#i found this in my files realized i didnt post it anywhere

[chevs-and-spiders]

vampire hunter d

[loveletterworm]

problem i have is that  i really struggle with the tendency to just sort of make characters with the same like three personalities over and over  and also reusing random concepts or design elements in what are supposed to be entirely unrelated things (the latter is kind of normal i guess actually but it compounds the first problem a bit)  so whenever i realize i have two different ideas with unusually similar characters i always have to go like.  Well damn it which one of you gets to live cuz i can’t ever show my face in the world if people know i keep making the exact same thing over and over

[seapandora]

Illusion, Part 3/?

Illusion｜Part 3/?

Bucky x oc!Lori

Warnings: Angst, betrayal, swearing, torture, violence

A/N: Part 3 already. And so many more parts to go! I´d be lying if I said I wasn’t tired of this particualr fic every now and then. Luckily for me, my brain knew this would happen. So, the old full part 3 and 4 are both done. Now I just have to edit them. I hope you guys enjoyed this holiday themed part, the next two parts will also be hoiday themed. I wanted them to be released before Christmas, but oh well… Again I hope you guys enjoyed this one! Comment/ share and like if you can! GIF-cred to owner as always! Holler if you want to be put on the taglist!

Summary: Reader is a supersoldier, one of a number, one of nine. Hydra´s backup for the asset. The group was started in 1974 and has been working under the radar, training for the day when the asset no longer exists. Lori is the only one left. Left in a cryo, she wasn’t discovered until 2023 when a certain captain and his buddy found her.

Words: 6557

Taglist: @selfsun​

2024

December was a weird month. It was dark and gloomy, but full of light and happiness. Bucky had been planning the trip to Steve for a while. He was always visiting Steve around Christmas-time, but he had a special plan this time. Lori would come with him, Sam would too. But it was the first time Lori would meet Steve. She knew all about him by now. Steve knew off her, but seeing as he wasn´t military or an avenger anymore, and he didn´t have access to her files. He only knew what Bucky had told him.

Lori had been made aware of the plans in advance so that she could plan a good gift for Americas golden boy. Even if the stories Bucky had told her didn´t paint him in that light. She liked hearing Bucky talk about Steve, and the time before the war. He had retrieved most of his memories from that time, but he liked talking about it because it made him feel less like a monster. Lori had thought long and hard about what she would get Steve. She really wanted to impress him.

December 23rd rolled around a lot quicker than anyone had expected, despite December being a very quiet month, with just one, very simple, mission. This was the day they were visiting Steve in his cabin. Peggy had passed away a few years earlier. Despite Steve going back in time, he hadn´t been able to change Peggys destiny, or her cause of death. It had taken a toll on the former Captain, but he was beginning to be happy, finally. He had his art and the occasional visit from his friends, and of course he had the kids he had made with Peggy.

Bucky was beyond nervous for letting the two super-soldiers meet, but he was looking forward to hear Steves thoughts on Lori. He was driving with Lori and Sam. The others had been sent on a mission the night before, and would be home that afternoon, meaning they missed out on meeting Steve. They had all agreed to go meet up with Steve around New Years instead. Lori sat in the back listening to music while Sam sat besides Bucky. They were bickering like always and Lori had decided music was the best way to cut them out.

“Newbie, hey Lori… Are you even listening?” Sam asked and reached back to grab her leg. Lori wisely moved her leg out of the way and slapped Sams arm. “What do you want potoo?” She asked and raised her eyebrows at the man in the passenger seat. She had taken to calling him potoo about a month ago, for no other reason than to piss him off. At first Sam hadn´t understood the joke but he had done some research and found out that potoos were weird-looking birds with crazy eyes. He wasn´t ashamed to admit that he was offended at first, but only until he realized that Lori would have had to go out of her way to look up weird birds to give him a nickname that was special to her, and her alone. After he realized that he had no issues with it. “We´re about to arrive so put your shoes and jacket on,” he explained and nodded to a small cabin showing up on the road in front of them.

She did as she was told. She wasn´t sure why, but Sam had accepted her as if she was his younger sister and despite everything, Lori trusted Sam. More than anyone really. Apart from Bucky of course, but Bucky was different. Much between Lori and Bucky was different. Bucky was the first one Lori had opened up to. She had already told him a lot about herself and her time with Hydra. He knew about most of the bad stuff she had been forced into. He had also seen her at her worst.

In October Lori had begun showing signs of post traumatic stress disorder, a disorder Helen had later given her. It had started with Lori being unable to sleep and she had instead stayed up for longer than she should. When she did start sleeping she had nightmares, bad ones. They were about her time in Hydra. Some were just filled with images of the people she had killed, others were about her missions. But most of her nightmares were about the punishments Hydra would give her. The nights they would tie her to a bed and torture her.

Lori would wake up in tears, and she wouldn´t dare to go back to sleep after that. One rainy, cold night Lori had gotten up and walked to Buckys room. She was originally planning to go to Sam and talk to him, but something had enticed her to go to Bucky instead. Her subconcious had said Bucky would understand her situation better. He had been awake and he had let Lori sleep in his bed curled up to his chest for the rest of the night. He had read somewhere that hearing calming sounds, such as rain patter, or a heartbeat, could be helpful, and thats what he tried to be.

That was the first night in a few weeks she had slept well. From that night Bucky made sure that Friday watched Lori during the nights, and he would be right outside knocking on her door when Friday alerted him to changes in her sleep. Lori really appreciated it. She appreciated Bucky for wanting to help her, and wanting the best for her. He was constantly there for her, even when she didnt know she needed him.

The air hit her as Sam opened the door for her. She was in the midst of tying her left shoe. It was cold, enough for both Lori and Bucky to want a jacket, and Sam was wearing a thicker jacket. He didnt have super-soldier serum, so he wasn´t as resistent to the cold as the two others. Being who he was he often complained about it as well, and he could become very grumpy when Lori or Bucky weren´t cold. It wasn´t fair in his books. He grumbled as he pulled the jacket closer around himself while Bucky and Lori kept theirs opened.

Steve was standing on the little patio in front of the cabin leaning on his cane. “I´ve got a fire going inside and Brooke made us all hot chocolate before she left, so come inside and get comfortable,” he said and smiled before he walked back into his cabin. Sam and Bucky followed after him while Lori took a bit longer. She didn´t analyze her surroundings, she trusted Bucky and Sam and their judgment.  If they felt safe in the environment, so did Lori. Bucky looked back to her and chuckled before he stretched his hand out to her. “Come on slow-poke,” he chuckled and watched as Lori took some slow steps up the stairs.

Lori gently took Buckys hand and let him guide her inside. They all took of their shoes, considering Steve himself claimed to be old to want to vaccuum every second day. Bucky helped Lori with her jacket and hung it up for her before they made their way further into the cabin. The seating area was small, and felt smaller with the original supersoldier, and the first winter soldier. Sure Steve had lost a bit of his muscle mass but he was still tall and he filled up a space like no bodys business. Bucky was just buff in general, muscular, tall-ish, and his broad shoulders really made him look bigger. Sam wasn´t as big as the other two, but he was still tall and muscular. Lori wasn´t small either, but she had a very different baseline from which the serum worked.

They all sat in silence for a while until Sam coughed a bit. “So Steve, meet Lori,” he said and gestured to Lori who waved shyly from her seat besides Bucky. “Lori, where are you from? I´ve heard a bit about you, but when were you born? And where?” He asked with a kind smile. He didn´t want to overdo things already, but he needed to know who she was before he trusted her. Before he could trust her to be around Bucky. Lori looked at him and played with her fingers. “Ehum, I was born in 1959 inSweden,” she answered and looked down at her hands. She didn´t feel intimidated by the supersoldier, but she felt like she had to show him respect. He was older, wiser and a better human being than she was.

Steve nodded and proceeded to ask Bucky and Sam about their latest mission. All to allow Lori to warm up to him. He didn´t want her to be nervous around him, he wanted her to consider him an ally, someone she could talk to if she needed. Lori stayed close to Bucky but looked around Steves cabin. There were one or two famous paintings as well as a few black and white sketches. Some were clearly of Peggy, a woman Lori would recognize anywhere. A few were of Bucky and Steve from what seemed like way back, possibly the time of the war. A few were simple landscapes, around the compound area. Lori had been on enough runs to recognize the scenery. Steve watched her and looked up at the sketches. “What do you think?” He asked and smiled at Lori.

She looked to Steve and then back to the sketches. “They´re beautiful. But I can´t say I´m not feeling a little uneasy by seeing a different Bucky.” She explained and sighed as she glanced to the Bucky she knew. “Oh, he isn´t different. Not really anyways, just hardened by what happened to him. When I see him I still see the Bucky from the 30´s and 40´s. He just takes longer to show that side of himself.” Steve argued and stood up. “Come with me, I´ll show you more sketches,” he said and smiled as he walked towards a room to the north of the cabin. Lori stood up as well and followed Steve.

The room was smaller than Lori had expected, but it didn´t have any furniture apart from a desk and a chair. However the walls were filled with pencil sketches. It was sketches of everything between heaven and hell. She looked around in awe and crossed her arms over her stomach. Sure the room wasn´t big but Lori felt small around the art. It was so beautiful, and meaningful, without Steve having to say so. Lori looked closer on a specific sketch of Bucky. She checked the date on it and realized it had been done in the summer of 2018.  That meant it was done after the snap, Bucky was gone by then. Steve noticed her looking at it and sighed. “We lost everything in the snap. For a few months I didn´t know what I was going to do.” Steve said softly and sighed as he sat down on the chair.

“Natasha took over the Avengers, or whatever it was by then. I couldn´t be around it all, I didn´t want to be around it all. I took over Sam´s VA-group, not that it was a VA-group by then. It was a way to help people understand what had happened.” Steve said quietly and drummed his fingers on the table. “I spent most of the five years sketching and trying to help people. I owed that to the world.” He continued. Lori looked at him and frowned. “But you did save the world. You reversed the snap, and you saved those who had been taken,” Lori exclaimed and tilted her head.  

Steve smirked a bit and shook his head. “I wasn´t alone in doing that, and Tony was the one to actually reverse it. “He said and rubbed the back of his head. Sitting there at his desk in front of the window with the snow falling outside, he looked lonely. “As true as that might be. I read that you were the one to inspire him to come back. That without you two making up, the world wouldn´t have been saved.” Lori said as her eyes slid over a sketch of Iron Man himself. Steve had sketches of all the team-members, well the original team-members at least.

“You and Bucky, huh?” He asked and Lori froze before she snapped her head towards Steve. “Wha… what? Me and Bucky, what?” She asked and looked terrified for a second before the look turned into confusion. “Oh you two aren´t fondueing?” He asked with a smirk, which he dropped as he saw the utter confusion on Lori´s face. “You´re not a couple? Youre not dating?” He asked instead and stood up from the chair. Lori just shook her head with a frown. “Oh wow, I´m sorry. It´s just the way you look at each other and the way you talk to each other and touch each other,” he said trying to explain his questions.

Lori looked down at her hands and sighed. “I… I like Bucky. He´s… he´s been very udnerstanding with me. I feel like there´s a trust between us that I´ve never had before. I really like Sam too, but more like a brother than anything.” She mumbled and picked at her fingers, a sign Steve often saw in people who were nervous. “Have you told Bucky about how you feel, or has he talked to you?” Steve asked and looked at her with interest. “No, no, no, I´m pretty sure he doesn´t feel that way,” Lori said quickly and put her hands up. Steve gave her a knowing look but nodded. “Alright, well I´m sorry I spoke on it when I was clearly unaware of the real situation. But please talk to Bucky about it. I´m sure it will all work out!” He said with a smile before he led Lori back into the livingroom.

Bucky looked up as Steve and Lori came back in. “Has he shown you all his sketches now?” He asked with a smile before he stood up to get the bag of gifts they had brought over. Lori smiled at Bucky and nodded her head. She couldn´t shake the feeling of what Steve had told her, and asked her about. She really hoped she´d get over it soon enough. She wasnt sure she was ready to make any of her feelings known. And she wasn´t even sure Bucky would care.

1973

Spring had rolled in with tons of rain. Lori wasn´t allowed outside but she heard it through the nights, and water was running down the cement-walls of her cell. It was wet and cold. Lori

hated it. She had never done anything to deserve this. She had never hurt a soul, she never wanted to hurt anyone. Now that was the only thing she did. Her captors forced her against soldiers every day, and so far she hadn´t lost one fight. If she had she wouldn´t be around. She did her best to stay in their good graces to not be tortured.

It had been a success, they hadn´t tied her to a bed in months. That meant Lori hadn´t been in any pain she couldn´t handle in a long time. If relief was a feeling she could still have she had it now. They had also given her a better mattress and a thicker blanket. It was awful that this was what Lori had begun to associate with something good. But her current situation had turned into being her new safe, her new norm.

She had just been woken up by loud banging in the hallway outside her cell. She had immediately gone into a fighting stance. Her entire existence was based on defeating others. Guards entered her room, there was five or six of them now, considering Lori had become quite strong since they started the super-serum experiment on her. She could easily take down two of the guards at once, but she had issues taking down four or more guards, they were quite strong themselves.

They blindfolded Lori and brought her out of the cell and past her usual training rooms. She knew the hallways fairly well by now. She was more scared when she felt fresh air and rain on her skin. She was outside. They had taken her outside. Lori hadn´t been outside since she was taken. It was strange, and she was now terrified. Would they kill her? Shoot her and dump her into a hole and then cover it up? Lori didn´t know and she wasn´t sure she wanted to know.

Lori could hear the sound of a car close by but she didn´t have time to think about it before she was pushed into the backseat of a car. She was uncomfortable but her arms weren´t tied so she could adjust herself. The guards told her to stay put, and she didn´t dare do anything else. The car started to move and Lori held on to the seats. She didn´t have any sense of direction and had to struggle against falling over whenever the car took a turn.

After an hour or so the car stopped and Lori felt hands tugging at her arms. She moved her legs out of the car and then the rest of her body. The hands guided her down some stairs and into some sort of damp bunker-like area. The floor was rough and Lori wasn´t wearing any shoes. It was clearly cement but she could smell something metallic and her best guess was that it was either the piping, of the bunker-like place, or iron covered walls.  

She was dragged to a room which was slightly warmer. After the experiment, Lori had become more aware of her surroundings. It was as if an entirely different part of her brain had been unlocked. The blindfold was removed and she blinked at the light and squinted her eyes. She refrained from reaching up to cover her eyes from the light. Her bad aclimatizing to the light meant she wasn´t ready for the slap that landed on her left cheek abrubtly turning her head. Lori groaned and closed her eyes again. She didn´t reach up to touch her cheek. There wasn´t any need to, that wouldnt be the last hit.

2024

The quartet ate smores and drank hot chocolate while exchanging gifts with each other. Well it was really the three avengers giving gifts to the retired avenger. They had gotten together and brainstormed Steves gifts one night and had then gone their separate ways to get them. Bucky had gotten Steve a new set of Aquarells and generally new supplies since he knew Steve was always running low by the end of the year. Sam had managed to get a deal on a warehouse just a few blocks away which now was Steves. It was a place he could store either his sketches or furniture from his house to fill it with more sketches.

Lori who barely knew Steve, but wanted to be liked by him, had gone all out. She had gifted him with a paid vacation to the Stockholm archepelago. It was the city she was from and she had always loved the ocean as a kid. Steve quickly declined her gift but Lori insisted. It was her wish that Steve would get to go there and make beautiful sketches in peace and not have to worry about anyone else. She had seen some of his landscape sketches and knew he could do amazing things with the right view.

They stayed for a bit longer, but decided that they should head back at around 3 pm. Steve had his family arriving later in the evening and wanted to clean up a bit, and the three avengers had to get back to the compound to start setting up things for christmas. They also had to get a tree on their way back. Sam asked Bucky to drop him halfway home. He had a few buisness to attend to. Bucky and Lori could get the tree themselves. The tree-farm was quite close to the compound, just one turn off actually. Bucky pulled up to the forest area and got out of the car pulling his jacket a bit tighter. They didn´t really get cold anymore but the wind still made his skin crawl.

A perfect tree stood right in front of them. Bucky thought it was perfect at least. Nearly every tree was perfect in his mind. He really didn´t care too much. Celebrating Christmas was something he did just for the others, he himself didn´t feel much of a connection to the holiday. Most of his previous ones had been spent killing or sleeping. He looked over to Lori, well, where she was supposed to be, but he couldnt find her. “Lori?” He called out and began to look around the trees to see if he could find her. The trees were quite a bit taller than Bucky and Lori was shorter than Bucky. She could have easily sneaked off and he wouldn´t be able to find her. She was a spy after all, and she had been trained by some of the best.

