#i fucking HATE being left alone w my thoughts. brain spins a wheel on like 20 topics to think about and a lot of em

[angeltism]

so fucking bored oh my god ughhh

[filthyjanuary]

7-12 and 16-20 for the asks!

7. What do you dislike about your favourite season?

i think season 2 is the best, but as i’ve said before, my favourite is 4 solely because the first few eps i watched were from s4. i think season 4 is very solid and even though it’s a season that HURTS BAD because of everything happening between sam and dean, i think the show earns the conflict for the most part. the literal only thing that still haunts me is that the STUPID VOICEMAIL THAT GETS ALTERED IS NEVER ADDRESSED. like i hate more than anything that sam still thinks dean said those things. like i know jared’s said that sam knows dean loves him but i don’t care!!! sam /and/ dean deserve to know the voicemail was changed.

OH also literally everything with anna milton. she deserved better <3 sorry the fridged you and gave part of your arc to a man, queen.

also sam and dean should’ve found out cas let sam out of the panic room.

8. Thoughts on Sam’s demon blood arc

i love sam’s demon blood arc. his hot girl summer! in all seriousness, it makes perfect sense. mystery spot sets it up that sam goes dark when he doesn’t have dean, and s4 is the natural progression of that. i love sam being hellbent on revenge, and the blood drinking was hot sorry not sorry. like obviously the end result wasn’t stellar and the handling of the demon blood as an addiction was handled rather shittily in the show, but overall this arc is near and dear to me and if i couldn’t have the boy king, i’m glad i got this instead. and it brings up some really interesting concepts that get explored really well in fic.

9. Thoughts on the Moc arc

i hate this arc mostly because like dean was terrible...which makes sense, but even after the mark was gone it’s like... he never /really/ pulls himself out of that place. it also just dragged on for FAR too long. like it didn’t need to be like 30 episodes or however long. i do like that it gave us demon!dean being like sexythreatening, and that scene of sam cradling dean’s face and begging him to tell him that he had to kill all those people and just the general sam is dean’s colette of it all. also the end of s10 with sam on his knees and dean telling him to close his eyes is deeply fucked up and i love it for that reason and obviously that happened bc of the MOC storyline.

10. Fave underrated ep

i am highkey obsessed with 1x04 phantom traveller, 2x07 the usual suspects and 4x19 jump the shark and i feel like most people don’t really care about those episodes or bring them up much. phantom traveller is just interesting bc i think the character moments are fun and i am obsessed with plane crashes for some reason. the usual suspects i just adore because it’s really a great exploration of HOW WELL sam and dean know each other and just how alike they are. and unfortunately i really like the cop lady in this one. jump the shark was the second episode of supernatural i ever saw and for some reason something in my brain latched onto adam and never let go. i love him so much (i know it’s not really him in the ep but ukno) and i love how much you learn about sam and dean through it too.

11. Thoughts on BMOL

boring. like...the actors were not good at their accents. they wanted what bela talbot had in s3. i just didn’t find ‘the british are evil’ a compelling storyline in a supernatural show.... like girl i live in real life you don’t need to preach to me about the british. also like they set up ketch to be evil like worse than toni who i already hate because she tortures/sexually assaults sam by having him kill magda i guess? but then they end up redeeming him and he survives longer than both mick (affectionate) and toni (derogatory), like seriously one of the worst Big Bads they’ve ever had.

12. Thoughts on Mary

to be honest, i think bringing her back was kind of a stupid idea in the sense that the ENTIRE SHOW starts because of her death. but i felt like HAVING DONE THAT, trying to deconstruct her image as like this nuclear housewife was compelling and the whole clash of sam and dean who just want their mom versus mary who left her kids as a an infant and a small child and now has these grown men who are older than her needing things she doesn’t know how to give was very interesting. and i wish they’d done more with that. 

16. Any criticisms of their world building/lore

well i think everyone’s said it better than me that they can’t seem to get their stance on monsters straight at all and the show suffers for it. i also hate how like the later seasons especially just blatantly retcon so much. the prime example is the garden of eden in s5 vs s15.... the s5 version was so much more interesting and i hate that they brought it back just to destroy their own lore. the whole concept of the abrahamic god being like the ‘real’ god vs other gods just being minor annoyances didn’t like...make sense or feel good either. i also would’ve loved more exploration of like what the fuck it means to be a vessel and also exploration of other monsters/urban legends. like ok we get it ghosts/demons/vampires/werewolves sure w/e but there’s so much to pull from. it got repetitive and there’s so many other things they could’ve tried. hell the SECOND EPISODE of the show mentions black dogs and we never actually encounter one. or like chimeras... like there’s just plenty to dig into and they just get lazy.

