#i fucking hate summer and the fact that it will only get worse makes me think that my younger self was right - i should have ended it at 20

[elnotwoods]

if one additional hoe tells me they’re excited about summer i will kill someone and then walk into the motherfucking traffic

[andragoras-in-vanity]

remember being a teen and watching shit like soul eater and kimono jihen and thinking god damn i wish I had a perpetually exhausted but badass mentor to help me get through things?

well now im 27 and im the perpetually exhausted mentor with bedhead and a slight alcohol problem to my 15 year old cousin and im gonna tear my hair out about not being able to just let her stay for a bit because i know it doesnt matter fuck all what i say to her dad, shes still gonna be treated like shit just because shes a moody teen with undiagnosed add and an autustic brother who constantly talks over everyone. i suddenly need a cigarette.

[sanakiras]

TIDAL WAVE OF LOVE

PAIRING — choi seungcheol x reader

WORD COUNT — 1.3k

SYNOPSIS — even the strongest of people break sometimes. you’re used to hiding your feelings; your boyfriend is there for you when everything gets too much.

TAGS — angst, self-esteem issues, fear of failure, mc has a bit of a breakdown :(( but also a lil comfort

NOTE — cleaning out the drafts! this is wayyyy shorter than my usual works but i still felt like posting it <3 i had a very stressful semester in uni before the summer break and i came across this video on twt of coups giving wonwoo a little comforting squeeze which i found very endearing sooo that kinda became the inspo for this!

the moment he calls out a greeting to you from his kitchen, you close your eyes for a moment. it would’ve probably been wiser to have gone home instead of his place.

you greet him the same way, hoping he doesn’t hear the crack in your voice.

“how was your day?” he asks you once he’s returned to the living room, giving you a kiss.

you press your lips together. “fine. nothing special.”

the first thing he notices is the lack of eye contact you make with him. you’re also being considerably less touchy with him than usual, which he finds strange.

“everything okay?”

“yeah.” you put up a smile that doesn’t appear genuine in the slightest.

he figures you could just be in a bad mood — but that doesn’t seem to be the case.

he knows for a fact that it’s not with the way you’re trying real hard to hide your face from him. you only do that when you’re upset about something.

���baby, talk to me.”

“about what?”

the response comes out snappier than you meant it to. you two have been together quite a while — so he’s come to know that you tend to get a little colder and distant before the dam breaks.

you look at him so briefly to the point where he’d miss the motion if he blinked. the expression equals a silent apology.

of course he always does his best to give you whatever space you need. that being said, he’s also come to know you get into your own head a lot, and sometimes there’s someone who needs to pull you out of it.

you bite your lip in a pathetic attempt to hold back your tears. “it’s fine, cheol, just let it go.”

“well, i care about you, sweetheart. what’s going on?” he’s persistent but gentle about it. you have a habit of keeping your feelings to yourself and hardly ever letting anything out, which leads to everything just piling up and making things worse.

“i don’t wanna talk about it.”

the lump in your throat begins to rise.

“i can see that, but you’ve clearly got something you need off your chest. are you okay?”

you don’t show anyone when something’s wrong unless they mention it first. and even when they do, you’re hesitant.

it’s an exhausting way to live, but you still choose to do so.

it’s one of the reasons why you hate crying. your glossy eyes always betray you.

then you make — what you consider to be — the mistake of looking into his big, worried eyes once more, and you just completely fall apart in front of him.

the tears begin to flow before you can even comprehend it.

“it’s just—god, i don’t even know why i’m so fucking emotional, i just—” your breath shudders, the mildly angry expression that was previously on your face now nowhere to be found, “everything’s been so stressful recently, and i’m scared i won’t pass my classes, and i feel like such a slow learner compared to everyone else—”

he’s rubbing your back, just allowing you to you let everything out. he keeps quiet.

“i feel fucking fragile. and weak. every little thing is just too much right now. i’m sorry, i feel stupid.”

he lets you cry into his chest as his arms are wrapped around you, one hand softly rubbing the back of your head. “don’t feel stupid, baby. you can vent to me, always.”

the sound of your heavy sobs hurt him, because he feels like you’re always so hard on yourself, but he’s glad you’re releasing them. it’s healthier to let it all out than to keep it in.

“it’s just like i can’t breathe, y’know?” you mutter in the crook of his neck, subconsciously wetting his shirt with your tears, “i can’t take a single break ‘cause i’ll fall behind. i’m so tired. i feel like i’m not even smart enough to take the damn course, let alone pass the fucking test—”

once he feels like you’re about to start hyperventilating, he moves back to let him look at you. “long breaths. you’re okay, just breathe with me.”

he purposefully takes long, deep breaths, counting the seconds out loud to guide you, and it works. your breathing is steadying bit by bit, sobs faltering, melting into soft hiccups and numbness.

with dried tears and a slightly hoarse voice, you let out a sigh. “i just hate feeling so incompetent. for once, i’d love to feel smart. i wanna feel like i’m able to keep up as well as everyone else does, y’know? i’m… i’m procrastinating everything and i don’t know how to change it. it all sucks.”

“it’s not easy, baby. don’t be too hard on yourself.” he presses a swift kiss to your skin, and you hold him tighter, as if he were to slip out of your hold if you didn’t.

“it’s not easy for me. it is for them.”

“there’s nothing wrong with that. would you think differently if someone in your class had to put more effort into passing the course? you wouldn’t, right? because at the end of the day, you both make it to the finish line. that’s what matters.”

deep down, you know he has a point. you put the pressure so high on yourself, yet don’t apply the same logic to your peers.

you don’t really understand why.

“and you say it’s easy for them, but i know for sure that they put more effort into it than you might think. trust me. you’ll get to where you want to be, one way or another. if you take a little longer to do that than a classmate, who cares. it’s your life. i know you’ve worked so hard—” he twirls a strand of your hair between his fingers, “even if you don’t pass that class now, it won’t be the end of the world, and there’ll be another chance. you’ll get there.”

now there’s just a few last tears running down your cheeks. “except i’m worried that i won’t.”

“you will. and once you do, you’ll be happy that you got to that point because you worked hard and deserve that success. if not today, then tomorrow. yeah?”

you take a deep breath, exhaling slowly, the last shudders of your breakdown bubbling to the surface as your heart rate finally slows back to normal. “yeah. thank you.”

to show your gratitude, you give him a hug, which he happily embraces, pressing a kiss to your cheek.

“anytime. i’m here for you.”

even the strongest of people break — but they can still pick up the pieces and start over.

do your best (but maybe not sometimes) <3

® SANAKIRAS — do not repost, remake or copy my work in any way whatsoever. translations are not allowed.

[kwanisms]

Kinktober 「10:24」 — l.jihoon

» seventeen menu | woozi menu | kinktober masterlist «

➮ yuki-otoko!Jihoon × fem!Reader wc: 3.4k summary: As a snow demon, Jihoon can’t stand the heat and takes to staying in his apartment he shares with his roommate, Y/N. When the AC breaks down, Jihoon asks Y/N for help in keeping him cool. genres/themes/au: smut; supernatural, horror, thriller, roommates to lovers; non idol au, roommate au, monster idol au warnings: adult dialogue, female reader, supernatural and horror themes, roommates; sexual content (18+ mdni), see smut warnings under the cut! taglist has been moved to reblogs join my taglists! kinktober taglist is CLOSED! Strikethrough means I cannot tag you.  MINORS WILL BE BLACKLISTED & BLOCKED. AGELESS BLOGS WILL ALSO BE BLOCKED.

a/n: this was a LOT of fun to write. I enjoyed the ice aspect of it. It’s not heavy on the spitting but it is there lol it’s more heavy on the temperature play and now I wanna tie Jihoon down to my bed and tease him with ice cubes. Hehe anyway, thank you for reading! If you liked this, please consider reblogging and supporting my ko-fi, linked on my pinned post! As always, this is a work of fiction and all characters are not reflective of their respective irl counterparts. for entertainment purposes only.

smut warnings: teratophilia (aka monsterfucking), temperature play (m receiving), spitting (m receiving. Yeah, I know. That’s different haha), oral (m receiving), unprotected sex (don’t do dis), use of pet names (hers: baby, sweetheart, angel, etc. his: babe, baby, Hoonie, etc.), that should be everything but I might have missed some. Let me know if I did! kinks: Temperature play + spitting dialogue prompt: ❛❛ What? Does that feel good? ❜❜

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Jihoon let out a grumbled curse as he hit the hard plastic casing of the AC unit once more, as if that would magically make the blasted thing function. It rumbled for a moment before sputtering and dying, all the cool air blowing from the vent ceasing in an instant. He let out a groan of frustration as he stepped down from the step ladder.

“Stupid, fucking, thing,” he mumbled as he picked up the ladder, folded it, and put it away.

It was October and while most of the time, the world around him was starting to cool, summer was holding on, its claws embedded as he tried to stick out for as long as possible. Jihoon hated the summer. The unbearable heat, the unrelenting sun beating down on the world, scorching everything in its path. He hated all of it.

Which is why he was thankful for the fact he worked from home and hardly ever had to leave the apartment. He was even able to order the groceries online when you, his roommate, weren’t able to pick them up after work.

Jihoon walked into his room, grabbing one of the small hand held fans he kept in case of emergencies and turning it on, sighing as the fan whirred to life, blasting him with a small breeze. He started a search through the apartment, gathering every single fan he could find. He was on a mission.

Summer had been unbearably hot this year, the heat rising up near the hundreds almost daily. The humidity was no help, sitting comfortably in the eighty to ninety percent range, making it not only scorchingly hot but sweltering. And if you were dying, you could only image how the heat was affecting your roommate.

Jihoon was not accustomed to such high temperatures, having come from a very cold climate and built to withstand sub zero extremes. He always had a hard time with the summer but this season had been particularly hard on him and he had spent most, if not all, of his time in the apartment, unable to leave because of the extreme heat.

And you knew it was about to get worse. 

When you had woken up that morning, it was in a pool of your own sweat. The AC had stopped working and you only had your fan to cool you off which was not nearly enough. You tried to fix it yourself but you only had so much time to devote to your attempts before you had to get ready for work. Upon leaving, you left a note for Jihoon explaining that the AC was out and that you couldn’t fix it.

Upon arriving at work and after your morning meeting, you called the apartment complex manager, got transferred to maintenance and called in a work order. The woman answering the phone promised to put in the order and expedite it due to the climbing temperatures the coming weekend. You had sent a text to Jihoon, informing him of this and all you had received back was a sad frowning face.

As you finished up your work for the day, you checked your phone to find a few texts from your roommate. You checked them as you got onto the elevator, pressing the button for the lobby.

Hoon: i tried to fix it

Hoon: no luck )):

Hoon: it’s so hot ;^;

Hoon: i’m going to die

Hoon: help

You chuckled as you typed a response, letting him know you were on your way home and you would stop to get some ice cream on the way. You jokingly told him to stick his head in the freezer before slipping your phone into your purse as the elevator arrived at the lobby and you headed out the door onto the busy sidewalk.

The bus ride to the train station was uneventful and you were thankful to be out of the heat of the setting sun, underground where it was much cooler. The AC of the train didn’t even help with all the bodies crammed into the metal tube, heat radiating from one person to another. Upon arriving home, you were thankful for the AC in the lobby and elevator. Even the cool air of the hallway felt nice but entering your apartment, it felt awful.

You shut the door, turning to set your keys on the small table next to the door as you pulled your shoes off. Walking further into the room, you noticed the fans first and stared curiously at them. At least five fans were sitting in front of the couch. The three smaller desk ones sitting on the coffee table while two tower fans stood on either side, pointing directly at your roommate.

Jihoon looked like he was melting into the furniture, a small handheld fan in his hands pointed directly at his face. His brows furrowed, face twisted in what you could only assume to be agony. A thin layer of sweat coated his pale skin. He’d taken off most of his clothes, wearing only a white tank and a pair of gym shorts. “You look awful,” you scoffed as you leaned over, resting against the back of the couch.

His eyes fluttered open, head tilting back to look up at you. “I’m dying,” he croaked, his voice hoarse. You sighed, reaching down to feel his clammy skin. “You’re a little warm,” you said softly. “You want me to put a wet towel on your forehead?” you asked. He nodded weakly and you stood up straight, walking down the hall to the linen closet, grabbing a washcloth and walking back to the kitchen, turning on the cold water tap.

Once coating the cloth and wringing out most of the liquid, you returned to the couch, folding the cloth in half before setting it on Jihoon’s forehead. He let out a sigh of relief, eyes shut as he basked in the cool feeling of the wet cloth against his skin. “Have you tried taking a cold shower?” you asked, leaning against the couch again. Jihoon nodded. “Yeah,” he answered. “Twice!”

You clicked your tongue, reaching down to brush his dark hair back. “I need an ice bath,” he murmured as you stroked his hair. “If you had said something, I would have gotten a bag of ice from the convenience store on the corner.” You perked up, standing suddenly. “Speaking of…”

You walked over to the black plastic bag and pulled out two boxes of Melona, moving to the freezer to put both boxes away. You tore open one, grabbing a popsicle and shut the door before returning to the couch. “Here,” you said, holding the frozen treat out for Jihoon. His eyes opened halfway and he reached out for the popsicle. “You’re an angel,” he murmured as he gave you a weak smile.

“Have I ever told you that?” he asked. You shook your head, resisting the urge to smirk. “Well,” he said, tearing open the wrapper. “You are.” He opened his mouth, placing the frozen melon treat on his tongue, humming contentedly. “I’m gonna go shower,” you announced. “Did you take my fan, too?” you asked, glancing at the fans in front of him. He shook his head.

“No,” he replied, removing the popsicle from his mouth, licking his lips. “I left yours alone.” You patted his head before heading down the hall to your room, pushing open the door to find like he said, your fan was sitting in its usual place. You shut the door, moving to your bathroom to strip and get into the shower. You turned on the stream, stepping under it before it even heated up, enjoying the cold water against your hot skin.

You rushed through your shower, keeping the water warm enough to wash yourself but not scalding like you normally liked it. Once finished, you stepped out, drying off and pulling on clean clothes. A pair of shorts and a lightweight tank top. You headed back into the living room to find Jihoon hadn’t moved an inch. His popsicle had been consumed and he was breathing slowly as he basked in the fan generated winds.

You shook your head, moving to get a bowl from the cabinet. Jihoon perked up as you moved about the kitchen, peeking up over the back of the couch as you moved to the sink. You turned on the faucet, filling the bowl halfway before turning it off and heading to the fridge, opening the freezer and scooping some of the ice out into the bowl. 

You started back towards your room and noticed him peering at you over the back of the sofa. “You good?” you asked, raising a brow. He shook his head. “What’s that?” he asked, lifting his head more to see the bowl in your hands. “It’s an old trick,” you replied. “I’ll show you,” you added as you started for your room, stopping to look back at him.

“Bring the fans.”

Jihoon followed you, carrying the two tower fans with him to your room. You set up a stool from your vanity with the bowl on it near the bed before setting the fans up behind it, facing the fans towards the bowel and turning them on high. “Lay down.” you instructed. Jihoon climbed onto your bed, laying across it. You joined him and smiled as he sighed.

“The fan blows across the cool air that settles on the surface of the ice water and blows it out. It’s something we used to do when I was a kid. We didn’t have AC when I was growing up,” you explained. “It’s really nice,” he murmured.

The two of you lay there in silence, eyes shut as you enjoyed the cool air. Jihoon soon started to squirm and you opened your eyes, turning your head to look at him. “What’s wrong?” you asked. He sighed and turned to look at you. “It’s nice, don’t get me wrong,” he said softly. “But it’s not enough.”

You glanced at the bowl of ice and then back to Jihoon before an idea popped into your head. “Wait here,” you said as you got up, walking into your bathroom and returning with a towel. Jihoon watched as you placed the towel down on your bed. “Lay on the towel,” you instructed. He got up with a groan and started to move as you walked around to where the bowl of ice sat. 

“And take your shirt off.”

Jihoon froze, turning his gaze to look at you as you pulled the stool closer to the bed. “Take my shirt off?” he asked, watching you with wide eyes. You nodded. “Trust me,” you said as you sat on the edge of the bed, the stool with the bowl of ice between your thighs. Jihoon hesitated before slipping his shirt off and setting it aside. “Lay down,” you told him. He did as you said, laying on his back.

You dipped your hand into the bowl, scooping up one of the ice cubes and turned to Jihoon, placing it against his skin. He let out a gasp which turned quickly into a sigh. “Feel better?” you asked. He nodded wordlessly, licking his lips as you started to run the ice all over his chest, first across his collar bones and then down his sternum to his stomach.

You could see the beads of water rolling down his skin to the towel under him. The ice cube melted pretty quickly and you soon grabbed another, sliding it over his skin, up to his neck, letting it pool slightly before running it along his shoulders until it too melted. You continued this, going through a few ice cubes. “How do you feel?” you asked as you grabbed a smaller cube, popping it into your mouth.

“G-good,” Jihoon said, swallowing thickly. As you grabbed another ice cube, you noticed the slight bulge in his pants. Raising a brow, you turned back to look at his face. “Someone’s getting a little excited,” you said with a hint of amusement. Jihoon’s eyes opened and he glanced down, quickly covering himself with his hands. “S-sorry,” he muttered.

You smiled slyly. “Don’t be,” you said simply as you brushed another frozen cube over his skin, paying special attention to his chest, dragging the ice around one nipple before moving to the other. He let out a soft groan, eyes fluttering shut as you continued to tease him with the frozen water. “Y/N,” he moaned softly as you pressed the ice against his skin, placing your palm over it and sliding it around, drops of water rolling down his skin as you guided your hand lower and lower until the ice was gone.

You grabbed another cub, pressing against his stomach with your hand, sliding lower and lower until your fingers worked under the waistband of his shorts. Jihoon’s eyes snapped open and he met your gaze. “Do you want me to stop?” you asked softly. He shook his head, holding your gaze.

