#i gave her pimples cause i love imperfections

[peachymune]

Computer, play Chappell Roan

[thirteenthspirit]

I would, my friend, Fernando (Part I)

Where to start… You know how they say you instantly know it when you meet ‘the one’ – you know, that person you think you’re meant to spend the rest of your days with, grow old together, the whole shebang. Well, I think it happened to me. Emphasis on the ‘think’ bit.

I met him as a random grindr hookup – sure, not the prettiest beginning to a story, but I’m sure I’ll weave a prettier lie at our wedding. It was nice and all, but we barely bothered to learn each other’s names.

A few months later, I was about to do a Raid in Pokémon GO with the usual team when he showed up, joining the party. I didn’t instantly recognize him, but as we kept raiding the following days and he kept appearing, I realized it was him. The random hipster hookup from a couple of months ago.

When I say hipster, what I really mean is… I have no idea. Somewhere between fashionable and trashy, cool and geeky, ‘lumberjack chic’ – but, as he himself would put it, sometime later, “skinny legend fashion icon”. Just rolls off the tongue, am I right. So you have a clearer picture, he is very tall, appears to be in his early 30s and is overtly fond of beanies and skinny jeans – oh, and of course, the moustache. Not the gross overgrown kind nor the plain ‘single line’ one, but a perfect blend of both, just looks good and different on him. The kind of person that draws everyone’s gaze in, when they enter the room.

He eventually joined our local whatsapp group for Pokémon GO raids and we began to see each other more often. It was a fun game of “we have met before but we don’t really acknowledge it”, between me and him. He sent me a friend request on Instagram, and we began to chat one-on-one from there.

The conversation began developing after I learned that he needed a Spinda, of which I had 2, so I offered him one. He lived literally across the street from me, so we could trade from our respective couches. I think that same day, since we lived so close together, we arranged to go for a walk after dinner, to catch Pokémon. The never-ending “shiny hunt”.

And again the following day.

And the next. And the next one after that too.

The conversation deepened. Since we met in that fashion, there were no boundaries regarding our hookups and sexuality. It didn’t take long for us to become very good friends and talk on a constant basis. Plus we had a lot of interests in common – we were both somewhat emotionally-distant people and with a peculiar sense of humor.

For us to connect so easily, it was definitely a weird thing - my area of expertise is Finance (I currently work at a bank) and my professional experience has always been at several desk jobs. Some better, some worse, but ‘inconsistently consistent’ (the reverse of Grace Helbig). A corporate man, I guess, leaning more towards the realistic side of life, rather than pandering to the dreamer and ambitious one. He is on the opposite end of the spectrum. He is an elementary school teacher and an editor for a magazine and has even written (and successfully published) his own book. A writer in every sense of the word.

Personality-wise, I am what you would call an introvert by nature – not exactly shy, but definitely the proud owner of a handful of unresolved childhood issues caused by enthusiastic bullies and shame. I wear glasses, which help in conveying the whole ‘geek’ category and am of an average build and somewhat tall. I’ve still got my share of face imperfections and pimples at the age of 25 and look younger than my actual age – something we both have in common. Our personalities just clicked though, his extremely offensive sense of humor contrasts well to my fake well-behaved and nice demeanor and we’ve bot got similar personal values and empathy when dealing with others. A couple of nice chaps, is what the ordinary passerby would think.

We became best friends. He confided in me about his past relationships, the good the bad and the (very) ugly and I vented to him about my insecurities and depressive thoughts. We saw each other roughly every day, during our usual “old ladies” walk through a nearby park, always worshipping that battery-draining app. On the weekends, we unknowingly formed the habit of getting breakfast together and basking in the sun for a bit. I was going through a tough time at the time, what with my mother not being in her best shape or form, mentally speaking, leading me to come out to my parents amidst an argument (NOT the best way to do it) – this situation worsened after we had a little house-fire scare. So his presence really helped and comforted me.

Time passed. Mall trips, community days, ex raids, regular dinners and breakfasts and breakfast-lunches. He was pretty much the person I saw the most. And quickly became my favorite.

I was always keenly aware of how close we were getting, and how it might be affecting me and my ability to connect with other friends, but I never gave much thought to the situation escalating. He was 38 years old, and I was 25. The thought alone made me never overthink the relationship.

