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tried-to-write · 6 years ago

Text

We Got Married (but maybe I don’t wanna be)

Pairing: MoonSun

Summary: She did it for the publicity, it was a pretty well known show after all.

Yongsun, Byulyi, and Eric through WGM.

Chapter: 2/3 - Moon Byulyi

Links to alternate websites if you don’t like reading on tumblr: AO3 AFF

Yongsun was going to get married to a man, a stranger.

Byulyi had never felt that life was unfair more than she did at that moment.

Sure, it wasn't a real marriage. But it still hurt, the reminder that she would never be the one to stand on the other end of the aisle from the one she loved, her best friend, just for being who she was.

Byulyi felt like she was being torn apart internally, but she also couldn't deny that it was good publicity and decided that she would support Yongsun who had chosen to do it. So she put on the largest grin that she could muster and cheered on her unnie.

The initial few days after Yongsun officially accepted the offer were the hardest. Byulyi couldn't help feeling betrayed, even if she kept telling herself that it was all for business. So, Byulyi withdrew herself from her unnie, not wanting to accidentally hurt her in any way, attaching herself more to the two younger ones instead.

The ever observant maknaes noticed, of course, how dismissive Byulyi was towards their leader. They confronted her one day, after Yongsun had left on her own for a meeting with the managers. They noted her strange behaviour, wondered if their unnies had yet another fight.

Not for the first time, Byulyi considered revealing her (not so) little crush to the two girls. She trusted these girls with her life, had spent a good portion of it with them. In the end, she held back and told them a heavily downplayed version of her story, hiding her romantic feelings behind a veil of platonic friendship.

She hated herself for being such a coward, hated lying to two of her best friends. But, she wasn't even out to them yet, let alone willing to potentially ruin their whole group dynamic. Despite their continuous shows of support for the LGBT community, Byulyi told herself that it wasn't the right time.

The two girls listened and comforted her with sympathetic hugs. They reminded her of the upcoming comeback and encouraged her to make up with Yongsun soon.

She took their concerns and words of advice to heart and the following day, Byulyi greeted her unnie with a hug.

What she had not expected was for Yongsun to pull her in closer and whisper in her ear how much she'd missed her. Byulyi was left sputtering in response, face blazing as the leader giggled amusedly.

This weird behaviour continued on for the rest of the week. Yongsun would suddenly grab her hand or wrap her in a hug. Byulyi was sure that there was something wrong with Yongsun. She couldn't say that she hated it though.

---

Byulyi had to hide her disdain watching the fake couple when she appeared on the show several times to react. She watched as they did things that Yongsun had only done with her before, or things they hadn't, things they planned to do together... And when did they get so casual with hugging and holding hands?

Byulyi had to constantly remind herself that the relationship she was seeing on screen wasn't real. Still, her chest grew tight as she saw the couple get closer.

Byulyi did think that Yongsun looked uncomfortable with all the displays of affection. But then again, how would she know when she'd never seen Yongsun like anyone romantically before?

(Didn't know that she had seen it before, every time they looked into each other’s eyes)

Byulyi answered every question the panel had on Yongsun proudly, not able to hold herself back from showing off how well she knew her unnie. She wanted so much to proclaim how much better she would be with Yongsun instead of that Eric Nam, but knew it was a dumb idea. Instead, she sat there quietly, only laughing and commenting at the appropriate times.

No matter how much Byulyi didn't like it, she could still see that Eric was a good guy. He was treating Yongsun well and all Byulyi wanted to see was her Yongkong being happy, even if it meant supporting the Ddongie couple.

(Even the virtual couple's greeting sounded so much like theirs and Byulyi couldn't help feeling a little possessive)

(“Yongdong Yoondong” would never beat “Yongkong Byulkong” and no she was not jealous) So Byulyi held back on her disdain for the situation and put on a smile as she helped her leader get ready for her dates. She tried not to feel hurt when Yongsun sent her practice videos for her wedding, instead turning it into gratitude that she trusted Byulyi enough for advice. She lied about how cute she found the couple when it was really just Yongsun she focused on each episode. She tried her best to cherish the time they spent together preparing lunch boxes, even if they were for another man.

Through all this, Byulyi hid her resentful feelings, channeling them into song lyrics instead, writing about how worthless she felt.

---

Even when you’re here, it hurts I miss you but what can I do? I don’t want to make it obvious

Afraid you’ll find me pitiful, yeah

I’m so worthless, worthless, yeah

---

Whenever Eric was brought up yet again in press conferences or interviews, Byulyi worked hard to steel her jaw and keep her mouth shut as her leader laughed abashedly. Was their relationship really that interesting? Last time she checked, they were promoting for Mamamoo, not We Got Married.

Byulyi knew she was being petty and unreasonable but she couldn't help her exasperation.

These feelings turned out to be more serious than she had thought and she couldn't help the words that burst from her lips in yet another fight with her unnie.

The fight had started small, arguing over dumb things was a standard in their relationship. But all the pent up frustration and insecurities over Yongsun's relationship with Eric Nam that Byulyi had built up inside of her found it the perfect time to make themselves known. She lashed out at the leader, shouting things she didn't mean and accusing her of things she didn't believe.

And Yongsun shouted back, Byulyi knew she would. The leader would never let herself be accused with false allegations. Then Byulyi was suddenly out the door and finally freeing the tears that had built up behind her eyeballs, the guilt from fighting with her best friend eating at her from the inside. She wanted so badly to just go back in and apologise to the woman, accepting whatever scoldings might await her. But Byulyi was too worked up and heartbroken and maybe a little messed up because she actually didn't want to be on good terms with her unnie at the moment, didn't want to keep pretending that she was okay, and so she left it there and walked off.

An hour later, the door in front of her opened to reveal Wheein who looked questioningly at her as she quietly stepped into the house, eyes rimmed with red and a pack of beer in her hands.

Another hour later, empty beer cans were scattered across the floor among the two women sitting cross-legged.

“Wheein-ie...” Byulyi whined, dragging out her name.

“What do I do...? She definitely hates me now. You should've seen her face, she was so angry. But also hot. So hot . How can anyone look that hot when they're angry? Seriously... I slammed the door on that pretty face! Slammed! On her face! Now I'm angry at myself. Oh man, what if she doesn't want to talk to me anymore after this? Or worse, what if she doesn’t want to see me again? That would be hell...” Byulyi drunkenly rambled, leaning her forehead on Wheein's shoulder

“Wheein-ah, I can't live a life without Yongsun..!” Byulyi wailed in anguish, turning her head to cry into Wheein's neck.

Wheein sighed, bringing a hand up to sympathetically pat the older woman's head. “Get your shit together, Byulie-unnie. You know that she could never hate you, right?”

“You're right, she's too nice for that… And I still hurt that precious sunshine with my stupid words! Wheein, I'm such a terrible person!” Byulyi bawled.

Byulyi suddenly grabbed onto Wheein’s hand, flattening it against her chest. “Do you feel that? There’s nothing, is there? That’s because I’m heartless!”

She promptly let go of Wheein’s hand and burst into tears.

Wheein lifted an eyebrow at the silly display in front of her. After just a brief explanation of what happened, and then close to an hour of overdramatic blabbering about the same thing, her patience was starting to wear thin.

“I think you should just tell her.”

“Tell her what?”

“That you like her.”

Byulyi blanched. It was almost comical how wide her eyes grew and Wheein had to stifle a laugh.

“How- how did you know? Oh my god, Wheein-ah, are you psychic?”

“Um, unnie, it's pretty obvious.” Considering all the flirting, touching, and longing stares. “Hyejin and I have been suspecting it for a long time.”

“But I thought I was hiding it pretty well… I never even told you I was gay. Holy crap, do you think Yongsun can tell too then?” Byulyi started to hyperventilate. “She definitely, definitely hates me now.”

“Unnie, do you seriously think she would judge you for that? Anyway, Hyejin and I are pretty sure she's bisexual.”

“Do you mean that or are you just saying that because I happen to like her?”

“Unnie.”

“Alright, alright, sorry. But this is really bringing my hopes up and my heart is beating unhealthily fast right now.”

Byulyi knocked back a shot of soju and moved to refill her glass, only to realise that the soju bottle was suddenly in Wheein's hands. "You've drunk enough today. It's time to stop," Wheein said as she screwed the bottle cap back on and placed the bottle down an arm's length away. It was just out of reach of the inebriated woman who had too hazy a mind to think to just move to take it. Instead, Byulyi grumbled incoherently before draping herself across Wheein's lap, folding her arms and pouting. Wheein chuckled and gently pushed the woman off onto the floor, standing up and bringing the bottle with her to the kitchen. "No..! Wheein-ie don't leave me..." Byulyi whined. "You can survive the 10 seconds I'm away from you, and I'm like a metre away," Wheein called out, voice muffled by the concrete wall between them. A few seconds later, Wheein emerged carrying a glass of water in each hand. She placed one down in front of Byulyi who was still frowning at being abandoned.

“Come on, unnie. Drink some water.”

“No.”

Wheein sighed. “You'll feel better in the morning.”

“No.”

“Alright, well, I'm going to go sleep now. It's pretty late and we still have practice tomorrow.”

“Okay, and I'll sleep here, in the living room, away from you.”

Wheein had to hold back from slapping herself in disbelief. “Right. I'll wake you up in the morning.”

Before closing the door to her room, Wheein turned back and said, “By the way, I'm sure everything will be fine in the end, especially since it's you two. So don't worry too much about it, ‘kay?”

She gave a dimpled smile and shut the door.

Byulyi stuck her tongue out at the closed door and moved to the couch to finally sleep.

(She was tremendously grateful to Wheein the next morning)

---

It took less than a week of half-hearted perseverance before Byulyi relented, as she usually did whenever Yongsun was involved. She didn’t know how much she had missed the other woman’s embrace until she was finally in Yongsun’s arms again.

