#i feel like this might be related to the whole people dont understand public spaces post covid lockdown but also how would i know i was

[anythingbyadriannelenker]

nothing that makes me more villainous that people talking in the library at full volume. kill killl killll with hammers!!! kill them allllll!!

[hivemindscape]

Hello boys!!

I've been getting messages from the kindest people in my inbox, it was killing me to see you upset, so i decided to respond in this way.

I want to hug the crimeboys community. I want to hug you so tightly.

I am genuinely happy for those of you who enjoyed the finale. I envy you, because I did not.

There isn't a chance that I'll ever like it, either, as I've been turning it over and over in my brain relentlessly, reading people's takes when i can make myself to, grappling for a buoy, something to make it okay. In brief moments of the "no thought brain empty" state, I'm fine, but mostly there's intense frustration and confusion. And Big Sad.

In my opinion, this was an awful ending for these two characters. I hate that I'm forced to accept it, so I probably won't.

That being said, I'd rather you didn't message me asking why I'm of this stance, or moreover writing me an essay on why I'm wrong, I dont have the energy or patience to compose a pretty reply to that.

Keep in mind, most importantly, that everyone is entitled to their opinion on this lore, and is free to critize the writing, providing they don't go insulting ccs in their faces. If you see someone making fun of those who are processing their grief in public spaces, understand that the former people are emotionally immature and had poor upbringing. Yes, I said grief. What I've been feeling for the past 3 days was heartbreak and grief, with its physical manifestations. So I'm here to say it's alright if you breathe around a boulder too.

What you have to be doing as part of the fandom is have empathy and respect for people you do not know on the internet. Recognise you have no high ground to dictate what's the right reaction. Introspect a bit if you have an urge to tell someone to "chill": what impact that comment would have, and recognize that there's none. You'd just come across as an asshole.

I was intending to not go on a rant about that, but it's an apparent problem currently which I couldn't not address, as it turned out. You might be thinking "Bro they're speaking so seriously as if someone died". If so, the following should explain it well enough:

Ability and desire to give your heart to something fictional is a valuable, bright, very telling character trait. This is empathy of the highest order. This means one's heart is immense, and strong. Sorry for speaking cliche, but I do want you to read into what I'm saying.

Have you ever felt enveloped in a hug by someone's mere text message, when they said they understand, relate, and support you? This is incredible. You read fics and cry, you look at art and feel warmth in your chest, you talk with other fans and feel connected. This is a gift that we have, to be connected through this fictional story. And the media format that it uses does not matter here, only makes it surprising and unique.

So. You're valid to be satisfied with the ending. You're valid to be unhappy with it. It's valid to be deeply unhappy because of it. These characters meant the world to me. The trust I put in the content creators not to ruin them was immense. I'm currently figuring out where to go from here creatively.

I want to promise hovewer, that I'll do my best to recover from this shit, and bring comfort to you guys with my crimeboys art again. Its largely because of you and your love for my work that I've decided that. But also this fandom is the place where Ive felt the happiest with myself in my whole life. It's insane, I don't want to lose this.

If you have anything you want to send me, any fic or any art, you can dm me on twitter or instagram of the same name as this blog. I'm currently trying to keep distance from dsmp content (key word trying), but if it's something you're passionate about sharing, I'll go and appreciate it as soon as i can. It means a lot to me when you guys share your thoughts and your work with me Q^Q 💜💜💜

Your messages and your tags under the last piece that's blown up, have been a huge comfort to me. A Huge comfort. Thank you so so much for letting me know. I create art cause its the meaning of me, to be influencing people's emotions, leaving a mark, so I'm incredibly happy I could help you feel better in this time, and any other time. 🫂

Thank you guys. And I'm sorry.

[piratadelamor]

ok so, i just analyzed kageyama's birth chart! 

i made this out of pure entertainment, boredom and curiosity and i don't actually believe that astrology works on fictional characters (i even have my doubts that astrology defines one person's personality since i'm inclined to traditional astrology, but anyway, this is only for fun purposes aand it's very superficial and not supposed to be taken seriously as an astrology work!!) i'm also not the type of fan who knows every single detail about a character or who remembers every single appearances and lines so i probably won't go too deep into examples...

