#i gasped so loud when kaz called Jesper Jordie

[one-chaotic-neautral]

Hyper specific trope of Character A accidentally calling Character B another persons name during an argument, revealing how they see character B

[emmaannaelisabeth]

THIS IS WHAT YOU DIDNT THINK YOU NEEDED. kaz having a religious experience. or at least how that might/could turn out. (aka me experimenting) and I GOT EMOTIONAL WRITING THIS. TEARS.

kaz closes his eyes. what if i can't be fixed? what if he'll always be this messed up creature that he is?

what if i'll never be unbroken enough to hold a girl in my arms? kaz feels his chest tighten. not just any girl, that girl. my girl.

something wet gathers in the corner of his eye, but kaz ignores it. his hands shake, tremble. the world blurs. what is this? why am i feeling like this?

he sinks to the floor; finds himself doing something he never thought he would do, he finds himself letting the fraction of a prayer flash through his mind. fix me.

a sound, the fluttering of wings, makes him look up. his gaze falls on a crow in front of him. black feathers glisten in the damp light, and the crow tilts his head to the side, looks kaz in the eyes.

kaz tenses, what?

you know what, a voice says. you know who i am. kaz stares at the crow, eyes wide. does it talk? it's not an ordinary crow, it's much bigger, and it holds a golden key in its beak.

"what are you?" he whispers.

the crow moves one of its wings, corrects a feather. who, the voice corrects.

kaz's blood runs cold. jordie? the crow doesn't answer.

kaz swallows hard. "i- i don't know." Ghezen, why can't i...

yes, the voice says.

"what?" kaz mumbles, suddenly feeling his heart start to race.

you called for me, the crow says.

"what?" kaz's eyes widen, he stops breathing. "are you..?"

yes, the crow says. i am. i am who i am.

kaz feels his eyes fill with tears, why, he can't say. "you're.." Ghezen?

the crow nods. and kaz wants to run away. he shakes his head. no, no, you can't...

i can. i am.

kaz stares at the crow, petrified and at peace at the same time. his breaths tremble, what is happening?

you don't need to be afraid, kaz.

he gasps, his lips quiver. what? what?! he wants to scream.

i'm here, i always have been.

kaz shakes his head frantically, feels the tears fill his eyes, then spill onto his skin. "no", he chokes. "no, you haven’t."

the crow tilts its head to the side. some things happen, things i can't control.

"you could have fucking saved him!" kaz yells, sobs, runs his trembling hands through his hair.

no. I could not.

"what do you mean no?" kaz looks up, stares at the crow, stares at Him. "he was thirteen..." kaz sniffles. the crow doesn't answer.

"you let him die!" kaz chokes on the words, his voice breaks. what the hell is wrong with me??

i saved you, did i not? kaz doesn't answer.

didn't i give you your life back? the crow’s voice rises in strength, makes the floor vibrate. didn't i give you strength? kaz shudders. didn't i spare you, by giving you one broken leg, instead of two? kaz tenses, the voice is too loud.

didn't i send them your way? jesper. inej. nina. matthias. wylan. the voice is scraping on his mind, fiddling with his heart. WHAT IS HAPPENING? kaz screams in his head.

didn't i save you? kaz sobs, covers his ears, curls up on the floor.

then, silence. kaz trembles, he's crying. he can't stop the tears.

oh, kaz. the crow's voice is soft now, soft like a sweet summer breeze. you don't need to be scared.

light, there's light, light surrounding him, and kaz looks up, sees the crow stand there, glowing. i'm here kaz, i've always been here.

kaz sobs. you were right, inej. she was right, she was fucking right.

she was, the crow says. kaz looks up.

you know i see all of my children. you know i see their work.

kaz nods numbly. he feels warm.

you have worked hard, kaz. i will answer you.

Ghezen lifts his wings. and then He's flying, grabbing kaz around the shoulders with his claws, digging deep into his flesh. kaz whimpers, but he doesn't fight it. there's peace in his heart.

the world swirls, feathers are all around him, air plays with his hair and clothes, he's flying. then, suddenly, he's back on the floor, in the same room, panting.

he huffs, feels as a wide grin spreads across his face. he pulls a hand through his hair, sobs and smiles. he feels light, he feels free, he feels happy. he wants to run, he wants to jump, he wants to laugh, he wants to...

there's a knock on the door, and before kaz has had the time to spin around, inej stands there and, without thinking, he wraps her up in his arms and spins her around.

inej laughs. "what?" she aks, looks at him, amazed. "what happened?"