17. What did you like about s15?

15x20 <3 also just...jack....that’s my son! MICHAEL/ADAM IN 15X08!!!! i think there were a couple moments i liked in like...the gambler and last holiday, and i thought belphagor was funny. oh! also sam’s nightmare visions were kinda fun even tho they led back to lucifer :/

18. Thoughts on Lucifer

he was a really excellent and intimidating villain in s5.... and frankly i enjoyed hallucifer as well because sure he was presented comedically but he was a deeply dark presence hanging over sam as a reminder of what he suffered. everything after that...sucked!!! it sucked!!!!! overstayed his welcome, letting him out of the cage again totally nullifies sam’s sacrifice and frankly he lost every smidge of intimidation factor he ever had. he was just annoying and whiny and pointless and sam should’ve killed him <3 fuck that guy.

19. Most uncomfortable moments throughout the show for you?

answered here

20. Define the different eras in a few lines or words (s1-5, s6-7, s8-11, s12-15)

this was meant to be short... and then it wasnt... sorry.

kripke: PEAK SUPERNATURAL. racist AND sexist but like i frankly do not care because the actually storytelling is so GOOD. COHERENT. i long for what could’ve been had the strike not kneecapped s3 and we’d gotten boyking, but hell the arc we DID get... so good. so fulfilling. aesthetics go off the charts. character dynamics so good!!! conflicts are earned!!!! there was a fucking vision here and it was unique and interesting and the show was COMMITTED TO IT. literally iconic television i love her so much. eric kripke needs a therapist but i’m glad he wrote this show instead of going to see one. 

gamble: sera THEE gamble.... overarching storylines kinda weak, but SO FUN! i had fucking fun! soulless sam is a comedian, godstiel was the last time cas was remotely interesting, like!!!! she gave us everything!!!!! gets slandered way too much by this hell fandom like yes the leviathans were stupid but the were FUN and the character moments in s6-s7!!! so good!!!! lots of excellent MOTW eps as well, which... as we know...i love. when the show lost gamble, it lost something great, i’ll die on this hill. i love u #girlboss.

carver: there’s a lot of good here and a lot i despise. dean steadily grows darker throughout the show but there’s like a real VEER into being awful in s9 that the show never recovers from. it makes dean very unlikeable for the rest of its run, mostly by virtue of the show not realizing how unlikeable it’s made dean because it needs him to always be right so the fact that he’s basically turned into john is never like....addressed in any meaningful way. some storylines (MOC!!) dragged on for too long, while others were way too short (TRIALS!!!) but ultimately i think there were some good ideas here and moments i’m fond of. season 11 is Beautiful. i love her so much. there’s some really excellent eps in s11 and the character moments are good.

dabb: i literally hate it here (jack sweetie you are not included in this assessment you’re doing great). it was just stupid. the characterizations of EVERYBODY sucked and fell flat. way too obsessed with pandering to the loudest faction on twitter. took the wreckage of dean that carver left and full destroyed him. like straight up could’ve done something meaningful if they’d bothered to address it at all but they literally didn’t ever make dean be accountable for his actions??? can’t tell u what cas was doing it was so forgettable he obviously had no purpose literally the only scenes i remember were a couple where he’s being cute with jack and that one ep where he and sam go to that old-timey town and sam gets brainwashed. sam like... exists, and his character is intact but it’s only intact because the writers that were left didn’t want to bother giving him anything meaty to do to so the were like *spins wheel* leadership arc that goes nowhere, and he just exists being kind and compassionate and putting up with too much shit. BUT HE HAD REALLY FUCKING EXCELLENT MOMENTS WITH JACK and that alone is why i think it’s worth the slog. sam/jack is my favourite dynamic on the show following sam/dean so...unfortunately based on that.... i can’t just burn the whole dabb era but seriously... way to make every character a hollow, one-dimensional shell.

send me supernatural asks

[lolainblue]

Thunderbirds   Chapter 32

T/w: Smut

                                                   Jane:

   The drive to St. Louis from Kansas City took about four hours, and it gave Roger and me some time to really talk.  We had tried to get in some much-needed conversation when we had wandered off during the guys' sound check earlier but I had run into Calvin (not Kevin, as I previously thought) of the ecstasy incident and I had to explain to him that my boyfriend (was he?) had not been cool with it and thanks so much but no, no more for me. Which then made Roger demand an explanation, which then started an argument, and we never really got around to talking anything else out.  I really need to talk things out. There was so much going on in my head, so much had happened the last four days, and I really needed help sorting through the maze that had become my brain.

