#i feel lonely and like shit and been crying a lot these past days and i think i've been annoying to them

[heavenknowsffs]

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[whatsk-poppinhomies]

Pairing : Bangchan x F!Reader ft. Hongjoong TW : angst ; childbirth ; reader has to have a c-section ; very traumatic labor experience ; Chan turning point moment ; fluffy at the end ; Word Count : 4.9k Request : I'm sure that in my 98 requests there are some regarding this so I'm gonna say yes, it is a request A/N : Back on that good shit, HELLO!!!

It had been four months since you left, riding off into the sunset with Hongjoong, at least that’s the way that Chan looked at it. In reality, you sat in the passenger seat crying your eyes out in the parking lot of the McDonalds while Hongjoong worked tirelessly to console you to no avail. 

Four months since the last time you had even heard from Chan, too busy with work still to even realize what he had lost… At least that’s the way you looked at it. Back at home, he couldn’t even get his brain to focus on anything but you, the words you had said before he had pushed you away. Work always came first in his life, it had always been that way, but you had needed his attention too, more then than ever before. He had screwed up, and now he was too scared, too ashamed to even try to get in touch with you. The fear that you had finally moved on to someone who would treat you and the baby better, it ate away at him like a parasite and it was killing him to not know how you were doing, but he felt that he deserved it. 

Even Hongjoong, who felt that his acts of kindness were purely innocent, was filled with a sense of guilt, feeling like he was the reason for what was going on right now. No matter how much you told him that he wasn’t to blame, that you would never blame him for it, he couldn’t let himself get rid of the shame. It turned into you consoling him for the better part of two months, and when it seemed like he was finally getting better and coming to terms with that fact that this wasn’t his fault, he would run into Chan somewhere and those feelings would come rushing back full force. 

All in all, the last four months have been absolute hell for everyone involved, but no one really talked to one another anymore, so that only worsened the feelings that everyone had. You were lonely, trying to get through the remainder of your pregnancy without thinking too hard about the fact that you’d be a single mother basically, that the father of the little girl that you were carrying had angrily kicked you out and wouldn’t even call to check up on you. Chan was depressed, not knowing anything that was going on with his daughter, not even knowing if you had delivered the baby yet, not knowing how you were doing, and being away from the love of his life and the mother of his child was essentially destroying him. Even those that weren’t directly involved in what was going on, they were being affected too. Members of both groups had to deal with the negative moods of both men and no one knew what to do. 

It seemed like the four months would never end, each passing day felt more like deja vu, waking up and reliving those moments over and over again, wondering what could have been done differently, what could have been said to try to change the outcome. It was a never ending nightmare it felt, but no one could have guessed how bad the nightmare would get. 

You flipped the page on the calendar, the small box that read “due date” with little pink balloons surrounding it was fastly approaching now. For the first time, it felt like a new day, like you could finally breathe even though your daughter felt like she was kicking at your lungs constantly, you could take a deep breath. You were beginning to feel like maybe, just maybe, with the birth of your daughter, you’d be able to leave the door to your past behind you and start a new journey in life, a new chapter. 

“How are you feeling today?” Hongjoong asked, meeting you in the kitchen with the world's best/worst case of bedhead. You felt awful that he had demoted himself to sleeping on the living room couch just so you could comfortably sleep in his bed, but he had insisted, and he wouldn’t take no for an answer. “Is she ready to come out yet?” He smiled tiredly at your stomach which felt like it was about to burst any minute now, but your daughter had no plan on leaving yet. 

“I’m feeling good… It’s a good day today.” You murmured, giving him a genuine smile, something that you hadn’t done in a while. The sight of it had Hongjoongs eyes lighting up, and you were hoping that maybe he was feeling the same way. “She definitely isn’t ready though. I think she’s actually comfortable being all cramped up in here.” You joked, running your hand over your stomach, and you felt your daughter move beneath your skin, just slightly, but enough for it to feel like she was agreeing with you. 

“What if you’re overdue? What if she never leaves?” He teased, and you rolled your eyes at the questions. There was no way in hell that you’d let that happen. As much as you loved being pregnant with your daughter, your back and your legs were killing you, your stomach was covered in stretch marks that only seemed to be getting bigger and darker every single day, and you’d love to be able to go at least an hour and a half without having to run to the bathroom. 

“Don’t jinx me.” You huffed, running a hand through your hair before turning to the fridge and grabbing a drink. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I cannot wait to get my period again.” As if on queue, and maybe even being slightly insulted by your words, your daughter kicked quite hard, hard enough that it had you choking on and coughing out the water that you had just taken a sip of. 

“She mad at you.” Hongjoong continued to tease all while rubbing your back and intermittently asking you if you were okay, to which you nodded your head and told him you were. And it was the truth, you were okay. It seemed like forever since you were able to just be okay with everything that happened. Maybe it wasn’t that you were actually okay with it, more like you had just come to terms with the fact that you’d probably never hear from Chan again, that he’d never want anything to do with you. It hurt more than anything to come to that realization, to really let it settle in that the two of you were no more, but you also knew that holding onto a false sense of hope for that relationship to come back would only cause more damage to yourself emotionally. 

“You wanna go out for lunch or something?” You asked once you had finally got the air back into your lungs and the tears wiped from your eyes. The last time you had gone out for lunch with Hongjoong was when you were still living with Chan. It had been guilt keeping the both of you from doing something like that again, but you were turning over a new leaf, it was time for you to live your life and let go of the anchor that was holding you back, keeping you emotionally docked to a man that clearly didn’t want anything to do with you or his child. 

Hongjoongs eyes widened for only a second before he nodded his head. Maybe he was beginning to feel the same way. To him, it was clear that Chan wasn’t coming back, and the guilt that had previously kept him from doing anything even remotely close to the likes of dating was beginning to fade away. “Of course, anything you want.” He said, a smile creeping up onto his face as he said it. This was normal, or at least the new normal for you, and maybe in the process there would come new love along with the new life that you were bringing into the world. You could only hope that that was the case. 

“And then Wooyoung and San-” Hongjoong was continuing his story from across the table when you felt it. The sharp pain that you knew wasn’t a kick or a punch from your little girl. It had you momentarily blacking out and seeing stars as a sharp gasp replaced the scream that threatened to pour from your lips. “Y/N?” Your name rushed out of Hongjoongs mouth as he got up from his chair, so fast that it tipped back, but he was by your side before it had even hit the floor. 

The wetness that pooled between your legs was sign enough that not only was your body, but she was ready to come out. “Hospital…” You breathlessly said the word, your eyes prickling with tears as you looked up at Hongjoong, trying to remember all of the breathing exercises that you had learned in the lamaze class that he went to with you. It was harder than you thought when so much seemed to be happening at once, you could barely even focus on your breathing, let alone the breathing that someone else had taught you to do. 

“Right… Yeah… Of course… Oh shit.” Hongjoong stammered out the words, looking around the small restaurant in a state of panic, as if one of the unfortunate people who were now watching you would know what to do. It didn’t take long for a couple other women to come over and try to help you, some of them were on their phones already asking for an ambulance. “Thank you…” Hongjoong whispered to the women, thankful that he could now turn his attention solely back to you while you both waited for the ambulance. 

By the time the ambulance did come, there were so many people surrounding you and Hongjoong, trying to comfort you, console you, calm you, literally anything as the pains got worse and worse. Contractions, as you were told, were painful, and the only thing you could really do was try to breathe through them until they stopped. The only problem was that they came so frequently that you didn’t have time to catch your breath before another one had you doubling over and gripping onto Hongjoongs hand even tighter. 

It wasn’t just the contractions though, there was something else, something that you couldn’t even fully understand, but you just knew… Something was wrong. You could feel it, or moreso, you couldn’t feel anything. You thought that with the amount of contractions and everything that was going on that your daughter would be moving around just as frantically as everyone else in the room right now, but you couldn’t feel anything. “Please… hurry… There’s something wrong… Please…” Was all you managed to say to the paramedics as they helped get you out of your chair and onto a gurney. 

“Everything is alright.” One of the paramedics said, but they didn’t know, they weren’t you, they weren’t going through this right now. You hated how they tried to make everything seem okay when it wasn’t. You weren’t stupid, and you knew your body better than anyone else. There was something wrong, and they needed to get you to the hospital as fast as possible instead of trying to fill your head with false hope. “We’ll be there soon, just keep breathing.” As if you had any other choice… It was all you could do. Just breathe until you get to the hospital, and hope and pray that your feeling was wrong. 

The baby is in distress. We have to get her out quickly. Set up the room. Get her ready. 

Hongjoong stood off to the side watching as doctors and nurses circled around you like vultures. He couldn’t watch as they poked you and prodded at you like some kind of lab experiment, and the only thing he felt was anxiety at the pure chaos that seemed to be unfolding around him. Your eyes were bloodshot and puffy with tears and while he wanted to stand next to you and be there for you and hold your hand, every time he even got remotely close he’d be pushed back and replaced by another doctor that needed to check you over. 

“Call him…” You said loud enough for Hongjoong to hear, and while the doctors didn’t even pause to let you talk to him, he had heard you through the noise and the commotion. He knew what you meant, and he knew exactly who you were talking about. He wasn’t sure why you’d want him to be there, unless you truly thought that something bad was going to happen to yourself, the baby, or the both of you, but he knew that, out of respect for Chan, he had to do it. 

He nodded slowly, hesitant to step out of the room, but he knew that there wasn’t much that he could really do from inside the room either, and it’s not like he could make a phone call with all the noise, so he silently slipped out into the hallway and leaned against the wall. Would Chan even answer his phone? Even if he didn’t, it’s not like you’d be alone, and if something horrible did happen, that would be something that Chan would have to live with for the rest of his life. 

The ringing lasted for a good bit, or maybe it was just the fact that time didn’t seem relative in this situation and a second seemed to last for an hour for Hongjoong, but when the ringing finally came to a stop and he heard a soft sigh through the speaker on his phone, he knew that Chan had finally picked up. “Y/N is in labor… She wanted me to call you. It’s not… going well… She wants you here.” 

It was vague, but it got the point across. To be honest, Hongjoong didn’t have the slightest idea of what was truly going on back in the room, he heard the words, but he couldn’t fully comprehend them, they made no sense to him. “Is she okay? Is the baby okay?” Chan shakily asked, and while everything around Hongjoong seemed to be moving in slow motion, the sounds coming through his phone made it seem like Chan was in a world in double speed. 

“I don’t know… I don’t know anything. She just wants you here. She wanted me to call you. She’s scared, I’m scared… I’m sorry, hyung.” He whimpered, tear drops spilling over his lashes and trickling down his cheeks. “Please come fast… I think they’re moving her…” They were both crying, that much was obvious, the sound of choked off sobs only slightly muffled by the car engine that rumbled through the speaker. 

This felt a great deal like karma, although neither of the guys knew who it was coming after. Was it Hongjoong for unintentionally stealing away the family of another man, or was it Chan for being so oblivious to the blessings that he had been given that he let them be taken from him? Why would it go after you though? You and the innocent baby that didn’t know anything about what was going on around her? None of it made sense. 

