#i full on sobbed when they got a special christmas from the community

[cainfm]

『BILL SKARSGARD ❙ NONBINARY』 ⟿ looks like CAIN ROMANOV is here for THEIR SENIOR year as a LITERATURE student. THEY are 25 years old & known to be RIGHTEOUS, TRUE, EVASIVE & GUARDED. They’re living in MORIS, so if you’re there, watch out for them. ⬳ JAMES. 21. EST. SHE/THEY.

hdsjnf hello all ... it is james again ... here with another ... replacing noelle with cain bt it’s fine im fine. i’ve hit muse limit u wn’t hear frm me again ... so hit tht like button .. this isnt the best intro ive done bt mostly bc im just kinda like ... taking an old one n rewriting it as i go

TW CULTS, HEROIN USE / ADDICTION, DRUG ADDICTION / USE, ABUSE, PSYCHOLOGICAL / EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION, PTSD, ANXIETY, TRAUMA.

aesthetics.

dangling limbs from tree branches, yellowed book pages, opened bottles of vintage wine, oversized sweaters and deep under eyes, bleached denim, worn leather gloves, cat hair against black cloth, fields of wheat, broken windows, descending staircases, tight-lipped smiles during public appearances, golden skies, light spilling from windows, stumbling over one’s own words, wire-framed beds, linens, wool scarves, making the wrong decisions; running, from others and yourself.

basic info.

full name: cain alexei romanov

nickname(s): n/a

b.o.d. - feb 19th, pisces :) happy birthday!

label(s): the connard (previously), the escapist, the facade, the fallen, the lothario (previously), the pariah, the phoenix, the puppeteer (previously), the sybarite, etc.

height: 6′4″ ... bruv.

hometown: stratford, connecticut

sexuality: bisexual uwu?

pinterest

stats

inspired by: i feel like i did ... have an inspiration for him but i don’t ... remember ... so ur not getting this one ... i might edit this later if smth pops into my head but. alas.

biography.

born to connecticut senator vaughn romanov and well known philanthropist adelaide romanov, they were born into a life of privilege in a very prominent new england family. they’re the eldest of five in a very nuclear, picture perfect, preppy chic family.

was brought up to be a class a, outstanding, perfect citizen. golden child to the all american family (willfully ignoring the fact that his father came from russian immigrants). cain listened, obeyed, never strayed outside the lines.

it was always intended for cain to take on after their father, to follow in his footsteps and become a politician too. there were several expectations for them, including joining model un, debate, deca, splitting time between soccer, track, basketball, lacrosse, becoming class president, and all while maintaining a valedictorian - worthy gpa.

even volunteered on the weekends at homeless shelters and food banks, proving to everybody in their community just how much of a gem they were, darling, perfect member of society.

always eager as a child, eager for approval, eager to impress and wow and dazzle authorities and adults alike - cain never really had a problem with any of it? always attended church on sundays and sometimes even wednesdays. participated in family dinners and christmas photoshoots and new years eve parties, easter egg hunts and family reunions.

born and raised in stratford, super close to lovell to the point where it’d always been expected that the romanov children would simply just go to radcliffe, as did their parents. their home in stratford is a big, fancy, seven bedroom eight bath house with two fireplaces and an expansive dining room. no pool, but a sturdy treehouse made by scratch.

however. their model citizen persona was just that, a persona - a charade. in the community and to his family, cain was a hardworking citizen who upheld standards, a leader. to classmates and peers, from elementary to college - cain was the devil themself.

arrogant, harrowing, an outright bully who tore down others when they felt like it, often unprovoked. they were the senator’s son, and a rich one at that - rules never applying because they simply never existed for them, the upmost privilege because of who their family happened to be and their place in society. tattlers of their behavior faced far more consequence than cain ever did, or would.

the sort of person who’d genuinely look down at someone if they had less than them - a narcissistic dickhead who cared about two or three people, tops, outside of their family. was never physically violent, nor did they raise their voice, but that’s what made them all the worse. made them all the scarier. spewed classist bullshit with ease and was addicted to the power high it gave them.

their only redeeming quality was their protectiveness over their family - never the best person, but family is family, and they thought it ought’d to be protected.

went into political science and business to please their father, mainly, every step they made - every path cain went down, every choice from the electives they took in high school to the brand of shoes they wore, was to build them into the ideal presidential candidate.

probably joined a frat though cain never participated in parties too often, known for keeping their composure even when others resorted to violence, or got too drunk, or caused any public commotion, because they didn’t like to leave a bad image for the press. did their drugs in private but left nothing to the imagination, publicly.

but alas. during college, two very important series of events occurred.

seeking thrills, searching for fun in all the wrong places - cain became a middle-man between dealers and producers. never dealt it, and never produced it, but simply transported it between one another; the less everybody knew about each other the better. it was always a very hushed operation. one that they could’ve profited much off of, though money was never the motive for them.

and then he met earl and may meyers, fellow volunteers at a thanksgiving food drive; an older couple immediately drawn to cain, reasonable considering just who their father was, and cain to them. they can’t tell you what about the couple was so appealing - the air around them was something else entirely; some called it unhinged, others would call it comforting. but they were kind folks, down to earth - very religious, and very warmhearted. liked his name, a lot - like in the bible, they’d say, and laugh, and pat his arm. they would say, on occasion, that they reminded them of their late son.

