#i hadn't really worked with them before this year but ive been using them a bunch in one of my classes and loved it

[catgirlneomatrix]

Idk what to caption this. reference image below cut

[bjornswoman]

Destruction XII

Author's note: Hello, happy New Year to you all! Sorry for being too late to post the last part of these series. However, here it is I hope you will enjoy it!

Pairing: Modern!Ivar x Reader.

Genre: Modern!au, series, fluff, drama, angst.

Warnings: Strong language, mentions of pregnancy.

Destruction | Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | Part VI | Part VII | Part VIII | Part IX | Part X | Part XI

A couple of months later.

You had forgotten the sound of your own giggle the past year. However, those two last months were enough to prove you wrong and remind you that you still contained the ability to feel happy and laugh — finally.

“You can’t be serious!” You exclaimed laughing at your friend Torvi. There had been a long time since you last met each other. Actually, the last time you saw her was before your wedding.

A wedding that never really happened because Ivar decided to take you away. He had confessed that he loved you that same day as well. You could recollect the memory as it was yesterday.

Flashback – Two months ago.

“It’s not what you believe, (Y/N). It wasn’t just revenge for me. You mean a lot to me. You know I am just not good at saying those things and you, also, know that I can be dickhead sometimes. Don’t cry for me. I - I care for you.”

Ivar had said and kissed you like his life was depending on this kiss – like both of your life were depending on this kiss.

“Don’t get married, you don’t deserve being treated like that. Dump that asshole.”

You needed to hear these words back then – you needed a motive to stop that madness. After all, you didn’t love Mason, but Ivar.

You didn’t treat Mason right, so leaving him before this mistake would be the only thing you would do to save him from being miserable next to you – because of you.

“I won’t, Ivar.”

“You are mine.”

“I am yours.”

End of flashback.

“Oh, I’m and that’s not even the end of it.” Torvi continued speaking and got you out of your thoughts about that particular day. “Your mother was about to kill Hvitserk when he announced that Ivar had stolen you – those were the exact words he used.” She laughed. "Besides you know the love your mother contains for Hvitserk." You both laughed at her remark.

It was well-known that your mother loathed the sons of Ragnar – especially Hvitserk. She would call him peccant or sinful. Generally, she would criticize his way of living. Not that Ivar was her favourite brother though, but Hvitserk worked as a red flag for her.

You could picture your mother's face after hearing Hvitserk announcing that the wedding was over because you run away with his brother. You were sure long before Torvi told you about the events of that evening that she was furious – that was the main reason you hadn't even tried to contact her since then.

"What about Mason?" You hesitated to say his name after the way you treated him, though he wasn't honest to you either – as he lied to you about the events of the past and blamed Ivar about his doing.

Anyways, you felt guilt of your own lies, because you acted the very same way you accused Ivar of when you walked away on him.

"Oh well, I heard that he is fine though he and the boys are distant after what happened. He blames them for helping Ivar. Anyways, Ubbe told me that Ivar mentioned that he is after Freydis again."

You could understand the way Mason felt, but you couldn't focus on this after some names were mentioned successively.

"Ivar?" You muttered before you could stop yourself.

"Yes, Freydis told him."

You felt jealous once again about the same thing – you were back to the beginning of this messed up story. You felt weird after everything that happened the last two months in contrast with what Torvi just told you. Maybe you were just overreact, but still you couldn't bear lose again.

Maybe your love wasn't the healthiest one , but it was strong enough to swallow you if he hurt you like he did previously.

"Don't tell me you are jealous." Torvi said smiling after receiving no response from you.

"I'm not jealous of her." You fought back and she chuckled. It was too obvious that you were lying.

"You didn't really tell me what happened with Ivar after you left." She mentioned and you smiled at the memory.

Flashback – Two months ago.

Your heart was full after a very long time it felt half without him. You felt happy again being close to the person who you loved the most. Probably this wasn't the best way to come back together – not even close to be honest – but what was worth it for you was the fact that you were sitting on the passenger's seat of his car and he was on the driver's seat taking you away somewhere that only he knew.

Nobody spoke a word though – an awkward silence was surrounding the car. You didn't know what to say – you didn't know whether you had to say something or not. You knew Ivar by heart and yet you couldn't predict what was inside his head. You knew when he was mad, happy or sad, but you couldn't say what was bothering him.

"Ivar." You breathed and turned your eyes at his figure. "Do-do you love me?" Your voice was barely coming out as a whisper. It was a silly question to ask – even after he crashed your wedding and told you that he cared for you – you wanted to hear him saying this particular word. You hadn't heard him saying it – at least not to you.

"What kind of question is that? Didn't I told that I care for you less than an hour ago?" You could say by hearing the tone of his raised voice that he was getting annoyed by your question. You were aware of the fact that he wasn't good with words – especially this kind of words, but you wanted to hear him saying just for once.

"Why is it so difficult for you to say it again? Tell me, do you love me, Ivar?" You raised your voice out of frustration. You couldn't understand the reason why it had to be that hard for him to tell you about his feelings.

The possibility that he didn't feel that way came in your mind. Maybe he was just possessive when it came to you or it could be obsession the feeling he contained for you. Those could be the actual reasons why he couldn't express his love fore and that would be because it was non-existent.

"Yes!" Ivar yelled with obvious anger at you and hit his hands on the wheel.

"Yes, what?" You pressured him more as you were angry and disappointed at the time because of his inability to express himself to you – the person he was supposed to love.

Ivar hit the brake pedal so forcefully that if you weren't wearing the seatbelt you would be out of the car when it stopped. You turned your face at him and he had already focused his furious blue eyes on you.

"No, Ivar, you don't." With those last words you stormed out of his car and started walking at the opposite way from the one he was driving on. Though, you didn't get to make it far away because his hand grabbed yours tightly and forced you to turn back and face his wrath.

"What do you think you are doing? And what the Hel are you saying?" He growled on your face as you were trying to break-free from his grip to no avail.

You breathed heavily and looked his angry face.

"All you feel about me is some kind of authority and possessiveness as I'm one of your belongings." You spoke and motioned on your hand he was holding firmly. "The worst part of it is that it isn't even new to me to get this treatment from you. You don't love me, because you don't know how to and that's due to the fact that you feel that you don't deserve the love the others are trying to give you. The only thing you know how to do is hurting these people with your childish behaviour." You continued telling him with tears falling from your eyes – tears that you wiped away with your free hand.

Ivar was looking you without speaking, he was just looking at you quite shocked. Behind his anger you could spot guilt and redeem. He knew himself that you were right and that was the most painful part for both of you.

"The next one who will come in your life and try to give you the love you deserve let her." After these words, more tears threatened to fall from your eyes. You grabbed your gown on the palms of both of your hands and took a couple of tiny steps believing that Ivar would let you walk away from him – from his life.

However, such a thing didn't happen because he used the hand of yours he was gripping and pulled back – this time he held you closer to him your bodies were touching. You tried to fight back again, but he was too strong for you in such way that when he pulled you the lacework of your dress was ripped.

This time he even stopped holding your hand and he went for your throat. His grip was as tight or strong as it was on your hand, but it was firm enough to pull your face closer to his.

"Too late for that." Ivar said in raspy voice. "There is someone who has already made my heart beat for her – who have made me feel all of the things you've said before. I didn't know how it felt to be truly loved by somebody because of the problem I faced. I thought everyone pitied me – the poor cripple – until you came. You saw me what love really means – what it is – and I sent you away. When our paths crossed again, I thought that all I felt for you was just lust or possessiveness for a woman who used to be my partner. However, I got hold of my feelings – of my true feelings – after our first kiss in the bowling alley, when I called you to come to that bar to tell you about my conflict with Mason and after we got drunk and went to my house and slept together, remember? In fact, all this was just an excuse because I wanted to see you."

When he finished, Ivar let go off you throat and one of his hands touched your arm as the other when on one of his pockets. His touch was really genuine on your hand.

"I remember." You mumbled and smiled as you remembered that particular night you spent together.

"You want me to tell you that I love you, but you know that I'm difficult with words. Though, for you, I'll say it, but before I have to do something else." Ivar stopped and afterwards his hand got out of his pocket holding a red-whine velvet box.

You looked first at the box shocked and then at Ivar.

"Ivar, you don't have to do that just to prove your words to me." You tried to say, but he stopped you by taking your hand in his, after he opened the small box. As you expected, it contained a ring, but it was not just a random ring he picked. It was the ring you had told him years ago that you wanted to be the one you would be proposed with. It was a unique design which you couldn't find easily, but he did for you.

"I love you." Ivar finally confessed and you could even spot a tear on his cheek. His forehead touched your own as he eyes found yours. "Will you marry me, (Y/N) (Y/L/N)?" He asked and you smiled widely.

At the sound of his words, you felt your heart hitting your chest with just force that it was going to rip out of your body.

"Yes! Yes, I will marry you, Ivar Lothbrok!" You exclaimed and kissed him passionately. This kiss wasn't like anything you had experienced. It was different from any other you had shared. One that both of you were expressing within it your deepest feelings about the other person.

When you stopped, Ivar pulled you closer to him again and placed the ring on your finger.

End of flashback.

After that moment that you would never forget about, you spent two months away from everyone you knew. It was just the two of you in the middle of nowhere. However, you had to return back in Kattegat to face the real life and what came after the decisions you made.

Ivar's family welcomed you back and they were glad to hear about your engagement – though they could see it coming. They knew better that you two about the feelings you shared.

So, there you were, talking with Torvi about the days that came after your almost-wedding with Mason.

Torvi looked at you with narrowed eyes and a huge smile on her face.

"And after this you are still jealous? You are crazy girl!" Torvi exclaimed and both of you laughed again. "No, I am being serious now." She said and you both burst into laughter again. "No, seriously now you are getting married with the love of your life!" You smiled and looked back at your feet.

"And that's not even the end of it."

"What do you mean?" Your friend asked confused and your smile became even more wider than it was already. "(Y/N)?" She asked you again anxiously this time.

As an answer, your hand moved on your stomach and you caressed it meaningful. In Torvi's face formed a smile identical to yours.

"Don't tell me that you...." She exclaimed and you tried to prevent her from let everyone know about your little secret.

"Shhhh, I am, but Ivar doesn't know yet. I am going to tell him tonight and then we are sharing it with the others. Keep it for me, okay?" You spoke on a soft tone of voice and Torvi agreed happily before she congratulated you about your pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Later that night.

