#i forgot how fun it is to have a mental breakdown on a blog | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

issafterglow · 2 years ago

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tranquil - 19th of march

hi !! ummmm okay so to start i only made this blog because

my friends don't use tumblr

i'm trying to avoid bombarding my friends with my pointless ramblings and

someone close to my heart said that if i'm having trouble being vocal about my feelings to other people, either a journal or a blog would be a good tool to utilize so that i don't feel suffocated by my own mind.

ewan ko if i expressed all of that correctly pero that's what i'm here for. to learn how to express my emotions well using a language our colonizers forced upon us :/ kimi! anyway ang dami kong kwento for todays videow since ang dami ring ganap sa life ko lately. i had to enroll for 2nd semester, i started writing again, i went to a beach, and i'm recently trying to get into another book universe.

very hassle ang 2nd semester enrollment namin, i had to wait for weeks para lang makapag enroll because of our stupid school portal. i worried a lot pa na i would spent my whole getaway sa beach worrying about the enrollment kasi yung alis namin for quezon is march 18 then yung last days of enrollment namin is scheduled on march 17-18. march 17 nang tanghali wala parin yung link !!! unfuckingbelievable so nagwoworry na ako kasi, sa 18 aalis kami nang super aga tapos idk how much time it would take pa to arrive at the resort so i was getting anxious but !!!! thankfully nag open yung link around 4 something in the afternoon. i enrolled, finally have a copy of the cor na din BAD NEWS IS: terror profs namin this sem. and this is like legit kasi kinekwentuhan na ako nung kaklase ko from another course about it kaya i had a mental breakdown that same night of march 17. i sort of relapsed, again !!! grabe i was crying my ass off talaga kasi i was thinking the whole time na, uy i have just adjusted from my 1st sem profs, alam ko na galaw nila and then this happened and it looks like this time i have to face scenarios i was trying so hard to avoid for 1st sem. although i am there naman, i am at that part of my life where i want to come out of my comfort zone, hindi ko alam if kaya kong mag commit fully since i'm not exactly at peace with myself just yet. i can already anticipate the amount of relapses i would get. pretty sure mapapahiya ako. and i dont know if i have friends who would still treat me equally if i fuck up over acads so ayun hehehehe uni's so hard. probably new adjustment nanaman for 2nd sem. finals pa namin is birthday ko huhu so ayun. at this point i guess the only thing that i can really do is take the advice of the former students ng prof ko and really devote my life to studying starting now. that's just that. i have to survive and conquer this time.

anyway acads aside,,, life at the beach was fun !!! although we only spent a day and a night out there, it was everything i needed. i forgot my problems for a short while, tapos i made new friends too!! people who are older than me pa ^^ idk if i can still call myself an extrovert pero i swear i love meeting new ppl !!!!! i think i have established a connection with them naman so ayun happy heart nanaman and also new memories agaiiiin :)

very very helpful din yung beach getaway namin for my writer self (wow??? ansaveh) kasi while nasa byahe kami i had time to think about the next step for my story ^^ haddd so much fun with that talaga i love it when i can rack my brain for angsty shit hehehe i have always been anxious about readers' thoughts sa gawa ko when it hasn't even been executed yet. kaya lagi akong nags-stall sa pagsusulat pero ngayon i think i'm gonna push through with this one. it might take a while for me to finish it pero i will get through it. i will. kasi this time i'm only giving a fuck about my opinions alone mwehehehehhehehe. i'm not exactly writing a book but i have been wanting to prove to myself that i can write kahit papano and that i can also touch people's hearts with my words.

speaking of books !!! waaaaah I'M DONE WITH FOLK OF AIR SERIES naiiyak ako why is it so bitin :( i miss jude and cardan fr. di ko muna babasahin yung kay oak kasi wala pa yung 2nd book and i hate cliffhangers !!! so next time !!!! BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I READ NEXT?? i was contemplating between a tjr book or another fantasy book but of course i chose the latter and girllllll I AM LOVING THIS. i'm currently reading shadow and bone tapos grabe akala ko it would be all about fae's lang din and shit so i was hesitant diba pero naurrrr it's like medieval with sci-fi stuff in it grabe i love it !! i love grisha people even though i know so little about it palang pero i am already drawn to the universe !!! saya so much i'm gonna read it tonighttt hehehehhehhe ayun lng !!!!

for the life update, ito lang handog ko for now. mom's going to use the pc na !! wish me luck i hope things work out well in the end.

may the stars align.

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kart0 · 2 years ago

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meds update plus rant: day 10

I knooow, I knowww no one cares and this is a blog just for me but I'm sorry I skipped day 7 ! I got so overwhelmed and cried a lot and I just forgot to do it, I was rlly tired

anyways, honestly I can't remember at all what happened...

I did have a pretty bad mental breakdown, because I had to do a writing for uni and it took me 6 hours to finally do it. I was sitting in my desk my notebook opened in front of me and my iPad with the article opened and I just. I just couldn't. and it's hard to explain when someone asks "well what have you been doing in these 6 hours you were procrastinating ?" because. I literally did not do anything. I was definitely stressed and paranoid tho. I kept opening twitter and closing it bc I had one thing in mind and it was "do the writing. do the writing." and it kept going on repeat and... sigh... if I at least used these hours to relax or have fun, just, no, I didn't and I didn't do anything. I don't know why, it is always so frustrating. but I was able to eventually and it took me only 20 minutes to do so.

everything was going alright. I submitted my writing ( at 3am ), then went to uni, took 2 exams which were in pairs so it went fairly well. I was really, really happy with myself cuz even tho it took me 6 hours to do it I actually did everything I had to do.

and then I had another writing to do. and it started well ! for 2 minutes

and then I procrastinated for 7 hours. at 11pm I was already sobbing because I was so frustrated with myself. it's so easy ! just do it ! just start it ! you have to do it then just do it it's that fucking obvious ! and at 1am my dad entered my room ( originally to scold me for being awake at that hour ) and he saw my red nose and puffy eyes and asked me why I was crying, and I said because I had to do this project. and he then said "do it then" and left the room and I started crying again. I really hate myself. and then, at 3am I realised i wouldn't be able to do this work, and also I had to study for the exam I'd have on that day. so I went to sleep. and I felt so incredibly defeated. I lost. I always lose in the end, no matter how much I'm working hard, or how good things are going, bc the previous day I had managed to do it, and then it all fell apart.

of course i struggled with the exam and I failed my test. and when I got back home I just laid in bed and I felt really...weird. like. definitely bad but I felt really. idk, but it was bad. I couldn't do anything, I couldn't cry, I wasn't able to focus on social media at least to distract myself, I couldn't sleep. I also had not eaten anything basically all day which definitely did not help at all and I think in fact it made things worse

but then now is day 10. and I am done with my exams. I went to a bday party ( that was on a bar ) and I had a bloody Mary for the first time. it was good. caught up with some old friends. I'm really proud of myself for staying alive, taking my meds and not forgetting a single day, even if I might not be able to take every time at the same hour oof. but I feel proud I think.

I definitely need to checkout on a adhd/add specialist, my current therapist is more focused on depression and grieving haha. there are some days like today that I really feel hopeful for my future. and I feel like I really want to improve. but it's rather rare, most of the time I want to die and feel like I'm condemned to live miserably forever

as for side effects, I don't remember if I said it but sometimes my hands shake pretty bad and my body feels weird and hot and I can't focus, but it usually lasts 10 minutes and then I'm alright. this only happened 3 times that I remember. I also lost basically all my appetite which... is definitely bad because uhm I have an eating disorder and body image issues so I'm like, torn. I'm happy that I'm not eating but I don't like that I'm celebrating this thoughts I don't want them to win yet at the same time I'm thinking how much weight I'm going to lose and unfortunately it excites me. I'm trying to eat properly. I also became really tired on the last two days, like really really tired and sleepy all day but when I go to sleep I suddenly get anxious and it'll take me longer to sleep. for now I think that's all.

I hope things get better for me. this update was long, and I apologize. I will try to keep up with the schedule I made. goodnight :•]

#me #update #rant #antidepressants

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jamaiskookie · 4 years ago

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i would like more soundcloud rapper yoongi x idol y/n please it’s so cute

v-live alert! -myg

pairing: idol! y/n x soundcloud rapper! yoongi

wc; 2.9k

a/n: lots of you asked, and so you shall receive. ps, i wrote this really rushed but i kinda love it. lmk what you think, love you guys <3

[V LIVE] Surprise LIVE!

the v-live notification. or, more accurately, the sound of war. alternatively, you dance around your studio on a livestream and yoongi has a mental breakdown.

masterlist PREV

“i miss you too!“ you say, replying to one of the first comments that pop up on the live.

you probably should’ve showered before going live... and you probably should’ve changed out of sweats.

whatever.

it’s not like your fans haven’t seen this before.

half of your pre-debut pictures are just downright disgusting.

the number of viewers on the top of your phone begins to climb up to the thousands, increasing every half a second.

it always amazes you how many people show up to your lives. sometimes you wonder if your fans genuinely have nothing better to do. how do they always show up so fast?

the comments begin to flood with greetings and exclamations of ‘oh my god i’m so early!11!1’ and the multicoloured heart pop up on your screen, building up an impressive stream of likes.

“where am i?“ you read through the comments and look around, as if you forgot where you were. “in the studio.“ you grin when the comments flood with questions asking if dreamcloud is getting new music.

you can’t answer, of course, but it’s fun to see. you squint at your phone, which is propped on an elaborate setup that you spent the past twenty minutes preparing.

(three books on one eyeshadow palette and a selfie stick gingerly placed on a small stool)

((you pray to every deity out there that it won’t fall))

“i was just bored,“ you shrug, speaking to the screen. “so i decided to come on here and talk to you guys. how have you been?“ you ask.

hundreds of comments answer.

“i’m alright“

“i’m good!“

most of them contain some form of sappy declaration like ‘my day is much better now that you’re here!’ it makes you smile. how cute.

the v-live notification.

or, more accurately, the sound of war.

that cursed, terrible ding! haunts yoongi’s darkest and most terrifying nightmares. the sheer amount of panic that rushes through his veins when he hears that godforsaken noise, god.

the number of lives he’s missed- yoongi can’t even bear to think about it.

so maybe it was a blessing in disguise that yoongi put his phone on do not disturb so he didn’t have to hear that disgusting sound. instead, he found out the news via a gorilla’s screech.

“Y/N’S LIVE RIGHT NOW STARTED FOURTY SECONDS AGO HURRY UP YOONGI GET YOUR ASS UP AND STOP STUDYI-“ jimin yells from his room down the hall.

yoongi almost falls out of his chair scrambling to get to his phone. it’s not like he was really studying anyways- more like using his pencils to tap out a cool-sounding beat on his desk out of boredom.

watching your live > passing his music theory class.

priorities.

with shaky hands, he grabs at his phone, slumping onto the floor and he sees the familiar blue icon with the notification popped up on the screen.