it’d happened towards the end of their junior year, a few years after they’d gotten involved in the drug business - and the meyers were volunteering more and more, always at the same places as cain. the same times, too, as if they were learning his schedule. in retrospect - it was odd, but cain’d never suspected a thing. they kept talking, and it became a genuine friendship - a secured vote in the next election.

it only took a few months into this that they’d begun to talk about religion more. the sin of wealth, and god choosing only a select few when he cleanses the earth. only the worthiest souls. they’d eventually get into the rhythm of telling cain they were special - that they could see they’d be selected, see it in their aura, in their dreams, god sending them messages, etc. most would find it to be absolutely ... bonkers.

but it was oddly appealing to cain - like, maybe i am being constrained by capitalism. maybe i am disappointing god - aren’t i a devoted follower? it felt nearly ridiculous, but it seeped into their mind. psychological manipulation, lasting over months and cain unsuspecting. as if they could ever be the one manipulated. but the meyers could ask cain to jump, and they’d simply say - how high?

soon enough, earl and may told them that they were moving. that there’d been so many more like them and that it was time to join them, time to prepare - to get ready for the rapture. cain held off at first, finishing up their first term of their senior year and their life planned right before their eyes. everything they’d ever worked for. their loyal companions and close-knit family, their side-business that’d only gotten stronger - a long-term girlfriend and the engagement ring that burnt in their pocket, made their heart beat twice as fast at the very thought. still the same as before, cruel without a cause, but still surrounded by those who loved them - who could find something in them to love.

but a month into their senior year, cain had a sudden change of heart. they were ready, now, if not now then never later. all because of a third event. a surprise. a shock. a betrayal.

they had discovered that they were not their father’s child - not at all, not even by an inch. they were someone else’s, completely. their mother had broken down and cracked, after a particularly straining christmas party. the discussion was long, and the heartbreak only grew. the anger only grew. the hurt - it grew. more and more, with each pitiful sob their mother gave them. it was a mistake - a one night stand in a fit of petty anger in the very early stages of their marriage. and only cain knew - like they had to carry this weight, now, that they never asked to have.

it was the kind of information that broke a person. cain idolized their parents, done everything they’d ever asked - ever expected, and beyond, let them mold them like putty into whatever form they wanted. only to find out that in the end, it didn’t matter. it never mattered, if cain wasn’t the blood child of vaughn. if their mother - a woman who hadn’t a bad bone in her body, was nothing but a cheat and a liar.

cain unraveled.

they spent the first week getting into an altercation with near anybody who looked at them wrong. physical, usually - though arguments arose frequently as well. with no explanation, only thrown fists - often drunk, or high, or sober too - it never mattered. they spent a night in county jail, it’d gotten so bad. it seemed to have no end.

right until new years, just after midnight, when cain had disappeared without a word. it was treated like a missing persons case, though there was no evidence of foul play or kidnapping, and not much could be done about it.

BEGINNING OF CULT / DRUG / MOST OF THE TRIGGER WARNINGS

the only people who knew of cain’s whereabouts were the meyers - because they had left together. a last minute decision that, if they had only waited a simple minute longer, would’ve never happened. a mistake they desperately wished they could take back. a mistake that led to another event - maybe the most important one of them all.

they’d gone only hours away from stratford, and lovell, the border between new york and connecticut and not as far as cain had initially thought, but deep, deep into the woods. that was where the cult’d been. they wore white linens and cotton, but never mixed. technology banned, prayers and daily chores. it was natural, at first. for the first three months, that was.

it could’ve been grand. it was peaceful, and mind-clearing, and they treated cain as if their birth was a sign from the angels. cain come to undo his past. a potential leader. but the longer they stayed, the more apparent it became that they weren’t all that the cult had wanted, so desperately, to believe. once they began to slip up, once members became displeased - that’s when the punishments began to occur.

sometimes once a week, but sometimes - and, later, much more so, multiple. the memories are suppressed, for the most part - but there are some things they simply can’t - the hands, they can’t forget. pulling, and tugging, and gripping - begging, asking him to repent, please, repent. their head held underwater, counting seconds until their vision’d eventually darken and go out, only to be pulled out gasping and sobbing. these memories stay - these memories repeat themselves, like a record stuck on repeat, days blurring into one another.

when they tried to fight back - they were subdued. heroin was the first step. little by little, everyday - enough to leave them in a high they wouldn’t remember; enough to burn a hole in their memory. and with these dimming memories, cain’d begin to sneak paper and pencil into their living arrangement, their room, writing everyday. wrote as much as they could remember from home - about their family, their life before it all - the people they loved. they couldn’t remember what they’d written, some days.

and when those notes were found, bound by thread taken from their own clothing to form a shabby book - that’d been the final straw. dragged, kicking and screaming - mind-numbingly high, into place. the twisted reenactment, retelling of cain’s demise. how exactly he’d gotten his scar. it would’ve been near perfect, if they had only stayed still and let them brand the mark into his forehead. but instead - they settled, eventually, for the chest. then - the left cain to die in the middle of the woods. in the middle of nowhere. no trails or campsites to follow, nothing at all. nothing but trees. nothing but his notes and the clothes on their back. they hadn’t even known what day it was - almost forgotten the year, too.

cain should’ve died there, but cain got up. and they ran. and ran. and ran. until they hit something, eventually. a road. it’d been pure luck that they’d found a car near immediately afterwards, whose driver wasn’t doubling as a murderer, who took them to the hospital - and who gave cain that chance to live. they were found on new years, a full cycle - a full year in the cult that’d changed their life.