Without taking your eyes off him, you slipped your hand into his shorts, finding him completely without underwear as you guided the ice down his groin. Jihoon let out a groan as your hand pushed the ice down to his cock, finding it already completely hard. “S-sorry about this,” Jihoon whispered as you let the ice melt at the base of his cock. “Don’t apologize,” you said as you grabbed another ice cube with your free hand, popping it into your mouth again.

You pulled your hand out, sticking your hand into the ice water for a few seconds before pulling it out and slipped your hand back into his shorts, your cold hand wrapping around the shaft of his cock. Jihoon groaned, hips bucking slightly. “What?” you asked, sounding slightly condescending. “Does that feel good?” you cooed. Jihoon nodded, biting into his bottom lip as your hand started to stroke him slowly.

You grabbed another ice cube, popping it into your mouth and climbed onto the bed, moving to kneel beside him. “What’re you doing?” Jihoon asked as you grabbed the waistband of his shorts and tugged them down. This was crossing so many lines but at this point, neither you nor Jihoon could be bothered to care. He lifted his hips as you tugged his shorts down, freeing his cock.

You wrapped your hands around him again. You glanced up at him before taking his cock into your mouth. The ice had melted already but your tongue had a lingering coolness to it and it made Jihoon groan as his head fell back, your head sinking down as you took more and more of his cock into your mouth. “Fuck, baby,” he gasped, his hand resting on the back of your head.

“Feels so good.”

You pulled back, letting his cock fall from your mouth. You moved to grab another ice cube, popping it into your mouth under your tongue before taking Jihoons cock back into your mouth. He let out a guttural moan as your head bobbed, your cold spit dribbling down his shaft. “F-ah. Holy shit!” he groaned as your tongue shifted, the ice under it slipping out and pressing against his cock.

Jihoon bucked his hips, thrusting up into your mouth and hitting the back of your mouth. “Don’t stop, god please don’t stop,” he groaned as you pulled off him, grabbing another ice cube before taking him back into your mouth. You slid the ice over his abdomen, enjoying the way his muscles twitched. You glided the ice down past his cock, pressing it to the base of the underside of his cock, beads of cold water rolling down past his balls.

He bucked again, his cock making you gagged but you made no attempt to move back instead letting him set a steady pace, thrusting shallowly into your mouth while you let the ice trail over his skin. “F-fucking hell. M’gonna cum if you keep doing that!” he gasped. You pulled back, tongue swirling around the tip of his cock as you let the ice finish melting.

“You wanna cum in my mouth or inside me?” you asked, your voice low and seductive. “Inside you, please,” he begged, his hand moving to the back of your neck. “C’mere,” he added as he pulled you towards him. You crawled over him, letting your tongue run up his stomach and chest before he pulled you into a sloppy kiss.

You pulled back, tugging your shirt off over your head and then shimmying out of your shorts and underwear. You grabbed two more ice cubes, popping one into your mouth as you straddled his lap. Jihoon grabbed his cock, lining it up with your slit as you hovered over him. “Wait shouldn’t I — oh fuck!” he gasped as you lowered yourself down onto his cock, sinking it into your cunt.

Once his cock was nestled inside your walls, you pressed the other ice cube against his chest. His hands moved to your hips, eyes rolling back as you started to move slowly, rolling your hips as you glided the ice over his skin. “Oh fuck that feels so good,” he groaned, hips bucking slightly as you rode him at your own pace.

You leaned over to grab another cube, popping it into your mouth and letting it melt on your tongue. Once it was gone, you leaned over, hips continued to roll as you grinded against Jihoon. His cock throbbed and twitched inside you as he matched your movements, thrusting up into you.

“Open your mouth,” you whispered, grabbing him by the jaw. He hesitated before obliging, parting his lips. You surprised him by spitting into his mouth quickly before kissing him roughly. It was much different than he was used to but with all the ice cubes you had let melt into your mouth, he would let you do anything if it meant you’d keep using the ice cubes.

His grip on your hips tightened, nails digging into your skin. “M’close,” he groaned against your lips. You grabbed another cube from the bowl, most of it water by this point. “Open your mouth,” you whispered, pushing the cube past his lips when he parted them. Your lips met his, tongue slipping into his mouth, making the ice cube swirl around his mouth.

You change the roll of your hips for lifting them, bouncing on his cock and driving you both towards the edge. “M’gonna cum,” he groaned against your lips. “Do it,” you urged. “Cum inside me.” Jihoon devolved into a series of curses, moans, and whimpers as he chased his high, hips rutting up to meet yours as he tumbled over the edge, his cum releasing into your walls until it started to spill out of you.

Your walls spasmed around him as you came, moaning against his lips as your hips started to falter. Jihoon held you in place as he thrusted up into you, riding out both your highs until he finally stilled, letting you sink down on his spent cock, his cum dripping out of your abused hole.

You let out a sigh, collapsing onto his chest as you tried to steady your breathing. Jihoon’s hand rested on your back, fingers trailing up and down your spine as he stared up at the ceiling. “That was…” you trailed off, searching for the right word. “Incredible,” Jihoon finished your sentence. “That was fucking incredible.”

You lifted your head, meeting his gaze, a smile spread across your face before you both broke into laughter. Your laughter lasted a few minutes as the reality of your situation settled on you.

“So,” Jihoon said, moving a hand to the back of your neck. “Where does this leave us?” he asked. You shrugged. “Where do you want it to leave us?” you responded with your own question. Jihoon’s other hand moved to cup your cheek, eyes dipping to your lips as he brushed over them with his thumb. “I kind of want to make this a regular thing,” he muttered. “Especially if we include the ice.”

You pressed a chaste kiss to the bad of his thumb. “Well,” you replied, pushing his hand back and leaning in to kiss his lips. “The AC won’t be fixed until tomorrow,” you reminded him as you reached up to brush his hair back off his forehead. “So we have the rest of the day.” 

A smile spread across Jihoon’s face. “You want to go again?” he asked. You nodded as you pushed yourself up. “Can you grab a new towel?” you asked as you climbed off him and off the bed entirely. “Where are you going?” he asked as he sat up, watching you grab the bowl from the stool. You turned to look at him as you moved towards the door.

“We need more ice.”

©️ kwanisms 2024 | all works on this blog are protected under copyright. Do not repost, continue, or translate my works. All graphics made by me.

[ohbueckers]

TWO CAN PLAY THAT GAME. i just wanna get to know you, guess i didn’t quite think it through.

CHAPTER TWO! pairing, paige bueckers x fem!oc. notes, thank you guys for all the love on the first part!!! it only made me more excited for this rollercoaster fr... here’s part two 🫦 not proofread… warnings, injury and the angst with that!

july, 2022

it had been a few weeks since sana’s first practice, and things had shifted between her and paige—though not entirely for the better or worse.

the sun had been setting over the outdoor court. it was one of those perfect summer nights where the heat had finally loosened its grip and mellowed to something more bearable. the team had migrated outside because the gym’s ac was busted, and this hangout—just a casual run, really—felt different. lighter. less pressure.

azzi had brought a speaker, blasting music that set the tone for the evening. most of the girls had left to grab pizza and bring it back, but a few stayed behind, shooting around, lounging on the benches, laughing and talking.

sana had blended in perfectly with the huskies these past few weeks, getting along especially well with nika, azzi, and caroline. nika, in particular, had taken a liking to her no-nonsense attitude, and let’s just say practice was a pain in the ass for their coaches when they weren’t entirely focused. when nika made a joke, sana was always there to back it up, making it ten times funnier. you can also say that paige caught most of these strays.

the rest of the team seemed to quickly hop on the sana train themselves. she was a perfectionist in a way that wasn’t overbearing, and it was why her game was so good in the first place. she made everyone around her better by just being herself, and it showed. but even so, she’d built rapport with most of them, save for one notable exception.

paige bueckers, of course.

paige, who had spent the last few weeks vacillating between subtle irritation and begrudging respect when it came to sana. there were moments where she’d find herself looking and wondering why she couldn’t just relax, couldn’t just click with her the way she did with everyone else. if it wasn’t exactly hate, then what was it?

they weren’t at each other’s throats, in fact, the first day of practice was probably as hostile as it had ever gotten between them. sana was mature enough to the point where she wouldn’t let it get that far, but always pushed it borderline to the edge. every interaction was like a test, some back-and-fourth exchange that only left paige to think what the fuck sana even meant by what she’d just said, because she swore there was some bigger meaning.

the first few weeks had been like that. testing boundaries. sana with her measured responses, and paige with her quick retorts and lingering glances in which she always denied, kinda like right now.

paige was standing near the sideline, pretending to dribble aimlessly while keeping a very subtle eye on sana, who had moved to grab a drink of water at the other end of the court. it was unintentional—at least that’s what she told herself—but her eyes always seemed to find their way back to her, no matter where she was.

the blonde found herself noticing other things, things she had no business noticing for the amount of times she’s actually had a conversation with the girl that didn’t include some type of jab. the way sana’s smile tilted just a bit when she was being sarcastic, the way her eyes narrowed slightly when she was focused. paige hated that she noticed those things—hated that sana was in her head at all.

nika, who had been watching the whole thing with a growing smirk, sauntered over to paige, draping an arm over her shoulders. “you know, if you’re gonna keep staring, at least make it less obvious.”

paige elbowed her in the side, pushing the brunette off of her with a smug smirk. “you can shut up.”

nika stumbled back dramatically, clutching her side as if paige had actually hurt her. “damn, alright!” she laughed, tossing her ponytail behind her head. “but seriously, i thought this was just a first day thing. shouldn’t the transfer aftershock be well over by now?”

paige rolled her eyes, licking her lips as more of a habit than necessity as she began dribbling the basketball again. she kept her head down, focusing on the sound against the pavement as she passed from hand to hand, sliding the ball between her legs a few times too. “there’s nothing to get over.”

“sure, sure,” nika said, her grin wide, as if she didn’t believe a single word. her eyes flicked between paige and the far end of the court, where sana had just finished downing half a water bottle, her shoulders rising and falling. she then looked at azzi, who had been making her way back over from messing with the songs on her playlist.

of course her best friend had noticed too.

“wait, what are we talking about? paige and sana?” azzi threw out as if she’d been dying to talk about it for a hot minute. “because you have got a terrible poker face,” the curly-haired girl pointed at paige, the comment sending nika into a fit of snickers that had her hunching over.

paige’s head whipped to her. “nah, you can chill too,” she said, pointing at azzi with mock exasperation. “and it’s not that funny,” paige deadpanned, although she couldn’t bite back her smirk for the life of her.

nika straightened up, giving paige a faux serious look as she tilted her head back thoughtfully. “okay, sure you don’t wanna tell her how good she looks in navy?”

and well, it only made the blonde more upset that she did indeed look too good in that damn navy workout tee.

“i ain’t even lookin’ at her like that,” paige said, too defensive way too quickly. she punctuated her response with a cheesy grin, the type she used to play it cool while her insides were knotting up.

“really? cause you’ve got that whole wistful longing look on lock down.” nika gave her a look herself, a long one that made the blonde semi-uncomfortable. the brunette was reading her to filth, but paige had came to the conclusion awhile ago that nothing could happen if the feelings weren’t reciprocated. nothing would happen.

“wistful?” paige stared, shaking her head. “she hates me.”

nika raised her eyebrows, jerking her head back. “oh! so you’re saying you’d crush if she didn’t hate you?”

paige huffed out a laugh, scrunching her face up as she let the ball roll to a stop under her foot. “crush is actually crazy, nika.”

“eh, not entirely,” azzi chimed in, her eyes gleaming with that ‘i see you’ look. nika practically jumped for joy at the backup, like it was a victory to have someone else on her side. clearly, she wasn’t the only one who’d noticed.

paige groaned internally, feeling cornered and slightly taken aback. “y’all think i have no self-control? we’re teammates.”

nika crossed her arms, smirking. “i’m praying that you do.”

paige paused for a second, brain tripping over nika’s words. that’s what everyone thought, right? that they were just teammates, that the line couldn’t be crossed. she kept telling herself that too—telling herself that all these games, all the heat, and tension between her and sana would eventually fizzle out because it had to. because it was supposed to.

“let’s be real for a second,” azzi said, looking down as she searched for the right words. she had a ball tucked underneath her arm. “if anything did happen between y’all—and i’m not saying it will—” she shot paige a pointed look, one that told her to not get defensive and cut her off. “—it’d throw the whole team off balance.”

“i know!” the blonde cut in, her voice sharper than she meant it to be. “but that’s not even on the table. nothing’s gonna happen.” she felt like she was convincing herself more than anyone else.

nika shrugged. “i mean, you say that now, but feelings are weird. and they don’t care about what’s allowed.”

paige stayed quiet for a second, turning over the idea. they don’t care about what’s allowed. feelings don’t care about what you’ve got going on, they just seep their way in.

she knew the rules, of course—both the ones the coaching staff had laid out and the unspoken ones. she couldn’t let this thing, whatever it was, turn into more. it wasn’t just about her or sana. it was about the team. the season. the future. the problem was that knowing that didn’t make the tension between them any less real. or maybe it was all in her head.

they don’t care about what’s allowed.

just as paige was about to respond, sana, oblivious—or pretending to be—was making her way back over to the group, the lazy saunter in her step practically designed to test paige’s patience. she straightened up instinctively, breathing in all straight-faced as she leaned over to pick up the ball from the ground.

“i brought friends,” she announced, caroline and ice stalking behind her. “what are you guys so serious about?” sana then asked, her eyes shifting between nika and azzi before landing on paige, as if her comment was more directed at the blonde. the question felt a little too casual, like sana had noticed how much less at ease paige was compared to just a few moments ago before she’d left.

“uh,” paige cleared her throat, shifting her weight from one foot to the other, feeling uncharacteristically off-balance. “we were just…talkin’ about the team.”

nika stared at her friend in actual disbelief. she was stuttering, and normally she’d jump to make fun of her for it, but she wanted to observe how this would play out. her answer was vague, sure, but it was the best she could come up with on the spot. paige wasn’t used to being caught off guard, especially not by sana. their interactions—when they did happen—were usually trash talk that was easy to brush off in the moment but lingered with her long after. but right now, there was something about sana’s direct attention that had her fumbling.

meanwhile, sana caught the hesitation in paige’s voice. she tilted her head ever so slightly, her smirk growing a little wider. paige stuttering? that was a first.

paige never stuttered.

ice broke the brief silence with a laugh. “are we playin’ or what?”

paige, determined to regain her footing, grinned and stepped back, dribbling the ball lazily between her legs as she walked backward. her eyes stayed locked on sana’s, her confidence slowly returning. “we’ll start,” she said, her voice a little lower now, challenging. “just don’t be mad when i drop 30 on you.”

sana’s smirk didn’t falter. she strolled closer, her hands clasped behind her back. “oh, you think you’re actually gonna score on me? i didn’t even know you had jokes like that.”

paige scrunched her face up, half from the setting sun taking over her eyesight, and half in disbelief. “i got more than just jokes,” she shot back, continuing to walk backward, her grin widening as she bounced the ball from hand to hand. “you ready to see?”

“i’m ready for you to see,” sana countered. her eyes moved down to the ball for a second before rising to meet paige’s again. then maybe to her perfectly parted pink lips, but then to her eyes again. “you’ll be the one sitting down after this.”

azzi, watching the scene unfold alongside everyone else, couldn’t hold back any longer. “double meaning,” she muttered under her breath, making nika nearly lose it beside her, biting her lip to keep from laughing too loudly.

sana’s gaze briefly moved toward azzi, catching the comment even though it was quiet. for a split second, her confident smirk faltered, and she narrowed her eyes at paige. “what were you talking about before i came back?” she asked, and the blonde should’ve known sana of all people would ask even if she had the slightest feeling it was about her. she was confrontational.

paige felt the shift immediately, recognizing that azzi’s offhand comment had landed. but instead of backing down, she kept her cool, though her heart was beating a little faster. “nothin’ you can’t handle,” she replied, her tone smug as she kept dribbling.

sana paused, tilting her head as she always did as if she was trying to piece everything together. “you guys talking about me?”

paige hesitated for half a second, barely noticeable to anyone except herself. “paranoid?”

“curious.”

paige licked her lips, holding her ground. “i said it was nothin’ you can’t handle, remember?”

sana’s smirk shifted, becoming a little sharper as she moved just close enough to make her presence felt. “right,” she said slowly, as if she didn’t believe her. “just wondering if i’m that interesting.”

the blonde’s eyes narrowed, fingers tightening around the basketball. “only when you talk too much.” she smiled, a wide one that left sana actually laughing as she pushed at her shoulder with two hands.

“shut up.”

paige stumbled back slightly, more out of performance than anything else, her grin never faltering. “you love to hate me, don’t you?”

sana blinked, clearly thrown, and for a moment paige had thought she’d pushed too far. crossed some invisible line she couldn’t quite see. but what she wasn’t ready for was the simple, almost quiet reply that followed. in fact, sana cursed herself for how vulnerable she sounded, that her mind felt the need to make it known to paige.