The night sky was very beautiful – enchanting you could even say. But that wasn't the best part of the night, that part would be the fact that you were sitting next to your fiancé, trying to find the best way of telling him that you were expecting his child as he was engrossed in with laptop with work matters. You were away for so long and matters had piled up.

"Ivar, when do you think that we should get married?" You asked him out of the blue as you stood up and walked through the balcony. Ivar glanced at you for a quick second and then turned his attention back on his laptop.

"I don't know, but we should not rush. In three to four months, what do you think?" He proposed without looking at you and you smiled, because this conversation was taking the way you wanted.

"That won't be convenient. I think that it should happen in one or two months." You continued.

"Why so?"

"I'll have gained weight. I won't feet in any dress."

Your words caught him off guard. He abandoned the computer on the coffee-table and fixed his eyes on you confused.

"What do you mean?" Ivar asked as the edges of his mouth lifted and left the sofa to come closer to you. He stopped on when his body was behind yours.

"What do you want me to mean?"

"Don't riddle me, (Y/N)." His voice was stern and you couldn't help your little smirk. "Are you pregnant?" He asked as his body collided with yours and his muscular hands hugged your torso and stayed on your stomach. Your back was touching on his chest, so you couldn't see his facial expressions. "Tell me." He demanded impatiently and you smiled.

You knew how much he wanted a child – a daughter or a son. You were also aware of the fact that he was delighted when Freydis had told him that she was pregnant in the past and thought it was his child when it wasn't.

"Yes, Ivar." You whispered and tilted your head at the side to catch a glimpse of his reaction to your news. What you saw was a tear slipping from his eye and you smiled again. "Are you happy?"

"No." Your blood froze in your veins and your smile died on your lips. You turned so you could face him. "No, I am not just happy. I'm thrilled!" He exclaimed and you felt your heart beating normally in your chest again.

His hands closed you inside them and one of them caressed your hair softly.

"I love you, wife."

You giggled when you heard him calling you wife.

"I love you, husband."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The End ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tag list: @not-another-viking-fanfic-blog, @anotherfan07, @heavenly1927, @zvacu-te-pile-moje

[x0x0josephinex0x0]

hi baby! im sure ure flooded with requests but ive been feeling really insecure ab my hip dips n stretch marks lately n ur writing really comforts me... so i was wondering if u could write smt ab dokyeom or anyone u want rlly! finding reader feeling bad ab their hip dips and stretchmarks and he comforts them? totally ur choice love u! ❤

oh girl i have had the WORLDS WORST body image week ever so this request hits difffffffffffffferent. i'm so happy to do that -- for both of us. warnings: female reader, body image issues are a major theme, descriptions of physical insecurities of the reader, mention of a doctor visit, and possibly a bit angsty with a happy ending

this is:

No Less a Goddess

"can i come to the gym with you?" you ask shyly, peeking around the corner at your boyfriend, who is changing into his shorts and tee to work out.

"huh?" seokmin asks, whirling to look at you with his arms in the sleeves of his shirt, having been interrupted in pulling it over his head. "you've never asked before! i'd love to have you come along!"

"what do i wear?" you ask, unable to keep from smiling at his enthusiasm.

"anything you want!" he says. "just make sure it's easy to move in."

about fifteen minutes later, the two of you are walking down the stairs to the gym in your shared apartment complex, hand in hand. seokmin's sunny smile and idle chatter is almost enough to distract you from the growing knot of discomfort in your stomach.

sure enough, the second you walk in, you notice a woman running on the treadmill. her short shorts and sports bra are stylishly coordinated, at a stark contrast to your ratty gray sweatpants and ugly oversized tee. her legs are muscular, and you can't see a single ounce of fat on her. you swallow hard and try to pay attention to seokmin instead, who is excitedly showing you around. "and this is where i painstakingly grew the arms you have come to know and love," he's saying, pointing at the barbells. "you should say thank you."

"i appreciate your service," you say with a small salute, and seokmin chuckles.

"so, what are your fitness goals?" seokmin asks, shrugging off his jacket.

you have to appreciate how the gray tee hugs the contours of his body, so you just say, "i just want to be a part of whatever it is you've got going on." which makes him beam.

you join seokmin for leg day. surprisingly, you're amazed by how much you're actually able to do -- apparently years of working on your feet has paid off, and while you're not perfect, you can mostly keep up with your very athletic boyfriend. it's actually kind of fun, too, which is no surprise -- seokmin makes everything fun.

but in the back of your mind, you're still thinking about that woman on the treadmill. seokmin is the most loyal man you know, and the idea of him cheating on you is actually laughable, but you can't help but compare yourself to her. that's the kind of person he deserves, you think to yourself. not a slob like me.

it had been a bad week for your body image. earlier on, you'd had to go to the urgent care for a bad case of pink eye, and the doctor had announced your weight to you out loud, which honestly felt like cruel and unusual punishment, especially given that it was the heaviest you'd ever been. the sting was only exacerbated when you went shopping for a few new outfits for a cruise you were taking next month with seokmin. your love handles, your thick thighs covered in stretch marks and cellulite, your hip dips -- all these insecurities you'd always had seemed to zoom into the forefront of your mind and start yelling at you.

you hadn't yet confided in seokmin, because you knew exactly how he'd react. but it becomes impossible not to tell him when, post-gym and post-shower, he corners you in the bedroom and sits you firmly down on the mattress. "something's up," he insists. "what's wrong?"

"i'm feeling insecure," you admit, avoiding his gaze.

"about what?" he asks.

"have you noticed i've gained weight?" you ask in a small voice.

"no," he responds, confused. "is that what this is about?"

"at the doctor's office," you continue softly, "i found out i'm the heaviest i've ever been." you take a shuddering breath. "and i'm getting more and more stretch marks. and i just feel like you're so out of my league. i mean, look at you." you gesture to him in all his freshly showered glory.

seokmin just blinks. "well? do you have anything to say?" you ask him, feeling a little hurt at his lack of response.

he hesitates. "well, i'm not sure what to say," he says slowly.

"well, thanks," you say, standing up and stalking out of the room. "super helpful, babe."

"no, wait! come back!" seokmin says, sounding panicked. "let me finish."

"oh, was there more?" you shoot at him. "because your silence was really loud."

he sighs. "honey, i understand you're feeling upset and i get it, i really do. but you have to let me finish talking."

his patient tone of voice grates at your already frayed nerves, but you bite your tongue and sit back down on the bed. this is seokmin, you remind yourself. seokmin, the kindest person alive. seokmin, who never meant to hurt you even when he did. and seokmin, who always made things right.

he reaches over and grabs your hand. "it's hard for me to respond to that because to me, you're perfect," he begins. you scoff, and he squeezes your hand. "hear me out," he implores.

you sigh but finally turn to look him in the eyes. he gives a small smile before starting again, playing absently with your fingers. "your body is ..." he says, and trails off, his eyes devouring you hungrily. he finally shakes himself back to normal and continues. "ugh. i'm gonna get distracted if i go into more detail, but let's just say i'm more attracted to you now than i ever have been, and that's saying something." he laughs quietly. "it's hard for me to understand the insecurities because to me, you're a goddess."

"okay," you say hesitantly. "but that doesn't make them any less real."

"no, i know," seokmin agrees. "so i guess what i should've said is that... i'm really sorry you can't see yourself like i do right now. and i will do whatever it takes to remind you that no matter how things change, or how you change, i fell in love with you for so much more than just your body. and that's one thing that's never changing," he finishes.

you study him with a stony face for a moment. "okay, that was pretty good," you admit, finally cracking a smile.

"was it?" he asks.

"and you should be rewarded," you continue, sliding closer to him on the bed in the most suggestive way you can muster.

he blushes. "well...i'll never say no to that," he agrees, pulling you closer to him for a kiss.

[hearts4golbach]

The Night Shift.

Johnnie Guilbert x Fem!Reader.

Chapter 21.

i woke up to johnnie sitting on the bed. he stared down at his phone. his leg was shaking gently, and i could feel the nervous energy radiating off of him.

"Good morning." i say cautiously. "Are you okay?"

"Can we talk?" he looks over to me, a neutral expression on his face.

i could tell it was important. i had never truly seen johnnie so serious. "Uh, yeah?" i sit up, "should i get ready for the day first?"

"If you want, but i dont care." he looks away.

"Okay, what's up?" i could feel a pit in my stomach. i pulled the covers further over my lap, clutching them nervously.

"i know this is really soon, but i can't hide my feelings for you anymore." he smiled softly, "Will you be my girlfriend."

a million thoughts ran through my head. "of fucking course. It's not too soon at all, i feel like I've been waiting years for you to ask."

he didn't respond but immediately pulling me in. he kissed my lips softly, his hands on either side of my face. he didn't pull away, and neither did i. his hands moved to my waist, gripping my gently as our lips glided together. i pulled him closer to me, dreading the moment he'd pull away. but he hadn't yet.

the kiss grew more passionate, making my whole body feel hot. he gently pushed me back onto the bed, putting us both in a better position. he crawled on top of me, continuing to kiss me. i continuously tried to pull him closer. it felt as if he wasn't close enough.

his tongue traced my bottom lip, asking for entrance. i opened my mouth slightly, nervous because i wasn't too sure how to really kiss. with johnie, it was like clock work. i followed his lead. his hand brushed my face and ran through my hair.

johnnie pulled away as he heard his phone ring. he was breathing heavily as he stared down at me with a soft smile on his face. "im sorry, hold on. its probably important."

"its alright." i choke out, trying to form actual words. "I'll be back." i say, grabbing a change of clothes and going to the bathroom. he nods and answers the phone.

i lock the bathroom door and immediately call Tara. she picks up almost immediately. "Hey!" she greeted, dragging out the y.

"Oh my god. you'll never guess what just happened." i stuttered.

"What?!"

"me and johnnie just fucking made out. he asked me to be his girlfriend, and i said yes, of course. but im so scared, ive never been in a relationship before. what if im bad at it? i really want it to work out with Johnnie." i rambled, turning on the shower and beginning to undress.

"No fucking way. Holy shit, im so happy for you, y/n! i told you it'd all work out." i could tell she was smiling on the other side of the phone. "By the way, im coming over later. jake said him and johnnie have a surprise for us, i guess."

"Oh shit, i wonder what it could be. jake hasnt said anything to me, but alright." i step into the warm water and begin to wash my hair.

