#i feel so fucking awful oh my god im not like suicidal or anything but this is just so bad

[opheliac]

uh oh i am fucking up royally now

[the-chaos-goose]

Vent ahead!

I. Really don’t trust my brain or my thoughts or my words or even some headmates rn. Ik one is… well she’s back to her roots (roots of heavy self harm and thinking that it only affects her). She can’t really be reasoned with in a way that matters and it’s. It’s not fun. But I’m trying

one other headmate is dormant after I think a pet death? Can’t remember

and honestly I’ve been stuck thinking my dreams are reality/connected to reality and it’s fucking me up bc I’m scared if I tell anyone they’ll just say “oh it’s not real” but. Like. That doesn’t help. I wish I could explain it but like. Trying to convince me it isn’t real never works. I go along and pretend I believe them, just to not argue, cuz that’s my instinct, but.. I still believe that if I sleep I’ll wake up in the dreams again and I’ll deal with the bullshit going on in them. And I’ll never escape. It’s a horrible feeling, not really a thought anymore. Just. A feeling. An awful one. That and I’ve been losing touch with explaining anything again and it’s killing me bc I’ll think I worded something perfectly and then I’ll just fall flat on my face ‘cuz nothing I verbally say makes sense. Then there’s the feeling of death every damn night when I’m left alone and I can’t handle that bc gods.. I think I’m dying EVERY night and idk how to ask someone to just. Stay awake until I fall asleep. Bc that’s too much to ask and I know that. I know that that’s a freak thing to ask but gods. Years of isolation really messed me up and I can’t sleep alone like that. Not with someone asleep either. They have to be awake until I’m asleep. Because that’s genuinely the only time I feel alive.

AND THEN there’s my dad. He’s been getting worse again and it’s made me wanna die. Bad. I haven’t had this severe suicidal ideation since I was like 8 (yes 8. Bad year. Whatever). I’m glad im absolutely shit at planning and I’m too scared of leaving my lovers to go through with it or else I would’ve been done-zos. That and my cats. And my great aunt. But the ideation is still there and it’s eating me apart tbh

There’s also my lungs. They’ve been getting bad. I mean BAD. like breathing is killing me in ways I can’t describe. I’ve been struggling with LAUGHING bc it’s been bad. I play it off as funny (it is, in a morbid manner tbh), but at the same time- gods on earth I feel like I’m disintegrating

there’s ALSO ALSO my drooling. It’s not that bad, especially not compared to everything else. But gods it’s just. Annoying :(. I don’t like having to wipe my mouth every chance I get bc I feel all wet. It’s yucky and I hate it. I get “yada yada self love” but I have sensory issues and a slight anxiety around anything “gross” so like. My drooling issue is genuinely upsetting in a more “this inconveniences me and I want it gone” rather than “I hate my body!!”

Also we relapsed and it’s been burning bc of our clothes and I just don’t wanna ask like “hey can I get some kinda large bandage” cuz I don’t wanna admit to self-harm.

idk. I’m sorry if you read this. I have to get it out, I have to be seen. I’m sorry.

[plaquerat]

i can't help but feel like ive been ruined. i spent so many nights begging someone i was in love with to not kill themself, to not abandon me, to please please love me back. i was forced to swallow my religious trauma because any way i processed it was Wrong and if i prayed more, if i shut up about saints, if i believed harder that god was truly good i could help the person i was obsessed with. i stopped watching or reading things i liked because one time the person made a joke making fun of a piece of media that's known to be bad and if you do that that's the same as endorsing what that piece of media is about and that would take this person away from me.

i helped make a server with someone after we left a larger one. we brought people we knew in. i invited a few people from a dead one i was in for the same piece of media. it would be nice, i thought, if we could all hang out and post art and have fun in a smaller, safer space. i liked a character that was very unpopular in the fanbase. the movie for this piece of media came out recently. there was a really awful joke made about this character in it. it made me feel gross and it felt like something that character wouldn't say or do. it was a gag comedy piece, and i've been into comic books before. i was used to being able to go "hm, that's uncool. i don't like how the character was written in this, and i don't think it's really indicative or how the character is." this apparently isn't normal and i, a csa victim who was just barely piecing together my abuse, was made to feel like i was evil and a supporter of the very thing i was so hurt by. tone indicators blew up around the time this server was active. i had a very hard time with them, and i have a history of being talked down to and infantilized. i asked people not to use them with me, and explicitly said why. i got off work that night and got a dm from someone i considered a friend at the time telling me how shitty and ableist i am for feeling that way. that if i feel like im being infantilized, then it means i think anyone who needs them is a fucking idiot. i never said that at all. when i got upset over how i was being talked to i got told that see? this is why someone like YOU needs them? because im actually stupid and need to have my hand held and told how stupid i am. anything i did from this point was obviously malicious. if i liked anything i was stupid. if i posted that character i was still so attached to i was into pedophilia. that person i was so obsessed with was in here for a while and after they cut me off completely i wanted to wipe the server. it was pretty dead anyway. i wanted it done quietly. one of my supposed friends was besties with that person in here who loved to accuse me of horrible things. they told them and they drove me out because if i deleted a server they posted in once a month that was bad and wrong and who cares about anything involving me. so i left.

i was invited into a server by someone i was mutuals with. it was nice. people in there were friendly and some were actually excited to see me. the owner was someone who very much did have issues, but we all did. occasionally id say things without thinking and get nipped. oh my bad haha! ill try harder. and i did. there were five vent channels and one was angry and involving things that upset us morally. i got really ovsessed with looking at accounts that posted things, triggering myself over and over. this was normal and good, the server owner believed. this person accused people of pedophilia on a fandom poll for voting on a character they liked and not this person's personal choice. my one irl friend's mom died when i was at work. on my break, i posted about it in shock, asking for support. when i got off work, i was being accused of making the server owner attempt suicide. when i floated the idea of commissions before moving, the server owner accused me of stealing customers from them. they had closed theirs earlier that day, after all. i couldnt post about anything if they had mentioned it to me. that was theft and i needed to credit them for everything. when i got into ghost, i said i liked how people would sexualize the papas. it was good, i thought, that older characters were being seen as attractive. the sevrer owner accused me of incest then, because my character i had made for ghost was related to these characters. i felt weird and gross talking about it with them around after that. i was told that at one point when i offhandedly mentiomed having a crush on someone, the server owner was convinced i meant them. in the end, the server owner cut the entire group off, and it turned out he was abusive to a lot of us. but people mentioned i seemed to get a very large chunk of it.

in tthe leadup to the ghost movie, i was so, so scared. i didn't know why. some horrible, evil part of my brain was telling me it was going to turn out copia was a pedophile. that was insane. that wouldn't happen, that's disgusting and evil and completely against what ghost is. but it had happened before with a character i liked. and what was one more comfort stolen away from me, an ontologically evil person. it didn't happen. obviously, it didn't and i was relieved. i still feel insane for even thinking it.

im trying to do better these days. i dont go out of my way to look at things that will trigger me if i can help it. im supposed to get into therapy more regularly now that ive moved again. most people i talk to now are supportive of me, understand that im kind of a freak and someone who has some very abnormal beliefs— and that its okay for me to have them. im not hurting people by worshipping lucifer. im not bad and wrong for being interested in saints and rituals. i know people that have had fears like mine because of similar events. im writing more than i used to, im talking about weirder ideas more. there is still fear, and there will be until i can have a decent way to work on it.

i really feel like a lot of this didn't need to happen in the first place, though. most things probably dont need to happen. they just do and im a very fundamentally messed up person for it now. oh well i guess. eventually ill stop crying before sleeping and immediately upon waking up.

[neverdying-d-e-a-d]

ohgod wjat was that.

hey why do i actively try to burn away and forget my past?

why dont i make an appointment with a therapist already?

i mean

i cant now

what if someone hears me?

...

i n s t i

tu t i o n

a l i z e d

what's that mean?

oh rock music, we're really in it now

okay, its not cool to make portraits of sadness and to self victimize

i dont feel like a victim

i feel like i deserve it all

what

do i mean anything that i write?

i really hope that i don't

or do

eugh

so confusing i'm about to cry

at what point does depression start to become going insane?

is it the same?

eugh..

i mean isnt it insane to want to kill someone? suicidal thoughts?

....

whaaatever.

i have enough love for myself and more

i just wanna talk about the war

._.

it's fucked up

feels redundant to say

but i think im allowed to say obvious things

im allowed to say whatever i want, as long as i think im a good person. right?

sometimes i wish i had parents that taught me to really use my brain

get the thoughts straight

okay

your name is [____ __________]

you feel

uhhh awe shit.

you feel

you feel confused

how are you feeling?

im feeling great.

okay.

your name is [_ _]

you feel

something is wrong

in your head

in the world

in the world

or

no, in your head

or

no, nothings wrong, there is no good or bad or

no, yes there is, you know good from bad.

or, no thats not true wisdom

or, no, thats common knowledge

true wisdom is foolish

or

i always end up knowing nothing

or

um

no, yeah.

your name is ()

you know nothing

you feel light and slightly confused and you feel like if you articulate it well enough you can understand it, you feel convinced

you feel shame remembering that guy feel up your thighs

you feel turned on

noooo you dont. dont kid yourself.

you feel turned on at the idea of you feeling turned on.

you feel basically only real attraction towards yourself

and some men

and

dont tell me youre afraid of women now, too? just because it was a girl what made you so weird as a kid?

point is.

that guy. you liked using him. you wanna hurt him. i honestly dont feel bad about that but i feel like i should

okay, i do

hes a person

so cute too.

but what a rotten little boy

god, its always the lonely emo boys

three times now

ive gotta get scarier, scare them off

no, that. eugh. only attracts them

other boys like boobed people who are non threatening

but those boys...

um

when was the last time you gave one of those boys a real chance? haha.

.

.

.

am i the problem?

sure, why not

....

i dont wanna talk to boys. women. i like women. boys

men and women are basically the same to me i just fear violence and well

....

im not crazy for feeling unsafe around men, am i?

....

i really wish i could ask someone who knows about this

like say, a therapist

eughhh.

im dying

writing is making me feel worse i should go to bed

i dont wanna have a bad dream

but

its okay to do things that scare you

but

it feels different to be in the middle of it all but

but

but

but i live in america

because

because

because my grandfather's editing team are dead

guns bought that ticket

and now im a privileged white british scumbag

living with black mold

maybe thats whats making me feel like this honestly

god i just wanna move somewhere clean

somewhere clean

will this poetry will make me sound insane because it's not beautiful

not worth it to care honestly

i still dont feel better

nono, lets try

im feeling better slowly

yes slowly

quicker now im finally feeling good

no.

im gonna take allergy medication and drop out of college and die on the street

im not really afraid

i dont deserve anything more or less

... right?

[moonlit-ivy-writes]

TAKE MY BREATH

hawks x reader

tw: mentions of suicide

edit: im posting roughly so ignore mistakes they will be fixed later or not hsjsj

editor: @herp-a-derp

taglist:

@theeafricanprincess

@mirayasimpinghard

(Prologue) (Chapter 1) (Chapter 2) (Chapter 3) (chapter 4) (chapter 5)

i saw the fire in your eyes

You didn't see him again until next Friday night. You were now three shots in, dancing with a random person whose name they’ve mentioned three times but you can’t seem to retain.

