#i had work the past three days
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Just wanted to apologise for the current silence gwahahah we DO see your asks and you have many and they are all good and smart and lovely and i want to answer them all so so much GWAHAHAH i've just been a little busy but !! i'll answer them as soon as I can <3
In the meantime? have a bonus Pizzahead drawing
#i had work the past three days#and remembered about some#non-pizza tower related wips that i wanna finish#but i see your asks !!!#tryna be more organised about answering them#also like.#been drawing up some ref sheets?#i'll post those when i can#and draw for each shown character and stuff#and i should probs also practice future characters so that#they dont look awkward or odd or inconsistent the first few times i draw them#like. i feel the inconsistency may be unavoidable but i'll try my best to ensure they dont look Wildly different every time#i've got Some responses written out though#and some drafts for the art to go with#i have a tendency towards trying to answer multiple at a time though#oops.#i'll get through them though !!#i hope you guys enjoy#im excited to respond to these <3#and i hope you guys find the answers enjoyable <3#not-plot#~mod abbey !!#i'll hope to get answers out either tomorrow or the day after GAHAHAH#if not answers then at LEAST the ref sheets for current characters
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I made my post about Dean Highbottom and then as I was writing my tags realised that his Hunger Games counterpart is Haymitch. and now my head is in my hands and I don’t think I’ll ever recover
#IM GOING TO CRY. I am part of the system I never wanted anything to do with it#I killed so many people without laying a hand on them. I never ever asked for this. I tried to say no. my hands are still bloody.#both turned to drugs to cope. both had a mentee who reminded them of someone they hated so much#(snow reminded the dean of his old friend. katniss reminded haymitch of himself)#both knew exactly how the games worked and all of its consequences because one made it and the other lived it#both lived in the shadows of the past and never really got out from it#but in the end one of them chose to be cruel to the children who they were asked to mentor#and the other loved even when it was killing him#god. twenty three years and they never managed to drown the fire out of him. his heart broke again and again#but he held onto those shards even as they made his hands bleed. and then one day two children appeared and pieced it back together#and some of it was missing and always would be. you can’t undo twenty three years of alcoholism and pain and grief and self loathing#but a lot of it was still there. far more than he ever even believed could have survived#Haymitch I love youuuuuuuuu I will always love you#and Dean Highbottom you were kinda cringe and lame. guynobody ass bitch. do better#haymitch abernathy#dean highbottom#thg#the hunger games#a ballad of songbirds and snakes#abosas
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FMK: Shepherds of Haven
Here's the wheel of spinning!
Note 1: I didn't include Mimir or Neon since they're both aroace and it felt wrong to me to put them in the running when "fuck" is an option. Yes, not all aces are sex repulsed, but since I don't know their stance on it, I decided to error on the side of caution.
Note 2: If you land on "A Faceless Lord", you get to pick which one! (Pretend this is me being magnanimous instead of getting tired and not wanting to look up how to spell all their names to add them individually, lol!)
#there are characters not in the public demo but if you follow the ShoH tumblr you've seen all of them mentioned already#so it's not really spoilery if you were worried about that#I've seen like four or five of these in the last few days and most of them were for media I wasn't that familiar with#so why not make one where I do know all the characters well and can make an informed choice?#btw when I spun I got Moonsilk lol#so I went with the secret fourth option (which in this case would be “I never want to be anywhere near her”)#shepherds of haven#shoh#I've had a migraine for the past three days and feel like a zombie today while trying to recover but sure I need to make a silly poll#don't ask me how my brain works because I don't know
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Megumi is brought to beautiful rooms like this to suffer
may or may not be obsessed with @lyrebirdswrites' fic slaughterhouse it's been living in my head absolutely rent-free and I wanted to pay it homage <3
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#jjk fanart#fushiguro megumi#itadori yuuji#itafushi#megumi x yuji#tw blood/#tw body horror/#tw snakes/#spent the past three days in a Haze working on this nonstop thats how u know its a good one#not my vegetarian me googling butcher hooks n hanging meat look away mr fbi agent#ANYWAY TH FIC. vampire itafushi. delish.#the setting the dialogue the Vampires...MWAH#thank u for the FOOD i will graciously eat my meal#gory opulence.....truly an aes#i messaged finn asking if i could draw fr her fic expecting to just do a victorian outfit piece or smth#had the idea to have megumi Lounge and that turned into an ornate throneroom somehow#blacked out midway through idk tbh :'>