Silence filled the call, neither men speaking, but soon that silence was interrupted by the door being pulled open and the commotion that Hongjoong had temporarily removed himself from now flooded into the hallway. “These are your scrubs, follow us.” A doctor hurriedly handed Hongjoong the blue suit and then turned their attention back to the hospital bed that was being wheeled out of the room. Nurses followed behind, carrying the IV bag that you were still attached to, but now there was an oxygen mask over your face, although it wasn’t connected to anything, not yet at least. “There isn’t much time, hurry.” The doctor said, looking back at Hongjoong who was in a state of shock seeing you like this. 

“What’s going on? I’m almost there… Hongjoong?” Chan finally spoke up, but there was nothing that Hongjoong could say. He still didn’t know what was going on, but now it felt like he was on limited time, and the last thing he wanted to do was be on the phone with Chan when he could be spending this time with you, or beside you… He should be there for you, and maybe Chan knew this, or maybe he just didn’t want you to go through this alone. “Go… I’ll get there soon… Don’t leave her…” 

Sitting in the waiting room was Chan who had run through the hospital doors like a bat out of hell, pushing through people just to get to the front desk only to be told that he couldn’t even go back and see you. He was left with so many questions and no answers, fears that clouded his mind and made the sound of the television right above his head seem like nothing more than a low drone that was everything but calming. 

There was no comfort found in the pristine white walls or the nose burning bleach smell from the overly sanitized floors. There was no solace felt when looking at the scenic paintings that hung along the walls. There was only a sense of looming dread that hung over him. To lose everything before he had even gotten it, to not even have had the chance to enjoy the time with you and his unborn daughter because he had so carelessly given it away just to chase his career.

“Sir…” Pulled from his thoughts by the low, almost mousy voice of the receptionist, he finally looked up at her. “You can go back now.” Was this a light at the end of the tunnel, or was it just the high beams of a car racing through only meant to give him some sense of false hope before he was crashed into? 

Every step was slow, giving him time to prepare himself for whatever it was that he’d walk in on. Would you be okay or had he lost you? Had he lost his daughter? Were you both gone? Was he only allowed to come in just to say goodbye? Wouldn’t that be sick? To be led into a room where everything that he truly loved lay lifeless and cold… He wouldn’t be able to handle that, he wasn’t even able to handle the thought of that. 

Hongjoong stood outside a door, his hair disheveled and his eyes reddened from crying. His cheeks and his nose looked raw, and his lips were chapped… But he was smiling. There was no sadness in his eyes, he wasn’t wearing the look of someone that he just witnessed something so horrifyingly devastating that Chan couldn’t even think of it. “They’re sleeping…” Hongjoong whispered, letting out an exasperated chuckle as he ran his hand through his hair for presumably the thousandth time today. “But they’re okay… They’re okay.” He repeated the words as if he himself needed the reassurance. 

“Wh-... What happened?” Chan stammered, still left with a whirlwind of questions, but did it even matter what had happened? As long as you and his daughter were alright, that’s all that was important to him. “Is the baby in there? Can I see her?” Hongjoong shook his head no, and for a moment Chan thought that he was saying that he couldn’t see his daughter, but Hongjoong quickly motioned down the hall with his head. 

“They have her in the nursery right now… They still want to check her over, make sure that there’s no issues. I… I wish I could tell you what all happened but… I couldn’t even ask questions and… I was so scared. I think it’s a good thing you didn’t make it in time to see it… I never want to see something like that ever again…” Hongjoong rambled, his head shaking so fast like he was trying to rid his mind of whatever images now plagued it. How bad had it been? 

“Can I go in the room?” Chan asked, and Hongjoong paused, looking between Chan and the door before nodding his head. “Thank you… Thank you for taking care of her, and being there for her… And giving her everything that I failed to give.” Chan murmured, his hand freezing on the doorknob, eyes welling up with tears as he dropped his head. “You’re a better man than I am… And she deserves better… So does my daughter…” 

He didn’t give Hongjoong time to respond, he wanted to get in the room and see you, make sure you were okay, and then go see his daughter to make sure she was okay as well before heading back home. He didn’t intend on staying, not because he didn’t want to, but he was sure that you wouldn’t truly want him around now that the nightmare was over. He had hurt you and pushed you away, he didn’t even feel like he should be there. 

“Hey…” Your voice was soft, not intentionally, but you were groggy and tired, as he expected you to be after going through this. “You finally made it… Took long enough.” You scoffed, and Chan could only sigh. If only you knew the amount of accidents that he had dodged, the amount of tears he had shed just to get here, just to wait for the clearance to come into the room and see you. He would have argued it, but he found no point in fighting against you, not right now. “Did you get to see her yet?” You asked, and he shook his head, shoving his hands into his pockets as his top teeth sank down into his bottom lip. “Did I interrupt your work?” 

Were you truly questioning it or was it just a jab at the fact that he had chosen work over you and the baby in the beginning? He wasn’t sure considering your voice didn’t really give way to any emotion other than exhaustion. “No… You didn’t interrupt anything. I was at home.” He said softly, and it felt like he was walking on a thin layer of ice. Any wrong move and he’d fall through. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry I didn’t make it in time. I’m sorry that I wasn’t here.” 

“You’re a busy person… I understand that you can’t make it.” You said as nonchalantly as ever, as if you were just talking about the weather. “You should go see her before you have to go again. I’m not sure when your schedule will free up so… If you want me to send pictures of her to you I will…” You weren’t even looking at him, your eyes gazing far off into the distance, out the window of your little room. Was it because you’d get sad if you looked at him? Or would you just get really angry? How was it so easy for Hongjoong to juggle both his work and his life? Why was it so hard for Chan to do the same thing? Did he even have a chance to try to prove to you that he was sorry or had Hongjoong already made his way into the space in your heart that Chan thought was reserved for him? 

“I never stopped thinking about you… About the baby… I never stopped thinking about how much of an idiot I was for leaving you… For letting you leave.” Chan began, and he saw your tongue push against the inside of your cheek, something that you did when you were thinking just a little bit too hard. What were you thinking about? “And I know that right now isn’t the best time to be coming to you and telling you this. I should have come to you the day after you left… I shouldn’t have even let you walk out that door. But I love you, and I love our baby… And that dream that we created together… I still want that with you. I want to be with you, I want to have a family with you… I want so much for you to just be home again.” He shook his head, his eyes squeezed shut to try to hide the fact that he was getting teared up. “I want our home to be the home that you bring our daughter to when you both get discharged… But I know that I’m too late…” 

For the first time since he had walked into the room, you looked at him. Your head turned slowly to let your eyes, filled with confusion, fall upon him. “What do you mean you’re too late? I’m not dead, Chan. I had a c-section… and while it still feels sore and I know it’s gonna hurt like a bitch later… I’m still alive.” You said it as if that were the only thing he should be worried about, but he knew that Hongjoong was just outside the door, and maybe you were just trying to play dumb to protect Chans feelings, although he wasn’t sure why you’d do something like that considering the hell that he put you through. 

“I know that you and Hongjoong are together… You don’t have to hide it or pretend…” Chan mumbled, clicking his tongue against the roof of his mouth before letting out a loud, heavy sigh. “He’s better for you anyway. He was always there for you… He was there for the baby before she was even born… There’s no way that I can compete with him. I understand that he took my place… But I do love you, and… if it’s okay with him… I would like to still be in her life… I want to watch her… grow up… I want to be there for birthdays and holidays and-” 

“What the fuck are you on about?” You cut him off with the question, your eyebrows arched and your face had shock written across it. “Hongjoong and I aren’t together. Holy shit, Chan.” You let out a scoff that sounded more like you were trying to hold in your laughter. “Is that why you didn’t try to get in touch with me? Because you thought that he and I were… together?” You quizzed, and Chan mumbled out a sheepish yes in response. “So you’re telling me… We could have been together… through the better half of the last portion of my pregnancy… But we weren’t because you thought I started dating Hongjoong?” 

Chans hands flew to his face and his head fell back as he let out a loud groan. “Yes. Yes! I was stupid! I let my assumptions get the best of me and I missed out on the birth of my daughter because of that. Is that what you want to hear? I’m stupid!” His head shook before he let it drop down, his eyes lingering on the lines between the floor tiles. “Why didn’t you message me though? What was keeping you from reaching out… Not that it was your job to, considering what had happened… but… If you missed me and wanted me there for all of that… Why didn’t you text me or call me?” 

Now it was you who grew quiet, your hand that was free of the IV running through your hair as your eyes bore into him, and even though he wasn’t looking, he could feel the heat of your gaze from across the room. “Because you told me to leave… I thought you didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. I was devastated that you just let me walk out, and it made me feel like you wouldn’t care if I tried to get in contact with you anyway. I was pregnant, and I never felt so alone in my life, even with Hongjoong there to help me. All I wanted was you. But I was scared that you’d tell me to leave you alone and… I knew that I wouldn’t be able to handle that kind of rejection, not from you.” 

His heart sank at the revelation of how you truly felt, and he couldn’t believe how far it was from the truth. He still had one more question though, one that seemed to be burning brighter now that he knew how you felt. “Why did you call me today? Not that I’m mad about it but… what made you want to see me now?” 

The sudden sound of you sniffling filled the room, and you fumbled with the edge of your blankets as you took a few shaky breaths. “Because… I thought something was wrong… That something would go wrong and… Even if you hated me, I needed you here. I was scared that I would die… That she… You know… And I just needed you.” Your voice broke at the end and the sniffles turned to full sobs as your head dropped and your hair curtained your face. 

He ran over to your bedside, grabbing your hand, for the moment completely forgetting that he hadn’t been around at all, the only thing he wanted now was to be there for you, to show you that he loved you. “I’m here now… You’re okay, she’s okay… I don’t want you to think of those things anymore… okay?” He whispered, petting his fingers over your hair and tucking it behind your ears before tilting your head up to look at him. “I love you… And I’m sorry… I’m sorry for everything that I’ve put you through… But I want to be here now, if you’ll give me that chance. Just one more chance… Please…” 

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[imrllytootiredforthis]

Pent up~Teaser

pairing: changbin x sexshop employee worker

summary: changbin goes to a sexshop looking for a little something to fill up his lonely nights but gets more than he initially bargained for-not that he's upset about it~

warnings: in teaser-dom reader, sub changbin, obvious praise kink, mentions of masturbation, mentions of sex toys and bdsm, needy changbin. in full fic (of what i know so far): pegging, masturbation, cumplay, exhibitionism, teasing, size kink, etc

a/n: teaser bc i feel like it-and @arlojulien-nightchild-of-hades requested no.10 in my drafts, so here it is-also for binnie's birthday!

Changbin had never been embarrassed about masturbating. 

He knew that he felt pent up from time to time from stress and work and life in general-from what little life he did have. From having to deal with Han and Chan, because while he did love them, putting up with them wasn't the easiest feat, though he'd never tell them that.

His life was busy and things were frustrating, so much so he’d have to restrain himself from doing things he’d actually regret.

Like smashing Chan’s laptop when he stopped listening to all reason, locking himself in his room for days on end without getting any sleep, food or water. His self-destructive tendencies doing shit for the group and even worse for his own mental state.

