#i feel so burnt out and i havent even truly started yet

[widevibratobitch]

i spend a few days in Poznań and i immediately start ignoring everything about Wrocław. all uni groupchats. all uni friends. none of it is real none of it exists i am happy here and i never wanna go back <3

[ohyoru]

Hey im not good with words or english, but its ok to feel burnt out or tired. Youre not obligated to provide anything to us. You are an author who writes for free. Maybe to have fun maybe to express yourself. You have your own life and thats a good thing. I havent been playing genshin in a while because theres so much work i need to do there like building characters. I havent watched link click s2 because i cant bring myself to sit down for that long. Im sure everyone has something like this happening to them and i just remind myself that it doesnt matter that much. Post unfinished things, make your character builds crap, dont finish a book youve started it doesntmatter. Its about having fun. Its about forgetting your problems(at least for me) or its about spending time with your online friends. Taking a break is necessary. Spending time for yourself is necessary. Taking care of yourself is necessary. I hope i could get my message across. I cant even take my own advice seriously as im too scared to post this without anon but i hope i was able to make you feel better somehow. I also want to say i really love your works even if i dont know who the person you’re writing about is. Ive been following your works for a while and i dont regret it one bit. I would be pretty sad if you were to stop writing for certain people but if it makes you feel happy then i dont mind and im sure others wouldn’t mind it as well. Youre free to do whatever you want ( as long as youre not intruding on other peoples freedom obviously) thank you for reading my wordvomit written in an attempt to comfort you.

dearie anon,

to have you in my inbox is already a blessing enough for me. thank you so much for taking the time of your day to cheer me up, you have no idea how much this means to me (brb crying i dont deserve you sob)

first of all, your message got across. i'm not sure about your english being not good part, but really, your message resonates with me on a level deeper than language can ever explain, truly.

i appreciate your kind reminder that i shouldn't feel obliged to write for anyone. i honestly feel like it's eating me out because i put myself in the equation as well. i had been a writer before, back when tokyo revengers (anime) was still in its first season since i'm more of a manga reader. if you were in that era, you might came across my work. alas, things happened. what used to be good memories (including writing) turned into very hurtful ones and i stopped doing what i love because they're causing me so much pain. nonetheless, i still slowly died inside. it took me a while to be at peace with my past and understand that writing is what makes me the person i am. so i'm determined to start again and keep it up. but when life gets in the way and hold me back from writing (again), it depresses me. (including not playing genshin). honestly, i'm feeling lonely. what and who i used to know and love seemed to only exist in the past. people moved on, topics became irrelevant, relationship broke. which i don't blame, but it still makes me cry once in a while.

sorry for the traumadump uh- i feel like i should explain myself a little. i hope that didn't scare you too much. but anyway, you're right! i should do whatever i want. maybe i need to reframe my perspective. i love that you mention about reading book thingy because i have the same issue and yes, i'm a reader through and through. but it's been so long since i read.. the irony. maybe all i need to do is start. and love myself a bit more to stop torturing myself with unnecessary thoughts..

you know what anon? i love the past me. i dont remember exactly what i love about her, but she used to be so at peace. i'm trying to find my way back to her, and i think you're helping me set my way there, so thank you. i dont know about your problems, but if you're willing to share, i'm more than happy to listen. don't forget to take care of yourself too okay? i hope your days ahead are the loveliest yet!

also, thank you for appreciating my works! when i started writing again, i told myself and whoever that's willing to take the time of their day to consume my content that i don't need anyone's attention or approval (shadowban be damned. if it happens, it happens). i did it solely for myself. but god knows how much your kind words and others' fill up the spaces in my heart.

i'm not going to ask anything from my works. your support is something i could never repay, but i'll always appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.

(btw yes, you did send this on anon hehe i got a hunch on who you might be but if you prefer to keep it a secret, then rest assured, your secret is safe with me!)

[solange-lol]

hiii in celebration of AUctober, what are some of your fav solangelo AUs?