kageyama's official birth date is 22/12/1996 and he's from miyagi, okinawa. with this information only we can already identify most of his chart: he's a capricorn sun, capricorn mercury, sagittarius venus, virgo mars, capricorn jupiter and aries saturn (i dont use neptune, uranus or pluto). being born on that day, he could either be a taurus or a gemini moon, and, of course, there's no information about the time he was born, so his ascendant is also a guess. i tried to find a solution based on the chart as a whole, and i think it makes a lot of sense!!

first thing i wanted to look for was a placement that talked about his sport skills. being sports a matter of the 5th house, it seemed clear to me that that's where his sun should be placed. the sun represents life. in one's chart, it talks about our ego, our conscious identity, and it's placement tells us where we shine, where we direct our creative life force. for mundane astrology the sun represents the authority of the state, the government - presidents, nobles, and kings. kageyama is called "the king of the court". to me there's no doubt that his sun should be at the 5th house - where he rules, where his light shines brighter, where his will to live is directed.

if so, considering the whole signs house system, we get a virgo ascendant (house I), and so on: libra (II), scorpio (III), sagittarius (IV), capricorn (V), aquarius (VI), pisces (VII), aries (VIII), taurus (IX), gemini (X), cancer (XI) and leo (XII).

it was also very convincing to me that this would also place his mars on the ascendant (virgo). being the 1st house the part of the chart that talks about our physical body, and mars talking about a person's vitality, people with mars on the ascendant or even opposite to it (VII) usually tend to push their physical body to its limit, being pretty driven to physical activities (we can clearly see that on the way kageyama and hinata always stay until very late practicing at the club, for example... kageyama’s often seen running on his free time too). it would also make a lot of sense considering his appearence (both physical and the impression he gives off) and the way he acts. mars is the planet of war. it is violence, action. people with mars on the ascendant can easily give off an intimidating appearence or presence. being a capricorn on top of that, there's no escape: that's the famous resting bitch face..... he's energetic, straightforward, competitive and independent. and that also explains the way he can become pretty agressive sometimes, mostly regarding his competitiveness and his desire to be on top. i also found it funny that while i was looking up for kageyama's birth date i came across a few descriptions of him talking about his "sharp glare", and sharp objects are also a matter of mars. about the placement on virgo, the ascendant also talks about how perfectionist he is, including his appearence (he's always filing his nails, for example, and he's never negligent about his health. actually he takes it very seriously), and mars in this sign, besides the already mentioned perfectionism, is also about being very goal-oriented and critical. it's also interesting, if we play a little with words, that virgo's symbology talks a lot about serving, and kageyama's position as a setter is about "serving" the best tosses to his teammates, besides being his serve one of his strongest weapons.

on 22/12/1996, there were 2 times when the ascendant was in virgo: around midnight and around 10pm - 11pm. but the problem is, around midnight his moon would be taurus; around 10pm his moon would be gemini. once again, the placement of the moon made my mind. for a taurus moon, it'd be placed on the 9th house. a gemini would be placed on the 10th. i'd go for a gemini moon. you could doubt that, knowing that kageyama isn't very good with words, and having a virgo ascendant, which is ruled by mercury, the planet of communication and also the ruler of gemini, could be a little off. but it's not true that all geminis are talkative and sociable like that (specially because there's not a single placement in a chart that can speak alone for a person's personality). i believe the moon in gemini fits the way kageyama mentally deals with what he loves. he keeps a fucking volleyball journal!!! and while he's playing, he's always thinking and observing every minimal detail. his mental work is impressive. no wonder he's a genius. he might not have the best way with words (and this is about the way he's not good at dealing with emotions, which a gemini moon really might not be) but he can read his teammates very well and adapt to them perfectly. this is all gemini. speaking of mercury, a mercury in capricorn isn't very good at being sensitive with words either. they also have an authoritarian way of speaking and can be quite judgemental and impatient (specially if someone doesn't get something obvious to them). with mars in virgo, moon in gemini and mercury in capricorn, i guess we get a pretty close picture on kageyama's temper and communication skills.

i thought a lot about it's placement on the 10th house as well. the 10th house, being the highest spot of one's chart, is not only the house of career and success, but of our public image too. a moon in the 10th talks about an emotional need for public recognition and an emotional energy directed to the career. this is a very important placement for him, being his moon not only in the 10th but also conjunct midheaven, which means, literally at the highest spot of his birth chart. kageyama knows he's good and he wants to be the best at what he loves the most. he wants to be on top. and that's what he's passionate about. the moon also talks about our early childhood, which is when tobio's passion for volleyball began: the events of his childhood defined the path of life he chose to follow. but he also learns that that's not something he'd conquer alone. and it makes so much sense to be gemini. after all, gemini's symbol is the twins. not even the moon shines by herself alone. considering how kageyama learned this lesson, it seems like such a beautiful placement for his chart. that's something he had to understand in order to grow and get better and reach the position he achieved.

