#i got scared and kinda kept to myself slowly if anyone recognizes this edit and knows me from it 💔

[shewaslikeasunflower]

dude im 9999% sure i had a downgrade from editing LMFAOAOAOO THIS WAS MY OMORI EDIT FROM A YEAR AGO IVE COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN HOW TO DO THIS

[charbored]

I'd say my life's pretty average.

I am a [closeted to everyone irl] pan & demi trans guy. I live in Sweden and I go to school.

My family is me, mom, dad and my brother.

I yap. A LOT. Especially on here, Ill say almost anything that crosses my mind.

I like to watch things [mostly queer things], youtube, listen to music, be on tumblr, bike, draw, ect. I absolutely suck at drawing things without a reference tho lol.

[EDIT] I have played the violin for 7 ish years and started playing drums a half year ago.

I LOOVEE Helluva Boss/Hazbin Hotel and BRCU, on-and-off obsessing over Heartstopper sometimes, but rn my brain really wont let "It's a Sin" go, I just watched it yesterday so it'll probably stay on my mind for a while lol.

I have never been to therapy or anything like that [my parents would never let me, because "there's nothing WRONG with our sweet girl" -_-] but I have spent quite a lot of time researching mental health things because I feel like I need to know whats going on w me, I have ADHD, BPD, probably anxiety [i think i might be some kind of system too but idk if i really am]. I've previously been struggling with an ED but I know what to do about it now/how to recognize signs of it so i dont relapse.

Sooo, onto my ~✨️life story✨️~ [WARNING: YAP, VERY LONG YAPPING]

When I was in elementary school I was sort of a popular kid, but not in a good way, I was friends with 2 different groups who hated eachother to death and they kept pressuring me to pick a side, my 8-year old self didnt handle that so well lol but ngl it was kinda nice to be a little more carefree.

On to 10-year old me switching schools, and doing a complete 180. Quietest kid youve seen, doesn't talk to anyone, just hangs around, zero friends whatsoever. Noone talked to me, I felt very excluded. That was probably the time I started distracting myself with whatever I could to not let myself think about what was troubling me [still do that], and lying to my family and everyone around me that I'm fine, really [ALSO still do that].

I didn't have any friends for a few years after that so when this one guy wanted to be with me I was overjoyed, I saw him like a savior, like the only one that mattered. I became sort of friends with his whole friend group, but we didnt really know each other, I was mainly focused on TheGuy.

We were "best friends", but it was so exhausting. He created drama with everyone all the time, and I had to be on his side, no matter if it was wrong or right. He had to be my 1st priority, but I wasnt his. I ended up getting depressed [again, got depressed 1rst time when I was lonely] and developed an ED during a period when it was all just too much.

I got better and started hanging out more with other friends and kind of quickly realized that TheGuy was an asshole, I just didnt know it wasn't supposed to be like that :/. Me and him slowly drifted apart since he switched schools. He wouldnt stop talking shit about my one of my best friends so I talked to him less and less.

I ended up cutting him off for good when I found out he was homophobic, transphobic, racist and nazi 💀💀💀 he can go fuck himself

Now my core irl friend group is me and 3 friends that I love so fucking much I genuinely cant explain it and theyre all so amazing and kind and funny. I can be myself [almost. not really ready to tell them some stuff but im very sure theyd be nothing but supportive] around them and since that + acknowledging that I'm queer I've been starting to get a little more carefree again, not really giving a shit of what ppl think about me.

Im still scared to come out because the rest of the ppl in my grade are pretty homophobic/transphobic and the only "openly" queer kids have either switched schools or study from home :/ I'm not even sure my parents would support me, theyre both leftist and "supportive" but give of really mixed signals.

My mom will see me borrow Heartstopper books from the library and talk about how she heard about it from some fans online of *band that is supportive af/maybe probably queer*, and is on tumblr because of said band, looking only at posts from their very queer fanbase. She was with me when i bought a rainbow pride pin.

At the same time she WILL NOT say gay or pride or queer or whatever. And she will walk past me watching a cooking show with a famous trans girl and talk about her using he/him and masculine terms, talking only about whether or not she has done *gasp* t h e s u r g e r i e s -_-

I am kinda hopeful about it tho, especially today when I saw some new kid like 2 years younger or something at school today with pan pins on their bag, and a few others with rainbow ones. I wish Ill gain the courage to do that soon.

Im probably gonna go in theater or art in a year, I've been pretty much burnt out for a few years and wouldnt stand doing something I hate, but I have not came up with any good ideas on how to tell my family that yet.

This is really long Im sorry I kind of intended for it to be shorter but whatever lol lets leave it like this

Tagggsss [no pressure ofc :3]

@mlpandwinxfairypony @stagbel @spookky-aint-spooky @worldsbiggestnerd101

@mushroom-girl89 @oversensitiveandoffputting @crowclubkaz @snackypie

@ anyone who wants to do this <3

Another Picrew Tag game because we can't have too many!

