#i hate that i thought of a good new title for it half-awake at 2am the other day and forgot to write it down

[meggannn]

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Mass Effect: Tides, Receding (Shakarian ME3 get-together)

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Most recently updated (September 19, 2024):

Dragon Age 2/Inquisition: A Crow Flies Down (Fenris/Hawke)

[oscar-piastri]

scared to be lonely

title: scared to be lonely

summary: reader is acting a little bit too clingy for ben

words: 2.3k

taglist: @styles-charli

notes: this has been on my drive for two months so i thought i’d upload it while i’m writing new stuff

“Where are you going?” you asked your boyfriend as he put on his brown bomber jacket and grabbed his keys.

“Out, you remember?” he told you, now putting his shoes.

“Can I come?” you shyly asked, looking at your feet.

“Uh, it’s boys night…” he gently recalled you

“Yeah… Right. Sorry I asked” you mumbled, as you turned to walk into the kitchen.

“Love, are you okay?” Your boyfriend asked you a little worried as he hurried to come near you.

“Yeah” you lied, putting a small and fake smile on your face. Ben hesitated a few seconds, thinking if he should believe you or not.

“Alright love. I won’t be home late” he said, gently kissing your forehead before petting Frankie’s head and leaving the house. The sound of the door closing echoed in the house, that felt empty.

It’s not that you didn’t trust your boyfriend when he was out, god you could trust him with your entire life! It’s just that you hated to be alone. Weird, right? You hated that feeling of loneliness but you are dating someone who is barely home because of his drastic schedule. So when he’s home, you just want him to never leave you alone again.

You spent the night watching TV with Frankie peacefully sleeping and snoring on your laps. Biting your lips, you took a glance at your phone that was laying right next to you, wondering if it was a good idea or not to contact Ben. Well deep down, you knew what was the right answer, but you were dying to know what he was doing or just talk to him, to kill the feeling of constant loneliness. However, you decided to leave your phone and put back your attention on the tv.

Your phone lighted up at 2am, with a new text coming from Ben appearing on the screen. “I don’t know if you’re awake but I’m just letting you know that I’m on my way home” You smile relieved when you read that text. You chose not to answer him and just wait for him, so you could fall asleep in his arms.

After long minutes, you finally heard Ben coming home. Thinking you were asleep, Ben slowly closed the door, only using his phone to light up the hallway to see where he was going. Walking past the living room, he saw that the TV was still on and he was surprised to find you on the couch, still awake.

You slightly jumped when you noticed Ben’s form next to you. “Y/N, it’s 3am. Why are you still up?” He asked, rubbing his eyes because he was exhausted.

“No I just woke up not so long ago” you lied to him, not wanting to tell him that you didn’t want to fall asleep alone. You grabbed the remote to turn the tv off, and grabbed Ben’s head so you could both go to bed.

You both stripped out of your clothes to put on your pj’s. By the time that you cleaned your face, your boyfriend already collapsed under the covers. You hurried to climb in the bed as well, resting your head on his chest as you put one of your arm around his chest.

You’d usually hate that smell, this sent of his cologne mixed with alcohol and cigarettes. But tonight, it was one of your favorite thing, because it meant that Ben was right here with you, as you slowly started to fall asleep.

You woke up the next morning, in a different position. When the sunlights came through the curtains, it woke you up right away. You were sleeping on your side, feeling an arm wrapped around you and a face buried in your neck. You could spend the whole day just like that, and this exactly what you wanted to ask your boyfriend when he’d wake up.

You felt something moving against your neck and slowly, the arm that was wrapped around your waist was gone, as your boyfriend rolled on his back to look at the ceiling.

“Good morning” you said rolling on your other side, so you could admire your boyfriend still half asleep.

His hair was a mess and covering his forehead, his vibrant green eyes were barely open but it was still the most beautiful view.

“Hey love” he mumbled, placing his hands on his head groaning.

“Headache?” You asked softly, knowing that too much sound would make his pain even worse.

“Yeah.. Music was way too loud. Looks like I’m getting too old to go out” he joked, which made you smile.

You got up of the bed, making your way to your bathroom trying to find some painkillers with a glass of water. You carefully brought them to Ben, placing the little pill and the glass on the bedside table.

“How about we stay in bed all day?” You suggested, climbing back to bed with your boyfriend. You were hoping for a positive answer.

“I can’t, I have plans” he quickly said before taking the pill

“Oh. Can I come?” You blurred out, disappointed in his first answer.

“Again?” He awkwardly asked you right away, but he realised how rude it sounded and quickly apologized.

“It’s just.. I miss you, and I wanna spend time with you when you’re home” you confessed, truly hoping it would change his mind.

“I know, but you’re not the only one I wanna see, I missed my friends too” he explained as he tenderly fondled your cheeks.

“I get it…” you loudly sighted before putting on a fake smile, in order not to worry your boyfriend. He smiled right back at you before pecking your lips and letting you know that he’ll be in the shower to get ready, implying that you could join him.

Letting your head fall back in the pillow, you ignored his invite. You were too upset and sad to get in the mood.

You try to make it look like you didn’t care but in fact, it was killing you inside. You didn’t realize how cligny you sounded and acted, but you actually couldn’t help it.

Days had passed since that moment, and everything was slowly starting to feel better for you, as you managed to spend a few moments with your boyfriend. You enjoyed every minutes, every seconds of those moments with him as they warmed your heart, making you alive each time. But not everything can’t be perfect for a long time, because your heart seemed to break as you saw Ben getting ready to go out, again.

“What’s wrong?” Ben asked a little bit worried, kneeling in front of you. He was on his way to meet his friend, but he saw you all curled up in the couch, wearing one of his hoodie and got all curious about why you weren’t feeling well.

You left your position to sit on the couch. “I just wanna spend time with my boyfriend” you whined, trying to grab Ben’s hand to put him on the couch with him, but sadly he resisted and brushed your hands away.

“We just spent two days together without living the house. It was good and I loved it, but love, I made plans” he grumbled, as he got up and grab his stuff again. You were quick to follow his steps, grabbing his hands before he could reach the door.

“Please, stay…” you muttered, making him turn straight to face you. But you weren’t expecting Ben to be so angry; his jaw was clenched, he was staring at you with a glance that made you shiver. You were about to apologize but he’s the one who spoke first.

“For the love of god, Y/N, stop being so fucking annoying! Just let me enjoy some free time for myself” you wanted to say something but you just let him vent, throwing his anger and frustration at you “JUST LET ME LIVE” he finally growled. His loud voice made you take stop steps back, surprised by his act. Instinctively, you bit your lips to control your tears and keep them from running down your cheeks. Ben was panting, after what he just told you. His eyes were still glued on you and you could read every sign of someone being angry on his face.

“Have fun, then” you spoke but your voice was barely audible. Still, Ben seemed to have heard it because two seconds later, he slammed the door shut behind him, leaving you alone with the echo of his words.

The rest of the day was exhausting and pretty long, especially since Ben just left on a fight. You kept wandering in the house, holding your phone in your hands, hoping he would call. Of course you wanted to call him, to apologize again, but just like he said, you needed to let him live.

You spent the night awake, remembering every words he said to you, making your heart breaking even more. Just sitting on the couch, watching dozens of tv shows you were waiting for Ben to come home.

You found yourself quite a few times calling Ben’s name in the house when you heard a noise, but it was always just Frankie walking around, and you couldn’t hide the deception.

