#i grew up around of white girls. and lol. being so obviously treated different is something like damn | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

shoichee · 4 years

Note

ALSO CAN I ASK FOR SOME RANDOM GOM HCS U HAVE? like just random ones u have or if u want like some toxic hcs abt them :D

I’m assuming that I can include their negative traits of their personalities as well 👀 Also including Momoi in this… lots of analyzing for this hc, so I used my brain here pls appreciate AGAIN these are all headcanons/interpretations of possible toxic hcs about them and only a few are canon

[Headcanons]

Kuroko Tetsuya

Kuroko is the hardest person to find a “negative/toxic” trait in, and it doesn’t seem like he has any

kind, understanding, hardworking, and compassionate; he’s everything a good-natured protagonist is

but he’s only like this to people/hobbies he cares about/close with; anything else he’s quite apathetic and also very passive/neutral about

the biggest hint to this is when Akashi criticizes Kuroko for cherry-picking who the GoMs should “go all out against” and who to casually toy with

and Akashi is absolutely correct

most of the series is portrayed through Kuroko’s perspective, and Akashi is the first direct outside perspective who comments on his actions/attitude

it’s obviously not that Kuroko didn’t “notice”... he clearly sees and knows what these GoMs are doing; after all, he had a conversation with Aomine about how observant he is to everything around him

of course, if you were close to him, all your opinions and issues matter to him

it’s the fact that what’s not really important to him is suddenly now important just because someone he knows is involved

just an example: if someone was advocating climate change, he has no opinion on it until someone he knows cares about the issue

in other words, he has a subtle hypocritical view on things, especially when he interacts with others

another clear negative trait could be that he’s too idealistic or perhaps naive, seeing things in a clear black-or-white picture and not necessarily a gray area

WE know, as an audience, that the GoMs honestly needed therapy and a proper adult to guide their out-of-control talents

but Kuroko, in his eyes, had viewed them as “bad” and “evil” in their ways of basketball until they changed after their respective matches

he’s probably someone who doesn’t yield to other opinions once he forms his own, and this may make him unable to consider things in other people’s perspectives

which is again, ironic: someone who doesn’t have generally a strong stance but once they do, it’s very unyielding, which further proves Akashi’s comment about Kuroko’s tendency to nitpick which to care about

a final hc about a potential flaw he might have here in a different ask!

Kise Ryota

y’all… it’s as canon as day that he has a mean side

straight from the author himself, it’s confirmed that Kise is only kind to those who he respects, and to the rest, he’s cold-hearted

in the manga, it’s very clear that he’s super judgmental on every first impression on people he meets, boxing them into categories based on the way they look, act, and speak

only when they surpass his preset expectations (low or high depends on his preliminary judgments of them) is when he opens his mind to the rest of their personality

this is a very close-minded way of thinking, and I hope I don’t need to explain why LOL

this can be interpreted as him being two-faced by the majority of the people in his school

his way of speaking can definitely be very cruel and crass, and to sensitive people, his words can easily shatter hearts

Kise’s negative/toxic traits are pretty straightforward here, so let’s move on

Midorima Shintarou

his harsh words can be considered a “negative” part of his personality, but I think it’s a lot more than just that

it’s confirmed in the series that he’s a bystander and almost always minds his own business

on one hand, one can say he’s self-driven and that he constantly strives for self-improvement

on the other, it can be interpreted as him being very dangerously ambitious and selfish, in which most actions he takes are for the sole reason of self-improvement and not for altruistic reasons

for example, when he helped Kuroko and Kagami in the training camp, it was under the reasoning that them becoming stronger would be a good challenge for himself to test and learn

that’s not to say that he can’t have friends, but most friendships he’s built are with capable people who can potentially provide him with some new beneficial skill/goal to strive towards

after all, he’s only learned to trust Takao as a friend only after seeing him as someone capable

because he’s so focused on himself, he’s extremely likely to turn a blind eye to injustice, most also likely to use Oha Asa to justify their “misfortunes” as he continues on his day

he’s not cold-hearted, but altruism comes by Midorima a lot rarer than the average person

now, we know that his Oha Asa aspect is used to balance his serious side as the “comedic side” of him, but if we really think about it, his obsessions with the horoscopes could be a huge obstacle in the future, where he may refuse to listen/depend on others in favor of his own intuition and the stars; after all, no one knows everything, and depending on the stars as one’s next source of advice and guidance isn’t a sound decision to commit themselves to

he seems like the person who overthinks and jumps to conclusions when it comes to social situations, but instead of confronting the person, he turns to fate and fortune if Takao isn’t near to help

Aomine Daiki

I wouldn’t be surprised if Aomine had a skewed sense of beauty standards from all those magazines he consumed and from being around Momoi for the majority of his life

of course anyone can distinguish pieces of media from reality, but during the most impressionable years of life, without experiencing other types of people and physiques, he would have limited knowledge on what “beauty” is and whatnot

this probably would be more of a problem in his adolescence than adult

a very given negative trait is his short temper plus his tendency to turn to physical violence when someone nags him to a certain point, seen with how he’s treated Wakamatsu in the beginning (though this seems to almost disappear by the end of the series)

what I’ve noticed in every scene he’s in, is that everything seems to revolve around him and his hobbies of basketball and Japanese idols

what I mean is that everytime we see Aomine, it’s always Momoi approaching to Aomine or just him always being the center of attention; never once has he approached Momoi for anything and it’s always been the other way around

in other words, people have to cater to him in order to get along with him/be in good graces (additional example: Imayoshi letting him do as he pleases to get him to be cooperative and participate in the games)

we’ve actually never seen Momoi’s hobbies outside of being a manager for her basketball teams and just anything basketball-related

he can be quite apathetic, choosing to only pay attention and try in things he’s interested in… which is basketball and those magazines

he seems to mature in the Last Game though, so I’m not quite sure to what extent these headcanons would apply to older Aomine (these also don’t really apply to Puremine)

Momoi Satsuki

the author probably also included this type of anime trope as comedy, but belittling another female for her body is definitely a no-go in reality; I feel like this is something most people gloss over really lightly

her body comments on Riko are actually what made me skeptical of her character at first before the show really shows her entire personality

that being said, it seems that she always takes the opportunity to look down on other girls (especially to those she is a stranger to) as a sort of “competition” when there’s boys around

definitely at certain moments, she screams a “pick-me girl” type of person (real phenomenon, you can search this up!)

while Kuroko doesn’t seem to actively mind this, I think she also has no good sense of boundaries and what’s considered appropriate touch and consent; people can chalk this up to “oh it’s just infatuation,” but this definitely isn’t okay if we really think about this

her life also seems to revolve around either Aomine or Kuroko, and based from that, I’d feel like she’d have a difficult time forming her own identity/life separate from her “manager life,” especially once she graduates from Touou

can definitely be interpreted as too clingy at certain moments, while others may think it’s her way of showing that she cares

Murasakibara Atsushi

most people would chalk up Murasakibara as “lazy,” and on the surface level, it does appear to look that way…

I think his true negative trait is that he has a lack of intrinsic motivations to drive him to do things

it’s different from being lazy; someone can be lazy while still having a goal, and certainly someone can be lazy while they’re motivated by thoughts of “I want to learn more,” “I want to get stronger,” etc. (you guys, it’s me right now in college)

and he doesn’t have that

part of this was contributed to the fact that he’s already so gifted with genetics and thus, there’s never been a goal for him to have to work towards to when he’s already at the top

he doesn’t actively seek out, and while that may be a characteristic of sloth, it’s not exactly right either

he willingly does things if people around him give him the motivations/reasons to do so; a person of sloth wouldn’t do anything even with all the motivations and goals handed right to their face

snacks/food are examples of extrinsic motivations that fuel him to carry on daily life