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surprise art attack!!! here’s @deityofhearts ‘s cashmere, everyone’s favorite whimsical tiefling
#pose taken directly from the kikuomiku4 album cover bc i’ve been listening to UFO on repeat for idk how many days now#finally gave me the inspiration i needed to do something like this it’s like both sad and super whimsical#actually tbh it gives me more wishful vibes now that i think about it but 1. idk what wishful looks like and 2. cashmere design my beloved#kikuo just in general has a lot of whimsysad and/or fundark which is why i love him#tbh ufo has quickly shot up to one of my fave songs it’s the iconic accordion and the tempo being unstable in places#uh anyway ignore me being a kikuo nerd again#wahhh this was fun to work on it has consumed me these past three days#jumping up and down hehehehehe#glad i finally cut to the ‘it’s done *collapses*’ stage of the arting process bc i’ve been having trouble finishing pieces lately#man i WISH i could come up with poses this good on my own. idc i’m still proud of this#my art#ok yeah i just got the time total. 12 hours#i knew it would be a long time but i didn’t think that long#tbh a lot of that was spent inefficiently bc i kept having to resize the image up when i realized the pixels were too crunchy#and when you make an image bigger the lines get blurry so then you have to redo them. yeah i had to do that TWICE. like a dummy.#12 hours used to be like par for the course for me but i’ve finally gotten faster. or maybe i’ve just stopped doing as many full figures#lol
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resignation letter is the most potent painkiller. i love you resignation letter i love you one month notice <3
#tmi but im regular again and literally the only change is because i've been eating enough to shit daily#i was in such a bad headspace these past few months that i could barely bring myself to eat#i'd go to sleep with my work uniform still on and wake up willing myself to get up for 30 mins and then brushing my teeth and going to work#with the same clothes i slept in#i stopped hanging out with my friends. i had nightmares abt my job.#i can only take care of myself on my days' off and i cant grok anything other than shallow entertainment like wrestling#everything else is too much for my brain to handle. i'd simply forget everything i read or play or even listen to#those three months are miserable lmao#its not just my job... its also the family issues i've been dealing with#yknow remember when i said i could have died? yeah that shit was real. fuckin love it when my mom admit my dad have the capacity to be a#family annihilator. but... since my dad have a job to keep him busy and we moved to a house where me and my sister and#my mom and dad get to have our own rooms... and my dad get to live near his old friends and family...#things have been getting better. usually we had a physical fight every two months but it hasnt happened yet and i seem to get on with him#better now. so... i guess im gonna be okay. i've been so tired and trapped#stuck between two places that are both physically and emotionally draining with no reprieve#things are changing. and i find that to be comforting despite how up in the air the future might be. i might be screwed but also? what if#i'll be fine? im at a point where im accepting any drastic changes even if its for the worse#funny how i used to like my job a lot. i guess im not to be comfortable with anything long term#posts about my life
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Okay, here is my detailed analysis of the symbolism in Michael J. Sullivan’s, “Disappearance of Winter’s Daughter” that no one asked for, because here’s the thing. This book is chalk full of symbolism, mainly concerning unicorns, polka dots, stray dogs, cats, and one very special knife, all of which point toward hope, and more specifically the hope that Royce and Hadrian have because of each other.
So, unicorns represent hope. This is established both in the initial conversation about them and when Royce puts unicorns, Hadrian, and Alverstone in the same category, with Alverstone having been explicitly stated to be hope earlier in the book. Royce and Hadrian both call each other unicorns over the course of the story, so they are quite literally each other’s hope.
Hadrian presents an anomaly to the worldview Royce previously held where everyone looks out for themselves and those who don’t look out for themselves wind up dead, because Hadrian is good and honorable and somehow very much not dead. To Royce, good and evil in the cosmic sense are random, and survival is a perfectly reasonable justification for doing evil to others. In the moment that Royce compares Hadrian to a unicorn, it is because he feels he has been sabotaged by Hadrian’s ideas and worldview in his own actions all night, and is aggravated because they are working. But the thing is, just because he believes the world is cruel and that survival is the goal, doesn’t mean he actually thinks that’s a good world to live in, and Hadrian has shown him that maybe, just maybe, there is a world out there where justice exists, and even if he doesn’t fully believe it, that it could exist gives some meaning to life.
