#i had gotten this job because i was intending on moving to this city with my friends last september

[oh-okay-kay]

man, going to hopefully be moving to a shared housing. the place im looking at is like 2 blocks from my work, which is just a tad better than the 2 1/2 bus commute i make each way normally. the rent would be nearly a hundred more than i was aiming for, and i would only have about 100 bucks spare each month for groceries after that. i really want to bring my cat, but im not sure if i could even afford to feed her. im hoping that being so close to my work (a preschool house) as well as many of the kids' families i can get more hours at my work or opportunities for babysitting to make more money. its all so wild

[tideswept]

So I'm in trouble but... also inching my way out of it. Precariously.

Yet I still need help.

I've covered the last few months in two other posts, so forgive me for a brief summary before an update.

In September, my mother killed herself when I told her I wanted to move out. She had B(borderline)PD and it'd gotten bad. I couldn't take it anymore.

Unfortunately, I'd quit my job to take care of her after a series of hospital stays and to also secretly do her job for her, as it paid better, and we could survive on it as long as I kept my head down and just did the work.

So overnight I lost my mother and my job. I had no savings because her self-destructive behavior was stealing to buy herself things, and by then she'd stolen my identity and tanked my credit.

With the help of a friend, distant family members, and you guys, I managed to stay afloat a little longer searching for a way to survive. There's no social help available where I live; my last hope was to plead with my aunt to allow me to sleep in her garage while I worked and saved money, paying her what I could in rent, and she told me I wasn't a part of her family.

By then I hadn't been able to pay November's rent, but the landlords kindly did not evict me until this week. With the aid of a friend I've moved temporarily into a motel, and my luck is turning around because I've found a room to rent at a decent price! There's finally a way forward instead of the constant wall I kept slamming into.

I'm terrified. But for once I'm also hopeful. It's a new city, strangers I don't know, and I intend to find a job immediately, but I need a little help. I'm afraid to lose my chance if just one thing doesn't go right. Any money I receive will be spent to pay my phone bill (so that I can apply to jobs), bus fare (more job applying) and a little food. (energy for even MORE job applying)

All I can offer in return for any generosity is my fic writing services, and I will gladly do so. (Okay, well, I could also alpha/beta for you and make moodboards but honestly, I'm not sure anyone wants that. Unless... anyone want a tarot reading? no? okay, I'll shush.)

I'm uh, not ashamed to admit that I'm starting to get overwhelmed and have likely rambled on enough, so I'll just drop the links and say thank you for reading this far. Truly--thank you for listening. It means a lot to me.

GoFundMe

Ko-Fi

CashApp: $dkbauer

(Ah, one final thing; If you donated before this and want a fic, please poke me! You can remain anonymous if you like, ko-fi will let you message me and my anon asks are also open, just pop in your receipt with your request so I know which donation was yours.)

[starsreminisce]

Sjm laid the personality groundwork for Elain perfectly, she doesn't have to retcon anything to make Elriel plausible.

"you don't think he deserves to be with someone whom the cauldron deemed his equal"

He deserves to be with who he loves and has feelings for. And how are you so sure that Elain isn't his equal when we haven't seen the full force of her powers yet?

Lastly, the stark contrast of emotions between "I'm getting her back" and "we trained them well, Cassian. Trust in that. It's all we can do." Makes it clear that gwyn is not Azriel's mate.

Ah, yes, the classic Elriel comeback: "How can I be so sure?"

Elain doesn't like violence, has shown no interest in spying or being a fighter, needs sunshine and, his shadows tend to disappear when she's around.

Perfect match.

If Azriel truly loves Elain as much as some claim, why didn't he express that to Rhys when he asked about Mor? Why did he avoid the question altogether?

Cassian, Feyre, and Rhys all seem to understand that Azriel won't move on unless he lets go of Mor.

I expected Azriel to fight for Elain's affection, even against his High Lord. I expected him to speak more passionately than just playing the "I'm the third brother, why not me" card. He should have conveyed that he and Elain are better suited for each other, emphasizing her preference for him over her own mate. He should have declared his love for her and challenged Rhys's perspective. He should have called Rhys's bluff on any potential demotion.

After their meeting, I expected Azriel to seek her out, explain himself, and offer a proper apology with the kiss he had promised her. He should have kept the necklace, intending to give it to her when the time was right.

At the very least, he should have addressed her by her name rather than continuing to refer to her as "the third sister," especially if his love for Elain runs as deep as you suggest.

But wait, silly me, because the bonus chapter isn't truly canonical for Elriels, at least not the part where he's with Gwyn.

So, I anticipated that Cassian and Nesta would drop more hints about Elain and Azriel's undeniable connection.

I would have expected them to question why Azriel couldn't seem to stay away from her, why he chose to move to the river house, why he danced with her so frequently during the Hewn City solstice, and why he remained by her side throughout the river house solstice. I wondered why Azriel didn't offer comfort to Nesta regarding Elain's desire to assist her if they were confiding in each other. And why did Azriel maintain such intense eye contact with Elain and look at her with longing?

However, none of these details were present in the story so far, were they?

And, of course, some Elriels can't help but interpret Az's efforts to get Elain back, while not pursuing Gwyn, as "proof" of their ship, even though it's what solidifies Gwynriel for me.

This is what Azriel did when he rescued Gwyn the first time:

He closed his eyes, as if reeling his rage back into himself. “I heard that Mor had brought one in. Azriel was the one who made it out there first, and he killed any of the Hybern soldiers left, by that point …”

Azriel slaughtered all of them within moments. He didn’t hesitate. But I could barely move, and when I tried to get up … He gave me his cloak and wrapped me in it. Morrigan arrived a few minutes later, and then Rhysand appeared, and it became clear some of the soldiers had gotten away with the piece of the Cauldron, so Azriel headed after them.

THAT IS MATE BEHAVIOR. Azriel typically leaves a couple for interrogation, especially when it's part of his job.

Azriel's trust in Gwyn's abilities during the Blood Rite, even though it posed a higher risk to her life compared to allowing Elain to search for the trove, strongly resembles mate-like behavior.

Kinda sorta like Rhys trusting Feyre to go into Spring Court? or hold out her own against the weaver?

After all, show me a mated pair who wouldn't permit their female counterpart to pursue something they desired, and who would openly express their disagreement to their face.

Lastly, I will leave you with this:

And I wondered if love was too weak a word for what he felt, what he’d done for me. For what I felt for him.

I've read every argument for Elriel to understand the pairing. And I just don't because there is a very solid counterargument that you're just not accepting.

Az's bonus chapter was the final nail to that coffin.

Enjoy your ship. Stop trying to convince me that it'll happen because only SJM would.

And if you don't like Elucien and Gwynriel because it's "same old wash rinse repeat" then that's you having a problem with SJM's writing and favored tropes.

[lost-girl-2021]

Maybe you could describe Quaritch's pov of seeing Spider for the first time after so many years?

Warning: I’m terrible at writing POV’s from parents. Like, the closest I’ve come to a parental experience is when I was a babysitter (and that did not last long). So, I’ve done my best. Also, since it’s from his POV, I’m calling him Miles instead of Quaritch, since it’s his first name.

Miles Junior— or did he just go by Miles? MJ? Junior? —was more of a goal than a person over the years. He’d been so fucking tiny when he’d gone to prison.

It had been over a decade since he’d seen the boy. The first thing he wanted to do when he got out was go find him. And then, he’d find that bastard Sully and get payback for the years he’d spent locked up. He hadn’t really made a decision on how to do it— make an anonymous report to CPS? Maybe he’d find a way to make his wife think he was cheating? He couldn’t do anything too risky, but he’d fully intended on getting revenge for all the time he’d missed out on.

But, Junior came first. He’d done all the tedious work— parenting classes, a steady paycheck. The apartment he’d gotten in the city was looked over what felt like a half-dozen times. But, he’d done it all. He’d gotten a job as soon as he was out, working with half of his old squad as overglorified mall cops for this big company called the RDA. The pay was good, even if wasn’t allowed a weapon and most of it involved driving around scientists and vans full of equipment. It took an entire year, but his restrictions dropped the longer he was out of prison and every day felt like a step closer to Junior.

The day he finally got to see the kid? He was a fucking wreck. Sweaty, white-knuckling the steering wheel the whole drive over. He lived with a foster family right outside the city. The neighborhood was nice, but the house itself was plain. The grass overgrown, flowers dried out. Neglected. Miles kept drifting back to the tiny apartment Paz and him had in the city. All of it was boxed up and collecting dust in a storage locker, like it had been for years. And his kid had moved on without any of it.

He was trying to shake his nerves as he waited outside the door, taking in a deep breath. Miles, Miles, Miles— the kid was all he could think about. And then—

Jake fucking Sully stood in the doorway. Miles wanted to scream, to tackle him. He wanted to punch his way inside, see what the fuck was going on. Some kind of set up?

But, no, because halfway hidden behind a couch, there he was. Blond hair messier and longer than Miles had ever let his own grow, darker than it was when he was a baby. He was tiny— maybe it was the baggy clothes or the sheer amount of hair that made him seem so small.

Miles had been preparing for this day for years.

And then, as soon as he saw his kid?

He couldn’t even move. It was . . . it was indescribable. He could barely believe that this— this teenager was his baby. Miles had been staring at a picture of one-year-old Miles Junior (perfect, light curls, cheeks chubby and red) for over a decade.

His eyes were the same. Wide and brown and filled with curiosity.

His boy. His son.

[parmaviolets]

shut up im literally obsessed with ur fnaf au. can you explain everything about it?? (characters added, their roles, etc?) i love it so mych im gobbling it up nom nom nom

hii thank you. infodump time teehee

The AU is kind of set during the events of FNAF 2, but I've shuffled things around so it's a sequel and also it takes place in Massachusetts circa 2004.

more under the cut because augh. Many thoughts

Mike has recently gotten married to his coworker, Eugene, who is for all intents and purposes a regular accountant type guy except for being a weird freak (compliment) and ALSO more relevantly, been promoted to day guard. This means they're going to need a new nightguard, and that ends up being Jeremy, who recently moved back to his hometown (Fazbear Capital of the World) from where he was living in Vermont.

Jeremy has a girlfriend, which he talks about all the time but Mike does not fucking believe she's real until she threatens him with a knife for bullying Her Guy. Her name is Nadia Knox! She's a scene girl who works at a hardware store, loves blasting MCR in her car, carries a ridiculous amount of things in her bag, likes making copies of people's house keys without them knowing, tracing cell phones, shoplifting, etc. normal girl hobbies basically

She and Jeremy have kind of a beard relationship going on because like. Jeremy is very aromantic and she's bi but really looking for serious relationships right now. But they pass really easily as a couple because they genuinely do really like each other as friends and have a lot of affection for each other.

Charlotte "Chucky" Emily is another gal that works at the pizzeria, mostly in repair and maintenance of the animatronics and equipment. She grew up with Michael mostly so they've got a silly kind of sibling relationship going on, but besides that she doesn't really.. have friends. She was homeschooled by her father, Henry, and finds herself a little socially inept so she kinda keeps to herself.

Chucky was partially raised by William Afton too, but when she was younger he had a bad falling out with Henry and she didn't really see him for like. 10 years after that. but Will always somehow got little gifts to her- toolboxes, books, taxidermied mice. Normal things that the estranged business partner of your father would send you, as far as she knew. Because she doesn't go outside enough to know that's fucking Weird.

Henry is kind of silly. He gives off the vibes like he was a looney tunes character that escaped Disneyland and now he's stuck in a slasher and doesn't know it. He and William were good friends back in the day! Also had some subtextual homoeroticism. When Will left to manage Afton Robotics, Henry took over full ownership of Freddy's.

Into the plot deets, Jeremy was actually intended to be one of the victims of the original Missing Children's Incident, but he got a tummy ache and went home before he could get Murdered. Following that, his mother thought "this city sucks, I'm going to Vermont" and took him with her. Now that he's 21 and definitely needs to move out of his mother's house, he decided to go back to Brockton (mistake #1) and work at Freddy's (mistake #2) because it was the only place that was gonna hire him hashtag job market in shambles.

ogh okay I need to get ready for work now see u

[chronicallypainful]

My recent antidepressant adventures

Before I go any further, let me be really clear about one thing. This is my personal experience with anti-depressants. It is not a typical experience at all. Antidepressants can be life-changing (in a positive way) and even life-saving for some people. I'm going to express a lot of frustration with what these drugs did to me, how they were studied, and how I was informed about their possible risks. This is not intended to deter anyone else from taking these medications if it makes sense after a conversation with your doctor about the risks and benefits for you.

Some history. I actually started taking my first antidepressant before my pain disorder was even diagnosed. My GP hadn't been able to give me a proper diagnosis for my pain but suggested that Cymbalta might still help. It did help somewhat, and I stayed on it for several years. A couple years later, after I've gotten a proper diagnosis, the rheumatologist who diagnosed me suggested trying Savella instead of Cymbalta for my pain. I had significant headaches and dizziness while trying to transition from one drug to another, and my doctor and I made the decision to discontinue that transition and return to Cymbalta.

Fast forward about four years and I'm a graduate student. My anxiety has gotten really bad and started to seriously interfere with my studies, which is finally enough to motivate me to see a psychiatrist. After trying a few other things, this doctor concluded that I was having an unusual side effect of SNRI's where they can actually make anxiety worse. So he had me taper to zoloft, an SSRI. The side effects were again terrible. For about two weeks I laid on the floor of my apartment and tried not to move because any movement made me extremely dizzy. I picked the floor rather than my bed because the stability of the floor minimized my dizziness. Even shifting position in bed made me feel like I was spinning around or swinging in a hammock. Within a couple days of reducing my Zoloft, though, my anxiety improved considerably. That improvement and anxiety gave me the motivation to wait it out. It was a couple months before I was fully back to normal, but the worst of the dizziness and other symptoms improved within three weeks.

And now we are reaching close to the present. I've been struggling with anxiety quite a bit for the past several years, though I have been quite successful at blaming it on external (and hopefully temporary) factors: COVID-19, moving to a new city, starting a new job, having difficulty obtaining disability accommodations at that job. Well, this past January, I made the decision, together with my therapist, that I should see a specialist about medication management and hopefully see if a change in medication could help me. To say that that has backfired would be a massive understatement.

I found a physicians assistant in psychiatry who I genuinely do like. I had my first appointment with her in late January. I shared with her my prior experiences changing antidepressant medication and how many side effects I've had and how severe those side effects have been. She promised me that we would use a very slow taper, and also assured me that she would support me with FMLA paperwork if I needed to take time off of work due to side effects. She recommended that I try lexapro, wrote me a prescription and a tapering schedule, and sent me on my way.

Somehow, this time was worse. Within two days of starting the taper, I was dizzy, had frequent headaches, couldn't sleep through the night, had frequent mood swings, and was having alternating diarrhea and constipation. Based on my experience switching from Cymbalta to Zoloft, I assumed these symptoms should resolve within three or four weeks. They did not.

I spoke with my provider at the three week mark. She told me that she was surprised I was having such severe side effects but that she thought they would go away once I was stable on a constant dose of Lexapro.

So I stuck it out. I had to work from home because I couldn't safely drive. I couldn't take my dog on walks because I was scared he might pull me off balance leading to me falling. Instead of taking my dog on walks, I took my hiking sticks for extra balance. My exercise was limited to just walking because, again, I couldn't drive. I struggled with social isolation.

After a five week taper, I was on a constant dose of Lexapro. I was still having the same set of side effects. There were day to day variations in severity but no trend towards improvement. I spoke with my doctor again and she encouraged me to give Lexapro a full four weeks for everything to stabilize. I did. It didn't get better.

At this point, I've been dealing with substantial additional impairment for a full two months. I haven't driven in two months. My ability to exercise and manage my pain disorder has been significantly limited. I have been socially isolated, making my anxiety worse. I want to be done and this is what I tell my provider. She agrees to a rapid two week taper off of Lexapro. Unfortunately, eliminating the symptoms would not be so easy.

During the two week taper, my symptoms are very similar to what they have been. I'm still dizzy. I'm still having G.I. symptoms. I'm still having mood swings.

I took my last dose of Lexapro on April 8. A couple days later, the symptoms got much worse. My dizziness got substantially more severe. I no longer felt safe taking a walk, even with my walking sticks. I felt like I had a fever, complete with the chills and the alternating sensations of feeling hot and cold. My sleep is a total mess, and I'm waking up more than a dozen times each night, eventually lying in bed tossing and turning for hours. I'm crying uncontrollably about everything and nothing. I started experiencing a lot of muscle tightness especially in my shoulders and upper back, and this leads to severe pain.

Up to this point, I had been continuing to work full-time from home. After this new wave of even more intense withdrawal symptoms, even I had to admit that I couldn't do it anymore. I've reached out to HR and medical provider and coordinated medical leave. I ended up being fully off work for three weeks, and then I worked part time for another month after that.

Through the months of April and May, most of my symptoms did resolve. By the time I reached June, I was only left with the muscle tightness (And accompanying pain) and the dizziness. And it's honestly hard to tell where the line is between medication withdrawal causing tight muscles and fibromyalgia simply perpetuating tight muscles. But the dizziness has been extremely stubborn. It has slowly improved since mid April, but I am still dizzy as I sit here today writing this post in late July.

As I sit here today, it has been 3 1/2 months since my last dose of an antidepressant. And yet I am still dizzy. As I sit here today, I don't feel it is safe for me to drive after about 2 PM (the severity of my dizziness is related to time of day). As I sit here today, I am still socially isolated by my inability to drive in the evenings. As I sit here today, my pain management options are limited, again by my inability to drive. As I sit here today, I don't have a good explanation for why I am still dizzy 3 1/2 months after discontinuing my antidepressant.

At risk of stating the obvious, this is not what I signed up for. I knew I had had bad reactions to changing antidepressant medications in the past. I knew that I might have severe symptoms for several weeks. But I never dreamed that it would be several months. And I never guessed that those several months were turning into half a year.

I am angry, pissed off, livid. I'm also scared. While my dizziness does seem to still be very slowly improving, I'm scared that it won't resolve. I'm scared that it will become one more chronic issue that I have to manage. I'm scared this is another manifestation of central sensitization and that, now that I've had the sensitizing experience, I won't ever be able to fully recover due to my broken nervous system. A lot of that is probably my anxiety disorder talking. But my brain isn't pulling these things from thin air. The last time I had a medical issue which lasted multiple months and for which I could not get a clear explanation doing those many months, well, I ended up with my chronic pain disorder.

[piracytheorist]

Okay I gotta admit it, I logged in today just to check my notifications and messages because I was curious. Seems like cold turkey isn't something I can do, but I feel like I've found things to occupy the time I'm not spending on tumblr anymore, so I feel distancing myself from the site is possible. Not having the app on my phone anymore helps.

