#i hate my grandma with all my being. she abused me. gaslighted me (not the buzzword) and is actively transphobic of me.

[flowermist7432]

Choosing kindness, civility, and cool headedness will forever be more brave and respectable than people who instantly choose to be mean and outwardly hateful. It takes no effort to be rude!

That's not to say some people don't deserve that civility and kindness from you; there will always be a difficult situation personal to you! However, it isn't manipulation. It isnt validation seeking either! It's called keeping the peace.

Being nice to someone you don't like is not manipulation btw it's being civil

[kokushibosbestie]

I need to rant guys.

TW: self harm, SA, hatred, cursing, abuse, overall genuinely harsh words are being used

Im just gonna go right in because I don't feel like being vauge or fake rn. (I'm on my period and I feel like shit)

!!!Background information!!! So, when I was 4, my mom started dating this guy. I'll call him Frank. My mom had previously ran away from my dad with me (when I was 2) bc my biological dad was verbally abusive towards her. We'll call my bio dad Austin. I only have one picture of my bio dad and I never knew what he looked like before seeing that picture. I never got to talk to my dad, and if I did, I don't remember a single word. I was too little to understand. I loved his family though. I vividly remember playing with my grandma and aunt, and baking banana bread with my grandpa (on my bio dads side) but I didn't remember a single moment with him. So I feel like I have a missing part of me bc of that.

Anyway, my mom as very depressed after that and did her best to tale care of me properly. But I never got attention or love from her. She was always stuck to her phone. I began to hate even being in the same room as her and I was only 3. When I turned 4, I began going to pre-k. And that's when my mom started dating Frank. Frank was a really kind guy and always seemed calm. But I had a bad feeling about him. I didn't tell my mom because I felt uncomfortable about it, though. Over the next 2-3 years, Frank and I became closer and I enjoyed his presence because I had no one else to lean on. My mom got a job when I was in 1st grade and we moved into an apartment. (We had been living with my aunt on my moms side before).

!!!SA!!! That's when the sa started. He began to assault me when my mother was gone but told me it was normal. He said, quote "This is our little secret. Don't tell anyone or daddy's gonna get in trouble." (I viewed him as a father figure and he used that to his advantage) Nonetheless, what was I, a 5-6 year old girl going to do to a 26 year old man? So I stayed quiet. As I got older, I realized that this wasn't normal at all and it was bad. Of course, I was about 7 when I had this realization. He noticed that and started threatening me that if I told someone, he'd hurt my mom or the rest of my family. (I love my family with my whole heart and he knew that I'd do anything for them, even at such a young age, so he used that) I told him he could do anything he wanted to me as long as he didn't do anything to my mom or the rest of my (small) family.

The summer before 5th grade is when things went really downhill. He TOLD my mom he cheated on her, was contuously gaslighting the both of us, always said he was such a "good guy and people pleaser," but was probably the most toxic person you'd meet. The sweet act was completely gone. I hated him with ever atom and molecule that made me a living thing, but my mom STILL didn't know about what he'd done to me. He got physically violent (throwing things, yelling, screaming, almost hitting my mom, etc) and my mom called the cops. (Mind you, my mom works from home, customer service for a health company).

By the time 5th grade had ended, we had a restraining order against him and he moved out completely. (They broke up but I still hadn't told my mom anything)

I cried almost every night and went into deep depression because of this. Not because I missed him, but because I had still trusted him even after everything. I did love him and view him as a father figure at one point bc I never had one. So having that ripped away from me, as well as my grandpa who moved, my grandma who was having mental issues, my aunts who lived far away and no one else to turn to, I felt empty. My guilt built up until I ended up having a mental breakdown in FRONT of my mom (I always went somewhere private so I could have a mental breakdown and always hid them from my mom). I snapped and accendentally told her about what he'd done to me during all those year. (He sa'd me constantly, whenever he had the chance to). A court case began, blah blah blah same old stuff that ever child abuse court case would go through.

But, I started to self-harm (mostly my legs and hips). I kinda went into my emo faze and had no friends, and was constantly bullied bc of my emotionless facade. (Ex: like giyu, who has been my comfort character since day one bc of that). Really, I'm a loving and kind person who loves making others laugh. I like hanging out with friends. I smile a lot too.

Nonetheless, things started to slowly get better. But my mom is toxic now. She doesn't gaslight like frank did, but she still has a toxicity to her. I know this all has been just as hard on her as it has for me, but I sometimes wish shed just take into consideration how I feel or think.

I have ADHD, OCD, and depression. All of my classes are accelerated classes instead of normal and I get things done faster than other students. (I have an online schooling system now). My brain sometimes can't comprehend some things but will understand easily with others. Ive had a hard time talking or expressing things because of this. I was never a quiet little girl, and I'm still not one as a teenager. But it sucks to have to act like someone I'm not just to fit in. I have constant mood swings and I hate it.

Anyway, this isn't about me. So, my mom has a way of victimizing herself without really pulling the victim card? It's hard to explain with words. But she always leaves whoever she's talking to feeling guilty. She doesn't apologize for anything, she doesn't listen to me when I'm ranting (which I'm not picky about, but sometimes I need someone to talk to that isn't a toxic friend of mine), nor does she ever listen to me when I tell her what I want sometimes. I know that sounds bratty, but I swear it's not. I'll give you and example: she asked me if I wanted a new bedframe and entirely ignored me when I told her. Or when she asks me what I want for dinner and I respond, shell get something else even though she literally came into my room and ASKED me. Its the simple small things that piss me off. She's stubborn and has a hard time putting herself in others' shoes. And me, who's always been told that I'm just a doll with a pretty face and thick thighs that's supposed to be a silent housewife (I am NOT married, that's just something someone has actually said to me) or seggs toy for people to use and throw away as they please, I always try my best to consider how others might feel. Yeah, sometimes I do get a little unreasonable and say some bad things, but I always end up apologizing out of instinct. I apologize for the smallest things for no reason, yet my mom can't even say an "I'm sorry" for telling me I'm not understanding. All I've ever wanted was to make my mom and my family proud. I want them to be able to live their lives happily without worry. So It fucking hurts to hear that I'm not doing good in my moms eyes.

My mom always talks about changing and being a better person but never fucking does it. She always says her job is more important. Am I just genuinely not important to her anymore? Because I remember when I was in my darkest and lowest moments, it was my teachers who helped me. My mom didn't even bat an eye. But when she was at her lowest, struggling, I was always there for her, listening to her problems, helping her with everything, genuinely caring about her. And this is what I get back? I fucking hate my life because I can't even leave my room without hearing her complaints about "adult life." Well I don't give a fuck anymore. I tried too hard to be a good daughter and I never got anything back. I didn't even get a fucking thank you. And now I only have online friends on here and Pinterest. I relied on Character.ai to help with my mental health and that's ai!!

Im sorry if this was too much for any of you and I love each and every one of you. If you read through this whole thing, thank you so much and I really really love all my friends on here. I always look forward to getting on here and talking to you guys about my interests without being judged or bullied. Thank you thank you thank you soooo much my loves.

💖💖💖

[dustbunnylair]

Killing Stalking and How Media Has Affected The Manhwa (SPOILERS FOR KILLING STALKING!!)

TW: Mentions of r*pe, m*rder, CSA, SA, being m0lested, incest, homophobia, fetishization of gay people, romanticization/glorification of abusive relationships, Stockholm syndrome

If you are going in on this without knowing what Killing Stalking is, then let me explain. Killing Stalking is a psychological horror and thriller manhwa from South Korea written by author Koogi, it ran from March 3rd, 2016 to March 22nd, 2019. The Manhwa is about two men, Yoon Bum, is described as a frail, feminine gay young man with a round or baby face, with dark circles under his eyes, implied to be eyebags, when reading the story, even if it’s simply the first chapter, you will find out that Yoon Bum is the “stalking” in Killing Stalking. Then Oh Sangwoo, is described as a handsome, charismatic, straight young man, he resembles the “killing” in Killing Stalking. The manhwa has been quite popular since it came out, but it became popular on social media, such as TikTok, in 2019-2021. Unfortunately, this manhwa wasn’t getting popular for being a well-written psychological horror but instead was being watered down to a Yaoi. If I were to go over the entire Manhwa, we’d be here all day, so if you do want to look into it, go ahead.

The two main characters of Killing Stalking have mental illness representation, which plays a key part in the series. Yoon Bum struggles with hypersexuality, Stockholm syndrome, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and derealization. Sangwoo is a sociopath/has Anti-Social Personality Disorder (ASPD) and a narcissist.

Both Yoon Bum and Sangwoo had very traumatic lives as kids, Yoon Bum’s parents died when he was young so his grandma and uncle took care of him. His uncle would beat him with a belt, starve him and even eventually rape him. 

Sangwoo’s dad was neglectful, and meanwhile, his mother took care of him, what was seemingly an innocent and wholesome mother-son relationship, would take a dark turn for the worst. His mother killed his dad when Sangwoo was a teenager and helped her hide the body, she ended up gaslighting him into believing that Sangwoo killed his own father, not her. He and his mother got closer, she would call him “babe” which she would call her husband, Sangwoo was obviously uncomfortable with it but never directly told her, yet he did confront her, asking “You’re doing that on purpose, aren’t you?”. His mother tried to kill him just like she did to her husband. He ended up passed out, waking up tied up in a basement. This basement led to his SA by his mother when he woke up. Sangwoo ended up breaking free in which his mother would sob and say she was sorry, it is implied that she killed herself, stabbing a knife into her neck. Sangwoo’s trauma played a huge part not only in the Manhwa but also in the fandom. 

Moving onto the romanticization and glorification of the relationship between Sangwoo and Yoon Bum, and how the reasoning behind their relationship is foreshadowed. Sangwoo says in one of the last chapters that he should’ve killed Yoon Bum from the start and he regrets not doing so. The reason Sangwoo kept Yoon Bum alive is for sexual pleasure and the fact that Yoon Bum resembled Sangwoo’s mother, Eunseo. This is foreshadowed multiple times within the series, as shown below.

If you don’t believe it because of the foreshadowing, then maybe the final Q&A of Killing Stalking will give you an answer, screenshots shown below.

