#i fucking love subatomic particles

[moistdragonfruit]

I made this after dumping a bunch of info about leptons onto my friend today skfjdkkdjd

[yurimage]

Thinking about Her again...

[ecohorrors]

I really made this poll as if I had enough chemistry knowledge to be able to name exactly what was going on with it by the end result but ....... it would probably explode <3

[xoxochb]

Connor Stoll sneaky smut in the Hermes’ cabin 🙏🏻

I LOVE your writing sm ♥️♥️ your amazing girly !!

the way I’m ovulating n need him so bad like wtf this is a crime

cw: fingering, I made a nerdy reference bc I’m a nerd n it’s what I do, swearing, reader bites connor, but he’s lwk an ass so… erm I think that’s it

——— ౨ৎ ⊹ ࣪ ˖

“we’re gonna get caught,” you half laugh-half warn.

though for the most part it was a warning. hermes cabin was the most packed with campers and you and your boyfriend where at risk every second of getting caught.

you don’t suppose connor cared very much about that because his finger continued trailing over the length of your bare thigh. you strongly dislike him sometimes.

you repeat his name in a chain-like order, tugging his hair gently, attempting to close your thighs together (he only parts them further each time you do that), nothing you seem to do could stop connor from the mission he’s on.

what’s pathetic is that you ache for him. you wish not. if the two of you get caught it’ll be stable duty for the rest of the year, and you’re sure you’d rather do anything else but that.

though, from the moment his finger enters you, it appears your brain had turned to television static, easily forgetting the severity of this situation at hand. your hand doesn’t stray far from his dark curls, fisting them between your palms now harsher than previously.

you attentively feel as his fingers curl inside of you, reaching the perfect spot to elicit sweet moans from your lips. it’s enough pleasure for you to forget, firstly, where you are, who you are, and why you didn’t want to do this in the first place.

you rock your hips into him searching for further friction, reducing yourself into more of a disoriented mess— already, your bra straps falling off your shoulders, your hair clearly had been toyed with, and your legs tremble with delectation. you want more, and you want it never to end.

you throw your head impossibly further back into the pillow, surely your hair will be staticky when you rise from it. you don’t seem to care about anything at the moment though. and especially when connor adds a second finger into you.

for a moment you leave earth. the universe. reality. whatever, you were melted into subatomic particles, you could only assume a proton with the way your body feels electrically charged in a positive way.

“fuck- connor…”

“I know,” he murmurs soothingly. “gonna come for me?”

you can’t find it in you to respond to that. because for one, you’re on a different plane of existence, and secondly, he knows the answer to that already.

“you know,”

oh no. what does he want?!

“I think this is a good time to tell you- I was the one that stole your book the other day.”

pause.

“what the fuck-”

a strangled moan cuts off your sentence, your orgasm hitting you harshly. what an asshole he is. and he holds it for as long as he possibly can, not prepared for your upcoming wrath.

and he was right in that sense, he’d end up with an awful bite mark via your mouth.

[duckiewashere]

Man.. why’d I have to be autistic over overcomplicated imcomprehensible stuff like quantum mechanics and theoretical physics of all things— why couldn’t it be like dogs or something relatable like- disney characters

The worst part is that I cant do math so my love of physics is like some fucked up one sided crush on some eldritch 4 dimensional being who will never know I exist and I am damned to only study and admire the sliver of her beauty I can comprehend through my 3 dimensional existence

We are kept apart by the very fabrics of our beings and yet we yearn for each other. We are forced never to look face to face and yet I will yearn for her until my dying breath. I can know her name but never know her face, her full picture, every detail, and yet I love her all the same.

So anyways. Electrons are chaotic evil in my subatomic particle alignment chart

[the-blind-assassin-12]

The Purest Element

1200 words for 1200 followers #8

A/N: Hi friends! Welcome to the 12-A-Palooza! This event is my way of saying thank you for sticking with me. Your support and kindness toward me and my writing is out of this world and I’m grateful for every last one of you! This one takes place in the Bad Idea universe, but could be read as stand alone, too. All you need to know is that Reader is an artist, and these two newlyweds love each other so much it's stupid. Please enjoy this moment of loving, supportive, domestic fluff with more than a hint of spice. 💚

Warnings: language, a little bit of very light smut with heavy suggestion of more to come, little bit of late night toking.

Requested by: @jessahmewren Song: Strangeness and Charm Character Choice: Once again I was given the choice between two characters, and once again I chose against Ezra. Who even am I?! (Don't worry, my favorite spaceman will get his due very soon.) The song is a play on scientific terms and how love, like chemical reactions, can be beautiful and pure as well as volatile and unbalanced. Fun fact: "Strangeness" and "Charm" are characteristics of two types of Quarks, which are subatomic particles that make up all matter. (please note, I am not a scientist and my understanding of these terms is only at a surface level like Dieter's is in this piece.) I hope you enjoy this little science lesson given by none other than Dr. Bravo himself.

Summary: You have to stay up late to take a call for work and Dieter waits up for you... and can't wait to share what he's learned for a new role he's got coming up.

“Thanks again. I know it’s quite late in Los Angeles, so I really do appreciate you setting the time aside to take the call. It was great chatting with you.” Hattie, the owner of a London art gallery that you were arranging a show for, gave you a bright smile. “And I’m very much looking forward to meeting you in person next week.” 

Despite how tired you were - the time difference not doing you any favors for a video call that was scheduled at 10 am there - you grinned back at her. “Same here.” You finished up by confirming the details again, and as the clock in the bottom corner of your laptop changed to 3:26 am local time, you closed the window and shut your screen. 

It’s happening. 

It was going to be your first international show, and you were thrilled about what taking that step meant for your career. Booking in London had been a goal of yours for as long as you could remember. The fact that it was only a few days away from becoming reality hadn’t fully sunk in yet, and you expected that it wouldn’t until you saw your work hanging at Hattie’s place. And the fact that when you did finally get to have that moment, Dieter would be there with you, only made you that much more excited. 

He’d been to plenty of your openings in New York and L.A., even one in Denver. But this was the first one he would attend as your husband, the two of you fresh off your honeymoon and just starting to get back to work. In a rare stroke of luck regarding your schedules, Dieter had gotten a role in a movie that was set to start filming in London three days after your collection opened, so him being there wouldn’t even require any extra travel. 

It couldn’t have worked out better. 

Stretching your shoulders, you rose from the armchair in the corner of the study and flicked the light switch on the wall. You were exhausted, but there was still a baseline hum of excitement buzzing through your veins, and as you padded down the hallway and into the living room, the sight that awaited you there only intensified that feeling. 

Oh, would you look at him? Fuck. You bit your bottom lip as you entered the room, smiling around your teeth. That’s my husband. 

Sprawled across the couch on his stomach, iPad open in front of him and a joint held between two fingers to create a halo of smoke around his wild curls, Dieter looked up as he heard you come in. “Hey.” He set the joint down in one of the grooves of the ashtray he was using and sat up, one leg tucked under his body and a lopsided grin curving his lips. “How’d it go?” 

