#i gotta post my pictures more often but i keep forgetting to actually. Be Online jhdkh

[infinitystation]

Saw some beetles!

potato beetle.......... i've never seen that first guy, looks like a june bug but it has stripes :0

i've been chasing a tiger beetle around for a week now trying to get a good picture of it, this is my best one so far

[flooffybits]

The Time She Professed Her Love

Idol: Park Chaeyoung (Blackpink)

Author’s note: here we go. Don’t forget to tell me what you all think, that would really help

Being an idol, Chaeyoung knew that there were things she couldn’t say out loud. Her privacy was the most she’s valued ever since she debuted in Blackpink. As a trainee, she had to keep a lot of things to herself, remembering that the people around her were no longer her friends, but strangers.

Thankfully, though, she was able to befriend some of the other trainees, and when she was introduced to Jennie, she was more than relieved to find out that she wasn’t the only foreigner there. And when Lisa came along, they welcomed her with open arms and taught her better with speaking the language when they found out that she was struggling with it.

Finding out that they would debut was another story. YG had promised that nine girls would be debuting under the name of Pink Punk, but was eventually pushed back for a few more years, forcing most of the girls to give up due to personal matters, or simply because they had lost hope with waiting.

When she, Jennie, Lisa, and Jisoo were told that they would be debuting, they weren’t sure if it was another empty promise until their pictures and videos were finally being posted online and their names spread like wildfire.

Chaeyoung couldn’t believe that it was actually happening that she had to take a minute to absorb everything. Lisa was full of energy when they began to practice their debut song, Jennie was focused, determined to make this debut as successful as possible, while Jisoo did the same and looked after the three at the same time.

And while Chaeyoung was very open to her members, she often opened herself to you much more than anyone she's ever met.

You've been her friend and supporter ever since her father decided to let her audition for YG. And when you were able, you planned on flying out to see her, and maybe even move to South Korea when you're finally out of college, just so you could see your friend again.

After their debut stage, Chaeyoung was already on the phone, tears in her eyes as your face popped up with a large grin plastered on it. Pride was swelling in your chest when you showered her with praises. You were unbelievably happy for her and you made sure to show her that she did extremely well that it made her cry even more because you aren't there for her to hug.

“Hey, you did great. Stop crying!” You had teased, not wanting to reveal the fact that you were about to cry as well, just by looking at her and she covered her mouth with her hand, a whine passing her lips as she tried to stop her tears. “I can’t help it. I’ve been thinking about this moment for years, but now that it’s happening, you aren’t here.” She reasoned and you felt a pang in your chest.

A stubborn tear managed to slip from your eyes but you quickly wiped it away while showing her a soft smile. “I’m sorry, Chae. I wish I could be there, right now. I swear, but things are a little tight.” You explained and she shook her head, not wanting to make you feel guilty for your absence. “No, it’s okay. I understand.” She wiped her tears away with her sleeves and she just looked adorable, overall.

“Rosie! Come on, we gotta go!” One of her members called out and she looked at you, an apology already at the tip of her tongue, but you shake your head. “Go have fun. It’ll be okay.”

After a few more minutes, she finally allows herself to say goodbye and hang up despite not wanting to, but she ended it with a smile, feeling much lighter after that talk.

..

It was Blackpink’s first variety show on Weekly Idol, and Chaeyoung was slowly adjusting to the life of an idol, people calling her name wherever she went and having guards flocking around her just so no one could potentially hurt her or any of the girls.

The rules were strict, but she understood why they were placed for them. But since she had only just began her journey, going home wasn’t exactly an option at the moment.

“Rosé, you played the guitar, right?” The mc asked her and she nodded her head. “I used to play it a lot, back home and I would just jam out with my best friend.” She admitted and the girls nodded, knowing the stories the girl has told them.

The man smiled before he gestured for a guitar from the staff. “How about you play something for us and just go down memory lane?” The other mc suggested as she took the instrument and smiled, letting her fingers run over the smooth surface before she placed her fingers against the strings of the guitar.

She had thought back on the times you spent in each other’s houses and she would play a random song before you’re jumping in to start singing with her. Though you were usually shy to do so, with her, you weren’t as scared and she always felt so flattered that you would let her see a different side of you every time.

So, with you in mind, she started singing the first song that popped into her head, which was Not for Long.

Her feelings have always been there, but with everything that happened in her life, she had to keep those feelings under lock and key. And even if she were to tell you, she was an idol now and dating another girl was something she couldn’t do unless she wanted her career to plummet before it even starts. Add that she was also under a dating ban just so she could focus on her group.

She remembers the times you came to her after the disappointment of a boyfriend you had and eventually broke up with him. She would console you, telling you that you could always find someone better, and thinking to herself that she could be better.

Chaeyoung was hopelessly in love and it was so hard for her that she couldn’t just come out and tell you. She’s compared herself to the people you’ve been with, and she knows that she’s better; more romantic and more deserving.

Because no one could take care of you and your heart like she could.

But she’s determined, that one day she would get you, or at least try. Because if you didn’t like her the way she did, then she would be okay. At least she was finally honest with you.

When the song ends, she flashes a sweet smile, hoping that maybe you could see her as she sings the song for you, silently telling everyone the secret in her heart without directly telling them, but Jennie smiles at her, knowing full well what she did, and smiled.

Wrapping up the show, the girls bid the hosts and staffs goodbye and then head back to the dorm.

“That was really nice, Rosie.” Jennie tells her and the younger girl blushed as she covered her face. “I hope she likes it.” She murmured, and the rapper patted her arm while sporting her usual gummy smile. “I’m sure she’ll love it.”

And Chaeyoung wishes that somewhere out there, wherever you are, that her heart has reached you, even when you were miles and miles apart.

[moonlitmessages]

Reasons I think Saeyoung has ADHD

- Messy house. Hard to keep it clean. Everything just kinda piles up and he relies on Vanderwood to not live in a pig sty.

- He says early in his route (day five first story mode I think. When Vanderwood is first introduced) he says that Dr. Pepper helps him focus. He drinks it and gets super focused, but then the mess piles up even more because of the soda cans.

- Super smart, especially about very specific niches. I mean he's smart in general but also has his Thing™ (this can be applied to both ADHD and the autistic spectrum. )

- Insomnia. This is part of his work obviously as well but he's clear about the fact that his sleep schedule is hecking out of whack.

- Can't focus?? Let's do everything besides the thing we need to do. Even though it will do nothing to help the situation at hand.

- Cars. Going nyoom down the road could help with stimulation and sensory issues that come with ADHD. Something about the speed just makes it make sense.

- Hyperfocus. "Don't bother me I'm trying to work". Being so focused on work that he doesn't take the time to really even order a hot meal. Forgets to eat and sleep sometimes because of it. (a lot of instances it's simply that he CAN'T or he won't meet deadlines too so that also has to be kept in mind). Building robots out of thin air too is an example.

- Inattentive. When not super focused its almost like a disinterest in anything. His focus is on MC? Well gotta do something for MC. She'll like a flamethrower pup. That will keep her safe. Wait no it wont...I thought it would tho. Gotta work!! No but MC isn't safe. (Inattentive to his work cause super focused on MC)

Symptoms of ADHD include:

Disorganization 

     - This goes along with the messy house. There’s a picture where he’s shown surrounded by chip crumbs. Vanderwood claims that his couch smells like soda. There are likely aspects in which he can actually be quite organized, but those would likely be in reference to his job, and computer/automotive repair.

Lack of focus 

    - This happens a little bit through different routes, where he complains about not being able to focus and doing some procrastinating, but for the most part the biggest example is the very beginning of his route where his focus is faltered because his mind is on MC. While that is a normal reaction to have for anyone regarding what was going on, it can’t be ignored that 1.) He WAS unfocused to the point he couldn’t do anything besides worry, or work on things that ‘Could help protect MC” regardless of if they were useful or not. and 2.) Dr. Pepper is part of the reason he is able to focus on things when he DOES focus. He says this himself in the first story-mode for his route. That he drinks it, then gets super focused. Caffeine has been proven to actually help the ADHD brain focus.

Act or speak without thinking 

    - “Im leaving the RFA”, breaking the RoboCat, and some of his procrastinating during his route could be considered put into this category. Also, I know he is by all technicalities saying things with thought in regard to MC when he’s saying hurtful stuff, however I still think it could be put in here because while it was said with the thought “I want to make sure MC stays away from me so she will be safe,” it’s without thinking about how he feels/what he wants and he ends up regretting it down the road.

Restlessness 

    - Lets see, he has trouble focusing and when he can’t focus he ends up doing other stuff to keep his hands and mind busy. He has sleep troubles. I doubt he can sit still very easily if he isn’t super-focused on something life-or-death and/or a special interest. A good example could once again be the robo-animals he built. His focus was somewhere else, there’s little he can do to remedy the situation, he gets restless and tries to occupy himself with something he CAN focus on.

Difficulty coping with stress 

    - Source: His Whole Route

Mood Swings 

    - What I’m seeing as mood swings could also just easily be his stress and anxiety in the situation during his route causing him to bounce back and forth/ the mask he tries to put up to protect MC from getting involved with him being thrown up when he feels like he’s letting her to close. But nonetheless there are points where he will just seem sad and melancholy then get angry. 