about his venus, the planet of love and relationships, in sagittarius, it brought me to his relationship with hinata (speaking as friends/teammates/rivals/whatever you want tbh). when venus is in sagittarius, a relationship is a place to experiment and grow. sagittarius is ruled by jupiter, the planet of expansion. a sagittarius venus will want you to take them beyond, to expand their horizons. that's exactly what hinata did to kageyama since the very beginning. "when you get stronger, you will definitely meet someone even better". hinata's always pushing kageyama beyond and that's why they get so connected to each other. hinata always surprises him, their relationship/partnership is never dull, but exciting, impredictable. it's fire burning.

i'm not going too deep into analyzing jupiter and saturn, and i'm not very good at analyzing aspects, but since kageyama's such a capricorn (sun, mercury and jupiter - like me! heheh) there was no way i could look away from his saturn in aries: after all, saturn rules capricorn, and his saturn squares his sun (a hard aspect). (btw, i found out that the kanji for “kageyama” means “shadowed mountain”, which is SUCH a saturnine name?? both shadows and mountains can be related to this planet) doing a little research, i found some interesting things about this placement. about saturn in aries: "Stifling your normal and healthy, more aggressive, competitive, or self-centered qualities can be detrimental to you, possibly causing headaches. You don’t like showing weakness. (...) You fear your own feelings of inadequacy. (...) You need to be careful not to limit yourself too much due to fear of failure or fear of making a poor decision. (...) You are highly resourceful. Your ability to start fresh helps you achieve your goals". like... that was really on point i guess. i think we could relate this to his development, as he began to adapt to the karasuno spikers due to a fear of repeating what happened during middle school. saturn is the planet that talks about fears and limits, and when it squares his sun, his position of "king of the court", this is what happens: he feels limited on the way he plays, on his true nature. and by limiting that, by denying his true nature, he was limiting his space to grow. there's a really good post i came across very recently on this matter, so i'm leaving this here.

i believe this aspect would be crucial to understanding his position as the "king". saturn in aries is the dispositor of his sun in capricorn. that means, the way his sun in capricorn "behaves" is modified by his position of saturn. aries is a self-centered, hot-tempered sign with needs of control, and that defines the type of role his sun plays as the "king". of course, this relates to an especific episode of kageyama's life, but it's a crucial episode, a truly turning point of his life - like most saturn related events. to add one more detail, the sun rules his 12th house (leo), and one of the 12th house's themes is isolation - what kageyama got in middle school by acting like a "dictator king" and what he feared the most that would happen again.

[mattelektras]

idk know if you have already been asked or talked about this, but because I am new in your blog, I would like to know, what do you like most about Matt Murdock / Daredevil? (I know you love Elektra, but is there something else?)

first of all he’s embarrassing and messy and a grown man who dresses up in red spandex and kicks people in the throat and i really do love all of his terrible choices and lack of control over his life and thats my shit

i shittalk him a lot because he’s so messy but it’s out of love because all of that makes him very endearing and so easy to be emotionally invested in?? because i just want good things for him and he gets so close and then just.. fucks it up. but on a Serious note, he’s incredibly unique? with the blindess obviously but that also gives him super unique weaknesses that might not bother any other superhero and the same w strengths. like.. turning the lights off.. people in disguises.. dont make a difference but if u sprinkle some confetti over him then not so much and idk that leads so some amazing fight panels and stories that no other character could really hold up.

i LOVE the public identity aspects of him like in most other comics its a pretty clear line of the public knowing their identity, ie tony stark or the public not knowing and never will, ie bruce wayne. but with matt people actually act on knowing who he is like he had to move cities, there was a whole scandal, his life was ruined etc etc. basically again w the whole uniqueness thing

