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devilbat · 5 years ago

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New Partner

@mandywholock1980 requested #18 with Magnus and Smut

18, Now if only you could keep your hands to yourself."

Warning: pinning, angst, smut, angry smut, cursing

Detective!Magnus Martinsson x detective!Reader

"y/n," There was a long pause after your name was yelled. You looked over to see Magnus looking rather smug face when he heard your name. "Magnus, my office now." Kurt seethed from his office. You were smiling to yourself when Magnus expression dropped. You click your tongue as you stood up. No way in hell you were going down for this one. He was just as much at flat, if not more.

"Why the long face there, Mags. You didn't think I would be the one to get in trouble, did you." You hissed as you walked passed his desk when he came around it. You knew you were getting glared at. Or so you thought. Okay, maybe he was glaring... at your ass. "Ladies first.” You stepped to the side, allowing him to enter the office first. More glaring.

"Shut the door!" You bossed commanded. "Both of you sit down and shut up." Kurt was generally a calm-ish man. But today would not be the day to test him. "The incident last week left the department hurting. You two bloody Squabbling is going to end now. You two are now partners." Your eyes widened did he just put you with Magnus.

"But sir, she." Magnus tried to argue. His hands were running through tight blond curls.

"No buts. I don't care who's fault it was." Kurt yelled Stopping Magnus from finishing his statement. "You two are now partners until further notice. You two will also be on patrol for the next week. Look at this as a team-building exercise. New shifts start tonight. I suggest you both get some sleep. You two are dismissed." Your boss never giving either of you time to argue a way out of this.

That was how your day started. Neither you or Magnus spoke after leaving Kurt's office. You only picked up your things and went back home. In an attempt to get some kind of sleep. Before having to deal with a new "partner." You weren't sure if Magnus would survive the week. Either he would quite, or you would kill him one of the two though you may prefer the latter option.

Once you made it back to the precinct earlier than suggested, you made sure to grab the keys to the only available squad car at the time. An old beat-up undercover, Tan in color. You didn't mind it. It had character. Also, knowing Magnus, he would hate it and the fact you would be driving. Oh, the simple joys in life. Kurt waited for the two of you before he left for the night. Magnus slowly made his way in looking like he just woke up, grumbling under his breath.

"All right, you two behave. And I'll see you in the morning." Kurt Walked away, turn back before he did eyes locked with Magnus. "Try and keep your hands to yourself." This made both of you confuse, but you brushed it off like it was nothing.

Letting Magnus think he was going to get a set of keys. Following him to the car depot under the building. A smirk was playing on your face as he went to look for keys. He cursed under his breath while you dangled the keys behind him. Turning on his heels, he stared you down.

"You're cute if you think your driving." You hummed, walking away from him.

"Then I'm about to be damn hot in a minute," Magnus mumbled, staking towards you. His long strides made it easier for him to catch up.

"Try it, Just remember I am armed and not at all afraid of shooting you in the dick." You Warned, hitting the unlock on the key fob, turning to face him before opening the door. A sly smirk was pulling at your lips before you slide in.

"You know we are going to have to work together." Magnus hissed as he got in the passenger side. You only shrugged starting the Engine.

"Yeah, and you would have done the same if I asked to drive. So don't sit there and pretend. You may have everyone fooled, but the sweet innocent act doesn't work on me, Mags." You announced clicking your tongue in annoyance. This was going to be a long night.

Five hours in and two arguments about where to pick up food. You were off the side of an old country highway. You were trying to keep yourself entertained while waiting for something anything to get you to move from this spot. Even if it were someone speeding, you would take it. Hell to talk to anyone. You were looking over to Magnus, who seemed to be asleep. Oh yeah, maybe murder would keep you occupied. But instead, you chose the lesser of two evils and laid on the car horn. Making the man jump and causing you to giggle maniacally.

"What the hell!" Magnus growled, glaring daggers at you.

"What I saw a skunk." You shrugged, rolling your eyes. "Not my fault you didn't get any sleep. If I have to be awake, then for the love of fucking god, you can fucking be awake too. So don't give me th-." You were cute off by Magnus's lips pressed roughly against yours. Catching you off guard before pushing away. "What the hell was that for."

"For you to shut up. You can't keep those red lips of yours closed." Magnus groaned in annoyance but had a smug smile plastered to his now red-tinted lips.

"Fuck you." You seethed wanting nothing more than to smack him in that overly handsome smug face of his. But instead, you found yourself turning to the side, your hands fisted into his shirt, pulling him back to your lips, angrily biting at his bottom lip. His kisses were just as heated as yours were. Years of tension, frustration in each desperate kiss. Before you knew it, Magnus had helped you onto his lap. His hands were gripping your shirt, ripping it open, making buttons fly everywhere. Which you returned the favor and ripped open his shirt. Your hands were clawing at warm-toned skin, leaving angry scratches along pale flesh. His own hands moved to paw at your covered breasts. Pulling them out from their cups. His thumb was rubbing along your soft nipples, bringing them to life.

Moaning out, you started grinding against the large bulge in his pants. Wasting no time, you fumbled with the button of his jeans then zipper before pulling his rather impressive length out from his confinement. Magnus managed to get your jeans past your thighs. Only for him to rip your panties off your body.

"Hey, I still need those." You gasped out, trying to sound pissed but failed as soon as he pushes you down on to his hard pulsating cock. You were gasping, giving you no time to adjust to his huge cock while he thrust deep into your welcoming core.

"Looks like you don't." Magnus hissed as your wall tighten around his cock. You were unbelievably tight. Throwing your ripped panties in the backseat. His hand fisted into your hair, pulling hard. His mouth was working its way down your neck nipping, sucking, marking you along the way. Before he latched around your pink hardened nipple. Biting just right before he moved to the next one. You throw your head back loud, moan leaving your lips.

His free hand was digging into your hip hard enough to bruise while he thrusts harder into you. Ever pent-up frustration toward you in each hard thrust. He was hitting every hidden spot deep within you. Had you mewling for more, rolling your hip in time with his harsh thrust. His name leaving you parted lips more than once. Your hand pulled at his curls while the other pressed against the window. You were close, and he could tell your walls squeezed desperately around his length.

"You've wanted this, haven't you? You've wanted my cock rutting into you. Fucking you hard. You’re close y/n." Magnus hissed both hands, grabbing either side of your hips, bouncing you up and down his cock harder.

"Keep talking, Magnus, and I will give you fucking blue balls." You snapped as you came around his cock hard, your walls squeezing around him. You were milking him until he followed finding his release. Your forehead rested against his. Both of you were panting heavily. His lips were finding your swollen ones this time, gently kissing you. You stayed there for a while longer with his cock still resting deep within your walls before you pull off him. You were sliding over to the driver's side, wrangling your pants back on. Magnus tucked himself back into his jeans. Neither one of you speaking for a long while.

"So I guess this puts a whole new meaning on a team-building exercise," Magnus said a bit too smugly being the one to break the Silence. You sighed heavily, shaking your head.

"We wouldn't need team-building if you were not such an ass." Rolling your eyes as you reached into the backseat grabbing Magnus zip-up hoodie he had thrown in the back earlier that night. Your shirt pretty much was ruined.

“I’m not the only one that can be an ass, you know.” He snarked. “Though you have a very nice one, at least.” Patting your ass as you fished out his hoodie that was stuck. Glaring at him when you sat back. “Hey, I’ll need that.” Pointing at his hoodie, you were currently zipping up over your bra.

“Yeah, and I needed my panties.” You shrugged the feeling of him still inside you was quit arousing when you were squirming in your seat. “You owe me a new pair of panties. And coffee.”

Making it back to the precinct early to put in your notes for the night. You had checked the car for your underwear but couldn’t find them. God you hoped no one would find them. Borge returning, the rest of your night was quite well, maybe not. It was mostly filled with your moans and screams, as well as Magnus's grunts and groans as he took you two other times throughout the night. To say you were tired and sore was an understatement. Let along dripping with both yours and Magnus arousal. You needed a shower and new clothes. To tell you didn’t enjoy your night would be a lie. You had never been fucked like that let along with angry hate sex before.

