#i gotta find a way to unlearn this shame

[ribcagefighter]

something i guess. i really struggle with wrt just kind of being myself is just the amount of shame i carry for just liking my interests. i remember being on this webbed site in like 2011 running a fandom blog and just enjoying my time as a 12 year old or whatever but something happened along the way (bullying and ostracism from my peers until i became ashamed of who i am and began to beat down those parts of myself that genuinely enjoyed things) (which i do not recommend)

so it is strange to see what i recognize as crazy i mean neurodivergent fandom behavior become the norm across all social media sites. like 12 year old me would eventually be so ashamed to use these character AI’s but EVERYONE and their fucking mother is obsessed

[grison-in-space]

Is it fundamentally unethical for people to eat publicly indoors, since they can't wear a mask while doing so and no amount of ventilation will prevent them from expelling saliva droplets while doing so?

No, particularly not if they are in a space that is designated for that purpose so that people can plan accordingly with respect to their own risk levels.

My orientation is harm reduction, not virtue ethics. My lens assumes that individual people are modulating their behavior according to their overall circumstances and ability, and that the best way to change behavior is to emphasize evidence based structural practices that make safer behavior easier. These are some of the central insights that we learned from activists during our last major plague.

Shaming people tends to result in all or nothing behaviors rather than an overall reduction in harm, just like increasing anxiety and fear generally in an environment does: fearful individuals may avoid danger by freezing and not engaging in a risky behavior as frequently... Or they may simply engage in a risky but rewarding behavior impulsively, when a potential opportunity seems to arise, and reduce the amount of time that they spend thinking about ways to reduce risk.

I want people, as much as possible, to think about risk as something that can be assessed fairly objectively and to think about their decisions as tradeoffs made subjectively based on individual context and values. And I want them to understand that different people have different trade offs to make. Metaphorically, fearful people freeze in place or bolt across roads without pausing; I want to teach people to look both ways before they cross. Is it ever ethical to cross a road? How many lanes of traffic? Are there lights? Can we put lights in?

Shaming people and blaming them for any suffering also dramatically increases the likelihood of those people experiencing trauma from an extended stress. If stress is a wound, trauma is like a scar: it persists as an understanding of the risks of the world that we can't unlearn, even when the immediate stress is past. The trouble is that we are social creatures, and our bodies weigh the value and strength of our social connections—how safe we feel within our networks—as dearly as they weigh the bread in our mouths, using the same scales to do so.

No human survives alone. Who would stand watch as we sleep in case of leopard? We are all reliant on the social connections and contacts we weave with one another. So when we find ourselves feeling that our fellows wouldn't protect us if we are in danger, we learn that our stressor is even riskier than we thought: we can't rely on our social networks to protect us if they think we deserved it. So we etch the fear into our brains with the vigilance of the human who can't rely on the group for protection and support.

Is it ethical to engage in behavior that might harm my neighbor? Which neighbor? Who can say?

You gotta stop the little Calvinist asshole in your head from doing your thinking for you. It's not about preventing transgression, it's about preventing harm—and harm is multifaceted, contextual and often conflicting. The best I can do is let everyone judge their risk for various things as accurately as they can.

[penroseparticle]

Penrose Song of the Day Day 41: Feel Good by Gibbz ft. Russ Liquid

I'm having trouble writing because I'm having trouble deciding what's worth saying. What is there to say that hasn't been said already. I'm but one monkey with a typewriter, cut me some slack.

I've been thinking about taste, and recommendations, and what the music we like says about us. I've been thinking about arrogance, and cruelty, and a little bit about No True Scotsman fallacies, too. I just. I don't know. What is "good" music and why are so many people fans of "bad" music.

I don't think bad music even exists, at least not really. I think music like any medium has so many competing and often contradictory delivery methods, goals, audiences, and interpretations that a categorical verdict like that is, frankly, Quixotic. I think about things like Throbbing Gristle and Clown Core, like Taylor Swift and Imagine Dragons, like Jungkook and 21 Savage and JVKE and Drake and AJR and all of the people who would say you're not listening to "real music" or "good music". There's a pity that's normalized with the superiority of your music tastes.

On the other hand, the more you learn and deeper you dive into anything, the more repetition you hear. The more you see things as hackneyed or trite. You've seen it before, heard it before, etc. You learn when someone was stolen from, when an artist is just rehashing something or taking from an entire genre/subculture that they weren't part of. Wider eyes see the ugly truths right?

I don't know. It's tough. I wonder if there's an answer that's satisfactory.

I saw Gibbz live, actually. Back in... 2017? I was seeing... I think A SIlent Film? With my good friend Katie. This was back when she would suggest we go see a band and I would just say yes. I think Gibbz opened. I don't remember. Shout Out Rock and Roll Hotel, I miss that venue.

Gibbz wasn't what I was expecting. A little smooth, a little mischievous. Like a wink between good friends. Electronic but soulful. A Silent Film was more classic, traditional rock. Gibbz was one guy at the front with a synth and a crooner's deathgrip on the microphone.

I went up and spoke to him after his set. It was a small venue, he was an opening artist, I just told him I loved his stuff and I really loved I Really Love You (which is still my favorite Gibbz song, for the record). He was kind. He said thanks, and how it was humbling to be playing live. It was a nice interaction.

I think, given the time and money to do so, I want to get back to doing this. Just going to shows blind, of artists I've never heard of, in genre's I've never imagined.

What does all this have to do with taste. I meander, I know. I'll bring it back.

I think I have pretty basic, milquetoast tastes. I like pretty average music. I have a passing interest in things with more obscurity- I like melodic forms of metal, I keep a finger on the pulse of industrial for Lauren. I'm finding myself drawn more to house, classical, and jazz. I like Math Rock.

But cards on the table, my favorite type of music with a bullet is Hot Pop Girlies Having Fun (tm). The Sabrina Carpenters. The Dua Lipas. My second favorite type of music is apparently Men Being Sad (the Hoziers of the world). I don't think that's ever going to change. And I'm trying to be more ok with that. I'm trying to stop letting audience or surveilance or observation change what I like and what I enjoy. I'm trying to unlearn shame.

I don't know. I just want to listen to something I love. You know?

I've stopped sharing music with a lot of people in my life (I'm aware of the irony of having that rumination on this kind of post, thanks). There's like 3 people I share music with IRL and I basically only listen to music with headphones these days. I want to make music one day but I'm struggling to see what the point is. I gotta remember the effusive joy that comes from creation, but I also need to remember, somehow, some way, that sharing music is good, actually.

Anyways, enjoy this song. I hope you feel how this song feels, at least to me. Chill, soulful, grateful to be alive, and above all, I hope that you feel good.

You could be dead right now. Go listen to something you love.

