#i forgot about the archive series i had started a while back i am sorry

[irishseeeker]

                                        the story of us

summary:  Five times Kate Sheffield and Anthony Bridgeton were just friends and one time they were more.

find chapter 1 here or here

find chapter 2 here or here

find chapter 3 here or here

find chapter 4 here or here

find chapter 5 part 1  here or here

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chapter 5 part 2: all along there was some invisible string tying you to me

Anthony Bridgerton was an idiot.

He wasn’t just an idiot. You see, usually idiots are not aware of their idiocy. They live carefree and blissfully unaware of their idiocy.

Anthony knew he was being an idiot.

It was eating him alive.

He didn’t stop it, though. He didn’t know what else to do. He kept his distance from Kate as much as he could. It was the only thing he could think to do.

It was just so difficult.

He would screw it up. He would break them. It’s what he did. He screwed things up. He had nearly screwed things up with Daphne and Simon, he had screwed things up with Siena and he would screw things up with Kate.

Kate had been a constant in his life since he was nineteen years old.

Kate was his lifeline.

Anthony knew he shouldn’t put that all on her but he didn’t have a choice. There was nothing he could control when it came to Kate Sheffield. He had been completely hers since the moment they sat down in that lecture hall and she announced that he was wrong to their entire lecture.

Then proceeded to argue with him for the next thirty minutes.

He never stood a chance.

Kate deserved everything. She didn’t need someone who had an irrational fear of dropping dead from a bee sting and couldn’t manage a healthy relationship.

It’s not like he tried.

What was the point? They weren’t Kate.

Anthony needed time.

He needed time to figure it out. He could manage it. He had to get his head straight and learn to just erase his feelings and the constant pain. He had to learn to adapt and inevitably watch her be happy with someone else.

If they got too close, they would implode. The fine line between them had grown thinner and thinner and they were in the danger zone. They had been since their kiss.

It couldn’t happen again.

The thing about Kate was she still had that magic.

Kate believed in love. Kate wanted that struck by lightning, unconditional and inconceivable type of love. She deserved that type of love.

Kate deserved to feel the way Anthony felt every time he looked at her.

Anthony wasn’t a complete pessimist, he knew love existed. He had grown up watching his parents madly in love until his dad died. His mother had barely recovered from it. Anthony still hadn’t recovered from it. Violet Bridgerton still had bad days, days where she forgot to pick up Hyacinth or Gregory from school or lay in bed all day, barely moving. How could he do that to Kate? How could he let himself go through that?

That type of love wasn’t something he could give her.

That’s why he couldn't try with Kate. If there was a chance something could happen between them, he wouldn’t take it.

He wouldn't ruin that kind of love for her.

He would always love her, he would just have to let someone else do it.

He just had to figure out how to.

His only plan so far was avoiding her.

That plan was pretty flawed so far.

Anthony didn’t want to hurt Kate. He knew he was hurting her anyway, he didn’t miss her hurt expressions or uncharacteristic silences when he made an excuse that he had to go out for a while or that he would be late coming home. He was trying to fix things before something bad happened.

It’s just incredibly difficult to avoid the one person you spend all your time with and you happen to live with.

He wasn’t necessarily avoiding her, he was just distancing himself temporarily from her while he sorted things out. which is something he liked to convince himself of to try not feel like a complete and utter asshole.

He had even booked hotel rooms to try to get some sleep. How could he sleep when Kate was a few metres away from him? How could he concentrate on anything but Kate when she was close to him?

He needed to protect them.

He needed boundaries.

He also needed Kate.

“Anthony!” Hyacinth shouted cheerfully, grinning widely at her brother as she ran towards him from the school’s front door. Anthony had been leaning against the railing of the gate, waiting for Hyacinth and Gregory to finish school.

His afternoon meetings had been cancelled so he called their nanny, Pippa and told her to take the rest of the day off. His mother had been down at Aubrey Hall for the week with builders planning some reconstruction and she was due back this evening. She hadn’t said anything yet but he suspected it had something to do with preparations for Daphne’s wedding. Anthony wanted to see his siblings and he needed a distraction from the million thoughts running through his head.

“Hi titch,” Anthony said, grinning back at her as he leaned down and picked her up, resting her on his hip. She was too old at seven to be carried around, but he didn’t really care. He needed Hyacinth to stay little for as long as possible. “How was school? Have you seen Greg?”

“It was fun,” She murmured, resting her cheek on his shoulder and letting out a small yawn. “We had to draw our favourite animal, so I obviously drew Newton.”

Anthony couldn’t stop the smirk breaking out on his face. “Obviously. Can I see?”

Hyacinth nodded slowly, wiggling out of his arms so she could open up her Jurassic Park backpack. She pulled out a piece of paper with her drawing, which had a crayon version of what Anthony guessed was Hyacinth, Gregory, Kate, Anthony and the ginger blob in the middle that was Newton.

Something inside of Anthony’s chest clenched.

“Be careful,” Hyacinth scolded, prying the paper out of Anthony’s hands. “I’m going to give it to Kate.”

Anthony bent down to Hyacinth’s eye level, smiling at her as he held open her back and put the picture back inside. “Kate will love it.”

Kate would love it. She was so incredible with Hyacinth and Gregory and they adored her. Kate kept everything they had given her over the years, it had been pinned up on Anthony’s fridge along with the drawings and pictures he’d received from them since Kate had moved in.

They also adored her demon corgi, who had taken over Anthony’s flat for weeks. The little shit climbed into his bed every single night and he knew Anthony wouldn’t kick him out. He had given up a long time ago.

He also started walking him whenever Kate couldn’t, she usually brought him in the evenings and Anthony in the morning when he went for his daily jog.

It made Kate insanely happy when he did it, so obviously Anthony was going to do it.

He had quickly snapped a sly picture when Hyacinth wasn’t looking, he had to send it to Kate. There was no harm in it. Right?

It was just a picture.

Anthony: [sent an image]

Anthony: Your demon inspired Hyacinth’s picture for animal day. She’s excited to show you this later.

Kate: omg. I want to cry that is so bloody cute. Can’t wait to pin it up on the fridge. You look like you’ve put on a few pounds though x

Kate: please do not talk about your godson like that

Anthony: Please, I’m still the best looking guy you’ll ever know.

Kate: sorry, it’s spelled p-a-t-h-e-t-i-c*

Anthony: Sorry, it’s spelled I-am-letting-you-live-in-my-flat*

Kate: My presence is a gift.

Anthony: Also-We’re not getting into this again. I have no familial relation to Newton.

Kate: He has your middle name!

Anthony: Dogs don’t have middle names!

Kate: Do you want to see his birth certificate?

Anthony: Do you mean the certificate you made yourself and framed on your wall? Unfortunately, I’ve seen it more than once. That’s enough for a lifetime.

Kate: [sent an image]

Anthony: Your middle finger is a bit wonky.

Kate: [sent an image]

Anthony: I hope your boss saw you take that.

Anthony chuckled under his breath as he looked up from his phone, spotting Gregory talking to a few of his friends across the playground before waving at Anthony, jogging towards them. He glanced back at the text chain, internally cursing at himself. Why did he always have to flirt with her? He couldn’t help it.

“Hey mate!” Anthony grinned as Gregory reached them, wearing his football kit. They were heading straight to Gregory’s football training in a nearby park, where Anthony and Hyacinth would go for a walk and wait for training to finish. Anthony ruffled his hair, taking his bag and sports bag. “Good day?”

“Hey!” Gregory said, grunting at Hyacinth before beaming up at Anthony. Anthony knew it wouldn’t last forever but he’d pay every cent he had to keep Greg looking at him like he was his hero. “Are you coming to watch me play football?”

“Of course I am,” Anthony said, nudging at Hyacinth to start walking towards the car. “I can’t wait. Are you excited? Come on, we better get going.”

“Anthony! Hello!” A blonde woman Anthony had definitely seen before was standing around a group of women, with their kids running around them and screaming. She practically pushed another woman out of the way to get to him. “How are you?”

He couldn’t for the life of him remember who she was. “Hello,” He said lamely, glancing at Gregory and Hyacinth who looked bored and were absolutely no help. “I’m great, thank you. How are you? Nice to see you again. I’m sorry, we’re just in a bit of a rush.”

It was slightly rude of him but once one of these parents cornered you, you’d be stuck there for hours. He wasn’t going to get stuck talking about a bake sale for the next half an hour.

“I’m lovely thank you-Oh! Yes, of course. You’re such a good brother. Have a good day!” The blonde woman called after Anthony as he hastily nudged Hyacinth and Gregory along. “If you need any help or are interested in the bake sale next week, I can give you my number-”

“Get in,” Anthony practically hissed urgently, waving his hand in the direction of the women but quickly flicking open his boot and car.

“One of them is Sasha’s mum,” Hyacinth grumbled, glancing back at the herd of women whose eyes had followed them towards Anthony’s car. “They think you’re good looking.”

Anthony threw their bags in the boot and opened the back door, winking at Hyacinth as she climbed into the car. “Well, they’re not wrong.”

Anthony laughed as Hyacinth and Gregory both made disgusted faces.

Gregory frowned at his passenger side. “I’m too old for a car seat.”

Anthony rolled his eyes. “The law would argue otherwise. In.”

Gregory took one look at his brother’s face and didn’t argue, grumbling as he moved into the car seat. Anthony checked their seatbelts and once everything was set, he climbed in himself and drove off to the park.

“When are you and Kate getting married?”

“What?” Anthony’s eyes snapped towards the rearview mirror, widening as he looked at Hyacinth.

Hyacinth didn’t seem phased whatsoever by her question. “When are you and Kate getting married?”

“We’re not,” Anthony said with a steady voice, glancing towards Greg who was too consumed with his Nintendo to care about the conversation. Is that what they both taught? “Why would you ask that?”

Hyacinth shrugged. “Daph and Simon are getting married.”

“That’s because they’re engaged.”

“Oh,” Hyacinth said slowly, her eyebrows furrowing slightly as she processed the conversation. “Why aren’t you and Kate engaged?”

“Kate and I are friends,” Anthony explained, feeling the dampness of his palms against the steering wheel. “We’re not like Daphne and Simon.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure,” Anthony said, a slight edge of irritation in his voice as he focused back on the road. He didn’t need to be mean, Hyacinth didn’t understand what she was talking about. “Why are you asking so many questions?”

“Well, people in love get married right?”

“Yes.”

“Daphne and Simon love each other?”

“They do.”

“Did Mum and Dad love each other?”

Anthony felt himself soften. “Very much.”

“Don’t you love Kate?”

“I do,” Anthony said hesitantly because he did in the exact way Hyacinth was asking but he didn’t really feel like getting into that. “People can love each other and not get married. It’s different for Kate and I-”

“No it’s not,” Hyacinth interrupted, a finality to the tone of her voice. It was the tone she used before she had a complete fit or meltdown. “I better be a flower girl.”

Anthony knew he was fighting a losing battle, and the irony of that statement wasn’t lost on him in relation to his current predicament. “At our non-existent wedding? Of course you can.”

Hyacinth stuck his tongue out at her and it reminded him so much of Kate, he nearly laughed out of relief and pain.

There it was again.

Kate.

Kate was constantly on his mind.

This was the problem. It was hit fault. This wasn’t the first time a family member, well, not just his family-anyone-had suggested there was something going on between him and Kate. They weren’t just friends. Kate was his best friend, she was everything but she had always been something a little bit more.

He had found her eight years ago and he didn’t know what to do.

Now, it felt like it was too late.

What the hell was he going to do?

Anthony couldn’t get Kate’s hurt look out of his head as he charged out of the house. It even momentarily distracted him from the blind fury he was feeling while he drove to the police station.

Benedict and Simon were right behind him, Benedict climbing into the front and Simon into the back. Anthony put the car in gear, speeding out of the driveway. The police station Colin was detained in wasn’t far and Anthony had already sorted out everything.

“Why did you do that?” Benedict asked, breaking the silent and tense atmosphere in the car as Anthony danced along the speeding limit, his foot pressing onto the accelerator to get to Colin.

He was relieved his brother was okay because Anthony was going to kill him himself.

“What?”

“Why didn’t you let Kate come? Over Simon?” Benedict asked, staring flatly at Anthony. “No offence Simon.”

Simon shook his head, pursing his lips. “None taken. I’m happy-well, not happy-happy to help.”

“I didn’t let Kate do anything.” Anthony said, in complete disbelief Benedict was bringing this up. There was a reason he didn’t let Kate come, he was trying to distance her from all of his shit. She didn’t need to be involved in this.

“Oh right,” Benedict said, sarcasm dripping in his tone which pissed off Anthony even further. “That makes sense. As if Kate isn’t involved in everything to do with you and our family. Kate is a part of our family. Why haven’t you done something about it?”

“She doesn’t need to be involved in this.” What the hell was Benedict doing? Why did it feel like everyone was against him? Anthony was trying, he was bloody trying and everything still went to complete shit.

Benedict didn’t buy a word of it. “Are you ever going to tell her?”

“Don’t start this shit tonight Ben,” Anthony said, his tense voice a warning, not a request. “Our brother is in jail.”

“I’m just saying-”

“I didn’t ask,” Anthony interrupted swiftly, his grip on the wheel tightening significantly. He could practically feel the vein in his forehead bulging. “Drop it.”

Anthony could see Benedict glance back at Simon, making some sort of gesture but Simon just shrugged, shaking his head.

Smart move, Hastings.

“Let’s go,” Anthony said once they arrived at the station, getting out of the car and walking into the empty police station. He paid Colin’s bail, filling out a form as he waited for an officer to bring Colin out.

Colin eventually appeared, looking worse for wear. He didn’t look in any way hurt, which made Anthony relax slightly. The blue shirt he was wearing was rumpled and the mop of brown hair on the top of his head was sticking up in various directions, but he was okay.

“Anthony-”

“Not a fucking word,” Anthony snapped, his voice deadly low as he looked at Colin who shut his mouth quickly. “Follow Ben to the car. Now.”

Benedict lightly squeezed Colin on the shoulder as Colin walked towards him, opening and closing his mouth before deciding to do what Anthony said.

Anthony had to take a few deep breaths before he walked out towards the car. He needed to keep his cool. Whatever happened, Colin was his brother and it didn’t need to result in a huge argument. As long as Colin took responsibility for his actions, it would be relatively okay.

Colin was twenty-two years old and still acting like a complete child. He traveled whenever he wasn’t at university and didn’t show any responsibility when it came to their family and his own life. Anthony was trying to not get too involved, getting Colin to even go to university had taken ten years off his life but sometimes Colin really tested his patience.

Anthony’s cool temperament lasted about twenty seconds once he got into the car.

“It wasn’t my fault.”

Anthony snorted while Benedict sighed deeply. “It never is, is it Colin?” “I was drunk,” Colin said, slumping in his seat like Gregory did when he was annoyed about something. “Marina dumped me. I met up with my mates and got drunk. It was a mistake. How was I supposed to know you’re not meant to piss on statues?”

Anthony hesitated for a moment, glancing back at his brother’s face. Colin was in pain. He had really liked Marina, the whirlwind he had met while skiing in France over Christmas. Anthony had never seen his brother fall so hard. “I’m sorry about Marina, Colin. I am. That’s not an excuse to act like a complete and utter idiot and break the law.”

“It was an accident!” Colin snapped back, his voice rising in line with Anthony's. “What do you want me to do, Ant?”

“I just bailed you out of jail,” Anthony snapped, the anger he had been holding in finally coming out. He was racing home within the speed limit, the confinement of the car making him claustrophobic. “I made sure that that stayed off your permanent record so you didn’t get thrown out of university or asked about in job interviews. Instead of acting like a spoiled little brat you could be a little more grateful and shut up.”

“I didn’t ask you to do that.”

“You’re right,” Anthony snapped, really focusing on not losing his head. “Yet I did it anyway.”

“I’m so fucking sorry I’m not perfect like you, Anthony,” Colin said, his voice full of venom as Anthony pulled up into the driveway. “That I’m not perfect like Ben, Daph, El, Franny or fuck it, Dad! I’m so sorry I don’t live up to your perfect expectations.”

“Oh shut up Colin,” Anthony snapped, his voice just as angry as Colin's. “You fucked up. I’m not interested in listening to your sob story to make yourself into a victim. Take some responsibility for once in your life.”

Anthony felt the guilt flood his body as he spoke to his brother. He knew he would be ashamed of himself later, he already was as the words sunk in. He was just so angry. Colin never took responsibility for anything and this was just another time he had gone too far and expected no consequences and Anthony to pick up the pieces.

“Fine,” Colin said, shaking his head as he flung the door open. “Here’s some responsibility for you. I’m dropping out of university.”

Then he slammed Anthony’s car door shut and all hell broke loose.

Anthony didn’t have anything left to say.

His fight with Colin, every insult and dagger he had thrown at him, circled around in his head and rang in his ears. He couldn’t find the words to speak as Kate drove them home. He wanted to say something, to put Kate at ease as she anxiously glanced at him the entire way home.

He just didn’t have anything left in him.

Colin’s words were on repeat in his head like a broken record.

“I don’t need to try to be a carbon copy of Dad to figure out my life. I’m not you, Anthony. Desperately trying to be someone he’ll never be.”

Colin was right.

Anthony sat down on the couch in his flat, his limbs heavy and deflated as the reality of his brother’s words hit him like a tonne of bricks.

He then did something that he hadn’t done since the day his father died, in his mother’s bedroom, away from his family.

He cried.

The sobs hit him like a wave and moved throughout his body, flooding out of him and everything he had been holding in for years. He cried for his dad, who he missed so much it killed him a little bit inside every single day. He cried for the man he desperately was trying to be but knew he never would. He cried for his family who had a gaping hole in it he could never fill. He cried for his family, who he tried so hard for but somehow always managed to fuck it up.

Anthony cried for everything that he had lost, everything that he was selfish enough to be angry about. Everyone he didn’t go, everything he didn’t do and everyone he didn’t meet because he had to step up.

He cried for Kate, the person who made him feel like he was worth something and that he was doing something right sometimes. He could never allow himself to let her know how he felt. He couldn’t do that to her.

Kate held him against her chest, her head resting on top of his as she moved her hand up and down his back, murmuring soothing words as he cried until nothing else could come out.

Anthony was surprised when Colin showed up at his flat the next morning. Kate had made him a cup of tea before putting Newton on his lead, throwing one final glare at Colin and a reassuring smile at Anthony before leaving their flat.

His flat.

His flat.

It was incredibly awkward, as both the Bridgerton men sat on Anthony’s couch in complete silence. Colin was tapping his foot against the ground, looking up at Anthony and back at the floor as his mouth opened and closed as he decided what to say.

“I’ve always liked Kate.”

That took Anthony by surprise. “Who wouldn’t?”

“For a second there,” Colin said, a half chuckle coming out of his mouth that was muffled by his pained expression. “I didn’t think she’d let me in.”

“As someone who has been on the wrong side of Kate many times,” Anthony said, smiling slightly as leaned back into the couch. “I wouldn’t recommend it.”

“She’s terrifying.”

“Absolutely petrifying,” Anthony said, nodding in agreement. “Don’t tell her I said that.”

“Do you hate me?”

Anthony’s head snapped up, the strange lightness of their conversation fading completely. “Of course I don’t hate you.”

“I’d hate me.”

Despite everything that had happened, Anthony was reminded of who was sitting right in front of him. Colin was so like their dad it hurt Anthony sometimes. He was fun, happy, irrational, spontaneous and he cared so passionately about the people in his life. He was also young and still trying to figure things out. He made mistakes. He had his heartbroken. He was just trying.

They were all just trying.

“I love you, Colin,” Anthony said firmly, because it was true and there wasn’t anything his brother could say to ever make Anthony think or feel otherwise. “There’s nothing that could ever happen to make me not love you. Okay? I only want what is best for you. I know how unreasonable I can be sometimes. Maybe I was wrong for thinking what was best for me is what is best for you. I just want you to be okay if something ever happened to me.”

Colin visibly gulped. “Nothing is going to happen to you, Ant. I’ll never be more sorry for what I said about Dad. I didn’t mean it. I am a horrible person for saying that to you. I’ll never forgive myself for it. I do mean this, though. You’re not Dad, Ant. You’re you. You don’t need to be Dad. You don’t need to be anyone else but you. Everyone needs you to be you. We all have gotten this far because you’re you, Ant. Not Dad. Not anyone. You.”

Anthony was absolutely speechless as he listened to Colin. Colin and him had clashed over the years but they were so alike in so many ways.

“I know I haven’t always made things easy on you. I think about him a lot. If he would be proud of me. I don’t think he would.”

“Of course he would,” Anthony said firmly, finally finding his voice. “There’s so much to be proud of. You’re a fantastic person, Colin. You annoy the shit out of me sometimes but you’re an incredible person.”

“I want you to be proud of me.” Colin’s voice was shaky as he spoke, the emotion of the situation finally coming to the surface.

“Colin,” Anthony said seriously, looking at his brother. “There’s no world where I’m not proud of you. You shouldn’t worry about what I think-”

“Anthony,” Colin said seriously, looking his brother in the eye for the first time that morning. “All I think about is what you think. You’re the voice inside of my head. Even if you sometimes annoy the shit out of me, I need you there. I know we all wouldn’t be okay if it wasn’t for you. I’m so sorry I haven’t shown you how much I appreciate that. I’m so sorry. I’ll never be more sorry for that.”

The large lump in Anthony’s throat was becoming extremely painful. “You don’t need to apologize-”

“I do and I am,” Colin said, standing up and moving towards Anthony. “I love you. You’re the type of person all of us can only hope we can be. You’re my big brother. I’m going to hug you now. It’s going to be awkward but I feel like it’s necessary.”

They wrapped their arms around each other, slapping each other’s backs and holding onto each other tightly.

They eventually pulled back, both turning their heads slightly to compose themselves and wipe their eyes with the back of their sleeves.

“That’s enough emotion for a lifetime,” Colin murmured, moving back to his original seat and letting out a sigh. “Beer?”

“Beer.”

Of all the places Anthony Bridgerton imagined himself to be at this point in his life, it wasn’t at his sisters and best friend’s engagement party.

Simon had surprised Anthony by showing up to his flat after him and Colin had sorted things out. Simon had kept a respectful distance since Anthony had found out about Daphne and him, not pushing Anthony into anything and forcing their friendship back to the place it was.

Instead, something else had happened. They were in a new place. They were starting off a clean slate. They were back to hanging out, playing golf, grabbing dinner and drinks. Anthony was his best man. He didn’t want to hold grudges anymore. He wanted his best friend back.

The past week had surprisingly been great. He had decided to put everything on hold with Kate and he had spent an unbelievable amount of time with her this week, going against every part of his initial plan. The only bad part of his week was moving Kate into her new flat. The flat felt so empty and lifeless without her.

He even missed Newton, which is something he’d keep to himself until his deathbed.

Simon joined him at the bar, smacking his back. “Good speech, mate.”

“Mm,” Anthony said, giving him a sarcastic grin as he finished off his whiskey. “I’m happy you enjoyed it.”

“It really came from the heart.”

“Let’s not get soppy,” Anthony said, nodding in thanks to the bartender as he topped up his whiskey glass. “I have just decided I can tolerate you again.”

“Please, I was your favourite person until Miss Kate Sheffield came along,” Simon teased, grinning at Anthony’s side-eye. “Not that I blame you. She’s really something.”

“Back to that speech though,” Simon said, his back to the bar as he surveyed the buzzing dance floor. “I don’t think it was us you were entirely talking about.”

Kate.