[V LIVE] Surprise LIVE! Y/N: let’s chat <3

an unnatural squeak that slightly resembles the sound a mouse slips out of yoongi’s mouth.

even when he was a baby starrie and was glued to his phone at all times, he’s never been this early to a live. he unlocks his phone, cursing his momentary clumsiness. he clicks into the live, smiling when your beaming face blasts up on his screen.

you haven’t gone live in so long- it’s nice to see your face again.

“- how have you been?“

“good.“ yoongi types out in the comment box, mumbling the words as he’s typing. “way better now that you’re live.“ sometimes yoongi cringes at himself when he types these things. i mean, who could possibly guess that min yoongi, resident scary-emo-couldslapyouintheface bad boy socially un-responsible simped over a k-pop idol?

he can already see his reputation go down the drain.

he also wonders what it says about himself that he’s a 20-something college student who’s life practically revolves around you, an idol who’s just about a year younger than him.

but dreamcloud is a part of his identity now. he identifies as a starrie no matter what. you know how the old saying goes-

once you stan, you can’t unstan. or something like that, he’s honestly not sure.

you tuck your head onto your hand, diligently trying to keep up with all the comment. with a gasp, you nod at something. “oh, you’re right, user yoonalova98!” - that’s another thing special about you. whenever you read out comments, you also read out the username of whoever wrote it.

you explained in one interview- that it’s cooler to give credit and talk to your fans as if you’re just chatting as friend. saying the username feels like you’re saying their names.

what kind of lucky fan would get their comment read aloud by Y/N?

ugh.

yoongi blinks when he remembers that technically, he’s sort of part of this group of elite, recognised fans.

his twitter stan account got almost five thousand more followers after Y/N replied to his selca. the post itself has tons and tons of likes and retweets.

insane, that Y/N- Y/N herself- knows of his existence. Y/N- the love of his life, has seen his FACE. she commented three HEART emojis below a selfie that he took.

if he thinks about it too much, he’ll start feeling faint again.

“our anniversary is coming up soon! i can’t believe it’s been three years already. time does pass by when you’re having fun.“ you say. yoongi thinks that it’s rather ironic that you would forget your anniversary, when yoongi’s had a calendar countdown to January 14th since the beginning of september.

“ahh,“ you say, leaning in closer to the screen. “from user lialiarach, ‘did you watch jisoo unnie’s acting debut’ - i did! we all watched it and cheered her on during the premiere!“

jisoo’s new drama is good. it’s a fantasy-horror blend, and he, jimin, namjoon and jin finished all 16 episodes in two days when streaming hit Netflix.

your head tilts and you smile. “song recommendations?” you wonder aloud, and yoongi scrambles to get a pen and notepad out. you don’t do ‘y/n’s listening parties’ as much anymore, but your taste in music is impeccable and he collects all the songs in a playlist.

it’s called ‘wedding tunes’ (jimin named it, not him, yoongi swears)

everytime he tries to change it back, it somehow switches back to wedding tunes the next day.

it’s disturbing how good jimin is at this kind of stuff. hopefully yoongi won’t have to bail him out of jail one day.

“okay!“ you say, pulling your laptop open. you hum as you scroll through some page that yoongi can’t see- and he anxiously waits for the first song to be played with twitchy hands and a strong grip on his pen.

the first bar plays out and yoongi’s already in love.

“this is,“ you say over the music, double checking just to make sure. “don’t need your love by NCT...“ you squint. god knows there are too many NCT members. “dream! NCT dream featuring HRVY.“

“NCT dream...“ yoongi mumbles to himself, writing the song down on the notepad.

“you know,“ you say over the music, spinning in your chair and nodding to the beat. “i’ve only met the NCT guys a couple times at music shows and such but they’re all so nice. i can’t remember all their names, but i’m decently familiar with their faces. how do they even have 23 members? how does it all work??“

you dance around the studio, singing along nonsensical lyrics that don’t make sense but sort of fit the rhythm of the song (??)

“don’t need your loo-ooove-!!! dum dum duhhhh duhros noya!!!” yoongi stifles a laugh. there’s a reason why you constantly forget lyrics on stage.

which is quite ironic, actually, because half the time you’re forgetting the lyrics to a song you wrote yourself.

afterwards, you play all the hidden gems- and yoongi’s proud to say he’s familiar with quite a few of them.

airplane by j-hope (a youtube star turned successful rapper-vocalist-dancer)

sweet night by v (the internet’s resident eye-candy)

and then you continue to scroll through your laptop, biting your lip and murmuring quietly to yourself. you glance once back at your phone screen.

okay, listen.

yoongi knows that he’s delusional, okay?

but everytime you look straight in the screen it’s almost like you’re looking directly at the camera it’s almost like you’re staring into his soul. which makes zero sense, but it still makes his heart skip a beat.

let him dream, please

“what am i scrolling through?“ you say, reciting a question from the chat. “soundcloud, user chachachae.“

soundcloud?

oh.

that’s pretty cool.

he didn’t know you had a soundcloud account!

you usually post all your covers and random shorts to instagram or another one of your personal blogs.

for a moment, yoongi indulges himself by wondering if you’d ever listened to his music. his soundcloud account is linked in his twitter bio, after all...

but he shakes those thoughts away as fast as they came. he doesn’t need to entertain himself with such silly thoughts.

“ooh, this one’s good!“ you say, clicking onto something.

still with you by JAYKAY (pffftt haihdkahjd) starts playing and you lean back, humming along. yoongi knows this one too!! now he’s 3 for 3!! he and you do share a similar taste in music, so maybe it does make sense.

even though you’re actually main vocalist and lead dancer, you do listen to a lot of rap music. but the music you make is nothing like the old school hip hop tracks that yoongi is partial to.

the music you make- how can he explain it?

sweet like honey with a little bit of tang.

like barbecue honey!!!!

ok that was a bad analogy.

all of his favourite dreamcloud tracks are written by you- cloud nine, up in the sky, are u still here, quicksand- the list goes on and on and on.

it’s like listening to your voice solves anything he goes against. bad day? dreamcloud. something to celebrate? blast your debut song. in need of a party song? easy fix. he gets aux cord rights? (granted, this doesn’t happen very often, since seokjin insists that his music taste is superior to his friends.) but anyways, y/n can fix it.

listening to your voice feels comforting. it invokes something in him that he honestly cannot explain with words. you’re his inspiration. not just in music- but in life. he admires how you’re able to smile through anything, how you take responsibility for your own actions.

he admires your kind heart, which offers generosity and forgiveness to even the most underserving people.

he admires your passion, for music, for your members, for the smallest things. he admires how you’ll love everyone and anyone.

even though he’s never really met you, he feels like he knows you. he wishes he could, anyways. he wants to thank the person who’s gotten him through such bad days.

yoongi curses himself again for being so delusional.

he keeps telling himself that he can’t get so attached. then he’ll end up like one of those creepy fans who are convinced their idols actually like them.

blech.

“okay, next song!“ you exclaim cheerfully. “i really like this one, guys. he’s this soundcloud star. he makes really cool music.“ yoongi readies his pen. if this person really is a soundcloud star, then there’s a high chance yoongi knows of him. a smaller chance that he actually knows the guy personally; either online or from real life.

you press the space bar almost obnoxiously, like you’re about to reveal something grand. you look into the camera, and you lock eyes with yoongi- through that cursed, horrible screen.

the first note plays and yoongi thinks that it sounds... oddly familiar, actually. for a moment, he sighs in disappointment. this one doesn’t sound as great as the previous few songs. almost like it’s incomplete, imperfect. something about it bugs him at the very bottom of his gut.

jimin figures it out before he does.

“AHHHHHHHHH YOONGI!!! OH MY GOD-!!!! YOONGI ARE YOU SEEING THIS? YOONGI!! HYUNG!“ yoongi grumbles, wondering what the hell jimin is screeching about now.

“oh, for fuck’s sake,“ he mumbles. the difference between him and jimin is the way they express their emotions. while yoongi bottles it all up, choosing to deal with things alone and slump around, jimin has no other choice but to scream things out. it’s a wonder they’re such good friends, really. “what is it now?“ yoongi mutters to himself.

“yeah yeah, a gentle breeze- “ and then it hits him. all at once.

“holy fucking shit.“ he whispers to himself, slumping down on the floor. he can barely hear what you say next.

“this song is called people by agust d. he goes by the name suga on social media-!“ yoongi falls down, gasping for air. “i’m a fan,“ you remark casually. “mr. suga producer-nim!! i’m your fan! please continue to make good music!“ you chuckle. “what am i doing right now? he probably isn’t even watching.“ you stare innocently at the phone camera, as if you don’t even know that you’re changing someone’s life right now.

out of his peripheral vision, he can see jimin rushing into the room, crouching next to him and placing a hand on his back, murmuring something yoongi can’t hear through the sound of his sobs.

huh. when did he even start crying?

“he makes rap and really cool hip hop music. you guys should give him a listen. his lyrics are really meaningful, too.“ you nod along, reciting the lyrics word for word- even though you really can’t rap.

“what kind of person am I? am I a good person? or a bad person? many of ways to judge just a person. everyone will live on, everyone will love, everyone will fade away“ you headbang along to the beat.

yoongi slides down the wall inch by inch. he wonders if he’ll faint or vomit first.

other people seem to make fun of people like him- people who find solace in idols, in music. that’s partially why he doesn’t like disclosing the fact that he’s a diehard fan of an idol girl group.

but in hindsight, that’s so stupid. who gives two fucks about his interests? hell, yoongi’s been depressed half his life. and if a group of girls who sing songs and perform make him feel better, what’s so wrong with that?

jimin’s voice is a little clearer now, and so is yours. you’re singing along to the lyrics- the lyrics that he wrote. the lyrics that he spent hours agonising over, wondering whether his shortcomings and anxiety in his life were worth posting on the internet for his measly following to see.

wondering if the music he made had any impact at all, if one day he might see his dream come true, to see his music being played in public. wondering if anyone might hear his songs and think that it helped them get over a bad day. just like you have for him.

yoongi’s sobs wrack through his body, tears flowing freely on his face. he’s crying hard. ugly crying, like a baby throwing a temper tantrum. his cries echo through the room. if he could see himself right now...

well, he doesn’t want to think about it. he’s sure it’s not a pretty view.

jimin looks over him, smiling proudly. his eyes are glassy, and he tucks yoongi’s head in his chest, putting his arms around him and embracing him.

yoongi’s shoulders shake. if it was any other day, he would usher jimin out the room. he hates it when people see him being vulnerable. even his own family hasn’t seen him cry that much.

but right now, he can’t bring himself to do anything but cry. other people may ask why this is such a big deal, why someone emotionally constipated like min yoongi would cry like this for such a small matter.

this, he doesn’t know how to explain either.

all he can think about is how much it means to him. that someone he admires so much is now, in turn, saying his music- no, his life- is good. nothing much else. but just knowing that you’ve listened to his work, that you know of his alter ego’s name...

his crying sounds grow larger.

jimin pets at his hair. “shh,” he murmurs. “it’s okay.” jimin’s voice also grows a little shaky. he tears up, but continues to comfort the crying boy in his arms. “you did it, hyung. it’s okay. you made it. you did it. why are you crying? this is good news! this is so great! i’m proud of you, we’re all so proud of you.”

yoongi tries to speak; it doesn’t go very well. but when he tries again, he manages to choke something out.