"It's probably something really stupid, per usual." she laughs, "sooo, what happened after you and johnnie fucking kissed?!"

"well, he pulled away because he was recieving a call. he said it was important, and then i called you." i washed my face and turned off the shower. "im still so nervous around him, though."

"im sure he's just the same. the only difference is he's been in a relationship."

i dried off and got dressed. "Yeah, i guess so. well, I'm going to go hang out with him. I'll see you later!"

"Okay, have fun. use protection! bye, babe." she laughed before hanging up the phone.

johnnie ended up being busy for the rest of the day. i laid in the bed while he streamed, listening as he played the guitar.

hours had passed, and it was finally time for jake and johnnies secret announcement. the 4 of us sat in the living room. tara had brought over a bottle of whiskey, so we all had our own cup of alcohol.

after some small talk, jake pulled out his phone. "So, me and my husband were searching the web and found out Falling in Reverse is coming to town. we bought tickets for all 4 of us." he flipped his phone to show us.

my jaw dropped. "no fucking way." i had been a falling in reverse fan since my teen years.

tara screamed, her hand flying over her mouth. she pulled jake in for a hug. "Oh my god. I'm so excited!"

i hugged Johnnie tight. "you guys are fucking crazy." he placed a peck on my lips.

jake gagged before returning his attention to tara. "Thank you two so much." me and tara said in unison, giggling at the accident.

"holy shit, we have to plan our outfits." i turn to tara.

"Oh my god, yes." i noticed that tara repeated the phrase 'oh my god' a lot.

she posted a photo of the 4 of us on her instagram story captioned 'guess whos going to see falling in reverse?!'

[auroraescritora]

THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME - PERCY/NICO AU HIGH SCHOOL - CHAPTER XIX

Hello, how's it going? Thank you to everyone who voted in the poll. In fact, I didn't even know that so many people read the story in English; 49 votes, only two or three negative. So I'm glad to know I'm not writing for the walls. I've been thinking, it seems that polls are a good way of communicating. I'll use them from time to time to check if the plot is still going well. The chapters are short, but we'll get there slowly. I hope you enjoy it.

CHAPTER I / CHAPTER II / CHAPTER III / CHAPTER IV / CHAPTER V / CHAPTER VI / CHAPTER VII / CHAPTER VIII / CHAPTER IX / CHAPTER X / CHAPTER XI / CHAPTER XII / CHAPTER XIII / CHAPTER XIV / CHAPTER XV / CHAPTER XVI / CHAPTER XVII / CHAPTER XVIII

"Thank you. "Nico finally said when the Jackson family hugged him together, Sally almost crying while Grover and Tyson had a serious, neutral expression on their faces, reminding him of when Percy was trying to control himself so that he wouldn't destroy everything he saw along the way.

He liked that too, knowing he could count on the whole family. And since he was being honest, why not  carry on?

"You know? I haven't seen Hades in years. Is really necessary to work so hard because of him? I was thinking of something more effective.”

"Whatever you need, dear." This time, it was Sally who said it, already composing herself; the mother giving space to the businesswoman.

"I was thinking about emancipation." When no one said anything, Nico decided to close his eyes and keep on talking. "Hades has control of my mother's possessions and, as an only child, I won't have access to them until I'm twenty-one. If I speed up things, I can try to recover what is mine before Hades destroys everything.”

"I don't understand, Hades can't touch that money without the court's permission." Tyson said, confused.

"That's the problem. My mother had stocks and other assets that Hades has access to. Most of what he has comes from my mother.”

"Are you telling us that it was your mother who was rich and not Hades?"

Now it was Percy who seemed unhappy.

"Hades used to be a bank manager. Mama fell in love with him and I was born. In fact, Bianca is my half-sister, like you already know. My grandfather is a big farmer, you know? Mama used to help him before Hades showed up.”

"Wow. No, I did not know that." Grover muttered. "And your father is a son of a bitch.”

"He is. I didn't feel safe telling anyone this, but now that he can't hurt me, it's time to get back everything he took from me.”

"We're going to help. Tyson is going to start the preparations.”

"Can we take him by surprise? Try to get my mother's inheritance back and do the emancipation together? I don't want to give him time to fight back.”

"Of course. It's a great idea," Tyson said with a strange glint in his eyes. "He won't even notice when we catch him. I promise." 

"Okay. I trust you. If emancipation doesn't work, can you be my guardians? I never want to go back to that house again." 

"You have our word." Sally touched his shoulder, smiling at him with tears in her eyes. "We will destroy this man, even if it’s by force." 

"You don't have to promise me. I just... I don't want to be under his control anymore. I don't know what might happen."

"Is Bianca okay living with him?" 

"He's never treated Bianca the way he treats me." 

"Oh, honey." Sally said and hugged him tightly, with Percy still holding him by the waist. 

He refused to cry, refused to give Hades this pleasure, refused to continue under that man's control. While he was in Verona with his grandparents, cousins, and uncles, Hades hadn't had the courage to approach him. But now that no other adult was responsible for him, Hades thought he could boss him around. Well, Nico would prove it to that man and give him back a taste of what Hades had done to him.

"I'm fine. Is all in the past. I just want what's mine."

"We know," Percy finally said, coming out of his stupor. "I'll take care of you."

Nico knew that, Percy was saying those words so often that he was starting to believe it. Maybe they really did have a chance to get married in the future and build a family of their own, away from all this confusion and pain. Maybe if he behaved and did everything the right way, he would free himself from this nightmare, from these people who seemed determined to torture him.

***

After that, things seemed to calm down, but in a delicate way.

He said he should have kept quiet from the beginning, didn't he? Nico didn't understand exactly what was happening, but he did suspected something was going on.

Nico felt like Percy was distancing himself from him, as though he was loosening the leash of his collar to see how far Nico would go without supervision. Or maybe, that was just how he felt. Maybe Percy was giving him some space, some time for Nico to understand what was happening and take the next step with precaution. 

Where Percy used to be by his side at every moment of the day, now someone else would replace him without Nico even realizing it. It was strange, the few times he found himself alone and was able to think, the effect of what Percy wanted became the opposite. This time alone made him think about life and the possibilities that the future held for him. It scared him, the uncertainty, seeing that he would have to take the reins of his own life if he wanted to live comfortably, when, in reality, all he wanted was for someone to come and tell him what was the right path to take. 

That afternoon would be no different, making him lose himself in the succession of days, pleasant days with people who cared about him, but without the pleasure that Nico had become accustomed to receiving. Would a few days be enough for Percy to convince himself? Was he behaving as expected of him?

Nico was so tired of all that. He just got out of bed and walked around the house. He found Sally in the kitchen and declined the invitation to cook with her. He found Tyson in the study who offered to update him on the Hades case, and once again declined, passing Grover who was in the living room, going straight to the outside area of ​​the house, the only place Percy could be.

There Nico found him, watching Percy swimming at fast speed in the pool, up and down, incessant and frantic, Nico having the impression that Percy was trying to punish himself and for something he should never be blamed for. When Nico finally got close enough to get a better look at Percy's profile, he remained silent, wondering if it was a good idea to break Percy's self-imposed routine. What if this was their future and Nico was just delaying and fighting against what was hopeless? Finding himself at a dead end, Nico sat down in one of the lounge chairs and carried on watching Percy swim furiously, looking like he was trying to take out all his frustration in the water.

It wouldn't be long now. 

If Nico was still following their script, in a few minutes Percy would get out of the pool and go after him. Percy would hug him and smile at him, being all affectionate and they would spend the rest of the afternoon and part of the evening doing anything other than what they wanted to be doing. He was so tired of all this that Nico wasn't even surprised when Percy came out of the pool like someone was chasing after him, almost  walking straight past him. 

Nico felt like laughing, this was so ridiculous; Percy was ridiculous and he was ridiculous too. What were they waiting for? The trauma and the sadness to disappear so they could move on with their lives? That maybe with time and patience Nico would be a normal and mentally balanced person? The funniest thing was seeing Percy backing up and stopping next to his chair, smiling sheepishly at him. And what did Nico did? He smiled back, it was the only rational thing to do in a situation that made no sense at all.

"Hey, handsome. What are you doing here all alone?" Percy asked and crouched down, getting to his height and staring at him closely.

"I missed you." 

"Yeah?"

"I wanted to know where you were." 

"I'm here, like always." 

Nico wanted to say it was a lie. Percy might be there, but he wasn't by his side anymore.

"What's happening to us?" He asked, feeling more tired with each passing moment.

"Nothing's happening." Percy said and smiled at him, gently touching his face. And that was the problem, nothing was happening and he needed something to happen immediately, or he would go completely crazy.

Nico almost let himself be carried away by the platonic caress, almost let Percy's calm smile fool him.

"Did I... did I do something wrong?"

"That would never be possible." 

"You don't like me anymore?"

"Nico." Percy said in the calmest voice he had ever heard. "I think we should slow down.”

“More than this?”

“I…” Then the calm mask on Percy’s face broke. "I abused you. I never asked why you wouldn’t talk to your father. I never questioned why you cried and shook when you thought no one was watching. I need space. I thought it would be good for you too.”

“I don’t need space. I need you.”

Nico didn’t hesitate, he threw himself into Percy’s lap and hugged him tightly, feeling a lump form in his throat.

“Nico. I… I feel guilty. I��m just another one who wants to abuse you.” The important thing was that Percy hugged him back, tightly, holding him by the back of his neck and whispered in his ear. "I want to see you at my feet and I want to see you obeying everything I tell you to do. I want you to look only at me and think only about me. Do you think this is any different from what Hades was doing to you?”

“I don’t care.” There, he said it. “I want to do all of this for you.”

“Nico, please.”

“I’m tired. Why can’t I have what I want? Why is it so wrong to be under someone else’s control?”

He heard Percy groan and before he could react, Percy pulled him by the hair and made him face Percy, his green eyes blazing, as if Percy was about to devour him right there.

“You’re going to kill me. You know that? I’m trying to take care of you. I’m doing what’s best for you.”

“I don’t want the best, I just want to not feel so miserable all the time.”

Percy stared at him for a long moment, looking like he was going to break down at any moment, but finally his wish was granted; Percy pressed his lips against his and stayed like that for a few moments, allowing him to feel the warmth and touch that he had missed so much. And suddenly, it was enough for Nico. It wasn't the sex he missed, it was the warmth of Percy's body on his, the affection, the caring touch, the release of tension, the connection he hadn't found anywhere else.