[dukeofankh]

i LOVE your post re male sexuality / ex christian recovery.

i debated whether to comment bc it’s an extremely personal topic, you know how strangers love to be overly familiar, but man your post really slaps!!

i went through a similar process as a man. and i think most men are somewhere on that road as well, even if many get lost. but you’ve clearly achieved this clarity and confidence, really pushed through a tangle of guilt and reactivity that is so confusing and horrible to live with, and i think that’s so cool.

gay guys prob have it a bit easier bc less of the standard messaging/dogma really applies to us, plus our male sexuality is mutually enjoyed — easier to find pride when it’s reflected back at you so self-evidently positive. if that makes sense.

basically, massive props to you for wading through it with women. that’s gotta be WAY harder imo. bigger cultural “predator” messaging, less familiarity, less simplicity. much less support available for healing bc so many people STILL buy the dogma.

wow long message, my bad. just saying i’m really impressed. you’ve got a solid foundation now for incredibly fulfilling relationships and you’re making the most of it. awesome!!

Thank you so much for your kind words! I've been getting so much positivity from this and it has honestly entirely shocked me.

I definitely feel like I'm still working at it, and I'm fully in my thirties, so it's a lot longer of a path than I ever thought it would be when I stopped believing in god and thought "well, good thing I'm putting all this I Kissed Dating Goodbye crap behind me."

In addition to just revelling in the praise (which I am working to accept and celebrate, considering how readily and openly as I would have internalized it if it had been criticism) I do also wanna respect and commiserate the connection between multiple identities and our experiences, because I've been getting so many different sorts of people seeing themselves in this post.

Your experience as a gay guy makes so much sense. I'm so happy you get to have that direct reflection of your own desire within your partner. An ally against self-loathing. Both a willing and eager recipient of your sexual hunger and someone who expresses that hunger right back.

I've also been hearing from trans women who have to still deal with the socialized self hatred that they've struggled to unlearn even after transitioning.

I've been hearing from cis wlw who have had to unlearn feeling like a predator, a wolf hidden among sheep.

I've heard from transmascs struggling to move past the fruitless task of trying to navigate the perceived dissonance between pure cinnamon roll queerness and evil, predatory masculinity.

And I do also want to give a shoutout to women who suffered the womens end of purity culture in a very straightforward way, the learned fear, the slut shaming, and who are telling me that they just...hadn't ever heard this side of it before. I love finding people who understand where I'm coming from, but I also deeply cherish when people get the chance to share and build community with people who have different perspectives. I've learned a lot from their stories over the years, and getting to share mine as well is lovely.

Like, it does suck for everyone. We do not like this system. I love that we can find community and solidarity in our struggle with something that has caused us so much pain, even as it takes all these different forms.

I know I did tell someone pretty early on that I am zeroed in on the masculine experience of this system, mainly because I was worried about that experience being erased and subsumed into a very different conversation but that hasn't happened, and it's made me feel really great.

Thank you!

[that-crazy-five-foot-two-chick]

You ready? Cuz ITS FRIDAY WHOO!!

This week I am asking what is one (or a few) of your favorite lines of dialogue that you've written? :D

So this turned into an actual database of excerpts that took me half a day to compile but have at it (some that come from very earnest parts of my heart and a lot that just make me cackle):

Kitten:

"I don't know or care what you're implying about me, you jerk, but you can keep your nose out of Al's business." Ed's voice softened. "Anyone that innocent, especially after all we've been through, deserves to be able to stay that way."

-

[Ling] "You wound me so, Edward! Where was the kinship we shared when we ate your boot?"

You Infect Me:

[it's so freaking dumb but you gotta give me points for creativity]

[Saeyoung] He grabbed a bottle and a bag and took a running start. He leapt like February 29th! Spun like a silkworm! And flopped like diving flippers! Onto the couch.

-

“What have you been doing all day anyway? Hacking into government files? Destroying the world one cat at a time?” Saeran shuddered. “Making those stupid TokTik videos?”

-

Saeran rolled his eyes. "Just get in the shower. Maybe when you get your pants off, you can get on the toilet and relieve some of that emotional constipation."

Blind Trust:

"HOLY FUDGE NUGGETS ON BACON ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME???" [MC]

-

[innuendo ahead; MC and Vanderwood]

"Do I otherwise have to wear anything in particular? That's not a lot to go off of."

"Doesn't matter to me. Now go change before I do the job myself."

"I wouldn't complain."

"This is not that kind of date! Go!"

"Fine, Sir Panties-in-a-bunch."

-

[Vanderwood and MC, after sassing]

"Such a docile wife I have. Never difficult, never demanding."

"You think it's sexy. Don't even try to deny it."

"I would have filed for immediate divorce if the description 'docile' actually fit you."

-

"...I've long come to the realization that every person is hardwired to desire love of one kind or another. I know I'm still unlearning all of my coping mechanisms, and I know I'm still sharp with some people, but with you?" [Vanderwood] smoothed a hair back from her face. "I'll take whatever love you can give me."

-

MC cackled. "You cannot be serious. I've got to be a mess right now."

"You act as if that's a contradiction. It's the mess that makes you more beautiful."

-

"Shame indeed," MC parroted, trying to steal another kiss from his lips and stealing one from his nostrils instead.

-

"You think you can charm your way out of anything," MC responded airily. "Well, you're right."

-

"Vandy…" She exhaled. "We've gone over this whole 'not deserving it' thing. Whether you deserve it or not doesn't matter. To me, what matters is your heart. You have such a beautiful heart, Vandy."

Waste It on Me: [spoilers for anyone who hasn't read it, but it's one of my top favorites]

Vanderwood growled in frustration. "Why is it so hard for you to believe that you deserve good things and that those things aren't unrealistic?" He ran a hand through his hair. "Why do you think it's such a waste of your time if you know what you want and what you don't want and if it could make you happy?"

"Because I've lived over a quarter of a century and not seen it once, Vanderwood!" Her voice broke. "Not once."

He gritted his teeth. "Fine then, MC. Fine. If love is nothing more than just a waste of your time, why not waste it on me?"

Golden Eyes and Golden Drinks:

[Winry re: Edward] "Who's off-brand Gerard Way in the corner?"

-

[Winry and Edward]

"I'm trying very, very hard to keep this to a stage whisper, but if you keep trying to set me up with some random creep, I won't be able to!"

A distinctly male voice grumbled, "I'm not a creep."

"Keep telling that to the girls on Tinder. I'm sure they'll understand eventually."

"Yeah, and I'll bet if you look at your 'Live, Laugh, Love' sign a little more, you'll understand it eventually."

-

[Ed and Winry; I'm proud of this one for the ADHD rep]

And for your information, coffee doesn't really help me wake up. It just helps me focus on homework." He lifted up his empty cup and gave it a shake.

"That's the weirdest thing I've ever heard."

"ADHD is a weird thing, and yet, here I am."

I Want Your Lips More Than Your Repair Bills: [Winry POV]

But maybe, just maybe, kissing Edward would make him forget the scars on his heart. Just for a moment. His smile was like the noonday sun, and she would get to feel it pressed against her own lips. In the end, his happiness might just be the real reward.

Elric Escorts: (including all my chapter titles)

As [Edward] looked through the front door, three thoughts jumped to the forefront of his mind:

Holy mother of Jesus, she's gorgeous.

Being the kid of a former pastor really takes a toll on your use of expletives.

How does a woman so small carry a bag so gigantic and heavy?

-

[Winry and Ed]

"The plating design seems awfully familiar though...what company made your leg?"