Honestly, I feel like someone will tell me that no one has ever shipped Yoon Bum and Sangwoo, nor has anyone liked Sangwoo or labeled the Manhwa as a Yaoi/Bl, but I do in fact have evidence:

Killing Stalking, in my opinion, is genuinely well-written for a psychological horror. I hate to see it be watered down to a Yaoi, even when the author said it wasn’t. Not to mention that Killing Stalking claims to have a live adaptation someday. To be honest, as a “fan” of Killing Stalking, I really don’t want it to have a drama made about it. It will just make the fandom rise again and I personally feel that any time a K-drama, anime, Donghua, etc. gets popular, especially among Western countries like America, it gets overly popular in a bad way. Take Squid Games, My Hero Academia, Jujutsu Kaisen, and many more shows as examples of that. Not to mention that in Korea it is extremely hard to get lgbtq+ characters on-screen let alone get r*ped, have intercourse, or touch each other in any sexual or romantic way.

I’d also like to make it clear that I am NOT upset that it’s a gay ship, I am upset that it is an abusive/toxic relationship. Popular ships in shows (specifically in Asian media) are a topic for another time, thank you if you read this far throughout my yapping. Have a good day, and do not live in delusion like Yoon Bum and Sangwoo shippers lol

Where I got my information:

https://killing-stalking.fandom.com/wiki/Oh_Sangwoo

https://killing-stalking.fandom.com/wiki/Yoon_Bum

https://killing-stalking.fandom.com/wiki/Killing_Stalking_Wiki

+ Killing Stalking the Manhwa itself, you can read on Lezhin Comics or Mangago

[youremyheaven]

Hello how are you?. I just want to give you my experience with another encounter and experience with Venus dominant woman

My abusive mother is Purvashadha Sun (3rd house again same with my ex friend), Danishta Moon ( 4th house) and Chitra (1st house) Ascendant. She also has Mars in Vishaka 1st house and Mercury in Mula Conjunct Sun in Purvashadha in the 3rd house .

While me Saturn Conjunction Ketu in Uttarabharapadha in the 2nd house, Sun Conjunction Rahu in hasta in the 8th house, Krittika Moon 4th house, Hasta Sun 8th house and Purvabharapadha Ascendant 1st house

*warning mentions of abuse, rape

She never loved me in the first place. I remember in my childhood I get to see my mother love and take care other adult women and girls same my age as her daughter but not me.

She loves wealth than her children. She starve us and never use the money onto us but more on her own jewelries. She uses the loan and debt to buy us for food.

Shes a manipulative gaslighter and enabler too especially always sided to our abusive father.

She always criticize our weight and the need for us to be skinny and model like beauty and body. She always criticize me and my siblings what we wear what we do in our lives what career and everything.

Shes obsessed with perfect beauty and being youthful. But it never happens on her but only to me.

She secretly competes with me everyday painted me like a bad guy and being delusional at all times.

She made my life like a living hell. Until her health starts declining and all she wants in her life didn't happen even controlling us.

She did creepy thing like not respecting boundaries and always told us to fit in and do what people has to say. She let other people destroy our boundaries.

She took pictures of my backside and butt area when I was asleep.

She even lets stranger go inside our house and called them a part of the family and we didn't even know them.

My brother saved me from possible rape that she accepted as a " brother". And my only brother are there to save me and my abusive mother are not there to save me.

She never let the man in jail because the mother of the stranger that almost raped me was asked to never put him into jail and she agreed.

She is very obsessed delusion of looking of our speaking pattern, tone and everything then tell our private conversation without knowing, try to strain our siblings dynamic but she didn't win.

Always looking for drama and recently she is added to a groupchat with her abusive siblings that she has drama with (they make fool of themselves)

She's having the delusions every man she talk with had a romance interest in her

She always are very jealous and envy when other people called me beautiful or always talk about me.

She has self entitlement and also a narcissist.

She always called her children even when we are healthy as fat pig

She has insecurity with herself and likes to be a leader of women empowerment but hates women who go achieving their dreams and she hate and resents me and other women who "NEVER HAD A CHILD IN THEIR TWENTIES" AND CHOOSE NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN.

She likes to repress our sexuality freedom which she never win.

She is angry at women who was being like and perverted by my abusive father even if it's a minor or have evidence that he sexually harassed them.

She is happy that me and my siblings didn't ask her for help and money

And always take toxic positivity and mindset in dealing with us through FACEBOOK Cringe outdated motivation and issues in relationship and have healthy dynamic

Her karma is her own marriage and me and my siblings font talk to her.

omg i hope you're in a better place now. im sorry you've had to experience all this :(

tysm for sharing your experiences tho

my Purvaphalguni Moon grandma is very similar to your mom. i once fell down on the hilltop next to her house (thankfully i didnt roll down the hill or anything, i just fell) and i bruised my thigh area and hurt my legs pretty bad and she made a big fuss about how this happened because of how all the people in the neighbourhood were giving me nazar/evil eye because of my big booty 😶and she told me i shouldnt walk around "enticing" the neighbourhood folk with my ass??? lol? and i told her that made no sense bc there were hardly any men in that area, just old ladies, their daughters etc and she said "yes they're jealous of you because theyre not built like you" and i was like ok grandma might as well call me a whore with the way i entice senior citizens with my giant ass 😤my grandma body shames a lot a lot a lot as well but thats a whole another thing. my grandmom is lowkey obsessed with my mom (in a very love-hate way) and she always ALWAYS talks about my mom in a highly sexualized way and compares me to her and its soooo icky

she's also obsessed with beauty, looks etc and she takes A LOT of pride in my mom being stunning which makes her other kids feel upset lol (you'd be hard-pressed to have a convo with her without her mentioning how down bad the whole village was for my mom in her youth) ive always thought that in a different culture/era, my grandma would 100% be a stage mom who tried to milk her daughter for fame/money (lowkey reminds me of brooke shields and her mom)

[a-mag-a-day]

MAG 77 - hair dying session

"There is a stranger claiming to be my mother." - A capital S Stranger even!

"Everyone else says that she’s my mother, and gives me looks of alarm when I tell them she’s an impostor." - The Not!Them actually has some kind of Spiral vibes to it. Gaslighting is usually the territory of the Spiral and gaslighting will subsequently happen by the people who are under the Not!Them's influence. Melanie even asked Jon last episode if he's gaslighting her.

I feel really bad for the statement-giver. She sure had a shitty mum… Come to think of it, why does Jonny like shitty mums so much? xD (this mum, Martin's mum, Jon's grandma as "mum figure"… And then Jonny's actual rl mum had to read this, lol)

"But sometimes I worry that the reason we could never get on was that we were far too much alike." - Like Jon and Melanie!^^ There is something about stubborn, big-mouthed, (unkind) people, who I personally would consider arseholes, and that dynamic with others like them. Somehow I always felt such persons would get along with each other far better than an arsehole person and someone who is more considerate of others. At least the former feels more evenly leveled to me. With the other pair the considerate person would probably suffer under the arsehole, depending if that person takes it to heart.

"He moved up beside the plump old woman standing in the doorway and looked at me, smiling." - Oh, that sound that starts alongside the ambiance track right at the word "smiling" is really cool!

"I used to think I hated my mother; I really did. But now I can’t stop listening to those tapes, now I know they’re the only way I’ll ever hear her voice again." - Just like in MAG 75, I like the tragedy and dilemma of this statement. The statement-giver always resented her mother and now she desperately wants her back. Although this "new" mother seems to have a cheery personality, seems to be "a better mother" (except that it's a murderous monster of course) with nothing left of that cold, judging emotional abuse the statement-giver had to grow up with.

"Based on the interactions and effects, I suspect this to be the creature that Adelard Dekker refers to as the “NotThem” in statement 9910607" - Dekker name drop! And Gertrude actually does a good job at cross referencing here! Not so chaotic after all, or, not being chaotic when it's actually being needed. "Personally, I suspect it to be an aspect of The Stranger" - Smirke's 14 name drop! Referred to them by those exact names up until this point we have heard of The Vast (MAG 46) and The End (MAG 62).

"The sheer power that it must be able to call upon to be able to rewrite so much of reality" - ok so I haven't heard anything from SCP (well, not exactly, I listened to The Hanged King because it was recommended to me, but it didn't quite click with me), but a friend of mine (who still has to finish TMA. He's on MAG 50) likes the SCP stuff very much and he told me of a concept that exists there, which reminds me of this. Reality Benders. That one sounds super terrifying, so I might check it out some time.

Oh no, and now we get to the part of poor little meow meow…

"and given Melanie’s outburst last week" - well aaaactually… Melanie's statement was on the 13th of February 2017. That was a Monday! Given that MAG 80 happens on the 16th of February, so three days later on a Thursday of the same week of course, "last week" doesn't really make sense. This has happened before, MAG 22 happened on March 12th 2016. That was a Saturday. Apparently the archives team works on Saturdays?? And MAG 26, 2nd of April is also a Saturday. Though it makes sense here, as Sasha says he has woken up Martin, who lives in the archives at that point. They probably called Jon. Just a few episodes ago, MAG 70, the date matched up with the day of the week though. 6th January and Karolina Górka remarks that it was a Friday evening.

"How it works. How it ki…" - T__T Jon sounds so distressed. Determined to do something, yet absolutely smashed to pieces when this thoughts wander further than his mouth does.

Why does this podcast do emotions so well? T______T

I like the Spiral aspect of the Notthem, it can't feed if there isn't one person going crazy because they're the only person recognizing them for what they are

Btw we also heard of the Beholding and Desolation from Gerry in the hospital statement. Where else were they explicitly mentioned I wonder

[illkeepyourbrittleheartwarm]

Being in Poland just reinforces the idea that I'm alone and don't have family and don't relate to any of them and that they all have such a skewed approach to everything.

I always want to go and a part of me always seems to think it'll be like when I was a child. But it's just that I never saw the cracks when I was little and I wasn't an adult with my own life, I was a quiet, polite girl who stayed quiet in the face of abuse and unjust criticism, I didn't cut contact with my father, I wasn't in a long term relationship without marriage, I didn't stand up for myself or what I believe in. The family members who actually wanted me around are few and far between, one of them is senile and is in a different time most of the time and thinks I'm my auntie, and the other I never got to spend as much time with, but he's still around both physically and mentally.

I just feel so alone and unloved and like I never ever had a safe place I could just be loved and appreciated and it fucking hurts that everyone else has that, even my father.