he has SUCH a good supporting cast??? genuine friendships w luke/danny/peter/foggy/nat. obviously ive grown to love him because of how much he features in elektra’s stories and through her relationship with him but even if she wasnt the hill im gonna die on, they have a dynamic that u arent gonna find anywhere else. the same goes for him and fisk. like yeah batman and the joker have this never ending thing but it never seems to GO anywhere. but with fisk, he knows his identity, he’s been involved in killing like 3 of his exes but then they could also just walk past one another in the street. the whole dd mythos is so grounded and ‘’’’street level’’’ and it never strays out of its lane like marvel does with LITERALLY everyone else?? ie bucky’s in space now!!! kitty pryde is dating star lord!!! like no his stories all work in the setting that theyre in, which is a pretty standard city, but somehow its never been boring or repetitive. almost never but still

and matt himself.. god my lovable garbage man. taking something shitty like being blind and using it to to do good is so quintessentially Superhero and tragic and i fucking love!!!!! predictable ass cheesy superhero origins because i LOVE superheroes. i love that he’s like this bleeding heart wannabe altruist which is weird because i dont usually go for that type?? but w matt he has all of that but still gets these grey morality stories that are ACTUALLY grey and not like ‘’oh [x character] is a nazi now!!! what’’s right and whats wrong we just dont know!!!’’. like matt’s been to prison, he’s associated with a lot of Known Murderers and he doesnt do anything about them because he cares about them, he’s killed people on live tv whilst possessed by a demonic ninja entity. he can be a little hypocritical but it doesnt come off like captain america’s arrogant self righteousness.

idk little things like the fact that he has depression and it’s always been portrayed in a really.... without getting fake deep, relatable way. he’s a lawyer, i study law and i love that i understand the lil references and lawyer talk it makes me feel like i know shit. the fact that he’s a ‘’dark’’ character at times but can still walk around in ‘i’m not daredevil’ sweaters. he has so much love to give!!! he’s fucked over a lot of his exes but at one point he has legitimately loved them all he just.. cant make reasonable choices

[j-t-k-moved]

I've finally done it. I've finished my Trollsona. Me as a Troll. This took much more effort than I thought it would be tbh. Anyway this is gonna be a long post tbh. Also if you wanna like draw my trollsona pls do

Name: Scmare Ttieer [Seh-mar Tear] Origin of her name is unknown.

Age: 7.85 Alternian Sweeps [17 Human Earth Years]

Height: 5'6 feet tall. [Not including horns which are around a foot long]

Eyes: |See picture 5|

Gender: Female

BloodColour: Sapphire Blue |See picture 2|

Theme: Space

Quote From Her: "id rather StAy NEUTRAL on thE SituAtion. lEss ChAnCE of ConfRontAtion."

Symbol: |See picture 6|

Lusus: She didn't fully know what it was. It was a strange creature, not related to any of her interest or any creatures located on Alternia. She cared for it all the same.

Weapon: Double ended scythe |See picture 4| [Weapon is around 4 feet long]

Clothing: Black tank top coated in small white specs (represents stars), her symbol on the shirt in her blood colour. Sapphire blue button up over shirt. Black mid thigh shorts. Black boots.

Hair: Thick black hair. Rests just on her shoulders. Usually up in a high ponytail with a Sapphire blue bow.

Interest: Fiduspawn, singing, reading, drawing, crafting, astronomy and dancing

Dislikes: Confrontation, large groups of people, loud noises, herself

Face: Round in shape. Scar across the bridge of her nose. Square thick glasses covering her eyes. Only make up being some black eye liner |See in picture 5|

Body: Chubby body. Muffin top stomach with thick thighs and arms. Stretch marks on stomach and thighs. Weight is probably around 195 pounds.

Horns: |See picture 3|

Teeth: |See picture 1|

Powers: Aura reading, The ability to perceive energy fields surrounding people, places and things. If she focuses hard enough on person she can see colours surrounding their body. These colours can mean multiple things, from how they're feeling to if that person is inherently evil or good.

Troll Tag: dysfunctionalCosmos

Typing Quirk: Capitalizes letters that are in her first name (except when she types her actual name). But when it comes to the word "Neutral" she caps the whole word. Uses & instead of the word 'And' [Sample of a message she has sent. To whom is unknown:

gREEtingS & SAlutAtionS, My nAME iS Scmare Ttieer. It'S niCE to MEEt you. So uM...i dont hAvE MuCh tiME i nEEd to go finiSh SoME tRAining todAy. My LuSuS will SquAwk At ME if i dont, MAinly bEcAuSE i fEEd hiM AftER & will foRgEt to if i dont tRAin. I hopE wE cAn MEEt AgAin... ]

Hemoloyalty: She does not treat trolls of lower blood caste any worse than she would treat a troll of a high blood caste. Though, she does understand her place on the hemospectrum and that unless she wants to get culled she needs to show respect to highbloods. Describes it as being neutral, even though she doesnt approve of the way low bloods are viewed.

