#i found my ask and this was not worth getting upset over smh

[iamanartichoke]

This seems like kind of a dumb question, but you asked for questions and you're a Loki fan, so—what exactly did Loki do to that guy's eye in Stuttgart? I always thought he just held him down and scanned the eye so it could be duplicated for Clint to access the iridium, but then there are references to him just like cutting out his eye entirely.

This is definitely not a dumb question, tbh I don't really know exactly what Loki did to the eye. I've always assumed that Loki cut it out, due to his body language when he's doing it. I've mentioned this before, but Loki has this very consistent tendency to look away at the pivotal violent moment of a kill (or just a gruesome eye removal):

Avengers:

^^ Loki is looking slightly over Coulson's shoulder, not at the blade or the wound;

TDW:

^^ Loki is moving so quickly that it was impossible to get good screencaps, so I'm sorry, Loki, for how unflattering these are - but, when he's moving very fast he does seem to keep an eye on the elves so he can see what he's doing, but once he's on the last elf and the immediate threat has passed, he looks away while doing the killing;

Ragnarok:

^^ Loki is looking at his opponent when he first swings his murder tiara at him, but when he actually goes in for the kill, he's looking away;

Loki:

^^ And most recently, he's driving the blade into this TVA officer for the kill but is looking away, over his (the officer's) shoulder, not at what his (Loki's) hand or blade is doing.

I always found this tendency of Loki's to be interesting bc he's never struck me as someone who is particularly squeamish but, rather, it reads more like he's someone who really dislikes violence but he does what he has to do when he has to do it. He doesn't take any pleasure in the actual violence part of his violent acts; he's compelled to look away at the very last moment or as soon as it's "safe" to do so. That he does this even in Avengers, when he's so mind-influenced, really speaks to this aversion. (I once again must commend Tom on what have to be deliberate acting choices, unspoken yet so consistent they add to Loki's characterization without him having to say a word.)

My point is, in the scene in question, Loki looks away right as he plunges the tool-thing (does anyone know what it's called?) into the guy's eye, making me assume it's particularly violent and that he doesn't actually want to look at what he's doing:

^^ You can see that he's got his eye (heh) on the target in the first still, but in the second one, when he actually plunges it down, he looks away as he does it. He's not getting pleasure out of this; rather, there's a detached, kind of clinical feel in how he does this that speaks to his (I feel) revulsion at the violence. Yes, he's smiling and looking very pleased a few moments later, but as you can see, he only smiles once he notices the people around him scattering and screaming; he takes pleasure in their fear and, by extension, his own sense of feeling powerful and threatening. The eye part is an afterthought, secondary to his delight in the reaction he's causing.

So, yeah. That's how I always interpreted the scene - that Loki cut his eye out bc of reasons. However, I did go and look it up for this ask, and this is what the MCU wikia has to say about it:

Loki traveled to Stuttgart to find Heinrich Schafer, a scientist with access to a warehouse containing Iridium, an element Erik Selvig needed to stabilize the inter-dimensional portals created by the Tesseract.

Loki infiltrated a gala where Schafer was a guest speaker, and personally attacked him to create a diversion ... Loki used a device to send an image of Schafer's eye to Barton's location, and open the warehouse using the projection of the eye to pass a retina scanner.

This description makes it seem like Loki just scanned his eye, but I noted that Schafer's status is Deceased on the wikia, and clicking on his entry gives us this description:

He then used a device to extract Schäfer's eye and send a holographic copy to Hawkeye in order to open the vault with the iridium.

- so this explicitly says that Loki did extract the eye, the implication being that the guy didn't survive the process (I suppose he could have died from shock?).

So in short, the answer is (probably) both - Loki cuts out the eye entirely so that he could scan it to Clint to access the iridium. But yeah, on-screen it's not really clear exactly what Loki's doing. (Also I did not know until now that the eye-guy was an actual named character Loki chose on purpose; I always thought he was just some random schmoe in the wrong place at the wrong time, lmao.)

Thank you for the ask!

reblog if you want your followers to ask you anything they’re curious about.

[missmorosis]

pranks they would pull

-> feat. oikawa, kuroo, and bokuto

word count: 1k (combined!)

warnings: none!! ENJOY SOME CUTE FLUFF HEHE

genre: fluff and lowkey crack??

a/n: PLEASE I LOVED WRITING THESE ASLDKJF

» prank wars with oikawa? it’s a regular.

» his pranks are always the most dramatic i swear

» he’ll pretend to pass out in front of you PLEASE- 

» baes he’s a dramatic GUY SO WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT

» either that, or he’ll pretend he’s mad at you bc ✨attention✨

Oikawa deemed himself a genius: wouldn't it be fun to mess with his Y/N-chan?

You were picking something up from the bakery, likely the milk bread he had begged her to get for hours. The second he spotted you walking out the bakery doors and towards the car he was in, he feigned anger and told himself that "it was showtime."

"Hey babe!" you chirped, entering the passenger seat through the car door. When he didn't answer, you poked his shoulder, but he shrugged your finger off.

"Did- did I do something?" You ran your fingers through your hair, thinking of all the possible times you could have made him upset in any way.

The only thing that popped in your head was...

"Is this because I stole the last piece of your milk bread this morning? I just bought some more for you," you asked, slowly, handing him the freshly baked bread from the bag yoy were holding. It took all of Oikawa's willpower not to burst out laughing and kiss you right then and there.

While it was true that he refused to share his bread, he would never really be mad about that. Besides, when you ran away with the rest of his bread, he found the mischievous smirk on your face adorable.

So he scoffed instead, and you took that as a no. He looked away to hide a smile.

"Baby, I don't know wha-"

"Really, Y/N?" He tried to put all the venom he could into his voice, and you couldn’t lie: your boyfriend really could be intimidating when he wanted to be.

"I- I'm really-" You turned around the second you heard your voice waver, and you felt yourself tear up.

"Babe?" Oikawa asked cautiously, and you turned to face him. His "anger" erased as soon as he saw the tears in your eyes, and he kissed your cheek. "... it was a prank."

The sadness in your eyes quickly morphed into annoyance, and you wiped your tears away.

"I... actually hate you for that, Tooru."

"I should win an Oscar for that performance," he sang. You laughed half-heartedly.

"Don't lie to yourself," you said, rolling your eyes.

"Hm, says the person who actually fell for it." You gasped, and his eyes lit up playfully.

» lowkey i feel like he would pull the lamest/classic pranks LMAOO

» like drawing on your sleeping face, using toothpaste in your oreos, fake bugs in your shoe

» that sort of vibe smh

» the second you notice, he will BURST OUT LAUGHING WITH HIS LIL ROOSTER LAUGH

Softly snickering to himself, Kuroo couldn’t help but be excited. He quietly looked over to your peaceful, sleeping figure, and had the strongest urge to draw all over it. 

As much as he hated to disturb your sleep, he knew this was going to be worth it. Carefully holding a black marker above your face, he tried to decide what to do first. 

God, you were so cute when you were asleep. 

Your peaceful, relaxed face was enough to make his heart swell; a faint smile twitching on your lips causing happiness to blossom all over him. He smiled before reminding himself what he was there for.

Shoot.

He hovered over your cheek for a good twenty seconds before going in for a mustache. The mustache turned into a cat’s tail, and the cat’s tail turned into a cat with wings, and so on.

He bit his lip to keep from laughing, just so that he wouldn’t wake you up, but he couldn’t hold in a snicker. 

You turned around in your sleep, mumbling incoherently, causing Kuroo to let out a string of curses under his breath.

“Good morning,” he sang before you could say anything, and you smiled with your eyes still closed. He quickly tossed the marker under your bed as you turned back around to look at him.

“G’morning,” you mumbled, your eyes drooping with exhaustion, but happiness in your face nonetheless. Kuroo pulled out his phone, snapping a picture before anything else happened, and you frowned. “Why’d you take a picture?”

At this point, he couldn't hold it in anymore and he let it all out. In between laughs and gasps for air, he pat your head.

“Might want to look in a mirror, babe,” was all he said before turning around and heading out the door. 

» he can’t pull pranks on you.

» every time he tries, he just becomes a laughing and super excited mess, and you already know something’s up

» OR!! he feels bad and gives up </3

» poor baby gets all pouty when it doesn’t work :(

» JUST KISS HIM AND HE’LL BE HAPPY AGAIN HEHE

Bokuto was set on scaring you. He was gonna do it this time.

Excitedly crawling underneath your shared bed, he patiently awaited you to come. He made sure the blanket was hanging over the edge so he could hide behind it, and he rested his chin on the carpet, similarly to a sleepy puppy. His amber eyes was carefully watching your bedroom doorway, just so he didn’t miss when you came in.

The second he spotted your feet walking through the door, he got ready to grab your ankles as to scare you.

3...

2...

“I saw your arms from outside the hallway,” you sang, lifting the blanket so you could look Bokuto in the eyes. 

What? You had seen him?

The figure of Bokuto crouched underneath your bed was hilarious to you; he could barely fit, and the position he was in couldn’t be comfortable.

"C'mon, couldn't you at least play along?" he pouted, and you burst out laughing, shaking your head.

He’s so cute. 

“Fine.” His face lit up in a smile as he threw the blanket over the bed once more, trying his best to hide underneath it. He grabbed your ankles and you feigned a gasp. “Wow, Bokuto, I didn’t see you there,” you deadpanned. Bokuto huffed and crawled out of beneath the bed.

Or... at least tried to.

“I’m- ow-” he hit his head on the edge of the bed frame, “... stuck.” He gave a sheepish grin, eyes peering up at you from below.

“Koutarou- oh my gosh.”

a/n: is this a weird format HAHAHAHKLSJFD- ANYWAYS!! hopefully this was okay!! love you as always AHHHH

taglist: @ray-ofmoonlight @floralkawa​ (send an ask to get added!)

[myfight]

