#i had the energy to be social literally up until i crossed state lines

[alchemylive]

can i go back in time and ask nat from last year how they managed to be so extroverted because i cannot do this. they really set present me up for failure lol

[rbbalmung]

Pokemon SwSh GPL AU: Character Analysis P2

Hey all! I was going to call this “Gym Leader Analysis”, but I really wanted to talk about Leon and Sonia too. We’re just keeping this series going! Keep an eye out for P3 (It’ll probably be posted in the same night).

LEON:

AGE: 26

ETHNICITY: Half Hispanic, Half Black

GENERAL HEADCANNONS:

Leon is definitely cool uncle friend. I know he is a hot mess and can barely look after himself, but I just feel like he is so good at taking care of other people. 

Leon is a man of many faces. He can pump up a crowd one moment and rid his face of emotion the next. It is definitely jarring when someone first gets to know him. 

Leon is pansexual. He pretty much flirts with anyone (within his age range, of course). That being said, he isn’t out to the public yet. He isn’t ashamed of it at all; he just doesn’t want his sexuality to be the only thing he’s known for. 

Speaking of flirting, there is nobody he flirts harder with than Raihan ;) 

Leon was 12 when his dad died, and it hit him really hard. Since the rest of his family took it even harder than he did, he internalised a lot of his pain and focused on trying to help raise Hop. He doesn’t really feel like he ever got the closure he needed. 

Oh boy, is Leon protective over Hop. There is a 10 year age difference between them, so he will always feel like Hop is his “Baby Brother”. 

(Fun fact: He develops a similar relationship to Gloria when he becomes her Champion Mentor). 

Leon is a bit of an adrenaline junkie. He doesn’t really process the fact that some of the things he deals with are incredibly dangerous, which is a bit concerning to his friends. On a more lighthearted note, this means that he will ride any roller coaster without breaking a sweat. 

Cannot cook to save his life. 

Leon, like Hop, has ADD. That’s why he’s always getting lost/seems to have trouble keeping focus. 

SONIA:

AGE: 26

ETHNICITY: White

GENERAL HEADCANNONS:

Sonia is the smartest out of our gaggle of characters and she knows it. 

She and Leon entered the GPL together, but she dropped out before going to Hammerlock. Sonia originally joined the league thinking it was something she wanted to do because she was good at pokemon battles, but she quickly learned that the rigorous lifestyle trainers live wasn’t for her. 

Sonia had an uncertain period of her life where her best friends had all become gym leaders and she was stuck in Wedgehurst helping her grandmother. She definitely had imposter syndrome when hanging around them, so for a few years, she kept her distance. Attending University really helped her start to find her footing, though she wasn’t sure what branch of pokemon studies she wanted to focus on (until the game starts). 

She has a strong pokemon team, but she doesn’t fight with them anymore. She mostly keeps them around for company and they help her with her research! 

Sonia is super close with Hop. After becoming champion, Leon asked her to keep an eye on him. They very much have a sibling relationship (though neither will admit it). 

She is the friend that is overly invested in everyone’s love lives. Sonia is constantly trying to set everyone up together because she “just loves love”. 

RAIHAN:

AGE: 25

ETHNICITY: Black

GENERAL HEADCANNONS:

Tall boy! Raihan is freaking huge, and being around everyone else in the League only heightens this fact. He jokes that the one thing he will always hold over Leon is their height difference. 

You would think Sonia is the biggest gossip, but we all know that Raihan is. You can trust him if it’s something serious, but you have to preface that. If you don’t, you may as well kiss your secrets goodbye. 

Raihan is the best person to go to when you need help. He has big Gryffindor energy and will literally do anything you need him to. If he doesn’t, you just have to call him out for “being a coward”. His pride will definitely be the death of him. 

Raihan has the biggest social media presence despite not being champion. He is really good to his fans and will try to interact with them as much as possible. Will always sign autographs or stop to take a picture. 

He met Sonia, Leon, and Nessa through the GPL (they were all in the same season). He beat out Nessa but lost to Leon in the finals. Raihan took the defeat pretty hard and made it his goal to dethrone Leon, so he fought Hammerlocke’s previous gym leader and the rest is history. 

He really wants to impress Leon ;)

Bede once challenged his for his throne, but lost. Raihan always brings this up to him now that they’re both gym leaders just to piss Bede off. 

He really likes egging on his friends. Raihan never crosses the line, but he’ll say just the right thing to make you challenge him to a pokemon battle. 

Puts on a brave face, but definitely lets negative comments get to him.

The chaotic one in the friend group. 

PIERS:

AGE: 22

ETHNICITY: White

GENERAL HEADCANNONS:

Such a pure, soft boy. Literally the nicest, chillest person. He just scares people off with his edgy demeanour. 

He cares a lot about the people in his town. Since Spikemuth is small, it definitely feels like everyone there is a family. It was the main reason he refused to move the Dark Type Gym to a different location to obtain a Dynamax hotspot. (That, and he hates Dynamaxing). 

Speaking of, he is fairly new as a gym leader! Leon nominated him to participate in the GPL after noticing his raw talent in the GJPL (Galarian Junior Pokemon League). Piers didn’t expect to make it as far as he did, but he was truly the dark horse of his season. He made it all the way to finals and wiped the floor with the gym leaders he went up against. He did end up losing, but he used the newfound fame he received from participating to kickstart his band.

Two years later, Leon approached him again and asked if he was still interested in becoming a new gym leader. It started as a small, non league Gym, but his notoriety quickly gained Spikemuth new attention. He joined the League only one year after debuting. 

Despite being crazy talented at being a pokemon trainer, Piers really isn’t interested in it anymore. He likes the freedom that comes with pursuing his music career. (It definitely helped that his little sister shaped up to be an astounding pokemon trainer herself). 

Coolest big brother ever. Marnie chastises him for pampering her, but they are definitely best friends. They’re the type of siblings that, if one of them goes to the grocery store, the other will just tag along. 

Dad Friend. 100% a Dad Friend. Literally adopts Marnie’s friends the second he sees them. (Who are these twerps? Ok, I guess they’re my children now). Would never admit to this fact. 

Vegan. 

Piers and Marnie grew up in an artsy family with three other brothers (he is the exact middle child). They weren’t rich, but they are all super close and supportive of each other. 

NESSA:

AGE: 25

ETHNICITY: Black

GENERAL HEADCANNONS:

Looks are definitely deceiving with this one. Nessa is good at keeping a serene face, but if she loses, she is definitely seething underneath. 

So pretty, oh my god. She was scouted by a modelling agent during her GPL season. Nessa only signed after she lost the Finals Tournament. Her career started as something to keep food on the table now that she couldn’t become champion, but she has grown to respect her craft. She likes to use it to promote small businesses and make political statements. 

Nessa was trained by the previous gym leader of Hulbury (another water type trainer), so it was no surprise to anybody when she tried to hand their title off to her. Nessa refused to take it without winning a pokemon battle, fair and square. 

She is super athletic! Nessa was on the swimming team throughout school and won several region championships! Sometimes during the off season, she’ll help teach swim classes to younger kids. 

Best friends to lovers with Sonia! They met during their GPL but didn’t start to get romantic feelings towards each other until 6 years later. Everyone knows that Nessa has a girlfriend, but she keeps the fact that it is Sonia private because she doesn’t want the crazy fanboys to target her. 

Nessa takes on a big-sister-role to all of the new female gym leaders (Gloria, Marnie, and Bea). She and Melody will literally strike down anyone who even looks at their girls funny. 

Her relationship with Milo is hilarious to anyone who isn’t them. Nessa is convinced that they are rivals and must constantly train against each other in order to get stronger. Milo sees her as his best friend and will bake her treats for when they meet up. (Also, Kabu is their dad. I’m just stating facts). 

[legobiwan]

Whumptober #2

“pick who dies”

Notes: This got out of control. I was going to add an Obi-wan + Anakin section but I had to cut myself off as I do have other things I need to get to today. This is less whump than...a set of pretentious character studies with THE LINEAGE (including Rael) and an excuse to explore the trolley problem within a Star Wars setting. I blame my recent Hannibal obsession for what you see below. First part here, rest under the cut. Note, I am a musician, not a philosophy student, so allow for some creative interpretation here. 

General Whumptober tag

Whumptober 2020 #1

~~~~~~~

(excerpt from “The Padawan’s Guide to Philosophy.” Eds. Masters Thrife-Foran & Ugaaalich. 616th e. Coruscant, 940 ARR. Holobook.)

Premise:

You are out for an afternoon walk in the outer regions of Thymilla, a moderately-populated city on the planet Ungar. On your walk, you pass by a set of hovertrain tracks, which branch into two separate arms - one an extension of the main track, the other a smaller offshoot which leads to a cargo loading zone, about fifty clicks south of where you are. (Diagram 3)

As a hovertrain approaches from the north, you hear screaming, the words of the driver becoming clearer as the hovertrain barrels towards the switch. The brakes of the train have failed and there is no chance of repair. If the train continues on its current path, it will kill five workers making repairs on the track. If you pull a switch, the hovertrain will divert to the offshoot, where it will kill one worker at the cargo loading zone.

Because of an anomaly in Ungar’s atmosphere, you cannot access the Force.

Do you pull the switch or do nothing and allow the train to speed forward?

~~~~~~~

“Your thoughts, Padawan.”

Dooku shifted on his meditation pod, the firm material groaning as he uncrossed his legs from the lotus position, gingerly setting both his bare feet to the cool, tiled floor of his Master’s chambers. The young man allowed himself a small wince with the action. Yoda might have been able to keep that damnable position for hours, probably days on end, but Dooku was just a few months shy of his eighteenth life day, and another recent growth spurt seemingly focused all on his legs made sitting for any long amount of time…uncomfortable, to say the least.

Which was likely why Yoda had had him trapped him here for the past three hours, running through one ethical thought experiment after the other, poking his literal and metaphorical gimmer stick precisely at each gnarled and swollen joint in both his body and thoughts.

To act - to pull the switch - would mean to commit premeditated murder, even if it were for the greater good. Hardly a Jedi-like action. But then again, they had been taught - indoctrinated, really - with the idea that is was acceptable to sacrifice one life for the lives of many. A supposedly fair trade-off, although Dooku had seen enough of the Jedi’s relationship to the Senate, had seen enough of the Council’s internal politics, to know that two lives did not necessarily hold equal weight.

But to not act - to let the train barrel through, to leave it up to the will of the Force...Dooku clenched his teeth. That seemed more in line with the Order he was coming to know, was consistent with the Council’s lack of action on Protobranch, when Sifo-Diyas had seen the calamity that was to befall the planet and yet the Council, his Master, had done too little, too late, preferring to allow events to transpire as they would, the Jedi only impassive bystanders.

What was the point of their abilities, their training, their place in the universe, if they weren’t able to change the course of events for the better?

“I suppose,” Dooku began slowly, coming to stand, suddenly not caring if he was maintaining his proper meditation position. The young man padded towards the slightly shuttered windows on the other side of the room.

“I suppose it depends on the relative worth of each life,” he said, turning away from Yoda as to not see the subtle moue of distaste Dooku was certain would cross the old Master’s face.

“Is not all life sacred, Padawan?”

Dooku barely bit back the dark chuckle threatening to escape from his chest. Only in the holos and classrooms and the empty rhetoric of the Council was all life sacred. The Jedi could do so much more, he could do so much more to change the galaxy and yet the Order allowed itself to be chained to politicians, leashed like akk-dogs until receiving command.

No, Dooku thought. There was no balance - not here and not in the Force.

“From the information you’ve provided,” Dooku said, ignoring Yoda’s question. He peered through the slits of the rotor blinds into the watery illumination of Coruscant’s night sky. The dome of the Senate building rose through the rain like an oddly-shaped umbrella, shielding those in power with its wide beadth. “We can assume both parties of victims are of equal social standing, being manual laborers. Because of this, we must find other ways of determining their worth, their ability to enact change in the galaxy.”

Dooku clasped his hands behind his back, daring to turn to face his Master’s displeasure.

“The question becomes whether you want to hold sway over the transit network of a forgettable city, or the imports and exports that may go off-world. Exports which might include valuable resources or even smuggled goods. Items which could affect the governance of our imagined city and therefore, by extension, an even larger part of the populace.”

“Which is why, in this case,” Dooku concluded, his posture straightening, “I would choose to allow the hovertrain to continue its course and save the cargo worker.”

Yoda folded both claws over his gimmer stick, frowning. After a moment, he let out a small grunt, his features now inscrutable.

“And see yourself as the final arbiter of worth, do you, my young apprentice? Stand you above all others holding a golden scale, you do?”

Don’t we, as Jedi, hold these scales every day and yet choose to ignore them? Dooku thought.

“Someone,” the young man replied, “will make the judgment regardless. Is it not better for the Jedi to use our powers to make such decisions?”

This time Yoda did let out a wet sigh, shaking his head.

“Dangerous, these thoughts are, my Padawan,” Yoda grumbled, gesturing at the meditation pod. “Sit, young Dooku. Much we have to discuss.”

~~~~~~~

“Your thoughts, Rael.”

Rael Averross slung an arm over the back of Dooku’s couch, sleeves of his Master’s borrowed robe hanging long near the tips of his fingers. It had been the third time that month Rael had “misplaced” his own robe, his Master’s foisted upon him in the wee hours of the morning, Dooku grunting something about “Jedi propriety” before shoving Rael out the door. (The things were a damned inconvenience, and made him look like something straight out of a space station ghost story, to boot. Was it so surprising he showed up to Dooku’s quarters in a state which his Master referred to as “half-naked?”)

Rael bit his lip, trying to not think of all the times he had actually been half-naked in the Temple. Those were fun times. Unfortunately, Dooku could probably mind read them out of him right now if he weren’t so concentrated on this thought experiment.

“Why not save them both?” Rael drawled amiably, scratching at the beginnings of a beard with his other hand as he hoped to distract his Master from any hint of his past indiscretions. It was about time, too, he thought. Never going to look my age going around all smooth-faced like a transparisteel window surface.

Dooku gave a small smile. “You cannot, Rael. Those are the rules of the scenario.”

“Rules,” Rael scoffed, picking at the hem of Dooku’s overly-fancy robe before suddenly launching to his feet, unable to contain his restlessness. The younger Jedi paced up and down the length of Dooku’s couch, grateful his usually strict Master was allowing him this indulgence. Not that Dooku had any problem sitting still for what felt like forever - stiff as a board, that one - but Rael was too jittery, too full potential energy to keep his thoughts in neat line with his body. “Rules are meant to be broken, Master,” Rael gave a swift chop with his hand in illustration. “You’re the first one to tell me that.”

Rael heard his Master let out a soft snort in response. Only Dooku could make such a noise sound dignified. “I suppose I did,” the older man answered evenly.

“So there you go! Blow up the train and everyone’s fine.”

“And kill the driver?”

Rael spun to face Dooku, the other man’s eyebrows raised not in condemnation, but genuine interest. It was days like this Rael truly appreciated having Dooku as a Master. Sure, he was as pretentious as any big-city Senator, a hard taskmaster in his lessons, and an even tougher dueling trainer - but at the end of the day, Dooku only expected Rael to follow Dooku’s rules, and not the Order’s.

And as much as Rael chaffed under any collar, he’d take Dooku’s version of the Code over the Council’s any day.

“I mean, the driver is the one in control of the train,” Rael shrugged. “Sure, it’s an accident, but the they were going to be dead either way once they hit those other bodies. Probably would go flying through the window and bash their skull in. This way, you save six lives,” Rael gave his best used speeder salesman grin. “Buy five, get one free.”

That little addition did cause his Master to roll his eyes.

“You are…” Dooku pressed his lips together, sitting back in his chair, crossing one leg over the other. It was as close as Dooku ever got to a casual posture. “Colorful rhetoric aside, you are essentially advocating for pre-emptive action. Very interesting, Rael.”

“Interesting as in,” Rael pulled a sour face, imitating Dooku’s proper Serennian accent, “‘And now I will assign you five Jedi moral precepts to memorize and write a five-page essay about’ or interesting as in ‘I will now have you learn the complete codified law of the Umbargans, whose entire military strategy revolved around non-preemptive attacks.”

Dooku chuckled - actually chuckled - at Rael’s minor impertinent outburst. “Neither, Rael. Although, I must say you have provided me the perfect means by which I may punish you later on.” Damn, dug my own grave with that one, thought Rael. 

“No,” Dooku continued, “I merely find your stance on this matter to be refreshingly…original.”

“You mean the Council wouldn’t approve?”

It took his Master a full minute to answer, his gaze shifting beyond Rael, beyond the confines of their shared quarters, Dooku seeming lost in some memory.

“Hardly,” he finally said. “And that is for the best.”

~~~~~~~

“Your thoughts, Padawan?”

Qui-gon Jinn sat motionless on the small patch of grass, listening to the susurrations of the light breeze in the Room of a Thousand Fountains finger through a nearby thicket of Borto reeds. Across from him, Master Dooku sat in a mirrored pose, long legs crossed over the other in the lotus position, expression unreadable, his presence in the Force - or, his effect on the Force presence on the vegetation around him - one of controlled expectancy, a single blade of grass erect and ready despite the buffeting winds.

“We shouldn’t have to choose, Master,” Qui-gon replied, trying to steady his own uneven thoughts and emotions. Although he had been Dooku’s Padawan for almost five years now, Qui-gon still found himself worrying his responses to thought experiments like these would not pass his Master’s high and stringent intellectual standards.

“In an ideal world, Qui-gon, we wouldn’t. But as you have learned - as I have shown you - the status quo rarely measures up to our ideals.”

The status quo, Qui-gon thought. Code for the Senate, for the Council, for the Republic at large. That much he had figured out, had learned from Rael, whose ability to translate Dooku’s sometimes opaque rhetoric to something more digestible never ceased to amaze Qui-gon.

The status quo. The more years he spent with Dooku - with Rael, when the younger man was around - the more Qui-gon understood. Perhaps he always had a predilection to question, to challenge what was “known,” the dictums etched in stone handed down from the Council to the Council’s Masters to its Padawans. But with Dooku’s guidance, and with his own exploration of the Jedi prophecies, Qui-gon had developed his own sense of right and wrong, of how the galaxy ought to work in consonance with the ideals of the Jedi Code and his own moral compass.

“In that case, I would ask the Force for guidance,” Qui-gon replied, thoughts slipping back to the many hours he had spent in the Archives, poring over ancient holocrons. The Force had provided for the seers of old, why shouldn’t it provide now?

“Perhaps the Force cannot provide all the answers,” Dooku countered, as if reading his mind.

Qui-gon frowned, tilting his head. “Is that not what the Jedi teach, Master? What you teach? To follow the Force?”

“To a degree,” Dooku assented, rare amusement curling the side of his lips. “But the Jedi work in symbiosis with the Force, and even that is within a certain self-imposed definition of what the Force may or may not be capable of.”

