#i got 0 sleep last night i was fighting so many bugs in my room at 2am

[millionsknives]

mods are asleep post vash bts celibacy gif (commission for @aforeffortenjolras)

[hyunjilicious]

Kaer Morhen. Geralt of Rivia imagine

A/n: This contains 0 spoilers for the TV shows. However, it contains mentions of smut and violence. Also a tad bit of angst.

Summary: Geralt and y/n and a few others prepare for a battle. Losing Yn is one of his biggest fears, and tried to do everything in his power to make sure that won’t happen. 3.7k

Warning: i was too lazy to edit. i will tho, soon. Tell me what you thought please!!! I loved writing it and i love hearing your opinions!

-

"And what happens if the shield falls?" Triss asked, roaming around the room with her arms crossed, carefully studying you up and down.

"The shield won't fall unless I do" you spoke with confidence, dead set on doing everything in your power to keep the castle, Ciri and everyone else involved, safe.

"Then, no" Geralt commanded, pushing himself off the wall, "No way we're doing it this way"

"It's already settled" you countered, knowing that was the only way you could help. Even as one of the most powerful sorceress the Continent has ever seen, with elven blood running through your veins, in combat, you were still a weak link. You needed space, and safety to recover your stamina, so standing on top of an isolated tower and casting spells from there was the best option.

"Nothing's settled" Geralt huffed, "There's no telling how long the fight will last or how strong their army will be, you can't keep that shield up on your own"

"I can" you said with confidence, "And I will"

With that you stormed off. After years of going through this on again off again wannabe relationship, Geralt knew better than to bug you when you clearly wanted to be left alone. The night was done, yet he decided he'd get a head start of the roof work that was scheduled for the next morning, as something about your attitude was obviously making him rather uncomfortable. You stood in front of your bedroom window, projecting his image on the glass in front of you. Dangerously close to the edge, he made his way tile by tile across the roof, and despite noticeably giving his best, he failed at giving the structure the stability it needed. You chuckled, a silent sigh also escaping your lips - you wished he was inside the castle, in the same room as you - yet your pride didn't let you admit it, even to yourself. His raspy grunt reached your ears, and it wasn't from your projection - he had realized on his own that he did a piss poor job, and shouldn't have even tried to being with. Seeing as he would soon be making his way inside, you killed the spell and moved to your bed.

When Geralt passed through the door, you looked up from a book you had just opened, "Nice of you to finally join me"

"Y/n" he sighed, unbuttoning his black shirt and sliding it off his shoulders, "I-"

"Yes, yes" you cut him off, "You're mad at me, but to be completely honest with you-"

"I'm not mad!" he yelled, voice all hoarse, proving his words wrong. He walked to the foot of the bed and leaned on one of his legs, "I'm not mad" he corrected himself, this time on a much more reasonable tone, "It's just that I get the feeling this is a sacrifice"

"If it means it will keep Ciri alive and far away from The Wild Hunt, then call it whatever you want"

"You love her, don't you?" he asked, for the first time in days, avoiding your stare. However, he did it for you. He knew how much it would take for you to admit such a thing, even to him. He kept looking away, willingly giving you the upper hand and allowing you to believe you were strong enough to face him. After all these years, you still came first, no matter what.

"Geralt-" you sighed, the pain in the pit of your stomach making your voice sound weaker, "I-"

"Decades ago-" he cut you off, "When we first met, everyone said you were power driven and ruthless, when all you wanted was a child. All this time-" he said, shaking his head in disbelief, "I thought you gave that up"

"I never give up" you said, clearing your throat. Tears were coating your eyes, but no matter how much a weakness sign you considered it, you didn't turn away, "Let alone on a child. Especially Ciri"

"Y/n" Geralt said softly, grabbing your elbow, "We can still find other ways"

Not at him, but you were angry. The situation, and especially the wait, the calm before the storm, were driving you crazy, and with controlling your emotions, you never had a good history. "I don't care who comes, however many mages they may have, how big their army is or how revolutionary their weapons are, if they can do it, so can I. I'm not gonna grab a sword and try my luck, or cast spells in the middle of the field, it's a sure way for me to die. I will do everything I can to keep this castle and everyone inside it safe, and no one can stop me"

With that you walked past him, and opened the door, "Now come, Lambert and Eskel promised us some extravagant Toussaint wine and they're waiting downstairs"

Geralt followed you without fighting back this time. You were all expecting to have at least two days until the fight, so whether he did actually give up and accepted the fact that you were going to have your way, or if he just decided to post pone the argument, was above you, and to be fair, at that hour, you didn't even care. You all drank, and had a good time, well, as good as the times allowed. There was a strange atmosphere in the air, giving the impression that you all sat down to make sure no one would be taken away without a proper goodbye. None of you would have admitted it, but you were all thinking it. Crach an craite turned out to be the soul of the gathering, Dijkstra's never ending stories seemed much more appealing after a few glasses of wine, and at about 5am, almost everyone was back in their rooms, sleeping or making up for lost time.

Earlier that evening, you had no intention of joining the others in drinking, you wanted Geralt all to yourself but after the talk you had, you needed some space. However, the alcohol washed out the bad taste his words left in your mouth, and now, as you two found yourselves all alone in your shared bedroom, your initial intentions were starting to show again. He welcomed your lips against his with longing desire, holding onto your waist harder than you would have normally accepted. Your weight was as none in his hold, and he carried you effortlessly to bed, laying you down gently before climbing on top of you. His muscular body towered over your fragile frame, and as always, having him wrapped around your finger aroused you to no end. There wasn't time to waste on foreplay, even if you were sure he enjoyed it as much you did. Geralt lewdly hurried to explore the skin your black leather attire showed, dragging his lips along your collarbones, before biting down into your shoulder, for the sole purpose of hearing your moans.

"Geralt" you sighed, grabbing the sides of his face so you could look into his eyes.

His teeth sank deeper, making your cry out his name again.

You felt his chuckle tickle the skin at the base of you neck, just before he looked up, "You're so beautiful" he said in awe.

Wanting to keep your composure, you controlled your facial expression, but your cheeks still reddened. The smile that materialized onto his lips proved that he knew exactly what kind of effect he had on you. When your lips connected, it felt more electrifying than ever. Unlike times before, you allowed him to take full control. Geralt didn't question it at all, but you knew he sensed something.

Everytime it was you on top of him, riding his cock into the depths of the night as his longing stare burned your skin. It was always you the one who pushed his buttons and never allowed him to finish whenever he needed. You always had to push him, even just the tiniest bit. You rarely ever did what he asked you without making him beg for it. You saw him on his knees in front of you, calling your name in what was probably the most needy tone he was capable of. The sight of him squirming under you, with his eyes squeezed shut, head thrown back, fists clenched and thighs convulsing, was your favourite of them all. However tonight it was quite the opposite. He had you on all fours, crying out his name. He kissed away the tears of pleasure that ran down your temple, and smiled proudly when you, for the first time begged him to let you finish. Three times. That night was all about what he wanted; he loved you in all the right ways, sending you on pleasure spirals with every chance he got. After ruining the sheets while he went down on you, lapping away at your core, you clenched your thighs on each side of his head in some pathetic attempt to control yourself. With a smirk, Geralt's lips moved from your clit to the skin of your left inner thigh, leaving inflamed purple marks all over your warm skin. When it came to the second orgasm, he had you panting on all fours as he clutched a fistful of your hair into his hand, pulling your head back. His lips treated the your shoulders and neck in all the right ways as he pounded deeply into you from behind. Your moans decorated the night, and it ended with another round, this one slower and more passionate than anything before. He was laying on top of you, moving every so gently against your now sensitive body. When his lips weren't longingly loving yours, his cheek was pressed against yours, his breath fanning onto your ear.

After that, after you both came down from the heights of pleasure he worked so hard for, you just collapsed into each other, and tried to get some sleep, "I love you, Y/n" Geralt said, right before dozing off.

"And I love you" you answered, with deep honesty.

You would have never admitted it to him, but as you both laid in bed, you realised this sudden change of character was coming from your hidden fear of not ever seeing him again after the battle that was to come. As he feel alseep with his face tucked deeply into your neck, you knew he was thinking just the same. Your mind didn't allow you to rest without taking a quick peek at his thoughts, and the taste of blood engulfed your senses as you bit your lower lip in order to stop yourself from crying. A small cottage, quite poor and mostly empty, with a strong fire lighting up the main room was what you saw first. Then you saw yourself. And him. Snuggled into each other in a dark corner, sleeping, and with definetly less worried looks on your faces than you had now. You couldn't pull away from his thoughts just yet, you kept watching as Ciri with Vesemir came moments later. The four of you sat down at a table, eating ridiculously festive food. Geralt's left hand was on your thigh, and when he kissed you, even if it was just a dream, he imagined you tasted like garlic. That thought alone watered your eyes. Back when you two had just met, in unknown circumstances, you mentioned to him that you couldn't expect people to take you seriously if you smelled like garlic, despite it being one of your biggest pleasures. At that time, he laughed it off, kissed your lips and with a shake of his head, continued the conversation. Never again had you two talked about this, or had you eaten garlic, yet this was on his mind right now. Damn him. You didn't want to die. You lived a long life and achieved more than most people could even dream of, but for Geralt and Ciri, you wanted to live.

-

You stormed down the stairs of the castle, screaming at the top of your lungs, "They're coming! Everyone wake up!"

In a matter of seconds everyone rushed downstairs, strapping their swords and getting ready for a fight you were most likely destined to lose. Ciri's life was at stake, and none of you was willing to back down. Previously, you had pondered, and came up with the best defence strategy.

"Remember," you said, facing each of your allies in turn "Aldair albeeh mirva. Anything happens and you need help, chant this"

Shortly after revising the plan, everyone went to their spots, waiting for the attack, while you rushed to the tower. Knowing the Wild Hunt wouldn't come rushing towards you from a distance, you counted on a locating spell, that even though couldn't pin point their exact location, was able to let you know how close they were. When crystals of ice appeared in the air around you and you were able to see your breath due to the drop in temperature, you put up the first shield. This was the easy part, keeping the frost away. Now, you gathered all your power, and worked on locking a second shield, one that was designed to force the armies to come in in waves, giving your people time to fight them off without getting surrounded.

Struggling with this task, there wasn't anything more that you could do. It was draining your powers at an alarming rate, but you were dead set on keeping the shields up until you could no more. The fight went on for almost two exhausting hours, there was no way for you to know if everyone was alright and no way to stop and check. Everything around you was a blur, the sound of the fight going on below you was muffled as you concentrated every inch in your body to make sure your defence wasn't cracking. Despite being all in, body and soul, you still heard it.