Until I did. Until the “what if” statement popped into my mind. And the age gap just… lost its entire relevance. I tried to push the feelings down, but as all feelings do, it just made them get bigger and more intense. You see, my past relationships have been failed ones, because I wasn’t emotionally involved in them – I was like meh. So I didn’t really know what it was like to actually like someone. But I was smart enough to recognize it – this was probably my first real interaction with “infatuation” and dare I say it, love.

Here’s the part of the story where the sky is bright and the road ahead is hopeful and sunny.

Spoilers: It’s not.

Why not? Well. Because it’s completely one-sided. Unrequited love. Nothing less, nothing more, the usual boring sappy story of friend in love with his best-friend but unable to do anything about it.

“Well, why not do anything about it? Tell him!” The Jiminy Cricket in my head says.

I definitely let him know, I drop hints here and there, statements like “we’ll be together in 20 years” and getting notably jealous when he’s texting or telling me about his sexy-time and dates with other men (this part hurts particularly). So he knows. If he’s choosing not to see it, I know he has good reasons for it and I am good enough a friend to know not to act on it. It’s cruel on my part to try and force something that shouldn’t happen.

And why should it happen? I don’t really have much to offer him. I’m not his type, I still live with my parents (which I attribute to the ridiculously high rents here in Lisbon) and am overall kind of an emotional mess. Tbh, I wouldn’t pick myself either. But that’s an issue for another day, it’ll get resolved eventually. By myself, not by piling it onto somebody or using a relationship to distract from it.

Also he met ‘the one’ already. Or what he says he’s afraid might have been the one. His last boyfriend, who we name ‘psychopath’, definitely earned his nickname. Physically and emotionally abusive, he left a scar. And Fer is smart enough not to get into a relationship this soon after said breakup, as there is still too much fresh baggage, ready to be thrown at the next man in.

And there are (many) candidates for the ‘next man’ position. He’s a fascinating man and they are immediately enthralled by him (here’s the pot calling the kettle black), so he does leave a string of broken hearts behind him.

I don’t like hearing him talk about this. I can see there is a hint of pain in his eyes when he jokingly says he’ll never find anyone and is fated to remain single his entire life, to which I jokingly retort he’ll never be alone, as he’ll have me. And this is the part that really hurts me – I am content. I am content with being the best friend and I’ll eventually have to deal with him finding someone else, and watching him be happy in a (hopefully) long-lasting relationship. And I’ll be there. The pathetic best friend story from the B-list storyline of Hermione and Ron from Harry Potter. I’d rather have an Elio and Oliver thing, as fleeting as it might be, over a lifetime of longing for something that will never be. I want nothing but the best for him, he deserves it. But… we could be happy together. We could have a life. And that realization kills me.

Then again, years haven’t passed. Time does cure all wounds. Maybe time will heal these feelings, some days they are stronger, somedays they are weaker. Some days I am sure I can call them love, others it’s something darker.

I have realized something, though – I should let myself feel them. It’s ok not to act on them, if I think that’s the best course of action. But I should not repress them. I do love him (how could I not?) and that’s okay. I felt pathetic for feeling them, at first. Especially the jealousy bit I always judged my friends for, that one is a particularly nasty feeling.

But hey, for someone who thought himself to be emotionally shipwrecked, the ship floats! I think that should be my takeaway from this. That’s a positive outlook, right?

And more than anything, I should be grateful to my best friend for showing me something new I wouldn’t have known otherwise.

So if you ever end up reading this, Fer, know that it’s true. Also sorry it’s in English! And sorry if it’s all too much. But I do love you, and will always be a part of your life, in whatever role you deem fit. Now I’ll close this, as it’s time to go on our daily Pokémon run.                                                                                                                                                                                               -João A. (Xanuda)

Link to Part 2 “I Wish I Hadn’t”: http://thirteenthspirit.tumblr.com/post/183770872439/i-wish-i-hadnt-part-ii

[peter-parker-imagines]

Rescue Me, Kiss Me

Requested by: @lookclosernow

Request: “Upside down kiss! I just need smb to write it already. Like Peter and MJ had. Peter kisses his crush after saving her. Please ❤️❤️”

Word count: 2.1K

Warnings: Mild swearing, knife, light mugging implied

A/N: This is my first x reader on this account!! I hope I did okay! Also I am so sorry there wasn’t much interaction between Peter and the reader! I’m thinking on making a part 2 if anyone is interested!

Update: Part 2 is out now!