Himuro is always the main motivator for Murasakibara to come out and watch matches, and he also does whatever Akashi orders in both Teiko and present days // a person who can give the giant the motivation to do tasks would get along with him the most

searching out for a challenge against his basketball skills is something that’s never crossed his mind

why? he grew to be like the way he is because of the lack of results from his “search” of a challenge throughout his games

again, it’s only when Murasakibara gets handed a silver-platter of a challenge, Jason Silver, that actively gets him pumped up and raring to go

as such, Murasakibara is equivalent to a rusty machine, extremely difficult to start up and find compatibility with, but very powerful and efficient once he finds that spark

Murasakibara finding any partner or friend in the future would be extremely difficult because he ticks a different tune from the rest

Akashi Seijuro

his entire Bokushi side was a giant-ass red flag for very obvious reasons LOL anyways, moving on…

it’s difficult to pinpoint a negative characteristic for Oreshi because he’s the pinnacle of a gentleman character… but that technically is also his negative trait

for him to maintain that perfect image for himself and others, he has always carried himself in such a way that doesn’t allow for errors or expressions of “weakness”

thus, bottling up his frustrations and emotions to the point of no return is something very familiar to Akashi, and I’d feel like Bokushi is the result of his overflowing emotions left unchecked in the first place

I also predict that if Akashi continues to carry himself without letting himself wind down and feel emotions on the spot rather than locking it up inside him, a day will come when he splits into two halves again with a “new” Bokushi to deal with his current life (and let the current Oreshi take a backseat in his psyche to take a break from the turmoil)

also will tend to overwork himself to manage people’s expectations as well as his own, and he’s not one to depend on people not because he sees them as inferior or incapable, but because he’s doing this out of habit from being in positions of authority and responsibility for much of his life

and so, he may tend to hide important things or just not speak about his problems in general to those close to him because he feels like he can do it all himself and spare everyone the work and stress associated with them (a leader mentality)

throughout the majority of his life being calm and calculated, his emotions would definitely escape from him in forms of uncontrollable lashes of anger… before he would realize what he’s done… that is, assuming that another Bokushi hasn’t form within his subconscious yet

298 notes · View notes

ververa · 4 years

Text

All or Nothing

A/N: So, I kinda turned it into a pretty long story. It’s far more longer than I’ve planned and I keep coming up with more and more things, that’s why I need to divide it into parts.

You really need to yell at me or something to keep it shorter and stop complicating thigs lol

Also I need to give a shout-out to @make--your--life--spectacular who is helping me a lot <3

Hope you’ll enjoy it. I promise things will be far more interesting in further parts.

Lana Winters x fem!Reader

Words: 2.053

Lana was the woman who broke the mould. She was the embodiment of woman’s strength. No wonder, she became a role model for young feminists, including you. You adored her from the moment you saw her on TV for the first time. She wasn’t even famous yet, and you already were her biggest fan. For some reason you felt like the two of you had a lot in common and would get on well with each other. Yet you were just a teenager – a rebellious girl who grew up in a very conservative family. It was always clear that you weren’t like other girls. You didn’t want to get married or have children. You wanted to study and explore the world. You wanted to change the world and inspire people the way Lana had inspired you. And so you decided to be a journalist.

It wasn’t always easy, but you were a fighter, just like Lana. And even though life lavished both of you with a lot of obstacles, you didn’t give up. You weren’t that type who give up easily. And even though, you had to go through a lot on your way to the aim, you knew it was worth it.

After publishing her book Lana was on top of everything. She was on top of her career, fame and life. At least it seemed like that. She succeeded and was in charge. Everyone not only wanted, but paid for listening to her. She got the power that was unimaginable and finally, for once, everyone was taking her seriously. You wanted the same thing for yourself. And who else could understand it better if not Lana Winters herself?

That’s what you thought going to a job interview at the magazine in which she was the boss. Little did you know that getting to Lana wasn’t going to be as easy as you had thought. She was a chief editor and didn’t bother to participate in the process of recruiting new journalists. She simply didn’t have time for it and didn’t really care. Lana was a busy woman. There were always a lot of thing she needed to do, a lot of places she should be at and a lot of things she wanted to write about. She rarely met with anyone, especially the ‘young staff’ - as they called it - because for her the best way to get to know them was by reading their articles. It was, in fact, that part of her job that she hated. She found them all incompetent and stupid. Their works always needed to be corrected or changed completely in order to make sense at all. Lana often complained that there were no real journalists anymore. And that’s when you appeared and became a member of the staff.

It wasn’t clear for you how or why you managed to get the job, as there were a lot of people who were more experienced than you, but you weren’t going to complain. Working for Lana Winters was like a dream come true. She was the person you looked up to the most, so you were ready to do anything just to meet her. You were young and full of energy. You wanted to change the world and you put a lot of effort into making it happen. Yet you weren’t really ready for a reality check. It was all going too well to be real, you thought, but you were an optimist, so you wanted to believe that after all you had been through it was finally going to be okay. Though, as usually, life wasn’t going to go easy on you.

As you got the job it turned out that you were not only the youngest one, but also the only female member of the staff. That made everything twice as hard, but it didn’t discourage you. You kept on doing your best, believing that it would lead you where you wanted to be. But still there was a long way for you to go before achieving anything.

It wasn’t all that bad at first. They seemed to be pretty nice and friendly, but you soon realized it was only an illusion. In reality they were all awful and treat you horribly. They didn’t take you seriously, even kind of discriminated you, simply because you were a woman. Instead of letting you write they treated you more like some servant. And you were well aware that you wouldn’t be able to achieve your goal if you kept on making tea or coffee. That’s why you decided to do something about it.

Since Lana didn’t have her own family she had pretty much time to focus on her job. She loved writing, but besides being the best journalist she also wanted to help her staff develop. Or rather make sure that her workers were good writers, because obviously, in Lana’s team there was no place for incompetent morons. Her time was precious, but giving her attention to that matter every weekend didn’t seem to be a total waste of time.

As a boss Lana was able to lay down her own rules. And she did make quite a lot of them. One of them was making you write an article for her every week. It was her way of checking if you were making any progress in your writing and if you paid any attention at all to the corrections she had made in your previous works. It also enabled her to keep track of you developing your writing skills.

Whether you liked it or not, all of you had to follow Lana’s rules. You didn’t mind, but the majority of your colleagues hated it. The pressure was enormous, you couldn’t deny it. Writing for Lana was really time consuming, which was the biggest problem for all your male friends, who always complained about it. You failed to understand why they were so ignorant and didn’t take it seriously. For you it was obviously a great way of improving your skills. You were also aware that if you want to keep working at the magazine and be able to work with Lana and not only for her, you needed to be better than the rest. You knew that to get her attention you needed to amaze her with your writing. Though it was pretty hard, taking into consideration that your colleagues pretty much excluded you from writing.

At the beginning you had no idea that Lana wasn’t getting your works at all. She was usually picking a few works every week and then sending them back to their authors with her corrections and suggestions. All your colleagues got their works checked at least once, but you had never got yours. That’s when you began to wonder why. You were furious when you found out that your so called friends were purposefully excluding your works. Though it began to make sense then. No wonder you never got your works proofread, since Lana hadn’t got to read any of them. You knew there was no use in confronting your colleagues about it. That wouldn’t change anything anyway. So, you decided to act the way they did. You couldn’t make them play by your rules, because treating everyone equally obviously wasn’t their thing, so you began playing by their rules. Except you were smarter than them and knew exactly that you were able to beat them even in their own game.

It was against your principles to do things like that, but since you joined the group of male writers you learned that if you wanted to achieve anything, you had to break the rules sometimes. You took the risk and replaced the envelope that your colleagues prepared - with the one that contained only your works, because you had to make sure that Lana would pick your article. It was very risky and there were only two options. You could either get all you wanted or got fired and be left with nothing, but you did it anyway.

You had always been rather a patient and calm person, but that two days of waiting were like a torture. You felt uncertain and didn’t know what to expect. Whether Lana would like your work or hate it? Whether she would be mad and fire you or not? Or what would you do if she indeed fire you? You hadn’t really thought it over and so you were dying of worry for a whole weekend.

