#i hate you for what you've done to me
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#ptsd keeps me awake#the nightmares are horrific#everything hurts#i don't know how long this episode will last#push everyone away. isolate. be safe. you're not safe#you're not safe with anyone#therapists won't call me back#i'm terrified#i'm so sorry i'm so broken#the people in my life deserve better than a broken doll#i hate you for what you've done to me#ruining the ONLY good thing i've ever known#this was your karma.#“i'll be with you forever. long after you leave me”#you took half my life before i escaped. leave me alone#you're the devil incarnate.#i hope you rot in hell.
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I feel like every condemnation of the gods of Exandria, in-world or out, comes from someone who, when posed with the Trolley Problem, was like "well I would simply ensure I was not in that situation" and just generally I think the first time you say that in your life someone must give you a patient, gentle, and throrough explanation of the concept of a thought experiment. they should also give you a healthy snack. every time after that though it's purge rules.
#wHy DiD tHe PrImEs LeT tHiS hApPeN tell me what they should have done if you're so smart. tell me the solution that saves everyone#tell me how you know how to do things so that only the people who really deserve to die do so and tell me how you decided who deserves it#cr spoilers#you cannot walk into a scenario with a premise that is objectively on the table and be like well i hate this premise so i shall ignore it#i mean you can. but it means your opinion is meaningless and worthless bc you've rejected the reality of the situation
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was thinking about my merthur greek stories post and ran into a few tiktoks about orpheus and eurydice and got to thinking even more. just imagining them going thru a trial for some reason with the same premise and arthur is leading but cant help but look back to make sure merlin is still there and they think that means they fail but it just proved to whoever was running the trial that arthur was a loving and caring man so they passed it,, yay happy ending.
but then someone said “if orpheus had loved eurydice less, he could’ve saved her” and i got to thinking about canon merthur and started crying. if merlin had loved arthur a little less, just enough to where he didnt let the distant threat of doom hang over his head, where he didnt push morgana and mordred away, he could’ve saved arthur. if he had loved him just a little less
#GOD I HATE THEM#IM CRYING AGAIN#I HATE THEM SO MUCH#merthur#merlin emrys#arthur pendragon#bbc merlin#orpheus and eurydice#what hozier said#‘id be the immediate forgiveness in eurydice’#and as arthur lay dying he said#‘everything you've done. i know now. for me…’#‘thank you’#STOP STOP I WANT THEM GONE I HATE THEM SO MUCH
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"Do you know where we are going next?" I asked ART.
Y'know what, I think maybe I don't need any more Murderbot books. I think maybe ending things here is fucking perfect and as much as I love Wells's writing I'm genuinely not sure it can get better for me.
Like, so much of the books are about MB learning how to be a person, about becoming okay with being a complete individual with everything it entails. The first thing it does once it's actually allowed to decide on its own is it runs away from it all (admittedly to go on a mission to confirm some things about its past, because it genuinely just wants to be *good*). It shoves all its emotions away as much as it's able to. Then shit happens, and it makes its first friends, makes decisions based on these friendships, goes through a lot of emotionally intense situations...
And we get to this point here. MB having zero doubts about going with ART says a lot about its relationship with ART, but it also says a lot about its relationship with its humans - it knows that wherever it goes, when it comes back, the humans will still be there. Its humans actively acknowledge its struggles with being a now-free SecUnit and MB is willing to entertain the discussions to an extent and share information about its deeply personal experiences. Hell, System Collapse ends with MB admitting it might be somewhat broken, but that's okay as long as it can keep doing its job, and agreeing to basically do counselling - this is the guy what would rewatch its favourite TV show again and again in order to avoid acknowledging it even had Emotions a couple books back.
Reading this, I know that MB will be okay. It has hopes and goals and genuinely believes in itself and it has an amazing support system that its willing to lean on for the first time in its life. I'm convinced it'll go on to do great things with ART. And that's really the only thing I need to know.