“i don’t hate you.”

and well, paige was thrown too.

august, 2022

you could’ve asked paige bueckers two weeks ago where she’d be today, right now, and it would be nowhere along the lines of sitting hopelessly in her bed with a torn acl injury. two weeks ago, she was at practice, thinking about championships, the first game all the way in november, and how invincible they’d be this season. two weeks ago, everything made sense.

now, nothing did.

she stared at the ceiling, the weight of the brace on her knee acting like a reminder she couldn’t shake off. the ache wasn’t just physical—it was deep, gnawing at her, like she’d lost a part of herself. this wasn’t supposed to happen. not to her. and now, she couldn’t even walk without wincing.

her phone vibrated with a text from her mom, the same encouraging words she’d gotten since the surgery: “you’re strong, paige. you’ll get through this.”

she knew her family meant well, but the truth was, they weren’t here. they weren’t the ones stuck in this room, feeling like the walls were closing in. they weren’t the ones who had to deal with the brutal reality of an injury that would change everything. they came through, sure—reassured her, gave her hugs, gifts, and pep talks, but then they left. they had lives to return to, jobs, obligations. paige was left here, marooned on campus, staring at a future she couldn’t control.

she hadn’t even been able to bring herself to watch the replay of the moment it happened. the wrong landing, the sharp twist, the way she knew immediately that something was off. the doctor’s words played on a loop in her head: “it’s a torn acl, paige. you’re gonna need surgery.” it was like they were speaking in slow motion, but time sped up so quickly after that. surgery dates just days after, recovery plans, the end of everything she’d been working for—at least for the season, maybe more.

how did this happen so fast?

she let out a breath, reaching for the bottle of water on her bedside table. caroline had been a constant, at least. she’d stuck around, even when she could’ve gone home to her family, to summer plans that didn’t involve taking care of her friend. the blonde was grateful, but there was a part of her that felt…resentful. she didn’t want to be anyone’s burden, and yet, here she was.

the door creaked open, and paige looked up, expecting caroline to walk in with her usual easy smile. but it wasn’t caroline.

it was sana.

paige’s brows furrowed. she didn’t expect to see her until practices started up again, let alone here, on campus, in the middle of summer. her hair was braided into two neat french braids, her skin glowing like she hadn’t just been dealing with whatever hell life had thrown at her.

“sana… what’re you doing here?” paige asked, more bluntly than she intended. there was a part of her that didn’t trust this—sana showing up out of nowhere, like she cared. she’d checked in alongside the rest of the team, yes, but to show up? it was an entirely different story.

sana shrugged, her usual confidence slightly muted. “i thought i’d check in.” she didn’t sit down, didn’t drop her bag. she lingered near the doorway, like she wasn’t sure if she should stay.

paige stared at her, suddenly a little self-conscious that sana had been seeing her like this, her knee propped up on a stack of pillows caroline had set up for her. she didn’t know why. “thought you’d be enjoying your summer.”

sana’s jaw tightened, her eyes flickering for just a second before she shrugged again, more casually this time. “not much to enjoy back home.”

paige felt that. but she wasn’t about to let her guard down just because sana had decided to play the good teammate card. “what, your family didn’t want you back?” she asked, half-joking, half-serious.

sana’s expression faltered for a fraction of a second, and paige caught it. ah, she thought. there it was—something deeper. something that made her just as messed up inside as paige felt right now.

“they weren’t exactly throwing a party for my return,” sana said, leaning against the wall now, arms crossed over her chest. she avoided eye contact, and paige suddenly felt like an asshole for pressing.

“everybody’s got their shit right now then, huh?” paige muttered, sighing as she leaned back against the her headboard.

sana glanced at her, a small smirk playing on her lips, though it didn’t quite reach her eyes. “yeah, something like that.” she finally moved from the doorway, settling on the chair across the room. there was still distance between them, but it was the closest they’d ever gotten to having a multi-layered conversation, something that unlocked all of the fronts sana had put up.

paige shifted slightly, watching her. the tension between them, however, was still there—longing, unspoken things neither of them seemed ready to admit, but for once, it felt like they weren’t playing a game. paige didn’t know if she could handle another layer of uncertainty in her life right now, but this? it felt different. on the other hand, she couldn’t shake the feeling that sana was here out of obligation rather than choice.

“why’d you really come?” paige asked, her voice softer now.

sana met her eyes, a set of absolutely exhausted blue hues. “i know we’re not exactly best friends, but it felt like the right thing to do,” she huffed out.

paige couldn’t help but smirk, and sana had seen that look before. she furrowed her eyebrows, already sensing the shift. “what?” she asked, her hands gesturing in a way that made it clear she wasn’t about to play along with whatever paige was thinking.

her smirk widened. “who knew all it would take is me getting injured for you to stop hating me.”

sana’s reaction was immediate. her lips parted slightly, and she gave a little shake of her head, almost as if she couldn’t believe the words had just come out of paige’s mouth. “i told you i didn’t hate you, p. i’ve never hated you.” the words came out firm, but not defensive.

“you do know you act like it though, right?” she was almost pleading for honesty at this point. “before your transfer. you never even looked my way.”

sana blinked, her posture stiffening slightly. it wasn’t like paige to push like this, to dig beneath the surface. and she definitely hadn’t expected to come here and admit so much, but maybe all they needed was to be sat down in a room together. no noise, no basketball. still, sana couldn’t help the way her defenses rose instinctively. “i didn’t have to look your way,” she said, but there was no bite to her words. it was more of an explanation, a little tired and raw. “everyone already was.”

paige didn’t move, just blinked. “except you.”

sana opened her mouth to respond, but nothing came out at first. she wasn’t sure how to explain it—to put into words why she had kept her distance. why she acted like paige didn’t exist, like she wasn’t the one person who’d always gotten under her skin without even trying.

“i don’t know,” sana finally admitted. “i guess… i didn’t want to.”

paige raised an eyebrow. “didn’t want to?”

she let out a breath, leaning forward slightly as if the weight of her thoughts was too much to bear while sitting back. “i’m just competitive. i push myself hard, and you’re one of the best. it’s not hate; it’s just… i don’t know. maybe i was trying to keep up with you.”

sana caruso had said she didn’t know two times practically within the same breath. for the first time, she’d seen the girl actually be unsure of something, unsure about her.

“and i’ve never hated you,” sana repeated, locking eyes with paige as if she needed her to really feel it. “i admire you, actually.”

was this real life?

“i guess i always thought you were untouchable,” paige confessed, mainly because it felt right. “like, you had everything figured out. and here i am, sitting on the sidelines while you about to be out there thriving.” she could’ve chuckled at the thought.

sana shook her head, the playful bravado she usually wore like armor slipping away. “you have no idea how often i felt like i was just pretending. like i was always one mistake away from everyone realizing i wasn’t as good as they thought.”

for a moment, paige didn’t know what to say. it was almost laughable—how similar they were in all the ways that mattered, but neither of them had seen it until now.

“i get that,” she finally said, her voice stripped of its usual humor. “i get it more than you think. i feel like i’ve already made that mistake.”

sana’s eyes softened, and there was an understanding that hadn’t been there before. and for the first time in what felt like forever, paige didn’t feel so alone. she felt seen. by sana, of all people.

“you’ll be back on the court before you know it,” sana said, her voice a little brighter now. she could tell paige had been getting in her head about the injury again, and although she hadn’t experienced something as life-changing as that, she could be there for her. “i can’t wait to see you kick everyone’s ass again.”

paige let out a breath, a laugh breaking through her chest, light but full of relief. “and you’re gonna get our team that chip.”

and sana smiled. at paige.

our team.

[updownlately]

too shy to say (but i hope you stay)

| leah williamson x reader | fluff | 3.6k | inspo: come out and play by billie eilish | a/n: got this ask a couple days ago and i just couldn't resist the temptation of grinding this one out! to whoever sent it in, i really hope you're feeling better now and that you like this one!

~~~

You weren’t one to get sick, you really weren’t. In the past handful of years, you could count on one hand the number of times you got sick- flu, cold, food poisoning or otherwise. So when you woke up in the morning, nose all stuffy, a pounding headache making your eyes hurt and the room feeling a bit too hot even for a London summer, you had a gut-sinking inkling of what was going on. 

Slowly sitting up, wincing at the increasing intensity of your headache, the movement only seeming to make it worse. hands lethargically coming to rub away the sleep from your eyes, you reached for your phone. 

7:54 am. Two hours earlier than you need to be up, just great. 

Dropping your phone back onto the nightstand, you contemplated whether going to school or work was even going to be worth it today. You really didn’t want to attend class, already exasperated with the thought of getting ready just to sit in an hour and a half long lecture when you could just take a look at the slide deck online.

Plus work…did you ever really want to go? Sure you had great coworkers and all, but work was work. And the idea of being a human punching bag for customers that were already unhappy with their lives wasn’t something you thought you were capable of today. 

Making the decision then and there, you shot off a quick text to your manager and then your friends, letting them know you wouldn’t be able to make it today.

Tossing your phone aside and sinking back into your sheets, you ignored the slight dampness of your forehead, more content to just hopefully sleep off whatever it was that you had. 

~~~

You hated this. You hated being sick. It hadn’t even been more than a half hour since you had originally woken up, yet here you were again, stuffy nose making it near impossible to breathe comfortably. Oh how you dearly missed when your nose wasn’t plugged. 

Groaning in annoyance, you swallowed audibly, trying to keep your frustration at bay.

The scratchiness of your throat made every second that you were awake painful and all you wanted to do really was sleep, but then the congestion in your chest made that near impossible. Couple the two with the pounding headache and the way your whole body ached and you really didn’t know what to do. All you knew was the it really fucking sucked.

Eyes closing, you quickly ran through what you needed to do in order to get better. Remembering from when you were a teen and had to take care of your brothers, you made a mental list. Painkillers, cough syrup, tissues, sweet caroline- wait? sweet caroline? 

Snapping out of your thoughts, you focused into the present, hearing your phone ringing beside you, the ringtone reserved for a singular special person. 

Picking up the phone, you let a small smile spread across your face at the caller ID.

“Morning Leah.” Your voice came out much scratchier than normal and you silently hoped that the blonde didn’t notice. “Morning love, how are you doing? I hope I didn’t wake you? I was just getting ready to head out, thought I’d ring you.”

You hummed in response, contemplating whether you should tell the English skipper of your current state. You didn’t want her to worry about you, especially not when her own knee issues were currently bothering her. 

“I’m okay. And no you didn’t wake me, in fact I’m glad you called, I was missing you,” you hummed.

No sooner than as the words left your mouth, you could hear Leah going on about something at the other end of the line, continuing the conversation, but you couldn’t pay attention- not when your eyes were involuntarily closing, hearing momentarily pausing as your body geared up to sneeze.

Once, then twice, and then a handful more times, you could feel your whole body jolt with each one, room spinning in between.

It was after your fifth consecutive sneeze that you finally had a moment of reprieve. Gathering your bearings, you brought the phone that you had accidentally thrown to the side back up to your ear.

“Sorry about that, had to sneeze.”

“Really? Couldn’t tell,” the cheeky reply caused you to smile and roll your eyes. “You sure you’re doing okay though? Your voice sounds a bit nasally and while normally that wouldn’t be concerning, you just sneezed like 800 times in a row.

“Ha-ha very funny Ms. Captain. I appreciate your concern but I’m most definitely fine. Just the dust y’know?”

“Hey! Uncalled for…” You could almost feel her pout through the phone, glad that your slight distraction worked, or so you thought.

“Well since you’re doing fine, you wouldn’t mind if I FaceTimed you right now, right?”

“I mean I just woke up, I look terrible so I do mind,”

“Oh shush, I’ve seen you wake up, and must you know, I find the sight quite appealing,”

“Flirt”

“Sicko”

“Allegedly”

You were about to continue your protests of being okay, mouth opening to tell Leah that you were just tired, but a coughing fit cut you off, a dial tone faintly heard in between your sharp inhales.

Just as you got yourself collected, the phone in your hands started buzzing again, this time Leah popping up on your screen, a sweet smile on her face.

“Doing okay huh? Sure Rudolph.”

“My nose can’t be that red, surely? I’ve only been up for about a little bit.”

“Baby you look like you haven’t slept in weeks.”

“Thanks” you grumbled.

Rolling her eyes fondly, Leah continued. “Listen I have to head to rehab soon but after that I’m dropping by, and don’t even try to discourage me.”

“Leah I’m fine, I swear, just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I’ll be good in a couple hours.”

“Nope…not taking no for an answer. I’ve got to drive out now but you make sure to eat and hydrate okay? I’ll be over as soon as I can. I love you.”

Not having any energy to fight the headstrong blonde, you had no choice but to agree. “I love you too…bye you stubborn skipper.”

Letting leah cut the call, you let out another groan. You didn’t want the footballer to worry about you, very much well aware that she had enough on her plate already. Unfortunately for you, it turns out you and her had something in common, your high levels of stubbornness a shared quality. 

Unwilling to be in such a disheveled state when Leah dropped by in a few hours, you decided to quickly grab a shower and freshen up, to maybe even try and get a few bites of food in so that you could take some medicine. 