ME AND MY 2 BABIES STORY PLEASE HELP US ANYBODY PLEASE AND THANK YOU

Hello Everyone I´m sorry to bother you Guys right now but as of right now i don´t know what else to do im 28 years old born in NC and brought up in NC by my grandmother my mom had 8 of us lol yes 8 of us she dropped us first four off with our grandma for a man so coming up was hard especially been the third oldest i had to grow up fast started cooking at the age of 5 childhood was very messed up and we was highly affected by our mother actions which cause us major pain because of the things we had to go through and hear getting beatings with drop cords switches belts brooms etc whatever they had close by sadly my mother came back to take us when i reach middle school all because my dad gave my grandmother money for taking care of his two he got with my mom me and a brother my mom was money hungry and still is but since he didn't give her the money she came back to take us out of spite knowing she didn't want us have your mother ever told you if her grandma was living she wouldn't had no kids at all or wish she didn't have the kids she got or feel the need to tell her kids how long they gone live in this world and her favorite was we want live to see our old age smh well mines said all of it proudly with a smile we were damage by that as well when i was 16 i moved in with my boyfriend and his family who was next door to my mom i was threaten daily by him and when i would tell my mom she would ask me what did i do to him or say to him as if it was my fault and i actually thought i was the bad guy breaking all the relationship rules then them threats turned into major beatings where i would have to run next door crying with the black eyes busted lips and all only for my mother to say the same thing WHAT DID I DO TO HIM so wrong smh sad but true it was like she didn't want me staying with her because she knew we didn't like her young husband who was beating on her and when we would take up for her she turned on us and was on his side and whatever he say goes so if he didn't want me there even doe i´m her blood she birth me she wasn't gone go against him so i want gone be there smh so i had no where at all to go but back to the one abusing me in many different forms it was like a hobby for him years passing by and beatings getting worst more black eyes bruises and busted lips he kept me in the house from everybody and i mean everybody when i was 20 i was blessed to be pregnant just by the wrong man who i always tried to get away from but i was beyond happy because i would soon see and feel what real love feels like and i thought by me being pregnant with his child the cheating would stop and i would be safe from the beatings but oh no i thought wrong yes the beatings was worst the whole 9 months i had black eyes busted lips etc even was slammed on the ground slammed on top of rocks and all while pregnant with nobody to turn too feeling unwanted and worthless but still happy because i was becoming a mother thinking when i have our baby it would be better for us both and plus i had no where to go so 2012 i had my first real love my baby thank GOD I was crying with full of joy i can say the first 2 months everything was good falling into place for my family no more beatings but then his old ways came back i´m getting beatings in front of my 2 month old even while holding him at times i´m home daily while he out living life because of my baby i kept faith even through the beatings hurt and pain then 2 years later i found out i was pregnant again i was beyond happy again but he wasn't at all so them beatings was way worst now i´m getting beating while pregnant holding my 2 year old mother still next door asking me what am i doing wrong smh he would put crushed pills in my food and drinks he would put a lot of stuff in my food and drinks to make me lose my second child i´m getting stomped and all when he get upset with whoever or when he couldn't get his way or his weed he did so much to try an make me lose my baby i went to my mom house next door while he was working i begged her to let me stay with her into i have my baby and ill do anything she said yes i could but i had to give her 200 in my food stamps every month and i was only getting 300 but i had to do whatever to save my baby this is year 2014 then i finally had my baby while staying at my moms when i was at the hospital he came crying saying all the right things i wanted to hear and now that my baby is here my mom no longer wanted us there so i went back to my baby daddy house the 3 of us everything was okay once again at first when my baby was 2 months he had came home around 3 or 4 am after leaving the club he came in all drunk just all over the place i whisper to him to please not be loud but i was talking to myself he was highly rude and loud now my 2 month old up crying and now he passes out as i´m trying to get her to stop crying he wakes up and look at me and her as we in the rocking chair and says ´´SHUT THAT LIL BITCH UP´´ and i responded back and said ´´MY BABY not NO BITCH AND YOU THE REASON SHE UP NOW¨¨ he responded back by saying the same thing so i said the same thing back as well then next thing i know i closed my eyes they were shut so tight all i could hear was a big boom and my two month old screaming when i opened my eyes all i could see was plate glass all in her hair blanket on her face and body and the same with me i broke down crying he kicked us out in the cold rain for about 30 minutes the next day came he comes in the room sees me holding my 2 month old with my 2 year old standing close by and i was on the phone and he heard me begging for some type of family help to leave from him asap i was crying he told me to get off the phone and when i didn't he throw his cellphone at me his cell phone hit my hand and broke my finger smh he put us in his car he pulled my hair all the way from our little city to the next little city while i´m in the backseat with both my babies holding them crying and that ride was almost a 30 minute ride now my scalp was bleeding and all sadly when we got back to his house i watched him sleep thinking about taking his life for all them years of beatings and cheating crying so bad and then i looked at my babies and said GOD blessed me for a reason and hes not worth leaving them because i´m all they got and want nobody treat them like i do i didn't go to sleep that night the next day he left to go out of town for work and i packed all of our stuff up and left he quit his job that same day and came where we was asking me to come back home and be with him but i was beyond tired now and over it so i said no he said ok you know what BITCH i´m tired of you and all i heard was his gun cock back and he turned around with it in his hand and all i did was fall into the front door of my grandma house on top of both my babies scared out of my mind crying laying on top of my two babies luckily my elderly cousin was there so he didn't shot the gun he said he got something for me and took off i called the law he went to jail he got out and the next day he was already with another woman everyone asked me how he moved on so fast after a day and i told them she was with him as long as i was even while i was living with him like i said before he was cheating and i was getting the beatings but me moving out him moving on didn't stop him from coming and putting his hands on me with his famous line you my baby mama i can do this and that smh never knew how to take him and at this point he would come kick in the door run over my babies bikes and all then call the police on his self and wait for them to come smh crazy right his woman he was with got mad at him and called the Social Services with a bunch of lies and the crazy part about it she called SS because the night before he wouldn't have sex with her childish right but she thought he didn't want to have sex with her because he was cheating with someone else or me baby girl not this one i was THANKING GOD i wasn't the one getting beatings every other day in front of my babies didn't even wish that on her but she texted him and said she was gone hurt him and me by getting our kids taken when i wasn't bothering them she was very close reaching that devilish goal especially with the lies that came out of her mouth but THANK GOD she was a highly sloppy sneaky person because when he showed the text of her saying that´s how she was gone hurt me and him by getting our kids taken SS dropped the case she went to jail too and they broke up for a week then he came back wanting my kids to go with her somewhere i said no he slapped me but that slapped didn't make me change my mind and when i told him its either my kids spending time with him without her because she just tried to have them taken he gone say to me and my kids goodbye he pick her so i said to hell with him he missing out on them growing up but he didn't care he made that clear and i was tired of being the nice person and at least let him try to be a dad he wasn't paying child support and he would see them every blue moon one day we had no food i called him and asked him to bring them a 1 dollar burger a piece he asked me do he look like a damn soup kitchen i said no you would look like a father smh i was working at a fast food place he came to the job bothering me being funny posting on Facebook him and his woman clowning me about where i was working but as a MOTHER a job is a job smh 2019-2020 me and my babies was homeless going house to house very unwelcome and unwanted getting talked about and trashed even slept in a car no help no support so called family talking down about us 3 among each other behind my back then they end up having a falling out and then start telling what each other said about me and my kids in front of me and my babies that shit was very hurtful all i did was cry only for my two babies to say don´t cry we went to stay with my dad my blood dad it only last two days because i woke up to him touching me sexually saying he feel like i´m hurt and unhappy  and he would do whatever it takes to make me happy again and i told him as long as i have them to amazing kids ill always be happy i felt hurt by him doing me like that it messed me up it had me thinking have he did me like this when i was a baby a little girl because why would he try me while i´m a grown ass woman a mother of 2 i covered both my kids body parts mad as hell feeling like he would try them if he just tried me and it was 4 am i texted my sister and told her hurry up and pick us up because i was gone take his life yes my dad i was gone kill him for doing that dirty mess to me my clothes was still on and stuff he was rubbing between my legs on top of my pants while the 3 of us was sleep and i woke up even then he tried to say he was trying to hug me sadly and nasty at 6 am we was gone back to been homeless smh my kids dad making 23 an hour living his best life with his woman without a care in the world about his kids well being i´m their the full time mother and father and i always enjoy it then one day my kids dad called and was trashing me i was crying my baby got on the phone and said  you not gone keep talking to my mom like that at the age of 5 i didn't tell him to say it and it shocked me and a few minutes later my grandma came in the house and said your kids dad outside my son started crying my grandma was like let him just talk to him i´m gone be right out there with him so they walks outside my kids dad made it to his car with my son before my grandma could even get off the porch next thing i know i could hear the horn blowing and my grandma being loud i ran outside he had locked my son in the car with him and was hitting my baby in the head with his hand and my son head was hitting the horn all because my baby said don´t talk to his mom like that smh so i called the law and ran outside with a knife ready for war not my son he let my crying baby out the car and took off he told my grandma that he would spit and hit her in the face like he did me so my grandma wanted us to leave she said she was to old for all that and i couldn't blame her but i was beyond hurt we had no where else to go the safe space ended up blessing us with the help of getting our own place thank GOD and i was working doing PCA Nursing everything going good and that so called mother of mines was working at the same job i had to work on Thanksgiving Christmas and all and it was suppose to be special because it was our first Christmas in our own house but we needed the money the 3 of us then one day that so called mother wanted me to work with her after i had just got done doing a 20 hr swift so she could spend time with that same husband who didn't like her kids who didn't want her to let me and my babies stay with her so we wouldn't be homeless when he lives else where but still control her and her house too the same husband she put before us when i said NO she fired me then called the boss a close friend of hers and told her i was fired and the boss went with it when the 89 year patient said i was the best worker she ever had i treated her like a queen i did her feet and all did things i didn't have to do i treated her like she was my great grandma i  did everything how she loved it and wanted it trying to make her last years her best years i cried like a baby because i loved my patient so much i needed her like she needed me she was hurt and she still hurt now about it so next thing i know our power goes off the end of January 2021 when i called SS to get help paying it they said they can only help once a year and they had made a payment for me already i was lost and shocked come to find out a family member i trusted used my info and me and my kids names to get her light bill paid smh so they wouldn't help us and by me telling them that a family member used my info and i wanted to have them do something about it that family member was upset and called SS made some hurtful reports so my kids had to stay else where since the power was off and i wasn't no longer working so they was at my so called mother house who i wasn't dealing with because i put her in her place about how she treated us coming up and stuff smh she made everything worst for me i mean very worst now February comes lights still off and now we getting evicted as well so now its more then temporary since the eviction and SS don´t want my kids to be homeless again and neither did i they my everything but its a thing called karma my so called mom did me so wrong and i´ve begged and begged so many people to help us but nothing at all no type of help and support but that so called mom of mines got evicted and got into Friday and i found out yesterday that she was evicted and that my kids were crying because they have to move with their dad its killing me to see them hurt if i can get our rent paid and lights on then us 3 can be together or find somewhere to stay we can be together but i have nobody at all just us 3 its killing me that they hurting we always been together i´ve been the mother and father giving them everything i´ve always went without making sure they have i don´t care if i only had one outfit they will forever have plenty of everything i don´t have to eat as long as they full if i could i would give them the world with everyone still on it i need my babies just like they need me i´m their better half and they my better half they give me life they make my life beyond better since day one i cant live without them nor be without them to see my babies crying not being with me and having to go somewhere they don´t want be there never have never will and he even told the social services he don´t want them that hurts but he don´t have to want them i do and always have wanted them and always will if i had the right family and support and help things would be better but i have nobody but them they have nobody but me and i have nobody but them and GOD i´m dying in the inside and GOD knows that if they not with me i don´t wanna be here people will never know the pain i´m going through their dad toke them on his taxes and all he didn't offer us the right help didn't care at all about helping PERIOD my kids are down and out without me scared crying everyday and i´m not eating nor sleeping before i let them suffer and be hurt ill battle my life away for their happiness i´m their mother and father and i got into FRIDAY before my kids go with where they don´t want to be and where he don´t want them to be i´ve email so many people begging for help with some many tears in my eyes with a broken soul about to get a new job next week but i need help now and as i begged for help i gave them my landlord number i don´t need to touch any money or anything i just need a helping hand for us somebody anybody please please ill do anything GOD knows that i cant take it all we need is help and hope i´m breaking down into pieces without my babies everybody know how much i love my babies they my best friends and all we super close just like its hurting me its hurting them and ain´t nobody trying to help us and i thought their would be more people like me when i was working i was buying food for homeless giving them money and all that´s my type of heart and my babies ill give my last to anybody let people live with us now they got their own place and didn't offer me and my babies a place to stay not even one night before they was taken temporarily smh its killing me i need help ASAP PLEASEEEEEE ain´t nobody perfect but i´m perfect for my kids just like they are beyond perfect for me please somebody help us Thank You

[dontkyeom]

summary of monsta x in sf: year 2!!

no one asked for this but it’s for the Memories!

my friend and i waited in line since 10 and met this lady who explained the whole wristband and stupid lottery thing to us

we later found out neither of those applied to us bc we were p3

also met a couple girls in front of us who also had p3 and we basically lost our positions in line bc we thought we had to go through the wristband process too bc we had p3 ga

also met a few girls behind us who were SO SWEET AND COOL AND FRIENDLY and good dancers too like wow go off sisters

and lots of mbbs were giving out free stuff! i would look at them again but it’s gonna make me sad :’)

anyway the whole line thing was such a process but eventually we get inside!! and got a pretty decent spot where i could still kinda see (i’m 5′2) and my friend could escape if she needed air (she’s claustrophobic)

started with jealousy, be quiet, and beautiful!! so hype!! 

our fanchants - strong!!

their stage presence - everything!!

the tech effects - AMAZING

they introduced themselves after those first few songs (their english!!! so good!!!!!) and they were like we saw u guys waiting outside weren’t u cold?? like sis,,, yes i was but it’s WORTH IT

and jooheon said when he first came here he said he could imagine himself living here :’((( i guess he likes our cold ass weather

they also asked who came last year and who’s here for the first time and hyungwon raised his hand bc he was in the hospital last year and OOF girly almost teared up!! so glad he was able to make it this year :’)

then they went into gravity (sooooooo soft) and tropical night and OOF

TROPICAL NIGHT WAS SO FUCKING HYPE

I WAS SO HYPE IVE BEEN SO EXCITED FOR THIS SONG

im getting chills rn just thinking about it

they talked again in groups after this so that the others could change

first was kihyun jooheon and im and they were talking about mbb’s groove during tropical night so they tried to match our groove and jooheon was beatboxing and kihyun got embarrassed and ran off the stage to change LMAO

im got the translator to beatbox for him i think

and then wonho shownu hyungwon and minhyuk came on and they were like,,, i think they were talking about groove?? so they danced too!! and hyungwon beatboxed but it was so cute bc he turned around facing upstage to do it i think he was shy LMAO

hyungwon also like mimicked wonho flexing in front of the mirror he’s so funny

he spoke a lot of english!! it was really cute!! (can you tell he’s my bias LMAOOO)

anyway everyone came back and then they performed crazy in love and all in and BITCH!!!! SO FUCKING HYPE!!!!

and then they played a video while they changed for their performance stages!!

kihyun wonho and minhyuk’s stage was the cutest fucking shit and i’m gonna ignore that someone dryfired an arrow bc omf my heart gave its biggest uwu during their song

and then shownu and jooheon did versace on the floor and,,, sister was NOT READY

SHOWNU WENT OFF

JOOHEON’S SINGING WAS SO BEAUTIFUL

SHOWNU’S SHIRT WAS LIKE HALF BUTTONED

AND THEY BOTH RIPPED THEIR JACKETS OFF FOR THE DANCE BREAK AND JOOHEON WAS WEARING A TANK TOP AND SISTER WAS NOT READY FOR THE GUN SHOW

best cover ever oof

and then hyungwon and im sang fake love and made it a ballad and i’ll never hear fake love the same ever again

and they also danced to how long and like,,, we all saw hyungwon’s choreography video,,, we BEEN KNEW that’s some good ass choreo but OOF I WAS STILL NOT READY