"Aldair albeeh mirva"

Fuck. It was Eskel's voice. As you tried to figure out his exact location, you heard it again.

"Aldair albeeh mirva"

And again. And again and again. Muffled. Unclear, and screamed by different voices. Triss, Keira, Dijkstra, Geralt. They were all losing their battles.

-

"Um, Geralt?" Lambert huffed as the two of them fought side by side, "Is Y/n ok?"

"Why?" Geralt called with exasperation, turning to his fellow witcher, "What happened?"

"Look around you, man" he wailed, pointing to the sky, "The force shield is down. We're surrounded"

They retracted to a more isolated corner, speaking to each other just above a whisper, "We called for her, she knows what she's doing!" Geralt said and despite not showing much emotion, he said it more to convince himself than his friend.

"Brother, she didn't answer" Lambert spoke dramatically, breathing heavily. Silence settled as he didn't want to say anything more, afraid he'd set Geralt off. He was too late. In a fit of manic rage, Geralt sprung forward, rushing straight into the battle.

"Cover my back" he yelled over his shoulder, "I'm heading to the tower"

Eskel sighed knowing how bad of an idea it was, but after shaking his head, he drew his sword, ready to jump back into the action. They were surrounded, casting signs after signs, their stamina running out and muscles starting to cave. With every passing moment and with each of the wild hunt's knights killed, they were closer and closer to caving. Their blows weren't as precise anymore, not as strong, and nowhere near efficient enough to keep up with the enemy's army. Following a heavy blow into the small of his back, Geralt fell to the ground, sword slipping out of his hand and landing meters away. Before he managed to regain his composure, Eskel threw himself on top of him, and generated a shield, held in place by the sign of Quen, strong enough to keep them alive for just about 30 more short seconds. Each blow received weakened their defence, and once Eskel couldn't hold the shield anymore, it exploded with a blast, throwing the knights and their hounds just a few steps behind. It was no where near enough. All this stunt did was buy them about a minute more, as before they knew it, their throats were surrounded by countless of sharp sword tips. Incapable of feeling emotions, Geralt's eyes still watered, Ciri's and Y/n's faces being the only thing on his mind. Realizing there was no way out, he gritted his teeth, and the last thing he saw before he closed his eyes were the merciless fangs of a ghostly hound, jumping towards his jugular at full speed.

Then nothing.

Nothing happened. Nothing bit him. No blade pierced his body, and filled with confusion, he creaked his eyes open only for his jaw to drop. The hundreds of fighters that were surrounding them were now hanging in the air, slowly rising to the sky.

"What the fuck-" Eskel muttered, turning from side to side.

Geralt paid no attention to him, and in the distance, between the floating bodies of his enemies, he spotted Y/n, high up in the air. With her head thrown back and arms raised horizontally, she levitated about 10 meters above the sea of still warm corpses. Her fingers moved slowly within a ball of purple gas. Geralt was too far away to see, but her veins pumped rage and chaos forming little sparks of fire all around her frame - her lifting the soldiers off the battlefield being just the beginning. Looking to the side, it wasn't hard for him to spot his allies.

Keira was in a trance, on top of the castle's wall. Before Geralt got a chance to rush to her, Triss came running, ushering everyone inside, "Shelter, now!!" she screamed, voice cracking.

"Y/n?" Dijkstra who had just joined them asked.

"Yes" approved Geralt, "And Keira. We can't leave them"

Triss was in no way in the mood for their antics, "She's gonna burn them to ashes and we're gonna fucking die too if we don't move! And now!"

Somewhat relieved, Geralt, along with every other still standing member of their group, ran into the castle. "Are we even safe here? And Keira?" he asked.

After catching her breath, Triss looked at everyone in turn and explained, "Keira is keeping the frost away so y/n's spell won't be as difficult to cast. And yes.." she sighed, "We're safe here, y/n will redirect the flames upwards"

He didn't like this. Not one freaking bit. Rushing to the window, he saw y/n now fully surrounded by that violet gas. Every piece of glass in the castle was trembling, the floor shaking as bits of cement and stone were falling from each of the corners of the room. He wanted to object but he knew going out there was not an option. After a few difficult breaths, everything before his eyes went white. Everyone was thrown off their feet as a loud explosion pushed them meters back, all slamming into the walls behind them. Nothing was audible except for a loud plain ringing deep inside his ears. Geralt found himself literally paralyzed for what he thought were a few seconds, but as soon as he found himself able to stand, he rushed outside. It was now way past dusk, meaning he'd been out for at least a few hours. Once again, and harder this time, panic enveloped him tightly.

Outside, grass was no more. The walls were black with ashes, with Keira standing in front of them, her back towards the castle.

Geralt stepped over burnt corpses, making his way to her. As the sorceress heard him approach, she turned to him, face white and a few too many layers of unshed tears covering her eyes.

He opened his mouth to speak, but she beat him to it. "She's gone"

-

Heavily bleeding, your feet trembled one in front of the other, carrying your weight the last thousand of feet before reaching the nearest location you could only hope was safe. Around you, laid a deserted village at the foot of the Baarg mountain. At this point you couldn't afford being wrong, so you trusted your gut and walked through a gap in a fence, circled around the cemetery, and followed a path that led you to an empty cave. You sighed with relief, and felt a tear roll down your cheek as you pushed through the darkness, using the last bits of magic left in your body to light up a torch you found laying around. Tens of years ago, this cave used to belong to an elven mage, the only one in history to ever manage to control not only space, but also time. His legacy was so infamous and controversial, that his names was banned from use. This however, didn't stop tens of hopeful magic creatures from trying to learn his ways. It relieved you to no end to see that no one had actually reached this point. Having a story this famous; errors and fake facts were destined to be spread. If not for Geralt and his many connections, you wouldn't have known about this place either.

The entrance to the deeper levels of the cave was guarded by a pack of rock trolls, which took very little magical effort to convince to obey you.

"If any one comes looking for the elf's cave, this isn't the right one. If any one comes looking for me, I'm not here unless Geralt of Rivia asks. Geralt of Rivia, in flesh and bones, not anyone else" 

“Trolly knows, this cave not good”, the creature groaned, "Geralt of Rivia good. Everyone else bad. Trolly likes not if you not Geralt are"

"Perfect" you sighed, and walked further into the cave. Seconds later, you had made it. All the knowledge you ever needed was inside there. Every potion, herb, recipe, crystal or spell book, everything was at arm's length. As soon as the door slammed behind you, you fell to your knees and crashed onto the floor. After 13 days of walking through dangerous unknown woods on the exact other side of the continent, you were happy to finally close your eyes within safety.

[fyeahbecachloe]

the one where beca doesn’t like dogs (3/?)

Beca/Chloe Rating: T Word Count: 1967 Summary:What looked like an emaciated wolf was currently lying on her floor glaring at her. Eyes wide, Beca stood there frozen afraid it would attack her.

OR

Beca doesn’t like dogs but she’s dating a veterinarian so she’s pretty much screwed.

READ ON AO3

True to her word, Chloe did take full responsibility of MJ over the next few weeks. She took him to work every day and brought him back when she was finished. Depending on their schedules, sometimes Beca was home before them and sometimes she came home late to the two of them cuddling on the couch. On the weekends, Chloe would take him to the park or play with him outside. Beca barely had to worry about him.

Except for his fur. Huskies, Beca found out, shed. A lot. Now that MJ’s fur has almost fully grown back and he gained back his weight, he was shedding like crazy. Beca would find tufts of fur EVERYWHERE. She had taken to lint rolling herself every day before leaving work. Chloe, of course, promised she’d sweep and vacuum the house on a daily basis which Beca protested to right away

“You’re my girlfriend, not my maid I can clean up after the giant fur ball. That’s why god invented swiffers.”

It amazed Beca how much fur can accumulate in just one day. MJ looked at her curiously every time she brought out the vacuum. She had thought, like most dogs, he would be scared of it but he just followed her around while she ran it over the few carpeted areas they had in the house. MJ was very curious about the detachable hose.

“Yes, dude, I’m getting rid of all of your fur,” Beca told him as she used the hose extension to vacuum the couch. She playfully aimed it at him and to her surprise; he rolled onto his back presenting his belly. Beca looked around to see if she could get Chloe’s attention from the other room but she was nowhere to be found. “What?” she asked the dog but he just stared at her, upside down, with his tongue sticking out. Beca looked down at the vacuum extension and then started going over his belly with it and pretty much vacuuming him. MJ’s tail started wagging like crazy.

“You’re such a fucking weirdo.” Beca was laughing as she continued to vacuum his belly.

“Are you vacuuming the dog?” Chloe’s amused voice came from the other side of the room.

Beca smiled. “Yeah, sometimes you just gotta go to the source.”

--

“I’m taking tomorrow off. I’m exhausted,” Chloe announced after she finished getting ready for bed. She climbed in next to Beca who had her laptop with her working on some last minute things. MJ was already in his own bed on the floor next to theirs. Beca had given up on the whole “no dogs in the bedroom” rule because it seemed like it was the only thing Chloe said that he refused to follow. It was fighting a losing battle. The only real time they kicked him out was during sex because having a dog in the same room you were having sex in was very very weird.

Beca looked up from work as Chloe cuddled up next to her rubbing their bare legs together. “Perfect timing since I will be working from home tomorrow.” She saved the file she working on and then shut the laptop close. She set it aside on her table and moved closer to Chloe, very aware of the leg that was now moving between hers.

“Yay, I get to spend the whole day bugging you while you work,” Chloe said as she lazily traced her fingers against Beca’s back, lifting her shirt to feel skin. Beca shivered.

“Babe, you’re about to start something you can’t finish.”

Chloe gasped in faux offense. “Who says I won’t finish? Or you won’t?” She grinned and moved her thigh up, pressing against Beca’s center.

Beca sucked in a breath and grabbed a hold of Chloe’s hips to stop the beginnings of a grind. “Chloe, you’re two seconds from falling asleep. Don’t pretend you haven’t fallen asleep in the middle of sex.”

Chloe laughed and removed her leg but pulled Beca closer. “For your information, Beca Mitchell, I fell asleep shortly after sex. Not during. Stop ruining my reputation and spreading false rumors.” She leaned up and pressed a kiss to Beca’s lips and reached over to turn off the lamp. “But yes, I am sleepy, so stop talking, you’re keeping me up.”

“You’re so annoying.” Beca turned around and let Chloe spoon her from behind.  She took Chloe’s hand and put it under shirt and over her stomach.