Untangling yourself from the warmth of your sheets, you stood up to leave, room immediately spinning faster than the rides at a fair. Today was going to be a long day…

~~~

Eight months into a relationship…is that enough time to be doing this? Leah couldn’t help but ponder that exact question, turning your apartment key in her hands. You had given it to her at the 5 month mark for your relationship, citing it would be helpful in the case of an emergency. She hadn’t used it once though, at least not until now.

See, she would’ve more than happily waited for you to answer your door, but the problem was that you weren’t. After a handful of knocks, a few missed calls, and double-digits of minutes waiting, Leah figured that it would be okay to use it now, right?

Slightly worried for your wellbeing as well, deciding that at worst you’d be a little upset, Leah went ahead and unlocked the door. Better an upset girlfriend than one stuck in a poor situation of any sort.

Slowly easing the door open, the eerie silence of your apartment had the blonde concerned. You weren’t one to live in silence, always having some album or playlist playing through your speakers in the house. It seemed that the sickness was hitting you harder than she had initially thought. 

Placing the grocery bag in her arms onto the floor, the skipper made quick work of her shoes, shutting the door behind her and locking it. 

Quietly padding to the island, she began to empty out the contents of the bag to sort them out. Taking out the items, she laid them out in front of her, trying to recall what item was needed as per the instructions of her mum. 

Grabbing the cough syrup, painkillers, cough drops, a glass of water, and a thermometer, Leah set the items on a tray and started the trek to your bedroom.

She really hoped you had ate by now, well aware of her lack of abilities in the kitchen (listen- she made up for it on the pitch okay?)

Pushing your ajar door open, Leah stepped into your dark room. immediately noticing the stuffiness and then the sight of your curled up figure tucked into one corner of the large bed. 

Slowly walking further into the room, she placed the tray on your nightstand, one that already seemed littered with a handful of different medications, a box of Kleenex, and what appeared to be a glass of apple juice. 

The Englishwoman took a seat on the edge of your bed, hand coming to gently brush against your forehead, pushing your matted baby hairs out of the way. Placing the back of her hand to your now visible skin, like she had experienced her mother do many times with her, Leah felt for a temperature, one that was very apparent from the first few seconds really. You really were, in fact, burning up. 

Picking her phone from out of her joggers, the blonde shot off a quick text to her mother, doubling checking what she was supposed to do to help with bringing it down before clicking it off. Placing it back in her pocket, the skipper figured that as tired as you were, it would be a good idea to wake you up to see if you had at least ate or taken any medication.

Running her thumb softly over your cheek, the other coming to rest on your shoulder, Leah slowly rose you out of your slumber, the gentle ministrations causing you to smile subconsciously.

Waking up in a daze, surprised at the feeling of another’s hands on your face, you immediately went to rub at your eyes, not believing the Leah shaped figure at your side.

“You actually came…” Your voice came out hoarse, disbelief laced in the words, the both of you wincing at the scratchiness, before Leah handed you the glass of cool water.

Sipping gratefully, you nearly emptied the whole glass before turning back to your girlfriend.

“Why wouldn’t I have come? You’re not doing well, I’m not going to have you suffer alone.”

“You might get sick too…”

“Worth it,” she shrugged, as if it was that simple of a solution to potentially getting sick.

“Leahhhh,” you dragged out her name, too sleepy to do anything else to confront her.

“Listen, I know how much you hate being sick, and you don’t get sick often either, so let me take care of you okay? Please? And then when I get sick you can return the favour? How does that sound?”

Shaking your head, you let out a huff. “You’re too stubborn for your own good.”

“You love me for it”

“Yeah, I wonder why sometimes.”

“Only sometimes?”

“Always”

“Good”

“Leah…” you shook your head at her antics, the smile on your face betraying the annoyed facade you had on.

“I love you.” 

You huffed, crossing your arms and choosing not to reply. At your prolonged silence, Leah started poking your cheeks, her fingers gently prodding your face.

“Say it back. C’mon, you have to. Baby…say it back so I can start taking care of you.” 

Sighing in amusement at her persistence and never ending poking, you lethargically reached out to grab her hands, stopping both right before they hit your cheek for the umpteenth time.

“I love you too, you pain.”

Grinning in victory, Leah wiggled her right hand free and patted your cheek. “Okay good. Now, with that done, I need you to open your mouth, gotta take your temperature to see what we’re working with here.”

Saluting her, an “aye aye nurse Leah” escaping your lips, you waited as she prepped the thermometer before placing it carefully in your mouth. 

Wincing as it went under your tongue, your mind flashed back to when your mother would do this to you as a kid, the uncomfortableness of it not escaping you even after nearly fifteen years had passed.

“Everything okay? I didn’t place it down awkwardly or too rough, right?”

You nodded the best you could with the thermometer in your mouth, carefully to not jostle it around too much, heart melting at her attentiveness. Blinking your eyes and turning up the sides of your lips slightly, you hoped that she got the message that you were okay. 

When you took the thermometer out a minute later, the electronic screen read a 38.9º, you knew you nearly had a high fever. 

Checking her phone, Leah confirmed the same.

“Are you asking Google if my fever is high?” you asked, body shaking with slight laughter.

“I-“ A slight blush crossed your girlfriend’s face, one barely visible if it wasn’t for the illumination of her phone. “I had my mum send me a short guide on what I need to do for what situation…I’m just reading that.” she admitted shyly.

“Oh Leah…” you nearly melted, a pout appearing on your face. “I love you.”

Her bashful smile growing into a more confident one, Leah reiterated the sentiment with joy, never one to shy away from reminding you just how much she cared for you.

“Okay so according to this, placing a cool, damp washcloth on your forehead might help with the fever, and so will taking some Paracetamol…speaking of, have you eaten yet?”

You couldn’t help but smile softly at Leah’s rambling and question. You knew the blonde was protective and cared greatly not only for you but for everyone in her life, but getting to be on the direct receiving end of it? it was a feeling like no other, and you were sure that the warmth coursing through your body right now was more than just the fever, Leah’s affection bringing you a sense of comfort even as chills wracked your body.

“I did…had a feeling you wouldn’t want to step into the kitchen so I had a sandwich about…” You checked the time on your phone, “…two hours ago? Is that enough?”

“I’m assuming ideally you’d want to eat within at least the last hour of taking the medicine. You think you’d be up for that?”

“Leah, love, the better question here is whether you think you’re up for cooking, seeing as I don’t have anything ready to eat in my fridge right now.”

“I brought some food with me.”

Throwing your head back in appreciation, the words slipped out of your mouth before you could stop them.“Leah…god I could marry you right now.”

“In sickness and health am I right?” came the cheeky reply almost instantly.

You rolled your eyes in good nature, your smile permanently stuck on your face it seemed, a giddy feeling overtaking you.

“Eventually.”

“Yeah?”

You nodded in response, too afraid you’d ask her to marry you on the spot with the way she was so tenderly taking care of you right now.

Shooting you an award-winning smile, Leah carefully made her way off the bed, going to clean the thermometer and grab the food options that she brought. 

Returning within minutes, she had somehow managed to bring in a whole plate with an assortment of food. 

“Alright, so from what I was told, these would be the best foods for you right now…I’ve got apple slices, a few sandwiches, some assorted cut up fruit- none that will irritate your throat though- and a couple other snacks.”

You couldn’t help but stare at the defender in shock, mind appalled at seeing first-hand the level of effort she had gone through. 

Blinking once, then again, you looked between the food and then back at her, going back and forth a few times before closing your eyes due to the dizziness. 

“Everything okay love?”

“I- you did so much…you’re doing so much…I-,” you stumbled out, not sure how to properly express your gratitude.

“Honey, you deserve to be taken care of, you know that right? I’m just giving you what you deserve. And we both know you’d do the same for me, no hesitation, so let me do it for you alright?” And just like that, the defender knew exactly how to crush all your intrusive thoughts with just a few sentences.

Nodding dumbfoundedly at just how well she knew you, you grabbed a sandwich, unwrapping it and taking a bite.

Swallowing, you used your free hand to grab another sandwich, holding it out to the englishwoman. 

“Have you eaten? I’m assuming with how much effort went into this and the fact that you had rehab, breakfast was the last thing you had?”

Leah took the sandwich in your hands without much protest, confirming your thoughts. 

Between bites, she talked you through what she planned for the next little bit, checking with you on what you needed as well. 

The pair of you eventually decided that you’d have your medication and then let Leah try and lessen your fever with a some damp washcloths, after which the pair of you would likely settle down for a movie, putting as much space as you could between one another to limit the likelihood of transmission (spoiler alert: it really didn’t do much).

Letting yourself be loved, you both quickly finished off the food before cleaning up, Leah taking the tray and the dishes to the kitchen to put those in the sink, and you opening up your windows and tidying your room slightly. 

Just as you made your way back to your side of the bed, Leah came back into the room, arms full of the necessary things required for the lessening of your temperature.

As you watched her quietly get settled beside you, you really couldn’t believe you had gotten this lucky. No one was really there to take care of you besides your stressed mother as a child and thus, you hated being sick, not wanting to burden the already stressed woman. Now though, with the blonde defender that was here, taking care of you in every aspect, not letting you suffer alone, you figured that if it always led to this, that you’d take the lonely days as a childhood in stride in every universe, as long as she ended up in your life.

And as you both finally settled down for a movie, fever waned down enough for it to be considered mild, nearly non-existent, fingers just barely intertwining in the large gap between your two bodies, you let the tiredness in your body settle, the love you had for the other girl calming your anxiety of being stressed, bringing you peace. 

You knew you were lucky, the way Leah knew you so well. How she decided to visit even though you’d be fine alone. How she sensed to bring you food and take care of you, well aware you could manage by yourself but not wanting you to. How she knew to visit, even though you were hesitant to ask. You dearly hoped that this would be your life for a long time, not the sickness but the love, hoping it could grow, the flowers of it creating a garden in your hearts. 

Yawning, you squeezed Leah’s hands three times, a silent ‘i love you’, as you let her presence lull you to sleep, body sated with food and love, just rest left to do. Eyes closing, you silently appreciated her love as she tucked you in, unaware of your half-awake state. By the time the tiredness overtook you, you knew that you’d wholeheartedly do anything for the blonde, just like she had done for you, wanting to be the one she took care of for the rest of her life, wanting to be the one who got to take care of her, to make her smile, to love her to ends of the universe and back. 

Smiles on the both of your faces, the two of you fell asleep partway through the movie, hands slowly itching towards the other, bodies slightly tangling, puffs of breaths in the increasingly smaller space between you two as your limbs found each other, your face eventually tucking into the crook of her neck, her arms wrapping around you. 

Maybe, just maybe, being wasn’t that terrible after all. Not when you had her to take care of you, to love you, to stay when you were too shy to ask.

(And lucky enough for you, you very much got the chance to shower her in as much, if not more love when she inevitably, shockingly, somehow magically, got sick only a few days later. Wonder how that happened…)

[buckyalpine]

Missing 2

Here is a silly part 2 to the silly first fic here 

Fluff, Mob Bucky is an adorable goof, this is worse than the first fic okay. I’m openly acknowledging this is ridiculous and stupid but I’m posting it anyway. 

“Why the fuck is he still here” 

Bucky narrowed his eyes, watching him carefully, hating the way he moved with such suave. Who the fuck does he think he is?! It had been days of him coming around, pretending his intentions were innocent but Bucky knew better. He had been in the game long enough to be able to read someone's character. 

No.

There was nothing innocent about this. 

He was after his pretty baby and that wasn’t okay. 

“If you have such a problem with him, go do something about it” Sam snorted, watching the mob boss huff, shaking his head.

“I can’t just tell him to fuck off” Bucky grumbled, ready to give him the finger. “Even though he should, I don’t want him 10 feet near my princess” 

“I’m sure if you stare at him long enough, he’ll take the hint”

Bucky glared at him once more for good measure before smiling down at the purring ball of fur that pawed at his leg, demanding to be picked up. She had dragged your sweater into the room, dropping it by his feet, giving him a pointed look. 

“Hi baby” He picked up his sassy little fur baby, giving her a few kisses and scratching her head, cocking an eyebrow at her seeing the sweater she brought with her. “You miss her huh, maybe I should ask her out soon?”

“Merp” Alpine nudged her head against his chest while Sam shook his head, running a hand over his face. 

“For fucks sake, at least listen to the cat and ask her out” 

“He’s right” Steve smirked at his friend, snorting at the ridiculous sight of Bucky cooing at his cat, “Stop worrying about him and actually go ask her out”

Bucky thought for a moment, he had to do it right. You were sweet. Kind. Summer and flowers. His mind was all over the place, he couldn't stop thinking about you but would you even want to go out with someone like him? 

You sipped your tea, cozy in an oversized t-shirt and some fuzzy socks, snuggled under a blanket with your favorite tv show pulled up. You smiled sadly at the empty corner Alpine liked to snuggle in; even if she was with you for a few days, you missed her purrs and silky fur nuzzled against you. Then there was her owner. It shouldn’t have been legal for someone that attractive to have a cute white fluffy kitten, the combination of the two overloaded all your senses. Your mind continuously bounced between the both of them, not sure who you wanted to snuggle with more. Both with the same mischievous blue eyes and sassy attitude to match. You blinked hearing the doorbell ring; no one ever visited you at this hour. Then it rang again. 

You ran to your door, abandoning your tea and Netflix, squealing when you saw your sweet little fur baby sitting in a basket of red roses, a small note tucked onto the side. She hopped out of the basket and into your arms, nudging her nose onto yours. 

“Now how did you get here baby” you giggled, looking up to see a flustered Bucky on your drive way, waiting hopefully for you to read the note. You pulled the note out, smiling at the beautiful handwriting, biting back a smile as you read. 

Thank you for taking such good care of me, I missed you. I sleep in your sweater every single night. I wanted to see you again. 

-Alp 

PS: Will you go out on a date with my daddy?

You grinned, feeling your face heat up, looking up at the blushing mob boss. He made his way over while you kept Alpine tucked in your arms; the ball of fur making a show of snuggling in your hold. Bucky shook his head at his cat’s antics; if only he was as adorable as she was. 

“Sorry” Bucky blushed sheepishly, his heart racing when you took the basket of flowers and invited him inside. “I-I didn’t get to properly thank you for taking care of Alpine” 

“I was happy just to look after her” You smiled, feeling giddy over the fact that he was in your house again. “But I’d love to go out with you” 

That was all he needed to hear, kissing your cheek before leaving, his mind already thinking about where to take you. 

“I’ll see you soon doll” 

*****

Bucky made sure he gave you the sweetest date possible, taking you out to a quiet diner where he spent the evening looking at you with heart eyes. His heart fluttered over your sweetness and he had to mentally restrain himself from cupping your cheeks and kissing you every time you looked at him. What the hell was wrong with him. 

The first date turned into a second date. Then a third. Most recently, he invited you over so he could make you brunch and eat in the large patio in his garden. Bucky’s heart started tp leap again, looking at his pretty doll set out strawberries on a plate and carrying a jug of lemonade.  He didn’t know what to do with himself when you brought him flowers from your flower shop to brighten his home, he already knew he was going to keep that bouquet preserved forever. 

You both finished eating, curled up on Bucky’s couch for some cuddles, his hand softly stroking your hair, stopping abruptly when he saw movement by the window. You sat up when you felt his body stiffen, looking up to see him staring at someone through the window. 

“Fuck, he’s back again” His chest rumbled against you, moving you over as he stalked to the window, frowning. 

“Who” You couldn’t see anyone from where you were sitting, nearly collapsing on the floor when you joined Bucky’s side. Now you knew exactly where Alpine learned her dramatics. 

“Him” Bucky growled at a stray black cat that slinked around his garden, purring as soon as his green eyes landed on Alpine who was basking near the windowsill. 

“It’s a cat Bucky”

“That’s not a cat, that’s a punk” He narrowed his eyes at the cat while he sauntered over, his tail swishing about, gracefully hopping on the ledge, his nose nudging against the glass, right where Alpine sat. “She’s too good for you”

“Oh my god” You wheezed, shaking your head while Steve walked by, stopping when he saw Bucky by the window. It had become a weekly occurrence, he was used to the scene before him, not that it was ever any less ridiculous. 

“Is he beefing with the cat again” Steve snorted while you burst out laughing, looking at Bucky staring off with the cat, his precious baby tucked in his arms. 

“Does this happen often?”

“Mhm, has he given him the finger yet?” 

“Shut up Steve” 

“He just wants a home, I think it’s sort of sweet” You nudged Bucky while he shook his head. Your heart melted, looking at Alpine trying to wiggle out of Bucky’s hold, inching towards the black cat that sat outside who was peering into the warm house. 

“I don’t trust him” 

“C’mon, he’s a little like you” Bucky frowned at you while you giggled, cupping his  face, pulling him down to kiss his lips, smiling when you felt him melt into your hold, his hands coming down to hold your waist. “He’s just a little misunderstood. Handsome on the outside and sweet on the inside”

Bucky’s ears perked up, a smirk dancing on his lips, pulling you closer. 

“You think I’m handsome and sweet?” 

“Bucky!” You rolled your eyes, “That’s what you got from what I just said?” You squeaked when he lifted you in his arms, carrying you off to his room, deciding he’d deal with the punk outside later. There were more important things that required his attention. 

“We have all night, tell me more my pretty doll” 

A few years later *

“I told you Alp would be with the groomsmen” Sam grinned, holding the white ball of fluff while Steve stood by Bucky. Alpine purred, a large silky bow replacing her collar. 

“That’s only because y/n has Bucky jr. on her side” The black cat purred in your best friends arms, his green eyes blinking at Alpine and then at Bucky, a little bowtie around his neck. 

“She named him Toothless, not Bucky Jr” Bucky groaned, shaking his head at the green eyes that blinked at him, he may have given into you adopting him but he still didn’t fully trust his intentions. 

“You love him” You giggled at your soon to be husband, waiting for his lips to press onto yours, ready to start a new chapter together along with your fur babies. 

“Hm, not as much as I love you” He whispered, pulling you into his arms as soon as he’s told he can kiss the bride, pouring every ounce of his love into the kiss. 

Who would have thought his little fur baby going on an adventure would bring him the greatest love of his life. 

****

*Of course when he does propose to you, there’s basically two proposals. One is perfect, romantic, intimate. Just the two of you, his sweet words, soft kisses. It was beautiful and you loved it but he already had your heart when you first feel 4 little paws on the bed earlier that day, a wet nose nudging you awake. There’s a new note attached to her collar, not a whole lot written on it but the few words bring tears to your eyes. 

Will you be my mama? 

To which you immediately say yes and gasp when you see a little ring on Alpine’s collar. Bucky smiles by the door, striding over to pull you into his lap, his heart filling with warmth when you attack him with 100′s of kisses. 

Alpine purrs proudly; she always knew you’d be the perfect mommy for her daddy. 

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[ryleektv]

Lorenzo Berkshire Headcannons

Part 2

Warnings: suggestive content (i think?? i don't remember), language, diving deep into toxic Lorenzo, not proof read

again, don't come after me if you don't agree

WC: 646

