#i fully think the contract was ''you get an actor and a public boyfriend and we get a beard and a public straight narrative''

[fuchsea]

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[filthy-reckless-rp]

♛ Spotted on the Upper East Side…

Name: Rebecca Ravenwood Pronouns: She/Her Age: 45 years old Hometown: Up To Player Occupation: Actor Social Status: Insider Faceclaim suggestion: Jessica Chastain

Who Is Rebecca?

“New to town with a made up name, in the angel’s city, chasing fortune and fame.”

Rebecca Ravenwood- I’m holding for the applause! You’re an inspiration, an icon. You fought tooth and claw to get to where you are now, destroying anyone who dared think about ruining you (I can relate). You’ve never fully trusted anyone, not even your nearest and dearest. You rely on yourself, always keeping a distance in your relationships. You could never relax, you could never settle, always working to protect your reputation and your work. At times, you’ve let your success get in the way of other people’s feelings, including your precious daughter’s. No judgement here, promise. To your public, you’re perfect! Never a hair out of place, a photo that wasn’t proofed, a project that isn’t lucky to have you. Behind closed doors? Let me know. XOXO ---Gossip Girl

A Little Extra

Up To Player (two paragraphs of biography; helpful key points listed below - message if you’d like to make any changes or note in the app if you’d rather the bio written up  for you!)  

Rebecca Ravenwood is an iconic actor and a member of the incredibly famous ‘brat pack’. Rebecca, Johnny, Diana and Jamie were the up-and-coming stars of their time. They all had their biggest break on a soapy teen drama that had more twists and turns than you could keep up with. Rebecca is publicly very grateful for her big break but does remind the press that she’s long moved on.

Still actively working as an actor, Becca immediately declined the offer to join ‘Friday Night Bites’ with her fellow ‘brat pack’. It wasn’t until she had word that Jamie had said yes, she reconsidered over a late night glass of wine. Nostalgia is a bitch and now she’s signed a contract.

Having Roni when she was young, her career still taking off, caused a lot of complications for Rebecca. She started to cut off her friends, starting a new life with her daughter and husband. She focused on her work, she wanted to keep building a life for herself and Roni. Rebecca could only count on herself, that’s how it would always be.

Rebecca can be cold, calculating and cut to the bone when she wants to. She isn’t afraid to do what needs to be done, she isn’t afraid to be the ‘bad guy’. She’ll stab you in the back with her stiletto and then go on to host an award show with a smile. Rebecca can be ruthless.

But Becca can also be silly and fun. She can be playful and sweet. She used to play pranks on set when she was young. She’d insist on a round of shots for the whole group, drag everyone to karaoke and out sing everyone there! She spent a long time perfecting a character, she isn’t sure who the ‘real’ Rebecca is anymore.

What Does Gossip Girl Have On Them?

Veronica broke up with her boyfriend, Sam Watts, before they should have both been heading to college. She came home to L.A, with a secret. Roni was pregnant. Becca knew she had to keep the scandal- the secret- under wraps for as long as possible. They were already going through a divorce- Becca and Roni’s dad (who had been unfaithful)- and keeping the media at bay was a full time job. Rebecca arranged for the adoption- it was for the best. Also up to player (if applicable; alternatively you can note their thoughts on Gossip Girl’s return!)

Connections

Veronica Ravenwood - Rebecca’s whole world, her daughter. Not that she’s ever been able to articulate these feelings to her. Rebecca’s relationship with Veronica is turbulent, it’s complicated. Rebecca never knew how to be a mom, she only knew to protect Roni, to do what’s best (right?). 

Jamie Park - ‘brat pack’ member and one of Rebecca’s oldest companions. Becca always had a way of getting under Jamie’s skin. They were together on and off a lot before Becca had Veronica (and some times after). They either loved or hated each other with no in between. Becca could never really let Jamie love her.

Johnny Akana - ‘brat pack’ member, Johnny and Becca were always at each other’s throats when they were young. They were either arguing or laughing, screaming or dancing together. They haven’t spoken since Roni was little. 

Diana Watts - fellow ‘brat pack’ member. Becca lost touch with almost everyone years ago. Diana was never afraid to call Becca out when needed but they loved each other. They all did. Secretly, they once had a romantic tryst but agreed to keep it under wraps so they didn’t hurt Johnny and Jamie. 

[medea10]

My Review of Rascal Does Not Dream of Bunny Girl Senpai

What in fresh light novel hell did I get into?

What is this, Haruhi Suzumiya and Charlotte’s illegitimate child?

This series premiered in the Fall 2018 anime season and I was almost curious enough to take a peak at this series. Almost! Shit, I can’t remember why I didn’t choose this one. I was probably watching some dud, some sequel, or was busy trying to finish my work to get my degree. Lucky me, I started this anime back in the early days of Covid shutdown and just two weeks after FUNimation pulled the movie from its site, you damn cheats!

Adolescence or Puberty Syndrome is a rare anomalie that seems to affect teenagers in many ways. The symptoms vary from person to person and many people believe it to be nothing more than a myth. But one high school boy knows it exists due to his own issue with the disease. Sakuta Azusagawa has had some unusual anomalies happen to him because of Adolescense Syndrome including an ugly scar on his chest. And his younger sister Kaede has suffered a bit with the syndrome as well. All will be revealed later on.

Then we have Mai Sakurajima, a third-year high school student. As a child, she gained fame and popularity with a career as an actor. But she walked away from that life for unknown reasons. Sakuta’s first interaction with Mai was anything but normal. Sakuta was at a library when he sees Mai walking around in a bunny-girl costume. Normally this would gain attention from everyone around, but it was only Sakuta who noticed Mai. Turns out Mai has her own battle with Adolescence Syndrome. Mai has for some reason or another become invisible to the world around her. As Sakuta tries to help Mai through her predicament, his actions bring him into contact with more girls afflicted with the elusive disease.

BETWEEN THE SUB AND THE DUB: As of this date and time, no dub exists for this series. And that’s weird considering this anime made its way to Netflix and that place has a ba-jillion dubs from several countries. But nope, nada! This anime is licensed by Aniplex and pimped out by FUNimation. Holy crap, the seiyuus of Naofumi AND Raphtalia are the stars?! Three months before Shield Hero came out! I love it! Here’s what you might recognize these folks from.

*Sakuta is played by Kaito Ishikawa (known for Kiawe on Pokemon SM, Genos on One Punch Man, Naofumi on Shield Hero, Rokudou on Rinne, Urie on Tokyo Ghoul :re, and Mitsuo on Golden Time)

*Mai is played by Asami Seto (known for Officer Jenny on Pokemon SM, Raphtalia on Shield Hero, Mado on Tokyo Ghoul, Miyoko on Food Wars, and Young Yukiatsu on Anohana)

DISLIKED CHARACTER: Saki!

If you’re keeping up, she’s Kunimi’s girlfriend. She always gets on Sakuta’s case because he hangs out with Kunimi openly. Because of the rumor about Sakuta being dangerous, Saki thinks hanging out with Sakuta is damageable to her boyfriend’s popularity. Pardon me lady, but your boyfriend can hang out with whomever the fuck he wants to. Piss off!

SHIPPING: I gotta admit, the Sakuta x Mai pairing was growing on me from the very start. It was that freakin’ cute! And then episode 3 comes along and you get a very vocal and public confession of Sakuta’s feelings about a girl that may or may not be disappeared fully. The only thing is that Mai is not going to give up so easily. Even though Sakuta annoys her from time to time, you still see Mai take time from her busy schedule to come and tutor him or visit him. Add to that, because of a clause in her contract, Mai cannot date Sakuta (for now).