Anthony’s heart stopped in his chest. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Of course you don’t,” Simon said, downing the rest of the contents of his glass with a gleeful smirk. “If you’ll excuse me, I need to go dance with my fiance.”

Bastard.

His family really needed to learn to mind their own bloody business.

“Anthony.”

Anthony’s vision was fuzzy. He could hear a light buzzing in his ear. Kate’s words were still playing in his ears.

“Forget me. I don’t want to speak to you ever again.”

He couldn’t let this happen. He wouldn’t let this happen. He had tried so hard to protect them and it only ended with him fucking everything up so royally.

He felt like he wasn’t in control of his body, his eyes were stinging and his limbs were moving out of his own accord. He was bustling through the crowd, trying to find Kate who had disappeared into it.

“Anthony!”

Anthony barely heard his own name until someone grabbed his arm. Francesca.

“Did you know Michael was here?”

Anthony was still moving across the room, Francesca still beside him. “What?”

“Can you believe it?” Francesca said, her bottom lip sticking out as she shook her head in disbelief. More emotions were running across Francesca’s face than Anthony had ever seen in his life. “Ben invited him. John didn’t even know! Apparently he’s Ben's new protégé.”

“Fran, can you hold on a second?” Anthony said, shaking his head and running his hands through his hair, pulling at it. “I’m sorry. I-I need to find Kate. I have to find Kate.”

“Anthony,” Francesca said, her face flooding with concern as she steadied Anthony’s balance with her two hands on his arms. “What is going on? What happened?”

“Anthony.” Benedict had arrived, with Sophie beside him, an anxious look across his face.

“Piss off Ben,” Francesca snapped, her anger at her brother not fading in the slightest as she turned back to Anthony. “Anthony? What happened?”

“He’s asked to intern with me this summer! What was I meant to say Fran? I didn’t realize there was something going on between you-“

“There is nothing going on between us! I’m with John!” Francesca hissed, her anger momentarily shocking the two Bridgertons and Sophie. Francesca had always been calm, cool and collected. That wasn’t what was happening tonight. “I don’t need any relationship advice from someone who snuck around for over a year. Get off your pedestal.”

“It seems like Benedict can’t keep his nose out of anything.” Anthony spat out his brother’s name and didn’t care for Ben’s slight flinch. He needed someone else to blame.

He needed to find Kate.

“Someone had to do something!” Sophie snapped, her eyes completely on Anthony. “We’ve all watched this go on for years and it’s exhausting. Where’s Kate, Anthony?”

“What happened with Kate?” Francesca asked again, her eyes solely on Anthony.

“I was going to find her-“ Anthony said helplessly, his chest tightening which was making it hard to breathe. He had messed it up phenomenally. She was never going to forgive him. “It’s bad. We had a fight. A bad one.”

The meaning of his words seemed to translate as Sophie’s eyes widened, her mouth dropping open slightly as she hastily turned to look around the room.

“I think you’ve done enough.” Sophie snapped, Anthony, Francesca and Benedict’s eyes were wide as they watched Sophie storm away in search of Kate.

“Ant-“

“It’s fine, Ben. I’m sorry I ruined your night. I have to go,” Anthony said, “This is my mess. I’ll fix it.”

“You don’t have to fix it alone.”

“I have to fix it with Kate.” Anthony said, charging through the rest of the crowd and searching everywhere for Kate. Benedict, Colin and Francesca were on his tail, trying to convince him to come inside and sit down and talk to them. He couldn’t. He tried her phone a million times that night but she didn’t pick up. He had to fix this.

Eventually, it was confirmed by Sophie that Kate had left the gallery. She had refused to let Sophie into her flat and that was as much as Anthony was told.

Kate was gone.

Anthony woke up with an excruciating headache and aching limbs. He grumbled as he sat up, feeling a hard exterior under him. He was sleeping in his old childhood bed.

The last time he had slept in this bed was the day before he had left university. The day before he met Kate and his life changed forever. He hated saying it, but it was true. His life had completely changed the minute he met and argued with Kate Sheffield and now-

Now he could have lost her forever.

“You’re up.”

Anthony jumped slightly as he saw Benedict and Colin standing at the foot of his bed, “Were you two watching me sleep? That’s creepy.”

“We were making sure you didn’t choke on your own vomit,” Benedict said carefully, a stern expression on his face but he cowered slightly as Anthony looked at him. Benedict had certainly meddled last night. “You drank a lot after Kate left.” “I’d be impressed with how much you drank if it wasn’t because of such tragic circumstances,” Colin joked, failing to lighten the mood with a joke. “I made you some coffee.”

“Thanks.” Anthony said sourly, nodding at Colin but not appreciating the reminder of what a terrible person Anthony was. Kate had gone and he couldn’t cope, so he drank until he passed out.

Why did he open his stupid mouth and tell her about the kiss? Why didn’t he tell her he loved her back? Why did he try to explain to her why they would never work? It was the everything he had been telling himself again and again and when he had said the words out last night, they were meaningless and stupid. The only thing they had achieved was destroying them both.

What was wrong with him?

He couldn’t get the look of anguish on her face out of his head.

He had done the one thing he had sworn he would never do.

He had hurt her.

“I’m sorry about the gallery, Ben.” Anthony said, shaking his head in shame.

“I’m not,” Benedict said, shrugging as he leaned against the wall. “We sold all of my pieces. I knew what I was doing when I put that piece up there. I’m sorry, Anthony. I really am. I never wanted it to cause all this.”

“You didn’t cause any of this,” Anthony said, shaking his head and letting out a deep sigh. “I did.”

“No, he definitely caused this,” Colin said, completely ignoring Benedict’s glare. “That was a dick move. Ant and Kate were always going to come to blows and have it out but you just threw the toaster into the bathtub with that stunt.”

“Anthony got involved with my love life!” Benedict exclaimed, turning around to glare at his younger brother. “I wanted to help-”

“That’s because Ant is relatively okay at sorting out everyone else’s love life and is absolutely shocking at sorting out his own,” Colin said, shooting Anthony a cheeky grin who just glared back. “Tell us what happened.”

“I was furious about the picture.” Anthony said slowly, not wanting to relive the events of last night ever again. He would have to, everytime he told this story and when he saw Kate again. If he saw her again. She had never responded to any of his calls or messages last night and he hadn’t tried again this morning.

He didn’t want to hurt her further by harassing her.

Anthony needed to see her and speak to her.

“I was acting really unfairly. We started arguing. I said some things. Kate said some things. I said something really stupid,” Anthony said, letting out a deep breath before he continued. “Kate told me she was in love with me. I didn’t say it back. I told her I remembered that kiss I had pretended to forget on my birthday last year. She told me she never wanted to speak to me again.”

“That,” Colin was the first one to speak, “That is a lot worse than I imagined.”

“Helpful Colin,” Benedict said dryly, sitting down on the bed beside Anthony and patting his shoulder. “You messed up. Yes. Kate is hurt. She’ll forgive you. You’re Kate and Anthony. You can fix this.”

“I don’t know, Ben. I’ve never seen that look on her face before. She won’t speak to me,” Anthony said, falling back onto the bed and feeling utterly hopeless. “She’s never going to forgive me. I don’t know what to say.”

Benedict bit his lip, nodding his head. “Ant, you’ve never been able to talk to us the way you’ve been able to talk to Kate.”

“The one person you can talk to won’t talk to you.” Colin said slowly, as if he was putting something together in his head.

Anthony and Benedict both turned towards Colin and raised an eyebrow.

Colin’s face lit up, as if he had just won the lottery. He grinned widely at his two brothers, who looked at him suspiciously. “I have an idea.”

Colin’s brilliant idea was therapy.

Apparently, Colin had a heart to heart with Penelope Fetherington the morning after their argument. Penelope and Eloise were studying together for the day at their house and Eloise had left Penelope in the kitchen with Colin whilst she went off for a shower.

Eloise had not been talking to Colin after the argument, which led to his and Penelope’s strange but heartfelt conversation.

Penelope recommended Colin go to therapy.

That’s how Anthony ended up taking Colin’s therapy appointment at 10am that Saturday morning.

“Why are you here today, Anthony?”

Anthony hadn’t been to therapy since university. It wasn’t for this reason. He had been stressed, having bad panic attacks and feeling overwhelmed by everything. He was back again, for similar but different reasons.

“My brothers thought it would be good if I spoke to someone.” Anthony answered honestly, not feeling entirely comfortable to open up to a complete stranger whose office he had walked into two minutes ago.

“Do you think you need to be here?” His therapist asked, scribbling something down in her notebook.

“I suppose so. No. Yes, I do. I do think so,” Anthony said, scrambling over his words before he sat up straighter in his seat. “I do. It’s what Kate would tell me to do.”

“Who is Kate?”

“Kate is my best friend,” Anthony said instinctively, the meaning of the words hitting him a few seconds later. “Well.”

“Well?”

“It’s complicated.”

His therapist looked straight at him, giving him a friendly but stern smile. “I’m trained in complicated.”

“We’re not currently speaking,” Anthony said slowly, deciding to just let it all out. This is what therapy was for, right? He could be honest for once in my life. “It’s all my fault.”

“How long has it been?” His therapist asked, glancing at the round clock on her wall.

“About 12 hours?”

“Okay.”

“That’s really strange for us,” Anthony hastily explained, quickly feeling embarrassed about the situation and if he was appearing overdramatic. “We talk all the time. We lived together up until last week.

His therapist continued to write down a few sentences, the scraping of the pen against her paper making Anthony’s skin itch. “Tell me what happened.”

“It was a bad argument,” Anthony began, the memories of last night filling him with a heavy dread. “My brother had put a picture of us, multiple pictures of us, on display in a gallery. I panicked and I reacted badly. We both said hurtful things. The worst we’ve ever had. She told me she was in love with me. I told her I remembered our kiss I pretended to forget over a year ago. It ended with her telling me she never wanted to see me again.”

“Do you love her back?”

The question caught Anthony completely off guard. This was the most honest he had been in a very long time and his therapist was brushing over a lot of details, focusing on particular ones. “No, I do.”

“But you didn’t tell her that?”

“No.”

“Hmm,” His therapist said, nodding her head as she continued to scribble down a few sentences. “That is complicated. Could you tell me about your parents?”

Anthony’s breath caught in his throat. He couldn’t face that today. When he had gone to therapy previously, they had sometimes spoken about his parents, mainly his father. Anthony didn’t have the strength. “I don’t want to talk about my father. I need to know what to say to Kate.”

“That’s okay,” She said, nodding her head slowly. “You have every right to not answer this question and I will drop it. Why do you not want to talk about your father?”

“He died when I was eighteen.” Anthony explained, figuring it would come out sooner or later.

“That must have been difficult.”

“It was.” Anthony’s words were caught between his teeth.

“Do you have any siblings?”

“I have seven,” Anthony answered, cracking his knuckles in his lap. “I’m the eldest.”

“I can imagine that’s a lot of responsibility at the age of eighteen,” She said slowly, as if she was trying to figure something out. “Especially when suffering from such a loss.”

“It is,” Anthony said, avoiding her eyes completely as he looked around the room. He didn’t want to talk about his family. That’s not why he came. “It’s my family. I’d do anything for them.”

“Why do you think you don’t deserve love?”

Anthony gaped at her. “I don’t think that.”

“If you were willing to step up and take responsibility for your family and ensure their happiness,” She said, leaning forward in her chair. “Why can’t you do the same for yourself?”

“I don’t want to lose her,” Anthony said, his voice coming out a lot shakier and lower than it had in a long time. “She’s everything to me. Everything. I screw things up. I’ve never been good with relationships. I desperately tried to not screw things up and I did it anyway. I really tried to stop feeling like this. I even went to America to stop feeling like this and try to find someone new. It just always comes back to this and now-now it’s too late.”

“This is terribly cliche, but it’s the truth. It’s never too late and you will never know until you try. Why are you so sure you and Kate will fail? I say you and Kate as there are two of you in this. It seems like you put a lot of pressure on yourself. When it comes to your family and your relationships.” Her words were hitting Anthony forcefully, completely overwhelming him. “You should try giving yourself a chance.”

“I don’t think I can.”

“You are standing in your own way. Why is that?”

He was getting really sick of all these questions.

“Kate deserves better.”

His therapist raised her eyebrow slightly, “Isn’t that for Kate to decide?”

Anthony had no response to that.

“Anthony, we have absolutely no control over what could happen in the future. Our fears will still exist in the past, present and future. What we can try to control is now. Good and bad things happen everyday. Nothing also happens everyday. Nothing sounds quite exhausting, don’t you think?”

“Sometimes it is easier to do nothing. Sometimes, we have to take a chance on the good or bad things happening,” She told him, smiling softly at him. “Sometimes, we just need to take that chance.”

Something just clicked.

He had to take that chance.

“I have to go,” Anthony jumped up, running a hand through his hair and slightly waving the other one around. “I have to talk to Kate. If she’ll talk to me, I’ll take that chance. Right? Right. Yes. Wow. Okay. Thank you, doctor. Thank you-”

“I’ll have my assistant book you in for an appointment next week,” His therapist responded, a slight smile on her face as she stood up to open the door for him. “Good luck, Anthony.”

Colin and Benedict stood up as Anthony walked into the waiting room, curious expressions on their faces.

“I have to tell Kate I’m in love with her.”

Anthony glanced down at his phone, which began buzzing his hand. Edwina’s name flashed on his screen.

Anthony answered the call, his heart beating rapidly in his chest. Maybe it was Kate. Maybe she had lost her phone and that’s why she hadn’t been in contact with him last night. “Edwina?”

“Anthony,” Edwina’s shaky voice spoke through the phone, sending cold shivers down Anthony’s spine. “It’s Kate.”

Anthony had burst through the hospital doors, running up stairs and through doors until he found the room Kate was in after multiple directions from nurses, Colin and Benedict hot on his heels.

Edwina had reassured him that Kate was fine. Her brain scans and other injuries had come back completely clear, the worst thing that had happened was her leg had been broken.

He had to see her. He had to see her alive and breathing. He had to make sure she was okay.

“Kate.”

Anthony had never felt so nauseous and anxious in his entire life.

“Are you okay?”

Kate was there, sitting up in her hospital bed with her casted leg elevated in the air. She didn’t appear to have any other injuries, her dark hair was in a bun on the top of her head and she did have some scrapes and bruises along her arms, and a tiny scratch on her cheek.

“That's none of your business.”

That was the response he expected and it hurt just as he expected. He did deserve it.

“Kate was skating in Hyde Park when a cyclist ran into her, and she landed on her leg," Edwina explained carefully, anxiously glancing between Anthony and Kate. Benedict and Colin were behind Anthony, smiling awkwardly at everyone in the room and shooting a relieved expression at Kate. She smiled back at them, at least she wasn't icing them out.

Kate just refused to look at Anthony. “Get out.”

“We’re going to get some coffee in the canteen.” said Mary, beginning to drag an anxious looking Edwina out of the hospital room.

“Don’t you dare,” Kate snapped, raising her voice at her mother and sister. She pointed at the chairs they just vacated. “Anthony is the only one who will be leaving this hospital room.”

What did he expect? She had every right to be furious with him. It wasn't going to be easy and he would do whatever it took to fix this. To fix them. “I’ll wait in the waiting room until you want to talk.”

“I don’t want to talk.”

He nodded, making his way towards the doorway he had only come through. He knew Kate and pushing her wasn’t going to achieve anything. He had fucked up and he had to fix it in the way she wanted him to. “I’ll just be waiting then.”

And waited, he did.

He waited for two weeks until Kate was released from the hospital.

He tried everything. He had taken the time off work to be there during visiting hours, waiting for her to finally let him speak to her. He had drafted about fifty different speeches before she was released, thinking about everything he had spoken about with his therapist. He went to two more sessions during Kate’s stay and he felt something was really changing.

Except for Kate’s willingness to speak to him.

When he knocked on her door, she told him to get lost. When he brought her flowers, she threw them at him. When he brought her food, she wouldn’t touch it. She ignored his texts and calls.

She had every right to make him suffer and she was doing a superb job at it.

He spent his time on business calls or chatting with whoever was visiting Kate. Every Bridgerton but Anthony had been allowed in. He got to know her nurses and doctors, getting updates on Kate’s progress and asking them questions about her leg and the healing process.

Mary sat beside Anthony in the waiting room one afternoon, handing him a cup of coffee. “Thank you.”

“I started worrying less, you know.”

Anthony turns to look at Mary, frowning in confusion.

“Kate is a very good person. She takes care of people. She took care of Edwina and I more than she should have, especially after my husband died.” A sad expression appeared on her face. “My husband always said Kate tried to take care of him when her mother passed away. She was four years old.”

He smiled sadly, taking a small sip of his coffee. “That sounds like Kate.”

“It does, doesn’t it?” Mary nodded her head, wrapping her hands around her coffee cup. “I always wanted that for her. Someone who would take care of her and she would let them. I wasn’t so sure it would ever happen until she brought you home.”

Anthony blinked at Mary, completely taken aback. He had known Mary for eight years now and they had spent a good bit of time together, but he couldn’t remember ever speaking to her alone. Especially like this.

“I knew she finally had someone to take care of her. You’ve been so good to her.”

“I don’t know if she’ll forgive me this time Mary,” Anthony said, his voice croaky as he hung his head low. “I don’t know if I deserve to be forgiven.”

“Kate didn’t talk to her father and I for two weeks because we didn’t let her go to an Eminem concert when she was twelve years old,” Mary said, chuckling softly at the fond memory. “She will come around.”

“We all make mistakes, Anthony. I don’t know what happened between you two,” Mary said softly, reaching over to squeeze his hands. “I do know you’ll be able to fix yours.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“Kate,” Edwina said, exhaustion flooding her voice as she pushed Kate’s wheelchair to a stop in front of the exit of the hospital. “Anthony’s car is the only car big enough to bring you home! You’re meant to lie across the back seat.”

Kate was glaring at Anthony with such an intensity, he was genuinely terrified. She was absolutely furious at the prospect of Anthony driving her home. “I’d rather walk.”

“I suppose you should have thought about that before you went skating on those death traps,” Anthony said, deciding that if she wouldn’t talk to him, he might be able to at least get an insult if he winded her up. Then, she would technically have spoken to him. “Hop on in.”

Kate’s mouth dropped open as she watched Anthony open up his back door, which had been filled with blankets and pillows to help Kate get comfortable. She knew she had no choice. The two nurses helped Kate into the backseat, buckling her in as Edwina got into Anthony’s car. Mary was following them home.

Kate, furious about recent events, was sulking in the back seat.

Edwina and Sophie hadn’t been overly kind to Anthony the first week after Kate’s accident. He didn’t blame them, he deserved every single bit of slack he got for what he’d done. They had eased up on him the last week, probably out of pure pity as he desperately tried to fix things with Kate who so far wanted nothing to do with him.

They finished their awkward car ride once Anthony parked in Kate’s flat’s underground car park. Now the fun really began. He would make himself useful in any way he could to help Kate, so Edwina and Mary had asked him to drive her home once he had offered.

“Kate,” Edwina said slowly, clearly nervous about what she was about to say as she opened her sister’s door. “Mum and I aren’t strong enough to get you out of the car.”

“Whose side are you on?” Kate snapped, realizing exactly what was going on. “There’s not a chance in hell-”

“I am on your leg’s side!” Edwina snapped, everyone’s eyes widening as Edwina’s temper flared. It was a rare sight. “I am losing the will to live here, Kate. Just let Anthony carry you upstairs and you can do whatever you want. Throw anything you want at him for all I care. Just get upstairs.”

Anthony leaned into the back seat, carefully moving Kate and her leg towards the edge of the seat. They were so close, his arms wrapped around her. If he looked at her, he could count the freckles sprawled across her nose and cheek and how many eyelashes she had. He had done it a million times before.

Except he couldn’t.

Kate refused to look at him.

He got her out of the car until she could support herself on her crutches, making her way towards the lifts. Anthony, Edwina and Mary brought all of her bags upstairs to her flat. Anthony had stocked her fridge and cupboards with all her favourite things and had gotten it professionally cleaned yesterday. He also had about five bouquets of tulips in each room.

“Simon dropped in some food from his restaurant,” Edwina said, smiling softly as she began to unpack the bag. “Thank god. I’m starving. Anthony?”

“I’ll go.” Anthony said, shaking his head as he headed towards the door after dropping the last bag on the floor. The hope he had of fixing things with Kate was really starting to diminish. She really despised him.

She wouldn’t even look at him.

Kate waved a crutch in his direction. It was the first time she had spoken to only him directly in over two weeks. “Stop getting me tulips!”

Anthony turned around to look at her, shaking his head simply. “No.”

“We are going to go out for a walk,” Mary suggested loudly, tugging at Edwina who gaped at her mother in disbelief and then glanced back down at the food. The two Sheffields practically ran out of Kate’s flat, bag of food in their hand, and surprisingly weren’t stopped by Kate.

This was his chance.

“How are you?”

Kate’s hard glare hadn’t faded. “Why do you care?”

He visibly softened. “Of course I care.”

“I don’t think you do, actually,” Kate snapped, aggressively fluffing the pillows behind her back where she sat on her grey couch. “I thought you cared until I realized what you had done. I thought you cared until I stood there telling you I loved you and all you did was tell me that you had lied to me and how we would never work. I never expected you to love me back, what did I expect was some-”

“Are you on drugs?”

“Excuse me?” Kate’s voice was almost a shriek.

Anthony had to really stop himself from rolling his eyes. “I can’t say this if you’re in any way inebriated.”

“No,” Kate muttered, crossing her arms across her chest, “I still despise you, so I’m of sound mind.”

“I should have kissed you. That night. When we were at Aubrey Hall. Seven years ago. I should have kissed you in the lake. I should have kissed you at the Law Ball in college. I should have kissed you when we were in Spain. When we were in my dorm. Your dorm. In the morning. In the afternoon. In the evening. There were so many times where I should have kissed you, Kate.”

“You did kiss me,” Kate spat out, tears flooding her eyes that made Anthony’s chest clench. “You kissed me and you pretended that you didn’t remember.”

“I’m an idiot. I’m a fool. There’s no rational explanation for why I did it. I was so scared of losing you, Kate. But I lost you anyway. I’ll never be more sorry for that, Kate.” Anthony took a few tentative steps towards her, crouching down so he was at her eye level. “I’m so sorry for hurting you. Please, just listen to me. I’ll leave you alone afterwards if that’s what you want.”

“I was on my way to yours when Edwina rang me,” Anthony said, trying to remember everything he had wanted to say and had written down so many times. “I was on my way to tell you I was in love with you. I was an asshole, the night of the gallery. A complete asshole. I panicked. I saw everything on that bloody picture that I have wanted and dreamed of for years, and I panicked. I was so scared of losing what we had that I was too scared to take the chance on having something more.”

Kate stared at him with her wide brown eyes, the ones he had missed so bloody much. He had missed everything about her and now he was here and he was trying. He was desperately trying and he had no idea if it would be enough. “What are you trying to say, Anthony?”

“I’m in love with you. I’ve been in love with you since I was nineteen years old. I’ve denied it and denied it, because I’m screwed up, and I know you deserve better than me, but it's always been you Kate. It will always be you. I was terrified of screwing things up and losing you because I can’t live without you Kate. I don’t ever want to. You’re my best friend. You’re my person.”

“When I heard you were hurt and there was a chance that I could lose you-I can’t fathom life without you, Kate.” Anthony’s voice broke off as he spoke, his voice choking on air. “I can’t. I don’t want to. All I want is you, Kate. I’ll do anything to prove that to you. I’m all in. If you’ll have me.”

“Why do you get to decide?”

