#i get woozy if i stand up too fast my heart races while i'm standing and i get winded walking across the house

[ourceliumnetwork]

*flops on the ground sadly*

i just... i'm already struggling with the fact that i am disabled and it keeps trying to take shit from me now that i'm in a mental place to actually enjoy the nice things. i already feel like shit gets taken out from under me all the time anyway (thanks Traumatic Upbringing) and i don't need it to actually be true again. i'm pretty sure if I have to face the option of actually losing various pleasures in life i will be referred to on the news by a pseudonym. or at minimum cry a lot.

I've just learned chocolate doesn't sting other people in their mouths like a mild acid. the amount of sting chocolate is supposed to give you is zero. i just. i can't do activities, i can't have certain foods, i probably oughtn't have certain other foods but i'm gonna because if you take chocolate away from me i will be SO SAD. you'll have to watch me CRY. just SO MUCH. and i'm being ridiculous about the chocolate because i have to be because if i think about any of the further implications of my life being snatched out away from me I will not recover.

like not only did i not live up to the potential future everyone in my life said i would have as a child, but also i squandered it and then i my disabilities said i wasn't allowed to ignore them anymore and now i can't do anything even though i'm here still and i want to! i want to go and do things and enjoy life adn i FUCKING CAN'T BECAUSE MY BODY WON'T LET ME and it's

it's just a lot. it's a lot and it's always been a lot and i've always struggled with this and it's not new i just have words for it and it... i'll be okay when the pain passes but every time i just fear this will be the time that this is the amount of pain i'll be in forever and i just... i'm just so fucking tired.

and my shoulder hurts.

[serenityseventeen]

Seventeen Vocal Unit: how their first kiss with their s/o will be like (Scenario/Imagine)

Woozi:

You went into Woozi's studio after your ears were blessed by a beautiful, muffled song. When you opened the door, the song was more clear and you smiled.

Jihoon looked over his shoulder.

"Woahhh, sounds good!!" You said, taking the seat by Woozi. "And this is just the demo?"

Jihoon looked away from your eyes, which made you smile.

"Why? Is it a love song?" You reached over to the mouse and clicked play.

"Well, I guess you could say it is a love song.." Woozi covered his face with his black cap. Was he embarrassed by his song? He's usually never embarrassed about his songs, is it because it's a love song?

The song played and the delicate words that he sang we're about a man who is in love with a girl who is beautiful and outgoing. The man expresses his emotions and how he doesn't know her feelings.

"Is this a sad song?" You asked after it was over.

"No, not technically.. it's just about a man who wants to know about... a girl." Jihoon replied, briefly looking at you.

"Ohhh? Whyyy?? Someone you like?" You teased, trying to hide your true feelings toward him. You two wouldn't have a chance and you thought that he just thought of you like a friend. "Is she pretty?"

He didn't reply, probably shy that you were asking such a question. Maybe you two weren't close enough for him to tell you that.

"Well, if you made a song-"

Jihoon swiftly turned to you, placing a peck on your lips. You froze and Jihoon turned back to his computer.

"It's about you so just shut up." He said.

You let out a shy smile and giggled. In the corner of your eye, Jihoon was also smiling.

Jeonghan:

"I guess I'll go now.." Jeonghan said after he walked you to your house.

"Okay, get back to the dorm safely." You replied. Jeonghan and you just finished your third date but it still wasn't official. You knew for sure that you liked Jeonghan.

He gave you a sweet smile, taking steps backwards slowly. "Okay, I'm going now.. you should go in your house."

"I'll see you off first." You said, giving him a smile and moving your hair back. You wanted to spend more time with him but you knew that he had a lot of work and he shouldn't stay out for too long.

"No, you should go inside. I'll be going!" He shouted, further away from you.

"Okay! Make sure you get some rest!" You shouted back, waving.

You could see him smile before he turned and started walking forward. Letting out a sigh, you turn back to your own house door and walk toward it, fumbling in your purse for your keys.

Suddenly, you heard footsteps from behind you and you quickly turned around, hoping to see Jeonghan.

Jeonghan had ran toward you and he stopped on your front porch.

"Why are you back? I thought-"

"I forgot something." Jeonghan said with a smile while panting a little.

"What did you forget?" You asked, a bit flustered.

He took two steps toward you and cupped your face, planting a nice and warm kiss on your lips. Your heart raced.

After the kiss he took a few steps back. "I'll see you on our next date."

He waved goodbye and for real, he walked back. You couldn't stop thinking about him.