Self-imposed definition? Qui-gon ran his hands through the soft grass at his sides, no longer able to keep that perfect stillness now that Dooku had so upset his equilibrium. Had his study of the prophecies not proven that exact point? That the Jedi of now no longer regarded the Force with as open a mind those of millennia ago?

“The Force is more infinite, has more potentialities than the confines of what we could possibly hope to study in a thousand lifetimes,” Qui-gon hedged.

“And so you hope to use prophecy to save these doomed beings?” Dooku retorted with a small wave of his hand. Ah yes, the hovertrain problem, Qui-gon grimaced. He had almost quite forgotten about the whole reason for this conversation.

“I would hope to…” Qui-gon cocked his head, watching a pair of butterflies flutter over a Byrsonima crassifolia, fragile leaves fluttering in their wake. An action - or a lack of action. If he saved one life or saved five. What would the repercussions be? How could he know he was making the right choice? How could the Order know, if not for guidance from the Force, in all its possible iterations?

And yet, the study prophecy of was considered at best, an esoteric hobby - at worst, a dangerous arm of mysticism by much of the Council.

Which is why your Master encourages you to think beyond the dictates of the Council, Qui-gon concluded.

“Yes, then,” Qui-gon stated, suddenly more confident in his answers. “I would hope to ameliorate the situation by using a similar mindset of the prophets. One of openness, wonder, and possibility - to find my way in this situation.”

“And just how far would you be willing to take supposed,” Dooku trained him with an enigmatic expression, “openness?” The word weighed heavy with implication.

Qui-gon started. What exactly is Dooku trying to get at here? Hadn’t it been his Master who had introduced him to the prophecies, to the Force beyond the dictates of the Code? So far, Dooku had not steered him wrong, and yet just as the nearby Byrsonima crassifolia cast a long shadow over the open grass, so did Dooku’s unspoken entreaty.

But before Qui-gon could cobble together an answer, Dooku seemed to break out of his trance, chuckling slightly as he got to his feet. He extended a long arm to Qui-gon, who took it without hesitation, coming to stand at his Master’s side.