Or like shouting at Han when he was acting like a brat, stuck in his own ways, which would result in him crying every time. He'd grown a lot in the past few years but he was still stubborn as shit and too sensitive for his own good.

And as Changbin had realized, was that doing any of those things rarely ever helped the situation but only aided in getting his own frustrations out.

So he'd found that the natural way to get rid of those frustrations while also not doing something that he’d regret later on was to blow off steam in other ways. Take things into his own hands in other words. After all, a busy person such as himself wasn't about to go out and look for a good lay every so often.

Masturbating and self-pleasure wasn't unhealthy by any means, he knew that and he’d never really understood why it was such a stigmatized topic, but that was a whole conversation for another time.

The point was, he'd never felt ashamed to the fact that he needed some alone time every once in a while. 

Not until now. 

Standing in his local sex shop in front of a very large selection on the shelf, trying to decide between two sizes of dildos. He could get the bigger one or the smaller one. Money was no problem and he could buy both if he really wanted, but he'd really rather not have to figure out how to hide not one but two fake dicks in the dorms in which any of his snooping roommates could find at any time plus it felt a little excessive to have two dildos.

But it really wasn't this part that he was ashamed of. He was just dandy with the fact that he was standing here browsing the shelves of dildos, looking for one that he was going to use on himself later tonight. 

Changbin knew exactly what he was signing up for when he walked in here and he wasn't embarrassed about it at all. This wasn't his first time in a sex shop and he could honestly say that they were pretty chill for the most part.

It was his first time in this one though. He'd wanted to switch it up a little-he'd wanted to finally go to the one near his place, accepting the fact that he could potentially run into someone he knew here.

Good thing: There was no one that he knew here.

Bad thing: He couldn't help the pang in his chest, the flicker of something he wasn't quite ready to face inside him realizing that he seemed to be the only customer in the shop who was single. 

Everyone else wandering through here was with a partner. Linked arms while quietly discussing which items they wanted to purchase, stolen glances and small smiles.

Sexual tension was thick in the air in this store today. A lingering look and quick meaningful touches between everyone except for him.

The sting of jealousy he had for that guy currently standing next to him was bitter. Someone who was looking at the same collection Changbin was but he had a partner with him; who teased him, nudging at his side as she tauntingly asked which one he wanted.

He couldn’t help but feel just a bit envious that the guy blushed and his partner coo'd about how cute he looked, brushing a finger down his face before whispering something too quiet for Changbin to hear into his ear.

The fact that he was in a store full of couples looking at things to take care of each other with, while looking for things to use on himself.

Deep down, even though he tried to ignore it...it made him feel, oh what was the word? Lonely? Unwanted? Maybe just the tiniest bit pathetic-and not in the kind of way that he likes.

"If you pick one by the count of three, I'll use it on you in the car~"

He tried not to look at either of them as he grabbed the bigger of the two toys off the shelf, pushing past them and quickly making his way past them to the counter.

Fuck this place.

He dropped it on the counter without looking up.

He was going to go back to the dorms, where thankfully, for once in a blue moon all of his roommates were out. For the whole week actually, they wanted to go on a camping trip but Changbin was too busy for that. He had work, and going to the gym, and…well that was it, but it consumed a lot of time. Time he didn’t have to sleep on the hard ground on top of rocks and sticks and bugs in the forest. 

He normally liked camping and he felt bad to turn them down but he knew he needed this. A bit of alone time. There was no way he was going to give up the chance at being alone for a whole week while Chan, Hyunjin and Han were gone.

He was honestly just surprised that Hyunjin agreed to go with them.

Tonight he was going to forget all about this. About the want to be pounded by someone. A person. And not just his own hand and a toy. He was going to forget about the want to be teased and touched and loved by someone else. He was going to forget about all of that, throw on some porn and try out his new toy with the handy bottle of lube hidden in his nightstand.

"Cash or card?"

He rifles through his wallet for a few bills, "uh, cash please." he mutters, putting them in the counter as he counts, making sure he he’d taken out the right amount.

This would all be but a distant haze later tonight in his sex-addled brain. Nothing but a dream when he'd make himself cum over and over again to ensure he'd forget this.

“Don’t be rude. Look at me when you say that."

Changbin’s whole body froze, unmoving. He didn't even need look up to feel eyes burning into his skin.

"Don't make me repeat myself." He didn't know why he listened. It was just something. Something about the voice, firm in a way that he craved. Something coaxing and calming, rather than screaming at him to obey instead guiding him to it, making him want to listen.

Finally, his eyes managed to flick upward to the face the person talking to him. 

You smile pleasantly, so familiar yet unlike to the way you'd just spoken to him, in a way that makes him feel warm. You raise an eyebrow, gesturing for him to go on, the expression making his face heat up for some reason. "Good boy. And your payment?"

Wha-

What did you just say?

Did you just-?

He tries to recollect himself. Hopefully fix his jumbled thoughts before he embarrasses himself further, tries to find his voice, "I, uh..." all while you sit there, looking nothing but amused at this entire very un-amusing situation.

You hold back a laugh, eyes alight with mirth. "You paying with cash pretty boy?"

His mouth opens, then closes before he works himself up to a nod and manages to push the money across the counter to you.

What the hell was going on with him?

This time, you do laugh, throwing your head back like he had said something legitimately funny and not stumbled over his words like an idiot. 

"Sorry-sorry, I don't mean to laugh!" you don't sound very sorry, with the way that small giggles make way through the words. He can't help the way butterflies erupt in his stomach. 

You calm down and take the cash, putting it in the till, "Bag?" he still can't seem to bring himself to speak so he only nods. You notice but take effort not to start up again, putting the item into an inconspicuous bag and giving him his change. 

He pockets it, and that's it. 

He'll turn around and walk out of the store and never show his face in this place again, too mortified to see the very attractive sex shop employee that turned him on by just telling him to look at them. 

Too lonely to come to this weirdly couple-populated sex shop too.

God, he really needed to get laid. 

Maybe it was really time to give in and download one of those dating apps that Han kept suggesting. 

He wouldn't start anything serious. He didn't have time for that as mentioned before. He'd do it for nothing more than to meet a one night stand that would fuck his brains out and leave the very next morning. He was sure that wasn’t what Han intended when he’d suggested it, but it really wasn’t any of Han's business either way.

Changbin picked up the bag.

"What's your name pretty boy?"

You rest your chin in your palm, slouching against the counter and looking at him. You're taller than him normally but you’re the slightest bit shorter than him now and it makes him feel both nervous and excited.

"...Changbin."

"Hello Changbin, I'm Y/N." You reach a hand out to shake but he ignores it, preferring for you not to know exactly how sweaty his hands are at this very moment.

He doesn't know what to say next. Doesn't know what you were trying to do by asking for his name and introducing yourself. 

But he doesn't have to wait before you're glancing back down toward the bag that burns in his hand. "Ever used one before?"

Are you even allowed to ask that? Probably not. But he doesn't care.

"N-no...I, uh, figured that I'd try something new today. My roommates are out for the week.”

Okay and maybe it wasn't the best idea to inform you that he was going to be home alone and using a 9 inch dildo to masturbate tonight but he can't seem to hold his tongue back.

You take your sweet time to reply, letting him sweat for a good few seconds that he counts in his head as a slow smirk crawls across your face. "Adventurous." You now point at it. "and I'm, uh, guessing that you're using it on yourself, right?"

What were you suggesting right now?

“Uh-“

“I mean like, you’re not dating anyone right? Single?”

This must violate some kind of code of conduct about you working here. You should not be able to ask your customers this.

"Yeah." his voice sounds hollow, feels breathless. "Yeah I am."

Why is he even replying?

Meaningfully you scan him, watching him grow twitchy with nervousness. You then pull out a piece of paper from under the counter. Changbin stares at it as you messily scrawl some numbers onto it. When he looks back at you, you're already staring at him. "Listen pretty boy-"

"-Changbin."

Your face contorts into something unrecognizable that makes his stomach churn, in a good or bad way he can't tell, "Changbin. I’ve been working all day and I really don’t have the patience so I'm just gonna come out and say it.” You pause for emphasis, “I'm more than open to using that on you," you linger on the word, even though you don't really have to, you just like seeing the blush grow on his face. "If you don't want to, that's fine, don't feel pressured at all, but you seem to be wanting…someone in your life.” You glance back over to the couple, still looking at the dildos he had been.

Were you watching him? 

His heart pounds in his chest so loud he's afraid that you can hear it. His cheeks are flushed in mortification that he had been that transparent. That a stranger at a sex shop can see how desperately he needs to have his back blown out.

"So what do you say?"

Is it a good idea?...Yeah...probably not. 

“You don’t have to answer me now. Just,” you slide the paper across the counter and despite his best efforts to be in control of his body, Changbin grabs it, pocketing it all while you look smug. “give me a call if you would like to take me up on the offer.”

You glance at something over his shoulder and his eyes follow yours to the clock on the wall. He looks back right as you’re slinking to the back, through a rainbow wall of beaded curtains. “Hank!” You shout. “I’m going on my break, you’re on checkout!”

You glance backward one time, winking at him before disappearing into the back.

a/n: just lmk if you wanna be tagged in the final product, it is going to be the next fic i (hopefully) come out with so yeah

[angelforstyles]

Lonely (together) Chapter One

Lillian’s POV

My stomach hurts, I should eat something, but I can’t move. I can’t open my eyes, I took painkillers, but I still feel the pain come and go in sync with my heartbeat. I have a migraine every month routine, and if i was very stressed every two weeks for four days. That life, right? My phone is buzzing, and it’s making me feel sick. Shit, I try to reach the bathroom,just two more steps. Done. Throwing up with tears all over my cheeks. So dizzy, i stayed for fifteen minutes than wash my face. Simple tasks just do it. Return to my bed, then incoming call. Jolly, one of my best friends. Answer, don’t. I pick up. “Haaayyy, you didn’t answer, are you in?” What she’s talking about, her voice makes my head hurt more. “What?" “Damn girl, are you sick?” "No, just woke up." “Great, we’re going to celebrate with no occasion, coming right?” “I don’t think i feel good. Sorry, Joll," “please? Been while since we've all been free." “Sorry, I can't, my period coming I don't feel very good” , “shit sorry, do you need me to came?” “No i got it, thanks though”, “i love you if you need me just text me okay?” “Okay” “promise?” “Promise, have fun”.

My phone fell from my hand. My eyes hurt, and I’m so hungry. I set up until I can stand I walk to the kitchen, pull a water bottle, and drink it. It’s Friday, and I have to go work tomorrow. I already took two days off. I eat leftover pasta. Disgusting, since when has this been in the fridge? I went back to sleep. Tomorrow the headache should be less painful.

I woke up with a painful body. Did I kill someone in my past life, and I’m being punished? Already got my period and my stomach hurting; the headache seems gone, but my body is hurting "uugghhh.” I need to go to work I can’t skip three days straight. I took some painkillers. Shower, dressing, crying. My chest hurts from crying. It’s fine, just a couple hours. I put on concealer; nobody wants to see Banda at work; my hair is already dry. I don’t want to wear a lot of makeup so I can sleep faster when I come back. I need coffee or I will die. I have no coffee at home and need to buy it. Put shoes on “just couple hours hold it.” I wore comfy pants and a hoodie. It’s Jun, but damn, I'm so cold. Live in D.C. and wear hoodies? Crazy.

