's no us to begin with and I know I was stupid enough to ask you what I should expect out of, what would you call it, we made out. That's that", I tried being really slow and I could feel annoyance in his sight.

"Made out! Okay, okay fine. I can't believe I deal with you. You're the one who doesn't text or call or even respond to it and that's bare minimum ___", he pondered and I internally rolled my eyes.

I was leaving on the weekend. I was always leaving. That's it. "I don't have to and I have a life Namjoon. I've been working non stop all this time. I don't expect you to understand", I said, standing up from my seat while I called for the head DOP from the walkie talkie.

"You don't want to be understood ___", Namjoon said, grabbing me from my arm and stopping me. He wasn't wrong. A few eyes snapped and I forced a smile immediately. "I like you, I like you a lot. Deal with it", he walked past me.

Deal with it.

As if.

Very abruptly, the last shot rolled in and it was over. The music video was done in a day. It was originally a two day sketch but we had to narrow it down to one day because of Namjoon's schedule and it was worrisome because it did seem impossible but things went smoothly and it was successfully over.

I told Jae Chan to wrap the filming site, though most of it was done while I was present. I picked my bag from a table to leave, kept right ahead from the vanity. Namjoon had left, I guess. I wasn't sure because after the last shot he was angry. He had his jaw clenched all that time, he barely managed to keep it out on the music video.

He was like this, his anger was pretty evident and that hadn't changed.

I like you. I like you a lot.

I couldn't wrap my head around that thought. Did he like me all this time? It sounded pretty crazy to me. I had never thought about anything with Namjoon. He was a friend I could like but I didn't, I had never expected anything out of my acquaintance with him anyway.

"You ate?", his deep voice made me look at him who stood at the steps of the vanity. He hadn't left yet.

"No", I said. He had changed into his normal clothes, the makeup was gone but he still looked great. His natural complexion was shining as the set lights fell onto his face. It made me surer how Namjoon needed someone who could be there rather then somebody who's never there.

"Come eat something", he said calmly. He looked much composed then before.

"I am not hungry", I stated just when he darted towards me. He held me by my forearm, dragging me into the vanity which was empty except for us. A few dishes were laid out on the table in front of the small couch.

"Eat and leave", he said, taking a seat on one of the chairs in front of the mirrors fidgeting with his phone while I quietly sat on the couch. I just wanted it to be over but I'd no appetite so I kept staring at the couple of Italian dishes which were pasta, carbonara I guess, rissoto and also jjangmyeong. "Just eat anything ___", he said, without bothering to look at me.

"I don't really have an appetite", I said, throwing my head back and looking at the ceiling of the vanity.

"What you've is a habit of skipping meals", he eyed me.

I looked at him. "Do you remember everything? Like literally everything?", I asked him as curiosity brimmed in my eyes.

"You don't?", he asked me back. "Well, for me, yeah I do. I did remember every thing but I should probably forget now. I didn't really asked to work with you because I wanted something but I can't say I didn't hope", he locked his phone and kept it on the space in front him. "I mean, we did had something. We did have something a few days ago. You can't exactly call me a friend and I've never seen you as one. The moment you walked in trying to fix the mess on the set since then till now I can't say I didn't hope you'd look at me the same way", he said, bringing all the memories back alive, but it was true, I never looked at him the way he'd wanted me to, hell, I couldn't believe it one bit. "It's true", he said, as if he just read my mind.

It was, it didn't made sense to me. How could he? Why would he? I uh, I think shit's wrong with me because even now I can't seem to focus on someone who confessed their feelings and that someone being Namjoon from all people.

I remember when I was one of the assistant directors under the director for one of the most low-key and low budget project. They didn't had many resources and our firm wasn't doing well either. We always had to come up with hacks, unknown locations for shooting...it was always so hard. We didn't had any respect in the industry.

It was two companies in one boat at the end of bankruptcy and we were so young and such good friends. I knew the rest of the members too but I kind of had a certain vibe with Namjoon. He could get me without having to speak.