But as Monday arrived you didn’t need to wait too long for getting answers to all your questions. Early in the morning Lana practically dashed inside - with the white envelope and a lot of different papers in her hand. She immediately had everyone’s attention, because she had never ever appeared in that part of the office where you were working. She put all her stuff on the nearest chair and spoke up.

“Who wrote this?” she showed you a file of articles

There was a moment of silence. It was hard to say whether she was happy or not and nobody even dared to look at her. You were about to confess it was you, but before you managed to one of your colleagues - the most annoying and self-important one spoke.

“It was me” he said

Apparently, following the “all or nothing” rule was a thing among you. Your heart was beating so fast that you were pretty sure you may faint. What would you do if she believed him? Though luckily for you, she didn’t.

Lana looked at him and a frown of disapproval appeared on her face.

“No, it definitely wasn’t you. I had seen your works before. You’re unable to form a grammatically correct sentence, not to mention that you have absolutely no idea what you’re writing about. Honestly, I don’t know how you managed to graduate in journalism without the ability of writing and having such a poor stock of words”

After that comment you became a little bit less stressed, you somehow found the nerve and addressed her.

“I wrote it” you said coming out from behind the desk

Lana turned around immediately as she heard your voice. She smiled with satisfaction, as she had already known it must have been a woman, who wrote the article.

“Well” she began “I must admit I haven’t seen such a great work in a while”

You looked at her surprised. For a moment you felt dizzy and didn’t know whether it was because you were talking to your idol or because all the stress and uncertainty were finally gone.

“Thank you, Miss Winters” you managed to say

“Oh, you’re welcome, sweetheart. Please, come to my office in an hour. I’d like to talk to you some more and get a few things straight”

“Of course” you nodded still shocked

Lana smiled at you and was about to take her things and make her way to her own office, when your colleague - the one who had spoken before - started an argument.

“It can’t have been her. That must be a mistake”

Lana stopped in her tracks and took a deep breath - she was already done with him, but turned to face him once again.

“Why is that?” she asked

“Because…” he started, but couldn’t find the words

“Yes?” Lana crossed her arms on her chest

“Because she’s a woman!”

“So am I. Is that a problem for you?”

“I mean no… But you... you are Lana Winters and… and…” he kept stuttering

“Listen to me” Lana said sternly “There’s no place for sexism in my team. Everyone is equal regardless of their sex, race or whatever. If you want to be noticed you need to be good at your job. That's how it works here”

“You chose her because she’s a woman and as we all know you like girls” he complained

Lana inhaled sharply. Her hands clenched into fists, but she remained calm.

“I see, you don’t get it. Well, I think in this case we won’t be able to work together anymore” she said

“W-what?”

“Which part you don’t understand? Clean your desk and get out!” with that Lana disappeared leaving everyone speechless

You knew that everything was about to change. All you had to do was to wait one more hour.

#lana winters #lana winters x reader #sarah paulson #AHS #ahs imagine #ahs asylum

105 notes · View notes

theshortwavemystery · 4 years

Text

NOTES FROM WATCHING THE FIRST EPISODE OF “RIVERDALE”

