#i guess i'll just fucking die
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(minors dni) someone said subtop!hazel in my asks and i cannot shake this vision of riding that girl's strap while she has a bullet vibe in the pocket of the harness until she actually falls apart, but the "composition" i actually wrote to that ask in question involves her fucking you from the back with a bullet vibe in her strap and her progressively losing her shit and getting subbier so what the hell do i do now
#hazel callahan x reader#hazel callahan#i guess i'll just fucking die#i mean the og concept is solid but i wanna ride#lesbian
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thats awesome.
#you will cling to hope on one single thread above a cliff#and people will rip it away#i guess i'll just fucking die
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being aromantic is like. hey btw you're going to live a life that is the culmination of most of society's worst nightmares. sorry lol โ๏ธ but then you turn around and take a really good hard look at it and it turns out that living in that nightmare is fucking awesome and you get to wake up every day and take that fear that other people have and laugh and hold it close until it's a great joy for you instead. and being happy is a radical act that you define instead of someone else. and you're sexy as fuck that's just a fact of life i don't make the rules on that one
#aromantic people are just sexy i'm not making the decisions here it's just facts#course ur hot as fuck. it came free with the aromanticism#being sexy is just default settings for aromantic people ๐#hope this all helps. anyway i'm on my 'i hope i die alone <3 i can't wait to die alone <3' kick rn#i think the existential fear that people have of Not Partnering specifically is so. well.#obviously that shit is strong and it is SO awesome to be free of it.#realizing you're aro and you don't Want a partner can be such a hit to the solar plexus#cause society says that's the only thing that'll make you happy. so either you go without that thing or you force yourself#into doing something you don't want which would make you unhappy anyway.#so you think it's a lose lose situation and you have to come to terms with what amatonormativity presents as the worst possible situation#but then! whoa! turns out personhood is inherently valuable in and of itself and romantic partnering is just a construct!#and that nightmare is now your life to do with as you please... define as you will... structure as you want...#best case scenario. is what i'm saying.#every day i wake up ready to spit all that amatonormative rhetoric back in life's teeth by being alone and being happy#and it's so fucking satisfying. every day.#fucking JUBILANT being by myself. and i love being a living breathing 'fuck you' to the romantic system#you need a partner to be happy? oh that's sooo fucking crazy guess i'll go be miserable then. in my perfect fucking dream life lmao#yeah obviously it's the worst possible outcome on earth to die without a partner. so terrible. can't wait for it :)#aromantic#aromanticism#aro positivity#aroace#arospec#sorry to bitches who are sad about not having a partner. i could not give a fuck though get better soon#you couldn't EVER pay me enough to go back to a mindset in which my inherent value wasn't enough by myself.#FUCK that shit. absolutely miserable and a bad life outlook in general. like genuinely do the work w/ amatonormativity and get better#life is something that can be so fulfilling whether someone wants to kiss you or whatever or not#i'm on antidepressants and i have people i care deeply about. what the fuck would i need a partner for lmao
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Random poll because i was curious about other people's headcanons about Yuuji's feelings. Personally I'm inclined towards either chapter 143 or Yuuji realizing he loved Megumi just as (or after) he lost him (temporarily. He will be back), because i like the angst of it. But idk, what are your thoughts?
#tbh at first i was just planning to have chapter 143. the possesion and then the oblivious or has always known options#but the while thinking about it i wondered if it could have been that way back in the detention center#like I'm thinking of yuuji coming back. hearing megumi say that he doesn't regret saving him and spontaneously thinking โi want to kiss himโ#but he doesn't say anything because he is gonna die anyways so what he wants doesn't really matter anymore#itafushi#itadori yuuji#megumi fushiguro#yuji itadori#jujutsu kaisen#jjk manga#jjk manga spoilers#if you die I'll kill you is there because i see it as yuuji realizing megumi loves him and thinking โi love him tooโ#that โi guess i can't die on you thenโ was gay as fuck#and the fact he said those words again? you can't tell me yuuji hasn't thought about that moment since
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Man like. I really hope the theories about 'redeeming Solas' ending being to die/mirror his friend wisdom where he dies but will eventually get respawned as a 'new' him, aren't true. Because ngl that's. A very unappealing ending imo. Like that isn't worth the 10 year wait at all.