Link

Use this Picrew and talk about your life! (Don't feel pressured to do either tho! <3)

So.. I have a pretty normal life to be frank,

Well as normal of a life a girl with dyslexia and ADHD can have in school, which is bullied, feeling guilt for not being able to do anything sometimes, feeling afraid to tell others about your diagnosis, etc..

I was lucky enough to get a diagnosis, but I do fit most majorities where I'm from, I'm Asian (Indian, but I feel afraid to say that because people may confuse me for being Amarican-Indian/Native American), and Cis, and middle / upper class.

[My mum's a Psychologist and Dad's a founder of a small business that sells diamonds to jewelers]

I'm unsure if I have all the help I need, but I'm mostly good! Still struggle with doing anything related to school/work/whatever at home lol.

I've not told anyone other than my mum about my sexuality, but I don't really need to as I'm young enough to not have others wondering about why I've not tried dating yet, and I usually show attraction to men (Tho questioning if I just had a Lesbian phase of if I'm M-Spec, unsure if i ID as Heteroqueer or Bi), tho there was a rumor in my school that I was lesbian since I was when I was like ~10, and I didn't bother refuting it when I became older

I've recently developed a Hyperfixation on Helluva Boss, since I was forced by my YT recomendation page to learn about Hazbin Hotel, and I wanted to learn about the free spinoff I knew I could watch. Then promptly became obsessed.

Thankfully despite being bullied when I was younger, I still love myself, although when my teachers did say 'They were wrong but you actually need to work on X' because they didn't know I was Neurodivergent, it did affect my self confidence a bit, so now I take medication to help with my ADHD..

I honestly don't remember what past me wanted me to write, so sorry past me if I forgot to type anything you wanted me too

So ya, sorry for yapping, you don't have to lol, just like talking about my life, especially since this one is the first of the chain, sorry if it's a bother

@blitzosicedcoffee @blitzvo @samualjennings @amethystoceandespiser @blitzs-largest-horsiest-dildo @speakofthedebbie @toomuchdivergentformyneuro @imbatman27 and anyone else who wants to join!

(Update: Fixed tags)

[damienthepious]

it’s too goddamn cold&snowy here right now so i dove back into my summer-y-est fic <3

Made A Garden (chapter 4)

[ch 1] [ch 2] [ch 3] [ao3]

Fandom: The Penumbra Podcast

Relationship: Lord Arum/Rilla

Characters: Rilla, Lord Arum, Rilla’s Parents, The Keep

Additional Tags: Second Citadel, Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, (categorized as ‘other’ bc arum is nonbinary when i write him bye), Lizard Kissin’ Tuesday, POV Alternating, canon typical Arum ignoring feelings, edited to feature my Rilla’s Two Dads theory

Fic Summary: Rilla’s parents take her out when they do field work. She’s a smart kid, and she knows how not to get in trouble when they’re caught up with their experiments and research. This time, they’ve taken her to an enormous, beautiful swamp, and their theory is that the monstrous presence in this place should be entirely dormant- which is why Rilla is so surprised, when she meets a monster for herself.

Chapter Summary: A conversation, an argument, and an interruption.

Notes: Please appreciate these children. Please. I care them................ also idk if this needs warning for, really, but i guess chapter warning for an adult Being An Asshole to a child? yeah.

~

"Why did you decide to start actually talking to me?" Rilla asks, laying lazily back on the thick trunk of a fallen tree, her hand draped to trail fingers in the slow-moving water beneath it.

Arum looks away from her, sinking his face further into the water for a long moment before he rises enough to answer.

"Well..." he says slowly, "when I determined that you and your... kin posed nothing of a threat-"

"Which I told you the first time we met," she interrupts in a chirp, and Arum scowls up at her until she laughs. His snout twitches then, a tell she's beginning to suspect means that he's burying a laugh of his own, and then the monster sighs.

"Which I needed to have proven, for the safety of my lands and my own self," he amends, hissing. "I decided that you should have an eye kept on you."

"And..." Rilla tilts her head back, her long braid rolling off the log enough that the end dips into the water beneath her. "You decided to do that yourself?"

Arum raises an eyebrow. "Who else would?"

She shrugs, her shoulder pressing against the bark beneath her. "Mm, I dunno? I just figured- you're the Lord of this place, right?"

"I am," he says, stiff and proud.

"So, I figured you'd, like, have someone else you could send, if you wanted to keep an eye on us?"

Arum growls, though he looks more sullen than angry at the assumption. "Perhaps I simply didn't want to risk any of my subjects in the effort, just in case I was wrong about you."

"In case..." she trails off, and then she blinks. "So, what, you'd risk yourself, first?"

"I can take care of myself," he snaps, his frill flaring quick enough to splash a little halo of water around his face for a moment, rippling across the surface of the pond. "And- and a good ruler is concerned for his subjects before himself, anyway. That is my entire purpose."