"what do you mean?"

"kaz, you're touching me."

he looks down, sees his hand on her cheek. when did i put it there? an amazed huff passes his lips. he can't believe this. he… can do this?

"i..." he begins. "you were right", he says. "they do exist." inej looks like she can't decide if she should smile or frown.

"Ghezen", kaz whispers, smiling. "he's real. you were right."

she closes her open mouth, nods slowly. tears prick in her eyes. "so you do believe", she smiles.

"he..." kaz's face relaxes completely, his mouth hangs open. he fixed me. i- i can touch her, i can...

he looks into inej's eyes. "can i kiss you?" he asks. "can i try?"

inej's cheeks flush with the red of blossoming roses, then, she lifts her small hands to his cheeks and pulls his face gently towards hers.

their lips meet like the first waves that come in towards land after a storm. are one.

remember, kaz, the voice says, echoes in kaz's mind again. Ghezen's voice. i did mend you. i have locked away your fears with this key in my beak.

kaz's heart floods over. thank you.

[searchforthescars]

The Best by Far - Ch. 2

A solid two weeks after this chapter was promised, here it is. I hope you enjoy!

Alexander was nearly asleep by the fire when Jordan started hammering at the door.

She never pounded nor slammed; she was always the picture of calm and order, always knocking demurely or ringing the bell when there was one. When he flung open the door, she shoved past him, slamming and locking the door before leaning against it.

“Are you…okay?” He asked hesitantly, taking in her tangled hair, the wild anxiety in her eyes, the way she gnawed on her lower lip. Her breath was coming in harsh gasps. She obviously wasn’t but sometimes he felt he owed her the courtesy of a lie. “Did you run here?”

She nodded, the cut on her cheek flexing as she moved. “Okay, come here.” He pulled her into the kitchen, effectively startling the stray cat Victoria had let in three nights ago. “Sit down. I’m cleaning that.” [Read on Ao3]

He felt her calming as he worked; the tense muscles on her face smoothed and her hunched shoulders relaxed. He didn’t speak until he was done and only when her cut was cleaned and bandaged did he kneel before her perch on the stool and say, “talk.”

No matter how irate Jordan was, how stressed or tired or confused, her stories were impeccably told, always without room for question or error. She told every detail as if she was reading it from a page, her disturbingly perfect recall only working to her credit.

She told him about the ship in berth 22, the woman who looked like her, and a birth certificate she had found in her father’s safe with the name Jordan Ghafa inscribed in Kaz’s careful hand. He listened to it all, took it in more of a stride than Jordan was at the time, and waited for her story to wear out.

“I don’t know what to do,” she gritted out, her slim fingers clenching into a fist. “She’s there and my papa was holding her and… It’s all wrong, Alexander.”

“How is it wrong?”

She let out a loud sigh, her teeth sinking into her lip. “Because my father doesn’t hold people. And how dare she just come back! She left me!” Her voice rose, rasping against the walls. “She sent me to this city and stayed!”

Alexander drummed his fingers against his leg. His thighs were beginning to cramp but he stayed still. Jordan’s dark eyes were glossy with anger, resting on his face as if to burn his skin to shreds. “Maybe she didn’t mean to leave you,” he said tentatively. “You said she looked underfed and afraid. Maybe something happened.”

Jordan snorted incredulously. “Something that took 14 years?”

Alexander shrugged, standing up. “I don’t know. Just don’t judge too quickly, okay?” She sighed, brushing her fingers over the bandage on her cheek. Alexander pulled her off the stool and tugged her to the staircase. “Sleep here tonight. Go home tomorrow and talk to your father.”

The clock chimed two bells. The bags under Jordan’s eyes were dark and deep. “Alright,” she murmured, climbing the stairs obediently with Alexander at her back.

