#i hate how our family is tearing apart and being ignorant of each other rn

[jackbumjackgyeom]

I love GOT7 and ahgase so much. It's feels like home. Please don't change.

[duckymcdoorknob]

Could I have an emergency request please? I feel like I still have to be nice about it.

Not only is a triple blow, but I’ve relapsed, another time with my eating disorder and had suicidal thoughts from family. It’s just getting so bad and loud again I’m so sorry.

Could I have Reki kyan comforting his s/o with this kind of problem?

Hell yes you can.

I’m pushing this up so far because Reki is such a comfort character and I FEEL EXACTLY AS YOU DO RN.

I’m so damn proud of you for reaching out to me. Please let me know if you need anything at all.

I love you, anon.

CW BELOW THE CUT: ED behaviors, Suic1dal Thoughts.

𝑅𝑒𝑘𝑖 𝐾𝑦𝑎𝑛

Anyone who sees you and Reki together will immediately argue that the two of you are soulmates.

You both fit like peas in a pod, mutually loving and supporting each other no matter the issue. So, when you suddenly distanced yourself from him, Reki was instantly concerned.

His attempts to keep his daily life at bay failed, for he was only worried about you and what was eating you.

Mr. Oka noticed, telling him to take a few days off. So, he hung out at Sia La Luce during the evenings. He met with his friends, mind swimming.

Langa and Miya noticed, asking him if he had been taking care of himself. Shadow noticed, offering to fight whoever Reki needed him to. Finally, Joe and Cherry noticed, the pink-haired male cutting into the thick tension.

“Reki, what could be causing you so much stress?”

“(Y/N).” He answered breathlessly, taking his head through his hands, “They’ve disappeared on me. I haven’t spoken to them in about three days, and I’m just so worried about them I-“

“I saw them yesterday.” Langa interrupted suddenly, “They were at our spot in the park last night. I tried to say hi, but they ignored me. If I’m being honest, they’re probably there again tonight.”

Reki’s eyes widened as he jumped out of his seat, immediately looking to Joe for permission.

“Go, Kiddo. I’ll keep your plate warm.” The man said, wrapping the boy in a jacket.

Reki wasted no time grabbing his own jacket, in the event that you would need one, and raced to the park on his skateboard. To his relief, you were exactly where Langa said you were.

“(Y/N)!” He called, sprinting toward you, “Sweetheart, hey, can you hear me?”

You look up at him, shivering violently with tears in your eyes. Your boyfriend carefully placed the jacket on your shoulders. He sat down on the bench next to you, “I’m here when you’re ready to talk to me, love.”

Instead of talking, you simply fell forward into his chest and let out all of your lamentations. Reki held you securely, rubbing the top of your head with one hand, and holding your waist with another. “I’ve got you, I’ve got you. It’s alright.” He whispered.

Your love held you as you finally were able to cry out all of the pent up troubles. You inevitably stained his signature yellow hoodie, but he couldn’t give two shits right now.

“Reki I-I’m… I’m so sorry,” you whimpered.

“There’s nothing to be sorry about.” Your boyfriend reassured you, “Keeping stuff inside will just tear you apart eventually.”

“I- I don’t.. I don’t know if im ready…” you whisper in reply.

“Then don’t be. I have as long as you need.”

After a few more minutes of quiet reassurance, you were finally ready to tell Reki of your week.

“M-My family…” you began, “They’re uh.. heh, being themselves again.”

“I see.”

“I just don’t really want to be here anymore.” You admit. “I-I hate who I am. I can’t stomach a single thing. Even the thought of eating makes me so sick. You shouldn’t be here, I don’t want you to be burdened with taking care of me.”

“(Y/N), sweetie-pie, there’s no place I’d rather be.” Reki replied with a gentle smile, “If it means that I can get you to acknowledge that how you’re feeling is okay, I’ll stay with you till infinity.”

“I want you to know first and foremost, that I love you to the moon and back. There isn’t a thing about you that I would change, and I hope that one day I can help you see that. You are the most incredible person I’ve ever met, that’s precisely why I’ve fallen so in love with you.”

“I want you here by my side until we’re both old and wrinkly, playing card games in a nursing home.” This comment got a watery chuckle out of you.

“I love you, Reki.” You replied, wiping your tears.

“I love you too, (Y/N). You’re so amazing, and I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. You’re worth so much more than you think you are, and there’s just something about you that makes me love you so much more every time I see you. It will get better, I promise you. We’re not going to be stuck here forever, the clock will continue to run.”

“Now, if you’re feeling up to it, I can ask Joe to make you something very light at Sia La Luce, so you can join us for dinner. If not, you are more than welcome to come home with me. We can watch that one video compilation of the cats that you love so much.”

Regardless of your decision for dinner, you opted to join Reki at Joe’s restaurant. You were very pleased to see everyone, especially after a very enthusiastic hug from little Miya(who promptly let go and muttered insults along the lines of “stupid slime, making me worry”).

It would be a long journey to self love and re-discovery. But, you knew in your heart that if Reki was by your side, there’s nothing that you couldn’t do.