#Murderbot#murderbot diaries#tmbd#system collapse#Herr's personal tag#Also like. System collapse dives deep into MB's feelings about its life as secunit prior to the events of all systems red#I find this conversation from when they were discussing what would happen if the BE folks got to the colonists first /very/ telling#MB going on about how life as a corporate slave is absolute fucking hell#ART drone saying that they can't just kill people because the alternative is worse than death#ART: would it have been kinder to kill you before you'd disabled your governor module?#MB with zero fucking hesitation: /yes/#(followed by my favourite ART line ever. “You know I am not kind.”)#Like. MB would not have always admitted that it had hated its life as a secunit this openly#Saying it was shit is one thing saying I would rather be dead than think of me or anyone else going through this again is a very different#And here it has zero issues stating that. At least when talking to ART#And then later on it goes on to offer its actual memories for a publicly screened documentary#Because it knows it's the only way to make people see. The only way to save then from the same (ish) fate#And it's willing to do whatever it takes to save these people it's never even met before from what it views as fate worse than death#Including opening up and acknowledging its past experiences and past/current feelings#And I'm just like. Man I couldn't be more proud of you if I tried.#You go MB. Holy fuck I wish I could do what you've done. You might just be the person to defeat this evil capitalism my dude
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#I struggled so hard today#and for no apparent fucking reason#I struggled with something at work that I've done for the first time while also constantly task switching#and I STILL NOTICED MY MISTAKE#but the fact that I made a mistake in the first place is fucking killing me#I feel like I will be executed for it#it makes my skin crawl#and to know that I'll have to go up to another human being who I respect deeply and be like hey I made a mistake please don't hate me#is the first fucking thing#BUT IT DOESN'T NEED TO BE#part of science is noticing your own mistakes so why is this so terrible to me#I know upbringing bla#yes I was raised to believe that among all other things I'm smart#and I have had this proven to me over and over and over growing up#so when I actually struggle with something I can no longer be smart therefore I am nothing#utterly worthless#and nobody even meant me any harm by telling me I was smart#this is such a STUPID FUCKING problem to have#uh I was told I'm smart#bitch what#yes being yelled at from 10 through 28 by my father for completely unpredictable reasons did not help with me thinking this is terrible#BUT STILL#get your shit together#see and even now I'm beating myself up for struggling with something#URGH#I just want peace and not existential dread whenever I make a mistake that is definitely my fault#personal#so and if you've actually made it till down here I'm giving you a big hug#we'll make it somehow
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Visual representation of me trying to communicate with other people via text
#I like the idea of talking with other people but I don't have the skill to pull it off#I feel like no matter what the other person will hate me. I will make them angry and yeah :(#I'm sure it's only 50% true. probably#I never know what's appropriate to say and how much I can say before I make them bored#if you've had a 'bad' experience with talking to me just know. it's not you it's me I'm the problem#don't stop talking to me. I'm trying my best please#art#traditional art#furry#i guess#...#comic#this is drawn on paper. the text is done digitally. that brush is pretty organic idk#original art#oc#original character
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I'm not an extrovert. At all. In everyday life, I'm a yapper, sure, but I need someone to first assure me I am okay to yap, so I don't start conversations, even when I really want to join in sometimes! It's just the social anxiety acting up. God knows where from and why I lose a lot of my inhibitions when it comes to talking to people about music. I don't know where the confidence has suddenly sprung from. I've made a crazy amount of friends in musical circles, either just talking to people about common music or (since it is after all in music circles) talking to bands about their own music. I let out a sigh of relief any time an interaction goes well, because in truth it's going against my every instinct. I wish I could do that in everyday life