If she didn´t want to be found Bucky wouldn´t find her, but he did start to panick a bit when he had been searching for a few minutes. It wasn´t a big place, she couldn´t just disappear.  He had half a mind to try and call her when she came out from behind a tree looking for him. “Where did you go?” He asked with his voice slightly raised. “You can´t just run off,” he explained and sighed as he noticed Lori moving back a bit. He quickly realized it was because he raised his voice at her. He shook his head and held her hands up. “I´m sorry, I didn´t mean to raise my voice at you, I was worried. Did you find a tree you like?” He asked and gave Lori a soft smile to try and ease the blow from before.

Lori nodded and pointed in the direction of a row of trees a bit further into the farm. It was obvious why they had been placed farther away from where people would typically go. The trees were smaller and less perfect. Not awful, just slightly less ideal for a Christmas tree. “Are you sure doll? The compound is pretty big and we want a tree that can flourish in the environment, right?” He asked as he looked at the trees. If it truly was what Lori wanted he wouldn´t argue and he wouldn´t complain.  Lori looked over at Bucky and pouted a bit. “I know they´re not traditionally beautiful, but there´s a charm to them, don´t you agree?” She asked softly and touched one of the trees´ branches.

Bucky didn´t have the strength to say no to her so he simply nodded and stuffed his hands in his pockets. “Pick whichever one you like the most,” he said, defeat clear in his voice. He wasn´t actually upset with it though, why would he be? It was just a christmas tree.  Lori walked around for a bit longer before she decided on a tree that stood around 5´6 feet tall. Bucky happened to know the average christmas tree was 7 ft tall. He hadn´t googled that, nope, not at all…  He hadn´t googled Swedish Christmas traditions to be able to give Lori something sepcial either. Not that he had found much, and he felt like he had to talk to Lori about it before he put his plan to work.

They got the tree into the car and Bucky drove them back to the compound once they had paid for the tree. “I was looking online for something I could do for you and I found some old, well not old, traditions. Like a showing of Donald Duck, or something at 3 pm Swedish time, which is like 9 am here, tomorrow. I´ve fixed us a VPN so you can watch it if you´d like.” He said and stared hard at the road ahead of them. Lori glanced at him and smiled to herself. “I haven´t seen the Donald Duck Christmas showing since I was five or something, I´d love to watch it.” She answered and hugged herself as she curled up in the seat. It was beautiful outside, quiet and light. The road to the compound was mostly unused. The lower-level agents had all gotten the holidays off and if any situation came up the Avengers were stepping in. They had had a few months off when Lori was found and were now getting that time back.

Considering the compound was empty the snow was clean, and it was glimmering in the light of the car. It was dark out by now, but a few lanterns had been placed along the road, which meant it wasn´t pitchblack. Lori looked out the window and let out a silent sigh. Her first couple of Christmas celebrations had been amazing, but around the age of 8 or so her mother had stopped caring about making christmas special for Lori.  She was rarely home ,and if she was she had been drunk and Lori´s christmas had been ruined. Her father had never been around and she didn´t have any other family.

Bucky patted her leg and hummed. “So Donald Duck tomorrow. Would you like your present tomorrow as well. I read that that was also a tradition?” He asked and frowned a bit. Lori looked at him and chuckled. “You´ve surely done youre homework. Yes we do get our presents the 24th, but I dont mind waiting until the 25th, it´s not a big deal,” she explained and shrugged. Bucky nodded and smiled. “Alright, well I want you to tell me what you want from this Christmas. It´s your first in many many years, and I want you to enjoy it!” He said as he drummed his fingers on the steering wheel.  

Lori blushed and bit her lip. “I´m sure I´ll enjoy it as long as the team is around. You guys have done so much for me and I feel like you are all family to me.” she mumbled and pulled at the sleeves of her sweater which were sticking out under the sleeves of her jacket. Bucky smiled and reached over to take her hand. “We are your family, and you will always be safe with us.” He said and stroke the back of her hand.

Sure the two had spent nights together, after nightmares, but it had just been cuddles and hugs. But this felt different? Or maybe that was just Lori overthinking. Had something happened at Steves, or did she just now start to see the way Bucky interacted with her. He was always attentive to her needs and he always seemed to put her thoughts, and wishes first.

Bucky pulled into the garage at the compound and Lori got out of the car and got to open the trunk to get the tree. She wasn´t quick enough, and only managed to get the trunk open before Bucky gently nudged her out of the way and picked the tree up. Lori huffed a bit but backed away to give Bucky some space. “You could have just said you wanted to take it, instead of pushing me over,” she said and crossed her arms. Bucky laughed at her antics. “Hey did you want to carry it? I don´t mind” he shrugged. Lori shook her head and pouted. “No, you choose this, now you have to live with that choice,” She said and stomped over to the door holding it open for him.

She may be pouty but she wasn´t an asshole. Bucky chuckled once more and walked through the door she held open. “Thank you, do you want to go freshen up before we start decorating? I think the team is back, so you can catch up with Wanda and Peter if he´s still here” Bucky said. He didn´t want to crowd her or take up all of her time when he was certain that she and Wanda had a lot of things to talk about. They had grown so close in the past month. Lori had also gotten close to the young Parker-boy. Something that made Bucky a little uneasy at first, but he had quickly realized Lori only saw Peter as a younger brother, someone who helped her with technology and such.

Wanda made herself known quickly with a loud squeal as she ran to Lori to hug her. Lori hugged her back tightly and laughed a bit as Wanda showed her images of the mission. She often did that if it was something funny that one of the others didn´t want to be shared. Wanda pulled her to the kitchen so they could get something to eat and drink. Bucky was in turn left to his own demise as he was carrying the tree. He placed it down in the livingroom before he got Thor and Loki to help him get some decorations. They had a few boxes in the attic and Bucky didn´t feel like taking a million trips up and down the elevator.

The two gods had become regulars at the compound. Loki liked Lori a lot, she was just as tricky as he was and she liked to play pranks on Sam and Peter. She had learned a few from Loki. Of course she didn´t have his magic, but he shared what he could on “normal” tricks. Lori was a quick learner. Loki had tried to implement magic into it but Lori wasn´t having any of it. It wasnt fair considering neither Sam nor Peter was magical. Both of the gods had been very keen on letting Lori in on their story. Her favorite storyline so far was what had happened with Hela. She liked the fact that facing Hela had brought out the best in the brothers. Thor had been able to harnes his complete power and Loki had learned he wasn´t entirely bad.  

All the christmas decorations had been moved down from the attic by Bucky and the gods while Lori was catching up with Wanda and Peter. Sam had made his way back to the compound as well during that time. Once Lori was all caught up on the mission the three of them made their way to the livingroom where they saw all the boxes with decorations.  Lori looked around and frowned a bit. “We figured you´d want to take charge of the decorating,” Bucky explained as he looked around at all the boxes. Lori looked at him and raised an eyebrow. “Well, I´definitely going to need some help,” She replied and huffed softly. Bucky laughed and nodded. “We´ll all help you, don´t worry about that” he smiled and got to setting the tree up. The foot needed assembling and well, the girls didn´t seem too interested and the gods had no idea what to do. Sam had already given up any sort of responsibility when it came to decorating.

Lori walked over to a box and opened it to see what was inside. Ornaments of all colours, shapes and sizes met her. She wasn´t a big fan of, over the top, decorating, and instead wanted to go for something more simple. She wanted the tree to look beautiful, and so her colors of choice were red and silver. It was simplistic but it fit them all. Well apart from Loki, but they would have reindeers up and around the compound. The rest of the avengers had grey or red incorportated into their suits and daily clothes. It would all feel more close-knit to Lori if she could see colors she felt comfortable with.

Wanda helped her a bit and used her powers to hang the ornaments in the windows and such. Peter was busy setting his aunts room up, for when she was coming over for Christmas. The gods were mostly standing around watching Lori and Wanda pick ornaments and decorate the livingroom. After a little while they moved to the kitchen and then the hallways. Bucky looked around after a little while noticing Lori and Wanda had left the room. He had been so invested in making sure the tree was standing safetly. “Hey where did Lori go?” He asked the gods who nodded towards the hallway.

He walked slowly wanting to give Lori and Wanda as much time as possible to hang their decorations, but he needed a few minutes alone with Lori. He found the two women after just a short while and smiled at their decorating skills. It was a bit of a mess actually but that was a later problem. “Hey Lori, can I talk to you for a sec?” He asked and frowned as he crossed his arms and waited for her go ahead. Lori tilted her head and thought for a second before she looked at Wanda, who nodded in approval. “I´ll finish up this hallway,” she said and nudged Lori towards Bucky. Lori groaned but walked over to Bucky ready to follow him, wherever he wanted to go.

Bucky smiled and held out his hand for Lori to take before he guided her down the hall to his room. He wanted them to have some privacy. Lori happily took his hand and followed him to his room. She wasn´t sure what he wanted to talk about but she was sure she wouldn´t mind. She liked the alone time she spent with Bucky. She took a quick look around Buckys room before she sat down on his bed, to which he had motioned. Bucky sat down besides her and turned to her taking both of Lori´s hands in his own. He was constantly in awe of how Lori didn´t seem to mind his metal arm and hand. She had no issues with the coldness that came from it. “So what was it you wanted to talk about?” Lori asked as she looked at Bucky. He looked so different from the pictures she had seen in his file. His hair was short, but she liked it. She understood why he had cut his hair. It was a reminder of his time with Hydra, and cutting it off was a way to leave that behind.

His hands were shaking slightly as he took a deep breath. “I… I´ve been meaning to talk to you for a while. Steve talked to me today, avbout it. And I kind of realized I had to… yeah I had to do this today,” he said and sighed. “Lori… I, I´m in love with you,” he said quietly and looked down at their hands. He could feel Lori freeze, her hands went stiff but she soon seemed to relax. She lot go of his metal hand and gently gripped Buckys chin to tilt his head up. He looked at her and felt his face heat up under her gaze. Blushing wasn´t something he was used to, emotions even less so.  

Lori smiled and leaned forward pressing her lips against Buckys. She could feel him still for a second before he melted into the kiss and grabbed her hand a little tighter. “Does… does this mean you feel the same?” Bucky asked as they broke for air. Lori giggled and nodded. “Yeah, I like you too,” she said and gave him a quick kiss. “How about we get back out, and we finish up decorating,. Eat some good food, and then I´ll be all yours tonight if you want, or we could go for a whole lot of cuddles,” she said and  bit her lip before she stood up and wiped her hands on her pants. Bucky stood up as well and hummed. “I´d like to spend the evening with you, but I have to go out and get some last minute presents,” he sighed.

1973

Her new bosses where hard on her. She hadn´t been this beaten up in a long time, maybe that was why she had been moved. It didn´t do her any good to dwell on it however, and hence she didn´t after the first day. She learned to follow orders, she learned not to talk back. She learned to be a compliant soldier.

The schedule she had been put on was brutal. At most she got four hours of undisturbed sleep, and those days she was lucky. Usually the nights were filled with screams making it near impossible to sleep more than a few minutes at the time. The days were filled with drills and training. She was trained in different languages, dancing, and general spy-subjects.  

In the few weeks she had been in her new prison she had learned proper french and russian. From before she had been forced to learn german and spanish. Swedish and english were languages she had known from before Hydra. She had overheard her captors talk about her learning italian and arabic as well.

And she did, it took her months but by mid august Lori was almost a perfect spy. The only thing she was lacking was the field-experience. And she would get that sooner than she thought. The very same month to be precise. It wasn´t a big mission, and it wouldn´t matter a lot if Lori failed, even if she would be punished hard if she did. But there was no risk in it for Hydra.

It was supposedly a simple elimination-mission, and the target wasn´t anyone too famous, but they had become a small threat to Hydra. Lori started by stalking the target for two days, they were simple, and obsessive about their schedule. Lori was able to take them out on her third day. She was then collected by Hydra and taken back to her prison without as much as a thank you or confirmation that she had done a good job.

When they got back to the holding place she was taken to her cell and left there for a few days. It wasn´t until five days later she got her next meal, and only after she had been through a thorough beating which left her forgetting her own name. When she came too she was back in her cell with half-eaten food in front of her and a small glass of water. She didn´t trust it for a second but swallowed it all down in seconds.

Her trust would earn her another beating. She wasn´t supposed to trust anything that was half eaten. She was not to make that mistake again, she was told. That was the first night in months she had cried herself to sleep. At the old place she had had a mattress and a nice blanket, now she had neither. She had her clothes to cushion the floor and to cover her from the cold in the room.

She had never thought it could get worse, but these new people. They were pure evil and Lori knew they would break her, and if they didn´t someone else would get the chance. That was her curse, ever since she became a super soldier. People wanted to break her, to be able to rebuild her.

[shidiand]

How do you imagine Tenco's Story ending in your head?

that is a GREAT but UNEXPECTED QUESTION freshlybaked "spider" bread and i'm really happy to have the opportunity to try and answer this ageless question that has burned within all of us in the tenco's story iv waiting room community since 2013. it is an incredible coincidence (or is it? 👀) that i was just talking to Risa about tenco's this (edit: yesterday) morning so i am extra double super in the mood to talk about Tenco's Story today. so excellent of a coincidence is this that i am tempted to refer you to them in case you wanted to hear their thoughts on the matter that would probably turn out super cool, but that is neither here nor there; let us talk Tenco's Story.

i of course must mention my unadvertised and modestly detailed commentary on tenco's i-iii at https://shidiand.tumblr.com/tencos, presenting slightly interesting facts in an unwieldy and difficult-to-use format, but as it dates back to june 2017, i want to take some time to understand my feelings about the series once more.

tenco's story is a series that has a lot of meaning to me.

i took on my current name of shidiand in november of 2013. i was still in 11th grade at the time, 4th year of high school, and a very socially isolated person. i should say i was introduced to touhou in 7th grade, 2010, so i was still working through a 3 years-strong phase of trying to simultaneously both find an outlet for and bottle up an endless wellspring of awkward weeaboo-gamer nerd energy at the time.

i had my first real foray onto the internet in 2010, tried out twitter, followed some RPers and other people who had Cool Touhou Usernames. didn't really go anywhere. i had maybe 50 followers, i dont really know the count but it was definitely a) double digits and b) pretty low. didn't know what to tweet about. didn't know how to hit it off with others. i think there was basically maybe only 3 other people i ever properly interacted with. oh shit i was playing league of legends at the time. oh my god. i really did play league of .. oh my god. let's move on.

aw shit im super digressing amn't i. well.

this is just how it goes when i write essays on tumblr.com.

i'm afraid you're just along for the ride at this point so please do your best to enjoy it.

i got kind of tired of twitter at the time because i didnt know what to do with it. didnt know how to interact with people and didnt find the people i was following interesting, so i ghosted on out of there by the end of 2012. didnt deactivate it until like 2015 but at that point that was just burning away my dark history. anyways. november 2013.