I work at the newspaper and do nothing at the same time, they don’t use what I write but keep me writing, stupid. I walk it’s just 20 minutes walking. I could use some fresh air. My head hurts a little, not much, but my body is killing me. I need to find stronger pills.

Slow day, and I hate it. I went to buy some groceries, and I need to eat. I feel like I’m going to faint. I grab grips, strawberries, berries, slices of bread, cereal, milk, pasta, and heavy cream. I need to come back for water and coffee. I opened my apartment door, put them, and went out again to grab coffee and water. I can’t make anything at home; I’m so tired, and I can’t eat something heavy now. I stopped and think a bit. I just don’t know what I want to eat. I give up and go back home. I took a water bottle and went to my room to wash my body, face, and wear panties and a t-shirt. Trying to sleep since I couldn’t think of something to eat. I feel a little safe, my tears so hot on my face. My chest hurts so bad. I don’t know why I have to live like that; there is no purpose to live now. I graduated college this summer. I moved to a new apartment. I have friends when I never thought I would. But I still feel nothing but pain. I can’t even contact people properly without freaking out and want to cry and hide. I still got panic attacks. I still have nightmares. I will never be normal. I’ve never been one.

Something grabs my hand and covers my mouth; I can’t see it, i can’t scream. It hurts, but I don’t know where.

"Angel, help me.” I try to move. I need to help my sister; she’s in danger. "Angel, please, it hurts me. Help me.” I need to tell her to run. I need to—I wake up in heavy breathing with a little scream. I couldn’t help her, and now she’s gone. "No, no, no, please," I hug my pillow and cry harder. I need my inhaler. I need it. I can’t breathe. I tried to find it, but it’s too dark, and I am crying. I opened the flashlight, and I inhaled, one, two. Breath breath. I looked at my phone. It’s just 7:18. When did I come home? I only slept two hours. I got up and washed my face. I pull the sheets out; I need to refresh. My bed looks painful on the eyes; I put them in the washing machine. I heated the milk and put cereal. I need something and I can’t figure it out. I eat on the couch and I'm still crying. I heard my phone I get up to my room. The girls are going out to have dinner. Unusual. Should I go? I need to go out; it’s been three weeks since I got somewhere else, then work and grocery.

Jolly : I’m hungry and still have energy to eat out, let eat together

Meiie : I’m free too!!! Let’s go

Jolly : anyone else?

Sarah : YES, I need distraction

Amielia : I’m sooo in

Me : I’m in too.

Jolly : location.

I return to the couch grab the cereal and eat it. My apartment is just a one bedroom and living room with an open kitchen. I need my privacy even when the rent is a bit expensive. I graduated, Jolly and Amielia took house and lived with each other next to Meiie and her boyfriend. Sarah too lives with her boyfriend. They told me to move with them but I couldn’t live with anyone anymore. We were roommates in college. Basically i moved with them when they already on their second year. They were already friends so i felt out of the place all the time. It was just a month then they invite me whenever something happens. Until we become friends. I graduated early. I took summer classes because there is nowhere to go and I have no place to stay in the summer except the camp.

I decided what i wanted to wear, black shorts and a red tight t-shirt. I looked at the mirror. “What..” white pale skin, high cheekbones, sleepy blue eyes, my dimples are slightly visible since I’m not smiling, it’s been a while since I saw them, fully pale pink lips and so black so long curly hair with a bang around my face. but since when is my body that skinny? I don’t eat much but there is no way i look that horrible. I change to black buggy pants and white long sleeve shirt. This is better. Concealer and blush and gloss. I wanna put eyeliner on but i have no energy to take it off. I wore high heels and took my red bag, i put napkins, gloss, powder, inhaler, and knife. I feel unsafe, just in case. The restaurant 15 minutes. Good. I arrived at 9:15. Good.

The girls already have drinks, and the boyfriends are there too. Amielia’s boyfriend is Rayan, her brother's best friend. Jolly’s boyfriend is Jack Amielia’s brother. Mess. There was a war between them but they made it. Sharah’s boyfriend, William. And never forget Meiie with her boyfriend Loca, he’s Rayan’s and William's friend.

All of them businessmen except Jack working with his father. They are so rich and powerful. Make my stomach shiver. I wish I could be that independent. I slowly walk to the table. I want to go home. I love them, but there are a lot of people on the table I want to throw up. “Hiiii finally, I thought you would never come,” Amie said while she’s hugging me. No, please don’t touch me. So close. “I said I’m coming.” Sarah hugged me too. “She’s joking, baby.” Sarah always brings me back to reality. “I miss you; it’s been ages since we saw you,” Meiie said. Jolly, hold my shoulders and look at me in the eyes. “How are you feeling now?” “I’m good, don’t worry, thanks.” I’m not good at all, and I want to cry. She hugged me so hard, and I think she can feel my heart beat going crazy. I smiled at the men. They all in their early 30s except Jack, who’s 29? I set between Joll and Am.

“Wanna order a drink first?” I don’t drink, but Joll always asks me like the answer is going to change. “No, food." "Yeah, let’s order. My palms sweating, I don’t know what to order, and I don’t think I can even eat. my turn so soon. “I want pasta,” my voice so low. "What, Ms?.” “Pasta,“ I said so loudly. I don’t think it was loud, but I don’t ever raise my voice; I think I always mumbled. I’m not sure what the normal voice is. “Anything else, Lillian?” Joll voice pulls me out of my head. “Huh?” “He asked you, do you want anything else?” “N-no thanks” “drink?” The waiter asked me, and I shook my head no. I need my bed. I want to hide. I want to cry. “You okay?” Sarah asked me. No, “Yeah, I need the restroom.” I push back my chair, I need to close my eyes, they hurt. I lock the door. I can’t cry. I supposed to be having fun. Why am I always like that? I set in the ground while my back was on the door. I heard a soft knock on the door. "Busy,” my voice shaking. “It’s me" Am voice. “give me a minute.” I washed my hands, put some powder under my eyes, took a deep breath, and opened the door. “Hey baby,” why do they always call me baby? I hate it. “Hi, you okay?” I asked, “Yeah, wanna make sure you okay?" “I’m, don’t worry, let’s go back.”

We get back to the table. I don’t really know what they are talking about, but I smile and shake my head until the food arrives. "Liliy,” Ame calls me, “hm?” “How is the work going?” All the eyes on me, silent. Why are they looking at me? I can’t talk shit. “Um” I smiled and shook my head. Yes, what the hell is that? "Good,” my eyes on my food. “is there drama?” Joll now, "hmm,” shook my head no. Can’t you talk? weak. Stop please. My head plays games with me at the wrong time. “Have you seen a cute guy? If not, you know there is blind date” Sarah said and winked. Nooo, I don’t want anything blind. “No, and no thanks." I love them, and I’m happy for them. in 23 and fond the one? Wow. I’m 21 but still never ever date anyone. A lot of reasons, number one: boys love and like my look, but when they try to talk to me, I run. Yes, I physically run. The girls know I never dated anyone, and they are trying with me to make my love life exciting. But I am so scared and can’t trust anyone except myself and the four girls at this table.

“Maybe you are lesbian." Joll said, “I’m not,"  “we will love you always. You have my word.” Sarah now said, “I. am. not." I really don’t know why they always push me with that. “Okay, but if you want someone, tell me, and we will help you get him,” Mia said. "Okay,” I mumbled, wanting to end the conversation. They get into another conversation. I have never wanted someone else more than the charming characters in my books. I will give anything to have one of them I’m basically in love with them. I always swim in my book’s world and put myself in a really unenviable state of mind, it’s makes me float and cry and laugh like I’m really living in the book. Wired. My head is always telling me that it must be true. “Why you’re not eating?” Ame said. Shit, I forgot I’m even out of my apartment. “Wait for the food to get a bit cold,” seriously? “I think it’s so cold now. Do you want to order another?” What no, I can’t afford it. "No, it’s fine." I eat a little and almost throw it up. What's wrong with me? It’s just pasta. I love pasta. I ate a little more, but I couldn’t make it to the half. We paid and said goodbye, and I walked home. A year ago, there were stalker who always sent me messages about how close he is and how I would fit perfectly with him. I was living with the girls, so one day someone tried to come inside our room, and the police came and arrested him. I couldn’t sleep for days, and when I slept, I was getting nightmares. So since then I can’t walk normally without looking like a choked cat. I arrived at my apartment. Go to sleep.

I couldn’t sleep, so I took my sketchbook and I drew some butterflies and raver. Always wanted to live around a raver away from the city. I came from London, I didn’t want to stay there, it makes me sad and scared.

I finished and took a book I already read, but I need to do something since I can’t sleep. It’s 4:30 and I need to go to work by 9. Long time to waste. I opened Amazon to order some books, but why don't I go and buy them? “Tomorrow after work” Okay. Okay. I need time to sleep. I went to work, I went to buy books, and now it's 9:30 and I’m dying to sleep, but too scared. How can I?. I went to bed eventually. I wish I sleep in peace.

“Leave my hands, Angel, please. I have to go."  “Please stop doing this, Hop. I need you” I said, and I can’t see anything. “He will stop doing that to us if I do that” she dropped my hands. "No, please, Hop Please” I wake up screaming and sweating. “Why” I cry while I hug my pillow. I need her, and I can’t reach her.

I get up, wash my body, and face drink coffee with chocolate. Get ready to go to work. Simple task.

Shit day at work, I walk for an hour. I don’t want to go home yet. I need to breathe, and I can't. There is something in my chest, and if I keep mys—ugh, that hurts. What the hell? Something hit my shoulder. "Oh, sorry, I’m really sorry, are you okay?” British accent? What if someone fallsows me from there? I need to run. I didn’t look up, I just needed to run. I started breathing heavily, but I couldn’t move. “Are you okay?" No, I don’t know that voice. I looked up and saw the prettiest eyes, green eyes, pink lips, beautiful noise, and long brown curls. Breathtaking. “You look pale, are you okay?” He’s an Ang—no, no, no one an Angel. "Yes, sorry” I say. “Can I ask you something?” He said while he’s fallowing me, What if someone sent him to kill me? I opened my bag and held the knife. “Please?” I turned around and stopped. “Who sent you?” “What?” “Who?” my eyes full of tears. “No one? I just wanted to apologize and ask you about your name, you look familiar."  He knows me shit. “I’m not” "what’s your name?” "what's yours?"  "Harry.” I looked at him, but no, I definitely don’t know him. He looks like a dream, gorgeous and tall, and my neck hurts because I’m looking up. "Lillian” I mumbled, “beautiful name.” Yes i chose it. He’s so beautiful i wanna touch his cheeks and sketch his face.

I looked down, he was wearing a black suit and black shirt unbuttoned from his chest a bit down. There are tattoos peeking, but my tears make my vision blurry. I turned and walked. I actually ran until I arrived at my apartment. I opened the building door, small hallway, stairs, then my apartment. I set on the stairs with my head on my hands and crying without a voice.