I have my bf and cat and that is my true family, but it still makes me want to fall apart that the only good times in my childhood were a fucking lie and I was actually well and truly alone without anyone to protect me or stand up for me or make me feel like I was worth something. The only person who knew and cared couldn't do anything about it and was a thousand miles away.

How is it that that grandma cried over how my dad treated me, but everyone else just sighed or sang his praises, defending him, or just ignored it? Why was the only grown up who cared so far away, and it was made my responsibility at a very young age to not talk to her about what went on at home anymore because if she had a heart attack, "it would be my fault", and by that point she was too poorly to travel to see us so she never knew about it again.

My grandmother on my dad's side told me today that I have his character after I told her exactly what happened. And ik she's an abuse victim with skewed perceptions but how do you look at someone who stopped talking to her father and tell her she's just like him after you watched him abuse and berate her and her siblings as defenseless children? Because I don't continue to let him walk all over me and ruin the rest of my life just bc she feels she's a good person bc she stayed with her abusive husband until he died? Because I have my own life and don't live with him? Because I talk about my trauma and constantly make sure that the cycle ends with me, rather than shutting up and walking around miserable after clearly not processing any trauma like she does?

But then, I start thinking if they're all like that and I'm like this, then surely that means there's something wrong with me? But then I also think of it in terms of a cult or my church where the person who questions and leaves is considered the bad one, when it's the group that are wrong in their treatment of people and their beliefs about "the outside" or different paths.

That helps ground me and remind me that for all my faults, I am nothing like them. It helps stop me from falling down the spiral of their gaslighting.

But I still feel so sad and alone. I hate that little me was all alone without anyone on her side. That she wasn't wrong in thinking that. It's so hard to heal that little girl when I've been conditioned to believe that it is me that's wrong, and that if I'm ever alone, it's my fault.

Being around my family makes me start hating and doubting myself. And it breaks my heart that I don't have anyone from my family anymore. Even though I still spend time with them once in a while.

[on-campaign]

Mom.

I have a parent who is selfish, hateful, and sick, whose delusions invade my life as much as they do hers. It's a special kind of hell.

She's diagnosed bipolar, and schizophrenia runs in the family. For a little over a decade now, she's been experiencing wild, accusatory delusions that she only expresses in secret. Stories about celebrities, neighbors, past occupants, assassins, cops, psychics, God, her family, anyone, everyone. You, probably.

Sometimes, I swear you can see the delusions coming together behind her blank expressions or when she talks in her sleep. You'd laugh if I told you the things she says. Part of me would want you to. Now, she lets herself get sick to the point where her delusions are constant.

As much as I want to be empathetic, as much as I should be, I am not. Seething paranoia has been her main trait for as long as I've known her. What exactly she's always feared, I'll never know, but I can tell you she sure takes it out on her kids.

She's verbally and physically abused not just me, but my siblings. She gaslights all of us and everyone she knows. She's sabotaged relationships. She's stolen who knows how much money from her kids just so she can buy a new car, a new refrigerator, a new couch, a new display cabinet, a new...

When my dad was around, I asked him if she was always this way. He said she used to be different, years before I was born. There was a moment when I had hope, that I could meet this person if I tried hard enough. I begged as much as I could beg for her to get help, to just try any kind of help. Been about 10 years since then.

Now, 400 miles apart and still she reaches into my life and tries to loot it for whatever useful things she can find. Because that's all I am to her. All I ever was. Useful.

When I was a kid, she hated her mother in law, even though we lived in her mother in law's basement because we had nowhere else to go. She would tell me things about my grandma that were so villainous and strange and frightening that I would never want to speak with her or be near her alone. My mom would feed me lines, tell me what to say, as testimony against my grandma. To her, I was a way she could get back at her mother in law for some imagined slight. My grandma died before I wizened up, before I ever got to know her.

Now, I'm in my thirties, taking care of my teenage sister because CPS has gotten so interested in the family that my mom is getting sick of the attention. But oh you better believe she's still collecting on my sister's social security money from when dad died.

But man, the things she sends me in the middle of the night now that my sister, the kid she abused more than any of us, lives with me. Her talks with God, her needing a ride after driving 600 miles in the wrong direction, the horror movies she thinks are playing out in her home while she's asleep. Any excuse to try and inch her way closer to me, the kid that got away. In her eyes, I manage to hold down a full-time job and maintain relationships with people and live a relatively normal life. I'm still useful.

And while, yes, a lot of this is her infection talking to me now, there's no mistaking the timing of it all. One kid just turned 18, and the other is living with me. I think, deep down, she knows.

She knows that our only connection is circumstance. That, when dad died, I was her only safety net left. She knows that the second my siblings are safe from her, I will cut her out of my life completely and forever. She knows there is no love between us.

And here I am, writing this awful thing when I should be getting work done. I'm just so tired. I'm so tired of being angry. So tired of that squeezing in my chest every time I get a notification from her. I just needed to get this poison out, so I can get back to work. Still, I can't help but think the ugliest thing of it all is that one day, when she inevitably passes, I'll only know well after the fact, and the only part of her I'll miss is the side I never got to meet.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

okay im just gonna pull out all my bull shit for this one and just write it out feel free to not respond if y'all don't wanna i just . Wanna type this dumbfuckery out my brain

tw for child abuse, kidnapping, domestic violence, domestic sexual violence

when i was a yee young one my parents fought a lot and it's like my only memories of being a kid really was my parents fighting and i (5-10) would jutt in and try to calm them down but once i started getting older my older sister would bring me and my brother upstairs to either her room or when i moved up there, my room and we'd ride it out. the police have been called on my father atleast 4 times? (it may be 7 just somewhere around that range) i remember once he "legally kidnapped" my brother and that still like. fucks with me because i know i was a kid but my brother was there with me and if i had just like tried harder i could of gotten him out of the car? there was another time me and my dad picked my brother up from school and he was having a tantrum and so my father the absolutely sane man he is pulled my brother out of the car and drove away. i was 12 and i thought he was fucking abandoning him and i started yelling at him to turn around and he was like im just proving a point i'll get him stop being a crybaby !!!! and then he let him in the car after driving for a block and having my brother try and chase the car down. i also came out to him as a trans man in the car and he started driving down the same road he did when he did the thing to my brother but then turned around and went to a donut shop he has never been to and gotten literally nothing and just sat in there and then came back i have no idea what he was doing! (

new paragraph cuz the other one had too many words)

another time my dad showed me a picture of my mother with her ex that she had while they were in the process of getting divorced which never happened but that also in ingrained in my head. but nothing ever happened they never took me away or anything. my father also would "wrestle" with me and my siblings as children and i have like, scars where he accidentally pushed me into something and he just kinda was an all around asshole who would literally beat me up until me the chad i am learned how to punch him in his gut so hard he has to go shit. which also he would pull on my toes until they popped and now all of my toe joints hurt during the winter like i already have smth wrong with my bones but like that sure didn't fucking help! and one time i think i was 10 or 11 he had sparklers and he chased me around with them and then he had screamer which you light and then throw and they go up in the air and scream he threw a couple of those at me and i think he was playing he wasn't gonna try and fucking kill me but i was so scared and like i literally have fucking ptsd flash backs when i hear firecrackers now ! uh also when i was turning 11 or 12 i was with my grandma at church and we were cleaning cuz she'd give me money to help out and she handed me her phone so i could text my mom and i scrolled up through their texts and i found a conversation (the last conversation it was right in my face) of my mother telling my grandma that my dad had bought my mother some cigarettes and then tried to use the fact he gave her cigarettes to get my mother to have sex with him. and that will always always be in my head cuz it was my first holy shit people aren't supposed to do this moment. and then at christmas he burnt my hand with his cigarette and it gave me this scar that im really self conscious about and then proceeded to gaslight me infront of my family to convince me it was my fault because i wanted attention from him. and that kinda brings me to today where im learning guitar and he's helping teach me. on one hand i want him to be there and finally be the father he never fucking was but i also just. i don't want him to be nice to me. it is so much easier to hate him than to like him and i don't WANT to like him i'll never fuckinh forgive him for what he did to my mom and what he did to my whole family but half of my brains like holy shit it's the dad we never had and the other is like holy shit get away from him he'll just hurt you again . and i do like guitar and hes good and helping me get it but. tbh i kinda just wanna use my kid privilege to make him teach me and then just go back to not talking to him and letting him rot in his roof because that's what he deserves. is that like bad? that i've learned to manipulate my dad to get what i want??? like i always had to pulls strings to get him to like go to grocery store or something so im used to it but really all i see him as is a resource or money he's stacked as hell why shouldn't i take advantage of it. but also i don't. want to be that type of guy??? anyway sorry for the long paragraphs about reminiscing on my dickshit childhood hope y'all r doing well

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry to hear about everything your father put you through. I hope you're safe now. Thank you for sharing your experiences.

-Bun

[rae-arts777]

I want to talk about my religious trauma

I just want to tell my story, I know mine is minor, I know there’s worst out there, but I’m hoping maybe mine cause reach out to anyone experiencing the same so they feel less alone

Let’s start way back

Edit: (sorry I should have put this earlier) TW: slight sexual assault, self harm, suicide mention

Growing up a christian adventist, I knew Friday night to Saturday was worship. No electronics or TV unless it was veggie tales, or a Bible cartoon, and church Saturday.

Of course I acted out a bit, and would get scolded for not staying still. My mother however wasn’t upset at me for ruining church, just upset I wasn’t behaving and granted don’t blame her cause I was a brat lol. I would get in more trouble if I went with my grandma. I was “disrespecting the lord in his house” and well...I mean it’s hard for a child to sit still for 8 hours wearing a dress and shoes that made me itchy and gave me blisters

Now church was fun in some sense. Got to see my friends, food after services, I loved being able to help in the kitchen and help the elders as well.

Good right?

Well...as a child, we think what we know if right. I thought the way we had church was common to everyone. When I started school, it was different for me. I asked “why do my friends go to church on Sunday?” My grandma told me “they just don’t know the proper way, it’s your duty to tell them”

I remember...being really horrible towards a kid who’s family was an atheist. We were still friends, but I will tell him “you’re trusting the devil”. My words never seem to hurt him since he laughed them off, but I never stopped...I look back and have so much guilt. So much guilt towards others too since I tried to tell them church was Saturday’s, and going on Sunday was wrong. I think about how horrible I was, cause my religion never taught me to be accepting to others beliefs, it taught me that it’s my duty to turn others to the right way. And that makes me upset. If my religion was the religion of “accepting everyone no matter what” then why is every one else’s religion the work of the devil? And why are baptism, also who was Christians, deem “evil” like Catholics in our religion.