--im taking a lot of time here trawling through old files on my computer, my tumblr blog, notification emails still lying around in my gmail inbox from twitter, the dropbox i didn't actually use but it had several tenco's story pictures on it but i deleted them so this was useless, ... to trace the timeline of this story and im really seeing a lot of remnants of dark history here you know? did you know i wrote a letter to a girl i had a crush on valentine's day 2014, slipped it into her locker, and anxiously hung around nearby at lunchtime to see how she reacted at lunchtime? i certainly didn't, or at least i made darn ass sure to forget about this incredible virgin incident and not remember it, ever, until i came across the records of it that i thoughtfully preserved for the me of 5 years later today. ok well now i have to read the letter to see if it was as bad as it just sounded there brb

ok so the good news is that it was actually very focused on being positive and full of admiration for the cool things she did instead of being a confession letter so i am very glad i was able to be a respectful chad 5 years ago, but the bad news is that the jokes, the actual sentences i put together. oh my god. but i mean. well. at least i got the spirit. its certainly a step up from this other person in my grade, WEEABOO ANDREW, YOU MAY RECALL THIS STORY AND HIS NAME FROM PREVIOUS STORYTIMES, THE MAN THE MYTH THE LEGEND who came to school on halloween once cosplaying kirito from sword art online and got very possessive about people asking if they could hold his black replica plastic sword, and probably worse, dropped a "will you be my girlfriend" letter into the locker of my homie and fellow trombonist samantha, who was a little bit nerdy, hung out with the anime-likers who were actually sociable and fun to be around so you can imagine why weeaboo andrew was into her, which had i) a direct quotation from SAO chapter 16.5 (origin of the famous "glopping noise" line), and ii) a condom. jesus christ. i dont want to talk about this any more. next topic.

i also put this drawing of iku nagae and her skarmory (actually an albinoss from 18 DRAGONS) on the other side of the letter because it was the coolest thing i could think of drawing at the time. and i completely agree with 2014 me because it IS super fucking cool. hell fuckin yeah

https://shidiand.tumblr.com/post/76301993387/iku-nagae-ft-that-thing-that-supposedly-is-a

alright that was a fun little trip down memory lane but lets get back on track. november 2013. i started anew as shidiand. still awkward, still learning how to express myself and looking for my place among others. i followed some touhou bloggers, hung around r/touhou a lot as well. in december i got my first tablet for christmas, a wacom bamboo splash. i still use this thing! the usb cable disconnects if you bump it so i have to find just the perfect position to sit in whenever i want to draw, but its served me well. anyways. i was just starting to play around with digital art but i remember, probably just before new years, for some reason i wanted to find out more about tenshi hinanawi (i don't remember why. tenshi wasn't even one of my favourite characters at the time) so i went googling and right there on zerochan i found this:

https://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=23525572

this was during my dark souls phase so i just went BANANAS at the sight of this. this was literally the coolest image i had ever seen in my internet life. That image alone made me want to draw in hopes that I could make something as cool as that someday.

it wasn't immediately after but i soon discovered tenco's story, and it was love. kannnu was my very first artistic inspiration, and for a long time, my only one. i absolutely idolized them at the time. since then, ive found other artists to look up to, in a more healthy manner, but to this day i still look up to kannnu, still admire their work a lot.

i played around with drawing, followed the lives of people on tumblr, started reading touhou fanfiction, made a new twitter. i met a lot of new people along the way. some people i havent stuck with, some i cut ties with, and some people i still keep in contact with today. over those long 5 years of being shidiand, i found a name (i used to use shidian and then shid, but someone called me shidi once and i realized that was a lot better), how to reach out to others, how to express myself, places that i could feel included in. this is why i owe a blood debt to evelyn, who permitted me to kneel at her throne and was like "yea ok you can join my discord server u seem cool". evelyn, if you were confused by me ominously mentioning this blood debt/blood oath in a tumblr reply 1-2 years ago, this is the context. those 5 years were like a coming of age of sorts, that i never had when i was in high school.

and my love for tenco's story, that inspired me to draw that day, has been with me since almost the very beginning of my time as shidiand. from the beginning, i have always encouraged people to READ TENCO'S STORY, like the kin of those who cry PLAY MELTY or WATCH SYMPHOGEAR. i think my very first sidebar description was something akin to a prayer, written in very choral language, hoping for the day tenco's story iv was completed, ..., "meanwhile, furious shitposting". kannnu's work, finding delight in whatever they chose to draw, has been at my side, all along. my true mentor, my guiding moonlight...

so that's why i still to this day love tenco's story so much.

let's talk about tenco's story.

tenco's story is a story told through single pictures. the plot is vague, and details are sparse. dialogue is rare. we only know what has happened; we seldom know why. furthermore, there are many gaps between scenes that the reader is left to fill in for themselves; we see only snapshots that form an hazy outline of the events that occurred, and must imagine the rest. motivations and explanations fail me. but even with a barebones plot, tenco's story has themes, and if nothing else, those have to be carried through.

the main theme, of course, is journey and travel, but there are also other ideas, too. i actually think they start to change as the series goes on:

book i, where tenshi runs away from home, is about striking out on your own. it's a very fun and unpredictable journey, together with a friend.

book ii, where tenshi and iku are separated, forces tenshi to find and rely on companions of her own even more. but they do so, and they are able overcome hardships, and there is food and festival.

book iii marks a climax, reasserting tenshi's goal of finding the sword of hisou. i feel like the journey shifts from a travel (visiting) to a path forwards (making your way through). perhaps this is just something i get from knowing the locations from dark souls (Anor Londo, New Londo Ruins, the Great Hollow), but the locations start to give more of a sense of verticality, like they're emphasizing tenshi's climb to the summit. the hardships and enemies are the greatest they've been yet, and right when they near the top, tenshi and iku start to bleed. the book ends on an uncertain note.

if i had to describe the type of journey and travel that tenshi and iku undertake, there's this sense of wonder at discovering new places, wandering from vista to vista in delight, but also a sense of conquering, making it through a difficult patch. the sequence from pages 2-44 to 2-51, taken together, convey this sense of overcoming the best. it's one of my favourite parts. again, although the tone definitely starts to lean towards struggle in book iii, i think tenco's sense of wonder really is the heart of the series. there's no map of the world, no predicting where tenshi and iku will end up next. and through their travels, though they come across many enemies, they also find friends -- places of refuge, places full of life, people who will look after them for a few days, companions who will stay with them for the rest of the journey. at the end of book iii, we see a long haired tenshi with purple hair being impaled by the sword of hisou (3-33, see also this extra illustration that risa pointed out to me http://sinnnkai.blog.fc2.com/blog-entry-195.html), and regular short haired tenshi continuing on her journey (3-42). if we ignore the out-of-story images where tenshi has the sword of hisou, tenshi has actually only ever used her sunlight blade (2-24, 3-26, etc), so i think that the long haired tenshi on 3-33 is a different person altogether. (if i had to guess, she might be the purple haired woman in the top left of https://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=35443328 as we have never seen that woman appear anywhere.) she probably has something to do with the flashbacks at the end of book ii and she might somehow be short-haired tenshi at the same time, but this is just speculation.

however, in 3-43, tenshi's hair is rather blue, so i don't know if this is the purple haired woman or not. if it is, tenshi is probably still fine and closing in on the summit, but if it isn't, then it's very worrying to see a picture of tenshi without any of her companions. it's very ominous.

meanwhile, iku, while climbing the red carpeted corridor, is stabbed, and disappears for a few pages. there's a black page, a shot of a shrine that strongly resembles the hakurei shrine, and a picture of iku standing behind someone in a tux, with the line "In the past, I was saved by the lady I was serving, you see?". and then iku wakes up in a field of flowers.

i think what this scene makes clear is a theme that has continued to appear and reappear throughout every book of "being saved, being aided by someone's kindness".

i think another theme that is implied and has to be addressed by this story of running away from home is "return". something im imagining is that the reason tenshi makes finding the sword of hisou her goal is because she wants to have something to prove herself with, to vindicate her when she comes home. but i don't think she needs to prove anything, and i ultimately think that she would be happier spending the rest of her life exploring.

so i think this should be what happens in the ending.

open on iku's journey, and give her a long sequence of travel without seeing tenshi. underline her newfound resolve. she climbs to the summit with albinoss, and finds the rest of tenshi's companions fallen. and in the last room is sword of hisou tenshi, who has lost herself, and it comes down to iku to bring her back. after a difficult battle, when both of them are on their last legs, iku is unable to stand any longer. but at this moment tenshi sees her companions struggling to get back up and reach her, and that's what brings her to her senses. and iku gets to see how many friends tenshi's been able to make on her own, and they finally and properly reunite. together, tenshi and iku carry each other out of the last room.

i don't think it's necessary to return to heaven. as a conclusion, dedicate some time to tenshi and iku travelling together. they're on their way back, revisiting old friends who helped them along the way, enjoying the journey. their last stop is the house of the elderly nawis (1-42). tenshi shows off the sword of hisou; she decided to keep it not as a trophy to show her family but as proof of the bonds of her companions. surrounded by friends, tenshi and iku decide to part ways with each other, knowing that the other will be alright. iku drifts among the clouds once more, and tenshi sets off for the horizon.

that's the plot that i'd write/just wrote. i don't really expect tenco's story iv to ever come out, though. i mentioned my first sidebar description earlier in this essay, but of course, you can see that it's been changed. 2 years ago, i read my hopeful prayer once more and was struck with a terrible melancholy, so now it reads this: "having come to terms with the fact that tenco's story iv will never be released, i can still live, knowing that the spirit of the journey will live on through kannnu's original works [...] meanwhile, furious shitposting".

on one level, tenco's story is a story, but in the process of following it, i came to think of the work itself as a journey too. you can constantly see kannnu's improvement between and even within each book. they have always drawn whatever they liked; what plot matters in the face of "I wanted to draw a beautiful sky." "I wanted to draw a fantastic battle." "I wanted to draw Dark Souls and Monster Hunter and Pokemon and Brave Fencer Musashi and Bokura no Taiyou and Touhou."

its not really kannnu's style to go back and tie up old ends. they just draw whatever makes them happy. so as i watch them continue to draw beautiful places and fantastic creatures, new characters heading out on journeys of their own or just enjoying their everyday lives, it's as if tenco's story never ended. the limits and consistency of that world ignored, and a new one springs up; in a way, the world of tenco's, which had such thin boundaries, just gets bigger.

but even so, having said all that, i still see them draw that short-haired tenshi from time to time. it makes me happy to see them remember tenco's story with such fondness. often crossing over with orion or roar or elweiss, you can see tenshi on another journey.

[1apple-fox1]

This is a thing 1/idfk dude

posting it on fanfiction.net didnt go over well cause i got too scared and i d ont really w ant critiques i guess c ause i already really really hate the way i write and would love not to feel any shittier so uh-

this is for Monster!Minato/Makoto I have him named Makoto in this one so i can tell the two apart better- this is basically the intro i guess and uhhhh- enjoy??

also i dont have ao3 sorry if its hard to read....

"Iwatodai, Iwatodai," the not so enthusiastic voice sang on the train speakers. Makoto sighed- after what felt like forever he was here... Again. His brows knitted together into an expression of annoyance, or maybe even slight anger? Sometimes even he had problems thinking what emotion he could possibly be experiencing. But he knew, he wished he could have been anywhere but here.

After walking out into the open walk way he stopped. It was rather dead now that he was paying attention. He pulled out his phone. 11:59 PM... It was almost time for...

Just as he thought about it the time changed to 12:00 AM, only for everything to suddenly stop. The world gained a sickly green hue, and everyone around him had ceased to move, transmogrifying into coffins. Another night, another dark hour... With a solemn sigh he pushed onwards, the sights, the blood, the everything- this wasn’t new to him anymore.

There was a sort of sticky splashing noise as he stepped onto one of the many 'bloody' puddles on the streets, but he didn't really care. Looking up at the building before him, it was... smaller than he thought it would be. He thought to himself, looking over his hastily made map one last time. "This is it." He spoke aloud, almost as if trying to convince himself this was indeed the dorm he was assigned. With one last breath he pushed the door open to be met with...

A girl?

The auburn haired girl hummed as she finished signing a sheet of paper and closing the book. She looked around in her small bag, placing the pen back as she finally noticed the new guest. "Oh!" She seemed rather surprised by his sudden appearance. "Man, I didn't even hear you there, that's some major sneaking talent you got there!"

Makoto wore a dumbfounded expression before responding with a quick "Sorry I guess," shrugging the whole ordeal off, and in the process sounding as un-genuine as he could while apologizing. He eyed the place the paper was, only to see that whatever the girl has signed had disappeared now too. "Anyways I guess that means this is a unisex dorm, pretty cool huh?"

"Uh-"

"Who's there!?"

The third voice yelled, with obvious panic laced throughout her words. While the dark hour was known for being dark, Makoto always found it pretty easy to see, and by the stairs indeed there was a third figure, wearing some sort of pink uniform top. "Don't tell me, you're-!" Without even a warning the girl pulled out a gun.

"W-wait hold on a minute!" The auburn haired one spoke up, now even she was panicking. "We're students! ordinary students and-"

"Takeba wait-!"

A fourth voice now, called from the stairs. Just as she had interrupted the lights, the TV, his headphones. Everything came on again- everything was back to normal.

Meanwhile the situation’s tension lessened. The red head explained who they were.

"Oh um..." The pink clad girl almost seemed embarrassed now. "Well my name's Yukari Takeba. Sorry for uh-"

"So why do you have a gun?" The auburn hair girl interjected, Yukari seemed taken aback by the sudden comment.

"Well um, it's- sorta like a hobby of mine-"

"A hobby?" Makoto finally spoke, there was something odd about calling a gun a 'hobby' of all things.

Yukari looked like she had just been cornered by some wild animal when she heard him ask the question. "I-It's um-"

"For protection," The red head chimed in. "You can never be too careful in times like these."

He nodded. Despite his questioning before, Makoto had all but run out of caring for this situation.

"Fine, I buy it-" The auburn haired girl spoke. She wore a cheeky grin, and despite how big it was it was hard to tell what exactly she was thinking. "Well, Yukari and..." She gestured to the red head, while she finally reached the bottom of the stairs.

"Oh-" It took her a bit to understand why the younger girl had stopped. "Mitsuru Kirijo- a third year- And you, if I remember correctly by your file, are-"

"Hey, hey! You can't just take away my introduction like that!" The auburn hair girl interjected in a childish manor."I'm Kotone Shiomi, second year, and new to this area!"

"Oh hey, uh- me too-" Yukari spoke up, and when she did it was almost an instant match in friendship heaven. The next thing he knew the two girls were hoping to be in the same class as they both walked to- what he assumed- was their rooms.

It was just him and Mitsuru now. With a cough to draw in his attention Mitsuru started again. "And you are Makoto Yuki, correct?"

He nodded. Whether he meant to or not though his posture and lack of an audible response made him come across as rude to the senior, though she didn't dare say anything. "Come, I'll show you to your room."

Without a word he followed Mitsuru up the stairs and down the hall in silence, the tapping of shoes on the carpet was the only audible noise. But even that came to a stop as they reached the end of the hallway. "Floor one, last door on the right shall be your room." She forced a pair of keys into his hand. "While I do have extras try not to lose those keys, I wouldn't want to be seen as unreliable."

Unreliable?

Without another word Mitsuru walked back down the stairs- she must have something else to do still...

With a click and a turn of the door knob he opened his room. The first thought that came to his head was "Bland" and really that was an understatement, aside from the essentials like a bed, and a desk there was barely anything in the room. Not even his boxes filled much space. Makoto sighed, shutting the door behind him. With a quick change he hopped into bed- and tried his best to sleep.

___________________________

The clacking of the train wheels were audible over Makoto’s blaring music. He sighed trying to turn the volume up- even though he already knew he had it at max.

Yukari was talking to both him and Kotone, but of course he couldn't hear a word she was saying over his own music. Makoto saw them both looking at something through the window and without realizing, he felt his own gaze shift to the window.

A tall white building sat on the horizon, almost blinding him as the sun reflected off it. It stung his eyes, letting out a wince he couldnt help but start rubbing at his eye, like doing so would relieve the pain. Of course it didn't.

“...”

“... Hey-”

“Hey!”

Kotone practically screamed in his ear after removing his headphones. But his expression remained pretty neutral even as Kotone stared at him, wearing a pouty expression. What was a surprise to him was when the girl removed his headphones. (He could have sworn he heard a giggle come from Yukari.) “You know both of us are trying to speak with you you know? It’s not nice to ignore a girl like that!”

“I don’t really care-”

“Don’t really-! Yukari’s being nice enough to show us around and you don’t care!?” It was obvious the girl was mad with him, her pouty almost playful face had turned into a full on scowl.

“Hey Kotone- it’s fine he’s taken them off so-”

“So what? He’s still a jerk- and I just realized I don’t even know this jerks name!”

Yukari was practically clinging onto Kotone at this point. “Just drop it ok? We’re almost there anyway-” She pleaded with the headstrong girl. And indeed she was right- the train screeching to a halt, announcing their stop clearly. But Kotone still glared at the boy.

“Don’t think this is over punk-!”

And with that she ran for the exit with Yukari close behind.

He suppose he should get off as well… Makoto took his sweet time departing the train. He tried to stay away from Kotone as much as possible, not to be kind or even out of fear of being yelled at, but because he knew he had pissed her off. Staying away for now would be for the best… Probably… People were hard to read…

_______________________________________________________________

The school was like a confusing maze to him, when he thought he was headed the right way to the office he’d find himself in a courtyard, he briefly wondered if maybe finding a teacher to tell them ‘hey I’m the new student’ would be too much of a hassle.

