#i grew up in this poisonous ideology and while i did not have a promise ring i knew girls who did and attended purity balls with their dads

[simulation-machine]

Okay so, awkward question, but does anyone know where I can find a purity ring for sims? TW: for spiritual abuse, purity ring imagery, the ickier parts of Christianity

I promise it's for a cause that isn't perpetuating the myth that abstinence-only sexual education does anything but raise the teen pregnancy rate. It's for a story.

Here's some pictures of the sort of thing I'm looking for, stolen from Google:

Technically I guess any ring can be made into a purity ring since they're a pretty made-up concept but finding a nice silver one that says "purity" or "true love waits" would make my day, and I've had no luck.

ALSO if any CC creators make this for me I would be the most ecstatic ever and you would obviously be given all the credit and kudos in the world for being awesome.

[padawanlost]

I've never really been able to tell what Count Dooku's motivations were in the clone wars. Did he just want to rule the galaxy like Sidious? Or did he have another reason for doing what he did? And did he have any idea about Sidious' plans for turning Anakin?

Dooku is areally interesting character but he never got the development he deserved. Themovies barely scratched the surface but the EU give some interesting pieces of information. Here is what we know about him (and how it influenced him and his lateractions as a Sith):

He had apretty normal upbringing within the Jedi Order, he was considered talented andwas well liked. But he knew about his birth family and the power and fortunethey had. I don’t know how much that knowledge influenced his personality, butDooku is portrayed as more haughty than the average Jedi. valuing things likepower and birth over skill (that’s why he had such a problem with Anakin butmore on that later).

[Dooku] did not think of it as pride, anyway. It was assurance.Assurance of his abilities merely grew with each mission, as it should. Yoda had mistaken sureness for pride, whichis exactly what he had warned Dooku not to do. And if it was pride for Dooku tothink of himself as wiser than Yoda in this instance, Dooku wasn’t concerned.Yoda was not always right. [Jude Watson’s Legacy of the Jedi]

Dookubecome a Jedi and decided he would train a talented and powerful padawan calledQui-Gon Jinn.

Now he was a Master with an apprentice. Qui-Gon Jinn had been the most promising ofthe Padawans, and Dooku had maneuvered to get him the first time he saw him inlightsaber training, at ten years old. Dookuknew that a Master would be judged by the prowess of his Padawan, and he wantedthe best of the best. When Yoda had given his approval of the match, Dookuhad been satisfied. Another step had been taken toward his goal — to surpassYoda as the greatest Jedi ever. [Jude Watson’s Legacy of the Jedi]

“Your flaw is your need for connection tothe living Force. Qui-Gon, the galaxy is crowded with beings. The Jedi Order ishere to support you. Nevertheless you must carry the following knowledge inyour heart,” Dooku said. “Youare always alone, and betrayal is inevitable.” [Jude Watson’s Legacyof the Jedi]

During hisJedi years, as he witnessed the failings of the Jedi Order and the corruptionin the Senate he became more and more disillusioned with both. One of theturning points was the Battle of Galidraan (where a lot of Jedi died and killedon the orders of a corrupt politician working with the Death Watch).

It was a massacre; and the Jedi had carried itout, pawns of the corrupt Galidraangovernor, who had set up the Mandalorian army for his own agenda. Lookingback on it, Dooku saw it was the tippingpoint that had changed his life. It was the moment he had started to think. Ibelieved my Masters. I didn’t think for myself. They didn’t question, either;they took the governor at his word. They just believed. And we killed people.We killed them on the say-so of a criminal. [Karen Traviss’ the Clone Wars.]

He tried to change things, he told people abouthis fears but it all went ignored. When the Naboo Crisis started he wasdone with both the Order and Republic. Once he heard the news of Qui-Gon’sdeath he picked up his things and left.

 His discontent hadcontinued to grow and fester; his frustration with the Republic Senate,with ineffectual Supreme Chancellor Valorum, with the shortsightedness ofthe Jedi Council members themselves. A Trade Federation blockade of Naboo,rumors of a Chosen One found on a desert world, the death of Qui-Gon Jinnat the hands of a Sith … How could the Council members not seewhat was happening? How could they continue to claim that the dark sideobscured all?