IM GETTING MORE CHILLS

after that was more talking (aka stalling time for quick changes LMAO) and sis these fits were SO GOOD SHOUTOUT TO THE STYLIST

they performed from zero (i cry I CRY, TOO FUCKING GOOD) and because of u

omf it was so funny tho bc some people forgot the part that’s like “because of,,, because of U” and sang because of u twice and jooheon was like hehe NOOO!!

and then they talked again and they were like do u wanna see the original from zero!!! bc in the performance shownu and minhyuk did the tilt chin thing and we were like OIH;DGHUSDH;SD

we got to see the og hyungwonho chin tilt!!! and then minhyuk was like wait!!! new couple!!!! and everyone was like ???? and minhyuk was like SHOWNU AND HYUNGWON

and that’s how we found out those two are roommates! hehe hyungwon was like my roommate! you go down! (bc hyungwon’s always the one getting his chin tilted, confirmed, he’s a switch)

and OOF GIRLY WAS NOT READY FOR THAT VISUAL

after that they performed white love (soft but hype?? quite the combo) and ROLLER COASTER

I WAS SO UPSET THEY TOOK THIS SONG OFF LAST YEAR AND I LOST MY SHIT WHEN I FOUND OUT IT WAS ONT HE SETLIST THIS YEAR

SIS I WAS SO HYPE

THIS WAS THE FIRST MX SONG I LOVED AFTER LISTENING FOR THE FIRST TIME

AND THE CROWD? SOOOOOOOOO HYPE (take a shot every time i say the word hype)

AND MINHYUK AND IM MADE LIKE THIS TUNNEL FOR THE MEMBERS TO RUN THROUGH DURING THE BRIDGE AND THEY TRAPPED SHOWNU AND IT WAS SO FUCKING CUTE

chills pt 3

i can’t remember when the next video played but the next songs were lost in the dream (my friend’s fave song!!), destroyer, shine forever, rush, special, and trespass rock version

LIT AFTER LIT AFTER LIT AFTER LIT AFTER LIT AFTER LIT

i’ll never get over the rap breakdown in shine forever tho wow my FAVE

also fanchants went OFF for these songs!! i hope we made them proud :’(

before dramarama they were like this is our last song!! (we knew they were lying tbh) and were like LET’S MAKE SOME DRAMA

SIS THIS SONG IS AMAZING LIVE

chills pt 4

and then they went offstage to change and we basically chanted monsta x for 2 min straight and screamed when we saw the curtain shake

a lot of my friends were like MY HEARING

they performed fallin which was AMAZING

THE MEME DANCES THO HAHAHAHAH

their last song was if only and I’LL NEVER RECOVER FROM HEARING THAT PITCH CHANGE LIVE

THAT SHIT CHANGED MY LIFE WHEN I FIRST HEARD IT AND IT’S SO MAGICAL LIVE

and then they did their bows for each part of the stage and SIS WONHO RIPPED HIS SHIRT OFF AND CHUCKED IT TO THE SECOND FLOOR

A SWOLE GOD

AND MINHYUK CENSORED HIS NIPS HAHAHAHA

AND HYUNGWON THREW HIS TOWEL

at some point in the night im said hella and everyone was just like :o he did NOT

he also said sf mbb know how to act (smh that’s right we do this is a PSA to all the creepy disrespectful mbb who follow them and don’t give them space during their free time and also to those fake ass hoes at the wild 949 event who tried to make them touch their boobs - LET THEM LIVE, SHOW SOME RESPECT, DON’T BE GROSS. that is all)

but yeah,,, just like that,,, the best night of my life was over

thank you to all the lovely mbb i met!

thank you to monsta x for the amazing show!

thank you to the techies for running that show! i could never forget about y’all!

i am currently sore as heck but it was all worth it! here’s to hoping for a show next year!

[notokj]

my coming out story (i guess)

Warning - This is probably going to be long and boring, but it’s my truth. And I guess I should start off with a disclaimer.

I am not a lesbian. I am bisexual.

My name is KJ, I’m currently 18 years old and I live a relatively happy lifestyle. From a very young age, I’d been attracted to boys. Specifically (but not exclusively) Robert Downey Jr., Nick Jonas, Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth, Brenden Urie, and various others. I always thought girls were pretty, but I never let myself think anything further. In the early 2000s, sure, being ‘out’ was slowly becoming normal, but I was a kid and nobody my age was talking about it... so why should I? I had a mom and dad, and so did my friends, I didn’t even consider two moms or two dads or anything in between. I was completely in the dark. But for hours, I would obsess over Miley Cyrus (or Hannah Montana) not just as a TV celebrity, but as somebody I found attractive. I never felt scared to admit this out loud, simply because I believed that I was just being stupid or irrational. I let myself continue to fit in the way I did.

One of the earliest memories I remember about me trying to shut down my feelings was about in the third grade. There was an exchange student from the middle east who was just learning English, and for whatever reason they chose me to help her understand that seasons. You know, fall, winter, spring, summer, it was fine. We were having fun like most little kids do, even with the language barrier. She was having issues understanding what the different words meant, and I was having issues explaining it to her because I couldn’t communicate in a way that she would understand. Giving up on the seasons, she took notice to my disney princess lunchbox. I told her my favorite princess was Ariel, and I’m not sure if I misspoke or she misunderstood but she stated that she “wanted to kiss a princess”. Now, I cannot confirm if that was her true feeling at the time or if she was unable to translate correctly what she said, but I was shocked to hear her say it. I didn’t comment on it, I didn’t make her uncomfortable, I simply moved on and pointed out all of the princesses on my bag. After school that day, I was hanging out with a family friend that was a couple years older than me. Being confused and trusting this friend, I told them what the exchange student said. My friend proceeded to tell me that I was lying, that a girl would never say that, and I laughed it off and agreed with her and told her the girl was probably just crazy. I quickly regretted my words, but kept all my opinions to myself. I didn’t want to seem weird or out of it.

Fast forward to the seventh grade, I had just transferred to a new middle school and was enjoying my time meeting new friends. At this time, it was super cool to girls if a guy was gay, but lesbians were unheard of. In my friend group, there was this one girl, let’s call her Brooke. Brooke was broken up with her asshole ex-boyfriend when we met, and shortly after she admitted to me that she had feelings for another girl. Of course, knowing somebody who had positive thoughts about girls liking girls, I fully supported her. I even helped her to portray her feelings. During this time, I hadn’t outed myself, but I was able to confirm that I did like girls... all because Brooke did it first. Somebody I trusted was brave enough, even though nearly half of her family was homophobic, she was able to say out loud that she liked somebody of the same sex. I respected her for that. We became best friends through that experience. It was special to me, and in eight grade I admitted to my entire group of friends that I liked girls and boys, They all supported me but I hadn’t yet been out to my family.

Two weeks before high school, Brooke had a birthday party. I went, of course, and at a point in the night, a kissing game was played... and, well, I lost my first kiss to Brooke. Do I regret it? No. Was it kinda cringy and gross? Yes, as most fourteen year old kisses were. I immediately knew everything I was feeling was real, and all I wanted to do was give Brooke a chance. I had known for a while that Brooke had feelings for me, and I was starting to have feelings for her. During her party, she claimed that on the first day of high school, she would get down on one knee and ask me out in front of everyone. That was said as a joke, but slick little KJ took advantage of it. Right before I left the party, I whispered into her ear “Why wait until school starts, when I’m saying yes right now?”, THEN I RAN OUT! I ran out like a little pussy but it’s okay! She texted me later that night and asked if I was kidding. I said no. Feelings from both sides were admitted and we confirmed that we were now girlfriend and girlfriend.

Three months later, me and Brooke are still together. Since we started High School as a couple, it was really easy to transition into the culture of our school. We didn’t have to come out to our classmates, because everyone had already assumed we were out. It was okay! Sure, there were “Fag”s and “Dyke”s thrown around, constant mocking and teasing, but we were strong. We didn’t let it get to us and we stuck together. I was at the point where I realized I was falling in love with this girl. I decided to tell my mom. At this point in time, my parents had recently divorced and weren’t living together anymore. I primarily lived with my mom, and I wanted to open up to her about this part of my life. So, I did. She was upset that I hid it from her for three months, but she was happy for me and also confessed that she too was/is bisexual! I’ve never felt so much comfort and security in my life.

But wait, this isn’t a cute happy coming out story that will end up on facebook.

The next hurdle was telling my dad. He’s always been a bit old school and traditional, and both my mom and I KNEW he would not be happy about it. He’d never really liked my friend group, specifically Brooke, and I just knew that being bisexual was not going to be a good thing. Also, knowing my dad, because I was dating a girl, I’d have to come out to him as a lesbian. He was the kind of old school that didn’t believe you could like both. Whatever, I just wanted to tell him. For some reason, this really stressed me out because I wanted nothing more than to be supported by my dad. I had gotten to such a low point, and mixed with high anxiety and depression, I made the mistake of cutting myself (take note it was the first and last time. I’m proudly four years clean). I’d worn a heavy red sweater the day after to hide it, and stupid me wrote my girlfriend a note about what I did because I wanted to be honest. The note got dropped somewhere, and I was reported to the office. The counselor checked my arm, and I swore it was just marks from falling into a bush. I caved, though, called my mom and told her what I did. My mom picked me up from school, and took my home. She stood out on the porch and told my dad what I did and how I did it. He was so angry, he left right away... After that, everyone acted like nothing happened. Nobody asked about me, my feelings, or Brooke. It was uncomfortably normal.

Shortly after, it was my fifteenth birthday. Being a latina, this was a big deal. I had a quinceanera! It was beautiful, Phantom of the Opera themed. I had fifteen roses, and I handed each one to an important person in my life and also gave them a speech. One of those roses went to my girlfriend, of course. But I was very courteous of my dad, and kept the speech platonic. As the night went on, my dad lingered and I had just wanted to apologize to Brooke for not spending much time with her. so I pulled her into the bathroom and we talked. She was okay so we both exited but my dad caught us as I was leaving. He screamed at me in front of everyone and made me cry, all for being with Brooke alone. He got so angry, he left and went drinking. I was miserable.

We talked after that. I told him I liked girls and boys. He told me he felt as if I was pressuring myself into some new societal norm, and that he specifically did not like Brooke. I was hurt, but I knew it would heal with time. And you know what? It did.

Three years later, Brooke left me for reasons not worth putting into a story like this. I was crushed. She was my first love, but I knew it was not meant to be. My dad and I were able to talk without her weight on my shoulders, and he had changed his mindset after years of watching me grow. He’ll never be the dad that’s going to gawk at girls with me, he wasn’t raised that way and I respect that. But he’ll never be the dad that puts me down if I do end up with a woman. I’m proud to say my dad is fully supportive of me, as long as I’m happy and safe. So many people are quick to judge him on the first half of this story, but family to recognize how far he’s come in loving me for me. I trust him with anything now. And having listened to why he didn’t like Brooke, made me realize that his previous anger was not completely directed at my newfound sexuality. He didn’t like how I was treated, not the gender of who I was with. He changed, for my happiness. And he is one of my biggest supporters now.

After Brooke, I had two other partners, both boys. I was the talk of my school. People would say that Brooke was just a phase, and that I faked being gay, and that I was just some phony. Both of those relationships didn’t last, and it was just six months ago that I decided I wouldn’t date until college because I was so put off by all the rude comments. Nobody wanted to believe that I was bisexual. They all wanted to believe that I was straight, or just a weird lesbian. It hurt, all the biphobia. 

A month ago, let’s just simplify things and say I started dating my current boyfriend, who I’mma just call 2K here (cause thats his life smh). I am in love with 2K, and I was worried that being bisexual would be a bad thing for him but,... he does not care. He’s loyal, trustworthy, and completely supportive of the fact that while yes- we are in a straight relationship, I am still bisexual. It doesn’t bother him, and I’m lucky enough to have some wonderful friends who are also very supportive! I’m at such a good place in my life right now. 2K is on great terms with my family, I trust him more than anyone, and it’s so comforting to know that the person I love isn’t telling me that Brooke was just a phase. Christ, I was with the girl for three years. That would be a long as phase!

To this day, I still experience extreme biphobia. But you know what? I’m okay. My boyfriend, family, friends, all support me and know who I am. I am not a lesbian. I am not straight. I’m proudly bisexual! And I’m starting college in a few short months. That’s not relevant, but I’m excited. I went through highs and lows to get to this solid point, and I wouldn’t change a damn thing.