• quidditch keeper. practices a pretty normal amount unless he makes some stupid mistake during a game, then you best believe his ass is out there forcing theo to help him practice for the next 3 days

• definitely plays football (soccer 😔✊) and is actually good at it

• thinks he is the shit. this dudes ego is dangerously inflated and someone desperately needs to tell him no, reject him, lead him on, literally anything to humble him because he truly thinks he can just play God

• however i solely believe someone will at some point manage to somehow break his heart and that all will come absolutely crashing down

• ofc that'll only last about 0.02 seconds and then he'll be in his rebound kick and worse than ever but at least there was a small sliver of time when he realized that he is not in fact the shit and he's actually just a hot wannabe frat boy that got semi lucky in life

• also somehow really good with kids?? and obviously that's really attractive but how is he good with kids?? why does it make sense?? 

• gives off the kinda vibe of finding him holding some random baby at a family reunion (fuck knows not his family 😬) and having no clue who's it is but lowkey enjoying the baby snuggles (as he should) 

• will not admit to enjoying the baby snuggles.

• if he wasn't attractive, your mother would hate him, but he also has a major flirt personality and knows damn well he's gorgeous therefore is great at faking the niceties for parents so your mama won't bat an eye at the total asshole aura

• 50/50 chance your dad hates his guts and sees right through him (if you have no dad though you're just shit out of luck in terms of getting actually good relationship guidance because there's no way he's not making a "i didn't know you had a sister" comment.)

• Knee Socks is actually him???

• would own a blue lacoste?? would be attracted to the knee socks?? yes

• i feel like he would suffer from major summer depression. being away from school distractions, away from school in general, away from his friends, stuck in a gloomy ass manor, constantly surrounded by reminders of his shit parents. bud is not doing well

• more than likely has issues with attachment too (huge contrast to the commitment issues). does not do well being away from his close friends but would rather cut off his dick than admit it

• cannot be alone. lonely is no go. he is a people person, he doesn't have to like you to need some company and use you for it 

• this does in fact feed into his whole womanizer persona 

• off of the sad bit, he is a real genuine sweetheart to Narcissa and Narcissa only. 

• cissy may not always be the best parental figure, however compared to his other options it's like comparing shit to candy. candy is a million times better even if its not always good therefore he definitely emotionally attached himself to her

• yelled at her once and had a mental breakdown

• maybe if you're dating him and you're lucky, she might talk a little sense into him and make him just a smidge less of an asshole

• speaking of, buddy has flings and situationships. dates for a few weeks at most every once in a while but it's mostly that ridiculous unofficial dating situationship that makes you want to bash your head in 

• it gets talked about a lot too, specifically around the girls because they all think they're smart enough to be with him without getting caught up in his messy self

• king of manipulation and surprisingly doesn't realize it half the time. he knows he's outstandingly good at manipulating everyone he just doesnt always notice when he's doing so 

• overall just a toxic babe

[jchuliatl]

All fucking day long you've been a brat, ignoring my messages, being blunt with you replies, even saying make me when I've asked you to do something.

You know how much it infuriates me when you ignore me, the rest I can deal with but ignoring me will just get my blood boiling so fucking much.... But you know that... You want that don't you? 

Not even a tease from you today, and that's even worse.... So I finish work very early, fuck that shit. 

You've had lessons from me before but today I'm not just annoyed, I'm furious. So.... FUCKING.... FURIOUS. 

I messaged you to say I'm working late... But in fact I'm on my way right now to unleash my anger on your tight little body. 

I'd been holding back just a little with you for fear of being a total cunt, but today. You've finally pushed that button. 

The voice notes, the Instructions, even the Tumblr posts I've sent you have been ignored, I've asked kindly for you to look at as I love teasing you, but no.... This little brat is playing hard and needs to understand that when I say or do something, it's done. 

I drive as calmly as possible. Believe me I want to drive like I stole the car I want to get to yours as fast as possible. But first off, I need supplies. 

Stopping at my place I grab 'the' bag... throw it in the car and calmly drive over to yours....

One song on repeat...

https://spotify.link/WreNq9nnsJb

(Copy that and start listening) 

Pulling up at your place I see you through the window, I sit and watch for a bit in the hope that you are playing with yourself... But sadly you are just making a drink. 

You look up and see me sat in the car... Just looking at you. 

I'm not moving.... My eyes do not blink... And you stand there looking back at me...

You can see 'that' look in my eye, one that you've not seen before, I mean you have seen my hungry look, but this was different. This was a calm, intense, hateful and lustful look. 

Immediately you felt yourself getting hotter and also you felt a twinge in your panties. 

He's really pissed you thought to yourself, maybe I've gone too far playing the brat you thought.

After a few minutes of just staring at you I get my phone out and message you...

"GO TO THE HALLWAY AND GET ON YOUR FUCKING KNEES" 

in upper case! Yes he's pissed you thought again....

You go to do as he's asked but then you get this cheeky grin... And you just stand there.

GULP 🤤....

I get out the car and grab my bag and walk to the door... It's frosted glass so I can see your shadow just standing there..

The little fucker I growl to myself.

Before opening the door I reach into my bag and grab my 12 inch blade, I wasn't going to use this today but that defiance has pushed me even more. 

Opening the door I push it till it swings open and hits the wall .. I throw my bag in and it lands on the floor next to you, it's zipped up so you can't see inside it.

But then you look at me and you see what's in my hand... FUCK! 🥵 

you actually gulp, and you go to say something but I just quickly and calmly put my finger on my mouth to shh you... You stop trying to speak.

I walk in slowly and shut the door behind me. Turning back to look at you I see you in your favourite summer dress.... What a shame I say.... again you go to speak and get again I shh you with my finger. 

I come very close to you and I lift my arm up just a bit ... The tip of my blade touches your leg.... And I start dragging it up your body, gliding up under your dress.... skimming over your panties... Your dress folds over itself and falls back to your body but my blade is still working it's way up your body...I press just a little harder against your breasts so your nipples feel it... They Instantly become hard and erect.

Then I trace the tip along your chest and onto your shoulders.... moving them to your straps....

"Have you been a good girl today?" I ask....

You don't answer straight away, so I ask again but I'm almost growling as I speak 

"Have ... You ..... Been.....a ..... GOOD GIRL!?" 

only this time I cut your strap.... You look down at it as it drops your dress just a little... And then look at me...

"No... No sir, I've not" 

"NO.... NO YOU HAVEN'T!!!!" I calmly snap back....snip goes your other strap....

Your dress falls, but not all the way. 

No, it falls just enough that it rests on your dress.... Which is what I wanted....

I reach up and put my fingers on the inside of the top of the dress which is resting on your tits... You feel my fingers on your skin...

And I pull it towards me, you almost walk with it but stand firm... And with my other hand I lift the blade and point it downwards, and start cutting it, only enough to break the hem.... And then I slip my blade into my belt and grab your dress with both hands and I start to rip open your dress, your body being yanked with every rip of your dress...

I rip it down to your waist and then I let it fall to the ground.

Your breasts exposed you stand there in just your panties... Looking at me with wide eyes as you've never had a dress cut and ripped from you body before ..

I reach forward and thrust my hand inside your panties and feel between your lips...

"Good girl!" I say.... You're soaked! 

I don't rub, I don't stroke. And I remove my hand... You wanted more!!! Fuck you wanted more....

I reach into my bag and pull out my blindfolds.... And quickly place them over your eyes. 

Leaving you standing there just waiting for what comes next.....

I walk away.... And I sit down, bringing my bag with me...

You can hear me, away from Infront of you and you don't know what to do, so you just stand there... desperate to be touched as you are so... Fucking... Wet. 

Without making a noise I'm able to walk Infront of you again... This time I grab both your wrists and restrain them.... blindfolded and bound you bite your bottom lip in anticipation of what's to come next. 

I walk behind you and place my hands on your shoulders. and push you forward... You walk with caution until you are pushed against your frosted glass door ... Your entire body pressing against it.. I lift up your hands and place them above your head ... This then pushes your body harder against the door, your nipples pressing against the cold glass.... Your nerves send pulses though your body... Your head now sideways against the glass. 

"Tell me"...."are you going to ignore me again?" I calmly ask....

But before you can answer I spank your ass with a paddle! 

"YES SIR ....I MEAN... NO SIR" 

Another spank of your ass...."mmmmmm.... No sir, no sir I'm not going to ignore you again!!!...mmmmm...." 

Your ass tingling.... burning.... But you noticed with each spank you were getting more and more wet...

I asked you again "are you going to behave from now on?" 

You grinned...."no sir" 

My rage had subsided by now and I realised you were playing for more.... So I gave you more. 

I dropped the paddle and picked up my horse whip... spinning you around I pushed your body against the wall so you were leaning on it... And gently kicked your legs open wide.... grabbing your throat with one hand I gripped hard... Your mouth opened wide so you could just about breath...

And then I asked again...

"N---no sir "

This time I gripped harder and spanked your clit with the whip.... You jumped and moaned at the same time....

And again.... And again...

Each whip just a bit harder then the last....

And each time I asked you said the same thing....

Harder the spanks became the more you moaned.... So then I decided that your panties had to go....I got my blade back and pressed the tip against your belly... Holding it practically flat against your skin I pushed the blade between you and your panties... The tip going down just enough to reach your wet lips.... And then I pulled the side of your panties away from you body and swiftly cut it free.... Then the other side... Never before had you been cut free and you found yourself loving it.... The cold blade against your skin... knowing that you were safe but still it felt so dangerous and wrong.... You were dribbling down your inner thigh by now...

Again I asked...."ARE... YOU... GOING .. TO BE...A GOOD GIRL!!!? " 

"MMMMMM .....N" 

before you could finish speaking I gripped harder on your throat.... You felt a rush of air over your body as all you blood cells went to your head....

And also you felt my fingers thrusting hard inside your pussy...

Holy fuck, what's going on you thought.... It felt so good to be struggling to breath yet feeling your pussy get pounded by my fingers you couldn't even talk...

I kept fingering you hard.... furiously...

And all you could do was moan and gasp for air .. But you realised you were also gyrating against my fingers...

I slipped my fingers out and placed them deep into your mouth, Instantly you began sucking them... Your taste buds seemed to be on steroids as they could taste the sweet juice so much more.... You couldn't suck hard enough....

I slammed my fingers back inside you and continued to fuck your pussy so hard... occasionally brining them out to allow you to suck again and then back they go, stroking your clit for a second just to tease you... And then I had to kiss you, my hand still hard on your throat... My tongue deep into your mouth as I kissed you with so much fucking passion... Every nerve in your body was feeling on fire... You couldn't believe just how desperate you were for this and you were loving every second...

You could feel yourself building up to orgasm and you were confused about it .. How on earth was this happening... usually you need a lot more then this but fucking hell you were getting close...

Your breathing (want air you could take in) became laboured..... Your body began to feel so tense....

So when I asked again if you were going to be a good girl... Fuck me that sent you over the edge..... And as your body started to explode you SHOUTED your answer...

"YES, FUCK YES... YES SIR... FUCK MEEEEEE YES SIR... I'LL BE A FUCKING GOOD GIRL.... YES YES YES.... FUCKING YES SIR, PLEASE SIR.... OH ..MY.... FUCK.... YES.... SIR SIR... YES SIR.... OH FUCK YEESSSSSS SIRRRRRR" 

As soon as you started cumming I unzipped my pants and grabbed my fucking hard cock and took it out....I was going to fuck you with your back to the wall, but I flipped you around and made you be almost parallel to the floor, your restrained hands holding onto to the wall.... And I grabbed your hips hard and pulled your ass closer to me...

My cock pressing hard against your ass...I guided it over your ass hole (you actually pushed back against my cock wanting it in your ass) and then I pressed it against your pussy, your lips opening up over my head ... And I paused for about three seconds.... Which made you so so so fucking needy....

You whimpered....mmmmmm please fu...... And again, as before, I stopped you finishing your words as I thrust so fucking hard inside you.. my cock reaching in as deep as possible...

I held it there for another few seconds to let you feel me deep inside you... And you could feel my pulse!! Throbbing deep in you ... Fuck.... You were trying to push against me and then trying to slide up my cock but I kept you in position....

With a hard spanking I then began to what I can only describe it as.... Hate fucking you....

My hands gripping so fucking hard onto your hips I pulled your body back against me with every thrust.... And it didn't stop...

My body pumping so fucking hard your body was being thrust against the wall so hard...I let go of your hips only to reach forward and with one hand I reached around your throat again.... And the other gripped your hair ... Pulling it so hard your head flicked back so much..... You were practically dribbling with each hard thrust. 

Your arms collapsed with so many hard thrusts and now your face was pushing against the wall ... Your hands just above your head but your arms almost limp next to your head as your body just accepted every hard thrust from me.... Every nerve was still on fire.... And I could feel myself building up....

Soon enough I was thrusting even harder as I pumped every drop of my cum inside you.... You could feel it pulsating inside you... throbbing.... pulsating... Hard thrusts with each drop filling up your pussy...

As soon as I finished cumming hard inside you ...I held my cock long enough for it to start dribbling past my cock and down your inner thighs..... And that's when I grabbed you, turned you around again and pushed you onto your knees.... instincts kicked in and you opened your mouth.... My cock touched your lips and you rammed your mouth over my cock taking in every inch .. sucking hard you devoured every drip of our juices from my cock....

I suddenly realised how hard I was again and how quickly I was going to cum... This was new for me too ....I couldn't help myself and grabbed your head, thrusting myself deeper into your throat... Fuck me I was moaning so fucking loud... moaning your name too as I shuddered so hard into your throat as I came again... Pulsating and losing my grip on your head I couldn't help but fill your throat with my cum again... Fucking hell!! 

I asked again once I'd removed my cock from you mouth...

" Are you going to be a good girl!?" 

"No..... SIR" your reply spurting from you mouth still with some of my c

um in it ...

I slammed my hand across your ass and asked again....

Face tingling.... You grinned and replied so innocent " yes sir" 

[j0hnj4ej3n]

haechan: enemies to lovers

Word count: 2.3k

Warnings: Haechan is a little mean, mentions of toxic and abusive relationship (please don't read or interact if you're uncomfortable)

Notes: this is Haechan's part of 'nct dream as love tropes', enjoy!

You first got to know Haechan through Renjun, and truth be told, you never really liked the guy. He was too loud, too much of a jokester and just loved to get on everyone’s nerves for laughs. You had no idea why a guy like Renjun would even have someone like Haechan as a friend. You tried to keep a distance between you and Haechan since you didn’t have the best impression of him. But he caught on pretty fast and instead of accepting the fact that not everyone had to be his friend, he almost made it his purpose in life to annoy the shit out of you. To Haechan, if you didn’t want to be his friend, then he’d gladly be your enemy. He doesn’t try to break your friendship with Renjun or anything (he isn’t actually evil) but he would make sure to give you a hard time whenever you’re around. 

You like studying with the guys because they were all always really willing to help you when you struggle with work. With the exception of Haechan, it’s like he was there only to make sure you felt worse about yourself. “Mark, can you help me with this?” “Oh yeah, of course.” And Haechan would lean over to look at the question you need help with only to chuckle. “What’s so funny?” “You can’t even solve that? Are you stupid?” “You’re an asshole.” “Oh, I know.” And Renjun would hit his head with a pen, “Enough, you literally failed Math too.” Your eyes widened and you retorted, “The audacity to call me stupid when you did worse than me.” “Okay, who cares?! I’m improving!”  

Haechan never misses the chance to tease you. And even though you know he usually doesn’t mean any harm, you simply hate it. “Wow, your hair looks different today… Who are you trying to impress?” “You can never just compliment me without trying to get on my nerves can you?” “Me? Complimenting you? Dream on~” He said before he ruffled your hair and ran away, messing up the braids you spent all morning getting right, “HEY! You- GET BacK HERE!”

But you’ve never hated Haechan more than today. You never knew he could be this nosy nor this aggravating. 

You have your hood on as you walk into school in the summer heat and you walk briskly with your head down, hoping to reach class as quickly as possible. You’re turning the corner when you bump into someone’s shoulder, you look up to apologise when you realise it was none other than Lee Haechan. 

“Watch where you’re going man.” “Fuck off.” “Damn… why so pissy today?” Haechan only grows intrigued and shuffles to block your way as you try to walk away. You keep your head down as you shoved your way past him. “Hey, I was talking to you,” he said as he pulled your hood off, you panicked and scurrily pulls it back on, trying to hide your face. “Don’t do that!” “Why are you even wearing a hoodie anyway, it’s literally so hot today.” “It’s none of your business.” Haechan only pulls your hood again to push your buttons when he finally spots it. And you can tell he saw it because the usual smug grin he wears is wiped off his face. 

“Why do you have a bruise on your cheek? What happened?” “Nothing,” you say as you attempt to walk away again, only for Haechan to pull you in the opposite direction and into the janitor’s room. 

“Let go of me, you-” “Who did that to you?” “I fell.” “Do you think I’m stupid? Don’t lie to me.” You’ve never seen Haechan so serious before except that one time the boys were debating about if we have one butt or two butts. He adorns a frown on his face and his eyes never leave your face, as if scanning to make sure you’ll tell him the truth. “It’s your new boyfriend isn’t it?” “N-no…” “Did he hit you?” “No, he didn’t. It was just an accident, okay?” “Break up with him.” You stare at Haechan like he’s crazy. “If he’s hurting you, you have to leave him.” “I told you it was an accident. Why do you care so much anyways?” “Oh, is it a CRIME now to be a decent human being?” “Whatever.” You say as you try to leave the room. “Don’t be stupid, if he really did that… If he’s really hurting you, you and I both know it’s not going to be the last time.” You glare at him, you’re so angry you can feel tears pricking at the corners of your eyes. Haechan has no idea what your relationship is like and has no right to tell you what to do. “For the last time, it was an accident. If you can do one nice thing for me today, I would love it if you could just leave me alone.” You tell him with gritted teeth and walk out of the janitor’s room, slamming the door behind you.    

Haechan doesn’t talk to you for the rest of the day and you don’t try to interact too much with anyone, other than Renjun. Afterall, he’s the only one who knows the truth. Your boyfriend has really poor control over his anger and when you two would have a small disagreement, it could turn nasty really quickly. He has a habit of throwing things and this time, when he was busy throwing stuff around to vent his anger, something flew and hit you right on your cheek. That’s what caused the bruising, he never tried to hurt you. Your boyfriend loves you, he’ll never do anything to hurt you on purpose. 

“What did y’all even fight about this time? Why did he have to throw it at you?” Renjun asked as he gently spread the medical cream on your cheek. “He’s just having a hard time recently…” Renjun only sighs, he’s worried and he hates your boyfriend at this point but nothing really gets through to you. So all he can do is support you emotionally and look out for you in ways he could. “Please… if it gets bad, you can’t stay y/n. It’s not safe.” “I’m fine, I know how to handle him.” 