Then there’s Koga! After several misunderstandings, Sakuta and Koga are seen as a couple. You’d think after so many shows with two characters being fully clothed in an awkward position, people would catch onto this trope and think nothing of it. But it’s still a thing! They were in a fake relationship for some time. Sakuta of course is still devoted to Mai so there’s no way he would fall for Koga no matter how many times she resets the day of their date. Koga ended up falling for Sakuta for real and had him repeat the same day several times.

Next we have Shouko Makinohara! Two years before Mai came along, Sakuta’s first crush consisted of a girl a few years older than him. Let’s just say it stuck with him as Shouko kinda resembles Mai. But then we meet a middle school girl with the exact same name and also looks like Sakuta’s crush. But we’ll touch more on that with the movie.

Moving away from Sakuta’s lady issues, we get a few episodes surrounding his friend Futaba. We get a little insight with who she likes. And quite frankly, I would have gladly liked it if Futaba was Kunimi’s girlfriend instead of the bitch he’s currently dating. But that’s just me and Kunimi’s girlfriend left a bitter taste in my mouth since her debut in episode one.

THIS IS HOW YOU DO A REPEATING DAY: I hate having to beat a dead horse, but take a lesson Haruhi Suzumiya. Bunny-senpai didn’t need 8 episodes to get the point across. They only needed two at the most. Yeah, it’s another Adolescence Syndrome case.

ENDING: Throughout the season, we’ve seen how this Adolescence Syndrome has affected Sakuta and the other women in his life. But for better or worse, everyone seemed to have gotten some kind of resolution with their dilemma. Whether it was Futaba or Koga wanting to express their feelings to the one they love, Mai getting back into show business, or getting Nodaka and Mai to get along as sisters, these anomalies were able to be resolved…for the most part. Now there are a few things that leave unsolved including Sakuta’s mystery scar on his chest, the mystery of Shouko Makinohara, and Sakuta’s little sister, Kaede. Two of these will be delved deeper in the movie, but for now we’ll focus more on Kaede.

Kaede has been a shut-in for a while now due to some intense bullying in her school. At first, I thought she was a lot like Sagiri from Eromanga Sensei or Jun from Rozen Maiden, but things changed drastically and took a WTF detour. Anyways, Kaede couldn’t leave the house without feeling horrifyingly scared. But, little by little, she’s been setting goals for herself so she can do things like go to the beach with her brother, answer the phone on her own, and maybe one day go back to school. And she’s made great progress until an old classmate of Kaede’s sees and confronts her. And we learn that Kaede has no memories!

Yes, we can pin the blame on Adolescence Syndrome once more. After being bullied, Kaede’s mind snapped to a point where she has full-blown amnesia. She can’t even remember Sakuta or even her own parents. This took a toll on the family as their mother ends up with a mental illness of her own and they decide to separate themselves from Kaede and Sakuta. Thankfully, Kaede gets attached to Sakuta. But Sakuta seemed bugged by how Kaede is to what she used to be. That’s when he notices a mysterious bruise on Kaede and the mysterious slash marks on his chest. Doctors don’t believe Sakuta’s claim of the phenomena of Adolescence Syndrome. No one did! Except when Sakuta first meets his crush, Shouko Makinohara! But Sakuta sucked it up and tried to be there for Kaede until she returned to being the normal Kaede. Kaede was never this clingy to Sakuta before, it’s just that Sakuta was the one person she saw to trust.

Kaede has been able to get through the goals on her list. Even going to school! Albeit at night when everyone was gone, but it still counts. The next day, Kaede’s memories returned and the memories she obtained in the last two years when she had amnesia are gone. This really upset Sakuta as he went in full-blown panic attack mode as he ran out of the hospital screaming. That’s when Shouko came in the picture. The one he fell in love with years ago! It looked like she was able to settle him down. Now how do you think Mai’s gonna feel about all of this? She was pretty freakin’ upset when Sakuta didn’t mention Kaede’s memories or even Shouko spending the night. Oh and also its Mai’s birthday and rascal-boy didn’t know.

To sum up this romantic moment, Sakuta made a long trip to see Mai face-to-face (for the last 15 minutes of her birthday). Mai looked like she was gonna kiss Sakuta, but it was just a tease. And the ED credits show us shots of everyone and Kaede seemingly getting used to meeting the new faces that she met during her amnesia.

MOVIE: Middle school Shouko or full grown Shouko? Who’s the real Shouko? Will the real Shouko Makinohara please stand up?

Actually, they’re both real. It’s just that one of them time-freakin’-traveled. Could this be any more Haruhi Suzumiya? It turns out that Shouko has been ill her whole life and constantly in and out of the hospital (one of the many reasons why she’s unable to take the cat she found early on in the series). And Future Shouko survived with a heart transplant! But here’s the kicker, the heart she got was Sakuta’s. Hence that hideous scar on his chest! A foreshadowing scar of things to come to Sakuta! Unfortunately, Sakuta dies on Christmas Eve and because he recently became an organ donor, his heart winds up in Shouko’s body. Sakuta ends up changing the future so he doesn’t end up dying. It didn’t go the way he intended.

He’s pushed out of the way from a charging vehicle by Mai. And she dies! Thankfully this didn’t turn into a mid-movie plot-twist like I Want to Eat Your Pancreas. It gets crazier from here. Future Shouko is around because in this timeline, Mai’s heart is taken and given to Shouko so she can live. How the hell can Sakuta change this? TIME TRAVEL!

Fine, whatever! This series has already given us episodes with two Shouko’s and two Futaba’s, might as well give us two Sakuta’s. Sakuta managed to prevent himself and Mai from being killed prematurely by an out of control vehicle. However, one issue still stands and that’s if the present Shouko will live or die. She’s in critical condition and because neither of these kids became roadkill, no one has a heart for the transplant. Although Sakuta has a plan that might change the course of time!

Due to the Adolescence Syndrome, Future Shouko exists because of an unfinished homework assignment Shouko never completed because she was worried that she won’t have a future due to her weak heart. Sakuta will try to change that outcome on the assignment by having her finish her homework assignment and in return, Sakuta won’t meet Future Shouko and face the risk of not going to his current high school, meeting Futaba, Mai, Koga, and the rest. But by the looks of it, Sakuta was able to meet everyone, go to his high school, and become involved with Mai.

And we close with Sakuta seeing Shouko playing on the beach and they both remembered each other.

I really enjoyed this series. I didn’t expect I was going to when I saw this felt too much like Charlotte, Monogatari, and Haruhi Suzumiya all rolled into one. Especially that last one! When I saw the episode where time started repeating, I can honestly say I had some PTSD with that Endless Eight fiasco. Thankfully, this series was kind enough to squash that mess within two episodes. But I got a twinge when I noticed Shouko didn’t finish her homework and caused a chain-reaction with the Adolescence Syndrome. Endless Eight will always haunt me whenever I watch a time-repeating style anime.

It was a creative way to tackle adolescence. It’s a rough time for teenagers going through it. And each of these characters had their own hardships plaguing their lives from trying to shine through your sister’s shadow to suppressing bullying. I honestly loved all of these characters and was happy to see all of them go through these hurdles and overcome the most challenging moments of their youth. I honestly can’t recommend this enough.

If you would like to watch Bunny Girl Senpai, the entire series is available on FUNimation and Crunchyroll.

Okay, this was a nice series. What’s next on my Aniplex li…?

*a bajillion Fate series later*

Fucking Fate! Okay, now that I got through Grand Order, Heaven’s Feel, Fate/Apocra…whatever the fuck ya calling yourself, and that blasted cooking show with Shirou Emiya, can I please watch something not related to the cluster-fuck of Fate?

Okay, that’s better…But I might pause this review for some reasons.

[here4theheartbreak]

Found My Place Ch 3:

AO3 Link Here!