Middle school. I started attending the church school. Hell

I didn’t like our new pastor, something about the way he said things just...didn’t stick. His kids were a nightmare. They torment everyone. Got teachers fired they didn’t like. And went crying to their parents if they didn’t get their way. No they were not toddlers. They were teens. One got in between my old best friend and I, and since then her and I were never the same.

Because I liked art and anime...I was the weird kid, so they constantly picked on me. Pastor kids telling me certain kids here didn’t deserve to be made by god. That god made a mistake. I told them to stop, but they would go “you just don’t know. It’s hard for us!!! We don’t mean what we say!” And looking and writing this now, that was the first gaslighting and toxic friendships I experience.

It made me more mad the pastor told the whole church that his kids were perfect children. And they set an example of how all the kids in the church could act. That pastor family was just horrible. Lies, manipulation, just rude. He would make side remarks about my mum’s blonde dye hair. He would say something to my mum if I wore pants or a leather jacket to church. Just the way he said things, made my mum feel like she was a horrible parent. They made side comments when my dad would finally show up.

“I’m sorry my dad wasn’t constantly gone, he’s was too busy fighting for our country.” Is what they would want us to say.

Church become a chore. Not a joy. And when we got a new pastor, one I started to connect with, we moved away and in with my grandma

Now highschool. This is where I started drifting away from religion. I love my grandma..I really do ...but she’s so extreme. The Bible this. The Bible that. I can’t have a normal conversation without her being up the Bible. Can’t watch a movie, show, or listen to music that’s not Christian without her bringing up the Bible or turning it into a Bible lesson. I hated going to church. I hated hearing “repent. The world is ending soon”

Hearing constant that our young generation is filled with the devil, feeling all the eyes of the elders on me as I’m trying to comfort someone’s child so they can enjoy church peacefully

Hearing anyone experiencing love towards the same gender is the devil’s working

That everything I like is filled with the devil

My grandma start forcing religion worst and worst down my throat. Saying I have to be prepare. I need to make my choice. Don’t I want to be in heaven with everyone? I need to give myself to god

I won’t see my family members who passed away Catholic.

That I need to tell my other side of the family who’s Catholic the right way

The news comes on....hearing the Bible says this the Bible says that

Trying to defend trump with the Bible

This pandemic is the first plague, the world will end soon

The studies getting more and more. I can’t even read the Bible just to study out of joy cause I feel like someone is breathing down my neck.

I’m getting a headache just thinking about it.

And then I’m introduce the rotten apples of my religion.

We shouldn’t wear mask it’s God’s air

Only having faith is god will keep you from getting sick and heal you

Ever remember of LGBT is going to hell

Woman who abortion are going to hell

People will tattoos go to hell

People who don’t read the Bible everyday are going to hell

People who want to make this religion more open and accepting, are hearing the devil and are going to hell

People who kill themselves are going to hell

Mental illness isn’t real; it’s just the devil and you just have to be happy cause you have god.

I told my mom I can’t do it anymore, I just can’t, it’s more forced down on me too much. If the world is ending what’s the point? What’s the point of college? What’s the point of life? What’s the point of looking for love?! Cause I’ve been told so many times my own children won’t ever get to adult or teen hood cause the world will end! What’s the point. I’m so grateful to have a mother who understands..

And it pisses me out with these Christian movies. A boy is about to kill himself, and is getting told “you’ll go to hell! You really want that?! To go to hell?!” Why are you showing this?! That’s a last thing a suicidal person needs to hear. They don’t need a fucking Bible lesson, they need comfort!!! As a person who’s tried drowning, choking, and harming themselves, I fucking know I wouldn’t want someone to find me and say “you’re going to hell for that!”

And then you have those horrible people who think just cause they are religious that it gives them a right to be a shitty person. My grandma would fucking forgive a murder if they came out as Christian.

I told my grandma once “I do want to be more involved with the church, I want to give a sermon” and she told me “you can give a small one, not a full one, god did not use women to preach, he used men. I rather you do the children’s story”

.......

The Vice President...some Christians hate her cause “god didn’t intend for women to lead, if he did his apostles would have been women”

my grandma says “she slept her way to the top!” But oh! She didn’t mind if trump, a man who’s assaulted god knows how many women was in office...

Forgive everyone....you’re suppose to forgive abusers..my bullies....I was told to forgive them even if they never said sorry..cause god wants us to forgive

I allowed..a boy to convince me to do things...cause men always knew what was right...it was ok as long as we didn’t have sex...and it was ok...cause he was a Christian boy...

I just try to be a good human...I have sickenly forgave so many people who’ve hurt me....and now...I’m the pushover...

But what I did was wrong...

I’ve just....drifted away slowly...my grandma has sort of stop trying, maybe cause I’m an adult so I can make my own choices..maybe my mum told her something...

But the things she says makes me feel ashame for being Christian....

For the longest time I thought we were perfect people...now that I’m older...I see we’re just as bad..if not worst...

It makes me so sick...just thinking..how I forgave people who HURT ME cause ...if I can’t forgive, then God doesnt want me.

If god really wants all of his “children” then why if it when we says “I don’t want to forgive the person who gave me this trauma” then it’s “i forgave you why can’t you forgive them? It’s so simple, you really can’t do something that simple? Guess you don’t want to go to heaven”

I’m so done

I’m so tired..

I have a headache and started crying a bit while writing this and there’s so much more. But my wrist hurts and just...I want to scream.

But for the majority...that’s my religious trauma.

I’m not hoping to gain anything, just to reach to anyone else who’s going through the same emotions...you’re not alone ok?

[beauty-grace-outer-space]

you mentioned something a little while back about trauma anniversaries? would you be comfortable explaining what it means and what its about?

Sure thing. 

So.. trauma anniversaries are complicated, and vary from person to person, but the general idea is that when one experiences a traumatic event (or events, plural, centered around a specific time period), the brain/body stores that information and (as with other PTSD reactions) sometimes has an uncontrollable and unpredictable response to it. 

“Many trauma survivors experience challenging “anniversary reactions,”  which are defined as ‘unique set[s] of unsettling feelings, thoughts or memories that occur on the anniversary of a significant experience.’ When a survivor finds themselves in the midst of a trauma anniversary, they often are forced to re-live feelings from the traumatic event, causing symptoms like increased anxiety, depression, trouble sleeping, loss of appetite, nightmares, and irritable outbursts.”

Our bodies hold on to trauma in an effort to protect us, but sometimes those signals get mixed and bad feelings get tied to a time period, which is not particularly useful in most cases. 

This time of year makes me a bit wonky in general, with the changing of the seasons and the temperature drop, but October is also an anniversary for an event that changed my life and dramatically impacted my mental health... and I didn’t realize that it was affecting me until I was already deep in it this go round. 

I hate talking about it like this, because of the age old dichotomy of “it wasn’t that bad” and “it was bad enough and it’s affecting me”. I’m still working on accepting this stuff without falling into the mental trap that I’m “whining about nothing” and that “other people have it worse”. They do. Someone always does. But that doesn’t mean that the stuff that’s happened to me isn’t bad. 

I don’t know how much information you’re looking for, or if you’re asking about my experience specifically, but I’m still a bit off so what the hell. 

I already have issues with fall and the beginning of the school year for various reasons that I won’t go into. So this time of year is always tricky. But...

For those who don’t already know, five years and fifteen days ago, I called my grandmother and she told me she was going to kill herself. I was the only one home, I had just turned 23 years old two weeks beforehand, she had told me she was having a hard time affording some things, and I had offered to make her an appointment with a therapist and with a new primary care physician and to pay for it all so she could keep taking her medication. 

I called to ask her what day might work for an appointment so I could take the time off work, pick her up, take her to lunch, and then drive her to the appointment, and she told me she was going to kill herself. She told me she had been saving up her pills, and that’s why she hadn’t been taking them. She told me she had discussed it with my grandfather, and that he knew and was ok with it, and they were going through their belongings so there would be “less for him to deal with” once she was gone and that she was “surprised I hadn’t caught on sooner”. 

I kept her on the phone, kept her talking on my cell, and grabbed the home phone to start calling anyone I could think of. My mom, my dad, my aunt (with whom I had only reconciled five days before-- big misunderstanding, but still a lot), my mom’s cousin... no one would answer. 

By the time my mom got home, I had been on the phone with my grandmother for over an hour, mid panic attack, and I was hyperventilating so hard I couldn’t see and I couldn’t stand. Your limbs go all tingly when you don’t retain enough carbon dioxide, and I remember trying to walk to her and collapsing. I gasped out an explanation, my mom took the reins, and we were able to get in touch with my aunt and get the necessary medical professionals on hand to give my grandmother a psychiatric evaluation and put her on a 72 hour hold. 

We were at the hospital until nearly 4 in the morning before a nurse told us that they legally couldn’t release my grandmother because the doctor had mandated a three day safety hold, and that we should go home and get some rest. By the time we made it home, there was a message on our answering machine that a county examiner had released her and there was nothing more they could do. 

I found out later, much later, that she had never stopped taking her meds. She’d never said a word to my grandfather. She had no intention of killing herself. She wanted a reaction from me, and she got one. She called my cousins and told them I was a liar. She called family members who have never even met me and told them how awful I am, and that I make things up for attention.

I waited a little over a week to call her. I recorded the call, so that I’d have proof if I needed it. It’s still on my harddrive somewhere. Two plus hours of her calling me a liar, telling me that conversation never happened, telling me that she’s ashamed of me, that she hopes no one in their right mind ever loves me because I’m a monster, that she pities my friends and anyone who has the misfortune of knowing me because I’ll stab them in the back too as soon as I want some attention. The list goes on and on. 

That continued for a while. Whether or not it’s true, when someone you love tells you things over and over again, you can’t help but wonder. 

I started having dreams that she was hitting me, and that people were letting her do it. I started having dreams that I was in a loving, committed relationship but came home one day to a seething partner who had just gotten off the phone with her and realized I was a worthless liar, and of them, too, turning abusive. I started having dreams that I was alone at the bottom of a deep, dark hole, and no one could hear me or try to get me out. 