Showered and rested, you were back for your next shift. Magnus comes in right as you did that damn smirk on his face. His hand brushing against your ass as he walked over to his desk. You were about to say something when Kurt came out of his office, looking at the two of you.

“I see the two of you didn’t kill each other. So how was your night?” Kurt asked with a raised eyebrow.

“I want a new partner.” You retarded, crossing your arms over your chest.

“Minus her bitching, it was a quiet night.” Magnus snipped. His arms were mimicking yours.

“Really? Well, we found these in the front seat of the squad car.” Kurt stayed handing you two types of buttons and a small amount of white lace fabric. Before walking away. Your eyes widened. The heat grew over your face in embarrassment. You looked over to see that fucking smug face and Magnus’s arms behind his head. You huffed staking off.

“So, partner have any new ideas for our team-building exercises tonight?” Magnus hummed as he got into the car.

“Fuck you, Magnus.” You hissed pulling the car out.

“Well, if that’s your plan, then maybe we should try the backseat might be more comfortable for you,” Magnus smirked, looking towards the back of the car.

“We are not having fucking again if that’s what you think is going to happen tonight. And I thought you cleaned out the car?” You parked alongside the highway again.

“I did.” Magnus shrugged.

“So you planted just enough Evidence so everybody would think that you fucked me? Wow, Real mature!” You snapped

“Well, I did fuck you, but No, I wouldn’t go that low. Besides, I have the rest of them right here.” Magnus pulled out the rest of your tattered panties spinning them around his finger.

“Damn it, give me those.” You reached over, trying to snag your panties from his hand only for him moved them out of reach. Making you move forward determined to get them back.

“Now, if only you could keep your hands to yourself." Magnus chuckle more like groaned when your hand rest between his muscular thighs your waist rubbing against his now awakening cock. “Though I do say I don’t mind the view right now.” the side of your breast pressed against his face. His free hand was rubbing just under your ass, causing enough friction to your core to make you gasp in pleasure. “Keep going for those panties love. I don’t mind.”

Permanent tags: @kitkatkl @lokilvrr @instantnoodlese @drakesfiance @meyoko10 @miraclesoflove @madleiine, @teageowen @scorpionchild81 @redlipsinkorea @mintzxi @it-jinxed-us @heylals

Tom/Loki Tag's: @theoneanna @graveyard-groupie @silverquartx @moonfaery @kcd15 @moonlightprime @youveseen--thebutcher @shockwavee @sabine-leo @screw-real-life-i-pick-fandoms @vethrvolnir, @darkprincessloki92 @archy3001 @chaoticwithpurpose @paanchu786, @metalheadspider @myownviperroom @arosewithdaisies @jilldsumner @daughterofsunandmoon93 @too-cold-for-youhere @iamverity @sterwild @hiddlefan81 @matczvkv @desimarie12 @loser-alert @cest-le-temps-de-lamour @lucantis @sherlokiholland @kryptonite2116 @justthatfangirloverthere @littleredstarfish @amore-p-siche

#magnus martinsson x reader #tom hiddleston #magnus martinsson #detective #au

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crazedlunatic · 5 years ago

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Graduation Surprises

“You know, you didn’t have to get me a graduation gift… it’s just something else we’ll have to move to New York City in a couple of days.”

“Who says I got you anything?” Eric asked at nearly 10:00 at night on the night Alec graduated from CCAD.

They were sitting in Alec’s apartment late Saturday night and eating their favorite Chinese food from the best restaurant in Columbus— they’d yet to find one that compared to it in Toledo. Getting Chinese had kind of been their thing since their first date, though, so that was more than okay with him.

“Mhmm.” Alec rolled his eyes, taking a bite if his General Tso’s chicken. “I saw a bag that looked pretty full. You know, I told you I didn’t need anything… I don’t know why Dad got me that stupid Mac computer. I hate Macs.”

“Because he’s excited for you just like I am!”

“I graduated from CCAD with a degree in fashion.”

“So? You got into Parsons and that is a huge accomplishment.”

“Coming from the guy who finished medical school at Toledo and who has a job offer at Mount Sinai.”

“Which I probably only got because of my last name.”

“You didn’t get your grades because of your last name.” Alec gave him a pointed look.

“Eh.” Eric shrugged and then gave a sweet smile. “Anyway, why don’t you hurry up and finish eating so I can give you the presents you’ll get mad at me for buying you… but I wanted to, so you’ll have to suck it up.”

“Thank you for coming to my graduation. I know you were up late after yours last night because your mother never lets you leave until she’s half asleep.” Alec smiled back at him.

“Yeah. Think she’ll get better when we get to New York?” Eric laughed.

“No because you’ll be as far away as you can get with still being in the country. I think she hates me.”

“I think she is holding onto hope that I will come to my senses and find a good woman… or at least a guy ‘my age.’”

Alec rolled his eyes. “If she doesn’t accept you’re gay by now, there really isn’t any hope.”

“Don’t worry about her. I don’t care what she says or thinks. I love you and you love me. That’s all that matters.”

“I know. It’s just annoying.” Alec said, putting the lid back on his to go container and taking his leftovers to the fridge.

“Present time!” Eric, who had already finished his whole meal, hopped up and threw his container away.

“You know you don’t come to New York City with me, right?”

“You followed me to Ohio and didn’t even get to live in the same city as me, Alec… and I know I don’t have to. I want to.”

Alec beamed and went to sit on the couch.

“So, uhm… yeah, I may have went a tad bit overboard but I also kind of sucked on your birthday because I was so busy, so I’m half making up for that.”

Alec gave him a weird look as Eric sat the bag that he’d mentioned before on the couch between them. He then pulled out a small box and handed it over.

Alec opened it, seeing a nice leather watch.

“Kind of themed, to, and this one is so you can still be late but not have a valid excuse.” Eric grinned.

Alec rolled his eyes and set it down since Eric had handed him a smaller bag. When he opened it, it was a Chemex coffee maker.

“To make the coffee you’ll end up pouring out so you can get a new one with Kurt l before you guys actually make it into class.” Eric was still grinning, handing out another box.

“Eric, you spent too much.”

Eric shrugged and sat it on his lap. “Nice dress shoes so you can ruin them by wearing them every day.”

“If you keep making me roll my eyes, they’re going to get stuck in the back of my head… Oh God. I just sounded like Mom.” Alec covered his face.

“Two more.” Eric chirped.

“Eric!” Alec looked at him.

“Shut up and open them so we can have sex.” Eric whined. “Come on now. Do you think I just bought this because I like you or something?”

“I hate you!” Alec laughed. “They’re really nice shoes, though.”

Alec unwrapped the smallest of the two that Eric had set between them.

“A Nook so you can at least catch up on your LGBT novels this summer before the real work begins. Your mom actually loaded some money onto your account for books.”

“Aww.” Alec smiled. He remembered saying he’d wished he had time to read several weeks ago when they were in the craziness preparing for the senior fashion show. “This is sweet.”

“And this… which, don’t freak out because your mom and dad contributed to this as well… apparently they thought I was spending too much money or something.” Eric shrugged, holding out a very nice messenger bag.

“Oh wow… What made them think that?” Alec asked sarcastically, taking the bag and looking it over.

“Like I said… I kind of slacked off on your birthday so I wanted to give you more for that, too. And you worked your ass off! Second highest graduate. That’s awesome. You didn’t even know if you wanted to go to college at all and here you go just killing it.” Eric smiled at him. “I’m really proud of you… and I’m also really excited to get to live with you. Like, not summers and school breaks. To get to sleep next to you and wake next to you every day.”

“It was too much.” Alec shook his head. “But really sweet. You and your themed date ideas and gifts…”

“You think it’s corny but you actually really love it.” Eric’s smile grew. “Can we go have sex now? Mostly joking but also… mostly not joking? It’s been three weeks oh my God.”

“Thank God. I was hoping you would want to before dinner but your stomach was growling and—” Alec’s statement was cut off when Eric hungrily kissed him.

Alec pulled back a minute later, panting.