Relationships: main YoonJin, side VMin (mentioned) Rating: Explicit

Genres: angst, smut Tags (for entire fic): idol AU (canonverse), transgender character, transgender Seokjin, FTM Seokjin, transphobia, pre-debut, misgendering, bisexual Yoongi, supportive Yoongi, discussion of gender confirming surgeries and HRT, virgin Seokjin, sex anxiety, first time, vaginal sex, anal sex, oral sex, generic and scientific terms for female bodied genitals, squirting, barebacking, dirty talk, multiple orgasms, angst with a happy ending

Summary: Jin has a secret that could ruin BTS before they even had a chance to debut. To make matters worse (and better) Yoongi is determined to pursue him to the ends of the earth. Is balancing his secrets and his life possible, or will it all come toppling down around him?

Chapter Word Count: ~3.7k

“You know I care for both of you and support you both, but it’s been two weeks, Jin-hyung. You have got to tell Bang about you two dating,” Namjoon scolded.

Jin grimaced. “I know I do. I’m just worried.”

“About what? He was fine with Taehyung and Jimin dating, just told them to be mindful in public. What makes you think you two would be different?”

Jin shrugged, glancing over at Yoongi, who had suddenly found his notebook fascinating up close.

“I don’t know. I just have a gut feeling it’s gonna cause problems.”

“It will if you keep delaying it. Please, hyung. I want us all to be on the same page. Especially now that debut’s been announced? And so soon – This needs to be managed.”

“Fine… You’re right. I’ll tell him tomorrow,” Jin agreed. He caught Yoongi’s gaze, trying to smile.

“Thank you.” Namjoon squeezed Jin’s shoulder, heading over to where Yoongi sat to go over some lyrics he’d been working on. Jin quietly rose, slipping out of the room and down the hall to try and find a little solitude. The idea of telling Bang he was dating someone was horrifying in every way. Not because of it being two guys dating; Namjoon had been right when he said Taehyung and Jimin were given his blessing. But because of his secret.

However Jin, above most else, was a man of his word, so to speak. So, the next afternoon, he and Yoongi were sitting side by side in Bang’s office. Jin had tried to get Yoongi to stay back, not come with him. He knew what the topic of discussion would be already. But Yoongi refused. It took two to make a relationship so both would be present.

“You’re what?” Bang asked for the third time.

“Dating,” Jin said. “Yoongi and I started dating a few weeks ago. After I returned.”

“Why did you wait so long to come out with it?”

“Because we wanted to make sure it was something we both wanted to pursue,” Yoongi chimed in, “and now we are.”

A muscle in Bang’s cheek twitched. “Seokjin… I need to speak with you privately. Yoongi, please.” He motioned to the door.

“No.” Yoongi said simply. Both Bang and Jin gaped at him.

“Excuse me?” Bang asked.

“I said no,” Yoongi said. He reached over and grabbed Jin’s hand. “He’s my boyfriend. And if you’re going to chew him out for this, then I deserve it just as much. I asked him too. You gave the others your blessing, what makes us different?”

“Yoongi, I suggest you mind your tone.” Bang said simply. “Now, please—”

“No!” Yoongi shot up from the seat. He dropped Jin’s hand, his own balled into fists. “You’re our boss and I respect you for that. I respect you for putting us together. Bangtan has become my family. But I will not let you treat Jin-hyung differently because of who he is!”

Jin whimpered, tugging at Yoongi’s wrist. “Please, Yoongi—”

“No, Jin-hyung. I promised I’d stay quiet and I will. But not like this. It’s not fair to you or to me.” He turned back to Bang, his jaw set. “We didn’t come here asking for your permission, sir. We came to inform you of a relationship so that you could handle any PR properly. And that’s it.”

Bang closed the notebook on his desk and rose, leaning over it. He looked at Jin, who lowered his gaze. His stomach was twisted up in nots and his face was burning. He wanted to cry. “Please, Yoongi,” he whispered.

“You told him.” Bang said, ignoring Jin’s plea.

“Yes.”

“Despite the contract clause.”

“Yes.”

“What? No.” Yoongi snapped. “He didn’t tell me until after I knew. I spied on him, okay? When you dragged him in here for his surgery I snuck around and I caught him changing. I saw his chest and he caught me looking. We talked after. This is not on Jin-hyung. He did not break his contract clause. You had to know it was a risk that he’d be found out.”

“I expected more caution with what was at stake,” Bang muttered.

Jin hung his head even further. His vision began to blur, shame and nerves shredding him from the inside.

“That’s not fair,” Yoongi muttered.

“I took a risk! Seokjin knew the consequences.”

“I’ll quit,” Jin whispered.

“Jin-hyung—No,” Yoongi said.

Jin rose, wiping his face. He bowed low. “I broke contract and I know the consequences. But please… Please don’t punish them for my actions. They’ve worked so hard to get here. Please. I’ll leave. I’ll quit, let them debut as a six-member group.”

“That’s pretty big of you to offer, Seokjin.”

“Bangtan has become my family, same as Yoongi. I won’t let them suffer for something I’ve done. I made a mistake and I will pay for that mistake. Please don’t make them pay for it too. Not when they have so much to show. Surely even you know – They’re doing so well.”

“They are,” Bang agreed.

“Jin-hyung,” Yoongi whispered. “Don’t… Not like this.”

Jin looked over at Yoongi and smiled softly. “I knew this was a possibility, Yoongi. When we walked into this office I was preparing this if it came to it. Why do you think I didn’t want you here? It would make it that much harder to go.”

He took a shuddering breath. “Allow me to go gather my belongings from the dorm without the members there. Then I’ll return and work out a way to begin paying you back for the money you’ve spent on my training and surgeries.”

“And what should I tell the other five if you suddenly disappear? Hm?” Bang crossed his arms in front of him.

“They had to know it was a possibility that not all seven would make the cut. You can tell them anything, I’ll agree with it.”

“I won’t let you do this,” Yoongi whispered.

“And what will you do? Seokjin is taking responsibility for the actions that could ruin your debut,” Bang said, turning to Yoongi.

Jin glanced at Yoongi out of the corner of his eye, his heart clenching. Yoongi looked close to tears himself, his cheeks mottled red. His hands were balled into tight fists at his side, veins bulging with the tension of it.

“This is fucked up,” he snarled. “You agreed to bring Jin-hyung in only if he kept who he was a secret from his entire group. The group you want as a family. You knew it was an impossible task but you held the fate of the whole group over his head. You were setting him up for failure! It’s not like I reacted badly to finding out. I support him fully. I’m dating him for fuck’s sake! You can’t bring someone like this into a business this brutal without supporting him. Making him hide who is, that’s not support. That’s just as cruel as not letting him in at all. When I joined this company, I thought you were different. I thought you wanted to make the world a better place. A kinder place not only for traditional people but for people like Jin-hyung too. But you’re just like all the other companies.” Yoongi shook his head. “I’m out.”

“Excuse me?”

“I didn’t fucking stutter. I’m out. I’ll walk with Jin-hyung. It’ll kill me paying you back, but I’ll figure it out. I’d rather be in debt the rest of my life than associated with a company that treats people like this.”

Yoongi turned and stormed toward the door.

“Yoongi, wait!” Bang cried, circling around his desk.

Jin moved faster, chasing after Yoongi. He grabbed him before he reached the door and wrapped him in a hug, pressing a desperate kiss to his mouth. “Don’t you dare,” he whispered.

“I will dare. You don’t deserve this shit.”

“You’re right,” Bang admitted, leaning on his desk. He sighed softly. “I am trying to protect the group as a whole.” “So what does that mean?” Yoongi asked, though Jin refused to open his arms. He glanced over at Bang as well as he could.

“It means that taking away a member of the group this late in the game could really negatively impact the group’s performance. Plus, all the expenses telling the public about you already.”

“So, he can stay?” Yoongi clarified.

“There will need to be stipulations. For the both of you.”