You let out a sigh as you sunk down into the couch beside him. “Fine.” His arm came around you as you reached for the still-burning joint and took a small hit. This’ll help me wind down for bed at least. Exhaling, you leaned against him, his well-worn pullover sweater soft and comforting. “Hattie just wanted to finalize everything.” You hummed, setting the joint back where you took it from before looking up at him. “Why’re you still awake?” Lifting your hand up, you raked your nails through his hair and around his ear. “You didn’t have to wait up for me. It’s late, and-” 

Dieter leaned down to press his lips against yours, cutting you off.  “I wanted to take my wife to bed.” 

The tone of his voice simultaneously made your heart swell and made heat pool low in your belly - because you knew very well what he was capable of once he got you where he wanted you. You whimpered as you kissed him back. I want that, too, Dieter. 

He pulled back with a smirk, clearly pleased with the reaction he’d caused in you. He knows exactly what he does to me. And he likes it. “And - ” He used the arm that was around you to reach for his iPad, picking it up and handing it to you. “I figured it wouldn’t be a bad idea to do some more research for the new role. This shit is incredible.” 

You let out a small laugh at the way he so easily switched from seducing you to excitedly sharing what he’d learned in his digging. Glancing down at the page he had open, your eyes widened. “Charm Quarks and Antimatter.” Shaking your head and blinking rapidly, you set the device down on the coffee table. “What the fuck does that even mean?” 

He snorted and gave a half shrug, your body moving with the movement of his where you were still leaning into him. “Honestly I think I went a little deeper down the rabbit hole than I needed to, because I … They’re… subatomic particles? I think? I don’t know, I just kept clicking links and it just seemed like a wild read.” That got a full fledged laugh out of you, but he went on. “I did start out reading some things that were relevant to the part, though.” 

The new movie was called The Purest Element, and it told the story of a Physicist - played by Dieter - who had set out to prove that love was nothing more than a chemical reaction, only to fail and fall in love with one of his test subjects. It was a dramatic role that required the confident delivery of a lot of technical scientific jargon, so Dieter wanted to make sure that he familiarized himself with some of the terms. You had no doubt that while you were in the other room on your Zoom call, he was using his phone to record himself pronouncing things like “electron-positron colliders”.

“Did you?” You asked through a yawn. He nodded, the tip of his nose bumping your cheek as he trailed his lips toward your ear. “Like what?” You mumbled the question as you felt him shift his hold on you to ease you down onto the cushion. 

“Like… how when I touch you?” He dragged his hand slowly up your thigh, pinky snagging on the hem of your shorts before he continued his path upwards. “When my skin touches your skin?” You sighed as he inched his fingertips under your top, trailing them over your belly and to your side, your shirt hiking up around his wrist. “And you get all flustered?” He nipped at your earlobe, the contact forcing your lips to part, a ragged breath slipping out. “What you’re really feeling is a catalytic reaction brought on by friction.” His hand slipped all the way up beneath your shirt to cup your breast. 

“Sounds…” You swallowed as he worked his tongue around the small stud earring you were wearing, your fingers twining through his hair as you tipped your head back. Fuck that feels amazing. “Sounds very scientific, Dieter. Maybe we should do some more experiments just to be sure.” 

There was a spark in his eyes as he responded. “See? Had to stay up. It’s for science.” 

.

.

Thank you for reading! If you’d like to be added to or removed from the tag list, please feel free to let me know. You can also fill out the form on my Masterlist! :)

tags: @something-tofightfor @littlemisspascal @tentacruels @alraedesigns @practicalghost @trickstersp8 @princessxkenobi@imtryingmybeskar @mswarriorbabe80 @theredwritingwitch @silverstarsandsuns @pedro-pedrito-pascalito @jedi-in-crocs @chiyo13 @myloveistoolittle @Noisynightmarepoetry @haylzcyon

[blindmagdalena]

crawling into your blog like this to deep fry my school/work-fucked brain in homelander fics and unlock that subatomic particle of serotonin that will keep me sane

oh kenny!!! 😭😭😭 i love you!! rest your weary head upon his heavily padded bosom. suffocate your woes betwixt them. be soothed by his insistence you quit your capitalist pursuits to pay attention only to him!!!

[weemietime]

So I write for a pretty huge verse that is currently almost 800,000 words of pure incoherent techno babble. In some of the comics they actually do go into this in more detail and he is shown being able to create black holes, teleport, etc. They do clarify in some issues that he controls electrons but this isn't consistent.

Our version of him controls subatomic particles. He can teleport, and because of this can also time travel (as so can electrons) and breach the barriers of different realities in what we call the Expanse. He first learned how to manipulate electrons, and since metal is the most conductive element, he has had an affinity for it since childhood.

But he gradually became super fucking OP, and as of now is basically the most powerful mutant in our verse. Here is a more fun one for you though: how do you think telepathy works? Does Charles control the electrochemical transmissions in people's brains (thus he should also be capable of manipulating sodium due to the sodium/ion transport network, other hormones, etc).

We solved this using neutrinos, which are near-massless particles that pass through objects and are theorized to retain information about the objects they pass through. Charles has additional structures in his brain that when they pass through his body after going through someone else, he can interpret the data and restructure it into thoughts, images, etc. He can do this in reverse and utilize neutrino transmission to remotely affect others as well, attaching whatever data he wants another person to receive in a strong enough manner that someone without these structures can parse it.

Meaning their abilities are actually very similar in that they are both rooted in quantum and particle physics, so we play them as kind of two halves of a whole. Erik is tangible and Charles intangible. Charles has also been shown to have the capacity to manipulate his physical environment, but he has less practice with this. (Just like our Erik has some latent psionic potential and natural telepathic immunity, but is not practiced in it.)

Sorry, I am a nerd and I love theorizing about this shit.

can i ask? does magneto control metals or electomagnatism? what exactly are his mutant powers? is there a different secret system to what is and is not a metal to him? because it seems like he has a handle on all transition as well as like lead and tin which are post transition metals of any quality or alloy of them but like... this implies that the only things he isn't in control of are like... the noble gasses and the organic chemistry elements (reactive nonmetals which is such a blah name for them.)

like, he should probably be able to control most salt and calcium... so he should be able to pretty easily mush people or marionette them around or control AT LEAST their emotions and stuff? idk i have food poisoning right now but i feel like he should also have some kinds of lava powers too if it was consistant? or is it about his abilities with electromagnetic forces? because if that's true then forget it, he should be able to control the spin of the earth, the earth, most solid objects and the chemical signals in people's brains and muscles, but i guess he could also do that with standard metal control too...

that's too much. i know he was created a while ago but like... they need to be specific. he should really be called like, "Deorbito." every issue should have a little periodic table with a blerb about electron spin or something, and specifics about what is and is not a Magneto "metal" and why... just to be sure. wouldn't cost a dime...

[homoose]

Also, TMSIDK Concept that popped into my brain last night: Spencer has to get up earlier than Reader for work, so he writes little sticky notes for them and puts them where he knows she’ll see them as she’s getting ready for the day. Just little declarations of love or corny jokes to make her smile. And since Reader is usually out of work before Spencer, she does the same thing for him.