They crossed the hall to his room and Jordan went for the bureau, pulling a shirt from his drawer that he knew would fall to her knees. He stripped off his shirt and she turned around so he could divest himself of his pants. This had been their routine since they were eight years old and they knew it as well as they knew breathing.

Jordan burrowed under the covers; Alexander had to laugh at the way she was covered up to her eyes in blankets. He slipped in next to her, letting her lean her forehead against his shoulder. “Goodnight, Jordie.”

Her voice caught on a giggle. “Goodnight, Al.”

He shoved her. She laughed and he thought he might get drunk on the sound if he could.

Wylan was not even a little surprised to see Jordan Brekker asleep in Alexander’s bed.

He peered through the doorway, squinting to see in the morning light fighting for purchase through Alexander’s window. Jordan was secure in his arms, her head on his chest. Alexander’s free hand was tangled in her hair with the other one wrapped around her waist. It made Wylan miss his husband, who hadn’t come home last night, sending a messenger from Kaz’s home in lieu of his presence.

“Morning,” Victoria whispered from behind him.

Wylan turned, wrapped an arm around her shoulder and kissed her on the forehead. “Morning, Victoria. Sleep well?”

She shrugged and yawned, her brown-gold hair a tangled mess around her shoulders. “Should I wake them up?”

Wylan caught sight of Jordan’s furrowed brow, identical to her father’s in sleep. “No, let them sleep.”

Victoria followed her father downstairs obediently, padding into the kitchen to get cups of tea. “What happened last night?” Victoria asked. “I got home and went to bed and I woke up to banging on the door. It was Jordan, so I let Alexander handle it.”

Wylan nodded, having only a vague idea of the events of last night that were conveyed through Jesper’s hastily-relayed message. His heart beat a little faster considering the possibility that the Wraith was home for good this time. Then he thought of the girl upstairs, asleep in his son’s arms, who had no idea who Inej Ghafa was or why her presence would turn Kaz inside out.

“I’m going down to the Slat after breakfast,” he told his daughter, who was studiously sipping at the black tea the servants knew to leave for her.

“Can I come?” She asked after a hard swallow.

Wylan sighed. “If Jordan and Alexander are coming, you may as well. Otherwise you can go to the Exchange, get started early.”

“You’re leaving already?” Alexander asked from the middle of the staircase. His shirt was a rumpled mess and there were wrinkles on his cheek from the pillowcase.

“You have university classes at 11,” Victoria reminded her brother with all the superiority of a younger sister.

Alexander ruffled her hair before slinging his long legs over the chairs, sitting backwards with his arms crossed over the chair back. Wylan was fondly reminded of Jesper. “I’ll be gone by then. I’m never late.”

Victoria pushed her chair back. “I’m going to get dressed. Alexander, wake Jordan up, will you?”

“Bossy, bossy.” Alexander tweaked the end of her braid as she slipped past him. He watched Victoria go upstairs, then turned toward his father.

Wylan was still acquainting himself with the concept of looking up at his son, who had sprouted like corn over the past year or so. “What happened at the harbor last night?” Alexander asked, his face the picture of friendly concern. “Jordan’s upset. And Jordan never gets upset.”

Wylan sighed. “Her mother is back.”

Alexander buried his head in his hands. “I thought she died. All these years, I thought she died.”

Wylan pushed a hand through his hair. “We all did. She was - is - the captain of a ship. You may know her as the Wraith.”

When he lifted his head, Alexander’s eyes were the size of dinner plates. “The Wraith. Inej Ghafa is Jordan’s mother?”

Wylan nearly laughed at his son’s surprise. “It wouldn’t shock you so much if you had known them when they were young. Kaz was impossibly in love with Inej when he could bear to admit it. He was going to marry her.” The last sentence was said softly.

“She doesn’t know a thing about her mother,” Alexander mused. “If Kaz loved her so much, why wouldn’t he tell Jordan anything about her?”

“Kaz never talks about what pains him,” Wylan said gently. “And Inej’s disappearance pained him most of all.”

“Now that she’s back, what will he do?”

Wylan looked toward the door, hoping Jesper would be home before he had to go to the Exchange. “He’ll rip the city apart until he gets vengeance for whoever took her.”