You weren’t really tired, you were just too sad to feel anything. You completely lost track of time, you realised it was morning when you saw the sun coming up, through the curtains you only half closed.

Frankie seemed to have realised that something was off; it’s like she could feel the pain. She followed you everywhere, hitting your hands with her little paws to get you to move or even just pet her. She was trying to let you know that you weren’t completely alone. You gave in and let her climb on the couch, so you could hold her against you and just rub her tummy, which made you a little bit better.

You wanted to cry too, let the tears take your sadness away but you couldn’t, you weren’t feeling hunger too, it was like Ben’s words took everything from you.

But finally, hope was growing inside you when you heard the door open, meaning that Ben was home. You assumed it was around 5pm, because the tv show you were watching usually started at this hour. You felt relieved when Ben’s steps were coming closer to you.

“I’m sorry” you heard him say but it took a few seconds to understand his words. “I shouldn’t have yelled like that”

“Oh no, Ben! I’m the one who should be apologizing! I was being an annoying girlfriend” you said as you hurried get into his arms, missing that feeling where you could touch him.

“It’s just…. I know something is off with you and I know for sure, that you’re not telling me everything and it’s bothering me. Because you can trust me with your problems” he said as he placed a -meche- of hair behind your ear.

“I know…” you muttered, blaming yourself for this situation with your boyfriend.

“Just talk to me, love. How can you expect us to fix things, if you never talk about what’s wrong” he said a little bit pissed and annoyed. You knew that if you kept things to yourself, it would start another fight, and you heart and mind weren’t ready to fight against Ben, once again, especially since he just got home.

You stayed silent a few minutes, remembering what Ben told you a few moments ago; that you could trust him. And you did trust him, it was just that bringing up your issue would be too painful, for you. You took Ben’s hands in yours and made him sit on the couch with you. You finally took a deep breath and decided to tell Ben. “I’ve been alone all my life. At school, I was always the one alone to do group projects, I didn’t have tons of friends. The ones I had? Always going out with me, always making plans without including me. I spent most of my free time in bed, alone in my room watching my friends on social medias having fun without me. It did something to me, I realise that. It made me hate loneliness” you let out, with a wobbly voice.

“But… When I’m away?” He questioned. You were expecting that, it was obvious that he couldn’t understand the whole situation.

“I spend my time at work and go straight to bed. Doing any activities that won’t remind me that I’m alone. But Ben, when you are here with me, and you leave me to go with your friends, it’s just making me feel lonely. Because you’re finally home, yet I’m still alone. And I hate to feel like that” you confessed, whispering. Ben was completely listening, holding your hands tighter. His act showed you that you weren’t alone, and that he was here for you now.

“Love, I didn’t know… I’m so sorry” he apologized, pulling you closer to him so he could hug you

“I want you to know that I don’t blame you or your friends for going. I’m glad you’re still having fun! It’s just… I don’t know, I just feel it and I can’t fight this feeling of loneliness. And when you left, it was even worse” It felt really good for you to finally let things out.

“Hey, it’s okay. I’m not going anywhere, anymore. At least, for a few months” he told you, making you smile. “How about we stay on the couch and watch a movie?” he suggested and you nodded, not wanting to waste any minutes.

Ben was now aware of your situation and he promised he’d never get upset when you’re feeling low and just want to spend time with you. The two of you agreed to keep being honest with each other, to avoid any fights like that to happen again.

[nicolemagolan]

Two Cities, One Galaxy: How Star Wars Connects And Divides Us

Early in 2019, I wrote a personal essay about Star Wars. It centered around SWCC (Star Wars Celebration Chicago) and my experience of watching the live stream in my living room at 4am, when the episode IX teaser and title was unveiled. 

It’s about fandom, the internet, and isolation. It’s about how Star Wars impacted my life, and about my relationship with my brother.

It also, eerily, foreshadows the disappointment I would eventually feel about The Rise of Skywalker. So here it is, under the cut. Please give it a read, and let me know your thoughts!

***

My phone blinks 3:30am, April 13th, 2019. In Chicago it’s 10:30am, yesterday. I should be asleep. I should stay present in Auckland, where no one else is awake except the moths gathering on the kitchen window.

My brother is slumped beside me, eyes closed, lost somewhere between sleep and boredom. We sit in the darkness of our living room, outlined by the grey glaze of the television. I’m wearing pyjama pants and yesterday’s T-shirt. An empty bag of chips is screwed up on the carpet, a half-drunk can of Lift Plus sits on the mantelpiece.

I stare at the TV. Waiting. My knee bobs up and down. I glance at my phone, and refresh Twitter. The tweets are coming in a blur: people yelling in caps lock, streaming without punctuation, some of it indecipherable, some of it from me. It’s happening kids / MERRY IXMAS, EVERYONE / I'm trying to remember it's called Star Wars Celebration not Star Wars oh my god I'm so stressed-ebration / I AM READY TO BE EPISODE IXed. The world around me is asleep, but the world under my thumb has never been more alive.

I take another sip of Lift Plus and feel its energy tingle through my bloodstream. Or maybe that sensation is the force.

When I was in class earlier in the day, wearing a Star Wars tee, writing in a Star Wars notebook and drinking from a Star Wars bottle, I was already stewing in anticipation. My mind was in another galaxy; speculation ran through me like shooting stars. My dedication to the Star Wars universe is fuelled not by the incessant marketing or the cheap merchandise, but by the passion I have for stories, space wizards, and the cute-yet-creepy alien bird race known as the Porgs.

 Star Wars Celebration Chicago is set to begin livestreaming on YouTube in just a few minutes. A countdown slowly ticks on screen. This will be the first big panel of Celebration, and the one I am most eager to see. The panel is for Star Wars: Episode IX, consisting of a Q&A session with cast members. Our first real, palpable look at the film, at beloved returning characters, and the new additions, to hear from returning Director J.J. Abrams what his vision for IX is.

But the real reason anyone is staying up all night to watch the livestream isn’t to see Abrams dodge spoilery questions. It’s to be amongst the first to witness the Episode IX trailer. The very first teaser trailer. Imagine a choir singing angelic sounds behind that one word and maybe you’ll begin to understand. What I really want is to catch a glimpse of the upcoming film, to learn the title—oh my goodness, the title—along with thousands of far, far away fans; some watching live in the dead of night or crack of dawn. The lucky few are crowded into the panel room itself. I swipe through pixelated and blurry selfies posted with #SWCC. It’s a big auditorium, packed with media, families, and cosplayers, and many are swinging lightsabers above the crowd’s heads. Purple, blue, green, and red beams of light. The stage itself is lit up with a bright blue backdrop.

 When I told my parents I was going to camp out in the living room to watch the livestream of Star Wars Celebration, they rolled their eyes. When I asked my brother if he wanted to join me, he cried, ‘Whyyy,’ before revealing his true colours when he showed up on the couch at 2am.

He was all too keen to eat my snacks, but now as time crawls forward, he seems to have come to the conclusion that it is ridiculous to stay up for something you can watch on your phone, from your bed, when you wake up. I have come to the conclusion that he is lying to himself. On the path to the dark side, perhaps.