“We can date?” Jin asked. His arms tightened around Yoongi.

“Well, it would look really bad if I let the other two date and said no to you two, wouldn’t it? Sit down. Quit being so dramatic with the storming out.” He waved his hand and circled back around his desk, taking a seat and tapping at his computer.

Jin looked at Yoongi, his heart swelling a little. He wanted to shake him and scold him, but also kiss him until their mouths were numb. Instead, he let go of him and grabbed his hand, twining their fingers as they headed over to the chairs and sat, facing their boss.

“I have to admit, you’ve certainly got balls for having no balls,” Bang commented. “Standing up to me like that.” “I’m sorry, Sir,” Jin mumbled.

“I don’t know if you realize how expensive that surgery was. And starting as an actor or idol for a different company with those scars? Unlikely. It’s a dead giveaway what you are, at least until they heal. If they heal right.”

Yoongi tensed next to Jin, and Jin saw his jaw twitch. He reached over and set his hand on Yoongi’s wrist, giving a barely there shake of his head. Some battles just weren’t worth fighting.

“Here’s the deal,” Bang said, not noticing their silent interaction. He laced his fingers together on his desk. “You two can date, that’s fine. I’ll tell you the same thing I told Jimin and Taehyung. Watch your public affection. Be mindful of those watching you. The managers will know you’re dating for security reasons, as well as a handful of others. But treat anyone you’re unsure if they know as if they don’t. Do not get caught on camera being more affectionate with each other than you’d be willing to be with any other member. I don’t care about who you date, but the public – and your fans – will. You will continue to present as single, straight, attainable men. Got it?”

Both Jin and Yoongi nodded.

“I reiterate – I do not care, nor do I want to know, about what happens behind closed doors. Bruises, marks of any kind, had better remain somewhere where they can’t be seen. The makeup girls have a hard job working with you lot already, they don’t need to worry about covering a hundred bite marks on your necks.”

Jin chuckled and nodded, his cheeks warming at the thought.

“Now the things that I didn’t have to tell those two. Not a word of what Seokjin is. To anyone. Your parents, siblings, other members.” He pointed at Yoongi as he spoke.

“The members have a right to know,” Yoongi argued.

“No. Not all of them are as open minded as you. You’ll date something like Seokjin, some of them may not even be willing to work with it.”

“Him,” Yoongi muttered. Jin squeezed his hand warningly, but Yoongi ignored it. “Jin-hyung is a him, not an it.”

“Whatever. My point stands.”

“He’s right, Yoongi. I love all of our members, but some are young. Some may really struggle with the idea. I wish I could tell everyone, but I don’t want to risk messing things up before debut. Maybe in the future… But this is a battle that I’m okay delaying. Right now, we need to remain entirely as a whole, a team.”

Yoongi scowled, his mouth turning into a pout. “I still don’t like it.”

Jin chuckled. “I know. But you said you’d stand by me. Please. Just let me come out on my own terms with them. I agree with what he’s saying.”

“Fine.” Yoongi nodded. “But the minute you want to come out, I’m helping you. Contract or not.” He looked pointedly at Bang.

“You certainly are getting more outspoken, aren’t you?” Bang chuckled a little. “We’ll continue. Once you debut, there will be a lot of people watching your every move. If there’s even a whisper of someone catching onto what Seokjin is, you come directly to me. I will handle it.”

They both nodded again.

“Now go, you’re already late for practice. Yoongi, I expect drafts of those two songs you’ve been working on in my office tomorrow.”

They both rose and bowed, leaving without another word. The silence on their walk to the dance practice room was tense. Jin wanted to say something, anything to break it, but he was afraid of what Yoongi might be thinking. It was Yoongi that ended up breaking it first.

“I didn’t like that, Jin-hyung.”

“What?”

“You were so quick to leave. You would have left without a second thought… That stings a little,” Yoongi mumbled. Jin stopped and grabbed him, forcing him to quit walking as well.

“I would never leave you, Yoongi. Even without being in Bangtan, I would have found a way to date you.”

“But that’s just it. Do we mean so little to you as Bangtan that you’d so willingly give us away?”

“No, Yoongi…” Jin’s heart clenched at Yoongi’s words. He couldn’t imagine the pain Yoongi must have been feeling, the way he thought. “Leaving would tear me to shreds. Bangtan – Even before dating you – You guys are my world. My brothers and my family. Stepping away, watching you debut while I find some nine to five job… It would have broken me. But being the reason that six dreams are crushed? That would have broken me worse. I couldn’t be the reason Bangtan didn’t debut. I just couldn’t do it, Yoongi. My pride isn’t worth crushing all of you. Think of Jungkook. Jimin – how hard he’s worked. Taehyung, he’s fought to get noticed and improved so much in just a short while. You and Namjoonie and Hobi, you’ve all been here so long, so many broken promises and failed group lineups. I’m not worth seeing all those dreams shatter. Please understand… My choice in there was not an easy one. It was one I have been sick to my stomach over since Namjoon told us to confess yesterday. I knew I would need to have a plan B, an escape route for the group in case he wanted to stop everyone. That was the only option. What else could I have done?”

“Fought for yourself,” Yoongi snapped, his voice soft but sharp. “He walked all over you in there, calling you an it, degrading you. He didn’t call you male once. And you just let him. How? Why?”

Jin shrugged. He knew Yoongi was right, he wasn’t blind, or deaf. He knew when he was being talked down to, and he knew when someone didn’t particularly care for who he was.

“What? Why? You can’t just shrug like it’s a burned breakfast, Seokjin. This is your very existence. What is so wrong with you that you can’t defend yourself?”

Jin pulled back a little, surprised at the anger radiating from Yoongi. He knew he was frustrated, but hadn’t expected this level of aggression. He shrugged again, and watched Yoongi’s jaw clench.

“You don’t get it, Yoongi. You can’t.”

“I’m trying!” Yoongi spat. “It doesn’t help that you just brush me off when I try to bring it up! I tried to defend you in there and you hushed me like a child acting up, what do you want from me?”

“I—” Jin’s shoulders sagged. His fears were all coming true, crashing down on him just as he’d feared they would. He was always too much for people. Too broken, too weird, not making sense. Too much baggage.

“What?” Yoongi snapped, crossing his arms.

Jin swallowed down the knot of tears that threatened to close off his throat. He blinked hard once and shrugged a third time, this time adding his best apologetic smile.

“I don’t know. You’re right. I should have defended myself. I’m not very good at it, I’m sorry. I’ll try harder. We need to get to practice.”

Yoongi’s face twisted, the anger melting into confusion at the clearly unexpected response from Jin. Jin didn’t give him a chance to argue back though, and instead just nodded and hurried down the hall, blinking away the tears that threatened to fall before anyone could see them.

He didn’t want to shut down from Yoongi, but he had never opened up to anyone, especially not about his secret. He didn’t know to explain his reasoning or why he picked his battles so carefully. It was easy to say that things were just simpler that way, but Yoongi wasn’t the type of man to take that answer. To Jin, it was obvious. Fighting against their boss when he’d already agreed to let a broken clause slide was stupid. And sometimes, the fight was futile. As much as Jin wanted to be accepted by everyone, he knew that some individuals just couldn’t see past the prejudice. Their boss was one of them, despite the openness to letting him join a boy group. Arguing and fighting against it would just frustrate everyone and reach zero middle ground.

“Hey, you okay?” Taehyung nudged Jin as he sat on the ground in the practice room, poking at his lunch.

“Hm? Yeah, fine.”

“You sure? You’ve barely touched your food.”

“You want it?”

Taehyung tilted his head a little, giving him a curious expression. “I’ll eat it if you aren’t but… What’s wrong, hyung?”

“Nothing. Just up in my head.” Jin pushed the container over to Taehyung and unfolded his legs.