Anxiety 

   - I mean idrk how to explain this one for him, I don’t necessarily think that he has social anxiety, but maybe general anxiety (tho I’m not really sure how to explain how I see that in him) but regardless when he does experience pressure, he seems to have heightened anxiety levels. It just makes sense in my head so take this one a little lighter than the others. 

Low self esteem 

    - ‘I’m not a good person” “Why do you like me?” I would say that when it comes to his looks he’s fairly confident. But when it comes to his personality (I mean he has a whole identity crisis) and actions, it’s a whole other story. He puts himself down a lot because he genuinely thinks that he doesn’t deserve MC and that she should be with someone better than him.

Impulsiveness 

    - Again, breaking Robocat. Felt impulsive and done without thought. His car rides could also be considered impulsive depending on how risky and speedy they may be. I recall at one point he texts MC while driving. 

Trouble controlling anger 

    - Source: His Whole Route

Procrastination 

   - I feel like I keep bringing up the robo animals a lot, but they were also a form of procrastinating his work. (I suppose there are a lot of things that could be tied to those animals then, or maybe I’m just reading to deep into things). Uhm, idk I can’t think of anymore examples atm, and I know he tries not to procrastinate super important stuff. I feel like if I were to play the game again (it’s been a couple weeks) I would be able to find more examples for this even on a minor scale. Sometimes him teasing Yoosung could be seen as both him trying to relieve some stress and put off doing his work.

~•⭐ D e p r e s s i o n ⭐•~ 

- Yes I know his depression comes from trauma and abuse. However ADHD overlaps with different disorders quite commonly. A lot of his ADHD symptoms overlap with depression as well, such as the disorganization, mood swings, and insomnia. And depression can very often accompany ADHD too just simply due to the fact that mental illnesses do tend to come in multiples, and also the ADHD itself can be a contributor to depression.

Those are 12 different signs that he might have ADHD...and of course I’m no doctor. Everything that I listed were things that I found through an attempt to analyze him and his route, and online research regarding ADHD. I’m sure there are things I might have over-analyzed and taken some things out of context as it has been a couple weeks since I finished his route...So feel free to add your own thoughts/opinions, regardless of if you think I’m right or wrong. This has been in my drafts for a while and I finally got it finished and will likely go through editing later but I want to post it now. If anything is hard to understand let me know and it will get fixed to the best of my ability.

[yulmoldauer]

its better not to say such things out loud (Tyson Jost/OC): Chapter One

part 2

Story summary: Mason Wright was recently traded and because an Av. Sometimes a fresh start with a new team across the country is what a guy needs, right? It seems to work out, going to a place where no one truly knows you. That is, until someone finds out what you’re desperately trying to hide.

Chapter 1

Summary: Mason’s had a rough game, to put it simply. It was never the best idea to get into a fight with someone bigger than you. They won even with him taking a five-minute major for fighting halfway through the third period. The team goes out to celebrate his 23rd birthday post-win and Tyson takes care of getting him home and to sleep safely.

Warnings: None, I believe! Just some drinking mentioned and there’s a drunk character if that makes you uncomfortable. There’s also a slur against lgbt people used.

Words: 1,968

Notes: The title is from The Stigma (Boys Don’t Cry) by As It Is. This is the thing with the LGBT main character that I’ve had a few different people tell me they’d be interested in :) I’m having a lot of fun writing and plotting this so far, so let me know if you enjoy!

There were perks to being smaller than most other people in the league. Being an extremely fast and skilled defenseman was one of them.

Being outmatched in every possible articulation, being compared to a chihuahua yapping at a pitbull, everything like that. Which is how he ended up in the penalty box for five fucking minutes, the asshole in the box next to him chirping him the entire time, it seemed like.

“What are you, a fag?”

That was what Mason heard fly by him, aimed at Jost who wouldn’t get into a fight to draw a penalty. Mason knew for a fact that’s what the guy was trying to do. He still took the bait when Tyson didn’t.

Mason was smaller than nearly every player he knew. Watching him get into a fight was exciting yet painful at the same time for anyone with a brain. The other guy was at least six-foot compared to the five-foot-eight Mason. To say it was outmatched…

Mason was going to be lucky if he didn’t come out of this with some scrapes and bruises. A broken nose was pretty likely as well, once he thought about it.

But hearing that word ignited something in him that overtook the reasoning section of his brain and both of them were dropping gloves. Sure, he’d definitely have a black eye tomorrow, but he’d gotten a few good licks in as well.

They still won the game, which was nice.

“Dude, you gotta at least get into it with guys in your weight class.”

“You’re funny, Landeskog. Whole fucking league is out of my weight class,” Mason huffed as he stripped his padding off of his lean torso.

“Yeah, kinda the point,” Zadorov shrugged. “Not your fault you’re smaller, just the way it is.”

“I get it, I’m short,” he ran a hand through his wavy helmet hair and reached down to unlace his skates. “Z, you can fight for me, then. I’ll run my mouth and you can do all the hitting.”

“With you? Don’t take it, man, Wright can go on and on for hours,” Tyson chirped from across the room. That earned him a glove chucked at his face.

“Fuck y’all. I don’t even have a good comeback.”

“Because it’s true!”

Okay, maybe it was true. Mason was just a talker, it’s how it was.

Tyson gave him endless shit about it, but really he didn’t mind. He actually enjoyed just being able to turn his brain off and absorb whatever stuck from what Mason was going on about. Usually it didn’t even matter--ranting about how a show got robbed of some award that doesn’t even matter, spewing information about whatever book he was reading, going off about whatever asshole did something stupid during his day-- Tyson would just let him go until he ran out of steam. Conversations were nice, too, when he was in just a talkative mood as well.

Mason did know how to shut up, though. Sometimes. (Hint: that’s what made him the favorite out of the Wright/Zadorov best friend duo. He could be quieter than Z. They’ve threatened to separate the two on multiple occasions, though.)

“What’d that guy even do to rile you up? You looked pissed,” Nate broke Mason out of his train of thought.

“Just called someone something stupid. I’m not gonna repeat it.”

“He called me a fag because I wouldn’t take the bait for the penalty,” Tyson said soon after. “He’s just a fucking moron because he got a longer penalty than any of us.”

There was an uncomfortable moment as that sunk in, then a few “what the fuck” or “that’s gross” phrases before people moved on to heading to the showers.

Mason was about to sneak away when Tyson called out his name.

“Hey, I wanted to catch you before you hit the shower. You got a second?”

“Yeah, sure. I just have to do some pt kind of stuff before I shower. What’s up?” he offered with a friendly smile.

“I just wanted to thank you for sticking up for me. You definitely didn’t have to, but calling him on it drew a ton of attention to it. I think it’s really important to start weeding that shit out of the sport, y’know?”

“Yeah,” Mason smiled. “I--thanks, man. That means a lot to me.”

“‘Course,” Tyson gave a nod. “And you know if you were, like… y’know, gay or… anything, really, I wouldn’t care. And neither would anyone else on the team. It’d totally be okay.”

Mason wanted to give him a reassuring “I know” but couldn’t. Hockey was definitely not the environment known for welcoming lgbt kids and turning them into well-adjusted, accepted adults.

“Thanks,” Mason murmured. “Really, that means a lot.”

“Of course,” Tyson breathed, like he was getting a huge weight off his chest. “Um, yeah. I’ll let you go do your physical therapy stuff now. I’ll see you at the bar after everything’s done here?”

“Yeah, I’m not gonna ditch you for my birthday, idiot.”

With an excited smile, Tyson turned and headed in the opposite direction.

Once he reached an area to chill out while waiting for the showers to clear out, Mason sighed, plopping into a chair and resting his head in his hands.

Obviously he knew why Tyson brought up starting to call out homophobia and other bigoted shit they were all used to just overlooking. But why did he bring up the whole ‘we’d accept you no matter what’ thing?

The thought of ‘he was very sensitive to a slur so maybe he’s gay’ never crossed Mason’s mind. That would simply be too easy and rational.

Did Tyson know he was different? What exactly did Tyson know? There was no way Tyson would out him, but still. Trusting people to keep a secret was hard. It was just easier to bottle everything up.

God, he needed to figure this out.

Maybe he’d get drunk enough tonight to just forget for a little while. He didn’t get drunk or even drink all that often, he could let go every now and then.

At the beginning of the night, Gabe took his keys, promising that he’d give them to whoever would be driving Mason home. They all knew for a fact Mason wouldn’t drive drunk, it wasn’t even in the realm of possibilities. Honestly, they were more worried about the newly twenty-three-year-old losing them or putting them somewhere so he’d ‘remember where they are later’, which was proven ineffective at the last gathering Gabe threw.

“If you can’t figure out where the stupid keys are, he can come get them in the morning or I can drop them off to him or something,” Gabe rolled his eyes.

“You’re sure you don’t remember where you put them?” JT triple-checked. He’d been the designated driver for a few of them, including Mason, Tyson, and a couple others who had already gotten out to the car.

