#i have a couple notes for the whole story but am unsure about some aspects. nothing i wouldn't be able to figure out tho i think

[binch-i-might-be]

a couple months ago I started writing an AU I was really excited about, but didn't get past the first chapter. my plan was to finish the whole thing before posting any of it because I know the way my brain works (see: all the unfinished multichaps currently up on my ao3 that I can't bring myself to complete) but. I really like what I've written so far and I feel kind of bad for putting up zero content lately. now I'm debating if I should put the first chapter up because like I actually really want to share it, but what if it becomes just another semi abandoned project on my ao3. hhhhhh

[the-insomniac-emporium]

Serenade (Daniela Dimitrescu/Reader) Pt. 5

Fandom: Resident Evil: Village Pairing: Daniela Dimitrescu/Reader (Gender neutral) Rating: T for language and mentions/references to an (emotionally) abusive relationship. Mild, brief violence. Warnings: TW for referenced emotional abuse, mild TW for possible physical abuse (sorry, angry Dani is not 100% gentle with people she doesn't love-love) Notes: Music for this chapter here. If you're following this story and really want to continue reading, but worry about the TWs for this chapter, just send me an anonymous message and I'll write up an alternative version of this post. It's not something I would do without it being requested, but it's also not a big deal so don't feel like you're bothering me if you want that. Previous Chapters: Pt. 1: Nocturne, Pt. 2: Overture, Pt. 3: Accelerando, Pt. 4: Tocatta

Chapter 5: Poco a Poco (Italian: Little by little)

Finding a schedule for lessons to follow proved to be an insurmountable task. Consistency was something that Daniela struggled with greatly, even when it came to things that she genuinely cared about. Things like ensuring you lived long enough to entertain her. Instead of working with you to find a balance that worked for both of you, the youngest Dimitrescu daughter seemed intent on doing things in her own time. Little by little. Which would have been fine, if the two of you weren’t restricted by time.

Fate wasn’t entirely unkind, however. There were still a few things that Daniella recalled from her “youth”, bits and pieces of musical theory, the bare basics of reading sheet music. Not having to teach her proper posture or the structure of a piano would save you a little bit of time. On top of that, you had been informed that, somewhere in the castle, there were a few books of sheet music you could borrow. Assuming you were eventually able to find them, that is. So far they had eluded you, but you hadn’t even had much time to search, as you were still expected to perform your usual Maiden-related tasks.

In the end, it was Daniela herself that proved to be the biggest obstacle in your way.

“Look,” Daniela said one day, barely ten minutes into a lesson, “I think we should take a break… maybe have some fun?” One of her hands is resting on top of yours, the other tucking your hair behind your ear. There’s a smirk on her lips, unsurprisingly, and she’s mere inches away from kissing you. If not for the heavy threat hanging over your head, you would have already thrown yourself into her arms. Instead, all you can do is sigh, turning away from her as you do. “Don’t be like that, sweet thing. C’mon, no one can hear us right now. Might as well enjoy ourselves.”

“Babe. Darling. Buttercup, honey, cute little button on a bear, you are not the brightest bulb in the lighting department,” you replied, holding the bridge of your nose between two fingers. Instantly Daniela is upset, giving you a (thankfully) playful smack on the arm. Before she can protest more you continue speaking. “Your family would not hear us making out, true, but they would definitely hear us not playing the piano. I’m pretty sure your mother already thinks I’m doomed to fail as a teacher, and the last thing I need is to give her a reason to drop the curtains this early into our performance.”

“First of all, I am not an idiot,” Daniela said, a bit of a growl to her voice. “Secondly, what harm can a few minutes really do? Don’t you think I’ve been working hard enough to earn a little reward?” Now she’s holding a finger under your chin, lifting it up, making sure you’re looking right at her. There’s no dissuading her, it seems, as she leans in for a soft kiss. This was one of the more frustrating aspects of dealing with (courting?) her; communication felt like a one-man play, except the audience was as likely to throw knives as rotten tomatoes. Whenever Daniela acted like this, pushing away your concerns in favor of her pleasure, it felt helpless to try and resist her.

So you kissed back, wrapped your arms around her, and hoped that she’d be more open to compromise afterwards. At least kissing her was nice. Even though it had only been a week since you first kissed her, she was already getting better, evidently learning through experience. The passion behind her movements had grown as well, leaving you a tad breathless. Regardless of her odd perception of romance, and her insistence that she knew best, you found yourself charmed by her. It was scary. Terrifying, really, how you felt yourself falling under her spell. Wait. Hadn’t you been in this sort of situation before?... Staying with someone who wasn’t good for you? Why were you kissing her? Why were you starting to tremble, tears in your eyes, mind falling down a slippery slope of memories?

By the time you snap out of it, you’re sitting on the floor, Daniela awkwardly kneeling by your side. What the fuck? You think, sniffling a little. Head spinning, mind reeling, you struggle to form coherent thoughts. Next to you Daniela is unsure of how to help. But she’s trying, sort of, one hand holding your own, the other gently rubbing your back. She’s saying something, the words going right over your head. Understanding her takes times, focus, like tuning an instrument until the pitch is just right.

“I don’t understand, we were only kissing, what happened? Can you even hear me? Is this your way of tricking me into not making out with you? Because that’s a total dick move and-” she rambles, only stopping when you give her hand a soft squeeze. Then she’s meeting your gaze, looking uncomfortable, shoulders tense. “You’ve been weird for a while. Distant. Like you don’t want to touch me anymore. Don’t you still love me?”

There’s real, honest pain in her eyes when she speaks. If the timing had been different… you’d have thrown your arms around her and covered her face in kisses, promising to hold her onto she felt better, promising that yes you cared. You cared so fucking much. But she’s making you exhausted; every second has to be focused on her, not you. Every moment of concern is flipped around until she’s the victim, or at least the one that needs comforting. You didn’t think that she even realized what she was doing. Well, you hoped that she didn’t, wanted to believe that if she understood she’d change.

“Remember the first day we kissed?... how you pulled me close, and I kissed you harder, and we started…. Remember how I made a move and you pushed me away? I’ll never forget the look on your face. I felt like shit afterwards. I should have asked before I tried anything,” you explain, letting go of Daniela’s hand so you could pull your knees to your chest. Somehow you can’t bring yourself to maintain eye contact with her- not right now, not when you could still remember what it felt like to be on her side of this story. “I don’t want to push your boundaries, or make you feel pressured to do something you don’t want to do. The last thing I’d ever want to do is hurt you like that.”

“Oh bullshit,” Daniela snarled, shocking you, before getting to her feet. Confusion doesn’t begin to describe how you feel in the moment as you watch her pace back and forth. Both her hands are clenched into fists, and she’s refusing to look at you. There’s a buzzing sound in the room, faint but growing louder, like she’s a split second away from entering swarm mode. “We’re a couple, aren’t we? Shouldn’t you be able to tell what I want? Shouldn’t it be obvious what I desire, when I’m pinning you to the wall and shoving my tongue down your throat? What more do you require?”

“Holy shit, Dani, I know communication isn’t your forte, but have you really not even considered talking to me? That’s simple, easy, literally the first thing that should come to mind!” You snapped, too in disbelief to keep your voice down. For a moment Daniela stops her pacing, turning to stare at you with narrowed eyes. If you weren’t so mad, you’d be convinced she was ready to kill you. But she doesn’t move to grab her sickle, or otherwise advance on you, instead groaning and tugging on her own hair in frustration.

“Because that’s not romantic, genius!” She replied. Some dots start to connect in your mind, but you lack the full context, as if looking at sheet music with no clefs or time signature. It’s not until Daniela continues that you really understand; and, by extension, realize just how ridiculous this whole mess is. “None of the books I’ve read involve conversations like this. People just… they just love each other! And figure it out as they go along, reading each other’s body language and facial expressions, inferring what they need to know through touches and reactions. Why can’t we do that?”

“This isn’t a fucking book, dumbass! I don’t have powers like you, I can’t just read your mind and figure out what you want. That’s not how relationships work! Communication is key. And you can’t just talk, you have to listen, hard, and understand,” you continued, still on the floor, heart pounding so furiously you thought it might leap from your chest at any moment. As angry as you are, you wonder if you’re being too loud, too angry, wonder if there was a better way to get through to Daniela. Before you can think of a solution the air is ripped from your lungs. Your “partner”/student is grabbing you by the front of your shirt, yanking you to your feet. Instinct makes you struggle against her, as useless as it is.

“I. Told. You. I’m not an idiot!” Her free hand comes up to your face, cupping your cheek for a moment, then pulling away just as fast. When it moves back up she’s gripping onto her sickle. The sharp edge ends up resting against your neck, the slightest movement threatening to cut you open. This is the most Daniela has ever openly threatened you, and in that moment all your anger melts back into fear, tears spilling down your cheeks. A flicker of something shows in her eyes, making you think that even she doesn’t like where this is going. “Give me one reason not to end this right now.”

“... I don’t… I can’t think. I… Why would you?” The words leave you in a rush, even with the pauses, and each syllable makes the sickle press into your skin a little more. There’s sure to be a cut there, though you can’t even begin to estimate how bad it is. The blade is sharp, clearly, and it hardly even hurts as it slices you. Thankfully the sensation doesn’t last long. Once you’re done speaking, Daniela’s grip loosens considerably, hand slowly letting your shirt go. Her other hand takes a few seconds to move, but eventually pulls away without any fuss. For a few seconds she just watches you, eyes filled to the brim with a rich sorrow, mouth open but unmoving.

“No lesson tomorrow. I need a break,” Daniela whispers, barely audible. Then she’s dusting herself off, no longer looking at you, and heading towards the exit. Just like the first time you met, she pauses in the doorway. “How’s that for communication, hmm?” When she laughs, it’s empty, forced. Part of you wants to stop her and ask if she’s okay.

Instead, you watch her leave, unspoken words tangling with your tongue until you almost can’t swallow.

Then your feet move, automatically, leading you to the piano. You sit down without thinking. You touch the keys without thinking. When you play, you play without thinking. It’s just a song, the world tells you, and you have no choice but to play. It’s not just a song, you know this, but you can’t think. Can’t argue against the personification of your isolation, or the embodiment of your trauma. All you can do is let yourself get lost in the music, softly, recalling lyrics from a forgotten time.

I’ve been running all my life, trying to find a place to hide ‘Thought that I had settled down, but I guess things are changing now Don’t make me go, don’t make me go Just don’t make me go, this feels like home

As soon as the last note fades out you stand, wordlessly, and leave. Your feet carry you down corridor after corridor, past maidens working, some of whom gasp when they see you. But you don’t stop, not even when you cross paths with Lady Bela, who eyes you with surprising concern. She doesn’t try to stop you, though, and you doubt you would have cared if she had tried. It’s not until you are within your shared room that you finally stop moving. It is there that you sit, shaking, finally pressing a cloth to your neck. Blood stains the fabric, first in just a few dots, then spreading out. There’s not enough to make you fear for your life, but there is enough to make you cry harder. Washing the wound will sting… so you don’t do that. Soon you will have to return to your work, and the thought puts pressure on your skull, summoning an all-too-familiar migraine.

When you close your eyes, you don’t mean to fall asleep, but that is exactly what you do. And when you dream, you do not wish for nightmares. You never do- and fate never denies you their company.

[nerdygaymormon]

uhhhh david have you gotten the liahona yet bc idk how to feel about an article i found in there yesterday. it was pretty comforting and basic, but did use ssa the whole time. BUT the youth one was pretty crappy, it used ssa to the max and gave no real hope, was pretty bland and annoying about oh itll be find just believe and jesus and get hatecrimed <3 i would like to hear your thoughts on it, its the first time ive seen any queer topics in church magazines

Thanks for bringing these to my attention.

"Same-sex attraction" (SSA) is the preferred term of Church leaders. They say it's a way of not making it your identity, that this isn't part of who I am but rather is something I'm dealing with. In other words, people "have" same-sex attraction, not that they "are" gay or lesbian or bi.

There have been a few leaks from behind-the-scenes where the apostles say they use "same-sex attraction" because it's the term that people like least. People like it less that same-gender attraction or gay/lesbian. SSA includes the word "sex" and I guess the idea is it gets people to think of sexual acts and feel queasy.

SSA is the term normally used in Church magazines because they follow the lead of the First Presidency and apostles.

There's 3 items in the Church magazines this month about queer people! That's a lot for one month.

————————————————————

The first is a bishop talking about how to understand and include LGBT people at church. After becoming bishop, 3 sets of parents contacted him distressed that their child is gay or transgender (I note that the parents used "gay." He also mentions contacting someone who 'identifies as gay").

His first recommendation is to follow the living apostles. (which explains why the bishop uses "SSA" even though everyone else around him used "gay"). It's a good idea for a local leader to find what the current leaders are saying because it's changed. He also says to read the Church's websites titled “Same-Sex Attraction” and “Transgender.” He provides two lovely quotes from those pages about diversity at church and being loving to people who are different.

His second recommendation is to not be afraid to talk to people who identify as gay, but instead try to have love for them and then let the Spirit guide you in what to say. We're just people, it shouldn't be scary to talk to us, that shows how different he thinks we are from the other people he interacts with in his ward.

The bishop's third suggestion is to speak to people who are familiar with LGBT "issues," share your testimony, and apologize for hurtful things you say. His list of people to contact for help understanding was a little disheartening because he starts with his stake leaders, ward leaders, other bishops, and so on, actual queer people were the last people on his list.

He continues by saying to pull aside members who are saying homophobic or transphobic things and give them some personal guidance, don't share private information that a member shares with the bishop, and just because someone has these "attractions" doesn't mean they're acting on them, and if they aren't "acting" on them then you can let them have a calling.