“i did it.“ he says, before burying his face back into jimin’s hug. the two boys sit on the ground, crying together. an hour passes, then two.

slowly, yoongi drifts off to bed on the ground, the melody of his own song blended with sound of your voice echoing in his head.

my ordinary became your special, my special became your ordinary. so what? what if you just brush by? what if you get hurt? sometimes you might get hurt again, sometimes you might shed tears. so what? so what if you live like that?

~ people by agust d

tags; @jksbbyfacebunny @extremeobsessions101 @dwcljh @stonyiscanon @bishuthot @s0seo @cecedrake2217

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izzyliker · 4 years ago

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hey - this is one of the mods of the bi jon project. we don't actually dislike or disagree with pan jon at all, we just want to make a project focused on and celebrating bisexuality. our carrd is a bit rambling, but frankly we were trying our best/overcompensating to try and make sure people didn't misunderstand us and do - well, this. our intentions are good, and it's really kind of disenheartening to see all the hate we've gotten for what was meant to be a positive project. (1)

you're under no obligation to answer these, but i saw some of your posts in the tag and felt like reaching out because you did give us even the tiniest bit of slack in good faith. honestly, if you have any advice about what in our carrd is so overwhelmingly bad, we'd be happy to hear it. we've been trying to respond to the overwhelming amount of criticism we've got in a positive way, and take peoples' suggestions. (2)

as for why 'no anti-antis' was at the bottom of our rules list, it's legitimately bc we were trying so hard to be preventative about this negativity that we forgot to add it when we first posted the blog, and just remembered later. again, you're under no obligation to answer these, i just feel like no one's really actually letting us defend ourselves/are taking things in as bad faith a way as possible. (3)

im not exactly sure how the posts showed up in the tag bc ive been very purposefully not tagging them, also ive blocked all of you back (not sure why you blocked me if you actually want feedback, so it seems more like you just want free positive pr and not actual feedback) so its unlikely youll see whatever it is that i reply to this but whatever.

the issues have all been repeatedly brought up to you so i dont really see how me repeating all of them once again could help. when i last looked at the cardd the things that stood out immediately included.

pitting ace & bi identities and people against each other REPEATEDLY,

starting off with a guilt trippy tone and maintaining it throughout (in my experience this is the #1 best way to receive backlash because people do not want to participate in events where you feel like youre being guilted into it, which going into scrutinizing detail over there not being enough content and passing judgement onto authors or artists over it is something that comes across as guilt trippy.),

repeatedly equating asexuality with sex repulsion (not to get into the misleading information about modteam aspec identity breakdowns, since you claimed that 3/4 of the team are aspec, which is technically correct, but what you didnt say was that only one is acespec. surely you know that [allosexual] aro and [alloromantic] ace are not interchangeable) and calling using biromantic over bisexual a “misunderstanding” of the identity as if how to define romantic vs sexual attraction (how to divide, if or if not to divide, use interchangeably different labels) isnt a deeply personal choice ace people who experience romantic attraction make,

claiming that bisexual jon is canon (he isn’t. this is why people are suspicious of anti-other mspec identities sentiments. which theyre right, if youll be so kind as to stick around til the last paragraph) and repeatedly implying that the reason there isnt “enough” content centering bi jon because the aces are simply unable to not fixate on his asexuality (again, pitting identities against each other),

making the banned ship list way needlessly confusing and including ships that dont even include jon to it, which simply comes across as some kind of a list of bad ships, idk. a way to bypass this would simply be to say “we are looking for portrayals of healthy relationships!” and that couldve just been it. if you felt that that wouldnt exclude specific ships (eg. jondaisy that a lot of people write as a relationship between trauma survivors who have done very bad things trying to get better and learning to trust each other) it is possible to simply say “the modteam is squicked[/triggered] by ships with daisy/elias/peter and we’d like to read all of the works submitted so we’re asking not to receive submissions with those ships.” hating ships is literally completely normal but making rules hard to parse is going to attract questions, especially when the implication is that ships are excluded on the grounds of morality, and a blatant power difference ship (jonelias) is equated with jondaisy, which is from what ive seen almost exclusively shown to be a relationship between equals. that makes people EXTREMELY confused about where the line is. thats why youre getting so many questions about this.

in general the carrd was spotty, guilt trippy, and needlessly moralizing where it definitely did not need to be. the key to getting people to engage without getting backlash is to make the event seem fun. when your carrd is filled with stuff about unrelated negative stuff people are not going to think it’s a fun event at all.

and none of this even gets into the fact that at least one of the mods has a history of open hostility against pan people. i heard through the grapevine that he has since made a fauxpology about it, but frankly it already shone through in the language used in the event descriptions. its extremely hard to take any of this is good faith when it is easy to see that one of the organizers is quite fucking clear about thinking pansexuality is biphobic and the carrd is or at least used to be full of anti-pan (and other mspec identity) dogwhistles, and is notorious in some of the tma fic author circles for being extremely fucking nasty about trans men writing fic he doesn’t like to the point of pretending that we’re all cis people (in case youre not keeping track that is misgendering us by implication) because he doesn’t like it. i think some of you (or maybe all of you? idk) in general could stand to examine whether your engagements and participations in the fandom have been at all about having fun or adding positivity to anything, or simply making posts about what other people are doing wrong. it seems that every post i see from anyone in this group is guilt trippy and authoritative, and sadly this translated directly into the event.

when youre, say, a trans man whose first touch to one of the mods was a post about how fic where trans men have piv sex with cis men is hurting him personally and making it a moral issue and not a matter of a simple preference to the point where he feels comfortable making claims about the trans men (and transmasc nonbinary people) writing fic about trans characters re: their gender or whether theyre fetishizing trans men, your willingness to engage in good faith with an event hosted by him that features numerous red flags is not going to be unconditional.

im sorry to hear that it has been bad for your mental health, and idk whats fucking going on with this event anymore, but my good faith interpretations have diminished significantly since i saw the shit tmc specifically has been saying about pansexual people and pansexuality as an identity label. i have no clue where the rest of you stand but tmc has repeatedly, consistently shown himself to be unable to act in good faith towards anyone other than people who agree with him.

#disk horse #long post #Anonymous

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emawinslow · 4 years ago

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we all knew this was coming and I’m a sentimental bitch. I just wanted to write all my mutuals some little messages about how much I love you. you guys have changed my life and I am so grateful for each and every one of you!!!💕💞💓💗💖💘 anygays have fun searching for yourself in this mess and I’m sorry for any typos, I’m illiterate (and if i forgot you it’s because i lost my brain in 1912)

@cr1spyy fernanda, my first ever mutual. who would have thought that your 5th wave posts would have brought one of the most amazing people in my life to me. your posts always make me laugh and your dedication to the good morning asks is admirable (fr I could never have that much consistency) you’re so kind to everybody and you’re absolutely beautiful and incredible and I fucking love you so much. I honestly don’t even want to think about what my life would be like if I had never met you, MWAH💕🤍

@sundaymorninghangover I remember you being my first ever note!! you liked this post I made that was a reblog of a “uquiz” that was actually a rickroll lmao. you didn’t even follow me back then but whatever. Then I remember waking up one day to see that you had tagged me in a bingo ask game and I was like “ummm tf is an ask game” but I do still have a bingo card for it that I never used ekenksjs. anygays, you have good opinions on everything and you’re absolutely fucking hilarious. If you told me back in may that I would be friends with you I wouldn’t believe it bc you intimidated me but regardless I’m glad to be an arson gang member with you. your memes are god tier and so is your music taste. I love you whore!!!!!🖤💜

@sound-and-colors ma’am you’re so nice and for what??? the aesthetic stuff that you reblog is *chef’s kiss* and nobody else is out there doing it like you. we’ve never talked but I just know that you are absolutely incredible mwah❤️💛

@embeddedinmybrain tasfia you are the nicest person on his hellsite and you know it (I hope). It was so much fun being your secret admirer anon while it lasted, like fr I loved it. Your art is beautiful just like your heart and i honestly don’t know what I did to deserve such a kind soul like you in my life. You’re always there to hype me up and ily (also just cut your own hair already I believe in you)🤍💙

@gumptin you hooked me with your suus icon and reeled me in by being the coolest and funniest person ever. your posts are consistently hilarious, accurate, or relatable and I admire that. I mean it when I say you’re one of the coolest people on here. idk what I did to have you think I’m cool but I’m honored nonetheless. also you have really awesome style and hair jdnjdjdjd mwah💚💛

@nori-in-pink first and foremost, your blog always has a very nice aesthetic and I feel like I need to acknowledge that. anyway, you are so kind and supportive and you don’t take any bullshit and that is absolutely amazing. you are absolutely iconic and always reblog the best stuff so I know I can count on your blog to be fantastic. you used to scare me (idk why don’t ask) but now I know that you’re just a big teddy bear ily💗💜

@matteohnora my slurpee queen and my mememate!! you always send me the funniest shit and it doesn’t go unappreciated. You’re always there for me with a silly meme or emotional support and I don’t think I’ve ever told you how grateful I am for that. whenever you stalk my blog it makes my heart go whooosh and I feel so special. Ily and I am so glad to have met you💜❤️

@lieverobbe ah yes, the girl with the impeccable music taste. that’s what I know you as, oh well. you are more talented and kind than you could ever believe and your edits are amazing!!! whenever I see you on my dash I get all happy bc I’m like “em’s here!!!” I love all your lil posts and I am so glad that you are my mutual ilyyyyy💙🤍

@ironymane you’ve watched limitless which automatically makes you amazing. you’re an absolutely incredible and amazing person and even tho you aren’t on here as much anymore, I still love youre lil posts. And one time you kept me entertained on a 6hr car ride so you deserve some kind of award for that. ly🧡💛

@kingarthurpendragons okay the obvious thing to talk about here is your incredible talent when it comes to gif making. Like how in the hell- but you are also so kind and loving and it doesn’t go unnoticed. You don’t have to send nice asks but you do and ily for it mwah!!❤️💗

@engelkeijsers the skam nl stan that we all deserve to have in our lives. you are so fucking hilarious and relatable and all around amazing and for what? your posts always put a smile on my face and it is so much fun to clown with you. ilyyyy💚💛

@happiness-isin-you let’s ignore the fact that it took me forever to realize that this was your main lmao. your art is some of the most beautiful shit I’ve ever seen. like your style is so cool???? I could literally go on about this for hours don’t test me. the cute animal pictures are the absolute best and you’re always there for emotional support. Ilyyyyyyy💛❤️