   “Do you really think this is a good idea?” Roger asked almost as soon as we had pulled away from the festival.  “Getting involved with someone while you're still trying to sort out the mess with Angus?”

  “It's not just someone, Roger.” I pointed out. “It's Shannon.”

   “I know who it is, Jane. And I also know you went straight from losing Jefferson to getting involved with Angus and now that you're breaking up with Angus you're already with Shannon and I just think that maybe this is not the healthiest pattern for you.” Roger glanced over when he said Jefferson's name.  We didn't talk about him, we avoided invoking his name at all. I knew he wouldn't bring him up if he didn't feel like he had to.

  “It's Shannon, Roger. I waited all these years for it to be him...”

   “You spent years walking around and pining for him, I know, I remember it well. You also swore you were over him.”

    I had made a big show of saying I was done with Shannon when I got engaged to Angus. I was disillusioned with him at that point and I just wanted Roger off my back. He was so against me and Angus getting engaged. I understood now that had had nothing to do with my continued feelings for Shannon. “I lied,” I confessed.

   “I assumed. But would it kill you to slow down a bit here? How about you two try actually dating instead of this obsessive whatever in the hell it is that you keep falling into.” I could tell Roger was struggling to keep his attention on the road and not turn around and give me a full dressing down. It wasn't like I didn't deserve it.  My life was a mess and it was mostly my doing.

   “I don't know,” I responded after a minute. “Whenever he shows up I just lose my mind. I can't think of anything but being with him. I just want to keep spending time with him, talking to him, getting into his head, holding him, learning everything I can about him.”

  “That's called obsession and infatuation and it's not fucking healthy, Jane.  I'm not saying there isn't real feeling behind all that but isn't there a way you could explore that without practically moving in with him the minute you two get together? It was like this the last time too, one kiss and you didn't let go of each other for two days straight...”

  “Because two days was all we had. Of course we wanted to spend it all together.”

   “And your excuse now is?” Roger demanded.

    I sighed. The one thing I was sure of at this point was that I didn't want to let go of Shannon again, not even for a minute. I had wanted him to come on the drive to St. Louis with us but he needed to get in some sleep. I didn't care if it was unhealthy, I wasn't losing any more time with him, not after waiting years for my second chance. “It's just a honeymoon phase.  We waited so long to be together again.  It's just for this week.  Then we both go back to our tours.”

   “And then what? Have you thought that far ahead? Are you going to come running right back to him the minute your tour is over?” Roger softened his tone a bit before delivering the next line. “Are you going to live out of a tour bus because you're too afraid to be alone?”

    That hit me hard. “Hey, that's not fair.”

  “Isn't it? The whole serial boyfriend thing with you started after your Dad had the stroke and I started being gone so much.”

    My father had had a stroke four years ago that left him incapacitated. I had always been a bit of a Daddy's girl and it hit me very hard. Roger was at my side as much as he could possibly be, he was actually closer to my parents than his own, but he had a career that was in full bloom at that point so he often had to leave. It took a year of therapy before my father was even communicating again, a year that I spent with him and my mother as much as I possibly could.  It was also the year Jefferson flew out to New York to spend some time catching up with Roger and me. As much as I hated to admit it, I had been very vulnerable, and Jefferson, complete with his own issues and neediness, had been there when I needed a friend. We sort of ended up clinging to each other like a log in a raging river. I wondered if we would have ever become more than friends if we hadn't both been such a mess at that exact moment, but I wasn't going to admit that to Roger. Besides, he probably already thought it too. “That was just a coincidence.”

   “Was it?” Roger took one hand off the wheel and placed it over mine. “Jane we've been at each other's hip since we were ten. We've done everything together, made every decision with each other in mind. I know it scares me when I think about not having you in my life. You're the most important person in my world. It's okay if it's hard for you when we're apart. But there are better ways to handle it.”

    The issue he was bringing up was a real one but I didn't feel like it had anything to do with why I was so clingy with Shannon. “But it's Shannon....”