I have a few comments about the last few things. If no one corrects the homophobic/transphobic comments in public but instead privately suggests the person do better, every one who heard those comments thinks they stand unchallenged. The atmosphere created by the comments is unchanged. Especially if the bishop was present to hear those words, if they go uncontested then people think this is what is acceptable.

You'd think bishops know not to share private information a member shares with them. I've been around long enough to know that when a bishop is unsure what to do, he starts contacting his network (stake presidency, other bishops) asking for advice. Some bishops are discreet when doing this and others name the individuals.

While it seems basic, I recently had a counselor in a bishopric who didn't think gay people could get a temple recommend, that there's a zero-tolerance policy. That is an attitude that is outdated by a couple of decades, but it shows that people need to learn that simply existing as a gay or trans person doesn't automatically mean we are committing great sins.

I do find it interesting there appears to have been quite a few queer individuals in his ward, at least 4 or 5, and reading between the lines it seems they all stopped attending.

The bishop's heart is in the right place. I get he's following the Church leaders and that limits some of what he can do for queer people in his ward. I think his perspective primarily is of making the parents feel more welcome in the ward and not ostracized for having queer kids.

————————————————————

The second article in the Liahona is written by a person with same-sex attraction and his work to overcome the shame he felt.

It's a much better article than the one written by the bishop. This person shares about the shame they felt at having gay feelings and working with a therapist to overcome that shame. He shares 3 lessons that helped him with this process.

1) God and Jesus love and accept him as he is. This is a message that doesn't often get conveyed to queer members and it's important they know this.

2) The Atonement of Jesus Christ offers healing. At first he was wanting the Atonement to cure him of being gay, but instead it helped him be healed of the shame he felt. I hear so many members who think the Atonement can change us from gay to straight, and that's not true. I'm glad he made this distinction. Our Heavenly Parents don't view being gay or trans as something that needs to be cured. I wish that message was taught more openly in the Church.

3) Build deeper connections and show compassion. Loneliness and feeling like you don't belong at church are two of the most troubling aspects an LGBTQ+ person has to deal with if they are active in the LDS Church. Developing close friendships will help with that. Also, queer people tend to be more compassionate than the average person and I believe it's because of the experiences we had to deal with of living in a heteronormative world that isn't made for us.

He includes a few useful tips at the end on how to engage with queer people.

All in all, a much better story than the one written by the bishop. He shared part of how it feels to be a gay member of this church, the idea that he should be ashamed for who he is, that being gay isn’t a burden, that he doesn't fit in.

I appreciated he said this is part of his layers of identity and at the core of his identity is that we're children of heavenly parents. That's more nuanced than the apostles who reject being gay has anything to do with identity and our only identity should be a child of God.

————————————————————

The final story is from For the Strength of Youth. This piece seems like it's written by a queer person, but it's anonymous and given as general advice to show that people with same-sex attraction belong at church.

This article makes 3 main points. The first is that God loves you. That's true, although accompanying quotes to back up this principle aren't specifically about queer people.

The second point is "you belong." All sorts of people attend church, and God is no respecter of persons. Then they have a quote from Elder L. Whitney Clayton that people with same-sex attraction are welcome to come to church. To me, he's an odd choice to give this message as he led the Church's fight in California on Prop 8 to make gay marriage illegal again. Words aren't enough. Saying I'm welcome is not the same as making a welcoming climate.

The third point is that God will help you. They include a quote from Laura F. who experiences same-sex attraction. She writes about prayer, scripture study, temple and church attendance. However, she also says she doesn't know what her life will look like in 20 years, she seems to be leaving open the possibility her journey with God will lead her to romance and out of the church. I thought that was very honest and important.

————————————————————

I found it noteworthy that nowhere in these 3 articles does it say being alone and celibate is good and what God wants.

I appreciate the idea that we can make our local congregations less homophobic/transphobic. The suggestions from the bishops shows that the bar is pretty low and it doesn't take much to make an improvement from how things are now.

The voices of the two gay members was important, what they shared was useful but nuanced, didn't make commitments to staying in the church long-term or testify that what the church requires is what God wants for them.

Even so, it's clear the publisher is very careful. They use "same-sex attraction" so often, I think readers would be surprised the preferred term of most same-sex attracted people would be gay, bi or lesbian. While they addressed some things, like homophobic/transphobic comments, feeling shame & not fitting in, I think they largely skated past the things that make queer people decide that this church isn't for them.

There's a part of me that says I'm glad we're having this conversation in the Church magazines, but another part that says this is too sanitized and doesn't get at the heart of things. These are very hopeful messages that make it seem that queer people could easily choose to stay in church if a few adjustments were made and if they only understood God loves them, which avoids the "doctrine" that excludes queer people from the highest blessings and joys and makes us essentially second-class citizens in the kingdom of God, at least according to our church.

[bvbuntin]

Book Review: A Good Neighborhood by Therese Anne Fowler

I have not had much opportunity to read for fun since graduating college this spring. “Fun” is a very subjective word here, mostly referring to picking something not necessarily related to academia but laced with an underwritten tension of reading something relevant to current events. I ended up borrowing an ebook copy of A Good Neighborhood somewhat at random. I was not looking for anything “serious,” but at the same time, reading with a disconnection to literature’s political implications makes reading for fun—particularly after recently graduating with a degree in English—nearly impossible. Therefore, my conclusions from reading this novel reflect the often simultaneous pros and cons of producing racial discourse. A Good Neighborhood deals in racial politics as its explicit subject, but the narrative itself is also deeply embedded in unavoidable racial politics that may be detrimental to the issues it attempts to illuminate.

The story follows two families in a North Carolinian suburb. One family consists of widowed mother, Valerie, a professor of ecology, and her son Xavier, a freshly-graduated teen preparing to pursue his promising career in music at a school in San Francisco. Next door, the Whitman family has recently moved into their custom-built house: Julia, mother of teenage daughter Juniper, who married wealthy HVAC business-owner Brad and added their grade-school age daughter Lily. It is important to note that Valerie is black, her son Xavier being mixed (but for all intents and purposes, counted as black by society), while the Whitmans are white. Valerie sues Brad for damage caused during the construction of the Whitmans’ new home to the roots of her massive, ancient oak tree; at the same time, the teenagers, Xavier and Juniper, fall in love. The racial politics of the book are evident from the start, with Brad, for example, appearing to assume Xavier is hired help as he does yard work for his mother. Over the course of the novel, these racial dynamics escalate into the main conflict, and the story ends in tragedy.

It is impossible to understand the novel’s complexity without also understanding the circumstances under which the novel was written. Reading the beginning acknowledgements reveals some important information about the author: first, she is white, and second, she wrote this novel for its relevancy to current issues in the hopes of spurring conversation about race. I would be interested to have had the experience of reading the novel without knowing such information first. Whatever the case, this story about racial politics is itself steeped in the racial politics which birthed it.

The novel exhibits an awareness of the many dimensions of power. For example, race, class, education, gender, and life experience all compound to complicate relations between the families. For example, Julia Whitman and her daughter Juniper both experienced a large class jump when Julia married Brad. Julia used these newfound opportunities to place Juniper in a religious program meant to support teenage girls in the way that religious programs often do: emphasizing traditional gender roles and conducting ceremonies such as making a purity vow with her stepfather Brad. We also see that Valerie and her son deviate from the poor urban stereotype often associated with POC: Valerie is a single black mother working as a college professor in STEM, and Xavier has received a generous scholarship to pursue his love of music at a school in San Francisco.

And yet, some of these aspects can feel heavy-handed. Is Xavier portrayed as a “good kid” because of author bias toward what constitutes the “proper conduct” of a POC in society? Does he obtain a scholarship because, as the societal narrative goes, hard work always pays off (no matter your race or privilege)? Readers cannot be certain, but the questions remain. These multi-faceted power dynamics, on the one hand, capture the complexities that arise from conflict, as they do in real life. On the other hand, the presence of these traits may at times reduce characters to tokens, making them feel more like the sum of their traits (as given to them by a white author) rather than complex characters.

The narration style of the novel provides an interesting perspective into racial tension. Written in the collective first person perspective “we,” it is the titular neighborhood that narrates the story. The omnipresent perspective is offset by explicit reminders that neighborhood, despite its collective and wide perspective, is ultimately limited by the boundaries of privilege and the limitations of the human perspective. Though at times the narrative seems to provide a neutral understanding of the situation, we are reminded that this neutrality is not total: the narrative perspective exemplifies the collective consciousness of white society when faced with issues of race. This type of narrative perspective enables the narrative to draw explicit attention to overt and covert racism in ways which feel a bit more organic than if an impersonal third-person narrative were to suddenly launch into an explanation about racism.

There are pros and cons to explicit acknowledgement of racism in narrative: on the one hand, racism often acts very covertly, and pointing it out explicitly means one is aware of the narrative they are narrating/writing and wants to make their readers aware of the issue rather than hoping (white) people will pick up on it. On the other hand, it may make the writing feel inauthentic, a moral lesson to be conveyed, which the collective narrative style mitigates but does not do away with altogether. The novel’s resigned ending feels intimidated by its own implications, edging into the all-too-common resolution of “let us witness the tragedy inherent in being black and use it to make us all more conscientious people.” Such a resolution leaves too much at stake for very real issues of systemic racism and violence, sacrificing the individual for the sake of the whole and reproducing the violence it attempts to combat.

When I was about halfway through the novel, I was chatting with a friend who suggested we start a book club. Because I was reading A Good Neighborhood, I suggested this novel. Upon completing the novel, I feel like I would genuinely discourage my friend from reading this book. What concerns me about this specific novel is that this novel’s reality is not what we need right now, especially in the realm of fiction. Not that creating a fictional racism-free world is the answer—such a perspective exemplifies white desire to simply make the problem go away, to rectify without facing reality—but one must ask the question about how effective repeatedly reiterating the violence enacted on black bodies is in the fiction genre. Coupled with the fact that most readers may not dwell on the complexities of the internal narrative and the external politics that produced it, I do not feel the book is productive for racial discourse and runs a high risk of only adding to the trauma that our society forces black persons to confront daily, ultimately desensitizing us to reality. Though there are black characters and references and quotes to the work of famous black activists, the book lacks a black voice, which I believe it what we need most right now.

I would not prioritize this book on your to-read list. If you choose to read this book, make sure you do not read it in a vacuum. Read what other people—especially POC—have to say about such books. Better yet, read novels and essays by POC. If you are looking to understand racism through literature, there are far better options. This book may serve better as an example of how white writers attempt to talk about race with varying degrees of success.

I understand that this is a difficult subject matter to handle, and I understand that a novel cannot cover everything. However, I think considering all the facets of the narrative, and the circumstances which produced the narrative, is what ultimately produces a productive reading. I am just unsure how many people will have the time or knowledge to do such work, and therefore would recommend other works before this one.

Check out this book on Goodreads

[on-the-shelves]

on my shelf: soundtrack to my fourth year of uni - summer

I’m finally done with my Bachelor’s thesis! I might make a separate, more detailed post about it, since the topic is relevant for what this blog is about (of course it is haha), but for now I can say my topic was an analysis of the use of elements from the “Pop-Star-System” in building up a girlgroup career. I looked at the history of Pop-Stars and analysed the album covers of the Supremes’ first two albums, as well as the Spice Girls and Girls’ Generation’s first albums/physical releases. It was a lot of work, but I really enjoyed the topic. Oh and if anyone was wondering, I’m doing a Media Studies degree, which is why I could tackle such a cool topic.

Anyway! So working on my thesis took up my entire summer semester because I luckily didn’t have any classes left to attend, so I was thankfully spared the whole online class ordeal. The music I mentioned in my last post (”Quarantunes”) has mostly stayed on repeat in the past few months. Besides an ever steady stream of BTS, there are a couple of new things to add to the list:

Tomorrow X Together: The Dream Chapter: Eternity (2020)

Now THIS is the release I’ve been waiting for from them. Their previous album had one song that had a co-writing credit for one of the members (Hueningkai on “Rollercoaster”), but this album has more! We’re finally starting to hear their writing talents more. “Maze in the Mirror” was written/demo’ed entirely by one member (Beomgyu) and in the process of preparing it for this release the other members also wrote parts. It’s a beautiful, melancholic, and dynamic song that I can highly recommend for listening to before going to sleep. The lyrics talk about how unsure they felt before debuting. I can’t wait to hear more songs where they talk about their personal experiences, because clearly they’re good at it. In general this album is much darker than their previous two releases and they suit them well. The songs are more varied, too: You have the classic TXT style opening song, but the lead single “Can’t You See Me?” is full of angst, which is new for them. “PUMA” is like dark R&B, while “Fairy of Shampoo”, a reworked cover of a popular 1990s Korean song, is more city-pop. And then you have “Eternally” which reminded me of twenty one pilots’ “Ode to Sleep” in the way it completely changes up its style several times throughout the song. It’s all coherent and flows well from top to bottom though, and I think they’re well on their way to carving their own niche in the saturated and often same-same (k-) pop landscape.

Agust D: D-2 (2020)

He finally came back. SUGA of BTS last released a mixtape under his solo moniker Agust D in 2016. That one was very dark, brazen at times, and incredibly open and honest about his struggles, ending on a note of hoping that things will get better. This follow-up release makes it clear that Agust D has become a slightly different person in the past few years. He’s still brazen at times, but he has good reason to be, looking at how incredibly successful BTS has become since 2016. As always, he makes fun of those who decide to be haters but cleverly never gets too specific - if you feel attacked, that’s on you. There is a lot of introspection on this album too. It’s generally much less defeated or dark than on the 2016 self-titled release, but it’s still not all sunshine and rainbows. His problems have morphed -  he has now achieved his dreams, but it’s not quite what he expected it to be. There are a lot of thoughts about dreams, about what it means to grow up, about what his position in the world means and feels like. That sounds like it’s very focused on himself and might be inaccessible to us non-famous people, but that’s absolutely not the case. A lot of it are quite mundane questions that everyone asks themselves in their 20s, like “what am I doing with my life?” and “what kind of person am I really?”. He makes it clear that he doesn’t have the answers, but he somehow makes you feel comforted in that uncertainty. The musical style is more like current hip-hop, where Agust D was more like harder, older hip-hop, but retains his (especially recent) typical, very melodious style, with him even singing some choruses. There are various styles and interesting production choices that make for a varied, but cohesive listening experience. 