Dooku had said as much to anyone who would listen. He wore hisdiscontent on the sleeve of his robes. Though they hadn’t enjoyed the smoothest ofstudent–teacher relationships, he and Yoda had spoken openly of the portents. ButYoda was living proof of a conservatism that came with extended life. Dooku’strue confidant had been Master Sifo-Dyas, who, while also disturbed by what wasoccurring, was too weak to take action.

The Battle of Naboo hadrevealed that the Sith were back in the open, and that a Sith Lord was at worksomewhere. The Sith Lord: the one born with the power needed to take the finalstep. Dooku had given thought to seeking him out, perhaps killing him.But even what little faith he placed in the prophecy was enough to raise doubtthat the death of a Sith could halt the advance of the dark side. Another wouldcome, and another. [JamesLuceno’s Labyrinth of Evi]

Here is his final letter to the Jedi Council:

For many years, I have served the Jedi Order and done my best to honorthe traditions of the Jedi. Today I am compelled to announce that I am leavingthe Order. It is not unreasonable for anyone to wonder why I have decided toleave at this time. Yes, I am aware of various allegedly discreet queries fromthose searching for a reason. Therecent, tragic loss of my former pupil, Qui-Gon singly corrupt Senate? Some ofmy contemporaries have suggested that seeds of discontent were planted twelveyears ago, at the Battle of Galidraan. While I cannot deny that these eventshave left their mark on me, I will only allow that the time has come that I canno longer be a Jedi. As most of you are aware, financial resources are atmy disposal on my home-world, Serenno. While I would like to think my manyyears of devoted service to the Order disavows any notions that I am yieldingto economic circumstances, I will enlighten those who don’t know me so wellwith a certain piece of wisdom that I have always found true: money creates asmany problems as it does opportunities. It is my plan to return to Serenno andserve my people as a philanthropist. It is my last request as a Jedi Masterthat you respect my decision, as well as my privacy. Good-bye, old friends, andmay the Force be with you.

Dooku and Palpatine werefriends. He was the one who told Palpatine about Anakin’s chosen one status.Palpatine was aware of Dooku’s unhappiness and he knew he would be looking forhim so he approached Dooku with a proposition to “save the galaxy”:

As it happened, therehad been no need to hunt for Sidious, for it was Sidious who had approachedhim. Sidious’s boldness surprised him at first, but it hadn’t taken longfor Dooku to become fascinated by the Sith. Instead of a lightsaber duel to thedeath, there had been much discussion, and a gradual understanding that theirseparate visions for how the galaxy might be rescued from depravity werenot so different after all. [James Luceno’s Labyrinth of Evi]

“depravity” - keep that word in your mind!

Dooku’s goal was to “savethe galaxy” by removing the Senate and the Jedi. Once they were gone so wouldthe corruption and he and Palpatine would be free to build a better world. In away, Palpatine played with his hopes the same way he did with Anakin. hepretended he shared Dooku’s feelings, offered a solution and used him as his pawn.

Which brings us to Anakin andObi-wan. Dooku knew Palpatine wanted Anakin but he still believed Obi-wan was abetter choice:

“May I suggest, Master, that we give Kenobi one last chance? Thesupport of a Jedi of his integrity would be invaluable in establishing thepolitical legitimacy of our Empire.” “Ah, yes. Kenobi.” His Master’s voice wentsilken. “You have long been interestedin Kenobi, haven’t you?” “Of course. His Master was my Padawan; in a sense,he’s practically my grandson—” “Heis too old. Too indoctrinated. Irretrievably poisoned by Jedi fables. Weestablished that on Geonosis, did we not? In his mind, he serves the Forceitself; reality is nothing in the face of such conviction.” [Matthew Stover’s Revengeof the Sith]