When Hadrian calls Royce a unicorn, Royce is quite literally his only hope for survival, but I think it’s also deeper than that, because of cats. Royce is compared to a cat quite often, and in this book there is an expanded metaphor to a cat when he is about to kill someone, who he notably doesn’t kill in part because of Hadrian running interference. Later, Hadrian thinks that, “cats were picky, untrusting things. Being fragile, they had to be. Whenever a cat sat on him, Hadrian felt special, as if the animal approved, and their acceptance was some sort of gift. Makes a body feel worthy of something to have a cat trust you that much.” And also, “Cats don’t sleep on monsters, do they?” From another conversation they have about his time in Callis, we know that Hadrian actually thinks of himself as a worse murderer than Royce, who he himself has called a monster. Royce may think he’s too saintly for his own good, but Hadrian doesn’t think of himself that way, which is why Royce is the cat on his lap and therefore his unicorn. Royce doesn’t trust anyone, but he trusts Hadrian, so Hadrian is able to believe, or hope, that maybe, just maybe, he could be more than a monster.
This all comes back to the polka dots. Because Hadrian is kind to Royce, or “wears polka dots,” as it were, Royce thinks he is a kind person (though he usually uses the word stupid), and places trust in him, which also results in his being kind (in the big picture sense) to Hadrian because he doesn’t want to lose the one person he can trust. This unintentionally promotes Hadrian’s world view that kindness is mirrored back, and that how you treat others changes how you yourself are treated. So not only are they each other’s hope, but together, between the two of them and a few select others (such as Gwen), they are creating a world where unicorns exist.
This plays well into the idea of the stray dog. They see a couple strays throughout the book, who are compared to Royce and used to emphasize his world view. After all, a stray dog is kicked to the curb and fights for scraps and if it died no one would care, but every time they see a stray, they realize that it is wearing a blue collar, so it is not actually a stray. The fact that the collar is blue, the color of purity (which unicorns are also a symbol of), helps to indicate that the dog belongs to another world, a different, more magical world where it is loved. Royce, whether he realizes or not, also belongs to this world by virtue of being loved by Hadrian and Gwen. It is not insignificant that Gwen is painting the House blue at the beginning of the book, when that is their home base, nor insignificant that she is wearing a blue dress, since to Royce, she is the most pure thing he can imagine.
Which makes me realize that I need another paragraph for Gwen, because she’s part of this too. Even if she is never called a unicorn, we have seen in previous books how she trusts Royce, and believes in Riyria, but also that she does not always think well of herself. The world has beaten her much in the same way it has beaten Hadrian, and though she suffered as the victim rather than the perpetrator, she still struggles with some of the same ideas of self worth. She thinks of herself as a prostitute, as someone no man has ever thought himself unworthy of, yet Royce thinks of her as someone you can’t just kiss, and calls Hadrian insane for even making the suggestion. His respect for her gives her hope, that maybe, just maybe, she really is more than a prostitute, and she in her turn believes in him, becoming another anomaly in his grim worldview just like Hadrian is.
Because Royce trusts Hadrian, and because Hadrian trusts him, and because they both trust Gwen and she them, they are all able to create their own little world where unicorns do exist, where there is hope, because they are able to afford it with someone who loves them. None of them are strays or monsters in the eyes of the others, they are all unicorns, and because someone else believes in them, they are able to have hope for themselves.
#riyria#riyria chronicles#riyria spoilers#hadrian blackwater#royce melborn#gwendolyn delancey#royce x gwen#hope#friendship#it's so beautiful#the way it all works toward one central theme is brilliant#and I'm not normal about it#Also I am so sorry to anyone who follows me for anything else#this is all I've been able to think about for the past three days and I had to tell SOMEONE
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Y’all ever get frustrated with yourself wondering why you can’t just be normal and enjoy social/friendly dog breeds because life would be so much easier if you did
#I had it in my head that maybe I’d enjoy a lab one day#I’ve been staying with three labs for the past few days and I am sooooo overstimulated#so I think that breed is out#one is more calm/mellow about affection but the other two are intense#they’re all working bird dogs and they’re really cool in that respect… I wish I naturally enjoyed the breed more :(
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Am I the dummie who has been wondering why she has been fighting a migraine all week while simultaneously devouring books on a tiny old phone with a speed she hasn't reached since she was 12?