So to all of my bi friends... You are HERE. Be proud and be loud. You are not confused, and nobody has the right to make you choose who or what to love!

[overly-analogical]

Can Lying Be Good Analysis

SPOILERS

• When Deceit shows up Thomas is very startled. He reacts much the way he used to react when Anxiety popped up. He does not know it’s not Morality but he is suddenly scared. I’m not sure this means anything other than Deceit doesn’t announce himself like Patton does but I think it’s worth noting.

• He also says “Papa’s in the House” which while he doesn’t realize it’s untrue, it’s untrue.

• “Guess who has ten fingers and is very confused? This guy! Heh heh I’m silly like that.” Liar liar pants on fire. He’s not confused or sill and he’s certainly not Patton.

• Roman immediately apologizes to Virgil for calling him Charlie frown, he’s doing so well.

• “Oh good, Logan, everyone’s favorite character!” GUYS MY HEART!!! He says this cause it’s a lie. This is one of his insults that’s backhanded because of who he is and Logan is honestly pleased by this and thinks it’s a genuine compliment. Ouch.

• In loo of Patton Virgil is the moral compass. He’s the one telling Thomas not to lie to Joan cause it’s wrong, Logan is indifferent, Roman wants to lie.

• also can we just? We had a Virgil went missing episode, then a Logan went missing episode, then a Morality (secretly) went missing episode. Is Roman next?

• “Well you’ll have no trouble at all explaining that to them.” Is this a lie? Does he believe it? Can he tell truths? It’s about the future so can it be considered a lie or a truth or is that a gray area.

• Virgil is displeased

•F WORD FACE guys HELP I’m dying that’s hilarious

• Logan’s wise eyes and soft Ooooh when he realizes Thomas wants to lie. He doesn’t tell Thomas it’s wrong, he knows that’s not his job, but he is surprised and doesn’t seem happy about it.

• So I looked into Kant some. The story is actually from Kant and not Plato. Kant believed that Morality is based in reason. It’s trying to do the right thing for the sake of doing the right thing, and not as a means to achieve an end that benefits you or others. Saving your friend is what most of us would view is the right thing, but according to Kant, the result of your actions don’t make them right if they would be wrong in other circumstances. Morality is based on reason and truth not lies and manipulation. Interestingly though many people believe that according to Kant’s philosophy you simply could not lie to the murderer, so if you were to say “I will not tell you that because I want to protect this person and I believe you will kill them” then that is not a lie, that is the truth. You are not manipulating their reality, or using them as a means to accomplish your ends. I think Deceit knew all of this but he left it out. I this was a lie of omission.

• I also find it very interesting that it was Kant that Thomas and Joan chose because Kant believes all Morality is based in reason, also known as Logic. I’ll make a separate post for this though cause I want to really get into that on its own.

• Deceit’s rant about Kant is in direct opposition to Patton’s short and factually incorrect statement about Plato and that speaks volumes about them as characters. Deceit usesfancy names and technicalities to manipulate the others while Patton finds the content of the story is more important to his point, and then makes jokes about eating play dough.

• Logan is impressed but also confused. I think he suspects something is off at this point.

• “Well I’m Morality I gotta know my stuff.” No you’re not and that’s not his job anyway, another lie.

• “Impressed isn’t the word I’d use.” Virgil still thinks this is Patton and he’s really disappointed in his friend.

• “The point is many people think Kant is just a bit idealistic.” By this he means many people think Kant was an amoral piece of shit with no regard for the consequences of his actions. Do understatements count as lies?

• “Patton I thought you said Lying was wrong” “well it’s all about your priorities friendo. What’s more important to us, Joan’s feelings or honesty?” I once saw a post on here that said if somebody ever tells you you only have two choices, it’s a lie. It’s a lie and they want you to forget about the other choices. If somebody tells you you can have an apple or an orange they want you to forget you can have and apple or an orange, or both, or neither, or a banana. There’s never just two choices and deceit isn’t just deceit is manipulation.

• when Logan says “see I know things too.” He feels threatened when people know more than him.

• “I can’t lie to Joan.” “Detailed instructions of how to lie to Joan.” Me though.

• Roman breaking the fourth wall about the shapeshifting thing.

“Maybe if you’re considering lying to Joan you deserve to be punished.” Virgil is like. Harsh. He’s really protective of Thomas’s friends. Even from Thomas.

• “Strategy” for lying to Joan. I don’t think Logan can really like this but he’s respecting Thomas’ decisions anyway because hours not his job to ask question moral decisions.

• “DWI” “Driving While Intoxicated” guys I’m crying this is so funny I can’t

• Logan says no so soft and he looks at the back of the card before he tells Roman the real definition because he’s unsure and he’s scared of being wrong.

• “Aww Pwease! Right? You know how I love cartoons?” This an attempt to appear more like morality and assign a reason to take the job Roman really wants which real Patton wouldnt do.

• “you were a mistake” Roman wtf.

• “Doctor Who reference? Fantastic.” Clever and borders on word association. Nice.

• “Roman, that was a beautiful portrayal of a mother betrayed by her son.” It was terrible and Roman just let’s this snake man fool him. Smh.

• “Logan does Thomas have that information?” “No he doesn’t.” My serious son takes this serious question seriously.

• A homeless lady ate it.

• Let👋 Virgil👋 say👋fuck👋!!!!!! Kidding don’t ever.

• I will always find Logan teaching things extremely comforting. Logan is comforting. This is going to be a video I watch when I have a bad day because it has Logan teaching us things.

• “We should makes point to actually feed the homeless later” “totally” wow. He doesn’t agree at all. He doesn’t think they should try to feed the homeless he thinks they should just lie about feeding the homeless.

• Virgil: “what if mom found out”

Logan: “According to Romans portrayal probably some kind of betrayal driven disownment.”

Virgil: “WHAT?!?!?!?!?!”

This is funny because Logan I think is attempting to make a negative remark about Roman’s portrayal of Thomas’ mom but Virgil takes it very seriously and considers it as a real possibility because Logan said it and now he’s afraid.

• “Action! That’s not just for movies!” Maybe he can’t stop talking until he’s told a lie.

• Virgil’s booing.

• Virgil saying nice to the idea of working at hot topic

• “Drama Terg” Deceit does not once refer to any one of them as kiddo.

• Roman feels off after the Lying to get out of work scene and he looks to Patton hoping that, as morality, Patton will put a stop to all this, or reassure him. Deceit isn’t Patton so he doesn’t.

• Virgil is appalled Patton isn’t upset by this.

• Patton is pleased during the case scene.

• Roman announces he’s feeling icky. He’s bad at describing emotions and understanding them too I think. We get descriptions like “icky” or “Bittery Jittery and not very Glittery” when he’s upset.

• “Everyone knows where babies come from. Messenger Falcons.” An attempt at behaving like Patton or a lie for the sake of lying? It’s poorly executed if it’s a Patton imitation. Patton doesn’t believe he knows and he thinks “Storks are involved”, storks are not messenger falcons. No one in the history of the world has ever suggested messenger falcons deliver babies that’s preposterous.

• “And stopping again, Thomas I didn’t believe any of that.” A truth? Or was there a very small part he did believe.

• Roman gets really upset and puts this energy into freaking out over a soppy cup prop.

• Virgil is so ready to be done he completely misinterprets Roman.

• These nerds and their love of the classical arts poetry geeks logince someone write an au dammit.

• “Thomas, you don’t want to make Joan mad at you do you?” Manipulative bastard.

• “Could you stand to lose the support of one of Thomas’ friends?” Playing on Virgil’s insecurity that Thomas’ friends will leave them.

• can we just. Virgil. We’ve talked about Patton probably being scary when angry but not Virgil. We haven’t actually seen Virgil Angry up until now. Mildly annoyed? Concerned? Disappointed? Afraid? Yes. But not genuine anger. Here we see a glimpse and he’s holding back because it’s Patton. Never be on the wrong end of an angry Virgil he’ll kill you with one look.

• “Virgil? it’s me. Aren’t we friends?” “I’m not so sure we are.” I’m pretty sure he still thinks this is Patton. Which means this is a really powerful moment for Virgil. Patton was the first person to really value him in the mind palace and treat him as a friend and an equal. He considers Patton his best friend. This is Virgil, standing his ground even if it means giving up almost all the progress he’s made with the others to do the right thing. It takes great courage to stand up to ones enemies. And a great deal more to stand up to ones friends.

• Deceit realized no part of Thomas is going to budge and he gets desperate.

• “I know what I said, it doesn’t matter, in this situation it’s the right thing to do, period.” His voice starts to chance here it’s nasally.

• he practically shreiks “Yes”

• he drops the act and you can see it visibly the moment he gave up Thomas is such a good actor.

• “wow I’m so proud of you Thomas you’re so mature.” He doesn’t care if Thomas notices somethings off now.

• “I knew something was off” he knew something was off but not what was off. He really didn’t know that wasn’t Patton.

• Logan thinks it’s obvious he figured it out a while ago but didn’t say anything. Probably because he knew he couldn’t. Though he does try to say it here. I really wonder what point he figured it out.

• my sweet oblivious prince.

• “oooh I don’t know either Thomas you might not like what you find.” So Deceit lies to Thomas about himself to keep Thomas happy right? But here he doesn’t care about concealing himself and seems to be goading Thomas so he’ll ask. So he’s lashing out at Thomas because he’s angry Thomas didn’t go with his plan.

• Logan says Deceit much the same way he says Falsehood.

• “Did you just finish washing some dishes?” “Yesss” Deceit seems to take a lot of joy in this specific lie which I find very very funny.

• “Oh, you are, Thomas. You are a good person. Everybody says so.” Daaaaaaamn.

• The exchange between Logan and Deceit. I got chills.

• I am and always have been Patton muahahaha

• the other three are so done with his bs but Thomas is genuinely terrified

• okay but it would be an interesting idea if Deceit has been Morality the whole time. Awful and angsty, but interesting.

• “ow that Hurt, I mean that didn’t hurt me at all ow” he can tell truths, but does he have to tell lies?

• we’ll see him again and I’m looking forward to it. Every story needs a good old fashioned villain.

• Virgil is so happy to hear Patton’s dad jokes again he doesn’t hide his smiles.

• The eating play dough thing has me cracking up but especially the part where Logan was confused and he thought Patton meant he was eating the ancient and very dead philosopher Plato.

• Roman is adorable and he’s a knight and a hero I love him.

End of Analysis thanks for reading.

[chaos-weekly]

extra, extra, read all about it!

Nollie had taken London back to her apartment after she’d picked him up. He was absolutely trashed. She didn’t mind, but she didn’t really enjoy seeing him like that. Drunk men terrified her, and even though she knew London would never hurt her, it didn’t bring around good feelings. But she would take care of him anyway. 

She sat outside the bathroom door while he showered, just in case he fell. She made him drink a full glass of water before bed and had woken up and stayed awake while he went to the bathroom at four in the morning. And when she’d gotten up at six, way before he did, she left a glass of water and a Tylenol on the nightstand for him. He was going to have a nasty hangover. 

Sure, all of these things were thoughtful and loving, but Nollie knew her intentions behind her actions were selfish. One, she needed to prove to him that she was worth sticking around for even after she allowed him to have sex with her, and two, she felt responsible for his wellbeing. The last time she’d left someone to fend for themselves, her brother had died in a house fire. People she cared about got hurt on her watch too often. Nollie wouldn’t let that happen with London.

Bishop had sent her a text around six thirty that said, “URGENT, YOU NEED A NEWSPAPER!!” She’d asked him to bring one over, and he had. While London remained passed out in her bedroom, she shared a pot of coffee and analyzed the tabloids with his best friend. She and London were on the front page, hugging. She knew who has taken the most recent photo, and judging by the fact it was a Snapchat with the caption, “Smh bro, he’s whipped *laughing emoji*,” Nollie doubted Mark, the man in the chair, meant for it to get out. Likely, one of the people he’d sent it to had screenshotted it and sold it to the paparazzi. Nollie wasn’t mad and her manager wasn’t mad (she’d checked, and thank God, Frankie seemed to be basking in the fact that her darling Nollie was with the bad boy of LA), it was only London that she and Bishop knew would be reeling. 

“I can stay until he gets up,” Bishop offered. “Help you break the news to him.”

“No, I can handle it,” she replied, shrugging. “People were going to find out eventually, he’s just going to be pissed at Mark. Which I can deal with.”

Bishop sipped his coffee, nodding and leaning back into the chair. He was still planning on staying, and Nollie didn’t mind. She enjoyed his company, and besides, London wouldn’t be up for a few hours based on how gone he was last night.

“So, why haven’t you had sex yet?” he asked. 

Nollie would have been offended if anyone else asked, but this was Bishop, the man who had single handedly helped her breakup with his other best friend. He was a good friend. So she shrugged and leaned back into the couch.