Anyway, I took a quick look on twitter today, and while I didn't see any sxf spoilers, I did see a post about a thematic week that I won't be able to take part in, not even as an audience, because it will be centered around stuff I haven't seen yet.

And damn me, I want to read further into the story so bad. It's been almost six full months since the last episode aired, and I'm finding myself wondering what is happening next based on the vague spoilers I've gotten. And there's at least three and a half more months left. I just know, I know it, that I will enjoy the story three times as much seeing it animated - and like, if I'm truly honest, my main drawback from manga reading isn't that it's not animated, or acted, or even coloured. It's that my way of reading it is not how it's intended to be read. Like, if I could have the chapters printed out for me, that would be ideal. Like:

Reading the story like this? Feeling the pages in my hands, seeing the wide and two-page panels in all their glory? Terrific. Perfect. 10/10.

Reading it like this? Having to scroll up and down for long panels, zoom in for small speech bubbles and out for wide panels, pixels getting distorted based on how zoomed in I am? No, thank you, immersion go bye bye. If I had a vertical monitor I probably could have worked it out, but I don't have a vertical monitor nor can I afford one right now.

And you'll tell me, well, a lot of further chapters are available in the next volumes. And I'll say, I'll probably work only for half of July, my contract ends after that, and in August I may need to move out to a different city so I won't even be able to get a steady job that won't work me to the bone. And I'm on a tight budget, so even the forty euros (being generous here, cause volume 10 isn't easily available to me yet so 10 euros for it is a generous offer) I would spend on the next four volumes are money I cannot afford right now. Plus, I know they don't reach to the current chapters so I would still have a ton of spoilers to avoid.

I don't know why I'm explaining all this lmao. I just feel like I don't want people to think I'm an anime snob. Because by god with every week I feel my resolve break. If I actually make it to October without having read one single manga chapter it will be a miracle. It's such a weird challenge I'm putting myself through, I don't even know if y'all can understand it. It's not like it's a challenge I can "win", or a challenge I can award myself for passing. Maybe a bit of venting can help, idk. It's not like I'm asking for recognition or pity or something, I am aware of how weird my choice may seem. I just had some feelings and thought, "well, fuck, what do I have my tumblr blog for".

Idk. I just feel like I love this story so much and in such a way that I also want to properly enjoy it. If I lived in Japan and spoke the language, you know I'd be running to whatever stores sell the magazine where the new chapters are posted in every two weeks and sit outside the very store and read the new chapter before even getting back home (wait, are individual chapters even printed out in Shonen Jump? I'm not sure I've understood the whole thing completely). But since that isn't happening, my choices are a) waiting for a long time and not interacting with fans, but enjoying the story animated, with colour, voice acting, soundtrack and on wide screen (and yeah yeah it's an adaptation not the original but listen it's a good adaptation and this is why it's drawn me in) and b) getting the full story and interacting with fans now but seeing the story in broken-down panels and messed up pixels, while having to fix the zoom-in and -out on every page. And I know me. I know choice a will make me immersed in the story, while choice b will just give me the details of the story. Maybe I am a snob after all, idk. I'm not making any effort to explain or apologize for myself. I'm just venting, lol. It's been weird and lonely and IT'S BEEN TOO LONG AND OCTOBER IS TOO FAR AWAY T_T

Anyway. Been doing good other than that. I will probably revert to logging out every day in order to try and keep my distance from the site, but coming back every other day or so. We'll see. I have a few messages to respond to (and a few more spoiler-free manga panels to react to! yay!) so I'll get to those today.

[spacevulpix]

this got so much longer than i originally intended so i'm putting a cut here

the way that being emotionally abused will make you doubt that people are being genuine towards you when they're nice is insane. i helped out my family at my grandma's house today getting it cleaned up to go up for sale and two of my aunts went out of their way to thank me for coming and one even pointed out that i was the only grandkid (and considering grandma had 7 kids there are a lot of us) who came to help. i have this unconscious voice in the back of my mind that still sometimes forces me to view the world and my place in it through my abuser's lens - that i am a burden to others and if they're being nice to me it's only because they pity me for being such a horrible embarrassment of a person who creates problems for them all just by existing.

but the thing is they were right - i was the only grandkid who came to help. one of my aunts lives 15 minutes from grandma's house and her son who's my age chose to stay home while his parents came to help. several of my other cousins live a short train ride away in the city. i've been the only grandkid involved in the whole process, i was there when we picked the options for the service, i was there when we hashed out the next moves for settling the estate, i took the initiative to come to the house on my own one day to look through and pick out what mementos i wanted to keep, i helped the day we moved all the excess furniture onto the curb. i was the only one.

when my eldest aunt rested her hand on my shoulders to let me know she was coming through the doorway behind me and let it rest there until she'd asked and gotten an answer to her question, it was like i could feel the love flowing from her hand into me. i'm very selective about who's allowed to touch me and her touch made me feel all melty the same way it feels when someone runs their fingers through my hair. another aunt asked about my new job, and the status of my student loan payments. the last opened up a bit about how my cousin could be struggling with his mental health, or perhaps he's just okay with not showering all that often.

i've spent so much time recently on drama subreddits an r/amitheasshole and keep exposing myself to a harmful confirmation bias that intimate relationships, familial or otherwise, are significantly fraught with one-sided harmful or entitled behavior and reaffirming the fear in my mind that i won't be able to accomplish the happy family i want for myself in the future because there will always be some major flaw so great in magnitude that the only way to overcome it is to cut that part of your life out completely. that i will inevitably end up with a selfish partner who doesn't truly understand me and puts more importance on my bending for their comfort than their's for mine. that if i do have kids, the mental health genes running on my mother's side will result in a child who treats me (or their sibling if i ever get over the fear of having more than one as though my being born was what caused my sibling to abuse me) the same way my sibling did.

i got past this all once before, when i first left home and went to college. it's poetic in a certain sense that this time i'm doing the work to get past it again at home. i sort of operated on the assumption that if i was ever open about the fact that i'm no contact with my sibling, my extended family would pick them over me and i'd have to be cut out of the entire family. that everything my abuser said about me is true, i'm overemotional, too dramatic, think everything revolves around me, and to cope with that i minimized myself over and over to try and fly below the radar, but it was never enough. even when i didn't interact with them at all they accused me of thinking i was better than them.

and then here were my aunts, with nothing to gain from showering me with compliments, no pressure on them to maintain someone else's worldview, praising me anyway. just for packing up the kitchen and keeping my uncle busy (he's been kind of a pain, understandable since he lived with grandma for 10 years before she passed and now he suddenly has to move out) so they could all focus on cleaning whatever areas of the house had already been emptied.

basically what i'm trying to take away from this, seeing as i've had a lot of negativity dumped on me in the past year due to the cesspool of a job i left plus my own brain fighting against being happy, is that it should be as easy to take the positive comments, even easier than taking the negative. that people aren't only genuine when they're being mean to me.

[peninkwrites]

Lines Drawn in Sand & Concrete - Ch 12 of ?

Eryn is a double agent. He thinks he might've fucked up.

[CW: c!dream and referenced violence]

crossposted to ao3

Ch 1

Ch 11

Ch 13

Mafia AU

~ Eryn ~

TW0 DAYS UNTIL THE GRAND OPENING OF LAS NEVADAS…

Eryn is good at his job.  He sees everything, and people rarely see him.  Even with the big scar going up his arm, people don’t remember him often.  He and Tommy as kids would try to stop being invisible, until they realized they had a better shot at getting food if they stayed that way.  Tommy still wanted to be loud.  Eryn doesn’t know how he survives like that, but he has.  They’ve learned to survive in different ways now.  Eryn left on a ship for a year and he changed.  Tommy stayed in the city and he stayed the same.  What Tommy does is so small.  He gets by, barely, but Eryn didn’t want that for a future.  He had to move on.  Tommy never wanted to move on.  That’s why Eryn is now running with the Badlands, and Tommy is still picking pockets on Riverside.

The Badlands is nothing like being a part of a ship crew, which had been what he was looking for when he returned, but it’s something.  There are people looking out for him now, people who can actually help him.  He’s not even doing anything particularly dangerous, and it’s enough work he can afford a studio.  Largely because his landlord is part of the Badlands as well, but he’s still paying some rent.

Eryn gave Tommy some shit for not joining up with the Badlands, and Tommy gave him plenty of shit for selling out to the mob.  Which, honestly was preferable to Tommy insistently warning him he’d get himself killed.  Eryn went to see him anyway.  He kept going to the Secret City on his off nights and even then, even when he was seen, he was still listening and watching.

He had never really been jealous of Tubbo.  Tubbo already had mob affiliations to dampen his relationship with Tommy, so it felt more like they were on even ground.  He doesn’t know who the fuck this Wilbur guy thinks he is, but his presence Eryn finds a bit more grating.

Still, Tommy had asked him to come to the Secret City, and Eryn would oblige.  Even for a social call, Eryn never stops listening.  His ears perk up when just underneath Tommy’s loud greeting, he snatches a bit of conversation.

“–you and the old Crow- Father have a falling out?”

“Maybe keep your voice down, Jack–”

“And what the fuck have you been up to?!  Still workin’ with the devil?�� Tommy jeers lightly, and Eryn’s focus snaps back to him.

“Yeah,” Eryn laughs dryly.  “You still working for no one and nothing?”

“With pride, Eryn.  With pride.”   Tommy has his arm around him, dragging him back to the booth.  “Someone I want you to meet,” he says as an aside, before more loudly, “Wil! This is my old pal, Eryn!” Tommy’s genuine enthusiasm introducing him warms Eryn a bit.  They’ve changed in a lot of ways, but as long as Tommy is still happy to have him there, Eryn will make his peace with it.

“Alright?”

“Alright.  Good to… meet you properly,” Eryn deigns to be civil.  He has found himself irritated often enough with how delighted Tommy seemed to be with the guy, but he would be the bigger person or whatever.  “I’ve seen you play a bit.  You’re not half bad with that guitar.”

“Thanks.”  Wilbur gives him a curious look that Eryn can’t quite read.

“Eryn, come on, join us, join us,” Tommy slips back into the booth, Eryn letting himself get dragged along with him.

“I was… I was actually here to see Niki, so, I might move to the bar,” Jack Manifold, who Eryn knows has been an object of Tommy’s torments for a long while now, originally Tommy and Eryn’s torments back when Eryn was still crashing in the hotel, and he clearly intended to flee those torments now.  Tommy and Wilbur don’t let him, and Eryn is content to sit back and watch.

The banter continues, Wilbur joining in on teasing Jack, and Eryn notes the two clearly share a history.

“I simply don’t understand how you’ve gotten so many people to put up with you!  Like, Eryn, Wil, Ranboo, and Tubbo too for like a million years!”  Jack ruins the mood with shocking speed, biting back against Tommy’s teasing perhaps too hard.

Tommy tenses, turning quieter now, Eryn isn’t used to Tommy ever being serious about things.  “You’re a real dick, Jack, d’you know that?”

Jack’s guilt is obvious. “Look, man, I didn’t… I mean–”

“You’ve done it, Jack, you’ve lost me.  Not in love with you anymore!” Tommy pulls Eryn out of the booth, loud and mocking, but clearly masking real resentment.

Eryn allows Tommy to drag him out of the speakeasy, even as he wished he could listen in just a bit more on whatever this mysterious Wilbur might let slip about his past, but it’s clear Tommy has other things on his mind.

“You alright?” Eryn asks carefully as they return to darkened streets.

“Me?  I’m great!  You know me, strongest man alive,” Tommy tries for a grin, and it would probably seem genuine to someone who hadn’t known Tommy since he was six.

Eryn gives him a look, doubtful.  “Come on, mate, let’s just… come back to my flat with me.  I bet I’ve got food somewhere.”

“You don’t know if you have food?  Oh, look at you, Eryn, you’re fucking sixteen and you’ve got your own flat and so much food, you don’t even know what you’ve got!  Is the pantry stocked with caviar or have you run out?  Shall you have the butler fetch you some more?” Tommy says, tone mockingly posh.

“Shut up,” Eryn poorly buries a laugh, pushing Tommy lightly.  “Better bet is stale pizza or like, a can of tomato soup or something.”

Tommy is still grinning, this time more genuinely.  “I could go for some stale pizza.  I wanna see what shithole you’ve managed to get yourself!  Can you believe all this past year I’ve never been over to yours?”

“Well, you didn't really feel like coming considering how I got the money for it.”

Once more Tommy falters at this.  He shrugs.  “I mean, you’re a Badlander, but it’s not like you’re off killing people, now, is it?  From what you’ve told me, you’re just like a little mole creepin’ around corners sniffin’ out the hot gos’ to share with the boss, eh?”

Eryn rolls his eyes.  “Yeah, something like that.”

“It’s different, though,” Tommy says more firmly, as if to solidify some notion in his mind.

Eryn hesitates, before deigning to push just a little.  “Different to… to Tubbo, maybe?”

Tommy scowls.  “Yeah, maybe,” he says bitterly, clearly intending to shut the conversation down then and there.

“Look, man, if something’s going on, you can tell me–”

“Nothing is going on!” Tommy says, whiny.  “Fucking hell, Eryn, give a man a break, will you?  What about you?  Hm?  Got any troubles at work you want to share?” He says pointedly. 

“You know I can’t tell you that but, for the record, no.”

Tommy hesitates, clearly warring between something.  “Look, I’m serious, man, are you okay?” Tommy says, something fierce in his voice that Eryn isn’t used to.

“Am I… Yeah, Tom.  I’m fine,” Eryn says, surprised.

Tommy scans his face, reading for sincerity.  “You’re not… you’re not getting into more trouble than you can handle?  The Badlands, they’re protecting you and all that shit, right?”

“Yeah.”

Tommy debates over believing him, eyebrows furrowed.  “You know there’s a guy out here hurting people he thinks are wronguns, don’t you?”

“Yeah.  Yeah, actually, the Badlands are looking for him.”

“So, you’re not… you’re not fucking around at night?  Staying out a bunch doin’ crime things after dark?”

“No, Tommy,” Eryn says, amused.  “Most of my work involves listening to people, and I can’t really do that if there’s no people to listen to.”

“Okay, okay good,” Tommy nods, still clearly ill at ease, but he doesn’t push it.  He continues sarcastically, “this better be some good fucking stale pizza.”

“Is there such thing?”

“Shut the fuck up and show me where we’re going.”

~

Eryn does not work exclusively for the Badlands, although they are his primary employer.  Eryn is not one to close himself off to business opportunities elsewhere.  One of those he doesn’t exactly find agreeable, but the pay is good.  Some dickhead cop named Dream.

Eryn meets him in an alleyway in the middle of nowhere on the East side.  The cop approaches in street clothes and with a slight limp.  Eryn has no reason to comment on it, not really, but he’s curious.

“You’re limping.”

Dream poorly buries a flicker of annoyance.  “Occupational hazard, what of it?”

“Nothing,” Eryn shrugs.  He’s glad Dream chose an alleyway without a dead end.  The guy pays well and never seems inclined to do him any harm, but something about him is just off enough Eryn would prefer there’s a way for him to book it if needed.

“Do you have anything else on Las Nevadas?” Dream doesn’t waste time on greetings.

“On Las Nevadas?” Eryn scoffs.  “Nah, nah other than that bit about Captain Warden, I don’t have anything.”

“He’s not the Captain anymore,” Dream snaps.

“Right, Sam Warden, whatever,” Eryn raises his hands passively, accustomed to Dream’s bitching.

“So what do you have for me, then?”

“Not a lot, if I’m honest,” Eryn shrugs.  “No news on what’s going on with Schlatt’s old crew.  And like, not to say nothing’s going on at Las Nevadas, the place seems shady as fuck, but other than… well, them maybe having the old boss hostage somewhere, and that’s… up for debate, really.”

Dream laughs at this.  “Right, sure.  So, you’re useless.”

“You’re the one who wanted to meet, man, I dunno what to tell you,” Eryn rolls his eyes.

“What about the Badlands?  Are they moving in on Las Nevadas?”

“Hey, I don’t fuck with the Badlands.  You know that’s off limits,” Eryn says warningly.

“Hm,” Dream considers this carefully, leaning against the wall of the alley to take some weight off his leg.  He’s always so calculating, something Eryn can’t help but respect about him.  “But they are still thinking Las Nevadas is responsible for the kidnapping?”

“Yeah.  Right now, that’s their… main lead,” Eryn says carefully.

“I’m not trying to get anything out of you, just, from what the police department has found, that’s not a bad idea,” Dream shrugs.

“What is it you’ve found, exactly?”

“Look, you can’t talk about Badlands, I can’t talk about police evidence, I’m already sharing too much by confirming their suspicions.”

Eryn takes this in carefully.  Bad and Ant had intended to stay out of Las Nevadas business for now, but Eryn has a feeling they’ll reconsider at the slightest provocation.  He doesn’t know if Dream’s offhanded comment is enough to go on, though.  Dubious respect or not, he trusts the guy about as far as he can spit.

“Right, fine.  Look, I told you I didn’t have anything.  I think I should be the one to call our next meeting when it’s actually worthwhile,” Eryn says pointedly.

Dream scowls.  “Don’t keep me waiting too long, alright?”

“Hey, I don’t control the flow of information, man, sometimes I hear things, sometimes I don’t,” Eryn says aloofly.

Dream takes one step forward.  Eryn takes one step back.  “Then listen closely, alright?” He hisses.  “The work I do is actually important, unlike whatever squabbling in the dirt your other employers get up to.  Maybe it’s a lot for me to expect a street rat to grow a conscience, but I still expect better.”

Eryn knows better than to pick a fight with a short-fused pig, so he just nods.  “You got it, Captain.  I’ll listen harder.”

Dream nods curtly.  “Next time you got something, call the office and say you’re… I dunno, calling about having me come in to speak at a troubled youth event or some bullshit like that.”

“And that’ll get them to transfer me to your office?” Eryn says skeptically.

“Yeah, if I let them,” Dream says irritably.  “Again, don’t take forever.” Dream turns to leave the way he had come.

“Oy!  I don’t do this as charity work!” Eryn calls indignantly after him.

“Why the fuck would I pay you for wasting my time?!” Dream snaps over his shoulder.

“You wanted to–” Eryn stops his complaints, knowing it’s useless.  He has a far better employer to meet with anyway.

Eryn is still debating the merits of sharing Dream’s all but useless input when he arrives at the Slaughterhouse.  Bad wanted to meet with everyone to discuss the very thing Eryn might now know something about.  In the middle of the warehouse amidst broken down machinery and concerningly fresh blood circling the drain, Bad, Ant, Punz, and an intimidating lady named Hannah have gathered.  Captain Puffy is, unusually, absent from the proceedings.  The Badlands having recently attacked her son is likely a contributing factor.