“Do you need a belly rub, too, Bec?”

“Shut up, oh my god. Go to sleep, you’re keeping the dog up.” And on cue, MJ made an annoyed grunt. “See? Go to sleep, dog!”

Chloe started drawing circles around Beca’s belly button and smiled against her shoulder when she felt the muscles twitch under her finger. “He has a name, you know? How would you feel if I called you ‘woman’ all the time?”

Beca snorted. “You call me that every time I do something you find annoying.” Of course it was always in jest.

“How hard is it to refill the Brita pitcher?”

“Go to sleep, Chloe.”

“You forgot to refill the pitcher again, didn’t you?”

“I’m leaving you.”

Chloe kissed her shoulder. “You’re stuck with me forever.”

--

Beca started her days a lot later when she was working from home. She was awoken up in the most wonderful of ways with Chloe’s head between her legs and bringing her to an orgasm in her waking moments. She was just catching her breath when Chloe replaced her mouth with two fingers and made her come again while smirking at her.

“That’s for being so goddamn annoying last night,” Chloe winked before going to the bathroom.

Beca laughed and looked down to find where Chloe put her shorts and underwear. “Babe, where are my clothes?” The shower turned on.

“You don’t need clothes when you’re about to shower with me!” Beca quickly ran to the bathroom while discarding her last item of clothing. Chloe was already in the spacious shower and she stepped in and was immediately pulled into a kiss under the hot spray.

“Wait,” Beca said pulling back. “Where’s the dog?”

Chloe’s eyes grew comically wide. “Are you seriously thinking about MJ when I’m about to give you your third orgasm before 9 o’clock?” Beca opened her mouth to retort but realized she got nothing. “He’s in the yard, Bec.” Her eyes were twinkling with amusement.

“Oh, right, duh.” She nodded and gestured for Chloe to continue.

Chloe grinned and backed Beca into the shower wall and then sank to her knees. “Hmm,” she mused and lifted Beca’s leg so it was over her shoulder. Beca gripped onto the railing that she may or may not had installed customized for situations like these. She wasn’t keen on finding “sustained fall in shower while having sex” on any hospital discharge papers. Chloe made sure Beca had a proper grip. “I’m trying to figure out when I turned you into a pillow princess. I mean, 3 to 0 really isn’t fair.”

Beca’s snarky retort died on her tongue because Chloe’s was on her clit. God, her girlfriend was annoying.

--

After her very blissful morning, (which she did reciprocate, she was not a pillow princess, thank you very much) Beca was in her in home studio working on one of her many ongoing projects. She preferred working from home because it was more relaxing and her creative juices flowed more. And working in her pajamas was a bonus. Double bonus when Chloe was home with her and her distractions were a welcome.

Beca was approaching 3 hours of nonstop working while Chloe caught up on all her TV shows she didn’t have the time to watch. She didn’t even realize it was nearly lunch time until she saw Chloe in her peripheral leaning against the door of her studio. Beca pulled the headphones down from her ears.

“Hey, babe, what’s up?”

“Well, I was going to make us lunch and  then opened our fridge and pantry and realized we haven’t gone grocery shopping in forever.” Chloe walked into the studio and stood behind Beca’s chair and was already massaging the knots in her neck. Beca let out an appreciative moan. “I’m going to make a grocery store run to pick up essentials for lunch and dinner tonight. Will you be okay with MJ for a couple of hours?” Hearing his name, Beca heard the pitter patter sounds of MJ’s paws against the hardwood floor as he trotted into her studio. A space he knows he’s not allowed in but he sat down next to her chair anyways.

Beca narrowed her eyes at him but he just gave her the same look back. “Yeah, I’m sure I can handle Cujo for a couple of hours. Go get us some sustenance, please.”  She leaned her head against the back of her chair and gave Chloe a goofy upside smile.

Chloe leaned down to kiss her forehead. “Okay, be good.” She leaned down and kissed MJ’s head too before leaving the studio.

Beca frowned as she watched Chloe walk down the hall. “Are you talking to me or the dog?”

“Both!”

MJ barked the same time Beca yelled “Rude!” He followed her to the back door before looking out the front window as Chloe’s car pulled out of the driveway. MJ let out a little whine as the car disappeared down the street. “Dude, she’ll be back. I think you’re becoming a little codependent.” He grunted at her before returning to his tennis ball.

Beca got back into a stride for a good 30 minutes when she felt a weight in her lap. She looked down and saw MJ had placed his head on her lap and looked up at her with what could only be described as puppy eyes.

“What’s up, dude?” She unconsciously scratched the back of his ears the way she’s seen Chloe done a hundred times before. His tail gave a half hearted wag. Beca resumed work and she continued to pet his head but MJ let out a high pitched whine and was still giving her the same look.

“What?” Beca furrowed her eyebrows, not quite sure what to do. “Chloe will be back in a little bit, I promise.” But MJ just made a grumbling noise, sat down, and stared at her. He whined again and then barked. “Dude, what? I don’t speak dog.” MJ almost looked annoyed before he got up again and this time tugged on the bottom of Beca’s pajama pants with his teeth.  He looked at her again and then headed for the door and sat down.

“Do you want me to follow you?” MJ’s tail started to wag when Beca finally got up and he turned around to walk towards the living room with Beca following him.  He led them to the couch and then laid down by it.

“Okay now what?” Beca asked him and then he began to paw under the couch. “Is there something under there?”  Beca knelt down and looked under the couch and laughed. MJ had pushed his tennis ball under the couch and couldn’t reach it. She had to lay completely on her stomach to retrieve it and MJ copied her actions. When she got back up, Beca handed the rescued tennis ball for him to take.

“You must be the dumbest smart dog ever.” MJ barked appreciatively and took the ball from her. “You want to play fetch with that outside?”  But MJ was already waiting by the French doors that led to the backyard.  “I’ll take that as yes.” Beca took the ball from him before opening the door and he ran outside.

“Okay, MJ, go fetch!” And Beca threw the ball across the yard, smiling.

[stressedspidergirlsfandomblog]

PT 15

(Citrus themed mentions no action, also more torture references)

Keith glances over at Shiro, gently nudges his leg, and then sighs when he realizes the other man is half asleep.

"You really are tired, huh?"

"I'm not exactly sleeping well," he points out, voice somehow dry while mumbling.

Keith shakes his head. "Does anything help?"

Shiro turns red, and shifts some, revealing the back of his neck and shells of his ears are red, too.

Knowing Shiro had 0 embarassment related to sleeping with Adam, Keith wonders what's got him riled up. "What?" He asks, leaning forward to poke Shiro's side. "C'mon. What helps?"

More or less using his heels against the carpet to push himself out of Keith's reach he makes a protest noise. 'Don't poke me.'

Keith just laughs and scoots closer to do it again. "You never get embarrassed. C'mon spill. Does Curtis heat you up some warm milk and tuck you in? Have special fuzzy jammies? What?"

Shiro shifts again, more or less choosing to roll over rather than get up. Another irritated noise that Keith has cornered him against the coffee table, he lightly presses his leg against Keith's chest to prevent him from getting closer.

"Weren't you ticklish right behind your knee?" Keith asks, catching his ankle before he can jerk away. Then again Shiro is still stupid strong and when Keith hangs on as Shiro jerks his leg, it tugs his entire body forward and off balance. Only Shiro, with 0 leverage, 1 arm, lying down, could do something like that. Immediately shifting he settles himself on top of Keith, pinning one arm to his side with his knees.

Trying to buck Shiro off without hurting him doesn't work. In that he can't seem to get him off and when he tries to use his arm Shiro catches it and pins that, too. They're more or less at a stalemate because Keith could probably break free if he wanted to. Presuming Shiro was willing to let him without taking his pound of flesh.

"Alright you win. I give up." He lightly taps the carpet as best he can.

Shiro stands up and settles on the couch instead.

"I was only asking because as long as it meant I didn't have to fuck you, I'd be willing to try it so you could get a nap."

Shiro turns red again. "We aren't there yet." For all he won't admit some of it is that so far his body isn't working right. He probably can't do that. Or at least enjoy it as much.

Keith pauses. "You and Adam put rabbits to shame." Sometimes anyway. Not school nights.

"He lost someone, too." Shiro looks at his hand, and puts it on his knee. "In the Invasion."

"Oh."

His lip quivers. "I can't imagine what he went through." Swallowing hard, he takes a breath. "His partner died buried under rubble before they could dig him out." He has no idea there's tears on his cheeks or that he's squeezing his knee so hard his whole hand is white. "Curtis tried to get him out. Kept digging even after he suffocated." His breathing hitches and his voice cracks. "He told me the doctors said there was no way, it wouldn't have mattered. He was already crushed from the rib cage down... They're not even sure how he survived long enough to call for help." Shiro doesn't realize he's shaking. "Curtis says he kept promising to dig him out, and saying he loved him, and that it'd be okay. He broke most of his fingers, shredded the skin so bad he needed grafts, and broke his forearm trying to shift the rubble. Inhaled a lot of smoke and dust, too." Sobbing softly, "I can't imagine anything worse... To be so close and not even know... To think there was hope and not get to say goodbye... " Releasing his leg he drags a hand over his face, surprised to find tears. "I couldn't survive that. I don't know how he gets out of bed every day."

Keith puts an arm around Shiro's shoulders. "Is he not ready to move on?" He asks, trying to be sympathetic. He has similar nightmares about his father burning alive. Trying to fight the fire and not making it in time. Now he wonders if he'll be digging, too.

"He is. He's over the man, if not the tragedy." Pinching the bridge of his nose, he squeezes his eyes shut trying to stop the tears. It doesn't work. "I'm not ready either. I still don't feel like this body is mine. I didn't before, either, even when it was. I can't remember where half these scars came from. I don't wanna ... Make love... And not feel like it's me doing it."

"Which scars?" Keith asks softly. He's only seen the one on Shiro's face. He's felt the ones on his back.

Shiro looks at him, and takes a breath. He pulls up the hem of his tank top and drags it over his head. Keith blanks his face. Don't react. He waits as Shiro shifts, facing away. Keith blinks rapidly.

"How many times?" He asks softly, reaching out to touch Shiro's back. Trace so many scarred over lacerations he can't count. Some were on top of each other, he can tell. Only the start or the end splitting away from the center tells him it isn't just one giant gash.

"I can't remember," Shiro whispers. "I just remember saying 'no' the once. They stripped me down and whipped me till I passed out."

Keith looks again, some of the scarring trails past the waistband of his pajama pants. Lightly touching the worst one, it had to have gone down to the bone. Maybe even damaged the spine. Shiro breaks out in goosebumps.

