#i forgot damien i’m so sorry damien lovers

[welloes]

my new extra artstyle doodles and stuff horray

also begone same face syndrome

[autisticempathydaemon]

For the matchups /np <3

What song are you fixated on at the moment? What lyric or verse, and why?

At the moment it’s Vienna by Billy Joel, ‘she’s always a woman’ is one of my favourites ever and Vienna just hits right as I feel like I’m behind a lot of the friends that I grew up with atm. (My fave parts are ‘you’re so ahead of yourself that you’ve forgot what you need’ and ‘ you can’t be everything you wanna be before your time’.

What is your Enneagram type?

I don’t know my enneagram sorry but I know my personality type is ENFP if that’s any help :)

Tell me about your childhood imaginary friend.

Funnily enough he was a dog, like I used to just imagine I had a dog and he’d follow me around, sometimes he’d talk and sometimes he wouldn’t and he was named after ‘Balto’ from the animated movie.

What is your go to way to fall asleep?

I don’t really have one, I usually end up waking up not remembering falling asleep in the first place. I basically just wait until I’m tired enough for it just happen.

If you had to change your name, what would it be, and why? (In tandem, if you have changed your name, why did you pick that one?)

Although I wouldn’t like to change my first name, as I think it suits me, I did change my last name to my Grandma’s maiden name after she’d told me she was sad that she couldn’t keep it when she married my grandad.

What Redacted boy holds no appeal to you, and why? Like, not the one you hate but the one who you don’t get the hype for. (I won’t judge, I promise.)

I feel awful about this one, but Guy. I don’t dislike him or anything but I’m also not necessarily excited when he gets an upload. I’m also not sure why, he just doesn’t hit the same for me as he seems to do for a lot of other people.

Tell me about that one book/movie/tv show you know all the words to.

Fantastic Mr Fox. I love it, I love the framing and the colours and the characters. They’re all very ‘human’ in different ways and the moment between Foxy and Felicity near the waterfall is so relatable I want to eat it.

Which Redacted boy are you platonically attracted to? Like- forget dating, which dude do you want to be your best friend?

SO MANY. Like the entire D.A.M.N squad. I love all the characters and I don’t mind anger but if Damien directed it at me I’d get defensive and that wouldn’t make for a good couple. Gavin, I wouldn’t really like my partner flirting with other people, Huxley I enjoy hiking but simply can’t picture myself dating him because he’s with Damien etc etc

Do you have a go-to thing you ramble about when you’re tired, and if so, what is it? (For example, my boyfriend knows I’m ready to sleep when I start talking about space.)

The signal for me being tired is actually that I go very quiet/ not talkative. But if I was to ramble about something it would probably just be about things that had happened irl, old funny story’s and stuff (or whatever fandoms I’m in at the time depending on who I’m with).

Tell me your go-to gas station and drink combo.

Red Bull. Always Red Bull. 🧎🏻

Extra’s: My favourite colour is green. I love movies, reading/writing and animals. I’m a Libra. My love languages are acts of service and physical touch but again, depending on the person.

Thank you!

As always, I love it when I am given so much information to work with! You seem so lovely and agreeable, it’s hard to think with whom you wouldn’t work well. Somehow, the “loving animals” bit convinced me, because what’s better for an animal lover than our beloved beta boy who can turn into a wolf on a whim?

Asher strikes me as the type of guy who works best with someone like himself. He works well with everyone, by his nature, but you and he would have so many similarities that being together would be wonderfully easy. It’s the big things like your extroverted natures and your compatible love languages. Yet it’s also the little things like your shared love of hiking and caffeinated battery acid (I say affectionately as a Strawberry Apricot Red Bull fiend).

You’d be the sort of couple who operate like well-oiled cogs of a machine, like one of you was a telepath, that’s how naturally you communicate and maneuver around each other. It’s a wonderfully comfortable, joyful life that the two of you have. There’s lots of alternating days of him showing you Halo and you showing him new, interesting movies, countless lectures from David about y’all having to drink something not poisoned with taurine, and so, so much love.

Song:

I confess, I messed up/ Dropping "I'm sorry" like you're still around/ And I know you're dressed up/ Hey kid you'll never live this down/ You're just the girl all the boys want to dance with/ And I'm just the boy who's had too many chances

I’ve just got to give the boy a FOB song, you must understand; I also think it’s a really fun choice for y’all. I love the movie references, the fun, boppy tempo, the dramatic, theatrical way Asher would fall to his knees on the kitchen floor as he belts it out at you in true, emo kid fashion. It’s infectious, and you would be helpless to either sing or headbang along.

Runner-ups:

This was hard. Again, I feel like you could pair well with just so many people; narrowing it down to two was an ordeal. In the end, I like Anton for you because you two contrast in a lot of the ways you and Asher compare. Also, I chose Sam as a runner-up for you because you two hiking together would be really cute. Also, You/Sam is giving kind of David/Asher but in another font, and I love Dasher /lh

note: thank you so much for waiting 💕

Read this post and send me an ask if you’d like a match-up of your own! 💌

[beewithknee]

icarus

IMPERIUM SPOILERS BELOW!

damien x angel

t.w - abusive relationships, abuse, damien being shitty, manipulation, uhh I think that's all

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Damien was… he was a leader. And at some point, you did love him. He was bright and he burnt with such intensity that it made it impossible to look away. Your lover was once a great man, maybe even a good one, but. Well, time changes things, you supposed.

Damien was like the sun; a hot, unattainable goal that you could usually only admire from a distance. But you loved that, loved that he was always just out of reach. it gave you a challenge, let you further yourself. Let you escape…until it didn’t.

“Firefly?! Where are you?” The voice sent a horrifying shudder through you. “I’m right here, my king.” You hummed back, voice trembling slightly. He opened the door to the bathroom, letting you see him fully. He looked crazed, his hair was a mess and the burns on his hands looked painful. Despite everything, you couldn’t help yourself. You climbed higher in the sky, just getting hotter. “Let me help. Please.” You begged, gaze fixated on his hands. Scoffing, he thrust his left hand into your grasp. “Do what you want I suppose.” You grabbed the alcohol wipes and the bandages. You cringed as you thought about his reaction to the stinging pain of the antiseptic. “Are you gonna do this or just waste my time? A king has many issues to attend to and your persistent needs are not one of them.” You flinched, having to bite your tongue to refrain from making a comment about how he was the one who came to find you. Instead you busied yourself with cleaning his hands. Hissing, he clenched his teeth. Minutes later you were done and Damien was bored.

“Now, would you like to come to this meeting with me? Or would you like me to get one of my bodyguards to look after you while I'm gone?” The question sounded genuine, but you knew there was a right answer. You were screwed if you got it wrong. “Your bodyguards should be fine” You answered, you could see the visible shift in Damien’s attitude. His shoulders grew tense and his eyebrows furrowed. Fuck.

“Oh?” He raised a singular eyebrow. Your eyes went wide. You had fucked up. “So, you don’t wanna come to the meeting with me? What, are you embarrassed of me? Of us? I’m the king, you should feel lucky that I even give you the time of day.” You could feel the heat, your wings quivered slightly. Rapidly shaking your head, you tried to compose yourself. “Not at all, my king. I only figured that I would be an unnecessary distraction, that's all. But if you would like me there, I’d be more than happy to attend the meeting with you.” You tried to soothe, voice steady and calm. Your heart was racing so fast you swear you had just run a marathon. Damien walked closer and you had to fight every instinct in your body to not flinch away from the man. “Well, I suppose you’re right, for once. You would just be taking my attention from far more concerning matters.” You breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe Daedalus was wrong after all. A hand was brought up to your cheek, breaking you out of your thoughts. Flinching, you met his eyes. Something bright burnt in them, something fierce and downright terrifying.

“Firefly. Did you just flinch away from me?” Poorly concealed anger. That was the only way to describe what Damien sounded like in the moment. Inhaling a shuddering breath, your mind raced, desperately trying to think of an excuse. “I’m sorry Damien, I was just caught up in my head. I forgot I was standing here for a moment.” You half-smiled. The king gave you a grin back, shit. Something was wrong. He didn't smile like that. Glancing around his face, you noticed all his tells that you had come to depend upon. His left eye twitched so minisculely that if you hadn't been looking, anybody could have overlooked. The slight tension in his shoulders. The clenched jaw. Oh shit.

“Ah, I see.” Like a predator toying with its prey. You were stuck with a lion and had no chance of escaping. “Thank you for understanding.” His lips twitched upwards, a barely there smile. What?

You were so confused. He turned his back, getting ready to leave. You didn’t know what the hell had just happened but you knew it wasn’t good. He stood tall and confident, he held the air of someone who knew something you didn't and just how to use it against you. “Oh and firefly?” He turned back to look at you, you snapped your head up, trying not to make it worse. He started towards you, footsteps slamming against the tiled floor. You could feel the heat melting you. It was so intense and painful, you didn’t know how to function. The sharp pain flared all through your left cheek, right up under your eye. Like scolding hot wax had been poured over your face. Tears gathered in your eyes and your jaw went slack. You could see him clenching and unclenching his bandaged fist with a sick satisfaction “Don’t ever call me Damien. I am your king and you should do well to remember that.” Shutting off all emotions, you smiled.

“Of course, my king.” Smirking, he strided off. You heard the lock click shut as he exited. Collapsing to the floor, you only had one thought.

You flew too close to the sun.

[madhare0512]

Dark gets really injured and Wilford having flashes between losing Damien and the present

I actually have a fantastic idea for this! As a side note, it is canon to the universe I've created that Dark is a fusion of Damien and Celine.

content warning: mentions of blood, mentions of knife wounds, gunshots, murder, past abuse

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wilford doesn't really remember being William. He doesn't remember a lot about his past life with the twins and he knows that it hurts Dark every time it's mentioned or brought up again. Wilford could rarely remember why.

He'd taken to writing things down. The things he remembers go down on post-its to be pinned to a board where he tries continuously to piece together his life of the past. He'd forgotten so much, he didn't want to forget any more.

Wilford and Dark where out on a call, finding someone who had betrayed the mafia. They hadn't planned on their being traps laid for them. Dark was of magic lineage and Wilford was scrappy, they could usually handle things.

They couldn't this time.

Dark sits in a pool of his own blood, bleeding out slowly from a wound made by a demon's staff. He was talking, mumbling deleriously under his breath. "T... Take it out, Will. You have to take it out."

Wilford was suddenly thrust back into his past. He watches, wide-eyes as a younger version of Dark pleads with William to take the knife out of his stomach. The vision warps and Wilford is staring at Dark again.

Wilford shakes his head, leans down. "Keep pressure on it, gotta keep pressure," he says, far too jovial.

Dam- Dark cries out, calls for William again.

Wilford gasps, thrust into a vision of a long stair case. Dark, no Dami- Dark? climbs the stair case before him. "I know what he did to me, William," echoes in his head. "I won't let him hurt me anymore."

Dark cries out again, this time fearful and Wilford take the gun off his hip and whips around, aiming it and shooting before he registers what scared his brot... brother? Friend? Lover wasn't right... was it?

"You... remember?" asks Dark. But no, that wasn't Dark.

When Wilford glances back down, Dark's left eye had turned sapphire blue. "You aren't Dark," Wil says.

The expression on not-Dark's face is wistful and heartbroken, "Ah, you don't. That's alright. You will remember someday."

"Who are you?" Wil asks.

"My name was Damien. In another lifetime, you where my best friend and my lover. You forgot me." Damien says all of this factually, like he's not shattering his own heart with every word. From the look on his face, it's safe to say that, yes, Damien's heart is breaking.

Wil is thrust back into the vision. Damien walks away, back turned on Wil to go be with his sister. "Wait!" Wil pleads.

Damien turns back, eyes curious.

Wil hesitates. "Be safe," he pleads.

Damien offers a smile and a nod. Then he's gone, the door creaking shut ominously behind him as if to foretell what would happened in the room locked behind it.

Hardly 5 minutes go by before there's a bright light and Wil is running up to the door. It refuses to open, sealed not by lock but by something Wil cannot break. There's shouting for inside. "Damien!" Wil cries. "Celine! Open the door!"

But neither answer him and when the door opens, neither are inside the room.

Wilford shakes himself from the vision. Damien is smiling at him gently. The expression looks so wrong on Dark's face. The Damien reaches up shakily to wipe at Wil's cheek. It's then Wil realizes he's crying.

"I lost you," William whispers.

"You didn't. I'm still hear, Will." His voice his quiet.

"But you're not. Not as Damien. You're Dark." William gasps, "Oh, I've forgotten you. I've been standing with you for years and I've forgotten you."

"Don't worry. I understand," Damien says. A tears slips down from his glowing blue eye.

"You've watched me fall for JJ," William protests, sitting back on his heels while keeping pressure on the stab wound.

"Dark fell for Anti," Damien replies, voice fainter.

"Stay with me. Where's Celine?" William asks as Damien's eyes begin to droop.

Damien smiles weakly. "She's trying to fix this. Trying to reverse the poison in our blood."

William feels more tears slip down his cheeks.

"Don't worry. It's doesn't hurt anymore," Damien says.

William doesn't know what happens next. He knows that they somehow made it to the hospital and that Dark had survived. He knows he held that damn pressure for almost 7 hours before Anti and Google found them and they made it to the clinic. Those 7 hours are now gone, just like most of his memories, but by God, does William still hold on to one fact as the mute puppet-master holds his hand in the waiting room.

Damien and Celine are still aware in Dark's head. And William hold onto the fragile strings of his sanity for all he's worth to finally say an official good bye to his former lover.

Henrik tells William he can go in Dark's room and Wil kisses JJ's cheek and bolts over. Dark's left eyes still glows blue.

Wil still has time.

He stops in the doorway, uncertain, but then steps forward. "Damien?" he asks softly.

The other glances over with a smile, "Will."

"My grip on sanity is faded fast. I won't remember this conversation soon," Wil says apologetically.

Damien smiles, another thing that looks wrong on Dark's face, "Don't worry. I'll remember."

"I wanted to tell you goodbye," Wil steps further into the room.

Damien offers a hand. Wil takes it, stumbling over his words.

"I'm sorry I keep forgetting you. I'll try to remember this time."

Damien's smile turns sad. "I'll remember."

William sighs, "I'm sorry."

Damien shakes his head. Wil's grip on his sanity fades a little more. "I love you," Wil says and this time, it's as himself. William, not Wilford.

Damien nods, "I love you."

The tenuous hold breaks and a goofy grin takes up his face. "Looks like you've gotten yourself in a pickle, Dark!" Wil says.

The glow in Dark's eyes fade and a scowl replaces the smile. "I have."

Damien retreats tk the outskirts of the mind, where he and Celine stay when not pushed to the forefront.

"I'll try to remember this time," echoes all around him.

I'm sorry, my love. We've already had this conversation 6 times. Maybe this time, it'll stick.

thank you so, so much, Meteor. @meteormoss

[beyscape]

The Intern - 4

Andy Barber x Reader

Summary: Being Andy’s intern meant you got to spend more time by his side more than anyone. This was fine, however, until feelings got in the way and made things complicated

Warnings: swearing, age gap relationship, implied sex, technically cheating

Word Count: 3754

A/N Contains spoilers from episodes 1-6! 9 Crimes by Damien Rice kept coming up in my shuffled playlist when I was writing this, thought that was interesting,,

Ch.1   Ch.2   Ch.3   Ch.4   Ch.5

  The room was quiet. The only sounds were coming from the man laying beside you, and even those were rare. You watched the dark blue shade of the sky grow lighter as the sun rose slowly, not daring to move out of the fear of disturbing your lover beside you. You knew how hard it was for him to get a good night’s sleep. You felt his fingers twitch slightly from where they lay on your waist.

  The sneaking around was proving to be harder than you both had thought. Well, you hadn’t really thought about the technicalities of this whole thing, but still. Ever since that night you had first shared such an intimate moment in the hotel, both you and Andy had decided it was too hard of a task to keep away. That meant, almost every night since then, Andy found a way to sneak out of his bed and into yours. He came when everyone was fast asleep, when there was nothing but the moon and the stars to hold witness, and left with the first rays of sun. You knew it was all borrowed time, only a couple of hours bliss, and it was coming to an end already as the sun blinked lazily. Andy’s slow and steady breathing was warm on your shoulder, you felt a small kiss placed right under your shoulder blade.

  You shifted from where you lay, now facing him. His hand remained on your waist, holding you close. His blue eyes were still halfway closed, eyelids heavy with sleep. The tips of your fingers traced his cheek gently, Andy smiled at the touch. He was slowly getting used to the affection he once forgot the feeling of, it kept him grounded. Sane. In a time when everything felt so out of control and so wrong, he was glad to have found his anchor. His safe haven. He pulled you closer.

“Andy,” you whispered, your eyes searching his face, savoring every last detail like you did every morning.

“I know.” He sighed, well knowing he had little time before having to leave the warm bed and go back to his equally cold house.