Unfortunately, the moment was broken some time later. Percy's hands were still on his skin and he was still sitting on Percy's lap, they were still staring at each other as if the other would disappear if they looked away.

"I never wanted you to feel this way," Percy finally said, swallowing hard. "I feel like a monster. I'll-- I'll get over this, I just need some time." 

"Do we need to stay apart? I don't want to learn about law from Tyson or about sports from Grover, I don't even want to learn new recipes from Sally. I promise I won't bother you." 

"How can you say this to me?" That was all Percy said before he buried his face in his neck and Nico felt tears hit his skin, Percy's arms tightening around his waist.

"Oh." Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to corner Percy after all. 

Nico was convinced of that when he heard the first sob. Why did everything he did go wrong? With a tight chest, Nico pulled Percy up and lay down with him on the lounger. He would obey Percy's wishes and give him the space he needed.

Suggestions or comments? Thank you for reading!

[completely-zoned-out]

hehe im coming to say hi here instead of the other way around :3 but omg i think it just hit me now that.... w gwangil gone that's gonna be a very long time without an ot4 comeback and part of me just wants wonsang to enlist as soon as possible so that the time will be shorter until theyre back :( but i wonder if hes working on a lot of songs to put out while theyre enlisted since hes the producer.... i could def see yechan and sangyeop doing some type of comeback or putting out new music and maybe even collabing w other kbands like they did with daybreak. i honestly just hope we still get some new music cause idk how ill survive 2 years with no new lucy music (ik ill survive somehow but ive consistently been able to look forward to amazing comebacks from lucy since i stanned in 2022 during play era so... it'll def be a change of pace) BUT YEAH EMO HOURS HERE I COME 🫠

id be interested to know what you think their plan is for enlistment era. whether wonsang is gonna enlist sooner or later and new music timeline etc!! recently also been thinking about what type of songs lucy would write for you...

yechan would make a super emotional song and ofc its gonna have a beautiful violin section in it, i feel like he could even incorporate some classical music into it and it'd be soooo pretty. but more frequently than writing his own songs for you he'd always take your requests for anything you want him to play

sangyeop would probably put you through some emotions like he'd be singing his heart out to you and after hes done he'd be his usual bright cheery self acting like he didn't just make you cry from his pretty voice

wonsang 100% gonna write an admiration song about you like he did with holly LMAO and would poke fun at your habits or your relationship together, would prob sound like an anime opening too CAUSE HES WONSANG <//3 (my bias rly showing through damn why do i have so many thoughts abt this) but knowing how many songs he writes he'd prob have a range as well with some sadder or just more emotional romantic songs

gwangil is gonna write you the cutest and most heartwarming song ever just like his song would you dance with me !! i feel like hes really into the bright and fun side of love and while his voice is rly suited for slower softer songs, he would want to make you smile with his song, not cry so he'd stray away from that vibe skdjks

man i rly love them so much 💔💔💔 lucy are the best !!

Hi :3

Seeing the photos from their schedules really made it hit home that he isn't there. Stoppp it hadn't even occurred to me that we won't be getting ot4 comeback for a while. I do hope that Wonsang goes soon, but you're right he's probably busy working on stuff that they can put out while he's gone. That would make most sense anyway. I think he'd maybe go around Dec/early next year? I'd imagine they'd want him to be there for award show season if they perform and then he'd go after that? I really hope Yechan and Sangyeop put out music or at least just do schedules while the others are away. Alot of the videos that I had seen when villain came out were just Yechan and Sangyeop, so I wasn't sure if that was them preparing us for how it will be over the next couple of years lol. I think they'll continue to thrive even as a duo, isn't N.Flying still doing well despite being down 3 members? (I haven't kept up to date with them, so I genuinely don't know. All I know is Seunghyub has been in a couple of dramas lol)

I do think we'll get another cb before Wonsang goes! Wasn't boogie man released in Dec? Maybe they'll do another one then?

Yes!! Yechan would definitely have classical or Ghibli vibes in his song! All I can think of is my warm loneliness with it's soft sound and beautiful violin solo in the middle of it. I agree, I think it would be super emotional but also really cute, I think I'd cry if he wrote me a song ahaha. I think Yechan may regret taking requests lol, I definitely would have a few

Sangyeop would be such a menace, writing such an emotional song that makes you bawl and then he'd probably have the audacity to tease you for crying after. I think his would definitely be acoustic (so that you can focus on his voice more) . I think the lyrics would be so beautiful, I NEED him to write me a song lol. I would cry if there was a key change in it, I am a sucker for a key change

Wonsang's song for Holly was so cute oh my goodness. Another song like domino would be so funny. It's such a funny song, especially with the intro ahaha. Maybe he would put funny sound bites from videos of you both in the intro, from clips of you doing the most stupid things (but he finds it endearing because he is so in love with you). Oh and the bit between the verse and chorus could be him listening off things that he loves about you (in his really cute voice 🥺)

I feel like Gwangil would write such a goofy song. I definitely think he would be able to write a really emotional song like Sangyeop, but he's not gonna show you that yet (he's waiting for the right moment because he's going to ask for your hand after, I need to stop lol). I could see it being a really cheesy song or one that's filled with stupid puns because he knows that you hate them but you love him and he's going to be annoying about it. I love how you said that he's "into the bright and fun side of love", I definitely agree with that. I agree that he wouldn't want to make you cry, I feel like his is the only one who wouldn't make you cry with his song (Wonsang wouldn't want to make you cry, but he writes such beautiful songs that I think he would do it accidentally lol)

I think I'm getting a little to in to this, I need to stop (but this will definitely be all I think about for the rest of the day lol). That was very fun to think about

How's life treating you now that it's September? Has your schedule become really busy or is it not too bad? It's definitely been weird to not be in any form of school this year, this is the first time in like 19yrs that I haven't done this (that make me feel so disgusting and old to say that ahaha). Hope you aren't too busy or overwhelmed!

[vcaart]

woaaaah that dangan oc looks so cool i wanna know more about them..

(i'm assuming you're talking about Uchitase)

HE IS LITERALLY ONE OF MY FAVORITE CHARACTERS IVE EVER MADE HE IUST ASGSGHAHD

He and Aki are two of the first dangan ocs I've ever made, like I made them all the way back in 7th grade. and BOY HAVE THEY OCCUPIED MY BRAIN A LOT SINCE THEN

Uchitase is one of my favorites especially because he's the first killer I mapped out the crime for, as well as the first character I wrote the execution for (Which I'll include at the bottom of this, but it's old so don't expect it to be good or very accurate lol)

Here's some things I could think of off the top of my head (CW: Murder and mentions of dissection) (also there's a lot you've been warned)

Before being selected as an Ultimate student, he went to a prestigious private school near his home, per his own and his guardian's wishes. He came from a very wealthy family, and formed a love for collecting at a very young age from the spoiling of his grandparents. As he got older his love for collecting grew more and more, and even though his grandparents didn't spoil him as often anymore he picked up as many side jobs as he could to earn the money to buy the items to complete his collections.

As for the reason beyond just a hobby? It was one of the only things that made him happy at that point. The spoiling from his grandparents was only them trying to buy his love despite their neglectful nature, and his parents had long since passed due to an unfortunate accident. Soon enough, his "hobby" turned into an obsession, and his morbid curiosity got the best of him.

Like Korekiyo and Syo, he's one of the characters that were killers before the killing game (not counting Maki or any of the remnants). He started off by collecting small animals that had strange festures, and he's cardfully dissect them and preserve whatever he found interesting. Of course that was never enough. When his grandparents died, he didnt inform anybody of their passing. Instead, he dissected them and studied what he found, and preserved what he found interesting.

So, he found a new thing to collect.

It started with buying organs from the already deceased soon after his 18th birthday, but he found that was never nearly satisfying as collecting them for himself. It went from corpses, long since dead, to unwilling victims over the years. He resorted to killing if he couldn't buy something he wanted to collectfrom the person, and he'd kill if he found something of interest about a person. Anything to complete his collections.

Dark backstory or smth oooh

Despite this he isn't really mean, I guess? He's actually quite polite and friendly, or at least that's how he acts to other people. Of course he's a bit off putting, and has an obsessive personality that is rightfully seen as deranged and unhealthy. I don't know exactly how to describe him, but think SCP-049 and Korekiyo? But like, in a polite british boy way. (I'm so good at describing things guys)

In the killing game he was the second killer, and it was because of the return of the secret motive. His secret? Not only did he dissect his grandparents, he was the one who kiled them.

The killing game already had him on edge, being on the opposite end of the knife already had him close to snapping (if he hadn't already.) But this was the final straw.

He created a locked room mystery, trying to frame it as suicide. He poisoned the victim and locked them in the kitchen until they died, using arsenic so it worked fast enough that the victim wouldn't be able to escape. He didn't have anybody specific in mind to murder, but there was a participant he wasn't quite fond of. So he left a note under Eisuke Jun, the Ultimate Tattoo Artist's, door, asking him to meet him in the newly unlocked bar area. Eisuke, while having his suspicions, came anyways. But he came prepared, unbeknownst to Uchitase.

Uchitase simply planned to poison his drink, and set up the scene like Eisuke had purposefully taken his life. He even forged a suicide note beforehand. But Eisuke refused to take a drink, obviously suspecting Uchitase had poisoned it. But he had also told the othwrs beforehand he didn't drink, a conversation Uchitase had missed.

Instead of calling it quits for that night and trying again with a different contestant, he waited for Eisuke's head to be turned away and brought a bottle down over his head to disorient him. He forced the arsenic mixed alcohol down his throat, not caring if he choked on it at this point just as long as he got some of it ingested.

Eisuke had brought a weapon of his own though, a pocket knife he stabbed Eisuke in the thigh with out of self defense. But it wasn't enough, it was too late.

Uchitase strangled him until he was sure he'd no longer be able to fight back, and hid himself in the supplies closet until he was sure Eisuke was dead, or at least unconscious. He quickly cleaned up the scene, doing his best to clean the blood and vomit up and readjusting Eisuke's body back onto a bar stool with his head on the counter. He poured the rest of the bottle down the drain, as well as a second bottle to make it seem like Eisuke had drank it all, and set the forged suicide note by his head.

He locked the door and lodged a chair under the handle, before fleeing the scene through the vent on the far side of the room. He escaped into the boys bathroom, and washed himself off in there, and made his way back to his dorm as if nothing had happened.