He’s always joined me on my silly adventures, making fun of me along the way. But the fact that he’s willing to be there is enough, as he is now. Star Wars has been a part of his life as much as mine; we grew up roaring Chewbacca impressions and fighting with cardboard lightsabers; He’d be Darth Maul and I’d be Obi-Wan (so I got to chop him in half every time). Kids would tell me I was a weirdo for liking Star Wars, for playing with Barbies and Darth Vader figurines, blurring the lines between allocated girls’ or boys’ toys. But my brother and I knew: Star Wars is a fun space adventure for whoever wants to enjoy it.

We got older and the movies lost a touch of their magic: the internet revealed the intense hatred shovelled at the prequel trilogy. Little-me had loved the ridiculous Jar Jar Binks, but the middle-aged fans who grew up with the original trilogy saw him as an offence to their childhood obsession. (JUSTICE FOR JAR JAR is the hill I will die on.)

Then Disney bought Lucasfilm and ushered in a new era. I have a series of selfies from midnight premieres—me grinning from ear to ear, my brother with eyes closed and discontented frown (his go-to photo pose)—in the blurry light of the Imax screen on Queen Street. But one glance at his smiling face during the film and you know he loves this galaxy as much as the next fan.

Sometimes that’s the problem: our love for this story is so great and so ingrained, that it can bubble over into endless online debates. Debates become heated, become personal, become hateful. In this era of social media, everyone has a voice, but the ones who spit poison are the loudest. We struggle to find common ground sometimes. But it’s always there, beneath out feet and on our TV screens. We love Star Wars. We love to watch it, re-enact it, dissect it, wear it, read it, and write about it. Whether the common ground we stand on looks like the sands of Tatooine or the lake country of Naboo, it’s all the same galaxy. Even though the galaxy-shattering film The Last Jedi threatened to destroy us, we can find a way to stand together. Because when the fans unite, at movie premieres, or conventions, the fandom can become something worth celebrating.

Like today, right now, 3:59am in my living room.

I look up from my phone. The countdown reaches zero. I hold my breath. A soft echo of music trickles through the speakers, and John Williams’ familiar score wraps around me like a blanket. Goose bumps pop up on my skin.

The Star Wars logo vanishes and the screen cuts to black. I snap up and nudge my sleeping brother’s arm with my toe. He jolts awake, looks at the black screen and scowls.

‘Nothing’s hap—’

He’s cut off by a roaring applause as the blue-lit panel stage lights up the screen. The room around me fades. I’m in Auckland with my brain fuzzy, and I’m transported to Chicago with heart thumping.

My brother jumps up and stands in front of the screen. ‘I’m going to the bathroom.’

I babble, ‘butthepanelisabouttostart,’ craning my neck around his legs.

‘Oh well,’ he says. He walks off.

Stephen Colbert is pacing around the stage, babbling on about Dagobah and S-foils, trying to work the crowd up—unnecessary, since we are all waiting for the cast and crew.

I’m leaning forward, straining my eyes, and wondering if anyone actually finds his ‘jokes’ funny. Twitter tells me, yes, they do. The excitement level is high, making everything fresh and exciting, even if it’s a Star Wars pun heard years ago. I almost feel like I could twist my neck and hear people whispering behind me, instead of tweeting alongside me.

 The closest thing to this feeling in my own city is Armageddon Expo, the annual convention at the ASB Showgrounds in Greenlane. Nerds I’ve never met become my best friends. We jam the halls like squashed-up skittles. I don’t know their names but I know who they are. When I’m dressed in Rey’s dusty scavenger outfit, with staff in hand and hair bunched in three bobbles, young girls point and giggle. I wave at them, their eyes wide with wonder, and my heart is full.

The internet fandom space is a mix of tweet-before-thinking garbage and fun bite-sized meta. The real-world fandom spaces, such as Armageddon, are a big geeky party; no one hiding behind an anonymous wall, and no one left out.

This livestream is somewhere in between. I am connected online from where I sit in Auckland. Reading tweets and writing tweets and liking gifs. Yet I am in Chicago, oblivious to the sleeping city around me.

Stephen Colbert brings out Director J.J. Abrams and head of Lucasfilm Kathleen Kennedy, and the content we’re all waiting for finally begins. I take in every detail, every non-answer. I enjoy it. I loathe it. Stephen Colbert asks unanswerable questions, like the fate of Daisy Ridley’s character, or how the relationships develop. No word is uttered more than ‘spoilers’.

The cast members are introduced onto the stage; first is Anthony Daniels who plays C-3PO—one of the remaining few original cast members from 1977. He waves hello to the crowd before looking for the cameras. In his charming British accent, he says, ‘On tweets today people were, all over the world, saying “wish I could be here”. And I know we’re on camera, so I don’t know where the camera is, but whoever is in Australia or…’ He pauses for a flicker of a second, ‘…all the other countries around the planet; I wanna give you a big wave, and you are here in spirit. Okay?’

I grin a little wider. Of course he would mention our neighbour, Australia. So close, and yet so far.

 In New Zealand, despite the growing connections through social media, I feel isolated. Even in the vast Auckland city, where I easily get lost in the busy roads and busy people. New Zealand is separate. And that’s part of what makes it special.

But the isolation is also part of what makes being part the Star Wars fandom special.

It’s a larger world. Out there in space; out there in the world wide web. Legendary or anonymous, you can be a part of something. You can tell your story; you can make one up. After movie premieres, there is a sense of privilege and power in that none of my fellow fans in America have yet seen the movie. The Last Jedi came here a few days early, and I knew all the things before anyone else. We were isolated again. And it felt so good.

Did I go and post spoilers? No, because I’m not an asshole (you know who you are). But I told people they’re gonna love it. I told them the film is exciting and unexpected and dabbles deliciously in subtext in a way that’s fresh for Star Wars. I sign off with eagerness for the upcoming dissection and discussion of the film.

 The next day I’m shocked to learn that many many many people felt it was a ‘betrayal’ of Star Wars. A disaster of a movie. A cluttered mess of a story, an anti-climactic sequel that instead of building on what came before, tore the past to shreds. My brother is one of them.

And the fandom split in two.

But not today. Not tonight. I refuse, and so does everyone on my Twitter feed, because we’re tired of defending Rey, who is not a Mary Sue; and Vice Admiral Holdo, whose purple hair does not make her a lesser fighter; and Rose Tico, who fell victim to dude-bros saying she’s the worst character ever, she ruined their childhood, and Asians don’t belong in Star Wars; until eventually the actress, Kelly Marie Tran, deleted all her social media.

When Kelly walks onto the panel stage, she gets a standing ovation. There are tears in her eyes, and there are tears in mine.

 They introduce the new cast members, and display behind the scenes photos, and babble on about the brilliant practical effects. There’s a touching tribute to Carrie Fisher, an awkward bit about Adam Driver’s chest, and the introduction of new droid D-O. When the duck-inspired droid rolls onto the stage, you can hear cash registers ring.

My brother comes back in the room as the panel is winding up. He flops into the chair and sighs. ‘So, did I miss anything?’

‘You missed everything.’

‘So I didn’t miss anything then,’ he smirks.

Stephen Colbert asks J.J. Abrams if there’s anything he wants to leave with the fans. I lean forward. ‘This is it,’ I screech.

This is it. It boils down to this simple, repeated moment in time: the day, or night, or very-early-morning that a Star Wars trailer is about to debut. I am alone, and yet so very not alone, united in a nerdy passion that doesn’t call for such depth of devotion. But here we all are. Here I am. And here’s Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker (omg).