TMSIDK!reader 🥰 I don’t know if this was technically a blurb request, but i think it fits best as a blurb

———

Y/N hummed at the press of his lips against her temple. She could feel his smile against her skin, warm as the blankets that he’d tucked in close around her sleeping frame. When he pulled back, she whined, eyes fluttering open in the still dark room.

He shushed her, sitting back next to her on the bed. “You still have about an hour to sleep. We’ve got a case.”

“Out of town?” she mumbled.

“Mhm.” He smoothed a hand over her hair. “I’ll call you tonight if I can?”

“Please,” she agreed.

He leaned over her again, pressed his mouth to hers, minty breath ghosting over her face as he murmured. “I love you.”

“I love you, save lives, come home.” It had become a sort of mantra for her, and an unspoken agreement between them that he would do everything in his power to come home to her in one piece.

He pressed another chaste kiss to her mouth. “I’ll do my best.”

And then his weight was gone from the bed, and she heard the click of the front door behind him, and the apartment was quiet.

She didn’t sleep much after that, the aroma of coffee drifting through the apartment, and the temperature of the bed just a little too cool without him next to her. With a sigh, she heaved herself out of the bed a full twenty-five minutes before the alarm.

She grabbed her phone before shuffling to the bathroom, stifling a yawn behind her hand. A flash of pink on the mirror caught her eye, and she smiled as soon as she saw the chicken scratch scrawled across the post-it.

Good morning, Miss Honey. Have a day as sweet as you are.

There was another note stuck to the side of her favorite coffee mug.

I’ve never had a buzz quite like the one I get from you.

And another on her teacher bag.

Thanks for teaching me more than I could have learned from any book. I love you.

She tucked the notes into her wallet and then pulled on her jacket as she shot off a text to him.

Y/N: You’re very cute. ♥️ Miss Honey 🍯

Spencer: Just repaying the favor. Miss you already.

...

On the jet, he opened his wallet, pulling out a handful of his own worn, multi-colored paper squares.

morning, BFG 🤍 have a BFD (beautiful, fucking fun day)

we must be subatomic particles because I feel a strong force between us 🤍

I’d stay in bed all day with you if I could. but alas, one of us has to actually make money

sorry for poking fun at your salary. you’re worth a million bucks to me 🤍 and I wanna spend the rest of my life getting out of student debt with you

I can’t think of anything cute today but I love you more than I can fit on a sticky note anyway 🤍

thanks for being the best lab partner in this weird and wonderful thing called love. 🤍 I love you, Spencer

[carcinized]

KING I COULDNT READ YOUR PAPER ABOUT THE AU CAUSE IM STUPID BUT I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR ABOUT IT PKEASE

NO DUDE THAT PAPER IS NOT FOR READING THAT THING IS INCOMPREHENSIBLE TO ANYONE BESIDE ITS CREATOR. A FACE ONLY A MOTHWR COULD LOVE FR.

this got long oops. wnjoy

ok but BASICALKY so like. there’s this planet called C-17 (solar system C, body 17). it’s this rocky place with magma for oceans, closest to its orbital star so it’s super hot, super small (about 1/4 the size of earth) so its gravitational pull is about 2.68 m/s^2. that’s around the gravitational pull of our earth’s MOON for context.

the native people of the planet are dragon like humanoids (i think,, this might change tho. im simply fond of dragon!tubbo headcanons and it kinda fits w the environment. might change it to a mc mob from the nether tho ?).

the planet used to have tons of [material i need to make up] to be mined but despite the work conditions being unsafe (you could literally mine into lava) it was all mined out. C-17’s economy has been entirely reliant on its [material] and is now kind of the universe’s wasteland.

to make matters worse, an asteroid has recently slammed into C-17. you see, C-17 is wedged between its sun and an asteroid belt, and usually, things are fine, but recently a huge rock was knocked out of orbit and hit C-17. its continents have been shattered and its orbit has been fucked up, it’s now even closer to the sun than BEFORE and getting hotter and hotter.

of course, other superpowers in the universe aren’t going to let this slide. you see, C-17’s only major investment other than its gold industry was in flying and specifically, space travel.

C-17’s low gravitational pull makes it both an easy place to launch large things into space, but also an incredibly hard environment to navigate. and besides just having a low gravitational pull, the air is so thin there that air resistance hardly matters, so it’s something akin to sliding on ice. this makes it an incredible training ground for pilots planning to go to space. C-17 has an incredible space program and fleet.

and recently, a certain scientist on that planet has been studying subatomic particles (without the government’s approval. oops). in particular, he’s studying one—one that has no matter, in fact has antimatter. you see, with antimatter, travel through worm holes might be possible—meaning both incredibly fast travel over space, but also travel through time.

unfortunately, this scientist is captured by the same superpower that controlled their mines and thrown into prison and told to keep working, but not before he gives his best friend the keys to his ship and tells him to break him out. when he’s there, he refuses to work, meets a new friend, and ends up having to break himself out when his best friend doesn’t show. queue a trip back to the lab, a discovery, and a rocky-but-successful first attempt at time travel to go back and time and save him.

hehehehe bench trio go brrr what do you think jamie. the plot is very loose & i need to do more worldbuilding (especially of the mean planet, plus wherever ranboo is going to be from i need to give him a home planet too) but !!!!! :D i think it’s cool

[traegorn]

I started writing this as a response to @asksecularwitch but it was getting too long.

When I say studying quantum physics got me into witchcraft, I NEVER mean that the direct science somehow confirmed magic's existence. Or that the bizarre nature of subatomic particles somehow directly explain any of my witchcraft.

What I mean is that I had a concrete view of the universe growing up. Like everything that existed was material, and behaved in a specific way -- and I took for granted that the things I couldn't see ALSO worked that way. When I learned I was wrong, and that science proved me wrong -- like the uncertainty principle and the observer effect right fucked me up. 😆

So I started looking at the world differently. All the paranormal stuff and weird things I loved as a kid. Because the only reason I had dismissed them was because they didn't fall into a model of the universe which I was coming to realize wasn't even real. It gave the universe a sense of mystery again.

That's what I mean when I say that. Not some new agey misunderstanding of the science. Just that I finally didn't have all the answers myself.

[resisteverything]

I never said that Angel was more murder-y than everyone else. I'm saying that in a show about redemption, framing a character as basically redeemed and deserving of salvation but never addressing the part where they ended innocent lives is a problem. Like does Angel canonically regret any of that?

YOU were the one who said Husk called Angel out for being a killer, NOT me. I would honestly hate it if Husk tried to handwring about Angel being a murderer. That's lame. There are way better ways to have Angel be forced to confront what he's done.

And I never said anyone needed to walk up to Angel and say "Ew you're a murderer that's evil" because that would be shitty lazy storytelling. That never happened to Zuko, for good reason. He had a moment that was slightly like that where the child he saved in "Zuko Alone" told him to fuck off because he's the prince of the fire nation, but that's not the same at all.