"It was actually some local hag. Name's Pinako Rockbell."

"WHAT?"

"Alright, alright, geez, I'm sorry I called her a hag. She's always on my case for every little thing, though."

Winry's expression of utter shock remained unchanged.

"Is it that I go to an independent outfitter? I would have thought that you'd be more understanding, considering your family business and all."

Winry finally spoke up. "No, it's not that. Pinako Rockbell is my grandmother. Granny and I run the family business. So yeah. I'm Winry Rockbell."

-

[Alphonse, to Edward]

"Or, you know, I could just send myself your cringiest selfies to use for blackmail. Fyi, angling them from below doesn't make you look taller. It just makes you look like a Facebook mom."

-

[Mei] "I just like the idea of stabbing people for a living," she said, looking up at Al sweetly.

-

Alphonse snickered. "The cat's name is Jeff?"

The corners of Mei's mouth twitched. "Jeff Bezos, actually."

"What?" Al laughed incredulously.

"The owners have a peculiar sense of humor. The way they explained it to me, they thought that the idea of telling a billionaire to stop pooping on the carpet was amusing."

-

The aforementioned cat was vastly uninterested in discussing their shared past, finding herself more keen on making sure a certain giant stranger was worthy of their presence. The intruder held out a hand smelling suspiciously of her best friend's makeup. Maybe he stole some! Xiao Mei bravely came to her friend's defense, biting the giant's hand as hard as she could. Alas! He barely even flinched!

-

Basically, any AlMei that I've written are my favorite lines.

If anyone got through all of this, I applaud you but also wonder what the heck you're doing with your life. You must really like my writing for some reason.

[buggerup-busters]

green-eyed monsters - a very basically named Voss playlist!

Spotify Playlist Here - These are in a sort of order following Voss’s arc, so I recommend not shuffling! Explanations + favourite lyrics under the cut :) Best Voss tunes are starred *

Drag - Placebo

Get Over It - OK Go *

Alpha Dog - Fall Out Boy

I Don’t Care - Fall Out Boy

Juliet - Lawson

Emperor’s New Clothes - Panic! At The Disco *

Don’t Ask Me - OK Go

 It Will Come Back - Hozier *

All Star - Smash Mouth

1. Drag - all of it really but especially You're always ahead of the pack, / I drag behind, / You possess every trait that I lack, / By coincidence or by design - and -  I just gotta get off my chest / That I think you're divine 

Basically it’s when they’re in the army and Wolfe is better than him at every turn, so Voss is mad but also kind of looking up to him

2. Get Over It -  Makes you sick, makes you ill, / makes you cheat, slipping change from the till. / Had it up to the gills... makes you cry while the milk still spills. Ain't it just a bitch? What a pain... / Well it's all a crying shame. / What left to do but complain? Better find someone to blame. 

Voss blaming everything on Wolfe being so good at stuff and thinking he deserves better mostly. 

3. Alpha Dog - I don’t even remember specifically, it’s just the vibe really the alpha dog/wolf thing and sort of competitiveness, I love FOB and this one’s a banger. Oh wait it’s like about the images built up by showbiz and feeling trapped by it, so that can be Voss when he’s stealing talents and stuff. 

4. I Don’t Care -  I don't care what you think as long as it's about me / The best of us can find happiness in misery -  Voss ignoring knowing stealing the talents is wrong because he wants the attention, especially from Wolfe

5. Juliet -  People stop to turn and stare / Everywhere she goes / Dollar signs and crimson hair / She will steal your soul - It’s more Voss stealing talents time!

6. Emperor’s New Clothes -  If it feels good, tastes good / It must be mine -  I'm taking back the crown / I'm all dressed up and naked / I see what's mine and take it - Oh wow I just really like Voss stealing talents tunes I guess

7. Don’t Ask Me -  Quit acting so friendly. /  Don't nod don't laugh all nicely.  /  Don't think you'll up-end me. / Don't sigh, don't sip your iced-tea. / And don't say, "It's been a while..." / And don't flash that stupid smile. /  Don't ask me how I've been - this is so fun and dramatic and it’s Voss being mad that Wolfe is still nice 

8. It Will Come Back -  You know better babe, you know better babe / Than to smile at me, smile at me like that / You know better babe, you know better babe Than to hold me just, hold me just like that

I know who I am when I'm alone / Something else when I see you / You don't understand, you should never know / How easy you are to need 

Don't let me in with no intention to keep me / Jesus Christ, don't be kind to me / Honey don't feed me I will come back

Can't be unlearned / I've known the warmth of your doorways / Through the cold, I'll find my way back to you / Oh please, give me mercy no more / That's a kindness you can't afford! / I want you baby tonight, as sure as you're born

Oh god I love Hozier in general but this is Voss feeling guilty and hating himself after GEM and wishing Wolfe wasn’t so kind to him when he doesn’t think he deserves it, bonus points for like the wolf howling and stuff. 

9. All Star - added while drunk after getting emo about Widdershins at the bar, I can’t explain but I trust myself on this one. A ‘good luck for the future’ song from me to Voss I guess

[yikesola]

do you have an tips for a high schooler struggling to accept her sexuality in a christian, homophobic (even though my parents say they aren’t, they definitely are) household? im positive im a lesbian but ive had a hard time coming to terms w/ it after years of being told and lowkey believing myself it was wrong until the past few years when i sorta realized my attraction to women isn’t just nothing, it’s actually because im not straight, but idk it’s hard for me i guess

hi anon! first thanks for trusting me with this ask, i hope i can help in some small way🥰 next know that this will be pretty general advice, i’m just a gal and i don’t actually know you, but if you take it with a grain of salt hopefully it’ll do some good!

i’m sorry you’re stuck in that scenario right now, where even after all that work you’ve done to try being confident with your sexuality it isn’t safe or comfortable for you to be open. combining religion with the fact that your parents won’t even admit to their own homophobia despite it still effecting you is a tough spot to be in. it can feel trite as go-to advice, but really really i have to tell you that it does get better. you will Not be in this situation forever! you will be somewhere safe and accepting soon, somewhere good! if you’re already in high school, you’re over the hump— i know these aren’t fun years, but once they’re gone you have so much more agency (be it college, roommates, working, whatever your situation is). let’s quote danny boy in BIG, because he’s quite right: “Time changes everything. With the lives that we have, we can try anything we've dreamed of. I want anyone that's ever felt like this to realize you are never trapped. There is always hope. You just need to believe in yourself and get to the other side.”

now, saying that time changes everything and this won’t be so bad later doesn’t exactly help you now, does it? but i gotta take every baby gay i see and shake them by the shoulders and remind them, i GOTTA!

as for right now? do not feel pressure to divulge more than you are comfortable with. you are not lying by remaining in the closet, you are staying safe. if you have someone who you are able to be out to, someone that you trust, that can be a tremendous relief, but if you do not your safety is important. you’re playing a waiting game, til you’re not in high school and not under these homophobic parents’ roof.

remember that heteronormativity is a hell of a drug! a lot of your verrrry gay interests will fly under the radar so long as you don’t spell things out for more perceptive people, so don’t stop yourself from loving the things you love. those are your lifelines!