“Why aren’t you with Yoongi-hyung?” Taehyung asked, digging into Jin’s abandoned meal.

“He’s busy,” Jin mumbled. He stretched out on the floor, staring up at the ceiling.

“Um… He’s sitting alone looking just as out of it as you are… Did everything go okay with the boss?”

“Yeah, we got the green light.”

“I feel like there’s a but in there.”

Jin shook his head, closing his eyes. “No but. We’re good. I’m just a little out of it today, I think.”

“I’d say… Well, you can talk to me if you want to. You know?”

Jin smiled softly and let his arm drop, falling onto Taehyung’s leg. “I know, Tae. You’re a good friend.”

Jin heard Taehyung depart, leaving him in his small bubble of empty. He could hear the others chatting as they ate; Jimin and Jungkook arguing over something he couldn’t make out, Namjoon and Hoseok were discussing lyrics of some sort. He strained his ears, trying to hear Yoongi, but was met with nothing. He wondered if Yoongi was mad at him. He’d never had a real relationship before, so he didn’t really know the signs to look for beyond those Yoongi would give when they were just friends. He supposed he could just ask, but the idea of a fight knotted his stomach in the worst way. He just wanted Yoongi to understand.

The remainder of practice moved far too slowly for Jin’s comfort. He could feel an uneasy pressure, and more times than not he caught Yoongi staring at him from across the room. The ride home was just as quiet. Jin busied himself with dinner as soon as they entered the dorm, hoping to avoid any serious conversation.

Luck wasn’t on his side, however, because he turned around with a bowl of water and nearly ran directly into Yoongi, who was leaning against the counter.

“Are you giving me the silent treatment?”

“What? No.” Jin moved past him and set the bowl down, digging in the fridge for food.

“I’m sorry I snapped at you, hyung…” Yoongi continued. “I was confused. I still am, but I should have asked instead of jumping to conclusions. I’m not very good with relationships.”

Jin straightened up and turned, sighing softly. “Neither am I, clearly. I’m just too much to handle, Yoongi. Even knowing my secrets… Trying to explain my reasoning, it’s… I’m scared to be misunderstood. But then I get misunderstood for not speaking up. It’s a no-win situation. I should have tried to explain my rationale, why I didn’t argue with him. But I’m just… I feel so guilty pushing all this weight onto you when you’re already dealing with so much.”

Yoongi grabbed the pack of meat in Jin’s hand and set it on the counter. He took both of his hands and stepped close to him.

“We are all dealing with a lot. Jin-hyung, you make me so happy. You did before we dated and you do even more now. Today was hard. I’ve never had to deal with such a level of disrespect, even from an elder. It stung because I could see how much it hurt you. I don’t know why you just sat there and took it, but I understand that you have your reasons. And I want you to share them with me. It’s not too much. I shouldn’t have yelled either… I want to learn, please. Open up to me?”

“Yoongi—” Jin sighed softly. He freed one hand to brush Yoongi’s hair from his face. “I want to. So bad. I just… I’m afraid once I open that gate then everything will come out.”

“Then let it. Bottling stuff up is horrible for you, trust me, me of all people knows that. If you open a floodgate, let it come out. You’ll feel better and I’ll understand more. I can handle it. I made that decision when I said yes to dating you. Now you need to make the decision.”

“What decision?”

“If you trust me enough to let me in. Let me carry some of that weight.”

“I want to.”

“Then do it.” Yoongi reached around and grabbed the meat, pushing it back into the fridge. “Let the others cook tonight. Take me to dinner. Even just a food truck. We can take a walk in the park and talk and make out like teenagers behind the trees.”

Jin laughed a little. “Yoongi…”

“Come on, doesn’t it sound like fun?” Yoongi pushed, bumping his hip against Jin’s.

“It does. But they’ll starve if I don’t cook something for them. Let me make something for them, then we can go?”

“That’s a fair compromise. Want my help?”

“I’d love that,” Jin agreed. Yoongi pulled the meat out once more and the two set to work making dinner for the group, the silence between them finally comfortable once more.

[fmdsuran]

✧ *･ﾟ HAVE YOU EVER encountered someone that looked like a goddess or a doll on the outside, but after taking the time to get to know them, you slowly begin to realize that where confidence should exist lies layers of insecurity, self-doubt, and sadness ? that, or have you ever met a person that was so fortunate and lucky in various ways, but can’t help but spiral into bouts of depression due to loneliness, and lack of genuine human connection ? have you ever listened to the iconic hit LUCKY BY BRITNEY SPEARS ? if you answered yes to all, or some, of these q’s, then you’ve already had a glimpse into the life and times of my precious princess, the stunning SEO SURAN —- lipstick’s sub rapper, sub vocal, and child actress turned idol ! if you don’t feel like reading her bio, i 100% feel you, fam, so i’ll do you a favor and provide you some fun facts below the cut that you can read up on ! what’s even better is that i’ll give you some plot ideas, too, to make plotting with me EVEN EASIER. with all that said, feel free to hit the heart in the corner to lmk if you’d like to plot with me, and if you do, i’ll love you foreva and eva ! oh, i almost forgot lmao... you all can call me ryan btw ! i’m 18+ and a self-proclaimed bad bih lol it’s nice to meet’cha 💋

B A C K S T O R Y —-

suran was born to a former screenwriter (current film/tv reviewer) and his wife, a full-time stay at home mother, in seoul, south korea. from a very young age, she was beckoned to be a critical thinker —- her friends often loathed watching cartoons with her as she’d judge them based on their animation, writing, and so on. all of them would say that she doesn’t just sit back and enjoy them because she’s been raised to ask questions and analyze creative work. however, this made her a great student when it came to school, and she developed a love for learning at a young age.

around the age of eight years old, she decided that she wanted to be an actress. after spending long hours studying how it was done by the men and women on tv, she had a hunch that she’d be able to do it with ease. then, not long after, with her father’s connections, she was able to make her acting début in a drama called ‘ballad of seodong’ —- a historical piece where she played the younger version of the drama’s main character, princess seonhwa of silla. after that, she went on to star in another drama, then after, two feature films; one of those being a main role for her!

needless to say, she was a hardworking child; one that made her mom and dad super proud. however, when her contract with the acting agency ended, she was approached by bc entertainment. they discovered a few options for her —- representing her as an actress was mentioned, but the other option they provided seemed slightly better to her. they made a deal with her that they’d give her an easy début in an idol group so she could make a bigger name for herself, and at the time, she didn’t see anything wrong with that and decided to accept, and soon after, in 2010, she became a bc trainee.

while she envisioned this to be a great time of learning and accomplishment, it was anything but —- the trainee lifestyle kind of really destroyed her. body dysmorphia tw there was constant talk about diet and beauty, and whenever she looked around her, she found that everyone else was so graceful and glamorous. she felt like she didn’t meet their standards, and she became anxious about it. she started to look in the mirror and hate her appearance. being that she wasn’t quite talented at singing and dancing, she knew that beauty and personality were going to have to be her tickets to debut, so she spent almost all the money she made as a child actress on cosmetic surgery. within the two year time span that she trained, she got her eyelids, forehead, nose, jawline, and breasts done.

bc entertainment found this brave of her, and after she’d fully recovered, they decided to take a chance on her and put her in the lineup of lipstick. they wanted to use her for visual appeal more than outward talent, and she became a spectacle; an ornament almost. she loved and hated all this attention.

a few years pass and bc helps her land her first acting gig in years, and she couldn’t be more excited. however, when it’s announced, and when it later airs, netizens began to realize that they had seen her name before, and they pulled up old photos of her as a kid in the dramas and movies she starred in. when they put two and two together and saw that she looked like a drastically different person now, they were appalled; calling her a fraud as she’s made comments in the past about natural health and beauty.