“It’s not that I don’t want to. I do. I don’t know what London told you about me visiting him yesterday, but….” Nollie trailed off, her cheeks coloring. She could still feel his hands on her, his lips by her ear, the breath sucked out of her as he’d laid her down on his desk. Bishop laughed lightly.

“Clearly not enough, but I don’t need details. The blush is enough. You really want him. So why haven’t you?”

“It just hasn’t felt right? The timing is off? I don’t want to f-k in public the first time?”

“Yeah, that’s not true and we both know it. Except for that last one.” Bishop set his mug down and leaned in, hands clasped in his lap. “So what is it, Nollie?”

“Intimacy issues,” she admitted softly. “I’m scared of how much I want it.”

Bishop nodded like an all-knowing god. He kind of was, though. He was wise and calm, just like how she imagined Buddha or a spirit guide to be. 

“You know it’s natural to want sex. I know it’s been ingrained in your head to not want it, but you’re supposed to. It’s part of life, part of love. It’s part of having a romantic relationship with someone. And London’s falling in love with you, Nollie. He really is, he just doesn’t know that yet and he sure won’t tell you when he does know. But he is. He would have left a girl who wasn’t giving him sex a long time ago if that’s what he really wanted. He’s spent a month and a half with you and he hasn’t seen another girl since he laid eyes on you. He is all yours, Magnolia. Really and truly all yours.”

Nollie swallowed, hit with the reality of her situation. She was absolutely falling for him and London was falling for her, too, probably harder and faster than she was for him. He would do anything she asked of him, even wait for sex, and she felt safe and comfortable around him. So what was she waiting for?

Wanting was not a bad thing.

“Okay,” she said. “Okay, then I’m going to let him know I’m ready.” Her stomach had butterflies, and not the pure kind. 

Bishop grinned.

“Keep me posted,” he said, standing up. “And look, you both better be at my exhibit Friday night. And I swear Magnolia, if you haven’t f-ked my best friend by then I’ll tell him everything we just talked about myself.”

Bishop left at eight thirty and Nollie started making cinnamon rolls. She remembered making them with her grandmother when she was little and had carried on the tradition when she moved to LA. Hopefully they would both soften the blow of their relationship going public and sweeten the pot of her willingness to get more physical.

London rolled out of bed around ten, and walked into the living room yawning and stretching. He was wearing the pair of pajama pants he kept at her apartment in the door she’d cleared for him. She had one at his place, but with her new agreement, maybe she needed to keep some nicer undergarments there….

“Good morning,” he said, his morning voice husky and very sexy. His arms wrapped around her waist and he kissed her cheek. Nollie smiled and untangled herself from his arms, continuing to ice the warm cinnamon rolls. She scooped one onto a plate for him and set it at the bar. 

“Eat,” she said, setting a glass of water in front of his spot on a barstool. “I have news.”

“This is sounding promising,” London said sarcastically, sitting down and taking a bite. “But these are amazing. You’re amazing. I don’t think I’ve told you that today.” Nollie rolled her eyes, but there was a smile tugging at the corner of her lips.

“Well, this isn’t as amazing. Let me preface this by saying I’m not mad or upset or whatever.” London’s face looked like she’d found out his deepest secret, but she brushed it off. He was tired and hungover. Nollie set the tabloids in front of him.

“It was going to happen eventually,” she said quickly, right before London started swearing like his life depended on it.

“I’m going to kill Mark,” he growled, crumpling up the paper. “He’s not getting business from me again. He can absolutely kiss my--”

“London! It’s fine! It’s really fine. Did you think we could keep this a secret forever?”

“No, but it could have definitely come out way later. And it didn’t have to come from one of my clients!”

“He didn’t know what he was doing,” Nollie defended. She’d hardly interacted with Mark, but if he was as loyal of a customer as London had said he was, she doubted he’d do anything to intentionally screw him over. 

“Not everyone can navigate paparazzi and publicity like we can, London.”

“If he’d just thought for five seconds longer--”

“So what? People know. I’m not upset about that, but it kind of feels like you are.” She leaned back on the counter, arms crossed over her chest. 

London was silent, his fuming settling into resignation. 

“I want the world to know about us, Nollie. You’re the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time. I’m not upset that this is public. That we’re public. I’m upset that someone I trust put me in a difficult situation.”

Bishop was right, he was smitten. This was the first time he’d been so serious in admitting his feelings about her, directly to her at least. It made her smile.

“And I’m sure Mark feels awful,” she said quietly, crossing the kitchen to put her elbows on the bar in front of where he sat. Her chin rested in her hands, and she looked at him with soft, warm eyes. 

“I’m still going to give him a hard time,” he replied just as softly, leaning in and kissing her. “I’m going to stick up for you. You’re my girl.”

“Am I?” she whispered against his lips, pulling away just enough to look into his eyes. She could see hesitation, a lot of it from what she was sure was the leftover trauma of Kendall’s relationship. But it was gone in a flash, and he kissed her again.

“Officially, if you’d like. I’ve wanted you to be my girlfriend for weeks, Nollie.”

“I’d love that.” She pecked his nose, pulling away and moving back to sit on the counter opposite him. “Now, I have something to tell you.”

“Another thing?” he groaned, running his hands through his hair. “This is a rollercoaster of a morning, Magnolia.”

“I’ll save it for later, if you’d like,” Nollie teased. “But I think you’re going to regret not hearing this now.”

He leaned back in his seat, folding his arms over his chest. 

“Alright, I’ll bite. What’s so good that you need to tell me right now, exactly twenty minutes before I need to leave for work?”

Shoot. Nollie forgot about the time. But it was too late, she’d already started and demanded that he listen then and there. Now she had to finish. She swallowed, cheeks already growing pink.

“I’m ready,” she said more confidently than she felt. 

It took London a minute to process, but when he did, a smirk slowly spread across his face. He opened his mouth to say something, but she held up a finger to cut him off.

“No, stop, I’m not done. I have a lot of feelings about sex that I need to get out right now or else I never will and I need to not bottle these things up anymore.” Nollie took a deep breath, and London settled back in his seat, still smirking. He gestured for her to go on.

“To be one hundred percent honest, I haven’t had sex in five months. I definitely have a lot of pent up sexual energy that I need to release, and I’ve been able to do so a little bit the past few weeks with you. But I need to apologize because it hasn’t been fair to you to keep turning you on and then shutting you down, even when I’ve wanted to take the next step. It’s just been embarrassing how much I felt like I actually needed to have sex with you instead of the more simple want.” Wow, that was terrifying, and Nollie’s racing heart and red cheeks gave away her fear. London was staring intently at her. But she wasn’t done. 

“I’ve wanted and needed you for a while now, London. I don’t like admitting that because I don’t want to depend on sex to sustain my relationship, but it’s true. I genuinely can’t imagine not being that close to you anymore, and I am going to need you to f-king rail me.” That last bit slipped out of her mouth before she could stop and reevaluate that, but there it was. She wanted to be railed by her now-boyfriend, London Lovell. 

Maybe one say she’d laugh at this situation, but as London made his way towards her, she only wanted this to be a bad dream. His hands slid up her legs and rested on her hips, and she swallowed, meeting his intense gaze.

“I wish you’d told me this when we had more time,” London began, “because now I’m going to be thinking about you all day.” 

And he kissed her. She tasted the cinnamon roll on his lips, smelled her shampoo in his hair, and felt his muscles tighten under her fingers. She’d kissed him plenty of times, but this was the one that took her breath away.

“London,” she sighed softly as he pulled back, and he chuckled, the tension only growing between them.

“I need to go get ready before I cancel all of my appointments,” he muttered, walking backwards out of the kitchen, his eyes never leaving her. Normally Nollie wouldn’t let him miss work for her, but this time she was tempted to let him. She just kept her mouth shut, making herself busy cleaning while he got ready. 

A few minutes later, London had come out of her room ready to go. She met him by the door, and he kissed her cheek. 

“I’ll see you tonight,” he said lowly, and Nollie blushed again. 

“Wait one minute,” she said, running back into the kitchen and grabbing something from a drawer. Returning, she pressed their extra apartment key into his hand.

“Let yourself in.”

[sufferthesea]

Ooh if you've got time could you do Kiba, Shino, and Iruka for when they first realize they love their s/o? I love reading your HCs❤ thanks for all you do!

Ahh!! Thank you so much!! You’re so sweet! Thank YOU for being so faithful and requesting stuff 💗 It’s been a lot of fun!! Hope you don’t mind me tagging @pyroinquisitor because she’s a Shino Hoe. A Shinhoe? idk she just really loves Shino. (Sorry this took so long!) 

Am I just a huge dork?? I was doing yard work earlier this week and I was thinking about how Iruka would confess his love to somebody…then I went inside and saw I had this message. 

Under the cut because I don’t know how the heckle deckle to keep things SHORT. These headcanons turned into mini scenarios, smh. 

FIRST REALIZING THEY LOVE THEIR S/O

Kiba

Kiba seems like the type to jump headfirst into a relationship. He doesn’t want to tiptoe around the whole, “I think I like you? Do you like me? What are we?” kind of thing. If he likes you, he’ll probably say it pretty quickly after he realizes it. But liking someone and loving someone are two different things, and Kiba learns that later on.  

Kiba’s dad is out of the picture, and he says his mom is the one who scared him off (honestly? I can see it; that woman can be terrifying) but Kiba understands deep bonds, loving relationships, and loyalty because of his clan’s practice of raising and using ninken. They aren’t just dogs to them, they’re family. So he probably thinks that when he feels the same way about his s/o as he feels about Akamaru, then that’s when he knows he’s in love. Buuuut he’s surprised when it’s different. 

Kiba and his s/o are out and about doing their own thing - probably taking Akamaru for a walk, snacking on food, taking in the sights of the village. They come across a group of young teens hanging out by the river and they’re making a commotion. Kiba thinks they’re being obnoxious, but his s/o notices something is wrong. They head over to the teens and see that there’s a small animal clinging to the bank down below - probably something like a squirrel or another small mammal - and it’s obviously struggling to stay out of the fast current. The teens are trying to figure out what to do (can they do anything?) when Kiba’s s/o leaps over the guardrail to get to the bank and scoops up the animal, cradling it in their clothes to keep it warm. They make it back up to the road and, without even stopping to tell Kiba, head to the nearest vet clinic to get it checked out. 

Kiba follows them with Akamaru and he catches up just in time to find his s/o handing over the tiny creature to the vet who takes it into a room to look it over. His s/o also says they’ll pay any medical bills to take care of the poor thing, and wants to wait at the clinic until they know the animal is okay. Kiba is floored. He waits in the clinic with them, but he’s wondering the entire time why they did that. Finally, it bugs him enough that he turns to them and asks, “Why did you save that creature? I mean, you risked yourself falling into that river just to save it - and it’ll probably just go back out there and get stuck again, or get eaten by something bigger. It was nice but - I just don’t understand.” Because even though Kiba understands the value of life, he’s always just been a “dog person” and hasn’t really considered other animals. 

His s/o calmly turns to him and says, “No life is too small or insignificant to save, Kiba. Even if that animal goes back out tomorrow and falls back in the river, or gets eaten by something bigger, or anything else like that - I was able to help it today, right now. I was able to save its life. It may not make a difference to you or to the vet or to those kids out there who found it; but it made a difference to that animal. That’s all that matters.” 

Kiba is taken aback by his s/o’s statement, and he suddenly realizes that he doesn’t just like them - he loves them. Not because of their looks or because they get along with Akamaru and his family. But because of their spirit and their gentleness, and because they can see the value and important in even the smallest of animals - animals that Kiba wouldn’t even give a second look to. Suddenly Kiba realizes that he wants his s/o to be the person he creates a family with - whether it’s made up entirely of dogs, squirrels, insects, or even cats. That’s when Kiba realizes he’s in love. 

Shino

Shino isn’t too concerned with finding an s/o or falling in love. He isn’t opposed to it happening, but that’s not his main goal in life. He also isn’t going to just fall for the first person who doesn’t freak out that his entire body is filled with insects. So whoever Shino ends up dating is pretty special. I can imagine them either being the person the other shinobi think is kind of strange and is a bit of an outcast, or somebody that everyone else goes, “THEY’RE DATING SHINO?!” 

Shino would be the type to realize he was in love with his s/o but not tell them outright. He believes that you should tell people you love that you love them, but he doesn’t think it needs to be said immediately or all the time. He may be taken a bit by surprise when he realizes he loves his s/o, and he probably puts off telling them right away so he can be absolutely sure. Most of everything he does is slow and methodical - thought out and precise. He doesn’t make a grand show of things and doesn’t waste energy doing unnecessary things. He’s not lazy like Shikamaru, he’s just more careful of how he expends his energy (social and physical) and is rather picky about who or what he uses that energy on. Because of this, he would wait until probably a few months until after he realized he loved his s/o to finally tell them. 