The show is meant to criticize these black and white ideas of morality, and it could easily do that, but it constantly makes characters who are just fundamentally good or bad. Angel basically proves himself redeemed and a good person now in an actual court of law. This is the only time I've seen a writer literally tell the audience directly that a character has redeemed themselves and earned forgiveness.

I paid attention to the court scene. It was stupid as fuck. They had a shitty joke become the actual backbone of this courts rules. Despite being a criticism of Christianity it makes up new moral rules instead of talking about the actual rules, like the ten commandments. Imagine if they decided Angel wasn't to be redeemed because he doesn't believe in the christian god and took the lords name in vain, even though he was seriously trying to be a good person now and had tried to make amends for past mistakes? That would be so much more real as a criticism of Christianity. Instead it's this bullshit about how the idea of bad people is made up, even though the every single hell demon is an absolute monster and most angels are innocent people kept in the dark about what Sera is doing down there.

Like the story is very clear, aside from the exterminators who are a dirty secret, Heaven is full of morally pure people. And people in hell are rapists and murderers by default. Like name one established character who went to Hell and is a morally good person. None of them are. They're either murderers or rapists or they're brainwashing people or they sell date rape drugs or they're war profiteers or cannibals.

Adam being a bad person does not negate the fact that everyone in hell aside from charlie has clearly caused untold trauma to someone else, or are a toxic prescience on someone's life.

And say what you want about the idea of good person and bad person being homophobic or whatever, that does not negate the feelings of someone who gave birth to three kids under the influence of a love potions Velvette created and sold, or Angels trauma at the hands of Val, or Husks trauma at the hands of Alastor, or Alastors trauma at the hands of whoever has him on that chain, or Pentius's feelings about being gangraped at the club.

Adam literally said Vaggie was his best soldier, not that she was a rookie who didn't have the heart to kill anyone. His best soldier. She had seen combat many times and had done it often enough to become well respected as a soldier. She could stand toe to toe with Lute in a fight.

I can accept that maybe Vaggie didn't see a demon child before. But the fact that this turned her entire character around to the point that a few hours after that happening she suddenly loves demons now and dedicates her life to serving the devil's child, that does not track. It's not just unrealistic for her to change that fast, it's fucking boring. I don't care if she was diced into subatomic particles and exploded a billion times from all those spitting atoms before being reformed, she should not just magically unlearn all her deeply ingrained lifelong biases in a few hours. Vaggie went through maybe 3 seasons of character development in only two scenes. And this makes her character boring as she now has literally no growing to be doing as a character.

Yeah Vaggie being a better person after a year is believable. But we're not told that she had to go on that journey, we were told she magically learned all the good things and joined the good side after being beat up. Zuko experienced not one but TWO lute wing moments in his life and neither one caused him to 180 like that. Because that's boring stiff character writing. She should be allowed to be messy and maybe not fully get it. That's way more interesting that her being Charlie's henchwoman who she kisses.

I'm saying that the show has basically done nothing to setup the idea of Alastor redeeming himself. He has nothing resembling remorse or conflict, not even a little bit, and he's no closer to becoming a better person now than he was at the start. Even a baby step like kind of warming up to Charlie could count.

Zuko's redemption arc started in season one. In a 20 episode season, not 25. He ended his redemption arc and started his atonement arc in episode 50, but it not that. And Zuko doing bad things we're supposed to hate him for is GOOD writing. He has things to redeem himself from, and it makes him finally learning his lesson in the end all the more satisfying. This is not a writing mistake, it's what the writers of Hazbin should have been doing with their characters.

I never sad Angel needs to be called out for his behavior, I said you were wrong to say that it did happen, and I never said Alastor needed it either. You put words in my mouth. Read what I actually said and why I said it.

They went to hell as their consequence. But the majority of Hell people seem to be doing fine with their lives. Mimzy isn't living in eternal suffering, nor is Pentius or Cherry, the V's are certainly not. Husk, Angel, and Alastor are special cases and the majority of characters are just not in their position. Rosie seems fine with her life as well. You'd almost forget these characters are in danger of death annually with how well they seem to be taking it.

Angel being raped as a consequence for his actions, yeah fuck that. That's not accountability, and it's not something anyone deserves. We're not supposed to think Angel "had it coming" and it would be extremely shitty if we did. We're not counting that. And I'm not talking about the sharks. Angel is literally said to be responsible for mass death numbering in the thousands over petty turf wars.

Blitz apologizing and it being fake doesn't matter to this argument. There's a such thing as actually being sorry and being in situations where an apology would be appropriate to give.

The Gaang do forgive Zuko eventually, Katara literally said the exact words "I think i'm ready to forgive you" to Zuko. And I don't expect every character to follow Zuko's example to a T just because I said his name. I just said this is a thing that happens to him that should happen to these other characters. Some things work for some situations and other things work for others.

I don't need these characters to be forgiven. I just want them to have to seriously confront what they've done and how that affects people. I do not expect these characters to get forgiveness at every turn or even necessarily any turn. That doesn't matter. I never said it did. I specifically mentioned the character in Bojack Horseman who he hurt and pushed him away because of that. People who were burned out and can't expend any more mental energy on dealing with him, characters who will hate him forever, or are literally scared of him, or both. Even a character who straight up died as a result of his own actions. That level of maturity and painful realness, that you can be shitty to someone and have to just live with it and never receive closure, and then you just have to try and be better and hope it doesn't happen again, that's something Hazbin just doesn't have the maturity to touch. Even Avatar had more maturity than that, with Zuko having experiences with people he will never meet again and never have the chance to apologize to for how he hurt them even though they were nice to him, people who hate him or fear him for his role in this war and how it's hurt them and their families. The acknowledgement that wanting to be better is not good enough to get forgiven.

Hazbin has none of that painful reality that comes from being a person who has hurt people and is trying to be better, which is a big problem for a show where rape and religious abuse are major themes.

Hazbin has such black and white writing for a show about redemption. Like can you name a single instance in which the story ever wanted you to take Angels behavior seriously, and care about something he’s done?

Or a moment where a character tried to make amends for past actions, or improve as people. Sir pentius didn’t learn anything he just stopped being a cartoon baddie, there was no need to confront past behavior or mature or anything.

And Vaggie, she does not learn anything, she just sees a child and becomes good. Why does this child belong in hell? Why has Vaggie never seen one before? Why does Vaggie suddenly respect adult demons after seeing this child when she was fine killing adult demons before this?

Why is Lucifer portrayed as basically a good person who never has to commit to redemption when he was literally okay with the exterminations? Because he has depression?

Why doesn’t Alastor make anything resembling a step towards redemption after all of season one as a main character in a show about redemption?

[hereisleo]

stardust in our veins/

w/ s.mg x reader

g/ college!au, fluff, budding romance

w.count/ 2814

a.n/ in which upcoming astrophysicist and model song mingi is in a dilemma over the soon to be love of his life. a part of ‘back to school’ writing event with @kpopscape

t.w/ swearing

“The universe is under no obligation to make sense to you.”