1. Riverdale is a bizarre town that seems cut off from everywhere else, temporally straddled between an eternal 1950’s—more accurately a 1950’s stuck in an endless repetitive loop. But it takes place in the late 2010’s. Even so, the decor in the town is vintage, and the characters recognize this. The activities of the kids are vintage. the internet and cell phones exists, millennials are named, but it doesn’t seem to matter. something is very weird here, as if all these people are ghosts. all the stock scenarios and characters are here, which is to be expected for a teen drama, but there’s an exactness, a literalism, that is too perfect to be unintentional. 2. what is this world? it seems to be a staging of a certain inertia in american culture, which changes in superficial ways—technology, new TV shows, music new taboos—but all if this somehow serves to reinforce, or justify a return to the “leave it to beaver” universe. 3. any reminder that these are modern kids—their frequent references to contemporary TV shows like Mad Men for instance—only serve to increase the spooky vibe. everyone in this town seems to be low key crazy, making the show feel like twin peaks but written by what’s left of your local shopping mall. 4. the show’s script is constantly making fun of itself to the point that we seem directed by it to avoid taking the drama seriously—it is perhaps a smoke screen, like the haze of the presumably northwestern woods that seem to surround the town (it is filmed in Vancouver). the gay best friend is named as the gay best friend, establishing him as a living archaism—i felt bad for him after this. 5. plot points are shown to be cliche—the fake lesbian kiss, once scandalous in the 2000’s, is brushed off as false and an erasure of real lesbians. the script fools us, indicating it means to aim for more intelligent territory. and yet, veronica’s confrontation with cheryl, her tough girl speech, where she reveals her vulnerability as a rich girl fallen from grace but also stands up for betty—this goes without an ironic comment, even thought it is also a cliche, but a more contemporary oneq—the “mic drop” moment. so we see how the naming of particular cliches, employed ironically, serves to hide others the show is earnestly employing. 6. veronica says she needs to be redeemed for her father’s crimes, how is that fair. 7. archie’s desire to make music seems like a stand-in for a recognition that he’s gay. they cover this up by making his character straight but i don’t buy it. because his music itself clearly doesn’t matter. this is similar to the dead poets society where the kid kills himself obviously because he’s gay and he’s afraid his dad will disown him. why? nobody kills themselves merely because their dad shames them for doing theater. the reason is simple: theater is already such a humiliating and abject thing to love that you have to be totally shameless to even start doing it. once you become a theater kid your dad has lost you. in the second episode, the gay friend of betty reveals that he agrees with me here. 8. archie is the decentered center of the show, not a particularly interesting character so much as a holding container for female desire/fantasy. he’s dumb, cute boy who’s kind of artistic and kind of jockish, but the complex psychology belongs to betty, veronica, cheryl so far—all plotting, calculating characters, whereas archie just wants to enjoy himself and be liked—and to be fair, these shallow needs get him in plenty of trouble, but they’re simple needs. but this is always what archie was, even as a comic book character. he’s kicked around like a football like a more jocular charlie brown. 9. archie’s problem is identiied as the problem of "all millenial men", who need to be told what they want—but this is really everyone’s problem. what makes the girls/women different is that they don’t care that they don’t know what they want—they just act on feelings, and try to make the world match up with the feelings. archie thinks he ought to know what he wants, and then do it. but the women, whose desires as women are not even encouraged from day one, are free from this tedious problem. this is why archie is the one who has to be the moral authority regarding his mutual witness to the murder with the hot teacher, while the hot teacher is only afraid people will find out she fucked a student. veronica brushes off archie’s identity crisis as a false dilemma, critiqueing the categories of “jock” and “artist” and insisting he can be both, and anyway who gives a fuck? but this whimsy and indifference toward boundaries can get devious with veronica, who is betty’s friend one second and hooking up with archie the next. 10. although women are still often denied full subjectivity in literature, in real life it’s always been the opposite—men tend to forego personality development in favor of power or the illusion of power, and end up more shallow, rigid and fragile, more prone to the whims of their entourage. they never really have to become anything in particular--masculinity functions like a hive mind. if male relationships superficially appear to have less friction, it is only because men are brutally conformist and end up with little personal to argue about, usually coalescing around some common interest and not prone to discussing their respective inner lives--except, occasionally to defensively deny their existence. so-called "sensitive" men only do this in more devious ways--it's obvious that jughead is the most devious character we've met so far. women, in contrast, are each a hive mind unto themselves, compelled to construct an array of selves, carefully deploying them to get by in a world structured by the male gaze and booby-trapped by the machinations of other women. this complexity is of course terrifying to men who either submit to it as a fetish or suppress it— and one way of accomplishing that suppression in literature is to create stories where the men are supposedly complex and the women supposedly shallow and dependent wholly on men--the typical gaslight job of the mediocre male writer. this is clearly a show that, whatever its other blindnesses, is not going to let that happen. 11. we are told through veronica that archie is more dangerous than he looks. why doesn’t the show want us to figure this out ourselves? this feels ironic on the writers' parts, another winking use of cliche. 12. everyone’s problem is a cliche—archie’s father pressures him to do sports to get into college, he wants to do something else. betty’s mom is controlling and betty is a people pleaser who already in the first episode explodes about how perfect she has to be all the time and can’t she just do something for herself for once? 13. the music is annoying and cloying but it also grounds the contemporary nature of the show, because of its peculiar sense of melodrama, which is endemic to this time period, and the neoliberal overvaluing of the self. 14. the video on this show seems filtered into oblivion, or photoshopped or otherwise conspicuously treated. just like the self-awareness of the script, it contributes to the sense of unreality. 15. more self-aware cliches: archie and betty grew up next door to each other—they’re stuck in a feedback loop of being the ____ next door. cheryl describes herself as the queen on stage at the dance. 16. classic literature is referenced oddly—betty loves toni morrison, even though by the end of the episode, we have been introduced to zero black main characters. is this self-aware critique of white fetishization of blackness? and there's also thornton wilder’s “our town”… veronica suggests that the high school is part of the lost epilogue from “our town”—wilder also presented a transparently fake and timeless town to stage his existentialist story in, one in which horrifyingly, dead people remain in a liminal space between death and life, vainly trying to communicate with the living they can still see. 17. every celebrity/media reference is bizarre. a thin veneer draped over an unchanging reality. "Riverdale" seems not so much about the dark underbelly of suburbia, but about the idea of suburbia is the dark underbelly itself. a murder has to happen because someone has to bring death here, lest everyone become paralyzed by their immortality. 18. archie’s “making a deal” with the hot teacher is way more erotic than anything he’ll do with b or v… why is this happening at the Dance lol, unless we are to read it this way? they have shared the most precious thing in this town, death... why does archie love the teacher and toy with his peers? because they can't give him death. clearly archie is blackmailing the hot teacher into continuing the relationship, but he does so seemingly unaware of his own motives. he lives in the age of youtube tutorials, he doesn't need music instruction. and here is another paradox of the modern gender binary--men think they don't know what they want, but unconsciously they know what they want--they receive their instructions from the Borg Queen of masculinity and pursue it ruthlessly, whereas women end up thinking they know exactly what they want, but unconsciously they don't, because it's fractured amongst their afformentioned hive of selves. This is why both traditonally-socialized genders are completely right in saying the other is full of shit. 19. “we have no past” goes the song josie sings—and maybe this is america’s problem—the past is empty, the past of ordinary suburbia, interrupted only occasionally by wars perhaps but untouched by cultural progress—and because we have no past we can have no present, only an empty recycling of the same void, the same problems, the same catharses—new episodes of the same show. we live forever at the cost of never changing. is riverdale a socially critical prestige drama LARPing in the ironic costume of a CW teen soap??? 20. all the characters are trapped in a carnival haunted house ride. the theme: adolescence. 21. cheryl’s party—brett kavanaugh could have been at this party 22. jughead is the narrator, and i like the idea that this is all in jughead’s head, which is why it’s so unstuck in time aesthetically, so stylized and knowing. and it's no wonder he's the most popular character, because he represents the writers themselves, and fandom is to have an illusion of a privileged relationship not so much with the characters, but with the property's creators--and to be hyperinvested and, if necessary, hypercritical of their choices. 23. the gay hookup is interrupted by the presence of a corpse—a classic trope in teen horror but it’s interesting to see it with a gay pair. it’s as if in the clash between the perpetual 1950’s aura and the contemporary references and morality, a gruesome surplus appears, the specter of homophobia. which, incidentally is a corpse of a man guilty of a sexual act that is still considered taboo—incest. a corpse symbolizes the death of innocence for a hetero couple, but for a queer couple it can’t just be that—it also must evoke the threat of actual murder. which makes this a very different moment. 24. jughead says riverdale has changed—but it has only been revealed to be what it always was—"full of shadows and secrets", as jughead puts it. he must be putting us on—this place is way creepier than Sunnydale, and that place had actual demons… but this is often what a change amounts to—not the addition of a new trait, but the acceptance of one that was already there. 25. jason blossom is a ginger like archie and he therefore seems tied to archie in a unique way. he dies on july 4th, given some fuel to my reading as a show with something to say about america’s self-image. 26. all the parents are single parents or in strained, unhappy marriages in this town. this us realistic, but that should tip us off: what in the show has been realistic so far? debuting in january 2017, "Riverdale" seems retrospectively shaped by the trump era-a teen drama not about the undead, as buffy was, but a teen drama which is itself undead, fitting for a president who also wished to raise the dead, and also what had never lived. riverdale’s preservation of the old “great” america is superficial—indoors, a very contemporary isolation and alienation reign, in contrast even to the desperation of actual 50’s suburbia. 27. is everyone dead already in this show? is riverdale purgatory? is that what explains its being unstuck in time and drenched in fog? but i’ve been to small towns in the northwest that look like riverdale—nothing has been updated since 1954. in order to seem fake, riverdale has to be even faker that real life, even more uncanny—and that’s a tall order.

#riverdale

8 notes · View notes

angeledwings · 5 years

Text

ʟᴇᴛ ᴍᴇ ᴛᴀʟᴋ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ꜱʜɪᴘꜱ | @hartofbalamb //HMR I LOVE YOU TY. YOU ALREADY KNOW ME SO WELL asdfghjkl;♥♥♥

Send me a Ship and I’ll Break Them DOWN

How did they they meet?

Hoooboy this is gonna be kinda long.

So, I have this headcanon that Rinoa was looking everywhere for a Garden who would agree to offer their mercenaries in exchange for a low price---which is a very horrible exchange. And she knew that.

First. Rinoa went to Galbadia Garden; the snooty rich SeeDs with more experienced fighters. Their headmaster declined Rinoa’s offer---as expected, but that hardly unmotivated the determined resistance leader.

Next, she applied for help to Trabia Garden. The best they could do was offer some technicians and a trainee to ensure safety protocols and offer security. And while that was a kind offer, it wasn’t what Rinoa was looking for. Trabia declined Rinoa’s want for their experienced fighters but gave her a referral for Balamb and allowed her to board the train free of cost. (They were a bunch of nice people.)

The minute Rinoa arrives in Balamb, she’s met with the sight of a silver haired woman ruthlessly kicking the snot out of some poor helpless burly guy while another man in a white coat brandishing a sword laughed hysterically at the woman’s antics. Indeed, that was the posse we all know and Seifer loves.

Rinoa immediately assumes Balamb is an island full of delinquents with a bad reputation, but that doesn’t deter her from seeking out what she came there for.

However, before she was going to head down the road towards the Garden, she was going to stop the brutal beating by stepping between the woman and the cowering man, DEMANDING they stop. She didn’t mind a brawl if it meant fighting for what was right. And they were vehemently out of line.

This triggers Seifer, and he decides to introduce the fear of god into the small woman’s tiny form. He leers over her, using his tall stature to make her feel small, obsolete, weak. His piercing greens bore into her skull. And if looks could kill? She’d have died a thousand times.

Rinoa cared little for his approach. She was NOT afraid of him.

She stares back, eyes winced, brows furrowed, hands on her hips. She challenged him; a huge mistake no one DARED think about.

Still. He was not getting his way by trying to intimidate her.

They stay like this for a good five minutes. Seifer breaks, finding everything about her...amusing. different. hilarious. surreal. He smirks, then scoffs at this little spitfire and tells her to get out of his sight.

Fujin ceases her brutal beatings on Raijin and notices Seifer watching the blue clad woman with a wide eyed stare, and a psychotic curl of the lips.

He did not want their game to end. He wanted to make her suffer.

So he follows her...

Who developed romantic feelings first?

Seifer.