“Earth to Peter, are you still alive?” Ned was growing more concern for his best friend, as he waved a hand in front of his face. Peter was constantly zoning out lately, and the cause was fairly obvious.

“Oh! Uh… yeah, I’m pretty sure I’m still alive. Am I?” Peter seemed like he had just been awoken from a deep sleep, which wouldn’t really surprise some.

Peter had noticed that he had begun drifting off every time he had looked at a certain girl… This girl was someone that he had considered a close friend, but someone that he wouldn’t tell about his deepest secret. And her name was [Y/N] [L/N]. She was everything to him. Not that he would ever admit it out loud, since there was absolutely no way that she would even look at him in the way he looks at her. She was perfect to him, even if she had her flaws. Even with pimples that show up, small little imperfections of her body, even when her lips were chapped from the cold, he still thought she was the most beautiful girl in the world. He could only wish that she would look at him the way he wanted.

“You’re starring again, you know one day she is going to catch you and then call you a creep! Just go and talk to her, honestly what’s the worst that could happen?” Peter felt a soft nudge on his arm from Ned, one of two people that knew just how much he liked [Y/N].

“Yeah Peter, just go talk to her. You’re an idiot if you don’t, missing out on a great girl.” To be fair, both Ned and Peter had been startled by MJ’s sudden appearance. Although, it wasn’t actually a sudden appearance, MJ was just relatively quiet at lunch, and just in general.

“You both know that it isn’t that easy, she isn’t a girl that would be interested in a guy like me, I’m boring Peter Parker, I’m interested in geeky stuff.” Peter sighed, getting up from his seat while grabbing his bag. He knew that the siren was about to go to signal the beginning of his next class.

“I will see you guys later, I’ve gotta go and psych myself up for my Algebra test.” And with that, Peter had left his two friends together. Ned and MJ just looked at each other, both getting close to their wits end about the whole situation.

“What a loser.” MJ laughed and continued to read her book, which she showed more interest in than anything else.

“Yeah… agreed.”

“You have got to be kidding me! Are we seriously out of milk!?” Of course, the one time that [Y/N] wanted to make a batch of homemade Mac and Cheese, and there was no milk in the house, at all.

[Y/N]’s mother was visiting her grandmother in Brooklyn for a few days, leaving [Y/N] to care for the house and make sure everything was stocked up. She had gone to the store the other day to pick up a few things, however the one thing the she forgot to get was milk. Out of everything to forget, she forgot milk.

It was around 8pm, meaning that most stores were closed. However there was a very small, family run general store that was open until late. It was only a few blocks away, [Y/N] would be able to quickly duck out and grab some milk. She really wanted that Mac and Cheese. She had been hearing about random cases of muggings and assault, but reassured herself that nothing would come of it. Nothing could happen to her, right?

Grabbing her [F/C] coat and her purse, [Y/N] set out to the general store. It was a cold night, but cold nights were something that she had come accustomed to. A thought that she had was to call someone to come along with her, just so that she would feel a little bit more safe. Although, she thought it to be silly, she didn’t want to randomly call up Ned, or MJ. Or even… Peter. This girl could only wish she could work up the courage to ask Peter to do something with her, alone. Whenever she asks to hang out, [Y/N] is always sure to have Ned with them, otherwise she worries that things would get too quiet, or awkward. [Y/N] has a crush on Peter, it’s been that way since the two of them started texting each other every so often. No matter what he says, she always gets butterflies. He could talk about what he had for dinner the night before, and her heart would flutter.

[Y/N] arrived at the small store, walking in to be greeted by an elderly lady at the cash register. Not wanting to stay for too long, [Y/N] quickly made her way over to the dairy section. There was a wide selection of milk, so she grabbed the one that was the cheapest. Making her way to the register, [Y/N] began counting out her coins to make sure that she had enough money to pay for the milk. She did have enough, but she just wanted to make sure for a second time. The lady at the register quickly scanned the milk, taking the money, and bidding the [E/C] eyed girl a good night.

The only thought that had been running through [Y/N]’s mind was how excited she was for her homemade Mac and Cheese. She had all of her ingredients waiting for her at home, now that she has the milk. She had zoned out for a few minutes, just at the thought of the food she was going to prepare. What had broken her out of her daydreaming, was the last thing that she had expected.