After asking around he had finally found it, sliding open the door to the faculty office he was greeted by-

Of course, of course she was here too, it was her first day too wasn’t it? She scowled at him as she left, no Yukari in sight… Huh, odd. Then again their friendship was new.

“Ah, then you must be the other transfer student-” A woman sang from the back as she looked over sheets of paper she had laid out on her clipboard. “Makoto Yuki yes?”

He nodded.

“You’re in… Class F, that’s my class- oh yes I’m miss Toriumi. I look forward to having you in my home room!” She extended her hand for a handshake. The boy took it reluctantly. She quickly went back to the notes, skimming a page or two. “You’ve sure moved around a lot, more than I expected from only a second year but-” She looked back at the notes one last time. “Let’s see… In 1999. That was- what ten years ago? Your parents-” She cut herself off with a gasp.

This always happened- no matter where he went people brought this up, and even though his face stayed rather stoic, Makoto felt an odd mix of emotions.

Sadness.

Anger.

Regret.

He felt himself straining to keep his usual composure, hearing it never got easier…

“I’m- I’m so sorry, I’ve been so busy I didn’t have time to read this before hand.”

“Can you just, take me to my homeroom now?” His straightforward answer seemed to throw his new homeroom teacher for a loop, she wore an expression of annoyance before immediately softening up.

“Of course, sorry for my earlier blunder.” She spoke and headed toward the door, Makoto following close behind.

________________________________________________________________

When he entered the classroom went silent. “Good morning class!” Toriumi called. “I have two new transfer students to introduce today-” She gestured to someone in the corner, when Kotone stepped up with a peppy step Makoto’s suspicions were confirmed. “Now go on and introduce yourselves-”

Without a second of delay Kotone blurted out a happy go lucky “Hi! My name’s Kotone Shiomi- I Like cute things and the color orange!” Every boy in the class seemed enamoured, while Makoto just sighed like he’d had enough of this already.

“Ah right, you may take a seat near… Ah! The empty desk behind Yukari there-!”

“You got it teach!” And she skipped off and took her seat, she was probably happy to be sitting beside someone she knew.

“And now it’s your turn.”

“Makoto Yuki. Nice to meet you.” That was it, that’s all he said. The ‘nice to meet you’ tacked on to avoid being yelled at by the teacher. He didn’t even wait for the employee to recommend a seat, simply sitting down on the closest one available… Which happened to be… The one beside her.

Kotone was glaring daggers, and if looks could kill he would definitely be dead by now. No matter how hard he tried to ignore it, it was like some chill that ran up his spine and kept him aware. Man she really hated him didn’t she? For some reason he couldn’t bring himself to care all that much, but the thought about dealing with this every day, at the dorm and at school… Well, it gave him more motivation to at least try and fix things.

________________________________________________________________

The final school bell rung and the teacher dismissed herself and her students, Kotone looked about ready to dash out the door. If he wanted things to get better he’d have to do them now.

“Hey Ko-”

“Sup!” A tall lanky boy greeted from the side. Makoto couldn’t help but be drawn to the sports cap on his head. “So you two’re the new transfer students right? Nice to meet you! The names Junpei Iori!” He wore a friendly grin. “I transferred here while in 8th grade so, I kinda know what you two’re goin’ through… And I thought I’d help you out you know?”

“You sure you’re not just trying to hit on the new girl Iori?” Yukari chimed in before the capped teen could finish what he was saying.

“Yuka-tan!”

The two bickered and Kotone seemed to really be enjoying the energy this kid brought. Makoto though… He felt almost like he was watching from outside his own body, the talking and everything- he wasn’t used to this. Was he being overwhelmed? Or was it because of something else? He knew he couldn’t just leave, he hadn’t even apologize to her yet what was he-

“Hey you OK?” Someone asked him, it was one of the girls but he was so disoriented he couldn’t tell who.

“I…” He began, blinking a couple of times, looking at Yukari’s concerned face, and then Kotone’s. “I’m fine.”He breathed in. “I uh,” He didn’t really think apologizing in front of Iori was the best way to go about this. “I actually have something I’d like to tell Kotone-” He should have sounded more excited but he found himself speaking in that flat tone he always did. “So-”

“Ah I get ya man! You wanna make the move as quick as possible!”

“Junpei!” While the two bickered and complained Yukari still managed to drag Iori out of the room, leaving just him and Kotone.

“So- what’d you wanna say to me?” While there was still a hint of aggression in her voice, after the weird zone out he had earlier she couldn’t help but be a little concerned. She hoped Junpei was wrong and this wasn’t about to be some love confession.

“So- I noticed you’re upset with me-”

“No-! Me?? Upset?” She said sarcastically, Makoto ignored it.

“I have a problem with being… Blunt? I guess you could say?” This was hard, being honest and talking with others was way too hard. “I know I sounded like I didn’t care and that upset you. So I wanted to apologize.” He was trying his best to sound sincere- he was so used to using the same uncaring monotone voice that he knew he probably sounded like he was trying too hard. There was no reply from the girl, at least not at first- he wondered if he had made the situation worse for a second.

The more he looked the more he was confused, she looked as if she was staring at something, but there was nothing where she was staring. And a few blinks and a second later she seemed to snap out of it with a surprised “Oh-!”

“It’s OK! After a while I could tell you’re not really a people person- you prefer to be alone right?”

“Most days- yeah.”

“No problem then!” She wore a genuine smile- Makoto thought this was too easy. That’s all it took? There had to be more… Right? “I should have taken the hint when you had those headphones on I guess- But still Yukari went through all the trouble so it was kinda rude-”

Makoto shrugged, letting out a “My bad.” in response. Kotone wore the same smile,but it was obvious she was thinking of something in that head of hers.

“We should probably get goin’, I hope Yukari isn’t still waiting for us.”

Us?

Before Makoto could register anything else Kotone had grabbed his hand and started dragging him along…

________________________________________________________________

The smell of coffee filled his nose and he couldn’t help but grimace. Coffee was never a welcoming smell to him, infact he barely touched the stuff but as he looked to Kotone, who wore a smile that was some how endearing and threatening all at the same time- Makoto thought it best to stay quiet for the time being.

“So-” Kotone started, immediately causing him to tense up. “What’s up?”

“What’s…. Up?” he seemed quite confused at this point, this girl had hated his guts before, then suddenly he was being dragged to a cafe at a mall and being asked something as casual as ‘what’s up’ Like they had been friends for years… Then again…

“Well um…” she started, looking off to the side, as if looking for the right words to say. “We- got off on the wrong foot this morning- or- more like I did.” she paused to take a sip of her coffee. “To be honest when you were ignoring us I thought maybe you were just being an ass hole for no reason- but uh- whatever happened in the class room…” Kotone twirled her hair in between her fingers, focusing intently on how she was about to word her thoughts. “... Makes me think it might be something more than ‘because I’m an asshole’- and whatever that is um, well you don’t have to share but if you need support just ask me OK?”

“Ah…” This seemed odd- for someone to go from hating his guts, to buddy buddy. Something had to be up… Right?

Kotone kept on a convincing smile, but she felt the uncomfortable silence that hung in the air. Makoto took it as a sign to leave, getting up from his chair without a word, but at least waving good bye- last thing he wanted to do was get on her bad side again. Before exiting the cafe he took one more glance, she seemed to be muttering something to herself, odd- but really none of his business. He shrugged and continued on.

________________________________________________________________

[zzpopzz]

Really long rant about how I made Vanilla Twilight, I typed it at 2am so it’s kinda crappy and boring, just skip through this post.

So I'd been thinking about it for a long time now, even before finishing Vanilla Twilight that I'd talk about it if someone asked, well that never happened so I was just thinking that I'd let it go but that post is so important to me so well fuck it I'll just talk about it anyway. I did it completely on a wimp like how cool would it be if I make a lyricstuck for Toumaki like I'd be the first (if anyone did this before me im sorry). The first song I intended to do wasn't VT, it was a much shorter and easier song. I saw the music video first time after a while and the lyrics gave me some scenes to draw right away, like the tones, the atmosphere, the lyrics all fit them very well, made me wanted to draw something happy but sad. The ending for it was a happy one instead of a sad one like other songs I did (I didn't post the ending for any of them, just let the viewers decide what it's gonna be) I was very scared like what if it won't turn out ok and people gonna hate me for it or no one even gonna look at it. Also what I visualized are mostly illustrations with backgrounds, what I never done before so high chance it won't go anywhere. I thought well let's just see how far will I get and won't talk about it at all until I post it so at least I won't be all barks no bite. I was very traumatized that someone might know about what I did so I locked all the files when I shut down my PC in case someone hack into it lmao. I started with making a storyboard(kinda) for it, this is where I first got trouble because there was some part I didn't think of when I visualized what I'd draw at first ( 'I don't feel so alone' part mostly and some in between) and it's only at this point that I realized how many I'd have to draw (over 40 images total) and it's mind blowing for someone who rarely finish a painting like me at that time, that number is more than what I'd draw in a year. VT doesn't have choruses that meant I can't do tricks like repeat some panels (I don't like this anyway). I usually painted on small canvas before that but I wanna make sure I can fix things later and some idea I had was pretty big so I used 3000x5000px canvas then trimmed them down ( I didn't know how big it was and it's huge). The idea was to make a tumblr scroll-post like a lyricstuck (my favorites are by paperseverywhere and toastyhat/emptyfeet , they made really cool tutorials about these) so I tried to drew out compositions that would look good scrolling down panel by panel and have some connections between them (this didn't turn out so good in the end because I wasn't good lol) Since I was scared that people might point out that I draw something wrong, it took me almost a week or something searching for references (check my pinterest board) like the streets, sky, houses, roads, outfits, poses,... I was going to draw. I got some knowledge about bikes by this too, like I can tell the differences between road bike, mtb, touring bikes,... I also see and captured bunches of screenshots and reread ywpd trivia countless time to make sure I won't get anything wrong. If you take notice, every outfit Toumaki wear in there are all canon, from anime or promos. The first few panels was really exciting because I had never painted so many with backgrounds before, I was really happy when I almost finished the first verse even compared to the full 3:50 of the song it was only 20 seconds and I thought maybe I can pull this after all. The last panel was intended to be Makichan standing infront of his house looking at the sky but I wanted to show the sky at the end of the panel and that wouldn't work on scroll-down post so I had to leave it for later, I repainted this panel for about 3 times and finished it just 30' before posting. The first panel of the second verse wasn't turning out alright too because that was my first time doing a 3 points perspective drawing and the colors didn't turn out as I wanted either (my intention was a green/gold dawn scene). Things kinda worked well despite that until the scene when Toudou sits in his ink, gdi I didn't know why I was so caught up in that and painted every piece of that wooden floor, it took me almost a week but turned out better than I expected so I was ok with it. I was going to make sketchy paintings for all of the panel but I did too much details on that one so it gave me the impression that I'll have to do just as much for every others. Now I still had school to go and that semester my uni got me pretty crappy schedule that made me have to wait for classes at school frequently, I was frustrated because I didn't get to paint during that time and I might finish it too late (even though I didn't set a deadline) and when I got home I just spent so much time checking twitter and just can't pick myself up to draw and ended up feeling shitty about it. *Side story*  I was so mad because I didn't get anything done and there's still more than half of the whole thing to do and the worst part is that I had no one that I can talk to because I didn't have any friend who ship Toumaki and I also don't want to publicly talk about what I was doing, I wanted to surprise people when I'm done, I didn't wanna give people the expectation then screw it up (I literally thought I'd drop a bomb not a grenade lmao) I can't remember how long was that shitty phase but I felt like it was so long, I barely finished verse 2 at that point. I was so mad at myself and my progress so I spent a few days to look at time management threads and this helped a lot, I changed my habits completely  by this and I still apply those methods now, like I used to stay up til 3am to read fics (bless you writers you fueled me with your writings bless you all) then I switch to bed before 12 and get up early for a good start or reduce working time while increasing quality* After that I kinda got things together,I just went ahead with painting tho it's still kinda tiring, I had to work on 5 essays during this time too. At this point I was like screw all, I give no shit about what everyone thinks I'm just gonna finish this and get some good nap (I practiced power nap to get more focus time for painting but dude everyone wants a good long nap) 10 days before uploading I found out that there's a Toumaki day (I'm so sorry), I was going to posted on the first sunday of June (I did researched on which was the best time to post on social medias so I randomly picked a sunday) and Toumaki day is the last sunday of May, that meant I had 10 days left and 15 panels to paint! I was going to ignore that but I already made it big I should make it right too so I shit my pants going through those last panels. I purposely hiding Toudou's face till the last verse to emphasize the feelz and got so relieved that I finally got to paint him (I read some tags that some viewers got emotional at this part so I'm so glad it worked). The whole things was put under Makichan's perspective so I was so sick of painting him at that point, he showed up in every panel and I can't paint him ugly because he's beautiful (especially his hair, I spent shitload of time painting them). I can talk lots about why I picked to do so but that's headcanon shit and it's embarrassing so let's just skip that. The last day I had only 3 panels left and I was hell confident that I've got this and somehow spent the whole evening rewatch Toumaki pingpong ep (end me). Of course that didn't end well, I managed to finish those by midnight but I still had like 3 panels that needed  repaint completely and all 43 needed retouch and edits. My plan was to post at 9am sunday (thats 9pm saturday est) so I had to get up at 5am and finish all that, I ended up cutting down 2 panels and simplified the instrumental panel (some tags said that was nice so I was at least relieved). Unlike other songs I did, the length of every line's quite different and the original sizes I did would make viewers have to scroll slower or faster at different parts. I didn't plan this beforehand and had to trim down some panels even the parts that I really liked and spent lots of time on. I also found out that people outside the homestuck fandom might not familiar with this type of post so I made a video too (I’m sorry I have zero skill in editing). After posting I was terrified of people's reactions or worse, there won't be any reaction so I turned everything off and went to sleep and woke up with an unimaginable number of notes I'd got, I set the target of 500 notes and I really didn't think that I'd get past that number like maybe 2-300 (well my other songs didnt even get 200), at the end I got 5000. I spent the next week reading and screencap tags given in reblogs, I put them on desktop and they're still my motivation til now. Vanilla Twilight is the thing I'm proud of the most even until now, when I've done other songs and projects that look somewhat better. If I have to recommend one thing on my blog I'd recommend it despite its' unskilled paneling, poor composition and muddy colors. It was the first time in my life that I'd put so much effort into something and went through such emotional roller coaster, the feelings I put into it was raw and the idea was very original compared to other songs, I improved and changed a lot during the 2 months I spent on it and never once regret doing it. ***Anyway, you sure have much free time to read it this far, here's a little game for you: I put random things in VT and HF like some characters/stuff from other series, my ocs,... (there wasn't anything purposeless in there even the logo on their cups or the bags they wear) just send me anything you find and I'll draw you something in return**

[leaughrilke]

super-sensate-seestras replied to your post

“Who do u think the superbabies will date?? :D (also since stella looks...”