Mason shook his head. “I’m not even that drunk,” he insisted.

“Uh-huh. Gabe, just let me know if you find ‘em and we can work something out for him in the morning.”

Twenty minutes later, Gabe sent a picture and “anyone know who these belong to?” in the group chat. It was, without a doubt, Mason’s keys, adorned with a keychain reading “DETROIT” in graffiti lettering. He was from Detroit, and everyone knew that he refused to take that keychain off until it literally fell off for some sentimental reason, most likely.

‘Lol where’d you find it?’ someone texted back.

‘My dishwasher. His wallet was there too’

Mason has still never heard the end of that. No matter how hard he tried to explain that when he put them somewhere, it meant that he wouldn’t lose them or buy something stupid online (last time that happened, he bought a thing to hang on a window so your cat could sit on it and sunbathe. Mason has not owned a cat at any point in his life.) and he’d remember where it was once he sobered up.

Of course he still gets relentless shit for it. He wouldn’t expect any different.

Currently, Mason and Z were arm wrestling over a table in the back of the bar, people beginning to call it quits and going home. And with his pride hurt that he could not beat Z in an arm wrestling match, Tyson stole the other’s keys and wallet from Gabe, saying goodbyes and forcing Mason to as well.

“You are blasted, man.”

“Mmph,” he shrugged and laid his head against the passenger window. “I wanna lay down and sleep.”

“You can when I get you home. Gimmie your seatbelt so I can buckle you in.”

Mason followed the order with a small pout, not drunk enough to the point of incoherence but… definitely a little fucked up. Tyson had done this before: dealing with the mopey friend at the end of the night. Mason was definitely one to get mopey or clingy once they left the main event.

“My face hurts.”

“That checks out, buddy. I’ll get you some ice for it back at your place. What?” Tyson continued to ask when Mason stared out the windshield all angsty.

“Still can’t believe I couldn’t beat Z.”

“That guy could slam most of us through a table, don’t beat yourself up.”

“Can’t. Someone already did.”

“You’re full of jokes, huh?”

Mason just grinned sleepily as they pulled into the apartment complex and Tyson had an arm wrapped around his friend to keep him steady. Getting a drunk person to go to bed was usually one of the hardest parts of the night.

“Would you just--”

“I got it,” Mason huffed, fumbling with his keys near the lock of the door.

“Dude.”

“Shut up, you’re gonna wake up my neighbors,” he grumbled, finally getting the door open with a triumphant “see? I’m an adult.”

“I see. Go be an adult and get ready to go to bed,” Tyson rolled his eyes, taking the keys out of the door and locking it behind them.

“I don’t wanna sleep,” he replied quickly.

“You’re drunk, what do you mean you don’t want to sleep?”

“Not tired,” he flopped down on the couch.

“At least get out of your clothes. That way if you fall asleep it’s in pajamas.”

Mason was sprawled out, already clicking through Netflix.

“Fine, I will go get you pajamas. Here,” Tyson pressed a cold compress to a bruise on his face and headed to the bedroom.

“Thanks for driving me,” he heard from the other room.

“‘Course,” Tyson called back. “Here, put these on,” he tossed the clothes at Mason.

“Are you staying here? You can take the guest room, if you want.”

“Sure. Probably easier than trying to get home this late,” Tyson shrugged and headed for the kitchen. As he heard the rustling around of what he assumed was his friend changing, Tyson got a glass of water and painkillers for when Mason woke up.

“I can drive you home tomorrow,” Mason slurred even more heavily as he began getting more tired. He’d managed to get his jeans off and a pair of shorts on before moving onto the shirt. He’d just pulled his shirt off when Tyson walked back in the room with the water.

“Woah,” he said quietly, stopping quickly.

For whatever reason, he’d never realized that he had never seen his teammate and friend shirtless. That was weird, especially when you played sports together for a living. He assumed it was due to the faded scars along his chest, almost in a u-shape under each pec.

He didn’t even know what kind of injury would cause that kind of surgery.

“When did you get surgery?”

Fuck was all that ran through Mason’s head.

[luci-in-trenchcoats]

Your #1 Fans

Summary: The guys find out Y/N is feeling down about her writing lately and try to cheer her up...

Pairing: choose your own! (Dean, Sam, Castiel or Jack x reader)

Word Count: 1,100ish

Warnings: language

A/N: I’ve been seeing a lot (and I mean a lot) of writers lately feeling down, feeling like they don’t write as well as they used to, feeling like no one cares about what they write or whether they write at all. I’ve been in this boat and slip into it far more often than I’d care to admit. This is for my fellow writers because I know how we can get wrapped up in our own heads and that lack of notes/feedback/whatever can make it feel even worse. Hopefully this little tidbit from the boys makes someone’s day a little brighter!

“Hey, Y/N,” said Dean, watching Y/N nip out of the kitchen. “Netflix and ice cream?”

“No thanks,” you said, Dean nodding as you carried your laptop under your arm.

“Whatcha been up to?” he asked.

“Writing,” you said with a sigh. “Trying to write.”

“Huh,” he said. “I thought you wrote for fun.”

“I do,” you said.

“Yeah, cause you look like you’re having the time of your life,” he said. 

“Just forget about it. I have a stupid story to finish no one even wants,” you grumbled, brushing past him. Dean frowned and headed for the library, Jack already on his computer searching for a movie to watch.

“Y/N joining us?” asked Sam.

“She’s got her writing Tumblr thingy,” said Dean, plopping down in a chair. 

“Do you follow her?” asked Sam.

“Yup. You gotta catch up on her new stuff. Gah, it’s so freaking good,” said Dean.

“I particularly enjoyed her fan fiction from last week. It made me smile throughout the day,” said Cas. “She writes so beautifully.”

“You would think with all we go through she’d be a bit harder but all her stuff is just so good...I wish I was that creative,” said Sam.

“She’s kick ass, that’s why,” said Dean.

“I started reading through her old things. How does Y/N make a story so believable out of nothing?” asked Jack.

“Practice,” said all three.

“At least that’s what Y/N tells us,” said Sam. “I like her angsty stuff.”

“Uh, her cute as shit fluffy stuff is where it’s at,” said Dean.

“I enjoy her-”

“We all know what you enjoy Cas,” said Dean, holding up a hand.

“Go to her Ao3 for that,” said Sam, shaking his head.

“Why does Y/N not respond to the gray faces anymore?” asked Jack. “I always like those.”

“She must not be getting asks on stuff as much,” said Sam. “I don’t get it, she’s an amazing writer and her stories now are even better than when she started out. I think it’s people taking her for granted. I mean, she has a whole life and she still produces stuff constantly.”

“I have noticed feedback often spurs her content creation,” said Cas.

“I like the gif responses the best,” said Dean with a chuckle. 

“I bet you post swoon on every Dean post,” said Sam, crossing his arms.

“No way!” said Dean. “I...”

“You post swoon on Dean posts?” asked Jack with a smirk.

“No. I...I don’t think I’ve ever commented once. I don’t even think I like anything. Fuck, I live with her and I’ve never even talked to her about this stuff!” said Dean.

“I...” said Sam, Cas groaning and Jack cocking his head. “Have not a single one of us ever told her how great her stories are?”

“We are awful friends,” said Cas.

“No wonder why she’s getting down lately. What if everybody is like us? I just assume she knows how great she is but clearly, she ain’t feeling it,” said Dean.

“Well what are we gonna do?” asked Sam. 

“We could leave some comments?” asked Cas.

“I think the big long paragraphs with the stuff we really liked is what she likes most,” said Jack.

“Screw the movie. We’re spending the night being the best damn feedback givers of our lives tonight boys. I can not believe I just said that,” said Dean.

“I’ll order some pizza and wings,” said Cas. 

“I’ll get the beers,” said Dean. “Jack, make sure everybody’s got a computer and is ready to go in the next five minutes.”

“Boys,” Y/N grumbled, walking into the library late that night. “Could you keep it down out here? I’m trying to write the end of something.”

“Hey! There she is!” said Sam, stepping over and picking you up, giving you a hug.

“It’s three in the morning, what are you guys doing up?” you yawned.

“We’re talking about your stories,” said Jack with a big smile.

“Stories?” you asked as Sam set you down.

“Yes, the stories you write online. We were taking a slight break and discussing your cutest thing you’ve written,” said Cas.

“It’s the-” said Dean, Cas throwing back his head.

“No! For the last time, the one with-”

“You’re both wrong,” said Jack, both men glaring at him. “The one from two weeks ago is the cutest one she’s ever written.”

“Pft, amateur. The right answer is the one that’s sitting in her queue. Not that I know Y/N’s password or anything,” said Sam, holding his hands up. 

“Wha..” said Y/N, scratching her head. “Are...are you talking about my fanfics? Like my Tumblr fanfics?”

“Duh,” said Dean. “We noticed you’re feeling down about your writing lately and we wanted to go give you some great feedback once we realized we never give it, even though we love the shit out of what you make for us.”

“We got talking about your stuff...we talk about it a lot actually. We’re sort of jealous,” said Sam.