Anthony blinked at her through his watery eyes, hastily wiping them. He had finally said everything he wanted to say and the biggest weight had been taken off his chest. The anxiety of waiting on Kate’s response still clawed at him. “What?”

“Why do you get to decide that I deserve better than you?” Kate asked, narrowing her eyes as she looked at him.

“I don’t know,” He answered honestly, shaking his head as he leaned against the couch. “It wasn’t that I decided. It was just so obvious to me. You deserve everything, Kate. Everything. That isn’t me. All I can do is try-”

“No.”

His heart stopped in his chest, a rigid stance completely taken over. Was this it? Was Kate ending things forever? Has he lost for her good?

“You should have asked me.”

Anthony couldn’t help the sigh of relief that came out of him. “I know.”

“I’ve always been smarter than you.”

He smiled softly, nodding his head. “That’s debatable.”

“Do you always have to have an answer for everything?” She asked, completely exasperated, but there wasn’t any annoyance detected in her tone. It was almost teasing.

“I suppose,” He said slowly, his eyes never moving off hers. “Some things never changed.”

“No,” She said softly, her eyes moving around his face. “They really don’t.”

“I should have asked you too,” Kate added a few seconds later, visibly gulping as she pushed some of the loose strands of hair in front of her face behind her ears.

“I’m still so mad at you,” She murmured, blinking away a few tears that rolled down her red cheeks. “I’m so mad. I’m not going to suddenly stop being mad because you’re in love with me and I’m in love with you. We’re going to have to work at this. It isn’t going to be easy.”

“I deserve it.” He nodded in agreement, not being able to stop the small smile breaking out on his face as she said she loved him. “I know. I’ll do anything, Kate. Anything.”

She loved him.

She loved him.

Kate was in love with him.

“Hold my hand.” She murmured, extending her fingers towards him. Their fingers interlock smoothly, her soft, petite palm and his large, rougher hand against each other.

“If you had asked me,” Kate said, her voice coming out wobbly as she spoke. “I would have told you that you’re it for me. It’s always been you. From the moment I met you, it was always going to be you. I didn’t stand a chance. It’s not about deserving, Anthony. It’s about being there for someone no matter what. You’ve always been there for me. And I always want you to be.”

Their faces were extremely close now. He could smell her again, that soft scene of lilies and soap that he had missed so much. He could count the freckles on her cheek and her long, delicate eyelashes. His lips are “I’m sorry it took me so long.”

“Us,” Kate corrected him, her breathing small and shallow. “It only took us eight years.”

“This isn’t how I imagined it.”

“I’m so tired of imagining, aren’t you?”

He kisses her.

It’s better than he’s ever imagined it.

Why?

Because it’s real.

[whoslaurapalmer]

so i never do this but i put a lot of thought into really specific details about the structure and scene layout of (the three-part folding mirror) and i really really really want to talk about it so here are some of my notes and some general commentary 

-the crux of the fic, at least the way i had envisioned it, is what vfd does to family, how it becomes biological family vs the family created by vfd

-what vfd did to specific families: -physically separated the calibans -morally separated the denouements and the snickets -somehow brought the anwhistles closer together

-in terms of ramona and olaf, ramona was there to stress the distinction of biological family vs. vfd family but also how they’re so inextricably intertwined with each other, and olaf, this is harder to tell bc he doesn’t have a point of view here, but olaf is scoping out potential candidates for his personal group of firestarters �� his own sort of “family” (ramona bc she’s a duchess, ernest because he has a similar line of thought, josephine because her husband is working with the mushrooms, the white-faced women because, well they wind up in his troupe and I have very vague headcanons about how that happens)

-related; the reason frank asks olivia about miranda at the end is because, at that point in the fic, frank feels so terrible about what he said to ernest that he’s trying to reassure himself that his family is still okay because (dewey’s right) at least they’re together, compared to the calibans, who haven’t seen each other in years. it was one of the first ideas I had when I was jotting ideas down in april and it stuck with me the whole way through. I really wanted it in there. I went back and forth before I got to this plot, though, on whether or not frank or ernest would be the one asking it. but I think it fits frank. -(ahahahahahaha the kicker being that miranda really was at the party the whole time and olivia didn’t recognize her) -anyway 

-the parallels in the fic were: -the denouements start the fic together, and end the fic alone (by being honest about how they feel about each other) -the snickets start the fic relatively separated, and end the fic together (by being dishonest about what happened during the party) -the denouements start the fic by playing their game, and the snickets end the fic with theirs -frank is mistaken for ernest, ernest is mistaken for frank -frank pretends to be ernest on accident, ernest pretends to be frank on purpose -dewey has never slammed a door in his life; towards the end of the fic he slams the tray -i….think that’s all of them. I think

-character-wise, jacques and frank both see themselves as the people holding their families together; when in fact for the denouements, it’s dewey, which I think is clear in this, and for the snickets it’s lemony, which is less clear here? but definitely something I agree with -dewey and kit see themselves as the most ‘normal’, and they both have relatively solitary positions of acquiring information -ernest and lemony clearly both vibe on a ‘question vfd’ wavelength -i was also interested in kit and ernest, as siblings who feel stifled by an older/perceived older sibling, and dewey and lemony, who are sometimes unnecessarily protected by their siblings because they are the youngest/perceived youngest -this doesn’t show up in the fic bc olaf’s parents are still alive, but I thought ramona and olaf were also interesting foils re: reacting to their parent’s deaths

-some narration notes: -frank never refers to ernest and dewey as his brothers, except in the scene where he argues with ernest. because frank doesn’t necessarily see the split of biological family vs vfd family but has definitely swayed more to vfd family -ernest and dewey always refer to each other as brothers. -similarly, frank refers to the members of vfd as associates, most everyone else refers to them as friends. -ernest refers to vfd as strictly VFD because he’s distanced himself from it, while everyone else calls it ‘the organization’ -frank doesn’t swear even in his narration when he’s thinking them and not saying them because it’s, still his narration. he still wouldn’t quite completely say the words. (oh, he’s like gansey, like that. the raven cycle is still on my brain. i had so many scene sketches where ernest and frank were way too callous to each other bc they kept coming out like ronan and declan.)  -kit’s line at the beginning is “someone in this very room has betrayed us” which is jacques’s line from the building committee meeting in unauto. the clock saying wrong afterwards is because the someone who really betrayed them (lemony) isn’t in the room. 

-the costumes, which i did decide very arbitrarily: monty: clearly a snake. olaf: sigh. wolf ramona and olivia: oh, there was actually a slight distinction that just no one notices because none of them have looked at an insect (and also because describing clothes properly but succinctly is the hardest thing. i've written fic for a long time!!!!! i did my time in block paragraph clothing description hell!!! it haunts me!!!!!!!!!!), but ramona was the butterfly and olivia was actually a dragonfly. their masks are roses because, well 1) I thought that would be cool 2) butterflies and dragonflies land on flowers…. jacques: the boxwood, but a lion otherwise. josephine: ocean widdershins: the octopus with the pirate hat jacquelyn: the gold star suit (because gustav said she should do it for a play on. star. like. actress star.) miranda: uranus’s moon named miranda. it was very vague and I put that in the fic before I decided to have her in the little scene with esme. and then i thought i would put her in that scene too. gustav: phantom of the opera.  haruki: tree frog hector: tree (not because of haruki’s costume but because i literally could not think of a damn thing for hector to be) lemony: uhhhhhh I had vague ideas he was. a cloud or something. like a stormcloud???? couldn’t pan out though. I like him in grey anyway. kit: I really just wanted her in red. with a big cape. and i spent so much time mentally deciding if i wanted her to have glasses or not in the archives that i forgot to mention her mask. everyone has one i swear to god  white faced women: did anyone recognize that was them? :) it’s not mentioned in any way at all but in my head they were all dressed identically as flappers

esme actually doesn’t have one, because I, forgot, to give her one. I’m taking suggestions. 

-references to lyeekha’s fics: -“that which is essential is invisible to the eye” is what frank says to jacques at the end of edge, and also the title of their snicket/denouement series  -it initially wasn’t in there, because I was worried it wasn’t, like, in the right tone, re: what happens in edge vs how I was interpreting jacques and frank? but i liked it a lot. so i put it back in.  -“frank quit smoking, but you didn’t” is a reference to frank smoking at the end of rigged  -guess the guest and the clock alcove are from the end of fragments, with dewey and ernest watching hotel guests. this is my favorite thing in the whole world and something i actually keep forgetting is not canon because it is SUCH the perfect beethoven parallel  -kit’s tattoo, which I was specifically imagining as the giant bombinating beast tattoo from ink on her back, which is definitely not around her neck but that was the only spot of skin she was showing so it was available and my thought was, it was kind of a low-cut in the back dress, and she was wearing the cape to cover up the giant tattoo on her back because beatrice was not there to cover it up with makeup (also bea picked out the dress.) (bea: if I can’t be there you have to make a statement) (kit: I have to what) -lemony being a “powerful, mythical figure” to the sugar bowl gen was actually something I wrote a long time ago, back in 2013, and I put it in the fic because I thought it fit, and then happened to reread double edged VERY late into the rewriting, literally THE DAY after I wrote that line in, and i saw a similar line of thought, and I was like “*cooper voice* sometimes you just get lucky ~ ” -jacques being in a lion costume, from the masquerade outfit sketches

additionally – -yes I am still cackling about ‘angel of my apple’ -angel of my apple -ANGEL OF MY APPLE  -writing olaf is constantly like, he can say the funniest fucking things. and then turn around and say the absolute cruelest shit and the balance can be difficult.  -but, angel of my a p p l e 

-i can’t believe that out of all the people here, frank and jacques are the ones having the most semi-successful romantic relationship. well, ramona and olivia, too, but frank and jacques actually kiss so good for them -i know it was very vague and it’s because writing romance is physically embarrassing, but yes that last line was supposed to be them kissing, i’m so sorry 

-undercover underwater was a last-minute addition because I didn’t want to take the time to try and google something real and good because I didn’t have the time. my guilty pleasure is super shitty hallmark murder mystery movies (I like good murder mysteries as well, thank you.) and my mom’s been reading terrible murder mysteries during lunch (where I was sitting across from her, also eating lunch, but also hiding behind my laptop and writing the fic) so I just came up with undercover underwater on the spot, but my mom came up with the tagline. it was originally ‘sleeps with the fishes’ (especially because i love the godfather movies which also, clearly has a very big stress on family vs The Family) but I thought ‘diving for the truth’ was funnier. -my mom and my brother (who has no interest in shitty murder mysteries, but loves to verbally smack them down with me re: their predictable tropes) and I decided that the plotline was something like, single woman scuba dives and keeps running into stuff (you know, hidden treasure, dead bodies, the like); her love interest drives the boat; her overbearing family member is an aunt; this is definitely like, book four in the series. there’s probably twelve books or something. (she goes on vacation on like book six and still finds a dead body, come on it practically writes itself.) (she probably owns a little fish tank......it’s a small sunny beach town.........etc etc.........) (it’s so easy to do this.)  -oh, fixer upper is the worst hallmark murder mystery series, murder she baked is the best. in my opinion. 

-dewey and lemony were supposed to have an actual conversation at the hors d’oeuvres table but every time I tried to put lemony in earlier he just wouldn’t work. it didn’t feel right. so he got saved for the reveal. -but i’m still delighted by the idea of lemony literally doing the shot of gazpacho.  -dewey uses a spoon because he doesn’t have the composure or the guts to do a shot of cold soup  -lemony was also supposed to have a scene with kit and one with jacques, i’m pretty sure, to lead up to the gazpacho conversation and the commiserating re: siblings. but again, didn’t work out. so then dewey had to fare alone in the scene. -oh!! the line about how lemony hides, in the least likely places, was actually something that was in my initial write of lemony’s scrapped pov of my ellington fic. jacques being responsible for sending olivia to the hinterlands was from a scrapped jacques fic.  -steal from your unused fic. 

-because I had to take scenes with lemony out, I had some, gaps in the night that I had to fill in (especially because this is a party more people are there than the snickets and the denouements), so that was how esme, the herpetology squad, and olaf and josephine came to be. (also olaf needed to show up again somewhere else otherwise he kind of, disappeared awkwardly, I thought?) -also because initially there was going to be a scene of bea and bertrand, elsewhere, but I wanted to keep the fic contained to the hotel, because one of the ideas I wasn’t able to put into the fic all that much was the sense of the hotel being its own world -oh, bea and bertrand don’t know that lemony used them as cover. the assignment they were working on instead of being at the party? planning the opera. the scene would’ve come right after ramona and olaf’s conversation. -the herpetology squad not only serves to highlight that people can’t tell the denouements apart (part of the foreshadowing that ernest would pretend to be frank), but was also me roasting myself because writing like a million different characters I had never written like this before had me very concerned about if their characterization was consistent, specifically for kit. (specifically, her with dewey.) also defining a character down to one base trait can be helpful when writing and creating characters, but for people no it’s not ideal. -haruki’s estimation of the denouement’s traits were not how i was mentally keeping track of them, because i definitely do do the ‘one base trait’ sometimes, but i had a lot more going on when i was thinking of them -but yes dewey is kind. in the way that bertrand is kind, but bertrand’s like, way more smooth about it. 

-lemony does not have his own pov because, for me personally, I can’t fathom writing him in any other way besides first person, and it just would not do to have one scene out of the whole fic not in third person. unless he was secretly narrating each scene, which, he clearly was not. i would’ve had to do it in a whole different style. 

-i love that dewey and kit are like ‘ahaha we’re the normal ones though’ and their normal conversation is them literally going ‘hey these creepy fish are AWESOME THOUGH’ -i looked at so many fish. for hours.  -ALL BECAUSE I came up with the phrase ‘oceanic intrigue’ as a fun phrase and decided I had to commit my soul to it and never look back. -oh, the fairy shrimp are really very cute though. and i think the cookiecutter shark is, fucked up but a neat little guy. 

-i’m eternally going to be laughing about this too  kit: where the fuck is frank frank: /three floors down, making out with jacques

-oh!! 40-49 is unassigned in the dewey decimal system (which I googled. many, many times.), and was previously biographies. there’s another section for biographies now, but because biography was the closest I could come to like, some sort of, identity category, I thought it was more fitting if it was the section that used to be biography but was now as blank as frank felt.

-dewey is the one responsible for the clock sounding like it does. he just thinks ‘wrong’ is a fun word. that, and frank recognizing jacques by sound, were from my earlier scene sketches for this when i thought this fic was going to be much, much shorter. 

[onthevirgeofdestruction]

Storytime!

Sanders Sides Canon Divergence AU - fluff/angst - hurt/comfort - some intrigue - actually has a plot (side eyes my other fics) - largely Virgil centric - it’s about growth i guess idk

Words: 3,960 Warnings: Spiders Characters: Virgil, Janus, Roman, Patton, Logan, (Remus in passing) Universe: Storytime! Genre: Clingy Idiocy still

Chapter 26: In Which Bishops Haunt Virgil Again

newsflash virgil is still clingy but he’s doing okay unlike everybody else

chapter 1 for new readers - ffn mirror

   Virgil sat quietly next to Deceit with his hood up as Deceit talked to Remus again the next morning, waiting for whatever this meeting was where Remus got bit was to be over. Virgil leaned heavily on Deceit with the weight of exhaustion lulling him back to sleep. He couldn’t stop his eyes from fluttering periodically, though he stayed awake. He had trouble getting back to sleep this morning for some reason. Lately, he had been sleeping like a rock, but today he just groaned and rolled around after Thomas woke up.

   Remus waved with a manic smile and disappeared from the room. Virgil yawned and looked up to Deceit, who pulled his hood down. Sounds came back to Virgil’s ears as he blinked slowly up to him.

   “Can I stay with you today?” Virgil asked quietly and hung on to Deceit’s cloak.

   “Of course, I’m completely free to lollygag around, Virgil,” Deceit said sarcastically.

   “Please? I’ll be quiet. I’ll just nap for a bit or something,” Virgil pleaded hopefully. He really didn’t like being alone anymore. The idea alone made him squirm.

   “Can’t you play with your other friends?” Deceit looked to him in annoyance.

   “Logan’s on to something and Roman was asking too many questions. I can’t hang out in Pat’s room with him. I’m just too tired to deal with Remus right now. I just want to steer clear for a day. One day is not too bad to skip on, right?” Virgil begged with a sigh. “I don’t want to be alone all day. I know I’ll have to go back to my room later and all,” Virgil couldn’t stop the sad expression on his face from the knowledge of the inevitable and the potential of D just sending him to his room right away.

   “I suppose I can work in here for now,” Deceit conceded, sounding a little frustrated, and shifted to sit against the wall on the bed. He summoned a folder and his signature quill and worked on his wildly involved business. Virgil smiled and curled up next to him, pulled his sound dampening hood over his head, and rested his head on the edge of Deceit’s lap. Virgil looked up to see a half-smile on Deceit’s face and nestled in to and finally started drifting again.

— * * * —

   Patton looked longingly at the clock in the kitchen and frowned. “I guess Virgil isn’t coming to breakfast,” He said sadly, tapping his fingers against the tabletop. They had finished the food some time ago, and they were all sitting around chatting with coffees or cocoa, waiting for their weird anxiety. Roman knew he’d need to stick around to make breakfast for him, but Logan had even finished his paper and didn’t return to his room either. Roman leaned back in his chair and crossed his legs.

   “Maybe he’s sick?” Roman supplied. “He was acting a little odd,” Roman said, feeling worried and glancing at Virgil’s regular chair.

   “I doubt that Thomas has suddenly come down with some kind of mental ailment that would discombobulate Anxiety. He appears to be performing his functions just fine. Thomas is alert, mindful, and ready, to a certain extent. I believe he is just sleeping in again if the past few days are any indication. I am concerned, however, that he has been avoiding me for 2 days,” Logan said tonelessly, flipping through his newspaper.

   “Maybe he doesn’t mean to? He hasn’t been avoiding us and he knows we talk to you,” Patton suggested. “We’ve been busy lately. Maybe it’s just a misunderstanding,” Patton added hopefully.

   “I appreciate your optimism, Patton, but I would like to talk to him, regardless,” Logan said evenly and refilled his coffee cup. “Would you wake him, Roman?”

   “He just said yesterday that it was a terrible idea to wake him up,” Roman said and stayed seated with his latte.

   “Virgil has a tendency to exaggerate at times. It is just part of being anxiety. I am positive you will be fine,” Logan insisted, looking annoyed.

   “If it was something deters Remus of all sides, it’s probably a massive deal. You’re volunteering to come in and help me if I call, then?” Roman grumbled and put his drink down.

   “That is a reasonable compromise,” Logan said, calling Roman’s bluff right away. He didn’t get why Logan couldn’t just go, other than the whole ‘avoiding him’ thing. Roman grimaced and sank down to head to Anxiety’s room.

   The room was well lit, perhaps even a little sun coming through the windows. Nothing seemed out-of-place other than the fact that Virgil definitely wasn’t here. He wasn’t on the stairs, hiding in the couch cushions, not in the kitchen pantry. It was so eerily silent in there that Roman swore he could hear the spiders move. Probably Beatrice on the prowl. At least Roman hoped that Virgil didn’t have any non-pet spiders that were not as docile as Beatrice that he was hearing creep up on him. Maybe it was just the room trying to trick him. Anxiety’s room did always give him the creeps. It was no wonder Virgil enjoyed hanging out in Roman’s room. Roman kicked and pushed and dug around a little more, but it didn’t even look lived in. Virgil usually had blankets and pillows strewn around after waking up since he liked to bundle himself up. There was just one blanket folded neatly on the couch. Roman couldn’t even find a pair of headphones anywhere. Roman gave up searching for him and sunk back to the kitchen table.

   “He’s not in there. It’s so empty that it doesn’t look like he had even been there recently,” Roman said, turning around to look at the stairwell. “I guess he’s in someone’s room?”

   “He could also be in the mind palace,” Logan offered. Roman’s face twinged. He better not be. “That was an odd reaction to my suggestion, Roman,” Logan stated with slight suspicion, raising his eyebrow at Roman.

   “I’m just worried,” Roman said dismissively. Virgil didn’t want anyone to know, and it seemed harmless to hide it. It’s not like it would change anything if Logan knew why he shouldn’t be in there. Virgil would still be missing. “He’s been very present lately, and it’s odd to not see him,” Roman said, sitting back down to work on his latte again.

   “Yeah, it’s been so fun to hang out with Virgil! But maybe he’s recuperating. He has probably been pushing his social energy to the limit lately,” Patton mused with a slight smile.

   “It’d make more sense if he was recuperating in his room, not in the mind palace or in somebody else’s room.” Logan corrected him.

   “Maybe he’s a master of illusion and was hiding in his room!” Patton suggested excitedly.

   “The only illusion I’ve seen him flaunt is somehow being comfortable and not sliding down the stairs when he lies on them,” Roman said, dismissing that idea.

   “Yes, I have also seen Virgil laying upside down on the stairs. I find it somewhat unnerving that he ignores physics so brazenly,” Logan replied. “I do not believe he would be in anyone else’s room, but if you see him, please direct him gently to talk to me. I will finish the information packets in my room,” Logan said with a nod of goodbye a sunk away.

   “Well, I can’t blame him for wanting to talk to Virgil and all, that but was annoying of him to make me his errand boy twice in the same five minutes,” Roman huffed and crossed his arms, leaning back on the chair.

   “Oh, I doubt he meant it like that, champ. It’s only if we see him in passing,” Patton said placatingly.

   “I’ll be in my room working most of the day, not passing by random side’s rooms for fun. I’m following Logan’s stupid schedule. He should know that,” Roman gestured in frustration and took another drink of latte.

   “Thomas has been busy lately. I’m impressed Logan found the time to write something and the packets. I kind of thought he’d skip them this week since you two have been working more and more these past couple days. I’m surprised you’re not more tired in the evenings,” Patton said, leaning forward on his hands.

   “You know me, padre, I’ve got plenty of energy,” Roman smiled knowingly and winked and Patton.

   “Oh! You’re right. I forgot,” Patton giggled. “Well, I hope you take the breaks you need, anyway. Creative burn out is serious business!” Patton said seriously, tapping the table with his pointer finger.

   “I’m well aware. I’ve got it under control. It’s actually nice to blow off steam with Virgil in the evenings,” Roman shrugged and crossed his legs.

   “You have been seeing him at night for a few days now. You haven’t been fighting the entire time, have you?” Patton said, looking critically at Roman.

   “Not the whole time,” Roman scoffed and posed with his hand to imply the implication offended him.

   “You should be nicer to him,” Patton frowned.

   “Trust me, Virgil usually starts it. He’s a little…” Roman considered the right word and twisted his hand in the air while he processed it. “… feral in my room,” Roman flipped his hand in the air. “Last night he tried to start a fight three times,” Roman sighed, shaking his head.

   “Oh! Well, sorry for accusing you of being mean, then,” Patton said sheepishly.

   “It’s fine. I started plenty of fights with him. It wasn’t an unfair assumption, and you haven’t seen him in my room before,” Roman said dismissively with a slight shrug.

   “Well, our kiddo is sure full of a lot more fight than flight, lately!” Patton mused, sipping his cocoa.

   “Well, unless you believe Logan’s whole… ‘avoiding him’ thing. I haven’t seen Virgil do that thing where he stiffens and runs off or anything,” Roman said, not really believing Logan’s accusation. Though Virgil was acting exceptionally weird, either way.

   “As I said, It’s gotta be a misunderstanding. Virgil’s been downright pleasant lately,” Patton pouted, summoning more marshmallows into his drink. 