“Give me your purse.” A deep, rough voice echoed from in front of the girl. She looked at the man in shock, not knowing how to react. Her body was completely frozen from fear, her mind began to scatter and blur. The man was a good seven inches taller than her, his arms were large and filled with tattoos. Sadly, he was wearing a mask, meaning that there was no way to tell what his eyes were showing.

“I said, give me your goddamn fucking purse!” The man then took a step towards [Y/N], causing the girl to react in a way that she could only do when pumped full of adrenalin. She used the milk carton, and hit the thug directly in the face. It may not have been hard enough to knock the guy out, it was powerful enough to get the guy to lose sight for a moment. Using this to her advantage, [Y/N] began to run as fast and as far as she could.

Peter had been patrolling the general area to make sure that nothing was going on. As much as he needed something to happen so he could report it back to Happy, he didn’t want to see anyone in danger tonight. Maybe just a small bank robbery, or something that didn’t involve anyone getting physically hurt. But it had been a pretty quiet and cold night, at least his suit was able to keep him warm. He was wondering what [Y/N] was doing at this time of night. Maybe she was curled up with a book, maybe she was watching another random series on Netflix. With each imagination he had, he could only think of how much he would love to do those things with her. He would hold her close to his body, keeping her warm and making sure she was safe.

While walking along the rooftop of a small general store, Peter heard the crash of something metal. Maybe a trash can? It could have just been a cat or a racoon, but something inside of Peter told him to go and check out what had caused the disturbance. He saw a figure in a [F/C] jacket running into an alleyway, which seemed a little bit odd to be doing at a late hour of the night. The jacket did look kind of familiar to him, but he wasn’t too sure as to why. Trailing not too far behind the jacket wearing girl was a tall, large man. This was a fairly obvious warning sign, after hearing the girl crash into a trash can, and run into an alleyway. He shot a web over to the closest building to where the altercation was heading. Peter managed to get close to where the girl had gotten to, deciding to head down the closest fire escape.

“S-stay away from me! I really don’t have anything to offer you!” The voice sounded very familiar to Peter, a little bit too familiar. It couldn’t be [Y/N], could it? He was finally able to get a better look at who he was about to save, and sure enough it was his beloved [Y/N]. This had suddenly turned personal, he was not about to let any harm come her way. Not her. Never her. He got his webs ready for if the perpetrator took another step closer.

“Listen, doll face. I wouldn’t be forced to take such drastic action if you had just handed over what you had,” As he spoke, he took out a perfectly clean kitchen knife from his belt, “but now I really have no other choice but to take it. And maybe leave a little warning for the next time you decide to act brave.”Peter could see the fear that appeared in the eyes of [Y/N], and it threw him off into the deep end.

“Don’t you have something better to do with your time than harassing random women on the street? Your life must be pretty damn boring for this!” Peter almost shouted with too much confidence, but with enough to shock the man to drop his knife. Peter must of scared him pretty good, as he ran off without saying a single word.

[Y/N] was left very confused, it was far too dark for her to see where the voice was coming from. She turned to behind her, only to be greeted with a dull brick wall. When she turned back around, she came face-to-face with the masked avenger himself, Spider-Man, hanging upside-down from a fire escape. The poor girl nearly threw her milk carton at his face, but luckily she came to her senses fairly quickly.

“You just gave made my heart stopped! Please never sneak up on me like that again!” There was a hint of anger in the girls voice, but she couldn’t be mad at him for too long, he did save her from being mugged after all.

“Sorry about that, but I just wanted to make double sure that you’re safe. After all, I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if a pretty lady like you were to get hurt.” It had been sometime since Peter was able to get so close to [Y/N] without stuttering like a nervous wreck. Wearing the Spider-Man mask always gave him so much more confidence.

“Would you mind if this ‘pretty lady’ gave you a thank you gift for saving me?” [Y/N] still had quite a bit of adrenalin running through her veins, which made her feel like she was ready to take risks that she would never normally do.

Placing the milk carton gently down on the ground, [Y/N] cautiously placed her hands against Peter’s face, causing Peter to recoil a little. He wasn’t sure what she was going to do, causing his nerves to fill up. Her hands gently slipped themselves under his mask, peeling it down ever so carefully. There was never any intent to discover who the masked superhero was, that was never anything [Y/N] wanted to discover. Instead, she just wanted to reward her hero. The mask was peeled just below his nostrils, just enough to reveal his soft smile.

