#i hate this descision ive made

[zalimbane]

i'm a sucker for arranged marriages , so i really wanna someday do a au or something where gort is like: i have to have a consort in order to be taken seriously , and he just either picks a random person in bg and its your muse . or he picks a trusted ally (your muse). but then they go to a feast or a gala and have to act like a real married couple and they make silly little jabs at him slowly throughout the night but now he has to genuinely pretend he is that person and it kills him .

[radioheadcirclejerk]

SPOILERS FOR THE SQUID GAMES REALITY SHOW !!!

okay, ive seen SOOO many people saying that they hate mai and that shes annoying but honestly i loved her so much. i liked her since the beginning and her story made me so sad, i genuinely started crying when she would talk about the trauma she went through. it did bother me a bit when ashley still hated her after she apologized, but thats just who she is and i cant hate somebody for their opinion. i was very suprised when she voted out roland, but its a kill or be killed world, and her descision was really well played on her part. it also irked me just a tad when amanda said she COULD pick a guy and tell him to pick a girl, and seemed okay with it, but then gets mad at mai for DOING THAT, just saying.. anyways, mai is great competitor and she deserved to win so much!!

[lost-hero-of-pmd]

Whats up

So iv’e given it some tought and i have come to the descision that i want to redo this whole blog. Back when i started this i were 16 and going trought a very rough time of my life, three years later and im doing much better.

I wanted to give myself something to do, and askblogging had caught my attention for a while then, it did work to some extent, it keept me drawing even when i felt like doing nothing. Although, in the end i diden’t have the energy to keep it up, even tho i didn’t get that many asks i just ran out of the energy to maintain it, i ended up hating every drawing i made, not being to the high standars i set for myself and felt like my writing was stilted and akward, not very good. (it probably was, i had even less writing experience back then) but even with all that i feel like the blog played an important part in keeping me motivated, even when i stopped updating it. 

I were way to shy and scared to really interact with the community like i wanted to, probably one of my biggest regrets, i still probably am a bit like that but its something im working on and really feel like i have bettered. I still ended up making friends trough the community, whom im very happy for having meet. 

And now im here three years later, i recently got into art college/uni, its what ive wanted for a long time, and i like to think i can attribute some of that to the blog, 

anyway im getting sidetracked. So i had a look back at it all and found myself still wanting to give it a try again, it was fun, as long as it lasted. A bit of an personal challenge to myself, to see how ive improved and to keep being motivated. Id still like to tell a story, however i have sadly lost interest in the one i had going (heh i used to be so into PMD, still am, but yeah), i can see the flaws in it and i want to start with something new, that keeps a bit of the old elements. I don’t have that many followers, but for those that may be listening i felt like i should let you all know whats up, and for those that i have talked to within the community, however breif or long that was. 

Thanks for the fun times i have had with this, and i will be seeing you soon

-Lost

(P.S ill be archiving the posts on a sideblog)

[mycomori]