"Then they woke me up. And kept going. I think they jabbed me in the side with some kind of taser, it's so fuzzy. The pain was so bad."

Keith lightly touches his side, looking for any kind of burn scar, nothing's there. Shiro locks up and Keith kicks himself mentally. He knows he just triggered some kind of flashback. A waking nightmare. "Idiot," he hisses at himself.

Shiro's pupils are blown and he breaks out in a light sweat. His breathing changes and Keith knows he's back, sort of. He's seen a lot of panic attacks now, for all he hasn't seen Shiro have one. There's something they're supposed to count or do.

"Hey, look at me. What else can you see?"

"Blood," Shiro whispers, tears filling his eyes.

"No, look at me. There's no blood. There's nothing red in this apsttment, even. What do you see right now in this room?"

"Couch... A couch. Carpet. Um... Coffee table," his voice shakes.

"Good. Good. What do you feel? Three things you can feel?"

"You, couch... Cold."

Keith looks down and realizes he'd reached out at some point without noticing. They're clasping forearms and Shiro is going to leave him with an ugly bruise.

"Okay, something you hear."

Shiro flinches like he's been struck. Then focuses his eyes on Keith. "You breathing... The upstairs apartment has water running... My heart pounding." He's already a little calmer.

"Uh, last one I think. Something you can smell."

Inhaling deeply, his nostrils flare and he tries to center himself. "Bacon. You used my soap..." Which isn't accusatory he just smells it on Keith.

"I'm so sorry. I had no idea I'd trigger anything."

"It's fine." Shiro closes his eyes, tears streaming out from under the lids. "I fought back," he smiles beatifically. "I resisted." He hadn't just gone along with it after the first time. He hadn't broken instantly.

"I fought back and refused to execute people no matter what they did to me," he whispers. "I only stopped when they realized torturing the prisoners to death in front of me was worse than them torturing me. I could take any pain they dished out. I couldn't watch them skin someone alive.

"They made sure I would be in the room when they did it. Tied me up and made me watch. It was faster and kinder if I just killed who they told me to." He runs a hand through his hair, gripping it. "She didn't stop screaming for hours and I couldn't take it back. I've never been so sick in my life. I begged to trade places with her. Promised to kill her. Anything to make it stop. Make them stop hurting her."

Keith looks away. He can't keep his face blank after that. He wraps his arms around Shiro and hides his face in the other man's shoulders. Shiro hugs him back, breathing rough and uneven. "We shoulda just gone back to sleep," Keith says roughly. For all that's twice now he's seen something ugly around Shiro drop away.

"Probably."

"You never did answer my question."

"And I never will," Shiro mutters. He's not going to admit that sleeping next to Curtis and being able to hear or feel his heartbeat makes him feel safe. Just being held, and loved is healing in and of itself. His favorite 'position' with Curtis is his head on the other man's chest above his heart. He also likes being the little spoon, if he's being honest. He was usually the big spoon with Adam. Not always. Not on bad days. But then again he feels like most days are bad, now.

"We should get you some stuff for your apartment."

"No need. Curtis kinda asked if I might wanna move in with him when his lease is up."

"Ooh." Keith feels like Lance or Hunk would love this conversation. He just feels silly trying to act normal. He has no idea how to navigate this conversation. He's glad. He's not sure if it's too soon or not. But he's seen the way they look at each other. It's right. They fit right.

"I'm clearing out a drawer for him in case he sleeps here."

"Does he complain it's like sleeping with Dracula?"

"Dracula lived in an opulent castle, Keith. See, id you hadn't failed your literature classes and then gotten expelled, you'd know that."

"I know the doctor is the monster."

"Everyone knows that. Even Lance knows that."

"No way."

"Yeah he knows."

"You willing to bet on it?"

"Not anymore," Shiro mutters. "But I'm still right." He glances at the clock over the stove. "We have about an hour and a half before we have to leave."

"You just wanna lie down?" Keith asks. "Or are you telling me to set an alarm?"

"Both?" Shiro yawns so hard his jaw cracks.

"Stay out here? I'll get you a blanket. Will the holo bug you if it's on?"

"Nah."

Keith gets up and drags the comforter off the bed and a pillow. There's nothing on the couch. Settling himself against the arm rest he drops the pillow on his lap, still holding onto the comforter which he's bunched up against his chest. Shiro eyes him warily but chooses to lie down anyway. Keith tosses the blanket over him and they both settle into comfortable positions.

Flipping on the holo, he watches whatever he wants, one hand resting on Shiro's shoulder the whole time. Pidge supposedly has some kind of surprise waiting for them.

Shiro's asleep in seconds. Constant nightmares and emotional exhaustion sucking him under immediately. Keith dozes off and on. The last 48 hours have been a hell of an emotional rollercoaster for both of them.

[stephenremedios]

My experiments with Covid-19

Day 1 - 23rd September 2020:

Consistent with my morning routine, I returned from a game of tennis to discover that Dylan was feeling tired and fatigued after his morning soccer game with other kids in the community. He washed up and sat through his online classes. It was the third day of his first cumulative assessment. The boys had all begun their first term examination on Monday. It was a new experience for them, but they seemed to enjoy the new format much better! Aidan was of the view that the questions made him think more and write less. By lunch Dylan was spent. He went to sleep and woke up in time for dinner.

We all sleep in the same room, with Dylan at one corner and me on the other side. Aidan, Ethan and then Ray. I ended up giving his aching limbs a short massage as he struggled to go to sleep. He tossed and turned for a bit, but finally fatigue took over. Ray suggested I take his temperature. It was 98.1F

Day 2- 24th September 2020:

Dylan woke up feeling normal the next morning. We historically associate these bouts of fatigue and fever with a growth spurt. Dylan stood next to our Thomas height scale and I measured his height – he had grown 2 cm since the last time we had taken a reading, two months ago.

Known for being the paranoid person in the house, I insisted the boys take a break from soccer as a matter of abundant caution. I had a tennis date at 6:30 that I regretted – I was feeling fine, but I decided to play it safe. 

It was this same paranoia that had me list all the potential sources of infection when the pandemic first emerged. After looking at our lifestyle we decided to do away with a driver and a maid. We retained a gardener with the caveat that no one would work with him in the garden at the same time. We switched to shopping online to minimize exposure to many people in a mall or supermarket. 

These measures had been effective over the last six months so there was no reason to think we had contracted the dreaded Covid-19.

At about 6:00 in the evening I started to feel itchy at the back of my throat. I hadn’t had a cold or cough in over 7 months. Raynah suggested I do a Betadine gargle before I went to sleep that night, which I did. 

Day 3 - 25th September 2020:

I woke up with a high fever, intense body pain and a sense of having no energy whatsoever. It was a new feeling; unlike anything I had experienced before. It was like I had gone from a 100% to 5% in 24 hours. I woke up well past my usual wake time of 6:00 AM. The boys told me that their normal morning visit to Villa #10 to visit my mother and play with the kittens hadn’t fructified because she wasn’t answering the doorbell.

I proceeded to Villa #10 to see why she wasn’t answering the bell. Like the boys had reported, she wasn’t responding to the bell or to my calls to her window right below the garage. Spotty, the mother of the three kittens was pacing up and down the entrance of the house while the hungry kittens were scaling the curtains in desperation on the inside of the house. Clearly something was amiss. 

I used the duplicate key we have to the house to let myself in. Spot edged into the house before I could retrieve the key from the door. The kittens mobbed her desperate for their early morning feed. I made my way up to the bedroom.

Opening the door, I found my mother looking like she had been on an IV drip for the last week. She had a bad night too. We proceeded to exchange notes on our symptoms. We were both in awe of the speed of the onset and the extent of debilitation in such a short while. We agreed it was a bad flu.

We resolved that the best way to fight it would be to sleep as much as possible, to allow the body to recover from this nasty bug. Aidan meanwhile complained of a mild cough but didn’t have any fever or any other symptoms. Dylan rebounded like he always does and asked if he could go and hit against the wall in the tennis court for a while. He settled for a game of indoor squash with Ethan instead. I slept 13.4 hours of the 20 hours I spent in bed that day.

Day 4 - 26th September 2020:

A much better night after two torrid nights. I had begun a course of antibiotics the previous night and my cough was on the mend. I woke up feeling much better. The tennis gang was starting a little later today given the overnight rainfall had rendered the courts unplayable at our usual 6:30 AM start time. 

A notification on my phone asked “Are you good to play @8:00”. While I fancied a few sets of low intensity doubles I decided to play it safe again. The conversation ended with advice to do steam inhalation to overcome the cough. 

Raynah woke up later than usual, with a slight fever and body ache. She didn’t have a cough though. She pushed through the fatigue rustling up a special weekend meal. I could smell the aroma of the meal from the bedroom as she rustled it up in the kitchen. I reassured myself that it wasn’t Covid-19. After all I hadn’t lost my sense of smell.

The boys do athletics and fitness classes on the weekends. Raynah and I decided it made sense to keep them back from classes. We deliberated on whether to send Aidan and Ethan since only Dylan had been ill on Wednesday. We decided it wasn’t worth the taking the risk no matter how insignificant it seemed at the time.

Day 5 - 27th September 2020:

I had a restless night, struggling to find any periods of deep sleep. My body was still fighting the infection and I was convinced that this was a strain of flu that I hadn’t experienced before. Ray continued feeling a little unwell so I let her sleep an hour longer and fixed the boys cereal for breakfast.

Later in the day we all came together to record a short concert for my sister’s son, Neil in the US. We had forgotten to call on the 26th (his birthday). We usually all jump on a call and sing LIVE! This time we would have to settle for a recorded message.

All in all it was an eventless day and it seemed like everyone on was on the path to make a quick recovery from the flu. If Dylan had indeed been the one that brought it in, then surely we should make a speedy recovery just like he did. 

Day 6 - 28th September 2020:

With the antibiotic kicking in, my throat was on the mend. It felt like my energy levels were inching back up. The fever was on a downward trajectory. The worst was behind us. Raynah continued to have mild flu symptoms and my mother hadn’t shown any signs of a fever the previous night. She had recovered sufficiently to make food for the ‘patients in #145’ she joked. Her main movements over the next 48 hours would be to deliver food to us since both Ray and I continued to be under the weather. Ray began to experience breathlessness when she climbed the steps that evening. I was concerned but concluded it was probably just the fatigue of having cleaned the whole house that day. The larger picture suggested that we were all progressing in the right direction.