[Y/N] leant forward, connecting her lips gently to her hero’s. Peter’s heart felt like it was going to give at any millisecond. Never in his wildest dreams did he think that the girl of his dreams would be kissing him, ever. He wasn’t sure how to react to the kiss, it had given him mixed feelings. He knew it was meant for Spider-Man, but he couldn’t help but feel it was truly meant for him, as Peter Parker. The kiss didn’t last for very long, much to Peter’s sadness. Although there was a bit of chemistry felt between the two. [Y/N] smiled the widest Peter had seen in some time, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek and picking up her milk from the ground.

“Thank you for saving my life, I hope that the next time we meet, it will be under better circumstances.” And with that, she was gone into the night.

[strengthpushingthrough]

The fundamentals of my being

Most days my brain feels like a labyrinth of endless thoughts swirling around and for most of my life it has felt that way. I am a thinker, I think all day every day and even in my sleep. I have lived with Anxiety and Bouts of Depression since I can remember and ill live with it until i die. That being said I have let it control every emotion and outcome of every situation, confrontation and even just simple conversations. Until now.

I think it always starts at the beginning i mean thats what a beginning is for right? what i mean is i think the way we think, feel, communicate, love and express ourselves and our personality and temperament are all decided before we even leave the womb and from there its dependant on our environment and  parents providing a nurturing and stable upbringing in order for us to develop in a way that is healthy. I alike many others was not given that and as much as i enjoyed my childhood breaking it down little by little i can see exactly where things when wrong and why i keep running into the walls i the built against this world. Its time to tear them down and dissect myself piece by piece.

Perfection and what it means to me

I have always been kind of a loner and have always found myself searching for that person thats going to stay. I think Perfection has been built up as this thing that will provide happiness for me sort of like a life goal. “If I'm not perfect people are always going to leave or i wasn't good enough, i wasn't perfect.” instead of having a healthy goal and striving for it i developed my own self destruction. I think it started out as “If someone didn't want to be friends with me” i wouldn't think well maybe theres something wrong with them or thats their issue. i developed the habit of blaming myself of looking inwards and looking for the imperfections that caused that person to not like me. I developed a little voice telling me i was the reason, that came from the constant bullying about my appearance of looking like a “boy” dressing in what i was comfortable with rather than what little girls were supposed to look like and it wasn't easy. I developed this from the comments from the kids at school and it seemed everywhere else too. At home it was “put something nice on and look like a girl for a change” like being comfortable in my own skin wasn't the most important thing, it was “ if you don't want to be teased dress like a girl” so i did i conformed and i learnt to be what society wanted me to be so i would be liked. but even that had its limits, that only gets you so far. it also destroys your self worth and tells you that people don't want the real you. I learnt to strive for perfection because to me if i could be perfect people would like me and i would find the person that would stay. growing up with this mindset saw me develop unhealthy attachments to clothes, shoes and material things because in school all the cool kids had all the cool stuff so surely thats what made them cool. Perfect skin is another one of these things, its like where taught from a young ago from the magazines and tv shows and movies that we must strive for that perfect skin and hairless body that anything else is disgusting. High school made me feel like my life was a joke. I had braces and pimples and i was not one of those tall girls with boys falling all over them and I'm ashamed of the way i talked to myself day in day out. I would get asked out by boys only to be dumped a minute later because who would want to go out with me. People didnt care about me I was someone to be laughed at. I was a joke. by now i had developed a sense that i was only beautiful if a boy said so and even then he could change his mind. I had a sense that i had to find validation from others, that i was more or less obsessed with trying to be perfect. How could anybody love me if i was broken, i got to the end of that with they won't and i lost interest in everything i became depressed, i wanted to die, i just wanted this pain to end. I would self destruct so much nobody even needed to say anything horrible to me i was saying it to myself from the moment i woke up and i didnt sleep i just thought about ways to end it over and over, i struggled to get out of bed in the morning so much so i wouldn't have time to do anything but get dressed and brush my teeth and be out the door. Weekends became endless days of sleeping to escape my mind and the vicious circle kept on loop. Leaving school and getting a job made this a lot better although and people weren't as horrible as they were in school and i learnt to find happiness in small things, but my strive for perfection was still there and was until about a week ago until i realised i was only enabling my self destructive side by doing that and things have changed. I feel like i opened the flood gates to the good in life. Perfection has been a rope around my neck for years and it is nothing but the most destructive word in the world. Today I am Learning to accept my imperfections because they are what make me fundamentally unique they are apart of me and i am taking control of my rebuild. I am Enough, i am more than enough for me.