i’m here, the internet is here, the phandom is here and other wonderful interests are here, so please do not feel alone and please do not be afraid to make online friends who are every bit as valid as irl friends and can be there in your pocket when you really really need them.

and for lesbian specific tips, i’m glad you’ve made such strives the last few years to unlearn a lot of that shame you were carrying! 🥰 growing up in a religious household obviously came with a lot of that built in and mustn’t have been easy at all. i find a lot of comfort in reading about historical lesbians, even just pouring through wikipedia pages (why don’t you start with willa cather, annemarie schwarzenbach, joe carstairs, anne lister) because it means a lot to me to know we’ve Always been there, that we Always will be, that we’re interesting and nuanced and nothing to be ashamed of. even biblical ruth has some famous queer readings. we have deep roots💞

[fairycosmos]

Hi sorry to bother you but things have been going really bad lately and i have no one to talk to and i'm just looking for one just one reason to stay alive tonight and make it through to tomorrow because every single thing seems meaningless and please don't feel obligated to help me but if you can please even just a couple of words would help (sorry to beg im kinda desperate lol)

hi my love. i'm so sorry i just saw this idk if we're in different time zones or what but i hope it's not too late. i want to say that it's okay to have nights like this. processing negative emotions, while painful, is not necessarily something to be avoided. it's alright to cry and to break down and to not know what to do sometimes. life is fucking hard, and you're only human. it feels meaningless because we have to create our own meaning and sometimes that doesn't feel good enough, and it takes too long. depression is impatient and cynical. but you're honouring fate just by living the human experience. you're finding reason every day, even if it doesn't seem that way. and ultimately you don't need permission from anyone to be upset. the only responsibility you have is to try and cope in the healthiest way possible. this doesn't have to be some grand gesture, even just staying safe and warm in your bed while you work through the turmoil is something to be so proud of. the biggest trick of the sadness is that it warps your perception and convinces you that it's permanent, that happiness is some far off impossibility, but it's not. it's actually inevitable. the future is ever changing and open, it'll be so much more than you realize. but you gotta give yourself a chance to get to that point by practicing self compassion in the present moment. take a second, breathe. ask yourself what you need (not what you self destructively want) - rest, a distraction, to rant. there may be no all encompassing solution, but the fact that you're surviving it means you're subconsciously learning how to cope in more ways than one. i'm really sorry to hear you don't think you have anyone to talk to. i know exactly how disorienting that can feel. i don't know the details of your situation, but there are often numerous resources than can help you out with this sort of thing even if you don't have much of a support system. there are mental health hotlines and support groups, or you could talk to your doctor to see if they can refer you to a professional. if you're underage there may be a counselor at school you can turn to. i know those ideas are very daunting and seem very distant, and 'that' part of your brain may automatically try to write it off. but i'm just asking you to consider it as an alternative to the cycle of isolation that you're in. people understand more than you know. so many of us are in the same boat as you. and it genuinely is ok to talk about what's going on in your head. any shame you feel is learned, and can be unlearned if you try. the embarrassment you feel when being vulnerable will always lead to progress, but the depression you feel from keeping it all inside will always cause you to regress. anyway i realize that this doesn't help you in the current moment, it's just something to think about. until then, if you're doing everything you can to take care even in the smallest of ways, then you're doing so much better than you think you are. and i'm sincerely proud of you, from the bottom of my heart, because dealing with your own mindset is one of the most difficult things in the world and yet every day, you're doing it. the bottom line is that you're important, your life is significant and you deserve to see what the world wants to offer you. even if you can't believe that at the moment, the relationship you have with yourself will change over the course of your life and eventually you will learn to be without guilt. you're not stuck, i promise. nights like this may persist (or they may not) but they don't negate all of the steps you're taking to help yourself. change is genuinely inevitable and where you're at right now is absolutely not where you're always going to be. that will remain an objective truth, something you can count on - unlike those thought processes that are simply products of falsified self hatred. you are so much stronger and more resilient than you can even fully comprehend. it does apply to you, all of this does. and i get why you find it hard to believe, but you didn't survive all of this for nothing. take it one day at a time dude. if that feels like too much, one hour at a time. even getting through one minute at a time is an achievement. you're not doing anything wrong by trying to survive. like i said before, the world is offering itself to you over and over and it's completely fine to turn away sometimes but you deserve more than rejecting it completely. anyway, please try to remain safe and get some rest when you can. consider your options, and in those moments where you want to go mad, take a step back and find some perspective. i hope you think about reaching out whenever you're able to, and also that you know i'm rooting for you with all my heart. you've got this. it's a bad day, it's the end of the world and her you will survive it with the chance to try again. sending so much love your way. let me know if you need a friend

[imladris-soldier]

Lashes (pt 12)

Bill Williamson is a racist asshole. Everyone knows it. They just punch him and go on about their day. When a Lakota woman joins the gang, everyone expects things to go on as normal, slurs and all, and for a time, it does. But her curiosity gets the better of her, and she finds that hatred is something learned - which means it can be unlearned, if given time, care, and patience. And she has plenty of those… the first two, anyway.

Bill Williamson x OC

The walk back to camp was spent in silence, and Star began to feel the weight of losing Sean. Her chest felt heavy, and breathing was a struggle. Her pace slowed, and Bill noticed. He slowed with her, taking her hand in his. Nothing was said, but he knew.

The camp was eerie and still when they arrived back. Everyone seemed to have split off to mourn in their own way. Arthur still hadn't returned, but knowing that he had survived the ambush and ridden away of his own free will was enough to keep Star from worrying.

Dutch pulled Bill aside to ask for his side of the story, so Star went on alone, taking Brown Jack with her. The horse seemed to notice her mood as much as his rider had, offering Star a gentle nudge with his nose. She scratched his neck as she removed his tack. “You did good, boy,” she murmured softly. He snorted.

Once Brown Jack was taken care of, Star found that she had no appetite for food or company, especially when she spied Mary-Beth crying by the lake. The tension that coiled so painfully behind Star's sternum would eventually have to be released, but she was not comfortable doing so in front of others.

She made her way to the tent she and Bill shared, letting the flap close behind her. Lacking anything productive to do, Star just sat on the ground, arms around her knees. Pressure built inside her, but she was not yet ready to deal with it. For a time, she just wanted to feel it. There was something exquisite about the searing pain of loss. Sometimes it was best to take the time to wallow in it. She was sure that some new horror would bear down on them eventually, and she wanted to have this out of the way before then.

When Bill entered, his gaze lingered on her briefly, but then he went about preparing for bed. It was early, really, but he seemed to have sensed that she had called the day done. Apparently, he had no intentions of leaving her to herself, and it made her heart squeeze in affection.

“Let me see your shoulder,” she murmured as he sat. He shrugged out of his shirt as she got up to kneel behind him, fingers poking gently at the red, swollen flesh surrounding the rip caused by the bullet. “Hand me my satchel.”

He did as told, and she fished around in it for some whiskey and the same poultice she'd used on his shoulders months ago. He flinched slightly when the whiskey hit his open skin, but he didn't pull away. Star dabbed carefully with a rag to get the excess, then put the poultice on the inflamed area around the wound.