 I switch off the TV. The darkness eats my eyeballs.

‘How am I supposed to sleep after that!?’ I yell. ‘Palpatine. Freaking Pal-pa-tine! NO! YES! Why?!’

Silence.

My brother is asleep.

I throw a pillow at him. ‘DUDE! Palpatine is back!’

He mumbles, ‘Haha, lame.’ His eyes don’t open.

I slide down the couch until I hit the hard floor. The Rise of Skywalker. Doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue. I sit there in the lonely living room, and let my thoughts trail off into the dark.

[ellygoesnyooom]

can i please request a scenario of the first big fight between zen and mc please? maybe she’s jealous, maybe she sees something and misunderstands? zen says something rlly hurtful as well. but can it please have a fluffy end? thanks!

Oooh, I had too much fun writing this I may or may not have bawled my eyes out too but. I made sure to have a happy ending after the angst. I sure needed some fluff after this ;~; It is suuupper long, so the post is going underneath the cut so that I’m not actually hogging everyone’s dash. I hope you enjoy this Zen angst, anon!

The first year and a half of your relationship was amazing for the two of you

It was exciting and new. Everything he did amazed you and captured your complete attention

Every kiss, every touch filled your stomach with those damn butterflies you hate, but you always found yourself looking for more

When he would look at you with those crimson eyes filled with adoration and love for just you, it melted your heart

He was yours

Out in public, he would wrap an arm around your shoulder and hold you close. If not that, his hand was wrapped securely around yours. His thumb would rub circles into the back of your hand, and if he was feeling silly, he would swing your linked arms back and forth, too

The paparazzi, in the beginning, used to unnerve you a bit, but after a while, much like zen had, you learned to tune out the occasional flash of a camera

When fans would come up to the two of you, most would gush about how adorable the two of you were, and asked for pictures with the two of you

Zen basked in the spotlight, and occasionally, you would step away and allow them to focus completely on his

Sometimes you two encountered fan who ignores you or jeers at you about how ‘you don’t look good together’ or how you ‘are ruining Zen’s image’. In those instances, Zen would excuse the two of you, walk a bit away, and sweep you up in his arms in a grand romantic gesture before pressing a kiss to your lips

It was as if he was giving them an ‘in your face’ sort of thing. He loved when you got all flustered afterwards

There were times things got a little bumpy, like when he had a role that forced him to stay out late at rehearsals. You were worried sick for him, as he would come home around nearly midnight looking absolutely wiped, but he would always sit up a little bit to talk with you, if you were awake

But, lately things were getting much more rocky than usual

He was starting to change, slightly at first. Your two year anniversary was fast approaching, and you thought he would become more friendly and romantic as the date neared

Instead, he started to become a bit more distant, almost cold. He stayed out late, and when he got home, he barely said hello before he went to shower and go to bed

He left you home more often than not, and romantic gestures were becoming few and far between

At first you didn’t worry too much. He was just tired from rehearsal. He would come around once they let up on him

That day came and went, and it seemed to be getting worse rather than better

He left early in the morning to work out, came back home for about twenty minutes to change and shower quick before leaving again for rehearsal.

He threw himself into rehearsal, leaving little time for you

The paparazzi noticed this, as they usually do, and whenever you went online, you found various articles surrounding yours and Zen’s relationship. Some of them made you snort with how ridiculous they were, others worried you more than they should have. You tried to not let them bother you, but they inevitably did

You tried to avoid them, but avoiding the articles seemed to make them seek you out

One day, while you were preparing some dinner in hopes that Zen would come home early enough to eat it, one of your close friends sent you a link to an article. You almost ignored it, but curiosity got the better of you and you set down the knife you were using to chop a tomato and opened the link

The contents made your stomach roil

It was an article from one of the more trustworthy celebrity news sites, and the title jumped out at you. “Has rising actor Zen taken a new lover?”

Right underneath was a series of images, of your boyfriend, walking besides a leggy redhead. They both had a smile on their faces that made your heart ache.

A few seemed like a stretch to say they were ‘lovers’, as it just looked like two friends walking down the street chatting

But, a few caught your eye. Two in particular, actually.

In the first, they were standing underneath an overhang of a cafe as it rained. He was putting his signature grey jacket around the woman’s shoulders as she looked up at him with a grin. The second, most likely taken seconds if not minutes apart, he had his arm around her shoulders as she rested her head on his shoulder. His face was hidden as he looked to the side, not at her, but her eyes were in full view, and showed nothing but pure adoration and pure happiness.

The images made your blood run cold in your veins. Was this why he was so distant lately? Of course, right on time for your anniversary, too!

You finished dinner, but instead of setting the table and waiting for him to come home, you made yourself a plate and put his in the fridge instead with a note to heat up

You printed out the article and set it on the table with a note for Zen before you went to bed. You needed to sleep, and try to forget this whole mess, at least for a bit

When you woke up, it was to a hand shaking you awake. You knew exactly who it was, and opened your eyes to see Zen standing above you. A quick glance at the alarm clock told you it was nearly 2am

“Since when do you listen to tabloid articles, MC?” You sat up and rubbed your eyes, still half asleep. The lamp was on beside your bed. Huh. You swore you turned it off…

It took a second for your brain to catch up to what happened, but finally, it did, and you were mad

“Zen, do you have eyes that work? Look at the pictures! What am I supposed to think?”

A look you had never seen flashed across his face: anger. Pure anger. “Am I not allowed to have a life outside of you? I’m not allowed to have female friends?”

“Not if you are going to leave me, your girlfriend, home alone most days to go play with your new toy!” His crimson eyes that once held so much adoration and love for you only held anger and hostility. “She is not a toy, and I would appreciate it if you would trust me more! Ask me instead of going to these stupid tabloids!”

“How am I supposed to come to you when you aren’t around? Answer me that, Zen! You leave early, and come back late! I barely get a glance from you before you go to sleep! How am I supposed to ask you if you avoid me all the time?”

“Just ask! What’s so hard? Pull me aside and ask me! Jesus, MC, I didn’t know you were that airheaded! Stop worrying so much and let me make my own decisions! Maybe they were right...”

Him calling you an airhead hurt, but you wanted to know who was right. “‘They’? Who?”

“Nobody, MC. I’m going to get ready for bed.” He started to walk away from the bed, but you jumped out from underneath the covers and grabbed his arm, yanking him around. “Answer me! Who was right?”

He looked you dead in the eye. “The fans who said you are wrong for me. If you can’t trust me enough to let me have friends and care about my friends, then I don’t know why I’m still trying. They must be right.”

Before you could stop yourself, you slapped him hard across the face. His face jerked to the side with the force, freezing for a second before turning back to you. His eyes were wide, and most of the hostility was gone, replaced by shock. “How dare you, Zen.”

Without another word, you shoved him out of the room and slammed the door. Thank goodness it locked from the inside

You plopped down on the bed and let a few angry tears slide down your face as you pondered what to do next. It was 2am. Yoosung may be awake, but too deep into LOLOL to notice her calls, plus his apartment was so cramped. Jaehee was so busy, you felt bad bothering her. Jumin would probably not hesitate to let you stay for a bit, but he was so formal and you weren’t too close to him anyways. Seven was your last option. If he didn’t answer, you would call Jumin.