Well, fuck. Mingi thinks his luck is the worst. The one time he needed the universe to make sense of course it wouldn’t. Then again turning to his astrophysics texts for guidance in the matter of love is the wrong place to start. Love doesn’t make sense like the universe, much of it still undiscovered and will continue to remain so. There’s only so much humans can learn and that by no means is little. He’s simply too finite to understand all the ways the universe has to offer. The perks of being mortal in his opinion.

His phone lights up, a notification appears on his screen. Don’t be late, Min! Right, he has to model for his friend tonight. He sends a quick confirmation text, a little cute onomatopoeia of ‘ang!’ Out of place with his stoic exterior yet that’s how he is, best of both worlds. Mathematics and astrophysics. Fashion industry and music. He could make it anywhere he wants to be. Mingi is confident in himself, he knows he has most of the skills set required to pursue all of his dream occupations. So he straightens the loose pages of a printed pdf file and tuck them into its folder. He could buy the textbooks but why would he do that? He likes to eat the rich so to speak. All his earnings go to tuition and he would live smartly to make it through another year.

The chair squeaks in the quiet library and he winces, slightly apologetic at the flinches from students studying in the library. He doesn’t dwell much in it, he slings his back over his shoulder and pushes his chair in, lifting it a touch to prevent the grating noise. He nods at the librarian and mouths his, ‘bye.’ And it’s just him and his little kidney beans, AirPods, pumping music into his ears. He makes his way around the ground, weaving through passing students going to different classes, the stares he receives are not foreign. He’s used to it. He’s always a head and some more taller than the average or maybe it’s his clothes or his colourful hair or the way he carries himself is out of place within the Department of Astrophysics. Mingi looks like someone from the Department of Arts. A fashion or music student. Some would say he’s here because of an athletic scholarship. He is simply exercising his freedom to wear whatever he wants.

Sik-K’s “Habibi” starts playing and he mumbles his curses, a love and hate relationship he has with his playlist. He just managed to distract himself from thinking about love and here he is, back to wallow in his one-sided pining. Pitiful. You’re pathetic, Song Mingi. His strides languidly back to his shared apartment, not too far off from campus, he could take the car but he likes to walk when the weather is nice. He wonders when did he begin liking you. The first time he sees you is in the Arts building when you were fitting his feline-like friend into a stage costume. He thinks he fell for how your brow knits together in concentration as your fingers deftly repaired loose embellishment of pearls on the velvet suit jacket. He vividly recalls how inky the fabric was, similar to the sky that night, Mars was visible from the big window at the fashion studio. He would catch glimpses of you here and there and because of that, his visits to the Arts building increased. His friends caught on immediately and they wouldn’t live it down.

Before he knows it, he’s already punching the security codes on his door. A happy greeting of his name falls short with an amused laugh. Even his best friend could tell, he’s wallowing in his feelings. Mingi whines, kicking his shoes off before unceremoniously taking all the space on the couch. Good thing his playlist has come to its end, he takes out the little kidney beans from his ears and let it rest on the coffee table.

“Love doesn’t make sense, Yunho,” he groans, burying his face against the giant brown bear plushie. A hand pats his head, “Love doesn’t make sense and so does the universe yet you love them the same.” Mingi thinks Yunho has been skimming through his astrophysics texts but highly unlikely, Yunho doesn’t enjoy reading. He sighs and nuzzles deeper into the belly of the soft toy. Hell, he much rather snuggle with you but alas you’re a distant star out of his reach. He could only see you behind the lenses of his telescope. He will make do with the bear and his friends for now. He likes being alone, he likes his space but he hates the feeling of loneliness that comes out to play every once in a while. More often now since he has you to pin over. His friends could only do so much for him.

Fuck you, Kim Hongjoong. Mingi keeps his head low and skirts around the photographer. You. He isn’t not aware you’ll be shooting him today, figuratively and literally. Yeosang has a shit eating grin on his face when Mingi sits on the chair to get his makeup done. “Not a word, Yeosang,” he mumbles and the grin widens. His friend only wipes his face clean before starting off with a quick skincare. He’s used to this, the gentle toner in white and blue packaging and the light cream patted into his skin. His friend went the length to purchase them specifically for him. He keeps his eyes trained on the mirror, tracking your movements all over the studio, talking to Hongjoong, toying with the navy and silver camera strap. He remembers buying the strap for Jongho when the old one was too worn out for use. It reminds him of the starry sky and it’s now in your hold. He bites his lip, it shouldn’t feel intimate yet here he is almost astral projecting because it feels as if you are holding part of his universe. Stop it, Mingi!

His pseudo makeup artist taps his abused lip with a warning tut, a red stain is smudged lightly before a clear gloss is patted over them so it doesn’t dry out his lips. Yeosang always scolds him for having chapped lips and this time Mingi sports dark smokey eyes, he could see hints of burgundy mixed into the brown shadows. Yeosang gives him a wink before sending him off to change. Hongjoong is a genius for designing outfits and he’s honoured to be one of the models walking in it. He wishes nothing but the best for the clothing line launch to be successful but he would be lying if he doesn’t want to wipe the smirk off the designer’s face right now.

Your fingers graze the skin of his back, his shoulders tensed and he presses his lips together to prevent any noise from escaping his mouth. Fuck this shoot. You’re just pinning his jeans because it’s slightly too big. Mingi wants to run home into the comfort of his bed and screams. Your radiating body heat is so warm and perhaps this is as close as he would ever to touch you, the human embodiment of the universe. He shouldn’t be this hypersensitive yet here he is flustered beyond his imagination. His lungs feel like they are collapsing. You are the 3-degree temperature difference in intergalactic space he learned about. His body couldn’t manage to reach equilibrium. Being around you makes his blood cells want to burst, the lack of atmospheric pressure puts a dizzy spell on him. Mingi thinks you’re an amazing being like the supercharged subatomic particles travelling almost just as fast as the speed of light. There’s only 0.1% difference. Magnificent.

Hongjoong and Yeosang smirk at his struggles. They are no strangers to his ‘internally screaming’ countenance. Mingi would have book it if they let him suffer any longer. He takes one look into the mirror, the long leather coat adds some invisible height to him, he appears taller than he already is and the chunky ribbed turtleneck accentuate his long neck. He glances over to the few more pieces hanging on the rack. Hongjoong kills it with the A/W capsule collection. He couldn’t wait to get into the patchwork trench coat and the purple overshirt that catches his attention since the prototype era. The universe has expanded further into infinity since then.

A gentle call of his name and the barely there touch on his back jolts him out of his reverie, eyes boring into yours almost bewitched. Your hand is right over where his birthmark is hidden under the layers of fabrics. “Mingi?” Your voice. Damnit, it’s so soft to his ears and the way his name rolls off your tongue raises the hairs on his arms. He dazedly hums in response, “Yes, stars?” The composition of a human being is as old as the universe itself, there are stardust running in the veins of mortals. He sees the brightest stars in your eyes. He doesn’t realise what he just called you, the term of endearment he refers you as in his head slips out to be immortalised. Sound waves travel into space and beyond, he can’t take back what he said. Your cheek is hot under his fingertips, in moments of bravery or stupidity, Mingi manages to string together a sentence, “Let’s take some pictures shall we?”

