#i hate my life i can’t even GIF this is a fucking NIGHTMARE !!!!!!!!!!!

[rubyvhs]

nightmare [dean winchester]

pairing; dean w x fem! reader summary; you go on a hunt with the brothers but when it goes to shit, dean can’t help being overprotective. tags; angst, stitching yourself, alcoholic dean, some you and sam in there cause he's the cutest baby, your dad died.

“fuck! sam, quick, get the girls.” dean runs into the impala forcing the engine to roar to life and flashes his lights at the highest setting for the vampires, burning their eyes as the other four get into it and he drives off.

it's quite for the first five minutes, except for the heavy breathing. the two girls that the trio rescued are sleeping peacefully, though you think it's anything but peaceful. their faces aren't relaxed, instead covered in blood and frowning, but their breaths have slowed, at least.

five minutes. that's all it takes before the tension is broken with a, “let me drive, dean.” the older winchester lets out an exaggerated airy laugh for all of two seconds before putting on a straight face and telling him no. “you're hurt, you can hardly keep your eyes open, let me drive, either of us.”

sam is right, dean is hurt way more than both of you combined, he fought off most of the vampires on his own while you took the girls and ran, but he was mostly hurt because he hadn't expected it.

your plan was to get the girls and dip then come back in the morning to wipe them out in their sleep, but you had woken one of them up with the loudest noise you've ever made when one of the girls stabbed you in the stomach with some glass she’d found on the floor. 

again, taken by surprise. obviously the girls thought you were one of the vampires. 

“shut up. it's only a ten minute drive to the nearest hospital.”

“we're going to a hospital?” you don't usually hunt with sam and dean, opting to stay in the motels and do some research, maybe figure out a better plan, but you've never seen them go to the hospital for their injuries, they'd always come home to you bleeding out on the floor.

“for you and the girls, yes.”

“what about you and sam?”

“it's fine.” that shut you up, his strict tone, and stare in the rear view mirror made you slide down in your seat.

ten minutes later you’ve reached 'northwest tawara horspital' and sam is helping the girls out of the impala. dean, while a wanted fugitive, does the same with you. 

but you refuse. “i won't go inside if you two aren't.”

“what?” he moves a little too quickly and holds his side as he winces. god, that can't be comfortable. 

“i won't go inside, we're just wasting time,” sam comes back and stands in the drivers side to talk to you, door open. “see? sam's back, let's get home quickly so we can fix you both up, and me.”

“no, you're going in.” sam was the one to insist this time but you just shake your head and stay planted into your seat. through the corner of your eye you can see both men discussing what to do then they get back in the car with a sigh.

on the drive home it’s mostly silent until you feel your eyes flutter closed. just a few seconds of sleep— but dean’s loud shout of your name wakes you up, “don't close your eyes, we need to fix you up first.” you nod and straighten up, “and what you did back there? fuckin’ reckless, don't pull that shit again. when we tell you to do something, you do it. or you don't come on hunts with us.”

“what the hell? i was the one who decided i didn't want to come with hunts on you guys, you can't take away my choice.”

“like hell i can't!” he isn't looking at you through the mirror, instead focusing on the road because you're on a busy one, but you can still feel his eyes burning into yours. it makes you shrink down in your seat. you hate how much his words affect you, and how visible it is too. 

sam has has never yelled at you really, but even if he had it wouldn't have done much damage, he's too soft for that. dean though... he scares you sometimes, not that he'd hurt you or kick you out, just that he'd be disappointed in you, maybe give you the silent treatment. you don't want that, but you also hate being barked orders at.

“you can't, dean.” sam says to his brother, slapping his shoulder once to ground him back, and it seems to have worked. because you’re not a bad hunter— if anything, you have their back most of the time, you aren’t clumsy or unreliable and what happened had been a mistake that any other hunter would have made. this isn’t about hunting. this is about dean being too controlling.

you thought it was over now that you're at the motel but when he parks baby, he looks back at you, “i can, and i fucking will. you can't act like a child and expect us to let you come on the hunts. you listen to whatever the fuck we tell you to do.” your lips part in surprise, thinking of how to respond, but he doesn't even give you the chance and gets out, slamming the door behind him. 

you don't look at sam as you close baby's door and start walking to the motel. sam catches up and tells you to wait and because you don't have it in you to be yelled at anymore, you turn back and face him.

he says your name, low and soft, “that wasn't an order,” 

shut up before i cry “hey,” he hugs you, your head on his chest and you just let it all out. god, you feel so stupid. you can't believe you were so unprepared and you caused them all this damage. if you had just been in defense mode you would've never screamed, you've been through worst and kept quite. and though you know it’s a little irrational, you can’t help but blame yourself for not being quiet.

“hey, he's just worried about you, he means well, you know that.” you let go slightly and he kisses your forehead, telling you to go into their room and that he'll be in yours to get cleaned up. 

+

walking into the room of the man who just basically called you a two year old is nerve-wrecking. you don't want to be screamed at and god knows you don't want to be treated like a child again. every time you think you’re getting through to dean, or that you’re becoming closer, something happens and he reminds you you’re still young, naive, and only with them because your dad had told them to.

your father is— was a hunter, he used to hunt with john sometimes, and when he heard about the apocalypse that's soon to be here and all the angels that seem to stride onto earth, he wanted to tie up loose ends, so he asked the winchesters to keep you with them until further notice.

then he never came back. but all of this is something you’ve dealt with ages ago. years even. but this? dean pushing you away all the time? acting like you’re some burden? that, you can’t get over.

“hey,” you hear his voice and turn around, not even having seen him walking towards the bathroom. “how you holding up?”

it’s a stupid attempt to make amends, but it works. the second he says anything, it works. it always does.

“fine.” you mumble and notice he’s finishing supplies to stitch himself up. ouch. you know the boys prefer to do it themselves than help the other out but you’ve always found they need a gentler hand. 

you walk towards him and hold his hand in place to stop his movements, taking the needle from him. he doesn't complain, just drowns the bottle of whiskey. with one hand, the other holding his shirt up. 

when it’s done you hold my hand out for the bottle and he scoffs, as if wasting his alcohol hurts him more than the wound that just got stitched up. he hands it over reluctantly.

you pull down his shirt and decide it’s better if you take a swig too. “does it hurt?” the questions rolls off easily, no matter how angry you are at him. 

“i'll survive.” he shrugs like it's nothing. like the gash over most of his stomach is nothing.

“not what i asked.” dean half-heartedly glares at you but your expectant expression makes him think there isn’t a way out. and there isn’t.

“it's fine, my arm’s just sore.” you sit next to him on the bed, pushing his sleeve up and he hisses, muttering something under his breath and snatching the bottle from your hand to drown it. 

“dean...” it’s surreal. it knocks all the air out of your lungs. you’ve never seen the mark, the one an angel of the lord imprinted on dean’s shoulder, though sam talked about it a couple of times. you clear your throat before he notices the staring and point to the wound, “i think you need to stitch that one too, hand me another needle.”

he does and you get to work. it’s mostly noiseless but it feels like there's something heavy in the air, a confession. though it’s impossible to tell who’s supposed to make it.

“i'm sorry.” you try to hide the surprise on your face by looking down but he doesn't let you, hooking his fingers under your chin and he makes you look up at him. “i was so worried about you.” he lets go, taking a breath in, “the way i felt when you screamed? damn it, i've never felt so scared before and i've been to hell,” he lets out a dry laugh and you smile a little. god he's so perfect.

“i don't wanna hurt you, sweetheart, never, so when i ask you to listen to me it isn't because i'm treating you like a child, i just wanna keep you safe.” there are more words on the tip of his tongue but he shuts up and it doesn’t nothing to help the growing smile on your face. it's more than you thought you’d ever get out of him.

you pour a more of the alcohol on his stitches and pull the sleeve down. “okay, you officially need a shower now, you're all booze and cologne. i need to clean this place up.”

“it's fine, sammy and i will do it.”

“not happening. go get cleaned up, i'll finish here.” you knew that what you’re doing is painfully obvious, but you hope he lets it go, just this once. 

of course he doesn't, instead pulling your shirt up to reveal the various cuts that don’t need stitches, just some treatment, and the stab wound you fixed in the car when they were both too busy sulking in the tension. you’ve gotten a lot better at handling pain since you’ve started with the winchesters.

“when did you do that?”

“doesn't matter, it's done. get in the shower dean, let me clean up and go to sleep.”

“damn it, just answer me when i ask something. when did you do this?”

“car.” you’re scared, tired and you don't want to fight. but he just apologized, for god’s sake, can’t he give it a rest.

you wait for his harsh blow. words that will knock you off my feet, anything really, but he just sighs, letting the shirt go and stands up. you do the same and he embraces you in a hug that you’re quick to reciprocate. so quick you’d already had your arms around his neck before he got his around your waist.

the whiskey burns your nose but it's nothing compared to how your body burns with you so close. “dean?”

“you're so strong, you know?” he takes a beat, a breath, “but that doesn't mean shit to me, i still wanna keep you safe all the time because god knows i don't deserve you but i'm too selfish to let you go.”

you pull away just to see his face. you need to know he means what he's saying. that you’re talking about the both of you in the way you’re thinking. the desperation to convey how he feels to you, it gives you all the confidence in the world to stand a little taller and finally kiss him.

you kiss dean winchester because for the first time in ages, someone cares, someone wants you safe. someone learned from their mistake and did better, someone is fucking perfect and it's dean. 

one of his hands is rough on your waist, the other on you cheek. his tongue, his cologne, it all makes you melt into him. 

then ten seconds later, way too deep into the kiss he pulls away slowly, shakes his head and groans, “why'd you do that.”

you step away him in panic. you were ready for rejection, sure. a small ‘i don't see you like that’, not this.

“i'm sorry, i didn't mean to—”

“no, no, hey,” he steps closer “i just... i don't wanna do this if it's gonna hurt you. i don't know how good i will be if we go down that road and you deserve something good.”

“you are dean,” he licks his bottom lip and it catches you attention, forcing you to bite on yours, “you're good. you're perfect.”

one thing i will not allow in my household is the winchester brothers being insecure that they're not enough (pov it’s all they do). anyways sooo this is for the jensen-a-thon for @artyandink so excited to have my first entry and there’s another one i’ve been working on for a week (hopefully i’m almost done with it). hope you enjoyed this!

[no-droids]

Another Rough Day

gif credit @chrishemsworht

Part Twenty of the Rough Day Series

Rating: Explicit

Word Count: 13.7K

Warnings: Angst, violence, canon-typical blood and gore, language, hurt/comfort

A/N: i wanna thank yall for sticking around during my hermit era, in the time ive been gone i am now officially a junior at a university majoring in aerospace and it’s a fuckin nightmare and i hate everything and god help us all literally kill me and I will be posting INCREDIBLY slowly because of that (I’m talkin weeks or months in between updates yall, im sorry I can’t dedicate more time to this but I am going to finish this fic within the next handful of chapters idk maybe 5 or 6 so you shouldn’t have to wait too too long).  As a heads up there will be hard angst as we enter the final arc, there will be hurt and it’ll get dark but everything is gonna turn out alright so thanks for sticking with me and continuing to stick with me. im sorry if you dont like it or your expectations were subverted or if this isn’t what you’d hoped it would be after following and waiting around for so long but this was planned a long time ago and it took me a good year or two to recognize that I started writing this fic for me and now I’m going to end it writing for me and I hope yall can respect that

ALSO I asked my best BEST FRIEND in the entire world @cptnbvcks to collaborate with me for this after we both took a very long break from creating and she drew some GORGEOUS artwork for this chapter so it will be posted at the end, everyone please go follow her and say hello

ps brittany girl you’re a fuckin menace i had to use my own two ears and listen to ethan literally say the words “the mandalorian cums, hard” what the fuck was that im actually suing

anyways chapter below the cut lets get serious yall

---

You take two of them down before they even realize they’re being attacked.

Your aim is as swift and steady as if Din were behind your shoulder right now, calmly pointing out which stationary tree to hit next in rapid succession.  You’re positioned perfectly at the bottom of the ramp to take full advantage of the ambush, the only thing running through your mind is strategy and the constant calculating of angles and ricochets.  The other three troopers are trapped inside the open Crest and you’re right next to a large boulder that you can step behind for cover, but it proves unnecessary as the rumors were apparently true.

They’re… awful.

Not a single blaster is even fired in your direction—you think you see maybe one panicked red shot bounce around in the hull, but that’s it.  The troopers fumble for their guns and trip over each other at the unexpected attack—a few scream like children through the modulators, but you’re temporarily deaf to anything besides the screech of your weapon hitting its target and the crumpling of armored bodies.

Later on, if someone were to ask you to describe exactly what happened—who died first, who ran for cover, who cried out for help—you don’t think you’d be able to.  You don’t even really feel like a person right now.  The entire thing is cold, robotic survival instinct, pure ruthlessness rising in your soul for the first time in your life.  It feels sick.  Wrong in your bones.  Born from preemptive defense in fear of your life, but that doesn’t mean you stop.  Not until all of them stop moving.

You empty the entire fucking canister for a handful of stormtroopers, firing plasma and char marks across every square inch of the pristine hull even after the last one drops.  Your heart is beating too fast, your finger keeps pulling the trigger multiple times even after the blaster clicks uselessly, completely empty and beeping a warning that it must’ve begun emitting ages ago.  Being out of ammo scares you—you suddenly feel vulnerable, even though the very far away logical part of your mind reminds you that they have to all be dead at this point and no physical threat was ever able to graze you.

Regardless, you quickly spin behind the boulder and grab another canister from your belt, giving it a spare check for leaks while the empty one slides and drops to the rocky ground.  It’s the first time you’ve ever had to reload this weapon instead of just pointing and shooting, but the mechanics are relatively simple and your brain makes up for your lack of coherent thoughts with lightning fast perception.  What's difficult is that your hands are starting to shake now that you’re not aiming, you’re not breathing correctly because you’re not really breathing at all.  You can’t tell the difference between the adrenaline-fueled dissociative silence that muffles everything around you or if it really is just that quiet now.  No more clatter of armor, no modulated voices or terrified screams.  No blasters, no footsteps along the ramp, no birds singing.

You quickly pause to lift your elbow and check the enormous eyes blinking up at you, tiny claws still holding tight to the fabric of your tunic and completely unharmed, and then you force yourself to move.  The blaster is held out in front of you while you walk forward and your finger rests on the trigger, begging to be pulled again.  It’s suspenseful and terrifying in a different way than before—now it’s less about psyching yourself up for confrontation and more about the fact that any sudden movement could mean your very swift end.

Silence.  Silence.  You’re numb and raw at the same time, walking up the ramp as your eyes fly everywhere, not even registering the blood or gore, just searching for movement.  You don’t know if you feel like a predator or prey, you’re that much more brutal and inhuman because of how fucking terrified you are.  You count four stormtroopers in the hull laying crumpled and still on the metal floor, but the one in the far corner only has blood on his shoulder.  You quickly swing the blaster around to remedy that, but then—

“P-Please don’t kill me!”

His words remind you of something.  Reality, maybe.  A world outside yourself and the kid’s survival, the living beings behind the bloody armor your enemies wear.

It’s a miracle your finger stays hovering over the trigger, and you watch him throw the blaster at your feet with a clang and scramble to show you his empty hands.  “Please don’t kill me, please don’t kill me—I’m not loyal to the Empire, I don’t want to be here, please, I don’t want to die, I don’t want to die—”

Behind the mask, your expression furrows.  Stormtroopers are loyal to the bitter end, what is he saying?  They embrace their expendiality, it’s the only thing that makes them any sort of a real threat.  Kuiil told you horror stories about them during your childhood, the cloning facilities and the propaganda they’re force fed since infancy.  It’s nearly impossible to find one who hasn’t been raised from birth to serve the Empire, no matter how crumbled and trace its remaining authority may be.

No, this is a trap, it has to be.  Your expression twists with dread after hearing him speak, readjusting your aim with the blaster and preparing yourself for the years of nightmares that’ll follow—but then he cries out, “Wait!” and then removes his helmet with trembling hands.

You pause, staring down at him in shock.

It’s him, you recognize him immediately.  It’s the same face from a hologram puck you bore into your memory, spent multiple days staring at so you’d be able to spot him under any disguise or circumstances.  Oshua Ryler.  Your quarry, the fifth puck, the one Din was out Maker knows where searching for before this entire mess happened.  A stormtrooper?  His puck said nothing about the Empire, this doesn’t make any sense.  What is he doing here?  Stormtroopers don’t have pucks, they don’t have bounties or relatives or loved ones searching for them.  They’re brainwashed, replaceable, faceless soldiers in suits of armor and they don’t even have names.

“Please don’t kill me,” he begs again, staring at you with wide eyes even as he cowers.  “I have a family, I-I just want to go home, please—”

“Shut up.”  You can’t think straight with him crying like that and you’re wasting so much time just standing here trying to process when your brain had to literally shut itself down to even do the things you’ve already done.  You have to kill him and escape, you have to—you can’t trust this complication, not with the tiny claws currently digging into your back and reminding you of your purpose, but it was so much easier when he had on a helmet.  You hate looking at his face.  It’s going to haunt your dreams now, just like the man you stabbed on Corellia.

“Please don’t kill me—please don’t kill me,” he screws his eyes up and breathes over and over instead, and your stomach wrenches with disgust.  His posture and expression are so fucking pitiful, you can barely keep your eyes on him through the overwhelming nausea and aversion that climbs up your throat.  He’s with the Empire, and they’re looking for the baby.  You know what needs to be done.  Pull the trigger, just one small movement from you and it’ll be all over.  It would be the easiest thing in the world, it would be so easy.

But then instead, you ask, “Why are you a stormtrooper?”

“I’m n-not—I hate the Empire—”

“The Empire is ashes.”  You don’t know if you’re yelling or whispering with how much blood is roaring through your ears.  “They hold no power anymore.  Why are you with them?”

“Because the one thing they have left is money!”  The quarry shrills the words at you, ghostly pale to the point of turning green.  “Th-They buy troopers now—they opened up a whole new market for the smugglers, there’s a base nearby that’s used for training and…”  He stares wide eyed at you and gulps.  “C-Conditioning.”

Your brain is already going a trillion lightyears an hour and it doesn’t have the capacity to empathize or understand anything beyond the child’s survival and the relevant details right now.  “Were they expecting the baby?”

“W-What?”  He squeaks up at you.

“Was the bounty put out on you a trap set by the Empire?”  You ask him, lifting your free arm just enough to flash him the tiny child clinging to your side.  “He said they’re coming after the baby, so tell me if this was planned from the beginning.”

“Who is ‘he’?”  The stormtrooper asks, furrowing his eyebrows and looking around.  “What are you talki—”

“Tell me if the bounty on you was a trap to take this baby!”  You roar, your blaster shaking as you aim it down at him.  Your mind is acutely focused on the tiny claws hanging onto your tunic, the continued safety of the kid and the life or death situation facing him that you were given absolutely no information about.  “Now—”

“If it was I didn’t know!”  He quickly cries out, pleading with you and clamping his eyes shut in terror under the barrel sight.  “I don’t know anything about a b-baby, or a bounty!  They just put blasters in our hands and told us to search for a ship and to bring back anyone we find alive, I swear!”

You’re silent for a moment, biting your lip under the mask and caught halfway between discerning and stalling.  You could still kill him.  You should still kill him, time is ticking down and more troopers could be heading this way any second.

Shit.  “Who put the bounty out on you?”  You ask sharply.  It might not be a completely fair question, but he can’t exactly blame you for not feeling completely fair right now.

“I—I don’t know,” he gasps, clutching his bleeding shoulder.  “Could’ve been anyone—my mother, Cyra, o-or my dad, Obediah, or Thia, or Benja, or S—”

“Thia,” you interrupt his rambling, catching the slurred word and repeating it back to him.

“Yes!”  Oshua jerks his head up, tears and hope immediately filling his eyes at the sound of her name, “Yes, Thiadura Celi Ryler, that’s my sister!”

Maker, if he’s lying, then he’s fucking brilliant at it.  You look towards the cockpit of the ship, biting your lip under the mask.  Get to Nevarro, tell Karga and he’ll… something.  Din was cut off before he finished.  Help?  Know what to do?  You’re lost, but you have a clear directive and the precious seconds are sliding by.  The controls are right up there, two steps to the ladder and less than a minute until you’re rising into the atmosphere.

But then you think back to the terror in Din’s voice.  The blistering panic that made him speak faster and with more urgency than you’ve ever heard from him.  Get to Nevarro.  Tell Karga.  Get to Nevarro.  Tell Karga.

You look back at the quarry.  “How many of you are there?”

“At the base?  Around three hundred,” he immediately spills.  “Half of us are in the hole right now getting brainwashed, they do it in shifts, but they can be mobilized in a few hours.  There were a lot of bodies outside when we were ordered to split off, maybe a third of our squadron, but the rest were still shooting at whatever was—”

“So around a hundred left,”  You finish breathlessly, almost wanting him to speak faster and cut to the chase so you can calculate quicker.  “How many were dispatched on the search?”

“Uh, there were eight groups of five sent in each major direction,” he informs you, still trembling on the ground.  “Told us not to come back until we covered the entire sector.”

Of which, four you’ve already taken care of.  In other circumstances, you’d be nauseated at the thought, but right now, it’s just another number to subtract, just more panicked math in Din’s frightening absence.  That leaves at least sixty troopers left wherever the base is, minimum, and likely a couple more hours before they’ve combed the sector.  If this wasn’t a preconceived trap purposefully set for the kid, then that means reinforcements haven’t arrived yet but likely will soon.  And if this is a base meant for training and conditioning, then that also means there’s a chance not all of them will be loyal yet.

You make the decision immediately.

“Okay,” you announce, clicking the blaster’s safety switch and holstering it, sounding lightyears more certain than you feel.  “Then you’re going to help me carry out a rescue mission, and I’ll take you back to your sister.”

“You…”  He looks uncertain, blinking at your blaster and slowly lowering his hands.  “You want to rescue the men?”

Ideally?  Sure.  Realistically?  You don’t say anything in response.  Instead, you kick his regulation firearm at your feet further away from the quarry just in case your judgment is flawed, and then turn around and grab one of the bodies behind you.

Your adrenaline is still blaring so fast that you only just barely note the severity of what you’ve just done and what you’re continuing to do.  The corpses aren’t real to you right now, they’re inanimate things that you need out of your ship before you can close the doors to it.  They are, however, heavy as fuck, but the only other adult here has a wound in his arm from the gun on your hip.  Regardless, you have experience with lifting dead weight without a big, strong, capable man to do it for you.

“Help me out here, kid,” you mutter over your shoulder, and in response, you feel his claws dig in and climb up just a little bit until he can peek out in front of you.  Thankfully, the burden is suddenly lifted and you can quickly slide the dead troopers down the ramp with ease.  It takes hardly any time at all—you just yank and haul and release and all four of them tumble the rest of the way all by themselves.

When you stand back up, Oshua hasn’t moved and he’s looking at you with a pale, queasy expression.  Glancing down, you see that your white robe is now stained with streaks and patches of rusty blood.  Instead of swallowing back bile at the sight and bolting to the shower to scrub off every last remaining trace, you breeze past it, noting nothing more than a change of color.  Dirtying your white, pristine clothing with the consequences of protecting this baby—you’d rather have blood-soaked fabric with an unharmed kid clinging to you than any other combination of those things.

“Can you make it up to the cockpit?”  You ask the quarry, kicking his rifle off the ship before closing the ramp and then gesturing up the ladder.  Your voice is calm and steady but your hands are beginning to shake again.  “I need as much information as possible about the base.”  You know that’s where Din is, judging from the wall of blaster screeches that drowned him out through the comm.  Logically, you know you could be headed right into a trap, and every instinct inside you wants to find safety, but… you just cannot imagine flying the ship away from this planet without Din onboard.  It isn’t fucking happening, you’ve made your choice.

Without waiting for a response, you climb the ladder and plop down in the pilot’s seat of the Crest.  While Oshua finds some way to clamber up the steps behind you in bulky stormtrooper armor with one good arm, you hold the kid closer on your lap and begin flight checking.  Din will be fucking furious, but the scolding you’ll be sure to get is the least of your worries right now.  Following his instructions and going back to Nevarro is just making shit infinitely more dangerous for him, turning what could be a potential rescue mission into an undeniable suicide mission.  Even if Karga somehow decides to send a few guild members along to infiltrate the base, it’ll be a war you want to avoid.

Besides.  What did you always tell him about running away from him, even when he instructs you to?

It’s just… not really your thing.

---

They’re everywhere.

They crawl like flies out of the base, and for every single body that falls, three more spill from the open doors.  Rapid fire plasma beams launch from the end of Din’s blaster, melting white armor with every twitch of his gloved finger.  Their aim is terrible, as is to be expected, but the sheer number of them more than makes up for it, as is by design.

Din’s heart pounds with exertion, his breath comes in ragged huffs through the modulator as his helmet identifies and isolates which body is closest to him, which body he needs to bring down next.  His blaster is so hot it nearly burns his hand, even through the thick gloves he wears.  When he runs out of ammo, he holsters the pistol and swings his rifle from around his shoulder, spinning to catch a handful of troopers behind him in the obliterating blast.

He’s not thinking much.  He can’t think, even though your safety and that of his son is currently dangling by a thread.  If he focuses on that, he’ll be dead before he can even picture your faces.  He just reacts, he maims and kills without a single thought in his mind.  Blood splatters, screams and sirens blare as he becomes surrounded by more and more troopers.  Din can hear the sound of plasma colliding and ricocheting off his armor; every single one of them is a potential injury he could currently have but might not even be able to feel right now.

His helmet starts beeping rapidly and he turns just enough to see, highlighted in bright red on the screen, two enormous artillery turrets slowly rising up out of the roof of the imperial base.  He feels a fierce flash of anger burn in his chest, it’s like a lightning strike to his veins.

Din needs to go.

And yet… if he was another man.  If he wasn’t a father, or a husband, if he had no family and no attachments like the creed declared he should, he would go.  With just a twitch of his fingers, he could be launching into the sky and retreating as far away from this battlefield as he could reasonably get.  He’s never been the type to run from a threat, but this isn’t just a threat.  Dozens of troopers are gaining on him, they’re trampling their own dead to get within range.  Plasma pings off his shoulder, another one hits his back as they flank from behind.  He can feel the heat through the sizzling beskar, he can see them surrounding him on all sides, and the propulsion trigger for his jetpack is right there under his wrist.

Din holds his ground and continues firing, he plants his feet firmly to the dirt with only one thought in his mind.

Run, sweet girl.  Run.

---

You type in commands to scan for Din’s signal, quickly locating it through the Crest’s computer onboard.  Not far from here, three minutes or less.  The ship rumbles to life beneath you, slowly lifting off the rocky ground and rotating in place as it hovers.  It’s not on autopilot but you feel like you are, you can barely feel your hands as they move the yoke forward and the Crest takes off in the direction of Din’s blinking frequency.

“Tell me about defenses,” you instruct Oshua, restlessly bouncing your leg while the baby coos.

“Two plasma turrets on top of the base,” the quarry quickly answers.  “There’s usually guards stationed around the perimeter, but everyone who’s capable will be outside right now.”

Your mouth twists downwards under the mask.  Blasters don’t scare you much from this high up, but Din’s armor doesn’t cover every inch of his body, he’s not completely invincible.  Doubt churns in your stomach, but you have to stay focused on one task at a time so you don’t get overwhelmed.  The turrets, then.  “Are they automatic?”

“Manual,” he corrects with a shake of his head.

“Radar?”

“Old.  Only engages above fifty meters.”

You eye your altitude and dip the Crest considerably, beginning to weave through the rocky canyons and dodging crumbling cliffs while you travel.  “What about ships?”