We would have gone to sleep that night without having considered for a moment that we might be Covid +ve. 

We are early sleepers. Lights go out by 9:00 and everyone is usually asleep by 9:30 after some bedtime banter. A little past 8:45 PM Ray read out an email from the Ozone Kovid Kare team – The live-in help at one of the houses of the boys who play soccer with Aidan and Dylan had tested +ve for Covid (It is a separate matter that he turned out to be a false positive when he was re-tested!). 

In that moment, the odds of us having contracted Covid increased from 0% to 1% in my mind. It was now possible that the boy got it from his house help, Dylan got it from the boy, that my mom and I got it from Dylan and then the rest of the family got it too! (It is a separate matter that Aidan, Dylan, Ethan and all the boys and their families tested negative and we still haven’t figured out where we picked the virus up from).

It was playing out like the closing sequence of the movie Contagion in my mind! Dylan picking up the virus as he rubbed his nose after touching the ball while playing soccer. My mom inhaling the virus as Dylan recited a poem later that evening while he was doing his studies with her. Ray interrupted my rampant imagination. “What should be do now?” she asked.

Given that there was now a 1% chance that we might have Covid, Ray and I decided that we should get tested. We were still sure that it was just a flu since the only person still feeling a little ill at that time was me. I’m intrinsically risk averse, and most of my reading suggested that people were dying when they were taken to hospitals too late in their fight with the virus. To save time it made sense to get tested along with the boy’s family.

After a few late-night calls and assistance from the very resourceful Ozone Kovid Kare Team we were all set to get tested the next day along with the family whose domestic help had tested positive.

Day 7 - 29th September 2020:

Our hall room has furniture on the sides with a wide-open space in the middle. The boys have spent hours during the lockdown hitting shuttles and table tennis balls against this wall. A broken light fitting that we decided not to replace after it was repeatedly broken by the boys tells the story of many hours of fierce combat with the wall. The wall also doubles up as a green screen for Aidan’s live streams and as a film screen when we run home movies.

When the lab technician arrived in full PPE to do the tests, our hall room looked more like a operation theatre than the usual improvised squash court it normally is. Today that expansive wall framed a single chair under the lights in the center of the room. We took turns to sit down on this chair while the technician first sent a swab up our nostrils and then down our throats. The technician did a thorough job, swabbing both nostrils till tears were streaming down my eyes. For the throat probe, he went deep enough to stimulate an involuntary cramp in my neck. If you experience discomfort during the swab collection, chances are that it is being done effectively. The technician told us that it takes 24-48 hours to get the results and that we should expect a call any time after 4:00 PM on the following day.

The boys meanwhile recorded the proceedings on their iPads with great excitement, unable to comprehend the gravity of the situation. They demanded to be tested as well fearing that they were missing out on this once-in-al-lifetime adventure.

My sister in Oregon, US had been anxious. Her husband was up late and received the pictures of the testing event. He assured her that all was well and that we would have the results the next day.

My mother and Ray looked to already be on a recovery path. The boys were fighting with us to allow then to resume their normal morning soccer routine. We asked that they be patient and hold on for one more day. The results would be here tomorrow, and they could return to their normal routine.

As we went to bed that night, I apologized to Ray for not having done anything for her birthday! I joked that a -ve Covid test certificate might be the most original, unique, quirky and memorable birthday present she would every receive.

Day 8 - 30th September 2020

I had an unusually high fever the previous night and felt lethargic and was exhausted when I woke up. Despite multiple doses of paracetamol my temperature had hovered between 102F & 103F without any signs of going down. My resting heart rate had also jumped from a normal 56 bpm to 69 bpm. My body was still fighting this virus. My mom walked over in the morning to deliver a cake for Ray and to drop a card in the mailbox. We were keen that that we cut it in the morning and start the day on a positive note. 

Ray received a call from the laboratory at about 11:00 AM. He was very apologetic as he informed her that all three of us had tested positive, while the entire family of person who had initially tested positive were all negative! 

It took about a minute for the information to sink in. 

We were all Covid +ve. 

My first reaction was to suggest that we all get tested again… this couldn’t possibly be true. After all, the house help had gone from being +ve to -ve in 24 hours. It might well be the same with us.

We hadn’t discussed the plan in the event of testing positive, so the first big decision was to figure out how to get my mom to our house given we now knew she was positive. Would we have to get an ambulance? 

In the hour after the call to confirm our infection a variety of worst-case scenarios flashed through my head. I am wired like that. My mother and wife would be taken in an ambulance to a woman specific Covid Care Center. The boys and I would be whisked off to a gent only center. Our phones would be taken away. 

Given the shortage of beds in general, how would they have 6 beds if all of us took ill? How was it all that four of us were symptomatic and I had moderate to severe symptoms when most people seem to have been asymptomatic? From all the metrics that I was tracking I knew there was something wreaking havoc on my vitals. Was I going to be admitted? Was I going to need oxygen? Was I going to end up on a ventilator? Was I going to die?

My mother meanwhile decided she wanted to quarantine by herself. She is an iron willed woman and I wasn’t in any shape to have a disagreement with her. It was particularly difficult for me to have her spend the next 14 days in isolation because she was at the receiving end of an acrimonious accusation relating to the cake she delivered for Ray’s birthday that morning. I absolved myself of the guilt I was experiencing at not being able to be there for my mom and got on with more pressing matters.

I reined my thoughts in and determined that this crisis called for some affirmative action. With tremendous help from my assistant Freeda, we were signed up for a home care Covid Care package within 4 hours of our positive result being known to us. At 5:30 that evening we received all our medication along with a digital thermometer and Oximeter neatly packed in a box.

The magnitude of the disease stuck me when I opened the box and saw the number of pills within it. I have never ingested so many pills in a single sitting ever. We all began our course of anti-viral medication that evening. I struggled to sleep that night. It was a combination of fear and a difficulty with my breathing that kept me awake and restless. I discovered the next morning that my fever had been well over 101F for most of the night.

Day 9 - 1st October 2020

While Ray and my mom seemed to be making good progress, my downward spiral continued. The chills had returned, and I spent most of the day covered from head to toe in bed. I had read that sleeping in the prone position helps the lungs in the fight and recovery, so I began to experiment with that. From time to time, the pulse Oximeter would show an initial reading of 93 and 94 before deep breathing would bring it to a more acceptable 95 or 96. I would feel breathless after climbing the dozen steps to get to our bedroom.

My temperature remained high through the day hovering between 103 F and 104 F. I decided it might be a good idea to speak with another doctor.

The first thing that the doctor did after a barrage of questions and giving me a patient hearing was to assure me that I was not going to die! He said that he had seen over 2000 cases in his ward, and that there was no need to be alarmed. It seemed like a silly thing, but the conviction in his voice when he said it made me hopeful and positive. 

The second thing he told me was that all the current medication I was taking was 'candy’, and that none of it had cleared clinical trials. The medication was essentially in his reckoning, a placebo. It wouldn’t do any harm. It wouldn’t help either. He told me to continue my course of anti-biotics and use paracetamol to manage the fever.

That conversation left me hopeful and distraught at the same time. How could I be taking so many pills when there was no evidence to conclusively say they worked? We resolved to continue our medication and see how our bodies responded. 

Antivirals are dosed in an interesting way as I discovered. The first two doses are monster doses (1800 mg) and then it drops to smaller doses (400 mg). It does not help that these tablets are manufactured in 200 mg shots. It is quite daunting when you have to put down 9 of them! By 10:00 PM that night I had 4000 mg of the anti-viral in me and I wasn’t feeling any better. I was starting to feel worse.

Earlier in the day, Shanthi, a doctor resident in our Community offered her research and findings as an alternate way to combat and inhibit the progress of the disease. She referenced the work of Dr. Paul Marik and suggested that we add a few common medications that had proven effective in helping fight the virus in some trials. She cautioned of course that these weren’t 100% proven but reduced the odds of fatalities.

From where I was both physically and psychologically, I would have taken any medication that reduced the odds of my death by as little as 1%. We went all in. I was now on three prescriptions desperately hoping that one would work and that I would start to get better.

Within minutes of us confirming that we would go with Dr. Shanti’s line of treatment, her husband Pravin dropped off all the medication for the three of us in neatly labelled Ziploc pouches. We promptly took our first doses before going to bed that night.

That night was the toughest night. My body wasn’t feeling good at all. I had now lost a sense of smell and taste completely. Repeated bouts of coughing incessantly made me feel like throwing up all the time. I had no appetite. I had lost 4 kgs in the week since I first felt an itch at the back of my throat. I struggled to sleep in a prone position since it isn’t how I normally sleep. I considered what I might pack if my Oxidation dropped and I needed to get admitted the next day. I had carried an Oximeter to bed that night. I wanted to stay on top of my oxidation levels should they drop suddenly. 

I had read enough about a condition that afflicts some Covid patients called ‘happy hypoxia’ and it had scared me sufficiently to make me even more paranoid. I took my Oxidation over a dozen times through the night. On a couple of occasions, it began at 93, but with deep breathing in a prone position rose to 97 within the minute. I didn’t sleep much that night.

Day 10 – 2nd October 2020

I woke up feeling fatigued. I hadn’t slept much; my fever had been high, and my cough continued. The cough was particularly severe when I woke up and I would have these bouts where I would cough incessantly for 2-3 minutes. It felt like there was a significant amount of phlegm at the bottom of my throat, but the cough was a dry one. I also began to notice that I would feel breathless when I spoke a couple of sentences at a time. Raynah and my mother had stopped logging a temperature and their oxidation levels had been healthy throughout. It was particularly frustrating that the virus had singled me out for this special treatment.

 I remember counting the pills I took that morning. I had 6 before breakfast and 12 after. I was throwing the proverbial kitchen sink at the problem. After downing all of them, I returned to the bed to try and sleep. I forgot to have my paracetamol that morning. The BBMP came to test the boys that morning.

I woke up at about 2:00 in the afternoon sweating profusely. My head was dripping with perspiration like it might after a lung busting rally on the tennis court on a summer morning. I hadn’t taken medication and my fever had broken. Surely that must be a good sign.

At 4:00 that evening I received a call from the hospital. I expected it was our usual doctor checking on my progress. It was a psychologist. I have never spoken to a psychologist in my life up to this point so I am not quite sure what to expect. From everything I have seen in the movies, I expect to do most of the talking.

Her first question explores my anxiety levels. I tell her that I am extremely anxious given that all six of us contracted the virus and I was the only one who got a knock out punch. 

Her next set of questions explore my history of stress and hypertension. I assure that I don’t have any such conditions despite a family history of these ailments.