Rinoa was too involved with getting Independence for Timber that she didn’t have time for romantic feelings. Or so she thought. Yes. Seifer was cute. He smelled good. His voice was was like a melody to her ears, but it was normal to get infatuation. And Rinoa assumed it would pass. It obviously did not.

Seifer, however, developed feelings for her because she didn’t want him, and she never took his shit. He was a selfish asshole and always treated their meetings like a game. Until it wasn’t...

Something about how passionate Rinoa was about her cause woke something up inside of him. Her determination for what she wanted was inspiring. Just like a little boy he once knew from long long ago...

Rinoa’s feelings eventually grew the moment Seifer started talking to Rinoa about Forest Owls. He would show minor tender moments to show Rinoa that he sincerely wanted to help her. It meant a lot to her because of the lengths he went to make sure her dream would prosper. He didn’t care about Timber at all, though. He cared about Rinoa, and what she wanted. So, what was important to her, was important to him.

He promised her he’d become a SeeD, and offer himself in Garden’s stead. But not for free. She owed him a date, and she was already neck deep in a shit ton of debt---or so he claimed.

Rinoa loves Seifer, and still does to this day. Theres a connection she feels that cant be said with words. Its just there. And it always will be.

Who is their biggest “shipper?”

Raijin. Raijin likes Rinoa because she saved him from Fujin’s wrath more than once. THEREFORE. HE ENCOURAGED SEIFER TO CHASE HER. Lmao. But oh. Don’t tell Seifer what to do. xD

When did they have their first kiss and under what circumstances?

Very bad circumstances lol. Seifer is an asshat. We all know this. How he shows affection or interest is...unusual at best.

What he did was, he needled her over the smallest things, tried to convince her she was stupid, told her she was weak, and on one occasion prevented her from going anywhere by barring her path with his legs. He was sitting in a seat blocking the door, laid back, watching her freaking out to let her go. It was amusing. He LOVED playing with her.

During that moment of hysteria, he drops his feet, grabs her, and plants a good one on her. She answers with a big slap against his face and screaming about something or another. Yeah, yeah. He’s heard it all before sweetheart.

He laughs and simply says, “Wow, that actually hurt.” He bars her path again by slamming his hands on the wall behind her and whispers, “Do it again...”

Who confessed their feelings first?

Seifer. Though not in your usual way. I mean, of course right? He’s a pompous asshole. Confident as hell and really doesn’t care any other way. It was just.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m not concerned about what you’re saying, but I like your face.”

What was their first official date?

Uhhh. Rinoa is still in “debt”. Loooool.

How do they feel about double dates/group dates?

Rinoa thinks they’re adorable. Seifer thinks its tacky. And what if he got a boner? Its not for them. But. Oh well. they can look. He’s a pretty impressive guy and all. -rolls eyes-

What do they do in their down time?

I can imagine Rinoa likes to pamper herself with bubble bath, massages, facials, and taking naps with Angelo. She also likes to catch up with some of her friends with lunch or a little get together.

And I figure Seifer is doing something dangerous or completely stupid. You know. So he can come out in a blaze of glory.

What was the first meeting of parents as an official couple like?

Well. Being that Rinoa only knows Edea due to....reasons. She never got a proper introduction.

Seifer met Fury and he didn’t care to change his personality to look good in front of the General. And Rinoa LOVED THAT. Seifer wasn’t afraid to continue being himself even towards a man of “great importance”. Seifer was just Seifer.

Caraway HATES his guts.

What was their first fight over and how did they get past it?

Obviously over the stunts he does. He is reckless with how he approaches things and due to that, it could land the Forest Owls in hot water. Rinoa was PISSED with some of the things Seifer threw himself into for fear that he wouldn’t come out alive. She was constantly worried that he would die over just one mistake, and he NEVER took her worries into consideration.

He knows he’s hard to kill, and he always told her that. Why did she care so much, anyway?

Women. Right?

They never really got passed it. Just bored of it? It was the same argument over and over. Seifer was not going to change and Rinoa had to accept that. And she did, no matter how much it hurt.

Which one is more easily made jealous?

Uh. Both, honestly? Though I see Seifer much more inclined to turn the entire misunderstanding into a fiasco that would make you regret having known him. Like. Punching out a guy for having looked at his girl a certain way. Starting an argument with a guy at a checkout register for telling Rinoa to have a good day bc thats obv signs of flirting. (Yes, I am aware that is VERy toxic. Seifer is toxic.)

Rinoa is more reserved and wants to keep it between them. But she isn’t all innocent. If Seifer even so much as says “hey” in a certain way to another, Rinoa will do the same with a guy to make him jealous. Its just a cycle of ugliness lol.

What is their favourite thing to get to eat?

Who doesn’t like sushi, fam? ;D

Who’s the cuddly one? What their favourite cuddling position?

Rinoa obviously cuddles Seifer. She loves every snuggly position. Just as long as she’s near him she loves it.

Seifer prefers laying on his back with an arm around her.

Are they hand holders?

Rinoa certainly is. She wants to hold Seifer’s hand all the time.

Seifer thinks its pathetic and embarrassing as fuck. Buutttt. He’ll give Rinoa this ONE exception.

How long do they wait before sleeping together for the first time? What’s the circumstances?

They should have waited longer buuuut, about 5 months since they met.

Circumstance? They were horny? asdfjgdflks;

Who tops?

Seifer. He has more experience.

It took Rinoa a little while to really learn about her body and what it liked. She can top when given the opportunity.

What’s the worst first they’ve ever gotten into?

I’d say, their first kiss was the worst fist of the century. xD Pretty sure the people of FFVIII heard Hyne crying.

Who does the shopping and the cooking?

Both. Rinoa LOVES Seifer’s cooking. Rinoa is also skilled with culinary arts. And she also does the shopping since Seifer gets irritated and loses his patience.

Which one is more organized and prone to tidiness?

Seifer is really organized for being a scatter brained asshole. Rinoa is the tired little poof. She loves her naps. <3

Who proposes?

Unfortunately....we all know how this panned out. :’(

Do they have joined Bachelor/Bacheloette parties or separate?

Who is the best man/maid of honour? Any other groomsmen or bridesmaids?

Big Ceremony or Small?

Do they have a honeymoon? If so, where?

Do they have children? How many?

#‘Yᴏᴜ ᴀʀᴇ ᴍʏ ᴅʀᴇᴀᴍ.’﹣ [ Sᴇɪғᴇʀ x Rɪɴᴏᴀ ]#NSFW-ish #long post #//put it under a read more bc it got long lol #☞ ᴛᴜᴛᴏʀɪᴀʟ - [ ʜᴇᴀᴅᴄᴀɴᴏɴꜱ ]#HC

1 note · View note

tempestshakes01 · 5 years

Text

happy and anxious.

happy because i love my apartment and i love Lil Cup of Joe. he is a terror and the sweetest boy ever, and i feel so much love for him. this is why i can’t be around an animal for an extended period of time. i will die for any creature i get attached to and lil joe is now my baby.

but i am anxious because i put of working when my brother brought home a puppy. he didn’t ask me to, but he’s an idiot who’s never home and bought a puppy to make him come home. i gave him 3 days and when his habits didn’t change, joe was being left alone and untrained, and i needed a running buddy--well, i took over. joe’s now potty-trained and knows a few (one) command. i take him everywhere to socialize him. he’s mine. but i’ll never say that to nick. who still needs to go therapy. i don’t know him. i don’t know what goes on in that head of his. it’s like we switched personalities in our 20s. i went from the quiet, serious type to basically a manic 13 yr old boy. he went from a wildly charismatic clown to a brooding hipster. what makes him laugh? what is he thinking? what is he passionate about? how does he talk to other ppl for hours but he can barely speak to his family for more than half of one? what did we do?

i got really angry the other night thinking about the fights i’ve had with my parents this past year.