Bless Hongjoong for hooking up the music. He would run away if Taemin’s “Criminal” didn’t start playing. Don’t explode now. One more step to the front of the red backdrop. What foolish action did he do? How did he have the courage to talk to you and more over actually feel your skin under his fingers? He wants to scream and curl up on the floor. I did not just do that! Yeosang gives him a thumbs up for the corner of the studio. Thank heavens for his friends. He lets the electronic beats fill him and he loses himself in the act. His friends once told him, he’s a good actor. Now is the time for him to maximise the skill. A teasing drag of his bottom lip between his teeth, the smouldering gaze as he pierces through the camera lens straight at you just as the lyrics spews, ‘Destroy me more.’ Two can play this game and Mingi finds it relieving to find he’s not the one who is affected. It doesn’t quite make sense to you how he likes you and it doesn’t quite make sense to him how you like him. He’s not built for chasing love but now he knows you do have an interest in him, he takes the liberty to pursue it. He wouldn’t pour his love onto you yet. He has class and he’s not going to do anything that might spook you. Yes, he acts like an idiot sometimes but he’s not an idiot. He wants to make sure if you really have taken a liking of him or if he’s merely a passing interest. He doesn’t like getting hurt.

One wardrobe change and then two, the playlist continuous on, the hours blurred together. Mingi is in his last outfit, lying on the brown leather couch covered with colourful rugs and you’re hovering over him with the DSLR. He gives you, no, he means the camera, his best smirk and provocative lift of his eyebrow. From the corner of his eyes, Yeosang and Hongjoong are curling into each other to stifle bubbling laughter while monitoring all the shots appearing on the computer. The addictive riff of “Teeth” by 5 Seconds of Summer has him unbuttoning the purple overshirt. His friends are slapping each other and he hears you take sharp intake of breath. He is enjoying this way too much and he might as well. If he’s going to explode now is the time. Before the night ends, before the sky lightens, he would explode like a supernova, powerful and bright enough for its light to glow for more than a week. It’s rather selfish of him to make himself linger in your mind in a rather unorthodox fashion but he couldn’t help it, the opportunity is there for the taking. At some point the two nuclei would collide to create a new element, Mingi hopes it’s his and yours.

The following day Mingi wakes up to a series of texts in the group chat. The sheer amount of caps lock yelling are not anything new so he didn’t check it yet. He raises his arms and lets his muscles sing with the stretch. His feet kiss the cool floor and he makes his way out to do his day off routine. “Morning, Yunho,” he greets, his voice still rough from sleep, it sounds deeper even to his own ears. He hears his roommate rustling about in the living room and feet padding hurriedly to his direction, “Afternoon already, Min! And you can’t say that nonchalantly after what you did last night! You didn’t tell me this!” What did he do last night? Ah, right! He was modelling for Hongjoong, saw you and flirted with you indirectly through the camera lens. Yunho shoves his phone in front of him.

An A-cut photograph from the shoot is attached in the chat by Hongjoong. He was in the half open purple overshirt and sunglasses hanging between his teeth, glaring straight at whoever is looking at the picture. Consecutive texts from his friend group are under it, nothing but praises and Yunho is always first to compliment him. My best friend right there! Following the trail of text bubbles, he finds a short video. He presses the play button and immediately blushes, hiding his face in his hands with an exasperated sound. Last night model Mingi was brave enough to reach for the camera. In fact, he reached past it and cradled your cheek in his palm. “It was for the shoot!” Yunho pockets his phone. “Mingi. You eye fucked the camera through and through. In fact, it’s not the camera, it’s your ‘stars’.” The mirth in Yunho’s voice is enough to draw another whine from him. He couldn’t find fault in his best friend’s statement.

He has to go back in again today and how is he supposed to face you? I should call in sick. Yet with that thought he still works the coffee machine, his body moving rotely and his friend sidles next to him to help him with lunch. He could still sense the excitement radiating from the puppy-like man. An avocado toast later, Mingi is sent out with a cheery, “Have fun!” The little kidney beans are back in his ears, a mellow summer song soothes his pounding heart. The moon peeks between buildings as if to tell him it’s rooting for him. In such an aspect, he thanked the pile of regolith and dead volcanoes hanging in space.

His takes longer strides to the campus ground, arriving earlier than expected, his body understands the excited energy simmering under his skin. To see you standing in front of the Arts building entrance sparks something in him. Don’t do or say anything weird, Mingi. He breaks into a jog, calling your name properly this time. It’s an exaggeration but this is what he thinks being struck by a space debris must feel like. The shy wave of your hand and the sunlight blanketing your skin are enough to set his heart racing. “You look different today.” He supposed he does look different to you. Your encounters with him are always within the confinement of Hongjoong’s studio. You never see him in his casual state, so the messy, half wet hair from the shower earlier, the all sweats get-up he is in and the glasses perched on the bridge of his nose are foreign to you. Hell, you never see him cooing at a soft toy or notice how slow he eats. “Have you eaten yet?” That’s good, Min, that’s a safe question. You nod with a smile, pocketing away your phone, “Just enough to get through the meeting.” Mingi wants to curl up on the floor, what is he going to do with your undivided attention on him?

“Shall we grab something together afterwards?” He curls his hands into fist within the pockets of his sweatpants. What the hell did he just ask you? He needs that space debris to smite him out of existence right now. The endearing shy smile on curving your cheeks upwards has him biting his tongue. Mingi thinks a space debris really has vaporised him, your answer leaving him a stuttering blushing mess. “It’s a date then.”

“The universe is under no obligation to make sense to you.”

[jungkookiebus]

Stargazing | kth

Genre: fluff x nonidol!au x established relationship x professor!taehyung Pairing: astrophysicist!taehyung x reader Rating: E for everyone! Word Count: 1.8k Summary: High up in the mountains, in a small village, there lives two young lovers; one is an astrophysicist, the other a dutiful plant mom and writer. On a special night, with a special supermoon, Taehyung, wants to picnic and watch it travel across the sky. With fireflies lighting the waves of grass, you settle among its drifting blades as Taehyung shares his passion of space and the wonder it holds.  Author’s note: This is a sensory drabble with a little more dialogue, but I don’t think it takes away from the comfort it’s supposed to portray. Plus, I fucking love space. 

“I’ll take you there one day.”

Taehyung’s slim finger partially covered your view of the moon for a moment. Tonight, there was a supermoon and he was adamant on taking you out for a night picnic. With a basket slung under his arm (you may have teased him a little for it) and his other arm intertwined with yours, he led you up the path shortly before moonrise. Your small village was nestled in the mountains, away from the busy life of the city the both of you had been used to up until a year ago. The both of you decided your lives weren’t fulfilled enough, sold most of your belongings, and moved to the mountains and you hadn’t looked back since. Fireflies danced among the trees and the ferns that grew beneath them. The sound of soft dirt beneath your feet sounded softly in the night, as if you walked on air. A cool breeze blew through the trees and it almost sounded as if waves were crashing on a shore. The night was filled with the sounds of crickets, cicadas, predatory night birds, and the winds coming down from the mountains. Sticks snapped beneath your feet every now and again. The clearing was one you visited often. The tall grass swayed gently in the breeze and the moon cresting over the trees cast it in a muted blue that made it seem like waves at dawn.