—————♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎—————

[enchantechante]

22012017 0509

its 330a and i woke up crying.

im still drunk, so i feel like i can be honest now.

i have been trying to ask myself what hurts. everything. everything hurts. and i dont know if im having a depressive episode in the middle of the night or if im just mourning bc my family is back home watching my gma die.

idk if i just have so much unforgiveness in my heart that it just wakes me up out my sleep.

all the demons i need to feed.

i cant remember the last time i spent time with someone who wasnt in their phone. and its becoming hard to distinguish if its a nervous habit or if people rly just rather be in their phone than be fully present w me.

speaking of things that make me feel non essential, i think certain people need people around like a fidget toy. to deflect their nervous energy or something.

esp me.

spending time w me is rly nice for some people bc i can easily have a full conversation abt someone else and be engaged. bc i love ppl. very specifically and devoutly. and ppl can feel that. and i think for people who neglect themselves, my genuine attention quenches something deeper for them.

like an itch they cant seem to scratch on their own.

and for a while ive felt like im a good stepping stone for certain people until they get ahold of themselves, heal and are able to give that genuine attn to someone else.

which is natural i guess. to finally acknowledge i was never all too memorable (to them).

but thats when you can feel good abt something like never speaking to your best friend again.

when you remember how disposable they made you feel.

you’re finally free to find someone who can treat you how you treat them.

even if that person is just you.

and they finally get it and agree to let the friendship die and its like watching everything, all of it, the pain and the pleasure, float off into outter space.

and the terror of when are they gonna hurt you again isnt lingering over your head. you can breathe a little deeper knowing theres one less person whos going to try and tear you down mentally again.

even tho it “wasnt always like that”.

tell me, how many times does someone need to tell you they used to try and make you feel stupid on purpose for you to day dream abt how to get free from that? (not them, as a person but THAT. whatever that thing is that lets “loved ones” go to sleep hurting so our egos can thrive)

if its possible to “bring the abuser out” in a person, i guess i do.

or for him i did.

call me old fashioned but i cant refriend ppl i know need professional psychological assistance and have not yet received it.

but thats nothing new.

i feel free now tho. & that is new.

sad but mostly free.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

since christmas ive started struggling w suicidal ideology again and i see why my therapist made a huge deal abt self care.

bc once you learn to take care of yourself, there is always undoubtedly one person who can back you when you need it. who can love you as you need it.

who you will never be too clingy to. or easily ignored w someones dash/feed/phone/txt.

me loving myself came out of necessity.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

i smoke. i drink.

but watching my family suffer, watching them die as she dies, hurts so deep ive stopped enjoying it.

there is nothing chemical or otherwise that can take this away.

i still do it.

but in the way ppl who hate their jobs drink coffee. bc its the only not-so-shitty part. it could be freshly ground & columbian imported.

its just another thing to make the empty feeling inside feel a little less empty.

except my shitty job is living rn.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

i dont give people the opportunity to call me “clingy” twice. after the first time i enjoyed your presence and you felt mine was excessive im gon get the fuck on. its becoming hard to distinguish if he just wants to be around bc he’s used to me being around but when we’re actually out, if im beside him clingy.

it makes functions my boyfriends gonna be at w me feel like im going out by myself.

bc who gives someone the opportunity to call them clingy twice...

not in a relationship.

(or anywhere rly).

the race to be at a friends house as soon as i get home. or in another room. the constant desire to be entertained, we cant just sit and actually, you know, just be w each other.

things i enjoy bc i actually like my bf as a person.

theres are ways to be here and gone.

for me to tell you “i miss you” and youre sitting right across from me, in a room where no one else is talking. and im not soft spoken its just one of those here-and-gone things.

i asked him if he heard me tonight and he said he didnt.

i said it wasnt important.

cause it doesnt feel like it is anymore. - - - - - - - - - - - - -

my friend and i are talking again.

and thats the only plus i could give today. the only thing that didnt have a fucked up underside.

i think its hard when youve accidentally hurt someone you care abt and you want to rebuild the friendship you gotta consider why ita such an uphill battle.

but its worth it bc of who he is.

he had so much to mourn. and be angry abt. so much to try and make sense of. and bc he matters to me, i did my very best to understand at any given moment since i hurt him i could be encountering him at any stage of grief.

some of how he feels isnt so much personal to me as it is also apart of unpacking what every thing thats transpired meant to him.

and bc i love him, im patient.

and i will apologize for the rest of my life if i need to. hes too important to not understand how important he is to me.

it means a lot we got to talk today.

- - - - - - - - - - -

also got great advice from bestables. whos subtle love keeps me from feeling like im falling apart from too long. bestables could txt once a week.

bc she gave me love that grew. and we both tend it often and regularly.

bc what she built by design is self-sustaining (sured up w love, trust, understanding, consistency, pure intentions, grace and forgiveness - all that good best friend stuff) she can leave and come back.

she knows how to say or do just a few things here and there, bc she knows me, that keep my heart full.

she is my living example of how to use love to keep a person strong rather than leave them weak (which i think is an over romanticized state to be in bc of “love”).

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

i deleted a young woman i used to talk to.

and she reached out this evening and we had a v nice talk. she & i have only had a few nice talks, and flirted a bit. but she got some rly dark news.

and she stopped talking to me. which im fine w but it was hard seeing her pop up on fb talking and flirting w all of her other friends.

so i just tried to make a graceful exit and im surprised she noticed.

im kind of at the point in my life tho where if someones gonna be my friend i need them to come on w it.

mentally i dont think i have the energy for one-sided friendships rn.

also: this isolating myself shit? its clutch af.

why? bc ppl rly suck rn. & im so v fragile.

ppl still be like, “how are you?” and if im bein honest i just say “not good.” i feel sick but like its in my heart/mind.