#like that's the point where we need to remind everyone around me that as much as I say#radio is 'a job'-- it's not 'my job' lol. I wish I was this interested in data science#but like. Honestly?? I'm not even a data scientist!? I answered a few questions about classical AI having come from a computer science back#background and now people are saying to me 'I know you're a data scientist and not a programmer' sir I am a computer scientist#what are you on about#and like I guess I get to google things and they're paying me so I'm not complaining but like I am not a data scientist#my biggest data scientist moment was when I asked 'do things in data science ever make sense???' and a bunch of data scientists went#'no :) Welcome to the club' ???????#why did I do a whole ass computer science degree then. Does anyone at all even want that anymore. Has everything in the realm of#computer science just been Solved. What of all the problems I learned and researched about. Which were cool. Are they just dead#Ugh the worst thing the AI hype has done rn is it has genuinely required everyone to pretend they're a data scientist#even MORE than before. I hate this#anyway; I wish I didn't hate it and I was curious and talked to many people in the field#like it's tragicomedy when every person I meet in music is like 'you've got to pursue this man you're a great interviewer blah blah blah'#and like I appreciate that this is coming from people who themselves have/are taking a chance on life#but. I kinda feel like my career does not exist anymore realistically so unless 1) commercial radio gets less shitty FAST#2) media companies that are laying off 50% of their staff miraculously stop or 3) Tom Power is suddenly feeling generous and wants#a completely unknown idiot to step into the biggest fucking culture show in the country (that I am in no way qualified for)#yeah there's very very little else. There's nothing else lol#Our country does not hype. They don't really care for who you are. f you make a decent connection with them musically they will come to you#Canada does not make heroes out of its talent. They will not be putting money into any of that. Greenlight in your dreams.#this is something I've been told (and seen) multiple times. We'll see it next week-- there are Olympic medallists returning to uni next wee#no one cares: the phrase is 'America makes celebrities out of their sportspeople'; we do not. Replace sportspeople with any public professi#Canada does not care for press about their musicians. The only reason NME sold here was because Anglophilia not because of music journalism#anyway; personal
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yeag
#Robin processes emotions on main#living with my parents is going so wellllll#I'm thivingggggg#overall it's fine I'm just. rrrrrrrrrr IT'S SO HARD TO FEEL LIKE AN ADULT THIS WAY I'm always caught in this defensive mode#which ends up making me self-destructive because I feel like doing good / being proactive is What My Parents Want Me To Do#so then I associate doing good mentally with loss of autonomy and it's making me freak out#cycles of depression... cycles of SOMETHING anyway#I need a job so bad. I need stability. and therapy. man... I want therapy so bad but I just cannot afford it rn#and moving out? (hopeless laugh) in this economy??#WAUGH#I just hate feeling like everything I'm doing is being watched!!! hate it so much!!! it's making me self-destruct!!!#okay I'm done <3 handing you a scone if you've read this far#with the power of God and anime on my side I just might make it out of here someday
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people who pick apart people's accounts of their problems on the basis of semantics go outside challenge
#so annoyed about this essay on transandrophobia#listen like#you can argue with the idea of misandry it will still not make me feel any more welcome in a space that has told me repeatedly..#.. that I can't possibly suffer at all as a man and so any violence done to me is fine#and if I disclose that I'm trans it's suddenly half backpedaling and infantlizing you insteas and half 'yeah whatever you're still shit'#and that was a “queer” space! not the world in general#if none of your problems matter because you're a man and men suck and you can't shake that off even in a queer space then#what the fuck are you supposed to do#it is very lonely! it's like suddenly the world has decided you're worthless on multiple accounts#and you can't complain or you get told that you're making shit up to get back at whoever#when you just.#fuckn#wanted to say that you've been feeling like people hate your guts since you started transitioning#p
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I think at this point I'm immune to gaslighting like fucking try me. don't say 'I haven't rearranged the pantry' when you have, actually, and made a massive fuss about it
