#i guess for now it’s just hyperfixate on shit until i wear myself out hours 😌

[harrylights]

.

[silvermare]

i don’t remember 9 year old me, what is time

i do know that it was Life Experiences that made me Realize Some Things About Myself™ in my mid-late 30′s and I’m not quite 40

It’s not so much that I identified as any particular way so much as I didn’t have any reason to question what labels were relevant, somehow, until much later. When your entire life is remarkably devoid of trauma some fuckin’ how, with supportive family because you were diagnosed with ADD (now ADHD-PI) relatively early, never got in trouble outside of “go the fuck to sleep it’s 1a and we told you to turn out your light and go to sleep THREE HOURS AGO” and “jfc your room looks like a tornado ran through it three times”) because you were hyperfixating on safe fiction (Westerns lmao) and showed no interest in boys (hey look at that aceness), somehow you don’t think to ask yourself what that look was, what it meant, when they asked if you though Brad Pitt (circa ~1995) was hot and you shrugged and said I guess

also didn’t really think about it when people would say “you’re a girl right?” and i would just shrug and respond “eehhhhhhhhh...”

when the thought of being a bride at a wedding was just kinda... no thank you, and played it off as 100% hating being the center of attention and having no wish to wear a dress (both of which are true but isn’t the full extent of it) but then you Catch Feels for a friend and sigh because it’s so annoying how your brain fixates on a person and then that person ends up trans and your brain doesn’t give a shit so like. what?

anyway

if 30 year old me didn’t know what the fuck is up with me then sure as shit 9 year old me would have even less of a clue

9 year old me was probably out doing dumb kid shit like tying twine around a pig’s neck so that I could catch it easier next time i wanted to ride it, or learning that you don’t have to have a penis in order to inflict crotchtal pain (...by way of riding a cow sans saddle that had a lot of jersey blood in her, fuckin spine ow) or vacuuming the horse because brushing is So Much Work 

9 year old me was NOT having deep thoughts about gender or sexuality

hell, 9 year old me was not having deep thoughts end of statement

Today in transphobic idiocy...

Avery Jackson did a non-medical transition at the age of four. At the time, they felt more comfortable as a girl. As they grew up and their understanding of gender evolved, they decided nonbinary transgender suited them better.

And now that they are 15, their family is moving out of Missouri because they fear the recent draconian anti-trans laws.

"No longer identifies as a girl" does not mean they identify as a boy. They are still trans. They knew from the age of 4 that being a boy was not right for them.

I don't think they changed their mind. I think they just found a better understanding of who they were.

These bigots know nothing about trans people yet think they are qualified to criticize them.

[eldritchsurveys]

725.

Do you have any allergies? >> Nope.

Do you have any hormone problems? >> No.

Do you take any medications daily? >> I take the Pill daily and also CBD, which I’m basically using as medication.

Do you take vitamins? >> No.

What languages do you speak? >> Just English.

Do you know anyone who is colorblind? >> Maybe.

What's the best thing that's ever happened to you? >> ...

Have you ever thought you were going to die? >> Yes.

Have you ever had an allergic reaction scare? >> Nope.

What bones have you broken? >> None.

Do you wish you had the power to switch off and on your emotions? >> No. I wish I had the power to deal with my emotions in a healthy fashion.

What are some news stories that have stuck with you? >> JFK Jr’s death happened when I was like ten years old or something, and for some reason that stuck with me. I remember drawing a picture of some kind of flower, like you’d put on a coffin, while the news report was playing. Some shit just hits weird when you’re a kid, I guess.

Have you ever been in extreme pain that you would rate a 10? If so, what was it from? >> I’ve always had really bad period cramps, bad enough that I would just straight up lose all sense of myself for hours because the pain was so bad that my brain just checked out. It’s one thing when that happens at home, but in the middle of the day in high school? (The hallway to the nurse’s office felt eighty miles long. I always had to get picked up early.) While I’m at an appointment? (Ended up on the floor of the bathroom stall, probably sounding like a dying cow. Someone called an ambulance.) While I’m walking down Bleecker Street? (Laid on the sidewalk for an indeterminate amount of time, like laid out.) So, you know, I don’t know anything about a pain scale, but that definitely is the worst physical pain I’ve known, and partly why I take the Pill.