---

When Mamamoo was invited to guest star in an episode, Byulyi didn’t miss the worried glances cast at her by Wheein. She mustered a weak grin and a thumbs up that didn’t seem to convince anyone by the look on Wheein's face. But it was still a job, and it still had to be done to the best of their ability.

They got ahold of the Ddongie couple's schedule and planned their surprise visit behind their clueless leader's back. They thought of ways to get the couple closer and came up with games, already scheming their winning strategies. They loved to see their unnie put in uncomfortable situations.

She didn't expect how much harder it would be in real life. Watching them get along in person hit her hard in the chest

Byulyi volunteered to be the game referee, unsure if she would actually let herself beat the couple if she were a part of the games. Her mind went blank when she saw Eric place his lips on Yongsun's cheek. Reminding herself that there were cameras filming, she forced herself to smile and cheer for the couple.

She thought she could win an award for her acting.

It felt almost difficult to leave the place, knowing that she would be leaving Yongsun to sleep together with another man. Sure, there was cameras everywhere so there was almost no chance of anything happening and she had nothing to worry about. But Byulyi still felt uneasy, missed the nights she spent huddled under the covers beside the older woman. Their schedules had been packed and while they saw each other almost every day, there was less time for simply hanging out, just the two of them.

It must have hurt her more than she'd thought it did because she started tearing up soon after they returned to the RBW building. She didn't even realise it at first, not until cries of “Byulie unnie! Are you okay?” reached her ears and brought her back to reality. She noticed first the worried looks of the people around her, then the ever familiar feeling of tears trickling down her cheeks.

Their manager was at a loss on how to react and, after making sure she was not needed, left to give her some time alone with her teammates who were much better at calming her down.

Tears kept spilling uncontrollably from her eyes no matter how much she tried to hold them back which was frustrating her to no end and only served to produce more tears. Her teammates embraced her as she sat on the floor and wept and she clung onto them like they were her lifeline. They stayed in that position till her cries reduced to just the occasional sob.

Byulyi was embarrassed by her breakdown. She didn't like crying in front of others, felt that it made her seem weak, vulnerable. But she knew her members loved her and would never judge her for it. She had restrained herself from showing anyone how upset she was at the situation, tucking away her feelings because she knew they would just be a burden. It was kind of relieving to finally let it all out.

“Unnie, are you feeling better?”

“Yeah I- ” Byulyi paused to sniffle. “I think so.”

“I'm so sorry, I didn't think that you were that affected by them,” Hyejin said, arms going around Byulyi again in another hug.

“It's fine, I didn't think so either.”

“Still, I should have known…”

“You couldn't have known, it's not your fault. If anything, it's mine,” Byulyi let out a hollow laugh. “I thought that if I saw them together, saw how happy he made her... Then maybe I could get over my feelings.”

A wry smile briefly appeared on her face before she continued, “But it didn't work. And now I'm disappointed in myself for being so selfish that I couldn't just be happy for her.”

There was a moment of silence in the room before Hyejin raised an eyebrow. She lifted a hand to knock Byulyi on the head. “Unnie, that's gotta be the most stupid idea I have ever heard from you, and I've heard a lot!”

Byulyi frowned at her junior and rubbed the stinging spot on her head. “Hyejin, that's not helping,” she grumbled.

“She's right though, unnie. And it's just as dumb that you think that you're selfish for not wanting to see the person you like being romantic with someone else,” Wheein chipped in.

Byulyi blinked at her two friends before finally sighing.

“Alright, alright,” Byulyi raised both her arms in surrender. “I got it. I don't need you two to gang up on me.”

The two childhood friends glanced at each other with serious expressions before swiftly high fiving.

Byulyi lifted the corner of her mouth in a half smile, hands lowering as the overwhelming feeling of gratefulness hit her.

“Thank you for this.”

“You know we'll always be here for you, unnie.”

There was a moment of tenderness as the girls shared another hug and soft smiles were exchanged…

“But I'm kinda hurt that you told Wheein but not me, though.”

The three girls burst into laughter.

---

The manager gave them the rest of the day off, told them that they did a good job with filming earlier. It was days like these that Byulyi felt truly appreciative of all the supportive people in her life.

After a restless night, Byulyi gave up on sleeping and went to practice early. Dancing had always been a way for her to clear her head and she let herself be immersed in the flow of movements, her body moving to the rhythm of the music.

The sound of the door opening was drowned out by the music but the reflection of a familiar face in the peripheral of Byulyi’s vision caught her eye and she halted in her movements. Byulyi hadn’t really been prepared to face her leader so soon and thought that Yongsun would even be late that day considering how filming had gone on overnight. Mentally bracing herself for the imminent conversation, she moved to turn off the music.

“Byul-ah, what are you doing here so early?”

Byulyi’s heart rate sped up and she wasn’t sure she could blame it entirely on her dance routine.

“I could ask you the same, Yongsun-unnie,” Byulyi said, reflexively averting her eyes as she deftly avoided the question. She wasn’t really in the mood to talk to the woman who she had been trying to forget when she came in earlier, but said woman obviously had other plans. Byulyi focused her eyes on the wall beside her instead, unable to meet the other woman’s eyes, and so missed the flash of annoyance on Yongsun’s face.

“Filming just ended so I came here early. Now it's your turn to answer the question.”

Byulyi didn’t really want to but could hear the tone of irritation in Yongsun’s voice and reconsidered.

“... I couldn't sleep,” she yielded after a moment.

“Byulie, look at me. What's wrong?”

Byulyi felt a pang in her heart at the gentle tone and finally looked up into her leader’s eyes. It turned out to be a mistake as her guilt just worsened upon seeing those concern-filled eyes directed right at her. Those eyes had always been a weakness of hers. Byulyi could feel herself about to burst and let out a deep breath, resigning to her fate as she forced the words out of her mouth.

“I was jealous,” she blurted out. “Of Eric.”

“I just- I'm the one who's always been with you, but now he's the one who's exploring new places with you and doing new things with you when- when-” Byulyi scrambled for the next words to say.

Her heart pumped fast and hard in her chest as she held the words she knew she wanted to say at the tip of her tongue. Her brain told her that those words could ruin their friendship forever. However, the previous night's talk came to the forefront of her mind and lingered.

Byulyi finally decided to just go for it and said, “When it should be me.”

Her shoulders drooped. She couldn’t bear to look at the leader’s face, afraid of what she would find.

There was a long period of silence in the room and Byulyi wanted to run away. But then Yongsun was suddenly embracing her and Byulyi clutched at the arms around her, afraid that the other woman would suddenly decide to leave. If Yongsun would accept her then...

“Byul-ah, you don't have to worry about losing me, okay? We'll always be the best of friends.”

Byulyi felt a stab in her chest.

“Right, just friends…” she whispered bitterly. Her leader was denser than she thought. Byulyi wanted to laugh at Yongsun, but decided to drop the subject and just enjoy the hug.

---

On the Ddongie couple’s last day of filming for that damned show, Byulyi couldn’t help rejoicing. She didn't feel as good about it when she saw how sad Yongsun actually was about the whole thing ending, but she still felt a little lighter. No matter how she felt about the situation, Byulyi was still grateful to Eric for providing her unnie a pleasant experience on the show.

It wasn't all over yet though, as there was one last event to be attended: the MBC Entertainment Awards Ceremony. Byulyi held it in the back of her mind as they were doing final preparations for their own event.

During a lull in activity, as they took advantage of the chance to rest their legs before having to be on their feet for a few hours, Byulyi glanced at the woman beside her in her pink-tinted dress. Said woman was typing rapidly on her phone, replying to one message or another on her SNS, not noticing or simply just used to the attention on her. She was so beautiful even with her mouth agape as she completely focused on her screen.

Byulyi took out her own phone and held it up, letting the strong urge to document the stunning woman beside her overtake her. She could never resist such urges anyway and the leader was used to it by now, usually complying with Byulyi's every need to photograph her. This time was no different.

“Unnie, look here.”

Yongsun glanced up from her phone, only to look into the screen of another. She naturally went into a pose for the camera, locking her phone screen with one hand while the other moved to lightly hold her chin, along with a gentle smile to complete the look.

Byulyi snapped several pictures, experimenting for the best angle. When she was finally satisfied, she brought her phone back to eye level, showing it first to her unnie who gave her nod of approval before returning to texting. Byulyi stared a little longer at the picture displayed on screen. Their outfits matched especially well, along with the colours and... they looked kind of like they were getting married… which reminded her of what was happening later on that night.

Perhaps out of spite (towards the man who had really done nothing wrong and towards the society that forbid two women from being together), Byulyi found herself posting the photo on their fancafe, with only the word "BEST” added on to it along with a quick caption of ‘Welcome to Byulddonie world’’ (because Yongsun was indeed her world). It didn't matter if she added the word “friend” to it, society deemed it impossible for two women to be anything more anyway, and if that's how it was then she would take advantage of the fact to be as obvious as she could.

It wasn't long before they were called out from their rest for some finishing touches before their performance. Soon, they were stepping off the stage decked out in all black. Their manager immediately pulled their leader to the side, ushering her urgently towards the exit.

Byulyi sighed as she was reminded of the other award ceremony that had already started. She had erased the upcoming event from her mind to focus on her performance. She hated that the events had such clashing schedules that Yongsun had to rush off so hastily. Almost missing the leader's absence, she hurried to catch up with the departing group, pleased that she managed to send off her unnie as she usually did.

Standing at the entrance waving her leader off, Byulyi even kept turning around as she went back in to continue waving goodbye, not disappointed by the silly faces she got from her yeba in return. She went back up to join the rest of the members in the waiting room, chatting with them for a bit before turning on the TV in the room and switching to the MBC channel.