Joshua:

Joshua and you have been in a relationship for almost a year. You had invited him over to help you organize as a little date and you both come across some of your baby pictures.

"Woah, you look so cute in this one. Look at your little chubby hands!" He held out the picture to you.

"Oh my god! What was I doing???" The picture was of you in a playground, a bit messy.

Joshua laughed and looked through the next batch of photos in the box.

"Who's that?" He asked, holding up a picture of you and your cousin.

"That's my cousin, he's a doctor now I think."

He let out a "ohhhhh" as if he meant to say "I didn't need to know that".

Joshua giggled at some of the photos and then he would say "awww" to some.

"I'll get more pictures if you like, I'm pretty sure their on top of the wardrobe." You stand up from the living room, where it was a mess with all your old photos.

You walk over to your bedroom wardrobe and see a cardboard box sitting at the top.

You quickly walked over and attempted to get it but you were a little too short. By tip toeing you were able to pull the box a little. You just did your best to try and take it off the wardrobe.

All of a sudden, your hand slipped and the box fell off the edge of the wardrobe. Instinctively, your cover your head in defense but the box never hit.

Slowly, you opened your eyes and saw Joshua's arm, that was muscular.

"If it was too high, you should've asked me." He said from behind you.

You turn around to face him. "It was fine, not a big deal."

He smirked a little and then replied, "Weren't you covering your head in fear just now?"

"It was just instinct!" You replied, but your mind suddenly got flushed when your eyes saw how close Joshua's face was in front of yours.

His arm slowly went down, the box giving a clank as it hit the floor.

His eyes stared down at your lips and you couldn't help but stare at his. Joshua wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you into a passionate yet gentle kiss. It was the first time he was kissing you and you were a bit nervous but it seemed like a moment you were waiting for.

You placed your hand on his arm, one on his chest, returning his beautiful, long awaited kiss.

DK:

After finishing dinner at your house, Seokmin kept insisting on doing the dishes but of course, you didn't want that.

So you both ended up doing the dishes together.

There was a silence between the two of you. You both had been in a relationship for almost a month but small things still made you shy.

Talking about shy, your hand was bumping into his while both of you washed the dishes. Your face flushed with red because even the simplest gestures made you feel shy.

Your heart was beating too fast so you tried to avoid his touch.

Dokyeom smiled, which gave you butterflies.

Finally, Dokyeom stopped scrubbing the dishes and turned to look at you.

Nervously, you turned to face him too. The eye contact you two shared gave off a romantic atmosphere.

"What is it?" You asked, shutting off the water. Seokmin took off his gloves and pulled you closer to him, his hand on your wrist.

He leaned in slowly and locked his lips with yours for a few seconds before pulling back.

"I'll.. I'll go play with your (preferred pet).." DK said, going over to your (preferred pet).

The kiss was simple but it made your cheeks flush and your heart race. You couldn't stop smiling.

It was your first kiss as a couple and you couldn't get over it.

Seungkwan:

Laying down on the couch, both of you watched a romantic-drama-school korean drama at your house for a first date.

"Daebak." Both of you said at the same time when the main character found out that their boyfriend was cheating on them with their sister.

"Want some snacks?" You asked, sitting up.

"What kind of snacks?" He didn't take his eyes off the TV.

"I'll just bring the whole thing." You replied jokingly, going over to your kitchen and grabbing some unhealthy chips and stuff.

When you return, the drama is even more intense, it turned out the main character's mother was actually the daughter of her biological dad and her real parents were her ex boyfriends' parents.

"Gosh, this drama is too damn confusing! How do they expect us to understand when they just start spitting all sorts of twists??" Seungkwan said. "Can you give me one?"

You sat down on the couch beside him, the snacks in your hand. "Okay, open up!" You hold out the snack and almost give it to him but instead, bring it back your own mouth.

"What? You won't feed me? Fine, I'll get my own-" when he reached out for the chip bag, you pull away jokingly, a chip in your hand.

"Are you perhaps- HUHHH are you being greedy right now??? Why? You want all these yummy snacks to yourself!??? I bought these snacks for us to eat!! You don't want to continue watching??? Are you-"

Quickly, you peck his lips to make him shut up.

"HEY! IM TALKING SERIOUSLY ABOUT THESE SNACKS AND YOU- YOU JUST-"

"why why what's wrong?" You teased, placing a snack on your mouth.

Seungkwan surprisingly put his arm around your neck and pressed his lips on yours, eating the snack off your mouth.

"mmmm... No wonder, these taste great."