She offers me medication to handle my nightly ruminations as an SOS if I am unable to sleep. I am also advised to wear a rubber band around my wrist which I am to pull and release every time I notice I’m having negative thoughts.

I slept for the rest of the day and my fever dropped from its previous highs. I had recovered enough by the evening to enjoy a cup of tomato soup without fearing that I would throw it up.

Day 11 & 12 – October 3rd and 4th

Two very similar days. It felt like things were in the balance and could go either way. 

The boys test results came in, and miraculously all three tested negative. A large number of people in the community including all our primary and secondary contacts tested negative as well. I didn’t know what to make of this. From everything that I had read, it was well past 10 days since the boys first got infected. Given they were asymptomatic with the exception of Dylan’s one day sickness they were probably virus free by the time we tested them. That’s the only plausible explanation for their negative tests.

None of us wake up hoping to spread a virus. 

As a family we heaved a collective sigh of relief that we hadn’t inadvertently infected anyone else in the community. Looking back we are glad that we erred on the side of caution.

My fever continued to hover between 100F & 101F. I was measuring my blood oxidation almost every hour to stay on top of any potential drop. I had begun to take melatonin but that wasn’t helping me sleep any better. My respiratory rate had been closer to 19 per minute, above my normal 17 per minute rate in the run up to the sickness.

The cough continued though I was now regaining my sense of small and taste. My appetite also began to return in a big way and I had a hearty meal after a long time. It wasn’t that the food wasn’t tasty over the previous week, I just couldn’t get myself to eat more than the bare minimum to be able to take all my medication.

Day 13 to 18 – October 5th to October 12th

What a tremendous relief it was to wake up without a fever finally. I concluded that the body had fought the virus successfully. That closed one potentially dangerous chapter and opened another equally threatening one – would a cytokine storm follow? An excessive immune response can also do damage to your body in several ways. While the cytokine storm begins in the lungs it can quickly spread to other parts of the body leading to a variety of complications.

This period was also filled with anxiety waiting to see if there was any googly along the recovery path. While the fever was gone, the residual dry cough was now being treated with a steroid. The doctor’s view was that the lungs would take between 3 to 6 months to repair the damage the virus had done. I would have to do an X Ray a month later to make sure that the repair was headed in the right direction.

As a matter of abundant precaution, I continue to track my blood oxidation every few hours. I know for certain that I’m no longer Covid +ve, but I’m not out of the woods yet. A statin and a blood thinner will hopefully cut the risk of a heart attack and a stroke (both run in the family!). A battery of other supplements like Zinc, Vitamin C & D etc. will reduce the internal inflammation and help the body recover faster. The path back from this disease is a slow one and I’m learning to be patient with myself. In a strange way, I am more aware of every breath that I take.

Day 19 - Today 13th October 2020

I still haven’t accepted that the risk level we signed up for resulted in the whole family getting infected. Worse still, the failure to identify the source and the limited immunity that you have even after contracting it means that we live in fear of the family getting it again. Looking back, I ask myself what I would have done differently!

1.     We should have gotten tested earlier: It helped that we quarantined as a family as soon as Dylan experienced tiredness for a day, but we all should have gotten tested earlier. The assumption that our limited contact with the external world made it impossible for us to contract Covid was a wrong one. If anyone in the family gets a fever or cough going forward, we will test at once.

2.     We should have prepared better from a knowledge perspective: Raynah did a great job preparing for Covid. We have had the sanitizers, household disinfectants, plastic gloves, disposable masks etc. for over 6 months before we got sick. We weren’t prepared however with the right knowledge. It is very disorienting to get different directions from well-intentioned doctors and choose a course of action when you can’t look after yourself! We were very fortunate to have Shanti share literally the latest research (published on the 28th of September!)  in the US with us. We will have a small Covid medication kit at home updated for the latest clinical trials going forward.

3. We should have had a plan in the event of testing positive: I was in denial even after the test results came in. I still spend a lot of my waking time retracing everyone’s movements in the run up to the first instance of fatigue in the family. Thinking through what you will do should you test positive is easier when you aren’t positive. We have a plan of action should anyone test positive again in the family.

We are grateful that we didn’t infect anyone, and that the limited set of people we had contact with all tested negative as part of the contact tracing protocol. Without knowing for sure who got infected first and where the infection came from, there is no way of knowing anything for certain.

Having been through this ordeal, what advice would I offer you? 

Take this virus very seriously. For many it might pass without them even realizing that had it. For a few however it can literally mean a life and death situation in a matter of a week if you ignore it. Take all the precautions you can. I saw this Swiss Cheese analogy on the internet from Dr. Ian M Mackay that made a lot of sense to me. We took all the precautions but the virus still reached our respiratory tract!

As I lay awake one night struggling to breathe, coming to terms with the new prone sleeping position I asked myself what kind of gambler I might be if I was gambling with my life.

If someone gave me the chance to roll a wheel with a 2% chance of dying, would I take it?

 The answer is a resounding ‘No’!

 If there’s one piece of advice that you take away from reading this piece let it be this – go to great lengths to protect yourself and your family from this virus. The only thing you have any control over is the risk level you expose yourself to. Once you contract the virus you are pretty much at the mercy of the virus and no one can predict what happens next. It is entirely a matter of chance!

It can pass without you even noticing you had it. Ask Aidan and Ethan. 

It can knock you out for a few hours. Ask Dylan. 

It can be no more severe than a common flu. Ask Ray and my mom. 

It can leave you breathless, with damaged lungs and a residual pneumonia. Ask me. 

It can kill you. Ask anyone who has lost a friend or loved one to the disease.

The science is still approximate with new cocktails and regimes of medication being added to clinical trials every day across the world. Do everything you can to minimize the odds of getting the virus, cut every possible surplus contact. Mask up and maintain physical distancing.

[suckitsurveys]

Are you currently wearing anything red? I have a tiny red bow on my underwear.

Have you had a deep conversation with anyone today? Nope.

What would you say is the most disgusting thing you’ve ever tasted? Capers.

What was the last food you got a random craving for? I don’t remember.

Has anyone/anything made you angry recently? Yes, always.

Who did you last go to the cinema with? My niece earlier this year to see Moana.

What was the last song that got stuck in your head? How Far I’ll Go from Moana is now stuck in my head thanks to the previous question haha.

When was the last time you listened to it? It’s been a while.

Who was the last person to say something thought-provoking? I have no idea.

On your Facebook friends list, who was the last person to have their b-day? My friend Mary’s birthday was yesterday. Also America’s.

How old were they? 37.

What did you/are you having for dinner tonight? I have no idea, I have to plan meals for the rest of the week at some point today.

Is your best friend in a relationship? Lydia and Sarah both are in relationships. Randal is not.

How old were you 5 years ago? 22/23.

What is something you enjoy doing, but aren’t good at? Singing, I guess.

Who was the last person you talked to, whose name started with ‘C’? The temp Creighton.

What colour are that person’s eyes? I have no idea.

Name some healthy foods that you enjoy eating. Veggies!

What is your favourite Studio Ghibli film? I guess Spirited Away.

Do you have a favourite hair accessory? What does it look like? Just good ol’ fashioned hair ties.

What’s your favourite type of insect? Lighting bugs.

What’s your LEAST favourite type of insect? Earwigs.

Who was the last person you Facebook messaged? Stephanie.

What’s his/her favourite food? I’m not sure. I’ll ask her next time I see her.

Did you have a good day yesterday? What did you do? Yes! We had a 4th of July bbq and ate a bunch of burgers and drank yummy drinks and jello shots and had a bonfire going and lit some sparklers and Stephanie’s friend brought actual fireworks and I got to light a couple!

When was the last time you went to a fancy dress party? I don’t know if I have ever been to a party you would call “fancy.”

Who/what did you dress as? ^

What genre was the last film you watched? Did you like it? Comedy, and yes.

Have you made a sandwich today? What did you put on it? I am actually going to make a sandwich for lunch. If sloppy joes count as sandwiches that is.

If your best friend was a fictional character, who would he/she be? Why? A mix of Gayle from Bob’s Burgers and Liz Lemon from 30 Rock. Because she’s basically both of them already.

Do you remember the last time you overheard part of a random conversation? I can overhear my coworkers talking in the other room.

Did it make you feel awkward? Nope.

What were you doing at 10 o'clock this morning? This, haha.

How many vowels are there in your first name? One, but it’s repeated twice.

What was the last song you listened to? Does it mean anything to you? No idea.

What flavour was the last cupcake you ate? Stephanie’s friend made brownies in a cupcake pan for the party yesterday. They were fudge with M&Ms in them.

When was the last time you complimented a stranger? I don’t remember.

What’s your favourite milkshake flavour? Vanilla.

Have you had an interesting or amusing dream recently? Eh.

Do you know how old your favourite actor is? She just turned 33 I believe.

Is there anything worrying you right now? Getting back on a healthy eating plan.

If so, have you talked to anyone about it? Mark. Is there anything you desperately want, that you can’t have? To lose 30lbs in like 2 weeks.

When will you next see your best friend? When Lydia comes back from vacation; when Sarah comes to Chicago/Wisconsin for my wedding celebration; when Randal is free again.

Apart from sleeping, what do you plan to do tonight? We have to go to dad’s to stay over with my grandmother for the next 10 days and I don’t want to fucking do that.

What’s the age difference between your parents? My father is older by 2 years.

You can only have one flavour of ice-cream for the rest of your life. Which do you choose? Butter pecan.

Are there any foods you’ve been craving, or eating a lot of, just recently? I’ve been eating so many burgers lately.

When was the last time you wanted to do something, but didn’t do it? I want to tell off my brother in law so bad.

Why did you choose not to do it? I have to work with him and I don’t want it to effect the relationship I have with my sister.

When was the last time you ate an apple? A couple of weeks ago.

What’s the nicest thing your best friend has ever said to you? They say a lot of nice things.

Have you ever experienced a hangover? Yes, currently. Oops.

What was the last food or drink that you tried for the first time? Some sort of Bosnian sausage yesterday, I forget the name of it.

Did you like it? I did! I was a little weary of it because it’s apparently made with veal, but I took one for the team and it was really good. I probably wouldn’t seek it out to eat on my own though.

What is your least favourite pizza topping? Pineapple. Fight me. Also I don’t like green peppers or onions on my pizza. But I do like all three of those things off pizza.

What do your friends think of the person you’re currently interested in? Everyone seems to love Mark and they all say he’s perfect for me. :)

Name one of your favourite foods, that starts with the letter ’S’. Salsa!