“Bed?” Eric asked.

“Bed.”

#alec/eric #wbuct drabble #wbuct drabbles

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migleefulmoments · 6 years ago

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@ajw720...I wrote a thing

Oh you misguided little CCer. Yes, let’s talk about the video from 10/30/15.

(scroll down to watch the video.)

Ajw says: “Let’s Talk About that Video from October 30, 2015 shall we? I am really glad I was reminded of this this AM as it truly highlights how much he LOVES Chris. But it is also an excellent comparison to the manner in which he talks about his girlfriend of 10,572 years”.

The video doesn’t highlight how much Darren LOVES Chris Colfer. It is a few random comments- stories he has told over and over and over again because Chris hates being talked about and these stories are already been told so they are safe fodder. You read too much into things and ignore what they are actually saying.

“In this segment of 4 minute and 10 seconds (prior to the song) Darren mentions the word(s) Chris or Chris Colfer a total of 8 times (I think the end is quick) as he recounts for what I believe is the 4thtime in a span of about 10 months the story of their first date. A night he remembers in detail. (funny, I have never once heard him talk about his first date with M as the fact remains, no one even knows when they actually started dating and the recent push is that it may have been even before he went to Italy, yet again changing the timeline)”

He won’t share his first date with Mia for several reasons- 1. it’s private and why should he 2. it was a first date, probably not that exciting 3. when would that come up in an interview? People care about the first time two costar spent time together. They don’t care about when Darren met his fiancée.. . and again It’s private. Why the hell would he share that with us? Nobody SHOULD know the story or the date. That isn’t our business.

People wanted to hear about Glee especially as it was ending. They were coworkers in a job that was very significant to Darren’s current status as an entertainer making the story interesting to the audience Repeating Chris’s name or saying his entire name is inconsequential to anything...it certainly doesn’t mean love.

“And remember, this show was 10 months after the last time he “publicly” saw one Mr. Chris Colfer. A man he allegedly hates and only “kind of sort of hangs out with.” (sorry Chris but that quote is going to remain one of my favorites)”

The “Man date” story is safe ground to cover because it has been told over and over and over. Darren likes to deflect from how own talent and talk about other people. He likes to set the stage for how generous Chris was when meeting Darren-a nobody- who was a nobody walking on to the set of a huge show.

“Interesting. Let’s see. I believe, and correct me if I am wrong, I have heard him utter his lovely lady of many, many moons name publicly 3 times. The first time was in a radio interview right before Elsie 2015 which coincidentally aired about 3 or 4 days after the Alan Cumming version of mandate aired. The 2nd on her Birthday during a live stream with Paul from Broadway.com. And the 3rd on his snapchat during Cats when he said she was taking over his phone as his battery had died. This is the grand total over the 10,572 years they have been dating. (But willing to bet we hear it again soon after they read this).”

You missed “My Darling MIa....” and also the time he posted in Insta that he is getting married to MIa and that he and Mia opened a bar baby.

“What did Darren have to say about Chris in 4 minutes and 10 seconds:

The date he started filming he put together that “he would be linked to Chris Colfer’s character.”

“I went to Chris” (and asked him to go see Sutton as his friend “dropped out”) and when he described how his man agreed to go, Darren said “Oh Thank you, I was so touched he wanted to come along.”

We went to see Sutton Foster, me and Chris Colfer.

Darren next describes how he realized, on day 1, when he didn’t even know what would happen between Kurt and Blaine, that if the story took off “Chris and I will never ever go out in public together ever again” so Darren “needed to embrace the opportunity.” It is AMAZING how Darren was able to foretell that. I mean at the time he was only signed for a limited number of episodes. There was no actual plan for Kurt and Blaine to date. But Darren, being the fortune teller he was, knew he had to take this opportunity to take Chris on a date as he knew they would never be able to go out in public again.

“I love telling that story about Chris because I like telling how generous he is even though he was years younger than me. He was a big TV star, he like won a Golden Globe and I’m this new guy.” Ok, so Darren actually does get one fact wrong, but I think its because he is so in awe of Chris’ accomplishments that he forgets that Chris did not in fact have a Golden Globe when they met. That happened a few months later.

“Very cool, I have nothing but good things to say about Chris Colfer.”

Darren messed up, claiming that Chris had a Golden Globe when they met because time had gone by and it didn’t matter that much to him- simple error. Time has a way of doing that.

He claims he knew he couldn’t hang out with Chris if their characters dated- that isn't something he knew at the time but something that makes the story juicer. It gives context to the fact that they don’t hang out at all because the fans made it hard. It’s just amping up the story.

“And then, when Seth next asks him about singing live with Chris, he says (the beginning is quick so perhaps not 100% accurate) “Me and Chris, well Chris hates, hates when you talk about him. He hates singing live, he hates it, he hates singing live. Doesn’t like it.” That is a lot of knowledge about Chris Colfer that Darren has considering, again, he had not even seen the man in months and that are not even friends.”

I don’t know Chris Colfer and I Know that he hates singing live and that he hates when people talk about him. He has said so many times. You see, while YOU are paying attention to matching details in photos like they both wore plaid suits in 2018 and explaining TrueLoveAlways because they both like Harry Potter and Star Wars...I am listening to what these actually people say-using words- and I respect what they say because that is what grown ups do.

“Let’s see what has he said about his girl over the entire course of their relationship as opposed to in 4 minutes 10 seconds:

“She’s a big girl, she can take care of herself.”

Darren would NEVER criticize fans in a goofy radio interview or a short fun entertainment setting. He knows his audience and he knows when the time and place is appropriate to talk about horrible fans who attack his fiancée.

“She is a very lovely lady I have been with for many, many moons.”

It’s private and I am not going to give you specifics about my private life.

“My partner in crime.”

he is endearingly calling the person who he lives his life with his “partner in crime”. He is making the analogy that his “life” is the “crime” here. I don’t know why you can’t understand this simple thing. It is mind boggling that you won’t let this go as if it means something devious.

“I’m a ball and chain kind of guy.”

Again he is defecting from speaking about his private life with a reporter. He’s calling himself the ball and chain... aka he’s a one woman man, old morning couple, you don’t care about us, move on to next question.

“She works at Fox” stated almost one year after she left their employ. Yes, they have tried to fix that and have since allowed her on set to fetch coffee and snap about 3 times since Darren made this statement, but she was not employed by Fox when this was stated, as proven by her own LinkedIn account and her going away party many months prior”.

Literally you are going with “proven by her own LinkedIn account” who updates their LinkedIn? We have no idea what special projects she was doing for Fox. What this really means is ajw wasn’t privy to the private life of Mia Swier. Boohooo. Newsflash: You can’t find everything on the inter webs. The fact is-I know that Darren was there and there was NO reason for him to be there so if he says he was there because Mia was working for Fox then I have no reason to doubt that.

Has mentioned her wearing heels on multiple occasions. Ummm…..no, barely ever Darren.

Seriously? OMG the heels comment was a fucking ad. How stupid can you be- Darren didn’t write that. THAT was a literally written by either the magazine or Darren’s PR team. She wears heels every time she goes to a red carpet event. Just because the photo doesn’t show her feet doesn't mean she doesn’t have feet....or heels on. You get that right?

Has stated how he has asked her not to share things on social media. Which she does all the time.

No, she doesn’t put anything on social media anymore. A few pics get posted with her in them...there is NOTHING in those photos that are private. Being in public places and at public events and posting a picture isn’t private life. I know you want it to be so you can bitch but you sound unhinged when you do. The truth is we don't know if Darren asked her to post or not to post. we have one story about one photo from Becca’s horrible podcast. Darren would NEVER share an actual private moment with us. Mia’s IG is private-I know that PISSES you off so much. She rarely posts to Snapchat when they are going out to an event. Clearly Darren is in the picture and knows she is posting.

I mean, I could go on and on and on. There have been many quotes, most of which have not been very kind. None of which have ever been loving. None of which have ever been gushing. None of which has made him revert back to the High School Darren talking about the person he has an enormous crush on. And none of which have been said while so much love is emoting from his entire persona.