There is no one else in this building, I don’t know why. Meiie's boyfriend rents it to me. Luca tells Meiie I go to his office and sign whatever. It was crowded (wasn't)—maybe 8 men? Don't know. I literally interrupted a meeting in Luca's office, I didn’t look around, I was terrified. Luca told me to wait outside, then he sent someone to hand me the papers that I couldn’t read because of my tears. I take pictures of it though.

Good job embarrassing yourself.

I opened the door and looked around. Is there someone else here? I have my knife in my hand, and I look around. Nothing. Just the bathroom know, I opened it and looked around, nothing, the bathtub, nothing. I stripped, opened the hot water, got inside, and cried myself until I felt my head start hurting and my vision so blurry. I went out, put on some lotion, did my hair, and wore panties and a t-shirt. Eat pancakes and drink coffee. Its just 7 p.m. I went to bed even though I’m not sleeping.

Harry’s POV

I open my eyes to turn off the alarm, wash my face, I don't bother getting dressed except for my underwear, I go for a run around my house in the garden for an hour, shower, breakfast, get ready, go to my first meeting of the day with Loca, I own a security company and everyone in the meeting even Loca is waiting for me to provide security for their next deal, it's not the first time I do it but it will be a good return for the company (not that I want more money I have enough to buy half the earth), I park my car in the parking lot, I go to Loca's office, I really don't want to be here all I want is my office. I open the door and they are waiting for me. Loca tells his assistant not to interrupt the meeting.

They start the meeting and I am just there to listen without participating. Suddenly the door opens and silence falls in the office, all eyes are on the door because no one opens the door of a CEO's office like that let's be honest. White shoes with pink socks, shorts that reach halfway down the thighs, and trembling hands holding the red bag as if it were the only source of oxygen, a red top with a jacket? It is the middle of May, tired eyes filled with tears, she did not look at anyone in the room except Loca, for a moment I thought she was Loca's girlfriend but he shouted at her to wait outside. The meeting ended and they all left. "So this is the girlfriend huh" i said.

"Her best friend", "why in earth your girlfriend's best friend coming to you crying" i said dryly. "I think her eyes always like that. She needs a place and I'm renting her my old building, Meie asked me to rent it to her." He said looking in my eyes.

"Doing good things" i said then i got up and took the elevator. I drove to my office and couldn't stop thinking about her.

It's 6 pm and I didn't get out my office. The picture of her all over my head. It's been a week and i still couldn't take her out of my mind and there is just an idea flying around my head and I couldn't not catch it. I start digging about the girl. Her name Lilian Halford. No middle name nothing before age 18 not even one information. My head hurts l've never ever not found what I want. She studied English literature, worked three jobs at one time for two years, took a summer school and finished early. No relatives. No social media accounts. No personal public photos not even in her friends accounts. Never traveled just one time and it was from London to D.C. at 18.

"What the fuck" my head in my hands I can't find anything else. I went home but couldn't sleep. I need to see her again or my head gone explode if i keep thinking of her.

After two weeks of trying to find any information i went into some Files from the British government, it was the only thing left to me to try since she's coming from London.

My hands sweating, it 2 am and I'm at the couch, took me 6 hours to have access to those files. I typed her name, there is her name— "what? No way" her real name or old name Angel Jezebel Rose, her father.. everyone knows her father. The one who killed his wife and his little boy then shot a bullate on his head and left his 18 year old son with two 13 year old girls. That was all over the news back then. "Went to fosters?" When she turned 16 went to foster, not that but her big brother and twin sister died? Her brother overdosed and her sister— "shit shit shit" my eyes hurt I didn't notice that my tears were falling.

"What the fuck" I can't keep looking my chest hurts. I tried to sleep but i couldn't. It's 6 am and I'm still up, I opened my laptop and looked again. Her parents were addicted and she had three siblings, her parents were arrested for assaulting their children, twice. There are photos? Shit / can't click on it.. no I can't no. i did. A little girl with blonde hair and blue eyes her face was red from crying with bruises all over her, the other picture was a little girl— my chest hurts so much how can I kill somebody already dead? A black hair with bruises on her face, chest, neck brace, and broken arm. The record says the blonde girl who called Hop was getting insulted by her father and her mother for no reason, when the black hair girl who called Angel tried to defend her sister. The sister hid and called the police,

the other girl kept getting beaten by her parents. The girls were 9 years old, and the mother was pregnant, both the parents were using drugs for 24/7. The police released them after they signed a pledge. I closed my laptop and walked around the living room. I need something strong to drink, i looked at the clock but it's 7 am i will go for a run.

It's 9:15 and I'm in my office i need to sleep and work. But I can't stop thinking of her and I can't work, i pulled her location and drove to. I sit in the car in the front street. The building door opens, and there she is. So beautiful face with black long waves and curls, hoodie and black pants. "Who the fuck wore hoodies in the middle of summer?" Her face looks so delicious to touch and kiss— "what the fuck I'm thinking of" she looks around then walks, stops in front of coffee shop but she didn't go inside, she start biting her lip, and look down to her shoes.

She walks and stops again and looks at the coffee shop again.

So fucking cute, she walked again then stopped and looked back and got inside the coffee shop "finally wasn't so hard to decide whether to take or not a fucking cup of coffee" she starts running until she stopped in front of her work building.

I stayed in my car until 3 pm, I want my bed so bad. she come out and walking to grocery store then to her apartment, she stumbled and fell on her ass, got up and turned around to clean her pants but her face was full of tears, and my heart sank i wanna hold her.

I'm in the middle of fucking business dinner and i wanna sleep,

"so Harry, have you looked at my new offer?" No i was looking at my girl. " yes and I don't like it's, if you need my protection you gonna give me what i want" I didn't even bother asking what his offer was. And what the fuck with my girl? Really?

Two weeks later, I couldn't hold myself back, I want her now.

Trying to keep everything normal as I followed her after her work, I didn't plan to hit her shoulder that hard but her body was too delicate for my touch. Her face was filled with fear, it made my stomach flip and regret rise up inside me. She even thought that someone sent me? Is someone following her? It wasn't the first time so she was asking me if I was sent by someone?

Please tell me what you think :3

[juliapark13]

jungkook himself admitted in their early debut years that the hyung he feels most comfortable talking to is jimin. jikook have always been close on an emotional, deeper level than taekook ever were. and taekook were close at their early years; closer than they were in 2016-2020.

tkkrs say that jikook started doing fan service in what? 2015? 2016? when they (not) so 'suddenly' became closer and jk stopped pushing jimin away in front of cameras? ok then explain to me why jk has been sneaking into jimin's bed at night prior to 2015, even when him and taehyung were supposedly closer? why did jk go to jimin for comfort or when he needed a shoulder to cry on, or a listening ear to talk to, when tae was right there and they were supposedly the bestest friends at the time? or was teenager kook a liar doing fanservice at that time too?

i'll give you a hint, tae and jk are not on the same emotional wavelength. their friendship is superficial, they have fun playing together, hanging out with friends together. similar to jinkook i would say, minus the age gap. but when they (in this case, jungkook) need to really talk to someone, or just bask in the comfort of someone's proximity, they go to jimin. both of them.

jungkook used to sneak into jimin's bed as a teenager, he found the most comfort from talking to jimin. he feels the most connected to jimin on stage (his words from 2020 interview) and he still sneaks into jimin's room (2021 vmk vlive) past midnight and multiple times a day just sitting there doing nothing. it's almost like *gasp* he feels comforted by having jimin in his proximity!

almost every weverse live he did this year he looked... lonely. like he had a lot on his mind and didn't have someone to talk to. (if you're an empath that was easy for you to see) but tae was available, they went out all the time (with friends) and yet... jungkook came back home feeling empty, having a lot on his mind, and can only be comforted by army's presence (he said this himself i'm not making shit up). he spent 3 hours live wth armys on white day, and even cried at the end, but tae was in korea at the time. his mood was sour on the premiere day live, he spent over 15 minutes in silence, he didn't wanna look at the comments, he even got pissed at the aurora lights and turned them off; even though he was with tae a few hours prior. why couldn't he just talk to tae about whatever it is that was bothering him? how are armys, that he can only communicate with through a screen, gonna offer him more comfort than his supposed best friend (or boyfriend, according to tkkrs)?

i don't think i have to tell you whose comfort he actually needed at the time but that person—coincidentally—wasn't in korea on both occasions.

jk looked much brighter in his last live though, he looked happy, healthy, eating good, working out (again, his words), he even had his lights on! both the regular ones and the aurora lights! which is a rare sight to see. he did this live a day after his comfort person left korea, so as usual he came to hangout out with his second best. army. it's crazy what having an emotional connection with someone can do to your mental health.

FACTS

Thank you.

But I think Jungkook and Jin are emotionally closer than tk.

Jungkook and Jimin have unmatched emotional connection. ♡

[cursed-blade-gf]

Nimona illuminates the final part of my entire gender crisis and not only what led up to who I am but the truth of who I am and who I know myself to be.

I use she/her, they/them, and any and all pronouns.

I grew up knowing I was different like most trans people. I could never explain it because I never had the words. That inability to understand what any of my confused and festering feelings meant.

I grew up alone. I had family, but they were so invested in turning me into the ideal man that they refused to meet me at my level.

As I entered school, friends didn’t last very long. My longest friendship was 4 months until I entered college. I still don’t talk to anyone from high school because no one cared to invest their time into me. So I stayed lonely.

It had been long past the time I’d discovered it was a gender issue. At 12, I discovered that being a guy at all was distasteful to me. Acting masculine felt like I was pouring acid on my skin while being told to not act feminine was, fittingly, like stifling tears. You know they want to come out and they will eventually and you can’t stop it no matter how hard people tell you not to, but you bottle it anyways because people won’t like you if you cry.

That bottling.

That shoving down all of those trans emotions.

They don’t go away.

And when you also live in Utah, the state of the high and mighty. The self-righteous. And you hear EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. For 21 years. “Being gay is a sin.” “Being trans won’t get you to heaven.” Hearing the scoffs of disapproval at a guy acting feminine. Seeing the bullying. Witnessing the abuse and control your parents carve into you by saying things like “stop acting like that” or “walk it off” or “you do what we tell you because you live in our house.”

They wait. And they bubble.

It’s like a volcano. Pressure builds. For 10 years, it builds. And that volcano does release steam every once in a while. But it sits. And waits. Until it can’t anymore. And then…

People used to think volcanos were monstrous creatures that sat beneath the earth. It’s not true for real volcanos. It’s true for people.

It hit in high school. All of that pent up frustration. All of that anger and rage and sorrow. Just slowly releases for 5 years. And the wild thing is that it just. Kept. Going. I hit 22-23 and I was still ripping my own world to shreds. Friendships, family relationships, a marriage. All torn into tatters.

And it wasn’t just the undiagnosed ADHD. It was a person who kept forcing herself to fit into the boxes and the roles and the expectations of a girl who was trying to fit the mold of a lie. A false ideal. A belief that someone else had shackled her with.

And when she broke those shackles, she saw how people saw her.

As a monstrosity. An abomination. A creature. A demon. A nameless entity that people refused to care about or accept.

That monstrosity tried to kill herself 3 times over that span of 7-ish years, almost adding another tally to Utah’s record of being the state with the most suicides. Because like Nimona said…

"I don't know what's scarier. The fact that everyone in this kingdom wants to run a sword through my heart... or that sometimes, I just wanna let them."