“Meditate on the answer, Qui-gon. For now, I believe it is past time for dinner.”

~~~~~~~

“Your thoughts, Padawan.”

Obi-wan Kenobi shifted in the overly-large, overly-plush velvet chair which threatened to swallow him whole. He and Qui-gon had been dispatched to Barstovia, a little-known desert mining planet in the Mid-Rim. A simple mission, really, overseeing a trade deal between Barstovia and Ord Mantell, opening up some shipping lines of the rare fermenium mineral to the Republic. A wholly forgettable mission, if Obi-wan were being honest, except for the fact the diminutive race of Barstovia seemed to prize, of all the unlikely things, oversized, over-upholstered furniture.

While Obi-wan struggled with a crimson throw pillow the size of his torso, his master, Qui-gon Jinn, sat across from him, perfectly serene in his eight-foot tall, royal blue armchair.

“Well, Master,” Obi-wan said, words strained as he punched the pillow to his side with un-Jedi-like ferocity. Of all times for Qui-gon to pull out a thought experiment.

“The prevailing wisdom would say to sacrifice one life to save five - a utilitarian outlook and the most practical, at least on the surface.” Obi-wan pushed down on the seat of his chair, trying in vain to straighten his posture, to lend his answer some form of credence beyond his words. Inevitably, Qui-gon would hold the exact opposite opinion from Obi-wan’s, and while Obi-wan had often kept his feelings to himself under the guise of “picking his battles,” he preferred to express his thoughts while at least looking the part of an almost eighteen-year-old Padawan, and not some child stuck in a chair too large for him.  He struck at the recalcitrant cushion one last time. “But as Jedi, we often prioritize a single being or beings if they hold an important role.” 

“In the short-term,” Obi-wan grimaced suddenly, pulling an impossible second pillow from under his right thigh, “we would lose four lives over one, granted. But in the long-term, that single life lost might mean the eventual deaths of hundreds, perhaps thousands.”

“But you do not have this information, Padawan,” Qui-gon replied, a crease of annoyance in his brow. Obi-wan noted there was no accompanying crease in the cushion of his Master’s chair. “All you know is the number of beings.”

Obi-wan bit down on a caustic reply. Yes, I know that, Master. I hadn’t gotten to my point yet. But when did Qui-gon actually ever listen to him?

“Yes, Master, this is true,” the younger Jedi answered, Obi-wan impressed with the evenness of his own response despite his increasing irritation. “Which is why I would endeavor to save them all.”

A beat. a raised eyebrow coupled with a subtle sigh. “Quite the feat, Obi-wan,” Qui-gon finally said, his words laced with skepticism. “How would you accomplish such a thing?”

How in the world is he not drowning in that chair? Obi-wan thought, distracted by his Master’s impenetrability, despite the audacious situation. There was Qui-gon, halfway across the room, composed and neat - well, as neat as Qui-gon ever got - against the regal backdrop of the humorously-sized chair while Obi-wan floundered in a sea of crimson, just out of his Master’s reach.

And wasn’t that the perfect metaphor for their troubled partnership?

Obi-wan wiped at his brow. “It’s quite simple, Master. The hovertrain could be diverted, or at least impeded by a third party inserting themselves into the equation.”

Something in Qui-gon’s expression shifted at the statement, earlier annoyance now melting into something closer to concern. The older man leaned forward in his chair, for the first time exhibiting a pang of discomfort as he battled the voluminous material.

“And who might that be?” Qui-gon asked, batting at the tsunami of beige woven blanket at his side.

“Myself, of course.”

Dead silence met Obi-wan’s words.

Wrong answer, Kenobi. Absolutely the wrong answer. Disappointment was written all over Qui-gon’s body language, even emanating from his usually controlled Force signature. Obi-wan fell back into the chair, not bothering to fight the dunes and valleys of velvet threatening to overtake him, averting his gaze to some preposterously-sized side-table and vase. Hopefully, his failure to provide the correct response would be the end of this increasingly uncomfortable conversation. Qui-gon would assign him some reading and meditation, and let the matter rest until they returned to Coruscant.

But Qui-gon only peered at Obi-wan with a piercing stare, apparently not ready to give up on the exchange.

“You would sacrifice yourself to save the others?”

Obi-wan found himself mirroring his master’s movements.

“Isn’t that what it means to be a Jedi?” he asked, genuinely perplexed. “We are servants of the Republic, of the Force - if our actions can save lives so that Republic may continue in peace - “ Obi-wan’s mouth opened and closed, trying to form the words that would express his devotion to the Order, the Code, his own sense of honor - but found himself gaping like an Ithorian cuttlefish.

Once again, Qui-gon fell into contemplation, back arching against tall, bulbous pillows, brushing his mustache with a single finger. A minute, then two went by, the only sound the clicks of a nearby chrono. Over eighteen feet tall, the clicks sounded more like the steps of a lurking gundark than a timepiece, doing nothing for Obi-wan’s nerves.

Finally, Qui-gon broke the uncomfortable semi-silence. “Don’t be so hasty to throw away your own life, Padawan. As you rightly said, the death of a monarch may cause the deaths of many others down the road. But you cannot know how many lives would remain unsaved if you were to treat your own so lightly.”

Obi-wan’s eyebrows rose. That had not been the reaction he was expecting.

“But how am I to know when that sacrifice is necessary?” he asked automatically. Obi-wan would make that sacrifice gladly, although...to be perfectly honest, he would prefer not to die as a seventeen-year-old Padawan. 

“The better question is how you can work to reach a more productive option rather than coming to such a dire conclusion.” Qui-gon’s voice softened. “I am serious, Obi-wan. You have much to offer the galaxy. Don’t let your strict adherence to Jedi ideals extinguish your star too early. Not only would the Republic be at a loss, but…” Qui-gon looked away, staring down at some invisible pattern in the corner of the room. “I would, as well.”

Obi-wan’s mouth dropped open. “Master, I - “

“Ah, Master Jedi!” A new voice squeaked from the gargantuan entranceway. “Thank you so much for waiting,” proclaimed the three-foot Minister of Commerce, Parhary Hatch, bedecked in a long, flowery robe whose velvet train stretched back several feet. “Please, if you would,” he gestured towards the tall archway.

“Yes, of course, Minister Hatch,” Qui-gon replied in his diplomatic voice, jumping neatly off the chair, his landing as elegant as a Coruscanti ice skater.

Obi-wan frowned, joining his Master in a slightly less dignified, but no less effective maneuver. They had been on the verge of…something, some kind of understanding, or at least a truce. Whatever words had remained unsaid between would likely stay so, the moment gone, the trip back to Coruscant, and then to a Hutt outpost taking priority over these types of conversations.

Another time, then, Obi-wan sighed to himself, following the slinking violet trail of the Bartovian minister and his Master into the long corridors of the palace.

[arcticdementor]

Many on our side see an analogy between our current situation and the closing days of the Roman Republic. I myself wish this was so; fighting for Caesar is far more attractive a prospect than the alternative. But there is an alternate historical analogy, which I consider even slightly more likely; that we are not in the latter days of the Roman Republic, but the Roman Empire.

And moreover, we are not Rome but Carthage. Germany (very ironically) was Rome; this land-empire with its military traditions and its two wars against the Anglo-American thalassocracy being precisely analogous to the Punic wars; America is to England what Carthage was to Phoenicia. In our case, the necessity of high technology to effectively wage war lent a vast advantage to the sea-power with uncontested control of global supply lines. Rome itself even realized the importance of contesting Carthaginian naval dominance, and in the first Punic War endured titanic losses until they could beat Carthage on the seas; Germany did not have the will, or the ability, to do so, and thus lost.

Imagine Hannibal, returning victorious from a Rome burned to the ground and scattered into the Tiber, assassinated by a cabal of Carthaginian priests, who not only proceed to institutionalize their massive informal authority over Carthage itself, but wage a crusade to spread the worship of Moloch over all the known world, and you have a picture of what occurred in America shortly before and directly after the Second World War. Because we are not waiting for Caesar; we have had our Caesar, the difference being that, as a priest of an evil religion, he did not replace a corrupt and decadent republic with based military autocracy, but with the sinister rule of a caste of Gnostic managerialists caught in a holiness spiral.

Under Franklin Delano Roosevelt the forms of the old Republic continued, but their content had been hollowed out. The opinions of the property-holding white man, the original (though expansive) patrician class of the Old Republic, became politically irrelevant; the opinions of the priestly apparatus of educated bureaucrats and “experts” installed by Roosevelt would inescapably begin to dictate policy. Of course, FDR already crossed the Rubicon, not in running for a third and fourth term, but in attaching the unconstitutional priestly apparatus to the levers of American power.

…

In the final decades of Rome, barbarian kings used weak emperors as puppets, using the Roman imperial form as a thin cloak for the same style of governance that served the Germanic tribes in the Black Forest. Likewise, the imperial-bureaucratic forms instituted by FDR are being themselves hollowed out by barbarians. We are not totally there yet, but Indian caste-nepotism, “BIPOC” racial revanchism, and Chinese managerialism are working their way into the theocratic power apparatus of the Left. Eventually, academia, journalism, the three-letter-agency, and the HR department, will be entirely skin-suited. Some time later, just as the barbarian kings of Rome did, the skin-suit will be cast off, the puppet disposed of, and these three main currents of barbarism will feud and war openly with each other over the ruins.

Because we are Carthage, and not Rome, these struggles have, and are, taking the form of ideological disputes rather than hot civil war. The power struggles of priests, of course, spill over eventually into hot civil war, but this is my main explanation for why, unlike Rome, we did not experience frequent and bloody civil wars over the occupancy of the throne. We have, of course, experienced multiple ideological civil wars, with last decade’s holiness overthrown by Current Year holiness.

Sounds pretty bleak. But in Rome, we can count several figures of latter days with the will and honor to attempt restoration. They failed, but it is not up to me to judge whether or not such an enterprise will always fail. Trump is one such figure, and his problem is a lack of loyalists, just as Majorian and Aurelian were betrayed. But Trump is no conquering general; Rome had, even in late times, an existing tradition of blood and honor that could produce great men. We do not have such a tradition; our priesthood has ensured the destruction of all such “aristocratic” enclaves that can breed reaction; especially in the case of the military, whose upper ranks are staffed entirely by priests loyal to the regime. Mutiny is always possible, but mutinies need leaders. The great warriors and intellectuals of our times are leading lives of pure obscurity, for our society is remarkably efficient at promoting affable mediocrities (a necessity when the claims of the priesthood are lies from head to tail) and divesting the energies of the competent into atomic and meaningless pursuits. The fat neckbeard arguing on internet forums over Star Wars canon is a frustrated theologian; the skinny geek optimizing strategies for competitive videogaming a frustrated military officer.

Everything in our society is fake and gay, and even people showing glimmers of greatness or competence have been faggotized. And it is not as though such people are even curable, by and large. For such exacting and laser-focused men, it is necessary that they be bred and raised with a sense of civic duty, to cultivate their will-to-power and the confidence it takes to rule. That is what I meant when I spoke of a “tradition of blood and honor”; it is not necessarily even military, for the WASP elite of the American East coast had these aristocratic traditions for diplomacy and civil service, even if put to evil ends.

To find who will take power after the fall, we must look for bastions of incipient elites. The BIPOC coalition is too retarded, generally speaking, to rule anything. (BIPOC itself being a new designation meant to separate dumb and holy subhumans from competent east asians and high-caste indians) However, the BIPOCs are conspicuously holier than anybody else in the left’s eschatology. If they end up in charge, we are looking at the Cambodian autogenocide or Mao’s Great Leap Forward on an even greater scale, ending as Haiti ended unless stopped by a Stalin. In Haiti, by the way, and here I am speaking to the lesbian mulatta commissar reading this in horror, they killed and literally ate the mulattoes after they were through with the whites, a fact that should make you just a little bit uneasy about your future.

I consider it unlikely that the Chinese faction will come out on top. East Asians are already having their POC status revoked, hence the new “BIPOC”, and they’re still licking inner party boot. But supposing that the Chinese turn America into one big Toronto, life under our Judeo-HAPA mandarins will probably be materially safer and better for the Amerikaner than it is currently. On the flip side, he will be reduced to an entirely fellaheen existence as social and moral decay continues unabated. I like greatness, and this state of affairs would seem to me grotesque and intolerable.

The Indians have a decent shot, being able to hide behind the dumber and less competent members of their race. The high-caste Indian, however, is perfectly content to live on top of a festering heap of human and literal garbage; in fact, he probably feels a great unease in a society that does not look like the great slums pouring their filth into the Ganges, and will strive to recreate his homeland in his conquered land.

The castizo future is another option; the problem is a lack of castizos. Most latinos settled in the US are of low human quality; the whiter and smarter latinos back home tend to stay home, because they are in charge. However, the Cuban exile community in Florida is one to keep an eye on, for they are not only generally aligned with the values of civilization, but are an actual elite, collectively kicked out of Cuba, and an actual community, that has the potential for cohesion. Like at home, they have an imperial multiracial identity that brings along their swarthier cousins as allies and footsoldiers.

Finally we come to the Amerikaner, but the Amerikaner has no elite class; in fact, he never did. Trump is their representative, but they have no loyalists to send him, and the cultivation of an aristocracy from their ranks is his greatest necessity if he wins. In our Rome-Carthage analogy, the victory of the Amerikaner represents itself a barbarian conquest, a revolt by a janissary people, subjugated long ago, that has since fought the wars of the evil priests. (Carthage itself was notorious for using janissaries) Though it will wear the garment of FDR’s Empire, it would in content be a far older form of rule, a ghost of the frontier and the West, the clannish politics of the small town (and I say that with respect) elevated to a grandiose scale.

[najatheangel]

Hi~! Can I have a written ship for ateez, bts, and nct 127 please? I’m 21 years old, American, 5’4, Gemini, and I have green eyes. I’m very shy and awkward at first, but I’m more talkative, bubbly, weird, and feisty once you get to know me. I’m also a little moody and lazy at times 🥴. I’m going to school to be a vet tech (love animals) and I love taking naps. I enjoy sweets, soft/cuddly stuff, and trashy tv shows. I prefer to stay inside than go out to have fun, but I do enjoy shopping. Thank you so much! 🤗

Hii sweet pea🌸🌸, thanks for requesting. You sound like a sweetheart. I also appreciate your patience here’s your ship...

From Ateez, I ship you with...Seongwha

Positive Side: An adorable little duo. First of all Aries and Gemini’s are total couple material. There’s very strong communication and strong personalities that can handle each other. So both of your shells would open fast once you meet each other and at that point, the attachment becomes stronger as your days together goes by. Although Seongwha can be the more aggressive one in the relationship, it’s only because he’s a lot more passionate and excited about how things will start to develop in your relationship. Dates together are very soft! Since you both can be lazy at times, you both love to binge watch your favorite movies, dramas and tv shows together all day and have discussions in between every episode. His reactions to every app always makes you laugh because there so over the top. When you try to cuddle close to him, he would try to push you away acting like he didn’t like it at first, but then a second later he would pull you back close to him caressing the top of your head. He would be so supportive of your vet tech career and will be motivating you every step of the way.

Negative Side: As a team, it’s hard for the both of you to follow through with finishing a task/project without the other person. You both have this habit where you tend to procrastinate very easily by taking long naps, talking to your friends or even scrolling through social media. It’s understandable because your both working hard to take your careers to the next level but sometimes it can be hard to keep up with deadlines. For example, one day Seongwha would have to have an extra day exstension for not learning the choreography all because he was hanging out with his friends. In the case with you, you could miss one quiz one night because you stayed up all night watching Boys over Flowers.

But...: You both don’t let this happen all the time, especially when it all depends on your future. If it’s a goal you really want to accomplish or finish something your really interested in, your going to dedicate all the the time and put in effort in order to complete it. Once the job is done it’s back to the normal routine which doesn’t mean it’s necessarily a bad thing. When both of you complete your goals, you reward each other by going shopping or going out on a ice cream date. That’s the best part about this relationship, celebrating each other’s proud moments.

Uggh my gahd, stop it your too cute. 😭✨

From Bts, I ship you with...Jungkook

Positive Side: This bunny boy would love you in ways nobody else has shown you in a long time. At first it took sometime for you two to open up because of how shy, quiet and awkward you two can be when meeting each other, but he wanted you to feel comfortable by breaking his shell out as you were the one opening up to him first. Jungkook just follows your lead in the beginning when it comes to having conversations and even hanging out with him. After awhile, he just knew in his heart he wanted to be with you and worked for it until you accepted his confession. Jungkook loves exploring when it comes to trying new sweet spots with you. If you wanted a pound of chocolate chip edible cookie dough, he would get it for you. Also when your shopping with him to help him get his stage outfits for the next concert is a time where you both get silly chasing each other in and out the dressing room. Also you hyping each other up when getting each other’s hair done. “Wow look at my scrumptious blueberry. I love the blue hair on you.” He looks to the side blushing ruffling his hair. “I could say the same about you. They did amazing with your highlights.” Lastly, he would be there for you the whole time throughout your time finishing school. In a sense, he knows what it feels like to handle the pressure of graduating while practing as sn idol at a young age. He would give you words of encouragement and even right messages on sticky notes in your notebook every do it can boosts your energy.

Negative Side: Your both homey people which works out for the best, but out of the both of you, Jungkook is the more adventurous one. It’s expected that he’s more energetic because of his busy schedule and being an idol. Whenever he tries to ask you some days if you want to come along with him to go to the beach with him and the members or even try to tag you along with him to his next performance, your schedules wouldn’t line up or you were tired from working all day and just wanted to get some sleep. The both of you feel upset whenever you can’t see each other those days, but the you know that you have to finish your jobs for the day.

But...: Once a special occasion comes up such as a date, anniversary or a holiday comes up, you both plan months ahead to dedicate that time off. Once you get the approval to spend time with each other, it’s just makes your whole day. If it doesn’t ever work out, you guys still find time to FaceTime from your locations, you even decide to have fun with it. One time you had decided to do a FaceTime dinner date where you both dressed fancy and ordered the same food from different hotels. “The steak tastes so delicious babe. Thanks for recommending it to me.” “It’s no problem. I always know what you like. You look stunning in that dress baby.” The both of you blush at the amount of compliments you give each other and chat the whole night until you go to sleep.

From NCT 127, I ship you with...Haechan

Positive Side: Y’all would have a love-hate relationship. When y’all first meet, from the jump he would be dying to get to know you asking you all kinds of questions, but that’s because he wanted you to open out of your shell. Once y’all got to know each a lot better and become best friends, get ready for this man to tease you nonstop. He would jokingly try to push your bottons by making fun of how you eat soup, the way you walk in heels, literally anything and that’s when you both bicker back in forth coming for each other’s throats. After awhile, you both start developing feelings and it was awkward because the both of you were trying not to make it too obvious, but once you finally confess to each other it was a beautiful moment that you both can cherish. Not much changed in your relationship at that point it was more like best friends doing romantic things. He would drag you along everywhere whenever him and his 127 members travel around different states not giving a care in the world who was gossiping about the two of you. You also have chill dates where you’d sneak into each other’s rooms helping you study for school or watching movies all night long, but y’all would be distracted either way by play fighting or making out under the covers. Since both your moods change fast, it makes sense that this is your routine, but you both wouldn’t ever wanted things to change.

Negative Side: In the beginning, Haechan would sometimes go a little to far getting on your nerves bothering you constantly. One time you were tired from class and had to redo a paper from one of your English classes and all of a sudden Haechan was already on a ten dancing baby shark sexily in front of you. At first you were laughing and told him to stop, but then that turned to hours of silliness which led to missing your deadline to your paper. Even sometimes when he roasts you infront of the members, it turns into a big blowout with you both ignoring each other for days. “You know what Haechan you play too much and I’ve really had enough of your games. Your sleeping on the couch tonight.” “Fine by me, you snore too much anyway.” Snatches your pillow from you and slams the door. “I swear, he’s such a child..”

But...: The members couldn’t stand how gloomy you two were around each other and put you two in a private room to work out your differences. It was hard at first because your constant arguing. Once you both realize how hard you were on each other, you both made up and started to learn when not to cross the line with hurting each other’s feelings. He’s never going to stop messing with you, because that’s how he shows his form of love for you. What’s even better is that Haechan can be the best boyfriend at the same time being your number 1 supporter, teddy bear, best friend and lover.

Out of everyone, I ship you the most with...Jungkook ⭐️

@ermbabyel I hope you liked your ship and feel free to request again anytime in the future.

[quixotic-writer]

Does it Scare You At All?

Song inspo: Ribs — Lorde

Both Bailey and Q have held their tongues for years about their repressed feelings for the other for fear of losing the other’s close friendship they’ve built up since freshman year of high-school. But during a college party and a couple of drinks, emotions fall out unfiltered.

———————————————————

The music was so loud they could barely hear their own thoughts running through their minds. They danced without a care in the world, bathing in the colorful lights of a cheap disco ball thanks to the help of some alcohol inside the red solo cups that are held with care. The bounce and twirl laughing as they try their best not to spill anything on the carpet. There was a noticeable spark between them that no one could deny but themselves.

“I’ve known her since high school, we’re just best friends. We’ll never be anything more.” Was the answer Q always had retorted with whenever his band of friends decided it’d be funny to tease him about it. The interrogation about his feelings for Bailey was growing old. While he won’t deny the small level of feelings that he had brewing since meeting her in the high school improv club, he held back and pushed it all down because he felt as though it was a threshold he wasn’t allowed to cross. He always saw her and thought she deserved someone better than him. He tried dating others, but every girl he had dated, it didn’t feel genuine and things wouldn’t last very long. He knew deep down he wanted Bailey, but he didn’t want to destroy the bond he had built with her already.

