#i hate this website i hate everythign

[rapidhighway]

apparently you can only see my post if you go directly to my blog????? i think???

[oracleofthehoneycomb]

I would just like to be able to go to a doctor, gyno and therapist regularly without going thousands of dollars into debt for a single visit.

[usamirenko]

this is mean. and i mean no harm. But i hate that not only do i have to see that dumb fucking tumblr advert as an ad on tumblr every 4 posts on mobile but also plastered all over people's blogs by people reblogging it even when i'm not on mobile. I do not care about tumblr staff's asinine ad campaign that is specifically designed to try and bait you by being Randome. At least i can rest easy that they probably aren't making money from the publicity becuase literally everythign about it is confined to their own website for some reason?!?!?!

[seokkgenie]

Rules: Answer these 85 questions about yourself and tag 20 people.

Thanks to @park-geemin for always remembering me and tagging me in fun things. Make me feel less invisible on tumblr!

Last:

Drink: The last of my diet coke

📱 Call: I hate phonecalls. I avoid all calls except for the ones from my mother.

Text Message: A friend from class

Song you listened to: Troye Sivan: There for You

Time you 😢: Two days ago

Ever:

Dated someone twice: No

😘 someone and regretted it: Hell yes.

Been cheated on: No

Lost someone special: No

Gotten drunk and thrown up: Yes

In the last year, have you:

Made new friends: Yes. I moved and left behind everyone I know.

Fallen out of 💛: No

😂 until you 😢: No

Found out someone was talking about you: Yes

Met someone who changed you: No

Found out who your friends are: Yes

😘 someone on your Facebook friends list: No

General:

How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: Probaby 20%

Do you have any pets: No, I’m not an animal person

Do you want to change your name: Too late for that

What did you do for your last 🎂: Met some friends, drank a little, had dinner with my family

What time did you wake up today: 11 am lol

What were you doing at midnight last night: Watching Criminal Minds

What is something you can’t wait for: To be asked out on a date

What are you listening to right now: Thank u, next

Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: No?

Something that gets on your nerves: sexism, general creepiness, fat-shaming

Most visited website: Youtube

Hair color: Black

Long or short hair: Short

What do you like about yourself: My imagination, empathy, and honesty.

Want any piercings: I have enough already

Blood type: B+

Nicknames: not on the internet

Relationship status: forever alone

Zodiac sign: Virgo

Pronouns: She/Her

Favorite 📺 show: Handmaid’s Tale, Criminal Minds, Fresh off the Boat, Friends and a bunch of kdramas.

Tattoos: Next year!

Right or left handed: Right

Ever had surgery: No

Piercings: 3 on each ear

Sports: I used to play basketball and badminton for fun.

Dream Vacation: NYU or London

Trainers: Nike

Eating: Cheese >> everythign else

Drinking: H20

I’m about to watch: The next episode of Criminal Minds 

Waiting for: a part time job 

Want: money

Get married for: love, intimacy, friendship

Career: Worried

Hugs or kisses: Holding hands

👄 or eyes: lips

Shorter or taller: TALL

Older or younger: OLDER

Nice arms or stomach: Arms are a kink

Hookup or relationship: Relationship

Troublemaker or hesitant: Hesitant

Have you ever:

😘 a stranger: No

Drank hard liquor: Yes

Lost glasses: No

Turned someone down: Yes

Sex on first date: No

Broken someone’s ❤️: No

Had your 💔: No

Been arrested: Nope

😢 when someone died: Yes :(

Fallen for a friend: No

Do you believe in:

Yourself: A little

Miracles: No

💛 at first sight: No

😘 on the first date: Yup

Angels: Only Park Jimin

Other:

Best friend’s name: I have a few of them.

Eye color: Black like my soul

Favorite Movie: I dont have one

Favorite actor: Ji Sung

Favorite Food: Meat, Cheese

Extrovert or Introvert: Introvert

Favorite flower: Flowers are meh

Favorite Hello 🐈 characters: What is this? 