My Fears

My Biggest fears are Rejection and Failure.

Rejection for me this is simply a crippling fear, it keeps my words hidden. I have in some ways found that i can put myself in positions where i could be rejected and faced this many times, because for me the risk of not living and experiencing is far worse than being rejected. So i will make the first move, i will  initiate intimate situations, i will say hello first i try to push past this fear so much but it still holds me back in so many areas.. its linked to not being good enough and perfection because if i do get rejected i will look inwards and i will self destruct. Failure is a similar fear and i think its all linked back to those feelings of hurt kept the deepest.

What I’m learning

For me i am learning that the only way to get out of my depressed mindset is to figure out what the deepest issue is thats causing it. Writing is helping so much and its a release I've never had before i feel like i am empty when I'm done and my brain can finally relax the anxious buzzing goes away and i can breathe again. I read a book Called The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown a couple weeks ago and this one tip she gave me has changed my life. she talks about how she gets anxious and how to only way to stop the horrible crippling control of anxiety for her was to bring light to the Gremlins. ‘Side note here The movie the Gremlins who would come out in the darkness and could only be destroyed by the light’ its the same concept when you have the anxious feelings taking over your body step back and say okay right now right in this moment whats the issue  this is bringing light to the darkness controlling you. Usually its something small and easily fixable when you take away everything but the current moment and it really made me think.

Anxiety- This is the fear and worry about the future.

Depression- This is the inability to let go of the anger and guilt associated with the past.

For me Depression is very much the Anger and Guilt of the past, Its also environmental.

Bryan he was a source of depression for me but it was actually the feelings that were associated with it and once i was able to bring light to what was making me feel it, it went away. I have been very angry at him for a very long time and working towards forgiveness has helped manage it.

I know when I'm depressed and i now know how to manage it. it may never go away but knowing how to keep it from controlling me makes a world of difference. its the same with my anxiety.

I have also learnt to Meditate i have a mantra in which i say over and over in my head every morning for 20 mins and before bed for 20 mins this really has helped me to relax and gain control over my thoughts. sometimes my mind wanders throughout the meditation and as it does i bring my attention back to this mantra, it has helped me in situations where i feel those anxious and depressed feelings taking over and without thinking about it i stop and bring myself back to the current moment and i am able to figure out what really is bothering me.

This is my mantra

I am my skin in which i fit

I am this seat in which i sit

I am the sun warm on my face

I am the stones that pave this place

I am all trees that gives me shade

I am all grasses each single blade

I am the fresh milk in my glass

I am the cloud that make to pass

i am fur, feather, nail, beak and claw

i am heart and soul and so much more

I am earth, air, water, wind and fire

I am the sum of sexual desire

I am the eternal galactic tune

i am the planets , stars and moon

I am everything, yet nothing at all

i am a dancer at the universal ball

i am here, gone, yet here again

I am wild and free, all-knowing and tame

I am at peace in a state of elation

I am at one with the act of creation

I also have list of Affirmations on my mirror and i read them aloud to myself in the mirror before i leave for the day. Reality for me is that i am in control of my life, love and the pain i suffer. I choose to see the good and life is what i make it.

I believe in how powerful our minds are and if i can make myself feel the horrible pain because of habit and words then it is proven i can rewire my brain to find the positive as habit. This is a long journey we call life and i believe in the power of myself. if you think about it i think we all give the power of validation to others and when someone says something it can either make us feel good or bad and that can change our entire day so if i am kind to myself i will intern feel good.

The last month has been some intense soul searching, looking to the depths of my being in order to understand myself in any way I can. I think the way its going i can say that 2017 is the year i find myself in the darkest corners of my brain and breakdown the giant wall i have built to protect me.. it hasn't protected me from anything but the acceptance and love that i deserve to give myself. So heres to the start, to taking the steps in the right direction, to growing expenentially through experiencing life as myself and validating that i am whole and i have a light bright enough to light fires in the darkest of places, to endless possibilities, and to wake up everyday with the mindset that I have the power to do anything i can think of.

Peace out

[mazy-muse]

me vs beauty standards

There were days when I used to get super jealous while I let my boredom consumes me as my thumbs scroll through the “explore” section as I witness the picture of those fair-skin, slim, tall girls, so-called proportional bodies, those which would get the label as beauty among common people. There were also days when everyone kept saying that I look fat, that “hey, you’d look prettier if you were skinnier, you know?” thingies.