Bad isn’t worse, exactly; this many months in he no longer finds new lows, but he certainly isn’t better.  Eryn feels like he’s interrupted something, entering slowly, uneasy at how serious the circle gathered is, but Ant nods him in.

“Er, hey, Boss,” Eryn bounces back on his heels nervously.

“Eryn,” Bad gives him a nod.

Punz continues.  “...so I’ll be at Las Nevadas.  I don’t know where he’ll have me, but I’ll at least be there opening night, if something goes down.”

“We have reason to think Quackity isn’t involved,” Bad offers weakly.

“He was happy to help Schlatt manage hostages.  I’d know ‘cause I was muscle at some of the… heavier exchanges,” Punz winces.  “Not something I’d say I’m proud of nowadays, but Quackity clearly was part of it of his own free will.”

Hannah frowns.  “O-kay, if it’s something you’re not proud of now, who’s to say he’s still like that?”

“His issues with Schlatt don’t mean he’s omitted from guilt,” Ant adds, albeit reluctantly.  “And… our reasons for thinking it isn’t him are… they’re not airtight,” Ant gives Bad an apologetic glance.  “Even if the guy in the mask isn’t literally Quackity, who’s to say he doesn’t have a hired gun running around for him?” Another glance at Punz.

Puffy’s absence is felt.  Eryn feels the pauses where she should be offering input, but they merely move on.  Eryn wonders how that went down, what Puffy might’ve done when she found out her old friends had knocked her son unconscious and held a gun to his back.

Ant continues uneasily.  “We can’t pretend it wouldn’t make sense for him to threaten his biggest rival right when he takes over.”

“But he didn’t take over, you said some kid did, right?” Hannah interjects.

“You guys really believe that?  That he handed off all that power to a teenager?” Punz cuts in.

“I might know… something,” Eryn speaks up and at first he thinks he’s so quiet no one hears him.  He’s been listening to their debate, but his focus has been more so on Bad, who has remained quiet and desolate for too long.  Eryn doesn’t know how he’s going to explain himself, but he doesn’t give a shit about this Quackity person, and if there’s even a chance it will help the Badlands, well.  Eryn feels like he at least owes them the effort of trying.

Quiet falls, most of the company just surprised by Eryn speaking up at all, the kid more known for his listening.  Bad looks up.  “Yeah, Eryn?  What’s that?” Despite his grief and grievances, Bad always sounds so kind when he talks to him.

“Um, this is like, word of mouth, I don’t have a… a sure source, but… apparently, someone at the police station thinks… that Las Nevadas might have something to do with… all this.” Eryn says carefully.  He doesn’t know how to explain the police knowing about Skeppy being missing, and he knows they’ll soon be asking for specifics he doesn’t know how to give.

“All this?” Hannah asks doubtfully.

“Er, the… the Skeppy thing.  Maybe the serial killer thing too, I dunno.  The... masked man.”

Punz frowns, “why would the police know about Skeppy being missing in the first place?”

Ant grimaces.  “Sapnap.  I told him when I saw him.”

Eryn feels a flicker of relief at an explanation being given.  He trusts the Badlands, maybe more than he should, but even if they wouldn’t kill him for also working for the enemy, they certainly wouldn’t let him stay in the Badlands anymore.  They hadn’t even asked him what his source was, they barely questioned it.  Eryn doesn’t know what to do with the fact that they trust him.

“Right,” Punz sighs irritably.  “So, I’m guessing you do want me to be at Las Nevadas, then?”

Bad is clearly lost in thought, factoring in what Eryn had said.  “Even if you’re hired for security, Quackity knows you’re with us, he won’t let you near anything important.”

“Hannah, could you get into the opening somehow?” Ant asks.

“Maybe,” Hannah shrugs, “that doesn’t mean I’d be able to get anything useful.  I’m not that kind of mole.  If you need me to assassinate anyone or make some coffee, I’m your gal.”

Ant immediately turns to their best set of ears.  “Eryn-?”

“Ant, they’re not going to let a teenage boy into a casino,” Bad says tiredly.

“Right,” Ant huffs.

“And I would say we could ask Foolish, but, well,” Bad at least looks slightly embarrassed for the harm caused.

“What about Ponk?” Ant offers.

“Ponk doesn’t work for us anymore–”

“That was before their pig boyfriend screwed them over,” Ant points out.  “They might not be set on staying out of organized crime anymore, especially considering Sam is working for Quackity now.  I know for a fact they’ll already be there with Eret and Foolish.”

“Still, I don’t know if they’d be willing to take risks for us,” Bad says.

“Not take risks, just tell us if they hear or see anything.  All we’d be asking of them is a phonecall.”

Bad seems to come around to the idea.  “Hannah, I’d still like you to be there if possible.  You too, Punz.  If it comes down to a fight, Ponk won’t be of much help, so I’d like to have some guns already in the building if we need to be there.”

“Got it,” Hannah nods.  “Dunno about the guns part, though.  Like, you really think Quackity won’t have metal detectors?”

“If I need to, I can get you weapons while inside,” Punz offers.  “Not a ton, though.”

“Better than nothing.  If worst comes to worst, Ant and I will arrive guns blazing anyway,” Bad shrugs, before turning back to Eryn.  “Thank you for that, Eryn.  We’ll… we’ll see if it goes anywhere,” Bad gives him what should have been an appraising smile, but Bad looks so tired nowadays, so sad and broken down, Eryn just feels worried.  He can only hope he didn’t just fuck this up for everyone.

“I mean, if we’re sharing updates, I… I do have something from Puffy,” Hannah says slowly.

“From Puffy? Puffy is still talking to you?” Ant sounds surprised.

“Yeah, it helps I wasn’t the one to knock her kid unconscious,” Hannah says pointedly.  “Her flock, they shot the guy in the mask.”

The quiet falls heavier, Bad leaning against the rusted track of a conveyor belt, dark eyes staring in fixated dread at the bloodied drain at his feet.  “They… they shot him.”

“Clipped him, just barely in the leg, but yes,” Hannah nods.

“So… some of Puffy’s flock stumbled into our local serial killer.  Lucky her,” Ant says dryly, calculating.  “And they almost got him.”

At that word, at almost, Bad shuts his eyes, taking a deep, trembling breath.

Eryn feels a sharp dread deep in his stomach.  They clipped him in the leg.  Eryn thinks of Dream’s limp.  It could be a coincidence.  Why the fuck would a cop be a serial killer?  They get away with killing just fine on the job.

“Bad, our patrols are on the lookout for him 24/7, we’re gonna find him again,” Ant tries to reassure him.

“Except once this sick monster realizes that half the patrols aren’t Puffy’s flock and are instead Badlands, you do realize what he’ll do, don’t you?” Bad says icily.

“I mean, if he hasn’t killed him so far… like, do we really think this guy hasn’t noticed the Badlands is still in operation?” Hannah says skeptically.  “I know we know the guy isn’t all talk, he’s killed before, but he clearly realizes Skeppy is the only leverage he has, and he’ll hold onto that indefinitely.  I doubt there’s a situation where he’d kill him, not if he hasn’t so far.  Hurt, however…”

“Thank you, for that, Hannah,” Bad says stiffly, but he seems to genuinely mean it, at least the reassurance about Skeppy staying alive.  Hannah has been absent from the Badlands for a time, maybe doing some covert work Eryn is not privy to, but since her return she’s taken the new, desperate Badlands in stride.

Eryn is only half paying attention now, weighing the pros and cons of confessing to helping a cop in front of some of the biggest players in organized crime in the city.  What are the odds?  You tell them, they never trust you again, and some random asshole cop dies, not helping anyone.  Two people in a whole city can have leg injuries.  Maybe the truth of it, the one that Eryn is currently keeping buried, is he’s afraid of what it will mean if the man he’s been undeniably assisting is the same one killing people with wild abandon, and far more importantly, the man who had kidnapped Skeppy.

[ancientgoddessofegypt]

WHO AM I? - Learning To Appreciate Myself, & Honoring My Goodness.

I've been growing in different avenues and for the longest time I've been having to sit with myself. I think this is the closest I've gotten to understand adulthood in many of its forms and its the process of sitting with your emotions even when all you wanna do is run away.

I guess you've got it. I've grown up. I feel it.. But then, I dont? I feel as though I have a lot of playfulness in me, but I feel the seriousness taking up space. I can acknowledge that I haven't been doing my job, and have lost myself along the way.. Because I've been who I am, I'm wondering if I could be another. I'm holding myself hostage, I feel it. I can't lie, there is so much I want to be but I've put a mask on myself so that others couldn't perceive the real me.. Only to still be perceived by false perception.

Misunderstood is code word for, I dont care to understand this person, so I'm just going to label them how I see them, how I value them and so on so forth. So I never go out my way to call myself deeply misunderstood, even though I can be.. Thats not the life I wish to see for myself.

I've been wanting to runaway. Not emotionally, just physically. Like get out of town. Move away. That's all I've been wanting. I held on to my family and friends because I didn't want to lose them, or have them miss out on my growth but then.. Chaos had came through my life and I feel now its best to just get away, and I feel it necessary to grow apart.

I mean.. I'm sure they'll miss me, of course.. But there is no way I can grow in this town I live in. Atlanta is not what it use to be, & I'm tired of feeling alone in this. I want to get away.

I've tried to go out and flow, but the flow here is chaotic and triumphing from the damage that has been done on to me and others is a story board full of discussion.

Even the LGBTQ+ scene isn't enough for me, which was the only reason I really stayed put in the city. I love my city, I do.. but.. I've got a feeling I've grown enough to accept that I must be aligned with my truest feelings and this one takes the cake.

As I'm learning to appreciate adulthood, I'm learning to accept my past truths. I was alone, tired, scared, and adulting was not my favorite thing. I mean, I didn't care. I just wanted to enjoy it. I wasn't enjoying life, so I focused on the partying and drinking. And FUNNY enough, I took part of it even when I told myself I wouldn't. I put myself in spaces having the belief I would be okay, and when it did not happen that way... I failed... distanced myself from people and got out of their business.

Just went away into my little closet, holding on to the meat costumes before they'd be skin and bone. I didn't wanna be alone in it but I felt it best that way.

And then there it was, I opened up a can of worms.

My rage, my power, my worth, it all started to make sense.

I opened up to my darkness and realized how much of me I had left unnoticed. While I was running away from my problems because of depression, I learned why that depression was there. I wasn't having fun. I wasn't loving life. I was too serious. I called it imposter syndrome. It was killing me from the inside. I had to find myself multiple times and realized I wasn't lost... I just didn't want to be the human God intended me to be. And my heart could feel it, I just didnt know it at the time.

I was fighting 'demons' that were fears of my worth. Fears from my past lives, my exhaustion was tied to the world and the need to be in this patriarchal society. Im done. Its over with, man. And learning to accept my pain in all of it, made things full circle. I had to start all over, another thing in adulthood that isn't everyones favorite. But its starting to become mine.

What I'm learning now, is that I can appreciate why I was running. I'm still going back and forth with me on if I'm truly 'nonbinary' or not, and what that even means for a woman like me. What does it mean to like woman and to want to be in the closet knowing pleasure is around the corner. And what am I even doing? What was the point of it? For the male gaze? Idk.

But for once in my life, I'm getting the hang of appreciating my inner self / inner child instead of forcing her inside the house never letting her see the sunshine on a beautiful day.

I got it all figured out... not. But that's the beauty of it all.

[aching-tummies]

"my tummy hurts" "toldya not to drink all that milk" 😑

This one took me a while to write a scenario for. I was trying to figure out a scenario in which I'd actually drink a lot of dairy and have been warned against it by a partner. I'm not really keen on the idea of doing the milk galleon challenge so I didn't want to use that as the obvious scenario. Hopefully this one doesn't disappoint.

“Nnngh...” I bite my lip, swallowing apprehensively as I feel something sour at the back of my throat.

“What's up?”

“N-Nothing.” I glare at you as we continue walking on uneven terrain.

We were downtown a little over twenty minutes ago, celebrating with some friends. A few of us had things to celebrate so we all came together to be merry together. Elyse had gotten accepted into her first choice for a Master's degree program. Tyler and his band were in talks with some record companies. Sasha and her partner had gotten engaged just a few days prior. And I had managed to win over a major funding deal at my non-profit job with a presentation that had apparently blown the people with the grant money out of the water. Things were looking up all around and we spent a long time going around sharing in the good news and buying each other drinks as well as debating who got the biggest 'win' if we had to rank them. At the end of it, Tyler and I were voted the biggest winners because our achievements were immediately financially quantifiable. Thanks to that, the two of us were treated to more drinks than we could count.

It wasn't just alcoholic drinks, of course. We're all in our twenties so $7 for a couple of mouthfuls of a drink that burns going down is not being smart with our money. Of course, neither is boba...but we like to think boba is somehow more worth it than shots or whatever because of the volume of drink for our buck and all that. We started out with dinner at a restaurant and had food and alcohol there, then we moved to a boba shop to continue our celebrations because the restaurant was busy and was antsy about having the table free for another reservation (they weren't mean about it and most of us have worked food before, so we vacated without being bitter about it).

The day started out kind of hectic. You had insisted on being a distraction all morning, keeping me in bed long passed my alarm and causing me to be hasty trying to get myself ready and out the door for work today. In my haste, I'd poured much more milk into my thermos of coffee than I'd intended but had no time to fix it as I'd already have to sprint to have a hope of catching the bus to the office.

Partially to make up for being a clingy beast in the morning, and also to kind of tease me about whether or not I'd make it to my office in-time, you had ordered a latte to be delivered to my office an hour into my shift. Unknown to you at the time, the order had glitched on the delivery app, resulting in three large lattes being sent to my office, one every two hours. I thought you were just being silly and I'm not one to waste a gift if I can help it. I did pawn off the last one of the day to a flustered intern as I only had forty minutes left to my shift at that point and my stomach was getting a bit uncomfortable at all of the coffee. I'd skipped lunch because my belly had been so bloated with coffee (and milk) after drinking the botched one in my thermos and two of the large lattes you'd sent. I told you the story after coming home as we were both scrambling to get dressed for a night out with our friends.

The restaurant we'd agreed to meet our friends at was in the heart of downtown. Parking would have been a nightmare, not to mention overpriced to hell and back. We did what we usually do: we have legs, we can walk. So we drove and parked at a large mall just outside of downtown and had opted to walk into the heart of the city to avoid having to pay for parking. The path to the restaurant from the mall was mostly down-hill, so we were there in roughly fifty-five minutes. Heading back to the car after our celebrations, on the other hand...

I wince and pat my stomach. It's bloated up quite a bit since we started walking from downtown. After being voted biggest winner, Tyler and I had been treated to the largest boba from the shop—a cup boasting an entire litre of their famous milk tea (a litre of the liquid, not including toppings). Including toppings and the whip and everything else on it (Pocky sticks, wafer cookies—the works), in total that one drink could have easily filled up two or three stomachs.

“Nnngh...” I double over, arms wrapped around my turbulent tummy. The path between town and the mall is full of hills and intersections, sidewalks, and other obstacles. Not to mention that it's only the cusp of Spring right now and there are still patches of ice and snow everywhere. Our area has tons of gopher holes, but even without them the holes from uneven snow-melt are similar enough in that they'll sprain your ankles if you don't pay attention. The walk is filled with many ups and downs and my stomach sloshes at every single one of them.

“You sure you okay, babe?” Your cheeky grin and your tone betray your true intentions. You already know the answer to your question, you kinky jerk.

You knew my tummy was already upset from all the lattes throughout the day. It took an impressive amount of willpower on your part not to get handsy while I told you about the coffee glitch and was cycling through my closet, trying to find something that would fit around my slightly distended belly.

As the night progressed, you intentionally ordered me the creamiest entree on the menu at the restaurant and had practically drooled when you saw the signature litre and imagined all of it going into my tummy. Despite your fantasy, you had cautioned me what that drink would do to my stomach.

Even now, it's taking an impressive amount of willpower for you to walk in front of me, leading the way back to the car. You feel like Orpheus, being challenged not to look back during the long journey. You know that if you allow yourself to look back or to get your hands on my tummy, we're not making it back to the car before dark.

“Nnnngh...ugh...m-my tummy hurts.” I mutter. I was originally trying to hide my discomfort. I knew you were right about the signature litre...but it tasted good and I didn't want to have to carry such a large cup for the long walk back to our car. I'm regretting my choice now though—not just the signature litre, but everything from the moment I got out of bed.

“I told ya not ta drink all that milk.” You admonish.

I glare at you.

“Who was it that ordered the creamiest pasta on the menu for me at the restaurant?”

“Who was it that drank the signature litre?”

“It was a gift! Refusing it would have been rude!” My outburst is punctuated by an agonizing grumble from my belly. I finally stop, standing still and putting both of my hands on my belly.

You finally turn around but the second you do you curse yourself. My stomach has bloated up noticeably since we left downtown and the sight of it framed between my hands goes straight to your groin. Walking any further is going to be uncomfortable for you as well, maybe with the discomfort focused much lower than the stomach area, but still a discomfort nonetheless.

[the-firebird69]

1993 World Trade Center bombing - Wikipedia

"The 1993 World Trade Center bombing was a terrorist attack carried out by Al-Qaeda against the United States on February 26, 1993, when a van bomb detonated below the North Tower of the World Trade Center complex in Manhattan, New York City. The 1,336 lb (606 kg) urea nitrate–hydrogen gas enhanced device[1] was intended to make the North Tower collapse onto the South Tower, taking down both skyscrapers and killing tens of thousands of people. While it failed to do so, it killed six people, including a pregnant woman,[2] and caused over a thousand injuries.[3] A"

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1993_World_Trade_Center_bombing#:~:text=The%201993%20World,3%5D%20About

They attempted to blame our son for this action. They put him in a mental facility during it. No. Immediately prior to. He then sold his van to persons who appeared to be Pakistani was Trump his brother and son. ...

Her son is simply saying that you're so stupid you need to be put down like rabid dogs and you were that dumb back then and we agree....