I would love to hear more about Stella and Beth's relationship drama cause I absolutely love all of these breakdowns about the superbabies

WELL FRIEND there’s other drama too but this is the Major drama that hinders their relationship for a long time

so stella know she has a crush on beth, has been like aggressively ignoring said crush and tryin to Live Her Life and its been a year since stella came out, came to terms and she’s just started her nighttime shenanigans as a vigilante, just started trying to help the way kara does, the way maia does and its going ok???  until she.  you know.  gets stabbed (LIGHTLY STABBED) and is like hmmm i feel as though i should reassess maybe

and then beth’s back in national city after graduating early with like three bachelors (xenobiology, nanotechnology, and engineering) and at least one masters and a corresponding doctorate (in something sciencey, listen im barely an english major), working at l-corp bc she’s a Documented Genius and stella wants to step up her vigilante game, especially since she recently was lightly stabbed and doesnt rlly want that to happen again, and beth’s always been rlly calm and steady, very logical and she keeps all of maia’s secrets, so stella approaches her a little reluctantly to see if she’s willing to help and beth gives her this long, searching look and finally agrees, designs and builds her a new suit with a shitton of gadgets, is the main reason stella starts getting called mechagirl by the press but only helps with stella’s promise that beth can then help with actual missions bc like??  beth cares about her a lot too, doesnt want to see her die ya know??

and it’s weird??  bc now she’s friends with beth in her own right???  works alongside her a lot and beth serves as her tech person, finds her jobs she can do that supergirl or birdy (maia’s superhero alter ego) haven’t gotten to yet and national city gains a new superhero pretty much bc of beth.  and then its a late night of saving ppl and stella comes back to her apartment/headquarters and beth’s still there, wrapping up some end of night reports (she insists on keeping detailed logs in order to avoid any issues with the cops later on) and she’s ordered stella’s favorite takeout, put it in the oven to warm for her and stella’s so grateful and also pretty tired??  rlly tired and beth basically lives with her and sometimes the proximity blurs lines in stella’s mind and so she just leans down to kiss beth, murmurs thank you sleepily and goes into her room to change.  and beth’s just sitting there??  like oh my god, the girl i’ve been in love with for months just kissed me and she doesn’t even realize it but then stella REALIZES IT and runs back out like shit im so sorry beth, that was so inappropriate of me but beths like??  wait do you not like me and stella’s like WAIT DO YOU LIKE ME???? 

surprise!!  this is how stella finds out beth’s an alien and also how beth finds out stella’s an alien lmao.  like.  beth’s species has mental shields, similar to martians??  so stella’s never been able to read her or see in her mind but she never rlly tried to or even questioned it??  or even noticed bc she’s rlly empathetic anyway, reads body language rlly well, so she’s never known that beth likes her the way stella likes beth

like, later in their relationship, stella suddenly can read beth??  like rlly well and she’s like um what the hell and beth’s like oh, yeah, i stopped putting up the block and stella’s just like starry eyed like holy shit you trust me that much???  

beth’s like uh yeah but dont let it go to your head you nerd

but are they smart abt this and admit their v deep feelings for one another then??  no.  they just hookup and then keep hooking up, pretending like nothings changed, pretending like theyre not basically living together or doing all the shit Couples do but just refusing to tell anyone or acknowledge it at all.  and it’s ok for a while??  its solid

but then stella’s suit malfunctions, gives her a nasty burn down her side and she begs beth to not tell anyone that she’s in the hospital, that she’s been hurt and beth’s like shit, stella, i can’t keep doing this bc they’re working with a budget of about eleven dollars, a starburst, and stella’s bus pass, building with shit from the scrap yard and old electronics from secondhand stores and beth wants stella to just tell her family she’s the new vigilante bc then they’d have access to better resources, then beth wouldn’t be so scared every time stella runs out to go save a family from a burning car or stop a bank robbery, but stella refuses, knows that it would be a battle to be accepted like this.  

its a fight they’ve had for months before and then stella’s armor fucks up and beth just calls it.  tells her that she comes clean or beth won’t help her keep almost dying, so stella tells her that she doesn’t need her and beth moves all her shit out of stella’s apartment and its all rlly quiet, subdued and its so fucking sad

she takes the job offer she has at wayne security in charm city (wink wink) and doesnt tell stella, stella finds out when she goes over to her moms and finds beth there, with maia and her moms and finn, all laughing and grinning and maia tells her that beth is getting her own department at wayne security, that she’s moving on friday and stella fakes a smile, congratulates beth before she leaves and that’s the end of it, she never sees beth again

but then stella wrecks her motorcycle.  i think i mentioned once that stella is a little bit of an adrenaline junkie??  well she’s a huge adrenaline junkie and she was testing the limits of her newly redesigned bike, pushing it past 90, 120, 150 and then she just??  loses control of the motorcycle.  it just spins out and stella tries to stop it, turns into the spin and pumps the brakes which slows it down enough that she doesnt just fucking die, but not so much that she’s not close to dying

beth is still her emergency contact.  so beth gets the call, middle of the night, that stella danvers was in a wreck, is on the way to the hospital and that she should get here as soon as possible.  but beth is a ten hour drive away and can’t possibly know that she’d get there soon enough, be there if....if it came down to stella not being alone.  and.  well.  its not her place, never was.  so she calls lena, tells her the emts called the last number stella called bc its so much easier that way, kinder to everyone she thinks

she still drives through the night to national city.  gets there just a little after maia does, her eyes red and puffy from sobbing on the freeway, hands shaking a little.  thank god no one asks why she’s there or why she’s this panicked, bc she’d probably tell them and she knows that’s the last thing stella would want (or, well.  she thinks that at least).  maia just sobs out that beth is the best friend for coming, holds onto her in this desperate, damp sort of hug and beth just stays quiet

beth doesnt stay after she finds out stella woke up, is going to be okay.  she can’t right??  she shouldnt be here in the first place right??

so maia stays in national city to help stella in her recovery bc stella’s being stubborn and refuses to move back in with their moms, and maia figures most of her moping is to do with the fact she’s not allowed anywhere near her motorcycle anymore, but then she finds this one shirt that she knows is beth’s, knows beth has had since high school and its tucked under stella’s pillow and she puts it together pretty quickly.  the way they were friends and then all of a sudden they werent, the way beth came running back to nc the second stella got hurt, that weird pulse of anger, hurt she felt when stella found out beth was moving to charm city.  and like???  she doesnt know what to do with that information, she’s not sure what to feel or how to think about this so she just files it away for a later time, tucks the shirt back under stella’s pillow without saying anything

so eventually stella gets convinced to move back home, bc maia’s like hey.  i dont mind living with you and i dont mind helping you, but the neighbors are starting to think its weird that i carry you up the three flights of stairs to your apartment every day so finally stella moves home and maia comes with her bc they’re finally in a good place again??  they finally worked things out between them from when they were kids and maia’s not about to leave stella, not when stella’s like finally started seeing her as another Certified Safe Place.  so they’re back in their childhood bedrooms and then lena finds out about stella’s vigilantism.  mostly by accident??  stella’s still p much out of commission until her body’s at a 100 percent again but lena finds the mask and its a whole Thing between them, the first time stella’s ever really fought with lena and then by natural extension, kara finds out and then maia clues in and then the whole family has an opinion on it and stella’s just like MCFUCK OFF

and maia??  is like desperately scared for her sister, and she’s angry and she’s hurt that she didn’t tell her, didnt think that she would do anything to help her, but she also knows how isolated stella feels, how helpless she must be feeling, how stuck she is, so she calls beth

and when beth is beating around the bush with it, playing dumb like idk why you’d call me??  stella and i really aren’t that close, maia just calls her out on it like.  elizabeth, i know for a fact you were sleeping with my sister

oh

yeah, oh.  i have some words to share with you at a later date, but right now stella needs someone in her corner and that can’t be me 

and beth doesnt like.  doesnt even hesitate.  she drives her shitty beat up jetta the ten hours it takes to get from charm city to national city and gets a shitty hotel and is so, so nervous??  bc what if stella doesnt want her here??  what if she never wants to see beth again???  but then maia’s texting, saying that the house is empty if she wants to talk to stella and she does, she really does, like?  she didnt realize how big of a part of her life stella was until she was gone, until she had moved to a new city and met new people like she’s completely in love with stella, so she goes

stella opens the door and just stares for a second before she says that maia’s out for a while but beth just keeps looking at her and finally says it outright, says i’m here to see you, stella like its the most obvious thing in the world and stella’s so tired, she’s starting to close the door and she’s saying i dont need another lecture, i’ve had enough of those for a lifetime and beth lets her close it, knows her well enough to know she wont walk away from the door before beth does, so she calls through and says im not here to lecture you, stell.  i just.  i wanted to see you

the door opens

and its incredibly uncomfortable for a while, incredibly tense and when beth tries to ask her what’s going on, stella just hisses what, like you care?  and beth like??  normally would fire back with something, normally would let this blow up into a fight but she’s thought about it, she really has, and she knows that any time she can have with stella is better than no time at all.  that she’d rather take stella as she is, thrill seeking and too good for words and hard headed in the extreme, take the risks that come with her than have anything else.  so beth nods.  yeah.  i care.  i care a lot about you stella, and i shouldnt have forced you to make a decision like i did.  but its scary when the girl you love doesnt see the same value in her life that you do and it was terrifying watching you leave every night and not being sure if i would wake up to your face on the news

and stella’s like??  shit.  shIT, didn’t account for this at all.  but beth is very steady, is giving her this even-keeled look, keeping her eyes on stella but not forcing eye contact and she finally stands, gets ready to leave 

and she tells stella i love you.  and believe me when i say that transcends boundaries like platonic and romantic.  i love you, stella danvers, and i will always be here for you, in whatever way you want me to be and then she’s leaving 

and stella has a choice to make, two paths she can take and she stands a little unsteadily and grabs beth’s hand and pulls her back 

and she’s like im still pretty stupid, you’re aware of that, right?  and beth laughs, refutes the statement as she rests her forehead against stella’s.  you’re not stupid, stella, never stupid.  a little dense sometimes...  and stella laughs too before she admits, finally, i love you too, genius.  and i dont think i can keep doing this without you?  and she tries to backpedal, bc she’s worried she’s being manipulative or something but beth just shakes her head, says im going to kiss you now, ok?  and stella’s nodding fast, tears finally starting to fall when it all hits her and then they’re kissing for the first time in six months and theyre maybe still kissing when everyone comes home and maia groans bc like i texted you specifically so i could avoid seeing this ugh you guuuyyysssss

[jindesignupdates-blog]

Survey on lost

So to post the result of the survey - so thankfully I received 40 responses!! 

HURRAY :) and the responses are interesting to read, and the feeling it gives me fits perfectly the purpose of the project. 

- Knowing others are lost too, and it is okay to be lost and it is a normal thing. So let go a little for now. - 

lost in spaaaaceeee

Below is a summary of the answers and I picked a few interesting ones and edited so that it can go into the ‘LOST BUT NOT LEAST’ coping cards.

What phrases comes up in mind related to lost? (Lost connection, Lost in translation.. etc) 

>  the answers for this can be inspirations for the gifs. 

Lost cause, Lost goal, losing my mind, lost opportunities, lost in thoughts, lost in the world, Lost memory, Lost in space, he is a lost case, get lost, lost yourself, Lost fight, lost and found, lost the battle, Lost in the ocean, Lost in life, Lost in the city, Lost bet, Lost direction, Lost youth, Lost faith, Lost in translation, Lost in time, Lost in the crowd, Lost soul, Lost in your light, Lost hope, Lost track of time, Lost interest, Lost virginity, Lost child, Lost control

What are your stories of losing something? (It can be something funny, interesting for you. You could lost something and found it in an unexpected way, or you could have found another opportunity instead. It can be losing anything - objects, motivation, opportunity..etc)

> The question in the card can change to : You know, other people also lost things. 

So i'm not sure what kind of story i have. But there were one story with my mom. She needed to take a part in conference and from the morning she were trying to find her glasses. After 5-6 hours of search she wasn't able to find it and in panic went to the clinic near our house where you can get glasses. In a hurry she came in and starts to say : I need a new glasses, now, as soon as possible, I lost mines. Everyone in the shop were looking at her for 20 seconds and my mom said: "Why you are looking at me, i need glasses". At this moment everyone started to laugh and one of the workers bringed her mirror. She was laughing and talking about it to everyone next 2 weeks..

I lost amazing watch which I got for my 10th birthday the same day I got it. My parents were so angry and punished me and I was so sad for very long time. Also I didn´t get any other watches from them ever again. They couldn´t be found anywhere. After 10 years, when I was helping my parent to move furniture I found them inside of the flowerpot where they fell from the sofa. They were still going on!

Also, I lost my new iphone 4S 8 years ago. That time it was a big deal to have one and I was saving for it for half a year... So I was pretty desperate. I needed to use my boyfriend´s PC to connect to find my iphone app. I would never use his PC if it was not for this. Instead of iphone I found out (as he left his email open) that he was cheating on me and finally after long unhappy relationship I pack my stuff that day and left him forever. Iphone was never found but I didn´t care anymore anyway.

I lost my wallet after a night out in Korea. I only realised I had done so when the taxi dropped me off outside my apartment and I didn't have any money to pay him. I asked him to take me back to where we started so that i could try and find it but he just swore at me to get out of his taxi. I had a few days of pure stress without my wallet but the wallet was posted to me by whoever had found it with everything still in it. I couldn't believe it. That NEVER would have happened in England.

One time as a child we lost my dog. We looked everywhere for him. Spent hours going up and down the street calling him, and eventually gave up to come home and cry because an escaped dog in the city probably wouldn't survive long. As a last ditch effort after all this I went to check my bedroom closet. There he was, curled up and sleeping cozily on a pile of clean laundry. He hadn't heard a thing.

Sorry, I lost track of all my losses

I lost my virginity in a nightclub in rural Spain and got kicked out of the club after being caught

I actually lost myself for a while in the past when i prioritized the wrong people and vibes in my circle. We live, we learn, then progress (:

I lost very important files for a client and lost a job and money!

Getting drunk, “losing” my wallet, cancelling my bank cards, then finding it in my freezer 3 days later. I must’ve put it in there when I had gone in to get some chicken nuggets.

I once lost the equivalent of 5euros in my cousins home in Serbia. I didnt think much of it as it was only 5euros but my cousin and his mum were so surprised by my reaction. In their eyes these 5euros was worth more than in mine. Later on they found it and gave it back :P just goes to show that not everyone values things equally.

What do you do when you feel lost? Do you have a ritual that works for you? (Take a bath, Take a deep breath, Talk to someone..)

> The question in the card can change to : When I feel lost I__________

look at old pictures to remember who I am.

take a bath, walk and nap. 

go for a walk alone with music.

talk to close friends.

write every thought on the paper.

just keep on stressing out. That’s my ritual.

try to think of activities that would make me feel more as a whole. Usually it’s doing sports, cooking and cleaning. 

go to the nature, that helps me a lot to understand how "small" our problems and egos are in comparison to nature, earth and universe. 

read the letter I wrote to myself few years ago with priorities and aims I want to reach in my life. 

usually feel depressed so I go to mountains for a walk to clean my mind, usually during night. 

normally go on a long walk somewhere whilst listening to sad music. 

take time alone to gather myself, take a shower, relax, maybe go for a walk - anything that helps me think without distractions.

talk to fiends or do stretching or  some other sport which helps to clear mind and then go back to thinking about the issue.

just try to focus on something different for a moment, chill, watch a tv series and drink some wine.

Sleep.

breathe and calm down and try to be rational, see what caused it and think about what to do next.

try to breathe and watch a lot of Netflix.

always call my mom and just have a nice chat, she always helps me find myself.

remind myself of how lucky I truly am by being healthy, fed, warm and free to choose my path.

hold my knees and cry in the shower if it’s a bad loss and sing in the shower if it’s a good one.

enjoy the very rare feeling of loss of control and just wander around spontaneously.

have a high speed walk. If it doesn’t help I talk to some of my closest relatives or friends.

try to tell myself things are better now.

meditate, exercise and google “how not to fee lost” hundreds of times.

get lost! I spend my time alone; free of counteractions.

take time for myself and enjoy tea or coffee in a cafe while sketching.

play certain type of music.

first try to solve it by myself but that usually doesn't work so I tend to talk to people about it to hear different opinions.

Freak out. Calm down. Drink. Repeat.

talk to friends I can trust and drink.

meet my amazing group of friends :)

am not the most religious person but usually when I lose hope completely i try my best to pray more.

listen to music, cry and seek out friendly faces.

stop, take a deep breath and look for anything familiar.

need cold air, smoke and cigarettes.

frequently have deep talks with my friends and I believe they are incredibly valuable to me.

exercise, get out the house and do something, act with purpose.

Sleep. It washes all the feelings away. Or... take a walk with my dog, have some relaxing time with him.

talk out loud out

do something fun like painting, watching a movie, creating something, reading.. etc..) 

do physical activity to get my mind off it like dancing swimming 

travel somewhere where I've never been before

cry until there's no tears left, if nothing helps I wait it out and move on until the feeling fades.

What do you do when you lose something?

> The question in the card can change to : When I lose something I __________

remember it forever. literally, and not even on purpose, I can remember every time I lost something special, most because I am still mad at myself about it.

freak out, and then try to start searching with a clean mind.

 accept the fact, because I believe it was supposed to happen.

write down and think about what i can do.

am probably sad for a bit.

panic then regroup and figure out a way to gain it back.

try to figure out where I used it the last time. If I lose a game, I'm usually a bad loser.

recall from the memory every step I did before I realize where I actually put the thing. If I don't remember, I just wait for a miracle that it will appear on the most visible place or when I am cleaning my working table.

call mum.

am angry, because I don´t want to waste time searching. First I search for it in very disorganized way, but if it doesn’t work I calm down, and think step by step where the thing can be and in which moment I saw it last time.