Rilla tilts her head a bit more, trying to get a better look at the vague purple blush coloring the webbing of his frill. "Huh," she says, and then his words sink in a bit more. "But- if you got yourself hurt-"

"I can take care of myself," he spits again, and she frowns.

"But if," she insists, "if something bad happened, who would take care of the swamp, then?"

Arum scowls up at her, and then he ducks his head beneath the water entirely. For a second she thinks that he's just going to disappear again, and she sits up, the wet tip of her braid flicking water along her arm, but then Arum reemerges a few feet down the log. He flings himself out of the water like a salmon, then pulls himself onto the log ahead in front of her, easy and oddly elegant.

"You," he growls, glaring at her with his claws digging into the bark, "ask altogether too many questions."

"Is... is that an observation?" she asks slowly, "or do you- do you want me to-"

He exhales an exaggerated huff, then sits back on the log and lets his tail drape over the side. "You may do whatever you want," he says, not for the first time, "so long as you understand that I may do the same. Meaning that I will not answer, if I don't feel like doing so."

Rilla pulls one of her legs up, hugging her knee against her chest and letting her other leg dangle. "Yeah," she says, and then she grins. "Yeah, you've kinda made that pretty obvious by now."

"Good," he mutters, and then he flicks his tail in the water, splashing her leg.

She laughs again, surprised, and Arum's snout twitches.

"Okay," she says. "Okay, mister secrets, I'm totally and completely informed that you're not gonna answer anything you don't want to, but you have to know that I'm still not gonna stop asking." She grins, and the monster frowns at her, and then sighs in an exaggerated way and looks off towards the edge of the pond instead. "So unless you're gonna tell me to stop-"

"I rule my swamp, Amaryllis. Obviously I do not rule you. As I said, you may-"

"Do whatever I want," she parrots, bouncing her head back and forth. "You don't ask questions basically at all, do you?"

"If you wished to tell me about yourself, you would," Arum answers with a shrug, and then- he smirks. Rilla doesn't think she's seen that particular look on his face before, actually. "In fact," he continues, "you have. I don't need to ask, Amaryllis. You are perfectly content to share the bland details of humanity without any prodding whatsoever."

"Humans aren't bland," Rilla says. "Just because you're bored all the time doesn't make everything else boring, it just means you aren't looking hard enough."

"Tell me something interesting, then," he says, leaning his head back and draping himself dramatically across the log, and for half a second he almost reminds her of Marc. She buries a laugh at the idea of the two of them meeting - Tal would get along with Arum better, she thinks - and thoughtfully drums her fingers off her chin.

"What sorts of things do you actually like?" she asks. "I'll be less likely to bore you if I know that much, at least."

The monster rumbles in his chest without opening his eyes, then makes a humming noise. "Blade combat," he says simply. "Music. Pollinators. Translations and ciphers. Questions within questions."

Rilla purses her lips for a moment. "Questions?"

"Indeed."

"So- wait. No, no- we just talked about this. You don't like questions."

Arum glances up at her, then, his mouth curling into a frown. "I think I know better than you do, what I like."

"If you liked questions, you wouldn't get so annoyed at me when I asked them."

"I don't dislike your questions," he says, sitting up again. "I dislike that you assume that all of them will be answered. A decent question will only lead to further questions, and trying to neatly tie anything to a single, simple solution will only reduce a thing from its true nature to a caricature of itself."

"If you can never find the answers, then how are any of the questions useful?"

"It's not about usefulness," he says. "It's about understanding, both the nature of inquiry itself and your own small place in the infinite."

Rilla frowns hard. "Those were a bunch of big words that mostly seemed to mean basically nothing."

Arum blinks, then gives a shocked, incredulous laugh. "How- how dare-"

"Even if a question leads to a bigger question, a bigger question is still an answer, Arum. Knowing that you don't know enough is still an answer. That's just- that's all just dumb semantics."

Arum sputters for a moment, then narrows his eyes. "I would say, I think, that the argument that a question is an answer is far more a matter of dumb semantics than the assertion that not all questions have answers, Amaryllis. You simply do not know what you're talking about."

"If you're not even trying to get to the bottom of the questions you ask, then maybe you're the one who doesn't know what you're talking about," Rilla says, and Arum scowls again, more viciously this time. "I think it's better to actually know things, instead of just- making everything even more confusing. Isn't the world already confusing enough?"

"Maybe for creatures as petty and small-minded as humans," Arum growls low, but as he opens his mouth to continue-

There's a noise. Unexpected, and out of place enough that it takes Rilla a moment to recognize it.

A small whinny, not all that far off.

When Rilla meets Arum's eyes again she knows he heard it too. He looks exactly as scared as she feels.

"Hide," she hisses, and Arum's wide eyes go wider.

"You hide," he snarls, slipping off the log and back into the water. "It could be anyone, you don't know-"

"Horse could mean knight," Rilla snaps, and Arum's frill flattens against his neck. "Just hide and-"

The brush at the edge of the pond rustles, and Rilla hears Arum gasp before he slips beneath the surface entirely, and Rilla holds her breath as she turns to see whatever pushes through the foliage at the edge of the pond.