Your eyes wander, hovering up to the v.i.p. loft; to all the ‘somebodies’ of this god awful city. You lock eyes with a familiar face, golden irises reflecting the club lights. He had been watching you for sometime now. He had noticed you earlier as you got hit on by some loser at the bar when all you were trying to do was get yourself a drink, but Mr. Pushy’s face was just begging to be baptized in tequila and lime. He grinned to himself, admiring your bold rejection.

You saw that cocky smirk. Even from afar it still took up most of his dumb features. You rolled your eyes and tried to ignore the way his gaze taunted you. Not giving him the pleasure of watching you any longer, you made your way to the exit. Shifting your way through the stifling crowd, you intended to gain some fresh air from the cold outside.

You lit a cigarette once your feet hit the sidewalk, taking in a deep inhale to calm your nerves. Collecting your drunken thoughts together for a decision, either try a different club or go home. No, you knew exactly where you wanted to be.

.

.

He lost sight of you in the sea of intoxication. He leaned forward in his chair, as if moving slightly closer would help him focus on your silhouette.

“What's got your panties in a knot, pigeon?” He was questioned by his friend sitting across from him. Tall, scarred, handsome, and looking like he wanted to be anywhere else, he was starting to get annoyed from watching Hawks watch you for half the night. Annoyed that Hawks had called him to this stupid club for a meeting and is now wasting his time fawning over some bitch.

“None of your business Dabi,” Hawks returned his attention to him.

“You’re absolutely fucking right, Pigeon,” Dabi chuckled to himself, leaning towards Hawks to make sure he kept his attention this time. “Here’s my fucking business,” Dabi slid an envelope on the table in between them. “Don’t forget your end of the deal.”

“I won't.” Hawks locked his jaw, shoving the envelope in his jacket pocket and looking back out to the crowd. “Now if you’ll excuse me,” Hawks stood up, making brief eye contact with Dabi, before turning to leave the club

.

.

It took you longer to gain access to the rooftop than expected. Must be the drinks. You stumbled your way across the roof seeking therapy from that familiar ledge you threw yourself from last week.

Stopping dead in your tracks when you heard that irritating sound of giant wings slapping the air.

Not him again.

“Here to kill my vibe?” you didn't bother to turn and face him, smirking to yourself.

“Just making sure you don’t do anything stupid, princess,” his voice was soft and kind. Not at all matching the energy you were giving.

Here he goes again, pretending to be ‘heroic’, you thought to yourself.

“Oh?” You turn your head aside to look at him, flashing a coy smile. Your eyes caught his and, in a fleeting second, tossed him a look that screamed test me. “You mean like this?”

You took off in a dead sprint, straight for the edge. You pushed yourself as fast as you could, willing your legs to go even further beyond their limits. You had to move, had to escape before those damned false memories could return, before he could grab you.

Before your doubts csught up to you…

You dived over the edge.

This time, he couldn’t react fast enough.

Hawks stumbled forward before leaping into flight. Reaching out his hand to attempt to grab your ankle, just seconds out of reach.

That feeling of fear and excitement has overtaken your body again.

The wind stung your open eyes, as you watched the cars and people below grow larger as you fell faster. Your hands extended desperately, willing yourself to reach your desired goal.

Smiling…

so close

You were almost there….

[fyodior]

Hi my favorite little horn-whore it’s me again why? Because I’m sick and in the doctors office and what’s a more appropriate place to submit nsfw headcanons about a fictional character, than a doctors office?

Dazai osamu

•oh babe lemme tell you something…he’s a slut just a little bit. He knows what he’s doing.

•tries anything at least once like the amount things he’s done is WILD

• he likes food play he thinks it’s hot to see you covered in white cream. He makes an embarrassing game, called My cream or whip cream? (LMAO) oh god this man loves body shots. He canonly likes alcohol and drinks quite often. So you bet this is something that gets him going.

•eats it like it’s his last meal, because it just might be. Look he knows his suicide attempts could end his life ( I sound dumb) anyways that’s why he wants to make his possible last meal last and be memorable. Will not stop for a good hour, his jaw will hurt but it worth it.

•oh Jesus overstimulation is something he’s a pro at. He loves seeing you and feeling it himself. When I tell you his moans are the hottest things you’ll hear I mean it.

•choke him he loves it so much, he’s hard within seconds of you doing it

•has been pegged! He liked it although it’s also like a he needs you tell him you want to do it. Lmao. He becomes a mess though. Whimpering, begging, drool, it’s hot tbh

•he’s a fucking beast. Like suddenly his stamina is 50x what it used to be. He will make you cry and yes maybe he’s turned over a new leaf but something about you crying really gets him going. He’s mean and teasing and really wants to just fuck you dumb. He likes when you can barely talk and you’re just moaning like some pornstar.

•speaking of pornstar, at some point he’s defiant filmed you two together, maybe more than once depending on your standing with the idea. He loves getting off to the videos or pictures of you, it definitely does something to him just can’t explain.

•he’s into more of the kinkier side of things wax play, bondage, breath play the list goes on. Dazai is very sporadic at times so it can vary on plains sweet romantic, to oh wow you’re not getting into heaven after he’s done with you

Speaking of heaven

•Dazai will certainly take you there and back and than be like “good game bro🤩🤚”

-🪱

Basic smutty stuff lmao also I need to take antibiotics for three weeks 😜

BABE WAKE UP 🪱 ANON IS BACK!!!!!!

FIRST OF ALL I BETTER BE UR ONE AND ONLY FAV HORN WHORE

MY CREAM OR WHIPPED CREAM I CANNOT CJSBDKDBAKFBAKDK

i loooove the idea of him videoing you two and like making its sooo dramatic and porn-y like that needs to be one hell of a video

GOOD GAME BRO HE SO WOULD SJCBSKFNS

you’re so good at this idk how you come up with this many hcs at once 😭😭😭 im in awe

[taketheringtolohac]

i 100% believe miles comes out on tumblr like after rise of the ashes or something and everyone rejoices (this headcanon is sheer fucking gold btw)

Oh dear you’ve activated my trap card for this hc get ready for this because i definitely agree that Miles coming out is CELEBRATED on tumblr however it’s a LONG journey before he gets there. Before I get into it though there is a cw for briefly talking about suicide so please be mindful of that! It’s mostly in the context of the note post RFTA and people speculating what happened to Miles in his disappearance from tumblr, but I do talk about it so.

Ok here we go

So Miles is well known as That Guy on Steel Samurai tumblr who is absolutely insufferable to interact with but he writes good meta and writes even BETTER fics, but it’s the kind where something is obviously going on in this guys life and is he ok? Because it seems like he’s working through some shit and that combined with his ask answering sprees of outright denying he’s gay and just talking Like That on the internet people get a kick out of him and he’s JUST tolerable enough that people don’t really DO anything about it. He probably gets a call out post maybe like one time but it’s just by some rando who’s pretty new to the fandom and doesn’t get the sort of unspoken agreement steel samurai collective fandom has made to just put up with him despite him being absolutely dreadful.

But then all of a sudden Miles just... disappears one day out of nowhere. At first it’s just a day, then a day turns into a week, and a week turns into a month and people are like what the fuck? What happened to the iq of 127 guy? And people start writing WILD theories about what happened to him to chase him off the website because it’s like, 2016. But people start to get WORRIED when his longest running fic Updates it’s FINAL(!?) chapter and he just... kills off the Evil Magistrate. That’s when people are like oh my god did he? Did he fucking kick the bucket? Oh my god what the hell and he is just absolute radio silence on tumblr because surprise! He leaves the note in his office and then he also decides to leave tumblr at the same time because he really genuinely thinks that this is it for him.

HOWEVER. Miles also has a best friend in the Steel Samurai fandom. Someone who he met on tumblr years ago and who he enjoyed debating and conversing with who he thinks has very well thought out opinions on the show even if he doesn’t agree with all of them (he does agree with most of their points, which is why he was so open to their friendship in the first place). And they’re the ONLY person who he keeps in contact with while he’s in Europe finding himself after his breakdown.

That person is Maya Fey.

He and Maya became friends years ago and neither of them know who each other are or how old they are or really anything about each other except their screen names and more personal details that they choose to share over kik, which Miles only got because he was curious to know more about her and it was the only platform she offered. She was very hesitant about choosing to become his friend, but Maya’s fixer complex told her wow this is a broken man, maybe IM the one who’s gonna make him a better person and make him less awful. And for the first few years this had minimal success. She got him to say a few more slang terms, but really he didn’t change all that much. But she was consistently kind to him! And once you got to know him he really isn’t that bad, especially in those rare moments of emotional vulnerability he allowed himself (he was too afraid of being “found out” even though he had moved out years ago) and he could actually be a pretty fun guy.

It isn’t until Miles’s year in Europe when things really start to change. He had a very vocal crisis to her over kik that kinda freaked both of them out, and as I mentioned he stopped using tumblr entirely and Maya gets WORRIED about him and he just. Starts telling her stuff because he’s emotional. It’s the most he’s EVER told her and it’s still nothing TOO revealing because he knows how public his image is and he doesn’t want ANYONE, not even who he considers to be his closest friend, to find out who he is online because he doesn’t want to be seen as unprofessional or just general shame about his hobbies. And over the course of that year they just... slowly she keeps beating it into his head that he’s a good person! Or at the very least a FINE one who is trying to be good and that’s all that matters. And like he starts to just... internalize it. And starts listening to her advice about maybe going to therapy. And then HE starts listening to HER problems more and it becomes... a more mutual friendship. And it’s nice because he’s never had anyone like that! But he keeps talking about this guy who saved him and stuff and that’s when Maya is like woah pump the breaks dude we need to talk about how you’re definitely gay and he gets SUPER defensive about it but like over time he just. He starts to come to terms with it, and she helps him a lot but he does a lot of that work himself too.

And so when he comes back in 2-4 he’s starting to feel... better of course but also different? And more confident in himself. He still has a long way to go but he’s learning! And that’s what matters to him! But with learning and trying to be better he realizes something. He has to log back onto tumblr and actually like, apologize for being horrible. And he does just that. But when he logs back on he’s SHOCKED that he has HUNDREDS of asks a lot of them are the usual but a lot of them are also ones of like, GENUINE concern asking if he was ok and if he was still alive and he’s taken aback that people even SENT HIM kind asks when he was so awful to them.

