#i feel no need to make a unique never seen before scourge design he is already perfect

[airocats]

[unluckyadept]

Character Journal Entry: Felix

{Tuesday, January 28th, 2020T}

What is the most difficult part of being a Venus Adept?

The Proxans have asked me this before, from time to time, in their own fashion. Particularly the children. Overall, it is little more than a concept to them: a symbol of the Farmers, the long forgotten Clan.

It reminds me very much of a question that a young construct tried to ask several years ago, for they are deeply connected—

For without a doubt, the most difficult burden to carry is to bear witness to suffering, particularly in connection to the loss of life.

To see someone else broken, no liveliness in their {[spirit/essence/etc.]}, shattered by pain at the cost of who they were—that is incredibly difficult.

And I have seen it.

I have seen my best friends endure such agonizing loss—such cruel pain without grand design, the Shears callous in severing connections with no gain, no triumph at all. No “meaning” to justify such suffering.

So often does Man suffer at the hands of fate.

It left me… uncertain. Uncertain what to do, what to say. I felt… I felt a need to do something, to say SOMETHING that would… be what they needed, what would bring them comfort, spark their shattered {[spirit/soul]}, bring Life back into their {[heart/being]}.

But I was at a loss for words. Even more than usual. It wasn’t even that I couldn’t speak or couldn’t bring myself to speak; rather, I had no idea what to say.

What can one say to someone who is in such a place? There is nothing that can make things right with the world.

And all the power, all the wisdom, all the {[faith/courage/confidence]} I had—

It was worthless. It wasn’t enough.

It could never be enough.

There was nothing I could do to fix it.

And to feel—

To feel such a thing as a life void of Life is… difficult to bear. To be placed helpless, unable to—to do ANYTHING, powerless to aid those who made such a difference, whom I myself have grown to trust and to value as meaning that gives ME Life—

It is a crushing fault that makes it impossible to speak and difficult to breathe.

I… tried. I tried to find strength enough, wisdom enough to speak. Courage enough to provide perspective that is apparently somewhat unique among my friends, from what I am told.

But there was nothing I could say.

Facing the reality that you can’t always fix things—can’t even make them better—don’t always have the answer, don’t always even know what to say or to do—

That all the knowledge you have, all the meaning you place in the bond you share—

The reality that—despite embodying, and intensely feeling Life and Death—you will fall short when such a thing is desperately needed…

…That is hard.

And…

…Harder still is to… to actually be there, trying—failing—

To be there at the loss of Life, powerless—

To bear witness to such suffering, where no amount of power can save it—! To call it “demoralizing” is a horrific mockery of an understatement!

The hardest part of being a Venus Adept is being so deeply attuned to Life—

Devoting your entire purpose, your reason for being, your focus, your goal to preserving it, to providing healing and comfort and luxury—

—and being confronted with the harsh shortcomings in the face of Death, especially Death that was… outside of a fading cinder in the ashes of a Life that had seen its full time.

This is, I suppose, the sort of thing that provoked even the best of intentions to try and seek immortality. To fear death is a powerful motivation for some people… but to fear loss is a far greater one, I have found.

I think on the matter, perhaps more than I should. But it is difficult not to do so, given I have been brought to the threshold far too many times.

It has given me… perspective. Perspective on Death, but also on Life.

I was… ultimately drawn back from the transition, each time. I could have died. Easily. Arguably “should” have perished, in most cases.

And yet I still live.

There was a point where the pain of loss—of the truth of my insignificance, and weakness, powerless to save others—where it shattered ME, and Death devoured my heart and broke my mind.

I still live—and Life has returned to my {[spirit/well being]}, true—but the weight of that time has scorched my very soul.

The perspective of each experience is a dark one. For Man is inclined to fear Death, for the instinct is for Life—and indeed, when that instinct is broken, it is a very nasty and alarming thing indeed.

As the decade has gone by—eight years since I was forced into exile—I have come to better understand my experiences and my perspective… even if I struggle deeply to make use of it when the situations call for it.

I do not fear Death.

I fear suffering.

There is a difference.

But… Death itself is a transition. And it is without a doubt that it brings an end to the mortal pain of the being in question.

I have witnessed it firsthand. It was… 

It was like being SCOURGED with rose vines SHREDDING my chest and my throat, to FEEL and to see the Life FADING away—RIGHT in front of me—DESPITE my efforts. 

And yet…

Tired, just so… so tired…

In the end, they were spared further suffering, and the burden was lifted.