Yeah. Eyestrain is real folks. I've swapped over to my paper white, which I've had the whole time, just didn't think to use for some reason sksksks
#in my defence the books I'm reading are very bingeable#i actually paid for a month of KU past the trial (shock horror) while i ride this trashy book phase out 😂#sometimes you just want to read a book where you don't need to think much#or three#I've gotten through 600 words this weekend#and i uh don't really skim#i'm an immersive reader - I'm slower because I'm watching the whole thing play out#so this is FAST for me#and the eyestrain is real 😂#such a dummy!! this wasn't rocket science!#but I stare at screens all day anyway#the tiny phone screen wasn't working for me#the last time i had a migraine was because of bg3......... where i played it the same amount of hours as my fulltime job.....#but honestly I'll happily take this over the insane migraines i got at my last job where my vision fucked up because of stress#and burn out ahahahaha#this is why i switched to audio books for a while but i'm so picky about narrators and the pacing#plus this is. trashy fiction. 😂#i'll return from this rabbit hole soon....#tbd
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wahoo besties it's been a rough week but i got a cat today AND the dodgers won the NLDS and move on to the NLCS! great end to the week!
#rachel speaks#i called out sick twice this week bc i haven't been sleeping well at all#and even now i've been yawning like non stop#and it's not even 11 and i didn't get up until 10#plus a bunch of low blood sugars#so my body is exhausted#and the dodgers kept losing when i was watching so that was disappointing#but they came back! and they won!#and i got a cat!#a goal of mine for the past three years!#so life is better now#and i have a three day weekend bc of indigineous people's day#although i do have girl scout work tomorrow#but that'll be fine#also that's why i haven't been on here much i've just been so exhausted and working 12+ hour days recently and i just haven't#had the energy to scroll and look at things
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me, the coyote who's just gotten out of the leg trap after five months: man, why do i feel so fucking bad about everything this week?
#del gets personal#five fucking months#i was suicidal! there were days i had Thoughts!#and now im like 'man why do i feel so shitty after class which kidna sucks right now'#im up liek three hours past my bedtime. ive made some mistakes tonight lmao#tbc im like safe and stuff. im just up way way too late for havign work in the morning#just fucking. theres no way to talk about [thoughts] about Five Months In The Shop without it sounding like a sob story#and i dont think il lget any actual useful advice from anyone in person. i think they will tell me to get therapy or suck it up.#already been told the second one several times in several ways by several people#anyway i need to go to bed now. three hours late.
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Recent game related things .. hrmm...
#I do like the inconsistency of the first map. that is actually something older but that I re-found and added to my Game Reference stuff#so that when characters reference where they're from I can be accurate. I like that the whole map is kind of shifted up that way. Where the#actual south part doesnt even count as the south since its Too Far and Scary lol. and if you say you're from 'the north' thats basically#like.. one single continent. Though some people do make distinctions like 'north midlands' or etc. still. I like the ways that common#language isn't always precisely accurate like that. and thinking about why a culture would classify things a certain way or etc. etc.#The inventory page is so funny to me because it's literally just the BASe like.. sample layout just to make sure it works properly with 0#actual design into it. just colored rectangles thrown together in MS paint. but what if I like... left it like that.. what if all the other#art in the game and UI is like stylized and fully matching BUT the inventory/journal/etc. screens I just left as plain colored blocks#with random misalignments and black spots and etc gjhbhjj... It looks unfinished in a Funny Contrast way to me.#the wordcounts are just like... my past few days of writing.. I am still not getting 2200 words a day done or whatever I needed. I'm lucky#if it's even half of that .... tee hee.. :3c I do also keep having appointments and other things going on but..grrr...