Rilla doesn't think she's ever been less happy to be correct, before. The knight frowns down at her from beneath his helmet and atop his sandy-brown horse, and Rilla tries to lean into her surprise so the guilt hopefully won't show.

"Oh!" she says, pressing a hand to her chest as she scrambles to stand on the log. "Oh, I- you scared me! I didn't hear you, and-"

The knight narrows his eyes, and Rilla realizes that his hand is resting on the pommel of his sword as his gaze sweeps suspiciously across the shore.

"What is a little girl like you doing out in the wilds all by yourself?" the knight says slowly, and Rilla-

Rilla isn't the best at reading people, but something about the way his mouth curls, the way his eyes stay suspiciously narrowed, something tells her that his tone is less concerned for her, and more concerned by her.

"Oh," she says, and she tries to smile. "Well, I'm not by myself," she says. "My parents are- they're not far."

"Hm," the knight says, and then he swings himself down out of the saddle.

Rilla takes the moment to glance down, and- and she has to hold herself very very still to keep from flinching when she realizes that Arum is still in the water beneath her. She was certain that he'd be- completely gone by now, safe and away and- and she widens her eyes at him quickly while the knight is still busy with the horse, and she jerks her head to the side, trying to tell him- get out of here, obviously, get away-

But Arum glares up at her, his violet eyes furious, and then he jerks his own snout towards the knight.

"Who were you talking to?"

Rilla jolts, wobbling on the log before she regains her footing.

"Wh-what? I- I don't know what you're-"

"I heard voices. Who were you talking to?" the knight repeats, his hand still on his pommel even after dismounting.

His eyes are icy and sharp and unsettling, and Rilla decides that she's really, really glad that she's out in the middle of the pond, instead of on the shore with him.

"I-" Rilla pauses, then lowers her eyes, shuffling her feet as if embarrassed. "I was talking to myself," she says quietly. "I know I shouldn't-"

"You were shouting at yourself?" the knight drawls, dubious, and Rilla tries to smile. If it comes out awkward- well, that'll work too, right?

"Y-yeah. I was- I was making up an argument? I- I'm not good at- at arguing for real, so I like to- to practice? Sometimes? When I'm on my own?"

"Well," the knight mutters, looking away, "I believe you're not good at talking, at least."

Rilla swallows, ducking her head, and-

And in the water beneath her, Arum rolls his eyes hard enough to make a little ripple on the surface above him, and then he makes a face as if he's gagging on a piece of rotten fruit. Rilla presses her lips together tight, choking down an almost overpowering urge to laugh.

"Your parents," the knight says, and Rilla's eyes flick back up from the water to his sullen, stubborn face instead. "They let you wander around in monster-infested wilderness all by yourself, then?"

"They- um. I mean- this place is pretty safe, and- and they aren't far."

"That's what you said before,"

"Do-" Rilla swallows. "Do you want me to- to call them? I can- I have a whistle, I can-"

The knight seems to consider this, looking her up and down as if checking for weapons and then scanning his eyes around the shore again quickly, and then he adjusts his stance, his frame tensing before he nods. "I think you had better, little girl. Go on, whistle for them."

Does he think that I'm a monster? Rilla thinks, feeling maybe just the littlest bit panicked, and then she raises her hand to her neck to lift the whistle.

They have a whole system, Rilla and her parents, for the emergency whistle. There's a call for monster, there's a call for injured, a call for someone else injured, a call for not-an-emergency-but-you'll-really-wanna-see-this-right-now-it's-cool, a call for I'm lost, among others. Rilla doesn't use any of those right now, though, because her parents don't think about magic and medicine exactly the same way that the King does, so-

Rilla lifts the whistle to her lips, and she gives the call that means that she's spotted a knight nearby.

The knight tenses further, as if he's fully expecting to be swarmed or something, and when nothing immediately jumps to attack him he glares at Rilla again. She- barely manages to fake a smile, certain that she must just look like she's showing teeth at this point, but it takes less than a minute for her dad to come bolting out of the underbrush on the far side of the pond.

"Rilla- Rilla what's wrong?" he says in a rush, and he's always been a better actor than Rilla or her papa. When he swings his eyes across the pond and 'notices' the knight, the flash of surprise on his face looks entirely genuine. "Oh- oh, I'm so sorry, Sir-"

"Sir Caradoc," he says, his expression bemused (surprised, Rilla thinks, that she was telling the truth) despite his flat, toneless voice. "The Dauntless."

"An honor," her dad says, smiling sharply, "and what a surprise to meet a knight this far from the Citadel! What- Rilla, why did you..."

He trails off, his sharp on her own, and Rilla manages a weak smile of her own. "He- he was- worried? That I was out here all on my own, so- so I wanted- I wanted to show him that I was- that you were here, if I was got in trouble."