As she worked, a drunk, melancholy voice floated through the muggy air to them. Karen seemed to have taken the news... well.

“But the heart throbs on as warmly now/ As when those summer nights were nigh/ Oh, the sun can never dip so low/ A down affection's cloudless sky/ A hundred months have passed, Lorena/ Since last I held that hand in mine/ And felt the pulse beat fast, Lorena/ Though mine beats faster far than thine...”

Karen continued to sing, but it was at that point that Star finally lost her composure. Tears slid down her cheeks, landing on Bill's back. He seemed startled, and she hadn't given him much warning, but he quickly recovered and spun around to face her.

She sobbed quietly, shaking with each expulsion of her grief. For a second, Bill hovered in a place of insecurity, but he finally just reached out and grabbed her into his arms, pulling her into his lap. She sat on his legs and cried against his shoulder, allowing him to just engulf her as she crumpled. Though he had nothing to say, Bill's embrace said everything. If at first it was unsure, it faded immediately as the need to comfort her took over his body. She felt safe, despite all, wrapped up in him.

It took some time for the tears to stop, but when Star began to grow more still and quiet, Bill leaned her out slightly to brush away the salty remnants from her cheeks. She sniffled and looked away, murmuring, “Sorry.”

“What for?” he replied, brows crunching together in confusion.

She just gestured to herself with a shrug.

He let that sit a moment, then pulled her back to his chest. “Y'ain't gotta apologize for havin' feelin's, Star. Not to me. You... you're the first person I ever felt... safe enough around to say some'a the things I've said. And it might... it might kill me if you didn't feel safe enough with me to cry once in a while.”

Star's arms wound around him, and she wished she could simply be absorbed into him, at least for the night. Perhaps the morning would be better, but she did not want to face the future. She just wanted him and their little tent. No more, no less.

They fell asleep pressed as closely together as was physically possible, fingers entwined. Star slept fitfully, dreams full of shadows that hounded after her, but any time she woke, she found Bill at her side, usually snoring, but it was a significant comfort nonetheless.

When the sun rose, Star groaned softly. The world would spin on, regardless of Sean MacGuire's death, and the gang would be expected to do the same. The last thing she wanted to do was attend to chores while Dutch deliberated about his next move. She had half a mind to barge in on him and demand a response, but knowing the level of anxiety that would cause Bill deterred her.

She rolled over to face her lover, smiling wearily at how disheveled he'd become in sleep. His hair was generally a little wild to begin with, but in the mornings it was something else entirely. Her fingers gently passed through it, trying to tame it just a little bit to varying effect. He stirred and blinked sleepily at her. “What you doin'?”

“Have you ever considered some hair pomade?”

He grumbled and rolled away from her, causing her to grin and scoot until she was flush with his back. Her right arm slipped over his side to dangle, at least until he somewhat grudgingly gathered her hand into his and held.

Letting her eyes close once more, Star sighed and pressed a soft kiss to the wound on his shoulder. “Thank you,” she whispered. “For last night.”

“Course,” he murmured. “I know what it's like to hurt like that and... and not have no one. You always got me.”

“Same to you.”

Both fell back asleep for a short while before reality came crashing down. It was ultimately Ms. Grimshaw's usual harping that woke them again, and they knew it was pointless to try and ignore it. Both rose and dressed for the day, but just before they left the tent, Bill caught Star's elbow and pulled her in for a kiss. It was probably meant to be a short boost to start the day, but it turned into something longer and more meaningful.

“If you need me, come find me,” he told her when they finally pulled apart.

“I will. Thanks.” She pressed another quick kiss to his cheek, then pushed open the tent flap, pinning it up. Bill exited as she did so, squeezing her hip as he walked by. She just smiled.

The day passed in an unnervingly normal way. It was almost as though the gang was ignoring what had happened to Sean. Some of it felt like shame – if Dutch and Hosea hadn't pushed playing both sides in the search of some legendary gold, maybe it wouldn't have happened. If this. If that. Ultimately, Sean was dead, and the gang was going to have to make a move.

Karen was drunk before noon, which, in the past, had been Bill's gig. She quickly became unbearable, so Star stayed on the edges of camp with the horses most of the afternoon. The animals needed some hoof work, so she was easily occupied.

Not long after lunch, Star found little Jack standing in front of her looking a little sheepish. “Hi, Jack,” she greeted, putting down Boaz' foot to crouch in front of the boy. “What's going on?”

“Um... I heard you cryin' last night,” he said quietly. “Momma said I should make you somethin' to make you happy again, so I made you this.” He held out a chain of flowers. “It's a necklace!”

Star took the circle of little purple flowers, feeling her chest blossom with warmth. “Well, thank you! It's lovely.”

Jack smiled widely as she put it over her head. “You really like it?”

“Of course I do.”

Jack's face fell slightly and he kicked at the dirt beneath his feet. “Momma says Uncle Sean is dead.”

“Yeah. Yeah, he is.”

“Bad men killed him?”

“That's right. They lied and said they needed our help, but they attacked us and killed Sean.”

“Oh.” His big, innocent eyes look up at her. “I don't want anyone else to die.”

Star put a hand on his head, combing through his hair softly. “Me either. We'll be ok. You'll see. Now, run on and play, ok? But don't go too far.”

“Ok.”

Star stood and watched him go for a moment before returning her attention to Boaz. However, it was quickly stolen once more by the lingering presence of Charles and Bill in the corner of her eye. She finally turned to look at them, realizing at that point that they had been waiting for her to notice. Charles waved her over, so she put down her tools and joined them.

“What?”

“We're going hunting. Do you want to come?”

Star looked over her shoulder at camp. The heat and the tension practically made the air visible. “Yeah, ok. Better than hanging around here, anyway.”

The three gathered up their items, then mounted their horses and rode out of camp. No one asked where they were going or even acknowledged that they were leaving except Lenny, who was standing guard. He just wished them luck and waved.

Charles led the way to north-eastern Scarlet Meadows. The ride was silent, but Star decided that they'd all left for the same reason: camp was stifling. The three of them together would easily bag a couple deer with minimal effort, so it was entirely a trip to get away.

Star's chosen brother more than proved this when he pulled Taima to a stop, got down and just stretched. She hopped down as well, observing him with amusement. “Hunting, huh?” she asked.

His lips twitched into a soft smile. “Yeah. Hunting for some peace.”

Bill jumped down, and Star turned to him. “You were in on this?”

“It was his idea,” Charles said.

Bill shrugged as he unloaded a tent. “Kinda figured you wouldn't mind.”

“I don't. I'm just impressed.”

“Hey, sometimes... I have an idea, alright?”

She smiled. “Fair enough. So, what? We just stay out here for a day or two?”

“Why not?” Charles replied. “Between us, we'll get some food to take back, and no one will be the wiser.”

Star nodded, sharing a glance with Bill who blushed when he realized that she was recalling the last time they'd spent time away from camp together. She just smiled.

Charles and Star hunted a few rabbits to feed them that night, and they all settled around the campfire that Bill built. The night was mostly spent telling stories, and Star eventually asked, “What do you remember of your mother, Charles?”