Miles makes a really long apology/announcement post where he’s INCREDIBLY sincere and in it he OPENLY acknowledges that he was dealing with a lot of unresolved trauma and says something about how he came to terms with being gay in his absence and he thinks that that’ll be the end of it but within literal MINUTES of him posting that he’s getting asks telling him how HAPPY THEY ARE that he’s not only ok and doing better but that he came out and people WELCOMING him to the community and then there’s like posts that are like “And people then make posts like wow am I the only one who got emotional about the guy with a iq of 127s thank you post? anyone else? Just me? Ok (12.6k notes)” and “If the 127 iq guy can get better and learn to work towards being positive then you can too (54.9k notes)” within a matter of DAYS and seeing those and just

It’s weirdly SO validating for him that he was being cheered on by literally THOUSANDS of people who are celebrating his growth as a person! That are celebrating his COMING OUT when he was SO scared of that part of himself for SO long. And the fact that people were ROOTING FOR HIM even when he was the actual worst just. It makes him feel so good about himself and it makes him feel loved! So much so that he writes ANOTHER post thanking everyone for being so kind to him and telling them that things DO get better and there ARE people that appreciate them and it just... gets passed around because it’s a really inspiring and reassuring message and people just GENUINELY start to appreciate him. And it’s just a celebration of HIS character growth by THOUSANDS of people he doesn’t even know because man was he famous outside of his perceived sphere of influence due to the amount of meme material he ended up writing.

He still used tumblr and stuff after all this but he’s really calmed down a lot, he even rewrites the ending of his long running fic that caused people to panic about him. And he still answers asks and writes meta and fics and stuff, and he’s still MILES of course so he can be a bit of an ass when you disagree with him but he’s. Nicer. And happier. And that’s what matters.

[thehardkandy]

ive noted the few years how i wear headphones wayyyyyy less than i used to which is clearly like. representation of how im doin' better & finding it easier to connect w/ the world

but this week i guess im doing a fun deep dive back into it because turns out so far all this cottage trip has done is fuck w/ my emotions & so ive been falling back on headphones more in a day than i have in a long time to manage those emotions

like, i think it's more or less to keep my anger from boiling over. when things Aren't Working for me, my default emotion is anger. but of course that is very hurtful to people around me, so music can be a much easier way to mediate the internal vs external by puttin the wall up

it's neat to know! but i wish i wasnt able to study it so fucking closely because god i wish i was anywhere was here.

getting here last night i was like. oh i think i have some. crying emotions. but because i was trying to be Normal and settle in with everyone else i defaulted to another thing: denying myself any motion

that's something my psych had been like "hey i think sometimes to try and avoid panic attacks you just stop being able to move at all" and it was really clear last night how accurate that is since i was just like. if i move from the exact spot on the couch--if i utter a single word out loud--i will start sobbing.

and spoilers, i had to get up to take my evening drugs (several hours late, tho it's just spiro so w/e), the second i got into my room & closed the door i did in fact start sobbing uncontrollably, which hasn't happened in several months (like, 2020 probably).

it didn't help that my mom kept mocking me (she probably thought it was playful, but it wasnt good for the mood) since one of my stuffed animals got dirty + covered in rust cause someone just stuffed it under a bunch of fucking weightlifting equipment and i KNOW! I KNOW!!! it's not a big deal. but to have the first thing i do when i step inside was to have one of my safety nets feel "dirty" wasnt good. and she did the exact same thing (literally like "aw poor baby's [blank] isn't [blank]") about half an hour later when i was laying on the couch trying to stop myself from having my meltdown

today's emotions haven't been much better. ive changed so much, but nothing here has changed enough. the last time i was here it was 2019. andrew was with his ex, and every time a bag of chips crinkled my entire body would twitch

all ive fucking done is pace up and down the cottage and feel like shit

im hoping im going to settle in. i really really hope. but this has made for an absolutely miserable start that is making my emotions about every single other thing spiral (think about date, i feel worthless; fail to fix a programming problem, i feel worthless; fail to relax, surprise, i feel worthless!) and this is the stuff that feeds all back into suicidal ideation. mind you, that is only at the periphery but because of, idk, My Whole Life, that is sort of a default feeling and emotion too whenever anything becomes overwhelming--things get hard or Too Much, and i daydream about dying.

and so trying to manage all these little emotions are hard. i am absolutely certain this is just a bump in a road--like, all this post is to say is "i understand what is happening to me and why which means i can weather the storm, im just frustrated that I can't do much to stop it all together"

i miss my apartment--just typing that has my me start Crying Lite(TM). and so im sure that TOO is a part of covid both being a blessing and a curse--i got such a good habit and routine that felt so comfortable and predictable that now any changes too it are far more difficult to deal with than anticipated. it's a sort of comfort at the expense of flexibility

and so it's annoying. i cant meaningfully talk about this because the emotions i am feeling the biggest (sadness, frustration, restlessness, worthlessness, SI) aren't "real". They are products of my brains inflexibility and tendencies toward extremes. They are not in any way an accurate representation of what is happening in my life.

and so to talk about it to anyone is meaningless because it's not something that can be solved that way and asking for help makes me feel worse 99 times out of 100--because i know whether i ask for help or not, ill make it through it. and when i come through to my good mood, this mood right will be overshadowed by the good so much that ill feel stupid & attention seeking for even having considered i need help

so yeah. i think ive gotten it all figured it out. still miserable about it though & i would kill to be back in TO

[jean----ralphio]

IT’S BoB LIVEBLOG TIME

Episode 1 is under the cut!

Warning, I swear a lot... and am very in love with RSJ so a lot of this was just me pointing at the screen and screaming RICH and then remembering you can’t see me so writing it down...

Episode 1: Curahee! Curaahhee? Curraahhee? I can’t spell so I’m renaming it Ross is a punk bitch

Buckle up my babies, this will be a carcrash!

00:01 Here we fucking go aw yis

00:11 Aw who’s this? I wish they named the gentlemen at the start of the episodes, I wanna know who is who :s

00:25 Shifty, is that you my angel son?

00:41 OMG you guys… these men are breaking my heart </3

01:06 Lord, men were committing suicide because they couldn’t go to fight? That mentality… man. Oh my God, you angels. Babies.

01:36 No jokes allowed, every man is <3

01:40 Now that I’m humbled and we’re all well and truly miserable…the credits, ugh, my heart. The score is amaziiiing. Some of the footage is actual war-time footage, I read, which is a brilliant touch.

02:01 DICK <3

02:13 DICK’S HUSBAND <3

02:18 RSJ’S NAAAAAME

02:27 JFC this music makes me so emotional. Look there’s Matthew Settle’s face. That makes me emotional too

02:48 Ah it’s Roe <3

03:48 I’m trying to pick them all out in the line-up but I can’t tell who is who. Are we supposed to be able to? There’s a short one in the middle, is that Harry?

03:49 I’m not drunk enough to handle this

04:10 Upottery? Ah it’s so English I love it. That’s not a name! Wtf is up with English place-names, you guys have the weirdest names. Upottery? Seriously? Is it only potters that live there? I’m so confused

04:22 Close up of Roe! Perfect. I approve.

04:32 Is that the guy from Line of Duty? I think it is

04:39 Lip <3

04:44 Ew. GTFO Cobb. He doesn’t even go here

04:47 IS THAT RICH? RICH. ILY. ILY RICH. Please note that 94% of this will be a Rich-watch

04:53 Lieb stop. I am sure you are not a certified hairdresser

04:56 RICH. SMOKING. SMOKING RICH. More like smoking hot do you see what I did there?

05:20 I can categorically say that I love Joe Toye. I do. I love him. But every time I see Kirk Acevedo, all I think of is Charlie my baby from Fringe (awesome show, please watch it). And I just. Charlieee <3

05:39 Aw. They’re so sad

05:55 They’re so despondent. Guys. It’s fine

06:05 Fassy?? FASSY!!

06:18 God Damien is pretty

06:25 Nix that’s not how you flirt

06:57 Lol at Dick noting its happy hour. Thinking about taking Nix on a date, are we? I bet you are. Now THAT is how you flirt!

07:24 OMG the fucking flirting! GUYS. “And give up all this?” NIX SAYS AS HE CHECKS HIM OUT

07:37 Yeah, Nix, you’ll take him ‘to Chicago’ huh? Is that what they call it nowadays.

07:44 Do you want to be that cigarette? ‘Cos there is nothing heterosexual about that lingering look, Dick

08:18 ‘Murica time

08:25 Ross, fuck off. Nice jacket though. “You PEOPLE are at the position of attention” ugh GTFO. Dick’s sideye tho lol

08:52 NGL Ross does a great job at being super unlikeable

09:05 Noooo you don’t want it with Johnny Martin. You wont win. Yeah, walk away Ross

09:15 Careful around Lip too, or Speirs will materialize out of thin air and snap your neck

09:33 RICH. Don’t be scared of that douchebag, baby

09:43 What kind of question is that, there is nothing Lieb wants more!

09:50 It’s weird hearing Ross swear tho

10:26 Don’t argue with Johnny, baby. Also Roe OMG <3 Shane is freaking fit

10:43 Wow Lip is ripped

10:48 Oh no, poor baby. Lip leave him be ☹ </3

11:10 LOL I just noticed the drum by the door. It says ‘butts’ and it took me a seconds to realise it was for cigarettes. I am an adult (31-year-old married woman). I’ll laugh at the word butts if I want.

11:11 RICH

11:18 Lieb omg lol

11:39 RICH BABY NO! FUCK OFF ROSS! LEAVE HIM ALONE OR I WILL HAVE SPEIRS CUT YOU

11:52 I can’t take Ross seriously in those shorts. Hi-ho GTFO

12:07 Ew fuck off running up that, I’d just nope out like nah babe imma go chill with that sweet baby back in the butts cabin

12:18 Aw Dick <3 The juxtaposition of Dick as a leader compared to Sobel who sure he might be honing them into something formidable and skilled but he’s an asshole. He’s not a leader. He’s a bullying, abusive scumbag. Dick is an actual leader who protects them and supports them and encourages them and IHAVEALOTOFFEELINGSOK

12:43 You don’t deserve that sick jacket, Ross. Seriously. That is a boss jacket, I want it

13:04 Have they not stopped fucking working out all this time? Ugh

13:23 Oh good, Dick gets a boss jacket too. He deserves it.

13:30 I wish people had to ask me for permission to speak.

13:53 I just. He. I can’t with Dick Winters, you guys. I cannot. I have lost the ability to can. Like they’re so upset and tired and low and just with that little joke he boosts their morale back up from where Sobel fucking beat it down into the mud and makes everything lighter and they laugh and are less tense and I just. Fucking love you, Dick.

14:00 Is that my angel son? I see you Shifty, love you baby

14:03 RICH. DON’T TOUCH MY RICH.

14:07 Oh my God, address them yourself you weirdo, Ross. They’re right there, you’re right there! I had a colleague that used to do the same, would get me to speak to my employees for her when they were right there in front of her like… ‘can you tell x to do y for me pls…’ … I was like wtf you know you CAN talk to them… you won’t catch poor just by speaking to people lower down the pecking order

14:22 Fassy! Wtf they’re not supposed to drink? Dehydration is legit one of the most dangerous things, how tf can you turn them into high-key supersoldiers if they’re dehydrated? How is this man so dumb? The guy in front of Fassy tho omg. I bet Fassy’s boss wife Alicia Vikander won’t like her husband being treated that way… she’s so badass tho right?