Hayley Williams: Petals for Armor (2020)

I mentioned this album in the “Quarantunes” post as well, but the full album was released after that went up, so it deserves another mention here. This album tells a story of an emotional journey towards healing, without ever getting preachy or feeling insincere. In several interviews Hayley mentions her therapy journey and learning to deal with her trauma and how this album helped with that. Listening to all the songs in order, a journey of self-discovery, -acceptance, and -empowerment is laid out. All these things are typically found in little things and learning to change your perspective. It’s Hayley’s most feminine work yet, in the sense that she’s embracing all of her different aspects: the delicate, the powerful, the rage, the love. Everything is wrapped in sounds inspired by Alternative music, but more, as said before, the Björks, Radioheads, and synth-y 80s artists, instead of loud guitar bands. My favourite songs are “Crystal Clear”, “Roses/Lotus/Violet/Iris”, “Over Yet”, “Cinnamon” and “Simmer”.

IU: Palette (2017)

When it was announced that IU and SUGA from BTS (two of the most popular artists in Korea) would release a collab song, I decided to check out her (IU’s) music more intensely, because I only knew one or two of her songs from the Dalkom Café playlist on Spotify. One of them is on this album, “Palette (ft. G-Dragon)”. This album, to me, best encapsulates IU’s sound: from heartbreaking ballads to satisfying light K-R&B, to slightly darker, groovy K-R&B (I think that’s the right genre term..), this one has them all. I’m not the biggest fan of ballads, but I enjoy IU’s voice so much that I don’t mind listening to them at all. I really love it, however, when she leaves that style behind for the slightly darker, or at least more pop sounds, like on “Palette”, but especially on “Jam Jam” and “Black Out”. She has a certain attitude on those songs that are slightly opposite of the pure, innocent image I previously had of her. It seems very sincere though, most likely because she writes on all of her songs. She has been utilising this style more often in recent years, on songs like “Bbibbi” and “Blueming” (both certified bops). “Eight”, the collab with SUGA, is an uplifting, yet bittersweet feeling pop anthem that almost feels like it could’ve been just a little bit longer. I’ll probably dive deeper into her lyrics soon and I’m excited for what I will find.

Sunmi: Warning (2018)

Last summer, Sunmi released the single “Lalalay” and I immediately loved it. I learned the choreography pretty much the week after I heard it the first time. Unfortunately, she didn’t seem to have much other music on her Spotify page though, just a couple of older singles (which I also immediately loved). This year she released “pporappippam” (which is basically the romanization of the Korean title which translates to Purple Night), a bittersweet, nostalgic, summer pop song, like only Sunmi can do. Seriously, no one else in K-Pop is releasing music like hers, and they probably don’t even dare to try. For those who don’t know, she used to be in one of the historically most popular girlgroups Wonder Girls. But besides that, she has been releasing her own style of pop since she started releasing solo music and Warning (which they must’ve only recently put on Spotify in full) is a pretty good encapsulation of that sound. It’s almost like a mix between K-Pop and K-R&B, but more like IU’s moodier songs for example. It’s not flashy and sparkly, but it’s not full-on groove either. It’s a bit of both and it works perfectly for her. 

--

Special mentions for new albums I haven’t listened to that much but do enjoy a lot: HAIM’s Women in Music Part III, Irene&Seulgi’s Monster, Taylor Swift’s folklore (released like a week before this post is published but it’s undeniably good and will get a longer write-up when I’ve had more time with it), Loona’s discography

[stuffy-attic]

F!Sole x Hancock [Hope Diamond/City]

Hancock had no damn clue why the hell they were stopping in a classroom of all places. Well to be fair he also had no idea why Sole had dragged him into Diamond City to start with. To be even more fair, Hancock was unsure of why he was dragged to most of the places that Sole picked.

Perhaps “dragged” was a bit strong. Hancock wasn’t in the habit of kidding himself after all; he’d follow Sole into a Deathclaw’s nest if that’s what she desired. He might question her sanity a bit but by hell he’d tag right along with a dopey smile on his face and a jet in hand.

What am I even thinking? Hancock wondered as he glanced at Sole watching the schoolroom children with a glowing smile. She could have whoever she wanted. There’s no way she’d be interested in me of all people.

“Oh!” Hancock jumped at Sole’s soft exclamation. “That robot is so lovely! I wonder if she remembers any prewar stuff. Whatd’ya think?” Before he could even form a response, Sole was already bouncing on the balls of her feet. “I’m gonna go ask.”

“Should we even be in here?” Hancock asked.

Sole’s face immediately fell and for a moment Hancock feared the worst: she finally realized the error of her ways in bringing him along. It would only make sense that his luck would finally be running out now.

“Hancock? Is it…” she glanced quickly at the ogling children as they whispered amongst themselves. Their words weren’t very quiet though; they mostly consisted of varying sentiments involving Hancock’s presence in both the city itself and the school. “I’m sorry. I’m sure this is making you too uncomfortable. We can leave-”

“No, no.” Hancock felt his eyes widen. So damn kind, this one.  “I’ll be fine. I certainly know how to hold my own – I sure hope that you haven’t forgotten, doll.” He smiled when Sole did. “I just wanna make sure that you don’t end up in any sort of trouble for this.”

The snort that Sole let rip had Hancock chuckling. “As if they would even dare shake a stick at me,” she said. “I’ll be quick.” With that promise Sole turned quickly and scurried over to the robot who introduced herself as “Miss Edna”.

Hancock shifted nervously. A coup d’état he could handle. Attempted assassination, facing down bloody raiders, fighting a super mutant vis-à-vis – all things he could handle. All things he commonly did handle as most of these things he could knock off his to-do list on a typical Sunday morning in Goodneighbor. Staying cool under the probing eyes of children while standing in the middle of Diamond City?

Hancock’s turned towards the children at their desks. Immediately each of them became interested in the darling décor of the room as they turned to admire the stunning wood work of the splintering floor or the splash of color that was the teacher’s metal desk. He studied them for a minute before turning back to the comforting sight of Sole’s back (and backside).

The children broke into poorly suppressed tittering and anxious whispers.

The Diamond City security just down the stairs was starting to pace anxiously.

Ah fuck. Well I’ve trusted Sole to guide me so far, and she hasn’t faltered yet, Hancock acknowledged. Furthermore the junkie turned mayor-junkie had to admit that Sole had done more than just not faltered – she’d changed the way that he framed the world. Her kindness and drive to help people had Hancock tripping over his own feet only shortly after meeting her (well meeting her the second time around after the whole Bobbi-No-Nose business).

To say that Hancock was in deep, sappy, originally-only-read-about-in-books love with her would probably be getting the point across in a technical aspect, but it still lacked the depth and passion of his feelings for her.

But Hancock was Hancock and the things he’d done made him into something she didn’t deserve. He’d never regret those actions individually though, but he did regret the universe not giving him the chance to have met her earlier. Maybe before he got so cynical and bloody and ugly. But the wasteland was his home and his birthright and it molded him the same way it did with all its other inhabitants, it was Sole’s luck that she avoided having to grow up and marinate in something so foul as current “society” – and Hancock would never wish to take that away from her, not even in his fantasies of them being together.

Of course there was that small voice of his in the back of his head sometimes. She did flirt with you twice! Maybe even more. There’s something there. Speak of the devil and all that.

Hancock focused on the woman out of time once more. She had more scars than she started with, and her face was with some dings and bruises, and her hair had changed but… she still had that angel glow to her. As he watched her counting on her fingers (what was she doing?) Hancock felt his heart stutter a bit. Hi, my name is John Hancock and I can’t keep my fucking shit together. I enjoy finding new ways to fuck myself over. And you are?

“- I just… don’t get to talk to many adults.”

Immediately Hancock’s ears perked up and turned his focus back to Sole and her conversation with Miss Edna. What could that robot need an adult to talk to about? Could robots have sordid love affairs?

“This ‘love’ I hear about. Do you think you can have it for someone even if the two of you are very, very different?” asked Miss Edna.

To say that Hancock was invested in this conversation would be an abhorrent understatement. He watched as Sole tensed up and paused, his breathe baited.

Sole chuckled under her breathe before relaxing. “If you love someone, hold onto them. Don’t be afraid to tell them and remind them; the outside world is harsh and bleak and dangerous; tomorrow you might not have the chance. At the end of the day the differences between the two of you that might seem so big and scary, they’ll fade into nothing and you’ll regret the opportunities that you pass on more than the actions that you take…”

The floating robot bobbed anxiously. “Oh no, I’ve made you sad again!”

Sole shook her head. “No it’s fine. It’s not you. Just here I am giving advice that I’ve been to skittish to apply to my own life… I mean what I said though.”

“I… Thank you. You have helped me make up my mind about something.”

The two of them exchanged goodbyes but all Hancock could hear was rushing water in his ears. He couldn’t even acknowledge the fact that his theory on sordid robot love affairs might’ve been a guess in the right direction. He was much too distracted by Sole’s advice and the story that seemed to be hidden in her words. Is that what I need to do then? Hancock wanted nothing more than to take a hit of jet and maybe a handful of mentats to figure this out. It felt like her words were for me…

He hadn’t even noticed that he had robotically followed Sole out of the building until he bumped into her and pulled his spinning conscience back into his body. “Sorry…” he muttered.

Sole giggled for a moment before her face turned to concern. “Hancock… are you okay? I’m sorry! I took a bit longer than I thought and-”

Hancock shook his head. “Wasn’t that.”

“Then it was…?” Sole prompted.

“I…” Hancock fished for a way to run away from the conversation that seemed to be looming over their heads. But that’s what I’ve always been doing. This isn’t something I want to lose just because I’m as skittish as a brahmin. “Do we… do you got a sec? I need you to hear something.”

“Of course. I always have time for my favorite ghoul.”

Sole’s gentle smile had Hancock clenching his fists. Power through. Power through! Just fucking do it. Don’t fuck this up and chicken out like a shit, you stupid fuck.

“Is everything all right?”

Hancock nodded. “Yeah. Better than that even. This is just… tricky.” This was an entirely new area for Hancock and it wouldn’t be wrong to say that he felt like he was drowning a bit. But as Sole’s eyes board into his own, Hancock found himself feeling no reason to hide what was going on in his head anymore. “It’s just that being out here with you…” With one final breathe Hancock spilled his heart; he found that laying his feelings bare wasn’t as bad as he thought – at least not with Sole being the ever attentive listener. Sure it was stilted and painful for him for the first few moments but as he watched Sole’s face and noted the growing happiness that swelled behind her eyes as he waxed on about how traveling with her had made him so happy showed him so much. He had run so many times before but this time he didn’t want to and he wouldn’t. Couldn’t.

“Maybe in the end,” Hancock concluded, “all my running wasn’t so bad after all. Not if it meant that I could end up with you.” He was so close. Just a couple more words and he could reveal the romantic feelings that he harbored for his companion, his vault dweller in blue that showed up and knocked his boots right off.

Sole interrupted Hancock’s internal turmoil. “You know they always say that your past is your past and as long as you’ve learned from it and leave it there then you can forge ahead. All that matters is what you do from here on out.”

Her eyes so sincere and kind, Hancock immediately felt skittish. It would only make sense that he do what he knew how to do best: dodge, deflect, and joke. “Heh. I know a lot of bookies that would disagree with you,” he smiled and whipped out the bravado “but I feel what you’re getting at… Throwing in with you has been the best decision I’ve ever made. It’s like I found a part of myself that I never realized was missing… which happens sometimes when you’re a ghoul.”

“Hancock?” He could only blink at Sole in confusion. “You’re doing that thing again – joking like that to deflect from your emotions,” she explained as she tilted her head. “What’s really going on in that head of yours?”

“It’s just… if I hadn’t taken up with you I’d probably be in a gutter somewhere, getting gnawed on by radroaches.”

“And now you’re dodging,” she muttered with a pout.

Hancock couldn’t help but chuckle. “You’ve been one hell of a friend.”

Sole bit her lip; Hancock was very interested in the way that her eyes darted around. “Just…” She had started to ask something, but it trailed off into a low mumble.

“Come again?”

“It’s – have you ever thought of us as being more than friends?”

“… come again?”

Sole’s worried face turned to a glaring one. “I know you heard me, Hancock. You don’t have to mock me.”

“I’m not!” Hancock assured with raised hands. “You just kind of… snuck up on me there.” They locked eyes and Hancock sighed. “Come on. You don’t wanna have to wake up to this mug every morning. Never wish that on anyone I cared for…”

“That’s such fucking bullshit to say, John.” Hancock jumped at the use of his first name and the fire in Sole’s voice. “In case you haven’t noticed, we’ve been traveling together for a long time now and I’ve found waking up to that mug every morning to be extremely pleasant, I’ll have you know. I like you as you are right now; inside and out, I wish you could see yourself from my point of view,” Sole admitted. “And… as long as you don’t run out on me-”

“You just keep being you and that’ll never happen,” Hancock interrupted. His nerves were fraying and his pulse was in his mouth (he’d kill for a hit of jet at this moment but he didn’t dare), and he couldn’t stand to let her worry about something like that for a moment.

Sole sighed. “It’s just that I’ve been so invested in relationships where people have checked out and abandoned me and it wasn’t… fun. But if that’s a promise from John Hancock himself then I suppose I’ll just have to hold it to him.”