Hive: A very simple Hive, even if a bit futuristic looking.. Made of metal, the whole hive in a circular shape. An observatory located right in the middle of the building on the roof. Used for her interest in studying space.

Respiteblock: Messy room with clothes and tools on the floor. Posters of movies and videogames on the walls, along with some of her shitty drawings. Husktop located on a desk in the back of the room. Recuperacoon is located in a far right corner by a window.

Quadrants: None of hers are filled [Unless you count my self shipping, which can be explained elsewhere]

Ancestor: WIP |Will add link when she is finished|

Dancestor: WIP |Will add link when she is finished|

Basic Personality: [For this I have answered 20 questions to help you understand her personality. Hopefully this helps everyone get a clear grasp on what she's like. Since she is me anyway]

1: Is the character generally approachable or does she keep to herself? Why? A: She usually keeps to herself though she's not completely unapproachable. She finds approaching others to be difficult and usually waits for someone else to make the first move.

2: Is the character a hard-worker, or does she take it easy? Does this nature vary for any particular activity? A: Despite being a blueblood she more of a take it easy kinda troll. Though when she puts her mind to something she can work hard and get it done. Of course if she likes the activity, she is more likely to finish it quickly.

3: Does the character give plain answers to others or is she mysterious? A: Plain answers. She prefers to get to the point of what she means.

4: How does the character feel about pets? How about wild animals? Does she have a favorite animal/pet? A: She loves animals. Though she's afraid to go around them due to her strength. Being a blue blood she had a great amount of strength and hasn't learned to control it well. She worries she will hurt the animals and admires them from afar. She doesn't have a favourite as of now.

5: What is the character's religion? Is the character very religious? How does she show it/observe his religion? A: She is questioning her religious beliefs. She cant decide if she believes in a higher being, or if she thinks that too far fetched.

6: How does the character feel about the local ruler? A: She prefers not to take a stance, she doesn't love or hate them.

7: Does the character have any off-putting habits? A: She has a habit of biting her nails as well as biting skin off her lip. Only does this when nervous or bored.

8: What does the character do to relax? A: To relax she will read or sing. These activities calm her nerves the most.

9: Does the character have any unusual voice or speech pattern? A: Besides her typing quirk she doesn't have much trouble speaking clearly. Sometimes she can be too loud when excited about something, or too quiet when upset. She also tends to ramble when talking online and in person.

10: Why was the character given the name she has? A: She doesn't know where her name comes from or what it means. She believes there is no definition for her name, and that it is just a name unlike how other trolls names have meaning. She quit looking for a answer to it long ago.

11: Does the character have a nickname? What is the source of the nickname? Is it flattering or not? How does she react to it? A: Not being the most social Troll in public, she doesn't have many friends to give her nicknames. She was once called Krem online before and found it cute. So if she were to want to be called anything besides her name it would be Krem.

12: Has the character had issues with the law? A: She has never gone against the law. She doesn't like confrontation. Though she might end up having to.

13: Was there something unusual about her childhood? A: Besides her strange Lusus nothing was too weird for her at least.

14: Does the character have a mentor? A: She would consider her mentor her Lusus.

15: Does the character have a scar or some mark? What was the cause? A: The most obvious scar Is the one she has across the bridge of her nose. She got it when she built her first robot that ended up attacking her and cutting her nose. Smaller scars litter her body from accidents when building.

16: What does she consider her greatest achievement? A: Even though the robot attacked her, she considered it her greatest achievement. It was strong, hard to destroy and packed a punch. She was young when she made it, 4 sweeps, and to build something so sturdy at a young age surprised her.

17: Is she able to kill? Under what circumstances does she find killing to be acceptable or unacceptable? A: She is very much able to kill. But she only sees it fit if it is in self defense. She will not attack unless attacked first.

18: Does she believe in the existence of soul mates and/or true love? A: She does, she believes even the most evil people have one.

19: How honest is she about her thoughts and feelings A: She tries to keep a lot of her feelings to herself in fear of being judged. Opening up emotionally like that is hard for her.

20: Does she care what others think of her? A: She does, she finds herself getting nervous out in public. Thinking other Trolls are judging her.

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The next part is a story the explains her background leading to present time.  Backstory Time.