You quickly called him, and to your surprise, he picked up with a usual cheesy greeting. “S-seven, can I stay at yours for a little bit?” He could hear the waver in your choked up voice, and all jokes vanished. He quickly agreed, and told you he would be there to pick you up in a few.

He didn’t ask questions, and you were thankful as you packed up some of your belongings in a duffel bag and waited for his text

Zen never bothered you, and you were glad

Seven finally arrived and you came out of the room. Zen was sitting on the couch with his head in his hands. There was an open beer can in front of him

His head shot up when you came out, and fell when he saw the duffel bag. “MC? Where are you going?” You glared at him. “This airhead is going to leave. Obviously this won’t work.”

“Where will you go?”

“None of your business. Have a good night, Zen. Feel free to invite that girl over, I won’t be back anytime soon.” This silenced him, allowing for you to escape to Seven’s car

He didn’t ask any questions again, just silently unlocked the car and let you slide in

As you pulled away, you could see Zen standing in the doorway. Your heart shattered slightly as you watched him turn and shut the door, and let a few tears slip again

He told you you could stay as long as you needed. He was much different than in the chatroom; maybe it was the situation, but he was much more mellow, and very little jokes escaped

Most of the time he worked, leaving you to your own devices, which you didn’t mind. He had little trinkets all around that caught your attention

You spent most of the days there cleaning his house to keep busy and avoid thinking about him

Zen didn’t try to call, and not surprisingly didn’t show up at seven’s doorstep. Part of you wished he would show up and beg for your forgiveness, but you weren’t sure how to handle it if he did

Your dreams were filled with him, and eventually you stopped sleeping, for fear of seeing him

Seven took notice, and when you did sleep, he could hear you crying out his name from in his office. It broke his heart. He had never been more mad at Zen than at that moment

One day, around two weeks after you came to his bunker, Seven left to grab some food. Your being there forced him to go out and refill the fridge with healthy food

Later, you heard someone trying to get into the bunker. You assumed it was Seven, but when the door opened, it wasn’t Seven’s voice that you heard

“MC?” Zen called into the bunker, and your blood ran cold. How had he gotten in?

You sat stone-faced on the couch, knowing you couldn’t hide, not anymore. Finally he appeared

He was dressed impeccably in a silver suit and tie. In his arms was a large bouquet of flowers. He chuckled nervously, but it faded at your appearance

You must have looked horrible. When was the last time you had even bothered to look in a mirror, to care about your appearance in the last two weeks? Well, good. Let him see what he did to you

“How did you get in here?”

“Seven helped me with the password.” he seemed genuinely nervous, eyes darting around the room. Everywhere but at you. “Zen, I don’t-”

“Please, just listen to me? I want to explain why things happened like they did. Even if you want to… want to break up… let me explain before you decide.” His eyes finally landed on you, and they looked… remorseful?

With a sigh, you nodded, and he came over, setting the flowers down gently on the floor before sitting down beside you.

“Where do I start…” you told him the beginning, and with a deep breath, he started.

“Okay, so it started about a few months ago. You brought up going on vacation with me. You talked about all of these places, and I felt horrible for not being able to take you. You looked so beautiful while talking about seeing France, Germany, London, Canada. So, I decided I would get you to at least one of those places. So, I started to work more. I took on more roles to try and get more money, and took up other jobs to get the money. I started to get distant because I was working so hard to collect the money to get you to one of your dream places. I was exhausted, but determined.”

He paused to let this sink in, then continued. “Do you remember that lady from the gossip article?”

Anger started to boil up at the mention of her. He reached out to soothe you, but quickly thought better of it, returning his hand to his lap. He twiddled nervously with the cuff of his jacket. “She was going to give me a modeling job that would one, put me out there more, and two, give me plenty of money. You know how much I hate modelling jobs, MC. I prefer acting, but I was going to do it to get you the money.” He gave you a soft smile before continuing.

“I had been planning the modelling job with her for a while, and had only gone out with her that one day to discuss it over lunch. The images where from when we were walking to lunch, and it started raining. She didn’t bring a jacket or an umbrella, and was shivering, so I wrapped her in my jacket and put an arm around her to keep her warm. I had no idea that it would happen, or that she had romantic feelings towards me. I do not return those feelings in the slightest, I promise, MC. But those tabloids, you can’t believe them. They usually are fake, or have twisted the truth. You can believe me, though, MC. I promise to you, and swear on everything I’ve worked so hard to achieve, that I am telling the honest truth to you. Can you forgive me?”

His eyes were glassy, but when you looked at his face, it held nothing but regret and sadness. No hint of a lie. He was telling the truth.

“... do you really think I am an airhead? And that the fans that say that mean stuff are true?” His face fell as you spoke the words, and he didn’t hesitate to wrap you in his arms. It felt so good. You missed his arms around you

“No, no, no! MC, I know I said those words, but it was late, and I was exhausted. I didn’t mean them, and I’ve regretted the words ever since you left. You are not an airhead, nor are the mean fans right. You are gorgeous and smart and sharp-minded and the most important person to me. I was a douche to you, and I’m so sorry. Can you… can you forgive me?” You already knew your answer, and knew it since you saw him appear in front of you with that bouquet

You nodded, and his chest heaved. Was he crying? The wetness on your head soon after confirmed it

The two of you sat holding each other, crying softly. Zen pressed kisses to the top of your head as his hands rubbed your back soothingly. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…” he chanted like a mantra

Finally, you two leaned back, and he kissed you quickly on your lips. You greeted his kiss happily.

“Oh, MC. Can you pack up your things and shower real quick? We have a plane to catch soon.” You looked at him confused until he picked up the flowers and pulled two pieces of paper out of his suit pocket, handing them to you. “Happy Anniversary, Jagi~” You took the flowers and tickets out of his hands and set them down, smashing your lips to his. “I love you, Zen, I’m sorry about jumping to conclusions. I was just upset. But thank you for this, you didn’t need to.”

“Of course I did.” He pushed the hair out of your face and peppered kisses to your cheekbones and nose. “Now, go get ready. Seven will be back soon, and Paris awaits us. I already packed your bag. It would have been really awkward if you turned me down after I did all of this.” He laughed nervously

With a final kiss and a giggle, you bounded to the bathroom to shower

When you finished, Zen had already packed your items and was waiting in the living room, talking to Seven. Both men’s eyes darted to you, but Zen’s lit up more than Seven’s, who's eyes looked more relieved than anything. “Ready, babe?”

“Ready.” You thanked Seven for letting you stay, and he hugged you tightly, poking you gently in the side teasingly when you pulled away.

You and Zen left Seven’s house hand in hand, crawled into the taxi, and cuddled up to each other on the way to the airport.

You had never been more glad to have Zen, and more in love with him, in your life. You gave him a quick kiss and snuggled up into his side as he wrapped an arm protectively around you.

 “So, are we going to french kiss in France?”Okay, maybe not. You scowled playfully and went to move away until he yanked you back pleading you not to. “Sorry sorry, that was bad! But… can we?” \

Yes, you were sure. You loved him.

[youremyonlyhope]

The Doctor Falls

I am REALLY glad I took a week off from checking my dashboard because I was not aware that last week was the season finale of Doctor Who. I was like "I missed episode 12, there’s 13 episodes in each season, so I guess this season finale’s a 3-parter again and it ends next week! So I can catch up before the finale!”