14:26 He’s so dramatic! Ugh

15:11 Piss off omg

15:24 oh my DVD flipped its shit here, only picked back up at 16:30 don’t @ me

16:52 RICH WHAT ARE THEY DOING TO YOU RICH

17:21 Shifty my angel son

17:46 so sweet

18:04 Sink, babe, no he is the worst, stop

18:20 LOL no, he’s jel as fuck babe

18:32 NO FUN ALLOWED. Im sorry, that tie is so ugly

18:44 Simon Pegg??!!

18:51 Ross is so dramatic God shut up. it’s not a conspiracy, weirdo

19:10 “It’s a can of peaces, sir.” Iconic.

19:11 Dick’s tiny smile is equally iconic.

19:17 SHUT UP ROSS

19:44 He wants to be punched, I think, like he’s goading them. The sick fuck.

20:47 DON’T TRUST HIM, DICK!

21:02 ROE <3

21:31 Hoobler, aw <3

21:37 I warned you not to trust him, boys

21:54 Ah boys, oh no

22:04 RICH. Kick him, baby

22:17 Bull, punch him, seriously

22:24 Oh Luz <3

22:26 Yeah GTFO, suck it, bitch

23:06 Who is this? Fella’s hot

23:40 RICH. FASSY. WEB. TAB.

24:19 Suck it, Ross

24:30 Real footage?

24:41 Lol you suck Ross

25:23 RICH. SMOKING RICH.

25:26 Bill omg

25:45 Perco, baby, no. don’t talk to Johnny Martin. Don’t look at Johnny Martin. Don’t so much as think about Johnny Martin. He will fuck you up with his gaze alone, baby

25:56 Ah Luz

26:06 OK. That’s hot. Joe/Charlie don’t be hot. It confuses me

26:42 Winnix being husbands in the corner

27:42 YOU’RE in the wrong position, dumbass, it’s no one else’s fault

27:46 Dick’s come to save the day

27:56 Ross knows nothing omg

28:05 RICH. Even my Rich is confused, Ross, you dweeb

28:20 Lol at Dick dropping down ready for a fight

28:36 Fassy isn’t happy. That means Alicia Vikander is coming for you. Joe/Charlie is definitely not happy. Lip is upset. Think about your life, Ross, think about your choices. You know you’ve failed when Roe is judging you

28:57 Nix is like lol where tf is the alcohol tho

28:59 Harry! Harry is here! But yes, baby, you’re interrupting the husband’s foreplay, leave immediately

30:00 Lol at the Nix vs Ross staredown. Nix won

30:17 RICH. GUYS IT’S RICH

30:33 Do it, Lieb. Drop the grenade. Just don’t upset my angel son Shifty

30:40 He is a literal angel. Don’t corrupt him Lieb

30:59 Nix is having another crack at flirting. “Going my way” so suave omg. Omg stop. No wait don’t

31:09 “I’m not the intelligence officer.” Neither is Nix half the time babe let’s be fair

31:14 “If I told you I’d have to kill you.” Nix is getting better at flirting! He’s been attending flirting 101 classes it seems

31:40 They’re legit such husbands prove me wrong

32:00 He’s not joking, Dick

32:06 Harry’s like oh yay yes please

32:11 Lol Nix

33:03 Ugh. Men. I feel like that hold smells so bad.

33:09 RICH. Naw, Rich is sad he’s missing out on the flamingos.

33:32 Joe/Charlie you deserve a day to commemorate you tbh. I love you.

33:46 “My brother’s in North Africa, he says it’s hot.” Bill is iconic.

34:34 Lieb, honey, don’t, please

34:49 I feel you, random hot guy. Tipper?

35:05 Eyyy this place is nice, let’s all move there.

35:17 Shifty, my angel son, my baby <3

35:26 Yay, Harry gets a boss jacket too!

36:22 Mum and Dad of Easy. I’m low-key living for Lip’s little worried faces.

36:33 THAT JACKET IS SICK AS FUCK I WANT 20

36:38 The fence is there, Ross, because you’re so fucking dumb

36:51 Guys, look, cows

37:06 He’s fucking useless. Hi Simon Pegg.

37:22 RICH

37:25 This whole scene gives me life and waters my crop

37:31 RICH <3. YOU GUYS. I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH. RICH RICH RICCCCHHHH

37:42 Poor Tip is so done

37:58 Simon Pegg is so confused

38:04 Good job, Tipper, I’m proud of you and your pretty face

38:10 Iconic

38:15 Keep it together Tip

38:54 The hand signals, no, I’d be like BABY. WHAT. I CAN’T UNDERSTAND YOU WTF. I’d last like a millisecond in the military lmao. Does my country even have one? Tbh probably not. Us Kiwis are too chill, cbf’ed with anything. Too busy watching rugby, drinking, and sulking that we can’t afford houses cos our housing market is fucked. But at least we beat Covid *shrugs*

39:06 ILY, old guy. You are the best thing in this episode, aside from Rich

39:22 But wait, there’s more weird Americans hopping out yo’ bushes

39:26 “Bloody hell!” Mood

39:47 “You’ve done it now, yanks, you’ve captured me!” He is such a mood. I love him.

39:54 FUCK OFF ROSS. “Would that be the enemy?” “As a matter of fact, yes.” DICK IS SO VALID I LOVE HIM THIS IS ICONIC.

40:25 Be free, moo-cows

40:40 LAMO GET WRECKED

41:00 Guys imma be straight with you. I’m on my third whiskey lmao.

41:10 Simon Pegg, please refrain from being a douchebag. Leave Dick and his husband to flirt in peace.

41:23 I love how Nix is like instantly suspicious. He knows.

41:39 Worried husband

41:45 “Misspelled court-marital.” Iconic

42:14 Ross, why you lying? So threatened and jel that you gotta lie omg.

42:50 God Damien is freaking hot. Guys.

42:57 Punk bitch Ross.

43:22 Dick is so BDE. It’s fucking hot.

43:30 Ross is shooketh tbh. Punk bitch.

43:36 AH! IT IS HIM! THE GUY FROM LINE OF DUTY S5!

43:50 That underbite must have hurt FJH a lot omg so committed.

44:02 Hey Lip <3

44:09 Johnny Martin has absolute BDE

44:22 God they’re willing to be killed just to not follow Ross. Same tbh.

44:57 This whole scene is BDE.

46:00 But Sink has the most BDE let’s be honest

46:44 The respect for Dick. Even after what they just went through. I AM EMOTIONAL.

46:58 He’s so worried like omg what have my troublesome sons done now

47:09 ROSS WHY YOU ALWAYS LYING??

48:09 Weak

48:24 Yeah, fuck off back to ‘Murica

48:34 Legit, can we acknowledge Ross did a great job (the actor). Really really well done, one of the best performances on the series tbh.

49:48 LMAO GET WRECKED PUNK BITCH

50:06 Dick just wanders about a lot on his own, huh?

50:50 What? What? I understand nothing of what the cockney guy is saying.

50:55 Me too, Hoob, the fuck.

51:00 RICH I SAW YOU

52:19 “Never put yourself in a position where you can take from these men.” Don’t omg I can’t, Dick, I’m weak, I can’t deal with these fucking feelings.

52:36 DAFUQ

52:40 OHHHH I get it. Right. Dick, you’re so smart. It’s a little sad they have to do all that just to get some answers and guidance but tbh it’s probably fair? Gotta be top secret so punk bitches like Ross can’t screw things up.

53:30 Hey Nix. Speak French to me any day.

53:48 Unf.

54:08 LMAO Lieb, how many cigarettes do you need!

54:10 NGL I paused here for a little while.

55:05 We could ALL use some brass knuckles, Joe/Charlie. Mood.

55:25 LOL Lieb is so nosy.

56:15 Oh no

57:00 Luz LMAO

57:10 Oh babies

57:13 Bill LMAO that’s not ice cream, yuck it looks like soup

57:28 God. All that effort. Not just logistically but emotionally, mentally, psychologically, to prepare, just to have it put off. Fuck.

57:38 That movie again. Poor boys.

57:47 That’s actually a really smart move, Johnny.

58:41 Oh no. I would lose it completely. Oh Bill </3

59:11 Naw, Dick dawdling around again

59:49 RICH I SEE YOU

1:00:08 AAAHHHH IT’S TOO CONFRONTING DON’T

1:00:48 NOOO I CAN’T aw Bill

1:01:09 Naww

1:01:16 RIIIIICH

1:01:20 It’s like they’re kiddies on a field trip and Dick is the teacher wrangling them lol

1:01:47 Lol their crap is so heavy Dick has to help pull them up. That’s actually really sweet.

1:01:51 I wish I could hold Rich’s hand

1:02:08 Oh God. I can’t. Like he’s helping them up BUT IT’S ALSO HIS WAY OF SAYING GOOD LUCK AND GOODBYE AND HAVING LIKE A MOMENT TO CONNECT WITH EACH OF THEM I CAN’T LIKE THE EYE CONTACT NO DICK STOP

1:02:19 LMAO at them having to shove each other into the plane

1:02:23 That look between him and Roe. Ugh. Like. You two gotta take care of your boys together. Brotp

1:03:22 Can someone explain the block on that guy’s helmet to me?

1:03:55 I’m sad. And scared. This series is so confronting. I’ve watched in annually since I was like 16 and I’m still so nervous for them.

1:05:37 Rich, I see you! I recognized his chin lmao

1:06:16 God, Dick be careful

1:10:00 This show. The feels. Every time.

[elliethesuperfruitlover]

tw/venting

so im once again randomly sad at 1:30 and honestly i hate it. i always seem to get really just down and upset during the early morning. (probably because i need to be sleeping) but this is stressful to be honest. im feeling a ton of guilt that i shouldnt even feel bad about. right, so we all know that im how old? a minor, and like.......im fine with that. im fine being this age. but like....i feel like im carrying feelings for things that dont even have to do with me. some people are like “yeah, i dont want minors interacting with my content” and for some reason, i always wonder if it has something to do with me. it doesn’t, but i feel this secondhand guilt for some reason, and it hurts. and i know it’s really selfish of me to do that, and im victimizing myself with this. i always obey the “MDNI” on people’s posts, but sometimes i feel like i did something bad. like with smut, specifically, i completely understand why people wouldn’t want minors interacting with that, it makes so much sense.

then i start feeling really upset about how i literally write smut, and read it. im starting to feel like there’s something wrong with me for having written smut, and had a specific audience read and react to it. i sometimes feel gross for just wanting to read smut. and a lot of the fandoms i read smut for may have the “MDNI” on it, which is fine, but after that, I feel this deep trench form, and it’s the worst thing. i just feel like im weird, and dirty for wanting to read smut about characters. and here comes the argument of me, a minor, reading smutty ass fanfiction about grown characters, in some scenarios. of course, i imagine myself older, above legal age, but that doesn’t stop the nasty feelings I feel. and with characters that are my age, or around my age, like with my hero academia, like sure, i crush on sero and everything, but i feel awful about reading smut for him. or even thinking about smutty things.