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[BS] You: Be the strange girls Trollsona  ======>

 You are now, Scmare Ttieer

You enjoy SINGING, DANCING, ASTRONOMY, CRAFTING, READING, DRAWING and a Alternia game called FIDUSPAWN. You are a quiet Troll, even if sometimes you enjoy BREAKING things loudly, who keeps your nose in your own business but opening up when you become close friends with someone. Close enough to fill the Moirail quadrant at the least.

You were hatched on the 9th bilunar perigee of the 1st dark season. Skipping your blurry wiggler days, you were chosen by a strange Lusus after passing your trials. You and your custodian then proceeded to build a secluded hive made of metal in a circular shape.

 You spent most of your younger days learning to build and studying outer space. Your fascination with planets and beings outside of your world was never disturbed by your Lusus, so you learned quickly that there was other life forms out there besides Trolls. You vaguely know of a Alien species called 'Humans' but have not gotten far in your studies.

 Next to that, You tried to learn how to control your strength and violent thoughts. As a blue blood, you has a incredible amount of strength even if your body doesn't look like it. You once busted a hole in the wall of your Hive that took you days to fix (your repair skill were still in development). Being in your blood caste, these things were expected of you, you were to become a solider after all.

 You don't know if you wants that though.

 You always had a strange opinion on the hemospecturm. After studying the history of your Dancestor and Ancestor you learned of the ways they reacted to it. You try to incorporate both of their ways into you view, in hopes of doing what they failed at, which was not dying because you have a opinion. Because of this you remain what you call 'Neutral'

 This means you are trying not to pick a side, in hopes of avoiding confrontation which could end in death on either side. You don't like treating low bloods like they are lesser than you, you never even called another troll a low blood. You also understands that going against a high blood could end in a culling, so you don't speak against them.

 The whole thing is confusing, even for you. Why can't you just make up your mind and fight for what you believe in! Well that's the thing you don't want to fight. Maybe one day you'll figure it all out, you are only 7 sweeps old after all.

  At  4 sweeps though, you made a robot. Your first one. You don't remember what its exact purpose was, but it definitely wasn't to attack you like it did. Which is how you got the scar across your nose. You had won the fight with a bit of damage, your Lusii didn't seem Impressed though.

 That was basically all of your past, building, training to control violent tendencies, doing activities you liked. Your Lusus was your only friend for a while, before you got into the online world one sweep ago. Talking to other Trolls is a lot easier when your behind a husktop. You mainly just play games and maybe have a conversation or two with some others playing with you.

 Even gained the nickname 'Krem' from someone you once talked with. You can't remember who it was or where the name came from, but ...you liked it.

 Now a days you haven't been online much. You'll be a adult soon, become a solider like your supposed you. You might skip out on that though.

 In case of the inevitable to try to go out more, to make friends but its not working. Its not just that you're shy and have anxiety (it mainly is though), its also becase of your Aura reading abilities. Because of this hard to explain power you can tell if a person if bad or good. Angry or happy. You tend to stay away from the Trolls with bad auras.

 Its also takes a lot of focus (since you have trouble focusing on anything for a long time in the first place) to see someone's Aura. So when they catch you starring at them its hard to talk to them after wards and explain why you were looking at them like you were trying not to explode.

 Anyway that's all there really is to say about you. Not too special you see. You live a simple life which is what you wanted. You hope it can stay simple.

 [BS] You: Quit being the Trollsona and go back to scrolling

[bookahdoit]

I just thought I'd finally share this. I'm an undiagnosed Aspie ( someone with Asperger's syndrome or ASD ), I've had this speculation for a long time now and have actually made an "about me" list. I'll be seeking a formal diagnosis hopefully next week. The thought of it is killing me or rather, making me really apprehensive that people might see me as just ""seeking attention"". It's nerve-racking tbh.

I always felt I was different, felt like this was more than just being anti-social ; something I was teased for during high school. Making friends is difficult even though someone would advice me to just be more “social” I still don’t understand how.

I avoid small conversation and eye contact, I would look at the person’s lips or mostly just shift my gazes to the side or whatever’s behind them. Why? IDK, looking into someone's eyes feels awkward and invasive. If I do talk, I am soft spoken but I don’t think I’m monotonous? I do have a low voice though. I go “off” when there’s too much social interaction a.k.a a shut down, I feel weary and just want to retreat somewhere I’m familiar with.