Hancock couldn’t fend off the smile. “Moments like this, I know all that karma stuff is bull because no one like me should be this lucky.”

With a giggle, Sole jumped forward to grab his hand. “Funny that you’ve echoed my sentiments exactly. But tell me, John, why bring this up now?”

“Well,” Hancock pulled Sole closer, “I overheard your conversation with that ‘bot-”

“Miss Edna,” Sole admonished.

“-Miss Edna, and your speech about loving someone and the differences between you and your love actually being smaller than what they seem – it gave me hope. Or inspired enough romantic stupidity. Something along those lines,” Hancock joked.

“Semantics.” Sole rolled her eyes.

With a chuckle, Hancock kissed Sole’s hand. “Come on, love. Let’s get this freakshow on the road.”

[anctssia-blog]

hellooo once again everyone ! lenny again, here to bring you a brand new muse because i truly couldn’t resist sophie’s face. i am very excited for dear ana here and everything you need to know about her is right below the cut !! ( i apologize for the length ... ajksl ) if you like what you see, be sure to give this post a LIKE and i’ll come at you for all the plots !!

( sophie turner. twenty three. cisfemale. she/her. ) ❛ anastasia helders-trenet, an aries from london, england, moved into holloway three years ago. they are a fashion student that lives in apartment 4c and their neighbors don’t particularly mind them. some say they can be self-indulgent and temperamental but others say they’re ambitious and passionate. anyways, one thing is for sure: you hear lush life by zara larsson, it’s ana blasting it.

↘︎ 𝓫𝓪𝓼𝓲𝓬𝓼 !

given name: anastasia helders-trenet

nickname: ana

age: twenty3

birthdate: april 10, 1995

hometown: london, england

occupation: fashion student / model

↘︎ 𝓱𝓲𝓼𝓽𝓸𝓻𝔂 !

born with a silver spoon in her mouth, anastasia was raised in the epitome of a posh, english household

her father is a successful ceo of a company she’s never really paid attention to, and her mother is a successful fashion designer. they’re far from ordinary parents ( i mean they named their children anastasia and maximilien.... cmon ) but ana has always been incredibly grateful for the life they provided her and her younger brother, max

you’re probably expecting some sort of rich kid sob story, huh? the whole boohoo my parents were never home, we were raised by nannies schtick but ana’s childhood was truly the opposite of that. sure, it was tough growing up with parents with such important, successful careers who often travelled for business, but ana and her brother never held that against them because they understood their parents were just incredibly passionate about their careers — plus, how could they complain when those careers paid for their designer clothes, music lessons, and extravagant vacays?

so yeah, anastasia lived an annoyingly spoiled, exciting, and picturesque life in london. her parents spoiled her and her brother with dream-worthy holidays and immersed them in so much culture, ana just drips of knowledge, passion, and curiosity now

they often travelled to france to visit her mother’s family so she speaks fluent french, learned italian after her first trip to italy when she fell in love with the culture, and can speak some broken german. she’s currently diving into spanish during her studies in nyc

she is quite honestly That Bitch.

for a bit more details about the helders-trenet household, you can check out evie’s intro for max!! she did a v good job of elaborating on their familial relationship

obviously she inherited her love for fashion from her mother. ever since she was little, ana has loved dressing up, picking her own outfits, and shopping through her mother’s closet. so it only seemed right that she ended up dreaming of pursuing her own career in the industry

when she turned 18, ana began modelling for her mother’s clothing line and fell in love with every aspect of the industry. for a year, she modelled for numerous campaigns and fashion shows until she eventually set her sights on working on the other side of the show. sure, getting her makeup painted on and hair curled was fun, but she yearned to actually create

when she was 19, she began studying fashion design in london. she may have learnt a lot from her mother, but ana wanted to make her own roots within the industry and not rely on her name for the rest of her life

for spring semester of her first year, ana decided to study abroad and travelled to new york city with a small group of classmates from her uni — and instantly fell in love with the city.

as an avid audrey hepburn enthusiast, ana’s expectation of new york city was quite high in her mind and she’d half been expecting to be let down. but, it was even better than she’d hoped and dreamed. she’d barely made it one step out of jfk before her eyes had lit up with her dream literally making itself a reality. by the end of her semester abroad, ana had made up her mind on moving to the big apple.

↘︎ 𝓹𝓻𝓮𝓼𝓮𝓷𝓽𝓵𝔂 !

after her trip was over, she returned to london to pack her things and say her tearful goodbyes to her family before returning to nyc as quickly as she could to start her new life walking the streets she’d grown up dreaming of walking through

obviously, she could have just asked her parents to rent her out a beautiful loft apartment in the heart of the city, but ana wanted to make her experience in new york her own so she found holloway on her own and moved in almost immediately after falling in love with everything about it

she enrolled in nyu’s fashion program and is now finally in her final year of schooling. at the end of the spring, she’ll be a graduate and finally be thrusted into the real world. she’s still a little unsure of what her future may hold for her ( mostly about whether she’ll stay in new york or return to london ) but she’s sorta just going with the flow right now

she still models on the side, mostly small shoots for local designers because she loves supporting them, but her mother often books her some bigger shoots here and there

↘︎ 𝓬𝓱𝓪𝓻𝓪𝓬𝓽𝓮𝓻 !

aesthetics: designer heels clicking against the pavement. a perfectly manicured hand waving down a cab. colour-coded notes and flashcards. late nights spent watching breakfast at tiffany’s. 

notable traits: ambitious, self-indulgent, passionate, creative, honest, temperamental, materialistic

best described as

her parents rooted a deep sense of confidence inside of her heart that often gets the best of her but who says you can be too confident? — probably lots of people but ana doesn’t care. her years of being pampered as the precious helders-trenet daughter prepared her for a life of getting what she wants, how she wants. she was taught everything comes at a price and to work hard to achieve her dreams, which is exactly what she will always do.

she definitely inherited her father’s determination, short temper, and ambition, but her mother didn’t fail to pass on her perfectionism, lust for life, and award-winning smile.

at first sight, ana can definitely be mistaken for a spoiled princess, the designer labels on her clothes and perfect make-up often turning heads and just radiating wealth. she’s been accused before of just taking advantage of her parents’ money and riding their coattails, but honestly she’s just making the most of what’s given to her while also striving to make her own name in the world. she doesn’t want to always be known as the helders-trenet daughter and that was part of the reason she dreamt of flitting off to nyc. in the city of anonymity, she was hopeful that she’d be able to surround herself with people who weren’t aware of her legacy and instead got to know her for her.

doesn’t easily let her guard down after years of priming to not be taken advantage of. she has a sweet smile and is so charming that you probably won’t notice that you know nearly nothing about her or her inner workings because she’s too busy distracting you with her sweet laughter and fluttering lashes

she truly is that Rich Friend™️ who will not hesitate to take you shopping when you’re sad or buy you celebratory drinks. she really cherishes her friends and, once you’re able to get through the trial run, you’re locked in for life. she likes to tell herself she doesn’t trust easily and is this stone-cold bitch, but she truly yearns for attention and love and constantly needs to surround herself with people

↘︎ 𝓼𝓾𝓶𝓶𝓪𝓻𝔂 !

once again, if you made it through all of that, you’re an icon. my intros are always Way Too Much

tl;dr: an english princess raised with a silver spoon between her rosy lips. all she’s ever known is love, excitement, and ambition and she constantly surrounds herself with it everyday. she traded in her precious london for her dream city three years ago when she set her sights on making a name for herself within the fashion industry. as a soon-to-be nyu graduate, she’s unsure of what her future will hold for her but is just excited to be on the ride honestly.

first things that come to mind when thinking of ana: clean marble decor, pink silk sheets, early morning jogs, melodic laughter, designer labels, afternoon mimosas, and careful sketches filling notebooks.

↘︎ 𝓬𝓸𝓷𝓷𝓮𝓬𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷𝓼 !

my wanted page for ana is a little under construction, i was able to write a couple connections that i really want for her but i’ll probably add more as time goes on ! i’m very open to anything though ok so just hmu

click right here to be taken to ana’s wanted page.

[kkoehn17]

Hello friends! We are back with another addition of favorites, and we’ve got some good stuff!

.

Podcasts

It has been a dark time without sports, and I have particularly missed baseball, but Off Air with Joe & Orel has helped fill the void. If you are a Dodger fan who has both missed the boys in blue and is excited they are finally coming back this week, this is the podcast for you!

Also, a big goal of mine for this year has been to get to know myself and find a better foundation in my values, beliefs, opinions, etc. To do that, I have made an effort to better educate myself on the different stories, perspectives and opinions of others. Over the last couple months, there has been a surge of resources, both in the news, on social media, and among friends and family and 1619 was definitely a standout. It is a well made, very thought provoking podcast that follows the start of slavery after the first ship carrying African slaves landed in Virginia in the year 1619.

.

Books

While I don’t always have the patience for suspenseful books (because I just want to know what happens NOW) The Woman in the Window was worth the read and especially worth the wait. It follows Anna, a psychologist who is currently unemployed and living alone due to a mysterious onset of agoraphobia. I listened to the audiobook  and I definitely had a few moments where I stopped dead in my tracks and gasped out loud.

Speaking of reasons to gasp, I am now listening to a book about dead bodies. Stiff is a book I started a while back and LOVED but never got the chance to finish. It is a very scientific read, but also finds a way to be quite funny as you learn about the lives (?) and history of cadavers, as well as the decomposition process as a whole. I will admit, it is not a book for everyone, but I think it’s absolutely fascinating.

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TV Shows

Depending on what you’re in the mood for, I’d first and foremost recommend Dark, which is a sci-fi show on Netflix that I’d love to explain and summarize for you but it is one of those shows that you just have to watch to understand. I was hooked after one episode and was constantly sending my brother (who recommended it to me) texts loaded with caps lock and explanation points as I watched the story unfold. Note: it is in German, but you can choose to watch it with subtitles or dubbed in English. Personally, I preferred the subtitles because I liked being able to hear the actors’ real voices. (You can find it on Netflix.)

Next, Normal People. Based on the book by Sally Rooney, this show follows the story of Connell and Marianne, who fall in love in high school, but have a lot of growing up to do  before they can find truly find their way to each other. It is beautiful and sad and a little frustrating at times, but so so good. Plus, I love any show that takes me to Ireland. (You can find it on Hulu.)

On the lighthearted, funny, and undeniably witty side: Never Have I Ever. I was pretty much sold on this show the minute I saw Mindy Kaling’s name on it, and it did not disappoint. The episodes are short and charming and often made me laugh out loud, I look forward to (and hope for!) another season. (You can find it on Netflix.)

And finally, my biggest commitment of the last couple months: The Last Kingdom. This was another recommendation by my brother, who has slowly become my Netflix guru. I was unsure at first if I could get into a show about Vikings in the middle ages, but by season three I was calling my brother, complaining that one of the characters didn’t even get to “die a warrior’s death.” So. It’s safe to say, I got into it. (You can find it on Netflix.)

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Music

I have mostly been in the mood for some slow, calming music these last couple months, but I have also had bursts of wanting to dance around to some fun, summery goodness. That being said, these are some albums that have given me both.

Lady Like by Ingrid Andress

Go Somewhere by John Splithoff

Patrick Droney by Patrick Droney

Golden Hour by Kygo

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Aveda Shampoo

I have long been at war with my hair and I had reached a point where I thought it was as good/clean/healthy/etc. as it was going to get, but this shampoo from Aveda has changed the game for me! It popped up as a recommendation for me after looking for shampoos that can help with the ever fun combination of a dry scalp and oily roots and it has truly made all the difference! Pro tip: wash your hair twice.  (You can find it here.)

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The Daily Page Planner

If you are someone who 1) loves being organized and 2) often has trouble staying organized, this planner is for you. It was recommended to me by someone I follow on Instagram and it is truly a treat. It helps you track your goals for the day, your water intake, your meal planning, and pretty much anything else you just want to write down and get out of your head. I like to sit down each morning and do it as I eat my breakfast, and even if I don’t get to check every box throughout the day, it is a great resource to better organize the jumbled mess that is my mind. (You can find it here.)

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Tangle Newsletter

This is perhaps one of my favorites of my favorites because it is something that I have been looking for for a very long time. I have subscribed and then unsubscribed to a number of e-newsletters, constantly discouraged by the one sided nature of the content or overwhelmed by my lack of understanding of the content. While I want to stay informed and aware of where I stand on important issues, I find it hard to form a valid opinion when someone is essentially telling me that if I don’t agree with every aspect of their opinion I am a terrible person. Thus, I bring you Tangle, a bipartisan newsletter that gives a good roundup of important facts and figures, and then focuses in on one important issue each day and breaks down the opposing arguments.  I am currently subscribed to the free newsletter, which sends you an email every Monday-Thursday, but there is more content available with a paid subscription.  (You can find it here.)

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Have anything you’ve been loving over these last couple months? Let me know!

See my previous favorites post here.

May/June Favorites Hello friends! We are back with another addition of favorites, and we’ve got some good stuff!

[downwithwritersblock]

tips on writing a bi character? things like stereotypes to avoid and stuff? Also, would it be considered offensive/opressive if I had the character end up in a boyxgirl relationship even though she's bi? Also, any ideas on how to let the reader know that she's bi without being like "This is A, she is bi."? You seem like really patient and helpful so I thought I would come to you first. Thank you sm!

No problem. I always have a lot to say on LGBT+ topics, So, Let’s get started and hope this doesn’t turn into a rant. 