I am sure you could go on forever and ever. but none of it is important or factual or shocking. At the end of the day and your latest rant, the only thing that matters is that they are living their lives without you and you don’t matter to them. They are engaged and I know this because Darren Told us he was and his behavior has been consistent with a man who is about to get married. Shall we review: they had a bachelorette weekend and a wedding shower that Darren attended. He has talked about planning a wedding many times. Lea acts like he is engaged. Three is nothing to suggest that he is lying.

So you tell me. What is the truth here? I think we all know

Yes we all know the truth: you are a conspiracy theorist who looks for patterns and makes up a ton of shit to fit your trope with no regard to how much you make Darren sound like a complete douche.

youtube

#CC #CCer #CC famlly #cc blog #ajw rantings #liva las vegas #cc fandom #crisscolfer #darren criss #Chris Colfer

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kurtbastian-land · 7 years ago

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Snow

Pairing(s): Kurtbastian (purely Kurtbastian too! Y'all can rejoice at that fact XD)

Summary: In South Korea, there was a saying that if you are out in the first falling snow of the year, and with someone you like, then true love will blossom between you. So what are the odds that Kurt shared his first snowfall of the year with a certain Sebastian Smythe?

Warning(s): N/A

Author’s note: For the sake of this little fic, let’s just pretend that in the first 7 years of Kurt’s life, Kurt was raised somewhere where it doesn’t snow at all. But he did eventually end up in Lima, Ohio (where according to my brief research, it snows. I’m not very familiar with USA’s geography or snow in general). Google translate was also my best friend for the few French words in this fic :’)

A little 8-year-old Kurt stared at the little snowflakes that slowly fell from the sky. It wasn’t that amazing compared to what and how snow is in other countries, where snow was abundant. But little Kurt has never seen a single snowflake in his entire life so it was pretty amazing for him regardless.

While this little Ohio boy was “ooo-ing and ahh-ing” at the sight, a 7-year-old Parisian boy was staring out of his hotel window, with a slightly bored expression. Now, this little 7-year-old has seen in all. Snowstorms, blizzards, light snow, not so light snow. It’s gonna take more than a few snowflakes here and there to impress him. Having traveled around a lot sometimes does that to a child.

“Mummy! Can we please go to the park? I wanna touch the falling snow!” Kurt pleaded as he turned away from the hotel window, “do you think there’ll be enough for me to make a snow angel?”

Smiling at her son, Elizabeth opened her arms wide which Kurt immediately ran into. “I don’t think there’s enough snow for you to do that just yet. It’s only the first snowfall. But we can still go to the park to play.”

She patted him lightly on the butt, getting him to get his coat and boots before the mother and son could leave to brave the cold winds.

“But I don’t want to play outside maman!” Sebastian whined at the request his mother just made, “it’s cold and I’m going to get sick and die. Do you want me to die maman?”

Christelle rolled her eyes fondly at her tad overdramatic son. “It’s the first snow chère enfant. Very romantique.” She picked up her only son who was clearly against the action, judging the slight struggle he put up.

Sebastian reminded, deadpan - a look he managed to pick up from his dad, “maman, I’m seven. I don’t need romantic.”

His mother seems to not share the same sentiment, simply let out tsk before putting her son down to find his coat and boots that suited the weather.

—

Kurt grabbed his mother’s hand tightly, shivering slightly in the cold wind as he walked towards the park that was within walking distance of the hotel his family was staying. Despite anything, he couldn’t help but stretch out his free hand to catch the very snowflake he was admiring indoors. He watched as the snowflake immediately melted onto the ground.

Further down into the distance, Sebastian and his mother walked towards the same park but this time, it was Christelle who was grabbing Sebastian’s hand tightly. He has the tendency to run off just to watch his ever so poise mother, run after him.

“Chèri, regarde ce garçon,” Christelle pointed out, hoping it would liven up Sebastian a little, “he looks like he’s your age. Why don’t you play with him while we’re here?”

“Oh look, he’s looking at you,” Christelle cooed when she noticed a pair of blue eyes staring at their direction, hiding behind his mother, waving shyly at them.

Tugging his mother’s arm lightly, Kurt tiptoed slightly, urging his mother to bend down.

“Mummy, look! I see a boy with his own mummy. Do you think he’ll play with me?” Kurt asked nervously as he glanced back at the strangers.

Catching them staring at him, Kurt let out a surprised yelp before hiding behind Elizabeth. He peeked at the strangers once more, deciding to wave at them a little.

Elizabeth felt her heart break a little, knowing where the worries her son has, stemmed from. Being only 8, Kurt Hummel has already been a victim of teasing and being a social outcast, for liking to play with dolls and houses, tea parties and dress up. Things that the kids at school labeled as “girly stuff”. She doesn’t blame those kids for those kinds of labels and stereotypes. It has to come from somewhere (coughparentscough) and children are terribly impressionable at that age. But it doesn’t hurt any less for that being the reason his son always ends up playing alone.

Gently encouraging her son to stop hiding behind her, she bends down, looking at Kurt, directly into his eyes. She smiled softly at her son who was staring back, eyes slightly downcast at thought of being rejected once again.

“Hey there bud,” Elizabeth started, rearranging Kurt’s hair slightly, “you don’t have to worry about a thing. Remember what mummy always say whenever someone doesn’t want to play with you?”

Kurt fiddled with his fingers slightly, “tell them it’s okay because not everyone likes the same thing.”

“And?” Elizabeth promoted with a smile on her face.

“And that it’s not my fault you don’t understand my fa-bu-less-ness,” Kurt repeated from memory.

Laughing at what her son said, she stood up once more, grabbing Kurt’s hand, swinging it as they continued walking towards the park and the strangers whose attention they seem to catch.

“Don’t worry Kurt, I’m sure that boy would love to play with you.”

And Elizabeth was right, the two boys hit off almost immediately, although they started off a little rough. After a brief introduction between Elizabeth and Christelle, the moms allowed their sons to introduce each other.

Sebastian stared at the boy in front of him, who was staring back. Both looking up and down, as though they were trying to see if the other was worth playing with. So, Sebastian started off first.

"That coat is ugly on you,” Sebastian stated, as a matter of fact, ignoring the sharp hissed of his name that came from his mother.

“Sebastian Smythe! Manières!”

Kurt turned to his mother, eyes already filled with tears at what the latter said. They didn’t even say hello to each other and the other kid hates him. Elizabeth nodded encouragingly, mouthing to Kurt “remember what I said.”

Sniffling slightly, Kurt focused his attention on the boy who was still staring at him, arms folded.

“Th-that’s okay,” Kurt gulped, “because not everyone likes the same thing.”

“And… it’s not my fault you don’t understand my fa-bu-less-ness.” Kurt sneaked a look at the boy’s mother who seemed to be holding back a laugh at what he just said.

Feeling slightly bolder, Kurt decided to continue, “maybe if you play with me, you can be fa-bu-less too.”

Sticking out his hand, Kurt offered his hand for Sebastian to take, “my name is Kurt. You can go on the swing first and I’ll push?”

Sebastian stared at the outstretched hand suspiciously before giving in with a sigh and grabbed it. “I’m Sebastian Smythe. And I like the see-saw better.”

Kurt broke into a grin and immediately raced towards the see-saw, dragging poor Sebastian behind. Well, not so poor seeing how Sebastian was smiling along with his new friend.

Watching their sons play, Elizabeth and Christelle walked towards a nearby bench to continue to keep an eye on their boys in comfort.

“First snow?” Elizabeth smiled knowingly.

“Oui,” Christelle softly murmured, as she watched Sebastian’s smile got wider the longer the two boys were playing. “First snow.”

“Don’t ask me why or how, but I had a feeling you’d be here Hummel,” a voice stated from behind him.

Kurt blinked in surprise, caught off-guard by the sudden presence. He was kinda more than counting on the park being empty at this timing, especially when it’s a school day tomorrow. But it was the first snow day in Ohio and he couldn’t resist leaving the comforts of his home to experience the firsts of many snowflakes that would eventually fall over the days.