Anonymous said to solange-lol:

Hi! Kinda a random question: do you have any favorite riordanverse fanfics that you’d suggest reading? I’m looking for ones to read, but I’ve been having trouble finding new ones! Thanks!

rec list #1 | rec list #2

all recs can be found under the tag ‘lizs solangelo fic recs’ on my blog!

technically its past auctober now, but better late then never to drop my third solangelo rec list!! especially considering the state of the world rn ... lets just say its a celebration of me actually participating in sw for the first time in a while

rec under cut as always!! its not all aus but its the count that thots

Find Another Place to Stay by @unwieldyink

personally i think breakup fics are incredibly underrated, and i also think annie is incredibly underrated, so enjoy ur little cry if you read this one (tw // violence in this one)

Hershey’s kiss by @unwieldyink

we love a godswap!! it’s actually been a while since ive read this one and i reread this while making this rec list and can i just say that zeus!nico and hermes!will are both such valid concepts and this just has a rly good dynamic to it

Actors by @buoyantsaturn

i could talk about this fic for hours but lets just say ao3 has told me ive visted this fic 40 times. im not kidding. fake dating is just a godtier trope

start of something new by jinniefic

if you know me, you know that i fricken LOVE high school musical, and this is literally just the start of the first movie but solangelo and honestly a little more iconic please read even if ur not a hsm fan

paper/plastic by @rosyredlipstick

the fact that this is from 2018 and took this long to get into my rec list is tragic because i think about this fic a lot... a lot. mortal au. very chill, strangers to lovers, very good vibes, will be rereading soon (everything rosy writes is amazing we already knew this)

10:37pm by @buoyantsaturn

surprise another cj fic! fun fact she debated with us for a good half hour about what to title this fic so go read it so you can tell her you like the name (and the fic itself... its a very good fic) (tw // alchohol and drug use for this one)

Sunflower by ChiseHatori

3 days in the infirmary is probably the easiest trope u can find in the solangelo tag but i have to say this one really made me soft just bc it feels a lot more in character than some of the others ive read, and it basically picks up right where they ended in the books

Will You, or Will You Not? by @thebluesideofmyworld

marriage fics... also very soft. just boys bein boys. dual engagements. mortal au. all that good stuff vv soft i loved it

let your heart win by @justanothervampiregirl

this one is short but its also probably one of the most in character fics ive ever read and i really like this style of writing mixed with canon compliance so :)

The Magic of Naomi Solace by Sweetymomo

naomi solace, underratted legend. i aspire to have her relationship with will. lots of familial background if you like that!! and its set at a bnb!!

forget all the shooting stars and silver moons by itotallyreadthatbook

when i saw this in the tag i was SO excited bc we love high school aus here and it was!! very good indeed!! this trope is one ive never seen before and i recommend 10/10 good banter

They won’t always live by Phantomxlegend

will overworking himself and coping with loss always makes me :(( so if ur okay with some will angst then buckle up

“I am fully capable of kicking your ass” by @unwieldyink

i remember i saw the email notification for this one and immediately was like yup absolutely im in and it 100% lives up to its title we love capture the flag solangelo

the night we met by peachyytomlinson

a lil ooc but also very angsty and did make me emotional when i read this late at night. i think i wrote something similar a while back but i just aaaaa will angst man

“look how hard i can cry FWSHHH”  by @buoyantsaturn

call me biased bc i like to claim that i originated the idea of demeter!will and cj dedicated this fic to me but like BRO its so soft and i love it here nico leave the plants along challenge failed

femboy hooters, or the time percy jackson failed to keep a secret by luciethebean

its all fun and games until the fic turns out to genuinely be really good. like, yes the title is exactly what you think it is but it doesnt matter bc its so fricken well written im^@*#&(*)($_$#&^@$(@*)* yeah

Of Ties and Significant Annoyances by seokjinvilla (@thechampagnecocainegasoline)

we dont support jkr in this household but what we do support is this bc this plot is genius and i love it

everything’s going swimmingly by tsunamiroll (@catboy-ethan)

fun fact i posed the idea of a sports/team prompt to the sw mod crew literally just so someone would pull through and write a swim au and ethan DID without even knowing. i love them and their writing style is so !!!! please read it

when you smile (the whole world stops) by tsunamiroll (@catboy-ethan)

another ethan fic!! this is the perfect fic for a rough day where u just want some cuddles bc thats literally the plot of the fic. i love this one with my entire heart its very fluffy 10/10 do reccomend

pumpkin spice (i hate it, it's not nice) (ok maybe it's a little nice) by tsunamiroll (@catboy-ethan)

ethan fic part 3!! bc i binge read these all in one night!! literally again their writing style is so amazing and the witty banter!!!! also we love a retail bookstore au 

Burnt Plastic (and Other Bad Ideas) by More_of_This

so this one isnt exactly romantically solangelo but it is hilarious in my opinion and i absolutely adore well written college aus and while i know nothing about college this fic is so funny to me (if you read the tags there is, in fact, a raccoon involved) (tw // drinking for this one)

all because you kissed me goodnight by @buoyantsaturn

i have been WAITING for a mortal counselors au and im sure theres some out there already but y’all already know im a cj stan! lots of slowburn, friends to lovers, coworkers, all the good stuff (and i named this one and offered cj a lot of materials from my own camp so this one especially hits!! i reccomend for those good ol summer vibes!!) (tw // drinking for this one)

Waiting With You by @buoyantsaturn

oh boy buckle up if u want an angst ride because this fic tore me apart. i keep threatning cj with “dont pull another waiting with you”. that being said, very much feels like a movie while youre reading it, very fluffy in the middle, we love mutual pining. 