I go step by step back in time and try to find it. When it is a person, I feel really depressed, this puts me into a box with my memories combined with my imagination where I can spend time with that person, this can be also triggered by place or objects which reminds me of that person. When it is job, or some opportunity I just go over it and become more motivated to find a even better job/opportunity.

Get angry and stress the fuck out for a bit before just becoming dejected and sad.

think back to where I might have left it. I think of all the normal places it might be, then run through the list of places I might have put it and forgot.

try to fix it first and then just cope/accept it

Momentarily - look for it retracing my steps. Truly lost - I get angry.

go to the same place where I last had it, try to recreate the same situation. Sometimes works, sometimes doesn't.

do nothing.

am stubborn so I search until I find it :)

depending on how valuable it is to me I either get sad and look for it everywhere or i just let it go.

try to find it.

ask my girlfriend where it is or my mum for advice.

buy and replace. If not possible, mourn the loss.

internally battle out the opposing feelings of possessiveness versus learning to let go. Meaning, I fume for a couple of seconds until my mind gets captivated by a random shiny object and I forget.

blame myself :)

try to replace it

smile

mention a verse from the Quraan. In other words, I mention God first, then start looking for answers second.

have a hard time coping with it if it’s a real life person but if it’s a material thing i don’t bother that much! No need to stress.

swear profusely

usually just call myself dumb and then try to go back through the things I've done since I last saw the thing.

start looking for it like crazy

tell myself that I will try not to lost something again

usually forget about it the next day if they are things I don’t really sweat that much.

keep calm and look for it.

tear the whole house up. Then cry, take a deep breath and start the process again. It’s usually where I looked first.

pat myself down, also imagine a headless chicken running around. That’s a pretty close description of what I look like.

usually debate the ups and downs and what I can do to retrieve this thing. Maybe even debate whether the thing lost needs retrieving. Generally a long mental conversations with myself.

go back through how I lost it, let it go after a while.

panic. Haha. I try to remember what was I doing when I lost it.

[mylovingbouquetearthquakewo-blog]

progressive liability and renters insurance quote

"progressive liability and renters insurance quote

progressive liability and renters insurance quote

BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://insureinfo.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 

RELATED QUESTIONS: 

How much do you guys pay for your motorcycle insurance(SuperSport) and what insurance company do you have?

Quick rundown of the situation. Moved State to Illinois for work. Insurance rates are a little different for cars but then again my record is clean but I have yet to insure my motorcycle and thinking of buying a second one for my son to ride with but want to get this question answered first. For me I own a 2007 Yamaha YZF-R6 -Super-Sport -600cc -Never damaged,stolen, nor tickets - Was paying around $300 dollars per year State Farm Full coverage For my son we were planning to buy a second generation Honda CBR 600rr 07-09 -600cc -Super sport -Has license -No tickets -BRC completed - 18 Years old -With my family plan for insurance So anyone can give me rates that they pay answering these questions, just to see what company I should look into. - Age -Insurance company - type of motorcycle - Yearly rate - And the type of coverage they have on it.""

Where can an 18 yr old get insurance?

I'm an 18 year old male (19 next month) I need major dental work: root canal, filling, crowns, possible extraction Question: Where can I get good dental insurance that covers the above procedures without a waiting period. I need these procedures fast. I need a high annual maximum which I assume comes with a high premium. P.S - I've looked at Aetna, Humana and Delta Dental; they only pay a miniscule fraction of the procedure.""

How much would insurance cost for me?

i'm an 18 yr old female driving a 86' camaro

How much does car insurance cost.?

I am 18 and ready to get my drivers license but how much does car insurance cost per month on average.?

""For car insurance rates, does the amount of the claim matter, or is it just that you had a claim?""

Wondering about how car insurance premiums work. I just got into an accident this morning. I rear-ended someone so it was my fault. When we file a claim to fix her car, is it worth it for me to get mine done as well? Or will getting mine fixed cause my premium to go up even more when its time to renew?""

Do I need to buy auto insurance when I rent a car?

I presently have comprehensive insurance on my own car

Car Insurance Problem Please Help!!!?

Hi everyone, somebody hit my car and drove off about 3 weeks ago. I phoned my insurance up and made a claim, the problem lies now on my son, who is the addtional driver and who hasnt been driving my car because he doesnt need to. The problem is that he has had drink driving conviction and no insurance conviction for about 3.5 years. Prudential my insurance company want to see my licence and his licence counterparts, BUT we completely forgot about the convictions etc. So now I have a problem where i think my insurance will be void but he doesnt drive the car nor was he involved in the accident. What happens now as they have requested both photocopies of our licences, is there a way out of this, thank you""

Car Insurance for 18 year old?

I am looking to buy my Daughter a small car, she is 18, what is the ideal car for me to buy, as insurance is the problem the cheapest we can find is 800 for a KA, valued at 500, thanks""

Riding a motorcycle without licence?

I just bought my first motorcycle today, and I'm enrolled in the msf course but it dosn't start for a few weeks. Can i still ride my bike legally?""

Car Insurance for a 17 year old ? Rough price needed.?

Hi, My son is 17 in a couple of months, need a rough guess on how much insurance will be on a low groupage car (peugeot 106 1.0 etc). He'll be provisional but will have his mother on the insurance also. We're in Teesside so not out in the sticks but not a city postcode. Any rough ideas will be great. Thanks.""

What is average increase in car insurance rates after you get a speeding ticket?

Ausome that this is the persons second ticket and they cannot go to traffic school to erase the ticket

Someone help me with car insurance?

I am 17 years old and haven't yet got a lisence or a car or even a provisional. But when I turn 18 I am going to get a car I have been looking at insurance prices and they're ridiculous. Like 2,000 pounds a month? Or these really realistic. I searched for insurance entering a vauxhall corsa? Can someone help? Help me think of a good car that's cheap that will have cheap insurance.""

Motorcycle or Scooter Insurance in London?

How much would the insurance be for a motorcycle or scooter worth less than 4,000GBP in London? I'm hoping that it would be a lot less than a 50cc scooter in Dublin worth about 400GBP costing 200GBP for insurance per year.""

Insurance cost for a 2001 Range Rover?

What would the annual cost be to insure a smart teenager on a 2001 range rover hse? just a ballpark works... Thanks

How much will I pay for motorcycle vs. moped insurance in Wa state?

How much will I pay for motorcycle vs. moped insurance in Wa state? M/19/3 accidents? First of all, I'm tired of trying to get quotes online. Could someone with some experience or knowledge around this give me a fairly accurate ballpark of what it would cost to insure myself? I live in Washington state, I'm a 19 year old male, and I've been in 3 accidents. The first was early December 2010, the second was late December 2010, both. Both were my fault, rear enders, and low speeds. The first one earned me a ticket for basically not paying attention, no injuries occurred. The first was a little over $3000 in damage, the second was 500-1000 and totalled the 99 vw jetta. The third accident was driving my girlfriends car and my insurance company was never involved. It was about 1600 in damages and was determined to be 50/50 fault by her, and the other drivers insurance companies. There will be 3 people total in the house, all of us drive. I'm looking into either a mid-late 80's Honda, a Rebel possibly, some kind of cafe racer, or a newer 2000's moped. All used, I'm looking in the 600-1000 range. I work full time and am attending college, I'm trying to compare pricings for motorcycles vs. mopeds that are roughly the same cc's, around 200-350.""

Any car insurance which insurances foreign cars?

Hi! I live in Italy and I am italian. I heard that there are some english insurance which insurance cars and people in foreign country. Is it real? do you know anything about that? Could you give me some advice about that? I am waiting your answers! Bye!

Pregnant: no insurance?

i just found out that i'm pregnant. it was a surprise. i don't have insurance. what can i do? i am over qualified for medicaid, barely. my husband is a police officer. to give birth at the hospital it will cost $7180. i called maternity card but they are very expensive and my doctor already said he doesn't deal with them. does anyone have any solutions? i really need an answer. thanks!""

I NEED legal help...(home owners insurance will not pay for this why?)?

I am posting this on behalf of my mother in law. She has a car that was damaged at her sisters house (my mother-in-law lived with her sister) during the wind storm Cincinnati had last year. My mother had the car parked in the driveway and a tree fell on it and totalled the car. But guess what would have not been a problem if she had Car insurance on it but at the time she was in between insurance companys but she did not drive the car at the time anyway. So now she has found out she has GAP so I did the claim and they said that they can give her 5000 (hopefully) toward the loan. She went to the home owners insurance and they said they wont pay. If it was her sisters car they would have though. I am really not sure but it doesnt sound right to me. If that tree would have hit a person but not her sister would they have had to pay? That just doesn't make since to me because my mother-in-law lived in the house aswell. Can someone help me.

What's the cheapest I can get car insurance for?

I'm 17 years old, and am looking to get my first car, something like an old Ford KA, Ford Fiesta or similar, you know the kinda cars I'm talking about. I am able to keep it in a secure residential car parking space. I'd prefer not to be told to just look around on price comparison websites , I've looked but the prices im being quoted are ranging from 3500 to 8000 and I'd like a rough idea on the cheapest I would be able to get it for, and tips as to how I can get it at a good value price?""

Best way to find affordable therapy for a teenager with depression?

I'm seventeen years old and I think I have depression. All teenagers are emotional, I get that, but I know this is more. When I'm occupied and around people for a few hours at a time or less, I'm fine and usually even happy. Then when I actually have time to stop and think and let my mind wander, I usually feel kind of hopeless and just very sad. I also have other emotional issues, like the littlest things seem to enrage me. Also, I read somewhere that depression can cause physical issues such as digestive issues (which I have been having a lot of the past four or five months). I cancel plans a lot now, either because my stomach is acting up or I feel too sad to go anywhere and I just dont want to be bothered with people. Ive been sleeping a lot more than normal lately because thats the only time things dont bother me. When I was about thirteen I had an issue with cutting, I would talk to my guidance counselor (which is not an option now because I did home schooling and now am done with school until college next fall) and when she realized that I may have some more serious issues, she called my mom. My mom always brushed it off. She talked to me a total of one time, only when I went to my older cousin and my cousin forced my mother to talk to me. Basically, my mom got mad because I said I didnt feel comfortable talking to her and she refused to send me to a counselor, then she said she would send me to a counselor (at that time I had insurance) but she never actually ended up doing anything. So I went back to doing what I always do, pretending to be fine, and for the most part I controlled it. I stopped cutting until about seven months ago, which was also when all my other issues started popping up. I havent cut myself in a few months now, but I still have the urge to which is not okay. Depression and other mental health issues run in my family, and I keep thinking of one particular relative who got so bad that she took her own life. I know that at some point she must have been like me, where it was difficult but still somewhat manageable, and it just scares me that I could get to the point she was at. I have no insurance, and we have very little money. I know Yahoo Answers isnt the ideal place to seek advice, but I dont know where to go. I only have one true friend that I trusted enough to tell, and obviously she is my age so shes just as clueless as me. Then I have tried talking to my older cousin (not the same one I mentioned before, she and I dont talk anymore) but in her world even if the money is not readily available, when its needed they find a way, so she doesnt get the concept when I tell her I really do NOT have the money for a psychologist or insurance. Is there any websites or anything that provide information on free or more affordable counseling for teens? Im ready to admit that I need help I just need to find somebody actually willing and able to give it to me.""

How much home insurance & tax for a cheap studio?

I know 0 about this: are home insurance rates annual or monthly? Could someone give me just a very rough idea about how much a cheap studio's home insurance & tax would cost? (in ...mostrar ms

Student: Buy car with years free insurance?

I'm looking to buy a new car, and I have heard that you can get special deals where you get a years free insurance. I'm 18 and have one years ncb. Does anyone now of a deal like this currently on offer? Cheers :D""

What would the insurance on this car be roughly?

Just been looking at this car. Should be driving by the end of this year. What would the insurance be roughly? any car expert opinions? we're looking at this cause its a classic, its fairly cheap, it can fit my brothers cello and my parents like it as well and would pay for it. Just what would the insurance be like for me? when I start to drive?""

""Insurance company does not want to pay for my car damages, what should I do?""

I let my mom borrow my car, which insurance is under my name, she crashes. She exchanged insurance info with the other driver. I called the other driver's insurance to make a claim to have them get my car fixed. As soon as I told the insurance rep what had happened, he hung up. I try calling them again only to have the rep say, we need to get the other driver's side of the story and hung up again. My car got really damaged, but the other driver's car only got scratches, I know it may not matter but nonetheless I would like to have them pay for my car damages. My insurance only has liability so I can't file a claim under my insurance. The only thing I have is a police report of them exchanging insurance info but no document stating in detail what happened and who is at fault, that's it. What should I do?""

Still have to pay car insurance after selling the car?

I had an accident a couple of months ago, my car was written off so i bought another car which i've now sold because i dont really need a car, but my insurance company wants me to pay the remains of my policy, i take it there's no way to get out of this?""

progressive liability and renters insurance quote

progressive liability and renters insurance quote

What is the cheapest insurance group in the uk? how do they class it?

What is the cheapest insurance group in the uk? how do they class it?

Should my car insurance go up this high after an accident?

I got into an accident where I hit someone s bumper in a parking lot. I reported to my insurance company and they took care of it with $750. I was 100% at fault, and expected my renewal to go up, but when it came out, it was $800, which is 100% more than my usual insurance of $400 Does it suppose to go up 100%??!!! And this price will stay on for 6 years!!! That means by the end, I would end up paying $1800 more just to the company!! $1000 more than what I would've paid the guy!! This does not make sense to me whatsoever, first I thought the renewal was just for one year, it will go down bit by bit, but second year is still the same price! I am only a G2 driver who been driving for 3-4 years on PEI in Canada, can that be the reason? Still, $1800 extra?? Plz help me and thank you!""

""I was rear ended, question about insurance?""

I was rear ended, and since it was completely the other guys fault my insurance company (allstate) said I could just call his insurance company to file the claim, as they would be paying for everything. So I did, and they sent out the adjuster to assess the damages (basically scratches) and said they will be sending me a check based on the adjusters findings. So... what if when I go to get it fixed it costs more, or what if they find out something is bent or jacked up underneath? Can I go back and ask for more money if that happens?""

What car insurance do you have?

Im trying to find one that's cheaper I recently have 21st Century. What's the name of your car insurance and do you like it?

Having a hard time to find affordable health insurance?

I just need a simple surgery on both my ears. About a year ago I developed a keloid on both ears. I know they can get bigger so I want to get it fixed before it looks like a grape behind my ear. My biggest problem is in finding affordable health insurance. Can anyone tell me a good site to go to for affordable health insurance? All answers would be greatly appreciated.

""On, average what would a classic mini's insurance cost be.?""

In the UK for a first time, 18 year old driver, car would be left on a drive in a low crime area""

Car Insurance for a 17 year old girl?

How do I get the cheapest car insurance possible. Should the car being insured be expensive (ish) or cheap? Should I wait until after my daughter has passed her test? I appreciate that all insurance for first time drivers is high but would like advice please.

Will car insurance cover me if an unlicensed driver was driving?

I have a problem. My car was wrecked by an unlicensed driver. I didn't know that person's license was suspended. Will my insurance still cover it? My car is messed up pretty ...show more

Is insurance expensive on an '01 Hyundai Tiburon?

Is insurance expensive on an '01 Hyundai Tiburon?

Question about health insurance!!?

Can a health insurance company cut your coverage while being treated for depression?

What is the approximate cost of insurance for a lamborghini gallardo lp550-2 spyder?

What is the approximate cost of insurance for a lamborghini gallardo lp550-2 spyder?

I am looking for a good team name for an insurance agency.?

we are selling insurance products, estate planning and other financial products.""

How much does car insurance cost for a 17 year old?

I can get my license anytime now. North Carolina doesn't offer good student discount. I'm asian, will be driving my dad's 2000 Ford Windstar with 70,000 miles. My dad says that adding me on to his allstate account would cost 1100 every six months. That sounds a little exaggerated. Is there anywhere else where I can find cheaper insurance?""

What is the average cost of life insurance?

I know individual circumstances apply, but there must be an average monthly cost somewhere. 33 years old, Looking for term life insurance, 500K I was just given a monthly quote for $28 per month""

Can I drive my new used car without insurance for 30 days?

I just bought a new used car today. I have insurance on my old car still (in my mom's name). Does that insurance cover my new car (in my name) for a bit do you think? Or should I just not drive it at all until i get it insured?

How do I find an affordable individual health insurance plan that includes maternity coverage?