“None,” Oshua says, “except for a passenger shuttle used for transport.  TIEs are flown in the Vesta sector, this base is remote and used for basic training only.”

“Anything else?”  You ask, stomach twisting with the knowledge that barely four questions is all you’ve got.  You’re planning to drop into an imperial base to save the man you love and you can’t think of a single other question?  

The quarry shrugs, and your heart slams, does somersaults in your chest at the mere notion that you could fucking die here.  Today, in two minutes or less, you could die here.  The child in your lap looking over the ship’s front panel with a quiet determination in his eyes could die here.  Din could already be dead—that signal broadcasts his location to this computer regardless of whether he’s still breathing or not.  He could already be gone and you’d be flying the baby right into a trap without knowing any differently.

Whelp, you think while taking a deep breath, some strangely calm existential acceptance beginning to flood your soul.  If he isn’t dead, he will be soon if you don’t make it to him on time.

You immediately lift your wrist and speak into the communicator.  “Mando?”  You have no idea if he can hear you, but you need to try anyway.  Your voice is still firm, there’s a strength to it you don’t feel in your chest, but it certainly sounds convincing.  “I’m coming to get you.  Less than a minute to your location, do everything you can to get outside.  If you can’t, I’ll just… uh.  Try to figure something else out.”

That’s it.  That’s it, improvise until you don’t have to.  Even if you’re lacking confidence, you can at least scrounge up some conviction.  Your arms gain feeling again while you veer the Crest through the stony terrain, the familiar reverberations under your feet begin to fill your body with a powerful sense of purpose.  Your breaths begin to come steady, every falling rock you see through the transparisteel feels like it drops in slow motion, allowing you to evade them easily.  It would normally be stupidly dangerous to fly this low with so many unexpected obstacles and hazards narrowly missing the ship, but considering what you’re flying into, a few boulders seems comical.

“Where’s your helmet?”  Oshua asks out of nowhere, and for a second, you don’t think you heard him correctly.

But then it strikes you all at once what he’s attempting to imply, and the sheer lunacy of the thought is enough to make you laugh while you clutch the controls.  “I’m not a Mandalorian.”

“You wear the armor of one,” he points out… rather fairly, you have to admit.  “You cover your face like one.  You have a blaster that fires Philithiorium, a rare and expensive gas native to Mandalore’s stratosphere, and you’re a bounty hunter—”

“I’m not a Mandalorian.”  Your words are short and cutting, you have a daunting task to focus on and don’t feel like having small talk right now.  “I’m not a bounty hunter, either.”

But then again, Karga made you a member of the Guild, didn’t he?  He handed you Oshua’s puck and said this one is for you to find, and you are technically part of a Mandalorian clan.  All of this seems like it happened without your knowledge.  You may be marrying a Mandalorian, you may wear his armor and mother his child and shoot a blaster with his signet branded into it, but war isn’t in your blood.  This robe was a costume when you first made it, this armor was a relic that was restored as a hobby.  In a sense, it still feels that way.  The mask covering your face lended itself to a temporary surge of bravery earlier, but beyond that, the only thing that’s keeping you moving forward now is your family.  The man you love that may or may not be alive right now, the baby holding tight to your leg while the ship sways and weaves through the stony landscape.

Your eyes quickly flick down to the child in your lap, both of his three fingered hands clutching onto the stained fabric of your knee without moving a single inch.  He’d know, you tell yourself.  If his father is gone, he’d already know somehow.  Din is still alive, and he’s counting on you.

---

There’s too many for Din to handle.

They swarmed him, overpowered his endless artillery with massive numbers and there’s nothing he can do anymore.  The backs of his knees are kicked from behind and he slams down to the ground with a clatter, his sizzling hot blasters are ripped from him, and Din folds his hands calmly behind his back even as one of the stormtroopers barks out, “Binders,” to another one, who disappears quickly in response.  In the meantime, a few of them apparently decide to just attempt holding his arms in place, and their measly combined grip is almost enough to make him roll his eyes under the helmet.  These imperial soldiers are even more pitiful than they usually are, but his silent resolve to stall to ensure your escape is enough to keep him stationary and compliant for the time being.

Eventually, a few voices call out from beyond the crowd and there’s some movement from the back.  Dozens of troopers with their blasters all pointed at him begin to shuffle to make way, careful to keep their barrels aimed at him while a path slowly forms.  The crowd of white parts and a stormtrooper with a singular red pauldron on his right shoulder saunters confidently towards Din as he kneels on the ground.

An officer, he assumes.  Conveniently missing from the firefight, the scanner inside his helmet would’ve caught the change in color and Din would’ve made sure to kill him first.

“Well now, what do we have here?”  Comes his thin metallic voice through the tinny filter.  The officer studies him curiously for a few moments, before slowly looking down by his feet, reaching out one cheap, plastic covered foot to gently nudge the body of a dead trooper on the ground with a sigh.  “What a shame.”

Coward, he thinks, his lip curling with disgust under the helmet.

“This is an imperial training base,” he turns his attention back to Din to inform him when he doesn’t immediately respond, rather stupidly he might add.  “How were you able to find us?”

Silence.  The grip on hands held behind his back is even looser now.  He just tilts his chin up slightly in defiance, the scanner inside his helmet locating each weapon strapped to the man’s body and highlighting it red.  Small text boxes blink into existence under each one with a manufacturer and classification—a BlasTech E-11 rifle, a Merr-Sonn thermal detonator, a Kolvo vibroblade—and Din is severely unimpressed with the quality.  The detonator is the only weapon that even catches his eye, and that’s only because the chamber inside that houses the explosive baradium has a release mechanism that’s completely dead.  Useless, then.  Good to know.

After a long moment of quiet tension where Din refuses to speak and the officer continues to confidently scrutinize him, in some strange sort of silent battle of egos that only one seems to have a genuine interest in, another stormtrooper makes his way to the front, shoving past his fellow soldiers to address the superior in charge.

“Commander, we’ve sent out an alert for an intruder,” he tells him, slightly out of breath from running through the crowd in the lightweight armor.  Din wants to roll his eyes, but what he says next makes him snap to immediate attention.  “The fleet informed us that Moff Gideon is currently on route.”

Gideon.  The last time someone spoke that name, it was a quarry on Coruscant and you just barely managed to stop Din from suffocating the bastard for even saying it aloud before freezing him in carbonite.  It would’ve meant half the return on a hunt that lasted nearly a month but he saw red and his hand was crushing his windpipe before he realized what happened.  But he’s dead, Din thinks with a clenched jaw and fists tightening behind his back, he watched that TIE fighter explode and slam into the ground, crushing the man inside it.  The wreck was unsurvivable, he can’t be alive.

“For what?  This Mandalorian?”  The trooper in charge scoffs in response, and Din remains completely mute.

“Yes, sir,” the other one confirms.  “Orders were to capture him, alive.”

“Hm.”  The officer turns his attention back to him, less analyzing and more musing while he tilts his head.  “I see,” he eventually says, and he sounds like he’s grinning, before strolling slightly closer as Din stays completely still on his knees.  “He must want the beskar.  I’m sure it’s worth more than this entire battalion combined.”

All of a sudden, a gloved hand carelessly catches the rim of his helmet and tugs, and Din’s movement is explosive.  He launches off the ground, arms easily slipping from the pathetic grip they were being held in and his fist colliding with the side of the officer’s flimsy white helmet, the plastic making a deafening crack against his face.

Multiple hands immediately rush forward to grab him and yank him back down again while the commanding trooper stumbles backwards in shock, and Din amicably drops to his knees and folds his hands behind his back once more like nothing happened at all.

“Binders!”  A trooper behind him roars loudly once more, and a few men surrounding him begin trotting away this time.

The officer in red stands a few feet away from him now, grabbing his helmet and twisting it back to its proper position on his head where it was skewed.  There’s a shattered hole near his jaw where the material splintered and busted like the cheap piece of banthashit it is, and while he might normally feel pleased with himself for being able to see his skin peeking through, it just fills him with more righteous fury.  It’s such a punchable jaw.

After a few awkward moments of silence, the other one clears his throat and continues.  “He… has inquired about the location and status of a child that should be accompanying him.”

Din inhales deeply through his nose and grinds his teeth.  He wants to snap their necks one by one for even just mentioning his son, but there are just too many, more than even his whistling birds can neutralize.  Still, he gave you as much of a head start as physically possible.  You should be rising into the atmosphere right now, making the jump into hyperspace towards safety.  Karga will know what to do—he’ll protect his family, separate you and the boy so the threat is evenly dispersed instead of collected all in one place, and arm dozens of trained hunters to keep watch over you both individually.  It’s the best Din can do, and it’s the only thing keeping his knees planted on the ground and his body completely motionless while they continue speaking.

“We are combing the sector for a ship with as many men as we can afford to lose,” the trooper in red says, but his voice filter is shattered and now sounds like a puny little droid with a broken voice box, “but our numbers are unimpressive.  Assistance may be required.”

It’s too late, Din thinks, mouth twitching under the beskar with a satisfied smirk.  They’re wasting their time, looking for a ghost.  You’re both long gone by now.  They’ve got no idea you even exist—

“He also spoke of a girl.”

And then he feels his heart stop in his chest.  Every single cell in his body turns to fire, it’s a fucking miracle he doesn’t move a muscle in response.  His sweet girl, the one so far removed from the nightmare of the Empire that she made best friends with the orphans of it.  How the fuck did he know?  He shouldn’t even be breathing, let alone gathering information about you, how did he know?

But then Din thinks back, remembering your makeshift bed on the floor, your panicked eyes and heaving chest as the quarry taunted him with a sick little smile.  Who’s this, Mando?  She’s just darling, isn’t she?  Does Gideon know your crew has a lovely new addition?

“A girl?”

The trooper nods.  “Moff Gideon insisted that if the Mandalorian did not have a child with him, then a girl would likely be protecting him instead.”

He’s going to kill them, Din decides.  Every single one of these imperial pigs, every single soldier standing right now is a dead fucking man.  The blood pumping through his body suddenly turns to acid, deadly black hate poisoning his soul.  His heartbeat morphs into a war drum, the armor strapped to his limbs is the barrel of a gun.  He’s going to fucking kill them and leave an imperial base full of bodies to greet his old nemesis upon his return, and he’s going to enjoy every single second of it.

Except, then—

“Mando?”  The sweetest voice in existence suddenly crackles through the earpiece under his helmet.  “I’m coming to get you.  Less than a minute to your location, do everything you can to get outside.  If you can’t, I’ll just… uh.  Figure something else out.”

And, as Din kneels there in surrender, surrounded by a crowd of enemies he thought he destroyed long ago, all the anger—all the fury and defiance and murder surging through his veins—suddenly morphs to fear.

The emotion is so foreign and old to him, it feels like a face he barely recognizes and a name he can’t remember.  He’s panicked before.  He’s been in situations where a threat has made him blind with rage, he knows what it’s like to look death straight in the eyes and say that he’s busy and to come back another time.  This is different.  This is ice cold that freezes over beskar.

He can’t speak out loud to warn you—he can’t move his hands to press the button on the back of his helmet and allow him to talk without detection.  There’s plasma turrets on the roof of the base, he can see them right now.  The helmet’s scanners say they’re manned and engaged, and though he is outside and this is how you retrieved him before whenever he needed a quick escape, he has fifty fucking imperial blasters trained on him and you know absolutely nothing about this threat.  You’re flying right into a war zone and if either you or his son dies, he won’t ever be able to forgive himself.

Behind the helmet, his eyes fly to each and every trooper, wondering which blaster will be the one to do it.  Which weapon is going to be the one he can’t block in time when you descend, the one that’ll kill him right in front of you.  Which turret will be the one to obliterate the Crest with you and his son inside of it.

“Maker, where are those fucking binders—” he hears someone behind him snarl, but the white noise of pure terror roaring through his ears drowns them out.  His chest starts heaving against his will, sheer panic begins to blur his vision.  For the first time in his life, his armor feels too heavy, his lungs feel like one of these boulders are sitting on them instead of beskar.

All too soon, his helmet starts making a familiar sound that signals quietly in his ear, alerting him of an incoming ship, and the only thing he can physically do is count down the seconds to prepare himself for what is to come.

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two…

Like lightning, Din breaks the grip of multiple troopers and surges up, tackling the officer in red to the ground.  There’s a clatter as they both slam into the rocky floor, but in the ensuing scuffle, he easily snatches the thermal detonator from his side holster and holds it up for everyone to see, before pressing the red button on the front and hearing it begin to beep rapidly.

---

You’re right on time.

The Crest rises up through the rocky cliffs surrounding the base and you spot the turrets you were warned about.  Weapons controls are already engaged and you’re too low to be detected by radar—you fire once, twice, and blast both of them to smithereens from behind before they can even rotate around to target you.

Alarms start wailing but the guns are destroyed.  It’s not comforting, though; blasters won’t touch you up here, but that doesn’t mean they can’t fire at Din on the ground.  Your eyes dart across the sea of white, looking for a flash of silver anywhere, and then you spot him instantly in the chaos.

For some reason, the troopers in his vicinity all seem to be bolting away from him.  Their rifles are down, clutched in their hands while they nearly fall over each other to run away as fast as possible, and your heart soars when you spot his jetpack firing up.  Din launches into the sky while another trooper is revealed underneath him, seeming to juggle something in his hands and then throw it into the crowd of retreating soldiers, but the sight of the man you love rising into the air while a flurry of blaster shots from the far edges of the imperial structure follow him gives you the confidence to immediately turn the guns down towards the horde of troopers.

“Which ones are in charge?”  You ask Oshua breathlessly, who leans forward and points out the transparisteel.

“Red pauldrons—” he barely has time to say it before you aim and fire at one of the troopers wearing red that was closest to Din, the plasma beam launching from the Crest so powerful and devastating that it outright obliterates the surface he’s laying on.  Pieces of shattered armor fly and a smoking crater of rubble is all that’s left behind, but your mind is whirling and you’re already onto someone else wearing red at the edges of the complex, and then two more near the doors, and then another—

To their credit, you think the sixty or so soldiers in training seem to figure out that you’re not aiming into the enormous collection of them.  If you were, the damage would be catastrophic and spraying everywhere, but you’re precise and meticulous with your shots, and the only ones who are loyal enough to the cause to hold still and raise their blasters at the incoming threat tend to be the ones you need to mow down anyways.  The rest of them scatter in all directions, scrambling over each other to escape and then disappearing into the distant boulders surrounding the base—but you notice that not a single one of them runs back inside the safety of its open doors.

The hull dips with the weight of Din dropping in, and relief floods your soul even as you continue raining hell down on the superiors in charge.  Any flash of color you see is a target, your eyes lose focus of everything, your vision blurs and turns monochrome as you just search for red.

“Lift up!”  You hear Din’s voice roar from the hull.  You can hear his rifle unloading through the open door.  “Now!  We have to go now!”

You press the button to shut the hull door with Din inside and punch it, rising so fast that the shove of gravity makes it difficult to keep your head up.  Through the sudden surge of downward force, you just barely manage to raise your incredibly heavy arm to push the button that pressurizes the Crest and ignites the launch boosters, preparing the vessel for space travel.  Outside the transparisteel, the gray sky begins darkening as the atmosphere eventually disappears.  The ship’s engines roar, burning so much fuel at once that you’re actually accelerating through the climb, you’re boosting through the gradual ease of gravity as the planet’s curvature and glow becomes softer and softer below you.

As soon as the blackness of space begins to fill the windows, the slight subsiding of force allows you to plug in the coordinates for Nevarro with less difficulty, but you’re still moving, still rising, still escaping.  You can’t find it within yourself to slow down, but then something catches your attention.

Claws suddenly dig sharp into your thigh, sharp enough to sting and cause you to wince, and you look down to see that the kid has gone incredibly tense.  Deadly tense.  Your heart is still pounding even though you’re away from danger, you’ve got Din in the hull, everyone is safe, and yet—

It flickers into existence all at once.  One second it’s just space, just the endless depths of nothingness spread out for light years in front of you, and within the blink of an eye it’s suddenly there.

A star destroyer.

Your body freezes in horrified awe, having never seen a ship so fucking big in your entire life.  It looks like a massive satellite, the size of an enormous asteroid instantly appearing in your vision and dwarfing the vastness of space around it.  All the stars you used to dream about are suddenly blotted out within a fraction of a second, terror so immense seizes your soul that you stop thinking.  You stop calculating, you stop being yourself for a split second that lasts an entire lifetime.

Before you can move a single muscle, the computer beeps quickly and lurches the Crest into hyperspace.

---

The stars streak across the transparisteel like so many times before.  Utter silence nearly deafens you with how abrupt it is after so much noise, but the peace it used to bring does nothing to quell your fear.  Everything is the same as it always was, same bursts of light as you hurdle faster than it towards Nevarro, same quiet, same rumbling hum of the ship.  But now, everything has changed.

You hear the quarry next to you suddenly inhale and exhale loudly, and it shocks you a little bit, reminds you that there’s a person next to you and another is on your lap.  Other people exist outside of the vision of death that just flickered out of existence just as quickly as it appeared.  They’re breathing, Oshua is shakily unbuckling his seatbelt, life is continuing on in the quiet cockpit but you can’t seem to move like he is.  You can’t seem to breathe like he is.  It’s only when the baby slowly maneuvers himself around on your thigh and blinks up at you, placing a tiny hand on your stomach that you finally feel air enter your lungs.

After a moment, you reach down and click open your seatbelt with trembling fingers, scooping the kid up in your arms and slowly attempting to stand.  Everything feels wobbly and dreamlike, you have to brace yourself on the headrest to prevent yourself from falling back into the chair again.

“That was…” Ryler mutters, his voice sounding foggy and distant, “uh.  A close one.”

You look over at him, recognizing that he’s speaking but not quite able to understand the words right now.  Red catches in your vision, and you blink down at the way he’s clutching his left shoulder, the smear of blood darkening the white armor he’s wearing.  You blink a few more times at the sight of it, and though it feels like you normally would be sickened at the wound, somehow shocked out of your state of shock, it does nothing to you.  When you look back up at his face, his expression seems strangely grateful, even when it’s screwed up in what you know must be excruciating pain.    You did that, a quiet voice whispers in your mind, even though the rest of it seems incredibly blank.

Instead of responding, you stumble a few steps over to the ladder, spinning around and hesitating for a moment.  You’re severely lacking in coherent thought, but one thing seems to break through.  You’re not sure if you have enough coordination to do this safely right now.  However, when there’s movement in your peripheral and you look to see Oshua gently offering his right arm to you, seeming to understand you’d like to use both hands for this, you snap back to your senses just the slightest bit and hug the baby tighter to your chest.  Carefully, you begin making the slow climb down the ladder with the kid, still trembling with the aftershocks of adrenaline.  Your limbs feel extra heavy, but eventually the floor meets your feet.

Din is standing there when you slowly turn around, armor gleaming and still as a statue, but he has his back to you.  His helmet is tilted down at the ground, and when you follow his gaze, you’re met with the sight of the bloodstains of dragged bodies that leave dark red streaks all the way up the ramp.

You feel something this time.  It’s… cold.  A burning, searing cold that creeps into your skin.  Like your heart decides to pump nitrogen through your chest instead of warm blood.  You did that.

There’s a sudden urge inside of you to speak, to address him and inform him of your presence, tell him everything is okay, everything worked out, but you can’t find it in yourself to say a single word.  You can’t find a single word to say.  The kid twists as best he can in your clutch, his ears drag against your chest to greet his father, but for some reason, there’s still a strange sense of fear in your bones.  It’s enough to wake you up slightly, it’s enough to tell you it’s not over yet.  There’s a terror in your heart that hasn’t left since he first called over the comm and begged you to run, a crippling dread that you thought climaxed after seeing that star destroyer appear, but it’s somehow only increased after laying eyes on him like this.

You watch as his helmet turns, slowly meeting the pauldron on his shoulder, and for some reason, you feel yourself harden.  Your feet brace against the metal floor like this is another threat you have to face, you let its unyielding metallic strength transfer up through the souls of your boots to your heart in your chest.

But the second you hear cheap white armor clatter as the quarry steps down the ladder behind you, Din bursts into movement.  He suddenly spins and storms up to you in one single step while catching your holstered blaster on your hip.  It’s out and aimed in the blink of an eye, and it’s a miracle you remember how to speak before he remembers how to kill.

“Mando—” you warn, just in time for the quarry to land on the floor of the hull and turn around to reveal his face.

Din holds there for a second, his helmet locked on Oshua’s features.  His gloved fingers twitch wildly on the trigger of your gun held over your shoulder, like he has to remind himself multiple times not to.  You hear Oshua’s armor clack while he likely raises one good arm in surrender, but then Din’s helmet moves a fraction of a millimeter to your face and holds there.  He just stares down at you, and the air feels heavy, your body feels heavy, the feather light child in your arms feels heavy.

Slowly, he lowers his arm, lets it fall while he continues looking at you from behind the visor.  You look back at him, unblinking, unfeeling, and there’s a few seconds that last an utter eternity where nobody moves.  Nobody speaks, nothing happens, but then a soft coo comes from your arms before you can finally break eye contact, knowing there are still some things that need to be done.

You eventually turn around and lift your chin to address Oshua.

“You have to go into carbonite,” you inform him quietly.  Your voice sounds strange, like it’s coming from outside of yourself.  “We’re taking you to Nevarro, and then you’ll be transported to your home planet. When they unfreeze you, your sister will be there to collect you.”

He looks uncertain, one hand still raised while the other hangs uselessly at his side, and you don’t blame him.

But you also don’t feel like saying anymore, not unless he decides he doesn’t want to go in willingly.  Normally you might’ve tried to empathize, offer him further reassurance beyond just a couple short sentences, but you don’t.  Speaking feels difficult, thinking feels difficult.  You’re still in survival mode, not active but reactive.  There’s also no reason for you to lie to him about this, and you can see him glance at Din standing silently behind you, who hasn’t moved a muscle.

He eventually nods and you walk him over to the chamber without another word, watch him turn to face you as he backs into the opening while you reach up towards the control panel.

But then there’s a moment.  One where you hesitate slightly, one where your vision flashes back to the sight of those bloodstains on the floor, and that burning cold fills you again, so cold it feels completely numb.

“I’m… sorry,” you whisper quietly to him, though your voice sounds so empty.  There’s so much emotion that should be there but isn’t, so much regret and pain that should break through but can’t.  “I’m sorry I… killed your friends.”

Later, you’ll think about how you felt absolutely nothing saying it.  Your heart doesn’t constrict with remorse at the mere words leaving your mouth, guilt doesn’t flood into your soul, pain doesn’t wrack through your bones.  You could’ve been saying anything at all and nobody would be able to tell the difference.

He blinks at you, flicking his eyes between yours for a second or two, but then you press the proper button and watch the gas quickly freeze him where he stands.  He’ll be conscious the entire time, but Karga will send him to the correct location and you have no doubt that this elemental purgatory is leagues better than where he just escaped from.  It’s a benefit being the last quarry to be retrieved—he’ll only have to spend a few days trapped in here before being reunited with his family.

When that’s done and Oshua is a complete statue in front of you, bulky white armor now colored a dull metallic gray and frozen in time, you will yourself to finally turn around to face the enormous mountain of a presence behind you.  The baby gently reaches out for him, but Din doesn’t move from where he’s stood.  Your blaster is still clutched tightly in his hand, and he isn’t looking at you.

Slowly, you walk over and stop directly in front of him in the middle of the hull, blinking at him while the helmet subtly moves to lock onto your face.  The kid begins wiggling in your arms, making soft impatient noises while you both stand in complete silence across from each other.

After a few moments, you hear him flick your blaster’s safety on by his side and then toss it carelessly to the ground.  It skids along the floor, light enough to be mostly quiet.  Gloves reach out as he carefully takes the kid from you and settles him in the crook of one arm, and then he looks you up and down, still not saying anything.

Your eyes follow his movement, watching his arm slowly reaching out to you, and you think he’s going to cup your jaw, or brush your hair back.  Give you some sort of physical reassurance since he hasn’t spoken a single word of it.

Instead, Din suddenly grabs the armor clinging to your chest and starts ripping it off you with one hand.  It clangs to the floor so loudly in the silence of hyperspace, the kid’s ears twitch and flutter with each shattering bang.  You hold still while he does it, you barely respond except the unavoidable movement your body experiences as the pauldron is yanked from your shoulder and thrown against the ground.  The ammo belt is tugged over your head and hurled away, the thigh braces are snatched from your legs and they clang to the floor, and the pearly, opalescent fabric revealed underneath is stained in dead man’s blood, rusty and in such great quantities that it shows up as brown instead of red.

“Are you hurt?”

He sounds… dead.  So monotonic that you can’t possibly gauge his emotional state.  He doesn’t move.   His fists don’t clench, he says every single word like it means the same exact thing as the last.  If nothing at all was a person who could speak, they’d use his tone of voice.

“No,” you eventually whisper.

The helmet nods once, and then he spins around and walks away without anything else.  Without saying anything, without touching you, or double checking you for injuries in case you were lying.  You stand utterly still while Din climbs the ladder with the kid cradled in one arm, and you don’t even flinch when the door to the cockpit slides shut behind him.  You have no idea how long you stand there in the splitting silence afterwards, numb and unmoving.

You feel… nothing.  Absolutely nothing.

The hard defenses you strapped to yourself today to reconcile the things you had to do are still high and strong, guarding your soul even if he stripped away your physical armor.  Self preservation is still animating your body, and your facial expression barely changes.  Your first thought, as soon as you remember that you can have one, is that there are things that still need to be done.  Tasks to complete.

Alone, you shower the lingering traces of blood off your body, the normally clear and refreshing water running a sickly, toxic brown.  Alone, your stomach rolls and suddenly decides to empty itself of the very little that was in it as the scalding drops rain down over you—mostly liquid and bile that easily rinses down the drain.  The water is too warm, it beats down on you like blazing hot sand pelting your skin in the desert.  You feel like you did those first few months with Din, where the silence was suffocating, where you’d only interact with the baby if he was on a hunt or if you could tell he didn’t know how to calm him when he was fussy.  If you were in hyperspace, you usually spent time by yourself in the hull while he lived in the cockpit, and if he decided he needed to be in the hull for whatever reason, then you’d trade places with him.  It was… isolating.  Lonely by yourself.  The quiet used to haunt you before it became your cherished friend, but now it’s a betrayer, a ghost that whispers memories and nightmares in your ears.

When you finally finish rinsing the blood from your skin and get dressed, you see the sheets that used to make up your bed now have fried holes in them from your charred plasma marks, the inside of the hull is covered in them and the trails of dried blood where you dragged the bodies down the ramp.  Your armor is still strewn about the hull, the kid’s hovering shield lays dead in the corner.  Everything you meticulously cleaned and organized and collected and created, now the scene of a bloodbath.  One committed by your hand, your blaster still laying uselessly on the floor forever linked to this atrocity.

You spare a glance towards the ladder, but you don’t want to come face to face with Din yet.  You already knew he’d be furious, but… you had hoped that he’d at least…

What?  At least what?  Comfort you?  Coddle you after you deliberately ignored his instructions?  What exactly, in the past year or so of learning Din’s inner workings and intricacies, would ever give you the impression that he’d come give you a big hug after you purposefully defied him?  You flew the kid directly into an imperial base after being told to protect him, you ignored every order he gave to you in the moments he thought would be his last, and though you did it to save his life, you have a feeling that Din has never valued his life even a fraction of what you do.

The misery stabs at your soul, but your mind is finally beginning to process things logically.  He’s alive, the kid is alive, the quarry is secure, and you’re all onboard the safety of this ship hurtling through hyperspace where nobody, not even the Empire, can touch you.  You weighed the consequences before making your decision, you did what you had to do.  If he wants to be mad, then he can fucking well be mad and you’ll find some way to comfort yourself.  At least he’s here being mad, at least he’s alive and safe and breathing and mad, and your rare act of disobedience is to thank for that.