They were all eager to watch their beloved leader appear on the screen and cheered noisily when she actually won Best Couple Award with her fake ex-husband. They all howled with laughter (as their leader had predicted correctly) when they saw her fumbling with her words on stage, a rare sight.

After a while more, they finally wrapped up and headed home. Byulyi ultimately found herself unlocking the door to her unnie's house, washing up and grabbing some clothes she knew she had left behind last time. Stretching herself out on the familiar couch, she scrolled through her phone for a bit before eventually succumbing to the exhaustion that always came after events.

---

Byulyi jolted awake upon hearing the soft beeping at the front door. The resounding click that followed signalled the arrival of her housemate.

Muted footsteps shuffled across the floor.

Yongsun-unnie must be home, Byulyi thought drowsily. Not wanting to leave the comfort of the couch, she didn't bother getting up to check.

The footsteps halted, and the house was quiet again. The silence was lulling Byulyi back to sleep. She was just about to doze off when she heard her name.

“Byul-ah… You don't even know how much I love you.” followed by a soft chuckle.

The confession was soft and Byulyi might have missed it if the room wasn’t so quiet. But it was, and she heard it clear as day.

Her mind, still half asleep, took a moment to process what she heard.

Yongsun-unnie? How much she loves me? What does she- Yongsun-unnie loves me?

Byulyi opened her eyes and looked around the dark room blearily. The space in front of her was empty. Where did she-

The sound of the shower turning on interrupted her thoughts, coincidentally answering her question.

Letting her eyelids fall back shut, Byulyi buried herself into the back of the couch. She groaned. What did Yongsun even mean by that? Was it a friend thing? But it definitely didn't seem like a friend thing. Or was Byulyi simply just overthinking things?

She was so tired. It was so difficult to think. She decided that she'll worry about it in the morning (it's a problem for future Byulyi now) and promptly fell back asleep.

---

A/N: Has it been exactly a week? I kinda rushed some of the scenes in this chapter so I could get it out by today so sorry if it's not as good as the first chapter :’)

Stick around for next chapter where they’ll finally get their shit together… or won’t they..? ;)

#mamamoo #moonsun #moon byulyi #kim yongsun #fanfic #eric nam #wgm

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x-hidden-butterfly-x · 6 years ago

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A true story- My experience with domestic violence/emotional abuse

Before you read on: If you have experiences with this and you are easily triggered by flashbacks then perhaps don’t read on. This may be a subject matter that many people will feel uncomfortable with, but I want to share my experience. It’s important to talk about this stuff.

The picture above is me in 2010. I was 18 years old and I was in a really bad place. If you’ve been reading for a long time then you may have read my true story about my experience with Rape. That happened in 2009. So I was still pretty messed up at this point. I had no confidence, I still struggled with feelings of self blame for what had happened to me, I had no self worth and instead of being scared of relationships I found myself seeking affection more. I was trying to recover from an eating disorder at the time too so I had a lot going on.

Also at this point in my life I got involved with an older man, he was 26 so there was an 8 year age gap between myself and him. We were friends before we got romantically involved, I wouldn’t say that I was initially attracted to him and now I wonder if I ever was. I think because he was older than me I felt very flattered. As I said I was seeking comfort and affection so I think when he came on to me I was surprised that a man would find me desirable especially an older man at that.

Things moved very quickly with myself and him, I had moved into his flat in just 2 weeks. I had problems at home with my mum so after an argument with her I decided to move out of the family home and into my boyfriends flat. The relationship was kind of like any other relationship at first, he was very sweet to me, he would shower me with affection and compliments, he just had this way of making me feel special. Which is why when it changed, it changed so quick that I didn’t see it coming.

We’d been together about 3 weeks I’d say and that’s when his controlling side started to emerge. I had recently made up with my mum and was due to go over to her house to stay. He insisted on taking me there even though it was only a 20 minute walk. On the way there he was begging and pleading with me to not go, he said he’d leave me if I did. I told him not to be silly and that I was only going to be gone for a night. After a 20 minute argument I managed to convince him to let me go and stay with my mum. When I saw my mum she said she didn’t like my boyfriend and wanted me to dump him. I didn’t listen to her, I wish I did.

Over the weeks, he became more and more controlling. He wouldn’t let me see my friends. He would say he was ill or depressed, he’d say anything he could to make me stay home. He wouldn’t let me stay at my mum’s or other family members houses, or even go and visit I wasn’t allowed anywhere. I had to make excuse after excuse till eventually people stopped calling and I became isolated. He was then my entire world.

Most arguments I had with my boyfriend revolved around me wanting to go out. When I wanted to go out I would then have to endure hours of arguing until I relented and gave him what he wanted which was for me to stay in with him. We had this one argument about me wanting to go to the shop across the road from our flat, I asked him if I could go and he straight up said no. I tried to laugh it off and told him he could watch from the window and I would literally be 5 minutes. He then invented a reason to stop me from going. He told me that he had seen the boys that raped me outside the flat and he had overheard them talking about how they were going to “get” me again if they saw me. Looking back I can see how far-fetched this story is, but at the time I actually believed him. Sure enough I stayed in.

He controlled other areas of my life such as money. Any money we had he would drink so I literally sometimes had no money for food, which wasn’t great given that I was trying to recover from an eating disorder.

As the months went by I found myself becoming nervous around him, I found that he would often start an argument with me for no reason. He would then have this way of turning it on its head to make me feel guilty and like I was to blame. His control over me began to expand. He started controlling what I ate (when we could afford it) which was hard as he would make me meals that were massive, so big that it was impossible for me to complete a meal. When I failed to finish everything on my plate he would shout at me. He also banned me from wearing pyjamas in bed. I was forced to sleep naked and I didn’t like it one bit.

We had this one argument at about 3 in the morning. He’d been drinking all day and by this point I wanted to go to bed. I went into the bedroom and got into bed. He then began blasting Eminem at nearly top volume. I got out of bed and asked him to turn it down, he then turned it up to max volume. The whole flat was basically vibrating from the music. I walked over and turned it off completely. As I went to walk out the room he started shouting at me so I turned around to tell him to be quiet. He then threw the television remote full pelt in my direction he missed luckily, as it smashed into the wall next to me. It did scare me as he’d never been so aggressive before. I ran into the bedroom he chased after me, I was crying and sat against the bedroom door trying to shut him out. He then started to kick the door so eventually I let him in. He then apologised and asked me to be intimate with him I wasn’t in the mood and for the next hour I had him begging and pleading for intercourse. He was trying to turn my no into a yes and wouldn’t let me sleep until I agreed to do what he wanted. I gave in and said yes just so I could go to sleep. I hated every minute of it.

He would pressure me every night to have intercourse with him. I would say no and I felt uncomfortable with him making me feel guilty for not wanting to. Once he even threatened to jump out of the window and kill himself because I’d turned him down. That then made me give in and say yes. It was all mind games.

When we’d been together about 6 months, his landlord evicted us from the property. My boyfriend told me it was because the landlord wanted the property back as he was moving overseas. I now believe it was because he was in rent arrears. We found ourselves homeless, until I bumped into a friend who said we could stay at hers until we found somewhere else. I was thankful that she was kind enough to let us stay. At this point I had found a job as a receptionist at a children’s centre. On my first day at work my boyfriend came into the children’s centre and sat in there for 3 hours watching my every move. He was told to leave eventually, I was embarrassed and felt so suffocated.

My boyfriend found us a flat eventually but it was really far away, it was in an area I wasn’t familiar with and it would mean that I wasn’t near my mum. Although I didn’t see much of her I still spoke to her everyday on the phone and if my boyfriend gave me permission I could occasionally visit her for a few hours those occasions were rare but I cherished them. Something about moving away from the area didn’t sit right with me. I told my boyfriend I didn’t want to move away and that I wanted to move back to my mum’s as I wasn’t happy with him. He begged and pleaded for me to stay with him and to move into the new flat with him, I gave in like I always did and told him it was on a trial basis only and if he didn’t change his ways after 2 weeks, I would be leaving.

So I moved into the new flat with him and within days I knew I had made a mistake. I had never felt more lonely in my entire life. I had to travel 2 hours for work, I loved working as it meant I could get away from him and speak to other people, my heart would sink when I had to go home. He once asked me to call in sick because he didn’t want me to go to work, I said no and that I wanted to go to work. When I went to get ready for work he hid my Oyster card (if you’re unfamiliar with an oyster card it’s what we use in London to travel on public transport) so I couldn’t go to work and had to call in sick.

Things in my relationship with him went from bad to worse. When I came back from work one day we had a big argument. I went to the toilet when I got in, and after I had finished I went to sit in the living room. He accused me of cheating on him, saying that I went to the toilet to wash myself and I was probably having an affair when I was at work. I told him how stupid he was being but he wouldn’t stop he shouted at me for an hour straight. He started calling me fat and ugly and started to insult my mum and other family members he said some very hurtful things about my family and I just lost it. I slapped him. No one had ever made me lose my temper like that so I was stunned that I had lashed out. He slapped me back of course, I told him we should end things but he threatened to take his own life if I left so once again I felt trapped and went along with what he wanted.

Arguments began happening every day. The arguments mainly revolved around intercourse. I didn’t want to be intimate with him at all. I would be hounded for hours on end and would have to give in if I wanted any sleep. One night I decided to try and stick to my guns and stick to my answer which was no. He hit the roof, he said he was leaving and walked out the flat, I wasn’t bothered as all I wanted to do was sleep so I decided to try and go to bed before he got back. He rang my phone until I woke up and told me to look out the window he was literally sat in the courtyard of our building shivering saying he would be leaving me I told him that was fine with me and hung up the phone. He eventually came back in and we had a huge argument. It went from him threatening to self harm to then threatening to burn the house down with me in it. I had no choice in the matter so I gave him what he wanted. I felt my skin literally crawl the whole way through. I feel sick at the memory of it.