In the next twenty minutes he was up and dressed, and disappeared into the beginning day after kissing you one last time. It was never easy; your heart would ache and protest every time you had to go back to merely being ex-colleagues. Your only consultation was knowing you would be able to throw yourself into his arms when the night fell.

You slept for what felt like only five minutes after Andy left, and would have slept more had it not been for the shrill ringing of your handphone form the night stand. You blindly reached an arm out, refusing to open your eyes, and brought the phone to your ear.

“Neal? Yeah I was sleeping,” you shot up, fully awake as Neal gave you the news, “Alright I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

You pulled on your clothes and grabbed your stuff with a practiced speed, well aware that you had no moment to waste if you were to make it to work with minimal scolding. You also had a pit stop to make before that. Soon enough you were in front of the bright red door of the Barber house, trying to gather up the courage to knock. You had been in the house before, when you helped Andy with carrying some files, but that was before getting romantically involved.

“Y/N?” someone called, sounding out of breath, you looked up and met the person you were trying to avoid. Well, not really trying as you stood right in front of her house, but you were hoping she would be on her jog. Laurie, much to your dismay, returned from her jog in that same moment.

“Laurie, hi!” you stammered, somehow managing to smile. You tried not to look at the wedding ring on her hand, or think about how her husband was in your bed just a couple of hours ago.

“It’s been a while,” she weakly smiled at you and you didn’t blame the woman, “is Andy not home?”

“Oh, I haven’t knocked yet. I was afraid I’d wake you guys up.” It wasn’t entirely a lie. “I have something I need to talk to him about.”

“Is it about Jacob’s case?” Laurie’s eyes widened.

You bit your lip. “I don’t know yet, that’s why I need to talk to Andy first.” Laurie nodded, and ushered you in.

“Andy,” she called, “we have a guest.” Laurie turned to you; expression grim as she tried to give you another smile. “I’ll be upstairs, I need a shower.”

“Who came at this hour—” Andy appeared on the stairs, and stopped. “Y/N.” His gaze flickered between you and Laurie. You swallowed.

“Well, I’ll leave you guys to it.” Laurie left, barely even looking at Andy. A breath you didn’t know you were holding escaped your lips. Andy lead you to the kitchen wordlessly.

“What are you doing here?” He finally asked, satisfied with the distance. Relief washed over you as you noted the tone of his question, he wasn’t angry. Instead, he seemed almost concerned.

“I’m sorry for coming like this, I wasn’t sure what you’d say.” Your words were barely above a whisper. He immediately shook his head.

“I know you wouldn’t without a good reason.” His gaze looked over you.

“We have Ben’s phone. Neal just called me, and I have to go to the courthouse as soon as I can. He’s probably gonna try and keep it hushed, so I figured you should know.” You breathed out; chest heavy. Andy’s eyebrows raised, thinking.

“Thank you so much for telling me,” he muttered, looking over his shoulder before his fingers grazed yours slightly, not daring to do more.

“Just, wait for like a day, alright? It’ll look suspicious if you go and request to see the evidence so soon. He can’t know it was me.”

“I know, baby girl,” he said quietly, “I’ll give the tall bastard a day to gloat before coming in with Joanne.” Jacob barreled in just then, coming to a halt upon seeing you. He didn’t say anything if he noticed the way you and Andy jumped back when he came in.

“Y/N, hi.” He greeted you with a small smile, “are you staying for breakfast?”

“Hi Jacob. I was just actually leaving. Had something to discuss with your dad.” You gave him an apologetic smile before turning to Andy. You nodded, not really meeting his eyes. he did the same. You dashed out of the house with a quick goodbye to Jacob, it was too hard to stand there and look at Andy while his son was right next to him and his wife upstairs. You rested your head on the steering wheel for a moment, before driving off to work; you were already late.

 ------------

Andy kept his word and gave you and Neal one day with the phone before telling Joanne what he knew. You were at the courthouse with Neal the next day, looking into some other evidence for another case when you finally left Duffy’s office and saw Andy at the end of the hall. You froze as your eyes met. Yu couldn’t read anything form his expression, he looked like he was marching into war as Joanne said something to him. His gaze flickered to yours just for a split second and you almost saw his determination falter. Almost.

“Mr. Barber has every right to be here, Neal.” Joanne spoke before turning to you, “Y/N.” she gave you a smile.

“Hi Joanne.” You smiled at the older woman.

“Well technically I could argue that he doesn’t since he’s a possible witness in the case but I’m letting it slide.” Neal retorted, a smirk appearing on his face as he took Andy in.

“What a mensch.”

“You’re not going in there with us if that’s what you think was gonna happen.” Andy finally addressed Neal; his voice was hard. You just prayed Neal wouldn’t provoke Andy too much.

“Of course not, I already examined the cellphone. I was up here for something else. We do have other cases, right Y/N?”

“Goodbye Neal. And next time you want to conceal evidence from us, don’t.” Joanne nodded before her and Andy moved on. You were just about to breathe in relief when Neal spoke again.

“Oh, I have been meaning to ask,” his voice called, “how’s your father, Andy?” You didn’t need to see Neal’s face to know he was smirking; you suck in a sharp breath.

Andy turned. “What did you say?” If only looks could kill, Neal would drop dead; your gaze darted between Andy and Neal.

“I asked about your father. How’s he doing? You know, I knew criminal law was a passion of yours but I had no idea it was the family business.” Andy, who was slowly walking back to where you and Neal stood, slammed him to the wall by the collar of his suit. Duffy was already making her way towards you, but you were closer.

“You think this is a joke? Do you?” Andy’s voice trembled with anger as you put a hand on his arm, pulling.

“Andy! Stop.” You managed to push the two men apart with the help of Duffy, your hand lingering on his arm as you stared at Andy’s face, twisted with fury.

“Shit.” He stormed off, you followed without knowing what you were doing. All you knew was, Andy was upset and you wanted to be by him.

“Don’t lecture me about concealing things,” Neal shot from the hall, not done with the baiting, “I will say this, it explains a lot, Andy, about you, about your son.” You cursed as his words were successful in getting a raise out of Andy, he made a move towards him.

“Andy,” you stopped him, your hand on his chest, as everyone moved closer. Ready to break apart a fight.

Andy’s burning eyes calmed as he looked at you. You dropped your hand when you felt the stare of everyone else.

“Fuck,” Andy moved out of your reach, frustrated as he breathed hard.

Neal cleared his throat. “Y/N.” He ordered, snapping your attention back to him. You ran out, dizzy, adrenaline still pumping wildly in your veins. You spared one last worried look at Andy’s figure, noting his balled fists with a troubled heart. However, in the moment you were lost in your feelings for Andy, you missed the strange look Neal gave you.

------------

 You immediately knew something was wrong when Andy came over that night, his regular gentle kisses leaving their place for rougher ones. His roaming hands gripped tightly, desperately as the layers between you were thrown away. A part of you wanted to ask, to comfort him, but desire was stronger and was quick to shut your mind to all but Andy’s burning touches.

“I’m just trying to look out for him,” he murmured into your hair later, telling you of the night’s events. Your head lay on his chest, one leg thrown over his, a light blue sheet was draped over the two of you.

Your fingers idly drew shapes on his chest. “He knows, deep down. I’m sure.”

“I hate yelling at him.”

You raised your head, holding yourself up with the support of your elbow. His blue eyes were weary under the pale light of the moon, they fluttered shut as your hand laid on his cheek. He leaned into the touch. You placed a kiss on his temple, right between his brows where the  worry lines seemed to make a home for themselves.

“Andy,” his eyes opened slowly, “I wish I could find a way to end this all. I hate seeing you like this.”

He sighed, but a small smile formed on his lips nonetheless. “You have no idea how much you help me, do you? You are the one thing that keeps me sane these days, baby girl.” You kissed his cheek at that, his beard slightly tickling. His cellphone rang then, earning a groan from Andy.

“Who the fuck calls this late?” he hissed, his expression souring as he saw the word ‘unknown’ flash on the screen. He sat up in the bed, listening intently; you ran a hand over his strong back, trying to surpass a smile. Andy Barber was one handsome man, sometimes you found it hard to believe he really was here, in your bed. He ended the call.

“I’m so sorry sweetheart, but I gotta go.” He stumbled out of bed, his moves fast, almost panicky.

“Is everything alright?” You sat up as well, not wanting him to leave when you already had so little time together.

He pulled on his pants. “Yeah, I think,” his eyes searched for his shirt, “this might be good news, I gotta go talk to this kid.” You threw him the shirt he was looking for.

“Call me later, then.” You sigh, nothing you could do or say would change his mind once it was set.

“I will.” He kissed you once, twice, “go back to sleep.” You nodded. Just like that, he was gone. It took some time for sleep to coax you back into its arms, but when it did, you were still thinking of the warmth of his hands as they explored every inch of your body.

------------

Your morning of dealing with Neal and working on the mountain of paperwork was interrupted when Lynn, your boss, called you and Neal to her office. Possible important development, she said, in the case of Ben Rifkin. You shot a confused glance at Neal, who shrugged before following Lynn.

A moment after you were seated detective Duffy strode in, with two people you didn’t recognize in tow. Then came Joanne and Andy, who shot you a quick, apologetic look. He hadn’t called, but you didn’t blame him with everything going on. Your attention turned to the fidgety boy. He started speaking once everyone was seated.

As Matt told his encounter with Patz, Neal grew more annoyed by the word, on the other hand you could see Andy’s hidden hope. This could potentially lead to linking Patz to the crime, getting Jacob off the hook. You tried to not show your own relief. Maybe things would look up for the first time in a while.

Neal tried to dismiss the boy’s story once they left with Duffy, but Lynn wouldn’t let it go so easily. After a moment of consideration, she finally agreed for a search warrant,  much to Neal’s dismay. He scoffed before leaving, your eyes found Andy’s before following Neal out of the room. Your phone buzzed in your pocket.

It was from Andy. “Meet me in the file room 2” the text read. You sat at your desk, eyeing Lynn walk out Joanne and Andy. Joanne smiled at you as she passed, Andy barely looking, he leaned and whispered something to the older woman. She nodded and patted his arm.

You waited for another moment, making sure everyone else was busy with their own works, before grabbing some files from your desk. If anyone tried to ask any questions, this way you hoped to avoid them. With the rhythmical click of your heels, you made your way down the hall, took the stairs, and found the file room 2. You quickly slipped through the door, shutting it behind you.

The room was small, walls lined with shelf after shelf, all of them had boxes filled with old case files. In the middle of the room, Andy stood with his hands on his hips, his back turned to the door. His head snapped to your direction with the sound of the door. He exhaled, seeing that it was you. A soft smile broke on his handsome face, illuminated by the dim yellow light of the room. You tossed the files in your hands on top of a box, running into his open arms. A quite laughter of disbelief escaped him, shaking his chest as your head rested on the crook of his neck.

“Finally,” he spoke after a moment, “there has to be something, right?”

You nodded, “The guy’s shady for sure, there has to be something in the apartment.” You pulled back a little, just enough to see. There was hope twinkling in his eyes, such a beautiful sight, you let out a happy sigh. He leaned in slightly, his gaze fallen on your lips. The door flew open, revealing a tall figure on the doorway.

Neal.

You and Andy flew apart instinctively, your heart pounding in your chest. You looked at Neal in horror, as his eyes drifted between you and Andy. He smirked.

“Well, what do we have here? Mr.-I’m-morally-superior Andy Barber, fucking the intern.” He sneered.

“Neal—”

“Be careful, Neal.” Andy took a step forward, fists clenched, “It’s none of your business.”

“Oh, I think it’s my business alright. Murder suspect, coming from a broken home, you know how it’s gonna look in front of the jury.” He raised an eyebrow, his eyes roaming over you. “I can’t fire you, but you’re off the case of Ben Rifkin. Conflict of interest, when you’re screwing the dad of our prime suspect.” He shrugged, turning to Andy. A cold smirk still playing on his lips. “And here people were feeling bad for your family. Does your wife know you’re running behind her back with a pretty young thing between your arms?”

Andy moved towards the tall man with fire in his eyes, fists drawn back and ready to punch, you stepped in front of him. Beating Neal would only make things worse for everyone. Neal scoffed.

“Listen to your little mistress.” He looked around the room. “Honestly, with the way you two are so carless, I’m surprised this isn’t the talk of the town. I don’t even have to say a word, you’ll probably handle getting caught yourselves.” Neal laughed, a bitter sound to your ears.

“Keep your fucking mouth shut, Neal, or I’ll shut it for you.” Andy spit, his eyes focused on the guy behind you. You kept your hands on his arm, firm. Neal looked at both of you for a second.

“I won’t say anything, for now.” You turned to him then, surprised. Neal continued. “But you both know that I know. And personally, I’m sick of your attitude, Andy. I’d like to see you squirm a little.” He laughed again, placing his hands in his pockets before turning around and leaving.

“Fuck,” Andy breathed, “God dammit.” He kicked one of the shelves, shaking the boxes of files. The shaking of your hands and the swaying of your head kept you in place. You looked at each other with matching expressions.

“We’ll figure it out,” he said after his breathing calmed down a little, “I’ll go there now and talk to him—”

“Andy.” You closed your eyes, steadying yourself before your next words. “It won’t change anything. You know Neal as well as I do. Better, even.” Your mind running a thousand miles per second, you tried. Tried to figure out a way out of this hole you had dug yourselves into, tried to find the right words, tried to breathe… All three proved to be more difficult than you wished for.

“Shit, Andy, what if he’s right?” You opened your eyes to look at him, his frozen face not helping the tears stinging in your eyes. “You’re married for fuck’s sake, and everything with Jake… You’re upset and I, I should have known better.” You choked on your words, barely managing to get them out. It was one thing to be with a married man, that was always looming over you, but if your little affair ended up hurting Jacob’s case… that was a fact you hadn’t considered.

“Baby girl,” And shook his head, not wanting to hear it. He stepped towards you, grabbing your arms. “No. If you’re blaming yourself,” he gulped, his gaze burning into yours, “you can’t. Okay? I wanted this, if anyone’s responsible, it’s me. And, fuck…” he muttered under his breath, “We can’t change anything now.”

“What are we gonna do, Andy?” you whispered, warm tears dripping down your cheeks. He wiped them away with his thumb, pulling you in an embrace.

“I don’t know.” He needed to think, with Neal knowing it was a matter of time. At the best-case scenario, Neal would wait until the trial and use it there. But that meant, you had maybe six weeks before coming clean at least to Laurie and Joanne. Andy cursed. It was way too soon than he hoped for. “We will figure it out.”

His hand rubbed your back mindlessly, soothing your silent crying. Just when he thought things were starting to get somewhat better, it all came crashing down. He didn’t regret what he had with you, no matter how much he tried, he couldn’t feel guilty about it. But, it meant, another mess to try and figure out, it weighed on his shoulders. It was his fault, Andy knew it, his fault for being careless. Maybe he had grown too comfortable in the weeks he had spent with you. He pressed his lips together. It was better to talk to Laurie before the trial. Better she learns from him. You shook between his arms, drifting his attention from his thoughts.

Yes, he had to talk to Laurie soon. It could wait though, for another moment, as he held you in his arms, savoring the feeling. He wished he had more time, to no avail. Andy sighed. “We’ll figure it out, Y/N.” He murmured, placing a kiss on top of your hair. He closed his eyes, praying to whatever was out there to give him enough strength; to figure out a way out of this mess, to protect his son, and to protect this woman who occupied the most hidden, special place in his heart.

-------------------------------------------------------------

A/N: oooooh shit’s hitting the fan. My askbox is open for requests, feedback and just to talk about chris evans!

CHRIS EVANS TAGLIST @marvelouspottering​ @kelbabyblue​ @hidden-behind-the-fourth-wall​ @may-machin @little-dark-empress​ @retro-babez​

THE INTERN TAGLIST: @patzammit​

[moriihana]

not the villain || ending one: true nature

In which you realise Dark isn’t who—or what—the Actor says he is.

Overview: You remember who the Actor was, who you were, and most importantly, who Dark was.

Pairings: Past GN!Reader/Damien; GN!Reader/Darkiplier

Content: Angst to fluff.

Author’s notes: hello this took me an absurd amount of time i am so sorry

[ part one ] ; [ part two ] ; [ part three ] ; [ part four ] [ ending one ;; ending two ]

You were panicking. Fragmented images of a forgotten time clawed at your mind.

You didn’t know what was happening.

You were afraid.

You followed your friend and recently-appointed District Attorney, Dayn, into the parlor. You couldn’t contain the yelp of horror at the sight the two of you walked in on.

“Mark?” You covered your mouth as a wave of nausea rolled over you.

Your friend laid dead on the floor.

In an attempt to comfort you, Dayn quickly turned you away as the other guests from the party entered the room with varying exclaims of shock.

— — —

Damien held you in a tight hug on the patio as you wept into his shoulder. “How did this happen?” Your voice trembled as you spoke. 

“I don’t know, dove. We’ll figure it out, I promise.” Damien murmured into your hair, trying to soothe you as best he could.