Have you ever given birth? >> No, and I never fucking will.

What's the highest fever you've ever had? >> I don’t know if I’ve ever had a fever.

Have you ever gone to the emergency room? >> Yes.

Have you ever coughed so hard you threw up? >> Nope.

Have you ever had cramps so bad you threw up? >> Yeah, that would happen sometimes. More often when I was younger.

Have you ever made anything out of duck tape? >> No.

Do you like palazzo pants? >> I don’t know what they are and don’t feel like googling.

Would you travel to Paris if given the chance? >> Sure, why not. It’s not a high priority but I wouldn’t turn it down.

What's the worst thing that's ever happened to you? >> Hm.

How old were you when you first encountered God, if applicable? >> I don’t think I’ve ever encountered the god that is insinuated by this question.

How old were you the first time you felt loved? >> As I am now, I don’t know what that feels like, so I can’t figure out when I’ve felt it in the past.

Were you abused? >> Yes.

Does inequality bother you? >> I mean, sure, sometimes.

Who was your favorite teacher? >> ---

Did you ever want to be a teacher? >> No.

Do you look good in brown? >> I am brown, and I think my skin looks wonderful. So I’m sure clothes the same colour would look just as good.

Do you prefer crosswords, word searches, or sudoko puzzles? >> Crosswords. Word searches can be good when I want a simple game with a guaranteed completion.

Are adult coloring books tedious? >> Colouring can be a tedious activity in general if you’re not in the mood for it, but I don’t think adult colouring books are any more or less tedious than any other kind.

What do you do to relax? >> I don’t do anything specific.

Do you live alone? >> No.

What's your favorite place you've lived? >> Hm.

Did you ever think your house was haunted? >> I believed there was something hanging around an apartment I lived in back in 2009.

Do you believe in auras? >> I don’t have any opinion on the concept.

Have you ever seen a spirit? >> Probably.

Do you have any food intolerances? >> I’m personally intolerant to bananas, but that’s more mental than physical.

Do you like camping? >> Yeah.

What's the most beautiful thing you've ever seen? >> *shrug*

What's your favorite place to go on vacation? >> New Orleans.

Do you enjoy rainy days? >> Sure, sometimes. More than I enjoy snowy ones, that’s for sure.

Do you own anything chevron print? >> No.

Ever thought about starting a business? >> No.

If you were to start a business, which kind would you start? >> I’d really rather not.

Do you have weak shoulders? >> Er... no? I don’t think so?

Are you more masculine or feminine? >> I refuse to participate.

Do you like unisex names? >> Sure.

What are some of your favorite unisex names? >> The way I see it, any name is unisex if you try hard and believe in yourself.

What are some of your favorite current fashion trends? >> I’m not sure what’s trendy right now. Fast fashion makes it impossible to keep up.

Do you like skinny jeans? leggings? jeggings? >> I don’t like any of these, really. On myself, I mean. I don’t like the way they feel on my body. On other people, absolutely fine.

Do you collect anything? >> No.

What exotic pet would you own if you were rich? >> I don’t want an exotic pet and I don’t want to be rich.

Did you want to change your name when you were younger? >> I’ve been changing my name since I knew how to speak, so.

Do you like your first name? >> Yes.

Are you named after anyone? >> Just myself.

What does your name mean? >> It’s uncertain.

When you're sick, do you look up your symptoms on the Internet? >> If I was sick and couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me, then yeah, I probably would.

Are you a member of any online support groups? >> No. But that suddenly reminded me of a forum that used to be online when I was a teenager/young adult, Recover Your Life. I was on that for a while. Haven’t thought about that in years.

Were you ever on a dance team? >> No.

What event in history do you wish you could reverse? >> ---

Would you rather have been born in a different era? >> No thanks.

Do you like being a millennial? >> I don’t care? It doesn’t mean anything to me.

What year were you born? >> 1987.

What are your initials? >> MSD.

Would you ever preach a sermon? >> No. I’ve entertained the idea, lmao (mostly because I have a thing for men of the cloth and I’ve wondered what it’d be like to be the object of my fixation), but no, it’s not a thing I’m actually interested in doing.

Do you pray regularly? >> No.