He was seen walking back to his dorm, but he was seen leaving the bathroom so he secured that as his alibi.

If only he had a reasonable excuse for the wound on his thigh and the discarded pocket knife in the trash can.

...

Execution (VERY old, I made this back in middle school so you've been warned):

"Puhuhuhuhu. All the votes are in!”

Fujiko glared at the ground again, “Just get this over with.”

The wheel spun round, and round, and round, until it settled on a pixel picture of a person with light blue hair, a maroon jacket, and only one eye showing.

Uchitase Tanobu

“NO! NO NO NO NO NO!!!” Uchitase screamed and clamped his hands over his ears, “THIS ISN’T HAPPENING!!! PLEASE NO-”

“Looks like it’s time for Uchitase’s punishment!” Monotan lifted up a mallet and a button lifted up in front of him.

“NO! I CAN’T DIE YET!!” Uchitase screamed, pleading with his eyes.

“Give up, Tanobu. It’s over.” Natsuki looked at him, not showing any emotion.

“IT’S PUNISHMENT TIME!!!” Monokuma smashed the button with the mallet.

Uchitase Tanobu has been found guilty!!

Time for punishment!

A collar came down and clamped around his neck and another one came and clamped itself around his waist. Small needles where in the waist clamp, poking into him as he screamed and got dragged back so quickly, he didn’t even touch the ground. A door opened and immediately closed when he was in the room, the clamps unlocking and disappearing through the ceiling.

The room was a small rectangular room, the walls and floor made of old cracking cement. Almost like the walls of a bridge on the highway. Except neon pink blood streaked the walls and floor, some places it looked like somebody was stabbed or decapitated. Shelves lined the two longer walls and where filled with items covered in blood or jars with various organs or body parts in them, some had broken and formaldehyde spilled off the shelves in puddles.

He was on his hands and knees, trying to catch his breath, when a foul odor caught his nose. He put a hand over his mouth and tried not to throw up, he looked up only to see decapitated heads of his classmates mounted on the wall, rotting. He immediately looked down only to see a small screen just at his eye level on the wall. He started reading it.

Start!!!

He looked at it confused then it changed and read something else.

Find the scissors used to chop off victims tongues

He looked at it terrified. He was confused and looked at it a bit longer, hoping for more clarification. But it only showed a countdown timer.

5:00

4:59

4:58

His eyes widened and he quickly got up, getting dizzy for a second. He turned around only to see shelves full of items, although they all looked like they had to do with the murder of somebody. Fresh pink blood splattered the shelves and floor, and the light above him flickered. He stood confused, not knowing what to do. Then he spotted a pair of scissors next to a jar of human tongues in formaldehyde. He was on the verge of puking and he went over to go pick up the scissors. He grabbed them and held them shakily, dried blood stained them. The timer stopped at 3:46 minutes, and then the screen showed different words again.

Find the pocket knife used to slit victims throats

He saw the timer start counting down from 3:56. His eyes widened in realization, the timer doesn't reset. He had no intention of figuring out what happens when it gets to zero, and looked around, his hands were sweaty and shaking. But before he could even move to go look, a pair of scissors flung at his foot, impaling it. He screamed in pain and fell to the floor, clutching his foot as bright pink blood seeped out of his boot and drenching his sock and soaking the inside of his shoe. He ripped out the scissors and threw them across the room, then shakily got up, gritting his teeth. The timer was now counting down.

3:46

3:45

3:44

He looked around, he spotted a pocket knife covered with blood and limped over there, falling a few times. He grabbed it and held it tight, but the timer kept going. “WHAT?!? I HAVE THE KNIFE!!” But the screen showed new words:

Wrong One

2:52

2:51

“DAMN IT ALL!” He threw that knife at a wall but before he could even look again the same knife had found a home in his arm. Warm liquid trickled down his arm and before he knew a burning pain shot through him.

He fell over and gripped his arm, he ripped the pocket knife out of his arm and threw it aside. Blood soaking his shirt and sticking to his arm. He looked up woozily at the clock, and knew he had to hurry. He gripped a shelf and pulled himself up and grabbed a random knife he was pretty sure was a pocket knife, and the clock stopped ticking.

He sighed in relief, and time after time, again and again, he continued to find items only to get more hurt. He looked up slowly, his vision blurry. He gripped a rope in his fist and leaned on a shelf, stinging the cuts on his hand. One of his legs where gone and one of his eyes had a needle in it, fresh blood staining everything. The screen read one last thing in red lettering.

Last one!!!

Find the axe used to decapitate victimsHe turned around slowly and saw the axe across the room. A new hope in him he tried to hurry over to get it. He crawled across the floor, dragging himself by grabbing the shelves. Blood pooled beneath him and he dragged the hot pink liquid behind him. He stopped moving when he heard a beeping in a happy little tune. He turned around to look at the timer, eyes wide in fear. The timer was up.

“Nononononono NO NO NO!!! I’M NOT DONE!! I NEED TO LI-” He was cut off by an axe swinging from the wall, blade swung towards his neck at an alarming speed. His eyes widened in fear and his head rolled to the floor. His light blue hair falling in front of his face and his pink and yellow eyes seemed to be filled with pure, hopeless, despair.

The room blacked out and when the lights flickered back on, his head was mounted on the wall along with the others, blood leaking from the stump of his neck.

...

OKAY IM SORRY THAT WAS A LOT IM DONE IM DONE

[selfdiagnosedeyemotif]

Ema Skye for ask game

a) i think she had a major falling out with her friends (kay and sebastian from aai, but you wouldnt know them) about 4 years into the 7yg, and hadn't spoken to them for a hot sec going into ajaa. b) she reads as being a bit of a tech wiz to me in addition to her other scientific prowess. i think she has the single most powerful modded 3ds on the planet. like that thing runs elden ring. (source: the sprite attached at the top of the post). c) she and lana shared an apartment for a few months after the latter got out of prison. they have both sworn to never repeat such a thing. even if they grew up with only the two of them, that is something that must stay in the past.

on a doylist level, i do think that giving her something to differentiate her personality-wise from maya in the first game would have been to her benefit. on a watsonian level, she is enough of an asshole that i dont think i would want to be around her all that much. like the hater schtick would be fun at first but it would get tired fast.

truly just a phenomenal depiction of what it's like to grow up. you change. sometimes, the way you used to be isnt something you can keep up anymore. that little kid isnt you anymore. but the stuff that they loved, their passions, are still your passions. you can't change that. and sometimes, those things can come back to you. also, GREAT way to really sell the weight of the 7yg. beanix alone would have been good, but having an outsider perspective on state vs. enigmar makes it feel way more real, especially given her second perspective on that change is paired nicely with her own personal changes.

shes a fellow science freak. i dont talk a ton about it online but i fucking love chemistry. chemistry is my shit. and i see a lot of the same traits in regards to that (especially in how it can quickly usurp ema's cynicism) in her.

im boring. i like faraskye (kay faraday from aai and ema). they just feel like they wouldve swapped numbers after their brief meeting in aai1-3, and i just find the idea pretty fun (and like. i think they ABSOLUTELY need to have gotten close in some regard, hence the headcanon in 1a)

a) i think she and klavier made up after the events of turnabout succession. like a big part of her feud with him was his involvement in state vs. enigmar and phoenix's disbarment, and that trial proved that he wasn't at fault for that. the two of them obviously had other stuff to work through, they were both kinda dicks to each other, but it was a start. b) after she failed the forensics exams, the first person she went to was lana. the two of them had a good cry about it for a while in the visitor's room of the prison. c) she cried at the first one of trucy's performances that she went to. the weirdgirl-former weirdgirl link got a little too powerful there. d) a bit vaguer, but she should have met maya! before aa6! im not even sure if the two of them met in aa6! but they still should have met before getting to that point! e) ill be real ive kinda run out of steam on the situations thing so i might have to leave it here. apologies

ditto for this one. i havent the foggiest, mostly by virtue of the fact that theres only so many characters that ema interacts with

[dausy]

I had a follow up doctors appointment yesterday and it was kinda sweet, my husband wanted to go with me. He said he didn't trust me to not tell the truth and then walk out.

I know what its like to work with doctors so I'm always kinda like in my head "mmhmmm..Im sure youre nice" but tbh this is the first doctor who has ever listened to me and actually did tests and offered to do tests and not just tell me Im having anxiety and send me on my way.

that being said everything so far came back normal which is nice. I had a vascular doctor look at my "birthmark" and did an mri to make sure it wasn't elsewhere. In particular I wanted to make sure it wasn't causing my headaches.

and I got put on topamax for migraine prevention. Its a long story and more to it than that but hopefully my stomach will heal and I'll get some headache relief. Funny enough though I took the first dose of topamax last night, I was awake all night, couldn't sleep and I had a headache...she said she'd see me back in a month and the next step would be botox injections.

my husband bought me an oreo shake for being a good girl at the doctor lmao.

I think we are now planning a trip to visit California next month. Weird to think same time last year we were in California as well. My SiL who just graduated nursing school wants to take a beach trip before starting her big girl job and doesn't really want to go by herself. She offered to pay me and my husbands way..nah...cant take money from a 22 year old. My husband has hotel points and we essentially used them to pay for a beach house on the naval base down there. We just need to pay for plane tickets and dog boarding. I got my last ever paycheck from work last friday and I'm already having panic attacks over spending money. We are fine, this is just my childhood trauma speaking. I say we are planning because my husband still has to get the time off approved lmao. But we have the beach house. I stayed an an airforce beachhouse once and it was pretty much like a medical clinic lobby..so don't get too excited thinking its fancy..but it was half the price of hotels in the area. Think we are planning on visiting the zoo and I'd like to see some of the museums they have out there. Dont know yet. I hate airplanes though. Having more anxiety already.

---

for graphical effects heres the illustration I worked on last night. I got an advertisement for a yoga mat competition and I was like "interesting interesting" with no real desire to join it but it got me thinking how would I design a yoga mat and it made me think of those mandalas you usually see and then I realized Id never used that mirror feature before in procreate. So I decided yesterday was the day to learn the mirror feature. This was honestly the hardest thing I've done in a while and then to put that much effort digitally..the real issue was I didn't have a plan other than "make it swirly" but then I realized you can't just..make it swirly...if I hadn't have made perfect eyes and a nose on the immediate first attempt I would have abandoned it. I literally made a bunch of swirls and then had to connect the dots to make some form of sense to the madness. Erase and connect lines and end lines and curse myself for making so many lines. But it turned out ok. I might have entered my digital lineart era. Ive never been one for digital lineart. Like, now that I know...I kinda want to attempt it again.

