#i fr thought they were gonna say i was a weirdo freak

[junebluues]

"how do you think ivan is relatable arent you literally happy in a relationship right now???" why are you underestimating my ability to yearn tragically because that is exactly what i did until i embarrassed myself horrifically in front of them and revealed how i felt and they were like same. idk how it happened honestly

[gaoau]

i've been thinking a lot about Suo and i need it to stop, so i wanna analyse him a little bit and say things into the void. normally i like to psychoanalyse characters in fics but i've seen that side of the fandom and i do NOT wanna go there, so i'm saving myself by pulling the same thing i did with Nanao ig.

disclaimer: this isn't necessarily a theory about his backstory as much as it is what i personally wanna see happen. see, if i were writing him, i'd do very specific things that could go in various directions, but since i am not, unfortunately, writing him and he's not my character to fuck with, all i can do is yap. which, also, probably won't be very eloquent.

manga spoilers for literally the whole manga up to date btw.

i don't think we won't be getting a backstory on him, to be honest. with a character like him, yeah, the mystery is part of the charm, and having this much anticipation can suck ass if once the secret gets revealed, it doesn't stick the landing. but i doubt Nii Satoru doesn't have something planned for him. why would bro be leaving Suo's room illustration out of the fanbook if there wasn't something there to talk about? what is in his room to talk about? but that's not what this is about.

anyway i'm gonna be so fr Suo's built like a dog. he's clearly full of shit, and yknow, that's fine, good for him, but there are things that are so painfully obvious he's just straight up lying about. after his fight with Kanuma, which is deadass the first time we see him fight, he says he "doesn't usually get so emotional," which ?? shut the fuck up? that's not true.

i know a liar when i see one. we've seen him fight five times? six if i wanna be generous; in three of those he got crazy emotional (Kanuma, keel, and Endo), and just a tiny bit miffed with the gymnast guy idr his name fuck that freak. which, listen, to be fair, if someone touched a single hair on Nirei's head in front of me, real me too i'd kill a guy. but look me in the eye lil bro don't lie to me. real talk, though, he was more than ready to kill the keel dude, and was going to. he wanted to. he was shaking while Sakura held him back, don't play with me. he wasn't gonna stop just cause someone was interjecting.

bro was itching to kill, side-eyeing Sakura, spitting snark cause how's the hot-headed mf who jumps head-first into a brawl without a second thought staying more rational than him, the rational one? Sakura's talking to him the same way i talk to my dog after she tries to kill my cat. i'm ngl my dog has better self-restraint than this kid. he also just straight up xd's his way out of it? like "oh whoopsies! mb gang! i was just feeling silly goofy! 🤪" like he forgets he's not supposed to glare at people with murder in his eyes.

speaking of murder! this is where i want him to have killed someone before Bofurin. he's, like, 15? so there's not much time to work with, but the same way Kaji was going feral at idk 8 years old, i can see a world in which Suo actually went overboard when he was a younger kid. (i'm not saying this is what things are pointing at, but i want this to be the case. i would do this myself.)

he is emotional, i don't think that's up for debate. i understand why he gets so emotional and i do think it's very noble and cool and swag of him, that's a good person, somewhat, he cares about his friends and it pisses him off when they get hurt. i fuck with that. that's great, get him an ice cream (if he even eats fucking weirdo). but why are we acting like "i am chill ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ" when, clearly, that's not true?

here's where his teacher comes in. for how much grief i'm giving him, i don't think he's all lies at all. i don't think him liking Nirei and Sakura enough to not only speak highly of them, but also fuck a guy up for them, is a lie. i think he is as kind as Umemiya describes him to be, cause honestly, if Umemiya says someone is kind, then they probably are.

i don't think this is necessarily fake as much as i think it's borrowed. it's learned behaviour. it's teachings passed down to him by his teacher. it's discipline. it's not something that comes naturally to him, but it is something a person he respects and looks up to taught him, so he tries to live by it. he's very clearly been disciplined, probably got beaten into the ground by his teacher, got his ass handed to him again and again and again until he sharpened his reflexes and learned how to control himself in a fight.

he talks a lot about adulthood, talks a lot about maturing, talks a lot about self-control and whatnot. which, by the way, this is a child? lil bro you're fifteen go play on your switch idk. but i'd like to think this comes from someone telling him, "hey, what you did was not okay. you have a lot of strength and you're not an animal. use it wisely so you can one day grow into a proper adult." solely cause i want him to have killed someone. that's all i want.

i think it would make sense, really. how funny would it be if he was living similarly to Sakura? i've seen people headcanon him as a rich kid, but he lies a lot, and i wouldn't put it past him to be living in a sad, lonely one-room apartment. there's a billion ways things could be done with him. maybe his parents didn't care to try disciplining him, maybe he grew up with no parents at all. he has a short fuse, that's easy to tell, even if he acts like he's got everything under control. it's a very Suzuri type of situation, so maybe it's not the direction Nii Satoru is gonna take things, but one can dream.

as for the eyepatch, i haven't really thought much about it. the way i see things, he's gotta come from a neglectful background, so losing an eye would make sense. or maybe he did it himself, i'd love to see that (i would do that with a character like this if he was mine). if his eye is even missing at all, cause all things considered, it might be sort of just a way to give himself a handicap to remind himself not to go overboard.

which, circling back to the self-restraint thing, i like to think that's the reason he doesn't really use much excessive force. not to say he doesn't kick and punch, cause lil bro packs a mean punch, but he doesn't gravitate to hitting people. he's usually using his opponent's weight and momentum against them, which is why i was decently surprised when i saw him grab the keel dude and wind back to bash his face in. he's not violent, until he lets go of what little self-restraint he has, and then he is. it's values and principles that come from someone else telling him how to behave, except he still struggles to hold himself back.