Couldn’t help but retort, Kurt raised an eyebrow at that statement. “I don’t have to ask to know why Sebastian.”

“Although, after what happened these past few months, I can’t say the reason would be the same.”

Sebastian wrapped his arms around himself, burying his face into his scarf for a moment.

—

“Kurt! I’m sorry sweetheart but it’s time to head back to the hotel,” Elizabeth apologetically called out, hating to put a halt on her son’s fun with a new friend.

Immediately Sebastian and Kurt stopped their chasing to look at Elizabeth, giving their best puppy dog face the 7-year-old and 8-year-old could muster.

“Now, come on chère enfant. It’s getting late. You would not be able to see in the dark,” Christelle added as she stood up to get her son back.

Panicking at the thought of going home without his new friend, Sebastian immediately wrapped his arms around Kurt’s waist, tightly.

If maman wants to take me, she’ll have to take Kurt too.

Staring at Sebastian in surprise, Kurt turned to look at his mother, beaming in her direction. He never had friends who would hug him or want to stay longer to play. Kurt shyly returned the act, wrapping his arms around the latter’s arms. Elizabeth watched the two boys in amusement, eyes slightly twinkling at the sight.

“Alright, Sebastian. What if I promise to bring Kurt to the park again tomorrow so that both of you can play again? Would you let go of my son then?” Elizabeth bargained, holding out her pinky finger.

“I’m sure Kurt’s maman would bring him back to the next first snow next year when they come back to France,” Christelle added, thinking that she should let Sebastian know that his new friend isn’t native to the land.

Sebastian narrowed his eyes at the offer, turning to look at Kurt although moving his head slightly backward in surprise at the closeness of the latter’s face.

“Tomorrow?”

Without any hesitation, Kurt nodded furiously, grinning at the latter in reassurance.

“Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow?” Sebastian asked again, “and first snow when you come back from where you’re from?”

Squeezing Sebastian into a hug, Kurt repeated his promise, “tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.”

Pecking his new friend on the cheek, (because that’s what French people do), as though sealing a promise.

“and for every first snow.”

It’s the first snow was all Sebastian said as he took a seat next to Kurt, whom barely argued against the action. And the two silently watched, in the cold, as snowflakes slowly cascaded down to the ground, barely leaving a mark.

#hummelholidays #prompt #dec 4: snow #kurt hummel #Sebastian smythe #kurtbastian #kid!kurtbastian is involved #kurtbastian fic #my fic

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kurtty-drabbles · 7 years ago

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Raised in Hell part III

@djinmer4 @niuniente

"The will of my father is my will" this statement is the motto of Kurt´s life, Xaganaus is not a name fitting for the earthly realm, so Kurt will do. The motto is often spoken like a pray, to give Kurt´s strength to complete whatever task his father wants.

His new mission is a bit complex than the previous one and he´ll need all the cunning to achieve such task, however, Kurt have time and in his spare time, there´s one thing Kurt loves to do (more than drinking beer) is killing Nazis.

Kurt was born in Germany, speak the language perfectly and often likes to visit the place where he was at birth, however, there´s one thing that irks the demon more than a bad beer, someone daring to compare him with a Nazi or saying he must like Nazis. To Kurt, anyone that is even remotely friendly with a Nazi deserves to be murder in cold blood.

Hence why Kurt completely destroy a Hydra operation and kill one of the generals without remorse and any of the Hydra´s agents. It was supposed to be a solo mission, Kurt is more than able to destroy all of them with his red blade and his demonic presence(some of the agents piss themselves and Kurt is very much pleased) are enough, yet, a petite woman, with chestnut and curly hair, brown eyes and an outfit that scream the 80´s.

This woman phase through the walls and defeat all the remains agents of Hydra easily, bullets couldn´t hurt her, oh, but she can hurt them. Once all the Hydra trash is taken care of, golden eyes meet the brown eyes and Kurt wonders what is the best course action.

"Hi," the woman said uncertain, normally this demonic appearance is enough to make her run for her life, however, someone that cut in half Hydra´s agent can´t be that bad.

"Hi, do you always came here?" Kurt asked joking and charmingly with his blade put away.

" Here? to killing Nazis? No, is actually my first time" Kitty match his sassy.

" Not bad for the first time, miss?" Kurt replied and wonders if this is the right way to approach this young woman.

"My name is Kitty Pryde and you?" Oh, dangerous question and needs a good answer.

"Kurt, my name is Kurt, are you a mutant?" he asked already knowing the answer.

"Yes, and are you too?" she asked happily to meet another mutant.

"Yes" it is a lie but revealing his true nature and heritage will be unpleasant "A mutant from Germany who hates Nazis" this makes the girl smile and Kurt, approaching the girl a little is feasible the start of Davi. "And I´m here on a mission for my father...he´s arrested and I´m his last hope"

This line did win Kitty´s sympathy and Kurt keeps the face of a dutiful son.

"I´m sorry, this world is harsh for us," Kitty said.

"It is, do you know the X-men?" Kurt asked after a few respectful silence making the girl trusting him more, again if you kill Nazis you already are more trustworthy.

"Oh, the X-men" Kitty said now more guard " I heard of them, do you want to talk with them? The X-men are busy most of the time"

" Oh, I want to know more about them...but thanks to my looks I don´t think I´ll be accepted, people fear me...I think I´m alone in this world, maybe, I should leave" Kurt said interpreting the poor son perfectly.

Kitty bites her lips, maybe in another situation him leaving would be the right decision, however, he killed Nazis...Kitty can´t just ignore this.

"Hey, Look, Kurt, maybe I can help you," she said bitting her lips thinking over the situation.

Kurt looks at her with awe and gratitude.

" You want to help me?" he said meekly

"Yes, we mutants should help each other," she said smiling brightly knowing this is the right decision.

"Thank you, Katzchen," he said pleased. Then explained to her that Katzchen means Kitten.

"Oh, you welcome, Elf" she replied nicely, then she has to explain the elf concept to him, Kurt bites his tongue to not have to explain he meet real elves and they are scared of him, still, is a nice nickname, silly but nice.

#kurtty #raised by azazel au #kurt wagner #kitty pryde #nightcrawler #kurt knows what he is doing #I don´t #kitty is #naive #or maybe the fact he killed nazis help #is kitty an x men?#not sure #lockheed will show up later

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grizzlefur · 7 years ago

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WWEm - More Like PerestroiKO

Broadcast date: Monday 11/Tuesday 12 September 2017

Brought to you by the function 3x+6 and the cuneiform logogram DIĜIR, this is MONDAY AFTERNOON RAW!

(should have done this earlier, fell asleep, so sue me)

and we're starting with a moment of silence

christ, yeah, it's the 9/11 episode

fun and jokes on my blog today

oh, and a sombre text crawl

great

someone breaks the silence with a woo, usa chants begin

i get the feeling i'm gonna be sighing at america a lot tonight

oh hey, and apparently brock's gonna be here tonight

woooo

and cena/strowman, which should be fun

but for now, here comes the opposite of fun

in the form of roman reigns

oh, and apparently he's fighting jason

good way to get jj over as a face, i guess

he enters, the crowd goes tepid

recap of cena/jordan from last week

that was a good match

and video of the less-good smacktalk session following that match

so now roman gets to put his money where his shit is

if roman loses this, i just want cena to turn up and laugh for ten minutes straight

oh hey, pan out to cena watching the match

preliminary scuffling, punctuated by roman perfecting his scorn laugh

and getting punched in his smug face

booker is getting very excited about roman

well, i guess someone has to

roman cocks his fist, goes for it, jj reverse into a crossface because seriously, fuck that face

pan out again to cena looking deeply dissatisfied

truly, a man of the people

that's what we all look like when roman's winning things

okay, i hate roman reigns and all the things he does, but even i have to admit that samoan drop counter was pretty sweet

but now we're back to jj suplexing him to the underworld, so all is good

corey claims jj is "driven by failure"

truly, the next great renewable energy source

booker magnanimously agrees to stop calling jason a rookie, despite the bit where he was nxt and smackdown tag champ

jason exposes his shoulders (his other fuel source), hits the rolling double northern lights for a nearfall

then crossface for a near finish

booker sarcastically calls jj "what [roman] calls a rookie"

you were calling him that THREE FUCKING MINUTES AGO, YOU COLOSSAL WANKSPONGE

roman bullfights jj really hard into the post, superman punch, goes oooooo, spear for the pin

pan out to cena looking begrudgingly impressed

tense faceoff

roman gives jj the handshake

that'll do, pig

pan out again, and now charly is there

asks cena for his thoughts, he's just like i'm gonna go out there and tell him myself

after this total bellas ad

he didn't say that last part, but i know he understands the value of his wife's brand