[system-architect]

ngl im kinda excited to see how gunner would potentially react to the stabilized rata novus fractal!

u sent this ask to me 6 months ago and ive been kind of letting it marinate in my head while i also figure out how i really feel about soto and im proud to say that after half a year i finally have an answer for u:

he'd be fucking pissed

(long below)

i think that like, at first, gunner would be bonkers levels intrigued by the wizards and the fractal islands and everything about them conceptually. that's his jam. he would feel a bit salty and cheated he hadn't been 'let in on' all the wizard stuff before, because he feels that he works harder than anyone else and essentially deserves to have access to the same pool of knowledge that the wizards have and that it was basically kind of held back from him arbitrarily, but he digresses. it's at least cool to see Now

learning about and then entering the rata novus fractal island is where his opinion would shift heavily. i think he might be kind of initially excited.. it IS his home, without all the chak damage. it's intensely nostalgic to see. but after spending a few moments into it and learning more of its' premise (a rata novus that survived because they made 'different choices'), he'd feel... mocked and exploited, sort of.

for one, he'd feel weird and like it was dirty in a way that he, a living rata novan, was never simply asked any questions and then never had any sort of input on the creation of this thing. but more pressingly, seeing this sort of distorted 'happy bubble where nothing is wrong' version of the world would feel like it was mocking him specifically-- i mean, only 2% of the population of rata novus survived. he WATCHED these people die. he'd feel like the whole premise of the fractal was kind of shitty in a way-- that maybe if the rata novans made 'better choices' they wouldn't have all died or something, as it if was the entire city that brought on the destruction via mismanagement of chak+ley energy, not a small group consisting of zinn and his high council. furthermore, zinn gets to be here-- completely uncontested and flourshing in his happy-go-lucky leadership role, despite 1. gunner feeling that zinn is a colossal idiot 2. zinn having been one of the few who had survived and escaped in the first place.

on top of that all, it's an experiment, a simulacrum-- the entire city and all of the very real (if artificially created/reproduced) people inside can just be frozen or destroyed at will if the wizards have no use for them anymore. everything that rata novus actually was matters 0% here.

[dayurno]

Out of curiosity, would you ever write kerejean or some variation of it?? I've lowkey fallen for their dynamics

yEAH OF COURSE!!!!! i havent really been big on jerejean before but i lovelovelove keremy and kevjean...... i think kerejean is very interesting because theyre really complementary 🤔 but ive never been able to get into jerejean because theres not much material for it outside of hcs and wishful thinking (which is fine because those are also the prime meat of kandreil anyway)..!! nonetheless i really can see it... ive written both kevjean and keremy in the past so i'll add some snippets under the cut in case ur curious or starving since i know their ship tag is rather empty.... agh. we ought to do something about this

keremy <3

"Kevin." Kevin shifts from the other side of the couch, one of Jeremy's many USC sweatshirts engulfing his frame as he brings his knees to his chest. It's a side of Kevin Jeremy hadn't quite met up until now — with his hair tied back and his socks mismatched, he looked like he'd become one with Jeremy's dorm, his very own Palmetto souvenir. His lips are pulled into a displeased frown, more of a pout than Kevin would ever admit. He sighs before saying, "Come here." Jeremy raises an eyebrow, but doesn't wait to comply. He drops the homework he'd been pretending to do easily, sliding towards Kevin's side with a quiet question hanging from his lips. Kevin doesn't look back at him as he adjusts himself under Jeremy's arm, curling into his side by letting his head rest on Jeremy's chest. His hair smells of green apple shampoo — Jean's — and a trail of goosebumps ride up his skin as Jeremy slips a hand under his sweatshirt, gently caressing his back. "What's up, baby?" Jeremy hums, tracing imaginary circles on Kevin's back. Kevin shifts, burrowing closer, and huffs out a "Don't call me that," which neither of them believe. He pulls on Jeremy's hoodie mindlessly, bringing the fabric to his nose and nuzzling before he finally works up the courage to say, "That movie. The one we watched earlier." "What's with it?" He huffs. Jeremy raises an eyebrow. "Are you scared, baby?" "No," Kevin replies; too quick and too forceful. "I'm not scared. I'm—" he hesitates, "paranoid."

Jeremy runs his fingers down Kevin's back in thought, rubbing delicately once he reaches the spot where his back dimples begin."Hm," he says, "what can I do to help?" Kevin buries his face in the material of his hoodie. "Just shut up." Jeremy can't help it: he laughs, the rumble of it deep and low. It makes Kevin press his cheek to his neck, chasing the tremor of it, and it's so lovely Jeremy is at once taken over by endearment. "I'm here, Kevin," he teases lightly. "Andrew might be back in Palmetto, but I can still protect you just fine." His boyfriend scoffs. "You can barely throw a punch." "For you, I would learn," Jeremy solemnly promises, cupping the back of Kevin's head. "And, anyways — there is always Jean. Jean can throw a punch."

kevjean <3

Jean Moreau has been pining after Kevin Day ever since he was thirteen years old and a new recruit to the ever-feared Edgar Allen Ravens. This is as old a hat as his own old hat, a Marseilles cap that hangs from the top of Jeremy's coat rack. He knows it is a fact, and he lives with it in harmony — Jean has wanted what he cannot have for so long it does not feel like a sore wound anymore; just a tender ache. Which means that now — two years since the Nest burned, six months since he began speaking to Kevin again, five minutes since Kevin sat on his lap with a determined look on his face — he does not know what to do. Jean is a learned man, but he finds himself at loss for answers to the equation of wanting: had he perhaps wanted Kevin so bad even the idea of getting him pales in comparison? But he knows it's not quite that. His heart pounds in his chest because Kevin Day is a warm weight on top of him, his hair smelling not of the shampoo he used back in the Nest but something milder, sweeter. He has wanted this when he did not know what wanting was; when he was thirteen and holding onto the thought of a pretty smile to keep himself sane. The span of Kevin's waist is held safely in his hands, both because Jean is afraid he will fall and because he doesn't know where to put his hands. There are Trojans behind him, partying on, and he knows they must be too drunk to remember ever seeing Kevin on his lap. Kevin is sober, though. He's missing the feverish flush that comes out every time he has a drink, and his gaze is intent in a way it only is when he's sober. Crazy, then, that it is by pure unadulterated will that Kevin grips Jean's hands on his waist and uses his own to tighten their hold. Jean does not plan on thinking about that away from the privacy of his room.

[...]

He is not the person for romance, Jean quickly came to figure — when Andrew Minyard offered Kevin his entire life to do with it what he wills, all Kevin offered back was what he knew, a career in Exy and the promise of his presence. When Thea demanded a part of his life bigger than what was convenient, Kevin ended their relationship. Whatever goes on in that heart of his, it stands clear that he does not give it the time of the day. His hands slide from Kevin’s waist to his hips, resting. It pulls an uncharacteristic shiver from Kevin, and Jean frowns. "Are you cold?" He asks. Kevin shrugs. Jean starts kicking off his jacket at record speed, then wraps it around Kevin's shoulders once he can. This, his therapist tells him to stop doing. Jean has been trained to put his superiors' needs above his own, was less than human in a place where Kevin was considered number two, and he cannot quite quell the instinct to give up his comfort for Kevin's own. It is not necessarily ingrained by what he lived in the Nest anymore, but the other reason for it feels far scarier — that he loves Kevin, still, and he cannot stand to see him suffer in any capacity. That he is still the thirteen year old boy gasping at Kevin's long eyelashes from behind the security of an Exy helmet, thinking of things he cannot have from a person he cannot touch. "Jean," Kevin murmurs, mild and wispy in the cold night air.

[...]

Kevin sighs gently, offering him a cat-like glare that shows equal parts apprehension and amusement. "I'm not very good at this." "At what?" "Flirting," Kevin replies, sure enough to make Jean's mouth run dry. "I don't… I suppose if you wanted me, you would've had me years ago." Jean corrects him right away — "Years ago, I couldn't have wanted for anything. You know this." Kevin bites his lip guiltily. "I thought— I thought his death would make you… You know. Act on it. Why didn't you?" Why didn't he, indeed? Riko Moriyama's death had been a breath of fresh air in between two millennia of choking on words. It had also coincided with an all-time low moment in Kevin's life — Jean learned through pictures and rumors that the events of the year anticipating Riko’s death had killed something in Kevin he thought was invincible even in the face of unimaginable hopelessness. Jean hadn’t come to see him for an entire year, after hearing that. He did not want to have a hand in Kevin’s suffering, harbinger of doom as he is. “You misunderstand me,” Jean puts down at last. Kevin’s face falls carefully blank. “Oh,” he says, flattened into barely a whisper. “Then I’m sorry.” He makes a move to leave Jean’s lap as if the contact burned him at the presumption that it wasn’t mutually wanted, and Jean realizes his mistake before it even takes root. “No,” he protests, holding Kevin by his elbows to halt his movement. He tries to keep his grip gentle, but by the look on Kevin’s face, he’s unsure if he succeeded. “That’s not what I meant. You misunderstand what kept me from acting on it.” When Kevin says nothing, Jean continues: “You were a mess, Kevin. And you didn’t — you don’t want anyone.” Kevin’s eyebrows furrow. “You don’t know that.” “Come on, Kevin,” is all Jean can offer with a half-bitter grin. He tries to smirk, but he’s smiling. “You don’t do love. You don’t do these things. Minyard spent a year chasing after you like a puppy, barking at anyone that came close. Thea, too — a year trying to hear even a breath from you.”