   “Well, maybe for you,” Roman laughed. “I still say he’s feral. Oh, gorgon breath, Thomas has been at the computer blanking and I didn’t notice. He got there early today,” Roman rushed to stand up. “Damnit, Logan, that’s not on the schedule! I’ve got to run, Pat,” Roman hissed, sending off his drink and standing up quickly.

   “Don’t work too hard, kiddo!” Patton waved after him, furrowing his eyebrows in concern.

   “Work hard, play hard!” Roman called out with a proud grin as he sank out.

— * * * —

   Deceit must have given into the pouting puppy face that Virgil learned from Patton. Instead of all the things Deceit said he was busy with today, they were playing chess on the floor in Deceit’s room with snacks and drinks Deceit had summoned. Virgil had hoped whatever Deceit had planned wasn’t so important that it needed 100% of his focus so that playing chess was okay. But Virgil was happy just to be spending time with D. He always got him and always cared for him in his own weird way.

   Virgil didn’t mind if Deceit used him sometimes, honestly. It was nice to be needed. Deceit had even been more straight-forward with Virgil lately. Virgil was pretty certain Deceit did things the way he did because he didn’t want to be rejected or ignored. Virgil didn’t think it was from any kind of bad place. He could get that probably more than any other side, as a side who used to try to scare the others into listening to him. The other sides were kind of assholes to D, so he didn’t have many options. Deceit was kind of an asshole too, but it was hard to care about that in the past when he’d been helping Virgil constantly in the present. Deceit admitted he was wrong, and that was big of him. Virgil knew he hated doing that with burning and over-dramatic passion.

   Virgil was lying on the ground and agonizing between two different good-looking moves, but he was pretty certain Deceit had already thought ahead and was trying to pick the best move to survive over the best move moving forward.

   “Virgil, your bishop has had an opening for six turns, why do you refuse to use it?” Deceit asked, sounding somewhat baffled. He was sipping his tea cross-legged on the other side of the board and fiddling with one of Virgil’s fallen pawns in his other hand while Virgil was thinking. Virgil involuntarily winced and held his clavicle.

   “The bishop doesn’t need to get items from the king or queen for special moves,” Virgil said quietly, just realizing it was a dumb thing to have been waiting for as soon as he said it. He flinched at his own stupidity and buried his face in his hands.

“We’re not playing that accursed version that Remus plays,” Deceit said, tinged in frustration.

   “I… I know. My brain mixed it up, I guess,” Virgil mumbled through his fingers. “It’s not like either of us was playing like that up until that point. I would have pulled a knife on you already,” He exhaled and let go of his face.

   “Yes, it’s such a magnificent idea to pull a knife on me,” Deceit said sarcastically, tossing up Virgil’s pawn and catching it.

   “Well, how else could I have gotten two turns to take your knight without losing my own?” Virgil said rolling his eyes and flipping his hand out.

   “That’s not chess, Virgil,” Deceit said, rolling his eyes. “I don’t know what to call whatever that monstrosity is,” He sounded exasperated by the whole subject.

   “Fun until it’s not,” Virgil said blithely. “You’ve judged for us before, but I’ve never judged for you two, are you any good at his weird version?” Virgil asked, finally making his move. It was a bad one, Deceit had immediately taken his piece, and he wasn’t that far from checking him.

   “I’m such a fan of being attacked,” Deceit said bitterly. Virgil chuckled lightly and looked up to Deceit, who looked annoyed.

   “So, really good until Remus pulls out his morning star,” Virgil posited with a smirk.

   “It’s not an inaccurate summation,” Deceit muttered. “I don’t understand why you want to fight with him so much, other than when your aspects eventually taint each other,”

   “He’s fun to fight. I just feel like I have to around him, I get all wired and need to punch something,” Virgil explained. “It’s certainly not that I want an enemy I can actually beat, unlike the crushing weight of capitalism or something,” Virgil added bitterly.

   “You don’t seem to beat Roman much,” Deceit mused with a raised eyebrow.

   “He’s much more fun when he thinks he has won over me,” Virgil said with a smirk. “Just taking a page out of my favourite noodle’s book,” His head swam for a moment as he fought the effects of Deceit’s room. He had been in here all morning, and it was getting very difficult to think straight.

   “Love the nickname,” Deceit said angrily, taking another one of Virgil’s pieces. Shit. He was within range of the king. “Check, darling,” Virgil scrambled for a move, he luckily still had valuable pieces that could protect the king for now. 

   Except for the fact that his bishops and remaining knight didn’t matter, in the end. Deceit had him beat in a few tense turns, regardless of any saving plays Virgil tried to make. He really was brutal at chess. 

   “Checkmate,” Deceit cooed and knocked over the king piece, the entire board disappearing right after. Virgil slumped to the floor and held his head.

   “Brilliant move,” Virgil mumbled derisively. Deceit placed his hand on Virgil briefly before pulling him up to his feet.

   “You need to go, Virgil,” Deceit said smoothly. Virgil pulled him in for a hug.

   “I’m handling it just fine,” Virgil groaned in frustration. Deceit rolled his eyes and hugged Virgil back, and they both sank out, causing Virgil to grumble angrily as they rose into his room. He stumbled for a moment after rising, feeling a little dizzy.

   “Yes, you are completely well and unaffected,” Deceit hissed, letting go of Virgil. Virgil held on stubbornly, though, partially because he wasn’t ready to be alone and partially because he was concerned he would fall over. “You don’t have to be a brat, darling. I’ll stay for a bit,” Deceit said, loosening Virgil’s grip on him with a tinge of annoyance. Virgil stumbled again when Deceit let go of his arms after pulling Virgil off of him. Deceit caught him before he fell to the floor. “Ah,” He said in understanding and carefully lead him to the couch, sitting down with him.

   “Thanks a lot,” Virgil murmured as Deceit lowered them both down together. Virgil pulled himself into a ball to catch his bearings, leaning against Deceit’s shoulder on the couch. Deceit grabbed the weighted blanket off the back of the couch from his nap yesterday and draped it over Virgil, which was an impressive move with one arm. The weight was really grounding and Virgil sank into the couch and laid down on Deceit’s lap instead of fighting it any longer.

   “I don’t know if any side should stay in another’s room that long,” Deceit hummed. Virgil grunted in acknowledgment, not really wanting to admit it but also not really in any state to disagree. “I would scold you for not saying anything normally, but I don’t think it counts in this circumstance,” Deceit mused. Virgil nodded in his lap, extremely grateful that Deceit understood. “I’ll just have to keep a closer eye on you next time,” Virgil cooed. Virgil looked up at him, seeing Deceit staring at a web instead of looking at Virgil. He was willing to spend more time with him even after Virgil had fucked up and let Deceit’s room get the better of him. He wasn’t even mad at him for it. Virgil sighed in relief and nestled into Deceit’s lap.

   “I’m still too dizzy to do anything else, but if you want to snark at a TV show or something we could do that,” Virgil offered quietly. He watched the remote fly up from the coffee table and the TV switched on. Deceit was flipping through the choices, looking for something to watch with him. Virgil was relieved that Deceit was willing to stay while he recovered.

   Deceit had watched 2 episodes and shared possibly a hundred insults at the characters with him before he turned off the TV and reached down to help pull Virgil up.

   “Thanks for staying,” Virgil muttered, sitting up on the couch now and rubbing his face to focus. Deceit looked like he got hit in the face with a whole-ass eyeshadow palette. He was a great actor, though. He wasn’t shaking or looking around wildly, or really anything. He held out his hand, and Virgil took it, and Deceit pulled him into a hug. Once they broke apart, Deceit conjured a large jar.

   “I require some of your fear spiders for an experiment,” He said twisting off the cap filled with holes and holding it out for Virgil. “I know they’re not quite followers but order them to listen to me,” He said evenly. Virgil looked at him in confusion for a moment, but placed his hand over the top of the jar, creating some spiders and webs for them to house inside the jar.

   “I can’t make them last past Thomas waking, is that okay?” Virgil asked as he finished and Deceit twisted on the top of the jar. Deceit just nodded. Virgil placed his hand on the jar and commanded them to follow Deceit’s orders in his head.

   Deceit kissed his head when Virgil pulled away and waved once as he sunk away with the jar. He wasn’t entirely sure what that was about, but he knew Remus was his test subject since their morning meetings and never minded throwing a wad full of spiders his way, in the same way Remus liked to whip out the demonic ooze often. Virgil sighed and crawled to the top of the couch to write some poetry. He needed a distraction, and it felt like it had been a while. He was partially recovered from Deceit’s room other than feeling exhausted.

   Beatrice crawled onto his head while he was writing, and she argued with him about the symbolism in his poetry sometimes, but her telling him he used death too often or to switch his rhyming scheme, but that was funnier than anything else. She couldn’t even hold a pen. Though perhaps with enough effort and some tiny weights she could type on a laptop. The visual made him chuckle. They wrote together quietly. He’d have to credit her on this sonnet, or she’d throw a fit.

   “Hey, Kiddo, we missed you at-Ahh!” He heard Patton say and watched him rise up, recoil suddenly, and sink back down right away. Virgil laughed pretty loudly.

   “My, Beatrice, your abilities have only grown since I created you. Even I can’t make Patton run screaming,” Virgil said with a laugh. Beatrice spun around on his head proudly.

— * * * —

   “He’s in his room this time,” Patton said, raising into the living room and rubbing his arms. “That giant creepy crawly was on his head!” He cried out and clung to Logan, who was working on the schedule in the recliner. Logan just sighed and pat him on the back, being slightly crushed by Patton’s hug.

   “Was he doing anything odd?” Roman asked curiously, looking up from his laptop at the table. Patton released Logan finally and went to go sit on the couch. He took a deep breath of relief.

   “He was sitting on the back of the couch writing in a composition notebook,” Patton said with a little shiver and summoned a blanket and wrapped himself up.

   “That’s completely normal for Virgil,” Logan said. “Did you ask him if he was still going to meet us later for the story session?”

   “There was a giant spider on his head, Logan, I’m lucky I made it out alive!” Patton whined and buried himself in the blankets.

   “I have never seen him with a larger spider than Beatrice, and she is only slightly large for a tarantula, I don’t know if he can even conjure larger arachnids,” Logan said plainly.

   “There are larger spiders than Beatrice!?” Patton screamed and sank from his spot on the couch, his blanket collapsing to the couch. Logan shook his head wearily.

   “I can’t believe he remembered that creeper’s name,” Roman said, rolling his eyes and returning to the laptop. “I’ll just send a note to remind Virgil,” Roman flicked his wrist and summoned the note pad. “I’m not a big fan of that fuzzy demon either,” Roman said and flourished his hand and the note disappeared. He went back to typing and Logan waited patiently to see if there would be a response. A skull sticky floated down to his laptop. “He sent a haiku about how he wants to punch me in the face?” Roman said incredulously and extremely confused.

   “That response seems more like something your brother would send,” Logan said, walking over to the table to take the note from Roman to see for himself. Roman handed it over and shrugged. It was indeed a simple haiku about how he wants to punch Roman in the face in Virgil’s handwriting. But the backside had a big checkmark. He showed Roman the check and placed it down on the table. “Well, he is informed and aware,” Logan said dismissively and returned his work.

taglist: @itsaamood-33 @elizabutgayer​ 

[lovemychoices]

Before There Was You-5A

TRR x ROE

Three years ago while travelling in Europe, Eve Sommers was involved in a car accident. She woke up from her coma two weeks later with no memory of what happened to her in the past seven months. Three years later and still no recollection about what happened to her before the accident. But all of that is about to change. Will she finally know the truth? Will there be consequences?

*THIS SERIES PRACTICALLY THROWS CANON OUT THE WINDOW* YEET!YEET!

Characters belong to Pixelberry, I am just borrowing them.

Word count : 1800

Chapter Summary: Eve is finally in Cordonia! What are the obstacles she’s going to face? Will she fail or come out victorious?

A/N: This is my first fiction series so it will definitely not be 100% perfect, in other words be kind 😬Grammatical errors are expected 🤣 Feedback and comments are welcomed. If you think this series could be your cup of tea then let me know if you want to be added to the series tag list, also hit that LIKE and REBLOG button if you like what you read.

Catch up with the series HERE

Warning : I’m rating this PG18 cause there will probably be PG18 stuff that’s going to happen in future chapters. So if you read this series you acknowledge that you are 18 and above.

BTWY Tag list: @thecordoniandiaries @leelee10898 @ao719 @annekebbphotography @desiree-0816 @rainbowsinthestorm @emceesynonymroll @the-soot-sprite @carabeth @cora-nova @charliejane-blog @dcbbw @hopefulmoonobject @cmestrella @jlpplays1 @pixieferry @romanticatheart-posts

The ride from the airport to the palace was awfully quiet, Eve was still mad at Drake about what he said back in the jet so she didn’t feel like talking much. Maxwell, who sat between them, could feel the tension that came with the awkward silence. He wondered what happened while he was asleep on the plane, he tried to break the silence with a few of his jokes only to be ignored with more silence.

The SUV starts to pull over as it reaches the main entrance of the palace. Oh thank God Maxwell thought to himself, the silence was killing him. Eve steps out the SUV followed by Maxwell and then Drake. Drake quickly walks away leaving the two at the main entrance.

“Welcome to the Cordonian Royal Palace!” Maxwell beamed excitedly. “This is where we’re going to stay most of the time for the next five months. Come on I’m excited to show you your room!” He says pulling Eve by the hand and taking her into the palace before she could even take in all of her surroundings.

****

Eve enters her room and could not help but be amazed by how big it was, it was maybe four times the size of her room back in New York. The walls were painted a soft ecru colour and paired with gold trimmings. A beautiful giant antique chandelier hung in the middle of the room with a picture of a baby cherubs eating an apple on the ceiling.

“So I assume you have something to where for tonight.” Maxwell asks.

“Huh. Sorry. What?” She shakes her head and turns her attention back to Maxwell.

“You know for the masquerade ball it’s the start of the social season.”

“I’ve packs a few dresses for the occasion but I don't think I have a mask to go with the outfit.”

“That's alright, I’m sure they’ll have some you can borrow in the palace boutique.”

Maxwell's phone buzzes, he reaches for his pocket to see who it could be. “Oh look a text message from Bertrand, I gotta go he wants to see me. You’ll be fine without me till tonight right? He asks cocking an eyebrow.

“Sure…”

“Okay cool, the ball starts at 6 so don’t be late.” He informs her and leaves in a huff.

Eve opens her suitcase to get her dress ready when she realises she doesn’t know where the boutique was. She steps outside of her room to look for Maxwell but he’s already out of sight. She reaches in her pocket for her phone to call him but her battery is dead. Damn it! she thinks. “Oh well, guess I’ll have to find my own way to the boutique.” She murmurs.

A noble woman passes by and Eve tries to ask for some directions. “Excuse me miss, would you mind telling me where I can find the boutique?” She asks politely. The woman takes one look at her and grimaces before walking away, ignoring her question. Okay not much friendly people out here. She thought. lets see if I were a boutique in a big ass palace where would I be? Not paying attention to where she is going she accidentally bumps into someone.

“Oops! Sorry princess, didn’t see you there.” Leo apologises, she turns to face him and when she does he is take aback and eyes go wide open like he’s seeing a ghost from the past. “Eve?”

Eve cocks an eyebrow. “I’m sorry, have we met before?”

***

Three years ago - Paris, France

“Nice to meet you Eve, I’m Leo.” He smiled shaking her hand and she smiled back. “So what brings you this part of town?”

“Well I was actually going to take some photos by the Seine and check out the flea market when I got mobbed on the way.” She answers, her eyes go wide open when she realises she’s supposed to meet Ruby at the Louvre by now. She reaches for her purse but remembered her phone dropped in the river.

“Eve is something wrong?” Leo asked when he noticed she looked a bit worried.

“Um... So this is might sound a little awkward but would you mind if I borrowed your phone for a minute? I dropped mine in the river and I’m supposed to meet a friend at the Louvre right now, she’s probably worried that I haven’t shown up.”

Leo chuckles “I have a better idea, why don’t I take you there instead, it’s only a few minutes away if we take my motorcycle.”

Eve looks at him then at the motorcycle, she’s never ridden a motorcycle before. She bit her lower lip wondering if this was a good idea.

“I promise you it’s perfectly safe, do you trust me?” Leo grinned offering an extra helmet,

“Screw it.” She murmured under her breath and with a smile took the helmet. what could go wrong she thought.

***

“I’m sorry, have we met before?”

Leo doesn’t answer at first his mouth slightly open a look of confusion written all over his face.

“Eve? Is that you?” A familiar voice calls from across the hall. “Liam?” Eve smiles when she sees that it’s him. Liam walks up to her and gives her a long welcoming hug.

“I’ve missed you” He says

Eve closes her eyes taking in the scent of his sandalwood cologne. “I’ve missed you too.” She replies. They pull back a few seconds later. “Sorry I would have called but my phone died.”

“That’s alright as long as you’ve safely arrive, I trust Maxwell had everything in order? Was the plane ride okay?” He asks placing his hand on her shoulders.

“It was fine Liam, more than fine, thank you.”

“That’s good to hear. Oh , where are my manners?” He grins letting go of her. “Eve I'd like to introduce my older brother, Leo.” Liam says motioning Leo at the back.

“Oh you’re Liam's older brother!” Eve beamed, giving him a quick hug taking Leo off guard. She pulls away a few seconds later smiling. “Liam has told me so much about you.”

“It’s nice to meet you too Eve” Leo replies with a rueful smile. Of all the people in the world his brother could have fallen for it had to be her. He looked between the two rubbing the back of his neck. “Ah so, I need to go I’m sure you two have a lot of catching up to do.” He says and quickly turned on his heels walking the opposite direction.

Eve cocks an eyebrow as she watches Leo walk away. That was quick? She turns her attention back to Liam. “So... what's next?”

Liam heaves a sigh. “I wish I could stay and take you on a tour of the palace but i have a meeting to attend.” He took his hand in hers. “I’ll make it up to you tonight, I promise.”

“Then I shall be looking forward for tonight.” She grins. “By the way any idea where the boutique is? I kinda need to borrow a mask for the masquerade ball and I have no idea where I’m going.”

Liam chuckles. “It’s just around the corner.” He takes her right hand and kiss her knuckles giving a mischievous look. “Save me a dance tonight?”

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” She replies with a playful wink. “Until tonight.”

****

Eve stood in front of the mirror making some final adjustments to her dress. She chose to wear a beautiful strapless scarlet red mermaid dress that clung to every curve of her body. She walked towards her dresser where her phone charging to check for any messages she might have missed. 10 miss call and 5 messages from Ruby. Oh crap I forgot to call and let her know I safely arrive Cordonia. Let’s see it’s should be almost noon there so here goes. A few dial tones later..

“Hey Red…”

“Omg! Where have you been? I’ve been trying to call you all day! Do you know how worried I was?” Ruby bellowed.

“Yeah sorry, my phone died and I kinda lost track of time.”

“Yeah yeah yeah. At least you called. So how’s Cordonia treating you?”

“Hard to say I’ve only been here a couple hours, there was this really snobby woman I met and oh I did manage to run into Liam and his brother Leo—.”

Ruby spat out her drink when she heard the name. Could it be? Nah maybe it’s just a coincidence there are plenty of European guys out there with the name Leo last name Rys, could there? But just to be sure.

“Hello Red, you still there?”

“Oh yeah sure still here.. Hey Eve you wouldn’t mind sending a photo of Liam’s brother would you?”

“No, why would I have his photo and why do you want one?”

“Oh you know just.. to for some background check…” Ruby stutters

“Right…” Eve replies with a skeptical tone. “I don’t know, trying searching the Royal Archives online or something I’m sure he’s in it. Listen I love to continue this conversation but I’ve got an event I need to get you. Text you later on the details?”

“You’d better…”

They both hang up while Eve continued to get herself ready, Ruby quickly clicks on her googles app on her phone typing the Cordonian royal archives on the search engine. A few clicks later, her eyes go wide open when she finds out it Liam’s brother really is the Leo.

Ruby runs to her room opening her closet and taking out a box which was well hidden inside a secret hole in the wall. She opened the box and takes out a cellphone, which used to belong to Eve. She turns the phone on and looks through Eve’s phone book wondering if Leo still uses the same number. Couldn’t hurt to try.

Leo sat on the ottoman in his room staring up at the ceiling trying to wrap his head around what he just saw. He feels his phone buzzing in his pocket and takes it out, his eye go wide open when he sees the number that was calling. Could it be? Does she remember who I am?

“Hello?”

“You son of a bitch—”

Leo heaves a sigh. “Ruby it’s nice to hear from you again.”

“Listen you! I don’t know what shit you’ve got planned but if you—.”

“If this is about Eve, believe me I was as shocked as you are. And you know I would never do anything to hurt her intentionally ”

“Look I’m not mad at you for what happened in the past, that’s all in the past. But do you think it’s a good idea to be around her? What if she remembers what if she gets hurt again? Can’t you just leave?”

“Believe me I would if I could but I promised my brother I’d be here the entire social season to help him out, if I knew she was the one he was vying for I would have never made that promise and left before this whole thing began.” He shook his head. “Karma really is a little bitch.”

Ruby pinched the bridge of her nose trying to gather her thoughts and calm down. “Loook Leo, I’m sorry if I got all mad and shouted at you earlier on but you know how much I love Eve. I just don’t want her to relive all the pain she went through before a second time.”

“I understand and I promise, I’ll try my best to keep my distance.”

Ruby heaves a sigh. “I’m trusting you Leo.”

“I know…”

****

[carryonsimoncarryonbaz]

Here is Chapter 3 of my fic Behind Closed Doors, that I am writing for @krisrix

Chapter 3

Simon

I’m up early. I always am, no matter how late I get to bed. And last night was late for me.

I couldn’t get to sleep after Baz left. The combination of excitement, apprehension, and outright longing for him took a while to settle down. There’s a tinge of apprehension still lingering this morning.

I know he kissed me. I know he responded as willingly and passionately as I could hope. But Baz gets into his head sometimes I think, and he’s built up an entire spreadsheet of reasons why this is a bad idea.

It’s not like I’ve not thought of all that.

But there’s also a few reasons why this is an excellent idea, the first and foremost being that we have an undeniable attraction to each other. And I think we’d be good together. I really do.

I’m perfectly willing to forego all the trappings of a normal relationship, just to give this a chance.

I’d like to think Baz would too.

Fuck.

I don’t know. I wish he hadn’t left last night. Not when there was so much more to talk through. So much more time we could have had together.

I’ve never seen Baz at a loss for words.

To be honest it unnerved me a bit. In a good way, yeah, that I could render him speechless. But also in a way that’s making my stomach twist with anxiety that maybe I crossed a line and I’ve fucked it all up.

But he didn’t say no. I know that. He didn’t say no.

He didn’t outright say yes either.

Fuck.

I make breakfast. I watch some television. I even resort to cleaning the bathroom, which is a task I absolutely loathe.

I’m waiting for Baz to call or text or something and I can’t settle down.

Having proposed this non-relationship relationship to Baz seems to be doing wonders for the upkeep of my flat, but not so much for my state of mind. By eleven I’ve cleaned the detested bathroom, sorted my laundry, changed my sheets, and made a batch of salted caramel scones. It’s a new recipe and it’s not bad, but nothing like the cherry scones I make in the summer.

By noon I’m beyond agitated. Should I call him? Send a text?

Fuck it. I’m all nervous energy.

In the end I go for a jog mostly because I can’t think of anything else to do in my flat.

So, of course, that’s when I get a text from Baz.

I’m almost home when my mobile vibrates in my pocket but I’m too worked up to wait. I stop, chest heaving a bit, and yank it out of my joggers.