I’m much better now. After my marriage fell apart, I got into therapy. I got my ADHD diagnosis and I’m working towards getting an anxiety diagnosis and maybe a few other things that are screaming inside the cage that is my brain.

I’m still not good at making friends. Between the neurodivergence and the transgender pride that I carry and wear out in the open, not a lot of people want to hitch their cart to a fluidflux creature like me.

I don’t bottle my feelings anymore. I also don’t take shit from the people that continue to view my existence as a threat or treat me like a villain, an abomination, and a curse. Because as we all know, people fear what they don’t understand. And even when what they don’t understand is me, a “monster”, they try to kill me or force me outside the walls or attempt to capture, restrain, and shove me into a box.

I considered letting them win several years ago. Never again.

However, that ideal that Nimona carried sits within my soul.

Maybe I am a monster. Maybe it’s why I hyperfixate on gods and monsters and myths and the darker side of the stories we’re told and the creatures that loom in the shadows.

Because I know how the world sees me. They see a monster.

And maybe that’s not so much of a bad thing. Maybe it’s better to be the thing they fear.

[prettyoddfever]

i was reading your post about northern downpour and how you don’t understand how newer fans find it sad even though it’s a happy song. i cant speak for everyone but personally, actually i really dont know how to describe it, but the way it’s played and the way that it’s sung (clearly ryan really knew what he was doing when directing brendon haha) i feel like i can describe it as a calming kind of bittersweet feeling, it’s got this ‘life’s been shit for so long but everthing will be okay’ kind of vibe to it and it’s just so relieving to listen to that it makes me want to cry, i get the same kind of feeling listening to ‘everyone but you’ -TYV and ‘farewell and goodnight’ -the smashing pumpkins, songs like that. if that makes any sense at all hahaha.

but as well as that the lyrics are just so good, like the juxtaposition, similes, metaphors (if you can call it that) in the lines like ‘for diamonds do appear to be, just like broken glass to me’ ‘through playful lips made of yarn’ ‘unraveled words like moths upon old scarves’ ‘the ink is running towards the page, it’s chasing off the days’, i find them so fascinating and perfect to describe this feeling of being stuck or forgetting that life keeps going or the morality of everything.

and parts like ‘hey moon, please forget to fall down’ where it’s almost like wanting time to stop and to just live in that one moment forever and then it goes to ‘sugarcane in the easy morning, weather vanes, my one and lonely’ taking in whatever is happening in the moment but also everything reminding you of the past, and of course ‘i know the worlds a broken bone, but melt your headaches call it home’ it’s like being able to be content with your life and feeling the relief of that.

oh my god i’ve just gone on a tangent at this point and forgotten why i even started writing this sorry HAHAHA

this is just how i’ve interpreted the song, i dont think everyone will have the same thoughts obviously, and i doubt it’s even close to what ryan’s vision was when writing it, but everyone finds ways to relate to things but that’s just the beauty of music and i think that also adds to why a lot of people find this song to be ‘sad’

I love this tangent! It's totally relatable & understandable... thanks for taking the time to share all of that! Yeah, at the bottom of this post I was genuinely curious why younger fans seem to focus so much on "crying to Northern Downpour" if they aren't hit with the nostalgia for 2008 & the depth of everything that that song represented back then. So what you said makes sense that now it's more like the powerful impact of the song itself in a general sense that anyone can tie into their own lives. I love that.

[chipped-chimera]

So since the fates decided not to give me a idk ... big gay aunt to guide me along with my sexuality realisation, I'm kind of at a loss of what to do. I'm 30 and I went off the dating market back when meeting someone online to date was considered 'novel'. Idk how the fuck to use dating apps.

So I guess I'll throw this cry for help to you, people who follow my blog apparently, in the case you have some insight? More deets below the cut oh god help me

Okay so basically - I think I am (somewhat hesitantly) ready to start looking at dating apps. I've kind of hit a point in my self-work where I think I could actually handle rejection - which was the entire reason I was holding off in the first place. Because I know I have a lot of potential "deal breakers" to contend with, getting to this point was my bare minimum.

So aside from the obvious I-have-never-used-a-dating-app-in-my-life problem, I guess my other problems are the following:

Do I disclose I am disabled on my profile? My disability is technically 'invisible' and while I absolutely could go hang out with someone at a bar or whatever it WILL knock me out for like ... two days. Especially right now where I haven't really done any big social-ey shit in a while. Idk how else I can explain that I will absolutely still want to do things with someone, I just have the energy habits of a house cat (sure I don't say nap every day anymore but sometimes I really just gotta lie in the dark ... Yeah :C )

Disability also kind of explains all the other deal breaker shit. I won't go into that. Aside from the obvious 'money ain't great' and I cannot avoid interdependence. Like I am still recovering and hoping for the best but I don't know what the end of this shit looks like. I know there is going to be permanent damage. But I also am not gonna bench myself until I'm 'well' (also because I'm touch starved and THIRTY).

Ugh, photos. Due to disability reasons (see I told you it explains everything) my irl social circle died years ago because I could just not keep up and I've had the photographic record of a cryptid for the past ten years. So now I have to basically go TAKE photos and it feels very forced. But I'm also aware apps are really visual, so idk - ideas? Tips?

Is there some obvious Lesbian space I'm missing? Am I missing the lesbian bat signal? I've joined Facebook groups for my city but they're quiet and tend to be populated by much older people (did I mention I hate Facebook?) Also apparently queer scene is kinda sucky in my city at the moment because one of our two gay bars changed ownership and it may as well just be a regular bar now. For the moment I've just been hanging out on Reddits to feel somewhat connected but it doesn't really help my irl situation and lack of social anything.

Yeah I am not selling myself here but I'd rather be honest early on and make sure anyone who isn't cut out for it or emotionally mature enough to handle that I have baggage (well treated baggage!) Is filtered out. But I also feel like putting disability right on my profile could result in a knee jerk reaction which would prevent them from even trying to get to know me. Like I do feel I have some really appealing things about me that I'm happy about, and I do think offset the bad - I've just had a rough time of it.

Augh idk. I'm lonely. And very confused. Anyways any kind of advice or insight would be highly appreciated 🥺

[rrxnjun]

(im really stupid but i hope u like this fanletter 😭)

hello <3 this is for my favourite writer on tumblr; to the the same writer who does not realise how much their works could mean to someone, the lovely @rrxnjun 🎀 !!!

so, i found your blog at the beginning ot this month– november, 2023, and now that the month's about to end, i have nearly finished reading all your nct works.

to me, this month is the most special one of this year. why? because i found your blog, your stories– some pieces of your mind. i found you through one of those nct fanfic recs, 'take the stairs - njm' being the first work i read from you. it was sweet, it made me happy. and then i read the other two parts of the 'simplify romance' series, which will always hold a special place in my heart.

this year has been the worst for me, with no one for me to lean on to, weird identify crisis shit, and losing myself in this tiring process of growing up. but you know what? you saved 2023 for me. when no one's words could speak to me, yours did. you make me feel a little less lonely.

im a silly teenager, who never read sad/mainly angsty stories before i found you because i was scared, i was confident i'd cry. and i did. i gathered the courage to read angst only because you'd written it, and it was so worth it. ive stayed up so many nights this month just to read your works in peace and privacy, hidden from my family, and then spend the days thinking about how you literally create art, and telling my bestfriends about it. you are blessed. you are phenomenal. no amount of thank yous or i love yous could be enough for me to express my gratitude. you've made me feel so at peace with my thoughts sometimes and you've made me feel like i'm not alone. you have magic in your hands. i owe you so much, i wish i could gift you something, but sadly im still a minor and theres a few years until i finish uni and then get a job, and then i promise i'll get you something, because i am so lucky to be able to read your stories for free. you deserve so much more than followers, likes and reblogs. each one of your fics have made me tear up and all of them are too special for me.

this month ive read all of your nct dream '00 line fics, and my favourite was 'happier than ever' which i finished a week ago— AND I SWEAR THAT FIC DESTROYED ME 😭😭😭 it had me bawling my eyes out for two hours on a school night i love it so so fucking much, i literally think about it daily and i told all my friends about it and im so in love with it, please tell me, for my inner peace that renjun and the reader ended up getting together and being fine because im gonna cry over it for the rest of my life IDC IF THEY DIDNT END UP TOGETHER please lie to me and tell me they did 💔💔💔💔💔😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

i want you to know, and to remember this whenever you feel even a little like giving up— you have magic, bar, don't ever let go of that magic.

your stories make me want to heal and to help everyone heal. to be loved and to love everyone. to be cared for and care for everyone. your magic helps me survive my days with a little smile. thank you so much for everything you've done for me, without realising you're helping me live.

every single word i wrote here– i swear on everything i have, i genuinely mean it. you are the best thing that happened this year :) i hope that one day someone will love you as much as i love your blog.

(me when i talk about your work)

P.S. permission to take a screenshot of your blog and paste it to my scrapbook by which i can remember my teenage years that your stories mended, please?

thank you for reading, ily ❤️

- your biggest fan (hopefully no one's more dedicated!!) 💘

when i saw this in my inbox i got so emotional i couldnt reply immidiately because i genuinely wanted to sob. this is so so sweet and it mustve taken a long time to type out and i appreciate you a WHOLE lot, not only for this, but also for supporting me sm over the last month. :,)

take the stairs is a very sweet and fun fic and i am glad you found my blog through this one, haha. the simplify romance series holds my favorite fics and i PROMISE to finish jeno's entry at the beginning of the next year!! it HAS to be done. it means a lot to me that you took the time of your day to read my works and that you enjoyed them so much to let me know.

i am happy to hear that my work could help you through some hard times. as a reader on this platform as well, i do know that feeling very well and i could never imagine being that person to someone, but i am glad my words could be there for you when no one else could. hearing this makes all the effort feel worth it, and it's something i'll think of whenever im having a hard time with my work again. i also hope life is nicer to you in the future, and if you ever need someone, my inbox is always open.

having my fics be called art is something i never imagined could happen. it's beyond what i think about my work, but i am honored to hear this compliment, truly. despite being a writer i cant find the words to express my gratitude towards you and your supportive words right now >:( it does mean the whole entire world to me. please do NOT worry about "paying me back" or something, i do this because it's what i love doing and sharing my work with others makes me happy, so an ask like this is more than enough for me. you made me feel really appreciated and i will remember and treasure your kind words forever.

happier than ever is definitely a heavier read, since it's partly from personal experience, hh. i tend to project on renjun a lot so take this as a warning for my other renjun fics LMAO. TT this fic has a special place in my heart and hearing you talk so highly about it makes me all warm on the inside hhhhh my love langugage is words of affirmation stop this or ill cry. i enjoy leaving my fics open-ended to interpretation of the reader, so whatever you feels fits their story is how the story ends for you. <3

i will definitely use this ask as a reminder to not give up when i feel like doing so. it really brought me a lot of strength :) thank you for calling my writing magic. i never imagined someone describing it that way, but it does feel good to hear haha

knowing that my work helped somebody and made them heal and feel all sorts of emotions inside makes me feel at peace. thank you so much. SO much.