this also briefly dips into how i interact with my mutuals’ fics, particularly the smuttier ones. i think ‘oh god, am i being gross by interacting with this’ and i know that if they have an issue with me interacting with their fics, they would say it, clearly, and explain what needs to be explained. and i love that. but i always feel like im the weird one here, like im the odd one out, i guess because of my age. and i absolutely love and appreciate that they’ve created a safe space for me. it’s just an internal thing that’s really bothering me. and i absolutely love my mutuals as well. and i know that they also love and appreciate me, i guess i just feel that guilt.

and i know that it’s completely normal for kids my age, and teens to think about, and sometimes desire sexual things. and i know that it’s fine to explore those thoughts. sometimes, though, i just feel like im being a hypocrite. i. e. some shoes marketed towards teens, such as euphoria, and riverdale (off the top of my head, not biased) portray teenagers that might not be accurate. i don’t know what it’s like to be y’know present in a high school, and there, but for my own experiences, at least, i feel like it’s not true, or at least not in all of its glory. im like the outlier for a lot of that stuff. and i know it probably exists in some places, but i feel like this is how society views teens, and what they expect from us. i feel this odd pressure to be everything that society expects me not to be. and on some posts and stuff, i see what seems to be a bit of a disdain for kids of my generation, or at least gen z and i just kinda freeze and panic. i go “oh god, do they think this of me” “do they hate me” and i know that they don’t but it’s this lingering thought of “this is what they think of other kids in the same group as you”. i know it doesn’t represent the entire view but i just feel like i cant say anything, or bring it up. it makes me feel like im the problem.

anyway, i feel like i can’t do some of the things that i want because im scared of what people will think of me. like, sometimes i just feel hot, y’know and of course, send nice photos to a pal or two, but i’d never post that shit publicly. why, you might ask? because im a minor, and just because i feel nice about myself doesn’t mean that i need other ppl being gross about it. some people always say “these teens are always posting stuff all over social media. they share everything on there.” one, yes, we do, some people should know better. but also, two, this is new, people are being misled, mistakes are going to happen. plus, when you dont have that outlet to do other things, you go where you may feel safer to do something. it may not even be the best choice either. i agree that teens shouldnt post everything to social media, but i also believe that we should be allowed to make mistakes too? and have a bit of fun (where it’s morally correct, im not talking about driving people to suicide, or posting nudes (or semi-nudes on insta when you’re 13, that’s just wrong) anyways. i just feel like i cant do anything bc im gonna get shit for it, and further promote an agenda, but at this point im kinda starting to tear myself down about other people’s opinions, and that’s shitty.

also i feel like teens cant do shit in GENERAL, but that’s another conversation for another fucking day.

i always try to keep my opinions and everything at bay, because i hate when conflict is directed at me. and i dont like the panic of waiting for someone to text, or message me when i had what could be considered a hot take. i feel like i cant disagree, or think differently. or even sometimes just speak my mind because im scared of the repercussions. so i kinda just shut up, and stay in my little corner, and i absolutely hate that. but i also dont like being vocal about my opinions because of the fear that it produces.

and also sometimes some of the shit that people come up with im like......okay, i feel like i cant joke about. like when i talk about “MILF dennys” or “DILF buffalo wild wings” I DONT WANT TO BE A MILF, NOR A DILF. i dont even want kids, so ahaha. i say that shit as a joke.

kids, get future milf out of your bio, unless you put a “/j” or “/hj” after it. also, you don’t want to be a sex worker, or a stripper. im pro sex-work, but don’t look at that as your ONLY job option. that shit gets people killed, or tortured, and mistreated. if it’s a joke, it’s a joke, but it’s a dangerous choice, and it’s your grave bestie. and no, people contradicting you isn’t sexist, or misogynistic UNLESS IT’S LITERALLY THAT. people can be like “i think your opinion is a little harmful, ngl” and you can respond respectfully and be like “do tell, im open to  listen” and not go off about someone not supporting your choices. if it’s something that you can avoid, do it. IF IT’S ILLEGAL, DONT DO IT. like, prostitution is illegal where i live, so if yall try to do that shit, dont expect to be given special treatment. people already see kids, women, and sex workers as what? OBJECTS. you’re nothing to people who may be incarcerating you one minute, and calling you for a 5 minute hookup the next. it’s not empowerment to be on places, and letting yourself be groomed and taken advantage of by nasty ass people who need to be locked up. i understand that you should be able to do what you wan, and wear what you want, but there’s some disgusting people out here.

and it’s also the usual shit bothering me, the pandemic, school, my brother saying fatphobic stuff, yada yada. i want a HUG. and i need to sit in someone’s lap for god’s sake anyways.

im also pretty sure that it’s NOT normal to have this many extreme changes in mood. like i was fine earlier yesterday but as soon as i see one thing that hits too close, im upset so....anyways.

also yes i feel bad about this because i really need to talk to someone about these issues, instead of y’know, letting them pile up and haunt me until im emotionally unavailable because i hide my feelings. this is further promoting other people’s view of teens oversharing on social media. but to be honest, people are going to hate gen z, and teens for a lot of shit. and i cant stop them from doing that. i can, however, keep myself out of their line of sight and dont cause issues about it. anyways, im gonna go rewatch some invincible (wow 3rd time now). and try to keep my mind off of wanting to be in someone’s arms while we make out. :) 

[whetstonefires]

god i am OBSESSED with the idea of future sephiroth confronting gillian. does he already know she committed suicide when confronted by angeal and tries to plan around it or does he just. notice theres poison in her tea and. set it on fire or something. i have to admit i really enjoy sephiroths opinion on gillian in angels.

OH WOW this is a lot. Lol okay, I’m gonna put all these asks in one rather than stringing them out.

I’m not sure Sephiroth knows any details about what happened with Gillian, but he read the report where Zack presumably wrote down something about how Angeal seemed to have killed his own mom, and he got a sort of follow-up impression later from Angeal’s ghost on the general subject of suicide, so he knows what she did, very generally, and when, and what the fallout was.

I think this version of him is even more annoyed with her than he is in Angels in fact, because he knows for a fact her choice heavily influenced Angeal’s, so he’s going to tear into her about responsibility and abandonment and influence and stuff.

XD Probably going to get his own issues all over that one, too. Sephiroth...doesn’t compartmentalize well outside of his basic system of ‘all the feelings go in this box which I intend to leave closed and then someday die,’ which as we all know didn’t work out.

(I feel bad about Gillian in Angels, I totally had an opportunity to unfridge her and stuck her right back in the coldbox because I didn’t want to deal with her impact on the narrative beyond the established impact of fucking Angeal up worse, which I wanted to explore.)

ALSO elmyra is more put together right? like shes a functioning person? because i feel like her perspective on sephiroth and aerith stubbornly Not Acknowledging whatever the hell is going on would be really funny. at this rate im going to have to go hunt down playthroughs of ffvii and crisis core so i can write fanfic. i mean technically i could just write fanfic but it feels weird writing fic without having interacted with the source material at all 

Elmyra is a functioning adult yes but she is also very long in the habit of not prying into Aerith’s Weird. I honestly cannot guess what she’d do in that situation, we don’t see enough of her! I’d have to make it up.

...I feel like it’s likely being forcibly recontextualized would be likely to break her and Aerith out of their pattern of pretending nothing’s going on, since presumably Elmyra wasn’t in the habit of telling people a fraction as much about Aerith’s backstory as she unloads onto the party after her kid gets kidnapped by Turks.

And lmao I mean yes you can write fic based entirely on fic, this is a fandom where it’s pretty common, even. Personally I couldn’t bear to, I just didn’t feel I had a sufficient grasp. And I was right! The fandom incarnations are lacking. Once I had played through the OG I had so much more to say, and vastly more nuanced grasp of character.

Personally also I cannot endure game playthroughs? I get awful brain static trying. The pacing. The experience of being confronted with a UI that says I’m in control, but not having it. I die. But for people who enjoy them they should work fine!

Also last I checked the original FFVII was available on Steam for like $20? You could probably play it.

ALSO ALSO because my brain is a disaster of random connections i keep picturing an au of angels wherein both angeal and sephiroth have traveled back in time but they dont realize immediately that the other one is also back in time. because! i dont have any context or anything but if they ended up having the whole what would you want me to do if you went insane and tried to destroy the world conversation it would be hilarious. sephiroth, having every single mental breakdown imaginable: uh 

Hahaha AU crossing over one of my time travel AUs with the AU of my AU you previously proposed! Hmmmm yeah. I feel like they’d notice something was off before too long? But they might get to a version of the ‘what would you want me to do’ conversation lmao.

I think this Sephiroth would honestly give very intense and detailed instructions on how to shut him down and only then be like ‘why do you ask? what do you know.’

...if Angeal explained his timeline all the way up through Advent Children and DoC,  this version of Sephiroth would not take it well. 😞

also now im back around to thinking about angels and zack was first class when genesis started degrading so that's probably a ways off right? unless they find a way to avoid it entirely but. at least he'll be a bit less desperate when he defects? if he defects i guess but he's too dramatic to not defect. whats he supposed to do let angeal be the dramatic one?? also ALSO if angeal and sephiroth both traveled back in time i think that would make genesis the most stable member of their group. wild.

He was Second Class, actually! He’d been recommended for promotion but it hadn’t gone through. They ultimately moved him up to First for killing Angeal, if you can believe it. Ghoulish, huh?

Well, technically they mostly promoted him for killing Genesis, who was much more of a threat. But Genesis faked his death and Angeal didn’t, and it wasn’t not for killing Angeal. It was all the same mission. I have no idea how Zack copes so well.

But yeah, the officially released timeline for CC claims Angeal &co are only about four years older than Zack, but the timeframes presented in the actual games suggest Sephiroth should have died around age 25, which is far enough from 21 to make a difference, and fits their character designs better. So I’m treating them as being about eight years older, with Genesis as the oldest, so Angeal has about three and a half years to work with before degradation originally kicked in.

But the trigger for that wasn’t necessarily a certain amount of time, so he can’t count on that schedule.

What Angeal does have is a Lifestream-side perspective on how Genesis got healed the first time around, so he knows to focus on the spiritual end of things over Science, which he knows failed to help, and this ups his odds of doing something useful in a useful amount of time considerably.

XD Too dramatic not to defect. Well.

also back to the time travel au what would tseng even do about sephiroth kidnapping aerith?? like he was the main one watching her right?? hes just hanging out and then sephiroth??? oh now hes got aerith??? what is he doing??? whats tseng even supposed to do in that situation

I don’t believe they have the manpower to keep up a constant guard? Tseng certainly does do other things, they just. Check in on her sometimes.

I don’t think it was ever truly clarified in canon whether Tseng was covering for Aerith somehow all those years, finding some weird wiggle room in the phrasing of his orders so he could put off admitting he’d found her or taking her in indefinitely so long as he didn’t lose track of her and let her get away, or if Hojo knew where she was and was just like ‘whatever, I don’t need her back right now, just keep an eye on my specimen and make sure she doesn’t die or escape.’

So it’s hard to know what he would do when we don’t 100% know what his reasoning was for the things he already did, or what kind of oversight he’s dealing with! Tseng is a difficult character for that reason.