The big man shrugged, taking a swig of whiskey. “I remember that she always wore her hair in a braid. She would sometimes weave feathers and flowers into it. She seemed to love my father, and he loved her. He was never the same after she got captured.”

Star nodded, ruminating on his answer. As she did, Bill said, “My momma was... well... she weren't too nice. Always liked my daddy better. 'Course, he drank himself to madness. I-I-I told you that story, right? How he mixed his drinks. By the time he died, he didn't know his left from his right. Bad business.”

“My father fell to drink as well, though who knows what killed him. I ran away when I was twelve.”

Bill nodded. “Weren't much older when I left. Fifteen maybe. Wandered around for a while, thievin' and beggin' just to eat. Then I joined the army. That was worse.”

As the two men swapped stories, Star looked between them. There was a time when they might never have said a word to one another, yet here they were, sharing intimate details. While there was a part of her that wanted to take credit for it, the truth of the matter was that there had been a good man hiding in Bill all along. He'd just never felt secure enough to show it.

When it grew late enough, they turned in, and Star finally felt some of the weight leave her.

….

The next day, Star and Charles tracked down a couple deer to take back. Once they were secured onto the horses, the group made the decision to go ahead and return to camp. If nothing else, the deer for stew might lift a few spirits.

When they arrived back, there was no one on guard, and that was immediately troubling. They all exchanged glances, then hurried through the trees to camp. There was a group of people standing outside of Dutch's tent, Arthur among them. Voices seemed agitated and fearful.

Star hurried to Kieran who stood nervously at a distance. “What's going on?”

Kieran jumped when she spoke, putting a hand to his heart. “Jesus. When'd you get back?”

“Just now. What's happening?”

“It's... it's little Jack.”

“What about him?” Charles pressed.

“He's missin'. They think the Braithwaites took him. I seen a couple'a strange fellers lurkin' about earlier. Didn't cause no trouble at the time, but... I guess...” His eyes fell, and he fidgeted with his hands.

Star put a hand on his shoulder, turning to look at Bill and Charles. The latter had his usual calm demeanor about him though his jaw had clenched, but Bill had gone into a full protective rage mode that Star had never seen before. Even she was slightly taken aback by the hostility that had begun radiating off him. But, to be fair, she felt the same.

Dutch marched off towards his horse crying, “I will get that boy back, so help me God... right now!”

Before Star even had time to react, Bill ran forward calling, “Dutch! We just heard about Jack. You need some extra guns?”

“Why not?” their leader replied with a nod. “Micah, Kieran, if anybody strange turns up, kill 'em! The rest'a you, let's ride!”

Every man that wasn't Micah or Kieran mounted up, and Star joined them, already feeling a fiery anger burning through her veins. The necklace Jack had made her was still in one of her saddlebags. He was an innocent child. What kind of monsters made a child pay for the actions of men? All things considered, Star had decided she did not like the South.

The sun dipped below the horizon as they rode out, and a heavy fog fell over the countryside. The air was thick, though it started to cool almost as soon as the sun disappeared. However, the heat seemed to follow the gang, fueled by their anger alone.

“They must've figured out what we was up to, Dutch!” Hosea called.

“Yeah,” Arthur replied. “We got shot to hell by the Grays in town.”

Dutch replied, “I know. I heard. About Sean too. I don't even want to think about that right now. We have to focus on Jack.”

It was almost as if Dutch had taken the thoughts from Star's head word for word and put voice to them. This was exactly the new horror she had wanted to be prepared for. Thanks to Bill and Charles, she was. Grief had turned to rage, and god help whatever back country hick crossed her path now.

John snarled, “I swear, I'll kill everyone there!”

“Easy, John. Try to stay calm!” Dutch soothed. “We gotta keep our heads about this.”

“How the hell did they get to him?!” Star snapped.

“I don't know, but we will get him back, and we will make them pay. I promise you that.”

“What about the gold?” Javier asked.

“Who gives a damn about the gold? They got Jack!” John cried.

With a sigh, Hosea answered, “I hate to break it to ya, but I don't think there is any gold. Or, if there is, it's hidden somewhere no one knows. I've turned every stone.”

“For Christ's sake, Hosea!” John roared. “After all that? Another perfect scam.”

If anything, it was nice to see John finally coming into his role as concerned father for the boy. Star had been waiting and hoping to see it one day. While it wasn't ideal, scaring him into it was working.

“We underestimated them,” Hosea murmured.

“No!” Dutch cut in firmly. “They underestimated us. Enough talk. There is no point arguing how we got here. This is where we are. And we are going to fix it. So come on!”

That was the final word on that, so everyone concentrated on riding and stewing in their indignant anger. The further they went, the more Star felt it burn. It wasn't even the Braithwaites that had killed Sean, but they were going to pay for him too. It didn't matter which snob-nosed white family had committed which crime – they were all the same to her, and they would die for it.

The group passed through some trees, rounding a bend that exposed the elegant driveway leading to Braithwaite Manor. Large, very old trees lined the path, and their branches created a sweeping arc overhead. It was the epitome of wealth and status, and Star immediately felt the urge to chop it all down. Of course, that would be highly disrespectful to the trees, so perhaps the house would have to do.

The manor itself was old yet opulent, at least to her eye. It was two stories, with wrap-around balconies and columns. She'd never seen anything like it, and all she wanted was to tear it down.

As they started down the path, Dutch called, “Ok, get your heads right. Nobody makes a move until I say so. Dismount and come to me!”

They came to a stop, each person jumping down and retrieving weapons from their saddles. Star pulled out the Bolt Action Rifle she'd been given as well as checking to make sure she had her pistol and knife. Once she was satisfied, she joined Dutch by the walled entrance.

“You sure you're ok, John?” Dutch asked.

“I'm fine,” the younger man growled, adjusting his grip on his gun.

“Alright, then. Follow me. These redneck families think they can ruin us? I don't think so.”

The gang fell in behind Dutch, ultimately swinging outwards into a V formation. Star walked between Bill and Arthur on Dutch's left, fingers gripping her gun so hard that her knuckles had gone white. The air crackled with anticipation, raising the hairs on her arms, but in that moment, Star's confidence in Dutch and this attack was all she needed.

“There they are,” Hosea pointed out as several men exited the house, waiting on the porch for them.

“Who steals a god damn boy?” Dutch snarled, his voice rumbling deep in his chest.

“I'm gonna let fly at them sons'a bitches,” John hissed through clenched teeth.

“John, I need you calm,” Dutch told him before proceeding to yell, “Get down here now!! You inbred trash!”

“What the hell do you want?” one of the men on the porch replied with a sneer.

The gang spread out on the front lawn, taking positions within running distance of cover, but positions that also allowed for easy firing. Star stood just slightly ahead of Arthur, brown eyes taking count of the Braithwaites. She counted at least six already outside which gave the gang an upper hand, but there were undoubtedly more inside the house.

“We've come for the boy,” Dutch announced, stepping ahead of everyone. “You must have known we would.”

“Shouldn't have messed in our business now, should ya?”

Dutch took a sharp breath through his nose. “Whatever complaint you have with us... alleged or otherwise... that is a young boy. That is not the way you do things. Hand him over.”