END OF CULT / DRUG / MOST OF THE TRIGGER WARNINGS. PROCEED WITH CAUTION. STILL MENTIONS OF TRAUMA / MENTAL HEALTH / RECOVERY / ADDICTION BEYOND THIS POINT.

after being reunited with their family in the hospital - everything went by very fast. they couldn’t recognize their youngest sibling, but they also couldn’t remember why they’d left in the first place. couldn’t remember the name of their girlfriend, but the color of her hair and the way she smelled. they couldn’t give answers to their actions.

and after being put into therapy and recovery for their addiction - that’s when they find out that their father’s a presidential candidate, that they had been - that they used cain’s disappearance as a story for the press, one to garner votes. their return is national news, and their public opinion skyrockets. it’s supposed to be glorious, and a miracle, a blessing - but cain feels restrained. confined to the role they’d always been expected to play - expected to get up and continue with their life, as if nothing had happened. 

but nothing didn’t happen - everything happened, and cain’s different now, vastly so - no longer who they thought they were. they change their major to literature, abandon politics. they get some cats, start working at the library, and they put on some leather gloves - their method of staying away, of keeping a comfortable distance. they are different, now, and simply only wish to focus on their recovery.

personality.

they’re no longer who they once were. a year of trauma does things to a person - and with memory loss that weighs heavy on their mind, they are near completely different. they remember parts of their old personality, their old lifestyle - enough to know they want to be better. they’re convinced that it’s karma, what happened to them. for being who they were - acting the way they did. just ... a bunch of self-blame.

even with the massive ego, cain’s always been a quiet person. but now - now cain’s even quieter. kinder, if not a little sarcastic, like a relic from the past. they’re distant - but it’s one of fear, restrictive and tense - not one made out of their own comfort. 

smokes medical marijuana but rarely drinks ... as if that’d make a difference. in an effort to beat their heroin addiction, they’ve turned to prescriptions instead.

like i mentioned ... cain has four cats. it’s basically their entire personality. two of them were from before their disappearance, but two are new to their little (school-approved) family. there is: frank (big chungus when yelled. white and gray), brock (orange. fluffy. stoic. devours food), shoelace (black furred, missing an eye and half an ear), and crunchwrap supreme (crunch for short. calico with bent ears). yes, they have photos of their cats in their wallet.

cain’s memory is fucked - like, really fucked. they forget a lot of things. short term, long term. it’s a constant struggle. they managed to keep their notes from the cult, so those help - but not always. they forget dates and names and faces and events. sometimes they wake up and don’t know where they are. they don’t sleep often, anyways. with the trauma came night terrors, and in an attempt to avoid them they don’t ... sleep often. only a few hours a night if they can withstand it, because it’s frankly terrible.

they suffer from severe touch aversion. skin contact with anybody, of any sort, is enough to send cain into a full-blown panic attack. they were leather gloves more often than not in an attempt to combat this disadvantage, without hindering their dexterity too much. even with clothes, they’re not the biggest fan of physical contact. it won’t send him into a panic attack, but they visibly flinch away. they’re very clear from the get-go, if someone is too close to them, that they don’t like physical contact.

dealing with ptsd and attends therapy every week. their therapist recommended that they keep writing their notes, after reviewing them himself, so cain does. they keep an entire journal where they write, and sketch a little, because it helps them cope and de-stress. it means a lot to them, actually.

also dealing with ptsd and attends therapy every week - therapist recommended he kept writing after looking at his notes - so he does, keeps an entire journal where they write and like … sketch a little, because it helps them cope. means more to them than it would seem. but, unfortunately, part of their coping involves getting far too involved in their own mini-investigation of the cult they’d been part of. when the cult was tracked back to where cain’d been brought, they were already gone - and cain wants to know where. wants to know how to find them. wants justice, vengeance. wants nobody else to get hurt from them.

pretty blunt ... won’t go out of their way to announce that hey, they were part of a cult, and that’s why they’re gone and that’s why that’s the way they are now - but they also won’t lie about it, if the topic comes up in conversation. they don’t like delusions, don’t like secrets, nor do they like unnecessary attention.

being at radcliffe makes cain anxious because - well, they’re surrounded by people they’ve been doing wrong by for years now and they can’t even remember which ones. who, what, when, why - distant memories, if they’re even there at all. is constantly trying to figure out how to redeem themselves. they’d leave, if it hadn’t been their parents’ assistance that they stay there. so that someone always has an eye on them. 

but like ...they screwed over a lot of people when they left. from plugs / customers to their ex-girlfriend, who they are, undeniably, still in love with (you can’t forget that feeling) - to their friends. like. everybody, pretty much KBJNSDFKSNLD

is often pretty high ... i’d say it’s just the medical weed but. alas :/ take a guess :/

hates cars & swimming & crowds. hates feeling trapped and will avoid it whenever possible. doesn’t want to be seen as unsociable, but it’s difficult. 