The next day we had a massive argument he tried to be affectionate towards me in the morning. I told him not to touch me and that I didn’t want him anywhere near me after what had happened the night before. I told him I was leaving him, I got out of bed and started to pack all my clothes. He was screaming and shouting at me. He grabbed one of the bags that I was putting my clothes in, and started taking them out. He also started gathering up my clothes that were in another part of the room and started throwing them around. He started throwing my clothes outside our front door. I then had to grab them and bring them back in. He then started chucking my clothes around the room so all my stuff was mixed up. I went into the living room to get away from him. He threatened to set fire to possessions that were precious to me. I had to practically wrestle with him to get them off him. When I managed to get them back I hid them in the cupboard under the sink. He was screaming in my face, he said he was going to cut my face with a razor blade he slapped me and pulled me around by my hair then threw me on the floor.

I was frightened of him. He said he would jump off a bridge if I left him. He also said that he would burn the house down with me and him in it if I thought of leaving him. Later that day my mum phoned me to catch up and he made me sit in the front room in front of him to speak, to make sure I woudn’t tell her anything that had gone on. It was so hard to talk to her and pretend I was okay when really I was hurting so much.

The next day was Monday I had work and it was also pay day. Before I left to go to work I asked his permission to go shopping for new clothes after work with my mum. He reluctantly agreed, I told him I would see him later that evening. After work I met my mum and we went round the shops. I then told her everything that had been happening. She listened and supported me, together we made a plan she told me to make sure I had credit on my phone and if I wanted to leave text her and she would get my uncle to drive over and pick me up . I was happy to finally have a way out.

After I left her and got home I felt like I really didn’t want to be there. My boyfriend had bought me a balloon saying “I love you” and a box of chocolates, even though he was being nice to me I just felt it was false. I knew that he would never change, I would remain in this relationship where this one person had to be my world and I just couldn’t do it any more. I wanted my freedom back. So I texted my mum and simply just said “now”. She rang to check if I was sure, I told her I was and then she told me to gather up some bits and that she’ll get my uncle to come and get me. I did what she said but then my uncle rang me and said he was on his way. My boyfriend got wind of what was happening and before I knew it, quick as a flash he’d slammed out of the flat.

I concentrated on gathering up as much as I could before my uncle arrived. It had been about 20 minutes since my boyfriend slammed out of the flat, there was a knock at the door. I opened it and it was the police. The police had asked me if I was Danae Brandon, I told them I was and they explained that they had a call from my boyfriend saying I was leaving him. I told them that, that was correct. They went on to say that my boyfriend was apparently standing on a bridge and was going to kill himself because I was leaving. Part of me felt awful and I half changed my mind about going as I would hate to be responsible for someone dying. But then I came to my senses and realised that my boyfriend was lying. He woudlnt really jump he’d threatened it that many times and hadn’t done it. He was just trying to prevent me from leaving. So I told the police that he was probably giving them the run around and that he was wasting their valuable time.

The police very kindly assisted me with packing up my stuff in case my boyfriend came back. My uncle arrived and helped me with packing as much as I could. The police left as I now had my uncle there. Once I had packed most of my stuff I left with my uncle. He drove me to my nans house and I honestly don’t think I’ve ever felt so relieved in my life. I felt like a weight had been lifted off me and I didn’t shed one single tear. I didnt care that my relationship had ended. My boyfriend tried to ring and convince me to come home of course. I told him firmly that I wasn’t coming back. Plus my mum had told me that after everything I could never take him back. Especially as my uncle helped me leave and all that.

The next day I wanted to go shopping and just as I was getting ready to leave the house I checked my purse to find my bank card was missing. I had just been paid my monthly wages so my nan told me to go to the bank as soon as possible to cancel and block my card. I went as quick as I could and when it came to me trying to withdraw whatever I had left in my bank account the cashier informed me that my account had been cleared out. I knew it was my boyfriend. He controlled all the money and knew my pin number so I knew he was the one who took all my wages. I realised that when he had stormed out of the flat the night before, he must have gone into my purse which was in my coat. He must have took my bank card whilst I was on the phone to my uncle. I was so upset as that meant I wouldn’t see a penny till the next month. I rang him and he just laughed. I was livid. He stole my hard earned money when all he did was sit on his backside and lived off of me. Even though I lost my money, I didn’t regret my decision. I ended up happier and leaving him was the best thing I’ve ever done.

After I ended my relationship with my boyfriend I worked hard on building my confidence back up. I found myself moving on and meeting someone new within a couple of months, which was probably too quick. It was more because I wanted to be loved and to be treated right, after years of being mistreated by men. I found this relationship was nice, the person I was with was very kind and respectful. Unfortunately after 9 months it didn’t work out. But after that I met my current boyfriend who I’ve been with for 7 years and am very happy with him till this day. We also have a beautiful one year old daughter together.

I find that even though it was years ago I still have some after effects from the relationship I was in. Making decisions small or big I find that hard sometimes as I once had someone thinking for me so I often doubt myself when really I shouldn’t. I find intimacy hard. If I’m not in the mood I feel anxious before I say no. That’s purely based on how my ex would react if I said no. I find that I’m a people pleaser. I work hard to make everyone happy and go out my way for others, I fear if I don’t then I risk making a mess and being abandoned. It’s a way of me avoiding confrontation as I was in a relationship where I had to walk on egg shells everyday.

What I want people to take away from this is, to recognise the signs of abuse because emotional abuse can be just as harmful as physical abuse. I find some people turn a blind eye to emotional abuse. Just because the victim hasn’t got any visible marks does not mean that they aren’t harmed in any way, as mentally they are wounded. My advice for anyone in the situation I was in is get out. Get out as fast as you can. I’m thankful that I found the strength after 8 months. I know some people who suffer for years so if you find yourself in this position then leave. It was the best thing I ever did.

#a true story #text post #domesticviolence domesticabuse domesticviolenceawareness #emotional abuse #like follow #like4like #follow4follow #no nasty comments please #comment

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inyournightmares97 · 7 years ago

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GOT7 MASTERLIST

This is a masterlist for just GOT7! You can find other groups on my Miscellaneous Masterlist here!

Completed (stories that are fully uploaded! No, there will not be a sequel. Kindly don’t ask.)

Mark

✿ Forever Young: [Fluff, Angst, Female OC!]

“In which Mark recalls old mistakes and how stupid it is to trust Jackson with anything important.”

✿ Firework Series (Mark Ver) : Face: [Fluff, Angst, Female OC!, College!au]

“Yeojung’s high school fling with Mark Tuan meant nothing. She was young and stupid, and they weren’t good together. But life reunites them and they have a chance to explore the mistakes they made in the past.

They say your first love will always have a special place in your heart.”

✿ Thirsty Days Series: (Mark) The Passionate Discourse: [Fluff, Smut, Angst, Female Reader!]

“ A difference of opinion leads to a healthy debate between you and the sexy Professor Mark Tuan… and just maybe, a little something more.”

✿ A Conversation: [Fluff, Female Reader!]

“A strange conversation, with a strange man. At the end of the day, aren’t we all a little strange and lonely on the inside?”

Jaebum

✿ Mine: [Fluff, Angst, Female OC!, Highschool!au]

“ In which Jaebum’s possessive side comes out.”

✿ Firework Series (Jaebum Ver): Dreamin’:[Fluff,Angst, Female OC! Collegeau]

“Park Miran thought that a long-distance relationship with Im Jaebum would work out. They only had to bear with it for a while, until she got her career in place. But when Miran finally comes home to spend New Year with Jaebum, he has something to tell her that she may not like.

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but how much distance can destroy a relationship?

✿ Mafia Series: (Jaebum): The Innocent Criminal Part 2 Part 3 [Angst, Female Reader!, Violence]

“Im Jaebum, the infamous leader of GotSeven has committed murder, stolen money, tortured people and broken all sorts of laws. But most importantly, he destroyed your heart. You once decided never to become a criminal lawyer if it meant defending men like him.

But years later, when it appears that Jaebum is going to be locked away for the one crime he didn’t actually commit, you’re forced to make a decision. Where does one draw the line between innocent and guilty?”

✿ The Leading Lady: [Fluff, Female Reader!, College!au]

“ Im Jaebum wants to make a short film, and you end up as his leading lady.”

✿ Chocolate Eyes [Angst, Female Reader!, Violence]

“You return home to find that the man you once loved has become a violent criminal, your mother is sick and your beloved little brother hates you. It’s hard to decide what is right and wrong. But at the end of day, we’re all just trying to protect the people we love.”

Jackson

✿ Home Run [Fluff, Female OC, Highschool!au]

“In which Jackson Wang is a baseball player and his home run goes crashing through the wrong (or right) window.”

✿ Dawn Of Us [Fluff, Female Reader]

“ In which Jackson surprises you with a tropical vacation.”

✿ Firework Series (Jackson Ver): Out [Fluff, Angst, Female OC, College!au]

“Jackson Wang is a young, rich heir who parties hard and spends money harder. He doesn’t seem to have a care in the world, until the appearance of Lee Haeun forces him to face one of his darkest secrets. Jackson has to deal with his worst fear: that everyone would see right through him.

They say once you reach the top, the only way left to go is down.”

✿ Mafia Series: (Jackson): The Truth Evasion Part 2 [Angst, Fluff, Female Reader!, Violence, Sensitive Subjects]

“Jackson Wang, GotSeven’s ace hitman and local strip club owner, has had his eye on the girl who helps the gang stash away their dirty money for years now. He wants to know why you won’t give him a chance, but you’re fairly certain that Jackson can’t handle the truth of your past.