1) washington d.c. - mom and i got into to it in front of the fuckin white house at dusk. i was so emotional and upset at being there, right there where trump fucks over our country, and my mom was being...well, the woman fox news molded. i was furious and trying to keep it nice, so i asked if we could just stop. stop talking. i was gonna blow up. and my mom was like, “why do we stop when you say stop, but when i ask to stop, you continue?” which...is it true? i didn’t think so, and because i can’t keep my mouth shut, i argued until i walked away. i walked into the crowds and then i kept walking. i kept walking. i kept walking.

it was terrible. i texted her “i’m gone” and i left.

i forgot the details but i wandered that area of d.c. got a coffee. tried not to cry. and then...remembered how much trouble my mom’s phone was giving her, that her gps apps weren’t being accurate, that she wasn’t confident at the metro, and that it was now dark. that she was alone in an unfamiliar city with a camera bag strapped to her screaming “i’m a tourist!”

i felt like utter and complete shit. it was one of the most despicable things i’ve ever done. later, i told some people and they were like “she’s a grown woman! you were both upset!” but no. i can’t make excuses like that. i knew that my mom was scared. i burst into tears. a crazy sobbing girl in the middle of d.c. i immediately texted her and told her to get back to me when she got to the hotel.

an hour later, back at the hotel, my mom couldn’t even look at me. couldn’t speak to me. i knew i had to apologize and i did, wording it carefully because i walking on a minefield. i again blocked out most of the conversation, but it quickly dissolved into a mess of confessions. i was wrecked. at first because of what happened, but as our conversation turned into an argument, i became furious again. over how she interpreted some of our interactions. over how i “blamed” her for my anxiety and anger. i told her i got my anger from her. that i was slow to it like my father, but when something lit inside me it burned bright and hot and deadly like her. that her grudges and cold shoulders hurt me so, so badly when i was a kid (which she then explained wasn’t a grudge, just her processing her anger...but that was way, way into the night). oh god, it was so bad. so bad. she confessed how she felt about all us kids. told me about her problems with andi and nick. told me she wanted to move away from us. told me she didn’t want a relationship with me or them if it was going to be like this.

i didn’t sleep. just cried and cried. like i did when i was a kid. sobbed in the bathroom and then under my covers. we barely talked the next day, but it slowly became okay. i didn’t know how to explain how much i loved her, so i tried to show her.

in the end, we were ok enough.

2) driving 30 hrs across the country - my dad and i were talking and he told me how he didn’t get us, and that we were hurting mom by rejecting her or something. he was upset and my dad doesn’t get upset, so i got upset and moody. and he was like “why are you like this? just with me? just with us. you’re so cruel.” and i knew it was true but it still took me an hour to snap out of it. and i apologized.

but i feel sometimes angry bc i got the emo dump from both my parents. about both my siblings! and they don’t even talk to them about it! my parents don’t even touch nick anymore! they leave him alone because it’s easier that way and he wouldn’t listen even if they tried to talk to him! and my sister would get super huffy and feel judged and act out in some way and take the kids! so. i get it but i hate it!!! because i got the feelings dump! i got the tears and the hours of psychoanalyzing why we are the way we are! and i hate that i feel burdened by it sometimes?

i want to be there for my parents but sometimes i’m that petulant child that still wants a mommy and daddy, not two parents who are human and exist with their own emotional life. and that’s so unfair to them and wrong of me, but i feel that way because i’m the child that gets this brunt of this side of them.

but it’s because in my own way im the most difficult and this shit spills out when i push them.

my parents (mostly mom) are only getting more set in their ways and defensive of their opinions. my mom...my mom who taught me so much about art and the world and appreciating different cultures and music and lived life with such vigor and wonder...i can see that fading and hardening. she’s stubborn about what she like and doesn’t have much interest in anything new. she’s offended and hurt when i gently bring up her how she used to be.

my dad’s always been this way. very traditional, but kind. spoiled, but hardworking. likes what he likes. but he’s eating more greens. he’ll try what i make because i made it. we listened to latino usa and old radio lab podcasts that whole drive from wa to tx, and he loved it, and we discussed the episodes. and i loved him so much because he gave them a shot and we connected.

but my mom. my mom. i miss her and she’s right there, but she’s not. and i know i’m part of the reason she’s retreated into herself and her more ‘sturdy’ beliefs and the friends who share them. she’s so quick to judge and harsh about it these days. is it age? is it us? is it this horrible world?

i came home to this. i came home and how quickly people change bc i didn’t expect my mom to be so old. in spirit. she’s tired. she doesn’t trust me. we’re working on being gentle. i’m working on not being so quick to anger.

my dad and i...i’m thrilled we’re getting along so well after i treated him like shit during the ~separation years~ between my parents. i was awful to him and he knew why, but he never called me out on it.

my sis and i are fine. i’m so relieved she got out of that last relationship with that TERRIBLE PERSON and came to her senses, and somewhat grew up. we kick it. she cooks for me. we don’t completely jive cause she’s hood, but can code-switch between worlds, and i’m suburban through and through, so i’m not as cool or smooth as she is. i’m her dorky weird little sister and i appreciate her love for me.

my brother? a mystery. a complete mystery.

and i’m reminded of how he called me on my birthday and started weeping and asking about therapy and saying he’s sorry he never believed in my anxiety because it’s true--you don’t ask for, you don’t know why it appears, and it wrecks you. and he deals with it now for no discernible reason and he sounded so, so broken over the phone that i was shaking and crying when we hung up.

but now he’s as chill as ever and takes minimal care of his puppy because the 1st dog he got was pretty hands-off from the jump, but she was grown and pooed and peeded everywhere for months (he says no, but that’s selective memory), so now lil joe is mine and i need to get a job because the lack of structure is killlllllllllllllingggggg me. but i don’t want to leave lil joe :(

it’s funny how i never set out to write all this shit, but it comes spilling out.

huh. wait.

i left and i worked on myself but then i missed my family.

did i come back to work on the family? to work on my relationship with them? is that my purpose here and why i felt compelled to return?

went climbing with GA. i was totally afraid of falling and bouldering isn’t as fun to me as top rope, but i wanna keep at it.

trying to set something up with B and A. my buds. i love em.

gotta set something up with L because I have a feeling we’ll be good friends here. and weirdly, BG contacted me even though I haven’t talked to him since college? and even then we weren’t that close. he was just inching toward asking me out and never managed it.

fav emmy looks: zendaya (obviously. omg, whatta babe), maisie williams (whatta look, suits her perfectly, killed it), gwen christie (whatta jesus babe), that girl in the billowing mint green dress, anddddd clea duvall (a babe in a tux).

vm continue to make me sad and hopefully things go well with tour for them. it’s nice to see them getting along with charlie and tanith. with bby charlie and tati and max’s kid coming along...oh boy for scott’s emotions. he’s gonna ignore the HELL out of those sad feeling for what couldvebeen with tess and he’s gonna plan hard for his and j’s future offspring instead. (can i also predict that i think one thing scott’s gonna have trouble with in his marriage--oddly enough--is keeping the marriage a partnership and not bulldozing over his spouse with his wants and needs ...wait, that’s not odd lol)

anyway, gotta take joe out to pee. gotta get to bed soon because i wanna be on the trails by 7am and then maybe to the climbing gym. this face maybe a potato but my body can improve! (i’m thicc at the moment thanks to texas food 🤧)

#miranda this is your life

1 note · View note

hellotvv · 7 years

Text

Small Realizations

I guess I just wanted to get these thoughts out somewhere to maybe look back one day.

When I become a parent (or if I do), hopefully I learn from some mistakes my parents made. My parents are good people, they genuinely love me, and they definitely provided for me. I can’t truly complain that much, since I know other people had it much worst. But my parents are human and they tbh have made some mistakes with me. OBVIOUSLY I am my own person, and I can always ‘fix’ these mistakes they made, but I feel like how a person is raised has a huge impact on their life lol. It shapes their world around them, what they believe in, what they value, what they like/dislike, and etc. I’m definitely not saying my parents are bad parents, I’m just saying that they’re human. We all make mistakes, have moments of anger, sadness, happiness, etc. Also, it’s genuinely hard raising a kid. Kids are tough, they’re their own person at the end of the day, they might not listen to you, each need to be taught differently, and etc etc etc.