they ... have a tendency to run away when they’re overwhelmed. likes to climb trees because they’re tall enough to. there’s a tree outside of their window that they climb out to frequently, even though it’s like a ~safety hazard~ or whatever. just really likes to hide out. 

used to be in perkins when they last attended radcliffe, but they gave their spot to someone else and that was like - 100% fine w/ cain tbh. lives alone in moris now.

feels the need to redeem themself ... to like, everybody. like, they want to avoid conflict and be a better person, but it’s hard, and they don’t necessarily like confrontation either - and not everybody believes that cain’s changed. it wouldn’t be surprising if people were suspicious of cain, for whatever reason, because they don’t ... really have the best track record anymore.

developed a stutter as one of the results from their trauma. their voice is damaged from screaming and they’re self-conscious about it, but they’re working on it because there’s more important things to worry about. in general, cain looks ... gaunt, too thin, and generally sickly.

repeating senior year ... fr obvious reasons ... and probably won’t graduate anytime soon because they’ve changed their major so late.

can still hold a conversation & they’re not really afraid of socialization. it just takes a toll on them. they’re pretty lowkey, as a person. soft, sorta. quiet but they won’t be an asshole (on purpose). they like people! just. very low energy.

so like ... tldr ... not an asshole anymore ... dealing with a lot of trauma ... trying to be a good person ... yes ...

wanted connections.

locals... people they’ve grown up with their entire life. people they’ve wronged, people who idolized him, envied him, despised him, etc. 

enemies... would love for a bunch of these just. a hoard of people who fucking hate cain. because it fits the bill. they could’ve bullied them, or wronged them, whatever. anything works. let’s make it happen.

exes... that they’ve dumped... old hookups, ex-friends, people they got into an argument with or fought before they disappeared last year...

ex girlfriend... that connection wld b rly neat!! i have it up as a wc rn but we can take that down ... will be holding intense american idol - esque auditions. remember that cain ws a fckn classist pig and probably only dated people who were also rich with influential families. (unless u present a very good case to me ... then maybe ... perhaps ...)

family friends... family rivals... people he knows mostly thru their family.

redeemable... people they’re trying to redeem themself to... trying to prove their worth, and that they’re a better person now, etc. etc.

old clients... :) angry clients. that they left in the dust.

perkins... people he knew from perkins ... old pals or maybe enemies idk he was pretty insufferable ... people he used to go to fancy parties with sometimes ...

angery... people so so so so fucking pissed at cain, for whatever reason.

reconciliation... reconnecting... used to be friends and we can be friends again :) and i will be better this time! i’m a slut for slowburns, especially slowburn friendships ... enemies to friends ... now THAT is sexy.

victims... of bullying ... :/ of their bullying specifically.

sof...t... wholesome content ... nothing but soft, understanding friendships ... or developing friendships ... make them feel welcomed again... forgive them...

an..g.st... friends to enemies. enemies to bigger enemies. miscommunication. betrayal. whatever u want.

no hookups!!! ... please only previous encounters. nothing in the present. because it just wldn’t make sense.

unless... eyes emoji. H DSJLFJKS just kidding! i’d accept MAYBE some kind of sexual tension but like ... the sort that hurts, because it just Cannot Happen (i will not let it happen). or maybe a fun, casual sexting thing but like. nothing physical. pleasthe.

fuck politics!... mayhaps, they hate mr. romanov and his politics or smth. he’s probably corrupt in some way, so! go at it!

aggression... i feel like a lot of the conversations between cain n other ppl start out rly ... angry bc theyre Mad. at them.

ok it’s bed time please plot with me. 

[thewritingstar]

Ah well were all at home better ask all 200 questions g, don't really know much about u

200 QUESTIONS???? ALRIGHT HERE YA GO. 

hope you enjoy me spending an hour answering all of these :) 

200: My crush’s name is: N/A 199: I was born in: 2000 198: I am really: nice 197: My cellphone company is: idk 196: My eye color is: Hazel, can turn dark brown or light green sometimes 195: My shoe size is: 8 194: My ring size is: 7 I think 193: My height is: 5′3 192: I am allergic to: penicillin  191: My 1st car was: Toyota  190: My 1st job was: Baskin Robbins  189: Last book you read: Suicide Notes (highly recommend)  188: My bed is: galaxy bedding and is currently on the floor in my bed fram cause my friends broke it... 187: My pet: Black cockapoo and a white cockapoo named Abby and Molly 186: My best friend: is a hoe 185: My favorite shampoo is: herbal essence color me happy  184: Xbox or ps3: I perfer Wii, Wii U or Nintendo switch  183: Piggy banks are: cute, Mine is a ducktales cup  182: In my pockets: nothing rn 181: On my calendar: nothing rn 180: Marriage is: a good thing but not a necessity for a happy life 179: Spongebob can: get it  178: My mom: is a queen  177: The last three songs I bought were? i only buy cds for my car so: Lover, Hozier, Blink 182 176: Last YouTube video watched: The Office deleted scenes 175: How many cousins do you have? 8 but I only see four of them and two of them are adults with kids so i consider them more of aunt and uncle figures 174: Do you have any siblings? One older sister  173: Are your parents divorced? Nope  172: Are you taller than your mom? Nope 171: Do you play an instrument? Nope 170: What did you do yesterday? Sat on ass and watched youtube 