Do you have any good luck charms? >> No.

Do you make wishes on anything? If so, what? >> No.

What do you do when you can't sleep? >> Read. Unless it’s because of caffeine, and then I just flop around and try to stop hyperfixating on my heartbeat and probably cry out of frustration.

Do you enjoy sunrises? >> Yeah.

Are you more of a morning person or a night owl? >> I like the morning. I like the nighttime, too, but being awake at night ruins my ability to be awake in the morning and I don’t care for that.

Is your life boring? >> Sure, sometimes. Better for me than the alternative, I think.

Is your life hard or easy? >> It’s easier in some ways and harder in others. But the ways in which it’s hard now are vastly preferable to the ways in which it was hard before. It’s a struggle I accept.

What can you do to make your life more adventurous? >> I don’t want to make my life more adventurous, though. If I wanted to, there’s all kinds of shit I could do, I’m sure.

Do you live in the moment? >> Where (when) else am I going to live?

Have you ever had food poisoning? >> Yeah.

Have you ever had sun poisoning? >> No.

What do you do when you're bored? >> “Boredom” for me is understimulation, so it doesn’t really matter what I do, it won’t go away until it damn well pleases.

What makes you come alive? >> *shrug*

Are you ashamed of anything? >> *shrug*

Do you like going to the dentist? >> Fuck no.

Do you wear glasses? >> No.

Do you have a sibling who looks like you? >> ---

Do you look more like your mom or your dad? >> ---

How tall are you? >> 5′5″.

Would you ever want to live in a castle? >> No. That’s a lot of upkeep.

Have you ever been to a Chinatown? >> Yeah, many times.

Do you like snow? >> Eh. Not really, not anymore. It’s pretty for like ten minutes.

Do rainbows excite you? >> No. They are pretty, though.

What part of nature fascinates you the most? >> The nature part.

Were you born in your favorite season? >> Yeah.

Do you ever shop at Goodwill? >> I have, and I would in the future, but I don’t like to go very often. It’s just stressful for me for a couple of reasons.

Do you ever shop at the dollar store? >> Sure.

What does your favorite coffee mug look like? >> It’s white, yellow on the inside, and has a cute drawing of a cactus on it.

Do you go to Starbucks regularly? >> I never go to Starbucks.

What wakes you up? >> Either some environmental noise or just... a natural return to consciousness.

Do you like sushi? >> Sure.

What's your favorite brand of flavored water? >> ---

Do you drink iced tea? >> Sometimes. There’s a couple of brands I like.

Do you have neat handwriting? >> Eh, it’s passable.

Who's the last person you wrote a letter to? >> ---

Do you have long hair? >> No.

How many hours of sleep do you need to function? >> I mean, I can function on four, but it’s still diminished function. I prefer seven to eight.

What's the highest amount of kids you've babysat at one time? >> ---

Did you enjoy your first job? >> No.

Have you ever had a job you hated? >> Yes.

Are you an introvert or an extravert? >> Meh.

Are you behind on chores? >> Yeah, I haven’t vacuumed since Sparrow was put on furlough.

Are you struggling? >> I’m always struggling, bruh.

Do you need someone? >> Er.

Do you own a shirt with an elephant on it? >> I own a maxi dress with an elephant on it. It’s very comfortable.

Does gray look good on you? >> It looks fine.

[burningalight]

my binders/locker in grade school were stuffed with so much shit i couldnt find anything...always crumpled up papers, trash etc

chewed pencils/pens, broke them taking them apart in class, lost them, often didn’t have one, frequently borrowing them and forgetting to give them back to the point that certain people wouldn’t give me pencils

could comprehend reading i liked very well, but when we’d have reading groups with boring books id always be lost,  or when the teachers would have one on ones and have u read something short and ask questions after to assess ur reading level, they’d often have to tell me to read it again bc they knew how much i remembered didnt add up to my intelligence and reading speed 

moms college friend gave me an unoffical iq test and i did much worse than i know i shouldve on the reading portion bc she’d play a story and then ask me after to list every detail i could remember and i couldn’t remember anything. but when she played 10 numbers and asked me to say them out loud backwards i scored extremely high ?