Also, before I continue I want to make sure it is clear that I am not straight. I am a member of the community, and everything I say here is either from first or second hand experience. All my notes here are things that I have personally experienced, or have watched close friends experience. I can not speak for the preferences of every person who is LGBT+, but I can tell you my own personal pet peeves, and the things that make me uncomfortable when it comes to writing  LGBT+, and in this case specifically, Bi characters: 

Things to avoid: 

“Its only a phase”  One of the most common stereotypes or rumors about Bisexuality is that it is only a phase.  A time of experimenting sexually for a person that is chalked up to confusion, curiosity, or overly high sex drives(aka not being easily satisfied and wanting multiple sexual encounters, regardless of who it is with).  While it is okay and normal to experiment, and to want to explore your sexuality, please do not refer to Bisexuality, or people who are Bisexual as such. If you or your character is experimenting with their sexuality, and exploring their options, please do not call it Bisexual. Please refer to it as curious or experimenting or unsure. Bisexuality gets passed off as a phase far to often because of people mixing up curiosity or bi-curious, as their confirmed sexuality or Bisexual. If your character isn't sure if they actual are Bi or not, then state that. There is nothing wrong with not knowing the sexuality, or chalking it up to being not straight. If you’re character genuinely thinks(aka they are unsure and are leaning towards Bisexuality being their confirmed answer), or knows that they are Bi, then it is okay.  Just, Please do not make Bisexuality to be nothing more than a phase of curiosity or experimentation.

“They are only saying they are Bi for attention”  This one irritates me to no end, okay. When I was in middle school, being out was super rare. Like we had one person who was openly gay, and only like two people who were openly bisexual. (No, I was not among these people. At this time, I still thought I was straight.) After those three were out to the whole school, many other people started to come out as well. However, people started saying that those who were now coming out were only there to jump on the bang wagon, and were simply seeking attention. This followed into the early years of high school. Now the difficult thing about this is that some people at my school actually were just saying it so they could say it. I know this sounds bad, but honest to gods at my school, being Bi was a legitimate trend. I know many people that I heard (not through rumor, no, straight from the horses mouth) only said they were Bi because everyone else was, or because they thought it made them more attractive. Bisexuality was as much of a trend at my middle school as beaded bracelets and silly bands were. Because of this, people started to dismiss anyone who said they were Bi, even those who actually were Bi, and were long before the trend, and only came out then because of the confidence and somewhat normalcy it provided for leaving the closet. For years after that, many people around me bashed Bisexuality, claiming it wasn’t an actual sexuality, and was only a ploy for attention. Please do not pull this card anywhere in your stories, and if you do, only do it to slap down the idea. Being Bi isn’t a means of gaining attention, it’s a legitimate sexuality that many people identify as. Making it about attention seeking undermines the actual thing, and causes Bi-erasure. 

“Kink or over sexualizing”  Holy crap does this one bug me, and gross me out. No sexuality, including bisexual, is a kink. I know too many people, straight people, who only support LGBT+ people in the form of porn. I legitimately know people who watch Lesbian, bisexual, Gay, or Trans porn all the time, but be disgusted by the actual thing. I know straight men, who watch Lesbian porn, and think it’s super hot to watch two women get it out, but the second it’s an actual lesbian couple just innocently holding hands, or a mlm couple, it’s no longer okay. Like wise, I also know straight girls who love and fetishize mlm couples (usually only in terms of fictional characters) but don’t actually care about the Gay Rights Movement, or flf relationships. This disgusts me greatly. Also, I myself, or someone I closely know has been told how “hot” our sexuality is, and told that it would be “sexy” to watch us get it on with someone of the same gender, or engage in a three-way. Look, I know some people actually have kinks that include watching other people, or engaging in sexual activities with more than one person at a time, but do not sum up legitimate sexuality’s as kinks, and do not use our sexuality’s for your own kinks and then turn around and not support us in all aspects. Our sexuality’s do not exist for anyone other then ourselves(and our partners) and it most certainly does not exist to entertain other people. We don’t exist to fulfill your sexual fantasies.

“You always end up Gay or Straight in the end, therefor Bisexuality doesn't really exist.”  This is not how sexuality works!! If you are Bi and you get married or start dating someone of the opposite gender, you are not suddenly heterosexual! Just because you are in love, and have devoted yourself to one person, does not mean you no longer find other people attractive. You can still appreciate other peoples looks. You are still Bisexual. The same obviously goes for if you are Bi and start dating or get married to someone of the same sex. Just because you choose to be exclusive with someone does not mean other people stop being attracted to other people. Your sexuality does not go away when you date someone. Your sexuality only goes away if you suddenly discover something new about yourself, and learn something different that makes you think you actually are not that sexuality. There is more on the spectrum then just Gay or Straight. 

“Horn-Dog stereotype”  So there is this stereotype about Bisexuality that basically says that people that are BI (this stereotype also usually extends to pan-sexuality) are basically just sexual deviants. People who are just so horny that they will have sex with anyone, regardless of gender. This is basically just a side affect of people over sexualizing bisexuality, as I previously mentioned. People usually equate Bisexuality with terms like (I really hate these terms but I am going to use them so you fully understand what I am talking about) “slutty” or “whorish” , and while you can be highly sexually active and bisexual at the same time, the two are not attached.  People who are highly sexually active are not so only because of their sexuality. You can be Biromantic and Asexual or Demisexual or anything anything. Likewise, you can be Aromantic and Bisexual or Demiromantic and Bisexual or any other pairing. Your romantic and sexual attraction do not equate to, or fuel your sexual drive. Please avoid the “promiscuous bisexual” stereotypes. 

“If you're bi then you most like everyone”  (This is a stereotype that also extends to Pan-sexuality and actually most non-straight sexuality’s) Many people believe that someone who is bi is automatically attracted to anyone/everyone. I have met many people who thought that if you were attracted to their gender, then you must also be attracted to them specifically. So many times have I had to explain that I do not just automatically like everyone I see. People who are bi(or any sexuality really) still have a type. How loose or strict that type is depends on the person but it still usually exists. There are still preferences. Liking more then one gender does not equal liking every single person we meet. 

How to introduce Bi-Characters:  Most people don’t include their sexuality in their introduction, and if they do, it’s for specific reasons(usually to flirt). The best way to present a sexuality is to see it: 

The way your character notices other characters. A character taking extra notice of other characters, or acting in a specific manner around certain characters is a clear way to point out their interest in said characters. This is also how you can point out a characters sexuality. If your character takes special notice of characters of both gender, it will become evident that they like both genders.If your bi-character is describing others,  use romantic descriptions. “Beautiful” “Cute” “Pretty” “Gorgeous” are all things you can add on to a characters description to make romantic or sexual interest more obvious. “Brown eyes” is plain and simple, but if you add on “Gorgeous brown eyes” that obviously shows more appreciation, and if you show that appreciation for both genders, your reader will eventually get the hint that your character swings both ways. Seriously, just have your bi-character (if you are writing from their view point, or in their third person) describe their attraction to people of both sex. Easy. 

Your character being caught, or obviously checking out, hitting on, flirting with, or being romantic/sexual with people of more then one gender is another very obvious way to say that they like both genders. Show your readers ‘proof’ that they actually like both genders. It’s upfront and straight to the point. No baiting, no tip-toeing around the sexuality. Let your characters actually interact with and be attracted to people of both sexes. Be up-front about your characters sexuality, don’t hide it. 

Ask! Seriously, have someone simply ask. It’s not unrealistic to have another character ask what sexuality your other character is. I get it all the time in real life. People are curious, use that to your advantage. If another character sees them maybe hit on or flirt with someone,  and it surprises them, that’s fair grounds for the character to ask what the others sexuality is. They can also ask on behalf of themselves or someone else. If someone has interest in your character, it is reasonable to check their sexuality to see if they have a chance. If you like someone of the same sex, it would be normal to want to know if they also also liked members of the same sex. 

Gay Jokes. If someone is open and very comfortable with their sexuality, they will usually make casual comments or jokes about their own sexuality. Not everyone does this, obviously not, but I know a large majority of people who are not straight, and will very frequently make jokes, remarks or puns about their sexuality(myself included). I cant tell you how many times I have made a joke about my sexuality, only for someone in near by to automatically go “your not straight???” (Closet jokes are how my high-school theater teacher realized both me and my best friend were not straight.) Just don’t over do it or force them. Make sure the jokes or puns come naturally. 

Describing past or current relationships/attractions to people of both sex. If you can find a reasonable spot to naturally have your character describe an ex(s) of the same/opposite gender, that’s a very clear way of saying your character is bi. If your character is currently attracted to or dating someone one sex, simply mentioning someone of the other sex in the same context also shows your characters sexuality. It’s as easy as “Oh man, I used to have a huge crush on them.” or “My ex-partner was totally-” including a background of liking or  being with people of both sex is an obvious tip. 

Writing Relationships with Bi-characters:  As I mentioned earlier, being exclusive with someone does not make their sexuality suddenly disappear.  Your character is bi-sexual. If they are in a same sex relationship that does not change. If they are in a relationship with the opposite sex. That does not change. Make that very clear in your writing. You can still find other people attractive if you are in a relationship. If your female character is bisexual, you can put her in a m/f relationship if that’s what naturally happens in the story. It is only offensive/bi-phobic if you: 

Only say your character is Bi so you can claim you have ‘representation’ and then put that character in a ‘straight relationship’ so you don’t have to deal with writing a ‘gay relationship’ , thats Queer-baiting, and it’s also homo and bi phobic. 

Completely forget that your character is Bi once they are in a relationship. As I have stated multiple times, your sexuality does not go away just because you choose to be monogamous.  Your character can still admire and check out people of either sex while being with someone else. Stop erasing bi-sexual people just because of their relationship.  

Describe their attraction to the gender other then the one they are currently with/interested in as curiosity. As I explained earlier, that is bi-erasure. It’s okay to be curious and experiment, but don’t equate it to bisexuality. 

Say it just to say it. If you say your character is bisexual somehow, but then continue to write them as straight (or possibly, but not as commonly; as gay)  in every other aspect, you are most likely queer-baiting, and doing it simply to have a token character. If you want representation of bisexuality in your story, then have representation of bisexuality in your story. Don’t half ass it. Don’t fake it. All that will get you is a lot of complaints. Don’t just say your character is bi, actually make them bi. 

Dont make them a token! As I just stated, don’t do token characters. Don’t make your bi-character bi just for the sake of having a bi character. A person is not defined by their sexuality, stop writing characters as such. Don’t make characters just for the ‘sake of representation’ because that is not actual representation! They are bi because they happen to be bi, don’t make it their entire purpose or personality! I also guarantee you that they are not the only non-straight person in your story. If your story only has 5 or less characters then I could maybe, maybe buy the idea of only one person their being not straight. The spectrum of human sexuality is endless and flexible. If you try to tell me that your story only has one person that isn’t straight, then something is wrong.  

This came out way longer then I expected because yes, I did end up ranting a bit. But hey, I can’t help it. LGBT+ topics are personal for me, So, I always have a lot to say on the matter. I really hope this is helpful, and if you have any other questions, please feel free to ask. I wish you luck with your writing! 

And if anyone else from the LGBT+ Community has things they want to add, you are more then welcome to do so! I spoke with my own personal experience, and I can’t speak for everyone in the community. So if you think I missed something, or want to add some of your own personal experience, please do! 

[annavolovodov]

So I read Keep the Home Fires Burning Part Two and I have a few thoughts...

...and when I say a few I mean 2825 words worth. You can probably guess whose storyline most of them are on.

The thing is, the vast majority of this instalment was incredible with two character’s storylines in particular standing out as real highlights for me. Yet the fact that the quality of the rest of the book is so high makes those chapters so glaringly disappointing.

Spoilers under the cut!

Starting with the positives and one of my two favourite characters in the books so far - Pat. Her scenes have been utterly engrossing and I am so, so proud of the way she’s developed since 1x01. She may still be stuck with Bob but she sure as hell won’t let herself be trapped by him. She knows her worth and she’s biding her time.

As I predicted, Pat’s using the Mass Observation columns as an outlet to keep her sane. Since we know she has a literary background and has worked in publishing before, I am PRAYING that the observations she’s been detailing of her life will take off and the series will end with her as a hugely successful writer. Think about it: would it not be the ultimate vengeance against Bob, for her to achieve what he lacked the skill to? Of course I would love Bob to die but that  seems a tad contrived for Home Fires and forcing him to watch the woman he’s abused for years moving onto bigger and better things would be both a satisfying victory for Pat and would fit with the tone of the show.

Side note: I find Pat’s insistence to stick solely to the truth when writing to be an interesting contrast to her husband’s technique. Bob has a tendency to overdramatise aspects of his life and portray himself to be heroic and exciting when in reality, he’s the exact opposite. There’s probably a good meta in there for someone smarter than I am.

I can’t forego a mention of Pat’s quite frankly iconic dragging of Bob for almost a whole chapter. The revelation that she almost straight up murdered him a couple of years ago was unexpected but totally relatable. And some of the quotes from her writing?

“In my experience, men often like to sit around talking about doing great things, but it’s the women who get on and do them.”

“It makes me ashamed that we can be at war with fascist Germany yet exhibit the same base impulse to discriminate against people who simply don’t look like us.”

Pat is a great character.

AND THAT CLIFFHANGER. MAREK’S BEEN WRITING TO HER. HE’S ALIVE. THEY WILL BE TOGETHER AGAIN. FUCK YOU BOB.

As for my other favourite? Erica has been an unexpected highlight in the novels. Of those involved in the crash, I was pretty certain she’d make it. She never quite acquired her own storyline in the show, instead largely popping in and out of others plots as needed. I already had Will marked for death since he'd be killed off sooner or later with his illness so it was a nice surprise when he made it out (after saving Vivian!!! I still cry).

Or at least I thought it was a nice surprise right up till we found out his cancer had worsened and he had mere weeks left to live. When Dr Mitchell explained to Erica and Laura that he was nearing the end? When they went home and Erica decided she had to shoulder the burden and remain strong for the girls? Erica finally breaking down whilst the women of the WI held her? I full on sobbed at every single one of those scenes.