[ I Believe In ] 169: Love at first sight: ye why not 168: Luck: yes  167: Fate: yes 166: Yourself: kinda 165: Aliens: yes 164: Heaven: mmmm yes i guess 163: Hell: yes 162: God: uhhhhh yes and no, kinda indifferent 161: Horoscopes: yep 160: Soul mates: yesss 159: Ghosts: ye 158: Gay Marriage: WHO THE FUCK DOESNT BELIEVE IN THISS?? ITS REAL  157: War: think it does more harm than good 156: Orbs: ye 155: Magic: ye i wanna be a wizard 

[ This or That ] 154: Hugs or Kisses: hugs 153: Drunk or High: drunk, i dont do drugs and i dont drink yet but ill prob get drunk  152: Phone or Online: oo i use both but Online i guess 151: Red heads or Black haired: Black hair 150: Blondes or Brunettes: Brunettes 149: Hot or cold: HOT 148: Summer or winter: Summer 147: Autumn or Spring: Both 146: Chocolate or vanilla: Vanilla  145: Night or Day: Day 144: Oranges or Apples: Oranges 143: Curly or Straight hair: I have straight hair but curly hair is also beautiful 142: McDonalds or Burger King: BURGER KING..I HATE MCDONALDS 141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: MILK 140: Mac or PC: Pc 139: Flip flops or high heals:...High heels prob 138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: SWEET AND POOR, IM ALREADY UGLY 137: Coke or Pepsi: NEITHER 136: Hillary or Obama: obama  135: Burried or cremated: cremated 134: Singing or Dancing: love both but maybe dancing rn 133: Coach or Chanel: Coach  132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: idk who they are 131: Small town or Big city: Big city, i grew up in a small town 130: Wal-Mart or Target: TARGET 129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: Adam 128: Manicure or Pedicure: Mani 127: East Coast or West Coast: West Coast 126: Your Birthday or Christmas: Christmas  125: Chocolate or Flowers: Chocolate 124: Disney or Six Flags: DISNEY  123: Yankees or Red Sox: eww sports 

[ Here’s What I Think About ] 122: War:....does more harm than good  121: George Bush:....dont know enough to say but im pretty sure he was an awful human  120: Gay Marriage: It should just be called marriage, just because you’re gay doesnt make it any less or any more, its equal to other marriages  119: The presidential election: 118: Abortion: Pro Choice, no one has the right to tell someone what to do with their body 117: MySpace: i never used it cause i was too young but i bet it was lit 116: Reality TV: its funny af  115: Parents: are nice if they care about their child but if they are abusive or horrible then they dont deserve respect  114: Back stabbers: should be stabbed  113: Ebay: its nice  112: Facebook: full of idiots and boomers  111: Work: a scam  110: My Neighbors: they fine 109: Gas Prices: A SCAM 108: Designer Clothes: a nice but really $200 for socks, no mama 107: College: SHOULD BE FREE 106: Sports: fun but no one needs to make that much money for throwing a ball 105: My family: i like them 104: The future: is wild and idk at this point 

[ Last time I ] 103: Hugged someone: my mom like a few days ago 102: Last time you ate: at 11 today! 101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile:  100: Cried in front of someone: my mom after i yelled at her 99: Went to a movie theater: i saw Onward when we were allowed outside 98: Took a vacation: went to disneyland last October  97: Swam in a pool: like almost two years sadly  96: Changed a diaper: when i was like 8  95: Got my nails done: never got them done because my mom wouldnt take me cause i was a ‘tom boy’  94: Went to a wedding: never  93: Broke a bone: when i was three, my big toe 92: Got a piercing: my nose in January  91: Broke the law: i guess i sped the other day  90: Texted: literally as im doing this 

[ MISC ] 89: Who makes you laugh the most: my friend 88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: the silence of being alone 87: The last movie I saw: Princess and the Frog 86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: Moving for college 85: The thing im not looking forward to:  84: People call me: Deanna (real name), Dean, Star (what yall call me) ton of others 83: The most difficult thing to do is: idk  82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: never 81: My zodiac sign is: Aries 80: The first person i talked to today was:  79: First time you had a crush: Ive had  78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: my best friends 77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: my friends over ft  76: Right now I am talking to: no one 75: What are you going to do when you grow up: hopefully being an animator  74: I have/will get a job: at disney  73: Tomorrow: doing nothing 72: Today: doing nothing  71: Next Summer: hopefully not on quarantine  70: Next Weekend: nothing special  69: I have these pets: 2 doggos 68: The worst sound in the world: ICE SCRAPING OR MOUTH BREATHING 67: The person that makes me cry the most is:  66: People that make you happy: my friends 65: Last time I cried: few days ago  64: My friends are: my world 63: My computer is: a Dell  62: My School: is a community college  61: My Car: it goes 60: I lose all respect for people who: are bigots, dehumanize people, republicans  59: The movie I cried at was: Onward had me sobbing  58: Your hair color is: Brown rn 57: TV shows you watch: theres too many 56: Favorite web site: tumblr or youtube 55: Your dream vacation: every disney park  54: The worst pain I was ever in was: i think when i cut my finger or when i went to the hospital for my chest  53: How do you like your steak cooked: Medium rare  52: My room is: disney themed and my safe zone 51: My favorite celebrity is: Tara Strong  50: Where would you like to be: Disneyland 49: Do you want children: ehh maybe  48: Ever been in love: nope 47: Who’s your best friend: my neighbor that ive known since i was 4 46: More guy friends or girl friends: more girl 45: One thing that makes you feel great is: making cake  44: One person that you wish you could see right now: my cousin 43: Do you have a 5 year plan: not really  42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: ye 41: Have you pre-named your children: kinda 40: Last person I got mad at: my mom 39: I would like to move to: La 38: I wish I was a professional: animator