— — —

You watched, terrified, as William frantically tore around the house for Damien and Celine after he shot the detective and Dayn. Eventually you hid in one of the many rooms within the manor, hoping that William would leave soon, and save you from hearing his heartbroken pleas.

— — —

“I am here, dearest one,” Damien said softly, pushing a stray lock of hair behind your ear, “we have much to discuss, but first, I implore you rest.”

You stared at him with tear-filled eyes, raising your hand to touch his face, as if to check if he was real. “Please don’t leave me,” your voice was but a whisper as you begged him, “I can’t lose you—not again.”

Damien provided you a sad smile, brushing his thumb across your cheekbone. “Rest, love. When you wake, I will be beside you.”

You regained consciousness and bolted upright with a sharp gasp. Tears began to flow freely down your cheeks as the memories you’d forgotten resurfaced in your mind. You failed to notice Dark approaching the bed as you tried to withhold your cries, despair gripping your entire being.

“Y/N, darling, you must calm down.” His words were uttered softly and with the utmost concern as he sat beside you, but the suddenness still startled you.

“Dam—” You caught yourself before you could say your past lover’s name. “Dark? I don’t—I’m so sorry—” You looked at him with tear-filled eyes. “I’m so sorry I forgot you—”

“Nonsense.” Dark cut you off with a raise of his hand and a stern gaze. “Mark pulled the strings. It is no fault of your own.” He frowned as he cupped your cheek, sweeping his thumb over it soothingly. “Do not fret, dearest. I assure you, he will no longer pose a threat. I made sure of that.”

You wish you could say that his words alarmed you, but all you felt was overwhelming relief. “Do you forgive me?”

“I cannot forgive you for something I never blamed you for in the first place, love.” Dark gently wiped away the tears still falling from your eyes as he spoke, a sad expression twisting his handsome features. “I am sorry that I could not protect you from him.” 

You shook your head fervently. “It isn’t your fault,” you murmured, “you couldn’t have known.” You gave him a gentle, albeit sad, smile. “It doesn’t matter now, though. We’re okay—we’re together.”

Dark pressed a gentle kiss to your forehead. “Yes, we are—and from this moment forth, that shall never change.”

[damienthepious]

happy lizzer kiss babes! also, as mentioned in the notes of this one, lil heads up that i’m gonna be taking a little break from posting fic in november! and by “little break” i mean i’ll be writing 50k of a novel lmao what a good “break” i am so terribly smart. anyway love you!

A Moment As An Optimist

[ao3] [Ch 2]

Fandom: The Penumbra Podcast

Relationship: Lord Arum/Sir Damien/Rilla

Characters: Lord Arum, Sir Damien, Rilla

Additional Tags: Second Citadel, Lizard Kissin’ Tuesday, Established Relationship, Forbidden Love , (alas.......), miscommunication followed quickly by communication

Summary: It is one of Damien's favorite events of the entire year, all revelry and romance and joy, and he cannot wait to share it with his lovers. Or- with one of them, at least.

Notes: Title from the song Heart of a Pessimist, by Be Steadwell, a song which also p well vibes with the fic as a whole. Also, just to... get out ahead of this a little, but I'm gonna be taking a break from fanfic for the month of November so I can properly do NaNoWriMo again this year! Which is exciting! But it also means that I'm gonna publish fic on tuesdays for the rest of October, and then November is gonna be radio silence from my end, on here at least. You can come hmu on tumblr @jakkubrat if you wanna see me just, shrieking at the void about writing in general, but I doubt any of y'all are interested in that. Anyway I love you. Hope you like this one! I intend to get the second chapter out before my little hiatus :3c

~

"And then," Damien says, gesturing wildly with his hands, "after the sparring demonstrations and the feast, the square is cleared and the musicians take their place of honor. They will play, and play, and play the whole rest of the evening. Songs quick and full of giddy joy, songs steeped with contemplation and longing and love, all manner of melodies in the in-between, and they will not cease playing- not until the very last of us has grown too fatigued for further footwork. Only when the very last of the revelers has succumbed to exhaustion, only then will the music finally fade into the more natural song of the night."

Damien sighs deeply, then, his hand pressing over his heart as he fixes his eyes on the middle distance.

"I'll admit the dancing is pretty fun, at least," Rilla says with a shrug, her own tone much more casual. "Food's not too bad either."

"Pretty fun!" Damien cries, his eyes sparking with excitement. "Oh, damning with such faint praise, my love! It is quite reliably among the most enjoyable events of the year! Why- oh, I could not possibly forget the year when you and I danced clear through until the dawn, and when finally we relented we were so terribly exhausted that we barely clung to each other long enough to stumble to the closest inn to properly collapse- a battle more draining that my greatest conquests, and still I do not think there has been a day I have laughed quite so heartily, nor been so blessed with your own laughter and love! Oh, Rilla, perhaps this year they will play that one particular song- that one with those quick triplets, the one that played just as they lit the lanterns last year, oh, and Arum! When the drums begin, then we could-"

He pauses.

"We- y-you and I could- could-"

Damien notices, quite suddenly, the low growl emanating from his lizard love. He notices the wince upon Rilla's face, as well.

Damien swallows, pulling his hand back to press over his heart as it sinks, and sinks, and sinks.

"We could... what?" Arum murmurs, slow and measured and vicious. "What, precisely, could we do at your festival, honeysuckle?"

"I-" Damien's breath catches. "I... I only..." he buries the hitch in his throat in a slight cough. "I... I managed to get quite ahead of myself, I'm afraid," he says in a muted voice. "So excited was I to share such joy... I did not even think."

"You certainly did not," Arum hisses. "How little prompting you require to forget, hm? To forget entirely that I am a monster."

"No," Damien says quickly, shaking his head. "I- I did not forget- how could I possibly? Arum-"

"Or to forget me entirely, perhaps-"

"I did not forget you," Damien says. "I forgot them. I forgot- I forgot every single thing in the world, besides you, and Rilla, and I, and... and the idea of spending a whole long evening with you both, dancing in the lamplight."

"I imagine the evening would be rather short, in fact. Hardly a minute would pass before I was slain."

"That's not fair," Rilla snaps, pushing off from the wall and glaring at the monster, but Damien's heart is still swirling and tumbling and the image- Arum at the festival, dancing at their sides, the cries of alarm and fear and hatred, the blades-

"Very little is," Arum snarls. "I am merely pointing out the obvious. It does not matter what we want- what he wants. That door is not open to us, and to pretend otherwise is foolishness itself."

"You know he wasn't trying to make you feel left out-"

"I-" Arum laughs, bitter and brittle and unconvincing. "I feel no such thing. I do not care. In fact- in fact, I do not have the first clue why we are still discussing it. Should you not be on your way already?" He snarls, and then he folds his arms over his chest, visibly settling himself. "Go on, then," Arum says, his voice flat and toneless, but Damien- Damien can't help but hear the current of pain beneath it. Judging by the way Rilla's expression shifts, just slightly, she can hear it too. "Go on. If this event is so terribly exciting, you should scuttle off to your Citadel and start your revelry already."

"Arum," Damien starts, his voice gentle, and Arum's snout wrinkles.

"I don't need your pity, honeysuckle," he hisses quickly, turning to pace with his cape billowing behind him. "We all know exactly what time we may steal away with each other. We all know what we are allowed, and what we are not." He turns his head away, his lip curling up to show the edges of his teeth. "It hardly matters anyway. I do not expect that any human celebration would be of any interest to me whatsoever. Music is only music and food is only food and I can very well find some of my own anywhere I should like."

"Arum," Rilla says, her voice quiet but firm, and Arum's scowl deepens.

"What? What, precisely, have I gotten wrong? In what way is my understanding of the situation flawed? I have no interest in-"

"I won't go."

Arum blinks, stumbling from his pacing to a halt, and his frill begins to sink as Rilla turns towards Damien again.

Damien shakes his head, feeling the tightness in his throat and attempting not to let it become evident in his voice. "I won't. I- I do not want to. It is only by necessity that I am ever anywhere that you cannot safely accompany. By Saint Damien above why should I ever want to revel and ramble and partake in such a joy if I cannot share it with the both of my loves? Why-"

"Oh, Damien-"

Rilla steps closer, one hand reaching to grip his wrist, and Damien feels the heat at the corners of his eyes and shakes his head again, more fiercely.

"This festival has always and only ever brought me joy, brought me closer to and more familiar with love, with beauty and delight, and- and I could not even consider those concepts for one moment without thinking of you as well, Arum, and- and- and I cannot bear the idea of suffering an event I once loved so dearly without you by our sides. It is unthinkable, I could not- I will not."

Arum stares at him for a long moment, his frill sinking further, his throat rattling.

"I won't," Damien says again, more quietly. "Not without you."

Arum inhales slowly, his expression folding into more visible pain, and he hisses through his teeth and winces before he responds.

"No," he says slowly, his voice low and rumbling. "No, I can't abide-" he pauses, and then sighs, dropping his eyes. "No. I didn't- I did not- I spoke rashly and- no. I didn't mean to- to-" he clenches his teeth again, lifting a hand to scrub down his face. "No. This... this event is... significant to you, honeysuckle. I know that it is not your fault, nor hers, nor mine, that we cannot enjoy it together. It is no one's fault, it is simply the truth. It is simply... the world, as it is. But-" he hesitates, and then he sighs again and steps closer, reaching to brush his hand down Damien's arm.

Damien sags instantly at the contact, immediately closing the remaining gap, folding himself against Arum's chest as Rilla lets go of his wrist, stepping up behind him instead and touching his back with soothing hands.

"But, little honeysuckle, that does not mean you both should not enjoy it regardless. Clearly I should not like to be without you, but I would be much more unhappy if my mere existence kept you from something you so clearly adore."

Damien blinks, and then he lifts his face to frown up at the monster. "But, Arum-"

"This is important to you," he murmurs. "And it is important to me that our arrangement does not prevent you from taking little joys where you can. I apologize for... for snapping at you, in my frustration." He leans down, nudging their foreheads together and sighing. "I am sorry that I allowed my own... that I turned my own pain outward to cause you distress as well. I want you to go. I want you to go, and I want you to enjoy the evening as much as you are able."

Damien makes a small noise, helpless, and then he wraps his arms around the monster and squeezes, hugging him tightly enough that Arum gives a surprised exhale, and then a low soft laugh.

"Oh Arum-"

"I want you to be happy, Damien. I want you both to be happy, even if I cannot be always by your side to be happy with you."

Damien hugs Arum even tighter for a moment, until the monster makes a small breathless noise, and then he loosens his grip enough that he can tilt his head, pressing a kiss to the edge of Arum's jaw, and he cannot help but feel the tears rallying again at the gentle purring noise that rumbles deep in Arum's throat.

"I love you," Damien croons, his lips still touching scales. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry we cannot-"

"It is no one's fault," Arum says again, even more gently. "What we have together already, despite the current conflict... what we have together is already something miraculous. We should not be greedy, I think," he grumbles, his voice performatively grumpy, and Damien chokes on a laugh.

"Oh, so greedy of us, wanting to dance together," Rilla grumbles behind him, her hands gentle on his sides, and he's surprised to hear a small note of sourness in her voice.

"Still," Damien says after a moment, soft and sad. "Still. I cannot help my feelings, cannot help how much I wish..."

Arum nuzzles Damien's cheek with his snout, sighing. "I know. Loathe as I am to admit it... clearly I wish, as well. We knew this would be... complicated when we began together. This is simply something we must swallow, for the moment. Perhaps, someday, we will not need to."

"I do not want to leave you here alone while Rilla and I-"

"I will be fine, honeysuckle," Arum says, shifting back enough that he can lift a hand to brush Damien's hair from his forehead. "I promise. To begin with, I am not alone, so to speak. I am never alone within my Keep."

"You know that isn't what he meant," Rilla says, and Arum rolls his eyes.

"Obviously. But I meant only to assure him that I will not be curled into a ball and wallowing. I will have company, should I desire it, and I will be fine. I apologize, again, for speaking cruelly to you. I've... gotten it out of my system, as Amaryllis is fond of saying," he says with a light sneer, and Damien can see him burying a grin as Rilla raises a skeptical eyebrow at him. "I will not be too terribly bothered by anything but the lack of your warmth. It is only one evening, after all."

"Well... I suppose, if- if you are certain-"

"I am certain, honeysuckle." He nudges his snout against Damien's temple, then, a sweet echo of a kiss, and then he steps back, squeezing Damien's hands before he drops them. "You should go. I will be dearly disappointed if I have managed to entirely ruin this evening for you."

Damien frowns, his stomach still twisting with uncertainty, with how wrong it feels to leave in such a way. "But-"

"He said he'd be fine, Damien," Rilla says, and her shrug is exactly as casual as her words, but when Damien turns towards her to continue to voice his distress, she-

Winks, with the eye that Arum cannot see in their current positions.

"It's just one night. We'll all manage to muddle through for just tonight, and then we'll all do something together later this week. Okay?"

Damien frowns, very lightly, his confusion bubbling, but-

Well. He knows her, knows that particular quirk of her lips, knows the way her eyebrows raise when she silently tells him to trust, to trust her.

He does, of course. He always does.

"I... I suppose..." he murmurs, still confused enough that he cannot think of any better words to say.

"We'll make an appearance, at least. If we aren't enjoying ourselves, there's no reason not to just... slip out early, yeah? And-" she turns to Arum, ducking her head slightly as she lifts a hand to touch his shoulder, smiling when he leans into the contact. "Can we just... come back here later tonight? Just to sleep, or- whatever. You don't have to wait up for us, if you don't want to, but-"

"Of course you may," Arum says quickly, frowning. "Always. You are always welcome and wanted, here." And then, as if to soften the certainty, the enormity of the always he has just offered, he scowls. "And I certainly will not wait up, so you may waste no consideration on that outcome."

Rilla grins, soft and bright and sweet, and Damien knows as well as she does that the monster is lying.

"I love you," Damien says again, because he cannot hold the words inside while they sit scalding at the back of his tongue.

Arum's expression softens, surprise and aching fondness shaping his features, and he steps closer again so he may pull the both of them into his arms.

"I love you as well," the monster murmurs, sighing into their hair. "Now go and have your fun, will you? I expect further tales of glory and exultation when you return."

"Love you too," Rilla says with a snorting laugh, rolling her eyes as she pushes his scaled arms away, but Damien's heart still aches.

"I..." he trails off, uncertain, and he clings to one of Arum's hands for another moment.

"Please," Arum says softly. "Enjoy the evening for me, if you cannot enjoy it with me. I will still be here, when you tire of the lamplight."

"Alright," Damien says slowly, and then he kisses the back of Arum's hand before he releases it. "Until tomorrow, then, Lord Arum."

When the Keep opens a portal for them back to Rilla's hut, Damien does his best not to allow his eyes to linger on his lily for too terribly long. Rilla takes him by the hand, thankfully, and her unruffled feathers soothe Damien's own jagged edges as the portal closes again behind them.

When they are alone, Damien sighs, but he rallies his nerves in only a moment, and he raises an eyebrow as Rilla's grin goes toothy and wild.

"Alright. Alright, my flower. May I know, now, precisely what you have planned for our love?"

"Okay," Rilla says, her voice nearly trembling with her sly delight, "so, tell me if you like this idea-"

[elenamcwrites]

folklore - a reading

If you’re a swiftie (officially not capitalized now), like me, you’ve probably been experiencing the mystical reverb and spiritual reckoning that is folklore. You’ve also probably been reading plenty of reviews and analysis articles--there are some stellar articles out there already.

Listening to the album is like lying in a meadow over the course of a summer day, afternoon thunderstorm, and the harsh sunset that comes afterwards, spiraling through memories and contemplation. It’s the best of the worst feelings you’ll ever have, and you can’t stop.

So, compulsively, I had to share my own interpretations and thoughts as I listen to the album again for the 7th time.

the 1 - Starting out with just piano, and then turning into what feels like a casual bop, the attitude of this song starts out very ‘I Forgot That You Existed’. And we hold onto that cavalier, ‘oh well’ attitude until... UNTIL. “If my wishes came true, it would’ve been you.” That line starts the slow ache that builds through the end of the track and makes this song much more more layered and complex than the first song of Lover. Perhaps this is a more honest version of the same feeling. Swift digs deep into that nostalgic feeling, letting us vibe to the wistful wishing at the same time. And of course, there is foreshadowing in the lyrics--film, graves, rose, chosen-family, painting. All of these reappear later on in various songs on the album, and some have been themes from earlier albums, too (especially graves).

Highlight lyric: “In my defense I have none // for digging up the grave another time.”

cardigan - We start with a beat that sounds reminiscent of “high heels on cobblestones,” and it emphasizes this early imagery. Being young is one of the major themes of this song, even though it’s also part of the triptych of songs about a love triangle. The nostalgia feels more specific to young love generally than to the specific lover, asking us to wonder why we judge the young perspective so harshly. The song is an anthem to how much she knew about love, including the pain of it, despite what people say. Swift has shown a special appreciation for the wisdom and raw experience of youth, and this song is another classic defense of the teenage experience. The metaphors in this song are classic Swift, and the structure of this song is reminiscent of ‘All Too Well’--the chorus lyrics change just a bit each time, and we get a powerful, gut-punch verse at the end.

