#i feel so annoying today i kinda feel unwanted ngl!

[seraphimsinful]

Wife-Mitski does something to my brain and it's not anything good.

[amykate96]

[part 8 - 26/10/2019]

It’s been a while I guess

So much so that I had to hunt down the last part to figure out where I was.

so update, me and my mum now live with my gran, which is… I don’t know. It is what it is. She’s 87, nearly 88 with memory problems and has a stubborn attitude, my mums a 50 year old alcoholic, and I’m a 23 year old hermit who has ever growing anxiety problems thanks to this house… which is just … great.

So lets back track.

My mum and my step-dad were still drinking everyday, using each other as their excuse of course, cause what else are they gonna do? Rightfully admit they have problems with drinking and go and get help? I don’t think so. They were arguing alot, normally petty things. “Well hes doing this, don’t you think that’s selfish”? “well your mother wants this, so I’ll do it cause I don’t want her to leave” (because let’s add guilt tripping and side playing onto me from both of them into the mix as well). Now my step-dad made it very clear that he didn’t want us to go, he loves mum and he Isn’t as bad as she’s making out, yadda yadda yadda. And she’s made it very clear that shes going (not forgetting she has a guy on the side that she still hasn’t told him about). Now here’s the thing, he doesn’t wash, change his clothes, doesn’t want to get out of bed, doesn’t take any medication doctors prescribe him, gets drunk every day which he says is because of “boredom” and forms and unhealthy attachment to, not really my mother, but the feeling of people being in the house, (seeing as he doesn’t bother coming out to talk to those people). What does all this sound like to you I wonder… If you tell him to go to the doctors for it however, he’ll just tell you your'e being stupid. And mum is just selfish and emotionally manipulative, but hey ho, we new that already.

In between this and us moving, I have a weird mid-life crisis. I had had arguments with 2 different friends, petty reasons, but it was due to happen, previous tension and all that, and because of the arguing, and it turning into winter, I felt so… empty. I wanted to move away, but I couldn’t afford it, I wanted to get a new job, but I felt so stuck to the pub because of the circumstances… But out of no where, I got a decent tax rebate from the bank, so I quit my job (to find a better job after, I’m not dumb, I didn’t just quit to live off a rebate) and booked a tour holiday by myself to Bali… cause why not, told you, mid-life crisis. I needed to get away from the situation, and I missed the sun, it was a win win really (even if the tour started 2 days after moving).

So moving day, 18th of September, it was alot. I already had boxes packed for weeks just sitting around because mum kept changing the dates of when we were going, and when the day came, she had a couple of her friends from the pub, one of which owns a van, to help us move. But here’s the real kicker. She told them it was only her stuff going, and maybe a couple bits of mine going.

SHE WAS NEVER PLANNING ON ME MOVING ON THAT DAY WITH HER

AND SHE DIDN’T BLOODY TELL ME THAT

So there I am on that morning, taking apart any furniture I need to, and any little bits that still needed to be packed. And she kept walking in and out not saying anything. I only found out when the guys with the van came and they were shocked with how much stuff, and I overheard my mum apologising to them. So that’s just great for the emotional range of not feeling wanted. Lets make a check box shall we.

When we get to my grans, which is only 10 minutes away, I go up to the room I’m going in, which is like… that Tetris piece that looks like a bridge, thin with nibs on the end I guess. But anyway, all my grans stuff is still in here, her clothes are in the crappy wardrobe, which I asked my gran if we could get rid of since it’s falling apart, her stuff is still in the teeny walk in closet, her clothes are on the bed, there’s stuff under the bed, my uncles fishing stuff is all over the room and there’s just her clutter everywhere.

So not only was I not meant to go with mum on that day, apparently i wasn’t expected there either, according to my gran. Let’s add another strike to the feeling of not feeling wanted.

So I hide in the front room and have a panic attack, because me and mum had already had an argument about her not telling me I wasn’t meant to be coming, and her cousin who was helping us, found me. And after I explained it, she calmed me down and got my mum, she saw the state I was in, and we talked. Eventually mum understands why I’m upset and she helps me sort out my room first, before her own. So all my grans clothing (except the stuff in the wardrobe) goes back in her room, mum takes the fishing stuff in her room, and the other crap just gets hidden underneath my grans bed and we still hope she doesn’t find it.

(and btw, I still can’t use that wardrobe, I’ve got a box on-top of it, and that’s it, I don’t need it, and it@s falling apart, but I can’t touch it because it has her stuff still in it. And because of that, I can’t fit my desk in my room. So any work or drawings I want to do, I have to do in bed… You can imagine how that comes out.)

Day 1 is fine, no wifi or sky, but we were dealing with it

Day 2, I’m off to Bali

I won’t talk about Bali here, but what I will say, is that it is exactly what I needed. I got away, I got to be independent, I got to be myself. And when I came back, everyone noticed the difference in me. But that only lasted a week, tops.

(Side note, the day I landed I went to the pub to say hello to people, my step-dad was there. I went to hug him to say hello, and basically what I got was “I miss you both, I wish you’d both come back, also can you look at this phone please, because it’s linked to your email”… Yeah thanks, the holiday I went on by myself for two weeks was great btw… Thanks for asking)

So now really started when I’d be living with my mum and gran, and I assumed mum would be so much happier and better. But very shorty i started realising that mum hadn’t changed at all, if anything, she’s started getting worse.