Baz: Happy New Year, Simon.

I wait to see if there’s a follow up to that. There’s not, of course. Wanker.

I’m not sure what to say. I’ve been waiting all morning to hear from him and now that I have a text—a bland, noncommittal text—I don’t know how to respond.

Simon: Started off the year with a jog in the park

Baz: Why am I not surprised by that?

I’m trying to come up with an appropriate response when another text from him pops up.

Baz: do you have a landline?

Simon: ?

My mobile starts ringing and I see it’s him. I pick up.

“Hey.”

“Good morning, Simon.”

“It’s afternoon, actually. I’m glad you texted, er, called.”

“Do you have a landline at your flat or just a mobile?”

“Just the mobile.”

There’s silence on the line. My heart starts to race. I’ve thought about this issue enough in the last week, in the last twenty-four hours, to know exactly what he’s getting at with that question.

And I’ve got an answer ready.

“We can get burner mobiles. Virgin has good rates or we can use Lyca.”

There are drawbacks to workplace issued mobiles. This is the best way to bypass that. Baz hasn’t answered me yet and it makes my pulse pound even faster.

If he’s asked the question it must mean he’s considering it? Considering us?

I’m holding my breath.

He’s still not saying anything. I can’t take it. I just blurt out what I’m thinking.

“Come over to my place, Baz. Let’s talk in person, yeah?”  

“You’re sure?” I don’t think he’s just asking about him coming over. I think his question encompasses so much more.

“Positive.” I run a hand through my sweaty hair. “Give me a half hour to clean up?”

I can hear Baz snort through the mobile. “I’ll see you then. Have you eaten or shall I bring something?”

My stomach rumbles at the thought of food. “I’d not say no to that.”

There’s a muffled sound again, almost like a laugh. “Alright then, Simon.”

I race the rest of the way home. At least the flat is neat and somewhat tidy after my anxiety-induced cleaning frenzy this morning.

Baz

I’m not sure going over to Snow’s flat is the best of ideas. My head is still spinning with the implications of his words last night.

I’ve not slept well. I couldn’t fall asleep when I got home last night, with all those delectable visions of Simon in my head.

I woke up far earlier than I would have liked this morning.

I’m always a bit bad-tempered when I haven’t slept well. Even more cross when I have a lot on my mind.

I have a lot on my mind.

I’d been looking forward to a good lie-in this morning, what with the holiday. I’d not expected to be constructing detailed pro/con arguments in my head half the night. It had taken utmost restraint not to sit down with a pen and paper and make an actual list at half past two in the morning.

As if that would have accomplished anything. There are far too many cons to this daft idea and basically one pro—Simon himself.

It’s undeniably tempting. Totally enthralling to contemplate—it’s everything I’ve dreamed of since I first met him. It’s what I’ve fantasized about for months. It’s been this tantalizing daydream and the realization that I just might be able to make it my reality has sent me into an emotional tailspin.

I don’t get good things. They don’t just happen to me like this.

That’s not my reality.

But fuck it all. I want this. It’s mad and utterly stupid and risky and a whole host of other descriptions that should have me sending Simon a strongly worded text that it’s all bollocks and I’m not even remotely considering it.

I’d be lying if I did that.

So instead I’m driving over to his flat, having managed to compile a list of necessary precautions to put in place before we embark on this lunacy.

Categorized. Itemized. Detail driven.

Bloody hell, I am such a fucking catastrophe.

I forgot to pick up the kebabs.

Simon

My hair is an utter disaster but I can’t be arsed over it. It’s still damp when there’s a knock on my door. I’m trying so hard to look casual again—t-shirt and trackies, my standard weekend uniform—but as I run for the door I wish I’d put something else on. I look like a knobhead, I’m sure.

Compared to Baz I do. He’s all cool elegance in fucking form fitted jeans again as he stands at the threshold and it takes sheer determination to drag my eyes up to his face.

It should be criminal for anyone to look this good in a turtleneck.

“Er . . . hi . . . come in.” I sound a complete tit.

Baz sweeps in but doesn’t take off his coat. He stands by my door, face cool and imperious, but I can see the strain of the fabric as his hands ball up into fists inside the pockets of his jacket.

“Uh. . . I can take your coat?”

Baz clears his throat and blinks twice before shrugging off his jacket. I can’t read him at all right now, his face is like a mask.

I shift to place his coat on the peg by the door and that brings me closer to him, near enough to catch a trace of the cedar and bergamot scent that is so uniquely his.

He smells so damn good.

I linger for a minute by his coat, clenching the fabric in my hands as I do, to keep myself from pouncing on him. His hair’s down today, not slicked back like usual.

I want to slide my fingers through it.

He’s still not said anything. He looks even better without his coat and it’s got me distracted. I should invite him in, make some tea, grab him by the shoulders and snog him senseless, anything other than just stare at him like a gobsmacked numpty.

I feel like a gobsmacked numpty, to be honest. Baz is here. He’s actually considering what I suggested last night.

At least I think he is. I guess I haven’t got confirmation of that yet.

“You want to come in, have some tea?”

“That sounds perfect.” There’s a hint of relief in his eyes, I think, at the mundanity of my suggestion. He swallows then glances down, a faint flush on his cheeks. It’s the softest he’s looked since he walked in. “Sorry, I . . . ah . . . I forgot to bring the kebabs.”

I blink back at him and then remember he said he was going to bring food. I wave my hand in the direction of the kitchen. “Don’t worry about it. There’s chicken from last night. I can heat it up in a bit.”  

I bustle about the kitchen, turning the kettle on, pulling mugs out of the cabinet, plating the scones I made earlier. Baz sits at the table, chin resting in his hand, following me with his eyes.

I gesture at the scones. “Have one.”

His eyebrow arches and he looks more like himself. “And deprive you of your basic dietary staple, Simon?”

“I don’t just eat scones, you know.” I place the butter dish on the table.

“I should hope not. You’d have some obscure disease like scurvy or beri beri if that’s all you ate.”

“I like berries.”

“You truly are hopeless, Simon, I hope you know that.” I think he’s making fun of me but I don’t care. There’s a smile on Baz’s face now and I can’t help but think it looks a bit fond.

Good.

“I’ll have you know I made those scones. I was trying out a new recipe this morning. Salted caramel.”

And that’s all it takes for him to reach over and pluck one from the serving plate. He’s got such a sweet tooth.

I busy myself with the tea and find myself relaxing a bit. I can’t let myself get agitated. He’s here, I remind myself.

I settle in the chair next to him and push a mug across the table. I know how he takes his tea.

Read the Rest at a ao3!! 

[mrslittletall]

Title: A Storm is coming (Chapter 8) Fandom: Dark Souls Characters: Chosen Undead/Dragon Slayer Ornstein Word Count: 3.344 AO3-Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16603610/chapters/44733007 Previous chapter: https://mrslittletall.tumblr.com/post/184714873284/title-a-storm-is-coming-chapter-7-fandom-dark

Summary: Ornstein gives Tempest a bath. The training begins. Tempest questions the cooking skills of the dragon slayer.

(Author's note: Oh boy, time for some fluff ^^ I want to get them into friends and lovers eventually, so we have to start somewhere, no?)

“Train me?”, Tempest stood up, still trying to process what his ears had just heard.

“I have spoken clearly the first time. You definitely need to be shaped into a warrior.”, Ornstein surveyed Tempest and added in a snarky tone: “I would like to shape you into a knight, but I feel that is beyond hope.”

“So, um, what do you want me to do?”, Tempest asked.

“First, it is time to get this armour off you.”, Ornstein came nearer and started undressing Tempest, who lowly squeaked in protest. Once every piece of armour had been clattered to the ground, Ornstein, who had grabbed Tempest wrist into his own gauntlet, stared at him aghast.

“Right, I forgot that this happens to you when you die. Please reverse this.”, he said, averting his gaze.

“Um, fine.”, Tempest left briefly to reverse his hollowing at the nearby bonfire, the firekeeper staring at him, after all, he only was clothed with a loin cloth now, before returning to Ornstein, starting to freeze a bit, being underdressed like this. While a lot of his senses turned off because he was undead, his blood still was flowing, hollowed out or not and naturally his body tried to stay warm.

When Tempest returned to Ornstein, the dragon slayer stared at him. “By the lord, I thought you had the decency to get properly dressed, why are you running around half naked?!”

“Um...”, Tempest started. He wasn't even sure why he hadn't put any clothes on. He had worn this armour for so long that it didn't even occur to him. “I thought it was part of the training.”, he finally brought out. Ornstein however, still stared at him.

“Ugh, I thought it was your hollowed out form that was reeking so much, but apparently your last bath has been ages ago. Look at all this dirt.”, he scolded while gesturing with both hands to Tempest body, which certainly was covered in quite a bit dirt. “I certainly won't train you, when you stink up the air like that. It is time for you to take a bath.”

Before Tempest could protest, the dragon slayer had picked him up with one hand and just slumped him over his shoulder, heading for the cathedral. While being carried like this, Tempest noticed that Ornstein seemed to limp a tiny little bit. Guilt washed over Tempest. Ornstein probably had gotten injured when he had been searching for him in the archives.

Once Ornstein had entered the cathedral, he headed straight for the part that Tempest didn't even had noticed when first having entered the marvelous building. At least this time he didn't had to be afraid of any silver knights. Tempest admired a bit how Ornstein was able to find his way in this big cathedral so easily when he remembered how often the dragon slayer had took wrong turns in the archives. Well, Ornstein had lived here for a millenia, of course he would know his way around here.

In front of a particular room, Ornstein finally put Tempest down.

“Wait here.”, he said and then undid his armour. Wait wait wait... did Ornstein intend to go into the bath with him? Tempest assumption only seemed to verify when the dragon slayer also attempted to undo the shirt he wore and neatly folded and laid it into a shelf near the door to the room. Tempest already braced himself for the dragon slayer to let fall his trousers, but he simply picked Tempest back again, entered the room and the next thing Tempest knew was that he had been thrown into hot water.

He emerged from the water, coughing and spitting it out where it had entered his lungs. Looking down at him, Tempest realized that he didn't wore his loin cloth anymore. Staring at the side of the big pool, where Ornstein stood, he could see that the dragon slayer casually threw it on the ground.

“That was a bit far.”, Ornstein called over to him. “Come back.”

Shrugging, Tempest came back to the side where Ornstein was kneeling. He actually had to swim there, the water felt quite deep for him. He figured, it was because the bath had been made for the likes of Ornstein, who naturally were a lot taller than humans. As soon as he was at Ornstein's side, he asked: “So, to actually clean myself, I need a washing cloth and soap.”, Tempest said. The dragon slayer didn't say anything. Instead, Ornstein himself drew out the desired items and started to rub Tempest himself.

“Look at this dirt. Just how long has it been since you cleaned yourself?”, Ornstein asked with a wrinkled nose.

“I don't think I had any bath since I left the Undead Asylum.”, Tempest answered truthfully.

“Gross. You have been to Blighttown!”, Ornstein practically shouted the last word while continuing to scrub the dirt away from him. Tempest in fact noticed a few cuts, bruises and what seemed to be freshly clotted bleeds on the dragon slayer's bare chest along a myriad of old scars, mostly burns. His chest tightened when he laid his eyes on a particular big scar across his chest, the one that had struck the dragon slayer down. Ornstein suddenly stopped scrubbing and said: “Stop staring.”

Tempest quickly avoided his gaze and being completely at the mercy of the dragon slayer, didn't dare to say another word, until Ornstein handed a fresh washing cloth to him. “Do your private parts yourself.”, he said and sat down, closely watching Tempest.

Tempest accepted the washing cloth but before he actually started to clean himself, he asked: “Um, do you intent to watch me doing this?”

“Oh, sorry, I used to give the little ones bathes and when I kept my gaze off them they would just escape. I just can't get rid of this habit.”, Ornstein said and turned around to give Tempest some privacy. Tempest had no clue about who Ornstein even had talked. Did he had kids once? Little siblings? Or was he referring to pets like a dog? Once Tempest was done, he exclaimed it loudly and asked if he was allowed to leave the pool now.

“Look at all this dirt.”, Ornstein gestured to the part of the pool that had practically blackened by all the dirt before giving Tempest a towel. “I am going to find a few clothes for you, just don't wander away.” With that words the dragon slayer left and Tempest was left alone to dry his body off.

Tempest just had finished rubbing his hair dry when the dragon slayer returned and tossed a few black leather clothes in front of him. “Unfortunately, Ciaran's clothes are the only ones that may fit you.”, he said. Tempest picked the clothes up. Nothing too bad, just some simple pants and a vest. No underwear though. Well, Tempest would hopefully be able to wash his loincloth later. It still laid on the side of the pool.

After slipping into the clothes, it became apparent that they had been made for a female body, but they fit Tempest well enough. He felt both lighter and a lot more unprotected without the elite knight armour. After Tempest was dressed, Ornstein, who had put on his armour (and hopefully his shirt) back again in the meantime, nodded in satisfaction and ordered him to follow. They ended up at the large area near the bonfire.

“Pull out your weapon and show it to me.”, Ornstein ordered and Tempest did so, pulling the Katana out and presented it to the dragon slayer. He took it and eyed it thoroughly.

“A weapon from the east. Has a nice edge to it, very sharp blade, makes foes bleed quickly. However, breaks easily. How did you even come into the possession of such a weapon? They aren't exactly common here.”

That actually was a rather funny story. In the Undead Burg, Tempest had found a merchant but unfortunately had lacked any souls to actually buy anything from him at the moment, so he politely declined his wares, which only prompted the merchant to say out aloud, that he should fall off a cliff. Annoyed by such a mean thing, Tempest had shoved the merchant and accidentally scratched him with the tip of his sword, which the merchant had took as cue to attack him with this particular katana. But before he could do anything, the merchant had lost balance and fell down the burg. Tempest had picked up the katana later at the place where he had died. The merchant never appeared again. He either moved on or had become hollow.

Tempest opened his mouth and said “Well.”, intending to tell this story, when the dragon slayer already interrupted him. “Show me which other weapons you have.”

Tempest closed his mouth and went for the bottomless box at the bonfire, returning with every weapon he had picked up so far. It weren't too much. A combination of swords, a mace, an axe, some spears. Tempest actually expected that Ornstein picked up one of the spears, but instead, he went for a straight sword.

“Straight swords are a good weapon to start with.”, Ornstein explained. “You can use a very versatile movement with them and they are quite sturdy.” Ornstein swung the sword around a bit, did a thrust attack, a slash, a slice and series of quick slashes in demonstration. Tempest only stared at awe. This knight in front of him really knew what he was doing. He felt like he had always just blindly swung his weapon around.

“However.”, Ornstein continued, “The best sword won't do anything when its bearer can't wield it correct. Here.”, he tossed the sword to Tempest. “I need to know how well you handle yourself in a duel so that I have a base to start.” Ornstein picked up another sword for himself, leaning his dragon slayer spear against a wall.

“What, I shall duel you?”, Tempest asked aghast.

“You already won against me, remember?”, the dragon slayer replied. “Now prepare yourself.”

That was the only warning Tempest got before Ornstein lunged at him and struck him with his own sword. Tempest winced in pain and rolled away, a method that had been rather effective for dodging the strikes of his mostly far larger foes.

Ornstein turned around and swung his sword at him, Tempest quickly threw his own in the air, trying to block the blow, but got quickly overwhelmed by the quick follow up strikes that the dragon slayer pressured onto him. After what felt like less a minute, he laid on the ground, the sword tip on his throat and Ornstein simply said: “Dead.”

Tempest was grateful when the dragon slayer removed the sword tip from his throat, casually leaning it over his shoulder, when Tempest crawled back up. Was this really the same guy he had fought in the cathedral? It felt like the Ornstein the cathedral had either been weakened or had been going easy on him. No, Tempest didn't think he did go easy on him. Sometimes he had been killed in two strikes. But when Ornstein had put this pressure on him when with the executioner, Tempest wouldn't have stand the slightest chance.

“Everything is off about your stance.”, Ornstein said, coming closer to Tempest. “You need to correct it.” The dragon slayer forcefully touched Tempest arms, legs and waist and bent him into a what felt like a very awkward stance for Tempest.

“Hold this for 30 minutes, then we can continue.”, Ornstein said, leaning against the wall next to his spear.

While Tempest tried to hold the pose Ornstein had forced him into, he had some time to observe the dragon slayer. After a short while, Ornstein put the sword down he had used to duel with and instead picked up his spear again, just staring blankly at nothing. Or at least his lion helmet made it look like this. Tempest didn't like this awkward silence and decided to try for some smalltalk.

“I didn't knew you were so good with a sword. I thought the spear was your favoured weapon.”

“The spear is my favoured weapon, but I have trained the silver knights for a millennia to use swords. Of course I know how to wield a sword.”

“So when you favour spears, why do you want to train me with a sword?”

“Better basics. Easier to teach. Spears are more specialized. By the way, your stance is crumbling.”

That was true, Tempest wasn't able to hold it any longer and pretty much stumbled on the ground.

“Ouch, my entire body feels like hurting.”, he complained.

Ornstein sighed beneath him. “That could take some time...”

And so they continued the session, Ornstein occasionally coming over to Tempest to forcefully correct his stance (Tempest swore he could hear his bones creak). This procedure continued until it was night all of a sudden. Tempest hadn't even noticed that the sun had gone down. Instead, it was like someone had pulled a switch and made the day into the night. “That was sudden...”, Tempest mentioned.

“Gwyndolin has gone to sleep, then we should call it a day too.” Ornstein said and started to get into motion, walking towards the cathedral. Tempest followed him.

“So, uh, why was it dark all of a sudden? What has it to do with the dark sun going to sleep?”, Tempest asked Ornstein.

“Hmm.. I thought you already had found this out.”, Ornstein said. “Didn't you notice something strange about the sun while we were out there?”

“The night came far too sudden, I didn't even saw the sun move.”, Tempest said and it hit him like a brick. “The sun didn't move! Not a single time until I have arrived here. It must have been several days! Why didn't I ask myself why it was never night until now?”

“So you figured that this town is covered in an eternal dusk. It always was the time when Anor Londo looked most beautiful.”

“So it's an illusion?”, Tempest asked, having to make an effort to keep up with Ornstein's long steps. Tempest looked in the sky to see a risen full moon. “A full moon, a dark sun...”, he whispered to himself. He glanced at Ornstein but the dragon slayer apparently was done talking with him.

Back at the cathedral, Ornstein assigned a room to Tempest. It clearly once had been used as a guest room, aside from a bed, a cupboard and a table with chairs nothing was in it. Tempest didn't need to sleep, but lying down on a bed would be more comfortable when he had to wait for the night to pass.

Besides showing Tempest the room, Ornstein hadn't give him any further instructions. While Tempest's bones and muscles did hurt, a quick sip of Estus eased the pain and he didn't feel like lying on the bed for several hours, so Tempest decided to explore the cathedral on his own. He was just walking through the hallways, when he smelled a horrible stench, like someone burned something up really bad. Apparently, having a bath made him sensitive to scents again, after Blighttown he had pretty much given up on using his nose ever again. It hadn't occurred to him that his own stench had been at fault for this.

Tempest followed the stench to find an open door. Silently, he peaked in and saw Ornstein sitting at the table of a room that very much looked like a kitchen, reluctantly staring at whatever it was that he had cooked up. Seeing the kitchen, it itched in Tempest's hand. It had been so long, far too long. But the sight of the dragon slayer at the table, trying to eat an awful meal, made him reluctant to go in. He didn't know if Ornstein simply was a terrible chef or if this was some form of self punishment, so the small Undead decided to move on.

The next day they continued their training. This time Tempest managed to hold the stance the desired time, so that Ornstein was satisfied with moving on to the next step. Which consisted in drillling every possible way a sword could be swung into Tempest's head. And the dragon slayer was a strict one, Tempest couldn't count how many times he had to repeat a certain strike until Ornstein was finally satisfied. Like the day before, they only stopped after the day had switched to the night.

This evening Tempest peaked into the kitchen again, seeing Ornstein eating a dish that made his nose turn up. This continued for several days until Tempest was sure about one thing.

This wasn't some kind of self-punishment, Ornstein simply was a terrible cook and his growing reluctance to eat day after day surely showed that he didn't enjoy his meals. In Tempest a plan took shape.

The small Undead had snuck into the kitchen before the dragon slayer would get up and rummaged around in the supplies. To his surprise, he saw that there were plenty. There were so much ingredients, he never had seen so many at home. Tempest gathered everything he needed and got ready to prepare them, cutting up vegetables and meat, getting spices ready that were neatly stacked on a rack. He quickly put the one labeled with bone dust away though, putting it far behind the others, so that he never would accidentally grab it.

Tempest fired up the oven with his pyromancy and intended to put a pot on it, but he was too small to actually reach it. Looking around, Tempest spooted a footstool in the corner and put it in front of the oven, stepping on it, getting the pot ready and starting to cook the stew with the prepared ingredients. Even though Tempest himself didn't taste a lot anymore, his sense of smell was still excellent and so he should be able to dish out something nice. At least it would taste better than whatever it was that Ornstein had been cooking. Soon, the kitchen was filled with a nice smell. After the stew was done, Tempest covered the pot with a lid to keep it warm and waited.

Soon enough, the dragon slayer entered the kitchen, hair neatly tied back into a ponytail, but not in his iconic armour yet, instead, in that simple linen clothes he usually wore underneath. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Tempest leaning against the wall. “What the...?”

“Surprise.”, Tempest blurted out, removing the lid of the stew and filling up a plate with it. “You have never asked me, but I am quite a decent chef. I thought I should thank you for training me with a little meal.”

The brows of the dragon slayer furrowed, but then his gaze softened. Tempest put the plate on the table, placed a spoon in it and retreated to the wall again. Ornstein came over to take a look. He sat down, stared into the stew for a few minutes and then put the spoon up to have a taste of it. Tempest vibrated with excitement.

“That tastes... nice.”, Ornstein said. “Not as good at Smough's, but... it's warm.”

Tempest was satisfied. That felt like the most of a compliment he could get out of the dragon slayer's mouth.

“I am going to the training grounds and wait there for you.”, Tempest said, standing up from leaning against the wall and approaching the kitchen door. When he was almost through it, he heard the dragon slayer say: “Wait...”

Tempest turned around. “Yes?”

“Would you cook again..? Not.. not because I like it very much or so, but... it is still better than mine, so...”

A big grin flashed over Tempest's face. “Of course.”, he said.

(Author's note: Time for Tsundere Ornstein. Also, I want to thank Sekiro for teaching me how sword fights are looking like! Thank you, Sekiro!) Next chapter: https://mrslittletall.tumblr.com/post/185270390139/title-a-storm-is-coming-chapter-9-fandom-dark

[whenimgoodandready]

What is this? Who is that in that picture? And what is “Miraculous Ladybug”? (researches through my Tumblr blog archives) Well, apparently I’m a young woman who has a social media blog that writes these reviews (and rebloging interesting posts for other things) for a French children’s animated show and points things out along with expressing my opinion on each episode! Okay, I don’t remember watching this episode, but I’ll see it again and go through the rest of my reviews to help refresh my memories (rewatches “Oblivio” again, reads through the previous reviews and checks out the shows wiki), Okay, so here’s what I discovered:

*Oblivio-So I found the English dub of this episode and get this, this Ladybug and Cat Noir are costumed superheroes who wake up in an elevator with no memory of who one another is or what had happened before and they detransform as teenagers in front of each other! Ladybug is this clumsy French-Chinese baker girl named Marinette Dupain-Cheng and Cat Noir is this sheltered rich male model guy named Adrien Agreste and not only do they have amnesia, but their Kwamies, which are these “bugmice/genies”, have amnesia too! I read that this wasn’t the first time they had a “reveal”, but the last one had their eyes closed for an owl villain named “Dark Owl” (and he was their principal?). Marinette looks really cute and Adrien looks adorable as well.