Her dad exhales, something like a sigh, and then he nods and turns his attention back to Sir Caradoc. "Well, I'm glad nothing's wrong, at the least. Thank you so much for looking out for my daughter out here, Sir Caradoc. Please- would you come back to camp with us? I'm sure you're out here on important business, but the least we could do is get a hot meal in you before you've gotta be on your way, right?"

Caradoc raises an eyebrow, but after a moment his lip turns up into a very slight smile, and he nods.

"It'd be a pleasant change of pace," he says. "Been weeks since I've had a meal I didn't cook myself, and I'll admit I'm not as good with a ladle as I am with my sword."

Her dad's smile goes wider and more forced at the reminder of the weapon, but he laughs lightly anyway. "Great! Rilla, c'mon back to shore, now. We might not be home, but we've got company to look out for, yeah?"

Rilla nods, plastering on a smile that she hopes looks as honest as her dad's, and then she- she aims herself so she won't land right on top of Arum, and she hops into the water.

When she's under the surface she cracks her eyes open, and Arum is- closer than she expects. His eyes are narrowed and bright, even through the murk of the water, and when she makes a vague get out of here motion with her hands, he scowls even harder, and then he reaches out and grips one of her wrists. He flicks his eyes towards the surface, then back towards Rilla, and he squeezes lightly before he lets her go again, retreating further down into the muddy detritus at the bottom of the pond.

Rilla gives him one more glance (she can barely see him, obviously he knows exactly how to blend in), and then she kicks her way back to the surface, and then over to the edge of the water where her dad can reach down and lift her back out.

Her dad keeps hold of her hand when she's back on shore, and he squeezes soothingly as Sir Caradoc leads his horse around the pond to join them, trampling through the brush with authoritative carelessness.

"We'll be fine," her dad says under his breath, before the knight will be able to hear them again, and Rilla nods.

She already knew that, actually. She knows they'll be fine, because her papa is clever and her dad is confident and charismatic. She knows they'll be fine because her dad is holding her hand.

As Sir Caradoc comes closer, batting aside a hanging branch and wearing his bland, professional smile, Rilla thinks about Arum's hand, too. She thinks about the odd texture of his scales against her skin, the way he frowned when he squeezed her wrist, the intensity of his eyes under the water.

Rilla is pretty sure - pretty sure - that what he actually meant to say with that little squeeze was be careful.

Pretty good advice, Rilla thinks, if the coldness in Sir Caradoc's eyes above that smile is anything to go by.

[littledarlinwrites]

My Own Prison

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Word Count: 3920

Author’s note: This was for @coffee-with-bucky‘s writing challenge! My prompt was: “I know who you are. You’re a softie under that tough exterior of yours.”  This is kinda pretty angsty. I had My Own Prison by Creed on repeat while writing this, although I did switch songs to For Blue Skies by Strays Don’t Sleep towards the end, in case anyone wants to listen. Hope y’all enjoy it and let me know what ya think! @marvelpoststuff thank you again for reading it over and for creating the photo edit for my fic! <3

Summary:  Bucky becomes distant during the trials of the crimes he committed as the Winter Soldier. 

You suspected that Bucky would struggle somehow as the trials that would decide to either hold him accountable for his time as the Winter Soldier or exonerate him came, but in a typical Bucky fashion, he remained stoic. You kept a close eye on him, you knew his time in Wakanda healed some of the wounds HYDRA inflicted upon him, but you were worried that his nightmares would come back stronger than ever while having to face evidence of what HYDRA made him do. Nights you usually spent with Bucky you were now spending alone. He came to bed well after you’d fallen asleep waiting for him, and was out of bed before you’d wake. Tonight was another one of those nights. You were reading a book trying to wait up for him, but your eyes were starting to burn with the need to close them and sleep. Before you knew it, the next time you woke it was dawn and the suns rays were just beginning to kiss the New York City skyline. Your hand drifted to Buck’s side of the bed that was still a bit warm. A soft sigh escaped your lips before you decided to get up and face the day. You had hoped that since it was a Saturday you might have been able to wake up with him unlike the past two weekends since the trial had started. Having showered the night before you simply splashed some water on your face and brushed your teeth before throwing on a pair of leggings and one of Bucky’s long-sleeve shirts. You begin to sluggishly walk to the kitchen knowing Bucky has probably already left the house. You begin the process of making coffee before you realize that you are out of coffee grounds. Taking a deep breath, you decide to go to the grocery store since you had put it off to go to the trial this past couple of weeks. Writing Bucky a note that you leave on the counter for him to see, you slip on your shoes and grab your keys and head out.