  “Dammit Jane, he's just a guy. He's not some mythical god of love and beauty come to rescue you from the Minotaur or whatever kind of nonsense you've spun up in your head. Slow down. You're setting yourself up for a really bad fall.” Roger took his hand back and tightly gripped the steering wheel. I knew he was frustrated with me.  I knew he thought he was just taking care of me.  But I had spent years downplaying what Shannon had meant to me and it was no wonder Roger didn't understand.

   “But he...” I tried to explain but Roger cut me off.

   “Is not as on board as you think he is," he said darkly. "I've been watching him. Something is off.”

  “He's just trying to sort through all this too. We didn't expect to run into each other again, at least not like this, and it's a lot to process. Plus, I dumped a lot of baggage on his lap.” I tried hard to justify what was happening but I had seen it too.

  “Jane...”

    There was more, of course.  It wasn't like I wasn't aware there were issues between us. Shannon didn't seem to be able to handle it anytime my behavior deviated from what he remembered. “I don't think he sees me, Roger,” I confessed. “Not really.  Not like I am.  I think he still expects me to be twenty-one year old Jane, still awkward and inexperienced.”

   “I think he sees you just fine.  I think that's the problem. You grew up.  I don't think he has.” Roger's voice had taken on that flat tone that I knew all to well meant he was trying to hold his temper.

  “He's changed a lot too, Roger.  And he's trying to be better. I think he's starting to see me more for who I am and he's adjusting...”

    Roger made a sort of growling noise. “I don't think I like the kind of guy that would have a problem with you actually maturing and becoming stronger and more independent.”

  “Well, that's a hell of a way to spin it.”

    The flat tone of control Roger had been maintaining evaporated. “Jane, since I have been here he has been selfish and possessive.  You didn't even notice how much he was pouting today when the guys were paying attention to you. And let's not forget the temper tantrum he threw when I showed up.”

  “We've been apart for seven years.  We just got back together. Besides you were defending him. I thought you liked him.”

   “I thought I did too. Actually, I still do,” he amended. “But I don't think either one of you is ready for this. You have a lot of shit you need to get sorted, Jane.  I love you, but you're a mess. And I'm starting to suspect he is too.”

    It wasn't like I didn't know that. Shannon and I both had our issues, but I was hoping that we could support each other while we found our way again. “There's nothing that says we can't sort our shit together.”

    Roger sighed, his frustration with me starting to further bleed through his patient demeanor. I knew that sigh well. “It's not going to work like that Jane.  I'm telling you right now.  You know I'm always right about these things.  I tried to tell you about Angus, and about Jake, and Nick and Ryan and...”

    Super. It was apparently time for the 'past failures' parade. “Well, I see we've moved into the “I told you so” portion of your visit...”

  “Come on Jane. I'm just trying to look out for you.”    

   “I know, I”m terrible at picking men.  But Shannon is different, Roger, I swear. What I have with him is so different...”

   “I know.  And I like him, really I do.  But there's something going on there Jane.  This is not the right time for you two.  You need to take a step back.”

   I think more than anything in that moment I didn't want to admit that deep down, I knew Roger was right.  Shannon and I may have had something special, but the way we were going about things was wrong. I just had no idea how to dial it back, I knew what happened every time I got within five feet of him. I tried changing the subject. “So are you and Jared a thing now?”

  Roger laughed.  “Hell no.”

   “Are you going to tell me what happened last night?”

  Roger shrugged.  “He's hurting, I'm hurting, we were very drunk. What do you think happened?”

    “That's not what I mean.” I prodded.

   “I don't know what you want me to tell you, Jane.”

   It was my turn to sigh now.  “Are you going to go right back to trying to fuck your way through the entire adult population? I know Daphne really hurt you, but maybe you could take a breath and examine why that is.  You know, since you're so into slowing down for self-examination."

   “I know why that is,” Roger replied quietly.  “Last night is the only thing I”m actually suited for.”

  “Fucking hell, Roger," I sighed.  I wondered how long it was going to take his self-esteem to recover from this breakup. "If that were true you wouldn't care that she dumped you.” Roger was much more tenderhearted than he liked to believe.  As wild as he was I knew that all he really wanted was that one person who truly saw him for who he was and loved him for it. “Just because she wasn't the one doesn't mean you have to give up.”

  Roger pasted on an unconvincing smile.  “Hey, it's okay.  I already found my soulmate. I have you.”

   For about the thousandth time in our lives I wished that whatever the spark it took to make people more than friends had been there between me and Roger.  It would have saved both of us so much suffering over the years.  But as much as we loved each other there had never been anything else between us.  “You know I love you, Roger.  But there's someone out there for you, someone that can be everything for you I can't be.  I know it.”