You don’t join the boys to study after school today, all you want to do is go home and sleep these conflicting feelings away, so you do. And when Haechan and Renjun are alone, waiting for the other guys to arrive after their classes, Haechan almost explodes. “You knew about y/n’s boyfriend and you’re not doing anything about it?” “I have no idea what you’re taking about…” Haechan only scoffs, “I saw you helping her with the bruise.” Renjun is searching his mind for another excuse. “Don’t try lying for her, I already saw it.” “What am I supposed to do anyway? She doesn’t listen and she likes him so much…” “Why don’t we jump the guy?” “You’re crazy, have you seen him? Even if we got the guys involve, we might lose.” “So you’re leaving y/n to fend for herself? She’s smaller than all of us.” “He’s not hitting her,” Renjun starts but Haechan doesn’t even give him a chance. “Not yet, no matter what, she already got hurt. That’s bad enough…” Haechan has his hands in his hair and Renjun eyes him carefully. 

“Wait… why are you so stressed? I thought you hated her.” “You’re not worried?” “Of course I am, but this is a first for you.” Haechan ruffles his own hair in frustration, “I just have such a bad feeling about this… and contrary to popular belief, I don’t actually hate her.” The rest of the boys soon arrive and Renjun makes Haechan promise not to tell anyone. So he keeps quiet, he knows it’s not his place to expose you like that but he never stopped thinking about you for the rest of the day. 

The two of you never got along well but realising your situation changed something in him. He teased you less and quietly looked out for you more, the lack of bruises on you eases him. Damn it, even a smile from you now just makes him feel more at peace. Right now, his purpose had changed. It didn’t matter if you still aren’t fond of him, Haechan just wanted to protect you. 

It was like deja vu, Haechan was always one to reach school early. It wasn’t like he loved attending lessons or anything. He simply enjoyed being the first to be in the empty classroom, having some time to himself before the school day officially starts. Moreover, he loved getting his breakfast from the canteen and indulging in it without his mother rushing him like she does at home. He just dropped his bag off at his seat and was even whistling on his way out to order his breakfast when he bumped into someone. 

“Oh, sorry I-” but he couldn’t even bring himself to finish his sentence when he looks down and is met with your teary eyes, your face adorning a bruise bigger than the previous one from a few weeks ago. Haechan wanted to say anything to break the silence but he couldn’t even bring himself to speak. What could he say to make you feel better? He was never one to be too kind with his words. You broke the silence first, “H-he hit me.” Haechan could hear his heart shatter. He has never seen you like this. Eyes filled with tears, lips quivering. Your arms wrapped across your chest, almost as if you’re trying to comfort yourself. Even now, he could tell you’re trying to hold back your tears. You might have been small in size but you were always feisty, strong, would not let anyone mess with you. Almost instinctively Haechan pulled you into a gentle hug, patting your shoulder, still thinking of what to say and having nothing else except, “I’m sorry.” 

You finally allowed yourself to cry, with Haechan’s body shielding you, you let your emotions go. Haechan didn’t even mind if you were staining his uniform with your tears, he continued patting your shoulder, whispering things like “you’re okay”, “you’re safe” until you calmed down. After that Haechan ran to get his breakfast and even got a set for you as well. 

“What do I do now?” you ask after a few moments of silence. Haechan replies with his mouth stuff with bread, “Just fucking leave him, what else do you want to do?” You glance up at him, “But I-” “No, y/n please… You know what’s the right thing to do.” “I’m scared…” Haechan reaches out to put his hand over yours, “You’ll be fine, and I’ll be here. Promise.” 

So you did, both Renjun and Haechan sat by you while you broke up with your boyfriend over text that very afternoon. He didn’t take it very well but it doesn’t matter. He even had the audacity to reply, sending you nasty words and insults. Haechan wanted to call him and give him a piece of his mind but Renjun had to tell him not to make matters worse. 

From that day on, you were terrified to walk home alone, fearing that your ex would come looking to confront you. So Haechan took it upon himself to accompany you. It was really strange at first since you two were never really close. But you were grateful for him. If he wasn’t so nosy, things might have gotten a lot worse. Haechan still pisses you off from time to time but it’s all just banter. The talks you have while Haechan walks you home made you realise that Haechan isn’t that big of an asshole. That he actually has a mature bone in him, that he cares a lot about those around him, he’s smart and witty. He never fails to make you laugh, even if it comes with teasing. 

Eventually, it went from walking you home to watching dramas with you in your living room. Or hanging out and studying in your bedroom. After a couple of months, your mum even invited him to dinner. By then, Haechan whines whenever he has to leave you. “Come on, we’ll see each other tomorrow.” You tell him as he refuses to stop hugging you, “That’s like 10 hours away from you…” “Exactly, that’s less than a day, Haechan.” “Haechan? It’s baby to you, I don’t go by Haechan anymore.” “Stop, I’m not used to it yet…” Haechan finally pulls away just so he can look at you getting all shy. 

At some point in time, it was obvious to the both of you that you two very quickly crossed from being enemies, to frenemies, to friends and over to something more. So after being invited to dinner, Haechan confessed to you that very night. And that was it. Nothing much changed really, he still teases you to no end. And you bite back at his comments just as quickly. But now, you two just hold hands and hug from time to time. You two never officially told your friends yet but you’re both sure Renjun already caught on. 

Watching you get all shy from his previous comment has Haechan melting and he decides to let you off for now. “Alright, I’ll leave now… I’ll be back in exactly 10 hours!” You laugh at his cheeky expression and jokingly pretend to chase him out of your house. But deep down, you can’t wait to see him again the next morning. He is finally out your door and he gives you one last hug before he leaves, you wave him goodbye until you can’t see him anymore, reminding him to text you when he gets home safely. 

[9:15pm] my super cool bf <3: i’m home baby

[9:15pm] my super cool bf <3: i’ll come pick you up again tmr, we can walk to school together!

[9:16pm] you: good, rest well baby 

[9:16pm] you: i miss you already 

[9:16pm] my super cool bf <3: now you call me baby… but i miss you too T-T

[9:17pm] you: shut up, this is me trying

[9:17pm] my super cool bf <3: i know you love me 

[9:17pm] you: unfortunately, i do

[skepsiss]

Long road ahead - pt 5

I might make this the second to last chapter actually because this ended very softly but without a firm direction. I like that tender things like this don't have to be definitive. Anyway, here is part 5 and the payoff for all the previous chapters. This part is not without its heartaches, so apologies, but if you like confessions I hope you'll like this. Also, surprise! A wild Dustin appears

TW: Miscommunication, swearing, and some self-hatred.

4,300+ words, Steve’s POV. 1 week and a half or so after their fight.

Pt1  Pt1.2  Pt2   Pt3 Pt4

--

He had fucked up. He had fucked up so badly.

Steve had been beside himself with sorrow and frustration for days as he went over and over the events of last week. He had been so unbelievably stupid and let his drunk brain take control. He hadn’t been able to help it–but that was just an excuse. It was all just excuses actually. But the way Eddie had been positively shining that night had made Steve feel irrational. It had made him irrational. It was so easy to get swept up into a party with someone like Eddie there who laughed freely and touched everyone he was familiar with. He had partially hung off of Steve’s shoulders and every time he came close enough to ‘rib’ Steve in one way or another–boast about him and charm the crowd–Steve had felt a bit more of his conviction waver.

It had been weeks, weeks, since Steve and Eddie had hung out and it had started Steve off on the back foot. Time apart sounded like a good idea, but the fleeting moments he had shared with Eddie in a group setting over the last month had only made him pine harder. It broke him up inside and it hurt every time Eddie turned him down when he asked to hang out. It hurt so fucking much, but each time he convinced himself it was the better, so of course he hadn’t been able to say no when Eddie asked him if he wanted to come to an end-of-the-summer rager.

God, he had been so weak and Eddie had been so fucking brilliant all night. It was like he had been apart for years and finally, Steve’s heart couldn't be contained anymore. He had let himself be reckless and he had gone and fucked up the whole night.

Steve was miserable at home by himself for days as he self-soothed the hurt away. Not only had he gone and ruined their friendship he had made Eddie straight up hate him. He had never taken rejection this badly before, but it couldn’t be helped with how long he had let this crush go. No amount of stamping his interests out had worked and then he had set fire to their foundation in one night. Less than one night… and now Eddie absolutely hated him.

He had been sworn at and crushed out, called terrible and cruel and Steve couldn’t deny that it was true. What had he been hoping would happen? Had he gone into it thinking they would kiss and then he could walk away from it all? He hadn’t been thinking at all, but something Eddie had said made him pause and it was dwelling heavily on his mind now.

Do you know how fucking badly I wanted you to kiss me all fucking summer?

He had said that--he had yelled it in his face--and after the initial shock, Steve had turned that phrasing over in his mind again and again.

It was to no avail though; what was he supposed to do with that piece of knowledge? How was he supposed to handle that and do anything with it? Was he supposed to feel regret for not acting soon or regret for acting at all? Just because Eddie had said it didn’t mean he wanted it–and it especially didn’t mean he wanted it now after all of that. He had been right to be mad, and he had been right to accuse Steve of leading him on.

Steve still didn’t think he could face genuinely pursuing Eddie, because what was worse than it not working out was the idea of Eddie accepting and risking his heart further. If he accepted that would mean… Steve couldn’t deny the fact that he was a freak too.

The doorbell rang and Steve had to muster all of his energy to pull himself up from bed. The doorbell had actually rung four more times as he slumped out of his room and down the stairs, trying to hush it with a ’yeah, yeah, I hear you’ to no avail.

Steve pulled the door open and Dustin stood there with his finger on the buzzer, making deliberate eye contact as he pressed the button twice more, giving Steve an incredulous look.

“Stop it–” Steve scolded, reaching out to swat Dustin’s hand away. He pulled back before Steve could make contact, frustration evident.

“Just making sure it works–what took you so long, huh?”

He was being a brat, acting like he owned the place like he always did and Steve didn’t have the energy to do anything else other than roll his eyes and sigh.

“What is with you, man?” Dustin asked, pushing past Steve and into his house.

“Henderson–” Steve half tried, his hand slapping lamely against his own leg as he turned to look at Dustin, “at least your shoes–”

“Yeah, yeah,” Dustin complained, wiping his feet on the mat and then toeing his shoes off, barely stopping his stride toward the living room.

“No one else home?” Dustin asked, surveying the two closest rooms to them–the kitchen and the living room–before turning to look at Steve who was still standing with the door open.

“No,” Steve answered, exasperated as he shut the door a bit dramatically, pinching his lips and looking back at Dustin.

“Good, so what the hell happened?” Dustin asked, crossing his arms and behaving as if he was the older one here.

“What are you talking about?” Steve asked, picking up Dustin’s shoes and putting them properly by the front door before walking past him and into the kitchen.

“You know what I mean!” Dustin declared, following and then leaning with his chest against the kitchen island as Steve opened the fridge to get something to drink. He kept soda and juice in the fridge for if and when one of the kids dropped by–even though most of the refreshments were regularly used up by Robin when she visited.

“No, I don’t,” Steve answered, frustrated, as he poured the soda into two glasses and put one of them within arm’s reach of Dustin. He didn’t go for it right away and instead gave Steve an unimpressed look, one that could have put Robin to shame.

“Yeah, well, why is Eddie saying you guys aren’t talking?” Dustin asked, finger quoting before settling back down with his chest on the counter.

Steve visibly cringed as Dustin spoke, the glass halfway to his lips before he was forced to break eye contact with Dustin and look away. He didn’t want to talk about this. He didn’t want to hear what Eddie had been saying.

“What the hell happened? Cause from the way Eddie tells it something happened, it’s your fault, and now you guys aren’t talking. That’s bullshit, man. Just apologize!”

Steve grimaced and turned his back to Dustin, not sure if he was going to yell or cry. He wasn’t looking to sort this out and he sure as hell didn’t want to explain all of this to Dustin.

“Come on, man!” Dustin grumbled, finally standing up in order to walk a dramatic circle over towards Steve.

“If I mess up, I apologize. It happens! Ask Lucas and Mike!” He exclaimed, pointing towards the front door as if his friends were in that direction.

Steve wasn’t interested in hearing this, he didn’t want to be scolded and treated like a kid when Dustin was four years younger than him.

“It’s more complicated than that,” Steve tried, attempting to drink his soda again as he took a tentative sip, still avoiding eye contact.

“Bullshit!” Dustin hollered, his hands shooting up into the air and then letting them fall again with a loud slap against his thighs.

“Come on, man. We’re helping him pack the van today.”

Steve’s stomach flopped hearing that and he hunched forward a bit as if closing in on himself would help the uneasy feeling growing in his belly. He already felt terrible and he didn’t want to be put on a time limit to sort out his own feelings. It was so much more complicated than that.

“Come on, man…” Dustin said again, his tone much quieter and edging into desperation. The sound of his voice tore at Steve’s heart a bit, the obvious hurt and confusion that was there because he just couldn’t understand why Eddie and Steve had fought.

Do you know how fucking badly I wanted you to kiss me all fucking summer?

“He’s not going to forgive me,” Steve said finally, placing his glass down on the counter.

“Yeah, he will,” Dustin insisted, that edge of annoyance back in his tone.

“No. He won't,” Steve sneered back, holding his tongue.

His tone seemed to surprise Dustin a bit because he went quiet for a moment which allowed the eerie silence of the Harrington home to make Steve uneasy.

“Well, say it anyways,” Dustin finally said, the words simple and somehow piercing through Steve’s heart.

Say it anyways?

“Just say it anyways and mean it… and then there’s nothing else you can do.”

Steve felt his throat getting tight at the sentiment behind those words. They weren’t wise because Dustin didn’t know what he was talking about, but they weren’t untrue either. Just say it anyways. Just say it anyways.

And then there’s nothing else you can do.

Steve pinched his nose and sniffed, covering up any emotions that could have slipped through. He had been leaning with his palms on the counter and he straightened up now, looking across the kitchen at nothing in particular.

“Yeah… alright,” Steve swallowed, feeling a bit foolish for having to have Dustin give him a pep talk. Maybe he was a bit wiser than Steve gave him credit for.

“Alright?” Dustin asked as if he needed to confirm that he had heard Steve correctly.

“Yeah, I said alright,” Steve repeated, putting on an annoyed attitude to cover up the fear and relief that mingled in his gut.

“Alright then,” Dustin replied, almost shocked that what he had said worked, “we going?”

Steve was hesitantly walking towards the garage door, a bowl of keys sitting at the far end of the kitchen counter.

“Yeah, we’re going,” Steve grouched, looking back over his shoulder as he picked up his car keys and rolled them between his fingers.

“Dump that, won’t you?” He asked, gesturing towards the cups of soda that had been left on the counter.

“Dump it? Dustin repeated back, offended.

“Yeah, dump it,” Steve mocked, holding the door to the garage open.

“No way!”

As if to prove him wrong Dustin hurried back over to the glass and made hard eye contact as he tipped the drink back and started to chug. Steve rolled his eyes with annoyance, obviously becoming irritated as he waved his hand in a ‘hurry up’ motion. Why was Dustin always such a brat?

Dustin finished the glass and put it down a bit too hard before belching loudly and putting his hand to his chest.

“Oh, uh, I think I drank that too–fast,” he burped, making a bit of a sour face as he walked towards Steve anyway.

“You think?” Steve replied exasperated, pushing Dustin through the door and into the garage.

—- –

Focusing on the road had been hard as they drove the short distance from Steve’s place to the Trailer Park. Dustin hadn’t stopped talking and Steve wasn’t sure if that was to cover up the awkward silence or because he genuinely wanted to try and liven the mood. Either way, he appreciated it in part, even though he couldn’t focus on all of that right now.

No, he needed to pay attention to the road and not get so far into his own head that he turned around and went home. He just had to resign himself to being chewed out and left for dead. Dramatic, but that was how it felt. At the very least that would mean he could properly bury this crush and maybe he’d be able to cruise through life not thinking about another man ever again. It was wishful thinking and it had taken him a long time to even admit that was what was happening to him–he still thought of it as this foreign thing instead of a part of himself. That was only half true though, because the worst thing that could happen was that Eddie forgave him. Maybe it wouldn’t happen right away, maybe it would be three years down the line or even twenty, but Steve wasn’t sure how he’d feel if Eddie forgave him.

But that was all he could do. He didn’t need to theorize and implement a fail-safe for something that was out of his control.

Just apologize and mean it.

Steve slowed the car as they drove down the gravel road and into the Trailer Park. Most of the homes here were new but still unimpressive. Many of the trailers had been replaced by the government program that came to do the ‘clean up’ and the real site of the ‘incident’ was roped off farther to the south. You could still see some of the rusting, metal homes through the treeline if you went looking for it. Steve didn’t go looking for it and he didn’t know of anyone in the party that would.

Steve had trouble pulling up because there were people all over the place. Gareth and Lucas, Mike, Nancy–everyone was here and totting boxes or struggling to move a heavy, wooden dresser. Fleetingly, Steve had seen Eddie standing by Wayne’s trailer talking with Benson before he had excused himself. No doubt he had seen Steve’s car, it was unmistakable; no one else with a BMW would drive down this way.

Dustin hopped out as Steve pulled to a stop. He took a moment to breathe as he turned the ignition off, the din of voices outside making his nerves flare until he finally mustered the courage to get out of his car.

No one drew much attention to him and Steve said some quick hellos before helping load a few things into Eddie’s van. He didn’t come back outside and Steve stood awkwardly with his hands on his hips, looking at the trailer. Someone elbowed him and Steve glanced down to see Dustin giving him another one of his frustrated looks.

Steve rolled his eyes and with the motion noticed that a few other people were watching him subtly. They probably all knew to some degree that Steve and Eddie had fought and that made him uneasy, but from the looks of it Eddie wasn’t going to come back outside unless he was forced. They were getting close to finishing the packing too, so it really only left one option.

Steve cocked his hip a bit and hung his head, breathing through the anxiety quietly before counting down in his mind and just walking into the trailer. No one stopped him, and the door had been left open for moving purposes. Everyone probably knew what this was about, or at least they knew Dustin had gone to get him for this exact reason.

Steve swallowed thickly as he stepped into the trailer and looked down the dark little hallway to Eddie’s room. The door was ajar, but he couldn’t see in and he was uncertain if Eddie was in there or not. Probably. If he had to place his bets.

Steve knocked quietly on the door, pushing it open just enough to see inside and spot Eddie sitting on the end of his bed. The room was mostly empty except for his unmade box spring and a few larger pieces of furniture. It felt weird to see it like this since the room had almost always been bursting at the seams with junk that Eddie had squirreled away.

“Yeah?” Eddie asked to the knock, only glancing up before looking away again.

Steve’s stomach flopped and his grip on the doorframe tightened slightly. Eddie wasn’t a ball of rage any longer, but he still looked distressed and he was pointedly not looking at him.

Steve swallowed and stepped the rest of the way into the room, half closing the door again before taking a seat on the end of the bed with Eddie. He didn’t want to give him any reason to refuse him, but it felt rude to sit down without asking. Eddie didn’t move away though–actually, he didn’t move at all.

Steve glanced at Eddie, unable to see his expression as his hair fell in his face, but his shoulders were hunched forward and his hands were limp on his own thighs. He looked listless.

“Hey…” Steve started, his tone gentle but not pandering. This felt so awkward, he didn’t know what he wanted to say.