The last time you hung out with your sibling(s), what did you do? My sister came to my housewarming party a couple weeks ago.

Who was the last blue-eyed person you spoke to? Good question.

Is there a person you’d like to speak to right now? I wish Mark was awake to discus food with me.

Why that person, specifically? ^

When you woke up this morning, what was on your mind? I woke up at 4:30 with a bad tummy ache, so that.

At this moment, what are you most looking forward to? Weddinggggg.

Do you have any scented candles in your home? What scent(s)? I have a honeysuckle one in the kitchen and a vanilla one in the living room. We also have two wax burners that both have coconut in them

Are you planning any special outings with family or friends? Yes, in September my friends and family and I are going to the Dells to an indoor waterpark to celebrate me and Mark’s wedding.

Who were the last 3 males you talked to? Eric, Creighton, and Tony. Coworkers.

Do you ever wear lipstick? What colour(s) do you prefer? Nope.

If you have a pet, when did you last pet him/her? This morning when she crawled on me.

Do you have a favourite Celine Dion song? My Heart Will Go On, naturally.

Name one of your favourite foods, that starts with the letter ‘C’. Crab legs.

Does the person love/like have a car? What colour is it? Nope, he uses my car, which is silver.

Have you ever received a compliment on anything you’re wearing? On something currently? I get compliments on my Pusheen sweatshirt constantly.

Have you had any caffeinated beverages today? Yes, my green tea latte.

What was the last alcoholic drink you tried for the first time? A French Martini.

Did you like it? Yes I did.

Have you eaten any chocolate today? What kind? I have not.

The last person you kissed - are they older or younger than you? 5 years older.

When was the last time someone wanted you to do something, and you refused? I refuse to stop referring to my brother in law as a temp even though he asked me to because that’s what he fucking is.

What’s your favourite feature of the person you’re currently interested in? His face is nice. And his arms. And pretty much all of him.

How many people have you hugged today? 0.

Do you have a favourite hair colour or eye colour on your preferred sex? Nah.

Do you remember the first CD you ever bought? Tragic Kingdom from No Doubt.

Is there anyone on your mind atm? Nah.

The last song you listened to - does it remind you of anyone? Didn’t you ask this?

Is your birth year an odd or even number? Odd.

Have you eaten any of your favourite foods today? Nope.

What did you have for lunch yesterday? I didn’t have a legit lunch. I had some Chex mix and a bloody mary, haha.

Who was the last person you messaged on Facebook? What’s their sign? I’m not sure actually. She told me her birthday but I’m blanking. Maybe it says it on her Facebook. March 6th, which would make her a Pisces.

How many different towns/cities have you lived in? Just the one.

What are your parents’ middle names? Irvin and Kay.

Are your eyes the same colour as your sibling’s? Yes.

How many pets do you have? Would you like any more? One kitten. I would like 17 more kittens.

Do you prefer still or sparkling drinks? I don’t like sparking water, if that’s what you mean.

Is there a song you can’t stop listening to atm? Not really.

Did you have a strange or interesting dream last night? Is it just me or is they survey repeating a lot of questions? I may still be stuck on the survey I took before this one though.

Which friend do you confide in most? Ellen and Kayla, usually.

Who was the first male you talked to today? What colour are his eyes? This is definitely a few surveys smushed together, but oh well. <--Ahh, see I knew something was fishy with this survey.

Are you wearing any accessories in your hair? Describe them: Nope. I actually just took it out of a ponytail a minute ago.

When was the last time you felt ill? What was wrong? This morning, my stomach is feeling weird.

If given the chance, would you change anything that’s happened today? ^

Who was your first best friend? Do you still speak to that person? I guess some girl named Liz in grade school. I have her on facebook and we kinda still talk but not really.

Do you like your middle name, or does it embarrass you? I love my middle name. I think it’s super interesting.

Are you wearing anything that was given to you as a gift? My dad bought me this shirt in Arizona. And my engagement ring was technically a gift?

Have you received any compliments about your appearance today? Nope.

Have you ever written a song or poem for someone special? Nah.

Have you ever had an argument with the last person you text messaged? Nope.

What colour is your shampoo bottle? Clear.

Are you attracted to the last person you Facebook messaged? Nah. She’s cute but other than that, nothing.

Do you have any ice-cream in your freezer? What flavour is it? Nope.

Have you spoken to any of your neighbours today? Yeah, Stephanie is my neighbor and the person I mentioned two questions above.

[canaryatlaw]

Sigh. I didn't *mean* to stay up this late....although I never really mean to stay up till 4:30 am. Ugh. My room is currently filled with various flies and other bugs which is very irritating so we're gonna have to deal with finding how that's happening tomorrow. But today. The last 24 hours have been pretty nuts and intense, for some reasons I'll share and some I'm going to keep to myself. I could NOT fall asleep last night, and kept tossing and turning because I was sure I took my meds, only when I finally went to take another melatonin around 5 am I discovered I took the meds from the wrong fucking day, which did not include the Xanax I'm now apparently dependent on to fall asleep (and that's fucking wonderful). Even from there it still took a while, I think I finally passed out shortly before 7. Luckily I got to sleep until like 11, so that's something at least. Everyone was pretty much waiting on me so I got ready quickly and threw my stuff together, since we were gonna go to the "downtown" section of the town my cousins live in and go to the airport from there. So we head down there and end up having lunch at this cute little brewery place, I got a kind of curious burger that had shrimp on it but was really good! I appreciated that in the women's bathroom stalls they had a specific note about if you're date isn't going well or you're uncomfortable with who you're with for any reason, go to the bar and order an angel shot and they'll get you out of there safely. That has been floating around the Internet of course, but I very much appreciated them putting it there as I'm sure there are many who don't know. From there we went to some of the little shops and mostly just browsed, looking at the touristy t-shirts and such. I wanted to get a pirate themed sign that says "wenches" for my sister and I to hang out our door but my mom was dead set against it and wouldn't let me 😂 lol. There was one store that had a bunch of funny things and I ended up getting two bumper stickers and two magnets from there, the bumper stickers say "well behaved women rarely make history" which I gave to my sister, and the other says something along the lines of "those who say it can't be need to stop getting in the way of those who are doing it." I couldn't resist the magnets because I knew my roommate would appreciate them, one of them says "Jesus would kick the shit out of you" which is great because that's how I feel about many people who call themselves Christians and then do terrible things to people, and the other has a picture of Trump and it says "days without being a national embarrassment: 0" and I just couldn't resist. From there we made a final stop at a coffee place and then headed to the airport. We said our goodbyes and got through to the gate extremely quickly because the airport is ridiculously tiny, it's literally one hallway with like, 8 gates total lol. Earlier when we were driving my aunt had asked if I was planning on staying in Chicago after law school, and since I made up my mind yesterday that I won't be I said no, and of course my mother was like "this is the first time I'm hearing this" and I was like "yeah well that's because I made the decision yesterday" 😂 lol. But while we were waiting at the gate I mentioned I would really miss my church in Chi more than anything, and she was saying how there are plenty of good ones and I started voicing my objections with many churches which then led to a bit of a political fight and me getting frustrated because she like just doesn't pay attention to anything that's going on and thinks everything is sunshine and rainbows with Trump and I'm just like UGH. But whatever. I'll probably send her news updates now 😂 though idk of she'll read them. Oh well. Got on the plane, and I spend probably a solid half hour defeating the "hard" sudoku puzzle in the back of the airline magazine. I'm out of practice, or it would've been shorter lol but I was still proud of myself for getting it done because there were a few times I thought I was gonna be stumped but I got creative. After that I started a long CC fanfic that had been on my marked for later list but I REALLY wanted to start reading it and it's soooo good so far I just want to read it all the time lol. So I got like 30 pages into that (out of 120) before we landed. Got our bags, then had to take a shuttle to another lot where they were making the cars wait which was irritating, but I guess it's better than the mess it was trying to get through beforehand. Drove home, and are Chinese food with the family. I felt randomly inspired to kick around a soccer ball after, but the soccer ball I had last year had since disappeared, so I ventured into the basement to see if there were any in there. I found 4, two were deflated and two had something else wrong with them that they were like, rock hard, and I swear one of them I bought when I was like six. But I took those two up and tried to play with them, but they did not function as actual soccer balls so I'm gonna have to make a trip to a sports store at some point to remedy that situation. I went back inside after that and decided to watch a movie with my sister, I said she could pick and she chose "the space between us" (I think that's what it's called? Something like that) which I hadn't heard of but was pretty cute, as per usual we only got like halfway through before my sister bailed because she apparently has a very short movie attention span (sigh). We'll finish it tomorrow. I stayed in the back on my laptop for a little bit before joining my dad and brothers in the den, where they were watching an episode of house of cards, which I haven't seen any of but of course recognized Kevin Spacey and Robin Wright from their appearances at the Tonys the other night. After that my brothers bailed, and my dad went to watch where he was up to in season 2 of Supergirl, episode 7. We're watching and they have the scene where Maggie is talking to Alex about still being friends after she initially turned Alex down, and I went to needle my dad about it like "oh aren't you just so mad to see them shoving their gay agenda down your throats???" (totally sarcastic obviously) which then led to a political debate which was endlessly frustrating, but it eventually gave way to a really good conversation about the future and such, and I told him about my decision not to stay in Chi post school and of course he was thrilled, though I made no promises that I'd be returning here the goal is still the job in NYC. I did happen to stumble upon another nonprofit law firm I'd be interested in working for today, except this one is based in California (not an improvement from Chicago). They focus on more than just foster care for broader youth issues including juvenile justice reform, which is definitely something I could get behind. But I really don't want to have to take the California bar exam (you probably don't know this, but it's by FAR the hardest of all the state bars, and the last passing rate was like 49% which is ridiculously low) or really be that far away from everyone when the goal was really to be closer. But I mean, we'll see. Of course my dad immediately starting making his pitch for all the things he has going on here that could draw me back, and I'll admit he did make a compelling case in several aspects. I said that if I did end up out in this general area of Long Island (in a temporary position at least, probably for the government in some capacity) I do not think it would be good for my mental health to move back into this house, which he seemed to understand but said you know we'll deal with that when we get there, so *shrug* I guess we'll see how that works. It's a lot more inconvenient to want such things when you're still asking your parents to finance it because you don't have any money since you're a full time student. But anyway. I also told him something I've been musing on lately, just because it seems like I've been seeing an influx of stories of abuse against children (which it's possible is entirely due to one or two Facebook groups I'm in, but still), especially child deaths, and it's made me want to work as a prosecutor for a crimes against children unit. It's hardly the first time I've considered the idea, I've always said that is the only way I would consider being a prosecutor. But it would be another option at least. But yeah, it was a really good convo and it reminded me why I do love my dad so much, even when his political views frustrate me to no end and I don't think I can ever forgive him for voting for Trump (sigh). But yeah, that's it and it's 5 am now so I REALLY need to get to bed. Goodnight my darlings. I hope you get more sleep than I do.