I think a lesser series would’ve killed Will instantly when the spitfire hit the house for the sake of drama and words can’t express how grateful I am that Home Fires didn’t, instead choosing to leave us with a poignant and painfully relatable exploration of terminal illness and grief.

I did appreciate the touches of humour in the Campbell’s storyline. Will literally pulled a “Surprise, bitch. I bet you thought you saw the last of me” on Erica like 70 years before the meme was invented. Incredible.

Dr Rosen is... intriguing, I guess. I don't dislike her. I think she has potential, even though I’m sceptical at the addition of yet another character when we have mains from S1 who have yet to make a significant impact in the book.

OH AND THE BATTLE OF WILLS BETWEEN HER AND MIRIAM??? The sort of content I paid 99p for. Poor Erica, getting caught in the middle of that. There were many great lines in this book, but I think this might just be my favourite:

“Erica felt a sudden rush of adrenaline, knowing Dr Rosen might get away with a comment like this with some patients, but not with Miriam Brindsley - a woman the rest of the village knew could single-handedly hold off a horde of invading Nazis with a gutting knife for a solid half-hour.”

If that doesn’t sum up Miriam as a character, I don’t know what does.

Speaking of the Brindsleys, do you know how satisfying it is to see them alive and flourishing after spending 15 months mentally preparing yourself to lose at least one of them?

I do.

I mean, they still have a huge target on their backs (Mim’s words in part one about how they’re blessed and are defo making it through the war? Yikes. An omen if ever I saw one) but considering their lack of page time I’m gonna gamble that we can quit worrying about that until Book 2 at the very least.

Moving on, I really did not go into this book expecting to care so deeply about Frances and Noah’s growing relationship yet here we are. Frances excessively calling to check on him every day was adorable. And this entire exchange with the head teacher was legendary:

"Frances didn't want to have an argument. She never wanted to have arguments with all sorts of people she eventually had arguments with; it was simply in her nature to be more challenging of other people's positions than they were used to. It put them on the defensive, and an argument would inevitably ensue. ‘I don’t wish to be confrontational –‘ There was a sudden snort at the other end of the line. Like the sound of someone choking on their tea, perhaps.”

I laughed.

However, despite the many, many positive aspects of this most recent instalment, there is one storyline in particular that singles itself out as Home Fires’ most glaring weak spot.

Of course, I’m referring to Teresa’s story and the awful place she’s currently occupying in the narrative.

Back when the whole Nick debacle began mid-S2, I figured I might as well give it a chance and see where it went. Simon Block was adamant on Twitter that Teresa’s endgame was not a man and what would be unfurling over the coming episodes was a historically accurate depiction of the trials lesbians faced during such time periods. It wasn’t ideal, nor was it what I expected for Teresa based around the promotional material released for S2, but the show hadn’t let me down yet.

And so I have waited, I have given it a chance, and based on the back half of S2 and the two instalments of KTHFB available so far, I am SO disappointed in what Simon Block has done with Teresa. Sure, things may improve in future novels, but right now I’m not sure I can adequately explain how much I hate this goddamn marriage.

Simply put, it is totally unnecessary. Every single aspect of it. Teresa’s chapters in Part Two were awful. I’m pretty sure we’ve established at this point that she is not into men. We do not need to read about her trying and failing to repress her attraction to women whilst having sex with Nick. Even if we absolutely unavoidably had to hear about Nick and Teresa’s sex life, we do not need aforementioned sex scene spread across the whole chapter.

I know this might be hard for Straight Guy Simon Block to understand, but I’m pretty sure exactly zero lesbians are going to want to read about a lesbian character who is struggling with compulsory heterosexuality having sex with a man. I’m bisexual and I found it sickening so God knows how that chapter is going to make lesbians feel. I strongly suspect that some are going to find it triggering, and if the storyline is triggering to the group it is supposed to represent you really have to ask yourself why you are even bothering to write the representation in the first place.

Teresa’s arc in the books so far has consisted of getting married, blaming herself for the crash because she feels like she isn’t taking the marriage seriously (seriously what the fuck was this???), Teresa having conflicting feelings about Annie, Teresa stuck at home worrying about her marriage, Teresa feeling awful whilst having sex with Nick, Teresa worrying about having children, Teresa having more conflicting feelings about Annie and Nick... Do we see a pattern here? Do we get any meaningful scenes of Teresa at school? Do we get any meaningful scenes of Teresa with her canonical close friends Alison and Steph, who she spent S1 and S2 building strong relationships with? Yeah, she occasionally gets a throwaway line in a group scene at a WI meeting, but what does Teresa really get to do outside of being emotionally tortured about her marriage? The change in format to the books has led to characters being isolated in their individual stories whereas the series could allow them to interact more freely, but it genuinely feels like Teresa is stuck in some sort of heterosexual hell and is allowed no reprieve.

And all of this feels completely divorced from S1 and the first half of S2??? S1!Teresa didn’t appear to have any sort of desire to marry a man in order to cover up her sexuality. From the limited screen time we had with them, the main reason the relationship between Teresa and Connie failed seemed to be due to interference from outsiders (aka the headteacher that blackmailed Teresa) and the simple fact that Connie and Teresa wanted different things. Nothing in the series suggested that Teresa was unsure or struggling with her sexuality. Nothing. When the synopsis for 2x04 came out and mentioned Teresa would be asked on a date, everyone immediately assumed it was Annie involved. The prospect of it being a man never crossed our minds because it just seemed so ridiculous.

Another aspect I’m struggling to comprehend is why Alison pushed Teresa towards Nick. There’s no logical explanation for this. Alison knew about Teresa’s sexuality. Alison was fine with it and explicitly wanted her to stay because - and I quote - she “enjoyed having her around”. So how on Earth did we get to this point, with Alison encouraging Teresa to marry a man she barely knows and can never love? The fuck did that come from? The reasoning was murky enough in the show but it’s even worse in the books. Chapter 17 is essentially Alison sitting alone in her house feeling depressed, missing Teresa, lowkey regretting telling her to go but consoling herself because “at least Teresa is in a happy marriage now” or whatever...

In what universe does any of this make sense?

Yet another person being screwed over by this whole shitshow is Annie. Marek was also introduced in S2 as a love interest for Pat yet he’s somehow obtained significantly more screen time and development than Annie. Despite appearing in four episodes and two instalments of the book I feel like we (and Teresa) barely know her, which is absolute bullshit if they’re seriously intending for her to be Teresa’s endgame. They’ve had three conversations! Any romantic relationship between two women should get equal, if not more focus than the hetero ones especially if they’re the only f/f romance on the show. One of the central themes of Home Fires is relationships between women so I cannot understand why the ball has been so spectacularly dropped here. It’s not fair on Teresa to get all this suffering and a half-baked romantic subplot, it’s not fair on Annie to be essentially non-existent as a character beyond her possible relationship with Teresa and it’s certainly not fair on any wlw reading/watching, desperate to see themselves represented and being given scraps.

Even if Teresa's marriage is over soon (which I'm not holding my breath about), I can't see how she'll get a happy ending with Annie in the village. I highly doubt Nick would be okay with her continuing to live with him whilst she was in a relationship with Annie. Getting a divorce and moving in together would arouse a ton of suspicion and defeat the purpose of Teresa’s marriage in the first place. The only way for them to be able to live as a couple would involve moving away and starting afresh... Exactly what Connie proposed in S1, only for Teresa to turn down because she’d feel much more comfortable living a quiet life in the village than going off to a strange place. Having her suddenly change her mind now after clearly explaining her decision to Connie would result in everything post-1x04 feeling utterly redundant.

I just... this whole plot was totally avoidable. It didn’t need to happen. In a more logical universe:

After the First Aid course, Steph notes Teresa’s discomfort at the casual homophobia, and when coupled with her Meaningful Look at Annie as she cycled away, Steph promptly puts two and two together (remember Steph noticing how quickly Teresa wanted to get away after that comment? Remember the close friendship Steph and Teresa have? Simon Block sure doesn’t).

Once she hears about the impending wedding, Steph gently asks Teresa if she’s sure she wants to do it. Teresa half-heartedly assures her that she loves Nick, so Steph - because she’s a good friend and this show is supposed to be about women helping each other - decides to go and speak to Annie.

Annie and Steph end up staging an intervention and in an important and touching scene, tell her she deserves better than having to hide herself in a marriage to a man.

Teresa, feeling supported and loved by her friends, calls off the wedding.

Nick fucks off and becomes irrelevant.

Steph and Annie’s intervention forces Alison to consider why she pushed Teresa away (spoiler alert: it only really makes sense if it was because she was trying to push away feelings of her own).

Teresa, Annie, Alison, Steph and later Joyce start a wlw group during which they talk about how gay they are and how straight people suck. Nothing bad happens to any of them ever.

See how easy that was? The evils of heteronormativity are depicted in a way that doesn’t cause a lesbian to suffer for months trapped in a horrible loveless marriage.

I really can’t express how disappointed I am in this storyline. Home Fires has handled numerous other sensitive topics well but this marriage plot is an absolute mess right now. I do apologise for going on such a rant about it and I hope my comments make sense. As a bisexual, I’m not as qualified to speak on this particular matter as others in the fandom may be and I hope I’ve not stepped out of turn, but I felt that something needed to be said about what’s happening with Teresa right now and I wasn’t sure if anyone else was going to say it.

Miscellaneous things I’m not going to elaborate on because this is far too long already:

I badly miss Sarah, the Farrows, the Brindsleys, Claire and Spencer, and everyone else who is currently out of rotation. Hope you’re all doing well, folks.

Also missing some of the best dynamics of S1/2. As mentioned earlier, everyone is kinda stuck in their own bubble interacting with the same people over and over again. I particularly want more Frances/Joyce, Teresa/Alison and Teresa/Steph interactions.

Of all the random secondary characters in the show, of course it’s Mrs Talbot who returns for the books. I groaned when I saw her name.

Maybe in some ways I’m glad the show got cancelled because at least I don’t have to witness the Teresa/Nick sex scenes with my own eyes. It was bad enough having to read it thank you very much.

If you’ve made it this far you deserve a medal for your stamina and, as ever, my inbox is always over if anyone else wants to discuss/theorise/rant with me.

See you all again on September 21st for what I’m sure will be another 2000+ word rant!

[gourmetpunk]

Holy shit, this has to go somewhere, so uh...

If you haven’t read my previous post on how much I hate my current (thankfully) temporary job, I will try and summarize it quickly in the following three statements:

1. I was hired for a job based on a negligent supervisor’s misreading my email and realizing too late that I don’t really have the skills they want, so I do a whole lot of nothing most days and feel useless most of the time.

2. Said supervisor is an absolute nightmare and completely incompetent at their job.

3. Government bureaucracy is slowly killing me and I have no idea how anything gets done ever.

Now that that’s out of the way, let me introduce a co-worker of mine who I will code-name “K” to protect their identity. K is close in age-range to me and has only recently graduated, having worked in our government department for only the last couple years. They are also an incredibly hard worker, possibly to an unhealthy point.

And they have to be on account of our mutual supervisor’s incompetence. It has not gone unnoticed by me that whenever we get an “urgent request” (which I am only just starting to understand what they are; my supervisor *shockingly* neglected to explain any of the process of our team’s most common form of work to me), K is working non-stop. This is likely not made any easier by the fact that because our supervisor isn’t very interested in putting any effort into training me properly, K ends up teaching me most of the practical things I have learned in this job.

OK, background’s over, story time begins: over the last two days, our supervisor was away sick (understandable). They assigned everyone on our team tasks to work on by email. I was given an extremely difficult task that I had no experience in whatsoever. This difficulty is not purely my own subjective opinion; naturally, I had to ask K for help on it (who, don’t forget, was given tasks of their own to work on alongside this) and they noted it was particularly tough to complete, especially given a clearly-stated deadline of the next day in the email. I’ve italicized and bolded that because it will become important later.

So basically K and I work non-stop on this project for the last two days with reduced break-times, etc., K doing most of the work seeing as they’re the one actually familiar with the type of task and pretty much teaching me along the way. During this time, our supervisor is very slow in responding to any questions we send them over email - this is not unusual behaviour for them, just more frustrating than usual. At least two of our questions stemmed from the fact that their original email was so poorly written as to cause some sentences to become almost completely indecipherable. Please keep this point in mind too.

By the end of the second day, we are exhausted and frustrated but nearly finished. We’re just dealing with some printed documents that need to be highlighted, but we’re not entirely sure where, so we decide to ask another manager who is present in-person that day for advice. Keep in mind that this is not a task that could be accomplished over email or any communication channel other than in-person as it involved a physical document.

We go to the manager and they notice that we look kind of panicked (I will add a side not here that this particular manager is actually helpful and nice in comparison with our own and has given me the majority of the work I’ve completed this semester). They ask us what’s up and we explain; they say to hold on while they call our supervisor, who they put on speaker-phone.

Our manager proceeds to claim that they never stated that the project was due that day, that they told us it was not urgent and basically everything but that we were wasting everyone’s time. They then proceeded to send us a passive-aggressive email asking us why we thought it would be due that day and why we went to another manager instead of them.

In response, I sent them the original email with its due date and pointed out that none of their emails contained any reference to the project’s non-urgency and that it concerned high-level staff approval, which is what led me to believe it was urgent. I then explained that the other problem could not have been solved except by a manager who was there in-person.

They send me back an email that largely ignores what I had written, stating that I should have asked about its urgency if I was unsure of it (which I wasn’t) and that I should always come to them first with problems (which, if you’ve been paying attention, why the hell would anyone with this one?).

But more importantly, my supervisor does something really unethical here: in between my reading the email and responding, they send K (who has also received this email) the same questions in an accusatory manner over our private government chat on which records of conversations are deleted after the program is closed.