Somewhere in the back of your mind, you realize it’s probably easier than it should be to reconcile the punishment.  Right now, you welcome the exclusion, the negativity and sorrow beating itself into your soul.  Four innocent people died today on this ship, gunned down under your blaster while they panicked and ran for cover.  You keep hearing their screams.

So you start to clean up the hull, needing another task to focus your thoughts on.  You work to erase every inch of the evidence of your deeds, make it disappear like the pool of blood Din once cleaned up while you were sleeping and never acknowledged again.  You only allow the bloodstains to fuck with your head for a single moment, and then you swallow back the nausea until you’re a blank slate again and sink to your knees with a rag in your hand.  After that, your vision stops focusing and it just becomes red contrasting against gunmetal gray, and you work tirelessly to get rid of all remaining traces of it.

Then you start on the blaster marks, you need them gone.  After a few informed attempts at mixing cleaning chemicals, you find one concoction that allows you to wipe them away like they’re nothing more than dirt that got tracked in.  The Crest’s oxygen recycling system works overdrive to constantly purify the air so you don’t get high or pass out, but your nose still stings.  It’s fine, it’s sterile, it burns a bit but it smells sharp and metallic and keeps you hyper focused on the task at hand.

After that’s done, you pick up the charred blankets and ball them up to throw into the trash vent.  You don’t feel anything as you do it.  You don’t think about how long it took you to collect these over months and months of being stuck on this ship, how comfortable they were when everything else was industrial and rigid, how many nights you spent with Din curled up in their softness while he breathed easy and warm.  Sheets are just luxuries, they can afford to be lost.

Next, you gather your armor and wipe it down with the rag, put it away along with your blaster.  The stained robe goes in the trash, along with the sheets and the blood soaked cloth you used to clean everything.  They’re all ruined, you’ll never be able to make them right again.

The hull is sparkling clean when you decide to take another shower.  Nothing on you is dirty except your hands, but you feel filthy.  Wrong, cold, numb, cold, stained, cold.

After scrubbing your skin raw under the water and changing clothes again, since you don’t really know what to do with yourself anymore, you slowly climb the ladder to the cockpit, keeping perfectly silent.  When you reach the upper platform and come face to face with the closed door, you can just barely hear Din’s whispered voice speaking quietly to the baby beyond it.

You raise your hand for a moment, hovering your knuckles over the metal, but then it eventually falls.  Instead, you look over and spot the corner, the same corner Din bunched himself into when he snapped at you for even suggesting going on a hunt with him, blew up at you for the mere notion of something happening like what happened today.  You back yourself into it in defeat and slowly sink down on the floor, resting your head against the metal and hugging your knees to your chest since you don’t have a tiny baby to take their place.

You can’t sleep.  You don’t even try, it’s pointless.  The concept feels foreign the longer you sit here by yourself.  You don’t hear Din or the baby anymore, but you feel… so fucking awful that it’s fitting that you don’t knock or go looking.  You don’t want to hold that sweet child with hands that were covered in blood just a few hours ago.  You killed more people than you can count on your fingers today, and of the ones who had done nothing wrong…  They screamed like younglings, ducked for cover and were able to fire off one single useless shot in the mayhem before you closed their eyes forever and left their bodies to rot in armor that wasn’t ever their choice to wear.

You didn’t know they were kidnapped and smuggled and forced into that situation.  You couldn’t have known, but that isn’t the point.  In this case, knowing doesn’t make one bit of difference.

You also can’t face Din yet, not like this.  You don’t want him to see you cowering, shattered with guilt over the decisions you made under pressure.  How will you ever get him to forgive you for not listening to him when you can’t even forgive yourself for the result of your choices?  Din is a hardened man who grew up in blasterfire and bloodshed, just because you love him doesn’t mean he’s going to magically become someone he isn’t.  You’re here letting guilt sink sharp claws into your chest over four dead men when he had a good fifty or more corpses scattered on the battlefield around him.  You decided to wear that armor, you decided to fly into an imperial base with the kid on your lap, and this is now your penance.  You’ll accept it with your back straight and your chin held high.

Figuratively, of course.  Physically, you’re smaller than you’ve ever been.  Crumpled up into a ball, taking up as little space as possible, curling up as tight as you can like an animal protecting all your vulnerable parts during a brutal attack.

So, since he isn’t here to comfort you himself, you just try to think about what he would tell you.  A long time ago, what would he tell you?

Din would tell you… that you killed someone.  Multiple people, this time.  He’d also tell you that it doesn’t matter what he tells you, what you could have reasonably foreseen or what you should have done.  The end result won’t change.  You own this now.  You’ll carry their deaths with you.

You take a few deep breaths, self-soothing with the undeniable truth that would be murmured matter of factly from his quiet voice.  He wouldn’t argue with you.  He wouldn’t deny the decisions you made or the consequences of them.  It happened, and at the end of the day, you either learn how to handle that, or you don’t.

And, for the four you did shoot, you were responsible for freeing ten times that amount.  You’re responsible for reuniting Oshua Ryler with his family, even if your place in yours is momentarily shunned.  You’d rather be out here alone than in there with the kid, wondering where his dad is or if he’s even still alive.  You rescued Din and now he gets to be here to shut this door on you, hold his son, and whisper calm reassurances to him.  If you listen really hard and imagine, you can pretend they’re for you, too.

That’s it.  Focus on them both, alive and well together.  Focus on the bodies wearing white armor that were moving, the ones that were bolting away from the imperial training base as fast as they could, free from the torture of imprisonment and conditioning.

Finally, you close your eyes and slip into unconsciousness.  It’s not a testament to your exhaustion, but rather just how long you’ve been left to sit here by yourself.  Hours, maybe.  Time is strange in hyperspace.

You dream of a faceless man ringing bells.

---

When you wake up, a small baby has been placed in your arms, and you’re being dragged into a strong, secure beskar hold on the floor.

“Din,” you suddenly lift your head as soon as you’re conscious and nearly bonk it into solid metal, apologies rising in your throat before you even remember where you are.  You did what needed to be done to keep your family alive and together and you’d do it a thousand times again if necessary, but that doesn’t mean you won’t apologize anyways.  After the deeds you’ve committed today, regret feels as natural on your lips as speaking your own name.  “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I know you’re mad at me but I—”

“Shh,” he whispers, running his gloves through your hair.  He’s still wearing his helmet, he hasn’t taken anything off yet.  “Don’t say anything.  Just… stay here, stay right here with me.”

“I tried to save you,” you croak, tears instantly flooding your eyes.  You did save him.  You saved him and the baby and yourself but you’re so physically and emotionally exhausted that all you can recall is your intent.  “I tried.  Wasn’t gonna leave you there by yourself.  I tried to be brave, like you—y-you wouldn’t have left without me.”

His arms tighten around you, cradling you in such a strong embrace that you burrow into him, you find a place for your head on the hard metal strapped to him and bury yourself there, wishing that you had shovels of dirt being piled on you to justify the death you still feel staining your soul.  Your heart is starting to pound now that you’re remembering, your body is starting to shake with tremors of shock now that you’re aware of your own skin again.

“I was so sc-scared, Din, I didn’t—didn’t know what was happening,” you lament through watery eyes, gasping it out in hopes that it’ll relieve the slightest bit of the gut wrenching guilt just mercilessly crushing you.  It caught you before you could protect yourself against it, that armor you built around yourself isn’t on when you first wake up.  “I-I didn’t want to kill them, but they were already on the ship and y-you said—you said they were coming after the kid s-so I had to, I had to—”

“Stop,” Din whispers, voice so quiet that you can barely hear him.

“I-I cleaned up the blood,” you turn your face against the cold beskar to let all the positives you listed for yourself before scrape across your throat.  They don’t sound comforting anymore, they just sound like excuses.  “It’s gone, it’s like it never happened, everything is okay now, I got the quarry, I protected the baby, I saved a bunch of people, you’re both safe—”

“Stop,” he chokes out.  The modulator cuts off before you can hear his next breath, but you feel it shudder under your body.  “St-Stop it, please.”

Your eyes clench shut so tightly you feel like the streaking stars outside are behind them, tears drop down against his pauldron and you press your face tighter to it like it’s a wound, like the pressure will somehow ease the bleeding.

“Listen to me,” he says very quietly, and you instantly brace yourself.  The walls you just let down shoot right back up, your body physically tightens in preparation for another pain, another trauma, another scar you’ll carry, and you stop shaking.  You stop breathing, even when his hand comes up to ease your face away from his armor.

“You,” he whispers, holding your chin so you’re staring right at him, and your eyes flick fearfully in between his behind the visor, “are a sweet girl.”  Din’s leather thumb brushes along your skin, dragging over the tears below your puffy eyes.  “Not,” his voice catches, “a Mandalorian.”

Your heart goes cold.  Again, everything turns numb.  It doesn’t matter that you already said this yourself out loud earlier today.  It doesn’t matter that you acknowledged this fact, verbally insisted it more than once to hammer home the truth and felt some sense of comfort in it.  For some reason, hearing the words from his mouth is a fucking knife to your chest.

“I taught you how to fight, how to shoot a blaster,” he murmurs, thumb catching every single tear that continues to fall as he speaks.  “I taught you everything I know, everything that’s been taught to me.  I taught you how to defend yourself, how to protect yourself when you’re in danger.  I gave you your blaster, I gave you my armor, I gave you everything I could give you to keep you safe.  And when I thought you were ready, I let you loose on Sanctuary II.  Do you know why I did that?”  The helmet tips forward the slightest bit at the question, probing deep into the most shattered part of your heart.  “After all those months of fighting, and shooting, and training, do you know why I told you to run?”

You blink silently at him, a shaky breath quaking through you, and your expression wants to crumple under the reprimand.  You’re so fragile right now, taking hit after hit after hit to the softest parts inside you, and you want to just give up.  Let the guilt and remorse take you, let it wash you away.  But then, instead…

There’s a flicker of something inside you.  Something strong, endlessly strong, and it makes you want to revolt against what he’s saying.  It replaces the hurt and fear and desperation for comfort with a strange sense of insurgence, like it did earlier when you were hiding behind a boulder, cowering and trembling and not wanting to die.  You’re filled with a quiet urge to defend yourself in the face of this, stand up for yourself and refuse to be beaten down any longer.

“Because you needed to know how to escape danger,” he answers himself when you don’t.  “You needed to know how to disappear, how to outsmart any pursuer and find safety, even the trained ones.  Especially the trained ones.  Anything else was meant to be your last resort.  Not your choice.  Not something you chose.”

“I couldn’t leave you,” you admit to him quietly, voice shaky and tears still coming even as you try to speak up for yourself.  The regret you carry has nothing to do with this, and you decide right now that you won’t feel bad for saving him.  Your hurt comes from the meaningless things, the ones without any need whatsoever, not the necessary ones, and you tried.  You repeated his words to yourself over and over again, told yourself to run, told yourself to get to Nevarro, and it wasn’t going to happen.  “I couldn’t do it.  It wasn’t a choice.”

“It was,” he tells you.  He says it softly, whispers it like it’s the gentlest thing in the world, but the power and inherent distance of the armor strapped to his body finds its way into the words.  “And it was the wrong one.”

“What was I supposed to do?”  You ask, just a hint of that rebellion swimming to the surface now, rising out of the waves of self doubt, the one that feels like a spine growing in your back, an energy coursing through your veins that makes your heart start to beat faster.  Din’s hand slowly drops from your cheek but you don’t care.  “Was I supposed to run away and just let you die?”

“Yes.”  It’s quick and blunt and completely emotionless.  Delivered like a punch to the vulnerable parts of yourself he taught you how to protect, and the utter silence following this single word is comparable to the physical pain you learned to defend against.  It jabs hard against everything good and sweet and tender inside of you, and you’re left speechless even as he continues impassively.  “That’s exactly what you were supposed to do.”

It takes a second, but then that unfamiliar feeling suddenly surges up, breaches with the power of an entire ocean.  Your voices may be nothing more than whispers in the dark, you may be clinging to each other, holding each other with the softest, gentlest love in your hearts, but the strength of your conviction on this would rip metal apart.

“No.”  The word holds the might of your entire being, and it stands alone and defiant in the face of everything you fear, everything that threatens you, him, and this child.  Never.  You’ll die before that happens.  “I love you, and there’s nothing in this galaxy that would ever make me do that.  Not fear, not danger, not the Empire, nothing.  Not even you.”

Din stares at you.  His visor reflects your hardened expression back to you, the force in your soul and the purpose in your eyes, and you don’t even realize the gravity of what you just said because like your love for him, gravity is a constant.  It’s a fundamental truth cemented into the rules that govern your actions and it stays true no matter where you are, no matter what terror you face, or how scared you become.  You have him, you have this little boy in your arms, and if that’s all you have, then you have everything.

After an eternity of this, of feeling his eyes pierce deep into you from behind the helmet while you refuse to wither under his stare, you watch him slowly turn and look down, landing on the sleepy child tucked between you both.  He holds there for a long time, before finally whispering, so quiet that the modulator barely picks it up, “It was the wrong choice.”

You stay quiet.  It happened.  What’s done is done, you can’t change the past.  He can scold and reprimand you about this as much as he wants, but you did the right thing and that decision is the only reason he’s even here to be able to do so.  This exhausted child was reunited with his father because of your choices, and this exhausted father was reunited with his child.  You won’t argue anymore, but it’s a certitude that lives deep in your heart now, builds a home there right alongside the both of them.  Din eventually looks up, his eyes find yours again behind the visor, and his hand rises once more to gently cup your jaw.

“I… thought I’d enjoy seeing you in my armor,” Din finally whispers.  It’s not what you expected, but his voice sounds… weak.  Broken.  “You wore mine once before, and it was…”  He brushes his thumb along your cheek, and then his head shakes slightly, pushing the thought away.  “It wasn’t real.  It didn’t fit.  It dwarfed you, it made you look out of place, it made everything soft and innocent about you stand out.  I liked it because it wasn’t real.”

“Was it… really that bad?”  You whisper back, partially to ease the tension just slightly but quickly breaking eye contact with him when you realize it doesn’t land correctly, it just sounds self conscious and sad.  You try to find that conviction again, that strength and assurance that propped you up so sturdily before, but…  Not a Mandalorian, he’d said.  Of course not.  Of course not.

“It wasn’t the armor.”  Din gently tugs up on your face so that you look at him again.  “It was you covered in blood.  It was you purposefully putting yourself in danger.  You killed multiple armed soldiers of the Empire, you dragged their bodies off the ship.  And then you flew into an imperial base, where you killed the officers, too.  You…”  He shakes his head slowly at you while speaking, and although you can’t see his face, you don’t need to in order to hear the horror in his voice.   “You… collected a quarry… in the middle of a massacre, sweet girl.”

Not a Mandalorian.

“You don’t chase down bounties,” he tells you.  “You don’t fly into war zones.  You don’t kill imperials, you don’t collect quarries, you don’t sacrifice yourself, or our son, to save me.  You said you tried to be brave… like me.”  His fingers tighten against your cheek, he dips his helmet to make sure you understand.  “I’ll never ask you to be brave.  I’ll ask you to survive.”

“I’m… sorry,” you finally whisper, and his arm drops from your cheek to join the other in wrapping around you and holding tight.  They hug you and squeeze, encasing you and the baby in a beskar shield and staying there for a long time.  Long enough for you to tuck your head back into its proper place under his helmet, long enough to start to feel okay with the silence again.  It brutalized you the last time you were surrounded by it, it made you feel alone and desolate and barren inside.  You greet it warily now, settling into it for an unknown amount of time until it’s forgiven once more.

After a while, Din quietly breaks it.

“How many?”  He murmurs to you.  You already know exactly what he’s asking, there's no more clarification necessary on his behalf.

You slowly close your eyes and think back to the smoldering craters, the blood soaked ramp, the fear in Oshua Ryler’s eyes as he begged you not to kill him.

“That didn’t deserve it?”  You ask, clenching your eyes tighter at the memory.  “Four.”

And maybe, maybe six or eight months ago, you would’ve begged for some guidance on how to reconcile that.  Hell, maybe a few hours ago, you could’ve used his arms around you exactly like this, his low voice repeating the same things he’s already told you before, over and over again, if only for some semblance of stability when everything feels turbulent and uncertain.  You’ll never be able to change it, though.  This belongs to you now.

This time, all Din says is, “I’m sorry, too.”

And that covers everything.

The silence envelops you both again, but… there’s something else.  Something that still sits deep in your worries, an image that isn’t a scar of what’s happened but a dread of what’s to come.  You need to tell him.  You don’t feel like saying it, you don’t want to speak it aloud for fear of bringing it into existence, but you need to tell him.

“Din?”  You breathe out, and he makes a soft noise in his throat while cuddling you on the floor.  “I saw…,” you whisper, every word sitting tight and reluctant in your throat.  “Right when we made the jump, I was looking through the window and I-I saw…”

“A star destroyer.”  He says it like… like it’s the worst thing in the world and also completely expected at the same time.  He says it like he already knew, yet can’t even imagine.  You lean every bit of your weight against him since you can’t hold him in return, squish him as best you can against the small corner and curl up even tighter in his arms for comfort.

He takes a deep breath, a shuddery sound you don’t think you’ve ever heard him make before.  It holds untold anxiety, unsaid conflict, uncertain action, an unknown path forward.

“I don’t know what to do,” Din eventually whispers to himself, to you, to the baby in your arms.  His voice is barely a breath through the modulator, his fingers digging into your skin with how many emotions he’s repressing.  “What do I do?”

He sounds so distressed that you automatically feel your soul find the floor—instantly, you become steady and calm and you locate all that rationality that kept you going today.  All your worries still twist deep down, all the guilt and the turmoil wrestles with your soft, easy nature until you can only find bits and pieces of it in the most vulnerable places inside you, but if he’s struggling this terribly, then the least you can do is offer some good, true, unwavering faith in times of uncertainty.  You’re in hyperspace, everything worked out, and it’s going to stay that way for right now.  If he doesn’t know how to talk about it yet, then you trust him enough to wait for him.

“It’ll be okay,” you tell him with a newfound confidence and purpose, carefully easing the baby into one arm so that the other can find its way to the other side of his helmet and pull him closer.  Din tucks his head and allows you to brush your lips against the metal, whisper the words soft and steady to him.  “We’ll figure it out together.”

---

@cptnbvcks thank you so much for the incredible art!

[kaleldobrev]

I Dream of You

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Fem!Reader

Summary: Dean dreams of a life with you, but do you?

Word Count: 1.7k

Warings: Couple Curses (4x), Mutual Pining, Fluff

Authors Note: I don’t know why, but I love writing some vulnerable fluffy Dean so much | If you liked this, don’t forget to like & reblog. I really appreciate it! Feedback is always welcome ♡

Dean rarely remembered his dreams if they weren’t some kind of nightmare; they were usually the most vivid, most reoccurring. On occasion though, he would get a dream that wasn’t full of bloodshed, loss, and torture. Those were his favorites, because they involved you and him having a life together; something he knew he’d never have.

His favorite dream involved you sitting in a rocking chair on the porch, a glass of iced tea sitting on the table next to you. You were reading one of those mystery novels you secretly loved, already half way done with the book even though you had just picked it up the night before. You were barefoot, and wearing one of his flannels – the color of it changed with every iteration of the dream. He was mowing the lawn, sweat dripping down his back and face, while you sat in the shade of the porch. He would catch you every so often peering over your book to watch him, quickly going back to looking at the pages when he caught you. When the two of you made extended eye contact you would mouth, “I love you” to him.

The dream was always too short, but it was enough for him. It was enough for him to want that: you, that life. But it was something he knew he’d never get. You were so close yet so far from this reach.

He woke up staring at the ceiling. The spot next to him was empty like it usually was, but sometimes he would dream of you sleeping there next to him. He had dreamed of waking up with his arms wrapped around you, kissing your shoulder, your neck, your cheek, your temple…your lips. “Good morning beautiful,” he would say to you, before you would smile and reply back, “Good morning handsome.” Dean clutched the sheets of his bed, wanting that moment to be real.

Getting up from his bed he made his way to the kitchen, not even bothering to look at the time. Whatever the time, he was up now, and knew he wouldn’t be getting back to bed anytime soon.

Walking into the kitchen he saw you. Your hair was unbrushed and in your pajamas; on your laptop sitting cross-legged on the chair. Your water bottle sitting next to you on the table. You looked up at him and smiled. “Hey Dean. Can’t sleep either uh?” You asked.

Dean shook his head. “I don’t even know what time it is.” He admitted.

You looked down at your laptop and looked back to him again. “2:33.”

“Fuck.” Dean replied.

You unscrewed your bottle and took a sip as Dean came to take a seat across from you. “Did you have a nightmare? Or is it just one of those sleepless nights?” You asked. You knew Dean was very prone to nightmares, and you hated that he had them so often. He would always look so tired the next day, drained. You were accustomed to nightmares as well; this life would do that to you. When you had first met him, Dean denied having nightmares, saying that there was nothing that kept him up at night. But over the years, he began to confide in you all the nasty details and you would just listen. Telling him to be as graphic as he needed to be. You didn’t want him to hold back, especially if it was going to make him feel better. You knew how rough this life and nightmares could get. Like Dean, you too had grown up in the life.

“Sleepless night.” He replied. You were happy that it wasn’t a nightmare for once. “I want to sleep but have a lot on my mind.” His thoughts were of you.

“What’s on your mind?” You asked. You always asked what was on his mind. You were his best friend after all.

“Just thinkin’ about what life would be like if I stopped hunting.” At first, he was going to lie to you, tell you he had been thinking about all the things he needed to get done, or wanted to get done. But he knew you’d see right through him; you knew his tells.

“Oh yeah?” You were intrigued. Having these conversations with Dean were some of your favorites to have because you felt like you got to know another side of him, a deeper more gentle side. On the outside he looked slightly intimidating, rugged. But deep down, in reality, he was one of the nerdiest men you had ever met in your life who just wanted someone to love him the same way he loved them. For as long as you had known him, you had feelings for him. The feelings changed over the years from lust to love. You knew Dean didn’t feel the same way about you, and you were okay with that. You were happy to at least have him as a friend.

When you weren’t having nightmares, you were dreaming of a life with Dean. Dreaming about doing mundane things that old married couples do. Going grocery shopping, shopping for a new TV for the living room, or cooking one of your moms’ recipes. Your favorite dream that you had was the two of you in the kitchen. Baking supplies were on the island in front of you: bowls, measuring cups, cake mix, eggs. You had a notebook out with a cake recipe that you had wanted to recreate for a while but never got the chance to. You had started adding ingredients to the bowl when Dean would wrap his arms around you from behind, resting his chin on your shoulder. “Badass hunter turned baker who knew?” Dean would say to you before leaning in and giving you a kiss on the lips. The kiss was where it always ended; but that was all you needed. The dream was short, but it was one you cherished and never wanted to let go of. You knew you’d never get a life with Dean; he was so close yet so far from your reach.

“It’s just little things you know? Mowing the lawn, drinking a beer on the porch, watching a Jayhawks game on the TV.” He grinned for a moment. It’s just little things you know? Mowing the lawn with you watching me, you and I drinking a couple of beers on the porch, watching a Jayhawks game on the couch together. Is what he really wanted to say. All his plans involved having a life with you.

“Are you by yourself in these or…are you with someone?” You asked, a little afraid of the answer. You didn’t want to pry too much, but you were curious.

Dean thought about your question, unsure if he was willing to reveal the truth to you or not. You had been in his life for years, always being by his side no matter what he said or did. You were there when he had the Mark: being one of the only people to calm him down, you were there when he was a demon: being a somewhat willing prisoner when he took you away from the Bunker, you were there when he came back from being gone for months while he was possessed by Michael: being the only person he would talk to about it, not even Sam. He trusted you, more than anyone. Needed you more than anyone. He didn’t want to lose you. But he needed to be honest, maybe he could spin it to being friends if you had rejected him. “I’m with you.”

You felt your breath catch, your heart started beating fast. Tears started to well up in your eyes. You had no idea why you were emotional. “Really?” You couldn’t help but give him a soft smile.

“Really.” He looked at your face, trying to find some indication that you had felt the same way. He didn’t know if the smile or tears in your eyes were a good or bad thing. “Don’t cry Sweetheart.” He said, taking his thumb and wiping away a rogue tear that fell to your cheek.

“I’m just…I dream about that too actually.” If he was being honest, you might as well be honest too.

“Really?” Your comment took him by surprise. He had no idea that you had similar feelings. But it had made him feel better knowing.

You nodded. “Yeah. I uh, dream about the two of us doing mundane things together. Like going grocery shopping or watching some shitty horror movie on TV while we have Chinese take-out.”

“Like an old married couple?” Dean asked, slightly grinning. He had liked the sound of that: being an old married couple with you. His response made you laugh a little, being an old married couple were your exact words.

“Yeah, like an old married couple.” You replied.

“I have this, dream sometimes. You’re, you’re sitting on the porch reading one of those mystery novels you like, and I’m just mowing the lawn.” He paused for a moment, picturing the dream in his mind. “Sometimes, I would catch you peering from your book to look at me. And, one of those times, the two of us would lock eyes with each other and…”

“And what?”

“You’d…You’d mouth…Fuck.” He didn’t want to say it.

You gave him a confused look. “I’d mouth fuck?” That is not what you thought his dream would come to at all. You had thought that it would be more romantic than that.

Dean shook his head. “No, no. I. If I say it, there’s no going back.”

“No going back? Dean.” You rested your hand on top of his. “If you tell me, I’ll tell you.” You had a feeling about what his next words were going to be, why he seemed so afraid to say them. Three little words that would drastically change the relationship between the two of you.

Taking a deep breath Dean looked at you. “You’d mouth, I love you.” A part of him regretted saying it to you. But another part of him needed to say it to you. These feelings of wanting you, dreaming of being with you had plagued him for years.

A smile formed on your lips. “Do you ever say it back to me?”

He nodded. “Always.”

[starry-eyes-love]

Chapter 6- You're Forever Mine

Series Masterlist | Main Masterlist

Summary | Things finally boil to a steaming head between you and Joel. After much discussion Joel decides to spend the night sleeping next to you to help calm you. He reads you a steamy bedtime story and then holds you after you wake up from a horrible nightmare (please read warnings about nightmare below before reading). You get a major dark glimpse into the reader's past and how she met Joel (he's the savior in her story). 

Important Note:  This chapter has a lot of very graphic scenes that are mentioned that happen to the f!reader during a dreamstate nightmare flashback. If you don’t want to read about these types of details, then skip the flashback scene at the Boston QZ five years prior in the story.  You can still understand the story without reading the flashback scene. See warnings below. 

Words: 12.0 K (I’m not sorry)

“Baby, if you can’t see why, then I’ve really screwed up. If ya can't see why I want you darlin’, then I don’t deserve you in my life. I’m not Dave honey, I never have been, nor ever will be.  If you can’t see that then please honey, just let me go and see my daughter. I don’t want to be in a world where you think I’m a monster. Please.”

Warnings | 18+, Minors DNI for whole story

Flashback: Dark content during flashback with David (aka Dave): language, vio!ence, abu$e mentions several types, name calling, degrading references, death, b!ood and gore (please see note above, you have been warned this is very dark content). 