#its no different to me than if he were to just die permanently.#bc he explains that his friend wont remember him and will come back similar but not necessarily even the same personality#like it just wont be him. the solas we knew would be dead. and im so fucking bored of that#like im just. im gonna be mean hang on#solas redemption arc being 'he dies and respawns' is so. fucking. lazy?#like idk i guess i find it more compelling to have a character learn to Want to live. learn How to live. etc especially when its an immortal#not to mention. like. solas personal quest w wisdom dying is like. im sorry i didnt cry? it wasnt That Emotional.#someone died. happens in like every fucking dragon age quest ever.#the emotional part of solas' quest was how He felt and dealt with it.#and even then. he just disappeared until you fast traveled back to skyhold next.#like am i making sense?#the emotional part was seeing how broken up HE was about it. but wisdom dying was no sadder than when duke bastien dies in Viv's quest#it was just a death with a little *essence may reform later and be a new spirit note#anyway I'll be like. incredibly disappointed if that's what happens to solas no matter what
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I hate getting excited about something and accidentally sharing it with someone when they're in the wrong mood to hear it. Makes me feel like a dog trying to play with their human in an antidepressant commercial and ruins my entire mood
#and it's not like they don't care they're just in an off mood and don't match the energy you give and it's just so#deflating and uncomfortable sgjdhkdhk#like ''isn't that so cool????'' ''yeah.''#makes me wanna die#and then it's like well now I can't tell them again and I just wasted sharing that with them AND I feel shitty about it#guess I'll just fuck off this plane of existence#unfortunately it happens to me too often because people in my life are just busier than me and I don't hold it against them#but it still feels bad man!!#I'm also just feeling fragile cause I've been isolated lately and don't have a lot going on so the things I do have to share#aren't like. things people generally view as very important I don't have shit going on right now#I've just been feeling lately like everyone's got Important Life Stuff tm going on and are often not as present with me because they're Busy#again I'm fragile rn so it's probably not as bad as it feels like it is#I'm just sad lol
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kinda wild to me that one of the most compelling aspects of both Chuuya and Kunikida's characters to me, that I never really see talked about, is how they're heavily set on a doomed crash course towards complete and utter destruction, and how I am so, so worried for them both.....
#bungou stray dogs#been thinking a lot about chuuya lately (shocking for me i know (said with no sarcasm truly lmao it is rare for me))#cause of the 15 manga and also playing the fucking jeht quest in genshin impact ugh (where's the one dual genshin bsd fan who Understands)#but like this pressure has been building up for chuuya for so long due to being used and manipulated by all these people#first the sheep then mori then verlaine then still mori now#he was groomed since childhood just like dazai#but unlike dazai he didn't have an oda to help him get out of the mafia........ he's still stuck there#and his personality is different from dazai's. dazai was more self-aware imo (but still a groomed emotionally abused kid don't get me wrong#but chuuya's whole thing is needing to belong and wanting a leader to be loyal to but ending up in positions of leadership himself#which makes him feel pressured but he accepts and stifles any negative feelings just because he wants to belong#and all this crushed him with the events in the light novels and yeah he went through character growth but he's...... Still In The Mafia...#and that fucking scene asagiri added to the cannibalism stage play i don't think hardly anyone even knows about bc IT'S NOT DISCUSSED ANYMO#where mori emotionally manipulates him with the flags!!! and it deeply hurts him!!! and he presumably deals with that shit all the time!!!#it is WORRISOME. it WORRIES ME okay.#chuuya doesn't have anyone who can save him from the mafia (dazai is in no position to okay; it's all he can do just to try to save himself#and it's so so scary. it spells awful things for him.#didn't asagiri say he'd have a rough path or something??? and he added that fucking scene in the play!!! it haunts me!!