But NOPE. IT WAS THE FINALE. THIS SEASON ONLY HAD 12 EPISODES. I MISSED THE DOCTOR WHO FINALE. WITHOUT EVEN REALIZING IT. I AM SO GLAD I DECIDED TO MAKE SURE TO AVOID SPOILERS THIS WEEK. OH MY GOD.

Though I did get spoiled for something a few days ago, but I can’t remember what it was right now. Which is good. It’s basically almost like I wasn’t spoiled at all.

On that note. Guys. Just putting “Spoilers!” in the title or in the text of your post isn’t enough, please tag things as “Doctor Who Spoilers” or “DW Spoilers”. Or at least put the spoilers under Read More.

Ok. Time for the Doctor Who finale. Which obviously, since I didn’t know it was the finale until just now before starting this episode, I am not at all ready for it. I thought I had another week to mentally prepare for this but nope. I mean, since I’m watching it a week later I guess I had an extra week, but I mean an extra week where I’d KNOW I’d be watching the finale in a week.

Let’s see if my wifi will work with me for the hour and a half it will take to watch this episode. Super bad quality, took forever to buffer, so far it’s only kinda working. Ugh. UMM. UMMMM. UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. THE CYBERMEN ARE ON THOSE THINGS THAT HOLD UP SCARECROWS. THIS IS FAMILY OF BLOOD ALL OVER AGAIN. UMMMMMMMM THE SKY ISN’T REALLY SKY.... UMMM THE NICE MOTHERLY LADY HAS A GUN NOW. OH HELL NAH THAT’S TERRIFYING THEY’RE LIMPING TOWARDS THEM. “IT’S THE SCARECROWS. NEW ONES.” UMMMMMMM NAH. AND THEY JUST HANG UP THE BODIES? WHAT THE HELL. This music is very Old Who based on the few Old Who episodes I’ve seen. That makes me kind of happy. OK. HAPPINESS FROM THE MUSIC IS GONE BECAUSE BILL IS CARRYING THE DOCTOR’S LIMP BODY. While the opening credits are playing I just need to say, Capaldi, I am going to miss you so much. So so so much. I adored Capaldi’s Doctor. He was amazing. I love him so much. I miss him so much already. Missy, girl, I had so much hope for you. I’m enjoying this Master Missy banter though. “Ten years, you spent up there, chatting. You missed her by 2 hours.” THAT’S HORRIBLE. Prepare for a lot of capslock in this post. I hear the music again. From last episode. “This is Gallifrey” I think? “You two, you should know by now, when you’re winning, and I’m in the room, you’re missing something.” THAT IS AN AMAZING QUOTE TO DESCRIBE THE DOCTOR. YES. “Knock yourself out.” *Missy knocks out the Master* MISSY YES GIRL. BILL YES GIRL. Ok but what I can’t get my brain around is like... going from floor to floor is technically time travel... which is amazing... but they’re REALLY stuck... because of time...  UMM. BILL. GIRL. WHY ARE YOU NORMAL SUDDENLY?! Oh. She’s imagining herself as normal. Great. JELLY BABY. SO MUCH OLD WHO. DO ALL CYBERMEN SEE THEMSELVES AS THEIR OLD SELVES AT FIRST? She’s crying real tears! Fuck you, Master. I usually don’t hate you. But oh my god. I mean. At least the monotone voice hides emotion... Gotta take a moment to say the Pearl is literally tearing my heart out of my chest and shredding it so, good for you girl. DOCTOR. DOCTOR. YOU’RE PUSHING OFF YOUR REGENERATION. AGAIN. THAT’S NOT GOOD.

Master: “Do as she says.” Is the future going to be all girl? Me: Hopefully. Doctor: We can only hope. Me: YES!

ALSO COULD THAT POSSIBLY BE FORESHADOWING A WOMAN PLAYING THE DOCTOR IN THE FUTURE!? Also all this “Why don’t you remember this?” stuff better not be foreshadowing that Missy isn’t really the Master or something. Because I know lots of (sexist) Missy haters theorize that she’s not. I don’t want them to be right. I’m not even a Missy lover but I’ll be really angry if they reveal like “oh lol haha we lied she’s not really the Master lol gotcha.” OK WAIT. HOW HAVE I NEVER NOTICED HER SONIC IS HER UMBRELLA? HAVE I REALLY NOT BEEN PAYING ATTENTION TO HER? OH NO THE CYBERMEN HAVE ADVANCED A LOT SINCE WE LEFT THEM. I do like the contrast of Bill’s old school Cyberman vs the new one though. SO WE’RE TRULY TARDIS-LESS IN THIS EPISODE. MORE TARDIS-LESS THAN EVER BEFORE REALLY. SINCE THE... YOU KNOW WHAT? I CAN’T EVEN ARTICULATE THIS. I WAS GONNA SAY “SINCE THE TARDIS IS IN THE PAST” BUT IT’S NOT. IT’S JUST MOVING SLOWER THAN THEM AND THEY’RE MOVING SLOWER THAN THE CYBERMEN. IT’S HARD TO ARTICULATE WHAT’S HAPPENING. THAT’S HOW TARDIS-LESS WE ARE RIGHT NOW. GREAT. OH. OH. OH THAT’S JUST GREAT. THEY’RE JUST GONNA FLY UP AND THROUGH THE LEVELS. COOL. GREAT. FANTASTIC. THIS IS FUN.

Pausing to let it buffer a bit because my wifi hates me again. But oh my god the stakes are high with no TARDIS and a billion cybermen essentially manually time traveling to get to them.

WAIT. THE PEOPLE SEE A GIANT NUMBER IN THE SKY. AND DON’T KNOW THAT THIS IS A SPACE SHIP!? IT REALLY HAS BEEN A LONG TIME. PEOPLE. PASS DOWN YOUR FAMILY HISTORIES. PLEASE. THEY COME IN HANDY. LIKE IF FOR INSTANCE YOU LIVE ON A SPACE SHIP AND IT’S IMPORTANT FOR THE FUTURE GENERATIONS TO KNOW ABOUT IT. AND IF THEY DON’T KNOW THIS IS A SPACE SHIP, WHAT DO THEY THINK ABOUT THE CYBERMEN WHO MAKE IT UP THERE AND LIMP THROUGH? WHAT DO THEY THINK ABOUT THEM? AND WHAT MADE THEM START MAKING THEM INTO SCARECROWS? WHAT?! I mean the Master knows he gets out of this somehow since his future self is talking to him about it and doesn’t really remember it at all. MISSY YOU GENIUS. PARADOXES ARE GREAT. “I’ll try anything once.” Girl. Don’t. No.  They should really give Bill a scarf or something to differentiate her from the others... Though now all of them are newer so it’s easier, but still. Oh poor Bill. See. She’s upset. GOD POOR BILL THIS IS BREAKING MY HEART. That speech. Capaldi. I’m gonna miss you SO SO SO MUCH. God. I would not want to be the actor who has to follow Capaldi. He has some big shoes to fill. See, you know it’s gotten bad when something the Master said (”this is a face that didn’t listen to a word you just said”) that would normally be funny in any other episode, isn’t funny at all, not in the slightest, not at all, nope. It’s just disappointing. Not even like “oh haha” way, it’s just like... sad. ...Did she slip him the missing piece of the Master’s TARDIS...  Why are they in a pointy formation instead of a rectangular one? OK WAIT. OK. WAIT. WHY IS THIS GIVING ME MAJOR DEJA VU. ALIT HOLDING THE APPLE IN FRONT OF THE CYBERMEN. IT’S REMINDING ME OF SOMETHING. I’VE SEEN THIS BEFORE. OR SOMETHING SIMILAR. I THINK. IT’S JUST REALLY GIVING ME DEJA VU RIGHT NOW.