Alexander paused for a moment, picking at his cuticles. “Is...Is Jordan Kaz’s daughter? By blood?” Wylan must have made a strange expression because Alexander hurried to explain. “If she was at sea and was captured… There are things that happen.”

Wylan tried not to chuckle at the embarrassment on Alexander’s face. “She is Inej’s daughter. There’s no empirical proof but I know it like I know how to breathe.” He smiled, remembering his favorite things about the small Suli girl and how they echoed in her daughter. “Jordan has her determination, her sense of justice and her strength.”

Relief crossed his face, though he said nothing to explain his question. “I’m glad.” He trailed off after a moment, lost in his thoughts. “I’m going to wake Jordan and take her home.”

Wylan watched him go, praying that Inej was all right, elated at the possibility of seeing her again.

Victoria slung her satchel over her shoulder as she headed toward the Exchange, diving into the bustling crowd of the Financial District with well-practiced finesse. Many of the merchants called morning greetings to her and asked after her father. She gave them the same answers she always did and they gave her the same farewells.

“Every day is the same,” she muttered to no one in particular as she locked herself in her father’s office and began scanning the morning numbers. She was so absorbed in her work, she didn’t even hear the rapping on the door.

“What business?” She asked, poking her head out the door in answer to the young messenger standing in the hall.

“Victoria Van Eck?” He asked hesitantly.

Victoria suppressed an eye-roll. “Yes, that’s me.”

He extended an envelope. “This came for you and your father. It has an old postmark but I thought you might want it.”

Victoria turned the heavy envelope over in her hands. The creamy paper bore no return address and an unfamiliar hand. “Thank you.”

The messenger boy hesitated for a moment. “You don’t like being called Victoria Van Eck, do you?”

Taken aback, Victoria almost forgot to reply. “I prefer Victoria Fahey. Victoria Van Eck has too many v’s.”

He gave her a toothy grin. “Duly noted.”

“Wait.” Victoria stopped him before he turned to go. “What’s your name?”

“Arik,” he answered with a funny little bow of his head.

Victoria extended her hand. “Pleasure.”

He shook it firmly, then took his leave. Victoria watched him go for a moment, shaking her head as she shut and bolted the door once more.

She slid her pinky finger under the envelope’s flap and eased it open, careful not to rip the heavy paper.

There was no greeting, just spidery script in a heavy hand. The words were sharp and harsh and rudely addressing her father. Victoria scanned the three or so pages for a signature and, finding none, began to read it from the beginning more thoroughly.

“You need to stop locking the door,” her father told her, letting himself in with the key Jesper made him carry at all times. “One of these days you’re going to lock yourself out. Or me in,” he added as an afterthought, sinking into his desk chair.

“Look at this, Father,” she extended the letter. Wylan took it, squinting at the words, before handing it back to Victoria. “Sorry.”

Wylan grinned. “It’s fine. Who’s it from? Is it a love letter?”

Victoria grimaced while her father laughed. “Disgusting!” She glared at her father while reaching for her glasses. “No, it’s not signed.”

Her father frowned. “Interesting. What does it say?”

Victoria scanned it again, slower now that she had her glasses. “It’s addressed to you, I think… Should we have Kaz analyze the writing?”

Wylan leaned back in his desk. “Read some of it to me.”

“‘I think it’s absolutely ludicrous that you have taken the Van Eck empire - one you were never in a position to control - and turned it into-’ What’s wrong, Da?”

Victoria watched her father’s face drain of color. “I know who this is from.” He stood abruptly. “I need to speak with your father. Stay here.”

With that, he was gone, not even bothering with his coat or scarf. Victoria picked up the envelope that had held the mystery letter. The postage stamp was old and faded but she if she squinted hard enough he could make the name out.

"Hellgate?" She said aloud, her voice stunned in the silence. She reached for her coat and satchel, jamming the envelope in her pocket. A hunch grew in her mind. If she was right, she had to tell Kaz.

In retrospect, Alexander should have kept Jordan away from home a little longer.

The moment she entered her home, she was stalking upstairs to her father’s office. Alexander followed at her heels, attempting to talk her down from whatever rant she was about to release.