But somethings I promise myself that I would do differently than my parents: I would never hit my kid. Honestly I disliked being hit so much as a kid, and I personally idk would never hit my kid. I’d ground them, scold them, etc all before hitting them. I could see maybe just MAYBE spanking them at a LAST CASE scenario. But I don’t think it should be the first or even second option when it comes to punishment. I personally (I’m not saying spanking is bad/good) just would not do it myself.

I think it’s good to be able to be friends with your kids. You’re more likely to actually know who they are as a person. I have some friends who could tell their parents anything and are good friends with them. Honestly I love my parents, but I can’t say their my friends. It’s just they valued respect (which I understand), being in idk a high superior position (I called them guys once, just as a short way to refer to both of them and I got heavily scolded and yelled at, saying they’re not my friends/etc can’t address them that way), and I’d like it if my kids can genuinely talk to me about their faults/mistakes/problems. I was so scared of failure or telling my problems to my parents, since I KNEW I’d get punished/hit/etc. Like I legit feel bad about this, but if I ever got into trouble at school or struggled, I hated to even tell them. Since they’d criticize me/etc/etc. When all I would like is maybe a gentle conversation where they just go, well we could do x and x to help you fix your problem. Like if I do bad in math, I got scolded, blah blah blah, then eventually I get my tutor to help me succeed. But I wish I was able to just talk to them about my idk problems without getting in trouble. I legit got in trouble for the most ridiculous things that I don’t even wanna write about them.

A huge thing that deserves it’s own paragraph is something I realized as I got older. I’m decently well off, and I came to realize that fk money. I don’t disagree that money can bring happiness, I think it could (at least temporarily). I don’t disagree that money would help someone’s standard of living, possibly have less stress, and etc. But fk, I never want to raise a kid where I make them think money is everything or it’s important to be rich or wealthy. I think my parents did a lot of thing well in raising me (besides uh spoiling me/other stuff I listed above), and this is a big stereotype but I think some white ppl parenting methods are pretty smart. I think it’s important to just let the kid do what they want (in terms of career choices) and just let them be happy with whatever they pick. Since, it’s their life at the end of the day. I am NOT saying that a parent shouldn’t try to inspire kids to dream big or to push them to succeed/have high aspirations. I wanted to be a doctor for the longest time tbh. Even up to 2nd year in college and somewhat 3rd year, I really wanted to be a doctor. But did I really want to be a doctor, since I LOVED to help people? Since I saw myself slaving the next 8 years of my life at school, studying, cram studying till early mornings, possibly making tons of sacrifices, and etc just to become a doctor? Honestly no, but I was stubborn and kind of willing to do it for the $$$. The reason why is, my parents genuinely wanted me to be wealthy (understandable), being a doctor has prestige/they can flex/I can flex, and yeah. I realized far too late that my motives were retarded. I’ve obviously read that someone won’t succeed at becoming a doctor unless they’re truly passionate about it or motivated. I’m genuinely not, and it took me far too long to realize that. I really wouldn’t be happy being a doctor. I talk about career passion and hobby passion, how they can be separate, and etc. But honestly giving up that many years + god knows how many sacrifices (relationships, friendships, sleep, stress, mental/physical health in general, etc) of my life to school/late shifts just for some $$$, I would genuinely question if I really made this 1 life of mine in this world amazing. I guess around this point in my life, I realize that yes, I enjoy money. Would it be nice to have money? Yeah, ofc. But I realized that I could be genuinely happy with less. Hypothetically, if I had only a decent 1 bedroom apartment (like I do rn), have a good relationship with a sweet SO, enough money to go on vacations now and then, treat myself to nice food here, and hang out with friends on the weekend with a stable job. I think I could genuinely be really happy. I don’t think I need a mansion, a huge house, lavish furniture, or whatever the fk I would do with the money. The most I could see myself using a bunch of $$$ is on dumb material things. Yeah, I loved fashion, but honestly I don’t need a wardrobe full of Saint Laurent. I bought my grailed Robert Geller sweater, and I legit wore it once (partially since it was summer) and I was happy for like 2 minutes TOPS after I got it. Idk, I hope I find a SO with a similar view. Being in a social media position where I meet a lot of models nowadays, shot with an actress recently, popular IGers too, and etc. Holy fk, I grew to hate gold diggers, juice diggers, and people who only give a fk about being popular. Yes, it’s nice having followers and etc, but ppl who make it their lives geez... I’m not saying I would hate being wealthy, but I just realize that I don’t need it. My parents still want me to do something in the medical field/etc, but fk man... I kind of just want a stable job that pays alright, and I’ll be really happy. If it’s enough $$ to pay bills, get me my own place, able to afford a cute dog, some spending $$ to hang out with friends on weekends, and occasional vacation on holidays then I’m truly content/happy. Maybe some people aspire more, which is perfectly fine. I would too (after I at least have what I just asked for). But idk I just realized that’s all I really need nowadays. But back to the whole parenting thing. I don’t want to push my kids towards any jobs just for the sake of money. I’d aspire them to dream big ofc, but at the end of the day, I just want them to be happy. I shadowed a doctor last year, and he after making huge sacrifices with his wife for his monetary success, doesn’t even want his kid to be a doctor (unless he for some reason wants to). His kid might major in psych and be clueless about what he wants to do (according to the doctor), but he just wants his son to be happy. Honestly I think that’s what I would want to (maybe not the clueless part). If my kid has good aspirations, doesn’t want to be some degen and not work, is honest/kid, then who the fk cares what career my kid chooses. If he/she wants to become a doctor, cool. If she wants to be an artist, I’d support that. If she wants to be idk an actress, go for it. A teacher? Sure, go for it. Idk, I just know that I would be a lot happier right now, if I didn’t waste so much time wanting/chasing after a career path that I ultimately would not be happy doing.

It’s at least good I realized now before med school or something, since then it might genuinely be too late. I do truly respect doctors after knowing how hard it is to become one. I can’t imagine idk what sacrifices I might have to make in the future to become one. Since while I’m young, I really just want to be able to travel the world, live a life with minimal stress for a while, hang out with friends, spend time with a SO, and etc. If I was in med school/doing residency training/etc, I’m sure you can live a decently balanced life. But it would be hard to find time to vacation, spend time with a SO when studying for INCREDIBLY hard med school exams that determines how good of a job you’ll get as a doctor, spending time with friends/family when studying most of your days away, and so much more.

While I’m still young. I do want to go to concerts and shows with friends. I want to travel to places and enjoy them. I want to be a degen lol for a bit and be as carefree as long as I could. I don’t see myself happy slaving away the next years of my life in school/studying/etc. I could be stubborn, push myself, and etc but at what cost tho? Idk, you really do only live once. I’ve spent honestly my whole life always wanting to be older, thinking it’ll be better. Like omg how cool would hs be, how cool would it be to have a car and drive, going to college, being 21, and etc. I’m finally at a point in my life, where I’m content and don’t necessarily want to get any older haha. I am tired of always chasing a brighter future. If I was in med school, I’d be chasing the future where I’m finally an intern at a hospital, then I’d be chasing finally finishing residency, I’d then chase idk finishing specialized training, then before I know it I’m 30+ years old, and been constantly chasing the future my entire youth. Fk that. This girl I have a date with next week wrote this, “I was so scared not being able to do everything I want in my life that I couldn't be happy about the current achievements I was making. (Like getting yoga certified) I'm taking a break from hobbies and life goals/dreams to train my mind to be content with where I am in the PRESENT. Funny how life goals, as motivating as they are, can make you discontent with who you are. One step at a time” on her recent ig post. I realized that’s so true. I’m so scared of not achieving being a doctor, letting my parents down, not being wealthy, etc etc. I always want to be this amazing perfect dude, no flaws/imperfection, and was never happy with success. Any success I’ve had, Idk if I really took the time to appreciate it THAT much (i obv appreciated to an extent), and I was always focused on these life goals/dreams of mind like being a doctor. I always chased the future, and never just lived in the present. I do want to be a better me, I will always strive to be a better version of me, but all these goals sometimes can make me discontent with who I am. Like fk, I am not insanely ripped/fit, so I’m unhappy with myself. I’m not a successful wealthy boy at just 21, so I’m not happy with myself. I’m not a doctor blah blah, and when I think about how I haven’t achieved certain goals, I’d just feel sad. What’s the point in being sad about what I don’t have? I have goals, but I can’t endlessly chase after them/endlessly chase after the future.