to put it in simple terms, if he were my character, this is what i would do. i'd have him kill someone by going overboard as a kid, have him be taken in by this teacher, have him disciplined and clean his act up by beating his ass, and then have him parrot all these teachings at people he meets later. cause that's essentially what he's doing, he's just repeating things someone else told him. what does bro know about being an adult he doesn't even pay taxes go do your trig homework. but he tries, and you can tell he's trying, even if it doesn't come natural, he cares about his friends and he cares about becoming a better person, he's just a little too quick to snap.

you know what i mean? he cares about Nirei in particular, he loves Nirei, he tries to learn from Nirei. (guys i love Nirei i wont shut the fuck up). but fr, he's got that Nanao complex where he instigates things or sets things into motion and doesn't quite participate. he watches from the back, for better or for worse, but he doesn't necessarily involve himself in things. he keeps a distance. he feels like the other side to Sakura's coin sometimes, learning about people and how warm they actually are. he's all prim and proper and nonchalant, but he recognises he's no match for Sakura and maybe even Nirei. after all, it's always Nirei the one grabbing both of them by the arm and dragging them places.

he talks so big and maturely about not meddling too much with people who can't quite handle friendship yet, and then goes "!" when Nirei tells him "? fuck are you talking about? that's the more reason to teach Sakura about friendship." it's the look on his face after Nirei, despite Suo's long-winded and logical argument, goes to Kotoha and insists they help Sakura anyway. he's learning from Nirei too. also Nirei's crazy endearing so real me too but that's beside the point.

i don't think these parts of him are fake, but they might just be artificial. he's still integrating them into his own person and making them his, but he still slips here and there. he's not quite there yet. i hope he killed someone when he was 8yo. that's all thank you for reading thumbsup

[mariailoveyou-guerin]

Oh he getting uglier and uglier by the day what’s happening he use to be cute but now he looks bad with this haircute and the facial hair oh this means obx4 is being filmed for sure because he only gets worse when he filming that show like he gets worse and worse for each season maybe that’s the point all the bs getting to his character, it makes sense honestly I can see it!

He will never be fine and I need y’all to wake up bc aint no way y’all lying to yourself this much bc u like his psychopath character, he gonna be the new Timothy who was the new Noah I’m afraid I can’t take yet another one!! Truly in his worst era and that’s saying something bc he was horrendous in s3 too wonder what happened to him at one point he was cute and okay looking and now he turning into just not it at all!

Streets saying he’s a method actor so for s5 he’s gonna be walking around like a corpse looking dead because his character will be six feet under love to see it but on a genuinely real level what’s happening to him why he decomposing in front of our eyes something is off fr

Forgot the drew freaks existed for a good minute since I ain’t seen his ass nowhere since obx ended and now it’s all back because they live on this app and on tktk like the true loser freaks they are but what’s worse is they out here making me defend rudy like he ain’t mid himself he just happens to be the 2nd hottest guy on that show sharing it with Nick out of the yt men he’s hottest but the bar was non existent so can’t even give him that win bc it’s not a win if there’s no competition but how dare they make me defend Rudy just he he’s not ugly like drew or below mid like drew but above mid

why they acting like he’s Jacob when he ain’t even Jacob foot in terms of good looks and talent is never coming near his pinky yt psychopath character stans are so weird yet so fascinating to me because they genuinely believe these men are hot bc they like their psychopath characters, I remember Kylo ren stans were ready to die on actual hill saying Adam Driver was hot I just can’t with them never laughed so hard in my life at first I thought they was joking but nope they was dead serious too whenever I remember I laugh so hard my stomach feels like it’s about to fall out, what’s not surprising nor shocking to anyone was they were all divorced hag yt woman and white unloved teens with issues! What a niche type of yt woman/teens who like them these ugly men and why do they all look almost exactly the same somebody needs to study that, there just has to be a study on it why they are always hag pushing 40 white woman or teen girls liking them all because they like their weirdo character a little bit to much and they also like and think real life serial killers are hot and have fan accounts and meme accounts for them sickos for real! may they get help for this illness

I get liking Jacob and thinking his character Nate was hot because the man is hot even tho his character is garbage but liking and thinking drew or Adam driver is hot bc y’all like their weirdo character yeah that’s to far way to far off the sanity 🏊‍♀️! let’s be serious about this

Adam driver attractive hot 😂 funniest shit I have ever heard in my life drew by s5 really gonna look like him to

[shootingstarrfish]

THANK YOU FOR THE TAG MEL @melverie !!!!! <333

15 Questions Tag Game

01 - Are you named after anyone?

My grandma!

02 - When was the last time you cried?

...this morning in the car SHDJFJ i cry a lot anyway but i was thinking too deeply about Jack's Song by Cavetown this time HAHA

03 - Do you have kids?

Please gaze upon my darling children

04 - What sports do you play/have you played?

I started playing basketball when I was about 10, but I haven't played since I was about 17? Not for any particular reason, I just haven't found anywhere I can play at (haven't looked much either LOL) this is making me wanna look into it again though :,D

Briefly played softball for about a year in high school, it was fun! I also enjoy cycling but I dont do that a whole lot. Did a bit of boxing during the singular year I had a gym membership, and learnt that I hate arm exercises with a passion but I love getting to kick things :D I'm also a freak, a weirdo even, who likes running hahaha

This is making me sound fit but unfortunately I spend 90% of my free time drawing fictional men so I don't do a whole lot of sport... ever......

05 - Do you use sarcasm?

NOT REALLY but people seem to think so sometimes? I don't know why lol

06 - What is the first thing you notice about people?

I dont, Im really unobservant HAHAH

The exception would be if someone has a really striking or unique feature

07 - What's your eye color?

Dark brown

08 - Scary movies or happy endings?

Happy endings, I'm a baby i can't do scary movies :,))

09 - Any talents?

At last I can talk about my one true hidden talent, doing a Mort impression

Is it a good impression? I have no idea, but I can do it

10 - Where were you born?

Oman! The only country in the world that starts with the letter O!

11 - What are your hobbies?