“None of us can create something out of nothing like that,” said Cas. “That’s a pretty incredible skill to have. You should be proud of it.”

“I...do I suck?” you asked, all four of them frowning at you. “I just...I would never post something like that and ask people online but I feel like I suck so bad at this lately.”

“No, you don’t suck,” said Cas, Dean waving you over. You took a seat next to him, the boys all giving you soft smiles.

“You give us something we could never make on our own, something that sometimes we didn’t even know we needed,” said Dean. “You have no idea how much it helps.”

“We love your stories and we know you don’t hear it enough but we do,” said Cas.

“You guys really read my tumblr?” you asked, glancing at Jack. “Even you?”

“I haven’t read everything yet but I really enjoy everything I’ve read so far. It’s like you paint a picture with words sort of,” said Jack. “I think I said that right.”

“Thanks boys,” you said. “Writing is lonely sometimes when you feel like no one cares.”

“Your number one fans care,” said Sam. “A lot of people do, even if we forget to say it.”

“Ease up on yourself, sweetheart. Have fun again and write what you want to, isn’t that the whole point?” asked Dean.

“Yeah, yeah it is,” you said. “Thanks for reminding of that. Love you guys.”

[tottwritesfanfic]

I was tagged by @humandisasterbuckybarnes (I totally didn’t even notice at first because I’ve been away from Tumblr, sorrryyyy!)

1. How did you come up with your username and what does it mean?

OOH. Well. This actually goes back a long way! The ‘tott’ part of TottWriter is really an acronym for the title of a series of fantasy novels I started writing in my teens. (They’ve undergone a lot of revisions since then.) I picked TotTWriter as a username when I joined a forum in 2006 because it summed up how I saw myself at that time, and it just sorta...stuck. As for what the acronym actually is? Gotta wait and see. 

2. Which fanfic of yours has the most feedback? (bookmarks/subscriptions/hits/kudos).

Ohgosh. Well, I think that one’s gotta be my Digimon fic Hope’s Fire, on pretty much all fronts. It’s my oldest, longest fic, and it’s posted on both Ao3 and ff, so it’s had plenty of time to accrue attention. 

3. What is your AO3 profile icon, and why did you choose it?

My Ao3 icon is a picture of a pen and paper roleplaying character I rolled a few years ago. (And was drawn by @iddstar, not me, because I am Not An Artist and Vic very much is.)

After finishing this I’m dropping the rest of it beneath a readmore, because it got a teensy bit long, and I complain bitterly if these hog my own dash.)

4. Do you have any regular/favourite commenters?

You know, I feel bad talking about regular commenters, given how irregularly I actually manage to post anything these days. I feel like it’s more appropriate for me to grovel and thank those people who have stuck with me this long. (I’m particularly grateful to @ittybittymattycommittee​ because it has been A While. You’re wonderful.)

5. Is there a fanfic that you keep going back to read again and again?

I’m...I mean, there isn’t really a particular one? I have a few which I’ve read multiple times, but I tend to read the really long fics, which make regular re-reads a bit trickier. I absolutely want to go back over fics I’ve loved and enjoyed and experience that again, but it’s tricky when they take so long, and I have so little time. 

...Actually, probably my most re-read fic is a YoI one called Rumble In Detroit. It’s a goddamn masterpiece which appeals exactly to my sense of humour. (Also only 6.4k, so totally readable in one go if you’re me.)

6. How many stories are you subscribed to? How many do you have bookmarked?

I’m really bad at bookmarking. I’ll read a fic, think, “This was awesome!” and then just...forget to bookmark it and pull my hair out later wondering what the hell it was. I scroll through my history to find stuff entirely too often. I have 53 bookmarked fics, and it should be way more. 

Conversely, I am very prone to hitting that subscribe button. I have ten pages of the dratted things apparently, and okay, some of those are now completed fics, but...every now and then I get an update notification and can’t remember what the actual fic was. 

7. Which AU do you find yourself writing the most?

...I mean, angsty ones? I don’t really have a preferred setting tbh, although more often than not there is something fantastical about what I write. Generally with my fanfiction I try to mix things up a lot more than my original fic. I make a point of trying to do as many different types of story as I can. Statistically though, Apocalypse/Dystopia scenarios and (surprisingly!) Soulmate AUs work out as the most common though. 

8. How many people are subscribed and bookmarked to you in total? (you can view this on the stats page)

25 brave souls have signed up for my infrequent update notifications (bless all of you), and the stats page shows me as having 201 bookmarks. 

9. Is there something you’d like to write about but are afraid of people judging you for it? (Feeling brave? If so, share it!)

I mean, I’m pretty sure people judge me for what I already write. I’ve got fics tagged with MCD, after all, and I’m probably straying into shipping wars with at least one of my stories. I’m plenty nervous about the reaction people will have to the end of some of my fics, but I figure...ehh. I write these stories because I love them, and I share them because someone out there is bound to find them passable. 

The only thing I won’t write under this name is explicit NSFW stuff, which is because, hey, I’m hoping to get YA fiction published someday, you know? I don’t want an underage reader looking my name up (see question 1 for why they might know it) and finding something like that.

10. Is there anything you would like to be better at? Writing certain scenes or genres, replying to comments, updating better, etc.

It’s funny, because this is something I technically am better at than I used to be in years past, but the main thing is actually sitting down and writing more regularly. Despite appearances, I’ve actually written a lot of fanfic recently (Secret Santas mostly), but I could have done more than that if I’d been able to manage my time better. Also if Life hadn’t come along to mess up my day, but, hey. Go figure.

11. Do you write rarepairs or popular ships more often?

I guess it’s a bit of both? I never used to set out to write ships at all, because for me, relationships are secondary to plot when writing, but they do seem to happen more than they used to. I’m a big multishipper though so I like to mix it up.

12. How many stories have you posted on AO3 to this day (finished and unfinished)?

I have 33 works on Ao3 in total. Of those...some are oneshots, 12 are in-progress multichapter fics and...um...one is a complete multichapter fic. Whoops.

13. How many stories do you have saved in/with your writing program?

*coughs and moves on*

For real though, I posted about this recently and it’s...including original fiction, we’re talking more than thirty, possibly over 40 by now. I very deliberately don’t keep track.

14. Do you write down story ideas, or just keep them in your head?

It’s a bit of both really. Sometimes I get an idea, and it’s too fragmentary to really do anything with, so I just sorta leave it in my head to fester and ferment. If I forget it, it probably wasn’t worth saving, but if it gets to the mindworm stage I write it down in my nearest notebook at the time and expand on it a bit.

...If it’s a really fun idea, I then track down that notebook later on and copy it out onto the computer where I can actually find it again.

15. Have you ever co-authored a story?

Not for yeeeears! My sister and I started co-authoring a story back when we were teenagers, but we never actually finished the project. I really enjoyed collaborating though - it’s fun to combine forces and see what each person brings to the table!

16. How did you discover AO3?

I honestly cannot remember.

17. Do you consider yourself to be a popular or famous author in your fandom(s) on AO3?

Hahahahaha...no. It’s okay though, I’m not doing this for fame or attention. I just get these stories in my head and the only way to remove them is to write them out.

18. Do you have a nickname or fandom name for your readers?

I don’t! I...honestly can’t think of a name, tbh. Names are my nemesis, why would I add more to my life?

19. Was there an author who inspired or encouraged you to write?

WELL. 

I’ve been writing stories for as long as I can remember. Probably since I was 6 or 7 (I can remember stapling paper together at school to make a “book” to write in). Probably I was doomed from the start, but the works of Tamora Pierce, Brian Jacques, Tolkien, John Wyndham and Sir Terry Pratchett are what shaped me from my teens onward. Those are the books I read which make me want to write my own. 

20. What writing advice would you give to a beginning author?

Look, it’s really tempting I know, but don’t share online just yet. If you’re just starting out, you really are far better off keeping your work between you and trusted friends. I always look back and marvel at how damn lucky I am not to have had regular internet access until I was 18.  

You see, it meant that all my early stories - from when I was figuring out who I was as a writer, and how I wanted to write - are tucked safely away where no one can shit on them. And people do. Not everyone of course, but some, and those first few years as a writer are the most fragile.

Every author builds up a thick skin over time, because trolls are gonna troll. But it’s hard, when you work on something and do your best, and someone leaves a shitty comment about it. To my mind, the most important thing you can do as a beginner is to shield yourself from that nonsense until you’ve found your feet. There will be time yet to post your stories. Wait until you can leave it to one side for a week and come back and not despise it. (Some level of “ohgodno” is expected for your own work pretty much forever, but you should at least feel some level of pride in your work first)

...it’s hard and it’s pretty unrewarding at first, I won’t lie. But think about it like this: beginner violinists often sound awful. No one wants to hear that. But if a musician can stick it through; work past the squeaking and the cringe-worthy missed notes... What you end up with is something which can reach right into someone’s heartstrings and leave a permanent impression. 

And that is every bit worth the slog.

21. Do you plot out your stories, or do you just figure it out as you go?

A bit of both! I have at the least a rough outline (sometimes a lot more than that) for almost all my stories before starting, but I generally add to and amend it as I go. 