He's not at the scene and people had to beat on where he was 24/7 as they always do and you kept trying to blame him and people kept telling you to shut your f****** face it was not his idea either they know it happened at this havoline house and you're a f****** stupid they're out there watching and you're sitting there with your hand signals and you implicated yourself and he's not afraid of getting complained he doesn't have any involvement with it and he couldn't have you in power because he wanted to blame him and have him go to jail for what you did and he didn't even come close to it and everybody knows it and a ton of people are hitting you because of this stupid s*** you do trying to blame some complete innocent person for it and you have exposed the Mac proper for their method and they wanted to try and capture our people and you kept doing it to our son and doing it and a ton of us got out of trouble any of this hokey idiot it says you're using people to do it then you're stupid but really we are going to go after you very hard and this incident he says is something that made him very angry in and of itself and besides that he started this mental health stuff and mental hospital stuff to try and blame someone who's not involved in anything it says everybody goes after you and takes you down because you're doing it and won't stop he said it's a doctor kind and Dr David Curran said they don't have to do something to you and I said that's why they're going after you stupid s*** point you f****** dumb you don't understand English you know people want your stuff and they want your job and he said this I can't stop what I'm doing To hm and I have to do it. Now son stood up and it said it's over you're done I'm putting you on the list and he said no and we did and we've been trying to nail him for ages and he's gotten killed many many times and way too many to mention and his brain is a piece of piece of crap and he's still doing stupid s*** to our son because he's an imbicile

And we are going to bring you up on terrorist charges Trump because you keep harping on our son for something that's completely absolutely 100% innocent of. And it was a move and it was to try and start a war and you're trying to like hide from it by picking the absolutely wrong person to blame in any way and he said it too where did the truck go people say they saw it but no they blew it up and they're going to get in trouble cuz they're seen buying it he says once you buy it it's yours and he said you drove it out there message your delusional happy little f*** cuz they watch me nowhere I am and the same crews are talking to people while they're watching your dumbasses and they verify who you Are by skinny you while you're driving along like to do every day in Florida and every day here in North Carolina where he's talking to so the guy starts talking some s*** this is what the f*** are you going to do that you're so stupid everybody knows and they have to take you out of power so you don't do something so juvenile and idiotic and stupid that they'll have to all pay for what your dumb asses are going to do and he says this I don't know what to tell you where it's going to go ahead with our plan and lose he says I know the other morlock are going after you and your small so you won't exist it's almost like they did it on purpose like a purse and you got really mad and he started shouting and start getting information to find out it was true and he's fighting them too and they're going to all die and they really should find out because boys it's stupid blame him for that was a huge surprise that they would do that and they're in videos singing about it before it happened and they're in the Jets and people see them jamming signals and screwing around with the commercial airliner and they have them every which way but Sunday being physically there and involved they have them with the van beforehand they have them getting the explosives on video they have their fingerprints and their mannerisms and their half of them outside talking smack and handing the orders out and stuff the people in Massachusetts and they have them all over the place and all these agents from the FBI the CIA the DEA department of Justice and NSA mostly it's with the FBI so let's hope he's stupid enough to try and go after it

Thor Freya

Olympus

Well these people are weird very sick and stupid and they can't take a hint it's going to occur to them that they're wrong pretty soon

Hera

[hopewritcs]

unexpected once again.

pairing: jim hopper x reader. 

word count: 2.1k

a request from anonymous: can you do a part 2 that follows st4 for well, that was unexpected???

notes: me, still crying over st4 vol 2 now writing this??? u betcha!!! st4 vol 2 spoilers !!!!!!  

part one | part two 

stranger things tag list: @rockstarmunson​ ( if you want to be added to the prodigal sister tag list, please ask ! )

You had been distraught when you thought Jim was dead. How else were you supposed to feel when the man you had just met, the man who was your soulmate, just died because of something you couldn’t even control or predict. 

Of course, Joyce continued to try to convince you that he wasn’t dead. That he had to be alive out there somewhere, but you didn’t know if you believed it. Maybe you just couldn’t believe it. 

You had your soulmate for a grand total of minutes before he died. 

If you thought about it logically, you knew that you would feel it if your soulmate was really gone. But logic went out the window when you thought about the fact that he was dead, that you had lost him just as you had found him. You would never get the chance to be with your soulmate, even if everything had aligned this was how the world had always intended for you two to meet. 

Had the world known what it was planning all along? That he was walking into something that could get him killed? 

You could never forgive the world for that, that they had just given you your soulmate only to take him away. 

Sure, you had your news desk reporter job. Hell, it was just a small time thing. A desk reporter job for a small new station. Or at least that’s what you thought was going on. You imagined it was going to be a way to ease into the world of reporting since it was just the small town of Hawkins--80 miles away from the big city of Indianapolis. 

The night you lost your soulmate changed everything. 

Suddenly Hawkins was country wide news for a time, and as a local news reporter you were on the news practically the whole time. Talking to other field reporters, taking calls from local and non-local syndicates, offering your own piece of mind as someone who had been at the mall. 

The job you assumed was going to be a starter job turned into the job you always wanted, a big time reporting job right from the place you’d just moved. Indianapolis was coming to you live every morning for the first few months of your job, and they even offered for you to move out to the city. 

But you couldn’t say yes. Something was keeping you in the small town that you had just moved to, even though the soulmate you had just lost was no longer there. 

Neither was his daughter, or his friend who had become yours. Though you kept in touch with both of them with phone calls. 

Joyce was still adamant that Jim was alive, and to be frank your resolve was waning. As time passed, you found yourself looking down at the writing on your arm. Thinking to the funeral that there had been for Jim and wondering about everything else. Wouldn’t you know if he were really gone? Shouldn’t you feel different? 

What if he was out there? 

What if he was waiting for you and you stood by the town and hadn’t gone looking for him? 

You got a phone call from a frantic Murray one day as he was packing things up to go to California, and you missed about half of what he said. What you caught was that Joyce thought she had gotten a message from Jim and he was going to help her investigate. 

“Tell me everything.” you found yourself saying, closing the door to your office and listening as Murray spoke quickly. 

“I don’t know if we’ll find him.” Murray said. You knew he was skeptical, but that was just who Murray was. He was always skeptical of everything, especially when it came to the Russians. 

“Be careful.” you replied, suddenly struck with worry for both him and Joyce. “Let me know what happens, please.” A knock on your office door startled you and you looked down at the phone. “I have to go, Murray. Call me when you’re with Joyce, and just...do everything you can.” 

Murray said his goodbyes in Russian, and you’re unsure if that was meant to comfort you or to worry you--maybe a bit of both. Then you sat back in your chair and sighed.

You were distracted with so many thoughts when the knock on your door sounded again, the voice on the other side telling you it was nearly time to get on the air. 

“I’m coming.” you said, but your voice nearly betrayed your emotions. 

Be safe, you said. Find Jim. Maybe there was hope. 

You didn’t hear back from Murray and it worried you more than anything. At least if you had heard from Murray and Joyce maybe you’d be able to sleep at night, a bit worried about whatever they were getting themselves into, but not a single word? You didn’t know what to think of that.

Every time you called Joyce’s house, the number you had memorized, the signal was just busy and you didn’t think she was doing enough telemarketing phone calls to cause all of that. Plus, there was no way that Jonathan was calling Nancy enough to cause that busy signal too. 

Fuck. 

Your worry only grew with everything that was happening in the town. You had to report on murders, but going to the crime scenes you knew that something was up with everything. 

This wasn’t the work of some teenage kid like the town wanted to think, but you were reporting the news and had to keep the town up to date on what was going on with the investigation. You just knew that this was going the way everything had been last summer--but you didn’t know who to turn to to talk about that. 

You didn’t have Jim, Joyce or Murray. Maybe you could find the group of teens, but you didn’t know where they might be. 

You were a journalist at heart, a reporter on screen who needed to know everything. So you took the opportunities at hand and walked the routes you knew would give you clues to help your own reporting. 

Of course, who knew that you would once again wind up walking into the middle of everything--finding the group of kids on the shoreline as you watched the older teens getting into the boat. 

“Shit. That’s the lady from the news.” the curly haired teen, the one you recognized as Eddie Munson who everyone in town wanted to believe was behind the killings, said. “Oh shit, I’m dead.” 

“Chill, Munson. It’s just Y/N.” Robin said, rolling her eyes and turning to look at you. 

“You know her?” he asked, looking at the group of people around him. “Oh, if this is a fucking set up I’m just gonna swim out of here.” 

“If this was a set up, don’t you think I’d have a camera crew or something.” you said, gesturing around to the empty woods behind you and then looking back at everything. “What the hell is going on?” 

“You’re reporting the killings, right?” Dustin asked, looking at you. When you nodded he added, “Any chance you can try to clear Eddie’s name?”

“Well, the whole town thinks it’s him. No offense, doesn’t really seem like you’re capable of that.” You said, looking at the older teen before turning back to Dustin, “So what’s doing the killings then?” 

“It’s kind of hard to explain.” he said.

“You try it, we’ll go look for the gate.” Steve said, pushing the boat off of the shore and leaving you alone with the younger teens and waiting for them to start talking. 

How on Earth you got involved in all of this, when all you’d been doing was really looking for a killer ( of course that killer had to be another dimensional creature ) and trying to distract yourself from thoughts of your soulmate being alive. 

You couldn’t exactly be involved with the kid’s plans for everything, because of everything involved with it and the fact that you had to work. Technically you had to “lookout” for Eddie Munson sightings and interview people about the murders. 

The least you could do was try and shed some light to give Eddie a good lighting, so you convinced his Uncle to be interviewed on air with you. Promising that you wouldn’t call his nephew the murderer everyone else was and only asking for his side of things. 

After your on air interview, you left and went to be at the trailer that was still technically a crime scene--hoping that you could offer any kind of support that you could. 

When you walked into the trailer, you heard screaming on the other side of the barrier and looked up, watching from the mirror view as Eddie and Dustin fought off the bats in the trailer. 

You didn’t even know what to say, couldn’t find the words--you’d never really seen this happen before your own eyes. Last summer you had been ushered out before everything happened. You’d only heard the stories from everyone else. 

Before you knew it, Dustin was climbing back up the rope and falling beside your feet and then calling for Eddie to do the same. But Eddie didn’t listen to reason, to Dustin’s pleading, to anything, he just moved the mattress away from the rope and cut the way down. 

He was giving the more time. 

You didn’t know what to do, because part of you knew that he was sacrificing himself--like how Joyce told you Jim had done. You were stuck, unmoving. 

It was like the world was screaming, spinning, taking over. 

You couldn’t let them lose someone else. Not when you could possibly do something about it. And sure, maybe Jim wasn’t lost technically, but the funeral flashed in your mind and it was like that all over again. 

You couldn’t do that again. 

But damn it, you had to get your feet to move. 

Dustin was ahead of you, jumping through the barrier and landing wrong. You quickly followed him, grabbing hold of anything you could use as a weapon and racing to follow the young teen into what you were certain was doom. 

But this time, you were doing something. 

It was over. You were at the cabin cleaning everything up for El to stay hidden, getting the inside of the place cleaned up and just hoping that everything was going to be okay. 

Max was in the hospital. 

Eddie was in the hospital. 

You were just hoping that everything would be alright, despite knowing that it probably wasn’t going to be just fine. 

You left the cabin and went around back to see if you could find something to cover up the roof, at least for now. That’s when you heard the car pulling up. 

Everything in you worried that it was something wrong, something horrible, but who knew the cabin was all the way out here? 

Stepping out from behind the cabin you looked up and saw Joyce hugging her sons. 

“Oh my God.” you said, looking at her. You didn’t know what you had expected, but Joyce wasn’t on the top of your list. Part of you thought about Murray. Part of you thought about Jim. 

“Y/N.” she looked at you, still hugging her sons and turning her gaze to look at you. She gave you a small nod, and that was all you needed. Something good had happened. 

You turned around when you heard footsteps, and you felt like the world stopped.

There he was, standing on the porch with his arm around his daughter. He was there. He was real and he was alive. 

You took a half step forward and looked at him. He looked different, but you figured he would--you had no idea what had happened in the time that he had been gone. But maybe you had all the time in the world, whatever was left of it that was, to figure out. 

Jim took a couple of steps toward you, leaving El’s side as he walked down the steps to look at you. “Heard you got involved in all that Scooby Doo shit again.” Jim greeted, a half smirk on his lips as he spoke. 

“Guess it’s kind of our thing now. All over again, huh?” you replied, reaching your hand up to brush his cheek as if you thought he wasn’t real. A soft gesture, a brief moment. “I was so worried about you.” 

“I missed you.” he said. You knew what he meant, too. Because you missed him, too. Despite not knowing him well, despite having only just met him before he had died, before he vanished, you missed him more than you expected to. 

Maybe the world knew what it was doing with this whole soulmate thing after all, you just needed to trust it. 

[gyuphorias]

in a crowd of thousands | l. chan

pairing: fem!reader/lee chan

genre: angst, romance, historical au

word count: 3.4k

summary: you've spent all of your life without any memory of your childhood. now, under the guide of yoon jeonghan and lee chan, you've been prepped to assume the identity of the lost princess of the last royal family of russia. you're all under the assumption that it's a simple ruse, but you know a few too many specific details that threatens your relationship with chan.

warnings: mentions of death, guns (like once), crying, stuggles with identity, amnesia, lowercase intended, reader takes the place of grand duchess anastasia romanov, lee chan takes the role of con artist dimitri.

author's note: this was written for kflixnet's childhood memories event! growing up, i was in love with musical movies and one year in elementary, i performed journey to the past from the movie anastasia in a school musical. since then, i've been in love with this movie and the love that anastasia and dimitri share. though in a crowd of thousands isn't in the movie but rather the broadway musical, this is one of the most memorable broadway songs i've heard. it marks a pivotal turning point in the relationship that anya and dimitri share, and i thought it would be fun to translate the song to a fic format. i worked really hard on this, so i hope you enjoy it!

the chilly winter air of the parisian night is strangely comforting to you as you stand at the window of your hotel room. you lean against the railing and look out over the city, your hands still trembling despite being braced against the metal. closing your eyes, you draw a deep breath and try to steady yourself, to still your racing heart.

the noise of late night paris continues on as it did in the day and still, you can hear the sounds of your nightmare. you could see the rush of people around you, feel hands pushing you forward and fabric brushing past you, hear the terrified whispers as you as your family attempts to escape the palace intact. young and naive, you felt overwhelmingly confused and you swear you’ve never been so scared in your entire life. the entire sequence felt far too close to reality and you’re inclined to start believing it is real.

but no, no, you couldn’t possibly be that missing princess. before this big con job, the only life you’d ever known was one of a lowly street sweeper. no name, no money, no family. you were alone in the world and as far as you were concerned, you always had been. even if you didn’t have amnesia working against you, jeonghan and chan had made sure before you left for paris that you were convincing enough to play the role of the princess.

even so, you’re beginning to question your entire identity; both the one you’ve known your entire life and the one that the con artists (your friends?) concocted for selfish purposes. again, you remind yourself, the nightmares and the memories that have been coming to you have been a little too realistic to be just creations based off of the information drilling jeonghan had put you through when you’d first met and come up with the plan to help one another.

you’re pondering the situation when you’re broken out of your reverie by a simple, quiet knock. you move from the window to the bed, wrapping your robe around you before you give the visitor permission to enter. the door creaks open and soft, golden light fills the room as chan slips in with an oil lamp in his hand. you’re taken aback by his presence here, both because you’ve never really gotten along and because you didn’t think anyone had noticed your nightmare-induced outburst.

“chan,” you say quietly, watching him carefully as he closes the door behind him and turns to look at you. despite your rational mind putting up a fight, you remark to yourself that he looks absolutely radiant right now, like he stepped right out of a renaissance painting.

“sorry for showing up so late,” he responds, walking further into the room and setting his lamp down on the dresser. “i, uh… heard you crying earlier. is everything… okay?”

you wrap your arms around you and sit on the edge of your bed, keeping your eyes trained on your feet. because you’ve never gotten along with the man, you’ve never been put in a position to be vulnerable around him, so to be caught by him in such a moment as this, you feel put out and nervous. you know deep down that he has no ill intentions because everything in the plan hinges on you, but still, you worry about his reaction.

“yes, yes. everything is fine… sorry if i woke you.”

the edge of the mattress sinks down and you turn to look up at chan. his eyes are soft and a little glassy, an expression you’ve never seen on him before. there’s a little conflict brewing in those dark eyes of his and when you glance back down, his hands are flexing against each other. eventually, he reaches over and takes your hand in his own, his fingers pressing hotly into your palm.

“you know you can trust me… right?” he asks, uncharacteristically nervous, quiet. “i know we don’t get along well, but… we’ve been getting better i think… and i want you to know that you can trust me.”

suddenly, you’re overwhelmed with emotion and chan’s distinct features blur into an indistinguishable shape as you tear up. against your better judgment, you collapse against him and he moves quickly to accommodate your body. his arms wrap entirely around your shoulders and press you against him, his cheek against the top of your head. you can’t make out any of the words he says, but you know he’s saying them.

“i don’t know what’s happening, chan,” you cry into his nightshirt, letting the fabric catch all of your tears and electing to worry about it later. “i keep having these… nightmares about her last night and it’s just… it’s so confusing and i don’t know what to do.”

chan’s hand smooths down your back, catching on the silk of your robe. his arms are so tight around you, so warm, and you swear you’ve never felt so protected in your life. here, with chan like this, you feel like nothing can get to you: not the cold parisian winter, not the nightmares you’ve been having your whole life, not any enemy, be they real or imaginary. it’s the first time in all of your twenty years that you’ve felt safe.

you’ve come to know this boy as a charmer, a schemer, sarcastic and unable to keep himself from making jokes. when he showed up at your door, you half expected him to give you that commonplace playfulness, but he doesn’t. no, instead, he offers you comforting silence and a warm embrace, something real and warm to anchor yourself in this moment. he’s not sure what you’re going through entirely, not yet at least, but it doesn’t deter him from being here for you anyways.

“who do you think i am, chan?” you question once you’ve calmed down a bit, your voice uneven and scratchy from tears.

“if i was the dowager empress, i would want you to be my granddaughter,” he answers immediately.

though you know it’s coming from a place of blind innocence, it’s still the wrong answer. it’s not what you want to hear right now, it’s not what you need to hear. you want him to affirm your beliefs, to tell you that you aren’t going crazy, to say that you might seriously be the grand duchess that went missing all those years ago.

“you would?” you ask, pressing him further.

“yes,” he responds almost exasperatedly. “and i would want her to be beautiful and strong and intelligent and kind-”

“is that what you think i am?”

chan goes a little stiff under you at the question and you finally pull away to look up at him. his jaw, soft and fuzzy in the lamplight, is set, skin taut over bone. you can practically see the conflict in his eyes once again.

“...yes,” he finally answers.

a silence falls between you and you just… stare at one another. his gaze is unwavering, tense, full of inaction, though you know not what. the moment feels like it stretches for hours, just the two of you sharing the most meaningful, genuine experience you’ve ever had together. it makes you glad that you’re moving away from being so terrible to each other.

“thank you.” your voice is a little meek, a little quiet, but there’s a newfound strength at its edge. you suppose chan’s words carried more weight than you initially thought.

chan nods, a little dumbfounded, and he pulls away from you. “...you’re welcome.”

silence falls once again, but this time, it’s less than comfortable. it seemed, for just a few long minutes, things were on the mend with you and chan, but you fear you’ve ruined it now. you don’t know how or for what reason, but you feel like you’ve made a mistake opening up to him like this. he’s never been your friend, just a means of getting you to paris, in the same way that you’ve never been his friend, just a means of claiming the reward money from the dowager empress with your carefully planned ruse.