An hour later you bring the groceries inside and putting them away. You finish making the coffee you had started this morning and you notice that Bucky still isn’t home yet. You curl up on the sofa with your cup of coffee on the coffee table and a book before draping a blanket over your lap. Mentally exhausted, it doesn’t take long before you’re asleep on the couch. Half an hour later, Bucky walks in, seeing your sleeping form with the book you were reading open in your lap. He knew you were worried about him, about how the trials would affect him. He would be the first to admit that you not only had every right to be worried, but that your worries weren’t unfounded. He had been avoiding you lately, and the guilt ate him up inside. However, the guilt of what he had done as the Winter Soldier was obliterating him. He felt as if he didn’t deserve you, and he was waiting for you to realize that, with every day that the trial dragged on, with every name and face that he had affected, he was waiting for you to look at him with disgust in your eyes and leave. He certainly wouldn’t have blamed you. That wasn’t the only reason he was avoiding you though, mainly at night. Every day that the trial went on the prosecutor would mention another name and show another face belonging to someone that no longer existed because of him, because of what HYDRA made him do as Steve would remind him. With that, his nightmares also returned. Even though it was unhealthy, and you would be sure to scold him the second you found out, he figured if he didn’t sleep, or slept as little as possible, he couldn’t have a nightmare. So he would work out for hours at night before he would go to sleep, climbing into bed long after you had passed out waiting for him, and he would wake up before you to workout, effectively tiring himself out enough that when he would sleep it would be deep enough that he wouldn’t be able to dream and wouldn’t wake you from his nightmares. Looking at you now he felt terrible for avoiding you, neglecting you. You showed up every single day of this trial to support him, and never complained that you went to bed and woke up without him. He knew this was taking its toll on you. You slept more often and seemed to only consume coffee with maybe one actual meal a day, Bucky had wanted to be strong for the both of you, but now he realized all he had managed to do was neglect you and isolate himself within his own mental prison. He decided he would shower before he’d make you something to eat for when you woke up.

You had taken one of the longest naps you had probably ever taken. The sun was low in the winter sky, eclipsed by the buildings. You stretched before smelling something cooking in the kitchen. You nearly panicked before you realized that you hadn’t started cooking anything before you had fallen asleep, and that meant that it must be Bucky cooking. You slowly got up and walked towards Bucky in the kitchen, he was humming something to himself that you didn’t recognize and stirring something in front of him. Wrapping your arms around his middle from behind, you rested your forehead against the center of his back between his shoulder blades. He tensed up for a millisecond before relaxing, but you had noticed the uncharacteristic action.

“Whatever your cooking smells delicious,” you say with a groggy voice before you clear your throat.

“Is that so? I made your favorite, broccoli cheese soup. The rolls are in the oven should be done in a few minutes.”

“Mmmm. Sounds good.” A smile is now plastered on your face. Maybe, just maybe, you have your Bucky back. You squeeze your arms around him to show your appreciation.

“Good. D’you wanna grab some bowls and stuff for us? I think the soup is done and I’m gonna take a look at the rolls.”

You nod your head yes against his back before letting go of him, immediately missing his warmth. He missed your arms wrapped around him just as quickly. Walking over to the cupboard you get out all the things you would need before leaning against the counter and looking at Bucky. You noted how his long-sleeved shirt was more snug on him than it had been before, his sweatpants were hung low on his waist, and his hair was pulled back into a bun against the nap of his neck. It felt like this was the first time you were seeing him in weeks, and in a way you were. The Bucky standing before you now was a much more honest version than the one you saw in court for the last few weeks. He pulled the rolls out of the oven and set them on the stove to cool before making his way over to you, it was now that you got a good look at his face. A straight on view. You could see the dark half-moon circles beneath his eyes. His hands gripped your waist and your hands rested on his chest. He looked into your eyes before glancing down at your lips and looking back into your eyes again. Bucky slowly lowered his lips to yours, nearly groaning at the feeling of your lips on his. His hands made their way from your waist to the back of your thighs. Tapping his hands on the back of them was your cue to jump and wrap them around his waist. He had been able to tell when his hands were at your waist that you had lost weight, but it still shocked him how much lighter you felt to him. He still found you as beautiful as the day he met you, but he felt even more guilt that you hadn’t been properly taking care of yourself. You were stressed out and worried about him. He poured as much love as he could into the kiss. He missed your touch, the way that it would make his heart race. He missed the taste of your chapstick on your lips, peppermint. He missed the scent of your body wash, something floral, but not overpowering, soft like you. He kissed you at that moment as if he were repenting for every single sin he had ever committed. He kissed you until you were both breathless. Your foreheads rested against each other as you gathered your breaths.

“The, uh, rolls are done.” Bucky is the first to speak, his voice a bit gravely.

You let out a chuckle before capturing his lips in one more kiss, a soft and sweet one.

“Join me? I’m not going to be able to eat that all by myself. We could watch a movie or something if you want.” You say hopefully, a little scared that he’ll bolt. You know this is usually the time he goes out for his run before heading into the gym a couple floors down in the tower. You can see that part of him wants to decline, but he steels himself for a split second.