And as a normal teenage girls, I had completely believed what they said: my friends, my family (yes, some of them often claim that I look like I’ve gained a lot of weight whenever I attend a family-gathering), the boys that I used to have a crush on (one of them once blatantly claim that he doesn’t like me because I’m too “short and chubby”), and last but not least, the society.

Not only they all complain about how I could gain my weight quickly, since I was skinnier back on my childhood days, but they gave a bunch of commentary about my face as well. Yep. Pimples used to have their own lair printed along my face. Believe me, even I was disgusted at myself back on those horrible days.

Let’s do the count, then. Was it all that they complain about. Unfortunately, nope. My legs become their problem (?) too. I have these two, very, hairy legs, so whenever I use shorties or a skirt, I never cease to draw everyone’s attention. Was I ever ashamed? No, I wasn’t. Until my close relatives started bragging about it. How my legs seem too manly, even from average boys’ legs-hair. How I suppose to do the waxing and, shush, begone! you disgusting hairy legs.

I then realized that the society thinks that I’m not going to be someone who’d they admire. I’m not pretty, not even close to it. I began to sulk at my mom, begging her to take me to the nearest salon to get rid of these hairy legs. I only did the bleaching because, dang, indeed I was scared of waxing; imagining the sticky, hot liquid along my skin before they pull the whole thick hair on my legs, ouch, a hundred ouches.

I didn’t stop there; I also started to do the cross-check about any tips, any ways to be slim in a fast way (oh, yes, no matter how much I try I had failed all of them because these mini-babies called food kept calling me and begging me to eat them). And the last thing was, I finally persuaded my mom and dad to bring me to a dermatologist clinic to cure these monstrous red pimples on my face.

I, the most confident girl in the town or so my parents said, successfully became insecure. Each time I see myself on the mirror, all I can find is my imperfectness. How my oily skin makes my face seem glowing, how broad my forehead is, and, for the love of God, I look so fat!!! Not to mention those ugly, red, alive pimples which made me look like I have smallpox.

It went on until I started college, and with all sudden change and pressure given for me from every aspect of my life, I never thought that I’ll ever experience a panic attack whenever I’m in the crowds, when I should become the center of attention. I once did a self-diagnose (this is NOT good, please seek for the professional help if you ever have any problem about your mental health) and got a conclusion that I had an anxiety disorder . . . which I figured at last that it was all only in my head.

For five years of my life I always give a damn about everyone’s opinion. I started to believe that no matter how smart you are, how many achievements you’ve got, how much talents that you possess; the SOCIETY wouldn’t see you because of that. First thing first, you’ve got to be pretty (in their standard). I’ve seen plenty of articles about dozens, hundreds of succesful and inspiring women around the world but, boy, was there something in my eye as I read the comments on each article—yep, those achievements don’t seem matter to them, ‘cause all I could see was only “ah, what a beautiful woman.” (most people in my country would say this).

My insecurity went on and on, until one fine day a realization strikes me right in the face. I have curvy body, and I weight more than 50 kgs, there are lot, countless of acne scars on my face and my legs aren’t as smooth as a baby’s buttocks.

 And then, why?

Why should I worry if no one thinks I’m not pretty?

Why the heck can’t I be proud of myself for all the achievements I’ve got?

Why should I fulfill anyone’s expectation about my appearance?

I pity myself because I let those opinions consume me, once even I ask about my self-worth. But, if my parents and my own self think that I’m pretty, then so be it. Pretty doesn’t always mean you have fair and smooth skin, or when you have skinnier body. Pretty could be anything, really. Start to be grateful for what you already have (I know how hard it is to be grateful, but I believe we all can do that), and just ignore those nasty, negative comments about how pretty you are. Besides, if anyone ever complains about my appearance, would they just complain about it or would they pay all the treatment till I look “pretty”? ;)

“They keep saying that beautiful is something a girl needs to be. But honestly? Forget that. Don’t be beautiful. Be angry, be intelligent, be witty, be klutzy, be interesting, be funny, be adventurous, be crazy, be talented - there are an eternity of other things to be other than beautiful. And what is beautiful anyway but a set of letters strung together to make a word? Be your own definition of amazing, always. That is so much more important than anything beautiful, ever.”

                                      - Nikita Gill, Don’t Be Beautiful