There are some obstacles that mere sexual attraction and a good fuck aren’t enough to overcome”

✿ Unsolicited Part 2 Part 3 [Fluff, Female Reader!, Adult Subjects]

“ Jackson Wang is a perfect gentleman and he thinks it’s extremely vital that you understand… that is not his penis.”

✿ Love Languages [Fluff, Female Reader]

“Sometimes, it’s hard to understand the person you love.”

Jinyoung

✿ Retrospection Part 2 Part 3 [Fluff, Angst, Female OC, College!au]

“ In which Park Jinyoung had a crush on Jaebum’s girlfriend in high school, and he’s never quite gotten over it.”

✿ Firework Series (Jinyoung Ver): Remember You [Fluff, Angst, Female OC, College!au]

“Park Jinyoung is attracted to smart, mature women, not little girls like Cho Hee who follow him around everywhere. He forgets that every girl blossoms into a woman at some point in her life.

They say changing yourself changes everything.”

✿ Tomorrow, Today Series: Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 [Angst, Fluff, Female Reader! Sensitive Subjects]

“A road trip to your hometown results in a number of unexpected setbacks. Hopes and fears are revealed, while Jinyoung and Jaebum help you understand that life is difficult for everyone, and nobody ever really knows what they’re doing.”

✿ Mafia Series: (Jinyoung) The Friendly Hostage (M) [Fluff, Smut, Female Reader! Also, tumblr banned this so the link takes you to my AFF account]

“ Park Jinyoung is the strategist and a core member of GotSeven, the dangerous gang that practically owns all the other gangs in your locality. When he is kidnapped and you are put in charge of his care, you find that your hostage has other ideas on his mind, and keeping him happy is not easy.”

✿ A Whole New World [Fluff, Female Reader!, Hogwarts!au]

“ Park Jinyoung takes you on an unforgettable ride.”

✿ Thirsty Days Series: (Jinyoung): Unholy (M) [Smut, Angst, Female Reader! Stripper!Jinyoung]

“ You never imagined that one impulsive night with Park Jinyoung could become both the highest and lowest point in your life.”

✿ If I Drink This… [Fluff, Female Reader!, Office!au]

“ In which Park Jinyoung turns out to have more flaws than you originally imagined.”

✿ The Savage King [Angst, Fluff, Female Reader!, Historical!au, Sensitive Subjects]

“The whispers heard through the grapevine say that King Jinyoung is a savage. But perhaps a man who is feared by all, still has many fears of his own.”

✿ The Studded Pants [Fluff, Crack, Female Reader!]

“ You’re a professional photographer, so you’ll work with whatever you have. Even if all you have is Park Jinyoung.”

✿ Unwritten [Fluff, Female!Reader]

“A chance encounter with a stranger on a rainy night shows you that it doesn’t have to matter who you are or what you’ve done until now… your story can always begin today.”

✿ Ultimatum Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 (final) [Angst, Fluff, Female!reader, Office!au]

Park Jinyoung is a master negotiator. He’s used to preying on people’s weaknesses and manipulating them to get his way. So he can’t understand you; a lawyer who sees the world in black and white, as either good or bad. Conflict is inevitable.

But if the two of you can just set aside your differences, perhaps you can perform miracles together

Youngjae

✿ My Reaction [Fluff, Angst, Female OC!]

“ In which Choi Youngjae finds out that the cold, sexy popular girls aren’t always what they seem.”

✿ Firework Series (Youngjae Ver): She’s a Monster [Fluff, Angst, Female OC!, College!au]

“Choi Youngjae falls in love at first sight, with the girl of his dreams. But Lee Iseul doesn’t believe in things like that, nor she does she care much for people who do.

They say timing is the most important thing in love.”

✿ Thirsty Days Series: (Youngjae) The Seventh Wedding [Fluff, Female Reader]

“ It took Choi Youngjae seven weddings to fall in love with you.”

✿ Behind the Laugh [Fluff, Angst, Female Reader]

“ For Youngjae, laughter wasn’t beautiful. That was until the day he saw yours.”

Bambam

✿ No Jam [Fluff, Female OC!, College!au]

“ In which Bambam likes parties, but only when a certain person is around.”

✿ How to Be a Heartbreaker [Angst, Female Reader]

“Four simple rules to follow to break a persons’ heart. Should be easy enough, shouldn’t it? After all, it’s much easier to be a heart-breaker yourself than to have your heart broken.”

✿ Mafia Series: (Bambam) The Selfish Conscience Part 2 [Fluff, Angst, Female Reader, Sensitive Subjects]

“Bambam has always been reckless, impulsive and let his heart guide him instead of his brain. That was how he got involved with the mafia, that was how he rescued you from a human trafficking racket. Despite his vast criminal record and skewed sense of morality, he’s always been clear about one thing:

Keeping the ones you love safe is more important than vague notions of justice or freedom.”

✿ If You’re Handsome [Fluff, Female Reader]

“In which you learn that maybe there’s more to Bambam than just expensive suits and a life of luxury.”

✿ My Baby [Fluff, Female Reader!]

“ Bambam reassures you that no matter how much time passes, you’ll always be his baby.”

Yugyeom

✿ Mafia Series: (Yugyeom): The Rescue Operation [Fluff, Angst, Female Reader]

“Kim Yugyeom is the cute, silly boy who sits next to you in class, the one you’re secretly harboring a crush on. When he and his friend get on the wrong side of some dangerous people, it’s up to you to make sure he gets out alive.”

✿ Why We Need Friends: Prologue, Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 [Fluff, Angst, Female OC!, College!au. Jeon Jungkook and other 97-line idols from different groups feature heavily in this. Yugyeom ends up with the OC but he’s not the main character if that makes sense?]

“ Lee Mirae is Jeon Jungkook’s annoying childhood neighbour; that one girl he just couldn’t shake off no matter how hard he tried. Except when Mirae falls head-over-heels for Jungkook’s only best friend, she implants herself more permanently into his life, and he’s not sure how he feels about that.”

✿ Thursday; [Fluff, Female Reader, College!au]

“Confessing your feelings to the guy you like is easy… right?”

Ongoing/Incomplete (stories that I am currently working on! Kindly don’t ask when I’ll update. When it’s ready I’ll post.)

✿ My Youth: (Jinyoung) Prologue Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 [Angst, Fluff, Female reader!]

“Broken and miserable, Park Jinyoung returns to his hometown to learn that no matter how hard he falls, there are still people who think he’s a hero.”

Drabbles/Reactions (shorter stuff that doesn’t deserve a description or a title because whatever)

✿ GOT7 Reactions Masterlist [A separate Masterlist of reactions written for Got7!]

✿ Drabble Challenge Masterlist [A dialogue drabble prompt list I once did]

✿ ‘LOOK’ Drabble Series: The House Party (1/7) The Bridge (2/7) The Woods (3/7) The Art Gallery (4/7) The Old House (5/7) The Garden (6/7) The Record Store (7/7)

Mark

friendstolovers!au + Mark

sugardaddy!au + Mark

fuckboy!au + Mark

Introvert!reader + Mark

friendswithbenefits!au + Jaebum

soulmate!au +Jaebum

Jaebum

ceo!au + jaebum

Hybrid!au + Jaebum

ArrangedMarriage!au + Jaebum

High School Jock!au + Jaebum

Jinyoung

Prince!au + Jinyoung

Playboy!au + Jinyoung

Yandere!au + Jinyoung

BestFriendstoEnemies!au + Jinyoung

CEO!au + Jinyoung

Bambam

Delinquent!au + Bambam

Carnival Date! + Bambam

Yugyeom

BeachDay!au + Yugyeom (Let Me songfic)

Barista!Yugyeom

Abandoned/Indefinite Hiatus (stories that are unlikely to ever be updated but will stay up because I don’t want to delete them yet. Don’t ask me anything about these stories. At all. Seriously. I will lose my shit.)

✿ Noblesse Oblige Series: (Mark) Felix Culpa (Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4) (Part 5) [Angst, Fluff, Female OC]

Crown Prince Mark never desired to rule. It was too much of a burden, too much effort to make for people who showed such little gratitude. When he is sent to the neighboring kingdom of Castellum, he meets a woman who would sacrifice her life for her kingdom and wonders: what is it that truly motivates men? Is it power? Or love? Perhaps neither.

✿ Antipathy Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9

“ In which Park Jinyoung, a slightly murderous cat hybrid, makes you question everything you thought you knew about yourself.”

#kpop scenarios #got7 masterlist #got7 scenarios #got7 fanfiction #got7 fanfics #got7 drabbles #got7 imagines #got7 fluff #got7 angst #mark tuan #im jaebeom #park jinyoung #jackson wang #choi youngjae #bambam #kim yugyeom

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niigoki · 7 years ago

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TWICE title: we’re a mess (let’s finish what we started) - Chapter 4 pairing: NaMo, MiMo, Saida, JeongMi, 2yeon, Chaeyu Read it on Ao3 or AFF

“If you want to heal, you need to start taking better care of yourself,” Miss Jea was a kind nurse who cared for the well-being of all students, so seeing Sana back at the Nurse’s Office so regularly made her eye the girl with a glint of concern. “It’s the third time this week, Minatozaki.”

“I know. I’m sorry, I’ll do better.” Sana replied automatically, eyes downcast. Miss Jea sighed as she finished wrapping Sana’s wrist with a new bandage – according to her, she had ‘accidentally forgotten about it as she took a bath’ and it got wet. Her wrist had started to hurt after that, so she decided to visit.

Sana seemed exhausted, and it wasn’t just because of assignments and homework, the nurse knew. She was well familiar with the dark circles under students’ eyes, but she’d learned how to differentiate a stressful college life from personal problems.

“This is not a lecture,” Miss Jea touched Sana’s shoulder, and the girl finally looked up at her. “Just a friendly advice.”

The corner of Sana’s lips turned up a little bit. “You’re all so kind.”