There are times where there is nothing we can do.

Times where we realize that there is no reconciliation, no chance to repair what has been lost.

Times where there is nothing we can do to save those we love, and must come to accept a sentence of living the rest of our lives with the severed connections binding us to an un-reciprocating echo of the past.

Times where there is no solace to be given, because it is necessary to honor the dignity of grief and pain.

And those times…

…will always, ALWAYS be hard.

Watching someone else go through it—where the only thing I can offer is my words, but I am left speechless—is… not easy.

Because it is all too easy to say the WRONG thing, at the WRONG time, and end up being RESPONSIBLE for further pain. And that… would be something I would have a very, VERY hard time forgiving myself for later.

Because I know just how much it hurts when people who are trying to help…

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

“Jenna, you must prepare yourself for what comes next....”

[Felix shouted at him in pain.]

-=-=-

“You have completed your quest, but I see it comes with great loss... Your suffering has been almost unbearable.”

-=-=-

“Our parents would understand. …Don’t you think so, Felix?”

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

…only end up making things worse. Worse in a way that still hurts, even now.

I am reminded of something which a friend said on the matter.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

“The power to change history… that is a temptation that is very, very heavy. And in the depths of pain and despair, one may give in and beg to be spared, only to curse those with such power for not granting such a plea. It is the nature of man to try and negotiate with fate, if only that which he loves above all else could be spared…! But nay—nay… that is ultimately not something one should harbor resentment for, or an obsession for. No. We are left free to make our choices, and within both our choices and our suffering, life retains meaning. There comes a time for most of us when that which we love is subject to agony from which we cannot save them… a time for some where those whom they most loved are taken from them. Such a bitter pain, and indeed, one must not think less of themselves or others for falling from the weight of such a burden. But… such is life. Death and suffering are part of life. Our time together has meaning because of it. That is why we must seek to make our decisions with a sound mind and a kind heart, and treasure each other with our limited time upon the earth. 

[…]

Man is mortal[…]. That is his nature. One cannot obsess over a series of events, and try to create that which cannot exist.

The dead have their rest. The broken shall someday find it. […]

I have learned to be satisfied that there are things that cannot be regained. It is enough that the [suffering] is over now. That is enough for me.

Take heart. Your suffering is not without meaning. You have strength enough to endure this—if not on your own, then by tending to one another. It will be a sore trial… but it will not be the end.”

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

And I think…

That is probably better worded than I could—at this time—possibly dream of being able to pull off, myself.

I think… the most I can say…

Dear friend—

You matter to me.

—Felix

[sky-kiss]

Bound

A/n: I love Azula and Ozai’s relationship? And just want to do more with the Fire Fam in general. Because I love them.

_____

Bound

_____

She’s fourteen (nearly fifteen, she notes, somber) when her father names her Fire Lord. The declaration is not half so profound as many would like to believe. He had always intended to pass the title to her. She has been raised with expectation of obtaining it. As Phoenix King, she would remain in subjection to him. Little changes.

But there’s a shift in the air she does not like, charged and electric. Her father’s general regard her with more caution. And her sire is...absent.

At fourteen, Ozai has stopped monitoring her progress. It no longer hurts as it might have; as it did in the days after her mother’s abandonment. She no longer cares. She is the most powerful firebender in the Nation aside from her Father. She has mastered lightning. Her flight is hardly as finessed as it could be but she is capable of long distance trips. There is little reason for him to attend to her.

Azula closes her eyes, willing fire to her extremities as she propels from the ground. It is a monotonous routine, designed to hone her balance. She ascends smoothly, certain to keep her posture straight.

“You’re improving,” his voice breaks her concentration, if only for a moment. Azula grits her teeth, channeling more energy to her left side to keep herself from overbalancing. Her Father stands across the once familiar arena, arms crossed over his chest. She lowers herself back to the ground. The blue fire sputters (she is alternately proud of its unique hue and disgusted by how it links her to her mother; paradoxically, she knows Ozai adores her more for it) before dying entirely. She bows before him. Ozai makes a vague gesture with his hand, crossing to her with slow, measured steps. He tips his head to the side, “Soon your skills will rival even my own.”

The Fire Lord is not one for honeyed words. It is a genuine compliment. Azula forces her expression to remain neutral even as her heart swells. He motions her forward, one arm extended towards her. His voice is uncharacteristically gentle, “Come here, my dear.”