#further evidence that I need to leave this fucking house because oh GOD I literally can't have anything#I can't! packets of curry? gone! we don't need that when we have fucking keen's curry powder#which is not the same thing and also I hate that stuff because it gets used as an ingredient in the worst dishes known to man#this man at least.#I bought some batter mix packets to spice up when I do cook katsu and those have gone. pak choy? gone.#anyway so I think 'well can't cook what I was going to' and so I go to try and make something else only to discover food encrusted#onto everything I touch. it's all greasy too. it's disgusting. and I can't say anything about it because it's my fault apparently#like it's my fault for not washing up that everything's dirty. WHY CAN'T YOU WASH UP??? WHY IS IT MY FAULT#I an't say anything because they just deny deny deny and blame ME. and say 'nothing can be your fault can it'#well if it's very fucking obviously NOT MY FAULT. of COURSE it's not! dodging the blame at every opportunity because it's just nicer#if it's the cockup dropout grandson that you don't like.#I'm already quite upset because I feel like I'm in trouble for having needed new clothes since nobody actually wants to stop the dog#from eating mine. like if you didn't want to have to spend money don't fucking. stand there whenever you see her steal things#and don't randomly open my door to snoop because I know you do that. I've seen you do it. it's fucking weird#anyway don't lie to my face and call me crazy when I know that you're lying. you've done this too much for me to fall for it
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Im actually so fucking mad bro WHO LET THAT TWINK OUT OF HIS GRAVE
#This is about Morro but now that I think about it this can easily be read an ftd post#Sigh.#Morro ninjago i hate you for what you've done to me#peg speaks
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"I'm willing to sacrifice myself by not voting-"
Well sacrifice your dumbass by moving there cos I ain't going down with your stupid asses. I ain't a good person when it comes to dumbfucks that have obviously been so coddled in a blue state they probably see their cellphone being taken away as oppression.
You haven't known suffering, you entitled annoying pieces of shit.
Go learn it.
Still voting for Harris cos I apparently love genocide and don't want Trump to win. Boofuckinghoo.
#us politics#politics#pendejos#no reblog cos idgaf what you've got to say#what are you unhinged fks gonna do? tell me you hope me and my family dies again?#disgusting effing losers#time to get gfm to send ALL of you to the frontlines#make yourself useful and shield them as we get them out and you... well SAcRifIcE yourself#done with your useless asses#i already got more people on board to vote harris and to donate to charity as well have helped new voters on how to fill out registration#while you cry a tantrum and piss people off into shitting on everything you say#you've even made people hate you enough to vote for harris outta spite. thanks for that though❤️#failures#each and every one of you delusional useless fucks#blue all the way#it is done LMAO#blueeeee af#everyone's blue 😤#i want all republicans OUT#HAS been done#i did my part#now gonna donate to the voting buses in some areas that don't have good transport#yes im using my evil american dollars for this#enjoy your socalled “sacrifice ” shit or whatever#im no longer trolling#my part is done and i voted for the badass that made kavanaugh cry#i also know my ballot was accepted cos i tracked that bitch#lmaooooi
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little peek at somethjing i am cooking up ...
#this is rlly rough but rn im just blocking everything out#i have like 6.5 pages sketched so far this is already going faster than last time i think..^_^#im having a blast also#im tryna rewire my brain . every time i think Blehhh i hate drawing i just want to see it done i gotta stop n correct myself#like Hey wait you actually love drawing why are you telling yourself this The process is frustrating sometimes but that comes with art#i had to redraw this one page like 4 separate times and i still didn't feel like giving up#like yeah i was feeling pressed but at the same time i was being patient with myself#like this is part of improving Stop laying on the floor and wondering why you're even doin this you've always loved it#only drawing when u know it's gonna turn out good defeats the whole purpose of learning#also i added cal last minute to this comic and im gladi did he's so creeepy#im very excited to get this done Not impatient like i was before#im impatient for people to see it yeah lol but not w myself#and im not gonna be all like “yeah we'll see how long this lasts lol” bc i think that's already setting myself up for burning out#i have hope that i can keep enjoying art like this I just need to change the way i think#and accept the messy n ugly. the perfect is the enemy of the good#aaron blaise really inspires me. he sincerely loves what he does and i want to be like that#this is also gonna be more comic-like Panelwise i think#scott pilgrim n my bro inspired me#also the way cal's face cuts off on the right makes sense in context he's peekin from behind a chair
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(spoilers to Oshi no Ko chapter 161 under the cut)
...what the fuck?