On the other end of things: Bailey just could never bring herself to say anything. She never once denied the feelings, only her ability to speak them out. Every time she seemed close and comfortable to finally being open, she seemed to find his hands intertwined with another girl. She also knew him well enough to know the patterns of his relationships, she’s been there for each one of his break ups. Every time he said the same thing: it didn’t feel like love. She feared falling victim to the phrase she so often heard, so she never said anything and showed no signs of anything more being hidden underneath. The statement perplexed her and made it feel as though she didn’t know him as well as she thought she did. She bit her tongue, showing him support through everything as she turned down the volume of all of her roaring thoughts and rampant emotions.

They danced through their denial, standing at the edge of the fine line they silently wished to cross like a high-wire. Bailey looks at Q, his lips are moving but she doesn’t hear a thing coming out of them. The only thing she could hear is the intrusive thought in her head that was heightened because of the alcohol in her system saying “kiss him.”

“I’m gonna grab another cup of punch, do you want me to grab you some?” Q raises his voice a little louder over the booming music making Bailey snap back down to earth after being off in the space of her subconsciousness.

“I’ve had more than enough to drink tonight, thanks though, Quinn!” She smiles to him. He shrugs his shoulders and disappears into the sea of sweaty, loud college students. She continues swaying to the music all by herself and her mind begins racing again.

As she begins to reflect on how the night is going, she starts realizing she knows absolutely no one at this party. The only reason she came out to the party was because of Q. She knew he had a tendency to do stupid shit when he had too much to drink, so she came to make sure he didn’t do anything he would regret. She looks over to the drinks table to spot him out and sees him talking to that conventionally pretty red head girl he talked about sometimes that was in his english 100 class. A twinge of anger fills Bailey for a moment until it subsides to just an aching heart.

“Why don’t you just tell him!” Joe sporadically asked Bailey the million dollar question mere days ago as you both sat in the campus coffee shop. All she could do was cover her face in shame. “What’s holding you back? You tell him literally everything else and you guys talk and hang out like you’re already dating.” He had a point. Bailey plays around with her empty coffee cup, rolling it between the palms of her hands searching for the right string of words to convey properly what’s on her mind.

“I just don’t want that dynamic we have to go away, what if he doesn’t feel the same and something goes wrong?” She dreaded the idea of Q being weirded out by her emotions, what if he started closing her off and eventually just stopped being her friend?

“And what if it goes right? You don’t know until you shoot your shot, the worst answer you can get is he doesn’t want to date you. Besides if he drops you as a friend, he’s an idiot. Point blank. He’s an idiot already, but that will be a new level of stupid for Q.” That was very straight forward, but Bailey had never thought about things working out. Things had so often gone awry that she was so quick to jump to negativity and never took a moment to imagine the good that could come out of a scenario. “Besides why should unshared romantic feelings change your platonic feelings? You obviously care and look out for each other.” Joe sits back and takes a well deserved bite of a cannoli.

“Joe, when did you become so insightful?” She says shaking her head and chuckling.

“Must be the coffee and cannolis kicking in.” they both let out giggles and the thoughts continued to loom around Bailey’s head.

She looks at Q and sees how engrossed he is in the conversation, the way he’s looking at her and vice versa made her almost sick. Maybe tonight just wasn’t her night, maybe she’s had too much to drink, maybe just both. She took a deep breath and decided that her night was over. Suddenly, blue lights shine through the window of the house illuminating the room making everyone’s head turn.

“THE PIGS ARE HERE! SCATTER!” Some kid yelled to the swarm of people of which 75% of them are underage drinking, including Bailey and Q. Panic sunk into her veins and Bailey felt herself freeze, watching with wide eyes as everyone clamors and runs to flee the scene. She felt a hand grab her arm amidst the chaos and starts dragging her out the front door, her feet tried carrying her as fast as she could to keep up with whoever saved her from her catatonic state. Amidst the blue lights she looked next to her to see Q was the one that had grabbed her and she felt her heart flutter as he looked back to her.

“You froze like a deer in the headlights! You scared me for a second.” Q says loudly as they continue running down the street. Soon enough, they felt as though they made a safe enough distance where they could slow their pace and start walking again to catch their breath. “Y’know for a couple’a drunk idiots, we ran pretty fast and didn’t fall ONCE!” Q cackles out loud and Bailey snickers and snorts at the comment and she realized exactly how buzzed she’s really feeling. Bailey was a giggly get-real-about-your-feelings type of drunk, Q was a sloppy drunk but thankfully hadn’t had too much to drink tonight or at least not enough to make him act stupid.

“I really am drunk aren’t I?” She starts laughing even harder and Q can’t help but follow in suit because she can’t stop snorting. She hated when she snorted but Q couldn’t get enough of it, it was always his daily mission to get her to laugh so hard she snorted just so he could her it. So whenever they were together, he’d play up his antics and get her to laugh. Nothing made him happier than seeing her happy.

They continue walking through the street lamp lit roads and walked into the community park to sit down and really catch their breaths after their 5 minute track star moment. They sit down on the park bench, looking up at the midnight sky as the stars glistened down through the breaks in the clouds taking in the air that had a cold nip to it that slightly stung the outer part of your nostrils.

“You know I wasn’t even gonna go out tonight.” Bailey admits to the boy sitting next to her.

“Why?”

“Not my scene really. I enjoy fun, I enjoy parties, I enjoy a classic solo cup of cheap beer here and there, but after 5 minutes of talking to strangers I feel socially exhausted. I see you socialize effortlessly, I don’t get how you do it. You’re just so charming and you make it all look so easy. I wish I had your ability to just be a seemingly normal human!” She gushes about him without a second thought or hesitation, all her inhibitions are gone and Bailey becomes completely unfiltered.

“I wasn’t really planning on going tonight either honestly. I only went tonight because Sal told me you were going.” Bailey’s eyebrows furrow together in complete confusion and she sits up straight and her head shoots to Q. He went just because she was? But Sal had told her something different.

“Really? I only came out tonight because Sal told me YOU were going.” Q’s facial expression mirrors hers quickly and slowly everything began to piece together, but neither of them was about to point out the obvious.

“Well... That’s.... Strange? Isn’t it?” Q forces a chuckle and he feels his heart rate rise a little. Sal seriously set him up and he couldn’t believe it. Even though he wasn’t even the same vicinity as him, he could already see that stupid smile he wears when he plots something at the expense of others.

“That dumb son of a bitch.” Bailey busts out laughing and was on the verge of tears, this is just such a Sal move that she couldn’t help but laugh. It destroyed the awkward energy that Q was unintentionally putting out, he looked at her and just saw how care free she was about it and felt himself ease up.

“You don’t know until you shoot your shot” Joe’s voice played like a scratched record over and over in her head in that very moment. Now was her chance to be brave and do what she never thought she could.

“So you really came to a party because of me?” Q could feel his heart beating out of his chest, it felt like it could fall out and run wild at any second. He wasn’t quite ready for an emotional confrontation from his long time crush. If it wasn’t so cool outside, guaranteed he would be sweating as well.

“Y-yeah. I did. I wanted to make sure that you’d be okay.” He twiddles his fingers. Bailey notices the nervous fidgets are persistent, that’s when everything became so clear to her.

“That’s really sweet you know. It’s cute that you care about me.” She smiles and places her hand on his. He looks down at the warm hand resting on his, his heart is beating so loud he can hear it and feel it in his ears. His face feels molten hot and he looks at Bailey who has a cheshire cat smile on.

“I, uh. It’s because you’re my best friend! Of course I do things because I care about you.” He tries to brush it off, but things are just too obvious now.

“Is it really just a best friends thing though, Quinn? Because I know for me it isn’t.” She shifts a little closer to him and they lock eyes for just a moment. Q felt as though time stopped and he felt as though he could see through time. What he saw while looking into her eyes: a future he wanted with Bailey.

“I’ve wanted to say it, but I never could.” Q giggles nervously slowly taking her hand in his and it all just felt like what he’s been aching to find for so long. He chews at his bottom lip but there’s no stopping the momentum of emotions they have going. “I really like you Bailey. I have for a while.” The words finally came out. There they were at 1 in the morning in the cool abandon of the dimly lit community park on a bench sitting beneath the stars that sung from heaven, and it felt like a safe haven from the world. It felt as though they had found their own wrinkle in the universe to hide in and truly unmask their hearts from the masquerade they’ve been living.

They look into each others eyes and slowly begin to lean in closer and closer, heads tilting, eyes closed, the warmth of their faces slowly getting hotter and hotter. The moment their lips finally met, Bailey wanted to fall apart or just let out whatever joyous noise she had trapped inside herself. It felt sweet but it tasted like stale beer, neither of them minded though.

The moment they pulled away, they both began to blush and giggle, they both knew the other had been waiting to finally have that moment, they could just feel it in the air and the way that they kissed each other.

“You know I was worried you had a thing for that red head back at the party.”

“Way to ruin a moment Bail.” Q says letting out a deep chuckle. “I don’t know what else to say... but I do have a question: how long have you felt like this?” Q questions Bailey. She rubs her hands on her pants to rid them of the layer of sweat she built up because of her nerves.

“Since high school junior year prom when your date ditched you and you slow danced with me instead.” That night Bailey had never felt happier and comfortable in someone’s arms. Q’s date had gone to get drunk with some other guy and bailed, Bailey was all alone without a date and he had offered her the final dance of the night. It was cheesy and cliché but that night felt like a fairytale. “And what about you mr. ‘I feel comfortable with telling you all my emotions but won’t tell you that I like you’?” Q rubs his hand across his face in shame at the name.

“Uuuh I don’t really know, the feelings have just been there. It’s been like this since senior year. I never said anything because I was scared to ruin our relationship we have now as friends.” Bailey started laughing hysterically and holding on to Q’s shoulders for support as she bent in half cackling. “What’s so funny?”

“I told Gatto the exact same thing when I was talking to him the coffee shop a few days ago. I told him that I didn’t want to lose your friendship! We’re such stupid love struck idiots.” Bailey composed herself enough to get that out before continuing to roll around in laughter after she said what she wanted to.

Q had, in that moment, then realized that all the guys had known about both their feelings but never said anything. Suddenly a lot of memories began to click together and make a little more sense. All the time Murr, Joe, and Sal had always teased them when they were in their own world and their own conversation whenever they hung out. Anything involving pairing up like beer pong, Bailey and Q were always strung together as a team every time. At movies they would always find themselves sitting next to each other. He had thought it was all coincidence, but now he’s realizing the boys had tried to subtly set them up for a while. Funny, the one night none of the boys are around, their wish had finally come true.

“So, here’s the question that I should have asked a while ago: would you like to go on a date somewhere?” Q wrapped his arm around her shoulder and watched as her smile grew.

“I’d want nothing more than just to finally do that.”

“Would you also like to plan the next prank with me on Sal to get him back for this evening’s mess?”

“Oh hell yes!” Bailey exclaimed as ideas of his torture began brewing in her mind.

“Let’s get you back to your dorm then before more weird things start happening.” With that they both got up and started to leave the park, hand in hand, just as they both had always wanted.

[1dreality]

Why The Normalization of Stan Culture is Unhealthy

How a tweet about Ariana Grande made me realize the extent of harm this subculture has done.

Haaniyah Angus

FollowJan 27

The way in which pop culture is consumed in the 2010s is unlike anything else we have witnessed since the dawn of pop culture itself. Social media has created a hyperreality wherein the distance between regular individuals and their idols is slowly shortening, or at least appearing to. This is most obviously seen within ‘stan Twitter’, a section of Twitter dedicated to celebrities even to the most harmful lengths.

I want to make myself clear here: I don’t hate stans or stan Twitter. Throughout my teenage years, I was part of this subculture in various ways, whether it be K-Pop, One Direction, Justin Bieber, 5SOS and — ironically enough — Ariana Grande. Through ‘standoms’ I was able to meet people and make friends in a way I couldn’t in real life. I felt as if I were part of a community, that I finally belonged. But, as I got older, I realized the obsession I had wasn’t healthy, and that’s why I worry about the direction that many young people seem to be heading in. Their dedication to strangers in order to boost their own self-esteem feels almost like a car crash ready to happen and, for some, it already has.

But, though this is undoubtedly a phenomenon of the social media era, in order to understand what stan Twitter is and its origin, we need to travel back to a time before Twitter even existed.

Currently, on Urban Dictionary, a stan is defined as an overzealous maniacal fan for any celebrity or athlete, stemming from Eminem’s 2002 hit, Stan. In the video, Stan wants Eminem to make contact with him but Eminem doesn’t reply to his letters and, due to this, Stan thinks he has been ignored. As revenge, Stan ties up his own girlfriend, stows her in his trunk, drives along a rain-soaked highway and drives off a bridge. Eminem gets around to responding and says how thankful he is for the support, only to understand that Stan is obsessed with him and then, finally, to connect the dots and realize that he’s the man who killed his girlfriend.

What many psychological professionals would describe this as is a parasocial relationship. This is not a made up disorder nor an armchair diagnosis, but simply the definition to a relationship many people have with famous figures. Parasocial relationships are one-sided dynamics in which energy, interest and time are extended towards the object of obsession whilst they (commonly a celebrity) remain ignorant of the existence of the other.

But, though critics and think piece writers often frame them as a symptom of young people’s generational rot, behaviours such as this are not new in the slightest. Before the boom of social media, obsessive fans had existed for a long, long time — such as during the Roman reign, where people collected gladiators’ sweat out of admiration; or the Victorian era, when hordes of fans forced author Arthur Conan Doyle to revive his star character, Sherlock Holmes. The Beatles had a superfan plotting to murder John Lennon, Michael Jackson had to prove that he didn’t impregnate a stalker, and Uma Thurman received a card from a fan that had a drawing of an open grave, a headstone and a man standing on the edge of a razor blade.

This is not an exclusively Western phenomenon either. In Korea, this type of idolatry exists heavily within the K-Pop industry. Sasaeng fans are over-obsessive fans of musical idols, to the point that they engage in stalking. According to Yahoo Lifestyle, Korean idols have been filmed, had their phones wiretapped, and even had fans breaking into their homes.

What makes this new era of ‘stalker fans’ different, in my opinion, is the admiration that seems to be growing towards such behaviours. Today, even as a joke, the terminology of ‘stalker fan’ or ‘stan’ has been the latest object of amelioration — where a word’s negative meaning is elevated to a positive one.

Last year when culture writer Wanna Thompson received a hateful DM from rapper Nicki Minaj and decided to share it, the following backlash shone a light for many in regards to this behaviour. Minaj clapped back at a comment Thompson had made on her Twitter account and Thompson brought it to her timeline, shocked that a celebrity of that magnitude could do such a thing. According to an interview with the New York Times, Wanna received hateful messages via Twitter, Instagram, Facebook and even email; including insults to her infant daughter and suicide bait. The majority of these hateful words came from stans, who seemed to have a soldier-like sense of duty to protect Minaj. It was as if they would do anything for their idol.

Though Wanna and Nicki’s beef was recent and particularly notorious, one could pick any of all the major stan groups and they’d find that they all exhibit this need to protect their idols from critique, even when it is valid. Which brings me to the point of this article.

We need to talk about Ariana Grande.

It was last week when Grande released her song ‘7 Rings’ and, as a longtime fan of the 25-year-old star, I was ecstatic. I loved the song and felt like she was finally blossoming into the artist she could always be. That was until it was rightfully pointed out to me that Ariana was walking along a tightrope that many young white pop stars toe — and often fall off of. Like many ex-child stars before her, Ariana was rebelling against her ‘good girl’ image by appropriating Black culture.

As stated by writer Erin Dyana:

Viewing her 7 Rings video after seeing her come up in real time throughout the years has left a bizarre taste in my mouth and I’m not sure if there’s anything that can cleanse my palate of it. The video has quite literally glamorized a trap house (something she wouldn’t know anything about) while she raps in an airy voice about buying weave, being rich, and having a “stacked” ass (a lie). These lyrics and visuals aren’t fitting and belong to a Black woman, period. It’s inauthentic and corny to me that she felt the need to cherry pick from Black culture to make something that’ll sell and get clicks.

As much as I love Grande, I couldn’t ignore this issue, which has plagued Black culture for years. The more I listened to 7 Rings, the more I understood why it made people, specifically Black women uncomfortable. While I wasn’t the most damning critic of Grande’s song, I immediately got pushback for suggesting that those who dislike it weren’t in the wrong. Historically white pop stars have been able to cross genres (pop to trap, in Grande’s case) while Black singers haven’t.

I was noticing that anytime someone dared speak about Grande, they were silenced by her fans and stans alike, even though some of the people criticizing Ariana might have disliked her already, or been indifferent to her, many of us truly loved her music. Though stan Twitter might have you thinking otherwise, critical consumption doesn’t negate enjoyment. I and many others are perfectly able to spot the problematic aspects of music, writing and film whilst still having fun with it. Critical thinking only makes our experience richer, and definitely doesn’t mean that we hate an artist for making mistakes.

The drama culminated when people noticed that Ariana herself was liking tweets defending 7 Rings, its music video and the genre choice. I find that, when celebrities try to defend themselves against valid critiques such as cultural appropriation, it does more harm than good. This self-victimization causes the stans to be even more defensive and thus lash out against anyone critiquing their idol. Grande seemingly felt attacked or felt that these critics — mainly Black women — were harassing her. Her fans didn’t just internalize those feelings as their own but, of course, felt the need to defend Ariana by attacking anyone who dared criticize her.

I probably wouldn’t be paying as much attention to this if I hadn’t been also a victim of the harassment her stans were dishing out online. What sparked it, you may ask! I had simply tweeted a ‘judgemental’ reaction image in response to Ariana’s Instagram story. In it, it seemed that someone had jokingly written in their Insta-story: You like my hair? Gee, thanks just bought it” *kissing emoji*!!!! white women talking about their weaves is how we’re going to solve racism. Grande then proceeded to repost that story, thanking the OP for praise, even though it was clearly a mockery of that line.

As I mentioned earlier, I’d already gotten pushback from Ariana’s stans, and I didn’t care if people got mad at me. I would have continued on not caring but, after that tweet started circulating, it got to a point where my direct messages started blowing up with fans threatening me and telling me to delete it or else. I didn’t pay them any mind since I felt that there was no reason to take their threats seriously. However, come the next morning I woke and saw that my Twitter account had been suspended. It didn’t take long for me to realize that I had been falsely reported by stans in order to get the tweet taken down.

You see, Twitter’s reporting system is beyond repair. Reports are evaluated by algorithms, making it ridiculously easy for abusive accounts to skirt suspension by misspelling slurs, and even easier for ill-intentioned people to ‘game’ the system by mass-reporting innocent users. I only got a tenth of the backlash that Thompson received from Minaj fans and yet my Twitter account, a platform on which I had built a following of 12,000 and which held contacts throughout various industries was gone. Not only that but, once I tweeted on my new account that I had been suspended unfairly, stans started to mock me and say that I deserved it for posting that tweet. A tweet that simply reacted to a foolish post of Grande’s — which, mind you, she acknowledged as such and took down.

But why do these things happen? Why do hordes of fans maliciously attack critics? Why do ‘stans’ behave in such an obsessive manner? Some say that social media is to blame and that isn’t a completely ludicrous view. As stated earlier, stans existed long before the age of the Internet, but the anonymity and the mass reach of social media allow their harassment and stalking to be extremely harmful while sheltering them from consequences. You can’t get a restraining order against an anonymous person who could use various accounts to stalk you. If stans are harassing those critiquing their favourite celebrity, blocks may prove futile, as they could make uncountable new accounts, and online harassment may continue until the aggressors get bored or the target finally gives in and deletes their account, whatever happens first.

I want to be positive when it comes to stans, I want to say hey! let these kids do what they want and oh, they’ll grow out of it, but I’m worried it may be too late. These stans have projected their own self-esteem issues and insecurities upon celebrities that make them feel whole. I know this because I did this, and many of my friends did this. Maybe obsessive fanaticism is an inescapable part of growing up, and maybe stans will come across this article and drag me for it. They will say that I’m being extra and that I just want clicks but — while I do want clicks, that’s why we’re all here, right? — I am genuinely worried. What was seen as fringe behaviour before — the invasion of privacy, obsessive fantasies, aggression and possessiveness, absolute disregard for others’ wellbeing — seems to be expected now in order to be “a true fan”. I’m worried that this has become the new norm for celebrity culture, and that the popularization of ‘standom’ has cemented this behaviour for years to come.

Edited By: Andrea Merodeadora

[stephhannes]

fireworks that went off too soon

i guess i haven’t really written anything since i was in new york back in may, and i promise i have a great excuse: i was sad. 

when i got back from new york, i spent basically the entire month in bed. i really don’t remember anything i did, other than hope i’d get hit by a car. 

i finally hit my breaking point of living in abilene. it was good for awhile, but there’s nothing for me here. the only thing that made living here for a year tolerable was being able to travel out of state every few weeks. i absolutely needed the time i spent in abilene to recuperate. i spent 10 months feeling like i had all the breath knocked out of me, but finally i started to feel like myself again. once i started to feel like myself again, i felt stagnant in abilene, almost claustrophobic- that’s when i knew it was time for me to start moving on. when nathan died, i was so afraid that when i came back to abilene i’d just be stuck here forever. i’ve never once felt like i belonged here, and when i got drawn back after i had been gone for five years i felt like a failure and like i’d never get an opportunity to escape. and then i got the opportunity:

at the end of june i did two things: drove to colorado to gone girl myself and just be off the grid for a few days, and got hired as a house manager at the paramount in austin. 

my first day at work was on july 4th, i was super nervous- but for once in my life, i just walked into the room and confidently pretended like i knew what i was doing, like i was actually qualified to do something. after my first day, i realized that i’m definitely qualified to do something. 

my favorite thing about house managing is that there’s a hot 45 minutes of action before the show starts, but as soon as the show goes up, everything is calm. there’s something comforting in knowing that no matter how terrible and hectic pre-show is, there’s going to be a break eventually. 

after my first day, i kept texting everyone saying “i feel so powerful, someone needs to collect me, i think someone made a mistake giving me this much power.” i think most of my power comes from the shoes i bought for work that clack really loudly when i walk on tile, the other 10% comes from how confident i am in decision-making and being a leader now. which is weird, because i’ve never made a decision in my entire life. 

my least favorite thing about house managing is the poverty that comes along with it. that being said, i’m out here looking for a second job so if anyone has any leads, hit me up. i’ve been so stressed for the last two weeks over buying furniture for my new apartment. look, i’m a taurus, so my home space is very important to me. every place i’ve lived in, i’ve had a clear way i want it to look and i can’t rest until it’s exactly representative of my vision. i’m moving back into the same apartment that i lived in during undergrad, literally the exact same bedroom, with my exact same roommate. some of my old furniture is still there, and i realize that i could just re-use all of it and have the same bedroom i had when i previously lived there. but i honestly don’t think my heart can handle it. i lived in austin for 12 years without nathan in my life, but no matter where i go here, i just see him. it’s hard enough driving down the street in between work and home and remembering the time we went to the taco bell cantina and then walked around campus, or the thai place that i took him the first time he ever visited me, or the apartment complex i lived in the first time he visited me. the other day, i was in a kerbey lane location that i don’t normally go to, but i had gone with nathan once, and andrew mcmahon started playing over the speakers and i almost lost my shit. sometimes even being back in the apartment itself is hard for me to handle, the first time i visited my old roommate after nathan died, i spent the night on the couch, and all i could think about was the time we’d both fallen asleep on the couch watching star wars back when he tried to make me watch all the movies. 

the point of all of this being: i’m back on my bullshit and i have a new vision for how i want my bedroom to look- a complete 180 from what it used to be, but i can’t afford it and i’m about to be so anxious until i can get it to what i want. 

it feels really good to be back in society, but it’s been weird meeting new people. for the first time since nathan died, i’m interacting with people who have no idea of who i am, no clue of where i’ve been or what i’ve done, and i’ve been having a hard time figuring out how much to tell people, and when to tell them, and how i want to present myself to people. there are some people that know my fiancé died, but there are some people that have asked me if i was married and i responded with “nah, but i was previously engaged” and left it at that. i hate when people ask me “what brought you to texas from new york?” i’ve completely omitted my time in philly. i don’t mention it on my resume, or in conversation because i hate that time in my life so incredibly much. i usually deflect, and say, “oh, well i was born in austin so i came back!” which doesn’t really answer the question, but it answers a question. sometimes i feel like i seem shady when i have to do these weird conversational navigations but like…. i don’t know what i’m doing. i’ve never had to do this before! 

the other day at work, the coworker that’s been training me introduced me to someone as, “this is stephanie. she used to work at the daryl roth in new york city, and she’s really fucking good! i barely have to tell her how to do anything, she just knows how to be a house manager.”

and it’s true, i’m really fucking good at my job. 

and i’m having a hard time accepting that i’m doing well. 

when i got hired, i was so sad. i was so sad because it feels like accomplishments mean nothing without nathan by my side to celebrate with me. i remember how proud he was of me last year when i had managed to get a bunch of theatre job interviews lined up in philly, and i remember how supportive he was of me back in new york when i struggled to find a job- and i miss it so much. i feel guilty for doing well without nathan in my life. i feel guilty that in the last week, i’ve been so stressed with starting a new job and trying to pack and move i haven’t really thought about him much.

but i think that what upsets me now, is that i get it. i get the guilt that he felt so strongly back when he graduated from acu and managed to move out of abilene. at the time, i was so confused as to why he wasn’t proud of himself, as to why he felt unable to celebrate his accomplishments- but i understand now. and it’s hard for me to be able to understand exactly how he felt with all of the guilt he had after high school. i’ve started to notice lately that a lot of my reactions and thought processes have been reflecting the same ones i saw in nathan, and i’ve felt so heavy knowing that he felt like this too. 

a year ago, i remember being so excited to start my new life with nathan. today, i still feel excitement to start again and to really start rebuilding my life- i’ll just always wish it was with nathan. 

returning to myself has felt so weird lately. i’ve started to notice characteristics of mine pop back up, every time it happens, i ask myself “wow where is this behavior coming from?” and then i remember, oh right, this is who i am. for example, lately after work i’ve found myself with a ton of energy- i want to come home and socialize with people, which is not something i’ve felt in a long time, and i was confused as to where all of this energy was coming from. and then i remembered how one of my favorite parts of the day was when i’d get home from work and then, incredibly enthusiastically, tell nathan about everything that had happened at work. i’d come home and get so worked up while recanting my night that i couldn’t fall asleep, but i was cool with it because that was when i got to spend quality time with nathan. 

long story short: i’m doing well, and i’m feeling bad about it. 

the next time i write anything will probably be next month, and i’m dreading it already. i’ve got a lot of feelings now that we’re approaching the one year anniversary. it’s going to be a hard day. 

for almost eight months, every single day, i would spend like an hour just running through that night’s events, reliving it. i don’t do that as often now, i haven’t thought about it in awhile, but i know that i’m going to be a total disaster on the anniversary. i’ve got a terrible memory, but i’m really good at remembering incredibly specific details of some days: i remember the shirt i was wearing, and that lady gaga’s “just dance,” was playing the day that nathan and i first kissed in 2011. i remember the way nathan’s hair smelled on that one day in english class sophomore year that our teacher let us sit and read wherever we wanted in the classroom, and nathan laid his head on my shoulder to read when we sat against the back wall together. (speaking of, the other day at work, a patron came in that smelled like nathan did in high school and i a) cried at work but b) kept scanning tickets because i’m not a little bitch). and unfortunately, i still remember, in incredible detail the night that he died.

we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. 

ps: there was nowhere to naturally fit this into the blog post, but while we’re on the subject of the fourth of july- i was reminded of one of my favorite memories with nathan. the first time he met my family, (grandma, cousins, etc) was two months after we’d started dating. the best part about having a boyfriend is having a plus one to all the things you don’t want to be at by yourself and the first time i played that card was to get him to come with me to the family fourth of july function. at one point, my cousin asked me to hold her baby and i was like “yeah ok, i’ll do it, but if i break your kid don’t get mad at me” because i have no idea how to interact with children. so i was holding this baby, and jokingly i asked nathan how he felt about it and he was like “i literally don’t think i’ve ever been less attracted to you,” and i was like “oh hell yeah we both hate kids thank god, this is gonna work out.”

[adenovir]

It’s not just Trump-Russia...

(THREAD) Pre-election Russia collusion may take down Trump. It's equally possible the Trumps' pre- and post-election collusion with Saudi Arabia, the UAE, and Israel will do it—a course of collusion also connected to the Kremlin. I explain here. I hope you'll read on and share.

1/ I must stress how unbelievably complex the "Grand Bargain" theory of the Trump-Russia case is—a different thing from saying it's not substantiated. It's substantiated in *almost every single particular*—it just *also* happens to be very confusing. Not byzantine—just confusing.

2/ The basics: Saudi Arabia, Israel, and the UAE all view Iran as their chief regional enemy. Iran is propped up by Russia. Therefore the Saudis, Israelis, and Emiratis all need a US government willing to find a way to get the Kremlin to *stop* supporting Iran in the Middle East.

3/ The best way to get Russia to stop supporting Iran—or reduce support—was/is to drop all sanctions on Russia over its 2014 annexation of Crimea, as that'd be worth *trillions* to the Kremlin over the next decade. Everyone knew that Clinton wouldn't do this—and that Trump would.

4/ Per the NYT, on August 3, 2016, Donald Trump Jr. met secretly at Trump Tower with a Saudi and Emirati emissary, George Nader, as well as an Israeli intelligence expert, Joel Zamel, with *significant* ties to both Israeli intelligence *and* Russian oligarchs allied with Putin.

5/ Per the NYT, Nader and Zamel both—effectively on behalf of Saudi Arabia, the UAE, Israel, and Russia—offered the Trumps clandestine collusive assistance to win the 2016 election. Jr. reacted favorably to this offer—which got into the specifics of how the collusion would work.

6/ Zamel specifically offered a domestic disinformation campaign in the United States that would use fake social media accounts to sway "micro-targeted" U.S. voters toward Trump—basically *exactly* what ended up happening. Zamel has been connected to Bannon's Cambridge Analytica.

7/ Nader was an emissary from the Saudi Crown Prince ("MBS") and the Emirati Crown Prince ("MBZ"), while Zamel was connected to a Trump-linked Russian oligarch (Rybolovlev), Israeli intel, and Cambridge Analytica. Together they had money, microtargeting, and "dark" intel methods.

8/ Jesus... this is where it gets insane. I'm going to post five articles now that are absolutely necessary to what I'm about to say. This is... serious stuff, and it needs to be right. Please take a look at the following five articles:

9/ KEY ARTICLE 1:

Trump Jr. and Other Aides Met With Gulf Emissary Offering Help to Win Election

https://www.nytimes.com/…/trump-jr-saudi-uae-nader-prince-z…

10/ KEY ARTICLE 2:

Saudis Close to Crown Prince Discussed Killing Other Enemies a Year Before Khashoggi’s Death

https://www.nytimes.com/…/saudi-iran-assassinations-mohamme…

11/ KEY ARTICLE 3:

Top Cheney Aide in Muellers Sights as Probe Expands

https://www.thedailybeast.com/top-cheney-aide-in-muellers-s…

12/ KEY ARTICLE 4:

Abbas rival hired American mercenaries to kill in Yemen for UAE: report

https://www.i24news.tv/…/186610-181018-abbas-rival-hired-is…

13/ KEY ARTICLE 5:

Dahlan ‘cover-up team’ from Lebanon helps hide traces of Khashoggi murder

https://www.yenisafak.com/…/dahlan-cover-up-team-from-leban…

14/ Upshot: the Saudis and Emiratis formed a plot in 2015 to systematically assassinate Iranians and Iranian allies they considered a threat. To do this they needed the help of US mercenaries and quality intel—two things it now appears the Trumps and their allies helped provide.

15/ In other words, the Saudis, Emiratis, Israelis, and Russians didn't offer the Trumps pre-election collusive assistance for free—indeed they asked for a lot. The Russians would get trillions once the 2014 sanctions were dropped, and the other nations would get... other things.

16/ Trump adviser Erik Prince—who was *also* at the secret meeting with Nader, Zamel, and Don Jr. at Trump Tower in August '16—ran a mercenary army. Elliott Broidy, who had enormous access to Trump as a lobbyist and RNC finance co-chair, also was connected to a mercenary company.

17/ Jared Kushner—who wasn't at the August '16 meeting but *would* attend a followup in December with MBZ (who secretly entered the US for the meeting), Bannon, and the Zamel-connected Mike Flynn—struck up a very close "friendship" with MBS (the other Crown Prince) post-election.

18/ Numerous reports say Kushner got intel from his father-in-law's Presidential Daily Briefing—which only Trump could permit him to take—and gave it to MBS. The intel—a list of MBS' enemies—allowed MBS to target his domestic enemies and kill some of them.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/…/Saudi-crown-prince-brags-Jare…

19/ MBS subsequently told friends that Kushner was "in his pocket." And why would he think otherwise? Trump had (apparently) declassified intel for MBS' use as part of his program of domestic and international assassination. It was that very program that targeted Jamal Khashoggi.

20/ So *no one* was surprised when—despite the CIA concluding that MBS ordered Khashoggi killed—Trump gave his "I'm colluding with this guy" response, saying (as he had of Putin) that he believed MBS wasn't involved in the killing because... wait for it... MBS told him he wasn't.

21/ This five-party collusion explains why Trump went to Saudi Arabia first on his first trip abroad and immediately sold them weapons; why Kushner uses WhatsApp for all his MBS communications (it frustrates oversight); why Prince was Trump's envoy to Russia in the Seychelles...

22/ ...why Broidy was given $1 billion in business by Nader; why Nader met with White House officials repeatedly in the first 60 days of Trump's administration; why Mueller originally suspected Papadopoulos as an Israeli spy; why Flynn, Barrack, Gates, and other Trump allies...

23/ ...began lobbying Trump as soon as he was elected to send nuclear tech to Saudi Arabia (partly to build new nuclear reactors, but with a longer-term goal of letting Saudi Arabia and the UAE develop nuclear weapons as a deterrence of Iran); why Trump ripped up the Iran deal...

24/ ...even though Iran was in compliance; and more. Look: we know Trump's top aides were willing to assist foreign nations in assassinating people living in the U.S., because that's *exactly* what Mike Flynn was caught trying to do—extradite a Turkish cleric to be killed abroad.

25/ The reason this is all so confusing is that *some* of the motives in play may have been reasonable. Iran *is* a state sponsor of terrorism—so it's not so far out of bounds to think that a U.S. government might want to assist Iran's many enemies in the Middle East if possible.

26/ But many of the motives involved were *illegal*, too. Namely—as was the case with Russia—the Trumps (plus Kushner) are *easily* bribed, and willing to set U.S. policy on the basis of bribes. With Putin, it was billions in real estate deals in Moscow that easily bribed Trump.

27/ With Saudi Arabia, Trump and Jared being the *only* people in the White House who supported the Saudi blockade of Qatar suggests that—when Qatar shortly thereafter turned around and "loaned" Jared $1 billion—they were being strong-armed by secret Trump-Saudi Arabia collusion.

28/ Just so, the Trumps are trying to expand (and *have* expanded) their real estate empire into the UAE, which makes pleasing the Emiratis important as a business proposition. And since Trump doesn't care how many people the Saudis or Emiratis assassinate, why not help them out?

29/ This sort of Bribery—a federal crime—is of course impeachable under the Constitution. But if a story that just came out in the Middle East Eye—which has been *very* accurate on the Khashoggi case—is correct, the Trumps may have just crossed the line into something far darker.

30/ If this BREAKING NEWS is accurate, the Trumps *actively* participated in the Saudi-Emirati-Israeli assassination scheme—which, remember, per the links in this thread, both Nader and Zamel were part of—in order to get financial benefits on the back end.

https://www.middleeasteye.net/…/saudis-using-pompeos-plan-s…

31/ Simply put, under circumstances in which you know MBS is criminally responsible for the murder of a Washington Post journalist, you *can't* assist him in escaping detection by delivering to him a plan to do just that. That'd be Accessory After the Fact to First-Degree Murder.

32/ *Obviously* I want to see the Middle East Eye story reported elsewhere also, but again, the Middle East Eye has repeatedly broken news in the Khashoggi case. Plus, their scoop fits with *all the other evidence* we have of this plot dating back (at least) to early August 2016.

33/ I can't help but recall, now, how Pompeo was the CIA director, and then Tillerson was pushed out at State so Pompeo could replace him, and then Trump started singing his praises in terms of his *loyalty*. Well, it'd take that sort of "loyal" person to do something like this.

34/ There are too many angles here to count: for instance, one wouldn't normally think Bannon would be at all the planning meetings for Trump-Russia-Saudi-Emirati-Israeli collusion—but it makes sense when you understand that Zamel and Cambridge Analytica were crucial to the plan.

35/ Flynn's involvement might also be a mystery, until you learn that Zamel had previously tried to recruit him for *his* intel outfit (Flynn had one too), and Flynn thereafter became an *energy lobbyist* trying to bring nuclear energy (thus, eventually, weapons) to Saudi Arabia.

36/ A list of the people relevant to this plot:

Trump Sr. Trump Jr. Kushner Bannon Flynn Nader Broidy Prince Zamel MBS MBZ Rybolovlev* Barrack Gates McFarlane Dmitriev + others

*There's credible evidence Rybolovlev had two secret meetings with Trump in the 10 days pre-election.

37/ My point in writing this thread *isn't* thinking I can explain every aspect of this to all of you on Twitter—the 5- (really 6-) nation "Grand Bargain" requires, literally, an entire book to explain properly. And—as importantly—to document with reliable, major-media reporting.

38/ The important thing to understand is that all the major-media reporting you've read saying that Mueller is looking at *multi-state collusion*—not just a "bipolar" collusion between the Trumps and Russia—is not just correct but *richly* supported by reams of *public* evidence.

39/ This also means that when you see continued reporting on the Khashoggi case, you shouldn't see it as merely the tail-end of a story from weeks ago that is losing steam... but quite possibly the *beginning* of a story that will ultimately lead to the end of Trump's presidency.

40/ I've been saying forever that "Trump-Russia"—which is now the catch-all term for all pre- and post-election collusive activities orchestrated by the Trumps and their allies—is about *greed*. These are really *really* bad people, folks—and we'll soon learn just *how* bad. /end

UPDATE/ This thread continues, with additional *significant* evidence of the "Grand Bargain," here:

https://twitter.com/SethAbramson/status/1064904175761403906

(THE GRAND BARGAIN) If the "grand bargain" theory of the Russia case is accurate—and it is—we'd expect to see MBS pay Rybolovlev hundreds of millions in laundered money to pay Russia for the social media campaign the Saudis promised Jr. And hey—guess what?

https://www.nytimes.com/…/salvator-mundi-da-vinci-saudi-pri…

2/ That's right:

1. Rybolovlev agent offers Trump Jr. (on 8/3/16) a Russia disinformation campaign in the presence of an MBS agent. MBS apparently offers to bankroll it. 2. Trump Jr. says yes. 3. A year later, an MBS agent overpays Rybolovlev by $300 MILLION PLUS for a painting.

3/ The only plausible reason Nader—the MBS agent—offers collusive assistance to the Trumps at *the same secret Trump Tower meeting* at which Zamel (a Rybolovlev agent) pitches a disinformation campaign mirroring Russia's is if the Saudis can bankroll it. So MBS *owed* Rybolovlev.

4/ Below is info on Zamel as Rybolovlev agent. Note: Rybolovlev a) apparently held two secret tarmac meetings with Trump himself in the 10 days before the 2016 election (Charlotte/Las Vegas), b) previously overpaid Trump by tens of millions for a property.

https://www.haaretz.com/…/.premium-who-is-joel-zamel-austra…

5/ But wait! you say. Did Zamel have the sort of micro-targeting data needed to coordinate a Russian pre-election propaganda campaign in the U.S.? Well, almost the very day after the election Zamel *publicly* announced a partnership with... Trump's data-firm, Cambridge Analytica.

6/ And once Trump won, Kushner and Bannon (Trump's data guys) started showing up at secret transition meetings with... MBZ (the other Crown Prince behind the August '16 collusion offer) and Flynn (a former Zamel associate and fellow intel guy) and George Nader (representing MBS).

7/ But why make Don Jr. the first point man in receiving offers of a digital campaign to hurt Clinton? I don't know, was Don Jr. in contact with WikiLeaks to try to find out how to help his dad during the *same 2-week period* he accepted a digital collusion offer from Zamel? Yep.

8/ Can I just repeat that a Saudi prince who's a top ally of MBS overpaid a Trump-linked Russian oligarch for a *painting* by... OVER 300 MILLION? (Re-read multiple times.) Per the NYT, Christie's—the auction house—and everyone else was like, uh, where did this guy get the money?

9/ The key point: this *isn't* a theory of the case that exists only on Twitter. This appears to be *Mueller's theory of the case* with respect to Trump-Russia: that it's a Bribery, Money Laundering, Fraud, and Conspiracy case involving *multiple* nations.

https://newrepublic.com/…/mueller-probe-going-beyond-russia…

10/ Another point about that painting: as NYT notes, many think it's a) not good work, and b) even worse, *fake*. So that transaction is *suspicious as hell*—and it's effectively between the two people in the *world* you'd most suspect of needing to launder money over collusion.

— Seth Abramson, the author of "Proof of Collusion: How Trump Betrayed America"

[tidefated]

What’s been going on with Sky?

Hello folks, first and foremost I want to apologize for my recent absence / inactivity, however I do promise it’s been for very good- if very personal- reasons. The short version is that I have been Not Great™ lately, and it’s taken all of my effort to begin combating that and also improving my state of living. Further details are below, but if you’re not interested in all that or if you are uncomfortable with the topics mentioned ( I will not go into detail, but there is talk of trauma, past abuse, educational & financial stress, and depression/anxiety ), please feel free to stop here, or skip to the bolded line- that is where I will move from discussing past/present to future plans! This is being cross-posted in a couple of places as an FYI, so I’m sorry to those who follow me multiple places and see it more than once.

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In short, the last semester/last 6 months has been really hellish. I’ve been fairly up front about the strain that my courses put on me, and I’ve spoken briefly now and again about the Particular Professor Who Made Everything Awful- basically because she didn’t like the influences on my style because the comics I read growing up are very different from what she & most folks read/make/teach here in the states. I don’t really need to go over it, but I do like having everything in one place for my own processing & reference.

Moving on from that, though- I also encountered what one might refer to as a breakthrough with some emotional/mental gunk that was clogging me up with regards to some past trauma- unfortunately the person in question is still a part of my life in ways I have 0 control over, and finally coming to terms with the fact that there even is lasting trauma makes that― really hard to deal with. I’m trying in the best ways I know how, but ultimately the situation is so insanely complicated it’s been leading to a lot of me just shutting down, which has been making everything else worse.

I also had all kinds of problems with therapists ( once again the one I was seeing through the school took another job somewhere else- meaning I have to start over AGAIN ), getting medical insurance ( still fighting that one actually ), starting testosterone therapy ( for which I need to finish the insurance battle ), family ( they’re starting to come around to the whole trans thing a little I think? ), and a gigantic financial scare- the short version is my mum took $5,000 from me over time and I finally found out about it, and she ended up paying it back by taking out a loan from my grandfather. A mess, amiright? But I can pay rent again without terror so we’re good for now- ish. She still claims to not know how all those transfers to her account happened, but this is sadly not the first time she’s taken money from me ( my relationship with her is a VERY complicated and convoluted one that I need to work on ).