They get out of the elevator and after going through their bags and pockets discover their identities and realize they need to stay away from this supervillain (that person in the picture) named Oblivio who can erase people’s memories and is the one responsible for all this. Marinette and Adrien try to call their parents for help, but Adriens father, a fashion designer named Gabriel, isn’t answering and to my horror, it was cuz he’s the major supervillain, Hawk Moth, who creates these supervillains to get Ladybug and Cat Noirs miraculouses (those magic earrings/ring respectively) and give him God-like powers! And his son doesn’t know about it along with him not knowing he’s a superhero! Shocking! Marinette, however, gets in contact with her mom and she lets her know about Ladybug and Cat Noir which makes her realize they need to keep their alter egos a secret and fight Oblivio. Problem? They don’t know how to transform and use their powers! Womp! Womp! Womp! Despite that, they pretty much handle everything with quick thinking and analysis. Hmm, smart kids!

One of the Kwamies, the black cat looking one, Plagg, is a lazy and stinky camembert cheese obsessed fellow who was all, “Screw this I’m outta here” and leaves the kids and the other Kwamie, the cute ladybug looking one, Tikki, to fend for themselves. What a selfish little........thing. Oblivio almost catches the gang, but Marinette uses a skill that was almost like Ladybugs power, “Lady-vision”, and they send Oblivio away. Lol! What a dumb villain.

Marinette and Adrien believe they’re a couple from one another’s pictures on their phones and I read that there’s this “love square” where it’s just the two of them along with their alter egos and here’s how it goes: Adrienette:one sided secret crush on Marinettes side, Ladynoir:one sided open crush on Cat Noirs side, Marichat:strictly platonic and Ladrien:mutual secret crush. Oh God! This is so frustrating! Everyone’s stressing out about it from the comments I read! And the two don’t even know about their own secret identities out of safety reasons! This is Season 3 and they still haven’t figured it out yet! What!? How do they keep this show going!? Is this what’s keeping the ratings up!? I also found out I’m all for Adrienette cuz, they can’t be superheroes forever! It was cute however that they got to fall in love with each other all over again ღ. They’re such a cute couple. I see that they’re very parallel with each other too. Are these two written in stone!? “Marinette Dupain-Cheng and Adrien Agreste, Forever”!? Cuz they’re like, two halves of a whole fated couple!

Marinette researches through her phone (like how I’m trying to remember with all this) and finds a video depicting what occurred before the elevator incident and sees that as Ladybug, she drew a picture of a phone and a turtle next to it as a reminder, so she goes through her contacts and finds a turtle pic with the name Fu, Master Fu. He’s this hundred year old Chinese man who’s this “guardian” of the Miracule Box and is the one who gave Marinette and Adrien their miraculouses when Hawk Moth first showed up. He lets them know about who they are and how to use their powers, so Tikki transforms Marinette into Ladybug while sadly, Adrien is stuck without Plagg :(.

Later, Plagg comes back after a guilt trip of “psychological harassment” from seeing Adriens posters all over Paris (Lol! They’re literally signs) and transforms him as Cat Noir. As they battle Oblivio with their enhanced flexibilities and reflex’s that they forgot how to use, so they just do the dodge and shield moves. Ladybug reads through her instructional manual on her yo-yo weapon that pretty much does everything (like Cat Noirs baton) and finds out she has to destroy the weapon the supervillain has and purify the hakuna matata akuma that transformed them into a supervillain. Huh, who knew butterflies could be evil? Not to mention it’s Season 3 and Hawk Moth still hasn’t defeated them yet! He did come close, too close, but thanks to Ladybugs “good luck” power, they always come out victorious! However, he finds out that they’re “love” for each other could be their downfall! Don! Don! Don! You know, from what I saw in my research, they’re love is mostly what gets them in trouble, this is gonna be a toughie for young hormonal teenage superheroes.

Oblivio is defeated and it turns out, they were Marinette and Adriens best friends, Alya and Nino, respectively. Alya is an aspiring journalist who blogs more about Ladybug than I do and is a fox superhero named Rena Rouge and Nino is a hip hop cultured D.J who’s Alyas boyfriend and also a turtle superhero named Carapace (wait, there are two turtles?), except they know their identities compared to the other two heroes. They got akumatized cuz they snuck off during a field trip to play a babyish app game on their tablet and they got caught and humiliated and due to that negative emotion, Hawk Moth targeted them and turned them into Oblivio to make people forget their incident and spread villainy. Before the final clean up with the Miraculous Ladybug power that fixes up all the damages that have been done, Ladynoir shares a kiss and then, BOOM! Instant mind erase! They go back to their old feelings for each other. Marinette was embarrassed that she kissed Cat, but hey! It’s not like it was the first time from what I discovered *cough*”DarkCupid”*cough* whereas Adrien was thrilled, but sadly forgot about it again! Lol, sorry kid.

Looking back on my reviews, I changed it throughout the years. Starting 2015, I wrote these reviews by using those Ladybug emojis as the frames and by the second season, I used bigger ladybug pics as frames and then in this season, I used these prettier ladybugs and added in pictures! The more I researched this show, the more I grew to love it! It has all my favorite things:Paris, France, cats, cute characters, bright colors, nice music, comedy, adventure and interesting plot lines that gets darker the more I watch it! I even found out I collect their action dolls and play with them on my Eiffel Tower lamp. There’s even a web series and movie of this show and I wanna see all of it! I even wrote a mini fanfic about this episode plot and it was really funny. It was practically the first 30 seconds of this episode! Wow! I really am a writer! I also found out I met some new friends on here that love the show too and we discuss our thoughts and feelings of it like this one blogger @vulpineveritas whom I first show these reviews before the public as feedback. She’s real nice and you know what? I-(the Miraculous Ladybug power takes effect and restores my memories) Whoa! What happened!? (looks through my amnesiac written review) Aw man! Now I have to rewrite this whole review with my up-to-date mind set! :P.

[thing-you-do-with-that-thing]

An Ackles Family Christmas - Part 6: Date Night

Pairing: Jenneel

Prompt of the Day: Ice Skating

Square Filled: Girl Power for @spnfluffbingo

Warnings: Implied smut. Jared being Jared.    

Word Count: 1100ish

A/N: This is done for mine and Ida’s @like-a-bag-of-potatoes 12 supernatural days of Christmas challenge.

This is gonna be a little series of my version of Jensen and Danneel’s 2018 Christmas. Some of the chapters will be short one-shots while others drabbles. It’s gonna be angst-free. It’s mostly gonna be fluff with maybe some implied smut along the way.   

I am behind cause tumblr turned me explicit but back to posting one a day. 

Betaed by: @jerkbitchidjitassbut - thanks for your help dear!

An Ackles Family Christmas Masterlist

***My fics are not to be saved nor posted on any other sites without my express written permission.***

Jensen was all smiles as they walked down the driveway from Deb and Ed’s house. Danneel’s hand found his and Jensen kissed her cheek before opening the car door for her. It had been her planning the date night, calling her parents to arrange a sleepover for the kids, so naturally, she was the one driving as well. That didn’t mean Jensen had to give up his habit of opening doors for her though.

She giggled, shaking her head but pecked his lips before getting behind the wheel, patiently waiting for Jensen to take his place next to her. She blushed as she felt his eyes on her as she drove towards their favorite restaurant. They had been married for eight years and together for thirteen, and she still had that effect on her. He still made her feel like she was the most beautiful woman he had seen and as if she was the only woman in the world for him.  

“Jensen. I’m driving,” she playfully scolded, making him laugh.

“I’m just sitting here woman,” he gave back.

“You’re staring!” She glared at him as she stopped for a red light and Jensen instantly winked at her and her cheeks flushed even brighter.

“Jensen!” Danneel whined, making him do a full body laugh before holding up his hands in surrender.

“Alright. Sorry,” he chuckled, turning towards his window, “you look amazing though.”

His words made a smile appear on her face. A smile that didn’t leave as they reached the restaurant or as they ate together. Chatting of everything big and small that entered their mind. It was always so easy being with Jensen. He was her best friend. That’s who he was and always would be before anything else. He was also her lover, her husband, her partner and the father of her children, but first and foremost he was her best friend.

He listened to her and had her back no matter what. He believed in her and cheered her on. Just like she was the same for him. Their friendship was as strong if not stronger than it had always been and it was the reason Danneel knew Jensen would be at her side for the rest of their lives.

She felt happy and in love, as she led him towards the skating rink later that night and Jensen chuckled giving her hand a squeeze as he realized where she was taking him.

“Who's the sappy one now DeeDee?” he teased and Danneel poked her tongue out at him.

“Not sappy Jay. Romantic. There’s a difference,” she insisted, making Jensen chuckle and kiss her cheek as she handed him the skates.

“If you say so, honey.”

Danneel lost track of time as she skated around the rink with Jensen. His hand only left hers to rest on her hips as the kissed in one of the darkly lit corners before returning to their activity again. They laughed and stumbled into each other a few times in effort to avoid the other guest. Danneel felt like a teenager in love as they returned to the car. She smiled up at him, kissing him tenderly as they reached the vehicle before handing him the keys.

“You drive I’m tired,” she insisted and Jensen quickly opened the side door for her, making her smile and shake her head at him. She secretly loved how he always did that though. It was a sweet way of showing her how important she was too him. Just like his hand often rested on the small of her back as they walked into a room or how he had always shielded her body with his walking where there were too many paparazzi. He had never once in their years together made her doubt how deeply he cared about her.

Nor had he ever made her forgot how attracted he was to her which he reminded her off once more as they tumbled through the front door, kissing and pulling at each other’s clothes. Danneel wasn’t sure how they ended up at the couch, but that was where she found herself minutes later with her shirt open and pants disregarded on the floor along with Jensen’s pants and shirt.

His hands and kisses felt so warm and familiar, yet somehow always new and exciting. Maybe it was because they didn’t fall asleep together every night or maybe their love was just that strong, but Danneel knew there was no way she would ever get enough of feeling his affections like this.

Which was the reason Danneel was endlessly frustrated when Jensen’s phone rang from the floor. Her skin was flushed and she was heaving for breath as Jensen groaned, peeking down from the couch onto the floor.

“For fuck’s sake. Jared,” he grumbled and now it was Danneel’s time to groan in frustration.

“Just answer it. He’s not gonna stop until you do,” she sighed and Jensen groaned again knowing she was right. He grabbed the phone pushing himself into a seated position between Danneel’s legs.

“Jared. Unless your house is on fire buddy I’m hanging up on you. I’m about to have sex,” he grinned down at his wife. Danneel flushed even brighter red than she already was from his touch and kisses. She didn’t get to scold him though before Jensen’s next words turned her irritation towards his best friend rather than her husband.

“What the hell do you mean with who, you moron?! Dee of course,” Jensen grumbled into the phone, seconds before Danneel sat up pulling the phone from his hand and speaking into it.

“Jared Tristan Padalecki, I’m gonna kick your ass the next time I see you but for now go annoy someone else,” Danneel hissed into the phone, hanging up and tossing it back onto the floor.

“Wait where are you going?” Jensen all but whined as Danneel got off the couch escaping his hold. “I’m sorry. He is just being an idiot. I…” he started but was interrupted by her shirt hitting the door. His jaw hanging open as Danneel turned around at the foot of the stairs, letting her bra fall to the floor revealing her chest to him.

“To bed and far away from that phone of yours. You coming?” she spoke in a sultry voice, before squealing and running up the stairs as Jensen jumped from the couch with a needy groan in pursuit of her.

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Padackles Tag Team (Jenneel and Jarevieve)

@mrspadalackles @roxyspearing @blacktithe7 @atc74 @mogaruke @crushing83 @theoriginalvick @jensen-gal @mysterious-398 @ericaprice2008 @adriellej @ashleydivine @percywinchester27 @becs-bunker @queen-of-deans-booty @deanxfuckingadorablexwinchester @smoothdogsgirl @ryantherandomhero @sillesworldofwriting @docharleythegeekqueen @mysupernaturalfics @evansrogerskitten @mrswhozeewhatsis @carryonmyswansong-archive @thelittleredwhocould @super100012 @opeeta @cassieraider @lonelygoldheart @jayankles @ambermei @grace-for-sale @speakinvain @plaid-lover-bay25 @jessyackles @sea040561 @petra-arkanian-1497 @serienjunkiegirl @unicornblood4ever

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[sockablock]

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Chapter 7: Whispers of Cold Weather

Nott just had enough time to process a few key details of their new surroundings—elegant paneled walls, low ceilings, another long hallway—before she felt Fjord scoop her up under the armpits like a cat and whisk her away to somewhere around the corner.

“What the fuck?” she hissed, but was immediately shushed by the rest of the group. They were all clustered closely together, pressed flush against the wall as if trying to hide in plain sight. Most of them now wore simple linen shirts, though Beau and Yasha had acquired some sort of basic chain mail.

“Where are we?” Nott whispered. “What are these clothes? What’s going on?”

“Shhhh,” Yasha said softly, and then pointed to the corridor where Nott had been standing. “Be quiet. Do you hear that?”

She brushed her shoulders off indignantly, then turned around and, indeed, her ears twitched and picked up a sound just on the edge of hearing.

It was a bit higher than it should’ve been, and the accent was heavier than she was used to, but that voice:

“—no, no, more like…something I feel. Not, not that I have actually noticed.”

“Something you feel?”

That had been a young woman. Her tone was light, and mildly puzzled.

“So, you do not have actual proof that things are wrong?”

A different man now, words deeper but clumsy, as if he wasn’t quite used to his own register.

“No, Wulf, I do not,” the first voice sighed. “But you believe me, ja? It is…I just cannot begin to describe it properly. But I know that something peculiar is going on. And I know that I have felt this way before.”

“I understand,” said the man’s voice, “but I do not think Master Ikithon will believe you.”

“He would not listen to something so vague,” the woman added. “You would do better if you had real evidence.”

“Ja, ja, I know,” Caleb mumbled, and then there was a rustling, sound, like somebody was standing up. “I think I will still try, and even if the Master Ikithon does not listen, just…keep your eyes open, please? I do not want you getting hurt.”

Eodwulf laughed. “Hurt? Please, Caleb, why would we be hurt?”

Footsteps, approaching the door. The Mighty Nein immediately pulled back around their corner and flattened themselves against the wall as best as they could. On her left, Nott saw Caduceus suddenly vanish from view, and rolled her eyes.

Back in the main hallway, a door opened and a young Caleb half-emerged. “I do not know,” he was saying. “It is just…like I said, a strange feeling. I am not so sure why or how I feel it.”

“Perhaps you are just tired from today’s training!” Astrid’s voice called. “You always were a weak one, Caleb!”

Her words, though harsh, held no trace of malice. Caleb even laughed, and stuck his tongue out. “It takes quite a lot of concentration to channel elemental magic! You would know that, if you were any good.”

There were giggles from the other room, and then Eodwulf’s voice rang out as well. “Come now, come now, let us make peace! What would the Empire do if their most talented mages began warring with one another?”

“I don’t know,” Astrid snorted. “What would it do?”

“It would call our teacher to knock us all over the head,” Caleb grinned. “Now good night, you two. It is almost ten, we should return to our rooms now.”

“Isn’t it freaky how he always knows the time?” Eodwulf asked. There was more rustling, as he stood as well.

“Quite,” Astrid agreed, “but yes, the freaky one is right. Good night, boys.”

Eodwulf appeared in the doorway, and threw an arm around Caleb’s shoulders. “Schlaf gut, Astrid!” Then he grimaced. “And enjoy the night while it lasts, too. Tomorrow is more concentration training.”

Caleb groaned. “Gods, you would think we’d have moved on by now, ja? I had a gottsverdamnt knife in my arm today, and I was completely fine!”

Astrid giggled. “You weren’t completely fine, you nearly set me on fire! I was almost as upset as Master Trent.”

“Hey, at least you two didn’t break concentration!” Eodwulf countered. “He is going to have my ass tomorrow, I just know it.”

Caleb gave him a pat on the back. “But think of how good you’ll get,” he said kindly. “A year from now, we’ll laugh at how we could barely shrug off an old man and his tiny blades.”

“Do not let him hear you say that,” Eodwulf chuckled. “I happen to be appropriately terrified of him.”

“Agreed!” Astrid called. “Now go away! I need to get some rest.”

“Ja, ja, we are going!”

“Good night!”

Caleb and Eodwulf began heading down the hall, towards where the Nein were hiding. As their footsteps approached, the group looked around in panic, Nott began searching for another door to hide behind and Fjord rummaged through his pockets; Beau had already given up and Yasha was just standing as still as possible with her eyes closed. Any second now, the boys would round the corner and see this motley crew right in front of them, and that could trigger anything from annoying questions, to another fight, to another session of let’s-see-how-much-Caleb-hates-us-today, and then—

—and then suddenly, it was morning. The sounds of footsteps vanished. Light streamed in from open windows, washed over the corridor and settled against the carpeted floors. They could hear, from somewhere faintly off in the distance, the sound of birds chirping.

“What the shit?!”

Beau had thrown her hands up into the air, and spun in an angry, confused circle.

“Yeah,” Fjord murmured, “I feel that way too, but could you please keep it down? Just in case.”

Beau shot him a glare, and lowered her voice begrudgingly. “Sure, yeah, fine.”

“What just happened?” Nott asked. “Was that…it was just night-time a second ago, right?”

“It sure was,” Caduceus nodded.

“Jester?” Fjord tried, turning towards her. “Wanna take a guess at what just—”

And then they were all standing outside.

Sunlight filtered in through the thick canopy of autumn forest above them. The ground below was hidden, covered completely by brilliant orange and scarlet leaves, hints of gold and brown scattered about. To their left was a slow-running stream, and the air around them, though still comfortable, held the waiting whispers of cold weather on its way.

Their clothing had changed again as well—now they were all dressed in the simple leathers and furs of hunters, or battle-ready travelers.

And after their initial moment of shock, Beau sat down on the forest floor and put her head in her hands.

“I’m done,” she said. “This is stupid.”

Fjord pinched the bridge of his nose. “Jester? Please tell me this is normal.”

“Ehmm…”

“Dangit, Jes.”

She pouted. “I’m sorry, alright?! I’m not an expert at this stuff! I just brought us here. I don’t know about every single thing that’s going on.”

Fjord held his palms up apologetically. “Sorry, sorry,” he said. “I know, I didn’t expect you to know, I…sorry.”

She waved a hand, gave him a weary smile. “Don’t worry about it.”

He nodded, then spoke again. “Is this place…wherever we are, do we think it’s safe?”

Caduceus took point. He looked around, tilted his head slowly, and examined the area around them.

“Seems alright,” he said. “The wildlife sounds at peace, there aren’t any disturbances nearby.”

Nott leaned back. “I will never understand how you can just do that,” she said. “Is this how you live your life always?”

He shrugged. “It’s a knack.”

“Okay, okay,” Fjord said, re-focusing the conversation, “if we’ve got a minute, then I think we really should all just…just sit down and regroup. See if we can figure out what the hell is going on now.”

“That would help,” Yasha said quietly. “I was missing for some of the last dream, I think.”

“Oh, shit, yeah,” Beau said, eyes widening. “I totally forgot, are you…good?”

Yasha shrugged. “It was quiet. I was asleep.”

Jester and Fjord looked like they wanted to say more, but at her continued silence, they gave up. All of them sat down.

“We’re still in Caleb’s brain,” Jester volunteered. “Just now, we heard him talking to his friends, and then the world changed and then the world changed again.”

“Who were those people?” Caduceus asked. “Do we know them?”

Beau and Nott exchanged glances. Nott went.

“They’re his old school friends,” she supplied. “Um…the girl is the one that we met earlier, Astrid. And the other one, well, Caleb didn’t really talk about him much to us, but his name is Eodwulf. They’re all from the same town.”

“We think Caleb had a crush on Astrid,” Jester added. “He said her name when we were dancing, once.”

“Do you think they’ll try and get in the way if we run after Caleb?” Fjord asked. “Like…like that other guy did, and anyways, who was that?”

“He looked familiar,” Yasha nodded. “I feel as though I have met him before.”

Beau’s eyes narrowed. “That was Trent. Ikithon, or whatever. We met ‘im at the Victory Pit, remember? He was Caleb’s old teacher.”

“He’s a teacher?” Jester exclaimed. “But…but did you hear the, the part where Caleb said the thing about knives and stabbing? Was anybody else bothered by that? And by how…weirdly okay with it he sounded?”

“No, I heard it,” Nott answered. “It was super-duper bothering.”

“I did not think it was so odd,” Yasha shrugged, and they all took a second to just stare at her incredulously.

“One day we’re going to talk about what you just said,” Beau sighed eventually. “But today is probably not that day.”

“Scary insights into Yasha’s past aside,” Fjord nodded, “I’m more worried about why the world changed so suddenly, right after. We had way more time to run around in the last two dreams. This time, we didn’t even get a chance to see Caleb.”

“That was probably good though, right?” Caduceus asked. “Otherwise he might’ve seen us, and been upset at us again.”

“But if things change too fast for us to adjust, it could make our jobs harder,” Nott countered. “What if we can’t find him?”

“Mmm, I’m not sure if that’ll be a problem,” Jester said. “Remember, these dreams all center around Caleb. I’m sure he’s around here somewhere.”

“Do you think he realizes how strangely the world is acting?” Yasha asked. “How there were…you know, holes in the sky and people suddenly appearing and disappearing and how time and, time and space make no sense?”

“Maybe?” Jester tried. “But sometimes in my dreams, weird things happen all the time, and I don’t even notice until I wake up.”

“So you’re saying that he could think that this is all ordinary,” Fjord supplied.

“Exactly.”

He rubbed the sides of his head. “That’ll make things harder, especially if we keep trying the ‘make him realize there’s something wrong’ tactic.”

“He also sort of hates us,” Beau added. “Which might make him less inclined to listen.”

“Yeah,” Nott chimed in, “but that’s only because you keep punching all the important people in his life.”

“Hey, fuck you! They were being dicks.”

“They were kind of spooky,” Jester said. “And one of them was going to torture Yasha.”

“Thank you for punching that one, by the way,” Yasha nodded to Beau. “It was a…a very good punching.”

“Anytime.”

“So...” Fjord said, ignoring that exchange, “this means we’re back at square one.”

“I don’t think we ever left,” Nott mumbled.

“Gods,” Beau sighed, and flopped down onto her back. “Does this mean we’re gonna force him into the bad memories to wake him up, now?”

“I know it sucks,” Fjord said softly, “but it’s all we’ve got.”

“It is good to confront your past,” Caduceus added, “The first step to overcoming your demons, is to face them.”

“Yeah, fine,” Beau grumbled, “but these aren’t my demons. They’re his.”

“So maybe we should overcome his demons for him,” Caduceus suggested.

The wind blew though the leaves and gently ruffled their hair as they all considered this for a moment.

Beau raised a finger. “Are…are you suggesting that we should resolve his internal brain fuckery?” she asked.

“Maybe,” Caduceus shrugged. “It was just an idea. I mean, my dreams are usually guiding me towards something. And so far, we’ve just been moving through Caleb’s memories in chronological order. Maybe he’s being guided towards something…something important in his past? Are there any, I don’t know, any big milestones in the Caleb Story?”

Beau snorted so hard she almost choked. As she took a few seconds to recover, Nott jumped in. “There are,” she said. “Some pretty important ones. But, uh…like we said before, those are the ones that we should really try to avoid.”