Doctor: I won’t do that until I’ve left. Me: Ok Doctor don’t lie Nardole: Liar, it can’t be done remotely. Me: See there we go.

Bill’s gonna volunteer to watch over the humans isn’t she? Oh no she’s gonna explode with the Doctor instead. Why. I would have preferred her watching over them forever, and all the humans loving her despite her being a Cyberman, and me crying tears of happiness that she’s accepted and sadness that we won’t see Bill again. OH NARDOLE. OH I’M GETTING EMOTIONAL ALREADY. So... I literally can’t tell if this cause of death would be considered a suicide or not... that’s like.. only half a joke... Ok... why do I feel like Bill’s “Glad you knew that” meant something else... or was it just to trick the audience into thinking “oh no another companion developed a crush on the Doctor”? So... double suicide...? Ummm... tell me Missy isn’t dead for good... right? There’s only 15 minutes left... so what’s gonna happen... Did he say Canary Wharf? The captions miss random words sometimes. Yep he’s reciting everything the Cyberman failed at. Also, I had forgotten about the time there were Cybermen on the moon. HEY DOCTOR. I FORBID YOU TO REGENERATE RIGHT NOW. OK NOW THERE’S 10 MINUTES LEFT AND EVERYTHING’S BLOWN UP WHAT’S LEFT TO HAPPEN!???!?! “Pity, no stars. I’d hoped there’d be stars.” WHY IS THIS MAKING ME SO SAD. NARDOLE’S STUCK HERE FOREVER NOW. I’M REALLY EMOTIONAL. See. I assumed it was snow last episode when we saw the Doctor start to regenerate. But nope. I guess it’s ash. Oh Bill. IS SHE GONNA DO IT? IS SHE GONNA FLY HIM UP TO THE TARDIS OR SOMETHING? WAIT. WHAT. WHAT THE HELL. IT’S THE GIRL. WHAT. IT’S WHAT’S HER FACE. HEATHER RIGHT? OH MY GOD. SHE REALLY FOLLOWED HER EVERYWHERE IN SPACE AND TIME. WHAT. OH MY GOD. I JUST GASPED. “LEFT YOU MY TEARS, REMEMBER?” I LEGIT LET OUT A GASP. I don’t know how I feel bout Heather coming out of nowhere like this but like... I can’t complain. THANK GOD FOR HEATHER AND HER CRAZY TIME TRAVELING LOCATION JUMPING WATER. I HOPE I SEE YOU AGAIN TOO BILL. So that’s 2 companions of the Doctor who are now traveling through time and space with an immortal girl(friend). MARTHA. THAT WAS MY MARTHA. “I DON’T WANT TO GO” AND WHAT WAS THAT SONTARAN QUOTE? ANOTHER LAST LINE A DOCTOR? “WHEN THE DOCTOR” WAS ME!?!?!?!?!? IS HE GONNA SAY WAS ME????? “WHEN THE DOCTOR WAS ME.” DJSAKFJDFJSAKFDLSAFDSAJFDJSA No? You can just say... No? And you don’t regenerate? Is it Earth? BELLS??? OH SO IT WAS SNOW, NOT ASH. UMM. WHAT. WHAT IS HAPPENING. WHO IS THAT. OOOOOOOOH IT’S HIM. IT’S HIM. DID I HEAR ABOUT DAVID BRADLEY BEING IN AN EPISODE THIS SEASON? I FEEL LIKE I DID. OH MY GOD. “THE ORIGINAL. YOU MIGHT SAY.” “THE DOCTORS WILL RETURN AT CHRISTMAS.”

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I WANT TO CRY.

Ok I gotta get up and walk away for a minute just...

Me: *Says I’m gonna go calm down for a minute.* Me: *Instead freaks out even more over everything.*

I just went and fangirled to my dad about David Bradley for like 5 straight minutes because he’s the only person awake and I needed to get these feels out verbally. And then just about the episode in general for another 5 minutes. Oh my god. This is too much for 2am.

I just can’t put into words how excited I am. Because David Bradley blew me completely away in An Adventure in Space and Time and we get to see him as the First Doctor and just... oh my god. Oh my god.

Heather coming back for Bill seems almost deus ex machina like but she did leave her her tears and Bill the cyberman cried tears so like whatever, I get it. But believe me, Heather was the LAST person I expected to see. If we had had puddles hidden everywhere throughout the season, that would have been better since there would have been constant hints. Unless... there were puddles everywhere... and no one noticed... or at least I didn’t notice... because puddles are so subtle and common... Am I going to have to rewatch this entire season and look for puddles now?

I’m rereading my post about The Pilot just to see what my thoughts were the first time and I had apparently noticed that there was a picture of Susan on his desk next to River’s, so WERE THEY FORESHADOWING THE FIRST DOCTOR RETURNING FROM THE VERY BEGINNING!? OH MY GOD.

Ok basically. I wish Bill wasn’t leaving. I adored Bill. She needs to come back. At some point. I liked Heather, so once I got over the initial “WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING” aspect of her return I was happy. And I’m glad that Bill doesn’t have to suffer as a Cyberman for the rest of her life, she gets to go off and travel the universe as an immortal puddle with her immortal puddle girlfriend. Yeah. My only complaint really is that she shouldn’t have been able to fly the TARDIS; “I’m the pilot” doesn’t feel like enough of an explanation.

As for the Doctor. Oh Doctor. I wanted to cry. But then the First Doctor came out of nowhere and I need to go see if I can rewatch that scene on YouTube or something because now it’s all a blur of me just freaking out and silently screaming.

Oh wow. The clip is only a minute and 20 seconds long. It felt like a lifetime. Time honestly slowed down when I watched this the first time.

AHHHH I DIDN’T NOTICE HIM GRABBING THE LAPELS OF HIS COAT. YES. YES DAVID BRADLEY. YES. GOD. THEY LITERALLY COULD NOT HAVE PICKED ANYONE BETTER TO PLAY HIM. OH MY GOD.

CHRISTMAS. YOU’RE MAKING ME WAIT UNTIL CHRISTMAS. That was actually my first thought when I had closed this post in order to “calm down” for a minute. I literally pressed save draft, and then looked into space, and whisper/screamed “...Christmas?!?!?!?!” HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO WAIT UNTIL CHRISTMAS?! THAT’S IN ALMOST 6 MONTHS. COME ON. But this means Capaldi gets to stay the Doctor for 6 more months and that’s fantastic.

On that note. Honestly, you guys should all congratulate me on how well I avoided spoilers. I didn’t even know this was the finale, so I’m REALLY glad I picked this episode of all episodes to be like “Nope. Not going on my dashboard because I follow people who like to post spoilers without tagging them. I’ll just avoid my dashboard until I have time to watch the episode” and that was almost a week later. Wow.

Also I never remembered what it was about this episode that I was spoiled for earlier this week, so my brain blocked something out correctly for once.

IN ALL THAT CRAZINESS, I LITERALLY HAD FORGOTTEN THAT MISSY DIED. UM. THAT CAN’T BE THE END OF THE MASTER’S REGENERATIONS RIGHT?