She stares at him, mouth pinched, brow furrowed. It is only when his expression shifts to an impatient scowl that she rushes forward. Azula lifts her hand, lets it fall back to her side. She will not allow herself to presume, even as the familiar pang of want settles in her chest. Years separate her from her childhood but...she remembers. She remembers a Father who was never as distant with her, who treated her with reverence instead of the disdain he showed the world. She remembered falling asleep curled against his side; tracing the lines of his face and drifting off into pearls of laughter when he nipped at her fingers. She remembered so many things and longed that childish comfort.

For the first time since her mot...Ursa’s disappearance, her father physically embraces her. It is an awkward motion (he wraps an arm around her shoulders, loosely, without feeling). Azula is stiff. It takes a moment before her brain, ever keen, perfectly honed, is able to process what is happening. This is her Father holding her. This is the Fire Lord, actively expressing his pride. This is the validation her heart, her weak, traitorous, heart has longed for for so many years.

She has created herself in his image. She has trained and killed and he has finally seen her.

Azula, the scourge of the Earth Kingdom, the firebending prodigy, the warrior, permits herself a muffled cry, burying her face in her father’s robes. She clutches at him, nails digging at his back, clinging with the same desperate energy as when he held her as a child.

Ozai smirks. She knows it, knows him, even if she cannot see his face. He rests his chin atop her head, half bent over her diminutive form, stroking her hair, “You are to be Fire Lord.” He leans back and gold eyes meet amber. Azula will never admit it but she envies her brother for that...inheritance. Zuko is blessed with the telltale dragonscale gold. Her eyes are Ursa’s. He curls one finger beneath her chin, tipping her head up. As he did when she was young, in that life that feels so entirely removed from her now, he kisses her forehead, “You have made me proud, little dragon.”

In the back of her mind, the mind he so carefully shaped, she knows this is a new iteration of an old game. He seeks to bind her to him, more tightly now than ever. This show of affection, unprompted and out of character for the man, has only one purpose. Before she is crowned, he must ensure her undying allegiance. Her father is more adept at reading others than most believe. He knows her. He’s shaped her.  There are cords between them, threads of blood, paternal affection, and he plucks at them, draws them around her, choking, praying on her impossible need to please him.

What disgusts her is that it succeeds. They both realize this immediately.

“You honor me, father,” Azula clings to him more tightly than ever, fisting her hands in the delicate fabric of his robes. She will never be capable of betraying him. Her devotion, her longing for his approval, will always overwhelm the lust for power he’s instilled in her. Deep down, beneath her military victories, beneath her firebending and all her cool indifference, she is nothing more than a fourteen year old girl. Desperate for her father, her everything’s, approval.

In that moment, real or not, Azula has the one thing she has sought her entire life. Wrapped safely in her idol’s embrace, she allows herself to dream of the future. He will rule this world and she will serve him loyally. She will crush any rebellion. She will take cities in his honor. She will be his wrath and his blade. He will be proud of her. He will love her. They will be happy.

But the Avatar clips the Phoenix King’s wings. Zuko steals her throne and her country.

And Azula is left alone, fallen, ash and tears coating her skin. Her dreams of love and approval are left as little more than that.

[sleepymarmot]

Andromeda liveblog: day one

Spoilers!

Eos/Tempest:

The Vault is beautiful! Even though the moving bridges, just like the floating rocks on Habitat 7, are blatantly copy-pasted from Trespasser.

Drack said the fight was fun. Of course it was -- that was the first time I used Annihilation/Charge/Nova!

Military or science -- how is that even a question? :D

Even back in the trial, I instantly became fond of the Tempest crew, in a way different from the Normandy. Not bound by the blood they spilled together -- but a team of nerds and people taking care of those nerds, pretty much. Feels more like the Enterprise!

What helps is that there's already a net of relationships between everyone -- I was thinking about it when Drack was revealed to be Kesh's father and talked about their problems with Tann and their relationship with Vetra. The Nexus backstory really gives depth to this game.

I didn't expect this, but I actually do like Peebee! Since her first trailer appearance, I've been annoyed with her -- obligatory asari LI, shitty design with a sexualized outfit and eyebrows, manic pixie dream girl-ish image -- but her personality won me over. She's a bit similar to my Ryder, and they clicked instantly -- two young, energetic explorers. And she doesn't seem too quirky so far, just a very extroverted nerd. And she has something nice to say about everyone on the ship!