“But…” Fjord said slowly, “but what if we didn’t avoid them? But instead of usin’ them to scare or shock Caleb awake, we help him get through ‘em, and earn his trust? Then maybe he’d just listen to us, and we could tell him to come back home.”

“That seems…a little manipulative,” Nott said hesitantly.

“And it would mean he’d still have to get hurt,” Jester protested. “He would still have to face that moment.”

“Right,” Fjord agreed, “but we’d have his back. We’d help him get through it, whatever it is, to let him get better, and at the same time give us a window to convince him outta here.”

“It might also just end the dream at that,” Caduceus said. “If Caleb feels like his work in the mental world is done, then maybe he’d be willing to come back to ours.”

Beau rubbed her chin. “I…uh…I do kind of like the idea of being able to punch Caleb’s brain problems away,” she said slowly.

Yasha nodded. “I do not…entirely follow what is happening,” she admitted, “but I agree with doing something to help him.”

“As long as we’re really helping,” Jester said sternly. “Really and actually helping.”

“And as long as it doesn’t get too bad,” Nott added.

“I don’t think I can guarantee that,” Fjord said weakly, “but I mean…it might be the best option?”

There was a pause, and then a chorus of semi-reluctant agreement.

Beau scratched her elbow, and sighed. “Then the question is how to force him to dream about the shitty stuff. And how we’re supposed to get close enough to help him since, right, since Caleb hates us for some reason that is completely unrelated to my fists.”

“And speaking of that,” Caduceus said, “for, uh, for those of us who don’t really know Caleb’s history, could we maybe go over what we might be expecting? And, uh…how bad it might be?”

Beau and Nott exchanged glances.

“You wanna do it?” Beau asked. “You know him best.”

Nott grimaced, and turned towards the others. “It’s…uh…it’s a long story,” she said. “And sort of complicated, and it kind of ties into the whole ‘crazy stabbing teacher’ thing from before.”

“It’s probably a violation of privacy,” Fjord sighed, “but I think we might need to hear it all.”

She nodded. “You probably do. Okay, so, it started at the Academy, where he and two other kids got picked by Ikithon to be private students…”

•

“It is amazing that we were even allowed to come out today,” Caleb murmured as they hiked around a fallen log. “I thought for sure that Master Ikithon would tell me I was being ridiculous.”

“He probably figured that you would be useless in lessons if you were so distracted,” Eodwulf quipped, and kicked a pebble across the fallen leaves.

“Thank the gods we’re here instead then,” Astrid laughed. “Otherwise I think I’d get singed again, today.”

“How many times must I apologize to you?” Caleb groaned. “I said that I was sorry, and I promised I’d never do it again, ja?”

“Ja, but it is so fun to tease you.”

Caleb made a face at her, and then tripped over an exposed tree root. Both of his friends considered leaving him there to spit the dirt out by himself, but after a few seconds, Eodwulf grinned and reached out a hand, helping Caleb to his feet. “What happened to the boy that used to run around through the woods?” he asked jokingly. “Have you always been so clumsy?”

“I’ve spent too long in my ivory tower,” Caleb snorted, and brushed his trousers off. “I think it suits me better, anyways. There are no books in these forests.”

“No books,” Astrid agreed, “but I think there might be something else. Do you hear that?”

Both boys quieted down and listened carefully.

“I don’t hear anything,” Caleb whispered. “What—”

“Shhhh!” Eodwulf shot back. “Ja, I do!”

Astrid’s nodded slowly. “There are voices, Caleb. Coming from…the west, I think. There are people in the woods!”

His eyes went wide. But not from fear, or surprise, or shock.

“Do you think they have anything to do with the strange feeling I’ve been having?” he asked, voice rising with excitement. “Do you think they know anything?”

Astrid nodded. “I bet so. And even if they do not, I am sure Master Ikithon would love to meet these trespassers.”

“Thank the gods for that too,” Eodwulf sighed. “We might get a break from concentration training, if we bring them back.”

“In that case, what are we waiting for?” Astrid whispered. “Let’s get them! Same bet as always? Whoever takes out the least has to pay for drinks?”

“Oh, you’re on,” Caleb grinned. “I hope you’ve been saving up, because there is no way I will lose this time. Wulf, are you—”

He turned to his left, just in time to see Eodwulf waggle his fingers cheekily and vanish from view.

“Keep up, losers!” came the disembodied retort. “I plan on getting wasted.”

“Oh, I’ll waste you alright,” Astrid laughed, “Just you wait!”

Caleb shoved a fist into his pocket and yanked out a handful of licorice shavings. “You’ll have to keep up with me!” he declared. “See you all when I’ve won!”

And then he threw the shavings up into the air, muttered a few words, and bolted in a flash of red and brown.

•

“…but it wasn’t his fault,” Beau finished. There was a hard edge to her tone, of a profound and icy anger. “It wasn’t.”

“Caleb just doesn’t believe that,” Nott murmured. “He thinks it was all on him.”

The rest of the group sat there in silence, trying to process what they had just heard. Fjord stared at the backs of his hands, and Caduceus looked somewhere off into the distance. Jester turned her gaze distractedly to a crumpled maple leaf on the ground. Yasha picked a feather off her shawl, and sighed.

“I would not have guessed,” she said eventually, shattering the pensive quiet. “Not ever.”

“It explains a lot,” Fjord agreed slowly. “His whole thing with…fire, and all that.”

“And why he’s…like how he is,” Caduceus added.

Jester bit her lip. She looked up, and there were tears in her eyes. “But I can’t…I can’t even imagine something so…terrible,” she whispered.

“He didn’t do it,” Nott reminded them immediately. “I mean, he did do it, but he was brainwashed!”

“Yeah,” Fjord said gently, “yeah, I gotcha.”

Jester sniffled. “I know, I know, it’s just…if I knew that all those things had happened, I never would have made fun of him for being so stinky that first time. And I never would have talked about fireballs so much, and I never would have bragged about how rich my momma was, or how much she loved me, or—”

Beau reached out, and wordlessly put her arm around Jester.

“Damn,” said Fjord. “Just…fuck.”

“That’s why we were so worried about what might happen in the dreams,” Nott said. “That’s the thing we didn’t want him to have to go through.”

“We can’t make him live through that again!” Jester said. “No way.”

“But…we would not be,” Yasha reminded her. “If this goes right, then we would be saving his parents, just in time.”

“It’s just…it’s a little more tricky now,” Fjord sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I thought it was…I dunno, I thought we’d have to prevent a buildin’ from burning down, or something. But if y’all are right, then it’s not just about stopping a disaster, it’s also about stoppin’ Caleb. He wanted to…to do what he did. If we interfere, then things could get nasty.”

“I could try healing him,” Jester volunteered. “I could try getting rid of that memory, or something.”

“But the cleric who fixed him in the real world got hit with some kinda nasty spell backlash,” Beau said. “I don’t want that happenin’ to you.”

“So what, then?” Jester asked. “How are we supposed to convince him that his parents are innocent?”

“I’m also a cleric,” Caduceus rumbled. “If you get hurt, I could heal you.”

Jester blinked, and so did the rest of the group. They took a moment to consider this proposal and weigh their other options.

And in that moment, as they did, the entire world went blinding white. An explosion of flame detonated right in the center of their little circle, sending charred earth and burning leaves and clouds of ash careening through the air.

“If you are all going to stand so close together, you will make my job all too easy!”

A sixteen-year-old-boy stood at the edge of the clearing, atop a large boulder. His bright red hair had been swept back by impact of the blast, and long brown coat fluttered in the breeze. His eyes were blue, and sparkled with delight.

“Hallo!” He called cheerfully. Then he smeared something dark across his palm, raised his hands, and called forth another blast of raging fire.  

[koderenn]

Summary:  A severed Force bond cuts deep into their healing past, as Ben and Rey struggle to redefine themselves and what they mean to each other. But with a schism running down the New Republic and the remnants of the First order in hiding, time is of the essence and broken hearts only get in the way 

Rey wiped the tears running down her face with the back of her hand, stomping down the corridor as fast as her long legs would take her. She was absolutely livid and had to get away. Away from him and his cruel harsh words. The comfort of their bond had been able to ebb the sting of his barbed edges in the past.

But not today.

And probably not ever again.

She turned a corner outside the ship’s hangar bay, bumping straight into Chewbacca’s massive form. He looked down at her, whining his concern, and all she could do was burry her face in his thick fur clinging onto his tangled strands. Rey wanted to scream and sob and kick in rage. She wanted to stalk back to the cell and pound at that man’s heartless chest. Bring him to his knees and make him hurt. Make him feel as stupid and worthless as she felt right now. But it would be in vain. Because nothing would bring their bond back.

Fear gripped her heart at the thought that everything she had sensed from him, all the warmth and affection that flowed openly through their bond these past few months, was nothing more than a fabrication. A deformed mirror bouncing twisted half-truths of their feelings. And now that the veil had dropped and they could at last see each other in the naked light for what they truly were… Maybe he would finally see that the girl he had once claimed to love was, in fact, just a meaningless scavenger from a forgotten useless planet buried in the folded corners of the galaxy.

A nobody.

Chewbacca patted her head in affection, wrapping his arms around her in comfort. It must have taken her a few moments to gather her broken pieces, finally mustering the courage to look up at the wookie’s soft eyes. He cocked his head, grunting a suggestion. Rey let out a short chuckle, drowned by her tears. She couldn’t agree with him more.

“Just let him be. Leia’s with him right now,” she mumbled.

Another whine and a threatening shake of his hand.

“No. I think she can handle him better than us.” Rey sniffed, rubbing her eyes with the heel of her palms. She couldn’t imagine how she’d make it, knowing that Ben was so close now but the farthest he had ever been. “I’m sorry about your fur,” she went on wiping at his wet strands in guilt, but Chewbacca just waved dismissively.

“I’m just going to head to my room. I’m so tired,” she informed him. She needed space and that was the last thing available now, since she had to share them with Finn, Rose and, unfortunately, Poe. The Prometheus’s overcrowded rooms making sleeping arrangements difficult for all.

Chewbacca lifted his arm gesturing vividly with a series of new whines.

“You can have the Falcon for yourself, but thanks for the invitation. If I have trouble sleeping I’ll come over,” she answered back with a small smile. Another heavy pat on her head told her she was welcomed any time.

He cocked his head a couple of times before shuffling his way down the corridor towards the common room.

Rey tugged on her borrowed, black overcoat hanging off her shoulders and ran her hands down the thick fabric. She had been wearing it for two days straight. And three nights.  Ben’s lingering scent her constant companion while he slept recuperating from his mortal wounds. And she still couldn’t imagine taking it off.

Rey knew what that meant.

The image of his brown liquid eyes on a paling face, fleeted from her mind.

Now, she was the only one left with the memory of his bleeding body in her arms and his whispered words in her heart. And she regretted not saying them back when she had the chance.

Damn him…

She wiped her eyes again, inhaling deeply to compose her racing emotions.

Her hand brushed against a side pocket that seemed to be extremely warm for the ship’s low temperature. She grasped it, feeling a familiar heat radiating from it.  Putting her hand inside in curiosity, she pulled out a small black object and brought it to one of the lights overhead, studying it carefully.

Snoke’s black kyber crystal.

I completely forgot about it.

But it hadn’t. The stark gloomy stone had found its way back to her and was radiating its affinity to the shadows as if a Dark Force user was around.

It must be sensing Ben.

She concluded, fisting it and setting it back in her pocket without a second thought.

With a deep sigh, she ran her fingers down her braid, made sure her saber was in place and headed towards the rooms. She should have stopped by the common room to grab something to eat, but she felt a bone deep exhaustion and only wished she could manage to get a couple of hours of sleep between her restlessness.

Tomorrow would be another day. And she needed all the strength she could get to deal with what lay ahead. To deal with the fact that she was alone.

Once again.

*

 Ren had no idea how long he had remained crouched in his cell after his mother walked out. The numbing sensation on his limbs informed him that it must have been a while. But even though he was essentially free, he had no desire to leave. All that mattered to him was aboard this ship and even though he was aware that he couldn’t remain in the hands of the Resistance, he couldn’t find the power in him to escape.

Because Rey was here.

And his mother. As much as he hated to admit it.

He rubbed at his chest where the phantom pain of the bond still throbbed. Or perhaps where his own pain lay after seeing the hurt in Rey’s eyes. He got to his feet, wincing as he set his weight on his right leg and stiffly made his way to the doors. They swooshed open without obstruction allowing him entrance to a ship’s corridor. No guards were stationed outside. It seemed that what his mother had said was, in fact, true.

He was free to leave.

Ren stood there for a long moment, hesitating for the first time in his life which way to go. A sign in front of him pointed in the direction of the hangar bay. In the direction of escape and freedom. But there was a pull within him tugging him the opposite way. He opened himself to the Force letting the web of energy ignite his senses and allowing it to liberally flow inside him. He could feel the life forms in the ship. Could sense his mother’s and Rey’s sensitivity to the Force along with those of lesser value. He could even sense…

Ren’s eyes snapped open. His essence immediately getting sucked back in his body.

My crystal.

He sensed his cracked kyber crystal calling to him. Its crimson pain as cutting as ever in the Force.

He needed to find his crossguard.

Ren decided to follow its thread, treading carefully down the empty corridor. It wasn’t far. The corridor was quiet and apart from a quickly retreating technician who crossed paths with him, nobody else hindered his movements. Soft-spoken voices reached his ears as he was about to turn a corner and he instantly stilled. One of them was Rey’s. His breath caught as he silently took those last few steps towards the corner that hid him from view.

He was unprepared and anxious and had no clue what to say to Rey that could excuse his horrible behavior earlier in the cell. Apologies were never his strong suit and he was never particularly eloquent either. Even his best comments came out as borderline rude. And now that their bond no longer existed to help him get through to her, he had to depend solely on his fumbling words. Would those suffice to plead for her forgiveness? Would Rey still be able to see past the monster, and to the beating core of him, starving for her tender acceptance and dazzling light? Would it be enough?

Now that all that’s left is just me…

Ren bit the inside of his cheek in hesitation. His girl was standing next to Leia, who was leaning her weight on the pilot’s arm. Dameron gave his mother a smirk and she patted his hand affectionately before waving her goodbye to Rey and walking away. A slithering feeling started wrapping itself around his chest. Only Rey and the pilot remained in the middle of the corridor now, conversing in low voices in front of a simple door. Amusingly enough, that was also the place his crystal’s energy radiated from.

He decided to step out. Make his presence known and drive that smug pilot as far away from Rey as possible. But then Dameron set his hand on Rey’s waist. The doors slid open and he beckoned for her to enter the quarters.

Rey smiled softly to the pilot and stepped into the room with him. The door shut swiftly behind them.

Ren stood stricken, as if a lightning bolt had just hit him. Stopping the beat of his heart and numbing his limbs. His mind reeled over what his eyes had just seen. The implications behind that image too grave and overpowering. Threatening to bring him to his weakened knees.

It couldn’t be…

Rey would never…

Betray me.

The treacherous thought slipped through his barriers, before he could stop it, crushing and smashing everything in its wake. He found himself unable to breathe as time ceased and space threatened to crush him under its weight.

Ren stepped back, his very body responding with a foreigness to his will.  He took a rattling inhale through flared nostrils. His heart felt like it was disintegrating into a million particles. It was a devastating revelation. Agonizing. Revolting.

And absolutely unacceptable.

He swirled around, a whirlwind of emotions crackling from his fingertips and stormed away. Droids and unsuspecting personel were shoved roughly aside as the Dark side wrapped around his hands, pliant and obedient. Nothing could stand in his way.

I am Kylo Ren.

He seethed.

Vader’s blood runs through my veins.

He answered to no one. Belonged to only himself. And damn his treacherous heart and every other piece of himself he had reverently given away to that careless girl. Her blistering sun burned everything down to ash.

The corridor’s lights flickered overhead, struggling to remain lit in his sweeping Dark presence.

A couple of Resistance members turned a corner, walking in his direction deep in discussion. They lifted their eyes a couple of feet away from him and froze in their spot. The youngest of them, a blond girl with buns on the sides of her head let out a yelp of surprise and watched him approach in fear. Her companion, however, narrowed his eyes in recognition and set his hand on the hilt of his blaster.

Ren stalked up to them, wrenching their surface thoughts.

They had orders not to hurt him unless provoked.

“The hangar bay. Where is it?” He snarled.

The younger girl glanced up at her companion, before turning fearful eyes at him again. “In about twenty paces make a left and at the first corner you come across a right. You’ll see the main doors at the end of the corridor,” she informed him, pointing a slightly trembling hand in the direction he was meant to go.

Ren barely graced them with a nod, before resuming his thunderous pace down the corridor. He came across a few more members of the crew, who made sure to give him a wide berth and avoid eye contact with him. His hurried stride widened and he eventually broke into a heavy run.

He needed to leave. Now.

The smooth pale walls of the corridor opened into a larger area, where the imposing durasteel doors of the hangar bay resided. Ren stood before them, chest ignited by the effort and sweat dripping down his temples. This was it. There was no turning back now.

He punched the panel for the doors to open. A cavernous bay lay before him with rows of X-wings and A-wings on both sides. Some of them had overhead lights brightening their presence, as technicians scurried loudly about doing their work, while others were left in the shadows awaiting for their turn to be fixed and reassembled.  Scattered crates of all sizes and shapes were set haphazardly around the bay with their bellies open wide, and their contents of engine parts and tools in full display. And at the far end, illuminated by the bay’s large viewport and its swiveling blue colors of hyperspace, stood the Millenium Falcon. Battered and old and more trouble than she was worth. But untamed and legendary. Like his father.

Like the man he had once wanted to become.

Eyes fell on him gradually and the bay’s clanging sounds slowly died off.

Ren dared to take a few steps towards the ship before heavy footfall echoed off the metal walls. Chewbacca’s form came into view, stomping down the ramp and holding a tool box under his arm.

The wookie must have sensed him because he looked up, his ancient eyes boring onto him and feeling like a punch in the gut.

A frail forgotten part of him stirred.

“Chewie?”

*

 Leia decided to wear a second robe over the one she already had on, the temperature in her quarters feeling close to Hoth’s. It was late, well into the night cycle and she should have at least tried to get some sleep but the day’s events had been too rattling.

She dimmed the lights and padded to her desk, where unread messages and reports still lay on her datapad. Wrapping the soft ivory fabric around her waist, she took the datapad and lay on her bed. She shifted, resting her gaze outside the large viewport of her rooms at the blue streaks of light hurrying past the duraglass.

She had received an invitation to the first congregation of Republic worlds which would be taking place a standard lunar month from now on Naboo. Interestingly enough, most of the worlds that had joined forces on the battle of Coruscant would attend, but some of the main Core worlds were not invited. Correlia being the most striking example. With the galaxy’s economy in shaky grounds after Coruscant’s banking systems had failed, it seemed like primary production worlds were trying to take over the helm in the galaxy. At least for now.

Leia had politely declined the invitation. She had other more pressing matters at hand. The most important of which was on board the ship.

She was also very much aware that the First Order had lost an important battle, but not necessarily the war. General Hux and his remaining battleships had yet to be found. Even though she now knew, that just because you eradicate an enemy did not mean you can eradicate its ideology, she hoped that there would be at least enough time for the Republic to get back on its feet, before another absolute regime rose to challenge democracy again. After all, such was the cycle of life, of the Force and even of politics.

She smirked shaking her head.

When did I become such a cynic.

“Threepio, I believe I’ll be needing the herb infusion you suggested, after all. I don’t think I’ll be sleeping any time soon.”

The golden droid whirled round eyes in her direction, immediately seizing the meticulous task of folding clothes it had assigned to itself.

“Of course…Right away Princess,” C-3PO answered back eager to please.  “If you’ll excuse me, your Highness, I will need to make a run to the common room for that.” It shuffled its way to the doors, their hissing sound informing Leia she would be rid of the droid’s babbling for a little while. “It shouldn’t take me more than a few minutes. And I believe a dash of Arenia’s moonflower might aid you in your sleep. It is widely used in the Western regions as a form of… Master Ben, what a pleasant surprise. I was just informing your mother of the benefits that…”

Leia looked up in surprise at the two large figures looming at the entrance of her quarters. Chewbacca growled, shoving Ben inside. Her son stumbled, turning to glare at the wookie hovering over him. But Chewbacca just roared at his face.

“Boys that’s enough!” Leia exclaimed taking in Ben’s disheveled appearance. He obviously had put up a fight on their way here. “Chewie you may go, thank you for bringing him for a visit.” She gave him a half smile and Chewie cocked his head with a small whine he reserved just for her, before pushing Ben on a chair. Her son, chose wisely to remain seated, body slightly hunched over and gaze glued on the carpeted floor.

Chewbacca walked up to Leia giving her one of his trademark hugs before retreating and dragging an appalled C-3PO along with him on his way out.

Leia regarded her son for a few moments. His mismatched clothes that the medical staff had dressed him in. His tresses of dark hair falling over his face, hiding from view those chocolate brown eyes that once looked up at her in adoration. Now they were downcast avoiding hers at any cost. It was impossible to believe that her son was finally back.

Han would be…

She twisted her wedding ring anxiously around her finger. For the first time in her life at a complete loss for words.

“I’m sorry,” she began. “I’m sorry things turned out this way.”

Ben let out a scoff of amusement, shaking his head. His face remained hidden.

“I can have Chewie take you any place you wish when we drop out of hyperspace. We are headed to our next base. You’re welcomed to stay with us. If you want…”

Silence.

Keep talking, he’s bound to answer at some point.

“Rey seems to truly care for you. She was so broken when you were…”

“Don’t talk to me about Rey,” he snapped in a coarse voice.

Leia pulled a chair opposite him, sitting down with a straight back and fisting her robes to hide the nervous tremble in her hands.

“Is there something you wish to talk about then?”

Ben looked up at her, anger flaring behind narrowed eyes.

“I know what you’re doing and it won’t work with me. Save your diplomatic skills for your precious Republic,” he spat.

Leia felt fury rising in her chest but she quickly clamped it down. Nothing good would come from losing her patience.

“I don’t know how much of a Republic is left. War has its toll,” she said, reaching for her datapad and handing it out to him. “These are some economic reports and speculations concerning the fall of Coruscant’s banking systems. Are you interested in reading them?”

Ben looked away with a scowl. She lowered her hand, drumming her nails on the surface of the datapad in thought.

Of course he’d make this difficult.

“Hux escaped,” she commented. “Took a few Star Destroyers with him. Rumors say he was trying to overthrow you by firing on the Senate Hall.”

That seemed to catch his interest as he fixed her with an inquisitive stare.

Finally a common ground.

“You disappoint me mother. I thought his ship would have been the first one you blasted out of the sky.”

Leia let out a short chuckle.

“I failed you.”

“Yes,” he drawled.  “You have.”

His eyes were set on her dark and accusing. The implication behind them, one she could not overlook. This would not be an easy conversation.

“I made mistakes, Ben,” she admitted the words weighing more than she could bear. “I saw them along the years. But I didn’t know I was making them at the time. I was too busy trying to build a better galaxy for everyone. A prosperous world that we could raise you in. But I didn’t realize that the world in your child’s eyes only reached as far as me and your father. I see that now and I am sorry. I am so sorry…”

“No, you’re not,” he interrupted in a low voice.  “You would have made the same decisions if given another chance. Because this is who you are and you wouldn’t settle for anything less.”

“Settle for less? Is that what you consider yourself?”

“That’s what we were to you. Me and dad. You always chose the galaxy over us.”