Highlight lyric: “I knew you’d haunt all of my what-ifs // the smoke would hang around this long // cause I knew everything when I was young.”

the last great american dynasty - ‘The Man’ was probably Swift’s first real feminist anthem, directly stating how sexism affects her career and the perception people have of her. But this song gets at feminism from another perspective. First of all, she’s telling the story of Rebekah Harkness, who was the heiress that lived in her Rhode Island mansion before her. She was a trouble-maker in her town, blamed for her husband’s death and for ruining the calm status quo of the old money neighborhood. It’s completely apparent that Swift relates to this experience, and she likely knew some of this story before she purchased her home. In telling the story of a powerful, interesting woman, Taylor is rebelling against the patriarchy in a slightly subtler way than her previous songs--though she still makes her point pretty clear. Swift cares about the herstory of her home, and she’s made this story iconic by including it on her album. It’s like she took the idea of ‘Starlight,’ but instead of retelling a happy love story, she used her powers for an even more important tale. Now, there are also two potential connections to note: Rebekah also went by Betty, and her maiden name was West. Just remember that. And of course, the theme of the mad woman returns later as well.

Highlight lyric: “who knows if I never showed up what would have been // there goes the most shameless woman this town has ever seen // she had a marvelous time ruining everything.”

exile - I like to imagine this song as the follow up to ‘The Last Time,’ from Red. Both are duets, and they both have relatively simple, but strong chords as the primary musical backdrop. Where ‘The Last Time’ depicts a relationship at the cusp, moments before their final conversation, ‘exile’ is post break-up. She’s out with someone new, and we understand this is an unspoken conversation across a room. And the vibe of the songs fit with this progression perfectly. ‘The Last Time’ feels like anxious desperation, but exile feels heavy and depressingly final. We revisit the film motif, and there’s some potential connection to the archived ‘If This Was A Movie’. Now, is that intentional, or does Swift just really like movie imagery? Does it matter? The build in this song is arguably the best on the album, which I think is partly due to the style of the musicality, and partly because it’s helpful to have a lower voice to mix it up. This song sounds the least ‘Swift-esque’ to me--reminds me of Damien Rice most of all--but it still fits beautifully into the album. Also, lots of callbacks in here--town and crown are used a LOT in her prior albums. A few examples: “You traded your baseball cap for a crown” in ‘Long Live’, “They took the crown but it's alright” in ‘Call it What You Want,’ “Staring out the window like I’m not your favorite town” in ‘False God.’ Now, again, these could just be words that she loves to use (they also rhyme with a lot), or there could be some deeper connections. I’m guessing it’s somewhere in the middle.

highlight lyric: “second, third, and hundredth chances // balancin' on breaking branches // those eyes add insult to injury”

my tears ricochet - I’ll admit this song had to grow on me a little bit. Why? Well, I don’t love revenge-ballads. But, this is much more complex than LWYMMD, and like the rest of the album, it centers the more vulnerable side of her anger. This song is 100% about Big Machine Records and Scooter Braun. The funeral is for her--or the version of herself that died just before Reputation--and she is back as a ghost (or another version of herself) to haunt those who caused her death. It’s slow, moody, haunted... Everything you want from a bitter funeral march. The best part of this song is that she doesn’t solely pass blame. She shows off her self-awareness, which has become more common in all her music since 1989, but still very clearly places responsibility on Scooter for her ‘stolen lullabies’ (i.e. her masters). Swift claims this song is about young love gone wrong--but, death is a pretty intense metaphor, and given that she blatantly used it (for the first, and maybe only time?) to talk about her career, I don’t think anyone is buying it.

highlight lyric: “I didn’t have it in myself to go with grace // and you’re the hero flying around saving face”

mirrorball - Maybe I’m just a biased toward romantic and nostalgic songs, because I don’t love this one either. (I’m sorry!) But, here’s what I’ll say: this song is still exquisite. It reminds me of the reverb-radio-vibe of the late 80s songs, but with the astral, saccharine flavor of the rest of the album. If you condensed the Miss Americana documentary into a song, this would be it. A reflection (get it?) of fame and her desire to be everything to everyone--to be well liked, to be the center of attention. The coolest thing about ‘mirrorball,’ to me, is that she hasn’t written a song quite like this before. It’s sort of a manic-pixie-dream-girl version of herself. Swift is telling us that she knows who she is, and that comes with seeing the less ‘pretty’ side.

highlight lyric: “I’m still a believer, but I don’t know why // I’ve never been a natural, all I do is try, try try.”

seven - Can you say haunting innocence? This is a great song for half-attentive listening in the sun, and it could almost be a lullaby. In Swift-lore, the theme of childhood shows up every so often, like in ‘Mary’s Song,’ ‘The Best Day,’ ‘It’s Nice to Have a Friend,’ and ‘Christmas Tree Farm.’ This one is definitely the most dreamy, and it is also tinged with that darkness that consistently underlies all the tracks on this album--“Are there still beautiful things?” Imagine a sepia filter, and that’s kind of what this song embodies. Some fans have wondered about this song as a possible hint to bisexuality and/or relationships with women in general. (See Kaylor fan theories if you want to dive deep.) I can see this--the childhood friend has braids, which could imply she’s a little girl, and they ‘hide in the closet’. However, it seems more likely to me that this is coincidence. Lots of kids play in their closets, and if the song is about the friend’s father being angry all the time (and maybe abusive?) hiding in the closet also makes literal sense. I think the imagery in this song is some of my favorite on this album. 

Another interesting point that I haven’t seen discussed so far is that Swift names this song ‘seven’ spelled out, yet uses the number ‘1′ in the first track title. The only other track she uses numbers in the name is ‘22′, which is about being 22. So, she could be trying to push past the idea that ‘seven’ is just about being 7 years old--though I do think it’s about that, too. She could also be intentionally connecting ‘the 1′ to ‘22′ in some way. They are both a similar vibe, and perhaps they even refer to the same time period in her life. If we go with that theory, who was T dating at 22? The most likely candidate for that timeframe is Conor Kennedy, which was sort of short-lived, and didn’t seem to end with as much fire as many of her break-ups. So, it’s possible that it’s about him. Or, maybe she just wanted to make sure we knew that ‘the 1′ was a concept she doesn’t really believe in anyway, and didn’t want to grant it the full word ‘one’. Will we ever know?

highlight lyric: “Before I learned civility // I used to scream // Ferociously // Any time I wanted”

august - It seems clear to me that this is the second song in the love-triangle narrative. I’ve heard people claim this is ‘illicit affairs’, but those people obviously haven’t looked at the lyrics. The narrator says ‘James, get in the car,’ which is directly connected to the lyrics in ‘betty.’ But, even without that obvious link, the style of august fits in with the stylistic choices of ‘cardigan’ and ‘betty’. All three have strong instrumental tracks complementing the vocals, soft harmonies, and lots of wistful lyrics. ‘illicit affairs’ cuts much sharper and deeper, but more on that later. Combining the dreamy vibes of ‘seven’ with the slight bop of ‘the 1′, this track is sticky--easy to get stuck in your head. The only thing I wonder about this song is how old this narrator is meant to be. They’re drinking wine, and she references going ‘back to school,’ which sort of feels like a reference to the college experience. But, the betty and james characters make numerous references that feel like high school. So, maybe this affair took place in another city with a college girl? I have to wonder if this is Swift referencing some of the age-gap relationships she’s been in. Again, with Conor Kennedy, she was 22, and he was 18. She also supposedly crashed his sister’s wedding in August, and that was the start of the end of their short romance. I’m just saying...

highlight lyric: “Wanting was enough, for me it was enough // to live for the hope of it all.”

this is me trying - If ‘The Archer’ was Swift confessing to her bad habits after a couple early relationship fights, ‘this is me trying’ is a desperate reminder a few months into the relationship. The two songs are sonically very similar, and I didn’t love the vibe (sorry, again!) the first time. But, I do love the artistic continuation. ‘this is me trying’ slows us down even more than ‘The Archer’ did, with a drum line that is almost like a heart beat, and it feels much less hopeful as a result. The lyrics are also some of the darkest I’ve heard from Swift--”I got wasted like all my potential” and “could’ve followed my fears all the way down.” My heart almost can’t handle this song, to be honest. She also references films again, but my favorite imagery connection is her standing over the lookout, which calls back to Rebekah looking out over the sea in LGAD.

highlight lyric: “and maybe I don't quite know what to say // but I'm here in your doorway”

illicit affairs - This song has that ‘All Too Well’ ache with a hint of ‘Death by A Thousand Cuts’ energy, and personally, I love it. You’ve got the busy instrumental strings underneath a simple, yet haunting melody line, and it’s that light, anxious tension that fits beautifully with the theme of the song. The lyrics depict the simple, small heartbreaking things that remind you of the pain you’re putting yourself through, which is reflected in the slightly surprising, soaring note at the end of the line in the verses. Whether you’ve actually been involved in an affair, these feelings show up in plenty of toxic relationships, and that universality is part of what makes the song powerful. The lyrics aren’t about pretty images, but that’s sort of the point. It’s prime Swift conversational lyricism, and you could pick out any number of lines that make a painful short poem all by themselves. 

highlight lyric: “and you wanna scream // don’t call me “kid,” don’t call me “baby” // look at this godforsaken mess that you made me // you showed me colors you know I can’t see with anyone else”

invisible string - The primary love song on the album, this feels like a follow up to ‘Lover,’ maybe something she’d sing after being married a year or two. It’s sort of like ‘Mine,’ but much more mature, partly indicated by the pace of the song, which is steady and sure of itself. It’s also lovely to me that she’s returned to a bit of her country vibes--I ask you, would it feel like true end-game love for Swift if she couldn’t write a country love song about it? Back when she wrote country, all her happy ending songs were merely aspirational, and now they feel true. This is also 100% about Joe Alwyn, and to me, this is proof they have not broken up like some early reviews speculated. We also need to acknowledge that she’s past the Joe Jonas break up (um, good, that was ages ago) and is sending him and Sophie presents for their baby. I read a review that basically said this song seems a little too ‘all tied up’ for Swift, and that it doesn’t feel as genuine as a result. I sort of agree, but if we can take a sad song and accept that it isn’t how she feels 100% of the time, can’t we also do that with happy songs? Plus, she technically does say that it would be ‘pretty to think,’ which sort of implies it’s more a thought experiment than an actual belief. So, there’s that little twinge of sadness we needed to appease the folklore goddess. Oh, and of course, there’s a reference to Lover’s color scheme, saying time “gave me the blues and then purple-pink skies.” Which, many Kaylor hopefuls read as a reference to the Bi pride flag. To that, I just say... Maybe?

highlight lyric: “time, mystical time // cutting me open, then healing me fine”

Mad woman - My favorite thing about this song is the piano melody that happens in the background the whole song, working in concert with the main melody, but also completely independent (and haunting). It reminds me of one concept of madness--having multiple voices or thoughts going on simultaneously. But of course, it’s artfully and perfectly put together, which is the whole point. What could be perceived as madness is, in this case, what makes her able to create a masterful work of art. Now, this is also certainly a song about her masters, Scooter Braun, and Scott Borchetta. But it is also another feminist anthem. Women are taught not to be angry, not to yell, not to react with any emotionality otherwise we are discredited entirely. Swift directly calls this to attention by explaining that we’re angry for a reason--often antagonized intentionally until ‘you find something to wrap your noose around.’ She also makes the important point that women can also ‘hunt witches,’ and can be complicit in treating one another poorly. This is a reference to Scooter Braun’s wife defending him publicly against Taylor. Probably the most savage line is about the ‘master of spin’ having affairs, which she implies his wife knows about and seems to passively accept. But Swift doesn’t go too hard on her, reminding us that ‘no one likes a mad woman’, and that pressure is real. Could this ‘master of spin’ also be Scooter? I think probably. But I did read that some people are connecting this song to Hillary Clinton (she’s a scorpio, and the song references a scorpion sting), and that maybe Trump is the adulterer here... I feel like that’s a stretch, but I appreciate the interpretation.

highlight lyric: “What a shame she went mad // You made her like that”

epiphany - I suspect this song is directly related to how Swift is processing the current state of the pandemic. The atmospheric vibe with slow, clock-ticking beat in the background really feels momentous and poignant. Yes, she starts with images conjured from her grandfather’s stories of World War II, but she quickly seems to compare this awful battle to the doctors fighting COVID-19 on the frontlines in hospitals. The lyrics are simple, repetitive, and powerful. With so many ill literally struggling to breathe, the lines about breathing out really do hit especially hard these days. I can’t believe that wasn’t a thoughtful choice. The chorus is just barely hopeful, reminiscent of the numbness we all have to use as a coping mechanism to get through traumatic experiences. But it’s that little sliver of hope that makes the song even sadder--is that possible?

highlight lyric: “only twenty minutes to sleep // but you dream of some epiphany // just one single glimpse of relief // to make some sense of what you've seen”

betty - Give me all that Tim McGraw, Love Story, early Taylor pop-country. This song is definitely enhanced in part because of its connections to ‘cardigan’ and ‘august,’ but it stands strong on its own. It’s old news at this point, but James and Inez are based on the names of Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds’s daughters, so it’s all-but-confirmed that their third daughter was named Betty. Written from the perspective of James, there is massive speculation out there about whether the narrator is meant to be a boy or a girl. There are reasonable clues on both sides, so I’ll just say this: I love Taylor, but she’s always been a little late to the party when it comes to socialized ideas of male/female. Because of that, I don’t think she’d have a female narrator riding a skateboard. I also feel from the style of narration--“I don’t know anything;” “just a summer thing;” “would you tell me to go fuck myself”--it does sound more like stereotypical teenage boy language than what we know as swiftie teenage girl language. What I do like about this song, though, is that because it’s written from James’s perspective, it does sort of leave a wider opening for personal interpretation than some of her other love-story-like songs. The reason I personally love this song is that it’s mostly about redemption and forgiveness. Everyone has wished someone who broke their heart would write this song about them, and so it offers catharsis. Plus, it’s the only song on the album that truly feels happy at the end--thanks, key change! It’s refreshing and heartening, and it’s good timing, too. After the heaviest song on the album, we needed it. (Oh, and there’s a callback to the broken cobblestones from ‘cardigan’. And then he literally mentions her cardigan. So.)

highlight lyric: “if you kiss me // will it be just like I dreamed it? // will it patch your broken wings?”

peace - The vibe of this song is like laying on your couch in the summer with light coming in through the blinds and the ceiling fan is going around just fast enough to keep the warm air circulating, but not really cool you off. This song has a hint of ‘False God’ style, a little jazzy, but otherwise, it’s a pretty fresh feel for Swift. The message fits this thoughtful, lightly antsy feeling. She’s basically saying she wants to start a family with Joe (no, I don’t think she is literally pregnant yet) and settle down, but there is no real ‘settling down’ with her level of fame. I also think that Swift truly enjoys making music, performing, and engaging with her fans, and she doesn’t want to leave that life behind any time soon. So, she’s asking him if he can make that work. It’s, again, a mature vision of what a long-term relationship can actually look and feel like. Not all of us can truly relate to the burdens of fame, but there are other ways we can be unable to ‘give you peace’. No relationship is idyllic forever in the way romantic love often makes it out to be, and this song gives us a more realistic, consistent example. And just in case we thought this was just a nice song, the whole ‘clowns to the West’ is another potential Easter egg. In the lyric video, east is not capitalized, but West is. Most likely, this is a dig at Kanye. If we want to believe Taylor wasn’t being vengeful, it could potentially be a reference to Rebekah (West was her maiden name). I lean toward theory one, although it’s kind of amazing that it works out such that it connects to both.

highlight lyric: “but I'm a fire and I'll keep your brittle heart warm // if your cascade ocean wave blues come”

hoax - (Phew last one--I don’t have access to ‘the lakes’ yet) Swift can’t end the album without bringing us all back to the raw emotional space she opened up within us. This song brings back similar piano lines from ‘mad woman’ and the image of screaming on the cliffside. Chronologically, ‘hoax’ feels like it takes place after or during the death of her reputation, i.e. the feud with Kim and Kanye, when she was still very vulnerable. Based on timeline, this seems likely to be either Calvin Harris or Tom Hiddleston. It could really be some combination of the two, since many songs aren’t really about just one person. My gut tells me it’s primarily about Calvin, since she’s referenced that they didn’t have a very faithful relationship--”your faithless love’s the only hoax I believe in.” Both relationships travelled a lot--“I left a part of me in new york.” I’m guessing she’s referencing the feud with Harris over her writing credit on ‘This is What You Came For.’ She takes attacks on her career as seriously as hurtful relationships, and since she’s referencing being torn apart by the media when she says that “what you did was just as dark,” I think it’s likely that this also has something to do with hurting her reputation. It’s another hauntingly beautiful song, and you can totally imagine yourself out on that cliff looking at the midnight sea as the piano line ends.

highlight lyric: “you knew the password, so I let you in the door // you knew you won, so what's the point of keeping score?”