Little Italian Boy by @buoyantsaturn

stream little italian boy by grace gilmore. youll get it. thats it.

The Clues by @thebluesideofmyworld

secret dating when done well is legit one of my favorite tropes of all time and this!!! this!!!!!!!!! its outsiders perspective also which is another one of my favorite tropes, and just little views on nicos life and i love it

So Come On, Talk it Out (your voice brought me back from the dead) by @buoyantsaturn

will solace, sponsered by kitkats, cj edition

no but if you read tower of nero you’ll really like this missing pieces pre-ton fic this is a really soft little fic with a bunch of easter eggs from the book in it, so i highly recommend! if you havent read ton yet and are still avoiding spoilers, come back to this one!

reaching for the sun (you, you, you) by moonswords (@tortadelimao)

i just read this one about 2 hours ago for the first time and i am Still thinking about it. its like the getting together that i literally feel like is canon and the vibes are Immaculate (also william “what about me looks straight” solace)

“Are we on a date right now?” by @unwieldyink

overworked will, nico helping out in the infirmary, first dates & hikes, canon compliant, we love to see it (also its an annie fic so ur required by law to read it)

Outrunning karma by Phantomxlgend 

more will angst! featuring angry overworked will!

Everlasting Ring by minyoongurt (@blueblackslowtown)

i was Very excited when i read the summary of this one, and i think minyoongurt did a really good job!! healer will, injured nico, the whole dynamic. also i love the idea of nico only knowing “thank you” “go away” and “fuck you” in sign language. im pretty sure thats canon

The Little Thing by Rainbow_Mess

i belive this is also a pre-toa fic thats just exploring all the stuff we found out about will in ton and its very short and sweet :)

and of course, a few of my recent works for your consideration

who is he (and what is he to you?)

just doing my silly little tasks

i don’t need three bars to tell me we’re meant to connect

truly, madly, deeply

[dapper-ships-herself]

Okay, more Tokyo Ghoul s/i musings, this time specifically about why she joined the ccg as part of the Quinx squad and what her deal is.

I still havent decided quite what the event that made her leave the coffee shop was (though I'm starting to form ideas), but the last the audience sees of her until season 3 is her shaken and scared from the ghouls.

When she appears again in season 3, she's gentle and friendly with her squad like she was with her co-workers at the shop, though a bit more reserved, but it's like she's done a full 180 on her stance on ghouls. Shes ruthless when fighting them and regularly talks bad about them, calling them scum. So the audience at this point has no clue what happened to her after leaving the shop to make her so harsh, like yeah she was scared last they saw her in the previous season, but it's such a drastic change from her previous forgiving and understanding attitude. It's not revealed until she shows up at :Re because she finally finds the courage to talk to her old ghoul friends (the ones that are, y'know, still kicking) since she left and spills the story.

She was pretty shaken after the event, I think I want it to have injured her and left her with a nasty scar on her neck and shoulder area so she was also recovering. She realized she was wrong to run off and quit like that, even if she'd been scared by some ghouls she knows her friends aren't like that and she shouldn't have acted how she did. Right when she makes up her mind to go back and apologize, to beg for her job back, she hears news of what happened to the coffee shop, of the raid and then how it was burnt to the ground. She was so torn up and tried to search for the other employees, but some time after that was when she was approached by a member of the ccg.

I haven't decided who approached her yet (Tempted to make an oc for this role. If not an oc then maybe Arima?), but basically they come to her and say they discovered that she was a former employee of the coffee shop, and it'd stand to reason that she knew the secret that the owner and its other employees were ghouls. Of course, harboring ghouls like that is a crime, and especially considering how high ranked the ghouls there were, she'd very likely be executed for it. Unless... If she would agree to join the ccg, then they could make this crime disappear. They tell her the ccg is developing a new project, and that she's to join this new team if she values her life. She terrified, she may have hung out with ghouls nearly everyday, but that's not because she's fearless. So, feeling like she has no choice, she agrees and a few months or however long later she starts her new life as a quinx.