To be really honest, Shino’s first and foremost love is his insects. He takes care of them, talks to them, studies and collects them, and mourns when any one of them get killed. This may seem strange to many others, but to the Aburame Clan, insects are just as much family members as the ninken are to the Inuzuka Clan. 

How he figures out he loves his s/o is probably some time after they started dating. (He’s known them for a while now, and he’s decided they’re worth the time and energy to be in a relationship.) Their dates consist mostly of collecting, studying, and categorizing insects inside Konoha Forest. It’s often very quiet without much conversation; they just enjoy each other’s company as they capture bugs and take notes on them. 

The first words to come out of his s/o’s mouth all day is probably frantic noises as they try to identify the insect they’ve just caught in one of the catalogs they have on hand. When they can’t find it in any of the books and can’t immediately recognize it, they take it (in a plastic container) over to Shino and excitedly exclaim, “I think I’ve just found a new insect! It’s not in any of my books!” At first Shino is a little bit skeptic (a new insect? That easy? In this forest? Sure, okay) so he sits down with the bug to study it, but he can’t identify it from looks alone. He decides to scour through the catalogs and encyclopedias as well, but even he can’t identify it. He’s starting to get a little excited about it, but doesn’t want to get his hopes up. 

“We’ll take it into the village and see if someone else can identify it. Maybe my dad’s seen it,” Shino says, trying to sound calm and collected. They take the insect back to the village but no one else is able to tell him what it is, and it’s decided that it must be a previously unknown insect. Shino hands the container back to his s/o and tells them, “You should name it, you found it.” His s/o’s immediate response is, “I’m going to name it after you!” Confused, Shino says, “Typically, in situations like this, the discoverer names it after themselves. You should really do that. You’re the one who found it.” His s/o shakes their head and says, “Nope! I wouldn’t have found it if it weren’t for you taking me out there. It’s only because of you! So it has to be named after you.” 

That’s when Shino realizes he’s in love with his s/o. Not because they put up with his hobbies; not because they named their discovery after him; but because of their passion and genuine love of insects and their love of being with Shino. They aren’t just pretending to like bugs to get close to him, and they aren’t trying to purposefully be excluded by the other shinobis by being “weird”. They truly care about these tiny little creatures that most people crush underfoot with no remorse, and they are authentic in their interactions with him. Being true to yourself and being true to other people is really important to Shino, and this situation revealed his s/o’s true self, as far as he’s concerned. (But, again, he doesn’t tell them right away.)

If he’s still not 100% sure, he is totally convinced he’s in love when his s/o accidentally kills an insect (probably a larger or more rare one, but even a tiny common bug) and is so distraught about it, they mourn for it, hold a tiny little funeral for it, and refuse to see Shino for like a week afterward because of the guilt. Seeing them so upset about something he’s also passionate about cements the idea in his mind that he loves his s/o. (The next time he sees them, he would comfort them and tell them it was alright. That’s probably when he’d tell them he loved them.) 

Iruka

IRUKA IS SO SWEET OH MY GOSH. He also isn’t the type to get into a relationship “just because”. (Although he would absolutely love to be married and start a family of his own!!)He is very busy and his work is his life; he is so dedicated to teaching and to helping his students, so having the distraction of an s/o would only be worth it, in his opinion, if it was someone he could see a future with. He’s also very loving and has such a soft, gentle heart that he is very cautious of who he gives it to so it won’t be broken. Plus he’s also fairly shy when it comes to his crush, so by the time he’s confident and comfortable enough to ask them out on a date - let alone ask them if they want to be in a relationship - it’s probably been a few months and he has a good idea of how he feels about them (even if he doesn’t know them super personally yet).

Iruka’s entire life purpose is probably divided into 2 important things - taking care of his students to make sure they grow up to be the best shinobi the village has to offer, and taking care of Naruto. This may seem like it’s the same, but it’s not - Iruka is basically a father to Naruto, so his relationship with him is far different from his relationships with the other students. This means that it’s so, so, SO important for Iruka’s s/o to not only care about the students, but to care about Naruto as much as he does. 

By now, Iruka knows that he cares very deeply about his s/o and he may even think he’s in love, but one event is when he first truly realizes he’s in love with his s/o. There are lots of little things his s/o does that he appreciates: coming in to help him teach, staying late to help him grade papers, assisting with the outdoor history lessons, even substituting, and offering an ear to the students who need more assistance. But all of those things doesn’t quite equal “love” to him. (And it’s not that he expects his s/o to do this stuff, but he does kind of expect them to be willing to at least listen to him talk about his classes, so having them actually help out is super cool and a major plus for him.) 

So one day, Iruka has his s/o in to help teach a class and they’re practicing jutsus and all the students are expected to perform them perfectly (since they’ve been learning them for weeks). All the students but one line up and Iruka is kind of annoyed. (If you can’t tell, Iruka really hates it when kids disrespect authority figures and he can have a pretty short temper when it comes to kids acting up.) He asks the student to come to the front and the boy refuses, or even outright ignores him. Iruka is piiiissssed. 

“Fine,” he says. “You get to go first! Stand up and perform the jutsu where you’re at if you won’t come to the front.” Iruka thinks this is pretty smart on his part, because - ha! You thought you’d get away with that? Nice try. You still have to do the jutsu! But this kid isn’t having it. Either the boy continues to refuse or pulls a Naruto and does some outrageous jutsu that has the entire class laughing and Iruka even angrier than before. He’s absolutely ready to tear into this kid for their lack of respect but his s/o stops him. 

“You take care of the rest of the class,” they say, “I’ll talk to the boy.” They gently and kindly lead the boy out of the classroom into the hallway, where they talk to him. They don’t return until every one of the other students has finished the jutsu and sat back down. Iruka’s s/o walks the boy back into the class and waits with him by Iruka’s desk. “Do you have something to say?” his s/o asks kindly and the boy nods and sheepishly gives a deep bow to Iruka. “Sorry,” the boy says, “for disrespecting you. If you would let me, I would like to try the jutsu now.” Iruka is genuinely surprised, but he allows the boy to perform the jutsu (and he does it pretty well) and then sends him off to his seat. 

After class, Iruka waits until everyone’s gone when he confronts his s/o. “Why did you talk to him?” His s/o says, “You have to remember where these kids are coming from, Iruka. You of all people should know that sometimes the troublemakers have the hardest time. Besides, he reminded me of you … and Naruto. Of course I know talking won’t fix everything but I wanted to talk to him first and see if it, you know, helped.” Iruka is fairly embarrassed but he knows his s/o is right - he can be too quick to anger when dealing with unruly students. He asks them, “What did you say to him?” They kind of shrug and say, “I tried to think of something you’d say to Naruto. I mean, outside of the classroom. I think it helped some … although, I may have caused a slight inconvenience for our date tonight!” Iruka asks what they mean and they cheerily respond, “That boy is going to be joining us at Ichiraku tonight! So we’d better get there early enough to save 4 seats - I also invited Naruto this morning on my way here.”

In that moment, Iruka’s heart feels like it’s going to burst. He’s always known he’s cared about his s/o but right now oh my gosh, is this what love is like? Is this actually love itself?! He’s rarely met such a gentle soul, especially in a shinobi. But it’s more than that. His s/o has pointed out one of Iruka’s flaws and reminded him that, Hey, you were in the same place as this kid and you shouldn’t treat them the way you were treated. You know what you needed then, and you can give it to this kid now. Just the fact that his s/o was willing to talk to this student and understand them, and recognizes the struggles that he himself and Naruto went through (as well as acknowledges the importance of having someone to talk to and be there for you) is so amazing to him. He is definitely sure now that he loves his s/o and is so thankful he has them.

[yayyitsdre]

Why?!

Do you ever get mad at yourself for getting upset over minor things? I know I do, all the time.

I also make it a point to figure out why this particular “minor” thing even bothers me. Like, is it really a minor thing? Or does it stem from something deeper?

Here’s an example...I decided to get more involved on social media after taking a three year break. I felt like an elderly person trying to navigate the depths of the internet. So much had changed and it took me a while to learn how to even upload a picture (smh).

Little bit of a back story. During my this time even though I was not on social media much, my significant other was. It never bothered me because not having social media was a personal choice I had made before I even got involved with this person.

So one day as I was scrolling through Instagram trying to figure out the shits... I noticed that the app will tell you the last time anyone in your DM’s was “active”. Well, I noticed my boyfriend had been “active” 5 minutes ago, but interestingly enough...I had texted him two hours ago. For some odd reason I instantly felt myself get angry. Mind you, this is something that I literally stumbled upon. I wasn’t snooping or looking for anything I was literally just messing around trying to figure out the app.

I convinced myself to calm down and that it was probably just an isolated incident. There’s most definitely a reasonable explanation, right? Well, as time went on I found myself wanting to check, and sure enough it continued to happen. “Active 3 minutes ago” all the while I was awaiting a response from a message I sent over an hour ago.

I always considered my boyfriend to be very attentive and always thought we had great communication and never really argued so more than anything I was confused. I went back and forth about whether it was worth bringing up to him. I always prided myself on not being THAT kind of girlfriend. I’m easy going and rarely bothered by much of anything, but at the same time I was genuinely feeling hurt and very angry over it.

Now, my mind was starting to go to all kinds of places. Like, what is so important on instagram that you can’t text back? Maybe he has always done this and I’m just now noticing? If so, not cool. Maybe he has no idea he’s doing it? Nah, screw that, why am competing with instagram for your attention?! My mind was racing...I DON’T KNOW what to think at this point.

One thing I did know was that if I did bring it up that he would be understanding and make it a point to make me feel better about it, but that still didn’t explain why I was so torn up over such a small thing.

So I sat down and asked myself “why does this bother me so much?” And I realized it bothered me because in my past relationships and in my childhood there were many moments where I was intentionally ignored. Made to feel like I was invisible and my feelings weren’t important. If you’ve ever been intentionally ignored by someone you love than you totally understand the kind of pain that comes with that and I don’t need to explain.

So what I thought to be something minor really wasn’t minor at all. I was experiencing fear because of my past. Of course, once we’ve experienced something negative we want to protect ourselves from ever experiencing it again so the fear will manifest itself through anger.

Now, please don’t read this and go start a fight with your boyfriend or girlfriend over instagram lol. The point of this story is to encourage you to listen to yourself. If something bothers you, try your best to dig a little and figure out the why, because the quicker you can find the cause of your pain the quicker you can work on healing from it. Don’t discount your own feelings, even if you feel that they are dumb or small or someone is trying to convince you that they are dumb or small. Your feelings are your feelings and they are valid!

[endowarrior877]

Endometriosis in the eyes of the beholder.

What is it really like living with endometriosis, a chronic illness? I'm sure the question comes up from time to time, not! Still unless you're living with a chronic illness it's hard to image some of the things us spoonies go through behind closed doors. I've even heard some folks say people with chronic illnesses have it so easy because we can't work and just sit watching crappy day time tele festering away being supported by our government. No, living with a chronic illness isn't a life long holiday whilst being supported by benefits. Instead it's a constant fight and one that costs me in time, money, energy, blood, sweat, tears and pain. It's a constant fight to have a relatively pain free life and a constant fight to not have to take several different medications several times a day. It's the constant fight to be there for appointments and then have to sit and listen to a doctor tell you that "your hot water bottle is the best thing for you, and you just need to get used to the pain and learn how to cope". Yes I was told that today at my appointment for the pain clinic. Smh. It's the constant fight of letting family, friends and sometimes your self down when you've had to cancel yet another plan. It's having to drag your partner away from his brothers wedding because the pain is now to much and i need to go home.

That particular pain and sickness flare would last a constant 72 hours and was probably the only time i could ever say I've felt like I've really had a mental break down. I eventually went to the hospital after the third day of constant pain and throwing up, then got sent home 'by accident' because there wasn't much they could do. Only to go home jump back into bed feeling so weak I was even hallucinating then comes a police van with 1 female officer turning up at my house to pick me up and take me back to the hospital immediately because my blood work came back very bad and my kidneys were shutting down as a result of being so ill the last 3 days. The hospital couldn't get in contact with me directly and as it was literally a matter of life or death they had to get the police to find me. Scary stuff right! I had to be readmitted and kept on a drip constantly for a few days because of how sick I got. It was mortifying and I felt like people were staring as I was being escorted back in to the ER with a police officer. It must have looked like I was some kind of criminal. I wasn't though, just very very sick. It was very scary and one of the most painful flares I've ever had and what made things worse was how scared I was to go to the hospital in the first place because normally they just say there isn't anything they can do and send me home. Another problem people with chronic illnesses have to deal with is having to persuade some doctors that there is something really wrong and you're not just there for a score of drugs or that you're not just being a big baby because of your period. At that point the strongest thing in pain relief being given to me was dihydrocodeine and that didn't do anything for the pain and would just add to the sickness because i would be taking the maximum dose to try and get some relief. During those 3 days of being in constant level 9-10 pain i honestly wished I was dead so many times as the hours passed and the pain stayed. Nothing helped and the pain just roared. It was so upsetting, it was brutal. I didn't sleep for being in so much pain and I was exhausted by the time I went to hospital. It felt like world war 3 was happening in my womb and outer areas. I couldn't eat or drink either which resulted in me being so ill and being so dehydrated and malnourished.