[ My Favorites ] 37: Candy: Kitkat 36: Vehicle: Cars 35: President: 34: State visited: California, Nevada, Texas, Hawaii,  33: Cellphone provider: 32: Athlete: n/a 31: Actor: Colin O'Donoghue 30: Actress: Lana Parrilla 29: Singer: Joe Jonas, Taylor Swift  28: Band: Big Time Rush 27: Clothing store: Hot topic, Ross,  26: Grocery store: Safeway  25: TV show: Once Upon A Time or PPG  24: Movie: Princess and the Frog and Ratatouille  23: Website: tumblr  22: Animal: elephant  21: Theme park: disneyland  20: Holiday: Halloween  19: Sport to watch: hockey  18: Sport to play:..i do not play  17: Magazine: i dont read mags  16: Book: Kingdom Keepers  15: Day of the week: Friday  14: Beach: one i went to in Hawaii  13: Concert attended: Jonas Brothers  12: Thing to cook: chowmein and strawberry shortcake  11: Food: Chowmein  10: Restaurant: my fav Chinese restaurant  9: Radio station: I don’t listen to the radio  8: Yankee candle scent: Vanilla  7: Perfume: Vanilla  6: Flower: Rose or Larkspur  5: Color: Black or blue  4: Talk show host: umm i dont watch many but i guess Jimmy Fallon  3: Comedian: Jaboukie Young-White or John Mulaney  2: Dog breed: Pomeranian  1: Did you answer all these truthfully? ye 

[veoakes3]

Unlacing at The Foot

“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.” Luke 15:20

This is a long one, y’all. There’s been a lot happening in this heart over the past 48 hours.

Did you know I like to run? Did you know I run a LOT of races?

Kudos to you, if you didn’t. It means you don’t spend much time on social media, because there is NO WAY you would have missed those facts about me if you did.

Isn’t it funny how The Lord often brings things full-circle?

Three years ago TODAY, I set out with a goal to run a mile without stopping. At the time, I couldn’t run for more than thirty seconds without grabbing my side and gasping for air. I downloaded the Couch to 5k app and vowed to stick to it. I did, and until Week 6, I thought I was going to die. I panicked every time they upped the time spent running vs. walking. I stuck with it though, because I don’t break promises to myself. It’s a rule. 

On New Years Day, I did what I thought to be a never-going-to-happen dream: I ran a 5k distance without stopping. The next week at school, Mollie invited me to run with a group of girls, which was the beginning of the beautiful friendships with my Jasper tribe. 

A week later, Aly, Erin, and I began training for our first half marathon. I’m 100% sure that what made me love running was not actual running. My mind associates running and training with the sweetest memories with these girls, whom I had no idea would turn into my forever friends.

Through running, I also learned self-love.

You see, another reason I began this journey was so that I could learn to love me again. In my mind, there was nothing special about me anymore. I felt bland, boring, and so vanilla. I felt like I had nothing to offer back to the world I was constantly taking from. I hated my body, because it was no longer that size 2, muscle house it was in high school. I felt stuck in my routine, and, worse, I could feel myself withdrawing into my hiding place where no one could get to me… not even Brock. 

All that being said, you can imagine what healing was brought into my life through these runs. I fell in love with how healthy, capable, and strong my body is. I was proud of what I had worked hard to accomplish, and I learned how driven and dedicated I am. I learned how important it is to take care of me, so that I can pour into others.

I learned that I COULD pour into others.

These runs and relationships also brought healing in an unexpected way. I was an angry child and teen. I was so lost, and I was so outdone with the lack of stability and control I had over my life while growing up. Even as I started growing away from the anger and into my own person with age, I had people who I loved keep speaking those past attributes into my life, “You were so mean. Yes, you were…and angry… and disrespectful… and stubborn… and selfish.” I remember crying, thinking I had no chance in being the woman I wanted to be, because I would always be labeled by how I reacted while growing up in chaos, without Jesus might I add. I had accepted it and put my armor on, so no one could hurt me anymore.

Brock had tried so hard to take that armor off. He did at times, but he was literally the first person aside from my grandfather and mother to ever openly express the potential he saw in the new me. I was convinced it was just a matter of time before he changed his mind. 

Then, these women in Jasper started saying the same thing. They saw me as this woman I so desperately wanted to be, and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that wasn’t the real me. 

Then, other people from my school, our church, our community started saying the same things. I remember panicking on my birthday when so many people commented on my Facebook wall with “Sweet Jenna!” I thought, “Oh, no. They’re going to find out. They’re going to find out I’m not sweet and loving. I’m such a snake. How do I have so many people fooled? They’re going to turn on me when they find out…”

Do you know what? They didn’t. Do you know why? They had no reason to turn. This WAS the real me. These people had no idea what my past was like. They saw me for who I was in that moment, and they saw a kind, loving, SWEET woman who always smiled and is a hard worker and a loyal friend. I peeled the armor off for them. 