Rest of story: Smut, language, Joel begging (it deserves it’s own warning), heavy knife references, references to abuse, tension (a lot scattered about), Joel referencing death and death of his daughter, angst, f fingering, m handjob, a lot of smutty parts (you have been warned), use of the word ‘love’, Joel and the reader being an ass (hey it’s relationship dynamics), Joel reading smut out loud to F!Reader (yeah, we’re doing it), fluffy parts sprinkled in, breast feeding kink via smutty book read from Joel, size kink, daddy kink, age gap (not disclosed), body reference (without being too specific), g spot reference, name calling (baby, honey, little girl, etc.)…and I think that is it.  Finally the heat is turning up with these two. Enjoy :) 

Story

Joel was wound up tight, stressed, and not in a good way. This thing between the two of you was starting to boil to a head and he didn't like it. He hated this back and forth that was going on. He hated that he didn't know from one day to the next if he was going to scream at you for fucking up his life, even in the best possible way. Or if he was going to give in and fuck you, just to get out all of his pent up frustration.  God, he needed to relieve himself. It had been way too long, and this constant edging between the two of you was giving him the worst case of blue balls that he could ever imagine. He wanted to bury himself so badly inside of you, throw caution out of the window and give in to his body's needs to have you. That was what it was now, a deep rooted need to release all of his anxiety, anger, and pent up frustration of trying to be the good guy for you.

Joel wasn't a good man, he knew it. Sure, at one time he could be gentle, tender, and loving. He suspected that those emotions were still buried deep inside of him. But ever since the world went to shit, Joel had to survive. He had to kill people in order to survive, and he'll do it again if he must. But you, you were different. You were kind, soft, gentle, but also a fierce woman. There was no one on this Earth that Joel feared more than you, especially when you were pissed off at him. 

Joel saw first hand how you handled frustration. You'd bottle it up inside and then explode later. He'd seen how you’d kill people with your knife, how you'd keep stabbing them long after they were dead to release that anger that you had. An anger that he was just starting to understand. People wronged you in life, took your innocence far before they should have. This fact made Joel want to scream and see red whenever he thought about it. People had prayed upon you, took advantage of you at your weakest, and he wasn't ever going to let that happen again.

Joel also hated seeing you feel weak. It didn't bother him that you couldn't do everything, hell Joel couldn't grow plants, and yet here you were making it work slowly in the house. You had your strengths; the ability to find things hidden, anticipate things, and even take a mothering role with Ellie.  But one of your best abilities, Joel thought, was your ability to get underneath his goddamn skin and drive him crazy. This fact alone pissed him off, but also excited him because he loved your fire, attitude, and passion in life. The worst part, you knew you had this effect on him.

Joel was lost in thought, thinking about you when you were showing Ellie how to string together a bow and how to sharpen a knife. God, it turned him on to hear you direct her on how to stab and kill people.  He knew that you could survive in this world, even if he wasn’t around.  Most men wouldn’t like this type of independence or fierceness, but for Joel, this was the biggest turn on. The only thing that he wished for was for your nightmares to quit haunting you.

"And you turn it like this to secure it" you said to Ellie, showing Ellie how to finish attaching the string for a bow.

"That's so fucking cool y/n. Joel, you did a great job showing her this," Ellie said looking at the bow amazed.

"Not my doing Ellie, that's something she knew all on her own." Joel said, taking a slow sip of the whiskey that he was holding, a small find he got from the cellar outside.

"Seriously? You knew something Joel didn't?" Ellie asked, looking at you shocked. 

"Who do you think taught him how to thread it?" you said with a smirk.

Ellie glanced over at Joel, who started to blush and rub the back of his neck in embarrassment.  "Don't make fun of me darlin’" he said, shaking his head and laughing at how shocked Ellie looked that you had actually taught him how to do something. 

"But Joel, I thought you like knew everything," Ellie said, pushing his buttons on purpose.

"I don't know everything, never have kid. And you,” he said shaking a finger at you, “Stop that damn smiling and laughing over there." You were quietly sitting on the floor next to Ellie, softly laughing to yourself at Ellie's statement, watching her push Joel’s buttons. The amusement of this entire situation was just as much for your enjoyment as it was hers.

"Didn't say anything" you said, trying to keep a straight face, but failing miserably.

"Look here smartass, I may not know how to make what you're doing" he said waving his hand, jestering towards the bow. "But you better believe I know how to shoot that darn thing." And with that you stopped laughing and got up. Shooting a bow was always a touchy subject, one that Joel knew you had.

You walked to the kitchen and started washing your hands, not that you needed to, but it was something to do to get your hands to calm down at the memory. Joel could sense your unease as Ellie continued teasing him.  Joel was only half listening to her, the person he was paying attention to was you.  He saw the way your breathing spiked and became labored, he also saw how your hands were shaking when you went past him. At the sink he saw you vigorously rub your hands underneath the water, acting like you were trying to wash off the signs of blood, which he knew was yours that you were seeing and remembering. Damn it, he thought, she’s having another fucking flashback.

As Ellie continued talking, Joel stood up and approached you slowly in the kitchen. When he approached you and saw that you were still rubbing your hands fast together, scrubbing hard and not acknowledging him, he slowly wrapped his arms around you. He placed his hands on top of yours under the water and said "leave it baby. He's not here. Come on.”  Joel then shut off the water, took your hands that were still trembling, and turned you into his chest. As he slowly caged you in his arms he began to slowly rub his hand up and down your back, humming that little tune to you that he did all of those years before. 

What you didn't realize was that you were shaking so bad in Joel’s arms that Ellie had noticed.  Ellie approached the pair of you and said "Joel is she ok? She's shaking really bad and she looks like she's-"

"She's fine Ellie, don't worry” you heard Joel say. When you glanced up at him you felt a single tear leave your eye, and a horrible tremor went through your body at the memory of the last time you attempted to shoot a bow. “You're ok, shh I got you" Joel said, while tucking you gently back into his chest, and wrapping you up in his arms. “Just listen to my voice baby, just me” and then he began slowly humming that song to you again.  

As he continued to comfort you, you felt him gently sway you back and forth, rubbing your back, and planting kisses to the top of your head. Your mind was so far in the past that you didn’t hear Joel tell Ellie to give you guys a few minutes alone. The only thing that you could hear was the ringing in your ears at a memory that you wanted to forget.  ‘Stupid bitch. *Smack* I'll teach you a fucking lesson. *Smack, Smack.*’  Even after all these years, you still could feel the sting on your skin from the abuse Dave did. As soon as you involuntarily flinched at the memory of a hard hand to your face, you felt Joel tighten his grip around you while saying "it's gone. He's gone. You're safe with me baby, shhh. It's ok," and then he went back to humming that song that you loved until the memory of Dave left you once again.

You didn't know how long you stood there embraced in Joel’s arms before you heard him say "do ya want me to sleep next to you tonight baby?" When you didn’t answer he pulled away and then gently tucked a piece of hair behind your ear. "Might make the bad nightmares stay away if I sleep next to you honey," he continued in a soothing voice. You had to admit, not sleeping next to Joel has made the nightmares come back with a vengeance. You haven't hardly slept in weeks, which meant you were more susceptible to bad dreams and horrible flashbacks.

"I don't want to be a burden on you," you said.

"Ain't a burden love, never have been."

"Joel I-" you began to say before Joel interrupted you.

"Come on, let's get you tucked into bed darlin,' you look exhausted." Joel then took your hand and led you into your bedroom, holding your hand the entire way. Once inside of your bedroom he quickly got you situated sitting on the bed. “Hang on a sec,” he said and then disappeared back down the hall.  After a few moments Joel reappeared with a worn out old flannel. He handed it to you and said "here, put this on. It’s mine and I know you like the way I smell."

Slightly embarrassed and turning a shade of red you took his flannel and said “thanks.” You did like how Joel smelled, but you didn’t think he knew it. “We both are getting comfortable tonight love” he said as he chucked a set of comfy pajamas for himself on the bed. 

"Wow, aren't we both domestic" you said, shaking your head at seeing Joel change into an old T-shirt and fuzzy pajama pants. 

“Yeah, well, I need it. And by the looks of ya, so do you darlin.’” Joel smirked as he unbuckled his pants and slowly took them off while looking at you. You knew you needed to turn away, but when you noticed Joel removing his boxers, you couldn't help but stare. God he was big. You could see that even in his softened state that his cock hung heavy between his legs. You didn't realize that you were staring with a slightly open mouth until you heard his Southern drawl.

“Baby, nothin’ good comes outta you looking at me like that. Come on, eyes up here darlin.’” Joel said teasing you.

You immediately felt embarrassed at what you were doing, starring at a grown man’s crotch.  Yes he was your boyfriend, but you didn’t have that type of relationship with him at the moment.  “Oh God Joel, I’m so sorry” you said, burying your head in your hands and turning 20 shades of red.

Joel chuckled and said “Baby, I love you looking. But I don't think it's the proper answer right now to our problems of lack of sleep between the both of us. So come on, let's get you changed and tucked into bed honey.”  When you didn’t move Joel walked up to you and gently grabbed your hands and said “Come on, arms up for me.”  When you slowly raised your arms above your head, Joel lifted your shirt up as you kept your eyes closed.

“Angel, open your eyes and look at me” he gently whispered.  When you did, you found that he met you with dark intense eyes, like a wolf who just found his prey. As you looked at him you noticed that he lightly licked his lips while he eye fucked you. You noticed that he slowly looked down your chest, tracing the curve of your breasts with his eyes.  When you unclasped your bra and let it fall to the floor, Joel just about fainted.  

“Fuuck” Joel growled, looking at you standing before him with nothing covering your chest. If he was a better man he'd turn around and give you privacy, but he wasn't. It had been too long since he had a beautiful woman standing before him half naked. When you slowly bent down and pulled off your pants and panties, Joel almost came right there on the spot. 

As you stood in front of Joel completely naked, you found yourself slowly tracing your hands along your curves. You cupped your breasts and said “do you want to touch them?” as you slowly twisted your nipple while letting out a soft moan. 

“Baby, you- you can’t do this. Fuck woman, I’m-I’m not gonna be able to-” Joel said, slowly reaching out to touch you, but stopping midway before he did. He wanted to put his hands overtop yours, to feel the softness of your plump breasts underneath his callused hands. But Joel knew he couldn't, while shaking his head he said in a low voice “look at me scolding ya about starring, and I’m doing no different. Finish getting dressed, and let's go to bed baby.”  

With a satisfied smirk you turned your back to place on his flannel, and then buttoned it up. You decided to forgo putting your bra back on. You grabbed a pair of clean black lace panties, a rare find but something that you were glad you found in storage. As you turned around you saw Joel staring at you wide eyed. “Baby, I- that’s not” he said, glancing between your chest and ass. He was trying to figure out how he was supposed to sleep next to you tonight, knowing you were practically naked next to him.

“Look here cowboy,” you said in a sarcastic tone. “I ain’t sleeping fully clothed so you can just fuck right off now if ya think I should.” When you approached your side of the bed, you froze.  Chewing on your lip for a moment you finally asked, “is it safe for us to be dressed like this and all relaxed Joel?” You stared down at yourself, picking at the edges of your clothes, thinking that how you were dressed was both silly and stupid. 

When Joel glanced over at you, he noticed your meek expression, lack of confidence, and the fact that you were chewing on your lip in a worried state.  Sleeping fully relaxed in this world wasn’t something anyone could afford to do anymore, but he knew it was something that you both desperately needed tonight.  "I put up new defenses around here. I also installed two deadbolt locks to the door. I think for one night we can let our guard down a bit. I don't know about you baby, but I need one night where I'm not on the fucking edge. I'm so wound up honey that I-”. That's when Joel saw it, fear mixed with longing behind your eyes, and that was a dangerous combination. With clearing his throat he added, “ya darlin’, it’s safe for tonight.”

Joel wasn't kidding about needing to be comfortable.  He had reading glasses, a book, and a lamp that was turned on, giving the room a soft glow.  When he sat down, he sat with his back against the wall. His rifle and his knife were set next to the bed, just in case. After he was situated, he looked over at you and said "come on baby, come to bed" while patting your side of the bed.

Shaking your head and giggling slightly you said, "I never would have thought in a million years that Mr. Joel Miller would actually say 'come on baby, come to bed.’ Kind of a special occasion, if ya ask me."

Joel glared at you and then quipped, "ok smartass, just lay down and don’t give me any more of your sass."

Smiling to yourself at his little quip, you laid down next to him, facing him. After you got situated, Joel tucked the blankets over you, bent down, and kissed the top of your head saying "now go to sleep baby." He then put his reading glasses on as he sat there and silently started reading to himself. 

As you laid there you listened to Joel slowly breathe. You focused on trying to match your breaths with his, and in time you felt yourself finally starting to relax. The longer Joel read, the more you saw his muscles unclench, and his brows unfurrow. You laid there curled up in his flannel, holding the sleeve up by your nose, while slowly inhaling his scent. Joel was right, you did love the way he smelled.  He smelled of pine, cinnamon, wood, and Joel.  An intoxicating scent that left your head spinning, but also something that you could describe as home. You were somewhat in a daze, thinking about stuff that has recently happened when all of a sudden you heard Joel say, "Ya need to stop thinking so hard." 

"What?" You said, slightly shaking your head in an attempt to focus.

"You're thinking too hard darlin’," he said, still reading his book.

"How am I thinking too hard?"

"Baby, you're breathing hard, shifting your legs, and sighing to yourself."

"Oh, sorry. I didn't realize that I was doing any of that" you replied in a meek voice.

"S'alright darlin'. What were ya thinking about anyways?" When you didn’t respond, Joel stopped and looked over at you. 

"Just wondering where you found those glasses" was all that you said.

Joel cocked his head saying "that’s bullshit darlin'. That's not what's got ya all twisted up. But to answer your question, I found these in the cellar outside. They're regular reading glasses, and just so happens they’re the type of ones I need.” Joel then returned to reading his book.  

You laid there quietly, chewing on your lip and thinking about some things that were bugging you a lot recently.  Somehow Joel must have seen you out of his peripheral vision as he said with a sigh, “So what are you really thinking 'bout?"

“Just wondering what you’re reading?” you said, pressing your thighs together, not wanting to voice your actual true concerns. Laying this close to Joel wasn’t helping your sex drive.  You haven’t been able to get yourself off recently due to how stressed out you were. But tonight your mind kept wandering to what Joel looked like when he changed in front of you, and you wondered how he'd feel again inside of you. You couldn't believe how delicious his cock looked, all hanging heavy between his legs.  You could practically feel the rush of arousal out of you when you saw him earlier. You didn’t think that telling Joel, nor asking for his help, would be appropriate tonight. You remembered how he dealt with your starring earlier.  He told you that you two shouldn't do anything, and for you to stop.

Joel looked over at you as you kept shifting under the covers. He knew that you really didn't want to know what he was reading. But Joel wasn’t in the mood to argue with you tonight. Replying with a bit more sarcasm than he intended Joel said, “a book darlin.’ I’m reading a damn book.”

“No shit sherlock, I know you’re reading a book Joel” you said with a sarcastic eye roll.  After a moment of shifting around uncomfortably again you added, “can you, um, maybe read it to me out loud?”

Joel froze and looked over at you. “Darlin’, this ain’t one of those types of books.”

“I know what type of book it is Joel, Jesus. I know the author. She likes little Westerns that have two people- um. You know they- uh. They-

“Fuck.” Joel said, finally looking down at you with one eyebrow raised.

“W-what?” you said, looking back up at him with innocent eyes.

“She has them fuck darlin’, is that what you’re trying so hard not to say? You're fumbling with your words and acting worse than a toddler trying to talk.” he said, while closing the book and looking at you. 

“Jesus Joel, an asshole much?” you snapped, completely turning red at his reference. Tonight was just not your night, so you turned away from Joel and laid there facing the other direction. You mumbled under your breath “you know, you can just fuck off. You don’t even understand what it feels like to not have someone want to fuck you, or to not be able to get yourself off.” 

If Joel had to describe your mood tonight it would be moody, emotional, and down right irritating.  Of course he understood what it was like to want to be with someone.  Jesus, you were wearing his flannel with black panties on with no bra.  He hadn’t had sex with anyone, specifically you, in months. He's attempted to get himself off, but again hasn't been able to. He also understood what it felt like to be frustrated, and God damnit, he wanted to smack some sense into your ass at that statement you just said. God help me, this woman is trying my fucking patience tonight, he thought.

For the next several minutes you heard Joel silently turning the pages of his book.  Usually the silence wouldn't bother you, but tonight your nerves were on fire. All you wanted was for your so-called boyfriend to kiss you, make out with you, do something to take away these weird feelings that you had. You were hopeful that laying in bed next to him was going to lead to maybe some other things.  Hell, that’s why you agreed to lay next to him in the first place. But apparently Joel wasn’t interested.  Truth be told, he never really was interested in you anymore.  So with another big sigh, you realized that you were just going to be sexually frustrated for a while. Yeah, great, fucking perfect.

Joel was attempting to unwind by reading the book he held.  God, he was wired.  He was so turned on and sexually frustrated by watching you earlier that he wanted nothing more than to bury his aching cock deep within your warm walls. He could practically smell your arousal tonight, the honey sweet aroma that he knew and grew to love. He thought reading a simple Western would help him calm his nerves.  What he didn’t realize was that the author wrote a lot of graphic sex scenes in the book. And those graphic sex scenes weren't helping his frustration nor the hard on he had for you.

After a moment of contemplating, and hearing you sigh once again, he decided to say fuck it, and read out loud to you.  What’s the worst that could happen, he thought, if anything maybe tonight I’ll finally get fucking laid.  So with a big inhale, and deep exhale, Joel started reading to you out loud.  

“After a night of blissful romance, by morning’s first light he was gone again. She could tell by the way the growing baby in her belly was kicking, that it missed their Papa as much as she missed her strong man. She tried convincing herself that he’d be back before winter, but she knew deep in her heart that was not the case.  Winter turned into spring, and with it, came the birth of her son, Joshua.  Giving birth was hard, especially when her man wasn’t by her side. But the neighbor lady, a woman who had 5 children, helped her with the process. Then one day when Joshua was 3 months old, a familiar Southern drawl came from across the room “fuck darlin’, ain’t you beautiful.”

As Joel read out loud, you turned back around to face him.  You glanced up and saw how his natural curls slowly swayed at the turn of each page. How he’d use his tongue to gently lick his finger right before he’d turn the page. You also saw how Joel would periodically lick his lower lip, as a way to moisten it as he slowly read out loud to you.

“He watched her from across the room as she fed his son. After not being around a woman for many months, he found the soft suckling noises, and the light bounce of her breast, as his son fed to be something exotic.  He slowly felt himself become hard at watching her nurse him.  There was something so incredibly sexy about a woman feeding his child, and he was desperate for proper release.  He found a chair in the corner of the room and slowly took a seat.  He quietly palmed his cock in his jeans at the sight of you.” 

 “When he watched you switch sides, he nearly exploded in his pants.  You left your other breast hanging out of your bra.  It swung heavy, gentle side to side motions as you rocked your son. He studied it, the curve and slope of your engorged tits. He saw a little bit of milk drip out from where his son had just finished feeding from you. God, he wanted to walk over there and pick up your heavy breasts and massage them.  He knew they hurt you, being twice the size from what they normally were, he could see how much they made you ache.  He also wanted to taste you, to lick the little drop of milk off from them, and then finish milking you dry with his mouth.  He wanted to taste the warm, wet rush of milk in his mouth as he suckled from you, nipped you, and got you to moan for him.  He knew your breasts were always so sensitive, but right now he knew he could get you to cum just by nursing from you himself. Feeling himself strain hard against his pants, he slowly unzipped himself and took out his aching member.” 

Joel stopped and took a deep breath to steady himself before reading on.  God his cock was fully erect right now, leaking precum and throbbing against the sheet.  He wanted you to put your mouth on it, to touch it, something to help relieve the desperate need and ache that he felt.  In an attempt to get this situation under control, before he made a fool of himself, he said in a breathy pant, “maybe uh, maybe we shouldn’t finish this darlin’, It ah, shit, it kinda gets really vulgar in a second.”

“Finish reading the fucking chapter Joel, please,” you said with a rush to your voice. When he glanced at you he could tell that you were just as worked up. You were sweating, your eyes were closed and your legs were closed tight.  You slowly rocked back and forth, trying to find a little bit of relief for the tension that was building fast in your core. God you two needed to blow off some steam together and soon. 

“Look here little girl” Joel said with a bite to his voice. “Don’t go and snap at me cause you’re fucking frustrated. I won’t keep readin’ if ya can’t be nice.” Joel then noticed you shuffle underneath the sheets, putting your hand in-between your legs, and pressing your legs together again while whispering “sorry, it’s just hard.”

As Joel sat there he watched how hard you were pressing your thighs together, gently rocking yourself into your hand. Fuck, you looked hot and bothered, and he was hard as hell.  He wanted to see how far you’d go to relieving yourself, so he continued reading out loud. 

“Up and down he stroked his cock, working himself up. He noticed a good amount of precum drip from his slit at the sight of the woman nursing. When she looked over at him he growled low saying, ‘when you’re done with him, you’re gonna come on over here and bounce on this dick properly darlin’.”

“After she was done nursing, and had put the babe down to bed, she slowly sauntered over to the man in the room. She had no intention of riding him, but she couldn’t help with how worked up she’d been, and how long it had been since she had a man between her legs.  She found herself straddling him and very slowly lowering herself down on his cock. When she was fully sheathed she started moving back and forth, up and down, and then back and forth. She worked him hard, giving him everything that she could with her hips, fucking him like she’d never see him again. The more she worked him, the more she felt that familiar coil tighten deep within her belly as her tits swayed and bounced in his face.”

“‘I feel it darlin’, keep fucking going’ he said as he started helping her rock faster into him and attaching his mouth to her nipple. When he bit down she yelped, saying ‘fuck yes, harder.’ He smiled as he continued to lick, nip, and suck her gorgeous swollen tits. He started meeting her thrust for thrust, jack hammering up into her, chasing his own high. ‘Why did I stop fucking this’ he said, moaning into her as he felt her walls flutter around him.

“‘Mama, I know you're close. Come on, give it to me’ he growled, grinding her hard on him. One, two, three hard thrusts in and she felt her coil snap hard in her stomach. She felt a gush of fluid rush his cock and then he tipped over the edge growling in her ear. He continued thrusting as he worked them both through their highs, grunting each other’s names in the process. As soon as they were done, he picked her up and took her to bed where he showed her what being home truly meant. They both tipped over the edge multiple times into eternal bliss, needing each other for forever more.”

When Joel finished reading the chapter he closed the book and heard himself panting hard. He looked over at you and saw that you had your eyes closed and was slowly rocking back and forth with your hand in-between your legs again panting hard. Fuck you looked hot.  As soon as you noticed Joel had stopped reading your eyes snapped open and you glared at him with blown out pupils.  

“Maybe uh-maybe we should uh-”

“Goodnight Joel” you whispered while you rolled over and laid there in silence. Joel just looked at you puzzled, about to ask if you wanted to maybe do something when you said “please turn out the light, I’m kinda tired and wanna go to bed.”

“Yeah sure” he said, turning out the light and slipping down into the bed.  Joel laid there staring at the ceiling, thinking when he said “do you wanna-”

“No, goodnight Joel.”

“Yeah, ok. Goodnight darlin.’” Joel laid there confused, not understanding what had happened. He didn’t know if you were embarrassed at him seeing you worked up or if he somehow hurt your feelings.  After laying in silence for a bit he was going to ask if you were ok.  But before he did, he heard you say “before you asked what I was thinking, I was just thinking what we're gonna do once we find Tommy. Like where do I go? Do I live with you or am I supposed to be on my own or what?”

Joel didn’t answer right away, as he didn't know the answer. This was something that the two of you hadn’t discussed. He wanted you to stay with him, but he didn’t want to force you to stay either.  Apparently his lack of communication right now upset you.  “Just forget I asked,” you said. “I'll just figure it out myself."  And with that you fell into a deep sleep.  But as you started to dream, your mind decided to recall a memory that you truly wanted to never remember again…

Dreamstate- Flashback to Boston, QZ- 5 years prior 

(graphic content)...if you want to skip this section go to “flashback end” in bold below to pick up the regular story again. Please read warnings before proceeding reading flashback, this is very dark content.

“You’re so fucking stupid, how can you not be able to do this. Like every dumb idiot can shoot a bow, well everyone except for you.” Dave snarled at you when you couldn’t even pull back the bow.

“Well I don’t know Dave, maybe teach me how to do it instead of ridiculing me. Like what the fuck is wrong with you, why are you acting like this? You’re supposed to be my boyfriend” you said, snapping at him.

“Boyfriend? Nope, I’m not your boyfriend” he said with venom, as he downed the last of the amber liquid in the glass bottle.  “Boyfriends are people you care about, and you honestly don’t give a fuck about me. So why should I care about you in return? You’re just a stupid liability that I have to deal with, and one that I can’t seem to get rid of.”

You watched Dave drink, knowing what was in store for you tonight. When Dave drank, he usually became violent with you. It was a standard routine that the two of you had, and one you were honestly sick of. You wanted out, that was for certain. You wanted to get as far away from this piece of shit guy as you could.

In order to cope and deal with the fact that you hated your life, and that you wanted out and away from Dave, you took another job. You were smuggling goods secretly on the black market of the QZ and Joel Miller was the man that you were working with. Tess, Joel’s partner, had approached you after she had seen bruises on your arms during your normal QZ job. Dave usually never gave you any bruises that people could visually see. But something recently happened, and he no longer cared.  So you walked around with bruises, where the world could see who you belonged to. When Tess saw this, it angered the hell out of her. So much so that she introduced you to Joel, in an attempt to help you earn enough money to get out and away from Dave.

“If you wanna get out of there, you come talk to me or Joel, and we’ll get you out, understand?” Tess said while working a shift with you. All you did was nod your head, but you didn't take her up on her offer until Dave broke your collarbone. That's the night you went to see Tess at home. She helped clean you up and then let you stay over. 

When Joel got home he said “what’s she doing here?” while pointing at you.

“She's spending the night Joel, she got roughed up a bit and needed care.”

Joel approached you and lightly grabbed your chin, examining the bruise that was forming on the side of your lip. “Better get some ice on that darlin’ before it swells.” That night Joel slept on the couch and insisted that Tess and you took the bed.

You started doing odd jobs on the side for Tess and Joel. Joel never questioned you of why you wanted the side jobs. Just like he never questioned you of why you had bruises on your arms or hickies on your neck.  The time you showed up with a swollen black eye though he said, “darlin’ it ain’t right what he’s doing, no guy is worth that.”

As Dave's anger increased, so did the extra jobs.  Tess and Joel threw every side job they had at you in an attempt to help you get enough money to leave. Finally after months of pulling double shifts, you had enough money to leave. This made you happy as you no longer had to feel afraid of Dave anymore, but you were so wrong. 

“You know what Dave, fine” you yelled snapping back at him. “I can’t keep doing this with you. I’ll just pack up my shit and-”

“Don’t flatter yourself Y/N, you know you ain’t leaving, where would you even go?” he said, baiting you.

“Anyplace other than with you Dave, so just fuck o-” 

“Where you just about to tell me to fuck off?” Dave said, sneering at you.  “Bad move honey. I may not be a genius, but I ain’t stupid. I found your extra stash of money, real sweet hiding it in a sock” Dave said while holding up the sock.  

Dave reached in and grabbed the wad of money that you had earned. When he started the money on fire with a lighter you yelled “what the fuck are you doing Dave? My god, don’t burn that.” You lunged at the sock to try to put out the fire.

Dave kept pushing you back until all the money was burnt to ash. You fell to your knees defeated and angry that he'd take this last bit from you. You heard him laugh behind you saying, “think again sweetheart, you ain’t goin’ nowhere. Now get the fuck up.” 

When you stood up you felt anger and bile rise up from the pit of your stomach. That was almost a year's worth of pay down the drain. You had pulled extra shifts, did side jobs, sometimes almost died, trying to save up enough money to leave. You put up with Dave’s shit, allowing him to mark you with his mouth when you hated the very sight of him, just so you could get up and do another job for cash. Now the asshole burned it up like ash, just so he could watch you seethe in anger. He didn’t care if he had extra money, money meant nothing to Dave. Power is what Dave craved. If money that you earned was going to take his power away from him, he'd burn it up just to make sure you'd lose all control.