Yup, being chronically ill is not as glamorous as we'd all like it to be and you certainly learn some new life skills when the bomb is dropped and life sticks a label on you that won't go away. In reality being chronically ill and more specifically having endometriosis means that for me, I have to plan carefully even the smallest of trips. I need to take into account my medications and anything else that comes in handy during a flare. It means that I have to carry a boiling hot water bottle around even when I'm out running errands or taking the kids to the park. Being chronically ill means saying no to my favorite foods because somewhere along it's journey from my mouth to the other end it causes some kind of sickness wave or pain attack. Having endometriosis is saying no to getting intimate with the love of my life because the pain is unreal and I can't afford to be so sore the next day. I can't keep calling hubby back from work. Canceling social events and family gatherings are a constant happening and making sure if I am away from the house over night I have access to a bath incase I have a bad flare is a stupid embarrassing must. Its choosing to not even have that one drink no matter what the occasion is because the consequences are not worth it. It's a constant battle of fighting different emotions and feelings; some days are okay and some days are the worst, there isn't many good days and even less great days. It's having to get used to a new body affected by not being able to eat, marked with heat rashes and scars from surgeries. Trying to stay positive when everything around you is sore and hurting is not an easy task. People have referred to endometriosis pains as similar to having a baby, gallbladder stones, kidney stones and appendicitis. I haven't personally suffered anything apart from child birth but I can safely say the pains are sometimes actually worse than labour.

In today's world people with invisible chronic illnesses are not taken seriously by people that we really need to be on our side. We need the support of all doctors and not just top endometriosis specialists that we have to travel hundreds or thousands of miles to see. Unfortunately endometriosis is still treated with methods that were used a 100 years ago. How many other diseases and illnesses are still being treated without of date methods? Not very many. It's one of the only diseases that hasn't moved on with the times. If we had access to better more appropriate care then i bet your bottom dollar you'd see a lot less a&e visits from people with endometriosis too. It's not enough that this disease causes the most debilitating pain a human could ever experience whilst bleeding for god knows how long, but having half the world not really understand what endometriosis really does to a woman and then when we do try and seek professional help because we are so desperate it just feels like a hopeless fight where we are told it's in our head or try bandaid treatment. That's the full package with endometriosis and unless you're rich with a private jet able to pay top dollar to see someone super skilled and fast, there is at the moment a long wait to access care which is resulting in many woman like myself being left in daily debilitating pain.

For anyone newly diagnosed with endometriosis I kind of think my advice would be get ready to fight. Get ready to fight and get yourself educated. Learn about this condition inside out, the good and bad for everything. Your knowledge will save you many unnecessary treatments and will help you search out a surgeon that will be able to help you over time. Remember this is never going to be an overnight fix no matter how skilled your surgeon is. Endometriosis requires the most knowledgeable of doctors and there needs to be more of these people in our local hospitals where everyone can access them and there is more focus on surgical treatments instead of bandaid hormone treatments. There needs to be more awareness all around the world which I think is slowly starting to happen. Aside from all the actual physical symptoms we feel typical to having endo there is a lot more to just having this disease and it's not just about really sore periods. I'm still a firm believer that endometriosis can be treated brilliantly by laparoscopic procedure alone but the key is to finding that magic surgeon. Endometriosis doesn't grow back so it makes sense that removing the 'bad bits' will take away the pain. I'm part of a very good endometriosis resource Facebook page and the amount of woman who are pain free after 1-2 surgeries max is incredible and it gives me so much hope and just because of who they chose to handle their care. I unknowingly made the mistake of moving to the middle of nowhere and then learned about this list of top endometriosis specialists and now the closest to me is the U.K or Germany. Bad timing on my part! I have a good feeling about a Dutch specialist I was recommended to by my FIL's friend who had very bad endometriosis. Funnily enough she started out with the specialist I've just been seeing and had the same issues so asked for a second opinion with a different specialist and agreed to do surgery and found lots. They removed it all and now she's living a great life so I would like to see this doctor and speak with her before i make any rash decisions to rush to Germany in the near future. If she is as good as I hope then maybe she could be added to the list and help others find a good specialist. After asking for a second opinion of my recent MRI results I've asked to be referred to this other Dutch specialist and that should be the ball rolling again and some kind of pain free life will be more realistic. I'm staying positive and hopeful about this one but we will see in due course as ever. This will be my 3rd specialist so hopefully the saying third time lucky will come into play!

#endometriosis #endo #chronicillness #invisibleillness #spoonie #chronicpain #girltalk #periods #treatment #laparoscopy #hormones #hysterectomy #dailylife #routine #blog #personalspace #pain #everyday #thirdtimelucky #beatthis #staystrong #fight #carryon #survive #question #awareness #raiseawareness #love #endowarrior #hope #painfree

[sueboohscorner]

The Haves and the Have Nots S4 Ep21: Kate - Recap & Review #HAHN

Episode Rating Scale:(9) Excellent

The plot thickens with each episode. The choices the rich and the poo has to make isn't all that different. However, they are all connected one way or another. I expected this episode to give us more heat but it didn't.  We getting close to the finale, what secrets will come to the light. Let's discussed this episode. 

Mama Rose walks in and finds her restaurant destroyed. It's not too bad, but still, it had some damage done. Erica is sitting there scared out her mind. Mitch gave the ok to let her go. I think they should have killed her too. Put her nicely beside her boyfriend. What I found odd was Candace being MIA? When did she leave the restaurant? Mitch apologize for the damage, but Mama Rose isn't mad at all. She sees War dead on the floor, and her grandson helps to get him there; Mama Rose is satisfied. However, that doesn't mean she is pleased with Jim and David. 

Candace wasn't too far away. She and Mitch sit in his car discussing Mama Rose. Candace did the hood a favor by delivering War to Mama Rose. Mama Rose was about to have innocent bloody bodies laying around just for one person. Candace help prevents that. Mitch tells her his grandmother is going to want to thank her face to face. Unfortunately, Candace has already been in Mama Rose's company. It wasn't good company either. Candace explains to Mitch how his grandmother kidnapped her for Jim Cryer. Mitch was shocked and asked why she didn't tell him. I am confused because Candace didn't know anything about Mitch and the fact he was a Malon. Remember, when she told him you don't have a connection like that; when he set War up for drugs. The writing a little iffy right there or my memory is incorrect. Candace knows how to make a man fall in love with her tho. You can tell Mitch care for her. I wonder will they ever put them two together. Candace revenge her son's death. She still wanted to the question and nowhere to go with no money. Candace life is a hot mess. She asked Mitch to take her somewhere. Where will they end up?

Hanna had God protecting her. Her faith is so powerful that he covered her. Sad that Baby Q couldn't be protected. This could have been a message to Candace. Candace needs to get her life together. Sometimes tragedy change lives. I was upset that she blames Hanna. Why was War there in the first place? He was looking for her. He wanted to kill her. Everyone in that room beside Baby Q tried protecting Candace. Her son paid the price and she still blaming everyone but herself. Smh. Candace words don't usually affect Hanna but this time they did. Hanna questions her faith at this point. I know the hardest thing for Benny is being caught between two women; his mother and his sister. He loves both of them dearly, but that just don't get along. Benny tries to comfort his mother. He tries to restore her faith. Unfortunately, Hanna blames herself as well for Baby Q's death. Benny tries to get Hanna to recite a prayer. Hanna sits in silence.

I don't like David being a marked. His soft spot for a damsel in distressed is driving me crazy. You have to give it to Erica for that performance. Some how at Mama Rose's restaurant she got a bruise on her face or did Candace give her that bruise when she smacked her? Hmmmm!!! Anyway, she now has an abusive fiance. What? David fell for the lies and the games. He told her he would protect her. What will her fiance name be? She definitely can't say Way; he is dead. David thought Veronica and Erica had another catfight. After Candace smacking Erica, I am now convinced she is no competition to Veronica. But it's a good thing she didn't lie. Veronica would have made David's life harder than she is already doing. David and Erica leave the hotel. Where will David take her? To his house, I bet. She is getting David right where she wants him. I am hoping she falls for David. However, Candace did say she will throw her out a window if she betrays her. Does Erica have loyalty or fear of Candace at this point?

Unbelievable how a mother sells her child for some money. Amazing how a grown woman agrees to it. Sometimes I feel sorry for Melissa, and sometimes I don't. She is trapped between a social path and a horrible mother. She truly has no win unless she plans an escape. Two mothers stand there trying to control their kids' life. Poor Jeffrey and Melissa. Doris, Melissa's mom, ask Veronica for more money. How much pay off this woman need? I don't know why she thought it's was about to be a bonding moment. Veronica has dinner cooking. The aroma smells good. Veronica nicely tells Doris goodbye. That look on her face was priceless. No family bonding.

Just when you think Veronica can't stoop any lower, she makes Melissa clean up her bloody mess. How low is that? Veronica tells Melissa she hopes she is worth it. She went on to how the baby better is healthy and pretty. What is she going to do if her grandson/daughter be gay too? I feel for this grandbaby. Poor baby. You are about to horn for a social path to raise you. Pray for the child.

 Is it possible that Candace and Charles found love with each other? The most soon to be a powerful man in the world has fallen for a ratchet hood criminal. Charles apologizes to Candace for not being honest with her. For once Candace said the right thing out her mouth. She told Charles he didn't like to her.  Is this a goodbye? Charles is headed to NY for another campaign stop. Even though he would love for Candace to join him, she has to bury her son. It seems like Charles has his project going. I guess he is longer for a first lady. Can you imagine the first lady being Candace? Omggg, a lot of scandals is needed to pull that off. When they closed the doors; they both stood not wanting to leave each other side. 

Hanna is too prideful at times. She has nowhere to live, no money and no job. Benny has no money, no job and nowhere to live. Why not accept Katheryn's offer? Sometimes I wonder does Hanna see Katheryn as a friend or just a rich white lady she works. This friendship has blossomed. It has survived the hardest tests, son against some and pain on top of pain; I feel Hanna deserve whatever Katheryn gives her. Take that house. If you want to pay her, then pay her but take the home. Can't be prideful when you homeless Hanna. I also feel Katheryn is sincere. Hanna is the only person she is most sincere with. Benny has to see Veronica. Why?  Before he leaves,  Katheryn tells Hanna and Benny the funeral home called. It's time to bring Baby Q home going outfit. Benny feels Candace need to be there. Regardless of Candace ways, she is his mother. I believe she loves her son and that's only right. Hanna may feel differently, but Benny doesn't care. He calls Candace.

Benny gets a hold of Candace. He wants to go pick her up to go to the funeral home. Since Hanna is going to be in the car, she declined. Even in tragedy them, two can't put their differences aside. Terrible!!!! Benny agrees to text her the address. Jim walks in the house. Amazing how these two doesn't know each other. After the introduction, Jim asked, "Where is Katheryn?" Katheryn and Hanna walk in. Katheryn is shocked to find Jim there. Jim wants to talk to Katheryn, but Katheryn is so over Jim. She doesn't want to speak to him. Hanna tries to excuse herself, but Katheryn tells her to stay. Hanna is only worried about getting to the funeral home. She doesn't have time to be in the middle of Katheryn and Jim. Hanna and Benny leave Katheryn to talk to Jim.

Jim is trying to get Katheryn to agree to a meeting with David and Veronica. They need to get their story together and prepare for George. Despite them all not trusting each other, they have to stick together right now. Mama Rose presented the body and Wyatt gave the motive. A Cryer is going down for Jennifer Sallison's murder but who? Jim tries to get Katheryn to understand she didn't need to burn the house down. All the furniture is in storage. Katheryn doesn't care; she wanted Jim told to be in the mansion. Katheryn walks away. Jim follows her. Jim and Katheryn have had so many ups and downs over the series. Is Katheryn mad at him or just extremely angry at him? Jim tries to convince Katheryn he loves her. I guess Katheryn hasn't had a man touching her in a long time; especially not Jim. The resistance can only last but so long. Katheryn gave into Jim. Anger turned into passion and sex.