couldnt do projects, would be in tears, last minute every time, parents mad bc i need a poster board RIGHT NOW ITS DUE TOMORROW . hated assigned reading, horrible at essays even when they helped us plan them. 

i remember my 7th grade social studies teacher assigning a paper, i wrote extremely detailed and well in the first paragraph or 2, and the following ones got shorter and shorter and were completely bullshit bc i got bored. she told me ‘really strong first paragraph.’ and gave me a B  

talk too got damn fast. customers constantly telling me to slow down bc they cant understand me

my mom always says she had to challenge me as a kid bc i would get bored and get in trouble. i was acting out bc i was understimulated, i happened to like learning (esp numbers and puzzles) bc smart so that’s what i could fixate on and felt stimulated by

lunch detention frequently in 8th grade in my first highschool class, algebra, bc i wouldnt do my homework, at one point he just stopped giving lunch detention for that bc i wouldnt do it. i hated that class bc the math was boring and i never paid attention but would somehow pull off a’s and b’s on tests so i ended up with a B. my first B, and i had brought that up from a D (told my mom it was almost a C, he gave a really hard test and we all did bad etc, when she had to sign a paper about my low grade) at the end of the year, during the exam i was so confused the whole time, it was my first highschool exam and i didn’t know ANYTHING. i ended up with a 92 from guessing, and a curve, and every one of my friends got at least a 93 or better and i felt so stupid bc i was supposed to be the best at math

i would take every highschool class in honors but not one english class bc it required more essays and summer reading and i knew i wouldnt do the reading and would cry over the essays

the only other class i didnt take honors was chemistry bc i knew the honors teacher had a lot of projects and i would be stressing over them. i ended up with an A in the standard chem class even tho i never finished any work in class and didnt do homework, but i was still the smartest in the class and did the best overall

lunch detention for forgetting to get papers signed like report cards. they weren’t even bad grades i just couldnt remember. one time i got actual detention for forging my moms signature bc i got lunch detention for several days straight bc i kept forgetting to get the paper signed 

often had permission slips waiting to be signed the day before the field trip, or told my mom it was picture day the day before or morning of. one time i totally forgot it was picture day and didnt dress up

acting out and not thinking ab the consequences, many referrals.. many more times that my teachers let me get away with acting out when someone else doing the same thing would’ve been punished. one time anna and i left in the middle of class to go with emma to the library, only emma had permission, and my teacher had anna and i do wall sits instead of going to the office. in gym in middle school i would never dress out. i hated the clothes and hated gym bc i was awkward and if we didnt dress out we had to copy pages out of the health textbook the entire time and i would barely write 2 paragraphs bc i was so bored and my hand hurt and he never did anything ab it. i wouldnt dress out at least twice per week if not more. told my mom I had a C bc he had it out for me but i was the problem

in elementary school if we didn’t come to gym day wearing the right shoes we had to go into the back and pick out a pair of sneakers that fit out of a box of shoes, and also borrow socks if necessary. i had to do this frequently bc i never remembered to wear the right shoes

i would extremely often forget my library books and have to sit on the couch waiting for everyone to pick out their books for half an hour

when we were even younger we’d have story time and you had to sit in the middle of the floor inside a big circle of chairs where everyone else was if you forgot your library books. i lost one at one point for months and my parents didnt just pay for it so i had to sit in the middle every time. we found the book on a shelf somewhere in the house 

my chorus teacher never liked me bc i talked too much and i always felt like the worst singer, not bc of my singing but bc she wasn’t ever nice to me

in 7th grade science we learned latin root words and every day we’d play a game where we all stood up and one by one he’d ask for a root and we’d give it. if you got it wrong on the first round you’d have to write it on a piece of paper x amount of times and turn it in. if you were the last person left you were allowed to sit on your desk for the rest of the year, during these games while everyone else had to stand up. i wanted so badly to sit on my desk, esp bc i was fidgety and couldnt stand still, but i would never study them bc i’d forget or not want to if i did remember, even tho i really wanted to know them and sit on my desk. that teacher had a huge soft spot for me and one day i just started sitting on my desk during those. everyone knew i was smart, and it was all the smart kids who got to sit on their desks, so no one questioned it. im not sure if he knew i wasnt supposed to and just let me, or didnt realize i hadnt won bc i was smart. 