#i fully expected this shit to hit a turning point in the meursault arc but we can't have nice things i guess#and as for kunikida a;lskdfl (took me this long to get to him oop) literally the ending of Entrance Exam (the novel) is just#One Big Foreshadowing for Kunikida's downfall#he's compared to the azure king for a reason. Sasaki saw the azure king in him for a reason. it's fucking worrying!!!!!#there hasn't really been anything like that since in the manga (just like for chuuya lol ugh) but he's TERRIBLE at coping with his trauma#and it only gets more apparent once shit hit the fan in the doa/hunting dogs/meursault arc#it's not good!!! i'm worried for kunikida too!!!!#even if the manga isn't focusing on this these worries are always in the back of my mind man#both kunikida and chuuya are doomed to hit some kind of breaking point eventually and i await those moments with dread yet anticipation#i want dazai to be able to save kunikida from the despair being too good a person brings the way he couldn't save oda#and chuuya.... if we get a scene with him & mori mirroring the one in dark era where dazai finds out that mori orchestrated the kids' death#oh man i think i'll fucking die (give it to me i need to cry)
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Well fuck
#COME ONNNNNN#I just wanted to read definitely-not-poolverine fics#Because I definitely haven't been reading about them for the past 3 days lol#But like#I was about to click into one :((#fucking sad#sad times#No more ao3 for now#ao3#guess i'll die
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Looking back at the "severe" social anxiety diagnosis I got as a teen ..
It's like, if I went to a therapist and said: "I do not like being stabbed with knives. I do activly avoid situations that involve me being stabbed with knives. When I have to face a situation where I can expect to be stabbed with knives, I dread it and can sometimes not bring myself to pull through, no matter how much I want to reap the benefit I am after, that requires the situation."
And the therapist went: "Oh, so you're irrationally afraid of people. Got it."
#this is about being trans mostly#have you considered that avoidance is the most normal response to hurtfull things#I am so mad about the medical gegligence and malpractice I had to endure throughout my life.#negligence#fuck#but then again; people like me along with out pain and sorrow are invisible and don't matter#transmasc#transandrophobia#fuck capitalism#nonbinary#non binary#genderqueer#people are always 'doctors are important' and shit but I have yet to meet one doctor that even isn't activly awful. The bar is on the#fucking ground#yet among the 20-30 Doctors I have met#none could clear it. there were like 2 who I didn't interact long enought with to determine anything#whe rest quickly proved themselves.#and trans issues is only the littelest part here. the outright treating me as a second class human and basically sa take the cake for worst#but the systemic apathy and not doing anything to help me#a child that has expressed urgent help needed#abusive teachers and family and not a single support person in my life and they ignored me#now I'm still stuck with my 'parents' (not that they ever did that job) who continue their abuse unchanged to this day but now I'm also#severly burnt out (untreated for years now)#and compleatly unable to do literally anything beyond some! hygene and getting food from the kitchen as needed. but yeah#i totally don't need help.#idek why I am writing this. just venting into a new void I guess. whatever. i'll die soon anyways. my body is telling me. the extended#isolation#and unhealthy lifestyle is gonna kill me and then noone will care either
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Oh right uhh, Kokoro lives in -2+2 (And Emma, and also Hibiki)
#see. i don't plan on ever writing the Sdra2 portion of -2+2 in full fic format since I don't like Sdra2 nearly as much as Dra#so i really don't mind spoiling/rambling about what happens in that portion of the Au. it's all kinda barebones so far anyway#yall know I've never been the best at keeping spoilers from my own stuff lmao#but don't worry! i will keep the things that will be revealed in-story under wraps :) I'll only mention things that are#disconnected from the Dra part of the au or happen way later#like the Sdra2 stuff + Akira and Beni#since -2+2 it's obviously the Au they're from#so if i was trying to keep spoilers hidden away in the disney vault of my mind i would never have been posting about these two at all#and tbh is you have a sharper mind than me you could probably guess Kokoro and Emma would survive in this#since Sdra2 is a reenactment of Dra. so if Kizuna and Ayame don't die by that logic those two shouldn't either#and Hibiki is spared from execution because Mikado got pissed at Kanade messing up his reenactment with her goofy ass murder case#and insane serial killer thing so he sends her to die so she can despair! kinda like how he just goes fuck you Nikei and executes him in Ch4#so. Sdra2 surviours; Yuki. Yoruko. Syobai. Kokoro. Emma and Hibiki#i can and totally will elaborate on this (or ramble about other stuff regarding the Sdra2 portion of -2+2) if asked ๐#hyena ramblings#dra#danganronpa another#Sdra2#Dra -2+2#Kokoro Mitsume#Emma Magorobi#Hibiki Otonokoji