You know, I've been wishing for a romance with a nerdy but genuinely nice person (unlike a certain elf...) and looks like I have not one but two -- and female! -- options here! :D 

The first flirt option with Peebee is good, the second is not.

Ah yes, a readheaded religious wlw written by the same person as Leliana... Look, Leliana is special to me, but this is just annoying. Maybe because Leliana is special.

Another convo with Vetra: "Someone had to know" "Did your father?" "I'm not sure" LOOK THE CONFIRMATIONS JUST KEEP ROLLING IN

Oh, here comes the flirt option I've seen on Youtube! I feel a bit awkward hitting on both of them repeatedly... Will I, on my seventh Bioware game, finally encounter a jealousy conversation?

Peebee has attractive personality, but Vetra's fashion style is obviously superior.

*looks at Liam's handsome face, sighs and stops herself from hitting the heart because that'd be a bit too much*

Nexus/Hyperion:

I love that Tann is the only real politician around, and everybody won't stop complaining about him, even though he's completely benign :D

It's a great feeling that doing sidequests is completely justified this time. In this game, it's literally my job to fly around and ensure random strangers' wellbeing! Oh look, someone on Reddit made a post appreciating this too.

"Your father is my problem. He's everyone's problem. We're all paying for Alec Ryder's ego. He preyed on Jien Garson's trusting nature and bulldozed us to this godforsaken place" !!! More evidence!! (Random angry woman on the Hyperion)

This is a great way to introduce flashbacks! And to reveal information gradually.

SAM is basically the third Ryder child, huh.

The camera angle and lighting in SAM's room is one of the most flattering in the game.

I'm glad we're actually giving spotlight to the transhumanism theme, unlike with Shepard...

Or maybe SAM is Ellen's reincarnation somehow? It's clear Alec somehow intended to save her with it, but how? I'm genuinely enjoying this mystery. Alec sure has a lot of character and presence, especially for a character with so little actual screentime... You can see his shadow over the entire story.

There's some nice animation at Scott's bedside!

"Is dad okay?" Shit. Shit. Now that's a choice...

(I mean, what she's saying will turn out to be true, hopefully...)

I didn't lie about Habitat 7, though. That's not as important.

Holy crap, that was an emotional scene.

I like Garson's Super Ethical VI Interview.

Professor Gerik in the lab on Nexus has a letter about us being invasive species and preserving local biodiversity! That's nice. (But on the other hand, we'd endanger it just as much if the Scourge hadn't done it first.)

Female Salarians look like male Salarians and sound like female humans. I should just learn to live with the fact that there'll be no real Salarian voices in this galaxy... Ugh.

Ahh Drack is visiting Kesh!!

Have I mentioned how fond I am of our new council/advisors? Kandros is a bit bland, but the other three are great.

30 minutes after I said that SAM is like another sibling to Ryder, he got infected with a virus. Give this family a break!

Of course the hackers were wrong etc, but the things hacked!Avina says are still absolutely correct...

BTW I chose to unfreeze merchants first -- to get the bigger inventory. Ugh, the lack of inventory was one of my favourite things about ME2 and ME3...

I had to read a walkthrough for "Station Sabotage"...

I like the design of Zara's face.

The Nexus sidequests are all about intrigue and investigation! Just like the main one about Alec, and the characters' backstories related to the uprising. Nice. I feel like a detective. It really gives the game a unique feel.

The saboteur has a good face too. And another sympathetic voice re: the uprising.

Tempest

Cora the gardener!

Damn, that speech about acceptance sure sounds like she's not talking about biotics... Why is she straight, Bioware?

Poor Cora. I can only continue to admire her ability to not hold grudges -- something that impressed me about her when Ryder became the Pathfinder.

It's so cute that the crew members have a group chat, have I mentioned? Really makes the ship look alive.

Vetra, Peebee, Gil and Liam are chatting like old friends! And the fact that they're playing poker reminds me of the Enterprise even more.

Eos

A timed mission to save colonists... with driving... I was so nervous!

FUCK I can't figure out this Fiend fight

I died like four times already what the fuck

Why can't I charge?! What do you mean "wrong target"?!

Also autosave glitches me through the floor every goddamn time!

Died about 8 times, I'm going to replace Peebee with Drack and turn down the difficulty

Oh thank fuck, this time it worked.

*can't find the evidence in the cave* *fast travel back to the start three or four times, get stuck on rocks*

Oh, here it is. Yeah, I enjoy playing detective, but I'd like less bugs!