When he reached the office, Jordan was standing before Kaz’s desk. A slim Suli woman with wide brown eyes was perched on the armchair against the wall watching the interaction. She gave Alexander a small smile when he caught her eye.

“Inej,” he murmured softly, moving to stand near her so he could watch Jordan. “I’m Alexander Van Eck.”

She gave him a nod. He was reminded of his grandmother on her bad days. It made him sad. “You’re Jes and Wylan’s son?”

He smiled. “Yes, ma’am.”

Jordan’s anger pulled his attention to the room. “You’re just going to let her back here? Now? After what she did?” Her voice was steel. Kaz’s eyes were equally impassive. “She left me, Papa! She abandoned me in a city I didn’t know with people I didn’t know. I was three, for Saint’s sake!”

“I don’t particularly care what she’s done!” Kaz shouted. Jordan merely blinked in the face of her father’s anger. Alexander wanted to excuse himself from the room but Inej’s steady gaze held him fast. “She is your mother and you will respect her presence in this home!”

Alexander saw Victoria slip in, shaking out her hair and folding her coat over her arm. “The door was open,” she whispered. “What did I miss?”

Alexander considered asking her why she wasn’t at the Exchange but thought better of it. “Jordan is angry as hell.”

Victoria cocked an eyebrow at him, fiddling with a folded envelope in her hands. “No kidding.”

“I am respecting her presence in this home!” Jordan roared back. “But I cannot condone your silence on the actions of those who kidnapped and enslaved her. Again!”

“She’s really mad,” Victoria whispered to Alexander, who nodded. He could always tell when Jordan was angry because her words turned formal and her tone turned stiff. Inej, who had been staring at the wall, turned to watch her daughter. Looking at her, everything of Jordan not evident in her father now made sense. Jordan had Inej’s slender hands, slim frame and coppery skin. She was every bit as beautiful as her daughter.

“There will be no silence, Jordan.” Kaz was deadly-calm now. Dirtyhands was coming out to play and Jordan was feeding off that darkness. “No one harms the Wraith and goes without punishment.” Beside him, Alexander saw Inej flinch. “But we are Brekkers and we do not act rashly. Understood?”

Jordan pursed her lips as she nodded. After a moment, the scared child was replaced with a scheming Barrel rat. “Can I help with the plans?”

The biggest uh-oh in Ketterdam ran through Alexander’s mind like a spooked horse when Kaz nodded.

Jordan grinned, all bared teeth and glinting eyes. “Good. Because I already have some ideas.”

[emmaannaelisabeth]

in today's episode of sailor-wife!kaz i am going to make you stop breathing. ladies and gentlemen and crows and knives and bombs and guns, here is PART 10

inej draws in a sharp breath, looks around, tears in her eyes. the city has gone dark, darker than it has ever been before, and it is not just the night that envelopes her, it’s the fact that she cannot find her boys. she doesn’t understand what she did wrong - she followed their trail, thought she was close, did everything she use to do, but nothing. she finds nothing, nothing but scattered pieces of her broken heart on the dirty rooftops.

where are you, she thinks. where are you kaz? where are you jordie?

she closes her eyes, shakes her head. what if they’re dead? what if she’s alone. what if she wasn’t there when her small boy, her own flesh and blood, her heart, lost the light in his eyes. what if jordie is lying somewhere, cold and stiff and broken and hurt and…

inej snaps her eyes wide open, tears flood her eyes and she stumbles backwards in horror, wrapping her arms around herself. she can’t breathe, her soul quivers in agony and her every cell vibrates in terror. what if the man didn’t want to kill him? what if they took him?

and within the blink of an eye she’s back on the ship, so long ago, and she sees those boys that sat there with her, just as scared as she was. and inej’s legs fail her. she backs into a wall and slides down alongside it.

a sob passes her lips and she lifts her hands to her mouth. they tremble worse than they did that time kaz almost didn’t come home to her at the end of the day. she had just figured out she was pregnant. and she was thrilled, she had never been so happy in her whole life.

but then jesper had banged on the door, and when she’d opened, she’d felt it as if the whole world fell apart, came crashing down on her; as if all the earth’s mountains and hills crumbled, as if all waves in the sea washed over her, as if the sky turned into spears of air that all fell on her, split her skin, cut her heart, nailed her to the reality in front of her.