In short, these past months have been perhaps the most trying times in my life- though I’ve had experiences that were objectively worse and more traumatizing, I didn’t really- know they were wrong or anything until later, and the full effects of those experiences was something that didn’t hit me until much later- at the time it was just ‘wow this is unpleasant!’, and only now am I really I’ve thought I was really coming along in my mental health journey, and that things were coming together, but there are always going to be stumbling blocks. Right now, I’m trying to be positive and look forward, but I know there will be dips in the road that will make me doubt and fear after this. I may drop activity again because my response to this sort of thing seems to be shutting down and performing the bare minimum to conserve energy, so I also want to apologize in advance for that, and also thank everyone who has read this and chosen to stick with me anyway.

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Going Forward

I want to try and reach out more- I’d like to have real conversations and form connections, because for me that is what being on the internet is supposed to be about. I don’t have many friends- online or IRL- and I really want to change that. As a result I want to try participating in more low-pressure type community events, and I want to push myself to comment and interact more often.Please never be afraid to speak with me! Even if sometimes I blunder and don’t know what to say, I always appreciate it, and want to at least try and talk with folks!

Tumblr RP has been something I’ve love deeply since I started, but I think I do need to stop pressuring myself to enjoy it the way I use to. The site itself has become… a very different place, and that’s impacted my writing negatively. I’m so worried about what’s safe to write and what isn’t that half of the content and interactions I love literally aren’t allowed on tumblr at all- as much for the comfort of my partner as myself, but the point still stands that it’s this site that’s caused such issues and cultivated an environment where people feel entitled not only to boss others around regarding interactions and shipping, but also to push things on them that they don’t want.

In short, it’s made me very cynical, so while I will not be leaving at all, I will be reminding myself often that this is not a job, and taking every measure to make sure every single thing I do here is something I love. If that means deleting asks and dropping threads to start new ones in their place, then so be it. I’ve let myself cave to pressure far too much, and that needs to stop happening so I can stay here and enjoy what I still have. I want to work on setting my blogs up before starting too many new interactions, and that may take a really long time, which I’m sorry for, but it will make me happier in the end to be properly nested, rather than laying in the middle of a constant work in progress.

This won’t impact my activity very much, though, to be totally honest. I’m already not here more often than not, so the main difference will hopefully be that I am happier and less stressed when I am around.

Otherwise, I want to start focusing on my art a lot, and creating content, rather than simply augmenting it. This hopefully means I’ll be posting to my art blog more often, and may even be creating some original stories. Ultimately there may be a major social media withdrawal in the future because I want to get back to the magic of discovery and creation, and I can’t tell what part of my life is causing it to stagnate, but we’ll see.

Regardless, I want to thank every single person who’s read this- including those who skipped down to the bolded bit because heaven knows the middle was emotional mush- and everyone who’s supported or stuck by me all this time.

[notanotherblackbird]

It’s been so long since last I was here that I opted to just make a new account. If I can muster the energy to figure out the old one, I’ll probably use it again, but for now I’m happier just to talk into the void.

It’s what I’ve always used tumblr for anyway. The only journaling that’s ever stuck, that’s ever felt like I was talking rather than “journaling.” That word doesn’t look right but even that can’t be helped in the summer of 2022.

Not only have I felt so poor mentally recently I actually physically think something might be wrong with me. All things considered I’m not in pain or suffering for the time being so if there *is* something wrong with me, I’ll be fine for now. I have money saved but not for a medical fiasco, so until it gets worse I suppose I stay the course.

The heat is terrible though. The heat makes me want to yeet myself from this mortal coil, but I also worry that I’m going to get heat stroke just from it being so hot. I know it gets hotter elsewhere but I’ll be damned if it’s not just too hot to cope some days.

I feel like my emotions have like, scabbed over. That’s the best way I can describe it. Everything happening in the world is terrible. I miss my LDR partner. I fight too much with my roommate. I don’t have any friends that are girls and I’m honestly too scared to try to make new ones. My guy friends are fine and all but I miss having people to confide in. I just, miss girls in general. Reading that back sounds like I’m a dude which is, funny in a bitter way I guess.

One of my old friend group married a past coworker of mine who I actually despised. He was truly an awful human being. I had to work with him during the election the awful orange was elected and listening to his smug attitude about it was the worst. Even though I just wanted to work he would go out of his way to pester me and talk *at* me about it. He is one of very few people I’ve sincerely used the word hate for and meant it. I’ve not said anything to her about it, if she’s happy she’s happy. Our friendship had been tenuous at best as she had pulled some pretty shitty stunts in the past that led to us not being friends for some years.

Another friend I reconnected with the year before the pandemic, only to swiftly distance myself because she was like “lol yeah now that I make money I kind of get why people become conservative.” She and I grew up in very different financial circumstances but had been friends since early grade school. Lost touch in college only to reconnect after I moved states. And then…to hear that, just, icked me so much.

Money? Of all things to make you think ahh yeah let’s forget all of the trampling of human rights just for the sake of money. No thanks. I grew up surrounded by people with money. None of it is worth the atrocities.

For the record, though I deeply do not expect to get even a bot’s interaction with this, I’m not interested in debate. This is literally just for me to type unfiltered thoughts and I’m not trying to speak in nuance or change minds or have mine changed.

My other two old school friends dipped out of my life completely, one long before I moved, one long after. One because I wouldn’t conform to her desire to go out or socialize with other people who lived in our hometown. One for, as I was told by another friend entirely, “crossing lines I knew were there even though she’d never specifically mentioned them.” No not physically, literally for giving advice. Advice she didn’t want but did ask, specifically, for. Like, “What should I do in situation X?” “If I were you, I’d do this in situation X.” “Yeahhhhh, it’s so hard though…”

I’m still bitter about that last one. Mostly because when I talked to the friend who clued me in on *why* I was ghosted in the first place, it truly just felt like she hadn’t actually liked being my friend in the first place and just, was anyway. I’ve been hurt and confused since it happened and the best closure I’ve had was literally just accepting she didn’t like me at all.

If my heart was shaped like a classic love heart and broken into four pieces from those friendships alone, the first would have just been a chip off the bottom, broken from our fight long long ago. The second and third, the two bumps along the top, my oldest friendships and sad for different reasons.

But the last took everything that was left. And now, though I deeply wish I knew how to talk to other women I have actually no clue. I get nervous and clumsy and say too much and not enough. I don’t have “traditionally feminine” hobbies but I’m afraid of getting to know even the women I run into through them.

I have joined so many discords to try and branch out but I’m too nervous to talk in them. I’m so awkward at this point it’s so so…dumb honestly. I’m being dumb. I don’t know how to be less dumb about it either.

I super wish this was an “I’m not like other girls” problem because at least then I’d be doing it on purpose. But I think at least part of the issue is that while I’m in a committed relationship at present and have no intention on changing that, I’m bi but have no experience with women. I didn’t come out even to myself until the last few years and by then I was already in a relationship. 

The more I’ve really come into accepting myself though, the worse it’s gotten trying to talk to other women. It’s like being a stereotype of a teen boy who just can’t help but put their foot in their mouth with every word they say.

One of the friends I hang out with has brought one of their female friends around to hang out and play a game with us and despite even knowing this person previously, I could barely get a sentence together and when I did it was, cringe? At best? Again not in an “I’m hitting on you way” more like an “ah yes I’m definitely a human and not an alien trying to communicate” way. I still feel like such an idiot even though no one said anything about it.

I think it’s like, I’m trying too hard. I want to be accepted so so badly that I’m like trying to build a house of cards but I kick the table full force every time I need to get another card. I go from talking too much about myself, to trying to start conversations at the wrong time, or asking weird? maybe? questions? until I eventually just stop talking and sit there paralyzed thinking about every dumb thing I’ve said or done in the last however long.

Why do I not have this problem with talking to men? I have no idea. Sometimes I say dumb stuff when talking to guys, but I can just brush it off. My partner and I can absolutely rib each other for hours while playing games and we just laugh about the dumb stuff we say and carry on.

If I could attribute any labels to it it’s like, men will activate my fight response more than anything else. I’m ready to spar with words at the drop of a hat. With women? It’s like flight and fawn and freeze are all tangled up and I can’t navigate my way through a single one of those responses without making an absolute fool out of myself.

I don’t know how to fix it other than just, continuing to try. But it really is *physically* painful trying to not drag myself after doing so.

Well not to end this unceremoniously, but I’m tired finally and it’s nearly 6am. I hope literally no one reads this all the way through, and if you did, well I’d apologize but this isn’t exactly content for other people. I don’t remember how to add a read more on mobile either.

Good night, sweet void

[empathdespoina]

Who am I?

Unfortunately I was not able to put a title on my first post; since I was using the app on my iphone, late at night on composing that first post.

In this area, I’m going by the name Despoina.

Why that name you ask? 

Well one, I like that name being one of the few daughters of Poseidon and use it for my video games characters. But mostly it’s so no one sees my real name and try to search for me. I’ve seen enough crazy things in this world, to know smart people who are good at internet tracing on finding people. To give examples you don’t have to look to far for a few “Karens” who were caught on social media being racists as fuck and found their job and where they live; causing them to lose their job. Which is good social justice; but even in the same breath people who are doing good could be found by the wrong people...for example a Judge, that this person didn’t like her and was hoping to kill her before the upcoming case, in regards to him or someone else close to him... instead the crazy killed her son, who was trying to protect his father and she wasn’t home; and this was found out due to her address being public knowledge as a Judge, now think how dangerous that is for those who don’t want to go to jail and figure they can get away, killing the Judge to not have a court case (which is stupid, due to the fact that person would get a different Judge assigned to the case). And more recently what could have happened with the Montana Governor. So pardon me if I prefer to be called by this.

Also to be honest my photo image is probably in my mid 20s... I’m 34yrs old as this is being composed. I thought this photo of me in a bath tub under water... seem best to symbolize my account. And the fact most Empaths are comfortable around water.

When did I learn I was and Empath and fully commit to it? 

Well I oddly found out when I was briefly living in Las Vegas for a few short years and I found my path along the lines of practicing Wicca; which I felt a better connection to, compared to the religions I was brought up on. So one store I went to called the “Psychic Eye” was having a psych class lesson that was a mix of different things to learn about different psychic gift abilities. The person who was running the class, a nice old lady; who could hold her own authority, and be sweet too. I forget how exactly it started...but one day I was last to leave this short weekly session and we were talking. She asked me a few questions and one that stuck to me was “Do you feel comfortable around water?” I told her yes. She informed me that I was an empath and I could feel other people’s feelings. Now some might think...that this woman was leading me on...but the minute she told me Empath... its as if something click in my mind from my subconscious to my conscious, saying this is the piece I’m missing to better understanding myself.

Heh after that I found a meetup group for those learning about Wicca... and wasn’t necessarily working towards controlling my abilities as an empath. Since around that time... I had got rid of the toxic people around me...who wanted to draw off my energy. Yet it was this one night at a Denny’s...where the group met up, every so often. That I felt my chakra points, which I had already learned about those points and did brief reading of books about empaths; that my Heart and Solar Plexus Chakra points were being hit hard as fuck. It felt as if someone speed up my heart out of nowhere and making me feel sick to my stomach...after I had just finish eating my food, ten minutes prior. There was also someone else in that group getting hit by it too. And unfortunately for me...I didn’t have any of my stones with me to help me focus, nor be able to shield myself or be able push out this person’s energy that LITTERLY was consuming me... almost like when Venom engulfs Spider-man or any other Marvel Hero. Someone let me grab onto a stone that was a keychain on their bag.. and I was looking around as if I was in high tide with ripe tide added into it find where in the hell this was coming from. I was able to zone in on the person, almost like a radar single but in a different way. It was a young woman with a man and judging by her body expressions she was breaking up with him.... now I wasn’t that far away from them; nor was she shouting loud to draw attention to her from the restaurant.

Later in my life I would have two other moments my chakra points were taking me over... but that be a story for another time...because the experiences were way way different; especially my second experience...compared to the Denny’s one.

Later on in my life, I would on and off read e-book on amazon about empaths and surprisingly enough; there seems to be a higher level of this genre as e-books. It’s only recently during COVID, and me still without a job and having to deal with my mom doing a close fracture (meaning bone didn’t break through the skin) on her right ankle and I had to be downstairs every single day since September 9. Which wasn’t that great because my mother and I are not close (another story about that and my empath abilities being taken advantage of); so I decided to start reading books and worked on focusing again about being an Empath and controlling my abilities. I did buy four small books from Barnes and Nobles...where mostly were really really small. Majority were good and some I question the author or author pissed me off on their school of thought process on being an Empath.

At this point I would say, I am having a better grasp at shielding myself.. which took a bit to figure out; since there is NO real way on how to do it. There’s constant talk in the many books I’ve read about shielding yourself and keeping it up; to ward off the negative energy and only get a taste of the emotions to know what’s going on with the person. Yet sadly I couldn’t due that, until I asked one of the owners at “Amityville Apothecary”, who gave me pointers on a way to do it and it worked.  I will share that in another blog, down the road...I have a few points or a process on how I want to put these posts out. Kinda like teaching a lesson (was an art teacher, briefly)...in hopes of making it easier for others.

Why did you want to start this blog?

Why is because I’m starting to notice a few more people close to me and some people I interact with don’t know that they’re empaths... and unfortunately with these past four years under Trump and his encouragement to do negative things to others. Interesting enough I did a search to see what the professionals would psychoanalyze him as (which is not an official diagnosis, but based on past experience with other patients and/or studies on mental health) and he would be considered a Narcissi Personality Border. Pretty much he was obsess as a child to please his sociopathy father that showed no emotions and how he had Daddy issues and clung to Putain and North Korea’s Great Leader (yes as bad as this was to see this dictator of North Korea, I am still impress another nation’s governing person was able to talk to him; besides South Korea always trying. Hey it’s not the best thing, but I give credit on that...knowing how North Korea keeps others out so much); so these two had similarities to how his daddy was; when Trump’s father was alive. It’s like Daddy issues mixed with the crazy thought process of the main character in Talladega Nights movie on having to be the best and a person with God-like complex or spoiled child on getting their way...seeing how people are afraid to say NO to him and him getting away with a lot of things. It seriously makes me question his mental state of mind and even more once he’s out of office.

Sorry I got a bit off topic...but due to Trump being this crazy and erratic and not being punish; including those around him were afraid to say no to literally a crazy man...and to be honest seeing some people not as bad as Trump; is pretty fucken scary. Well it encourage other people who were secret assholes and sociopaths and everything else mentally wrong in the brain...to disregard society’s standard of right and wrong...just let their evil side out and more people were getting killed by others; you had people who were not white, being trailed by crazy white people. And all those people who are Trump supporters and not right in the head. All this chaos this president has created and made it even worst this year with COVID...proving he didn’t care about others and just wanted people to fight each other...so no one would care about what was happening in the world and not pay attention to the fact, he wasn’t doing his job properly as a President. Which some of us in this world were wiser to know; especially how he treated the virus, even after getting it.

So of course there’s going to be a heavier rise of negative energy, compared to the past years; and love ones around you and friends believing all the social media garbage from the republicans. And no matter what, you can’t have a healthy mind conversation about who would become President...where for example my mom thought Biden’s campaign design symbolized China...which I know she’s been using Facebook a lot lately and see all those false information and not cross checking the information to be true and her friend who survived cancer...also on facebook; and I know this friend is going through chemical brain...because I’ve seen it before in others and how it changes the person completely.

And I have been hearing, from those I play dungeons and dragons; and them feeling things much harder. And then recently talking to the vet, due taking the older family dog, Buddy for a visit, and for me to realize that she was an animal empath; based on the comments at this animal hospital she works for on being nicknamed “Dr. Death” due to how gentle she is on putting the animal down; and she feels the animals’ pain...and yet she doesn’t know how to control it and she’s got to be in her late 50s. Then there is the Vet’s daughter, who feels people’s energies far much harder than me...that she’s thought of suicide a few times, visiting the hospitals due to that and putting her on psych meds...when the case is; is that if her daughter was taken to a positive area, she be alright. No psych meds required or being in a psych ward.

So honestly I want this blog to help other people, to make them feel less crazy about themselves and not give into negativity on being told how different you as a person reacts with your feelings, compared to others. And lastly, I think there’s a higher need of people learning about empaths and knowing if they are full blown or have some abilities; because we need to find a way to control the raging storm in the USA. Plus it helps bring you to a better understanding of yourself; since we are such complex people. So come along this journey with me as I teach you about Empaths and the abilities associated with this gift.

So blessed be and may the sun give you the strength to rise for the day; as the moon soothes you at night and your troubles away.

[moonbelt]

»cave me in

↳ college au

⇢ pairing: park jinyoung | reader

⇢ genre: fluff + slight angst 

⇢ word count: 4.658

⇢ description: you should’ve known that asking your best friend turned ex-boyfriend for a favor would never turn out the way you expected. 

author’s note: requested by anon! 

The moment you come to a stop outside the clandestine coffee shop that sits a few meters away from the Engineering Research Building, you know you have screwed up.  

There was no way around it. No matter how many times you mulled over the situation, this seemed to be the only plausible outcome with the least damage. Ultimately, it all depended on your ex-boyfriend giving you the time of day to even hear your proposition out and you understood that there was a high possibility he’d cast you back outside into the brittle December air without a second thought. You probably would have done the same thing to someone that broke 2 years of a relationship and many more of friendship in less than five minutes.  

You don’t know how to calm your nerves as you wait for him to finish his shift. God, it’s been weeks since you last saw him face-to-face. You’d seen him in passing here and there, after all, your friends used to be his friends and some of them still were but you’d done your part and refrained from group activities in the hopes that the atmosphere wouldn’t drastically descend into a pit of awkwardness. You guess you were just doing a favor for both you and him.  

Taking a deep breath, you strive to retain balance. The only reason why you were standing outside — in the too-cold-for-comfort weather, was because you had omitted an enormous part of your current relationship status to your mom. You hadn’t really thought it important to call your family and tell them that Jinyoung and you were no longer a thing. Of course, you didn’t mean to not inform them but then again you didn’t make it a priority either. The call had come weeks earlier when you were stuffing your head in textbooks, trying to find suitable contents for your thesis paper.  

Your family had always been big on giant get-togethers and Jinyoung being your close friend turned boyfriend automatically invited him to everything your parents hosted. Now it was Christmas—you’d spent the last two with Jinyoung, driving the six hours back home and hanging out with your loud family for two days. Usually, it didn’t bother you how tight-knit your extended family was but ever since your mom had told you that your Great-Grandmother was going to be around this year, you couldn’t find it within you to tell her that Jinyoung would not be coming along. She basically worshiped the guy, loved him through and through with that frail heart of hers. As if in a state of dissociation, you heard yourself say, “yeah, we’ll be there. No worries,” before you could even think twice about it.  

Afterward, you wanted to crawl up in a hole and die. The whole situation was ridiculous and you hated yourself for not letting your mother know the truth. Yes, your Great-Grandmother would be displeased but anything was better than having to stuff your tail between your legs and ask Jinyoung for help. You could almost picture the look of pure disinterest in his eyes when you asked for the favor. He’d never been good at hiding his emotions, something you’d found oddly endearing at first. His eyes always seemed to explain more things than his words ever could.  

It had been months since the last full coherent conversation you had with him. You had tried to envision the different ways the conversation could go. Ask him about school, how’s work—small talk essentially. The only problem was that Jinyoung hated small talk, he was more cutthroat with his approach. You, however, tried to avoid confrontations as much as possible, but after relentless talks with Jackson and Seo, two other people that were still in your friendship circle after your fallout, the concluded agreement had been ‘there’s nothing wrong with at least trying.’

Breathe, y/n, you thought to yourself as you sat down on one of the few benches loitered around. He was one of your best friends or had been for the longest time. You wondered if he still had that claim after four months of radio silence. Maybe you shouldn’t have cut him off completely, but you had done what you thought was best. There had been times when you were tempted to call him, talk to him—anything really—you had missed his advice, his quirks, his voice, his jokes. You had missed movie nights, waiting for him to finish work so you could go running. Christ, there was so much you missed about running with him.  