“And who is ‘all’?” The nurse smiled back, turning around to put the gauze back in the shelf.

“People in general, I guess.”

“I see,” She hummed. “You know, if you’re having problems, the school has professionals available to help for free, and at any time.”

“I know.”

“And you basically ignored what I just said.”

Sana blinked, and blushed a little. “N-no, I… I know. I will check it out.”

Miss Jea wasn’t convinced in the least, but let it go. “Stay here, I’ll make you some chamomile tea.”

“Huh?”

“It helps with the pain,” She winked, and Sana couldn’t do anything but nod. She watched as the nurse left her little room and then moved back to lie down on the bed. Sana stared at the ceiling, her eyes tired from crying earlier in the morning, and her chest heavy with guilt and other feelings. She was really conflicted – she wanted to be alone, but surrounded by people at the same time. All that she knew was that she didn’t want to be with her thoughts for long.

Miss Jea’s voice was muffled in the other room, but she’d started talking all of a sudden; someone else had probably arrived. Sana sighed softly, then closed her eyes. She heard steps approaching, then halting as soon as they got close enough.

“Sana?”

She sat up immediately, the voice shooting straight to her heart.

“Dahyunnie.”

The two stared at each other, awkwardly, then Miss Jea arrived with the tea. She looked at the scene and raised an eyebrow. “Is everything okay?”

Dahyun blushed, moving to sit on the bed next to Sana. “Y-yeah, I was just surprised to see her here.”

“Oh, you’re friends, then?” Miss Jea asked, giving Sana her cup, then shifting her attention to Dahyun. “That’s good. Stay here, I’ll get your medicine.”

“Are you sick?” Despite the intense feelings surrounding them, Sana couldn’t hide her concern.

“I just have a headache,” Dahyun answered, licking her dry lips. “How about you?”

Sana lifted her wrist. “Had to change my bandages. They got wet.”

“Did you swim with it?”

“No, silly,” Sana smiled a little, always enchanted by Dahyun’s innocence. “It got wet in the shower. It’s no big deal.”

“Oh. Right.” Dahyun returned the grin – she liked when Sana smiled. “The pool is closed, anyway.”

It didn’t make sense, the way they talked as if there wasn’t a crack in the floor threatening to swallow them both at any moment, but that was just how it was with some relationships – natural and warm. Sana’s eyes roamed Dahyun’s cute face and body, and the love she felt for the girl at that moment crawled up her throat and almost escaped to the outside world.

So she sipped her tea, averting her eyes.

“Are you missing class because of your headache?” Sana spoke after a quiet moment.

“No, they’re over for the day.”

“Oh,” Her heart started racing as her stupid feelings overruled everything else – her common sense and the walls she was trying to put up; everything disappeared whenever Dahyun was close to her. “So… you’re free for the rest of the afternoon?”

That surprised Dahyun; she thought that Sana was avoiding her. “Yes…?”

“Do you—” And her brain was screaming ‘stop, this is a bad idea, you’re destroying everything you’ve been trying to build’, but it was useless. “Do you want to hang out?”

Now Dahyun was confused. She had no idea what the hell was Sana’s deal; if she just wanted to mess with her some more, or if there was something she wanted to talk about in private, but it hurt either way. Dahyun was about to refuse, to make up some excuse to leave her, but she didn’t want to. Whatever was going on between the two of them started after that dumb party, and she needed to get to the bottom of things.

Besides, refusing Sana was an impossible task. It’d always been.

“I’d like that.” Dahyun answered finally, a familiar little smile making its way to her features.

“Okay.” Sana sighed internally.

“Okay.” Dahyun replied.

“Okay,” Miss Jea walked in and both girls jumped in their spot. The nurse laughed. “You kids need to lighten up. Here, take this.” She gave Dahyun her medicine and a cup of water. Once she was done drinking, Miss Jea clapped her hands once. “Alright, time for you to leave. Go, go.”

Sana finished her tea and they thanked Miss Jea, chuckling despite everything, then left the office. As soon as they were alone together again, Sana felt her cheeks burn – it was really impressive, the effect Dahyun had on her. No one else in the world made her feel like that by simply existing.

It would be beautiful, if it wasn’t so tragic.

“So… where do you wanna go?” Dahyun asked, scratching the back of her head.

Sana thought for a while, then came up with an idea.

“Follow me.” She started walking, and Dahyun just obeyed. Her gaze fell on Sana’s free hand and she sighed softly.

She wanted to hold it.

Momo loved to dance. It helped her forget the world for a brief moment, her senses numbing as her muscles tensed, allowing her to focus on just one thing: the music. Her silhouette in the mirror always looked powerful, concentrated, engaged; the sweat and messy hair had stopped bothering her a long time ago. It was a fast beat, so she didn’t really have the time to think about what her next move was going to be – she made up things as she went, adjusting the rough parts as she saw fit.

It could be a metaphor, she thought. She wished she could just dance through life and fix things as she went, without worrying too much about the outcome.

Momo’s sneakers slid through the floor noisily, her steps in perfect sync to the beat. That choreography was something she’d been trying to come up with for a while, but she was messing up the chorus. Her leg twisted and she fell, her weight echoing through the practice room. Momo sighed and got up, playing the song from the beginning.

Stepping back, she looked at her reflection in the eyes and was about to start over, when the studio’s glass door moved. She ignored it – Momo wasn’t the only dancer in campus after all – and moved her feet, pacing herself. The numbers appeared in her head as she counted the beat, the world once again vanishing. Then she messed up the chorus again.

“Try to use your right leg instead,” The person who had entered the room spoke up suddenly and Momo almost tripped. Her stare followed the sound and suddenly the illusion broke, bringing her back to reality.

Nayeon always seemed somewhat ethereal in Momo’s eyes; now, after what happened, she looked intangible too.

Momo swallowed dry. “I’d have to invert the whole chorus.”

“Then invert the whole chorus.” Nayeon smiled, but she was tired, Momo could tell.

“It’s not that simple.” Momo was breathing hard now, like the physical extortion had finally caught up to her body. “Muscle memory.”

“Try it once.”

Momo rolled her eyes, then turned back to the mirror. She didn’t want to think about anything else right now, so she tried the suggestion; it felt weird and her movements were crooked, but it was a lot better than what she’d been doing with her left leg. She stopped and looked back at Nayeon, who was grinning smugly.

“Wipe that grin off your face,” Momo said, grabbing her towel soaked in sweat and throwing it at her general direction. Nayeon yelped and got up, and Momo laughed.

There was an awkward silence after a while, Momo’s practice coming to a halt. She moved to grab her water bottle and drank almost all of it in one go. Nayeon watched with her hands behind her back.

This was weird.

“What are you doing here?” Momo asked after swallowing, not really looking at her.

“Recovering,” Nayeon answered. “I wanted to get my mind off things. Thought I’d dance for a bit. I didn’t know you were here.”

Momo blinked. “Oh. Feel free to pick a song,” She passed Nayeon her cellphone already set to her dancing playlist. When she grabbed it, their fingers brushed, and Momo wished her heart wouldn’t race like it did.

Nayeon chose a slower song, but with enough of a beat to dance to. Momo sat back down and watched the girl stretch, the lump in her throat still there.

The emotions inside her heart at that moment were confusing and contrasting with each other, making it really hard for her to pick a feeling. She wished she could feel simply angry or simply sad, without happiness and giddiness attached to them at the same time. It exhausted her.

Momo wondered which one of them would bring up the elephant in the room; she hated that she didn’t want to be the one.

The actress finally started moving, first her hips, then her shoulders; one step forward and one back, sliding a bit across the room. She tried to spin, but got caught in the middle, then placed her left foot back again. It was clear that she was struggling with her positions and even the timing, lost like an amateur – which she wasn’t. Her musicals were filled with choreographies, and Nayeon was used to memorizing dances for performances.

That’s when Momo realized that she wasn’t having problems with the dance in particular; she just didn’t know how to create a choreography from scratch. She never had.

Nayeon was moving so awkwardly that Momo let out a breathless laugh. She stopped. “Don’t mock me, I’m not used to this.”

“It’s apparent,” Momo smirked, getting up and walking up to her. “You need to spread your legs more, you’re losing balance like that.”

Nayeon wanted to make a joke about that sentence, but thought that it wasn’t the best time. She just followed Momo’s lead, her legs apart and her arms by her side, not knowing what to do. “Like this?”

Momo watched her, then suddenly placed a hand on her stomach. Nayeon froze, her heart shooting through her throat, but her face impassive as usual. “Straighten your back. Breathe in, hold it.”

“Yes, coach.” Nayeon replied with a tiny smile, doing what she was told. Momo stepped back, finally satisfied.

“Whenever you move, just try to place your whole foot on the ground,” She mimicked Nayeon’s posture, and moved one leg. Nayeon did the same by her side, following the slow instructions. “Yeah, like that.”

They practiced a few basic movements together, but Nayeon’s upper body was still crooked. Momo sighed playfully, now pressing a hand to the small of her back. “Stop curving your back.”

“It’s hard!”

“Practice makes perfect.”

“Fine,” Nayeon got in position again. “What do I do with my arms, then?”

Momo pondered for a bit, tilting her head to the side. She reached out and grabbed Nayeon’s arms from behind, pushing them forward.

Nayeon could feel the girl’s breath on the back of her neck and blinked repeatedly – the sweat forming on her skin definitely wasn’t because of the dance. “Never leave them swinging around. Try to create a routine with them, like pushing forward, putting them up, rotating them in some direction.”

“That’s looking more and more complicated with each passing minute.”

“I’m trying to help you not look like a fumbling preschooler, Nabongs.”