also u really make me want to bawl with that scrapbook comment. cant believe im an important part of someone's teenage years :((

once again, words cant express how much this means to me. thank you and i hope my fics continue to be a source of good things for you :) i will think of this often. ily

[heartfucksmouth]

just crying silently while holding a finally-sleeping baby (20 lbs and 2.5 feet tall baby) who refused to nap longer than 30 mins today and has emotional tantrums like a 2 yr old, complete with throwing their bodies backwards and biting lolol this poor kiddo just wants to be a big people

I think I'm just crying bc I'm so tired and feeling a lot of conflicting emotions about literally everything in life. like why does the world continue to spiral out in flames and I feel like I'm in survival mode when all I've wanted to do for 4 years is actually LIVE and THRIVE and, now, raise my child to be a good human but everything is isolating and a fucking battle to get done and I feel lonely and I can't even spend time with my partner or focus on myself I feel like time is constantly running out, money is running out, kindness is running out, and my brain cells can't even function anymore.

like. being a mom and being ill is really fucking hard. as if that's a surprise, but I'm so overwhelmed anticipating the next 3 months bc I've got 10 more appointments this month alone, plus an endoscopy and my pre-op is in MAY and I'm gonna have fucking hip surgery while I have a 1 year old who will probably definitely be walking lmao

also the world is on fire, did I say that? myles hours got cut at ups bc they're greedy fucks and we simultaneously lost our food stamps bc he made too much money during holiday season and I've been waiting over a month for my new application to get filed and I'm basically living on coffee smoothies electrolytes and whatever his mom cooks for dinner. at least I can kind of feed my kid tho even tho he wants solid food already bc on the inside he's a 30 yr old and WIC only pays for formula + purees.

day by day. hour by hour. it's all I can do. I'm so. fuvking. sick of burning out 2 days after I finally recover. I have so much more to say but no energy to form words anymore.

parenting is so fucking triggering it's wild. today wasn't even all that bad, either, but everything reminds me of my past right now. and I continue having to mask and play nice with a literal energy vampire that we live with sooooo

editing to add that I am still extremely obsessed with my son , he's beautiful and his laughter is like a drug I've never experienced and he looks like a literal cherub when he sleeps but holy shit let's start being honest about parenting too. this world doesn't make ANYTHING easy for most people...

[its-toasted]

[100 days deep]

i walked with no limp or pain for the first time on acid in late april. it was too soon, numbness induced by the drug so i suffered after lol. but we got home and i was just crying on the floor because we were free, and up til then i wasn't sure this was healing normally. another month past and we're almost ready for the regular bops. this week is straight 70s no rain, and by midsummer i'll be shooting hoops again

despite the creative shadings lately, i don't feel dark. i feel sharp and healthy (lol) and whole, but very in my box. a lot of what i crank cuts against accessible flows, but like i write to the world all day and that gets so tiring if you can imagine, so here i still like to write my page songs. i guess i'm in a holding pattern til at least after we move, or when i hear back from the two chap contests i'm most rooting for

the press i was a finalist for was Iron Horse! i'm not surprised i didn't win, like reading the work of poets i was up against i shook my head. so dope. we'll get em next time. it meant a world that they believed so much in the first place, and let me reflect in ways that i needed. the last couple months i've been reading hella tumblr and journals again. i ask myself why not write shit that could connect. it's a long and not-great story, at least the way i'd tell it. i'm not very interested in thinking beautifully right now. of course i chase it but i won't get there fake, there's shit i need to work through before i play pretend

i need to get to the next place naturally. feel like i've been breaking the same ground for a while. the broken foot really fucked with our trajectory, but it did allow time for me to stay right with work, with money, with hunting for a home, and growing with the dog. we've been ready to move for a month, still another to wait. everyday i'm trying to keep my head straight, get better at what i do. remember that i don't need to prove myself anymore, because that's still hard for someone like me. an ex-many things type. so yeah i'm scared to crack the code. being lonely fucks with the head. it's nothing deadly

[qumiiiquinnquin]

i only noticed last week that i start shaking at the thought of having to talk to others

i always knew my social anxiety was bad. but i only started to notice in recent years ((especially after shutdowns in 2020)) that i almost cant talk to people - literally anyone - at all

it wasnt so bad when i was little. i could kind of socialize with kids my age. id mostly be the one to engage first because i wanted to make friends. sometimes i did it with no problems. other times i was pretty anxious when doing so. i worried a lot how others would think of me and what they would say to me or others. but i was mostly by myself and preferred it that way, even if i did get lonely at times. and if other kids engaged with me, i became very anxious and quiet, and would say very little. there was a kid at a park i went to several years ago in colorado and he came up to talk to me while i was on the swing. i felt bad because i wanted to talk, but i was pretty anxious most of the conversation. i only started to open up more near the end before he had to go

i actually had a much easier time talking to teachers throughout preschool (and daycare) up to some point in high school than talking to any of my peers

i know i always had trouble ordering food at places. i always became too nervous and was almost never loud enough for them to hear me. i shut down easily when i have to repeat myself (something im trying to work on) so relatives had to order for me. my stepdad was really understanding throughout my childhood and would always help me order when we would go to subway. family here is much less inclined to help and doesn't like it at all when i lock up when i have to order. it annoys them, and ive been told repeatedly to speak up and to get over my fear

the last place we went to, i almost immediately whipped out my phone to type out my order after i was initially responded with "what?" because she couldn't hear me, but my family was there and i know they would've gotten upset. pissed, probably. likely wouldve had my phone snatched from me. i always try to speak up so they can hear me and i have to just say what i want without thinking about it to avoid clamming up. but i still am shaking and my face turns red because of embarrassment

especially since shutdowns though, talking to people feels impossible. i dont talk to anyone except friends, but even then we run out of things to say and we sit there in silence. school makes you socialize with others a lot, but id almost never speak unless it was a requirement and the teacher would know when someone wasn't speaking, or if i felt too pressured to speak. most times i would either observe or dissociate. ive only gone out twice to shop for myself since shutdowns; one of the times i stuttered extremely bad and came very close to crying out of embarrassment right there at checkout, the other i could barely bring myself to talk and managed to only get half of a "thank you" out (it sounded like an annoyed mumble when i wasnt annoyed at all. i still feel bad about that)

ive turned around from any place that i start to go to, like food places, because im too anxious to go in and especially terrified out of my mind to make an order. im glad my sibling has become more understanding, they've been asking what i want and then ordering it for me while i pay (i feel bad to be very honest). its with my sibling that i have more confidence, but im still too scared to say anything

and this anxiety is carrying over to how i interact with people on social media! i used to not be so afraid to talk to people. but in the past bit over a year replying to any responses i get has become daunting. ive had to stop talking to friends for several days because im busy or mental health shit, but coming back and sending them anything back immediately feels scary, even if i know them well and they know me well. and i end up making the last time we talked extend to several more days. sometimes weeks... sometimes...months. im not trying to ghost people. and i do not like that sending a message back to anyone makes me shake uncontrollably and sweat like i just ran a 10k at full speed without stopping (idfk)

its bothering me lots especially now in college. social interaction is required for certain assignments and participation. but all i can do is sit there, shaking, heart pounding, unable to talk to anybody. we are all adults there, so we are expected to act as such. my extreme social anxiety doesn't fly there and ill likely be told one day that im acting like a child or i need to get used to talking to people or something to that effect

idk how to end this off

[obislittleone]

I’ve been freaking really shit lately. Really lonely. Really depressed. Reading HOM stops that if only just for a short time, but it helps me. I get to forget all about my real life and experience the feeling of being loved. It’s mesmerizing how you manage to do that, to make me feel like I’m actually a part of the story, to feel like I’m in the midst of it. Your story has immensely helped me these past months, especially because I’ve been going through a lot lately. Thank you so much🫶 you make my days☹️💓

This is so sweet i’m bout to cry… don’t thank me, lovely… it’s you guys who encourage me and send me sweet notes like this that make me want to keep writing, even when it’s hard to do so. I hope whatever you’re going through gets better, and I’m so glad that HoM has been a bit of a safe space for you to enjoy yourself. Take care and have a nice morning/afternoon/night!!!

[clongert]

shush. look away.

sometimes, the horrors of what has trangressed over the past two weeks fill my mind. how am i still standin. Like what in the actual fucking fuck.

Last week, 10am-7:30pm Monday, 12:30pm - 9pm Tuesday, 9:30am - 7pm Wednesday (+ duty, 7pm-8am next day). 11am - 6:30pm Thursday (+ duty, 7pm-8am next day), 11am-8:30pm Friday.

That's an average of 8.9 hour-days without including duty, 10.5 hour-days including just 1st and 2nd rounds, and 14.1 hour per day if counting full duty over this past week. Oh also, Saturday 10-6pm for a coding contest.

This week: 9:30am-7:30pm Monday, 9:30am-11pm Tuesday, 7:30am - 8pm Wednesday, 8:30am -10pm Thursday, and this past day was 10am-8:30pm for Friday. That is, 12 hour-days on average. just on average. there were 2 13.5 hour days.

the burnout is fucking real

i need to like. feel all the pain of this. like when zoro took 1% of luffy's pain and fucking shit himself. but how did I do this. how did I manage this without going insane

am i the goat or should i shit my pants.

oh two other things. lonely. also: seeing people discuss plans for something this Saturday, and not coming to talk to you. Okay, maybe they didn't think of you. that's fine.

ask about it-> "I have an improv show". No invite?? fuck it, take it at face value. at some later point, someone says "oh it's [friend]'s birthday party this weekend" I mean, that alone hurts lmao. but I'm not one to be spurred (too much?) by the lack of the invite, even if the invite encompasses alllllllllllllllll of my fucking friends. and I don't mean like, former friends. current friends. sure. whatever. Hurts, but I'll fucking live.

I mean, i'm not one that should get angry at that. I've been on the other, exclusionary side before. Happens, y'know? and drama arose. I don't want to be that person.

But to just be lied to?? like man. ouch. i mean, there were lot of different ways it could've gone. 1. just tell me about it?? and like if invitation list is up to that friend, okay, sure maybe I'm a fucking shitter. I don't care. The next thing would be like asking that friend on my behalf, or fucking not! not your decision, I don't blame you. But to lie to my face?? fuck y'all fr. 2. just avoid discussing it in front of me?? I mean like, that's what y'all already kinda did anyways. I don't know why so many people let it slip.

And man, literally everyone? Every single fucking person? but myself. Like borrowing board games from one friend, there's one more that's an assumption but I know everyone else got an invite. hell, I saw like 2 in front of my godamn motherfucking face. should I talent show or what.

anyways. i'll regret everything later. might be crying time.

oh also. got boba to relax. can't sleep. might be amongusing time.

[punkpinkpower]

now you're just a stranger with all my secrets

For the very specific feeling of grieving a friendship with someone still alive

Best Friend by Lauren Aquilina Someone you thought you'd know 'till the end / Nobody breaks my heart like my best friend

I Lost a Friend by FINNEAS And I'll be fine without ‘em / But all I do is write about ‘em / How the hell did I lose a friend I never had?

break up with a friend by BLU EYES I know that sometimes / Good things have to end / But nobody tells you / How to break up with a friend

How To Lose A Friend by Wafia Nobody tells you how it's supposed to end / How do you go from talking every day / To will we ever speak again?