I only know this because K actually took me out into the hall to talk to me about it because they were scared. Apparently K’s performance review has been going on for the last 6 weeks and has been steadily going downhill.

I am stunned.

Please tell me how this is right. K is ten times harder of a worker and approximately as many times as knowledgeable on any of the subject matter. K did absolutely nothing wrong in this situation. How could they possibly be blamed for any step of this?

I am coming to understand that our supervisor has a very serious issue: they have insufficient communication skills to properly work in the job they have. This has been apparent in almost all of our communications, including recently a point where (I shit you not) they began to read a table (one that K and I assembled) from right to left and complained about not understanding it before reaching the left of the page, stopping and saying “Oh...now I see. But you should make this more clear!”

But it’s worse than that. Look, I personally believe there should be no shame in finding yourself in this awkward workplace situation where you realize you lack some important skillset. The workplace changes all the time and let’s be honest, the job market is inefficient as hell at fixing this. It can be awkward when you’re in a higher-up position because you’re supposed to look like the All-Powerful Boss, but I guarantee you that your employees will respect you more if you admit that you have a gap and are trying to work on it or find some kind of work-around.

Our supervisor, however, does not seem to have figured this out. Instead, they pick on individuals to scapegoat for all their mistakes. And they smile, and they act very nice to all other co-workers so no one suspects it. But they are effectively a bully in the classical definition I experienced back in grade school: one who is insecure about some aspect of themself they see as deficient and try to make up for it by re-directing mockery to a chosen target in a subordinate position. Our supervisor doesn’t “write badly”; we just don’t read them carefully. They don’t “read badly”; we just don’t write clearly enough. In fact, I believe that the only reason I am not technically the “chosen scapegoat” in this situation is due to my status as a student, meaning I can’t really be fired except for doing something truly awful (though this doesn’t stop much of the blame from being deflected onto me much of the time, too).

Do this, and I guarantee you it is only a matter of time before someone notices what you’re doing and calls you on your shit. If this keeps up (and most importantly, if I see K fired in the time I’m working here), that someone might just be me. At the very least, I plan to contact the school department that got me this job and recommend that they never allow this supervisor to hire another student of theirs again.

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

[moebiusacquisitions]

Existence 1

This is the first chapter of a story I felt inspired to write after reading @hunterbahamut‘s Partners and Reunion stories, which are themselves based on @teamprototype‘s characters.  

It’s got Syn in it.  And takes place on Hoth Wintera.  Mostly.  

Enjoy, I guess?

-------

They perceived the universe swirling around them before anything else. Even before they became self-aware, or could feel their own body, the glittering stars spun around them.  The stars appeared as streaks at first, but gradually slowed down, until their movement could no longer be clearly seen, but what they were could be recognized.  The vision of the universe spinning narrowed before them, until they could only view a small portion of it.  Understanding that they had eyes now, a front and back, and a body, followed shortly after.  They looked down, raising arms that had not been there before.  Long, white and gray-tipped claws at the end of red-furred, thick arms greeted them.  They twisted their long, flexible body, looking at themselves.  A forked tail with spines, short legs, white belly.

Their identity returned during this self-examination. They… he was Syn.  And he was confused.  Where was this place?  He seemed to be floating somewhere in deep space, outside of an atmosphere or any kind of space station.  There did not even seem to be anything but distant stars visible from where he was now.  Momentary panic made him gasp, checking if there was air around them and if he was suffocating.  No air filled his lungs, but he did feel like he was in need of any oxygen, either.  He hung there, suspended in this strange spot in space, unsure of the reason why he was here.  

Then, slowly, memories began to bubble to the surface.  He did not have a lot of them to relive.  Several months, spanning from waking up on Techkanis 9 to the day when he had been dying after a fight with drawings, and had agreed to allow himself to be separated by the jump engine.  Most of all, though, he remembered Zech. Where were they now? Syn tried to figure out where he was by the locations of stars, but he was not an expert on starmaps, so he could not figure out where he was, much less Zech. Out of desperation, he called out into the void. “Hello?”

Syn’s voice sounded odd, like he could only hear it in his throat, rather than it coming back through his ears.  Maybe without any air around, there wasn’t anything for his voice to bounce off of.  Something heard him, though.  In front of him, several clusters of stars shifted.  They did not really move so much as ripple and warp, like something in front of them was distorting space.  The distortion gradually took shape, until it seemed to be something unfathomably long, that looped around the place where Syn was, like some sort of serpent,  before stretching on into the distance.  He could not tell how far away it was, or how big it was.  This thing could be lightyears away, and larger than the galaxies beyond it, or only a few dozen feet away.  Something like a head formed last, and tilted to regard Syn. Two stars in the distance behind it glowed brighter, somewhat like eyes.  It seemed vaguely reptilian, but it was difficult to make details out.  Syn raised a claw and waved nervously at it. “Uh… hello?”

Existential reconstitution. Completed, finally.  It was not so much a voice as a force that washed over Syn.  

He could feel his fur rippling under it, and his whole body vibrate like he was under a gale wind. It didn’t hurt, but it was somewhat overwhelming to have to experience, and he winced, trying to take a step back instinctively.  There was no ground to stand on, though, so he just sort of waved his legs around and stayed in place. 

Form. memory. Self-awareness. Missing components, minimal. Acceptable outcome.

Syn instinctively pressed his ears down against the top of his head in an attempt to muffle the psychic bellowing.  It didn’t help, so he shakily called out, “H-hey.  Could you.. Tone it down a little? That’s too loud...”

The entity - he was having a hard time thinking of something his big and weird as anything else - seemed to pause, regarding him for a long few moments. 

Limitations noted. Adjusting aspect perspective. 

The warped space coiled around him around him returned to a normal view of of the stars, and the great reptilian-like head flattened out, leaving Syn floating alone again.  He frowned, and started looking around and wondering what had happened, when a sphere of light flared into place in a few feet in front of him. It looked somewhat like a tiny, bright star. He could tell it was close this time, because it was casting light on his fur.  Apologies extended. Inexperience. Communication in limited reality framework.  Difficult.

It wasn’t so bad this time. They were still using some sort of telepathy, but it didn’t feel like it was shaking Syn apart now.  “Uh… no problem. So, where am I? Who are you?”

The small star pulsed several times before replying. Request. Irrelevant information. Task to be completed. Focus attention on designated purpose. There was almost a kind of primness to the tone now, like it felt Syn was being impertinent. This sort of annoyed him, actually.  He was floating out in the middle of space and the only thing here was telling him he shouldn’t ask questions and do some kind of mission for it? This was worse than how Wart acted. “Uh, no. If you want something from me, answer my questions. What are you, and why did you bring me here? What happened after they turned on the jump drive?”

The star flickered, and was silent for a long period, before stating in a tone clearly edged with irritation. Purpose for existence. Completion of task. Higher priority. Syn folded his arms and scowled at the pushy little star.  “Too bad. I’m not some minion you can just order around.” The star flickered again, somewhat like it was muttering to itself.  Resistance noted. Regrettable. Insufficient time. Re-attempt of existential reconstion. Unfeasible. The star pulsed in something like a sigh. Request to negotiate terms of service. Will be accepted.

Syn wasn’t sure he liked this thing’s tone, but it sounded like it was going to start answering his questions. “Alright, fine. Where am I, and how did I get here? What are you?”  The tiny star flared, seeming to spin for a moment, before it replied, Observer. Caretaker. Present location. Temporal space region 3924.19.  Within closed causality sheath 6912. Existence, result of reconstitution.  Syn blinked once, trying to puzzle that out.  After a moment, he shook his head, frowning. “Okay, ‘caretaker’.  That doesn’t really answer what I wanted to know.  Why am I here?  And what do you want from me?”

Purpose of reconstitution. Completion of task. Providing summary. The star blinked a couple times, then space around them shifted again, and they were both hovering in space above a planet. The planet was a dull grey and white, thick with cloud cover.  It looked cold and desolate. Syn thought it looked familiar, and after a moment, he realized he recognized it as one of the Alliance worlds.  “Wintera? Why are we here?”  The star actually moved for the first time, drifting slightly towards the planet. Temporal anomaly present. Surface of planet. Formation of destructive paradox tesseract has begun. Shutdown of source, required.  Prior to catastrophic timeline collapse event, preferable.

Syn rubbed the side of his head.  He was smart, but some of the language here was a bit confusing.  This caretaker did not seem used to talking people in simple terms. “So.. someone’s doing something bad down there, and you want me to stop it.”  The star blinked once.  Information correct. 

Syn nodded slowly, still frowning, and looked around at their new location.  “You uhm… you teleported me really long way just now.  And I get the feeling you are very powerful. So.. why don’t you fix it yourself?”

The small star quivered, and their vantage point of the planet shifted as they moved around it, until the larger star in Wintera’s system came around the horizon.  It was brighter, and more distant than the one carrying Syn around. Actions limited. Considered orchestration of supernova event. Post-calculation determination. Unacceptable consequences for action. Sentient species present in solar system. Early destruction of tesseract deemed subpar. Final determination, subtler approached needed. Identity, Syn.

Syn shook slightly, really wanting to be somewhere else right now. “I… you considered blowing up their entire solar system just to stop something on the planet’s surface?” He bit his lip, taking a deep breath to calm himself.  “Y-yeah, okay.  Seems like you made... the right choice, asking me instead..”

The star pulsed, and they moved back around the planet, hovering over the spot they had before, and started drifting downward towards the planet’s surface. Almost timidly, Syn asked, “But.. why me? Not that I’m against you.. not blowing up a planet..” The response came a few moments later, as they were approaching the icy clouds below.  Tesseract formation. Result. Creation of unstable temporal-spacial paradox reality pocket around origin. Temporally rooted entities, unable to function for task.

As they passed through the clouds, which seemed to go through them, rather than part around them, Syn nodded, considering this information.  “So.. I’m not ‘temporally rooted?’  The star flared once in affirmative. Entity Syn, exists, but does not exist. Component parts, separated. Entity Syn, unable to exist in stable universe. Simultaneous to component parts. Things finally began to make sense.  His ears drooped, and he slumped a little in place.  “Oh… so they did manage to separate them.  And I’m… gone.”  Syn wondered if Zech was okay, and how long it had been.  It hurt just thinking about it.  But… maybe there was still something he could do. As they approached a mountain range below, Syn bit his lip again, and turned towards the small star. “If I… help you with this.. Can you do something for me?”  It flickered, then resignedly replied, Unused to negotiation. Current standpoint. Unable to refuse.  State request.  

“I’d… like to be able to be with Zech again. Even if it’s only for a little while.”

[encounter21]

When the Bodies hit the Floor: PvP and You

Everyone defines PvP differently, but at its core it is players working against other players. I find it one of the most enjoyable aspects of larp, but it is a deeply divisive topic. To a lot of people, PvP is a dirty word, evoking pointless deaths ('toilet muggings', as the UK larp lingo goes), however it can (and does) add alot to certain types of games. It is also important to understand that it encompasses a much wider range of behaviors that stabbing someone up in a dark corner. Having said that, there are some things to think about before including PvP as part of your game, both as a player and a game runner.

What PvP is: I (and thus this blog) define PvP as players working directly against other players. I always split it  into two categories dependent on the methods being used: violent and social. Violent PvP involves stabbing people up, and is by far the most straightforward. It’s worth noting that this violence is almost always intended to be lethal. Social PvP is the act of using non-violent means to work against other players. It encompasses rumors, political cartoons, shouting down, political maneuvering, lying, manipulation, etc. It is by far the most common form, but it easily be just as lethal as direct violence in the right setting (Think Cersei in Game of Thrones. She is never the one holding the knife).

What PvP is not: I am not talking about people who simply go around killing other characters for no reason. Personally I think this is a bit of a strawman anyway; though character motivations are not always obvious, the majority of people still have them. FOIP can often make it hard to find out people's motives, and it’s very easy for hurt feelings to cloud judgment, but it always worth taking a step back from the situation. I personally recommend talking over things at debrief if you still have some negative feelings about it. You might not get closure depending on the game, but it is a good step in reinforcing your IC/OC boundaries. The other thing to remember is that PvP is rarely civil, which is where it differs from conflict. Conflict is when two players disagree, PvP is when they *do* something about it. A discussion is rarely going to be PvP,  A shouting match will almost always be.

Why I dislike systems with blanket PvP bans: I agree that violent PvP doesn’t belong in every system, however I think it must be remembered that UK larp is not a collaborative story telling exercise. It is at its core competitive (in much the way real life is). Everyone has goals. Conflict is 100% necessary for a decent game. Making this kind of conflict unacceptable on an OC level causes problems. For one thing, people all define PvP differently. While it is a term that is used everywhere, I have never found a consensus on its meaning, which means certain actions will be considered as cheating by some people and not others. So let’s say you solve this with a no Violent PvP rule. For some games this is a good approach (so long as it is clearly stated. Never expect your players to read your mind), but not all. I am not advocating for completely lawless systems; consequences are a large part of Larp. However, I larp to escape feeling helpless. I can always be proactive in larp. Sometimes knowing PvP is an option (even if it’s a very dangerous, bad one) is that little extra detail that stops you feeling trapped. Having had a lot of problems with sexism at games, knowing that if things got truly unbearable *I could* address it IC (with horrific consequences of course) was the only thing keeping me sane. Think about what works for your games, but before instituting a blanket ban think about why you are doing so, and what you gain.

Harsh IC consequences are often enough to stop motiveless pvp,but leave options open for people willing to take the risk.    

