#i hate knowing im just going to be seen as guilttripping or manipulative for this

[dyketubbo]

vent under the readmore bc its too much for tags and too long + triggering to just let be out in the open. its about, you guessed it, the same shit as always. qpr 3m3raldduo discourse my beloved, youve been treating me so well /s

sighs. love seeing a post that i agree with just to look at ops tags and realize theyre fucking vaguing me and taking my words out of context. not to be dramatic but i would literally prefer being fucking dead if it meant i could stop being peoples controversial talking point. i know people might see this and just go "ohh you should take a break/go outside if criticism is effecting you that much :/" but at this point its just legit people fucking insulting me and talking behind my back and bringing shit up that i just want to let die by now.

ive been taking breaks, ive gone outside 50 goddamn times just today, ive tried to read books, ive tried to be social, ive taken care of myself as best as i can but this shit legit makes me want to just fucking kill myself so i dont have to see this anymore.

in all seriousness, and im sorry to be public about this, i feel like im genuinely having one of the worst relapses of my life because of this. im starting to feel how i did when i was being abused but this time instead of an abuser its strangers on the internet talking about me and somehow that just feels worse. and this time im actually fucking trying to get better, ive taken my meds, im trying to treat myself, im trying to distract myself and im trying to take a step back and do what makes me happy but every single day since that fucking post ive seen someone talk shit about me and it all comes crashing down again. i was actually fucking happy for once, i genuinely thought itd be okay, but now im just. suicidal again.

its all fucking reset. im so tired of being hated. i hate knowing that theres people talking about me right now. theres people talking about me. theres people insulting me, theres people who hate me, who are genuinely having fucking discourse because of me. god, theyre fucking watching me. people i dont know, people i cant know, theyre watching me, talking about me, theres genuinely people who could be searching for my fucking information right now and theres nothing i can do to stop them.

and in the end im just going to look like a whiny bitch trying to guilttrip people and play the victim. i hate this, i hate myself and i hate all the people who are making me feel this way. i just want to fucking end it, man. anything to just get them to stop.

at this point i doubt even deleting or apologizing would be enough. its not like i could be genuine about it. im just, tired. my delusions are starting to come true in front of my very eyes. im right to be paranoid, im finding evidence that i was right all along to be scared, to feel unsafe. and even if i leave, there will always be people talking about me, because itll still be around. it really does just feel like suicide is the only option so i can escape this shit because real life isnt any goddamn better, my family sucks, i only turned 16 last year and covids still a thing so its not like i can drive or move out or anything, schools a fucking nightmare, i dont have any irl friends because everyone my age is racist, queerphobic, ableist, or all of the above, and i cant tell everything to my therapist because i dont want to risk upsetting the peace at home right now. at this point its just like, shit, give them something to talk about, yknow? go out in a big burst and then be nothing for the rest of existence. i dont have any plans, nor anything to do it with, so im not in any danger. i just, want to. god, i really really want to.