---------------------------------------------

Overall, the album is my favorite of Taylor’s so far for two reasons: 1) the continuity in both theme and sound is stellar, and 2) there aren’t any songs that I don’t like. Usually, there are 1-3 songs on Taylor’s albums that are either forgettable or too on-the-nose for my taste. I’m sure that is a product, in part, of having to craft songs for radio-play and for her amazing, cinematic live shows. Having given herself the freedom to make whatever music she wanted without thinking (so much) about whether they’d top the charts or be good for a stadium concert, she made an album without a single ‘pop just because’ track.

Now the real question is... What will she do with the remaining 6 months of quarantine???

[paradisobound]

World’s Greatest First Love: Chapter 9

Summary: Dan Howell wanted a clean break from his father’s publishing company. It was why he applied for a different company in London: to stop the ridicule of his coworkers for riding on his ‘daddy’s coat tails’. But he wasn’t expecting to suddenly be going from a literature editor, to a graphic novel editor. And he certainly wasn’t expecting to come face first with his first love who broke his heart from when he was a teenager: who just happens to be his new editor-in-chief.

Based on the Anime and Manga “The World’s Greatest First Love: The Case of Ritsu Onodera” aka Sekai-Ichi Hatsukoi

Rating: Explicit (heed the rating change!)

Word Count: 2.6k (this chapter)

Warnings: Smut

Beta Read by: @phanandpenguins

Updates Every Tuesday 12pm EST and Saturday at 1pm EST

READ ON AO3

Back when Dan was a teenager, he used to have thoughts in his head about what it would be like to spend Christmas with Phil. Sometimes he would sit alone in his room and think about what they would do. Would they exchange gifts? Would they celebrate together?

In the present, Dan is overcome with these thoughts once again as he lays awake lone in his apartment. It’s well past midnight, but his mind hasn’t shut up since the night before when he and Phil...did that. It wasn’t like they progressed any further than kissing, but Dan doesn’t honestly know how they kissed for. All his knows is that when they stopped, his lips were a bit sore and swelled to the touch but...he doesn’t regret it.

Maybe that’s why he’s still up at night.

He doesn’t regret the kissing. At the time, it had felt really right. But it was what Phil had told him after that is making Dan’s head still reel.

Let’s go away for Christmas together.

Dan didn’t give Phil an answer. He just said he’d think about it and then he left for the evening where he stayed awake the entire time worrying about what he had done. At the office yesterday, Phil had told Dan he could book them tickets to the Isle of Man for a getaway. It would just be the two of them.

It didn’t feel right, Dan supposes, to be going away on a getaway with your boss. But he feels like he’s crossed a line by kissing Phil. Yeah, they were both a bit inebriated when it happened but that still doesn’t stop the fact that Dan did want it. He wanted to be kissed by Phil again after all of these years.

He turns on his side and the clock reads close to 2 now. He knows he’ll hate himself in the morning if he doesn’t get some sleep, so he shuts his eyes and tries to fall asleep.

And he does eventually, but his dream comes in the form of him and Phil exchanging Christmas gifts and the cycle begins again.

***

There was nothing Dan hated more than dealing with the printers. Every time he went to them to give them his finished manuscript, they always harped on him for something or another. He’s tried to let it go in one ear and out the other but that doesn’t always happen.

He’s on the way back to the office and can’t wait to get back so he can tell his goodbyes to Phil and then leave for the evening to go home. He has the day off tomorrow and he really cannot wait to spend the day doing absolutely nothing and just relaxing in his apartment.

The elevator doors open up and Dan looks up to see Damien standing directly in front of him. Dan really wanted to roll his eyes but he knew that he couldn’t for the act of civility.

“Didn’t you get Phil’s message?” Damien asks as Dan steps out of the elevator, “He texted you that you could go home as soon as you were done.”

Dan pulls his phone out from his pocket and sure enough, there is a text from Phil telling him to go home.

“Well, still needed to come back and grab my stuff,” Dan says, walking past Damien as Damien walked towards the open elevator doors.

Damien didn’t step onto the elevator though. He turned around and the doors shut behind him as he crossed his arms over the chest and asked, “What are you doing the 24th?”

Dan furrowed his brows, “Christmas eve?” Dan asks.

“No, Phil’s birthday.”

At first, it takes Dan a minute to remember what Damien even means. Surely Phil’s birthday wasn’t the 24th? Then it hits Dan like a ton of bricks and he’s stood there with wide eyes as he looks at Damien who just laughs, “You forgot, didn’t you?” He says.

“I--”

“Well, just wanted to ask what you were doing,” Damien says with a shrug. “Phil doesn’t like his birthday but I thought maybe I would take him out to the bar for the evening and you could tag along.”

Dan feels a bit caught off guard by the invitation but he just nods and flashes a smile, “I’ll consider it.”

Damien doesn’t say anything more, he turns on his heels and pushes the up button on the elevator and steps inside.

Dan takes a moment to process everything before he walks to his desk and gathers his things. He leaves the office feeling a bit off kilter, a bit unsure of what his mind is even thinking. He feels cloudy, a bit weightless.

When he gets on the tube, he pulls his phone out and checks his calendar. It’s then that he realizes the 24th is is in 2 days, he never even noticed it. He has no gifts, no presents or cards for his family. He was never even aware Christmas was this close. His days were blurring together and going by so fast. He’s been at Onyx for nearly three months now and yet, he doesn’t feel like he has.

He shuts his eyes and leans his head back on the window as he lets out a sigh.

***

Dan wakes up the next morning to the insistent ringing of his doorbell from the outside. He looks at his clock and he sees it’s a little after 9, but he was content until sleeping until midday. He didn’t really feel like being awake, much less alive, this early in the morning.

He gets up slowly and walks to his door to see Phil stood there, holding a pair of printed tickets in his hand, “We’re going to Isle of Man,” He says. “I’ve rented us a cottage.”

“Wait what?” Dan says, his brain still waking up and not processing everything that Phil is saying.

“I don’t want to spend Christmas in London...I want to spend Christmas alone with you. So please...come with me to the Isle of Man where we can get away for a bit. Just you and me,” Phil pleads. “We can take the time to catch up.”

“What about work?” Dan asks.

“Onyx closes for the holidays like every other company,” Phil says. “It’ll be okay. No one will question it.”

Dan bites his lip as Phil hands him a printed version of their flight itinerary. He looks down at it for a moment and studies it before looking up, “Okay.”

Phil’s eyes widened and he immediately became excited, “Oh awesome!” He exclaims, “Our flight leaves tomorrow at 8am. But I’ll meet you here before that.”

“Sounds good.”

Phil leaves, not long after and Dan stands on the other side of the door as he contemplates all that he just did. He’ll have to get Phil a gift now, but what do you give an ex-lover? Let alone one that you might be getting feelings for again?

He sits down on the floor and puts his head in his hands as he closes his eyes.

He might have gotten himself into a mess.

Dan got Phil a Studio Ghibli Totoro plushie from a convenience store down the road from his apartment. He texted Phil asking if Phil liked anime, because that’s what Dan likes too and he figured that would make getting him a gift easier. Phil responded that he did and he named specifically this anime so this is what Dan got him.

It’s quite big, but not too big that Dan can’t travel with it. When he packs his overnight duffel bag for the two day trip, he stuffs it into the bottom under his clothing and then packs the rest of his essentials.

He’s feeling a bit nervous now. Now that the bag is packed, he feels like everything is so much more definite. Dan’s is actually going on a trip with Phil and it’s something he’s doing willingly. He honestly never thought he would ever get this opportunity. When he was a teenager, this was all he could think about.

He used to fantasize about spending time with Phil when they got older. He used to think about how they would go on holidays together and they would visit places like Paris and Tokyo and it would be just them, in love. It would be them making memories because as teenagers, they had no way to do that.

Dan finds himself getting emotional when he thinks like that. He used to have such big pipe dreams for him and Phil but they all collapsed so fast around them.

His phone vibrates next to him, and he picks it up and answers it thinking that it was going to be Phil. But his voice stops and his skin pales as he hears the unforgettable voice on the other side.

***

“Are you familiar with the Isle of Man?” Dan asks as he and Phil step out of the cab at the end of the driveway that lead to the cottage.

Phil turned to him and nodded, “When my parents divorced, this is where my mum moved to and I moved here with her as well. She’s not around here anymore, but even if she was, I don’t think I could see her.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Phil says with a smile. “We’re going to make new memories on the Isle for me and I’m much happier about that.”

They walks inside the cottage and it’s so small and quaint. But yet, it feels so homey. Dan feels so comfortable being here. The living room is quiet and the kitchen is small. He goes down the hallway to put his stuff in his room when he sees just two doors. He opened the one and its the bathroom. He steps back and furrows his brow and then pushes the next door open and only sees a single king bed.

He turns back around, “Phil...there is only one bedroom.”

Phil steps into the view of the hallway and nods, “Yeah, we’re sharing a room.”

“Why?” Dan questions.

“Because if we’re going to catch up, I figured that we could start by at least sleeping together.”

Dan’s eyes widen and Phil immediately puts his hands up to stop Dan’s thoughts.

“It was also the only cottage that the rental company had at the last minute for the holidays so I took what I could get. But I thought it wouldn’t make a difference.”

Dan just nods and bites his lip as he walks into the room and sets his stuff down on the side of the bed. He sits down on the edge and rubs his hands over his face. When he finally stands up to put his stuff away, Phil walks by and calls, “I’m using the shower,” and Dan wants nothing more than to just curl up.

Most of the places around aren’t open due to it being Christmas Eve so they get their food at a small Tesco in the town centre. They grab some quick food they can heat up and Dan buys Phil a cake and then they make their way back to the cottage.

They sit in the small dining room and Dan leaves momentarily to grab the gift for Phil. He fishes it out of the bottom of his bag and takes a deep breath as he walks out and sees Phil staring at him.

“Happy Birthday,” Dan says, handing him the plushie. Phil takes it in his hands and squishes it against his chest like a child and it makes Dan smile, “Do you like it?”

Phil nods, “I love it! I love Totoro.”

They’re stood in the living room, and Dan feels like the air around them just changed significantly. Phil sets the plushie on the couch behind him and then says, “When I was younger, I used to fantasize about us over the holidays. I used to think about what we do, what gifts we would exchange. I was always really excited for them…”

“...But they never happened.”

Phil nodded and Dan feels his cheeks heat up.

“I used to do that too,” Dan admits. “I used to do that all the time.”

Phil suddenly moves forward and places his hand on Dan’s jaw and connects their lips in a heated kiss. Dan wraps his arms gently around Phil’s neck and lets himself melt into the kiss. For some reason, his body wasn’t telling him to push Phil away, that he was making a mistake.

Instead, he arched his chest closer to Phil and whimpered into the kiss.

They ended up in the bedroom, Dan making quick work of getting his jeans off and slipping them to the floor. He lays down on the bed and let’s Phil hover over him as Phil reaches between them and slips his hand instead of Dan’s boxers.

It’s been so long since they’ve touched each other and Dan will be lying if he says he hasn’t thought about this, hasn’t reminisced of the sex they had when they were younger. They were so inexperienced, so young and dumb but yet it always felt so good.

Phil fishes his cock out and Dan hisses as the cool air of the room touches his skin. He feels so hot all over, and Phil’s skin feels the same way under his touch. Dan kisses him again, letting himself get back into the kiss again as Phil pulls off his shirt and then tugs at Dan’s. They undress all the way and Dan spreads his legs, letting Phil in between them.

Maybe he’ll regret this tomorrow, he’s not entirely sure. But tonight, he feels nothing but want and need. He needs Phil. He wants nothing more than to feel Phil inside of him again.

Phil gets out the lube and a condom wrapper from his bag next to the bed and Dan waits, his chest heaving. Phil maneuvers back so he can get proper access to Dan and Dan finds himself blushing, feeling a bit self-conscious. But then Phil bends down and kisses just below his belly button and that all washes away.

When Phil entered him, it took Dan’s breath away. Phil was a lot bigger than he remembered, but he filled him so well that he really couldn’t do anything but let out a loud moan and a series of whimpers.

Phil hit him in all the right spots and they both didn’t last long, Dan finishing in pearl streaks over his stomach and Phil staggering a bit and finishing inside the condom. When Phil pulls out, Dan lays on his back and lets himself take hold of the situation. He doesn’t have enough time to really gauge what he’s done because Phil removes the spent condom and then immediately snuggles up to Dan, turning Dan on his back so they can cuddle, Dan being the little spoon.

Right before Dan drifts off, he can feel the kisses littering the back of his neck and he hears the faint sound of Phil saying, “I love you” and Dan feels like his heart is simultaneously filling and breaking.

Because Dan got a call from his estranged fiancee the day before, and he’s going to eventually have to Phil about her. But he can’t after what they just did, and he spends the night worrying about this instead of taking in the moment at hand.

[dlwritings]

Would Never Be | Tom Holland

masterlist found here

pairing - Tom x reader | Shawn Mendes x reader word count - 3,608 warnings - A/N - for the anon who requested!

summary - You and Tom had been best friends for your entire lives. When you met Shawn Mendes, you were determined to leave your feelings for Tom behind. Unfortunately, the heart wants what it wants.

You were a sucker for friends to lovers stories.

Your top three favorite movies? When Harry Met Sally, What If, and Love, Rosie. All three stories had the same basic plot: can guys and girls be “just friends,” or will someone always catch feelings?

For a long time, you believed the former. Over the years, you had had plenty of guy friends. No one ever caught feelings in those relationships. From your childhood days, there was Adam, Nathan, Trent, and Simon. Those friendships formed due to your parents all being friends, so it was more out of obligation. Any feelings? Nope. From secondary school, there was Damien. You went to Damien about almost everything: actual crushes, family drama, college rejection (and acceptance) letters, and anything else you needed a friend for. Did you fall for him? He for you? Of course not.

Then, one day, it felt like everything changed. You had been friends with Tom for your whole life. Tom was incomparable to any other guy friend you had. You were next door neighbors and had met one lovely summer day while you were both playing outside. You were riding your bike down the street when all of a sudden he zoomed past you on his own. You lost your balance and fell over. You were six, so the little tumble made you burst into tears. Immediately, Tom turned around and came back to you. “I’m so sorry,” he said, getting off his bike and letting it fall onto the grass beside the sidewalk. “I didn’t think I was close to you. I’m so so sorry.”

You sniffed. “It’s okay.”

“Are you bleeding?” he asked. You shook your head no and looked up at Tom. He gave you a nervous smile and stood up, then stuck out his hand to pull you up. “We have ice lollies at my house,” he said. “Do you want to come inside?” You smiled eagerly and nodded, your fall immediately becoming a distant memory.

“I’ll go tell my mom!”

You buzzed home on your bike, shouted to your mom where you were going, and were back outside and over to Tom in mere minutes.

The rest, as they say, was history.

Somewhere along the line, you fell for him. And it was more than just a silly fall off your bike. These were feelings knocking you on your ass.

Everything with Tom was so platonic. It wasn’t the kind of platonic you read about in the stories where it was clear to everyone except the two of you that feelings were involved from both parties. It was like Tom was holding a neon sign that flashed “I friendzoned her” every time you were together. And it was fine. Really. It was. You loved Tom however you got to have him.

This didn’t mean things weren’t hard from time to time.

Like, there was the school disco when you were in your final year of school. The two of you were supposed to go together. You always agreed you’d go together if you were both single. The time came, and neither of you were in relationships, but Tom had a crush on the school’s most popular girl, Lacey. You knew he wanted to go with her. You saw the way he looked at her. It was the same way you looked at him when he wasn’t watching.

You all but forced him to go with her, convincing him you were okay with going stag. His face lit up, and he thanked you a million times over. You selfishly wished his face could’ve lit up like that at the idea of going with you.

Or there was the time your date ended up being a total creep and left your house in a fit of rage when you wouldn’t sleep with him. You called Tom, but he didn’t answer. You called again, and got nothing again. You decided to call his home phone and see if he’d pick that up. Instead, it was Harry who answered. “Is Tom there?” you asked him, hoping your voice didn’t sound as shaky as it felt.

“Sort of?” Harry said. The words came out as a question. “Like, he’s here, but he’s super unavailable.”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning he’s in the middle of fucking Lacey.”

You hung up the phone and burst into tears.

He’s not mine. He’s not mine. He’s not mine.

You forgot that some friends didn’t get to the lovers part, no matter how much one party wants it.

So, you forced yourself to move on. You dated around in school, still maintaining a close friendship with Tom. You went to BRIT school with him and ended up with a fairly successful movie career of your own. Despite rumors spreading constantly that the two of you were romantically involved, you never were. You were just best friends. Plain and simple. As the years went on, that fact started to sting a lot less. It was more like a dull buzz in the back of your head.

