#i got. a nat20 on punching the missile

[agdab]

look at my lancer art, boy

[rainbow-squirrels-7]

This time on Hawk’s DND campaign, aka The Kleos Guild... more golden moments

-the players had to find and apprehend a criminal called The Immortal Bandit, and they found him in a warehouse eating cheesy snack crackers (which were off brand cheezits)

-as this was based on Today’s Oh My Gosh, there were actually three bandits who switch places with each other every time one gets knocked out

-they chased the second bandit up three flights of stairs and surprsiingly no one was winded because of those good rolls

-the Bard went around the side of the building and shouted Vicious Mockery insults from afar, including “Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries!”

-the bandits all had mobster accents and they were named Tony, Jahnny, and Vocelli (who was named after our college’s local pizza place, as I couldn’t think of a third mobster name)

-the final bandit fight took place in a very small room that worked a crane apparatus and the Paladin bodychecked the second bandit into the room (at the time they thought there was only one bandit) only to find another identical person in the room, and the jig was up

-the Bard rushed in and got very winded climbing the stairs and had to take a breather

-the Paladin then ended up just sitting on the bandit she bodychecked, and the bandit rolled multiple Strength checks and got 3 every time, so he couldn’t do anything

-the Bard blasted Thunderwave through the window and hit the head bandit, Jahnny, into the wall so hard that he was stuck and couldn’t do anything for the rest of the fight

-the Paladin headbutted the bandit she was on top of (Tony) so hard that his head ricocheted and bounced off the ground twice

-the Monk’s player wasn’t there, so she was kind of in the background, and the players sent her off to go find the third bandit and she found him sleeping in the bunk and basically did a bullet punch straight to the face and came back dragging him and also with a bag of cheesy snack crackers

-the Druid tried to steal some of the money that they had just gotten back that the bandits had stolen and both the Bard and the Paladin were disappointed 

-the next half was in the mines near the city solely so I could have the falling scene from Journey to the Center of the Earth

-there were also mica-like rocks that the Chief of Police Elf lady, Lily, who was helping the players out, begrudgingly explained were called ‘Growing Panes’ because they grow back immediately after they’re broken off, and also because “Miners love puns”

-I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who enjoyed the falling scene

-the Bard failed his Constitution saving throw and swallowed a bunch of seawater when they splashed down

-there was a giant squid fight and the Druid wrapped it up in vines and it was basically calamari in vegetable spaghetti

-the Druid tried to talk to the squid and all he said was ‘GET OUT OF MY POOL’ and then he slapped her

-the pool of seawater they were in had a Deep End and a Shallow End

-the Druid also tried to do some sort of animal calming spell (I can’t remember which one) and the squid’s intelligence was just barely too high. I said he did well in Squid School, which is for Squids 

-the Professional Hero the players had been looking for the entire time, Rowena MacBeard, had the most epic entrance ever by getting the final shot in during the giant squid battle. her throwing axe came out of nowhere and she stepped out of the dark all cool and stuff

-i’m pretty sure the Bard and the Druid both said they were immediately in love with her and were only somewhat disappointed when I said she’s married

-but everyone loved when it was revealed that she was actually married to Lily. they’re the ultimate power couple: the Chief of Police with a real good Magic Missile and a Professional Hero with super throwing axe aim

-the app I use has me name individual fights, so here are some of the highlights: -the fight with the bandit who was eating cheesy crackers was called Don’t Cut the Cheese-the fight with the bandit who was running up stairs was called Wrong on So Many Levels-the giant squid fight was called Squid Squabble

-there was a giant foot-tall diamond in the wall of the cave and everyone rolled really well actually but I didn’t let anything work until the Bard pushed the gem instead of pulling it and then it triggered the water wave trap like in PMD Waterfall Cave

-they got spit out of the cave (which the Druid thought was like the cave was birthing them. i said it was barfing them up instead) right on the beach and they had their own tiny beach episode

-they all did sick stunts while being shot into the water. the Paladin rolled another nat20 on Athletics and did “like half a dozen frontflips super duper fast and ended in a perfect dive and everyone watching was like ‘ohmygosh that was so cool!’”. the Druid got her wooden shield and rolled well enough to surf on the waves as she was shot out, skipping like a tossed stone. the Bard didn’t roll as well and tried to do a swan dive but I said he’d get kicked out of the Olympics and he flopped. the Monk did a bunch of sick backflips

-they got ice cream on the way home from the beach

-Gerald, the man-sized frog in a fancy suit who’s a traveling salesman made another appearance, and it was amazing as always

-I make a lot of the items myself, and i’m very disappointed when no one buys them. it does not work out as well as Fantasy Costco

-one of his items was “Strange Liquid” which was basically Starbucks coffee that gave the user energy and advantage on their next Perception check

-no one bought it

-another item was Druid BrandTM Animal Crackers, which offered Speak With Animals to whatever animal the cookie resembled

-no one bought that either

-and in the end, the players got to the City of Paladins, Gods’ Doorstep, and my Paladin realized she was famous, they met a very very buff Teifling, and they signed themselves up for a Coliseum tournament completely accidentally called The Contest of Champions

-I completely forgot the one in Thor Ragnarok was also called that, but my name for the next session was already called ‘Totally Not Thor Ragnarok”, so there must be something there

-my Paladin may or may not be catching on to the fact that the whole thing is based on PMD

-of course I did base the entire second half of the session basically word for word on the Waterfall Cave scene

-but she didn’t recognize that the first half was also based on PMD, but it was the special episode Today’s Oh My Gosh

-the next few sessions aren’t directly based on PMD things, until we get to the Time Gear equivalent, which I hope she doesn’t recognize. Or at least if she does, she keeps it quiet