-

Also while I do like getting asks, you should feel free to mix the contact approach up a bit when you have this much to say! This was a lot of content for this format. 😂 Tumblr chat IMs still mostly work, and there’s a link to my Discord server from my author page on AO3, where we’d love to have you. (It was proposed for people to talk about my fic, but much more often we wind up talking ffvii meta lmao. This is like...the midpoint of those two subjects so.)

[drangues]

Oh, so like, they they can kinda,, Feel them, but painlessly? Assuming I’m understanding correctly- Like, there’s pressure, but it isn’t overwhelming??? I’m sorry I’m very tired and I don’t always understand well asdfghjkl,, But I DO understand that everyone knows Dazai is Dramatic, on and off the stage. It’s just How He Is and it’s hilarious. To be fair, it balances itself out with Oda’s big brother instinct rather well~ (Nyanon, 1/8)

Anyways, rocks are cool and I may or may not not have had a geology phase as a kid,, Also what kinda personality do you think a fusion of Dazai and Atsushi would have? I always think stuff like that is cool and I can’t stop thinking about it,, Especially because their outlooks are so different? Like, constant suicide attempts versus an adoration of the act of living- How do you think that’d work? How would that combine with, like, imploding or something? (Nyanon, 2/8)

Like, they think being alive is great, but they don’t deserve it, because their poor senses of self also fused??? I’m sorry I’m a nerd ignore meee- AND AAAHHH IM GLAD YOU LOVE IT CHUUATSU IS PROBABLY DAMN NEAR TIED WITH DAZATSU FOR ME BECAUSE,, THE POTENTIAL,,, Anyways, I could see Atsushi and Akutagawa being friends here!!! Both because of ages, like you said, but also because they’re seen as the next coming of Chuuya and Dazai so they end up working together a lot. (Nyanon, 3/8)

Of course, without the motivation of “Dazai’s Subordinate” Akutagawa had in canon (and BEAST but that’s another painful story), I think they’d get along much better. As for Dazai,, see I’m very torn because on the one hand I have a darker version of things where he ends up the villain because he goes Full Unhealthy Yandere for the For Atsushi because he’s Interesting and Nice, An seems he rarely gets either of those things, much less both, but. (Nyanon, 4/8)

I also have a fluffier version where they meet be chance, and Dazai doesn’t realize that Atsushi is Chuuya’s “amazingly adorable, better than you could ever do” new apprentice, and Atsushi doesn’t realize that Dazai is Chuuya’s “awful, bandage wasting mackerel that you shouldn’t associate with” partner. Shenanigans ensue when they somehow manage to become friends (and yes, in the version, Dazai is nicer to Akutagawa when he becomes his mentor because. Fluff. (Nyanon, 5/8)

It’s mafia but I want Fluff, damnit). Anyways yeah Chuuya can and will Throw Hands if Dazai so much as suggests anything abusive in Atsushi’s general direction. But, my rambling aside, here’s the next AU Concept: I call it the In the Beginning AU, and in it, Atsushi and one or two others are primordial deities from before their universe really existed? Only for Atsushi to nearly get killed by something that woke up when they started experimenting with their abilities. (Nyanon, 6/8)

Meanwhile, his partner(s) got severely injured, and all of them lost their memories and became human. I’m not certain of too much yet, outside of the primordials being based around the “Who/What/Where/When/Why” and the Bad Thing being the “How.” What they’re called, however, is more along the lines of “Us/This/Here/Now,” though I haven’t figured out the equivalent for Why and How yet... I’m tired hush. Anyways, some of the associations are cemented. (Nyanon, 7/8)

For example, Here and Now are Space and Time respectively, and Here is Atsushi before his memories left. I’m just torn on everything else, and who and what they’d be? Thoughts??? (Nyanon, 8/8)

yes theres pressure but painless!!and dont worry about it we all are there i mean im tired and doing my assignment rn AAAAAAAAAAAAA

a fusion of dazai and atsushi?? they would probably love living but not think theyre worth it and will probably be extremely polite and uptight with people they barely know but have the usual dazai antics around people theyre very close to (and shush im a nerd tOO)

I LIKE THE FLUFFIER VERSION MORE NGL- it would be so dramatic like romeo and juliet but in the end chuuya is like “*hard aggressive sighing* F I N E,,,,but if you FUCKING treat my baby wrong ill KILL you”

oh God okay okay lemme gather my Thoughts Here,,,,,us could be the,,,,Creations?? creations made?? and then Who/What/Where/When/Why i really have no clue there bro im so sorry

[mnogorgannik]

2 10 n 11 :)

this is basically an essay im so sorry. watch how hard i can infodump (ill put this under a cut hopefully it works bc sometimes tumblr decimates the keep reading things if theyre in asks)

2. Who’s your favorite of the Bound? What do you think of the different ideologies they have? Which of the factions are you most aligned with?

WE ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER I AM A PETER LOVER THROUGH AND THROUGH!!!!!! oh baby i love that morally questionable architect. pretty early on in getting into pathologic (it’s coming up on a year now...) i thought about peter stamatin too hard and now i’m here. but really i find him to be such a fascinating character!

the thing about pathologic that i love is how almost every character can be as complex as you want. pathologic does an excellent job of implying a lot of character traits while only exploring some in further detail, which in some games is frustrating but patho does it so well! it consistently hints at traits and lets you fill in the details yourself. peter’s character is extremely interesting to me... and maybe a little more relatable at times than i want to admit lol.

i think i’ll talk about both stamatins though! their dynamic hurts me a lot. i’ll start with andrey bc i’ve been thinking about him lately. although i’ll bounce back and forth between both stamatins.

i’ve said this before but i’ll say it again.... andrey’s role as a protector who inadvertently hurts the people he cares about really gets to me. he is not a shield but, in his own words, a battering ram. and the problem is that battering ram has a recoil.

i have to wonder how that mentality of his came about, anyways. the implication is that it’s always just been him and peter, so did he take on that role because there wasn’t anyone else to do it?

in his efforts to protect peter from... military, i believe, he kills four people. which leads to daniil getting mistaken for andrey, which leads to daniil getting shot. and almost dying. he protects peter but to a smothering extent, peter even says he’s been suffering for ten years bc of andrey which is a LOADED line. he protects on a physical level but he kinda fucks up on the emotional.

there’s a horrible irony in peter and eva being the people he cares about the most and both attempting suicide. with eva once she’s missing he immediately goes running off trying to look for her, and . ahh i can’t remember right off hand what exactly he thought happened. but ik he was probably expecting a fight. with peter he says that after that he’ll never let peter leave his side, at least “as far as his knife can fly”... it sounds cheesy but the one thing he can’t save anyone from is themself.

and god the way andrey bases his ENTIRE sense of self worth on peter fucking hurts. they’re not peter and andrey, the architects. they’re Peter And Andrey, The Architect. (thinking about “one architect, two brothers” here.) andrey thinks he’s larger than life and all but he’s constantly living in peter’s shadow. their theatre of death positions come to mind here, with peter standing up, looking down at andrey. but andrey is on his knees in front of peter, arms limp to his sides.... separated by a wooden beam...

peter’s side of this dynamic is fascinating too. his dependency on andrey is. ow. leaving all practical matters and decision making to him... there’s this resentment (That’s Fine I’ve Been Suffering For Ten Years Because Of Him) and lack of communication that especially shows through for him.

while in p2 andrey completely crumbles if peter dies, peter doesn’t seem to care...... at all....?? which hopefully is elaborated upon in p2. he’s willing to talk to aspity about worrying if andrey is angry with him but he can’t bring it up with andrey himself. when he asks how andrey is doing he stops and says andrey is a “tough man” and can handle anything. in general, while it’s definitely there for andrey, themes of dependency are really glaringly obvious for peter.

one of my favorite peter things i’ve talked about before is still his ego!!! peter has a gigantic ego!!! he really does think that even though he’s hit the ceiling and can’t go any further he is still “a true architect” and “the rock upon which is built the stairway to tomorrow”. he has a blunt edge to him and he doesn’t ever tell you more than he thinks he needs to which i love. if he doesn’t want to tell you something he isn’t gonna do it. this is a character trait i think ppl miss which is sad because it’s so good and adds another layer of depth to him!

it really does hurt me how he’s valued for his mind alone (AHEM AHEM AHEM. GEORGIY) but it’s the thing nobody understands about him. i’m nowhere near as smart as peter lol but i do know that pain of feeling like none of your ideas can be understood because you just can’t express them the way you’d like, and then feeling like you’ll never be able to make it happen.

also, here’s a little thing  i’ve picked up on. this connection probably doesn’t exist but i’m making it because the stamatins make me lose my mind and start becoming one of those people who looks for connections in everything i guess. peter standing in the theatre of death, andrey below him. peter’s loft being at a high point in the town, the broken heart being underground. peter’s loft is also higher north on the map but the broken heart is lower south. just smth interesting

i have more thoughts on them of course! but this is all getting awfully long. i feel like i’ve only just gotten to the tip of the iceberg  even though i’ve written so much skfjskfjs this just feels quite surface level or. at least what is surface level for me who thinks about the stamatins so hard.

anyways i’ll keep my answers to the other two parts of this question quick! peter and andrey’s more creative vs practical mindsets are rly neat. especially because i would actually argue peter is a little more grounded in reality in certain aspects. not all, but certain ones...... their take on the utopian ideology is interesting. hot take: peter’s version of utopianism leans a tad towards humility. and andrey /does/ feel “straightforward utopian” but i think in certain regards? this man has a bit of a termite streak..... (hi al if you’re reading this). but i won’t get into that right now i’ve already gone on so long. saving that for later.

i think all of the factions kinda suck in their own way sometimes, honestly? although all of them are well written and have their pros and cons. were i in pathologic and i had to choose one i’d probably be a termite but everyone around me seems to think i’m a utopian. is it bc i love peter so much

10. What would you be like as a Pathologic character?

this question is a hard one! i did make a self insert once, mile-a-minute, but they’ve become their own oc by now. i think i’d be very...... very afraid...... probably isolating myself why does every pathologic character break quarantine???? also you could trade beetles with me :) thats about all i’ve got sorry this is real short

11. What is something you would change, writing-wise, about either game?

UGH i’ve been gushing about pathologic because. obviously i love this game so much. but the way it handles racism & such (in both games!) leaves much to be desired :/

i see a lot of the points it’s trying to make but i think the way they’re handled can be very messy. there are moments that work very well but. a lot that don’t. (i am aware that dybowski writes partially from his own experiences)

all too often the game “validates” the kin’s oppression and... at times paints them as oddly antagonistic? i don’t like how often as artemy you’re able to be like “i’m not one of those beasts” and i think there are better ways to touch on his internalized racism. in general the constant comparisons to animals is weird. you get big vlad who is obviously explicitly racist comparing them to animals, but then sometimes it’s like “ACTUALLY calling them animals is fine :)”

i think the herb brides are kind of. Hm. in their portrayal. also using parts of the buryat alphabet to denote an accent is weird. making odongh and herb brides inhuman is weird. connecting the kin to Magic is weird.