[talksofmyfamily]

lately ive been wondering if i want to be an author at all.

it was always my dream, writing books, writing of my fantasies and ideas, that overflow my mind at all times. but sometimes i look at the cars my father - a distant man, every time we speak we argue and we scream and we cry and fight, he just doesn't listen, he just doesn't let you get a word in - repairs and works on, and i think of what it would be like to know what goes on inside them. how do they work? what happens in them? theyre structured. theyre pretty, and unique, and sometimes theyre also ugly. the old ones, thats what he repairs. not the new, electric cars, with their modern, ever-the-same sleek designs, he takes care of the hiccups that the old ones have. he doesn't do it professionally, actually, he cuts and sells firewood, but when someone has a problem with their motor, they go to him. and sometimes, i watch him work on them, from the window, where i sit and smoke almost every hour of day. he doesn't look angry when he does it. he just looks passive, and peaceful, unlike literally every other time i see him. he doesnt scare me anymore, not really, not after five years of hating him and loving him and being afraid and arguing and attempting to dodge his fists on the more difficult days, i just find myself ignoring his existence unless he speaks to me first. i hardly spare a thought to him. hes nothing to me. but his cars.... they fascinate me. id almost forgotten about them for a long time. we used to do little projects together, back when i was still younger, before the incident, before he changed and i changed too. built a cage for my hamster, and my sister's too. built a stable for my action figures i had back then, little horses id been collecting since i was three years old. fixed my bike. he helped me with everything. taught me to sew the many holes in my clothes shut. gave me my first beer, way too early, i hadn't even reached double digits yet. i used to love him. and then i hated him. and then he became nothing to me but a bother.

my neighbor is different. it'd be a very big stretch to say he's been more of a father to me than my own, we hardly talk to each other as well, after all, but when we do, its always memorable. he fixes cars as well. he's my father's best friend, ironically, but theyre nothing alike. my neighbor is a nice, if a bit grumpy and stingy man that smokes pipes rather than cigarettes, gives me beers (and weed) freely and has the most well-trained, sweet dog ive ever seen. shes adorable, and whenever we have to take care of her because he's in the hospital again, she sleeps in my bed rather than the makeshift blanket bundle my mother puts on the floor for her. he trained and raised her himself. yesterday, when we were smoking weed together from his fancy little pipe, he gave me some advice. he said (or at least, he said roughly this, as i am not sure i remember it correctly, and i am also attempting to translate it from german into english) that "when you really want to do something, and you do it, without letting yourself be influenced by others, itll work out. if it doesnt, the question is if thats really what you want."

i still dont know if i want to be an author, or if i want to learn something about cars, or be a graphic designer or something entirely different. but i have time. im still only in 9th grade, and i do want to continue school until im at least in 10th or 11th. maybe ill look into the basic inner workings of a car tonight. maybe ill write another long-awaited chapter to one of my fanfictions. maybe i wont be able to sleep and do both. who knows. i wish i did.

[inkofamethyst]

January 3, 2025

I don't really have any new year's resolutions beyond all of the projects I've already talked about here: passing my qualifying exam and not getting kicked out of my program, planning for comic con, planning for bico, learning the bass (and maybe being ready for a jam session by the fall if I can work out the amp situation). Crochet some more.

Upon looking back on my her pinterest vision board.. I can't say I really made progress toward many of those visuals lol. I mean I bought a bass guitar which was the one vision I hadn't actually anticipated reaching in 2024. I did get a little more consistent with my makeup look, I guess. I think many of the images will transfer to 2025. I'd like to be more adventurous with my natural hair rather than just knotless braids and puffs and mini twists (though I did try spring twists last year and quite liked them!). I'd like to try more thrifting, too.

Not having a Joanns within easy public transit distance while I'm at school truly is a blessing and a curse. I think the closest one is like an hour and a half away but requires multiple trains and buses which would be exhausting. Special trip maybe.

Played a bit of uke and man am I out of practice. I mean I still know the ten or so main chords I'd used all the time, but my playing is very choppy and don't even get me started on bar chords yikes (granted, this was an absurdly cheap instrument, but I can't blame it all on its value or lack thereof). Honestly I think bar chords are the reason I went with bass as my next instrument rather than like guitar.

Also played a bit of flute and it doesn't quite sound as lovely as it used to, I don't think. I know I'm like, six years out of practice though. Hhhhh I don't really see myself getting back into regularly playing flute until after the phd (unless I start making music as a new hobby sometime before then or something). Didn't even touch my sax. I'm considering trading it in and buying a more size-appropriate alto.

Downloaded a music theory app to do daily MT exercises, staff exercises and ear exercises. My ear is not well-developed at all. Like I can recognize a fifth (star wars) and a fourth (ive never been in love before) and theoretically a third (start of an arpeggio) and sometimes a seventh (almost an octave) but not all the minors or augmenteds or anything and certainly not consistently (sixths also are super confusing to my ear for some reason ???). But that's what practice is for I guess. I just would love to be more of a "social musician" and I feel like this is how I can ease into that space in a way that's comfortable for me. Though eventually I've going to have to jump into the deep end and just do it.

I think in the meantime I shall aim to go to more casual music events around the city. There are some places that have live music and jam sessions which are on my list to check out.. maybe during the winter break?

I feel like this mirrors my longtime quest to Be A Dancer except I've always had a bit more of an affinity for music making. It's the deep desire within me to be a proficient improviser.

Anyway anyway I'm very excited to try out my headphone amp and finally hear what my bass actually sounds like when I get back. I hope it's as beautiful and rich and warm as it looks.

My discord friends and I had a new year's day hangout and it was very nice to see the whole gang in person. To laugh, to chat. Today I'm thankful to know them and that they know me :)

Back to uni tomorrow. I'm going to miss home.

[oldaccyikes]

6.23.24

i wonder to myself at times if i made the right decision to be happy. there are so many things i wished for myself and yet i don't know if i can say that im living those things out. i want to be in a relationship with someone who loves me and whom i love. i am. so why does it have to be so painful. i want everyone to love us and our relationship, but they don't and that makes me want to die. i find myself so happy when i am with them, but so alone and saddened when i am away from them. not only is it because i miss them, but also because the hate we receive from everyone around us seeps into my mind and makes me wonder if my life would be better if i hadn't made the decision to jump and be happy with them. it would be easier for sure. less painful and sad. less of the constant hate and judgment from the world and myself. i wonder if i would be as miserable in my body and my mind if i waited for a nice boy to come and sweep me off my feet. the thing is, they are the most loving and kind person I've ever met. if only i were straight and could find someone that would appease the world and be as kind as they are to me and everyone around them. their mom makes me want to die.

ive been thinking about throwing up a lot recently. in the past 24 hours, i don't think there has been an hour where i haven't wanted to. i would if i didn't think i would continue to do it. then it becomes this whole thing i would have to deal with. i wish i could though. i really really really wish i could. i feel happier on days that i wake up and feel under my chin and there is nothing there. i feel like i want to stop existing when i wake up and can feel a bump. i want to restrict my eating but i know i cant do that. i would miss the food too much and i would be miserable like i was last fall. i want to throw up so badly. so so so so so badly. i know id become addicted though. so easily. im scared to drink because it will make me gain weight. i constantly think about food and calories and how trapped i am in my body. how disgusting it is. how i hate everything about it unless i wake up without extra fat under my chin. then i am happy. i feel so very happy.

i dont feel like i have friends. i want friends so badly like they do in the movies. where they have their best girl friend and they say i love you before hanging up the phone. i feel quite alone. i cant tell if that's because im in a relationship or what. nethanya didn't like elena but she was the closest i had to having a real friend just for me. i miss her a lot. i wish she was still at washu. michaela was really nice to have because we would have fun together too. i just want a friend. a real friend. i hope that maybe someone like grace could be my friend. that would be really nice. i want to be happy being alone. i want to enjoy life without relying on the person im dating. i miss high school in a way because i had friends then. i loved my friends. i wonder if i would have more friends if nethanya and i were not dating and didn't jump so quickly into things at the beginning. i just want a friend to call my own. not our friend. just mine.

i cant tell what all of this means for me and my life, but i know that i need to work on myself this year. i hope i can look back and feel happier about where i will be.

[ebtks-reviews]

The Descent (2005)

(yay my first horror movie review! Expect alot of these lol)

Spoiler sink! Spoilers ahead for The Descent and (technically) The Descent 2.

So this was definitely not my first horror movie or media that I've interacted with that took place primarily in caves and primarily with both hallucinatory and crave creature elements. (Looking at you until dawn and house of ashes) But, for what it was, I quite enjoyed this movie.

Let start off with our plot, the idea isn't too bad on its own: cave creatures in Appalachia that live off animals and climbers. Seen this before. I appreciate the movie for giving our protagonist Sarah plenty of motivation and baggage pretty much off the jump and, although I had the twist and many of the big awesome jumpscares ruined for me, it was very fun to watch my partner react fresh. The first two kills were awesome, definitely not the same in strength as something like the infamous first scene of zombieland saga, but definitely along those veins. Very sudden and realistic car crash kills are always loved in my book. Having the guts to kill a kid (in a non-snuffy way) in the first 20 mins of the movie was taking a chance but definitely not one I think they failed.

The following scene with Sarah finding out first with a dream/hallucination fake out then the real thing felt a little out of place but I think worked by using the suffocating and monotonous halls of the hospital and the lights going out with Sara barely escaping a good foreshadowing of her future cave endeavors. I just wish Shauna Carter (Sarah's actress) would have put a little more energy into Sarah's break down upon realizing the loss of her family. The cries didn't feel like a world-shattering moment of the violent and sudden deaths of the two closest people to her as much as losing a distant family member you knew and loved but hadn't seen in a long time. Ive heard cries of anguish in many a media and this one... Idk just didn't feel spicy enough. It didn't jerk tears out of my cold dead heart like many cries have. It wasn't comically bad but it certainly barely reached "good enough?" Territory.

We jump ahead a year later and she's on a trip with her friends, mostly friends of Juno but she does know some of them. Here's where we kinda arrive at my first criticism of the descent: every girl other than Holly, Juno and Sarah are one or two personality traits and quiet while also having barely distinguishable appearances. Part of this could be that this movie is actually quite dark and although I won't say the darkness of it is too much and ruins the movie, it's very hard to tell which vague white girl in a headlamp I'm looking at. Very few times could I definitely tell who I was looking at and neither could my partner. This resulted in me nicknaming the girls outside of holly, Juno and Sarah and even then, I had to look up their actual scripted names while writing this cause I couldn't really remember them. I remembered them as Sunday school teacher ( Beth)(because she looked like my Sunday school teacher), Older sister ( Rebecca) and Doctor/Younger sister( Sam). I also distinctly remember Juno calling out for a girl named Grace after the big main attack from the crawlers but couldn't find any mention of a girl named Grace. I am going crazy like they did apparently??

Because these characters are vaguely personalized and the way they look in the caves is so indistinguishable and dark, this results in me, half the time, not knowing who I'm looking at. I kind of wish they would of taken the effect bodies bodies bodies did by having each character be more than a one dimensional personality lit by things other than all just wearing headlamps and having that light source be a mild representation of their individual personalities. Anything really to make the girls more identifiable would of been awesome. This dose detract from the movie for me abit. Do I care about all the girls? Yes but Rebecca and Sarah look the same to me and I thought Beth was a brunette for most of the movie( maybe this is who I thought the mythical grace was??). They all look the same in a dark cave outside of our alt queen holly, cheater Juno and the bright blue jacket of our protagonist.