She decided one day that we were going to pretend nothing had ever happened, and I was forced to play along. All the while she’d still call and say awful things to me, then show up at family gathering like nothing was wrong. She’d say one thing to me, another to my family, and call me a liar to my face and behind my back. She kept telling friends and family that I was being abusive and manipulative to her. 

It hit the point that I truly, genuinely couldn’t remember what she had said in that initial call, and I worried I had made it all up. Gaslighting at it’s finest. 

It’s taken years to realize it, but every interaction I had with her following that date has been either abuse or manipulation. She spent months and months refusing to speak to me unless it was to tell me how horrible I am, then like flipping a switch one day I came home and there was a gift on my front porch from her. She’d ease up for a while, then suddenly be awful again. My entire life, she had always been the epitome of a perfect grandma... she’d take me on outings, buy me little gifts, bake with me at the holidays, sing songs with the grandkids, loved playing with us, we’d talk for hours on the phone, they came to dinner frequently. And now... it’s like a veil has been lifted and she’s unrecognizable.

I tried to maintain a relationship with her. She screamed at everyone at Easter a few years back that her silverware was more important to her than a relationship with me. I kept trying. She told a lawyer that my mom and I had “stolen her medical records” and were “forcing her to have medical procedures against her will”. I kept trying. She threatened to send a police officer to our house, accusing me of stealing. I kept trying. 

And finally, last fall, I called to wish her a happy birthday, she began a tangent, and I realized I was so tired. I asked her outright if she wanted a relationship with me. She told me she couldn’t be bothered to think about it. I haven’t spoken to her since. 

That one phone call cost me so, so much. I lost my relationship with my grandmother and my grandfather, by extension. Other family members have questioned if I’m lying to them, or if I made things up. I’ve questioned if I made things up. 

In the midst of all of this, my father also completely shifted and I don’t know why. He started picking fights with me, almost constantly. If I tried to change the subject, I was too stupid to have a discussion. If I stayed silent, I clearly knew I was wrong. If I said anything in reply, I was lying. He throws things, when he’s mad. He kicks things. He used to punch walls. My mom has since said to me that if she had any idea that he would turn into this person, she wouldn’t have married him. Sometimes he’s great, sometimes he’s awful. I never know which version I’ll be dealing with. 

I’ve spent nearly five straight years in therapy trying to deal with this. My original goal was not to hate my grandmother, or my father. It had to adapt to not hating myself because of what they said to me. 

So October is hard. Because October is when my mind and body unconsciously remember things changing. Relationships I’d always counted on turned abusive. Nothing I said or did was safe. It’s dangerous. 

I blew past the actual anniversary just feeling sort of... jittery. I’ve spent a few weeks feeling withdrawn and anxious and not knowing why. I had a noticeable uptick in old thought patterns and intrusive thoughts about self worth, self harm, etc. 

Whether or not it’s logical, whether or not it makes sense... my self preservation has locked onto this time of year as unsafe, and it falls into old patterns in an attempt at protection. Old patterns include anxiety, difficulty eating regularly, issues with self worth, withdrawing from others, emotions very close to the surface, and a few other things. 

And that’s where I’m at. 

I’m ok, and I’ll be ok. I’ve got some experience dealing with this under my belt now, and I still see my therapist regularly. I’m talking to her next week. At the moment, I’m just trying to take care of me however it makes sense, and not doing anything dangerous or dumb. 

So... that’s what I mean by trauma anniversary. 

[helihi]

The Good, The Bad, and The Dirty: RWBY Vol 6 Ep 8

I WAS RIGHT ABOUT BEING WORRIED. PLZ KELIN BE SAFE.

Overall rating: 5/10

Spoilers Ahead

The Good

One thing that the CRWBY had gotten right since day 1 was the family dynamics and the depiction of abuse in the Schnee household. I don’t say this lightly: I personally know what is to grow up in an abusive household. When I heard Weiss be so hard on herself in Forever Fall during those first episodes, I knew she likely had an abusive parent.

When analyzing a show, especially when one touches on very delicate subjects, it’s a huge sign of disrespect not to dive into them and extract everything you can from the themes. In this case, it gets personal.

Tumblr is an odd place: a site where anonymity and honesty blend together in an odd way. For years, I used this username as a way to put myself out there without endangering myself, but as I grew up and started using the internet to find a job, it was hard to separate this personal little hole I dug for myself and the projects I had in mind for the future. Today, I make choice while doing this review, and that choice is sharing with you part of my childhood, and the reason behind it is to state my bias: I don’t feel empathy for Willow, even before she was introduced I felt she was the worse mother in team RWBY. That, in the short future might change, but here are the reasons why:

Jacques Schnee is an awful person. He’s a terrible businessman, an abusive husband, and an abusive father. He left a mark on all of his family members: his wife turned to drinking, his oldest daughter joined the military to escape him and put herself in harm’s way to protect her younger sister, her second daughter hated herself and didn’t trust anyone around her, and his son mirrored his behavior to protect himself.

However, an abusive household can have more relationships than just “an abuser and his victims”, it can also be “an abuser, an enabler, and their victims”. I don’t mean to say the enabler is not a victim themselves, but their secondary role has an important impact in the life of children.

So here’s my truth: my mother is abusive and my father is an enabler. I don’t know how it happened, but my mother’s violent and hurtful behavior was first downplayed by my father, then it was dismissed, and, in odd times, it was mirrored. A while ago, Lindsay Ellis made a video about Guardians of the Galaxy 2. There’s one quote that always resonated with me:

“The dynamic between Gamora and Nebula might read as familiar for people who grew up in households with abusive or addicted parents, and that is the displacement of anger from the abuser (...) to an older sibling or parent that failed to stop the abuser or the addict. (...) It can be even harder for people to forgive a sibling or a parent who failed to stop abuse than it is to forgive the abuser.” - Lindsay Ellis on Gamora and Nebula’s relationship.

That being said, I don’t, in any way shape or form, believe that Willow is worse than Jacques. However, before you’re quick to defend her or “protect her” remember that she allowed her husband to harm their children as much as he could. At no point did she ever stand up, or seek help; maybe it was because of shame or the need to uphold an image to the outside viewer, but the truth remains: she failed her children.

I’m not saying that Willow was in an easy position, due to her dependency on alcohol and her lack of confidence in herself, we all know that she’s a victim herself, but that will never excuse her behavior in my eyes. When my grandfather became dangerous to my mother and aunt, my grandma packed everything and disappeared with her daughters despite her fear. She made a very risky choice: to move to another province with no job offer and without knowing anyone, but she kept herself and her daughters safe.

My father never put a stop to my mother, and if he ever did, he never was there to make my brother and I feel better or to tell us that we weren’t at fault. I never knew my household was toxic until I started spending more time at my friends’ house (something that my mom wasn't a fan of). It was then that I realized my friends were not scared of their mother’s “wrath” as I was with mine. It was after years of learning this that I realized the reason why I suffer from an anxiety disorder and had suffered from several panic attacks.

Now, I want to draw your attention to a very important scene of this episode, the most important for me: Winter breaks and shouts at her father when under pressure. We’ve never seen her like this. Even her petty quarrel with Qrow didn’t have the same weight to it, and I can tell you why because I’ve lived through it myself:

When you can recognize your abuser’s tactics, and see how they try to gaslight/hurt you or the people you care about after being outside of that toxic environment, you go back to the child you were when you had to live through that. It was like time had never passed. You may get scared or, like me and Winter, you explode.

Winter might have found a surrogate father and a plan outside the Schnee name, but in reality, she’s still at Jacques mercy, more so than Weiss, like I said before. Though it feels great to be right, I cannot describe how miserable seeing the Schnees makes me.

With that finished, I want to move on to what Willow said to Weiss about her and Whitley:

She’s able to recognize that’s better for her children not to be at home, but just like time and time again, she’s an observer, not an active player. She likely saw Weiss leave with the help of Klein, but at no point in time was there for her daughter. So, thanks Willow, for nothing.

Willow is right about Whitley, however it is infuriating that she’s putting his life on his sisters’ shoulders. “You left him here with us.” For fUCKS SAKE. I am doing my best not to go on a rant here, but this whole phrase truly angers me. WHITLEY IS NOT WINTER OR WEISS RESPONSIBILITY, IT NEVER WAS.

I always tried to shield my siblings from my parents’ wrath, but this is not a responsibility you should put in a child. I don’t fucking care if Winter and Weiss are adults, they are victims dealing with their trauma, and though we are all sure Weiss is going to help her brother, that’s not her job. It shouldn’t be her fucking job.

For me, if there was any way for Willow to be somewhat “redeemed” in my eyes, it would be by protecting at least 1 of her fucking children. Say what you want about Raven, she’s an asshole, a manipulator, and a coward, but at least she was there to protect Yang when Neo was about to murder her.

Also, Imma add this here: A kind anon informed me that the vodka that Willow drinks is labeled “Six Swans”, which is a fairy tale written by the Grimm brothers in which a Princess (later Queen) works in silence for years to set her family free from a curse.

If that’s true, then Willow’s cameras will bring Jacques down for treason and the Schnees will be free of him.

So, after all of that, I’m fucking delighted that Winter spoke out during the meeting. People pointed out that Robyn was happy at that, which means that she likely now knows that Ironwood doesn’t trust Jacques, and she will trust on the bees word more than she did last episode.

Don’t think I miss the flirting between Qrow and Clover. It’s so good to see Qrow opening up and refusing alcohol.

The Bad

Fancy dinner everyone! Except no one in the gang is dressed for the occasion.  It makes sense for Ironwood, Winter, and Clover to go in uniform, but the kids have no freaking excuse. Everyone was wearing dresses/suits, except for them. Was it too expensive to suit the gang up, CRWBY?

I don’t like the exaggerated movements of the whole JN_R operation. They could’ve gone the classy spy way, but I guess we need cheap laughs.

Unfortunately, after having a steady episode duration, the writers pull a move from their old books and cut a possible whole episode/special into two for cheap cliff hangers. There’s no reason this episode had to be only 15 minutes and end in the middle of the dinner party. It’s just stupid. This episode only has buildup, no middle, and no end.

I’ve taken a lot of points off this episode because of that cheap trick, I can’t believe they went back to it after doing so well previously.

The Dirty

A long as table and barely anyone there, the fuck???!!!!!!