The way Momo said her nickname always got to her. She felt the weight of guilt spreading through her body once again, but tried her best to distract herself from it. Nayeon tried a few different poses for her arms, but nothing looked convincing enough. Momo laughed, still behind her, and reached for her elbows once again. Her touch sent a spark through Nayeon’s body – it was gentle and careful, like always.

Nayeon absolutely loved the way Momo touched her. She craved it, and hated herself for it.

“Up, and down,” Momo murmured lowly on her ear, guiding Nayeon’s movements. Her skin tingled and she wanted to press her back to Momo’s front, and feel the warmth of that girl who had so much love to give. “That’s good.”

Nayeon swallowed and turned around to face her. They were close, Momo finally realized. She was about to step back when, “Dance with me.”

Momo blinked. “Huh?”

“The song I was dancing to. Guide me.”

It was a terrible idea.

“Okay.”

Momo couldn’t fight it; she’d been lost in Nayeon’s gravity for way too long.

The beat started again and both girls faced each other; it was really hard to pretend everything was fine, but they had to. Nayeon and Momo had danced together before, more times than they could possibly count – they loved it.

Nayeon held Momo’s arms and they moved in sync, Momo guiding her steps; Nayeon was a good follower, always had been. They weren’t looking at each other’s eyes, Nayeon using the excuse of staring at Momo’s feet to check where she would step next. They were easy, simple movements that flowed well, like they usually did; for a moment, Nayeon enjoyed the feeling of being close.

At the chorus, Momo twirled Nayeon around so her arms enveloped her from behind. Nayeon couldn’t help but to let out a laugh, Momo joining her. Their hips moved together sensually, fitting together like they belonged, and Nayeon let her head fall back and closed her eyes, her cheek grazing the other girl’s. They moved like this for a while, comfortably, and none of them wanted to let the other go. Momo almost shifted her face to plant a small kiss on Nayeon’s cheek.

It was messy.

Her heart still hurt.

Momo touched her forehead on the back of Nayeon’s shoulder.

“Hmm?”

“The party yesterday.” Was all Momo murmured; it was funny, how she wanted to be holding Nayeon when the time for this conversation finally came.

“Oh,” Nayeon bit her lip – the fact that she was still alive even after biting her lips for so long was truly a mystery. She was sure the poison would’ve killed her by now. “I didn’t see you there.”

“Yeah… I figured.”

“But then again,” She was glad Momo was holding her, or else she wouldn’t be able to keep herself up after this. “I didn’t see anyone. I can’t remember a single thing that happened yesterday.”

Momo lifted her head up, stopping the dance completely. “What?”

“I blacked out,” I hate this. “My friends at the Drama Club threw me a celebration before the party. We had a drinking contest, and I don’t know what happened after that.” I hate this.

“So you… don’t remember anything?”

“Pathetic, right?” Nayeon chuckled, wriggling herself out of Momo’s hold. She didn’t deserve to be in her arms. “I woke up in Jeongyeon’s room. She told me she took care of me the whole night. She mentioned something about me grabbing the microphone and yelling at everyone. Honestly, I’m glad I can’t recall this part.”

Momo was stunned. If Nayeon didn’t even remember that, she surely didn’t recall the kiss. Unless Jeongyeon told her about it.

“Did… did Jeong tell you anything else?”

“Just that she looked after me,” Nayeon could basically see the gears moving inside Momo’s head; she was wondering if Jeongyeon had told her about the kiss. “But nothing more.”

“Oh, okay.” A lot of different emotions crossed Momo’s face: confusion, relief, guilt, anger. She couldn’t believe that Jeongyeon had lied to Nayeon like this, it didn’t make her style. It was something important, it was her ex-girlfriend. Momo was angry. Extremely so.

But she was also a hypocrite.

Because she wasn’t going to tell Nayeon either.

“Is everything okay?” Nayeon asked, frowning.

“Y-yeah. Yeah.” Momo needed to get out of that room. “I think I’m all danced out. I’ll go take a shower.”

“Alright,” Nayeon nodded, forcing a smile. “Thank you for the lesson, Moguri.”

I don’t deserve to call her that.

“No problem.” Momo grabbed her bag, barely looking at her. “See you.”

She left in a hurry and Nayeon finally allowed herself to breathe, touching her back on the nearest wall. Her lies were getting worse, and the way her body dealt with them too. She felt like she was about to pass out at any moment, but bit her lip until it bled; it kept her awake. Nayeon’s breathing quickened and it felt a lot like hyperventilation. She slid down to the floor and put a hand on her chest, closing her eyes.

Just breathe. Slowly.

Panic invaded her every pore, but she couldn’t afford to call for help. In a way, Nayeon felt like she deserved this.

Count to three, hold it in. Then breathe out.

It took over five minutes for her to regain her regular breathing. She opened her eyes once she was sure she wouldn’t faint, then swallowed hard. Getting up was going to be a chore. Nayeon turned her head to the big mirror, staring at her reflection.

She looked absolutely exhausted.

“You’re loving this, aren’t you?” She asked the mirror.

“Yes,” The reflection replied. “If they’re suffering, you deserve ten times that.”

The universe didn’t stop and waited for Jeongyeon to collect her thoughts and feelings after Nayeon left in the morning – she did still have an exam to do. Looking at the paper in front of her was difficult, especially because it was heavily loaded with text – of all subjects, it had to be Literature. Jeongyeon learned that it was really hard to concentrate on anything when the entire world was weighting down on her shoulders.

She should’ve mentioned the kiss. That was the only thing running through her mind the whole day.

Jeongyeon couldn’t understand why she’d even done it in the first place. There’d been nothing going on between them for years, and she thought they were past the whole drama.

They had history.

Backtrack.

In high school, Yoo Jeongyeon had always been kind of a jack of all trades: athletic, yet nerdy. She did well in sports, particularly basketball, but that didn’t mean her life revolved around it. Jeongyeon preferred to discuss movies, TV series, and occasionally, Japanese cartoons.

Unfortunately, her athletic life made it impossible for her to find people with tastes in common – for some reason, none of the girls in her team were interested in comics or Tarantino movies. So Jeongyeon had felt pretty much isolated for a good part of her high school years.

Then some girls a few grades lower showed up. Jeongyeon had heard them talking about Fullmetal Alchemist one day and couldn’t help but to join. They’d become friends immediately.

The way Nayeon fits into this whole story is a bit embarrassing now that Jeongyeon thinks about it.

The girl had showed up out of nowhere; quite literally. Jeongyeon had bumped into her in the middle of the cafeteria, then her instincts kicked in: she threw herself on the floor to break the girl’s fall.

It was poetic at the time – perhaps it’d been dumb.

The girl had gotten up quickly and asked if Jeongyeon was okay with such panic and concern in her voice, that it’d been sweet.

And maybe it was cliché, but Jeongyeon had fallen at first sight. Nayeon was beautiful.

She still is.

Nayeon and Jihyo joined their group of friends after that, perhaps with a sense of obligation at first, but soon they were having sleepovers like they’d known each other since birth. Finally getting to know Nayeon’s true personality, Jeongyeon just fell for her more. At some point in the middle of the semester, Jeongyeon confessed.

It turned out, Nayeon was also crushing on her. Then they got together.

It didn’t really last.

When they broke up, things had ended smoothly and without sour feelings on neither side. They still loved each other, enough to know that what they had wasn’t going to work, because of a simple reason: their love was scattered.

Nayeon and Jeongyeon cared for their friends more than they cared about each other individually. If it’d kept going, one of them would get hurt, and that was the last thing they wanted.

So, they’d decided to end things on a positive note. The group was shocked at the news, but accepted that it was the couple’s choice to make. Things were a bit awkward for a while, -- maybe Jeongyeon did want to kiss her once in a while, and maybe sometimes Nayeon stared at her with an intensity that they were both familiar with – but eventually everything came back to normal.

That was what Jeongyeon had thought, anyway. An inebriated Im Nayeon apparently had other ideas.

They had history.

Shaking her head, the athlete focused once more on her exam. It was pointless to think about this now.

After a few hours, the bell rang, and it was finally over.

Jeongyeon sighed as the other students got up to turn the papers in, and eventually did the same. Miss Sunmi smiled at her, remembering their extra class.

“You think you did well?”

“Hopefully,” Jeongyeon smiled back, nervously. “Help me out?”

“I’ll think about it.” The teacher was fun to be around. She patted her shoulder, and Jeongyeon chuckled, turning around to leave. At least one of her problems was solved.

“Hey, Jeong!” Someone yelled as soon as she set foot outside the classroom and she turned around, coming face to face with a friend from her Film Production class.

“Sup, Jae.”

“Here,” The boy simply handed her a heavy camera, breathless, and then its case. “The tripod is in the bag. There are a few spare lenses too, and you can get more memory cards back at the faculty office, if you need them.”

Jeongyeon stared at him with an eyebrow raised, but no answers came. Jae blinked back, then tilted his head. “What?”

“What’s this for?”

“What do you mean what’s it for?” He frowned. “For the panoramic shots for your short film assignment. You know how much better this camera is for that kind of thing, and I’m done with mine, so… I figured you could use it to add the final touches to yours.”

She almost let the expensive equipment fall. “Shit.”

Her freaking short film.

“…What?” Jae asked slowly.

“When’s this due?”

“Next week…?”

Jeongyeon gently placed the camera on the floor, then ran her hands through her hair. “Shit, fuck.”

Jae’s face became pale. “You… You’re joking, right? You told me you were writing the script three weeks ago!”

“I did! I just didn’t—” She buried her face in her hands, grunting. “The script is done, I just need to film the goddamn thing.”

“You didn’t film anything?!” He almost yelled, catching a few people’s attention. Calming down, he lowered his voice. “Jeongyeon, this thing’s worth half your grade.”