Her attitude of extreme hatred for the ghouls is because she knows she's still being monitored, that if she shows too much sympathy then they could still condemn her for harboring ghouls and have her executed. So everytime she kills a ghoul with a cruel smile on her face, inside she sinks further and further in her own self hatred and breaks a little more. She's terrified everyday of the ccg, and she feels like a coward for prioritizing her own skin over the lives of these ghouls, but she's only human and she fears being killed as anyone else does.

Now, I also needed a why for the ccg member's offer. Why would they want this random girl to join? My working explanation for that is that before she worked at the coffee shop, she was in training at the academy to be a ghoul investigator. She was a model student, probably even joined like some like junior investigators program before the academy so she's been training for this stuff for years. She'd dreamed of becoming a top class investigator since she was a kid, because she believed that ghouls truly were nothing but mindless monsters who only hunted and ate. That view changed the first time she actually came face to face with a ghoul.

She was with some senior of hers from the academy when they were ambushed. Luckily, the senior had their quinque and fought the ghoul off. At first, she was in awe at actually getting to see an investigator at work, but then the ghouls eyes meet hers right before the finishing blow, and the fear in them is so very human. After that incident, she can't get that ghoul out of her mind, she keeps seeing those eyes, and she starts to question what she's always thought about ghouls; if they can feel fear in the moments before they're taken down, then wouldn't that mean they likely feel other things too? Everytime her skills were praised after that, she got a bad taste in her mouth thinking about what she was training for, thinking of possibly seeing that fear up close. She dropped out soon after that and started personally doing research into ghouls, which I think would be what was the start of her path to working at Anteiku and all this lead to her attitude of "you can't judge all ghouls with a blanket statement of monster".

Anyway, that's what I've got so far, seem plausible?

[darkzorua100]

Well safe to say, episode 89 didn’t play out the way I hoped it would. Soulburner ended up pulling out the win, to no one surprise, and Windy ends up burning to death. Yeah...have fun with that one dub. Now I stated that if this was going to be the end result, I was not going to be a happy camper because Windy NEEDED this win far more then Soulburner did, for his own credit and for the plot. However, because of one simple detail at the end of this episode, what could have been me just going on the rant has instead now me viewing this episode as what I like to call Pandora’s Box and a time bomb.

Currently we’re going through a bit of a despair at the moment in terms of the writing in my eyes. One of the main reasons why I thought Windy should have won this duel was because currently Team Playmaker has the numbers advantage. We need more causalities from his group to even out the playing field. To have Spectre be the only loss from this group because of Ignis plot armor and Revolver being freaking Revolver would just be stupid in my eyes. Windy also needed this win because they have been building up a Revolver vs Windy rematch. To not have that be delivered after all that talk of revenge from Windy seemed like just a waste. To have him beat someone like Soulburner would not only give him some MAJOR credit as a duelist, but it would also make him a threat if he actually went to challenge Revolver right afterwards.

Then there is Soulburner’s sides of things. He needed to lose this duel because one, he just needs a lose at this point, but the main reason why I wanted him to lose this duel was because what are they going to do with him if he was going to win this duel? Lightning is already short on members. He already lost Haru and now Windy, leaving only himself and Bohman. He even had to bring in Kusanagi to duel Playmaker and Revolver still hasn’t even dueled yet. Keeping Soulburner in the mix just didn’t make sense to me because if Windy won, he would have went to challenge Revolver and lets be real here, he would have lost that rematch and would have been killed there. Blue Maiden is more then likely going to lose to Bohman, leaving only Playmaker and Revolver left to challenge Lightning and Bohman in what I would guess a tag duel. Clearly there is a problem if Soulburner is still around. But like I said, one simple comment and action changed everything and is what I like to call the hope that is remaining inside of Pandora’s Box. Well maybe not hope for the characters in the show but hope for me as a viewer. 

Are we actually going to get a Soulburner vs Revolver rematch?

At the end of this episode, when Windy was being burnt to death, Flame absorbed what was left of Windy’s data. However, before that, Windy made a vow that he won’t let go of his hated, and he was cursing Soulburner and Flame. Now this could have been empty words, as Flame stated that AIs don’t have curses, but I seen and read enough fiction to know what this amount of lingering hated always leads to. Nothing ever good. Windy’s death doesn’t just make the anger disappear. Death only intensifies it and it is going to leave a mark on something. I’m willing to bet that Windy’s data is going to end up having some kind of effect on Flame, a virus that is going to run wild and corrupt his whole system. Now who knows what kind of effect that in turn could have on Soulburner. As seen with Spectre and Earth, the Ignis and their Origin are connected. If one is affected by his virus, the other will probably be as well if only from just the fact that Windy cursed Soulburner as well as Flame. And if Soulburner isn’t affected by their connection, whose to say that Flame won’t corrupt Soulburner’s program himself? Soulburner is just a digital avatar that Takeru’s using afterall. If Windy really wants to break these two of their bond, that’s truly one way he could do it. And if Windy can get into Soulburner’s system, it wouldn’t be like he would be brainwashing him into doing something he doesn’t want to do. I feel like Windy would be attaching himself to Takeru’s own anger and intensifying it. Takeru’s rage has been such as focus point as of late when it comes to his character. He has so much build up anger inside of him that’s just waiting to be taking advantage of and unleashed. 