[trubilee]

7 min freewrite prayer (5.15.20)

last night was rough.  i htink i had this one long vivid dream bc right before, i finished spending 1 hour+ torturing paul with my long account of what happened 10 years ago between me and this one college friend-turned-enemy who to this day represents the source of so much of the insecurity that in some years i don’t even recognize and in other years are still so deeply in me it feels like i’m just cloistered by it, this thick heavy blanket of shame that drapes over me like a shadow <?>  i don’t even know.  i was actually tempted to write an entire personal piece about his one friend who 12 years later gets so under my skin, but a few lines after i started typing notes i decided not to bc i thought, i don’t want to give this guy more importance than is actually merited.  i do not want to memorialize him in any way when he was such a small sliver of a sliver of my story.  it felt not right to do that, as though he were some figure who touched my life (whether good or bad) or something, who my narrative has to account for in any way.  that guy, yes, the only friend where i felt compelled to block his posts from my FB feed bc i felt so scorned and diminished and mocked and weirdly betrayed by him at the demise of our friendship.  bc he was original, and he was funny, and he was a great friend to those he cared about (which included me, and i had priority even, especially when he liked me--”no, i ...  really liked you,” he had clarified when confessing awkwardly in my dorm room-- and even after i started dating his best friend, but ending a couple years later around the time when his best friend and i broke up), and he was good at adoring and worshiping and describing you in the most thrilling and endearing of terms.  and he called things years before they ever became cool.  he was always, always calling things that nobody had ever heard of, and i mostly thought he was just making stuff up, but on average i’d say that in 9 out of 10 callouts he was onto something years before it ended up on the more mainstream culture websites and art shoutouts.  he had strong opinions.  strong judgments.  insults that were as harsh as they were precise.  he was selectively principled.

but he was also petty, and even though he was good at worshiping and groveling and being pride-less if he liked you romantically or wanted to be your friend, he was also so spiteful and bitter and vengeful even if you slighted him in some way that got to him.  and as hilarious as his social and psychological experiments (esp. on the girls he liked) were, he was manipulative and wholly un-honorable about persuading girls with boyfriends or girls who were vulnerable from having broken up with their boyfriends.  

and above all, he fronted.  he fronted so hard.  he would have moments and moments of being totally vulnerable and borderling aegyo-ish and tender and dear.  but everythign he said and did was mostly characterized by all his fronting.  endless name dropping.  the hustling to get this person to come here and that person too and oh just let me know if you want X’s from this company or this artist or this hip hop group because i know someone there and i can get you X and Y.  H used to do the best impression of him on the side, and i still snicker when i think of it now:  “yo i know someone at seven jeans, just let me know and i can get you stuff from there.  seven jeans, true religion...”  (keep in mind these were hot brands at the time.)  it was nonstop.  the hustling and fronting and name dropping to the point where i was just repulsed by him sometimes.  (and so was, i imagine, the beautiful girl who he finally dated and who dumped him and seemed to have significantly broken him for all of senior year.)

anyway, now it appears that he is in fact very successful and semi-famous in his own right and extremely well-connected in exactly the thing he set out to do from the first time i met him.  he knows celebs and global designers / artists, writers, and culture makers up and across the highest and coolest of brows in the city.  this guy who i feel like ended up hating me and everything he thought (whether he was right or wrong or a mixture of both) i stood for.  and as i was telling paul, bc he hates me and looks down on me, all his friends--the celebs and designers / artists, writers, culture makers, the art-politics-culture creatives leading the way from where they stand--they hate me and look down on me too.  and “i’m such a loser, paul...”  lol.   

i dunno, maybe i do need to write about this after all lol.

i dreamed that i was at...  a house gathering of some sort, like a cozy non-rushed one, and for some reason my the an ex S was there, and so was the girl E who he sort of in a way left me for and even jumped right onto a long engagement-bound relationship with, like a frog hopping off one lilypad to another (sort of a strange pleasant way of characterizing what at the time felt like being shat on and then flushed down a toilet and then dragged out the street gutter and back into another nearby ditch to rot).  that side story and side ending aside, in my (stupid, to the point where i wonder if it’s even worth writing about) dream i ended up somehow sitting with her, sitting RIGHT with her, and weirdly telling her all these things i had thought all these years and said to her in my head.  this girl i had never met but who haunted so many of my thoughts.  i guess i felt really comfortable talking with her because the S thing does not bother me anymore, i don’t flinch or even twitch inside at that sort of thought.  it’s more his friend / my former friend (see above...) that i still have baggage about.  and anyway as i was sitting with E i told her how those 2 years were really hard for me.  how when i saw her and who she was, i felt so inferior and small at the time, because i could totally see why someone in S’s shoes would fall in love with her, because i would too.  and i even sort of asked out loud, that i wondered why she had to come in the way she did, come onto him if she knew he was dating someone--i asked her this as if we were friends or something, as if she owed me anythign at all.  and in my dream i remembered that E had actually broken off her engagement with S (a fact which, when i found out about it years ago, had brought me much vindication and glee).  and she actually sheepishly told me she’d gotten a face transplant (it was like a portion of her cheek or something, so nothing cosmetic-affecting) and S had gone with her to the operation--meaning S had made the sacrifice of transplanting his own cheek into hers.  and she realized through that whole operation and him supporting her no matter what episode that she did in fact love him and want to marry him after all.  and when i heard that something in me sort of fell as i looked at her and then over several feet away at him, and i didn’t feel like i was her friend any more and i had to fake it after that, uncomfortably act unfazed by their reunion, and i was trying to think of how i could leave the party, until i woke up.