@isakyaqi fiz you are so kind and talented and cool and I really do mean all that. You reblog always the best of content so I know I can trust it. you always put nice tags in the things you reblog things and it’s fun to read what you write because it’s almost always you hyping up the creator or the thing itself. you are awesome jdjdjdndjjd mwah🖤🤎

@cash-queens sam oh sam. Idek where to start with how much ily. You’re my famous mutual which is very iconic of you and you put up with my cat pictures and my silly antics and my riverdale posts. You’re so kind to me and everybody and whenever I make a post when I’m having a mental breakdown you’re always there to make sure that I’m doing okay. That def doesn’t go unappreciated. You’re legitimately one of the kindest and most amazing people I’ve ever known and I love you so much, more than you could ever know💛🤍

@welcometo-saturn çağrı you’re so cool. end of statement. that’s all I have to say about it. your gifs are so beautiful and you don’t take shit from anybody. you’re so down to earth that it makes it seem like you’re somebody who I’ve just always known (even tho we’ve never talked sjdjdjdjdj) so yeah anyway, you’re are a really awesome person with really good opinions and I am so glad that we are mutuals🧡❤️

@amifeelingokay it’s difficult not to start with your url bc it’s amazing and I love it. your skam posts are always so nice and cute and positive (just like you!!) and I love them. the content you reblog is always aesthetic or a nice text post and I just love your blog okay. ily💜🖤

@isthatelpome you’re so nice that I’m willing to overlook your opinion on salt and vinegar chips (they’re not good I’ll fight you on that) your dani icon is beautiful just as you are, mwahhhh🧡❤️

@earthling-isa babe you are so cute with your lil edits and your clowning. the near constant black and white aesthetic is very iconic and i love it. you’re a suus stan so I have no choice but to love you for it. i absolutely adore your gifs, especially the ones with the lil squares in the middle fygzbgut. you are absolutely beautiful and incredible and kind and I love you MWAHHHH🖤💙

@grey-mist-exist okay we’ve never talked but you seem like such a rad person. not cool but like rad (there are are subtle differences) your art is beautiful even tho idk the quotes (go off smarty pants) and overall you are just really rad, idk how else to say it mwah!!!🤍🖤<pretend it’s a grey heart

@fatoudixon hey look it’s one of the most talented people here!!! You’ve always been so kind and supportive of me and I really really do appreciate it. you have good opinions on everything and did I mention that you’re talented?? cause you are, very. Your reaction videos are amazing and not to mention iconic, just like your hair. anyway, ily and I am so glad that I have somebody as amazing as you as my mutual💙💛

@sander-klaas you are so kind and and you have so much passion. I can always trust you reblog only the best of wtfock and sobbe content which I am very grateful for. you literally just started making gifs and they are so beautiful (okay it was like months ago but whatever dkdjdjjdjdj) anyway, thank you so much for being my mutual mwah❤️💛

@jusdekiwi okay we’ve never talked but you genuinely seem like such a sweet person??? I love the stuff you reblog, it’s always the best gif sets. idk I can just tell you have good taste. I hope to get to know you better in the future, but for now I am very grateful to have you💚💙

@kritiquer my twin!!! you and I have a lot in common so ofc I love you. I’m joking obviously.... anygays you are always so supportive of everybody and you are so sweet. I love all of your personal posts, it always makes me really happy to see what you’re up to and how you’re feeling. I also like the aesthetic stuff you reblog, I have bad taste in all that, clearly you don’t. I am so glad that we started talking and I hope that we continue! ily kit!!!!💜🤍

@bleachblondebitches you aren’t on here that much, but whenever you are I get so happy! Your gifs are beautiful and I think about your sobbe and booksmart parallels gifset every day. you have amazing taste in movies and I love you!💜💙

@lesbeanfatou clara!!! bitch!!!! You already know how much I love you but I guess I’ll reiterate. I honestly don’t know what I did before I knew you. I always remember looking at the no idea blog with the Nora icons like “who is this?” Little did I know back then that you would be one of my closest friends. your support of me means the world and I am so grateful for you. I’m so glad that I have somebody in my life like you to talk to and be friends with. you are one of the funniest people in and I just love you so much I could burst mwah❤️🧡

@gucciboner okay hiii ypu are literally so fucking kind and funny, i admire your sense of humor sm. your art is so beautiful and you are so goddamn talented, it never ceases to amaze me. I also love all the little funny posts you make and reblog!! ily💙💗

@helmtaryn even though you put supernatural on my dash, I am willing to forgive you bc I love you so much. your gifs are so beautiful like ma’am didn’t you just start?? icon shit. your hate for photoshop is iconic and you are awesome. you’re always sending me asks and responding to my posts and you’re so nice and it makes my heart go whooosh. anygays you’re cool and ily💙🧡

@starmansander nina when I tell you that you give off the best vibes- okay sorry I had to start with that. I love how you are so nice and supportive of me, it really means a lot. I really like the stuff you reblog like,,, cool art? pretty women? those hopeful little posts? iconic. also youre a noor stan which is a sign of good taste. love you🤎❤️

@ijzermanora daniiiiiii madam you are so epic and iconic and I really could go on about that forever. you are so kind and you’re following all my joke sideblogs (even the ch*cken l*ttle hate blog??? why???) which is very brave of you. I love reading all of your lil wholesome posts and hearing about school and how much you hate chemistry (even tho you like sushi???) anygays we were already sending memes 10 hours into our mutualship so I think we were soulmates from the very beginning. I love you so much and I have no idea what I did before i knew you💜💗

@alwaysin-myhead okay, you give off cool person vibes and I had to acknowledge that. your art is so beautiful and you are so incredibly talented!!! I hope to get to know you in the future🧡💛

@alexiaugustin here she is!!! the queen of good opinions!!! you are such a smart cookie and you use that power to make long paragraph posts that I can actually read without falling asleep. which is impressive honestly. never has a person been so kind and funny and genius in such a well rounded way (that makes no sense) I’m so happy that I have you in my life ilyyy💚💗

@ijntba hihi you’re such a sweet person and I literally love your skam blog sm. I am so honored that you’re using one of my icons you have no idea. even though I’m confused when you post about anime, I still appreciate your passion lmao. mwah💛🧡

@hidden-joy liz!! you are such a kind soul and I absolutely love looking at the things you reblog and reading all the nice things that you put in the tags, it’s always so sweet and supportive!!! we’re relatively new mutuals, but I do hope to get to know you better in the future!!!💚💛

okay sorry to group y’all together but @fudgetunblr and @alexiswoke I like just became mutuals with y’all but I do love you and I’m glad you’re here and I hope 2021 treats you well and that i get to know you better!!❤️❤️

aaand one last final message for max and sarah, i know yall wont see this but ily🧡 💜

okay yeah I know I already said this but I really do love each and every one of you so much and I am so lucky to have so many amazing people in my life💕💕💓💕💖💖💕💘💕💗💞💓💕💖💖💘💕💓

#MWAH💕#my mutuals are pretty fuckin rad #also don’t tell anyone but the hearts at the end are the colors I associate you with #or they’re as close as I could get #*makes this post*#*goes back to sleep*

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aclosetfan · 4 years ago

Note

For the Salty asks: 1, 3, 5 and 6?

Thanks so much for playing along! Ima be real with you 2 out of the 4 questions you asked really opened up a can of worms for me, and I’m so sorry. I put the less stressful ones first, and the other two are under the cut! Anyway, these were super fun to answer, but plz don’t hate me for it!! 😂😂

for anyone wondering, here’s the ask list: Salty Asks List

3. Have you ever unfollowed someone over a fandom opinion?

lmao yeah. It’s petty, but honestly, people’s personal morals really bleed through into their fandom opinions, and I’m not willing to put up with any unnecessary hate, especially in environments that are supposed to be fun. I’ve even blocked a few people. In the ppg fandom specifically, I’ve blocked a person who, I guess, thought it was necessary to try to gate-keep with racist/sexist/etc. terminology and ideologies, and I truly don’t have time for that 🤷‍♀️ (a lot of people probs know who I’m vaguing, but if you don’t, you’re lucky)

I can’t say I’ve ever unfollowed anyone for any innocent/not-in-conflict-with-my-morals fandom opinions. Usually, if I don’t agree with something, I just keep scrolling because lol whatever. Everyone’s entitled to their own opinion.

but ngl I have unfollowed people who just get annoying 😬😬 lol

6. Has fandom ever made you enjoy a pairing you previously hated?*

I went into this fandom without having too many preferences, so I didn’t have a pairing that I’ve previously hated!

I guess I could say that while I never really hated them, the color-mixing and color-clashing ships weren’t ever on my radar until I came across the fandom content. Now, I really like them! Particularly, Brick and Bubbles!

1. What OTPs in your fandom(s) do you just not get?*

Before anyone gets pissed off at me, before you get into my answer for this question, I’d like to really stress that you’ve got to go into it with absolutely zero fanon context. Like, erase all your headcanons from your mind. I’m dead serious. Because I literally DO NOT get why ANY rrbxppg ship would realistically work ever.

Okay, canonically, these six little funky science experiments were dead set on ending each other. The boys were absolutely horrible to the girls. And the girls literally KILL the boys. I know in fairytale romances, nothing stops love, but bruh, it’s hard to come back from murder 😂 And yeah, I know Clipsville showed the girls and the boys together as older teenagers, and they weren’t trying to kill each other, but that was an obvious gag. In the documentary, it was revealed that that particular “clip�� was made because a bunch of people wanted the boys and girls to interact again, and CN gave into the demand. (also, lol I know it super embarrassing, but I did watch the documentary. I just really like Craig McCracken) I just don’t think that realistically a canon pairing between the two sets of triplets would ever be considered a healthy relationship.

Also, ethically, I just—okay listen, I go back and forth with this allllll the time, but the ppgxrrb ships make me confront the “Would I sleep with my clone?” question way too often. Depending on my self-esteem, the answer changes each time. Like sometimes I’m like fuck yeah I would! Other times I’m like, ew, no, I’d have to consider my clone as a twin! I know counterparts aren’t technically clones, BUT the boys really do come across as identical to the girls in the show. The only difference really is their moral alignment (I’m nixing any gender argument). So, I’m like, omg, can I honestly pair these six together in any way??? Are they too close to each other genetically in some sense for this to be morally right??? Like if you ship Brick and Buttercup together, would that just essentially be shipping Brick and Butch/Blossom and Buttercup together in some messed up way??? Is Brick just Blossom, and Blossom just Brick?? Is it better just to ship color-matching instead of mixing???