   “I doubt it.  But hey, I'm having fun in the mean time!” he joked.

   “Are you?” I asked.  It was a serious question.  He just blew it off.

  “Sure had fun last night.”

   “So then pursue that,” I suggested.  Roger laughed again.

  “Jared doesn't live on this side of the fence.  He takes very occasional vacations.  I just happen to be a four-star resort.”

  “He'd be damn lucky to have you.”

  “Sweetie, he's more emotionally unavailable than I am right now and that's saying something." Roger patted my hand again. "We're both working through some things. We just decided to work through them together for a couple of nights. It's not more than that, and neither of us is trying to make it more than that either."

   “A couple of nights?” I questioned.

  “He's coming back to the hotel tonight too.”

  “Roger....”

  “Hey, I'm not going to stop slutting it up now.  Not when I've got that hunk of gorgeous ready to hop into my bed.”

   “So basically we both know we're broken and we're going to be doing shit all to change it?”

   “At least for tonight,” Roger said with a grin. I wondered which of us was more frustrated with the other.  Either way, we let it go for the remainder of the drive.

   Once we got checked into the hotel we headed back to wait for the guys. The bus was late and we ended up sitting there waiting while some of the other bands parked for the night.  I'd gotten to meet a few of the members of some of the other side-stage bands, they had all been pretty cool, and I was really enjoying my week on tour, cramped, smelly bus notwithstanding.  I wished book tours were more like this, my life was a lot of empty hotel rooms and singled tables at restaurants and interviewers that asked the same questions over and over.  I suppose the guys had to deal with a lot of that too, Shannon had always sent me off when it was time for any of the real work side of things, but it seemed to me like it would all be so much easier with all these other people there.  I had been feeling so alone when Shannon and Jared had shown up at that bookstore.  I wasn't looking forward to going back to it.

   When the bus finally arrived Shannon got out looking like he had just woken up.  I climbed into his arms as soon as he was down the little metal steps, and he hugged me back, but he seemed sort of out of it. We took the backseat of the car on the way back to the hotel and I tried to snuggle up to him but he said something about needing a shower and kept firmly on his side of the seat. I turned the things over in my head that Roger and I had been discussing. I wondered what I had done now to put Shannon off.  I felt like I was working too hard to be what he wanted.  I hoped he was just tired.

  Jared and Roger were all over each other in the hotel elevator. Shannon held my hand and gave me a soft kiss on the cheek while I watched Jared flatten Roger against the cool metal wall. I tried not to read too much into any of it.

  Shannon practically flew into the shower once we got to our room, not even stopping to invite me in.  I unpacked my toothbrush and toiletries and gave him a few minutes to get his head together or whatever before hopping in myself.  To my surprise he immediately pulled me against him, soft droplets from the showerhead flattening my hair as his lips found mine.  He seemed to warm back up to me, leaving behind whatever goblin had invaded his head on the drive over.  I soaped up and washed away the sweat of the long day, Shannon turning me so he could lather my back.  He peppered my shoulder with little kisses as the suds washed away, his hands tracing the outline of my curves as he came to rest against me, his thick cock nestling in the cleft of my ass. I murmured his name, that familiar fire in my core reigniting with the feel of him against me, and turned into his embrace, but he turned the water off and stepped from the shower.  I was about to ask what the problem was when he scooped up several towels and took my hand, leading me back to the king sized bed.  He spread the towels out so we wouldn't soak the comforter and then sat me down on them at the edge of the bed.  

   “I hope you know I love you, Janey,” he murmured as he slid one of his strong hands behind my neck and drew me to him for another tender kiss.  I inhaled sharply, my heart swelling in my chest as our lips made contact. We had become oddly stingy with that word since our actual reunion, but after his strange behavior on the ride over tonight, I needed to hear it.  

   “I love you too Shan,” I told him as he reached between us to position himself.  He inched into me with agonizing slowness, a rapt expression on his face as our bodies fused once again.  I knew many of the things Roger had said tonight were right, that maybe we did need to slow down and examine what was happening between us.  But I knew that we were in love, even if it was a broke, sideways, lost kind of love, and I was determined to do whatever it took to protect that.

@msroxyblog @nikkitasevoli @maliciousalishious @meghan12151977 @mustlove6277 @fyeahproudglambert  @little-poptart @lady-grinning-soul-k