This is why I can very well see us getting a Soulburner vs Revolver rematch. Takeru hates Ryoken. He blames him for everything that has gone wrong in his life. Even after what Yusaku told him about him being the one to save them from the Hanoi Project, the hated isn’t just going to instantly disappear. Add to the fact that this will be Windy corrupting him. Another being who hates hates Revolver. Windy wanted nothing more but to take revenge on Revolver for almost destroying him but was made to duel Soulburner instead. A part of me is starting to wonder if Lightning deliberately made Windy duel Soulburner, knowing that something like this could end up happening. If the hated alone isn’t going to cause some kind of virus to form inside of Flame, keep in mind that Lightning was the one to heal up Windy after he was almost destroyed by the Hanoi’s virus. Who knows what else he might have put into his data while doing so. Like a Trojan Horse almost. If Windy won, that’s one less threat to worry about and if he lost, Lightning ended up with a stronger pawn to take his place. And like I said, it wouldn’t be like brainwashing him into doing something he doesn’t want to do. Soulburner wants to beat Revolver and Windy would only be pushing that desire to the top of his prioritizes list. In a way, we would be killing two birds with one stone, getting a Soulburner and Windy rematch against Revolver. 

Of course this is all speculation at the time being but I honestly don’t see why else they would be keeping Soulburner around if something like this doesn’t happen. Sure we could end up with a Soulburner vs Blood Shepherd rematch or Soulburner vs Spectre match up, since we know Lightning still has their data somewhere, but I honestly don’t see Soulburner losing to either of those two and I don’t see us getting a Disaster Trio team up against Lightning and/or Bohman as the final battle of the season, regardless of how awesome that could end up being. Lightning needs all the Ignis to complete his master plan, meaning that Flame is going to have to be killed off at some point, meaning Soulburner has to lose, and what better way to have him go out then by losing to Revolver, which is the most realistic lose this guy can end up getting at this point. 

But yeah as for the episode itself, it was okay. Besides that ending foreshadowing a LOT, the duel was just meh. I still hate the fact that Lightning’s group can use Skills during Masters Duels, it is such bullsh*t on so many levels, but the Xyz Summon, which came out of literally nowhere and has no explanation for, was freaking awesome. That animation was incredible. And that was just for a Rank 3! I want to see Soulburner Xyz Summon something with a higher rank now or Pendulum Summon. Oh my god, him Pendulum Summoning with that fire theme of this is going to be glorious if it actually happens. Still think Revolver is going to be the first to Pendulum, maybe during their duel if again it happens.

As for the preview, Blue Maiden vs Bohman. Regardless of Soulburner’s win, I still don’t see Blue Maiden winning this duel. I haven’t heard or seen anything of the cast list yet for this episode so I don’t know what to expect going forward into this duel but hopefully it will be a good one. 

[conflictcrafter]

forgive me, frank lloyd, for  i have sinned

last night, a was with a close friend and i told him that i missed the energy of mid 20s.

i never really placed it into words but that was a start.

i had a polite kind of fire. the fire that said "okay, i wont," and the fire that would barely lick the firewall: a small fire that was afraid to burn. a kind of fire that shared its light but refused to consume the wick: a soft fire, almost like a fraud. it was an okay kind of fire, like a lighted candle in a cloudy afternoon, or like a lover's lisping that stopped being remarkable.

when i said i missed the energy, i may have meant the loss of such energy that i may have previously had. but i also meant that i missed it—i didn't catch it. i didn't grab it. i let it dance softly, disorienting the shadows around it but never whooshing them out. i didn't burn the house down. didn’t even burn a finger.

what sad, puny, gentle flame.

i lost my mother in september 2021, and until now i havent given myself the signal to grieve. 

although when i sometimes remember the moment when i rushed to the back of our house after seeing the blue patches on her face and fingertips, so that my father and younger sister wouldnt see me break down, keeping my tears behind because i had to keep my wits intact—id allow myself to feel but id never let my tears out. ive never cried the ugly weight out yet.

this dry-air fire.