(wait, are they marrried yet?)

cena drops his towel on the stage, camera focuses on it for a weirdly long time

forgoes his run to the ring to do a thug strut instead

clearly the camera guy needs to work on their cardio

cena appreciates that

thoughtfully gets two mics before getting into the ring

throws roman one with a comment about his fashion sense

asks for his thoughts, suggests some helpful catchphrases so he doesn't have to talk too long

roman claims to have had more good matches in two years than cena has in his career

cena's just like dude, seriously, stop talking, you're burying yourself

calls him a one-man human centipede

keep it pg, john

cena challenges himself every day to try everything

take that as you will

cena gets up in roman's face about how he's shat the bed on every opportunity available

not inaccurate

roman calls him a bitch

devastating comeback

roman claims to be solely responsible for raw's ticket sales

paul heyman's like um

disparages cena's hollywood aspirations, offers to introduce him to a guy

cena's like at no mercy, consider me like a drug test, you ain't getting past me

crowd goes oooooooooooh

even roman smirks

and swagger off

next up, sasha banks does a thing

after this advert for lesnar/strowman

(and if their compound couple name isn't lensman, i'll punch something)

and another one for cute kids with cancer

(and the prevention of such things)

and now that's all done with, here's sasha

in an even nicer jacket than usual

fighting emma, who doesn't get an intro this time

siiiiiigh

i mean, i hate her new music, but still

oh, and alexa's materialised on announce

and inside the ring, emma has 100% stolen alexa's iron man gear

first the music, then the space cop gear

where will it end

oh hey, here comes nia

who gets her full intro despite being in street clothes and there being a fucking match in progress

cut to ads, and when we get back nia's got a seat on announce too

like oh hey guys don't mind me

oh, there's still a match happening

who knew

wow, this is tepid as fuck

like, i love all four of these, but they're still conspiring to make this segment so dull

and bank statement from nowhere for the tap

so yeah, that happened

still optimistic for the four-way, though

and not just because the fallout from that would be the perfect moment to debut asuka

but now, let's have an overdramatic recap package of braun/show coming out of their cage

(and feeling just fine)

(yeah, i stole that joke, but it's perfect, so fuck off)

apparently show got injured

so, yknow, swings and roundabouts

(and we all know i can get away with that because a) it's almost definitely a work, and b) it's the big show)

brock up next

greeeeeeat

after this advert for smackdown, now with 100% more mcmahonity

oh wait, shane got suspended

so i guess the number stays the same

just been shot with a mad science aging ray

anyway, yeah, brock is here

which is why i'm distracting myself with jokes about the mathematics of mcmahons

(mcmahoths?)

paul continues to get mad pops by saying his name and listing adjectives

paul's just like i'm meant to be here to sell you on no mercy, but it's already generated all the hype in the world

possibly untrue

confirmed: braun's announce table origami combo sounds a lot dumber when a middle-aged accountant type describes it without the aid of video replays

paul says braun will need to rip the championship from brock's hands if he wants it

paul throws in some ufc references, because apparently people still pop for that

paul calls braun out with some enormous histrionics

and here he comes

brock tries to go straight into suplexes, gets punched in his grinning idiot face

then lands one, braun just stands up like nope

and chokeslams him

this is the shit i do like

and then running powerslam

fuck you, mr lesnar

picks up the belt so he can contemplate it for a bit, then stands on brock so he can brandish it aloft

then sarcastically puts it down on brock's chest and pats it like you just take care of my belt for a couple weeks

and swaggers off while brock lies in the ring hugging his belt

apparently tonight, we have miztv with enzo

what did we do to deserve this

but up next, bray does a thing

after cole tells us about the hurricanes

the crowd stay as classy and respectful as they ever do in a serious moment

by which i do of course mean they woo like a bunch of owls on meth

and now here comes goldust

you're not bray

although it is nice to see him actually get a match rather than just sending in his videos

ah, here's bray

doing a sermon over the tron first

continuing his crusade against people who wear face paint

bray wyatt vs icp confirmed for mania 34

booker boldly theorises that bray may be more concerned with collecting his enemies' souls rather than championships

no shit, dude

did you miss the bit where he delivered a screaming promo while anointing himself with the ashen earth from the burnt grave of the devil's sister or something

bray wins in about two minutes, doesn't even need to do the spider walk

did give goldust a chance to show off that he can still do this shit, though

bray produces a handkerchief, proceeds to scrub the paint off goldust's face to the boos of the crowd

proclaims that HE'S JUST A MAAAAAN

no shit

that paint slides right off if he fights for more than a couple minutes

finn takes offence, rushes the ring and chases bray away

bray walks slowly backwards up the ramp while giving finn uncomfortable eye contact, end thing

but now, charly interviews sheamus and cesaro

and the camera guy works very hard trying to keep the three of them in frame together

it's not really possible

apparently they're gonna leave seth and dean with punctured lungs at no mercy

seems excessive

but yeah, they're fighting the good brothers next

after this advert for the myc final

(it was great, thanks for asking)

seth and dean are on announce

dean's brought binoculars and a notepad so he can scout the competition

cole's like um dude, you know we have monitors

dean teaches seth how to use binoculars

and now they're scoring gallows and anderson on their fashion sense

and then derail the kkb's entrance by shittalking them

and then getting in a fight

and anderson and gallows can't bear to leave a good fight unjoined, so run up the ramp to brawl

gallows punches sheamus so hard his kilt falls off

security pulls them all apart, announce team are like welp guess that's a no on the match

but now, have this tapout body spray advert, featuring john cena as a presumably attractive-smelling superhero

and now you get a recap video of the team brawls we just had

cut to kurt's office, seth and dean demand a match against FUCKING EVERYONE tonight

kurt says they can have it, as long as they find two partners to even the numbers

crowd knows where this is going, immedately begins the delete chants

dean promises to find some, even if they have to go to disneyworld and bring back mickey mouse and batman

kurt clarifies that their partners do in fact have to be real people

dean shrugs like w/e man i can't tell the difference i just did a whole bunch of speed and some moss i found growing under the storm drain outside my apartment well i say apartment it's a sheet of corrugated iron against a wall under a bridge well i say wall it's a bear i knifed in a fight over half a can of special brew well at least that's what mad harry who makes it calls it anyway i don't care let's fucking GOOOOOO

(possible paraphrase)

they leave kurt to be like hmm, i guess batman would be a great partner

oh hey, here's a promo clip for asuka

confirmed for raw

but then, we all knew that was coming

pan out to nia watching it like pah

alexa appears at her elbow to be like gawd all these randos turning up in our division and our matches the fuck is wrong with people

does a spot-on emma impression

calls nia her best friend, she's immediately like ummmmmm no

alexa claims all their troubles are just because she has trouble expressing her emotions

nia's like cool let's be friends oh btw i asked kurt for a match with you next week

walks off, slow zoom on alexa's face like WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT

up next, elias has a new song, after this ad for champions

i love how they're always like OMG DEBUTING A NEW SONG

has he ever reused material

well, here he is, still shedding names like a snake with some kind of dermatological disorder

crowd are weirdly supportive, then surprised when he badmouths their city

(which turns out to be anaheim)

have they ever watched his segments before

oh, and here's kalisto

one day, elias will finish a song

i have faith

cole refers to kalisto as a lucha libre

the man is his own style

i have but moments to appreciate the rusk-style elias world tour shirt he's got before he shreds it like the new regeneration of hulk hogan

wait a second, why isn't kalisto competing in the cruiserweight decision yet?