“Yeah, go pick a movie and get it started, I’ll dish out dinner.” He spoke softly. You walked over to the stack of DVD’s and picked out one of the romantic comedies that you both loved before popping it into the DVD player. Bucky sat the plates that your bowls and rolls sat on onto the table before taking a seat on the couch. You sat down beside him before turning and setting your legs across his lap and tossing the blanket over the both of you. Bucky handed you your dinner before picking his up and you both ate in companionable silence while watching the movie. As the credits roll at the end of the movie you could see Bucky fighting sleep.You get up which seems to stir him from his half-asleep state and take his hands in yours to lead him to your shared bedroom. You go to the dressed and pull out your pyjamas and when you turn around you notice that he’s pulling out his gym clothes.

“Buck, what are you doing?” You ask him, a bit of exasperation leaking into your voice.

“Just gonna hit the gym for a little bit,” he says with his eyes to the floor. “Don’t wanna get soft on ya. Besides, I’ll be back before you can miss me.” He says as he shuts the bedroom door behind you. It isn’t until your front door closes that you release your thought to the now empty room..

“That’s the problem Bucky, I already do.” You feel your eyes begin to burn with tears that want to flow down your cheeks, releasing pent up frustration. The lump in your throat thick. You make your way to the bathroom and decide to take a long hot shower. You play music from your phone that matches your mood and turn on the bluetooth speaker before stepping into the steaming shower. Your tears finally break free and sobs begin to escape you. You know that Bucky is the kind of person to be strong for everyone else, to bottle up his emotions, but you couldn’t help but feel like you were failing him. Old insecurities were bubbling their way to the surface and you worried that you were being too clingy and pushing him away and that maybe he just needed space, or that he was falling out of love with you, but then you remembered that kiss from earlier. You knew these thoughts were illogical, but that didn’t stop them from making you freak out. When the water began to cool down you quickly washed your body and hair before getting out of the shower. You felt tired after letting out the pent-up-emotion. Instead of putting on the pajamas you had gotten out earlier you grabbed a fresh pair of panties and another shirt of Bucky’s before drying off and putting them on. You crawled into bed, and for the first time, you didn’t wait for Bucky to join you.

Bucky felt terrible when he left the bedroom he shared with you, but he also knew that if he didn’t go workout, especially after the accidental nap, he would be waking you with one of his nightmares and he couldn’t risk hurting you or stressing you out further because of them. So he headed a couple floors down in the tower to the gym. He made his way to the treadmill putting on his headphones and turning his music up. He ran twenty-five miles before he made his way over to the punching bag. With the skin on his knuckles broken like the punching bag in front of him, Bucky heads to the showers before making his way back upstairs. He lets the water run over his face and down his back as he moves his head forward. He quickly showers as he remembers the sound of your voice earlier. You were annoyed. You had every right to be. You deserved a man that would wrap you in his arms every night. A man that wasn’t still terrified of his own mind, of what he could potentially do to you when coming out of a nightmare. A man that would allow himself to be vulnerable with you like you were hoping he would be. With guilt and disappointment in himself, he gets out of the shower and gets dressed before making his way back to your shared apartment. He makes his way into the dark bedroom. He realizes that you didn’t even try waiting up for him this time. Tears threaten to spill as the salty water burns his eyes. He quietly makes his way to the dresser and pulls out his plaid pajama pants and changes into them before climbing into bed carefully not to wake you up.

You open your eyes confused as to what woke you up. You notice it is still dark out, no sign of dawn in sight and then you hear it. A whimper. You look towards Bucky’s side of the bed and see in the moonlight that his face is contorted in pain or fear. He’s gripping the sheets so tightly that his knuckles are white except for the spots of intense crimson where they had broken open earlier.

“No. No, no, no, no, no, no.” Bucky pleads to no one in the room. You quickly realize that he’s deep within a nightmare. You lay a gentle hand on his chest while keeping the rest of you to the side of him in case he bolted forward.

“Bucky. Bucky, baby, wake up.” You say to him gently, but loud enough to try and rouse him. Except he lets out a guttural scream that makes you jump a little from the unexpectedness of it. It had never got this bad before. The scream he let out was so loud you were a little worried that Steve heard it from his floor above you. Even though you know that it was probably ill-advised, you moved so that you had a leg on either side of Bucky’s hips. Both hands lightly on his chest to steady yourself you move them to his upper arms, gripping them just enough that if he moved you wouldn’t go flying anywhere but he could still move.

“Bucky, c’mon, c'mon wake up for me. Please!” You receive no response but his head continues moving back and forth.

“James!” You nearly shout.

At this he bolts forward. His metal hand around your throat. His eyes scan the room before he really comes to. He gasps as he realizes his hand is around your throat because you had tried to wake him from a bad night terror. He scrambles backwards his eyes wide and his chest is rapidly rising and falling.

You give him a minute to collect himself before you reach out to him. You see him flinch as if your touch would burn him and you stop for a minute and switch tactics.

“You didn’t hurt me.” You speak softly. I see him close his eye tightly before he speaks.

“I had my hand wrapped around your throat.” He takes deep breaths to calm himself, whether it’s from the night terror still or from annoyance at your comment, you have no idea.