I love puns but some jokes, I need context to. People misunderstand me most of the time. I rehearse what I have to say so I won't screw up but I think I do. This is why I reply slow during IMs ahaha not because I'm ignoring you but because I gotta say things right, and why I don’t like RPing over IMs. I get really pressured and anxious.

I stim, yes, I rub my fingers together when I'm nervous, I pick at the skin on my lip, around my nails & at scabs, sometimes unaware I'm doing it. ( sorry this could be really disgusting to some ). I stare into space and talk to myself. out loud. in public. Sometimes even laugh when I remember something funny, which probably weird people out. I get upset when people touch my stuff and place it somewhere else.

I’m a visual learner! I prefer images over texts but when there’s too much happening in one picture, I get overwhelmed. Like, in video-games, they have this new compass implemented rather than a mini map. I HATE IT! and it messes me big time because there are so many things happening in one straight line hovering above the screen, it took me a while to understand how it works but I still hate it and wish they bring back the mini map.

Emotions are hard for me to express. I’d probably say “ oh this food’s great !” with a blank expression. but I CAN read people, so yeah I can tell if someone’s being fake or not. But I can't read body language well.

When I was a kid, my mum would say that I’m sensitive and weird. The voices of people around me tend to go faster in my head back then, it still happens at present but not as often. Did that make sense? I have a sensitive sense of smell, I hate flowers’ scents, for example.

I had meltdowns and just explode into tantrums. As I grew older those meltdowns lessen, but as an adult I can be very irritable. Remembering those episodes is really embarassing btw.

Obsessions or "Special interests" include: Vampires, Figures, Bill Willingham’s Fables, Deadpool, Pokemon & the Nintendo 2ds & 3ds line. I have a whole collection of vampire books, lore and history related ( I obsess over Vlad the Impaler haha! ), while Deadpool merch litter my room. I get very excited about vampires the most. Example: Overwatch has a new halloween event, they have 3 vampire related skins and I need & want to get them all! I was also very excited and giddy at the theory of a blood moon vamp brawl lmao. As for the Nintendo 3ds thing, I buy all variations of it when I can, I don’t specifically play a lot of games there, I just love how it looks and how the buttons feel? I still have to get the new 2ds XL,the texture on the cover looks sleek!  Pokemon has been an obsession since I was a kid! I have the cards, the games and some merch.

I’m also very addicted to video games since I was a kid but that seems very common even to neurotypical people... right? I LOVE videogames! And enjoy watching video game related content on youtube too, not just playthroughs but news and stuff like that. The latest titles,consoles and how those games were developed.

Low key feel that I hold a special interest in Adam, my OC. I am obsessed with drawing him, I research a lot for him more than my other OCs and I get very carried away with questions and memes. Possibly because he's a lesser known vampire species ( an amalgamation of the aswang and the strigoi ). May just be favouritism but I dont know, feels different. *Oh yeah! here’s a trivia: Gabriel, his son, is an Aspie lmao. He wasn’t easy to write though.

I overshare or provide too much information especially when it’s something I’m really passionate about (as seen above).

Do fidget toys work on me? LMAO yes, some do! it keeps me from picking at my skin mostly, they also work as sensory toys so there’s that. I like the fidget cube and have a couple of fidget spinners but I need a specific feel for it, like the center has to have this indentation for your thumb,  it just feels right for me somehow.

Growing up undiagnosed is pretty difficult especially in an environment where mental health is taboo where people claim that I'm seeking attention or in our language 'papansin'. For reference: I'm turning 25 and have scored a whopping 163/200 on an AQ test scoring above average on ASD and OCD, while my neurotypical results were below average 52/200. Of course I have to seek a psych for a formal diagnosis. But you know whats worse? being an aspie AND having depression RIP

[flowisk]

fmk variation: (jack, buzzo, lisa) + (milton, johan, claptrap) + (admin, flowey, a dog)