“Get the hell off our land.”

Four or five more men came through the doors on both floors of the house, quickly outnumbering the gang. Star's grip on her gun came just short of causing the wood to creak beneath the strain. The silence that hung in the air was dangerous. Even the night birds had fled, though a crow or two had perched on the branches of the great trees.

Dutch's gaze swept the porches briefly, then, calmly, he replied, “If you ain't gonna be civilized about this...”

The initial shots from Dutch's guns alone took out three Braithwaites. Rage seemed to somehow increase his accuracy as he shot without care, dual-wielding, smoothly sweeping his arms between targets who then fell as commanded. The rest of the gang began firing after the initial shock and awe wore off.

Star skidded behind a parked wagon, firing around the corner. Even if she missed, her bullets would embed into the wood of the house or shatter a window, and she counted that as a victory. To mar the great legacy of these cretins was as satisfying as massacring their progeny.

Within a few short seconds, the Braithwaites present on the balconies were dead. Dutch was already moving up to storm the house. “Arthur, John, Hosea with me! The rest'a you, stay here and watch for any more arrivals.” He ran up, kicking in the door. “Get in there! Find Jack. And find that Braithwaite woman!”

Dutch's voice was so full of rage that it broke, like water on rocks. Every note of his anger flooded through Star, causing her blood to sing. It was dizzying, being so led by his every move. Was this why his gang followed him so loyally? Did they all feel his conviction rolling off him in waves? She had never known anything like it.

While the four of them ran into the house, Star turned her attentions to the fog surrounding the manor. Bill shadowed her as she paced, eyes prowling for the first sign of trouble.

It was ultimately Charles who saw the riders first, calling, “We got more coming in!”

Murky torch flames sped down the driveway, making the targets all too easy to spot. Star went down on one knee to steady her aim, sending a bullet ripping through the skull of one of the riders. For Sean. The others easily took down the rest, but Javier called, “They're in the fields!”

Star jumped up and sprinted around the house to face the orchard. These targets weren't bearing torches, so they were harder to see, but she was a trained hunter. Flickers of movement drew her eye, and the moonlight created just enough shadows.

Her desire for the thrill of the hunt caused her to drop her gun, pull her knife from her boot, and slip into the trees. She whispered through the fog, slitting throats and watering the peaches with blood. The Braithwaites couldn't see her coming, and neither could her friends as they fired skillfully in her direction yet never hit her.

It took very little time to send the Braithwaites running. Star took the time to drive her knife through the temple of one of them, but let the rest go. As she exited the orchard, the guns of the gang came up to face her until Charles cried, “Hold! It's Star!”

Slowly, gun barrels fell away from her, replaced by stares of shock. She could only imagine what she looked like, but if it was anything like she felt, it was probably horrific. Blood dripped down her face and knife arm, staining her clothes and painting her skin a sickening crimson.

As she walked down the line, back towards the front of the house, she felt their surprise. It almost smacked of fear. None of them had thought her the type. But, then again, none of them really knew her to begin with. There were stories she had not told. Not to Bill, not to Charles. No one knew. In short, she did not advise threatening her family.

The gang moved back to the front of the house, watching as John and Hosea set fire to the first floor. Dutch marched out of the house with the Braithwaite woman slung over his shoulder like a sack. Arthur followed behind.

“Put me down, you damn yankee!” the woman screeched.

Dutch heaved her to the ground with a sneering, “There ya go,” then drew his gun to hold on her.

“I never liked you,” she directed at Hosea.

“Why'd you take the boy, Mrs. Braithwaite?”

“You stole my liquor! You stole my horses!”

“Boys are off limits!”

“Ain't no rules in war, Mr...”

“Matthews!”

“Yes. That's it.”

Hosea crouched down low. “Where's the boy?”

Suddenly gathering strength, the old woman sat up and snarled, “My sons gave him to Angelo Bronte. So my guess is Saint Denis. Either there or the boat to Italy!”

Hosea's lip curled, then he stood back up and marched off. “Let's go!” he announced.

“What about her?” Arthur called.

“Leave her,” Dutch declared.

The Van Der Linde gang walked away, leaving a burning legacy in their wake – a signal fire to the world: Do not threaten us, or we will destroy you.

[onceuponamirror]

11 questions game

tagged by @raptorlily, who prepared 11 questions for her tag-ees:

1. The core four + Kevin and Cheryl are attending a literary character party. What costume does each of them wear? Bonus: What costumes are the Southside Serpent characters wearing?

OH BOY. well, betty is elizabeth bennett. her instinct is obviously be nancy drew, but then decides she wants to play dress up a little bit. she tries valiantly to get jughead into a darcy couples costume, but his instinct is to just be sal paradise because he won’t have to buy anything for the costume. 

betty tells him that if she’s not going to be nancy, he should go outside the box too. he then decides on dressing like the titular mummy from jane loudon’s the mummy! (he’s still a weirdo, remember)

veronica goes as daisy buchanan if not purely for the extravagant opportunity to dress like a flapper, archie comes as jim hawkins from treasure island, cheryl bucks expectation and attends as a female robin hood (she already loves archery), and kevin is absolutely sherlock holmes. he’d look so natural in a trenchcoat!

2. What extracurricular activities are Reggie, Ethel, Fangs, Midge, Toni and Sweetpea involved in?

besides sports, reggie’s extracurricular activity is definitely selling ground up oregano to middle schoolers and telling them it’s weed. 

ethel is canonically a drama geek and that’s valid, but she’s also probably in band. i’m gonna go with....flutist. 

fangs is also canonically a drama geek and a regular geek (less we not forget jughead used a larping club to lure fangs out of a self-imposed suspension) so i honestly am just waiting for him and kev to start up their dungeons and dragons club. (wow they are perfect for each other tho??? a dorkier bughead)

midge (RIP) was probably into 4-H bc i can’t get the concept of “klump farms” out of my head. she seemed like a genuinely sweet person who also was a regular teenager and was a cheerleader and probably volunteered at hospitals too idk 

toni wanted to get laid so bad she became a cheerleader. or, ok, seriously i mean my headcanon is like, it’s bring it on, where toni was into gymnastics and dance in a v serious way but southside didn’t offer any curriculars that would allow her to do that, and she couldn’t afford gymnastics herself. turns out the closest thing riverdale has is cheerleading, which’ll do. 

sweet pea is probably the lowkey nerdiest of them all. i was joking earlier that he’s probably secretly into anime, but more seriously: feel like he’d go for basketball officially and also probably has an interest in engineering. i mean, that interest began with pipe bombs, but. yanno. ya dreams gotta start somewhere!!!

3. Give me three of your favourite headcanons for Reggie

had a crush on betty until high school

does his dumbest shit for his dad’s attention, painfully unsubtle about it

is cripplingly afraid of being alone, which is why he surrounds himself by teammates at all times and/or can’t get past the pack mentality. has difficulty being vulnerable in spite of all that, can’t be honest with himself and/or with others. 