22. Have you ever gotten a bad comment on a story? If so, what did you do?

I think maybe once? It really wasn’t too bad though, so I just left it be. I’ve been stupidly lucky with my readers and love all of you.

23. Is there a certain type of scene that you have a hard time writing? (action, smut, etc..)

I was about to say NSFW stuff, and then I remembered confession scenes, which differ from NSFW in that I actually write those sometimes, and they take approximately five hundred times longer than literally anything else, including the smut which I hate writing so bad I practically never do it. Confession scenes are freaking hard.

24. What story(s) are you working on now?

TOO MANY. For real though, I have 3 secret santas, 3/4 active HQ fics, Hope’s Fire, and more which are sorta lurking in semi-activity beyond that. I have zero chill.

25. Do you plan your next project(s) before you finish your current ongoing story(s)?

...I mean it’d be great if I could finish an ongoing story, NGL.

26. Do you have a daily writing goal set for yourself?

Nope! I try to stick to one during NaNo, but outside that life just sorta gets in the way too often.

27. Do you think you’ve improved as a writer since you first started?

I mean, the answer is yes either way, but I tend to distinguish the various phases of my writing? age 6-12 was half-arsed writing. Just sorta jotting down stories and not really thinking too much about them. From 13-16 I was so preoccupied with writing and finishing my novel that I didn’t leave room for such trifles as quality control. 16-24/5 was slow but steady improvements. 

At 25 I realised hot damn, I have a lot to learn, and that is the point at which I consider that I started getting better for real.

28. What is your favorite story that you’ve written?

You know, it sorta depends? Assuming we’re talking fanfic only (or, sorry, but my novel beats them all), I actually...really like the Trinacrifom series? 

29. What is your least favorite story that you’ve written?

It was for a telephone prompt, it’s less than 600 words, nope, I’m not sharing it XD

30. Where do you see yourself (as a writer) in 5 years?

I mean I’d like to say something like “getting paid for it”, but we all know I’m still gonna be here writing fanfic instead of my original work.

31. What is the easiest thing about writing?

For me it’s actually the ideas! I keep getting them pop into my head.

32. What is the hardest thing about writing?

…Actually finishing things.

33. Why do you write?

At this point, writing is a little like breathing for me. It’s my identity. It’s who I am. I have so many ideas in my head and the only way to get them out is to write them, so I do. I hope that people enjoy them, certainly, and I want to think my words have an effect of some kind, but ultimately storytelling is hardwired into me and I don’t know how to stop.

Oh! Tagging. Right, after that textwall how about I pass the buck to someone else, hehe. @draculasstrawhat, @lethesomething, @iddstar and @quinnlocke as well as anyone else...if you wanna, you know? (No one’s obligated tho)

[kuroheishi]

aRGH I am so sorry guys this is so hella late, moving to another country is a huge thing and I found time only now to write this thing down, but finally I can throw all of my fierce love on ya 

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE +600 FOLLOWERS!!!!!

That’s a huge milestone for me and I am so flattered so many people follow this blog?? However! Before starting to name one by one all the wonderful people I gotta thank in here, I gotta announce that this is going to be a kinda uh... Hiatus post too? From next week everything is going to get even busier when @littlxlamb is gonna come and get me to kindap me, so... I don’t know when I will get again some more free time to be on here. IT MAKES ME SAD TO SAY BYE ON HERE BUT LIFE AAAAAHHHHHH 

WELL ANYWAYS! I’LL COME BACK FOR SURE!! Even if super rarely I’ll always come back online in here because this is like a small second home for me heh.

I am so grateful for these two years in this fandom, Yuu has completely changed my life; I found the Mika in my life heh and I got to learn so much from my muse and I wanna give as much love as he does to the world no matter of how cruel it can be. I learnt and I keep learning so freaking much from the people I have met in here and I just- I don’t know, I love everything of Owari no Seraph, Yuu and all the friendos I found here.

Thank you so much everyone!! 

EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU!! THANK YOU!!

Thank you to those who have stayed here since the very beggining, all the old and new friendos, it’s like having this huge family and even if sometimes we might even fight like it happens in all families it’s cool to always see you all around, fighting sometimes also helps to make bonds stronger right? 

I am so grateful to everyone who RPed with me or who even sent me just one ask, I appreciate this so very much!! Thank you for the patience, for when I get super heated about Yuu shbjsdhjksdhksd I just can’t help it rubs rubs head! SO THANK YOU FOR BEARING WITH THAT!! 

And at last, thank you again to every single follower! YES YOU WHO ARE READING THIS LONG SENTIMENTAL POST POINTS AT! Thank you for the support by following this blog, it means a lot to me ya know? It’s like telling me I am not doing so bad with my Yuu portrayal, that you like what I post/reblog and well- this blog will always be hella important to me, it has a special place in my heart so I’ll never stop to thank all of you!!

It’s a shame we all live in so many different places because I’d treat y’all to some curry or ice cream as a thank you but damn I hope my gratitude can reach you by this long ass post hahaha

THANK YOU ALL AGAIN!! THROWS MOUNTAINS OF GOOD VIBES AT!!

If anyone has an Instagram account and idk if you’re interested in crap cosplay or you want to keep better in touch with me during my hiatus period, you can follow me on here:

@kisshiichu

I post pretty much often there! And it will be easier for me to reply to stuff and all!

Gonna put all the rest on read more because it’s going to be hella l ong, good luck everyone to find your tag down there thumbs up!

Credits for the amazing follow forever banner go to @littlxlamb as usual because damn you’re so talented and thank you for always doing this cool stuff for me ahhhhh you’re too kind to me Nia buries you in a huge a hug!! I don’t know how you knew I wanted all the family in the picture but ahhh thank you!!

P.s. as usual I am so freaking sorry if I forget anyone but my head lately is even more messy with the moving matter, so please forgive me sdhsdghsd

Family

@littlxlamb: HELLO MIKANIA!! It’s two years we know each other and it doesn’t sound real right? But at the same time it’s like woah, only two freaking years?? Since the beginning it has always been weird how well clicked, how we could talk 5ever and be so in sync if that makes sense? AND NOW WE’RE GOING TO LIVE TOGETHER I AM SO EXCITED I COULD CLIMB A TREE OR SOMETHING EUDBJSDSD I know it’s gonna be hella hard at the beginning, but I also know that there is no other place I could be if not next you ya know? So I’m gonna roll up my sleeves and work hard for both us! But hey, I’ll tell u this face to face, but thank you for always being by my side since the beginning. Thank you for always supporting me, for giving me a family, for giving me a purpose, thank you for making me laugh and for scolding me when I need it heh I know I’m an idiot sometimes, right? Thank you for being born and for being in my life, I am so glad our blogs brought us this close, that’s why I’ll always be grateful to Yuu, Mika and ons for allowing us to meet. I promise that from next week I’ll fight side by side with you, you are so talented in the things you do that I am sure step by steop you will reach your goals and I will be always there to cheer for you!! I’ll work hard to be your pillar and to make you smile at least once a day AND I AM NOT GONNA FAIL FIST UP!

@brassboundvalkyrie: mama Kiiiiiiiiiiiiit!!!! I know lately I haven’t been very active on our fam group chat, but hey never forget I love you okay?? You’re hella awesome and cool, I will never stop reminding you that, I gotta learn from you tbh. But I mean, not only for you writing and cosplay skills, just one day wanna be a mature adult like you, you’re like my adult inspiration if that makes sense A REAL MAMA! I am so happy that you’re finally having a good time with your new work tho!! It’s actually kinda cute how you sound excited about it, so I’m really glad to see you like that heh. And well you know that even if I am not super active on this blog, that I’ll always keep in touch with you through Skype!! SO YOU WON’T MISS ME TOO MUCH HAH 

@rutilisanguinis: BARA PAPA VAMPIRE!! I actually don’t know why Lau but with you it comes more natural to act like this bratty rebellious kid since we have started talking two years ago woah. LAU DAMN THANK YOU FOR CONTACTING ME BACK THEN!! I am so glad we met, you even formed our Skype fam basically and I just wish you all the good things with your health, work and life in general because you deserve it! I hope one day we will meet again for sure, we must!! AH!! Almost forgot to thank you again for the adorable gift, like sdghsdghjsd it made me so flattered that you thought about me?? It was so kind of you ahhhhhhhhhh

@fortisgladio: Lizzie ah damn what can I say about you? I am glad Yuu allowed me to meet someone like you, someone as passionate (IF NOT MORE) than me about ons and especially our precious sunshine boy! No matter if we have similar thoughts about him or not, just thank you so much for how much love you put in everything you write and do!! You’re a wonderful huge bright sun, it’s always uh... I forgot English for a sec hang on lemme check the dictionary- comforting?? Yes that too, and it brightens my day whenever I get to exchange few words with you; seeing you on my dash is always wonderful too, I love your writing so freaking much shakes the pc! You are an ispiration for me, thank you for being my friend and for always being this kind, I really appreciate that so damn much. I just wish for everything in your life to go super well, for you to always find the strength to fight it IF YOU NEED TO PUNCH STRUGGLES I’LL BE BY YOUR SIDE BRUH!! I am just sending you all the love and good vibes because you must get all of the happiness and love!!!!!