In the beginning, you didn’t particularly enjoy exercising but you loved the feeling that washed over you when you ran, it also didn’t hurt that it helped you release pent-up frustrations. You had moved for the second time that year and you hated it. High school was already horrible without having to make new friends and niches ever so often. Somewhere along the line, you’d given up on making friends that you believed will be with you for the better part of forever. All you wanted was to survive, get out, go to college and hopefully find people you connected with there.  

As always, everything started with little things. In class, when you forgot your stationery he’d offer his. You didn’t know him at the time but you weren’t one to turn down much-appreciated help. During break time when you sat to the side with your iPod on shuffle, you’ll catch his eyes for a second too long before you turned your gaze away. When your Physical Education instructor made captains choose teams, you consistently found yourself on his. Not that you complained since his team rarely, if ever, lost. He was always surrounded by the same group of people. You’ll find out later from your neighbor and classmate, Seo, that they grew up together and literally were a swipe away from being blood brothers.  

The good thing about running was that sometimes it felt like constraints had been lifted from your body and you felt weightless, airborne. Most times all you needed it for was to clear your mind, keep you grounded back on earth and pull you away from boring reality. You’d offered Seo a chance to run with you but she’d graciously turned it down. She was more into staying at home and watching cable than working out. Something you would have loved to do too, if not for the restless energy always bouncing inside you.  

That day you didn’t notice someone had been following you for a good fifteen minutes of your evening run until you stopped to catch your breath and change your playlist. You tug your earphones out and stretch your arms.

He came behind you, huffing and puffing like one of those toy trains you and your brothers had played with when you were younger. The first instinct to wash over you was to bolt the hell out of there, thinking he was a creep or worse—a stalker. It wasn’t until he rested his hands on his knees and raised his head up as he attempted to religiously catch his breath that you recognized him. Black hair matted to his forehead with sweat, clutching his sides in agony but even in his current state of disarray he still managed to pull the look off.  

You stopped your body from dashing forward. It would be rude, you thought. Even though you knew him and you were positive he knew you, you’d never actually exchanged a conversation with him outside academia. Your social life practically revolved and ended with Seo and the internet.

“Jesus Christ, you do this every day?”  

His face is red and his cheeks keep caving in like he just ran a marathon. The desire to laugh at his predicament is unwaveringly strong and although you try to the best of your ability to restrain yourself, the sounds come tumbling out of your mouth regardless. He looks up at you wide-eyed and mystified like you shot him with an arrow.

“Are you making fun of me right now?” He sputters as he collapses in a heap onto the grassy plane. You were in the second half of your usual route when you’d made the last minute decision to head to the park and catch the sunset before you rounded back and went home.  

Raising your arms arm up in surrender, you reel in your laughter. “No. I mean, maybe—is that blood?”  

Your eyes widen when you take in his full appearance. His knees scuffed up and bruised. The cuts don’t look so deep but the blood just keeps gushing. You close the distance between the two of you, squatting down to his level. “Did you trip? The path here is practically flat though.”

“Well if you must know, I’m proficient in the arts of tripping on air,” he laughs at his own joke, something you learn later on to be part of his charm. “But really it’s nothing. It’s my fault for following you. You training for cross country or something?”

You snort. “I wish. I do this for fun.”

Jinyoung’s eyebrows rise up and he looks perfectly astounded. To be honest, even though you ran at least two and a half miles during your runs, you did it all on your own pace. You were probably the slowest runner out there but that wasn’t the point of you running in the first place, so it didn’t bother you too much.

You don’t know exactly what but something within you wants you to push your fingers forward and run them through his hair. It looks divinely soft and for a moment you have to remind yourself that you don’t know him like that. That’s all it takes for you to pull yourself up from your position and stand at your full height. You jump a little to shake the feeling off.  

“Wow, aren’t you a ball of energy,” Jinyoung remarks, smiling a little, as he pushes himself off the grass. “In any case, I’m here to extend an offer; an olive branch of sorts.”

“Huh?”  

“There’s gonna be a party on Friday at Jackson’s. We—he would like it if you were there.”

“Why?” You furrow your eyebrows but don’t tell him that you don’t know a Jackson unless your puppy at home was taken into account and you were absolutely certain that your dog wasn’t hosting a party, or at least you hoped she wasn’t.  

He shrugs, dusting the dirt off his beige hoodie as he grins down at you. You admit to yourself that he is really good looking. In the sort of way that catches you off-guard at first and leaves you stunned the second. His gaze is steady and intense, exuding confidence, so much so that you find yourself taking a few steps back. The sound of your sneakers crunching light twigs fills the air.  

Licking his lips he says. “Why not? I don’t think anyone would mind having a really good… runner around all night.”

For a second you stare at him in bemusement and watch as a mortified look wipes across his face. It takes you by surprise how easy it is for you to actually find amusement in almost everything he’s done so far. You don’t remember the last time you laughed as hard as you did that day, the only reason you didn’t end up rolling on the grass was due to consideration of his feelings.  

“That sucked, didn’t it?” He winces, closing his eyes and kicking his head up to the sky.  

You fold your arms across your chest, snickering a little. “It did. But you get A+ for effort and execution.”

“I didn’t think I’ll get this far through, don’t judge.”

“It happens to the best of us,” you chuckle, shrugging your shoulders in an attempt to seem blasé.

He pops one eye open and the shit-eating grin that envelopes his face is enough for you to pat yourself on the back. He seems relieved that you’re not giving him shit. Your attention is instantly taken by the sun setting behind his frame, tinting the sky an eccentric orange and purple. You smile at how beautiful it looks, it was a good thing to change your route for the first time.  

“So, will I be graced with your sparkling personality on Friday or do I need to convince you more?” He breaks you out of your reverie.

You contemplate your answer. One party wouldn’t hurt, besides he was the first person since Seo, that had actually interacted with you since you’d transferred. The least you could do, you decided, was to go to a party. If you didn’t find it even mildly interesting all you had to do was leave and go watch Netflix documentaries at home.  

Nodding, you grin at him as you run your fingers through your hair in a pursuit to calm your nerves, but it’s tangled and muggy with sweat. Immediately, you wipe your hands off on the side of your athletic shorts trying not to cringe. Jinyoung stares at you with hilarity. You send him a wry smile as you check the time on your phone. Crap, in a few minutes your mother is going to be off her high-rocker thinking you got lost for the third time that week.  

“Guess I’ll see you around,” you say cutting the conversation slightly and hooking your phone back into its arm holder.  

Jinyoung’s lips tilt upward as he waves at you in solidarity. After a moment’s hesitation, he says. “Guess I’ll see you in class,” he reaches behind to the nape of his neck and scratches it lithely.  

You shake your head, giggling and disentangling your earphones before plugging them back in your ears. You starting the jog back the way you came when you angle your head over your shoulder.  

“Don’t die on your way back.”

“And leave you hanging on Friday? Never.” You snort at his response but don’t say anything in response, continuing on your track.  

Now that you think about it, you wonder what would’ve happened if he never chased you that night. What if you had run instead of staying? Maybe you wouldn’t be in this situation. Maybe you wouldn’t have so many memories that you had desperately but failed to forget. Shaking your head you bring yourself back to the present. There was no use reliving memories that you should have buried somewhere out of your reach.  

Turning your gaze back to the shop in front of you, you wonder if he’s even in there. It had been four months since you’d last stepped foot into Café Vagabond. You weren’t even sure he still worked the morning shift on Tuesday’s anymore. It’ll be a mess if he changed his working hours but you’ll take it as a sign. If he wasn’t here then God was telling you to stop! before you pushed yourself willingly into scalding water.  

You didn’t believe clean breakup’s existed. At least you’d never seen it happen. Even if both parties were amicable and free of malice, it did nothing to relieve the tension that sat like a heavy cloud in every discussion. It was like walking on shattered ice, you were sure it’ll melt over with time especially because you and Jinyoung had been good friends before you transpired to become something more, but you couldn’t wait for something you weren’t even sure would happen.  

Sighing, you fish your phone out of your coat pocket and check for any new messages. Hours ago you had asked for emergency reassurance from the one group of friends you were sure wouldn’t bullshit you and give you false Hope. Jackson had given you a thumbs up telling you that the worst outcome was Jinyoung being pissed at you for showing up at his workplace. Youngjae, however, didn’t feel the same way. He had explicitly told you that it was public property, therefore, you could do whatever the hell you wanted as long as it was within reason. Seo didn’t really care as long as you came back to the apartment in one piece.

You stand up and begin to pace, your nerves quickly returning just as fast as they had gone. Your thumbs hover over the keypad; ready to type something witty to the group chat about being here an hour early when your phone chimes with a new message.  

Jinyoung: You’ve been standing there for thirty minutes. I might be cold hearted but even I wouldn’t want you to freeze to death out there. [1:17 pm]

You stare at your phone like it was the most bizarre thing known to man. In your shock, you had thrown your phone high in the air and have to fumble a bit before you safely catch it in your fingers. You bite your lower lip as you try to calm your racing heart. Despite all the warnings going off in your head telling you to halt and abort the mission, you don’t stop your fingers from typing back a reply.

You: We need to talk.  [1:23 pm]

Jinyoung: Ah, doesn’t this give you a strange sense of deja vu? Or is it just me? [1:24 pm]

The temptation to throw your phone across the Atlantic Ocean is overwhelming. He wasn’t going to slow his tide against you. You had ignored all his calls for weeks and his texts for even longer. There was, figuratively, nothing left to talk about. You whipped your head up and stared directly through the glass windows of Café Vagabond. Now that you were sure he could see you, you became more self-conscious than before. From the corner of your eye, you see a group of high schoolers barreling on your path. Side-stepping, you avoid the calamity but even then you’re still in a world of chaos in your head.  

You: I know what you’re thinking. Its not that, I swear. [1:26 pm]

Jinyoung: You have no idea what im thinking y/n. [1:26 pm]

You: well whatever it is. I guarantee its not what I want to talk about. [1:28 pm]

Jinyoung: … [1:30 pm]

You could almost feel the unbalance in the air. He wasn’t going to agree to meet you, why would he? He probably wanted nothing to do with you. Since you’d withdrawn from collective activities that included him, you had no reason to talk to him. Pretty much, you were a blip on his radar. All he had to do was ignore you and continue on with his life. You were ashamed but you still hoped he wouldn’t completely disregard you.  

Jinyoung: I get off at 2. Do what you want. [1:34 pm]

You take a sigh of relief as you sink back onto your previously occupied bench. The conversation would be awkward, you know that, but at least he didn’t completely shut you down. Deep down you realize that your reasoning for being here isn’t as concrete as you would like. Deep down you realize that maybe you’re just self-indulgent and want a reason to see him. Four months ago you hadn’t been your best self, and no matter how many fictional books you’d read, you’d come to the realization that a significant other could not heal you. You weren’t where you wanted to be. All you were doing was dragging yourself and Jinyoung down. Maybe Jinyoung didn’t mind your attitude or your mental fatigue but you did. You needed time to find the best version of yourself that you wanted. You wish you had explained it all better to Jinyoung but uncharacteristically of you, you were afraid, you were terrified.  

You force yourself to stop thinking for the next few minutes till Jinyoung’s shift ended. You just want silence. Peace. You’re tired. Breaking up is tiring and it’s even more exhausting to try and place your friendship back in the equation. You bend your neck and stare at the skies. It looks like the first snow of the season is coming. You pull your beanie tighter around your head. With finals closing in next week, you wonder if this is a good time to approach Jinyoung. Clenching your fist on your lap, you strengthen your purpose. If not now then when?  

Time goes faster than you expect. Especially because you’re too busy staring idly at the clouds overhead, squinting your eyes at the wispy horizon, trying to plan your next course of action. How do you even start the conversation? There’s absolutely no proper way to bring it up and before you find a concrete solution, something—someone—stands in front of you; blocking the sun from shining on your face. Your body whips up to attention and you’re looking directly into one of the brownest eyes you’ve ever seen.  

You clear your throat to buy time. Fuck, you didn’t think he’d still have such an effect on you. You’d thought, albeit naively, that because of time you wouldn’t feel the same as you always did. Like there were magnets within the two of you that just had to attract. It’s almost as if time never passed, you are here and so is he. You push yourself up from the bench and take a deep breath.

He looks the same and yet not. His hair is still black and wavy across his forehead but he has grown it out, his frame is still tall, graceful, and lithe. He still has that heart-stirring look in his gaze but among that he seems more aloof and detached. You lick your lips anxiously.

“We need to talk,” you repeat. Words and their meaning dying in your throat.  

He raises an eyebrow incredulously. “About?”

There’s a tiny pause. Jinyoung hates small talk but that seems to be the only thing your brain is willing to do. “How’s school?” You say as you die a thousand deaths.  

“Is that really what you want to talk about?” Jinyoung smiles jeeringly at you.  

No. It’s not. You intertwine your fingers together, begging yourself to say what you need to and go.  

“It’s nothing serious, honestly. I just…” your voice trails off and you have to remind yourself that Jinyoung is one step away from walking off. “So like, I know we broke up and everything but uh, funny story, I haven’t told my family yet and they just assumed you’d be coming home with me for Christmas and I really don’t know how to tell them and I know this is really really selfish on my part but I can’t bear to break my great grandma’s heart like that, she’ll probably have a heart attack, you know how she is and—”

“Ok.”

“Wait, what?” your eyes bulge out of their sockets. This isn’t… this is not what you are expecting. You are expecting resistance. The wrath of a hundred storms, a simple no, sarcastic silence as he waits for the punchline. But an ‘ok’? You’d never thought of an outcome that came out like this.  

Jinyoung sighs as he runs a hand through his hair, messing it up. You see now that he’s still wearing his black employee shirt and a pair of Adidas track pants. He looks, for the most part, disheveled. He cocks his head to the side. “I’m going home for Christmas anyways. Doesn’t help that your mother called me a few days ago to ask if you and I were still coming over because you’ve been ignoring her calls.”

The wrench in your gut twists deeper. “I’m so sorry. If you feel uncomfortable doing this because it might be awkward as hell, I can tell my parents that we’re not together anymore.”

“It’s only awkward if you make it that way [Y/N],” he scoffs, resting his hands on his waist. “Besides, it’s just two days and then you can do the honors of breaking your parent’s hearts.” Jinyoung states simply, like maybe he’s discussing how cold the weather is.

Standing taller, you want to give the illusion that you have it all under control. You’re not freaking out because Jinyoung had covered your unintended lie. You’re not over the fucking moon because even though you came here assuming he won’t give you the light of day, he’s actually giving you more than you bargained for.  

“You’d seriously do that? For me?” You can’t help but ask, still in disbelief.  

One moment there’s a smile on his face but it’s gone so fast that you think it to be a figment of your imagination. “I don’t know. I’m surprising myself actually, you caught me in a good mood.”  

That’s all the reassurance you need. You hope he stays in a good mood for the rest of the week. Maybe you’re still walking on shattered ice but at least now it was somewhat melted. You feel so delighted that you jump a little on the spot. Your heart has calmed down a little now that you’ve gotten the words out.  

“Thank you, Thank you so much,” you say, smiling eagerly at him. “I’m very sorry for asking you to do this, Jinyoung.”

It takes a few moments before he answers you and for the first time since you’d seen him that day a smile eases its way onto his face and he doesn’t feel the need to hide it.  

“I don’t know if you remember [Y/N], but you’re my best friend. I’d do anything for you.”  

The words leave you stunned as the threat of crying becomes a real possibility. Everything you had expected is not happening. He still has such a clasp around you, dragging you through the clouds like it was nothing. Carving a part of your entire being just for him. Somehow you know those words mean something so much deeper than pretending in front of your family for a few hours.

His eyes, as always, hold more weight than you could ever lift. However, this time you want to pour everything you have into lifting it off the ground.

a/n; it would be super cool if people gave me feedback on this! i hope you liked it! thanks for reading x

⇢ masterlist

©️ 2017 kai, moonbelt [aka high-on-food]

[nickireadstfc]

The Raven King, Chapter 7 – Next Stop: Backstory Central

In which Kevin and Neil have a heart-to-heart that feels like an aftershock of last chapter’s earthquake, Neil continues his quest to becoming an actual human being, and we unlock like fifty levels of backstory thanks to everyone’s favourite chatty gay sunshine.

Sounds good? Then it’s time for Nicki to read The Raven King.

Have I recovered from the sass fest from last time?

No.

Are we going to plunge in straight again with yet another 3k+ chapter?

Yes.

Let’s go.

           “You want to tell me why you have a hard-on for antagonizing Riko?” Wymack asked.

           “He started it,” Neil muttered into his tortilla.

Reason number 4597265 why I love Wymack: He uses the exact same expressions I would.

A hard-on for antagonizing Riko, amazing. <3

           “How can you stand having a team like ours, Coach? Isn’t it exhausting dealing with us and our problems day after day?”

           Wymack emptied his coffee with one big gulp. “Nope.”

Reason number 1 why I love Wymack: THIS. FUCKING THIS.

My grumpy Hufflepuff vodka dad I love you so much.

#dicksoutforwymack, always.

Grumpy Hufflepuff vodka dad is starting to see through Neil’s bullshit, though. He confronts him about “not adding up right” and even asks him about why he’s such a smartass to the powerful Moriyamas, but flinches when Wymack makes a wrong hand movement.

And Neil – amazing! Such character development! – answers him honestly, saying he doesn’t trust men his father’s age on principle.

As a prize for Neil’s honesty, we get Wymack’s backstory in return – the first of many, many this chapter, I can promise you that.

           “You parents must be something else.”

           “So must be yours if you spend so much time on us,” Neil said.

           “They were,” Wymack agreed.

           “Oh,” Neil said. “Are they both dead?”

           Wymack looked amused by his tactlessness. “My mother OD’d almost ten years ago and my father lost a prison fight the first year I started here at Palmetto state. I hadn’t spoken to either of them since I left D.C.”

To absolutely no one’s surprise, Wymack’s family is just as fucked up as the Foxes’.

Cue generic “dude comes from broken home, tries to make a better home for younger folks in same situation” trope.

Cue me crying.

           “Sometimes the world feels so big, but then I’m reminded how small it is.”

           “Big or small, just remember that you’re not alone in it,” Wymack said. “You have your team, but that’s a double-edged sword. They’re there for you anytime you need them, and they’ll hold you up if you want them to, but you actions have consequences for all of them as well. The more you antagonize Riko, the harder you make things on them.”

And just as I was about comment on how emotional I’m getting over all the team feels – Neil goes and ends the feels time again.

           “Like with Seth,” Neil said. “I know.”

           Wymack stared at him for an endless minute, then said too quietly, “The fuck did you just say to me?”

Well…. Fuck.

Wymack is decidedly not liking Andrew’s theory over the Mysterious and Dramatic Death of one Seth Gordon. He tells Neil that whatever happened is not his fault, as Riko – whatever he may have done – definitely crossed a line, or two, or fifty, all armed with missiles and wire and Keep Out Riko, You Big Fucknut signs.

You know, what any sane human being could have told Neil chapters ago, but as we know homeboy doesn’t exactly surround himself with the sanest bunch of people.

Also, for the record, I think Andrew’s “theory” is entirely correct. But we’ll see.

Onwards to the stadium and to more interesting confrontation in this chapter: Neil vs Kevin vs Literal Years Of Repressed Childhoood Memories.

           “You’re not really him,” Kevin said so low Neil barely understood his words. “Tell me you aren’t really Nathaniel.” (…)

           “Don’t call me that. It doesn’t matter who I used to be. I’m Neil now.”

Damn, brain, back at it again with the trans!Neil headcanons.

MY SON.

           “I figured the chances of you remembering me were slim and I gambled on you not knowing the truth about my family.”

           “How could we not remember you?” Kevin asked.

Bitch, you literally did not remember him until violently reminded by the Ravens. Do not come  to me with that shit.

Today’s Casually Mentioned, Yet Heartbreakingly Sad Neil Fact is this:

           “My mother didn’t tell me why we were running,” Neil said. (…) “It was always about the weather or our current language or the local culture – the next time she had anything meaningful to say to me was when she was dying.”

I CREI.

Now, did you think we were done with all the plot twists and backstory developments last chapter?

Hell fuckin’ nope. There’s one crucial bit missing.

(And probably like a million more that I have no idea are yet to come, but let me enjoy a moment of “maybe we’re done now pls”.)

           “You father was Lord Kengo’s right hand man, the most trusted weapon in Lord Kengo’s arsenal. (…) You were supposed to be like me. You were a gift, another player for the master to train.”

FUCKING WHAT.

Oh jeez. Oh shit. Fuck, no.

This just takes the fucking cake, but it’s considerably less yummy birthday cake and more The Help-actual-shit-cake.

To sum this up:

Tiny baby Neil was given a chance to be recruited by the Moriyamas: If he played well enough they’d keep him as a pet, if he didn’t, his own father would personally kill him. His mother ran away with him before he could get to that tryout, yet never told him a thing about their actual situation – for no understandable reason. Neil’s life could have basically gone two directions: A youth prodigy Exy star raised on domestic abuse and crippling anxiety, or the isolated runaway with internalized trust issues he is now. And now that the Moriyamas know he’s still out there, they want to salvage their “lost property” and make him the Raven he was meant to be.

There is legit not one part of that paragraph I’m not yelling “WHAT THE FUCK” at.

What is happening?? The fuck??? THE FUCK?????

Area Girl Thought She’d Seen The Last Of This, What Happens Next Will Shock You:

Because what happens next is wonderful, wonderful character development.

           Neil crouched and pressed his hands to the orange paint. “I don’t want to run. I don’t want to be a Raven. I don’t want to be Nathaniel. I want to be a Fox. I want to play with you this year and I want us to make it to championships. And in spring when the Moriyamas come for me I’ll do what they’re so afraid I will. I’ll go to the FBI and tell them everything. Let them kill me. It’ll be too late by then.”

SHIT BOI.

FUCK ME THE FUCK UP.

Have I like……….. mentioned I love this boy recently?? Yes?? Good.

           Kevin was silent for an endless minute, then said, “You should be Court.”

           It was barely a whisper, but it cut Neil to the bone. It was a resentful goodbye to the bright future Kevin had wanted for Neil.

//cries for a million years.

Honestly, the Kevin/Neil dynamic just keeps fucking getting me, and these recent developments are not helping.

Ah, speaking of character dynamics I’d probably take a bullet for –