I locked at him, his face was fixated on me and I could like him, in fact I did love him not romantically, I just did. I had a lot of love for him. He was caring for the people around him and I loved talking to him. He never once made anyone feel like he was a celebrity back then and a global celebrity now well yeah. He did deserve someone who could be here for him.

He stood up and walked towards me and my eyes followed him. He took a seat next to me and I could see he picked a bowl up but I didn't see which one because I couldn't stop looking at him. Namjoon took a significant amount and extended it to me and I looked at the noodles for a second and then at him. He just nodded and I ate it.

It was good.

"Thanks", I said, wiping the corners of my mouth with my fingers.

"Do you want me to feed you all the way or can you eat your own?", he asked me.

"I will eat", I told him and he gave me the bowl so I could eat on my own. "You ate?", I asked him and he instantly nodded.

"You're going somewhere, aren't you?", he asked me and I felt as if I've just been struck with something.

"Hmm", I said, my mouth almost filled. "And, I...I want to tell you something like adults and clear it. Namjoon you know my work and I am always not here, never. It's useless. Trust me on this, it's not like that but you know you'll need someone beside you and I can't be the one", I told him, calmly, before gulping water down.

"I know that but I'm okay with it. In fact, we would go hand in hand better because I can't take you out on exotic dates as well. This is what you get", he vaguely gestured at the vanity and I chuckled and he warmly smiled at me.

After a second, I spoke much seriously then before, "It will be hard and you know that. It'll be frustrating. You could hate me".

"If you've tired it with someone before, I am not exactly happy knowing this, but you shouldn't compare me with some random dude with a peculiar taste in leather clothing", he rolled his eyes, shifting his back comfortably.

"Hey! Don't be mean just because you see stuff on my Instagram", I scoffed and he maintained his long face.

"No really, what do you take me for? You think you won't have time for me? I won't have time for you", he went on.

"Namjoon", I dragged his name. His tendency to be sarcastic at odd moments is unmatched.

"Don't call my name like that", he stared at my eyes.

"Like what?", I asked him.

"Like you can love me", he said.

"I...you don't have to be like this", I said, keeping the empty bowl on the table.

"Give me a chance then, try it out. I would wait for you I promise", Namjoon took my hand in his and covered it with his warmth.

"Will I be able to...wait?", I looked away from him, thinking about it so hard.

"___ don't think too much. I promise, we'll be fine", he said, his hands travelling to my waist and before he could grab it. I screeched closer to him. I cupped his face and attached my lips to his, while his hands held on my body.

________________

My relationship with Namjoon was better then I imagined it. I tried my best to be there for him and he was surprisingly almost there for me but it wasn't exactly easy.

It was months and months of hardships and Namjoon was more needy then I thought him to be, he needed a lot of assurance. I don't understand the notion that he holds of everyone wanting me so he needs to be extra careful. I still don't get that his insecure ass doesn't trusts his own members, he won't let me meet them at all.

He was really different. He shifted from dominant to romantic in one second. I loved that. I kind of missed it so much.

He held my hand I could feel it by the way his skin felt against mine, he whirled me around and in a second his hand rested on my waist as he urged me to walk next to him. He was in a perfect disguise and I looked at him. I could tell he was smiling beneath his black mask.

"See, this is why I don't trust other guys! How could you let someone do this to you in the midst of the road in a foreign country?", he asked me.

"No stranger would confidently do this to anyone in a foreign country", I playfully hit him on his leg and he stopped, pretending to be gravely hurt. "I can't believe you", I looked at him as I went with his act. I supported him in standing completely. In a second, he intertwined his fingers with mine.

"I missed you", he softly whispered in my ear.

"I missed you too", I whispered back, softly. I pulled him in an empty alley and pulled his mask down. "I need you to do something", I told him, nibbling on his ear and I could feel my skin feel the heat that it yearned for since a couple of months before him going on tour.

"Right now?", he asked surprised.

"Yeah, right now", I said and I could feel him harden against my pelvis.

"You are...so, not right now. Let's go to your hotel room. I'm still famous", he pulled me closer and I chuckled. He turned me around, pulling his mask down, he kissed me hard. His mouth pressed against mine. I held him tightly and he gasped. "I love you", he softly said before pulling his mask up.