When you turned around you didn’t care about playing nice anymore. When you first got to know Dave, you thought that he was someone who cared. You quickly found out that was a lie. “You’re an asshole” you yelled, smacking him hard across the face.  As soon as you smacked him you watched his eyes glaze over, and then the other side of him came out. 

“Ok, fine bitch. You wanna play like that, then let’s fucking play like that.” Your vision blurred as Dave hit you across the face. You then felt him hit you again, and again, and again, and again. When his one hand got tired, he then switched to the other but this time with a closed fist. You tried to fight back, but the more you struggled, the more he pinned you down on the ground. With both of his knees on either side of your arms, you couldn’t move. You eventually tried to relax, knowing that the more you fought the worse it was going to be. But this didn't stop him.

“You know,” Dave said, “I think I’m just gonna just take what I need this time from you. You seem to always run your fucking mouth off, saying you want to be my girlfriend, so why not take what's mine, right?” You then felt the rip of your jeans beneath you. You tried to fight him off, realizing what he was after, and what he was going to do. Dave and you had never had sex, and that was something that he always hated. 

“Dave you can’t, please, don’t. I’ll stay. Just don’t do that, don’t take that from me” you yelled as tears streamed down your face as you tried to fight him off. You fought for your life, because honestly it felt like this was it. But the more you fought the angrier he got until you felt the snap of your ankle, and then the searing pain that went with it. He broke your ankle so you couldn’t run away. You then felt him take his knife and cut you deep on your thigh, right up by your mound as he said “gonna make sure this is deep enough, so you have a scar here forever to remember who the fuck you belong to.”

You tried to fight him, but you couldn’t. You couldn’t get him off of you. And then finally you felt it, the searing pain in your groin as Dave forced himself all the way into you. He took the last bit of innocence that you had, you were now truly broken. 

You laid there crying, sobbing, wishing that death would take you. You must have been making too much noise because you felt Dave's hand on your mouth with a knife at your throat, yelling “shut the fuck up.”  You thought ‘please, just cut me and let me die here’ as you heard Dave moan above you. He continued to take what he thought belonged to him.

“Fuck, why have you denied this to me for so long, huh?” he said. You knew it wasn’t a question that he wanted answered, it was just something he was saying. “Gonna do this every fucking day now with you, Jesus. Fuck, will you at least stop fucking crying and pretend to at least enjoy this” he said, as you felt another smack across your face. You turned your face away from him so only your bad eye was upright, the one he beat hard with a fist. You didn’t want to look at him with the side of your face that you could still see out of. 

You laid there and tried to will the tears to stop, but they never did. You felt him tighten his hand around your throat as he squeezed the life out of it. “Fucking look at me, I know little lady you can still see out of one eye, not that fucking stupid. You look at who owns you, you hear me” he yelled, as he yanked your face towards him. When you looked up at Dave, you saw the monster that he truly was.  Somehow in the last few years a man who was kind and gentle to you turned into someone who was this. You thought that maybe this was him all along. You tried to convince yourself of that as a way of coping. 

As he continued you suddenly felt your head get dizzy from the lack of oxygen. You knew that you were done. That this was the day you were going to die. There was no more compassion in Dave’s face anymore, only a monster that was going to kill. You’ve seen this look in his eyes when he's killed other people before, so you knew you were next. 

As you laid there accepting your fate you heard a deep voice yell “what the fuck are you doing, get the fuck off from her.”  You saw Dave get yanked off from you by someone, but you didn't know who. 

“Mind your own fucking business, old man” you heard Dave yell back in return. You then heard a struggle followed by three soft bangs of a gun. It was a gun that had a silencer on it, you knew this because it was sold on the blackmarket of the QZ, and Dave usually carried a gun with a silencer on it. 

As you laid still you heard the person who shot the gun approach. At first you thought it was Dave, that he was coming back over to finish what he started. But when you heard the Texan drawl of “darlin’ are you ok?” the flood gates opened up and you fell apart. You knew that voice anywhere, the voice of Joel Miller.

Joel kneeled down by you as he gently sat you up. “Are you ok?” he said, looking you over to see what was all wrong. When he noticed the blood that was coming from in-between your legs, he shrugged off his flannel shirt, wrapped it around you and said, “ok, come on. Let’s get you outta here, and get ya cleaned up.” He then picked you up and carried you back to his house. 

Once you were cleaned up Joel got you situated and laid you down on his bed. Tess wasn't home, she was out working according to Joel. In an effort to try to get you to sleep, Joel laid you on your side and tucked you tight into his chest. One leg went in-between your legs, and he slowly stroked soothing circles on your back saying “it’s okay honey, I got ya and nothing bad is ever gonna happen, just breathe.” He started humming that little tune that you’d come to know and  love so well…Flashback end

Back to Regular Story

“y/n. Y/n. Y/N” you heard Joel yell, but it sounded muffled to your ears.  The only thing that you could hear was the pounding of your heartbeat and the labored breathing that you were doing. “I can’t do this, he hates me, he wants to hurt me, I’m all alone" was all that you said out loud, still stuck someplace inside of your nightmare.  You were drowning in anxiety, breaking out in a cold sweat, and not realizing that you were still in fact dreaming.

“Baby, wake up” Joel yelled, shaking you as he tried to get you out of the nightmare.  You haven’t had this kind of a nightmare for a long time, and this fact burned hot in Joel’s chest.  He didn’t want you remembering the past, remembering the night that he killed Dave. He knew that’s the nightmare you were having because you always said words like “please don't take that Dave, don't cut me. I'll be good, I promise” and finally you'd yell “please just kill me, I wanna go home,” like you were doing right now. If that son of a bitch was still alive, I’d kill that motherfucker yet again, Joe thought to himself.

Joel was rubbing your arms and trying to wake you up as you started to thrash in the sheets. “Baby come on, come on honey it’s me, you gotta wake up” he said, feeling his heart ache at you trying to run away in your dream with your eyes still closed.  All of a sudden you sat up in bed and let out a blood curdling scream, clothes drenched slick with sweat, and body shaking all over.  As soon as your eyes flew open you saw Joel was sitting upright, right in front of you. He grabbed you and held you saying “baby I’m here, I'm here. You’re safe. No one’s hurting you. It all was just a bad dream honey, all of it. It was just a bad dream.”

“Joel” you said, shaking, touching his face, not believing that it was really him and that he was there.  “Dave, he, he-” 

“Shhh baby, c’mere, I gotcha honey, I gotcha” Joel said while wrapping his arms around you and tightly holding you against his chest. “He’s gone baby, he’s gone. Shhh.” Joel felt the tremors and aftershocks go through your entire body, up your spine, as you came down from your nightmare.  Joel slowly rocked you back and forth, and side to side, humming to you and reassuring you that you were alright. 

"Baby, can you look at me." Joel said with the gentlest voice, after humming to you and rocking you for a while. When you opened your eyes you saw him look at you with the softest eyes. Your lip quivered hard as your tears kept falling. Why are men cruel, why do they always hurt me, and why can't anyone love me? you thought to yourself. What you didn't realize was that you voiced your thoughts out loud, and Joel heard them. You tried to calm yourself down, but your throat burned. After taking a few breaths to steady yourself you felt the world start to spin on its axis. Your heart raced and you felt the sob that you were trying to hold back escape your mouth.

 "Oh baby, c’mere." Joel said as he grabbed your head and tucked you into the crook of his neck. He started humming to you that song again that you knew so well, the one he hummed that first night to you.

"It-it’s so beau-beautiful. Wh-what song is that?" you asked as you slowly finished crying yourself out. 

"I used to hum it to Sarah when she was little. It's a song I wrote before she was born." Joel said as he wrapped his arms tighter around you, holding you firmer to his chest to protect you.

"It truly is beautiful, Joel." 

"Yeah she is beautiful. She's right here in my arms, and she's all mine." Joel said while he rubbed your back.

"Joel I-"

Joel pulled back and cupped your face in his large callused hands while slowly swiping your tears away. "Y/n, let me get this out first baby, okay? I care so much about you baby, truly I do. It destroys me to see you like this. That fucker, Dave, he’s gone. Ya hear me? You gotta stop letting him in like this. No more baby, ok? Now c’mere.”

Joel then laid you down on the bed and tucked you into him, the same way he did that first night. “I'm not him mama, I never have been.” Joel continued to brush your tears away while whispering in your ear "stop cryin' baby. You forever have a home with me, for as long as you want it, Ellie too.”

“But for how long” you say muffled into his chest. Joel pulled you away and looked at you to continue, not understanding what you meant.

“How long do I have a home Joel?  Am I gonna be the roommate that gets to watch you bring women back to your house and fuck them in your bed? Is your bed ever going to be our bed, or am I just the person you're forced to be with? Am I just a fucking doormat that you hurt over and over again Joel, someone you fucking forget because you're too afraid of feeling something. ‘She's too young, he's too old, you can't be together, it's wrong.’ It'll be worse than David. You're gonna hur-hurt me w-worse than he did. Why can't you just love me?" There it was, in the broken silence of the room, that you told Joel your biggest fear.

Joel couldn't believe it, that you didn't understand his feelings for you. You weren't a doormat, and he sure as hell wasn't that good for nothing David. "Baby, you ain't ever gonna be a doormat, ok. I honestly don't give a fuck what people think if we're together. They can all just fuck off if they don't like it, including my brother Tommy. You and Ellie, you're my whole life, and nothing is ever gonna change that" Joel said, holding you tight to his chest. 

After holding you tight for a few minutes he then pulled back and said “I'm committed to being yours, ya hear me? Fuck mama, you feel that" he said while slowly grinding his hard bulge into your pelvis. You both let out a low moan at the sensation. The two of you were both so worked up from this back and forth edging that has been happening that any little friction sent you both over the edge into wanting to fuck the other person bad. 

While looking at you, Joel adjusted the angle of his pelvis and ground down a little more into you. You could feel his entire outline of his cock right now, and God he felt good, and was rock hard. "You do this to me mama, just you. No one else. So quit your fussin' about it. Ya hear me? It's only you that I want in my fucking bed and no one else" he said with another delicious grind of his hips. 

“It's you that I want.” *hip grind* “It's you that makes me happy.” *hip grind* “It's you that I wanna spend my life with.” *hip grind* “And it's you that I wanna fuck.” And with that admittance Joel crashed his lips into yours and kissed you with a deep hunger that he felt for you. As he skimmed your bottom lip, you opened your mouth to grant him easy access. 

You both were so worked up that you couldn't stand it anymore. “Baby please” you panted. “Please, Joel, please.”

Hearing you say his name all wanton and needy like that unlocked something deep within his body. He had a primal urge now to have you. Joel quickly grabbed your shirt and ripped it open, which sent the buttons flying everywhere. He didn't care though, he desperately needed you. 

Joel quickly started to devour your chest. Grabbing, sucking, and biting your nipples in a heated frenzy. He grabbed one of your legs and hitched it higher up on his hip to open you up. In a heated mess, Joel grabbed your thigh by the permanent scar that David had left. He dug his fingers into it while whispering in your ear “I'm gonna fucking mark you as mine properly, baby.” And that's when he felt it, you froze and started breathing erratically.

Joel slowly pulled back, realizing what he just did. He looked at you and saw a mixture of want and fear across your face. He just realized that you weren't fully out of your nightmare in your head. “Baby, I- I didn't mean it the way that came out.”

“I know” was all you said, taking a slow shaky breath. 

“Fuck” Joel groaned as he sat up, dragging a hand down his face at his fuck up that he just did. “You know, I'd love a fucking smoke right about now” he said out loud, more to himself than you.

“Why?”

“Why what?” Joel asked.

“Why do you wanna have a cigarette now? Don't people usually smoke after sex, not when this shit happens” you say, jestering in-between the two of you.

“I don't know, maybe cause I'm embarrassed and now nervous.”

“Wh-”

“Are we now playing 20 fucking questions, y/n. Jesus.” Joel said, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“No Joel we're not” you snap. “I'm just trying to understand and salvage this fucking night. So why did you stop?”

“I think that's pretty obvious by the look you're still giving me.”

“What look?”

“Jesus, we are playing 20 questions. Y/n, just-”

“So help me God Joel, if you fucking tell me to leave it or drop it I swear to God, that the knife that is on your side of the bed will be stuck in your damn heart. So unless you wanna truly die tonight, I suggest you fucking start talking.” you said, snapping hard at Joel.

Joel looked down at you with a smirk on his face. There was that attitude that he knew and loved from you. Your anger and frustration was like an amazing fire, one that if Joel wasn't careful, would burn him to death. But the longer he sat there tonight, looking at you, the more he truly didn't care. He'd welcome the chance to get burned by your flames tonight. At least it’d make him feel alive, and that's something that he hasn't truly felt for a long time. 

“I'd like to see you try it” Joel said, bending down to whisper close to you. “I don't think you have the fucking guts to do it.”  As the stare down between Joel and you continued, you noticed that Joel widened his smirk. “Just as I thought,” he said, “you don't have the guts. You're all talk, and no fucking do y/n. And I'm not surprised. I honestly thought that you'd have the guts to do what you needed to do to survive. Apparently I was wrong.”

Joel knew he was playing a deadly game with you. But he didn't care, he wanted to snap you out of this problem you kept having thinking that you weren't good enough for him. So if he had to bite hard and yank hard on the Lion's tail to get a reaction, then that's what he was going to do.  After a brief moment of hesitation, Joel saw something snap inside of you. In a blink of an eye he watched your calm exterior morph into something like an intense rage. You flung yourself on him and grabbed his knife. The two of you wrestled for a moment until Joel was finally on his back, his hands up in surrender as you held the knife to his throat. 

Joel laid there with blown out pupils watching you. This form of anger turned him on, and made his dick twitch in his pants. Apparently you did have the balls to take him on. As Joel laid there he watched your outer exterior falter, and watched you start to second guess yourself. “Do it,” Joel said. “Y/n if you're gonna do it, don't think about it, just do it” he growled.

“I-I” you said, shaking your head.

“Come on baby, just do it” he said, looking at you with concern in his eyes as yours welled up with tears. “Baby, if you think that all men are like Dave, then fucking slice my throat. Let me go see my daughter, let me have my baby girl back. Just do it.” To emphasize his point Joel grabbed your wrist and pushed the knife into his neck more, but not where it was cutting him yet.

“Why?” you sobbed holding tight to the knife, but not letting go. “Why beg me, why not just do it yourself if you don't want to be here? Why do you need me?”

When Joel looked into your soft eyes it was then that he knew you couldn’t see it. That you couldn’t see that he loved you.  He didn’t want to open his heart and say those three little words yet, but he felt it. He loved you. But he, himself, was also drowning in emotion at this fact, just like you were.

“Baby, if you can’t see why, then I’ve really fucked up. If ya can't see why I want you darlin’, then I don’t deserve you in my life. I’m not Dave honey, I never have been, nor ever will be.  If you can’t see that then please honey, just let me go and see my daughter. I don’t want to be in a world where you think I’m a fucking monster. Please.”

Joel could see the war that was going on in your head, the struggle of wanting to say that every guy was like Dave and then not.  You knew that Joel was nothing like Dave, but still you couldn't be sure. Joel was moody, quiet, and sometimes cold. But even in the coldest of moments Joel still found compassion for you. He looked out for you and even protected you by killing Dave, when Dave attempted to take everything from you. Truth is, you were scared to death. You were scared to death to give yourself completely to someone else for fear that he'd do exactly what Dave did. That he'd lie and then destroy you.

As you sat there straddling Joel, holding the knife to his throat, you felt a horrible burn collect in the back of your throat. Eventually you couldn't hold it in any longer and a horrible sob escaped your mouth. Your mind was fighting hard to break free from the abuse that had happened from Dave.  

Joel could see you struggle with these emotions, as you wore them plain as day on your skin, unable to hide them. When Joel felt your grip on the knife falter he gently grabbed you and flipped you on your back. “I don’t want to be in a world where you hate me darlin’” Joel said, while putting the knife down and grabbing your hip to hitch it higher to open you up.  He slowly moved his one hand down to trace the outline of your slit through your panties, his other hand held your hands above your head.

“You're denched, baby” Joel whispered as he rested his forehead against yours while slowly circling your clit on the outside of your panties.  “I don’t want to live in a fucking world where someone else gets to touch this mama.”  Joel slowly moved from your clit down to the center of your weeping hole and then back up to your clit. 

“Fuck baby, I need you” Joel said, panting at how turned on he felt.  “Something tells me that you need me too” and with that Joel yanked your panties to the side as he crashed his lips onto yours. He quickly made fast work on your clit, alternating between feather light tickles to heavy circles.

“We're going to stop working each other up darlin’” Joel said, making fast work of your clit. “I can’t do it anymore baby. I fucking need you.” And with that admittance Joel deepened his kiss.  You two sat like that. Joel overtop of you holding your wrists above your head, while he slowly licked into your mouth with his tongue. Meanwhile his other hand kept circling your clit, trying to give you release.

“Joel, please I need to-”

“I know baby, I know.  Let it happen, honey. Trust me, I got you. Let go.” And with that Joel felt your clit swell then spasm hard as your back arched off the bed. You sobbed and bucked your hips up hard against his hand, chasing your high, moaning Joel's name.  When overstimulation started Joel released your hands and started to just rock back and forth into you. Grinding his hard bulge into your drenched heat. Joel had removed his hand from your clit, and placed it on your head, to caress your head. He also continued to deepen his kiss in your mouth. The two of you sat there for several minutes, exploring each other's mouth while Joel slowly rocked his hips into you.

Joel kept rocking into you, showing you how much he cared, how much he loved you.  He couldn't say the words yet to you, soon, I'll tell her soon, he thought. The longer he made out with you, the more you both started to pant. You moved your hand down and slid Joel's pants off his hips as you started rubbing his swollen member. “Aw darlin', fuck” Joel said when you wrapped your hand around his head and gently squeezed. “Please baby, don't tease. I can't, I can't, fuck mama, don't tease me,” Joel panted and begged you to continue.

“Baby, shhh” you said as you stilled your movements. You immediately heard Joel groan in frustration, with his eyes closed, and his forehead touching yours. “Don’t worry baby, I’m gonna take real good care of you.”  With looking down at Joel you noticed that he was throbbing hard against your hand.  “Jesus Joel, does that hurt baby?” you asked running your thumb gently over the swollen reddened tip.  As you did you heard Joel let out a hiss at the sensation. “I’m gonna take care of this baby, I’ll make it feel better” you cooed, slowly stroking him again.

“God please” Joel begged, breathless, panting hard when he looked into your eyes.

“What? What do you need Joel, tell me honey and I’ll do it.”

After a few more slow twists of your hand at the reddened tip of his cock you heard Joel let out a strangled groan followed by a breathy “Don't. Fa-fucking. St-Stop.”

“I won't, baby, if you promise to use your fingers. Joel fingers- ah- f-fuck me with your fingers. I want them deep baby. I promise though, I won’t stop touching you” you said panting.

Joel quickly shifted and yanked your panties all the way down.  He also quickly removed his shirt, and finished taking off his pants the rest of the way. He wanted to feel skin on skin contact with you. When he looked at you he saw that you had blown wide pupils. “Come here and let me fuck you with my hand, Joel” you said in a sultery voice.

“Fuck woman, if ya talk like that you’re gonna kill me” Joel said, panting and quickly getting situated back between your legs.  

Joel and you quickly found a rhythm. You stroked him while he fingered you. Joel also explored you with his mouth, kissing you passionately.  The longer it went, the more the two of you were panting heavily and rutting hard against each other.

“God Joel, baby I need-”

“What do you need darlin’, come on tell me- fuck” he said moaning as you stroked him faster.

“I need to come Joel, I need it so bad” you whined.

“You’re gonna cum for me darlin’, gonna give me another one?”

“Joel fuck, baby” you said as Joel pulled your leg up to widen you out for him.  He reached deep within you at the spongy part inside and your eyes rolled back in your head with a long moan.  

“Yeah mama, daddy knows where that fucking G-spot is.  Come on baby, soak daddy’s fingers with that beautiful pussy.  Pretend it’s my cock darlin’.  Come on, soak ‘em” Joel said growling in your ear as he picked up the pace fucking you hard and fast in your drenched tight hole.  He added a second finger and your eyes rolled back in your head, hand stumbling trying to stroke his cock fast through it.

“Joel I can’t” you said as you attempted to relax with pleasure, plus try to get him off.

“Let me do it mama, just hold your hand on my cock and I’ll do the rest.  I’ll fuck your hand as I fuck this pussy full with my fingers.  Pretend I’m inside of you baby, now come on, let daddy fuck ya good.”

Joel picked up the pace, rutting hard into your hand chasing his own high.  “Fuck baby, god you feel so damn good, mama. I haven’t- fuck- I haven’t fucked myself since I came in that pretty little pussy last time” Joel admitted out loud.

“Oh baby, fuck. Right there. Joel, honey, you need to come. Damn it. Come on Joel, you need to come with me, I'm almost there.  God, Joel. Blow your load on me, let me see it.”

“Filthy fucking woman” Joel growled, snapping his hand and hips hard into you.  “Filthy fucking mouth, I’m gonna fuck that beautiful mouth real soon. Make you take my cock all the way back like you’re meant to.  Fuck y/n, I’m close, you’re gonna need to come soon darlin’, I can’t wait much longer.”  You felt Joel’s thrusts become sloppy in your hands, so you added a bit of pressure and started moving your wrist faster to get him there sooner.

“Fuck- babe. Shit, I’m gonna, fuck I’m gonna-” Joel said while putting his forehead against yours as he came with a loud groan.

“Come Joel, come for me baby” you said while you felt him swell and then release his cum all over your hand and stomach. You followed him over the edge with your own release, coating his fingers as he kept pumping them in and out of you.  

When Joel finally found release he felt his vision go white as his balls drained of all his pent up anger, frustration, and energy that he had from not being able to come since the last time you two had sex. As he came he heard himself swearing while gently rocking back and forth into your hand as white rope after white rope of his seed came out of him.  When his cock was finally spent, and he started to soften, he opened his eyes.

“Hey you” you said as you both came back down to Earth.  “You ok, did I do that ok? Was I too-”

“Baby, stop. That was- fuck woman. That was amazing.” Joel said as he continued to slowly pant, trying to get his breathing under control.

“Good,” you said while kissing his forehead, “I’m glad you liked it.”

“How about you?” Joel said while picking his head up and slowly removing his fingers from your soaked cunt. “Did that-”

“Fuck Joel, that felt amazing” you said while laughing and blushing. 

“Good baby, so glad to hear.” he said, giving you a slow kiss to your mouth. When he was done he rolled onto his back and slowly calmed his breathing.

“We’re a mess Joel” you said laughing at how soaked you and him were with both sweat and both of your releases.  

“Give me a minute for the blood to go back to my brain honey, and then I’ll get up and get us a towel to clean up with.”

“Has it really been that long for you? That you haven’t come since we had sex in the woods a few months back?” you asked while you gently nudged him.

“I said that out loud? Fuck” Joel said with a groan.  “Yeah baby, it is, or was,” he said while sitting up and slowly standing up. Joel exited the room and went to the bathroom to clean up.  After he was done cleaning himself up he came in with a wet washcloth and a dry towel and slowly cleaned you up.  When he was finished he placed them in the dirty clothes pile, making a mental note to make sure he washed them in the sink with soap and water later.

He laid down next to you in bed, still panting as he slowly came down from his high. He only had his pajama pants on, and not his t-shirt.  You had already grabbed his t-shirt and had put it on.  “C’mere” he said while pulling you close to him and tucking you on your side, against his chest.

As you laid there and listened to him breathing, you heard that it was starting to slow and even out.  “Did you mean what you said?” you gently whispered into the night.

“About what?” Joel said, with sleep lacing his voice.

“That I’m not a doormat, that you want me to stay with you, and that you only want me in your bed?”  After Joel didn't respond you said “just forget that I-”

With a sigh Joel said, “Baby.” When you didn’t acknowledge him, he gripped you tighter saying “y/n.” Finally when you looked up at his face you saw that he was looking down at you seriously.  “I meant every fucking word that I said.  You're not a doormat and you belong in this bed with me, and only me. Now go to sleep.” Joel then tucked you into him once again.

After a moment you said in the darkness “I love you Joel” and with that, you fell asleep.  When Joel knew that you were sleeping he also said out loud “I love you too sweetheart, always have and always will.”  Joel knew that he had to tell you soon that he loved you. But this admission in the dark, when you were softly sleeping in his arms, was good enough for now. As sleep finally took Joel he thought to himself I love you and you’re forever mine. 

That was the first night the both of you had a decent night's sleep since this whole thing started. You both were wrapped up tight in each other's arms, not letting go, locking the world out for just one night. If you could describe the feeling you both felt, that feeling would be home. You felt like you were at home, safe in each other's arms. And that was something worth fighting for. 

-End chapter-

Taglist: @punkshort @shotgun-shelby @strawbunnyx @orcasoul @pedritoferg @chiogarza @jesfreedark @untamedheart81 @rainbow12346 @nandan11 @swiftpascal @eliza-8 @joeldjarin @vickie5446 @nastiasnow @staywildflowahchild @ratoonstown @l3laze @its-always-420-on-the-moon @kirsteng42

[thefallennightmare]

I Guess I'm in Love [one shot]

*credit to whoever created the gif. found on google/Pinterest *

Pairings: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Words: 764. Short but lovely.

Warnings: pure and disgusting amount of fluff with a tiny bit of implied smut.

Summary: Bucky can't help but reflect on his love for Reader on their lazy Sunday afternoon.

Authors Notes: So this is a request that @playboystark sent in forever ago and I'm finally finding a few minutes to write it. I hope you like it! This will be in Bucky's P.O.V. and it's based on the song I guess I'm in love by Clinton Kane so give it a listen to get the full effect!

The soft breeze blew through our opened window, dancing with the long curtains, as I laid in bed with her head on my chest, fingernails trailing down the bareness of my skin. I held her tighter, her smell engulfing my sense of smell and I fluttered my eyes shut at the familiarity. 

Roses. She knew how much of a sucker I was for that smell and made everything about her that smell. 

There was a tune playing throughout the speakers in our shared home as I adjusted the sheets over our naked bodies, the actions of our lazy Sunday replaying in my mind. 

I found myself becoming obsessed with the feeling of her head on my chest and she carefully traced the scars on my shoulder where flesh met vibranium. She knew about my past, everything I had done as The Winter Soldier, and even if I hated myself for it, she didn’t. She loved everything about me, the good and bad. There were plenty of times she could have left after many nights of nightmares but she refused. 

Her love for me was bigger than the tragic memories. 

I had lost hope after Steve left to go back in time, leaving me alone. But when she came into my life, hope began to fill my veins; hope for a happy ending finally. I never believed I deserved one but she began to prove me wrong. 

Any time I began to over think any small thing, I looked into her bright eyes and I couldn't stop myself from catching a breath because she made me lose it all over again. When I look at her, that’s the end of all of the bad thoughts.

Years together and I can’t stop the nervousness or butterflies in my stomach when we stare at one another. 

Her soft lips kissed the scars, something she had always done, and I wrapped my arms tighter around her while my own lips brushed a kiss to her forehead. The smile that graced her beautiful features awoke those damn butterflies once more. 

It had been years of loneliness and heartbreak but the second she came into my life, everything changed. She worked at the local coffee shop and was there every time I had gone in for a coffee and to read. After the second time, she had memorized my order. 

Small black coffee with a chocolate croissant. 

The moment I realized I was in love with her was when she had my order waiting for me, seconds before I arrived at the shop. 