“But I must ask, my Master: is Skywalker truly the man we want?”“He is powerful. Potentially more powerful than even myself.” “Which isprecisely,” Dooku said meditatively, “why it might be best if I were to killhim, instead.” “Are you so certain that you can?” “Please. Of what use is powerunstructured by discipline? The boy is as much a danger to himself as he is tohis enemies. And that mechanical arm—”Dooku’s lip curled with cultivateddistaste. “Revolting.” “Then perhaps you should have spared his real arm.”“Hmp. A gentleman would have learned tofight one-handed.” Dooku flicked a dismissive wave. “He’s no longer evenentirely human. With Grievous, the use of these bio-droid devices is almostforgivable; he was such a disgusting creature already that his mechanical partsare clearly an improvement. But a blendof droid and human? Appalling. The depths of bad taste. How are we to justifyassociating with him?” [Matthew Stover’s Revenge of the Sith]

Dooku is ableist. He doesn’tcare about Anakin’s power at all. He’s far more interested in the lesspowerful but “wholesome” Kenobi.  And thataffects his view of a “better galaxy”:

A government clean, pure, direct: none of the messy scramble for the favor of ignorantrabble and subhuman creatures thatmade up the Republic he so despised. The government he would serve would beAuthority personified. Human authority.[Matthew Stover’s Revenge of the Sith]

Dooku’s ideology is disgustingand he hides it worse than Palpatine. He wants the save the galaxy from those heconsider subhuman creates so he can enjoy peace for those he deems worthy (theclean, pure ones). He wants to end the depravity! That’s why he is so interested in Obi-wan and why he loathesAnakin. Dooku is motivated by his prejudices and his own arrogance.That’s all he truly wants: a world where humans rules and everyone who doesn’t look or sound like him is considered inferior and treated as such.

[overfedvenison]

More SMT nocturne diary! I did some of this on the weekend...

---

I ascended to the top of the Obelisk and met with my Teacher from before the conception. As I hadn't seen her for the entire game, I wasn't quite sure what I was expecting...

Surprisingly, she was fine. She expressed regret about the conception, saying how she believed that the world would be recreated in a state where people would be happy to be alive. In the old world, they simply stagnated... People lost the need to improve themselves and compete.

She expressed the feeling that Hikawa was simply using her. He told her she would be the pillar of the new world - A pun, the pillar of the obelisk she rested upon is literally channeling energy for the new world. I'm not sure if that existed in the Japanese version. But she said it's not too late - We can still change the fate of the world.

It looked like she was developing her own reason, but actually gave herself up to a god 'Even Hikawa didn't know about:' Arcada. Her body turned into a vessel for it, and she told us cryptic things about fighting for a reason. Through it all, I got an important bit of information: A demon cannot make a reason, ourselves included. So we must champion one.

After she disappeared, Lucifer appeared in his child form... Apparently, the world will soon be recreated, and all those with reasons will soon go to war. I came back at an interesting time, it seems.

Mechanically, the god blessed us with two additional demon slots. But now I'm left without a clear direction, left to wander to find my reason...

---

I decided to examine the Mannikin City, to see if Futomimi had developed a reason... His ideals seemed juvenile: A world where mannikins could live in peace and have nice lives. Unlike others, which had a wide variety of high ideologies - A rejection of unnecessary things where the powerful are chosen for greatness, an isolationist society where you can do anything but are forced to rely on yourself, etc, Futomimi basically just wanted Mannikin Liberation. He seemed to have no real idea what to found a world on, really, which ties in with Mannikins are being "Flatter" than humans with more of a surface-level understanding and ideals.

I'm curious to see his conclusion. As I went to the place where he was metitating, various Mannikins told me had had already left. So, to the Mannikin Village...

Hijiri was waiting for me there, and congratulated me on stopping the flow of Magatsuchi. Hikawa won't be able to make his move for a while, and the Nightmare System is disabled now that the Maiden is removed from it. He dropped some lore on me... - To make a new world, you need a strong idea of what you want to create. A "Reason" - To acquire a reason, you need divine protection from a god. You need a large amount of Magatsuhi to summon a god. (Does our teacher thus already have a reason? Or does she represent Hikawa's completed reason?) - Isamu is currently in the Alama Network, if we want to go find him

I went off to find Isamu, as the manikin village hadn't changed. This was another trek through the Alama Network...