[niksong]

2016: A little older, not much wiser.

2009 | 2010 | 2011 | 2012 | 2013 | 2014 | 2015

-

Guys. I’m literally posting my 2016 reflection in November of 2017.

I’m posting what I have. Ignoring what I don’t remember.

It is what it is. This is my life.

-

2016.

What did you do in 2016 that you’d never done before? Digital Marketing. Performance Advertising. Saw Radiohead at Outside Lands (not necessarily by choice, and I still do not recognize a single song by them. #sorryJH But I did it.). Cambodia. Experienced Angkor Wat, one of the most incredible experiences in the world. Found - and got! - a dream apartment. Hang. Fucking. Over.

Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? To be quite honest with you - I cannot for the life of me remember if I made resolutions or not. 1) I’m not really a *resolution* kind of gal, 2) I can’t find documentation of it anywhere and if it’s not written down, it didn’t happen, 3) I have a pretty terrible memory. I blame it on alcohol most of the time, but I have a creeping feeling it may be more than that. Age, I see you. Looking forward to 2017, I wrote a little sumthin’ sumthin’ up. Here.

Did anyone close to you give birth? I believe the Song clan had a new baby boy join our ranks! S/o to Zayden, the 2nd(?) boy of our entire generation. Boys: 2, Girls: 1MM.

Did anyone close to you die? No. Thank you for this, 2016.

What countries did you visit? Korea! Cambodia! x x x

What would you like to have in 2017 that you lacked in 2016? Purpose. Fulfilling everyday choices. Focus on health.

What dates from 2016 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Summer 2016, Cambodia. Wine nights in Korea. A getaway trip down to Monterey Bay and the most incredible Hearst Castle. We chased and captured what we could of the sun, we held hands and assigned each other rooms at Hearst, we became obsessed with the varieties of jelly fish, and we forego-ed a nice meal to have our own personal (large) pizzas at Papa John’s. A perfect little trip.

What was your biggest achievement of the year? Successfully changing professions into something that continues to challenge me every single minute of the day. It drowns me sometimes, but I’m growing to be great at something, and I love it. Anything that gives me direction and purpose, is what I need in life.

What was your biggest failure?

Did you suffer illness or injury? Nothing major... But I think this is the appropriate time to talk about November 1, 2016, otherwise known as from this day forth: D-Day. Doomsday. The world brought unto me my first fucking hang over day. I SWEAR TO GOD THE NIGHT BEFORE STARTED - AND ENDED - LIKE ANY OTHER. It was Halloween. Yuri needed to fulfill her K-Pop cravings, so Chris & I, like the good friends we are, agreed to go with her. We donned our costumes - Chris a Snapchat (hoe) dog, Yuri a cat (was she a cat? I can’t even remember), and myself a Pumpkin (because I keep things sexy) - and headed to good ole’ Origin. We drank, we danced, we drank some more because there’s no way in hell I can be sober in a room of k-pop people, we ended up in front of Safeway begging the people cleaning up for some fried chicken, convinced JHart to get out of bed at 2:30 in the morning to come pick us up because drunk Nicolette likes JH better than any Uber driver in the world (sober Nicolette can be convinced otherwise), we got home, I drank water, took a B-12, I even washed my face, brushed my teeth, and changed, and that was it! .........Cue a few hours later. I wake up, head is pounding, I’m definitely drunk, and I realize... I’m nauseous. I’m hella nauseous and no amount of water is making that go away. I chug back a cup, try to go back to sleep, but the pounding... The goddamn pounding. I get out of bed about an hour later because I know *this is it* and go hug my best friend, mr. toilet. I end up throwing up all the water I drank an hour before, I’m nauseous, no longer drunk, head is still pounding, crawl to the couch, and tell myself, “Nicolette, if you watch The Good Wife, you won’t be sick anymore.” I tried. 1 episode, 2 saltines, 3 bites of a banana, lots and lots of telling JH I want to die and convincing myself that this is how the world will end, I end up back in bed, and fall asleep. CUE 30 MINUTES LATER! I WAKE UP! AND YO, I’M GOOD!!!!! According to JH, while this was my *First Hangover*, 1) if I was able to even watch TV through the pain, it wasn’t a *real hangover* and 2) it ended in roughly 2 hours, so wait for the *real thing*. I don’t know how you people do it. How can you drink knowing that this is what awaits in the morning. S/o (and shame) to all my friends who have hangovers every. single. time. you drink, but you let us convince you to come out anyway. Damn. SO DID I SUFFER AN ILLNESS? MAYBE NOT. BUT THIS WAS A GODDAMN INJURY, OK. INJURY TO THE SOUL. NOTHING IS THE SAME ANYMORE. I pace myself now.

What was the best thing you bought? Probably my 12mm lens and Sony a6000.

Whose behavior merited celebration? JH’s. I’ll never forget our big “fight”. We had argued the night before about something silly, and I came to work and joked about it in front of our colleagues. That’s my way of completely getting over something - being able to talk about it and joke about it (if I’m mad, I’m not talking to you. Call me Russia cause I’m Cold War over here.), but that really frustrated JH. He had told me a while before that he was uncomfortable with airing our laundry in front of work people, and if I was going to do it, to do it without him present. I obviously forgot. He was upset, and it was clear that it has upset him. I started bugging him about it as we were walking out of work - ‘why are you mad, tell me why you’re mad, what’s frustrating you, talk to me’ pretty much being incessant and the usual amount of annoying that I pour on him. He stopped me, told me why, and kept going. I then started profusely apologizing because I actually had remembered he asked me not to do that and I really didn’t want him to be angry about this. You see, I had gotten out of a relationship a few years ago where every little thing pissed my partner off and in retrospect, I spent a good year or so simply apologizing out of frustration. It’s a bad habit I picked up, and I was afraid that JH would be upset with me. We got into the car. In the middle of my painful apologies, he suddenly stops me and says “I’m not mad.” Me, unable to comprehend this idea: What? JH: I’m not mad at you, it’s okay, stop apologizing. Me: What do you mean you’re not mad? How do you get unmad so quickly? JH: I sat here, thought about it, and decided it wasn’t worth being mad about. It’s not that big of a deal, and I don’t like being upset with you. You see. This is what being in a healthy relationship is about. It’s about not sweating the small things, being open about what bothers you, having a conversation about it, and forgiveness. I really respected him then. And that’s why I continue to respect him now, more than ever.

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Donald Trump. 47% of Americans. Anyone who chooses to support him for whatever the reason is - his “policy”, business plans,  whatever it is - it is not okay with me because what you are doing is putting your privilege, your ability to only think money, in front of other peoples’ liberties and basic human rights. That will never be okay with me.

Where did most of your money go? Plane tickets. I can’t remember why or what I did in 2016, but I vividly remember spending a lot of money on plane tickets to visit one place or another. Vegas being one of them. Or 5 of them. I can’t remember how many trips I made last year. #noregrets. (the ticket part, not so much the vegas part).

What did you get really, really, really excited about? NEW JOB. CAMBODIA. 언니 & 오빠들 IN KOREA. PATTY’S WEDDING - THE FIRST OF US HIGH SCHOOL KIDS. APPLE WATCH.

What song will always remind you of 2016?

Compared to this time last year, are you: 

Happier or Sadder? Happier? Less stressed. I was very stressed about where I wanted my career to go this time last year.

Thinner or Fatter? Thinner. Surprising, huh? I’m proud of this, so I will say the last time I checked, I was 12 pounds lighter than earlier this year. I am afraid to check now, because I might only be 6 pounds, but hell. That’s still something.

Richer or Poorer? Richer. In terms of numbers, but I feel poorer. I really need to stop buying clothes.

What do you wish you’d done more of? Longer vacation in Korea.

What do you wish you’d done less of?

How did you spend Christmas? 2016? Easy. Waking up early in the morning, running to my parents room, rolling around on the couch for a few minutes until we decide we cannot go another minute without hot chocolate. Race downstairs, wait for the hot chocolate to be made by the best daddy in the world, get excited about all the gifts I successfully brought from SF. Have my sister emcee the gift giveaway portion, rip open gifts, laugh at gifts, gasp at gifts... Speaking of gifts... We had something - or should I say someone - join the Song festivities this year... JH! And while I should say that the Song’s did quite a successful job at gift giving, JH outdid himself. Planned out some of my parent’s favorite gifts of all time and got me... An Apple Watch! A pink one. Okay, “rose gold”, but don’t play, it’s hella pink.

Did you fall in love in 2016? Yes. With Hippatato. It’s a long story, but I’m also still in love with a human too, so 2016 was looking up.

How many hook ups? If we’re talking rando’s, then 0.

What was your favorite TV program?

Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

What was the best book you read? The Name of the Wind - Patrick Rothfuss. Courtesy of my book angel, JH.

What was your greatest musical discovery? Without a doubt I want to say James Bay, but I have a sinking feeling that he was the man of my 2015.

What did you want and get? An Apple Watch. A brand new job opportunity.

What did you want and not get?

What was your favorite film of this year?

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 26; had to share my birthday with my freaking s/o. HAHAHA. He was turning the big 3-0 so I decided to forego my bday this year (how amazing am I) and plan him a surprise birthday party. SF beer garden, close friends, drunk escape room, the good stuff. Yafs & Yrroh also took us out to Cockscomb for the most amazing steak as well. As we get older, our friend groups get smaller... But man, do they get more fulfilling. <3

What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2016?

What kept you sane?

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Who did you miss?

Who was the best new person you met? [Did you meet any new friends this year? I’m sure I did, but to be completely honest, I had a very different approach to this year. I realized somewhere midway that as we get older, we learn how to prioritize more and more. Friends are a great example to this. As social as any butterfly can be, with the very limited amount of time I now have in my life, I decided that I didn’t want too spend that time constantly trying to impress people and have everyone in the world like me. I just can’t do it, and I just don’t care. But that doesn’t mean I don’t care about my friends - just the opposite, actually. I decided that this year, I would focus on the friendships that truly mattered to me and to 100% invest in those relationships.]

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2016. Learning to love and be loved by and with an adult.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

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"THE THREE" OF 2016:

Leaving PR.

Heroes of the Storm.

First hangover.