“Can we talk?” He asked as he clasped his hands between his knees and looked ahead. He hadn’t wanted to ask that, but he didn’t know how else to start the conversation.

Eddie just shrugged in an indifferent manner, uncharacteristically quiet.

“So...” Steve breathed, tapping his thumbs together softly, “I’ve been thinking about what you said and… I’m sorry.”

Eddie tensed and Steve noticed right away. His shoulders rose up to his ears and his once limp hands were now fisted on top of his thighs. He still wasn’t looking at Steve so he couldn’t read his expression, but from his body language alone he didn’t seem happy.

“That it?” Eddie asked as the silence drew out between them. It hurt to be spoken to that way and Steve felt his airway tightening a bit.

“Y-yeah,” Steve answered, having to clear his throat halfway through because of how strained his voice sounded. He didn’t get up though and Eddie still wasn’t looking at him as he let the silence draw out between them.

“If you need any more help… moving stuff, don’t hesitate to ask,” Steve offered weakly, pressing his tongue hard against the roof of his mouth. Eddie didn’t move and Steve swallowed again, trying to remind himself he just needed to apologize and mean it… that was it. What else could he say?

With a heavy breath, Steve finally stood up, his head almost feeling light as the tension settled over him. That was it then, that was all he could do. Eddie would just hate him for the rest of their lives.

Steve stepped towards the door, intent on leaving Eddie to his peace and just wallowing in his own emotions for the next few days. He had lived through heartbreak before, he could live through it again.

“You’re unbelievable.”

Steve stopped as he stood at the door, his palm already pressed against the cool metal of the handle. He glanced back at Eddie who still had his head turned, but he watched as his shoulder shook a bit and quiet, bitter laughter filled the room.

“You came all the way here to say that?” Eddie asked, his voice accusatory but not as punchy as it usually was.

Steve pressed his lips into a thin line, not wanting to linger if he was just going to get yelled at.

“Yeah…” Steve replied, sounding sorry as he tried to steady himself, “I’m really sorry that I hurt you.”

Eddie barked a laugh and it startled Steve a bit, his throat closing up.

“You’re sorry that you hurt me?” He repeated back, acting as if Steve had just said the most unbelievable thing in the world.

The words made Steve’s heartache though, the sentiment behind the language so drenched in distrust and pain. All he could really think about was the insecurity that he had heard in every single one of Eddie’s words when he had tried to hide his scars or ask for a ride. How secretly fragile he was and how desperately he tried to hide that part of himself until he trusted you. How Steve had broken that trust completely.

“Yeah, Eddie,” Steve replied genuinely, his voice soft as he tried to speak to that heartache instead of his own feelings.

“I didn’t–I shouldn’t have done that to you,” Steve replied, his own insecurities threatening to come through as he felt his fingers twitch against the door handle.

“Why?” Eddie asked, sounding like a child all of a sudden as he curled up into himself. He pulled his legs up, wedging his heels under himself so he was sitting in a squat on the end of the bed.

“Regret it?” He asked, laughing a little bit as if the bitter remark had instead been an attempt at levity.

Steve felt himself frown and he let go of the door finally, trying to push past the stress that threatened to steal his voice.

Just say it and mean it, and then there is nothing else you can do.

“Of course I do,” Steve replied, watching as Eddie slowly started to shake his head, obviously starting to get frustrated again.

“That was a terrible way to tell you… that I like you.”

Eddie stopped moving at Steve’s words, his shoulders slowly hunching in more as he hugged his legs to his chest. He went quiet again and Steve resigned himself to admitting that this was probably as good as it was going to get. He regretted a lot of things, but nothing more than this–

“Since when?” Eddie asked quietly, his voice almost lost to the room.

It was Steve’s turn to freeze and go silent, as he stared at Eddie. He gaped at him, unsure of what to say to that before Eddie repeated himself.

“Since when?” He asked again, his voice a bit firmer this time, but he was still closed off to Steve.

“Since when…” Steve said back to him, understanding what he was being asked but unsure of how to reply.

“Since–” Steve tried, his chest flooding with butterflies as he tried to grasp at his thoughts, “since–I don’t know–since—since you came back.”

That wasn’t much of an answer but it was as close to the truth as Steve could get. He had been pining since March, but he hadn’t admitted it to himself for months. He hadn’t even wanted to admit it to himself today.

“All summer?” Eddie asked quietly after another pause.

Steve pinched his lips together again, fighting back the torrent of emotions threatening to swallow him whole.

“All…” Steve sighed, putting his hands on his hips, “all summer.”

Eddie finally moved as he tightened his grip on his legs and turned his head so he could press his face into his knees. Steve still couldn’t see his expression past his curtain of hair, but it was obvious that he was crying.

“You’re such an—asshole,” Eddie blubbered and the sound went straight through Steve’s heart.

“I know…” he swallowed, thinking back to how many times that had been said to him over the years, “I’m sorry.”

Eddie shook his head and sniffled, not looking up as he sat there curled in on himself. Steve didn’t know what to do, so he lingered for a moment before eventually sitting back down on the edge of the bed beside Eddie.

“Not like that,” Eddie muttered, shaking his head again and vaguely peering up from under his bangs.

“Sorry?” Steve asked, confused about what was being said to him. Did Eddie want him to leave after all?

“Not like that,” Eddie repeated, lifting his face marginally so his nose was pressed between his knees. “You’re a good guy… I’m sorry… I said that.”

Steve felt his heart lurch at those words, his breath shuttering a bit at Eddie’s correction. It wasn’t forgiveness, but it felt something like that. Mercy maybe. Mercy not only for what he had done at the party but somehow it felt like mercy for the past 10 years of his life.

“I’m moving,” Eddie mumbled quietly, his eyes red, but his cheeks freshly dry.

“I know…” Steve replied, sighing quietly and glancing away from Eddie.

“So…” Eddie swallowed, actually turning to look at him properly, his nose red and eyes a bit swollen, “so, what?”

Steve looked at him with confusion again, his voice sticking in his throat as he tried to puzzle out what this question meant. Surprisingly, his confusion actually elicited a laugh from Eddie who turned away again and pressed his eyes onto the top of his knees. He sounded half-charmed, and Steve let the note shutter his eyebrows up.

“So, what does this mean?” Eddie explained further, sounding shy.

Steve sucked in a breath and exhaled slowly. He hadn’t thought about getting this far. What did this mean? He didn’t know where to go from here.

“Do we…” he waffled, his expression pinched, “do we need to have a plan?”

Eddie seemed to consider the offer before eventually answering no and then looked back at Steve.

“We can figure it out as we go… if you want,” he offered and Steve felt his entire being quake at the prospect.

Figure it out as they went? They could just… figure it out as they went.

“Okay,” Steve swallowed, feeling a smile break onto his face for the first time in what felt like months.

“Okay, okay, yeah…”

Eddie let his legs drop as he slowly put his feet back down on the ground, his head hung a bit but his expression was much softer than it had been. He looked shy and perhaps a bit uncertain, but the emotions mingled nicely into the room as they both seemed to imagine the tender possibilities of what this meant for them.

[tessarionbestgirl]

I have yet to see a Rhaenicent hate on Harwin Strong the way they hate on Criston, and for the life of me I can't figure out why 🤔

Oh honey, you know why!

House of the Dragon has exposed just how racist this fandom is, and Rhaenicents take the prize.

But it’s not just the fandom, this show is racist af.

Rhaenyra sleeping with Criston is shown to be a mistake, so she quickly jumps into bed with first-man Harwin because he’s soooo much better than that Dornish creep.

Which goes to my main issue with Rhaenyra’s paternity crisis. If House Velaryon was black then so should Harwin! We don’t know who his mother was, she could’ve been from the Summer Isles. The fact they kept him white was racist, because no way can their white flower be in a 10 year relationship with a black man, no way can she have biracial kids who she puts above her white sons.

They replaced her relationship with Laena and gave it to Alicent because sapphic girlhoods are for white girls only.

Daemon went from loving Laena so much she’s the only wife he never cheated on to fucking his niece at her funeral because she was just a placeholder until white Rhaenyra became available.

Criston is the only one who truly loves Alicent, how does she return his devotion? By betraying him to the Aryan Queen because brown men aren’t deserving of respect and love, white women are better because feminism.

You have good points. Interracial relationship in this show are weirdly demonized. And the poc always get the worse treatment on the relationship. And this may be the result of white feminist writing.

Still one of the creepiest things I see a writer pull off with that Rhaenyra and Criston scene. Is clearly rape. Like he spend a good time fighting the idea and she slowly pushing him into the edge. And then give in. So of course he will hate after, because that is the thing about consent, you may enjoy something, but if it comes in a time you don't want to do it or you are forced to do it. You will bitter the experience. Criston situation remember me a lot of rape in marriage or yearly days of dating.

And then Sara tries to frame as "empowerment" lmfao. And then she goes fucking Hawin. Lmao you right, her babies dad should be a black man. the show made the Valaryons black for brownie points. But the consequences this bring to the narrative are so big and ridiculous.

First you make descendents of imperialist and slave owners...black people lfmao . And consequently make Rhaenyra extra dumb, fucking around with a white man trying to pass a white kids as bi-racial. That become such way bigger open secret that even fucking Daemon miles away knew she was fucking around.

Is even worse because Laena already is biracial and her kids with Daemon are very black, Baela is even more than her. So in comparison when put side by side with Rhaenyra kids is even worse. They not even tried to cast some white passing to make Rhaenyra look less dumb. And her relationship with Laenor is also bad. She boss him around and is disrespectful to him for the few scenes we get with them. She totally disregard his wants and needs.

Then of course they completely make Daemon and Laena relationship off screen, and imply he was just settling down, no love for her, no love for his daughters. And no polly thing going on. Because they totally want to erase the fact Rhaenyra is a very hedonistic character. But doesn't change the fact she already cheated on both her marriages.

Not to count the fact they erased the only canon woc love interest of Daemon....it was a joice.

And yes Criston and Alicent relationship. Lmfao you last sentence made laugh a little to much. I have nothing to add besides Justice for Criston Cole.

[imperatorrrrr]

Twenty Two Games Left in the Season

Its two in the morning, I have New Jersey Devils thoughts, so here you go.

We have to remember last season was not the plan. I think this is the most important thing. If last season went how last season was expected to go (we're a bubble team potentially fighting for a wild card spot), this season actually doesn't look as bad as it does by comparison. This season is so disappointing because we're, of course, using the lens of last season and so is everyone else. Now. I'm not saying last season was a fluke. All I'm saying is last season really colors how we're perceiving the team this season and maybe we should put all of that into context.

We knew this season would be worse. I think we tend to forget that the expectation was always that this season was not going to be as miraculous as last season. There were no moves made over the summer for goaltending. Fitz decided that he was going to run a tandem of Schmiddy and VV. That..did not work out well for us. We also lost two veteran defensemen and replaced them with one rookie defenseman, Luke, and one basically rookie defenseman, Bahlers. Remember, Nemo was most likely not going to see many games this season. I mean, I'm so happy he did because he's a revelation, but Nemo was not supposed to be playing NHL games, not yet anyway. There are guys on the team that are having pretty bad regressions, but that's not indicative of a bigger problem, it happens.

Injuries. I cannot begin to emphasize how detrimental the injuries were this season. We have not been healthy once. Millsy was hurt in the preseason. My belief is he was always supposed to be the sixth defensemen and BSmith was gonna be our 7D. Haula wasn't one hundred percent to start. Nico gets hurt. Jack gets hurt. Timo gets hurt. We have Laser missing random games here and there. Pally gets hurt. Dougie gets hurt. Siegs gets hurt. BSmith gets hurt. Nosek hurt. Jack gets hurt again. I feel like that isn't even everyone?

Sixteen back to backs in one season. Yes, its an excuse. Yes, they should have learned how to play in back to backs. But like, come the fuck on, man. That is brutal scheduling. Absolutely brutal. Our record would look so different if we had like, I dunno, just ten back to backs instead of a league leading sixteen.

Lindy Ruff. I have already done my Ruff rant, but to summarize, that man does not know how to utilize his players properly. Until MM20 was forcibly removed from this team, Lindy was using Nico Hischier all wrong. Until recently, Timo has been used all wrong. Don't get me started on Holtzy. He overplays certain players and underplays others. He played the same goaltender on back to back nights. He doesn't switch out goalies until its too late. His defensive pair decisions are ass. And thats not even getting to the fact that his only in game strategy is to shorten the bench and/or change the lines. Its endless, really.

Now I know this sounds like I'm making a doom and gloom post, but hear me out.

It isn't over. We are still, somehow, in the playoff hunt. Can you believe, that even with all this adversity we've faced this season, there's still a chance they could squeak in?

Fundamentally, the team is not the issue. I think thats really important. I think there's been a lot of questions around whether last season was a fluke or that these aren't the guys that are going to lead the Devils to a Cup run. I truly don't think thats the case. Do we need a goalie? Yeah. But Dawsy is showing signs of being steady. Akira is showing signs of being steady. Even VV had a handful of good games before he was sidelined. They probably aren't our main guy moving forward, but I'm not going to sit here and hate on goalies man, thats absolutely not my MO. We have the pieces. We really, really have the pieces. When they're played correctly and put with the right linemates, our stars can really shine. Siegs was having a pretty brutal year, but you see him getting back to shades of himself when he's paired with Nemo. Kevvy was also having a bit of a bad year too, and his last, what, ten or so games, have been lights out. I think Johnny and Luke together really work. Loads of people were bemoaning the Timo trade and look he's played properly and he has like what four or five points in his last four or five games. You find the right line combos for our top six/top nine, and oh man can we really get cooking. There's going to be growing pains sure, but you have to remember how young this team is. But we have the pieces. We have our core. The elements are there. This team has the foundation to truly fly.

This young team is learning to deal with pressure. That is the main difference between last season and this season. There weren't any expectations for the Devils last season outside of whatever internal ones they had in their locker room, so everything was gravy. This season, however, this season you have a lot of external pressure. Being named Cup favorites or Cup contenders by every major NHL media source in the summer and in the lead up to the season, that is very new for the majority of the guys on this team. And they're gonna have to learn how to respond to it. And it may be painful. You know I'm the first person to rag on Lindy, but I think his comment about the pressure from the reporters leading to the unsuccessful powerplay was actually really telling. These Devils have not had to deal with any expectations. And now they do. And dealing with that mentally and not letting it affect your game is a learning process, its a growing process. How do you silence the doubt not only from the outside but internally within yourself? That isn't automatic. Each of these guys needs to figure it out. And they will. Together. This is not a case of these boys getting too high and mighty on themselves because everyone thought they'd cruise to the playoffs. No. Not at all. This is a case of being in a brand new position in the NHL and figuring out how to navigate it.

This season is not a disaster. Now, I'm not saying this season isn't cursed. It definitely is. But its not a disaster. Its not a write off. Its part of the process. Its part of our window. Our window, which remember, only really opened last season and even then it opened at least a season earlier than everyone expected, is at its very beginning stages. Its frustrating to see them seemingly "waste" a year of prime Jack, Nico, Jesper, Timo, et al, but its wrong to look at it as a waste. It isn't a waste. This is why they call it a window and not like a singular shot or whatever.

I think I'm ceasing to make sense now and it is past three in the morning, so I'm going to stop typing.

TL;DR: I love the New Jersey Devils. I will always love the New Jersey Devils. I refuse to hate this team. I refuse to say this team sucks. I refuse to give up on this team. We've had a tough season. It isn't over though. And I hope we get to see them play some fun hockey as we have a little over a month of regular season hockey left to play.

[looselipssinkships-x]

fall out boy lyrics that make me think of the places i grew up

this town is wasted and alone -- death valley -- when i visit, if I'm lucky i get to drive around, and the nothingness is crushing. You go to school, you graduate, if you're upper or middle class you go to college, probably the local one an hour away. You have to drive an hour to get to the good grocery store, twenty minutes to the shitty one. You marry your high school sweetheart, or someone you met in college, you settle down and have kids. You have at least one family member who works for a company you're pretty sure is still just a factory, even though they have fancier names for it now. I look out the window of my parents' house and i can barely see the neighbors' house.

you were the last good thing about this part of town -- grand theft autumn/where is your boy -- i left my best friend in the city i moved from and god i miss her so fucking much. Every time i visit it's like we were never apart. Every time i leave we both wonder if we'd have made it had i not moved away.

i can't remember the good old days -- 27 -- your parents' house is supposed to feel like being a kid, running around carefree. I have not lived with my parents for eight years but every time i visit i wake up with that same chest crushing anxiety and it does not go away. Even when i get back out east it takes me days to feel like a person again.

every pane of glass that your pebbles tap/negates the pains I went through to avoid you/and every little pat on the shoulder for attention/fails to mention I still hate you -- chicago is so two years ago -- i did not visit for almost two years, and then only did so because my grandmother was dying. Had she not been, it would have likely been so much longer. I spent those two years hating that small town, because i thought if i hated it i wouldn't miss it, and it all hurt so much that it wasn't hard to try to hate it. (that didn't work, because even though it hurt, it was still home)

I know I should be home/all the colors of the street signs, they remind me of the/pickup truck out in front of your neighbor's house -- chicago is so two years ago -- it's the little things that get me, the parts that weren't so bad, the parts that were even good, the parts that killed me to leave behind. The first dance class i took out east i sobbed the entire two mile walk home.

whoa, can't do it by myself -- reinventing the wheel to run myself over -- this one gets me because every time everything just feels like too much, it's amplified by the fact that i did this to myself, i chose to move away from everyone and everything i ever knew, and it's therefore my responsibility to indeed, do it by myself

we're the kids who feel like dead ends//and the poets are just kids who didn't make it -- i've got a dark alley and a bad idea that says you should shut your mouth (summer song) -- literally all of my friends from home don't quite fit the midwestern mold, and we're all mentally ill creative types. We're in our mid twenties now and have felt like burn outs for years

I swear I'd burn this city down to show you the light -- sophomore slump or comeback of the year -- the same best friend from earlier. I worry the small town is crushing her and she's so, so bright.

the best way to make it through with hearts and wrists intact is to realize two out of three ain't bad -- i'm like a lawyer with the way i'm always trying to get you off (me & you) -- you make sacrifices to survive. Mental, emotional, physical, everyone's sacrificing something just to make it through.

it's all a game of this or that, now versus then/better off against worse for wear/and you're someone who knows someone who knows someone/I once knew, and I just want to be a part of this -- hum hallelujah -- the duality of living in such a small town where everyone knows everyone and still feeling like you have no place to belong