While learning about this movie, I learned they built multiple cave pieces and simply rearranged them to give the appearance of a new cave system. This was genius and very few times in the movie, if any, did I specifically notice a reused set piece. Maybe it's a personal issue but I didn't like that the movie never took the opportunity to give us any idea about the space the girls were in. Maybe it was to add to the special confusion or due to the lack of a map but I would of loved some more sweeping cave shots or anything to establish just a few more wider areas they were in. The audience didn't know where any areas were in relation to other areas so the whole thing felt like a blind person in a maze. Interesting but ultimately makes the audience give up on understanding the space the characters are in which can lead to it, like me, no longer caring if our characters are picking the right or wrong direction.

Part of the issue is based in the fact that although I wanted all the girls to survive, because Rebecca, Beth and Sam are all basically nothing characters with no establishment of personality or emotional investment, you don't feel sad when they die. They, like many many slasher victims before them, feel like meat bags there to increase party size and increase body counts and Rebecca's and Sam's deaths(especially Rebecca's) just feel kills to add the run time and tie up a loose end. Holly's death is brutal and befits the awesome character she was, Beth's was an incident of accident then purposement to show that Juno's ego and fear of looking lesser can end fatally and Sam's was just awesome and one I've never seen before. The brutality of her death in trying to kill something she knows just killed her just to save her friends. The image of a climber just hanging by their ropes with a slit throat in the middle of a cavern is an awesome image. Rebecca just got yanked back and eviscerated mostly off screen. Pretty boring tbh.

Now we get to address the titular moment of Juno accidentally stabbing Beth. I loved this moment. Juno's frozen response, Beth's cries for Juno not to leave her, Juno ultimately choosing to save her own life by running away and lieing about it. However, ultimately, I didn't really... Hit for me. This is supposed to show a "darkening of Juno's soul" and supposed to take the fact she was cheating with Paul, Sarah's husband, and really hammer home that Juno is a shitty person. However, it's as if the story completely forgot that Beth's stabbing was an accident. She didn't intentionally stab Beth, she thought Beth was a crawler. Should she of lied about stabbing her? No but in that situation, where people are so freaked out and scared they could make stupid split second decisions? I would lie about involuntary manslaughter too. It seems the story agrees with me but is more angry with Juno for leaving Beth to die alone. However, again, the story forgets itself and ignores the fact that Juno literally hears crawlers around them, is watching her friend presumably bleed out (and beth should have died there realistically. There's no way Beth would of had enough life to later speak, with an entire hole in her neck, to sarah) and just fought a crawler in very intense hand to hand combat. Would I wanna be there for a friend? Yep. But I'm not gonna die trying to stay by your side in your final moments. I would of ran too.

And yet, Juno is later ATTACKED for doing that. Choosing to save her own life and not play sentimentals to a dieing person who can't speak and get ripped apart and eaten by vicious little rabid falmers bought off wish. Juno is a shitty person, not only for putting them in this situation but also for cheating with a friend's husband. But the whole friend group is also shitty cause they all literally knew she was before Paul died and after and still didn't tell Sarah. Rebecca litterally makes a comment, staring at Juno, saying they all lost something in that crash. None of them thought to tell Sarah! Not until they were litterally dieing or unable to! Juno did not deserve to get an ice axe in her leg and abandoned for the crime of... Abandoning a dead friend instead of dieing beside her needlessly. Not the cheating. Not the involuntary manslaughter. The abandonment. Of a dead person. Huh????

Of course I have to talk about Sarah's transformation from crying, scared and scarred protagonist to badass Carrie looking motherfucker. Dose she look awesome? Yuh but NGL I don't feel like it's fully earned. She did almost nothing this whole movie till the very end when she had that chat with Beth and kicked the ass of like 3 crawlers max. Badass? Yes but if this had come just 20 minutes sooner in the movie, I would of been just a bit more behind it. Small improvement. No matter, the ending with her rising out of a bloody puddle, the climb up the bone ramp and emerging above ground with a labored and emotional gasp were amazing. Good cinematography, good lighting, amazing depth and I deeply enjoyed it. It felt earned.

Small splinter to talk about the general environment and the crawlers before I end this, as someone from Appalachia, I did enjoy this movie's portrayal of it appearance wise. It was gorgeous and I felt like it definitely captured the woodsy areas of it well. It definitely felt like it was missing our giant hills and mountains though and looked like it was more filmed at the foot hills around Virginia rather than deep central Appalachia. You can also tell this wasn't made by an Appalachian because Appalachia covers over 737,000 miles of land, 15 states and gose everywhere from maine to Alabama to Tennessee to Ohio. It covers most of the eastern seaboard of the US. Just pick a state please cause this is so much land. It also suffers from grungy-movie-made-in-the-earily-2000s in that everything is blue and looks like twilight. Gloomy and dead. Regardless,I did enjoy the look of the movie and the realistic appearance it attempted. The caves were ok. Many times I could tell they weren't real and they were made to be moved around but for what they were attempting, I could fool myself for it's run time. The crawlers, being primarily practical, looked good enough. You can tell they didnt cheap out or anything but you could also tell they were benefiting from the dark environment. The way they moved sometimes was abit corny, they like I mentioned earlier just look like falmer with the face shape and chunkier version of golem from the transphobic wizard series. Honestly I could take them or leave them. Good enough but definitely could be better. My suggestion is mostly in that I wish they were a little less human like and their bodies being a little thinner and spindley-er. Not nessesarily rake like but more tik tok mlp infection au type beat. They were ok. Good even. but nothin I would really praise.

I'll rapid fire some criticisms I had: the soundtrack was barely noticeable, the cgi sucked but I could understand why it needed to be used, some cuts/shots were a bit wonky, why did they say piss in every 3rd sentence in the first half of the movie, the necklace felt like kinda a cop out, I wish we had more hallucinations (especially if the first two hallucinations we see from Sarah are supposed to shove a potential unreliable narrator red herring towards the audience), i wish we would of gotten some lore about what the crawlers were, some acting definitely fell flat for me, some scenes carried on too long(the car talking scene), some scenes were a little to overplayed (2 angles is enough, can we get some establishing shots please??) and the extended ending was a bit too bleak(I can see why it was decanonized by the second movie).

Rapid fire praises: dialogue was witty enough to be funny but not cringey, why is there so much sapphic eye fucking during the pack-to-go-to-the-caves scenes??, holly is gay and the writers knew it and that's why they made her want a ton of kids later in life you can't convince me she's not at least bisexual, the first scene with Juno and Paul was an amazing first nod, the cast was cute but could of been better written , the skull shovel was funny, the crazy car driving was a fun nod to show Sarah letting loose and I thoroughly enjoyed that the movie did not shy away from brutality and gore. It was very enjoyable.

All in all, I enjoyed this movie and all it gave me. It's really a shame that the descent 2 ended up being such a terrible movie that it took all that made the first movie good and just rehashed it. I would of loved to have a period movie that showed who put that original climbing equipment there. Maybe some pioneers with a smart local native guide who intentionally tried to get them killed? Some good yummy lore? Really anything else. I won't count that movie's failure towards the rating of this one though so just pretend TD2 doesn't exist 😘 again, very good and i would suggest it to others. Just probably not best for a new horror fan or someone whose squeamish around blood and gore and a little violence. Great for someone pretty familiar with the genre but you don't need a deep cut life long fan to appreciate it.

8/10 sinks!

This one was pretty much everything!

[youcouldtouchfire]

i have complicated feelings over this show. mostly i dont want to be in it. it makes me feel worthless and disconnected from my friends. i can't say i have come home from a rehearsal not crying in my car. i don't like being a part of it and however maybe irrational it is, i feel like no one wants me here either. i keep waiting to feel better about going but i don't. i don't know why it's like this. the way i feel is an insane overreaction to everything. i know it's illogical and so inconvenient to feel like this and still i do. i was hoping id miss the first read because i knew id hate seeing my friends so excited and id feel bad that i couldn't relate. i was out with friends when the cast list came out and Isabelle called her mom and i sat in a bathroom because i didn't want anyone to see me cry over something as unimportant as this. i know i can't quit because i couldn't explain it to my friends or family. my parents would be pissed if they thought i gave up because i wasn't good enough which i know is really just the core of the issue. it's hard to finally reach the point where you have to acknowledge all that you aren't, especially when that's all You've wanted for years. i have ambitions and talents for after high school but if im honest with myself i know that if i was a skilled singer id be going into theater, and that's what i really always wanted. i would do this professionally if i was good enough but im not and it sucks that im not good enough to even be a lead at my high school, let alone a real community theater around here. it's not anyone's fault but i feel like this is the final nail in the coffin for a dream i didn't realize i hadn't given up on until this. i don't have the time or the money to get really good at it in time before im done in highschool. it sucks that this is my favorite thing in the world and i work so hard and i feel like it amounts to nothing and no one cares. i sort of feel like im not good enough and that all of the hard work and time i put in doesn't matter because im bad at it all. i feel like it doesn't matter that i took on five leads in the play or scheduled extra rehearsal time for speech or did all state and all state camps or volunteer for everything i possibly can or do as many speech groups as possible, i feel like it'll never matter and ill never be able to be in even the same sentence as "lead role". it's hard to deal with a loss that big when i know it's not because im unreliable or not dedicated to this program. ive been told that i am important to this and im reliable and i "lead by example" so when im aware that i know that's not the issue, it's hard to not feel like it's a skill thing. i just wish someone would tell me to stop hoping though.

i know im not supposed to compare myself to Isabelle and aj but it's not fair that i get treated differently than them. i can remember multiple times when isabelle is given compliments while im standing right next to her and no one ever says anything to me. last year at variety show vasey told Isabelle her solo act was incredible but she didn't say anything to me, who had a solo act that same night. i was standing shoulder to shoulder with her.

i don't know why people treat us differently. i wish they didn't. i feel worthless in comparison to her because regardless of the intentions people pay her compliments they don't pay to me, and they like her more than they like me. i remember this stuff and i just wish i didn't.

i keep waiting for some reason to stay. i don't know why I won't quit when it makes me as upset as it does.