and, listen, i’d really like to not be playing Artemy Burakh Experiences a Microaggression Simulator every time i’m playing the haruspex route. hate that you either can’t call ppl out on their shit or if you can it ends the conversation/bars you from getting necessary information. glad you at least get to drag the vlads, i guess?

i also was talking about this but wrt peter specifically, and this issue is present throughout the game but it’s especially visible with peter, i don’t like how often you can mock him for his addiction.

he’s obviously in an extremely rough patch! being able to be just so plain cruel to him about the dependency on alcohol (and iirc in p1 hallucinogens, bc aglaya mentions it) he’s formed to cope with his mental illness & trauma just feels bad. especially because yes it is not a healthy coping mechanism at all but... it still is a coping mechanism, if that makes sense?

the way you’re able to constantly rub it in his face feels awful. peter is fully aware that it isn’t good for him and shows a desire to quit. even if he didn’t it would still be awful to say because. it’s just insensitive. like you don’t just go up to someone and keep being like HEY YOU DRINK A LOT YOU SHOULD STOP DOING THAT DO YOU KNOW WHAT WATER IS? feels really bad to keep harping on something that causes him pain and that he struggles with every single day.

however peter does have moments where he tells you Not to say that, or if you pry into why he drinks he’ll outright say he doesn’t remember you being his friend, which is better than nothing.

in p1 moreso than p2 i hate how you can be like oh he’s craaaazy he’s off his rocker he’s delusional!!!! that “why, i never... an architect of schizophrenia!” comment sticks in my mind because it’s just... so genuinely mean. especially because if i remember correctly that line is from when he’s planning on LITERALLY FUCKING BURNING HIMSELF ALIVE

i think if they were going to have all of this they should have gone more in depth on how it’s really. not good that he’s treated so poorly. and i do believe that’s what they were going for, a la the art book w/ the whole “not to be made into a drunken clown, this is a tragic character”, etc. but it just doesn’t land. i’m holding out for the bachelor and changeling routes in p2 to see if they expand upon any of it but i highly doubt i’ll be satisfied in this regard.

i stand by the One time it was really fucking funny to clown on peter being the time you can tell him little girls eat raspberries and earthworms and he just believes you

[melto]

sorry fellas this is just gonna be me bitching about some threatre major stuff

im like. so extremely fucking upset right now like we open tomorrow and this show will almost be over and its like. i LOVE theatre. i love being a stage manager i love it so bad and i know what i have signed myself up for but the treatment of workers in the industry is unethical most times and it really does show bad in reference to being a student. like im so truly frustrated with the way that specifically production students in my college are treated because yes. we understand how much work goes into theatre but you CANNOT talk about how it is unfair and unethical and then as professors not do anything on the level you can to combat the systems in which have been in place. like its insane. literally during our 10/12 they talked about how tired the actors and like deck crew/board ops must be which. of course they are 10/12 are just inherently bad in my opinion and we shouldnt be doing them but they are saying this while there are still students stuck in the theatre at this fucking production meeting who have been there/will be there for at least 14 hours at that point. which is more than scheduled and more than any of the staff have been. we all also have work and class on top of this but they make jokes about how overworked we are to the point where it makes me want to fucking tear my hair out. like literally i havent slept or ate or drank hardly for like 2 weeks now and i wont be any better off for like another two and they KNOW this. like fucks sake a professor like walked in on my stress puking in a backroom after the dress last night because i was so fustrated and ill. literally they acknowlage how awful we look and seem and then act concerned before being like oh well<3 cool if you will be in the theatre doing lights until 2am when we joked about how fucking terrible you look. cool if we laugh at the production meeting about how i  almost passed out after standing up that night. lets point out and talk about where exactly they all saw me get so upset and overtired that i started crying on fucking headset uncontrolably because no one would give me the fucking answers i needed and then everyone was getting mad at me because i didnt have them. lets have you literallyhave to talk a student designer off a ledge because some hired grown man is overstepping and youre putting him before your students. 

literally like wooo we’re so cool and hardworking for mangaing to get a show done without theschool getting shut down and during all this c*vid shit. we shuldnt even be doing shows right now literally like the only theatre not dark rn in myarea is us. we’ve had like 7 scares and cases and the whole case admits that they keep partying and we just lost someone on crew today because of all of it and i just have to sit here and keep going because what the fuck else am i supposed to do? i can barely stand up for more than 5 minutes without almost vomiting and passing out right now and i can barely do anything for my other classes or work so im just taking fucking points off everything and i usually dont have issues with keeping up with stuff during all of this. like JESUS i feel so truly suicidal and its literally the only way out of this whole fucking mess until we close in a week and i wouldnt do that to my crew because god. im just so fucking ANGRY. i wouldnt be this fucking angry if my professors werent being so tactless with their words and actions. its BARELY treated as a learning environment for production students which is a whole different conversation about my gripes with how my college choses shows and treats stuff that honestly i could bitch abut for hours but GOD. literally all i do is cry and almost pass out every time i try to do anything right now and im STILL expected to be like emotionally stable through all of these even with people outside my deparemnt even when ive expressed why this specific process has been so hard. like FUCK i cannot ask for even the smallest adacomadation at all without it being an ordeal.couldnt even get myself moved to the booth a day early to help out with my anxiety of not wanting to be calling from house during an invited dress right now. im so tired. Im so tired the unethical work standards for the theatre industry arent even funny like STOP. tech is over so at least the student lx designer whos getting the fuck kicked out of them will be done but me and my team are still stuck here and if that fucking scenic designer whos also doing the stupid fucking video shit who is so fucking demeaning and someone i want to fucking beat the shit out of attempts to change anything during our final dress when all he does is make everything so much harder and then critizie me in front of eveyrone even though he just added like 20 super stupid and fucked up cues that are hard to call and no one gave me fucking time to dry tech them before we go into a run well. Well im gonna start killing people im gonna start swinging im just so FUSTRATED AND MAD GOD WWWHDFJHSKGJLFJKJGKJKJGFS

[laurenbanasik]

A wholesome meme, and I changed my lockscreen to a desert because my phone is DRYYYYY AS FUCKKKKING HELLLLLL. I rarely get contact from those I love because they’re far away and I’m p sure they have a secret group chat without me in it to make things easier without having to worry about inviting me since I live so far away and don’t want to burden me with not being able to spontaneously hang (which breaks my fucking heart but oh well 🙃) and if I’m wrong I suppose my extreme social paranoia has WON YET AGAIN OOOOPPPPSS. Well I’m emotionally overwhelmed and drunk so here’s another rant on how my life sucks and how I have such an issue telling other people about it because, due to years and years of emotional neglect, I have an INCREDIBLE INABILITY to confide in others healthily HAHAHHAHA. S/o to anyone who deems me a valid human being and god forbid chooses me for a friend.

Anywho, I’ve FINALLY realized why I fucking HATE to see my only friends hangout without me. MAYBE. JJJJUUSTT MAYBE, it has to do with the fact that the last time I saw my old high school friends (the 3 I held closest to my heart and confided everything in) hanging out without me on social media was also the same day they yote me out of their lives forever... More detail? I thought you’d never ask!! How kind of you to care about my innermost traumas and allow me to express myself, seeing as I’m an incredibly open book about my sorrows. Having anyone listen to them and make me feel like a person worthy of love and care despite my many faults is something that NEVER FUCKING HAPPENS to me anymore due to me not opening up, not having the emotional availability to, or I’m just SO SO SICK OF BURDENING MY LOVED ONES WITH THE SAME SAD SHIT OVER AND OVER AGAIN THAT IVE JUST SWALLOWED MY INNERMOST DEMONS TO AVOID FURTHER CONTAMINATION OF MY LIFES ONLY LIGHT AKA MY FRINDS WHO THINK IM FIIIINNNEEE. FUN FACT IM FUCKING NOOOTTTT !!!!

Anyways, it was the tail end of my senior year in high school and my 3 closest and bestest friends in the whole wide world.... posted on Snapchat that they’d met up, without me, and were doing some bs cutsey bff forever Pinterest bullshit. I asked why I wasn’t there , and they proceeded to mock me via social media and kindly let me know I was no longer their friend by dancing to the hook of “I don’t Fuck With You”. Visciously @-ing meover snapchat. I cried. And cried. And fuck it had an AWFUL panic attack because I had ABSOLUTELY NO GODDAMN Clue what was happening. I was Confused. Hurt. Lost. AND I had no idea what I did wrong. (I later learned it was because someone said that someone said that I Apparently said something mean about them. It wasn’t true but, hey, it’s probably because I’m SUCH a horrible friend, and SUCH a cunt that it was apparently SOOOO believeable that IT completely negated anything I could’ve said in my defense. Adding to my extreme social paranoia I hold near and dear to me to this day, that’s often exploited in most social interactions I have which has made me an almost total recluse! THANKS ABBIE, KOURTNEY, AND BRIDGETTE! FUCK IT ADD JESSICA AND KASEY IN THERE TOO ECWN THOUGH THEYD NEVER CALL ME THEIR FRIEND IN ANY HEALTHY CIRCUMSTANCE HAHA ! YAYYYY TORMENTORS !!!) .....

And that was the last I ever really had contact with them. My only friends throughout some of the most pivotal years of my life. One I talked out of suicide and self harm, another I assisted with confidence and general love and support, and I tried to be there for the third as best I could, but she was a typical badass so I just enjoyed her company. My high school friends. I gutted them out of my heart as best I could. Forgot all of the AMAZING times we’ve had. A great portion of my memories in high school were tossed out along with their presence in my life to make the pain go away. A huge part of me died that day ... and nobody knew about it.

So, now, whenever I’m excluded I’m immediately put back into that void of confusion. What did I do wrong ? Did I hurt them? Why am I not there ? Do they think that little of me? Do they know how much I love them? Do I care for them more than they do for me? Is this a healthy friendship? Do they really think I’d rather be anywhere than with them? Should I just cut them out of my heart now to be ready for eventual betrayal ? Do I cut them out of my soul despite how much I’ll bleed? Haha , Yeah. I know.... it’s tucked up and Toxic as all hell. But, I can’t even begin to imagine a conversation with anyone about their attempt to help me with THAT problem. Or any other problems resulting from that. And, a couple days ago... id met up with a friend I’ve had since middle school. Someone who I loved my life side by side with until college. Someone Who saw that entire exchange, and who is still friends with those who (knowingly/unknowingly) tormented me to the point of breaking all through high school in the most demented,confusing, and underhanded ways you can imagine. I told that story to her, because she never knew how me and my 3 friends drifted so far away from each other. She had JUST heard about ALL of that for the FIRST time in nearly 4 years. And she believed me.... The whole situation of my downfall as a respected senior at Euclid High School. A girl who I’ve shared more than half my life with at the time ... and it was invisible to her. Wild.

I have broken apart an old piece of myself. Analyzed every detail, despite how much each part made me bleed. These old shard rip open old scars. It’s nothing new. I’ve been living in confused, isolated pain for YEARS. You really think this will break me? .... I mean I’m already very much broken. I mean, look at me, I’m venting on tumblr 🙃😒🙄. I just keep making shifty shelters out of the broken pieces of myself, just waiting for the next wolf to blow me down. I may be living in fear and paranoia, but I’m still standing....... aren’t I ?