that'd be great

anyway, he gets stomped on and neckbroken for the pin

speaking of underappreciated former nxt tag champs

but up next, jaun strowna

after another ad for smackown

and here's john again

he's found his towel again

leaves it on the announce table, because it's one of the things they're auctioning

so fair enough

cena grimaces up the ramp a bit, rips his shirt off while waiting for braun to turn up

roars into the arena, fashionably late as ever

stands in the ring pawing at the ground for a bit

wait, are we meant to be getting bullfight vibes from this?

is cena going to start sticking spears into braun's shoulders to slow him down

pan out to roman watching the match, holding a towel for some reason

braun's getting like 90% of the offense in this, and it's great

frankly, any time braun strowman dropkicks soemone, i am entirely on board with it

the crowd agree

i think they're trying to get braun heel heat here, not sure anyone gives a shit

i mean, i know it's mostly to get cena further over as a face, but still

braun's built a massive stock of goodwill off trying to murder roman reigns

they keep making a thing in this of john going for the aa but not being able to get strowman in the air

i get where they're going, but we've seen him aa big show and pick brock lesnar up with one arm

these power levels are more wildly inconsistent than dbz

cena sets up a five knuckle shuffle, braun just stands up and turns it into a spinebuster

cena gets an aa off it anyway for some reason, braun makes it out of the ring

and then hits him with the ring steps for a dq

wait, they're not treating this like it's over

are they somehow arguing that braun was just holding them when cena ran into them

i understand nothing

and then braun powerslams him onto the steps, which would be completely normal usually but causes a dq here

wait

they're playing his music

are they playing that as the medics called it off?

i have no fucking clue

charly turns up to interview roman, he says something banal that i managed to just tune out entirely

give it a few more weeks, and eventually every time he opens his mouth all i'll hear will be womp womp womp like charlie brown's teacher

but up next, miztv with enzo

sighhhhhhh

after this ad for total bellas

(also sigh)

and one for the myc final

(non-sigh)

but now, dean tries to recruit random runners into their tag team

seth's like yeahhhhhh maybe not

and then they run into dean malenko and a friend?

and decide against it

and then the hardyz

there we go

matt's being even more obviously broken than usual

and here are team miz

maryse in a bright red power suit that, as ever, i would wear the fuck out of

bo still hasn't given ariya his jacket back yet

ooh, apparently miz and maryse have an announcement

maryse is pregnant

and they're both just looking genuinely happy and it's so different to normal miz segments

so of course, miz immediately takes the opportunity to talk shit about kurt angle's parenting

starts reading a prepared speech about fatherhood, enzo cuts in with his intro

what a bellend

dressed even more than the create-a-wanker 'randomise' function than usual

claims he's just coming to celebrate with friends, makes eyes at maryse

miz just immediately tears him a new one about his lack of solo prospects

i love angry miz

just like listen dude, i understand being hated, so let me tell you: everyone fucking ~haaaaaaaaates~ you

wow, yeah, this is just miz absolutely unleashing

see, enzo, this is how you talk smack that people understand

enzo responds by shouting at him about realness

yeah, enzo, copying someone's finisher is totally a heinous act that you would never do

promises to come back to raw with the cruiserweight belt and beat miz too

miz pledges to show enzo what a real champion looks like, dedicates his victory to their unborn child

yknow, as you do

cut to ads, during which kurt agreed to the match on the grounds that once a wrestling match has been proposed, it 100% has to happen

miz's opponent immediately runs out of the ring to rant on mic for once

must be unfamiliar territory for him

miz returns the favour while mashing enzo's face into the apron

and then foolishly decides to pause to talk on mic while on the top rope

gets inevitably crotched

enzo takes the opportunity to question the baby's parentage, miztourage join in on kicking yet more shit out of him

dq sounded, miz doesn't even slightly care

but up next, the 8-man tag we all expected

ads for our other shows later, cut backstage and enzo's coughing blood and reconsidering his life choices

runs into neville, who gives an award-winning cackle and walks off

seth and dean do solo intros this time

they really need to get some kind of joint intro

what would that sound like

who could say

although i am a bit attached to BURRRRRN IT DOWWWWWWWWWWWWWN

match begins, i am distracted from matt hardy's shambling weirdness by his sweet-ass trousers

matt gets sheamus and cesaro on the outside, jeff does poetry in motion over the ropes because OH MY GOD AN OPPORTUNITY TO JUMP OFF A THING

i sometimes feel like matt needs to stop enabling his brother

if you thought this match would be huge and messy, you win nothing because of fucking course it is

enjoyable though

cesaro nearly stacks it off the top rope setting up for a flying uppercut/back senton combo, matt kind of flips sideways through the ropes to get the break, gets their at about a count of five to find out the ref had stopped the count at two anyway

dean manages to escape a magic killer attempt to punch gallows in the throat

seth finally hot tags in, burns everyone down

including completely no-selling anderson's attempts to interfere from outside

matt hits gallows with a twist of fate, then the hardyz intimidate the kkb away from the ring while seth and dean hit kingslayer to dirty deeds for the pin on anderson

sheamus and cesaro stand at the top of the ramp doing their thumb thing, the faces stand in the ring celebrating their actual use of tactics for once, and so we fade

i say 'we'

but as we all know, this is the blog that never sleeps

(offer not valid when i miss updates because i overslept)

so i think it's high time we rolled on some MONDAY AFTERNOON SMACKDOWN!

oh god, it's going to include vince and his floppy swagger

fuuuuuuuuuck

daniel, queue something else instead

okay, according to daniel, our machines are timelocked and you can only change the video queue between 11:03 and 11:36

yknow, every week it becomes more and more clear to me why we get these offices for free

well, if it's gonna play anyway, let's get our down smacked and we open on the ongoing shane/kevin controversy

this remains one of the more close-to-the-bone promos in recent times

wow, this is a long recap

previously on smackdown (and assuming neither you nor anyone you know has watched it)

so yes, we're in vegas, and we're making this into an event episode because we don't have a ppv for a little while

and also because vince has sufficiently recovered from the last time he was exposed to Earth air

anyway, here's kevin

and i had forgotten how good this announce team was

kevin welcomes us to his show, reiterates his deep and abiding trauma and restraint when he didn't fight back

so now when he's sued everybody in wwe to death we're gonna get "Kevin Owens Presents: The Kevin Owens Show, starring Kevin Owens"

pledges to fire sami and make tom and byron share a suit

and cancel the fashion files

right, officially irredeemable now

calls vince out so he can talk business

foolishly calls out "Mr McMahon", so here's...dolph?

doing shane's entrance

sure, why not

kevin's like oh thank fuck a talented man who works here, i thought it was shane

lets him have the gimmick, since nobody's using it

and off he goes

kevin starts announcing more grand plans

and here's the other man who might have something to say about that

bryan just strolls into the ring like oh hey you don't actually run this show, i still exist

kevin promises bryan he'll still have a fulfilling job as a janitor on the kevin owens show

bryan hits back with a crack about kevin's weight

sighhhhh

sort it out, dude

ominously promises the imminent arrival of the vince

kevin's basically like yeah whatever -drops mic, walks off-

so yes, later tonight we have new day/usos street fight for the title, naomi/nattie for that title, and tye/aj for -that- title

and that last one is apparently up next

after this ad for cena/roman

which i just read back as 'catwoman', despite having written it myself

and now a moment as tom and corey tell us about natural disaster season

but back to the wrestles, here's aj

and a vt of the ongoing dillinger/us championship thing

here's tye, and this time they've actually synced his tron properly

bell rings, commence to UNNECESSARILY FAST WRESTLING

but then, anything to distract us all from tye's hairstyle

baron runs in, aj redirects a phenomenal forearm to hit him in the face

tye doesn't quite get the distraction pin, then fights out of a styles clash attempt to hit a really nice tye breaker

aj kicks out at 2.99994, then reverses another thing into a calf crusher for the tap

good match

like, felt short, but that's just the problem with this show only being two hours