[swampgallows]

im not a funnyman im just mentally ill and have two interests and they canret even special interwests because im not autism spec i just have a lot of overlap due to my anxieties and othe r dysfucntional mental faculties im jsut mentally ill im scared all the time i have very few comforts in thsi world i havee been forced to confront a bunch of my traumas over the last weke or so im not productive im not getting naything done i only manageed like two coding lessons this weke i wish i could get out of m uparents hotus i just  feel useless and far behind erfrom everyboedy else in my life im on a website wt a bucnhf of college kids and im going to be thrity in a few years and im not an adult not even close and i dont want to be come wone but i dont want to rely on my shtity aprents any more but its impossilble i want to just skewer the 1% open like a pinaata and drain them of their funds to be redistribtued among the common people like the planet is dying everything is dying tehres no way im going to live more than anoteh few yeras wand whats the point anyway because one day im going to be dead im so scared abotu my teeth anctualyl more so my gums because thres ntohign you can do about receding gums that s just how it is thats just my life my gums hvae receded so much and my dentists arent helping me they just want to rip my wisdom teeth out of my head and im scared of that i dotn want them to take my body parts away and i dont know why they want to do it so badly none of them have had a good resason except that they get ot charge me a lot for it im scared of them taking the few good teeth i have even though i know theyre superfluous but im just fuckign scared i really dont want to die but i feel too scared all the time to live i deont want to playu wow more than i want to make art of it and write about it but ive had a mental block for months i cant focus on antyhign withtu my eyes blinding like im staring into th e sun i cant even look at teh screen i want to finsihe this chapter im working on and i havebeen working on it so long im just losing sitght of everythign im really not doing good im a huge disappointemnt and im gettin cloesr to death all the time and im scared of nuclear war and im scared of hurrifcanes and i hate old white men sending us to our deaths and im scrared of this website rtryuing to tell me im not queer ENough orsomethign i am a mentally ill trembling queeroid and i know im white btu for fucks sake arealdy i just want to go to azeroth when i fuckign die thats the only wayh i could not be afraid when i die i want to just sleep and dream i want to be able to dream forever

[squigglyness]

Get to know me (Tag)

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people.

aw thanks @comfortablysarcasticslytherintj lov u okay also this is So Many help

LAST: 1. Drink: wAteR 2. Phone call: mom.. 3. Text message: idk i don’t remember to text back 4. Song you listen to: all i know is i have a MCR song stuck in my head and idk which one it is 5. Time you cried: either like two days ago or two weeks ago i can’t remember also why is this question ALWAYS included

HAVE YOU: alright u know what lemme just say yes and now let’s just forget this section 6. Dated someone twice:  7. Kissed someone and regretted it: 8. Been cheated on: 9. Lost someone special: 10. Been depressed: 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: 

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 

12. Black

13. Red

14. Green&Gold&White&DarkPurple&Brown

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: Sorta 

16. Fallen out of love: I mean you’d have to fall in love first rite 17. Laughed until you cried: ye 18. Found out someone was talking about you: if i did i don’t remember, it doesn’t really matter 20. Found out who your friends are: is it just me or does this sound childish 21.  Kissed someone on your Facebook list: i don’t have FB tho