[rockettransman]

MANY THOUGHTS ABOUT ROCKETMAN

I HAVE SO MANY! HERE WE GO!

prelude: i went into this movie pretty jaded and not thinking i was gonna like it. in my head, i got john lennon and elton john confused. i was thinking it was about john lennon. “oh god, they made a movie about that prick?” further, i was already dreading it because they play EJ’s hits on the radio at work all the time, and frankly i was fucking sick of tiny dancer and im still standing. when i watched the trailer i was like “aw geez, elton john sings these? damn, i was hoping i could tolerate him at all.” so. not many high hopes for this movie.

that was until i was on a six hour flight from boston to portland, oregon, and i was delirious with pain and boredom. i was sat in the middle of a father and daughter, and so i really didn’t wanna pull out my laptop and get in their space. reading the subtitles from the office off the airplane tv made me sick. the lights were off and it was 2 am, so no reading. i. was. BORED. and then, i saw someone watching something in the row in front of me. where i was sitting i got a whole view of their screen. oh, they were watching that elton john movie. they didn’t have subtitles on, so i could only take from visual and context clues what was happening. it looked flashy, and oh-- that man just stared lovingly, tenderly into another man’s eyes. oh shit. oh yeah. elton is gay. 

now i’m hooked. if i’m anything, i’m a trans man in a desperate search for a complex queer romance movie. i wanted something that would pull on my heartstrings, that would wreck me emotionally with a high reward. suddenly elton is staring at himself in full garb, putting on and taking off his glasses. smiling then frowning. glasses on. smile. glasses off. scowl. oh he’s in distress. oh, is he snorting coke? okay, cool, tight.

from here on out, i watch the movie with (no audio) the predisposition that elton is in severe distress, dealing with drugs and self-sabotage all because his feelings and attraction towards men are confusing and frustrating and he doesn’t know how to cope with them. is he in denial? does he hate himself for it? does he try to make himself attracted to women? obviously, i was incorrect. elton was pretty secure in the fact that he was gay in his personal life. 

i think about rocketman for days until my flight back to sarasota. i decide to watch rocketman on the plane back instead of renting it. but for some reason, my goblin brain told me to rent it, and i did. but i ended up just watching it on the plane anyway.

i was disappointed. really, kinda bummed about it. every article and review said it was R for a reason. there was plenty sexual content and drugs to do elton’s real life comparison justice. in the movie i watched, i saw none of it. there was some drinking of alcohol, he took pills, it was implied he snorted coke. i saw no kissing, no intimacy, not even a tender hand on a cheek or embrace between elton and another man. this movie was praised for being so groundbreaking! for representing so much of what elton’s life was really like, with drugs and sex and all that. and now that i thought about it, i heard not one curse word. “bloody” was tossed around a lot, but that is used as an inflection. and during the pool scene before he throws himself in, when he meets john at the deck, he spits something about “his secretary shagging him in front of the pool boys.” that had me in utter confusion. there... was no one there with john? he was just sitting there? must’ve been something i missed.

SO IT TURNS OUT THE AIRPLANE’S VERSION OF THE MOVIE WAS HEAVILY CENSORED. i watched the real thing when i got home yesterday and was FLOORED by the differences in the same movie i had just watched. in the scene where elton remarks he’d like to change his name, they completely edited out the character behind him peeing into a glass bottle. they also cut out the scene where elton is staring at the performer, being yelled at to close the door, and the kiss where he’s pinned against the wall. holy fuck. i realized when i saw that, i had missed something MAJOR. this meant i was missing some MORE major explicit, probably important-to-the-plot-and-character-development stuff. oh, now i was excited. 

(we could talk all day about the fact that a single kiss between two men was cut because it was deemed “too explicit”, and in a movie about elton john being the ultimate irony)

the sex scene AND take me to the pilot were completely missing in the airplane version. i had no idea this song existed! oh my god, it was a banger! i cried tears of happiness during the song. holy shit. the tense energy between he and john, standing there silhouetted by the window, and then all of a sudden they’re all over each other, fingers tangled in hair, moaning into each other’s mouths, squirming, trying to get as close to each other as possible. this is what i wanted. this is what i was looking for. not because i was looking for something “hot” or “dirty.”’ i wanted an intense sex scene because then i knew it was real. i wanted the desperation, the nerves, the tender way they cradled each other, and how they went to town on each other. it was elton’s first time being intimate with a man, and it was such a nerve-wracking, intense, lustful, desperate moment. taron and richard absolutely nailed it. The swaying and the leaning into each other, the grabbing and nuzzling and all of a sudden they’re all over each other... it honest to god moved me. not to sound too “grew-up-baptist”, but sex, especially the first time you have it is so special and intimate and personal and important (imo). i know all the times i’ve had sex, it was a very, very special moment to me, and i wholly and completely trusted my partner then. i was so happy elton could find security and love and a heckin good time in bed with another man. it must’ve felt so freeing.

This was between two men! In the smack dab of the AIDS crisis in like 1975 or some shit! If being queer is this fucking tough in 2019, imagine what it was like in 1975!! MILLIONS of people were left to die by eat-shit Raegan who say by and said “aw that’s cute.” MILLIONS of people died for loving who they love!! That’s fucked man!! Seeing a triumphant moment like this in the middle of what was happening and what it could mean for Elton and his career just rly got me ya know

my entire perspective of the movie changed from then on. i was excited to see what else i had missed. in fact, some of the songs weren’t bad. maybe i’d like some of elton’s stuff after all?

i missed the scene in the closet. on the airplane, he followed john into the closet and shut the door. the scene cut. but in the real version, suddenly john pinned him against the wall, mirroring the scene of the first kiss i missed, and elton lamely stutters he wants dinner with him, not a sexual act john was certainly looking for, and in the next moment he was hungrily snapping at his finger. i missed exactly how much coke elton snorted. i missed entire scenes and nuances that provided so much to the story. man, i was angry i missed all this. i was cheated.

when i finished the real version, my perspective on the movie, and elton, and his music, had spun an entire 180. i dug it. i listened to rocket man on repeat during the entirety of my forty minute run. i fell asleep listening to the soundtrack. i woke up today listening to it, and have been through the whole day. i have not been able to get this movie off my mind. im watching it for the third time right now.

WELCOME TO THE THIRD POINT OF THIS POST!

if you made it this far, thank you. what i wrote feels so important to me. someone needed to hear it. I WANNA TALK ABOUT THE ENTIRE ROCKETMAN SCENE. I have PTSD with psychotic features. This means that under the right triggers, i hallucinate, visually or auditorily (is that a word), things that aren’t there. sometimes they’re scary, connected to my past trauma, but sometimes, they’re hazy outlines of good people who i think i know. i also deal with all the lovely things that come along with ptsd, including dissociation. pretty much any and everything can trigger me in a specific way. the pool scene was incredibly difficult to watch. seeing a little boy playing piano underwater, him sinking and hovering and singing along, and people slowly descending, dancing in the water until they retrieve him. the vision snaps apart and holy fuck elton is in trouble. (as an aside, that’s one of my favorite affects of film: the protag is under the influence of something, whether it be a hallucination, drugs, in a deep fantasy, or just otherwise a storytelling device, and he is in imminent danger. the audience is aware he is in imminent danger. the protag, however, is cool and chillin and hanging out, not aware or bothered, and maybe this is where a major character arc beat hits. in an instant, they’re pulled out of it, and we--the audience and the characters--are hit with how dire the circumstances really are.)

Suicide is a super sensitive subject to me. when he mumbled “i’m going to fucking kill myself” and plunged into the depths, my throat constricted. it was a difficult few minutes, but i held my breath, gritted my teeth, and paced myself through it. despite the sheer terror and panic that was racing through my brain, the entirety of it was so beautiful. the bright blues, whites, and blacks of the pool lighting and bubbles decorating him, the flow of his--forgive him, i don’t know if there’s a cultural name--outer garment, how curious and confused he looked as he watched his younger self do something he did now, and the people twirling through the water, reaching out, and eventually snatching him up until we’re suddenly in the present--dude, the cinematography of the entire first verse is so, so breathtaking. the scene in the ambulance and getting his stomach pumped was a bit too graphic for me (i could feel a flashback/hallucination creeping on; sometimes i can’t tell them apart.) but it was all done so smoothly. when they lifted him up, spun him around, undressed and dressed him all in one fluid motion, i lost my fuckin mind. i rewound it several times to just watch that sequence. the pain, reluctance, and exhaustion in his face right before he was handed his bat and exuberantly entered the stage was so intense it was palpable. my heart ached for him deeply. it’s allll about putting on a mask of being truly happy and well, when just before that, he had tried to fucking kill himself. how fucking heavy is that shit?

the downward spiral kept me on the edge of my seat. honky cat was funky as hell, and i loved the little tiny moments and gestures towards each other. maybe john and elton truly cared for each other for mere heartbeats before it all went south. he was hurting so bad and ruining everything and in such denial i wanted to throttle him by the shoulders to scream “LOOK WHAT YOU’RE DOING! YOU BIG FUCKING IDIOT!” he was constantly suffering, doing more coke and drugs than i thought a person could keep in his system. the suicide attempt, the fantastic Dodgers show, the night and day between his outward appearance and his actions, all of it was so gripping. the group therapy medium through which the story was told was insanely cool, too. i thought at first it was a bit cheesy, but it worked. i loved that he confronted everyone who had hurt him, and who he had hurt, and reconciled. i loved that as the major plot beats went on, his clothes eventually toned down in loudness, mirroring how the story was going along in real time. he went from having an explosive outburst, to levelly confronting his parents, and firmly insisting they not treat him like that anymore. they didn’t have the right. we could see how he’d grown through several different literary elements. the fact that it was laid out so plainly really helped me, someone who is dumb as fuck and constantly misses nuances like that.

it’s so disheartening to see elton’s first love was someone who was aggressive, non-interested, and who refused to listen to him.

(im at the pinball wizard scene, and holy shit this tune fucks)

at the end of the day, when i had thought the movie fell through so many expectations, i watched the real, authentic version and was so, so happy with how it turned out. it was much more honest than what i had thought it was. when the credits rolled, and it said he and his husband David Furnish had been happily married for 25 years, the tears really started coming. Elton did it. He survived through all the shit he put his body through, all the heartache and loneliness and terrible isolation and suffering, and he won. He got what he always wanted. A man who loved him deeply, purely, passionately, and properly. 

i haven’t shut up about elton john for days. i’m kinda baffled how something gripped me so intensely, when i had written it off as stupid just a day before this. thank you for reading. i’m sure i forgot a lot of things i wanted to express, but hopefully i got something across. let me know if you read this, please. if you made it all the way down here, i owe you like $5. drop me your venmo.

thank you for reading. this movie touched me in a way i didn’t think was possible. thank god for elton john. thank god for his perseverance. thank god for his story, giving me and millions of others hope that happiness will come. recovery is possible. healing is possible. you just need to reach out first. thank you and goodnight.