On top of all of that, wouldn’t the boys and girls be pseudo cousins since Mojo was the Professor’s lab monkey? Technically, in canon, Mojo ends up being both sets of triplets “creator,” so could the rrb and the ppg be considered siblings of some sort? Some of you are probably like, wow, calm down. Stop thinking about it. They’re science experiments. It’s not so deep. Which I get, but I can’t stop, so let me hit you with something ten times worse: should the girls (or the boys) actually be considered biological siblings? Does sugar, spice, and everything nice make you genetically related? Nothing put in the stirring pot was organic—just a bunch of chemicals. If you ship the boys and girls together this could be a good thing! BUT, but, could some sick fuck use this information to somehow justify shipping siblings (ppgxppg or rrbxrrb) together??? This is a literal nightmare to think about!!

All in all, I can’t think about these pairings too much without getting caught up in the logistics of their existence even if they’re fictional lmaoooo! If it wasn’t for the fandom, I wouldn’t ship them together at all. I just think it’s amazing that the ships took off like they did lol, because their literal (fictional) existence is just one giant mind fuck for me. Anyway, I ship them at the end of the day, but tbh I do it with a bit of a guilty conscience. Is it morally correct to ship clone-like counterparts? Or should counterparts be treated like twins? Does it even fucking matter at the end of the day, it’s just fiction? I don’t know the right answer. But I do know the pairings don’t make sense.

Aside from the ppgxrrb, I don’t think there are many other BIG fandom wide pairings. Still, I just want to say that I don’t get why people ship Ace and Buttercup together. The pairing sounds off a few major alarms in my head for obvious reasons. There’s also a bunch of crack ships that involve crossovers with other cartoons. Generally, I don’t mind them, but it seems popular to ship Aku (from Samurai Jack) and Blossom together. And I’m real sorry to those devoted shippers, but again I do NOT get it. I see a lot of romantic fan art depicting romantic situations with Blossom still drawn as a child, and like I get Aku is an immortal demon, so “age is just a number,” but again, BIG ALARMS go off in my head.

5. Has fandom ever ruined a pairing for you?*

🙃 🙃 Kind of don’t want to answer this, but I will anyway because only a few people actually read my blog lolol, so lol, yep! And it’s the reds. Don’t shoot me lol. When I was in middle school, I got into this fandom, forgot about it, and then came back when I was hit by a round of nostalgia. I’m finishing up college now, and I can confidentially say that the fanon content for the reds hasn’t changed one bit. Or the demand for it.

I tended to find that a lot of red content follows many archetypes that I’m just not into. Their stories can get a real cringey, real fast. Blossom is always written like this “perfect, except she’s not (but she really is)” character. Like she’s the girl you WISH you could be, but she’s also going through a shit ton of stuff that no person IRL would be able to handle without having a mental breakdown. And sometimes, in some stories, Blossom does have a mental breakdown, but in a sexy way, so she’s still perfect. Generally, there’s still something problematic about Blossom that makes it easy for a reader to relate to her on some level, unlike the way people write Bubbles. And then there’s Brick, who’s broody, hyper-possessive or jealous, and hot figuratively and literally (gotta love the fire/ice trope). He’s the only boy—no! Wait!—the only person who could ever possibly outwit Blossom, and he is just so undeniably attracted to Blossom. They’re the smart power couple that should honestly just hook-up in Chapter One to save everybody time, but they don’t. Nah, they’ve got to survive at least two love triangles before they even consider admitting they’re attracted to each other.

And don’t get me wrong, none of that’s bad, but there are a million fanfics that go through the same song and dance with these two. And it’s kind of easy to tell when someone’s hardcore projecting onto Blossom because the type of person they’re personally attracted to is the way they write Brick. And I’m not knocking anyone self-projecting onto characters, sometimes people got to do that to give themselves a fun mental break, but bro, I don’t want to read about it. For one, smart broody assholes aren’t my type. Maybe when I was in middle school, but not anymore. And two, it’s just not interesting to me, which is a real shame since the reds are a majority of the fanon content.

Maybe if I found more red stories where the plot isn’t character-driven but plot-driven, so I see the romance between these two characters in a context where it’s not the main focus of the story, it would solve my issue with the pairing. I haven’t found many fics like that, though.

I can’t really think of any reds fic where I’m like ey, this aint bad unless it has a “major character death” tag attached to it lmao (which are always plot driven stories). However, in all honesty, since I’ve stayed away from red content for a while now, I don’t know the current state of things. Maybe there’s been a load more development for these two, or people have broken away from the same plotlines, but I’m too busy to check. I do browse people’s fic rec lists from time to time, but it sort of feels like everyone just puts the same fics on their lists and moves on.

And before someone’s like, “well, you can say all this about the greens or the blues,” just know I’m fully aware. The greens make me cringe too because there’s a shit ton of possessive and abusive storylines filling their story tags. And what makes me super uncomfortable is how people make Buttercup hit Butch or call him derogatory names, oftentimes unprompted. I don’t know why people make Buttercup such an unlikeable and overly aggressive person. I also don’t get why they make Butch some perverted idiot, but to each their own, I guess? Still, I see these green-character patterns most often in red-focused stories, which is another reason why I avoid them. I’ve found a lot of green-focused content that strays from the abusive tropes I try to avoid. Considerably less than I’d like, but the greens are typically the b-plot pairing, so that’s to be expected. Personally, I’d really like to see more content with the greens finding some kind of inner peace, and recently, I’ve seen a few fics that have tried to tackle this concept.

And lol, if you’ve read some of my posts before, you already know that I think the blues are an underdeveloped fanon pairing. The fandom can’t ruin that pairing for me because it never does anything substantial with it.

Anyway, at the end of the day, I’m just personally not into the way the reds are popularly written, but I get why people are and that’s good with me.

#salty ask game #lisathefan #an ethical debate in MY ppg post??? It's more likely then you think!#long post #ppg pairings #and all my issues with them #also im a firm believer in the block button being your friend!

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sweetjekyll · 4 years ago

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Writerly contemplation tag!

tagged by the lovely @j-pping; thank you for the tag!

this might end up being long so I’ll add a read more cut ☺️

2020

what was the most challenging part of writing this year?

I guess the most challenging part of writing this year was tuning out the real world. I’ve always used reading and writing as a form of coping and escapism from all the things that were troubling me. Unfortunately there were times when simply reading and writing weren’t helping me and I took so many breaks, postponed so many WIPs I was excited about... I ended up beating myself down for not being able to keep up with an expectation I had for myself and my writing. Considering 2020 was hell for everyone, I came to terms with myself that it cannot be always my fault, I can’t blame myself for not being able to do things I set my mind to do, sometimes there are obstacles that take time for you to cross.

I’m just going to quickly mention stressful anons and hopefully get a point across for all fan fictions writers. WE ARE NOT ROBOTS. WE ARE HUMAN. All of us write for many personal reasons, mine are that I just love writing things which I wish to read! Simple as that. What I wish for some rude people to understand is that the least you could do for us creators is be thankful and be kind to us, give feedback and constructive criticism, share our work. I don’t understand why you are scared of the reblog button. When I go through my notes and take a look at some blogs, they are empty. No one is paying us to contribute creatively to the fandom, you are enjoying our content for free while we put hard work and our free time into it, so why should we “hurry up”, “update faster” and “write more/this/that”? Please, remember that we are people too, and the toxicity some people spread on anonymous asks is just incredibly baffling and hurtful to me. If you, as a reader, believe that my request is nonsense and my words are too harsh, then perhaps you should reconsider how you’re viewing content creators before disagreeing without a valid reason.

what was the most enjoyable/rewarding part of writing this year?

The happiness that came from writing something which I enjoyed reading as well! I have been a writer for years on another platform until I had to take a long hiatus because of writer’s block and depression. For how cheesy this may sound, the most enjoyable and rewarding part of writing is in fact writing something that makes me happy even if I’m torturing my characters and traumatizing them. There is truly no point for me to write things that I don’t feel I am enjoying. As I have said other times before on the blog, I would much rather post something that makes me happy, than post something just to get notes from silent readers.

what piece has left the most impact on you and why?

Given the fact that I have not written a lot because of my constant mental health breaks (yes 2020 had me on rollercoaster mental breakdowns more often than usual), I have to say that Damaged is what really kept me entertained with myself and perhaps sane. It has been way too long since I’ve taken on something so creative as building an entire universe from just a dream, but it’s what reminded me why I love writing so much, it reignited my passion. With this story I really wanted to challenge myself to write something unique, something I’ve never done before with any other work... And I admit it’s quite difficult; the easiest part was taking inspiration from EXO’s lore, but the hardest was incorporating it in a universe and storyline completely different to the original concept. It’s something I’m set on finishing as a complete multi-chapter story no matter how long it takes.

what have you learned about yourself through the process of writing in the past year?

To be completely honest, I learned that I can push myself out of my comfort zone when writing, because every piece is a fictional world of its own, every character can be more than a copy and paste personality. What do I truly learn about myself if I don’t explore things I have not thought about before? I learned that I should not be afraid to write of things that I don’t know or fully understand, specifically about things that I didn’t post but tried for just for fun. It is a good way of finding out whether a certain subjects interests me or doesn’t. I love doing lots of research and gather information for the stories I’m writing, you get to learn about stuff you usually would never think about.

how has your writing changed in the past year? how have you grown?

Well, I don’t really have anything to compare my writing to except my older fan fictions for movies and tv shows. I guess I have changed quite a lot since 2018; my writing style has become more fluid, at least I think it has. I’m also able to write longer chapters without feeling as if I am dragging it out for the sake of the word count, yet now I have to literally stop myself from just writing too much! It pleases me, to be honest. I remember struggling to sometimes put ideas into words and balance narrative, dialogue and descriptions.

2021

ignoring your wips for a second, if you had all the time and energy in the world to write your magnum opus piece, what would it be about? why is that the dream story you’d write, all other things controlled for?

This can go back to Damaged, honestly! It’s something that I haven’t finished writing and it will be a long story. It’s the fan fiction which has gotten me out of a 2-year-long writer’s block with such strength, I feel truly attached to it. As I mentioned in one of my first answers for 2020, this is the WIP I want to focus on the most and be proud of it.

how do you want to grow in your writing this year?

I mentioned this is my first 2021 post after I took a short break, but one of my resolutions for this year is to work on self acceptance when it comes to my projects. (I’ll copy and paste what I wrote there so I don’t repeat myself with other words) One of my resolutions for 2021 is to write more, to not be afraid of beginning something and even if I end up setting the story aside, at least I will have gotten it out on (digital) paper. I punish myself way too much when I’m not able to finish something, and that is truly one of the worst things a content creators can go through, in my opinion. I have many drafted works that may or may never be published and I wish to appreciate them more instead of dwelling on the fact of what they could have been.

what’s one thing you’d wish to see in the fan-writing community this year?

I wish for more love and recognition of the amazing and talented writers that share their content with everyone on tumblr. We are a community, or at least we are supposed to be. I would absolutely love to see more readers actively interacting with writers, share ideas, share art inspired by what you read! As readers, you can contribute as well by sharing moodboards, song recommendations and/or playlists! You are more than welcome to join us in the community as writers too!