literally all of g.i.n.a.s.f.s. but especially: everybody wants to drive on through the night if it's a drive back home//things aren't the same anymore, some nights, they get so bad//i sleep with your old shirts and walk through this house//it's a strange way of saying that I know I'm supposed to love you, I'm supposed to love you//I've already given up on myself twice third time is the charm//threw caution to the wind, but I've got a lousy arm -- ioh was my first fob cd, and i listened to it on repeat the summer i spent commuting from my parents house to the hospital in the city to camp until i finally got an apartment. This was also the year i spent coming out to myself, terrified of the future and expectations i knew I'd never meet. I was also in love with one of my best friends and god it hurts so much for your first love to feel so wrong

I will never end up like him/behind my back, I already am -- headfirst slide into cooperstown on a bad bet -- when i first moved to the east coast i swore I'd assimilate and no one would know where i came from, but the second I'd open my mouth it would be "oh what part of the midwest are you from?" Over time I've learned to make peace with the parts of myself that are so unavoidably rural and midwestern, but there were parts i resented for a long time, because it felt like I'd never be free from where i grew up

I don't know where I'm going/but I don't think I'm coming home -- alone together -- i remember driving home from a college course i was taking my senior year of high school and just, dreaming of driving on, starting somewhere new

and in the end/i'll do it all again -- the kids aren't alright -- if things had been different, if i'd grown up differently, i wouldn't be who i am today. Also i almost got these lyrics tattooed on my thigh. Still might tbh

you were the sunshine of my lifetime/what would you trade the pain for?//and I just about snapped, don't look back//what would you trade the pain for? I'm not sure -- love from the other side -- leaving was, and is, so goddamn hard. Every time i visit my best friend, my grandparents, i have to remind myself why i left, and why i can't go back, and so much of that focuses on looking forward because if i look at the past too much i begin to romanticize the pain

scar crossed lovers, forever -- heaven, iowa -- i am so inexplicably, irreversibly bound to the people i grew up with like some sort of fucked up trauma bonding. Out here on the east coast, in the cities, it's just different. Even people who grew up east coast "rural," it's not the same. It's strong with friends from the city i moved from and even stronger with my friend who grew up in the same county.

[ghaniblue]

Wireless 2023 recs: week 1

My desire to read Drarry fic is returning so I'm making my way through this year's @hd-wireless offerings week by week. Here is a list of things I enjoyed from the week 1 round up. My favourites are marked with a ❤️. If you find yourself wondering why my list is 3/4 of the week 1 round up, yes I know, this bloody fandom honestly, so much good stuff.

[29.08. creators added after reveals]

❤️ Why don’t you like me? by @caroll-in (T, digital comic)

Failing to ask Harry out, Draco deals with his feelings in a very dramatic fashion.

Alive by @itsphantasmagoria (E, Digital comic)

Harry is lost after the final battle, but he finds comfort from an unexpected source

❤️ Before the Cold Sets In by @vukovich & @crazybutgood (T, 9k, fic + origami art)

But if I measure the sugar To satisfy your expectant tongue Then that is love Sitting untouched and growing cold - Cold Tea Blues, by Cowboy Junkies Sometimes, the person you should be planning your life with is already in it. Or, how Harry realised that true love is at the bottom of a tea cup.

Everybody Hates a Tourist by @wolfpants (E, 51k)

On a stag do in sunny Brighton with the Gryffindor lads, the last person Harry expects to run into is Draco Malfoy. After a glimpse of Malfoy’s Muggle life in Britain’s gay capital, Harry’s curiosity gets the better of him and he finds himself returning to the seaside again and again, drawn to the city, drawn to this new version of Malfoy that Harry barely recognises from school. Meanwhile, Draco’s just trying to live his big and best queer life: working for the weekend, chasing hot men, getting lost in Brighton’s nightlife, and making friends with the neighbourhood cats. Why does his former school rival and crush have to show up and spoil everything?

Don’t hate him when he gets up to leave by @deliciousblizzardshark (M, 2k)

The linens are white and empty, sunlight slanting through the window illuminating a bed that has been deserted. Draco knew Potter would leave; he’s always gone by morning. Draco doesn’t even remember what he looks like in daylight.

Take You Home by @lqtraintracks (E, 26k)

Everybody’s a little fucked up after the war, Draco especially. What starts as hate sex after a night out, eventually turns into something else, something more like comfort. And even though his friends all tell Harry he’s just being used, all Harry’s doing is making sure Draco gets home in one piece. He’s not falling helplessly in love.

If You Took the Time to Try by enoby_w (T, 18k)

Last summer, Draco’s impulsive decision to sleep with Harry Potter resulted in a bruised ego and a broken heart. Now he’s looking for a fresh start- something that was absolutely not just an excuse for him to run away from his problems. Only it totally was, and while leaving London might have been easy, leaving Potter in the past was not.

Title & Possession by @kbrick (E, 49,063)

Harry Potter’s life is going well in the aftermath of the war. Sure, his house is dark and run-down and might hate him (while his house elf definitely hates him). But other than that, things are good. Except, yeah, okay, Hermione and Ron are no longer on speaking terms. Worse, they keep trying to get Harry to pick sides. But otherwise, Harry couldn’t be happier. Well. Except for the fact that Ginny is being super weird about their relationship and never wants to have sex or talk about the future. But other than that, Harry is perfectly fine, thankyouverymuch. At least, he is until Draco Malfoy threatens to sue him for ownership of Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place, and winds up moving in until the issue is settled. Then Harry really isn’t fine at all.

❤️ Moldova’s Magical Tea by aibidil - a Podfic by cailynwrites (E, 2h 46min)

Neville Longbottom, Luna Lovegood, and—to everyone’s surprise—Draco Malfoy are opening a magical tea shop to revive wizarding tea culture and, hopefully, to bring the community together after the war. Harry, who is unemployed and trying to find his way in post-war society, wants to help his friends with their new business—but that means spending a lot of time around Malfoy. Featuring Muggle music from summer 2001, trips to the Muggle cinema, herbology and magical herbal infusions, and Draco trying to convince Harry that, while he’s still a snarky git, he’s no longer a bigot.

>> week 2 recs <<

[charleecat-bat]

"So, what's the scariest thing that's ever happened to you? What happened?"

Tiberius' Story- Summer Camp Sighting

Okay. I haven’t really spoken about this to anyone but, what’s a better time to finally get it off my chest better than now, right? 

I just hope no one gives me shit for this story. I’m not trying to fake nothin' for attention or exaggerate and all that bullshit. This happened. 

I was around like... 9? 10 years old? I wasn’t TOO young, but not a tween yet, pre-pubescent. Anyway. My parents had decided to sign me up for Summer Camp. I wasn’t sure if I was gonna be into the whole thing, but my gramps had signed my dad up as a kid, and while he hated it at first, he wound up loving it and going back to it for years. So I guess my old man hoped the same would happen for me. 

If only it turned out that way...

I’m embarrassed to say, but… I wasn’t as popular as I wished I was as a kid. I was picked on a lot for a lot of bullshit reasons. Especially to do with stuff I couldn’t help, like my fur colour or how small I was. I hated it. I was a huge target for a lot of the big kids. And for those asking ‘What about the counsellors?’ Well, you know those typical teenager-20-year-old counsellors in horror movies? That were less focused on the kids and more on smoking, drinking and putting their tongues down each other's throats? Yeah, those were the type of counsellors I had, and the few decent ones- well, just didn’t really do much to help me. 

What made it worse was that despite this, I was so desperate to seem cool to most of the kids. I did a lot of shit that wound up just making me look stupid or getting me hurt. Kids can be fucking cruel.

Anyway, not important.

It was evening time and just about everyone was sat around a giant bonfire, just doing their own thing. Honestly, due to how most of the counsellors were focused on themselves, I'm shocked that I don’t remember a lot of the kids sneaking off. Maybe they did. Wouldn't surprise me. I don’t remember quite what happened at this point, but a bunch of the little shit ‘cool kids’ that I wanted to be friends with so had just finished doing another hazing ritual to me. I even don’t remember what it was, but I do know it was embarrassing and upsetting enough to make me come up with some excuse to leave.

(imagine illustrated by @btm-txt)

I remember announcing that I was gonna ditch this place and go into the woods alone, and as a plus for me at the time, a lot of the kids thought that was ballsy since it was getting dark and not really recommended for any of us to be out there after dark. Didn't stop me, though, and probably didn't stop other kids doing it either. I didn’t care, though. I just wanted to go somewhere to cry alone without being picked on anymore. As pathetic as it sounds, this wasn’t the first time I came to the woods to cry. In fact, I was caught doing it once, but that just made me go deeper into the woods to avoid getting seen by the other kids. 

I was trying really hard to like it there, but I didn’t. I hated it. I hated it SO much. I wanted to go home so bad. So, out of my embarrassment and homesickness, I just started to bawl my eyes out.  I must’ve sat there crying for a good 10 minutes maybe, until a sound made me go quiet.

SNAP

The break of a stick.

I immediately sat there in dead silence as I quietly began looking around. Now, my first thought would’ve been it was more kids that found me, but you know as much as I do, kids aren’t that sneaky. You’d be hearing giggling and a lot of movement. Hell, a lot of kids I knew at that camp would’ve just barged through to laugh at me, not hide from me. And if it were a counsellor, they’d immediately be approaching me, not hiding either. So… the idea that someone was trying to sneak up on me was already really fucking creepy. 

I didn’t see anything for a bit, no matter where i looked there was just nothing around me except more woods.

Until I turned my head towards another crack of a branch. This time it was closer and louder. I quickly turned, and I saw this... figure. This tall, lingering figure; just standing between the trees in the darkness. it was hunched over, and its arms were long and dangly. It just… wasn’t normal. The one thing I could see clearly were its eyes. At least I think they were. These small white glowing orbs just staring at me. 

(Illustrated by @btm-txt)

You know those times when you’re so scared you just can’t move? That’s what happened. I wanted to scream, I wanted to run but I just couldn’t. I was frozen I just stared at…whatever this fucking thing was. 

I don’t know how long i was locked in a staring match with the thing for. But eventually, it just vanished from my sight. I don’t know where the hell it went, but as soon as it left. I booked it. 

I just ran in a random direction into the woods, which looking back now, was a dumbass move; I dunno why I didn’t go back to the camp, but I guess I just wasn’t thinking. I was just a scared kid who wanted to get away from whatever I saw. After running out of breath and hiding under a fallen tree, I just curled up, trying to catch my breath and calm down. That wasn’t easy, considering I was JUST crying, holding my breath in fear and THEN ran for it. So I may as well have sounded like an asthmatic. Eventually, my breathing calmed down, but I just stayed in that spot. I was too scared to move as you could expect. The woods were eerily quiet except for a few of the typical noises but that didn’t make me feel better. The coldness began to get to me, too, so now I was shaking both out of fear and the cold. 

(Illustrated by @starlitskvader)

“Tiberius?”. I heard someone call my name, I looked up and around but still didn’t see anyone. “Tiberius? Where are you?”. I heard it again; this time the voice was clearer… it was my dad's. My dad’s voice. I had no idea how it was possible but my kid brain didn’t care. I was happy, and I crawled out of my hiding place immediately. I started calling out for him. “Dad?! Dad?! Where are you?” “Come here, Tiberius. I can’t find you”, the voice spoke out again in a weirdly calm tone. If I wasn’t in such a stressful situation, I maybe would’ve picked up on the strange way my dad was talking, but like I said, I didn’t care at the time. I was just relieved that my dad was here and thinking I was gonna finally get out of there and go home. I started going through the woods, following the voice that sounded like my dad but my excitement started slowing down and it started to hit me. The more closer I got to the voice, the more I realised it sounded... off. The strange calmness was still not a warning sign for me, but what was is that the voice just sounded so… shaky? Fake? It sounded like my dad but something about it just didn’t FEEL like it was from him. More like someone trying to do an impression of him, but how was that possible? He was back on the island, ages away from here. No one here would possibly know what he sounded like except for maybe one or two counsellors but that was way too much of a longshot. Why would some counsellor be doing an impression anyway, it made no sense...

I soon stopped when I saw a figure again, the dark outline approached slowly and as it got closer it started to look like my dad. I smiled but… something felt wrong, really wrong. Something in my gut was screaming at me that I needed to run, but I didn’t know why. It was my dad; it had to be, I thought. The figure of my dad stopped, I could see some of the details, the salmon pink fur, the long curled spines, even the clothes, the hiking boots, and all the gear he wears on him. It had to be him, It was uncanny!

But something still felt wrong... “Hello, son. Come here, let's go home”, it stretched it's arms out. My smile vanished… now that I was right there, I really picked up how weird his voice was… something was really wrong with it. ‘Till this day i still can’t pick up on how it was exactly. You just kinda had to be there to know. You could just tell it wasn’t right, and listening to it made you feel like something was crawling up your spine. I didn’t move. “Tiberius? What’s wrong?” it spoke, taking a step forward. I started to notice this-this thing. Its arms were way too long for the body, and 'my dad's hair was starting to move, almost like tentacles or some shit... I couldn't understand what I was seeing.

(Illustrated by @starlitskvader) Stupidly, I spoke up out of nervousness. “W-...who are you?”. “It’s me, son. Come here, give me a hug”. The long arms stretched out even further and closer to me and the figure took a few steps forward, coming completely out of the darkness of the trees showing its face… it was not my father. That face. I don’t know if I could begin to describe it. The smile was huge and unnatural, going all the way to the cheeks, full of uneven teeth that made me think of a fucked-up shark. Rows upon rows of these janked up teeth. The eyes were open wider than I thought possible, the pupils tiny and barely visible. Staring into my fucking soul. And to this day the gaze of this thing, pretending to be my father, has haunted me.

“Come here, son. Come to me”, it spoke as it started approaching me. The voice fell apart and sounded more unnatural. It started moving with a strange twitch and making these strange sounds. After being frozen in utter fear this entire time, my legs finally moved, and I booked it. Just running back as fast as my little legs could take me. The entire time, I could hear a slurry of noises. The best I can describe them was like a bunch of demonic feral sounds, along with fast, savage movement coming after me from behind. I knew it was chasing me; whatever this thing was, it wanted me. I had no idea what it wanted to do with me, but I knew it’d probably result in me being fucking dead. 

I only looked behind me once… and the image of this thing, still trying to appear like my father, running around like a fucking animal. Running on all four of its distorted limbs and it's fucked up face looking up at me. It was at this point I started screaming my lungs out in terror; I didn’t even care if I was crying anymore. That was the least of my worries.

When I finally got out of the woods, I scrambled my way to whatever was closest, which was the stairs to a cabin, I think. I don’t remember how many people approached me at first, but i remember hearing a lot of voices, and eventually, a bunch of counsellors came running over, trying to calm me down. I was screaming, crying and thrashing around for ages. Not even the little shit kids were laughing; everyone was wondering what the fuck was wrong with me.  It took me ages to finally calm down enough, but even then, I just couldn’t explain. I tried to, but it came out as nonsense. I was a scared kid who saw something that was worse than any horror movie I’d heard of at the time. 

Eventually, the adults kinda gave up on trying to get an explanation from me after they kept asking me to ‘stop lying’ or to ‘make some sense’, but I wasn’t. They just assumed I'd get over it after that night or so and I'd be fine.

I was the furthest from it. That night I didn’t get a wink of sleep. I laid awake, shaking and hiding underneath the covers. I don’t remember speaking much, if at all, after that. I just shut down. I didn't do any of the activities. I barely ate. I was practically a shell of a person. I didn’t know how to process what the fuck I just saw.

(Illustrated by @btm-txt) After a few days. Yes. I know. DAYS. My family was finally called, and the counsellors told me my dad was coming to get me ASAP. I couldn’t even be happy about it. I think at that point they just made sure to have a counsellor with me at all times. Dunno what for exactly, since I wasn’t really doing anything and it's not like them being around made any difference to begin with. I guess I just made them super fucking worried.  When my dad got here, with my mom and grandpa, they all rushed towards me. My dad quickly hugged me and picked me up, but I don’t even remember reacting much other than curling up a little into him. Meanwhile, my mom and grandpa went from fussing over me to yelling at the counsellors at the blink of an eye. They were furious. I don't remember what went on with that conversation but I could only imagine what went on.

(illustrated by @btm-txt)

I didn’t hear much else about what they talked about, as my dad just put me in the car with my things already packed. He sat in the back with me on the drive home, just holding me as I laid my head against him. When we got home. My family, mostly my grandpa, wound up suing that summer camp over what happened to me and not helping me much at all during the whole time and not even seeing me go into the woods at all. The camp wound up being charged with gross negligence and closed down not long after. I don’t even think I said anything on the drive home or when I got home. I don’t remember when I started talking again, but I didn’t talk about this that’s for sure. It was hard though, I had nightmares and apparently night terrors for weeks, I’d apparently wake up screaming and when my parents would come to comfort me, I’d fall back asleep and not remember the next morning.  Speaking of no memory, I actually didn’t remember this for a long time. I guess I tried so hard to forget most of this nightmare that I eventually did. Well, most of it. I still remembered two things. One. I always unconsciously remembered something bad happening to me in the woods, so it made me permanently uncomfortable with the idea of going into any woods, forests or any of that shit. To the point I was even terrified of letting my daughter go camping with my dad. I couldn’t even give an explanation as to why I just said I didn’t like it but I didn't stop them. I just made it painfully I didn't like it. I'm not surprised if my Dad was a little disappointed at how much I grew to hate the forest. I know he loves the outdoors and camping, and I knew he was really sad he couldn't share that with me I could see it with my daughter too, how she'd beg me to take her camping to let her try it and I just refused At least they had each other. I always felt bad that I was so against any sort of activity to do with the woods without even having a proper reason for them…until now at least. They never held it against me though, and I'm grateful for that.

And two, even after all of that… I had never forgotten that face. I think after a few years, I thought it was some messed up dream, but it’s imprinted itself into my brain. That horrible fucking face. 

Now that this is fresh in my memory, I actually decided to look up stuff on the area of that camp and that forest… and it turns out. Some weird shit has happened in those woods at night. A lot of people have had stories Stemming from being stalked by an unseen pursuer, being chased by a weird animal, or even like me, having some… thing… look like someone they know approach them and talk to them. After doing more research, a few people think that it’s not a paranormal occurrence or some weird spirit or demon doing this. Instead, these people believe it’s a shapeshifting creature; it goes by many names, but it all means the same. It takes the form of animals and people in order to lure people toward it so it can kill and eat them and or then take their place as their doppelganger.

I don’t believe that entirely, but… I know for sure now that something definitely happened to me in those woods. It wasn’t just a nightmare or a fucked up scenario I imagined. It was real. I honestly don’t know what scenario is worse, if it actually was a dangerous person after me that went way too far, if it was something paranormal or… if there really was a creature in there. Something dangerous. Sometimes, I wonder if… despite all of these years, it’s still there. In the woods. Waiting to lure another person… Not like I’m ever gonna find out for myself, though. I am never EVER going back there. Never. 

If you read this far. Thank you and HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!