You met Shawn Mendes at the MTV Movie and TV awards in 2018. You liked his music and thought he was super cute. Not to mention, he seemed like one of the few celebrities your age who hadn’t let the fame go to his head. You always wanted to befriend him, talk to him, or even DM him on social media, but you always wimped out. It was he who approached you at the award show. You were on the red carpet, posing for a picture, when he suddenly walked up to you. “Hey,” he said awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck. “I just wanted to say I’m a huge fan of your movies.” You smiled at him. “Oh, uh, I’m Shawn by the way.”

You laughed, “Yeah, I know. I love your music. Your last album was insane. Queen is like, my favorite song.” Now it was Shawn’s turn to smile.

“Thanks,” he said.

“Shawn, (Y/N), over here!” one of the photographers suddenly shouted. Shawn looked at you as if asking if you wanted your picture taken with him. You smiled and gave him a short nod, so he put his arm around your waist and turned to the cameras.

What you didn’t notice was Tom standing at the other end of the carpet, staring at you with a look you were very familiar with.

You weren’t seated anywhere near Shawn during the award show, but he somehow found you as soon as it ended. You heard him call your name as you were headed to the car that was ready to pick you up. You turned to find him jogging over to you. You couldn’t help but smile as he ran his fingers through his hair, finally slowing to a stop in front of you. “Where’re you headed?” he asked.

“I was just going to go back to my hotel,” you told him, biting your lip softly. “Unless you had a proposition for me.”

“Yeah, actually,” he said. “Do you want to maybe go grab some drinks?” Immediately, you nodded.

“That sounds great,” you said. “Let’s-”

“Hey, (Y/N)!”

You turned when you heard Tom call you. Truthfully, you sort of forgot he was at the show. “What’s up?” you asked him. He looked from you to Shawn and back again.

“N-Nothing,” he stuttered. “I, uh, I kind of thought you and me would-”

“I’m going out with Shawn,” you said before he could finish the sentence. The last thing you wanted was for Shawn to think you had prior plans with Tom, which you really didn’t. “I’ll catch you later, okay?”

“Yeah,” he said with a nod. “Okay. Yeah.” You and Shawn both waved goodbye to Tom, got in your car, and headed off to the nearest bar.

After that day, things weren’t the same between you and Tom.

He was still your best friend, but you had a new man in your life. Shawn became first priority. The two of you made a perfect couple. The media loved you, and, for the most part, your respective fan bases were ecstatic that you were together. The only exception were the few fans who were furious you were not with Tom. It didn’t bother you or Shawn. He had once gone through a similar thing with people shipping him and Camila Cabello, so he was no stranger to opinionated fans.

It was around that time that things with Tom started to get weird.

Tom started to feel you slipping away from him. It was also around that time that he started to realize he was absolutely, madly, and irrevocably in love with you.

He grew angry any time he saw a paparazzi report on you and Shawn out on a date or a picture one of you had posted of or with the other. He never wanted to go out with Harrison anymore, and he found himself ignoring most of your phone calls. It hurt too much to talk to you knowing you could never be his.

“You’ve gotta get over this,” Harrison said to Tom one day.

“You’ve gotta leave me alone,” Tom retorted.

“I’m serious!” Harrison almost laughed. “You’ve been in love with this girl for -What?- 17 years?”

“Give or take,” Tom mumbled.

“Then fucking do something!” Harrison said.

“She’s with Shawn,” Tom said. “You know that. Plus, Shawn’s perfect for her. He’s, like, over six feet tall, and he’s got those fucking muscles, and he did that Calvin ad that she talks about all the time, and he’s a musician, and he’s actually a good person. I can’t compete with any of that.”

“Maybe, but you know what else I know?” Harrison said. Tom just raised an eyebrow. “She has never once looked at Shawn the same way she’s been looking at you since we were kids.”

-

About a year passed since you and Shawn started dating, and things with Tom were better. In the blink of an eye, everything went back to normal. You were so relieved that you never bothered to ask why he had been so cold.

On the other hand, things with Shawn were off. Shawn was trying. God was he trying, but he knew you weren’t fully into it, even if you didn’t realize it yourself at the time. You didn’t see anything wrong with your relationship. Everything felt normal to you.

You were staying in a hotel in New York, as it was the day before the Met Gala. You usually lived in London, but when Anna Wintour invited you to the ball, you hopped on the first flight overseas to go. Shawn and Tom were both going as well, so you ended up getting rooms in the same hotel. Shawn had gone out with a couple of his friends for the day, and you were excited when you heard him come into your hotel room. However, you noticed quickly that his usual bright smile wasn’t meeting his eyes.

“What’s going on, babe?” you asked as he came to sit beside you on the couch. “You look upset.”

“I just-” He paused to clear his throat. “-I want to talk to you about something.”

“Uh-oh,” you laughed. “That doesn’t sound too encouraging.” You thought he was joking, but when he looked in your eyes, you knew he was being serious. “You’re freaking me out, Shawn.”

“You know I love you,” Shawn said, “and this past year has been ama-”

“Stop,” you said quickly, holding up a hand. “Please don’t.”

“I need you to let me say this,” he pressed. You felt tears welling up in your eyes, and it didn’t help that Shawn looked like he was going to cry, too. “You mean so much to me, but I can’t keep being second best.”

“Second best?” you repeated. “You’re, what are you talking about?”

“You know what I’m talking about,” he said softly.

“Tom?” you clarified. Shawn just looked at you, clenched his jaw, and hung his head. “You know there’s nothing going on between me and Tom!”

“But I know that you want there to be,” he said.

“That, that doesn’t matter,” you stuttered. “Okay? It doesn’t matter.”

“But it does matter, (Y/N)!” he shouted. “I don’t see how you don’t get that.”

“Shawn-”

“You use me to get over him,” he said, “and I was fine with that for a while. I get it. Sometimes you need to be with one person in order to really let someone else go. Eventually I realized that that wasn’t working for you. You can’t be with me because you will never be over him.”

Tears started to fall steadily from your eyes, and you put your forehead in your hands. You didn’t even want to look at Shawn. You weren’t upset with him at all. You were embarrassed and upset with yourself. Deep down, you knew there was a part of you that was always hoping Shawn would help you get over Tom. You didn’t want to give up in case, eventually, it would start working. You loved Shawn. You really did. He was lovely and wonderful and handsome and kind and almost everything you wanted in a person. What he wasn’t -and what he would never be- was Tom.

“Hey,” Shawn said softly. You looked up at him and wiped some of the tears from your eyes. “I’m not mad at you, okay? I need you to know that.” You took in a deep breath and nodded. You felt your lower lip quiver, so you bit it gently. “I still love you so much, and I’ll always be here for you. I just think you need me as a friend more than you need me as anything else.”

“I’m so sorry,” you choked out. “I never ever meant to put you through this. I wanted it to be you, Shawn. I wanted it to be you so badly.”

“I know,” he said with a gentle smile. “I wanted it to be me, too.” You sniffed and wiped your fingers under your eyes, then put your hands on his cheeks.

“I love you, you know that?” you said. “I really do. I’m just sorry I couldn’t love you more.” Shawn gave you a sad smile and pressed his lips softly to yours, then wiped another tear from your cheek.

“I’m going to go, okay?” he whispered. You nodded and pulled away from him.

“Okay,” you whispered back. Shawn gave you another smile and stood up from the couch.

“I hope you figure things out,” he said. He didn’t need to explain what he meant. You knew.

You hated it, but as soon as your front door closed, your instinct was to call Tom. You couldn’t help it. You clicked his contact name before you could second guess it and listened to it ring only twice before he answered.

“Hello, love,” Tom almost sang when he picked up. You swallowed thickly and let out a shaky sigh. “(Y/N)?”

“Are you busy right now?” you asked him.

“No,” he said. “You want me to come over?”

“If you don’t mind,” you said.

“Give me two seconds,” he said. He hung up almost immediately and was at your door just as quickly. You walked over to the door and let him in, then walked back over to your bed and threw yourself on it. “What’s going on?” he asked, coming over and sitting on the bed beside you. You mumbled something into your pillow that Tom couldn’t quite hear. “I can’t hear you, love,” he laughed lightly, poking your cheek. You sighed and turned your head to look at him.

“Shawn broke up with me.”

Tom’s smile dropped, and he opened his mouth and closed it repeatedly. “W-Why?” he finally stuttered. You knew you couldn’t tell him the truth, so you just shrugged and turned on your side facing away from him.

“Just thinks we’re better off as friends,” you mumbled. “He was really nice about it.”

“I’m so sorry, (Y/N),” he said gently. You were both quiet for a moment until Tom sighed. He laid down beside you and wrapped his arms around you from behind. This made you start to cry.

Guilt overwhelmed you as your heart fluttered the minute his skin touched yours. Shawn was right. Of course he was right. You had been head-over-heels in love with Tom for your whole life, and no matter how much you loved Shawn, the feelings would never be the same. You hated yourself for that. You felt like you had been using Shawn for the past year. You couldn’t believe he had forgiven you for that. Why couldn’t your heart have just chosen him? Everything would’ve been so much better.

“It’s okay,” Tom whispered. “Shh, shh, you’ll be okay.”

Eventually, you cried yourself exhausted and fell asleep with Tom’s arms wrapped around you. When you woke up, Tom was gone as if nothing had really happened at all.

The day breezed by and, before you knew it, it was time for the ball. You met up with your stylist and got ready. Your outfit was incredible, your hair and make-up equally as amazing. You met up with Tom at the red carpet, and he gave you a hug. “You look gorgeous,” he said, standing arms length away from you to admire your outfit.

“You don’t look too shabby yourself,” you said with a smile. He hadn’t gone as bold as some of the other men at the event, but he looked handsome all the same.

The two of you walked the carpet, posing for pictures together as well as independently. You were having such a good time which was exactly what you needed. As you were posing with Tom, you absentmindedly glanced down the carpet, admiring your fellow stars’ outfits. Then, you saw Shawn. He looked at you as well, a small and gentle smile on his face. You felt that guilt creeping up on you again. Before tears could come to your eyes, you saw Shawn mouth, “It’s okay.”

And you knew he meant it.

When you finished your walk down the carpet, you found yourself pulling Tom off to the side before you entered the venue. “Whoa,” Tom laughed. “What’s going-”

“I lied to you,” you said abruptly. Tom furrowed his eyebrows.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“I lied to you about why Shawn broke up with me,” you said. Before Tom could say anything, you kept talking. “I know I don’t need to tell you this right now, but I feel like I can’t not tell you. I hate how I’m feeling right now, and I have to tell you.”

“(Y/N)-”

“I love you,” you blurted out. “I love you, and I’ve loved you ever since we were kids. When I started dating Shawn, I was trying so hard to get over you, because I know you don’t feel the same way about me as I feel about you. And that’s, it’s fine. It’s something I have to move on from. It’s just, Shawn could see how I felt about you, and he felt like he was second best to you. I hate that. I hate that I made someone else feel like they weren’t amazing because I can’t get over you. And, and like I said earlier, Shawn was super nice about it. He’s, he’s such a good guy Tom, and I wanted it to be him. I wanted to love him like I love you because he deserves that, but I can’t. I can’t because I fucking love you, you fucking dickhead!” You paused and shook your head. “Sorry. I got mad. I don’t-”

“You don’t remember, do you?”

You cocked your head and looked at Tom with a quizzical expression. Tom laughed lightly and scratched the back of his neck. “It was your birthday,” he explained. “Your 18th. You were plastered. I drove you back to our neighborhood and let you crash with me because you didn’t want your parents to see you wasted. The next morning, we told them-”

“That you got drunk and I had to help you home,” you finished. “I remember. Then I told you I never wanted to talk about that night ever again, so why are you bringing it up?”

“Before you fell asleep,” Tom said, “you told me you loved me.”

“I, I what?”

“You said you were in love with me,” Tom continued. “I told you I loved you too, and you started crying, because you meant it as more than friends, and no matter how many times I told you I did too, you just didn’t believe me.”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?” you asked.

“You told me never to talk about that night ever again,” he said. “I thought you remembered your confession and that you regretted it. So, I’ve basically been spending the past five years trying to find someone I think is as incredible as you are. And you know what? I come up short every damn time.” Tom took a step closer to you and put his hand on your cheek. “I’m sorry about Shawn,” he whispered, “but I won’t be as sorry if it’s lead you to me.”

Whatever happened after that would stay between you and Tom forever, because Anna Wintour had a strict no-phone policy at the Met Gala, and you had left the paparazzi behind on the carpet. For that, you were extremely grateful. People had been scrutinizing your relationship with Tom for your entire professional lives. It was nice to have its actual beginning be yours and yours alone.

[betanyagito]

3 hours left of this decade here and I promised I’d write a sappy post so [ABBA voice] let’s go gays

Oh man. Oh boy. Was this a time. An entire 10 years spent on the internet. I’ve met people, got into new things, forgot old dreams and made new ones. How old was I when I first started here? 12? 13? It doesn’t feel real honestly. So much has happened that I still think about to this day, and as embarrassed as I am of my roots, I wouldn’t be who I am without them, and I likely wouldn’t have met the people I did if it weren’t for the early day join.mes and art streams from Deviantart and Minecraft askblogs on tumblr dot kom

I am thankful I got to know Minecraft, I got to know Hetalia, I got to know Homestuck. I am thankful these things allowed me to meet people who I couldn’t possibly imagine my life without right now. And that’s honestly the part I want to focus on. My friends

Old friends who I don’t talk to anymore, old friends who I don’t even know if are still around, old friends who still message me again and again sometime (honestly knowing that I’m still on their minds after all these years is the single most heartwarming thing ever), friends who I don’t talk with as frequently but still keep in my mind and get happy whenever we do end up meeting, and friends who are still here every day and support me endlessly.

If I were to talk about each and every one of them I would be sitting here all throughout January so I’ll try to talk about everyone in groups because I do want to take a moment to appreciate everyone. Everyone I’ve met shaped me into the person I am today, and while I am not perfect, I am happy. I am happy that I have the friends I do now

I remember the first big group of friends I’ve had when I first felt like I belonged. Kat, Wesley, Meni, Britain - those Whirled Days. I remember spending hours doing sprite edits and staying up late into the night to make sure I stayed caught up with rp and was present for the trials and murders lmao. I know it all ended on a sour note, but I will always treasure the moments we had together, and I’m so glad that after over six years I am still in touch with some of you. You were my first true out of the country friends, and you all helped me open my horizons and realize that the world is much much bigger than I had thought, and I can find friends anywhere who will love me

DR had stayed with me ever since, and I got to meet Mina, Chinch, Erika and Damien. Oh my god you guys. All my admiration for you four for being able to handle the edgefest that my writing and I was. I can’t believe we’ve lived through the peak days of DR tumblr rp. What a fucking Time that was. I would’ve never discovered my love for writing and betas without you all. You stuck with me through my worst years and always supported my dumb ideas. I remember the skypechats, the craigslist edits, the quiche, the zombie apocalypse, the adoption. I know I said I don’t want to address anyone one-on-one but Mina. Mina. If there’s anyone then you deserve a one-on-one. It’s been six (?) years. We’ve known each other for six (?!) years and we’ve seen each other go through so much. I know I tend to be really bad at communication and often fall short at replies but there’s not a day when I’m not thankful that I’ve met you and I still have you in my life. Your influence on me has been nothing but positive, you’ve taught me so much, how to love life, love my creations, how to be excited about anything. If I was half a good influence on you, I would already call that a success. I hope we will remain friends for a long time. At this point, I couldn’t imagine my life without having you in it. I just love you so much I almost teared up writing this ngl

And this one goes out to those Nanbaka SLUTS who also turned me into a slut who can never step foot into another church ever again. I can’t even recall how exactly I ended up in the discord group, but I know that you all were another milestone for me. Nick, Mew, Kristi, without you guys I would’ve never opened up towards people. I was scared back into my bubble where I just didn’t want to interact with fandoms ever again, but I you guys were one of the most accepting group of people I’ve ever met and probably ever will meet. You welcomed me with warmth and excitement and I still keep so many screenshots of the old discord chat that I read back whenever I need a good hearted laugh. Even now when our interests had changed, I’m so happy that we can still find a common note and have fun with each other. I wish nothing but the best for all of you

This brings us to the current era. All these muppet lovers......all these muppet lovers and I find so many friends.....Stella, Michael, Maple, Daco, Kris, Clover, Katie, Nette, Lili, Dani it was all Your Fault that this obsession started. I had such a fun time with all of you that now my brain cannot stop producing serotonin whenever I see a goddamn potato man. But even besides just having a common interest, you are all such wonderful people. You all helped me out of a rut and helped me shape myself, to be confident in my own opinions, to be able to stand up for myself and to have fun without worrying about what other people think. I am so grateful for every conversation we’ve had, every joke we shared, every idea we came up with together. I had no idea that a gag anime could ever get me such amazing friends, but it happened! And even if I don’t talk with some of you as often anymore, or at all, I will never forget any of you

Standing on more stable feet I was able to reach out to other parts of the fandom and start my own big project in the form of an askblog, and even if it’s stagnant now, it was one of the best decisions of my life, as I got to meet the most wonderful group of people. Nat, Athro, Buns, Turo, Jasp, JM, Lulu, Tris, Holly, Eden, Dairy, Ruri, Timey, Zako, Vivi, Ruah - you’re all just amazing. You accepted me into your group and I honestly feel like we’ve grown into a family. I’ve grown both as an artist and as a person thanks to you all, and I’ve never had such a tight knit group of friends before who’ve supported each other quite like you do. I feel loved and I know my voice is heard whenever I speak. I know that even on my worst days, you all will  be here. I know that you will hear even my most outlandish ideas, you will listen to me ramble about media you’ve never heard of and I more than gladly do the same for all of you too. I’ve never been more confident in my content and especially in my OCs. We’ve created something incredible together, and I am just so incredibly proud that I can say that I belong to MVA, that I can say that “hey thats my friend!!” whenever any of you come up, and I am so happy that I could meet all of you. I truly feel like I’ve become a much better person since meeting all of you. I sincerely hope from the bottom of my heart that we’ll be able to spend many more years together, and watch each other succeed in many more things

Despite what I intended this turned into a pretty lengthy post nevertheless whOOPS. I’m sorry if I left in any typos or anything of the sort. The bottom line of everything is- I’ve had some terrible times this decade. Really, awful times when I thought that theres no way, no way I would be able to continue on. But all these strangers online, who I’ve never even seen in person, you all were and are always there to extend a hand and help me back on my feet. There are many ways in which this decade sucked, there were many terrible news and terrible times, but, it was all worth it. If not for anything else, then for the fact that I’ve got to meet so many amazing and talented people. Thank you all for loving me and calling me a friend. I hope the next decade will treat all of us, but especially you well. You all deserve nothing but the best in your lives and I love all of you so so much

[autisticempathydaemon]

Since you said in response to that one person sending a feedback ask that you like well... feedback:

I'm the person that send an addendum and was talking about dingo productions e.t.c.