---

The boss there was the same spectre as the last time I was in the network - Very clever! The trick here is that he drains your MP to deliver a very powerful attack, and summons a total of six clones of himself... He's also immune to the four basic elements.

I saw the trick: I went in with almost-empty MP and spent the first rounds debuffing his attack, then spamming Poison Arrows to deal damage against all the enemies, healing with items, and attacking. (First use for poison arrows, honestly.)

Once he started simply attacking us, I summoned proper allies to finish him off

---

Afterward, I found Isamu... He had absorbed the souls in the Amala Network and grown powerful from them - And developed the reason of Musubi.

He says he has stopped caring entirely about others. The way he sees it, the way the world works is that others don't notice him and he doesn't notice others. Ultimately, everyone is at the center of their own world, and he wants to make this more explicit in his vision of the new world - A new universe where everyone can create their own world, regardless of what others think.

I agreed that his general philosophy has appeal, at least in the sense that I know where he's coming from. I said the same thing to the previous Reason I found. He responded "You can't please everyone, and shouldn't bother trying to." And said that he stopped blaming me for failing to help him find the teacher, or escape the prison, or anything else.

I can see the rationale: You are at the center of your own world. From that perspective, there is no incentive to help others. Likewise, you should expect no help -from- others... Blaming others for not helping you is a flaw of character, and the only person you can depend on is yourself. If you want something to happen, it's entirely on you to do so - Alone. And, presumably, you shouldn't care about what others think, or let their opinions effect your own life.

The path to Isamu has you meet a Shadow who parrots his phrases... "Society didn't reject me, I reject society." "To be strong is to be solitary." Things like that. He accepts you and lets you inside only if you -don't- try to convince him to let you by.

Musubi... Seems to evoke the outcasts of society, people who detest having to alter themselves for others and have been let down by society. As much as it is about the virtues of isolationism and a self-directed life, it comes from a place not out of anything constructive, but of a rejection of a society that has burned and let down many people.

It seems to be very forward-thinking and prescient in it's delivery for a 10 year old game -  The Alama Network is very much a fantasy equivalent to the internet, and it is through that Isamu was able to get his voice out and gain power and supporters for an movement isolationist on a personal level. Isamu's grand scheme has been called a "NEET paradise" by some gamers for good reason, and it's overall essence seems very similar to a lot of recent internet movements.

---

I went back to Shibuya and decided to try fighting Mara, a bonus boss in the back of the strip mall on a full moon. Mara is incorrectly summoned as a slime by some manikins, and has only 2300 HP but fully heals each turn. I was able to win by lowering his defense and attacking as best I could the round after Sarutahiko hit with a Retaliate (a counter that does huge damage.)

For my trouble, I got the Muspell magatama - and the knowledge that Baphomet speaks bleating every word with an A in it.

---

I found Hikawa at the old Mantra building... He says he was impressed by my strength, the power of the demi-fiend, and explained his own ideals.

"Man's greed is like a fire. When it is small, it is warm and comfortable. But fire eventually grows into flames, devouring everything in it's path. Mankind grew to covet fire. Humans became dependent on it's warmth, and averted their eyes from it's destructive nature."

"Humans should serve the world. By doing so, a life of repose would in turn be promised to them. What is desirable, what is undesirable... It's not man that makes that distinction... It is the world."

"Humans should be beacons of light in that world. The light spins quietly-- Sometimes bright, sometimes dim-- Becoming one with the world. That is the ideal way of life. Don't you agree, that the world should be ruled by serenity?"

Essentially, he's arguing in favour of a purpose. Greed, in small doses, is something that pushes you forward. But a society can't be built on greed... Humans need to serve a structure, a greater purpose, and bend to it's will - A higher purpose inexorably linked with the will of the world. As long as you dutifully serve this higher purpose, you will have a good life.

On the face of it, this is phrased in a way that's setting off red flags... But I suppose these all were. "Rule by serenity" sounds sinister, but the idea that mankind should be serving a purpose to the world does seem to have merit. I... Very hesitantly agreed to this outlook, as well as all the others. He said he'd get me when time is appropriate.