As for myself, I have mentioned this towards last year but I still want to compile a list of all the writers I am currently following and read their works. I haven’t been in a good mindset to do that for a long time and I wish to get to know them. I’m a pretty shy person who struggles to start up a conversation, so I hope I get to make some friends on tumblr this year!

name one new thing you want to try doing in your writing this year.

I would like to make a list of aus and experiment with them for either one shots or some short series! I have so many creative ideas and thoughts but I always forget to take a note or maybe I’m doing something else and I end up getting caught up in a stream of consciousness, until I lose the initial spark. Also mentioned plenty of times, I would love to write for other groups, like nct, but for now I’ll focus on exo.

✨✨✨

anyway, that was it for my writerly contemplation tag!

I’m tagging a few fellow writers, but feel free to ignore for any reason! sorry if I forgot someone but feel free to do this even if I didn’t tag you!! @pororodks @velvetsehun @yeoldontknow @yeagerluvr @soos-goddess @shaalk @mooneylooney1 @dewbebe

#tag games #writerly contemplation #happy new year btw!!!

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doakaptan · 4 years ago

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finally, ive lost the plot (and became the main character so here is an episode from the 19th season)

Before you start getting into this week’s blog, I must warn you that this is mostly me recounting our never-ending slow-burning two days of spring break alongside my longing for Stardew valley while I prepare for the Tableau Vivant project.

So when I was informed about the spring break, I thought I’d be able to at least sleep in for once and play a few games I tossed aside to focus on the second semester. (Mind you, It has been exactly 120 days since I played Stardew Valley for the last time and, my mental health has been gradually deteriorating ever since). Even though I’ve been studying here for a while, I looked over the fact that Bilkent never sleeps and successfully suppressed the upcoming projects in my mind.

I surpassed it to the point where I mindlessly traveled to my hometown and set up my monitor without a care to the outside world. I would probably not have cared if the house was burning down as long as I got to play Stardew Valley. I was peacefully tending my crops that were made out of 3 pixels at most when it dawned on me that I had yet to choose a painting for the tableau vivant project. I already had a few paintings in mind so it was not that much of a hassle to choose out of the ones I picked.

WelI, I was so sure that Rene Magritte’s Portrait of Stephy Langui wouldn’t get picked that I didn’t mentally prepare myself to create such set.

First of all, I am aware that we kinda had 21 days to prepare and shoot the footage but, hello this is Bilkent and I like making everything hard for myself so I had 2 midterms to attend, a few interviews aligned and a lot of hearts to steal. So yeah I did not work for 21 days straight (it would probably be better for my mental health if I did but I digress).

So yeah here I am in the middle of a breakdown because I realized that I have only a week left to prepare for a piece like this and I did not find a way to achieve the perspective or make the people or find a model. At that point I did not have anything but my phone and oh- ITS CAMERA IS BROKEN. I did what a mentally okay and ready person would do and cried for a whole day until it backfired and determination bloomed in the pits of my stomach. I was also playing Stardew Valley during my mental breakdown so I knew exactly how long I cried until I passed out.

Here’s my wedding in the game. I was in the middle of the introduction when I passed out so I kinda missed the entirety of it but at least I have a picture of my last sane moment.

While I was unconscious I had this weird dream about the game’s carpenter (which is funnily enough the mother of the npc I married). She told me that I was good at making wooden furniture and if I were to focus on it for the project I would have a solid starting point. My father told me the same thing a few days prior but, he is not a hardworking carpenter nor my game husband’s mother so I had no reason to listen to him.

(Also a little background information about me for contextual reasons: I am good at wood work because at one point, out of sheer frustration at the interior design and architecture department here (eskişehir) I started making couches and mini-sets out of wood.)

I woke up the next day knowing what I was going to do.

I had exactly 6 days to make up for all the procrastinating I’ve done so the first thing I did in when I woke up was to go out and look for a rock. It had been non-stop raining for 2 days and when I went outside the rain became even worse than it was before. So I did the obvious thing and dove into the muddy field of a random construction. The rock is great though I’m glad I was Shrek enough to find it.

Also here is a picture of the dogs that watched me find my inner Shrek:

The rock was the hardest part to get it right in my opinion so I the rest came naturally. I messaged a friend who I thought would be perfect to hang from a ladder for a few times for 1.30 minutes. She happily agreed and even went as far as to study the make up and hair of the women.

So, I only had the set and the two figures left to create. I went to my father’s workplace and used their materials for the greater good. Like I mentioned I’m good with woodwork so once I got the size of my model’s head I was unstoppable. I finished the set-piece under 2 hours and went home to make the figures.

Everything came out nicely with 4 days remaining and I thought I was really done with everything.

but the thing is.... I forgot the weather......

and the non-stop rain was not going to stop because I had a project I guess..

Anyways, I was mentally too deranged to care and ‘borrowed’ an Apple monitor from a university I cannot name in case of them finding me (I will return it when I’m done being sad over being poor thank you).

Here is the test shot:

It looked fine to me so I looked over the fact that my camera was broken and got to work with 2 days remaining and all the lectures fully back in action....

This project was more stressful then I imagined but I loved working on it regardless. I wonder if I would feel more at ease if I had an actual camera and not a malfunctioning broken phone camera but I digress. If I can kind of hopefully make it work on a broken camera I think I can keep up the will to work.

The search for the paintings were a lot of fun too. I’m really interested in surrealism and overly weird settings so I was happy this was picked for the project. Hopefully I learned my lesson and in the future remember it well enough to not make a model loosely hang onto a ladder for dear life and risk a lawsuit...

For future reference... crying and… stardew valley.......helps...... a lot…. 8/10….would recommend..... also.....would recommend........ crying enough to pass out and have a enlightening conversation with a 3 pixel carpenter.

#i went wayyy over the wordcount #are we surprised tho #anyways #im the main character #so here is an episode from my show #tableau vivant

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wiillatree · 5 years ago

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im afraid to read the new kingdom keepers books

let me first say this: the kingdom keepers series has changed my life. literally. i first read them in about 6th grade and then kind of forgot about them. i spent basically all of my preteen and teen years gobbling up ya literature, hoping and praying i could find a character like me. it felt like i never fit the mold. i was tall, pale, extremely skinny, and had this crazy frizzy/curly short brown hair that i had never seen another person possess in my life. not only that, but i had weird hobbies and was always super shy and quiet. i was thirsting for a character i could project myself onto and find myself in. i decided to re-read the kingdom keepers series near the end of 9th grade. i had just gone thru a really rough year of self-hatred and bad mental health. after i came out of this period, i didnt really know who i was. i didnt even really have anything to go off of. after this huge mental breakdown, i felt like there was nothing left of me. i had fallen apart and all of the pieces had fallen under cabinets and tables i couldnt reach under. but when i read the books again, something clicked. i could recognize myself in one character: willa. you see, ya novel characters are built to be brave and to possess many talents, because they all basically go through hell for our own entertainment. the beauty of the kingdom keepers characters is that they work as a team, which means they all have different strengths and weaknesses. not every single one of them is fit, or smart, or brave. they all play a different part. willa was the brains, the one that solved puzzles, the one that came up with a solution. i had never really experienced a character with that talent that wasnt also really athletic or brave. she was just a kid who liked to learn, like me. nothing more, nothing less. not only that, but our personalities matched too. our general demeanors and opinions were the same, even how we discovered and became interested in imagineering. this may sound weird, but sometimes when i read along with books, i answer characters questions or reply to comments in my head as if im involved in the conversation just for fun, and often me and willa would end up saying the same things. and then there was the appearance. note: yes, i am white. i am in no way saying me and willa look exactly the same, as she is suggested to be a poc, and im paler than the bottom half of a cow. going off the very brief book description, we both have dark brown hair and hooded eyes (hi i hate eyeliner sm thanx). when i go through fanart, i feel like im looking at myself a lot. even our haircut is the same! i just want to clarify real quick that i am in no way saying i am willa angelo incarnate or something. NO WAY. im just trying to emphasize that willa angelo gave me a home. not just her, but all of the character, and the whole book series itself. i had spent so much of my life feeling like i had no personality. it was a jumbled mess of earbuds i could not untangle for the life of me. but for the first time in my life. i felt secure. with willa, i felt like i finally knew who i was. i could answer personality tests and know for sure what the answers were. i could tell people if i was the mom friend or the cool friend or the funny friend. its not that i adopted her personality, its that by recognizing myself in her i finally saw who i was. willa angelo was a mirror. as i looked into a flipped version of myself that wasnt quite me, i was able to finally make out my features. so why am i scared to read the new series? well, as ive stated, this series means a LOT to me. im scared that if i read a slightly-different version, things i have already established in my head will change and everything will feel wrong. im also scared to enter the fandom. in my mind, the kingdom keepers series is set up a certain way. im scared that if others come in and share their headcanons and opinions everything in my head will start to crumble. and finally, im scared to let a younger audience into the fandom. yes, this is VERY selfish of me, and i am ashamed. i dont even know how to justify it. but im not ready to let this series go okay. rant over. i feel weird posting this. thats what i made this blog for tho. im sorry if u read this whole thing thru. i dont really intend for anyone to read this, i just finally wanted to get it out of my head. im sorry if i sound weird or deluded and now you have a bad impression of me. i swear im pretty normal haha. ps: willa isnt my real name, if u havent guessed yet. i go by it online because i feel comfortable when ppl call me it and i dont rlly want to spread my real name online

#kingdom keepers #willa angelo #im pathetic thx

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tempthornton · 5 years ago

Note

😴 - have you ever given up on a blog and regretted it?😘 - what charectors are you currently writing?😫 - do you prefer fluff, angst, or smut?

Okay, time to sit down for a long post, doing these out of order cause... I got a list:

have you ever given up on a blog and regretted it?

I don’t really ‘give up’ on blogs. I might not be active with them, but I never give them up. The few I’ve had to delete were crackpot ideas I didn’t get to really start. I have a lots of characters, but my characters never vanish. I might have someone I wrote about once and three years later I’ll be like ‘oh! I have lore now to back this character up. Part of that is what happened with Temperance. I wanted a witch from Drustvar and started to make her. But then I made another character who took my interest and Temp was put on the side until inspiration hit.

With Shadowlands coming and the fact that Drust magic is necromantic I thought I would mix one of my favorite books series as a child to reinspire me to play Temperance. So far it’s working. It also helps I have some amazing RP friends who want to meet my innocent witch. I find if I have at least a friend or two who want to play with a character the character stays as a more active blog.

do you prefer fluff, angst, or smut?