You really hit on some of my favorites with Guy, Asher and Ollie (other favorites probably being Elliot and Hux/Damien. Is it getting too obvious by now how i might have a bit of a softspot for friends to lovers?)

And i do have to admit that i might be a bit of a Honey kinnie, so you're not wrong about that either and thanks for saying i've got good taste in things

(And another video essay youtube channel that mostly makes videos about horror stuff i've forgot to mention but recommend if you or anyone reading this haven't heard of him is Sagan Hawkes)

(Also the way i immedietly zommed in on some small typos/auto-corrections in my original ask that bother me now, tho it's probably the kind of thing other people aren't even gonna notice)

(Also, i can't remember if you have the patreon or not but if you do, do you already have an idea who you're gonna vote for in the ba poll?)

Thank you for giving me your feedback, and I’m sorry it takes me forever to answer things!

I’m really glad you liked your match-up and that I pinpointed some of your favorite boys! I love hearing that ❣️ If it helps, I totally didn’t notice any typos or anything. I’m one of those people that reads fast and skims, so those things never register 💙

(also I voted for Gavin and I’m so sour we didn’t get him /lh)

[thezomblr-blog1]

💋 + kissing and biting that patch of exposed flesh on Brian's neck

Control

Been a bit too long since I’ve written some shameless smut on this blog. Luckily I had the perfect prompt from forever ago just sitting in my ask box ♥

They were on the couch – Brian inDamien’s lap with his legs bare and held spread open while theyquivered with want. The ghoul’s toes curled as he hooked hisfeet around Damien’s ankles and squirmed helplessly in the devil’slap with a desperate whine. The kind of sound that surprised himevery time when Damien managed to pull it out of him. It was sofucking foreign to him.

Yet, here they were.  

Brian breathlessly panting out hisneed. Stress melting from his shoulders as he gave into the waves ofpleasure taking hold of his body. Already coming undone thanks to thesweet torture the devil was putting him through. It was a struggle tokeep his legs spread the way his lover wanted them but didn’t want tofind out how he’d be left if he didn’t.

All he could think about was how badlyhe needed that mind numbing release.

Brian’s cock throbbed painfully –standing fully erect and weeping in the open air for attention itwasn’t receiving. Just the feeling of pre dripping down his lengthwas driving him crazy. His blunt nails digging into the couchso he didn’t try touching himself or Damien again. Anotherrule to follow if he’d wanted to be touched again this centuryevening. The AP Torture class must have put ideas into Damien’s headbecause normally he didn’t drag out the teasing this long. Orwas it that Brian was the impatient one this time? Had it really beenthat long? It’s felt like hours – time didn’t have any damnmeaning anymore. His brain felt like it was fucking melting from thepressure building up in his core.

All thanks to one damnable spot.

A spot that the demon had become alltoo acquainted with. The TV show they’d been watching togetherforgotten, Damien was far more occupied with burying his face intothe back of Brian’s neck. His lips attacking a very specific andparticularly sensitive patch of skin with burning kisses and deepbites. Currently, he was lazily flicking his tongue over the raw,bloodied flesh in taunting, irregular intervals. Clearly savouringeach needy whimper, gasp and shudder he could pull out of the ghoulas he turned to putty.

“Fuck, Rotface. You’re such aslut.” the sound of a chuckle was pressed into his skin, as hisforked tongue ran across seared flesh. The devil had him right wherehe wanted him and he knew it, “Haven’t even touched you yet andyou’re ready to burst.”

A moan and a series of heady pants wasall Damien received in response as red hands started to rub and rollBrian’s nipples in between his fingers. Damien’s lips leave morebrands in their wake as he sucks and licks the blackened bloodpooling at the nasty wound he was making. The sweeps of his forkedtongue relentless like he knew the stimulation was slowly waking upevery nerve in his numbed body and setting it on fire.It was getting hard for Brian to feel like he was dragging enoughoxygen into his lungs like this. He wasn’t sure how much more hecould take without going insane.

But that’s just what his lover wantedwasn’t it?  

“Goddammit, Dames!” Brian pantedout, his statement punctuated with the writhing of his hips, “Justfuckin’ do it already.”

“That’s how you’re gonna ask nice?”he could feel the sneer against his skin, could picture thosepredatory eyes glowing like wicked embers, “Forgotten what you arealready, huh? Too bad – Mrrh.. Now you got to work for it.”

The spade-tipped tail slithered overBrian’s hipbone the tip of it flicking just under the ghoul’s navelprompting a snicker when his body reacted with a twitch paired withthe hitching of his breath. The devil was playing him like a damnfiddle. Gods, he wanted it. No he needed it. Briangroaned when the tail finally coiled at the base of his cock and allalong his length. He quivered against Damien’s chest trying hishardest not to just start fucking the coils with all the  fervour hecould muster.  

The ghoul was holding his breath inanticipation – just waiting for the tail to grant him thatglorious friction that would finally grant him release. One ofDamien’s hand came up to grip tightly, possessively at Brian’sthroat – threatening to cut off what little oxygen he had left andheld him in place. He thought this was it – only for a desperatewhine, boarding on a sob to be pulled out of him when the coils ofDamien’s tail instead tightened. Denying Brian any hope of release –only for the tail tip to cruelly rub at the weeping cock head.

“Aah– shiiit… Dames.C'mon– fuckfuckfuck…”

“You want to cum?” Sharp teethteased the shell of his ear, tone barely above a snarl, “then tellme you’re a filthy slut.”

Drool was leaking from the hole in hismouth, his whole body melting against the heat against his back thatDamien provided. Brian leaned his head back to rest on Damien’sshoulder eyes pressed closed and mouth agape while the demon prince’sclaws dug into his fully exposed throat that was rewarded withanother moan. His own face heated with shame. The humiliation onlyadding to the intensity of his desire. There was no resistanceanymore – Damien had broken it again as Brian submitted himself tothe pleasure that only the devil could provide.

“…I’m a filthy slut.”

The sentiment even sounded genuine. Inthat moment he felt like if all his life amounted to was beingDamien’s cumdump he’d be more than okay with that. If he had to havethis feeling of pure bliss extend forever he’d fucking happy. Therewas nothing else in his brain anymore. Empty save for the need to befucked into oblivion by his lover.

“Whose filthy slut?”

Damien’s free hand had slipping frommolesting Brian’s chest to replace his tail at his tip. A single claw teasing him by swirling around the slit and occasionally dippinginto it the slightest amount.

“Yours– haa..haa– I’m yours..”

“Sorry? I said whose filthyslut?”

The pleased growl at his ear was hisonly warning before Damien’s tail starting unravelling from him andhis hand started to pump at him lazily. Just enough to edge him tothe point of insanity.

“I’m your filthy slut,” Hewas reaching his peak. Tone breathless and desperate, “I’m Damien’sfilthy fuckin’ slut!! …Aah–!! PleasePlease.. ha–Dames…please..”

“Damn right you are.”

Without another word Damien, started tojack him off in earnest with long hard strokes in rapid succession.Brian cracked his eyes open as he panted and moan loudly to catch aglimpse of the devil now leaning his face over his shoulder with alewd sneer to admire the view of Brian loosing himself completely.

Not that it took long for his cock tostart shooting off its load into Damien’s hand. Brian’s whole bodytwitching in release as he came so hard he thought for a moment heforgot how to breath, or how to keep his heart beating. There wasnothing but black and white spots dotting his blurred vision as hemade a mess of his stomach and Damien’s hand.

The devil leaned back again, rollinghis hips up once against the ghoul in his lap while he lifted hissoiled hand in front of those hazy silver eyes. Smearing the thick,dripping fluid between his fingers to show off the mess beforewhispering harshly,

“Clean it.”

He didn’t even hesitate. Entirely lustdriven and not coming down from the submissive high Damien had givenhim – like the most potent drug – there was no thinking involved.Just doing. Damien was holding his hand in such a way that Brian hadto lean forward to greedily lick himself off the devil’s palm. Onlyprompting a chuckle from the prince at the other’s eagerness to obeyas he other hand went right to groping the green ass in his lap.

Brian was utterly transfixed by suckingoff the devil’s clawed finger tips that he didn’t notice the tensingof the other. Damien was starting to grind himself between the cleftin the ghoul’s ass when he withdrew his hand from Brian’s lips. Brianonly had enough time to look over his shoulder before he was shovedroughly off Damien’s lap and onto all fours on the floor with thedevil leering down at him.

Oh, this was far from over.

[lostonehero]

A awkward situation

@lostcybertronian

Things Dark has learned. Bing cannot be woken up when he is charging until the plug is removed or he is fully charged. Dark's knowledge has really come in handy for the pair now on either side of Bing. They didn't even know what caused this, but that didn't matter they still had a chain connecting them.

"Damien what the fuck did you do?" Celine hisses covering her naked form looking over to her brother.

Damien looks away as he sits up clearly embarrassed and confused as she is. "How should I know Celine? We're still connected if you haven't noticed." The former mayor bites his lip looking down at the android. "What are we going to do, that demon isn't here at the moment, and Bing will be waking up soon."

Celine's thoughts come to a halt. She forgot about the sweet Bing I'm their bed. "He was bound to find out eventually Damien. Besides I really want to talk with him face to face. He's so cute, and innocent."

"Celine I don't think this is a good idea." Damien frowns.

"You worry too much brother, this will be fine." Celine smiles brushing the hair out of Bing's face.

Bing was the only thing the pair could agree on. They loved the boy much more then the demon ever could... well that's what they thought anyways. The colorful android who could never know his own self worth was like a diamond in the rough to them priceless, and amazing.

......

Bing powered on to a empty bed. This wasn't unusually because Dark normally like to get a lot done in the morning to lead to free nights. Bing didn't mind because it meant he could surprise Dark today by dressing up in a suit for the first time. He laughed to himself. Dsrk will be so surprised.... he really hoped Dark would like it.

A message from Oliver popped up in front of his eyes. "Dark is split at the moment...... you probably knew that Bing, but they want to see you."

Confusion filled the android as he finished straighten out his suit. "Bro what are you talking about? I just finished charging." Bing quickly sends back.

A message pops up immeditally giving a lengthy detail message about what happened from blue. Oliver added emojis which made Bing smile.

Well Bing knew Dark had two people inside him.... he guessed he will meet them now. He needed to make a good first impression.

But what if they didn't like him? What if they hated the suit? What if they hated androids? What if....

Bing was in full panic mode and his systems were overheating. He needed to calm down.

Just relax Bing Dark will be back. He promised remember. Just get through this. Just breath even though you're a android who doesn't breathe it's the thought that counts.

........

"How many time must we do this Celine, this was your fault." Damien growled under his breath getting to his last nerve with his sister.

"Oh please Damien, it's your own fault your so weak." Celine stops for a moment about to continue when the chain between the pair snag and pull them closer together giving off a dark glow.

So the demon Dark is the chain.... why would he do this? Damien thought to himself as he looked to his sister who came to the same conclusion.

They sat across from each other at the kitchen table the tension is so strong that even the googles had to leave. Wilford isn't going in the room with a ten foot pole, he accidentally said he give his heart to Celine and now Bim refuses to talk to him.

A soft mechanical whirl averted Damien's focus from breakfast, and he looked at awe at Bing.

"Uh hey dude I know Oliver told me that Dark split in two, but uh I really wanted to show how the suit fit me..... this was stupid sorry dude welcome to ego inc." Bing looks down clearly embarrassed and ashamed.

Damien's face breaks out in a red blush as a blue aura nearly encases the entire room. "H-hello Bing..... oh fuck me you're cute." He squeaks out.

Bing let's out a mechanical error sound as Celine turns and makes a suggestive movement at him. "Oh....OH you two must be.... ah sorry dudes." Bing looks away embarrassed. "Guess that's what happens when you're a defect like me can't figure out basic things."

A red and blue aura mix filling up the whole room as the pair quickly rush over to tackle the android to the ground.

"Oh my lovely Bing I would rather die then hear those words from your lips." Celine whispers in Bing's ear.

"We are here for you my sweet love." Damien whispers in the other.

Bing gets up quickly picking up the pair like they were feathers. "T-thanks uh I need to go." The android quickly runs out of the room leaving a lovestruck pair.

........

Bing was removing the suit putting back on his casual clothes back in the room he shared with Dark... he guessed now Celine and Damien. He missed his Dark. He just wanted his lover back. He didn't know those two. They seemed nice, but ...... he shook his head.

"Bing there you are we've been meaning to speak with you in private." The woman Celine spoke up as she entered with Damien behind. Bing noticed they were chained together.

"Sorry for my comments earlier they were out of line. We're practically strangers... you know the demon we merely watched from the sidelines." Damien stops watching Bing hold up his hand.

"Wait you watch everything?" Bing asks curious nervousness filled his voice.

"Of course my sweet. We reside inside Dark we see, feel, hear, touch,... and taste whe he does." Celine says with a smile.

"Celine... please you're making him nervous." Damien hisses at his sister.

Bing let's out a mechanical whirl of a artificial breath. "Oh fuck me dude.... thank God I thought Dark just gave you guys a run down." Bing laughs a bit making the cold Celine blush.

They end up talking for hours easing the timid android into relaxing into the pair.

"So Wilford wasn't always crazy I guess..... and it was Celine's fault." Bing emits a hologram playing out what he was told.

"Basically my sister was using everyone." Damien frowns but bites back a insult as bing looks up at him the black and orange eyes melt his anger away.

"Well yeah I regret things now since I'm trapped by a demon... but I'm glad I am now since I've met you Bing." Celine smiles at Bing.

Bing blushes at the pair. "Bro I'm going to fritz if you two keep at this." Bimg whines not really meaning it as he snuggles in between the pair. "I won't do anything with you two yet not until I get the ok from Dark.... but I'm happy we got to meet."

Before the pair could respond the chain lulls dragging the two together and Dark appears on top of Bing. "Maybe your birthday my little sparkplug well do some special stuff with them. By the way you look absolutely stunning in that suit my love."

Bing's eyes glitch, and his face glows bright orange. "D-Dark please it's the afternoon......"

"Why Bing has that stopped us before? My love I just couldn't let them have you while I just watched." Dark purred as Bing squirmed under him.

"Dark you're so needy... thank you." Bing smiles as Dark embraces Bing in a cuddle.

"No work today my love my only focus is on you." Dark hums against Bing's ear jealously of the own people stuck in his mind can be heard as he spoke.

Bing stifles back a laugh. "Thank you Dark but you shouldn't be jealous of yourself."

"Oh hush my love I can be jealous of anyone who holds you that isn't me." Dark retorts as he watches Bing smile.

[spookyscarydarky]

3 and darkstache (hopefully angsty)

i’m horrible with angst so forgive me friend, haha

All it took for Wilford to relapse was that stupid cane. 