She had become everything I wanted when I thought I couldn’t find anyone. 

Her petite fingers traced the graying stubble along my chin and I fell into the touch, a large smile on my face.

“We should probably get up,” I muttered against her hairline. “Alpine hasn’t been fed.” 

She groaned while burying her face deep into my neck. “But I’m comfy.” 

A sly smirk pulled at my lips. “How about I bend you over the bed and fuck that pretty little hole again?” 

Her eyes met mine, lips parting as she mimicked a fish, the words feeling foreign on her lips. 

God, I love the way she couldn’t find the words to say. 

Our Sunday afternoon had drifted fast into the night and we were seated on the floor of our living room, two large pizza boxes that were empty sat a few feet from us. The television played one of her favorite movies but that did nothing to stop her from fidgeting, her nerves getting the best of her. 

“Doll, you need to sit still. It’ll be alright,” I assured her with a squeeze to her knee. 

She shook her head. “I can’t! We leave tomorrow for Greece and I suddenly remembered there’s a list of things to get done.” 

We had this vacation planned for years and now that it was fast approaching, she was a nervous wreck. But I didn’t mind. I was so in love with her that I would run anywhere with her because the two of us were enough. 

“Come here,” I pulled her into my chest with my vibranium arm and she quickly melted into my embrace. 

Whenever we were in one another’s arms, it felt like home. No matter where we were. Everything I had gone through in my life, good or bad, I knew it was all worth it because it led me to her. 

We shared a deep kiss, one that others would say belonged to two people who were so in love with each other.

[siremasterlawrence]

Stalker (A Twisted Chris Evans Love Story)

Chris Evans is walking home from a lengthy extended climb up a mountain area as he is returning home he dug into his pocket as he walks into the side of the road sending that something off. He wants to believe that it’s all in his head but it’s obvious it is not as he ships clearly seeing a shadowy figure brush past the leaves craving him off guard and he rushes into his pocket. Chris shook his head thinking about how it is utterly ridiculous this all is, he is in deep fear of his life since that chance meeting at the red carpet event and remembers it all too well. He sighs as the jet black limo stops as the door pops open swinging to the side as he is stepping out onto the stylish red carpet and made another one of these lame movie events. He places a fake smile on his face as it is plastered for everyone to see giving all of the camera men a good show in that sexy toned blue suit, black shirt and silky black shades. He puts his hand up in the air waving at the camera lens with bright lights flashing in his face as he ships cold, his mind rushes into him soon everything begins to fade along with his mind. This young man hops over the gate coming face to face with his acting idol as the man places a hand on his shoulder with a kind smile that warms Chris heart and he begins to feel safe. Nothing in this world matters to him except to listen to the interviewers load of questions that came sparkling through his sweet mouth and his eye begin to glisten brightly. Chris eyes meet his eye lines as the world is swirling away all mixing together into a new realm as all everything’s and every one is mixing together and blending existence into one things. “Mr. Evans! Nice to finally meet your acquaintance! What is your favorite role that you have played up to now? Mine is Captain America, Ransom, Luke and my boy Johnny .” I say speaking from my soul.

“Chris? Chris? Where are you? Boo”

“Who are you? You are that guy right.”

“What guy? Mmmmwwwwwwaaaaaa”

“Did you just blow me a kiss?”

“You hated it?”

“Stay the fuck away from me”

“I will blowing much more of you “

“Oh Fuck you!”

“Language “

“Shit! Sorry “

“Your downfall begin now”

“What did I ever do to you ?”

“You saw me! You showed me such kindness”

“I knew we belonged together “

“I am married “

“Fuck that!”

“Do you see her?”

“I am in the forest “

“Are you? You are at home dummy”

“Of course! Sorry I am a dumbass “

“Love that Bostonian accent “

“It’s average”

“Like your package”

“Hey woah! That is no man’s land “

“I want to play it with it not suck it”

“You are a fucking liar”

“I don’t submit but I want you to claim you as my bitch”

Chris eyes stir back to the real world sighing as he looks at the ceiling with super smiling so silly it is unbelievable as the nightmare that he escaped a minute ago with that stalker. That is until he attempts to get up his body comes to realization of his current situation as his body struggles to undo the metal restraints holding him down and yankhim down.The fear apparent on his face calls to him in a strange bed fellow kind of way he may be into this, does he actually the terror aspect of his life? Can he really be into type fear kink? That is sick! He cannot be that guy to be in the most vulnerable person in the world holding him back a bit he slowly tries to calm himself down and find a way to leave this shit.The man is in the house he freaks out thinks to himself he could free himself maybes as he envisions his body, he could race up to the windows pulling it up a she struggles to exit the window and he makes a major run for it crossing the street then past all of the area. He felt the sweat piling onto him profusely as his brow began to itch as he footsteps growing more intense and even louder as he climbs up to the main and floor entering the room the door closes up leaving us no room to escape and Chris knew there is no way for him to win. “Hey Chris! Chris Evans! Pretending to not hear me because you can’t stand the sight of me. Replacing me with someone of something you like can’t and won’t work Chris. Since I am the real man here.” He whispers kneeling down to him as he places kissing map from Chris lips to his cheek and blowing air into his ear as Chris trembles with shakes at my power and soon he will be in love with him.

“Will you be mine without any issues?”

“I love you”

“Get off!”

“Why should I get off?”

“You should beg me”

“I am telling you GET OFF”

“Fuck that Will you surrender nicely”

“Get a life “

“I do”

“And maybe?”

“I want yours “

“You need to release me or my wife “

“Your wife, your wife “

“Yeah! Take my hand”

“Your wife is not here”

“She will be soon”

“And she is not coming back”

“So forget about it”

“I think…wait”

“What was I saying “

“How much you love me”

“I love my stalker “

“No! You are my stalker “

“Oh Hey!

“How did you find me Chris?”

“Don’t be scared of me”

“No! No! Ssssshhhhh”

“I just want to have some fun”

“At my expense “

“No with you “

The end

[abbyromanoff]

Too Late

Pairings: Natasha Romanoff x reader, Wanda Maximoff x reader

Word count: 1465

Warnings: angst, unrequited love, sad!Wanda, self doubt, anger, sadness

No one is permitted to steal, copy, or reblog my work as their own!!

Wanda wiped the nervous sweat off of her hands and grabbed the red roses. She gave them a small sniff, smiling slightly to herself when the fresh smell hit her senses. She had been planning this moment for almost a year now. The day she joined the Avengers, she was immediately drawn to you. Your beauty outshined anyone she’d ever seen. You were majestic, an angel sent from heaven. She never believed in the Gods before you came around. She started to wonder what God gave her the blessing of the most beautiful person entering her life.

You were there with her through it all. When she lost her brother and pushed everyone away, you were there. When she had nightmares and woke up scared and afraid, you were there. And when she needed help on how to ask out the person she was in love with, you were there. You didn’t know who it was, of course, you didn’t. You were oblivious and she was too scared to tell you. You had given her some advice, telling her to give this special someone some flowers and to pour her heart out, even if she got hurt in the end.

She hoped you’d like this, she spent hours going over a speech on how much she loved you, her mirror was probably sick of hearing it. The rest of the afternoon she spent picking out flowers for you at your favorite store, she loved taking you there. Her heart warmed up any time she got to spend time with you, and whenever you’d ask her, she’d always say yes.

Her legs bounced as she picked herself up, walking to your door and waiting a moment to knock. She let her fist collide with the door, wiping the few strands of hair out of her face. She was beyond nervous, more scared than she’s ever been. What if you said no? What if you just saw her as a friend? What if’s ran through her head like a track star. She didn’t want this all to be for nothing, she just wanted you to be her girl once and for all.

Before the door opened, she heard a small ‘come in’. She assumed it was you, even if the voice sounded a little different from your own. When she heard footsteps coming even closer, she knew this was it. She was going to ask you to be hers once and for all, she finally was going to gain the courage to do this.

But when you opened the door, it wasn’t you. It was Nat. The woman she hated most. You and Nat have always gotten along, even knowing each other since the Red Room. She was your safe place, as were you to her. She had always been deeply in love with you. It had been nearly six years of her loving you. And now, she finally had you.

“Y/N, I need to come clean.” Nat had asked you to have a seat with her, stating she needed to talk to you. You were worried, afraid she would’ve said something bad. Was she going on a long mission? Did she not want to talk to you anymore? Did she hurt someone or herself?

“For as long as I can remember, I liked you. No, not even like. I fucking love you, Y/N. I love you more than myself, I love you more than I thought was ever possible. I can’t be your friend anymore, not when I want more. I tell you everything, I feel like I can tell you everything and you’ll listen. I’m not asking for you to love me or even like me back. All I’m asking is that this doesn’t make things weird between us. The last thing I want is to lose you-” Before she could let out another word, your mouth made its way to her own. She didn’t kiss back at first, not being able to register that this was real life. But when she finally came to her senses, she kissed you like no one has ever kissed you before.

It was filled with love and pure passion. It was everything she had imagined in her mind yet still even better. She leaned back, looking at you with hazy eyes that were marked with want and need.

“I want to prove my love to you, I want to make you feel my love. But, I don’t want to if you don’t want that. Tell me what you want, please. I’m more than happy with just holding you if that’s what you want.”

“I want it, I want you. Please make love to me. Please touch your girl, Nat.” Her body toppled over your own, leaving a strong peck on your lips as she lowered you to lay down on the bed. Her hands made their way to the bottom of your shirt, begging to lift it up and see what was beneath.

“My beautiful girl, so lucky to have you.”

“Hey, Wanda. What’s up?” She was in boxers and a wife beater, her necklace that she always wore still covering her chest. Her arm was resting against the wooden doorframe, leaving a small gap for anyone to walk through.

“Oh, Nat. Uhm, have you seen, Y/N? Are they in here?”

“Babe? Who is it?” Your body made view to her eyesight, being dressed in Nat’s sweatshirt and what looked like nothing for pants. Wanda connected the dots in her head, putting the image together and realizing what was happening. She was too late, you already found someone else. She watched the way Nat’s arm wrapped around your shoulders and pulled you close into her, smiling to herself as she left a small peck on your head. It was as if time was moving in slow motion, watching you giggle and move close into Nat’s body made her heart shatter.

“Nat! Wands is right here! I’m sorry, Wanda, what did you need?” She opened her mouth, the words trying to escape her being stuck. She hid the flowers by her side, the embarrassment hitting her like a ton of bricks.

“Uh, nothing. Nothing, just was going to see if you were free.” She saw your eyes wander to the object in her hands, giving a small smirk her way.

“You finally doing what I told you and asking the mystery girl out, hm?”

“Oh? Does little Wanda have a crush?” Nat teased, mimicking a baby voice to piss off her friend, or at least who she thought was her friend. Wanda faked a laugh, hiding the tears that threatened to escape her eyes.

“I was actually going to tell you that I’m finally going to ask them out, and I was just going to thank you for the advice. That’s all.” Saying those words crushed her almost even more than seeing you with her. It wasn’t all, all she wanted was you but she couldn’t have you. She lost that chance.

“Well, I’m glad you finally decided to listen to me. Nat and I hid our feelings for each other and she finally told me. If she never did, I wouldn’t be kissing her right now.” Nat leaned in to give you another kiss, this time on the lips. It was almost like she was bragging, showing off that she has you. If only she knew. If only she knew how she’d stay up every night thinking about you. If only she knew how her smile grew whenever you were near. If only she knew the number of pages used up in her journal about you and just you. What did she even do to deserve you? Did she even try? Did she buy your favorite flowers and spend hours working on a speech? Did she love you as much as Wanda loved you?

“I know she’ll love you, Wanda. Anyone would be an idiot to not want you, babes.” You could never be an idiot in her eyes, even if you stated it yourself. Even if you were the biggest idiot in the world, you’d still be perfection in her eyes.

“Yeah, I hope so.” And with that, she walked away. Not giving you another glance as her heart shattered. She wondered if it was a twin thing because she felt like she had been shot in the heart. By your arrow. By her one true love. She didn’t know if she’d ever move on, how could she? There was no better than you, but there clearly was a better than her. Maybe if she had gotten there earlier, maybe she would’ve been the one kissing you, holding you. Maybe she could’ve deserved your love. But maybe, she didn’t deserve your love after all.

[flightlessangelwings]

Those Three Words

Comandante Veracruz x fem!reader "Cariño" Word count- 2.2k Warnings- smut (18+ ONLY!), roughish sex, feelings, arguments, squirting, creampie, wall sex, pussy slapping, multiple orgasms, no use of y/n Notes- This is it y'all! After about 60k words, we finally get a feelings confession! Out loud! On purpose! And just in time for Valentines Day lol! Big thank you to @ithinkhesgaybutwesavedmufasa​ for the initial idea for how this goes! This follows the events of the unofficial series but can be read on its own. Enjoy! To stay up to date on when I post, feel free to also follow my update blog and turn on post notifs @flightlessangelwings-updates​

~

Fresh air and sunshine hit your face as you walked down the street. It had been some time since you got outside, and you were determined to enjoy every moment of it. And while you understood and appreciated when Veracruz kept you in his apartment for weeks for your own protection, the isolation started to get to you.

It was the first time your life had actually been threatened, and Veracruz did not handle it well. He went through every length he could to keep you protected, and yet he still faced the nightmare of seeing you at the end of a gun. It was something he hated, and something he never wanted to relive. So, he made you promise to stay inside for a while until he was sure there were no more threats against you.

And you trusted the comandante to keep you safe. You trusted his judgment, and you knew he would protect you at all costs. At first too, you were too afraid to leave the sanctity of his apartment… his bedroom. But, as the weeks passed and no other threats came up, your sense of urgency faded. 

His didn’t though.

So, one day when he was out, you decided enough was enough and you set outside for the first time in weeks. You didn’t go far, just to the store and for a walk around the neighborhood, but it was enough to satisfy you. And you tried to time it so that you would be back before Veracruz got home.

You hummed to yourself as you unlocked the door to his apartment and let yourself in. It was quiet, and you figured you got away with it as you set your things down. But, the sound of a throat clearing made your heart sink in your chest.

Slowly, you turned around and saw Veracruz in the middle of the apartment, his gun in his hand and a flustered look on his face. The flash of fear quickly melted away when you met his gaze and his expression morphed into more of a scowl as the anger set in.

“And where were you today, cariño?” Veracruz snapped as he slammed his gun down.

Your heart pounded in your chest as he looked at you with rage in his eyes. But, you fought to keep your cool; you knew he would never hurt you, “I just went down the street to get some things, V.”

Veracruz scoffed, “Did I not tell you to stay here?” his tone was louder and harsher than he meant to be as he lashed out at you, “I gave you orders to stay here!” he shouted as he stepped closer towards you. 

“Orders?!” you scoffed, “V I’m not one of your soldiers!”

“No you are not,” he roared, “My soldiers know how to listen to me!”

“I do listen to you V,” angry tears filled your eyes, “But you can’t keep me locked up here forever. You know that!”

“Well you could have fooled me! Why must you be so fucking brainless sometimes?!” 

“Why are you being such an asshole about this, V?!” you snapped, “I just went down the street. I’m fine. Nothing happened!”

“You are infuriatingly stubborn, cariño,” he shouted back.

“I thought you liked that I’m not a pushover,” you didn’t back down, “I don’t get why you’re so angry! I’m fine!” you paused and stared at him before you added with a softer voice, “Is it because you love me?”

Veracruz roared back without hesitation, “Yes!”

You froze.

He froze.

For several long moments, neither of you moved, too lost in the other’s eyes and emotions to say anything. You didn’t expect him to say yes, and especially not so quickly. And Veracruz’s own feelings caught even himself off guard. Heavy breaths were the only sound in the room for what felt like an eternity, and the tension was so palpable that you could cut it with a knife.

You were the first to move. You took a deep breathing, gathering your strength and your courage before you spoke, “Then say it.”

Veracruz scoffed as he rolled his eyes and placed his hands on his hips, “You know I do, cariño. Have my actions not proven that? Or do I need to count out the number of men I have killed for you?”

“I want to hear it,” you kept yourself steady, “Out loud. To my face,” tears filled the corners of your eyes out of anger and emotions, “No skirting around it. Not when I’m asleep. Not when you’re between my legs distracting me. Not when…”

“I LOVE YOU!” 

A gasp escaped your throat. Even if that was what you wanted, hearing those three words out loud made you feel even more emotional than you expected. And you certainly thought he needed more convincing to say them.

Veracruz huffed as he threw his hands in the air and paced in circles. All the while, he dissolved into a flurry of Spanish rambling about how much you drove him crazy and how insufferable you were and he didn’t know why he loved you.

But his tirade was cut short when you crossed the room, grabbed his collar and slammed your lips against his. Veracruz’s eyes went wide for a moment as you pressed your body against his, your mouth covering his own. But, he quickly regained his composure and grabbed onto your hips and kissed you back with equal passion.

Veracruz turned you around and while your lips parted for him, he backed you up against the nearest wall. He swallowed the moan you let out and used your momentarily distraction to deepen the kiss more. He groaned as he bucked his hips against yours as he pinned you to the wall.

“You are fucking insufferable, cariño,” he murmured lowly in your ear.

“Takes one to know one, V.” 

Veracruz scoffed, but you felt the flash of his smirk against your skin as he nosed your neck. His hands ran down your body and landed on your hips in order to yank you flush against him. You whimpered as you arched your back, desperate to feel as much of Veracruz’s strong body against you. Heat quickly rose between the two of you as he tugged at your clothes, making quick work of stripping you.

Instead of simply surrendering this time, you pulled at his clothes with just as much need. Most times, you were content for him to stay clothed while he laid you bare, but this time was different. This time, feelings were truly and completely involved. You wanted- needed- to feel his bare skin against yours. Nothing laid between the two of you emotionally anymore, and you didn’t want anything physical to barrier you from your comandante.

He growled in your ear as clothes flew off your bodies in a flurry. Both of you panted heavily as desperation rose between you, as if you didn’t fuck right then and there, the world would implode. To both of you, though, it truly felt like that. Veracruz couldn’t face the world without you there, as much as it pained him to admit it. And you… you never wanted to be without him.

In a flash, Veracruz spun you around the moment you were naked and you huffed as your face was suddenly smashed against the wall. You whined with need as you drove your ass against his body in a silent plea for him.

“Impatient today, cariño,” Veracruz murmured in a low groan as he pumped his cock a few times.

“Says the man who is about to fuck me against the living room wall,” you quipped back with a smirk.

Veracruz cursed under his breath, but the desire was too great to argue. He rocked his hips against yours, the tip of his cock nudging against your folds. Groans from both of you echoed in the room as he felt how wet you were, and you felt how hard he was. You felt Veracruz’s cock twitch against your body, and as much as you wanted this right now, part of you wished you could see his face.

But Veracruz couldn’t see yours either as you rested your forehead against the wall and clung to it to hold yourself upright. He knew you well enough though to know that your mouth hung open as your eyes fluttered shut. He felt the heat from your body, especially from your core where his cock hovered.

With a low growl, Veracruz couldn’t hold back anymore, he grabbed your hip with one hand as he pushed himself into you. Both of you let out gasps as he filled you. Slowly at first, Veracruz savored the warmth of you at surrounded him as he heard your nails scratch at the wall. But when you let out a loud moan, he slammed himself fully the rest of the way inside you, filling you to the brim.

You cried out in pleasure as you threw your head back and welcomed the comandante inside your body. He immediately started pounding into you, holding your hips as he set his harsh and past pace. 

Skin slapped against skin as Veracruz rocked into you over and over again. Moans and screams and grunts filled the room as he thrust his cock with precision. Veracruz gritted his teeth as he watched his length disappear inside you again and again. It was hard and fast and rough and needy, just like times before when he fucked you. Yet, despite the familiarity, this time felt different.

This time was different because he was more raw than he had ever been before. This time was different because for the first time in his life, Veracruz confessed his feelings out loud. This time was different because this meant this was more than just sex, and you both knew it for certain. You had told him you loved him before, but he never spoke those words out loud… until now.

“Mine,” Veracruz growled as he yanked your hips up and pulled your body up so that your back was flush against his chest.

You let out a heavy exhale as you felt your body pulled like you were a ragdoll, but because it was Veracruz… your V… you didn’t care. Your hands stayed on the wall in front of you to brace yourself as your eyes opened and you looked up at the ceiling. But, your eyes quickly closed again when Veracruz bit down on the sensitive skin at the base of your neck. 

You screamed as you clenched your inner muscles around his cock, causing him to groan against your skin. Both you and Veracruz felt like you were drowning as you swam in your passions. His hands gripped you tightly, as if he told you without the words that he was never letting you go. 

And you never wanted him to let you go. You were his. And he was yours. You loved Veracruz. And he…

“Let me feel you cum, cariño,” Veracruz growled in your ear as he sped up his pace, “Show me what is mine. Show me what belongs to me.”

“V…” you moaned as you felt your skin tingle, “I’m yours… All yours… Please…”

“All mine…”

When Veracruz snaked a hand around your body and rubbed at your clit, the dam broke. Your climax hit without warning as you came with a loud scream. You slumped forward as your entire body trembled and you felt yourself gush. Your head leaned against the wall once more as you felt Veracruz’ cock hit your sweet spot over and over again, the entire time he growled and groaned as he felt you come apart around his cock.

“It’s it cariño…” he cooed as he slapped your pussy and clenched his jaw. It took every once of willpower within him to hold off his own orgasm, but he knew it would be worth it.

You screamed as he slapped your overly sensitive clit over and over again until you came for a second time. Your nails ripped into the wall, screeching the wallpaper there, but neither of you cared. All that mattered was Veracruz, and you moaned his name over and over again as you rode out your second climax right after your first.

“Fuck…” he groaned as he couldn’t hold back any longer. With a low growl of your name, Veracruz thrust himself as deep as he could into you as he spilled himself deep inside your body. Wave after wave of pleasure crashed through both your bodies as you rode out your highs on each other’s bodies. 

Fully spent, Veracruz wrapped his arm around you and slumped forward, joining you against the wall. His cock slipped out of you as he lunged forward, causing you both to gasp, but he never let you go. Neither of you spoke or moved for several moments, and the sounds of heavy breaths were the only sound in the room.

“Hey V…” you broke the silence first.

“Hmm?”

“I love you,” you whispered without moving, your face still buried into the wall.

He huffed and you felt the smile in even just the short exclamation, “And I…” he paused, “Love you too cariño,” he paused again before he added more sternly, “Do not get used to hearing that every day.”

You let out a short laugh; he truly was much more agreeable after you two had sex, “Of course not,” you smirked, “A man has his reputation to keep after all.”

Veracruz scoffed.

“I know you do though,” you added in a soft tone, “And you know I do too.”

“That I do cariño,” he agreed as he stroked your body, “That I do.” 

[natsarrownecklacx]

Dead Of Night, To Far

Wanda Maximoff x reader

Summary- A few weeks later… Wanda asks if you love her, the answer she receives is neither one she expected nor was prepared for

Word Count- 2,685

Warnings- character death, strangulation, unwanted touch, nightmare, I think that’s it

Series Masterlist

ᗢ <3 ᗢ <3 ᗢ <3 ᗢ <3 ᗢ <3 ᗢ <3 ᗢ <3 ᗢ <3 ᗢ

“Do you love me?” Wanda mumbles against the skin of your shoulder, taking a short break from trailing kisses there to speak the words into the room. Her eyes are closed as she does so, just as they have been for the past few minutes, savoring the feeling of your skin against her lips.

Wanda stays silent as she waits for your answer, resting her forehead against your shoulder. She waits five seconds, ten, fifteen. It’s too quiet. Wanda opens her eyes, moving them immediately to your face, searching for a reason as to why you haven’t answered her. But you don’t move. You don’t look her way. You simply lie there, staring straight ahead of you at the ceiling.

Wanda thinks you must not have heard her. So she repeats the words again, louder this time, leaving a gentle nip to your shoulder as she does so, thinking that will draw your attention to her.

Still, you don’t move. You give her absolutely no indication of having heard her. Of even acknowledging she’s talking to you. You just lie there. Unmoving.

“Y/n.” Wanda calls your name, growing frustrated at the lack of interaction from you. “Y/n.” She says louder this time, grabbing your jaw in her left hand to tilt your face towards her. 

The expression you wear is not one she is familiar with when it comes to you. It’s as though you're completely void of emotion. Of sympathy. Of joy. Of fear. Of love. All that’s left is a hollowed out husk of a person. One that, from what Wanda can see in your eyes, is quickly filling with unfathomable rage.

Your eyes are empty, your breathing heavy. As though an unbearable weight physically sits on your chest and you are doing your best to drag air into your lungs, expelling the air as fast as you can before they explode from the pressure. 

“Why are you being like this?” Wanda asks, hurt clear in her voice. “Y/n.” She says softer this time, moving her hand holding your jaw up to cup your cheek. In hopes that the action would soothe you enough to calm you.

“I hate you.” You say, exhaling a heavy breath. “I hate you so much I can’t move, I can’t breathe! I hate that you did this to me, you took me from my life. I had a family!” You scream at her, getting up on the bed, kneeling across from her to put some distance between you.

“I hate that you hold me so gently, like you're afraid I’ll break. I hate that when you have a nightmare about the old y/n you hold me so tightly, like you're afraid I’ll disappear. I hate that despite everything you’ve done to me you still think I actually like it when you touch me. As if you think your touch will magically fix everything you’ve done thats so fucked up! Your touch makes me feel sick." Your voice drops as you mumble the last words, as though the sheer sincerity behind them is sitting heavily on you. A memory of her touching you flashes in your mind, Wanda seeing it as she reads your thoughts. The memory only serves to make your skin tighten around you.

Wanda’s eyes fill with tears as she listens to your rage induced ranting. Her heart clenching painfully in her chest, this can’t be real.  “Why are you saying all of this? You love me. You told me you love me.” She whispers the last part, as though her fragile heart could not bare the reality of her words. As if the poor thing would give out at any moment. You told her you loved her. You’d lied to her. She believed you. 

“Of course I said I love you, you crazy bitch! You could have killed me with a flick of your wrist and just moved on to torture another universes version of me with your presence. I used to want to keep that from happening to any more of us but I can’t take this anymore! I hate you! I’d rather die than spend one more minute with you!” Tears streaming down your face as you scream the words at her. The desperation in your eyes a telling sign that you mean what you say.

Wanda’s tear stricken face matches your own, her tears still falling as she tries to process what you’ve said. She thought she’d found you, that she could be happy and have you back. But she was lying to herself. You were lying to her. 

Wanda steals her expression, refusing to let you see her cry anymore. “Fine.” She says, her eyes void of emotion. She feels something dark flicker inside her, as though a small root of something evil long forgotten is growing rapidly, weaving its way around inside her and knotting around her heart.

Waving her wrist in the air Wanda summons her magic to wrap around your body. Her eyes flash a dark red as she watches her red tendrils quickly tighten to choke the life out of you. Your body constricting under the force of her powers. 

Wanda watches you intently as she suffocates you with her magic. Crushing you. Bleeding the life from your body. She listens as you cough and splutter for air, trying desperately to get oxygen into your lungs.

She watches, not taking her eyes off you for even half a second, just to make sure that you didn’t say what you did in a fit of rage. At least that's what she tells herself. She watches in hopes that you didn’t mean it. That you do love her, as you promised her you did. Not because she finds the sight so utterly addictive. No, of course not. She’s not that kind of person. 

She watches as your eyes remain pleading the entire time she strangles you with her magic. Not for forgiveness or for her to stop, but for a faster death. For mercy in the form of eternal release. The escape that death will grant. If only it would come sooner. 

The sight should scare her, seeing what she’s doing to the person she loves. But she’s too entranced in what she’s seeing to fully register anything other than the feelings the look in your eyes causes her. One of delight, pure, carnal, unending and evil delight. 