Now, the both of you were laid on the blanket on your backs, watching as the moon traveled slowly across the sky. The sky was dotted with thousands of stars that only highlighted the moon even more.

“To the moon?”

“Mhmm.”

You looked at him out of the corner of your eye. His hands rested on his stomach and you looked at his profile. From here, you could see the reflection of the stars in his eyes and you wished you could look at them head on without blocking the view. But for now, you were satisfied with seeing them as if standing at the edge of a clear pool. His eyes shone in the night. He never liked his brown eyes, but you thought they were the brightest eyes you had ever seen. Even his eyelashes cast shadows on his cheeks as he slowly blinked. His soft, dark hair haloed his head and soft curls fell across his forehead. You looked back towards the sky. The moon was almost too bright to look at for very long, but you were fascinated by the amount of detail you could see. Craters stood out in stark contrast from the white ashy surface, streaks of darker gray the only other proof that something had hit it.

“That’d be nice.”

He hummed as the wind pick up again. You laid in the middle of the field, blanket tamping down the grass where you sat, but the rest still stood tall around you as if you laid in an enchanted pool. It dipped down low, tickling at your legs so you scooted a little closer to Taehyung. He instinctively moved his arm so that you could tuck under, head resting on his shoulder. Fireflies were continuing to come out by the hundreds, dancing among the grass and the trees further beyond the field. An owl flew overhead once and a bat or two would skitter across your vision jauntily.

“What constellations are out tonight?”

In all honesty, you just wanted to hear him talk. You weren’t sure what it was. Maybe his voice was at just the right decibel. You were positive his voice could be taken and made into a binaural beat that would put the listener to sleep instantly or relax their tired soul. Whatever ailed you, his voice soothed the ache.

“Well, I see Capricorn and Aquarius. Oh, and Pavo is right over the trees…”

He trailed off, knowing he tended to get carried away. After all, the other reason you had moved here was for the observatory. Taehyung was a professor of astrophysics and when he decided to move, still made a living doing research for the university and published regularly.

“Tell me more about stars,” you said almost dreamily. You really did just want to watch the sky while he talked.

And talk he did. As you gazed out into the starry night you tried to imagine what he was describing. He was always so good at turning space into a story that you weren’t surprised he was the most popular professor at University. You tried to imagine that you had vision that could see beyond this earth and into the heavens above as he spoke. You traveled through various clouds of dust as his voice rumbled beneath you, guiding you through the galaxy. Then there was almost a storm, a turbulence within the cloud as the gas and dust began to collapse in on itself. You imagined the warmth on your face, contrasted sharply with the freezing temperatures of space, as the core heated. Taehyung waved his hand towards the sky as he spoke, gesturing to it in general as he continued his description.

“…protostars. It’s at the heart of these cores that someday become the star…”

You could practically see the brightness behind your eyelids as you closed your eyes, using the light of the moon to further your daydream.

“It kind of just gathers dust, but not all of it becomes a star. They could become asteroids or even planets.”

You loved his passion and it warmed you against the cold around you. You held onto him a little tighter as the temperature dropped. The moon was beginning to dip behind you, almost directly overhead now. The soft skin of his jaw was pressed to your forehead and when he talked it moved gently against your skin. The crickets were still just as loud, and the fireflies were having a dance all their own in the moonlight; they were the bioluminescence to this grassy ocean. An owl hooted behind you, nestled amongst the dark branches of the trees at the edge of the clearing.

“And when they die, they leave so many beautiful things behind.”

You let your fingers brush gently along his sweater as you nestled a little closer, sighing deeply as he continued to speak in his soft baritone.

“Their death are sad fates, but it’s amazing how long they get to live. They can be one of the oldest things in the universe, having lived for billions of years and we’re just here in the blink of an eye.”

He was always fascinated with life and life outside of himself. His fascination with the stars had started in an early age and traveled with him for the rest of his life. He reached for the old Tecsun hand crank radio he always kept by his side “just in case”. Taehyung without the radio wasn’t Taehyung. He had set it perfectly, just by memory, to the perfect station at peak clarity. Miles away, and up in the mountains a little higher than you were now sat a large radio tower with a small, white building at its base. On this night it was playing Ella Fitzgerald and The Andrews Sisters. The music floated softly on the air and the fireflies seemed to sway in time to the lilting beat.

“In a supernova the core collapses and explodes. These insane nuclear reactions happen, and the core literally creates iron, ____, now the star has taken all the nuclear energy it can and the star can no longer support its own mass and the iron core collapses.”

Taehyung is animated now, body shifting a little beneath you, but not enough to make you uncomfortable. You still fit comfortably under his arm and his warm hand never left the outside of your elbow. He was using his other hand to explain what he was saying, even though you weren’t looking. Every now and again, you’d open your eyes to see what shadows the moon was casting on his face now. Now that it was dropping behind you, his soft cheekbones were highlighted, and they cast shadows down his cheeks. The dip beneath his bottom lip was dark as night. His eyes, however, still reflected the stars. From this angle, you could watch both as his eyes searched the stars with rapt fascination. He seemed to always be looking for something different, something new. They moved from side to side and sometimes more upwards, exposing only the whites and they shined brilliantly, making you think of his dying stars and how you were made of them.

“In seconds, and imagine this please,” he didn’t need to ask you twice, you were too enraptured in his voice to ignore the words, “the core goes from roughly 5,000 miles across to just about a dozen.”

You inhaled in fascination at the fact. You truly were surprised because Taehyung seemed to always have something new for you to learn, even after all these years.

“It’s almost like one of those strange time travel objects villains always seem to get in superhero movies. Things backfire and then suddenly everything is collapsing in on itself and the whole world is out of control. It’s kinda like that. The outer layers collapse, along with the core. They rebound with the release of energy and literally explode outwards. The amount of energy they release is beyond imagination.”

He spread all his fingers across the sky, palm to the stars he talked so lovingly about. The stars still shined by the hundreds, some brighter than others, and some you had to squint to see. His hand moved like a strange black creature moving across the sky, but you watched his graceful fingers move, pointing out things he was talking about and what it would look like there.

“From days to weeks, a supernova can outshine a galaxy. The subatomic particles are the array of colors you see, but they occur once every hundred years. About 25 or so are discovered a year in other galaxies, but they can’t be seen without a telescope.”

Glenn Miller’s ‘Moonlight Cocktail’ played quietly next to him on the blanket, making the moment that much more surreal. You wanted to create a bubble around this moment and stay in it, or revisit whenever you wanted. His hand, gentle on your arm and, despite your sweater, made your heart flutter a little every time he tightened his grip after being relaxed for a while. In turn, your grip on his sweater would tighten the slightest. He sighed now, resting in his explanation, as his hand settled on your hand. He held your fingers gently under his and his warmth was welcome.

“Thank you for doing this with me,” he whispered.

“I could do this forever.” You sighed contentedly; eyes closed as you listened to the music.