Dark knew he should have thrown it away, but Damien had insisted on keeping the damn thing.  A reminder of who I used to be, and who we are now, the man had explained; and Dark was aware he only wanted the cane for it’s sentimental value, but he had allowed it.  

Which was clearly a foolish mistake, as Dark noted the way Wilford’s knuckles turned white from how tightly he held onto the cane.  The two of them were in Dark’s room, and Wilford had been searching through Dark’s closet in search of a dress shirt he wanted to wear for his interview; Dark hadn’t expected him to come back out with Damien’s cane in his hand and a blank look on his face.

“This…where did you get this?” Wilford asked in a monotonous tone; it was strikingly different from his upbeat personality, and Dark hesitated to respond.  Internally, he could feel Damien and Celine’s souls begin to stir as they realized the severity of the situation.

“It’s just an old cane I found years ago; I forgot that was there.  Here, let me-”

“-No, that doesn’t make sense.  This cane…a friend of mine had this, a long time ago.  It even has the same top.” Wilford noted quietly as he ran his fingers over the silver part of the cane.  Dark could see the gears beginning to turn in Wilford’s head, and for the first time he was nervous.  Damien’s was beginning to push against him as his friend slowly started to put the pieces together; Dark could not allow this.

“It’s a common design Wil, I’m sure there are many like this.  Let’s just put that back and get you ready for your interview.” Dark tried to distract his boyfriend as he reached out for the cane.  He flinched when Wilford stepped back, holding the cane tightly to his chest.  His eyes were wide, and he looked at Dark with a mixture of confusion and…fear.

“Damien.  His name was Damien.” Dark’s shell cracked at the name, and he could feel Damien growing stronger at the mention of his name.  He remembers me, Damien cried out in his mind, he said my name!  It’s okay William; I’m here!  Tell him I’m here!

“I’m sorry, but I don’t know any Damien.  You seem confused.” Dark lied.  He could feel his control starting to slip, and he fought back to keep Damien in check.  Wilford narrowed his eyes in suspicion as he forced himself to think back to all those years ago.  A party.  A murder.  A manor that had a mind of it’s own.  A friend who ruled a city.  A friend who betrayed them all.  And…a woman.

“Celine?” Wilford muttered to himself, trying to remember what these people meant to him.  He didn’t notice the way Dark’s shell cracked, or the intensity of Dark’s aura growing as both souls fought against Dark desperately.  Damien and Celine screamed and clawed at Dark, the siblings begging for William to see them. 

We have to tell him, he needs us!  He can’t think we abandoned him!  We’re right here William, please see us!  I love him, you can’t do this to me!  He’s my best friend and he thinks we left him alone!  William come back to us!  William remember us!  We have to tell him!  We have to tell him!  We have to tell him!

“Look, can you just tell me what is going on?” 

Dark pulls away from his internal struggles, and he looks up to see Wilford is already looking at him.  He looks broken and lost, and Dark knows this is the only chance he’ll have to explain everything to Wilford.  That horrible night of death and betrayal; the night that took everything away from them. 

Dark can hear Damien and Celine pleading for mercy, and he comes to a decision.

“There is nobody who goes by the names of Damien or Celine.  This is just a useless cane I found; it means nothing.  Now, stop this nonsense, you’re going to be late for your interview.” Dark snaps, and he grabs the cane from Wilford’s hands before the other can react.  He snaps the cane in half and drops the remains to the floor with a look of disgust.

Wilford stares emptily at the pieces for a moment.  And then he shakes his head as if he’s trying to rid himself of the memories he was just beginning to remember.  He closes his eyes for a moment, and when he opens them again he smiles at Dark cheerfully.  It’s almost like he’s forgotten about the conversation that took place only seconds ago.  

“You’re right, Darky.  I can’t be late for my own interview!” The pink ego giggled, and Dark sighed in relief.  This time he helped the other pick out a dress shirt, a simple white one that would go well with his pink suspenders.  

And as the two of them left for Wilford’s studio, Dark ignored the defeated siblings.  The two of them hissed and cursed at him, trying to claw at him from the inside out so they could reach for their friend and lover.  But Dark forced the two of them back, mindlessly nodding to Wilford as he gushed about his next interview.   

He can’t have Wilford to remember who he used to be.  He won’t allow it.   

[mlmichaelharrison]

Dark Secrets - Damien Nazario x MC (Kai)

Outline: gender-neutral MC (called Kai as it's the default name) and Damien start their traditional viewing of A Battle of Crowns together when Kai finds one of Damien’s deepest, darkest secrets… Warnings: swearing, slow burn relationship, mentions of alcoholism Word count: 2,681 (I'm so sorry haha) Hope you like it!

As Damien opened the door to his apartment, you’re greeted by a man you hardly recognized. “Whoa… who are you?” You asked with a slight laugh, and Damien looked at you, confused before he realized what you were referring to and took his thin-framed glasses off instantly. “You saw nothing.” He rushed and stepped aside for you to walk in. “Were those reading glasses?” You teased and pried and he rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah,” he mumbled. “We don’t all have perfect eyesight like you.” “Aww, you said I’m perfect!” “That was absolutely not what I just said, but sure.” He said, shaking his head as he locked his door up. “You really are secure, aren’t you?” You said, watching him slide bolt after bolt over the door. He shrugged. “I’m a P.I, what more do you expect? People have wanted me dead before, I’m not taking any chances!” he chuckled as you slumped onto his couch, looking at the TV which wasn’t on. Odd, he almost always has the TV on. “I bet you’re hiding some really dark secrets in here…” You teased and he rolled his eyes. “Legal case files and documents lying around, handgun in my drawer, all of my personal details; my apartment is definitely not one for any random member of public.” He responded, sitting down next to you and turning the TV on, the channel currently on a radio station. “Oh, what station is that?” You asked excitedly and he smiled, unmuting it and letting You Really Got Me Going by The Kinks play through his sound system. He looked over at them, tapping his foot lightly as he recited the words to himself. You really got me going, you got me so I don’t know what I’m doing now. Yeah, you really got me now, you got me so I can’t sleep at night. “One of the only good stations out there. Rock classics. Mostly from the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s. I say rock, but they also play punk, punk rock, some metal-” “Wait.” You interrupted and he looked abruptly at you, cocking an eyebrow up. “You have a handgun?” You asked in shock. He shrugged and nodded. “Well, yeah. As I said, I’m a private investigator and I’ve had my life threatened more than once. Self-defence.” You looked at him a little longer and he rolled his eyes. “Of course I have a licence, Kai, I’m not an idiot.” He said as if reading your mind. You breathe out a sigh of relief, and then the curiosity crept back. “That’s so cool, can I see it?” “Of course not. I'm not an idiot, but you sure are.” He responded with a smirk playing on his lips. “Oh, please, D. I just want to see it!”  “If you can find it.” He said, turning back to the screen and starting to flick through channels. You took this as a challenge, jumping up and opening drawers frantically. Damien rolled his eyes at you but was still smiling. You rummaged through some drawers, finding pens, torches, paper clips and huge abundances of paper, but no gun. Feeling a little defeated and not wanting to invade his personal space more, you start to close the drawer, before your eye caught something. A small, biro drawing of some flowers. You smiled a little and reopened the drawer, scanning the slightly crumpled piece of paper.

Flowers of the fields What do they know? How many lovers have they seen Tumble through the snow?

Though they struggle through Winter They always make it through, And in Spring they are reborn Into something beautifully new.

You smile to yourself at the amazing discovery you had just made. Damien writes poetry. You can’t help yourself from moving that sheet aside and eagerly try to read the next piece.

Good people are a rare thing, So hold on while you can- They’ll be there for you through everything And they’ll be your biggest fans.

Good people are a rare thing, But you have somehow found them. This is me reminding: Don’t fuck this up, Damien!

You grinned more and looked at the small, printed photo of you, him and Nadia paper clipped to it. You took a look at the next one.

“The whiskey only speaks so loudly And it never says enough, But it’s the only comforter On nights that are too rough” - d.n.

You frown a little upon reading that one and turn cautiously towards Damien. You can’t help but feel a little guilty. Firstly, you were definitely invading his privacy, but then you remembered that that’s his job, so you shouldn’t feel guilty doing it back. He also managed to find all of your diaries and read everything from your teenage years, luckily narrowly avoiding the more recent ones, so this was payback! Secondly, this showed that he does have emotions, and he doesn’t have a great way of dealing with them. He bottles it all up and downs bottles of alcohol. Not exactly healthy. You stare at his face as it’s illuminated by the flickers of the TV. His dark brown eyes seem glued to the screen and his hair has started to overgrow a bit. He rested his head on his fist and had his legs curled up on the couch where you otherwise would have sat. He smiled a little and you heard canned laughter, smiling a little to yourself as his face changed. He was beautiful.

You turned back into the drawer and noticed that there were so many more- a huge clump of paper all with stanzas scattered across them. There must have been nearly 100 pieces there. As you skimmed your hand over one, a bit of wet ink smudged under your fingertip. You were surprised at how recently it was written, and couldn’t keep your curiosity at bay.

Insp: Ever Fallen in Love (With Someone You Shouldn’t’ve) - The Buzzcocks

I’m trapped And you could never know. I’m wrapped Up in fantasies. Too slow.

You frowned again, assuming that this was about his ex-partner that he very rarely talks about. He’s only ever spoken about her when drunk or as a truth or dare question, never on his own accord.

I’m out of the picture, A dirty wreck living in reverse Because if I say, I risk losing you And that is far worse.

I’ve fallen in love with someone I shouldn’t have- I’m lost for words and -

“Oi! Out of there!” Damien snapped suddenly, making you jump and drop the papers. “Sorry, but those are strictly forbidden!”

“But D,” you whined softly.

He hadn’t realized how out of it he was. He hadn’t slept all night, instead working on a case, and he was going to catch up with sleep now. But, of course, he had planned to watch the new episode of A Battle of Crowns with Kai; it was their tradition. They always came early, though, so they could catch up or watch shitty comedies, but he hadn’t realized that during the shitty comedy he was watching that he forgot that Kai was even there. When he looked up at them from the TV screen, he was horrified to find that they were standing at the chest of drawers that he kept his work in. He didn’t mean to snap, he just panicked.

“No, Kai!” He whined back, his face growing redder. “I had no idea you wrote poetry!” He visibly cringed as they said it aloud. “Sh, keep your voice down, someone could hear you.” “Damien, what are you ashamed of? They’re beautiful!” He rolled his eyes, but actually felt a small sense of pride. No one had read any of his work before, so hearing that it was actually good from someone was really nice for him. But, of course, he’d never show that. He looked at the piece on top of the pile and his eyes widened. “Whoa! Not that one! That one is definitely off limits!” He said, panic setting in as his heart rate increased and palms started sweating. He reached to take it but Kai picked it up first and held it up high. “I thought that they were all ‘strictly forbidden’?” Kai said, smiling. They didn’t quite realize the weight of the work they held or why it was so important that they didn’t see it. Damien sighed. “Well, yes, they are, but that one in particular-” He cut himself off with a grunt as he reached for it. Kai laughed lightly and leaned further back, their back resting on top of the cabinet as they held it at arm's length upwards. Damien started to panic more, because if Kai doesn’t realize who the poem is about now, they’re damn going to know by the end of the poem when it says their name. He pushed Kai further against the cabinet and pressed his entire body against theirs, trying to reach the piece of paper. Every inch of their bodies were touching, and their faces only a tiny distance apart, and they could feel each other’s breaths on their skin. Damien took a moment to look down at Kai’s face as they tried to read the weirdly angled sheet of paper. He could stare at their face for hours, sometimes has. Every now and then, if they see a movie, he’ll spend most of the time watching their reactions and how their emotions change their face and- seriously, hours. He stared at them now, their smile wide as they squirmed. He imagined keeping them pinned down and catching their lips in his. He imagined wrapping his arms around them right now and kissing their lips over and over and over again. He licked his lips quickly and leaned a bit closer before gaining control over himself and reaching up higher, but to no avail. Kai snorted at him and he squinted his eyes in response. “I will win.” They mumbled and Damien shook his head. “Not on my watch.” He moved his body off of theirs and instead climbed on top of the cabinet, snatching the paper from their hands and sitting on top of the chest of drawers, leaning his back against the wall and sighing with relief. He let his legs dangled over the edge and he folded the paper up into a tiny size before putting it in his back pocket. Kai huffed and folded their arms and Damien, breathless, stuck his tongue out in response. He looked at them for a moment, seeing the disappointment in their face, and felt guilty. “Fine…” He said after a moment of silence. He rolled his eyes and jumped down, rummaging through the pieces of paper and handing his friend one of them. “That’s one I’m okay with you reading. But if you dare tell anyone about these…” He trailed off as Kai’s smile widened and made him love fall in love with them again. He felt the familiar warmth and tightness in his chest and his throat felt as though it had constricted. Heat started to rise to his cheeks and he quickly looked away. “Yeah, don’t tell anyone. Out of the two of us, I’m the one with a gun.” He said quickly, feeling a stabbing pain in his chest when they laughed. Just as he moved to close the drawer, Kai wrapped their arms around him tightly. He froze and clenched his jaw closed before wrapping one arm around them. They had no idea what they were doing to him. He closed his eyes and sighed before moving to shut the drawer. “I’m getting locks on this tomorrow. I’m not joking.” He said, whilst Kai’s eyes scanned the page he gave them.

He’ll never be okay again - Not by the Spring, When the flowers bloom, Nor by the Summer, [...]

Damien watched Kai’s eyebrows furrow as they read it through. He stared at their perfect features illuminated by the small amount of light in his apartment. He appreciated the silence they gave and how respectful they were of his work. He had to look away again and gave himself something to do as they continued to read. He changed the TV channel back to the radio station he was playing earlier when he wrote about Kai, Astro Zombies by The Misfits playing now. He played the radio station earlier for some nostalgia- and as he was dancing through his apartment, the Buzzcocks’ song stuck out to him as something he could relate to. Something… inspiring. He got his glasses and a biro and started scribbling out the poem.

Kai was still silently reading this one, one written about his partner from years ago, rewritten recently. He hardly related to it anymore, but was determined to make it better.

[...] When the radios boom, Nor by the Autumn, When the clouds loom, Nor by next Winter,

Never again.

Kai bit their lip as it quivered a bit. He’ll never be okay again. Kai wished they could make him okay. They wished they could just say it and for once he would actually believe it. They longed to be able to come home to him and be able to hug him and to be able to count his drinks and tell him to slow down and to be able to tell him when he’s overworking himself- “Shit, are you okay?” Damien asked, a little panicked by the tear that dripped down their face. They smiled a little and nodded, unconvincingly, dropping down onto the couch. “I’m sorry, perhaps I should have found a more uplifting one for you-” “It’s about you, right?” Kai asked, taking Damien by surprise. He looked down and simply shrugged. “He? He is you, right?” They asked again, more insistent. Damien sat up on the sofa, muting the TV. “Yes, but it’s okay now.” “Are you sure about that?” Kai turned to him and he looked around, avoiding eye contact. “Yeah, why not?” He said in a lighthearted tone. Kai just stared at him. “Okay, well I’m better about the subject, at least. It doesn’t weigh me down as much. I’m fine, honest, I’m fine.”

Kai stared at his face a little longer. They just wanted to lean into him, cup his face and kiss him to say I know you aren't alright but I want to help fix that. He wanted the same, and subconsciously leaned towards them in anticipation. He wondered if their lips would feel as soft as they looked. He wished he could find out, just lean a little closer… He moved back again. “Anyways, let’s never mention my… writing… ever again, and let’s watch this show.” He said, changing the channel back and unmuting it. The title credits were rolling and he rested his chin on his fist again, glancing over at Kai who wiped their eyes clean and settled down to watch. The words in his pocket felt burnt into him as the darn song repeated in his head.

I’m trapped And you could never know. I’m wrapped Up in fantasies. Too slow.

I’m out of the picture, A dirty wreck living in reverse Because if I say, I risk losing you And that is far worse.

I’ve fallen in love with someone I shouldn’t have- I’m lost for words and spend every night alone Thinking about how they smile And how their arms feel like home.

But if I were ever to say that, I’d break everything. And if I stay silent, I break myself. There really is no winning, So, I guess I’ll just stay stealth

About how I’ve fallen in love with you And I know that I shouldn’t have- But the way you say my name Makes me wish you’d feel it back.

And when I look into your eyes It makes me feel like dirt, Because you are everything perfect And there is so much more that you deserve.

You deserve this “perfect match” And you deserve to have a good friend. And though, holy fuck, Kai, it hurts, I’d never want it to end.

A/N: Hi! I've never ever publicly posted fanfiction before so I guess this is new? Anyways, I'm a writer and poet, so if you want to request anything just let me know and I'd be glad to write you something when I can! I've currently only played Perfect Match and The Freshman/Sophomore/Junior (what a disappointing start to the Junior am I right lmao), and I'm playing a few more (currently developing a love for Drake 😍). If you're interested in other writing/poetry let me know and I can link my wattpad???

Thanks for reading if you did! - Cj