omg.... haha. god.ok this is for the version which is like.... ‘• get randomly assigned as your lab partner for a whole semester,• get trapped with on a broken elevator for ten hours• get as my employee trainer for my new job at McDonalds’ so yeah i’m going to answer this.{ jack, buzzo, lisa. }wow. tough crowd. tough crowd.• get randomly assigned as your lab partner for a whole semester look. it would be buzzo. he’s a scientist. and Presumedly if we’re in any position to be like. doing lab work, it would be in a relatively non hostile environment. dude was a student at some point. i mean... i think buzzo would know more than me on this subject so he’d probably talk down to me a little but assuming I’m Not Brad it wouldn’t be so bad. buy him a coffee at some point maybe.• get trapped with on a broken elevator for ten hours you know. it’s hell? like ok. there’s no option to this where i can pick jack and it wouldn’t be worse so i’m going with this one. jack would be a fucking awful partner and an even worse employee trainer (dude’s a fucking abysmal boss) so yeah, 10 hours in an elevator with jack. it probably wouldn’t be great to be the only thing he has a possibilty of venting frustration at for 10 hours, but somehow those other options are actually worse.• get as my employee trainer for my new job at McDonalds lisa. i’m not sure what kind of boss she’d be? i could imagine some potentially cool ways that could go okay. i don’t think she’d be too gungho about a job at mcdonalds, so i can’t imagine her like... being super uptight about things. older lisa: ‘dont spill a vat of oil on urself kid’. {milton, johan, claptrap}• get randomly assigned as your lab partner for a whole semester ummm im tempted to say milton but actually johan, because id rather not be caught in an elevator for 10 hours with him and his psychological bullshit (yes they both do that but johan is demonstratably worse about this). johan is focused on doing well all the time ok there’s no way you’re getting a shitty grade with johan as your lab partner. like maybe he’ll orchestrate the death of your family or some shit or see you as a pawn for a conspiracy he’s enacting or lock you in a burning building but god? your grade would be good? and anyway if you’re useful to him on any level he’d probably be chill bc he has an image to maintain in a public space.• get trapped with on a broken elevator for ten hours milton. milton’s whole life is basically them being trapped in an elevator anyway so it’s no different from any other conversation you’d have with them. milton would just be like ‘oh. you’re booored. i see . unfamiliar feeling. i can’t relate. i see you’re paying more attention to me now that you have nothing to occupy you. i wonder if you’ll stop talking to me when the elevator opens’ etc etc some passive aggressive bullshit with trust/abandonment issues even though milton refuses to admit theyre passive aggressive or have abandonment issues. id assure them id still talk to them and as it turns out theyre probably the reason the elevator stopped in the first place because they’re lonely af and seek attention in maladaptive ways.• get as my employee trainer for my new job at McDonald claptrap. i might have to ask other people to clarify instructions but he’d be pretty chill i think. idk seeing him in bl2 he’s not too bad of a boss... he’d probably give really long lectures tho about mundane things... he’d like someone looking up to him. i do wonder if he’d ever assert his power being like ‘ahahaha im ur teacher!’ but i think he’s too concerned about being liked to seriously be too bad of a boss, and all of the times he’s done that in bl2 have just been kind of silly and non-harmful. out of the three people in this category he’d definitely be the most chill and lenient with mistakes. just a bit prideful about training you, probably. he’d tell you that you did a good job minion. he’d probably brag about teaching you your shit all the time after he stopped being your employee trainer, but that kind of thing it’s just... it’s claptrap. who can be mad.{admin, flowey, a dog)• get randomly assigned as your lab partner for a whole semester flowey. kind of precocious kid. read everything in the world once or twice and at least some of that has probably been academic. i think flowey probably has the experience of reading a lot of information they know but don’t quite understand. i’m actually unsure how casual conversation would go there... would flowey be annoyed with me when i didnt know things? probably. but i think being given an environment where he can learn things he’d be a somewhat good if occasionally disruptive student. might get people going ‘oh you have that partner’ but eh, it’d be ok.• get trapped with on a broken elevator for ten hours definitely a dog. i mean. out of all the options ive gotten so far that’s p much the chillest person to get stuck in an elevator with. would be cute and not expecting much emotionally out of me. we could sleep in the elevator.• get as my employee trainer for my new job at McDonalds admin. I Know That Sounds Unorthodox but like... admin was actually p chill to the people of gehenna when they were running things. it’s just. that they wanted to be appreciated. and listened to. and you can’t make sock puppets in real life so although i’m sure admin runs a forum with sock puppets somewhere else, in managerial duties they’d prob just be a bit bitter and pa. but they like leadership roles so as someone who was like, listening to them? they’d probably be pretty chill? i bet u if you said ‘thanks for teaching me’ theyd beam a bit. even if they didn’t show it. (on the other hand if you were ungrateful theyd prob be PA about it ‘all the time i put into this workplace... and the people here don’t care about me...’ etc) I think admin’s actually good at leadership positions despite their personal issues re: that so i think it’d be chill tho.