Drawing, shockingly, is the main one, but I also enjoy animation and clay sculpting! I recently got into plush making, I really wanna learn how to sew properly so I can make Belphie's big human world outfit jacket for myself lol

I needle felt and crochet sometimes but those are really time consuming and take forever so Im never patient enough to pick them up for long lol

At this stage I would also consider my general zine shenanigans to be a hobby too, I can't get enough of these silly things

12 - Do you have any pets?

Okay I'm gonna talk about them fr now so meet Pepper and Chilli <3333

This is Pepper, shes my darling little angel who could do no wrong, she's graceful and beautiful and way too smart for her own good and I love her so much <333

And this is Pepper's son, Chilli, whom you could never tell was her son if you weren't told cause he's nothing like her. He's very clumsy and not very smart but he's very cute and handsome so it makes up for it and I love him very much too <33

Not a single thought behind those eyes

13 - How tall are you?

Like 176 cm? Which I think is around 5'9 or so?

14 - Favourite subject in school?

If we ignore art LOL I enjoyed english quite a bit! I know apparently the big draw of math is that there's only ever 1 answer but I'm not a logic brained person so I don't like that very much. I'm a certified bullshitter, I like being able to say whatever I want as long as I can justify it

15 - Dream job?

To draw anime boys all day...

If I was to be realistic though I think a job where I can use art and be creative but in a way that doesn't take the fun out of regular art would be ideal? I don't know what that looks like though

Or something with animals

***

I shall tag @aspiringtrashpanda, @kawree and @featheredcrowbones no pressure ofc lol

[punkeropercyjackson]

Hi 👋

First off, I'm sorry about the weirdo that was harassing you on the percy jackson post! They were rude and clearly unwilling to have a proper conversation, and honestly you were definitely in the right in that interaction. (Srsly wtf were up with the noose pictures!??)

However, I had actually heard something similar to that they were (in a very roundabout and mean way) talking about, so I checked up on it. So as far as I can see: the problem is that Riordan has taken a neutral stance on the ongoing genocide in Palestine, claiming to support peace for both sides. This has led many people to want to boycott the new series.

Also, zionism (according to Britannica): "Jewish nationalist movement that has had as its goal the creation and support of a Jewish national state in Palestine" Basically those in support of Israel.

Tbh I'm not entirely educated on this topic, so this is as far as I know, I just thought you might be interested!

(Feel free not to answer this ask, just msg me if I've crossed any boundaries or if I'm wrong!)

Dw you're all good!!!Yeah fr,she was being such a freak💀And surprise surprise,she adressed neither my post @'ing her nor my reply both pointing out she was literally harrasing a black teen for being my friend and defending me even they're actively pro-palestine like that really made it obvious they were just looking for an excuse to be a dick and don't actually care about helping people and she deserves awful things for it seeing as the excuse she was using was fucking Israel and Palestine when she's neither jewish nor arab.And as for Rick,him being a willingly ignorant bigot with his head up his ass is nothing new but it's 100% valid to draw the line and drop Pjo on this one and that's why i'm firmly against using Disney+ for it and think it should be pirated instead.That's all i'm gonna say on this since i'm also not arab or jewish either and it should be the same for all other non-arab people and gentiles because it is isn't our place to speak on things like this and i know if i looked for the opinions of people who're actually effected by this they'd have different ones because minorities aren't a hivemind and it's very weird to act like they are(Also ty for giving me actual context instead of making shit up about me like that one asshole!!)

[twiggyart6]

collecting short funny things to write under fanart of characters you really love

please feel free to add more thank you :3

(this is long as shit be prepared)

ough

looking at them

my friend :)

mwehehe

augh

I can't believe this

brain blasted

what a little freak

do you even care

be so fucking for real

your kidding

what a weirdo

a wonderous creature

consider this

from my personal collection

what the

I'm so normal

I'm not normal

why are they like that

evil swag

TEEHEE

I'm gonna frow up

yeah this is pretty cool

pretty fucked up dog

have you seen this?

my beautiful princess

I'm ill

oh good heavens!

my son. he has every disease

this shit aint nothin to me man

I laurve them

yoink

just a little bit. as a treat

tell them to stop

me when I GET you

MY GUY

the psychic worm (wohwohwohwohw)

good lord

cuteness aggression towards them

what the fuck ever

im feeling something

sigh

me when the

GRRAAAHH

im fucking serious

love it when they appear

its becoming unhealthy

go white boy go!

your never gonna believe this

worst guy ive ever seen

their just so ... drawable

sorry guys

i saw it in a dream

she is very gorgeous to me!

i see them when i close my eyes

my little scrungle

be so fucking for real

i can do whatever i want

bitch

yeah

my baby girl

my little kitty meow meow

they've done something to me

i gotta get outa here

yep

my favorite white man

dude!?

full of joy a whimsy

going cray cray!

well....

erm

heyy gurl wasup

she is beuty she is grace

aaaaanything could happen

just like me fr

its time

yahoo!

divine retribution

yay!!

so was foretold in the prophecy

their so ... woah

yessir

god. fucking. damn.

they understand me

you are not immune to propaganda

Explodes character with mind

Forgive me

I would tell them my most depraved thoughts

for the win!

my treasure my beloved

awesome

oh yeah woo yeah

thats it thats the post

this above all else

-INHALE-

had to get it out of my system

you absolute baby buffoon

but make it epic

dont question it

gay baby jail

mwah <3

i want to make them into bread

no guys you don't get it

i got nervous

every fuckin time man

[puts face in hands and groans loudly]

no way

DONT DO THIS TO MEEEEE

take a deep breath

stupid little bow wow

cringeposting once again

abandon society, embrace insanity

god has let me draw another day

had to do it

changed my brain chemistry

so the thing is-

im going to make you so girlfail

pathetic wet cat

guys.

their neat idk

or something like that

ATTENTION!!

i have the disease and its terminal

shrimply amazing!

hits you with the beam

smile :)

send help

oh hi didn't see you there

no i will not elaborate

the creature is demonic in nature

i think there's something wrong with them

i think there's something wrong with me

its fine

woah woah woah

do you even realize what you've done

very cool

do you see my vision

whatever the fuck this is called

the strugler

interesting..

oh i got you dont worry

nobody move

character on the brain always and forever

#1 hater

funny you should say that

nature is healing

imagine a guy. now imagine them again

ooo mama

get drawn idiot

get obsessed over idiot

if only they were real

post this character instantly

your honor i need them

ive got some notes

A juicy morsel

I want to push them down the stairs

They wouldn’t dare

(Eyes wide and mouth frothing) yeah!

my beautiful wife <3

[save-the-cronch]

Sincerely Me

Welcome to my fic that is using a title that is overused! Anyways, this is based off a set of one-shots I posted, originally, on my other account. 