GENERAL: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: just rememberd i actually do have facebook and no i know none of them 23. Do you have any pets: i did until i moved and i still have my plants but i consider them children 24. Do you want to change your name: that’d be nice but as long as people don’t use my first name i’m good 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: nothing. my birthday is actually coming up again in like a week and i hope to watch LOTR  26. What time do you wake up: when i’m not overly depressed, 5:30 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: Sleeeeeep 28. Name something you can’t wait for: going to sleep, i’m not excited about much these days tbh 29. When was the last time you saw your mom?: last weekend 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: HAHAHA how about being productive without health problems 31. What are you listening to right now: the fan... it’s unusual but i’m actually not listening to music  32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: well my brother 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: having to introduce myself and answer questions and talk about myself almost daily bc i keep meeting new people and they all seem to wanna know everythiiinggg also i hate questions that i don’t have a clear answer on yet, just pls don’t 34. Most visited website: probably google docs lmao  35. Mole/s: u know u watch too many crime shows with ur mom when u immediately think of deep cover agents 36. Mark/s: what does this mean? scars? let’s not 37. Childhood dream: djkfl;d to be a boy and to make art 38. Hair color: i have never in my life been able to decide what color my hair is. i’m just gonna go with goldish brown idk that makes it sound light but it’s not idkkkk 39. Long or short hair: short short short short short  40. Do you have a crush on someone: no no no why would i do that 41. What do you like about yourself?: skin color, complexion, hair, eyes, idk man sometimes i like everythign about me and sometimes the opposite 42. Piercings: 2 on each ear 43. Blood type: idkkkkk 44. Nicknames? Ricky, Ericky, Eric, Ricks, Rosie, (btw pls don’t), Rosa, then what my parents call me, Rica Rose and Rosebud lmao. btw i prefer Rose, or Ricky, that’s fine too 45. Relationship status: jUsT mE 46. Zodiac: cancer 47. Pronouns: any 48. Favorite TV Show: I don’t watch tv much i spend all my time i have to waste reading articles but Doctor Who, Merlin, NCIS bc it’s a tradition in my family, ... 50. Right or left hand: left 51. Surgery: nope 52. Hair dyed in different color: i’ve had red, pink, purple, blonde, brown 53. Sport: lol when i was a kid i did dance and gymnastics (might i say, i was actually really good at that..) and in school i did volleyball (worst semester of my life), track, and powerlifting 55. Vacation: well i’m going to Europe during Christmas with my sisters 56. Pair of trainers: these are shoes right?? tbh i don’t care enough to answer i’m sick rn 

MORE GENERAL: 57. Eating: well i’m vegan and let me just say i love mac n cheese 58. Drinking: just water 59. I’m about to: there’s a good chance i’m about to fall asleep here on the floor 62. Want: TO GET IT TOGETHER AND BE THE MOST PRODUCTIVE also i just wanna draw but i can’t get it together enough even to do that 63. Get married: probably out of the question, sigh 64. Career: i just wanna research physics stuff and sell art on the side ok 65. Hugs or kisses: kisses are nice in theory and i don’t understand the purpose of hugs also pls no 66. Lips or eyes: what does this even mean?? if i had one adn not the other that’d be weird. but eyes are nice 67. Shorter or taller: i’m shorter and i have no desire to be tall 68. Older or younger: i think 50-60 is such a beautiful age tbh but i like being my own age too. i can’t wait to have silver hair and be a Wise One like Gandalf. (okay yeah tbh i just wanna be gandalf) 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: i would just prefer to like myself 71. Sensitive or loud: i’m really not either?? 72. Hook up or relationship: neither???? i guess if i had to choose then relationship but only if it’s not a romantic relationship 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: neither really.. 

HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a Stranger: why would i do that 75. Drank hard liquor: well if i did i don’t remember  76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: when i was a kid i lost so many pairs of glasses my mom is convinced i threw them away 77. Turned someone down: is this not a common thing?? oops 78. Sex on the first date: i’m ace pls 79. Broken someone’s heart: ooooooooops  80. Had your heart broken: lmao yeah 81. Been arrested: noop 82. Cried when someone died: nope 83. Fallen for a friend: how can u fall for someoen who isn’t ur friend

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84: Yourself: yeah  85. Miracles: sure 86. Love at first sight: how many more questions about love are there?? also no that doesn’t even make sense 87. Santa Claus: ?????????????????? 88. Kiss on the first date: i’ve never felt the need to go on a date but if i did i think i would already know the person really well so it wouldn’t be weird so yeah sure buuuuut i’m not goign on any dates so it’s not happening\

OTHER: 90. Current best friend name: ideally, best friends live in the same city as u,,, and i have no friends here really,,,,,, i had a best friend when i was 4-6 tho. i mean. if anyone wants to be my bff lemme know that’d be nice 91. Eye color: dark blue green with gold specks 92. Favorite movie: lmao the lego movie

okay now i have to tag people??i hardly have any friends here on tumblr this is too hard but k lemme try

@iitwillbe @hermionesmenacinglook @introvertentropy @strawberrylovely @seoul-warrior @dont-give-a-bother alright i am 2 sick and 2 tired to finish goodnight

[caught-in-a-lie-blog1]