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i don't remember posting this? lol
#the collector#the collector 2009#the collection#the collection 2012#asa emory#arkin o'brien#collectkin#my art xoxo#talking abr this in the tags just bc i feel like it anyways I've been watchjng the saw movies#and ik the collector was supposed to be a saw movie but i think it's a good call it didn't happen#bc i would've hated it#i hate jigsaw he's so annoying the collector is way better. bc asa doesn't fucking talk#jigsaw tho talks too much like holy shit just shut the fuck up and DIE#i guess the movies r good but holy fuck I'll kill jigsaw myself i don't care#he needs his mouth fucking shut u guys do not understand how much i want to strangle him to death
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Hear me out (or don't... it's fine I'm just venting and mean) yeah um I don't believe Chakotay was saved in Prod*gy s2.
#the 'time travel' makes no sense when you think on it. What happened to Prime Chakotay? He got killed they showed that.#At the end s1 Janeway finds an 'alternate chakotay in an alternate timeline' and that's the one they go and get#we saw the original get merc'd in the message. That ACTUALLY happened. Lmao.....#They didn't prevent THAT death because they didn't go to THAT Solum with the Infinity and stop it from happening#instead it was 'ALTERNATE#' implying other.#OG Chakotay wasn't taken over by the alternative one either nothing suggests that was the direction for him in s2#they didn't do anything like 'well you see chakotay because at the end of s2 when we converged timestreams you have merged with your other'#if they did want to recover the original from s1 then keep that clear instead of being convoluted dont use an alternate timeline wtf#instead the plot was focused on gywns stupid fucking paradox plot and her being fixed#chakotay was the one in a paradox too did that not matter nah dw about it he had to die for this outcome or someshit lmao why#In the extended message given to admiral janeway it shows him clearly getting left behind and surrounded. Sadly no one intervened.#I dont understand why they couldnt have just made s2 about his rescue alone IF they took their time it wouldnt be so difficult#to follow#above that the one they rescued was ruined by the 10 year gap so he wasn't 'saved' at all. God i hate s2 when you break it apart#I dunno the more i look at s2 Janeway and Chakotay the more upsetting it is. Janeway would NOT have settled for an imposter.#everyone going goo-goo gaa gaa over s2 but it's sloppy af imo and undermines a huge portion voyagers struggles#id really like them to flatly lay out their ideas because literally nothing ive heard explains the story or choices of s2 with conviction#instead it's oh clap for wesley or the new vulcan and other references yay#describe to me your timetravel clearly and i'll happily take a seat on it (there is still other crap stuff mind you)#this is the most repressed shit i my head i swear#im angry because s1 is so clearly mapped out to a brilliant degree and for whatever reason it's not in s2#i can see through it#insultingly people are eating it up and claiming it's better than ever nah dawg embarrassing#there are nice ideas inside s2 but they arent adequately rewarded#it doesnt compare to the timetravel in other trek because they kept it clear#i mean it could have been an interesting parallel to endgame but in the end janeway didnt even rescue him lmao they dropped her#why bother building up this mission only for her to give up and go 'i'll hand it over because im told to'. Janeway had fuck all this season#let alone settle for not fixing her own timeline and her own friends deadly circumstance dw just grab another one from the shelf i guess#the emotional fallout was absolutely missed because they didnt elaborate on anything. Plenty of show but no substance from the characters
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And when I write about making out with the cute, shy art major while you're drunk at a party that sucks? What then?