           “Andrew has neither purpose nor ambition,” Kevin said. “I was the first person who ever looked at Andrew and told him he was worth something. When he comes off these drugs and has nothing else to hold him up I will give him something to build his life around.”

//cries for a billion years.

So, their deal is “I protect you from your crazy ass abusers and their posse, in return you give me a future”?

I can work with that. I can also imagine there’s probably more to it. Let’s wait and see.

Onwards to better and brighter things:

A few interesting developments in Neil’s Quest to Becoming An Actual Human Being.

           For the first time in his life, Neil wasn’t thinking about the future. He stopped counting days until the Ravens’ match and scaled back on how much news he watched and read. He threw all of his energy into practices, stayed awake through most of his classes, and juggled his teammates as best as he could.

You guys have no, no idea how happy that sentence makes me.

Yes, my son. Go out there and have a life full of happy practices and healthy social interactions. <3

           He knew things about [his teammates] he’d never bothered to learn about anyone else in his entire life.

Scratch that part before, this sentence makes me so much happier.

IT’S MOTHER FLIPPIN’ BACKSTORY TIME.

I’ll sum things up for you.

Matt comes from a wealthy, but broken family, and has a history of drug abuse (which we knew already). His boxer mum is probably the most badass woman there is.

Renee was born Natalie, used to be in the foster system (same as Andrew!), and knows Dan from back in high school where they used to be Exy rivals. Wymack signed them both and they became fast friends afterwards.

Dan did stripping as a way to support her aunt and newborn cousin while in high school, and although she has cut ties with her family, she’s still in touch with her strip squad. Dan also wants to take over coaching the Foxes after Wymack retires.

In short: FUCK. YEAH.

A few chapters ago I was just complaining about all the backstory we don’t yet have, and now we’re getting ambushed by it.

I am loving this development.

Even Allison starts coming around! We don’t get her backstory yet (although we do kind of have some already – daughter of a wealthy and famous family wants to prove herself as her own person), but she makes steps towards being a little more okay. V nice. V good.

*whispers* I really want to like you please give me a reason to.

But ah, mes amis, did you think we were done yet? Fuck, no.

Welcome to the best part of this chapter: It’s Backstory Time – Special Minyard Edition.

           “The coffee that interesting?”

           Neil wondered if the Foxes secretly installed him with a tracking chip and turned towards Nicky’s voice.

Bahahahaha. Wouldn’t put it past [eyes Kevin and Andrew suspiciously] some of them.

They bump into Aaron and Katelyn on their first totally-not-a-date (I still give about 0.2 fucks about this relationship) and Nicky doesn’t crack any jokes about it – a miracle! – but instead starts to randomly give more insights into the Andrew-Aaron dynamic.

Not that I’m fucking complaining.

           “Andrew hates her, you know?”

           “Why?” Neil asked.

           “Because Aaron likes her,” Nicky said, as if that was obvious. (…) “Andrew’s not really big on the idea of Aaron’s happiness, see? So if Aaron likes Katelyn, Andrew doesn’t want him to have her. Andrew might smile awful bright but he is a master of childish spite.”

Haha, that rhymed.

Andrew might smile awful bright, But he is a master of childish spite. “I have been raised on fear and hate Let Aaron suffer an equal fate.” His problems could be solved, my friends And Andrew could start making sense If Neil would think in that direction: The dude just needs some love and affection.

Thank you, thank you. Autographs at stage door, please.

Poetry time over.

Prepare for ALL THE MINYARD BACKSTORY.

(Who are we kidding. There’s probably still more. Dear god help me.)

           “I told you Aunt Tilda gave Andrew up, right? That’s only half of it. Truth is she put both of them in the system at first. One week later she changed her mind. (…) Andrew went off to foster care and Aaron became to living reminder of Aunt Tilda’s guilt and failure. Aunt Tilda tried as hard as she could to not deal with Aaron at all.”

Ohhh shit. One Child Neglect to go please, coming right up.

Seriously, what is wrong with that woman. Either take both of them or take none of them. Don’t separate siblings, especially not twins. What the fuck is that “I’m feeling bad so I’ll take back one BUT not bad enough to take back two” bullshit.

           “I’m thinking that’s why he wouldn’t talk to Aaron when Aaron wrote to him. He was – justifiably, I think – pissed off.”

Well, fucking duh. I’d be pissed off, too. Of course, it would be more reasonable to be pissed that the mother, but I can’t exactly blame Andrew for not being instant BFFs with Aaron.

           “Aunt Tilda moved them cross-country, started drinking more than ever, and got heavy-handed with Aaron. Aaron got into all kinds of trouble in some sort of traumatized rebellion.”

Oh nooooo shit my dude, now I do feel bad for Aaron.

What sort of fuckery even are the Minyard’s lives.

           “[Dad] introduced Aaron to Andrew. That’s when things started moving. Andrew suddenly got motivated. He started behaving and toeing the line and got released on early parole about a year later.”

           “Andrew decided he wanted a brother after all,” Neil said. “So what went wrong?”

           “Aunt Tilda died, and Aaron blames Andrew.”

OH SHIT.

Basically, what happened was that Andrew was standing in for Aaron – damn Minyards, back at it again with the twin tricks! – and he was in the car with Tilda when she caused a car crash that killed her.

Why are their lives so dramatic. What the fuck.

           “Aaron can’t accept that she’s gone. He misses her. He can’t forgive Andrew, and Andrew doesn’t understand or care about how much it hurt Aaron. Stalemate.”

Well, doesn’t that sound like a wonderful brother match made in heaven.

However, Neil has some interesting insights to share on the whole fucked-up shebang:

           “Andrew did care. That’s what went wrong. (…) Andrew would have traced Aaron’s problems back to their mother. Maybe he didn’t kill her for giving him up. Maybe he did it to protect Aaron. (…) She was hurting Aaron, so Andrew stopped her.”

For someone who says he doesn’t care about Andrew, Neil has suspiciously good understanding of how Andrew’s brain works.

Like, better than people like Nicky and Aaron, who have known him for literal years.

Just sayin’.

Also, what the fuck.

Also: That explains the “maybe he’s afraid she’ll die on him like the last woman he really loved” from a few chapters back!! Don’t you just love it when things… [clenches fist] add up.

           “I’ve realized I can’t fix it on my own. I hate to say it, but I wish Renee would hurry up and make her move.” (…)

           “What? I thought you didn’t like her.”

           Nicky bolted upright like Neil struck him. “Who doesn’t like Renee?”

TAGGED #ME. MY DAUGHTER. DESERVING OF ALL THE LOVE.

Apparently, if we believe Nicky, my beloved platonic goalie BFFs ship is a lot less platonic than I thought – at least from Renee’s perspective.

Idk how I feel about this. Could be problematic. But could also be cute and very beneficial for Andrew, and my sweet murder snowflake does seem like she could handle his shit.

…Alright, who are we kidding. The latter. I love this dynamic in every way, haters to the left.

However, Neil proves once again that he has about the emotional capacity of a brick, and offers the only solution to any problem he knows:

           “What about Exy?”

ARE YOU FOR REAL.

           “Exy isn’t an option here, okay? You can love Exy all you want, it’s never gonna love you back.”

           “So?”

           “Oh my God.” Nicky looked torn between horror and pity. “Seriously? That might be the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.”

Same, Nicks.

Nicky tries talking some sense into Neil and pointing out that Exy can’t be your end-all-be-all for an emotionally healthy future, but Neil quickly derails him with Nicky’s favourite subject: Gay Talk™.

           “Why don’t you like girls?” (…)

           “They’re so soft.”

           Neil thought about Renee’s bruised knuckles, Dan’s fierce spirit, and Allison holding her ground on the court a week after Seth’s death. (…) He felt compelled to say, “Some of the strongest people I’ve known are women.”

Bless feminist Neil.

(Nicky, of course, didn’t mean it like that and was talking about literally being soft, curves and all.)

And then – did you think we were done with backstory for today?

Because there’s one bugger still missing.

           “There’s religious and there’s super psychotic religious. Me and Renee, we’re the decent sort, I think. (…) But my parents are the black-and-white-crazy kind.”

Oh, shit no.

As it turns out, Nicky (bless his heart) tried coming out to his parents despite their fanatism, which promptly resulted in them sending him to bible camp and tried to shame the gay out of him, which resulted in Nicky being hardcore depressed and suicidal.

MY SON. FUCK NO.

What saved him was Germany – being abroad and having someone showing him how to balance faith and sexuality. And as much as I love this development and I’m happy for them, I can’t get over one thing:

The guy is called Erik Klose. As in, German football superstar Miroslav Klose. And I can’t get over the mental image of Nora being like “oh well, I need a German surname, guess I’ll just take a look at the football squad from that year, ah yes perfect, that one.”

It’s not even that funny, but I now cannot ever take Erik seriously.

Nicky, of course, reins the conversation back to Neil needing to have healthy emotional bonds with someone at some point, which makes Neil end the conversation altogether.

Except for one last thing- is that a sliver of – gasp! – actual Andreil I see at the horizon?

           For a moment Neil wondered. There was only one person in the world strong enough for all of Neil’s problems, and she was dead now. (…) Andrew, though, nodded in the face of his burden and told Neil to stay. He stood his ground when neil asked him for murder and gave him a key to their house.

           But that didn’t count, because Andrew was Andrew, and this was definitely the last turn he needed his thoughts to take.

:’)))))))))))))))))))) I’m fine.

If you like what I do here and you want to help me continue writing, please consider buying me a coffee! Thank you so much <3

[piscesbag21-blog]

12 Brands Designing with a Conscience

In partnership with our friends at

It may have taken a few years, if not decades, but ideas like sustainability, transparency, and fair trade are finally part of the national conversation. And it’s not stopping there. “Low-waste-water denim,” “single-use plastic,” and “responsibly-harvested cotton” are terms that companies are now brandishing with great pride. And for good reason: Your closet and your kitchen can have a truly clean conscience.

We’ve rounded up a few of the brands that are doing good—some big and powerful, others small and mighty, and a few that are new to the scene. These lines are thoughtful, stylish, and most beautiful of all, made with integrity.

S’WELL

Founder Sarah Kauss launched S’well in 2010 with a singular mission: Rid the world of plastic bottles. The good news is that S’well’s assortment of bottles has quite literally swelled—from the standard seventeen-ounce version to include tumblers (good for on-the-go morning coffee or a smoothie), and roamers (sized right for the park or for passing around the campfire). The bottles are made using Therma-S’well technology, so drinks are kept hot for twelve hours and cold for up to twenty-four. There are hundreds of colors, ombré patterns, a special collaboration with Liberty London, metallic camos—you name it. Best yet, an ongoing partnership with UNICEF allows S’well to focus efforts on supporting water programs in Madagascar, where 50 percent of the population lacks access to clean drinking water.

BIRDS & BEANS

It’s hard not to take coffee for granted—that is, until you learn about some of the effects of its harvesting. A large population of migrant songbirds that head to central and South America during the winter has been in decline due to a loss of habitat caused by deforestation by commercial coffee farms. In an effort to fight this, the founders of Bird & Beans Coffee dedicates its resources to nurturing natural, shade-grown coffee farms, which are a thriving habitat for the birds. By using environmentally sound and sustainably-grown beans, Birds & Beans helps to preserve more than 100,000 acres for the birds to live in. And the coffee—light, dark, and medium roasts—is robust and delicious.

BIRDS & BEANS FRENCH ROAST DECAF Birds & Beans, $14.25

BOLÉ ROAD TEXTILES

Interior designer Hana Getachew launched Bolé Road Textiles with the intention of getting back to her roots. Combining the two things that mattered to her most—her Ethiopian heritage and love for design—her beautiful, minimalist textiles are not only ethically sourced but handspun in Ethiopia using ancient weaving techniques. The result is authentically crafted pillows and textured throw blankets in abstract patterns that are as soft as they are pretty.

BOLÉ ROAD MAMOOSH BLANKET goop, $125

HERMÈS

Documentary filmmaker Frédéric Laffont gets an all-access pass to the storied French house—spending time in a leather-goods workshop in Montbron, France, or witnessing the tradition of silk marbling in Kyoto. Through Footsteps across the World, a series of short films, it’s clear that the what sets Hermès apart is truly the commitment to craftsmanship and the artisans whose precise attention to detail keep the brand moving forward. Particularly charming is the story of the Prudhomme brothers, who oversee a leather workshop in Pantin, France, where they serve as equal parts gatekeepers and mentors.

LEVI’S

The most classic of classic American brands has been pushing boundaries when it comes to large-scale production, implementing techniques that use far less water than traditional methods and working to source 100 percent of its cotton sustainably by 2020. With the midterm elections approaching, Levi’s has teamed up with Rock the Vote to create a limited-edition T-shirt encouraging everyone to exercise their right to vote; select Levi’s storefronts across the US will also have voter-registration stations.

OUTERKNOWN

“We’re surfers who grew up with surf brands, but we grew out of logos. We want to make clothing that’s made better and looks better,” says John Moore, who started Outerknown with surfing champ Kelly Slater. As part of their Social Environmental Accountability program, they launched S.E.A. Jeans, using 100 percent organic cotton from Candiani and Isko—two of the most respected mills in the world. Their denim is produced in Saitex in Vietnam, a solar-powered factory that recycles 98 percent of the water used in development; they also air-dry the jeans to save energy. The collection is also backed by a lifetime guarantee, meaning they’ll repair or replace damaged pairs, too.

OUTERKNOWN S.E.A. SHIRT Outerknown, $78

OUTERKNOWN S.E.A. AMBASSADOR SLIM FIT JEANS Outerknown, $168

PARKER CLAY

Ian and Brittany Bentley were living in Ethiopia, where they’d adopted two young girls, when they had their lightbulb moment. Ian was shopping for a birthday gift for Brittany when he came across a beautifully made leather bag at a local market. After learning that high-quality, ethically sourced leather was being produced by tanneries in Addis Ababa, the Bentleys decided to launch a business that would allow them to employ local women, many of whom who previously had been involved in sex trafficking. The idea was to give the women an opportunity to sustain ethical work opportunities—and become financially independent.

The women Parker Clay works with often become the breadwinners in their homes and are able to send their children to school, prepare balanced meals for their families, and ultimately break the cycle. The line includes plenty of carryalls, leather envelopes, and Dopp kits, but we’re partial to the overnight weekend bag, which is made from the kind of super soft grain leather that only gets better with use.

PARKER CLAY OMO OVERNIGHT BAG Parker Clay, $268

RAVEN + LILY

We first fell for Raven + Lily’s buttery-soft leather bags; chunky, rustic brass jewelry; and silky jumpsuits. Then we learned how the brand has been empowering women since its inception in 2008 (it was first founded as a nonprofit and evolved into a for-profit business in 2011). Raven + Lily employs female artisans—currently more than 1,500—in impoverished countries across the globe. The company provides them the chance to make a fair living by creating their handmade items for the brand, all of which are made of sustainable materials. Even more heartening, Raven + Lily gives back a portion of its earnings to help fund loans and skills training to women living with HIV.

RAVEN + LILY ANYA BRASS HOOPS Raven + Lily, $32

ROTHYS

Two guys from San Francisco spent four years figuring out how to turn plastic water bottles from recycling centers into comfortable, machine-washable flats that women would actually want to wear. The result is Rothys—line of loafers, ballet flats, and slip-on sneakers made of a sustainable, stretchy, lightweight woven fabric in bright colors such as lemon drop and persimmon, plus classic shades like navy and sand. The manufacturing process is pretty fascinating, too: Water bottles are chipped into flakes and converted into pellets. The pellets are then heated and turned into soft filaments of plastic before they’re knitted using a 3D machine, a precise process that minimizes waste. It takes six minutes. And the ethics behind the business go beyond fair labor and a state-of-the art facility in Dongguan, China—they also counteract the fossil fuels used for shipping by purchasing carbon credits to fund Project Envira, which converts carbon emissions back into oxygen.

ROTHY’S THE POINT Rothy’s, $145

SIEN + CO

Working closely with independent Peruvian and Argentinian artisans to find the best textiles (organic Pima cotton, sheep and alpaca wool handwoven on looms in their own backyards), Alexandra Gibson launched Sien + Co in 2016 with a range of ethically sourced, handcrafted knits and sustainable home décor. We particularly love the giant, handwoven decorative pillows, chunky throws, and natural rugs made with earthy pigments derived from local plants and other natural resources.

GRANA HANDWOVEN PILLOW goop, $280

ZAHAVA

Jessica Hendricks Yee is no stranger to leveraging fashion to make an impact. In 2012, she launched the Brave Collection, a line of jewelry handmade by fair-trade artisans in Cambodia, and donated 10 percent of the profits to help fight human trafficking. “The drive to create brands with a positive social mission has become a part of me and the way I think about business,” explains the serial entrepreneur. In fact, her passion for combining fashion and philanthropy is what jump-started Zahava, a thoughtfully sourced line—she works with master metalsmiths in Tel Aviv and all the diamonds are conflict-free—that explores the notion of cross-cultural heirlooms. Hendricks Yee, who recently had her own Jewish-Chinese wedding, wanted to design pieces that celebrate all cultures—and are meant to be passed down. There are pendant necklaces engraved with protea flowers to celebrate renewal, pomegranates to honor inner beauty, plus rings with engraved sayings like “The light within” and “I am here.”

ZAHAVA MINI GOLD ATLAS NECKLACE Zahava, $430

Source: https://goop.com/style/decorating-design/12-brands-designing-with-a-conscience/

[indiscretus]

What’s been going on with Sky?

Hello folks, first and foremost I want to apologize for my recent absence / inactivity, however I do promise it’s been for very good- if very personal- reasons. The short version is that I have been Not Great™ lately, and it’s taken all of my effort to begin combating that and also improving my state of living. Further details are below, but if you’re not interested in all that or if you are uncomfortable with the topics mentioned ( I will not go into detail, but there is talk of trauma, past abuse, educational & financial stress, and depression/anxiety ), please feel free to stop here, or skip to the bolded line- that is where I will move from discussing past/present to future plans! This is being cross-posted in a couple of places as an FYI, so I’m sorry to those who follow me multiple places and see it more than once.

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In short, the last semester/last 6 months has been really hellish. I’ve been fairly up front about the strain that my courses put on me, and I’ve spoken briefly now and again about the Particular Professor Who Made Everything Awful- basically because she didn’t like the influences on my style because the comics I read growing up are very different from what she & most folks read/make/teach here in the states. I don’t really need to go over it, but I do like having everything in one place for my own processing & reference.

Moving on from that, though- I also encountered what one might refer to as a breakthrough with some emotional/mental gunk that was clogging me up with regards to some past trauma- unfortunately the person in question is still a part of my life in ways I have 0 control over, and finally coming to terms with the fact that there even is lasting trauma makes that― really hard to deal with. I’m trying in the best ways I know how, but ultimately the situation is so insanely complicated it’s been leading to a lot of me just shutting down, which has been making everything else worse.

I also had all kinds of problems with therapists ( once again the one I was seeing through the school took another job somewhere else- meaning I have to start over AGAIN ), getting medical insurance ( still fighting that one actually ), starting testosterone therapy ( for which I need to finish the insurance battle ), family ( they’re starting to come around to the whole trans thing a little I think? ), and a gigantic financial scare- the short version is my mum took $5,000 from me over time and I finally found out about it, and she ended up paying it back by taking out a loan from my grandfather. A mess, amiright? But I can pay rent again without terror so we’re good for now- ish. She still claims to not know how all those transfers to her account happened, but this is sadly not the first time she’s taken money from me ( my relationship with her is a VERY complicated and convoluted one that I need to work on ).

In short, these past months have been perhaps the most trying times in my life- though I’ve had experiences that were objectively worse and more traumatizing, I didn’t really- know they were wrong or anything until later, and the full effects of those experiences was something that didn’t hit me until much later- at the time it was just ‘wow this is unpleasant!’, and only now am I really I’ve thought I was really coming along in my mental health journey, and that things were coming together, but there are always going to be stumbling blocks. Right now, I’m trying to be positive and look forward, but I know there will be dips in the road that will make me doubt and fear after this. I may drop activity again because my response to this sort of thing seems to be shutting down and performing the bare minimum to conserve energy, so I also want to apologize in advance for that, and also thank everyone who has read this and chosen to stick with me anyway.

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Going Forward

I want to try and reach out more- I’d like to have real conversations and form connections, because for me that is what being on the internet is supposed to be about. I don’t have many friends- online or IRL- and I really want to change that. As a result I want to try participating in more low-pressure type community events, and I want to push myself to comment and interact more often.Please never be afraid to speak with me! Even if sometimes I blunder and don’t know what to say, I always appreciate it, and want to at least try and talk with folks!

Tumblr RP has been something I’ve love deeply since I started, but I think I do need to stop pressuring myself to enjoy it the way I use to. The site itself has become… a very different place, and that’s impacted my writing negatively. I’m so worried about what’s safe to write and what isn’t that half of the content and interactions I love literally aren’t allowed on tumblr at all- as much for the comfort of my partner as myself, but the point still stands that it’s this site that’s caused such issues and cultivated an environment where people feel entitled not only to boss others around regarding interactions and shipping, but also to push things on them that they don’t want.

In short, it’s made me very cynical, so while I will not be leaving at all, I will be reminding myself often that this is not a job, and taking every measure to make sure every single thing I do here is something I love. If that means deleting asks and dropping threads to start new ones in their place, then so be it. I’ve let myself cave to pressure far too much, and that needs to stop happening so I can stay here and enjoy what I still have. I want to work on setting my blogs up before starting too many new interactions, and that may take a really long time, which I’m sorry for, but it will make me happier in the end to be properly nested, rather than laying in the middle of a constant work in progress.

This won’t impact my activity very much, though, to be totally honest. I’m already not here more often than not, so the main difference will hopefully be that I am happier and less stressed when I am around.

Otherwise, I want to start focusing on my art a lot, and creating content, rather than simply augmenting it. This hopefully means I’ll be posting to my art blog more often, and may even be creating some original stories. Ultimately there may be a major social media withdrawal in the future because I want to get back to the magic of discovery and creation, and I can’t tell what part of my life is causing it to stagnate, but we’ll see.

Regardless, I want to thank every single person who’s read this- including those who skipped down to the bolded bit because heaven knows the middle was emotional mush- and everyone who’s supported or stuck by me all this time.