Enjoy!

Read on AO3

Evan kept his head down as he walked to the school’s computer lab. He had to quickly finish his ‘self-help’ letter before his mom picked him up for his therapy session with Dr. Sherman. Slowly, Evan pushed open the door to the lab and shuffled over to a computer on the right side. Silently, he logged into the computer, found the google chrome search logo, clicked on it, and signed onto his google drive account. He moved the cursor over to the google doc containing his letter. After he clicked on it, he watched as a new paged popped up, and his letter loaded onto the screen. Evan quickly read over the letter, and noticed that he left off with:

Maybe if I could just talk to her. Maybe, nothing would be different at all.

He silent thought for a second, tapping his fingers on the table. Eventually, he began to type out the last part.

I wish everything was different. I wish I was a part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean, let’s face it, would anyone even notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?

He stopped typing briefly. Evan knows this isn’t what his therapist had in mind for him to write. These letters are supposed to say the good things in life, but when there aren’t any good things, why make it up? Why not just tell the damn truth? No one would even care anyways.

Sincerely, your best and dearest friend, me.

Suddenly, his phone began to ring. Evan fumbled with it in his pocket. He quickly checked the caller ID and was relieved to see it was his mom calling him.

“H-hello?” He asked. Evan has always hated phone calls, can't stand them. Even though it was just his mom calling, he still stumbled on his words.

“Evan, I’m not going to be able to bring you to your appointment. They needed extra help at the hospital and I was the only one on duty. Also right afterward I’m going to class, there are leftovers in the fridge for dinner.” Heidi Hansen rushed her words as if she really needs to get back to work. Which, Evan assumed, she probably does.

God, Evan thought, I'm such a burden, she wouldn't need to work so hard if I wasn't around. I have so many problems. She has to spend too much money on my pills and therapy, I hate it.

"O-okay, yeah, I’ll ea-t that.” Even while he says this, Evan knows he won’t.

“Did you finish your letter sweetie?" Evan knows that all his mom wants is for him to get better. However, he also knows that she knows she'd have a better life without him.

“Yeah, I just pr-printed it n-ow.” He says, clicking on the little printer button on the top right of the screen.

“That’s fantastic sweetie. I’ve gotta go now, but I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” Totally fantastic. Except for the fact that his letter basically states that he wants to just disappear and never come back.

Evan nods his head but then realizes she probably couldn’t even see him. Stupid. “Okay, love you.”

“Love you too honey.” And with that, she hangs up the phone.

Evan sighs once again, and then, he stands up to go and grab his letter. Before he can even take a step, Connor Murphy appears in front of him. Oh great. Evan really hopes he's still not mad about this morning. Connor had thought that Evan laughed at him, and so he shoved him to the ground. However, what had really happened was that Evan didn't laugh at him, He would never laugh at him. He would never laugh at anyone really. Evan was just nervous, and so he let out a nervous chuckle. Because of this, Evam have a mental freak out moment. He still didn’t know if Connor’s here to yell at him some more or what but he was absolutely terrified.

“Evan? Right?” Connor asks, looking Evan up and down, then into his eyes. Evan shivered slightly and nodded. Evan didn't shiver because Connor was scary, he's actually really pretty. Like his sister, Zoe. Wait, not the time Evan. Shut up. Evan looked back at him, and he noticed something. Connor seemed like he was trying to tell Evan something, but then seems to think better if it and instead says, “How’d you break your arm?”

It was an easy question to answer, Evan had practiced the answer many times, but he still stuttered.

“Oh, uh, I f-fell. Out of a tr-tree.” Evan stuttered out, picking at the hem of his shirt. Evan hates lying, but he didn't want people to see how broken he really was.

“Well, that’s the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard. Oh my god!” He laughs out.

Oh, how wonderful. Evan thinks. Now I'm an even bigger loser.

Evan nodded, “Yeah, uh, yeah.”

Connor glances at Evan’s cast, and he seems to notice no one has signed it.

Shit, now I not just a loser, but a friendless loser. Evan doesn’t know how this could get any worse.

“No one’s signed your cast.” Connor points out as if Evan hadn’t already realized no one liked him.

“Yeah, uh, I kn-know.” Evan just wishes he could stop stuttering, dammit!

“I’ll sign it.” Connor offers, probably pitying Evan. Defiantly pitying him. Most people did.

“Oh, you, you don’t have to.” Evan mentally hits himself, what is he doing? He needs his mom to think he actually talked to people. Why is he telling him no?

Connor ignores him and He holds out a hand, expecting a sharpie. Thank God he's persistent.

Evan nods his head and then stuffed his hand into his pocket. He pulled out the unused sharpie and handed it to the taller boy.

He grips Evan’s hand and tugs it towards him. “Ow,” Evan mumbled.

“Sorry,” Connor seemed to have pushed it out. As if he's not used to saying sorry. Connor quickly scrawls out his name, filling up half of the blonds cast with it.

“Oh, thanks,” Evan said, with a kind of sarcastic, sort of thankful, and a bit of wanting to get the hell out of there asap tone of voice. Thankfully though, Connor doesn’t seem to notice and smiles at the shorter boy. However, it’s more of a grimace. He then takes a piece of paper from his bag and lifts it up.