4. It’s Saturday night and the core four are all hanging out by themselves at home. What is each of them up to?

betty is listening to the memory palace podcast while laying on her bed, feet crossed up in the air, doing her homework. cleaned her room earlier. wants to call polly. she doesn’t. stays up till two am for no reason other than her room is warm and full of golden light and it’s the only time the house is quiet. plugged back in her old nightlight, half out of spite after polly nearly threw it out, half genuinely. sometimes she thinks she’s still afraid of the dark. the irony isn’t lost on her. 

jughead is working on his novel, american crime story is playing on the TV in the background, a bag of popcorn slowly rotating in the microwave. the trailer is empty and he chooses to think his dad is at work. emails his sister. he doesn’t remember when, but they’ve stopped talking about their mom. his tattoo itches. toni told him not to scratch at it. 

veronica is drinking chamomile tea on a tray, scrolling through pinterest and making a european vacation mood board for the post-graduation trip she’d like to take with her friends. she wants to surprise them with it, all-expenses paid. she resists the urge to book flights years in advance. browses the barney’s website. doesn’t know why she gets such a thrill from online shopping. isn’t sure why she can’t stop. 

archie is in the garage, his fingers strumming aimlessly over the strings of his guitar. wonders why his mother can’t be a lawyer here in riverdale. isn’t sure if music was ever his own, or something he thought he should want, because he didn’t want to work construction. or worse, because a woman found it attractive. brought his history textbook out with the intention to study. doesn’t. practices wonderwall, even though jughead laughs whenever the song comes upon. 

5. What’s your headcanon for Jughead’s hat? Why does he wear it? What’s the origin story?

his mom made it when he was a kid, and growing up in threadbare clothes donated down the line of serpents or thrift store finds, it was the one thing that was truly his---made for him. with love. 

being scrawny and quiet and outgrowing his pants too fast to replace them already set him apart. might as well let the hat seal the deal. 

6. What is your Riverdale guilty pleasure ship? One that you don’t necessarily ship in canon but wouldn’t mind reading fanfiction for?

don’t think i have one, honestly? 

7. Can Chuck be redeemed in your eyes? Any caveats or things that would need to happen to make this count?

yeah, it’s really interesting answer this question post 2x18, but---yes, i definitely think chuck can be redeemed. i never wanted him to be a villain in the first place, for so, so many reasons. 

i mean, comics!chuck was a deliberate bucking of specific stereotypes that riverdale slid right back into without seeming to think about what it was they were saying by doing that. (related readings: x) and then the way they did it---ack. 

outside of the vacuum of comics vs. show, i think that where we’re at culturally, we’re really asking men to unlearn their toxic masculinity. especially of adolescents who are still growing and changing---and what chuck did was certainly part of the vacuum of male privilege/toxic masculinity, but he faced consequences  for that, and then he acknowledged it. actively has announced he wants to change, and i genuinely believe it at this point. 

and while i wish chuck wasn’t the character they’re doing this with in the first place, “cancelled culture” can be really frustrating because it’s way too binary. it undermines the growth and self-crit we want people to be doing. 

obviously, it doesn’t apply unilaterally, some people are abusive or cruel or malicious to the point where they lose their ability to profit off of it, and rightfully so---but with a character like chuck, whose main crime appeared to just be slut shaming, i actually appreciate a narrative where a male character owns up to how that was bad, why it was wrong, and how they’re going to change. 

8. What is a storyline you’d like to see most explored on the show?

just---more familial dynamics. i cannot wait for gladys and JB, i think that’s going to be so meaty and tragic and emotional in the right ways. i want more of polly and betty’s relationship, and/or how betty feels watching her sister run away constantly, or just their dynamic in general. more of archie and fred navigating dreams vs. reality. i kinda don’t love veronica’s parents tho, and i’m not sure where they could take that in a way that i enjoy. 

9. What is your favourite Riverdale fanfic trope or cliché?

pining, man. just. pining. 

10. What is existing scene or storyline would you rewrite to better suit your tastes?

HAH. how much time do we have 

BONUS:  Archie starts a band. He settles on ‘The Archies’ but what were some of the other suggestions for the band name? Name three songs that show up on their debut album.

jughead’s suggestion is: red drum, red drum and he thinks it’s hilarious

three songs: midnight ride, smoking gun, and can’t fly

my 11 questions for my taggees 

1. which twist did you least see coming? genuinely. 

2. we all know riverdale loves hopscotching through genre elements (true crime, musical, grease, etc), and sometimes it’s too much, but which has been your favorite? what other ones would you like to see from the show?

3. riverdale does dirty on its secondary characters. what storylines would you give to reggie, kevin, josie, etc? or, what would you like to see for them in s3? anything you thought the show really fumbled? did right?

4. what are your backstory headcanons for sweet pea, fangs, and toni?

5. what’s your theory on the old riverdale riots?

6. it’s the ten year high school reunion. where did everyone go to college? (core four + the secondary pals) what’s your headcanon for their future careers? who’s still together? who wishes they were still together? who hooks up unexpectedly in a storage closet? 

7. what’s a storyline you just didn’t buy this season?

8. any headcanons for the riverparents? like, how they grew up, who they were in high school, why they went the directions they did?

9. what’s one trope that you’d wish the show would do? or something you wish you saw more in fic?

10. thoughts on reggie? will he ever be fleshed out? will it make him more of a villain, or less of one?

11. if you could have anything happen in s3, what would it be?

and i tag @village-skeptic @stillscape @sylwrites @lessoleilscouchants @myrmidonofmelodrama @heartunsettledsoul @raptorlily (tagging back, bc i want your answers on these too!) @theatreofexpression​ @imreallyloveleee​ 

or anyone who wants to answer!!! just tag me, i wanna see yer answers. these games are fun 

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

Hey! I was wondering if you could advise me on what to do.. I know that I'm bi but I've been denying it to everyone for years. And I don't know what to do, I'm not too sure if I want to come out? My two brothers are bi/pan and trans and my mother is supportive but I've always told them that I was straight so I don't know how they'd react, and I'm really scared to come out. My friends are also either LGBT or allies but I'm always called 'the straight one' So I'm not sure if I should come out?

Hello,

oh boy, I know how that feels like because I’ve been called “the straight one” so much I believed it myself. But if you already know your family and friends are supportive and/or LGBTQIA+ themselves, I’m pretty sure they’d be there for you, too. Obviously you don’t ~have to come out if you don’t want to but it sounds like you have a pretty safe environment to do so if you want to. Maybe start with your bi/pan brother or a bi friend. There’s no shame in coming out later than everyone else. Some people don’t realise they’re not-straight until way into their adult lives.You could also come out in passing, when someone goes “ah there’s the Straight One again” you could sassily say something like “not anymore, your gay agenda has worked on me, muahahahaaaarrr” or whatever. I don’t know if that’s your style, you gotta know for yourself but that’s what I’d say....Anyway, I think you will find lots of support and coming out can be very rewarding. Anyone of your friends (or family) who doesn’t believe you because you used to say you were straight is an idiot because almost all people at some point in their life used to say they were straight. And there’s a hell of a lot of internalised heteronormativity even in queer spaces which isn’t your fault! So anyone who wants to nail you to a Straight cross is either not worthy of your friendship or will have to work a bit harder to unlearn their heteronormativity!

Maddie