hyperlexia? mom said i could practically read before i was taught. i’ve always obsessively air written, ie writing words out w my finger in the air, on my leg etc. 

esp during lectures i doodle excessively to the point that my papers margins have always been covered with random scribbly overlapped words, or song lyrics. the words are usually something someone in the class said. ive started keeping an extra sheet of paper just for scribbling when im taking notes or listening in class. when we finished end of year tests in school i would write down full lyrics to songs on my scrap paper so i wouldnt be so bored. my hand cramps up so much but it was better than staring or trying to sleep with the lights on 

doing things and forgetting to turn them in

hyperfixating on books to cope w boredom and social anxiety, at one point read one per day, i was definitely one of the most frequent people in the library 

‘ The way I see it is if I can get information into my mind, I can do a lot with it but getting it in there in the first place is the really difficult part.’ - not mine

none of my teachers ever told my mom any of this i dont think, bc i was the smartest and i always got good grades, most had a soft spot for me BUT COULDNT SEE I HAD ADHD like damn. one time my fourth grade teacher whom i liked a lot was mad at us and indirectly calling people out, and referred to the fact that some of us never stopped talking , then made direct eye contact with me and i felt rly embarrassed bc i didnt realize i did that until she mentioned it

i often had to move seats if i was near friends bc i wouldnt stop instigating talking

at big lots when i had to run the register i was so painfully bored , fidgety, had to sneak my phone soo much bc i was so bored. when i was on the floor i would put away the go backs very quickly and then take upon myself a project like going through the entire wall of individual drinks and pulling out all the expired ones, it was like 5 carts full. my manager put me in charge of organizing the entire makeup section and all the gross clearance makeup bc she knew id do it the best and fastest 

when bosses have me do inventory i can count the products super fast and efficiently, but then when they have me put them into a spreadsheet i stare at it for hours getting nothing done bc distracted and its boring. ammar told me if i’d just get off my phone i could get it done bc he’d been asking for it for weeks, i wasnt trying to ignore it 

when im trying to do something at work that needs more concentration, i want to cry with frustration whenever i hear the door chime and have to get up and help customers and break my focus

[teambetterends]

1,2,14,15,24-31, 33, 41, 43, 44-48 for the lesbian ask game! (if you want to do all those!)

aaa i would love to thank you sm i love you

1. femme or butch

uhhhhh i would probably be butch but like. sometimes i like wearing skirts and stuff like recently! and i’ve been like. having Thoughts about my connections to these like identities so i don’t really know 

2. do you have a “type”? if so, describe it

so uhh i had this conversation with myself just recently yeah so i do and it’s mostly like. reserved and more mature people than me? not older, no, absolutely not, but like? i don’t really like people who are like me, just like the same stuff that i do and are generally more responsible and understanding and Know things more than i do because i’m very unsure and emotionally clumsy and typically like. yeah

also i technically got roasted by my ex gf when she totally read me as having a thing for redheads that i didn’t realize before and it ruined my life because it’s true. 

i also love love love brown eyes they’re lovely and the best thing the universe created in humans. anyone who disagrees can meet me in the parking lot we’re gonna have a fist fight.

14. if single what are you looking for in a potential girlfriend/wife?

uhhh like tall and soft physically and emotionally and cuddly and understanding of my boundaries. uhm like reserved and nice and likes video games and is willing to put up with my inability to hold conversations but is patient with me anyway. likes cats, ideally. warm and loves cuddles and lets me go at my own pace w/ smooches and stuff pls be gentle

15. describe your dream wedding

having one

24. if a woman wanted to woo you, what would a surefire way to accomplish that?

i have no idea what i’m talking about but i guess be really easy to talk to and funny. like i feel totally comfortable talking to you and being around you. let me talk about stuff i like and understand i have a hard time talking, be comfortable in silences. like video games, otherwise. 

25. be postive! what do you like most about being a lesbian?

i love loving girls they’re so soft and amazing and i’d hate to be straight because i’d never be able to appreciate girls in all of their qualities and love them because they’re sunshine and lovely and nice. i like having connections with other lesbians in like total solidarity because you just Get each other, you can have night long conversations about how much you love girls and being lesbians and it’s so like freeing. it’s great so tldr

26. are you more of a cat person or a dog person?

cats. cats caaaaaaats. cats. but i like both cats and dogs, dogs are great, good boys, i just really love cats.