Ummmm.... All but with different reasons. I love me some good fluff because it helps give my character times to lick their wounds. Angst is fun if I want to torture a character. Like Temperance with her crush on Laurent is all me wanting to have some angst with her, Son’Ispa, and Alexander. As for smut... I have Quin for that. Quin is my hypersexual, bi to pansexual, Dom. He’s just, just the most controlled asshole I have and man he makes writing smut fun. I don’t write smut publically and I’ll only write smut with people I know well. It’s not something I do all the time though since sex gets really boring to write if that’s all you write, but I am always good for some foreplay scenes with him and his soulmate. They are my OTP and I will never change my mind about that.

what characters are you currently writing?

*cracks knuckles cause this is going to take a bit* I play the following characters. Complete with their Tumblr names:

Malura Underchild: @maluraunderchild

Mal is my oldest WoW character, before warcraft, she was a D&D character. Malura is a half high elf Timewalker and she has done everything. The last ten years in game playing her I have had her living with the Forsaken, being a soldier, being a ranger, living with the Tauren, she was a spy, a political manipulator, a leader, and just so much more. She’s really got a lot of baggage but she plays stuff off because if she focuses on it for too long... she realizes just how messed up her life as been. But Mal will always be my main, I might not play her as much, but she’s always in my heart.

Earl Darsa Carrington: @darsacarrington

Darsa is my loud mouth half Gilnean half Lordaeronian noble. More he’s a lord of Lordaeron but his dad’s family is Gilnean. He’s a giant of a man but has a heart of silver. Darsa used to be a drug dealer until a lot of stuff happened, he found out he was a noble woman’s bastard and now has an island outside of Tirisful Glades that lets Forsaken and humans live together. He’s also a monster hunter and wants to give monsters the option of a place to live if they won’t kill people outright.

Duchess Alle Beithloch: @allebeithloch

Alle... oh Alle. Alle is based on the Grimm’s Fairytale ‘Of All Kinds of Fur’, or as I lovingly call her ‘a Lovecraft Disney Princess’. She’s a very careful woman and has her Duchy as a haven for people who can’t fit in with the Alliance. There’s a lot of homebrew lore I use for her and I normally try to warn people before they RP with her. But if you ever need something for a storyline, Alle might have it. Her family specializes in making deals, but everything you ask for will come with a price. It might be as simple as a strand of hair, or your firstborn child, you’re never going to know with this woman. I am not including them separately, but Alle lives with 10+ sayaad who she considers her family. The woman has a soft spot for monsters and demons.

Quin: @subjectragnar

Quin is going to be going through some changes this year. With Shadowlands coming he’s about to find out some stuff about how he was born. Quin was an experiment by a select group of Kirin Tor, the experiment that made him ‘failed’ and as the product of the experiment he was banished and sentenced to death as a baby. His adopted father a then High Elf found him starving in the streets of Dalaran. Quin is something most mages fear though, he’s a black hole for all magics if your skin touches his skin your magic is negated for as long as he is touching you. It’s a big boon for him but he’s always seen it as a curse. Instead of using magic to solve his problems he became an engineer and after some really messed up stuff, Quin also became a serial killer who targets slavers and other horrible people of the world. I always joke Quin is what would happen if Batman and Jigsaw had an anti-magic baby. He’s really on the top of my list as one of my favorite characters though... And he’s half of my favorite OTP with him and his soulmate Alice ( @alas-ward)

Lorcan Beithioch: @lorcanbeithioch

Lorcan is Alle’s distant cousin. Yes they have really similar names, I messed up naming Alle at first and decided when I made some extended family for her that they would have the correct name. Lorcan is my Drustvar witch... the one who distracted me from Temperance. Lorcan is more on the Drust side, he’s paraplegic and uses Drust constructs to walk. He’s a bit of a savage, but his family is all like that. They’re not... normal and are very tribal in their thinking. For the last 100 years, they were preparing for a massive face-off with another family, now that they don’t have to worry about that anymore Lorcan’s clan has been relaxing and trying to reconnect to their noble cousins. Lorcan is also Olivia Lovecraft ( @olivia-lovecraft)’s biological cousin and Lorcan is very devoted to keeping his newfound family safe. This includes his soulmate @vermilion-valentine who is right now a ghost after being murdered in front of him. Lorcan actually feels the pain of her being dead, but he’s working on getting her a new body so they can be together again.

Lord Anthion Soulshade: @anthionsoulshade

Oh Anthion. Okay, Anthion is my grumpy vampire. Unless someone else plays a san’layn or other vampiric creature I normally keep him away from people. He has very limited morals and only cares about a few things. 1. His mate Alle Beithloch. 2. His children Quin and Alice 3...... nothing else. If your character is an enemy of the people he loves, he won’t think twice about trying to hurt people. Hence I keep him away from most RPers. Now, after that disclaimer, Anthion is a massive homebody and a bit of a grump. He’s undead but has a love of beautiful things and loves being around clever people (At least clever people who don’t insult him). He loves to cook, even if he can’t eat and he would be a psychologist in our world. His old experiments were studying the mind and seeing how it could heal or be broken. Now he supports Alle while pretending to be a void elf in the Alliance.

Dr. Carl Krogen: @carlkrogen

Technically one of my ‘newer’ characters Carl is loosely based on the Hellboy character Karl Kroenen. Carl is a relic hunter who is searching for immortality. After the fall of Lordaeroon he had a mental breakdown and started to have horrible survivor’s guilt. Being a skilled doctor he replaced his heart for health reasons and slowly made himself look undead. He’s not actually Forsaken but he looks like one and lives between the factions working for whoever will pay him the best. He’s currently dating Olivia Lovecraft and I am all down for this ship cause romantic immortality is so freaking adorable.

Isola Dia: @goddessinthemachine

Isola’s real name is The Machine. She’s one of Anthion’s experiments who... well her greatest wish was to become a god. She now lives as a living island in an undisclosed location and I originally made her be able to stop Quin if he went off the rails. Well people saved Quin and made him his vigilante self and Machine was given a body that looks like a living person. She’s been using it to travel the world and collect any technology she can so she can integrate it into her larger body. She’s a fun romp into me figuring out how someone would act if they believed they were a god, and Isola also scratches my H.R Giger love... cause she’s basically body and cosmic horror.

Temperance Thornton: @tempthornton

.... I almost forgot to write down Temperance. I don’t think I need to make too many introductions, but, Temperance was me watching Penny Dreadful and saying ‘it would be funny if the demon possessing the girl was just protective but still a monster’. Son’Ispa was made to be Temperance’s ‘guardian’ and I built up a few other cast of characters that might one day get their own blogs. Like Alexander, a void entity stuck in a human body? It just sounds like so much fun to write. I love it when big horrific monsters have to be human. It just makes me smile.

I have a lot of other characters I play, but these are the ones with blogs. I am debating about making Malura’s future boyfriend a blog, but I’m still feeling that out.

((Thanks for the ask @jacobdcheshyre))

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underoos-shield · 6 years ago

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without a word xii

summary: the more peter tries to run away from his demons, the faster they are

warning: lots of angst and grief and emotions

A/N: hey beauties, welcome to chapter 12. this chapter is dealing a lot with peter’s mental health. it is very different from all of my other chapters, as there is very little and almost no romance in this. sorry if you guys don’t like it. hope you enjoy🌷

<<11

y/n frowns at peter’s response, his hands were shaking and there were tears rimming his eyes. how can he blame himself for feeling like this? there isn’t a chance that peter caused this pain onto himself. he is too sweet, too caring, too perfect to even put himself in harm’s way. “tell me what’s wrong, peach”, she coos.

peter shakes his head and takes a breath to try to collect himself. he feels so weak, especially in front of her. this is the second time he’s been emotional around her and he’s embarrassed about it in more ways than he can describe. “please let me help you”, she whispers. she doesn’t know how to help peter through his almost nonexistent state so she takes it slow, softly talking to him and gently rubbing her thumb on his cheeks.

“you can’t”. peter’s hands shake as he signs and he takes a breath to collect himself. at any other moment he would be melting in her touch. his heart would be pounding and he would be gazing at her like she was the most precious jewel on earth. but he can’t feel like that now, and he can’t pretend to be okay because he isn’t. peter won’t ever be okay because he’s isn’t normal. he’s a waste of space that doesn’t deserve to have people like her in his life because he’ll end up disappointing them.

y/n doesn’t see that, though. she sees a bright boy who just needs to be loved

peter gently takes her hands from his cheeks and places them at her sides. there is nothing she can do to help him right now. he just needs to be alone. y/n’s heart breaks at the sight of peter. he looks so pale and lifeless and sick and she doesn’t know how to help peter through his almost nonexistent state so she takes it slow, softly talking to him and gently trying to calm him down.

the soft look she’s giving him breaks him so much that he cries silently in his locker, head resting in the crook of his folded arms.

even though peter silently rejected her a few moments ago, y/n’s by his side in an instant, rubbing his back soothingly. “oh, precious...”. she’s upset at herself for not being able to help him when he needed it. and she’s upset that peter is upset in the first place.

y/n lets peter have his moment, not wanting to intrude on his feelings. she just wants to be there for him. and peter is grateful that she’s by his side and comforting him. it was nice to not pretend to be strong all the time.

when his breathing slows down and his cries become small whimpers, y/n is patting his back, reassuringly. “who do i have to kill, angel?”, she jokes. peter laughs, a weak laugh because that’s all he has to offer right now... but it’s a laugh. and peter is grateful that y/n can make him feel a bit better when he’s at his worst. do you want to talk about it?”. y/n runs her thumb under peter’s eyes to collect the tears spilling from them. he shrugs, there’s not much she can do to help, but he supposes it would be nice to get his feelings out.

——

all y/n saw was red. she skipped her last period to take her fragile boy home, risking getting in trouble. she didn’t care at that moment. all she cared about was getting peter home safe and making sure he knew he was loved.

peter feels nothing the entire train ride home. not when she put a reassuring hand on his knee, not when she wrapped her arm across his waist to guide him, not even when she interlocked their pinkies. the harsh wind outside makes his nose red and his eyes a bit watery, but peter doesn’t feel a thing. he just feels blank. it’s like there was a whole in his heart.

when the pair enters the front door, peter doesn’t notice may standing in the kitchen. she’s making his favorite dinner, knowing peter would come home upset. his brain doesn’t process the feeling of warmth that his apartment envelopes him in. his fingers still feel cold and numb. y/n guides him to his room and makes him sit on the edge of his bed.

peter stares at the floor, looking straight through her as she crouches down to his line of view. he doesn’t know what to say or do and even though y/n is there rubbing her thumb on his thigh, his heart doesn’t allow itself to beat any faster. “you should get undressed, precious”, she whispers in hopes of jump starting some sort of reaction from him. any action would be better than the nothingness he’s giving her right now.

when peter doesn’t make any effort to move, she knows he’s gone. she shivers at how lifeless he looks. it isn’t the sweet boy she knows and cares so deeply for. y/n doesn’t know how long he’ll stay that way and peter doesn’t know either, but she doesn’t get upset at him for it. instead, she takes matters into her own hands and unties his shoes for him and slips off his jacket.

peter’s body moves almost like jello in her hands. there’s no resistance or struggle from him and it makes the sinking feeling in y/n’s stomach worse. she has to blink back tears as she gets him under the covers because this isn’t who he his. he isn’t cold and dead and distant. peter is blushy and smart and so wildly unique that she can’t even put it into words.