due to this, her performance in ‘discovery of love’ wasn’t regarded as anything special and she fell into a deep depression; realizing that her past insecurities only came to ruin her life in present day.

after that, she spent years in a dark depression and became disinterested in being an idol, in being in lipstick. so much pressure was put on her —- be beautiful, be thin, be effervescent on camera, be appealing to the masses... and when she couldn’t fulfill all of those, she felt hopeless; she felt like a failure. everyone seemed to hate her, and she was so regretful of all she’d done leading up to this point.

however, after a few years of suffering, bc finally guided her into another acting opportunity once negative talk of her died down to a slow simmer, and it helped rouse her from this slump for quite awhile. the filming process kept her distracted, and she loved the character she portrayed, and when it was announced to the public, they had mixed reactions. all of them wondered why they’d cast her, but when the show aired, it became a cultural phenomenon in all of korea. ‘goblin’ now sits as one of the nation’s highest rated televised dramas, and after watching her thrilling performance as the leading female role, netizens grew soft for her; their opinions completely changingh

this drastic change has been so good to her that she doesn’t even believe she deserves it. she’s grateful for it though, and would rather be seen as some sort of angel to the nation instead of a fraud. what stresses her out now though is the pressure to keep this image going. she’s terrified of what’d happen if she fell from grace again, so she’s constantly on her best behavior —- not wanting anymore scandals to ruin her.

overall, her personality is really sweet. there’s a coldness to her because she’s afraid of what people think of her initially, but once she warms up to you, she’ll be a great friend. she’s fiercely loyal and really just wants to be loved.

C O N N E C T I O N S —-

another child actress/actor who was friends with suran since they were signed under the same agency when they were little. now that they’re both idols, they’re taking it to mean that fate really wants their friendship to last forever, so they’re doing all they can to make that happen. must’ve been an active actor/actress from 2004-2010.

a person that she trained in bc with (2010-2012) that she was able to share her secrets and insecurities with, and every time she went under the knife, they were there for her. really, they would try to convince her that she was beautiful as is, but she had the worst time believing them due to her dysmorphia. however, they’re still friends to this day, and they’ll forever be confidantes.

someone who has no idea why she’s even in lipstick since she doesn’t have that much talent when it comes to singing and dancing. she doesn’t get a lot of lines in their songs, but somehow, manages to be center a lot and it infuriates them that she’s given any spotlight at all.

an ex-boyfriend of her that really didn’t give a shit about her and only really wanted her as arm candy, and once he realized she had a lot of baggage, broke up w her.

an ex-girlfriend from the rough period of her time as an idol (2014-2016) who she broke up with because she was too insecure, and felt she was undeserving of her love. they’re still lowkey soft for each other, but lord knows if they’ll get back together rip.

a current romantic interest of her’s (male preferred) who, for the first time in forever, is patient enough with her to stick around and helps her feel better about herself. however, he doesn’t want to make things official just yet and it makes her sad because she’s falling deep in love with him.

a girl who had her first lesbian/bi experience with suran that’s a bit obsessed with her because of it, but she doesn’t know how to tell them that she doesn’t feel the same way.

lots and lots of fwb plots, please! men, women, whatever... she likes sex.

someone that’s made her their muse, and often paints pictures of her, writes poetry about her, or whatever, but they’re too scared to tell her or show her what they’ve done.

a man who listed her as his ideal type, but it led to her getting backlash from his fans, so now their relationship is awkward and she’s scared to be seen in public with him lol.

a woman who she said was her ideal type as a joke, but she’s actually not joking at all and she desperately wants to get to know her better —- as friends or as fwbs or wtv.

people that help her with dancing, singing, and rapping! she’s not the worst that there is in the industry, but she still feels as though she’s lacking since she skated through training based on her looks alone. please help her tysm.

a younger man that she’s having a fwb relationship with and she loves spoiling him since he hasn’t paid off his debt from training yet, lol. make her a sugar mama pls.

really... i’m up for anything! so please let me know if none of these appeal to you so we can plot something else! love you all and thanks for reading!

[taejinchronicles]

Do you think taejin will reveal their relationship if both are not in Bangtan anymore.

Hey there ‘reveal’ anon,

Love I don’t label Taejin, but in the ‘secret boyfriends’ scenario. No, I don’t thing they will or could come out. This has nothing to do with Taejin so I will try to explain it generically.

No big name in showbiz reveals secret same sex relationships, not in music, not in Hollywood, cause there is something called a contract. For instance, when do you see two famous actors admitting they have a secret relationship? Never. But do you think no A-list actor never got involved with another actor in the history of mankind? As Sir Ian Mckellen said, half of Hollywood is gay or bi, but you don’t see these 50% coming out. There is an entire industry to hide these things from the public eye cause their image worth millions. And now BTS worth millions, they sell a dream and an image and music, but thankfully, not their private lives.

In western boy bands the LGTBQ members usually wait for over a decade to come out, after the contract is expired. Think Ricky Martin, the guy from Boyzone, the guy from NSync and the one from New Kids on the Block. So no I don’t think anyone will come out anytime soon in BTS, even tho statistically is very unlikely that there are no gay-bi members in the band, they come from a country with a different mindset about sexuality. Yes times are changing, but even I as someone who is not a Korean idol, can understand there is a rooted system of patriotic traditions and cultural behaviours in SK that Jin and Taehyung probably respect above their own need of self expression. Also even when nothing at all happens, i.e. when any of the boys is linked to a random girl, hell breaks loose and immature ‘fans’ can get very aggressive and judgemental, imagine if something like this was made public, with the obsessive fandom and their fan made ships and their emotional attachments and delusions. Not a good idea. It is highly unlikely that BH (bro BH legit said on comeback show: Taejin are NOT boyfriends, lol the level of utter fear) will allow that kind of information to leak when culturally and politically, the hetetonormative conformity is the rule.

As I said in the past, I personally wish they can be sheltered from any kind of judgmental attacks and hate. I don’t know their political goals, but I don’t think any of the BTS boys aim to be champions of a queer reformation in SK, they wanna break traditions as musicians and artists. Yes, they wanna be rebellious, yes they wanna talk about the political side of youth but not necessarily using their own private lives as medium. When you do put that part of yourself to the world being a celebrity is inevitable that you will carry the flag and the community will have some expectations. Your private life can become your political views, this is another reason why some artist prefer to focus on their art and not come out. 

I think living in the public eye and having to deal with keeping their private life private is already exhausting enough for BTS and extremely exhausting for Taehyung who wears his heart on his sleeve. I want my boys to be healthy and protected, a good separation between their public personas and their private life (or sexual orientation) should be a better way to navigate the chaos of being super famous without compromising your private relationships. Surely I’d fully support if any one of the boys wishes to come out, but I personally don’t think it will happen. 

I’m sorry if the answer is not the fluffy version of a Taejin headcanon most wanna hear, but we have to be realists and understand the social and business context the boys are in.

But on a positive note, as things are progressing, it seems like Jin and Taehyung will make a life together after enlistment and BTS. Surely they can live together as friends and life partners if they wish to, their intimate world and what they mean to each other is nobody’s business but theirs. They are friends, band members and if they choose not to marry other people, is quite a natural thing to share a house, just the two of them. This could be a way to stay in the public eye and still create a life together.

Lots of love.