“I know!” She was honestly about to have a mental breakdown, but she had to get a grip. Taking a deep breath, Jeongyeon straightened her back, the logistics of this assignment floating through her head at a thousand miles per hour. “I’ll… I’ll manage. I have a week, right? I can film a few scenes in a week.”

“And edit it.”

“Yes, thank you for reminding me.”

She picked up the equipment again and Jae shook his head, sighing helplessly. “Do you need any help? I just need to edit mine, it shouldn’t take more than a couple of days.”

“Nah, I got this. Really.” It felt like another brick had been added to her pile of stressful and confusing problems, but she didn’t want to drag the poor boy with her. “Thank you for the camera, you saved my butt.”

“Albeit unknowingly,” He smiled gently. “I’ll see you. Really, call me if you need anything.”

“I will. Thanks, man.” They high-fived, and Jeongyeon left, exhaustion taking over her body. How could she have forgotten completely about filming an entire short film?

Oh, right. Drama.

She was lucky past-Jeongyeon was feeling productive and had finished the script already. Concentrating, she dug out the story inside her brain, trying to remember what exactly she needed to film in seven days.

She remembered naming her movie ‘Fragile Elegance’, and the idea was quite simple: lots of contrasting scenes, using soft materials to give the viewers an impression of the main character’s personality without having her say anything – it was going to be a silent movie, entirely based on the theme of a powerful fragility.

Jeongyeon just needed an actress.

And like thunder, the perfect person illuminated her mind. She placed the equipment back on the floor and grabbed her phone. She was going to call her, but froze, the guilt of her lie present once again. For some reason, she felt anxious about hearing her voice at that moment – she still needed some time to process everything. So, she texted.

[Jeongyeon, 11:33am]:

Hey! How are things?

I won’t bother you too much

Listen, could we meet after lunch? I need a huge favor

I promise not to force you if you don’t want to do it, I just wanted to ask

It took almost an hour, but the reply came.

[Mina Mina Minari, 12:20am]:

Okay.

Where?

Walking through the campus’ courtyard was one of Sana’s favorite hobbies. The place was huge, covered in flowers and trees where students could sit under and enjoy nature. Sana considered herself free-spirited and in touch with the environment around her, so she could almost always be found outside, studying to the sound of birds and feeling the grass under her bare feet.

There was one place, however, that was her favorite. On the very back of the field, there was a fountain, always working and fresh. Sana liked to sit by it, admiring the flowers and feeling the warmth of the sun on her skin.

That was where she took Dahyun.

“Watch out, the fountain malfunctions sometimes,” Sana warned her friend nonchalantly, hands behind her back. “It might spray some water on you.”

“You should be careful with your wrist, then.” Dahyun replied, squinting her eyes at the sunlight. Sana looked back at her with a smile, but didn’t say anything.

They walked around the fountain for a little bit, and Dahyun wondered if the girl had a plan, or if she was just breathing some fresh air. She chewed on her lip, aching to ask her about the weird mood between them lately, but too afraid to do so.

“Have you picked your major yet?” Sana asked after a while.

“Not yet,” Dahyun replied with a small sigh. She’d been undecided for a long time now, and the time to choose was approaching. “I’ll probably go to the Arts department with Chaengie, but it’s too hard to pick one thing… everything looks fun.”

Sana turned her body to her, now walking backwards. “You’re still the same as you were in high school.”

“What does that mean?”

“You’re always looking at the bright side of things,” Her smile was sincere. “Most of my friends on their first year were undecided because they thought everything was hard.”

Dahyun blinked as Sana turned around. “Well, yeah, but isn’t that what makes it fun? Having it easy would just be boring.”

That way of viewing the world – that was the first thing that made Sana fall in love with her. Then she fell for everything else, too. Her heart was screaming for her to say it out loud, with every possible word in the dictionary, just how much she admired Dahyun, but—

“You’re right.” Was all she replied, instead.

They stood in silence again and Dahyun felt the shift in the mood. Everything was so on edge.

She couldn’t understand what was happening.

“Say, which flower do you like the most?” Sana spoke up suddenly.

“Uhh… roses?” Dahyun blinked. “I don’t know much about flowers, really.”

“They’re so pretty, though…” Sana looked around, searching for something, then let out a content yelp when she found it. “Look, over here! This one suits you.”

She crouched on the flower field and picked up a daisy, white and small. Then she walked back to Dahyun, placing it behind her ear, gently. Dahyun averted her eyes and blushed, not really knowing how to react to the gesture. She felt Sana’s hand lingering on her hair for a second too long, but didn’t want to meet the girl’s stare – she was afraid she’d break if she did.

“Yep. It suits you.” Sana’s voice was heavy with something, but Dahyun wasn’t able to discern. She felt her heart sink at the thought – usually reading Sana wasn’t that hard.

“What flower do you like, then?” Dahyun asked, to keep the conversation going.

“Me?” Sana looked up thoughtfully, a silly and bright aura enveloping her like it usually did, but Dahyun could tell that it wasn’t honest. “There’s a flower called anemone. I like the purple ones.”

“Do they have it here?”

She turned around and searched for a bit. “Hmm… I can’t see it. It’s not a common flower, I think.”

Dahyun nodded awkwardly and they started walking again. Sana was always two steps ahead, never walking by her side, and Dahyun was bothered by it. Everything about this was off, and she felt like she was being crushed by an invisible pressure. Her easy and simple relationship with the person she cared for the most had suddenly turned into this hostile and unknown territory, and Dahyun had no idea what even prompted it.

She honestly wanted to cry.

A sudden wave of emotions rose up to her chest and she opened her mouth. “Sana—”

“I love this kind of weather!” Sana interrupted, stretching her arms. “No offense, but cloudy weather can bite me.”

Dahyun didn’t know how to reply.

“What have you been watching lately, Dahyunnie?” Another change of subject.

“I— Uh, I’ve not been watching anything.”

“Oh, let me add some things to your Netflix later. There’s this really good series…” Sana’s voice panned out as a flood of feelings came crashing down. Dahyun knew what Sana was doing – it was what she usually did whenever she was upset but didn’t want anyone to know about it.

Fitting the most topics you could manage in one single conversation? Sana had learned this from Dahyun.

She was tired.

“Sana, stop.”

The girl paused, turning around with a questioning look. “Yeah? Oh! We’ve been walking around for a while. Let’s sit down, there’s a bench next to the—”

“What is going on?”

Sana’s smile froze. “What do you mean?”

Dahyun stepped forward, trying to get into her personal space, but Sana took one step back. “This. This is what I mean. You’re avoiding me.”

“N-no, I’m not—”

“Then just… be still for a second!” Dahyun said louder, fists clenched by her side. “Let me get close to you, dammit!”

This time Sana’s grin dropped. She didn’t move again, and when Dahyun tried once more, she finally got her. Their bodies were close, and this was familiar, and the younger girl had missed it so much. She looked down at Sana’s broken wrist and took her bandaged hand, lifting it up gently. “Am I hurting you?”

“…No.” They were both murmuring.

“How long does it take? To heal.”

Everything had suddenly become tender, and Sana wanted to cup Dahyun’s chubby cheeks and feel her skin under her fingertips.

“Months. Lots of months,” She smiled, but it was forced. “But I keep breaking, so… who knows how long it’ll take.” Then she stopped. “It. I keep breaking it.”

Her slip up wasn’t missed.

Dahyun looked up and the distance between them was minimal. She felt Sana’s panic immediately, like the girl wanted to pull back, but didn’t want to hurt her at the same time. Dahyun just wanted to understand what had made her so scared of physical contact all of a sudden.

More specifically, hers.

“Well, I guess it doesn’t matter how long it takes.” She let go of Sana’s wrist and stepped back, a soft smile gracing her features. “I’ll wait for it to get better.”

Sana felt the tears prickling her eyes.

“And you know, even if it keeps breaking,” Dahyun could see Sana’s watery eyes. “There will always be people to change your bandages for you. Just… don’t try to do it alone.” Her smile turned playful. “You’re really clumsy.”

Sana let out a broken chuckle, but this time, it was finally sincere. She sniffed subtly, and suddenly wrapped her good arm around Dahyun, burying her face on the girl’s neck. Dahyun returned the hug, closing her eyes and smelling the familiar scent of this woman that she admired so much. Things weren’t back to normal yet, she knew, but perhaps this was a step on the right direction. Maybe Sana would be willing to open up soon.

“What do you mean you’ll wait for it to get better?” Sana whispered against her skin, her voice muffled. “What do you wanna do with my wrist, Kim Dahyunnie?”

Dahyun laughed really loudly at that, but answered anyway. “Maybe I just miss holding your hand.”

Sana pulled back. “I have another hand.”

Dahyun looked at her fondly, smiling with her eyes. “Oh, yeah. Forgot about that.”

The way Sana’s eyes were shining made every bone in Dahyun’s body melt. Without another word, Sana let her good hand slide down through Dahyun’s arm, making her skin tingle in the process, then interlocked their fingers.

Why did I want to hurt her so badly?

They walked back to the main building like this. Dahyun felt the happiest she’d been in ages.

There was a reason.

As soon as they stepped inside, Sana felt the stares of people on her back.

Oh.

People she’d slept with, people she’d made out with – she couldn’t run away from them. Everyone on campus knew her reputation.

That’s right.

And for them, Dahyun was just her prey for the week.

I’m still a filthy slut.

She let go of her hand.

If I hurt her enough, maybe she’ll finally stay away from me.

“Dahyunnie, I need to go. Thank you for hanging out with me today.” Her walls were back up.

Dahyun blinked, surprised. “Oh… alright. Um, I’ll see you later?”

“Of course.” Liar. “I’ll let you know when I’m free.” Liar.

And without another word, Sana left.

Self-hatred, Sana realized, was more powerful than love.

#twice #kpop #mimo #2yeon #jeongmi #saida #chaeyu #namo #my fic

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