Bullying, Boundaries and PvP: Unfortunately, PvP can occasionally be used as an excuse to bully people, both in and out of character. By all means, play a dick, but there is an art in knowing just where that line is. Larp is meant to be fun. And while conflict and losing are part of that fun, there are times you need to take a step back and think about both the IC and OC implications of what you are doing. For example, picking on someone who has never larped before is not the same as going after a very experienced roleplayer. Of course, it can be difficult to tell the difference, and I’m not saying you should let new players get away with everything regardless of IC motivation, characterisation etc. But you should be considerate of OC factors. Similarly if you know someone has just had lots of upset with a real-life partner cheating, perhaps don’t rub similar experiences in their face in game. Its legitimate roleplay, but also makes you kind of a dick. PvP can be done in more than one way, and some is much more interesting to interact with (as the victim, or even as a bystander) than others. For example, what to do if there is someone you don’t like in your tent. You could kick them out. This is an acceptable form of social pvp, but it is a short action that has no further interaction. The person you have kicked out is gone. You could alternately let them stay but make lots of snide comments, and make it clear they aren’t welcome. This interaction will last longer thus providing more roleplay for everyone involved and also allows for much more reaction (and retaliation) on their part. While PvP is inherently healthy for most systems, there is more than one way to skin a cat. And the method that involves the most roleplay for the most people is generally the best one. If you are really unsure about boundaries, talk to people OC about them. But be warned, although people often get very upset about PvP, this doesn’t inherently mean you did something wrong; character death is often a very emotional subject. Debriefing with people afterwards is generally a good plan if your game allows for it.

There are no hard and fast rules, but I do suggest thinking about things before you do them. Good questions to ask are: Will this create game? How would I react if this was done to my character? Are there any OC factors I should take into account? Do I have a good IC reason to do this? Am I willing to deal with the (inevitable) retaliation?

Unilateral PvP: If you involve yourself in any form of PvP, you need to be ready for PvP to be aimed back at you. This is not a general statement, it is a fundamental truth. I have run several games where people have indicated they love pvp but also asked never to be targeted. This is an impossible state of affairs for a couple of reasons.

1) Anyone being immune robs all other players involved of their player agency. There must always be a way to fight back.

2) You really should not be dishing things out that you are unwilling to deal with yourself. If you think being on the receiving end of PvP is a terrible thing that will ruin your game, then perhaps you should not be inflicting it on others.

Personally, my best character deaths have all been at the hands of other players, and losing at such conflicts is as much of my definition of PvP as being the one with the dagger (or blackmail information). It is not everyone’s jam. And that’s fine. There is nothing inherently good or bad about liking different sorts of games, but part of player agency is there being consequences to actions. After all, actions are meaningless if they do not have any sort of impact. And in the case of PvP those consequences will almost certainly come in the form of more PvP. You can not play a violent, aggressive character who shouts at everyone and expect no one to take issue.

Knives-out, Knives-in: Group design and PvP: Some people don’t like PvP, and that is perfectly fair. And if people want to avoid PvP in their games that is perfectly legit. When you are designing a group for a game, I recommend having one of two policies: Knives-in (intergroup PvP is legit) or Knives-out (The group are a unit, unless something really dramatic changes in uptime all conflict should be pointed outwards). If you agree your group is Knives-out, you should do what you can to keep it that way. Sometimes characters evolve and change in a way that this becomes impossible (if your IC sister steals your IC girlfriend you don’t need to sit there and take it without comment), but you should never go out of your way to break a knives-out rule. Betrayal is absolutely some people's jam, but other people hate it. If they are in a knives-out group, chances are they hate it. OC communication is really really important for this. My first group concept one of my friends was secretly playing a nightmare cultist the whole time and betrayed me horribly leading to my character’s death. I was 100% cool with this. And it worked because she knew I was down for a knives-in group. However I have friends where something like that would have ruined their entire game. And that’s fair. The important thing is making sure everyone is on the same page. I would state however, having a knives-out group doesn’t mean the rest of your group are obliged to go along with whatever you do. Conflict can still exist. People will still play their characters, you might not all agree on every point. It just means PvP and betrayal will be the nuclear option (Think of it in terms of real world friendships. I don’t agree with everything my friends do. I am happy to tell this to them, but I don’t undermine them, pick fights or put them in bad situations on purpose).

Roundup: As always, the most important things are IC/OC boundaries and Communication. When you are involving yourself in PvP just take a second to think about motives (were you just stabbed in the dark? Ask yourself why someone might want to do that) and make sure conflict stays inside the game. If you get a chance to debrief with people you have pvp (or really any sort of intense RP with) then do so, even if it’s just a chat over messenger.

TL:DR

No one really agrees on what PvP actually is

So it’s best to use a broad definition of: Anytime you are working directly against other PCs

Never dish out anything you aren’t willing to take

Think about what is fun for both parties and how to make PvP inclusive rather than exclusive

OC communication is key, make sure you debreif.

PvP is not a dirty word

[thebloggerryan-blog]

The Last of Us Part 2 Trailer 2 Analysis

Ryan Toscano

10/30/2017

Recap:

So the second trailer for The Last of Us Part 2 has dropped, and while there was no gameplay, no Ellie, and no Joel, there is still a ton to take away from this trailer. The opening black is coated with the sounds of rain and thunder in a forest. We are looking up into the trees until the camera moves down revealing two hooded figures dragging someone into the dense forest. One of these figures looks like a large man, and the other a women, so I can’t be the only one who was wondering if this was Joel and Ellie.

It isn’t. Instead we see a couple of big “goon” types, and a braid haired woman who seems to be some sort of cult leader. We’ll get to this in a little bit. The scene is in The Last of Us fashion, and by that I mean grim. The only source of light is from the source of a torched car, and hanging in the trees are bodies… gutted bodies. And unfortunately for the lady being dragged in the woods, this seems to be her fate, as she is swiftly strung up by her neck and promptly lifted. A bucket to tip toe on the only means to prevent asphyxiation.

The women reveals herself to her apparent victim and takes out her shiv. “You are nested with sin” she claims just before lifting her shirt and placing that blade upon her belly. “Nested” is such a perfect word here in this world. Creating “nests” is exactly what clickers do. From underground subway systems to college dorms, nests are clickers specialty. Just this simple choice of word creates a level of horror. Then the braided women tells her to “breathe in” which can’t help but bring my mind to the fungal spores of the infected.

A scream from the woods sends a goon off to the forest, and he comes back with another goon, holding a young girl by her arms. This girl is named Yara. We learn this from the braided cult leader as she approaches. I say “cult leader” because she specifically calls Yara (and Lev, we’ll get to him soon) an“apostate.” An apostate is someone who renounces a religious OR political belief. One small detail later in the trailer leads me to lean on the religious end of the spectrum. This being when Lev refers to the infected/clickers as “demons.”

Upon the cult leader requesting to know where “the other apostate” is, Yara spits in her face. A defiance that brings me back to Ellie snapping David’s finger during the incredible “Winter” sequence of the first game. This leads to another interesting use of dialog, when the goons are ordered to “clip her (Yara’s) wings.” There is one true as blue winged animal that is a focus in The Last of Us and that is a firefly.

Yara’s left arm is brutally smashed in with a hammer. This is the kind of brutality you get with The Last of Us, and the scene continues to deliver when an arrow pierces through the face of the goon ready to smash Yara’s remaining working arm, and then another through his heart. Lev is apparently a damn good shot.  The distraction allows Yara to grab the hammer and smash the face of goon #2.

Yara raises to her feet grabbing the hammer, as cult leader raises her gun, only to be distracted from a shot in the woods. All this time leaves the viewer, and the cult leader, to forget about the chick they noosed up on the tree. She wraps her legs around the cult leader's throat, slowing her down just enough for Yara to smash the sharp end of the hammer through the cult leader’s temple. The first struggle is over and it’s wake the women left on the noose is left dangling without a bucket, choking.

Lev reveals himself from the woods, claims that the “demons are coming,” and is told by Yara to “cut her down.” He denies her at first, claiming that she’s “one of them,” but is convinced when Yara tells him again more sternly. Not only does Yara understand that without her, she would likely be dead, but also if the “demons” are coming, someone is going to have to make up for her broken arm.

The three stars of the trailers are revealed to us in an Avengers like camera pan. The lady that was hung up is extremely jacked, holding the hammer just pulled out of the head of the dead cult leader. Lev has his bow pulled back, looking from side to side as the rustling and groans from the infected draw nearer. Yara is holding the shiv up in her right arm, as her broken left arms hangs at her side. Yara and Lev are told to “watch their backs,” the violin music picks up slightly, and a vicious pack of clickers comes their way.

Analysis: 

There is so much good stuff to take away from this trailer. I want to start with the religious aspects of the trailer, and how it projects the tale we are getting from The Last of us Part 2. “Apostate” is the big clue here in the trailer, along with the word choice of “demon”, but the tiny touches in the trailer really bang the point home. The whole vibe of the trailer screams “satanist sacrifice.”

From the very beginning we are looking at figures cloaked in black, dragging someone away to be hung up and displayed. The only source of light in this trailer is a fire of a burning car. Fire and satan are obvious connection, but then the gutted bodies hung up on the trees make my mind jump to human sacrifice. The leader of the goons talks of “sin” is an obvious nod to religion. Even the string instrument that plays throughout the trailer creates the music that is often so associated with church.

The strongest moment in my mind, is when Yara is being held down in order to have her “wings clipped.” When she is laid out on the ground  her arm are stretched out horizontally, and her legs are pulled straight down. The goons holding her down are using a hammer to smash her arms in. This scene isn’t just a girl being tortured, this is directly using Yara as a symbol of Jesus. Of course it is done its very own The Last of Us way, because instead of having  her hands and feet nailed to a cross, she is getting her “wings” bludgeoned on the cold dirt.

In my recap I mentioned that the word “wings” was an easy reference to make towards firefly’s, but what if it’s something else? In religion, angels are known for their halo’s and their wings. Is this trailer insinuating that Yara is an angel of this world in some way?

While we’re looking into the symbolism of Yara the character, it’s also important to think of what this name means. I have found three different meanings for the name water that I’ll break down in order of importance. The first meaning is Brazilian, and in that culture Yara is a name that represents “water lady.” The trailer is covered in rain. Other than this I can’t reason anything in particular with what we’re given.

The second meaning is Persian, and in that culture, Yara means “someone you love.” Obviously Lev is a pretty good first choice as this someone. They look like they could be brother and sister, and their bond may be a relationship that The Last of Us Part 2 looks to explore just as much as Joel’s and Ellie’s relationship. This could also just mean how the player is going to feel about Yara. For as amazing as Joel is as a character, it’s easy to claim that the character players latched on to in The Last of Us was Ellie. With Ellie’s rage seemingly at a pinnacle for the sequel, Yara may be the character that you truly love. The character that you hope and pray gets out of the sequel unscathed, more so than any of the other characters.

It is the third meaning of the name Yara that really makes me think. This meaning is in arabic, and it is “small butterfly.” For one let's get this out of the way, Yara is young, she is small. Butterfly is the key word here. I keep being drawn back to “clip her wings.” Maybe this doesn’t refer to a firefly, or an angel, but a butterfly. Upon looking up the word “butterfly” you find out that a butterfly is a symbol of  endurance, hope, and life. Even more important is that in religion, a butterfly is symbolic of resurrection.

This meaning behind the name Yara as well as the hanging from the cross symbolism, really pits Yara as a symbol for Jesus. But what would the Jesus of this post fungus-apocalypse world be? With Christianity, Jesus died for our sins, and then later resurrected. You would think that Ellie’s character would be more fitting for the symbolism that they are putting on display for Yara. For me I am unsure, but I love seeing the clues that Neil Druckmann and company are leaving for us, and I’m so excited to see how this story puts those pieces into motion.

The Last of Us was a game that was all about the pitfalls of government. From the onset when panic caused the murder of Joel’s daughter, to the revolution in Pittsburgh (as well as other location) that led to nothing more than more violence, to the firefly’s themselves who were willing to stop at nothing to push their cause. At every turn you were being told a story about government tyranny and oppression. It seems like The Last of Us Part 2 looks to tackles the flip side of the same coin. I of course don’t have all the answers, and by the end of this soon to be masterpiece, I’m sure I’ll be left with more questions. I just can’t wait for the ride to officially begin. 

Quick Notes:

Lev is incredible with that bow. One through the face, and the next through the heart!

Lev is a Russian baby name that means ‘lion.” This trailer alone made me fall in love with all three of these characters, especially Yara and Lev. I’m excited to see how the traits of a lion will embody in his c Lev. The most obvious turn is potentially to his courage, but The Last of Us is a series that likes to swerve.

Lev is a Russian baby name that means ‘lion.” This trailer alone made me fall in love with all three of these characters, especially Yara and Lev. I’m excited to see how the traits of a lion will embody in his c Lev. The most obvious turn is potentially to his courage, but The Last of Us is a series that likes to swerve.

The lady being hung like a scarecrow is absolutely jacked! I would not want to see a brawl between her and Tess break out… Or maybe I would? How much are the tickets?

I truly believe that Yara could end up stealing the show in The Last of Us Part 2. We have already seen so much awesomeness from this clip that’s less than six minutes. Her defiance to spit in that woman’s face, her triumph when she plows that hammer through her skull, and her intelligence when she insisted that Lev “cut her down.”

There may have also been quite the gameplay clue hidden in this CGI trailer. Neil Druckmann has announced that this was an “in game cutscene.” Since this is the case, we can assume that you fight that pack of clickers right after. The nameless character of the trailer picks up a hammer, so a hammer seems like it just may be a new melee weapon! How brutalizing, and fitting, is that for The Last of Us?

I’m not the greatest at understanding musical scores, let’s get that out of the way. It seemed to me the music that lifted at the end of the trailer, just before the arrival of the clickers, was the same notes from the main theme of The Last of Us, but done with a violin and not a guitar. If so it is just another beautiful touch on a beautiful game.