Those are our three Reasons so far... One of cutting out unnecessary things and rule by the naturally exceptional. One of intense isolationism on a personal level, and pure self-reliance and independence - And no care for others. And one of personal sacrifice and order to be in tune with the world, with the implication that those that don't keep in line should be stamped out.

---

I was unable to get to the Mantra Building. But, I'm very curious about Futomimi, so I returned there. Once I teleported back to Asakusa, Hijiri confirmed this was a good path.

Futomimi prohpesizes a great power that can threaten the Manikins in Yoyogi Park, so we head there through the subway.

We meet Yuko again. She's not overtaken by the god, but gives us guidance... The world Hikawa wants is a restrained world of order, one that would cripple the new world. She says that as the one responsible for the destruction of the old world, it's her duty to shape the new one - She says that the world can't remain in a state of chaos, nor fall prey to Hikawa. She clarifies that, despite speaking to her god, she has no reason.

She tells me of the Yahirono Himorogi, a stone that grants an enormous amount of magatsuhi to it's posessor. Hence the power struggles in Yoyogi Park. Yuko wants it to reveal her reason, from her god. She asks for my help to take it from it's current posessor...

This is interesting... I don't think a reason can come from a god like that. I think a human has to will it. Relying on someone to tell you what you want the world to be? That sounds fishy. I told her I'd think about it.

[astateofjess]

A Court of Silver Flames

The first few books were mostly from Feyre's perspective, so when we learn about how rude and defensive Nesta acts toward Feyre throughout the series, it's natural to immediately want to protect our main character. The problem with this is that people can be unreliable narrators and we only ever get the story account from Feyre's point of view. We don't ever get another perspective, especially in regards to her human life. It's extremely important to remember that the Archeron family had about ~20 years of relationship dynamics that we are not fully aware of. Feyre barely scratches the surface on the history about her blood family.

From Feyre's perspective we learn early on that she is the sole provider for her family that includes her father and two older sisters. The youngest sibling is the main provider. Yes, that is immensely fucked up but it is more fucked up that this is only because her mother, who in the end is the true toxic villain imo, made Feyre promise that she would take care of the family. She was EIGHT years old at the time. They were CHILDREN. Her father, who was injured after a debt-related assault, did nothing to provide for his family after the mother passes. Feyre took it upon herself to learn how to provide in place of her father because her mother had made her promise to, and because she was also the only one to have witnessed her father's assault and sympathized with his grief for losing his fortune and his wife.

That being said, this book is a character study of Nesta Archeron and I can't lie... she grew on me. While yes, she came off as rude, I never hated her for it. I couldn't hate her for it. In A Court of Thorns of Roses, Nesta tries to find Feyre after Tamlin takes her captive. Feyre responds to her confession by saying

"My hateful, cold sister had been willing to brave Prythian to rescue me. [...] I looked at my sister, really looked at her, at this woman who couldn't stomach sycophants who now surrounded her, who had never spent a day in the forest but had gone into wolf territory... who had shrouded the loss of our mother, then our downfall, in icy rage and bitterness, because the anger had been a lifeline, the cruelty a release. But she had cared — beneath it, she had cared, and perhaps loved more fiercely than I could comprehend, more deeply and loyally" (ACOTAR 265).

Afterward, Feyre teaches her how to paint and they have a genuine sister bonding moment. Sisters fight, but at the end of the day there is a strong, unbreakable bond and love for one another. It isn't until A Court of Silver Flames when we learn more about the mother-daughter relationship the Archeron sisters had with their mother. In the same way that their mother made Feyre promise to provide for her family, she fed Nesta with ideology of marrying into a good family such as

"My Nesta. Elain shall wed for love and beauty, but you, my cunning little queen... You shall wed for conquest" (59).

In doing so, at such a young age, she placed so much importance in marrying a wealthy suitor. Losing a parent is never easy, but to then experience a change of lifestyle when their family falls into poverty and seeing that her father did nothing to provide made her bitter. Seeing that no one came to their families aid in their time of need, or to her aid when she needed help finding her sister made her resentful towards everything she had ever believed and learned. It's often said that Nesta became the wolf, claws and bite, and we learn that eventually she couldn't get rid of it. When you let so much resent and poison fill your heart, you get stuck in that darkness.