tye hobbles to his feet, aj gives him the handshake, respect and love all around

and here comes baron to ruin everything

throws aj over the barricade, clotheselines tye, then end of days to aj on the floor

before announcing that next week, aj's opponent in the us title open challenge will be him

someone still needs to learn the meaning of 'open'

and now some woman i don't recognise interviews rusev, both of them speaking with the conviction of a hostage delivering their captor's demands

apparently bulgaria has turned its back on rusev after his failure

so now he has to kill randy to get his mojo back

or poorly-thought-out words to that effect

but up next, jinder does a thing

after a total bellas ad and a supremely tacky exterior shot of vegas, that is

here are the singhs, holding a note longer every week

and here comes the man himself, jinder mahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal

in a dark green suit/brown shirt combo that i actually kind of dig

match graphic for hiac revealed

hell in a cell 2017: this year it's METAL AS FUCK

surprisingly notable maharaja chant going there

big punjabi-canadian community in vegas, clearly

jinder promises to get inside shinsuke's head

a process that seems to consist of putting pictures of him up and laughing at them

aaaaaaand there goes the poop joke

wow

way to aim high

the singhs find this possibly dangerously funny

oh wow, calling him a michael jackson ripoff

nobody's noticed that

oh, and there's a racist stereotype

people laugh, jinder's like see, fucking americans

promises shinsuke that if he wins the belt, he too will get shat on by racists

(while being racist)

transitions into ranting in punjabi mid-sentence

cut backstage, where kevin is dictating a list of his demands as showrunner

including a limo for his buddy jimmy

oh hey, here's sami

this won't be awkward

kevin doesn't even try not to gloat

sami's like cool, whatever, literally anything will be preferable to working for you

up next, new day v usos in a sin city street fighter 3rd strike

(it's possible i should have stopped typing earlier than i did)

but first, cute kids with cancer again

and i hold myself back from being as excoriating as usual

(if you're wondering whether bottling up my pite and bitchiness like this causes me physical pain, be assured that it does)

in any case, here are the new day

only kofi and e have made it to the ring

reasonably sure xavier was there at the top of the ramp

oh, ok

they've sent him back so the usos can't say they had an advantage

seems fair

roll vt of the match we would like you to forget being the best part of summerslam

new day immediately knock the usos out of the ring and get a table

they know how to do their job, who knew

cut to ads, and suddenly e is in the corner with a chair wedged into the ropes above him for whatever reason

recaps suggest the usos put it there, so we know who it'll backfire on

oh look, e kicked one of them into it

that was quick

and then jimmy kicks it into e's face

nice spot

kofi reappears, gets his face smacked into the apron

and jimmy gets jey a kendo stick

both commence to beating on big e with it

kofi comes back, takes everyone out, gets the kendo stick

beats jimmy with it until it explodes

splinters for everyone

okay, this is moving too fast for me to narrate

basically watch the summerslam kickoff match again, but add chairs

kofi just hit jimmy in the face with a chair about six dfferent ways, then threw it at him

and then got thrown into the barricade anyway in the ugliest bump of the night

this enrages big e, who proceeds to murder jey

jey's shirt is getting destroyed, providing a handy visual identifier e splashes both of them, dances instead of going for the pin

jimmy superkicks him, he doesn't give a shit, big ending for the nearfall and then e takes a double superkick anyway

set up for a double splash, kofi kicks jey off the turnbuckle and through chekhov's table

and midnight hour for the pin

much tromboning and joviality

shot of daniel arguing with a runner backstage

graphic for naomi/nattie, during which corey completely forgets how to english

shots of the press carpet for the myc, mostly just reminding me how good steph's outfit was

oh, and ronda rousey's here tonight

oh right, we're in the women's match now

no better way to show the legitimacy and importance of your women's division than by depriving their title match of intros

naomi's got cool new gear though

and carmella's on announce

with ellsworth on a leash

because of course

all bullshit aside, this is a good match

p sure i know who wins because of video thumbnails, but we shall see

-puts in an alarm for 11:05 to change those settings-

naomi casually scorpion kicks nattie in the face like it ain't no thang nattie gets knocked out of the ring, carmella takes the opportunity to front at her with her briefcase

aaaaaand naomi planchas her and ellsworth

and nattie gets a sharpshooter off the distraction for the tap

so yeah, the outcome i expected

so that's three really good title matches down, but of course our main event will be the corporate disciplinary hearing

kevin walks in on aiden practising his opera, offers him a job singing the theme song to the kevin owens show

he freestyles something, kevin is pleased

really, i'm looking forward to this grand restructuring

more like perestroiKO

and now here's dolph

with his own entrance for once

claiming to be the single best performer in wwe history

wait, is this whole rejection of gimmicks gimmick because kfc dropped him?

has a rant, walks off, comes back as bayley

gives up halfway through after the crowd are super into it, bunches a bayley buddy

has another rant, walks off again

and now he's the ultimate warrior

this is not gonna go down well with a lot of people

has dolph just spent a lot of time on the create-an-entrance tool in 2k17?

"So this is what it's come to"

dude, warrior was around like thirty years ago

how is this new

has another rant about how no-one can do what he can and how nobody cares

throws the mic at the announce table, stomps out of the ring as it goes WHONK

somewhat ruined the moment, tbh

who am i kidding, there wasn't a moment, it was dolph ziggler

back to the ring, and someone's cleared away the dead inflatables, so here are the hype bros

to be fed to alpha 2.0

now in beta

shelton makes an impression by dragon screwing mojo through about three laws of physics

counters a rough ryder into a lovely delayed spinebuster, powerbomb-cutter combo for the pin

nearly stymied by shelton thinking chad's arms were longer than they were

learn to tag, guys

mojo shakes hands and hugs them, zack stomps off

i smell plot

but up next, oh fuck vince is here where do we keep the spirits

daniel has responded to that question with a drawing of a magnet and what i'm reasonably sure is a swarm of hornets

guess that answers that question

so yeah, one myc ad later, kevin's in ring

and here comes vince

ain't nobody got swag this floppy

and what a delightful grey/green plaid suit

(disclaimer for text: that was sarcasm, it's fucking awful)

kevin launches straight into it with a thing about how vince must be intimidated by him

a spirit long-sealed at the bottom of a dry well replies

or possibly that's vince's voice

hard to tell sometimes

oh, again with the body-negative cracks

and making fun of kevin for not fighting back because lol cowards

i mean, i know that cowardice is the ultimate insult in wrestling, but it carries a lot of unpleasant baggage

vince promises to fire kevin if he sues the company, which i'm 100% sure breaks a whole lot of labour laws

just add 'wrongful dismissal' to that docket

vince claims to have never lost a lawsuit, i don't believe it for a second

also claims the laws of the land were written for men like him, which i can believe all day

apparently shane was suspended for not killing kevin

the fuck, vince

this is seriously the worst company anyone could ever work for

vince reinstates shane, makes a match at hiac so he can murder him properly

like, i know i read too much into wrestling, but this is tying into so much rich white male dickwad shit that it's making me deeply uncomfortable

vince agrees to give him his word that he won't have any repercussions for beating the shit out of a mcmahon

so kevin hits him in the head with a mic so he bleeds everywhere

and this is why we consider contract wording, children

ref tries ineffectually to get kevin to leave, so he just kicks vince in the stomach

and i get distracted by vince's old man socks for days

vince gets up, eats a superkick

kevin throws three refs out of the way, sets up for a frog splash

that dude in the suit whose name i always forget tries to stop him

it doesn't work

kevin walks up the ramp looking like he might have realised what he just did, steph comes out in that killer pantsuit to stare daggers at him

and we fade on an awful old man bleeding from his forehead and staggering up the ramp, supported by his daughter and that dude whose name still eludes me

so hey guys, who's hyped for the myc final?

sometimes, smackdown editing outdoes itself

(it might be scott armstrong?)

(fuck, but i'm bad at faces)

right - while this blog might never sleep, the lights go out in ten minutes, so we should probably relocate

expect another post sooner rather than later, since it's no mercy on sunday

and expect a decent outro...definitely later

#WWE #WWE Raw #wwe smackdown #Wrestling

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