@undyingxloyalty: slides huge ice cream in here- KAT LEMME SCREAM TO THE OCEAN ABOUT HOW OF AN AMAZING FRIEND YOU ARE!!! Do you understand how grateful I am that you’re in my fam zone?? Because ahhhhh lately we finally got talk more and I’m so glad we did!! You have always been so freaking supportive with me and I have always wondered, the heck do I deserve such wonderful friends around me?? That’s why I wanna give you back everything you do for me!! All the kinds words always ready to hit me hard, this helpful aura you have around yourself and how I feel chill because I know somehow you’ve always kept an eye on me somehow?? All of that has always given much happiness kay, so I hope I can give you as much of that to you, because I wanna see you happy!! You deserve it sooooooo much! And don’t think I forgot about your stunning writing, I am so flattered I got to write with such a skilled writer as you are, you’re Mika is freaking well portayed that damn I just scream. Thank you for being an ispiration too, remember to stay always cool and safe!! 

@sassyshinoahiiragi: Chelsea damn you’re always such a sweet friend with me! Time zone sucks because it doesn’t help us to catch each other online, but I don’t care just thank you for always being this supportive EVEN TOO MUCH SOMETIMES AJHKSDHKJSDHKJSD still grateful for that tho, I hope I can be as supportive for you?? Like I really wish everything will go well for you, because all the happiness must hit you hard! I miss writing with you, but remember that Yuu and I will always wait for Shinoa and you to come back!! I have always been hella flattered you contacted me and all, that you like my Yuu so thank you so much /////  Even tho I will be on hiatus here, I hope I can get to jump on ya even from England!! SO SEE YOU SOON HEH

@fallenangelmikaela: FLIES FOR A TACKLE HUG!!!!! Okay Alice as you said... We’ve been mutuals for how long? Two years?? Since I have started my blog and heck, for time zone and all we didn’t even get to talk that much til these last months, but I’m so happy we finally got closer kay? Because you’re such a cool friendo and I have so much fun talking to you, RPing with your Mika too!! I even told you that for my Yuu your Mika is like hella important to him!! Thank you for being patient with my noisiness, I have you on Skype and Instagram so I am sure we’ll keep in touch somehow even during my hiatus AND I AM GLAD KAY. Stay always safe and I wish you too much much much happiness, I am still crossing my finger for you and your thing hah, so I am sure one day something super woah and good is gonna happen to you!!

@chiheisxn: dude. buries u under affection. Even tho you always hit me with angst AND YOU KNOW YOU DO, thank you for even doing that. I really appreciate every single ask you send me, you have so much creativity and talent in writing, you’re so funny and yet you can be so heart breaking with your threads that damn. I adore that. I am still so sorry for all the shit that has happened back then, I hate seeing friends struggling and being attacked, so never forget to come to me if someone ever dares to even say a bad words on you kay? Because I am gonna get them so hard, no one should receive hate, especially my FRIENDS and for dumb stuff like jeez. I will miss seeing you around when I’ll be away BUT I WILL BE SURE TO BE BACK TO JUMP ON YOU AND YUU ON YOUR AKANE!!

@thatonecoolnara & @inuzukachii: where you guys at?????? I actually saw Madara mum around lately on here but I didn’t wanna bother, I just keep an eye on you two thanks to socials heh, but I hope you’re both doing great! Just wanted to remind you guys that even if we might be not in touch that I always check on you guys and that I still care for you two a lot kay? Always gonna keep a thought for you two and wishing hard for the best in your life!

@littlepsychedelicdream: Madi-chan damn I am sorry lately we didn’t talk like at all? But probably you’re busy too and I just hope you’re doing well!! We’ve know each other for some years already and hey, never forget that no matter if we talk or not, if life is busy and stuff, you’ll always be this very cool friendo, reliable, sweet, kind and hella fun to talk to! You have a great talent, both in writing and art so I am crossing my fingers so hard for you, I am sure you’ll reach your goals, I believe in you!!

The Squad

@asura-the-black: ahhhhhh bruh!! I hope you’re doing well, but hey just wanted to keep reminding you that I am still glad for all the times we got to RP!! Because your writing is just so stunning, so strong with feels to hit me hard in the heart! Thank you for that and for even discussing with me about headcanons!! My Yuu will always keep your Asuramaru in his heart kay? I hope you’re having fun and that you’re safe!! ONE DAY WE’LL WRITE MORE AGAIN!! I love your blog too much sdjsdksdkds

@poenitet: woah dad, I am gonna tag you with Guren’s blog because that’s how we met heh. I’m sorry lately I’ve been hella busy and we also kinda distanced ourselves but yeah, you’re really kinda Guren style and I keep my distance too if I know I might anger someone ya know, I am just really empathic I guess and since I like talking with you very much I get kinda sad if I feel like I might anger you. You’re such a talented writer and artist honestly that I hope you’ll find your happy path someday! I am glad we got to talk so much about Owari no Seraph and especially about Guren, I have always missed in here someone to write Guren and Yuu’s bond with me, because it just gives me huge feels and idk you’re perfect in that? Your Guren is just the dad for my Yuu that I really cannot describe in proper words how my son feels damn. Just huge fierce love for your Guren, that’s it. Thank you anyways for allowing me to write with you and for showing me your cool drawings, I had much fun!! YOU NERD. 

@elyon-kurae: hey Lily!!! First lemme tell you that I must confess your OC is literally like the first one who caught me properly, I mean, damn I admire people for writing original characters but you also gotta have talent to pull out something cool and girl you have it! That is why, since you are always so super supportive with me, I wish I can give you as much support! Because you write Elyon so freaking well, her personality and all, you are an artist too so I can always wish you to improve in everything you love! Fight your struggles, I know you can do it but never forget to rely on friends when you feel down because people care for you and they’re only glad to help you kay? Call me if you gotta punch trouble, I’ll hurry to kick butts with you!!

@ofsnipcr: FLA DAMN I ACTUALLY GOTTA CONTACT YOU TO ASK YOU IF YOU’RE COMING TO THE CON WOAH. But hey, I still remember the first time you commented under a post of mine, back then the dash was full of new people for me and you offered a hand to me, to get comfy in this new fandom so never gonna thank you for that! You are one of the sweetest friends I know really, you’re so talented and I love your Shinya so much! Your writing is amazing too like how can you do it sdhjsdhsd but yes imma contact you, because it would be so wonderful to meet you finally!! And have fun together heh. Thank you for everything and a huge good luck with everything you gotta do!! Throws tones of good luck and love vibes at!!

@monophagia: Vero, darkness my old friend. Why do I even try to make jokes when I can’t sdgjsdhjsdsd ANYWAYS. Dude, you’re talented kay? So leave the the bad stuff behind your back and just lemme shower you in compliments because beside your amazing writing skills, I mean you’re an ispiration for me when I read your threads, you’re also such a cool artist?? So thank you for even wanting to write with me, I am so flattered sdhjgksdghkjds  SO STAY ALWAYS COOL, I know that Yuu and Saito don’t have much of a uh... Chance to have much interaction I guess? BUT THAT’S WHY AUs EXIST I LOVE YOUR SAITO KAY 

@lordgeales: jii-chan’s kissy friend points at! NO OKAY BESIDE JOKES!! I am sorry we didn’t get to talk much but?? I am very noisy I know shjdshjsdbnsd but I might be shy too kay. Tho you better know that I love your portrayal, your writing YOUR BLOG, thank you for loving so much a character who hasn’t appeared much on the manga yet and for giving it life!! Also you are so sweet, you even thought about me for that crack thing you once sent me on IM and that made me so flattered and happy woah. I hope in the future we will get to RP more too!! 

@lestkarrkingofeurope: ahhhhhhh bruh!! I just wanted to tell you that your blog is FREAKING AWESOME!! Thank you for giving the fandom the blessing of your small King, I am so sorry I didn’t get to make Yuu jump on your muse sdjskjsda but I hope in the future I’ll get to write something with you because I’d be so flattered to! EVEN CRACK STUFF I just love your portrayal, your writing is just too stunning. Keep on with the great work and right! Thank you for working hard with your friends on the ons chapters, translating and editing them for the fandom!! 

@lendmeyourpower: heyyy there!! Just wanted to tell you that I love writing with your Guren!! And to always remind you that your Yuu was my first very inspiration in here when I just started with my blog! Thank you for wanting to write with my Yuu, it made me so very glad and remember I’m always wishing and cheering for your good health! I hope you can get better soon and fight your troubles!!

@ai-kizu-rp: MELY-CHAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just thank you for being patient with me and for still keeping in touch with me, I keep seeing your drawings and I am cheering for you to reach higher goals with your talent!! I’ll never forget our funny times on my other RP blog, it’s a shame life doesn’t give as much time anymore to play on all of my blogs and that I focused on Yuu because he’s my spirit animal but sdghjsahgksa I will keep cheering for you from here!!!