I'm going to pull my hair out! Maybe I should perch atop a clock-tower until someone provides me coverage? Seriously, I have spoken to half a dozen insurance people and the best ...show more""

""Will Core buy me a home, car, insurance, cares, etc? I want to switch to Core from Wells Fargo.?""

I want to switch from Wells Fargo to Core, because I'm tired of Wells fargo withdrawing 5 dollars a month for service fee from my Checking Account. I thought about depositing my savings to Wells Fargo, but I don't have a savings account; I only have checking and I can't afford to pay to open up a savings. I want to switch to Core, because there's no monthly service fee. But is Core right for buying a Home, Car, Insurances, etc? How do you feel about this?""

16-24 yr olds: What do you know about insurance?

I am working on a research project about insurance for 16-24 year olds. This information is for research purposes only and will in no way be shared or sold to anyone. The intent is to gather information from high school/college age students on their perceptions on insurance. What types of insurance would you like to purchase? (auto, health, college, iPad, smartphone, etc.) Have you been purchased insurance? If yes, what type? If no, have you been involved in purchasing insurance? Do you carry insurance on each of your personal media devices? (e.g.smartphone, iPad, laptop, etc.) What do you know about insurance? Would you be willing to take a class on insurance if it meant receiving a discount on an insurance policy? If you were shopping for insurance, where would you go to look for an insurance quote? What are your hobbies? Do you belong to any sports/groups/organizations? If yes, which ones?""

Is getting the cheapest possible car insurance a good idea?

Like SafeAuto.

How much would it cost to insure my motorcycle?

I plan on buying a Suzuki dr-z400s and I'd like to know what some people are paying for their insurance. Or maybe just what I would be paying. I'm 16 years old, Male, and I have a clean record. I'm not sure what kind of insurance I would get but probably just liability. Thanks!""

How much would a 1986 mustang convertible insurance be?

I'm seventeen and I'm looking into getting a this mustang and I wanted to know how much it would be with a the classic car plates on? My friend has a 1979 camaro and his is only $88, but this mustang has a 5.0 so it is bigger than his.""

About how much does an Sr22 bond cost?

The reason I need one is, I was pulled over and caught without insurance. Now in order to get my license reinstated I must first get this bond.""

Do i need maternity insurance when I already have health insurance?

Just found out we were expecting... I am using Aetna health insurance, Do I need to add maternity insurance? Does it make a difference?""

I was rear ended in california with no insurance is there anyhting i can do?

I was rear ended in a car accident in california,and I did not have insurance at the time.My car was wrecked.And Im stuck with the hospital bill's.Is there anything i can do legally ?""

Ninja 250r Insurance price for 17 year old?

Hi, i am looking to buy a USED ninja 250r when i turn 17. How much would Insurance cost per month? I plan on taking the msf course, and any other program that could lower my insurance rate. Thanks!""

progressive liability and renters insurance quote

progressive liability and renters insurance quote

Question about Car Insurance?

I don't know if it's possible to get an answer from you guys, but it's worth a try! I have State Farm insurance, and I'm going to be driving a 2006 Hyundai Sonata, and i'm 16 years old. It's black, & I make pretty good grades, 3.5 is my avg (I heard that mattered) I was just wondering how much it would be per month! If you have any help, that would be great! Thanks :)""

""I need to find how much insurance would cost on a dodge charger, tune-up, tires etc including coupons?

what site should i go to..?

How much would it cost approximately to insure a commercial van in the UK?

For the purpose of a university business plan i need to know very approximately how much it would cost for a small company to insure a second hand van , sort of like this one http://vans.autotrader.co.uk/used-vans/mercedes-benz/vito/2006/at8a6ab63235e7d22b0135ee88617f51e1/mercedes-vito-109-cdi-long-air-conditioning-diesel - so a few year old , good condition aporx 50-100 thousand miles on it bought second hand for about 5-7K , i literally need to know what ball park w're talking , 500ish? 1000? more , less? I have no idea... thank you""

Whats the cheepest car on insurance for a 17 year old and how much?

whats the cheepest car on insurance for a 17 year old and how much

Will a new insurance company looking into rates know of a ticket which hasn't been sent in guilty or not yet?

I recently got a ticket for failing to drive in the correct lane, but I haven't sent it in guilty or not guilty yet. And now I am looking into car insurance rates. Will the insurance company know I got the ticket?""

""NYC drivers, is there a cheaper way to get Auto insurance?""

I hate the fact that we in NYC have to pay 5x more for auto insurance. I noticed some people have cheaper insurance, is there possibly a way to get cheaper insurance?""

Young drivers car insurance?

Okay i know this has probably been asked alot but here here it is, im 19 and passed my test last month, ive been searching round on some sites but cant find anything for under 5000. Does anybody know what car is cheapest and through which insurer?""

WHat is a good cheap auto insurance? I am an 18 year old male....yes I know I'm screwed.?

It is bad enough having insurance when your a teen male, but when you have a sports car with a V8 in it...well it gets a whole lot worse. I just bought my dream car (a pontiac trans am) and now I would like insurance so I can drive it....the car cleared out my savings(im a senior in high school so I didnt have a whole lot to begin with). I heard viking insurance is good , but IDK. I want to have decent coverage, but also not have my whole paycheck go to them either. anybody have any tips or know of any good insurance companies. ps and no i dont want to sell my car and buy some Civic lol""

Cheap car insurance in Oklahoma?

Where can I get a good deal on car insurance in Oklahoma?

2000+ Toyota Celica Insurance and More?

I'm a 16 year old boy and expecting to buy this car for about $6,000 in August. I am looking for details such as mpg and insurance rates for a 16yo boy buying this car. I heard the mpg are really good on this car but will it be worth it if the insurance is high? Help me decide and give me other car ideas under the budget of $7,000 -Cory, CT""

18 year old full cover insurance?

I'm 18 and I have full cover insurance on a saab 97x but I pay 200$ I wanna see what I can do to pay less

Would my auto insurance increase if I hit a careless pedestrian jaywalking on a private property?

Would my auto insurance increase if I hit a careless pedestrian jaywalking on a private property? Here are the case facts: - 1. Pedestrian was hit by my car while crossing a road located within a private property (a community college) in Brampton, Ontario (Canada) 2. I was in no position to clearly see the pedestrian in advance as the pedestrian suddenly appeared from behind the huge pile of snow on the side of the road. The pedestrian was walking from the parking lot and came onto the road from a blind spot. 3. I was driving at 30kms/hrs and saw the pedestrian just before I hit the pedestrian. 4. The pedestrian was NOT using the designated pedestrian crosswalk but was jaywalking on the road in attempt to cross the road. 5. I applied brakes as soon as I saw the pedestrian on my way but the pedestrian got hit by the time finished applying the breaks. I think my car came in contact with the pedestrian when the car had almost stopped possibly causing the minimum impact. Pedestrian seemed to be all right (not injured) but was slightly in pain due to the hit as my car hit her in the thigh. She did not fall down and was still able to walk (but was crying due to the shock) 6. I called 911 (both cops and ambulance) and they didnt charge me with offence. 7. The Police Officer concluded that it was not my fault after he confirmed with the witnesses that I actually tried to stop the car and that the pedestrian was jaywalking and not using the pedestrian walk for cross the road. The cop mentioned that I would have been charged if I were not driving on a private property. The building security also concluded that I was not at fault. 8. The police accident report makes no mention of my fault. 9. The paramedics concluded that pedestrian was not injured and was all right but they took her to the hospital anyway (for check up since the pedestrian seemed to have some pain in the thigh) My question is  Although, I was not ticketed or charged, would MY INSURANCE GO UP? I have heard that Insurance companies are notorious and would hold you responsible anyways or may hold you partially at fault?""

Whats the price for transfering insurance?

Wanted to switch my insurance from my truck thats not running to one that is

How can I price/estimate what my car insurance payment will be if I don't currently have a car?

I live in New Jersey. I haven't EVER had my own car insurance although when I was in high school I was on my parents' insurance. I am a 28 year old female. Thanks all!!!

""When you rent a car, what happens if you get into an accident? Does your own insurance company?

cover your liability? Or will insurance automatically come with the car you rent? How does it work?

What does a full coverage insurance cover?

If my car was in an accident and i have a full coverage insurance plan what exactly does the insurance cover? The car was totalled and can no longer be used.

How much would my insurance go up if im 17 and was at fault for a car accident worth more then 750 dollars?

my family plan was about 3k every 6 months. The other car had about 3.4k worth of damage also. Also if i turn 18 will my insurance still become cheaper?

What is the best type of life insurance to purchase?

I know nothing about life insurance but I would like to buy some to assure me and my kids will be taken care of in the event my husband passes. He only has one 1 issue which is Rheumatoid arthritis, otherwise in good health. . Me and my husband are both close to 50 years old. What is the best insurance to purchase? I know that term insurance expires. Does that mean if you do not pass within the term you do not get any money back that you have paid into it?. Thinking about a 250.000 dollar policy. Thank you.""

How can i start selling life insurance at home and what type of license do i need?

Would i be able to start my own buisness online and localy selling another companys life insurance and setting up appointments what kind of license do i need to sell insurance and for my own buisness do i just selling life insurance for another company do i just need a llc license

Is the homeowners insurance higher in florida if you have a pool?

Is the homeowners insurance higher in florida if you have a pool?

California Lawyer Malpractice Insurance Requirements?

Does a lawyer in California have to get Malpractice Insurance in order to take clients? For example if a newly admitted lawyer wanted to do a simple will for a family friend, would they have to obtain insurance first or can they take the case, at their own peril, and collect a fee for it?""

How much is health insurance for a 55 yr old women??

i live in southern ca and we are looking on getting a affordable health insurance for my mother she is 55 yrs... around how much will we be expecting on paying mothly... and what good health insurances are recomended??

How can I get access to affordable US Health care as an American who lives in France?

It has been almost 2 years and I really feel like there is something not right with my health but the doctors in France aren't listening. I have swollen lymph nodes for over a year now. Some disappear, then reappear in different locations. And I am very fatigued and have itching behind my knees at night that wakes me up. Yet there is not a rash nor insect bite. It seems like the doctors in France rely strictly on complete blood counts for everything and if your blood tests are normal, then there is nothing wrong with you. I wonder if it would be the same in the US system, considering France was the winner of the WHO's Best Medical System in the World award. Shoudl I purchase an insurance plan on the web and seek treatment in the US?""

Cheap Car Insurance - Please Help?

Hello in June I will be 17 years old! Obviously like all 17 year old males I want a car! I'm not massively fussed about the car as long as it doesn't cost to much! Today I have been looking at cars such as; FIAT CINQUENCENTO Perodua Nippa EX and a few other cars bellow 1l I live in Northamptonshire and my postcode is NN1 *** on comparison websites i cant find insurance for less than 3500 when that is miles out of my price range! If anyone knows any insurance sites or extremely cheap cars to insure for 17 year olds then please reply to this. Any help will be much appreciated. Thanks

Need health insurance for my child

need health insurance for my child I have a child who lives with his mom and I need to buy health insurance for him, Im also moving o/s so I cannot get insurance though my work, does anyone know of any programs or discount insurance company I can go though.""

progressive liability and renters insurance quote

progressive liability and renters insurance quote

""You must have car insurance, question about that?""

Here in Utah, it is law that you must have car insurance. I'm wondering though, what if I borrow my father's car, and it is insured, but I am not an insured driver, how does this work? Is it fine as long as the car is insured? I might not be an insured driver but does that still fulfill the law? If not, why do people borrow cars all the time?""

Insurance on 2011 subaru STI?

I'm 19 sold my truck that had become a money pit and saved about 5 grand to put down on a new car. I make about $1950 a month at my job and have been there for a year. I came across a subaru Impreza STI for the price of $29000 only has 400 miles on the car and I can afford the payments per month (around $400) I'm just curious about insurance costs. I'm 19 been driving for 3 years no accidents and no tickets... What should I expect for insurance per month??(ballpark estimate) my insurance guy is not in til tomorrow just asking to see what you guys think

Where to get pregnancy insurance?

Please can someone tell me where to get pregnancy insurance? I am a UK citizen and will be spending the whole of 2010 in America (Boston). Thanks

Should Obama be impeached for saying you can keep your insurance?

Should Obama be impeached for saying you can keep your insurance?

What is the best (price and care) auto insurance for someone with a DUI?

So about 7 years ago I made a mistake and got a DUI. I realize it stays on your record for 10 years but there has to be decent full coverage insurance in San Francisco that does set me back almost $200 every month. Any suggestions?

Will auto insurance be cheaper If i'm on my parent's plan?

I'm 17. I graduated college early, so i'm now a sophomore in college. I have a job, where I make generally $600 a month. Not much but i'll be graduating soon so I can deal with it until I move out. Anyway, I'm having to buying my own car because the car my parents bought me is sadly a piece of crap and breaking down every other day. (06 suzuki, they should stick to making ATV's.) I'll be making $100 per month car payments until February, and i'll also be paying for my own insurance. It's complicated. The lowest quote I can find online is about $186 bucks, which I can't afford. I don't need full coverage, I can't afford it. And won't be able to for a while. If i'm on my mom's insurance plan, it should be quite a bit cheaper, right? I'll be 18 in a month but i've had 1 speeding ticket. The car i'm buying is an 02 Jeep liberty. Is it possible to be able to pay around $90-$130 under my mom's plan? Or is that just completely out of the question.""

Progressive will our insurance go up?

So my Dad has Progressive insurance. I drive one of his cars that is under his name on both the title and the insurance. I got my license revoked. I'm curious if his insurance will find out about it if my name is not on the insurance card. I'm not sure if he has me listed anywhere else on the insurance if that is even possible, all I have is the card and my name is nowhere on it. Basically I want to know if his insurance rates are going to go up because of me.""

""Thinking of buying Subaru Impreza WRX, What are upkeep/maintenece and servicing costs/?""

I am thinking of buying an impreza and have tried to find info online about servicing and upkeep costs of them. I have been looking at both 2.0 wrx 03-05 models and also the newer 2.5 wrx 55-07 model (havent decided which yet!!). I have an insurance quote fro around 750 for both and I am happy with this. I have seen a few cars that I like. One of which is an 03 reg 54,000 miles. the other is the newer model 06 reg done 54000 miles and another of the same model thats only done 45000 miles. Can anyone tell me what the maintenece costs would be on this with doing about 6000 miles a year? When would the next service be due and what are the likely costs of these? Regards""

""Car insurance, help please?""

I'm 18 years old & looking into buying a used 2011 nissan Altima from a dealer soon. My mom will be a cosigner for it & I was wondering if I would be able to insure that car under her name as the primary & me as an additional driver? Insurance rates are just too outrageous & unaffordable for my age & for new cars with full coverage so I'm really hoping that it would be possible for her to insure it since she'll be a cosigner. Thanks for all the help & answers, greatly appreciated!""

Which of the following medical expenses are deductible for AGI?

#NAME?

Where can i find some good health insurance?

i live in california bay area i'm just wondering if theres any good insurance out there i'm 19 and i just don't feel safe without health insurance and how do i know if it's a good or crappy one please explain in details

Do I need to declare to my insurance company If I change my alloy wheels.?

It currently has the factory 16 alloy wheels on but 2 of them are buckled. I don't want to buy new ones the same as this seems to be a common problem with ford fiesta alloys so was thinking of replacing them with the same size alloys of a different brand. Do I have to declare this to my insurance company?

How much would car insurance be in boca raton fl?

i am a 21 female, toyota corolla s 2006, 31,000 miles ... how much would insurance be? i have a clean driving record... also my car is currently registered in PA .. how do i transfer my car and license to florida ?? ...""

""I need good, affordable health insurance. Any suggestions? Do any exist specifically for Nursing students?""

I already looked into StateFarm and they quoted me at near $200, and that's just way too much. I need something that's gonna be less than $100.""

Should i get 20 year term or a 30 year term life insurance?

My husband and I currently have a 20 year term life insurance policy. We are switching companies because we were paying too much at State Farm. I'm 30 and he is 33 and we are both in very good health. We have a 9 month old baby boy and our policies are for $500,000 each. The rate I'm getting is $45 for both of us for the 20 year term and $70 for both of us for the 30 year term. Which one should I go with?""

How can I make car insurance lower?

I have 6 points on my license at the moment, which everyone already knows has made my car insurance skyrocket. As points get taken off my license will the car insurance go down? If not does anyone have any advice on any kind of way I can make my insurance cheaper?""