“I want that with you. Two lovers side by side together, two stars in the sky, dying out brilliantly in the end. Stargazing.”

And with the whisper of a kiss to your forehead, curls spilling across your skin, the two of you connected like twin stars, did just that.

Stargazed.

[researchercoffee]

hey coffee, if you could have one wish, what would it be?

Just a day to be normal. no powers. no seeing impossible shit. no disconnect. no managing of idle thoughts that could outright destroy everything without me conciously doing so. No seeing my entire, endless life at once while also going through it all. not know about what I am beyond myself. to be able to talk to someone and not feel like I'm going to accidentally break anything.

I wanna talk to my freinds face-to-face, but without knowing what the conversation will be, without feeling like I'm being squished into an impossibly small space just to interact with people.

To know what's around me is real, not a construct, not made by me, not changed by me.

To be able to play catch with my kid in the park, and not have all the stares. to be able to look more like a normal girl (im keeping that dammit) than something out of a body horror exibit. To be able to pat my pets, but not have them be connected to me by the waist. To have a heartbeat that I have to keep pumping myself at all times, so my body actually feels almost alive.

I want to walk to the fucking Starbucks down the street, order a fucking coffee with a side pastry, pay for it, have it delivered, eat and drink like a normal person, and LEAVE.

I want to remember things naturally. Be able to forget.

I want to be able to touch something, and be able to interact with it without treating it like the most fragile thing in the fucking universe. I wanna be able to hug someone, and be able to enjoy it. To not feel fucking everything happening everywhere all at once. To accidentally get a papercut on my finger, and be able to worry about it instead of worrying about the saftey of your coworkers because your fucking blood is made of pure fucking infohazards. To not have to feel the weight of literally all of existance pressing on me, making me see everything, making me experiance it all, but not being able to do jack shit about most of it, because doing so would be so much worse. To be able to fucking EXIST without feeling like I am putting everyone in danger, that no powerful entity will try to find me and end up destroying everything I hold dear.

I want to be able to see someone without instantly seeing every single subatomic particle they're made of, memorizing it, and mentally copying the entire person into memory as a knee jerk reaction, because you're afraid you'll forget them too hard in your concious mind and have them be erased from existence.

To be able to go up to the person I have a fucking crush on, tell them I fucking love them, and actually get to Be with them.

I want to be able to go to my weird fucking job, see my short amazing gremlin bosses, sit at my spot I use in the break room instead of my office, and realize I forgot the paperwork in the office, and have to go back to grab it physically, before coming back. To be able to do some fucking paperwork myself, at my own real pace. To sip my coffee, savor the taste of it, and then get up to wash my cup and make another pot of coffee. I want to be able to drive back home to a house that I own due to the Foundation, chanve into casual clothes, and watch some fucking TV, and not know ANYTHING about it. To be able to actually feel sad and cry when I think the dog is in danger and wont make it. To have to clean up my mess of a face due to how hard I cried. To be able to order a pizza, and eat it, and nothing else. Not the box. not the bag. not soda bottle. I just want to eat a few slices of pizza a bite at a fucking time, and save the rest for leftovers because I'm too full to finish more then half of it.

To be able to actually taste my coffee in the morning.

I just. Want to feel real again. Just for a day. That's all.

[rain-droplet]

okay, so when I was little, like 6 years old, I was already a weird kid. I knew what mesons were in the first grade and was obsessed with everything science. by the time I was 8, I was asking for graphene for my birthday because I wanted to see how it worked. keep in mind that none of my family are scientists aside from my great grandfather who was a chemist and would swear in arabic at the news a lot.

now, most children don't know about subatomic hadronic or bosonic particles, much less ones made out of quarks and antiquarks, most adults don't know about them. I was so in love with science for so many years, until I hit a wall. I realized, when I was around 9, that we don't know how things work. I mean that we are unaware of how the universe started or how emptiness can expand or how particles can be entangled or where life came from or the nature of the most basic bits of the universe. maybe I was too young to understand all the theory and complexity, but what I did understand was that they were just theories, nothing concrete. I learned that tectonic plates were just theories, that our most comprehensive and stable "laws" in science, weren't even concrete, like how gravity might have particles that carry its force or it's caused by the bending of space time or why it even happens. we have really good theories, so good they're basically impossible to disprove, but they're not certain. why is light the fastest thing in the universe ? why does time center around its speed ? how can it be a particle and a wave ? well the answer is it's not, no more than a train is both a house and a horse. this kind of thing destroyed me as a kid because there weren't answers, just a lot of oversimplifications, guesses, theories, and arguments. schrödinger's cat was a joke about how stupid quantum super position is, and it's given to us as a lesson about how quantum mechanics works with a straight face. since then, the uncertainty principle has basically been disproven as a test conducted gave us more information about a particle's position and velocity than the uncertainty principle predicted was possible. what do you do after all your life you've been looking for answers and you find that even the smartest people in the world call quantum entanglement "spooky" and can't explain it ? I couldn't understand any more about how things worked in the world because people don't have a comprehensive and unified answer to those questions. I couldn't certainly learn more specifics, but I hit a wall and no amount of comprehension would give me answers to questions about why and how our universe works in its most elementary and basic level, it couldn't give me answers no one else had. so I moved on.

science will always interest me, and there is an infinite amount more to learn and so many holes in my understanding that if you drew it out, my brain would look like a fucked up fishing net, but there weren't answers to the questions I had.

so, I tried code

I thought if I could make my own worlds and understand them, I could understand our world better, find the truths there by exploring something I created, rather than something that created me. also, I wanted to bring joy to the people I'd make these things for. so I made some games, from basic text based turn based games to vr shooters, but I couldn't make something intricate enough to gain the understanding I wanted or the joy I wanted to bring, without dozens of not hundreds of people and/or years and years of time and effort little teen me didn't have to offer.

so, after years of science to computer science to making games, I found that stories can cause the most change out of anything in this world, at least to people. I gave up on making sense of things and decided to work to bring other sorts of answers, and more importantly questions, to other people. this was after I had a phase of really wanting to help through pure psychological study and intervention.

In doing so, reading and writing, I found that stories are the answer to how things work. well, not stories, but humans perceive things, right ? that's our only contact with the world. take away your senses and the world is gone. particles could just not exist for all we know if our brains just decided to make us observe them. so, I found that perception and communication and feeling and senses and stories make up everything so much more completely than particles do. so eventually I started writing, did 100 pages of a story in 3 weeks. it wasn't amazing, but it certainly was great for my experience and allotted time. so, now my insane hyperfixation is a concept of communication and language and feelings and people and story and songs and creation and lies and love and characterization and philosophy and truth and art and color that I can't even describe directly. I'd have to write a book that would allude to this thing just to kind of convey what it is. so, I went from insane, absolutely not normal, child who loved science, to now equally insane, yet far more controlled, individual who loves loves loves all forms of art and portrayals and stories and people. so now my interests seem less conjoined so I just seem like a very weird, eclectic, person rather than a hyperfixated one, which I blame on quantum physics. made it a lot harder to get diagnosed with brain not normal than it should have been

I'll rant about this later but I think quantum physics ruined me