I died and the game got stuck on reload

Alright, some sidequests are in the level 3 radiation zone which I don't know how to clear, and I can't find the bodies of the dead colonists. It got boring anyway. Back to the ship!

Tempest

Gil sends me an e-mail mentioning Jaal, whom I haven't even met...

Kallo's still arguing with Gil -- I'm pretty sure there's something going on he's not noticing... Nobody else has anything new to say. Let's advance the plot, then.

New solar system/Tempest/Nexus

Whoa, I didn't expect things to get so intense immediately!

Sooo, are you going to explain how the angara got the translators working within several minutes?

Are you trying to tell me the kett and the angara aren't related, despite having exactly the same faces?

Jaal's cape flapping is mesmerizing.

I don't understand, why is everyone being so weird and unprofessional?? Instead of opening normal diplomatic talks, they stand in a circle and say shit about Jaal in his presence. Why the hell are they being so entitled? If the angara help us, of course we need to offer something in return.

Liam, what movie night?! We're kind of busy!

Well, at least Jaal isn't going to let me exhaust all conversation topics in one go! :D

"I LIVE IN AN ESCAPE POD" :D

Stop! Prompting! Me! To! Flirt! With! Gil! Two different times in the same conversation -- what??

Okay, by this point I'm pretty sure that the poker mentions are not just a coincidence but a deliberate reference to TNG. 

When will I have enough materials for an asari sword? Maybe a quick trip to the Nexus will help. *immediately gets buried under sidequests*

What, you don't have laws for attempted murder? That has never happened in the entire history of Milky Way? Bioware sure likes to create a complex situation then make you decide between two extremes. I let the turian stay, but I'm not impressed.

What, and they didn't even tell the public what really happened? Ugh.

Pacified the protesters successfully.

Was prepared to go and realized I forgot one sidequest on the Nexus, went back... I need to stop doing this! It's ruining all momentum.

Havarl (not sure about the spelling)

Main plot again, here we go!

Oops, clicked on the wrong button and now my team still has Vetra instead of Peebee.

Nice scenery.

Okay, it's stupid to leave the planet just to swap squadmates, but it's even stupider to explore this planet without Peebee.

Oh right, there is a spot here for a forward station. (Don't the angara mind?)

There's an entire alien jungle, and nothing is scannable? Really?

@myself stop fucking dying... how am I supposed to fight enemies I don't see without any reasonable cover...

Oh, right, this is normal water, not the Deadly Electric Water. That's a relief, at least.

Oh look, normal cover, I can use my ranged powers like an adept/sentinel I intended to be instead of novaguarding.

Spent like half an hour trying to find a way towards the forward station mark on the east, gave up. This Pathfinder isn't very good at finding paths...

Let's find the gay turian Pathfinder!

What am I going to do with all this nickel? These aren't the materials I'm looking for, Bioware

And finally, after exploring everything else -- the Monolith!

This happened again: the profiles refuse to switch mid-fight. WTF???

"Follow the Remnant river?" You mean, what I've done an hour before? I sure hope the Remnant didn't respawn...

So the Remnant are Order and the Scourge is Chaos? I see we've arrived to witness an existential struggle of cosmic forces...

Why are my companions so useless during exploration? They don't give advice, they don't even have banter like in DA.

Oh GREAT, a jumping puzzle, and in the dark too.

I must say, the design is really beautiful, they nailed the intersection of "Alien", "Ancient" and "Powerful" here. Though I'm salty because it's just a sci-fi variation of the ancient elven design from DAI, which means DA4 won't be able to use it probably.

Nice view! @people with powerful PCs, please photograph these things for the rest of us!

Novaguarding+shotgun (only a Katana!) is so powerful I don't feel the need to do anything else...

We're nearly at the top and there's a health pack. I better save...

The plot thickens!

Oh. Is THIS the forward station I've been looking for? No wonder I didn't find it lmao. They should have just covered it in fog...

Why are shields so much harder to take down than armor? Ugh, that boss. At least on the second try I managed to kite him...

Yes, I climbed the column. Whatever. I got some Vanadium! Finally, I need it for my asari sword.

Oh, okay, THIS is the forward station from above. OK.

One of the enemies I had to defeat in a camp got stuck somewhere and I had to run around for 10 minutes before I found him, except I didn't even see him and he apparently died when I approached, but idk how it happened.

I met the reincarnated dude. And that's enough for today.