Cheap car insurance for young male drivers?

where is the best place to get cheap car insurance for a young male driver??

What do you mean by car insurance quotes?

What do you mean by car insurance quotes?

Bmw 1992 insurance cost?

what is the insurance cost for 1992 bmw 352i???

Car insurance on a ROUSH.?

How much would it cost for a 17 year old, with no tickets and had never gotten into a wreak, to be covered on a 2007 mustang roush?""

Insurance cost for a 16 year old with a 1986 iroc camaro?

I'm 16 have a 1986 iroc camaro 350ci and i live in an average neighborhood in western ny i'm a male. any insurance guestimates? I'm gonna need to be on my own plan.

Should i have my g2 licence for sure to get my auto insurance?

I've my international driving permit and g1 license.... but when i try to get auto insurance quote in the internet... The results are not given,if i mention i have my international driving licence or G1 licence.... So this is making me wonder, only if i have g2 licence... its possible to get my car insurance in canada? ... Please help.""

My cousin's car got into an accident. How much would the insurance company cover?

My cousin had an accident a few weeks ago. He accidentally bumped his car in the rear of another car. The rear part of the other car is wrecked. The other car is covered by an insurance. How much would my cousin have to pay? Will he need to pay anything given that the car is insured? Please help, I don't know much about insurance and I want to help my cousin""

Car accident involving two parties with same insurance company?

Hi there, My dad was involved in a car accident where the other party was at fault in WA state. Both parties have same insurance company. The Insurance company deemed the car as a total loss and sent a check of $4000. Meanwhile my dad had to go to a doctor because his neck is super stiff. Did anyone have similar experiences? $4000 isn't enough for a new car, and they can't afford car payments at this time (my mom has was just laid of), should we get a lawyer to contact the insurance company to demand higher compensation? Thanks!""

What is the approx cost of car insurance ( group 18) for a teen driver? UK?

What is the approx cost of car insurance ( group 18) for a teen driver? UK?

progressive liability and renters insurance quote

progressive liability and renters insurance quote

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/wisconsin-insurance-health-katelyn-bolton/"

[camp-witch]

part II

FRIDAY

Friday we set out for a waterfall. Post the usual bus ride, The path was lined with people selling their wares, beers and tamales , and the line to the waterfall was slow and long. Easter is a big travel holiday for most in mexico, and also bathing in water is a easter tradition so we didnt have much time there because of the crowds. We came back up to the parking lot and was waiting for the bus to take us back when we woman came out of the bush and told everyone that there was a lesser travelled path, more rustic, to another waterfall nearby, and we could hike it for 5 pesos. We accepted.

When we started down the path, we all realized that most of us were not dressed for the part and also rustic was an understatement. I was in my element, though. For the first time since arriving here, I felt at home. The trees and the plants were different, but the forest is always a comfort to me.

It was probably one of the most fun hikes of my life. And at the bottom, we stripped and swam to meet this glorious waterfall. It was very cold, but worth the swim. It was invigorating and fun to move my body and feel the summer time. 

We got dressed and started back toward the parking lot after a time. When we reached cell service, one of our companions realized that a coffee farm was walkable from where we stood and it would be much easier to try to walk than to find a ride. So for another hour we walked, up an very high mountain, until we finally reached the coffee farm. The plants were beautiful. And we made it just in time for a tour. Although it was all in spanish, I tried to pick out a word here or there. The coffee tasting was the best part. We were so very cold and wet by that point, it was sundown, and it was probably the best tasting coffee I had ever had. We ate dinner there, and they brought out some local malbec, and made me a special dish, and I felt so cozy and comforted. I slept really well that night.

SATURDAY

The next morning we set out early, to meet a guide who promised to bring us to see some natural formations and a cave. It was to be a four-five hour journey, tops. it turned into being one of the most challenging days of my life, and we didn't make it home until sundown. sheesh. I still cringe thinking about it.

Thanks, Full moon Blue moon. 

We rode in the back of a pickup (all 9 of us) for about a half an hour until we reached a mountainous range where you could drive any further, and toothless leathery old men carried baskets down the road in bare feet.  We hiked down a narrow, stoney path for another half hour until we found a cabin the forest. Here we dropped our bags; we couldnt take anything with us, not even cell phones. We needed our hands free. Only our city shoes, clothes and wearing our bathing suits. Clearly, I didnt know what we were getting into because of the language barrier, but honestly I dont think anyone else knew either. This was going to be an intense and dangerous hike, and we were paying this man to put us through it. I was excited but also nervous. Ive never hiked with a guide before, 

The first thing we traversed was a good few miles of wild before reaching natural formations in rock close to a waterfall where the pools of water resembled a dog’s paw print. You could dive into the water and find small holes in the rock, coming out into the other pools. Really cool. I am not a strong swimmer so I didn't do it, But others tried.

He took us up a small thorny path to the entrance of a cave. Ive never been to a cave before. I was picturing in my head that it would be a huge cavernous opening where we would walk in for a while and admire the landscape, and then walk out. But no. We slipped into this cave single file and dropped into neck deep black water with an inch of headspace, and were instructed to walk. Everyone did no gleefully, and full of adventure. I wish i could say the same. But i’m actually REALLY CLAUSTROPHOBIC and almost immediately wanted to vomit, pass out and piss myself at the same time. Because of the language barrier, or maybe because of the lack of telling, I am really not sure, but I honestly didn't know what we were doing, otherwise I wouldn't have gone. But with more than 8 people behind me and none of them knowing me or my language, I had to push through. Tears and all. I surprised myself that with the hyperventilating and the vertigo, i didn't pass out and die in the dark enclosed waters. I dont even like reliving it right now, so I will leave it at that. Just know that i survived probably the scariest and most challenging experience of my life. I really have no desire to go anywhere near a cave again.

We hiked further up a mountain, where we were told we were to repel down a cliff face and into deep water- after the first girl went and said it was far too difficult for beginners, I declined and hiked down instead and swam to met everyone. At this point I am feeling like a huge coward. First the freak out in the cave, now I am chickening out of a climb, in front of all these people who dont know me, my history, my struggles with anxiety. It’s beginning to get hard to enjoy myself, with all my fears out here in the open like that.

After the climbing, we hiked for a few miles until reaching a waterfall where the instructor actually told us to JUMP (i didn't, i hiked around) and a few members of our group did. At this point I really didn't know if these two kids had any protocols for accidents or safety, and I was feeling extremely ashamed of my american-ness and fear. I finished out my day like that- hiking in an exhausted daze, feeling real shitty about myself. We hiked a few more miles, ended at a smaller waterfall, and finally hiked back to the bus. Hungry, exhausted, and 9 hours later. No meals, no water, and no sense of pride.

This was one of the hardest days Ive ever had, and the most shameful, and I think I am going to be unpacking my fears and cowardice for a long time. 

[stardustandcatpaws-blog]

five

It has really been a really long time since I have written anything. I noticed, right now actually, that my self esteem has been gradually getting lower since I stopped giving myself compliments everyday. I will start again tomorrow. However, right now, this writing session is for reflection. 

About 6 months ago, I had a stalker. Almost immediately after/in the midst of dealing with my stalker, I got an emotionally abusive boyfriend. 4 months after that, I found out I had a pretty sever ulcer and cancer and broke up with my boyfriend. 1 month after that I got a surgery to remove my cancer, incurred a lot of debt from surgery, loans, taxes, etc., met the man of my dreams (or so he seems now) and have had approximately ZERO time to reflect and deal with all of it. SO, here it is:

The stalker (he has a name but it makes me sick to think about him so...), was a guy I dated who lived in a city, approximately one hour from my current city in Korea. We met through a language exchange app. I wanted to learn Korean and he wanted to learn English. After a few times of language exchange he asked me on a date; he seemed nice and charming so I said, yes. We dated from May to July, last year. He was a nice guy, seemingly intelligent, good goals (wanting to get further in the police force), healthy, worked out a lot, etc. HOWEVER, I cant tell you what it was exactly that made me question being with him, but my gut instinct just told me to stop dating him. We stopped dating (I cant really say broke up because we weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend) and he WENT INSANE!

I am a nice person when I break up with someone: I listen to them, apologize but remain firm, explain my feelings over and over again and I am patient for a few days.... however, with him, I would tell him we are broken up and he would just laugh and not take me seriously. He showed up at my house multiple times, called my friends, spammed my inboxes on every social media. Usually men do that for a while after you break up with some hope of getting back together, however after a couple days you just ignore them and they give up and move on. NOT THIS TIME. I think it took me 2 full weeks to realize I had a full blown stalker. He would come to my house, unannounced, every day. He would leave gifts outside my door and make up fake messenger accounts to talk to me and send virtual gifts after I blocked him. My friend Matt called the police for me 4 times to complain about the stalker because I would go to him crying every time I received another message or gift.

For the first month it was more annoying than it was scary. The police were not much help, as I am an English foreigner and they are Korean police officers. It was quite hard to communicate and convince them I really had a stalker. I think it was one month into the stalking, after the 3rd phone call to the police that I became genuinely scared; terrified actually.  He showed up at my house with flowers and a letter. He stayed outside for hours and would message me online saying things like, “I know you’re in there,” “The police can’t do anything to me, I know the law.” We called the police and when they arrived to speak to him in person I thought, finally this will be taken care of. I watched through the window of my friends apartment, the police talked to him for 2 hours. Finally, it was finished! WRONG. Before even getting into a taxi to take himself home, he sent me a picture of the flowers he had bought me and sent me a very long message describing all of the places he is going to take me after he buys a car, where our new house will be, what our children will be like, etc. I knew he was dangerous at that point.

Thankfully, I live in an apartment building with other people I work with so they could tell me if he came back to the apartment. For 2 weeks after the last incident with the roses, it was fairly calm. A message here and there from fake accounts but no in person sightings. I thought he was calming down, but then I received a letter at work. It was a 5 page hand written letter in English, describing every part of my body in detail and things he wanted to do me. There were some really disgusting things he said about me but the scariest one for me was when he mentioned multiple times that he can’t wait until I am pregnant so he can take care of me better. It was quite repulsive. 2 days letter I received 2 more letters in my home mail box. The contents of these letters were similar to the first. 

1 week after the letter incident, I was moving into another apartment upstairs because I didn’t want him to have my address. After moving some furniture upstairs, I went downstairs to my old apartment to get another load of stuff and there he was; my stalker just standing in my old apartment. I didnt think he would ever come back after talking to the police. Apparently I was wrong. I still remember the sick feeling I got when I saw him. When he saw me standing in the doorway, he said, “Ill forgive you for calling the police.” In that moment my instincts told me to just stay calm and not make him angry by yelling or running away. To this day, I have still never seen him angry. He has such an eerie calmness about him. He started a casual conversation, asking about my day and I just said I was moving and forgot something upstairs so I had to go get it and we will talk when I get back down. He started following me upstairs and I had no idea what to do but in that moment MY FRIEND WHO LIVED UPSTAIRS CAME DOWN AND SAW HIM. THANK GOD FOR COLLIN! Already knowing about my stalker and what I was going through, my friend and him started getting into an argument. Another friend heard what was going on in the hallway and called the police. He left before he could get arrested.

In the week that followed I filed a real police report for breaking and entering as well as stalking. I had a korean translator (also my friend) at the police station so things went fairly well, minus when the detective working my case asked me out on a date (WTF!). It was finally over, or so I thought. It takes time for someone to be charged and arrested so he was free to do as he pleased until the police got around to taking care of the situation. 

2 weeks after I filed the report, my frisbee team had a tournament in a city named, Pohang; maybe 2 hours away from my stalkers city. I played a few frisbee games that day and I was at the field for approximately 5 hours. I checked my phone when our tournament was over and there was a message on my instagram from a random account. The message was 3 pictures of me during the tournament, playing frisbee and a, “I will join you soon.” I was quite confused... maybe it was him? Maybe it was a joke from a fellow player? I walked off the field to find my stalker talking to the frisbee league organizer. He was trying to join frisbee!!!!!!! I was so shocked. I just blurted out, “What are you doing here?” Of course the reply was just a calm, “To join frisbee.” At this point I honestly could not handle it anymore. I was so scared!!! I cried a lot and went to find my friend Matt to fix it (he was on the same team as I was). Matt went and found my stalker and the organizer. After an aggressive conversation, I’m told, my stalker was banned from all frisbee related things. Again, I went back to the police station in Andong but nothing could be done because the other charges were still going through.

In the end Im not exactly sure what happened... I know he had to pay a fine and go to jail/do some community service. I know when they first mentioned jail time to me that he would get out in April or May... Maybe that is why I have been thinking so much about it all lately.

Being stalked by him has changed me in a lot of ways... I am scared to walk alone at night, in fear that he may be around the corner. I am scared to be in my apartment alone because I know it’s not that hard to break into someones house if you really wanted. I quit drinking when the stalking first started because I felt like it could put me at extreme risk. I just don’t go out partying anymore. There may be a time when I drink again, but it will not be in public. I found it extremely difficult to trust people before, so now it is almost impossible.  

Immediately after the stalking, I met a man. I talked about him 2 posts ago. I didnt realize it at the time but I think I just needed to be with someone to make me feel safe. It is quite ironic because thinking about it now, he is the LAST person who would care about my well being. I mentioned before, he is a narcissist. Not a narcissist in the sense people use nowadays in regards to selfishness, but a real narcissist. Having already been in shock, and not even having started recovery from my stalker, I dived into this relationship and I just believed every stupid, abusive word that came out of his mouth. There was one point when I thought we would get married. (LOL!) And then, after 4 months, I realized I was in an abusive relationship and left. I covered some of the details in another post.

After the stalking and the break up, I went to the hospital to get some tests because my stomach was quite sore. Turns out I have an ulcer and had cancer. I got surgery to get the cancer removed so that’s taken care of, but being 25 and hearing you have cancer is not fun. It is quite scary. Also I felt quite alone dealing with it. Of course, I have some friends here who have offered to go with me to appointments and listen to me when Im sad - I am truly grateful and love them for it. <3 But its still tiresome, going to all of the appointments in different cities, different hospitals, spending money you dont have, translation, etc. I considered quitting my job at one point and moving back to Canada for a while to decompress but I quickly dismissed that thought because the thought of moving anywhere with cats, canceling a contract, and flying for 33 hours just didn’t seem worth it. SO! I acted like I usually do: said the bare minimum to people about my situation, pretended like I was ok, made a few cancer jokes and moved on. Not the healthiest way to go about things but what else am I supposed to do ?

You get to this weird point (currently mid-twenties for me), when you realize as everyone gets older, they tend to focus their energy on themselves. They have their own problems, so they focus their energy on their problems and don’t get too involved in your own. As they should! I have come to the realization that no one has to care or help me deal with my problems other than myself. I know for some people this is quite an obvious observation... However, I am the kind of person who will take time out of my day to sincerely talk to you about a real problem and help you find a solution. I will be with you until the very end, using any resource or energy possible to get you through it and to make you happy again. When I found out I had cancer, I was kind of angry when people didn’t show the same kindness to me that I would have/have shown them in the past. Instead it was met with a lot of, “Well ya, my uncle had cancer,” or “Ya, that sucks.” Even I remember trying to tell some people about how alone and sad I felt and the reaction was that they offered to help or that if they were in their home country they wouldn’t have their family with them so they would also be alone, etc. I was quite upset, thinking about how dismissive my friends were to me for talking about my feelings with regards to my cancer. Thinking about it now, however, I should not have been upset with people. I think everyone has a certain capacity for the “shit they can deal with;” few people, like me, can deal with a lot of problems (my own and other people’s) and still be sane (well kind of LOL) and other people deal with just a regular amount of problems. Upon reflecting, I am happy to have friends I can at least share my problems with. I can’t expect anyone to be sincere every time because, let’s be real, I HAVE A LOT OF “SHIT” XD. Maybe at that moment in time, the dismissive reaction was due to them dealing with their own problems and using their energy in a healthy way. It is a good thing. I can learn from them. One of my major problems is always using my energy on everyone and everything, except for myself. The more I grow and the more problems I have, the more I learn that I really need to help myself heal first before I help everyone else. Much easier said then done!!! 

AHHHH. That was such a great therapy session. Im going to take a shower, cry, do a face mask and sleep for 10 hours. The last 5 years I have quite extensively focused on my past and have done MANY therapy sessions in order to heal my mind. All of a sudden, right now, I feel like it is time to close that chapter and focus on the present and future. I just FEEL like I have completed something. Tomorrow is going to be a great day! <3