When your final moments arrive and you realize you are soon going to die Wanda watches as relief floods your eyes. You’ll never have to see her again, the thought flashes through your mind too fast before you go, but Wanda catches it. 

The thought makes her click back to her senses. She watches in terror as the color drains from your face and your eyes roll to the back of your head. Your body goes limp in her hold, the feelings she previously felt about her actions recede fast, leaving behind only fear and terror.

Wanda stops, she screams, as if she’s only now realizing what she’s done. She scrambles to the other side of the bed, where your lifeless body rests, and takes you into her arms. She sobs as she rocks you back and forth, mumbling incoherent I’m sorrys and I love yous.

Wanda can’t believe she just did that. She hurt you like that, in such a brutal and slow, painful way. She can’t believe she has to grieve your death again, the pain of it already weighing heavily on her shoulders. But she deserves to hurt this way, she knows that, she hurt you. How could she do that? How could she allow herself to do that?

“Wanda.” A voice calls out to her, distantly. But she’s too busy stroking your hair behind your ear and pleading with you to please come back to her to even notice it. 

“Wanda.” The voice calls out again. It fades into the room around her, peeling the paint off the walls and stripping the room, slowly, of everything inside it. 

She peppers kisses all over your face. Mumbling words of remorse as she does so. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Please come back to me. I can’t do this without you.”

Your warmth is still there, the one Wanda always craves to hold her on her bad days. You still smell the same, the same scent she buries her nose is just to feel close to you. You're still you. You're still here, only you're not. The only difference is the absence of the rise and fall of your chest and of course… a heart beat.

I can’t do this again, she thinks. But it’s too late. Wanda knew that as soon as she saw you go limp in her magics hold. You're gone. And she knows, without any doubt, that the relief in your eyes when you realized you could go would haunt her for the rest of her life. 

“Wanda!” The voice comes again, louder this time and Wanda does notice it. It’s a voice she recognises, because how could she ever forget that voice. Wanda looks up from your body, searching for the source of the voice, only to be met with a seemingly never ending void of darkness surrounding her. 

She screams into the void. Yelling out for the owner of the voice. If she could just see her, just one more time. 

A figure in the distance breaks through the never ending blackness around her. The person moving closer and closer until they stand right in front of her.

When the figure stands close enough for Wanda to make out who it is, her hold on your lifeless body tightens, pulling you to her chest with her hand held securely against your head while the other wraps around your body.

It’s her. It’s Wanda. Dressed in the same outfit she used to wear day in day out before she got you back. The black ink on her fingers runs higher than Wanda’s does, consuming her whole hand up to her wrist. Her eyes are darker, scarier, more unhinged. A sick smile rests on her face as she takes in the sight of your body in her other selves arms.

“Leave her alone.” Wanda bites at her mirror self, seeing her reach out a hand to touch you.

Her counterpart simply smiles at her, the evil look in her eye growing as she answers. “You’ve already taken care of her, Honey. There’s nothing left to protect her from.” 

Wanda’s heart physically hurts her hearing those words. Her arms tighten on you again, pulling you into her as if she could somehow absorb you. Bring you back to life. Protect you. As if she hadn’t already done the worst thing to you. 

The other Wanda leans in, using her hand to wipe away her variant's tears. Slowly, she leans in to whisper in the girls ear. “It’s alright, Sweetheart. Just move on to the next one.” She then pulls back, leaning in to place a kiss on Wanda’s forehead. Wanda closes her eyes feeling the other woman's lips on her. She feels a warmth in her chest, a comforting one. But she feels something else to, the black roots around her heart growing stronger. 

Wanda wakes to a light shake of her shoulders, she sits up in the bed gasping for air as she frantically looks around her. The void is gone, along with her shadow self, now replaced with her bedroom. Warm hands cup her face and she flinches, instinctively batting them away. 

“Wanda.” You say her name softly, concern evident in your voice.

She stops. Everything stops for a second. The only sound heard in the room is your combined breathing. It can’t be.

Slowly, Wanda turns her head in your direction. Her tear filled eyes meet your concerned ones and she immediately breaks down. She lunges forward wrapping her arms around you as she holds onto you for dear life. “I’m sorry.” She chants against the skin of your neck. “I’m so sorry.”

You don’t understand why she’s apologizing, but you do know that she needs you right now. Needs you to hold her. To tell her it’s okay, she’s okay. She’s safe.

Wordlessly, you gently maneuver her so that she’s sitting in your lap, her head resting against your chest. At first Wanda thinks you're trying to leave her, her fists tightening in the fabric of your sleep shirt in a poor attempt to keep you close. You rid her of her worries with whispered words or reassurance. She doesn’t remove her hands from your shirt, but you feel her grip relax slightly. You take it as a win, a sign that she may be calming down, even if only slightly.

Once she is settled in your lap, her head tucked against your chest where she can hear your heartbeat, you begin to rock her from side to side. You hold her for a while, letting her cry away her fear and sadness from whatever dream haunted her.

“Shhhhh, it was just a nightmare.” You whisper into the crown of her head, placing a gentle kiss there. “It was only a dream. I’m right here, I promise.” Wanda nods her head against your chest, your words assuring her more than you know. She’s here, Wanda thinks to herself, y/n is fine, you didn’t hurt her, she’s okay.

After a few minutes of silent tears Wanda removes her head from its place against your chest, your heartbeat and reassurance having soothed her enough to reemerge. Her eyes are puffy, stray tears slowly streaming down her cheeks, following the tracks of those that she shed before. 

“Do you love me?” She asks and the broken look in her eyes breaks your heart.

“Always.” You answer without an ounce of uncertainty, bringing your hand up to wipe away her tears then kissing the tip of her nose. 

Wanda closes her eyes, leading her head back against your chest. She’s drained, you can see it in her body language, so you lay back on the bed, her body lying on top of yours. She’ll fall asleep soon, you can feel her body already getting heavier as she drifts off in your arms. 

“Promise?” She asks, her voice filled with sleep, the exhaustion from the last 20 minutes taking a toll on her.

“I promise.”

Wanda falls asleep in your arms, sleeping peacefully through the rest of the night. When she wakes in the morning she immediately looks to your sleeping form on the bed. She reaches out for you, taking you in her arms she takes a deep breath, burying her head in the crook of your neck and breathing in the smell of your shampoo.

A smile spreads over her face. She has you. You love her. She can be happy. But then a thought creeps into her mind, one that scares her. Part of her liked when she hurt you in her dream. The fear she saw flash through your eyes excited a part of her she didn't even know existed.

Wanda tights her hold on you as that thought is followed up by another. One far scarier than the last. What if she does hurt you. What if she loses it, just like in her dream, and does something to harm you.

No. She wouldn't. She couldn't. But she did, and she liked it.

The thought makes her feel sick. Maybe the darkhold took more of a toll on her then she thought. She can feel its influence stir inside her, remembering the power she held over you in her dream. Then she remembers her alter self, the knotting darkness she brought out inside her. The memory makes something dark flicker in her eyes and her smile returns, more of a smirk now. 

If this is who she is now, she may as well make the most of it.

ᗢ <3 ᗢ <3 ᗢ <3 ᗢ <3 ᗢ <3 ᗢ <3 ᗢ <3 ᗢ <3 ᗢ

[bullet-prooflove]

Ex!Joe Part One: Left Behind - Joe Velasco x Reader

Tagging: @plaidbooks @misscharlielulu @witches-unruly-heart @storiesofsvu @magic-multicolored-miracle @rosaliedepp @cycat4077 @crazy4chickennuggets @cixrosie @im-just-a-mississippi-girl @mysoulisasunflower @legit9thlunaticwarrior @mydarkestsecretlol @the-adzukibean @wooshwastaken @kiwiithecrazybird @justreblogginfics @anime-weeb-4-life @alwaysachorusgirll @julieelliewrites @telepathay @weiwei0210 @nessamc @genius2050 @spaghettificationandpretzels @nu1freakshow

Joe knows why he goes out to bars and fucks strangers; he knows why he doesn’t form attachments with any of the women that he meets on apps like Tinder.

It’s because of you.

It’s because five years ago you broke his heart so badly that the damage felt like it was irreparable, like someone had cleaved his soul in two and took half away with them. You don’t come back from shit like that, he knows it. He still feels the loss, even all these years later.

There are times when he forgets, where he wakes up in bed and smiles before he rolls onto his side and remembers that you don’t live together anymore. He’d tried to you when he’s got back from his assignment, but you’ve moved on, taken a transfer out of the borough. He thought you were trying to get yourself as far away from him as you physically could.

The thing is that he has never been able to discern why you chose to leave him when you did. He’d been on assignment before, longer, more dangerous ones and you’d weathered it. He wasn’t sure why this one was any different. All he knows is that he came home and found a letter on the kitchen table.

“I’m sorry Joe, I just can’t do this anymore.”

The words are still seared into his brain after all of this time.

When you step into his Squad Room it sends him reeling. It’s like someone’s doused him in cold water and that carefully cultivated professionalism sails out of the window, he doesn’t even realise he’s on his feet until he hears his chair clatter against the cabinets behind him. He strides towards you with purpose despite the fact he has no idea what he actually intends to do.

It’s the shock he thinks, as he grabs your arm and hurls you into the hallway like you’re a perp. He’s causing a scene, he knows it but he can’t help it. They don’t understand what you did to him back then, how he hasn’t had functioning relationship since you left because it cut so fucking deep it scarred him.

“What the fuck?” You spit at him as you stand in a quiet section of the corridor.

“Yea.” He agrees, his dark eyes blazing as he drinks you in. He doesn’t want to admit it but you look good, your hair’s a little shorter than it used to be but so is his. He has to check himself, because his fingers are itching to reach out and run it through those pretty tresses. Instead he crosses his arms over his chest. “What the actual fuck are you doing here?”

“Your Captain called me in. You need help taking a statement for the Solovyov case.” You tell him, pointedly. “I’m not sure how many Russian speaking detectives you think there are in Manhattan but I’m what you’ve got.”

Fuck… He didn’t even know you were back in Manhattan, last time he had heard you were in Brooklyn, working on cases around Brighton Beach because of your dexterity with the language. Little Odessa was a safe distance he’d thought. You didn’t run in the same circles, no chance of bumping into each other.

“When did you even…” he begins, shaking his head.

“Last year.” You answer tipping your head away from him. “It was made very clear to me what would happen if I showed my face around Brighton Beach again so management transferred me over to Hate Crimes.”

He closes his eyes briefly. He wants to ask, it’s on the tip of his tongue but he refuses give you that, he refuses to give you anything. You don’t deserve his concern; you don’t deserve him. You walked away and left him fucking drowning. Right now he feels like he’s in a nightmare, he feels out of control and he hates it. You’re a disruption that he doesn’t need. He’s finally settling in here, he’s making friends, he’s putting down roots for the first time in his life and then you turn up….

It puts him on edge and he hates it.

“Just…” he starts before he lets out a sigh. “Don’t fuck this up for me alright? This is the first time I’ve had a home for a while, and I need it to stay that way.”

“Of course not.” You say softly as you meet his gaze and he feels the earth crumbling from right underneath his feet because even though it’s been five years, it feels like nothing has changed.

He’s still stupidly fucking in love with you. The distance hasn’t changed that, he thought it would have. That that hate and vitriol he had felt for you when he read that letter would manifest once more, but it doesn’t. Instead all he feels is yearning, it’s an ache he feels in the very core of his being and he thinks that hurts more than anything else because he sees that wedding band on your ring finger and he knows without a doubt that you’ve already let him behind.

Love Joe Velasco? Don’t miss any of his stories by joining the taglist here.

Like My Work? - Why Not Buy Me A Coffee

[jam-jar2]

I HAVE A STORY IDEA BUT I SUCK AT WRITING AND ILL DEFOS FUCK IT UP AND ABANDONE IT HALF WAY.

NIGHTCRAWLER x TWISTED PARTNER

I need someone to write a story about nightcrawler (kurt Wagner) from Xmen. So you know how kurt looks like a “demon” but he’s so sweet, generous and heavily religious too.

Well I always thought about him having a partner that kinda looks like lucifer in that fallen angel paint, basically looks angelic (red hair, pale eyes, blemish free skin, almost a glow to them) but they have a really cruel power, like a matter manipulation or nightmare based abilities? Maybe similar to wandas powers but more on the darker side, Idk.

Their relationship would be rocky, her questioning the world and thinking the worst of everyone because they’ve experienced so much hate and neglect but that’s what almost brought them close, they both experienced negative situations in life and comfort each other through the healing process. She find him to be a safe space and opens up slowly, he find her beauty and her strong will so mesmerising, he shows her in compliments and affection. She finds herself always looking for him, standing by his side when she can, they almost are inseparable.

So it comes to no surprise to their circle of friends when the two take things to the next step and decide to start dating (even tho people already thought yous were a thing, months ago)

Yous would be a slow ride , with her issues with being bare (emotional and physically) and he’s commitment to religion. She respects kurts beliefs and honers his wishes, as does he respect hers.

They are a strange couple visually but when you watch and get to know them, they seem like two pieces of the same puzzle and are perfect for each other.

But my favourite thing about this! Would be the situation of when someone is petrified of kurt purely based on his appearance (even though he’s been nothing but welcoming) and they clearly avoid him, but they find themselves unfortunately in the same room where kurts partner is.

They speak about how kurt freaks them out “his yellow eyes are so fucking weird, he’s the freakiest thing I’ve ever seen” kurts partner is getting pissed but it trying to ignore them, she promised to be better, kurt wants her to do good.

However the person signs their death sentence when they start to make false accusations, bringing up the whole religion thing but adds almost a creep aspect to it all, ranting kurt as some secret predator freak.

The line has been crossed, she snaps and no one can stop her.

Suddenly the room seems to shake or change or maybe the person feels different.

Then there’s kurts partner behind them, gripping their hair and pulling back to her lips are next to their ear “I’d watch what you’re saying or else I’ll cut out your tongue and stitch your mouth closed.” her eyes bloodshot and iris glowing red.

Then the person feels a pain around their mouth and when they go to touch, they feel that it has been stitched shut with thread.

They brush out crying and are trying to scream, but in reality, to everyone else nothing happened, this person just started crying out of the blue and are now scratching at their mouth ( their mouth is perfectly fine)

Then at the other side of the room, there’s kurts partner sipping coffee . Twirling her fingers around as faint smoke slightly radiats off her fingers, she smirks and stops her illusions, bringing the poor soul back to reality.

Of course she gets lectured but the professor and several others about the wrongs she did and how she can’t play judgment as she wishes, that she should’ve just brought this to the professor and he would’ve dealt to it.

She doesn’t seem fazes by any of these words, but when kurt voices his disappointment, oh boy she’s devastated.

She knows she’s a monster and that shes not a good person, but the love of her life might be thinking so too, damn that’s heartbreaking.

She explained that they were making horrible accusations about him and she couldn’t hve someone speak such disgusting word but him, but he explains that people with talk and she can’t stop everyone who doesn’t like him. She tilts her head confused because yes, she thinks she could.

She has to protect him, he was the purest thing in this world and she wishes to keep him like that.

Basically this stories giving “I’d let the world burn for you” angry villain vibes x happy sweetheart hero. But don’t get it twisted, I don’t want. He can fix her, she does better blah blah blah. No

They’d probably break up a lot but they’d still hold torches for each other. They would probably be in a weird cycle of “ I’ll change” messes up “we don’t work” and probably a lot of kurt having to get a reality check of ‘there’s no good guy, bad guy’ it’s not so black and white, he needs to accept that she’s not a hero but she’s not a villain either, that there’s a grey in all this and she is doing her best for what she’s been dealt.

She probably goes through a whole lot with the separation and try’s to flee to end her pain. Maybe she finds something that helps her brain with this idea of nightmare judgement.

She’s obviously come back, and in some way, be that bit wiser and more steady.

Idk if they’d be each other’s end game, but they’d definitely each other’s issues in any other relationships because of how close they are and obviously their past together.

It’s definitely a if one of them gets hurt, the other goes ape shit. If there’s a party and ones get attention off someone else, jealousy.

Maybe a near death experience to final slap these two to get together and stay together. Or a death experience to make it a tragical “the one who got away” and they live one with the other in their memories, never loving again because they’d never find anyone who comes close to their love.

[levirgil420]

Well I see a handsome boy (Clint Barton x teen!FTM reader)

Pairings: Clint Barton x teen!FTM reader

Synopsis: During a dysphoria episode, Clint is here to remind you you who you are 

Tw: angst,hurt/comfort,crying, talk about dysphoria, Intusive thought, fluff, please don’t read if it makes you uncomfortable

Note: You are all beautiful/handsome

You were having a really bad day, everythings was awful...First, the pills for your insomnia that Bruce gave you didn’t work so you find yourself with another sleepless night, then, your dysphoria came out...

In your bathroom, just looking at your reflection want to make you puke and you became a crying mess. It was not the first time dealing with it, discovering your transidentity made you aware of those problems and how to understand and calm them. But this time, the accumulation of missions plus the lack of sleep made your crisis much worse.

Now on your bathroom floor, you’re trying to steady your breath with exercices but they are not working as a result of a hard breakdown. Still in your head, you didn’t hear your name called by your fellow team mates: the Avengers who are in the kitchen. It’s always the same buzzing sound that completely cuts you out until you hear or “make out” several knoks. 

Unable to tell the person to leaves you alone and not to open the door, you muffled your cries with your hands and tried to be silent even with your sobs. Suddenly, the door opens with a loud sound making you flinch a little and you were seeing a worried Clint, panting:

Clint: It’s like the fourth time we called y-hey are you okay ?

You can’t help but snort and respond with sarcasm:

Y/N: I’m c-crying on my bath-bathroom floor and you ask me if I-I’m okay ? Do I look like I’m fu-fucking okay to you ? 

Clint face softened when he saw the state you were in and he immediately went by your side with a respectful distance.

Clint: Can I hug you ?

He knows your limites and when you shook your head no, he only puts an open hand on the floor for you to take it. Craving for little human comfort, his hand became the most important thing to you so you squeeze it as if your life depended on it. He squeezes back with the same strenght and he gently moved his thumb in a circular motion over your hand while you are crying. 

A few minutes later, you regain your breath, some sniffles can be heard and during your episode, without noticing, you got closer to Clint needing more comfort; He didn’t say anything but his arms were around you in a tight embrace and you do the same. 

Clint: Do you want to talk about it ? 

Y/N: It was just a bad day, it’ll pass

Clint: Nope, don’t do that, it’s not only a “bad day” so talk to me, I’m here kiddo.

The nickname made your heart soft and new tears appears in your eyes.

Y/N: I feel so awful...Why I can’t control anythings today ? Dysphoria is bitch, I hate it, I hate how I look, I hate my chest, I fucking hate myself ! Why I’m not normal like everyone ? Why I have this body...I’ll never be a boy for them. And I’m so tired. I just want one good night of sleep without nightmares or fucking intrusive thoughts.

Clint was right, venting is making you feel a little bit better but the guilt came rapidly.

Y/N: I’m so sorr-

Clint: Don’t.

Y/N:-y.

Clint: Y/N, you did nothing wrong, you don’t have to apologize for telling me that you’re not okay. Like I said, I’m here for you and if venting make you feel a little better then everything’s fine. You know, I’m so proud of you, and all the team think the same. You are always here to help peoples and always so kind and funny with us. You are strong and you're skills are amazing. And well I only see one handsome boy here and plot twist it's not me.

Y/N: Hey no, you're handsome too !

Clint: Thank you but we are not talking about me. We all saw you as a boy because you are a boy Y/N, nothing will changes that. I know that dysphoria is a demon you have to fight but you don't have to do it alone. I am here, Nat are here too and all the team wants to help you kid. We love you for who you are and not for what your head is telling you.

Unable to speak through your tears, you just squeeze Clint more in your arms and he do the same with you.

Y/N: T-Thank you Clint, I needed it.

Clint: You're welcome kiddo, glad I could help you. Now come on, I think Wanda made your favorite.

The both of you get up. You wipe your face with Clint's help and went to join the others. On the way to the kitchen, you spot Pietro who sent you a wave with a smil. You do the same with a smile on your own and he enters the room.

Clint: You should really ask him out.

Y/N: Don't start...

Clint: What !? It's obvous that you two like each other !

Y/N: Clint stop !

He laughs and you nudge him on the shoulder. Well you are definitely blushing now.

----------------------------------------------------

Thank you so much for reading this !I hope you enjoyed this story !

Sorry for my mistakes, english is not my first language :)

[workingforthewidow]

5:34 am I was about to start my day-

I’m alive lol! Sorry for the long wait but I’m here I’m alive. Just had to get over the flu, dizzy spells, and salmonella poisoning lol. Here is part 8 of Sun to Me! I have part 9 done as well and maybe 10 done/almost done!

This story is NSFW and not for minors- if you are under 18 go ask your legal guardian if you can watch the movie.

Warnings: kidnapping, forced marriage, dub-con, attempted non-con, abuse, Stockholm syndrome, age gap (15 years- K&C are 19 Sinclairs are freshly 34) Don’t like it don’t read it,

Sun to Me Masterlist

“Fucking hell. Where the fuck did they go?” Bo ran his hands through his hair as he paced. He had tried to keep up with the girls and the visitors but lost them when they took a turn. “Those fucking little bitches. Can’t believe they fucking tricked us. I don’t care how pretty they are, I’m going to beat her with my bare hands.” His anger was at an all time high. It had been 3 hours and they couldn’t find the girls or the visitors.

Vincent had been sitting in the house watching Bo pace as he wrote out his thoughts-

~How are you so sure they are trying to run? These last two months have been good after that last attempt. Which was deserved after that stunt you pulled. Maybe the visitors took them. Thinking they were in danger. They’re on foot they couldn’t have gotten far.~

Bo winced reading the note. He didn’t like to remember what happened the day of his birthday. He would hate himself and what he did to Caroline for the rest of his life and even in the hereafter. He took a breath and closed his eyes trying to calm himself. He opened his mouth to say something when the door opened. He turned and the sight was something he never would have imagine in his wildest dreams.

There stood his babygirl, his little innocent wife who cried when she saw Jonesy kill a squirrel and had nightmares during thunderstorms, with blood splattered all over her face, her jeans, and the shirt she had stolen from his dresser, and a knife in her hand.

“I got one of them but Katie is still running over the girl. And boy is she’s mad. I don’t think I’ve seen Katie that mad in a while.” She said it like it was nothing. “I imagine if you want to be able to use the body you should get to her before Katie’s done with her.” She turned and started walking back in the direction where Bo assumed Katie and the victim were running.

Bo finally came out of the shock he was trapped in and ran after her, grabbing her around the waist. “The fuck you think you’re doing girl.” The anger was coming back into his body full speed.

“Obviously trying to get back to my sister before she completely destroys a human body. Duh.”

“Oh no. You are going to back up to that house, cleaning yourself up, and getting my dinner ready, like the good little wife you are suppose to be.” Bo turned and started walking her towards the house. “You are in so much trouble little girl.”

“And here I thought you would find it kinda hot or are you just jealous the guy I killed was bigger than yours.” Bo dropped her and turned her to face him his hands going to her face.

“The fuck you mean the one you killed?”

“I took this knife,” she held up the bloodied knife in his face, “and I stabbed him. Right here.” She tapped the tip of the blade over his heart. “I mean I did have him on the ground after I hit him in the head with a chair. But I’m still pretty proud of myself.” She shrugged and waited for a response.

Bo’s emotions were flipping so fast he didn’t know what to do. He felt anger at her for not following the rules, pride in her that she had taken down a tourist, and she was right he was insanely hard in his jeans at the sight of her. He let the third emotion take over and grabbed her face in his hands and kissed her hard.

“We will be having a long talk about this later little girl. Show us where they went.” He released her face and she started off in the direction Katie had run.

Bo and Vincent followed and soon they found Katie looking very similar to Caroline. The body of the woman at her feet.

At the sound of their footsteps Katie looked up, it took all of his self control for Vincent not to grab her. He didn’t know it but he was having the same confusing feelings as Bo. He couldn’t decide if he was angry, proud, or turned on.

“Wow you didn’t completely chop her to bits. Proud of you!” Caroline laughed and Katie nodded.

“It was really hard. Fucking bitch got me good.” She lifted her left arm and sure enough there was a long scratch mark down her forearm.

Caroline took Katie’s arm and examined it, “I can fix that. Doesn’t look like it’ll need stitches. Should be good with a bandage wrap.”

Bo and Vincent jaws dropped (well Vincent’s would if he didn’t have his mask on) they looked to each other to see if the other had figured out what was going on and what happened to their sweet girls.

Katie finally looked to Vincent and smiled, “Hello darling. I missed you.” She moved towards him and put her hand on his chest. He grabbed her arm and looked over it, clearly not happy with her injury, “I’ll be okay, just a scratch.” She tried to reassure him but that clearly wasn’t going to be easy.

“Okay what the fuck is going on here?” Bo’s voice boomed out. “You know the rules. Stay home and don’t talk to strangers. You two are going home, cleaning up, putting on your pretty little dresses, making dinner, and waiting for us. We are gonna clean up this mess. Dinner better be on the fucking table and you better be ready to explain.”

Katie looked to Vincent who nodded in agreement with his twin. Caroline took Katie’s hand and they walked back to the house.

“Well that went better than I thought it would.”

—

Bo and Vincent walked into the house to find exactly what they asked for, dinner on the table and the girls cleaned up in their pretty dresses. Vincent took note of the bandage wrapped around Katie’s arm. Seeing the boys enter, they stood and went to them. Their nerves could be felt through the thickness in the air. They knew the boys weren’t not happy. They tried their best to impress them cleaning up nice, doing their hair and makeup, and even made them pot roast again.

“Sit.” Bo ordered, Caroline immediately did as told, while Katie looked to Vincent. When he crossed his arms and nodded Katie hurried to follow suit. Bo and Vincent took their seats and plates were made in silence. No one spoke for a few minutes everyone just eating.

“You better have a good explanation for that little stunt you just pulled. You could’ve been killed.” Bo said stabbing into a potato with a little more force than was truly needed.

The girls looked to each other and Katie took a breath explaining everything the best she could about they figured out what was going on and how they ended up out there tonight.

After her speech with a few add-ins from Caroline the only response they got was some hums and nods. Fear was starting to creep in their bodies as they cleaned the kitchen after dinner, the boys eyes falling them every move they made. Once things were cleaned the stood next to their husbands.

Vincent took Katie’s hand and lead her to their room while Bo did the same with Caroline. The girls had no idea what the night had in store but seeing as they weren’t dead and no one was crying they hoped it would go okay.

—

Bo closed the door to their room and turned to find a well welcomed sight, his baby on her knees, hands folded on her thighs, and her head down.

“I’m sorry Bo. I knew the rules and I didn’t follow them. I’m sorry. You made the rules for a reason, to keep me safe. I’m sorry.” Her voice was so small and so soft. His perfect girl.

Bo put his hand on her cheek and she looked up to him tears glistening in her eyes, “Get your pajamas on and get to bed babygirl.”

He was mad. Oh lord was he mad. It was taking everything in his power to control his anger. Luckily Vincent had had the forethought to make him burn off some anger, one of the house towards the edge of town needed new windows now but it had calmed him a little. He didn’t want, couldn’t, act like he had on his birthday. He would kill himself before he did that again. He had to control himself.

Caroline changed into one of his shirts he had given her to use as pajamas. She was swimming in it but he knew she had a motive behind it. She didn’t wear anything under it, it was a welcome invitation for him to touch her. It was her way of initiating sex when she was still to shy to openly ask for it or to start the foreplay. His sweet little babygirl, who blushed when he held her hand sometimes, had blood on her hands now. They didn’t want the girls involved, sure they would have to tell them what was going on eventually. But they had hoped to keep this quiet a little longer.