[bigmoneygator]

Gonna talk about some things! That have been bothering me! Without need or hope for anyone to reply because I feel like I'm bothering everyone with how much I've been talking about it lately!!!!!!! I love golden age cinema. No, I haven't watched most of the movies in the 'canon', but the stories behind them are what get me. I'm getting real frustrated, though, with the underreporting/erasure of queer people in Hollywood at this time. Not by the studios and the fixers and the morals police of the time, but by contemporary biographers and even just the general public. I'm fully immersed into the 'You Must Remember This' podcast (I even sat through the Manson murder season because of the tidbits I could glean that weren't murder related), and I'm reading a book called 'The Whole Equation' by a gentleman named David Thomson, who is a (rather old) film professor and Hollywood historian in various publications. Karina Longworth, of the former, doesn't seem to shy away from the implications of queer stars, while I have found not one reference to anything like this in Thomson's writings in the latter - to my recollection anyway, which is shoddy at best, so maybe I missed something. So maybe the book is more focused on the entirety of Hollywood and how it came to be, so it glosses over a lot of the seedier, juicier bits about the personal lives of stars - though it does go into some detail about Jean Harlow's death by uremic poisoning (Miss Harlean Carpenter comes back into play later in this rant), but I digress. I'm also losing the point of my ire and, therefore, the entirety of this massive rant. I'm just finding out that it's an agreed upon fact that Cary Grant, born Archie Leach and having spent some time in the Village in New York City before his time in Hollywood, was a gay man who only married and had dalliances with women to keep his contract signed and uphold his end of the morals clause therein. Some perspective: I arbitrarily fell in love with Cary Grant sometime after I had confused him for Gregory Peck during high school, then confused him for Clark Gable for a time, then watched a massive stack of his movies and found my affections with the right man. I've loved Cary Grant for a decade. And I'm just. Now. Finding this information out. I'm pissed. I'm livid. And I'm not pissed to find out that he was gay or that he was suppressed (though it does make my blood boil - just on a whole other level). I'm mad because somehow this information - though widely agreed upon by most biographers - is not even mildly commonplace knowledge. I've BEEN pissed off that people see fit to reduce Montgomery Clift's sexuality down to a simple sentence: He was bisexual, like many other stars of the time. You know what? Fuck that noise. That does not begin to encompass the raging wreck that was Monty Clift. The man felt wrong and ugly inside because he loved women but didn't want to sleep with them, and he put himself through years of conversion therapy and it presumably helped spark the alcoholism and addiction that took his looks and his life. Sure, we remember him as one of Liz Taylor's 'boyfriends', but we don't remember his 14 foot medicine cabinet or the fact that he's only remembered as bisexual because he used to get piss drunk and go home with anybody that would have him, regardless of whether or not he really was bisexual. Which brings me around to my mentioning of David Thomson's book. It's dense and it's wordy and it's filled with a lot of subjective narrative about Hollywood and its history, some raw facts about grosses and contract rates. It's a good read, though, especially for someone who's just at the beginning of their journey through Golden Age cinema (it contains a lot more stuff about the actual dawn of the technicality of movies and film, plus a little more about the magic of moving pictures, and it does so in somewhat manageable chunks of metaphors between the point of the story he's trying to tell and a relevant Hollywood figure). As I mentioned earlier, Thomson goes into some detail about Jean Harlow and her upbringing and death, and mentions her marriage to Paul Bern. He mentions Bern's death. He fails to mention that Bern was quite possibly deeply in the closet. Okay, so maybe the man doesn't believe it. Then, he gets into insulting Marlon Brando quite a bit. That's okay. The man was a bear to work with, an odd duck method actor at his best and a literal destroyer of sets at middling and an actual sexual predator at worst (see: 'Last Tango In Paris'). He goes on to blame, somehow, Brando's attitude on therapy. Weird. Then I recall that in Montgomery Clift's Wikipedia article, his sexuality is compared to that of two other actors: James Dean, and Marlon Brando. I haven't done any research into Brandi's bisexuality or lack thereof, but I'm willing to bet there's some merit there. He mentions Greta Garbo, Katherine Hepburn, Kaye Francis - but fails to mention that all of these women were confirmed to be (at the very least) bisexual. He might have mentioned Katherine Hepburn's habit of wearing pants, but I don't think the man even mentioned that her first on screen kiss was WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. The first nail in the 'Whole Equation' coffin for me came in the form of two mentions of Monty in the text: one in which Thomson makes some claims that while working together, John Wayne says that he found Clift 'feeble' but tried like hell to keep up or even outpace him in their filming. Personally, this makes no sense to me, because have you ever seen young John Wayne? He's a dead ringer for Montgomery Clift at his peak. But, okay, Wayne was a hard worker and I can buy him giving the young bucks a hard time. Then, Thomson gives himself the second nail: "[...] Clift would have made [Joe, of 'Sunset Boulevard'] Gillis insidiously charming instead of a desperate scrambler. You would have wanted to save Clift (that was his trick); [William] Holden knows that Gillis is beyond salvation." (p. 250) I'm not going to bother dissecting the part of the paragraph before this quote in which Thomson paints Clift as someone solely turning down a role due to vanity and his own carefully crafted image, because for all I've learned in my time as an amateur historian, this is probably true. Stars were crafted after they were found, and studios did their best to keep stars into the molds they were poured into. I'm gonna talk about the part where Thomson seems to deride Clift for 'tricking' people into saving him. I take this quote as derision as opposed to a compliment to the actor's ability to play a role because of the overall scorn it appears Thomson has for someone who can't seem to live up to the studio's farm factory system, and because he seems to have so much scorn for Clift himself. Could it be that perhaps Clift had this knack for 'tricking' people into thinking they could save him because of his own tortured inner workings and his need for support and validation due to the turmoil he felt because of his sexuality? Maybe I'm just an asshole here because I don't have a degree in psych or film history, but I don't think it would be a stretch to consider that maybe Clift's close friendship with Elizabeth Taylor and his own film roles all contributed to trying to reach out to someone to ease his pain. And maybe - just maybe - Thomson has some kind of problem with this. (DISCLAIMER: I haven't read anything else by this author and I haven't looked into his own personal history and I don't know if he's changed his tune about all of this so I can't be sure.) So, in all of this, somehow and somewhere, what I'm trying to say is: contemporary LGBT people deserve to know their history. There's that post floating around about walking down a hall of history and finding it blank, being told it doesn't exist and that's what it's like for a queer person in this day and age. And I agree. So let's start by acknowledging that Hollywood has been filled with queer people from day one, and go from there. Okay, raging queer nerd out ✌🏻 byeeeee

[louismirage]

The Lucky One

They’ll tell you now you’re the lucky one.

~2

Guys, a quick note before you start this chapter. I don't want to spoil this chapter but i have to warn you. There's a trigger warning for a miscarriage. Please don't read if its going to trigger you.

Fame was something Louis had always wanted. He loved music and he loved to watch award shows, wondering if someday he’ll get his very own award. He wanted people out there to listen to what he had to offer. He wanted to sing, to pour his heart out into a song in front of millions of people. He thought fame was everything and that it was going to be what he had always dreamed of. That of course was before he made it, before he got into the industry after being told No so many times. He never imagined that soon he would learn just how cruel it was.

He had trusted the wrong people, and after signing what seemed like thousands of contracts, there was no going back for him.

Now laying down on his childhood bed six years later, he thought back to how it all had started. It had all started exactly like he thought he would. At the end of the day he would always go to bed with a smile on his face. And when more and more people started liking his music and his fame started growing, he had been the happiest.

Lightning illuminated his bedroom at the same time he turned over on his side, cradling his empty belly. He looked up at the clock on his bedside table, that same one he had had ever since he was fifteen years old, and looked away when he saw a picture of him and Harry. He didn’t know it would still be there, and looking at it just made him realize how stupid he had been. He had picked his dream over Harry, and it was something he would always regret. But one thing he had learned, there was no point of regretting things when he couldn’t go back in time, he could only move forward.

He regretted listening to his PR team when they told him a boyfriend would only hold him back, that in the industry, a single artist did better. It had been the hardest thing to do, but after thinking it through, his then eighteen year old selfish self thought it was for the best. He would always say it had broken his heart to break Harry’s until he had understood that the only heart that had been broken was Harry’s. He wanted to call him for months after that, but in the end he had decided it was best not to hurt him more than he had already done.