“Is this yours? I saw it at the printer. ‘Dear Evan Hansen,’ You're last name is Hansen, right?”

“Uh, yeah that’s mine, um, th-thanks.” Evan reached to take it, but Connor pulls back.

“Because there’s Zoe? What the hell,” He whispers this, seemingly confused, and Evan begins to freak out. Once again.

“C-connor, please give that ba-back.”

“You did this on purpose!” Connor’s yelling now, Evan hopes he can maybe calm him down?

“What?” Very good Evan, ask a fucking question. This is super helpful.

“Yeah, you saw I was the only other person in here so you printed this wanting me to see it.” Evan knows that Connor is totally misunderstanding the situation. Evan also knows that he has no clue on how to deal with this.

“No, I-”

“You were hoping I’d freak out right? So you can tell everyone what a fucking freak I am?”

“No, please-”

“Well FUCK YOU!” The long-haired boy pushed past Evan and runs out of the computer lab. All Evan can do is stare at him as he runs, forgetting that he still has his letter.

“You what?” Jared asks from the other side of the phone, clearly enjoying the situation that Evan had gotten himself into.

“I-I printed my letter out at school and Co-connor saw it. He thought I wanted t-to get him ma-mad! He saw that I me-mentioned Zoe, and-”

“Wait, so he read some crazy sex letter you wrote about his sister? That’s messed up.” Evan starts to really hope that Jared stops laughing soon.

“It wasn’t a sex le-letter Jared! It’s for my therapy-therapist.” Evan is trying to explain this the best he can, but Jared doesn't like to listen. He never listens.

“You write sex letters to your therapist? That's kinky.”

“JARED!”

“Whatever man, but why are you telling me this?” Evan can imagine that Jared is probably lying upside down on his bed, playing video games. He's definitely not paying attention to their conversation at all.

“Because you’re my cl-only family fr-friend.” That's all they’ll ever be because Jared knows that Evan is too much of a weirdo.

“Yeah, okay, I gotta go dude. Good luck with that sex letter!”

“IT’S NOT A-” Before Evan can finish, Jared hangs up the phone. Evan groans, tossing his own phone onto his bed.

How the hell is he supposed to convince Connor Murphy that that letter was meant to cause no harm.

Also, how is he supposed to get it back from him before he tells the whole school? And, once the school knows how will he live through the taunts? No, wait, forget the jokes. Connor is probably gonna kill him.

God Dammit.

  Connor stared at the orange bottle in his hand as he sat on his bed. For once it was made, he wanted to feel productive for his last few hours alive. He also had a box filled with all the stuff he had taken from Zoe over the years placed on his desk.  He has about an hour before Zoe gets home from jazz band practice, and his mom won’t be home for another two. Connor isn’t sure when his dad will be home, but it’ll probably be late, as usual.

Connor uncaps the bottle and empties all the pills into his open palm. With no more thought, he downs all the pills and lays back onto his bed, waiting for the effects to kick in.

Zoe Murphy usually considers herself a lucky girl. She’s lucky because she made jazz one as a freshman, and sits in the first chair. She’s lucky that she is smart enough to be in most senior classes. She’s lucky that Alana Beck actually considers her a friend. She’s lucky that her brother doesn’t follow through on his death threats.

Zoe Murphy is also lucky that she got out of jazz band earlier than usual. A lot usual. AT least, according to the doctors, she is. Is she had called the ambulance not even five minutes after she had, her brother would have had no chance of survival.

So yeah, Zoe Murphy is a lucky girl. Luck apparently just comes naturally to her, and even though her relationship with Connor has been torn to shreds years ago, she’s glad that she’s luckier than most. Really fucking glad.

“Yo, Evan, did you hear what happened to Murphy last night?” Those are the first words Evan hears out of Jared’s mouth on the second day of school. Evan shuts his locker and looks at his family friend. Jared is practically bouncing on the balls of his feet, gripping the straps of his backpack.

“N-no, what happened to-to him?”

“I’m not exactly sure, but you know Calvin Ferrell? Well he lives across from the Murphy’s and he told Kelly Petie who told Kyle Gold who I overheard telling Kevin Lakes that an ambulance showed up at their house around five last night, and Calvin saw Zoe Murphy running out with paramedics pushing a stretcher with Connor laying on it out of the house and into the ambulance. Calvin doesn’t know what happened to him but Connor isn’t at school and neither is Zoe. So obviously it was something really big right? I mean why else would paramedics be there?” Jared is much too enthusiastic about this.

“J-jared! Why do yo-you seem so, so ex-excited? Wh-what if he di-died. That wo-would be te-terr-terrible!” Evan whisper yells.

“Eh, I wouldn’t worry about it, I mean so what? No one likes him anyway.”

“Jared th-that isn’t nice! You sh-shouldn’t say, say things like that!” Evan remembers how alone he felt this past summer, and knows that whatever Connor was feeling is probably ten times worse than what he feels. He hopes Connor isn’t dead, he decides that if, no when, Connor gets back to school, Evan will try his best to try and brighten the brown haired boy’s day.

“Whatever tree boy, I’m going to class.” Jared shrugged his shoulders and left Evan standing in the hallway by himself. Evan sighs. He knows Jared fakes a lot of how he acts. He just wishes Jared was like he was when they were younger, his actual friend.

Dear Connor Murphy,

I heard about what happened the other week and I want you to know I failed as well, over the summer. You’re not alone.\

Sincerely Me.

Connor stared dumbfounded at the letter in his hands. It was his second day back after being out of school for three weeks, and he had no idea as to why a letter had fallen out of his letter. He was even more confused when he realized the letter was addressed to him and not whoever owned the locker next to him. Then after reading the two sentenced note, he felt something inside him. It wasn’t happiness at being recognized, it was more like relief. Someone out there, though he had no idea who knew in some way how he felt. And who wouldn’t get the smallest spark of hope after realizing that?

Evan watched from around the Corner as Connor neatly folded up the letter and placed it in his hoodie pocket. Then he saw the brown haired boy give a small smile, and Evan couldn’t help but smile as well.