“That is not true…”

“Oh, come now mother! No reason to hide at this point.” He shot up from his seat incredulous, tossing an arm out. “Han Solo was too much of a wanderer and I was too much of a burden to fulfill the picture of the perfect family. You couldn’t handle either of us. So you sent me away to Luke Skywalker. My legendary Jedi uncle, who only regarded me as a project gone wrong that needed to be fixed.”

“You don’t know, Ben…”

“Don’t I? Don’t I know that I had too much of Vader in me? That’s what dad thought, when your great secret of your ancestry was finally out in the open for your Senate to tear at.” He stepped up to her pointing a finger at his chest, glaring thunderously at her. “My own father! The great Resistance hero who didn’t have a speck of Force in him. The person I admired the most in my childhood, considered me as bad as Darth Vader. And you all agreed.”

Leia stared at him, lips parted in shock.

How had this happened? His version of their broken family was far more distorted than she had ever imagined. Leia tried desperately to think back to the countless fights she had had with Han over Ben and the dark presence she and Luke had felt inside him for years. What had he overheard? Because Ben’s conclusions were far more damaging than she had ever thought.

No wonder he turned his back to us and joined Snoke.

Because if the Light could cut so deeply, the Dark would be a welcoming breeze in comparison.  

“No, Ben. What we sensed in you was Snoke and his manipulations.”

“But you didn’t know at the time, did you? You thought it was all me.”

Leia shook her head, her lips pressing together tightly.

“That is not what happened…”

Ben was towering over her by now. The tall form and broad shoulders of her son filling her stinging eyes.

“Yes, it was. You just don’t want to admit it to yourself,” he bit back once again, vehemently.  “But it no longer matters. I am Kylo Ren, now. Snoke made sure of that, under everyone’s noses.” He bent over her sitting figure, lowering his voice. “Ben Solo no longer exists, mother. And Han Solo is dead. I killed them both!” He stated with burning eyes.

Leia clenched her jaw, barely containing the anger within her. Ben had gone too far.

She sprang from her chair eyeing him fiercely.

“How could you?” The words simmering for months under her breath broke free, at last, before she could reign them in. And once loose, they threatened to shatter the fragile balance she was striving to achieve. “How could you do it, Ben?” Her lip trembled and her hands shook.

Her son looked down at her, barely holding himself from raining havoc in her quarters. He was biting his lip and Leia knew very well what that meant.

“Did that creature twist your heart and brainwash your mind, with darkness and void promises of greatness and power, that you had to kill your own father to prove yourself to him? Did it work Ben? Did your blind, cold-hearted devotion to him cement you to the Dark side?”

“Don’t you dare talk to me about darkness when your own brother, my uncle, tried to murder me in my sleep.”

“And he regretted it till his last dying breath, Ben! Don’t you see? Snoke…”

“I know damned well what Snoke did and said! But it wasn’t Snoke that ignited the saber that ran through Han Solo’s heart. It was me! I did it!” He hissed through gritted teeth, looming over her small form, eyes wild and glazed with fury and unshed tears. “And not a day goes by that I don’t regret it. So don’t you dare lecture me like I’m a five year old and unaware of my faults and mistakes. I have to live with what I did. Carry it. And not a million Coruscants will ever be enough for me to atone for murdering my father.” He heaved inches from her face.

Leia could feel the blood drain from her face.

“You should have let me die on that planet,” he rasped in an exhale.

Her heart started pounding in her chest and her vision blurred as she lifted her hands to cup his face, wishing she could tear away his pain and carry it herself. Wishing she could turn back time and undo the mistakes she had made, one by one. Fixing what she had broken in her boy’s heart, and stitching together the family that had been torn apart. But she could find no atonement for the mistakes of a parent.

“I am so, so sorry, sweatheart,” she whispered, voice too thick to be heard as tears finally rolled down her cheeks. “Let me help you, please let me help you…”

His calloused hand came over hers, engulfing it completely as he gazed at her with haunted, broken eyes. And his voice quivered when he answered back.

“It’s too late.”

If it were possible to hear her heart break, than this would be the moment. With her boy’s warm hand squeezing her own and his well of tears reflecting her brown eyes.

“You’re here… It’s not too late.”

*

 It felt like a ripple in the beginning. Some kind of disturbance shaking the matrix of the Force. But the waves only intensified as time went on, and Rey found herself rushing barefoot down the corridors of the ship, covered only in a soft grey tank top and pants made for sleeping. Hair spilling over her shoulders in a tangled mess of wavy strands. It was pure instinct that lead her outside of Leia’s doors, where a couple of other crew members were standing restlessly not knowing what to do.

Finn and Rose had followed her, as well, calling out her name behind her. And just as she reached the doors, Poe along with Kaydel Connix came running from around a corner. They both looked ragged and worn out from their night shift, and on the verge of panic. Obviously from the urgent call out to them by the bystanders outside Leia’s rooms.

“What’s going on?” Poe panted, looking at Rey.

“I don’t know! I just sensed… I sensed something happening and just followed it here. Can we override the door?” She asked, gesturing towards the room.

But Poe was already punching his codes on the panel.

The door opened to reveal a sight that left them all gawking.

A clutter of objects were levitated all over the room. Anything that wasn’t attached to the ground was in the air, swirling around aimlessly in the soft light of their General’s quarters. And in the middle of it all stood Leia, in her night robe, clutching fiercely to her waist a kneeling man.

She looked up at them with a pale face and red rimmed eyes. The expression on her face that of utter devastation.

“Not now. Please, leave.” She waved at them, but the man turned around, the messy dark strands falling on his face not enough to conceal his identity.

Oh my gods…

Ben had done it. He’d found the courage to face his mother.

Everyone gasped as he rose himself to his feet and Poe instinctively reached for his blaster.

Rey caught his forearm before he was able to pull it out.

“Poe. No. He won’t harm her.”

“This man in unpredictable, Rey.” He looked at her with resolve. “There’s even a knife up in the air.  I told Leia this was a bad idea…” He grumbled, his hand still set on the hilt of his blaster.

Rey darted a look at Ben who was studying them with an expression that was hard to decipher. She hadn’t realized how much she was depended on the bond to understand the tangle of feelings that came with this man. But there was a rigidity to his body and a darkness in his gaze that spoke volumes about his thoughts.

Rey took a step away from Poe.

“Leia’s right. We should leave,” she said. Ben’s eyes were fixed on her like gleaming coals. “We are intruding on something private.”

“We’re done,” he clipped.

“Ben…” Leia looked up at him.

“No. There’s nothing more to say. When we exit hyperspace I’m taking a ship and leaving. I’ll send you its coordinates when I no longer have use for it.” He looked back at Rey and she steeled herself for what he would say next.

“There’s nothing for me here. I don’t belong here.”

And with those words still suspending in the air, he made his way through the small party, his large shoulder bumping in provocation against Poe’s on his way out.

[marshmallowgoop]

Can I have a link to your posts gushing over the kill la kill dvd cover with Ryuko and Senketsu on it as well as your favorite ryuketsu posts please and thank you so much ryuketsu+gamako 4ever otps

I’ve actually written a few final-cover-gushing posts ^^;

Gushing

Sketches to Final, More

Final Cover Design: Life Fiber Synchronization Hug?

Sushio’s Drafted Final Cover Design 

As for favorite Ryuketsu posts… that’s super difficult! There is so much good content out there; the archive on my other blog is really a treasure trove for fabulous work!

But I can try to pick out some faves! (These might not necessarily be Ryuketsu exactly, but they are all wonderful Ryuko and Senketsu pieces.)

If I’ve linked to your work here and you would not like to be on this list, please let me know and I’ll remove you immediately!

For favorite fanart pieces:

http://art-of-zirio.tumblr.com/post/77437562345/ryuko-hey-now-whats-with-that-face-i by @art-of-zirio

A really good human!Senketsu with amazing expression work.

http://bechnokid.tumblr.com/post/75424699297 by @bechnokid​

I love the style of this, and it’s also 110% in character.

http://laminated-potato.tumblr.com/post/78911508364/spoilers-from-episode-21-here-i-am-again-with by @laminated-potato​

Absolutely stellar comic-book style rendition of that bit right after Ryuko tears off Junketsu in episode 21 (which, imo, is one of the sweetest and most loving moments in the entire show).

https://www.tumblr.com/dashboard/blog/mossmallow-art/80650423246 by @mossmallow​

A real cute piece of Senketsu as a party dress.

https://superdiduper.tumblr.com/post/89334412507/rrrrr by superdiduper

Really sweet pic of Ryuko and a wonderful humanoid Senketsu.

http://mochafish.tumblr.com/post/94258350363/unfinished-klk-comic-that-i-did-right-after-the by mochafish

A short post-series comic that is super heartbreaking and well done.

http://ayuseiart.tumblr.com/post/102786062721/always-in-my-dreams-senketsu-x-ryuko-matoi by @ayuseiart​

One of the absolute cutest Ryuko and Senketsu pieces I’ve ever seen.

http://maliadoodles.tumblr.com/post/104315794432/this-anime-is-my-life-3-please-do-not-use-my by @maliadoodles

A real fun human!Senketsu, with some neat fashion for both him and Ryuko.

http://the-chokey.tumblr.com/post/92722492452/a-month-of-procrastinating-makes-me-appreciate by @the-chokey

Okay, so @the-chokey and @murasakidoku made this fantastic Kill la Kill AU back in the earlier days of the fandom, and the work put into it is phenomenal. This is just one piece of animation from the AU, where Ryuko and Senketsu kiss to synchronize (and I totally lost it when I first saw it). Incredible stuff!

http://fuckyeahryuketsu.tumblr.com/post/104611687073/godrobe-freshblood-actually-i-like-this by godrobe-freshblood

Godrobe-freshblood has since deleted and left Tumblr, but she’s done so much good work for this pair that definitely still deserves acknowledgment. This piece is a particularly heartbreaking one of Senketsu’s last moments.

http://theneonflower.tumblr.com/post/117521303222/a-promise-or-a-proposal-ill-wait-till-the-end by @theneonflower

@theneonflower has so much good Ryuketsu stuff! This piece is one of my faves; I just dig that Red String of Fate symbolism.

http://starcre8tor.tumblr.com/post/79730415930/kill-la-kill-sketch-request-dump-click-on-theby @starcre8tor

@starcre8tor‘s Kill la Kill stuff is so good! I love this top piece here of Ryuko signing “I love you” to Senketsu, and Senketsu’s adorable reaction.

http://fuckyeahryuketsu.tumblr.com/post/137453814400/secretmusician23-doodle-of-wedding-ryuko-3 by secretmusician23

Secretmusician23 has also since deleted and left Tumblr, but their work still definitely deserves acknowledgment. This piece is so evocative and beautiful (and I love it because it’s a wedding-dress Ryuko pic that doesn’t forget about and erase Senketsu!)

http://badlydrawnaikuro.tumblr.com/post/141973226943 by @badlydrawnaikuro

Senketsu and Ryuko and Loss. Need I say more? (It’s not supposed to mess me up like this!!!)

https://choco-maize.tumblr.com/post/141665868143/i-forgot-how-to-draw-side-view-bodies-frick-yknow by @choco-maize​

Pictures of Ryuko and Senketsu hugging always get to me, and this one is no exception. Wonderful expression work and and colors.

http://fedorarapture.tumblr.com/post/168223415460/ryuketsu-fanart-in-2017-yeah-why-not by @fedorarapture​

The style and coloring on this Ryuko and Senketsu hug pic is fantastic.

http://liqdra.tumblr.com/post/119813763533/3 by liqdra

Intimate, sweet, and beautifully detailed, this piece is breathtakingly gorgeous (note though that it might veer a bit into the nsfw side).

http://scribbly-z-raid.tumblr.com/post/71391583161/i-need-more-protective-senketsu-in-canon-trigger by @scribbly-z-raid

A Good comic that I wish would have happened in canon!

http://wife-fiber-matoi.tumblr.com/post/126200276503/phew-okay-thisll-be-the-beggining-of-a-ryuketsu by @wife-fiber-matoi

A lovely start to a post-series story that tugs on the heartstrings with just a few panels.

http://ggup23.tumblr.com/post/116046347022/mmhmm by ggup23

A super cute piece with such a good, in-character human!Senketsu.

http://bakemeats.tumblr.com/post/137063667214/also-here-are-some-sketches-sorry-world by @bakemeats

These sketches are adorable and in a really good style, and the humanoid Senketsu design is also fantastic.

https://sleepwalker-j.tumblr.com/post/164228736683 by @sleepwalker-j​

I just love the colors and atmosphere of this Ryuko and human!Senketsu pic.

http://lovelettertofiction.tumblr.com/post/160102065197/in-german-carrying-and-wearing-are-the-same-words by @lovelettertofiction

A sweet pic with a Good humanoid Senketsu design.

http://lenandbonten.tumblr.com/post/128926389304/my-sis-and-i-finished-watching-kill-la-kill-a-few by @lenandbonten

Super sweet, traditional art piece with a great use of color. Back when Erica Mendez, Ryuko’s English VA, had a Tumblr (tsunderica), she reblogged this one, so you know it’s good!

For favorite official art/animator fanart pieces:

Akira Amemiya’s “Senketsu’s Date with Ryuko” (of course), and Mago’s art of the date, too

The final DVD/Blu-ray cover art, and the draft, by Sushio (also of course)

This piece of Ryuko smiling sweetly at Senketsu by Sachiko Yajima, from the Kill la Kill Starter Book

Sushio’s absolutely intense image of Ryuko after she tears off Junketsu (this is still one of the most loving and sweet moments on the show!)

Sushio’s illustration of Senketsu crying, which unfortunately didn’t make it into LOVE LOVE KLKL, but is still really cute

Sushio’s Scarfketsu turns, here and here

This old design of synchronized Senketsu (the far right on the fifth picture down), where Senketsu literally holds Ryuko

Mago’s super cute Blu-ray/DVD side art for the final volume, featuring Senketsu waving goodbye and Ryuko/Senketsu waving goodbye in Senketsu-Kisaragi

Ryo Akizuki’s (the artist for the official Kill la Kill manga) early drawings of Ryuko and Senketsu’s interactions

Senketsu as a fancy red dress (while Ryuko has extra red in her hair, implying that they synced to form the dress, aw!) and as a bikini, done by manga artist Ryo Akizuki

This key frame from episode 9 (“That positive outlook of yours is what I love about you, Senketsu!”)

For favorite GIFs/Graphics/Edits:

http://fuckyeahryuketsu.tumblr.com/post/82639712231/konohananosakuya-hime-senketsu-and-ryukos by konohananosakuya-hime

Konohananosakuya-hime has since deleted and left Tumblr, but this edit definitely deserves a look. It’s a beautiful collage of Ryuko and Senketsu’s growing bond.

http://lycanrockruff.tumblr.com/post/81015761133/life-fiber-synchronise-senketsu-kisaragi by @lycanrockruff​

A super impressive GIF of Ryuko in Senketsu-Kisaragi.

https://fairytailwitch.tumblr.com/post/78811710462/kill-la-kill-episode-21-incomplete-i-have-to by @fairytailwitch

A really good, effective edit of that moment after Ryuko rips off Junketsu. (Have I mentioned yet that this is one of the sweetest and most loving moments of the show?)

http://softchoi.tumblr.com/post/107253257299/ryuko-loves-this-uniform-more-than-anything by @softchoi​​

This GIFset wonderfully emphasizes how protective Ryuko is over Senketsu. My heart.

http://asofterhonnouji.tumblr.com/post/119558607766/1064-my-body-is-a-temple-and-theres-another by @asofterhonnouji​

This edit is so ouch.

For favorite fanfiction, here’s a list I’ve made before:

For general, in-series fics focused on Senketsu and Ryuko:

pulse by Noa (nothingbutcinders)

This is a short one, but oh so very sweet. It focuses on Senketsu’s love for Ryuko’s heartbeat.

Things to Remember by @felflowne​​

Ryuko and Senketsu being awkward about friendship. A cute story about dorky teens being dorky teens.  

For A Crack, Some Plaster by plumeri4

A fic that explores Senketsu’s introduction some more. It’s a touchy subject, but something that definitely feels missing in the actual show.

For post-series:

Forever Sailor Fuku by @miracle-interrupter-heno​

A funny and cute story that takes place after the series and doesn’t make Senketsu a humanoid. While that’s all good and fine, it’s nice to see fics like these, too.

AUs:

Vibrations by @murasakidoku​

A really sweet story. Ryuko is deaf, but she can hear Senketsu’s voice, and can hear what he hears when they synchronize.

Senketsu Goes to School by @carrinth​

While not a fic exactly, this comic is a hilarious and adorable high school AU with Senketsu as the main character.

And I don’t know where exactly to put this, but:

Dragon Blood by @inkblood-mistrieu​

Really beautiful and poetic short piece with allusions to the Tanabata story.

Also, all of these authors have more stories and content about Senketsu and Ryuko. So if you like any of these, there’s more where that came from!

And I don’t know if you were looking for my favorite Ryuketsu posts that I’ve done, too, but I’ll self-plug, lol:

This long edit of my favorite Ryuko and Senketsu moments

This edit using a quote from Ami Koshimizu, Ryuko’s Japanese VA

This edit that makes the show material look like a video game, using one of the sweetest moments from the series (Senketsu loving Ryuko’s heartbeat)

This fanart which is like, the only thing I’ve drawn in the last fifty years

This fic which is honestly one of my favorites I’ve ever written for Kill la Kill (even if I’ve gotten the impression from others that it’s one of my weakest ^^;)

This meta about Ryuko and Senketsu’s communication

This post about how Ryuko and Senketsu are a Good Ship, Y’all (and the Spongebob one, too)

This meta post about why they’re good

Also, searching “Ryuketsu” on Twitter gives you a bunch of unrelated content and ship hate, so I’d recommend trying 鮮流 (Senryu) to find some good material there! The same goes for Pixiv!

I’m just scratching the surface here, but I hope this is a good starting list!

[hawkeyedflame]

So, I was reading that post about ADHD medication, and a lot of the stuff you said about ADHD really resonated with me. I want to talk to my parents about it, but I want to be more certain that that's the issue first. How did you realize you have ADHD?

Hey there! I started to answer this ask while I was lying in bed the other night and then I was getting too off-track so I saved it and went to bed then (in typical fashion) forgot about it. So here I am now, and I’m sorry if you thought I was ignoring you!

[I’m putting my answer under the cut because, to nobody’s surprise, brevity is not my strong suit.]

I guess it was a little easier for me to figure it out because everyone in my family has it. My mom actually thought I was ADD when I was a kid, so it’s always kinda been there in the back of my brain, more or less pushed to the side.

There were a couple things that led me to believing I may have inattentive ADHD, and it was a difficult thing to reckon with for me because I had internalized biases against it based on my own experiences with my hyperactive brothers growing up. I felt a lot of disgust over being associated with their bad behaviors by nature of having the same disorder, and that’s largely what kept me from getting diagnosed as a kid. That and the fact that inattentive subtype is a lot harder to catch in grade school because the structure often helps stave off major transgressions. The evaluation I did have when I was 10 or so missed it.

It therefore fell entirely on me as an adult to recognize and admit that I had an issue. The first thing that really made me reconsider was learning about rejection sensitivity dysphoria, which is only seen in (some) people with ADHD. RSD is essentially a state of mind in which perceived or actual social rejection causes unbearable emotional pain. People with RSD struggle immensly with socializing because they constantly fear even the slightest rejection from their peers. They also cannot bear to disappoint people who are important to them, such as parents and authority figures. People with RSD can quickly become extremely depressed and anxious, and oftentimes suicidal in reaction to feeling rejected. To avoid triggering these feelings, RSD sufferers usually fall one of two ways: they will work extremely hard to please everyone around them, or they will become isolated and socially avoidant. I fell into the latter category, and it fed into a mindset and environment that made me extremely depressed and anxious for a very long time.

The second thing that tipped me off was when my aforementioned depressive episodes ended I was still struggling a lot with motivation, discipline, and focus. I excelled in high school and then I got to university and was completely incapable of managing my time by myself. I couldn’t get myself to class, couldn’t get my homework done, couldn’t remember deadlines/due dates no matter how important they were. Writing things down didn’t help at all because I’d forget to check my agenda/calendar/whiteboard/etc. My brain felt like it was in a fog 24/7 and I lived in a constant state of frustration for being unable to do things that should be completely manageable. My grades tanked my freshman year, and then in the fall of my sophomore year I ended up withdrawing and taking a psychiatric medical leave because I couldn’t get myself together. I came back to my university the following summer and went strong through my summer courses (six week semesters, two classes four days a week, assignments generally due the next day–in hindsight it’s obvious that the tighter structure of the summer semester was why I did well), and then fell apart again in the fall. My difficulties focusing and getting work done would cause me to become extremely stressed about my grades and my future, and that anxiety would further paralyze me, which would invariably trigger a depressive episode that could last for months. The end result was a mad scramble at the end of the semester to make up all my work, shitty grades, and feeling constantly suicidal. Then finals would end, I’d have a break to recharge and get my hopes up about the coming semester, and the cycle would start anew. Rinse and repeat. For four years. Because I thought it was depression, and resigned myself to living in these cycles.

But then, I said to my therapist this spring, “I think there’s something physically wrong with me. Even though I haven’t been feeling nearly as depressed recently, I still can’t focus on anything and I’m forgetful and unmotivated.” And she replied to me, and I quote, “I disagree that you haven’t been depressed.” That really rubbed me the wrong way, and I began to wonder if she was actually in my corner. Thus began a power struggle between me and my therapist over whether or not I should look for more answers about my mental state.

I eventually went to my doctor with my complaints and (like I said in that other post) went through a million layers of physical examinations, blood tests, etc. only for her to conclude that there was nothing physically wrong with me. I asked to be referred for a neuropsych evaluation, and from there I was diagnosed with ADHD. I cut ties with my therapist and started medication.

In hindsight, with the context of my disorder, I have recognized some other symptoms as well. I have patterns of hyperfixation, a symptom of ADHD (shared with ASD as well) that is not talked about very often but which was explained to me by the psychologist. A hyperfixation is pretty much what it sounds like: you become laser-focused to the point of near-obsession on a topic, learning everything there is to know about it and investing great deals of physical/mental/emotional energy into it. One of the tip-offs that you may be hyperfixating is when you struggle to have conversations without bringing up that topic, or compulsively dominating a social interaction with discussion about the topic.My first hyperfixation that I self-identified was with the show RWBY, my second with Fullmetal Alchemist, and then with NieR: Automata. You can actually see these patterns if you look at my blog archive between 2015 and now. I mentioned this to my mother and she told me she noticed my hyperfixations when I was a teenager, listing things such as my obsession with certain book series, certain scientific topics, and other things.

Another thing I’ve noticed is that I’m impulsive with money. I work and earn money but I have a really hard time stopping myself from spending it. I am in control enough that I take care of my groceries and bills first, but I have found myself unable to save money at all. As much money as I have I will justify myself in spending, even when I know I shouldn’t.

….

I know that’s really long and I’m sorry for that but to recap: I recognize a history of behavior associated with a crippling fear of being rejected, being disapproved of, and being embarrassed. I have experienced suicidal feelings and followed through with self-injurious behaviors (reckless driving, cutting, hair-pulling, etc.) as a direct result of unbearable feelings of shame and humiliation at being disapproved of and/or rejected by others. Even in periods where I was not feeling depressed, I was experiencing difficulty focusing, inability to motivate myself, manage my time, or meet deadlines. I have hyperfixations, where I can focus only on a single thing for a long period of time, to the point where it starts to detract from my quality of life. I am impulsive and irresponsible with money.