With the way things ended at the end of the war and losing her father, Nesta turns to numbing the pain. She does so by drinking to oblivion, bringing random partners to bed, and continuously being rude to Feyre and her friends. Nesta has hit rock bottom, and she absolutely loathes herself and doesn't believe she deserves forgiveness or redemption... or to even exist in the world. The guilt and pain she feels is rotting her from within resulting in her being quick to spit venom when someone tries to show any sort of affection or care because she doesn't believe she deserves it.

One of the people she consistently pushes away, and keeps at a far distance is Cassian. The development of their relationship is one of my favorites so far. Cassian is the General Commander of the Night Court's armies and an Illyrian Warrior. He is strong, caring, suave, humorous, loyal and an all around a genuine person. Nesta once said that "everything about him had radiated that confident, arrogant masculinity" (122). To put it simply, homeboy was packing and could make any female swoon, that is... everyone but Nesta. The sexual tension between the two definitely had me feeling twirly.

"Quick off the mark, she'd purred, like what they'd done hadn't meant anything. He knew it was bullshit. He'd felt her frantic need, heard her moans and wanted to devour them whole. But that kernel of doubt took root. He had to make it even, somehow. Had to get the upper hand again" (220).

The back and forth between these two had me at the edge of my seat throughout the book. You could obviously tell that they both wanted each other, but it was almost like a game between them. It was enticing to continue reading and I truly think that they were destined to find each other. Cassian is the only one who would be able to step up to her attitude in a way where he can simultaneously bite back but from a loving place. They're essentially two sides of the same coin. As General Commander, he had seen death and had near-death experiences as well, and because of this - he wasn't afraid of who Nesta had become: Pure Death by the Cauldron. There is no one more understanding of death than a General Commander of armies, which makes their relationship even more special for me.

"Death watched him. But death had walked beside him every day of his life. So Cassian stroked his thumb along her palm and said, 'Hello Nes'" (343).

Lastly, the reason why I love their relationship so much is that Cassian gives her the space to heal on her own. So often we get the damsel in distress, and the knight in shining armor, but Nesta had gone through so much trauma that she needed to face it on her own. Cassian knows this from his own traumatic experiences, that to get yourself out of a dark place, you have to do it out of your own will to try. In a beautiful moment of vulnerability shared between the two, he says

"'There’s nothing broken to be fixed,' he said fiercely. 'You are helping yourself. Healing the parts of you that hurt too much — and perhaps hurt others, too.' [...] Cassian nuzzled into her hand, closing his eyes. 'I’ll be with you every step of the way,' he whispered into her palm. 'Just don’t lock me out. You want to walk in silence for a week, I’m fine with that. So long as you talk to me at the end of it'" (506).

The Nesta we were first introduced to is not the same one we see at the end and that speaks volumes to her character growth. It takes a true warrior to dig yourself out of a deep pit you created for yourself. She had to climb mountains to get beyond what she is but she doesn't do it alone. Along her healing journey, she meets a few friends who are kindred spirits. They build a bond with one another as soul sisters as they face their own mountains needed to climb in their respective healing journey.

I could go into further detail about a lot of things within this book, but I fear I have gone on for too long. It's always difficult condensing what you think and feel about a 700+ page book into one post without feeling like you're rambling.

As for my prediction, I think the next book will focus on Azriel and I'm definitely excited for that. There were so many moments in this book that Azriel's personality shown through and I loved it. I only believe so because Cassian had some POVs stick out in A Court of Frost and Starlight and since Azriel had more of a noticeable presence in this one I feel it only makes sense to focus on his character history and development in the next book. We'll have to wait and see I suppose.

So I'll end here, unless you have experienced a dysfunctional childhood, sexual assault, hitting rock bottom and absolutely hating yourself to the point where you don't believe you deserve to be forgiven or to even simply exist then you will never understand the darkness that Nesta had to pull herself out of. It is extremely hard, but oh so worth it. Taken from the dedication page,

"For every Nesta out there — climb the mountain."