“do you really think i might be her?” you finally break the silence, not able to stand the tension any longer. you just have to keep talking because you might disappear on the spot otherwise.

for the second time tonight, chan looks taken aback. you’re not sure if it’s because of the question, your decision to continue being vulnerable with him, or both, but you suppose it doesn’t really matter. you’ve already cried in his arms tonight, which is the most vulnerable you’ve ever been in the presence of another person, so you might as well commit to it.

“i… want to believe that you’re the little girl i saw once many years ago,” chan admits, turning away from you. he sets his focus on the window, curtains still open to reveal the glittering gold of the city outside.

there’s quiet, stillness for a few beats and you’re preparing yourself to ask him to tell you the story of the time he saw the princess when he squares his shoulders a little bit. his hands flex in his lap once again and you can practically see the way the gears in his mind turn, sorting through the story he wants to tell.

“when i was ten,” he begins easily, his eyes still trained on the dark horizon outside the window. “there was this parade in the summer. i was in this crowd of… thousands of people and i could barely see the street, but… i caught this perfect glance of a girl. she was maybe eight years old, just a kid, but she sat straight as a queen and she seemed so proud. the second everyone saw her, they just started… cheering, but all i could do was stare at her. i was so mesmerized.”

he turns to look at you and you suddenly realize that you’re the one doing the staring now. until then, you’d been lost in his story, flashes of a memory of a parade in june that you were on the fringes of recalling entirely. he smiles, one that’s barely there, and his eyes sparkle just a bit. you blink almost stupidly at him, trying to get him to continue the story.

“anyways, once i realized that she was getting farther away, i started pushing my way through the crowd so i could see her better, just chasing her carriage down the street. at some point, i started calling out her name to get her attention as i got closer to her. eventually, she turned and looked at me and she… she smiled at me.”

you study his side profile and you swear, even from your vantage point, you can see a few tears brimming in his eyes. a warmth is growing in your chest as you watch him, listen to his story. the more he speaks, the more tangible this memory becomes, all summer sun and loud cheers and the voice of a young boy calling out a name.

“i could barely see her because the sun was in my eyes, but i noticed her smile. and then she was gone, the parade traveling on down the road. even now, i think i’d be able to find her again, even in a crowd of thousands.”

“you’re making me feel i was there too,” you say, surprising yourself when your voice comes out a little watery and uneven. you don’t even know why you’re on the brink of crying again, but you are.

chan turns back towards you, his eyes back to being soft and glowy, almost like he was ten years old again and physically reliving the memory he’d just relayed. to be in the presence of a princess and to have her smile at you like that… well, surely you can understand why he’s still so starstruck by the moment.

he shrugs at you and gestures to you with a hand, almost like he’s directing you to take the stage. “maybe you were. make it part of the story.”

you nod a bit and take a few moments to recall the highlights of chan’s memory, what would make it believable if you were to talk about the story as the princess. you feel like something akin to an author, creating a narrative like this on the spot, and you must admit, it feels natural almost.

“it was a hot day in the middle of june. there wasn’t a single cloud in the sky while my carriage rolled down the street. i was… waving to people in the crowd like my mother taught me to do and when i turned to look at the other side of the street, a boy caught my eye. he was thin, not too clean-”

at this, chan reaches over to swat at your shoulder, but you dodge it, smiling at him. you can tell just from the grin on his face that he’s not taking it to heart.

“the guards on the side of the road were trying to stop him, but he dodged them easily. he really made himself seen in that crowd of thousands… then he started to run and call out my name from the crowd, pushing past other onlookers. my mother was trying to hurry the carriage driver because she was worried about what the boy might do, but… i wasn’t scared at all. in fact, i tried hard not to smile, but i did anyways and then…”

and then, all at once, like floodgates opening, everything comes rushing in. what you thought was a simple little tale, something to back up the missing princess scheme, becomes a memory. you can see it so clearly and you know that this isn’t a figment of your imagination, not something your brain concocted after being taught everything there was to know about the princess.

“he… bowed.”

you stand, striding away to put distance between you and the boy you’d seen so many years ago. behind you, the bedframe creaks and you can hear the rattling breath that chan draws in. he must be as dumbfounded as you, all of his words about hoping that you really were the missing princess coming true right before his eyes.

“i didn’t tell you that part,” he says quietly, his voice on the edge of shaking.

you turn back to look at him, your eyes wide. “you didn’t have to… i remember.”

once more, you share a silence, but there is something drastically different about it this time. it’s not comforting or tense. it feels significant, literally life-changing. something about you, about your relationship with chan will never be the same after this. you want to worry about it, but as he looks at you, his gaze piercing you to your very core, you can’t. you just can’t find it in yourself to worry about anything when you’re caught in this moment with him.

as you stand there, starstruck through to your bones, chan closes the distance between you in just a few steps and takes both of your hands in his. the whole time, his gaze is trained on you and all of it is unwavering, almost like if he looks away, you’ll disappear the same way you had back then. you want to promise that you won’t ever do that to him, not again, but the words feel stuck in your throat.

“with the sun in my eyes, you were gone,” you whisper unevenly, staring up at him. everything you’ve done, everything you’re doing in this moment feels so monumental and as scary as it is, you still don’t want to leave it.

“even then, i knew i’d find you again.”

chan’s voice is quieter, more gentle than you’ve ever heard it in all the time you’ve known him. he lets go of one of your hands to cradle your cheek, an action you’ve never once considered would come from him, and suddenly, you realize what that desire of his was earlier in the night and you don’t necessarily hate it.

you’ve spent months with him and most of those months, you’ve convinced yourself that lee chan is the worst: crass, annoying, and a smartass who doesn’t know when to shut up sometimes. though, as you look back now, you recall all the moments when he’s allowed a little bit of that facade to slip away, when he’s been kinder and gentler with you, and things begin to make a lot more sense.

and you can’t deny that he’s a handsome man. hell, you’ll even let yourself admit that he’s probably the most handsome man you’ve ever seen, that maybe you’re a little attracted to him and have been for a while. you didn’t want to admit it before, but now it seems inevitable, like something that was simply meant to happen. he was your childhood infatuation, someone you’d only seen one time, but he’d left such an impression on you that it feels like fate that he was the key to remembering your identity, the salvation you needed to get away from your life as a beggar in leningrad.

chan leads you closer by the hand still in his, drawing you into him ever so slowly. and in doing so, he leans in closer, centimeter by centimeter. you can feel the beginnings of his hot breath on your face and the comforting warmth of his palm against your cheek. you realize how badly you want this, how badly you want him; you’ve never experienced romance before and this kind of longing is entirely new to you, but you know you need him in your life like this. you’ve been through too much in the last fifteen minutes to just lose him.

and you’re starting to think he feels the same way, understands the gravity of the moment you just shared when he’s ripping away from you all too suddenly. your cheek, a little dewy from the heat of his hand, goes chilly as he backs away from you quickly. all the warmth drains out of you and you’re too stunned to question him. you just know that you want him back, that you want to be back in his embrace, but you also know that he’s not going to give you that satisfaction and you want to be mad at him for his selfishness.

you watch as he sinks down to one knee, bowing his head to you, and it all makes sense again. with your memories coming back piece by piece, you remember that he was a kitchen boy, just a lowly commoner in your family’s court before it was destroyed. your upbringing cannot be ignored, the etiquette drilled into you from the second your parents could start educating you on the matters of love and marriage within the royal court, so you know this is how it must be, especially with you so close to reclaiming your rightful title.

but then, you spent more of your years as a street urchin, some commoner just like him because you’d lost your family and your memory of ever having been a grand duchess. sure, your identity is restored, but do those teachings still apply to you with your family destroyed and no longer in power? you want to argue that they don’t, that you’re free to love whoever you choose because you no longer have a throne to return to or parents to please or royal duties to fulfill. it’s your choice now and you want to tell chan that you choose him.

but he’s making your choice for you, putting social and physical distance between you after you’ve spent so long being equals. he won’t even hear you out, won’t let you get a word in. it’s not like you even try to, seeing as you’re too choked up to get a single noise out, but you want to. you want to talk to him more than you’ve ever wanted anything and still, you can’t will yourself to speak.

he leaves without you saying a word. he leaves you in a cold hotel room in the middle of a parisian winter night. he leaves you grappling with the realization of your true identity and everything that came after.

and though you’ve spent so many years of your life by yourself, you’ve never felt so alone.

[discopig]

That other girl (Thomas Shelby x Reader) [Part 1/3]

This is lowkey inspired by Sevdaliza’s song “That other girl” so give it a listen, she’s really underrated. As a member of the Grace love-hate relationship club, and an angst lover, I’m going to enjoy writing this. I might give it a fluffy ending but we’ll see! This isn’t set in any specific season because I honestly enjoy kinda ignoring the original plotline of the show... whoops! This is a short intro chapter

When Grace Burgess moves to Birmingham, she’s automatically the star of the show, her gracious face and innocence capturing the hearts of those who lay their eyes on her, but you don’t buy it. Her sudden appearance and posh aura setting your intuition off, a perk you’d gained from being around Polly so much. At first you try to ignore her presence, but when your boyfriend, and long time friend - Thomas Shelby, takes a keen liking to Grace, could you ever win against that other girl? Word Count: 978

Part 2 | Part 3

It was your regular evening at the Garrison, hundreds of drunk men piled up in the bar, the sounds of laughter and yelling penetrating your eardrums. You had been working at the Garrison for over 9 years, first accepting the job as a way to make some cash as you were only 18 when you ran away from your family, and the position happened to be vacant. You never intended to stay, the fumes of the factories and dark alleys in Birmingham being a stark contrast to the posh greenery and lavish villas you grew up with, however life doesn’t always work out the way you plan.

You were now 27 and if you were being honest - you hadn’t realized just how quickly the time had flown by... Well, when you know the Shelby family, it’s almost impossible for time to not fly by. You had gotten to know the Shelby family when Harry made you deliver 6 bottles of whiskey to their offices, a task you were afraid to take on, seeing as you were no stranger to the rumours about the Shelby family, and being new to Birmingham the last thing you wanted was trouble with the gangsters who have the city in the palm of their hands.

You had worn your plain brown cotton dress - the best item you could afford with the money you received from your job, and began your journey to the betting shop, trudging along the streets of Birmingham with the box of whiskey bottles. From that day on, Harry allowed you to serve the Shelby’s and you quickly got close to all of them, but one of them had completely stolen your heart - Tommy.

You’d never expected to fall for him, until you found yourself enamored by every word he’d say during family meetings, and lay in bed at night remembering every slight glance, or acknowledgement he’d given you. It was a stupid crush, and Tommy was quite a bit older than you and most likely saw you as nothing but a silly young girl, but when he started coming to the Garrison alone, eliciting your company to rant about his issues, or joke with you about how stupid Arthur was, he found himself falling in love with you too, your untouched innocence drastically standing out from the tainted souls of Birmingham, the way your eyes crinkled up when you’d smile, your London accent peeking through when you’d talk too quickly or how a cigarette looked almost like an expensive piece of jewelry between your fingers. So your love blossomed, and you became Thomas Shelby’s girl.

You had just delivered a bucket of beer to a table in the corner of the Garrison and were heading back to the bar, when all of a sudden you found yourself laying on the floor, the pain from your ankle hissing through your body

“Oh for fucks sake!” you exclaimed. Harry rushed over after seeing your condition - him having become an almost father like figure to you over the years.

“Are you alright Y/N?” he asked, concern beaming from his eyes

“I think I’ve sprained my bloody ankle or somethin’, it hurts like ‘ell”

Harry shook his head and offered to pick you up, you reached out to him and he took you to a taxi outside the Garrison

“Clyde, you’re gonna have to carry her up to her apartment” he said to the young taxi driver, who simply nodded in response

“You don’t need to come in, make sure you get your ankle fixed alright? Call a doctor or somethin’” 

“I will Harry, don’t worry ‘bout me, I’ll be back before you know it” you smiled at him, always being able to maintain your high spirits.

It had been two weeks since you’d been to work, your ankle was now in fairly good condition, however you still needed to be careful. Tommy had visited you almost every day, despite him being obviously tired, John had also visited a lot, always cracking jokes and making your tiny apartment smell like expensive cigars.

You’re wearing a green apron-style cotton dress with a white cardigan and some white flats - heels no longer a possible choice for the time being - your hair pinned back in a low bun, with a few loose strands at the front. You aren’t going into work today, you’re simply going to visit as you miss Harry and the bustle of the bar.

The bar isn’t as busy as usual as it’s only 2 PM. When you walk in you find Harry behind the bar, polishing some of the shot glasses, he beams when he sees you

“Y/N! I see your ankle is doing better”

“It is Harry, sadly I can’t work yet or Dr. Prew will kill me, but I’m just happy to leave my apartment for once! How have things been without me? Hope you’re not suffering too much eh?”

“Oh no no, thinks have been quite smooth with the new barmaid” he replied

“New barmaid?” you questioned

“Yeah, her name is Grace. Didn’t Tommy mention her? He’s been here almost everyday, she usually serves them and tends the bar”

“No... he never mentioned a new barmaid. Well, I’m happy you’ve had help while I’ve been gone, hopefully I’ll get to meet said Grace soon” 

You tried to sound enthusiastic, but not only were the thoughts of reasons as to why Tommy would refrain from telling you about your new colleague plaguing your mind, you also weren’t too happy about having to share the bar with someone else aside from Harry. You had gotten used to it and felt as though she might ruin your flow, and take away your usual tips.

Your deep thought is suddenly interrupted by the sound of the Garrison door slamming shut

“I’m back with the new glasses” A female voice exclaimed. You turned to the direction of the voice and felt your spirit bury itself six feet underground

Shit chapter but oh well... It’s 2 AM and I’m exhausted ❤

[azucanela]

Hi! i’d like to request a Zuko x Reader oneshot please and it takes place a few years after he’s crowned as the Fire Lord: Zuko is entering suitable age for marriage and yet he has no one that he likes enough to take as his queen, what if Uncle Iroh hired the reader whom is a famous matchmaker that usually arranges the courting & marriage between nobles, but instead of all these ladies that she threw at him he ended up falling for her instead but he’s just so awkward and inexperienced Thank u

INAMORATA | ZUKO X READER

SUMMARY: after a few years of being Fire Lord, Zuko still hasn’t found a companion. so naturally, when Iroh comes upon a matchmaker, he does what he does best and helps Zuko out by hiring her to help him find someone. and inadvertently... iroh ends up playing matchmaker himself. 

WORD COUNT: 12.6k

WARNINGS: mentions of death, death threats, kissing, pining, very mild innuendos, blood, injuries, crying

A/N: this is literally art omg i feel kinda honored to be seeing this ngl and i ended up researching matchmaking and they’re basically therapists that help you find love?? kinda. the profile thing is something that some matchmakers do and idk i have fun analyzing zuko so

in·am·o·ra·ta/iˌnaməˈrädə/

noun

a woman with whom one is in love or has intimate relations.

ATTEMPT ZERO

After years of being the Fire Lord, Zuko had come to realize the job was pretty basic if you thought about it long enough. There were just a few major things to deal with. First, there’s the internal relations, like the civil wars and uprising he deal with at the start of his reign because people disliked his ways. Then there’s the external relations, Zuko worked alongside Aang to repair those, helping the Southern Water Tribe rebuild itself from the ground up, and hosting meetings between the nations, friendly and work related. Those are the more diplomatic aspects of the job, and sadly, even as a ruler who sought to end a war, there was still violence in the world. 

When Aang and the rest of Team Avatar ended the One Hundred Year War, that only exposed a variety of other problems within the world, problems that the team seeked to end. There were people out there who disliked this line of thinking, and similarly wanted it to end, but ending the lives of Team Avatar.

Zuko was used to the death threats, and the assassination attempts. He’d had a security detail in place to ensure he lived to rule his nation, this was especially necessary since he lacked an heir and the only other people eligible for the throne were an old man who ran a tea shop and a psychopathic teenage girl in a mental institution. This is where the social aspect of the job came in, the part that Zuko had never been good at. The Galas and the girls who threw themselves at him, the nobility of all nations that approached him offering their children’s hand in marriage. Zuko was an enigma, a young and powerful bachelor, and now all the nobles with children were lining up for a minute alone with him to try and sell their own kids.

It disgusted him. The way they treated their children like cattle reminded Zuko of his own father, how willing he was to get rid of Zuko since he had a replacement on standby. Though, Zuko sincerely doubted he ever would’ve gotten the throne if Ozai had a choice, even if he hadn’t been banished. 

Alas, even Zuko could recognize the urgency of it, the death threats weren’t letting up, and the assassination attempts were only getting more and more elaborate, leaving Zuko wondering when they’d no longer be attempts. He needed and heir, or at least a wife who could rule alongside him and take over entirely in the event of his death.

The problem was, he didn’t want this.

He was in a unique position, where the person he married would have an immense effect on society, on politics. If it was an Earth Kingdom girl, then maybe the years of violence against their people could be mended sooner, and they could begin working together to combat a variety of issues. If he ends up with a Fire Nation girl, it could be viewed as strengthening the traditional ideals of Fire Nation independence and sovereignty because the Fire Nation is “supreme.”

Dating was political now and he hated it. It wasn’t like Zuko wanted to be alone, it’s just that now everything mattered far more than it used to. Of course, even as a prince it had been the same, but now that he was the Fire Lord, things seemed to be ten times worse. Perhaps it was excessive but Zuko couldn’t help but feel paranoid whenever a new person entered his life, he couldn’t help but assume that they were just using him for some other agenda.

Of course, his friends had tried to assure him this wasn’t always the case, and they’d even made attempts to set him up with girls. All of which had failed. Zuko knew he wasn’t an easy person, much less an easy person to date. As Fire Lord, a lot of his time was taken up by meetings, and diplomatic missions, and not-so-diplomatic missions alongside Team Avatar. That and he was rather awkward when it came down to most social interactions, though he’d improved over time, especially as the ruler of a nation, his speeches were elegant and so was the way he negotiated with other kingdoms. 

And yet he struggled to talk to strangers.

Iroh seemed to be tired of this as well, he’d sent Zuko several letters in regards to his lack of romance, insisting that he was a “handsome young man” that had “lots of potential” and he was “wasting” his prime with so much work. Zuko didn’t consider managing a country as a waste, though he understood where Iroh was coming from, Zuko probably should’ve been spending time with friends, going to clubs. Not saving the world.