For the next month, Evan continues to write letters to Connor. He writes the letters on Monday and Wednesdays after his homework, then on Tuesday and Thursday mornings he shoves them through the cracks in Connor’s locker. Evan know’s that Connor doesn’t check his locker until after third period, so he knows that he won’t be caught.

Sometimes the letters contain personal information as Evan knows that Connor doesn’t know it’s him, so he’s not worried, for once, about being taunted. Sometimes they just include small things that happen over the week. Usually, the Tuesday letters are the long ones, informing Connor about Evan’s weekend, the Thursday ones usually remind Connor how great he is.

Evan’s noticed that Connor is usually happier on the letter days. He’s also noticed that Connor skips school a lot, but he’s always there on Tuesday and Thursday mornings.

Connor has gotten a total of six letters so far.

The second one was almost as short as the first, giving Connor one simple tip on calming down.

Dear Connor Murphy,

Counting down from ten is always a great strategy to calm down, in my experience at least. Also, my mom, she does it a lot, especially when my dad tries to contact us. He’s very inconsiderate when he does.

Sincerely, Me

Connor felt like punching this guy’s dad after reading it.

The third letter talked a lot about trees, as did the fifth letter. The fourth told Connor that the mystery guy has a crush on a girl in junior year. He wondered if Zoe knew the girl as the letter never mentioned her name. The sixth letter was longer than usual. It seemed as though Letter Guy, as Connor now calls him, was stressing about something and just couldn’t stop talking. It started out about a math test the kid had, then there was a paragraph on why trees are so important to the environment, then two sentences wondering if Connor liked trees as much as he did, and it ended with five sentences of the guy apologizing as to how long the letter was. Connor thought it was hilarious, and kind of adorable. He kept that letter on his bedside table.

After the next two letters come, and Connor finds himself wondering who the guy is, he realizes that he might actually sort of like him. But he tries to ignore it for two reasons. First, why would this guy like him back, especially since he already likes someone else? Second, Connor doesn’t even know who writes the letter, how can he like someone he doesn’t know. However, Connor does know the letter guy, very well from all the information he writes down. He just doesn’t know his name or what he looks like.

Evan sits behind Connor in math class, which Evan actually quite enjoys. Math is fourth period, which means Connor comes in right after reading Evan’s notes on Tuesday’s and Thursday’s. This also means that Evan gets to see the small smile on Connor’s face due to the letters that he receives.Evan always enjoys seeing that smile. It tells him that he was once again successful in making Connor happy. Evan knows that it isn’t a permanent fix, but he also knows that it works for at least an hour. And an hour is better than nothing in his opinion.

After Thanksgiving break, Evan realizes that he hasn’t thought, or written, about Zoe in a month. This really confuses him, how can he go from fawning over the guitar player to never even thinking about her? He isn’t entirely sure.

That is, at least, until the first Thursday of December and Evan catches himself staring at the older Murphy all of math class. At first, Evan tells himself that he was just making sure his letters were still making Connor happy. It wasn’t until Evan was in his room, trying to go to bed while still thinking about the long-haired boy that he shoots up, now fully awake.

“Fuck I like the school shooter.”

Which then leads to Evan actually slapping himself.

“Dammit Evan, stop listening to Jared.”

Evan continues to mutter to himself about the fact that he has just figured out that he is bi. However, he isn’t just bi, no, he’s really really bi for the kid he writes letters to, to make him feel better.

That’s when his mother, Heidi Hansen, Knocks on the door.

“Sweetie are you alright?” She asks, concerned that her son is mumbling to himself at eleven at night.

“Yeah, I’m fine!” Evan shouts back, quickly laying back down.

That night Evan falls asleep with only the thought of Connor Murphy on his mind.

The next letter Connor received he was surprised to see that the mystery writer told him he wasn’t into the junior girl anymore. At that, Connor walked to his math class with a small spring in his step. He knows that the letter boy might not be into guys, but he doesn’t like the junior anymore, he has a slight chance now.

When he gets to math, the kid that sits behind him, Evan Hansen, already has a notebook out. Connor remembers in middle school when he had a small crush on the blond haired kid. He can’t help but hope that Evan was the mystery writer.

Connor spends all of math wondering what Evan’s hand in his would feel like.

When Connor walked into math, Evan couldn’t help but blush at Connor’s happy gait. Evan can’t help but hope that it’s because Evan doesn’t like Zoe anymore, and maybe Connor likes him back. But that’s insane, who would like the wallflower anyway?

Evan spends the rest of the class wondering what Connor’s hair would feel like with Evan’s fingers combing through it.

The week leading up to winter break, Evan can’t stop thinking about what he should get Connor for Christmas. Sure, Evan is Jewish and celebrates Hanukkah, he knows that Connor celebrates Christmas. He only knows this because he overheard Zoe asking Alana to come over on Christmas Eve, as Zoe’s parents apparently want to meet her.

Evan wasn’t sure on what to get Connor until he was at the store with Jared because apparently he needed knew flannel and his mom thought he was ditching Evan. Which, he usually does, but Mrs. Kleinman doesn’t need to know that. Evan had seen a couple black hoodies and remembered that Connor’s were all worn out and faded. Then as he was walking up to the cash register, money already in hand, he saw a bowl full of nail polish and quickly plucked out a black bottle. Connor usually as his nails painted, sure they were almost always chipped, but they were also always black. Black seemed to be his signature color.

Wednesday night, Evan wrapped the gift for Connor, taping his note to the present.

Connor Murphy didn’t go to bed until one am that night. Usually, he’s asleep by 12 on Mondays and Wednesdays, but this time he stayed up. He needed to get it perfect. Sure there was a chance that Mystery Writer didn’t celebrate Christmas, but that’s why Connor is signing the card Happy Holidays instead. It doesn’t need to be a Christmas gift. Just a thank you gift.