92 Truths Tag

i was not really tagged by @amazzjin

i really need a distraction from writing this monster of a one-shot TT

THE LAST…

1. Drink: water

2. Phone Call: mah lil bro

3. Text: my best friend who’s contact name is ‘walnut’ for some reason

4. Song you listened to: Holiday by Green Day

5. Time you cried: few weeks ago

HAVE YOU EVER…

6. Dated someone twice: yep

7. Been cheated on: yeah

8. Kissed someone and regretted it: ohhh yeah

9. Lost someone special: mmhm

10. Been depressed: bruh

11. Gotten drunk and threw up: yep

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: viridian, teal, indigo (because for some reason i like to overcomplicate things)

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU…

15. Made new friends: surprisingly, yes

16. Fallen out of love: i think so, yes

17. Laughed until you cried: yeah

18. Found out someone was talking about you: yes

19. Met someone who changed you: lots

20. Found out who your true friends are: painfully so, yes

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: don’t have fb

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in really life?: don’t have fb

23. Do you have any pets: i wish

24. Do you want to change your name?: hell yes, i fucking hate my name and everythign associated with it.

25. What did you do for your last birthday?: i had two finals rip

26. What time did you wake up?: idfk man, it’s a surprise everyday

27: What were you doing at midnight last night: writing

28. Name something you cannot wait for: the day i see Bangtan (if ever)

29. When was the last time you saw your mom: five minutes ago

30. What is one thing you wish you can change about your life: how restrictive my parents are

31. What are you listening to right now: Halsey b/c i’m so hyped for her next tour

32. Have you talked to a person named Tom: yep

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: MY PARENTS

34. Most visited website: this blue hell (i’m kidding)

35. Elementary: done

36: High School: i’d rather not specify

37: College: i’d rather not specify

38. Hair color: dark brown

39. Long or short hair: my hair was down to my elbows before and i just chopped it all one day. i like both, but short hair is easier to maintain.

40. Do you have a crush on someone: yes

41. What do you like about yourself: physically, my eyes and eyelashes. personality wise, my ability to constantly put others before myself

42. Piercings: two on each lobe but i want more

43. Blood type: don’t know

44. Nickname: i only have one, and it’s what my brother calls me. Eemz

45. Relationship Status: single as fuck, yall. my love life is a mess

46. Zodiac sign: capricorn

47. Pronouns: she/her

48. Favorite tv show: Supernatural

49. Tattoos: none but i want a bunch

50. Right or left hand: righty

FIRST…

51. Surgery: my jaw when i was 13

52. Piercing: my lobes when i was 5

53. Word: probably mom

54. Sport: ballet. i quite it reeaaallll quick. i am not graceful.

55. Vacation: i believe it was Disneyland

56. Pair of trainers: ?????

RECENTLY…

57. Eating: chocolate

58. Drinking: water

59. I’m about to: fall asleep

60. Listening to: Young God by Halsey

61. Waiting for: the day i’ll be able to see Bangtan live

62. Want: move tf out of this place

DO YOU WANT TO…

63. Get married: tbh i can’t see myself getting married mainly b/c i don’t think someone would want to put up with me for life lmao

64. Have a career and if so what: nurse practitioner

WHICH IS BETTER…

65. Hugs or kisses: depends on the person

66. Lips or eyes: eyes

67. Shorter or taller: taller

68. Older or younger: as long as the gap isn’t hug i really don’t care.

69. Spontaneous or romantic: both?

70. Nice arms or nice stomach: all tummies are nice though

71. Sensitive or loud: both

72. Hook up or relationship: depends on how i feel at the time. i would be 100% committed if was in a relationship, though.

73. Troublemaker or hesitant: both

HAVE YOU EVER…

74. Kissed a stranger: yes

75. Drank hard liquor:  yeah

76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: don’t need ‘em

77. Turned someone down: yep

78. Sex on first date: nope but i’ve had sex with no date lmao

79. Broken someone’s heart: i hope not

80. Had your heart broken: lmao yes

81. Been arrested: nada

82. Cried when someone died: yes

83. Fallen for a friend: nope

DO YOU BELIEVE…

84. In Yourself: i want to say yes but i don’t think so. it varies.

85. Miracles: nope

86. Love at first sight: nah

87. Santa Claus: no

88. Kiss on the first date: if both parties are ok with it then yeah

89. Angels: nope

OTHER…

90. Current best friend: i have two, my best friend of six years ‘walnut,’ and my best friend of two years, ‘smalls.’ (those are their actual contact names in my phone)

91. Eye color: hazel

92. Favorite movie: i can’t choooooosssee

any of y’all that read this are tagged b/c i’m ‘bout to pass out for the night. pce.