@snipec: I have written so much I don’t know anymore what I am doing BUT JUST LEMME SAY THAT YOUR SHINYA IS AMAZING AND I HAVE MUCH FUN WRITING WITH YOU even tho I am always slow as heck BUT HE’S LIKE DAD #2 BECAUSE OF GUREN and you’re also very sweet and I hope we’ll get to interact more in the future aghjshkjsdk YUU WILL EAT TOATS WITH SHINYA ONE DAY

@selfxloathingxvamp: ahhhh hello there!! I am sorry we stopped talking because I disappeared but sdhjgsdhjsgd LIFE KEPT ME BUSY and at some point discord started to lag too so I got annoyed, me vs technlogy is a costant struggle. But hey! I wanted to thank you for being so damn kind to me, it’s always something I appreciate so much EVEN IF U CHALLENGED ME MANY TIMES IMMA ALWAYS FITE U BRUH. And you’re a super fun person to talk to, cool to RP with too! Your writing is on spot with Mika and I still hope that when I will be back I will get to talk more again with you!! Just good luck with yout stuff kay? Always gonna cross my fingers for cool friendos, that’s why I hope you get to meet with @yuichiroisms one day!! It’s cool to have someone you care so much by your side heh, so imma take this chance to tell Eri too that I wish you guys all the best, hope your paths will meet for real real one day!! Just work hard on it and if you need some help on lifting struggle don’t mind calling me, imma directly punch down the wall thumbs up!!!

@crusaderce: u know that Yuu has not accepted yet Crowley as the cuddle buddy for mama Horn right? Yuu staring intensly in the distance. Tho wait besides jokes friendo, with all of your blogs I have seen in this fandom, you write your muses so well! I love seeing how your Crowley is basically a kindergarten done teacher who gotta keep an eye on the brats bugging him sdghsdhjgsdhjksd I HOPE WHEN I’LL BE BACK WE’LL GET TO WRITE MORE TOGHER!! Stay always awesome and safe!!

@ofichinose: ahhhhhhhh friendo your Guren is just so freaking amazing, HONESTLY LIKE ALL THE MUSES YOU WRITE AS!! I am so grateful there is someone like you always fighting for Guren and who  writes such interesting analysis about him, I am glad there is someone like you to defend the dad heh. Also!!! I am so glad I got to write something with your Aoi, because at least for me it sounds so interesting and a huge battle of who’s more determined and stubborn on their ideals! So I am looking forward to seeing how it’s going to develop!! Keep on with the great work!!

@krullish: !!!!!!! Even tho we kinda have never had the chance to interact here so much because of life keeping us busy, time zone and much other crap, always gonna remind you how cool and talented you are!! You were the first blog in here I followed of the fandom and I’m glad I found you!! Thank you for always being kind because that’s a huge thing for me and I’m glad somehow I can keep an eye on you from Instagram because I admire your cosplay skills so much!! Who knows, maybe one day we’ll get to cosplay together with Nia?? It would be hella cool! Good luck with everything you gotta do and keep on with the great work!!

@retentionsx: KASPAR!! I wanted to apologise that we didn’t have much of a chance to interact in the end, but unfortunately when you came around I also got kinda busy, but hey! You’re an amazing person kay? For the few things I got to see of you, you are such a great presence in my dash and I am so glad we met! You’re hella talented, never forget about it! Your Yato, your writing is amazing and thank you so freaking much for brightening my days when you’d be around!! Just thank you so much, I wish you all the happiness because you deserve it!! Throws tones of happy vibes at!!

@all-i-want-is-yuu: friendo!! Just imma throw on you all the good vibes too because I feel like you sometimes don’t believe in your skills when?? Hey you’re a cool person, kind and sweet and that’s already something big! Thank you for being a supportive friend and remember you write super well too!! You’ll have to wait for my reply but looking forward to seeing how it’s gonna develop our thread of Yuu accidentally stealing Mika’s boots snorts

  LAST HUGE SHOUT OUT TO EVERYONE, EVEN THOSE I MIGHT HAVE FORGOTTEN BECAUSE MY BRAIN IS JUST KINDA EXPLODING BUT I REALLY LOVE Y’ALL AND YOU’RE ALL AMAZING THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR MAKING THIS PLACE A GREAT PLACE AND FOR MAKING MY EXPERIENCE IN HERE SO AWESOME!!

[lolbtsaus]

Long Distance with Jimin

And now it is time for the first member of the maknae line, half of the Busan line, the other half of Yoonmin, our angel who looked s o fucking good with the pink hair cotton candy!chim was one of my faves it was so cute while it lasted, he always looks so good tbh, Park Jimin aka chim chim

So this series is gonna be about a long distance relationship (ldr for short) with the boys, this post is gonna more focused on the online relationship aspect but it’ll still be ldr!!

This is gonna involve youtuber!Jimin (here) to sum it up, he has a channel where he uploads anything he wants, covers, dances, vlogs, tags, just anything he’s in the mood for that day

So the story of how you two meet is that you meet over social media (youtube) you see one of his dance videos, mention how much you loved it in one of your videos, the subscribers tell Jimin and then shit just goes from there

He’d already been a fan of your channel and you loved his so the two of you start talking online and he’s s o friendly and sweet and you two get to know each other really well

The first two months of your relationship is long distance until you two can finally meet up

At first everything is platonic, you're considering doing a collab together or just meeting up but you're both too busy to fly out at first bc college and you'd need to figure out where you'd stay if you did fly out to see him

Like would you stay with him??? Is that okay with him?? Or should you find a good hotel nearby? Is that something you ask him, you don’t know what approach to take to it so you save it for when it comes up

But then things start getting more flirty bc chim can be a lil flirt when he wants to be, he’s shy and smol and cute but he goes from shy giggles and looking away to avoid people’s gazes to ripping his shirt off

So at first, he’s just being friendly, asking how your day’s going, what video you’re filming/editing, what your favorite movies are bc he wants to get to know you and you do the same with him

And slowly but surely, more flirty lines start up like he asks about your ideal first date, what you look for in a significant other and he starts telling you about his crush and it’s pretty obvious he’s trying to hint at you being the crush

“Actually, my crush kinda looks like you haha how ironic right??”

“Oh hey my crush has that same necklace what a small world”

He eventually gathers up the courage to Facetime/Skype you and ask you out and he has this whole date planned out in his head, he wants to fly out to see you and have the first date in person and he wants to explore your city with you

You say yes when he asks and he gets s o happy, you know that smile Jimin gets where it’s all teeth and most of the time he laughs and his eyes are so bright his entire face is just lit up and it’s so precious, that’s the smile he gets

You two were gonna meet up either way but the date is an extreme bonus

He sends you clips of his journey on snapchat, packing up his bag for the week he’ll be with you, heading to the airport with kook driving him, the both of them singing in the car on the way over, Jimin in the plane bc he plans to take a nap the entire time and wants to let you know that so you don’t text him and get !!! when he doesn’t respond

But he was lowkey up all night editing and packing and was way too excited to go to sleep how does one sleep when such exciting things are going on

You pick him up at the airport bc he obviously doesn’t have a car/ride in your city yet and he also doesn’t know his way around and you’re in awe at how handsome he is in person, cameras don’t do him justice tbh

He gives you a hug and it definitely lasts longer than a “friend” hug but he also doesn’t wanna make you feel uncomfortable bc you two had just met so he doesn’t stay in the hug as long as he would’ve liked to

It feels so comfortable with him like there is that first hour where you two are figuring each other like how close you can sit near each other without the other being uncomfortable, how affectionate you can be with each other, stuff like that

But Jimin’s a really affectionate person so it doesn’t take too long before he’s hugging you and laying his head or chin on your shoulder or leaning on you when he laughs and the relationship feels really natural, nothing is rushed or forced, everything happens at its own pace

You two spend the week together and he’s so much sweeter than you could’ve ever expected and he makes you laugh a lot and he’s always so giggly and smiley which makes you giggly and smiley and you both wish he could stay longer but he’s got school to go back to

The goodbye hug lasts a l o t longer than the first hug did and you can see how much more comfortable you two are with each other

My head canon is that Jimin is a nuzzler when he hugs people like you know how some people bury their face/nose in the other person’s hair or neck or shoulder, that’s Jimin all the way

His hugs are really tight and warm and just overall lovely and he would make such a great cuddler don’t even get me started on this shit

You promise to fly over to him in a couple weeks so it’s not gonna be too long until you two can see each other again but you’re in that honeymoon stage where you wanna talk to them and see them as often as you can so going long distance after you two just started to figure each other out is ouch

He leaves one of his favorite rings with you so you have something of his to wear and he gets one of your necklaces so you two have lowkey couple items

Jimin makes sure he calls/texts you everyday and he never ever (e v e r) forgets the good morning/night texts

There are so many nights where you two stay up way too late texting each other and you’re both smiling at your phones and Jungkook keeps teasing Jimin about it bc that’s the job of a best friend

He is a king of selfies, even his “ugly” selfies are cute like how he makes the weirdest angles that should not make anyone look good actually look really nice is beyond me I don’t get it I’m fully convinced he’s a secret model