WHAT THE FUCK?!
WHAT THE FUCK!!?
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!??!
AQUA YOU STUPID STUPID BOY! HOW DARE YOU? HOW FUCKING DARE YOU?! I'VE BEEN ROOTING FOR YOU TO BE HAPPY, AND YOU DO THE EXACT OPPOSITE!! YEAH YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT YOURSELF AND CAN'T FIND IN WITHIN YOURSELF TO PICTURE A GREAT FUTURE YOU COULD AND FRANKLY ALREADY SHAPING UP TO HAVE! YOU AND YOUR STUPID COMPLEX! YOUR STUPID INFERIORITY, SAVIOUR COMPLEX YOU!!
AAAAAAARRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
(full rant in the tags)
#“dino rambles a bit”#oshi no ko#oshi no ko chapter 161#aqua hoshino#← i hate him so much (unclear)#i have so many feeling towards this man#i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate--#uuuuuuurrrrggghhhhh#of fucking course he goes for murder suicide. fucking prick#leaving your loved ones behind. believing you have no right nor future to stand beside them#fuck you#FUCK YOU!!!#EVEN AFTER ALL THE THINGS YOU'VE DONE TO AND FOR THEM. THEY STILL LOVE AND CHERISH YOUUUUU!!!!!#YEAH THEY DON'T KNOW ABOUT ALL THE SHIT YOU'VE DONE. THAT JUST MEANS YOU GOTTA WHOLE HEARTEDLY APOLOGIZE TO THEM!!!#NOT THROW AWAY YOUR LIFE IN SERVICE TO A GREATER FUTURE YOU BELIEVE IS BETTER FOR THEM!#WHAT ABOUT KANA? WHAT ABOUT AKANE? DIRECTOR GOTANDA! MIYAKO! RUBY!!#I AM SO FUCKING DONE RIGHT NOW. OH MY GOD! YOU MAKE ME FEEL SO VIOLENT!!!#AKA WHEN I GET YOU!!! MENGO WHEN I GET YOU!!!!#I AM FILLED WITH INSURMOUNTABLE RAGE AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT!!!!#do i think aqua and kamiki will die? not really#divine intervention can happen. and i doubt tsukuyomi will let aqua die a senseless death (maybe idk)#but if they commit to them both dying. i'll be impressed as i am mortified
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I wish I wasn't so exhausted and I could make more art.... I even planned out a whole prompt-a-day month for Saigenos/Genosai, TWICE, but the first time no one seemed like they could participate when I asked about it, and the second time I friggin lost the damned plan. I could remake it a third time, but I just....I don't know.
I've been really struggling to get along for a while, and I think if it didn't hit it off--or even if I just got really productive and it seemed like I was reaching crickets--I'd be so incredibly discouraged that it would bring me down even further. It usually takes my stuff a few months to a year to get reach, and that really doesn't do anything for me when I need the support immediately.
It's not that I don't have a billion ideas for so many different things, but my battery has been taking longer and longer to charge up and it's been running out faster and faster, and it's been like this for....a year?? Ish?? Maybe longer, I don't know.
I wish I could just stop needing so much fucking time to bounce back.....