You look him over and see that his knuckles were bleeding. With a sigh, you get up from the foot of the bed and stand in front of him before brushing your fingers against his. His eyes shoot wide open, but he doesn’t move.

“Let me clean up your knuckles at least. Please.” You plead him, your fingertips just a hair above his, aching to be laced within his. He gulps before nodding his head. You move your way towards the bathroom, Bucky following behind you. You have Bucky lean against the bathroom sink as you grab the first aid kit from the cupboard and move to stand with his right leg between yours. You pull out an antiseptic wipe and begin dabbing at his knuckles. Bucky hisses from the sting at the first contact.

“Sorry,” you say, barely above a whisper.

“S’okay,” he mutters in return.

You continue cleaning his knuckles until the wipe is a pale pink color and his knuckles are clean. You grab some ointment from the first aid kit and carefully dab it onto the broken skin before you bandage his knuckles so the ointment doesn’t get all over the place. You then wrap your arms around him and lay your head directly over his heart, listening to the steady thump.

“I don’t deserve you,” Buck, mumbles, almost quietly enough for you not to hear him.

“What?” You say shocked taking a step back, your hands remaining on his waist, and your eyebrows scrunched together in confusion.

“I don’t deserve you. I’m a monster. I could have accidentally killed you tonight.”

“You wouldn’t though.”

“God, you don’t know that for sure (Y/N)! I couldn’t live with myself if I hurt you, let alone get you killed because I can’t keep my shit together.”

“You wouldn’t hurt me. HYDRA made you hurt innocent people, but it wasn’t you because if you had a choice in the matter you would have told them to get bent. Besides, I knew that it probably wasn’t the best idea of how to wake you up but I couldn’t stand hearing you in pain like that.”

“But it was me!”

“Would you think that if it were me in your position and you in mine?”

“Wha- no!”

“Then why is it any different for you? If it was you, then nothing would have changed after you were out from under their control. If it were you, Steve wouldn’t be alive right now. If it were you, I would be dead right now and we wouldn’t be having this conversation. It was not you.” You had stepped closer to him and you could feel his breath across your face. You stared straight into his ocean blue eyes that were beginning to brim with tears.

“I just keep waiting for the moment that you see me as a monster like they do, as I do. The moment that you’ll wisen up and leave for your own safety. I’m terrified to lose you, Doll, and every day I just keep seeing more victims that are dead from my hands. A-and you see it, the pictures and videos, and you listen to the details, and I don’t understand why you stay. I knew that I’d probably get nightmares from it all again so I started going to bed late, getting up early, and working out because if I’m too tired to dream then you wouldn’t have to deal with that at least. But then I noticed that you’re hardly eating from all the stress of the case and trying to take care of me and I felt terrible for that. Then I would feel even more terrible because you would try and wait up for me every night, but you’d fall asleep before I’d get to bed because you were so tired. And, God, I missed you. I missed holding you, the smell of your shampoo, your lips on mine, but I just felt like I didn’t deserve it, and God, I’m just so sorry for hurting you. I never wanted to hurt you.” Bucky says breathless breaking down into sobs. You wrap your arms tightly around him as if you could hold the broken pieces of him together. Rubbing your hand up and down his back trying to do anything soothing to help him.

“It’s okay, baby, I forgive you. I know you never meant to hurt me. You would never intentionally hurt me. I love you. I love you so much. Nothing some dumb prosecutor says is gonna change that, okay? They could present all the evidence in the world, but I know the kind of person you are Bucky. I know who you are. You’re a softie under that tough exterior of yours. I’m in this for the long haul, and I knew what I was getting into when we started this. I’m not gonna run at the first sign of trouble, but I do think we need to talk a bit more about the things that worry us. I was stressed, and I was stressed because I was worried about you. I was worried whether you would start having nightmares again, and then I was worried that I never saw you. I should have handled the stress a bit better than I did though. I knew that I should have stopped replacing meals with coffee, I just elected to ignore it, and that was my bad. And I missed you too. That’s why I tried waiting up for you. Bucky, you deserve the world. I don’t know a single person that would make it through what you’ve been through. You have. Healing isn’t linear though, you’re gonna have bad days, but you’ve gotta let me in a little bit on those bad days, okay? Even if it’s just saying that it’s a bad day. ‘Cause I wanna be here for you through all of it. I love you, Bucky Barnes. I love you so much, and we’re gonna get through this together, but if you need to hear right now, then I forgive you.”

At your speech, Bucky pulls you down to the bathroom floor and you cry in each other’s arms. You both sit there for about an hour whispering “I love you’s” to each other, occasionally kissing each other, soft and sweet. You both stay there until your tears begin to dry up, both of your faces blotchy, and your eyes bloodshot from the sudden onslaught of sobs and pent up emotion trying to remain strong for the other. Eventually, you start to shiver from the cold bathroom floor, and with ease, Bucky picks you up bridal style and carries you to the bed where he holds you through the night. You never have to wait up for him to go to bed after that.