“i’ll be back, okay?”, y/n whispers with multiple cracks in her voice. she pecks his eyebrow and quickly turns from his room before she has a full breakdown.

may sees the young girl that is struggling to hold back tears and opens her arms. they both need a little comforting right now. y/n’s breath hitches and she’s sobs silently in may’s shoulder. “i’m so sorry about what he said to you”. may laughs slightly and rubs the emotional girl’s back. she finds it sweet how she cares for both her and peter.

y/n pulls away and takes a seat on one of the chairs in the small dining room. “how dare he yell at him! he knows what he’s been through and he knows how hard it is for him to come out of his shell and he just doesn’t care and deliberately makes fun of him for it?”, y/n is trying to keep her emotions at bay, but she’s so angry and needs to take out her frustration somehow. “he gave him an anxiety attack”, she says in disbelief. she couldn’t imagine anyone having a reason to yell at her precious boy. y/n sniffles and takes in a few deep breaths. she’s slightly embarrassed of her outburst, but she doesn’t say anything may doesn’t agree with. she lifts her sleeves over her hands and wipes her cheeks. “he’s such a sweet boy”, she whispers mostly to herself.

if peter was ...alive, his heart would flutter ever so slightly at how passionate she was being for his protection.

——

y/n talks to peter in his zoned-out state. she knows he can’t hear her, but she wants to be there for him. whether he acknowledges her presence or not. “hi, peach. i, um, i’m leaving now. i’ve been here for a while and i have to catch the train before i miss it...”. her voice was cracking after every few words. y/n sighs as he doesn’t move an inch, just like the past few hours. there was nothing she could to help him and her heart broke for her sweet boy. peters needs gentle touching and comfort and love. he doesn’t need anymore stress piled onto him, it won’t do any good. she just wants to help him. “so i’ll see you tomorrow okay?”. she strokes his cheek softly with the back of her hand.

y/n looks over his features, not recognizing him. his eyes aren’t as bright as they usually are and his cheeks aren’t as warm and the nervous smile he always has on his lips wasn’t making an appearance. he was almost a stranger to her. y/n lets out a silent sigh and moves to take her hand from his cheek.

she flinches as his cold fingers wrap around her wrist. peter reaches his hand up and squeezes lightly, almost to the point where she would miss it if she wasn’t paying attention. he just wants to let her know he’s there and he’s listening and he appreciates her. but a gentle hand squeeze is all he can offer right now, he’s still not emotionally stable.

so peter just loosely holds onto her, and it’s almost as if he’s trying to hold on to his sanity.

chapter 13

——

taglist: @cheedee @spideychronicles @lovelyh0lland @iamburdened @petersshirts @parkersletters @yourpal-yourbuddy-yourbuckyy @hollandandi @smexylemony @breathinholland @cutesparker @farfromjustordinary @marvelfanatic02 @xxxxdelenaxxxx @squizzlemadizzle @peterpxrxer @lushholland @tomshufflepuff @carry-on-ms-believer @unicorntrooper @lilsurfergirlie-blog @nostalgictom @fancyxholland @breathinholland @mandatheredpanda @tomblrholland @cloudyyparker @timelock97 @dutifullybrieftimetravel @superwholockwannabe @cutesparker @telranvlak @bitchacho25 @beedudu @stylemute @lustfulcry @me-a-hopeless-romantic

sorry if i forgot anyone, please let me know if i didn’t tag you!

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thesinglesjukebox · 5 years ago

Video

youtube

CAROLINE POLACHEK - SO HOT YOU'RE HURTING MY FEELINGS

[8.00]

This, though, we think should be a hit now.

Wayne Weizhen Zhang: i feel personally attacked by this relatable content [8]

Julian Axelrod: Caroline Polachek has spent most of her career trying to hide Caroline Polachek. She's operated within bands, under monikers, and behind other artists, parceling out pieces of her genius but never showing her full hand. "So Hot You're Hurting My Feelings" is Caroline's coming out and coronation, a reintroduction to her astonishing range of talents for anyone who forgot. It's also a full-bodied bop, sleek and lithe without sparing an ounce of impact. The gleaming 80s prom synths and cave sprite backing vocals promise a pop fantasia, but her bleakly hilarious cries for connection feel like a sendup of diva desperation. The most thrilling moment might be the bridge, when her wordless wail is vocodered into oblivion. Ironically, Polachek obfuscates her voice to create her most singular expression to date. And when she's done, all you can do is gasp. [9]

Hazel Southwell: Wow Frou Frou are back right in time to soundtrack my mid-thirties breakdown as well as the mid-twenties one! Except this also has a nice bit of chugging Fleetwood-Mac-by-way-of-HAIM guitar so it's tickling all kinds of aesthetic pressure points. It gained a whole two points from me for the embarrassing sax solo in the breakdown, that's a real stomach-curling squirm of a crush right there. [7]

Oliver Maier: "So Hot" doesn't push into exciting new frontiers like "Door" and "Ocean of Tears" did. Indeed, the "The Middle"-esque vocoding on the hook and relatively conventional arrangement suggest a mainstream sensibility that isn't so much absent from Pang's other singles as it is wrestled into Polachek's own pop framework. Here she's mostly content to play ball, and the result is a straightforwardly great song, still with enough eccentric turns of phrase ("X-rated dreaming"!), sticky melodies and frenzied vocal solos to stay a step ahead of the competition. I could see the abundant quirkiness being grating to those less convinced by the elegant architecture of C-Po's songcraft, but I'm helplessly charmed by both. [8]

Alfred Soto: Fans of Haim's precisely deployed synth chug will warm to Caroline Polachek's latest single: 2013 as 1987. She's gotten more assured since the Chairlift days: check out the vocal distorted unto death and into a solo. [7]

Michael Hong: Caroline Polachek is trying to keep her composure. She's out at the party, attempting to be cool, attempting to live her life. But at the same time, she's quietly suffering, counting the days her partner's been gone. "So Hot You're Hurting My Feelings" is as slick as the best of Chairlift, with lines worthy of its title, like "I cry on the dance floor, it's so embarrassing," delivered without an ounce of self-pity but with Polachek's biting humour. Her attempts to appear collected fail from the outset, but her frustrations come to head on the chorus when she sings "get a little lonely babe" and the desperation and desire in her voice become palpable. Polachek's composed vocals over the heavily processed ad-libs perfectly capture the mental anguish of a long-distance relationship, her outward poise giving way to the inward chaos. [9]

Kayla Beardslee: I've been listening to "Door" a lot lately (a 10, by the way), and one of the many things that's grabbed me about the song is how impressively detailed it is: I'm still discovering nuances in the production after a double-digit number of listens. "So Hot You're Hurting My Feelings" is a less complex experience than "Door" -- a name-brand lollipop instead of a box of chocolate truffles -- but it has the same attention to detail that makes playing it over and over and paying close attention so rewarding. The three claps in the verses, the "aah-aah"s panning right and left, the electric guitar strum (I think) at the end of the chorus, the gasps and "Woo!"s peppered throughout -- god, inject this shit straight into my veins. And, of course, Polachek's vocals are on point, even behind the tasteful vocoder; her voice climbing and falling on "it's so emBArrassing" is an entire journey on its own. "So Hot" is sparkly synthpop designed to go down easy, but there's substance in it too, for those who want to look for it. [9]

Isabel Cole: The lyrics unfortunately don't live up to the OTT promise of the excellent title, squashing my hopes for something exuberantly agitated along the lines of an emotion I still only know how to describe as "blogging about One Direction in 2013" in favor of a fairly banal exploration of the angst inherent to long-distance love. I do like the burbling production, with its funny little stream of disembodied vowels winding through behind the verses. [6]

Joshua Lu: An adroit tiptoe along the line between horny and tender, unconcerned with appearing too desperate or silly -- or with enunciating properly. [7]

Will Adams: There's a certain melodrama that comes with relating embarrassment ("I could have just DIED!"), particularly with intense crush feelings for a former flame, that "So Hot" nails. It's there in the gasp before the final chorus, the way Polachek's distorted vocal wails as the backing vocals murmur "show me the banana" and the song's title. While the previous Pang singles took time to wiggle their way into my head, "So Hot"'s charms are immediate. [8]

Kylo Nocom: The Aces via Forevher era Shura shouldn't sound endearing, yet Polachek is a vocalist and songwriter entertaining enough to sell it completely. "X-rated dreaming" is a clunky phrase, but I'm obviously reaching, damn it: the song exists for the title and it's a great one. [9]

Jacob Sujin Kuppermann: Caroline Polachek makes music that is almost too perfectly formed-- rhythms that sound like perfect tessellations, dazzling vocal performances with leaps and runs that are almost inhuman, synths that sound wrought from glass. The only thing preventing it from being intolerable is the stuff she's singing about, the fundamental vocabulary of longing that her work, whether solo or in Chairlift (RIP), speaks. "So Hot You're Hurting My Feelings" is just another manifestation of a running theme in her work, but it stands out for its directness and messiness-- she's not just crying in public but on the dancefloor, pining in ways that are almost outside of society. It doesn't all work on the record (the bananas on the bridge are a little hokey) but it feels so deep it can't be avoided. [8]

Stephen Eisermann: A sexy little song that owes much of its sex appeal to Caroline's voice, the harmonies, and my god that production. It's crisp and clean, like the white dress shirt my fantasy man wears; the one I thought of as I closed my eyes and listened to this song. Lust in song form, this one. [7]

Joshua Copperman: So good it's hurting my feelings: I keep wanting to save my [10]s for songs that feel Big and Important, like "Slip Away" or "The Joke." Maybe something that doesn't have immediate political importance but stands on its own, like "Cellophane." (Being co-written by a transgender woman when the Supreme Court is about to decide whether transgender people can be fired on the basis of their identity might qualify this song, but I don't want to reduce Teddy Geiger to her gender.) From the opening line, which seems to swipe from Robin Williams' character in mid-2000s Blue Sky Studios comedy Robots, it's clear that this isn't exactly a deep song. Instead, "So Hot" is perfectly goofy songwriting, down to a bridge where Polachek chants "show me the banana, na na na na na" while also performing a guitar solo with her voice. Even better, it's a three and a half minute pop song, so it doesn't have time to meander like "Door." There isn't anything personal or political about this, but that doesn't even seem to cross Polachek and co's mind. Losing oneself in a pop song is just about the most overused trope in all of music criticism, but there's something to not being serious or even defiantly silly. It's just fun for the sake of fun, which is hard to justify as a [10]. Except maybe that was the whole point of this poptimism thing. In that case... [10]

[Read and comment on The Singles Jukebox]

#Caroline Polachek #pop #music #music review #writing

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