#The full map of the area is probably not necessary but I thought it would be more realisitc if people were able to reference things. Like i#you have people all living in a city area probably at some point someone might mention a neighboring city or some landmark nearby#or etc. so I thought having at least the basic names of what's around for reference would be sensible. A side character mentioning#'oh yeah I don't live here full time I just travel from Marisene sometimes' or whatever makes it seem more like a Real#Fleshed Out Place than people just making vague references like 'the river' or 'i come from a city nearby' or 'i went to a place somewhere#around here' or 'the other city' or etc. lol.. Especially since global cities/global areas are weird as they operate almost like an#independent country within their walls. so it's like a micro country inside of another country usually. just plopped down in some agreed#upon plot of land that won't be too disruptive to the main country around it. That could get very complex depending on the cultural and#political backdrop of where they're placed (though obviously they try to choose the 'easiest' areas possible for it). Asen is a very mild#country without much history of conflict or anything so it's fine. But still interesting that Sifeh and the entire branched out global area#border three other districts of Asen. Which means like 3 times the local representitives you'l have to negotiate with for some major change#or anything. I think one of the 'random characters you can find around the world and have short discussions with just to make the area#feel more populated and real even though theyre not actual important npcs' is going to be a guy who actually serves on the council that#handles running the global areas and he's like.. some perpetually exhausted middle aged elf running around with a clipboard or whatever#ANYWAY...... hrgh... still trying to write when I can....#I WISH so badly that I had the scope for a simple character creation menu and all character interactions would allot for the background#of your player character. And also to have a simple day night cycle where places in the world you explore/people you talk to during the day#have new options or dialogue at night.. BUT alas... I already am so behind on everything as is lol.. aughhh... T o T#As the worlds number one Needless Detail And Complexity Enjoyer i must dilligently prevent myself from adding additional complexity
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everyone pray for me that i did not just give myself food poisoning (;・∀・)
#i may have made a bad decision with the meat i cooked shdjdkl BUT I THINK IT'LL BE FINE#it was past the date on the packaging but it didnt smell or look or feel off at all so . i decided to risk it#and now im panicking bc i think perhaps that was actually rly stupid fhdkdl#but it was. so much money. i had no idea the date was so soon on the package when i got it from mum#I would've frozen it if I'd known dhdksl i should've looked#alas !!! i think it'll be fine tbh bc it genuinely did not seem spoiled at all so ... now we just pray#i had a fairly small serving of it and I'll see how i feel to figure out if the rest of it is safe to eat or not#im just fhdjdkl crying a little rn bc the past two days have been so awful and im so tired#i rly dont want to get sick on top of everything else going on#i would like one thing to go well fjdkdl just like. one thing. this feels like divine punishment for having the old lady group go so well#im just kind of losing my mind rn i think actually fhfkdl i have a therapy/counseling appt on monday though so we'll see if that helps#i do not have high hopes fjfkdl#MANNNN. can the universe give me a break PLEASE. I've been trying so hard the past three weeks to do well 😭😭#im putting in so much work and effort fhdksl can i PLEASE have this one thing go okay djdksl i do not want to get sick !!!#if i do get sick then im just. hhhhh. idk djdkdl it's just one more thing to add to my pile of Bad ig djdkdl what can ya do djdkdl#i am going to pull myself together and stop crying and go play stardew maybe idk fjdkdl i feel like im starting to crack a little bit#augh. augh. i would love to catch a break djdkdl#dandy.cmd#vent //
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I snapped today at work, and by snapped I mean I politely commented on a help desk ticket by summing up an mess of an (type of) issue that's come up for at least the fourth time in the 2+ months I've been managing user accounts, and asked the person responsible to fix it (himself for once) because last time I fixed his mess-up it took me two whole days to work out the details with at least four other colleagues from different departments and I really don't want to do it again. there's other shit that needs doing, I've been working 10+ hour days for most of this week already, so I need to cut down not add on more.