as i step out of my 20s circle and look back, id ridicule myself for scarring only a small space at the center. i sometimes think i burned a skyscraper down but what folly—i didn't even reach our dilapidated ceiling. what lonely, inadequate flame.

im not even sure if im an ember. maybe im just a pile of ash all along—a weightless spectator on the side. a material once burned and freed from the imprisonment of shape, and now, nothing.

maybe i expected too much from myself. maybe i thought i was going to be a wildfire. i would not know what face to make when id meet my teenager self. maybe this is why we cant travel back in time. all would be disappointments. 

im not yet comfortable realizing that im out of energy. i dont know if this is just how it is, in this liminality between 2 and 3. or is it just me, because im too used to this low-middle class brand of scarcity and economy that any critical level warrants panic and reflection?

should i really burn the house down? or should i just be dry air? should i be something else, or is this it? was the 10-year journey worth looking back? or should i just forget it and silently pass through the rest of my years?

as i was riding a taxi on the way home, seeing the city's christmas lights that looked like consolation prizes for all this worldwide confusion, almost like a bad joke in a funeral, an apathetic push to live—i realized that, shamefully, i am truly lonely.

i lost two women this year. one, i havent said i love you to, and the other i showered all the love i was humanly capable of. the former never woke up. the latter simply woke up.

maybe these are the reasons why im looking at this fire right now. maybe i burned in the wrong places.

maybe i was really on fire. maybe i was indeed burning some villages down. it's just that i never felt it because burnt everything except myself.

what arid self-dereliction!

when my future self looks at me now, i hope he is forgiving me for not making it warm.

[keenlovernacho-blog]

how i quit smoking

It’s midnight now Which spliff remains to be sitting by my ashtray. This hasn't transpired right before. If I've anything I would smoke. Quickly if there was no Remarkable explanation never to.

I'm able to’t use MJ with moderation.. Which’s the point… lots of people can’t Handle them selves. I’m one of these.

Hey Tinman, I am 50 and been smoking given that thirteen I'm confronted with an extremely comparable condition to yours And that i actually need to quit but I am inside of a toxic natural environment that's rendering it quite challenging but you should Be at liberty to Speak to me if you would like to talk.

I’m 51yrs old.. I’ve been smoking weed religiously for 26yrs.. my well being has deteriorated, my paranoia is with the roof and I havent still left household in 10yrs, my despair is so undesirable I cry at Nearly everything as well as the worry assaults while in the midnight is another thing.

Then reality occurred. I’ve been working as a faculty Trainer with no training or support and got steadily more burnt out from such a mentally exhausting career.

When I obtained out during the Sunlight following a chilly shower, experience even now pink and also a big cocky smile on my experience, I quickly get horrified After i recognize it’s only about lunch. Nowadays was gonna be my to start with day of one hundred% abstinence. I was emotion Alright out around town but likely home worried me.

so im 2 days in not smoking driving my new car or truck almost everywhere up to now so good but i got to help make shure not to go dwelling just before 9 pm so i cant receive a maintain of my seller right before i head over to bed lol. lifes a bithc . superior luck Everybody

You've these an awesome explanation to quit and stay quit..those pearly whites might be your continuous reminder

Today’s only my 2nd working day not smoking and I’ve by no means felt so low…. I just truly feel shed and truly lower…any recommendations on anything at all you've got tried out in the first few days which can help fill the void? Little ones are in mattress so I need a thing that will help me in that time of being alone that also can assistance me destress….

I recognize the aspect about habituation. I've gone in terms of relocating my cannabis supply beyond my household, while in the shed, so as to really make it harder to simply turn on the vape pen.

I whish best of luck to all the fellows that like decided to consider their life back again on target, be robust on this and in no way hand over !

Any scenario where by it feels computerized to have a cigarette is a induce. Once you've determined your triggers, test the following tips:

bob marley smoking

Identical below. Commenced all around 13/14yrs aged smoking hash about a mates house when his rents were being out. Now to The purpose wherever I’m in a very flat residing alone at 32 and not with my girlfriend. I messed up two previous romance more than not committing to it more than enough and I suppose residing daily life inside of my very own head. Had a connection where she was fine with smoking it as well as had a tad her self to now aquiring a romantic relationship in which she hates weed and it has begun hating me for it much too. I am able to’t blame here as I seem to be all discuss and no prof, arrived to the point where I thought I wasn’t happy coz she could well be stopping me smoking or at worse I will be lying to her to even now keep my means of dwelling/wondering likely how I wanted, this finished with me ending things along with her since u thought if I didn’t have her least I would've my own flat and Room to smoke and do wot I want. For some time iv been telling my self to stop smoking it not less than not as much as I do. Very well this wound up with me sat in by myself smoking and wondering more about her. Their comes a point in everyday life the place u want to do this however it’s the fear of committing to it. This created me realise which i had all the things with my ex And that i chucked it absent more than contemplating more about wen I’m upcoming smoking than pondering her. So iv produced matters get the job done concerning us in The key reason why that I will change the gap weed thing. My issue is I’m a skateboard and like most of us, every one of us smoke. Iv been an beginner skater for year and know the type of circles u wind up in but how am i able to even now contain the appreciate and keenness for skating still like every one of the posts say, is endeavor to not place ur self in the those positions, perfectly their all my closest good friends. And would modify them for the entire world still all of them smoke. This has now manufactured me Imagine I'm able to try this and at finest check out to generate someone else do a similar. However it’s hard and I haven’t even commenced nevertheless. Haven’t thrown just about anything away nevertheless. Haven’t smoked the last of my weed, haven’t stopped viewing my buddies. But I think the another thing I've is usually that providing up an habit is never likely to be straightforward. Yet we all detail we could do it. I feel the way for me to do this is ensuring ur legitimate to ur self ahead of u may even say u can quit. I feel the outlet flushing it down the rest room and getting rid of all skins, grinders and something that’s appears like I may make a joint outside of it.

Other times After i had to quit for a variety of causes I could barely rest and as soon as I did I'd essentially the most horrifying goals. This time I’ve had just one single bad desire and the rest happen to be beautiful.

[extremelyaverageincrediblynormal]

I think its time to update this thing with everything that has been going on. A lot of beautiful things have happened the past 6 months, but when i look back, its a supercut of mental breakdowns and self harm. Surprisingly, i havent seriously thought about killing myself, but I am definitely putting a strain on my mental health, and i dont think i saw the signs until i was 4-5 months deep. until i was at the hospital. until i was crying in my work bathroom every day for 5 days. and even then, i still tried to keep telling myself if i give up, i am mentally weak. i still tell myself that know, as i try to get myself out of this situation. so lets explain the situation. I will try my best to go back to may and bring you up to speed.

I started working at this job... lets call it, the hellpit. I started in February, and they agreed to give me time off in april to go to japan. I was pretty happy about that, but i remember about a month and a half in, i seriously considered quitting, and that seemed early. I was annoyed at the lack of organization with the products we were selling, and the extra stress it put on the front of house employees. The job ITSELF wasnt so bad, it was simple tasks that were sometimes fun. But the customers were the worst. This is a private club, so we see the exact same people every single day, and i work in a half grab&go half diner. And we get treated like we are nothing. most of the time, we dont even get a “hi” or “thank you”, but we are required to smile and be polite, tell the customers to have a nice day. One girl got fired because she didnt smile enough and was kind of a quiet person. oops. But then i got my best friend hired, and i started enjoying my days a bit more. Japan gave me some perspective on life and i was running off that energy for about a month. I was also moving at the end of may so that took most of my focus. I was then asked to work in the poolside snack bar/ actual bar. I was excited, it sounded like a fun, fast-paced environment. I feel dissapointed writing that because I was so wrong. It makes me feel sad.

I would be working closer to the actual manager. Now, there is drama going on with that. there was 2 managers, R and C. R had been there for 13 years, had close relationships with the people in my workplace. she was even sister-in-laws with someone there. And then C comes in, and sees that there is a lot wrong with how the cafe is running. she wasnt totally wrong, but she has a large personality and isnt afraid to shit talk people. she came in and tried to change everything, and I dont know exactly what happened behind the scenes but R left on a 3 month stress leave, came back for 3 weeks and quit. If that doesnt tell you something about what it’s like to work along C, ive got more. 

So this poolside hellbox was usually run by some other managers in the club, but C insisted on running it herself, putting her employees in it, etc. it was going to be the best year the poolside hellbox has ever seen. it was small, but it needed at least 3 people to run properly. Sure, it could be slow on cold days, but on hot days, it was a nightmare if there was only 2 people. Because we had to do everything; open, stock all the food, take orders, make orders, and pass them off, and close. it was truly exhausting and our days were always 9-10 hours, no breaks. She also stopped putting 3 people, brought it down to 2, usually 1. it was incredibly stressful. I tried to talk to her about my concerns, and she completely agreed. so i thought things would change. they did not. after some time, i injured my rotator cuff, and that lasted about a week until my entire back seized up and i had to go to the doctor. i was physically burnt out. and she had to work one of my shifts because i was medically ordered to take a break from work. writing this is making my back hurt.... funny how that works. anyways, i came back and she told me about how HARD of a day she had when she had to be in there for 6 hours. I thought to myself, good, she will finally understand. She never did. put me back in it, working 6 days a week, no tips, no breaks, 9 hours. there was a day where the air quality was so bad that my coworker with asthma expressed how ill the smoke makes him feel and that he cant breath, and she made sure he felt guilty for not telling her before hand. and then when we werent even making money that day, she blamed the people upstairs for not making the call to close it. i cant believe it.