"I, you", I held his hand again.

[wingsofhcpe]

SNOWPIERCER S3E6 THOUGHTS: IMPEACH LAYTON

No I don't even care actually I hate him.

Not just because he's killed Pike but because he's so goddamn self righteous about it. If any of you guys have watched AoT, and know of Erwin Smith's character arc (best morally grey leader ever), you'll understand what I mean.

Ruth thinking it was all a misunderstanding and she could "clear Pike's name"... I'm in pain.

Also since I mentioned aot, if this was an anime Zarah would have jumped in to save Layton or Ruth would have jumped in to save Pike. In any case, they would have ended up getting stabbed instead. Now that I think about it, that's a good fic idea... (Don't ask me why I constantly think in Anime Terms. It's just who I am).

And ofc she's gonna blame herself. Of fucking course. Kudos to Pike for not saying he's doing it for her even when directly confronted... but even the implication, the knowledge of it, is enough to drive someone like Ruth insane. She's SO gonna blame herself.

This episode basically confirmed that they really did love each other, that they were just...afraid. Especially Ruth. And now they're never going to get their chance at happiness because Pike was STUPID. Let's be real here, the core of the problem is with Layton, but Pike acted with the clear intent to end up dead. He truly believed the best part of him was dead, there was nothing for him to hold on to, and he wanted to go out at least trying to set things right, to prove that Layton is not fit to be the leader any longer.

Also the fact that he said he would never hurt the baby. Also Zarah idgaf about your ugly cgi doll, fuck you.

(yeah no ok I know she was scared and that's completely fair, I just don't like Zarah in general lol).

This week is mostly gonna be me screaming about Ruth and Pike but also I loved the little details about the Tail traditions. Good to see they remember Old Ivan even after all of this. Also hey Astrid's alive, good to know.

ALSO MILES. HE GREW SO TALL. HIS VOICE GOT DEEPER. MY BABY SON GREW UP.... I MISSED YOU MY CHILD!!!!! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!!!! I'm so glad you didn't also die of influenza.

Carly's and Alex's interactions were adorable actually, also kinda gay, I ship it. (Though I will remain an Alex/LJ stan forever)

I feel real bad about Wilford and also I'm very angry re: Audrey, but after everything that happened this episode she can honestly go fuck herself (or Till ig).

Speaking of, the little interactions with Till and LJ. Big Sis Till is back and I'm loving it. No Os tho :((

I hope Roche survives at least. Glad to see him trying for Carly.

I love Lights so much and I wish she ended up with Till bc they're great together.

Asha is a mood, I too would like to hide in a dark hole with my comfort object in order to avoid people. She doesn't have as big of a role as I imagined though. At least not yet.

I can't even bring myself to explain why I'm so mad at Andre. Like the fact he literally only agreed to fight Pike because Pike threatened to expose his lies and destabilise his influence/leadership based on said lies... I think that's what really made me go against Layton. He didn't care about solving any of this, he just wanted to buy Pike off as usual, and when he realised he couldn't, and that Pike knew he was bullshitting the entire train, he decided to fight to the death. This is the biggest issue with his leadership and why he's no longer fit to lead.

Winnie putting her lil doll with Pike's dead body.... AND RUTH IS PUTTING THE BOMB IN THAT DOLL IN THE PROMO FOR EP7??? FUCK ME.

Also I've said that already but goddammit Ruth is just not allowed to be happy huh.

Closing this rant off with the fact that the drinking scene between Ruth, Roche and Till was gold. Just a few seconds, but honestly, vibes. I want a scene of them getting piss-drunk together in the next season. I'm talking WASTED.

Also I hope my prediction won't come true but I feel Ruth will start acting like Roche now. Just...more contained. She has a good poker face, unlike him.

Anyway. Till (haha) next week. Also if the show writers even CONSIDER killing Ruth off, I would like to formally announce that I will find you and I... I... I will steal all your snacks! So you better leave my wife alone!! >:(