Regardless, there wasn’t much he could do about, he didn’t have time for dating, and Zuko wasn’t willing to compromise his morals and beliefs just for an heir in the event that he got brutally murdered. He refused to raise a child just for that purpose. He learnt the hard way that you should only have kids if you intend to cherish them. And the idea of marrying someone just to strengthen his nation felt wrong, though he could see the benefits.

God, he hated being Fire Lord sometimes.

On the other hand, Y/N L/N liked her job. Amongst the nobility of the Earth Kingdom, she was a rather famous woman, Y/N had brought together some of the most powerful couples in the country. A lot of people owed her favors, and the money that came with the job was more than satisfactory. If Y/N had to guess, she was one of the richest people in the kingdom, considering how much people were willing to pay to fine “the one.” Her business had been rather successful since she’d gotten renowned in the inner ring of the city, and now, Y/N was considering expansion, to the Fire Nation. The borders had long since reopened, when the new Fire Lord came into power.

A whole new set of nobles for her to profit from. 

She’d decided to head to a high end tea shop in celebration of her choice to expand her business. Y/N had heard it was only for the best, since the tea shop served the best. One of her clients had insisted that someone of her esteem try the tea there, given that she was the best in her own profession.

So, here she was. It was a nice place, she wouldn’t deny, and Y/N had heard of the shop before. The Jasmine Dragon, run by some old guy who’d appeared in Ba Sing Se just before the war ended with some major talent when it came to brewing tea. The interior was fancy, but not excessive, several people were already seated within. Y/N even recognized one of the couples there, who waved at her enthusiastically, “hello! Lady L/N, how lovely to see you!” One of them called out.

Y/N smiled at them, “how are you two?”

The other beamed at her as she responded, “oh we’re just lovely! Preparing our wedding invitations and one of them has your name on it.” This wasn’t abnormal, most of the couples she’d brought together attributed their love to her. In actuality, Y/N found that if you found two people with compatible personalities, then they’d work things out on their own. All she did was introduce them. 

“I’m excited!” Y/N assured, moving past their table, “now if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to try this famous tea. But, I’m looking forward to the invite.” 

The pair nodded, before returning their attention the friends seated across from them, and Y/N made her way to the front of the shop, bag of coins in hand. An older man stood behind the counter, a smile on his face as he brought his attention to her, “what can I get you today Miss...”

“Y/N. Y/N L/N.” She replied, small smile on her face as she looked at the menu, “what’s your name?” Y/N asked, meeting his eyes to see the flicker of recognition within them before returning her gaze to the menu.

He nods slowly, “I’m Iroh, and you’re a matchmaker, no?” He’d recognized the name, her business had begun gaining traction amongst the nobility of the Earth Kingdom shortly after the war, and she was one of the most sought after matchmakers in the nation. Iroh himself had looked into her business, seeing as his nephew was yet to find love in his chaotic lifetstyle. 

Y/N smiled at him as she nodded, “indeed.” She placed the menu down, “any suggestions?”

“Perhaps, Jasmine tea?” He suggested.

Y/N nodded, “sounds good.” She places extends a hand with coins, dropping them into his palm, “so are you looking for love?” Though she was certainly famous for her skills, Y/N tended to work behind the scenes, and she was surprised to find this man recognized her.

A small laughed escaped him at her words as he shook his head, “no. I believe it is a little too late for that.” He was working on her tea beyond the counter, and Y/N began to wonder how he was steaming the tea pot when she noticed there was no stove beside him.

“Don’t say that! You seem like a fine man that anyone woman would want.” Y/N assured, though she now wondered why exactly this man knew who she was in the first place. It was rare for those outside of nobility to know who she was.

Turning around, his hand pressed to the pot that Y/N was positive had to have been burning his hand in some way, “oh, you’re too kind.” He replies, a small smile on his face as he poured a bit into a cup, “I was looking to help my nephew find love actually.” 

“Really, now?” Firebending, that was the only explanation for the way this man was handling the tea. “I was looking to expand my business to the Fire Nation, perhaps I could help him out.” He didn’t hold himself the way most Earth Kingdom citizens did, and coupled with the possible Firebending, he was likely from the Fire Nation.

Iroh raises a brow at this, “what gave me away?” He stirs the tea a few times, before placing it on the counter for her to take. 

Y/N shrugs, “it’s my job to know people well enough that I can find them a match.” Taking a sip of her tea, she smiles, “so this nephew of yours. He wouldn’t happen to nobility, would he?”

He laughs at this, pouring himself a cup of tea as well as he sighs, “actually, he is nobility. In a way.”

Now Y/N did not expect the nobility Iroh spoke of the be the nobility. As in the Fire Lord, the actual ruler of the entire nation, though this would certainly be great for business. Once the world hears of how Y/N found the Fire Lord, someone who had been notably difficult to woo apparently, a match, her business will be set. 

“Isn’t this exciting, guys?” Y/N exclaimed, looking to her assistants, they were both on the younger side, Marcella and Evelyn. She’d brought them along since this would definitely be a valuable learning experience, and Y/N figured she’d need a lot of help if the Fire Lord was as difficult as they made him out to be. That and Y/N didn’t want to leave them alone in the Earth Kingdom, both of them had been orphaned at a young age. Y/N couldn’t help but relate to them, so when she’d come upon her newfound wealth, brought about by her job as a matchmaker, she’d taken the pair under her wing. 

With a bag thrown over her shoulder, Evelyn simply nodded while Marcella exclaimed, “yes! I’ve always wanted to see the Fire Nation. Do you think we could find a client in one of the Water Tribes next?” 

Y/N couldn’t help but smile at the young girl’s excitement, “if this goes well? We’ll be able to find clients anywhere.” She wasn’t wrong, Y/N had never had the opportunity to work with the actual Earth King, the true ruler of the nation. Now she was working with the ruler of a nation she’d never stepped foot in, entirely new customs and traditions to research, a new social structure, new everything.

What a fun challenge.

With a smile on her face, Y/N followed closely behind Iroh, the palace was stunning, she couldn’t deny it. And compared to the crumbling infrastructure of the lower rings of cities like Ba Sing Se, Fire Nation cities were prospering Fire Lord Zuko’s rule. From what she’d heard, things weren’t always this way.

“Y/N and I are going to wait here,” he gestured to the open space before them, dozens of paintings within it, “these two will take you to your rooms.” He explained to the pair of young girls, nodding to the servants beside them, who began to guide the young girls away.

Y/N’s eyes found their way to the paintings, the newest one being of the current Fire Lord, Zuko himself. She wondered how accurate the painting was, and seeing as she would be meeting him soon, Y/N figured she’d find out as she sighed, turning to Iroh, “so how does the original heir to the throne become the owner of an infamous tea shop?” 

Iroh smiles to himself at her words, “age brings wisdom. And tea is a nice substitute for alcohol.” He jokes, though Y/N can see the pain in his eyes, along with admiration as he stares at Zuko’s portrait alongside her.

“Uncle!” A voice exclaimed, joy clear in his voice as he called out. Y/N watched as Iroh spun around, a broad smile on his face as he moved forwards to embrace the person.

He looked better in person, Y/N quickly decided, though the portrait did its job just as well. She wouldn’t deny he was attractive, but she already knew looks weren’t the issue. Iroh had informed her of the situation, Zuko’s constant rejection of any and every single person that approached him, and the stress he experienced because of the politics of it all.

“Nephew, it is good to see you,” Iroh said, releasing him from the hug, “how are you?” Initially he seemed fairly comfortable at the sight of just his Uncle, but as the Fire Lord’s body seemed to stiffen, Y/N realized she’d been spotted.

So, he wasn’t comfortable with strangers, “I’m alright Uncle... who is this?” He asked. There was an edge to his voice as he spoke, sizing Y/N up, not in the way you did for someone you were attracted to, but for an enemy.

Uncomfortable with new people, clear trust issues, and his mind was always alert. She’d have to write these things down and take them into consideration prior to finding him a potential partner. Though it was starting to look like he was completely unaware of her purpose there as she extended her hand out to him, “Y/N L/N. Professional matchmaker.” She explained with a bright smile, though, based off his personality, that would likely ward him off more.

He was polite though, shaking her hand despite his clear suspicions of her, “Zuko.” Y/N couldn’t help but raise a brow at this, he hadn’t mentioned his title in his introduction. Zuko turned to his Uncle, brows furrowing as he said, “you hired a professional matchmaker?”

With a shrug Iroh responded, “we met by chance! So, it must be destiny.”

Zuko gives him a tight lipped smile, nodding slowly before returning his attention to Y/N who stood away from the pair, examining the decor of the palace. It was minimalistic, truly basic if she was honest, despite the clear amount of riches they possessed, it lacked evidence of them. Bringing her eyes back to him, he spoke, “you don’t need to be here. You can receive your pay, but I personally see no purpose for a matchmaker.”

Iroh frowned at his words, “Zuko, you need to give it a chance! Unlike all those ladies who keep throwing themselves at you. Besides, she seems rather good at her job.” His gaze was on his nephew as he sighed, giving Y/N an apologetic look that she simply waved off.

“Oh, it’s fine. It just won’t be for long.” Zuko raised a brow at her words, and Y/N watched his feet shifted, “no need to prepare for a fight, your majesty.” She hummed, rolling her neck, in the corner of her eye she could see shock flash in his own. “You see, as a matchmaker I do several things, including developing a little... profile of my clients. Now we just met but I can already tell you a variety of things about you that’s making your love life rather trivial.” Even before she had to develop the profiles professionally, in the lower rings of Ba Sing Se, being capable of reading others was a necessary skill.

Zuko’s eyes narrowed at her, “and what have you determined, in the very short time we’ve known each other.”

A small laugh escaped her as she extended her arms and cracked her knuckles, “well. You have major trust issues, which is why you are desperately trying to keep me at arms length. That’s one reason why you have yet to find someone.” Turning her attention to the decor of the large room, Y/N closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. “Given the lack of interior design, I would say you’re struggling with social aspects of your job, and you need a partner. One that I can help you find.” 

“See! I told you she’s good at what she does.” Iroh exclaimed, moving forward to clap a hand onto Y/N’s shoulder, much to Zuko’s dismay. 

Y/N gave the older man a small smile before looking back to Zuko, who eyed her wearily, “you keep avoiding the portrait of your father. But you can’t bring yourself to take it down.” She said, and Y/N could practically feel the tension building with each word. “He’s one of the reasons you’ve yet to find a lover-”

“Because he gave me the scar?” 

Y/N paused, brows furrowing at his words, her eyes found his, “I’m sorry, was that a joke?” She asked, and Iroh stared between the two, amused. “You’re actually rather attractive, which is why I know this is a personality thing. Probably tired of the whole fancy court thing they have going on here, which I’m going to need to research...” Y/N pursed her lips, failing to notice the clear shock on Zuko’s face at her comment, and red flushing his cheeks. Waving off her thoughts, she looked back to him, “anyways. My assistants should’ve already cleared out about an hour in your schedule each day for our sessions. I’m going to be asking you some very personal questions. So, be ready!” 

And with that, Y/N waved to the two, bowing rather questionably shortly after, before heading off in the direction she’d seen Marcella and Evelyn go in. Effectively leaving behind a baffled Zuko, and a rather satisfied Iroh, who began to laugh at Zuko’s reaction. “I really like her, quite the character she has.” 

“Yeah, quite the character.” He brought a hand to his temple, “is this really necessary, Uncle?” 

Iroh simply sighed, looking to his nephew, “whether you want to admit it or not, she was right. Ruling a nation is difficult, and ruling it alone is even harder.” A small huff of laughter escaped Iroh, “and she figured that out by your lack of interior design!” 

Exhaling deeply, Zuko reminded himself that this was all part of the job, the job that consumed his entire life. The life that this girl had analyzed in a matter of moments. 

Yeah, he wasn’t looking forward to their meetings.

Though his morals and his disagreement with practically selling your own child were a major factor in his lack of a love life. There was also the simple fact that there was no love in many of the interactions he had with potential suitors, much less genuine interest. They all wanted the power he could give them should they get married.

There was also the fact that Zuko had very little relationship experience, a fact he was trying to ignore. At the end of the day, he couldn’t bring himself to approach anyone, and if he did, he wouldn’t know what to do. Zuko also doubted that people would act... genuine around him, especially if they knew who he was. And all he really wanted was something real, considering his entire day was surrounded by fake smiles that belonged to both him and others.

It seemed that Y/N wasn’t prepared to ignore this piece of information though, since the following morning she’d seated him down and begun to speak of it, “so. You’ve been in two relationships.”

His brows furrowed, “one actually.” He and Mai had broken up about six months into his work as Fire Lord, “Mai.”

Raising a brow at him, she leaned back in the seat. Zuko couldn’t help but wonder how she managed to decorate the place in such a short period of time, as he could’ve sworn there hadn’t been a desk here the previous day. Then again, he couldn’t remember the last time he’d toured his own palace. “Well, I’ve heard rumors of you and a Southern Water Tribe member, but I’m not sure which one so I just-”

“Okay! That’s enough.” His cheeks were flushed red as he looked away.

Y/N grinned at him, leaning forwards, “then let’s discuss Mai. You two were pretty on and off, right?” 

Zuko grimaced at the thought, they were. He wouldn’t deny that he’d gone back to her a few times during his time as Fire Lord, “yeah.” 

Y/N began to write into her notebook, “tell me about her.”

“I don’t see why that’s important.” Came his response, looking at her quizzically as he frowned.

Tilting her head at him, Y/N gave Zuko a look, “come on. Let me do my job, I need to know about her to gauge what types of personalities you like while also determining why the two of you broke it off entirely.” She placed the book down, and Zuko could very clearly see the words ‘commitment issues’ underlined. “The goal isn’t just to find you a suitable wife that can help you rule, but someone you can be happy with.”

He’s silent for a moment, eyes on Y/N, her words seem honest. And this was her job, “she was blunt. Honest. Kind of mean at times, but she could be sweet as well. Pretty stoic, expressing her emotions was always... difficult for her.” 

Y/N nodded slowly, scribbling a few more things down, “okay. And what’s your favorite color?” 

“What type of question is that?” Zuko asked, brows furrowing in confusion. 

Crossing her arms, Y/N shrugged, “well. Favorite colors can tell you a lot about a person.” Came her response, “mine is green. Maybe that’s because I associate green with the Earth Kingdom, where I lived. Or maybe it’s because I happen to like nature quite a bit.” Looking around, Zuko could see that she’d already gotten a variety of plants native to the Fire Nation, most were succulents due to the almost year round heat.

At the mention of colors, his mind immediately went back to his first experience with the dragons, when their fire encircled him and Aang. “I.. don’t know how to describe the color- colors?” Zuko’s brows drew together in thought, and Y/N looked at him.

“How would I not understand a color?” The confusion is clear in her voice as she looks at him. Y/N can practically see the nostalgia in his eyes as he looks to the balcony.

Sighing, Zuko shifted in his seat, “these dragons I met ended up making a circle of fire around me and there were just... so many colors. But together it was just,” he paused, searching for the right word, “beautiful.”

Y/N’s mouth gaped open for a moment, “you met dragons?” She exclaimed, nearly throwing her notebook aside. Y/N had never seen such creatures, in fact, the general consensus was that they were still extinct

Zuko seemed to forget about this fact as he straightened himself, eyes meeting hers, “you can’t tell anyone about them!” He exclaimed, “they were hunted to extinction, though I intend to outlaw such things it’s just...” 

She nodded in understanding, “people break laws.” Y/N leaned back into her seat once more, “you owe me a dragon story.” She said, before crossing her legs in her seat and continuing, “favorite food?”

“Well, Aang took me to Avatar Day, and they had these weird Avatar shaped dough things.” He explained, recalling the time he’d gone with Aang and the others. Apparently they used to burn his statue, but now they worship him for some reason.

Y/N brought a hand under her chin, “I have no idea what that is.” She began to scribble something down on her notepad, “but okay.”

“What about you?”

Y/N hummed in response, “what do you mean?” 

Zuko felt his cheeks warm, “this just feels like an interview.”

“Probably because it is an interview.” Y/N said, gesturing for him to elaborate.

Looking away, Zuko frowned, “it’s weird.” Sighing, he spoke once more, “so, what’s your favorite food?” 

Y/N was silent for a moment, staring at Zuko, who was trying his hardest to avoid her gaze. This was a rare occurrence, seeing as most nobles were rather self-centered and liked talking about themselves. She’d never had a client who felt uncomfortable with this portion because it was basically a one-sided conversation. “Jennamite is a good rock candy.”

Zuko turns back to her, a small laugh escaping him, “my friends were nearly killed in Jennamite by the King of Omashu once.” 

“I’m sorry, what?”

ATTEMPT ONE

Y/N wouldn’t deny how odd it was, to be sharing as much information as she was learning about Zuko. She’d never really considered just how personal some of the questions were until she found herself answering them. But, after about a month, she had assembled a pretty good array of potential suitors for Zuko. Along with a few of her own clients, Y/N had found some girls that from the Fire Nation that seemed pretty acceptable.

That’s what she had thought at least.

“What do you mean, you already rejected her?” 

Turns out, Zuko had met half the women, and rejected them. The other half were either from the Earth Kingdom, or yet to attend one of few Galas that Zuko hosted. Seeing as he handed off most of that work to his advisors, it was rare for him to remain at Galas for an extended period of time. 

He grimaced at Y/N’s words nonetheless, his Uncle had informed her of his situation, but clearly not the extent of it. “She was more interested in her guard than me. It was a power grab her parents likely forced her into.” He remembered the girl, she’d been kind to him, but she clearly didn’t want him as much as her parents did.

His words brought about a new level of understanding for Y/N, who nodded slowly, of course it was the parents that Zuko had a problem with. It wasn’t uncommon for nobles to practically throw their children at potential suitors as though they’re a bag of coins. It was something that disgusted her as well, her job found people companions that they liked while these people simply wished for an addition to their power.

Zuko was the ultimate power grab. Y/N could only imagine how many times this had happened to him, random people he’d never met approaching him, offering their child’s hand in marriage. 

Bringing a hand to her temple, Y/N sighed, “but the rest are fine?” 

He nodded slowly, flipping through the pages he had yet to remove, Zuko skimmed what Y/N had written. Taking note of her handwriting, he wondered if she’d written his profile like this. “Yeah...” Y/N narrowed her eyes at him, and Zuko sighed, removing a few more pages from the binder she’d presented him with. 

Exhaling deeply, Y/N brought a hand to Zuko’s shoulder, “be honest with me. I’m not gonna yell at you for removing them Zuko, this is for you.”

Sometimes he forgot it was her job to be nice to him. 

“Right.” He mumbled, trying to shake off the feeling he got as she removed her hand. “That’s still... a lot of people. Some of which aren’t even in this nation.” Zuko pointed out, a queasy feeling within him as he looked at her.