Because “wine” had entered the chat.

Now I’ve said before what she was like on wine, and why, even she’d admit, we agreed she would stay away because she can’t control herself, and she becomes a completely different person on it. Someone I don’t like.

But here we are, she spends nearly every night out getting drunk, or going to see her man, and drinking in the process. And this has all been a long winded way to explain why I’m writing again, after nearly a year. Because wouldn’t you guess it, I’ve just had to work myself out of a panic attack. Fun fun fun

Context (take note, I am aware this is all small stuff compared to other things, but it is on my mind and I need to vent), a few days ago we were having the sky installed for the 3 T.Vs. I had a pretty bad cold this day, so mum did offer to call in sick for work. But I said no, it was fine, the main reason being because I thought it was pretty cheeky for her to use that as an excuse to call in sick. The window for the sky was 8am - 5pm, big window. But of course he comes a 4pm. Meaning I’ve had her on the phone nagging me all day asking if hes been. And the poor guy, he was expecting a quick job activating their new sky infinity thing, not 3 old sky boxes which all require their own cables connected to the new aerial hes just put in as well. He was here for over 3 hours, and during this, he asked me (in mums room) if she had a cable to plug her TV in, cause he wanted to check the sky box was working. I couldn’t find one, I called her up, and she couldn’t work out what I was on about. So I had to drag my TV out of my room and into hers just so he could check it worked. She then called me up “ask him if hes got one in his van, ask him where to buy one, ask him for an extra remote control, bla bla bla”. Now, ngl, I was kinda annoyed that she had finished work, she knew the guy came late and was still here, and the only issue thus far was with her TV, but she still went out to see her guy, which she only conveniently told me, in the middle of the day, not before she went to work. And I know her, she plans these things, it wasn’t last minute.

She comes back, drunk again, digging through her old bags and draws looking for the TV wire (even though I’d gone through them earlier like she asked me to). But in case she couldn’t find one, her guy lent her a cable, so she asked me to help with. Again, still slightly pissed off, and she hasn’t said one word to me except for help, baring in mind I stayed in, helped the guy with mums TV and I was ill, a thank you would have been nice. Funny enough though, it was the wrong cable. So she has an emotional breakdown cause she can’t watch TV in her room that night (not like it was a new thing) and I just say (passive aggressive, I know) “well what do you want me to do about it, it’s the wrong cable, so it’s not gonna work” and what I get back is a drunk, sarcastic, and moody “oh well thanks for your help then”. I lost it, told her I was pissed off and why. And her side was that she told me she was going out, and that she did offer to call in sick. We argued and went to our separate rooms.

We didn’t really speak for a couple of days, if anything, she made me more pissed off at her because she decided to throw the charger for my toothbrush outside my bedroom door like a child instead of bringing it in… Shes 50 years old baring in mind. So if she wanted to be childish, then so would I, I left it there.

Again, not spoken for days (Yes I know that’s petty, but remember we work opposite shits and she likes to go out, so…) and today is the 26th, I went to comic-con, (by myself btw, cause apparently everyone else had already planned to go with their other friends, another check in that unwanted box please), but I go for a couple of hours, buy some stuff and come home around 4. I asked my gran where mum was, she said she was food shopping with “Trish”, a friend she only started talking to again recently, cause mum has a habit of getting bored of people and forgets about them until she needs something from them. But wouldn’t you know it, Trish is also a red wine drinker. You can see where this is heading.

So I hear mum come in around 5/6 or something, cause she just came in to tell me she had been out. Then at 8 I get a text saying she’ll be back home in 5 mins. Well first off, I didn’t even know she went out, she’s not exactly the “I’m off now” kind of person. And second of all she’d only text me that if she was drunk, she doesn’t bother texting me much when she’s sober, unless she wants something. And vodka doesn’t get her drunk that quickly. So of course she comes into my room just to complain that there’s 2 pairs of sky buttons downstairs for some reason and neither of them are working. I’m annoyed (take a guess why) but I go down, it was only a case of my gran using her old TV buttons out of habit and changing the source. Easy fix. But my mum was drunk enough that she didn’t remember bringing down the second remote (it was in her room, my gran wouldn’t have even gone in there in the first place) so when I come out the living room, she tried to say something, but tripped and started laughing, so I just “ffs”‘ed and started going upstairs, she tried calling after me, but I told her to leave me alone. And then we have her calling me rude, and other stuff under her breath.

And to top it off, 10 minutes later she’s calling up the stairs for my help again, because the volume on the sky buttons isn’t working. So I yell back telling them to use the TV buttons. And that makes me rude again because I didn’t go downstairs to help, I just yelled back down to her yelling up to me.

If you want my help, come and get me. Don’t call me out for copying the shit you do.

I know these seem like such small things, and they are. But after coming back from Bali and having an amazing time, then coming back and feeling just as I did before we moved. Makes you wonder doesn’t it, whether it was the situation, or her.

All i know now is, I have an accepted holiday working visa to NZ as of now, and I want to leave as soon as possible. I cant live here much longer. I cant keep getting dragged down by her! I just cant do it anymore!