My plans to make the present better and be more present: don’t stress about what might happen ALL the time. If things doesn’t work out, it doesn’t (kind of thinking about uh my upcoming date primarily when writing this). It’s okay if you’re not where you want, as long as you’re at least trying, then it’s okay. Don’t constantly think about the future, just take things one day at a time. You’ll be a lot happier, more productive, and more likely to have a beautiful future too. Just fking live your life Theo. Go work out, go hang out with friends, go to those concerts/clubs, go and spend time on your hobbies (who gives a fk if you’re not good, just do it for fun and for yourself), don’t go wild and not give a fk about responsibilities/school work, but I can’t live my life/plan my career for other ppl, and just do whatever I love. I don’t really believe in reincarnation or anything, so this is my one and only life. Why the fk waste time thinking about the future all the time, stressing about ‘succeeding’, and why not just make sure that I’m happy. If I have family, friends, and wonderful memories, then I think I’d be happy with the time I spent in this world. :)

0 notes

abs0luteb4stard · 7 years

Text

SOCIAL MEDIA: It shows nothing is changed from High School and "anti-bullying campaigns" haven't changed anything. HUMANS ARE BULLIES.

I saw picture of a ph otoshopped humorous type thing and showed it was fake with the Original. I could tell it was fake 100%.

I was sarcastic about it, and not picking anyone out to criticize. I just said it wasn’t funny, because it would have been funny if someone defaced this billboard advertisement for real. Instead of just manipulating the picture.

People take too many intimations from my wording or text or turn of phrase and thing I’m being “bitter and sad and stupid loser”, and “pointing out the obvious”, or that “I’m taking it hard likke a dick”.

Sadly it’s a 3 people with like crossed M-16s and like skulls with the U.S. flag on them Trump-lovers, and things like that. And two “I’m with Hillary” guys… All men. obviously. Not that women can’t be internet pricks and assholes as well, but it’s more of a guy thing. Posturing. Dick measuring. Etc. But at least their bi-partisanly against me. That’s something that both sides can agree on. I guess. And because my name is not the typical “John Anderson” I feel they’re singling me out. Because of xenophobia. And I know if I start with you’re being xenophobic and call them out on it, it become like they’re gonna tell me a “you’re using the race card” type reply.

It kind of transported me back to school when 9/11 happened and I was singled out for a while because of my name and my appearance.

This is really what’s become of the world in the last decade or whatever…

I mean I remember that at school the day of 9/11, much of the middle eastern kids were picked up and stayed home because of fear of reprisals against them. Here I was told “guess what? We’re bombing your country.” And “I said what country, America?” They said “no, wherever you’re from” And I said “I was born here” At this point there 5 people crowded around me. Intimidating guys girls everyone. And I’d already been bullied for several years and I didn’t know what was gonna happen.

So they said, “well, where your parents are from then”

I said, “well, my dad is from Hungary” And they said “that’s probably the place” And I said “it’s in central Europe, part of the United nations and stuff, not the middle east, and he’s been a US citizen since the 70s” And then they said “your mom’s country, then” I said she’s american.“ And they just confusingly replied with “oh…” And then they split off, whether they believed me or whatever, they left.

And the kid who started that whole conversation is now a police officer! Let’s just say I’m not very confident in his ability to do his job unbiased to people who outwardly may seem different.

Of course I had underclassmen call me “sand-monkey” and “sandnigger” after 9/11.

I even had a teacher punish me for calling a girl “Dominic” who’s actual name wasDominique, who called me “Sandmonkey” and “sandnigger”. Later found out the teacher’s brother was in Iraq, so she allowed her bias to treat me differently and wrong.

And I had a few “bulah bulah” shouts in my direction. Mimicking Arabic.

So I, a white European first generation American, understands islamophobia, and xenophobia first hand. So I really feel like it’s returned to those days gone by in school. I see it. I grew a beard, because I like it, it’s in-style these days, but people hear me talking to my dad in our language and people stare from around corners in stores, or assume things about me.

And the internet is no different. It’s bad enough when people don’t quite get your point, or they think you’re angry or bitter from your text, but they’re applying their own internal monologue of you’re voice to what they imagine you’re inflections might be. Whether it’s because I am not clear enough or it’s their assumptions. They are quick to attack without much context.

Just last week a reblogged a picture of Sean Spicer in a medical boot, and said it was not 2 different colored shoes, but in fact a medical boot for bunions or something. Now somebody reblogged that saying well “why didn’t Sean Spicer ask for 2 medical boots so they would look even” have you ever seen that happen in real life? Nobody does that. Which I said also.

Now I wasn’t criticizing them or really referecimg them, simply their reply. just saying that you don’t get 2 medical boots unless both your feet are in need for them. Most people have one shoe and one boot. If you get a cast o your arm you don’t get one for the other side to even it up.

But I got 10 messages from people saying “I’m defending Sean Spicer” calling me “Alt-right trash” and on and on. First, I wasn’t defending him. I was defending facts. It was not 2 different color shoes! Lol I hate Sean Spicer, he’s a dunce. And I said that in my re-reblog of that post. But these people decided to have selective memory and think I’m bedfellows with Spicer, Trump and that Nazi guy who got punched in the face.

I thought Liberal people were supposed to be understanding and accepting and most of intellectuals. Critical thinkers. Those liberal anons and other messagers, can go get fucked by Trump for all I care. I hope he ruins their lives. Fuck them.

And for all the right wingers who sent messages “lib-fag” and “LibTard” and telling me theyre hlad my friend who’s trans is dead and all that nonsense, I hope Trump fucks you over too. I hope a hundred hippie liberals punch you in the face.

Which is why I’m not anything. And I’m proudly stand by that. I’m not Liberal or Conservative, I’m not with the 2 parties, I’m definitely not some Alt-right loser fucking asshole.

I’m myself. I’m and independent contractor unto myself. I do what’s best for me.

I’ll reiterate: “I DON’T CHOOSE SIDES. I MAKE MY OWN.” and just because my view points lean left of center, doesn’t make me on their side. The internet is one long argument that blends together and bleeds into the other. Where everyone decides they want to win. I’m not trying to win unless there’s a prize. And it wouldn’t be “arguing”. So again for the 3rd time this month. I’m not a fucking right winger. I’m not a left winger. I you have me wrong right out of the gate. And I don’t give a fuck about you, stranger. Unless I know you or you come stone being civil and kind. Or I Shared some conversation with you, or made social handshakes with you and were pen pals. If your an anon spewing your polarized ideals rhetoric and conservative or liberal pejorative at me, making assumptions about me. And are generally a finger pointer. You can fuck right the fuck off. You’re just a cog in someone else’s bullshit faction.

“All I ever wanted was for the world to be free of your kind, whether you were here in Parliament on in Senate or Junta or Hell or Heaven. Maybe that’s pointless, then. Maybe the people are too small and scared to be free. Maybe they want you there, shitting all over them. But like a salesman who’s only too eager to sew up his market and stitch up his customers, you’re happy enough to exploit that. Aw, sod it. Sod you. For whatever it’s worth, you were always the enemy. So you can listen to what I have to say. I’m not ashamed.”

— "Dangerous Habits, Part 4: My Way by Garth Ennis”

#my thoughts #anxiety #society #humans #xenophobia #sadness #depression

0 notes