When You Lose Someone by Nina Nesbitt One of the hardest things I've ever had to learn / Is how to lose someone

do all my friends hate me? by Mckenna Grace My anxiety tells me / That you're better without me / Now I'm crying alone

I Guess That Was Goodbye by Lyn Lapid Watching the sky, I thought I had more time / What a lie, I guess that was goodbye / I guess that was goodbye

Over For Real by Niko Rubio So I drove to the valley / And pulled down an alley / And grabbed the first dumpster I found / I lifted the lid and threw in your shit / Said a prayer and spit on the ground

lonely isn’t the word for this by Zach Hood I called you up, but you sent me straight to voicemail / Oh well, I guess that it's set in stone

Now That We Don’t Talk by Taylor Swift I cannot be your friend, so I pay the price of what I lost / And what it cost / Now that we don't talk

Supercut by Lorde 'Cause in my head (In my head, I do everything right) / When you call (When you call, I'll forgive and not fight)

not my job anymore by Thomas Day If I'm being honest, I know I made the right decision / It hurts lettin' go, but it hurt more keeping that position

Sick of Losing Soulmates by dodie I can finally see you're as fucked up as me / So how do we win? / Yeah, I'm sick of losing soulmates

someday i’ll get it by Alek Olsen I think of you all of the time / Now that you're gone

my tears ricochet by Taylor Swift And I can go anywhere I want / Anywhere I want, just not home

Learning To Live Without You by Hajaj I only thought about you 16 times today / I only stopped myself from calling you twice

Hope You’re Not Happy by Ashe I hope you're not happy without me / I hope that it's hard to get out of bed / I hope you get angry about me / I hope you're not happy ever again

Friend by Gracie Abrams So funny how you feel like we would ever talk again / How could you think I'd be your friend?

Forget I Exist by Sam MacPherson It's okay if you forget everything that you promised / It's okay if you forget all the things that we wanted / If my name is something that you no longer acknowledge

Moral of the Story by Ashe Some mistakes get made / That's alright, that's okay / You can think that you're in love / When you're really just in pain

Love You From a Distance by Ashley Kutcher I still see your face when I go to sleep / I'll always love you, will you always love me?

Set Me Free by Joshua Bassett It's been a fucking year / And I've been doing my time, I've been working on me

I should hate you by Gracie Abrams All I ever think about is where the hell you even are / And I swear to god, I'd kill you if I loved you less hard

Meant To Be by Ber, Charlie Orliain It's hard to leave us in the past / But perfect's just a lot to ask / We're meant to be, not made to last

You’re On Your Own, Kid by Taylor Swift I search the party of better bodies / Just to learn that you never cared / You're on your own, kid / You always have been

Here’s To Moving On by Dashboard Confessional It's funny, I thought for a bit there I'd never be able to deal / But I make some coffee and I'll take a shower and I start to heal

thanK you aIMee by Taylor Swift Everyone knows that my mother is a saintly woman / But she used to say she wished that you were dead

Your Ex-Lover is Dead by Stars It's nothing but time and a face that you'll lose / I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose

see you later (ten years) by Jenne Raine Let me know when it's time to come back / Maybe when your life is on track

[mypointerfinger]

June 25, 2024, 1:45am

to preface, this will most likely be an on-and-off, up-and-down “blog” (if you can call disjointed thoughts that), so if this were to gather any attention on a whim, don’t look forward to a schedule. this is simply a way for me to rant.

i’m laying in bed and i’m listening to a playlist i set up to really plunge me into being upset. a lot of dreamy and beautiful music that helps me get worked up, cry, and then go to bed. i have work in 5 hours, but i’m always late, so more like 5 and a half hours.

i fucked everything up. honestly, only sometimes i feel like it’s my fault, other times i feel like people are weird, but tonight i just feel lonely. it’s been 4 years since i had a true group of friends i could hang out with in person, and we’re closing in on a couple months from losing my online friends. it’s not even like we grew apart, it was a very sudden removal of me from their lives. currently i have maybe 2 people i would consider true friends, one of them lives in Texas and the other just moved to New Jersey about an hour and a half away. the one in New Jersey i grew up with, but we haven’t spoken regularly in a long time. my friend from Texas is a guy i met online, but truly one of the only people i could ever say i trusted 100%. i wanna say i’ve hung out with him in person 3 times, maybe 4. it’s overwhelming when i say that because that’s basically the only times i’ve hung out with someone in person in the past few years. nowadays he’s pretty busy, he’s doing a lot better societally and monetarily than me as well so we don’t relate as much as we used to. i wish i could say i was as motivated as him but my biggest struggle has always been sloth. working a part time job and still being too tired to go in every day you’re supposed to is pretty impressive, right?

as a note, i’m just making separate paragraphs whenever i feel like my thoughts are getting to a new topic.

i feel like i have something special to offer to the world, but i’ve struggled to figure it out since i was a kid. truth be told, since about age 13 i thought i would grow up and kill myself before i got to college, and when you think like that for most of your conscious life, you don’t exactly plan for what’s gonna happen after you’re supposed to be dead. i take a lot of interest in the area, my grandfather was an architect and my mom owns an art studio so they’ve definitely influenced my hobbies. my problem, however, is analysis paralysis. i enjoy a lot of things but can’t dedicate myself to one of them. and not to be up my own ass, but i think i’m pretty good at making what i make, too. i’ve seen some success making gaming content but like i said, never dedicated myself to it. as soon as it started to pick up i just quit. the success thing doesn’t even matter to me right now, i just want to be loved.

i have it relatively easy. i live with my parents, bills are pretty nonexistent, and i could probably move out in a month if i worked enough and stopped buying stupid shit. and although i have it easy, being alone 99% of my time is fucking killing me dude. i have acquaintances online, just gaming buddies, but they don’t really know me. i want FRIENDS. i want people that really love me and can be brotherly or sisterly around me. i want to meet a girl, someone i can see marrying and having kids with. that’s my biggest fear, never falling in love again. i had a girlfriend before but it didn’t work out, and i don’t wanna talk about it. it makes music hard to listen to. i wanna reate to love songs, songs about heartbreak, but i haven’t felt any sort of feelings for anyone in so long now. i just want somebody i can even have a crush on, but my job is very secluded. i work with 6 or 7 people including my boss and his wife, the people there aren’t exactly people i’d usually associate with. there’s a dude in his 40s, an asian kid that wears clothes too tight and doesn’t shower, a girl that i don’t find attractive but tries to flirt with me, and a gay dude that is super shy. they’re just weird people, and i know this is coming from someone that’s complaining about being lonely, but i want to keep my circle strict. letting anybody in means i’m more susceptible to getting betrayed again. the last group didn’t even tell me why they cut me off, i just got blocked on everything one day with no explanation.

it’s been some of the most painful weeks of my life recently. i’m in my own head most of the time, i don’t have any distraction from myself. even at work, most of my time is spent sitting down waiting for something that needs to be done. i feel uncomfortable in every asset of life. there’s nothing i look forward to, nobody i want to be with, no one i could take on a date, nobody to look up to. the honest to God truth i haven’t taken myself out yet is only because my parents would be devastated. i’m a fuck up on every sense of the saying, and i know they know it, but i don’t want them to know i think that about myself. another one of my biggest fears is my dad’s outlook on his only son. i saw a TikTok about a dad that has a “loser son” and it was framed sarcastically, like the post was definitely supposed to be a funny skit, but it still hurt. i’m the loser. my dad played football, he was in the military, had a promiscuous life in his 20s, and owned his own shop for a few years. when he was my age, he was just buying his first house. i have 500 dollars in my savings account. it shatters me and embarrasses me that my interests are so stereotypically dorky. video games, storytelling, MMA, weird music, and cars. i know that he thinks i’m a fucking loser and it makes me feel like i SHOULD just get it over with and die. although i’ve demystified my parents, i still want to make them proud.

my previous relationship ended over a year ago, and she moved on. i still think about her every day. i don’t know if it’s spite, or anger, or whatever it may be, trying to let it go is hard. i don’t want anything long distance anymore. the last time i saw her was at her college. we hadn’t been able to get any privacy together before that and obviously we wanted to have sex. everything went fine, but both of us were virgins and she said it hurt too much when we tried, so she ended up crying and i had to comfort her while i needed to be comforted myself. the last thing i wanted was to hurt her, and the whole experience put me off of sex entirely. even though i still have a sex drive, i’ve gotten pretty nervous in any physically intimate encounter since then and ended up cutting it short. this Ukrainian girl and i had a little thing last September. i took her on a few dates, we kissed on the 2nd date, and the 3rd date we saw a movie. during the whole movie we were cuddled up with the arm rest pushed back in the back row of the theater. she kept putting my hand under her skirt on her ass and i didn’t wanna be too feely, but she kept putting it there. after the movie when i dropped her off, she told me to pull over a litte early. she wanted a kiss, and i was expecting a peck, but she wanted to full on makeout in my car. i cut it after 10 seconds because i was scared after what happened before. the next time i saw her she told me she just wanted to be friends. i still wonder if it was my fault or if she was using me, but either way it sucks. so who cares?

that was the last date i had. there was another time i met up with a different girl, but she catfished me. she photoshopped all her pictures and used face filters, and when she showed up i wasn’t attracted to her at all. she didn’t even dress up for lunch, just wore ripped black jeans and a dirty cardigan. the only reason i wouldn’t count it as a date is because i was instantly out of date-mode when i saw she lied to me. i was speaking with another girl in February but again, she was photoshopping herself. part of me felt bad that i stopped talking to them because bluntly, they were changing their weight in their pictures, but i can’t just pity date someone. they lied to me, y’know? it bothers me a lot that girls do that so often now. i wish the internet wasn’t so influential on people. that’s a topic for another time, though. i’d like to lay out my basic gripes here before i complain about anything else that’s opinionated. right now, i want this to be purely real life events and not stupid things i have too much time to talk about. anyways, dating is hard. i think i’m a pretty good date, i pay the full first date and i’m honestly not conserved unless she’s really really pretty. it just hasn’t worked out yet. it’s very discouraging, and i actually deleted all my dating apps because it feels wrong. just looking at women like a catalogue and picking my “favorites” for a chance at them. i don’t think the type of woman i want is going to be on a dating app, but then we fall back into my original problems; i don’t know how to meet people and i’m scared of making them run away.

i’ve always felt that some people are meant to be here, and others simply were the wrong sperm. a different sperm was supposed to win that race, but against all odds, that person won. i’m that little sperm that should’ve lost. that feeling plagues me, just constantly thinking i’m not supposed to be here. i’ve had a small amount of sense in me recently, at least enough to check those thoughts temporarily, but they always come back and fuck with me.

(just wrote a sentence along the lines of “i know some of you can relate” as if anybody is gonna read this)

i’m gonna just leave it here. when i inevitably revisit some of these concepts, or notice a typo in this dumb little memoir, i hope i have the self respect to at least cut myself slack. sometimes i just need to let myself vent, and tonight was one of those nights i felt like it’s all my fault.

love, j