Y/N plopped down onto the couch in the common room they’d met in, sprawling her body across it, “you’re right, there is a lot. But,” She twisted her body so that she could see him, wiggling her brows suggestively, “it’s been a while since you hosted a Gala.” 

Zuko’s face dropped at her words, in his years of being Fire Lord, he’d had about three total, and hated every single one. But given how rare the Galas were, people got pretty excited when he threw them. “I hate planning those, it’s a waste of time and-” 

A small smile was on her face as she interrupted him, “and you suck at planning them? I can tell by the decor of your palace.” Glaring at her, Zuko watched as she shifted so that her head hung off the couch upside down, “well. This will be the best Gala yet, you’ll impress all the ladies that you can’t meet in the immediate future in about...” Y/N looked to the watch on her wrist, brows furrowing, “eight months. And I’ll help you plan it, since you desperately need help-”

“Alright, I get it, I’m horrible.” He grumbled, crossing his arms as he leaned back against his seat across from her after placing the binder on the coffee table between them. “Eight months isn’t a lot of time,” traditionally, Gala’s took at least a year’s worth of planning and preparation, especially since Zuko was so busy he barely had the time to assist in the process. Eight months was no where near enough.

Y/N was still frowning at his words, “no self-deprecation.” She ordered, taking Zuko by surprise, before continuing, “regardless. I’ve planned Gala in less time with less resources. It’ll be fine.” Pursing her lips Y/N sighed, “now we need to discuss your inability to talk to people in general due to your immense trust issues and constant battle field mentality.” 

Zuko’s mouth gaped open at her words, “excuse me?”

Bringing her hands to rest on her stomach as she laid upside down, Y/N spoke, “when we first met you looked like you contemplated attacking me. And when you met Marcella and Evelyn, I’ve never seen someone so awkward.” Zuko is silent and looks away, only proving her point as Y/N continued, “so we need to practice your people skills, and flirting for future reference, seeing as your first date is in about a week-”

Almost immediately, Zuko straightened his posture, sitting up and looking to her as though she’d thrown a bucket of ice cold water onto him. “A week?” He winced at the way his voice cracked.

“Yeah, I spoke with one of the girls, not her parents, and asked her to meet with you later in the week.” Y/N explained, “her name is Elara, she’s in there.”

Frowning, Zuko reached for the binder and began to flip through the pages, “how’d you know I wasn’t going to get rid of her page?” Only to find the girl’s page, details on her personality, skills, hobbies and more on them.

A smirk spread across Y/N’s face, “she was one of few I was sure you’d keep.” With a sigh, Zuko looked back to Y/N, who still sat upside down, “now. You need to practice your romance skills, so come on.” She twisted her body, her legs falling to the side of the couch, and then moving onto the floor, Y/N stood. As the blood rushed to her head, a wave of dizziness came over her, and Y/N found herself stumbling slightly.

A hand came to her back and forearm, steadying her, “you need to practice walking.” Zuko laughed slightly, a nervous edge in his voice as he eyed her. 

Y/N brought a hand to her head as she laughed as well, “oh my...” Y/N blinked several times as the wave of dizziness passed, her hand gripping Zuko’s arm as she grounded herself. Looking up to him, she quickly realized how close they were and cleared her throat, releasing his arm.

He followed suit, removing his hands from her, “sorry-”

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Zuko.” 

The look her gives her almost hurts. Because Y/N can see the shock within his eyes as he nods slowly in response. She wonders what he’s thinking of as he she gives him a tight lipped smile, clapping her hands together as she turns back to him, “practice.” She repeated, mostly for herself.

And maybe offering to be the person he practiced on was her first mistake. 

ATTEMPT FIVE

Y/N had learnt a lot about Zuko in the past four dates he’d been on. One of these things being the fact that Zuko was a wild card when it came to dates, and they seemed to either go very well with the girls contacting Y/N to let her know they wished for a second date, only for Zuko to reject the possibility. Or, they went very bad. And Zuko returned with some sort of drink splattered onto his clothing.

So, Y/N decided that the best course of action was to discover what exactly Zuko wasn’t mentioning, and to follow him with a disguise. Evelyn had suggested it, Iroh supported the idea full-heartedly, though Marcella had believed it would be a huge invasion of privacy, Y/N didn’t really care, seeing as it was her job to be involved in Zuko’s love life. She was getting paid to ensure he found love. 

And she was curious.

That’s how Y/N ended up dressed in some very suspicious Fire Nation clothing alongside her assistants and the apparent Dragon of the West, famous tea shop owner, and member of the royal family. 

What a wonderful assortment of people.

Marcella and Evelyn had separated from Iroh and Y/N, sitting in another booth across from them, it was a feeble attempt to keep them from sticking out. The girl had chosen a rather upscale restaurant, so dressing appropriately while also maintaining a look that prevented Zuko from recognizing them. 

Y/N pulled her hat further down on her face as she looked to Iroh, who was browsing the menu. She wouldn’t be shocked if he entered the kitchen just to make himself a ‘decent’ cup of tea. He’d been rather helpful during the whole process, anything she didn’t find out from Zuko, Y/N had learnt from Iroh. “See anything you like, Iroh?”

He smiled at her, nodding slowly, “I think I’ll just take some tea.” 

Looking to Marcella and Evelyn, Y/N smiles, the two are speaking with one another like they aren’t supposed to be spying on the Fire Lord. But Y/N doesn’t mind, this was more of a recreational activity anyways, and she was glad they were having fun. Since they’d gotten to the Fire Nation two months ago there had been an... adjustment period to put it simply.

Y/N nodded at Iroh’s statement, and her eyes fell back onto Zuko and his newest date, Amaya, she was a simple girl. She’d possessed organizational skills that Zuko lacked, planned dozens of events, had the expressive qualities that Zuko yearned for in a partner. Amaya was one of few that Y/N was sure Zuko would take a liking to. Especially since she also had training in a variety of fighting styles, and was quite the Firebender. She’d been a little skeptical when she first contacted Amaya, the girl seemed hesitant, but she agreed.

And from the looks of it, he had. The pair was laughing along with each other, but Y/N could see the way Zuko stiffened at any physical contact, in general he’d yet to relax. If Y/N was honest, it was basically like any first date, awkward.

Zuko didn’t really know how to feel about Amaya, she was what he should be looking for in a girl, everything he needed if he was honest. She had an interest in the art, something Zuko had never taken to and the main reason his palace looked, ‘dull’ as Y/N had put it. And she was expressive, the main issue he’d had with Mai was her lack of expression. But, for some reason, Zuko just couldn’t see her as anything more than a good friend. There was something... off about her.

“When that Earth Kingdom girl approached me, I was skeptical.” Amaya explained, taking a sip from her glass, “you know how most Earth Kingdom folk are...” She gave him a look as Zuko listened in confusion. “The Fire Nation citizens simply have more class.” Amaya settled for with a shrug.

Oh.

Zuko laughed nervously, “I’m not sure I understand. I find Earth Kingdom citizens pretty pleasant actually, and Y/N, the one you met, she’s actually very resourceful and kind.” His mind went to Toph as well, who had invented an entirely new type of bending. She was an impressive young woman from the Earth Kingdom, and Y/N was as well, she’d started her own business at a young age and turned it into something incredible.

“Really? She didn’t seem too smart when I met her, but who can say no to a meeting with the Fire Lord?” 

Zuko was pretty sure her words were meant to be taken as a joke. But Amaya wasn’t the first person Zuko had encountered with this mindset, she was just more subtle about it. The supremacy of the Fire Nation was still an idea that ran rampant in some people’s minds, though Zuko had dealt with most disputes regarding his peaceful relations with other nations. Many still missed the time when the Fire Nation practically owned the world, where Fire Nation citizens could treat the people who had their homes taken from them however they pleased.

It was a dark time in his nation’s history, nonetheless, several people missed it. This was something rather prevalent amongst Nobles though, they were the ones who lost an immense amount of land when the war had ended. Many of them were bitter about what had happened. 

If Zuko was honest, she’d probably had these ideas drilled into her since birth, and simply hadn’t grown out of them, which was a shame. But as the ruler of a nation, he couldn’t rule beside someone who looked down on others simply because they weren’t from the Fire Nation.

Zuko shook his head, “Y/N built her business from the ground up. And now she’s helping the Fire Lord get dates.” He knows he sounds defensive, as though he’s prepared to fight her, something his Uncle would likely scold him for, but he doesn’t care at the moment.

“All she does is set you up with people.” 

Zuko’s brows furrowed at this comment, and he raised a hand to get the attention of the waiter, “excuse me, could I get the check please?” The young man nodded, heading off to get the check, and Amaya looked at him incredulously. 

Y/N had done far more than set him up with people, she’d helped him begin planning a Gala, she’d tried her best to find a good assortment of people that would fit both Zuko’s needs and the Fire Nation’s, and that list was probably very difficult to narrow down. Zuko had seen the work she put in for formulating profiles of the potential suitors, and throughout all of it she had done nothing but support him. 

“What are you doing?” Amaya asked, shifting in her seat as she stared at Zuko quizzically.

The waiter came over and handed Zuko the check, and Zuko placed a pouch of money on the table, “thanks. Keep the change.” He explained, nodding to the boy, who’s mouth gaped open in surprise as he took the pouch of money, bowing to Zuko repetitively, though Zuko wasn’t paying much attention to him as he spoke to Amaya. “I don’t think this is going to work out, I’m sorry.”

Amaya is still seated in shock as Zuko rises from his table, and Y/N can’t help it when her mouth gapes open at the sight of him simply abandoning his date. She makes eye contact with Iroh, who raises a brow, and they both sit up. She moves to follow Zuko, only to bump into someone. 

“I’m so sorry!” Y/N exclaims, moving down to help them pick up their hat, that had fallen when they collided.

“No, that was my fault entirely!” He responds, shaking his head as they both leaned town to pick it up.

“Aang, come on! He’s leaving.” The woman behind him exclaims.

Y/N’s brows furrow in recognition as she looks up to see a blue arrow tattooed on the man’s head, and her eyes widen in realization. Zuko had described Aang several times during their conversations, he and the rest of his friends came up often. But Y/N did not expect the first time she met the Avatar and his friends to be when they were both following Zuko on his date.

ATTEMPT FOURTEEN

Y/N simply sighs as she opens her door to see Zuko, in the outfit she’d helped him pick out. “What was it this time?” He’d been on thirteen dates thus far, and Y/N was slowly realizing that Zuko was likely one of her most difficult clients. This was purely because he’d yet to get a second date, though there had been offers, Zuko had declined all of them. 

“She was just-” His hands gestured rather broadly, he was practically throwing them into the air, “she was so rude to the waiter.” This had always been a dealbreaker for him, since he’d worked as a waiter in two different tea shops, Zuko had come to understand the importance of treating a waiter with kindness and how difficult the work could be. 

His eyes dart between Y/N and her door, she’s rubbing her eyes due to the exhaustion and Zuko can’t help the guilt that floods him. Nonetheless, she opens the door wider, heading inside her room and signaling for him to close it as she falls back onto her bed. “You were a waiter once, yeah?” He’d told her a fair share about his life in the Earth Kingdom, she’d inquired quite a bit about that part of his life. 

He asked about her life in the Earth Kingdom too, and she’d told him how poor life could be the in the outer rings, something he’d experienced for himself. Zuko listened as she describe living after her parents had died, working for a matchmaker only to discover she was actually good at the job, making a name for herself in the outer rings and then making her way inwards until she was one of the most sought after matchmakers in the kingdom. Y/N spoke of how she’d met Marcella and Evelyn, and how she’d taken them in when she’d discovered they were both orphans, living on the streets as pickpockets.

Zuko wouldn’t help but laugh at this, he could imagine Evelyn as a pickpocket, but Marcella? She was a sweet girl, he couldn’t imagine her in a life of crime. Of course, desperation made people do questionable things. Zuko knew that much from experience. 

“Yeah, I was.” Came his response, taking a seat in the chair by her desk. 

Y/N sat up in her bed, bracing herself with her elbows as she raised a brow at him, “what are you doing?”

Zuko frowned, shifting in the chair, “sitting...?” He moved to get up but Y/N waved him off.

“Just lay with me, idiot.” She allowed her head to fall back onto the bed, patting the spot beside her. Clearly, her suggestion wasn’t bothering her, but Zuko felt his face flush at the possibility.

If he’s honest, he’s not even trying anymore when it comes to dates and women and love. There were three reasons for this, one of which was the fact that he simply wasn’t connecting with any of the women he had met thus far. Sure they were nice, and they probably would be his type has it not been for reason two. The fact that Zuko had realized he had feelings for Y/N, what feelings? He wasn’t sure, but they sure as hell weren’t platonic, if they were he would not be blushing this much. He wouldn’t get that weird feeling in his stomach whenever he spoke to her.

Then there was was reason three, if Zuko succeeded in finding love, then Y/N would leave. It was selfish, but he already knew he wouldn’t find anyone considering he pretty sure he loved someone else already. So now, Zuko was basically procrastinating letting Y/N know that this just wasn’t going to work out, mostly because he didn’t have a plan.

He was debating just firing her, but that likely wouldn’t go over well, and he wanted to see her business succeed. If you get fired by the Fire Lord, that just looks bad. Now Zuko wondered what the best way to go about this was, since there was no point in working for him, even if she was getting paid. He was a waste of time. 

He couldn’t help the smile graced his lips as his own thoughts reminded him of the time she’d scolded him, telling him to quit being self-deprecating. 

Zuko sat up from the chair, making his way over to her bed, Zuko found himself simply plopping down onto it face first, earning a laugh from Y/N.

He rolled over onto his back, turning to look at Y/N, only to find her eyes were already on him, bringing a blush to his cheeks as he mumbled, “what?”

“I’m just trying to figure out why you haven’t gotten a second date yet.” Came her response, propping herself up on her forearm. “You have a nice personality, you’re attractive, I’m sure at least one of the girls caught your eye.” Y/N sighed, running a hand through her hair as she began to wonder if she’d incidentally allowed her own feelings to get in the way of her work. Maybe that’s why this was going so badly.

This was a problem. 

Zuko simply shook his head, his face on fire as he listened to her words, though he couldn’t help the hand he brought to the scar on his face. Y/N had pointed out before that he was allowing his Father to control his actions even now that he was imprisoned, and Zuko was beginning to see what she meant. 

Removing his hand from his face, Zuko sighed. Though he didn’t have much time to dwell on his thoughts as her hand hesitantly came to his face, placing a hand on his cheek and allowing her thumb to brush against the scar. Zuko jumped at the sudden contact, and Y/N moved to withdraw her hand almost instantly, but Zuko’s hand came to hers and held it there. Looking to her, he couldn’t read the look in her eyes as she gazed at him, and suddenly he wished he was as good at reading people as she was. 

“No self-deprecating thoughts.” Y/N mumbled, “bad Zuko.” She removed her hand from his to flick his head, causing his brows to furrow.

He pouted, and Y/N let out a laugh as he spoke, “how come you haven’t found someone?” Zuko looked to her, “you’re beautiful, and smart, and just... perfect.” He didn’t notice when her cheeks warmed, “you’re a literal matchmaker, surely you’ve considered who your perfect person is.” 

Y/N fell onto her back, running her hands over her face as she shook her head, “how have you not gotten a second date?” A sigh escaped her, “I haven’t had time for love before, and I just haven’t found that,” looking to him, she pursed her lips, “perfect person.” Growing up in the lower rings, she didn’t have time for an actual relationship, and her business as a matchmaker grew incredibly quickly. At the end of the day, long term just didn’t work out, Y/N barely had for herself, much less another person.

“I guess we both suck at love.” Zuko said, his tone was serious and Y/N couldn’t help but burst out into laughter as she swatted at his chest.

Too bad they couldn’t suck at love together. 

ATTEMPT SEVENTEEN THROUGH TWENTY EIGHT

Smoothing over her green dress, a sign of her citizenship in the Earth Kingdom, Y/N moved to answer the knock on her bedroom door. Given how long she’d been in the Fire Nation, Y/N wondered if the Earth Kingdom would still feel like home when she returned. The idea of going back felt odd, and though that time likely wasn’t soon unless Zuko met the love of his life tonight, it was inevitable.

And it horrified her. 

Holding the edge of the dress slightly to make it easier to walk, Y/N sighed and opened the door, seeing Zuko. A small smile on her face as she eyed his Fire Nation robes, “you look nice.” She complimented, tilting her head at him as she allowed her eyes to travel over his figure.

Zuko nodded, a blush coming over her cheeks, his mouth gaping open as he looked at Y/N. “You look beautiful.” She did, the dress looked amazing on her, her hair styled just right, and bracelets adorning her wrists.

“Thank you, Fire Lord Zuko.” His nose crinkled at the use of his title, coming from her it felt even weirder, wrong almost. But she continued, “mind helping me out?” She asked, moving back to her desk and taking a necklace in hand. Y/N had been struggling to put it on for the past few minutes, and now she had someone to do it for her.

He nodded, closing the door behind him, he took the necklace from her hand, and when Y/N ensured her hair was out of his way, Zuko brought the necklace around her neck. He secured the clasp, hands lingering as he adjusted it to the center of her neck. Zuko couldn’t help but notice a small scar on her shoulder, hand brushing over it.

Y/N looked over her shoulder and to him, brow raised, “how’d you get this?” He asked, brows drawn together. His hand traced the raised skin gently, Y/n could feel her cheeks warming at his touch, inhaling deeply. 

She grimaced, “a knife fight I almost lost my life to.” Was her explanation. Y/N didn’t like to think back to the days when she’d resorted to several... questionable actions to stay alive. But she pushed those thoughts away as she turned to face him. “You ready?” Y/N asked, they had to get to the Gala soon, considering the fact that Zuko was the host, Y/N was shocked he’d even stopped by her room in the first place.

Zuko was silent, simply nodding as he extended his arm for her to take. And Y/N did, looping her arm around his as she smiled, “you are gonna woo so many Earth Kingdom women tonight!” Y/N exclaimed, more confidence in her voice than Zuko had.

Shame the only Earth Kingdom girl he wanted to ‘woo’ was her.

When they’d arrived at the Gala, descending the stairs together, they were greeted with the claps of the other guests. Zuko would feel the anxiety flood him, but he paid it no mind. Though Y/N could feel the way he stiffened as he ended his speech to the diplomats of all nations, “let this be a peaceful, and joyous night!” 

They all burst out into cheers before the party continued, the music starting once more, and everyone returning to feasting upon the buffet, dancing along the ballroom floor or speaking with one another. All while Y/N led Zuko down the stairs, dragging him by the hand, “come on. Enjoy your own party, meet some girls.” She winked, and Zuko swore his face heated up even more than it already had. 