So to loop back- my heart associates running with the sweetest healing, memories, and love-tank filling moments of my adult life. And what do you know…the more you practice, the easier and more therapeutic actual running gets!

Then, we moved to Huntsville.

Our first year in Huntsville, I mourned leaving my school, my church, and most importantly, my tribe. I didn’t have those kind of friendships up here, yet. It also turned out to be the most horrific year of my adult life due to, well...life, to date. 

So what did I do? I ran. It was my coping mechanism. I still got a level of endorphin boost from it, but it also made me very sad. I missed my Jasper girls, and running alone when I needed to pour my heart out day after day didn’t help. Brock was absolutely wonderful and my unwavering backbone that year, but I still desperately missed my tribe of women.

After making it out of the other side of the fire, I decided to work toward something that brought me joy and would make me fall in love with running itself. I planned to chase after the crazy goal I had set for myself two years prior- to run a half marathon every month, September-May. I was laser-focused, and set out with a side grin and a new level of motivation. It was terrifying.

I finished September…October…November…December.  “Look at what I’m doing! This is crazy! Wow!”

January…February…March…April… (Check…check…check…check…)

Then came May, when I ran my first full marathon. “VIRGINIA ELYSE OAKES…YOU BEAST, YOU! LOOK AT WHAT YOU CAN DO!”

I was elated. I did the unthinkable.I had always said I wanted to run a full, just to say I had done one, but I never actually thought I would.

BUT I did it.

I completely crushed the 9-month goal I set for myself. My goal was over. The new plan was to run no more than 3-5 miles for the rest of the year.

But I got antsy. So of course, I signed up for another marathon in December.

And another half marathon in October.

And I started training again… the week school started back.

I started out strong. Then, the weekday runs started slipping. Then, the long, weekend runs started becoming bi-weekly runs. I was getting very burned out with HAVING to run. It was becoming a chore. I could do it though. Not much longer…then, I’ll rest. (Sound familiar?)

Two weeks ago, I somehow cranked out a 16-miler.

This past Saturday, I had a 20-miler.

I stopped back at my car (which is also my house) at mile 10 to refill my water bottle. I remember feeling frustrated, because I really just wanted to soak in the bath and read…possibly take a nap before my dinner plans. I didn’t have time for all of it. 

Then, I got angry. 

I was angry that what I loved felt like an obligation. 

So I stopped and did all of the other things I wanted to do.

That night, I brought it up to Gabby. I was toying with the idea of still doing the marathon, because I knew my body could make that milage, I paid for it, I’ve finished 16 miles, I wanted one more marathon medal on my 26.2 hook, my time was not where I wanted it in May, and I DON’T BREAK PROMISES TO MYSELF. 

She lovingly kept responding to these concerns with, “…and? …so? ….I promise you won’t care this much after some time…You know people live fulfilled lives without running marathons, right?… You are risking injury, because you aren’t properly trained for it….This is not Flying Pig. It is NOT going to be magical and wonderful like it was in May.”

So much rationality… that’s why she’s one of my wisdom friends. 

But my heart didn’t want to hear the rational.

I will say the last notion stuck though. I kept turning it over in my mind, because May was magical, and I didn’t want to leave that distance with a sour taste and a disdain for running.

Next, I brought it up to my Japser tribe. We were video chatting Sunday morning, and I told them what Gabby said. They agreed with everything and love her even more than they already did for loving me enough to speak the truth I didn’t want to hear.

As I was walking to the front of the house, replaying what they were all saying in my head, I was still thinking, “I have to do this! I can’t not go through with it. I don’t do that. I don’t break promises to myself, and I run the races!”

Then I heard it… the still, small voice. “This has become an idol, beloved. Your greatest level of fulfillment no longer comes from Me.”

I stopped dead in my tracks in the kitchen. I dropped my purse on the floor with a “thud”. I sat on my window seat, and told them what I had just felt in my heart. I tried to make light of it, but my heart was broken in the deepest way. I sobbed. We’re talking re-do the makeup and wait to go to Walmart, because your eyes are so bloodshot sobbed. 

Y’all…I didn’t even realize it. I was so consumed with myself, that I didn’t see it.

It started as a gift of healing, self-love/respect, and friendship from Him. It became an crutch when we moved. It became a way to feel like myself and accomplish a crazy goal, after my horrible year. It became an idol this year. 

I was broken. How could I not see it? 

My heart literally ached all afternoon. I even put up ALL of my Christmas decorations, trying to stir joy, but I was restless.

I finally fell on my face, and wept. I realized that since I started this goal in June of ’17, my focus had shifted from Him to me. I had all of these “reasons” in my head as to why I have not been the loving, sweet, always smiling and upbeat person I am for the past year and a half. I had “reasons” as to why I wasn’t as disciplined in my actions, thoughts, and words.

The truth is, I had become self-centered and self-serving.

My fulfillment and worth started depending on what I could do, instead of what He calls and equips me to.  My daily thoughts, actions, and perspective were determined by my selfish flesh and not my redeemed soul. 

Y’all… I’ve got some work to do on my heart. The habit of surrender is tough when you are out of practice. 

I went into my library room at home, where I have all of my medals and pictures from the past three years on display. I love that wall. I would often look at it and think, “Look what I did! Wow!” Today as I sat in front of it, my perspective shifted from pride to thankfulness. 