Thursday morning, when Evan went to put the gift outside Connor’s locker, he was surprised to see it propped open, and not shut like normal. Curiosity was digging at him, so Evan carefully opened the locker and was even more shocked to see a small wrapped item on the bottom of Connor’s locker. He picked it up, and then he noticed the card, which was addressed to him. Well not him exactly, but it did say To: My Mystery Writer and who else would Connor be calling a mystery writer?

Evan felt a small smile grow on his face as he placed the gift he got Connor on the bottom of his locker, and quickly put the one Connor got him in his bag. He then swiftly shut the locker and made his way to his first class.

After third period, when Connor got to his locker, he was glad to see that Mystery Writer took the gift, he was also happy to find out that he was left a gift as well.

Throughout math class, Evan couldn’t focus. He just stared at Connor’s head. Which probably wasn’t a good idea in hindsight as Finals is the week he gets back from spring break, and he really should be paying attention the review they’re doing. But at that moment, he really didn’t care.

The first thing Evan does when he gets home is putting the gift Connor got him under the small house plant he has on his desk. Even though he doesn’t do Christmas, maybe this one time he can pretend.

When his mom gets home and sees the gift on his desk, she asks where it came from.

“O-oh, well um. There’s this b-boy, C-connor Murphy, and earlier this year he wa-was in the hos-hospital? So, um, I decided to, uh, write him letters. I-I wanted to ma-make him feel good. So, uh, I gu-guess he got me-me a gift?”

“Oh honey, that’s so kind of you! I’m so glad you have another friend!”

Heidi was so excited to see the excitement in her son’s eyes as he talked about Connor.

Evan didn’t have the heart to tell his mom that Connor didn’t know it was him writing the letters, which is how he ended up baking cookies with his mom the day after Hanukkah ended. As soon as they were done, Heidi had already left for work, and Evan was tasked with the job of bringing them over to the Murphy’s place.

Before he left, he found a pen and a piece of paper to quickly scrawl out a note.

Cynthia is a bit confused as to who would be ringing her doorbell at nine at night. She is even more confused when no one is at the door, and she looks down to see a plate of cookies with a note taped to it. She leans down to pick up the plate, walks back inside and shuts the door. When she gets to her kitchen, she plucks the note from the plate and reads it.

Dear Connor Murphy

Have an excellent Christmas

Sincerely Me.

Cynthia can’t help but grin at the fact that Connor has a friend. She can’t remember the last time Connor even talked about a friend. Cynthia places the note back onto the plate, then proceeds to pick the plate up and carry it upstairs to her son’s room.

She knocks twice on the door, and the music that was blaring from inside is turned off. She hears heavy footsteps and then the door opens, revealing her son who seems to not have gotten dressed today. Instead, he is in sweats, a tank top, and has an apron covered in paint over his pajamas.

Cynthia doesn’t fail to notice the hard glare on her son’s face, and so she just holds up the plate.

Connor glances at it, and noticing the note, he picks it up and reads it.

Cynthia also doesn’t fail to notice the small smile and slight blush that Connor suddenly now has, as he takes the plate of cookies and ducks back into his room.

Cynthia can already tell that whoever this new friend is, is a good fit for her boy.

Christmas morning comes, and Evan figures that now is a good time to open Connor’s present. He brings the gift over to his bed. He tears open the wrapping paper and finds a book with a note covering the title.

Dear Mystery Writer

You always talk, or write, about how you love trees, so, here.

Evan flips the paper over and sees a beautifully drown Oak tree on the back. Evan knew Connor drew, as that’s what he does for most of math, but he never knew he could draw so, realistically. Before even glancing at what the title says, Evan gets up to pin the tree to his headboard, smiling proudly at it, before looking at the book.

Evan laughs when he sees it’s the Encyclopedia of Trees.

Connor also sits on his bed as he opens Mystery Writer’s gift. First, he looks at the note that was taped to the gift.

Dear Connor Murphy,

Your sweatshirts seem to have a lot of holes, I didn’t know if it was for comfort or what but I got you a new one. Oh, and I really like your nails so here’s some more polish.

Sincerely me’

Connor can feel the blush already beginning on his cheeks.

He unwraps the gift and instantly notices how soft the two hoodies are. He also decides that he will be using the new nail polish until it ran out. He can also feel his blush deepen and nearly scolds himself for feeling and acting this way. He shouldn’t start to like someone he doesn’t know the name of. He really shouldn’t. But then again, when has he ever done something he should do?

A week after school is back in session, the Kleinmans come over to the Hansen’s place for dinner. When Jared enters Evan’s room, he instantly notices the tree that’s still pinned up, and as Evan was gathering snacks downstairs, it felt only reasonable for Jared to see if he could see who drew it. It certainly wasn’t Evan, as his art skills were no better than Jared, who could only draw cartoon cats and nothing else.

When Jared is close enough to read the signature, he would have spat out his drink, if he was drinking something. Why would Conor Murphy draw Evan Hansen a tree?

When Evan walks back into his room, Jared plays innocent and asks his family friend who drew the tree.

When Evan blushes and says that it’s from Connor Murphy, Jared demands that Evan tells him why Connor drew him a tree.

After Evan is done explaining the letters, Jared can’t stop laughing.

“So first, you write sex letters about his sister, and now you’re writing sex letters about and for him?”

“No! Th-they’re not se-sex letter Jared! An-and I only wro-wrote about him on-once!” Which, was the wrong thing for Evan to say as it throws Jared into another fit of hysterics.

For the next month at school, Jared starts to act differently when he’s around Connor, and Connor severely hopes that Jared isn’t the letter guy as that would mean Connor has a crush on Jared, and he really hopes that isn’t the case.

However, for a slight second Connor is relieved when Jared tells him who the writer is.

Connor was casually reading one of the letters when Jared pops up and says “I see you have another love note from Evan tree boy Hansen.”

At that Connor watches as Jared's eyes widen and he quickly leaves. It takes a second for the brand new information to kick in, but then Connor realizes that the cute dorky kid that sits behind him in math. The kid he’s always had a small crush on. The kid he silently hoped was the mystery writer, is actually the mystery writer, and Connor doesn’t remember the last time he was this happy.