He took his clothes off leaving him in his boxers and got in bed next to her. He put his hand over hers intertwining their fingers. She looked up to him and tried to smile but he could see the fear behind her eyes. He hated that look, that he had made her have that look. All her adrenaline had faded and she was coming to terms with what she did.

“Babygirl,” he released her hand and pulled her into his lap, “I’ll be honest with you I’m mad as hell right now. But I ain’t gonna hurt you like that again. I’ll promise again baby.” She put her head on his shoulder and he could feel her shaking a bit. “We were gonna tell ya what was happening. We had plans to but we didn’t wanna do it too soon. Didn’t wanna scare ya away.”

He heard her make a small noise and he pulled her away from his shoulder looking into her eyes, “What ya say baby?”

“Why didn’t you kill me and Katie? Why, why are we alive?”

Bo smirked and kissed her forehead, “‘Cus babygirl you were meant to be my pretty little wife. As soon as I saw ya two walking into my shop I knew it. Two pretty little twins for me and Vinny. Once you left for the museum I went and got Vinny and told him all about ya. Will admit your sisters pretty but you had my eye always baby.”

Caroline’s giggle interrupted him, “We’re identical twins, silly, we look the same.”

Bo smiled hearing her sweet laugh, “Nah I can tell the difference. There’s something about you babygirl that spoke to my heart. I knew that you were meant to be a Sinclair. Be my wife and mama to my babies. Gonna be so pretty with my baby in your belly. Sweet little mama with my sweet little Chevy girl.”

“What if we have a boy first?” She asks tracing her fingers over his arm. “I always liked Matthew like from the Bible. My favorite Gospel. Call him Mattie.”

Bo nodded and smiled at her, “That sounds good baby. Chevy and Mattie.”

Talking about baby names had helped calm him down and he wrapped his arms around her holding her tight to him before laying her down. She waited him to lay back as well before resting her head on his chest where she continued to trace patterns with her fingers.

“I love you Beauregard Sinclair.”

“And I love you Caroline Sinclair.”

—

Vincent had learned quickly that his angel had a habit of crying when her emotions got too much, too happy, too sad, too angry, too anything. She held everything in for too long before finally breaking. He knew as soon as the door was closed tears would be flowing and he was right.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. It just, everything was happen so fast… and I’m sorry, Vincent. I’m sorry. I…” Her words faltered and sobs shook her body. He cupped her cheeks in his hands and put his forehead against hers. His thumbs brushed the tears from her and continued to rub soft circles over her face. After a few moments he let his hands fall and took a step back.

He started moving his hands and she realized he wanted to sign today instead of speak or write things down. They had been practicing for a few months and he had gotten quite good. He wasn’t fluent yet but Katie dared to say he was pretty close.

V- I’m not mad angel.

“What do you mean?” Katie both asked aloud and signed.

V- I’m not mad. Upset? Yes, you should have told me. So I could protect you.

“You could have been honest with me in the first place. There’s enough secrets here as there is.”

V- I am sorry angel. You’re right but I didn’t want to scare you off anymore than you already were.

Then she asked the same question her twin had asked of his, “Why didn’t you kill me and Caroline? Why, why are we alive?” The tears had returned, not quite as hard as before but tears nonetheless. Vincent didn’t respond. He pulled her into his arms held her as close to him as possible. His hands rubbed up and down her back letting her cry.

She felt one of his hands move from her back for a moment than came back.

“You have always been safe with me. Since I first saw you, I knew you were mine.” His voice was a soft whisper. “The most beautiful girl in the world.”

“We look a like we’re twins. Besides the hair but that’s not much.” Her laugh was muffled a bit but he heard it.

Vincent shook his head and kissed her cheek, “Your souls are different. But yours and mine are the missing piece to each other. I love you Catherine Sinclair. My sweet angel.”

She smiled at him her eyes shining with love, “And I love you Vincent Sinclair.”

[ofsappho]

Treehouse, I apologize for not posting until today. Your new chapter was FANTASTIC. One thing that stands out about Reader's/Basileia's relationship with Dream is she's the first person who expects him to talk to her. I feel like Morpheus pushed so many people away that they naturally rejected him back. He didn't fight for them and they didn't see the point of fighting for him. I also think Dream wanting epic and ordinary moments is a new kind of love for him.

Hi!!! Thank you for sending me this ask!

I was a fair bit worried throughout this chapter that I was making Dream OOC by being willing to just like. Talk? And be honest? But both @cuckoo-on-a-string and @manyimaginativemuses assured me Dream was not OOC. I know this chapter may have less bells and whistles on it compared to the ones prior but I’ve wanted to write this moment since like chapter 18 or 19? I’ve always been moving Morpheus and Reader to get to this point, where Reader shows him he can dream and grow and change for the better. He doesn’t have to stay frozen for eternity, unchanging, unaging.

I know that many people who experience trauma often feel like they’re frozen in the moment that resulted in that trauma. I feel like that’s how Morpheus felt in canon - frozen, as a god, to relive his traumas over and over again for the rest of his immortal life, never being able to grow and move past them as mortals can. And especially in this fic, stuck in bad ways he’s treated partners in the past, hating how he hurts them and himself but unable to change.

Or even how tethered he is to the Dreaming, both master and slave. Stuck in place.

Anyways I’m gonna repost this passage because personally I think I fucking COOKED with this one:

“After I was released from Roderick Burgess’s glass prison, the Dreaming, my own domain, a realm woven out of every piece of myself, seemed as alien and foreign to me as Ithaca was to Odysseus. I thought the evolution of my dreams and nightmare without my guidance symbolized my redundancy. A democracy of dreams. I was no longer needed, and I did not belong in the only home I’ve ever had.”

Even the living, breathing beauty of Fiddler’s Green can’t alleviate the heartbreak you feel when you see his spirit breaking from that loss, unable to move on or forward.

“Until you showed me that film you’re so fond of, I’d been disturbed, frankly, at the changes in my dreams and nightmares. Even a dream as loyal and dutiful as Fiddler���s Green had abandoned me, and returned to my realm feeling like a foreign limb stitched to my body.”

Morpheus pauses to take a deep breath.

“You and Fiddler’s Green reminded me that I can be a dreamer, too. I can feel wonder. I can walk through unknown meadows and see a blue sky I’ve never witnessed before, and let it thrill me. Inspire me.”

The warmth of the sunlight illuminates the contours of his chiseled face and turns his eyes from icy, unforgiving sapphire to gentle, open cerulean. “Your generation dreams in the daylight and the open air, not only at night, in the secret recesses of the mind.”

You want to reassure Dream that he suits the Waking world just as much as he does the Dreaming, but you sense he needs to keep going. Not just for you, but for him, like setting down at last the burden that’s been choking the life out of him.

“It is my hope one day that I can do that for you. Be with you in the open air, walk with you through my world and yours. I know you’ve dreamt of it. I’m not sure what exactly I feared. Maybe that your feelings would disappear once you saw me as I was, that I couldn’t be the dream you deserved. So I did what dreams do and I fled into the shadows.”

[ozimagines]

thanks for the account recs! god i fucking love oz... on that note, can i request a "dating chris keller would include..." imagine? he's such a fine ass motherfucker and a dangerous mix of toxic and sexy

Oh yessssssss, Chrissy boy is one toxic bitch when he wants to be, but when he loves he puts his whole pussy into that shit. Bonnie and Beecher and I think Sister Pete at some moments. And played to perfection by the always sexy and even more crazy Christoper Meloni. I give you… (drumroll pls)…

(Also, loves, trigger warnings are hard to add for this show because like… everything is triggering😅 especially for characters like Keller so read at your own risk, we all know this guy is a walking red flag)

Dating Chris Keller would include…

Ok so let’s not pretend this motherfucker even knows how he feels for you at first

Baby boy is just caught in the thrill of the chase

He just wants to know he can have you… or more realistically, if he can take you.

Hot and he knows it. Man’s has that non-gender specific rizz

Uses his size to make you blush, leaning over you and leering down

“See something you like, kid?”🥵🥵

Subtly is not in his vocabulary, when he flirts, he flirts hard

Takes his shirt off a lot around you, like even when the situation doesn’t warrant it

Out of the corner of your eye, you can see Minister Said judging you🥲

After you’re his, you’re HIS, baby

Arm always around you in public, hand in your back pocket, head on your shoulder/head (he’s so damn tall😤)

Possessive fuck

I’m talking full yandere mode at times

“Tryna make me jealous, is that it?” -he growls after seeing you smile and thank the barista☠️

Sulks for a whole day

Will go beast mode when you’re disrespected

Body positive… but like, not on purpose lol, he just loves sex and bodies

If you got a little weight on you, he’ll be squeezing you constantly (he loved his Bonnie-bear)

When you tell him you’re insecure (like he can’t already smell that shit out) he just smiles his dimply, impossibly white smile

“Why?” He husks, lips on your ear.

Presses your hand to his crotch

“See what you’re doin’ it me? Still don’t think you’re pretty?”🔥🔥🔥

Anyone else points out your “flaws”, they’re dead, no questions asked.

Like, even if you don’t ask or want it

Arguments with him last for fucking ever, over the smallest shit

Doesn’t apologize, just buys you your fave drink or rubs your leg or something

To him that is an apology 😂

His favorite sport is getting you hot and bothered in public and watching you squirm, teasing you about it in a borderline mean way

Rubbing your leg with his foot under the table or fully bending over to get something even vaguely low to the ground.

“Just can’t control yourself around me, huh?”😘

Hate to say it because he’s such a douche but the man is an absolute unit in bed

Scratching? Licking? Tickling? Slapping? D: All of the above!

Kinkyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

If you’re a virgin/inexperienced, he can be a bit much

“School’s in session, baby”🙃

To quote Stanzi Potenza, ouchie daddy that hurt my mind, body, and spirit

Teasing, teasing, teasing, TEASING

There isn’t a place or time in this world he wouldn’t drop everything to get freaky with you

Broom closet? Tree stump? Your parent’s bed?!

Shares very little with you at first, but asks a lot of questions about you

Remembers EVERYTHING but pretends he’s not interested, it’ll just come up in conversation something you said to him in passing

Says “I love you” easily before he means it… and then when he does he can’t say it😂

Says things like “he/she/they love me, alright.”

Trying to convince himself more than anything

Insecure boi, even if he doesn’t admit it

Has nightmares that he won’t talk about

Big spoon all the way, doesn’t matter with whom

Can’t see him having kids, but if you have one, I think he’d jump into the role of step-dad

Doesn’t know how to talk to kids

“So… you’re in fifth grade… cool?”

Like he said, he wants a life, and anyone that gives him that is everything in his eyes

“Hey… you know I love you, right?”🥰

Bonus round: I like to give very specific traits to guys in Oz that just fit. Chris Keller loves burgers! Like all of them. Loves to drown them in onions. I think if he had the chance to grill a burger, beer in hand and you on the other, he’d be in heaven.

[witchersmistress]

Battered and Broken

Hello my darlings, Happy Friday!!! Monster August and Walter are still in time out for being stubborn and no copperating.. bad bad boys

Trigger Warnings: the biggest one is going to be irritation with me, youll forgive me shorty i promise, blood, violence and masturbation

Word count: 7.6 K

its a long one so buckleup and hang on tight

August’s pov

The world comes back slow, like water gathering momentum. I hear voices and soft squeaks and a steady, monotonous beeping. It’s sickeningly familiar. It crashes in fast, like a wave that’s been building. I sit up, my heartbeat sending a machine into a frenzy. I start yanking at the tubes and wires in my face, my arm, my chest. So many fucking ties binding me to life. The squeaks come faster, and a hoard of nurses rushes in, shoving me back when I fight, pinning me to the bed, banging on the button to give me more meds, to sedate me. I don’t want to go under. There’s something important— And then it’s gone. When I wake again, I’m groggy, but I open my eyes this time. My brother is sitting beside me, scrolling on his phone, that damn sucker tucked into his cheek. “Where is she?” I ask. His head jerks up, his gaze flying to mine and then to the door, where our father is standing, his phone held to his ear. Baron takes his sucker out and puts a finger to his lips, turning his back to him so only I can see. “Who?” he asks aloud. Our father makes a ‘hold on’ gesture to us and then steps into the hall. “What the fuck am I doing here?” I demand. “You tell me,” Baron says. “We dropped you off at home and went out, and the next day when we woke up, we saw all these texts from Father saying you were in the ER with a concussion and a fractured skull. Again.” A little more comes back. Calling Dynamo. Meeting Colin alone at the Slaughter Pen. Throwing just enough punches to make him think I was trying. How right his fists felt connecting to my face, almost orgasmic. “When?” I ask, pushing up. I have to get her. The thought is quick and clear, a blow to the solar plexus. “A couple days ago,” Baron says, shoving the sucker back in his mouth. “Fuck,” I say, yanking the tape off my hand and jerking the IV free. Blood spurts from my vein, and my brain doubles back. Blood on Duke’s mouth. Blood on Baron’s dick. Blood on her thighs. “What are you doing?” Baron demands. “Chill the fuck out. You’re drugged out of your mind right now. Just go back to sleep.”

 “Where’s Harper?”

He glances at the door and lowers his voice. “Where we left her. She’s probably dead by now.” I shake my head. No. She can’t be dead. “I have to get her.” “You wanted her dead,” Baron reminds me. “You were going to kill her. I’m the one who told you not to. Remember?” I don’t want to remember that because then I have to remember what she did, the truth Baron showed me on her phone—hundreds of messages laid out over months, revealing the most personal, most shameful details of my life to a stranger on the internet. No, not a stranger. An enemy. She is an enemy. I don’t know why my body keeps fighting even when I remember that. But I have to get out, have to find her, have to know the truth, the reason. I yank the tube in my nose, but it hits the back of my sinuses and makes my head swim. Baron slams his chest down on mine, smacking a call button. “What the fuck,” he growls. “You’re intubated. You can’t pull that out. You’ll rupture your fucking esophagus or something.” I’m still fighting when the fucking army shows up, the nurses in pale blue scrubs that feature in too many of my nightmares already. I fucking hate hospitals. The drugs that cloud your mind, the helplessness, the way they keep you alive when you don’t want any fucking part of it. It’s all way too familiar by now. The way they think they’re saving you, but they’re destroying you. The way they keep you from saving her after you destroyed her.

Harper's POV

The first few days are hard. I don’t get out of bed except to use the bathroom, which is excruciating. There’s no point in objecting. What I want doesn’t matter. It never did. August kept telling me, but I didn’t understand. Now I do.. He never takes off the mask. He takes pictures of my face and body each day. I don’t protest. What’s the point? I sleep when he’s not asking anything of me. I appreciate, in some detached way, how little he wants, how little he bothers me, he asks for nothing, not even a response. I think if he demanded intimacy of any kind, I’d shatter completely. But he doesn’t. He barely touches me. He wakes me and dresses me and brings me to the table each day. He cooks fancy meals for me, but I don’t taste them. I eat, and when I’m done, he carries me to bed, where I curl up under the blankets. The lulling voices on Local News with Jackie fill my head as they drone on about the cost of gasoline and someone overdosing on a new street drug. I don’t hear anything about a missing girl. I fall asleep praying I won’t wake up this time. It’s around the seventh evening, as I’m slumped at the island eating some fancy herbed potatoes with glazed Brussel sprouts and salmon, when my savior and captor lays down his fork. “I have to go out for a while tomorrow,” he says. I don’t answer. I don’t care where he goes. I sleep most of the day. Sometimes the apartment is quiet, and sometimes I hear him exercising or clicking away at his keyboard in the big, open loft where he has a standing desk against one wall. I haven’t wondered where he goes or what he’s doing when he’s gone. It doesn’t matter. “Do you need to go home and get your clothes or anything?” he asks. I shrug. “I’ll buy you some clothes,” he says decisively. I don’t answer. 

“Where do you live, anyway?”

 “Mill Street.”

 My voice sounds creaky and unused. I clear my throat

 “Right.” He sips his wine and watches me for a minute.

 “I’m glad I wore a condom.” 

I don’t say anything. What is there to say? 

“Do you live alone?”

 “Yes”

He leans his elbows on the island, closing his eyes. “Thank fuck.” He always sits me on his good side, but I know why he hides under the mask. He’s a monster under the mask, disfigured and ugly. I push a bite of salmon into my mouth. It’s flaky and salty, but I don’t taste anything. The corners of my mouth have healed, and the angry red tracks across my cheeks from the ropes are gone when I look in the mirror. My body takes in food and water and heals itself. But whatever’s broken beneath the surface doesn’t change. At least you can tell, looking at him, that he’s suffered. “So will, ” he says after chewing and swallowing slowly. “Will anyone be looking for you?” I shake my head no, the only man i cared about left me for dead “Have you talked to anyone?

 “With what?” “Fuck,” he says, raising his hand like he might run it over his face. When he touches the mask, he drops his hand to his lap. “I’ll get you a phone tomorrow.” I shrug. I decide I’ll call him the Phantom, like the masked man from the opera.

 “Why hasn’t anyone called the cops?” “probably because of my job, i'm always gone for weeks at a time” 

“Oh.” He sits back on the barstool, working his tongue around inside his mouth. “That's slightly terrifying” I don’t argue.

 “I’m going up to water my plants before it gets dark,” he says, rising from the island to take his plate to the sink. “Why don’t you come? Get some air. It’ll be good for you.” He takes my plate and wine glass without asking if I’m done. I sit at the island while he cleans up. Each morning, he dresses like he’s going to an office, but every time I wake, I can hear him moving around his apartment, living. His closet is full of different shades of grey slacks and pressed dress shirts in every color. He rolls his sleeves up tan forearms before rinsing the plates and setting them neatly in the stainless-steel dishwasher. Everything here is immaculately clean and organized. I can’t imagine him getting his hands dirty. He opens a door and pulls a small tool bag from a shelf, then gestures for me to follow. I think about staying, but there’s no reason to disobey. He pulls down a drop ladder, and we climb up into a tiny attic space with exposed insulation and a door.  Opening it, he steps through into the blue evening. The door opens onto a flat roof that’s full of potted plants in different sized containers. Leaving me in the doorway, the Phantom unwinds a hose from a spool, turns on a faucet knob against the wall near the door, and starts spraying water over a rectangular box filled with curly purple and pink flowers. Their perfume lures me out onto the roof. I haven’t breathed outdoor air in a week. It’s moist and heavy, clinging to my bare arms like algae. I can hear traffic in the distance, but from the roof, I see only the same field that I can see from the huge windows in the loft below. The grass is tall and brown from winter, but green pokes up in small patches on the ground. I walk to the edge of the roof. I wonder if he’d stop me if I stepped over. There isn’t even a railing. It would be so easy. It would all be over.

I look back at the man who pulled me from the swamp, who went to such lengths to find me and bring me back. He crouches to poke in a big, round pot. His back is to me as he pulls on a pair of gloves from his bag. I could do it. It would be quick. “I got you an appointment at the women’s clinic on Wednesday,” he says. “To be tested for STDs. You can take my truck and bring it back when you’re done.” I step closer to the edge, until my toes are even with the end of the flat roof. I look down at the parking lot below. Try to remember why being up here is better than down there. I lift one foot, watching it hang suspended in the air, like a diver. He looks up when I don’t answer. His gaze moves to the edge of the roof and back to my face. Our eyes meet, and I know he can tell what I’m about to do. I wait for him to say something, to be angry or afraid. To demand to know what I’m doing, if I want to die. “I’ll bring a chair for you next time,” he says, unfolding slowly, cautiously, from his crouched position next to some sprouting plants. I watch him move, how comfortable he is in his body, how confident. He’s quick but unhurried; tall and slender, painfully elegant. He’s built like a dancer, all slim lines and measured grace. He’s at my side before I know what’s happening. His strong hands are gentle on my upper arms as they pull me back. “Good girl,” he says softly, drawing my shoulder blades flush with his chest. I know he’s thanking me for not jumping, for letting him pull me away, but in truth, I don’t have any more desire to die than I have to live. It’s not worth the effort. “You can come up here with me every day,” he says when I don’t answer. “You could use some sun.” We stare out at the overgrown lot next to his building without speaking. His breath is even, his hands barely holding on. But I can feel his heart thudding rapidly against my back with each heavy beat. I scared him. The thought registers in some distant way. He wants me to live. What I want seems equally irrelevant to both of us. There’s no point in telling him, so I don’t, and he doesn’t ask

August pov

“Where have you been?” I spin toward the voice, my hands fisting, adrenaline pumping. I don’t like being taken by surprise. “Out,” I growl. “What the fuck are you doing sitting in the dark?” Baron switches on the lamp beside the couch. Duke is sprawled across the loveseat, his eyes glassy, a tumbler of whiskey in one hand. “You’re going to get us caught,” Baron says. He picks up a sucker and begins to unwrap it slowly, his elbows resting on his knees and his eyes fixed on me. “This is a small town. It’s not New York. It’s harder to hide a murder when there are only a couple a year.” “We didn’t murder anyone,” I snap, hating that he’s the reason for that. He reminded me that death is too kind. That we don’t kill Darlings. “That’s right,” Duke says. “And I’m not afraid of the cops. They’re not NYPD. They’re hicks. What can they do to us?” “If we don’t get sloppy, nothing,” I say. “No one but the three of us know what happened.” The twins glance at each other, that fucking twin telepathy thing that pisses me the fuck off. “Right?” I grind out. “Right,” Duke says. “We didn’t say anything to anyone at work. We’re not stupid.” No, not stupid. They’ve just never done this shit before. Sometimes I forget how little blood is on their hands. And that’s by design. 

Protect our brothers. King would despise me if he knew what we’d done, what I’d let them become. I should have killed her like I wanted, kept them from her, kept myself from having to admit this truth about them—that I knew what they’d do to Harper when I finally let them have her after six months of denying them. It was both their reward for respecting my previous claim and her punishment for betrayal. But I can’t remember when they became the kind of people whose attention is a punishment. The twins look up to King, though, and I’m supposed to fill his shoes. I think of what he’d say, not because I want to be like him, but because it will comfort them. Duke needs that, at least. I’m not sure Baron has whatever it is that makes a person seek comfort. “We didn’t do anything the Darlings wouldn’t have done to us,” I point out. “We eliminated a threat to the family. That’s all. A man has a right to protect his family.” That’s not what she was, and we all know it, just like we all know Crystal’s blood is on my hands. Harper was no threat to my family. She was a threat to me. I finally, truly understand what they went through with Mabel. When it happened, I saw it from the outside, and I felt for my brothers, but I didn’t get it. I thought they were fuckwits for thinking of her as human at all. I didn’t think I was capable of caring about a Darling. But now I know what the Darling girls do to a person when they set their sights on you, when they decide to play. I know how they lie and twist everything until you start to believe that against every odd, even though you know it’s impossible, someone could give a fuck.

“Who was she talking to, though?” Duke asks. “Because he might figure it out.” “I don’t think we need to worry about him,” Baron says, sliding the sucker into his mouth. “She hadn’t talked to him in weeks. She cut him off. He won’t think anything unless it makes the news.” “So, it’s our job to make sure it doesn’t,” I remind them. Our eyes meet. He gets it. He may not have blood on his hands, but he’s got the stomach for it. “Exactly,” he says. He picks up the bottle of whiskey and pours a finger into a glass, then looks me over, his gaze taking in my wet jeans and shoes. “So, again, where were you? Because we’re being careful. But parking beside the road and walking across a huge-ass rice field into the swamp is going to get us caught a hell of a lot faster than anything we might say in the locker room.” “I was looking for her phone.” “Fuck,” Baron says, leaning back and closing his eyes. “She dropped it when she was fighting us.” I nod. Even a dead phone is easily traceable. It doesn’t matter if it is at the bottom of the swamp and will never work again. They can still track it. If the Darlings go looking for her, they’ll get the law involved. They don’t play by our rules, taking care of their own problems. They have no honor. Only a person without honor could do what she did, exploiting someone’s helplessness for their own gain. For a fucking scholarship of all things. Such a pathetic, pedestrian thing. All along, she was nothing but a gold digger. We thought she didn’t know she was Darling, but she must have known. Even if she didn’t, and she really didn’t know who she was talking to, he must have known. And if he gets the cops involved, and they suspect murder, they’ll get the FBI involved. And the FBI will find her phone.

 So we have to make sure no one else looks for her. “You didn’t find her phone?” Duke asks. “No,” I say, scowling at his drunk ass. “I didn’t find it.” “We should tell Father,” Baron says. “He’ll know what to do.” “No,” I say, holding up a hand. “If we need his help, we’ll tell him then.” “Okay,” Baron says, looking skeptical. “So, what now?” “Where’d you put her clothes?” “Shit,” Duke says. “They’re in my bag.” “That’s the kind of sloppy shit we can’t do,” I say. That, and letting her drop her phone in the swamp. If they find that, they’ll search the swamp, and they’ll find her. At least… I think they will. They’ll have a whole team, dogs and infrared gear and shit that I don’t have. I’ve been in that swamp exactly once before today, and it was night by the time we left, and I was… Not entirely present. I barely remember walking into the swamp. I was in survival mode, like those months after Crystal died that I barely remember, and the ones before that I don’t remember at all. I let the monster take care of me, take care of what needed to be done, of what I couldn’t. I was weak, and he was strong. Maybe if I put him in control, he can find her. I’ll have to go back again. But I have a good reason. I looked today, my first day home from the hospital, searching until after dark, but with only my phone’s flashlight and a vague memory of being there before, I couldn’t find where we’d left her. I couldn’t find her.

“What are you thinking?” Baron asks, sitting up straight and setting his whiskey on the coffee table. “Burn her clothes?” “Yes,” I say, stepping into the living room. “She was a Darling. We need to act like it.” I’ll burn everything that ever reminded me of her, all the random shit she left at my house, my notebooks where I wrote poems about her like some pathetic lovesick dog chasing after a bitch in heat. We should burn the whole fucking town to the ground with all the Darlings in it. “She’s one of the disowned Darlings’ kids,” Duke says. “They don’t care about her.” Duke isn’t good with the aftermath, the cleanup, the details. He’s there for the fun and games, but he forgets that after the games, it’s real. “One of them cared enough to find her,” I say. “Even if the grandfather cut them off, one of them reached out to her.” “Or he did,” Duke says. “Well, she’s an adult.” Baron says, trading his sucker for the whiskey. “And her dad doesn't give a shit anyway. Right?” “We need to act like everything’s normal,” I say. For a minute, we’re frozen in confusion. None of us have the slightest idea how to be normal. “No skipping work, though. Now that August’s back, we have to act like it was just about him.” Irritation flares in me, but he’s right. I can’t be the one to go off the deep end over this. Not when it means the twins will go down with me. I should have fucking left them out of it. What was I thinking? I could have done it myself, slit her throat and dropped her in the river. But I didn’t want her in the same river where Crystal drowned. That water is sacred. She deserved swamp water. “I’ll talk to her dad.” “What?” Duke asks, sitting up straight. “Are you fucking crazy?” “No,” Baron says, holding up a hand, his eyes on me. “He’s right. That’s what a normal person would do if his ex disappeared from work. Bring back her shit, ask her dad if she’s okay. Act like you think she went back to Faulkner High.” “And in the process, see what he knows,” I say. And see if Harper’s there. I don’t add that part aloud. I don’t want my brothers to worry. We left her tied to a tree somewhere in that snake-infested swamp. I barely made it out without being bitten by one of the vipers. She couldn’t have gotten away from the ropes, let alone gotten past the snakes and hiked twenty miles back to town without shoes or clothes. Could she? If there’s one person on earth who’s tough and resourceful enough to do that after what we did to her, it’s Harper. And she’ll be out for revenge. So, if she’s alive, why hasn’t she called the cops? And if she’s dead, why can’t I find her body?