#ems i blame you#you put university student hyunjin in my head and now i feel insane#the vodka probably isn't helping lmao#jesus he looks so good#why am i not messily making out with him while in his lap and feeling him get hard underneath me#why is life cruel and unfair#why did he have to do this TODAY#i am just trying to LIVE#LIKE THE HAIR???? THE FUCKING GLASSES????? HIS NAILS?????#guess I'll fucking die#rj talks
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i'm being incredibly serious. when i die, someone needs to find a way to turn me into music.
#bluebird.txt#all my life i've felt such strong intense unreleasable emotions upon hearing music i love#not every song not every piece but it happens quite often ill find a piece/song i become temporarily obsessed with#and it fills me with an unsatisfiable feeling that i must become pure sound#so when i die im gonna put it in my fucking will or something genuinely i want to be turned into sound specifically music sound#do i mean my remains? i mean if you can find a way to do that please by all means fucking go for it#my only request is you better be successful if you do that#failing that i don't know how my life will go who i'll meet or if by the time i'm dead anyone will love me enough to do it#but if someone wrote a piece about me. not even about my life i don't know. just. turn me into music so people can hear it#and listen to it over and over and love it and feel it in their souls the way i feel music in my soul and heart and organs#is that prideful to ask? i kind of don't care. i'll be dead!#just turn me into music. just let me be something people can love forever i guess.
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.
#idk if it's because i've given autism a very in depth look now or if i just always been like this and never really thought about it#but i'm finding it harder and harder to match my feelings to what i guess i'm supposed to feel?#like when something sad happens and i have no reaction to it#it's not that i'm not sad or that i'm glad it's happening but i just have no feelings?#which in turn bring put feelings of guilt because i'm not sad or worried enough...#it's such a weird experience and i'm of course not saying that autistic people have no feelings#that's so not what i'm saying#but it is a trait of autism to have difficulty pinpointing what you feel and also difficulty expressing it in ways other people usually doit#so perhaps it is because i've learned about that that I'm accepting that maybe i just don't feel things ''the normal way''#but i'm having a weird one tonight because my mom had to leave because of an emergency with my grandma#and it's 1am right now#and i am worried. of course i am. I don't want my grandma to suffer (although i have accepted she's not gonna live much longer)#but i still don't want her to die obviously#and most importantly I don't want my mom to have to go through that... to see her mother die? that's horrible#i'm obviously sad and worried#yet i'm sitting here drinking coffee and laughing at funny videos like nothing's happening#and i feel fine... like as if my mom was just sleeping at home like every night and not at a hospital visiting her dying mother...#and i know that years back i would have gone ''what the fuck is wrong with me?!'' and perhaps maybe forced myself to feel worse#or to cry or whatever because I can't be chill when something bad is happening...#and maybe i'll feel that way when my mom is back because I can't be calm and happy is she's sad#that would be rubbing it in her face#so maybe i'll feel more guilty then?#idk it's a weird feeling that i wanted to put into words#mostly for when it happens again i'll have a record of it somewhere#idk#angel talks#personal
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Finally being such a massive cock obsessed slut is working to my advantage
#my friend couldnt fuck me today because reasons#and he knows i was planning to kill myself tomorrow#and he's just like 'well the next time i see you i'll give you a good hard fucking'#and im just ike damn well guess i cant kill myself tomorrow then!#fucker#cant die without a good hard fucking though lets be real#word of god
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