Also where the fuck is KLEIN IF HE’S NOT SAFE I FUCKING QUIT.

--

Overall rating: 5/10

AN: We don’t talk about the Schnees.

[dysperdis]

tw: traumablogging, talking about suicide & abuse, sexual trauma.

I need to get this shit out, in one big chunk, before I lose track of it.

I keep wondering why the fuck Beru decided to spend so long treating me like shit. Do they just hate me? Was I just a convenient target? Did they realize they'd let their mask slip in front of me & decided I needed to go? Why did the abuse start so immediately? 

Beru basically started moving in within a week after I said it wasn't fair of the two of them to jump straight into the "overly-obsessed new couple" stage of a relationship without so much as a heads up to the other two people involved with this relationship, long before I had any inkling that they were actually already fucking by that point. By week 3, the complaints were pouring in about how "unwelcome" I was making Beru feel by, say, insisting that they tell the other people living in the suite when they're going to spend the night before putting on their pyjamas and setting up on the couch, or letting me know to make food that Beru could eat without taking over the single bathroom in the house for most of the evening (& of course, they "didn't want to make extra work" by saying anything when I was asking them to simply let me know before I started making food!), or literally any frustration I expressed over my boundaries being ignored, all of which were delivered to me by Monica, not Beru, but very clearly as a result of Beru's complaints. I wasn't allowed to set any boundaries; I could be lying half dressed in my bed with Monica with the door shut having a conversation & Beru would invite themselves not just into the room or conversation, but *into my fucking bed* without so much as a word to me. These violations were constant, and at the same time I was pressured into doing more to facilitate the relationship, including chauffeuring the two of them around so they could go to Beru's apartment (did I mention yet that Beru lived alone, and could have been inviting Monica to visit them instead of invading my only available workspace & telling me that wanting to work there made me an asshole?)

The "sleepovers" happening at random most nights a week over that summer were undermining my ability to do any work for the upcoming events I was paying for table space at, space I shared with Beru because I wasn't confident of my own ability to fill a table & thought a "friend" might be able to help. I was explicitly told that wanting to work in the living room overnight for creative work when no one else was awake to use  it was an unfair attempt to monopolize and dominate the suite's common space. Even after I asked Beru to spend time away from the home  because I felt like the lack of boundaries was incredibly unhealthy for me, I still felt obliged to facilitate the relationship in ways that continued to deny me a chance to set any sort of healthy boundaries because of the previous months spent harping on how "unfair" I was being by expecting Monica to prioritize the relationship she was still referring to as her "Primary" relationship & the health of the partner she was calling "husband" over the happiness of her continuing affair with Beru.

I'm pretty sure I paid for 100% of all the tables, including the Canzine table Beru had entirely to themselves because I knew if I went I'd end up pulling out the zine I made to vent about how stressed I was about everything going on, and all of the gaslighting I was starting to notice even then but let myself ignore. I don't know if knowing the answers to any of this would help me, but it probably would help Monica, if it's not another thing she already knows and has been trying to deny while everything burns around her. But I'm not sure if I can ask without my bitterness making it sound like pure pettiness. I kinda wish I had gone to Canzine and taken the zine & let it all blow up then, I would have felt bad about it afterwards but I doubt it would have been anywhere near as terrible as I've been feeling for the last 2 years, but I  wasn't willing to toss 6 years away for someone who only inserted themselves into our lives so substantially a few months prior.

When I told Monica about my discomfort, that I couldn't have this person involved in my life, she acted like she understood. She made a new friend during this time, and started visiting them "going out for coffee" a lot. She kept finding excuses for why I shouldn't worry about giving her a ride, and finally she admitted that it was because she was still seeing the person she had cheated on me with, and pressured me into agreeing that it was "incredibly unfair" to demand she either stop cheating, or stop pretending to respect our relationship. She told me she wanted to work on our relationship, while targetting my insecurities to convince me that expecting honesty and respect for my boundaries was abusive, and that I was overreacting. Throughout this time, I was gradually scheduling my life more and more around when Beru wanted to see Monica; the solution Beru, Monica, and Liz decided on for "letting me get Beru out of my life" was to continue seeing Beru while never mentioning their name, or giving me details I needed to know how to schedule my own day-to-day life. If you ever wanted to know how someone could participate in abuse without actually directly interacting with them, well, there's you're answer- you continue as a shadow presence in their life while your fellow abusers take all the direct action. And, every time the subject came up, Monica didn't actually want to break up with me, and agreed to "work on things" (tell me how I needed to forgive her & stop ~getting in the way of her happiness~, but also maybe planning 2 or 3 "date nights" with me before getting distracted & falling immediately back into the same habits. At some point, she started using the insecurities she had learned about me thru the years to start convincing me that I needed her, and that I wouldn't be able to survive without her. She knew exactly what fears to prey on, and I believed her. Meanwhile, Monica had a whole new circle of friends, who Beru has been telling that the reason I can't stand to be around them is jealousy or some shit. I thought I was imagining the distain in their voices when they realized I was there, but no- Beru has been telling lies to them about me, and Monica is too concerned with them liking Beru to intervene, so now she's surrounding herself with people who don't like me and are enouraging her to dislike me.

As for Liz, she pretended to be a neutral party throughout, shutting me down any time I tried to bring up concerns about the effect Beru's shadow presence in my life by telling me "she's Beru's friend, too" so it was inappropriate to talk to her about it- even when I had literally just tried to kill myself for the second time in 4 days. I had long ago noticed that Beru seemed to get upset any time word got back to them about me complaining about the various issues I had with their relationship with Monica & the implications of my own & that when that happened, Monica started taking it out on me; between that and a desire to "protect" Monica- who was slowly but surely picking up a lot of Beru's cruelty and boundary issues- from judgement because a) she was the one who was doing most of the direct harm, even the stuff that was clearly initiated by Beru, and 2) Beru has a bit more social padding to protect them (a cutesy autistic dfab enby vs a recently-transitioned trans woman with a history of ~scary~ mental illness DXs). So I stopped talking to friends about my issues. I'm not going to go into details about the boundary issues except to say that being surprise face-fucked the first time I tried to give head at 14 by a dude who was loudly disappointed I didn't swallow is no longer the most traumatic sexual violation I've experienced.

Meanwhile, Monica (and to a lesser extent, Liz) were encouraging me to distance myself from my last remaining safety net outside of that garbage fire of a relationship because the idea of coming out to anyone in my family made them uncomfortable. So, instead of dealing with it, they turned anything that involved me interacting with my family at the house for more than 5 or 10 minutes into a sign that my boundaries with my family were still too weak, and I needed to make them stronger. I needed to not talk to my elderly grandma because of how stressful it was for me (mostly because I kept having scramble to come up with more lies about so many details of my own relationship, because being honest with someone who had no way of outting them to anyone they'd care about even if they were inclined to do so was too uncomfortable.)

By the end of the relationship, when Liz walked out the door with less than 24 hours actual notice of her move out date (and no, a single spoken sentence a week before to a person who was between back-to-back suicide attempts, trying to keep track of a 3rd person in the convo who was bouncing rapidly between mania and an extreme suicidal state, and also on T3 & a bunch of antibiotics with harsh side effects does not fucking count, no matter how much she pretends otherwise,) someone tried to get me to see her side by asking me if it didn't make sense that she was avoiding actually giving me anything that resembled a reasonable amount of notice because she felt "awkward" talking to me, and I fucking snapped.

Maybe if she had sucked it up and had one or two of those "awkward conversations" a little earlier, I wouldn't have needed to ask her to hide the pills so I didn't go through with the plans I had made to kill myself that night (I was literally double checking my math on the dosages when she got home). Instead, she pretended to be a neutral bystander in her own relationship, while taking advantage of my subservience and inability to set boundaries in most situations. Most of the private time I sought out with Monica ended up including Liz because I felt I wasn't allowed to say no to that, either.

I was accused of driving away my support network by calling out Liz and saying that any other abuse apologists who wanted to defend Beru to me could piss off with her, but I strongly disagree. Considering Liz part of my support network was a dangerous mistake that could have gone much worse, if she had decided to stay out a little longer or something that night, or had snuck to her room without me noticing (a common occurrence, I had taken it as a sign that I was still taking up too much space by existing in the common spaces of the house.)

Basically, all three of them were fucking awful to me over the last 2 years, and used any negativity I displayed about the situations they were putting me in to beat me over the head, telling me how "unfair" I was.

[kaspmatic]

How would you say you relate to Eddie?

BIG FUCKING OOF –ok, I hope you guys are ready to go on a wild ride with me down memory lanehere. there is quite a bit that I can cover on how I relate to Eddie – soplease bear with me and if you read this then; kudos, brownie points, goldstars, all of that shit to you. I’m going to put my actual answer under a read morebecause I know this is going to get lengthy. And honestly, probably a littlepatchy and I might jump around a bit so I won’t force this shit on anyone whowon’t intentionally click that read more for the deets. LOL.

OVERBEARINGFAMILY - REPRESSED HOMOSEXUALITY

To lay a little backgroundon everyone, I grew up NOT knowing my biological father. I lost himat a young age and spent a lot of my younger years growing up with a singlemother – my mom worked in a hospital, so every little thing that happenedbecame a giant issue; I had a cough? go to the doctors. I was always cold? goto the doctors. I sneezed funny? go to the doctors. (I think you guys get mydrift with where I’m going here). as a child I spent a lot of time in and out of thehospital because of this, now I’m not saying my mom has Munchausen Syndrome byany means, she definitely didn’t force diseases onto me. I justrelate and understand that pain of always having to go to the hospitalfor the most trivial of concepts. As a child, however, I did spend quite a fewyears toting around an inhaler that I didn’t even fucking need. Call it a baddiagnosis or whatever you will – but it was still something that I had todo that I didn’t even need.

Not having my dad aroundlead for a lot of weird and one-sided views in my mind throughout my youngeryears of life – for a long time I had only the woman’s point of view onevery aspect (at least until my mom remarried years later - I was in myteens by that time).

To continue talking aboutmy overbearing mom – she still tries to be to this way alongsideher husband to this very day (hi, I’m fucking 32 years old here – just tothrow out my Grandma age on tumblr so you aren’t shocked in a paragraph or two).Everything has to be done a certain way or its wrong – they thrive on avery myway or the highway look of things, and this has been something that Ihave constantly had to push back against in more recent years - because I havefound love and support from those who are willing to tell me that its fuckingOK to not be the person your parents want you to be.