Evan was just about to walk out of school when he suddenly heard someone calling his name. He turned to see Connor Murphy running to catch up with him.

“Evan, can we talk? Now?”

Evan isn’t sure why Connor wants to talk to him, but being who he is, he gives a simple nod and lets Connor lead him to the tree that he usually sits under during lunch.

“So, uh, Jared told me you were the one writing letters to me. Is, uh, is that true?” Connor seems nervous and a little hopeful. Evan isn’t sure why.

“H-he told yo-you?”

Connor nods.

“OhgodI’msosorryIprobablywasn’tthepersonyouwantedtpbewritingyouletters. Sorry.”

“Uh, could you repeat that.”

Evan takes in a large breath of air before repeating his previous statement. “Oh god, I’m so sorry, I probably wasn’t the person you wanted to be writing you letters. Sorry.” Evan’s nervous that Connor hates him now, and really doesn’t want that. He wants to be friends with him, especially since that’s the closest he can probably get to Connor liking him back.

“No! I’m glad it’s you. You’re probably the nicest kid in school, anyone else I would think was making fun of me. I just wanted to say thanks. So, uh, thanks.” And with that, Connor dashes away from Evan.

The next day at school, Evan is surprised to see a note flutter to the ground after opening his locker. He bent down to pick it up and is happy to find that the letter is from Connor.

From that day onwards, Evan and Connor correspond with letters for each other. They both want to talk outside these letters, be friends in real life as well.

In February Connor finally lets himself fall completely in love with the blond haired boy. However, he doesn’t tell anyone, especially Evan. Either way, Evan likes someone else. Sure, they have some of the same features, but there are plenty of kids at their school with brown hair. And the way Evan describes his crush? Definitely not him. One letter Connor received was all about this crush. Apparently, he has beautiful brown hair, gorgeous blue eyes with a small bit of brown in the left, and a face that was crafted by God himself.

Sure, Connor has brown hair, but so does half the student body. And yes, Connor has a bit of brown in his left eye, but so does Jared Kleinman and this other kid in his AP lit class. And Connor’s face was most definitely not crafted by God. No way in hell.

So yeah, Connor accepted that he likes Evan. Like, a lot. But he’s also accepted that Evan will never like him back. And that’s okay. Or so Connor tells himself.

It isn’t until mid-March that Evan asks Connor if he wants to go grab ice cream on Friday after school.

Connor replies back with a no shit and his phone number.

After school, Connor drove Evan to A la mode, his favorite ice cream place, and they hung out at Evan’s house until Connor left at eleven at night, running into Heidi Hansen, who was thrilled to finally meet the boy her son speaks so highly of. She then asked Connor for his mom’s number so she could talk to her.

Both moms were ecstatic to hear about their sons hanging out.

They were also happy to talk to each other about them.

Both boys had a blush on their faces for an hour afterward.

And both of them fell asleep with the other on their minds, once again.

For the last two and a half months of school, Connor and Evan are practically attached at the hip. Evan was at Connor’s house for Easter since Evan doesn’t celebrate it and his mom was working. Then, they skip prom and just hang out at Connor’s house watching 80’s movies. They fell asleep on the couch, Evan’s head on Connor’s shoulder, and Connor’s head on Evan’s head.

At the end of senior year, Evan informs Connor that he didn’t apply to any schools so that he could take a gap year and save up for school for a while longer. Connor decides then and there to just not go to college until Evan goes. Connor doesn’t want to be alone, he’s not good at making friends, and to get through life he just really needs one. He got lucky with Evan. He doesn’t think he will get as lucky again.

Evan gets a job at the Pottery Barn, and Connor works at the Michael's next door. They always share their lunch breaks together, and they carpool to work as Evan doesn’t like to drive, and Connor does. Plus it means more time being together, and neither of them will pass up that opportunity.

That winter, Connor, and Evan were at Evan’s house. Heidi was at work, taking on the night shift and wouldn’t be home until early the next morning. The boys took advantage of that situation and broke out a bottle of bourbon to share as they watched Lord of the Rings.

By the time they were on the second movie, both of them had a pretty good buzz going on.

And both boys were a little Childish when drunk.

“Hey, hey Evan.” Connor whispers, giggling.

“What?” After there’s a slight pause, Evan asks again, “Co-connor, what?”

“Oh! Oh right! I wanted to tell you something.” Connor isn’t giggling anymore, but he still has a large smile adorning his face.

“And?”

“It’s very important. I’ve know for a while now. I wanted to tell you sooner, but I was nervous. Haha, I’m kind of nervous now, but like, less than usual. You know?”

“Co-con, just to-tell me. Please?”

“Oh right! I haven’t said it yet! Well, I like you!”

“I know th-that Con! That’s why we-we’re best fri-friends!”

“No! I mean I love you! Like, I want to date you and kiss you! All the time. But I don’t cause I don’t think you’d like that.”

“Well, th-that’s not true Co-con! I want to kiss you all the time too!”

“Really?” Connor’s very surprised, but also extremely happy.

“Ye-yeah!”

“Then, can I kiss you?”

Evan answers with a swift nod and Connor grabs Evan’s shirt collar and pulls him in for a sweet kiss, that’s long overdue.

When they pull back, neither of the boys have their eyes opened all the way. They’re both smiling, and they’re both still gripping onto each other.

Evan goes in for another kiss, and they fall back onto the couch, kissing lazily until they fall asleep, Evan on top of Connor, arms, and legs tangled, smiles still on their faces.

When Heidi comes home, she promptly ignores the bottle of whiskey on the coffee table. Instead, she grabs a blanket from the basket by the TV and spreads it over her son and his new boyfriend. She smiles as she takes out her phone to send a picture to Cynthia, telling her that she expects the twenty bucks the next time they go out for coffee together.

She also decides that she’ll talk to the boys about the bottle after she congratulates them.