[eword10-blog1]

Sleepless Nights..

.. I often wonder what it is i have done to cause the sandman to despise me, to hate me. He doesn't visit me anymore. He doesn't hit me with his sand of sleep, or send me off to the island of dreams anymore. .. No. He visits everyone else in my household, but rejects me, as though i am an unwanted outcast. He treats me as though i am unworthy of his sleep sand. ... Maybe the shadows of my nightmares became too strong. Maybe he doesn't hate me, and he rejects me in a means to save me from the horror of those.. Even so. Little sleep, even screaming-thrashing-sweating-ready to take flight sleep is slightly better than zero sleep.

...

My mind wanders about such things. Trying to analyze every possible reason, meaning and excuse displayed. I try to piece it back together, i try to comprehend the "sense" it makes.. But i struggle. And that struggle, makes the search for sleep a distraction to the newly acquired mission.

...

I have to know the answers to my questions. Half of these questions don't even have answers, but-- hey, my brain figures if the answers cannot be found i have all the time to create meaningful answers to these questions I'll later forget when I'm crashing after 4-5 days later with unfinished work that no longer makes sense.

...

And after i crash, after i wake up, for the next 4-5 days, I'll be trying to make sense of my previous work-- which then becomes another "newly acquired mission" and the cycle continues.

...

Sleepless nights, become mornings. I lose track of what day it is, what the actual date is, and after a week-- when I'm on a manic high-- i lose count of how many days I've been awake. After six days, i lose count. Counting the days i am awake no longer matters because i know for at least a maximum of two weeks i will not receive a visit from the sandman. Sleep will not enter into my presence.

...

When 2am, 3am, 4am, and 5am roll around.. It isn't hard to depict how lonely i really am compared to the lonely i feel. Everyone seems to be asleep. Passed out. Conked. Knocked. Gone. As to me, i am still awake.

...

Stop looking for sleep and it will come to you.

...

Lies.

...

I could be exhausted, crawl into bed, get all comfy and warm and right as i begin to doze off, right as i begin to fall, to drift.. Right as my eyelids begin to flutter closed, i am wide awake. The feeling of exhaustion dissipates.

**going to sleep this early is a horrendous idea! There is so much to think about, to write, to do!**

The man in my head is so full of life and ideas.. I get up--knowing if i ignore him for too long, i will regret it. Deeply.

...

Sleepless nights.. I swear, i should be used to them by now. Memories flood back. Words hit me like a knife. The sounds. The smells. The tastes. The pain. The hurt. The memories. The past.

...

How do let go of something, when it continuously haunts you? How do you heal, when all you can do is run.. There's no more places to bury the hurt. There's no more places left to hide the pain. The secrets inside are bubbling up, boiling, ready to explode. Ready to spill. The words ready to tumble.

...

I give them but one escape. I write. I let the words flow from my fingertips, whether it be on a phone, a laptop, or my favorite way- a pencil and paper. I capture them as i write them. They cannot grow free. They cannot run to disappear just to come back and haunt my life again when i think things are slightly looking up.

...

Writing is truly a beautiful outlet.

...

Don't ever let it slip away.

...

These sleepless nights are just full of conversations that only exist in my head. So full of thoughts, that no one will ever hear. So full of ideas, no one will ever see. So full of creativity, and yet, so empty. Everything written, drawn, created- is all kept where it cannot be noticed. Where it cannot be read. Or seen. And it can never be judged by the public eye.

...

So many thoughts. But memories pull at the thoughts that have become words. ... Creativity never to be seen so i can escape the judgment that could be helpful, yet never changes. It remains to be full of hatred. Discourages a person to let go of what gives them life. Crushes and burns away a dream. No.. I'll stay sheltered. Because sadly, staying sheltered is a means to keep it all safe. Protected. Unharmed.

...

Once upon a time, in the year 1995, i transferred from one school to another- due to moving. My new school seemed okay. Until I met my bully. I was a scrawny, dangly, lil white kid, with these big ass glasses that covered half of my face. I guess i made the perfect target.

Maybe i should have stood up to my bully.. But i was more of a runner back then. And my bully terrified me. Everyday after school, i ran home. Not stopping until i was safe behind my front door. Locking it, just to be sure. Slacking on details.. But. Not all details come out off rip. Other details need to be explained, and to explain them, I'd fall off track of this story and get lost in at least 5 others. .. Back to my bully. This chick was dumb stupid tall.... Or maybe it just felt that way, cause i was short. Like REAL short. Short, scrawny, dangly, four eyes. I don't know when she decided that she couldn't be my friend.. I guess being a bully was more appealing. She humiliated me, day in-day out. Pushed me down on the playground, having her lil wanna be bullies making sure i didn't get up til recess was over cause if i did-- i wasn't 100 on what she would do, but i really didn't want to find out either. I couldn't read, write or spell to save my life back then.. When the teacher would have us reading a book, those of us that couldn't read had to choose another student to read for us. My bully made sure my decision every single time was her. She did good, in front of the teacher. Playground, recess, gym, at lunch.. Let's laugh at me because i couldn't read "simple" words. Not only did i hear it at home, i heard it at school. "How dumb can you be" "who wears those types of clothes" "four eyes"... All types of sideways comments just to break someone down to feel better about yourself?? I seen that hate start at five years old. From people i didn't even know. I never stopped thinking i was a target. Never stopped believing there was seriously something wrong with me that attracted people to fuck me over in every way possible.

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I should be a bitter, cold hearted, hateful man. ... But. I'm not. I still got a big heart. I still help people out. And i still try to understand, or piece together where in fuck i made a mistake? Granted, people make decisions to hurt others that half the time doesn't even relate to the person they choose to hurt.. But i could never believe that my luck was just that shitty.

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I guess her wanna be bullies could also be titled her goon squad. It's been 22 years. 22 years, and i still remember her face. I remember the way her voice sounds. I remember the way she said things, and i remember the words she spoke. I remember her dead stare. I remember every threat. And i remember her name. Audrianna. And i remember she hated me. From the moment she saw me, she hated me. Why? I have not one good goddamn idea.

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The past is a bitch that hurts. A ghost that haunts. A riddle with no obvious answer. A rhetorical question that doesn't require a response.

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Let go of my past.. Move on.. Get on with my life.. Yeah. If i could have done any of the above, i would have. So far, those things still feel far, far away and out of my reach.

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Sleepless nights, I'm wide awake

Dreams full of fright, a deep breath i take

The war exists, in my bed

When i close my eyes, all the attacks rush me in my head

No escape, no exit

I punch the walls, the doors i hit

Locked tight n firm, not even a little budge

I feel like a worm, helpless, give me a little nudge

Wake me up, free me from this sleep

This dream is miserable, the contents have become too deep

Run. Just run. Don't look back

This is when the darkness comes, blinding me from the right track

Shadow people chase me, they want to hijack my mind

They want inside my brain, i hide hoping it is me they do not find

Because all i feel is a deep sense of fear and a deep sense of pain

I try to wake myself, but it just doesn't seem to work

They run towards me, i think I've been found

My heart is beating bizerk and yet has no sound

I see a vision of them killing me, my body bloody

My inner core bare

My heart cut out

Perfectly. As if it were never there.

I yell, i shout

But ears are to no avail

I tried to escape.

I tried to be free.

All i managed to accomplish, was to fail.