He sends tons of selfies bc he wants you to know he’s thinking about you and he sends lots of pictures with Jungkook’s dog bc two puppies in one shot that’s a good deal

He also takes lots of pictures with the rabbit Tae gets and that’s equally as cute bc he keeps calling her his niece and he sends this one clip of her hopping around and you can hear his giggle in the background

Skype sessions with chim though, he’s in one of his really huge hoodies and he’s got a snack bc your Skype/Facetime sessions normally last a couple hours

The two of you will do anything from watching the same movie at the same time so you can watch it together to just talking to listening to music together to eating meals together, it’s always really chilled out but it’s nice to be able to spend that time together

He gets s o excited when you tell him you’re flying over, he just about cries bc he’s so so so happy

He makes sure his apartment looks cute before you get there bc the last he wants is for you to walk in and see a pair of his boxers on the bed

He’s just really excited and kook and tae are officially in charge of teasing him about it but they’re of course excited and happy for him

He buys a bouquet of your favorite flowers to greet you with and some sweets and he has this whole day planned for you bc he’s so ready to show you around Busan

“I’m on my way to the airport, I’ll be waiting!!!! I wore the shirt from my last video, you said it was cute, don’t worry I washed it”

“Jimin, my plane hasn’t even taken off yet”

“Well tell the pilot to hurry, I gotta hold my bby asap”

[iintotheocean-blog]

Sure be cool if you did

Well the school year is almost over. Can you believe it? I made it through an entire year of college. Again. I didn’t accomplish many things I wanted to, though. But I guess thats what next year will be for.

I’m moving home next week. Back to my parents’ house for the summer. I’ll be working at the security gig again, but back at the bottom. None of this $18/hr crap, now I’m making $10.50/hr. Isn’t that great. But at least I’ll be back with my old buddies and we can have a good time for the next few months.

Kim moved away. To Seattle. She’s been on the road for the last 2 days. Probably got there by now. I’m kinda sad about that. If there was ever a chance (there wasn’t) it’s gone now. Then again, I may be moving to Seattle in a few years anyway. I want a condo with a nice view. Hopefully this degree will help with that.

I’ve been doing better in school. The first half of this semester was a disaster. I fell down into a depression again. I could barely get anything done. I couldn’t concentrate, and I was just miserable. I started seeing a counselor, and eventually a psychiatrist. We think I may have ADHD-PI, which may be the base cause of a lot of my issues. The concentration, procrastination, forgetfulness, social isolation, anxiety, etc. I’m supposed to receive a ritalin prescription this week or next. Hopefully it will come in before next Friday, because I have to move to start working. Anyway, I have a lot of hope.

Lol, the above paragraph is pretty common of my ADHD. I was going to describe how my semester has gotten better lately, but turned into something else. Anyway, my semester got better. Not socially or mentally, mind you, but academically. I’ve been keeping myself busy with schoolwork to avoid boredom. I get bored so easily, it sucks. But it’s good for schoolwork sometimes I guess. 

I had to make a virtual stack machine in Java as a semester project. I was anxious about it and putting it off all semester. Yesterday, I opened it up and took a crack at it. And finished it. In one day. I’m really good at programming, I’ll give myself that one. I’m really proud of that stack machine too, because it really goes to show how far I’ve come since coming here. It often feels like I’m not learning anything (anything useful anyway), but I now intricately understand stacks, callstacks, assembly, processor architecture, databases, and a variety of other things. This fall, I’ll be taking one of the most difficult classes in the course, Data Structures and Algorithms. Hopefully with my programming skills and the help of the ritalin, I’ll do well.

So, I’ve been losing weight as well. Like, a lot. I’ve lost 25 pounds since I started working at it last fall. Granted, that’s not as much as it could be, but its still good. I’m at 171 right now. I’ve actually been losing fat, even though I’ve been platueued at the same weight for the last 3 months. I’ve been hitting the gym consistently. I think it really helps manage a lot of the depression and anxiety I feel. I’m gaining muscle mass and have upped weight on most sets. Hopefully by this fall I’ll have shaved off the rest of this fat and have a beach bod.

I was feeling pretty down about my looks for a while. Feeling fat and ugly and undesirable. Short. I don’t know. I posted some pictures on /r/amiugly and the response was an overwhelming NO. In fact, I received over 20 comments telling me I’m attractive. One girl even gave me a 7.5/10, one said I was “really freakin cute” and another said “I’d date you.” So, I’ve actually been feeling better about my looks lately. Which is good, because thats always been one of the big things that keeps me socially isolated.

So, social isolation. I’ve been feeling pretty lonely lately. Ha. It’s funny. I remember starting this blog in 2015 and I had just started feeling lonely. Before I started this blog, I was actually quite happy with being single. I had been in that messy relationship for 2 years, and being free and unchained was a huge boon to my mental health. I felt confident back then too, like I could easily get girls. I mean, when I was in a relationship I could barely keep them off of me. Lol, not really. But it felt that way sometimes. I was very confident and easily talked to girls. In fact, one of the biggest reasons I left Amanda was because I felt like I could do so much better. Who knew I’d end up where I am now?

It’s been 3 years since I’ve been in a relationship. It’s been over 6 months since I last got laid. just over 7 I think, actually. And that was a fluke. She only slept with me to get back at Casey. I tried to woo her again a bit over a month ago, but even with a bottle of wine and an evening spent at her apartment, nothing happened. I just have no game anymore. I should be able to woo girls. I mean, we’ve already slept together, I’m attractive, we had alcohol in our systems, and we spent at least an hour on the topic of sex. And yet...? Nada. I don’t know.

That’s what really bothers me. I don’t even try anymore. Before, I tried and failed. That sucked, but at least I tried. I mean, think about it. Christina, Amanda, Courtney, Tiffany Judy, TCU chick, Kim, exchange program chick, Hannah. I may even include Lauren in that list. I mean, most of those led to nothing, but at least I made an effort. Now, I don’t even try. I don’t know why not. Let’s try a thought experiment.

I see a gorgeous girl sitting alone who I feel is in my league. I want to talk to her. What happens? I should talk to her. I just walk away. Nothing goes through my mind, no feelings occur other than shame. Why do I walk away? If I start to approach, I get nervous. The more I approach, the more nervous I get. Some thoughts run through my head, like “What do I say?” or possible openers. My heart starts racing. I start feeling nauseous. The hairs on the back of my neck stand up. If I give it an attempt, I come off as very nervous and kind of weird. I can’t think of anything to say other than general small talk. Either she gets up and leaves or I do. I spend the rest of the day feeling like COMPLETE shit, replaying the embarrassment in my head, playing alternate conversations in my head, and may even consider suicide.

Wow. Yeah. Okay. That sounds like social anxiety to me. Thats just ridiculous. The weird thing is that its only when it’s in that context. Need to talk about academics? work? Ask to borrow something? No problem. Hmm. Maybe that should be my opener then. Hey, do you have a stapler I can borrow? Then while I use it, just talk about what I’m doing, ask her what shes doing, etc.

Alright. Lets try another thought experiment. You’re at the bar. You see a girl you would like to talk to sitting alone, or is obviously the only one in the group w/o a boyfriend. You’ve been scoping her out and she’s available to talk to. You’re slightly drunk. She’s drinking too. A good dance song is on. What do you do?

I think about it. I tell Casey. He encourages me to go over there. I say no and laugh it off. Then feel shame. Alright what happens if you decide to walk over. I walk over, drink in hand. I approach from the front-side so she doesn’t get spooked. I stop next to her, and say hi. She says hi. Assuming she doesn’t ignore me, look at me weird, or tell me to fuck off, I ask if she would like to dance. If she says no, thank her for her time and leave. Feel dejected. Start drinking heavier. Go home and hate myself. If she says yes, tell her, “I gotta warn you though, I’m new to two-stepping.” If still yes, then take her hand and walk onto the dance floor. Get her name, ask her if she goes to school here. Eventually take the conversation off of the dance floor. Try to get her number.

Ugh. See. It’s not that hard. It’s all in my head. ITS ALL IN MY HEAD. Why?? Why can’t I make it stop. Fuck. Well. Fuck. I hope the Ritalin solves this somewhat. I read online that it can help immensely with confidence. I believe it. When I popped molly I was very social and not anxious at all. Same with shrooms, kind of. Well, I guess we will find out. 

I just hope this social isolation ends soon. I’m driving myself crazy. I’m actually just typing this because I have no one to talk to right now and I just need to get some of these thoughts out of my head so I can relax. They won’t leave until I start letting them out in some way or another. I can’t handle being alone anymore though. I find myself pretending I have a girlfriend when I’m alone. Grabbing at the air, closing my eyes and imagining I’m cuddling, having pretend conversations with the chair next to me. Talking about my day to the only thing that will listen. I’ve actually written more on this post than I wrote for my semester essay. Lol. Fuck.

Anyway. It’s going to be really awkward if anyone ever finds this blog. They’ll think I’m insane or something. Pretending to talk to someone. They probably just don’t know what it’s like to be so isolated by your own mind. It’s terrible. It’s a living hell that I wouldn’t wish upon anybody.