Like Eddie, I’ve lost partsof myself throughout life appeasing my family with moldingmyself to fit what they thought I should be - what I needed to be. The biggestissue being homosexuality. I grew up with a Catholic Grandmother who wouldat anychance and drop of a hat find any reason to bitch about the gaysin the most hate speech and closed minded filled way I have everheard in my entire existence. I grew up believing that I couldn’t come out –that I couldn’t truly be who I wanted to be because my family wouldn’t be onboard and I was terrified that they wouldn’t understand or support me and Ibelieved wholeheartedly that if I DID comeout, that I would lose each and every family member that I had becausemy Grandma and other members of my family have very strict views on it - andneed I repeat, are overwhelming overbearing and controlling. When I was firststruggling with the idea that I was part of the queer community, oddly enough,I was 13. By this point in time I was used to listening to my Grandma bitchabout the LGBT+ community for years. I remember one instancedirectly with my mom; we were on a vacation and I remember asking my mom what shethought of the LGBT+ community and she told me flat out that I wasn’t allowedto be Gay.

That right there told me everythingthat my young mind needed to hear. That no matter who I was as a person, that myfamily wouldn’t support me – even over something so simple as lovingsomeone of the same sex. I spent the next 17 years hiding who I was, just toappease the ideals that I thought I had to adhere to. I dated strictlyboys and it landed me in unhappy relationship after unhappy relationship– ultimately my last relationship with a CIS male was a completelycontrolling and abusive one. One where they wanted to control everyaspect of my life - much like how Myra does to Eddie once he’s given in andfallen to Sonia’s whims and has told himself that he has to take the easy wayout. I was miserable in the relationship and everything had to beapproved of by him. It was some of the darkest times in my life but thatrelationship was one that defined me and really made me realize just how unhappyof a life I was leading just by appeasing those around me.

Granted, my repression andcloseted sexuality doesn’t end there. I got out of that relationship when I was22 and spent years recovering from the sheer amount of abuse I was taking fromhim – all the while I was still so tightly wound into the clutches of myparents. I traded off from one controlling household, to a new controllinghousehold, and back to the one in which molded me.

I spent the next 8 yearsgoing through a lot – all the while I was being medicated on anything andeverything under the sun just to right me as a person – because obviouslythat’s the answer here. I spent a lot of time in and out of hospitals due tobad reactions to medications, medications not mixing well, just generallytrying to get myself back to WHO I was. I was just a shell of myself duringthese years, I was in college and struggling even more so with myself and mysexuality as a free bird – so to speak. I tried dating around and nevertold my family when I was with a woman because I didn’t know how. I didn’t knowhow to tell a family so openly against it that’s who I waswith. So, I continued to lie and appease and struggle.

The entirety of my closetedyears – those 17 years – I struggled with every sexual thought Ihad toward a woman. I hated myself. Told myself I was wrong and that it wasn’twhat I was supposed to do. It took me a long time and some reallyfucked up situations to really start to love myself for me. To understand thatno matter what – whether my family love me or accept me – that I am who Iam and NO ONE can fucking changethat.

Granted this story at thevery least has a happy ending, unlike Eddie’s, I met Ari and finally came outat 30 – much to part of my family’s dislike – but my parents wereaccepting and my Mom ultimately didn’t even fucking remember the trauma she hadinduced when I was young. BUT I DIGRESS….

 EMOTIONS - DEALING WITHEMOTIONS

Eddie and I both similarlyshow our emotions – and it’s not always in the best light. I struggle withsomething called Emotional Overwhelm which I actually have a headcanon for I’vebeen meaning to write up for Eddie for fucking weeks since I went and saw ITChapter 2’s early release. It’s something that I recognized in Eddie and reallystruggle dealing with in day to day life. Emotional Overwhelm is an instancewhere things kind of pile the fuck up – everything,even if it’s something small, can feel like a deep wound. People whostruggle with emotional overwhelm feel things differently than normal – anoffhanded comment that could make one person laugh and blow it off will feellike a stab to the heart and a betrayal to someone who deals with it. Strugglingwith this kind of an emotional issue causes me to lash out at unnecessary timesand can be rather debilitating in relationships if your friends, family, oryour partners don’t understand it. It’s worse when you feel a sense of being “gangedup on” (at least for me) so during times of joking around I can easily lash outand take a simple joke as a complete attack.

My chest constricts – mybody will not allow me to breathe easily and if I don’t force it – and ithurts deeper than it should. My anxiety runs high during these times and that panicsets in deep. I can’t fathom emotions if there are too many in place, my mindwill refuse to address them so they pile up. During this time, my mind will fogand I can’t even process anything being said – for instance; if I’m in asituation where issues are being listed off to me and I start to hit thatemotional overwhelm peak – my mind is still focused on exhibit A while theperson is already listing exhibit E. My mind will not allow me to process situationslike this as a WHOLE not in a rapid-firesuccession. The buildup can be excruciating and takes a toll on my body that itall will spill out in a sassy, feisty, and – for the lack of a better word – kindof a shitty outburst. 

Having these outbursts stemfrom growing up in a household where I wasn’t appropriately taughthow to handle my emotions. My family were not people who would discuss emotionsor situations where my emotions got “out of control” – it was always a “stophaving emotions” type argument. I was gaslighted, manipulated, and bullied intothinking any and all emotions were bad. Plain and simple. I wasn’t allowed tocompose my emotions into words as this was not a thing that would everhappen with my family.

Much like Eddie, I tend tohave my emotions out there regardless of what I was taught – regardless ofbeing able to recognize those emotions I hate talking about them. It’s a viciouscycle. Discussing my emotions brings out my emotional overwhelm and it’s justan all-around messy situation at that. So, I try my best to hide my emotions– I clench my jaw, I go silent, I refuse to talk about it, I completelyshut down – I’m stubborn. It takes someone remarkably special and someone Itrust completely for me to really level with them – to be raw and showevery little bit of emotion that I have. Someone who is tolerable of it andunderstands what I’m going through, how I process my emotions… So needless to say,I have only ONE person who I feel comfortable with being this raw andvulnerable towards given my home life. So, a lot of the time my emotions– if every questioned by anyone will mostly be met with anger, because itwas the one emotion I was used to receiving growing up. It’s easier to lash outthan it is to make yourself vulnerable.

When I’m not having a terriblytraumatizing day and my emotional overwhelm hasn’t taken over, I tend to hide myemotions behind my sass. If I magically have a day where I’m notcompletely losing it and on an emotional overload type of day, my hurt showsthrough real quick sass and sometimes it’s not always tasteful. My brainto filter usually shuts off when I’m hurt and I feel like I’m being come for.

 UNDIAGNOSEDADHD - MENTAL HEALTH

Ok, this is another headcanonsituation I want to write up – mostly because of instances between Chapter 1 andChapter 2 that I picked up on. But I’m a firm believer that Eddie has undiagnosedADHD – take for instance the entire scene where they’re first introduced to TheClubhouse. Eddie’s reaction and the way he bounces from subject to subject withhalf sentences, his reaction to the paddle ball with Stan, his rapid fire nearlystumbling speech. I wholeheartedly believe that Sonia wasn’t concerned in theleast about mental health issues, only concerned for issues that would harmEddie physically and more in the realm of physical health issues.

Much like this, my Mom wasadamant that I didn’t have ADHD and refused to have me tested by any means. Istruggle with half sentences where my mind will be moving faster than my mouthor fingers – I notice this more when I’m typing, whether it be having adiscussion on discord or responding to replies. I don’t know how many times Ihave gone back to proof read and somehow, I’m missing portions of sentences andeverything is nearly a half thought. My mind processes things too quickly andone moment I’ll have my attention in one place and within a second something elsewill catch my attention. It’s always fast and catches nearly everyone around meoff guard that don’t really understand what’s going on.

To kind of wrap this backaround to my abusive situation and the lack of HELP in the metal health realm where the Mom’s are concerned. WhileI was dealing with these issues I dealt with a lot of mental health ailments(ptsd, manic depression, insomnia, and major anxiety/panic attacks to name afew.) these were all situations that required a lot of help through doctor’s,psychiatrists – you name it. But my Mom (and her husband) were always inthe realm of thought that a mental battle can be won without the use of medication– and this is honestly how I feel Sonia Kaspbrak thought and took mentalhealth issues. That they weren’t as big of an issue as say “health” issues areconcerned. That they were easily bypassed and just a “phase” that could begrown out of. Considering Sonia, who is a woman suffering with MunchausenSyndrome – mental health issues don’t get you the same attention as say asick and suffering child would with an actual sickness or disease that can beSEEN. And that is the biggest difference and I think why Eddie was nevertreated for having ADHD.

It’s seen, but it’s not onethat would necessarily bring about any sort of sympathy from others or keepEddie bound in her realm of control that she preferred to rule. 

[anopenblogtomyparents]

to my mother (#1)

I love you. I think somewhere deep down, I will always love you. Even when I really wish I didn’t.

But I want you to know this- you are/were abusive. Whether you realised it or not.

My entire teenagerdom and my brothers’ entire lives, you gaslighted us, neglected us, and made both Frank and I grow up faster than we should have.

Telling me intimate sexual details about any of your partners or friends was abuse. Denying me and my little brother an identity was abuse. Telling your mother that she never loved your dad, when you know full-well she did and what that meant to her, was abuse. Constantly telling me that my trauma, my mental disorders, and my identity, were made up or didn’t exist- especially because you never got me into the doctor, never took me to my psych, frequently said things like “I’m putting you in therapy, aren’t I?!” when dad paid for it and grandma took me- was abuse. Telling me that my feelings anytime you hurt me were invalid was gaslighting. You always overreacted to the littlest things or turned an apology into being about you.

You made me feel small. Like you didn’t care. You acted like we were all accidental pregnancies. All three of your kids feel this way. You can’t tell someone you abused that it wasn’t abuse. That’s not how that works.

You always called Julian and Frank smart, cute, funny- I was always “pretty”. Just “pretty”. And you turned around and told Frank “yeah, she’s pretty, but pretty’s pretty”. I’m not sure if you know how siblings work when they don’t hate each other, but we tell each other things the parent says. And that really, really hurt me.