(good thing tho - at least we managed to fix the issue where the dataset of a newer employee got mixed up with another one of the same name and therefore wasn't able to apply for any of the access/accounts she needed. technically not entirely my area but it does impact us not being allowed to create an account for her so I figured I might as well track that issue down. took three days and at least three other people, but hey - it should all work out now. yay for that)
#been feeling anxious af ever since bc it's the first time I've been this firm in a reply and idk how they'll take it#there's underlying issues in inter-departmental communication that need fixing that cause these issues to happen again and again#but my boss is on parental leave and his substitute is sick not that she cares or is up for doing her job where communication is concerned#so there's no real sense in addressing that rn esp by me who's only been there since June. but it does frustrate me a lot#anyway. I'm sure I'll get over this too. but yeah.. ppl not thinking things through for the two mins it takes to create an account#or the twenty seconds it takes to check if one already exists before creating a new one#or the minute it takes to check if folks still have an active contract past their time working in your department before deleting an accoun#just jfc. put in a smidge of effort and five mins total and save the rest of us from spending half a day to fix your mistake#oh well. if I get a pissy response I'll just blame it on being new as an intern and being too motivated and idealistic I guess#god forbid I expect people to do their jobs thoroughly or with at least a singular thought..#anyway. I feel like I'm allowed to be grumpy abt this since we are the folks who end up having to fix this shit#and by we I mean pretty much mostly me at this point bc one colleague is sick atm. my boss barely has time for this and is on leave#and my other colleague only works half time so I'm the one who's been handling most of these over the past month or so#which.. is still insane considering how I'm a goddamn intern who shouldn't even have admin rights tbh#but without them I couldn't do anything at all lol so here I am. nice that they trust and believe in me I suppose#that's why I try to do my best. (who am I kidding that's always the case anyway)#but yeah. definitely a 50% staff support job and only 50% of the other important things that need doing rn it's more like 90/10#and it's funny how I still dread my two hours of hotline. but every time the line is too busy I still jump in#we are also only 6 people atm out of 10 and three of us are still in training. and one of the trained folks had to come back in mid time of#next week we'll likely be 4#depending on if our substitute boss lady is back.. not that I'd look forward to it. she's a mess and she's been horrible to deal with latel#sure. she's stressed. but she's either snapping at me when I ask abt shit I can't know yet or she's ignoring me. great basis for team work.#so honestly I'd rather she not return on Monday. esp not if she's gonna spread her germs everywhere#but now sleep. sorry for the rant. it's certainly been quite the month since I returned from my own wisdom tooth rated sick leave..#gotta be up again in 6.5 hrs so I can be at work at 6 to let the electrician in. I'm gonna sleep so hard over the weekend I stg#a day in the life of..
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Annoyed at work (what else is new), I'm tired of being the hypercompetent one. I want to be the one who just gets to decide not to do things, to slack off, to pretend not to know how to do something so it's not my problem to deal with. Because I get to handle all of my problems, PLUS the problems of every other person in the clinic. Yes, I like to help, but not when it's 3 people feeding their tedious problems to me to deal with, with ZERO consideration for what I'm already working on. They don't even stop to ask if I can help anymore, or if I'm busy (I always am, unless I physically remove myself from our shared space to vent post like I am now.) They just chuck their problem at me and get super surprised and deer-in-the-headlights when I tell them I can't help them right now and to try to figure it out themselves.
#bro my coworker has been watching YouTube videos on his phone for the past 10 minutes maybe get HIM to do it#fuck all the way off I'm so fucking tired#it's been like this non-stop since i got back from vacation#at least the last three days i was TRAINING somebody so she had an excuse to not know things!#work stuff
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my sister changed her profile pic from some pro-cop bs to trump 2024
she's got FAS and is very much a parrot (she copies what she hears around her. i.e being shit to my mom bc my dad is. he's been the biggest influence the last year as they were kinda stuck in the same room together) unintentionally so i know it's most likely that spending time around my dad when he watches the news is the culprit-
but that doesn't make me feel less angry and lowkey betrayed by it
and i can't say anything about it
#i am one of two (2) democrats in my immediate family#it was three (3) but my uncle passed a few years ago#i'm not sure where my little brother stands now but i do know he has voted republican before#bc he cried to my mom that everyone on his floor at college was hating on him and being mean and stuff#which is understandable of them. my literal brother in christ you are a black man#but i know my family can be an influence on him at times so idk if he was just voting how he was told to or what and he might have a#different / better stance now. but my other brothers (eldest aside) and my sister are just Like That#my parents too. my mom isn't stuck by political party - she's voted dem in the past - but idk where the fuck she stands currently#that's gonna be the biggest and most painful betrayal if she goes rep this year. i cant even pretend it won't be#why am i awake at 5:45 AM thinking about this?? s top#i had to cancel my doctors app. for this morning bc i can already tell it's probably gonna be a Day for my brain and i need to save my#mental effort for getting to and through work tonight#and i don't feel great#as if i needed more problems#maison speaks
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