#written from my bed as I'm almost crying from exhaustion and hopelessness#I'm PMSing and I had a really tiring day so i know this feels worse than normal#but when you've been struggling to fall asleep for months because waking up means being disappointed in yourself#for everything you failed to do the day before and everything you know you're going to fail to do again today#it's really hard not to feel like shit about yourself#trying to be constantly hopeful but never living up to your expectations#and then the few times that you do you completely crash for days#and then the only way to not crash is to have your big accomplishment be 'i went to the gym' 'i took a shower' 'i answered a message'#and just. again#to have the be the way you're living for months and months and months#it's so embarrassing to admit how little i can do and it makes me so ashamed knowing how much I've done and see what everyone else around me#is constantly doing#and then when i do share things it just kind of dies off because I've been too exhausted to maintain most relationships#which ALSO makes me feel like absolute fucking shit because i think people think i just don't care about them#when it's really that it takes me hours to get out of bed and I'm lucky if i remember to eat before 4#and I hate so much of myself and see it as such a huge waste of time that it uses up almost all the energy i have to take care of myself#but if i don't do it I'll just hate myself even more#i know i keep on complaining about this but I'm. I'm trying to fix it#i have BEEN trying to fix it actively for so fucking long#but it's.....i think I've stopped believing anything i do has significant worth and it makes it hard to keep trying#and i know people will read this and say take something for it but when you're only interactions with medications and drugs#are one experience that scarred you so bad you didn't go to the doctors for ten years and one experience so bad#that you couldn't even explain it at first without HARDCORE disassociating#it's hard to convince yourself that anything will ever be any better and that it won't make everything intensely worse for years
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8i've been thinking about the last asks i got today. and i think it's better for me to take a step back from this account. i know the anon didn't mean anything by it, but i still feel like i am being a negative presence on here and weirding people out with who i am is nothing i want. so, i am not deleting or anything. i am just gonna be less present with sharing personal things or leaving tags. I'll probably be more active on my second account where i don't have that many followers :)
#i guess it affected me more than i'd like to#i don't want to make people uncomfortable#and i am sorry if i did that with any of my posts i know they have been overly emotional and maybe a bit insane#it's true that i am trying to deal with losing and finding peace i am not very good at this due to my intense emotions#and my fear of loneliness and losing people. i am also in a very bad depressive episode. i am aware that this isn't an excuse for any#of my behavior. i never had a support system so dealing with all this on my own and getting no therapist who is willing to see you#it's a downer. guilt is eating me alive and my mental condition is the something that has ruined a lot for me but it has never before done#such a terrible job before. recovering from that and dealing with the aftermath of this is exhausting and has taken a toll on my physical#and mental health i know this post doesn't mean anything to most of all and is at best confusing but i guess it's my poor attempt#of avoiding that people will hate me. i don't want to self-pity more than i already did. but i do that all on my own already.#i know that life is so much more difficult than fiction and you can't expect miracles or believe in faith to fix anything#i know there is no cure to who i am. i can only try to navigate it better in the future. it doesn't mean that i can't regret what i did.#that i can't feel guilty about it. i know that won't change anything but i am also trying to get better and i understand if that's not#visible. i just have to believe that one day it will be enough for people to say 'hey. i know you are fucked up.#and you hurt me and you've been a bitch. but we'll work on it. i believe in you.' otherwise i have to believe that this loneliness#is all there is and that i'm gonna die hollow#i don't want much. i just want some patience and peace#i want to believe that i am worthy of love and that i can get a future. and yes. me talking about wanting a wife and this stupid apple pie#life... maybe it's cliche and stupid but i have been alone for years and i am so tired of fighting. is it so bad that i don't want to do#this alone? and that goes for friends as well. i want to cook for people built things and tend to a garden to take care of animals#and to create instead of destroying for once.#i don't know why i am still writing i guess when the dam breaks... again. i am sorry for ever making people uncomfortable or even hurting#them that was never my intention. i promise#so i really hope. whoever is reading this. i hope you are doing alright. i hope you had/have a good day. tell the people you care about#you love them and enjoy the little things. read that book. eat that chocolate or do whatever brings you joy. the world is so difficult to#navigate but you are doing such a great job by just existing. you are making this world a better place with the light you radiate#the last thing I want to do something I never can forgive myself for is hurting people#not only but especially the ones I care about. but beyond that those I barely know too because I care about you guys too#I just don't want that... I want to leave the world better than I found it but I'm having a hard time doing it due to this stupid fucking#brain of mine.
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