Y/N wasn’t a fool, she knew that if she’d stuck by his side the entire night, she would serve as a repellant of any potential suitors. So naturally, much to Zuko and Y/N’s dismay, she removed herself from him, playfully shoving him towards a group of Earth Kingdom girls she’d mentioned earlier. Though there were several other clusters in the ballroom.

Zuko simply sighed, giving Y/N a small smile before making his way to the group of girls. If he was honest, he would rather be spending the Gala by her side, but he had to put in some effort. He owed Y/N that much. Besides, this was an entirely new group of girls, maybe he would find someone tonight. 

“Hi there.” Zuko greeted, waving awkwardly at the girls. 

This action earned him a few laughs, and he was unsure if they actually found it funny or felt the need to laugh since he was the Fire Lord. Shortly after they began introducing themselves, speaking like there was no tomorrow. 

If Zuko was honest, the number of women here was overwhelming. So, as he excused himself from the conversation, much to their chagrin, he placed his cup down on the platter of one of many waiters. Making his way outside, Zuko couldn’t help but feel relieved at the fresh air that hit him on the balcony. Though he contemplated heading back inside when he noticed another girl was already there, eyes shut as she faced the sky, she turned to see him, eyes widening a fraction. “I’m sorry, I can go-”

“No!” She exclaimed, cheeks flushing in embarrassment due to her outburst, “no... it’s fine.” She turned back to look at the sky, hand clasped together, fidgeting.

Zuko stepped forward, finding himself situated across from her, leaning against the railing, “so why are you out here?”

A small laugh escaped the girl, and she ran a hand through her hair, “it’s rather stress relieving. You have a lovely view in your palace.” 

He couldn’t help but feel disappointed when he realized she recognized him, though Zuko nodded along, “what’s your name? If you don’t mind me asking?” It was a stupid question, and Zuko nearly facepalmed as he pursed his lips.

“Aileen.” Came her response, and Zuko realized he recognized her name as well. She was the child of one of the more well known members of Fire Nation nobility, her parents had approached him in the past in hopes of arranging a marriage between the two of them. He had declined almost immediately. And now that Aileen turned to him, he had a feeling he made the right decision, “you’re Zuko, right?” 

He exhaled deeply, nodding, “that’s me.” Sometimes, Zuko wondered what his life would’ve been like if he wasn’t Zuko, perhaps things would’ve been simpler. No, things definitely would’ve been simpler. There would be no diplomatic meetings, no wars, no idiots trying to hurt other people, no more assassination attempts, no more fake smiles and no more Galas. Of course, if he wasn’t Zuko, he never would’ve met Y/N.

“I heard you’re looking for a partner in crime.” Aileen prompted, “why aren’t you in there finding that future love of your life?” 

Shrugging, Zuko looked up at the sky, “I found her. She just doesn’t want me.”

He can feel Aileen stare at him, she’s silent for a moment, and Zuko wonders what she’s thinking. Though he doesn’t need to wait long to find out as she responds, “I understand.” Aileen focuses her gaze on the glass she’d placed on the thick railing of the balcony, “the person I love probably doesn’t love me back. And even if they did, my parents disapprove.”

“Did you ask?” He felt hypocritical, Zuko himself had never spoken with Y/N in regards to his feelings, and he likely never would, but he wanted to know. “If they love you?”

Aileen laughs slightly, shaking her head, “I couldn’t bring myself to. I’m scared.” She replied, looking back to him curiously, “did you?”

“No.” He responded lamely, tapping his fingers against the railing with a sigh.

Aileen laughed at this, “I guess we are both cowards then.” She pursed her lips, “I didn’t ask because I was scared, why didn’t you?”

And then the words come spilling out, “whoever I end up with will greatly impact the whole world, whether I want to acknowledge it or not. And she doesn’t deserve that burden, nobody does.” He laughs bitterly as he continues, “she’s also the person that was hired to help me find love in the first place.” Zuko pauses, looking away from Aileen, “and I guess I’m scared too.”

“Ironic.” Aileen mumbles, bringing her eyes back to the sky, “let’s make a deal, Your Majesty.” 

Zuko cringes at the use of that title, almost asking her to simply refer to him by his name, though he simply responds, “what deal?”

“We both confess. And if it goes horribly wrong, we can get married.” 

Y/N can’t see the shock on Zuko’s face, but she can see how comfortable he feels with this girl, Y/N hadn’t seen her before, but she was just happy Zuko was connecting with someone. Except she also wasn’t, a bitter feeling enveloping her as she turned away, looking for something else to focus her attention on, something that didn’t hurt. 

She turned to see Marcella and Evelyn in the distance, speaking with each other. Y/N supposed if she wouldn’t be finding love tonight, then at least they would. She was no fool, she saw the way they looked at each other, the glances when the other wasn’t looking. Maybe it was dumb, but Y/N found herself feeling jealous as she moved over to the buffet with a sigh. Food solved everything in her experience, after a client had a particularly bad day, food made things better.

“Perhaps some tea?” Iroh stood beside her, a kettle in his hand, he had insisted he serve tea at the Gala, though Zuko had assured him it would be just as easy to find someone else to do the job.

Y/N smiled at him, nodding as she took a cup from the array of them within the buffet, allowing Iroh to pour her some tea. “Thank you, Iroh.” Her voice is quieter than normal, and it’s clear that Iroh can tell something is wrong.

“You know, you deserve to be happy to Y/N.” His words catch her by surprise, though she doesn’t have much time to consider their meaning before flames lighting the room begin to move erratically, causing her brows to furrow.

Something was wrong. 

Iroh nods to her, placing the tea kettle down as his brow furrow and she nods back, Iroh disappearing into the crowd of people. Y/N’s eyes fall back to Marcella and Evelyn, and she quickly moves to their side of the room, ignoring the hush that had fallen over the room, panicked gasps amongst them. Her hands fall onto both girl’s arms as she nods to them, “Y/N, whats going-”

Y/N is already dragging them in the direction of the exit, “get out of here, find the guards. I’m going to find Zuko.” The girls didn’t have much time to argue, as Y/N was already working her way through the panicked crowd, back to the balcony where she’d last seen Zuko. But, people were already pushing against her movements, making it difficult. Raising her head above the crowd in an attempt to see what’s going on, Y/N realizes whats happening. 

Firebenders were trying to force them together, and Y/N couldn’t help but panic as she wondered if Marcella and Evelyn managed to escape and find the guards. 

This was an ambush.

No, this was an assassination attempt. Zuko already knew as he watched the atmosphere of the party begin to shift, that and the person who stood before him in all black, brandishing several weapons. Alongside four others who stood by her side. 

“You know, it wasn’t until I met you that I realized how bad it had gotten.” Aileen stood beside Zuko, eyes meeting his in horror as they exchanged looks. Zuko simply hoped the nod he gave her provided some semblance of comfort as he returned his attention to the person before him. “I mean, defending some lowly Earth Kingdom matchmaker? What type of career even is that?” 

Her voice is almost maniacal, and Zuko can’t help but wince as he feels reminded of his sister. But he recognizes it nonetheless, Amaya. It had been months since he’d seen her, but he could still remember her voice. Her face was covered by a mask, and she wielded a sword, and if Zuko remembered correctly, she had been trained in dozens of fighting styles and was a talented bender herself. Alongside the four other men, Zuko couldn’t help but panic internally as he spoke, “Amaya, why don’t you put the swords down, and we talk about this.”

She laughs in response, ripping the mask that covered her face off and throwing it aside, “people have tried to talk to you about this. Your-” She grappled for the word, a hand yanking at her hair as she gestured to him with a sword, “your radical ideas!” 

Zuko didn’t find having morals radical, but he wasn’t going to say that, not while Aileen’s life was on the line. Zuko suddenly realized why having an heir was important as he shook his head, “Amaya, look. Why don’t you let Aileen here leave, and then you and I can talk.” 

Aileen looks like she’s going to protest, but Amaya glances at her red robes, a sign of her Fire Nation citizenship, and gestures for her to leave. “Get out. My problem isn’t with you.” 

When Aileen doesn’t move, Amaya quickly grows frustrated, calling out to one of the guards she’d brought along that lied inside, “take this fool away.” 

There’s no response, and Zuko can see panic flood Amaya’s face. And looking behind her, he quickly realizes that most of the guards have been subdued, Y/N holding one of them in her arms as she knocks them to the ground. Moving towards the balcony stealthily as Amaya’s hands begin to shake, fire sparking in her palms as she focused her attention onto Zuko. “You’re going to pay for what you’ve done to our nation.” 

But Zuko wasn’t looking at her as he shook his head, hoping Y/N would understand. There was no way she could overpower Amaya, not with her bending. Y/N didn’t even have a weapon.

Now, Y/N knew for a fact that no matter how talented Zuko was, he wouldn’t put the girl beside him in danger. His priority would be keeping her alive, and given the training Amaya had as a noble, in both Firebending and fighting, she might even be as good as Zuko in a fight.

Meaning she had to be taken out of the fight.

Everything happened pretty fast after that. Zuko was shielding body coming forward to shield Aileens as he extended his freehand to Firebend at the people who’d surrounded them, only for Amaya to move out of the way. The girl was practically screaming bloody murder as she lunged at him, now wielding her sword. 

Zuko didn’t have to figure out what to do next because Y/N moved faster than Amaya did, tackling the girl over the railing and down below as he began to scream. 

THE FINAL ATTEMPT

Zuko’s knee is bouncing rapidly as he sits beside Iroh, who knits a scarf of some sort despite the blistering heat of the Fire Nation. He’s insisted that when Y/N returned to the Earth Kingdom she’d need it, and Zuko didn’t have the heart to disagree. Iroh had started stress-knitting about four hours ago, when Y/N had entered the room they all sat before, anxiously awaiting news of her condition.

Marcella and Evelyn are to Zuko’s left, Marcella’s sobs had quieted down, but Zuko wouldn’t be shocked if he looked over and saw tears silently streaming down her face. The girl hadn’t taken it well. Evelyn remained composed, doing her best to comfort Marcella, but the wait was clearly getting to her as well as she fidgeted with Marcella’s hands.

Seeing as Y/N had fallen from several stories up off the balcony and into the water below, Zuko didn’t really think it was possible to take the news well. But he was trying. 

A pang sounded from inside the room, and Zuko practically shot up onto his feet, moving to knock on the door to discover was was wrong, only for Iroh to grab his wrist, shaking his head. Zuko exhaled deeply, beginning to pace across the hall. He found himself wishing that Katara hadn’t been busy with Water Tribe business, she was an excellent healer. Alas, Katara wasn’t there, and Zuko had to settle for one of the skilled Water Tribe diplomats instead, alongside a few others skilled in medicine. 

As he paced, Zuko could feel Evelyn’s eyes on him, and it became clear she was itching to speak and he sighed, “what’s wrong?” There were dozens of answers to this question, the main one being the fact that Y/N could die today, so he hoped she understood what he meant.

The girl is glaring at him, and Zuko can’t help but feel uneasy. Because maybe she blames him for this as much as he blames himself, and maybe she’s going to tell him off, blame him for everything. Because if Y/N dies, she and Marcella will have no one again. 

Not that Zuko would allow that. He’d grown attached to the girls as well, they were kind, and helpful. They’d help improve the interior decor of the palace, and if he was honest, it looked better than anything he ever could’ve done.

“You better tell her how you feel after this.”

Zuko’s mouth gapes open at the girl’s words, and he swears the breath leaves his longs, and its as though everything hits him then. 

He would never get to tell Y/N how he felt if she died. He’d never get to listen to her try and tell a story just to go off on dozens of tangents, he’d never get to watch as she attempted to cook again, and he’d never get to hold her in his arms once more. There would be no more late night talks, and he wouldn’t hear her laugh, she wouldn’t tease him anymore and they wouldn’t walk through the courtyard feeding turtleducks again.

She’d never know he loved her.

Zuko finds himself nodding to Evelyn’s words, frozen in place as he looks to her and asks, “was I that obvious?” His voice is hoarse, and its probably because he didn’t stop screaming, even when Y/N’s body hit the water. 

Marcella is laughing at his words, blowing her nose into a tissue that Evelyn hands her before she speaks, “painfully obvious.”

“For someone who’s job revolves around love, Y/N is one of the most oblivious people I’ve ever met.” Evelyn grumbles out, rubbing her eyes as she yawns.

It was late, Zuko knew that much, the guests of the party had gone to the infirmary in the palace, being tended to by doctors and any other available healers if injured. Otherwise, they’d all returned to their rooms to sleep, or more likely stay up in fear of another attack. Zuko surely would.

“Go to bed guys, it’s getting late.” 

Evelyn looks at him like he’s one of the dumbest people she’s met, and if Zuko was honest, he probably was. But he simply nodded to Marcella, who had started leaning her head against Evelyn’s shoulder, eyes fluttering shut. “Uncle, why don’t you take them back to their rooms?”

Considering the fact that Zuko’s guards were around the corner, he wasn’t scared for his safety, but their presence just made him want to remain awake. 

“Nephew, you should sleep as well.” His Uncle replied, though he rose from his seat, bringing the yarn and the start of the scarf under his arm. 

Zuko gave his Uncle a smile, “I will. But if anything happens before then, I’ll be sure to alert you all.” He assured, nodding to Evelyn, who eyed him wearily. But she relented, shaking Marcella gently before standing up alongside her and Iroh. 

When they were out of sight, Zuko plopped back down in the seat, his elbows resting on his knees as he brought his hands to his face.

And for the first time in the night he cried, his body racked with sobs as tears streamed down his face and he struggled to breathe. The pain of all that had happened felt almost unbearable. She had to live. Y/N had to live. Because Zuko was going to confess. 

His fear of losing her outweighed his fear of rejection.

Wiping his tears away, Zuko suddenly felt grateful that Evelyn had left the box of tissues as he blew his nose. He sighed, his eyes piercing the door, hoping that something would happen.

As though his stare had willed her to exit the room, the healer came out, a grimace on her face as she looked to Zuko, likely because of his bloodshot eyes. The woman simply sighed, the grimace becoming a more sympathetic look. “Miss L/N lost a lot of blood... several of her bones were broken when she hit the water, especially her ribs. Her internal organs were damaged as well and... well it wasn’t very likely for her to survive.”

She’s dead.

Y/N is dead.

Oh.

“Wow, you look like a mess.” 

Zuko’s head whips up, his eyes meeting Y/N’s, she’s leaning against a wooden crutch, grinning lazily at him. The healer beside her looks rather apologetic as she frantically explains, “she woke up far quicker than we anticipated and only agreed to rest if we participated in her rather cruel prank.”

So, she wasn’t a ghost.

Zuko launches himself up from the chair, nearly tackling Y/N, but the wooden crutch she uses for support serves as a reminder of her fragile state as he asks, “can I hug you?”

Her smile falters at the sound of his voice, hoarse and jagged, so she simply extends are free arm outward. Zuko takes this as an invitation for a hug, gently wrapping his arms around her waist and burying his head in her neck, Y/N wrapped her free arm around his neck, hand finding its way to the hair at the nape of his neck. “Im s-”

“It’s not your fault Zuko. I swear if you say its your fault I will throw myself over the balcony again.” She threatened, hand tightening in his hair.

Zuko laughs quietly, inhaling deeply before he speaks again, “please never do that again.” 

“I make no promises.”

Sighing, Zuko releases her, “I hate you so much.” 

Y/N scoffed, “you love me.” She was limping over to the bed in the middle of the room, blood coating the surrounding area. Though the doctors in the room were moving across the room that they’d placed Y/N on, and dealt with her injuries on, Zuko couldn’t help but feel sick at the sight.

She could’ve died.

“Yeah, I do.”

Y/N pauses, turning to look back at him, her mouth gapes open. Zuko’s looking away, eyes on anything but her as he inhales deeply.

The healer simply sighs, “before we do this, I should inform the two of you that Miss Y/N cannot do any... strenuous activities for at least one month.”

Zuko’s cheeks are flushing red as he shakes his head rapidly, “ma’am-”

“We’ll be taking our leave. Have fun, but not too much fun. Please.” The woman closes the door behind her once the other doctors are out of the room, and Y/N can’t stop laughing at the mortified expression on Zuko’s face, despite the sharp pain she feels in her ribs.

Taking a seat on the fresh sheets of the bed, Y/N sighs, “so you love me?” She’s picking at the sheets, “as a friend?”

Zuko suddenly realizes just how right Evelyn was as he slowly shakes his head, “no. More than a friend. I think I inadvertently sabotaged half of the dates you sent me on because of it.”

Y/N laughs quietly, eyes falling on Zuko only to see he’s looking anywhere but her, she calls out to him quietly, “Zuko. Look at me.”

He doesn’t hesitate to bring his gaze to her, eyes meeting hers as he begins to fidget with his hand. Y/N simply reaches her hand out, and he takes it. “I love you too, idiot.” She mumbles, pulling him closer and wrapping her arms around his waist. “I just wish you had told me sooner so I didn’t waste so much time trying to set you up with other women.” 

A small laugh escapes him as he brings his hand to her hair, “how do I know you weren’t purposely giving me bad matches because you were in love with me?” 

Y/N removes her head from his stomach, looking up at him, her nose crinkles, “unlike you, I am a professional.” Zuko flicks her forehead, and Y/N pouts at him, hand coming up to his face, “can I kiss you?”

She can feel his face warm, but he nods rather enthusiastically nonetheless, and Y/N finds herself smiling at his as she uses her hands to pull his face downward towards her. His lips meet hers, and Zuko finds himself feeling complete, hands coming to Y/N’s face in an attempt to pull her closer while hers move to his ball up his robes that he’d yet to change.

 Zuko pulls away first, forehead resting on hers, “you need to sleep.” 

Y/N scoffed, eyes narrowing at him, “you need to sleep.” Looking to the bed, she raises a brow at him, “wanna lay with me?”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, I could accidentally injure you or-”

Rolling her eyes, Y/N yanks him onto the bed, making her way to the other side and getting comfortable, “I’ll be fine.”

Yeah, everything would be fine. Maybe not for the Fire Nation, seeing as Y/N would potentially help rule a nation but...

Everything would be fine.

in·am·o·ra·ta/iˌnaməˈrädə/

noun

a woman with whom one is in love or has intimate relations.

A/N: i hope this was good enough!!! i tried!!! and idk how it ended up over 12k... that’s crazy man um kjhdsajfhjkah omg i really liked this concept though i hope i did it justice

TAGLISTS [lmk if you want to be added or removed via askbox or replies]

ATLA: @bubblebars​ @jada-cleo​ @Art-flirt @the-deli-meat​ @wemissyou3000​ @ajediherowitchrunner​

ZUKO: @outerxorbit @shawkneecaps @lil-lex1 @boxofteenageideas @izzieserra @eridanuswave @bigbuckyenergy @celamoon @savemesteeb @shephard17895 @ijustwannabecanadian @duh-dobrik @anime-simp @lammello