anxiety about my shift at work this morning but i tried i worked hard i did my job and tried to learn even tho shit was really...disorganized to say the least (i was left to open the cafe for the first time with someone who was having their first day there and neither of us were ever taught how to do like 75% of the opening tasks) like i had to rely on my shitbucks training and past experience and the other persons knowledge to register as well as someone form another department who came over to help us because we had no idea how to do half the hair because we never got taught but god forbid i have a slightly negative view on that to describe it as “kind of an inadvisabke descision” (WHICH IT FUCKING IS) and the other manager (the one that interviewed and hired me) apologized as soon as she came in and heard about the morning and i said it was fine i was used to it i could handle shit and roll with the punches and she said she didn’t wnat me to have to do that tho and wanted it to be different for me here but honestly i’m cool i can handle it what i can’t handle is not being about to express any stress or emotion at all. i mean i can, i basically did that the first two decades of my fucking life. o still do it by default as a fucking trauma response. and guess what? im gonna do it again! because i’ve learned no matter of the principal of it or what’s really right or fair it’s safer to jjst keep your fucking mouth shut always and never give a single opinion on anything. never voice ANYTHING especially in a work environment. jsut never say anything. and never have emotions. except happy. and also never be stressed. or at least suppress it. oh and also never ever express any opinion at all. im not being sarcastic here. this is really what i’ve learned all my years working. fuck ive been fucking FIRED (for no written reason) because my mental health made me scared and disconnected and just “not happy enough” for them. that’s fucking it. and i’m so terrified of that happening again i can’t ever open my mouth. shitbucks i at least finally stopped giving a fuck what i said. and then i spent six months i treatmenrt learning to express my emotions. but was still told to shut up there because what i said sometimes differed from the cultish fucjing rules of the program that didn’t want any opinion of a slightly different source or any critisim at all jsut for you to blindly follow. i’ve experienced a lot ofthe. it’s not new to me. and in the end it’s why i suppress so much. along with the fact that it was fucjing dangerous for me to express anything negative as a child. it doesn’t matter. i accept reality. im not negative, i’m very inherently idealistic. but i’m also realistic. and those two things are very painful together. because a smuch as i wish the best for everything. i also know and accept reality. i’ve had to to survive. i will be realistic aboutmyself and the world and the wya that things are that does not make menegatuve. that makes the fuck g state of our world negative. and you know what i won’t fucking back down from that. i will stay silent around others i can’t trust. (do most people) i will keep my mouth shut, but i will not fuck i g change how i know and view the way of the world and the fucking corporate system and how it relates to the suffering and exploitation of fucking everyone who works under it. i’ve lived it, people i’ve loved lived it, fuck it ruined my whole childhood! like if my dad hasn’t been so stressed with fiances and a job he hates but needed to keep so we could literally continue to live because we were fucking poor that he abused me my whole life! like, maybe it’s naive of me, but i know my dad. despite being my main ‘abuser’ he is not a bad person. he is still responsible for the mistakes he made but he also made those mistakes as a result of extreamly stress. that doesn’t excuse it but my point is maybe i’m stupid but also maybe i never would ah e been traumatized of it weren’t for the wya do the world. andnive seen nothing but support for that my whole life. i am not negative.

i am realistic. and i will continue to be. but i will not speak. even tho i know how to speak. i will not. also fuck you tumblr for cutting me off

[shadymultiverse]

It feels good to write about it. The more i do it the more i want to and the more I have to say. Ive spent years keeping it inside for fear that my mother would find it and get angry at me for lying.

Its hard not to feel like a liar even now. To doubt my reality. Ive been told that im a "Story Teller" and "no one ever knows what the truth is with you" for so long that i dont even know what the truth is. I remember when i started lying, when i made rhe descision to see how far I could take a lie, since everyone always thought i qas lying anyway.

Our house had caught fire.

Part of it was that my sister told me I needed to take the blame since I was 'the favorite and the youngest, you wont get in trouble"

So when my mom sat there with her arms crossed and her face stormy, the fire fighter next to her. I remember bits and pieces from the lecture, that fire was dangerous and we could have gotten seriously injured. That there was an ashtray under the mattress, a cigarette had started the fire.

I stepped forward and told them it was me. I found a pack of cigarettes and tried them. I thougt someone was comjng in so i shoved the lit cigarette between the wall and the mattress. I remeber now, seeing my sister do exactly that when i came back from the bathroom i remember smelling the smoke and her telling me to go get her a cup of water. I did and when i came back the room was on fire.

They believed i had done it and I spent the next several years paying for that lie. Everytime my siater did something bad, she would remind the fmaily how i almost burned down the house.

Funny, since I had taken that blame for her.

Still though, I owned that lie for years until recently when I told my mom that it wss carolyn that had started the fire. And you know what she said?

I know.

Just. I know.

And that was the end of the conversation. Not Im sorry for letting dad beat you with his studded belt. Not Im sorry that it was your sister scapegoat for years. Just, I know.

What else did she know? Wbat else did she let happen to me because she didnt know what to do about it?

She doent like me talking about the apst. Thinks that i juat need to stop caring. To ignore it and itll go away. I tried that for a long time and it hasnt ever worked. It just makes the anger worse and the hate worse and the depression worse. It makes everything worse. I want to say that Im sorry. Im so sorry. I know im not good enough for you, i know. I know. I know.

Ill never be.

[polk-a-dop]

I have entered the next layer of hell, somehow, by now following the try guys on instagram. I expect it to be one of the best and worst descisions ive made.

On a side note i also now know someone that also follows them and i hate that fucking bitch so they will forever be slightly tainted.