the PSH finally closed for the year, but she wanted one more day to make a bunch of money. So there is another key player here. J. J has the title of supervisor but doesnt always act like it. C expresses how she feels about J often, and shes the only one who has the power to do something about it but does she? No. 

So on this day, C is not at the Bad place, so in any other situation, J would be in charge. But C insisted that I text her and listen to what SHE said. and she said she wanted to open the PSH 2 hours early. J said it was too busy and we needed coverage. I listened to J. The fact that we didnt open 2 hours earlier really upset C. she was so mad at J for making that call, and i was upset that i was put in a position where i had no idea who to listen to. 

So that was the day i decided i couldnt be there next summer. I needed to leave before the PSH opened again. 

And since then, there has been a lot of hostility towards me. I remember C telling me that people might not like me because she likes me, and people dont like her. that should have been my first red flag to get the fuck out. I honestly thought she was a woman of her word, and that sticking with her was the right decision. she made me all these empty promises, like i’ll be getting a raise in September, or that she has big plans for me and my career there, or even that we were getting a company-paid night to reward us for all our hard work. and what has unfolded? nothing. 

since then, it has been a series of bullshit. she comes down, yells at everyone and everything thats wrong, comments on how terrible the communication is, and how this doesnt look right, and how stupid everything is and how no one knows how to do their job, “except for you, this isnt directed towards you.” I have a feeling it may not be IN THAT MOMENT, but im sure it has been directed at me at some point. Shes manipulative, and takes advantage of people for her own personal gain, and completely lacks empathy. If it doesnt affect her, why does she care. If someone cant help her, why does she need them. that is her mentality, and she is a psycho. she wants complete control, but does nothing to change anything. She wants people to do certain things, but never tells them. She is by far, the worst manager i have ever had. not to mention she puts out the schedule thursday night-friday for the upcoming monday. so, yes, 3 days in advance. I feel betrayed, i feel disspointed, i feel burnt out. 

She also made a sarcastic remark about how i could “never disappoint her”, which was the last straw for me. That was the day i decided i need to get out of there. 

So, thats whats been going on at work, but behind the scenes, i have been unraveling. My manager has qualities that remind me of my mother, and not in a positive way. it’s very triggering in a way, and when i feel like i have disappointed her, i have the same feeling i would get when my mother would be disappointed in me. when she is completely unsympathetic to me being burnt out, i remember all the times my mom told me to stop feeling sorry for myself when i would cry. so i deal with daily triggers that i have a hard time shaking. there are also some things that go on in that club that really disturb my core values. I am a caring, inclusive person and these people treat us like dirt. I think most people are used to it, i even feel like im less sensitive to it as time goes by. 

But i have been having mental breakdowns at least once a week. they were worse back in june or july, i remember completely trashing my room, throwing my books around and slamming my book case on the ground, and the colapsing and hyperventalating on the ground until my roommate found me. I remember scratching myself until i bled. I remember running to a park and crying in a field. I remember crying on the bathroom floor naked. I remember not being able to get out of bed. i remember punching a wall so hard i almost broke my fingers. this all happened withing 3 months. and after the big explosions came depression and giving up. I cry in the work bathroom often, i dont care about being on time, i dont care about my job, i dont care about my health or being in pain. i am in a constant fog, im exhausted and angry and i have a beautiful partner who loves me so much and i cant feel any of it, because i think i shut down everything so i can make it through the day. I’ve gained weight, i hate my body again, and i feel stuck. i feel ugly, i feel useless, i feel trapped. i need help. i need help getting out of this. i am so exhausted mentally, i do nothing with my day because im too tired. i am so incredibly miserable, i get those depression headaches every single day. I have a surgery coming up that i am not willing to compromise. maybe ill take some extra days off then? look for a job? rest my mind and prepare to job hunt and grind for a job that i might not hate? maybe i should leave now, go work at starbucks, see if i can get the time. maybe i should find a part time job, but will my manager hate me for it? does she already hate me for it? i just want to survive. i just dont want to get to the point where suicide feels like the only option again. I am not there yet, but its on the horizon, and that’s why i am scared.