I swallowed that bitter pill, unlaced my shoes, thanked Him PROFUSELY for the joy and fulfillment the past three years have given me, and made the choice to step away from long-distance racing for at least a year... however long it takes for Him to mold this back into the gift it was always meant to be, not the identity and measure of self-worth it has become. 

It may sound silly to some, but that choice was and is very hard for me. I’m sure this sounds so dramatic to you, but that’s ok. 

Because it’s not about you. It’s not even about me.  It’s all about Him and His glory. 

Today, I choose to lay my running shoes and all they represent at His feet and take up my cross, once again. 

Today, I praise Him for loving His selfish prodigal daughter and saving her through His selfless, perfect Son.

WAY more of Him, and WAY less of me

[keanureevves]

yesterday my cousin died

I don’t know why I feel the compulsion to post this, but I can’t stop thinking about it, so I may as well try to communicate.

Yesterday was stressful, even before it happened. I was on holiday with my parents and brother, and yesterday was the start of our journey home. Coaches were boarded, planes were flown, and the long (and very cramped) taxi ride home felt like forever. When I finally got into my bed, I had no plans to leave it for the rest of the day.

Then i heard my mother screaming.

I dashed down the stairs to find my dad holding my mother up while she clutched her phone. My brother was just in front of me, equally as clueless. I quickly started questioning what was going on, but got no answers. Dad was in shock and mum was hurrying around turning ovens off and crouching to find her shoes. Dad finally said that my uncle had phoned saying we need to get to them immediately. He had only said that one of their kids had passed.

I have three cousins on my mother’s side; Lori, Ben, and Jake. Every scenario flew threw my head as my dad drove us there. Lori had epilepsy and other health problems, but Ben and Jake are wild, they could have been in an accident or something. When we got caught in traffic for an hour I thought I was going to explode. My uncle didn’t want to tell us over the phone, so we had no idea what was going on.

When we finally got there, the door was open and their living room was full. I scanned the room to see who was missing, but I found out through the screams of my aunt. It was Ben.

Ben was a young, strong man, whose job was logging. He would cut down trees, then get rid of the roots. Yesterday at around 3pm, a tree hit him and killed him instantly, at least that’s what the police said. All the facts aren't clear yet to how this exactly happened, but it happened and it is real.

This is the first time I’ve been around family members in the wake of this kind of news. I had an uncle die a year ago, but I was away in university when the news broke so I was distanced from it. But this was so raw, so consuming. 

People were on the floor sobbing; Ben’s rugby mates were hugging each other, and my beautiful cousin Lori was in the garden on her own. She has special needs, so she doesn’t experience things the same way as most people. She was in her nightie, with a blanket over her shoulders, and a cup of tea in hand (not milky enough). Her eyes were red, but she started giggling when she saw me, as she always does. She says “alright?” in her usual tone, and I can’t help but sob. She knows what’s going on, she’s as sharp as anyone else, but she’s going through something else. We’re much the same: the first sign of trouble, we run away. We stayed in the garden for a bit holding hands, accompanied by Jake’s girlfriend. My brother joins us soon after, where we stay in silence. 

We hear that my uncle and aunt have left to identify the body, leaving Jake and Lori with us. What do you say to a person who has not only lost his brother, but also his best friend? Jake’s friends surrounded him, while I sat next with Lori, who was her usual lovely self, but a quieter version.

My mum had taken the car to tell my grandparents. Ben had been living with them on the week days to help out at their farm. Because that’s the type of person he was. He could have stayed with his parents or got a place for himself, as a young man just entering adulthood. But no, he chose to help my sick granddad. He was funny, he was hard-working, and he was full of life. That is why I’m fucking furious. I don’t believe in any Gods, I don’t believe in a higher force above science. So who do I have to blame for this injustice? In a world that seems so bleak and filled with hate, why did he have to die?

Seeing my grandparents have to be sedated was harrowing, seeing my aunt scream that she didn’t want to leave him in the morgue destroyed me, seeing my uncle howling was scary. They said he looked like he was sleeping. He had a black eye and a graze on his head, but other than that my uncle said he looked like he’s just come in from a night out with the boys.

Today I have not left my room. I’m a coward. My parents have been to see their parents to check if they’re ok. And here I am. Typing. Feeling useless.

I’m not going to pretend Ben and I were super close. We weren’t. But that’s not the point. His family are so special to me. And seeing them in this much pain is heartbreaking. Where they live, their community is so supportive and loving. It was beautiful to witness. But I live half an hour away, which to some people is not a lot, but the difference is staggering between living here in Cardiff, and them living in the Valleys. I feel a distance that hits that sweet-spot where I feel useless, but I also don’t feel entitled to feeling the pain. Everyone is mourning over there, and I’m stuck over here doing nothing. At this point in time, I feel almost numb. Usually I have a hard time controlling my thoughts, but now i can feel myself consciously repressing thinking about him.

We grew up together. When my mum was working, I was at my aunt’s house, playing with Ben and Jake. He were mischievous. He were cheeky. Ben was the typical big brother who teased his younger relatives, but also made them laugh. I would see him on christmas day, pissed out of his mind, singing with his father and brother, and play-fighting with my brother.

The world seems different. It’s like a cracked mirror; the world looks warped and broken.