kaz.

kaz had been red.

his usually moonlight skin was no longer pale and light, it was crimson red. bright, glistening, red. and there was not one part of him that was not broken, that had not been twisted in the wrong angle, that didn’t look like it could never heal.

before her, in matthias’ arms, lay a man barely alive, a man who didn’t know yet that he was going to be a father, a man who might never get to hold his child. and inej had screamed, her legs had given way.

she wasn’t the one to fall, she wasn’t the one to listen to the sound of her heart breaking, she wasn’t a weak soul, and yet there she’d been, falling. jesper had caught her, and she’d sobbed into his jacket. not loud, no, almost no sound at all, just desperate petrified breaths and.

for a moment, she’d seen her whole life in front of her, and in every family picture, there would be a dark haired person missing. for a moment, she’d thought she’d lose him, and that she’d be a widow before they even could celebrate their first anniversary. for a moment, she thought she’d have to raise the small life in her belly without him.

thank the saints, she hadn’t had to. at least not until now.

again, she isn’t a weak soul. but she is not only the wraith, she is also the woman who fell to her knees when kaz almost left her that day. and that woman doesn’t know what to do, she is tired, tired from looking, from searching, tired from swimming and crying and worrying. and that woman can’t do this anymore. at least not alone.

she doesn’t know how long she’s been walking, saints, she barely knows where she’s walking. but her body seems to know the way, so she follows. and then she finds herself at their door.

and once again, just like that time, she falls into jesper’s arms.

“hey, hey”, he says, but inej can barely hear him over the roaring river of tears in her eyes. “inej, talk to me, what’s wrong? shouldn’t you be on your ship?”

she clings to him as if he was the only rock that kept her from sinking, from being dragged down in the deep of the sea. she shakes, gasps just like she did almost ten years ago. somewhere in her shattered mind she can sense jesper tensing - is he calling wylan’s name?

wylan? is he here?

where am i?

where is kaz?

“jordie”, she whimpers and her breathing quickens, she feels as if she can’t breathe, she doesn’t get any air.

jesper’s voice, somewhere, but where? does he speak her name?

waves. waves crash into her, she stumbles to the side, almost falls out of jesper’s embrace. what is this?

where am i?

jesper?

“kaz”, she wheezes. “kaz, kaz, kaz…” is that her voice? she doesn’t recognise it? does she sound like that?

grey eyes. jesper. his face blurs. is he talking?

i can’t breathe.

“where’s my son?” she wheezes. “my son, my son, my son…”

the world spins, the ceiling is the floor, she’s flying, she’s falling, she’s drowning, i can’t breathe.

where is kaz? where is jordie?

where is my son?

she sinks to her knees, she thinks, she can’t really tell what’s happening.

the crimson cobblestones flashes through her mind, back and forth, bounces between the walls of her skull; she sees kaz fall again and again, she sees him shelter jordie with his body again and again.

CRACK CRACK CRACK!

the shots rips through her soul, leaves only thrashed shreds behind. the knowledge that it was kaz’s blood radiates through her body like poison, kills every part of her; with her every panicked heartbeat she thinks about that she might never hear his again, might never get to hold him in her arms again.

tears rush down her cheeks and she stares in front of her, not seeing anything real, only kaz, bloodied and dead, jordie laying by his side.

inej. inej. inej. inej.

is someone saying her name? she frowns.

inej, listen to me.

“kaz?” she whimpers, whines, and fights the arms that hold her.

hes’s there, he walked out of the room, he disappeared right there, right there. “kaz!” she gasps, detangles her arm from the strong ones around her, stretches it out. he was there, he was, she saw him, she saw him…

“kaz!” this time she screams and struggles. “kaz!” her voice is raw, sore, raspy, almost like his. all the sanity she ever owned is gone.

she sobs loudly this time, begs for the arms that hold her to let her go, let her go after him, i need to save him, i need to save him, i need to save him. but all she can see is red hair and blue tear glittering eyes and dark skin and grey…

and a child. and inej completely falls apart. because it’s not her’s.