27. turn ons?

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

but like. i dunno. i like soft girls with Big Weapons and bigger biceps that they could lift me and give great cuddles with. like not zarya, i’m not super into her sorry, but like daisy ridley? hell yeah damn right. tol but not like a foot taller than me, sof, being easy to talk to. and, don’t overshare don’t overshare don’t overshare neck biting

28. turn offs?

being pretentious. talking too much but in a certain way where it’s kind of overbearing, i dunno. being disrespectful. 

29. do you usually ask other women out or do you wait for them to ask you?

i usually ask because if i don’t it won’t ever happen lmao

30. what is your dream career?

being a mermaid. one time i wanted to be an astrophysicist but realized i can’t do math. probably like a psychologist or designing video games.

31. talk about your interests or hobbies!

oh shit where do i start i have too many hyperfixations uhhh so i really like overwatch i’ve played it for like 603 hours at this point i think? kill me but i love it i get to feel important and efficient like i’m actually doing things. uhm. i love dishonored i love it so much it’s so gorgeous everything looks like a painting and i love the game mechanics of magic and eldritch powers and the whole environment and world building it’s fantastic if it were a human embodiment i’d marry it

i also like drawing, it’s fun. i’m not terribly good at it (yet) but i’m way better than i used to be so. yay. i used to write alot more often before, but i write occasionally now. it’s hard to do with uni schoolwork and playing video games when i’m avoiding schoolwork, but yeah. 

i also love music i’m pretty much always listening to music apparently i had 90,000 minutes of listening time on spotify last year? di you know that’s 1500 hours or 62.5 days? i have spotify linked on my about so you could like see everything i listen to so i won’t get lengthy about it but i love fall out boy they just came out with an album so i’m listening to it right now! it’s great

33. do you love easily or does it take time for you to warm up to someone?

i love super easily. i trust super easily and tend to care about people way too much so if i like someone i’m typically like gone immediately. hopeless. 

41. early-riser or night owl?

night owl, easily. it’s 2:00am right now. i was up until like 3:00am last night. i’m terrible someone get me on a regular sleeping schedule

43. can you drive?

i’m ryan i’m almost 19 and i never fucking learned how to drive

44. who was your first lesbian crush?

drew barrymore, i would say pretty reliably i guess? i watched charlie’s angels like a fiend from the time i was four to uhh, how old am i. she gave off kinda butch vibes (her name was. dylan.) so it makes kind of the most sense. i’m still lost with her, she’s like forty or whatever and older than my mom so i probably wouldn’t marry her but like. yeah

45. what age did you know you were a lesbian?

about march or april last year so like. 18. i was bi for a really long time, right up until i identified as a lesbian. i was dealing with a lot of feelings, and being trans for almost two yearsish at the time so. yeah

46. at what age did you come out (if you have)?

ok so i had really emotionally abusive parents, right, so i… never really got to come out. they outed me a lot of times without my consent, going through my things and yelling at me. so i never got to come out to them, at least. my bf actually figured out i was trans, so i told him. now everyone i Actually know for more than like five minutes knows i’m gay, so. it’s generally pretty known. that’s nice.

47. are you crushing on anyone at the moment?

uh. not really but also kind of. i have a bunch of small crushes but no really big major ones. 

celebrity wise i really like daisy ridley, and chloe bennet, and i’ve always crushed on meg turney my forever girl, vanessa morgan, and lyrica okano. 

48. talk about how your day went

ok. i only have one class today so i slept awhile, woke up at like 11am, got up pretty immediately surprisingly. took a shower right off the bat. sat around until class at 2, went to the library and saw my friend who works there with me he’s great, always happy to see me and cheers me up we��re buddies. did some stuff there, got some food. then later i got something to eat with roommate and went to the gym, got really upset seeing someone beforehand and ended up not being able to handle working out too long. went home and cried, watched videos to cheer up and not do anything rash, and fell asleep. now i’m sitting around and doing stuff waiting to get tired and sleep. which should probably be in a couple hours since i have class in the morning!