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Editor: Lattice Johnson

[crashintodash901]

Rare jewel

Rare jewel Rare jewel Rare jewel I have damaged being stupid ignorant knowing that I only loved you that night you asked me what did love mean to me knew what I wanted to say but I left and found out what love really mean Rare jewel we first met it our 11th grade year you was in my chemistry class and in my head I knew I really liked you so I decided to try and talk to you by being lab partner and I left because I was scared but since that day forward we walked past each other in the hallway speaking like every day on towards the end of senior year you made a dent in my heart from that day forward not knowing will I ever get to see you again was until that day on Facebook I messaged you and then the next thing I know we talked for like a month and then it was like November or towards December when you asked me to go to the mall with you I thought you where playing and then next thing Ikno you pulled up at my house I was thought I was dreaming smh we went to the mall and I enjoyed that day with you even though I ended up wondering off lol but and then next we went to this ice cream place you loved and sat and talked sitting there and getting lost in your beautiful smile and sense of humor I knew I had actually fell in love with you from that day forward we talked like every single day you use to get upset when I called you buddy i didn't kno it made you mad lol so I stopped then you invited me to your birthday dinner and I was late as usual I saw you In that pink dress looking so beautiful I was like wow you are so beautiful that what was going on in my head lol but then we actually went out on a date to the movies and watched that singing movie lol and after the movie you realized you left your keys in the car we sat outside the theatre talking and laughing waiting on your sister and then afterwards we went to McDonald's where you locked me out of the car cause I was trying to prove a point about the real rocks on a garbage can lol from that day forward I knew I had found my self a Rare Jewel I came up to visit you when you was in college I had enjoyed every visit showing me around up there having fun trying new things you showed me a lot being together only 6 months I knew I fell in love lol I remember the first time I told you I love you it was threw a text you didn't wanna hear it that way lol so I practice saying it before you came home on you summer break lol and when you did you finally got to hear it face to face it was loving and amazing we had so many beautiful times together traveling as a couple to Knoxville all within our first year of being together our second year was great as well we went on tones of dates and going swimming at the casino it was funny cause I was trying to teach how to swim that didn't go so well lol we still had fun even though you called me your fish cause I liked swimming we hit a rough patch that year but we overcame it you helped me out in so many ways and you was always there for me even though you was 6 hrs away I adored you so very much our third year together we had a blast you took me to my very first concert to see my favorite Artist J.Cole lol I held you in my arms the entire Night smiling from ear to ear I heart growing bigger and bigger with you inside. Then I was left for the holidays you and your family opened up the doors for me to celebrate thanksgiving with you all that year I just wanted to break down and cry I knew I wanted to be with you forever enjoyed that year together with you helping me fix stuff like with your car and your moms car and your sister car changing the light bulbs and stuff and enjoying washing our cars together then that following year I remember when I came to stay with you at the house you was watching before you left for Italy we had a blast from cooking our on dinner to just going out traveling Knox and going to the gun range then we had a fall out that night before I left the next day we sleeper without you being in my arms it devastating knowing I just shouldn't have been so stubborn smh Idk why but once again we got over that and then you left for Italy I messed you for a whole week couldn't wait to make up to you but the holidays came around again it was another blessed year again having fun eating good you been there for three all of my downs and even when nobody else was you where the best thing ever in my life you saw me threw success and my down falls knowing the only reason you pushed me so hard cause you saw something in me no one else could see it that was a successful man when you broke up with me that night I I didn't show up to the dinner you cooked for me for my bday I didn't mean to hurt you or stand you up you right I did make excuses and my heart was telling me to come to you but I didn't come threw like I was suppose to we went two weeks without talking and then when we finally did I thought you didn't want both to do with me anymore you where enjoying yourself and I was the one hurting on the inside just being stubborn and ignorant again so we eventually made up and you came over to my apartment and I cooked you dinner lol but my biscuits wasn't done all the way lol it was fun and I saw that beautiful smile again and not seeing you cry made me happy we cooked almost every other night when we had Tim from cooking breakfast lol 9 pm at night to making our own pizzas lol jumping to 2016 you took me out of Memphis again on a plane to the big apple I was scared I admitted but i had a blast in you told me it would be ok I got lose and started enjoying being in the sky we landed in New York we had a blast walking around enjoying the city even when I ripped my pants trying to climb a rock with you i was still happy and seeing you smile and being happy I knew I wanted you in my life forever once again we had blast when we was there and seeing that beautiful sight looking over New York from the top of the Empire State Building was beautiful having that experience with you we got back to Memphis i just wanted to go back and stay with you lol thanksgiving came around again we had a blast eating good good food and you making your good stuffed pasta shells I so dearly loved lol and I made you that poke cake lol for you you enjoyed it then your bday dinner you was looking so beautiful you took my breath away seeing us grow from being 19 to 23 and in love was amazing and a blessing then for our anniversary I wanted to do something special and different like make a reservation at a restaurant lol we showed up like 20 mins late and waited like 30 mins lol it was worth the wait you where happy and so was I smh I only still was thinking about you being with me forever then we had a slight disagreement on and we we broke up a day before valentines I was sad once again then we talked like a few days later and I knew I wanted you back but it started off kind of distance we went to see fifty shades darker it was a good movie then you finally started back opening up then that Monday Idk what I was thinking saying I wasn't ready when I knew I was ready just scared I don't kno why so I stopped being stubborn cause I knew I didn't wanna lose my queen we did start acting kinda of different like we really wasn't never thinking of us as a couple just the stuff we wanted to accomplish in life and then like march it hurt me saying that you felt unappreciated kinda of and I didn't understand how and we didn't really hardly talk any so we tried fixing the problem talking about it we April was getting good I expressed like wanting to actually getting a placed together and stuff and how you make me feel I really wanted that but we had a disagreement and that changed my vision but not the way I love you and I idolized you for everything you have done for me I was just to ignorant to fix one thing and knowing I should have never did it my first bday spent with you was a blast we party Friday and Saturday seeing you happy was a great bday at that even though the surprise bday didn't happen I still was with my queen two weeks went by less then 72 hrs ago we was happy may 20th, 2017 will never leave my mind or heart we where enjoying each other and was planning what we was going to do on Sunday after we finished next thing it went from a smile to anger cause of me and knowing I messed up a beautiful queen my Rare jewel you where furious with me and hit me pushed me because you where heart broken cause I broke a promise on something I vowed to never do again and I broke that but I am sorry and some ways it felt like the words you said to me made me realize that I am not the person for you my queen I am sorry but you deserve better and I know nothing for me will ever be the same and I am sorry if I could go back 5 years ago to start over I would actually do that because you where the best thing that ever happened to me then beside being born on this god green earth but I hope you can find that person who actually appreciate you and do better then even though it hurts me to say this my Rare jewel you made an imprint and my heart no one will never be able to do ever again in my life

[disparais]

without them, there wouldn't be any of this

started this post whilst in the car, with my mother’s careless words ringing in my ears, but i later found the time to expound upon some other things. started off rambly, but i realized there was still a certain flow to my thoughts, so i threw in headers wherever appropriate during editing.

also. i was so upset when i first posted this pre-edit/organization (i left the post hanging while i was having lunch with my parents and then the worst stomachache of 2017 after - no idea what the pathophysiology was behind that one) that i forgot to format the post under a cut help

why i hate staying at home: (aka the catalyst for this post)

words have consequences hadghxnsb how can you say things like “i always cringe when people tell me i must be proud that my daughter’s in medical school because i think you’re going to flunk out” fuuuuck why am i even still surprised

scheduling and plans:

also a little unhappy with people who flake on plans. casual plans may be casual but i still take them as binding as long as a date has been set. and i don't appreciate clearing my schedule, especially where j is involved, only to be told that they've been cancelled. especially when it's because the people involved have knowingly made plans with other people. (double-booking is different, i guess, since it's unintentional. plus i’m guilty sometimes since my social calendar is nuts sometimes, so it would be hypocritical of me to be mad about that.)

[update: moments after mentioning double-booking, i realized i was supposed to do zumba with a for fc sigh this is why i said double-booking is unintentional.]

this cancellation just stings so much because it plays into my deepest insecurity, i guess, that i'm overinvested in the friendship and i just. care too much. i mean, why else would our plans matter so much to me and not to them?

and why does reciprocity matter so much to me, anyway? g said it best when she said that God’s love for us is unconditional and we should be striving to love others freely. logically i don’t think i impose any expectations on others in terms of gestures. it’s a scorpio thing to love deeply and jealously, and i need to learn to not be affected by others’ apathy/ignorance.

overly-full social calendar:

i don’t get how i can feel like i don’t have that many friends, even though my social calendar is frequently packed. i guess i really hardly see my close old friends like f, ly, l, h, m, a etc. these days. not forgetting assorted people like the lower-maintenance guys like j and j, and other people like d and k (who slept over recently! it was cool). also truly pleased with the direction suitefam is heading in (see section below).

was actually really pleasantly surprised when d realized i was in school last term (when i was on the way to meeting j) and wanted to meet me spontaneously, even if just for 15 mins (she dropped whatever she was doing and ran over). she said, amongst other things, that meeting me was grounding and calming. a clear 受宠若惊 moment for me, which gave me hope - maybe i do have something apart from sensible advice to offer people (gotta learn to curb my instinct to dispense it when unsolicited, though).

limited social energy:

(i only get to my point in the 4th paragraph tbh) increasingly annoyed with qx sometimes because i genuinely don’t care that much when he cancels on me (beginning to think sometimes that he’s not as important to me as everyone, myself included, thinks he is) bad thoughts stop here but i do care that he tries to foist me onto the next available person. i get that he flakes on people for family because he’s separated from them by a goddamn ocean and he clings onto them. i don’t get how he thinks forcing me to interact one-on-one with someone i’m not really close to is supposed to help my social reserves.

and that’s not even it - the day before, i asked if he wanted to do lunch after anat tutorial, and when he suggested la nonna and i agreed, he began scanning the place to determine who to ask along. what happened to the guy who ditched house lunches because he couldn’t be bothered to wait for them to eat and because he hated sitting on the floor? i’m beginning to think true as those excuses were, they were just flimsy cover-ups for his initial loneliness whilst he was trying to fit in.

honestly happy with the way i am right now in uni - no longer fomo with regards to most things (apart from suitefam HAHA), and far more fiercely independent than before. just a little disappointed in qx in terms of how susceptible to peer pressure in terms of wanting to fit in and all he turned out to be, though i guess it’s sort of understandable since these are truly all the people he has. i probably take my social network for granted sometimes.

after all of this rambling, i mostly wanted to say that i am bone-tired dealing with people from medicine. i hardly find deep/stimulating discussion with these people (my immediate peers) and instead i have to put up with banter and it is. so tiRING

the difficult part is dealing with people like qx who inadvertently worsen the situation by open-jioing people to most things we do. it already costs me to initiate an interaction with someone regardless of whether or not we’re close, and unless you know you’re jio-ing someone else i’m close to, you should know that your “inclusiveness” comes at a relatively hefty cost to me.

and the worst part is when i explicitly expressed my exhaustion (rare, unless my walls are down - suitefam sees me at my most tired and vulnerable tbh) and he said “yeah, yeah, i understand” and i disagreed and HE INSISTED HE DID, and still wanted to invite someone. WHAT EVEN I CAN’T he should have seen me the night of my 5.30am htht with kt. i bet i looked like a complete wreck at 1+ when i showed up at her doorstep but thank goodness for people like 2/5 of suitefam around whom i am comfortable ♥

tl;dr introvert invisibility is real extroverts please don’t pretend to be introverts just because it’s cool and counterculture kthxbai.

suitefam:

truly pleased with the direction suitefam is heading in - definitely getting closer to g + kt every day, and this week we even got to hear from c and s.

suddenly realized that suitefam has opened up a whole host of opportunities for me to indulge my love language in terms of gifts as i’m now able to grab something simple on the way back to share with the suite/drop things in peoples’ buckets/run into my room to calligraph a quick thank-you note. didn’t use to think i was really into gift-giving as a gesture of love as compared with the other 4 love languages, but suitefam is really challenging that self-perception. always good to develop another love language, anyway.

also being reminded very keenly on how much touch is a love language for me, in the sense that if my walls come down far enough for me to be comfortable with personal touch (2/5 of suitefam - naturally, since they’re the people i’m closer to), it is a very rare and precious and lovely thing; touch, even unintentional, is so inexplicably comforting and comfortable for me.

j’s birthday:

i was not mentally prepared to have to celebrate with j on monday and now i need to whip something up asap omG I AM FREAKING OUT HERE what am i even supposed to get him?? (update: that’s right i got him pretty much the same thing i got for my ex previously. smh why am i so goddamn practical and uncreative)

going to ilight with him tomorrow though so that’s a plus - self-reminder to pick a suitable outfit and i guess tomorrow’s going to be burnt on making his card. i sometimes wonder whether we’re truly a good match for each other or not aaa the low-maintenance thing is definitely a pro in friendships but i’m beginning to wonder if it’s okay for us or not since we aren’t just friends after all.

conclusion:

i just want to study for pros and not have to deal with all this omg i swear after tmr i'm just going to buckle down and study because life and socialization is so not worth it sometimes really a little hurt and not ready to deal with the people mentioned in this post for now but it's hard because i do love them (love is not a word i use lightly) but all this is making me wonder if i’m equally loved i guess