But hearing people tell him he was so lucky, talented and that he was going to make it big was enough to keep him going. He had been nothing but selfish when he decided to fully focus on his career and never ask about him to his mother. His mother would always mention him, but it was rare when Louis always changed the topic. Now he knows he should have called him.

It wasn’t long before the PR stunts started and Louis was left confused. He had always thought one made it to where they were due to their hard work and the fans, not fake relationships and fake scandals. His first PR boyfriend had been a famous actor who had been nothing but nice to him, but that didn’t take away the fact that he was lying to his fans. He was told that in order to succeed in the industry, he was going to have to make some sacrifices.

That came with sometimes not getting days off at all, and not being able to see his family in months when his first ever tour started. But to Louis, seeing his parents so proud of him and being able to give them a good life, was enough for him to keep going. The stunts were tolerable for now.

His PR stunts continued and so did his scandals, but Louis had everything he could ever ask for. When he finally made it to Madison Square Garden, it had been one of his proudest moments, but after that was over it all seem to crumble down around him.

Louis stared at the ceiling as he remembered no matter how hard he tried to do his best and succeed on his own, there was always a stunt waiting for him. He lost count of how many clubs he had to go and promote. He lost count of how many men he had been linked to, sometimes getting called a slut when he wasn’t like that. The only time he had genuinely liked someone, had been five years later since he had left Doncaster, but it had ended in disaster when he realized he wasn’t with him because he loved him. Fame came at a price, and people only wanted what little promo they could get out of Louis.

The only good thing that had come out of it was that he could help his family out and the many charities he supported. The many organizations he and his mom helped around the country. It always brought a smile to his face and it made him happy to know he was doing something good after all the bad things he had done.

He tried to get some sleep but it was impossible with the storm outside. He kicked the covers away and sat up; he wanted a drink.

There was nothing else he wanted more than some sort of alcoholic drink burning its path down his throat. That was something else he had done wrong the past six years when he had started drinking more than usual, all in attempts to ease it up a little. All he had wanted and still did was something to help him deal with the bullshit that was his life on a daily basis.

Of course he would never stop being thankful to his fans who had stuck with him through thick and thin. The ones who could always see through the bullshit surrounding him and always tried to make it better for him. The ones who had supported him when he finally made the decision of quitting. The spotlight wasn’t for him anymore. He had finally had enough when his own team couldn’t even respect a life. They hadn’t let him mourn his child’s death in peace when two days after, he was already out stunting again.

Louis was never one for relationships after he had broken up with Harry. Hooking up with someone was rare for him when he preferred to be alone, until he came along. A twenty year old singer looking for the same thing Louis had done five years before; fame. The plan was just like the many others. Use him so another person could get that shot at fame. A new PR relationship was born.

Chad quickly became more than a PR relationship for Louis when they started sleeping together after a night out. They both had been completely wasted, yet continued doing it until Chad wasn’t just a fuck anymore. He quickly became more for Louis, someone the blue eyed man adored. Someone who Louis now had a relationship with. He wasn’t in love, but he really liked him.

His unplanned pregnancy had come out of nowhere, in the middle of a PR stunt to which Louis was sure it was more than that for both parties involved. Despite his busy life and career, the bullshit surrounding him, Louis knew he wanted to keep and raise his child. He wanted a family with Chad and their baby. But five years later, Louis’ mistake finally caught up to him. He finally felt the pain of being left behind, of that someone picking fame over him and his child.

Two months into the pregnancy didn’t stop him from moving on after his very public and nasty break up. He had his parents full support and was financially stable to have a baby. He had given up the alcohol as soon as he had found out he was pregnant and things finally started looking up for him. Sometimes his throat would burn and his skin would itch when he wanted a drink, but knowing it was harmful for his baby was enough to keep him completely away from it.

He still had to work like always, never getting a break until the stress was too much for him. He barely had time to eat, much less rest during those months. Louis knew that for them, money was more important than his and his baby’s health. He had to keep his pregnancy hidden as long as he could. He had to work and get things done as fast as he could before he started showing, then he would be able to go home and rest like he had negotiated with them.

The night it happened, he was supposed to already be in bed in order to wake up early for an interview. Going back to that night, Louis wiped his tears away knowing he should have known the signs. His mother was a midwife for god’s sake. But knowing them wouldn’t have been able to stop it. He should have known that when he went to bed that night, he was in the early stages of a miscarriage.

He had had back pain, but that was normal for him when he had it daily. Then it came the abdominal pain until he was severely cramping and he could no longer get up. He had stayed curled up in that bed, crying from the pain until it was all over. All in the span of three and a half hours. Louis had counted them. That night, Louis Tomlinson had finally broken down completely.

It seemed like hours had passed before he was finally able to get up and clean up what was left. He had spent a long time in the shower sobbing until the water was too cold and his mother was desperately knocking on his door. When he opened the door, it wasn't long before he was crying again, letting his mom hold him. The ride to the hospital had been unnecessary when there was nothing left to do. He had been sent home that same night with painkillers and an aching heart.

It was still too painful for him whenever he remembered. It boiled his blood when he had been forced to stunt again two days later when he had spent those two days in bed and refusing to eat. They had promised him it would be his last when the contract was almost over. And when it was, Louis decided to quit and go home. It had caused a scandal, but he didn't care when he just wanted to go home. And now that he was, the pain was stronger than ever.

His eyes filled with tears as he dug his fingernails into the skin of his stomach. Right by his belly button where a life was supposed to be getting ready to be born. He was supposed to have a month left then he would be holding his child, a child that was no more. He filled his broken heart with alcohol until he couldn’t hold it down anymore. He filled his need to have a child with baby pictures from the internet. And it was all so wrong.

He wiped his tears away when he had already cried enough of them. When the storm finally let up, Louis fell asleep in his childhood bedroom after many years.

He was up by seven that morning, when he had been desperately looking for at least a drop of alcohol. There was nothing in his mother’s house. He went back to his bedroom and changed into jeans and a sweater, then grabbed his keys and wallet. His mother had let him stay with the condition that he wasn’t going to bring any alcoholic drink into the house, but Louis needed something to help him soothe the pain. Painkillers weren’t enough anymore. Louis needed them and more alcohol, maybe mixing them up would help erase his pain.

He sneaked out of the house into the garage and opened the door to go to his car he had left parked outside. When he walked out he looked up and stopped in his tracks when he saw them. He knew Harry had moved on and that he had a child. The day he found out he had cried, but he had felt so much better now that he knew Harry was happy. Now he knew the tragedy that had happened, and he wanted to come see Harry but hadn’t done so when his mother told him it wasn’t a good idea.

He watched him give the small baby to his mother before he took her back and hugged her tight. Louis felt an ache on his chest when he was never going to get to hold his own child as tight as Harry was holding his own now. He startled when Harry finally looked up and made eye contact with him, even though Louis’ eyes went back to the child. She was the most beautiful baby Louis had ever seen.

Harry was fast to get in his car and drive away while Anne gave Louis a smile and went inside with the baby. Louis could hear her babbling to her grandmother all the way to the front door before Anne went inside. After many years of people telling Louis he was the lucky one, he now wondered who really was the lucky one.

Louis got in his car and drove away to the nearest liquor store. An hour and a half later he was back in his bedroom with a bottle of whiskey in his hold. He was laying on the floor right next to his bed cradling the almost empty bottle like a baby as he cried. He cried for having being so stupid, for wanting to be famous. He cried for having being so stupid and leave Harry the way he had done. He cried for his baby. He cried when he realized he had nothing good in life. He cried harder when his mother walked in and took the bottle away before laying down on the floor with him to hold him like a baby. Just like Louis would have loved to hold his baby.

After many years of people telling Louis he was the lucky one, he now knew he never was and would never be.