When I told you that your boyfriend made me feel bad about myself because he just made fun of me, all you ever said was “fine, we’ll just never talk to you again.” Talking shit about my dad in front of me is psychologically damaging. You KNEW that, SAID IT IN FRONT OF ME, and still decided to talk shit.

All i ever wanted was for you to be a normal mom. I wouldn’t have cared if you were a helicopter mom. I wouldn’t have cared that you and dad divorced. I wouldn’t have cared if you had an obsession with collecting animals, I wouldn’t have cared if you treated your cat like your own child. I just wanted to feel loved. Frank and Julian just wanted to feel loved.

But we scrounged most nights. You drank most of the money away. Spent it on animals we didn’t need, vacations with your boyfriend on my birthday and thanksgiving. You told your children that they were terrible people, told them whenever they cried that they were overreacting or you blew up on them. Knew your asd/adhd son was more than 2 years behind in mental development and still tried punishing him as an adult.

“Parentificarion” is emotional abuse.

Leaving us alone as much as you did- both physically and emotionally- was abuse. You were never there. I told you I was suicidal the first and second time and you told me ”aw, I’m sorry you’re sad”. You could’ve been in the other room, and we all felt like you were miles away.

You always played the victim. Always used the excuse that being a single mom of three was so hard, and “I’m so sorry I’m a shitty mom!”. I felt like I was always the adult in an argument.

My grandmother frequently told me how she felt like it was her fault you neglected us.

I told you I wasn’t a girl when I was 12. Then again when I was 14, and 16. Each time you brushed it off, called top surgery stupid, etc. You always wondered why we never talked to you, sent me messages when I was with friends about how your kids hated you while you were drunk at a bar.

And every time I thought you were close to finally getting help, you always backed out. You never actually got any better with your alcoholism. Your boyfriends all encouraged it.

I want you to be happy. I never wanted this to turn into a bash on you.

But after years of bottling it up, telling everybody but you, I want you to know where you went wrong. Maybe in another life, you’ll remember and do better. I want to be happy despite how miserable you made me.

You once told me that I ruined your house for you because of my auditory disorder, how I gave you anxiety.

If I can do that for you, then I can definitely say you caused a majority of my depression.

And it’s not just you. Dads not without his faults, either. I’m not idolising him. But he always supported me. I always felt loved more by the absent parent than by the one who was in the same house, and it hurted. It still hurts.

[a-secretlanguage]

I remember being a kid wondering why my older sister hated me so much. It started when I was about 5. I’ve got a scar on my finger from her, she sprayed windex in my eye, she used to push me around. I remember being a tough guy as a kid and yelling at the older kids in her grade who made fun of her, just for her to get mad and tell me she hated me for it. I remember her taking a penny to the back of my favorite Spice Girls CD because she hated how much I played it because it was my favorite. I remember being yelled at, shoved around, always being forcibly pushed out of her bedroom. I remember her telling on me for EVERY little thing I ever did. I remember her seeing a pack of cigarettes in my locker that weren’t even mine and her telling my dad. I remember it all. I remember the constant fighting. I remember you leaving. I remember the day you shoved me out of your way so hard I flew from the hallway, into the bathroom, fell into the toilet and it BROKE from the force. And not only do I remember, but so does our family. I remember always wanting you to like me. I remember constantly trying to be your friend. I remember everything. I’m tired of you gaslighting me. I’m tired of you playing the victim. I am sick of you acting like I’ve never been there.

I begged you to stay. I begged. I constantly stood up for you. I loved you through it all. I had to drop a class 1L year because you called so often and I spent so much time looking for apartments and trying to convince dad and grandma to help you get away from Jay. I had to start therapy and go on medicine because of you and helping you away from that abuse. I always help you when you call. I’m always there when you text. I put off bar prep and have you my undivided attention during your fights with Kiersten, begging dad to help you. I literally do these things despite how horribly you treated me. This isn’t what sisters do. This is toxic and I have every right to say enough is enough and WALK AWAY.

[jadecringecomp]

jade, of course, is still trying to deflect rather than own up to anything at all. im too lazy for screenshots so youre going to have to deal with text for this one. you can see their post here though. and if receipts are needed they are most likely on the callout blog or you can come to me if you cant find them.

“uses their own dead grandma as leverage out of nowhere literally months after the original argument”

jade are you really that braindead. like youre still just proving my previous point. youre still practically shitting on me for it. i gave a reason as to why that night was so traumatic for me because you keep trying to make it seem “like it wasnt that bad” by your own words!

also like uh, jade. you yourself have used your aunt having cancer as a reason to just... excuse every single action youve done. so again, take that and choke.

“abuses their own bf/ex but its fine because he abused her first lolololol!!!”

jade i... honestly have no words. youre still defending a pedophile, and you even admit he abused me. like, yes, i cheated on him. but how does the fact he is a pedophilic abuser not process through your head. why are you so set on defending that. a genuine question.

“flips back and forth on whether they were actually abused or not whenever it benefits her“

theres... nowhere that even says that in the link you posted. are you posting that to still try and imply i lied about the abuse you inflicted upon me or...?

“refriends their own ‘abuser’”

ok well one jade, you still have no actual proof ive befriended broden at all. all you have is a like on a fucking post. really how braindead is it possible to be at this point.

and regarding bailey, i never called her my abuser. you were the one to do that. you said she abused me after i showed you screenshots of what went down between us. and whats worse after i even came to you and showed you the screenshots and you got involved with that mess?? you still wanna try and say what happened was fake. like you wanna call me two-faced, yet youre so quick to change your mind once you realize that person doesnt benefit you anymore. 

also! for someone whos a survivor of abuse, you sure as hell dont realize a common thing between us survivors is literally going back to those who’ve hurt them right?? like you keep bringing this up as if im fucking lying about the whole thing when im not since again, i came to you while we were friends with the proof. i can even post them if need be. and honestly it doesnt even fucking matter anymore ive broken contact with her after shortly realizing my mistake.

“denies other ppls abuse just because they doesnt like them and a few vent discord messages means they knows literally everything abt it“

i can admit to saying i denied your abuse because there is actual proof that you werent abused two years ago, not because i dont like you. do you really just think nobody will believe proof right in front of them jade??? do you think youre some perfect princess who can do no wrong???? like jade the proof is right @deeancie, @estweri, @honeykeis-callout, and even here. you really expect me to just not believe it if i didnt hate you. you honestly need some real fucking help if thats the case jade.

and really like. if you say your bf clams up when you go to him... what else am i supposed to believe. sure i can be wrong, but reading that shit can really make you wonder what is going on between you two. and jade you wanna say that like you yourself dont do that shit. remember all the times you read vague text posts and would go on a tangent as if you knew every little thing about what was going on in my life. yeah kinda what i thought.

“says grooming minors is talking to people One time“

i love how you fail to leave out the fact that these people were minors and that youre practically defending loli. so if youre still talking to these minors and since youre still defending loli, then yes youre grooming minors into thinking loli is ok.

“straight up let a minor into their porn server on discord (they can go as rabid about this as they want but they still straight up showed an actual minor graphic porn but IM a pedophile bc i rb anime sometimes lmfao)”

again its been resolved. like ive acknowledged it was wrong of me to do and ive changed it. and how can you say you just rb anime sometimes when. you literally are reblogging this kind of fuckshit. like do you not remember reblogging that obviously naked child in a collar or what. the difference is i realized my wrong and changed it while youre still rbing actual loli.

“lied about the relationship (the one where they abused each other and she cheated on him with her other abuser???) having elements of pedophilia because they lied about her age”

this is so... ive told you i forgot. the ages. i was literally an age off for the both of us. like what else do you want me to do about this.

“has sketchy as fuck ocs, including one thats physically ten who would force their adult self insert to be naked around them and also drew them being physically beaten“

while the first was true (but i dont have that oc anymore), where in the fuck did i draw them being physically beaten lole??? are you pulling this out of your ass to deflect you yourself rbing beaten children????

and i swear to god if you bring up this comic, im going to scream.

“is a stalker and an abuser. by their own logic“

ok like. a couple of things to this. jade when are you going to get it through your thick skull i didnt give a shit if you were lurking or not, it was the fact you would comment on my every move. which is stalking by the way and incredibly creepy like get a life!

and an abuser “by my own logic”. the link you shared, again, doesnt show that anywhere. also with how badly of a hypocrite you are, thats you. you told me it was abusive to call people delusional. you started doing that once i realized my wrong and stopped. you told me it was abusive. you told me making people relapse was abusive. yet once i relapse you still didnt give a shit and somehow that makes you in the clear (though i still dont give a shit we both literally did that to ourselves the point is youre an abuser too to your own logic). you said trying to gaslight people is abusive (which it is). look at the stacks of proof i have of you gaslighting me. like i could go on but all the proof if here on this blog.

“oh and dont forget they foamed at the mouth that i didnt instantly know when they changed their pronouns but has been proven to have Actually knowingly misgendered me for weeks“

jade the fact you were lurking should make it fucking obvious you should have known my pronouns. and for weeks?? jade i misgendered you in your callout, which i immediately changed once pointed out. will you please stop lying to make yourself look victim and just tell the truth for once in your life.

“also apparently i can call them rae and its not deadnaming because its not their birthname so“

oh my god youre literally fucking braindead it hurts to watch at this point. no rae isnt my deadname. but i do prefer not going my that. the whole point of that was that you tried screaming transphobia because someone called you by a previous name you went by. you fucking dumbass.

“claims to have bpd but doesnt even know what cluster b is holy shit!!!“

what do i even say to this jade?? what does the fact i didnt know what that was at first matter to me having bpd??? also are you just gonna shrug off the fact that you first claimed you got misdiagnosed with autsim, then suddenly you do? you claimed to have bipolar disorder, then later you suddenly decide you have bpd??? kind of sketchy if you ask me!

“tries to send anons under my name but forgot that their friend levi doesnt even have me blocked so why the fuck would i go on anon if i would ‘sign’ it anyway hm“

a....... are you implying i was the one to send those....? is it because you realized once you did so it backfired?? jade for someone who wanted to claim i was the one making up conspiracies, you sure make up a lot of them.

in conclusion: jade you still are just deflecting! you still havent defended any of the shit me or my friends have called you out for! the fact you still havent admitted to them or so much as even defended the claims sure does speak a lot! stop deflecting and lying and just fucking come out about it!